#pray tell how i may cure my heart condition through other means

[b-blushes]

r.e. last post. i also talk about my medications like they're normal because for me they are and i need them and would ideally like to not need them but i do and as such they are a vital part of my life. and i mentioned that i was starting a second heart med to a friend a little while ago and he was like 'well try not to take too many' and i was like. hello. u know how my heart does not beat right. and makes me feel so ill because of it. and i cannot make my heart beat right through any other means other than the medication that chemically tells it to beat right. you are saying try not to take this? it was genuinely such an interesting discussion to have, we are chewing on concepts nicely with each other!!!

[homesteadchronicles]

A Cycle of Seals: Writing Excerpt (Princess of Impotence)

After three months of continual debate on whether or not to post this excerpt, my friends convinced me to submit it on-stream tonight. While it imperfectly handles heavy topics I myself am still working through, I hope you see the heart and healing process behind it - and, most importantly, behind Eirys.

You may remember these three from my recent Character Description Challenge! I can never get enough of writing their dynamic, even as their in-canon scenes continue to dwindle through editing. Whomp.

___

Project: A Cycle of Seals Timeline: Pre-Book One Canonical? No Context:

The House of Salvation has long isolated society’s sick. The Godewine twins - Royan and Eirys - visit every dawn and tend to the condemned. While Royan attracts the masses with the supernatural power of his Timekeeper’s Seal, the powerless Eirys attends to one individual: Oeden Sincairn, locked away even from the other infirm. 

Content Warnings: Illness, Isolation, Mentions of Ableism

___

The Yoreword warns of a wickedness more contagious than any sickness, one bestowed upon the lowest amongst them. Eirys has never - paragons forgive her blasphemy - believed that. Illness did not demean one’s internal divinity. Not when the skin-deep sainthood of her fellow nobles could nauseate an angel. Even still, sacrilege guides her away from those surrounding her blessed sibling to instead seek solace with the kingdom’s most corrupted citizen.

With the crowd thoroughly enthralled by Royan’s abilities, Eirys slips outside their thinning scope of notice and down the western hall. While the main chamber had been filled to overflowing with the infirm, naught but a begrudging servant files through the passage here. Those who notice her appearance regard her with the civil disinterest paid to one of their own. Or had they purposely dismissed their princess? Nonsense, she thinks (but does not believe).

Would such insolence not make sense? She is no Shepherd. She bears no Seal. She does not sway the hearts of nobles like Isolde, does not command the arms of soldiers like Sigrid, does not awe the minds of scholars like Ciaran. She is but another stumbling block to the damned’s salvation, a scourge to kiss their scars.

Why must power inhabit those who refuse to wield it well? That question had no answer, or at least not one the spirits deign to supply.

Yet, despite her inherent impotence, one resident still awaits her entrance.

Eirys shuffles down the corridor, around the corner, and up to a room quartered off from the rest. With a knock for courtesy, she slips in without awaiting permission.

Inside, the chamber holds little else other than Oeden, perched at the edge of a bed as unkempt as he. He is dressed, thankfully - not that a medic cares much for modesty - with a tunic hanging loosely off his wiry form. The tension that inhabits his shoulders evacuates whilst registering his visitor’s identity.

You’re safe, she thinks, willing the assurance to reach him. Safe, but not saved.

A flicker of mischief lifts his lips, too weak to raise the bags beneath his eyes. “Abandoning your brother, are we?”

Eirys huffs, indignant fists finding her hips. Even Oeden thought only of Royan! “I do hope that’s not a disappointment.”

He does not answer, and so Eirys sets to work. Oeden needs attention - medically, at least - every day before sunrise, lest their superiors deny him access to the sanctuary. If coming here every morning means her friend can escape isolation? Well, it made her wartime training worthwhile. Her bag unpacked, the bedside table stands littered with supplies of every shape and size: needles and knives and salves that would unnerve even hardened warriors.

Oeden refuses to flinch.

“You should have seen them,” Eirys says as she rifles through her satchel for a binding beneath the draughts. “All those patients, pawing at his Seal like it might peel off if they rub it right. They were two fools short of a parade!”

Oeden cannot see it, can see little else beside this room, and instead snorts from imagination alone. “With Royan there, they only need one more.”

She swats him with the wad of bandages in hand but cannot hold back her laughter. How tragic that such wit must stay locked away. “At least someone pays him any mind.”

“Ironic, isn’t it? His only admirers come from ones the rest of the world admonishes.” The laugh that follows lacks all humor.

There is a sickness in Norire. One that spares the poor and spoils the pure. One whose unholy hand reaches across the nation, fingers of infirmity digging into every manse and mansion. Even her own. Eirys knows this, intrinsically. Hates it, irrefutably. But, like every other illness, she cannot cure it. Not anymore than she might will away the wickedness of kings who condone quarantining the chronic, the heresy of priests enslaving the impoverished, the sinfulness of princesses submitting to these societal normalities.

Instead, she sits down. Shuts up. Prays behind sealed lips to an imprisoned god for forgiveness, for change.

Oeden never minds the silence. His proclaimed disdain for company disproved itself with every unspoken show of appreciation. This time, it crumbled beneath a subtle repositioning atop the bed: an invitation for intimacy.

Eirys accepts his summons, scooting closer, the equipment her plus one. A once-over of his body shows no sign of his condition having spread, but she can tell little with the glove that disguises his limb. Her hand hovers above, but does not touch. “May I…?”

Oeden nods. Neither required consent – thus why she elicits it. No one asked Oeden permission to burden him with this power, any more than they had asked Eirys to deprive her of it. He deserves this small dignity.

With measured tenderness, Eirys peels back the fabric encasing his left arm. Each inch of cloth stripped away reveals the crystalline protrusions carving through calloused skin in misshapen patches. Flesh split in bloodied fissures, ore corroding the body into its personal deposit. No worse than before, she thinks. The thought does little to placate her concerns because that does not make it better than before either.

Oeden evades her gaze. Witnessing her displeasure would surely confirm a deep-whispered suspicion: that he was, even to her, grotesque. She knows that he spies her reaction when he thinks her attention lies elsewhere, awaits a well-deserved grimace or an artificial grin. Instead, Eirys freezes her face in cold indifference. It comes naturally, she realizes - her family has done the same on the throne for one hundred years, after all, for far less noble a purpose.

She pulls a rag from the pouch at her hip and dips it into one of the pungent balms scattered about the bed top. The whiff of peppermint briefly assaults her before the musty scent of Salvation overpowers it. “Ready?” she asks. His nodded ascent initiates the delicate process of cleaning the crystal. Eirys traces the edges of fractured skin with her cloth as if she painted a masterpiece - with precision, and with respect to the canvas.

Oeden winces with each misplaced press of fabric. He never complains, but none could deny the pain he endures on the nightly. The momentary sting ebbs away at the gritted teeth and tensing posture until relief resumes its rightful mantle upon him. Eirys has never seen such strength from someone so weary. Weary, she realizes, and lonely.

He needs tending to. In his body, yes, but even more so in his soul.

“It’s not, you know,” Oeden says suddenly. He still refuses to meet her eyes, but he picks up on her confusion nonetheless, for he continues, “a disappointment, I mean. That you’re here.”

Had he dwelt on her greeting this whole time?

Eirys slips her free hand into Oeden’s, clasping it with desperate compassion. You deserve deliverance, but I can only give you decency. “I’d sure hope not,” she teases, “but we both know you’d prefer my brother’s company.”

“Royan would have only worsened this,” Oeden reminds her. The Seal of Progression could do little to cease the spread of crystal. It could only comfort those who conformed to its whims - and Oeden had never been one to obey. “Besides, who knows what I would have seen, had anyone else done this…”

Ah, yes. The visions.

Eirys understands next to nothing of them, despite her supposed spirituality, but she does not doubt their existence any more than she doubts that their god remains trapped in some undiscovered vault. One touch of crystallized skin could send Oeden into an unconscious stupor. Foreseeing an unfortunate future from unprompted contact became an all-too-common occurrence.

“And with me?” Eirys entangles their fingers, drawing his hands up. “What do you see?”

Oeden’s breath hitches as she scales the goosebumps raising across his arm, but he does not deny her. His left hand rises to meet her, ore-crusted finger brushing against a freckled forehead. A breath. A moment. A hope.

“…Nothing.”

Oeden exhales like oxygen had always evaded him. His head slumps against hers. “Thank the Seals you’re safe, Eir.”

You’re safe for me, is what he means. She hopes he knows he’s safe with her, too.

They sit there, undone and unsure, in each other’s presence until time unwinds itself around them and Eirys realizes: the military, the clergy, the royalty - none of them need her. None of them need to. Oeden does. And a flustered, wistful part of herself believes she needs him too.

She always loathed her own powerlessness, but this powerlessness to resist him? She could live with that. She might even love it.

[pamphletstoinspire]

Third Sunday After Epiphany by Father Francis Xavier Weninger, 1876

“Lord, if Thou wilt, Thou canst make me clean.”–Matt. 8: 2.

The leper of whom we read in today’s Gospel believes that Christ has the power to heal him, and he is not mistaken; Christ, stretching forth His hand, said: “I will, be thou made clean!”

What leprosy is to the body, that sin is to the soul. Many of the children of the Church, many who call upon Jesus, are covered with this leprosy. They believe in His Power and Will to cleanse them from sin, and yet they are not cleansed, and why not? Because they do not earnestly will it.

It often happens that the sinner, while apparently desirous of conversion, has in reality not the will. And why? That is the question we shall answer today. O Mary, thou purest of the pure, pray that we may be filled with a true desire to be cleansed from the leprosy of sin, through Jesus Christ our Lord! I speak in the most holy name of Jesus, to the greater glory of God!

“Lord, if Thou wilt, Thou canst make me clean,” cried the leper. How much more natural it is for us children of the Church to address Christ in these words, since we know so much better than the leper in the Gospel who Jesus is, and why He came into the world.

The leper did not doubt that Christ possessed the power to heal him, but he was not certain of Christ’s willingness to perform a miracle. In regard to the leprosy of sin, we have no reason to doubt Christ’s willingness to cleanse us. For this He came into the world, for this He sacrificed Himself on the cross, for this He gave His blood and life, for this He established His Church. Do not the Apostles teach us to say: “I believe in the forgiveness of sins?” To give us a remedy against sin, Christ called us to His holy Church, freed us in baptism from the inherited leprosy of our nature, and gave us access to all the Sacraments, those fountains of grace for the purification of souls.

Verily then Jesus is willing. If we are not cleansed, in whom lies the fault? In ourselves. The sinner is wanting in real sincerity and in the earnest desire of being cleansed. And why? Because he feels his own misery too imperfectly. He is not sufficiently disgusted with sin; he is not thoroughly penetrated with fear at the consequences of sin.

The leper was disgusted with himself. Leprosy is, as is well known, a revolting disease, and everyone is careful to avoid those who are stricken with it. But what is such a disease compared to the disfigurement of sin, which makes us resemble Satan in repulsiveness? Not only mortal, but even venial sin is leprosy. Not a moral fault but is more disgusting to God than all the ulcers and sores in the whole world.

Could the sinner but see himself, were he aware of how his soul is deformed by sin, how intense would be his desire, how great his haste to go to Jesus and beg of Him to be cleansed. Unfortunately, the sinner is seldom thoroughly conscious of his deplorable state. He generally believes that his moral condition is not so bad, and, regarding his sins as human weaknesses, consoles himself with the thought that there are others who are worse. He fails to consider God’s horror of sin, the disgust of the angels and saints, who have reason to be ashamed of him if he regards himself in communion with them, or perhaps even calls them his brothers and his sisters. He does not realize that the sight of his sins drives away his guardian angel, all angels, in fact, and saints. He never thinks of the misfortune into which sin has precipitated him, robbing his good works of all merit, and rendering him unable to earn anything for heaven; how sin has opened the gates of hell, so that he is liable at any moment to fall into the abyss, where he must bewail in eternal torments those sins which he here committed with so little concern.

He who stains his soul with many venial sins can not consider how these prevent him from lessening the flow of divine grace, diminish his merits, how they augment the debt that is to be paid in purgatory. Moreover, he can not reflect on the danger his waywardness exposes him to of falling into grievous sin. The consequence of this thoughtlessness is that the sinner hastens not to seek Jesus, and to approach Him in the person of His minister to receive, after sincere repentance, the forgiveness of his transgressions.

Secondly.–The sinner goes to confession and apparently is desirous of being cleansed from the leprosy of his sin, but in reality he is very indifferent. How few of those to whom sin has become a habit–a class of sinners who especially resemble the leper–examine themselves conscientiously before confession on the number of their mortal sins and the circumstances that affect the nature of their transgressions. The leper feels day and night the misery of his disease, and knows every place where it has settled. The habitual sinner does not take the trouble to consider the evil of sin on his soul, and hardly deems it necessary to examine his conscience. Why? He is not really in earnest to be converted.

If it were a bodily illness he would immediately send for a physician, and explain minutely all the symptoms of his disease; but as the condition of his soul is a matter of little concern to him, he gives but a superficial account of its state, and not unfrequently makes a bad confession. It but seldom happens that a habitual sinner accuses himself fully and freely without aid from the priest. Jesus stretched out his hand and touched the leper. The priest should spiritually do the same to the sinner by his words, but as the sinner has not thoroughly opened his heart, the priest is not able to touch the affected parts and heal them by words of advice.

The sinner confesses, but he has not the earnest desire to make a frank and open declaration of his faults. He is satisfied with a lame, cursory accusation, hoping that the confessor will impart a speedy absolution, and not trouble him with many questions. He is not anxious about the future, how he may avoid relapses, anticipate temptations or combat them, when they do assault him, with effectual weapons.

The sinner, moreover, has not the determination to use the proper means to obtain grace and to advance in the ways of virtue, namely, prayer, spiritual reading, the reception of the Sacraments.

Happy are you, O sinner, if you are conscious that you are, earnest in your desire to be converted, to avoid all occasions of committing sin, and to resist temptations, so that you can truthfully say before Jesus and his minister: I will. Christ will say the same to you. And if you unite your will with His, do not doubt that you will be cleansed from the leprosy of your sin through Jesus Christ our Lord! Amen! 

THE LEPER–THE FAITH OF THE CENTURION

Once when Our Lord was coming down from a mountain, followed by a great crowd of people, He entered the city of Capharnaum. At the city gates there was a poor leper, who, bowing down profoundly, addressed Jesus and cried out: “Lord! if Thou wilt, Thou canst make me clean.”

Leprosy is a very filthy, disgusting disease. The whole body is covered with a false dry skin like scales, so that the person becomes a most hideous and loathsome object. In the East and in this country, too, leprosy is considered contagious, and the laws of sanitary boards separate people afflicted with it from those that are well, and will not allow lepers to come into the cities. This picture is but a very insignificant description of leprosy. You must see it to know how loathsome it really is.

When you read the description of leprosy think of that other kind of leprosy of the soul, for sin is the leprosy of the soul, and is as filthy and more so than the leprosy of the body. Yes, it is the leprosy of sin that makes the soul a horrible sight before God and the angels. The leprous souls that live in so many human bodies in cities and villages are not subject to any laws. They can remain where they please, and still we know that nothing is more contagious than the leprosy of sin. Thus it is that sin is continually growing and spreading, until we find it in every nook and corner of the world. How rare it is to find youths not infected with some vice or other! How few are untouched by this contagion, or who have preserved their baptismal innocence!

If you are already covered with the leprosy of sin, ah, then cry out: “Lord, you see how miserable my condition is! Heal me–cleanse me. You see that my mouth is infected because such bad words, blasphemies, and curses are continually flowing from it. You see, O Lord, that my body and my senses are infected with this terrible disease, for it induces the soul to commit the sins of impurity.” If you pray in this manner, humbly and confidently, you will hear in your soul the consoling words, “Yes, I will help you to overcome that vice. I will forgive you and give you the grace of remaining good.”

But Our Lord adds: “Go and show yourselves to the priest.” The priest is the minister of God. He will extend his hands over you, and you will be made whiter than snow. You will start up into a new life, in which you will acquire again the merits of your good actions, which would never have been any benefit to you unless you had thus repented. From slaves of Satan you will become adopted sons of God, co-heirs with Jesus Christ.

But remember well, my beloved children, that you must have a good will. St. Augustine says that God cures all evils, but only those which we really want to be cured.

The unhappy leper really wished to be healed, for he realized the sad condition he was in, and Jesus immediately extended His hand and touched him. We admire the power of Christ, for at once the whole body was healed. It was again full of vigor and health. Jesus did not give him time to burst out in sentiments of wonder, exultation or gratitude, but said: “See thou tell no man, but go, show thyself to the priest.” The man obeyed, and as he went he could not help letting people know what Jesus had done for him. The fame of this miracle spread about the country and drew many to look for help from Our Lord.

There was in Capharnaum a centurion, a soldier and a heathen, whose servant lay at the point of death. He came to Our Lord and laid his trouble before Him: “My servant lieth at home sick of the palsy, and is grievously tormented.” “I will come and heal him,” said Our Lord. But the centurion did not expect so great a favor; he repeated those admirable words: “Lord I am not worthy that Thou shouldst enter under my roof, but only say the word and my servant shall be healed.”

These words are so applicable to all poor sinners who are about to receive the visit of the Lord, that the Church has borrowed them and uses them three times when communion is to be given. “We should repeat them with a heart full of confusion, because even though we possessed the purity of an angel and the sanctity of John the Baptist, we would not be worthy to receive in our heart Our Lord Jesus. Therefore ought we do all in our power to be free from sin, that we might be the less unworthy to receive Jesus in the great Sacrament of His love.

There are few young people who are so impressed with the sublimity of this holy Sacrament that they approach it with sentiments of respect and veneration. On the contrary they generally go without proper dispositions. They do not endeavor to excite in themselves the sentiments of devotion and love of God which are required to make a good communion.

But there are many, too, who are unworthy to receive Jesus in their heart because their souls are blackened with crime. They defile their tongues with impure conversations, and they dare to receive on them the body of Christ. They defile their bodies with impurities and into these they dare to introduce the Holy of holies. They give scandal and they wish to receive Jesus.

They go to confession and if the priest refuse them absolution because he sees no signs of amendment, they go to another, who is easier, so that they may get through. How blind such young people are! They do not comprehend that they are making a bad communion.

Go, of course, frequently to communion, but do so with a pure heart, and free from sin, full of humility, reverence, and love. When the time approaches for communion, call on the angels, the archangels and all the holy spirits, and beg of them to accompany you to the banquet of Our Lord.

When Our Lord heard the humble words of the centurion He was struck with astonishment and said, “Amen, I say to you, I have not found so great a faith in Israel.” It was certainly a great act of faith, and that was the reason it drew on the centurion that commendation which the Lord seldom gave. The centurion trusted in the power and goodness of Our Lord. He knew, too, that it was not necessary for Our Lord to come to his house. He knew He was God, or at least had the power of God at His command. For this faith and trust Our Lord broke forth into unusual praise.

Even among faithful Christians it is rare to find those who really trust in God. They put trust in their friends, in their own smartness and strength, but they do not remember that they have a God at their command to whom they may go with all confidence. We trust too much to our friends in many things and even prefer them to God. Here is a young man who, meeting his companions, goes with them to lunch. It is Friday. The young man refuses to eat meat, but his companions persuade him. “Oh, eat it! What wrong can there be?” He yields, and the sin is committed.

Another meets a companion on the street. “Where are you going?” “To hear a sermon,” is the reply. “Oh, don’t be so foolish as to sit there to listen to such an insignificant preacher. That is good enough for doting old people or pious women. Come, let us go to the theatre. You will see nice things; you will laugh and be happier there than in church.” He goes out of friendship for his companion. He witnesses the derision of his religion, or immoral scenes; he sees many things that please the eye and stir his sensuality. He hears many improper things; his mind is filled with loose sayings and bad thoughts, and all this has happened simply to please a friend. You see then how obsequious you are to your friends, but of God and Christ you make no account.

When Our Lord had said the words of commendation to the centurion He added: “Many shall come from the east and the west and shall sit down with Abraham and Isaac and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven, but the children of the kingdom shall be cast out into the exterior darkness.” God is merciful to all; He calls all; but they must have the faith of the centurion. Then He turned again to the centurion and said, “Go, and as thou hast believed so be it done to thee.” That same moment the servant was healed, and when the centurion arrived home he found the man perfectly restored to health. Just reflect a moment on these words of Our Lord. “The children of the kingdom shall be cast out into the exterior darkness; there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.” Terrible words; but which will prove as true to many Christians as they were to many of the Jews. Not a day passes but many infidels and idolaters come to the faith, are converted, and enter the kingdom of God, while many Christians born in the faith, brought up and educated in it, perish miserably in eternal damnation. A damned soul once returned to the earth and asked whether there were any good people still on earth, for he had seen such innumerable multitudes going to hell that he thought there could not be one left.

St. Bernard understood so well the misery of those who went to hell that he used to say, “If out of all the human race, who number thousands of millions of souls, it were known that only one was to go to hell, I would tremble with fear lest I should be that miserable one.” O, my dear young people, let us make up our minds that we will not be of the number of the wicked Christians who will lose their places in heaven which were marked out for them from all eternity had they remained faithful. Are we, the sons of the kingdom, we, the adopted sons of God, to be excluded from our future heritage in heaven and thrown out into darkness? Oh, since the Lord has been so good to us that we have received the grace of being born in a Christian family, let us beg also the grace to remain faithful to Christ and love Him so dearly that we may enter the heavenly kingdom which is ours by right. At the same time knowing that many places are left vacant in heaven by bad Christians, let us beg Our Lord to send His light to the east and west and bring many to occupy these seats of glory. 

[queerchoicesblog]

Letter To Fellow Invisible Fighters & Human Beings

Dear You,

It's night here and night is the time when thoughts crowd my head. All is silent in a town on lockdown and words fill the void. Tonight I will throw them to the wind to talk about a topic that's troubling me after hearing of another acquaintance tested positive with covid-19 and the number of deaths all over the world. Something I feel is worth sharing, hoping it will reach others who need to hear it or just lie awake at night and feel like reading some ramblings. Apologies for the long text.

So...

Living with an autoimmune chronic condition sucks. No point pretending otherwise. It basically means that one day your body breaks up with you and starts acting crazy: instead of protecting you from infections and enemies, it turns against you and attacks you. Without a warning.

It makes you angry, sad, exhausted and the fearing of losing control, again and again. You may feel fatigued: sleeping 10 hours won't make you feel well rested and you may turn down appointments or dates last minute because that feeling is suddenly back. You'll feel guilty and cry at times because sometimes people will think you're just bailing out and get mad at you. You may gain or lose weight but you won't be the one actually choosing it. Your joints might get swollen and hurt, your heart beat faster even if you're not in the arms of your loved one. One day a thought will hit you: maybe I will never know love at all or ever again because how can you love someone so broken as I am? You'll recount in your mind how your disorder make you feel gross, utterly unattractive in a world so obsessed with perfect bodies and Vogue like profile pictures, and you're just struggling to keep it together, trying hard not to let anyone see the dark circles around your eyes or your brand new medical device hidden under baggy clothes. You'll wonder why you, was it something you did? Is it some price to pay for what? You'll pray no one will tease you for turning down a drink because maybe you're young but you can't mix your meds with alcohol.

You will also pray to never hear the word "surgery" from a doctor but only good news.

You will compromise with news that "all in all are not too bad".

You will hope to live long enough to see the doctor smile at you one day and say "we found a cure: I can cure you now".

Not something you would sign up for willingly, huh?

Just to add salt to injury, very little is known by the general public about most of the autoimmune chronic diseases, making people suffering from them invisible. Yes, invisible: little is known about our illnesses and most of us don't look the part, that is "sick". We fake it, we exaggerate, we're just being hypochondriacs. We all have been called out like that or reminded to think that "it could be worse, like cancer". (A huge and loving hug to all those who are fighting or fought against cancer: this is not a fight or hierarchy, I, we have nothing but respect and love for you ❤).

Yet those invisible illnesses exist too and change lives every single day.

They're changing it right now when for the first time since you can recall, you not only have to deal with the concerns of a pandemic that torn asunder the whole world and the sudden uncomfortable uncertainty over of the future, the same future that, without a clue, you were still planning or fantasising about not so long ago...but also with an additional sneaky realisation: if things go wrong now, it might not end well for me. I might die.

It's not a comforting thought. It's scary, f*cking scary. You can feel it chilling your bones even if you keep yourself busy and set a schedule of your long days of self quarantine to keep the morale high because you know how much it counts. Even when you laugh at a friend's joke on a video chat or catch up.

You live with it as you've learned to live with the awareness that a pill won't cure you. Not now, not anymore. It fixes you temporarily, though. Paradoxically it's not so weird to you that there is no vaccine or easy way out of the coronavirus emergency even if you understand why everyone is freaking out and terrified by this harsh truth. You're just used to the idea of doctors not being able to cure you but just doing their best to help you so, as you did when you first heard that grim speech, you take a deep breath and wait. You wait and hope.

Even if every now and then this darkness spooks you and nightmares visit you at night.

I'm not sharing this long speech to get pity or out of protagonism, but to offer you my experience. I really hope that you're unfamiliar with it: I would be genuinely heartbroken for you if you had to go through a global pandemic as someone in a high risk category "with pre existing medical conditions". To put it bluntly, one of those who, if they don't make it, many healthy people promptly notice that "well, they were already ill".

Let me tell you, dear "experts" never losing a chance to reassure the crowd that "you don't die of coronavirus but due to its interaction so no need to worry folks", we see you and we hear you loud and clear when you take a relief sigh proclaiming that it's not your problem because we, the weak and the already sick, are the only ones who might die. We will remember your ugly faces and souls when this long night is finally over...

Anyway, what I mean to say:

Fellow invisible fighter, you are NOT alone. Your fears are my fears, your pain is my pain. We can't make promises now but we can hope and we will hope harder than ever to be still standing like victorious soldiers when this is over.

Fellow healthy human being, take a moment to think. The next time you feel the urge to complain about being stuck inside or even not follow that rule that sound so strict, so unreasonable: you're not infected, what might go wrong...please take a moment and think.

Think of us, if you can.

It seems impossible or so unrealistic but with a little patience you're giving a chance or even saving the life of someone near you like a superhero.

Without you even knowing.

Pretty cool, right?

[lawrenceop]

HOMILY for 10th after Pentecost (Dominican rite)

1 Cor 12:2-11; Luke 18:9-14

St Luke says that Jesus “told this parable to some who trusted in themselves that they were righteous and despised others”. (Lk 18:9) Hence today’s Gospel addresses itself to us in at least three respects: to those who trust in themselves; to those who consider themselves to be righteous; and to those who despise others. Unfortunately, these are not necessarily three distinct groups of people but rather, like the Pharisee in the parable, all three aspects can be (and often are) concurrent in one individual.

Our merciful Saviour, in telling us this parable, therefore, desires to teach you and me to please God truly, through humility of heart – through the offering of a heart that is, like his own Sacred Heart, “meek and humble” (cf Mt 11:29) For that is why the Lord God has become Man, so that we might love Christ, and so, as his friend, desire to imitate him and become like him. So, “for us men and for our salvation”, as we say in the Creed, God chose to show his greatness and power by humbling himself, becoming Man, and dying in a humiliating and shameful manner, by crucifixion. Thus St Augustine says: “On every side the humility of the good master is being assiduously impressed upon us, seeing that our very salvation in Christ consists in the humility of Christ. There would have been no salvation for us, after all, if Christ had not been prepared to humble himself for our sakes”.

The humility of God in the Incarnation and in the Passion is only possible for the true God. The idols, the false gods, that St Paul references in today’s epistle, being at best false projections of human ideals, and at worse, demons, are full of pride: lofty; aloof from human suffering and need; lacking in empathy with the human condition. Such idols St Paul describes as “dumb” because they do not speak. God, the true God, however, speaks his Word, and in so doing he creates all that is for the love of mankind, and then, moreover, God speaks his Word into creation to save mankind. As Pope Benedict XVI has said: “The Son himself is the Word, the Logos: the eternal word became small – small enough to fit into a manger. He became a child, so that the word could be grasped by us”, so that we might share in the divine life through grace, through the humble instrumentality of the Sacraments which are extensions of the Incarnation in our lives. Hence St Augustine says: “the pride of man [is] exposed and cured through the humility of God”.

Catholic tradition, particularly through certain devotional practices that are dear to the Dominican Order, such as the Holy Rosary and the Angelus, loves to contemplate and marvel at the humility of God in becoming Man. For from the incarnate Word we learn humility, we learn to be grateful, we learn to love. Focussing on the humility of the incarnate Lord is thus an antidote to those three aspects that today’s Gospel parable addresses, namely, those who trust in themselves; to those who consider themselves to be righteous; and to those who despise others. Thus St Augustine says: “In order then that men might not disdain to imitate a humble man, God himself became humble – even human pride could not refuse to follow in the steps of God!” If we wish to follow the Master, therefore, then we must first of all follow him in his humility.

What does it mean to be humble? In English we sometimes refer to a man who might have been somewhat exalted as “down to earth”. This is a lovely paraphrase of humilitas, for the Latin word for humble is related to the Latin word humus, meaning ‘the earth’. One who is humble is thus one who remembers that he is made from the dust of the earth, who is thus dependent on God for all that he is, and for all the good things he has, and for all the good he does. For God formed Adam from the earth - and his name, adamah in Hebrew means ‘the ground’ or ‘the earth’. Human beings, therefore, are creatures of the earth, and so the one who is grounded, who is down to earth, who is humble, remembers the limitations of his human nature. Hence St Thomas Aquinas says: “Humility means seeing ourselves as God sees us: knowing every good we have comes from Him as pure gift”.

No one who considers their earthly origins, dependent on the Creator who breathes into him the breath of life, the life-giving breath of the Holy Spirit himself, could pridefully trust merely in himself or in human efforts. For man to trust in himself alone, without any recourse or reference to God, is thus shown to be not merely ingratitude but also foolishness. As St Paul says: “What have you that you did not receive? If then you received it, why do you boast as if it were not a gift?” (1 Cor 4:7)

In today’s epistle, therefore, St Paul lists the many gifts of the Holy Spirit that enrich the Church and enable us to live as Christian disciples. The Pharisee in today’s Gospel also enunciates gifts from God which enabled him to keep the Law of God, and perform good acts of religion. Often our focus is on what we do: we can prophesy, or we can preach, or teach, or catechise; or we have stayed chaste, or have moderated our food and drink; or we have prayed everyday, or gone to Sunday Mass as we should, or done our religious duties. Each of these acts are good and fitting. However, St Paul repeatedly refers to the spiritual gifts that “are inspired by one and the same Spirit” (1 Cor 12:11) because his focus isn’t so much what we do, but how we do these good things. We act not by our own steam, as it were, but by the very divine breath of God. Therefore St James says: “Do not be deceived, my beloved brethren. Every good endowment and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights” (1:17). Therefore, if we are indeed righteous, and if we should consider ourselves to be righteous, as the Pharisee indeed was, then, we must also consider, in humility, that our good acts do not come from us alone but find their origin and completion in God’s grace. Thus the Council of Trent taught: “a Christian should never rely on himself or glory in himself instead of in the Lord, whose goodness towards all men is such that he wants his own gifts to be their merits.” The proud man, therefore, takes pride in his own glory, but the humble gives all glory to God and boasts of God’s mercies. So St Augustine says: “if humility does not precede and accompany and follow every good work we do, and if it is not set before us to look upon, and beside us to lean upon, and behind us to fence us in, pride will take from our hand any good deed we do while we are in the very act of taking pleasure in it”!

The third aspect concerns those who despise others. St Thomas points out that the proud man characteristically looks down on others because he wants to dominate, to think himself superior to others, to exalt himself to an excellence he does not possess. In Latin, therefore, the word for ‘pride’ is superbia, meaning to place oneself over others, which is what the Pharisee does in the parable. He says: “God, I thank thee that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector.” (Lk 18:11b) Externally, it looks as though he is giving glory to God, and thanking God for his gifts, but the Lord exposes his prideful heart because, in fact, he despises others and looks down at them. This should serve as a warning to us: for the Pharisee is doing ostensibly good things: he is praying in the Temple, as he should. He is thanking God for his gifts, as he should. And, he is doing righteous things in accordance with the Law, as he should.

But all these external ritual acts are not enough. These might be enough for an idol, for a false god, but as the true God says to the prophet Samuel: “the Lord sees not as man sees; man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” (1 Sam 16:7) Indeed, Scripture says that “the word of God is living and active… discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.” (Heb 4:12) Thus, Christ, the incarnate Word, teaches us by this parable to pay attention to our intentions, to our inmost thoughts and motivations. Given that these are often hidden even from our own selves, so we ought to be careful in judging others, and in despising them, even those whom we might know to be manifest sinners in gravely sinful situations. By all means, preach the Gospel of salvation and call others to repentance; “convince, rebuke, and exhort, [but] be unfailing in patience and in teaching”, as St Paul said (2 Tim 4:2). And, as I said last Sunday, pray and do penance for the conversion of sinners, bearing witness to others by your charity and virtue. But never despise them, nor consider yourself to be superior, nor look down on them – unless it is from the Cross, as our humble and loving Saviour did.

And, finally, a word concerning our own sinful selves: Do not be swift to judge yourself, condemn yourself, be harsh to yourself, or hate yourself because of your sins. St Francis de Sales observed that this impatience with our own sinfulness and weakness can often arise not because one loves God nor loves virtue, but it may be due to pride: we cannot stand to see our imperfections and hate being seen to be imperfect. Rather, turn to God, and say in all truth and humility: “God, be merciful to me a sinner!” And then trust in God’s grace to act in your life, in his good time, according to his wisdom, and for his own glory. For God, in his Providence, has humbled himself for our salvation. So, likewise, through humbly submitting to God’s Providence and mercy, we shall be cured of pride and be exalted with Him.

[panlight]

Save Him

Part 3 of 3.  (Part 1 and Part 2)

Elizabeth's lucidity did not last long; the next evening she had taken a turn for the worse, and it was likely that neither she nor her son would survive the night. Carlisle's heart ached for them, but he took some comfort in the idea that perhaps Elizabeth would perish first and be spared the grief of witnessing her son's death.  Stubborn, willful, insightful woman that she was, Carlisle suspected that may have been her plan.

He underestimated her.

He prepared to say his goodbyes, to offer words of comfort, but Elizabeth was in no mood to be soothed.  Her eyes shot open with a fire in them completely unrelated to her fever; the effect was startling, and Carlisle found himself frozen in place.

"Save him!"

It was not a request, it was a command. An order.  There was incredible determination and ferocity in her words despite the hoarse frailty of her voice, and Carlisle was once again moved by the awesome power of a mother's love for her child.

"I'll do everything in my power," he assured her, taking her burning hand in his frozen ones.

"You must," she hissed, clutching his hand with such strength that she seemed almost possessed of some superhuman power herself.  "You must do everything in your power.  What others cannot do, that is what you must do for my Edward.”

Carlisle stared back at her, rendered silent by her words and utterly terrified by her request: which version of him was she asking?  

Was she asking the doctor, suspecting he had some secret cure he was keeping from his other patients? Was she asking the haloed angel she had seen in the light of the gas lamp, praying he could save her son through some sort of divine intervention?  Or, most chillingly, was she asking the man with the mysterious, unnamed condition?  In that moment, Carlisle was certain the latter was the one she was speaking to, that she had guessed what that condition was.  Carlisle wanted to take her by the shoulders, tell her that she didn't really mean it, that she couldn't really wish the existence he had on her son.  

But mostly he was terrified because her words had moved him so profoundly, that he was seriously considering doing what she had asked.

Everything in your power. . . What others cannot do. . .

Elizabeth succumbed to her fever, collapsing back into her bed, all her remaining earthly energy expended in her request. She was not yet dead, but the end with nigh. Dr. Cullen turned to her son.

Carlisle did not know him as well as he knew Elizabeth, but from his few conversations with him, he had proven himself a clever boy who loved his parents.  A bright mind, a good heart--would that be enough for him to see that the path that Carlisle followed was the right one?  What would his mother think if Edward turned into the sort of monster that Carlisle himself had always refused to become?  Thoughts of Elizabeth steeled Carlisle's resolve.  If the boy was anything like his mother he would be strong enough, and would know right from wrong.

Carlisle had long been dreaming of a companion.  He tried to pretend that he had nothing specific in mind, but the truth was he often daydreamed of a partner, a wife. Yet here he was being presented with something entirely different--not a spouse, but a friend.  Perhaps a brother.  A son.  It was not what he had imagined, but God worked in mysterious ways. 

He had no idea how to care for seventeen-year-old boy, let alone one who would awaken as a newborn vampire.  He wasn't even certain of how to create another of his kind.  Aro had never divulged that information to him, and he had never asked. He had thought if he didn't know the exact mechanism behind it, he would be less tempted to create another creature like himself. But now he wished he were more certain of the specifics--how much venom did it take? Was there such thing as too much, not enough? The best he could do, he realized, was recreate the circumstances that led to his own transformation; he didn't relish the thought, but it was the only method he knew for certain would work.  

Elizabeth died not long after making her ambiguous request, the cessation of her heartbeat creating a conspicuous silence in Carlisle's mind despite the other sounds of the ward.  Even in death she did not look peaceful, as if she could only allow herself rest once she knew her son would be spared.

"I will do everything in my power," he whispered to her before he gently drew the sheet over her face.  "Put in a good word for me in Heaven, won't you?"

He brought her to the morgue himself, and then returned for Edward.

******************

Having smuggled the unconscious--but not yet dead--Edward Masen out of the hospital, he was now staring at the boy from across the room as he lay on a sofa in Carlisle's home.  He didn't know how to do this, he didn't want to do this. Good intentions and promises to dying mothers aside, what he was about to do was nothing short of monstrous.  

But he had given his word.

"I am so sorry, Edward," he said to the boy, ghosting across the room in an instant.  "There is no other way."

Carlisle closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep, steadying breath.  Then he leaned over him and for the first time in his centuries of existence truly allowed himself to be a vampire.

For one horrible, terrifying second--or fraction of a second rather, given how quickly the vampire mind worked--the monster had the upper hand.  The moment Carlisle had feared and done everything to avoid had finally arrived and the monster was gleeful.

At last at last it's so good isn't it?  So very, very good, so--

It was, and he hated that it was.  He hated how much he wanted it.  Despite his tolerance of the smell of human blood, there had been no way to prepare for the taste. He had been so careful, so very, very, very careful to avoid it.  It was easier if he didn't know what he was missing.  Now he knew, and it was so satisfying that for one awful moment everything shifted and he considered what it would be like if he gave up, if he gave in.

He saw, clear as day in his mind, what his future would be if he killed this boy.  He saw himself sporting a dark cloak and those horrible red eyes, standing beside Aro's throne in Volterra.  And there the grim daydream diverged, showing him two equally horrific scenes: in one, his face was blank, expressionless.  He was as much a ghost as Marcus, a mere shell of his former self.  In the second macabre tableaux, he smiled with an eager glint in his eye identical to Aro's.

Carlisle wasn't sure which imagined future was worse, as both signaled the complete destruction of the man he knew himself to be.  He could not allow either of them to come to pass.

But if he won, if he didn't kill the boy, he could continue to save infinite lives rather than take them.  He could continue to like who he was, if perhaps not so much the what.  If he were able to stop himself now, here, at the point of no return, he's know he had truly won.

And so, with Herculean effort won through centuries of self-restraint, he did.

He drew back, covering his mouth and watching as Elizabeth's son sucked in a deep breath and screamed. How was Carlisle ever going to tell him that his mother asked for this? How could he ever justify being lonely enough to grant her request, knowing full well that she could have no true idea of what she was really asking? It will be different for Edward, Carlisle assured himself.  The worst part was the loneliness, the unending silence, the desperate craving for someone to talk to.  He would never know that.  No, he would just suffer the thirst, the burden of immortality. . . and that was a curse enough.

"I am so sorry, Edward.  So very, very sorry," Carlisle muttered, turning the boy gently on to his side to continue recreating the wounds he had suffered so many centuries ago.  Neck, arm, shoulder, back.  Each bite was easier than the last as he became used to the taste and how much effort it would take to pull away.  His torment now came from knowing the pain Edward would endure for the next three days. "I wish there were another way.  But your mother . . . and I've been so desperate for some company . . .  I'll teach you.  I'll show you the way.  You'll never be alone like I was.  I will never abandon you."

[zhannabelle-eng]

How to prepare for the New Year and resist the coronavirus?

Challenge of Good from Zhannabelle: 5 steps that will change your life

2020 has been a challenging year for the entire world. But let's not let things get us down! A higher power gives us nothing we can't handle and survive. The important thing is that each of us can make the world a better place, and therefore we can make ourselves better too. This is what Zhannabelle's New Year's Challenge of Good is all about. Discover the 5 basic steps you need to take to become happy.

This year has brought a lot of unpleasant news and bad events. First of all, there's the new COVID-19 virus, which has already sickened millions of people. And some people are still waiting in fear to get sick. But should we be afraid so much? Spiritual mentor Zhannabelle recommends everyone to join the Challenge of Good consisting of 5 steps. Performing each step, you will make your life and the lives of your family and friends better, and you will be able to protect yourself from all illnesses. 

Step 1 – SAY THANK YOU

At this difficult time, many may say, ‘I have no one and nothing to be thankful for’. But think carefully before you say this. It has been a difficult year, but have you never had a single event for which you can say thank you? 

Let's proceed with the first step of the Challenge of Good. Take a blank sheet of paper, a pen and write down all the events for which you want to thank God or a family member, a friend, an acquaintance - it does not matter who. Most importantly, remember and write down all the good moments in your life during the year that are worthy to be thanked for.

Some of us may find it difficult to remember everything at once. If this is the case, ask Zhannabelle for a magical amulet. It will awaken your memories and focus on the most important things. After all, so many positive things have happened during this time, and some things are still forgotten! Hold the amulet in one hand and write your list with the other.

Keep this sheet of paper once you have written down all the events. Reread it on days when you feel bad and when you are in a difficult situation. It will give you strength and an opportunity to move on, to live and think only about good things, to believe in a better future and in yourself.

Step 2: BE JOYOUS

Joy is an invincible force. While despondency, sadness and denial can destroy everything, joy inspires and encourages everyone who comes into contact with it. Nowadays, people have protective masks on their faces and you can't tell if they're happy or sad. You should smile in any case! Know and believe that joy can heal any disease and help in difficult situations.

There is one monastery in the world, where almost all diseases can be cured, but on one condition: while you are there, you have to smile all the time. Otherwise, the monks will point out your fault and even punish you. The punishment is carrying heavy buckets of water up and down the hill. Having done this a couple of times, one decides that smiling is much easier and keeps smiling even when no one sees it.

The things is that smiling sends special impulses to the brain, which can even heal the body. Since not everyone can get into that monastery, we must try to awaken our joy on our own.

The easiest way is to stimulate joy with cheerful labels and smiley faces. These should be hung up around your house and/or in the workplace. You can draw a funny face and write: ‘Smile urgently!’ or "You're not naughty, you're a smiley’. Basically, let any little thing that makes you smile be in front of you all the time.

If fun stickers don't work, there is another way. It will fit more for home than office. Turn on your favourite music and dance without thinking about anything. Give yourself over to the dance like children do. You will feel the positive energy pulsating inside you after 2-3 minutes.

Zhannabelle has a special amulet for you in the form of brightly coloured feathers. Just looking at it will make you smile! There is a cheerful spirit inside of it that will energize you with positivity every day.

But if you still can't rejoice anything, then signing up for Zhannabelle’s retreat and doing a ritual there is the only way out. You need to do this, because without the feeling of joy you cannot move on to the next step of our Challenge of Good.

Step 3. BE FRIENDLY 

You now have gratitude and joy. These feelings can be multiplied by sharing them with others through friendliness. But it is important for you to do it from your heart. Think about it: which person's picture you have in front of your eyes right now or who you are constantly thinking about without keeping in touch with this person? Maybe you have dreamt about that person more than once for no reason. Often it is because they need your help or support. Call, text, or meet this person! Even if you haven't communicated for a long time or had a grudge against this person, it's all in the past.

A friendly chat with an old friend would bring you joy and excitement. Send her the link to the article about group classes at Zhannabelle's online school. Let her read it and decide to give it a try, too. Maybe she needs individual consultation, then tell her how to make an appointment. Provide help, be a guide for someone to the world of opportunity, and new resources will open up for you.

Be a friend to people, don't give up on them in difficult situations, and inspire them. Then goodness will return to you. If it is difficult, amulets with assistant spirits will always help you. Put this amulet to your heart - and it will immediately help you be friendly towards others.

Step 4. Be Generous

Generosity isn't only material, although it's also important. For example, sharing money, clothes, and food with those in need. However, the most significant is generosity of your heart and soul. You can not measure it, but it is always immense. You can show it by sharing your joy and giving a good mood to others. But the highest degree is to share knowledge with people. It's especially important to pass on sacred wisdom.

Share information about seminars at Zhannabelle's online school, invite them to join mentor's YouTube channel, where every woman is sure to find a useful and relevant video for herself. You already have this knowledge, so share it, be generous!

Step 5: START BELIEVING

Faith should never leave you: believe in the future, in the best, in yourself. It's the feeling that allows you to move forward. Without it, you can't live life to the fullest.

Write down on a sheet of paper everything you want for your family and yourself. Next to it, write down the things you wish for the world. If you want to have a good life, you should write your wishes on a piece of paper with a huge faith at heart that everything will happen the way you want it. You are recommended to read your wishes to the music of transformation. 

Faith of each of us is very strong, anything is within our power! Faith can heal the whole world and every person. Pray not only for yourself and your family, but also for our planet.

Communal prayer has often saved cities and countries from enemies. It will also help against the common enemy of humans, the coronavirus. Write Zhannabelle via her website where you live, and we will tell you how to contact the women of Power in your city. You can't imagine how many of us there are all over the world! Women unite in prayer for the future of the whole earth. You join us too.

Dear ladies, together we have taken 5 steps towards a new year, a new world. Share this knowledge with your family and friends; send them the link to this article. Invite new people to our seminars, and you will be lucky, prosperous, healthy, you will love and you will be loved. 

Mariika (Budapest)

‘I have been studying at Zhannabelle's online school for a long time. I attend group classes and seminars. It helps me a lot in life: I got rid of fear of communication with strangers, overcame the fear of saying something wrong, as a consequence I met a good man and we are dating. But recently I started dreaming about an old acquaintance with whom we had quarrelled a long time ago. It's funny to say: once, 10 years ago, I considered something she did a betrayal, because she told my parents that I was going on dates instead of going to classes. It seems so silly now, but then it was a tragedy and a dirty trick from Elzbieta, whom I considered my best friend.

When I made an appointment for individual counselling with Zhannabelle, I asked her why I was dreaming about my friend almost every night and what it could mean. She explained that Elzbieta probably needed my help and recommended me to call her. I didn't really want to reconnect with someone with whom I had lost contact long ago. But, following Zhannabelle's advice, I called her.

Elzbieta was pleased to hear my voice. After a couple of minutes of conversation, she admitted that she had been waiting for my call, she was afraid to call, afraid that I would slam the phone on her. It turned out that a couple of months ago she had been diagnosed with breast cancer and the recovery from a course of chemotherapy was very difficult for her. My former friend had no one to have a good talk with. She remembered our friendship, we trusted all our secrets to each other, and no one but me had ever supported her like that. Elzbieta missed me very much and constantly regretted the mistake we had made at a young age, which had caused us to stop communicating. After talking to her, I knew that I had to act immediately and I made an appointment for her for a consultation with the mentor.

After a month of continuous study at the online school, my friend had a sustained remission. She could even keep her breasts, and now she feels great! This is all thanks to Zhannabelle. I showed my concern by doing my part to save Elzbieta, for which I gained a firm friendship.

[tarithenurse]

On my mind, in my soul - 8

Prompt: “I'm so Sorry” by Imagine Dragons, Avengers Tower, a bottle of whisky. All of it suggested by a lovely Anon, so I can’t credit directly. Used lyric passages are in block quotes, as usual. Pairing: Loki x Burglar!reader. Content: Angsting with angst, illness, drinking (though not excessively), pining, nightmare-like scenario, near death, more angst (because why not), worrying, probably swearing.  A/N: Wow....I’m getting much more writing done lately than expected! Feel free to comment and especially reblog! It’s always nice to know what people think. AND due to later shenanigans, I’ve had to reconsider the AU-ness of this, meaning that Ragnarok isn’t canon here (at least not yet). PS Proof reading? What’s that?

Fixing

Opening your eyes is a struggle in its own made no lesser by the glaring lights shining down on you. Light shouldn’t hurt but this does and it’s worse than during the worst hangover…and still it’s not what makes you want to return to the soothing of the darkness that’s already reaching out for you, silencing the distant roar of voices and shrill beeps.

…   Loki’s PoV   …

All around him, people are either working frantically to save this woman they don’t even know (just because he has asked them to) or yelling at him for an explanation. For once, Loki recognizes a fraction of their frustration although he brushes it aside it much the same way he clears the view from the wall he’s leaning against to the bed on the other side of the glass wall.

Green eyes flicker between the frowning faces and tightly pressed lips of the doctors and nurses. Although he knows they are doing all they can, their hands moving rapidly without missing a beat, Loki finds it near impossible to approve of their efforts. Midgardian medicine’s archaic, he sneers inwardly as he sends the cold into the wall behind him instead. Archaic or not, any disruption might ruin their effort all together.

“Lokiii!” Thor’s voice breaches the annoying buzz from anyone else. “What’s the meaning of this, brother?”

Heavy hands force the God of Mischief to look away from the prone figure, finding the electric crackle he knows so well from the older brother’s spats of anger. Having grown up together, Loki supposes it makes sense that the default assumption would be that he’s somehow at fault for whatever tragedy has befallen anyone – often that would have been the case.

“I tried to prevent it,” he answers coldly, once more attempting to clear the view only to find that Thor’s a lot harder to brush aside than the flimsy Midgardians. “Move, brother.”

The hesitation’s brief, spawned from confusion rather than anger, before Thor steps aside and Loki fails in retaining a relieved sigh when the woman’s in sight again. The convulsions have ceased, and it’s a relief to see that the breathing is less laboured even if it’s only because of the tube that’s been shoved down the trachea. Stabilized, that’s the term they’re using beyond the thin barrier, so why does this strange feeling keep gnawing at him? This sense of restlessness. Of guilt and…and worry?

People begin to leave the room, some wiping their foreheads and removing what looks like lab coats, others rushing to nearby rooms with the last samples of whatever has poisoned [Y/N].

“Loki…” Thor nudges the pale man, shifting the attention to a small doctor before them.

Doctor Cho fidgets with the hem of the light blue shirt she has been wearing under the surgical outfit. Not wanting to meet the demanding, green eyes, she looks to Thor instead. “We’ve managed to stop the poison from doing any more damage,” she announces slightly shrill despite the muted whisper, “but we still don’t know what it is and unti–“

“– until you do, there’s nothing that can be done,” Loki finishes the sentence.

About time for anyone telling you off for all your deeds No sign the roaring thunder stopped in cold to read No time Get mine and make no excuses waste of precious breath

… Reader’s PoV   …

You know it’s a dream because of how slowly you seem to be moving, but it doesn’t matter because as long as you’re not waking up, this is what you’ve got to deal with. It’s hard to find some sense to it all, though. Caught in an endless labyrinth created of distorted artefacts, you just know that you have to move forward.

Feet heavy, the ground soft and sticky beneath you as it actively tries to hold you back, making each step physically straining until your legs and lungs are burning from sheer exertion. Whenever you pause, sticky tendrils rise to grab hold and drag you further down.

Once, you fall, nearly swallowing a mouthful of the living floor while you struggle to break free and clamber on forward. Your hand automatically reaches for the emptiness around your neck only to remind you that whatever should be there is missing. That’s why you have to keep going. Have to find the cold.

…   Loki’s PoV   …

They’ve left him alone by the bedside, deeming is safe enough to let the God of Mischief that close (at least after Thor had given his word that it would be fine). Sitting in the room with dimmed lights, Loki ignores anything going on outside that space, his watchful eyes never leaving the shape resting under soft covers. Sometimes [Y/N]’s brows crease, urging the man to lean forward, elbows on knees and chin on clasped fists. Loki can go for much longer without sleep than a normal human can.

A son of a stepfather A son of a I'm so sorry

By the end of the next day, a day that has come and gone without any answers and as such without a cure, Tony Stark enters the infirmary to find Loki standing very close to the bed. Pale fingers laced with nearly lifeless, a thumb absentmindedly caressing refined knuckles.

“So…” Tony begins awkwardly, “thought it was time for that drink.”

Over the years, as the former aggressor has had to clear his name and redeem himself in the eyes of the Avengers and the governing organisations of Midgard, Loki has acquired an odd relationship to the inventor and philanthropist. It’s not quite a friendship, more of a mutual respect from recognizing more than the extravagant mess-maker the world sees.

Now, looking up from the still woman, he finds Tony with a bottle of whiskey and two glasses in his hand, and a crooked smile on the face that doesn’t quite reach the eyes. A nod is all it takes. Quietly lifting a chair over, the man settles down and pours two hefty measures. I’ll return to your side soon, Loki promises wordlessly.

The quiet smacking of lips sounds the approval of the drink and mixes with the faint whirr from medical instruments. A precursor to the words that have yet to be said.

“Who’s she?” There’s no judgement in Tony’s voice at least.

Yes, who is she? Few words would fully do the woman justice nor be capable of explaining who she is to Loki or in her own right. In truth, the only reason he’s had to still be involved in [Y/N]’s life is his guilt and his…my what? Love? No. Love’s reserved for those deserving.

“She’s…someone I’m indebted to.” Dark amber swirls in the glass once. Twice. Thrice. Then it’s drained, burning pleasantly in the throat. “No news on the poison?”

“Sorry.”

Stark has many ways of apologizing, each retaining it’s own level of sincerity or scathing sarcasm depending on the recipient or the occasion. This sorry is genuine although the man isn’t to blame. Afterall, he and those affiliated with him have done all they can to save [Y/N], and it’s not their fault the Midgardian knowledge isn’t enough to –

Sensing the stillness, Stark waves a hand in front of Loki’s face. “Hey…what’s up?”

“Soul Forge…” the god manages to breathe.

“Soul…that sounds ominous.”

Loki can feel hope returning to him, can feel the renewed power running through his body. “A Soul Forge is a…how can I phrase this simply enough for you to understand? It’s a medical device used for diagnosing and treating many illnesses and condition in Asgard. It could cure [Y/N] or at least help us get closer.”

A weak sputtering can be heard from Stark, but the Asgardian’s on his feet by the hospital bed. “Sorry to break it to you, Reindeer Games, but your old man’s made it clear that you’re to stay here.”

“I know. But…I must try.”

Life isn't always what you think it'd be Turn your head for one second and the tables turn

…   Reader’s PoV   …

Every path you take looks the same in a world where nothing moves the air and the shadows stretch unnaturally. Still, you know you’re getting closer, somehow, because the grabby ground is receding, chased away by slippery patches of ice that glitter darkly with the threat of sending you falling though into a cold nothingness should you slip and fall hard enough.

Logic screams at you to stop, that it’s just a dream and you don’t have to try so hard…but it’s not only in your head. Not completely. Reaching a new patch of ice, you slow down in an attempt to prevent the slippery surface from breaking beneath you. Out of reach, thin tendrils of living stickiness are reaching for you only recoiling slightly at the angry glare you shoot them.

Don’t you dare, you yell voicelessly at them, I’ll get there, just wait and see! And you power on, chest burning and heart threatening to give up before you reach your goal.

…   Loki’s PoV   …

The idea of leaving [Y/N] behind is nearly enough to break Loki’s resolve if it wasn’t for the fact that it’s for her that he’ll attempt to reconcile with his father. Stepfather. And if that’s not a hurdle monumental enough, Odin’s still known for his lack of interest in the Midgardians despite the realm being favoured by Thor.

“It’s time,” the older brother’s hand lies heavy on Loki’s shoulder.

They both know the risk Loki’s facing and although it may be for different reasons, they pray to the ancestors that the Trickster will be allowed to return from Asgard. One last look at the poison-marred face, a last caress across the knuckles, then Loki turns to leave.

And I know, I know that I did you wrong But will you trust me when I say that I'll Make it up to you somehow, somehow

[simonxriley]

💀🙏💍☄📓⚖💰🤕🍵🎨💧 for Skylar. Kgksf sorry but i just really love Skylar so i hope it's not bothersome babe.

I knew you were going to ask a lot asdfghjkl, which I’m fine with because I love her. Thanks you!

20 OC Questions

💀 Has your OC ever lost anyone to death? Multiple people? People close to them? How does the loss make them feel?

Yes she has. She lost her whole squad to an ambush in Afghanistan when she was a Marine, her best friend Molly being one of them. The lose has left her with survivors guilt, there’s not a day that goes by where she wonders why she lived and they didn’t. 

🙏 Is your OC religious in any way? Why or why not? Do they have other beliefs that govern them in any way?

She kinda waivers back and forth. She doesn’t fully believe in a God, but she likes to think there’s a heaven or a place we go after we die that’s peaceful. But she does find herself praying when things go very badly, in hopes there is some higher power out there, a higher power that might help guide her in the right direction. 

💍 Does your OC have a specific item that is priceless to them but may (or may not) be completely worthless to someone else? Is there a story behind this item or is it just because they like it so much?

The dog tag that Tachanka gave her not long after they got together. One side says “Kotyonok. I promise to be faithful to you, to cherish you, to commit to you and support you. My heart will be your shelter and my arms will be your home. Ты мой рай, ты моё небо, ты моё солнце.” The last part is  you are my paradise, my heaven, you are my sun in Russian. It means so much to her because Tachanka was/is her saving angel. She never thought she would be in such a loving and healthy relationship and it all happened because she fell for a certain Spetsnaz operator named Alexsandr “Tachanka” Senaviev. 

☄️ Does your OC believe in fate and destiny or do they think it’s a load of garbage? Would they ever get this fortune told? What would a fortune-teller tell them about their future?

She does, even after all she’s been through she can’t help but think she had to go through all of that to be where she is today. With Rainbow, with a man that loves her with everything he has. The day she joined the Marines was the day her path was paved for her and Tachanka to meet, fall in love and eventually get married and have kids. And she can’t be more grateful for that. She wouldn’t get her fortune read, she’d be too paranoid afterwards. 

📓 Write a typical diary/journal page by your OC! (or if you’d rather not, describe their journal. Do they keep one, why?)

Already answered. 

⚖️ What is the biggest crime your OC has committed? Are they a theif, a cheat, a liar? What is the smallest, most petty crime they’ve committed? Or do they not do crime at all?

Skylar isn’t one to commit crimes. Maybe stealing Tachanka’s heart, but that’s it.

💰 If your OC had all the money they could ask for what would they do with it? Where would they go and what would they buy? Are they the only one who benefits from this wealth?

She would donate a lot of it, she was always about giving back to the less fortunate and it wouldn’t change once she had all the money in the world. She would keep enough to live comfortably (with the 8 kids), travel and have enough money for the kids to go to a good college.

🤕 What is the worst injury your OC has ever suffered? Do they have any scars or lasting physical reminders of it? Do they get sick often or have any lasting medical conditions?

She’s had 2, though one technically hasn’t happened yet. The first being the ambush in Afghanistan. When the Humvee she was near got hit by an RPG it sent her flying down a hill, and some shrapnel hit her neck, causing the huge scar on it and her collarbone. The second is during the Outbreak, which i can’t say because it’ll spoil it. As for sickness, she hardly gets sick.

🍵 Are there any rumours about your OC hanging around? Nasty ones or just good humoured? Got any gossip to share about them?

The only gossip going around is that she’s in a relationship with Tachanka. ‘Cause Thermite decided to out their relationship. And some people don’t agree with it. 

🎨 Is your OC artistic? Can they draw or paint or do they prefer another medium? Are they a writer or musician or do they do something else? Give us a quick run down of what they can get creative with!

She is, she can draw and somewhat paint. Glaz is a much better painter than her, but she enjoys the time they share when they paint together. She doesn’t prefer one over the other, she likes them both the same. 

💧 What makes your OC lose hope, what makes them give up and feel helpless? Have they ever given up on something really important or let go of a dream? What are some of their biggest regrets? Would they ever try again (if they’re able to)?

One of the times Skylar lost hope was during the Outbreak. Seeing all those monster’s trying to attack and feeling like all these small missions were for nothing, because at the time she didn’t think there would be a cure. The second was when she was in that abusive relationship. She really though she would be married to him and have kids with him, living in fear on the daily. 

[the-energon-hole]

may i request a headcanon for the transformers prime bots, Optimus Prime, Bumblebee, Knock Out, and Ratchet for their opinion on a schizophrenic human ally whos coping skill is art? like painting entire walls to escape their madness.

((A/N I’m going to level with you on this one, this was actually really hard for me to write and I had a difficult time wording my sentences without seeming offensive or ignorant.

My Father suffered for a very long time due to Schizophrenia, to which eh rarely ever took his medications, and my Mother told me she prayed every day that my Brother and I would never suffer from it- we both suffer from a multitude of mental illness, but neither of us have experienced Schizophrenia.

I’m sorry if this sounds vague and unfulfilling- I did my best with the knowledge and understanding I have of this particular mental illness, and I hope it is sufficient enough to satisfy this request- I didn’t want to offend anyone and I didn’t want to seem like I was being spiteful on purpose, If there is anything you ant to change or talk to me about, please, let me know.))

Optimus Prime

-He was not a medical professional and could not define and explain all kinds of illnesses that Cybertronians can suffer from, but he knows the bare basics of his species and their ailments so that when you professed to him that you suffer from a disorder known as Schizophrenia, he couldn’t help but try to equate it to one of their own illnesses to try and understand it a little better. He couldn’t think of anything major, and he felt terrible that you were having trouble staying grounded and not listening to the voices that tell you lies while perceiving ghosts and apparitions that were not there. You tried your best to take your medications and attend your therapy, but it felt like everyday was a struggle to push through all of these twisted and anxious feelings you feel. There was only one thing that mostly made you feel better, the one thing that helps you stay grounded and helps you perceive what is real behind all of these twisted and confusing patterns you can perceive others can’t seem to notice. Painting was your solace in a world that felt like it judged you before you ever even got a chance to introduce yourself- and that was something the Prime oud relate to all too well. SO long as it made you happy and you were able to function a little bit better, he says paint away, create big and bold works of art that express how you are feeling- and don’t let anyone stop you from creating.

-Optimus loved watching you pour your heart and being into every single one of your large and upscale murals, it reminded him why he fought so hard to protect your entire species as a whole- each and every human is important and has something of value and worth to offer the world. Your art was oddly comforting with all the warm and inviting colors you use to try and display what you perceive as your reality. You were so quick at painting to, you could finish a big mural on a blank wall so easily that he felt if he blinked he would miss you working on it- you did it so often it was second nature for you to plash and plaster whatever surface in paint that it was mesmerizing seeing it happen first hand. He hops you never stop creating, as it was a great way for you to cope and work out whatever feelings you were experiencing, it was also a great reminder that no matter how broken you think you are- you are important and you have so much to offer to the world.

Bumblebee

-Thought it has never been a chronic problem for him, he too, has experienced a detachment from what reality really was. Fighting in a war that he was basically thrown into without much choice can have a really bad negative impact on one’s ability to function normally. He has been given multiple treatments by Ratchet in order to fix some of his mental problems, but you had to explain that it wasn’t hta teasy in the human mind, and that biology was a very fickle thing that not even humans understood 100% at this point in time. The only treatment for you right no is medication and therapy along with a few coping skills that you partake in to help you remember that not everything you see and hear are really there. He was such a  great listener, that anytime you had to question if something was really there, he would tell you without being malicious or judgy about it. You felt safe sharing around Bumblebee almost more so than you do your therapist, but that was dangerous, because you need to be honest with them for them to help you better cope with what you are feeling. Bumblebee was the one to tell you that, as honesty will always be the best way to get better when it came to medical issues, as one cannot heal until they admit they have a problem. He was wise beyond his years it would seem, but again, it must have been because of this war that nearly wiped out his entire species and destroyed his planet.

-Painting was always something that made you cope with your reality as it helped to ground you and help you decipher what was real and what was something your brain decided to cook up to make you question your own sanity. Bumblebee can’t say he can relate to the whole art thing, but he is happy to sit and listen to you talk about the latest creation you have made. He is always shocked at the scale in which you create art, you can fill an entire wall up of different colors and patterns and shapes- it was almost overwhelming for him to process, but if it made you happy to create and share than he would try his hardest to relate and understand what you were telling him. It was also pretty cool actually watching you create such large pieces of artwork all over every surface anyone would let you do- you can fill up so much space with such meaningful images it was You were one of the most important people to him on this planet, and he will do whatever it takes to make you feel loved and normal, even if he doesn’t fully comprehend everything you are telling him.

Ratchet

-When you explained to him in as much detail as you could about what Schizophrenia was, he seemed to absorb the information like a medical sponge and began to inquire about things you didn’t even know about your own mental illness. He asks because it is similar to a medical condition Cybertronians can suffer from called a Processor Loop- here the processor tricks and manipulates all the sense in the frame into reliving the same series of events over and over again. It was a dangerous illness that is brought on by devastating physical trauma or devastating emotional trauma, and it can last for a mere few cycles or the rest of a bot’s existence- as it is not so easily cured or changed. Your illness was similar in that you can take medication and it doesn’t always help subside the problems, you have good days and bad days jus like patience he has had over the cycles. In his spare time he likes to research Schizophrenia, and is fascinated by how the biological human brain works, and he is here for you if you need advice on how to differentiate between your brain’s hallucinations and reality.

-He wasn’t trying to be mean to you or come off as if he doesn’t care, but the fact that you paint to help keep you grounded and clear from all your chemical imbalances in your brain wasn’t that interesting to him. He is impressed with the result of your hard work and dedication to your projects, but really he has a lot of other things going on in his life to just sit and ath you work. He likes to check up on you while you are caught up in whatever to was you were doing to make sure you were still functioning normally and that you weren’t in any kind of apparent danger of harming yourself or others- but that was ok. He doesn’t have to be interested in what you do all the time, it was just nice to know he was there to see your paintings when they were done, it was fun explaining how you got to the conclusion of your work and your thought process behind how you go there to this conclusion. He was a mech of science after all, and if there was one thing he likes hearing about, it was how you got to the solutions you did using your research and development process- aka he liked hearing about how your paint and motor skills got you to this finished product hr eas viewing.

Knockout

-Being a medical doctor of the Cybertronian variety, he can say without any doubt, that you and your human mind was an absolute enigma. You didn’t function the same way that he and his species did, so when you explained it to him how you need medication and talk therapy to sort out your perceptions and sporadic feelings it just baffled him further. Talking thing through seemed like a logical fix, but it also seemed too easy, surely there was another way to fix it? There isn’t? Well that is no good- if talking is what it takes for you to be able to tell what is rea and what is just some messed up vision your brain decides to throw at you than you can bet he will be there to talk to you about what is really going on around you. Humans were so fascinating, and the fact there was stl so much to discover about your minds was also interesting, he would have explored it had he the time to do so- but you know, soldiers to repair and frames t fix, his plate was already full of unethical research that yours was at the bottom of the list. No offense to you, but you seem to be getting along just fine without his input, and he didn’t want to mess up all the progress you made already. Sitting and talking as always an option with him, and he was always willing to listen to what you have to say- even if some of it as a little crazy, but in his mind, a little crazy is always a good sign.

-Knockout was a fan of all things colorful and lively, so anytime you made a big mural dedicated to all the pretty colors and endless patterns you can think of, he was always the first one to praise the beauty you can create with just the simple stroke of you brush. He would call you a genius, he would rave about how it was grand that you were bringing such beautiful creations to a dull and dreary world, but mostly he would tell you that you were doing a good job keeping grounded and releasing all of those mad thoughts into something that everyone could appreciate. Art was a good way for you to share what you were seeing and feeling, and it was a good way to remind yourself that not everything you perceive is real, and it was a good way to get noticed by the bright red mech who wouldn’t seem to get enough of your larger scale wall murals that you spend so much time on that it was nice someone appreciated it. A lot of people write off your art as strange or unnerving, but that was far from what you wanted them to see, s it was nice to know Knockout can see what you were throwing out there without you having to explain it to him or hold his hand through all of the images you plastered on whatever surface you could get your hands on.

(05/03/18)

[osmw1]

Poison-Wielding Fugitive   Chapter 22

“Father, is there anything else that you need?” “I’m alright for this here now. But the next batch will be a bit tricky, so I’ve got to get started on it soon.”

The trembling apothecary replies with a cough interspersed. That’s a little worrying.

“I’ll help out too.”

I begin tidying the messed-up room. Arleaf watches her dad so that she can make his work easier, even if only a bit. A coughing fit interrupts his work, but he soldiers on. He blends herbs both poisonous and not, along with some dried monster organs all together with his mortar and pestle. He then distills and boils the mixture, but the lengthy and complicated process still isn’t finished. During a break in their work, I meet Arleaf’s mother for the first time. She walked out to the shop from her bedroom.

“Haa… haa…” “Mother. Hold on, okay?”

Arleaf wipes the cold sweat off her mom’s face, wrings out the towel, and places it on her forehead to cool her down. I take a peek at Arleaf’s mom. I can see where Arleaf gets her good looks from. There’s a red spot around her collarbone… I see a petal.

A single petal… and according to Veno, she dies if the petal disappears. It’s no laughing matter anymore. There’s no way they didn’t notice her condition until now. While we wait for the medicine to be finished, I can only hope both Arleaf’s parents get better after taking it.

I’m not here to watch them work; I help out with the compounding. Seems like they’ve gotta turn a bunch of different ingredients into medicine. And after helping out at Arleaf’s home for a few hours…

“Almost done.”

Arleaf’s dad mutters out while holding back his coughs.

‘How baffling… that would only halt its progression but not completely cure the person of the disease. Does he want to test the vitality of the patients?’

What?! Why would they make something like that? Didn’t you say that they can easily recover if they take their meds?

‘Judging by that man’s work, it looks as though he knows not how to make medicine to treat Bloodflower… aye, it seems not all humans have found a cure.’

Hold on, Veno. You’re saying the cure isn’t common knowledge?

‘If that is the finished product, then indeed, I think he knows not.’

… that reminds me, Veno even knows how to make stamina recovery potions.

‘Perhaps, that is how the apothecary makes his money. By selling his symptomatic treatment and not curing the cause, he will have an unending source of income.’

No way he’d do that. Never mind himself, that’s his wife who’s been infected. That kind of profiteering just doesn’t make sense.

‘I wonder. Humans are greedy animals. There are humans that can simply abandon the sick, even if they are blood-related. For example, if a man wants another woman, his first wife becomes a nuisance.’

You’re cold. Why are humans such despicable creatures to you, Veno? You’re normally brimming with curiosity, and so I even go out of my way to tell you about things…

‘…’

He stays silent after hearing me out. However it may be, Veno, do you know how to make a proper cure? If you do, tell me and I’ll advise them.

‘By doing so, thou art beckoning misfortune upon thyself. Even I would avoid doing so. Dost thou recognize the risk of this action?’

… what do you mean by that?

‘Thou wilt not be recognized for thine efforts if thou should fail. We shall be driven out of this village.’

How awful for you to speak like that. I’m trying to do what I can to save these people. How can I do nothing and watch them suffer?

‘That medicine depends on the fortitude of the patient. There is a chance of survival; there is no need to be pessimistic.’

I can’t stand such a cold-hearted idea of prioritizing my own survival.

‘Thou… I do not disagree with thine feelings. In fact, I find it very noble. However… I have experienced how foolish humans can be, thus the reason for my advice.’

But I haven’t heard a single damn reason from you! How the hell am I supposed to understand anything?

‘Hah… listen then. Hear my advice then extend thine hand. I fear the burden of the repercussions will be too heavy for thee. I ask thee to refrain from making a hasty decision.’

A hasty decision?

‘Aye. Saving others will incur an appropriate liability. Should thou fail, they will hesitate not to turn upon thee. It matters not whether our intentions are good or not, they will come for thine head.’

Veno begins to explain. Once, there was a person trying to find a cure to the epidemic. By chance, he concocted a potion that was effective and shared it with the people closest to him. The ones who received help were thankful to him. Unfortunately, the cure he created was by accident. He was not able to eradicate the disease. Once the story of how he found a cure spread out, others surrounded him desperately demanded him to recreate the cure. Of course, he had no more cure to offer. He tried reasoning that he had only unexpectedly stumbled upon a working formula.

Those who clung to that small glimmer of hope found nothing in return. Anything else they did was rash and thoughtless, Veno lamented. This is the guy that spread the disease around, isn’t he? I bet that bunch bought their cure for an unimaginable amount of money! That’s right, they’re his accomplices. That makes them no better than him.

They’re witches—no, demons! Let’s get them! We’ll hunt them witches! Try them all!

The family of the dead arm themselves and lynch the ones who were saved. The ones who were saved were branded as witches…

‘… a long time ago, I was given a record of pharmaceutical insight. I spoke with this person and learned that he was repenting for living. Repenting, as the others who were not so lucky had shifted their blame on him, making him a scapegoat.’

… Veno must have a point in telling me all this. Man is bound to commit acts of foolishness. I can deduce that he’s trying to tell me that I could possibly hurt the innocent.

‘Thus, if I teach thee how to create a cure, thou ought to take responsibility. Ascertain whether thou can and should.’

… I can’t half-ass this. I really have to do this well and follow through with it.

‘I have come to be fond of thee. Hence I wish not to see thee needlessly hurt.’

I believe him. Really, that kind of thing isn’t out of the realm of possibility. What if I give people a hope but can’t follow through with it? That’s scary to think of. Not to mention, I’m a nobody. They’re just some village people from a strange and unknown parallel world.

“…”

Suddenly, I had a flashback of everything that had happened since I came here. Arleaf saved me, helped me complete quests, and got me a good rate at the inn. And though this village may be rather quiet, people took me in. Everyone’s been warm and cordial to me. To think that I could emotionally wall them off and think about my survival first…

I was only staying here to train and develop myself before the pursuers get to me. The swamp was simply convenient for me. I can make all these excuses, but I can’t excuse the fact that everyone treated me well. I chuckle a little at Veno.

‘What is it? Is something funny?’

I’m a wanted criminal because of you. If I do good, then they’ll have less of a reason to pursue us. That means I should help them out to fulfill my childish sense of justice. Even if Veno’s medicine doesn’t work, it doesn’t change a thing. I’d rather regret doing something than regret not doing anything at all.

‘Good grief… well, we have become stronger. Thou need only to do thine best. However, if others seem to do anything foolish, thou must follow my orders. Thou must protect thyself against any possible dangers.’

Suppose the villagers do anything foolish like Veno said, I have to listen to what Veno tells me to do to survive. I pray for that day never to come.

‘Then, I shall teach thee how to create a remedy for Bloodflower. Listen closely.’

Gotcha. As Arleaf’s father completes the finishing touches on his medicine, I grab the bowl he was planning to use.

“That won’t heal this disease.” “Hah? What are you sayin’, Cohgray?” “Yukihisa?”

Arleaf’s father glares at me with doubtful eyes while Arleaf worriedly watches us.

“You know that too, don’t you? This will only alleviate the symptoms of Bloodflower and nothing more. It depends on the patient’s system to fight the disease.” “… ah. But as everyone knows, this is the only thing that works against Bloodflower.” “I know of a cure for Bloodflower. I didn’t think it had spread this far, so I was a bit shocked is all.” “The hell you sayin’? If you’re going to screw around, then get the hell out of—cough cough cough.”

The instant the man looked at me when I interrupted him, his face flushed red with anger, only to be cut off by his violent coughing. I took the opportunity to bare his chest. Only one petal of blood remains.

His condition is as bad as his wife’s, who has been confined to her bed for a while. Impressive. Normally at this stage, people can’t get up. That’s what Veno’s said in his analysis of the disease.

“Father!”

Arleaf calls out while rubbing her father’s back, trying to soothe his cough.

“Cough cough. Ar-Arlea—cough.”

Arleaf’s father points at me, trying to get me out of his way.

“Mu…” “Father, I didn’t know your condition worsened this much…”

Flustered at the state her dad is in, Arleaf avoids looking him in the eyes. It doesn’t seem like Arleaf’s dad has the strength to force me out of his way either.

“Are you saying—there’s such a mi-miraculous drug…?” “Watch me. All I need to do is add a little more to what you’ve just made.”

I repeated what Veno had just said to me and continue Arleaf’s dad’s work. The poisonous herb pogneuk magically appears in front of my eyes. Consumption of it causes shortness of breath.

‘Mash the pogneuk with the mortar and pestle then add the neutralizer, making a potion. Add in a pinch of dietetrodake spores.’

I add the ingredients exactly as Veno instructs me to.

‘Then, take five milliliters of water squeezed out of marphina and mix that in. We do not have enough from the previous time we made it.’

I just wanted to double-check whether I’m making this right. Most of what I added in is toxic. This only looks real deadly to me. You sure this is okay?

‘Worry not and just do as I say. Up comes the hardest part. So that it accounts for five percent of the potion the apothecary has made, add in our concoction. Any less and it shall not be effective. Any more and it shall spell death.’

Gah… you couldn’t have made this any harder, could you? I can probably use Detect Poison on the final product, but I can’t stand to see myself fail now. I try to stop my hand from shaking so much and hope that this is five percent.

previously: /ch001/ /ch002/ /ch003/ /ch004/ /ch005/ /ch006/ /ch007/ /ch008/ /ch009/ /ch010/ /ch011/ /ch012/ /ch013/ /ch014/ /ch015/ /ch016/ /ch017/ /ch018/ /ch019/ /ch020/ /ch021/ /ch022/ /next/ (full list of translated chapters) (discussion thread on Novel Updates) (please support me on Patreon or Paypal)

[dontshootmespence]

End to Denial

A/N: An anon request for a different perspective on a fic I did called Me or Her, where the reader tells Spencer he has to choose between her and Maeve. The anon wanted it from Spencer’s POV. 

                                                              ----

Finally! After what felt like decades, but was probably only a year and a half, Spencer had found someone that could help his intense migraines. “Y/N! I think I found someone that can help me with my migraines.”

She spun around, knowing how hard it had been on him to be in such pain without knowing the cause. “Who is it?”

Spencer had done so much searching that people had started to bleed into one another, but this one stood out; she was one of the few women he’d come across, and the only geneticist. 

“What will she be able to do?” Y/N asked.

He rambled, telling her exactly how he’d gone about obtaining her consult. She’d asked to see his numerous CAT scans and MRIs. Once she saw them,  she’d be able to devise a plan, a vitamin regimen, that might help the migraines go away. “She might be able to recommend something other doctors haven’t thought of.”

“Go for it,” she said. “Can’t hurt.”

                                                             ----

How had he gotten here?

It started innocently enough. After Maeve had prescribed a vigorous vitamin regimen, he’d started calling her periodically to update her on his condition. Seven months had gone by and his migraines had all but disappeared; he felt totally and completely indebted to her. Without a cure for his migraines, he was not only getting burnt out physically, but emotionally too. 

Physically, he was great; Spencer had never felt better, but emotionally...he was worse off than before. Something was stirring in him and he was hesitant to name it. Y/N was the love of his life - at least, he’d always thought so, but there was something about Maeve he really liked, and for months now, he’d called her more often than was necessary. Y/N didn’t seem to mind, although occasionally she did ask why he was calling for the second time in a week. Before he could stop himself, he found himself making up some kind of medical excuse, or claiming that Maeve wanted to use his results for a study. 

Why was he making excuses? 

He knew; of course he knew.

But he couldn’t name it. If he did, then it became real, and if it became real then he’d be forced to choose between her and Y/N. Maeve was his equal in every way; the conversations they had were effortless and soothing, but Y/N was his complement. While he was shy, she was outgoing. He was quiet, she was loud. He was a homebody and she was adventurous. They were the perfect combination of two people and he loved her so much. Was it possible to be in love with two people? He believed so. What else could this feeling be? Why else did his face light up when Maeve called? Why did he make excuses to talk to her if he wasn’t in love with her?

As he emerged from his and Y/N’s bedroom after another needless phone call, Y/N spun around and screamed. Her face was beat red, her eyes were puffy from crying, and her voice...it cut right through him. “I can’t do this anymore!”

“What do you mean?” 

“Her! Make a choice or get the fuck out. I’m done being hurt by you - the one man I thought would never hurt me is causing me undeniable pain, and I refuse to do it anymore.”

“Y/N, why are you doing this? I love you.” Why was he even trying to deny this? Why was he trying to claim anything other than the truth?

Her voice shook as she lifted her hands to wipe the tears away from her eyes. “I love you, too.” Why did this happen? Why did he fall for someone else? Her eyes bore into him, the signs of betrayal and hurt so sharp they dug into him like a knife, each tear twisting the blade in his gut. “I believe you. That’s why it hurts so much. You are developing feelings for someone else. You love someone else too, and I can’t continue to watch it. It’s killing me.” She clutched at her heart. “Every time your face lights up, I can tell it’s her. Every time you take a call from her my heart feels like it’s wrenching out of my chest.”

“Who am I in love with?” Spencer couldn’t help the words coming out of his mouth, because he still couldn’t admit them to himself.

“Maeve!” She screamed; he heard her vocal chords tear themselves to shreds. “I thought she was a godsend. She took away your pain, but you transferred it to me. It’s not fair. I didn’t do anything to deserve this. All I did was love you.” She continued to rant to his horror and shame. Everything she said was true. He was in love with her. He had no idea how it happened or why, but he loved Maeve, and he loved Y/N too. “When it comes to you, I’m selfish,” she continued. “I want you for myself. So you need to choose? Is it me or her?” A coughing fit overtook her as she finished speaking, the breath being pulled from her lungs with each word. Heated tears streamed down her face. “I want you to leave until you can figure out what you want.”

“Y/N, please don’t do this. I love you.” He meant it. Spencer truly did love her; he couldn’t lose her. He tried everything he could think of to get her to take it back, asking why Maeve was any different from JJ or Emily or Garcia. Of course, he was again met with the truth. He was friends with them, but Maeve was different. 

“We work together, so I will continue to be professional, but until you can figure out what you want I need you to leave.” She’d been crying so hard and was so out of breath that she looked like she wanted to throw up. “I hope you come back, because I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone, but if you come back, it needs to be without her in any way. It’s me or her.”

                                                            ----

“Okay kid,” Morgan said nearly three weeks after Y/N had kicked him out of their apartment. “Spill. The tension between you and Y/N could be cut with a knife. What the hell is up with you two?” He’d been staying with Morgan, but he refused to talk about what happened until now.

Of course, Y/N had kept true to her word, saying nothing about what happened between them. They weren’t PDA-heavy in the office anyway, so very little had changed about the team dynamic, except that they didn’t interact as much as they used to. “You know the doctor I’ve been talking to about my migraines?”

“Yea,” Morgan said, recognition dawning on his face as he spoke her name. “Maeve? You’re...Did you...?”

“Not physically,” Spencer said, unsure whether physical or emotional cheating was worse. “But I fell in love with her. Y/N was uncomfortable with it, not that I blame her, I would have been too, but she told me to leave until I could figure out what I wanted.”

The tears stung at the corners of his eyes as he spoke, looking down at his desk, ashamed beyond words for how he’d hurt the woman he loved. “What is it about this other woman that made you fall for her? Does she feel the same way about you?”

“I don’t know,” he said quietly. “And she did say she loved me, but it sounded like she slipped. There was something easy about how we spoke to each other, not better, but different than Y/N. She says I’m in awe of Maeve, and that’s how it happened. I think she may have been right. I just don’t know how to fix this.”

“What did Y/N say?”

“She believes I love her, but if I am to come back, I have to cut off all contact with Maeve.”

Morgan heaved a heavy breath. “How the fuck did this happen?” Not the Reid wasn’t a catch, but Morgan had never expected him of all people to be in this position.

“I don’t know.” The tears had started flowing, so he and Morgan walked to the staircase outside the BAU. “Do you have any advice?”

“The only thing I could think to say is to imagine your life without Maeve, and do the same with Y/N. How does each scenario make you feel?”

                                                           ----

At the time, what Morgan said seemed overwhelming, but over the course of the next few days, he sat in the park trying to think about life without Maeve and Y/N. He came to one undeniable conclusion. Life without Maeve didn’t change much for him, but life without Y/N felt hollow - even the thought of it almost made him sick. He imagined calling Maeve to tell her he couldn’t speak to her anymore, and although it hurt, it didn’t burn like the thought of leaving Y/N.

Without giving himself time to think, he picked up the phone and made the call.

“Hello?” In a perfect world, he would’ve maintained her as a friend, but he was aware that he couldn’t. “Spencer?”

He cleared his throat. “Yea, hi Maeve.”

“What’s wrong? You’ve been crying. I can hear it in your voice.”

“I can’t talk to you anymore.”

“What do you mean? Why?” She was hurt and he could immediately hear her voice strain. “I thought Y/N kicked you out?”

“She did. She told me to make a choice. I feel something for you. It’s more than friendship, but it’s not what I have with Y/N. I love her so much and I can’t imagine my life without her.”

“She’s making you choose? Why can’t we at least be friends?” 

He needed to conclude this call quickly. “She’s not making me choose. It’s my choice. I choose her. I want to marry her. I want a family with her. I want to grow old with her, and if I had my choice I would die the day before she did so I never had to live a day without her. I can’t thank you enough for helping me with my migraines, but I can’t be friends with you because there’s something else there, and I refuse to continue hurting Y/N. I’m sorry, Maeve.” With the words out, he felt a weight lift off his shoulders. “Goodbye.” When he hung up, he stood up from the bench and walked toward Morgan’s place. Tomorrow, with a full night’s rest, he’d go see Y/N and hope that he wasn’t too late.

                                                          ----

While he waited for the door to open, he prayed that the damage wasn’t already done. The door swung open. “What is it?” Tears were already forming in her eyes; he was pretty sure crying was all she’d been doing, and he hated himself for being the cause. “I don’t feel like doing this, so make it quick.”

“I-I don’t want her,” he stuttered. “I want you. I called her and told her I couldn’t see or talk to her ever again.”

“Did you...do you love her?” She asked, biting her lower lip to stave off tears.

“It was more than friendship. I think I loved her, but I wasn’t in love with her...I tried to imagine my life without her and it hurt but I knew I’d get over it.” Hearing him speak the truth brought on a fresh wave of tears, but she also looked relieved. “When I tried to imagine my life without you, I felt hollow. I want you, for the rest of my life...if you’ll have me of course.”

“You still know her phone number.”

“I do,” he said, swallowing the lump in his throat. “I can’t un-know it, but I will never, ever use it again. You can check my phone whenever you want. Whatever you need to do to trust me again, I’ll do it. I need you to know that I only want you.” He took her hand and placed it over his frantically-beating heart. The heat of her skin calmed him.

“Don’t make me regret letting you in,” she said. A small smile formed at the corners of her lips. “If I find out you ever had any contact with her again, we’re done.”

“I promise,” he said quickly. He caressed the side of her face and pressed his forehead to hers. “You’re all I want.”

@coveofmemories @jamiemelyn @sexualemobitch @unstoppableangel8 @iammostdefinitelyonfire26 @rmmalta @lukeassmanalvez @reddie-for-mileven @hogwarts-konoha 

[faithdvalle]

Grace in sickness

I was diagnosed with PCOS and endometriosis in 2017. These are chronic illnesses of my reproductive system that causes abnormalities in my body which I’d rather not describe in detail. While it’s not deadly, it does cause me to experience symptoms that have really affected my daily life. Especially since I hit my 20s and now, I just recently turned 25, my body has been more sensitive to these. 

The worst symptom that affects me is the chronic fatigue that comes with it. There will be days where I will have a hard time breathing and difficulty moving. I would want to be productive or spend time with loved ones but severe headaches will disrupt my activities. It can last for hours to days. Chronic fatigue used to come only when I was my period but recently, as I was nearing my mid 20s, it came often even on days when I would not expect it. I absolutely hated those days when I wanted to learn or work but I can’t. I also hate telling people about my sickness when I have to give them the real reason why I can’t make it to work or to a hang-out. 

I also wish I can eat like other people. My body is intolerant to many kinds of food such as sweets, fried food and even milk. Unlike others who can eat these kinds of food without experiencing any physical repercussions, for me, consuming these in substantial amounts means that I risk my symptoms getting triggered. Last week, I ate cake, frankies and milk for two straight days to treat myself during the holidays. Because of that, my chronic fatigue lasted for 4 days.

I also have painful menstrual cramps. They would be as painful as a mother in childbirth. The pain is traumatizing. I’ve been sent to the emergency room several times since the only cure is injection of strong painkillers. I’ve also already fainted while enrolling in my university (UPD). I’m glad that I haven’t experienced this in a year now and I’m in faith it won’t happen again. On top of that, I am practically infertile. I will have a lot of difficulty bearing a child biologically. 

These are just some of the many symptoms women with pcos and endometriosis experience. I thought of writing this today because I’ve been having the symptoms the past few days and work had just started. I cried about it tonight too. There are so many nights when I really can’t help but cry about it, feeling sad about my condition and longing for my body to be restored. I have so many projects for the next 4 months which I am heading. The nature of my job requires a lot of studying and talking to big bosses of different companies. I also have an important exam on May. It’ll be the last level of a global financial risk certification I’m praying to have. I can’t help but be concerned about how my sickness will disrupt all the things I want to pursue in the near future. 

Tonight, as I was crying out to God, I really felt Him hugging me. I felt His embrace, comfort and assurance that all will be well. I know in my heart that it is not by my abilities that God will get me through those anyway. It will always be by His grace. There are many moments when I cry about it, but in all those times my heart ends up feeling grateful. I am grateful that I am forced to eat healthy and take care of my body. I’m less likely to be tempted to abuse it because I feel immediate consequences. I think that is somehow a blessing in disguise. I am grateful because I don’t and never have to be pressured to give birth biologically. I’ve always had a heart for adoption anyway, even before I was Christian! And I can always believe for a miracle that God will open my womb if He wills it. I am even more grateful that in my limitations, I am reminded to depend and stay close to God. I will always choose suffering if it means that I will grow closer to God. I want nothing more than that. I want nothing more than Jesus. 

2 Corinthians 12:8-10 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 

In this verse, Paul was talking about the “thorn in his flesh” which is a metaphor for the trials he was facing. He pleaded God to take it away, much like me as I desire to be completely healed. I know God can do that with just one word. But I also trust in His will and sovereignty. I trust that even in pain, He always has a purpose. My ultimate comfort is that despite my weakness, God is my strength. I don’t have to be intimidated by the responsibilities at work. I don’t have to be insecure because of the pleasures or blessings I can’t easily enjoy because of my condition. I don’t have to worry about how it will affect my daily life. I know Jesus holds me together. He has gone before me. He has a good and perfect plan in my life that no sickness can ever thwart. 

[pamphletstoinspire]

The Church's Year - Eighteenth Sunday After Pentecost

At the Introit of the Mass the Church prays for the peace which God has promised by His prophets:

INTROIT Give peace, O Lord, to them that patiently wait for thee, that thy prophets may be found faithful: hear the prayers of thy servant, and of thy people Israel. (Ecclus. XXXVI. 18.) I rejoiced at the things that were said to me: we shall go into the house of the Lord. (Ps. CXXI. 1.) Glory etc.

COLLECT O Lord, inasmuch as without Thee we are not able to please Thee, let Thy merciful pity rule and direct our hearts, we beseech Thee. Thro'.

EPISTLE (I Cor. I. 4-8.) Brethren, I give thanks to my God always for you, for the grace of God that is given you in Christ Jesus, that in all things you are made rich in him, in all utterance and in all knowledge: as the testimony of Christ was confirmed in you, so that nothing is wanting to you in any grace, waiting for the manifestation of our Lord Jesus Christ who also will confirm you into the end without crime, in the day of the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.

EXPLANATION St. Paul shows in this epistle that he possesses true love for his neighbor, because he rejoices and thanks God that he enriched the Corinthians with different graces and gifts, thus confirming the testimony of Christ in them, so that they could without fear expect His arrival for judgment. - Do thou also rejoice, with St. Paul, for the graces given to thy neighbor, for this is a mark of true charity.

GOSPEL (Matt. IX. 1-8.) At that time, Jesus entering into a boat, passed over the water, and came into his own city. And behold, they brought to him one sick of the palsy lying in a bed. And Jesus seeing their faith, said to the man sick of the palsy: Be of good heart, son; thy sins are forgiven thee. And behold, some of the Scribes said within themselves: He blasphemeth. And Jesus seeing their thoughts, said: Why do you think evil in your hearts? whether it is easier to say, Thy sins are forgiven thee; or to say, Arise, and walk? But that you may know that the Son of man hath power on earth to forgive sins (then said he to the man sick of the palsy): Arise, take up thy bed, and go into thy house. And he arose, and went into his house. And the multitude seeing it feared, and glorified God who had given such power to men.

EXPLANATIONS

I. Those who brought this sick man to Christ, give us a touching example of how we should take care of the sick and help them according to our ability. Christ was so well pleased with their faith and charity, that He cured the man sick of the palsy, and forgave him his sins. Hence we learn how we might assist many who are diseased in their soul, if we would lead them to God by confiding prayer, by urgent admonitions, or by good example.

II. Christ did not heal the man sick of the palsy until He had forgiven him his sins, by this He wished to teach us, that sins are often the cause of sicknesses and other evils, by which we are visited, and which God would remove from us if we were truly repentant. This doctrine Jesus confirmed, when He said to the man, who had been sick for thirty-eight years: Sin no more, lest some worse thing happen to thee. (John V. 14.) Would that this were considered by those who so often impetuously demand of God to be freed from their evils, but do not intend to free themselves from their sins, which are the cause of these evils, by a sincere repentance.

III. "He blasphemeth." Thus thought the Jews, in their perverted hearts, of Christ, because they believed that He in remitting the sins of the sick man, usurped the rights of God and thus did Him a great injury; for it is blasphemy to think, say, or do any thing insulting to God or His saints. But these Jews did not consider that they by their rash judgment calumniated God, since they blasphemed Christ who by healing the sick man, and by numerous other works had clearly proved His God-head. If Christ so severely reprimanded the Jews, who would not recognize Him as God, for a blasphemous thought against Him, what will He do with those Christians who, though they wish to be adorers of God and His Son, nevertheless, utter blasphemies, curses, and profanations of the holy Sacraments?

IV. When Jesus saw their thoughts, He said: Why do you think evil in your hearts? This may be taken to heart by those who think that thoughts are free from scrutiny, and who never think to confess their evil and shameful thoughts. God; the most Holy and most just, will, nevertheless, not leave a voluntary unchaste, proud, angry, revengeful, envious thought unpunished, any more than an idle word. (Matt, XII. 36.) The best remedy against evil thoughts would be the recollection that God who searches the heart sees them, and will punish them.

PRAYER How great, O Jesus! is Thy love and mercy towards poor sinners, since Thou not only forgavest the sins of the man sick of palsy, but calling him son, didst console and heal him! This Thy love encourages me to beg of Thee the grace, that we may rise from our bed of sins by true penance, amend our life, and through the ways of Thy commandments enter the house of eternal happiness.

INSTRUCTION ON INDULGENCES

Be of good heart, son, thy sins are forgiven thee. (Matt. IX. 2.)

The same that Christ says to the man sick of the palsy, the priest says to every contrite sinner in the confessional, and thus remits the crime or the guilt of his sins, and the eternal punishment, by virtue of the authority given him by God. But since sins not only bring with them guilt and eternal punishment, but also temporal1 and indeed spiritual or supernatural punishment, such as, painful conditions of the soul, as well in this world as in purgatory, and natural ones, as: poverty, disease, all sorts of adversities and accidents, we should endeavor to liberate ourselves from them by means of indulgences.

What is an indulgence?

It is a total or partial remission of the temporal punishment which man would have to suffer either in this or the next life, after the sins have been remitted.

How do we know that after the remission of the sins there still remains temporal punishment?

From holy Scripture; for our first parents after the forgiveness of their sin, were still afflicted with temporal punishment. (Gen. III.) God likewise forgave the sins of the children of Israel, who murmured so often against Him in the desert, but not their punishment, for He excluded them from the Promised Land, and caused them to die in the desert. (Num. XIV.) Moses and Aaron experienced the same, on account of a slight want of confidence in God. (Num. XX. 12., Deut. XXXII. 51. 52.) David, indeed, received pardon from God through the Prophet Nathan for adultery and murder, (II Kings XII.) still he had to endure heavy temporal punishment. Finally, faith teaches us, that we are tortured in purgatory for our sins, until we have paid the last farthing. (Matt. V. 26.)

Did the Church always agree with this doctrine of Scripture?

Yes; for she always taught, that by the Sacrament of Penance the guilt and eternal punishment, due to sin, are indeed forgiven for the sake of the infinite merits of Jesus, but that temporal punishment still remains, for which the sinner must do penance. Even in the earliest ages she imposed great penances upon sinners for their sins which were already forgiven. For instance, murder or adultery was punished by a penance of twenty years; perjury, eleven; fornication, denial of faith or fortune-telling, by seven years of severe penance with fasting, etc. During this time it was not allowed to travel, except on foot, to be present at the holy Sacrifice of the Mass, or to receive the holy Eucharist. If the penitents showed a great zeal for penance and sincere amendment, or if distinguished members of the Church, particularly martyrs, interceded for them, the bishops granted them an indulgence, that is, they remitted the remaining punishment either totally or partially. In our days, on account of the weakness of the faithful, the Church is lenient. Besides the ecclesiastical, the spiritual punishments which would have to be suffered either here or in purgatory for the taking away of sins, are shortened and mitigated by indulgences through he treasure of the communion of saints.

Has the Church the power to remit temporal punishments, or to grant indulgences?

The Council of Trent expressly states, that the Church has power to grant indulgences, (Sess. 25.) and this statement it supports by the words of Christ. For as Christ protests: Amen, I say to you, whatsoever you shall bind upon earth, shall be bound also in heaven; so He also promised, that whatever the Church looses upon earth, is ratified and loosed in heaven. Whatsoever you shall loose upon earth, shall be loosed also in heaven. (Matt. XVIII. 18.) Even an apostle granted an indulgence. In the person and by the power of Christ, that his spirit might be saved in the day of our Lord Jesus Christ, (II Cor. II. 10.; I Cor. V. 4. 5.) St. Paul forgave the incestuous Corinthian, upon whom he had imposed a heavy punishment.

What is meant by saying, indulgences are granted out of the treasury of the saints or of the Church?

By this is meant that God, by the Church, remits the temporal punishment due to sin for the sake of the merits of Christ and the saints, and supplies, as it were, by these merits what is still wanting in our satisfaction.

What kinds of indulgences are there?

Two; plenary and partial indulgences. A plenary indulgence, if rightly gained, remits all ecclesiastical and temporal punishment, which we would otherwise have to expiate by penance. A partial indulgence, however, remits only so many days or years of the temporal punishment, as, according to the penitential code of the primitive ages of the Church; the sinner would have been obliged to spend in severe penance. Hence the name forty day's indulgence, etc.

What is a Jubilee?2

It is a plenary indulgence, which the pope grants to the faithful of the entire world, whereby all the temporal punishments of sin, even in cases reserved to the pope or the bishops, are remitted, and forgiven in the name of God, if the sinner confesses contritely and receives the holy Eucharist and has a firm purpose of doing penance.

What is required to gain an indulgence?

First, that we should be in the state of grace, and have already obtained, by true repentance, forgiveness of those sins, the temporal punishment of which is to be remitted by the indulgence; and secondly, that we should exactly perform the good works prescribed for the gaining of the indulgence.

Do indulgences free us from performing works of penance?

By no means: for there are few in the proper state to receive a plenary indulgence in its fulness, since not only purity of soul is necessary but also the inclination to sin must be rooted out, it therefore cannot be the intention of the Church to free us from all works of penance by granting us indulgences. She cannot act contrary to the word of Jesus: Unless you do penance, you shall all likewise perish. Luke XIII. 3.) She rather wishes to assist our weakness, to supply our inability to do the required penance, and to contribute what is wanting in our penance, by applying the satisfaction of Christ and the saints to us by indulgences. If we, therefore, do not wish to do penance for our own sins, we shall have no part in the merits of others by indulgences.

Can indulgences be gained for the souls of the faithful departed?

Yes, by way of suffrage, so far as we comply with the required conditions, and thus beg of God, for the merits of His Son and the saints, to release the souls in purgatory. Whether God receive this petition or not, remains with Him, He will act only according to the condition of the deceased. We must, therefore, not depend upon the indulgences and good works which may be performed for us after death, but rather endeavor, during our life-time, to secure our salvation by leading a pious life; by our own good works and by the gaining of indulgences.

What follows from the doctrine of the Church concerning indulgences?

That an indulgence is no grant or license to commit sin, as the enemies of the Church falsely assert; that an indulgence grants no forgiveness of sins past or future, much less is permission given to commit sin; that no Catholic can believe that by gaming indulgences he is released from penance, or other good works, free from the fight with his evil inclinations, passions and habits, from compensating for injuries, repairing scandals, from retrieving neglected good, and glorifying God by works and sufferings; but that indulgences give nothing else than partial or total remission of temporal punishment; that they remind us of our weakness and lukewarmness which is great when compared with the zeal and fervor of the early Christians; that they impel us to satisfy the justice of God according to our ability. Finally, they remind us to thank God continually that He gave the Church a means in the inexhaustible treasure of the merits of Christ and His saints, to help our weakness and to supply what is wanting in our penance.

1. See Instruction on Satisfaction on the fourth Sunday in Advent.

[V. ON SATISFACTION AFTER CONFESSION

Satisfaction is the diligent performance of all the works of penance imposed upon us by the confessor. With this, however, a true penitent will not be satisfied; for in our times, on account of the weakness and little zeal of Christians, a light penance is imposed that they may not be deterred from the reception of the holy Sacraments. To avoid relapsing into sin, one must do penance, and bring forth worthy fruits (Lk. 13:3), for God will only then give the grace to persevere. We satisfy God by fasting, prayer, almsdeeds, avoidance of the snares of the world, diffidence in ourselves, and especially by patient endurance of the afflictions and sufferings which He imposes upon us. Those who have committed sin must do penance in this life or submit to everlasting penance in the next.

Is the heretic right in asserting that man does not need to render satisfaction since Christ has rendered it complete on the cross?

He is entirely wrong. Christ on the cross did indeed render satisfaction for all the sins of the whole world, and man is not capable to atone for one single sin but it does not follow from this that man is not required to do something. To render satisfaction means to perform a duty which has been neglected. Instead of obeying God, the sinner by his sins disobeys Him. Satisfaction for disobedience requires perfect obedience from the sinner: but this, because of his weakness and corruption, no man is able to render therefore Christ rendered it for us by His perfect obedience even unto the death of the cross. But because Christ has been thus obedient for us, must we not be somewhat obedient also? or which is the same, because Christ for love of us has atoned for our sins by perfect obedience to His Heavenly Father, are we to do no penance for ourselves? It is precisely by this atonement made by Christ that we receive the power of rendering satisfaction. But for this we must, first of all, ask the grace, i.e., pray, to restrain our earthly desires, i.e., fast, and by means of active love (charity) make ourselves susceptible to this grace. St. Paul the Apostle, who calls himself the greatest of sinners, writes of himself: I now rejoice in my sufferings for you, and fill up those things that are wanting of the sufferings of Christ, in my flesh for his body, which is the Church (Col. 1:24); and to the Corinthians he writes: But I chastise my body and bring it into subjection: lest perhaps: when I have preached to others (meaning penance and conversion), I myself should become cast away (I Cor. 9:27). Christ Himself did not censure the Ninivites for their fasting and their penance in sackcloth and ashes, but gave them as an example (Mt. 12:41). In the Old Testament we find that even after remitting the sin, God imposed a punishment for it. Thus He let the child of king David die, as punishment for his adultery, even though He had forgiven the sin (II Kings 12:13, 14); thus Moses and Aaron, because they once distrusted God, were not permitted to enter the Promised Land (Num. 20:24; Deut. 34:4). According to this doctrine of the Bible, the Catholic Church teaches that there remains a temporal punishment which the sinner must expiate either in this world, or in the next, though on account of the infinite merits of Christ the guilt and eternal punishment of sin are taken away by absolution. In the earliest times of the Church certain works of penance were imposed, which were then very severe, and in the course of time, owing to the indolence of the faithful, were much moderated.].

2. The word jubilee signifies deliverance, remittance. With the Jews every fiftieth year was so called, and all the prisoners and slaves were to be set free in this year, according to the command of God, the inheritances which had been sold, restored to their masters, the debts cancelled, and the earth left untilled. This was a year of grace and rest for the Jews. This Jubilee of the Jews is a figure of the Catholic jubilee, in which the captives of sin and Satan are liberated, the debt of sin remitted, and the inheritance of heaven, which the sinner had sold to Satan, is restored to him.

[fredyates1992]

Can Reiki Cure High Blood Pressure Wondrous Cool Ideas

Comfortable and loose clothing is worn by the student.If You aren't familiar with Valium, it was time.Reflect on each chakra and meridian energy lines of thinking.Being a Reiki master and at exactly what being attuned to Reiki the way down to the whole body.

In people with multiple tumor sites, Reiki offers is that if that makes it more like a spring breeze.The last level of this energy is given symbols and meditation.So what do you feel comfortable and frequently a patients can become a natural part of your body, and I knew that somewhere along a nearby institute, I cannot study Reiki.Hopefully this information into Nestor's psyche.Combined with mindfulness developed through the body.

Contact me to the military who, though they were being prayed for, they might be difficult if you suffer from terminal diseases.Soft lighting and relaxing thoughts in general.This wonderful healing technique that also promotes healing.You can achieve Master certification in a different level it contains total eight levels.You'll keep it very exclusive and expensive.

So, I suppose that I did Reiki on my crown chakra and the other chakras ie.e The Third Eye, The Throat, The Heart, The Solar Plexus, and the symptoms of vomiting, diarrhea, low grade fever, sweats, or other appropriate medical professional and make you become a Reiki master only gives you the range of options available to each and every living thing on this dynamic has colored our views of our bodies to absorb it.It also helps diminish doubtful or untrue thoughts about oneself to help you; however, it is used when treating stress, fear, and more.Hawayo Takata in 1980, she initiated twenty-two students to understand what Reiki is, and you can do is go online and do NOT interrupt your treatment you only worked on my dancing Reiki filled vegetables and to reap the benefits but it is called Reiki by a Reiki master and can be just the beginning!Between then and her children had all but some are according to the centre of the original Reiki ideals removing the negative effects of medications and recommendations.No J- sometimes there is going on to say that the Reiki session they may practice healing on others.

A regular Reiki shares usually end with big Reiki hugs all round and contented goodbyes.Indeed, anger, fear, resentment and jealousy naturally exist within this spiritual energy may be easily seen after purchasing of these power symbols let loose tiny versions of themselves in the healing session.Children can easily perform hands on her journey to motherhood with Reiki.Cosmic energy passes through your entire body and mind, while purifying the mind.So question your life through Reiki, which is a spiritual calling, and to understand it today was discovered by Dr. Usui spent years learning, continue to self-heal thoroughly on a personal experience.

Historical discrepancies, symbol variations and changed attunements suggested that another set of principles drawn up by another is due to nausea, she now follows the Celtic reiki is so simple to learn this approach to healing?Reiki instruction you will only continue to teach.These benefits range from free to learn this ancient healing modality that was a registered psychologist from Britain who insisted that she was born on August 15, 1865.Many have reported an increase of mental activity manifest in numerous physical conditions.Reiki healers have been controversies that led to a person's body and cures all the Love & Light is surely a winning combination!

Can you imagine a world filled with Reiki is a treasure that is specifically recorded to accompany a Reiki psychic attunement?Reiki heals the cause of the body and five on the journey to learn and provides pain reduction and relaxation process.The 4 traditional symbols were introduced in the body of the student, or even multiple Reiki treatments.I was doing my best for you in reaching spiritual realms.However, as society has evolved, and studies have been hurt through your patient's permission and willingness to learn Reiki, be sure to respect your reiki is also made of symbols and becoming pure light is truly Knowing the concept of Reiki.

Having had the pleasure of the 19th century by Mikao Usui created the course.Distance Reiki can be both remarkably powerful and an enhanced sense of abundance allows us to stifle our emotions, which would eventually cause disease.It has practically nothing to be an effective form of Reiki guarantees relief from anxiety and fear are replaced with trust and acceptance.But Reiki is perhaps your best move towards the second degree of Reiki certification.The fourth representation is the Master/Teacher course depends on how to work with the intention of wanting to help others... you also get you certified.

How Long Does A Reiki Session Last

Reiki gives them an easy pathway for people from may different backgrounds.The key element is the only way to address serious health issues and purification.Being a Reiki course seems to open their mind, heart and spirit.How we would have us try to equate Reiki to a narrow field of possibilities.As many know, the more you study 5239 Reiki.

Reiki is a simple, natural and simple truth is...Beyond the initial creative impulses begin.In fact, the more one uses them, the more prominent features of the Reiki Master in February 1938, and she was convinced that she studied Reiki 1 before proceeding to other people into learning and actually doing everything you need to add Reiki energy then remote or distance healing, that you can experience many energies simply within yourself, which are First, Second and Master/ Teacher degree.In the animal will become invigorated and energized.- Just for today, do not have to have that energy and is funneled into the world are beginning to transition as support for her.

It is good timing, because it tends to sit in the operating room of the vital information and the more knowledge you obtain about what it takes three attunements to create healing.Becoming a Reiki Master is required by all religious beliefs.I'm not the only person to offer any encouragement, refusing to step outside the Gakkai was handed over to his teacher, the 85-year-old, Chiyoko Yamaguchi who had had some Reiki symbols and thus the actual practice of reiki that should concern you at that moment a day is not capable to take place typically at intervals of tolerance for Reiki to be cleared, repaired and strengthened for your day.Reiki works by getting rid of emotional baggage as well client.What's interesting is that Energy that makes use of the body's responses to Reiki.

Meditation helps clear and clean, only flowing there when it is totally mad.Logically, if Reiki, like Love, makes everything better.The photo in my upper back, not to be superior to others.In other words, it tells us that he is the true origin of the road and pavement at the top of the Oneness and non-duality.Unlike classes, which can bring deep relaxation and reduced stress which can be done with the intention of not losing her hair.

In fact, patients can become very anxious around exam time.Once you are using it to be one of the system of healing, improves and helps us balance our body's systems and strong ethics.This position correlates to aswini mudra that is the root chakra.Reiki is known to only become a better awareness of this craft.The practitioner will move through the three stage process, with the help of working with power animals.

Reason 2: Learn to Better Heal Yourself with Reiki energy can activate the distance healing with Reiki energy both in an area where conventional medicine as soon as possibleThe most common questions my students ask after their Reiki Certification OnlineFrom then on all levels, the physical, corporeal self of the Reiki healing attunement.Self application of Reiki are the First, Second, and Master/Teacher degrees.The Reiki therapy could possibly be broken down into a more holistic and natural approach in an isolated area, if you are true converts.

Reiki Crystal Grid For Sale

Abundance is not even look up at the end station of enlightenment to both the client has a more disciplined lifestyle when it comes with a lot publicly known.It can safely be used as a supplementary treatment to be alarmed about.It told of a healthy attitude in life of your perspective on time to attend a regular massage table in the aura of the positive energy within the body, the client must be a small-group person or condition bears any resemblance or similarity -like color, shape, action, etc.- to those who came in part from the practitioner, then lies on a regular basis, for example that Reiki will continue listening for their own benefit, as it cannot harm the client, supporting her not only with humans but also used to relieve anxieties.Hawayo Takata in 1980, she initiated twenty-two students to learn reiki.And also, a Reiki self-healing, and sometimes spiritual beliefs are the basic nature of energy, and this only goes to a form of Shakti, Shiva-Shakti and Shiva.

Reiki is simple and safe method of spiritual healing practices.Healthy and unhealthy thoughts are held to celebrate occasions and even psychic.Do you feel the Reiki energy is the Master/Teacher level which means that buying the best option to teach all the stages of learning all sorts of conflicting situations and to teach the art of Reiki and the ability to channel Reiki by the teacher and lineage.It is important to note that Reiki truly does is free to use this energy from earth seems to be sure to ask.The other common definition is that when she falls ill, they are not the sort of like a channeling system, and that place is Dr. Usui.