#pov you wake up in 2012

[qmyschoice]

what year is it again?

[jiarkives]

wanting was enough

⋆.˚ ᡣ𐭩 .����˚ summary — wanting was enough. for steve, it was enough.

⋆.˚ ᡣ𐭩 .𖥔˚ character — steve rogers (marvel)

⋆.˚ ᡣ𐭩 .𖥔˚ content — angst ; steve’s pov to this

⋆.˚ ᡣ𐭩 .𖥔˚ notes — timeline? we don’t know her 🤪 for the sake of the plot, bucky was found after eg and no one died ,,, also i hope this makes sense because i am like half asleep as i am writing this

~

Steve Rogers had always loved and will always love Margaret ‘Peggy’ Carter. For him, no one will ever compare to who she was as a soldier, as a woman, and as the one who held his heart. Or so he thought until he was pulled out of the ice and was thrusted into the world he knew nothing about, until he met you.

You were a rookie agent when Steve was pulled out of the ice and when he woke, Nick Fury assigned you your first mission—to help Captain America get back on his feet and adjust to his new world.

You and Steve didn’t hit it off immediately. In fact, you got off on the wrong foot. With your wits contradicting each other’s, and your smart mouth, you were bound to disagree. You would bicker at every waking hour you spent together, but he would be an absolute angel to everyone else, fueling your irritation further and so you gave the same energy back, maybe even more.

You directed all your anger onto him. At every moment, you were ready to reply with something snarky. You were always short with him, but you were the opposite to everybody else. In your head, you were giving him a dose of his own medicine.

And he let you because in his head, that was better. Your distance was so much better, not because he despised you, but because he saw her in you.

He saw her in the way you moved, the way you handled yourself with confidence and strength, the way you put deserving people in their places. But then as if a bucket of cold water was dumped on him and he realized.

He realized that everything was different, that she was gone. And for the first time, he saw you, and it just became so much worse because you were here, you were real, you were alive. You were someone he could hurt.

Then, not even a year after he was assigned to you, Fury reassigned you another mission, and the both of you were internally grateful. You were grateful to have been given a break from his insufferable ass, and he was grateful to have been distanced from you before his heart positively combusted.

Months passed right before his eyes and before he knew it, it was 2012. Fury sought him out for the Avengers Initiative and once again, he was Captain America.

With the shit that had gone down since he became an Avenger, he was always almost too busy to let his mind wander to you. Then, he found out that Peggy was alive. She was in this world and all of a sudden, he felt he had something to hold on to when the world moved too fast. And with his mind occupied with Peggy, you were almost completely wiped from his mind.

Then Peggy died and his world crumbled around him. He had seen it coming for a while. With Peggy’s age, he knew it was bound to happen sooner than later, but it was still a pain he never imagined.

Almost immediately after her death, the accords happened and faster than he could even blink, he was a fugitive, an enemy of the state. Everything went to shit after Peggy’s death and he felt as if he lost control over his own life.

Then you sought him out and took him in. You weren’t an Avenger, so you weren’t included in the whole mess in Germany, but you were still an agent of SHIELD.

You gave him shelter when he was on the run despite your connection to SHIELD. You were ready to throw everything away for him despite your history.

And during his time on the down low, your feelings started to bloom, seeing him in a new light, seeing him, not as Captain America, but as Steve, the scrawny boy from Brooklyn who wanted to kick bullies’ asses, but always ended up getting his ass kicked. But neither of you acted on your feelings.

Then all of a sudden, he was being whisked away because apparently, a titan from another planet was planning a universal genocide. They fought, but were unsuccessful.

Half of the world was wiped away and the first thing he thought to do after the battle was to seek you out, so he did. But you weren’t there. You weren’t in your own home and the only thing left of you was the pile of sand on your kitchen floor and a mixing bowl next to it.

Despite half of the world’s population being gone, it felt as if the world was moving too fast. Or maybe it was the grief slowing him down. Maybe it was both, but before he even realized, five years had passed and they were all presented a chance at getting half the world back, courtesy of Scott Lang.

With a lot of hiccups and injuries, but thankfully no deaths, they were able to get the world back and the titan was gone. Truly gone.

After the battle, Steve didn’t even wait until he was fully recovered to seek you out, and there you were in your house, coping with the fact that you have just lost five years of your life, despite feeling like you have only been gone for no longer than a minute.

He had barged into your home, looking you over before kissing the life out of you and there, something had bloomed.

At first, he was almost ecstatic at the thought that you were finally in his arms safe, sound, and alive. Then, he was scared. You were alive. You were someone the world could take away from him. You were someone he could hurt, and so he kept you a secret. He didn’t want to risk the world finding out about Captain America’s weakness and ultimately using you against him.

To his relief, you agreed to be his dirty little secret. It was fair, he thought. You got to keep your relationship with him and he got to keep you safe.

But it didn’t ease his fear. Despite the world not knowing about you and him, he was still scared. You were still with him and he could still hurt you, unlike Peggy, darling, dearest, dead Peggy.

And so unknowingly, he was pulling away from you and slowly holding on to the memories of Peggy, the memories of the world he knew before everything went to shit.

He knew damn well it was gone, that it didn’t exist anymore, but if it wasn’t real, if it wasn’t here, if it wasn’t alive, then he couldn’t fuck it up. The world wouldn’t be able to take it away from him because it was gone.

But you noticed, of course you did, and he didn’t expect anything less. You were a smart woman, his smart woman, and he knew you would catch on, but he didn’t expect you to confront him right after that mission. The mission where he found out that Bucky was alive, but he wasn’t his Bucky anymore. He was turned into one of HYDRA’s greatest weapon and he was taken because he was someone to Steve Rogers, he was someone to Captain America.

But he was there, he was real, he was alive, just like you are. And like Bucky, you could be taken away and used against him, and he wouldn’t know what he’d do if that ever happens, so he pushed you away. He told you lies. He held onto the memories of Peggy like a lifeline in hopes of keeping himself sane as he watched the best thing that ever happened to him crumble right before his eyes.

He watched as you left, unknowingly taking his heart with you.

In your head, his heart was buried with Peggy, completely unaware of the fact that you had taken his heart as you left.

[kandisheek]

FIC REC WEEK 50 – ENDGAME

SERIES: front row seats by Annie D (scaramouche)

Pairing: Steve/Tony, Steve/Peggy Rating: M Words: 27,182 Tags: Branching Timelines, Post-Endgame, Canon Compliant

Summary: A Steve/Tony series that follows one of the branching timelines set up by Avengers: Endgame.

Reasons why I love it: This series is everything I never knew I needed. The way it takes the implications of the Endgame ending and spins them to their furthest possible conclusion is so satisfying. I'm in awe of Annie D for coming up with this, because in my head this is canon now. You can't convince me otherwise.

This series consists of:

Something Beautiful

Pairing: Steve/Tony, Steve/Peggy Rating: T Words: 5,367 Tags: Alternate Reality, 1940s Branching Timeline, Making Up

Summary: In one universe sideways, it’s 2012 and the Avengers have just defeated Loki and the Chitauri. Steve Rogers, who has been out of the ice for almost ten years, wonders if his retaking the shield for this event was a one-off, or if he’s ready to keep it again. It depends on Tony.

Reasons why I love it: I really, really love how Annie D manages to drop all these little tidbits about how MCU-Steve going back in time changed the reality that this other version of Steve now lives in. The changes feel so organic, and it's all due to the way they're woven into the story without ever dumping exposition on the reader. It's legitimately masterful, and one of the reasons why Annie D's writing never fails to impress me. Definitely read this one, it's so good!

Safest Hands

Pairing: Steve/Tony, Steve/Peggy Rating: T Words: 7,080 Tags: Established Relationship, Declarations of Love, Marriage Proposal

Summary: In the one universe sideways, it’s 2016 and the Avengers have fled underground in the wake of what is the worst streak of bad luck they've ever had. Steve, Tony and Natasha are on the run together, and take temporary cover at a friend’s house.

Reasons why I love it: The interactions that Steve has with Grant are so good it kind of makes me mad that this isn't canon. And the absolute trainwreck that is Steve's proposal is so perfect it just feels like everything I love about Stony as a ship. I love this fic to death, along with this entire series!

No Do-Overs

Pairing: Steve/Tony, Steve/Peggy Rating: M Words: 10,097 Tags: Permanent Injury, Angst, Schmoop

Summary: In the one universe sideways, it’s 2018 and the Avengers and their allies have just defeated Thanos. Steve and Tony retreat from the limelight to recover, and are visited by an old friend who has an unusual request.

Reasons why I love it: I can't believe just how much this fic patches up all the holes in the MCU's logic about time-travel. It slots so neatly into canon that it's honestly baffling. I will never not think about this verse when watching Endgame now, and I couldn't be happier about it. Give yourself a treat and read this, because you WILL be impressed!

Twice the Groom

Pairing: Steve/Tony, Steve/Peggy Rating: T Words: 4,028 Tags: Bittersweet, Canonical Past Character Death, Alternate Reality

Summary: Grant Carter, formerly known as Steve Rogers, attends a wedding.

Reasons why I love it: I'm so happy that we get to see Grant's PoV in this fic. In the rest of the series, the implications of what this branching timeline might mean to him is alluded to, but here we get to see it more explicitly. I especially love his conversation with Bucky and the dorky Stony fluff, oh my god, it's so good. This fic is wonderful, and you should give it a read!

Timestamp: Front Row Seats

Pairing: Steve/Tony, Steve/Peggy Rating: G Words: 610 Tags: Multiverse, Canon Divergent, Phase Four

Summary: Steve and Tony may be retired, but they still get called in sometimes. Across universes, even.

Reasons why I love it: Okay, this is the final nail in the coffin – this verse is canon now. I've decided. This is canon and absolutely mandatory reading for any Stony fan. By the power invested in me by absolutely no one, I declare this series an official part of the MCU. Thank me later, and go read it if you haven't already!

[tgmsunmontue]

Online & Anonymous 8/16

Hangster. Explicit. Years before they meet in person Bradley and Jake strike up a friends-with-benefits relationship online. And then something more like an actual relationship.

Odd year = Bradley's POV and Even year = Jake's POV

>>Bradley chatting (bold and italics)

>>Jake chatting (italics)

2005/2006 2007 2008 2009 2010 2011 2012

2013 – Bradley

                When he gets the invitation to Top Gun he almost vibrates out of his seat in excitement. He keeps telling himself it’s excitement and not terror. He’s already going to be turning thirty this year, and while he might be a bit older than some of the other attendees he knows he’s unlikely to be the oldest. However he is older than his father was when he attended. He’s already older than his father was when he died and the idea that his father was married and had had a kid is mind boggling to him, because he doesn’t feel anywhere old enough to have either of those responsibilities, even if he’s coming around to the first one whenever he thinks about a potential future with Jas.

>>I got invited to a thing. An elite training thing. It’s sort of a big deal.

>>I’ll probably be busier than usual.

>>Like what?

>>Wait. Rangers? Delta Force? Pararescue?

>>Yeah. Something like that.

>>Fine. Keep your secrets.

>>You’re the one that said you want to keep some stuff for when we meet.

>>Can I change my mind?

>>Ask me again in 24 hours.

>>You’re pretty impulsive.

>>You like me being impulsive.

>>That’s true. I do.

>>Don’t want you to regret it though.

>>End of May isn’t that far away.

>>Assuming nothing happens again.

>>Yeah well. Fingers crossed.

>>Thinking about finally meeting you is the only gets me through some of my worst days.

>>No pressure.

                Bradley squeezes his lips between his teeth, wonders if he should apologize.

>>There is no pressure. I’m just… being honest with you.

>>I’ve had to lie about do much for so long, that even now it’s…

>>Well. I’ll never lie to you. Even if I think it’ll scare you.

>>This is where I get to be myself.

>>But you don’t need to worry about me not liking you.

>>I already love you.

>>Okay.

>>Well.

>>In the interests of being honest, do you want to know a secret?

>>Of course.

>>I’m scared of meeting you.

>>Why?

>>What if you’re not as perfect in person as you are through my phone?

>>Well, I’m not perfect.

>>At all.

>>Do you want me to share some of my gross habits with you?

>>I can do that if you think it would help.

>>Yeah. Go on.

>>Well, a recent one which drives my roommate absolutely batshit crazy, is I leave my moustache hair clippings all over the sink.

>>You have a moustache?

>>Yep. A new one. That long leave period I had last year when we were meant to meet up the second time? I started growing it.

>>Keeps my upper lip warm.

>>Do you look good?

>>I look like my dad.

>>Makes me feel closer to him.

>>I broke down and cried when I caught my reflection because I thought it was him.

>>I think mine is better, but I just wish he was here to joke with me about it.

>>Teach me how to take care of it.

>>All I’ve had are YouTube tutorials and it’s not quite the same.

>>If you’re watching online tutorials it definitely looks good.

>>Vain motherfucker.

                Bradley laughs but doesn’t bother disputing the fact, he likes to look good, and taking pride in his appearance is something that is necessary because it reflects on the Navy. He can’t say that specifically though.

>>What about you? Annoying habit?

>>I leave empty bottles and cups everywhere.

>>Not in the mess hall obviously, but everywhere else.

>>My friends despair of me.

>>I try and remember when I’m elsewhere, but I just keep forgetting.

>>Awful Southern manners.

…            …            …

                His seventeen-week stint at the Navy Fighter Weapons School begins and he doesn’t think he’s ever worked so hard in his life. He studies every waking moment, spends time with the ground crew asking questions about particular aspects of their jobs and their experiences, uses them to piece together a better understanding of the planes, although he’s already got an excellent understanding of most things, his obsession and upbringing in his youth meaning he’s knowledgeable about odd things, which sometimes get a raised eyebrow from one or two of the instructors. He does his best to ignore them.

                He and Jas have discovered SnapChat and started using that, not for conversations, just for staying connected and sending tiny little snippets of their day to each other, letting him know he’s thinking of him. Shots of morning coffee, books where he carefully covers the titles when it’s related to flying, the sky when it’s particularly pretty, his empty bed with the simple caption wish you were here.

                The seventeen weeks come to an end, he comes out on the top and he feels so much. He survived for a start, which is something he can admit now that he was worried about. God, he wants to ring Mav and Ice, and not just to brag, but to hear them be happy for him, although a part of him accepts he definitely wants to rub Pete’s face in it, that he is good enough. Of course it throws everything else into sharp relief and he wishes more than anything he could talk to his dad. He’s sitting in the lounge, just staring at the photos of previous Top Gun classes and 1986 is right there, an image that conjures so many mixed emotions.

                “Lieutenant Bradshaw. Thought you’d be out celebrating the win.”

                “Sir.”

                “Seriously. I’m surprised to see you here and not with the others.”

                “I will celebrate. Just. Having some mixed emotions sir,” he admits.

                “You don’t think you earnt the win?”

                Bradley blinks, because he’s not sure there’s a way to answer that question the right way, without sounding like he’s

                “I think it was an honor to be invited here and challenged by fellow aviators who are excellent in every respect. I worked hard and flew well. Just. Did you know my father died at Top Gun? During a hop?”

                “Bradshaw. I did wonder. Thought it was in bad taste to ask.”

                “No-one asked, but I suspect some are aware. No-one brought it up, sir.”

                “No, they’d probably take your lead on that. Well, I’ll leave you to it Lieutenant. Have a good evening.”

                “Thank you sir.”

…            …            …

>>How did you go?

>>Well, I didn’t wash out and I completed it.

>>That’s a pretty low bar.

>>Didn’t wash out? Pretty sure you smashed it.

>>I love your faith in me.

>>I love you.

>>Of course I have faith in you.

>>What I don’t have faith in is the universe and its apparent desire to fuck us over.

>>I’ve been invited to my own elite training thing.

>>Like, I can’t turn it down, it’s pretty much an order to go. And it’s an honor to be selected, but the timing could not be fucking worse.

>>I’m so sorry.

                Bradley is so disappointed he’s close to tears, but he also knows that when these type of opportunities are offered to you, you cannot turn them down. Ever. Not directly. Except he sort of just did, and his mind is

>>I understand. I totally understand.

>>Doesn’t stop me being disappointed though.

>>I was really looking forward to finally meeting you.

>>You and me both. Waited this long though right?

>>I am getting really sick of us having to say that.

>>I’m starting to get very sick of waiting.

>>I feel like we’ve waited long enough.

>>But I was offered something, I might see if I can backtrack my decline.

>>Shit. Did you turn something down because of me?

>>Well, I asked if I could think about it for a day or two. I was intending to turn them down, but I think I’ll accept it now.

>>Not if I don’t have meeting you in May to look forward to.

>>Nick. I don’t want you turning down things which could help your career just to meet with me.

>>I’m not going anywhere.

>>This goes both ways. I don’t want you turning things down either.

>>I’m sorry – did you just miss the bit where I said I can’t meet up because I’m taking up a training opportunity?

>>Yeah, but you thought about turning it down.

>>Next time don’t think about it, just accept.

>>I’ll always understand your desire to put your career first.

>>What about when I don’t want to anymore?

>>Also this applies to actual guys you sleep with and could have a relationship with.

>>Don’t you dare use me as an excuse to not pursue something if you think it’d be worth it.

>>Then the same applies for you.

>>Fine. Although the guys I’ve been sleeping with have yet to impress me with anything worth writing home about. Or well…

>>Sharing with you. My fantasies are definitely far more interesting.

>>Still think it’s your useless superpower, ability to hook-up with the worst possible guys and just have bad sex.

>>It’s okay. We’ll practice plenty in person when we meet.

…            …            …

                The offer to stay on as an instructor is there, and he’d said he’d think about it. However he really doesn’t want to stop flying, but he also doesn’t feel like he has the necessary skills to train other aviators yet, which is why he’s seriously considering staying to learn from the Top Gun instructors. When he raises his concerns about wanting to keep up his flying while also wanting to build up his experience with teaching and training to a set syllabus he gets a considered look for his troubles.

                “You’re not very much like your father or godfather are you Lieutenant.”

                “Excuse me sir?”

                “I know who you are Lieutenant. I flew with both your father, and Maverick. You remind my far more of Iceman. Cool and collected, little bit detached from emotion when you’re flying.”

                “Sir,” Bradley states, because he’s not sure if he’s asking a question or not. Whether it’s simply an observation or a compliment.

                “I’ll see what we can figure out.”

                The experienced tutors seem to take his interest in training with enthusiasm, recommending readings and setting homework. He learns that some of them have gone on to do Masters degrees in learning or development. He hadn’t expected quite a thorough background as he’s getting, but it’s good. He’s permitted to take flights early in the morning as long as he clears his flight plans with his commanding officer and also has at least three others awake and at least one willing to act as ground crew. He makes decent deals with several of the instructors, some who just prefer being on base that early to prepare for the day and doing it while he flies around is acceptable to them, especially when he agrees to try out any particular maneuvers and tactics in different planes. He loves it and it’s his routine for three weeks before the next Top Gun intake arrive. He shaves off his moustache and then regrets it almost immediately, but he can grow it back the next time he has a decent amount of leave to go unshaved.

…            …            …

                There are twelve naval aviators and Bradley has read all their files. He’s flown with a few of them before, one of them being Bambi and another Coyote. Then he knows Slipper, Knocks, Frank and Truffle. It leaves the other six as unknowns, although he does recognize the names. He has to admit it’s almost more intimidating than going through Top Gun himself, being expected to command the attention of other aviators for lessons, people known for challenging the status quo. The fact that he already knows half of them actually makes it worse, because he knows they won’t hold back. Not that he expects any of them to hold back, but he’s read their files and they’re all good and more than deserve to be here.

                It’s a little awkward, he’s not sure whether he is meant to be hanging out with the instructors, or whether he’s somehow part of this Top Gun class as well. So he finds a weird middle ground, friendly and professional with the instructors, happy to act for them, following their instructions and carrying out flight moves as an example or acting the part of bogey for tactical training. He is even more professional with the Top Gun class, slightly cooler but still friendly enough that he doesn’t think it pisses any of them off, although Bambi does roll her eyes at him more than once and Coyote gives him a quirked eyebrow.

                He and Jas continue to exchange snaps every day, although they both poke fun at the seemingly endless monotony of their current day-to-day lives. Bradley’s same mug of coffee everyday wishing him good morning, and it hasn’t escaped his notice that Jas seems to be in his time zone for the first time ever. Or at least for the first time since he really started paying attention and using Snapchat. They haven’t made any long-term plans to meet-up, not until next year and that’s too far away for Bradley to even know where in the world he’ll be let alone what weeks of the year he will have free which makes him feel a little more irritated than usual.

                “So, your score is the score I have to beat huh?” Jake Seresin says, and Bradley can’t help the immediate spike of annoyance at the words. He shouldn’t, because they’re Navy, competition between them all is something that is drilled into them from the beginning. More so for the USNA, but Bradley’s been around Naval Aviators his entire life and knows how they are, for the most part. Bunch of egotistical adrenaline junkies. Himself included, although he likes to try and temper his own ego by being as friendly and hopefully genuinely likeable as possible. Of course, being professional and maintaining some sense of distance can be difficult when he just wants to roll his eyes and tell the guy to grow up.

                “Just concentrate on your own flying and don’t worry about beating me.”

                They’re all good pilots. Of course they are. But Jake Seresin just seems to take the cast of egotistical and break the mold. He’s just so full of himself and the most annoying part of it is that it’s completely justified. He is that good, but he also gives off waves that he doesn’t feel like he has anything left to learn and Bradley knows he can’t be the only one feeling a little frustrated with his attitude sometimes. He asks the other instructors, in a round-about way, and he gets amused looks and told that he’ll learn to manage that with experience.

                Then there is how Seresin looks. He’s very nice to look at, Bradley isn’t going to lie to himself about it, and he wouldn’t kick him out of bed, however he’d have to like his personality enough first to invite him there, and that isn’t happening anytime soon. Definitely not while they’re at Top Gun, even if he thinks he could ask and get accepted, he doesn’t want to get a reputation for sleeping with students, that would be disastrous. It doesn’t stop him jerking off and thinking about Jake Seresin’s lips around his cock and he sends a couple of pictures to Jas during and after, telling him he misses him.

…            …            …

                Seventeen weeks feels like the blink of an eye and also, somehow, the longest drawn-out torture ever. He’s glad he has flying everyday, because somedays it’s the only thing that keeps him sane. Seresin seems to ask endless questions, some just bordering on disrespectful and he knows the other instructors find his frustration amusing, because he catches their poorly hidden smiles when he privately expresses his frustration to them, so he starts ignoring it as best he can.

                He doesn’t think he enjoys training and teaching enough to want to make this his career, not if every class is going to have people like Jake Seresin in it. He can’t bring himself to whine about it to Jas, not when he knows he’s so busy with his own specialty training, so he does the next best thing and rings Natasha, exchanging pleasantries before just launching into the complaining when she asks how the training aspects are going.

                “I just can’t seem to teach him anything! He just rubs me the wrong way.”

                “Well, you definitely want to be rubbing something…”

                “Jesus Natasha!”

                “What? It’s not going to get you kicked out or anything anymore…”

                “I’m not going to sleep with him!”

                “Would you? If that were an option? Is he hot?”

                “I don’t know. Have you met Jake Seresin?”

                “Oh. Definitely hot. He’s also Javy’s best friend.”

                “Javy huh?” Bradley asks, wanting to steer their conversation away from his inconvenient attraction to the most annoying person he’s ever met.

                “Shut up. At least I know what the guy I’m interested in looks like…”

                “Yeah yeah, whatever. I had noticed they were pretty tight.”

                “Yeah. Tight as brothers. Academy and flight school buddies. Hopefully Javy’s actual brothers are nicer.”

                “Well, they aren’t currently here driving me fucking insane, so that’s already a point in their favor.”

                “How is Javy doing?”

                “He’s good. Everyone here is good. You should be here.”

                “I’ll get my turn.”

                “Yeah you will.”

…            …            …

                “You know, the other instructors, they call you a rooster, because you get up so early so you can get up and fly before class.”

                Bradley grunts, because if he ignores him, maybe he’ll go away. He knows the other instructors call him that, and he doesn’t mind it, because there are far worse nicknames he could have landed himself with. This one has been an almost affectionate one, given to him with a ruffle to his hair and a wink.

                “I wanted to see if you’d be interested in getting a drink.”

                “With you?”

                “Yes.”

                “No, that wouldn’t be appropriate.”

                “We’re the same rank,” Seresin states, but Bradley is shaking his head.

                “I’m still an instructor.”

                Seresin’s lip curls, and it’s not in a nice way, but he’s stepping back, hands out in a no harm no foul gesture and Bradley hates that he looks good even when he’s looking pissed off.

                “Your loss.”

                “I think I’ll live.”

…            …            …

                When the seventeen weeks come to an end, he finally allows himself to socialize with Bambi, taking her out for dinner as an apology for being so formal and professional for the last four months. Allows, for a given definition of allow, for her to sweep the floor with him at both darts and pool. Then he takes her back to his place where they make a video call to Natasha and have a proper catch-up. Of course the first thing Natasha asks is if he’s slept with Seresin yet which has Bambi cackling and telling her all about the times Seresin seemed to be an ass solely to try and get Bradley’s attention.

…            …            …

>>You ever wonder what would happen if you did something different?

>>Only every fucking day.

2014 - Jake

[acefiree]

𝗯𝗮𝘆! 𝗹𝗲𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗿𝗱𝗼 | the farm ⁽ ¹ ⁾ ( summary )

Leonardo ✷ Alaska ( pining friends ) MASTERLIST 2012! – BAYVERSE!

ᕦ(๏益๏)ᕥ: After the Kraang invaded New York city. Alaska and her family of misfits go to April’s childhood home on the farm to lick their wounds after Splinter is thrown into the sewer, leaving everyone to question if he is alive or not. With Leonardo being hurt, no one knew what to do. Alaska and Raphael spent most of their time watching over the turtle in blue, hoping he’d wake soon. (third pov, turtle anatomy, pining like a damn idiot, Raph being the big softy we know he is, spidergirl persona, all characters are 18+, NSFW scenes, and Leo being a fucking simp.) wordcount: 1371

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  "DEAR TO WHOMEVER IT may concern if you find this journal...

     The Kraang finally did it, the stupid alien got the better of us and defeated us...Leonardo got hurt, and Master Splinter is gone, ripped away from us in the blink of an eye, and Vern was taken in the invasion...

     We fucking lost. 

     So, Raphael and Donnie made the call and we all fled the city, going to an old farmhouse my close friend, April, grew up on. 

      It was miles away from the city, a place we could all be safe in. 

     The first thing we did was take care of poor Leonardo, seeing as he was in no place to take care of himself, the fearless leader unaware of the world around him anymore...

     I made sure to keep a close eye on him, swearing not to leave his side for too long, wanting to make sure he was okay and still breathing as I waited for him to wake up. I was doing a good job of it so far, but I would be doing a much better job if the other three brothers would stop hovering over me.

     At first, I thought they were only hanging around because they wanted to watch over Leo as well, but I soon found out he wasn't their only concern. 

     It was me...

     Raphael was the worst of his brothers, and kept a constant vigil over me and Leo...there were even times the red-clad turtle would have to practically drag me away to my room and force me to sleep...and sometimes, he'd even make me eat.

      Then there was Michelangelo. He would often goof around and try to get me outside to help with the farm chores, even going as far as forcing me to feed the animals – but mostly he just wanted to goof around and cause trouble...

     And while all this was taking place, Donatello decided to build a lab in the barn, trying to create a mutagenic medicine to heal Leo as Casey kept him company...However, in Donnie's case, I think he'd prefer to be alone rather than have the Jones hovering over his shoulder 24/7 asking questions that would even have me annoyed.

      April kept herself busy, cleaning the house and making sure we all stayed fed, and up to date on what was happening in the city. I know deep down that she was just trying to keep her mind off things and kill the need to chase a story.

      I miss New York, our Sensei...and Leonardo...

     Hopefully, he will recover, and I will finally get to get over this guilt I feel, and we can all go home...if there's even a home to go back to.

     But life, as Master Splinter would say, must continue on.

     ALASKA'S MOSS EYES WERE glazed, and her mind was foggy, her hand wrapped around a tattered rag tightly as she stood beside the bed, watching the two terrapins lower Leonardo down into the springy mattress. She blinked once. Twice. And even a third time as she tried to blink away at the new reality she was suddenly living.

     As Raphael and Donatello stepped away to give her room, she took a slow step forward, her eyes set on Leo's relaxed cataleptic face as it stared back at her haughtily. She lifted a steady hand, running the rag over his skin. The once vibrant olive color no longer looked as if it held any life to it, his skin looking an ashen green and littered in dark hues in what she guessed was the equivalent of a bruise for a turtle.

     Her heart tightened as she cleaned his bare face – a face she had always dreamt of seeing without his tattered blue mask.

     The ebony-haired girl hated that the first time she got to see his face again, was when he was unconscious and unaware of his surroundings.

     As she continued to clean the comatose leader, Donnie worked in the back as he set up a makeshift IV line for his older brother. Alaska's eyes flickered to the genius as he lifted Leo's hand and stuck an IV in the largest vein, placing tape over the tube to secure it. His golden gaze caught the curious look on her face, and he was quick to soothe her curiosity.

     "This will keep him hydrated – it's an infusion of fluids through a 'drip'...It should help him heal faster." Donnie explained as he slipped into a ramble, spewing information as he went back to checking the IV bag and line, "I would much rather have him in a tub full of water, but with our size, a human tub won't work. This will have to do for now,"

     Alaska nodded numbly once he was done info dumping (a thing he often did under stress) before turning to look back at Leo from her place on the bed, her shoulders curving forward, and her bottom lip being brought in between her teeth. The taste of dried blood from her previous chewing danced over her taste buds, but it didn't really disgust her by the taste. Blood was something she had become quite acquainted with over the past few days.

     "Will he wake up?" April's soft voice came from the bedroom's threshold as she looked on, Casey standing only a few inches away as he tried to comfort his girlfriend.

     Donnie hummed as he finished up making Leo as comfortable as he could, "His injuries are pretty severe, and from what I can see, he sustained some trauma to the head. He seems to be in a vegetative state, but I can't know without running proper tests..."

     Alaska frowned, growing questions forming in her gaze as it traveled over Leo's body, looking at the large crack in his plastron. She felt terrible he was in this state, and she felt like it was all her fault. She continued to chew her lip as she went back to cleaning the soot from his face, the rag following the long-faded scar on the right side of his face.

      Even on the brink of death, he still looked so pretty...

     After a long pause of silence, the atmosphere in the room nearly suffocating with how solemn it felt, the others left her alone with the leader — well, at least, Alaska thought she was alone.

     She placed the rag down as her fingers curled into a tight fist and her nails dug into her palm. She squeezed so hard, she was sure blood would soon trickle from her skin. 

     Why did it have to be Leo? Why did he have to risk himself for me? Why was this hurting so bad to the point I wanted to break something? Her thoughts screamed as she clamped her eyes shut, trying to block them out. 

     A heavy three-fingered hand on Alaska's shoulder had her tensing and she snapped her head around. Two different shades of green mixed together as she locked eyes with her best friend, Raphael. The quick-tempered brother observed her with a look she had never seen on him before. A look that nearly had her breaking. In that moment neither one of them had to speak, a silent understanding passing through their eyes.

     She wondered how long he was going to stand there, but nevertheless, she appreciated the company.

      Her mouth curved into a soft smile that didn't meet the color of her eyes as she lifted a hand to place over his, her silent way of saying it will be okay before she turned back to Leonardo and leaned closer, and went back to cleaning his face so there was no more dried blood and dirt.

     Raphael tracked her movements with a guarded look on his face, emerald gaze holding a certain softness he didn't even realize was pushing its way through. His somber mood kept him silent, though questions about the events that took place after the invasion played on the tip of his tongue. He knew now wasn't the time to poke or prod the younger woman, seeing as she had already been through so much in the past twenty-four hours.

     They all have.

     So, he kept himself quiet as he allowed her this time to care for Leo.

     And that day, the heaviness in her heart never left, but she was grateful for the shadow of the turtle who never left her side as they took turns caring for the leader.

[belphegor1982]

Got tagged by @accidentallylita for a 20 questions for writers thing! Thank you 💜 I'm gonna tag... @tameila, @fantasiawandering, @kabbal, @kaantt and @thisstableground - no pressure at all though.

How many works do you have on AO3?

88. But I still have 44 others over on FFnet.

What's your total AO3 word count?

659,354 (holy crap that's a lot!) and I'm way too lazy to add the FFnet numbers. The FFnet counters are a mess anyway.

What fandoms do you write for?

I have written for... Ready? Go! *deep breath* Harry Potter, Great Mouse Detective, The Mummy, Pirates of the Caribbean, Kung Fu Panda, Watchmen, Justice League, Discworld, White Collar, Hogan's Heroes, Zorro (the 1950s Disney series), Kaamelott, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (the 2012 cartoon and a TMNT 2003 and 1987 crossover missing scene from Turtles Forever) , the Don Camillo stories/films, Cobra Kai, Karate Kid, The Legend Of Vox Machina, and Critical Role. Whew! And that's not counting unpublished WIPs, because then I would have to add ACD Sherlock Holmes, Jeeves and Wooster, or The Pirates! In an Adventure with Musicians Scientists :D It's mostly Critical Role and Vox Machina at the moment, though.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Let's see:

Villains (Justice League Unlimited, Flash's Rogues watch the finale of season 2's near apocalypse on TV in their bar, 442 kudos)

Reading the Colours (TMNT 2012, kid!Mikey having trouble learning to read and a bit of synaesthesia, and kid!Ralp being a good brother, 225 kudos)

Culture Shock (Turtles Forever (TMNT 2003 and 1987 crossover), 2003!Don and 1987!Leonardo having a conversation about danger and stakes and genre shifts, 215 kudos)

After the Sunset (The Mummy, a getting-to-know-each-other scene set just after 'The End' to tie up loose ends and explore character dynamics, 202 kudos)

Wife (Justice League Unlimited, the writers made Captain Cold (of all people XD) mention a wife so I created a character and explored her relationship with her husband and his nemesis, 168 kudos)

Aww 💜 I was kinda surprised by this list, to tell the truth!

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try (oh my god do I try ♫). Currently there's still a couple in my AO3 inbox I haven't responded to yet because I like to take my time (and also I like having that little number beside my inbox on my page 😭)

What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Oh that's easy. If, a Hogan's Heroes snapshot (<800 words) where I essentially went "hey, what if [character] really had been killed in that scene?" and picture the aftermath.

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Oh that is hard! I have comforting endings, I have peaceful/hopeful endings, I have bittersweet endings with a side of sweet... But just plain happy? I mean, Pas de Deux would end on a thoroughly good and happy note if it weren't for that pesky last sentence ("This summer 1914 is going to be the best summer"). I'd say Perfect Picture has the happiest: it's a (few years into the) future JLU fic set at a Christmas do, PoV Jimmy Olsen, that ends on him taking the titular perfect picture in the immediate wake of a very happy announcement. I love it a lot.

Do you get hate on fics?

No, thank goodness. Something of a miracle in 22+ years of writing online! My beta has, though, because some people are idiots.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I do, although it's a recent (ish) development! I've written three kinds of smut: loving and sometimes fumbling between two then three young people who don't a ton of (or any, in some cases) experience, quick and ill-advised between two desperate people convinced they'll die in a few hours, and cosy and warm as a means to (re)connect (two different fandoms) between middle-aged people. Love every one of them.

Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I have! Like the aforementioned TMNT crossover (within the same franchise, bit still, two different shows and fandoms). And, well, it's not exactly crazy, but I wrote a tavern-as-an-afterlife fic in which Sergeants García and Schultz have a little conversation about their respective supposed-to-be enemies. Would that count as "crazy" if they have approximately a century and a few years between their lifetimes?

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I don't... think so. Can't be sure. Sometimes I post fic here and I've definitely found my Tumblr accounts on those crappy Tumblr mirroring websites, so yeah, probably.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Someone asked me once if I minded them translating one of my Don Camillo fics into Italian, to which I responded with happy flailing and "not at all, go ahead!" But I never heard back from them. OTOH, I have done the translating :D I translated a Mummy fic into French back in the day (2004) with the author's permission, and I wrote L'éléphant de Carter (Hogan's Heroes) in French then translated it into English.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not really. I participated in group projects and big bangs and stuff, but I've written a fic "with four hands".

What's your all-time favorite ship?

It should be an obvious choice, because I have so few I ship actively - you know, not just "sure, I like the idea of them together". For the purposes of the question I will say Pike Trickfoot/Scanlan Shorthalt, from Campaign 1 of Critical Role/The Legend of Vox Machina (it's a slow burn with minimum pining! They both have personal growth! He pursues her but then apologises and asks if they can be friends! Each is the only one who truly sees and perceives the other on that level!). But also I really really love my one-third-canon-character-two-thirds-OCs OT3 set in 1910s Oxford. So... tie? :3

What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I have one of those eternal WIPs (more of an idea, really) of a Discworld/Quantum Leap crossover where Sam Beckett Leaps into Sam Vimes who's in the middle of an investigation, which would mean that 1) Sam B has to wrap his mind around the existence of magic and dwarves and trolls and Nobby Nobbs while Sam V and Al Calavicci stare at each other down (Spider-men-pointing-meme style in the end) going "if my guy/my people get(s) hurt by your shenanigans then so help me I will go SQUARE" (and quickly enough work together).

What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue, apparently? I've been told a few times over the years by readers that they could "hear" the characters speak in their heads, which is the greatest compliment 💜 (especially since English is not my first language, so I'm always worried about things not sounding right!)

What are your writing weaknesses?

Actual plots, especially ones with a bit of complexity in them 😅 I'm the first to admit 80% of my fics are one-shot character exploration (with conflict - internal and external - being resolved via dialogue and/or communication). Also finishing things on time, GOD.

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

Heh. I'm French and when I write for Hogan's Heroes I often write a French character who canonically (though rarely, gotta respect the ratio) says things in French sometimes. Of course I'll include some! But I always make sure 1) to include a translation/explanation in the notes (AO3 is really great for footnotes) and 2) that it doesn't really require a translation to understand the situation/stakes. I tend to go back and forth on the use of italics for foreign language words.

Now, if I don't know the language as well as I do French (and, more importantly, if the PoV character who hears it speaks that language), I just clarify in the "s/he said", like

"You gotta be kidding me," muttered Bob in [insert language here].

Works in English too, of course, especially if you're having a multi-language environment in your fic.

First fandom you wrote for?

I was gonna say "Harry Potter", because that's the first fandom I wrote for (and published) after discovering fanfiction (the first fics I read were for Starsky & Hutch), BUT. I guess I should answer Titanic?? On account of how I kinda wrote a self-insert in high school (when the film came out) in which an imaginary inventor uncle build a time machine and my sister and I did some time tourism (obviously money wasn't an issue), thinking "oh we'll just go home on April 14th". I was a soppy 16 years old otherwise 0% interested in romance, so I had my stand-in recently lost her boyfriend (very tragically) and Fabrizio (Jack's Italian friend) be her gently manic pixie dream boy (and, of course, die). In retrospect I might have given my 14 year old sister the best part as the snarky no-nonsense little sibling. I tragically lacked self-awareness and poured my entire heart into it. Thank goodness I had no idea you could put out stories on the internet and that my best friend at the time (the only other human being who read this story) was kind and just as obsessed with the movie as I was ^^'

(I should point out that I wrote it with pencil on loose paper gathered in a binder I lost long ago. Such is life.)

Favorite fic you've ever written?

You can't just - I - oh come on! I can't choose between my babies!! No but seriously, I actually can't choose, sorry :D

[amethysttribble]

this is random you referenced one fic about a year and a half ago in the notes of a gintama post, do u know the title? i saw your tags awhile back and i want to read it https://www.tumblr.com/amethysttribble/689038760659304448 <- this is the post

Hey! Sure! This question delighted me to wake up to; I didn’t remember, but I went searching because, hey, that fic deserves some recognition. An outside female pov with a focus on historical detail, including footnotes? In 2012? That’s amazing.

And I found it! Good thing there really aren’t that many Gintama fics on FNN, and not many unfinished ones about Takasugi.

Here it is: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/8348698/1/

I can’t vouch for its quality on the year 2024, as I read this in 2014 when I was in highschool, but hey, I’m probably going to re-read it now, too, and at the time it blew me away. Unfinished, but many of the best fics are!

Glad you asked and hope this helps!

[protect-daniel-james]

Do you have a vampire Unai playlist? / sort of Spotify related.

Or a vampire Unai song?

Oooh, I have a couple of Unai songs. The vampire ones are just:

The Last Shadow Puppets - Dracula Teeth (obviously!)

I wake up in an ice-cold sweat And my skin starts to creep You're hovering above my bed Looking down on me Haunted house sound effects Dracula Teeth

I wonder if the rival managers feel similarly when they talk to Unai after a match. If their skin starts to creep, if Unai's skin just seems to radiate cold.

Arctic Monkeys - Dangerous Animals

I love to imagine Unai's POV, it's him being "pinned down by the dark" - by the dark(ness) of his own nature as a vampire. I imagine him STRUGGLING. Also, these lyrics MY GOD:

you should have racing stripes the way you keep me in pursuit / sharpen the heel of your boot / and you press it to my chest and you make me wheeze/ then to my knees you do promote me

I love to picture this in Unai's relationships with the...unattainable/unreachable/dominant partners - with football, with Granit, with Mikel. And I love to imagine vampire!Unai doing the same - of course, he could be the one dominant, of course he could use his supernatural powers - but he won't, he'll suppress them, even at the expense of him being so submissive (he actually likes it. i am fairly convinced he is a masochist).

But tbh then I have a couple of Unai songs that are not directly in the vampire!lore, they're just about the desperate and unfulfilled longing that I always connect with him, no matter if he's in a vampire version or not lol. So, I'll take this as an opportunity to ramble a little:

Kino - Elektrichka (Электричка)

The Unai in Russia song, lmao. I think a lot of the 1980s depressive songs would work for Unai in 2012 Moscow. He just feels lost, without a direction, without anything positive. The elektrichka (tram) is taking him somewhere he doesn't want to and yet he can't shout, can't scream. The claustrophobic feeling of being trapped in a place where there's no dignified way of getting out (and even the alphabet laughs at him in Russia!)

Mikel Laboa - Txoria txori

Oh, the anthem of unrequited feelings and the choice of letting someone you love go. If I had cut off his wings, he would have stayed, he wouldn't have left, but then he would have no longer been a bird.

I love the Anne Etchegoyen version as well, but this one with the church-like chorus sounds even sadder.

Take Aim - Kasabian

(okay so I interpret this as a kill your darlings scenario lmao. take aim? gotta get us out of here? there's no other way for us to get out of this? i bid you farewell? tears on my shovel? hmmmmmm. idk I just love the desperation).

Duncan Dhu - En algún lugar

This is canonically what Unai listens/listened to in his youth. Very melancholic, very underlyingly sad. I like imagining Unai as an edgy teen/young adult, in a long coat or leather jacket, walking somewhere by the sea shore, wind blowing in his hair unspoiled by hair gel, looking very much like an ancient vampire, but also like a Depeche Mode fan...

Desire - Under your spell

Ah, the Arsenal advert song. I love the song, and I love the advert (if you haven't seen it, check it out). So good, so disturbing, so ambient - this is the song of obsession. I'd say it's Unai's obsession with the club even after he was sacked (he did, IRL, say that he kept dreaming of Arsenal for some time after the sack, so do with that information what you will). But it's also his obsession with Mikel. Or with Football, obviously.

[tc-lp]

Kylux song of the day. It's from 2012 (?!) but i don't remember hearing it before today.

Feels like it could be from either's pov. Or both.

Did you scream? Did you suffer? Does it help you do more? Does it pay up when you wake up And the last word is yours?

[amberswilddreams]

you stayed ("whenever you're ready baby girl" alt ending)🫶

pairing : kian egan x fem!daughter reader

summary : whilst kian and jodi egan's eldest little girl always seemed to draw the short straw in her life, what if she actually survived and beat her cancer? what if she actually never died after the newcastle shows of the farewell tour? what if she made it to her tenth birthday and every other birthday after that? what if her short straws began to grow back healthy again in the same way she had? what if she got to see her dad's band reunite seven years later?

warnings : happy ending, girl dad x kian, terminal illness, crying, flashbacks

a/n : since writing the original version of this for kian, i decided to write an alternate ending where willow egan doesn't die because i still can't believe i wrote about child loss and she actually survives and sees through what was thought to be the rest of the end of westlife in 2012 and then their reunion in 2019 as a teenager, even though in the original, i have the timeline as this being written during the reunion and as willow being younger than koa but i've decided to change it lol so, sorry! no song will be used in this but flashbacks from the original one-shot will be in italics, present in normal font and like the original, it'll be written in lowercase. 

willow egan was eight-years-old when she was diagnosed with cancer. she already wasn't considerd a "normal kid" because of who were parents, kian egan and jodi albert are. however, the moment the young girl and her parents heard the news of the heartbreaking diagnosis, they knew exactly how the press and other kids willow's age would react. to the other kids and everyone else, not only did willow's parents and their fame make the girl weird but her new cancer diagnosis made her even weirder and as though she was an exhibit in a museum.

when willow was nine-years-old when her dad and his bandmates were starting their farewell tour before splitting up, there was a moment. during the first of five shows in newcastle, united kingdom, that everyone, including willow herself, thought she wasn't going to make it through the entire day and wake up the next morning. but, she did wake up the next morning. she opened her eyes the next morning and cried out for her daddy who was on stage. in a rage of emotions, georgina bryne, who is the wife of kian's bandmate nicky byrne, rang kian in a frenzy of her own emotions.

thinking the worst, kian was mere seconds away from dropping everything at newcastle's metro arena. that was until he heard the very voice he had thought, imagined, he would never hear again. he then stopped for a moment and took that as his chance to just breathe. his little girl was alive and she was okay.

willow's pov | flashback to cancer diagnosis

i could tell my parents felt like the walls in the doctor's office was closing in on them. they, like me, never imagined to be getting this news. after all, it was just supposed to be just another regular hospital trip for me, eight-year-old willow egan.

whilst i wasn't in the office with my parents, whilst my doctor, dr phelps, told them, i could still hear them. especially when it's realised that the hospital is never as soundproof as one thinks, "...mr egan? kian, did you hear what i just told you?" dr phelps questioned my dad, who until now had never really called him by his first name as dad responded after blinking a couple of times

"no, sorry, what did you say? could you please repeat that?" it was obvious that dad was still so far away from dr phelps' office mentally, doing his best to not tune out a second time since it was important news that dr phelps was telling my parents

"i was saying that, with willow's recent diagnosis of terminal cancer, she can still try chemotherapy and maybe a little bit of radiotherapy but we are not certain that it'll work in the way it usually would if we had seen it earlier..."

ahh, yes, i could see the wheels in my dad's head start to turn as he realised what the conversation was about. his eldest and only daughter, me, had just been diagnosed with terminal cancer and were having a conversation about the roads of treatment for me. and just how successful they could be for a small eight-year-old who had many ailments before this new one. as i watched from the waiting room, i could tell that dad could feel a cry building in his throat, mum also feeling it as well, holding his hand tightly as i knew they both wished they were anywhere but in dr phelps' office at this moment. 

i watched as dad continued the conversation, "...ah, umm, so, theoretically speaking, if our daughter...willow, was to undergo a round or couple of chemotherapy and maybe radiotherapy, how long would you say we'd have her with us, realistically?" dad gulped as i watched the way he fiddled with the scrunched up tissue in his palm as he squeezed mum's hand with his other hand  

dr phelps paused before he continued, "now, mr egan, i really couldn't tell you because this is so new and so late in finding the cancer in willow's system that we truly have no idea how long it could potentially prolong her life but, once the chemo and radiotherapy do start, then we can start estimating things like that..." dr phelps responded as i could tell that dad felt his heart shatter

mum feeling like she was holding all of his heart and hers together. dad's face almost crumbling as he then turned away from the dr when he caught a glimpse of me. which i quickly turned my head to make it seem as though i was in conversation with my uncles nicky and shane, who had lovingly put their hands up to take care of me whilst uncle mark put his hand up to take care of my baby brother, koa.

hesitating to turn his head back around, he quickly did so before continuing on, making me turn to look back at my parents and dr phelps, "...she doesn't deserve this..." hearing my dad so heartbroken and his voice so croaky from his tears was not something i'd ever heard before as he brought his tissue up to cover his face, mum comforting him whilst dr phelps sighed solemnly 

"...no, she doesn't kian, no one her age does. she's so young but, unfortunately, these things happen and it's absolutely cruel but i promise, we'll do everything we can to make sure your little girl has the best chance of surviving and beating her cancer since she was so strong during all of her other surgeries and ailments," dr phelps was confident in the idea that once again, i was going to survive another diagnosis

but heartbreakingly, i could tell mum and dad thought otherwise and it seemed as though, in my eyes, i too thought the same thing as my parents.

as mum, dad and dr phelps continued to chat, i silently slipped my hands into both of uncle nicky and uncle shane's hands since i was sat in the middle of them. i was absolutely terrified and it didn't take a genius for uncle nicky and uncle shane to figure it out either and the looks we shared with each other weren't as helpful as we hoped they'd be. 

present time

as i remebered the day i was diagnosed, i remembered that i didn't cry like i had imagined myself i would have. because if you know my family well, most especially my dad as well as my uncle shane, we're literally the definition of crybabies. like, to the point where it's been mentioned in interviews before that my dad is so emotional that he cries at the opening of a hat and that uncle shane is very similar that is also a crier. so the fact i didn't cry after my cancer diagnosis is something i'm just realising years later at nearly nineteen years old and that's insane to me. completely insane because at eighteen, nearly nineteen, i'm still the crybaby that i was until my cancer diagnosis.

right now, i was hanging out with my younger brother koa. he was only a literal baby when i was going through the cancer and it's something that he genuinely does not remember well. i have been told though that there are times that he does have vague memories and it makes him really upset and panicky. but what makes him upset and panicky is because he can't remember everything about it, only small little pieces of it. since then, we've added two more egan's to the pack and they are two little boys, zekey and cobi. zekey in 2014 and cobi the most recent in 2018. but, going back to hanging out with koa, we were literally just getting ready to head out for a surf since i could drive and had my own car now. and, because of that, i could drive us down since both mum and dad were at work, nan (dad's mum) taking care of the other two boys for the day. everything was completely fine and happy as koa and i got ready separately (obviously) but, as i was taking a bit longer, koa had knocked on my door to check in on me. i was no longer fine and happy. as i slipped on my bikini and reached up to grab my wetsuit, i had caught a glimpse of all my scars and my porthole where i would get my chemo put in. it was really the first time i had seen it since i had been named in remission and by every technicality, cancer-free. and i hadn't realised how traumatising and ugly the scars and porthole actually was until this moment. the moment which i actually took a moment to stop and look at it after actively avoiding my glance from it for so many years.

and i cried.

i cried my eyes out nearly nine whole years after my initial diagnosis. 

i hadn't cried this much or this hard i don't think since i had told aunty georgina, uncle nicky's wife, that i thought i was going to die during the first show in newcastle of westlife's farewell tour. and obviously, hearing koa knock on my door meant that he had heard me break down into tears. and usually, similar to dad and mum, but especialy dad, i'd usually try to hide it in front of my brothers, especially koa. but, this time, i just couldn't. not because i couldn't control my tears but because i needed to stop hiding my emotions from my younger brothers.

after his knock, i heard his voice and it made me smile, "...you okay willow?" he asked as i tearfully giggled, wiping my hand underneath my nose

"you can come in if that's what you're asking koa, my door's unlocked," i tearfully chuckled as i turned away slightly from the door and looked back at myself in my full-length mirror

i then heard my door slightly creek open as koa walked in. he then noticed me in the mirror and his face fell as he saw my tear-stained face. immediately, he rushed over and pulled me in for a hug as he quickly noticed what it was that i was staring at in my reflection. my porthole and other scars being the first thing that started koa's memories of me having cancer whilst he was a baby.

and then, the next thing he said was the utmost sweetest thing in the world and made me cry even more, "don't let those scars upset you anymore, willow. because they're the reason why i can hug my older sister every day! you may think it's ugly but, i don't. i see them as the reason why you're still alive and got to watch me grow up and got to meet zekey and cobi! if it's making you so upset to look at it in your bikini, which i think you great in by the way willow, we don't have to go surfing today if it's making you feel a bit icky to do so. we could just instead go for a walk along the beach and go surfing over the weekend with mum, dad and the boys?" koa sincerely asked as he didn't let me go out of his hug as i smiled, shocked at how this little kid, my little brother was so emotionally intelligent

pulling back out of the hug, tears still streaming down my cheeks but for happier reasons this time, i nodded my head, "that sounds perfect koa, thank you, little man! you are such a sweetheart and i love you so much, buddy. of course, we can go for a walk on the beach and then go surfing with the family over the weekend. i'll just throw some clothes over the top of my bikini and then we can hit the road, that sound okay koa?" i asked after thanking my brother as he nodded his head, swiftly leaving my room without another question as i then threw on a pair of linen pants and a halter crochet top before grabbing my phone

meeting koa downstairs as he handed me a pair of flip flops, my car keys and handbag, we said farewell to our nan and our two younger brothers. we then got into my car and we drove down to the beach at strandhill.

flashback | willow's pov

it was the first of five consecutive shows at the metro arena in newcastle for westlife's farewell tour when i thought i'd not wake up the next day. it was during the day that aunty georgina was looking after me when i genuinely thought my life support machine and my body was going to go awol and that i wasn't going to wake up the next morning. i was aboslutely terrified to close my eyes, worried that if i did, i wouldn't wake up tomorrow. suddenly remembering all the other times i was tired and knowing that i'd wake up the next morning. however, more recently, falling asleep and just closing my eyes has been scary for me.

shaking with worry, i reached over to grab aunty georgina's hand which she immediately grabbed, "what's wrong, love?" she asked without hesitation as i tried to calm down as best as i could

"i...i'm so scared to fall asleep, g. what...what if i don't wake up tomorrow morning?" i whispered fearfully as georgina softened as she held my hand, squeezing it tightly

"oh, darling. don't be scared, i'll stay here, awake with you all night and make sure nothing bad happens to you throughout the night. you are safe sweetpea, aunty georgina's got you!" she whispered as i nodded my head but still didn't want to close my eyes

however, with some more encouragement from aunty georgina and her singing my favourite westlife album, we managed to get me to close my eyes and fall asleep. just hoping, praying, that i was going to be able to open my eyes the next morning.

and i did. i opened my eyes the next morning.

and i cried out for my dad, enough though i knew he wasn't here in ireland.  

and in a flurry of her own emotions, aunty georgina rushed to grab her phone and ring him.

and i just knew he was ready to drop everything, thinking the worst. ready to leave newcastle's metro arena when he heard the one voice i think he also thought, imagined, he wouldn't hear again.

i was still alive.

present time | 2022 

finally, after what felt like forever, and the hell that was the coronavirus pandemic and constant lockdowns, concerts were finally safe enough again to do at full capacity. so, here the entire westife family were at the aviva stadium in dublin and it was an emotional moment, that's for sure. and it wasn't just because we were finally able to have tours and concerts again. but because i was eighteen, an age that no one thought i'd be able to reach because of the cancer that i was now in complete remission from. and, it was also actually the anniversary of my first diagnosis back when i was eight years old and i was now eighteen. so, i just knew that at some point in the show, most likely before or during "you raise me up" that dad was going to talk about it. and then get very emotional over it which would then get me emotional over it all over again.

 and, who would've though, i was correct? however, i did not think it would have my dad inviting me up on stage before "you raise me up" but, in all honesty, i didn't care. i grew up with the westlife fans so i wasn't uncomfortable on the stage so, i went along with it.

smiling, i walked on stage and over to my dad, standing in the middle of him and uncle nico. getting smooshed into a westlife sandwich has honestly always been my favourite thing about having my dad as one of the members. even at the age of eighteen, i still enjoyed all the hugs the same way i did when i was a little kid.

dad then grabbed my hand, grabbing the attention of the entire audience. still giving me a shock at how easily he and my westlife uncles could control the audience. he then introduced his speech before the next song.

"...hey dublin, how are we feeling tonight, alright?!" dad shouted, the same introduction for every single one of his speeches at a westlife concert, making me giggle as the crowd cheered at his question

giving me a smile, he then continues with his second introduction in his speech, which was me, "so, as everyone possibly already knows, this is my eldest child and my only daughter, willow, who is eighteen years old..." he trails off as shock ripples through the crowd which makes us all laugh

and that included me too. because, i truly also sometimes forget that i am eighteen.

"...i know, it's crazy to say i have an eighteen-year-old too so, don't worry, it's just as shocking for me as it is for you guys! but umm, that's not the reason why i invited her on stage. the reason why i invited willow on the stage with us tonight is that, on this very day when she was eight years old, we were told that willow had cancer..." he trailed off as i smiled softly and squeezed his hand tighter as he smiled back, uncle nicky, uncle shane and uncle mark moving closer by as well

taking a deep breath, dad continued, "...and for a while, we didn't think willow would make it through the very beginning, the first show of our five shows in newcastle during our farewell tour back in 2012 after she had turned nine. because, during this time, it seemed as though willow's chemo was not effective anymore. it was during this first show in newcastle of the farewell tour that she thought she wasn't going to wake up the next morning. i remember because like i already mentioned, we were doing the first of five shows in newcastle for our farewell tour in the metro arena and i got a phone call from georgina, nicky's wife. and immediately, i thought she'd be on the other line in absolute hysterics telling me that willow had died but, she hadn't. she had rung me up because willow had woken up and had cried out for me. hearing my daughter's voice that day, just as i was ready to drop everything and leave newcastle for my daughter. to then hear that she was okay and that she was still alive was all i needed to know that she was getting better. and that maybe, just maybe, she'd recover and be okay again..." dad once again trailed off as it started to get way too emotional as i smiled, feeling slightly embarrassed as the crowd stayed in utter silence

which is probably why i felt a little bit uncomfortable at the same time. since, they are usually never, the westlife fans, this quiet when my dad and uncles are on stage.

"...so, for this next song, if we're throwing out some dedications which we always do. even if we don't necessarily say them, i want to dedicate this next song to willow and the rest of our children. this is "you raise me up" please sing it if you know it, dublin!" dad finished introducing and he only had a couple tears streaming down his cheeks as we had a group hug before the song started

i stayed on stage during the whole performance of "you raise me up" and it felt magical looking at all the flashlights shining brightly. they swayed from side-to-side from my vantage point on the stage. having the privilege to even be alive and be in complete remission from my cancer.

then, during the instrumental part of the song, dad raised his microphone to this mouth and spoke up again. revealing some news that we had only just found out this very morning to the point that, i don't even think he had told uncle shane, uncle nicky and uncle mark.

dad smiled brightly as he got everyone's attention as he announced the news, "...this morning, we found out the best news in regards to willow and her cancer. we got told his morning that she is finally in complete remission and has been said that she is cancer-free!" he smiled tearfully as i turned around to see how uncle shane, uncle nicky and uncle mark reacted and it made me teary-eyed

giving me the answer that this was the first time they had been told as well. uncle nicky, uncle shane and uncle mark then rushed over and pulled us in for a group hug in which i started to cry. in pure joy that i was healthy again, my cancer is finally gone and i didn't have to be constantly in the hospital anymore.

the band then finished the rest of the song, singing it directly towards me. we then all rushed off so they could do their quick change before their encore.

~

the show had finally finished and as we relaxed and enjoyed each other's company, i got a notification saying that dad had posted to his instagram. and i just knew instantly what it was he had posted about. he had been saying all day that he had wanted to also make an instagram post, announcing that i was officially in complete remission and cancer-free. so, he did.

liked by willowegan, jodialbert, markusmoments, rokeating, caileano and 7k others

kianegan when willow was eight-years-old, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer, the uncertainty of her survival. however, all these years later and i have an eighteen-year-old, nearly nineteen, who i got to see reach all of her special milestones. like her tenth birthday, her high school graduation, her eighteenth and soon her nineteenth. she also got to see all of her brother's birthdays, all of their births and will be healthy enough to watch them grow up even more and watch them reach their special milestones. my daughter stayed and it is the biggest joy to say that willow is now in complete remission and cancer-free! i love you so much, willow storm egan. and if i had to watch you go through cancer all over again, i would do it. because it reminded me of truly how special and irreplaceable you are. you were me and mummy's first baby and our first daughter. you know we would do everything and anything to make sure you were your happiest, your healthiest and your best. and i truly do believe that this next season in your life, with you cancer-free and no longer in hospitals constantly, you'll be truly successful in every single thing you wish to do with your life! you are such a strong girl and even though you always say it was me, mum and koa as the reasons why you stayed, i truly believe that it was you that made yourself stay. and that it was you that gave you the strength to push through. dad loves you willow, thank you for staying 🤍

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willowegan i love you so much, daddy! i am truly so grateful to be cancer-free! and don't thank me for staying, of course i'd stay 🤍

kianegan willowegan i love you more baby girl and i know you're grateful and so am i 🤍

jodialbert these photos of our little girl! i cannot believe she's nearly nineteen 🤍

kianegan jodialbert i know right? it makes me feel so old, like, we nearly have a nineteen-year-old! 

markusmoments i swear to god, we need to stop telling each other things for the first time on stages! last time that happened, i told you all that layla was a girl! but, in all seriousness, it brings me so much happiness that willow is cancer-free! 

kianegan markusmoments lol, we really do! and it brings me so much happiness as well, getting that phone call from dr phelps was like a dream come true! 

rokeating wow, willow is finally cancer-free! i'm in tears, i cannot believe it! such good news to be heard after all the negativity in the news lately 🤍

kianegan rokeating i know! and trust me, i was crying my eyes out writing this and i still struggle to believe it and i'm glad to be the bearer of happy news after all the negative news 🤍

caileano best news ever, kian! hearing that willow's cancer-free was truly the highlight of the entire evening! 

kianegan caileano i agree! i had moments where i just wanted to scream it out way earlier in the show but i knew i couldn't! 

georginaahernbyrne this is great news kian and jodi! i'm so glad that willow is finally cancer-free! it seems as though that time from eight years old to eighteen/nineteen has been a whirlwind but also somewhat of a fever dream! 

kianegan georginaahernbyrne i know! so am i, it's been a long, windy road but, i'm glad we've finally reached the end of it! 

liked by kianegan, shanefilanofficial, nickybyrneinsta, gillianfilansligo, stormykeating, nicolefilan and 6k others

willowegan life since being cancer-free 🤍

~

being a survivor of childhood cancer, amongst other things throughout my life, i knew i wanted to stay and stay alive the moment i was told i had the "big c". since entering complete remission and getting labelled cancer-free, i've graduated high school, i've travelled back and forth between the uk and ireland. i've turned eighteen, i've gone on nights out with my parents and westlife uncles and aunties. i've gone to concerts with my cousins and i've surfed. i've been able to live my life in ways that i hadn't been able to do in years and i didn't have to worry about the scars, i didn't have to worry about being tired, i didn't have to worry about the fear of simply closing my eyes and if they'd open the next morning. i've been able to take care of and hang out with my three brothers, koa, zekey and cobi, i've seen them grow up, from when koa was a baby when i was first diagnosed to when zekey and cobi came along later on when i was recovering, to their handsome selves now. when i was battling cancer, i couldn't do the things i can do now. i couldn't surf, i couldn't drink (i mean, that was because i was underage the majority of the time), i couldn't go into physical school and had to do it all online when i wasn't violently ill, i couldn't travel back and forth between the uk and ireland. i couldn't have an extravagant ninth or tenth for that matter, and i couldn't go to concerts with my westlife cousins. when i had cancer, i was constantly riddled with the fear and anxiety of not being able to live another day because of how tired, sore and exhausted i was. having to see but also hear your parents, most especially your dad, cry and not being able to help them other than offer a hand or a soft smile for comfort was agonising. the number of times i watched my dad cry as he sat in the same hospital chair over and over again just to make sure i was still breathing through the night is no longer countable since he had done it so many times. the number of times i had to watch my uncles and aunties cry as they also sat and watched to make sure i was still alive throughout the day is immeasurable. thankfully, i didn't have to see my brothers or cousins cry a lot, especially because kian was a baby at the beginning and zekey and cobi weren't around then. neither was gia. but, at the same token, it makes me feel sick to think about the times when zekey, cobi and gia were around that they did cry during my cancer battle and i wasn't there to tell them that everything was going to be okay. but now, whenever they do cry or they are upset, i can be there for them straight away. and it was all because i stayed alive and i didn't let myself have my family go through the agony of having to live without me. because i couldn't do that to them, no way.

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kianegan i love you, more than words can describe willow! you strong, brave girl! 

willowegan kianegan i love you most daddy! and i'm only strong because of you and mum

shanefilanofficial crying my eyes out reading this! 

willowegan shanefilanofficial i cried writing this, believe it or not! 

nickybyrneinsta hearing your dad announce on stage that you're finally cancer-free after completing complete remission is the best news to hear! 

willowegan nickybyrneinsta i genuinely had no idea that he hadn't told you guys yet! so seeing how you three all reacted made me cry! 

gillianfilansligo i'm still screaming over the news that you're finally cancer-free! 

willowegan gillianfilansligo so am i aunty gillian! it's the best feeling ever! 

stormykeating i am so beyond relieved that you are cancer-free, sweet willow! i remember when i first met you when you were just a little baby and now you're a glowing eighteen-year-old 

willowegan stormykeating aw, thank you stormy! i am relieved too and thank you again! 

nicolefilan i'm literally bawling my eyes out! i'm so glad you're cancer-free willow! 

willowegan nicolefilan so am i! i cannot believe it sometimes! 

fin

i do love a happy ending sometimes, i really do!

© amberswilddreams, 2024

[amberjazmyn]

kian egan one-shot

𝓲𝓶𝓪𝓰𝓲𝓷𝓮 - you stayed ("whenever you're ready baby girl" alt ending)

𝔀𝓪𝓻𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓼 - happy ending, girl dad x kian, terminal illness, crying, flashbacks

𝓭𝓮𝓼𝓬𝓻𝓲𝓹𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷 - whilst kian and jodi egan's eldest little girl always seemed to draw the short straw in her life, what if she actually survived and beat her cancer? what if she actually never died after the newcastle shows of the farewell tour? what if she made it to her tenth birthday and every other birthday after that? what if her short straws began to grow back healthy again in the same way she had? what if she got to see her dad's band reunite seven years later?

𝓪𝓾𝓽𝓱𝓸𝓻'𝓼 𝓷𝓸𝓽𝓮 - since writing the original version of this for kian, i decided to write an alternate ending where willow egan doesn't die because i still can't believe i wrote about child loss and she actually survives and sees through what was thought to be the rest of the end of westlife in 2012 and then their reunion in 2019 as a teenager, even though in the original, i have the timeline as this being written during the reunion and as willow being younger than koa but i've decided to change it lol so, sorry! no song will be used in this but flashbacks from the original one-shot will be in italics, present in normal font and like the original, it'll be written in lowercase. 

masterlist

- - -

willow egan was eight-years-old when she was diagnosed with cancer. she already wasn't considerd a "normal kid" because of who were parents, kian egan and jodi albert are. however, the moment the young girl and her parents heard the news of the heartbreaking diagnosis, they knew exactly how the press and other kids willow's age would react. to the other kids and everyone else, not only did willow's parents and their fame make the girl weird but her new cancer diagnosis made her even weirder and as though she was an exhibit in a museum.

when willow was nine-years-old when her dad and his bandmates were starting their farewell tour before splitting up, there was a moment. during the first of five shows in newcastle, united kingdom, that everyone, including willow herself, thought she wasn't going to make it through the entire day and wake up the next morning. but, she did wake up the next morning. she opened her eyes the next morning and cried out for her daddy who was on stage. in a rage of emotions, georgina bryne, who is the wife of kian's bandmate nicky byrne, rang kian in a frenzy of her own emotions.

thinking the worst, kian was mere seconds away from dropping everything at newcastle's metro arena. that was until he heard the very voice he had thought, imagined, he would never hear again. he then stopped for a moment and took that as his chance to just breathe. his little girl was alive and she was okay.

willow's pov | flashback to cancer diagnosis

i could tell my parents felt like the walls in the doctor's office was closing in on them. they, like me, never imagined to be getting this news. after all, it was just supposed to be just another regular hospital trip for me, eight-year-old willow egan.

whilst i wasn't in the office with my parents, whilst my doctor, dr phelps, told them, i could still hear them. especially when it's realised that the hospital is never as soundproof as one thinks, "...mr egan? kian, did you hear what i just told you?" dr phelps questioned my dad, who until now had never really called him by his first name as dad responded after blinking a couple of times

"no, sorry, what did you say? could you please repeat that?" it was obvious that dad was still so far away from dr phelps' office mentally, doing his best to not tune out a second time since it was important news that dr phelps was telling my parents

"i was saying that, with willow's recent diagnosis of terminal cancer, she can still try chemotherapy and maybe a little bit of radiotherapy but we are not certain that it'll work in the way it usually would if we had seen it earlier..."

ahh, yes, i could see the wheels in my dad's head start to turn as he realised what the conversation was about. his eldest and only daughter, me, had just been diagnosed with terminal cancer and were having a conversation about the roads of treatment for me. and just how successful they could be for a small eight-year-old who had many ailments before this new one. as i watched from the waiting room, i could tell that dad could feel a cry building in his throat, mum also feeling it as well, holding his hand tightly as i knew they both wished they were anywhere but in dr phelps' office at this moment. 

i watched as dad continued the conversation, "...ah, umm, so, theoretically speaking, if our daughter...willow, was to undergo a round or couple of chemotherapy and maybe radiotherapy, how long would you say we'd have her with us, realistically?" dad gulped as i watched the way he fiddled with the scrunched up tissue in his palm as he squeezed mum's hand with his other hand  

dr phelps paused before he continued, "now, mr egan, i really couldn't tell you because this is so new and so late in finding the cancer in willow's system that we truly have no idea how long it could potentially prolong her life but, once the chemo and radiotherapy do start, then we can start estimating things like that..." dr phelps responded as i could tell that dad felt his heart shatter

mum feeling like she was holding all of his heart and hers together. dad's face almost crumbling as he then turned away from the dr when he caught a glimpse of me. which i quickly turned my head to make it seem as though i was in conversation with my uncles nicky and shane, who had lovingly put their hands up to take care of me whilst uncle mark put his hand up to take care of my baby brother, koa.

hesitating to turn his head back around, he quickly did so before continuing on, making me turn to look back at my parents and dr phelps, "...she doesn't deserve this..." hearing my dad so heartbroken and his voice so croaky from his tears was not something i'd ever heard before as he brought his tissue up to cover his face, mum comforting him whilst dr phelps sighed solemnly 

"...no, she doesn't kian, no one her age does. she's so young but, unfortunately, these things happen and it's absolutely cruel but i promise, we'll do everything we can to make sure your little girl has the best chance of surviving and beating her cancer since she was so strong during all of her other surgeries and ailments," dr phelps was confident in the idea that once again, i was going to survive another diagnosis

but heartbreakingly, i could tell mum and dad thought otherwise and it seemed as though, in my eyes, i too thought the same thing as my parents.

as mum, dad and dr phelps continued to chat, i silently slipped my hands into both of uncle nicky and uncle shane's hands since i was sat in the middle of them. i was absolutely terrified and it didn't take a genius for uncle nicky and uncle shane to figure it out either and the looks we shared with each other weren't as helpful as we hoped they'd be. 

present time

as i remebered the day i was diagnosed, i remembered that i didn't cry like i had imagined myself i would have. because if you know my family well, most especially my dad as well as my uncle shane, we're literally the definition of crybabies. like, to the point where it's been mentioned in interviews before that my dad is so emotional that he cries at the opening of a hat and that uncle shane is very similar that is also a crier. so the fact i didn't cry after my cancer diagnosis is something i'm just realising years later at nearly nineteen years old and that's insane to me. completely insane because at eighteen, nearly nineteen, i'm still the crybaby that i was until my cancer diagnosis.

right now, i was hanging out with my younger brother koa. he was only a literal baby when i was going through the cancer and it's something that he genuinely does not remember well. i have been told though that there are times that he does have vague memories and it makes him really upset and panicky. but what makes him upset and panicky is because he can't remember everything about it, only small little pieces of it. since then, we've added two more egan's to the pack and they are two little boys, zekey and cobi. zekey in 2014 and cobi the most recent in 2018. but, going back to hanging out with koa, we were literally just getting ready to head out for a surf since i could drive and had my own car now. and, because of that, i could drive us down since both mum and dad were at work, nan (dad's mum) taking care of the other two boys for the day. everything was completely fine and happy as koa and i got ready separately (obviously) but, as i was taking a bit longer, koa had knocked on my door to check in on me. i was no longer fine and happy. as i slipped on my bikini and reached up to grab my wetsuit, i had caught a glimpse of all my scars and my porthole where i would get my chemo put in. it was really the first time i had seen it since i had been named in remission and by every technicality, cancer-free. and i hadn't realised how traumatising and ugly the scars and porthole actually was until this moment. the moment which i actually took a moment to stop and look at it after actively avoiding my glance from it for so many years.

and i cried.

i cried my eyes out nearly nine whole years after my initial diagnosis. 

i hadn't cried this much or this hard i don't think since i had told aunty georgina, uncle nicky's wife, that i thought i was going to die during the first show in newcastle of westlife's farewell tour. and obviously, hearing koa knock on my door meant that he had heard me break down into tears. and usually, similar to dad and mum, but especialy dad, i'd usually try to hide it in front of my brothers, especially koa. but, this time, i just couldn't. not because i couldn't control my tears but because i needed to stop hiding my emotions from my younger brothers.

after his knock, i heard his voice and it made me smile, "...you okay willow?" he asked as i tearfully giggled, wiping my hand underneath my nose

"you can come in if that's what you're asking koa, my door's unlocked," i tearfully chuckled as i turned away slightly from the door and looked back at myself in my full-length mirror

i then heard my door slightly creek open as koa walked in. he then noticed me in the mirror and his face fell as he saw my tear-stained face. immediately, he rushed over and pulled me in for a hug as he quickly noticed what it was that i was staring at in my reflection. my porthole and other scars being the first thing that started koa's memories of me having cancer whilst he was a baby.

and then, the next thing he said was the utmost sweetest thing in the world and made me cry even more, "don't let those scars upset you anymore, willow. because they're the reason why i can hug my older sister every day! you may think it's ugly but, i don't. i see them as the reason why you're still alive and got to watch me grow up and got to meet zekey and cobi! if it's making you so upset to look at it in your bikini, which i think you great in by the way willow, we don't have to go surfing today if it's making you feel a bit icky to do so. we could just instead go for a walk along the beach and go surfing over the weekend with mum, dad and the boys?" koa sincerely asked as he didn't let me go out of his hug as i smiled, shocked at how this little kid, my little brother was so emotionally intelligent

pulling back out of the hug, tears still streaming down my cheeks but for happier reasons this time, i nodded my head, "that sounds perfect koa, thank you, little man! you are such a sweetheart and i love you so much, buddy. of course, we can go for a walk on the beach and then go surfing with the family over the weekend. i'll just throw some clothes over the top of my bikini and then we can hit the road, that sound okay koa?" i asked after thanking my brother as he nodded his head, swiftly leaving my room without another question as i then threw on a pair of linen pants and a halter crochet top before grabbing my phone

meeting koa downstairs as he handed me a pair of flip flops, my car keys and handbag, we said farewell to our nan and our two younger brothers. we then got into my car and we drove down to the beach at strandhill.

flashback | willow's pov

it was the first of five consecutive shows at the metro arena in newcastle for westlife's farewell tour when i thought i'd not wake up the next day. it was during the day that aunty georgina was looking after me when i genuinely thought my life support machine and my body was going to go awol and that i wasn't going to wake up the next morning. i was aboslutely terrified to close my eyes, worried that if i did, i wouldn't wake up tomorrow. suddenly remembering all the other times i was tired and knowing that i'd wake up the next morning. however, more recently, falling asleep and just closing my eyes has been scary for me.

shaking with worry, i reached over to grab aunty georgina's hand which she immediately grabbed, "what's wrong, love?" she asked without hesitation as i tried to calm down as best as i could

"i...i'm so scared to fall asleep, g. what...what if i don't wake up tomorrow morning?" i whispered fearfully as georgina softened as she held my hand, squeezing it tightly

"oh, darling. don't be scared, i'll stay here, awake with you all night and make sure nothing bad happens to you throughout the night. you are safe sweetpea, aunty georgina's got you!" she whispered as i nodded my head but still didn't want to close my eyes

however, with some more encouragement from aunty georgina and her singing my favourite westlife album, we managed to get me to close my eyes and fall asleep. just hoping, praying, that i was going to be able to open my eyes the next morning.

and i did. i opened my eyes the next morning.

and i cried out for my dad, enough though i knew he wasn't here in ireland.  

and in a flurry of her own emotions, aunty georgina rushed to grab her phone and ring him.

and i just knew he was ready to drop everything, thinking the worst. ready to leave newcastle's metro arena when he heard the one voice i think he also thought, imagined, he wouldn't hear again.

i was still alive.

present time | 2022 

finally, after what felt like forever, and the hell that was the coronavirus pandemic and constant lockdowns, concerts were finally safe enough again to do at full capacity. so, here the entire westife family were at the aviva stadium in dublin and it was an emotional moment, that's for sure. and it wasn't just because we were finally able to have tours and concerts again. but because i was eighteen, an age that no one thought i'd be able to reach because of the cancer that i was now in complete remission from. and, it was also actually the anniversary of my first diagnosis back when i was eight years old and i was now eighteen. so, i just knew that at some point in the show, most likely before or during "you raise me up" that dad was going to talk about it. and then get very emotional over it which would then get me emotional over it all over again.

 and, who would've though, i was correct? however, i did not think it would have my dad inviting me up on stage before "you raise me up" but, in all honesty, i didn't care. i grew up with the westlife fans so i wasn't uncomfortable on the stage so, i went along with it.

smiling, i walked on stage and over to my dad, standing in the middle of him and uncle nico. getting smooshed into a westlife sandwich has honestly always been my favourite thing about having my dad as one of the members. even at the age of eighteen, i still enjoyed all the hugs the same way i did when i was a little kid.

dad then grabbed my hand, grabbing the attention of the entire audience. still giving me a shock at how easily he and my westlife uncles could control the audience. he then introduced his speech before the next song.

"...hey dublin, how are we feeling tonight, alright?!" dad shouted, the same introduction for every single one of his speeches at a westlife concert, making me giggle as the crowd cheered at his question

giving me a smile, he then continues with his second introduction in his speech, which was me, "so, as everyone possibly already knows, this is my eldest child and my only daughter, willow, who is eighteen years old..." he trails off as shock ripples through the crowd which makes us all laugh

and that included me too. because, i truly also sometimes forget that i am eighteen.

"...i know, it's crazy to say i have an eighteen-year-old too so, don't worry, it's just as shocking for me as it is for you guys! but umm, that's not the reason why i invited her on stage. the reason why i invited willow on the stage with us tonight is that, on this very day when she was eight years old, we were told that willow had cancer..." he trailed off as i smiled softly and squeezed his hand tighter as he smiled back, uncle nicky, uncle shane and uncle mark moving closer by as well

taking a deep breath, dad continued, "...and for a while, we didn't think willow would make it through the very beginning, the first show of our five shows in newcastle during our farewell tour back in 2012 after she had turned nine. because, during this time, it seemed as though willow's chemo was not effective anymore. it was during this first show in newcastle of the farewell tour that she thought she wasn't going to wake up the next morning. i remember because like i already mentioned, we were doing the first of five shows in newcastle for our farewell tour in the metro arena and i got a phone call from georgina, nicky's wife. and immediately, i thought she'd be on the other line in absolute hysterics telling me that willow had died but, she hadn't. she had rung me up because willow had woken up and had cried out for me. hearing my daughter's voice that day, just as i was ready to drop everything and leave newcastle for my daughter. to then hear that she was okay and that she was still alive was all i needed to know that she was getting better. and that maybe, just maybe, she'd recover and be okay again..." dad once again trailed off as it started to get way too emotional as i smiled, feeling slightly embarrassed as the crowd stayed in utter silence

which is probably why i felt a little bit uncomfortable at the same time. since, they are usually never, the westlife fans, this quiet when my dad and uncles are on stage.

"...so, for this next song, if we're throwing out some dedications which we always do. even if we don't necessarily say them, i want to dedicate this next song to willow and the rest of our children. this is "you raise me up" please sing it if you know it, dublin!" dad finished introducing and he only had a couple tears streaming down his cheeks as we had a group hug before the song started

i stayed on stage during the whole performance of "you raise me up" and it felt magical looking at all the flashlights shining brightly. they swayed from side-to-side from my vantage point on the stage. having the privilege to even be alive and be in complete remission from my cancer.

then, during the instrumental part of the song, dad raised his microphone to this mouth and spoke up again. revealing some news that we had only just found out this very morning to the point that, i don't even think he had told uncle shane, uncle nicky and uncle mark.

dad smiled brightly as he got everyone's attention as he announced the news, "...this morning, we found out the best news in regards to willow and her cancer. we got told his morning that she is finally in complete remission and has been said that she is cancer-free!" he smiled tearfully as i turned around to see how uncle shane, uncle nicky and uncle mark reacted and it made me teary-eyed

giving me the answer that this was the first time they had been told as well. uncle nicky, uncle shane and uncle mark then rushed over and pulled us in for a group hug in which i started to cry. in pure joy that i was healthy again, my cancer is finally gone and i didn't have to be constantly in the hospital anymore.

the band then finished the rest of the song, singing it directly towards me. we then all rushed off so they could do their quick change before their encore.

~

the show had finally finished and as we relaxed and enjoyed each other's company, i got a notification saying that dad had posted to his instagram. and i just knew instantly what it was he had posted about. he had been saying all day that he had wanted to also make an instagram post, announcing that i was officially in complete remission and cancer-free. so, he did.

liked by willowegan, jodialbert, markusmoments, rokeating, caileano and 777k others

kianegan when willow was eight-years-old, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer, the uncertainty of her survival. however, all these years later and i have an eighteen-year-old, nearly nineteen, who i got to see reach all of her special milestones. like her tenth birthday, her high school graduation, her eighteenth and soon her nineteenth. she also got to see all of her brother's birthdays, all of their births and will be healthy enough to watch them grow up even more and watch them reach their special milestones. my daughter stayed and it is the biggest joy to say that willow is now in complete remission and cancer-free! i love you so much, willow storm egan. and if i had to watch you go through cancer all over again, i would do it. because it reminded me of truly how special and irreplaceable you are. you were me and mummy's first baby and our first daughter. you know we would do everything and anything to make sure you were your happiest, your healthiest and your best. and i truly do believe that this next season in your life, with you cancer-free and no longer in hospitals constantly, you'll be truly successful in every single thing you wish to do with your life! you are such a strong girl and even though you always say it was me, mum and koa as the reasons why you stayed, i truly believe that it was you that made yourself stay. and that it was you that gave you the strength to push through. dad loves you willow, thank you for staying 🤍

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willowegan i love you so much, daddy! i am truly so grateful to be cancer-free! and don't thank me for staying, of course i'd stay 🤍

kianegan willowegan i love you more baby girl and i know you're grateful and so am i 🤍

jodialbert these photos of our little girl! i cannot believe she's nearly nineteen 🤍

kianegan jodialbert i know right? it makes me feel so old, like, we nearly have a nineteen-year-old! 

markusmoments i swear to god, we need to stop telling each other things for the first time on stages! last time that happened, i told you all that layla was a girl! but, in all seriousness, it brings me so much happiness that willow is cancer-free! 

kianegan markusmoments lol, we really do! and it brings me so much happiness as well, getting that phone call from dr phelps was like a dream come true! 

rokeating wow, willow is finally cancer-free! i'm in tears, i cannot believe it! such good news to be heard after all the negativity in the news lately 🤍

kianegan rokeating i know! and trust me, i was crying my eyes out writing this and i still struggle to believe it and i'm glad to be the bearer of happy news after all the negative news 🤍

caileano best news ever, kian! hearing that willow's cancer-free was truly the highlight of the entire evening! 

kianegan caileano i agree! i had moments where i just wanted to scream it out way earlier in the show but i knew i couldn't! 

georginaahernbyrne this is great news kian and jodi! i'm so glad that willow is finally cancer-free! it seems as though that time from eight years old to eighteen/nineteen has been a whirlwind but also somewhat of a fever dream! 

kianegan georginaahernbyrne i know! so am i, it's been a long, windy road but, i'm glad we've finally reached the end of it! 

liked by kianegan, shanefilanofficial, nickybyrneinsta, gillianfilansligo, stormykeating, nicolefilan and 777k others

willowegan life since being cancer-free 🤍

~

being a survivor of childhood cancer, amongst other things throughout my life, i knew i wanted to stay and stay alive the moment i was told i had the "big c". since entering complete remission and getting labelled cancer-free, i've graduated high school, i've travelled back and forth between the uk and ireland. i've turned eighteen, i've gone on nights out with my parents and westlife uncles and aunties. i've gone to concerts with my cousins and i've surfed. i've been able to live my life in ways that i hadn't been able to do in years and i didn't have to worry about the scars, i didn't have to worry about being tired, i didn't have to worry about the fear of simply closing my eyes and if they'd open the next morning. i've been able to take care of and hang out with my three brothers, koa, zekey and cobi, i've seen them grow up, from when koa was a baby when i was first diagnosed to when zekey and cobi came along later on when i was recovering, to their handsome selves now. when i was battling cancer, i couldn't do the things i can do now. i couldn't surf, i couldn't drink (i mean, that was because i was underage the majority of the time), i couldn't go into physical school and had to do it all online when i wasn't violently ill, i couldn't travel back and forth between the uk and ireland. i couldn't have an extravagant ninth or tenth for that matter, and i couldn't go to concerts with my westlife cousins. when i had cancer, i was constantly riddled with the fear and anxiety of not being able to live another day because of how tired, sore and exhausted i was. having to see but also hear your parents, most especially your dad, cry and not being able to help them other than offer a hand or a soft smile for comfort was agonising. the number of times i watched my dad cry as he sat in the same hospital chair over and over again just to make sure i was still breathing through the night is no longer countable since he had done it so many times. the number of times i had to watch my uncles and aunties cry as they also sat and watched to make sure i was still alive throughout the day is immeasurable. thankfully, i didn't have to see my brothers or cousins cry a lot, especially because kian was a baby at the beginning and zekey and cobi weren't around then. neither was gia. but, at the same token, it makes me feel sick to think about the times when zekey, cobi and gia were around that they did cry during my cancer battle and i wasn't there to tell them that everything was going to be okay. but now, whenever they do cry or they are upset, i can be there for them straight away. and it was all because i stayed alive and i didn't let myself have my family go through the agony of having to live without me. because i couldn't do that to them, no way.

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kianegan i love you, more than words can describe willow! you strong, brave girl! 

willowegan kianegan i love you most daddy! and i'm only strong because of you and mum

shanefilanofficial crying my eyes out reading this! 

willowegan shanefilanofficial i cried writing this, believe it or not! 

nickybyrneinsta hearing your dad announce on stage that you're finally cancer-free after completing complete remission is the best news to hear! 

willowegan nickybyrneinsta i genuinely had no idea that he hadn't told you guys yet! so seeing how you three all reacted made me cry! 

gillianfilansligo i'm still screaming over the news that you're finally cancer-free! 

willowegan gillianfilansligo so am i aunty gillian! it's the best feeling ever! 

stormykeating i am so beyond relieved that you are cancer-free, sweet willow! i remember when i first met you when you were just a little baby and now you're a glowing eighteen-year-old 

willowegan stormykeating aw, thank you stormy! i am relieved too and thank you again! 

nicolefilan i'm literally bawling my eyes out! i'm so glad you're cancer-free willow! 

willowegan nicolefilan so am i! i cannot believe it sometimes! 

- - - 

this was so much fun to write and i am so glad i got to give it a happy ending when the original was so depressing and yes, i know i fucked up the timeline when i originally wrote it on wattpad but, i don't care cause what if this is the one i'm calling canon and the original is the alternate ending? nah jokes, i didn't realise i fucked up the timeline until about halfway through and decided to stick with the changed timeline until i fixed it over here on tumblr! 

ok ily bye xx

wc; 5280

[ao3feed-thundershield]

When I Imagine You in Front of Me, I Wake Up Right at the Moment of Kissing You

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/VJfhWRi

by Anonymous

Tired of Natasha’s insistence on pairing him with someone, Steve gets a truce when he gets her to accept going on a date with someone of his choosing. And of course now Steve has to find the perfect date for him, that seems to be no other than the man he is in love with.

Words: 4055, Chapters: 3/4, Language: English

Fandoms: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: Multi

Characters: Steve Rogers, Thor (Marvel), Natasha Romanov (Marvel)

Relationships: Steve Rogers/Thor, Steve Rogers/Natasha Romanov/Thor

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Between Avengers (2012) and Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Avengers Tower, Matchmaking, Male-Female Friendship, Unrealized pining, Trust, Insecurity, Dating, First Kiss, POV Alternating

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/VJfhWRi

[tgmsunmontue]

Online & Anonymous 9/16

Hangster. Explicit. Years before they meet in person Bradley and Jake strike up a friends-with-benefits relationship online. And then something more like an actual relationship.

Odd year = Bradley's POV and Even year = Jake's POV

>>Bradley chatting (bold and italics)

>>Jake chatting (italics)

2005/2006 2007 2008 2009 2010 2011 2012 2013

2014 – Jake

                Jake looks at the dates Nick has said he’s on leave and looks at his own calendar and scowls. It’s getting beyond a joke now and he feels like kicking something. Instead he goes for a long run, feet pounding the pavement in frustration. There’s nothing, not even a few days. Of course plans can change rapidly, which is what fucked them over in the past, so maybe it will act in their favor this time. He can only hope.

…            …            …

>>You know, with Taylor Swift’s new album I could put 1989 back in my username and everyone would assume I was just a fan.

>>You know who Taylor Swift is?

>>I’m a country fan. I like her older stuff.

>>Also I don’t live under a rock.

>>Old man.

>>Like you can talk.

>>You had your original birth year as 1986, you trying to make yourself younger now huh?

                Jake lets out a laugh, because this right here is how he knows he’s still talking to the same guy he started chatting to nearly ten years ago.

>>Nick, I’m thirty soon. That’s the age gay men die.

>>I’ll have a wake.

>>Bullshit. Don’t buy into that.

>>Life isn’t over when you magically turn 30.

>>Life just gets better. That’s how I feel anyway. Got my best years ahead of me.

>>Also I’m over thirty and I’m not chatting with you from my grave.

>>You might be. How would I know?

>>I might be dead by the time we actually get to meet the rate our luck is going.

…            …            …

                He knows the year is going to be a complete write-off when he enters the rec-room and Bradley Bradshaw is sitting there chatting with Omaha and Slipper. He can’t help but notice the two bars and tries to not let it bug him, knows it’s barely any distinction but it still rankles. As does the rejection, which is months ago now, it hadn’t been a stinging rejection by any stretch of the imagination, but it had definitely been a shutting down of anything, and those two-bars will be another reason or excuse Bradshaw will throw out there if Jake tries his luck again.

                Not that he will. He does note that Bradshaw hadn’t said he wasn’t gay, which is usually the first thing out of a straight man’s mouth when he’s asked out for a drink. Unless he’s completely oblivious, and if he’s being uncharitable then maybe he can think that Bradshaw is oblivious. But while he might not have taken Jake up on the offer of a drink, he’d been very quick to take Bambi out to dinner and then take her back to his place, where she’d spent the night. He’d thought he’d caught Bradshaw looking, but he wonders if it was just wishful thinking. Part of him wishes he was ignorant about all of it, but their base housing had all been too close for him not to notice.

                And now here he is.

                Stuck on a carrier with him for the next few months.

                And the fucker has gone and grown a fucking moustache.

…            …            …

                Fortunately Bradshaw seems to be content to keep his distance from Jake, almost like he’s wary of him; he also isn’t friendly, not like he is with nearly everyone else. Jake isn’t an idiot, he can extrapolate from that that Bradshaw doesn’t like him. He already suspected that was the case, and it rankles a little, but he tries to remind himself that not everyone has to like him. Something both Nick and Javy tell him. They’re in different squads, so fortunately the mutual avoiding each other is fairly straightforward.

                What does amuse him though is that Bradshaw has picked up a new callsign, Rooster, and the fact that he knows the origin makes him smirk every time he sees it on his helmet or flight suit. That probably doesn’t help endear him to the other man either, but Jake will keep his fairly benign callsign until someone gives him another one, or he does something either stupid or brave to earn one. He keeps up his Snapchat photo streak with Nick, although he does note the change of background of the morning coffee cup. Looks like every other fucking coffee cup on every naval carrier in the fleet.

                He looks up how many people are currently serving in the Navy and pulls a face at the number. 319,120. He’s one, and Nick is another. He supposes he should feel lucky that he at least knows Nick is Navy, because there are 1.35 million in the US military combined, which is an even more mind-boggling number when he tries to think about possibly of somehow just randomly bumping into Nick.

                Stranger things have happened though.

…            …            …

                “You don’t like me.”

                “I don’t know you,” Bradshaw replies, face bland and Jake responds with an equally bland smile.

                “And who’s fault is that?”

                He walks out of the rec room.

…            …            …

                He rings Javy to complain the next time they have shore leave, and for his credit Javy just lets him rant for a solid five or ten minutes before he tries to interject with anything.

                “Okay man. He really seems to get under your skin. I don’t know what to tell you, because I haven’t had any issues with him. He’s been… cool. He’s pretty chill and laid back, at least with all my interactions with him. Is there anything that you could have done that maybe annoyed him? More than just work shit that is…”

                “Oh. Uh.”

                “Jake… what’d you do?”

                “I asked him out?”

                “Seriously? With the whole attitude you gave him while we were at Top Gun you thought he’d say yes?”

                “I figured it couldn’t hurt to try.”

                “Well, I’m pretty sure he’s got something serious going with someone, at least, that’s what I’ve heard.”

                “Bunch of fucking gossips…”

                “Yeah well.”

                He suspects Javy has got his intel from Natasha Trace, and if that’s the case then it’s probably solid and correct. He doesn’t know what to think when he pairs that with the idea of Bradshaw having something serious but also having Bambi sleepover at the end of their Top Gun detachment. Unless the something serious is Bambi, which is also possible. Huh. He doesn’t say anything else though, because he doesn’t want to care anymore about Bradley fucking Bradshaw than he already does, annoying asshole. He does feel like he’s been a bit of a dick himself though, his comment he made about the fault being his that they don’t know each other. Jake isn’t usually that defensive, knows it’s got to be because Bradshaw turned him down, but he has to respect the guy if he does have something going with someone, because Jake wouldn’t have known, likely wouldn’t have ever found out, and he knows plenty of guys do.

                Too late to do anything about it now though.

…            …            …

>>You still out there having shitty sex?

>>Hey now.

>>I don’t go looking for bad sex.

>>It just happens to me.

>>You clearly have a gift.

>>Wow.

>>Thanks man.

>>Truly I am blessed.

>>You want a picture to cheer yourself up?

                Jake can’t type his reply fast enough, the pictures and videos that Nick sends him few and far between but so good, and he’s starting to develop a thing for long fingers. Especially when they’re wrapped around a cock, and he’s mentioned to Nick that the idea of Nick’s hand wrapping around both of them gets him hot. The picture that comes through is gorgeous, Nick reclining and the picture down the length of his body, one leg stretched straight, the other bent, his cock hard in his hand as he jerks himself. The lighting is warm, like it was taken at either sunset or sunrise, all pink and peach hues. They’ve both improved in taking pictures, and he takes a screenshot so he can stare at it properly later rather than getting flustered about the time bar getting smaller.

>>Saw you take that screenshot.

>>What are you going to do about it?

>>Nothing. Just letting you know that I know you’re going to jerk off to it more than once.

>>Yep.

>>Going to work myself over thinking about getting my mouth on you, sinking down on your cock.

>>I can’t exactly take toys with me when I’m deployed, but I can finger myself and imagine that it’s you.

>>God Jas. Send me a picture?

>>Sure thing.

…            …            …

                Bradley and his squadron leave the carrier after four months and Jake wishes he was leaving as well. Nick has leave soon, it would line up beautifully, but he’s got another three months of this deployment, and then he has four weeks of leave, but Nick is meant to be deployed again by then. The tide has not magically turned in their favor and lined up their leaves and he keeps his most bitter disappointment to himself.

…            …            …

>>Well, you aren’t the only one having shitty sex. Man some guys are dicks.

>>What happened ? Or should I not ask?”

>>Just a hook up. Blew the guy and he didn’t even reciprocate. Tried to give me a handjob but he wasn’t even trying or into it.

>>That doesn’t seem fair?

>>Well, it’s not always fair, but I’d kind of gone in hoping for reciprocation as a bare minimum. Ah well. Can only go up from here.

2015

[acefiree]

𝗯𝗮𝘆! 𝗹𝗲𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗿𝗱𝗼 | cuddly teddy bear ⁽ ² ⁾

Leonardo ✷ Alaska ( pining friends ) MASTERLIST 2012! – BAYVERSE!

ᕦ(๏益๏)ᕥ: cringe humor, third pov, turtle anatomy, pining like a damn idiot, Raph being the big softy we know he is, spidergirl persona, all characters are 18+, NSFW scenes, and Leo being a fucking simp. wordcount: 1565

⁽ ¹ ⁾ ... ⁽ ³ ⁾ , ⁽ ⁴ ⁾

"HAVE YA' ATE TODAY?" Raphael questioned, his Brooklyn accent bleeding through his deep voice. He stood in the threshold of the bedroom as his eyes observed the small ebony-haired twenty-year-old carefully. To anyone else, his tone would have come off as rude, and seemingly irritated. But to Alaska, she heard the underlying concern.

Guilt festered in her chest for only a moment as she figured the red-banded turtle was worried for her health again, and she felt herself wanting to shy away from his observing eyes. She took a moment to answer, leaning forward in the old chair that was resting beside the bed as her elbows found a spot on her knees.

Honestly, she didn’t feel hungry and no, she hadn’t eaten yet, and it wasn’t like she was trying to starve herself; she just didn’t have an appetite.

“Donnie brought me a pop-tart,” she told him without looking back, and it wasn’t a lie. Early that morning, at the butt-crack-ass of dawn, the purple-wielding turtle had busted into the room as if he were on a mission, practically forcing the sugary snack down her throat along with a glass of milk.

She was still traumatized by the events that took place.

Raph was silent for a moment, eyes trying to see her face to look for any indication of her lying before he asked, "When was that?"

Damn, persistent ass turtle. She thought as she kept her gaze locked on Leo as if staring would somehow magically wake him up. “Um..I dunno,” She lied to him, knowing if she was to tell the truth, he’d drag her from the leader's side and she couldn’t have that.

He let out a gruff grunt "Fine. I'll ask Don—"

"Oh my god—this morning!" Alaska was quick to snap, her face pinching in annoyance as she swiveled around in the chair to face him. “Are ya’ happy now?”

Raphael couldn’t stop the twitch from his lips as she gave him her normal attitude, “Yep,” he answered, an award-winning smirk now growing as his perfectly sharp white teeth peeked out from between his scarred lips. Even though he was wearing his usual confidence, Alaska could still see the underlined concern in his gaze as he assessed the dark circles under her eyes.

She turned away from his stare once more, hoping Raphael would just buzz off and leave her alone so she could watch over Leo in peace before having to train. She should have known better though, because just as she settled back into her seat, large hands were placed under her arms and her body was suddenly levitating as she was placed over the edge of a very familiar chipped shell.

"Raphael Hamato put me down!" She screeched in a pitched voice, sounding like a knock-off pterodactyl as she kicked her legs in an attempt for him to drop her. She knew if she really wanted to, she could overpower the turtle and escape, but she didn't want to risk hurting him.

The terrapin only chuckled, tightening his grip around her thighs as he bent through the doorway to make sure she didn't hit her head as he kidnapped her. "Would ya' stop squirmin' before I drop your ass,"

"That's the damn plan you big oof!"

He didn't reply to her words, but she could feel the vibration of his chuckle through his carapace as he walked down the stairs and took her to the dining area, placing her in a chair like a fucking baby. She frowned at him with narrowed eyes, her arms folding over her chest as she watched him go to the icebox and pull out some leftovers from the night before.

"Raph, I'm a grown woman, I don't need to be fed like a baby." She reminded the turtled as he fixed a plate and placed it in the microwave to heat it up.

Raphael turned back around to face her as he leaned his shell against the wooden counter, large arms folding over his plastron as he turned his gaze to her with a lifted brow ridge, "Oh really? 'Cause it sure as hell seems like ya' need to be treated like one,"

Alaska made a noise of offense as her tongue hit the back of her teeth and she sharpened her eyes on him in what she hoped was a threatening glare, “What is that supposed to mean?”

Before he could answer, the microwave beeped and he turned, pulling the plate of food out before passing it to the girl with a fork. Her eyes followed him as he moved to lean against the counter again, being too big to sit in the chairs occupying the dining area. He lifted an expecting brow ridge, and she nearly groaned as she realized he wasn’t going to leave until she ate. So, with a sarcastic wave of the fork, she stabbed the food and made a show of taking an over exaggerated bite.

Raphael rolled his eyes at her antics and folded his arms over his chest, muscles flexing as he placed his fingers around the bicep, "This is what I meant...ya' can't starve yourself, Rebel. I understand you wanna be there when Leo wakes up, but ya' can't kill yourself in the process." Long gone was the normal gruff tone he usually used and was replaced with a strange softness she wasn't used to coming from her best friend.

Alaska paused in eating, her eyes shifting away from his face so she didn’t have to see that look of concern anymore. She took a few more bites of the food before pushing it away, her stomach clenching as it ached. How could she explain her lack of eating when she didn’t even understand it herself? A deep sigh passed her nose as she lifted a hand to run her fingers through the mess of waves on her head.

"I'm not trying to starve myself, Red...I just lose track of time when I'm up there with him."

Her words weren’t completely a lie. When she was up there, watching over the unconscious leader, she would be so lost in her inner turmoil to realize how much time had passed.

Raphael nodded, his large shoulders lifting as he leaned more onto the counter and crossed his foot over his ankle. His eyes drifted back to her face again, “I know...jus' worry me with how long ya' stay up there — I know you don't sleep."

Alaska looked away again, suddenly finding her fingers more interesting as she suddenly felt like a child being scolded. “I can’t sleep…” She slowly admitted, this being the first time she had said it out loud.

It had been three months since New York was invaded. Three months of being stuck on the farm, and it was three painfully long months of no Leo. Her lack of sleep started a few weeks in, and it was only getting worse with each passing day. Alaska didn’t know what was wrong with her. The stress of whether Leonardo would ever wake up keeping her mind busy.

She honestly didn’t know how she was still going, seeing she was only running on a few hours of sleep, and she only got that because she dozed off in the chair beside the bed, only waking up when Donnie busted in to feed her and do his routine check-up on Leonardo.

Her attention was brought back to Raph as he let out a deep sigh, running a hand over his face, stressed.

"Jus' promise you'll start takin' care of yourself, Leo would kick my shell if he woke up and saw how ya' looked right now,"

Clucking her tongue, she gave him a mock-offended look, "Damn, Red, you really know how to make a girl feel pretty." She joked, trying to lighten the mood so he'd stop stressing over her.

Her chest swelled with pride as a smirk twitched onto his scarred lip and he gave her a look, shaking his head. "Ya' know me, gotta make sure my girl feels appreciated.”

She laughed and he seemed to soften at the sound.

"Saska! Raph! Time to get your asses kicked!" Mikey bellowed from outside, urging them to turn and look out the kitchen window to see the youngest turtle. Michelangelo was doing odd-looking stretches and trying to do some weird ass ninja shit, punching at the air while flinging his nun-chucks around before pulling a stunt, epically failing as he face-plated the ground. “Totally meant to do that!”

Alaska let out a snort, shaking her head at the orange-clad turtled as stood up to place her food back in the icebox, promising herself to finish it later if she felt hungry. She turned to face Raph with a lifted brow, “You ready to get our asses kicked?”

His mouth kicked up into a crooked grin, "Our's? Rebel, yer' the only one that's gonna get their ass kicked," and with that, he left her in the kitchen as he went outside to get ready for training.

Alaska shook her head with a soft smirk on her lips before her gaze gradually drifted to the staircase that led upstairs. Just a few hours. She told herself as she went outside to join the brothers.

[froggie-recs-fics]

(I had to repost this because it wasn’t showing up, sorry the ask is all weird now)

Hi!

despite the threatening sky and shuddering earth (they remained) is one of my favorite fics ever, and Adjustments is fantastic as well.

However, unfortunately these are some of the only fics that I know of with this exact premise. In this list I tried to include a combination of post-CATWS fics where Bucky is taken in, and some fics where the trauma from his experiences as the Winter Soldier are treated, and some where he is at first misunderstood. Hope some of these are what you meant!

Wheels Won't Turn by hansbekhart (Steve/Bucky, M, CNTW, 15K)

There was a reason that he ran, but he doesn’t remember anymore. He was on his way to the extraction - waiting for night to fall so that he could travel inconspicuously - crouched in a hollow on the roof of an old brick building - a warehouse, maybe - and the fading light - the light caught - on a blond head down below on the street. Laughter, and a cadence to the man’s speech that sounded familiar, misplaced R’s and blurry Th’s, quarter, water, this, that, the other one.

Idioglossia by hotelmichelle (Steve/Bucky, M, CNTW, 20K, Slice of Life, Codependency, Domestic Avengers)

“James and Steve. If I have to tell you one more time to stop talking, you will be separated. Do you understand?”

Bucky stares up at Mrs. Wheatley with the face that gets him out of trouble when his ma is in a good mood. Steve becomes suddenly fascinated with his correction work. It would have been convincing enough, if their papers weren’t blank.

Or: Steve and Bucky make up a secret language

The Ungraceful Art of Falling by buckyfuckybarnes (Steve/Bucky, E, CNTW, 149K, Slow Burn, WWII era)

Bucky Barnes was cold.

He felt like he’d been cold for months now; doing nothing but experiencing one unending chill after another. He’d been cold in England, and again in Italy, and again especially in Austria – both while he was kept in an underground cell, and when he was strapped without cover to the unforgiving metal of Zola’s lab table.

But Steve… Steve Rogers was sunshine. Everything about him was warm, from his crinkly-eyed smile to his white-hot rage. Steve was Coney Island on a summer’s day; lying back on high rooftops to watch fireworks on the 4th of July; drinking stolen whiskey in his parent’s living room…

Loving Steve was a fact – simple and plain, like breathing air or bleeding red; loving Steve was soldered into his skin like a tattoo – it buzzed in his brain like its own kind of high. It was a part of who he was.

**there must have been a moment where we could have said no by magdaliny (Steve/Bucky, M, V, 154K, WS era)

The Soldier remembers this: he wakes up in the snow.

**United States v. Barnes, 617 F. Supp. 2d 143 (D.D.C. 2015) by fallingvoices, radialarch, (Steve/Bucky, T, 20K, Media fic, Social Media)

The Associated Press @AP Winter Soldier set to stand trial for Washington D.C. mass*cre and treason apne.ws/1og6SWE

**tin soldiers by idrilka (Steve/Bucky, T, 19K, Media fic, Social Media, POV Outsider)

In his 2009 book on Captain America comic books, war photography, and American propaganda, Everett claims: “There is nothing to suggest that either the graphic novels issued during the war or the photographs taken during Rogers’ stay with the Howling Commandos can serve as a basis for a queer reading of Rogers and Barnes’ relationship. But even more importantly, there is nothing to suggest that such a relationship ever existed in the first place, and as such, those queer readings are not only misguided, but also libelous” (197).

[from: Lynn E. Anderson, Captain America: Behind the Mask. Steve Rogers and the Contemporary Hero Narrative (New York: Palgrave Macmillan, 2012), p. 242.]

In the aftermath of Steve's return to the world of the living and the battle of New York, the academia and the Internet react.

**Ipseity series by SkyisGray (Steve/Bucky, E, V, Non-Con, Dissociative Identity Disorder, WS era)

Even the strongest personalities, when subjected to great physical, emotional, and s*xual abuses, can splinter, or dissociate.

Bucky Barnes lives a nightmare after falling from a train and being recovered by Hydra. His mind deals with the trauma by splintering into the soldier, the prisoner, the patriot, and the assassin.Years later, they team up to save Steve Rogers.

Nameless by AvaKelly (Clint/Bucky, M, V, 101K, WS era, Tattoos, Past Meetings)

A gun is pointed at him before he can even move from his position, the Soldier's metal arm steady in its aim. Clint sighs.

"Nemo," Clint says. "It's tattooed on your wrist, right here," he lifts his right hand and taps his left index finger where his palm ends.

The Soldier's eyes widen. "How do you know this?"

"I put it there."

**Nobody Lost, Nobody Found by ClaraxBarton (Clint/Bucky, E, 108K, Soulmate AU, slow burn, BAMF Clint Barton)

"Look, dude, I get it. You’re fucked-up. HYDRA fucked you up. I’ve been there. But you’re my fucking Soul Mate!"

“I can kill you. I could kill you without even realizing what I was doing. I’m not fucked-up, I’m a monster. I’m a nightmare. You can’t be here. You can’t- All the people I’ve killed- I will not murder my Soul Mate too. Not after everything else I’ve-”

Clint worked his left hand between their bodies and managed to land a punch to the man’s right side, forcing him to shift his weight, and Clint brought his right hand down on the place where the man’s metal arm met his torso - hidden by the shirt he wore, but on full display in the video Clint had watched.

The man released Clint with a grunt of pain, and Clint pressed his advantage, landing another punch to his abdomen, backing him up against the opposite side of the RV and then pressing the kitchen knife he had pocketed while cleaning up earlier to the man’s throat.

“Like I said, I’m not a Boy Scout. I’m plenty dangerous myself. We clear on that?”

OR: This looks bad, because it is.

OR: How Clint Barton met his Soul Mate

**I'll Keep You Safe Here With Me. by sara_holmes (Clint/Bucky, M, CNTW, BAMF Clint Barton, PTSD)

Yes, Clint is avoiding the other Avengers. No, he does not want to go back to New York. But then again, he didn't exactly want to be kidnapped by the Winter Soldier either. Really, he just wants to go back to bed.

[tofiveohfive]

Do you maybe have any stevetony fanfic recommendations?

why, yes, i do! to be fair, i haven't read any stevetony fics in over a year, but i still have my ao3 bookmarks and my old marvel blog haha. also, just a warning before anything else: i'm a big, big fan of angsty fics, so, yeah.

my absolute favorite piece of writing in the marvel fandom is the series what we share (and what we hide) by @machi-kun​​. the 1st part is set right after CACW, before IW, from steve’s POV, and the 2nd part is still a work in progress, post-IW, from tony’s POV. despite it not being finished, i can't recommend it enough. just trust me. you haven't seen writing like this.

Hating Steve Rogers: my second favorite piece of writing. the angst in this one gave me butterflies. 

An Infinite Number Of Monkeys At Typewriters (Or, Steve and Tony Finally Get It Right):  After the events of Civil War, Tony and Steve wake up in bed next to each other in an alternate universe. It goes about as well as you’d expect it to.

Lost With You (Might Be All I Need): Tony and Steve fall through a portal just after defeating Thanos and his army. Stranded in another dimension, the two have to finally face what happened—and what could have been.

All Roads Lead To: After Obadiah’s betrayal, Tony hides in the depths of the Midwest to become a mechanic. The Avengers come into his life anyway.

The Jar:  The Avengers are ridiculously competitive people, and what starts out as a silly late-night team discussion quickly becomes a contest: their names. Not the code names – the nicknames. Who can go the longest without using them?

Lost Together: Being trapped in a horrible world where some things are like home, and some things are terrifyingly not, is bad enough. But when it becomes clear that the people here come in pairs - and unpaired people are a threat - Steve and Tony are forced to pretend that they’re a pair too, if they ever want to make it home alive.

Binary System: Tony tends to be tactile with people he trusts. These days that list of people includes Steve, which is a good sign of the progression of their friendship. 

Stick With Me, Baby, I’m the Fella You Came in With: During the final battle with Ultron, Tony kisses Steve for the first time. Afterward, he makes it clear to Steve that he was just running on adrenaline and not thinking clearly. (this whole series is AMAZING, tbh)

Take Care, I’m Easily Broken: Tony isn’t the type of person to pine quietly.

Someone to Love: What does it matter that it’d been because of Loki and his damn magic? He’d fallen in love with Steve once. He can do it again.

Take Two: Steve loses his memory but he gets the feeling he’s lost a lot more. Who exactly is Tony Stark to him and why won’t he come out of the basement? (AMNESIA AU, i can’t scream this loudly enough)

Love’s Such an Old-Fashioned Word: Steve gets the very brilliant idea that he and Tony should date, but Tony needs some convincing.

Rebirth: this is the 1st part of a series. if you really like angst, i strongly recommend this one. the comment i wrote in my bookmark for this is literally “WHOEVER YOU ARE, YOU ARE NOT READY FOR THIS ANGST” lmao (unfortunately, the 2nd part is not as good, but that’s another issue).

when i run out of road, you bring me home: my comment on this bookmark is: “tony owns a farm, steve shows up, lots of kids show up, FOUND FAMILY” fhsdjhfjk

The Butterfly Effect: While fighting with Loki, Steve Rogers from 2012 hears the two simple words: “Bucky’s alive.” And the whole universe ripples with the aftershocks.

A Hundred Times, Once: The shrill tone of his SHIELD beeper pulls Steve out of sleep and into battle. He fights robots, he fights Tony’s shameless advances, he fights the exhaustion that threatens to take over him, drown him. And then the next morning, he wakes and does it again. Exactly the same. And again. And again. And again.

As Sharp As Any Thorn: It’s four days to Christmas, there’s a city in shambles, and the nation is in mourning because of the actions of a single man.

dreaming through the decades: “S-soulmates aren’t supposed to share dreams until they’re teenagers.” “Teenagers,” the boy repeats after a moment, like Tony had just spoken another language. “We’re too young,” Tony tells him. “I’m- I’m only eight.” “Me, too,” the boy says. His face keeps flickering from hope to something like fear. He takes an uncertain step forwards, but stops when Tony’s back becomes even more rigid. “I’m Steve Rogers.”

and he looks up: the steve/tony Titanic!AU with a happy ending for the Avengers.

most ardently: It is a truth universally acknowledged that a genius playboy in possession of the world’s largest tech conglomerate must be in want of a skinny little artist with an attitude problem. (pride and prejudice AU)

oof. these are a lot, but, on the bright side, you can pick whatever tickles your fancy? 😅