#pray for me i get this job i rlly need the money bc of my wedding

[fatmasc]

Staying positive. I have new shoes en route in the mail and a job interview lined up on friday

[29121996]

.

[haedgaf]

thank you for letting your blog be the hangout spot for haters YEAHHHH spread positivity love and kindness.. in another universe

hybe is one fraudulent company THESE MFS HAVE CONNECTIONS EVERYWHERE maybe we need to drive a truck into their building and nuke it? payola is basically an aspect of that company someone help… autoplay is crazy! you’re soooo right hybes acting stupid as if the general public doesn’t love them anyway HYBE FANDOMS ARE SUCH DICKRIDERS 😖

it’s gotten so bad that i started praying on hybes downfall like you’re gonna catch me with virtual candles. in a corner. praying a little harder on enha though cause their fans need to be publicly executed they literally made it their job to piss me off 😭😭😭 count your days engenes you will cough in 3 business days!!!!!!!!

you surely know that unforgiven vs gfriend clip MYYYY GOD I FEEL BAD FOR KACKLING AT IT! anyway sakura was decent at coachella to my surprise while miss wanna change the industry was screaming those notes out get OUR CHAEWONNIE OUT OF THAT HELL 😭😭😭💔💔 and about yunjin.. girl hasn’t apologised for the starbucks issue, yet it’s so obvious that she knows about it ??&@&#/-🍅🍅

our beef list is growing let’s keep it up 🫂

— j (going anon so the opps won’t get me :3)

like we like to troll a little here and get hateful.. take your positive ass back to some other blog 😑

GET THE NUKES READY we just can’t let them get away with all these 😭😭😭 thank god idgaf about any hybe groups other than svt (they’re under pledis anywayzzz) and nwjns. got all that money for payola but won’t use it for a vocal room like WHAT ARE THEIR PRIORITIES ATP they’re lucky knetz dgaf about their shitty vocals (tho it seems that they’re finally waking that tea up 🌝🌝)

OH ME AND ENGNES GOT A PAST TOO i remember i told myself i would never like enha bc of those losers (tho i ended up becoming an ngene for a while last year hsjdsk, not anymore but wonie is still my baby 🥹) the only time i moot ngenes is if they’re nctzens, like when i see that follow and check their carrd and see solely ngene i’m like uh uh.. this isn’t your place buddy

she rlly did improve i’ll give her that it was ec ynj and kz that were ass 😭😭😭 tho kzh kinda redeemed herself on the second night (they KNEWW to use those heavy backtracks 💀) PLSSS MY CHAEWONNIE DOESNT DESERVE THIS I NEED TO SAVE HER FROM FHE SLANDER ☹️ pls don’t get me started on ynj.. i used to bias her but ever since that stuff it just pissed me off so bad and now she’s apparently also the ambassador of a zionist brand? like oh thats notttt.. also the way she was sub-posting about the sb stuff like ughhh dpmo pls that’s why your lyrics are corny as hell 😒

HAJDKSJS WE WILL DENY EVERYTHING IN COURT MY CLIENT (you) IS INNOCENT.

[jungxk]

// rant

i'm jus so heartbroken rn i've been crying for the past hour i jus need to put my feelings out there, i hope it's ok w you.

my mum wakes up today and jus starts berating me bc i didnt put washed dishes into the cabinets & the kitchen looked messy for her. i'm supposed to do it bc there's nothing else i actually do but yesterday i had woken up in the evening nd they called me to pray straight away so i totally forgot about it (coupled w the fact that i dont like doing it either cuz there's always sm dishes nd it's such a hassle). she jus started scolding me senseless nd im someone who doesnt get mad easily, even if i do i tend to stay quiet bc i dont like conflict & angry emotions are ugly. but i couldnt stop it today? she kept calling me selfish nd she's been calling me that the past few days as well bc i never help out w chores or anything. she's always asking me "what do u do for this family" or "what do u do in this house" every single time nd ofc i cant say shit bc i dont. i'm doing uni online nd it's really not that easy but bc i dont talk to my family like at all, they think i'm all good. the other day i pissed them off nd my parents straight up said "why do we need to pay for ur uni ure not doing anything anyway" & i jus... i didnt even know if i even deserve to feel sad over it. they were asking me what i wanna do after uni as if im not just in my first year & when i said im not sure they got so mad and my mum purposely said "just marry her off" to push my buttons into giving them an answer. they keep saying i'm pushing them into being the worst and saying the worst to me but how is that fair? they're parents? adults? i'm jus 20 & i can control my emotions? but today really jus pushed me she got so mad at me for the littlest things nd i jus exploded. I asked her why she's mad and she's like cuz of the kitchen bla bla bla nd it got so frustrating i told her it's not my problem nd i jus wont ever eat again since all the unwashed dishes piling is my fault. nd then she got mad at me for that and scolded me. I hate being touched but mostly i hate being hit. imagine getting hit at 20 years old bc my mother is too emotionally unstable that she cant take a few seconds by herself to calm her anger down. I hate it. nd bc i said it's not my problem she came nd told me "yea it won't be ur problem when i die too! i'll make sure when i do, u never come see me." jus... what kind of parent says that? i'm so careful w what i say & i slip sometimes bc i'm human but how can a mother say that? she doesnt know anything about me. she doesn't know i dont like being hit, she doesnt know i dont like it when ppl act impulsively on emotions. sometimes i feel like i really am the problem nd that i'm really selfish. spending shit ton of money to get me to study, maybe i am selfish. i dont mind it. i know myself well enough to hate things about myself. but to have parents who barely know me as a person rather than a daughter, getting this much mad at me for smthn so simple jus makes me so sad. bc i was doing the task when she asked. she does things like this then wonders why i cant ever talk to her. entire family thinks i'm immature bc i behave exactly how they treat me. 20 years. I never ask for much. but it's starting to feel like asking to study in the uk was my greatest downfall. it feels like i dont deserve this. every day i'm itching to get away, to live alone bc they've made me feel like i can never work well in groups. it's always somehow my fault as if they havent been invalidating me nd my feelings since birth.

nd i can never tell them all these bc i'm never confident in them. i'm never confident in whether i would be accepted nd comforted without ridicule or scolding. my brother & father tell me it's like that, that jus bc i may get a scolding shouldn't stop me from being open. but what kind of stupidity is that? my mother who makes me feel like the world is ending when i accidentally break smthn, that it wasn't an accident but rather it's me nd that i jus cant do a good job— where is the comfort i can ever find coming to her w a problem?

nd bc of that we're not close. bc of that she's closer to my cousins & everyone else really. they've never concerned themselves to talking about family issues w me but when i dont know, they shame me, saying i never bother to ask— how would i know when to ask? should they be telling me when there's smthn going on?

this makes the concept of family so repelling for me. there is inherently no reason to ever have a child that isnt selfish or self fulfilling. what they do as parents is to make them feel as important nd respected as they expect from the child. but it's never like that w south asians. emotions dont exist if ure the child nd apparently getting mad is a norm nd shouldn't stop u from being emotional w someone.

at times i tell myself that i should pay back every penny my parents spent on me. bc sometimes it feels like it's being used to make me act or feel a certain way. i dont wanna feel this way. theyre my parents, i know theyre good people. but i'm so hurt by the things going on nd the things from the past. my mother invalidates me sm. she more or less kinda blamed me for feeling useless and depressed last year. my brother was telling her to go easy on me nd she got so mad & frustrated bc she didnt know what she was doing wrong. "if she feels so useless why doesnt she do anything about it?" like that was such a golden chance for her to have comforted me nd i couldve opened up? but she ruined it nd hurt me again.

last year i lived w her alone nd my dad was in our home country. I was having some troubles w him gone but i dont call or text bc... it always felt like a drag. it never felt like a conversation nd the only time it did was when i complained to him about my mum. so much shit happened between my mum and i & this person advised me to jus write some of my feelings to her. so i wrote her a long letter nd i included saying how not having my dad was hard on me too. flash forward im in my home country & w my dad. i know nobody here bc i didnt grow up here. i'm doing online uni & basically have to stay indoors cuz of covid. she brings that letter up when she was to berate me nd it jus feels so uncomfortable for me? like ok my actions dont line up but i wrote that cuz i was looking for comfort nd understanding. if i knew it was going to be held against me, i would not have done it? "u said it was so hard for u without him, so what do u even do for him here now?"— what can i do? i'm just 20 nd the situation im in is not normal? i'm grateful to be w my dad again but what can i do? &it always freaking comes down to house chores. i try my best. when our maid doesnt come i do my best w my tasks. i know it's not enough but i jus... i dont even know. ig that part of me is selfish nd lazy.

it's so suffocating here. all my feelings are bottled up nd im so scared what that would do to me in the future. but at least i know i'm too selfish to ever spend the rest of my life w someone.

sorry for the long rant. i hope this didnt ruin ur mood or anything i jus need an outlet nd ur blog jus feels so comforting nd welcoming. thank u for listening to me nd my feelings. God bless u really kssjdjsj

i’m rlly sorry this is happening to you bby. idk what race u are but this sounds so much like that asian mentality where emotions are black and white and comfort in any way is out of the question. ur still rlly young tho so ur relationship with ur parents has room to improve i promise. i think it’s rlly important for u to move out whenever u can tho bc that’s what rlly improves the relationship. having said this i do think the way your mum talks to u/treats u is emotionally and mentally abusive so whether you want to uphold that tie with her in the future is ur choice i just rlly hope u get somewhere safe and away from ur family soon x

[c00chmaster420]

this is a long vent and storytime-ish. tw/dr*gs

it hurts going from being the kid who could read and write super well from an early age who got an award for english in high school and had a 98 in science for most of the year despite it always being my worst class and didn’t even have to try in school to barely being able to get a proper sentence out half the time and never being able to explain/express myself bc my brain is so fogged and fucked from all the drugs i do/have done that i can only think at like half capacity now. i used to be a rlly smart kid, i never had to try in school and i’d always get by just fine, if we had writing competitions in school i would usually win, i was basically an english prodigy. now i’ve dropped out of highschool and am in a constant state of brain fog, i can’t even feel things properly anymore. i can’t ground myself to my surroundings or feel genuinely present, it’s so difficult sitting outside at night and listening to music (one of my fav things to do) and trying to just be there in the moment but not being able to fully process literally anything that’s happening or my surroundings. i’m never fully there. i feel like a ghost or something. i used to be so against drugs and alcohol and then for some reason i decided fuck it, i wanna try acid bc it sounds bad and i wanna do something really bad just for the adrenaline. then i tried it and fell in love, i’d never even smoked weed before that, just drank oil, so being high was new to me and i immediately fell in love. nothing compared to the feeling drugs gave me, it was such an experience and made me feel so good and was so fun, like nothing i’d ever done before. i was rlly depressed and kinda hated myself and didn’t have many friends or a life so drugs were the one really good thing i had. i did acid a second time with molly and once again absolutely loved it. then my dealer got arrested and i didn’t have anywhere else to get acid so i turned to dxm (another drug i said i’d absolutely never do, but desperation makes people do weird things). i loved dxm as much as acid, i got (mentally) addicted almost immediately. plus it was so easy to get and i had money really frequently so i could just go grab some for $10 whenever i wanted. i quickly spiralled from that, i started doing it at school and doing it every night i could and if i didn’t have it i’d have cravings for it so bad i’d be scratching and hitting myself and pulling my hair and sobbing so hard i’d almost throw up. i also started doing molly pretty often and other things like coke and shrooms and a lot of acid. my drug problem almost got out of hand at one point, i overdosed twice within a week of each other and got serotonin syndrome also twice within a week of each other. i got a bit better when i had to go to my grandmas for a few weeks and didn’t have access to any drugs, and i wasn’t getting money regularly either so i was forced to go sober for a while. at one point i got better and started only smoking weed and drinking and i was doing good for months if not a year but i slipped again. my friend invited me to come over and do ghb with her parents and i agreed, ofc. welp, i wound up doing a LOT of meth that night as well. this is where i started slipping. the day after that night (well technically the day AFTER the day after) i went back and did ghb and smoked a bunch more meth with my friends parents. the kicker is my friend wasn’t even there this time. i’m close with her parents so they said i could meet with their dealer at their place bc they didn’t want me meeting with him alone (mans got second degree murder charges, numerous assault charges, and many more. he’s a very dangerous guy). i met him the night i went there the first time bc he came to sell them the ghb. he wound up spending the whole night and we TOTALLY vibed (before i found out he was dangerous asf). also the first time i saw him he came in needing stitches bc he just bashed a girls car window to get back at her, so that’s lovely. we were gonna do stitches on him there but didn’t wind up doing that.

the next morning he offered to walk me to the bus stop but instead tried to take me to his doctors appointment with him?? keep in mind i’m a 17 year old girl and he’s a 35 year old man. so that was rlly weird but i managed to get away and go home. anyways the point of this was i used to have so much potential and be so different but now i’ve ruined my life with drugs and i hate it. i went from saying i would never even drink to smoking meth out of a wine glass in my mom’s bathroom bc i have literally no self control anymore. my cousin begged/told me not to touch the meth but here i am scraping little bits of it off to smoke and hoping she doesn’t notice. i wanted xans and her dealer is in the nw and i’m in the sw so he didn’t wanna come all the way just to sell me two xans so we got a bunch of meth too even though she just plans on probably selling it and not taking it. i’m slowly losing control, first it started with just planning on smoking the loose little teeny bits in the bag to scraping off some from the rock and i should’ve stopped at there but i couldn’t. i know i should’ve stopped at there, there was less chance of her noticing and i shouldn’t rlly be risking it but here i am about to go scrape even more off for like my 4th time and pray she doesn’t notice. i’m so fucking stressed, i’ve been lying to my bf and my family about the drugs and i feel so guilty but at the same time i kinda don’t which almost makes me feel worse. i always put myself and my interests first and do what i want even if i have to lie about it because i don’t have any self control anymore. i’ve stopped caring more and more, i used to never do anything if there was even the smallest chance of me getting caught bc i was so scared of getting in trouble but lately i’ve been developing an attitude of ‘what are they gonna do about it? even if they find out, i already did it, the most they can do is get mad and i can just choose not to give a fuck that they’re mad’. i also have been putting myself in more and more dangerous situations (usually for drugs) and i think to myself a lot ‘who cares if something happens? i wanna die anyways and if something else happens i’ll just deal with it, it’s whatever, i can choose not to care about it’ and i know that’s gonna get me in a really bad situation one day. i was doing so good for so long and now i’m just spiralling so bad again. i don’t think i can get better either bc i need to want to get better and for some reason i don’t? like of course i wanna be better and have a solid life but the reality of putting in all the work and actually getting there is just something i can’t do. i’d rather just throw my life away and wallow in my mental illness until i either die young from an od or laced drugs or i kms.

like the reality is i literally can’t be a functioning adult. maybe if i went on a bunch of medication and got a shit ton of therapy maybe, but i can’t even bring myself to look for jobs or apply to them, and the thought of actually working is TERRIFYING. i have such fucking bad anxiety, any time i leave the house i constantly feel like everyone is staring at me and judging me and i’m hyper aware of how i look and how i’m breathing and walking. getting a job and being an adult just isn’t realistic for me, plus i literally hate the human race and the world in general so i have absolutely no desire to stay alive and be a functioning adult in a world that i literally hate anyways. i don’t wanna be here anymore. i just want everything to stop

[catlovetts-blog]

hey there demons, it’s ya boi. or jaz, either way the sentence is valid. for those of u that don’t know me i play charlie, elias & anastasia already and here i am bringing another bb into the mix ! this is catherine lovett, aka cat, and is probs just under elias in the ‘how decent are jaz’s characters’ scale ( charlie is last, obviously ). for more about her read underneath the cut, & as per usual feel free to like this if u want to plot ! if we haven’t plotted already & u wanna plot w my other charas too, just lmk and we can work some Magic™.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: abuse, divorce.

CATHERINE LOVETT. DANCE VP. LEAD SINGER & GUITARIST.

cat was born in new york city, new york but her and her parents moved to blossom hill when she was about five, her dad being kinda concerned about how the pollution would affect his kid. #ecofriendly. her family is old money but she’s never paid much mind to how rich they are, kinda just going with the flow. you can still tell to this day she’s a city girl, being an absolute wizard with public transport and having slight issues with the rurality of blossom hill. pls never put her in a field.

ever since she was a kid, cat’s had some issues with her anger. she was taken to a therapist, but 80% of the time it never manifested into physical violence ( she still hit a lot of people, but it was always after a verbal argument, she never fought without warning ), so the therapy didn’t help. everyone just came to understand cat was fairly tightly wound and liked being in control, something you don’t have a lot of when you’re a kid, and so her irritation manifested itself as sudden outbursts of anger. because of her issues, cat tended to not speak very much, feeling that the less she said, the less others had to reply to, lessening the chance of her getting annoyed and possibly causing upset. both of these behaviours have stayed with her her entire life, causing her to become known at school as a bit of a lit fuse.

her entire life cat’s mom has always had her on a tight leash. she pushed her into dance at a young age, being a retired ballerina herself, desperate to live out her glory days via her only child. cat, in a desperate attempt to atone for her anger issues, chose to give up her childhood and the things she wanted to do in hopes of making her mom happy. she thought by making her mom happy, she would make her dad happy, and maybe the hushed fights and tense glares at breakfast would stop.

despite the grueling practice schedule, cat found time to secretly develop her own hobbies. she didn’t go searching them out, they found her in twists of fate, calling to her as if by chance. she became good at practical subjects, things like woodwork and metalwork, and moved on to learn about car mechanics from her father in the small amount of spare time she had. it was their secret, of course, but that didn’t lessen her enjoyment. she picked up the guitar at a thrift store when she was ten, another gift from her dad for doing well in a silly, inconsequential test, yet that gift was the best thing to ever happen to cat. she discovered her true passion, music, and began to write songs.

when she was about fifteen, her parents got a divorce for reasons still unknown to her. cat and her dad were super close but because of her mom, the gold-digging demon, her dad was forced to move back to new york and her mom got the house in blossom hill, the parents both deciding it’d be best for cat to stay in the town considering she’d already begun to build a life. things had never been great between cat and her mom, the woman screaming obscenities at her one minute behind her dad’s back, and then stroking her hair and saying she needed to be perfect the next, yet somehow things got worse.

her secret: cat’s mom largely blamed her for the divorce and hit her for the first time after cat came home late one night after dance practice. a dance practice she had pushed cat into. it was a nasty, violent show of hatred, the older woman waking up the next morning as if nothing had ever happened, pulling her into the main bedroom to cover it with makeup. cat didn’t know what to do. despite what her mother had done she couldn’t bear to upset her, having seen her sobbing alone many a time after the divorce, the young girl feeling as if she had to take responsibility. she dealt with, and continues to deal with, physical, emotional, and verbal abuse from her mother, forgiving the woman each time, unable to wake herself up to the truth.

however, the abuse led to something else for cat. because of it, she was desperate to get out of the house more, hoping and praying for any opportunity to not be at the lovett residence. she’d been turning to her music more and more, secret notebooks now full to the brim with songs and snippets of tunes – it didn’t take her long to form a band, not too long after the abuse started, and now they’re one of the few things keeping her afloat. she’s the lead singer & guitarist, taking the whole thing very seriously, believing the group has what it takes to be big one day. she’s been sending demos off to every record label she can think of, hoping that if they catch a break, she can tell her mom and maybe she’ll be proud enough to stop hurting her. the band’s been together for two years now and they practice twice a week minimum.

cat’s also taken up muay thai in hopes of both helping her anger and, again, keeping her out of the house. she’s a v busy girl.

wanted connections:

THE BAND, obvs. a bassist and drummer are definitely needed, then maybe a keyboard/synth player. everyone in the band plays an instrument. they’ve been together two years, but it’s possible maybe one or two members have had to leave/have switched with someone else if ur chara is new to town. there should be at least one other core member besides cat tho that’s been there since the start.

HER BOYFRIEND. cat’s linked to isla’s secret, which is that isla has slept with cat’s boyfriend more than once. whether or not these two are more of an on/off thing, or whether they were on a break when it all happened is up to you, but they’re currently together now. they likely won’t stay together since cat isn’t gonna take that shit once she finds out, so if ur worried about being locked into a ship don’t be, or if it goes well and there’s chem maybe they sort shit out, who knows ! i’m happy to go w the flow on this, i just rlly want the damn connection for drama sodmsk.

CHILDHOOD FRIENDS. either family friends or neighbours or people she generally just grew up with? they’d be the best people at dealing with her anger since they’ve handled it for years and i think she’d really appreciate them, even if she doesn’t always show it.

GYM BUDDIES. ofc she does muay thai so like, anyone that either trains with her or just goes to the gym generally to do cardio, weights, etc. she’s probably least angry when doing these things just bc she has an outlet for all of that pent-up energy, so this person probably sees a slightly calmer side to her, the hardworking side not many people notice.

PEOPLE SHE WORKS WITH. jfc does this girl stop? the answer is no. anyway, she has a weekend job at a local car garage helping fix stuff up, so it’s simple, gimme people she works with pls!!!

[paradoxal-kitten]

okay so i took an adderall lmao and i’m chillin. i’m boutta head to my first job so that way i’ll be back home around 6:40am i’m hoping. then imma clean my room do some laundry and shit. hopefully if i have the time and motivation, i wanna do my makeup and dress up bc i’ve been feeling vvvv bleh. then around 12-1pm i’m gonna go walking around some stores with my bff. she told me she’d never been to 5below i was like we HAVE to go. i had a rlly chill time with her tonight we smoked 2 blunts while just listening to music and drawing. talking about how we’re gonna be moving in together. bc my parents dropped the bombshell they’re moving in a couple of months, and they told me i could just continue paying rent and stay at this house. so she’s gonna come stay with me. and i’m hoping that my brother decides to stay and live with us too bc there’s enough room it’s 3 bedrooms. he’s 29 still living with our parents and they told him when they move he’s not coming with them. and he doesn’t have a job rn. so i’m hoping and praying that he’ll come work for me bc i need help with all the jobs. and as long as he has money coming in and he can pay his cut for rent, i’m totally chill with him living with us. besides i kinda want him to stay bc i’ve never rlly lived completely on my own with no family lol. like my parents and little sister are moving like 3 hours away. and the rest of my family is the same distance. so i kinda want my big bro to stay lol. i mean i also have another brother but he lives on his own with his 3 kids like 30 min away from me. but yeah lotta stuff happening. OOUU AND IM GETTING A CAR!! .....now i just need to get my license .... smfh i’ve had my permit for like 2 years now i just haven’t gone in to take the test. but i’m gonna ask my mom to help me call in and make an apt so i can take the test bc my parents will not let me drive my car if i don’t have my license :(