faithdvalle

[faithdvalle]

Ang dami pang kailangan gawin

Writing such a deep revelation and something personal tonight.

The worst part about my job is seeing the emptiness of the corporate world. Or maybe, worst isn’t the proper term. Perhaps this is simply the reflection of the reality of how dry the world can be without grace, without Christ.

I see how much leaders in my department would put a premium on work and output at the expense of the physical, emotional and mental well-being of their people. I see how much staff try to please me in order to convince me that they are “good enough”. I see how clients can fear me especially when I report to head offices and CEOs, giving them an idea how their employees have been performing. I have been explicitly told by a client with an honest tone that they do get scared of “us” – referring to the team led by me, with the authority we have to escalate issues to the highest people in their office.

Seeing all this dryness breaks my heart. Seeing that so many people derive their worth from accolades and work makes me cry thinking that Jesus died and loved this people…not for this….not for this. Seeing leaders exercise neglect at taking care of people at the expense of excellence and success makes me realize again, and again and again that the pursuit to vain achievement was never the cause of Christ. It was never what I was made for. It was never what they were made for. They are loved completely, wholly, unconditionally. Their identity is complete in Christ, and it is never because of work that their worth can ever be taken away from them, or even added to.

I love my job, but never for the same reasons the world loves work. The compliments and praises I receive leave my ears the moment I hear it. If it doesn’t, I always pray it does. I’ve learned how to value the criticism, if it makes me better and serve others better. I started to stop being stressed and burnt-out because I know that it is God who completes the work in me anyway. I can respect and submit to the authority around me because I know it is God who placed them around me, and in his sovereignty, there is always love. 

I’ve come to such a deep understanding ( and I know God will give me more), that I am put in this position to serve. That somehow, in my position, as their leader, employee and friend, they will encounter Jesus and God’s grace through me. I am his lowly servant, nothing more or less than that. And in that purpose I find joy, not because of the achievements that have been earned or will be earned but because of the real treasure that no earthly success can ever top - Jesus. I just want to be able to share Jesus to others. 

I love my job because God has shown me the bigger picture. And it is not about me getting a masters degree, being entrusted with the biggest projects at work and getting accolades of financial certifications to my name. When you meet Jesus, nothing will be more beautiful than Him. When I look at Jesus and think about how much of Himself he has given me, I feel so fulfilled. When you have Christ, the world can’t take anything away from you or add anything to your life to make it anymore complete.

My work does not inform my identity, but my identity as God’s daughter informs why I work, why I serve, why I want to keep on learning. And in the entire process, God gives me grace, joy and peace even if the whole world tells me I can’t have that.

I really pray that someday more leaders who love Jesus will be put in positions of power. I pray Christians will continue to fall in love with Jesus more and have that passion and burden in their heart to be excellent, solely for His kingdom. I pray that God continually humbles me and reminds me why I’m doing what I’m doing. That despite the praises and the success, I keep grounded to my true purpose. Nothing will be more beautiful than Jesus anyway. 

I remember what my best friend told me before she passed “Ang dami pang kailangan gawin”. You’re right Gia, ang dami pang kailangan gawin.  

[faithdvalle]

Grace in sickness

I was diagnosed with PCOS and endometriosis in 2017. These are chronic illnesses of my reproductive system that causes abnormalities in my body which I’d rather not describe in detail. While it’s not deadly, it does cause me to experience symptoms that have really affected my daily life. Especially since I hit my 20s and now, I just recently turned 25, my body has been more sensitive to these. 

The worst symptom that affects me is the chronic fatigue that comes with it. There will be days where I will have a hard time breathing and difficulty moving. I would want to be productive or spend time with loved ones but severe headaches will disrupt my activities. It can last for hours to days. Chronic fatigue used to come only when I was my period but recently, as I was nearing my mid 20s, it came often even on days when I would not expect it. I absolutely hated those days when I wanted to learn or work but I can’t. I also hate telling people about my sickness when I have to give them the real reason why I can’t make it to work or to a hang-out. 

I also wish I can eat like other people. My body is intolerant to many kinds of food such as sweets, fried food and even milk. Unlike others who can eat these kinds of food without experiencing any physical repercussions, for me, consuming these in substantial amounts means that I risk my symptoms getting triggered. Last week, I ate cake, frankies and milk for two straight days to treat myself during the holidays. Because of that, my chronic fatigue lasted for 4 days.

I also have painful menstrual cramps. They would be as painful as a mother in childbirth. The pain is traumatizing. I’ve been sent to the emergency room several times since the only cure is injection of strong painkillers. I’ve also already fainted while enrolling in my university (UPD). I’m glad that I haven’t experienced this in a year now and I’m in faith it won’t happen again. On top of that, I am practically infertile. I will have a lot of difficulty bearing a child biologically. 

These are just some of the many symptoms women with pcos and endometriosis experience. I thought of writing this today because I’ve been having the symptoms the past few days and work had just started. I cried about it tonight too. There are so many nights when I really can’t help but cry about it, feeling sad about my condition and longing for my body to be restored. I have so many projects for the next 4 months which I am heading. The nature of my job requires a lot of studying and talking to big bosses of different companies. I also have an important exam on May. It’ll be the last level of a global financial risk certification I’m praying to have. I can’t help but be concerned about how my sickness will disrupt all the things I want to pursue in the near future. 

Tonight, as I was crying out to God, I really felt Him hugging me. I felt His embrace, comfort and assurance that all will be well. I know in my heart that it is not by my abilities that God will get me through those anyway. It will always be by His grace. There are many moments when I cry about it, but in all those times my heart ends up feeling grateful. I am grateful that I am forced to eat healthy and take care of my body. I’m less likely to be tempted to abuse it because I feel immediate consequences. I think that is somehow a blessing in disguise. I am grateful because I don’t and never have to be pressured to give birth biologically. I’ve always had a heart for adoption anyway, even before I was Christian! And I can always believe for a miracle that God will open my womb if He wills it. I am even more grateful that in my limitations, I am reminded to depend and stay close to God. I will always choose suffering if it means that I will grow closer to God. I want nothing more than that. I want nothing more than Jesus. 

2 Corinthians 12:8-10 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 

In this verse, Paul was talking about the “thorn in his flesh” which is a metaphor for the trials he was facing. He pleaded God to take it away, much like me as I desire to be completely healed. I know God can do that with just one word. But I also trust in His will and sovereignty. I trust that even in pain, He always has a purpose. My ultimate comfort is that despite my weakness, God is my strength. I don’t have to be intimidated by the responsibilities at work. I don’t have to be insecure because of the pleasures or blessings I can’t easily enjoy because of my condition. I don’t have to worry about how it will affect my daily life. I know Jesus holds me together. He has gone before me. He has a good and perfect plan in my life that no sickness can ever thwart. 

[faithdvalle]

A prophetic beach trip: into the deep waters

For the last month of 2020, I had a beach trip with one of my closest friends in Zambales. She invited me the day before our departure for a 3-day trip. I was to miss work for two days and inform my bosses of my leave on such short notice. 

I dislike rushed trips. I plan everything in my life down to the smallest details. I didn’t think I would enjoy it so I was inclined to say no. However, I really felt in my heart and spirit that God wanted me to take this trip. I took my chances, told my bosses, got tested for covid, and packed my bags. Perhaps, He wanted me to pause and rest. I haven’t taken even one day of vacation leave for the whole year. I told myself that I deserved that trip anyway after working hard for the rest of the year and I decided to go. 

This trip became so much more than just resting and spending time with one of my sisters. 

I had three firsts during that trip. It was the first time I ever had a spontaneous trip that lasted for more than just a day. It was also the first time I swam with the waves. I’ve been to the beach many times but I always preferred to stay on the shore or within the shallows. I never went into the water especially when it isn’t calm. The beach we went to had pretty strong waves for a beginner like me. Lastly, it was my first time to walk in the dark with just one friend with me. We wanted to stay close to the waters at 11 pm, have a mat laid down and go star-gazing. I told her I didn’t want to join because it was pitch dark I was fine watching the stars from our area near the resort but she insisted that the view would be better if we go farther. Honestly, I wouldn’t have done these things without her urging me. In fact, she practically dragged me to go star-gazing HAHA. I told myself that I loved her enough to do it so I forced myself as well even if I really didn’t want to. 

And you know what? After countless hesitations of whether or not I should even try asking my workmates, they understood and encouraged me to rest and go on that trip. After being settled with staying on the shore, as soon as I decided to go farther in the ocean, I never wanted to leave because I enjoyed jumping and swimming with the waves so much. I was able to see countless stars and even a shooting star after walking into darkness with practically no one around us. And to think I already convinced myself staying near was already enough for me. I had to play worship songs as I gazed at the beauty of the night sky, knowing in my heart that it was my Father who laid out the universe with His hands. It was so beautiful!!! 

I thought that I was already settled with staying where I was because I was satisfied. In that trip, I realized that comfort and familiarity can be disguised as contentment. And it will stop us from entering into a more exciting journey with Jesus. While contentment is a gift from God, it should never be used as an excuse to stay where we are when He is clearly asking us to go somewhere else or to step out in faith. I also realized that fear often holds me back. I’m a very calculated person and I’m usually scared of trying things until I’m sure I can handle it. I would often convince myself that I can stay where I am and will be happy in doing so. “Okay na ako dito”. “Hanggang dito na lang”. “Masaya naman ako”. But now I realize that I miss God-moments because of this. If my friend didn’t force me and I didn’t allow myself to be convinced, I would never have witnessed such beautiful stars and enjoyed the ocean. Now, I feel like I’m ready for more fun adventures! This is such a feat coming from someone like me! 

I also realized that we need true friends who will force and even drag us to doing things and changing our mindsets that we wouldn’t have done just because it was too intimidating or seemed to hard for us to do. I am so grateful for her, for driving long-hours to get to Zambales and reminding me of God’s mindfulness through this trip. 

This trip became a revelation of what my 2021 will look like. I’m tired of holding onto my privilege and staying in the shallows. I want to witness more miracles unfold and more moments and breakthroughs where I can say in the truest way “Only God could have taken me here”. In my career, relationships, and faith, I no longer want to hold back because I’m happy where I am. I want to trust God completely even if it means doing things that I’ve never done before because I thought I wasn’t capable or am not good enough. I have learned in the truest way this year that everything I am, none of that comes from me, everything is but by the grace and love of my Abba. I want to leave the shore, and step into the deep waters, relying only on Jesus and no one else. I want to do things I have never done before, the kind only God can get me through. 

The beginning of 2021 is perfect because I have difficult projects in line that I will lead and have never handled before and applications for my masters and scholarships to pursue. I originally didn’t plan to apply for scholarships because I was again, settled that my family would finance me. But now I don’t even want a single cent to come from my parents. I want everything to be from God’s provision alone (not saying that they can’t be instruments of His provision but you get it and if not, long story haha). I also plan to apply in prestigious universities, my goal being Cambridge, NUS, or London School of Economics. I’m also believing God for a partner. My faith declaration here is that whether or not I am called to singleness or marriage, as long as I have God I’m ready for both. But I am in faith for him anyway, and what God will do in and through us. I think I am ready for a relationship??? I guess it doesn’t matter, as long as God calls me to it. 

I am so excited for 2021! In fact, this is the first year I am genuinely excited about. My spirit tells me new things will be birthed in my 2021 and I cannot wait to do things I’ve never done before and trust Jesus fully the next 365 days! 

[faithdvalle]

These days I often find myself crying tears of joy suddenly when I'm working, eating or just doing the daily chores I have. There are so many moments when God just speaks to me so clearly, reminding me that He loves me and that He is very near. We hear those truths all the time but when you really know with your entire heart, mind and soul how extravagant God's love is, you'll never want to live away from it. Even when you're just in the middle of the mundane affairs of life, you can't help but ponder on God. The same God who created the universe is the same Father who calls me His very own daughter. 

Sometimes all we really need to hear is that He is a good Father, and we are loved by Him. That is who we are. That is who I am! Oh what love! I love being His child. I want nothing more and nothing less than to live in that truth every single day. 

I think what makes me appreciate this truth more is that I've lived most of my life looking for love apart from Christ. I know what its like to have the gifts the world has to offer. I know it can make you feel fulfilled, happy and satisfied. But I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good and there is such a clear and striking difference with what God can give us. I can say with absolute certainty that NOTHING is better than Jesus. 

I often find myself overwhelmed by how unreal the joy, peace and hope that comes from Jesus. I would be amazed at the kind of lives His followers lived. Before, I was often surrounded with kids who are privileged. I think I have unknowingly associated having a "good life" with having “more than enough” in life. But having spiritual family from all walks of life made me realize that life is WAY SO MUCH MORE than just being able to afford the conventional pleasures of the world. Genuinely sharing life with the friends I have now made me realize, in the most profound way, that in Jesus Christ are the real riches of life. Because of Him, we are complete, perfect and lacking in nothing. I am even more amazed by how followers of Jesus love others out of a genuine heart to serve from the overflow that they have received from God. I cannot believe I get to call these people my best  friends, sisters and confidantes. To rejoice, suffer and share life with them are one of the best things I received when I became a follower of Jesus. Now, I can honestly say I have found my soulmates in friendships. Shoutout to Gia, Geo, Anica, Jam, Paula, Rach, Jas, Andi, Marga, Myla, Jem, Jerica, Chelsea, Pauline, Ate Dar, Ate Jam, Ate Kar, Ate Kat, Ate Sonj, Tita Malou, Big, Alex, Madz +++. I love that when I found Jesus, I found a life so rich with relationships - the kind that inspires you to become the best version of who God wants you to be, yet at the same time loves you just as you are the way Jesus did. 

I used to always look forward to the mountaintop, the time when all my dreams of having a family, graduating from Oxford, being a successful careerwoman, giving back to my family etc would come true. But I have come to realize that though I can look forward to those blessings, I already have everything in Christ. I am in my Promised Land, right at this moment as I'm on my bed preparing for the work week to come, because Jesus is with me. So, even if I am still in the season of waiting....or what I would call it now, "the plains of life" - in the middle of mundane affairs like working, my joy is complete because all that matters is that I have God. That is more than enough. Spending time with God and being aware of His presence overwhelms me with contentment and joy. I am right where God wants me to be, in His presence, His will and His love. And one day, soon, I'll see Him face to face and I'll be Home with my Abba for eternity. 

For the past four years of being a Christian, I often find myself thinking, can I get any happier than this??? My Father keeps on showing me, in ways I never expected, that He can truly exceed the healing, joy and peace I have in my heart. He is really the God of the immeasurably more and it is just so amazing I get to live this life as His daughter, nothing more and nothing less than that. Jesus really is the greatest Promise in this life. 

[faithdvalle]

Quarantine lyf so far

It has been almost two months since Manila was called to be under lockdown because of the pandemic. Even the rest of the world is on lockdown. I have close family and friends from the States, Europe, and different parts of Asia and while we usually don't get to schedule video calls, that has been easy to do now because we're all just at home! 

I've seen so many posts talking about how surreal and shocking this whole situation is. I've been reflecting too about how this pandemic made or makes me feel, having my parents and youngest sister in a different nation and different continent, respectively. 

At first, I thought about my 2019 and how I was constantly inside the hospital, juggling that with work and well...just work because other parts of my life really paused when Gia got sick. It was physically exhausting but that was the least of my worries because going in and out of that hospital was spiritually and emotionally taxing, hearing bad news all the time and wondering if things will ever get better. I had no assurance whatsoever because even the doctors coudn't give us a clear picture of what was going to happen to Gia. And yet, despite such an ugly situation, I had so much hope in my heart. Gia had so much hope in her heart and in that room, we would pray together and listen to worship songs, fully content knowing that God was with us. For us, that was all we really needed. 

So when this pandemic started, a lot of people were scared and worried about the looming uncertainty caused by a disease that spread so quickly and had already killed millions worldwide. Schools had to stop. A lot of people got laid off from their jobs. Work had to be done remotely. No one could go outside without face masks or being at least 1 meter away from their neighbor. I know I won't be able to paint the real extents of the horror that people, especially the poor are facing now. But personally for me, it felt like being in the hospital room again except on a much larger scale. 

I felt that with all the bad news happening in the medical field, government, and around different communities, my faith was prepared for such a time as this. Just like 2019, despite the obvious chaos and tangible problems in front of us, I knew God was still on his throne. He's in control. He loves us. He's doing something great. We just have to trust Him. And those statements are so cliche and have been so overused but honestly, those seemingly "simple" truths are all the comfort I needed in 2019 and all the comfort that washes away all my worries and frustrations now. 

When I went through a season of depression and when Gia passed away, it would have been a tragedy without God's grace sustaining, weaving and holding my life together. And the truth that He was doing something beyond myself that will eventually unfold gave me the heart to worship even in the waiting and pain. Faith had always been the substance of things unseen and so I know my hope is never limited to only what the rest of the world can see. I can fix my eyes on Jesus and that is more than enough. To see HIm amidst the storm, is more than enough. There were moments that the suffering would get so overwhelming to the point that I would really feel hopeless, but because I knew that God's strength was made perfect in my weakness, I was able to fully embrace my broken heart, knowing that even my shame and brokenness will never take my identity away as His daughter. Literally seeing Gia die was a horrible sight, but though I found myself staring at a lifeless body that night of February 15, I know she was more alive than ever, reunited with her Savior. 

This world is not our home, anyway. We were called for a better life, an endless hope and unconditional love that I only found in Jesus. There is nothing like this. At least for me, in my searching for pursuits other than Jesus, I have found nothing like Him.

I miss my family, terribly. We had tickets booked to Europe for August, so we can reunite there. My family can't join me the first time I went there because of time constraints but finally, this 2020, our schedules met and we were looking forward to this grand reunion. But now, I know that it will likely be postponed. Even worse, I don't even know when I'm seeing my parents or youngest sister again. However, the truthis, I'm not frustrated about this. I know God will make this happen in HIs perfect time and while I thought that the Europe trip this year could have been an amazing way to spend time together, He will make our next reunion even better than what I have planned. 

My heart breaks for what's happening in my country. The poor are so disadvantaged in this situation. There is so much injustice and corruption. My country has not done anything drastic or concrete against the virus. It's so easy to feel hopeless, but I know that God is the highest authority and He will make all things work together for good. 

I had more plans that had to stop like Gia's foundation for lupus/auto-immune patients that we already started to build few weeks before the lockdown happened. I have a global financial exam this November that I'm still praying would push through. I thought that this would be the year where I would finally execute my ideas in ministry/kingdom-building but that would require face to face interaction.

But now I find myself having to stay at home 24/7, only going out to buy necessities. But besides the ones I already mentioned there are three things I am learning in a much deeper way this season. 

1. God can use you where you are. There are many ways to help those in need even on lockdown, we just need to surrender and ask God and He will direct us to take the next step. 2. Nothing can stop the church. The bible and history have proven time and time again that any resistance to the true church will only allow the kingdom and the Word to grow more and more across the world. I cannot wait for the revival that this pandemic will bring. 3. There is nothing like being able to access our secret places with God. The pandemic has given me more time to pray, read the Bible and have dates with God. I really believe that quality time with God is the first step to a changed life and this pandemic has really allowed me to have that more than any period of my life. I also get to insert reading the bible and praying in the "in-betweens" of my day. It was harder in the office because you're surrounded with so many people. But now, I can just pause and go inside my room to talk to God when I have my 5 or 10 minute breaks from work. 

I've had so many more revelations, the kind only God can give during this season. I feel like my faith has increased and on top of that, I have more hunger for God. I know that I love Jesus even more, that I am truly nothing apart from Him. 

God is working in this mess. I know that for sure because I've seen Him do that in my life which was a WRECK before I came to Christ. If God is for us, if our Father will never leave us nor forsake us, and if the King of the heavens and the earth is still on His throne, there is nothing, not even a pandemic, that can take away the victory and hope that we have in Jesus. 

On a less serious note, I'm glad that this quarantine has allowed me to work-out more, cook and change my diet. I've been eating mostly vegetables and fish. I also love that I'm more productive at work these days. Work is so so busy but that's fine because I enjoy what I do! I've also watched two TV series the past two months which NEVER HAPPENS on a regular basis. I barely watch television on my own. I wonder when this ECQ will end, or actually I wonder more when we'll all finally be able to go back to church, enter restaurants without having to be one meter away from each other or spend time like before. I am really looking forward to that, but at the same time, I don't want to miss what God is doing even in such an "abnormal" situation. I pray God will give us the hearts to be content and joyful, wherever He has placed us.

P.S. Really hopeful and praying I will reunited with my family wherever that may be this year. (Hopefully, in Austria) 

[faithdvalle]

I rarely allow myself to watch series and especially K-dramas. I watched What’s Wrong with Secretary Kim because I had relatively a lot of extra time. This was also the first RomCom series I’ve watched since 2017!!! 

And I did not expect how accurately this show would depict all my preferences in a guy from his career choice, to his good and bad character traits, fashion sense, romantic gestures, and eloquence. lol 

[faithdvalle]

It has been a year and two months since my bestfriend, Gia, passed away. While I don’t talk to anyone or express (though I am usually a very expressive person) how much I miss her, no words can describe how much I do. 

I still think about her all the time. Because of this quarantine, I often find myself looking back at photos I saved, almost all of which had Gia in them. Not a surprise because I have spent so many mundane and significant life events with her.

I would be sad,disappointed or scared about something, and wish that I can talk to her about it. I would look forward and ponder on God’s promises, and realize that she will no longer be physically by my side when God’s dreams in my life come true. I would have a revelation from God or just a simple thought and would want to share it with her. 

I miss Gia. 

She is the best listener. She can listen to me for hours and hours. I am most transparent with Gia. She is also the only person who knows every single detail of my life. She knows all my dreams, heart’s desires, calling. She can name all my crushes and all the guys I dated (haha). She witnessed/knows all my regrets and life milestones. She witnessed me make bad decisions and God turn those mistakes around. She helped me turn to Jesus too. I mean, we’ve been bestfriends since 1st year high school and that is a really, really long time. I would often think about our relationship and still get surprised at how much Gia knows about my life. 

I cannot even begin to talk about how kind she is. Gia is so compassionate in all of her ways. I have witnessed how she would have all the reasons to be mad and frustrated but she would never act on her emotions. She would always resolve her bitterness by asking herself “How does God want me to love this person?”

She was always so thoughtful with her friends. She would cry sad tears when my heart is in chaos. She would cry happy tears when I would feel comforted by a revelation or Word from God. She was the type who could build quality relationships with many different kinds of people. She drew people to her because she just naturally overflowed with so much love and joy! 

She is conventionally simple too. I love this about her though I am not like this. She would be fine going out with a simple t-shirt/jacket/cardigan paired up with pants and comfortable shoes. She never wore make-up. We are opposites in this aspect. I love to dress up and shop, something Gia helped me control because I would excessively buy clothes I don’t even need. There was one time we were to meet up in SM Aura, and on the way I had to pass by MAC. I bought make-up and tried to hide it from her HAHA. When she saw it, she immediately said “Faith! nag-shopping ka na naman”. I told her “I need this, I ran out of primer na!”. “Really, will you die if you don’t have it?” haha. I love Gia. Still though, I love this personality difference between the both of us. 

Which brings me to how honest she is with me. She is honest with the character flaws I have to overcome. She is honest with the fears I have to face. She is honest with me when it comes to decisions I have to make so she can make sure I honor Jesus. 

If there is any regret I have with our friendship, it was when we stopped spending as much time together back in 2013 until 2014. I started being in a serious relationship and well, I started (not intentionally) being drawn away from church, in general. It was also Gia who got me out of that relationship. haha! And to cut the long story short, I’ve been serious with Jesus since 2016 because of my bestfriend who made sure to be salt and light with me. Gia never gave up on me. She went through that entire, painful healing process. And true enough, God makes all things new. Not only was I healed, but our friendship grew even stronger and we started sharing life with Jesus truly at the center of our friendship. 

We would have the simplest dates. When we were students, we would just spend it anywhere in UP, usually at the AS steps or her college. When we started working, our first date was in the Market!Market! Foodcourt. We would often just choose to be in the Every Nation lobby (our church building, where she worked full time). Regardless where we are, we would talk and talk for hours - about our life happenings even the most mundane ones, our dreams and Jesus. Oh we would talk about God-revelations for hours!!!! 

I think that is what I miss most about her. I miss getting to share our relationship with Jesus together. I miss talking about Jesus for hours. I miss worshiping beside her, something we did so often before she passed away because we started going to Sunday church consistently together. I miss getting to share our God-given dreams and celebrating breakthroughs together. I miss being her sister in Christ. I mean, I know that never changed. We are still sisters in Christ, just in different places. She is home, and well I am not yet done passing by earth. And there are still times when this hurts, when I would desire that she is right here on earth and I have to face the fact that I cannot change that.

I just really wanted to write this to express how much I miss Gia. Our friendship was so rich that whenever I want advice, I know exactly what she would tell me even if she is not here anymore. I would think about the kind of relationship we had and realize that only God could have orchestrated something as rare and powerful as our friendship. 

I miss you Gia, I am happy that you are home <3 

[faithdvalle]

2019 Pt.1 [Yay I was able to write again!]

2019

Oh what a ride this year has been.

Entering 2019 surrounded with the most beautiful mountains I have seen in my entire life, I thought that, that would be what my year would be marked with – answered prayers, moved mountains and breakthrough after breakthrough. Instead, I went home from Hawaii during the first week of January with my bestfriend, Gia extremely sick with lupus. A month passed and on February 15, after weeks of fighting in the hospital, she went home to the Lord.

To say that her death was heartbreaking is an understatement. Day in and day out in that hospital fighting with my best friend, absolutely sure that she will be healed on earth and to have the exact things we dreaded happen instead left me physically exhausted, emotionally discouraged and spiritually broken.

Will God ever come through for me? Will the visions and dreams I believed I have written with my Papa in heaven ever be real?

Instead of a mountain-moving faith, my days were marked with waves of those doubts coming and going as I continued on with the daily activities in my life.

At this point, I had a new job, new home and new responsibilities in ministry. So many things changed and going through those transitions with a weakened faith left me wanting to hold onto other foundations instead of the Jesus I was used to.

Our hearts are designed to be devoted to something and it will naturally look for pillars and foundations as soon as our current ones have failed us. I felt that my Abba has failed me.

But as powerful as my wounds were, His unconditional love met me every single time.

God just kept on showing up.

Through my spiritual family who never stopped loving me – the kind of love that reminded me of Jesus.

Through my own family – my mom and dad – who have blessed me with the BEST LIFE and definitely NOT because of the luxury they allow me to experience, but because despite all the heartbreaks they went through because of my poor life choices, they still pursued me with love and grace. They never pressured me to change or to be the “daughter they dreamed of” but loved me just as I am, the way my Father in heaven did.

Through His word – the beauty and power of which I simply cannot deny. That though the doubt in my heart was very strong, the evidence of His grace was even more powerful piercing through my unanswered questions. Grace met me where logic ended. It simply does not make sense that a loving Father would die for my sins so I can have the guarantee of paradise for eternity solely be His grace.

Lastly, how can I ever deny Jesus when He has given me such a rare friendship I had in Gia? It was real, honest, and unconditional. So many people praised me for the love I’ve shown to Gia to my surprise. Even more importantly, our faith as bestfriends gave them the desire to have the same faith as well! I was only doing what a sister should be doing. In my perspective, there was NOTHING GREAT about what I did. But I guess, when Jesus moves through you, He will always make your deeds stand out no matter how ordinary your accomplishments are to bring Him glory. More importantly, the love I showed Gia naturally flowed from the love we both experienced from Jesus. That love from the Source will always leave people in awe and wonder.

In my faithlessness, God showed up. But in this process, I also had to seek, respond and receive. I had to fight even when I felt like losing. I had to hold on even when I felt like letting go. I had to stay even when I felt like leaving.

God ALWAYS shows up BUT will we show up too? Relationships are never real if they are one sided and most of the time, it is only our Father in heaven who pursues us and we let our hearts be ignorant of that love. Which I understand completely, it is just so much more convenient to neglect His love especially when we live such good lives!

God loves you. Despite the unanswered prayers, suffering and disappointments, He still loves you. Nothing can ever change that, not even your worst sins. There is nothing that can separate us from His love.

 Romans 8:38-39

 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

His love is sure but our intimacy with God is always a choice.

There is no love like this. I have seen and searched the world and I have found no answer to the darkness except the unconditional love of Jesus.

I have suffered much this 2019 but it was His comfort and grace that got me through that.

More than anything, I know my bestfriend lived a full life because of Jesus. Is she dead? I beg to disagree. She is more alive than ever. She is home with our Jesus. And that is a gift, no blessing here on earth can ever top.

Come to think of it, this year was a year of breakthrough. Because no other year has this simple truth ever been more real to me – that Jesus is the only one I want to live for; Heaven in my Abba’s presence is the ultimate promise I am looking forward to; and His love is exceedingly, abundantly, and immeasurably more than enough.

[faithdvalle]

“The Lord has given you a land to possess and has great promises ahead of you”.

As I was taking notes and writing these down during the preaching in church, there was unease in my heart as I heard “possess” and “promises”. A wave of doubt made me realize that it has been awhile since I genuinely believed that God will pull through in my life. Ever since the events that transpired since December – my best friend getting severely sick and eventually passing, I have struggled with a shaken faith. I immediately got my pink pen and wrote beside that statement “God show me what this means in my life again”

The preacher pondered with the crowd how many trials she, herself faced as a mother, wife and daughter. There were many times when circumstances proved too hard that only trusting God was left to her disposal. When she was starting a family, she had no idea how to navigate her way to raising her children, building a church and handling her own personal issues. She lingered on those for a while until she concluded with “You know what I realized? I was able to do it because I had spiritual family”

Tears began flowing down my face at that moment because I was beside Ate Jam. I recalled when I was just starting off as real follower of Jesus, she was one of my first friends, introduced to me so I can be part of her Victory group. What started out as awkward small talk during our first meeting, blossomed into genuine sisterhood. Our relationship has been marked with honesty, accountability and unconditional love centered on Christ. On December, I will walk along with her on her wedding day, as her bridesmaid. God manifested His love again to me minutes after I asked, comforting the unbelief I felt. I looked around me and I was surrounded with so many people I have called family. Though I have known them only for the past two years, we love each other as if we’ve lived our entire lives together.

I realized too that I was able to overcome the death of my bestfriend and two years of my life after graduation marked with disappointments and unanswered prayers, because I had faith-filled individuals covering my life in prayer, encouraging me through His word and loving me the way Jesus loves me. What a blessing it is to have sisters and brothers in Christ have such authentic and loving relationships with! These are the kinds of relationships that would bring me to tears often because I know it is only by His grace I could have the opportunity to share life with them.

The next day, after going to Sunday church, I went to my home in Katipunan to get a book called “The Circle Maker”. It was about the power of fervent and persistent prayer in our daily lives. I just felt that spiritual hunger in my heart, and I knew the best way is to just stay connected and close to God through conversation with Him. I thought that I needed a book about prayer to revive this aspect of my spiritual life. That same day, I was led to read the New testament again beginning with the book of Joshua. Surprisingly enough, the beginning of the Circle maker and the book of Joshua talked about how the Israelites broke down the wall of Jericho.

The Lord commanded them to bring their horns and rams for seven days and that wall will collapse. This was important to the Israelites because this will mean that they are closer to the promised land. After being enslaved for years and years in Egypt, they were finally to have their own home as God’s people. The promised land was God’s redemption to them as His children.

But before that, how stupid must they have looked circling around a wall, blowing their horns and rams? Why didn’t God just ask them to break down the walls with their weapons? That would have been easier and much more sensical. But the message of this command was clear. The Israelites were asked to trust God to win the battle for them. They weren’t to break it down with their own physical strength and brute force, they had to obey and wait until He broke it down for them Himself. It was a clear reminder that it was not through their strength that they were to claim their promised land but through His grace. True enough, on the seventh day the walls broke down and they claimed their home.

The story reminded me of my own Jerichos that I’ve been waiting to fall. Wounds I want to heal. Promises I want to claim for myself and for the people around me. Oh how quickly I have given up and stopped circling the promises God had for me! The command for me too, was clear – I must start writing down those dreams again and start believing through prayer, with an expectant heart and in holy anticipation that God will break down my Jerichos. I, too will claim the land He has prepared me to possess. This was another manifestation of His love – through my devotional time when He speaks to me through His word, I am assured that He is close.

The same day, I found myself watching Harry Potter and the Sorceror’s Stone. I started crying buckets of tears at the scene when Harry found a mirror that is able to reflect a person’s deepest desires and longings. A striking question in my heart was so clear “Anak, if you would look in that mirror, what would you see?”. The first thing in my head was a family – a household lead by a Godly husband and many many biological and adopted children. I saw myself pursuing and glorifying the Lord in everything I did for the rest of my life, sharing my calling with the people I loved the most. I saw myself serving the poor, bringing homes to orphans, and preaching the gospel in the slums.

Suddenly, the dreams I’ve had for the longest time became so loud and real. I was reminded that God has not forgotten what those are. That while I was fixated on the prayers He hasn’t been answering, He has been trying to remind me that He isn’t finished with my life yet. These were the dreams I painted with my Abba. These were to be used as instruments for His glory and a revelation of His love for me. I have forgotten what those are in fear of being disappointed and even because I have settled for the good. Men are well too easily pleased, when in fact, they have a Father wanting to give them answered prayers that only God can make happen.

I wrote down my faith goals again for myself, friends and family. I asked God to make these desires more impossible, more specific, and more in line with His will. I am praying for an increased faith as I start circling around these prayers again.

With my mind focused on Jesus, arms raised in worship , and a heart surrendered to Him, I know I will see those Jerichos fall down in this lifetime.  

< Hope to make a more detailed post about my journey with Gia in the hospital >

[faithdvalle]

“Fear not for I am with you”

The moment fear grips my heart, I always find myself picturing Jesus telling me “Why do you fear, you of little faith?”. Many times in the bible God commanded his people, not to fear. However, in our human frailty we are bound to be paralyzed by this emotion the moment when life’s goliath’s show up.

If it is impossible for humans to avoid fear, what does this command mean? When Joshua lead Israel to the promised land; when David faced Goliath to fight for his people; and when Mary was asked to be the other of the Messiah, I am sure that all of these men and women of faith felt that fear in the face of such huge responsibility and resistance. In the end, however God was able to use them as instruments and His divine plans prevailed.

They were able to do this not because they had willpower or that strength was in their DNA. In fact, throughout the bible God had always used the weak, the sinful and the ordinary to carry out such amazing tasks and fulfill His purposes. They succeeded because they had faith that God will never leave them nor forsake them. They knew that if God was for them, who can be against them? They chose to fix their eyes on their father, rather than on the problems the world presented to them. They simply listened and obeyed.

God knows we are bound to feel fear but what he meant by this command was not to allow any act in our life to be based on it. Don’t wallow in your fear. Don’t give it a sit on your table. The moment it comes, know that fear is never from God. Sons and Daughters have been redeemed from this chain the moment Jesus died on the cross. Your heart was designed to let faith arise in all circumstances.

You will never be able to beat your Goliaths if you are too scared to step out and lack faith to believe that God had already won it for you.

You are a daughter of God. You are meant to slay giants. You are meant to be the most courageous individual on this earth. You are no longer a slave to fear.

I pray that you will have a divine revelation of what that truly means in your life.

[faithdvalle]

Stepping into a New Season -Am I ready for what You will do next?

There are too many matters shifting in my life - priorities, perspective, and passions the past year after I graduated. All of these changes have mostly been internal, concerning my mind , heart and soul. Everything external is the same and I couldn't be more joyful where God has placed me and the people He's allowing me to share life with. I'm not sure if my discerment is accurate, I do believe that God is going to bring me to a new season. I'm not sure what is going to be different in that terrain. Will there be a new calling? Will I be uprooted from where I am now? Will he be sending me a partner at this point in my life? Or perhaps its all of these at the same time! I do believe that my Father is building me up for something or someone and it's going to happen soon. The divinely orchestrated changes happening within me can be overwhelming. I had to make and still have to make decisions that took a lot of faith, boldness and obedience. Often I am tempted to take the easier path and follow my pleasures instead of His. However my security and assurance is still, that through the changes in tides and seasons, I have the same Father who will never lead me where He won't go. At moments when I catch myself asking "Am I ready for what you're going to do next Father" , He quiets my heart and stills my soul to remind me that though I am unqualified, it is His grace and His love that qualifies me. My Father asks me then, in return "Will you take heart, have faith and step out in obedience?".

[faithdvalle]

You are created for Heavenly gifts

There are so many times when I am tempted to settle for what the world has to offer. In terms of career, time, relationships and even mindsets. This week, an “opportunity” presented itself. I closed my doors on this a few months back because I knew this was not God’s will for me. However as loneliness crept in my heart, I suddenly thought of giving it one more chance, a desire that is riddled with selfishness and ungodliness. The right decision is to close my thoughts on it immediately. 

The enemy of the good isn’t the bad. The real enemy is the best. I used to be unaware of this fact - that I was created for heavenly gifts. The bible says that “No man has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what the Lord has prepared for those who love Him” (1 Corinthians 2:9).  Before I surrendered my life to the Lord, I didn’t know what it means to truly have “God’s best”. I had SO MUCH of what the world had to offer - why would I want to let that all go for something or someone that I couldn’t even see? However, I realized that the joy of this world is truly fleeting. Even worse, I came to the revelation that the joy that I had inside me, at the time, was completely dependent on the circumstances that life presented to me. I realized that my own character, heart and spirit were in itself lacking...something. Until I found Jesus, that joy became real and powerful in my heart. So I knew that the devil was distracting me from God by giving me what was good. 

Set your focus on Jesus. Do not be distracted by the world. Look to Him and you will see the immeasurable riches of His grace. Look to Him and you will see how loved you are. He delights in you, no matter what you do. You are His daughter. Even the best father on earth loves giving gifts to His children, what more our perfect Father in Heaven? 

You are fearfully and wonderfully made, unconditionally loved, fully forgiven and set apart by your Heavenly Father. He, who did not withhold His own Son, to give us eternal life, what else could He withhold from us? God’s will in our lives is pleasing and perfect but there are so many times when we choose not be a part of it. I pray that we will choose to trust in Him and to seek Him above anything else. God has wonderful gifts for you. 

[faithdvalle]

What God told me about Rest

I encountered the most difficult week in my corporate life two weeks ago. Surprisingly enough, my teammates who have been working for 3 to more than 10 years labelled that week as similarly the most difficult week in all their years in the banking industry. Despite going home at 12 am almost everyday, while I felt physically exhausted, my heart was filled with peace, joy and gratefulness. The bible says in Isaiah that those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like eagles. They shall run and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. (Isaiah 41). I felt peace because I knew God was with me. I was grateful because I was able to survive and experience that ordeal within my first 6 months in the job. 

I experienced that promise of strength that week, and all throughout the two years that I have surrendered my life to Jesus when situations in my life get chaotic. I learned that resting is not only possible when there is minimal movement. In Jesus, it is also possible even when there is so much going on in your life. When we put our faith in Him, even with our busy schedules and responsibilities, there is an overwhelming and supernatural sense of peace. Despite the noise around, our heart is still and knows that He is God. 

The second thing God told me about rest is defined by our dictionaries. It means to “cease movement in order to relax, refresh oneself or recover strength”. The creation account talks about how God created the world for six days and on the seventh day, He rested from all His work. (Genesis 2:2-3). Hebrews 4:9-11 says “There remains then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God. For anyone who enters rest, also rests from their works, just as God did from His.”  

While I definitely believe that God is all Powerful and does not get tired, I believe He wanted to set an example because He knew our tendency to burn ourselves out! We are just humans after all with physical limitations, susceptible to sickness whenever we cross the line of working or tiring ourselves out too much. Which is precisely why I have fever right now! My schedule on weekdays and weekends are always full. I do love what I’m doing and it gives me joy, but it was only now when I am feeling so much fatigue and weakness in my body that I realized how important it was for me to take time and just pause, stay at home and have minimal movement. My rest and sleep are important to God. I need that to be able to have enough energy and strength to do what He has called me to do. Resting is an act of obedience to be a stewards of the physical body He has given me. 

I pray that we will learn how to rest in God by trusting in Him when our schedules get busy and we fulfill His callings for us. At the same time, I pray that we will learn when to pause, stay home and just give our bodies the physical rest we need. Both are important for our souls. Both are equally important to our Father. I pray that we will discern in our Spirits, the proper time for these. 

[faithdvalle]

A Palm Sunday Reflection- Luke 12:32

“Fear not little flock for it is God’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom” 

This verse says that God is delighted in giving us goodness beyond measure and imagination. It speaks about the Father’s heart for His children - that He wills and it pleases Him to make us happy. The positive image the word “kingdom” gives, shows a picture of an immeasurable vastness of beauty. And that’s exactly what He has prepared for us. 

For me, this represents my dreams and heart’s desires of having a good career in economic development; a Godly husband and family; and my plans of adopting in the future. I am sure there are more impossible and faith-stretching dreams God still has to write in my heart. 

What does the word “kingdom” represent for you?

I hope that you realize that God isn’t a punishing, angry and condemning God. The Father’s heart is marked with that of unconditional love and mercy. How can we doubt? He sent His son Jesus Christ to die for our sins and give us the perfect forgiveness and righteousness we need to have eternal life. The bible says in Ephesians that it is “By grace we have been saved through faith, not by works so that no one may boast”. Your salvation is sure when you receive Him as Lord and Savior of your life. Your future sins are forgiven. You are loved just as You are. You have eternity in heaven prepared for you. You didn’t have to earn this love. It was placed and given to you the moment you reached out your hands to accept it in holy surrender. 

What other good thing will he withhold from your life? 

How great is this love that He lavished on us! Thank you Jesus! 

[faithdvalle]

My vacation in Vietnam was so timely. 

My family is going through an unexpected season with the uncertainty in the next coming months. It has been awhile since we’ve faced a real problem together. My dad sat us down in my sister’s room in our Vietnam home to tell us the situation. 

My heart broke. Worry and fear crept in. All the plans that I had blurred out in my head. It was only a short while when Jesus reminded me of the truth. 

Nothing happens outside of God’s sovereignty. He has numbered our days before we knew it, crafting out a good and perfect plan for our lives. Tribulations are the breeding ground for powerful testimonies. 

There is no other response but to let faith arise and be excited for what God is going to do next. 

And that’s exactly the posture my family and I want to take. 

After the discussion, we talked about our plans for the far and near future. We prayed and told our cares unto God. We surrendered to Him together. We only want His will to be done in our lives. 

It was such a beautiful moment. I can picture Jesus smiling because we have a household that loves and serves the Lord. Something that wouldn’t exist without the leadership of my dad and the light that my mom brings. It was a family centered on Jesus and it is absolutely amazing that I am part of that. 

I am so excited for the next days, weeks and months. This is definitely an eye-opener for me. God you are always good! You give and take away but as long as we have Jesus, we have everything. 

Am I worried? 

Absolutely not. My heart is filled with optimism, excitement and faith!!! Jesus I can’t wait for what You will do next! 

[faithdvalle]

Seasons

I’m a strong believer of seasons. By seasons, I mean a period of life where we experience divinely orchestrated experiences purposed for a God given goal. For example, I went through a season of suffering for a large part of my college life. Out of that tribulation was my testimony and a deeper relationship and dependence to my Father. I also went through a season of uncertainty, when a lot of things in my life were changing and I had no idea what was going to come next I know that throughout this season God is testing my faith-how I trust Him when I could not see clearly. Right now, I’m undergoing a season of prosperity (while my season of uncertainty is still ongoing because two seasons can happen simultaneously). This is because God has been granting desires of my hearts in several aspects such as relationships, ministry, academics and travel. I also believe that I’m in a perpetual season of pruning. God is using my circumstances to take away things or persons in my life in order to deepen my faith and allow me to grow as a Christian. 

Those are just some examples of what seasons are. Sometimes, we’re eager to overcome a season especially when it involves suffering and pruning. There are also times when we never want to leave. This is when God allows us to be in a time where there is no suffering and when there is simply too much blessing. In all these “seasons”, what is God really trying to tell us? 

There are three crucial lessons that I’ve learned as I went through differing periods in my walk with God when I surrendered my life to Him. 

1. No matter what season, He is still the same God. 

Hebrews 13:8 Jesus is the same. Yesterday, today and forever

I love the assurance- that though I go through pain, prosperity and uncertainty, my powerful Father never ceases to love me. Though so many things are changing and will change in my life, He is still the same sovereign God whose will prevail over my life. 

Through a season of suffering and God doesn’t start panicking on His throne. He remains calm, with all His majesty, telling you “I have a plan my daughter”. Through a season of blessing, He rejoices over your prosperity and happiness, because as a Father, He loves giving His children gifts. Through a season of uncertainty, God is just hoping to silence your anxiety and hoping you know full well that everything will work together for good. 

God is constant. He never changes. He is still the same sovereign, loving and powerful God. You are still His child. He still loves you with an everlasting love.

2. God is always purposeful 

When God puts us through seasons, He always has a goal in mind. I hated Him so much when He allowed me to suffer and have the mental illness of depression. Looking back now, however, I learned that if I did not have that suffering in my life, I would never have seen Him and depended on Him the way I do now. The truth of the matter is, my tribulation was the reason why I’m at the most peaceful season in my life right now. Because of that season I am now an even stronger follower with an unwavering faith and passion to serve God and His people. God has a purpose behind your pain. 

1 Peter 5:10  And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

I’m not only talking about pain though. Even in a season of prosperity, He has a purpose. Either you get too caught up with your blessings that you forget about Him or that blessing becomes an instrument for Him to reveal how faithful He is in your life. I hope that as Christians, we experience the latter. I hope that blessings allow us to praise Him even more and give us the heart to share them with others. 

3. Let go. Not only of the sorrow, but even of the joys. 

Isaiah 43:18-20 Forget the former things. Do not dwell on the past. I am doing a new thing! Do you not perceive it? 

Don’t look back. Experiencing the fullness of God means moving forward. Not only from our past pains but even from past blessings and achievements. God has new things in store for you every singe day. We are not made for a blessing that will last a month or even a year. We are not made for temporary pleasures but rather, a gift that lasts for eternity in Jesus Christ. 

Throughout these seasons, God will take our faith and joy to new levels. Keep on seeking His kingdom and looking to Him so as to not get blindsided by these. God has a purpose beyond what you are experiencing. He wants us to enjoy the fullness and abundance of life, not just on earth but even in Heaven for eternity. 

[faithdvalle]

What’s next?

I'm graduating in a few weeks- June 23, to be exact. Before then, I'm spending time with my family in Vietnam and bringing two of my best friends , Joji and Gia, with me! After, I have two vacations set - Korea and Europe. I'll be gone most of the summer before I start working on August. I won't disclose which company I'm working for since I haven't officially signed but God told me to go there. Beyond the prestige , the confirmation from Him is what gives me the peace that I'm going where He wants me to be. I'm going to be living with my friends since HS, Denise and Darla in Bonifacio Global City which I'm very excited for because the three of us are transitioning to work life and its great that we get to support each other in that journey. Of the things that I want to stay and I'm praying will stay in my life are my commitments to Victory Katipunan. I resolved to come home every weekend from BGC to our condominium in Berkeley to fulfill my responsibilities in my home church. 

So many things are going to happen the next few months and frankly, it's really inevitable to get caught up in the excitement and forget the purpose that God has for me in these life transitions and changes. One of the most valuable lessons I learned in my walk with God in college , is how crucial it is to see everything I do in the lens of Jesus. From meeting new people , joining new organizations and even traveling , God is purposeful in everything. One mission is always clear : to share the good news and to be His vessel of love to others. Wherever I'm going or wherever He's taking me , the most valuable thing is to carry the name of Jesus. My prayer is that I will always hold that calling in my life , believing in the grace that He leads me and goes before me. 

I'm excited for 2017. Everything fell into place the way He wanted it to in my life. So I say Lord, that for the next coming weeks, months and years: Your will be done, not mine.