#posting it on friday or sat…. depending on when everyone’s up and ready 4 it 🎐

[introloves]

she’s finally done 😭

[soundofseventeen]

Washi Tape (Jeon Wonwoo)

HELLO! So I know I went on a... mild hiatus again but this month has been a rough one for me and I kind of just... forgot about these and writing for a while. So I’m sorry about that. ANYWAY. We are now onto the next request! I hope you all like it! 💛

Requested by anon

(A/N: This story is in the same universe as this Jun post)

36 -  “How did you get in here?”

“Y/N.” Wonwoo sighed, blinking at you slowly. “Just pick one.” 

“But I can’t!!” You said, picking up another roll of tape. “They’re all so pretty! I can’t pick just one!” You pouted, looking between the two rolls you had in your hands, then glancing to the other rolls along the wall. 

“Then get more than one! They have a sale, if you buy 3 you get a fourth one.” He pointed to the sign, you turning your pout to him. Man, he hated when you did that. 

“You know I don’t have enough money to do that AND to buy lunch AND to get my brother’s birthday gift.” You said, looking back at the tape. 

“Then I’ll buy you lunch!” He said, you immediately shaking your head. 

“No, you have bought lunch for me the last 2 weekends. I am paying for my own food this time.” You said, looking between the two in your hand again. One had pandas on it and the other was a water color space one. You couldn’t pick. 

“Then I’ll buy you the tapes. We’ve been in this store for a half hour, I will buy the tapes if it gets us out of here.” He chuckled, giving you a smile. 

“I can’t have you do that.” Wonwoo just rolled his eyes, taking the tapes out of your hand. “Wonwoo!” 

“Either pick two more tapes or get out.” He said, raising an eyebrow at you. 

“Get out?” You looked at him, trying to grab the tapes again. Unfortunately, Wonwoo’s reach was just outside of yours. 

“Okay, go wait in the hall. I’m picking the other two. Go on, get out.” 

“But Wonwoo-”

“Get out or I’m getting those highlighters you want too.” You widened your eyes, knowing how much those cost. 

“Fine, but you better pick good ones.” You pointed at him, Wonwoo chuckling. 

“I’ll pick out special ones, go wait in the hall.” He said, pushing you towards the door. You stuck your tongue out at him, which he returned. You quickly turned around before you cheeks heated up too much from Wonwoo’s smile. 

You found a bench outside the store, sitting on it and tapping your foot. You stared at the door, waiting for him to come out. What was taking him so long? You just figured he’d pick two other random ones and then come right out. You knew he was probably only in there for a couple minutes, but waiting for him felt like forever. You even realized you had been staring at the door when you jumped as your phone buzzed, pulling it out. You have expected it to be him, but you sighed as it was Jun. 

“What’s up?” You asked, answering the phone. 

“3 questions, each dependent on the last.” 

“Okay, what’s number one?” 

“You still at the mall with Wonwoo?” He asked, you hearing commotion on the other side. 

“Yeah?” 

“Have you told him you loved him yet?” He asked, you could picture the grin on his face. 

“I’m going to hang up.” 

“No no!” Jun whined, you rolling your eyes. “Come on, you two drive everyone nuts. Just tell the idiot you’re in love with him so we can at least publicly be disgusted by you two.” 

“I’m seriously going to hang up on you now.” 

“Can I ask the last question?” You thought about it for a second, sighing. 

“Sure, what is it?” 

“Can you pick me up some cat toys?” 

“...Why do you need-”

“NO REASON I JUST NEED CAT TOYS.” 

“Jun did you get a cat?” 

“...No.” 

“But you need-”

“Look, I’ll pay you back when you drop them off, bring Wonwoo and tell him you love him. Bye.” Jun said, hanging up the phone but not quite before you heard a crash and Jun yelling something. You put your phone down, blinking at it, mildly amused as you saw the message come in that Jun had sent you money. 

You looked up only to jump again as Wonwoo held a bag in front of your face. 

“You ready?” He asked as you stood up, still holding the bag out to you. 

“I guess so. What did you pick out?” You asked, starting to take the bag but Wonwoo pulling it away. 

“You can’t look until you get home.” 

“What? Why not?” 

“Because it’s a surprise!” 

“But-”

“You can’t look until you get home.” He repeated, you sighing as you held out your hand. 

“Fine, I won’t look until I get home.” You said, Wonwoo nodding and placing the bag in your hand. “You really didn’t have to do that.”

“I think I did. We would still be in there.” He grinned, you grinning back. “Now come on! I’m hungry and we have to get your brother’s gift. Then we can go home and watch movies!” He said, grabbing your wrist and pulling you down the hall. 

“Oh! We have to stop at Jun’s first.” 

“Why?” Wonwoo looked at you as you caught up to his pace. 

“To drop off cat toys.” 

“...What cat toys?” 

“Oh yeah, we have to buy cat toys.” 

“Did Jun get a cat?” He asked, and you had to admit the mild excitement he had about the potential of Jun having a cat was actually adorable. 

“Well, he said no, so definitely yeah.” You laughed, Wonwoo nodding. 

“Okay, so food, birthday gift, cat toys, Jun’s to see the cat he definitely doesn’t have, then back to your place to watch movies.” He listed, you nodding. 

“Sounds like a plan.” You smiled, your heart thumping at how much today sounded like a day people in a domestic relationship had. Of course, you weren’t in a domestic relationship and he was just helping you out, but still. 

Once you got to the food court, you spent a few minutes debating where to get food from. You both eventually decided on a place, and saw that the line was rather long. Wonwoo also pointed out that the food court looked very busy, so he went to go get the food (you gave him some cash for yours, of course) and you went to find a table. You lucked out and managed to get one that some people had just left, so you texted Wonwoo around where you were and sat down, waiting for him to come back. 

You found yourself staring at the bag from the stationary store. Why didn’t Wonwoo want you to look at the tapes until you got home? Maybe you could take a peek… See which ones he picked for you? 

No, you were going to be strong. You were going to wait. Wonwoo would be back in a bit anyway. 

Then your eyes landed on Wonwoo in line, he did still have a lot of people ahead of him. He was going to be there for a while. You looked back at the bag, then glanced back at Wonwoo. You let out a huff and crossed your arms, which lasted about 4 seconds before you reached out and grabbed the bag. You opened it up, tilting your head. 

You saw the two washi tapes you were debating in the shop, the pandas and the little galaxies sparkling up at you. Then you saw the other two, one with little sunflowers on it, and the other with little varying hearts on it. Your heart picked up a bit at what that meant, but you quickly shook your head. Wonwoo probably just thought that it was pretty and you would like it. You nodded, closing the bag and putting the bag back on the table. 

You sat there for a second before you processed that you saw something else in the bag. You looked back at Wonwoo before grabbing the bag again, confirming that he wasn’t coming back yet. You opened the bag and looked in again, pulling out a small notepad. 

“Hello, how did you get in here?” You smiled at the notepad, seeing the pastel colors and the little cute bunny on the bottom corner. It made you giggle a little bit as you flipped through it. You were again about to put it back when your brain processed something else. You flipped through the pad again until you got to the third page, seeing writing on it. 

‘Hey. I like you. Do you want to go out with me next Friday? Wonwoo. PS, Yes, I had to buy the pad to do this. They would let me use a pen but not a piece of paper.’ 

You felt your face heat up, glancing at Wonwoo again, who was looking at something at his phone, but now a couple people closer. You put the notepad back and put the bag back on the table, crossing your arms and trying to keep the smile off your face. You weren’t sure how long you sat like that, but you jumped as a tray of food was placed in front of you. 

“Hey.” Wonwoo said, sitting now next to you, giving you a mildly amused expression. You looked at him, giving him a small smile. 

“Hi.” You grinned, Wonwoo still looking at you confused, but humored. 

“You okay?” He asked, chuckling a little bit. You nodded, starting to pick at your food. 

“Yep. I’m great.”

[themysteriousphoenix]

Beyond the Magic

FB Week Day 4: Beyond the Magic (No Wand)

(Yes, this was supposed to be posted yesterday, but I switched my days around. Happy Friday!!)

******************************************

"Newt, stop,” Tina laughed as her husband held her tightly around her waist where they were sprawled on the couch. He kissed her cheek and released her, causing her body to roll into the vacant space between where he lay and the back of the couch. She laughed, her hand holding her stomach and tears streaming from her eyes as she struggled to pull in full breaths. Newt, similarly, was looking at her with tears of mirth in his eyes as he laughed with her.

She had missed this. It had been so long since they had both been home long enough to relax into domestic normalcy and the moments like this were filling her heart with the joy it had been missing for months. These moments reminded her of her parents when she was a child. The memory of their laughter and playing had been something that had been clear in her mind all of these years. When they crossed the threshold into their home, the conventions of the outside world were left at the door and they could be free to be affectionate, silly, and in love. Tina never understood what the laughter had been until she was much older and found herself in similar situations with Newt. It was how she knew that she could marry him. He gave her a relationship and fun and filled with love as her parents had all those years ago. 

However, she had taken the past few nights off of work after returning from her trip to Spain, and now that they had calmed their more amorous sides, they were relaxing into their life together again. Now, she needed to get back to her work preparations, she would be returning to the Ministry in the morning. 

Tina groaned as she caught her breath, a silly grin still spread across her face. Newt was pressed against her on the couch, his hair a mess and his eyes closed. “Hmm?” he asked quietly, never opening his eyes as he ran a lazy hand up and down her side.

“I need to read those case files tonight,” Tina said quietly, her desire to work quite a bit less than it usually was. She was warm, comfortable, and in Newt’s arms. “I just don’t want to,” she added with a fake pout. 

Newt laughed softly as he opened his eyes to look at her where she laid inches from him. “Honestly, I don’t want you to either,” he whispered with a smile, “but if you don’t, Theseus is going to blame me for you not being prepared for work.”

“Well, it wouldn’t be your fault,” she said, chuckling.

“You know him, he’d find some reason to make it my fault.”

“That’s, uh….probably true,” Tina responded, “but, to be fair, things that go wrong usually are your fault.”

“Hey, now…” Newt said with a laugh, lightly tickling her side and making her squirm. Tina grabbed his hand and held it in her own as she snuggled into her small space. 

“I don’t want to get up. I’m comfortable.”

“Me too,” Newt said softly, his arms draping around Tina and holding her to him lightly. She tucked her head onto his shoulder and closed her eyes. 

“Now I really don’t want to get up,” she whispered. She felt Newt chuckling under her cheek and his arms tightened around her ever so slightly. 

“Just summon them over. I don’t mind you reading and using my shoulder for a pillow. I quite enjoy that, actually.”

“My wand is on the dinner table,” Tina said, regretfully. “I didn’t realize you would be pulling me into a couch cocoon when I walked by.”

“Ahh, well, here…” Newt raised one arm up and quickly flicked his hand. Tina’s black bag flew over to the couch, the handle landing perfectly in his palm before swinging down and bumping his forearm. “Your papers, love.”

Tina stared wide-eyed at her husband, quickly sitting up next to him and looking down into his face. “What was that?” she exclaimed, her eyes darting to her bag and back to Newt. “You can do wandless magic?”

“I-- Yeah. I thought you knew.”

“No! Where did you learn to do that?”

Newt sat up slowly, placing Tina’s bag between them on the couch. He crossed his legs, sitting knee to knee with his wife. “Uagadou”

“In Uganda?”

“Yes. They are known for self-transfiguration and becoming Animagi, and I wanted to see their teaching practices.”

“You told me about that part, but what about the wandless magic?”

“Oh, well, they don’t use wands that much, you see. The older generations don’t trust them. They learn to cast using only their hands most of the time. Wands are used only for channeling their magic for more difficult or powerful spells.”

“So they taught you while you were there?”

“It’s really not as difficult as most wizards make it out to be. I always thought it took great power to cast, but it really just takes self-awareness and focus.” Newt held his palm out to Tina, showing her his right hand. “When I cast with my wand, I always focused my magic through my wand. That is how I was taught. What they taught me is that your magic comes from you, not the wand, and it is only there because the core is a conductor of magic. It gathers chaotic energy and organizes it for you.” Newt flicked his fingers and a heatless flame appeared in his palm, “If you learn to focus your magic, however, and organize the chaos yourself rather than depending on a wand, you can learn to cast without.”

The fire went out with a flick of his wrist, and Tina was watching him with awe. “Can you teach me?” she asked eagerly.

“I can try,” he replied, pulling his wand from his holster. “So here, where I hold my wand, this is my natural magical pattern. I learned to cast this way. Everyone holds their wand slightly differently, and that is the position that they learn to use to channel their energy.” Newt released his wand and slid it away from his hand. “My natural casting point, based on the way I hold my wand is my second knuckle on my first finger, just here.” Making a light fist, as if he were holding his wand, Newt showed Tina that this knuckle stuck out naturally as if to support his wand. “You visualize your energy leaving your body, collecting into order, and then send it out through that casting point.”

“So I need to visualize sending my energy through my knuckle, then?” Tina was looking down at her hands curiously.

“Not necessarily. You see, you hold your wand like this, more enclosed in your hand.” Newt curled Tina’s fingers the way she normally held her wand. “Your hilt is far heavier than my own, so you support it differently.” Closing her eyes, Tina imagined she was holding her wand, it was easy to do, it felt as if it was part of her. 

“Where do you envision your casting point to be?” Newt asked, lightly flattening her hand between them, palm up.

“I actually think it’s the heel of my hand, just below my thumb,” she replied, rubbing a fingertip across the soft, pale skin. 

“Interesting,” Newt pondered. “Now, close your eyes and try to envision your energy gathering throughout your body and your magic flowing through that point. Use a simple spell, something that comes naturally to you, that you haven’t struggled to master.”

“Okay. What about the disarming spell?”

“That would work. I’ll hold my wand here, it will be close to you so we can start small.” Tina closed her eyes. “Good,” Newt said quietly, “You may have to verbalize the spell, it takes quite a bit of practice to be able to cast without a wand and nonverbally.”

“Okay.” Tina took a deep breath in and released it in one long rush of air. “Ready?”

“Ready when you are, love.”

“Here goes…” Tina closed her eyes and concentrated, visualizing like Newt had told her to, then when she felt that her chaos had been properly organized, she said “Expelliarmus!” loudly and clearly. Opening her eyes, she saw that the wand was still in her husband’s hand. “Blast…” she said under her breath.

“It’s okay, Tina. Nobody masters it on the first try.” Newt straightened his wand, “You pulled it forward, so it’s working, but it’s not quite there yet. Try it again.”

Tina repeated the actions several more times, her mind feeling the fatigue that the concentration was causing her. “This is tiring,” she observed after her sixth attempt to cast. This time she had pulled the wand from Newt’s hand, but it had fallen to the couch between them instead of into her waiting hand.

“It is. That’s why I rarely use it. It wasn’t taught to me as a child, so it doesn’t come naturally to me. It gets exhausting after a while, but I’ve been thankful to have the skill a time or two over the years.” Newt nodded at her, checking her readiness. “Are you ready for another?”

“One more, I think.”

“Perfect. One more, then you’ll rest.” Newt grabbed his wand, holding it up vertically in front of him. “Try it with your eyes open this time. Now that you know the feeling of channeling your energy, your sight might help.

“Alright,” Tina replied, rolling her neck and shoulders, loosening the muscles that had been clenched through her concentration over the past several minutes. “I’m just gonna go for it,” she said quickly. “Expelliarmus!”

Newt’s wand pulled from his hand and toward her lap. Tina, with her quick reflexes gained from years of Auror training, dipped her hand down and caught it easily in her palm. “Does that count?” she asked.

“I’d say yes, close enough.” Newt chuckled, taking his wand from Tina’s hand and putting it back into the holster on his hip. “Now, you’d better read those reports before Theseus comes after both of our heads.”

Tina giggled, pulling the discarded bag back up onto the couch as Newt stood up from the couch, walking toward the kitchen. “Tea?” he asked, looking over his shoulder at her.

“Yes, please,” she replied, pulling folders full of papers out of her bag and placing them into order on the cushion next to her. “Thank you for teaching me that, Newt. I’ll have to keep practicing it. It might prove to be handy out in the field sometime.”

“My darling,” Newt said with a grin as he spooned teaspoonfuls of leaves into the teapot, “I do not doubt that your abilities will far exceed mine within the month.”

[joshslater]

The Reformatory

A rewrite of jd07201990′s swimmer story. Similar stories and bonus material on my Patreon.

T -1

Dear diary or however you are supposed to start.

So tomorrow is the big day. Dad and I are sleeping at a Holiday Inn at the other side of the state. Well, I'm obviously not sleeping. How could I? So I thought I should start a journal of some sort to document this experience.

Some background. Two months ago I was in a fight with Mark Samberg on the football team. It had gotten pretty bad between the football schmucks and us swimmers. The jockheads were constantly harassing us, calling us fags and prissy boys. It happened often and was getting boring. As the captain of the swim team I asked Mark to knock it off and get his players in line. Idiot as he is he tried to knock me out instead, and I lost it. In our scramble I managed to knock him down and was about to kick him in the shin when he shifted and instead I connected with his knee. Apparently it fractured. He'll be able to walk and even run, but he'll not be able to play again for years, so he lost his Scholarship.

His family sued everyone they could. Me, the school, the swim coach. In the end all the lawyers sat down in a room with a local judge and came up with something they all could agree to. Mark gets some study assistance to get his grades up, the school had this quickly brushed under the carpet, and could pretend I was never student there. Me not graduating wasn’t really a blow, as my college fund now went to pay for Mark’s education, as compensation. They were rich enough to afford it anyway, but they wanted to see punishment. I get the honor to spend the next 180 days at the Lepinski Adolescence Reformation Center, where I will "participate in all scheduled exercises, activities, therapies, meals and medication programs". They can tack on some extra days for bad behavior without going back to the judge, but essentially I get 6 months at bad boy camp for standing up to bullies.

What will I do there? No idea. The website talks a lot about work ethics and responsibility and working together with the local community. Sounds like labor camp to me. I'll guess we'll know tomorrow. But first we have to visit the hospital for a check up. My first day in prison will mostly not be in prison!

Day 1, Monday

We started with a checkup at the hospital, and man did they do a thorough job. Our appointment was at 10, but before that I had to fill out a form with 100 questions. The doctor spent more than 30 minutes doing the most extensive check I've ever had. Not only that, but after the check we had to go to the sample lab to draw blood, and finally I had a CT scan at noon. After that, and a quick lunch, we drove to the actual reformation center, which was in a smaller town 2 hours away.

It's an old boarding school building that they've turned into this "Reformation Center", and it clearly looks more like a prison than a school. Just a heap of two story brick and concrete buildings out in nowhere. Not much of security, but then everyone was there "voluntarily", meaning that we all had a proper punishment waiting for us if we left. I hugged dad goodbye and was shown to Mr. Kerwin’s office by the entrance guard.

Mr. Kerwin was a lean, ripped man in his forties that oozed military discipline. He explained that he was responsible for my rehabilitation and that he wouldn't start soft. He would give me a packed schedule, and if I didn't pull my weight he would add more days for "noncompliance". If I didn't like it I could run back to judge Stephenson and ask to start over in juvie.

Perhaps that would be better, because the schedule he showed me was totally insane.

4:30-5:00  Breakfast 5:00-8:00  Exercise pass 1 8:00-12:00 Work pass 1 12:00-12:30 Lunch 12:30-14:30 School 14:30-17:30 Work pass 2 17:30-18:00 Dinner 18:00-21:00 Exercise pass 2 21:30       Lights out

He explained that my breakfast, lunch and dinner would be pre-portioned and I was required to eat all of it. The exercise passes would be lead by himself or one of the assistants. Again, I would have to follow every instruction. The work passes were done at local businesses that wanted an extra hand, and changed depending on demand. The school passes were done as a group on whatever subject Mr. Reed selected.

Next he ordered me to get naked and place all my clothes on top of my bag and move to the other side of the room. Having done so he pointed at a stack of clothes on the table and told me to pick my size and get dressed. I quickly dressed in one of the track suits from the table. There was a baseball cap also, which confused me, but was told that it was instead of sunglasses when working outdoor.

With that I was given a rule book to study and was led by an assistant to my room where a dinner was waiting. Turkey, rice, water. I was reminded of lights out at 21:30 and wake up at 4:30. The assistant left and locked the door. 10 minutes later he came back with my journal book and pen, and told me that they'll keep the rest for now.

Having eaten the dinner and having three hours (I'm almost sure 21:30 is 9:30 PM) to kill before the lights go out I'm now summarizing the day. I'm sitting in something very similar to a prison cell. Bed, toilet, sink. Everything is clean, though somewhat worn. Looking into the mirror is kind of depressing though. I look like some jailed gang member.

It's kind of weird that I haven't met any of the other inmates, sorry students, here. I saw some of them while coming in, but perhaps this is their kind of hazing, or they do an official presentation tomorrow. Anyway, I should study the rule book and go to bed, since I didn't sleep much last night.

Day 2, Tuesday

So much to write about, so little time. I might have to split this into several entries since lights out is in 20 minutes.

I was awaken at 4:30 and given a tray with a large bowl of porridge and berries and some chalky smoothie or shake or whatever to drink. After that an assistant lead me to the gym room where we went over various machines, mainly for cardio. Elliptical, bike, treadmill. Weird thing was that it was only us two in the room during all three hours.

Sweaty and a bit tired I was then taken outside to a bus where some of the other boys where chilling. Apparently everyone else had breakfast between 7 and 8. They had no idea why I didn't join them there. The bus then drove around town and the driver announced who should exit where. My group of four people exited at a farm before town, only about 5 minutes away. I don't know exactly since I haven't been given my watch back.

There we spent hours just moving hay. Don't they know about tractors? Sweaty, itchy, tired and hungry we were then picked up and driven back. At lunch was the first time I saw the real common area. To my surprise there were more boys there than had been on the bus.

Everyone else could pick what they wanted from what was served, but I was given a ready tray with an heap of salmon and pasta. I was starving though, so it wasn't a problem to eat it all. I didn't have much time to talk, but the guys at my table were nice. Somewhat rough, as could be expected. Apparently you were chosen for the different work assignments, and if you were not picked you stayed at the center for sports or craft or similar things.

After Lunch followed a session with Mr. Reed. The first boring hour was on English grammar and the second boring hour on US geography. I aced the quizz getting all 50 states and state capitols right, so I didn't learn anything new after that. Then Mr. Reed announced who had work assignments, and I was again selected.

This time I and Troy were dropped off at a different farm where we spent almost three hours helping with fencing. Mainly carry posts and sawing them to length.

For dinner I had some meatballs with roasted sweet potatoes while everyone else had meatballs with tomato sauce. Mr. Kerwin picked me up and led me to the gym. Unlike the morning session this was all about weight training. Most of it was on finding my limits for different exercises while Mr. Kerwin pointed out how I could improve my form. You could tell that this was what he liked to do, and encouraged me to push a bit further. Once we were done I had a bottle of post workout mix of some sort and a very quick shower before rushing back to my room.

Here's the thing. My room is on a different floor than the other guys. Also, my schedule appears to be different and much more rigid than the rest of the guys. I also

Day 3, Wednesday

I couldn't finish the last entry before they cut the light. My entire body is in pain right now. I woke up like that, and it didn't go away all day. Same schedule as yesterday, but different tasks and different dishes. The assistant really pushed today during the morning session, so I was exhausted already at the bus. Planting bushes at the city park all morning didn't help. I got some rest during Reeds rehash of elementary math. Then back to doing fences, and top it all off with weight training. I asked Mr. Kerwin about the schedule and why it was so different from everyone else’s. He said that everyone's schedule is individual and that he'll adjust mine as needed.

One more weird thing before I fall to sleep. Everyone else is using their normal clothes. I haven't gotten mine back yet.

Day 4, Thursday

FUCK! I was back on moving hay today again, with Sam, Trevor and Rick. I'm still hurting like hell and Rick is one lazy motherfucker, so old fart Farmer Joe decided to complain. The end result is that I am getting 2 days added for noncompliance. Sam, Trevor and Rick got nothing. WTF!

Day 5, Friday

We were carrying merchandise all morning and Troy heckled me on how I got more days because of the piece of shit Rick. But he then said that it was a weird coincidence that every work shift I've been on has been the toughest one.

Instead of going to class I met with the doctor from the hospital who made a visit. He asked me about how I felt, where I was sore etc. Then he gave me an injection which he said would ease things for me. I didn't feel much different, but I was getting really sleepy getting back to Mr. Reeds class, but it might just be that everything he did was too simple and boring.

Apparently while I had a check up Troy had shared his theory about me being a work magnet, so there were some groans from the guys placed in my group. God damn fence work again.

Man, I'm tired. I was tired even before Mr. Kerwin gave me the toughest weight pass ever. Fuck, I'm tired.

Day 6, Saturday

So the weekend schedule is different. There is still a morning work pass, basically only used by the local farmers. But the afternoon is free both on Saturdays and Sundays. Conditions and terms applies, apparently. Since I haven't done any cleaning or dishes all week (how could I?), I'm assigned washing clothes, sheets etc. Man, how much better it is to carry laundry than hay. Best job assignment all week. Lots of downtime. Only real drawback is all the humidity. It’s steamy AF here.

Still fucking 3h workout pass in the morning and evening. The other boys were pretty vocal in mocking me on my way to the gym.

Day 7, Sunday

So the day started out as any other so far. Woke up sore. Breakfast alone and 3 hour gym session. There are no work passes outside LARC on Sundays, so I was hit with cleaning, together with Kyle G. and Rick. Rick ghosted after like three minutes, but KG did a solid work. It took us all the time til lunch though to finish it.

Then my first free couple of hours all week. It’s insane. The other guys were low key avoiding me, so I did what Mr. Kerwin had suggested and had a walk in the forest. It was actually kind of nice, and for some weird reason I didn’t feel like sitting still.

Day 8, Monday

Same shit again. Mr. Kerwin gave me a shot in the arm this evening. Apparently I’ll have one each Monday from now on. Whatever.

Also I found out today that the others don’t have formal lights out. I’m on my own floor so they can lock me up and cut the power. What the fuck?

Day 9, Tuesday

That fucker Rick slacked off again, taunting me about another two days. Ha! I got 10. Mostly for kicking him in the teeth. They locked me in my room, so I had lunch there and sat in this boring ass cell during class and work. Fuck, I don’t know what’s worse. I had to do some body weight exercises to keep sane. Fuck this shit.

Back again. I still got to have my evening workout. Kerwin was pushing harder than ever. The order of exercises was different too. Apparently to make the major muscles tired so smaller muscle groups then get to work. Or something. I don’t give a shit.

Day 11, Thursday

They fucking work now, don’t they the little shits. They know I ruined someones career to get here and another one for slacking off. They better pull there weight

Day 14, Sunday

I think I’ll stick to just write on Sundays. There is only half an hour from evening gym to lights out, so there isn’t much time for writing. I’ve even skipped shower a few times. It’s not like it matters when you start every fucking day getting soaked with cardio. Not like there are any girls around to impress either. Sunday has a different vibe tho. Cleaning, running in the forest and taking a long shower.

Starts and ends with fucking gym time though.

Day 21, Sunday

I really fucking like the forest runs. Its like you don’t have to think and can just run wherever and grab whatever and smash whatever. Fucking love it

Day 28, Sunday

Yay! A full fucking month!

It’s crazy though how much stronger I’m. I have gone up one size larger track suite and 2 sizes larger sneakers. Working hard to make me the best I guess.

Day 42, Sunday

guess i forgot about writing last week. i think the monday shots make me angry or something because last week fucked up someone else on tuesday. at least they all give me fucking respect at least.

Day 92, Monday

i dont give a shit abot reeds borin ass lessons and they fuckin repeat on a loop or some shit. today he was back on gramr and the states. i most time dont fill out his shit but wanted to do it again today. fucking aced most of the states. not so good on the capitols tho

Day 203, Sunday

only 2 weeks left tomorrow lol then im gonna yeet the fuck outta here !!!! adios motherfuckas

Mr. Kerwin enters the room, carrying a folder, and walks behind his desk, not even looking at me. I am sitting in his precious fucking antique chair I pulled from the corner. He’s sitting his ass down, rifles through the papers in the folder and starts to read from one of them.

“John Hamlin agrees to 180 days of rehabilitation training at the Lepinski Adolescence Reformation Center, where he will participate in all scheduled exercises, activities, therapies, meals and medication programs, with a possible extension of 30 days for noncompliance and a possible extension of 60 days for infractions as described by the Juvenile Rehabilitation Act (JuRA), section 1103 (b).”

He looks up at me. It sounded like easy shit when I said yes to it. I thought half a year in a bad boy summer camp, or worst case something like prison, but that would have been miles better than this fucking non-stop hard labor shit. And 180 days was a fucking joke. They never fucking intended that to be the actual time. Have someone else slack off and the slap another 2 days to the time. Kick a chair to pieces, 5 days. Punch a guy for being a cunt, 10 days. I’m close to having another fucking outburst again. It must be all that fucking shit they put in the food or shakes or whatever. I fight it. I don’t want to show any emotion in front of him. I don’t think he buys my shit.

“There is another document in the agreement that you haven’t heard. This one between Mark and judge Andrews.”

He pulls out another paper from the folder and read it.

“The state hereby directs Mark Samberg, or person(s) by him so designated, to design and oversee the rehabilitation program of John Hamlin to be administrated at the Lepinski Adolescence Reformation Center. This includes physical exercises, physical therapy, education, consoling, dietary plan and medication, as long as it fulfills the positive development criteria (Appendix D), is within the available services at the Lepinski Adolescence Reformation Center (Appendix A) and within the given budget (Appendix C). Additional services require external financing and approval from the Reformation Center management (Appendix B).”

That doesn’t make any fucking sense. Why the hell had the judge put Mark in charge of my schedule? I understand why he’d want to make the experience suck as much as fucking possible for me, by why had everyone agreed to it? Kerwin looks at me as if he can read an open book.

“You are wondering what has happened to you. What was the meaning of all this? Stand up.”

I jump to my feet. There are still weeks he can add to my time here, and I don’t want to give him any fucking reason to add some shit.

“Stand with your feet as close together as you can.”

He’s never asked me to do that before. I can easily tap me feet together, but I can’t really stand still with my feet right next to each other for long. What the fuck is this bullshit? My thighs are too massive for that.

“Sit down again.”

He leans back and watches me with a bemused smirk.

“Imagine that you’d been away from swimming half a year. Even if you kept in shape it would take you months to be back in good enough technique to clear the swim team tryouts. But you have not kept in shape, have you? You have a completely new shape.”

The blood is draining from my face. I understand where this is going.

“With your upper body build you can physically really only do butterfly strokes properly, but if you can’t bring your feet together the leg kick will just be a wild thrashing of water. You swimming medley would be a hilarious joke. We haven’t even talked about you almost doubling in weight, and how much more oxygen you would need to swim. Sure, you are much stronger now, but old you would swim circles around new you. And that is of course the point. If Mark couldn’t have his sports career, he didn’t want you to have yours either. And the judge agreed.”

I’m surprised that the chair doesn’t break, as hard as I’m squeezing it. I’m boiling with fucking rage. I have to really focus to not to act on it.

“Now the judge specifically set out that this transformation couldn’t be punishment in itself, but rather that you were trained in a way that just wasn’t optimal for swimming. We may have gone a bit overboard with the body building to leave you many options though. You’ll obviously never be competitive in anything with speed or agility, like football or boxing. The metabolic conditioning, hormone treatment and gene therapy have far to long lasting effects to change you back from where you are now. You could try wrestling or weight lifting though, unless you mind showing your erection through spandex.”

“What the fuck?”, I said, as much as a general question to all the things he’d said. What does metabolic conditioning mean? Gene therapy? Erections?

“The medical regimen that Marks family found for you kind of put the feet on both the gas and the break at the same time. It forces the body to grow a lot at the same time as we try to stop it, so it has to try even harder. By injecting stem cells with the right CRISPR-modified DNA we could get rapid, major and long lasting changes. Well, I say we, but all I did was to make sure you kept to the exercise regimen, for a little cash on the side… Surely you didn’t think you got larger feet and dick from eating much and working hard?”

I don’t understand exactly what they done to me, but the result is pretty fucking clear. There was no way I would swim competitively ever again, if I could even fucking swim at all now. I would come out of here looking like a fucking balloon animal muscle jock, and shedding the muscles back to where I were would take shitloads of years.

“The hormone treatment finished two weeks ago and last blood sample shows that your natural hormone levels will keep you muscled and pumped probably well into your forties. So this morning I also cut you off from all suppressive medication as well. That is going to spike your hormone levels and mess quite a bit with you, so we need to see just how badly fucked up you are before we can release you.”

“The good doctor say that you’ll be more irritable and have more excess energy than before. Both something you can work on with regular, hard exercise. But I want to see where you really are at now, so starting today you’ll have no required gym time and labor passes. You can wake up when you want, eat what you want and do what you want.”

“You said erections?”, I asked.

“Yeah, the suppression medication should have kept you limp. You haven’t jacked off while here, have you? Well, you heard what I said about gas and break and compensation. Your body has been pumping massive amounts of hormones into your blood, and will continue to do so. But now that you don’t have the suppressives anymore you should expect to be horny for the next decade or two. You’ll be nothing but a lumbering muscle dildo.”

There’s a crack somewhere inside the wood of the armrest. Fucking fourteen more days, I have to remind myself. Don’t fuck any shit up before then. If I let go of the chair I’m quite positive I will knock him the fuck out. Fourteen fucking more shit days.

[lynnsfics]

Penny For Your Nightmares?

Pairing: Bucky x Reader (Prompt List #76 “I had the weirdest dream”)

Word Count: Approx. 2k

Possible TW: Nightmares, Near Death Experience

Requests Open! See notes at bottom for details!

~~~

The waves came crashing down around you. Thunder boomed overhead, and lightning struck the water. With every stroke you made the surface seemed to grow farther and farther away. A cry tried to escape your lips, but as soon as you opened your mouth water filled your lungs. 

You shot up in bed, heart pounding. Electricity danced along your fingertips, increasing the level of static energy in the room. It happened again. No matter how many times you told yourself the fear was irrational, nightmares still plagued your dreams. Sam tried his best to get you to go to therapy, but you thought you could deal with it yourself. Trying to shake off the clammy post-nightmare feeling, you lightly stepped out of bed. The cold wood floor sent a shiver down your spine. Grabbing the slippers from your bedside, you slipped them on. That was better.

As silently as possible, you opened your door and creeped down the hall. The absolute last thing you needed was the team waking up. Thankfully the kitchen was right down the hall. The time displayed on the stove clock illuminated the counter. 3:01 A.M. Deep down you knew you needed rest, but the idea of a nice hot cup of coffee appealed to you more. Besides, after what happened, you weren’t sure if you even wanted to go back to sleep. 

Taking out your favorite mug from the cabinet, you added in the perfect amount of coffee and sugar. Tony liked to make fun of you for not using the coffee machine, but there was something so soothing about preparing it yourself. As you filled the kettle up with water, a voice came from the living room. 

“You know, Sam says tea is better to have at night. Caffeine will just keep you up.” 

Your heart skipped a beat as the kettle clattered noisily into the sink. “God, Bucky don’t scare me like that. Almost gave me a heart attack.” 

“Sorry doll,” you rolled your eyes at the pet name but you smiled anyways, “mind if I ask why you’re up in the first place?” 

“I could ask you the same thing,” you said, purposefully dodging the question.

“I’ll tell you if you tell me,” he countered. You sighed in defeat as you continued filling up the kettle. There was no way you’d be able to leave this kitchen without talking about your feelings. God, Sam was practically determined to turn everyone in the tower into a psychologist. “Alright fine.” you said, turning on the stove, “ I had the weirdest dream, happy now?” 

“Well, I’d be a lot happier if you told me what exactly this weird dream was about.” 

“Okay, so it wasn’t a dream, more of a nightmare. I was caught in the flood again. Except this time I never made it out. It felt like my lungs were filling with water, I couldn’t breathe. Instead of being saved by the lightning strike, I drowned.”  You said it all in one breath, not wanting to dwell on it. “I know it’s stupid, because in reality I didn’t drown, I’m perfectly fine. And yet,” you trailed off, staring at the coffee grounds in your cup. Bucky made his way to the kitchen counter and took a seat on the barstool next to you. “Doll, look at me,” when you didn’t even glance up he grabbed your coffee mug away from you. “Hey,” you exclaimed, “What was that for?” 

“I asked you to look at me, and you didn’t so I had to come up with something else. But now it’s my turn to share why I’m up. You’re not the only one in this tower plagued by nightmares. Every night I relive my days as him. And even though I know that part of me is gone, that I’ll never be the Winter Soldier again, the thought of it still terrifies me. So no, it’s not stupid.” 

“What do you do to cope with it all? I feel like sometimes it’s just too much to deal with.”

“That’s just it, doll. Sometimes things can’t be ‘dealt with’, and you need to talk to someone to help you through it.” You rolled your eyes as you snatched back your cup. Sliding off the barstool, you walked back over to the stove. “Sam put you up to this, didn’t he,” you asked as you poured the water. 

“No,” Bucky sighed, “he didn’t. But he was the one who encouraged me to open up about things. Something you could benefit a lot from.” “Alright, say I do talk things out, then what?” “Then you have a support system who can help you.” “Well, I don’t know-” Bucky cut you off, “How about this, if you aren’t ready to talk to a professional, the next time you have a nightmare you come to me and tell me about it. Alright?”

Turning to face him, you nodded in agreement, “Okay, deal.” As you took a sip of coffee a sudden clap of thunder shook the tower. Lightning lit up the darkened room a second later as rain started to pour down. 

Your blood ran cold as you felt fear grip you. Closing your eyes you kept telling yourself that you were safe, but it wasn’t helping.

Bucky looked over at you, worry laced in his voice, “Doll, what’s wrong?”  

“Oh, yeah, it’s nothing just the storm,” you paused for a moment but then decided to open up a little. As you walked back to the barstool, you took a deep breath. “The flood was caused by a sudden storm like this one. I don’t mind a little rain, but when it’s unexpected I just freeze up.” 

He gently put his hand over your own. “Is there anything I can do to help?” he asked.

You shook your head ‘no’, but then reconsidered. “I was going to sit on the couch and try to watch some dumb reality TV,” you replied quietly. “It usually helps me to calm down to laugh at something, and it could block out some of the noise from the storm. Would you want to watch it with me? If not that’s alright, I should be fine.” “No, that sounds great, besides I wasn’t planning on going to bed anytime soon,” he answered with a smile. 

That’s how you two ended up falling asleep on the couch together, HGTV playing in the background. You awoke the next morning to find that Bucky had ended up wrapping a protective arm around your shoulders. Somehow you managed to slip out of his embrace so it wouldn’t result in an embarrassing situation. 

Neither of you talked about it that day, but a few nights later when you were up again from another nightmare you found yourself back on the couch with him, this time watching a sitcom. 

 Before either of you realized it, it became a habit. If you or Bucky woke from a nightmare, or if a sudden storm came on, both of you would go to the living room and put on some cheesy show. Luckily none of the other team members ever found out, or you’d both be teased about it relentlessly. 

Through it all, you found yourself developing feelings for Bucky. Even though you tried to tell yourself those feelings were strictly platonic, you’d be lying if you said you would refuse a relationship with him. 

 It wasn’t until a month later when you realized just how dependent on him you had become. Bucky was out on a mission, but since it was a low-level threat, you were able to stay at the tower. Some of the team had accompanied him, so the compound was a lot quieter than usual. 

Wanda was preparing dinner while you and Sam sat at the counter debating conspiracy theories.

“I’m just saying, don’t you think we would know if Area 51 had aliens? We’re the Avengers, and Thor is literally an alien.” “No, Sam, because I don’t trust the government. Just because I technically work for them doesn’t mean I need to believe everything they say.”

Wanda chimed in, “I think it might be something from another dimension. Didn’t Dr. Strange mention something about a multiverse when he helped us with that mission last year?”

“Exactly,” you agreed, “it doesn’t have to be an ‘alien’ as we would define it.” 

The lights started to flicker, and an uneasy knot formed in your stomach. Sam glanced at the lamp and back at you, “Y/N, are you doing this?” 

“No, it must be a storm,” you responded, your voice shaky. FRIDAY’s voice spoke over the intercom, “There is a severe thunderstorm coming in. Flash flooding may occur.” It was like a vice was crushing your lungs. You didn’t want the others to see you panic over a storm, so you made up an excuse. “Ya know what guys, I’m not feeling hungry. I’m gonna go lie down for a bit.” 

Wanda and Sam exchanged a look as you exited the kitchen but said nothing. 

As you crawled under the covers of your bed, you put in your earbuds and started playing some soothing music. However it didn’t help, and nothing could help you fall asleep. You crept to the closet and pulled out an oversized shirt. Bucky had lent it to you during one of your reality tv marathons and you never ‘found the opportunity’ to give it back. At some point you probably could have, but you wanted to hold onto it for a little while longer. 

Slipping it on over your head, you took a deep breath. It still had traces of his cologne on it, and it made you feel a bit safer. When you crawled back into bed, you fell asleep almost immediately. 

A knock resounded at your bedroom door, and you answered groggily, “Come in.” “Hey doll, I just thought I’d let you know the mission went well. By the way, Sam mentioned that you were acting strange during last night’s storm,” he paused mid-sentence, a slight smirk on his lips, “Is that my shirt?”

You glanced down, vaguely remembering slipping it on the night before. “Possibly,” you answered sheepishly. “I couldn’t sleep and you weren’t here so I just, sorry,” you trailed off.

“It’s fine, it looks cute on you,” he mumbled, brushing a loose strand of hair back from his eyes. “But I came here to ask if you’re alright? Sam told me about you leaving when the storm hit and I was worried.” “I managed to fall asleep, but it took a while. I’m feeling better now, though.” “There’s another storm on the radar, do you want to go play Uno or something until it ends?” You smiled in response, “That sounds great, thank you.” When you put down the +4 card and called out “UNO!”, Bucky laughed and rolled his eyes.

“Wow, I had some good cards that time too. You’re lucky I decided not to play them.” 

“Uh huh, I believe that,” you chuckled.

Later that night during the team movie night you found yourself sitting next to him, head on his shoulder. “I think I love you,” you whispered, thinking he wouldn’t hear. Hoping he wouldn’t hear.

He turned to look at you. Damn that supersoldier serum. “Say that again doll?” 

Taking a deep breath, you felt your chest tighten. Might as well get it over with, you just hoped it wouldn’t ruin things between the two of you. “I love you,” you repeated, still a whisper, but  more sure this time. 

“I love you too. I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want to mess things up, but I love you too.” “Look, I get you two are having a moment,” Sam said from the other side of the room, “but some of us are trying to watch a movie.” 

~~~

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@sydneyisnotawriter 

@dark-night-sky-99

Hey y’all! So this is from a prompt list I’ve been looking at for ideas. I will be posting the list right after this and will link it here! My ask box and inbox will be open to requests, just give me a number and ship! (No pedophillia or incest ships tho please!) As always, likes and reblogs are appreciated! Love you all <3 (And if you’re protesting please stay safe!)

[our-time-is-now]

May 29-30, 2019: Beautifully cheesy

(previous play)

You can find more information about the authors, translators, content warning and additional information about the plays in the pinned post on our blog.

Wednesday, 10:17 pm:

Matteo: *Hans and Linn had suggested Lasagna as a flatshare-dinner and have relatively quickly taken over the reins* *Mia and Matteo mostly sat at the kitchen table and tasted the wine that Hans had bought* *there has been a lot of laughter, a lot has been eaten and even more has been drank* *in between he thought that it's strange that the mix of 4 so different people somehow does fit together really well* *after dinner Hans got out some liquor that apparently is totally in at the moment and which unfortunately was also pretty tasty* *now, at almost half past 10 everyone is more or less sprawled out on the sofas in the living room* *Matteo is pretty drunk and really laughs about every stupid joke Hans is telling* *hears him say: "... and then I told him sorry, but you can't tell anyone that you're an artist, even I could draw that better"!* *Mia laughs and Matteo jolts* Shit! *he gets up but staggers so much that he has to sit back down* David! I have to get to David! *all three of them laugh and Hans shakes his head: "Sorry, sweetheart, but we won't let you into the Berlin night-traffic this drunk".* *Matteo shakes his head and tries to get up again* But I told him that I would come... to him... tonight... *Mia pulls him back gently but determinedly: "I'm sure he understands, just text him"!* *Matteo grumbles but takes out his phone* *types on it, grumbles, types some more and gets annoyed* Doesn't work... *Hans gets up and holds out his hand: "Give it to me, I'll do it"!* *it says a lot about Matteo's level of drunkenness that he really gives him the phone* *Hans deletes Matteo's jumble of letters and then types a message to David* WhatsApp Matteo/David: Matteo: Hello David, this is Hans, Matteo is so drunk that we would rather not let him leave tonight... *he stops when Matteo wildly waves his hands in front of his face* Tell him that I'm soooooo sorry! *everyone laughs and Hans continues typing* He says he's sooooooo sorry, but I think when he's sober tomorrow I'm sure he'll call you. :-) Good night, butterfly-boyfriend <3 *Hans sends the message and hands Matteo's phone back* And now we'll watch an episode of Ru Paul and then we'll all go to bed!

David: *has really spent his evening doing research on surgeons and mastectomy online and has written down three doctors that he wants to contact on Friday* *at some point didn't feel like researching anymore and instead has sketched a little to get his head free* *lost track of time and at some point flinches when his phone vibrates* *looks at the time and realizes that it's pretty late* *immediately thinks of Matteo and wonders when he'll be here while he opens the message and reads it* *hesitates for a moment but then answers* WhatsApp Matteo/David: David: Hello Hans, thanks for the information. I hope you had a nice evening. Good Night! *puts the phone aside and leans back* *thinks it's nice that Hans has told him and really thinks that it's more responsible for Matteo to spend the night at the flatshare instead of walking to him drunk, but is still a little sad that he won't see him tonight* *at the same time he thinks it's ridiculous and has to grin because for one, they have only said goodbye to each other 5 hours ago and they'd also see each other tomorrow anyways - he'll certainly manage one night without Matteo* *sketches some more and turns on music and around half past eleven he gets ready for bed* *when he lies in bed he realizes that apparently he has gotten so used to Matteo's clinginess and cuddling that he can't really make use of the space in his bed and the freedom of moving his arms freely* *tosses around a few times and tries to find a more comfortable position* *while he tosses he wonders whether Matteo's already asleep and takes his phone twice to text him, but then doesn't because if Matteo was really so drunk that he wasn't able to text him himself, then he either wouldn't be any less sober or would already be fast asleep sleeping it off* *misses him and feels weird because Matteo isn't that far away and it's only one night where they aren't together* *at some point does fall asleep, but it's restless and he dreams wild things and constantly wakes up because he thinks his phone vibrated or someone rang the doorbell* *every time it takes some time for him to fall back asleep*

Matteo: *thanks to the alcohol did fall asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow* *wakes up during the night and automatically feels around for David* *grumbles slightly when he touches nothing but the mattress* *pulls the second pillow closer, but that isn't a replacement either* *grabs his phone to check the time* *sees that it's 3:22 am and that he maybe shouldn't text David, after all* *briefly considers getting up and going over to David's* *shakes his head at himself* *wonders if he really is one of THOSE people who can't even spend one night without their boyfriend* *tries to fall back asleep but it's difficult* *only manages to fall asleep for a moment and wakes up two more times* *one time goes to get something to drink and one time goes to the bathroom* *tries to talk himself into thinking that he didn't wake up because he missed David* *shortly after 8 gives up trying to fall asleep and gets up to shuffle into the kitchen and make some coffee* *sends David a text knowing that it will reveal his dependence, but doesn't care right now* WhatsApp Matteo/David: Matteo: Okay, we tried the whole sleeping alone thing, I'd say we won't do that again... what do you think?

David: *wakes up again shortly after 8 because he had the feeling that his phone vibrated* *feels like he barely slept when he reads the message* *has to read it twice to understand it in his overtired state and has to smile automatically* *writes back* We tried, but I, for one, failed miserably. I miss you! When are you coming? *feels somehow calmer now that he has heard from Matteo but is still bone-tired* *has to laugh quietly because apparently it was the same for Matteo and he wonders what it says about him and their relationship but comes to the conclusion that they seem to be wired very similar*

Matteo: *immediately smiles when his phone beeps* *reads the message and smiles even wider* *answers* WhatsApp Matteo/David: Matteo: In one cup of coffee and one shower... so half an hour? ;) *thinks that all of his friends would probably make fun of him for being so addicted to David* *right now, doesn't care about that at all*

David: *feels the phone vibrate in his hand and only realizes then that his eyes have fallen closed again* *reads Matteo’s message and looks at the time* *writes back with a smile* WhatsApp Matteo/David: David: Hurry up! Maybe you’ll even manage in 28 minutes! *stretches and throws back the blanket* *thinks that he could go shower and make some coffee because if he stays in bed, he might fall asleep again and might not hear the doorbell, after all* *hopes that he’ll be able to have a little afternoon nap with Matteo* *so puts on some coffee, gets some clean but comfy clothes and goes to the bathroom to shower*

Matteo: *grins broadly when he reads the message and quickly answers* WhatsApp Matteo/David: Matteo: I’ll try my best! *pours himself some coffee and pours the rest in a thermos and puts it on the kitchen table* *puts a post-it on it that says “fresh coffee, I’m at David’s, enjoy :) M.”* *slurps his coffee, showers hastily and gets ready just as quickly* *throws some clean clothes in a bag because he brought back dirty laundry from David’s yesterday and then leaves* *manages to get there in 25 minutes and rings the doorbell*

David: *has finished showering and just taken his first sip of coffee when the doorbell rings* *checks the time and grins because it really took Matteo less than half an hour* *puts his mug down and shuffles to the door to buzz him in* *leans against the doorframe to wait for Matteo and smiles when he finally sees him coming up the stairs*

Matteo: *beams when he sees him and might go upstairs a little faster* *greets him even before he arrives upstairs* Hey… *kisses David when he arrives and wraps his arms around him* *drops his head on David’s shoulder* Missed you…

David: *returns Matteo’s greeting with a smile* Na? *starts to spread his arms a little even before Matteo is completely up the stairs, returns his kiss and then presses Matteo to him* *grumbles because he feels so good and has to smile into the hug at Matteo’s words* Me too… I’m so pitiful I couldn’t sleep half the night… *closes his eyes, breathes in the typical Matteo-smell and realizes again how tired he still is* *pulls Matteo into the apartment while still hugging him and releases the hug only a little once they are inside* I only had one sip of coffee, I really need more to not fall asleep again immediately… *grins slightly and asks* Kitchen or my room?

Matteo: *nods slightly* Likewise… *gets pulled into the apartment* *drops his bag on the floor and takes off his jacket while David closes the door* Then kitchen and coffee, otherwise we’ll fall asleep again… or no coffee, and we go have a nap?

David: *grins slightly at Matteo’s suggestion and longingly looks into the direction of the bed* *laughs quietly* Okay, you won. We’ll go back to bed… but I’ll put the thermos in my room for later… *pulls Matteo toward him again and kisses him* *murmurs into the kiss* I have catching-up to do… *lets go after all and quickly goes into the kitchen* *takes another sip from his mug, grabs another mug and the thermos and puts it on his nightstand before he drops down on the bed and reaches his arms out for Matteo* *is glad that he didn’t put on his binder in the first place to be more comfortable*

Matteo: *laughs with him and nods* Good… *kisses him back* Me, too… *grabs his bag and goes to David’s room and drops the bag on the floor* *kicks his shoes off and then crawls onto the bed and into David’s arms* *kisses him again before he lies down next to him and basically fully attaches himself to his side* *after some time quietly says* Do you think that we’re very pathetic for not being able to spend one night apart?

David: *quickly pulls the blanket over them before wrapping his arms around Matteo* *feels how he relaxes immediately, closes his eyes and simply enjoys having Matteo with him again* *has to grin slightly at his question and starts to run a hand through his hair* Hmmm… I felt pretty pathetic last night. But I feel better now that I know that you felt the same way… *runs his lips over Matteo’s forehead and kisses him slightly* *at some point quietly says* So we either have to do the whole sleeping apart thing more often to get used to it again… or we… simply are one of those awfully cheesy clingy couples that really aren’t able to spend one night apart…

Matteo: *hums slightly when David runs his hand through his hair and closes his eyes* *slightly nods in agreement at David’s words* *opens his eyes again and looks at him* *shakes his head* Sleep apart voluntarily? Noo! *has to think about Jonas asking if they’ll turn into one of those couples and has to laugh slightly* I’d say we are one of those awfully cheesy couples… *puts a hand on his cheek and kisses him slightly* Somehow I don’t really care what others think… as long as you are there…

David: *grins slightly when Matteo is so vehemently against sleeping apart* *nods in agreement and murmurs* I agree! *adds* … but we’ll scratch the “awful”! We are one of those incredibly beautifully cheesy couples… *gets kissed and then notices once again how his heart starts to beat a little faster out of love at Matteo’s words* *murmurs agreeingly* As long as we’re together! *briefly hugs him closer and both are quiet for a moment* *at some point quietly says* It hasn’t even been three weeks, but I feel like you’ve been there a lot longer… so… familiar and good and much and… *grinningly grumbles and hides his face in Matteo’s shoulder* Argh… I’m getting cheesy… maybe we really should sleep some more…

Matteo: *nods with a grin* Okay, beautifully cheesy… *wraps his arm around him* *hears his words and has to swallow slightly* *kisses his hair when he hides his face* I think so, too… and we just agreed that we are cheesy… *kisses him again and cuddles into him* … so we can enjoy that now… I think it feels wonderfully right… and I never had that… so… *shrugs one shoulder and then kisses David’s shoulder on which he lies* … okay, let’s sleep some more…

David: *nods slightly when Matteo says that it feels wonderfully right and murmurs quietly at his next sentence* Me neither… *smiles when Matteo agrees to sleeping some more, takes his face off his shoulder so that he can breathe better and pushes one of his legs between Matteo’s to be a little closer to him* *opens his eyes again for a moment to be able to look at him and smiles when he realizes how comfortable he feels having Matteo so close to him* *leans forward again to kiss his lips and murmurs* Sleep tight, Florenzi… *closes his eyes and falls asleep within minutes*

(next play)

[alonely-dreamer]

Dangerous Creatures | Chapter 6: Villains and Heroes

Summary: Mackenzie Alemaund is an unlucky 18 year old teenager whose life changes drastically after she gets kidnapped by two vampires and learns, in the same day, that she is not human.

Pairing: Elijah x OC

Words: 3458

A/N: Please, note that I am French so there might be some mistakes here and there + next chapter should be posted sometimes next week, probably before Friday + please, let me know what you think!

Masterlist

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5

Mackenzie needed a shower. After everything that had happened, she really needed to feel clean again. She took her time, trying to relax, trying to think, trying to put herself back together so that once she was ready to come out, she would know what to do.

She stepped out of the steamy bathroom wearing a pair of black leggings and an old white tank top. She put her damp hair in a bun as she stepped back inside her bedroom. Elijah was still there, standing near the old vanity, his hands in his pockets, looking out the window. He turned around when she came out and watched her as she started to take the sheets off of her bed. He had noticed the bloody pillows and he would be lying if he said the smell didn’t bother him. She stayed silent and avoided eye contact, and he knew exactly why.

“Did you think about what I said?”

She froze for half a second before she resumed her task, ignoring him.

“Do you need more time to think about it?”

Mackenzie threw the sheets on the floor and ignored him. She gathered the dirty laundry and carried them out of the bedroom. Elijah waited for a minute before she came back with clean sheets. He watched in silence as she made her bed.

“I don’t want you to kill him,” she finally replied, focusing on the pillowcase.

Her answer didn’t surprise him.

“Don’t you think he deserves to die?”

She froze again. The mere thought made her feel guilty because she didn’t say “no” when he asked the first time.

“It’s not up to me.”

“It is, though.”

She raised her head, finally looking up at him.

“It’s not right.”

“What he did to you wasn’t right either.”

She shivered at the thought. After two years of abuse, two years of physical and psychological torture, she finally had an opportunity to take him down. She had the option to never see him again, so why wasn’t she taking it?

“I don’t want you to kill him,” she repeated.

“Very well, then,” he sighed. “I’ll just compel him.”

“Thank you,” she whispered, as she brought her attention back on the pillowcase.

“You need to rest now. You’ll need your energy if you’re going to practice magic later today.”

“I’m not tired,” she lied.

“I don’t believe you.”

“You said you’d answer my questions.”

“And I will. But you need to sleep first.”

Mackenzie sighed and rolled her eyes. Friends or not, trustworthy or not, she was still surprised that he cared about her wellbeing, and she didn’t know if it was because nobody had cared about it in years, or if it was because he was a thousand-year-old Original vampire who surely had better things to do than babysit her. She grabbed the duvet cover but before she could even start to put it on the comforter, Elijah took it from her and in the next two seconds her bed was perfectly made.

“Sleep,” he said as he pointed at the bed.

He was standing across from her, at the other side of the bed, waiting for her to do as he asked.

“I said, ‘I’m not tired.’”

“And I said, ‘I don’t believe you’. I’ll answer your questions, I promise. But right now you need to rest.”

“I don’t want to sleep.”

“Why not?” he asked as he crossed his arms over his chest.

Mackenzie looked away, embarrassed.

“Don’t you have better things to do than babysit me?”

“Not today, no.”

She sighed. Her silence and obvious discomfort gave him the answer.

“How bad are they, the nightmares?”

Surprised for a short moment, Mackenzie rolled her eyes again as she sat down on the bed, her back facing him.

“It depends,” she whispered with a shrug.

Elijah sighed. He considered what to do for a brief moment. He then sat on the edge of the bed, took his shoes off, and leaned his back against the wall.

“Lie down.”

She turned her head and saw him at the other end of the bed. Knowing he wasn’t going to let it go, she did as he asked. He watched her as she rested her head on one of the pillows and laid down as far away from him as she could.

“Ask a question,” he told her.

Taken by surprise, Mackenzie had to sort out all of her questions and pick only one. It took her a few seconds to decide which one she could safely ask without upsetting him in any way.

“Yesterday you said you had a thousand years to get strong.”

He nodded. “I was born a little over a thousand years ago.”

She wasn’t as surprised as she should have been but she thought he would be older. After all, he was one of the oldest vampires in the world, one of the firsts, she didn’t expect him to be so… “young”.

“How many Originals are there?”

Elijah suddenly looked away. A knot started to form in her stomach when she saw the look on his face. She hadn’t expected the question to bother him so much.

“You don’t have to answer,” she quickly added, trying to stay out of trouble.

“I do, actually. We made a deal,” he reminded her.

He sighed. It was clear it was a sensitive subject.

“There used to be five of us.”

“Used to be?”

“Yes,” he said, and she thought she recognized sadness in his voice.

“Are they… dead? I thought you couldn’t die…”

“We can’t. There’s a weapon, a silver dagger Klaus used to stab them in the heart. The only way to bring them back is to remove the dagger. But Klaus scattered their bodies across the seas. They’re lost forever.”

“They were your friends,” she guessed as she saw how downhearted he was.

“They were my siblings,” he whispered.

Mackenzie immediately sat up. She thought she had misheard.

“Your… your siblings?”

“Yes,” he said, as he looked back at her. “Klaus is my brother. He hunted my family down and took them from me.”

Confused and in disbelief, she stared at him as if they were more answers on his face. But all she could see was how vulnerable he was at that moment, opening up to her, the way she had just opened up to him.

“Elijah, I’m so sorry,” she whispered.

He brought his lips together and shrugged.

“You are not to blame,” he replied.

“That’s why you want to kill Klaus. You want revenge.”

“Yes. I owe it to my family to make him pay for what he did.”

“Are you sure he threw them into the sea?” she asked, making him frown. “I mean… They were his siblings too. Surely…”

Elijah smiled. It was a sad and yet peaceful smile.

“I like being in your company, Mackenzie. Your innocence is refreshing. But do not doubt Klaus is a soulless monster who doesn’t care about anyone but himself, not even about his own family.”

She looked down, trying to find something to say, knowing perfectly there was nothing she could tell him that would make the situation any better.

“So, Klaus is… he’s as old as you?”

“I’m his older brother,” he nodded. “But we are the first vampires.”

“How did you…”

“Become vampires?” he finished for her and she nodded. “It’s a long story,” he sighed. “Should I tell you the whole story?”

“Uh… you… it’s your life,” she said. “You don’t have to tell me anything.”

“Well, it’s more of a horror story than a bedtime story but… I suppose you could use the information.”

He unbuttoned his jacket and took it off, laying it at the end of the bed. Mackenzie laid down next to him, apprehensive.

“My father was a wealthy landowner in a village in Eastern Europe. My mother bore seven children.”

“So, your family was human?”

“Yes. Though, my mother was a witch.”

“Wh- what?”

“She’s the one who told me about elementals in the first place. My mother was a very powerful witch, she hated your kind. I never understood why, even as a child…”

“But… if she was a witch… doesn’t that make you…”

“No,” he cut her off. “Witches are servants of nature, vampires are abominations of nature, you can either be one or the other, never both.”

“But… you used to be a witch?”

“I never really took an interest in magic. Unlike my brothers, Finn and Kol.”

“So, you had six siblings? But you said there were only five Originals.”

“My parents’ first born died from the plague. In order to protect their future family from the same fate, they moved away. They arrived here, to what became Mystic Falls eight centuries later.”

He said it with a smile, knowing he was going to enjoy Mackenzie’s reaction. And he did. The elemental immediately sat up, a baffled look on her face which quickly changed into confusion then skepticism.

“That’s not possible,” she said with a frown. “This part of the world hadn’t been discovered yet!”

Elijah chuckled. “Not that you’d know. My mother knew a witch, Ayana, who heard from the spirits of a mystical land where everyone was healthy, blessed by the gifts of speed and strength. That led my parents here, where they lived in peace for twenty years, during which they had more children. Including me.”

“You were born here?” she breathed out.

He nodded. “So were my brothers and my sister, Klaus, Kol, Rebekah and Henrik. I hav- had… an older brother, Finn.”

“The one who died?”

“No, Finn was my parents’ second child.”

“But… that leaves six of you.”

“Yes… The gifted people we lived with were werewolves,” he started to say and Mackenzie could see on his face he was getting to the bad part. “One full moon, Niklaus and Henrik went to watch them turn. That was forbidden. Henrik…” he paused, looking away.

“He died…” she finished for him in a whisper.

“Yes,” he nodded. “That was the beginning of the end of peace with our neighbors. My father begged my mother to find a way to protect us. He wanted us to be better than werewolves, stronger, faster… immortal.”

“She turned you to protect you…” she breathed out.

“Yes… She didn’t know…” he stopped and scoffed. “She didn’t know we would become… well, what we became.”

“’Wha-, you mean… she didn’t turn?”

“No. She did it for us.”

“She must have been really powerful, I mean… she created a… a new species!”

“She was,” he nodded. “She used the sun for life and an ancient white oak tree, one of nature’s eternal objects for immortality. That night, my father offered us wine mixed with blood… then killed us.”

“You- your father killed you?”

“He did. He was happy to do it… When we came back to life we had to drink more blood to complete the transition. But, there were consequences. The spirits turned on us. For weeks we were stuck inside, it was impossible for us to stand in the sun. My mother found a solution,” he said, showing her the ring he wore on his left middle finger. It might have been made of gold, Mackenzie couldn’t tell, but there was a blue stone in the middle, maybe made out of lapis lazuli. “Daylight rings. The same magic your friends the Salvatores and Miss Forbes use, I imagine.”

“They’re not my friends.”

“Right,” he chuckled. “They were other problems. We could no longer enter homes without being invited, the flowers at the base of the white oak tree, vervain, burnt and prevented compulsion. And the spell decreed that the tree that gave us life could also take it away. So we burnt it to the ground. But the darkest consequence was something my parents never anticipated. The hunger for blood.”

“She didn’t mean to turn you into vampires. She wanted you to be safe, to never die.”

“Everybody makes mistakes,” he scoffed. “It wasn’t her first…”

“What do you mean?”

“Miss Gilbert and her friends believe Niklaus wants to break the Sun and the Moon Curse.”

“That’s not true?”

“He wants to break a curse, but not that one. That one… doesn’t exist.”

“Wha- what do you mean, it doesn’t exist? Elena has to die to break it.”

“Niklaus and I faked the Sun and the Moon Curse a long time ago. We made it so vampires believed that if they broke the curse themselves they will be able to walk in the sun. But if a werewolf breaks it, then they wouldn’t have to turn at the full moon anymore,” he said, leaving Mackenzie speechless, “We were looking for the moonstone and the doppelganger. We figured that the best way to find them was to send two different species after them.”

“But… if the Sun and the Moon Curse is fake… what do you need Elena for?”

“There is a curse Niklaus wants to break. It’s a curse placed on him. You see… My brother and my father didn’t get along well. When Niklaus made his first kill as a vampire, we found out the truth. Niklaus wasn’t my father’s son. My mother had been unfaithful many years before, Klaus was from a different bloodline. Of course, when my father discovered this, he hunted down and killed my mother’s lover and his entire family, igniting a war between the species that rages until this day.”

“A war between species…”

“The vampires… and the werewolves.”

“I- I don’t understand…”

“Niklaus’ father was a werewolf. When he killed for the first time he triggered his werewolf curse. But a hybrid would be deadlier than a vampire or a werewolf so my mother saw to it that my brother’s werewolf side would become dormant. Klaus wants to trigger that part of him that’s a werewolf. If that happens, Niklaus would sire his own bloodline, he’d build his own race, endangering not only vampires… but everyone.”

“Wait, wait,” she stopped him. “So, a werewolf will only turn at the full moon if they’ve killed someone?” she asked and he nodded. “And… you helped Klaus fake the Sun and the Moon Curse? Why?”

“I helped him because I loved him. That’s changed now. He must die.”

“Okay,” she nodded, understanding how he felt, “but… you burnt the tree that could kill you. How are your siblings dead?”

“Well, the witches would never stand for such an imbalance, every creature on this earth must have a weakness, so they created silver daggers. Combined with the ashes of the white oak tree, once stabbed in the heart with them, we will die. Once the dagger is removed, we will come back.”

“So, you can’t die ‘die’. But... why can’t you use the dagger against Klaus?”

“When a werewolf is wounded by silver it heals. The daggers won’t work. There’s one way to kill any supernatural species, at the hands of the servants of nature themselves. If they can channel that much power. The Martins have a spell that could allow them to do so, but with you… I believe we stand a better chance.”

“Me?” she repeated, staring at him like he was crazy.

She got off the bed and started pacing in her room.

“You… I… ‘channel that much power’… I can’t even… I don’t even…”

She jumped, startled, when he was suddenly in front of her.

“Calm down.”

“You can’t expect me to be powerful enough to do that! I have no idea how to do… anything!”

“Jonas will teach you. I’m confident you will be ready in time.”

“What if… what if I’m not?” she breathed out with tears in her eyes.

He stopped her, put both his hands on her shoulders and made her look up at him.

“You’re an elemental, an ultimate, you’re more powerful than my mother ever was. You will be ready in time. You can do this. You have to.”

She didn’t know why he had such confidence in her. Maybe it was because failing wasn’t an option. If Klaus became a hybrid then many people would die and they couldn’t let that happen. Elijah was right. She had to do it. She had to do it for Elena.

“So what about the sacrifice?” she asked, then sniffed. “How are you gonna keep Elena safe?”

“I have a potion I had made five centuries ago for Katerina. If Elena drinks it, she’ll die but will come back to life.”

“You… you tried to save Katherine’s life?”

“Yes,” he nodded, and it was obvious he didn’t want to talk about it.

“Does Elena know? About the potion?”

“She doesn’t have all the details, no.”

“But does she know she has to do the sacrifice? That she has to die?”

“She does. Miss Gilbert is truly remarkable, she doesn’t want anyone to die for her. She’s quite the opposite of her ancestor…”

“Why… why don’t you want Elena to know… all of this?”

He sighed. “I’m not sure they deserve to know, yet.”

“But I do?”

“What I’m asking from you is…” he stopped, then shook his head, “yes, you deserve to know why you’re doing what you’re doing.”

Mackenzie shook her head, but then nodded.

“You don’t trust them.”

“I doubt they trust me. I’m sure they’re looking for a way to get rid of me as we speak.”

“Elena wouldn’t do that.”

“How would you know? You’re not friends.”

“I just… she wouldn’t...”

“I would agree with you. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for her friends, the Salvatores. Especially Damon.”

“I’ve never met Damon.”

“Lucky you,” he chuckled.

“I, uh…” she paused, then looked down. This wasn’t going to be easy to ask. “Elena said that Stefan didn’t drink human blood…”

“I’m not surprised,” he nodded.

“What about… Damon? What about…”

“Me?” he cut her off and she nodded. “Well, we’re vampires. We need to feed, one way or another.”

“But Stefan… how does he do it?”

“He lives in the middle of the forest, doesn’t he?” Elijah shrugged. “As for the rest of us, blood bags are a decent solution, not that we only feed from those.”

“So…” she cleared her throat. “You kill people…”

“Not necessarily. We can drink from someone without killing them. But yes, we kill people, but you already knew that.”

Yes. Yes, she did already know that. And she didn’t want to be reminded of it.

“Let’s talk about something else,” she said before she made her way back to her bed.

“You should rest, now. You’ll need your strength to practice magic later today.”

Mackenzie sighed as she sat down. She was tired, she couldn’t deny it, but she was afraid of the nightmares, and after the conversation she just had, she was bound to have some.

“Please,” he insisted. “After what happened last night I’m sure you could use a few hours of sleep.”

“Can we please just keep talking? I don’t think I’ll be able to fall asleep if I’m alone…”

Elijah sighed. He walked towards her and gestured her to lie down. She moved so he could sit next to her. She was so small her feet didn’t even reach the jacket that was at the end of the bed.

“You’re not alone,” he said as he moved to lean against the wall.

“I’m sure you have better things to do then watch me sleep…”

He frowned. “Not really,” he said, as if it were a surprise to him too.

She laid down on the side, facing him.

“You don’t have to take care of me. I’ve been fine on my own for two years.”

“Obviously not,” he said and it sounded meaner than he intended it to be. “I believe you could use the company. So could I. But if you want me to leave then I won’t stay any longer.”

He moved to get up but Mackenzie immediately put her hand on his to stop him.

“Wait… Don’t go.”

She could see he was surprised but all he saw in her eyes was a plea. She wasn’t scared of him, for once, she was scared of being alone.

“Very well.”

She relaxed when he positioned himself back on the bed. She took a deep breath before she settled her head between the pillows and closed her eyes. She was exhausted. The silence wasn’t so scary with Elijah sitting right next to her. She focused on his breathing, it soothed her. The situation she was in didn’t even surprise her. Elijah wasn’t a big bad vampire anymore but her friend. The one and only person she could count on. Someone who was keeping her secret just like she was keeping his. Someone she could trust. She hoped.

[fattygraves]

Nashville

My weekend did not have a proud start.  On my 8:30pm flight to Nashville, I was exhausted. When exhausted, I also feel frisky and cuddly. This was not helped by the fact that I was flying next to a man who was the epitome of Canadian masculinity—avid winter sportsman with rough hands and rugged opinions. What magnificent hands he had. He was married with children, but we were flirting heavily anyway. I told you– I’m not proud. There was a lot of wonderfully unnecessary leg-touching. We sat in the back of the plane and ended up creating a little foursome with a Norwegian oil-worker, an obese southern health care worker, Renee (the masculine Canadian), and me, a wide-eyed woman in finance. I landed in Nashville at 9:30pm & was ready for bed, but ended up taking an Uber with Renee to his hotel in the opposite direction of my brother’s workplace. We thought the two locations were close. And, we were having too much fun flirting to double-check. I told myself it was innocent. I’m still not sure it was.

We dropped Renee at his hotel, where he hovered, saying nothing but looking at me like I look at Pizza when I’m on a diet. Then he disappeared to his room alone. We didn’t even hug goodbye because I think we both realized we were playing with regrettable fire.  Renee didn’t seem to want to be the kind of man who’d do that to his wife. I didn’t want to be the kind of woman who would do that either. My hormones made me sullen, and my mind made me ashamed. So that’s how I felt when I went to wait for my brother at the bar of his restaurant/bar workplace, Bastion.

The cocktails were good and I quickly found these young artist-looking bucks. Amid joking with one that I really liked, two women walked between us and sat down.  They said my brother had sent them over. Food industry friends of his, apparently.  And they said “you’re welcome” for saving me from the weirdo with whom I was talking.  My face did not inch towards smiling at that comment. I liked the weirdo and his too-big glasses and greasy hair. I liked him a lot. I made a salty comment about how Alex must not know me at all to send over two women to keep me company in a room of strangers because I love strangers.  They were staying for good at this point as they had bought drinks, and I decided against being awkward or miserable. I definitely didn’t want to embarrass my brother, which is easy for me to do as we are polar opposites in almost every regard. So, I decided to enjoy being with them. Besides, everyone is interesting if you dig, I reminded myself. So I dug. And they were interesting. We talked post-baby bodies and post-baby shirt-on sex. Tracy, my favorite between the two, called herself corn-fed a couple times, which I learned is the same as calling yourself a heifer with a smile.

Alex took me to Attaboy after that. It’s a gorgeous bar. It’s secretive and stripped down and makes you want to curl into someone’s arm and swim around so deep in their gaze that you nearly drown smiling. I can tell you the cocktail I drank was a work of art and the people’s faces were flesh-colored, but that’s it. Because after the initial impression, I flopped myself over the bar and nearly fell asleep. I remember one thing—the male bartender was married to a man and had a beard. But that’s not distinguishing because in Nashville every man who can grow a beard grows his goddamn beard.  

Thursday Thursday Thursday. I woke up alone on Thursday morning on the pull-out bed of my brother’s new house. He was sleeping at his old house as his bed was still there.  He would be moving into his new home later in the day.  I called him and asked if he’d be alright to meet at 2pm because I had a whim to try out Kundalini yoga.  The opportunity for alone time seemed to be a relief for him. So, I threw on my tennis shoes and jogged at a tortoise-like pace for 6.2 miles to the nearest Kundalini yoga class.

I’ll give you two words to sum up my experience there: Asshole surgery. Unexpected, right? I thought so too. But that’s what we talked about after class. You see, Kundalini Kate (as I began to call her) was a 30-something yoga student who spent the ENTIRE yoga class talking, coughing, crying, belching, complaining about nausea, complaining about heartache, and farting.  This is not from illness. Oh no. This is how she is at every single class and how she has been at every single class FOR FOUR YEARS. This is just her spiritual journey physicalizing itself, they explained— just like a guy who had three asshole surgeries. THREE surgeries on his sphincter, and this was an apparently healthy part of healing his soul. I was dissuaded from Kundalini by this point because if being healthy means asshole surgery, bring on the refined carbs. Nonetheless, it was a beautiful thing to see the genuine acceptance of our yoga teacher who, by the way, calls herself a Catholic Mystic and could not believe more in every aspect of Catholicism and every aspect of Kundalini Yoga.  Did you know we all have ten selves and some of those selves are in love with people who we loved from other lives? I didn’t.  Apparently, we should all recognize this truth to better understand ourselves. For example, she’s married but just knows she was in the deepest of loves with a man in another life and in another self but he is, in this life, a very wise practitioner of evil black magic and also a kundalini yogi. She’s also a spiritual shapeshifter, appearing as different people depending on the circumstance. I got in my Uber at this point because I had to meet my brother to help him move some boxes, but I bet there was a whole lot more.

That night, Alex had me set up to get the tasting menu at Bastion. Eating at Bastion is more spiritual than a gospel choir. God! I didn’t realize food could be like this. It was art. Art is honestly boring a lot of the time, but then you’ll hear that one song or watch that one movie or see that one painting and it stops you… like your scarf catching in a car door. This was the night I learned that food can do that to you. Soup from a can is so depressing to me now. I keep getting hungry and eating crap like that anyway, which makes me feel a little sad and frustrated. So, I think I’ll start cooking. I mean, if it doesn’t make me feel something, if it doesn’t have some intimacy and care to it, my new Foodie religion teaches me that I should wait until I can make or find something artful.

After dinner, I went to the bar in Bastion to wait for Alex to get off work. This is when I met Joey. Oh boy. If I wanted a man who was a relationship guy, it’d be him.  He’s a good 4 inches shorter than me, slightly chubby, bearded (surprise), and he just sparkles.  He loves people, and people love him. He zipped around behind the bar, but it felt like he was strolling around instead. He lingered and peered into each person’s soul just a bit when he handed them their drinks. He listened well. He made drinks well. He felt good in every single way a person can. Almost. You know how being on the ledge of a skyscraper, holding someone’s hand makes you feel? That’s a damn good feeling, but he doesn’t feel like that.  He feels like that Attaboy bar did.  He makes me want to curl up and swim in his gaze and in his arms. He’s safe, beautifully safe.

Okay, now Friday sweet Friday. My brother and I started the day at Barista Parlor. It’s a gorgeous, open coffee shop tucked away in a big garage with high ceilings, white shelves full of records, chic yet simple design, and hipsters everywhere. The coffee was good. I mean next level good.  It’s famously ridiculed for the care it gives to its beans, its roasting, and its pour-over technique. But that coffee is the best in the nation. My brother was distant and irritable at first, as he had to deal with some personal finance stuff. So, I sat at the big hand-crafted wooden table tapping my fingers and looking around uncomfortably since he clearly didn’t want me to be there with him, but I had no escape. I turned from bitter to giddy when I realized that I could just get an Uber out of there. I suggested this with glee which offended him, so I stayed there, tapping my fingers. After he ate something and had coffee, he was all smiles. Not smiles, I suppose, more so smirks. But, he was definitely happier. He showed me this 3D wine map he created, which must have taken between a hundred and two hundred hours and was wildly impressive to say the least.

That night, we had dinner at a place called Rolf and Daughters, a rustic high class restaurant where we ordered nearly everything on the menu and tried different wines with each of the foods to see how they paired. It was really fun, actually. My brother finally sighed and said, “Okay. See, now I feel okay.” His month had been hectic and he was nobly trying his best to be present and kind, but the guy needed a break.

The meal was good. The conversation was better. My brother was honest about his perspective. He’s still upset about how distant and not nurturing our parents were and frustrated with their attempts to be close and nurturing now. Too little too late, he said. I said I wanted a relationship with them because they are fantastic people, albeit not so interested in being classic parents, and that I didn’t really care that they were reasonably absent in our childhood. He didn’t feel the same. That makes sense though.  He has trouble seeing beyond the purity of ideas—He is an idealist to his core, worshiping the thoughtful, thorough, and pure.  That means the titles “Mom” and “Dad” are more important than the individuals to whom the titles belong.  If you’re a Mom, be a mom. If you’re a Dad, be a dad. I imagine this love of purity is what causes his frequent frustration with the world. No one is pure. Pure isn’t even definable.

He also told me to slow the fuck down. As I talked about my career and how much I loved working and wanted to progress, he just said, “That’s good… but slow down.” That was it. That was the whole conversation about my work. Just “slow down.” He was right. I changed my perspective almost instantaneously. I don’t need to be staring at the future all the time. It makes me feel inadequate to not yet be there.  The stuff of life however is the right here, right now, person-to-person aliveness, isn’t it?  That’s where the best surprises are.  They’re right now, with you, right here. Smell the roses and all that.  The rest of the dinner doesn’t matter really. Except the sourdough noodles. Damn, those were good.

After dinner, we went to the LCD Soundsystem concert. This is where I met Matt.

Matt and I met because of two things: One, my brother knew and loved him already because they are both top-of-class alcohol people. (My brother, wine. Matt, cocktails and some wine.)  And two, he was dancing more wildly than anyone else at the venue, arms flailing, head banging, knees bending, eyes often closed, which drew me like a similarly flailing magnet. I stared smiling at his black skinny almost-handlebar mustache when my brother introduced us. The wonderful weirdo. Matt’s brother danced just like Matt. I joined in with them instantly, and Matt was downright amazed by this. The rest of the audience members were bobbing their heads to the ethereal rock tunes. It felt surreal, like we were floating on the eerie beats. The three of us, Matt, his brother, and I continued on with the head-banging and body-thrashing until the lights came up and the stage was cleared. I didn’t think much about his affection that night. I was not thinking about anything besides having as much fun as possible. And of course, I interspersed my flailing with scanning for Joey.

He was there too, Joey. And I only had eyes for him all night. 5 of us squeezed into a compact Uber car after the show—his short arm was forced around me and my big ass was forced on top of him. We both mentioned that we liked the arrangement. My brother was in the front seat. The Uber driver said, “Well, everybody’s squeezed in here pretty awkwardly.”  My brother replied while chuckling, “Yeah, but it’s not as awkward as one of my best friends and my sister blatantly flirting in front of me.”  This is the closest to protective I’ve ever seen him. It was surprising for us both I think.

Joey sure can hold his own in a crowd. Everyone adores him and he adores everyone.  He’s short, but refuses to stand above people when they talk to him from a chair anyway. He always squats down to get on their level. I saw him do this multiple times. He just seems inherently humble and confident. Joey is a man to fall in love with.  He’s a guy who I’d want my genes to mix with. He’s a guy who’d love well and parent kids well. He’s a partner kind of guy. I say all this after onle two days of knowing him, so I’m very likely wrong.  Why do we do that? Make all these fantasies and plans with so little foundation to base them on.

I’m not really good for people like that. I realized this fact with my traveling of late. I love adventure and freedom and opportunity and flirting. I’ve been trying to find the perfect regimen of food and sleep and exercise for my mental health. Yet, enjoying life with all its booze, calories, and people leaves me beaming for days. So does being curled around this computer alone, typing to you in darkness. There’s a balance. But balance is so annoying to try to strike. Extremes, baby. That’s where the fun lives.

There’s one more person you need to meet from Friday. He has a first name, but he lied about what it was six times in a row so I don’t know what it is, but everyone just calls him Finney.

Finney is Alex’s manic-depressive addict ex-roommate. They lived together 3 years ago, and the experience was equal parts hilarious and hellish.  Finney says more lies than truths because facts about himself (where are you from, what do you do, etc.) are not worthy of being shared in his mind. I don’t think he thinks that people actually want to know those things. Or maybe he thinks that if they do care about those things, they’re idiots because those things don’t matter.  Maybe he’s right. And maybe we only want to know those things so we can decide if someone is worth knowing more deeply. Maybe he’s afraid no one will want to know him once they see he’s just as human as they are.

He said he had been in the Navy, Law school, and about 3 other false professions I can’t remember. I can’t tell you where he’s from because he gave too many different stories to too many different people.  I can’t tell you what he does currently for work or what his musical preferences are as he pretended to both love and hate about every genre mentioned.  I can only tell you how he felt— that was the one thing he was honest about. I know he really liked a girl named Jacqueline that night and was sad that she didn’t seem to end up liking him all that much. I can tell you that he was uncomfortable when a couple people didn’t laugh at his jokes and that he was annoyed by some man’s bro vibes at the party we went to after the concert. He was so loudly himself and so relentlessly mocking of the world around him that he made almost everyone shift uncomfortably. I really liked him, hilarious hellion that he was. I really really did.

And so did my brother, funnily enough.  He likes eccentrics too, it seems. They make him smile like a dog with his head out the window.  He so thoroughly enjoys the ride.

Saturday. Okay. Buckle up.

My brother and I had brunch with Tony, the 33-year-old charming horndog and Sarah, the 22-year-old sexy bundle of substances.  Tony owns the house my brother moved out of over the weekend. That’s how we spent our daylight hours—moving my brother from Tony’s house to Jordan’s. Tony was, that very day, moving back into my brother’s old room from LA. And he brought Sarah along for the road trip because, as my brother eloquently put it, “he needed someone to keep his dick wet.”  This is maybe a heinous thing to say but it was also accurate. We picked them up at 10:30am, and she was already drunk.  She was maybe 95 pounds, glossy-haired, manicured, tanned, and scantily clad.  Her most redeeming quality was her wide flat box of a nose.

She bobbed into the car and said a slurred comment about her star sign and Nashville and how happy she was to be here. Five minutes later, I kid you not, she asked, “Hey… where are we?” Alex laughed and said, “You mean, where in Nashville?” To which she responded, “OH! We’re IN Nashville. Wow. I can’t believe I’m in Nashville. I really like you guys so much. You know that? And Tonty loves Nashville so much. Do you guys call him Tonty here too? Ton. Tee. Tonty Tonty.” She rubbed herself all over him while giggling before he put her back in her spot like a child who escaped her car seat. She went back to smiling blankly out her window.

The meal we shared with them was delicious beyond words. We went to Urban Cowboy, which is a B&B that has a restaurant considered a food industry secret—everyone worth their salt in the food industry is in love with the Urban Cowboy brunch menu. We ordered the whole menu to share. Sarah didn’t experience this lovable brunch because she only ate the grapes, which were grilled. The fact they were grilled surprised her every time she ate one. All 6 times. I know this number because she mentioned that they were too warm every time she put one in her mouth to which I would respond, “Yes, they’re grilled.” To which she would go blank for a bit and then reply, “It’s weird that they’re warm, right?” I sounded like a tired caretaker of an Alzheimer’s patient by the end of the meal, at which point she was 4 tequila shots and one cocktail in, this added to whatever she was hopped up on before the meal.

When we dropped Tony (or Tonty as Sarah was still relentlessly singing) and Sarah off, Sarah told us to maybe text later, but definitely much later, because they’d be “fucking for like four hours.” Then, she giggled and stumbled into the house on Tony’s arm.  As soon as that house door closed, my brother and I laughed the kind of uncontrollable laughs that only come when you’re making fun of someone. It’s sad that making fun of someone can be that fun, but damn, it really is. We drove off with giant guffaws, aching sides, and needle-sharp jokes.

That night, my brother and I bought prosciutto and basil pizza by-the-slice at this place called Five Points Pizza, where the chefs all had tattoos and casually flung pizza crusts in the air with cool smiles on their faces. We bought a bottle of wine, went home, and fell asleep watching Rick & Morty nestled into our individual spaces on the L-shaped couch, empty wine glasses and pizza crusts discarded around us.

I woke up at 11:30pm and asked my brother if he wanted to go to Matt’s big after-party for the fancy chef-centric event at the baseball stadium. I can’t remember what the Nashville team name is, but it was a Major League. Who cares about their name though? My brother said he’d do what I wanted and I said I’d do what he wanted and after a couple rounds of that I said, “If I wasn’t here, what would you do?”

He responded with, “I’d honestly go to bed. These last few weeks are catching up to me.”

“Perfect!” I said, “I’ll grab an Uber over and you go to sleep.” I threw the last of the pizza crusts in my mouth, gussied myself up, and ordered an Uber.

The Uber driver was a large, white, bald Iranian man who was thrilled to hear that I was visiting from Chicago because he loved the movie Chicago, the “beautiful, beautiful” movie Chicago.  He said that the movie taught him not to “mess up with Chicago women, because Chicago women are dangerous. In a good way, they are dangerous. The most dangerous women– Chicago women.“ He then told me I look like Catherine Zeta-Jones, which I very clearly do not. The compliment made me feel powerful and gorgeous anyway.

I bounded out of the car to a dwindling after-party crowd. It was five minutes past the stadium’s closure for the night (meaning, the after party was supposed to be over) and they were ushering everyone out. I plowed right past the exiting numbers with my arms flung up in the air like I was Dolly of Hello, Dolly herself.  Matt waved and sidled his way out of his conversation, but Tracy got to me first.  Yeah, you’ve read her name before. She’s the corn-fed woman my brother sent over to greet me the first night I was in Nashville. We had a witty but forgettable conversation, because both of us were too distracted by the small Filipino guy dancing intently to the DJ. He was the only one dancing. And when the DJ stopped and began to pack up, he continued dancing.  Drugs were very present this evening for him, I think.

The DJ group called themselves Sparkle City Disco and they were composed of three young men whose individual personalities had no hope of living up to the personalities of their clothes. They played disco music on vinyl only and accompanied the music with a series of flashing retro neon lights. I met all three of them but talked most with Jonas. He had a tight lil butt and high fashion overalls and gorgeous hair and thick-rimmed glasses. He talked to me slowly with his southern drawl, a crooked smile that wouldn’t quit, and the sweetest eyes. He told me about how he co-owned a pizzeria with a recovering drug addict, and I smiled at him like he was the most beautiful soul I’d ever met.  The DJ’s and the chefs packed into cars to go to Matt’s brother’s place at 1:00am or so. They were running out of space so Matt suggested I ride with him on his scooter. I adored the idea and skipped and danced my way to the two wheels of fuel-efficient freedom.

The scooter looked like a motocross bike but was under 50 cc’s and had a horn that sounded like a kid’s toy. The horn gave him so much pleasure that he could not stop giggling when he honked it, which must have been 50 times in the 15 minutes we rode. When we were climbing on, he put the only helmet on my head and tied the strap under my chin because the snap was broken.  When he did that, he kissed me on my mouth/cheek, which took me by surprise so I responded by saying “ohwoah. I didn’t realize… I would’ve…” but I stopped my sentence there because I didn’t know what I would have done.  He smiled but otherwise didn’t respond. We just climbed on and rode, the slightly drunk Matt and I. Yes, I agree that was a dumb move. What a glorious ride that was though. That was the way to see the city—in the quiet 1:00am glow, whipping through the wind with my hands around his torso, resting on the small pouch of stomach fat over his otherwise muscular body. I breathed in deeply, just to smell the warmth of him. Ah, men. Yum.

Matt made me feel good in a dangerous way, like death might be a consequence of loving him. He listens to albums from beginning to end without distraction, often on vinyl. He has a typewriter, which he frequently uses. He talked about kindness and how he tried to train clients of his restaurant to be kinder, which seemed ironically patronizing to me. He spoke of politics only from the perspective of the heart. He talked music and food and drink and people only when he loved them, and oh man did he love the things he talked about. He also had a lot of idealistic arguments about how one should live life that did not make a lot of sense. His arguments weren’t arguments really though. They were impassioned perspectives. Beautiful little flimsy boats floating along without any motors or sails, boats that I liked looking at too much to bare filling them with holes. 

He also offered me cocaine, an offer that I politely declined. Actually, I confidently and rudely declined, now that I think about it. I just laughed outright and said no without hesitation, which does retrospectively explain why he got sheepish immediately after the rejection and then said “yeah… yeah. Me either.” He then remarked, “Sometimes you want to be a nut. Sometimes you want to not be a nut. I’ve learned that when I want to be a nut, I have to tone it back.”

He was an angel-headed hipster through and through, wasn’t he? That Allen Ginsburg descriptor just rolled around and around in my mind like one of those carnival tilt-a-whirls that I almost killed myself on as a kid.  When I was 6 or something, I tried to climb out of one of those and my dad about lost his own life trying to get on and stop me from committing self-inflicted manslaughter. All I remember is feeling sick and also angry that Dad wouldn’t just walk through the metal death trap and save me like Jesus on water.  It’s so funny how confident we all were that our dads once had biblical superpowers.

During my discussion with Matt, the Sparkle City Disco DJ’s had brought in their whole set up. Flashing neon lights were transforming the white walls to lime green to blue to pink.  Old disco records spun on the vintage DJ record table and filled the crates piled around the couch.  There was plenty of room for the whole DJ setup too because Matt’s brother’s house, a large proper house, mind you, not an apartment, was nearly empty. Books were stacked here and there. A small couch sat in the middle. Otherwise, nothing.  Just a house full of disco records, bearded chefs, and me.  One of the chefs I talked to practiced Jiu Jitsu in his off time. He taught me how to choke him out and then tried to trick me into full-on knocking him out with a sleeper hold. 

I talked more with Jonas, the DJ with the tight little butt, about his pizzeria before getting swept away by Matt again, that Angel Head. But that didn’t stop Jonas from tying to kiss me at the end of the night, which I was too surprised by to even know if I’d want to return the affection.

When the clock hit 3:15am, I left the party, took an Uber to get my bag at my brother’s, and then took another Uber to the airport, boarding my plane at 4:30am.  I fell asleep immediately upon sitting down in the airplane, a smile plastered on my face.

[queencryo]

Journal 3

now with readmore

Journal 3

So! After typing up the last blog post, it was like… 6 am, or some shit like that. And so I finally went to sleep, very very very tired.

Silly and I had planned for me to have the buffalo chicken dip ready before she got home form work, but I… fucked that up, and slept until like 630 pm. She didn’t seem to be upset by it, but I kind of was so. Anyway!

I started on the dip, and she came home, I welcomed her (I love welcoming her home. It makes me look forward to being here long-term). Dip didn’t get started in the crockpot until like 730, 8 (I had to heat freezer chicken so it was cuttable and not frozen, I used the stove) (normally I use regular raw chicken, but I got nervous while shopping with silly’s mom so I like. Just got freezer chicken.) It turned out pretty well actually! The freezer chicken tasted very good on its own, and I’m just now realizing that after a couple days in the fridge the chicken starts breaking down in the dip anyway (I didn’t realize this until silly pointed it out, cuz I’m a [not stupid, but I don’t pay very much attention to things around me])

On that note, me and silly have started, like. Trying to be mean to ourselves less. It started cuz she. Is very mean to herself, but I then realized I still am too, so we’re! trying to do that less. It’s neat I guess. I like it. Kindness is good.

Don’t remember what was eaten for dinner that night. Something? Went upstairs to watch something while the dip cooked.

The dip was good! Silly says it was good, and that makes me very very happy. I added like. A good amount of buffalo sauce after it was done cooking, cuz it still needed some more kick. Ya know? Some  kick? (I’m typing this on my laptop so I’m like. Kind of zoning out while I’m typing it. Dw about it)

Around then I realized that silly might have problems eating that as a meal bc chips are carbs are sugar, so… bleh. Still, *I’ll* eat it as meals, nyeh. I think I’ll ocntinue using raw chicken for the dip at home, it’s nice to have the leftovers from it to put into spaghetti. Chicken spaghetti.

That night I resolved to just not sleep and stay up and eat breakfast with silly before she went to work, because that seemed very fun and nice ya know? Watched a lot of adventure time, I think I’m up to like. Season 5 now (the long one)

But… around an hour before she was scheduled to wake p I was like “oh well I mean it’ll be fine if I just… sleep for an hour and wake up with her…”

Long story short I slept until about 530 pm, and was startled to wake to an empty bed. Apparently I sleepily said I loved her before she left, though, so I guess that’s not a total loss.

So! Later that night, silly comes home all excited, and like. “Hey we should buy an xbox one”

And you know I am nothing if not someone who is willing to make very expensive decisions for like no reason. So long story short we go to gamestop, and make a delightful purchase of Halo: master chief collection, two controllers, Mass Effect: Andromeda, and NO t-shirts that say gamer girl >>>:(

Ate a place in town that is apparently The Local Wing Place. I got. Mild wings, which honestly were barely even hot. I guess I shoulda heeded the menu bit that said the mild was mostly butter. A fool am I. The fried pickles were spears not slices so they were like! Still good, EXTREMELY hot but still good.

Came home, set up the xbox. Halo requires downloading of all the games (because of course). It’s like. 70 GB, but we reduce this by setting Halo 3 to higher priority and disabling Halo 4.

Playing 3 with silly was very fun. She’s way way better at it than me, mostly bc she is smart and stays back whereas I, dumbo raised on normal difficulty that I am, rush in and die quickly in heroic.

She spent like. An hour and a half or something updating her old xbox account. Her new xbox avatar looks way better, and is extremely cool (like her). She says it feels really nice updating all of that to her new self. I can understand the feeling: ridding the wolrd of another footprint of a you that’s a lie is. Very nice, I think.

So we played more halo! No highlights, I think, but it was really nice. And fun. I’m a girl and I’m gay now and I love jesus, but I still love halo C:

I ALSO brought fable 2 along, and played it while silly slept. Gotdamn I fucking love fable 2. Silly says I’m cute when I’m really excited about something. I was REALLY excited about fable 2. I think this is the first time I’ve ever done a run that’s (hopefully) gonna be mostly strength, and possibly I’m gonna use a hammer, where before I always ALWAYS used a katana. But. I just unlocked third level shock (oo) and a very pretty steel cleaver (ooo), so… ….. hopin’ I’ll be a good bastard.

Next day. Went with silly to work, as it was Friday and Time For The Magic Commander (Commeownder, in the local parlance). I only played commander a little bit, though, before silly called me over “hey do you wanna join the draft so that there are 5 rounds and everyone suffers” (my words not hers), and of course yes, that sounds so fun.

So! What draft is is each table (of I think eight people?) opens a pack of cards for each person there. You pick out the card you want from that pack, and pass it on to the next person. Then pick a card from the new pack, then the next, then so on and on. It was very fun, and I fell kinda quickly into running a Golgari (green and black) deck, which went well for me I think? (Also I just. Like golgari. They’re cool, and not annoying like blue). I had a lot of undergrowth effects, which depended on how many creatures I had in my graveyard. MEANING, that I had a lot of creatures in my deck, and enough land to keep them flowing. So, at one point, I had a, I think, 13/13 or 16/16 (idr) Rhizome lurker (gains +1/1 for each creature in graveyard), so that was… cool? Neat?

I won my first match of the draft, largely due to my opponent offering me a lot of tips cuz I was new (the boyfriend (boyfriend, right? They’re not married?) of the person silly had an encounter with a couple months ago. I think that was before we were dating. But that guy was my first opponent, and it went well?) largely due to his help, I won te first game of the match, then the second game timed out.

Second match was against F, who everyone silly knows apparently has a crush on (I also have a crush on them (they/them)), they were very very sweet and I enjoyed my game with them a lot even though they kicked the love of god out of my ass. But they also like. Told jokes during it, so whatevs. (turns out a deck of flyers will kick a goglari deck with no reach/flying in the ass.) they also helped me edit my deck, so that was very very kind of them, and I very much appreciate it.

Uh… other highlights… uh, I played silly’s ex (they dated for like. I think a month? But still. He’s not nearly as big as silly described him), and apparently hurt his feelings because I am a. very very mean and abrasive person if you take the things I say seriously. I. feel bad about that. And I spent the rest of the night noting to please not take the things I said seriously. I ended the night with 1 win, 1 draw, 3 losses, but that’s? very very much better than I expected, tbh. I guess using a deck I actually had a hand in the creation of helps a lottttt. So that’s cool! Silly said my deck was good, but that as after F edited it, so idk if it counts?

Silly says she’s glad I actually enjoy magic and I’m not just humoring her. I do very much enjoy it! I don’t think I want to get to the level she is at (due to cost, if nothing else), it at the very least will be added to my long list of “things I have or had an interest in, that I have a dabbling or casual knowledge of that is beyond the average person by a degree ranging from slight to significant, but still pales in comparison to the knowledge of an actual practitioner”.  … this list is much much longer than the list of things I actually know things about. ;;

Spent like 30 minutes after the draft talking with silly and two regulars. I was annoying and unkind, and felt very unhappy with myself following. I also had to actually leave the store after it closed, since that’s like. The Rules. Silence and isolation (waiting in the car) are not conducive to recovery from self hatred, so that festered a little bit. I was fine eventually, though. Uh… yeah! Had to make a mark in my calendar.

Tried to stay up and play fable, but ended up falling asleep like 10 minutes after silly (I am a fucking scourge and I fail regularly to sleep at the same time as her. I am a Night Bitch)

Oh, also I was unmedicated for the entirety of the draft night, so that’de, like… that’s why I was so fucking annoying all day. That just kinda happens when I’m off it long enough, I guess.

I don’t remember more from that night, so let’s move on.

Got up w silly the next day, ate cereal, went up to the store. Woo!

Sat down with silly’s ex, some other dude. Started reading the book gf gave me about Learning Magic Good And Shit, it was actually real neat and cool! Apparently that’s what he wanted for Christmas, so it was. Slightly awkward!

I read that for a while, then joined in on a magic game. Players: one of the regulars talked to last night before closing, some girl I’d never seen called E (who was very sweet, I now love her), and some dude I don’t remember at all.

We had two games, I only remember that in the second one I ran Estrid The Masked as commander, and that was a. Long Fucking Game. Partially because I had like 11 enchantments on the board at one point, and kept using Estrid and Oath Of Terezi (planeswalkers do TWO things on a turn). Uh…

Highlights:

I had “every time someone casts a spell, make them pay an extra mana or else you can draw another card”, which I then doubled with Estrid’s invocation (at least until I had too many cards to know what to do with, so I put some enchantments in the graveyard before I ulted with estrid) I ulted Estrid like 2-3 times, lmao At one point between ults, I had “all enchantments are creatures” on the field, and then E played “destroy all creatures that aren’t pirates”, so I. lost. Uh. All my motherfucking creatures, except Estrid (not a creature), and a God (had a mask). And ALL my fucking enchantments. WARB- anyway next turn I ulted estrid again and got them all back. Lmfao. at the end of the game it cost about 14 mana / creature to attack me, it was AMAZING, the guy who made fucktons of tokens couldn’t TOUCH me so anyway. I used sacred mesa, plus like 48 mana (untapping all my enchanted lands is GREAT) to create 24 pegasi, which then became 24 4/4 flying angels (Divine Visitation), which was GREAT holy DAMN

I lost in the end, got milled by regular dude for like. 55 cards in one turn.

I coulda prevented this by exiling the creatures he used to mill me, but I just… didn’t. Ever. :C because I’m a foollllllll I also could’ve prevented this by swinging angels at him at the same time I killed the other player (E left before then, I guess she had work or something), but I just. Didn’t do that, because I was scared something would happen to them? It was an eminently foolish thing to not do, especially since I could make So Fucking Many angels. Always. Jesus I could make so many angels.

Meanwhile, silly was moving a shitton of boxes for the Big Fuckhuge Sale the next day. I felt bad that I couldn’t help, but I couldn’t bc if I got injured I could sue. Fair, I guess, but doesn’t make it easier to just sit on the sidelines. At least I brought ibuprofen from home.

Said quick goodbye to regulars who were chill, and who I played my first couple of games with.

Silly got told to just. Go home when her shift ended yesterday, which was upsetting bc she’d been looking forward to playing magic like. The whole day. Not quite the same, but we did play a few games when we got home. So that was nice C:

I ate dip for dinner, silly ate chicken buffalo. She is so. SO bad at eating all the meat on the bones. She says it’s cuz gristle is gross, but like .it’s. it’s MEAT. Eat the meat. So I ate all the gristle off the end of her wings while she said I was disgusting.

We finished halo 3 last night. I felt like. Stupid and bad because I was bein a failure at it, but god that was like. Soooo stupid. Lmfao. I shouldn’t have done that!

I finally managed to log in to my Microsoft account. Apparently my fucking username was staffgripper36, and I have no goddamned clue why that is my username for that.

But I made an avatar and she’s like. Cool af and she has a sundress so I guess I can’t really complain too much, can I?

We also started ODST! It is Neat, and I really like it thus far. I can’t remember ever seeing that intro cutscene in my life, but I guess that’s cuz I was an impatient 12 year old at the time, lmfao.

Then I played fable 2 til 7 am while silly slept. I. Don’t know why I fucking did that. I did get married, though. To marion the bookshop owner. We live in the corner house of the bowerstone market, just like the one playthrough of fable wherein I remember the name of my wife to this day (Hannah the Traveller) That house is my Home, you got me?

Finally onto today! 2520 words in. If words were feet, this journal entry would be a half-mile.

Alright… it has now been more than a full week since I started this journal entry. I’m back in Texas, and I… feel bad for that. I fear how much has been lost.

So! Next morning, I get up with silly and we go to The Work Place. The Big Fucking Sale is going on. I still wished I could help more, but unfortunately that is… not a possibility…

Wandered around the store for a while. Picked up: 4000 AD, a very old-looking game that seems neat. Mostly bought it cuz it looked old and aged as shit founders of gloomhaven, a game I got cuz it reminded me of marielda Anime Chess, that’s not the real name but silly said she’d been thinking about buying it for like. A While, so I bought it because I hate her an AD&D character sheets book, that still had some old character sheets in it (fuckin score) some VERY old vampire the masquerade stuff, including what I’m guessing is probably the first book that offered playing a hunter rather than a vampire? Also the sourcebook as of like 1992. More is the same than is different, though I guess that’s also cuz I barely know modern world of darkness

Sat around and read the hunter book for like. Basically a couple hours or something? Idk. Talked a little bit with some of the regulars, T and her boyfriend.

Eventually, left and went to the ice cream store across the street, ate Goat Cheese Ice Cream Oh Boy, and started writing this journal.

I wrote school’s motto on the chalkboard there, and later heard someone say “I… don’t know what that means. Should I know what that means?

Was surprised by the entrance of Silly. Goodness me I love her so much.

We then went home and like. Chilled.

She made alfredo/lentil pasta (so she doesn’t die from carbs) and fish. I, meanwhile, attempted to make raspberry cheesecake.

I got kinda stressed by the cheesecake process, cuz I was trying to multitask but still didn’t feel like I was going fast enough. I started doing that dumb anxiety over-done stuff thing that I do sometimes.

I then proceeded to open a very-fizzed dr pepper and just kinda. Break down a lil bit. I managed to keep it together until I had the cheesecake done, at least, I’m kinda proud of myself for that!

But yeah. Then I started crying or something, I don’t fully remember. I remember I accidentally made silly cry because I am an idiot, and also I was feeling bad because I felt helpless and pathetic, and typical consolation doesn’t really help with that. I’m sorry for that, darlin.

Anyway. She’s a really good fucking cook, like she’s better than my mom and dad both. Like not to be the kinda person who overpraises ther significant, but :eyes: !!! who knew that adding spices and not cooking from a box improved things??? @mom

I don’t really remember the rest of the night, nothing interesting I suppose. We probably played halo odst or something, and cuddled.

The cheesecake was… not to my taste, personally. Silly claims to kinda like it, but personally it fell into the “this isn’t really that good at all, why do I keep wantng to eat it”, probably my favorite part was the pre-baked crust.

Yeah! Stuf like that.

We got up the next morning. Busy day!!! The next 3 days, silly had em off and we were gonna make this day fuckin WORK for us

So we went to like. The nearby game store

There was a cat! And also I bought some magic card boosters. No news. Why the fuck was there a shitton of pathfinder corebooks on the Shelf O’ Unloved Games. Rude.

Had a fun conversation at a pet store

The game store near where silly worked had some things. She got halo 5, meaning she had The Complete Collection, not that it matters cuz everything after reach sucks. But anyway. She also got an application for there! So that’s really good, yay! Woo!

The nearby hobby shop was very neat, it had a shitton of gundam stuff, and like. Model trains! Wow! Apparently model rockets don’t fuckin come with the engine or anything.g that seems a little silly to me. Also they had some 3-d printing stations, but they’re apparently out for now. Idk whassup there.

Got some jingle bells at the nearby craft store, or whatever. Ran into a coworker of silly’s. she revealed that she almost named herself Katherine, and would’ve shortened it to Cat, meaning we fucking skated THIS close to me just absolutely refusing to talk to her in that alternate timeline.

Ate at dairy queen bc I had a gift card

THRIFT STORES

I made some very VERY nice discoveries. Oh HO, how delightful… some nice mugs, that I decided not to get on account of I was already transporting 3 of the things back home. But uhhh…. I got some cute skirts I think, basically just some bottoms, from the first store. Learned that my feet are not made for thrift store women’s heels. Sob.

Thrift shop two I found some very VERY nice things, including BASEBALL MOM SHIRT, and also a shirt for a basketball team for the immaculate conception high school, or some shit. I’m so excited to reveal that one. Also some things that were actually women’s tops, that might actually fit me or some shit (spoiler, they will not once I retry them on) (lol)

I uh… THINK after that we went home? And made tacos!!!!!! Holy shit silly makes such good fucking tacos oh my god. Like. I used to hate taco night at home, cuz that meant like. Dry hamburger meat with Taco Seasoning from HEB, in a hard taco shell.

But. I have discovered the truth of mixing a bit of salsa, corn, and beans into the meat, and getting it all moist, and also applying sour cream to the tacos. God they were so good holy fuck. Holy fuck. What a goddess.

We then proceeded to, I think, finish halo odst. What absolute heroines we are. I think we also watched all of otgw. I gushed about, like. The painfully o bvious metaphors and stuff that I knew about, and silly thought I was dumb I’m sure. But she did cry at the end, bc it’s very good and also because I was crying.

Stayed up later than silly did. Cried a little bit before I went to sleep because I. love her so much. Dear fuck I love her.

Ate breakfast the next morning. Returned from showering to find that silly was shooting me with a nerf gun. The fucker. We had a nerf gun fight and I’m PRETTY sure I got the better of her, because I’m very good and also extremely cool. :3 side note but she’s so amazing and I love her so much. NOT tearing up a little bit about how I am so extremely blessed to have met her. Jesus.

But uh. After that it was time to start packing, kind of. There was a not-small amount of crying. And divvying up of stuff, since I like. Did NOT have space for all of my things. Three piles: taking with me, hopefully to have mailed back to me (seriously, I need some of that stuff please. :C ), and Giving to silly because I love her and I love giving her things.

In that last group was: my first fountain pen (idk if that one or the one leye gave me was the first one I owned. But hey. Meh.) (I’m just gonna pronounce that as Ley-yey for the rest of my life. For anyone who’s not me, though, it’s like lye). She used it to write poetry on the piece of paper I used to demonstrate how to use it, and to get the ink going, and stuff. She then folded it up to look like a heart, because she’s the biggest dork on earth and also my favorite person ever to live. She did this while she was, in her words, “picking stuff out of the downstairs laundry baskets”, which is why I walked in on her doig this. The second time a ploy like this was foiled by my walking downstairs. What a loser. And yes I cried a LOT on reading that poetry, because, just… jesus. How could I not. my tentacle skirt. Please take care of it, it’s important! Hopefully I have found suitable replacements for it… probably some other stuff? I don’t fully remember… sorry….

She gave me the shirt for the now-defunct electric company owned by the Shithead dad of her childhood friend. Holy FUCK the perfect gift for me. Wow. I love artifacts!!! (we are both magpies lmao)

Never did find that pair of compression shorts she gave me last time I was down. I hope those turn up sometime, they were super handy.

Uh… so yeah. We packed up. Got most of my stuff sorted out, and figured out an outfit for the next day. I think here was where we watched otgw, actually. But yeah! Uh…

I don’t really remember much more, except hugging each other and crying. And remembering that soon I would be apart from her and feeling a deep, yawning sense of loss. And a longing to graduate so I can join her up north.

I tried to go to sleep with her, but I failed. I ended up closing my eyes for a little while, then stealing the 8.5x11 boarding pass I printed and gave to her (we each got one of the boarding passes, and one of the like. Ticket printed things? Of when I went up there. Even), and wrote her a letter on it with my/her fountain pen. I don’t remember much of what it said, beyond that I loved her in a way I never thought possible.

Went to the airport. Cried a little bit on the way there. Focused more on keeping intact for both of our sakes, since we were going on the Frightening route to the airport. I started to break down as I started getting close, thugh. Cried into her arms a little more as I got out of the car and left her behind for another few months. God,  Ihate it so much.

Writing these journals this far after the fact is bad both because I don’t remember as much, and also because I start missing her all over again. :C:C:C:C:C

But uh… yeah,  Ithink that’s it. Became emotionally dead as I went through the airport. Had to rush to make my first flight. Cuz… wanted to spend as much time as possible with my beautiful girlfriend before we had to go to the accursed birds’ nest. The TSA saw me as a girl. That was cool, but then they patted me down real fuckin thoroughly. Ate a biscuit after getting through. Basically slept through the rest of the thing.

Only started crying again once I got home.

Alright. We’re done here I think. I know I forgot a lot and that *hurts* me, but it’ll be alright. Honk.

These journals will likely get less detailed as time goes on. But as their number is yet small I think it’s okay.

[finn-nelson-for-the-win]

In My Head

Hello, my lovelies! I’ve been working on this short multi-part story (about 4 chapters) off and on for a while but I’m finally finishing it up now, so I decided to start posting it before I got super busy with real life again. I’ll probably post 1 chapter per week unless you lot beg me to post sooner or I feel extra eager to get the next chapter up, but we’ll see hahah

Side note: This chapter is quite a bit longer than the others will be, but I didn’t want to leave this chapter on a cliffhanger and I needed to give enough of the plot in this chapter that my description of the story would make sense…so yeah, you can definitely expect the others to be significantly shorter than this one is.

This story may not be everyone’s cup of tea (if you REALLY want to know what it’s about before you read it, skip down to the Author’s Notes and give that a quick read before deciding if you wanna proceed) but I don’t write to please everyone, so if you decide to read it...I truly do hope you enjoy! ^_^

***

After yet another exasperated sigh from her best mate, Chloe set aside the fashion magazine she had been flipping through and sat upright on the bed she had been laying on while her best mate was distracted with something else on the other side of the room.

“So, what’s the plan for tonight, Rae? There’s a new movie at the cinema that looks pretty good, if you wanted to do that. We haven’t gone to see a movie in a while and I’d be happy to pay for your ticket, since it was my idea!”

Chloe sat on the edge of Rae’s bed with her feet hanging over the edge as she waited for Rae’s reply.

“Actually, I can only hang out for a little while longer,” Rae responded as she turned away from her closet to face Chloe where she was sitting on her bed on the other side of the room.

“Why? Is your mum making you do something with her tonight? She knows that you and I always have a girl’s night on Friday nights, so I don’t know why she’d make other plans with you. Your mum likes me, so maybe if I talk to her about it, she’d be alright with letting us keep our plans…” Chloe trailed off as she stood from Rae’s bed and began walking across the room to the door to Rae’s room.

“No, it’s not because of my mum...uh,” Rae added before Chloe stepped outside of her room, “I sort of have a date...with Finn.”

“Finn...as in Finn Nelson?”

“It’s not like you or I know any other Finns, do we?” Rae replied with a huff as she turned her attention back to her closet and continued rifling through every article of clothing that she owned.

“I suppose not...how did this happen? When did this happen?” Chloe asked as she took a seat on the edge of Rae’s bed again.

“I’m not really sure what brought it on, but Finn and I were just wandering around the record shop on Wednesday, like we do at the end of every month when the shop puts a lot of the records on sale before they get their new shipments in stock. As we were standing at the till waiting to pay for some stuff we both got, he just asked if I wanted to hang out with him tonight.”

“Well, the two of you hang out all the time, right? What makes this time a date?”

“Yeah, but normally it’s just common places like the Chippy or the Swan when the gang goes to pass time. Or the record shop. Sometimes either his place or mine if we’re just going to listen to music,” Rae explained. “This time he specifically mentioned that he wanted to ‘go out and do something fun’ with me and he suggested bowling...it seemed quite date-like at the time, but now I’m second-guessing myself. What do you think, Chlo?”

“Hmm, bowling...really? If it is a date, it’s not a very romantic or sexy one, that’s for sure. I mean, I take my kid cousin bowling when I want to keep him busy and his mum gives me money to get him out of the house for a bit,” Chloe replied with a slight wince when she noticed Rae look back at her with her eyes wide.

“Oh no!”

“Bowling is like a fun group thing with friends…”

“Friends!?!”

“But I’m not sure about bowling as a date, Rae...I guess it would just depend on the people involved. Some people might like more casual dates. Bowling is pretty inexpensive too, compared to a proper date,” Chloe added with a shrug.

“This is awful, Chloe! What if I got it all wrong and this isn’t a proper date!”

“Well, then...Maybe he just sees you as a friend? And wanted to go bowling with you...as mates only.”

“A friend? I don’t want Finn Nelson as just a friend, Chloe! Should I call and cancel so then I can save myself the embarrassment of showing up and trying to make this into more than what it really is?” Rae asked in distress as she threw herself face-first onto her bed beside where Chloe was sitting.

“Rae, calm down. You don’t need to cancel your date with Finn. If this is your first time together in a date setting opposed to just ‘hanging out’ I’m sure Finn just chose bowling because it’s relaxed and low stress...for both of you!”

“Do you really think so?” Rae asked, barely lifting her face from the pillow it was buried in to prevent her question from being muffled.

“Of course!”

“So I should go on the date?” Rae asked hopefully as she sat up on the bed and angled her body towards Chloe.

“Yeah, that way you can know for sure whether he wanted it to be a proper date or if it was something more...platonic. Now come over here, Rae-Rae, I’ll help fix your hair for you,”

“Thanks, Chloe! I’m so glad that I have you to be my voice of reason and to look out for me,” Rae replied with a smile as she followed Chloe across the room to where she was digging in her bag for whatever tools she thought would be necessary to help style Rae’s hair for her date tonight.

“Of course, babes. I just want the best for you and to see you happy,” Chloe replied with a tight-lipped smile.

Chloe helped Rae finish getting ready for her date while the two girls listened to music and continued chatting about any random thing that came to mind. By the time Rae was ready to leave for her date, Chloe decided to follow her out the door and head back to her house as well after wishing her good luck on the date.

As soon as Chloe walked through the door to her house, she picked up the phone and dialed one of the phone numbers that she has long-since memorized, hoping that the person she was calling would pick up.

“Hello,” a cheerful voice rang out after only a few rings.

“Hiya, it’s Chloe! Thank god you picked up the phone,” Chloe replied with a sigh of relief, “are you free to meet me down at the Swan in about an hour?”

***

Chloe sat at one of the small booths in the corner of the pub, idly picking at one of the paper beer mats as she waited for the person she was supposed to be meeting to arrive.

“Hey Chloe! I know it’s a Friday night, but try not to have too much fun alright?” Archie joked lightly as he took a seat at the table across from where Chloe was sitting and set down the drink he had ordered from the bar.

“Hiya, Archie! I’m so glad that you didn’t already have plans for tonight, because I really didn’t feel like drinking alone.” Chloe replied with a weak smile.

“I see…Is the rest of the gang coming too or did ya just want it to be the two of us tonight?”

“Well, Rae and I were hanging out, but then she ditched me for Finn because they’re going on some type of a date or something and I didn’t want my entire night to be ruined because of that,” Chloe explained, making no attempts to hide the annoyance in her voice.

“Ah, I think I see what is going on now...” Archie trailed off as he took a sip of his cider, “You’re jealous of Rae!”

“I am not!”

“Chloe...can you honestly look me in the eye and tell me that you are not interested in Finn as more than a friend? You certainly seemed interested in him when the two of you were kissing at the rave a while back…” Archie said and immediately noticed the subtle shift in Chloe’s facial expression at that unexpected reminder.

“I don’t see him like that, I swear! Well, at least not anymore…”

“So you did see him ‘like that’ at some point, right?”

“Well of course I did, Archie! When Izzy first introduced me to the gang he was just this fit lad that intrigued me because he didn’t immediately try to make a pass at me and I liked that. I thought that Finn and I might be good together—until the rave and afterwards when we both decided that there was something off about the kiss we shared and that we’re best off as just mates—but I’ve moved on. I just...I don’t know...I can’t figure out why I’m as bothered as I am, but I am…”

“I see...well, could you maybe be jealous of Finn then?” Archie asked in contemplation as he took another drink of his cider.

“What?!? Are you serious, Archie? I don’t...I mean, I’m not a...Rae and I are, uh, mates—best mates, that’s all,” Chloe hurriedly tried to explain.

“Relax Chloe, I wasn’t trying to imply nothing, I’m just thinking out loud to help ya figure this out. You may not see Rae in that sort of way, but you could still be jealous of Finn because he’s taking time away from the time you would normally be spending with Rae.”

“Huh, maybe,” Chloe mumbled after she had visibly calmed down a bit.

“You did say that you and Rae were supposed to hang out tonight, but she had her date to go on, right?”

“Well, yeah…”

“So that could be it! I’ve known Finn since we were both kids and even now sometimes I’ll get a little bothered when he chooses a girl over spending time with me or the rest of the gang. It’s fairly normal, you just need to learn to not let it bother ya,” Archie replied with a smile as he reached across the table to place a reassuring hand over Chloe’s.

“Maybe you’re right, Archie...I’m sure it’s not a big deal. I just...I just hope she’s enjoying her night out with Finn. She was really nervous and I know that she deserves the best, so Finn better not treat her as anything less than perfect.”

Archie looked across the table at Chloe as she lifted her drink to her lips and finished off the remainder of her glass, waiting for her to return his gaze.

“Trust me, Chloe,” Archie began with a small smile when Chloe looked up to meet his eyes, “Finn proper fancies her. I don’t know what’s going to come from their date, but I can tell ya that he’s not going to do anything to hurt her.”

Chloe gave Archie a small smile of relief and nodded, but was thankful when Archie offered to go get both of them another drink from the bar.

The two continued drinking and talking about college and their classes until well into the evening when they both decided that it was getting late and they should be headed home.

Although neither of them brought up the topic of Rae or her date with Finn for the rest of the night, Chloe could not help but notice how frequently her thoughts would linger on the idea of her being jealous of Finn.

***

College had been especially hectic for Chloe this past week, so when she finally had a few hours to just enjoy her afternoon Saturday without worrying about anything else, she seized the opportunity to treat herself to a relaxing day at home.

Chloe was sitting on her bed, three movies into her romantic comedy movie marathon and painting her nails, when she heard a quiet knock at the door of her room.

“Come in,” Chloe called before looking up from her freshly painted nails and towards the door as it opened slowly, “Oh! I thought you were my mum! What are ya doing here, Rae?”

“Don’t tell me ya forgot! We agreed to spend today together since our girl’s night plans last night were thrown off by my date with Finn. I’m a bit early, I know, but I hoped you wouldn’t mind,” Rae replied as she walked into the room and set her denim backpack on the floor against the wall before closing Chloe’s door behind her.

“Of course I don’t mind, Rae! I’m always happy to see ya!”

Rae sat down on the floor beside Chloe’s bed as Chloe continued painting her nails and the two continued watching the movie that Chloe started before Rae had arrived.

With her fingernails looking freshly polished and perfect, Chloe beckoned Rae to join her on the bed so they could both watch a movie together from a more comfortable position.

“So...how did your, uh, date go?” Chloe asked as she looked through the small stack of movies she had to choose from before choosing one that she knew they both liked.

“It was alright. I think maybe you were right about it not being a proper date, though. I had fun, but I always have fun with Finn and my other mates when I hang out with them. It didn’t feel particularly special, I guess.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Rae! I know you were really looking forward to it,” Chloe replied in an attempt to comfort Rae.

“No need to apologize. I should actually be thanking you for helping me look at the date more realistically so I didn’t set my expectations too high just for me to get hurt.”

“Of course, babes. I just want the best for you, so I’ll always be here for you when you need me,” Chloe reached across to grab Rae’s hand where it rested on her leg and entwined their fingers together, “no matter what.”

Chloe lost count of how many movies they had watched—or even what movies they had watched—but before long, both she and Rae were tired and struggling to keep their eyes open.

“Do you wanna change into our pajamas now? I’m actually feeling pretty tired all of the sudden,” Chloe said as she stood from her bed and stretched her arms and legs that had grown stiff from sitting in the same position for too long.

“Yeah, that sounds good to me,” Rae replied with a smile as she stood from the bed and walked towards the denim backpack she had brought with her to grab more comfortable clothes to change into.

“Alright, you can change your clothes in here and I’ll change in the bathroom down the hall, to give you some privacy.” Chloe replied as she stepped out of her bedroom with her pajamas in-hand and gently shut her bedroom door behind her.

Chloe took her time changing into her soft, pale pink fleece shorts and matching cotton shirt and pulling her hair back into a loose messy bun before walking the short distance back to her bedroom.

She knocked gently on the door to make sure that Rae was dressed and she could enter the room, but when she did not hear a reply, she quietly cracked open the door.

When the door was only cracked open slightly, she could clearly see her mate in the middle of changing as she removed her leggings and folded them neatly before placing them into her denim backpack.

Logically, Chloe knew that she should shut the door or turn away—or do anything except what she was currently doing by staring at her mate through the cracked door as she changed—but Chloe felt like she was frozen and the hand that remained gripping the knob of her door was not moving.

Trying to remain as quiet as she could so as not to alert Rae of her presence, Chloe watched as Rae pulled on a pair of short black shorts that left almost all of her legs exposed in a way that Rae seldom felt comfortable enough let anyone see.

As Rae straightened out her slightly oversized band tee that was only slightly shorter than the shorts she wore, she turned slightly and looked over her shoulder towards the bedroom door that was still cracked open.

“Oh, uh, sorry Rae! Is it alright if I come in now or are ya still changing?” Chloe asked nervously when she knew that she had just been caught.

“No, you can come inside. I don’t mind,” Rae replied with a smirk.

Chloe walked inside and removed the jewelry that she had been wearing that day and placed it on her vanity, trying to give herself something to do to keep herself busy because she was still feeling awkward about peeping on her best mate while she changed.

“Chloe,” Rae sing-songed from behind Chloe, causing her to look over her shoulder.

When Chloe looked back, she saw Rae laying on her side on Chloe’s bed with one arm propping her head up near the pillows and the other arm draped delicately along her side as she idly ran her hand along the line of her hip.

“Yeah, Rae?” Chloe stuttered out.

Why am I feeling so nervous all of the sudden? And why are my thoughts so incoherent right now?

“Come join me,” Rae said as she moved the hand that had been resting on her hip to pat the portion of Chloe’s bed that Rae was not currently occupying.

“Alright,” Chloe said as she switched on the small lamp beside her bed and turned off the other lights in her room using the switch on the wall—creating a much warmer, more gentle glow in the room.

Chloe climbed onto the bed and laid down on her back, leaving some space on the bed between her and Rae.

“So what did you end up doing last night instead of our girl’s night,” Rae asked conversationally, still laying on her side as she faced Chloe.

“Well...Archie and I met up at the pub for a drink,” Chloe said as she turned onto her side to mirror Rae, since laying on her back and just turning her face to speak to Rae was an uncomfortable position to maintain.

“Oh, that must have been fun! Was it just you two or did some other people meet you there as well?”

“It was just us two...Izzy and Chop had plans together as well. I guess it worked out because Archie and I could be pathetic and single together,” Chloe added with a quiet chuckle.

“Chlo! The two of you are anything but pathetic,” Rae chided gently.

“That may be so, but that doesn’t change the fact that we’re still the only ones from the gang that were alone and dateless last night,” Chloe added with a shrug.

“Don’t tell me you’re jealous, Chloe,” Rae began but continued when she noticed Chloe avert her eyes, “Babe, you have nothing to be jealous of. Based on my date with Finn, I don’t think that very much will come from it. And Izzy and Chop are part of the gang first, so they won’t forget about you. I could never forget about you either, Chloe, regardless of what boys there may be in either of our lives.”

“Thanks, Rae...It’s kind of funny to think that I might have been jealous that you and Finn were on a date last night.”

“Why is that funny to you?”

“Well, when I was talking to Archie and he said that I seemed like I was in a bad mood, he accused me of being jealous of you. When I assured him that I don’t think of Finn like that, he accused me of being jealous of Finn, because he was the one on a date with you,” Chloe replied with a small chuckle as she began absentmindedly inspecting her newly painted fingernails during the comfortable silence that was forming between them.

“Well, were you?” Rae asked quietly after a short stretch of silence had passed.

“Was I what?” Chloe replied just as quietly, as if speaking any louder would disturb the peaceful comfort that she was feeling as she laid in bed beside her best mate.

“Where you jealous of Finn because he was on a date with me?” Rae clarified.

“Oh,” Chloe looked up from her nails and noticed that Rae was looking directly at her, trying to read her reaction to the question as she waited for Chloe to respond.

“I don’t know...maybe a little bit,” Chloe muttered, unsure whether she wanted to look at Rae to gauge her reaction or look away out of embarrassment at what she had admitted out loud.

When Rae did not respond after a couple seconds, Chloe began to panic and began trying to figure out how to backtrack and take back what she had just said.

“I mean, I was just a bit jealous because we always hang out on Friday nights and he had plans with you instead and—” Chloe’s quiet rambling was cut off when Rae reached forward with one of her hands to brush a stray piece of hair behind Chloe’s ear and she gave Chloe a warm smile.

“Don’t worry, Chlo, you don’t have to explain yourself to me.” Rae reached forward in the space on the bed between their bodies and took Chloe’s hands in hers as she continued, “If I’m being honest as well, I would have much rather had been here, in your bed with you instead.”

Chloe was surprised to feel heart flutter slightly when Rae gave her a wink and began to ghost her finger tips over Chloe’s hand and wrist as the silence between them grew.

Chloe liked the feeling of Rae’s soft skin against her hands, perhaps a bit too much, but she still couldn’t bring herself to pull her hands away from Rae.

She continued watching Rae, unsure what else she could do or say for fear of disrupting Rae’s gentle caresses, and paid close attention to when Rae began humming quietly along to a melody that must have been playing within her head, a slight smile causing her lips to curve upward slightly.

Rae has such a pretty smile...so sweet, yet subtle, so you really need to know what to look for in order to notice the smile.

Such a pretty smile and such nice, plush, pink lips…

They look so soft. I wonder if they are as soft as they look...

When Chloe realized that she had gotten distracted staring at Rae’s lips and had even began angling her head the slightest bit closer to Rae, her cheeks tinted pink and she pulled her hands back from Rae, wrapping them around herself to try to hide and close herself off from the realization that she had allowed herself get carried away thinking about her best mate like that.

“Is everything alright?” Rae asked in a whisper and Chloe could feel the warmth of her breath on her cheek as she spoke, given their close proximity to each other.

“Yeah, I think I’m just tired. I’m gonna try going to sleep, I think…” Chloe mumbled.

“Alright. Good night, Chloe. Sweet dreams,” Rae reached forward and brushed a hand along Chloe’s cheek before tilting her head forward to place a small peck on Chloe’s cheek.

Rae pulled back after the brief kiss and gave Chloe a sweet smile, but Chloe was still too in shock from the kiss and the feeling of warmth that seemed to linger—as if Rae’s lips were still in direct contact with Chloe’s cheek—to return the smile.

Rae leaned her head forward yet again, biting her lower lip slightly and slowly glancing between Chloe’s lips and making direct eye contact with Chloe.

When Chloe gasped quietly, Rae chuckled under her breath and quirked an eyebrow up slightly, giving Chloe all of the power to make the next move.

What is Rae doing? Is this some kind of challenge?

Or...is it an invitation..?

Before Chloe could overthink things further, she felt herself subconsciously bring her face closer to Rae’s, closing the distance between them as their lips met in a shy, uncertain kiss.

Chloe pulled back almost immediately, but before she could stutter out the apology that she was trying to form within her head, Rae brought a hand up to Chloe’s cheek, coaxing her face closer to hers as Rae kissed Chloe this time. The kiss began just as gentle and shy as Chloe’s had been, but Rae deepened the kiss only a fraction when she noticed Chloe begin to relax into the kiss a bit more.

The kiss remained sweet and tender and Chloe began to feel more at-ease before long, so she allowed herself to actually enjoy the kiss.

In a sudden burst of confidence, Chloe drew back from the kiss slightly to gently nibble Rae’s lower lip and run her tongue across the spot before resuming the kiss as they had been before. To her surprise, this subtle action elicited a pleased sigh from Rae that made Chloe want to do anything she could to keep making Rae sigh like that.

As their kiss continued, Chloe and Rae continued shifting slightly closer to one another until they had removed nearly all the space between each other on the bed and their legs were slotted together as naturally as if they were meant to fit together.

Chloe brought her hands up to Rae’s face to caress her cheek before ultimately allowing her hand to linger in the back of Rae’s hair, gently pulling the two even closer as the kiss lost some of the initial sweetness and became more passionate.

Rae pulled her lips away from Chloe’s—causing her to pout slightly—and moved one of the hands that had been caressing Chloe’s cheek onto the bed on the opposite side of Chloe. With Chloe’s torso on the bed beneath Rae and Rae hovering over her for a moment when the pair both caught their breath, Rae leaned forward again, this time beginning to leave a trail of kisses along Chloe’s jaw and neck leading down towards the portion of her collarbone that was exposed by the neckline of her shirt.

Chloe sighed gently when Rae’s lips made contact with a spot just below her collarbone, surprising herself with the sounds she was making, but Rae took them as an invitation to explore further and to determine what other sounds she could pull from Chloe.

“Oh my god, Rae,” Chloe sighed as Rae found a particularly sensitive spot just below Chloe’s neck and proceeded to alternate between kissing and sucking gently at the soft skin.

Rae chuckled quietly against Chloe’s skin, taking Chloe’s response as a sign to keep going.

“Wait, Rae...holy shit! Please...stop for a second,” Chloe begged despite her desire for Rae to keep doing exactly what she was doing.

“What’s wrong, Chlo? Do you not like when I do this?” Rae asked quietly, giving Chloe a teasing kiss in the same spot.

“Fuck...no, I love it,” Chloe replied breathily as she tried to regain some semblance of composure in order to speak.

“What is it then?” Rae asked as she angled herself away from Chloe to give her a bit more space, despite her torso still being propped up above her.

“I just—uh...before this gets too far and we do something that we’ll regret later...what are we doing here, Rae?”

“We’re doing anything that you wanna, Chloe. I want you to enjoy yourself too,” Rae said as she leaned down to place a gentle kiss on Chloe’s lips before continuing, “so please tell me if you want me to stop or do something different. Or if you want more—”

“I want more,” Chloe said immediately.

“More of what? Tell me what you want, Chlo,” Rae said as she brought a hand to Chloe’s face and angled her head to look at her fully.

“I want you, Rae. I want...I want anything and everything that you’re willing to give me,” Chloe replied, surprising herself with the honesty of her statement.

“Alright, your wish is my command,” Rae replied as she leaned forward and resumed her exploration of Chloe’s neck and collarbone with her lips, avoiding the spot she knew would drive Chloe wild.

“Rae, stop teasing me! Please!” Chloe begged as she arched her back up off the bed and pressed her chest against Rae’s as Rae shifted her legs until she had a leg on each side of Chloe’s hips, straddling her as their lips met in a heated kiss that was nothing like the gentle, sweet kisses from before.

Rae’s lips returned to Chloe’s collarbone, finding Chloe’s favorite spot almost immediately, causing Chloe to gasp quietly as she wrapped her arms around Rae’s waist to pull her closer to her, desperate for any space between them to be gone.

Chloe continued panting as Rae kissed her neck and she began feeling her way up the soft skin of Rae’s back beneath her shirt, taking her time to reverently caress every part of Rae that her hands encountered on their path.

Chloe felt Rae’s hands drift down towards the hem of her shirt and begin to lift it slightly, and Chloe began to nod preemptively, in anticipation of the question she was likely going to ask.

“Chlo, Can I..?”

“Oh my god. Yes, please do…”

Rae grabbed the hem of Chloe’s shirt and slowly began to pull it over her head when Chloe pulled away from Rae and lifted her arms to make it easier for Rae, making sure to caress all of Chloe’s torso in its entirely.

Chloe was impatient and finished pulling the shirt over her head before tossing it across the room, not at all caring where it had ended up.

Rae raked her eyes across Chloe’s exposed torso as she laid beneath her on the bed wearing only a bra, lustily biting her lower lip as she appreciated the sight in front of her before leaning forward again to meet her lips with Chloe’s.

“Oh my god...you’re so amazing, Chloe.” Rae mumbled against Chloe’s lips between kisses.

During the heated kiss, Chloe brought her hands up to the smooth skin of Rae’s thighs and began to massage and caress every bit of exposed skin she could get her hands on as she worked her way up towards Rae’s hips.

Chloe panted between kisses, hands gripping wildly at Rae’s hips and thighs in an effort to keep touching her and desperately trying to catch her breath but unwilling to stop kissing Rae for longer than was absolutely necessary.

When Rae finally pulled away from the kiss and tuned to lay on her back beside Chloe on the bed to catch her breath, Chloe immediately climbed over Rae to straddle her hips and began kissing along Rae’s neck and collarbone, refusing to break contact with Rae in the heat of the moment.

“Hmm, yes…right there, Chloe,” Rae replied, still slightly out of breath, as Chloe’s kisses began to dip further below the neckline of Rae’s band tee.

Chloe smiled against Rae’s collarbone before continuing her alternating pattern of kissing and gently sucking on Rae’s perfect, pale pink skin, anticipating the scattered marks that her ministrations were likely to leave behind.

“Oh! Chloe!” Rae called out loudly as Chloe began kissing further down her body and one hand went to the back of Chloe’s hair to help steer her in the direction of where Rae wanted her most.

Chloe complied more than willingly and allowed Rae’s hand in her hair to guide her head lower until she was in the perfect spot to place gentle kisses on the inside of Rae’s thighs, making Rae’s other hand grip the sheets of Chloe’s bed tightly.

“Chloe!” Rae began panting in a prayer-like chant as Chloe continued kissing her inner thighs and worshiping the girl beneath her that was writhing in pleasure and anticipation.

“Chloe!”

“Chloe!”

***

“Chloe!”

Chloe’s eyes snapped open suddenly and she had to take a moment to look around her room and remember where she was.

Chloe sat up in her bed, flushed and thoroughly breathless from the dream she had been having, and her stomach dropped.

Wait...that was just a dream?

What happened between Rae and I...could I really have dreamt all of that?

It had all felt so real…

“Chloe Gemmell!” called a voice loudly from the opposite side of Chloe’s closed bedroom door followed by a loud knock.

“What, mum?” Chloe called through the closed door.

“I’ve been calling you name for ages! Did you really not hear me or are you just ignoring me? There’s someone on the phone for ya!”

“Oh, uh, sorry Mum. I must have been pretty deeply asleep. Who’s on the phone?”

“It’s Rae.”

As soon as Chloe’s mum said Rae’s name, Chloe’s stomach began to turn and a wave of nausea came over her.

“I’m not feeling so great, mum, and I don’t really feel like talking right now. Can you just tell her that I’m feeling ill or asleep or not here or something?”

“Are you and Rae fighting? Just the other day you two were inseparable and now you don’t wanna talk to her. I thought you two were best friends,”

Yeah...best friends…

But then again, a real best friend really wouldn’t dream about hooking up with their best friend.

Would they?

“No, we’re alright, mum. I’m just really not feeling well. Can ya at least tell her that I can give her a call back later? Please?”

“Alright, Chloe, I’ll tell her. If you’re not feeling well, I can bring you some tea. Do you want anything to eat with your tea?”

“Oh, no. I don’t need tea or food or anything, Mum. I honestly just want to be alone and I might try to go back to bed to sleep it off,”

Chloe’s mum hummed in acknowledgment from the other side of the door before walking down the hall.

When Chloe could hear her mum pick up the phone and explain to the person on the other line that Chloe was feeling ill and would try to call her back later, she sunk back down beneath the covers of her bed.

Why did I dream about that?

Rae is my best mate and I care about her…so why would my subconscious make me dream that Rae and I were more than just friends?

A quiet knock at the door signaled Chloe’s mum walking into the room with a mug of tea in one hand a small plate with toast and jam in the other.

“I think you’ll feel better if you have something in your stomach, so I just made you some tea and toast, but it’s better than nothing.”

“Thanks, mum,” Chloe replied as she took the offered tea and plate from her mum and set them on the small table beside her bed so she could sit upright on her bed.

Chloe’s mum took a seat at the foot of Chloe’s bed and looked at her daughter in concern.

“You really don’t look so well, Chloe. Your cheeks are flushed and you look like you may be running a fever or something. Were you feeling ill last night when you went out with your friend?”

“Not really, no. I think there is a flu going around at college, so I might have caught that,” Chloe explained, adding in a fake cough in an attempt to convince her mum.

“Okay, perhaps you’re right. Alright, I’ll let you rest now, dear. Let me know if you need anything,” Chloe’s mum said as she gave her daughter a kiss on the top of her head before leaving the bedroom and closing the door behind her.

As Chloe began sipping the tea and nibbling on the toast, her mind was racing with the same recurring question: Why?

Why did I dream about that?

Why does this dream bother me as much as it does?

And…

Why am I so upset that the dream was only just a dream?

A/N: So this short multi-chapter story explores the friendship dynamic between best friends when one friend thinks they might have a crush on the other. I’ve touched on it before with Archie/Finn so I thought it was only fair to tackle it from the perspective of Chloe/Rae as well.This story sort of takes place around the start of S2 and you can see some subtle and not-so-subtle references to early S2 events, but I took a lot of creative liberties when writing this story as well haha.

I drew a lot on my own personal experiences because I’ve had crushes on so many female friends and it’s caused heaps of trouble for me. I’ve also had my share of inexplicable sex dreams involving people I’ve never thought about that way before and I’m always so confused and shocked, so yeah...I put a lot of myself in this story hahah.

I was also inspired to write this story by a song called Sleepover by Hayley Kiyoko. If you’ve never heard the song and wanna check out a talented pop artist that almost exclusively sings about her love for women and being shamelessly lesbian, then feel free to click the link and give it a listen. (Hayley Kiyoko is also highkey the love of my life and I got to see her perform live in concert back in August and she’s so cute and beautiful and talented and amazing and the entire time she was performing my heart and brain were just screaming “jfc Sarah!! You are very gay! You are oh so very gay!! GAAAYYYY!!! So so so so gay and you are especially gay for Hayley Kiyoko” so who am I to argue with both my brain and my heart when they are in agreeance like that!?! Lol)

I know what you all must be thinking “GASP, two stories posted within the span of only about a week?!?!? That’s so unlike you, Sarah!” And you sort of have a point, haha…I was gonna post this soon, but not necessarily this soon. Lucky for you all (but unlucky for me), I got incredibly sick last week and hardly left my bed at all for a few days because I felt like I had the plague and I was taking large quantities of cold medication. All of that means that I had a lot of extra time for writing in-between taking naps, drinking large quantities of tea, coughing my lungs out, and wishing for the sweet embrace of Death to finally take me rather than spending another day sneezing and coughing constantly. (Okay, I will admit, I am being just a touch dramatic, but still…being sick is no fun.)

As I mentioned, I have most of this entire story written and I just need to edit and put final touches on the next few chapters, but I can say with a decent amount of certainty that this story will not take me over a month to update hahaha…Anyways, until next time: Stay awesome, my friends! :)

[junker-town]

Everything you need to know about Antonio Brown’s long, strange journey to the Patriots

Three different teams. Two frostbitten feet. One banned helmet.

Antonio Brown had one of the most incredible offseasons in NFL history. I chose that word “incredible” carefully, because as the dust settles he’s either one of the biggest geniuses in football, or a dastardly villain — and which one depends on your perspective.

Pejoratives aside, this was a year of changing teams, frostbitten feet, uproar over a banned helmet, potentially illegal recordings, arguments with management. Each one enough of a story that if it was ascribed different players they would make headlines in their own right, and yet Brown found a way to possess every single one of these stories in a six month span.

November 2018 - March 2019: It all started in Pittsburgh.

The Steelers were on the verge of transitioning to younger players. Le’Veon Bell sat out the year after refusing to sign his franchise tag, opening the door for James Conner. Antonio Brown was the lock to be the team’s No. 1 receiver entering 2018, but he watched as promising rookie JuJu Smith-Schuster stepped up and showed potential that he could be the team’s new star at the position.

Brown was still getting the lion’s share of targets and opportunities from Ben Roethlisberger, but reported years of frustration boiled over entering the final week of the season.

Brown felt as though he was routinely blamed when the Steelers lost, especially by Roethlisberger. This reached a tipping point on Nov. 25, 2018, following a loss to Denver. It was the team’s third loss in a row, essentially killing their chances to make the playoffs — and Roethlisberger publicly blamed Brown’s route running for the loss. The quarterback would later apologize for his actions on local radio, saying:

“I genuinely feel bad about that and I’m sorry. Did I go too far after that Denver game? Probably.”

Brown and Roethlisberger allegedly got into an altercation during practice, and Brown refused to play in the last game of the season with the Steelers still having a chance to make the playoffs. It incensed management and fans enough that it was unclear whether the relationship could be repaired. Brown requested a trade following the season.

March 9, 2019: Enter Oakland.

After a bizarre 24 hours where it looked like Brown might head to the Bills, it was finally Oakland who pulled the trigger on a trade

The Raiders, who had been shuffling deck chairs on their Titanic since Jon Gruden’s arrival, were in dire need of a No. 1 receiver. The trade-happy front office sent Amari Cooper to the Cowboys in a surprising midseason deal, ratcheting up the pressure on finding someone other than tight end Jared Cook and receiver Jordy Nelson to throw the ball to. Knowing Cook was entering free agency and Nelson would be 33 years old at the start of the 2019 season, the Raiders traded a third and fifth-round pick for Brown, which at the time was seen as a steal for the seven-time All Pro.

Brown arrived in Oakland saying all the right things at his introductory press conference:

“I’m here to elevate everything around me. I’m here to just be a surge of energy, of positivity, and good force. A great teammate and to bring out the best of everyone around me cause we all know it’s not just about me.”

It seemed like a match made in heaven, then things started going wrong.

July 26 - August 3: Missed practices, burnt feet.

The Raiders opened training camp on July 26, but Brown was noticeably absent. He was placed on the non-football injury list to open camp, with very little being known about why Brown wasn’t able to participate.

Then Brown posted on Aug. 3 that his feet had been severely frostbitten after failing to wear proper footwear during a cryotherapy session.

via @ab, Instagram

Brown’s feet looked bad, but the Raiders downplayed the severity of the injury. Brown saw a specialist, and by all accounts would be fine by the start of the season.

August 9 - September 4: From toe, to head.

Brown had a new gripe with the league less than a week after his foot injury was revealed. On Aug. 9, Brown filed a grievance against the NFL for not allowing him to wear his preferred helmet, a Schutt Air Advantage he had been using since his rookie season, due to safety concerns.

Brown refused to practice without his helmet and continued to fight the NFL to allow him to wear it. He tried finding the same model manufactured later in the hopes it would pass NFL testing, but that failed too. Brown filed a second grievance, which once again failed.

The Raiders were supportive of Brown’s grievance, standing behind the receiver in his cases against the NFL — but finally acknowledged that there wasn’t anything that could be done. Shortly after Brown announced he found a new helmet for the 2019 season, which came with a fresh new endorsement deal.

Xenith is excited to announce Antonio Brown has chosen to wear Xenith Shadow this season. When you’re the quickest receiver on the field, you need a helmet that can keep up. Read more about why AB chose Xenith Shadow at the link below. #XenithIsBOOMINhttps://t.co/okPWeoDU2m pic.twitter.com/bNLlZvZYLi

— Xenith (@XenithFootball) September 4, 2019

With a new helmet and his feet healed, Brown returned to the field and began practicing with the Raiders. But you know this story isn’t over yet — not by a long shot.

September 4 - September 6: Big fines, alleged slurs, heartfelt apologies and secret recordings.

It seemed that everything was set and the drama was finally over. Gruden said Brown was “all-in” and announced he would be starting on Monday Night Football to open the Raiders’ season. Fans would get to see the player they’d been waiting on for six months.

Then Brown received a letter from general manager Mike Mayock, detailing that he would be fined for missing an Aug. 22 walkthrough, in addition to several practices. Brown quickly posted the letter on Instagram.

Antonio Brown posts his displeasure with fines from #Raiders pic.twitter.com/0OMhdwFu7K

— Vic Tafur (@VicTafur) September 4, 2019

On Sept. 5, everything blew up. Brown allegedly confronted Mayock over the fines during practice, reportedly yelling at the GM and calling him a “cracker,” which Brown later denied.

Brown walked off the field allegedly saying “fine me for that,” and the possibility of being suspended by the team loomed. Suddenly the football world were asking whether the Raiders could actually cut Antonio Brown, their prize offensive player, just days before the 2019 season began?

On Sept. 6, Brown returned to the team and gave an emotional apology, which reportedly won his teammates back. ESPN’s Josina Anderson said the team captains stood with Brown, and Gruden was allegedly satisfied with the apology and expected to play Brown on Week 1. No suspension was handed down for the altercation with Mayock.

Seemingly everything was over and the beef was squashed — and then hours later, Brown posted this video.

The video, designed to tell his side of the story, featured a recorded phone conversation with Gruden. If it was recorded without Gruden’s knowledge it would have been illegal in the state of California. It presented Brown as misunderstood, with Gruden echoing this statement and asking him to just come and play football. The coach also questioned whether he wanted to be a Raider, which Brown confirmed, while also asking if the team wanted him.

Despite all this Gruden was still excited to have Brown on the team and still planned on playing him.

“Antonio is back today,” Gruden said. “We’re really excited about that. Ready to move on. He’s had a lot of, obviously, time to think about things. We’re happy to have him back, and I know Raider Nation is excited about that, too.”

September 7: The end.

It’s unclear exactly what happened between Friday and Saturday, but it’s a moot point. Mike Mayock reportedly told Antonio Brown they were rescinding his $30.1M of guaranteed money for conduct detrimental to the team, which prompted Brown to say he wasn’t going to play for the team and demand his release.

Shortly before noon the team announced it was releasing Antonio Brown.

The Raiders have released WR Antonio Brown from the team today.

— Oakland Raiders (@Raiders) September 7, 2019

Also September 7: The inevitable conclusion.

An immensely talented player with a penchant for being difficult to work with has just hit free agency 24 hours before the start of the NFL season. Which team could possibly be willing to take a risk like that?

Yup, the Patriots.

Antonio Brown and the Patriots reached agreement on a 1-year deal worth up $15 million that includes a $9 million signing bonus, per source.

— Adam Schefter (@AdamSchefter) September 7, 2019

Brown wasn’t signed in time to suit up on Sunday Night Football, which hilariously enogh is against the Steelers.

Was this all engineered?

Now we get to the sticky part of all this, and back to the part where I said Brown could be “one of the biggest geniuses in football.”

The Patriots have reportedly wanted Antonio Brown all along. They allegedly approached the Steelers about a trade back in February, but Pittsburgh rejected it. Now the defending Super Bowl champs have their guy, and this wasn’t on a league-minimum outreach deal the team normally does.

The appeal here is obvious. The Raiders were never going to be good, even with Antonio Brown. The Patriots are the Patriots, and the only accolade missing for Brown is a Super Bowl ring.

Yes, Brown surrendered $30.1M in guaranteed money from the Raiders — but his contract was for five years. In fact, Brown was set to make $14.6M this season in Oakland, and now he’s making $15M in New England.

Antonio Brown sought advice from social media consultants on how he could accelerate his release from the Raiders, accoring to @mortreport. pic.twitter.com/lXBQmxOB4Z

— NFL on ESPN (@ESPNNFL) September 8, 2019

It’s a risky deal to be sure, but if Brown puts up another 1,200+ yard season he will likely be re-signed to a much larger deal than the one he was under in Oakland. Furthermore, the entire helmet controversy resulted in a new endorsement deal.

Look, I know we’re crossing into conspiracy theory territory here. The most plausible situation is that Brown really had every intention of playing in Oakland and a series of events led to the relationship no longer being tenable.

However, there’s a chance, no matter how small, that all of this — the feet, the helmet, the recorded conversations and fights, were all an engineered scenario to get Brown to the team who wanted him in the first place. The rapidity in which the Patriots jumped on signing Brown, with precisely the right amount of salary cap room to pay him (almost) equally to what the Raiders were giving him is one heck of a lovely coincidence.

If Brown really consulted with experts on how to get himself cut as soon as possible, then you have to imagine he had an inkling a deal would be waiting around the corner. It would also explain why he went from apologizing to his teammates to asking for his release in the span of 24 hours.

All we know for sure is that this is one of the weirdest offseasons ever, with the most bizarre set of circumstances, with the most twists and turns. It could be years before we every get to know the full story of how all this went down.

[p-artsypants]

320 State Street- 1 (April)

AO3 | FF.net

I don’t usually post new stories when I don’t have a couple of chapters done, but I’ve really excited about this one. I started planning it way back around Infernal Responsibility in 2015. Since then, the story has changed in little ways and I went through a little Miraculous Ladybug and Kingdom Hearts phase. But now I’m back and ready to rock! I hope you all enjoy my Modern AU.

—

Based on actual events.

—

“Can I help you?”

Astrid had entered the hardware store on a whim. 320 State Street, Gobber’s Goods, run by a master Jack-of-All-Trades. Located in the Times Square of the little twin city area, but looked like you’d find it out in the middle of nowhere. Cement statues and garden decorations stood watch outside. All other trendy, organized, high trafficked stores had come and gone, but Gobber’s Goods had remained steadfast and unchanging. Well, at some point, someone re-painted the sign. It was rumored the store carried everything you could think of, despite it’s small size. And if you went in, you’d find exactly what you’d need.

Well, Astrid needed a job, and the sign in the window advertised there was one available.  

The young cashier drummed his fingers on the side of the register. His extremely green eyes were only magnified by his club master glasses. He might have been really attractive, if his nose wasn’t so huge. His russet hair laid lightly tussled on his head as he continued to smile at her.

“Uh…” she distractedly looked around the shop, taking in the absolute chaos and clutter.

“It’s…a little crazy in here,” he admitted, “is there something you need? There’s some method to Gobber’s madness, I’m sure we could figure it out.”

Crazy was an understatement. Only a little sunlight spilled in from the poster covered windows, showing dust floating in the air. The fattest cat she’d ever seen was laying on a shelf, enjoying the sun. Vintage ads and signs hung from the ceiling. There was only a few lights, and they flickered here and there. The wooden floorboards creaked with each step. A refrigerator with glass bottle pop sat by the door, while a fridge of bait next to it. Shelves filled with unmarked, rusted cans and dusty tools lined aisle after aisle. Behind the cashier, the wall was lined with hundreds of little drawers. The store was bigger inside than first glance.

Astrid was very much regretting her decision to apply, but her desperation spoke for her as she stated, “application.”

The cashier smiled wider, showing his braces. “We don’t have applications, but my boss is here and he can interview you now, if you have time.”

“Uh, yeah, that’ll work.”

“Cool, let me just…uh…” he reached over, grabbed a radio, and hit a button. “Hey Boss, there’s a girl here interested in the job.”

There was silence for a long time before a voice spoke back. “Is she cute?”

The cashier blushed. “Gobber!”

“I’ll be out in a sec! Be cordial!”

The cashier rolled his eyes and dropped the radio to the glass counter. “So…you must be pretty desperate to apply here.”

She grimaced. “I mean, you aren’t wrong, but is it that bad?”

“No, not at all.” He leaned forward on his elbows, “I love working here. It’s just…everyone assumes its awful because the place is a dump.”

“It’s…got character.” She supplied. A light blinked out. “This is actually the first time I’ve been in here. It’s not often I have to buy…repair stuff,” then she whispered, “I usually go to Ace Hardware.”

The cashier snickered. “Don’t say that too loud around Gobber, he’ll tell you all about their terrible merchandise.”

Astrid looked at the shelves of dilapidated junk. “Sounds pretty hypocritical.”

“You should have seen the place before I got here.”

“Oh?”

Before he could continue his story, a goat looking man hobbled out. His stomach hanging out over his belt and his mustache dangling down by his nipples. He stood on a wooden peg leg while his hook hand scratched his fat red nose. “So! You want a job, ey?”

“I regret everything.” She muttered.

"Let's talk.” From behind the counter, he pulled out two high chairs and beckoned her to sit. The cashier went to make himself busy, but the owner steadied him. “You get just as much in a say in this hire as I do, since you’ll be training her.”

The boy couldn’t argue with that.

“So, Lass, why do you wanna work fer me?"

He spoke with an accent. Irish? She couldn’t tell. “Well, to be honest, Mr.—..."

"Gobber. Owner of this fine establishment.”  

"Uh, Gobber, right. Well, to be honest, I just need a job, and my friend recommended it."

"Who's yer friend?"

"Gladius Thorenson, you employ her brother Mortice?"

"Tuff! Ah, good lad.” He nodded. “Alright, I only have a few questions.”

“Shoot.”

“Do you have any psychotic tendencies?"

"What? No!"

"Disabilities?"

"No."

"Drug addiction?"

"Nope."

"Criminal history?"

"No sir."

"Well, then why on earth do you want a job here?"

She sighed. "I...I got fired from Bath and Body Works a few weeks ago, because of a cruel customer. I am desperate for a job, and no one is hiring."

"Ah, I see...shopaholic then?"

She actually laughed. "No, it's my dad."

“Ah, I see! You’re hired.”

"Wait? Really?! Don’t you need to see any references? Blood tests? Skill sets? To consider the candidates over two weeks before you call me back?”

“You know Tuff and his sister, Ruff. That’s good enough for me. Besides, there were no other candidates, and that sign has been in the window for two weeks. When can you start?"

Right now, She thought earnestly. "As soon as you need me to?"

“Great! Let’s talk about your schedule Miss…Oh good grief! I was so excited to get a pretty girl on my team I forgot to ask your name!”

“I’m Astrid, Astrid Hofferson.”

“Astrid! What a lovely name!” He turned to the cashier. “Don’t you think so Hiccup?”

In turn, Hiccup blushed, “What are you trying to do, flirt for me?”

“If you think so, then sure!”

The boy rolled his eyes and looked at her, “I’m Henry Haddock, but everyone calls me Hiccup.”

“…why?” She asked, hesitantly.

“Tuff likes to come up with nicknames. I just kind of roll with it.”

She nodded in understanding.

“Well,” Gobber began, with a schedule in hand. “What I like to do, is have a cashier, a stocker, and a delivery driver working at the same time, so if something happens, there’s at least one person in the store. Depending on when you can work, I’ll figure out the team. So, when can you work?”

“I have class Monday through Wednesday until 12. Thursdays and Fridays I have clinicals at the hospital until 4. Weekends are totally free.”

“Med student?”

“Nursing,” She smiled.

He looked at his hand, “We could definitely use a nursing student.”

Astrid just stared wide-eyed.

“I’m just kidding, I lost this years ago. Reached into a wood chipper to get a rock that fell in, and when I pulled it out…” He made a grinding sound.

She shuttered heavily. “What about your leg?”

“Landmine in Vietnam.”

She hummed in understanding.

“How many hours are you thinking?”

“As many as I can get.”

“Great! So let’s see…” He studied the sheet. “Why don’t you pick out a soda from the fridge while I figure this out? My treat!”

“Oh, thanks!” She smiled. “What’s good?”

Hiccup replied back, “Might I suggest ‘Rat Bastard’ Root Beer? It’s pungent with a hint of Vanilla.”

She found the bottle and allowed him to pop the cap with an opener. One swig and she was pleased, “pungent, with a hint of vanilla. You weren’t kidding.”

Gobber looked up. “I’ll have you work 2 to close Monday through Wednesday with Hiccup. We close at 8. Thursdays and I can have you on from 5-close. And then Saturday morning—no wait, evening, 12-5, we close early on Saturdays. Mildew works mornings and I don’t want you working with him.”

“Mildew? Seriously, what’s up with these names?”

Gobber continued. “We’re closed on Sundays and most Holidays. But that gives you about thirty hours. Think you can handle it?”

“I was actually hoping for more…but if that’s all you have, I’ll take it. It’s minimum wage, right?”

“For a little while, but if you show up on time, are pleasant and do something, there’s a chance for a 50 cent raise in the first month, and then once a year after that.”

Hiccup added, “Everyone but Tuff has gotten a raise. It’s not that hard.”

She chuckled, “Knowing Tuff, he’s close to being fired.”

“One day…” Gobber lamented. “Well, I think I’ve overloaded your brain for today. So, tomorrow is Wednesday. Are you ready to start?”

“2 O’clock? I’ll be here!”

“I’ll be on a job until 5, so Hiccup here will take care of you.”

She grinned, “I’m looking forward to it.”

“Oh!” The man snapped, “there’s one more important thing I forgot.”

“Oh yeah, the tax forms.” Astrid confirmed.

Hiccup snickered, “Tax forms…”

“What? No no, we’ll do that later.” Gobber assured, “more importantly, we need to figure out what role you would have in viking society.”

Her brows furrowed, “Uh…what?”

“It’s simple, in order for us to get along, we must all have a role. You’ll have conflicts if there’s two Blacksmiths or Shepards.”

“I thought I was a cashier? Or a stocker?”

Hiccup nodded, “you’re a cashier, this is just a…store management thing.”

“Oh.”

“Now I,” declared the boss, “am obviously…what?”

“Uh…the chief?”

“No! The Blacksmith! Geez…”

“Okay, you fix stuff, so you’re the Blacksmith, I got it.”

“Now, Mildew is the farmer.”

“…because he’s a stocker?” She confirmed.

Gobber paused, “Well, yeah, that makes sense, but he also has 18 cats.”

She threw up a little bit in her mouth.

“Bucket and Mulch are the fishermen.”

“Okay, hold on, I thought you just said there couldn’t be duplicates.”  

Hiccup answered, “Those two have to work together…Bucket needs help. He can’t drive, but he’s really strong. So he’s great for deliveries.”

“Oh, I see. Continue.”

“Tuff is the village idiot.”

“Makes sense.”

“And Hiccup here is the Prince.”

Hiccup pinched the bridge of his nose, “There’s no princes in Norse Mythology.”

“Well, he’s the closest thing to Chief we have, but he’s not the Chief. While I do the hiring, firing, schedules…and all that stuff, Hiccup manages the store.”

Astrid looked around, “… so I see…”

Hiccup looked at her flatly, “I don’t get a lot of time to organize if I’m always watching the register.”

“Which is why we hired you, lass!” Gobber intervened.

“Oh, okay. Yeah, that makes sense.” She processed all that had been said. “Is there a Chief?”

“Uh…” Gobber scrunched up his nose. “My business partner Alvin is probably the Chief, though it’s unspoken.”

Hiccup frowned. “If you’re lucky, you’ll never have to meet him.” Then he whispered, “he’s got anger issues.”

“But he knows how to balance the books! He’s the shrewdest man to walk this earth, but I’ll be damned if he didn’t keep us in business!”

“Shieldmaiden.” Astrid stated.

“What?” The men asked in unison.

“Well, someone has to be the warrior, the one that rallies the moral of the team, the one to protect the village…or else you’re subject to invasion. So, I want to be the Shieldmaiden.”

“I was thinking you’d say healer, you know…nursing student?” Hiccup shrugged.

She smiled and replied, “Who said I can’t be both?”

Gobber snickered at Hiccup. “I like her.”

“So, Shieldmaiden,” began Hiccup, “You still want to work here, even with all this craziness?”

She looked fondly at the clutter and chaos and answered, resolute, “I think crazy is just the thing I could use right now.”

—

Gladius, known respectfully by her peers as Ruff, sat at a high table in the far back of the room.

"D'ya get it?"

"Yeah," Astrid said, taking her seat, a near empty bottle of root beer and soup in hand. "Thanks for the idea. You should have seen the guy's face when I asked.“

"Who? The cute freckled one with the Ray Bans?"

"Yeah, sure. Anyways, the look was of sheer delight. ”

“Oh, of course. He wasn’t expecting to get a 10 like you.“

"What?"

"Well, most of the workers there have some sort of problem, i.e. disability.”

“And your brother?”

“He’s just stupid!” Ruff laughed. “So, you’re still going in tomorrow?”

“I got hired on the spot! I’ve applied at every establishment on this side of the river and no one called me back. And I got thirty hours with the promise of a raise. I can’t imagine anything better.”

"Thanks Michigan, for the highest unemployment rate..." Ruff muttered snidely.

"I just hope the work is worth the pay. Remember at B&B when they made me manager but continued paying minimum wage?“ She muttered.

“You have the worst luck, girlfriend. The worst.”

“Debatably. I have a house—“

“That you share with a psycho.”

“I have a job.”

“Now.”

“And I’m going to school.”

“For the worst reason…”

“I’m in the top ten percent. I’m not going to ask for more.”

"Maybe you'll get to work with Mr. Hottie Cashier." Ruff wiggled her eyebrows.

Astrid glanced at her, but then looked back to her soup. "He seems nice, but you can't judge a person on his looks."

"I thought you liked the nerdy looking guys."

"Forget it Ruff, not interested."

"Who knows? And come on! You should ask him out!"

"Drop it Ruff."

"Give me one good reason!"

Astrid glanced up and stated outright. "Scott."

Ruff deflated. "That's a reason. Sometimes I forget you even have a boyfriend."

Astrid ignored her friend and finished her soup.

"I mean, you never talk about him. I never see him, the only evidence that he exists is—..."

“Let’s talk about something else?”

“Like what? All you ever talk about nowadays is your crazy roommate and your extremely exhausting classes.”

“I’m busy, okay? How about you? Weren’t you dating that one guy? Mr. Bulging Pecs?”

Ruff got a dreamy look on her face. “Erik Erikson…the man of my dreams.”

“So…that’s a yes then?”

“I might have fibbed a little about our whole dating thing.”

Astrid pushed her bowl out of the way and leaned in on her elbows. “What did you do?”

“I may have spied on him from a tree, and he may have caught me, and he may have filed for a restraining order.”  

The attention of the every patron in the cafe was on Astrid in a second as she started screaming with laughter. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” She gasped out between guffaws.

“It’s not that funny.”

“You said that I had bad luck!”

“Well, he hasn’t gotten the restraining order yet, so I’m going to apologize and then we’re going to fall in love and have beautiful babies.”

“Ruff, you a your brother lead the craziest lives ever.”

“Interesting. Most interesting lives.”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night.” Astrid downed the rest of her soda. “Hey, I have to get going, I have a Psychology paper I have to finish.”

“Gross.”

“You know, I wish I had gotten this job sooner, since we’re studying the traumatic effects of amputation on the human body, and my new boss is a double amputee.”

“Blah blah science, blah blah health.”

Astrid narrowed her eyes as she put on her coat. “Remind me why we’re friends.”

“Like you said, I lead an interesting life.”

“Well,” She picked up her empty bowl. “Soon, I’ll have other stories to tell you, instead of medical horrors.”

Ruff rolled her eyes, “hurray, more bad customer stories.”

[jonasmaurer]

Looking back on 2019 + my goals for 2020

Hi friends! I hope you’re enjoying the new decade so far. What are you up to today? I’m going to get in an arms workout at the gym and start blasting through my editorial calendar for the new year. I have my new planner ready to go (major nerd vibes because new planners make me oddly excited) and am pumped to get content ideas together. Thank you again to those of you who took this year’s blog survey!

I thought I’d share a little look back on the past year and my goals for the upcoming year. I’d love to hear about a highlight from your 2019 and any goals you’re going after this year!

Here are some of the major highlights from 2019:

– The Pilot came home after a 7-month deployment! He immediately was hired by the airlines, which I’ll share a bit more about below

– I attended my first Beautycounter conference (and we saw Michael Buble that weekend! AMAAAAZING)

– I launched HIIT Bootcamp

– Baby August was born! I love this little guy so much. 

– We explored Vancouver and took our first Disney cruise to Alaska

– I got to meet up with Julie and Anne at the NOW Foods trip to Chicago

– We went to San Diego for the 4th of July

– I launched my first pair of leggings with Four Athletics

– We got two guinea pigs, Donut and Lollipop, and we love them

– Did a couple of Phoenix staycations (like the opening weekend of Great Wolf Lodge Scottsdale)

– Went back to San Diego and Disney for a fall trip

– I turned 35 (AH)

– I took Liv to NYC for her first time! We saw Frozen, Wicked, Aladdin, went ice skating at Bryant Park and ate the best pizza

– We celebrated our second year of holidays back in Tucson partying with the fam, but the Pilot was out of town

2019 ended up being a challenging year for me. It was studded with more beautiful memories than difficult, but I thought/hoped this year was going to be a bit of a “reset” and much-needed reprieve from the stress and tireless effort of the Pilot’s deployment. As it turns out, it became another solid year of trying to keep my head above water. See, the Pilot spent the down time of his deployment refining his airline applications and preparing for potential interviews, so when he got home, he immediately got his medical stuff updated and put in his apps while he finished separating from the active duty military. While everyone would’ve loved a little bit more of a break just living our normal lives here, there was no telling how long it would take to hear back from a major airline. As luck with have it, the Pilot had interviews lined up (and was hired) shortly after settling back into Tucson. Of course, for him, that meant traveling for a months of training and jumping into the first year’s schedule with both feet. For me, that meant an immediate return to being the full-time caretaker for the girls while also running a business from home. I absolutely love being with our babies and feel so thankful that I’m the one here and not away, but at the same time, you always have to be “on.” I also felt a lot of pressure from financially supporting the fam and keeping things afloat during the first year. I know it’s not always going to be like this, but for now, I just know it’s my time to hustle and I’m running with it. 

As far as the airlines go, I know I’m venting a lot here, but we do love the Pilot’s new job and his company, We couldn’t be more thankful to have the security of a great second career, and we expected an intense first year paying our dues, but it’s been tough. I feel more used to him being gone than here. Sometimes it’s very lonely, which is why I feel so happy we’re near the family and also to connect with all of you. 

I’ll definitely be ok if 2020 is a more low-key year than 2019. I have some goals set, but am trying to reduce some of the pressure I put on myself. I’m looking at these goals as concepts I’d love to work towards, but if they don’t all happen this year, that’s ok. Mostly I was to emphasize creating time for the things that make me feel fulfilled, and spending time together as a family of 4 whenever possible.  

Health and fitness:

– Continue to follow my gallbladder protocol so I have a good ultrasound in February. This protocol is totally self-imposed and I haven’t written about it in detail because I’m not a medical professional and I have no clue if it’s actually working. My next ultrasound is in February and if the polyps have grown, they want to take out my gallbladder. I can’t go into the ultrasound without doing everything in my power to have an awesome result. Obviously a lot of it is out of my control, but I’m all about taking every step I possibly can. I really, really don’t want to have another surgery for a very long time so I’m crossing my fingers that I can keep my gallbladder. 

– Stay consistent with my current routine. I feel like I’ve hit a stride with my workout routine and love the mix of classes I’m currently taking. Each week, it’s a mix of Orangetheory, Telos (CrossFit-ish), barre, hot yoga, Peloton, outdoor hikes, and Les Mills On Demand workouts I’ll do at home. It’sfun to mix it up depending on what I’m subbing and how I feel that week. Nutrition-wise, I stopped counting macros a while ago (I feel like it was too much for my gallbladder to eat when I wasn’t actually hungry) and am just trying to get in protein, produce, whole grains, healthy fats, and lots of water. 

Family:

Make it through the first year of airlines (and I’m not even the person flying the planes lol). Whooooaaaaaa we’re halfway there. We’re definitely having a party when we hit 2nd year!

Keep supporting our babies in any way possible. I just love them so much and want them to know I’m always their advocate.

Really start to figure out a budget and long-term plans. This is something we’re going to work on for the following year, especially since we have some big long-term financial goals. I guess I’ll dust off my old Excel skills and get a spreadsheet together. 

Focus on things that fulfill my soul:

– Audition for choir (again). You guys know the choir audition I bombed? I’m going for it again. If it doesn’t work out, there are a few other local options to explore. I think that singing again would make my heart happy and a choir feels like a safe bet. 

– Join a volunteer organization. I always say I want to volunteer more and end up feeling overwhelmed with options and don’t end up doing it as often as I’d like. We’re going to be joining a specific organization that has requirements and I’m excited because the Pilot and I are going to do it together, and will also be held accountable.

– Reading every night before bed. I enjoy it so much and sleep better when I read for even 15-20 minutes before crashing. 

– Meditate at some point each morning. I’ve been using the Calm app and love it! My tips for starting a meditation practice are here. 

– Make time to hang out with friends and other couples. We’re at a point in life where it can be tough to get together with friends. I was doing a cooking club here in Tucson, but after a couple of months, no one could make it because everyone is shuffling kids to dance class and sports practice/games. I’ve found that with young kiddos and such a busy schedule, you won’t hang out with friends if you don’t make the time and concrete plans. (Instead of “Let’s meet up this week!” it has to be something like, “Do you want to grab breakfast at 10 on Friday?”) Since I work from home and the Pilot is gone a lot, I feel a bit more sane and happy when I have time to meet up with friends.

Pick up some regular fitness classes to teach. I’ve been subbing classes at a couple of studios, but didn’t take any of my own classes mostly because of childcare. I put it out to the universe (= Facebook) that I wanted to start teaching a couple of my own classes in the new year and was offered a HIIT class where I’m subbing that will start in February. I’m excited to be teaching more regularly again!

Continue therapy. I started seeing an incredible therapist the morning my grandfather passed away. I had made the appointment over a month in advance and figured I couldn’t cancel it, because if you ever needed a therapy appointment, that would be the day you should take one. So I went, and sat in her office and sobbed for 30 minutes. She told me that her office loved tears and I needed to truly feel everything I was feeling, and since then, she’s wrapped me in so much kindness and compassion. She’s become an extremely valued member of my tribe and even though I only see her every couple of weeks, it’s changed my life. It’s helped so much with my anxiety and my relationships, and if you are on the fence about therapy in the New Year, do it. It’s so worth it. 

Travel: 

– Traveling is one of my very favorite things, so I’m hoping for more in 2020! It gives us a chance to fully be present and enjoy time with each other while exploring a new, or beloved place. We have a cruise planned already (YEAHHH) and I’m also hoping we can start planning our next Italy trip. 

Professional:

– Finally find time to focus on SEO. It’s a wonder that my blog has survived this long considering that I know nothing about SEO. I’ve picked up a couple of tips over the past couple of years but I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m going to take a course and also am looking to hire an SEO expert to help me update old posts that are performing well. 

– Hire an editorial assistant. I have a couple of amazing team members who help behind-the-scenes with Pinterest, editing (not this post since I’m writing it the night before it goes live so sorry for the typos…), and Beautycounter. I’m looking for someone local who can help with filming/editing and kitchen days so I can post more recipes in the new year. 

– Update the podcast more consistently and focus on producing video content more consistently. 

– Work on opening my own studio. It may be next year, it may be 5 years from now, but it’s a huge goal of mine. 

– Run more online challenges through the blog. HIIT Bootcamp was so much fun (we’re going to do another one towards the end of January!) and I’d love to create more video packs with full calendars to follow. 

– Hit Senior Director with Beautycounter. Beautycounter has become one of the best things I’ve added to my business, especially because it’s given me the opportunity to connect with some many incredible friends and women, while creating an additional income stream. I’d love to hit Senior Director this year! You can read more about what it’s like being a Beautycounter consultant here. 

– Finish my second book! I signed my second book deal in December and I’m so excited to get this one out into the world! I’ll share more details when I can, but it’s geared more towards my beginner friends who are just getting started. 

If you made it to the end of this post, here’s a high five because this was a long one! 

Thank you so much for being here with me on the crazy 2019 ride. Thank you for being here and being so amazing. I can’t help but feel like I dropped the ball a bit this year (especially on the podcast and posting as much as I’d like) but I have a feeling that 2020 is going to be a good one. Honestly, if I get lots of time with the fam, a good report on the gallbladder front, and make a lot of cheese boards, I’m calling it a win. 

Cheers to the new year! Tell me, friends: what goals do you have set? Please share a personal and professional goal with me in the comments – I’d love to hear them!

xoxo

Gina

The post Looking back on 2019 + my goals for 2020 appeared first on The Fitnessista.

Looking back on 2019 + my goals for 2020 published first on https://olimpsportnutritionde.tumblr.com/

[nitallica]

Cross-posted from my blog: DC I love you

I spent last weekend recovering from last week’s trip to Washington DC for MWLUG. Work has been hella crazy this week while I’m trying to catch up and get a few things implemented that I learned.

BTW: It was FUN! Seriously loved the venue, and I loved being in DC. I am very much looking forward to next year’s, which is supposed to be in Ann Arbor, MI if I heard correctly.

Sadly, we will likely no longer be attending IBM’s Lotusphere ConnectED Connect conference due to cost. I missed this year’s trip due to my surgery, but by looking at the schedule of sessions, there would have been very little for me there. That makes me a bit sad, but it is what it is. MWLUG is cheaper, and quite frankly more useful (to me, at least). One of my favorite sessions last week was a “discussion” (read: tongue lashing) from Lotus/Domino users, admins, and developers to a couple members of IBM staff.

I almost felt sorry for them … almost.

Traveling to and from went a lot better this year due mostly to some mental and intestinal fortification via chemistry. In other words, my doctor gave me something to chill me out during the flights. :) I took a Xanax before each flight and they helped tremendously! Our flight back from DC to Atlanta was stressful, and from Atlanta to Birmingham was downright scary. Given how I have flipped my shit in the past during bumpy flights, I was a lot calmer while doped up. But I noticed right away how tired I was after each flight. I mean, I’ve had jetlag before, but holy Hell! Never like this.

During each flight, I chronicled my thoughts. I don’t even remember WHY, maybe to pass the time? Those around me found me a little funny while on the Xanax, but I felt chill as fuck. Seriously. I have never been so relaxed and calm in my life. (except maybe while I was Valium for my anxiety years ago)

Tuesday:

6:00am Been seated for a little bit. Holy shit this thing is cramped! I’m sitting on the aisle which I’m hoping works out better this time than my previous trips where I was by the window.

A little dismayed that there are no barf bags anywhere that I can see. Not that I’ve ever blown chunks on a plane, I’ve always felt like I could. It’s rare for me to have motion sickness (usually only with a bad migraine), but my anxiety makes me nauseous sometimes.

6:15 Child behind me starts screaming. This is going to be a long 2 hours.

Dude beside me has taken up both arm rests. Keeps opening and closing the window shade. His duffle bag is taking up half of my floor space. I mean, not that my stubby little hobbit legs need a whole lot of room, but still. At least he’s quiet.

6:38 Takeoff was a little bumpy. Not scary, but not exactly comfortable either. So far the Xanax seems to be helping?

Poor Joseph and CaySal have had to sit next to me while I’ve lost my shit on previous flights. God bless whoever invented this stuff!!!

6:50 Snacks!!! :D

I was very surprised they didn’t offer peanuts. To my delight they have almonds! :)

7:06 I’m feeling surprisingly good. I only took one Xanax, and was worried that maybe I needed two. So far, so good. While part of me hates being dependent on medications, they have made my life so much better!

7:13 I’ve had Billy Joel’s “You May Be Right (I May Be Crazy)” stuck in my head since I got to the airport this morning. Which is weird because prior to that I had “Blood on My Name” on loop on my internal radio. My Uber driver’s name was Lazarus, which likely started that. Can’t remember what I heard upon waking up.

Funny, I’m currently building a new Domino server named Lazarus. It is basically a replacement for a server that’s on its proverbial deathbed. An attempt to resurrect it, if you will.

8:21 (crossed time zone!) We’re told to put our seat belts on. Getting ready to land soon? I hope. I hope. I hope. I hope.

8:25 By looking out windows in front of me, wherever we are is pretty. Nice and sunny. I want a nap so badly. Could not sleep last night and running on about 3 hours’ worth. Today is gonna be a long day.

8:33 I realized that I forgot to pack my sneakers. I have my Harley boots on currently, and they’re usually fine. But I like having sneakers just in case. Because let’s face it, sometimes my feet can be little bitches. Plus, they’re black with dark red accents and I lurvs them. :)

8:40 While I was not thrilled about Delta having me pay to check my overnight bag (which work will reimburse me for), I will say this. Their staff have been great so far. The in flight staff especially. Very friendly!

Most of the TSA staff, not so much. :/

8:53 Making our descent. Hello, Detroit! :D

9:04 Whee! Landed and taxiing to our gate.

9:41 Waiting for time to board the next leg. Duuuuuuuude I am feeling so groovy. Now I know why everyone recommended I get this.

Joseph asked if my doc could put me on this every day. LOL

10:14 Seated and waiting to take off. Next trip I am DEFINITELY upgrading my seat. Slightly less cramped than last flight, but too small for my comfort.

At least I get a window seat this time! :)

10:34 Video safety instructions now. Yay? Was kind of neat. Now playing with screen on back of the seat in front of me while we taxi out to the runway.

11:28 Played around with the flight tracker. Then watch one of the inflight movies. Born in China – about animals indigenous to China. :)

Getting close to D.C. No almonds on this flight so I opted for cinnamon cookies to dunk in my coffee. :)

Definitely wanting a nap right nap. So tired zzzzzzzzzz…

11:55 D.C. I am in you! :D

12:15pm Headed to Alexandria to the hotel. Hopefully they will let me check in early.

And the flights home, Thursday/Friday:

3:27pm Checked Delta app and learned that my flight is going to be delayed at least an hour. Something about trouble with a passenger. Yikes?

Joy of joys, I’m already stressing out. Going ahead and taking my Xanax now.

4:05 Waiting on Uber to head to the airport.

5:15 Arrived at the airport, got checked in, bags handled, and groped by TSA.

Note: DC’s TSA folks are friendlier than Birmingham’s. Not by much, but still. Delta folks, however, were very super nice.

Now sitting down to get some food. Feeling super chill, but my head is killing me, probably due to lack of sleep. Been up since 3am.

Wheeee!

5:37 We ate at Grille District. The hot wings were not hot, but very tasty. I prefer a flavorful sauce to one that melts your face off any day.

6:03 Now the long wait to board.

6:53 An announcement comes in overhead; the flight has been delayed … again.

6:59 After talking with Delta, they said we should still make it in time for connecting flight. It may be close.

8:03 Aaaaaaand flight delayed … again. Not confident that we will make our connecting flight now.

8:20 Delta says we could “probably” make our connecting flight. I really don’t want to spend the night in Atlanta.

8:44 Finally boarding plane.

9:14 Take off. I am completely knackered. May try to sleep some.

9:22 Nope, can’t sleep. While I’m not freaking as much as I normally would, I am not as zen feeling as I was earlier. I maybe should have waited to take the Xanax until just before boarding. Granted, all the calamity with the delays did not help things. To make things worse, my neck and back are starting to pain me greatly.

I wanna go home. :(

9:26 Heavy turbulence, one of my least favorite things. Not freaking. But not exactly comfortable either.

9:48 According to the little flight tracker thingy on the screen in front of my seat, we are about midway over North Carolina.

10:04 Looks like we’ve crossed over into South Carolina air space now. Getting closer to home.

10:09 The lady behind me says it’s unhealthy for me to be so fixated on the flight tracker. I said it gives me something to focus on, to distract me. She asks what I would need to be distracted from, and I answer from the fact that we are hurdling through the air around 36,000 feet high at 1,000 MPH in a large metal projectile with no parachutes.

She then quietly sat back and hasn’t said another word. I often wonder how many people regret asking me questions. :)

10:20 Getting closer to Georgia. Got just over half an hour now.

10:27 Descending into Atlanta. Attendant says we’re landing in about 20 minutes.

We can make our flight if we haul ass. I really really REALLY don’t want to spend the night in Atlanta.

10:38 Seeing a metric shit-ton of lightning up here. At least we seem to be above most of it.

Supposed to be landing in 10 mins or so …

11:16 Ran like mad to next gate and barely made it. Airport staffer had told us the wrong direction to go to the gate we needed when we got off the plane from D.C. I seriously could have throttled her.

Now waiting to take off for Birmingham.

11:59 Wheeled out to the tarmac and sat … no idea why. About to take off now.

I’m on the way. Home sweet home.

I didn’t take that many pictures, but what few I have are up on my Flickr page.

I’m so glad that tomorrow is Friday. I’m spending it with Jessie, who turned 20 yesterday. Wow, I feel old. LOL

I hope y’all are having a good week! :)

... from DC I love you

[thesecretgambler]

Monday 26th June 

At 9.30 in the morning on Monday 26th June, team mate, friend and travel companion for the next 3 weeks Smooth Sam Spencer –  https://www.facebook.com/SamSpencerMMA arrived, leaving his car outside my parents house while we packed the caravan, ready for the first leg of this particular journey. We said goodbye to my Mum and Dad, with me wanting to leave sooner rather than later as it’s never nice to see tears in your Mums eyes, as this isn’t an intended temporary departure, even if they are ones with drops of happiness as well as sadness, I hope.

Monday was pretty much about dropping my Spanish friend and language exchange, Isabel, off in Central London, with her moving from Wilmslow, Cheshire to look for more work as a Nannie. I’ll miss her too, as we’ve gotten along really well since meeting a few months earlier, primarily to practice each others first language, and then to becoming good friends.

After, we headed to a caravan site, 30 minutes drive from Team CrossFace, to settle, relax, eat, listen to music and chat, before getting the first of many sound nights sleep.

Tuesday 27th June 

After getting up and ready around 8am, we chatted, read, fuelled ourselves ready for training and made coffee, then made our way to find the gym –

http://www.crossface.co.uk/crossface-mma.html

2nd Floor – NRG Gym Watford House Lane High Street Watford. WD17 1LQ

We found our way easy enough, parking in the multi storey car park we thought was closest, then lugged our gear to our first session. Finding our way to the gym which is on the 2nd floor of an NRG gym, we was met by two of CrossFaces’ Professional MMA fighters. First, contact with Sam Patterson, then Charlie Leary. We already knew of Charlie, who was taking the 90 minute 10.30 am MMA session. He and one of our team mates, Rob Sinclair, had met to fight for the FCC Lightweight title not too long ago, as well as already having an extensive and good Professional MMA record.

Straight away, both Sam and Charlie was great with us. Relaxed and welcoming. The mark it seems of confident fighters and people. We was relaxed and  looking forward to training.

The first thing we noticed on the mats was how warm it is in the gym, with 4-6 overhead heaters. It reminded me of training in Valencia in the summer. Good for conditioning and mobility.

But for me at this point, due to leaving for my travels, I’d been out for a few celebrations with friends the weekend just passed, drinking more alcohol than I normally would, not eating great, and not sleeping much either. Not conducive to performing well in training, especially in the heat. It’s Ok though, it’s a fairly exceptional circumstance, it’s just training with fellow competitors for the first time, I think it’s natural to want to give a good account of yourself. I didn’t, I felt. But I’m Ok with it. I’m sure I’m not the only one to ever feel like this.

The session consisted of light give and take drills, working any entry we wanted for getting in on a double (double leg takedown). Then, working with Sam, we went on to drill another 5-6 variations shown, entering, then re-entering, depending on the reaction of the ‘opponent’. Everything feeling as though it could have a place in anyone’s game.

After drilling, we put on the 7/8oz sparring gloves, getting 3 x 5 minute rounds. The sparring was measured and technical. I was particularly glad as I was running on empty. The session ended around 12pm, we stretched, chatted more, then showered.

After heading back ‘home’ to rest and eat, we returned to train at 7.30pm. The session was 90 minutes of MMA. This time, head coach and UFC veteran, Dave Lee was teaching. We covered a good number of entries into takedowns, with different finishes. Again, really useful stuff, that could/should belong in anyone’s game as an MMA fighter.

After 10.30 am Tuesday MMA session

After Tuesday 7.30pm MMA session

Wednesday 28th June

After a late night, eating and chatting til gone midnight, on top of the travelling, we didn’t feel ‘at it’ in the morning, so decided to lounge about a bit and read whilst we had music on in the background, doing chores that are now becoming apparently what’s needed in caravan life – filling up the 40L water barrel, washing the pots in cold water, tying the washing line between a fence and the caravan handle, hand washing clothes etc. It feels good though. Fresh air, getting stuff done with no fuss, knocking about in shorts and flip flops. Definitely feeling good.

After getting all sorted, Sam took the bike, that lives folded up in the boot of the car, for a ride around the deep woods around the area, while I put my lap top and Spanish work books in a rucksack and headed to a local pub for a coffee whilst I wrote the previous blog post.

When we met back up, we ate, rested, then headed back to the gym. This time it was for the 6pm MMA conditioning session. Starting with 25 body kicks each side, then to (I think..) 3-5 x 5 minute rounds on the partner held pads, starting with just hands, onto single strikes only, then adding kicks/knees, then takedown attempts and sprawls… then onto a cycle of sets accumulating 720 punches from different angles, half with speed, half with power. We really enjoyed the session. It was lung busting, technical still on the pads, and tested local muscle fatigue.

Again after the session, we sat around, chatted and relaxed. The atmosphere feels just right.

Left – the village where we stayed Middle – blog writing with complimentary coffee Right – watching K1 back at home 

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Thursday 29th June

We had planned to go into London for the day, then looked for a BJJ gym to train at. We made it in by train and underground, like a pair of lemmings walking about, making mistakes from one direction to another, but constantly on the move and having any wrong decisions made corrected almost immediately it seemed. We had a walk around a few of the usual tourist spots, then completed over 8 miles walking through Hyde Park, to the gym where we was training, Carlson Gracie BJJ London. I’ll blog about our experience training there separately. It wasn’t how we’re used to, but an hours rolling all the same.

We made our way back, collecting some Thai food on the way back to what’s rapidly become a home. We ate, chatted, watched K1 and Thai fights on YouTube, then main lights out and read the books  we’re both on, before passing out within minutes again.

Friday 30th June

Our final session at Team CrossFace. We felt gutted. We’d had some good training and a good laugh here. Anyway, we trained, drilling a few free kickboxing combinations between ourselves, then had 3 x 5 minute kickboxing rounds with takedowns. Getting rounds with Sam, Charlie Leary and Dave Lee. All technical and measured, with good pace. It was a good session. We finished feeling happy with what we’d got in on the first 4 days of the trip.

After training, again, we sat around to chat and have a laugh, with Dave giving me and Sam gifts of Team CrossFace tops, an MMA Progression Journal written by Dave and Scott E-Hunt, stickers, a BJJ Gi badge each and even a incense sticks, obviously knowing how it will be with 2 lads training, eating and sharing a small caravan.

We said our goodbyes and gave our most sincere thanks to Dave, and everyone at the gym who we’d met.

About the gym 

The gym has everything ‘you’d’need. Free parking near by, excellent facilities with huge cage, and good mats, weights area and showers for when the work’s been done. With experienced coaches and fighters, offering a lot of sessions throughout the week (see the timetable on the website link).

I honestly couldn’t say enough good things about this place. The training was technical, to the point, effective and fun. The head coach and fighter (Dave), and all the lads, and girls, have been great with us. Welcoming, fair, honest and a joy to be around. It’s definitely a special work place. The gym has a good number of professional and amateur MMA fighters, all doing well, and it’s obvious from training here, why that is.

Dave is a true martial artist and someone it seems to me who has a great zest for the sport, the arts, and life. Someone who gives, and someone who is a pleasure to be around and learn from.

This is true of many of the lads in the gym too (and girls!)

Like ‘my’ home gym, Predators in Manchester, the atmosphere in the gym seems to produce certain types of fighters, that are honest, tough, and…. intelligent.

I’ll definitely be following the gym and the all the lads competing, and be willing everyone connected with it, all the best of luck.

For now, as deep as it may sound, but is true, I feel more rich for having spent time here. I’m grateful for that. Thank you Dave and everyone at Team CrossFace.

Great facilities, great training, great atmosphere.

  Team CrossFace, Watford, England. Monday 26th June  At 9.30 in the morning on Monday 26th June, team mate, friend and travel companion for the next 3 weeks Smooth Sam Spencer -   arrived, leaving his car outside my parents house while we packed the caravan, ready for the first leg of this particular journey.

[everettwilkinson]

Moving on . . .

Long ago, and oh so far away, I fell in love with you, before I wrote the second Pfennig… You dear reader, you have kept me going through good times and bad, sickness and health, and all my whining. I couldn’t have done it without you… The last 10 years have been difficult for me, as you know, and I never held back any of the details.

I bet you’re wondering what this is all about and what is Chuck getting at this morning… Well, I’ve never been one to beat around the bush, so I’ll just come right out and tell you that now the TIAA/ EverBank transaction has been completed I’ll be retiring from EverBank (but wait, not the Pfennig – you aren’t rid of me yet).

It has been an eventful 17 years. Building a first-class World Markets business, traveling relentlessly, speaking, and doing all the other ancillary things that go with it. And making sure the Pfennig went out every day even when I was suffering with the effects of radiation and chemotherapy. There’s a lot to do in an entrepreneurial business and it was great to be a major player.

Indulge me a little nostalgia . . .

In 1992, Frank Trotter, came to me, and asked me to join his World Markets group at the old Mark Twain Bank… It was a small group, but they were growing by leaps and bounds, and in need of a foreign bond trader. I had spent time, in the past, on the bond trading desk, trading short-term instruments, like Commercial Paper, Bankers Acceptances, T-Bills, and so on. I thought that this would be a great move for me, so I grabbed the opportunity. That was one of the wisest things I’ve ever done. After weeks of studying foreign bonds and talking to foreign bond dealers to get an idea as to how they wanted to be dealt with, I began trading foreign bonds for Mark Twain Bank. Not long after that, I noticed that the sales people would come in each day, and spend the next hour trying to figure out what happened in the overnight markets. The problem was that the phones were on during this time of discovery for the sales people, and they often times didn’t know what to say.

Well, I arrived at work at least an hour before everyone else, and so I decided to start giving the sales staff some notes as to what happened overnight, and what to expect that day. I would walk over to the copy machine to make enough to put on the trader’s desks. The sales staff loved them! They loved the notes so much that that started faxing these hand-written notes to their clients. And that was the beginning of the distribution of the Pfennig. By 1995, Frank Trotter had developed a website for Mark Twain Bank, and the website needed new content daily… Ahhh, the Pfennig! It began to get posted on the website, and then soon after, email came along, and clients wanted the letter emailed to them each day. And now, 25 years after the first hand written letter, it’s time for my boot-heels to be a wanderin’ (got to love the Nobel Laureate Bob Dylan).

In 1994, our currency trader left Mark Twain Bank, and I volunteered to do the currency trading, and foreign bond trading along with the risk management duties for the World Markets Group. It made sense, for each foreign bond bought or sold, there was a foreign currency transaction to go with it. Now I could add currency trends and movements that I saw each day to the Daily Pfennig..

In the early days of EverBank, we didn’t have foreign currency CD ‘s and savings accounts. That business we had run at Mark Twain Bank was offered at First Star Bank who had bought Mercantile Bank, who had bought Mark Twain Bank. In June of 2000, EverBank bought the deposit book from First Star… At that time, the total deposits were $ 48 million, but within a month the deposits had fallen to $ 23 Million… At this time, it was just Chuck answering the phone, doing the trades, entering the trades, doing the risk management, and stuffing envelopes with statements. In other words, chef, cook, and bottle washer.. Soon, Cheryl Harper sat at my left-hand side clearing trades, doing general ledgers, etc. manually! My Friday latte’ Buddy, Michelle Boschert, ran the operations side. I had brought Jen Evans (now Mclean) with me to run the brokerage piece of the company, EverTrade Direct Brokerage, which I had started working on in my basement.

Next on board was our little Christine Jamieson (now Peplow)… She was full of energy and jumped in with both feet. Between having Jen and Christine as co-workers that I could depend on, I was ready for World Markets to begin to grow… And grow it did! Our Marketing guru, David Galland, read the white paper I wrote in 2001, called: The Decline of the Dollar, and decided to put his marketing prowess to work. Soon, we needed more people to talk to the ever-expanding list of new clients. That’s when Old Mark Twain Bank colleague, John Kaupisch came on board. And in 2003, another old Mark Twain Bank colleague joined us, Chris Gaffney, who is now the President of EverBank World Markets.

Working at an early stage company is always more than a full-time job – and building World Markets was no exception. I always think back to those times, when we were growing like a weed, and working 13-14 hour days, and ordering Pizza on the desk for dinner while we worked. Looking back at it I was pretty stressed helping to make it all happen. I do wonder how that played into my Stage 4 metastatic renal cell carcinoma (Kidney cancer) that I was diagnosed with in 2007 since I never smoked and was always active and strong as an ox. So, If you ever learn anything in life know that stress is not a good thing, and too much of it may lead to deadly diseases….

In 2001, we began to go to conferences and shows, and I would speak at these venues. One presentation at the Orlando Money Show, had the room completely filled, with people standing all along the walls, the aisles were filled with people sitting on the floor, and there were still hundreds of people outside the room wanting to get in. All to hear me speak… So, Chris stood at the back of the room, keeping the people from crowding into the room and probably creating a fire hazard, and would repeat what I was saying to the crowd outside the room. It truly was one of the best presentations I ever made.

I used to do a Top Ten Reasons why you should diversify with currencies and metals, and I would have cards with topics to talk about that were numbered 1-10, just like a David Letterman feature, and I would sail the cards into the crowd when I was finished with each one. Or there was the time in Vancouver when I had the crowd there singing… My presentations were never boring!

Over the years, I saved my lanyards with my name and company on them with the show or conference I was attending, and they hang on my coat/ hat stand in my office. I don’t know what I’ll do with them now that I won’t have an office to put the coat/ hat sand in. But there are hundreds of these “reminders” for me of where I was, what I was talking about, and the great people I met through the years.

As a group, sales, trading and operations, we were a tight knit group, and we worked long hours, but when it was time to kick back and have a cold adult beverage and talk about our day or week, we did that, and those “happy hours” will always be remembered by me as something I did, to bring our group together.

Now a little about the future . . .

If you want you can still be a subscriber to the Daily Pfennig, and in that case you don’t have to do a thing. If you do not want to get the Pfennig any more, you can send a blank email to mailto:leave-2135604-26472109.f269e9774377fe63fa31ab8ce786d88a@mm.everbank.com by Monday, June 19, 2017 to unsubscribe. For those of you who do not unsubscribe, you will begin to receive the Pfennig again as soon as the next version is out.

As always you can visit www.dailypfennig.com to read my commentary right up to date!

It has been a great long run at EverBank… You know, I worked 17 years at Mark Twain Bank, and 17 years at EverBank… Now I am headed off to another chapter. Maybe it’ll be writing the Pfennig for another 17 year giving you, dear reader, the truth, and someone to look under the hood, and tell you that things aren’t as the cable media would have you believe. I’ll be there for you.

I’ve adopted lyrics from “the Boxer” by Simon and Garfunkel to be my theme song… Ready? Here goes…

In the clearing stands a boxer And a fighter by his trade And he carries the reminders Of every glove that laid him down Or cut him till he cried out In his anger and his shame “I am leaving, I am leaving” But the fighter still remains

Thanks for reading, please stay with me as I go to my new home, and thanks for indulging me as I went through this nostalgic walk back in time… Until we exchange emails again… I ask you to Be Good To Yourself!

Chuck Butler Managing Director EverBank Global Markets Creator / Editor of: A Pfennig For Your Thoughts 1-800-926-4922

http://www.everbank.com

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