#post erasmus depression

[marmorenshud]

me waking up: I can't wait to go to Norway and live alone

me going to school: i hate Norway i wish i could stay in Sweden forever

me at home: I can't wait to go to Norway and live alone

[femcharlemagne]

good morning beloved mutuals. once again i am using tumblr as my personal dumping grounds for dreams, knick-knacks, obsessive thoughts et cetera. *kissy face*

this time is mostly because i want to remember these dreams so i can give the occasional bone to pick to my therapist (who is really keen on hearing what i dream and walks away disappointed most times because i tend to be unable to remember my dreams. lmao)… also because these dreams have been pretty weird and left me well, not unsettled or uncomfortable but they made me think. (keeping this as short as possible because i have things to do this morning THAT i am forfeiting in favor of writing a tumblr post about Weird Dreams)

okay so! basically. yesterday night i had this dream i only remember one scene of: i was in a park (in my German Erasmus City) and i was cuddling with this guy on a picnic blanket. this guy is a Very Real person some stuff happened with and for whom i ended up getting a fucked up crush on at my lowest in february-march and whose thought made me panicky and sad and want to self-isolate to hell and back. this same guy i ended up seeing during my holiday stint in sicily and the atmosphere between us was GLACIAL… my friends told me he’s got like. super pissed at me because i didn’t come out to say hi before we were leaving German Erasmus City. like we hung out just the two of us a couple times when the others had gone away already and i was always somewhat uncomfortable because the conversation was awkward and i genuinely did not understand why he kept hanging out with me and if he liked my company at all… back then i felt he didn’t behave all that correctly towards me and i still maintain that.

but i’m sorry he was disappointed by the fact i didn’t come out to say goodbye in march. i mean i was probably pissed at him and very depressed and hiding in my room but i’m sorry and i’ve been ruminating ever since my friends told me this… like. text him and tell him. it’s just not my style though. and i don’t think he would take it super well? i wouldn’t even know what to say except i didn’t know it made him feel like it and i’m sorry for it. and so many months have passed and i should just leave it be.

and i dreamt about him yesterday. and my ex boyfriend is coming to town in a matter of days and i am thinking about it, and him, all the time, wondering if i should text him at least to wish him good luck on his phd admission test. which i would gladly do if i wasn’t so afraid of upsetting him by showing up. and i thought that maybe i could just pop by the uni and wish him good luck in person. but then again i wouldn’t want to spring on him like that. and if i don’t text him at all i am going to feel bad anyway because it’s been ages since the last time i saw him and the mere thought makes me want to cry.

tonight i dreamt about the other guy again. last night’s dream surprised me because it was so sweet and tender and i didn’t expect to want that so much - intimacy and silence and being held. and my brain, my subconscious decided to assign him that part? like… i have my ex on my mind most of the time nowadays and he’s like the most plausible pick for tenderness but no. it seems like i can’t even bring myself to face him in the dreamscape. back then, right before everything happened, i used to dream about him all the time.

and in tonight’s dream i was somewhere, in a house with a terrace/garden (like my friend’s sicilian villa) with my friends. he gets there, and instead of acting cold like it actually happened in reality, he takes me by the hand without saying a word and he drags me to the end of the terrace and we just kiss. and there was desire (if you huh. know what i mean. it feels cringe writing it but basically he was… making me feel it) but mostly tenderness.

and then the dream kind of degenerated into a complicated storyline like… buses to take in my city… the same guy, or perhaps another person, transitioning (and i conjured this very articulated monologue by this trans woman who at this point was a different person entirely who still had ties with my erasmus friends… she was talking about freedom of expression and how freeing it was to go to the cinema before the rise of the internet??)… also this party on the beach with my erasmus friend that ended like. really late at night. and i went home, somehow had nicolas maupas there of all people, my parents coming home in the middle of the night and having to shoo him out… also missing a plane to valle d’aosta because i had booked a flight for that same night but with the party and all i forgot, and having these thoughts about when to reschedule the flight… it was all pretty weird.

well. this turned out longer than anticipated but i had fun procrastinating revising catullus 68. i hope you had fun reading about my dreams and real life drama lmao. kissies to all of you mutuals

[memoriae-lectoris]

The eighteenth century was the age of correspondence.

Advances in education, postal networks and the falling costs of writing materials fuelled the boom in letter-writing. And this was, for the first time, a communications revolution that affected men and women in almost equal measure. The eighteenth century went a long way to closing the yawning educational gap between the sexes. [...] In France only 29 per cent of men and 14 per cent of women signed in 1690; one hundred years later the percentages were 48 and 27 per cent. These figures were depressed by the leavening effect of France's large rural hinterland (literacy was much higher in the cities and especially so in Paris), but even in rural areas the advance was striking. [...]

Women were also well represented among the social classes propelled by the expanding world economy into the unfamiliar possession of a modicum of surplus income. Younger, unmarried women, unencumbered by family responsibilities, embraced with particular eagerness the opportunities to engage in regular communication with family friends and potential suitors.

The new craze for letter-writing was supported by a powerful infrastructure. The expansion of school education (and particularly schooling for girls) was particularly important. Thereafter induction in the particular craft and conventions of correspondence was encouraged by a host of epistolary handbooks. This was a venerable genre, and popular in polite society from the time Erasmus had placed correspondence at the heart of humanist self-fashioning.

[...] In January and February 1789, on the very eve of the French Revolution, an inventory was compiled of the goods of Estienne Garnier, a deceased printer and bookseller from the northern French city of Troyes. Among his very considerable stock were three letter-writing manuals: the Secrétaire à la mode, the Nouveau Secrétaire Français and Secrétaire des dames. They contained a selection of model letters for a variety of social situations. The Secrétaire à la mode was conveniently divided into two categories, business letters (letters of notification, complaint or making excuses) and complimentary letters (congratulations, thanks, consolation or letters announcing a visit). Although Garnier catered mostly for customers with low disposable income – he was a specialist in the coarse and cheaply produced books known collectively as the Bibliothèque bleue – these manuals were extremely popular.

[...] In the first place the use of the postal system, though now far simpler and far more reliable, was still expensive. The cost of letters was carefully gradated to the weight of the package and the distance they would be carried. Only a small proportion was delivered post-paid. For many correspondents the joy of receiving a letter was tempered by the need to find ready cash to pay for it; and this could be a considerable sum. Although letters moved smoothly enough along the postal routes, arrangements for delivery from the depot on their arrival were often rudimentary. Only habitual correspondents (mostly business users) would make regular visits to the post office to pick up mail.

[radioactivehydronerd]

When does post Erasmus depression go away

[hotgirlmessss]

Made such bad decisions that I have to do a story time so if you wanna see how i struggle then you’re welcome

I moved to a new town for uni, met a guy that’s here for Erasmus. Didn’t really hit it off at first but then I randomly hooked up with him and we started seeing each other more often. It went so far that he said he wants to be exclusive (didn’t say we’re dating tho) and that he really likes me and thinks of me as much more than a friend. Great. Ofc my brain made him my favorite person. Anyways, I got sad and depressed because he’s not gonna be here forever and he goes back to his country in a few months and also he makes me really confused. He doesn’t text me a lot so ofc I stalked a bit too much and found his another ig accounts where he has pics with a girl??? And it looks like they’re dating??? I mean this posts are from before he came here but it looks like he has a whole ass girlfriend in his country and he’s cheating on her with me and now I feel like shit and the worst human being ever. Soooo yeah that’s what’s been happening for a few months.

[appalachy]

Post erasmus depression so bad im considering returninh to church. Also if i dont paint smth soon or touch a paintbrush or whatever or smth im gonna kill myself i reckon

[mirrorballwhoistrying]

A Transitional Period - August (09.09.23)

I started August quite okay I think. I reached 3K followers on TikTok. To be honest, this took such a long time than a normal content creator.

I also joined a briefing session with Cheata for the ERASMUS+ scholarship. The process sounds so complicated to me though, but at least I got to broaden my horizon on what I can apply.

Chevening is supposed to open this month though and they didn't. So strange. The good news is after feeling like shit I finally got an Eras tour ticket from resale!

The ticket is 300$ though but at least there are tickets available. I had nothing going on much to be honest as I was wholeheartedly just looking forward to the Thailand trip.

Depression and sadness really left my body when I entered the boarding gate. I need to write another blog for this but to be honest, there was nothing much special going on. It was already like a routine for me to be in Bangkok. It feels so familiar. I got to meet Kimsiang, Kem & Suchi again.

And then, sadness hit me again when I got back home. The good thing was my sessions of mental health fellowship started! It was going great and so cool to see like-minded people working on the same cause I care about. I'm going to Jakarta in November too!

I was also back to editing videos. I didn't know it really took all my energy to finish the video. It was long overdue, to be honest. It was a long-ass 9:30 video but I didn't care. turns out it also performed the best. I guess the push from Kakcent page helped. but the great thing was the video did provide value to people about financial literacy.

The follow-up contents didn't perform as well but I guess I'm still just exploring before sticking to something. I also managed to post my aunt's video & Studio Ghibli's content as well. It was long overdue.

August feels like the calm before the storm. Like the almost-there a n transition to the high season of the year. I can't believe I just started writing about August when I'm 9 days into September. Guess I'd end it here so I have something more to recap in the September post.

[fandom-girl-99]

Current Battles

Lately, from Friday to today, things have been getting bad. My anxiety has spiked because on Friday I had to confirm to the night school that I would go to our Erasmus exchange program. I was having 2nd and 3rd thoughts because I’m very anxious about traveling after the pandemic and because last time I was in Italy it was an experience!

Although, now I’m a bit less anxious about the trip, I did…

[lara635kookie]

Ranking the best The 39 Clues books(First season because the other ones just aren't canon in my mind).

SPOILER ALERT!

If you're a Clue Hunter and is reading this post, when you finish it reblog it and do your ranking of The First Season books(please I need to know I'm not alone on this fandom)(Please someone tell me I didn't get to this fandom too late). Also this is only my opinion. If you think different feel free to share your thoughts(respectly). So let's go:

My Personal Favorites:

10-Beyond The Grave(Book Four written by Jude Watson):

Honestly this book is overall good and I really wanted to go Egypt but that's only in this place because Ian and Natalie don't show up in person, they're only mentioned by Amy and Dan sometimes. It may seem like a stupid reason but Ian and Natalie were the biggest enemies of Amy and Dan, arch-enemies since the two understand themselves by person and their appearances have always been so iconic, the chases, the talks, the fights, the teasing so the fact they weren't in this book just didn't feel right. The Cahills and the Kabras have a lot of chemistry, both as enemies and as much something more(if you get me, lovers cough cough), and the Kabras have been sorely missed in this book(at least by me).

9-The Emperor's Code(Book Eight written by Gordon Korman):

I don't know compared to the other ones, this one just look kinda forgettable. Maybe because Amy and Dan spend a good part of this book apart. But of course the story has its good moments which are when Dan gives an autograph for a girl (D. Cahill is priceless), when Dan tells the Wizards that he is a Madrigal (as we say in Brazil: Iconic, Memorable and Timeless) (Dan was very amazing in this book, if you disagree, disagree in silence) and when Amy saves Ian(aka Love of her life) from falling off Mount Everest.

8-The Viper's Nest(Book Seven written by Peter Lerangis):

I love that one but the other ones are just better. I like the ending with Isabel(and everyone) thinking that the Clue was Diamond and It wasn't. I also like the scenes with Kurt because I wanted Ian to meet him and Kurt make Ian jealous of Amy(don't judge my dreams). Another thing that I really like is the history. I really like studying history and I learnt so much about Shaka Zulu. And was also with that book that I realized that Isabel had arrived to stay and that she would be the Main Villain in the end somehow. Maybe That's another reason why I don't like much The Emperor's Code:Isabel didn't show up and I thought she would appear in all the other books after In Too Deep. Natalie on Storm Warning said that Isabel didn't trust Ian and her to handle the Hunt without Isabel anymore since Russia so that just doesn't make sense. Maybe she didn't appearead to give Cora Wizard the spotlight but anyway let's continue.

7-The Black Circle(Book Five written by Patrick Carman):

I love this one so much. Probably because in this book we see that Ian is also in love with Amy. On Book three he seemed to like her but then he and Natalie let Amy, Dan and Alistair locked on the cave and we only see Amy Side of this story. Her sadness. But we didn't know if Ian was sorry, if he regreted his actions. And when they come back on this book we see Ian still likes Amy and the fandom goes crazy. I mean even if you are a Jamy/Carian shipper or shipps another shipp you probably shipped Amyan before because they were the only promising couple on the series(at least on series one). Back to the book I Love The Holts defeating the Kabras and Amy and Dan doing an Alliance with Hamilton(Dan envying Hamilton for driving a Kamaz will be Forever iconic). Also this book was when I realized Irina wasn't bad. I didn't like her in the other books and I didn't notice much of her but everything changed on this book and I started to love her. * sad sigh * Moving on!

6-The Maze of Bones(Book One written by Rick Riordan):

Uncle Rick(we call him like that on Brazil, in portuguese is Tio Rick) did a really great job on this one. For a series that has several authors writing, the beginning is very important and it is a great responsibility for the first author because those who will write later have to understand what you wanted to convey in the beginning to make a coherent continuation. Rick Riordan did it flawlessly. We can identify ourselves in the characters and we get really connected to the plot, the history, the riddles about Benjamin Franklin and after finishing the book we wanna know more about what happens next. So Rick Riordan absolutely slayed this introduction and no one can tell me otherwise.

5-One False Note(Book Two written by Gordon Korman):

This book is just unforgivable. I love this with all my soul. Probably because It talks about Mozart and his history and I really love arts. Also because the writing of this book is so satisfactory and so well done. I mean I really thought Fidelio Racco was a real person. What I also love about that book is the fact that every character get to shine. Amy and Dan are the Main characters but the appearences of all the other characters are really remarkable so yeah That's it. Deserves this spot on the Top 5 for sure.

4-In Too Deep(Book Six written by Jude Watson):

Going now to the four horsemen of the apocalypse from the best books of The 39 Clues. In Too Deep It's just something so perfect It's inexplicable. Something I don't like much about In Too Deep is that when Isabel was fighting to Irina and Ian and Natalie were watching Natalie was like:Irina is going to get Shoot on the head, That's gonna be so good. Like she wanted Isabel to do this, like she would be disappointed if she didn't, like she was used to seeing this type of thing. Then, In Storm Warning she was soft like:Not blood. It's so repulsive(several authors series problem but the series is good anyway). About that book I love the start, I love the middle, I love the apex and If It wasn't for Irina's death in the end this would probably be even higher than already is. Why Irina, Jude? Also:Why Pony? Why Erasmus? Why McIntyre? Why Alistair? Why Lester? Why Natalie? Why Evan? Why everyone? Why not Jake or Cara? Back to the story Jude Watson is Just a genius for transforming a dream(or a nightmare) in Isabel Kabra and adding her to the book. I don't wanna cry today so I'm just going for the next one.

3-The Sword Thief(Book Three written by Peter Lerangis):

If this book was a part The Plastics of Mean Girls, The Sword Thief would be Karen Smith of The 39 Clues, because let's face it:Amy and Dan were really dumb of accepting an alliance with Alistair and the Kabras. Principally with the Kabras. I mean they already were kinda used to temporary alliances with Alistair but not Ian and Natalie but they should have expected that It would have been bad on the end. I mean yes they needed Ian's coin to open the cave to find the clue but they look so surprised when Ian and Natalie leaves them on the cave and they shouldn't because that was obvious that they were going to betray them in the final. So they should have accepted the alliance but being more distant to the Kabras and preparing themselves in case they try something(which was obvious they would). But at the same time, I'm glad they didn't because AMYAN IS JUST MY ENTIRE LIFE(And even a little bit of Danatalie this book is Just a masterpiece). Just like In Too Deep, I love everything about that book, except the end. And I am a Kpop fan(not the cringe obssessed type) and I really like to study about North and South Korea and their history but South Korea's caves just left me depressed. I'm gonna cry so let's change the subject.

2-Storm Warning(Book Nine written by Linda Sue Park):

I love everything about this book. Literally everything. The start, the middle, the apex and the end. I love this book mainly because Natalie got the spotlight that she deserved. I don't know why I like Natalie so much since the start. Maybe because when I started Reading the books I was eleven, just like her. And Maybe because she was pretty, rich, savage and sassy wich I always wanted to be. But there is something more that I don't know how to explain that is really relatable about Natalie even with my reality being too different from hers and this book was the confirmation I needed that Natalie would be my favorite character Forever. I Also like it because it happened on Bahamas and Jamaica(two places I really want to go in the future) and It got a lot of revelations and twists in the end(wich I love more than everything on a book). If Storm Warning was a person and slapped my face I would probably say:Thanks, Could you do that again?

1-Into The Gauntlet(Book Ten written by Margaret Peterson Haddix):

I usually don't like the endings of books because I'm sad that it's over and as all the other books were good I usually demand a lot from the endings, even more than the beginnings (for me the final impression is the one that stays, not the first). I generally like the endings but I've never looked at a ending book and said: This one overcomes all the other books. I normally like more the start or the middle books. But man Into The Gauntlet caught me off guard. DoD is already a trash ending, comparing to Into The Gauntlet, DoD(fanfiction-forced-canon) seems even worse(if That's even possible). Everything about that book It's just top-notch, high quality, god tier, flawlessly perfect. Stan Haddix. We believe in Into The Gauntlet Supremacy.

It's going to have a part 2. Bye.

[calacuspr]

Calacus Weekly Hit & Miss – Simone Biles & Rassie Erasmus

Every Monday we look at the best and worst communicators in the sports world from the previous week.

HIT – SIMONE BILES

Simone Biles has been the superstar of gymnastics - if not female sport - since she burst into global consciousness by winning four gold medals at the Rio 2016 Olympic Games.

With 19 world championship gold medals as well to her name at the tender age of 24, expectations were high at Tokyo 2020.

Not content with leading the world in gymnastics, Biles showed remarkable strength from one so young by putting her mental health ahead of the attention and anticipation of her performances at this year’s Olympic Games.

After pulling out of the women's gymnastics team final. Biles explained: “I have to focus on my mental health. I just think mental health is more prevalent in sports right now.

"We have to protect our minds and our bodies and not just go out and do what the world wants us to do.

"I don't trust myself as much anymore. Maybe it's getting older. There were a couple of days when everybody tweets you and you feel the weight of the world.

"We're not just athletes. We're people at the end of the day and sometimes you just have to step back.”

The Olympic Games may be one of the biggest stages in world sport, but Biles showed remarkable poise to withdraw given her unofficial role as the symbol of Team USA.

It is further proof, if proof were needed, that sports stars now feel empowered to stand up, not only for social justice but also for themselves, as we saw with Naomi Osaka withdrawing from the French Open in much the same way earlier this year.

Michael Phelps, himself an Olympic phenomenon, defended Biles after previously revealing his own struggles with depression. He said: “This is an opportunity for all of us to really learn more about mental health, to all help each other out.

"For me, I want people to be able to have somebody that can support them, who’s non-judgmental and who’s willing to hold space. There’s a lot that we can do to help one another and we have to start. We can’t brush it under the rug anymore.”

Biles, remember, has spoken out about the sexual abuse she and many others faced at the hands of the former U.S.A. Gymnastics doctor Lawrence G. Nassar and the devastating effect it has had on her life.

She has also spoken out about racism, which she has encountered in life and in gymnastics competition; She said: “It happens every day, and I feel like every Black athlete or colored athlete can say that they've experienced it through their career.”

Biles has had to watch as her brother Tevin Biles-Thomas was accused and then recently acquitted of 15 charges including murder related to an incident three years ago.

The gymnast later withdrew from the final individual all-round competition, with USA Gymnastics stating: “We wholeheartedly support Simone’s decision and applaud her bravery in prioritizing her well-being. Her courage shows, yet again, why she is a role model for so many.”

There have been accusations that she let down her team by walking away, that she displayed an appetite for ‘losing, quitting and failure’ rather than seeing the bigger picture of fighting through adversity.

American conservative activist Charlie Kirk was also quick to criticise, saying: "We are raising a generation of weak people like Simone Biles. If she's got all these mental health problems: don't show up."

“She's probably the greatest gymnast of all time. She's also very selfish, she's immature and she's a shame to the country."

Those opinions were echoed by other right-wing activists and yet US newspapers such as USA Today called Biles’ decision “important” and a “powerful message.”

The New York Times lauded the 24-year-old for putting her “mental health first and the expectations of others, at best, second” and after Biles spoke about the mental exhaustion endemic to being the best, the Washington Post asked, “What are we doing, breaking our athletes?”

Mental health organisations such as The Rethink Mental Illness charity praised Biles and said: “Everyone needs to prioritise their mental health, even the best athletes in the world.

“Simone Biles’s decision to withdraw from an Olympics final will not have been taken lightly, and it’s great to see the support she received from her teammates.”

Mind also congratulated Biles on her bravery and posted on Twitter: “Working in elite sports like gymnastics comes with unimaginably high levels of pressure, perfectionism, scrutiny, and comparison. Simone Biles is incredibly brave for speaking out, and highlighting the importance of looking after your mental heath.

“Simone is a role model for women and girls everywhere. She deserves our applause, respect, appreciation – and above all our support right now.”

MISS – RASSIE ERASMUS

Rugby union prides itself on respect and one of the most fundamental aspects of game is based on how referees are treated.

It’s common law within the sport that players and coaches accept refereeing judgments without abusive disagreement but in recent times, the game has been caught up in controversy due to reactions over refereeing decisions.

During the 2021 British and Irish Lions and South Africa test series, South Africa head coach Rassie Erasmus has taken the disrespect of officials to a whole new level, as he openly criticised the officiating of the first test match between the two sides.

In an hour-long video, Erasmus let out his fury towards Australian referee Nick Berry in which he analysed 26 clips from the game of incidents which he believed were blatant mistakes.

In the video, he said: "It's comical the respect the [officials] showed towards the South African players compared to the Lions players.

"Let the Springboks and the Lions have an equal chance on the field when it comes to laws, respect, the way players are treated, what is said in the coaches' pre-match meeting with the referees, how they give feedback post-match and how things are said in the media.

"When Siya [Kolisi] spoke to the referee and when Alun Wyn [Jones] spoke to the referee, I just felt the reactions on how they treated both those players, there was a vast difference between who he was taking serious and who he wasn't taking serious."

Erasmus ends the video by saying that he recorded the video “in my personal capacity, and not as part of the Springboks”, even offering to quit his position for the remainder of the series.

But when you’re the head coach of the world champions in any sport, let alone rugby union, recording a video criticising a referee is entirely inappropriate.

Despite his claims that neither Nick Berry nor World Rugby provided feedback on the officiating during the first test, Erasmus raised his complaints in a totally unprofessional manner.

In response to the video, Rugby Australia defended Nick Berry and deemed the comments from Erasmus as "unacceptable", while World Rugby reacted by saying they would be taking up the matter with the South African Rugby Union.

Erasmus has never been afraid to speak out, but his comments towards referees has cast a shadow over the already disrupted Lions Tour in South Africa.

In the week running up to the first test, Erasmus refused to disassociate himself from a burner Twitter account named “Jaco Johan”, which carries video clips of controversial refereeing incidents for the previous games of the tour.

“When something makes sense to me I like to retweet it,” Erasmus said. “If you do analyse the things that he is supposed to see, then you are actually spot on with the integrity of the game.”

It’s also not the first time that the Springbok head coach has been caught up in controversy regarding the officiating in rugby.

Back in 2019, the then New Zealand head coach Steve Hansen accused Erasmus of trying to pressure referees into preferential treatment towards his team, after the South Africa boss suggested that the All Blacks had for years received soft officiating during matches.

Debate surrounding refereeing decisions has been a constant theme of the Lions series, with the tourists also raising concerns regarding the appointment of a South African television match official in the first game.

With South Africa going on to claim victory in the second Test, Erasmus could claim that his mind games paid off, especially considering several decisions went the Springboks' way.

Regardless, raising concerns about refereeing in rugby should be done in a respectful manner and in that regard, Erasmus missed the mark completely during the 2021 Lions tour.

[marmorenshud]

I lied, I am a ctually really fucking sad about having to leave Sweden

[matkomakto]

How was it to be a volunteer in Italy?

In this post I want to describe my experience as an AIESEC volunteer in Bologna (I posted a lot during this period on my Instagram). My project was related to SDG4, or in other words Quality Education. The name of my NGO is EduChange. What I did in practice was teaching English and giving presentations about Poland and Polish culture to Italian children at the age of 9-10 (and once 14, but that’s a different story). I will put a line now, so that if you’re not interested you won’t have to scroll like crazy.

ARRIVAL

I don’t want to describe the whole procedure of applying, it’s very easy and nothing really happens. Before you leave you have two meetings - one in your local AIESEC and the other via Internet with the one you’re going to. My journey starts on January, 17th. In the morning I entered a bus to Kraków, from where I departed at 4pm to Venice, and then to Bologna. Venice welcomed me with rain (I got a little cold because of that, but Gripex saved my life once again) and so did Bologna. The whole journey took 26 hours (yes, I went by bus and you can’t judge me). Somewhere on my way my first host-mum, Mary, messaged me wishing me a good journey and asking if I was safe (and in this sentence you have everything about this woman - always kind and caring <3). A few hours later, my other host-mum, Chiara, who was supposed to take me from the station messaged me too. At the station I was welcomed by Chiara and Matilde, one of my new sisters (in general, now I have 3 sisters and 1 brother). In the car I met Davide, dad, and Carlotta, my other sister (or daughter, as some people would say). After a short conversation, I realised we were in the house of Mary, where I was about to spend next 3 weeks of my life. I was tired af, but it’s understandable, I think. I messaged my buddy, Marie Claire (oh, haven’t told you about her — a buddy is a person from bolognese AIESEC, who takes care of you, a kind of nanny I’d say) and my manager, Sofia. And then I had dinner and went to sleep. I was sleeping from 14.00 till 11.00 on Sunday. I had no idea what would happen next.

FERRARA

I woke up when nobody was at home. It was a bit creepy tbh. On the table I found a note “We’ll be home at 12, eat anything you want” (I didn’t, my stomach was still acting as if I were in the bus). When the whole family, it means — Mary, Andrea, Athina and Achille, came back, they told me “We’re going to Ferrara”. I thought “What is Ferrara?”. It’s a beautiful town near Bologna, where we spent an amazing afternoon. I didn’t know anything about this town, and even if Mary and Andrea tried their best as guides, I spent a whole evening using Google Maps to identify objects I had seen. Among them were the Cathedral, Palazzo Muncipale, Castello Estense, Palazzo dei Diamanti and Via delle Volte. I ate a delicious cake, which name I don’t remember, filled with Nutella. Achille kept complaining “Maddalena’s cake is the best!” (they all  ok, almost all called me Maddalena, which is Italian version of Magdalena). In the evening we played all three in the living room and I was texted by Serena, an English teacher from one schools I was going to teach in, also one of my best bolognese friends. With her message I became both excited and anxious about the next day.

FIRST DAY(S)

All the anxiety disappeared when I entered the first school. The children were so lovely and cheerful that I fell in love with them (in a good meaning ofc) instantly. On the first lesson I was just sitting and doing nothing. Then, Serena came, and I was helping her to answer children’s questions during a final test. Believe me, there were hundreds of them. I came home tired, but happy. And finally I became hungry and ate everything I was offered (I always have a problem with eating far from home). The next day meant another school. It was less pleasant as a building, as Mary described it - it looked more like a hospital. Nevertheless, both the teachers and the students again were pure love. In the canteen I sat with 5 boys, who were supposed to make an interview with me. I felt as if I had been watching Familiada live. Then, one of the teachers came to our table hugging one boy saying “Ask him as often as you can. He’s my son”. Lovely, isn’t it? XD In the next class two girls came to me, giving me a drawing (I have it still in my diary). When I asked in Italian if it was for me, I heard a loud, full of shock “LEI CAPISCEEEEEEEEE”. One of the funniest things during these first days is that nobody knew I spoke Italian, and seeing their faces as they discovered it was a very entertaining activity. Wednesday was my day out, I’ll describe it later. On Thursday and on Friday I went to the third school. I ended up in Athina’s class and believe me, it’s really hard to be in one class with your sibling. Fun fact, both English teachers in that school are Rosannas, which confused me a bit these days.

DISCOVERING BOLOGNA

Finally, on my free Wednesday I got an opportunity to go to the centre. I remember my heartbeat when the bus no.13 entered the centre, it was fulfilling of a dream I made as a 13-year-old girl. I walked through Via d’Azeglio and found myself in Piazza Maggiore. Do you remember that scene from Home Alone, where Kevin realises he’s home alone and walks along screaming as crazy? It was me at the moment (but I screamed internally, don’t be scared). I entered Basilica (which I loved and I came back there several times, even twice on the same day). When I went out, I met Marie Claire. She was my guide that day, we had a great time as she showed me Bologna and its 6 secrets (google it). Later I was supposed to go on an AIESEC meeting (there were 2 meetings and Global Village). I continued my trip around city centre from Saturday till Monday, even if the weather wasn’t as great as on Wednesday. Also, on Saturday we spent a few hours “occupando Italia in un Irish pub” with other volunteers. On that day I discovered KIKO Milano, which is now my #1 makeup brand, I’m addicted to it, sorry if I’m a disappointment.

WEEK #2

I was about to write “Nothing interesting really happened”. But damn, I survived a power shortcut in one of the schools, I ate a true Italian pizza and gelato for the first time, I prepared 120 minutes of lesson in 5 minutes because the teacher was absent, I got engaged into “International Mother Tongue Day” organised by one of my schools, I bought a pair of beautiful shoes, I started to enjoy my new social life (volunteers, ily’all and miss y’all <3) and I managed to organise my first trip completely on my own. If that’s nothing then I don’t know what it is. Oh yes, my famous trips, or as I heard from some people “you have too much money”. Let’s remember the first one.

ROME

No matter how hard I try to overcome it, the very first thing I remember about Rome is the pain in my feet. If you’re ever in Rome, please children, don’t go there in brand-new shoes and try not to walk 21,5 km in a single day. As a true Polish, I will start with complaining. I waited 1,5h for a bus and it didn’t have a machine to buy tickets, as they have in Bologna (Bologna-Rome 1:0). On Saturday, despite not the best weather, I made a beautiful trip from Basilica Papale di Santa Maria Maggiore, through Colloseum, Forum Romanum, Altare della Patria, Palazzo Colonna, Fontanna di Trevi, Piazza Navona, Castel Sant’Angelo to the Vatican City and its museum (I have an illegal photo from Sistine Chapel, but shh). My friends volunteers, who also were in Rome, wanted me to go with them to Trastevere, but believe me, I was dying. The next day I did the check out before 8am and I enjoyed empty Rome on Sunday morning, it was amazing. I visited Trinità dei Monti. It was almost empty, @turbinis​ told me I was very lucky, so I will make you see how my luck looks like:

INDEED.IT.WAS.EMPTY.AND.ONE.HOUR.LATER.I.CAME.BACK.THERE.AND.IT.WAS.FULL.OF.PEOPLE.

WEEK #3

In one class there was a Polish boy. Whenever I saw him, he was yelling “CZEEEŚĆ” and whenever I told something about Poland all the children looked at him in the way “Do you confirm what she’s saying?” This week also brought me two great memories with my bro, Achille. He was sick and out of school and this week he was supposed to be back. He was a bit depressed and thought he would have to study all night. Oh, I forgot about the deep existential question he asked me two weeks before: “Have you ever loved someone on this Earth?”. Deep, you must admit. Another time, he was watching cartoons. When his cartoon ended, they started a cartoon for younger kids. He got offended, switched off the tv and took off the battery from the remote control, because “he won’t watch things for babies”. I remember that one day I became extremely hungry and the next day I went to Café Zamboni (coming back from Pinacoteca, which was amazing btw) and ate so much, that I could barely walk XD. I started realising that I want to go to Erasmus here. It was also a week of Sanremo, I remember with laugh how Athina tried to show her dad the performance of Achille Lauro and poor babbo was running away from her and her phone (I was team Gabbani, although now, when I’m writing this, I hear a loud “FAAAAAI RUMOOORE QUIIIII”). On Friday I got compliments from Rosanna and Rosanna for being a good teacher. They really liked how I had substituted Rosanna#1 the week before. Having my wings grown, I started my next trip, using Frecciarossa for the first time.

NAPLES

Although you may not believe it, it was the first time I had seen the sea. Moreover, I saw it for the first time in the same place as did Elena Greco in “L’amica geniale”, but I realised it a few weeks later. Getting out of the hostel, I went down Via Toledo, Galleria Umberto I, Castel Nuovo to Piazza del Plebiscito. I swear, I will fight anyone who says that Naples is dirty/ugly/both. Also, everyone was telling me about thieves, but somehow I didn’t get stolen. After I finished a gelato on Piazza, I went to the sea. It was one of the most beautiful feelings I’ve ever experienced. I thought “Screw all the sightseeing, you will do it tomorrow. Enjoy the sea today”, and so I did. I followed Lungomare all the time, passing along Castel dell’Ovo to the Mappatella beach. As it was the first time I saw the sea, the beach was also a whole new experience. Kids, never ever go to the beach in winter shoes, did you know? Because I didn’t. Probably I would watch a sunset there, but I got a bit scared with all those theft-stories and I was in the hostel before it got dark (I watched the sunset on Piazza del Plebiscito though). On Sunday I went from Santa Maria del Carmine, via Via San Biagio dei Librai and Via dei Tribunali to the Cathedral, Piazza Nazionale and train station. I arrived in Bologna at 11pm tired, but happy.

WEEK #4

In the middle of my stay, I moved to my second host family. At the beginning it was a bit weird (just like every time you change your life 180°). Everything changed the next evening, when I stayed home alone with my sisters and their nanny. We had a great time playing games and joking. Although I’m still ashamed that I lose in Mario, which was the game of MY childhood :C. That week another AIESEC meeting took place. Even two meetings, because on February, 14th there was a Global Village. It was a great event, even if I couldn’t enjoy it till the end, because the next day I had to wake up early. For the train. Btw, it was a Valentine’s Day, wasn’t it? I received some sweet cards from my students and it made my heart melt. After school we met with Marie Claire, who showed me something that now I miss a lot - tigelle.

FLORENCE

I woke up with a strong “oh shit” feeling. But as I realised I’m going to Florence, I got up and got ready in 20 minutes. Everyone was still sleeping, though I woke up Chiara when I tried to open the door. It was a cursed day for trains, I think. The train to Florence had too few wagons (I was assigned #9, but there were only 7, though they let me in) and the train from Florence was 40min delayed (I got into precisely on time I should get off in Bologna). I spent a wonderful day, mostly contemplating Il Duomo. Seriously, I took 42 photos of it, which makes almost a half of all photos taken in Florence. I can’t resist to put here at least one:

When I arrived to Ponte Vecchio, I saw a beautiful exhibition of jewelry. Really, it was so beautiful, that I couldn’t stop watching it. I even took a photo of it. As I started to continue my trip I said to myself “Magdalena, you will regret it till the end of your life!” So I came back and bought one bracelet. For 130€. Do I regret it? No. Would I regret if I hadn’t bought it? Yes. I will even show it to you.

One of the most important highlights is the visit to Capelle Medicee - if you ever go to Florence, go there, it costs only 2€ if you’re below 25 (or 26 idk). I enjoyed an amazing view from Giardini Boboli, saw another Neptun Fountain (like, Italians, aren’t you done with them yet???) and took a rest in front of Santa Croce. As a nice finish, I watched the sunset by the Cathedral.

WEEK #5

That Sunday (yes, now I start with Sunday, why not) Chiara woke me up early in the morning and we went to Matilde’s training (she plays rugby and btw Athina plays tennis and Carlotta does skating, I’m really proud of them). After the match (Matilde’s team won ofc) we went to Chiara’s parents. Oh my, I had never thought that people who had never seen me before would treat me as if I were their granddaughter, because that’s what I felt. I don’t remember if I ever had such a dinner, in such an atmosphere. I miss nonna’s tortellini, no one will ever prepare me better ones. In the evening, we played Dixit (a bit of Katowice flashback), the best game ever and don’t even try to say something different. Monday and Tuesday were the days of saying goodbye, since next week these days were supposed to be free. On Wednesday I spent a nice afternoon/evening with Heloísa, my Brasilian friend. We both didn’t know then that we will miss going out so much. On Thursday and on Friday I was a bit sick, I don’t know whether it was just a cold, a beginning of flu or covid-19, which everyone believes me to have had. Nevermind, on Saturday I was completely well.

SAN LUCA

San Luca is a sanctuary located on a hill near Bologna. You can go there on foot, through 666 “portici”. So did I with my host-mom Chiara and Carlotta. It was a beautiful, sunny day. I remember Carlotta running fast up the stairs and being tired when we went down. My sister has a big, pure heart. She gave her chocolate to a homeless man. Also, on that day she became my daughter. At least for the woman in the souvenir shop. (If you ask about Matilde, she was on a soccer game with her dad)

WEEK #6 HOW IT ALL COLLAPSED

Here, I should describe my last week in Italy. But I won’t.

It all started on Sunday morning. I had bought train tickets to Venice and Rimini a few days before. Chiara said “Do you know, there are more and more cases of coronavirus in Venice, in the evening there will be an official communicate. Consider not going there tomorrow”. All I said was “Okay.”. But really, I had no fear of this virus, I even thought I would take advantage of it, because panic means it will be less crowded, no? In the afternoon I went to the centre. In Piazza Maggiore, Via dell’Indipendenza and near the Two Towers people were celebrating the end of the carnival. As I don’t like crowded spaces, I went for a walk near Via San Vitale and Strada Maggiore. As the sun started to set, I decided to go back home. I received a message from AIESEC members that all schools in Emilia Romagna are closed. “A whole free week, cool” I thought. But as the new messages appeared I realised, that there would be no Venice tomorrow. They wrote “Please, don’t travel”. But then it was not my problem. I wanted to get into a bus, but somehow all the bus stops were empty. I had to go back on foot. Have I mentioned that I lived about 5 km from the centre? So, it was a long walk. As I walked, I tried to think what I would do for a whole week as probably the girls will go to grandparents’ and Chiara and Davide have their works. With Chiara we made a decision, I have to go back to Poland. We contacted a few members, about an hour later I had new bus tickets on my phone. We went to a supermarket, it was as if a war was coming. 5 minutes before closing the shop was full of people. And empty on shelves a few minutes later. At 10pm we drove to grandparents to leave the girls there. It was one of the hardest farewells in my life. You can ask why, they are not even your family. Maybe because I remember Carlotta’s words, when they both occupied the whole sofa and I asked “Oh, there’s no longer place for me, is there?” she answered “There will always be a place for you here”. Maybe because I remember Matilde’s head on my shoulder when we were on the way. Maybe because I remember how grandma treated me as her real granddaughter giving me some food and her confitures to Poland. Maybe because all these people showed me more familiar love and affection in these 5 weeks than I received from my real family. Maybe because they still text me asking how I’m doing. Maybe.

I stayed awake till 3am, making my suitcase and handbags. On Monday I went to school, which was closed, to make a closing meeting and to say goodbye to my first host-family. I went for a last coffee and pizza to my favourite restaurant nearby and came back home. I watched tv all the afternoon and had a farewell-pizza as a supper (2 pizzas in a day, very healthy, Magdalena). On Tuesday at 6am I was in a bus heading to Prague and then to Kraków. Instead of watching the sea in Rimini, I was watching some fields somewhere between Kraków and my town.

To make a happy end, it was the time of my life, I’d write something better here but it’s almost 1:30am when I write this, so sorry :C

[hardworkingplant]

August 30, 2019.

I can not believe tumblr hasn't posted this!! I took these at 3.50pm and shared but tumblr didn't!!!!

So today I did some vocabulary work because I have around 90 pages of homework..

All I needed was my pencil, eraser and red Sharpie so that I can check if I've answered right or not afterwards. Being a language student is hard but it's worth it since I love languages!

School is starting in 10 days which kind of stresses me but I seriously want it at the same time because if I get to have a single break from my work I get distracted so easily but with school and all those extra courses, I won't be able to be distracted this year!

Also I'll be staying in Ioannina for a week thanks to my school. My school has ERASMUS+ project and I passed the examinations with 100% so I got accepted!

I have been to Germany twice and I stayed in home crying because of my depression and anxiety disorder for 3 months and couldn't enjoy it so I'll kind of try my best to do whatever I want in Ioannina.

Wish me luck so my host will be somebody nice.

My DM box is open for all of you. you're loved.

[marigoesmedical]

my study diaries - day seven

Today was a very busy day and I'm pretty tired. I feel as if after my Erasmus I've lost my ability to focus, study hard and be motivated... It might still be the post erasmus depression which I've been struggling a lot with this semester.

I studied dermatology all day at the school library, because I have a practical evaluation tomorrow - I hope it goes well! On a brighter side, I listened to Disney songs while I studied and I also enjoyed my first ice cream this year 😍🍦

Then I had a (very boring) obligatory seminar about the Family Medicine internship that I'll do in the summer. 😴 Finally, I took the bus home which is always a great time to think about life and listen to good music. 🎶

[ao3feed-captiveprince]

The de Veres

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/2yeBxyb

by I_just_want_to_read_and_write

Auguste, Laurent and Nicaise de Vere are all admitted to Artes Mental Health Hospital after the truth of what had been happening under their Uncle's guardian care came out. Damen is a psychiatrist at the hospital and is determined to help them get their lives on track whether they want it or not. After a while, though, Damen realises he needs a different tactic to get through to Laurent.

Words: 1923, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English

Fandoms: Captive Prince - C. S. Pacat

Rating: Mature

Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage

Categories: M/M

Characters: Damen (Captive Prince), Laurent (Captive Prince), Auguste (Captive Prince), Nikandros (Captive Prince), Nicaise (Captive Prince), Jord (Captive Prince), Erasmus (Captive Prince), Pallas (Captive Prince), Lazar (Captive Prince), Aimeric (Captive Prince)

Relationships: Damen/Laurent (Captive Prince), Auguste & Damen (Captive Prince), Damen & Nicaise (Captive Prince), Laurent & Nikandros (Captive Prince), Lazar/Pallas (Captive Prince)

Additional Tags: Mental Health Issues, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Depression, Anxiety Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Auguste (Captive Prince) Lives

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/2yeBxyb

[laurent-ofvere]

Ugh, I don't know about Pet. I'm not at all interested in Ancel, but the real problem for me is that Ancel disappears after the first book. I could deal with a return to CP if the story also had post-KR scenes. But I can't see that happening with Ancel as the POV character. And I really don't care to see miserable, under the control of his abuser, Laurent and enslaved Damen in the last CP story.

i totally feel you on your reservations and i have them too (paschal i miss you) but here are my various PET/ancel thoughts:

i was lowkey bitter when charls was announced as the third pov bc i was like uhhh i don’t care but then once i read the snippet and got her angle i was like oooo yes and taoc saved my life

i don’t care for ancel myself, but we can see laurent in scenes without damen which is intriguing. and i know he’s generally this huge asshole in book 1 but it can be interesting to see how he’ll act when damen isn’t around and he’s not continuously like Fuck You. remember when erasmus said he was nice and came to speak with him and reassure him? we can maybe see some of that. maybe him talking to ancel and nicaise since nicaise appearances have been confirmed and they seemed to be friendly.

the prospect of going back to book 1 is terrifying and a large part of me is like WHAT THE FUCK PACAT but really, she’s not dumb. why would she leave the entire series off on a bitter, depressing note?? thats just not logical, and i don’t even mean that to reassure myself, its really just illogical. she must have some angle or something up her sleeve that when we read it we’ll be like “ohhh okay”

going off that, i firmly believe there will be a time jump or something like that. gbfas went between past and present so maybe this will be a present and future, showing how arles was fucked during that time from the pov of a pet and then future jumps will show how arles is now prospering with king laurent and his bae (married bae please god) from the pov of a pet who is now in a safer environment? i think the short stories gave us the vibe that akielos is doing okay but we never really got that with vere, and this can be it.

pacat said in a livestream that up in the air things between d and l will be addressed (damen’s back in tsp) she imagines that they will continue their undercover adventures (everything in taoc) and that she believes the pet system will remain intact but will be handled safer and better under the new rulership. if 2 of those things ended up happening, I’m sure the third will as well, which reinforces my thoughts that it will time jump and show us things in cp that we didn’t see or from a different angle that might surprise us, and then future vere where we can maybe see laurent as king and the way he (and damen His Canon Husband) have handled the pet system, since we saw the way they handled slavery in taoc.

idk man she said it will be 3 short stories unless something else is really alive to her and she wants to write it, and then she eventually decided on a fourth which means she had to have SOME crazy good idea that she just HAD to write. soooo ye a lot of me is like “pacat what the hell” but i also don’t think she would end off this amazing love story that we all love in a depressing way??? ANYWAYS IM SO ANNOYING HOW AM I STILL TALKING ABOUT THIS