#potheads the lot of em

[5-htagonist]

the overlap btwn my dads side and my moms side is fuck the police

[handlcd]

 @birdofsweetnightmares LIKE THIS FOR A STARTER! 

SHE MOVES AROUND HIM LIKE WATER OVER STONE. Her hips sway and her arms go up and the music shakes the club walls. She doesn't know him, she doesn't make any moves to indicate she wants to but, if he meets her eyes, he'd see heat there. Brown eyes are lidded from drink and she'd reach to run a playful hand along his chest as she steps around him, the beat thrumming and making her body BUZZ. 

' Chopped and screwed up I'm a pothead, true enough (yup) At your ex crib and you're boo'd up (up) Take it slow, baby, we in no rush Hennessy or Don Q? That's a very hard choice For the diamonds on my pinky, need a gang of cool points And the drop head make 'em drop dead, yeah (ayy) You ain't scared, you ain't scared, you ain't scared, yeah Believe me, I'm outchea, you see me, in action I've heard a lot, a lot about you Passin' 'round blunts like a hot potato (whoa) And you dancin' on the table, gushin' like volcano (go, go, go). '

She spins, and knocks into him, her hands going to his chest to support herself if he allowed it. She smiles, hands slipping into his pocket as she dances on him. Her tab wasn't going to pay itself. 

[milkntears]

Hi! (First actual Tumblr post ayo-)

I wanted to try and offer some of my characters to possibly show in @ffishstickks game, Reap and sow(which i am very excited to play in the future!!)

I'm not that fully familiar with 1990's/1999's clothes and styles, but i tried my best with the help of google, but the clothes are fully allowed to be changed :))👍

><><><><><

Olivia 'Olive'  (22 She/Her & They/Them(tho Faith mainly calls them They/Them)

Height: 182cm/5'12(?)

Character

Introverted sleep deprived local pothead who tends to keep to themself, that is when Faith aint dragging them to another party or shopping, a semi chill person to smoke and talk with, a heavy smoker, works as a barista

Do they drink?

Depends on the drinks, prefers cider over other alcohol, but tends to drink other stuff if Cider(specificly grape cider) aint on the menu, but not enough to get drunk

Party Personality

The one with lighter, not exactly a party animal, enjoys watching other people have fun, but prefers to stay on the side lines and smoke or just enjoy the music, tends to watch after other people

><><><><><

Faith (22, She/Her)

Height: 158cm/5'2(?)

Character

Popular rich girl who tends to be friendly and kind, but is an absolute menace when it comes to parties, watch out and hide your beers, because Faith will drink em all(def would be one of those who is held upside down by the beer keg lmao-)

Childhood besties with Olive, and tends to drag her to parties to be more social.

Do they drink?

Y e s, heavily when it comes to social (party) situations, even when it always bites her in the ass next day, but outside of parties, she rarely drinks, and if she does, it tends to be some soft berry cider.

Party Personality

Def would be the one who brings a lot of alcohol and also drinks a lot of it at the party, she finds parties the best place for new friends and to just let loose after stress, even when it means she may be throwing up on the way home due to how much she drank-

Would love go play beer bong but would absolutely suck at it-

Also def one of those who makes like 4 friends at a random party every week lmao-

[salty-stardust-burgerbitch]

Why, hello there!

Pleased to meet ya, you can call me Venus— it ain't my name, but that's what makes it fun ;3

All the basic info ya need about me is on my bio; here's the quick version:

I'm a mid-20s Trans Futch Lesbian Switch, and this is my horny sideblog. Emphasis on horny— which means if you're under 18 ya gotta go.

I repeat: If you want to interact with me or my blog in any way, you must be 18 years old at least!! And by extension, that includes ageless blogs— description, bio, pinned post, whatever— just put it somewhere, 'kay? Doesn't need to be specific if you're anxious abt giving away personal info, a good ol' "18+" or "20-something" or something like that. Be a good sport, okay? Helps yourself and helps us all =D

I'm mainly using this as a way to flirt with some of the fine and wonderful people of tumblr's thirsty side without leaving an obvious trail to myself. I know, I know, it ain't a foolproof plan, but it's enough to put my worrywart mind at ease ^_^ so expect a lot of reblogs and some VERY rare idle musings via text post.

Asks are always open, but getting in my DM's will take a little persuasion... whatever that means for you, cutie~

Kinks and limits below the cut!

I'm still exploring my kinks (among other aspects of my identity), so this list is subject to change. With that in mind:

Hard kinks!

Aftercare, check-ins, clear safewords and signals, negotiations... anything to make play safer and more comfortable!

Pet names (e.g. miss(tress), mommy, daddy, toy, puppy, bun-bun, and so on. I pretty much like 'em all, so get creative!)

Mommy/Daddy (independant of MD/LG or any related dynamics)

Comforting (arguably not as a kink) (I just like making sure you're doing okay~ ^3^)

Cuddling... and cuddlefucking

Praise

Praise again (yes, I like it That Much)

Impact play

Pet play

Maids & Service

Choking (as a dom) (it's a soft kink when subbing)

Overstim

Biting & Marking

Musk!!!

Freeuse

Hypno

Dumbification

Intox (mainly 420, I'm an incorrigible pothead ;P )

Body worship

Breast play

Hucow

Cum eating

Overall cum play

And I'm not sure what to call this (or if it has a name), but my hands-down BIGGEST turn-on is driving someone else wild and lusting vicariously through them. I'm like a kink sponge, seeing something work for you will make it work for me! (So I guess I'd call it secondhand kink? Empathetic Kink Response? Whatever it is, the takeaway is that if you're liking it then I'm loving it)

Soft kinks~

Heavy degredation (no qualms as a domme, but still a little sensitve on the sub side... don't go easy, but be prepared for me to safeword if I'm not taking it well)

Bootblacking

Boot/shoe/leg worship (domme only)

Choking (as a sub) (as stated above, this gets bumped up to a hard kink when domming)

Piss (domme only)

Humiliation

Bullying (more specifically, think along the lines of Heathers)

Psst, hey! If you're seeing this thanks for being so thorough and reading all this! :)

Wrestling

Objectification

Bratting

Brat taming

Living furniture (domme only)(god, with my wack-ass spine? This fidgety ADHD lookin'-ass? I could never)

Gaping

Fitness/exercise

Eating meals cooked with love (okay this isn't really a kink, but if you cook me food I will eat it and savor every bite and treat you so so so well for it! ESPECIALLY Barbecue of any kind!! Nothing says intimate tender love quite like a warm plate)

I'm open to some MD/LG stuff but it's a new one for me and I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, so to the bottom of the list it goes

And many more, probably! Can't seeing your personal favorite here? Get me into it! Make me worse!! >=3

And now, the limits:

Soft limits.

Crying/Dacra (crying is not a comfortable feeling for me, and my mommy instinct takes over if someone else starts crying so I'll have to stop myself from trying to comfort you)

WAY TOO heavy degredation. Don't get personal and don't go below the belt. Keep it fun! Keep it fruity!

Knifeplay. I get the *aesthetic* appeal, but I've knicked myself enough to know that it might get clumsy... and this AIN'T the kink to be clumsy with.

Gunplay. See above.

*Strict* monogamy. I'm okay to be exclusive for you if that's what you need, but no matter what I'm at *least* gonna flirt with other people. I have too much love in my heart to lock it all away, and bottling that up is only gonna hurt us both.

Cuckoldry/cheating: on the exact other end of the scale! I'm 100% fine if there's someone else, but I draw the line at using that to be hurtful. Like, "they're so much more (X) than you!" is fine, but not "you're stupid to think you could ever satisfy me" or "I'm only with you because of (X), otherwise I'd be with them ALL the time because I love them and not you!!" At that point, I'd rather just go our separate ways.

!!*Hard Limits*!!

Detrans, misgendering, sissy, or any other kinks that futz with my gender against my will. It's MY gender, not yours. If I change it for you, it's because I want to, and you'd better be fucking thankful.

Scat, vomit, gore, and heavy blood. Nope. Too much. Too gross for me. Sorry.

CBT (as a sub): man that shit hurts. Like, yeowch!! No thank you!

24/7 dynamics. I'm way too young dumb and full of cum to try something with that level of commitment. A gal needs some flexibility!

Cis Men: what part of lesbian don't you understand? (Trans men are still cool of course! Just as long as there's SOMETHING goin' on with yer gender. Note: cis womanhood counts as "something goin' on with yer gender", because being a dyke counts, among other things. I don't know enough gender theory to articulate more than that)

Beastiality, Ped0, or anything that isn't consenting adults. C'mon. Get real.

Raceplay, heavy ageplay, and chasers. Get real. C'mon.

Needles! Nope! Uh-uh! Bad! Dont like!!

Weight gain/loss. I spent way too long trying to be comfortable with my weight, I'm not gonna let all that progress go to waste because you find it hot.

Aaaaaaand... that's everything! Thanks for sticking around and reading all this, cha girl can get a lil wordy when she's on her meds @_@

So now all of that's out of the way, go on and have some good ol' sexy fun!! Keep it fruity, keep it friendly, and above all, keep it real.

Remember that I love you, wholly and entirely, exactly as you are~ &lt;3 XOXOXO

Yours disrespectfully,

~Venus

[felikatze]

From @vivi-mire

what do you think the weed situation is like in ylisse? banned? legal? banned except for the exalt's spouse's insane "fell blood" strain?

Fascinating questions. If you have friendship clearance 4 you actually know I had insane weed headcanons about genshin back in. (looks on in horror.) 2022.

So, the thing is, Emmeryn is like, an art girl. She encourages the arts and poetry and writing and science and shit, to enrich Ylisse instead of her dad's war imperialism nonsense. So, I think, as Exalt, Emmeryn would absolutely legalize it. Her dad however did not, because he's the "We already have a national drug, we don't need another" type of guy you see a ton of in german politics. (Yes, I'm basing this on the current legalization of weed in germany.)

So the legalization of weed is SUPER recent. People use it, but there's still social stigma against it from the older folk who drink their livers dead, yknow? The more old school you are the less likely you are to take weed.

As for the actual shepherds? Frederick is 100% a weed despiser (I don't believe he even drinks coffee. This man is as sober as can be.). I feel like Chrom is too straight-laced to do weed, and proximity to Frederick would mean he stares disapprovingly at people who do. Lissa has tried weed ONCE and didn't like it. But she did try!

Emmeryn smokes pot yeah. Only in private, but she does. Girl needs to chill out, right.

One time someone made a post abt which FE lord would call the cops on you for smoking weed, and that post said Lucina doesn't care about people's vices of choice because of the apocalypse thing. if you gotta smoke to cope with the dread of living, then smoke! Weed is better than offing yourself at any rate. So I do feel all the future kids are lax on weed. I think Noire doesn't smoke but would get a lot use out of it if she did. I for sure think the fates trio (Inigio, Owain, Selena) are potheads. If Yarne tried his heart would explode.

Of the og shepherds, I think Panne does weed, and she got Lon'qu to try in their support. (It's literally about her dropping a bag of calming tea leaves and letting Lon'qu keep it after he picks it up.) Maribelle is in the same boat as Chrom in that she'll let people do it but insist that it not be in her presence. If you smoke at her tea parties she'll hit you with a parasol.

Hm. Miriel tries to study weed. She hangs out with high people on purpose because it makes people looser about their feelings and she's observing the effects. Doesn't smoke herself though so as to not hamper her cognitive abilities. Same for Laurent.

Ok NOW i'm thinking about whether weed is legal in Ferox and Plegia. Considering the Feroxi are the Party People, I'd say yes, honestly. I feel like Olivia actually has it on prescription. I'm now on the wikipedia page for weed and it says it might originate from kasachstan, so double that for "the feroxi for sure have and use weed."

Plegia is trickier. Like. Okay. On one hand I want to say yes, they do have weed. Plegians having weed was one of the reasons Emmeryn got pushback against legalization. Weed use was stigmatized in Ylisse to portray the Plegians as idiots in the imperialist efforts.

On the other hand, I forgot why I didn't want to say yes. Like looking at the dark mages? Henry, Tharja, Aversa? I can see all of em doing pot. I think people THINK Henry does pot but he actually doesn't because he already feels high enough when killing people.

Hm for Tharja. Smoking weed actually adds to the dark mage image she actively maintains.

Would Robin smoke weed? I don't know. I think I'd need others to chime in. I can see it going either way, here. Like, if Robin got invited to smoke, they would accept, but they wouldn't just do it on their own, y'feel?

Anyways, yeah. Thanks Riya for making me think about this.

being someone who typically uses dd/mm/yy instead of mm/dd/yy, i did not actually realize lucina's birthday is 420 blaze it until today. thanks tumblr

[bewilderedbunny]

Weedman (Eddie x Reader fluff) 18+only!

This was originally going to be smut but I got distracted by the idea of flirting with Eddie while he makes bad jokes. Just over 800 words, no pronouns are used for reader.

Warnings: Lots of drug use talk, reader's mom speaks of food in a negative way, there's a joke about sex work but it isn't at any sex-workers' expense (it's just Eddie being silly) reader is a stressed out college student, I think that's all.

*I also wanted to mention, I did not come up with the joke Eddie makes at the beginning of the phone call, it's just something I've heard around and I'm not sure where it originates from

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Part 2 is here

You had just finished exams for your Junior year of college and you were drained. Normally, you would stay in the city while working for the summer, but this year you decided to take a break and go back home to stay with your family. You had hoped this time off would provide some much-needed relaxation. Speaking of relaxation, you had become a bit of a pothead while away from home. The amount of weight that magic little flower would lift from your shoulders was incredible. You hadn't smoked in high school, but you remembered the local dealer at the time. "Reefer Rick" how could you forget a name like that? Unluckily for you, Rick was picked up last month and wouldn't be out until your break was long over.

You thought this may be for the best. You had been smoking pretty regularly to help alleviate the stress of school, maybe a tolerance break could help reset your nerves. Then that night your mom asked if you were really going to have dessert since you already had a roll with dinner. You realized weed might not be enough to get you through this break. Maybe horse tranquilizers or a lobotomy would do the job.

After dessert, which you savored every bite of, you went to your room and decided to try to find a new supplier. After a few unhelpful phone calls consisting of people reminiscing about high school (how could these people miss hell so much?), you decided to call Robert Swan. He was a friend of a friend who seemed to know just about everything about everyone in Hawkins. Robert let you know that Rick had someone dealing underneath him.

"Huh, I never took Rick for the "management" type."

"Well, he's not exactly running a Burger King but yeah, he's making his way up. Oh my god, did you hear about-"

Robert rambled to you, gossiping about people you couldn't care enough about to remember. After "oh really?" and "no way"-ing your way through the conversation, you got the information for the dealer, thanked Robert, and said goodbye before he could trap you into listening any longer.

You sighed while looking at the paper you had written the dealer's information on. "Eddie Munson" the name was unfamiliar to you.

You dialed the number given to you and after a few rings, a man answered.

"Hawkin's mortuary, you kill 'em, we chill 'em. Would you like to make a reservation?" You took a second to process what he said before realizing the joke.

"Yes, please. Embalming table for two?"

He laughed and sounded embarrassed "Oh shit, I thought you were someone else. Sorry about that. Thanks for playing along."

"No problem. Out of curiosity, who did you think I was?"

"My uncle, he calls me on his lunches at work sometimes to check in, it's fun to mess with him, make him laugh."

"That's sweet he checks on you."

"Yeah, I guess it is." Eddie leaned against the wall twirling the phone cable with his finger.

"Oh, who is this, by the way?"

You tell him your name and how you heard about him.

"Words getting around that I'm the new go-to man, huh? Maybe I should make business cards."

You reply, "What would they say? Eddie Munson: amateur herbalist?"

He laughs and says, "Was thinking: 'Eddie Munson: Dungeon Master, Musician, Weedman, Phone Sex Operator.' Maybe add a drawing of a wizard or a dragon too."

You giggle at his silliness and say, "Don't forget to add mortician to that. How's the phone sex business treating you?"

"Not great, still haven't figured out where my dick goes in the phone." you hold your head in your hands and laugh. He laughs along with you.

You look at the clock, it's already midnight.

"I guess I should ask you about buying since that's the reason I called."

"Oh yeah. Shit, this salesman stuff is hard. How much do you want?"

"What can $50 get me?"

"$50 worth of weed."

You roll your eyes "Sounds like a deal. Can we meet tomorrow? Say 10 am?"

"10 am?! What am I, a doctor?! Who gets up at 10 am during the summer?"

You laugh and say, "Sorry, I didn't think about your beauty sleep. Please forgive me. How about 2 pm?"

"He agrees and gives you his address

"It's a date. Have a goodnight, sweetheart."

"Sweet dreams, Weedman."

Once you hang up the phone, you realize you've been bouncing your leg this entire time. You're unsure if it's from the general nerves or the fact that you've been flirting with a stranger. Was that even flirting or were the two of you just idiots? You think about tracking down your old yearbook to see if he's in there, but decide maybe it'll be better to have the mysterious Weedman's appearance be a surprise.

[garfieldsladybird]

MORE ABOUT MYSELF ➪☟︎

garfieldsladybird. this blog is a safe space for everyone. i do not have an age setting, so all are welcome!! requests for blurbs are currently open, i’ll try my best with them. dms and asks are always open to talk! — boundaries.

what im up too. — my dog finn <33.

hello, welcome to my blog!! im garfield or ladybird, up to you. you can call me garfy or birdy tho.

I’m genderfluid. 16. bisexual. Intp-t. stoner. Cabin 13, Hades child. slytherclaw/raverin- now Hufflepuff.

♈︎ aries, ♏︎ scorpio, ♊︎ gemini.

when i said i was a theater kid, I didn’t realize what a theater kid was. I’m not a fucking theater kid. nothing wrong with them though, just had a bad experience :|

in my free time; reading. playing the sims! (i wish that was true) reading on this app, Ao3, or wattpad. i love music and dancing! and hanging out with my friends! also smoking.

i would rather be alone than hang out with people. In my opinion, im like a popular loner :)

— future; i want to get into editing, like film work. i want to do something like being a camera man, making the movie come to life with good transitions, lighting, and scenery… idk if that makes sense but I want to do that. I also really want to be a paramedic EMT and/or a firefighter, maybe even a cop.

— other things; im a great procrastinator. maladaptive daydreamer. and i also deal with anxiety. I do not have a therapist to talk to yet so that’s fun. but wii ball!

🦄 — fandoms im in; anything i write for man— harry potter, includes the marauders era and tom era, etc. im also into marvel, twilight, peaky blinders, the witcher, the 100, stranger things, umbrella academy, teen wolf, sex education, psych, 911 & 911: lone star, Hawaii Five-0, Wednesday series, Glee, the rookie.

📖 — my books/dr’s; i have an acc for my books which are technically my dr’s but I look at them as my books. @bugsvenom. I have lots of books :)) i haven’t started any of them.

🎧 — my favorite artists -> billie eilish! Eminem! Tyler, The Creator! SZA! twenty one pilots! queen! — garfields playlist!! I have multiple playlists. ( <- im just talkin abt em)

👀 — my fav youtubers; Dylan is in trouble!! Brittany Broski!! Trisha Paytas!! Tana Mongeau!! Jeff FM!! Boze vs the World, Sturniolo Triplets, Dez Games, Rebal D, Xenoshot, Erick Khan, Courtreezy, Onyebabyyy, Madisyn Brown, Squidinkidink. Dropouts podcast.&& The Graham Norton Show!! — i also love asmr <33

📺 — favorite shows/movies: Psych. 911 & 911: Lone star. teen wolf. Jumanji 1&2. The witcher. The Spiderwick Chronicles. Alice in borderland.

this blog is used for a lot of things. i try writing but it’s difficult and so i would say i’ve had writers block for a long time. i have some writing posted but to me, it’s not the best.

warning — most of my writing includes smoking marijuana.

— i am a stoner. your local pothead started in nov 2021, and I do have permission. ask questions if you want too or need too!! — the high algorithm. <- (questions that have been answered)

i joined here in 2021, new years time so technically, i’ve been here since 2022 started. im usually always here, but school is also happening so im here but at the same time im not.

since i don’t write a lot, i usually just post me talking or i reblog a much of peoples works. i reblog anything i like.

I also make commentaries on any type of show or thing I’m watching. the thing is with commentaries is I don’t necessarily explain the scene, I just write my thoughts about it, and I might put the episode of the show too.

��© 𝗀𝖺𝗋𝖿𝗂𝖾𝗅𝖽𝗌𝗅𝖺𝖽y𝖻𝗂𝗋𝖽.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #354

“swimming through the void, we hear the word  /  we lose ourselves, but we find it all”

The last time you washed your hair, did you use conditioner? I never do. My hair is naturally pretty oily, and conditioner just adds oil to it. Do you prefer light or dark jeans? Dark. I never liked light-hued jeans. When you listen to music, do you generally sing along, or just listen? I almost always just listen. Do you have any of your exes as friends on Facebook? Yes. Who was your first love? Do you ever miss that person? My first "real" boyfriend. I always do to varying degrees. How many cars are parked at your house right now? Just one. Do you have any Italian ancestry? No. Do you prefer water to be ice cold or at room temperature? The colder, the absolute better. I can barely stomach drinking water that isn't cold, like literally. Has anyone ever told you you’re a control freak? No. Do you know anyone who has gone missing? If so, were they ever found? I don't think so, anyway. What was the spiciest thing you’ve ever eaten? A certain hot sauce on the wings I used to get at Buffalo Wild Wings. It was close to the top of their little heat rating thing. It made me feel awful, and yet I enjoyed it still?? I think it was an adrenaline thing. I only get medium sauce now; I'm more interested in enjoying my food than feeling like I'm eating fire. Do you need to talk to someone? I'm ready for my therapy appointment honestly, but it's not 'til the start of June. Mom and I both don't want to go through the process of finding a new one, so I've chosen to just suck it up and wait. Is something confusing you at the moment? I'm always confused with myself and my feelings. When was the last time you had a real deep chat? Real deep, I'm sure that would've been during PHP. Who did you last see on webcam? My former group therapist. I miss him a lot and really wish he could treat me outside of the program, but he doesn't do that. :/ What’s your best friend’s pet’s name(s)? Doris, Martha, Crowley, Little Dot, Jane Marie, Buster, Beesly, Winter, and I believe only one of the fish is named: Raisha. Have you ever taken a picture while laying in the grass? No. Who’s your favorite Disney character? Dory, probably. Have you ever deliberately tried to get someone drunk? What the fuck, no. When was the last time you used a pay phone and who were you calling? I've never used one. Do you like being kissed on the neck? Whoa now buddy, we better be kind of serious by then for you to do that because it doesn't end "well" lmao. Have you ever had sex with someone you weren’t dating (but had feelings for) in the hopes that they would ask you out later? I almost deleted this question because I didn't want to answer it, but I try to leave more unique ones in, so... whatever. I haven't. But I would for "somebody." What’s the most you would be willing to spend on a good bra? Ugh, my relationship with bras is a hellish one because NONE FUCKING FIT ME CORRECTLY. Mom's tried so, so many places, so many different stores online and in-person, and even if the bra fits in the front, it won't go around my back comfortably. I guess my body is shaped weird, I don't fucking know, because I have literally ZERO bras that don't aggravate me. At some point, I'm going to some woman Mom knows who can size me properly and therefore buy some that don't piss me off. All that to say I'd actually pay more than the usual, but not a ridiculous price. Do you have any of your teachers’ personal cell phone numbers saved in your contacts list? My old Physical Science teacher, who is actually now a very close family friend and our landlord, is in my phone. Do you ever stalk peoples’ personal blogs, even if you don’t know them very well? No. What’s one thing about today’s generation that you just can’t stand? How ungrateful they can be. Be honest: how do you feel about abortion? I am pro-choice. Is there anyone you currently want to reach out to? There's a lot of people, actually. Old friends I miss. What is your favorite piece of art you own? It... sounds cocky, but it's probably the drawing I did in high school of Pyramid Head and the Halo of the Sun intertwined. I worked my fucking ass off and I'm extremely proud of it. What’s the one thing you apologized for this month? Hm. Probably just something minor, like bumping into Mom or something when passing her. My favorite color is ______? Pink, specifically pastel pink. I wish I had _____? A job. What did you buy today? Nothing. What has challenged your morals? Life, my dude. Live and learn. What made you pick up the last book you started reading? It's the sequel to the last book I read. What about your life concerns you the most? Concerns me, my physical health, especially just how weak my legs are. I'm terrified of them continuing to deteriorate. What do you find particularly offensive? Would you say you’re easy or difficult to offend? I cannot fucking stand the misuse of the word "retarded." Like just keep your damn mouth sewn shut if you have the audacity to say things like "hurr hurr this driver is retarded." ANY mental illness/condition is NOT to be mocked. Onto the next question, I'd say I'm more towards difficult to offend. It really depends on the topic. What was the last series you finished watching? Do you have any plans to begin another? I re-watched Fullmetal Alchemist w/ Sara. We're working on Avatar: The Last Airbender too, but I won't resume watching it again until we can do it together. What is one way in which you are different from a year ago? What is one way in which you are still the same? Well, I weigh a lot more. .-. I gained back almost all the weight I shed since quarantine started, and I'm forever fucking furious about it. I'm the same in most other ways. If you could learn about anything without the stress of grades or cost, what kind of classes would you take? Uhhhhh meerkat behavior? Idk. Name a song you’ve listened to today? I've got Halocene, Lauren Babic, and Violet Orlandi's cover of "Aerials" by System of a Down on loop right now. It's fucking gorgeous and so mesmerizing. When you were younger, did you have a swing set or a playhouse in your backyard? We had a small playhouse with swings and a slide. Is your mall nice? GOD no. You better accept the possibility of getting shot before you walk in there. There's nothing that cool at all there. Do you have a Sonic near you? If so, what’s your favorite drink from there? Yeah. I love the strawberry slushy, and the Reese's Blast thing if KILLER. Will you be voting in the presidential elections next time around? Yes. How do you feel about chocolate-covered strawberries? GOOD. STUFF. Did you ever stop having feelings for someone and then started having those feelings again for them? I think so. Do you hate the last guy you had a thing with? No, he's my closest guy friend. To whom did you last give the finger? Probably some idiot that ran a red light. I'm sure it happened in the car, whenever it happened What was the last musical instrument played in your presence? I've got no clue. Do you like sprinkles on your ice cream? No, I hate the texture difference. And just sprinkles in general. Honestly, have you ever crashed a party before? No. Do you know how to do the moon walk? No. Has anybody ever told you that you have a good singing voice? Yeah, but I beg to differ. Onion rings or french fries? French fries. I'm not a big fan of the other. Has anybody ever described you as a heart breaker? Nope. Has anybody ever told you that you talk too fast? When I'm excited, yes, it happens sometimes. Who is the best cook that you know? Uhhhhh idk. Which meal throughout the day do you skip the most? I don't really skip meals. What’s the largest amount that you can juggle at one time? I can’t juggle at all. What was your favorite thing to go on at the playground as a kid? Swings. I'd dash to those at recess to try to actually get one. Do you know how much you weighed at birth? How much? All I know is six pounds, no clue on the ounces. Which aspect of your daily routine takes the most time? What do you do? Sitting my ass at the computer, really... I don't exactly do much. Do you enjoy buying gifts for others, or could you do without this? It feels sucky of me considering whenever I do get someone a gift, it's because Mom is letting me use her money with me being without an income, BUT I still do LOVE the process of thinking of something meaningful for those important to me and hopefully seeing them love whatever I got them. I cannot wait until I actually can do that regularly. What is one thing you are expected to do, if anything? Take care of my pets. How do you tend to view driving? Monotonous or entertaining? I hate driving because you're in a speeding box of death, man. I do really want to start working towards my license though; I've long since reached the "enough is enough" point. But first I need new glasses so I can actually see five feet in front of me. Do you enjoy talking about music with others? Yeah! Is acting something you enjoy? No. I'm too awkward about it. When do you feel most accomplished? When I finish a big art pierce. Do you think Manwich is amazing or completely gross? I like 'em. Just messy, which I'm not a fan of. How many best friends do you have? One. Are you a smoker, drinker, pothead or none of the above? None of the above. If you have your ears pierced, when did you get them pierced? I don't remember exactly, but I was a kid. Do you own any exercise machines? No. I wish. On Facebook, do you have people listed as your siblings who aren’t really your siblings? Nah, but I used to do that. Have you ever drawn or painted a self-portrait? Painted, but only because it was a school assignment. Who was your last voicemail from? I don't get voicemails because mine isn't even set up. Have you ever been falsely accused of something serious? No. Did you ever set up a lemonade stand when you were a kid? No. When was the last time you spoke to someone in a different language? Not since I was taking a test in high school for my German course. My teacher was a Germany native, so she was a total pro and fun to learn from. Have you ever received an anonymous gift? No. Have you ever camped out somewhere for an event the next day? No. That's always sounded miserable to me. When were you the saddest in your life? 2016 was fucking miserable. Do you know anyone, personally, who is in an abusive relationship? Are you? I don't know if it's abusive, but it's toxic and dysfunctional as HELL. I don't know WHY she keeps going back to him, I feel awful for the woman. I'm definitely not, 'cuz I wouldn't tolerate that shit for half a second. If you have siblings, have they moved out or do they still live with you? They've both moved out by now. Have you ever gotten searched by the cops? Yes, as a safety protocol with mental illness stuff. Do you like fried rice? Yes. What was the last thing you drank? Would you believe me if I told you I have water right now?

[nthnstrky007]

Unit Alias #1: “The Flow of Water Breaks the Dame!”

As the bullets whizzed passed my head, only one thought stood out from all the noise and panic around me: I know I should have eaten toast instead of that bagel this morning. It’s just, I get so tired of the same old whole wheat toast and almond butter; it’s not my fault the fabric of reality starts to fold in on itself everytime I choose something new for breakfast. After another twenty seconds of some mindless brutes trying to turn my apartment into a modern artist’s tribute to swiss cheese, a voice of remote reason finally speaks up:

��Leonardo Crews, please step away from the bean bag chair”.

I can’t help but roll my eyes. It’s her: Sharon Winstead. The woman who would surely be my handler if the US government had their way and I became a secret agent or lab rat or whatever the heck they’d want me to do with these powers. I stand up and make a couple steps to the right as I put my hands on my head. At least the government sent a nice pair of legs to yell at me.  

One of the armed boneheads she brought with her speaks up, ‘Why would you hide behind a froggy bean bag chair?”

“Cause who the hell would ever shoot a froggy bean bag chair?” I challenge him and the two other armored doofuses.

They all mumble and meet eyes until one of them sheepishly says: “he’s right…” 

Sharon, the not so love-able stick in the mud that she is, won’t let me have fun for too long. “Your work here is done unit Alias. Go downstairs and do the usual routine with the landlord; come back, as I planned, when you’re done”. 

A couple ‘yes ma’ams’ and military mumbo jumbo is thrown around as they leave. I can’t help but feel sorry for guys who would willingly join an organization that has the loyalty of a teenage boy after a positive pregnancy test. 

“Real smart fellas you have there.��

Sharon looks at me, I guess with a hint of disappointment. “You know as well as I that if they were going for the kill, you’d be dead”. 

“Along with a couple billion realtites and, knowing how much the universe seems to adore me, time itself. And what’s up with ‘your plan’ anyway? The military never came in guns blazing before. Don’t you geniuses know how important I am?” 

“Are you threatening us now Leonardo?”

I relax my arms at my side as I walk into the pantry. The universe is on my team, as always, when I see one of the only undamaged things is what I’m looking for. I walk out in a sufficiently better mood with my packet of poptarts. “I’m just asking questions that pertain to the continuation of existence itself”. 

Sharon scoffs and continues on: “Do you understand the magnitude of such threats, Leonardo?”

 I wave her off with my free hand after opening my second breakfast. “ What threats? And please, it’s Leo; I’m not an award winning actor, just a potential destroyer of the timestream” I see the red emerge in her face and can’t help but chuckle. It's a mystery to me how she was able to secure one of the most secretive and ‘important’ jobs in the world with such a short fuse. Despite the fact that she is totally unlikable, the babe has grown on me over the years so I give her restless mind a break: “Y’know I’m not gonna go awol, especially when you pay for all my streaming service. And, uh, time wouldn’t be destroyed, just altered in some terrible heinous way. Such as your occupation being changed to stripper.” 

She gives me one more uneasy look before moving on. “You have a place I can sit?” 

“You mean a place you geniuses haven’t shot up yet? Don’t make me say it.”

“The frog chair?” She groans.

“I do believe it's pronounced froggy bean bag chair.” 

She gives her eyes another roll as she sits down in the thing. “Can you sit with me?” 

Sharon likes to remind me that in some ways I’m still a normal human. An example of 

this being a woman with a face and a body like hers asking me to sit down with a voice like hers using a tone like that,  regardless of if she is a facist pig or not, I’m probably gonna sit with her. 

“What’s the prob Bob?” I sit criss-cross applesauce a yard or so across from her. 

To my disappointment, not exactly my surprise, she grows serious as soon as I sit down. 

“We can’t keep doing this dance Leonardo.” 

“Doing what dance?” I let out the question with a bit of playful innocence.

“That.” She takes a moment to think before she begins her spill. “The U.W.O is not going to remain patient. The fate of existence potentially depends on what you have for lunch and you refuse to follow the guidelines that we give you. You probably can’t count how many times you’ve been told this, but you’re an anomaly. The only thing we have to go off of is my father’s theories: the regular flow of time is completely dependent on you. Every decision you make can drastically change our world’s past and half the time we can’t even detect those changes. Not to mention, if certain parts of that theory are true, the effects you can be having on our future. Leo, history is a book that you can rip up on an unknowing whim and the future is more uncertain that it has any right to be”. 

“And yet we keep dancing…”

“Excuse me?” 

I look at her for a second thinking that she for sures knows where I’m going, but it becomes clear to me she doesn’t. “You’re coming here to warn me. The U.W.O  knows that you’re the only person I can stand getting yelled at by so they send you here every time I decide to live my life so you can flutter your eyes and tell me not to. How many times have you been here this month? I admit the whole shoot-em-up bit is new, but other than that this is the same old routine we’ve done for the past year. The  only difference is I’ve been doing it my whole goddamn life and you’ve been doing it for a fraction of yours”. 

The woman actually cracks a smile as she comprehends what I’m saying. I don’t know if it’s mocking or understanding me, but, seeing as I have nothing else to do, I let her spill. “You call this living Leo? I don’t know what you do to mess up the timestream, but, judging by the hours of footage that features you exclusively watching ‘He-man’ reruns, I sure as hell know it’s not living. What, you played a new video game? Flushed the toilet too fast? You’re not living; the life you’re leading is not worth risking history for”. The sarcasm and aggression starts to leave her eyes as she looks at my face. I begin to open my mouth in defense when she shushes me with a new, almost maternal, attitude. “But I didn’t come here to play our twisted game of house. I’ve been in contact with my father”.

The news strikes a rare chord of hope in me. Sharon’s father was the closest thing I had to a dad when I grew up in the compound. He was also the one who convinced the board of directors to let me out when I turned eighteen. “Let out” is an odd way of saying letting me live in a heavily guarded cell that just happens to be in an apartment building. He ended up deciding he didn’t want to be a mindless puppet and left the U.W.O along with all his research. Last I heard, which was a very long time ago, he was up to a more scholarly pursuit. “How is he?”

She smiles as she thinks of her father. “He’s getting philosophical in his old age. After he left, he started living like a hermit in some remote island in the Atlantic. A place they’d have trouble finding if they ever were to look; he’s getting into some rebellious stuff there Leo. He wants you to leave and come see him. He wants to end this dance.”

“By ‘rebellious’, do you mean some dooms-day shit?” the words come out as the hope comes out of me. “We don’t know what the reaction will be if I get in a boat or plane. We barely know what’s gonna happen if I leave this building again. Make fun of me all you want, but, you basically said it yourself, 80s tv is the only life I can safely lead”.

“He told me to trust him. If he’s wrong, the situation will be no worse than it was before”. I could easily read the doubt in her face. “Or at least to him.”

“So what? The world ending is the same as the world not ending? Existence is all a lie and it doesn’t matter anyway? Don’t tell me he’s become some quasi-intellectual pothead who posts on psychedelic-themed online forums.” 

She rolls her eyes in response to my joke. “He’s disillusioned with our current world authority. He lived his whole thinking a plantery world order would be a good thing, so much so he helped to achieve it. Apparently after all those years and work, he thinks their practices are going to end us all. The way he sees it, the world may just end tomorrow; it’s any day now to him. In a certain manner of words, he’s desperate.”   

“And you?” 

She gives me another genuine look. “I trust my father as a leader and I care about you. He believes it's the right thing to do and you can’t keep up like this. Some of the things I’ve had to do this past year is enough for me to give up on doing the right thing through the government. Your problem is a problem that we might be able to fix on our own and trying is a lot better than you just rotting here waiting to die. Any ‘director’ who doesn’t like that can screw off.”

I let my eyes widen. “No one’s in on this? Why’d you bring the unit with you? Surely the bigwigs wire you up before you take their dogs for a walk?” 

“Watch your words; dogs we are no more, unit Alias, at least, is on this. No wires or strings attached. The general consensus is the current plan of keeping the world safe from you is eventually going to collapse without change; I can’t say they have the personal stake that my father has with the way he views us as siblings”.   

“Can’t really blame them for being worried or not particularly liking me, but they’re not here because of  what happened because of my bagel?” 

“What?”

“You came here to break me out, not to punish me for eating a bagel instead of toast?”

Sharon pulls a phone out of her pocket and scrolls through. “Oh…”

“What?”

“The ephilfel tower was built in Germany”.  

[mxliv-oftheendless]

Ruining KISStory: The False King of Persia, Pt. 1

Oh my, what could this be? Why, it’s another Ruining KISStory installment! I am officially back home for the rest of the semester, so I decided, what the hell, and finished this up for y’all! This has to be the most hilarious episode, and it’s also my absolute favorite, so prepare thyselves! Part 2 will be posted shortly! Hope you enjoooooy!!!

Tag list: @cosmicrealmofkissteria @ashestoashesvvi @kategwidt @retronova

[camera opens on Paul, who is sitting at a panel. A map of the world is hung up behind him. The sound of tuning violins plays in the background]

PAUL: Welcome to Ruining History! Today we’re gonna talk about the ascension of Darius the Great.

[camera pans out to the full panel. From left to right: Vinnie, Gene, Paul, Bruce, Ace]

BRUCE: Darius?

PAUL: Darius.

BRUCE: That’s a kinda modern name. I know like five Dariuses.

PAUL: Well, maybe they were inspired by this guy.

BRUCE: [shrugs] All of ‘em are pretty average. [panel laughs]

[intro and title card]

[cuts back to panel]

PAUL: You guys know anything about Darius?

BRUCE: He’s a bass player.

PAUL: [laughs slightly] Heh, no, I mean Darius the Great.

ACE: He’s a bassist and he owes me 40 bucks. [Bruce laughs]

PAUL: He was a Persian king; he was known for uniting the Persian Empire. He’s actually thought to be the greatest Persian king. Also, I should say now: this story is not really about Darius much at all, so much as the weird chain of events that led to him becoming king.

GENE: [seriously] Is Al Capone a part of this story at all?

PAUL: [snorts] Pfft, no, Gene. This is in ancient Persia. There are a lot of characters in this one, so I decided to make models as little visual aids. [reaches under the table and takes out a small figurine labeled CYRUS THE GREAT] Now we’re gonna start with this guy, named Cyrus.

ACE: Oh, that’s a kid on Andi Mack!... Not that I watch.

[screen cuts away to a title card:

CHAPTER I:

A DEAD GUY AND HIS TWO WEIRD SONS

screen then cuts to animations as Paul narrates, while traditional Middle Eastern music plays]

PAUL [voiceover]: First, there was Cyrus the Great, founder of the Achaemenian Empire, which was sort of in this region here, in Turkey, the Middle East, and spilling into Asia. Kind of a big deal. Darius just so happened to be a distant relative of Cyrus, but the king didn’t seem to care for him. As legend tells, he had a dream about the twenty-year-old Darius, in which Darius had, quote, “wings on his shoulders, the one wing overshadowing Asia and the other Europe.” Cyrus interpreted this as a sign that Darius was plotting against him.

ACE: Pretty sure every ex-girlfriend I’ve had…

BRUCE: [nods] Yeah…

ACE: … has gotten pissed at me for doin’ something bad in a dream.

GENE: [nods] I remember that happened with Shannon once.

VINNIE: Is this the time where she banished you to the couch? [Ace laughs]

GENE: [frowns] No, that was something else.

BRUCE: Can I just say, both Cyrus and Darius look like they belong in that one Lloyd-Webber musical.

PAUL: Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat?

BRUCE: Yeah, that one.

PAUL [voiceover]: But it wouldn’t really matter what Darius thought, because he was caught up in a conflict with Tomyris, the queen of the Massagetae. And after she slayed him in battle, what she did is, according to some accounts, cut his head off, then dunked it into a skin of blood like a gory Oreo, stating, “I make good my threat, and give you your fill of blood.” So… that’s it for Cyrus.

ACE: Damn!

BRUCE: What’s a skin full of blood?

PAUL: It’s like a wineskin, but with blood.

GENE and VINNIE: Ohhh.

PAUL: [picks up the Cyrus figurine] So that’s— [pulls off Cyrus’s head] —the end for Cyrus.

ACE: Oof, it came right off!

PAUL [voiceover]: Now Cyrus had two sons, Cambyses and Smerdis. Cambyses was described as, quote, “an ardent, impetuous, and self-willed boy, such as the sons of rich and powerful men are apt to become.” And Smerdis was described as… I dunno. His brother.

ACE: [bursts out laughing, as does Vinnie]

PAUL: [takes out figurines labeled CAMBYSES AND SMERDIS] So we got this guy, [holds up Cambyses] Cambyses, who’s got sort of a superior look. And Smerdis, [holds up Smerdis] who’s just sorta chill.

ACE: Me Smerdis! [panel laughs] Kinda got a Charlie Brown sorta tunic on.

PAUL: Yeah, he does. [moves Cambyses and Smerdis to be on either side of the headless Cyrus figurines] I’ll put them here with their dad.

GENE: “Oh, Papa’s head’s missing! Ha ha ha ha!”

PAUL [voiceover]: Being Cyrus’s firstborn son, Cambyses inherited the throne, and very quickly decided to invade Egypt. This made people think he was crazy; and honestly, it’s kinda fair, because he was a bit of a reckless guy. While in Egypt, for example, he asked to see their sacred bull… and then he stabbed it to death.

ACE: [bursts out laughing]

BRUCE: [laughing] Oh my god… Jesus…

ACE: That’s so funny.

VINNIE: Kind of rude. Ancient Egyptians didn’t deserve that.

PAUL: Yeah, it is rude. You show up, ask to see their sacred bull…

ACE [tapping the table] “Can I see your sacred buuuuull? I promise I won’t touch it!”

VINNIE: It would take a long time to stab a bull to death, so I bet they were just like, “Please stop stabbing our bull…”

BRUCE: [laughs] Yeah, and he’s just staring them in the eye and just— [pretends to stab. Gene laughs]

PAUL [voiceover]: Cambyses was also known for his fits of blinding rage and making rash decisions that he would later regret. Take for example, the story of Croesus. Croesus had been a close friend and counselor to Cyrus, who asked him to watch over Cambyses. With that in mind, one day Croesus decided to offer Cambyses some constructive criticism. He warned the king that he’d been treating his men cruelly. Annnnd you can probably guess what was bound to happen to him.

GENE: How so? How was he treating them cruelly?

PAUL: He was known for being really reckless. There’s one story where a guy told Cambyses that he thought he drank too much…

GENE: I’m sure it didn’t end well for that guy.

PAUL: And Cambyses went, “Okay, if that’s true, I shouldn’t be able to shoot a bow.” So he called the man’s son in, and had him stand against the wall, and he said, “If I drink too much, then I’ll probably miss this shot.” And then he shot the man’s son in the heart.

GENE: Oh…

VINNIE: The man’s son?

PAUL: Uh huh.

GENE: Oof… that’s way worse than what I was imagining. I was just imagining him being a bratty dick or something. But no, that’s worse.

PAUL: Yep.

ACE: Maybe he was aimin’ for the face, an’ he really was too drunk. [Bruce laughs]

VINNIE: [laughs] “Oh, I just meant to take out an eye.”

ACE: “Aw man, did you guys see that?!”

GENE: Or he had to play it off like that was his plan all along.

ACE: Wakes up the next morning an’ he’s like [rubs his eyes with his hands] “Ugggh, what did I do last night?” [panel laughs] “Tell me I didn’t murder anyone’s kid.”

PAUL [voiceover]: Anyway, Croesus warned the king that he’d been treating his men cruelly, and that it wasn’t a great way to keep their loyalty. Cambyses responded by telling the supportive old man that he’d always hated him. He pulled out a bow and arrow, and Croesus fled the scene.

VINNIE: Does he just have a bow and arrow on him at all times?

BRUCE: [laughing] He takes out his bow and arrow; “Where’s your son, man?” [panel laughs]

GENE: Love how this guy knew what was coming and was like, “Aw shit, it’s heart-shootin’ time! I’m gettin’ outta here!”

PAUL [voiceover]: Cambyses ordered his officers to chase after the man and kill him. They did chase after him, but knowing the mad king would likely regret having his friend killed, they instead hid Croesus away. A few days later, when, as expected, Cambyses expressed remorse over his actions, his men revealed that—surprise! Croesus was still alive! Cambyses was overjoyed. He then had those guards executed for disobeying him.

[whole panel bursts out laughing]

BRUCE: Jesus Christ!

GENE: What the fuck…

VINNIE: Literally killing the messenger!

ACE: “You’ve brought me such joy… Where’s my bow and arrow?” [panel laughs]

BRUCE: “Bring me my bow and your sons.”

PAUL [voiceover]: Anyway, back to the story. Cambyses decided to bring his brother, Smerdis, along with him to Egypt. It’s thought that Cambyses was jealous of Smerdis, and worried that if he left him alone in Persia, he might stage a coup and seize a throne. Since both brothers were away from their hometown, Cambyses left a magian in charge of keeping an eye on his palace. Magians were basically just a priestly class.

PAUL: I’ve actually got a big Persia set. [takes out a cardboard set that looks like a Persian castle]

VINNIE: Oooh, nice.

PAUL: Thank you. [takes out a figurine labeled MAGIAN and puts it in front of the Persia set]

BRUCE: Wait, so Cambyses is worried that his brother’s gonna seize the throne… so he prevents this by giving the throne to a stranger?

PAUL: I mean, I assume it was someone he trusted.

GENE: Why does—Why does the magian have red eyes? Is that a—artistic thing?

PAUL: He’s a spooky magician.

GENE: Okay.

ACE: [giggling] Or he’s just high as fuck.

GENE: [snickering] So in his free time, he’s a pothead magician.

BRUCE: All magicians are potheads.

ACE: I dunno, I always thought magicians were more cocaine guys.

PAUL: [thinks and nods] Yeah, I guess that makes sense. They’re got a lot of energy.

GENE: Not David Blaine.

ACE: Ah, yeah, that’s true.

GENE: No one’s ever had to tell David Blaine to calm down.

PAUL [voiceover]: Meanwhile, in Egypt: Cambyses had a troubling dream about Smerdis, in which he saw his brother, quote, “seated on a royal throne in Persia, his form expanded supernaturally to such a prodigious size that he touched the heavens with his head.” Fed up with Smerdis, he ordered him to skedaddle back to Persia. And then he seemed to remember why he was concerned about Smerdis being alone in Persia in the first place. So, he called upon one of his men, Prexaspes

[panel ooohs as Paul takes out a figurine labeled PREXASPES]

BRUCE: Oh wow, I didn’t know we had a stylist here!

VINNIE: That’s a great robe he’s got!

PAUL: [looks at the camera] Full disclosure: none of these drawings are historically accurate.

BRUCE: [looks at the camera] All of these drawings are historically accurate.

ACE: They might be. Prove ‘im wrong.

PAUL: Prove me wrong!

PAUL [voiceover]: Cambyses called upon one of his men, Prexaspes, to track down Smerdis and secretly assassinate him. Prexaspes would do so, and he succeeded. He returned to the king and gave him the good news: Smerdis, his one serious threat to his power, was now dead.

PAUL: Also, [laughs] I don’t know where this fits in the story, but Prexaspes was the guy whose son was killed by Cambyses.

ACE: No way?! [bursts out laughing as the rest of the panel laughs]

GENE: That’s hilarious!

VINNIE: Also [giggles] the name Prexaspes sounds like a medication of some kind.

ACE: [laughs] “Ask your doctor if Prexaspes is right for you.”

PAUL [voiceover]: Shortly after, though, Cambyses would receive more news, some rather shocking news given the circumstances. In his absence, his throne had been taken… by SMERDIS?! Yep, by Smerdis.

ACE: [looks comically shocked] The dead Smerdis?!

BRUCE: Oh shit!

PAUL: So we know have this mysterious Smerdis. [takes out a figurine identical to the Smerdis figure, except it is labeled SMERDIS(?)]

ACE: So someone,, posing as Smerdis… See this is why people get verified on Twitter.

BRUCE: [laughs and nods] I mean, yeah, you’ve got a point. [to Paul] You should put a blue check mark over the real Smerdis.

PAUL: [grins and points his finger at the Smerdis figurine. A blue Twitter checkmark appears on the head as well as a text box that says VERIFIED]

GENE: Wait a minute, did he ever consider that the guy lied about what he did?

PAUL: No, he trusts that guy.

GENE: I just think it’s odd that he immediately thinks its an imposter, instead of thinking the guy was lying.

[screen cuts away to a title card:

CHAPTER II:

TO BE SMERDIS OR NOT TO BE SMERDIS

screen then cuts to animations as Paul narrates]

PAUL [voiceover]: Cambyses was, at first, greatly confuzzled by this recent development. Until someone reminded him of an important little detail, that made it clear to him that this must have been a power grab by an opportunistic usurper. I’m gonna leave that detail a mystery for now so that you continue to watch this video…

GENE: How does no one in the kingdom know this isn’t the real Smerdis?

BRUCE: It’s the beards, man. [Ace and Vinnie laugh]

GENE: Are you sure? I feel like…

BRUCE: Nah, man, everyone’s got a beard, ya can’t tell anyone apart.

ACE: “Alright, if you’re Smerdis, what did I give you for your birthday last year?” “An urn.” “Damn, it is Smerdis!”

To be continued in Part 2!

[lugazelle]

I thought today. A lot

and please is any of this makes you think of your opinion on the topic (not on my opinion) please share it. The topics will be bolded bc i ended up ranting.

I live by the moon. Like she’s a clock. and that’s just my lifestyle, it works for me. Usually I smoke on full (& new) moons, to relax and release all that’s been on my mind for the past few weeks. Today was the first time in a long time that I smoked because i skipped last new moon.

Quid

One, i realized that the stigma of smoking weed really been fw me because i don’t like people thinking shit about me that’s not true. And i’m not some dumb pothead, I don’t smoke until my eyes hurt and i don’t say stupid shit that can’t be understood. So i decided to finally genuinely understand that what people think doesn’t fucking make any ripple in my life UNLESS they’re in my life and making me feel weird for not believing what they do.

people

My whole thing about that is, like I don’t care what you think so why does my thoughts piss you off? why can’t we just see that we have two different minds so we have two different lives? And that just makes me really think about a lot. Like because people can’t mind their own mind and thoughts they out here arguing about different shit all over the world. Like damn,

social self

I just realized that i’m not an introvert, which i knew because i love parties, I just don’t go because i don’t like being around people that make me feel like they only speak to people that agree with them in some way or another. and one thing about me, I’m not going to sit and figured out what we have in common because it could take all day. So now i’m just going to be 100%, straight blunt with everything i say. If it’s not a vibe off rip, i will ask you a difficult same may say taboo ass questions and regardless of your answer i’m going to just sit and hear you out.

this wasn’t what i thought of then i was typing but this is my truth, because before i was going to say fuck em if we don’t vibe but this makes it feel like it can open more minds if i do it with everyone.

a solution

So i think that part of the problem i’m at least america is that we are divided on a lot. The newest argument is over the vaccines and the freedom to get or not get it, that’s on top of the abortion and women’s reproductive freedoms, and that’s on top of the freedom to be a different race. It’s a big ass division sundae.

I think that because we have the media pushing one narrative heavier than another, belittling the beliefs of people; and it’s just overall causing people, who already believe in the side of whichever argument they’re covering, to be fueling with prejudice.

here’s an idea for a possible solution y’all. We get a bunch of people with differing beliefs, who respect other peoples choices and thoughts, and start to seek out news reporters at vaccine spots and speak with them as a group of people with differing mindsets.

We need more people representing the other side without the emotion behind it, just strictly personal reasoning and facts. We need to be seen

If you see the end of this. you’re dope, what’s up. i think we’d vibe together. Share you personal ideas about it. and let’s be friends.

[auditionharbor]

Danny and the Deep Blue Sea

by John Patrick Shanley

Female, Dramedy

ROBERTA: Listen! There. You hear it? Big boats. It's not a block over or like that, but the ocean's right out there. See? That's a big boat goin down some like river to the ocean. There's boats right up by Westchester Square. What's that, twenty blocks? Look sometime, you'll see 'em. Not the real big ones, but big. Sea boats. I met a sailor in the bar one time. In the outfit, you know? I was all over him. But he turned out to be nothin--a pothead. He giggled a lot. It was too bad because... Well, it was too bad. When we got married, me and Billy, that was my husband, we smoked a ball of opium one night. It really knocked me out. I fell asleep like immediately. And I dreamed about the ocean. It was blue. And there was the sun, and it was real yellow. And I was out there, right in the middle of the ocean, and I heard this noise. I turned around, and whaddaya think I saw? Just about right next to me. A whale! A whale came shootin straight outta the water! A whale! Yeah! And he opened up his mouth and closed it while he was up there in the air. And people on the boat said, Look! The whales are jumpin! And no shit, these whales start jumpin outta the water all over the place. And I can see them! Through one a those round windows. Or right out in the open. Whales! Gushin outta the water, and the water gushin outta their heads, you know, spoutin! And then, after a while, they all stopped jumpin. It got quiet. Everybody went away. The water smoothed out. But I kept lookin at the ocean. So deep and blue. And different. It was different then. 'Cause I knew it had all them whales in it.

[thebudtendersociety]

These White cookies 🍪 from @yerba.buena.farms are Lookin schmexy over at @budjunction Lots of great strains to choose from ,make sure you check em out if your in Josephine county 👍🏼👏🏼🍁🔥 #Whitecookies #cookiesorbetter #ommp #olcc #frostynugs #frostitute #trichomes #recweed #indoorcannabis #cannabisconnoisseur #budtender #budtenders #budtenderlife #budtendersociety #cannabisculture #pnwstoners #nugs #buds #loudsmoke #dabs #prerolls #dispensary #topshelf #cannabisindustry #nugstagram #pothead #stoner #southernoregon #oregon #pnwonderland

[h8ful-soul]

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A post shared by Bong Rips And Coughing Fits (@highas.fvck)

Raining outside yesterday out here in the Work parking lot .. fuck em #smokingatwork #functioningstoner #medicalmarijuana #ohiostate #magnetos #waxmaid #siliconebong #bic #transstoner #transman #weedhead #pothead

[nooradeservedbetter]

C!! Can you like post some lesbian Noora hc:s because I need em real bad and you're the mvp when it comes to lesbian Noora hc:s and I love them all!!

Everything for you Nate!

So Noora is the beautiful cross between a femme and a butch, and she enjoys calling herself futch. She’ll take Eva’s flannels and tucks them into her high waisted jeans, and then apply the perfect matte lipstick to match it all;

She still feels a bit guilty about the comp het that made her go through her first boyfriend and then through William and managed to really fuck her up in the meantime. She has a hard time coming to terms with the fact that she was supposed to be an educated feminist girl, and she didn’t see the glaring red flags;

(When it gets bad, she goes to Eva, and Eva hugs her without saying anything, rocks her a bit and they fall asleep in the same bed;)

She still has a lot of internalised lesbophobia and has to consciously stop herself from feeling creepy every time she likes a girl, but she’s also really good at that and she knows there’s nothing wrong with her;

And sometimes she goes to gay bars with Eskild and flirts with girls drinking a Shirley Temple. She feels so free while she does it, because it’s allowed, because they like her;

She has a great friendship with Vilde; they talk a lot, they started talking when they both came out as lesbians and they never really stopped talking. Noora started out on a rocky road with her, but now Vilde’s one of the most important people in her life, and she wouldn’t want to have it otherwise;

Similarily, she also has a great relationship with Isak; she couldn’t believe it at first, because Isak was the grumpy boy who avoided her when she got home from London, but now they’re the bestest of study mates, always striving for that 6, and after having finished studying, they smoke one together;

(She became quite a bit pothead because fuck alcohol, that’s not for her, but the relaxation that comes with weed is something she likes a lot;)

The last Halloween party she went, she was dressed as a Straight People, with a wife beater and a snapback. Isak actually pretended to get offended;

There was someone else who got offended that she was stereotyping straight people;

Noora and Vilde literally murdered him;

She reads so much lesbian literature, like so much; she buys everything she can get her hands on, both fiction and non-fiction, and when she doesn’t have anything to read, she gets straight to the academic essays;

Same with films and tv shows. It doesn’t have lesbians? She doesn’t trust it;

She has the hugest crush on Eva, but since Eva’s her best friend, she’s afraid to tell her because she thinks it’ll ruin their friendship;

When she tells that to Vilde, Vilde scrunches up her nose and goes that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard and then proceeds to be a hassle till Noora actually decides to confess her feelings to Eva;

When she confesses her feelings to Eva, her heart is beating so hard that she actually doesn’t hear the positive response at first, and she’s a bit shocked when Eva kisses her;

(Also after a while that they’re dating they discover that they’re both in love with Vilde, and their couple becomes a triad. K? K;)

And she’ll live happily ever after lesbianing in downtown Oslo with her beautiful girlfriends.

Also, kittens:

[totallytubulargirl]

Tmnt loveboat: CHAPTER 3

Authors note: I know this is so very long but I hope you like it. There’s no smut, it’s fluff lol but most of it is just them hanging out.

Warnings: For drug use I guess?

Summary: Michelangelos new friend is a pothead and when she shows Mikey her stash, he calls his brothers over. What will they do? Read and find out.

Chapter 3 Mikey sat behind harmony on her fire escape, watching her open the window. They entered into her apartment, the smell of cinnamon and warmth swathed them. It had been getting colder and colder outside lately, with winter just around the corner. Mikey looked around her apartment, an orange candle throwing out a soft light as Harmony looked for the light switch. “I think I like your place better then mine.” Said Mikey. Her apartment was homey, throw pillows swallowed the couch, and fall decorations were everywhere. “You really know how to decorate.” Harmony flipped on the light in her living room. “Thanks,” she replied. “I’m going to go change real quick.” She ran into her bedroom, leaving Mikey sitting on her couch, still reeling from the events of the night. She came back, wearing cute flannel pants and a plain white t shirt. She walked into the kitchen, tying her hair up as Michelangelo watched her. “Nice pj’s, babe.” Mikey smiled. She rolled her eyes at his comment, reaching for a glass of orange juice. She took a gulp at her kitchen sink before putting away the juice, and walking back into the living room to sit next to Mikey. Mikey looked around, suddenly realizing an awkward silence had settled into the room. “Do you call every girl babe?” She asked, not wanting to know the answer. Mikey had been flirting with her all night, even his brothers had been making comments about it, but she didn’t know him, what if this is just the way he was? Mikey squirmed. He had never thought about it like that. He called April babe, but he really only knew two girls. “I guess, but it’s different with you.” Michelangelo fidgeted with his hands, aching for something to cut the tension. Harmony rolled Michelangelo’s words around in her head. Did he say that to everyone? She took a deep breath. Chill, she told herself. I just met him. But the harder she tried to push her feelings down, the more she knew that he was different. Mikey popped up, pointing at a picture of Harmonys mom. “Is this your old lady?” She smiled, “Yes, she died two years ago in a fire.” Harmony dipped her head in an effort to avoid eye contact. “That’s harsh.” Michelangelo whispered. “Sorry.” She waved him off, “Its ok.” Silence chased harmonys words, finally settling into the room again. She set her glass down on her coffee table, opening a thin wooden box that Mikey thought was just there for decoration. The inside revealed several pre-rolled joints and weed on little tray. Mikey’s eyes widened, he rushed back to the couch. “Is that-” “Weed?” She said, finishing his question. It hadn’t occurred to her that Mikey had never seen this stuff before. Before she could muster up an apology, Mikey spoke. “Can I?” She looked at him confused for a second before realizing he was asking her to try some. “Oh yeah sure,” She paused, wanting to make sure he was comfortable every step of the way. “Do you want to call your brothers or something?” Mikey’s eyes popped open, the idea hadn’t occurred to him. “That’s a good idea.” He rushed to the window, flinging it open and waving his arms as if signaling someone to come in. He stepped back and sure enough Raphael and Donatello made their way into her living room. “What’s up?” Said Raphael, sitting on one of her bar stools. “Hello.” Donnie waved awkwardly. “Guys, guys, guys!” Mikey exclaimed, plopping himself next to harmony again. “You’ll never believe what she has.” He double checked the room, as if hiding something from someone. “Ok, show ‘em babe.” Harmonys cheeks flared, she thought about the conversation they just had. Does he not care? She asked herself. Or did he really mean what he said? She quickly erased those thoughts, remembering that all eyes were on her. She opened her box, they all inched forward. “Is that-” “Weed?” Replied Mikey. “Yeah, it is.” Donatello stared in awe. “Did you invite us to-” “Yup.” Mikey interrupted, again. “Damn.” Raph stated. All three of the brothers looked at each other, as if they were reading each other’s minds. Harmony noticed that they did that a lot, she always felt left out but knew that it was a brotherly thing. “Do you guys want me to-” “No it’s ok let’s do this.” Said Mikey, confidently. Raphael and Donatello huffed in agreement. “What about Leonardo?” Asked Harmony. “That’s going to take a lot of convincing.” Chimed Donatello. “Yeah,” agreed Mikey. “Let’s just keep this on the down low for now.” Harmony was happy to comply. “Ok are you guys ready?” She asked, expectantly. They stared at her, ready to learn. She brought the joint to her lips, and lit the opposite end, sucking in air as she pulled away the lighter. She held her breath, somehow captivating the turtles’ attention with her every move. She let her breath go. “See super simple.” She passed the joint to Mikey. “And you always pass to the left.” She smiled, and watched Mikey struggle to suck in smoke. She put the lighter up against the joint again. “Sometimes it stops rolling so you’ll need to light it again.” Mikey sucked in as strongly as he could, coughing up everything at once. “Woah.” He mustered in between coughs, shaking his head. He passed it to Donatello. Donnie rolled the joint in between his fingers a couple of times, examining it, before sticking it in between his lips. He inhaled, passing it to Raphael as he released his breath. Harmony would have never thought in a million years that one day she would be smoking weed with 3 mutant turtles, one which she had a crush on. They all watched Raphael take a hit and hold the smoke in his lungs, longer then any one else had. The three brothers gave it a couple minutes to hit them. Harmony took another hit. “You guys feelin’ anything?” Asked raph. Michelangelo and Donatello shook their heads. Harmony on the other hand, felt a slight head change. “Just give it more time.” She advised. They shrugged their shoulders and decided to wait a little longer ——–>(timeskip) Michelangelo sunk into the couch. Never before had he felt a couch so soft. He looked at harmony, who’s neck was resting on his bicep. Donatello sat back in his chair with bloodshot eyes as Raphael lifted his feet onto Harmonys coffee table. “Hey,” harmony lifted her head slightly, trying to hold back laughter. “That’s my- that’s my coffee table man what the heck.” She laughed. Raphael quietly took his feet off of her table. Harmonys face was flush, warmth running all through her body. “I was just kidding.” She wore a goofy grin that wasn’t directed at anyone but nevertheless remained plastered on her face. “Is cool.” Raphael said quietly. He listened to all his thoughts, slowly, trying not to interact with anyone, wanting to listen to his mind. Donatello on the other hand, seemed to have shut his brain off. The usually obsessive turtle, now quiet and calm. Donnie chuckled. “I like jam,” he frowned. “And I really don’t eat enough of it.” Donatello’s smile quickly re appeared on his face. “Do you have jam, harvest of harmony?” Harmony laughed at Donnie’s nickname for her. “Yeah I actually hand make it.” Donnie’s eyes widened. “That’s so much cooler then anything I do.” “Yeah, go help yourself.” She directed Donnie to the kitchen, and he almost knocked his chair over getting up. Harmony looked over at Michelangelo, realizing that she had been playing with his hand for a few minutes now. She smiled at him, and he smiled back. “What?” He chuckled. “I like you.” She said, still smiling like a child at a candy store. “I like you too.” He snickered. Donnie walked back into the living room with a jar of jam and a spoon. “I found the jam.” He stood in between them, forcing a rift in their gaze. Donnie sat back down, digging into the jam. The room was silent, except for the clicking of a spoon against a glass jar. It went unnoticed as everyone sulked in their own thoughts and stared at the ceiling. “You know I think Leo just burdens a lot,” Mikey blurted, still staring at the ceiling. “Like, he has a lot of responsibility, we should cut him some slack.” Harmony looked at Michelangelo sideways. “I think he just needs to chill a little.” She retorted. “He can’t.” Piped in raph. “He feels responsible for all of us.” He looked at harmony, his face a lighter shade of green then usual, a pink film lightly layered over his eyes. She tried to hold in her laughter, but couldn’t. “Are you ok Raph?” She asked. “Yeah why?” Harmony snickered again. “Nothing it’s just me.” She waved him off, as Raphael withdrew back into his mind. Humans are weird, he thought. She turned over to Mikey, her head making her feel like she was floating. “Mikey,” she said suddenly fighting a losing battle to sleep. “I actually like you.” She admitted, her words slightly slurred. “Me too babe.” He replied casually. “No you don’t get it.” She whined. Donatello interrupted them, not really noticing that they were already engaged in a conversation. “Dang this peach jam is so bomb!” Exclaimed Donnie. “She’s a keeper.” Donnie pointed at harmony with his spoon, and a jar of half eaten jam. She laughed, forgetting about what was saying to Michelangelo a couple seconds before. “Just because of my jam don?” She asked, tilting her head back and forth, as if it were a jug full of water. “I’m sure you have other attractive qualities,” he snickered. “but this one has to be the best.” Mikey laughed. “You’re such a dork Donnie.” “Hey don’t call him that.” Raph said quietly. “He don't like it.” Raph tried to fist bump Donnie, reaching his fist as far out as he could, and dropping it once he realized Donnie was too far away. Donnie smiled. “It’s cool.” He shoved a spoonful of jam into his mouth. “Damn Donnie you’re munchin’ out!” Exclaimed harmony. She stood up as hunger spontaneously consumed her body. “Hey where are you going?” Smiled Mikey. “I’m makin’ some popcorn.” She sang. “Anyone want some?” Raph slowly nodded his head. “Yeah.” She picked up a remote from the coffee table, and tossed it into michelangelos lap. “Put something on the tv.” She requested. He complied, fidgeting with the remote, trying to figure out where the power button was. She walked into the kitchen and popped a bag of popcorn into the microwave. Soon her apartment was filled with a strange combination of cinnamon and popcorn, it smelt amazing. Raphael sauntered into the kitchen. “Yo, you got something to drink?” He asked, the color still drained from his face, his voice reduced to a low grumble. “Ayyye, you got cotton mouth?” She asked. Raphael smacked his mouth, “Sounds about right.” She let Raphael open the fridge and decide for himself, finally choosing a coke. He stood next to her clicking it open as she waited for the popcorn to be done. “Mikey really likes you, you know,” he said, leaning against the stove. She rolled her eyes, “You guys keep saying that but,” she pulled the popcorn out of the microwave. “I feel like he talks to everyone like that.” Her lips formed a thin line of acceptance and disappointment. “Yeah, but he likes you that’s what makes it different don’t let social construct determine what you do.” She shook her head, surprised at Raphael, who really looked like he was going to puke. “Are you ok?” She snorted. He smiled slowly. “Yeah.” Raphael retreated to his chair, with a bag of popcorn, as harmony popped another one into the microwave. She knew that she would have to buy groceries again tomorrow, because there was no way they wouldn’t eat all of her food. “Hey babe, look what I found.” She rolled her eyes at that word. “You know,” she said, running into the living room, with a fresh bag in her hands. “if you’re going to call me that, at least stop calling other girls that.” Mikey stared at her for a second, processing her words, before smiling and agreeing. “Anything for you sweet cakes.” She blushed. “So what did you find?” She asked. “The power button.” He beamed, so very proud of himself. She surveyed the room, before they all burst into laughter. This was going to be a long night, she thought. But at least her new friends were here to keep her company.