#post cancelled now im torn

[tennessoui]

au where obi-wan is just havin a cup of tea and readin a bit of a book and anakin bursts into his quarters looking halfway to insane and blabbering absolute nonsense and then he just looks at obi-wan and says fuck it and kisses him before he storms back out 

meanwhile anakin’s been stuck in a time loop for ages now and he’s halfway to insane because no one remembers anything but him so what if just one day he gives into the urge to kiss/sleep with his master it’s just one time and no one else will remember it!!!

only for the time loop to break because of that kiss and the next day obi-wan is like ?? are we gonna talk about it??

and anakin (having burst in again, thinking this is another reset of the loop) is like ‘what, the fact that that romance novel is yours and not ahsoka’s?’

and obi-wan is like ‘nO (but it is ahsoka’s) im referring to the fact that you shoved your tongue down my throat this time yesterday!!’

[cator99]

I always get detained at da border because PROFUNC never ended but basically I'm like if a targeted individual didn't even care

[edenalieth]

A SPIDER-HAN STORY...

Words: 742 words, spiderverse!au Song rec: Sunflower by Post Malone & Swae Lee

A.N: hello hello! im back into my spiderverse era lately and who would be better than the han peter himself for a short story ? hope you will enjoy it! more is coming (hopefully...) soon :), maybe my very first full length jisung fic... who knows... — 240401

His limbs felt sore after his last fight. Massaging his left arm, he checked his body, looking for any important damage. Physical and material ones. He had been a bother for Mr.Stark… Endangering him because of his clumsiness. Thankfully, his mentor had more experience, knew how to keep his composure and perfectly controlled his equipment. However, the silent treatment the youngest had received couldn’t be mistaken. Mr.Stark was mad at him.

Jisung sighed loudly, pacing the rooftop of a building, as the scenes of the fight kept looping in his mind. Every single mistakes he had made were becoming clear and he couldn’t help but think that he had been fucking stupid to do such things. He just wanted to impress his role model, prove him that he was worth of his trust and that he could help on a bigger scale. Not just run after simple thieves or rescue Mrs.Yoon’s cat from a bad fall. He sighed again, head between his hands, fingers entangled in his hair. He looked at his mask, already torn here and there. Was he enough to call himself a hero ? A mix of guilt and shame was compressing his chest, the raging buzz of the city under making his head spin, his breathing getting quicker and chaotic. He couldn’t even hear himself think anymore. He clenched and unclenched his fists repeatedly, fighting the urge to punch onto something, anything. He had to calm down. Grabbing his crossbody bag, he threw it over his chest and shoulders and pulled down his mask. He checked that everything was correctly settled before putting his headphone over his covered ears. Deep breath. The downtown kept growling, like a beast, hidden by the high walls of the buildings and skyscrapers which were looking like claws. Again, his legs started to move. His steps were echoing on the asphalt. Faster, he thought to himself, pushing his muscles into their limits, his small strides turning into sprint. Soon, his feet met the edge of the roof, a swift jump over it, his eyes being dazzled by the tremendous city lights. He opened his arms, diving into the void beneath him. His fingers met the button on the side of his headphone, turning on the noise cancelling feature, finally finding peace. He shut his eyes close, enjoying the sensation he once feared which now felt like his only escape from his amazing yet stressful life as Spider-Man. When he began his late night strolls, he wasn’t going too far nor too high, yet unsure of his web shooters and of the distance separating him from the walls and ground. Not long after, it became his routine, his haven. 

Air was molding around him, like a blanket. He only opened his eyes when his spidey-sense warned him to do so. Smoothly, he shot a web on the nearest wall and started to swing from building to building. Jumping, letting himself free fall for a bit, clinging on a window, keep going. He even found himself chuckling while doing so. What a thrill… His relaxing time was cut short when he felt something buzzing inside his bag. Right after, he opened it and grabbed his phone, not noticing that several things were falling along the way… The screen softly lit up. A picture of him, his best friend Seungmin and you, appearing on it. He had three miss called. Two of his aunt and one from you. That was kind of rare and his heart skipped a beat. It was useless trying to deny the fact that he had a longtime crush on you. You became friends the second year of high school, creating a fine trio with Seungmin. Since then, you had never stopped to amaze him by your mind and beauty. In a blink of an eye, he perched himself on the fence of some emergency stairs and tapped on your name. Few ringtones. 

- You’re finally calling me back ! What took you so long ? Anyway, just wa-

His ears were welcomed by the soft tone of your voice despite your fake annoyed state. He was smiling to himself, holding his phone tenderly, swaying his feet in the air. Maybe one day he would be able to confess to you, to tell you all about this, to make you come along his little strolls. However, for that wish to become true, he had to be worthy of the title named: hero.

[ventcode]

And that’s why i’m giving up on life.

First I was born when they didn’t even want me

Seriously why give birth if you won’t give a shit about me?

My brother never cared either, maybe he acted so but it’s different now

Underfed, no attention towards me. How come they always treated my brother positively??

Second I was given a phone before I hit my teens

Many called me lucky, I never got their reason as to why.

That’s something damaging don’t you see?

I’ve had the same social for years. They all love me so!

Every post lately gets more concerning, but every follower of mine is blind

Third I was bullied as soon as I started my shitty education

The teachers, the students, nobody cared for me.

Not like that mattered, I taught myself to fight

They never bothered directly me after that, but the rumors that still spread are enough to get me mad.

You all deserve hell.

Fourth my friend group doesn’t give any fucks about me

They invite me to the danger, in which I let yet none are near to save

They never ask about my wellness, don’t act like true friends at all

Is this what it’s like to have fun?

Fifth I started to slowly lose my care

Behind on schoolwork, I always slept in class

I don’t take care of myself, who cares, I started vaping

I started cutting, the pain suits me if i’m such a painful person

I wore noise cancellers to stop everyones shitty voice

Who cares what you’re saying to me, fuck off and leave me alone, I know you don’t care

I don’t care what you think of me either, if im nice or a bitch that’s your opinion

Shut up either way.

I should’ve never transferred here.

Sixth i’m so close to dying anyways

A knife up to my throat for fun, for all my friends to see

This is all the fun, the thrill of the moment

Dunking my head into the pool until im unable to breathe

Overdosing too close to the dying point!

It’s so much fun, I wish it’d work already!!

Seventh im almost done, but in all i’m just tired

I don’t want anyone to become as I did, a cold and useless person

It’s too much for me to live at this point, I’m getting tired of all of you

I’ll never forgive you until the day this all ends

It’s painful everyday, I can’t keep living on like this

I’ve had enough fun, it was never fun in the first place

I grab my scissors and cut my hair short

Eighth and final reason, we all die anyways

I just want mine to end earlier

This life is boring

This reason is the same as the last, I’ll just shove it in your face

And no, you don’t understand what I've been through, you aren’t me

I’ve been through every worst possible thing, the things I’ve encountered

I’ve been used for others joy, clothes are kinda torn

I’ve been spiraling away, nobody cared

Compared to the last, never as good as my brother

Always finding new ways to feel pain and have as much fun as I can before I die

But there’s nothing for me to live for now

And that’s why i’m giving up on life!

I finish writing down all my notes for everyone to read

I head to my favorite spot and

Don’t end up like me, please.

With that I bid farewell drenched in gasoline

[leomitchellart]

So… about this latest Inktober controversy….

Time to begrudgingly chuck in my two penneth… (Remeber you can always press “J” to skip this post altogether)

As most of you may or may not know, Alphonso Dunn released a Youtube video wherein he publicly accused Jake Parker, and creator of the Inktober challenge, of plagiarising his book. Both of these men are public figures, artists specialising in pen & ink. In the video Dunn looks at the preview pages and flip through footage of Parker’s “Inktober All Year Round” and says they draw many similarities in the illustrations, language and layout that he used in his own book, “Pen & Ink Drawing”. Parker’s book was set to this month. Hense why Dunn only used footage and not a physical copy.

Since the video’s release, the art community has been very spilt down the middle. The book’s publisher has halted the launch of Parker’s book until the matter can be investigated. Even DeviantArt cancelled their own Inktober event thing (I’ll admit I don’t keep up with these things DA keeps doing). Parker has since released a statement in the matter. Now it’s up to the courts to decide what’s happening next. The video itself is an hour long, but it’s crucial to see it yourself. 

People are, understandably, outraged after seeing it. This seems like a shitty thing to rip-off Dunn - not to mention stupid. Since Dunn is the more popular pen & ink artist with more social media followers and name recognition. Many have called to boycott inktober and condemn Parker. I’ll admit, I was right alongside them at first, at least for feeling outraged. The similarities are there. But if YMS’s Kimba video has taught me anything, it’s that, even if an accusation of plagiarism may be obvious at a cursory glance, sometimes it’s important to take a more critical eye and do more research to learn that things aren’t as cut and dry as they first seem. If there’s a lesson I can take away from the internet as a whole, it’s that no one thinks about the consequences of mob mentality.

The most common defence of Parker is that because they’re both books about pen and ink drawing, then they’re inevitably going to be similar. I’ll admit that, when you pick-up so many art books, a lot of them will cover the same basic grounds of materials, tutorials, strokes, techniques etc. The parts about rendering textures on spheres and cubes isnt new. Look up “texture study” and you’ll see so many examples of artists rendering these kinds of things digitally. I’ve also noticed a common theme of people more formally educated in art pointing out how none of these are original. Everything down to the steps and illustrations are things they’ve learned from years ago. Since I'm a pen & ink artist, inspired by my love of comics, I have quite a few books about inking: Dunn’s included. I own both his books and still highly recommend them. I didn't even preorder Parker’s book. Ironically because I didn't think it could offer anything new that my other books hadn’t already.

While Ethan Becker took the time to cross-examine Dunn and Parker’s books with several others, there weren’t many of the ones I actually owned. So I looked to my shelves to see what I could find. Books like:

“The Art of Comic Book Inking” by Gary Martin & Steve Rude

“How Comics Work” by Dave Gibbons & Tim Pilcher

“The DC Comics guide to Inking Comics” by Klaus Janson

“Making Comics” by Scott McCloud

“Stan Lee’s How to Draw Comics”

I’m sure there’s plenty more examples out there. I was planning to go through all of these and take pictures. But ultimately that’s not the core point of these post. Plus it would’ve taken WAY too long and this post itself, is long enough.

Of course, none of the them are 100% close to Dunn’s in the way they’re displayed. Not as close as Parker’s could be considered. That being said, I know Dunn is trying to claim that he invented these techniques. The nucleus of the issue is how similar they are in terms of order and how these pages are displayed. Some I can chock-up to standard practice, while others seem more coincidental.

If there’s one thing I’m adamant about, it’s that I think that Dunn should’ve messaged Parker first before making the accusation public. Some try to dispute that this would've made it easier for Dunn to be “silenced”, whatever that means; but that sounds a bit conspiratorial to me. Ideally, you confront him about it in private, if he makes any threats or blows you off, get your lawyer on the phone and then make the video. Not only is it the more civil thing to do - but it’s the smarter thing to do. This is a serious legal matter, not just internet drama. While I’m sure Dunn had no intention of tearing Parker down or getting a mob onto him, that’s unfortunately what’s happened. A backlash both from the general artisan community and several companies. Wherein it was left to Parker himself to make this an official legal matter. If Parker’s found not guilty, then this could easily leave the gate open for him to sue Dunn for damages, loss of revenue, defamation of character or whatever else, should he see fit. As could the publishers, given how this affected their sales. Companies responded to the accusation of the video alone, before an investigation could be launched. Sure, it wouldn't be “acting the bigger man” but he’d be well within his right to do it. Dunn showed that Jake has mentioned him before, shown admiration for his career and referenced him in other posts. If it comes to light in court, that Dunn is even cited as an inspiration or source in the book itself, then it’s case closed. 

Then there’s the other possibility that Parker might not have done this on his own, but that he has a team behind the book. If that’s the case, the most I can accuse Parker of is being a hack. I worry Dunn has kneecapped himself for just how badly he’s handled this situation. Made worse by him not having an actual physical copy to assess and just had footage of preview pages to go on. So far, the circumstances don’t seem on his favour. 

I don’t think ill of Dunn. I do think he believes he’s been wronged and no malice in his intentions. I just think he’s made some critical errors on how to handled this. As for Parker himself, I couldn't give a donkey’s doo-dah about him. I’m sure you could accuse me of playing devil’s advocate earlier, but to me, he was the guy who released the annual prompt list. If it really does turn out that he’s a plagiarist and had malicious intent, then fuck ‘im. I never regarded him as an inspiration of mine or paid much attention to him outside of that. It was the community that made Inktober what it is. I’ve never met Parker. Maybe he’s a cool guy? Maybe he’s a bellend? I don’t know.

Granted this isn't the first time Parker has proved himself to be a controversial figure: - Last year people were upset about him trademarking (not copywriting, as many have erroneously claimed) the word “Inktober” and some artists were stopped from selling their related work or zines. Parker would issue a statement: claiming the takedowns were a mistake of “overzealous lawyers” and it’s just a matter of the logo being trademarked. People can sell their Inktober works and even mention they are Inktober-related. Just not use the official logo. On the one hand, from a business standpoint, I get it. It’s the bare minimum you need to do to protect your IP, especially when you have a store. BUT, like most people, I don’t like how, what’s intended as a community challenge, has slowly become more of a brand associated with one man. Hardly a surprise it left a bad taste in so many people’s mouths. But, since it doesn't actually effect anyone’s ability to take part in the challenge, outside of personal principle, I went ahead with it the previous year. 

 - The year before, when asked if one can do Inktober digitally, Parker said the following:

I know some are still bitter about that, but speaking as someone who inks traditionally and digitally, this came across as needless whinging and blowing things out of proportion. Claiming that Jake had derided digital artists and said they were invalid etc etc. Take it from me, challenging yourself to try out different methods to ink traditionally can greatly improve the work you do digitally. It’s like how learning traditional fundamentals of art can still be applied to digital. Plus he never said “No.” he just gave valid reasons about how it makes it a different experience. That said, if you’re someone who can’t afford any kind of inking equipment or pens and only have a selected application to draw on - then none of this applies to you. Just the aforementioned few who took it upon themselves to get angry over nothing. Recently I’ve heard from subscribers of his newsletter that he’s now embraced the idea of people doing inktober digitally, to the point of selling digital brushes for inktober. I’m sure some will call this “backsliding” or “money grubbing” because people aren’t allowed to change their minds or update their statements.

For weeks I’ve been torn on what to do, not being able to solidify one stance over another. One minute I thought #JusticeForAlphonsoDunn then I wonder “Wait maybe I should look again?” to “But wait, those are way too similar!” Having splinters in my arse from sitting on the fence for so long. The longer this went on, however, I began to realise that I can’t take one stance over another. This case is far too muddy and complicated. I don’t have enough sufficient knowledge or evidence. Nor do any of you. We literally only have Dunn’s video to go on. While it’s a good start, it’s not enough to be taken 100% as gospel when it’s the only thing to hand. 

As previously mentioned, a lot of artists have decided to not take part in Inktober at all, or follow different prompt lists. That’s completely fine. A lot of them are based around a specific theme: halloween, kinky stuff, bears, transformers, OCs, Disney or whatever. That has massive appeal. I just can’d do it myself. I prefer the focus on random words, rather than all centred on a single subject; allowing me to be creative with my ideas and execution. I actually did try to make a list of my own random words. Problem is, I worried that because I was choosing my own, I might be subconsciously bias towards certain prompts and not truly challenging myself. Even narrowing down my options was taking too long. In the end…. I’ve decided to just do the official prompts again this year.

For me, that’s what it ultimately came down to. TIME. It’s the middle of September. I can’t afford to wait for the court case to be settled. No other prominent artists I respect have released their own prompt lists. I know there’s been some shitty people who are condemning this choice. Attacking others, accusing them of supporting plagiarism, looking to block anyone who does the official prompts. Even trying to make this a racial issue. Just…. no. 

If someone doesn’t want to take part in Inktober, that’s fine. If someone wants to do the official prompts, that’s fine. If someone wants to do their own prompts, that’s fine.

Don’t go around aggressively making snap judgements or accusing people of taking a side. Do whatever makes you feel comfortable. This has been a shit year, let people enjoy something.

If you look at this situation and it makes you feel angry, and you don’t feel comfortable in taking part in a challenge because of it’s creator. I get that, I literally get that. It’s why I haven't done Mermay. And please don’t mention Pinktober, I’m aware of it, but given his insta video on the subject and the things he said, I quickly came to the conclusion that I can’t take this person seriously. I’m sure this might make me seem hypocritical, but how this differs, if only for me, is the sheer amount Inktober means to me. It’s more than a simple challenge. Inktober's the one thing I’ve been most excited about all year. As it was ruined for me in 2019, when I lost my home and I didn't get to complete every prompt. (Long story, I’m okay now). As we all know, 2020, has been an AWFUL year. We’ve got to take whatever joy we can. As I’ve looked longer at the official prompts, I found ideas I’m really excited for. 

Once I started to really dedicate myself to it, it became a massive event. I hype myself up as I prepare for the busy month. Buy in supplies, clean the house and workspace, cook and freeze meals in bulk to save time, printing off a sheet that allows me to jot down ideas as I plan ahead.  Then once it’s done, after so much work, it makes the reward all the sweeter: Ordering a takeaway, celebrating a great halloween night and still rocking those vibes throughout November. Feeling proud of myself for doing it and seeing myself improve my technique, discipline and earning a few lie-ins to make up for the sleep I lost working. I’m like a kid waiting for Christmas. That said, don’t think that there’s something wrong with you when you understandably can’t dedicate that amount time for a simple art challenge. If anything that’s plenty of reason to why you’re smarter than me. You have a life and don’t push yourself too much.

Now, I need to crack on with the preparations. If you want to boycott Jake Parker, just not buying any of his products should be enough. Doing the inktober challenge doesn't bring attention to him, as I doubt most people even know him as the creator, nor does it even line his pockets. I just hate how cancel culture can do such serious damage like this and then try and put pressure on others to act accordingly without even doing any research themselves. 

As long as you’re not harassing anybody. Just do what YOU want to do. That’s fine. 

[filmnoirsbian]

saw another post about how jennifer lawrence basically got cancelled for being messy and loving food but now robert pattison is being worshiped for it and i think it sums up how tumblr treats female vs male celebrity's tbh. She was torn apart for having a 'relatable' routine going but it was still far more toned down than half of what rob pat does now and is adored over for. no offence to him but full offence to half of tumblr lmao

Jennifer lawrence has her own issues which im not gonna go into but tbqfh we need to stop romanticizing/glorifying celebrities completely......like its fine to admire an artist's work but it just never seems to end at a healthy admiration, it always turns into this deifying & dehumanization

[pbandjesse]

Today was a lot. But Im sitting in the dungeon with James and our friends and they are playing video games and while James yelled at me for interrupting him in his one game, I am having a much better time. But I am tired. 

We got woken up at 6am because sweetP pulled a plant down and made a huge noise and mess. It was real distressing. And James was super upset. We cleaned it up and he couldnt sleep anymore but I was super tired. So I tried to keep sleeping but he left the fishtank light on so I was slightly distressed. But It was all good. I got a little more rest and didnt feel to horrible. 

I wasnt 100% but I wasnt so bad anymore. My belly kept rolling and that wasnt fun. And I was pretty disoriented but I really needed to go to work. 

James was super sweet and gave me a present for my birthday. That foraging bag I had posted about a little while ago. And I was so excited. He has been getting me the nicest things and I love him so much. 

He had to go to work though and I got to enjoy my morning. I made an omelet and got back in bed to be cuddly. I didnt feel great but I was comfy and that was nice. 

I sort of wanted to sleep but instead I just chilled and enjoyed videos and packed my lunch. I used my new foreging bag and that was cool. I was going to leave later but I needed to go and buy tape for the kids so off I went. 

It was rainier then I thought but I felt real cute and that was all that mattered really. I drove out to the store but had no luck at the dollar store. I was frustrated but I was like. Its cool Ill go over to rite aid. Where they didnt have tape either?? Frustraiting. 

I went to the car and texted Marcus that I would come pick him up. And when I got to him I realized my foreging bag was gone?? Just straight up gone. I was like. What. So we drove back to the parking lot to see if I dropped it or something??? I couldnt find it anywhere. I thought maybe I dropped it in the rite aid and the manager was nice enough to go look at the cameras and I had it when I left the store. So I somehow dropped in between the front door and the car. And in the 10 minutes it took me to get bcak someone must have picked me it. I was pretty devistaited. Like James just gave it to me and I lost it. And I was trying very hard to hold it together but I was still feeling off and now I felt horrible and was shaking and on the verge of a panic. And Marcus helped me calm down but I felt so stupid. Like I just got this thing I was so excited about and now it was gone. And it really is gone. I am super super upset and it just made me feel so stupid. Like I just have this voice in my head calling me stupid and I feel really torn up about it. James isnt mad at me, he's upset that Im upset. But I still really feel bad about it.

And I lost my lunch. That bag had the scone James made me and a kiwi and my lunch. And  I was just super upset in the background for the whole day and now. 

This week has been a lot for me emotionally and its my birthday week but I am just feeling super low. Half sick and sad and everything feels like its falling apart all the time. But even though I was really upset I wanted to be with my kids. And they were all really happy to see me. 

I got many hugs and that was nice. They were concerned about how hot I felt but it was because I was upset not because I was sick still. Just a little off. Like at one point I was literally texting James and Marcus asked me something about my phone and I was like. I dont actually know where my phone is. As im texing on it. I legit didnt realize for a moment. It was kind of scary. But I made it through the day. 

I got some kids to stay behind and do homework so I didnt have to run around outside. And art time was real good but they were to loud. Which made it hard on everyone. So we had to calm down and clean and I canceled vocab and restarted the list because people keep crossing people off. So I restarted that. I try my best. 

I gave Marcus a ride home. And got back here and got comfy. And soon James was home. And we were waiting for friends. And now they are here and we are having pizza and my allergies are kind of bad and I am tired. But its a nice way to end the day even if Im still feeling really really torn up emotionally. So maybe I will get some good sleep tonight and tomorrow is a long day but I am hoping I feel okay. I just wish I didnt feel so sad, but I am feeling really alone inside. 

I hope you all are doing well though. Get some good sleep. Goodnight. 

[madisonrooney]

well it was fun while it lasted

and so ends the year where i was constantly aware of when id next see dove

early 2016-mid 2017 i ALWAYS knew when i’d next see her, and i got a little too used to the feeling. i first met her in summer 2015 and i considered myself lucky to have that chance at all, even getting in that wasnt easy, and i didnt really think about every getting to meet her again cuz i just...didnt think i could. i moved out to california a couple weeks later and began to learn about all the opportunities it had for me. once liv and maddie got renewed for season 4, my friend and i are like lets just go to every taping and im like yah theres...no reason we cant? so i expected to get to see her p much every week for a number of months and i was ecstatic. then most of the tapings got cancelled one by one (or two by two at most) and every couple weeks id get my hopes up only for them to be torn down again. (also the tickets may have been free but getting them was not easy! you had to refresh the website for like 2 hours!) it hurt me every time but it taught me to not get my hopes up too high in the future. ofc, i still treasured every time i had with her, but i did even more so after going through that.

after mamma mia in summer 2017, i had no idea when id see her again and for that and some other reasons i had a major relapse the night after. i was def posting about it on here. that was miserable and the coming days, weeks, months, were rough too.

i got a random chance to meet her at the end of that year, then another early in 2018. these, ofc, lifted my spirits a lot and gave me more hope of the fact that random encounters with her can happen. and when i say random i mean RANDOM both of these were announced like a week in advance.

clueless put me back on the path id been on in years past. shortly before it, i got tix for light in the piazza in london, so i knew even after clueless, id see her again in 7 months, plus that gave me a LONG time to look forward to seeing her. disney channel fan fest ended up happening in between those to make it even better, and then shortly before london, i got my tix to see the show in LA, extending the period four more months.

but now its over. light in the piazza is behind me. i knew this day was coming and ive been through it before so its easier to deal with than it used to be but its still hard. especially because after mamma mia, even tho d3 wasnt confirmed, it was still likely, so i had hope that that would lead to more events and encounters soon enough. now i dont have anything like that to lean on.

the more that i think of it, this period has technically lasted longer than a year. d3 being announced in february 2018 basically signified id see her again soon. it didnt confirm it but it made it more likely. so its more like....the last almost TWO years of my life are over. yeesh.

but now that both lam and descendants are behind us, the future is so uncertain. album signings? concerts? more musicals? no one really knows. i wanna hope for the best and especially hope for more random encounters like in 2017/18, but i dont wanna rely on that and get disappointed if it doesnt happen.

i hate sounding like im entitled to any of this because i know how fortunate i am and that not everyone gets these opportunities. like i said, meeting her for the first time was beyond my wildest dreams. but for one thing, i just dont know what to look forward to now. to add on to it, ive been MAJORLY bored and lonely. ill have days upon days with no plans. i just sleep, dont leave the house, and have no social interaction. i dont like it that way and i try to make plans but it isnt always that easy. ever since i was little, ive thrived on having some big thing to look forward to. thats whats pushed me forward, but now i dont really have one. not dove or otherwise. i have some things im looking forward to, but only so big and only so soon. (my mom reminds me to remember that were going to NYC soon but it feels so far away. i need my Boys to heal me lol)

for another thing, and im probably worrying too much about this, i worry that if too much time passes between us seeing each other our relationship may fade away/she may forget me. ive been proven wrong about this before. weve gone like...8 months without seeing each other and not only does she remember me but she can spot me in a crowd/remember details about me/etc. but i always worry regardless, especially since its already been almost 6 months since we last interacted. and who knows how many more months it will be.

and lastly, the pain of the tapings getting cancelled still really hasn’t gone away. think about it, i STILL haven’t reached the amount of times i would have met her by summer 2016 had none of the tapings been cancelled or been overbooked. and its been THREE YEARS! the way it was organized was so shoddy and never felt fair to me. i get it, things get cancelled sometimes, but this was just out of control.

not only do i not know when ill see her next we dont even know when were getting any new content out of her. thats what ive been living on for 5 years. i had LAM and even after it ended i had descendants. now i dont know what i have. and all of that has become such a big part of who i am that i feel almost lost.

ill be starting work at the beginning of next year so at least i have a new chapter in my life to look forward to, one with significantly fewer boring days and plenty more social interaction. but the time between then and now is dragging on, and it’s only going to get harder now.

[aro-attorneys]

i got super invested in my dnd character and his backstory so now im torn between posting ANOTHER pen sketch of him instead of drawing something e- nvm thought process cancelled my blog my content

[tskumoyuuma]

cause tumblrs a Bitch im remaking this post on my computer so ill be able to edit it later on, but this is basically a reference for how much time passes in each warriors book, primarily based on how many gatherings r shown. will add on later

into the wild: ~3 moons. evidence: firepaw joins the clan, the next night is a gathering (gathering 0). we get a timeskip, saying it’s been “more than two moons” since firepaw joined tc. this means there have been two gatherings not shown (gathering 1 + 2). a gathering soon happens after this timeskip (gathering 3), which means that a total of 3 moons have passed. this makes firepaw ~9 moons old at the end of the book, since it’s been stated he n graypaw barely saw six moons when they first met

fire n ice: ~3 or 4 moons. book starts off where last one ended, but a timeskip happens in the middle if the first chap. we learn that a gathering is happening (gathering 4), so around a moon has passed. at this gathering, the clans agree to bring windclan back, which they do. towards the end of the book we learn that a gathering (gathering 5) was canceled because of rain. fireheart meets onewhisker again after two moons at the gathering after that (gathering 6). in the first chapter of forest of secrets, we learn the last chapter of fire n ice takes place three days before the next gathering (gathering 7). almost 3 moons have passed, but if u count the beginning of the first chap almost 4 moons pass. this makes fireheart ~13 moons old at the end of the book

forest of secrets: ~1.5 moons. first chapter starts off with a gathering (gathering 7). many things happen and towards the end we have the next gathering (gathering 8) where its revealed to the clans that thunderclan has brokentail. silverstream has her kits n dies, then cinderpaw becomes a medicine cat apprentice by going to the moonstone during the half moon. the next day tigerclaw leads the attack on thunderclan w rogues, but is caught trying to kill bluestar n is banished. this means 1.5 moons pass, making fireheart ~14.5 moons old

rising storm: ~1.5 moons. a gathering happens (gathering 9) a few chapters in. the fire happens near the end of the book, then the gathering where tigerclaw is revealed to be shadowclans new leader happens (gathering 10), ending the book. around 1.5 moons pass, making fireheart ~16 moons old

a dangerous path: ~2 moons. begins with the tigerstar gathering (gathering 10). a half moon passes as cinderpelt goes to her first medicine cat meeting by herself. snowkit is taken away by the hawk, and the next gathering happens (gathering 11). swiftpaw dies n brightpaw is injured in the fight w dogs, and another gatherings occurs (gathering 12). its now been a year since fireheart joined thunderclan. they drive the dogs out, but bluestar dies in the process. 2 moons pass, making fireheart ~18 moons old

the darkest hour: ~1 moon. fireheart becomes firestar and makes whitestorm his deputy. the next gathering takes place (gathering 13) where tigerstar asks thunderclan and windclan to join the new tigerclan. stonefur is killed, tawnypaw joins tigerstar, n gorsepaw is killed. tallstar n firestar confront tigerstar. scourge appears, kills tigerstar, n gives the clans three days to decide if they fight bloodclan or not. they decide to fight, the clans win, and graystripe becomes the new deputy. only 1 moon passed n at the end of the prophecies begin arc firestar is ~19 moons old

time skips between arcs is a little tricky...

firestar’s quest: ~2 or 5 moons. this book begins in greenleaf. going by this timeline, the end of darkest hour would be the beginning of greenleaf, when it was actually leafbare in the canon book. looking at the canon books, this means its a half year timeskip in between the canon books. if we switch the seasons (darkest hour being set in greenleaf n this book in leafbare), it would make sense regarding this timeline. a time skip of a half year would also make sense regarding ages. the book opens w bramblepaw becoming a warrior. going w my assumption that a usual apprenticeship lasts around 6 moons, a half year would fit this perfectly. this is because bramblepaw is born somewhere around (gathering 7) in forest of secrets, making him a new apprentice in the darkest hour (gathering 13). so, when the first gathering is shown at the beginning of the book, this is (gathering 19). longtails eyes get scratched, willowpelt dies, n fire n sand start their journey to remake skyclan. when they arrive at the gorge, they wait to meet ‘moony’ during the full moon (technical gathering 20, makes me wanna kno what tc did that gathering when fire coudnt show up..). lots of cats join skyclan n they have their first real gathering (gathering 21, has a rumor spread thru the forest that fire is dead ? hasnt been spotted in two moons now). skyclan fights the rats, leafstar gets her nine lives, n fire n sand finally go back to tc. epilogue where squirrel n leaf r born happens three moons after returning, so (gatherings 22 to 24) have gone by. not including the epilogue, two moons pass in this book, but including it means five moons have passed. at the end of the book firestar is ~30 moons

midnight: ~1 moon. according to the wikia which is based off of the canon seasons, 18 moons have passed from darkest hour to this book. this makes sense to me regarding the ages so I'm keeping it that way, which means this book happens 7 moons after firestars quest, making the first gathering shown (gathering 31). the chosen meet up at the half moon. they then leave for their journey. a half moon med cat meeting is held shortly after they leave. the next gathering (gathering 32) occurs after tawnypelt gets her rat bite. the chosen cats meet midnight, the forest starts getting torn down, n the book ends. around a moon passes, so brambleclaw is ~25 moons old n squirrelpaw is ~8 moons

moonrise: ~ .5 moons. many chapters in we have a half moon meeting. this is around when stormfur is held prisoner in the tribe. lots of things happen, mainly that feathertail dies, then the book ends. only like, .5 moons pass n there are no gatherings. brambleclaw = 25.5 moons, squirrelpaw = 8.5 moons

dawn: ~ .5 moons ?? its... very hard to know how much time passes in this book because the forest is destroyed so they cant hold regular gatherings. but considering that leafpaw mentions to stoneteller towards the end of the book about gatherings, it can be safe to say that a gathering (gathering 33 ?) would have occurred then. since theres no other mention of the moons phase (that I can tell from the wikia chapter summaries cause I dont have this book), only .. .5 moons pass ?? maybe. brambleclaw = 26 moons, squirrelpaw = 9 moons (this is where the bramblesquirrel love confession happens ..... yike). will prob update this when / if I reread this book for more accurate info. so far this arc has had only .. 2 moons pass maybe. first arc had 8.5 moons pass by the end of book 3 for comparison

starlight: ~.5 moons. squirrelpaw becomes a warrior, tallstar dies, clans find their own territories. leafpaw finds the moonpool in time for the half moon, where she gets her full name. mudclaw leads his rebellion against onewhisker, but loses. so.. another book w around .5 moons passing ? brambleclaw = 26.5 moons, squirrelflight -= 9.5 moons (good to kno shes following in her fathers footsteps in becoming a warrior early)

twilight: ~1 moon. finally a real gathering (gathering 34) happens. they do it on the island. a little later another half moon meeting happens. leafpool feels left out from .. basically everything, so she runs away w crowfeather, but they come back when they find out badgers are attacking tc. just a moon passes, but hey its finally more than .5 moons. brambleclaw = 27.5 moons squirrelflight = 10.5 moons

sunset: ~1 moon. a half moon meeting happens. then the next gathering (gathering 35) happens. brambleclaw is made deputy when firestar finally accepts graystripe may never come back. another half moon meeting happens and leafpool helps guide willowpaw to starclan. hawkfrost traps firestar in the fox trap, but brambleclaw refuses to kill him and kills hawkfrost instead. 1 moon passes, making brambleclaw 28.5 moons n squirrelflight 11.5 moons, thus ending the new prophecy books. only 4.5 moons pass from midnight to this book, compared to the first arcs 13 moons

leafpools wish: no real time passes, but i wanna mention this book cause it takes place after sunset n leafpool gives birth to holly lion n jay. ill say this happens a half moon after sunset ends (around gathering 36) to make their ages rounded. the trio = 0 moons old

the sight: ~1 moon. a few chapters in the trio become apprentices, meaning 6 moons (gatherings 37 - 41) have passed since being born in leafpools wish. the trios first gathering (gathering 42) happens but jaypaw doesnt go as punishment for wandering onto wc territory. graystripe shows up w millie. hollypaw n jaypaw switch their duties. half moon meeting happens. another gathering happens (gathering 43). tc hosts a ‘daylight gathering’ but it ends w lionpaw n breezepaw trapped in a badger set, which jawpaw helps free them out of. 1 moon passes n the trio are 7 moons old

dark river: ~2 moons. first chap is the trio going to their first gathering all together (gathering 44) where tigerkits birth is announced. holly n cinder find out lion n heather have been meeting in secret. jay n leaf go the moonpool. jay finds The Stick. millie keeps her kittypet name n cinder breaks her leg. lion meets tigerstar n hawkfrost for the first time after a meeting w heather. next gathering (gathering 45) happens n all of rc is on the island. holly goes to rc to see what's the matter but becomes a prisoner instead. lion breaks up w heather. wc loses kits but the trio + heather n breeze find them n bring them back before tc n wc could fight. two moons pass n the trio are ~9 moons old

outcast: ~1 moon. few chapters in jaypaw goes to a half moon meeting where mothwing is sick. talon n night of the tribe arrive at tc asking for help w rouges. the trio plus the og journey cats go (oh yea also breezepaws there). then good ol purdy joins the group just until the mountains where he heads back. most of the tribe including stoneteller is convinced they will be destroyed by the attacking rouges but r convinced to fight anyways w the clan cats training the tribe cats. the final attack is scheduled for the full moon (gathering 46). they win the fight n cause lion is only covered in other cats blood w no injuries to himself, jay has to explain the prophecy to him n holly. a moon passes n the trio = 10 moons.

eclipse: ~1 moon. the clan cats return home w stormfur n brook staying behind. half moon meeting happens n willowpaw becomes willowshine. sol appears n says the suns gonna go out. wc attacks tc w rc, holly goes to recruit sc. battle ends cause eclipse happens. the trio go find sol cause hey maybe he can help w the prophecy, he agrees to mentor them all. theyr caught by a sc patrol n sol stays in sc. next gathering happens (gathering 47) n only blackstar n sol show up claiming sc isnt going to come anymore n doesnt believe in starclan. lion holly n cinder become warriors. another one moon book w the trio being ~11 moons (so close to them being made warriors at the right age ..)

long shadows: ~1 moon. jaypaw goes to the half moon meeting alone so leafpool can take care of the sick cats at home. the trio plus tawnypelts kits help trick sc into believing starclan again n blackstar kicks sol out. jay meets fallen leaves in the tunnels n when he exits the tunnels he becomes Jay's wing. after making sure the ancients go to the mountains, he wakes up. both leafpool n jaypaw go to the moonpool n he becomes jayfeather. the fire happens n its revealed that squirrelflight isnt the trios birth mother. tc leaves for the gathering (gathering 48) n finds ashfur dead. one moon passes yet again, trio = 12 moons.

sunrise: ~1 moon. tc thinks wc killed ashfur until ashfoot says she saw sol by where his body was. a patrol goes to find sol, brings both him n purdy back. sol wont tell anything n the other clan tell tc to get rid of him before next gathering. half moon meeting happens where jay realizes leaf is the trio's birth mom. lion releases sol so he would tell them who their birth father is, but that was a waste of time n they leave him for good when he starts talking about taking over all the clans. yellowfang then tells jay crowfeather is his birth father. next gathering (gathering 49) happens n hollyleaf reveals everything. she runs away into the tunnels which collapse n jay thinks the third cat could be either dove or ivy. one moon passes Again, trio = 13 moons. only 7 moons pass in this arc, but it's at least more than second arc

the fourth apprentice: ~2 moons. six moons have passed since sunrise cause dove n ivy are becoming apprentices, making the gathering in the first chapter (gathering 55). dove n ivy become apprentices. lionblaze n jayfeather figure out doves power n thats shes the third cat. another gathering (gathering 56) occurs n the plan for going upstream to find the source of the drought is devised. the patrol consisting of cats from every clan, including dove n lion, set out. the patrol reaches the dam n fights the beavers. they fail n rippletail dies. meanwhile breezepelt theatens to kill poppyfrost cause he hates jayfeather. round 2 of destroy the dam plan works n they all head home. two moons pass, ivy n dove r 7 moons old.

fading echoes: ~1 moon. leopardstar dies n mistyfoot gets her nine lives. dove n ivy go to windclan to see sedgewhisker but r instead called intruders n punished. firestar learns about the three. a gathering (gathering 57) happens where tigerheart asks dove to trust him when she confronts him about crossing the border. ivy begins training w hawkfrost. the tree falls on thunderclan camp, killing longtail n disabling briarpaw. jay goes to the moonpool for a half moon meeting. thunderclan n shadowclan fight over territory cause ivy followed hawkfrosts orders by making up a dream. lionblaze accidentally kills russetfur, firestar loses a life, n thunderclan wins the battle. around a moon passes, dove n ivy = 8 moons

night whispers: ~1 moon. first chapter starts from where last book left off. jay finds out ivy is training in the dark forest. cinderheart finds out about lionblaze being one of the three n somehow thinks that means they cant be together. jay goes to a half moon meeting where the meddie cats r told to stand alone. ivypaw gets captured by shadowclan when she goes confront dove n tigerheart. shes eventually traded back for some herbs. gathering (gathering 58) happens where dove n tigerheart argue. ivy finds out about the three n doves powers n is basically forced to spy on the dark forest. flametail drowns in the lake n ivy is almost forced to kill his ghost in the dark forest, but tigerheart stops them. 1 moon passes again, dove ivy r 9 moons old

sign of the moon: ~1 moon. dove n ivy become warriors. jay n lion figure out holly is still alive. a gathering (gathering 59) happens. jay demands to go to the mountains n dove comes w. antpelt dies n is now a spirit in the dark forest. jay goes back to ancient times again n once his duty is done he tells rock he wants to stay, but is forced to leave. ivy n blossomfall go exploring the caves but blossom gets hurt. theyr led out of the tunnels by gasp hollyleaf but we dont kno that its her quite yet. jay names the next stoneteller n the clan cats leave. 1 moon passes yet again, dove n ivy = 10 moons old

the forgotten warrior: ~2 moons. dove is having issues w her power. tigerheart tells her that dawnpelt thinks jay killed flametail. gathering (gathering 60) happens where dove tells ivy about the whole dawnpelt thing. sol is found by lion n brought to camp. sol tries to get wc n tc to fight. hollyleaf returns, sol disappears. cinderheart remembers cinderpelt. ivy kills antpelts ghost. another gathering (gathering 61) happens where dawnpelt announces her accusation for jay. wc n tc fight in the tunnels n sol talks about his hatred to the code. holly lets him go instead of killing him. 2 moons pass, dove ivy = 12 moons old

the last hope: ~1 moon. jay goes to moonpool meeting even tho he was told not to. he n mothwing try to unite the clans. dove n tiger r meeting again. a gathering (gathering 62) happens n jay doesnt go. jay finds flametail in starclan n by telling the truth of his death, unites the meddie cats. firestar is revealed to be the fourth cat. dove turns down tiger as a mate. cinderheart chooses lionblaze n being a warrior, thus letting go of cinderpelt. dark forest begins to attack. holly dies saving ivy from hawkfrost. lots o cats fight, lots o cats die. eventual show down of firestar vs og tigerstar. firestar kills tigerstar, but then dies like a min later. brambleclaw becomes bramblestar n squirrelflight his deputy. the end. 1 moon passes, dove ivy = 13 moons. overall, 7 moons pass in this arc. 

dovewing’s silence: ~1 moon. starts right after last hope. few chapters in we have first gathering after the great battle (gathering 63). 

crowfeather’s trial: ~3 moons. the book starts seemingly a little after the great battle. it is not right after because the first gathering shown is where blackstar starts listing off all the dead, which did not happen the first gathering after the great battle since no indication of it was made. its reasonable to say that this gathering happens a moon after that one, making it (gathering 64). towards the end of the book, (gathering 65) happens. then at the end of the book is (gathering 66).

bramblestar’s storm: ~2 moons, 8 if u include the manga section. its stated at the beginning of the book that six moons have passed since the great battle, making the first gathering in the book (gathering 68). its also stated that (gathering 67) was missed, probably due to poor weather. at the end of the book, (gathering 69) happens. the manga ending is when lionblaze n cinderhearts kits, who were not yet born in the last chapter, become apprentices, which means at least 6 moons have passed since the last chapter, making the manga take place around (gathering 75). squirrelflight finds out shes pregnant in this manga section.

the apprentice’s quest: ~2 moons. the book begins w the apprentice ceremony of squirrelflight n bramblestars kits, meaning at least 6 moons have passed, tho i’ll say 7 since squirrelflight only just figured out she was pregnant at the end of bramblestars storm, making the first gathering shown (gathering 82). next gathering (gathering 83) happens where violetkit n twigkit get separated. alderpaw = 7 moons, violet twig = 5 moons

thunder n shadow: ~3 moons. first gathering of the book is (gathering 84) n a little after violet n twig become apprentices, making them 6 moons. then another gathering (gathering 85) happens. and the last gathering of the book (gathering 86) happens. alderpaw = 10 moons, violet twig = 8 moons

[lueminous]

"Can’t believe the padme novel is cancelled now" You jest, but I nearly cancelled my preorder of the book on the spot when I saw that post. I keep closing and opening the AmazonDe page. I'm so torn. :\ "Padmé book, hell yeah!" "Literal anti writing it, oh hell no, ABORT MISSION, ABORT MISSION." "But Padmé book!" "But by their logic Anidala is a Nazi Romance and Darth Vader and Kylo Ren are fascist propaganda, why the hell are they even writing Star Wars books."

I'm petty enough to block people for calling kylo ren kyle ron, you can bet im also petty enough not to buy that book. That being said i heard her ahsoka novel was good so she'll probably do not a bad job with padme but still lmao

[cozymochi]

Hello again! I wanted to thank you for accepting my request before, I loved it. I was wondering if you have any plans in near future? I really enjoyed the previous comic you did. Anyway never stop being awesome!

YOU’Re weLCome 💙💙

Also yeah I have… P L A N S. I have a lot of them actually, and since I have like… no self-control or sense of organization in terms of mostly my comics, I’ll just dump all of what is in progress NOW. …(and also stuff I’d LIKE to do, cuz I have quite a bit) Though, I have cancelled a lot too due to too much time passing. I think a lot of old Yantan-centric related stuff got shelved despite progress being made cuz they became too dated. 

**IN-PROGRESS: NEAR FUTURE**

[Set in earlier DB] Short Comic showing how Marzi met (and subsequently became infatuated with) Yamcha. It’s probably the farthest along in it’s development cuz it’s technically “finished” just not “COMPLETE”, you dig? I may have bitten off more than I can chew by choosing to make it colored 😂 IT’S HONESTLY A REALLY KIND OF… ESSENTIAL LITTLE STORY THAT I HAVE TO KEEP MYSELF FROM REFERENCING IN ALL KINDS OF STUF because out of context it makes no sense. It’s hard referencing an event that no one (excluding in-universe characters) outside of my own mind has seen. 

^Another Marzi follow up to the above involving a very specific “pls notice me” shenanigan. It’s also kind of important in a sense, and I have to keep myself from referencing that too. Though I think I have once on impulse. There’s a rock. Either way, both of these things sorta answer stuff I feel like i’ve neglected to “elaborate” on in a sense… (tho i dont think anyone is wondering anything as specific as I am really) 

**IN-PROGRESS: FAR FUTURE**

[ahem] A Yamcha Cinderella AU. Yes. That’s happening. It’s not too far along, but I have the whole story already and drew a few pages. It’s pretty much lodged into my system. IT’S BEING MADE……!!!! I DIDN’T STUDY CHINESE STYLE LANDSCAPE PAINTINGS JUST TO NOT USE IT FOR SOMETHING ABSURD. Idk why I’m talking about this AU since I don’t think I’ll be posting it publicly.  

A comic regarding an adventure Yantan has in the snowy north. It’s not really “important” per se, but it’s something I wanna tell anyway. 

**NOT IN PROGRESS BUT LOTS OF PERSONAL CONCEPTS HAVE BEEN DRAWN** 

Some kind of Puarfia AU thing. Whether it’ll be a comic or not is up in the air. I feel like I need a coherent story first. But it’s world is already pretty much built along with histories- unfortunately I’m no writer 😭 Puarfia may be too big an ambition for someone like me. 

That… [little] Mermaid AU thing. I kind of want to make a comic about THAT. Other than the ending that i’m still torn over, that has a pretty linear story in my head. I feel like it COULD work??  And like Puarfia, quite a bit has been built for it’s world- but unlike Puarfia it’s a lot simpler. But, i don’t know yet. 

…proposal…. 

I WANT TO MAKE AN ANIMATIC OF SOME GOOFY THING I THOUGHT ABOUT… what is it??  It’s set somewhere within the first two in-progress comics. Just something dumb really. 

… *coughs* How the heck Yamcha and Marzi like… became a… thing. Although being this deep into this hole makes me reconsider if this even matters anymore 🤔🤔🤔 It FEELS like an important thing but at the same time. Idfk. 

I have a solo Bulla related “reluctant hero” type AU thing I dabbled in over the summer. Although, I don’t know if I’ll continue forward with it due to personal stuff🤔

~~~~~~

And since I’m in the direct line of fire for Hurricane Florence, (at this moment- and i’ll be left on campus too mind you ._.), I’ll probably have a lot of extra free time on my hands if internet cuts out. I wanna make SOMETHING. Or finish something at least. It’d be nice to finish ANYTHING, but that first WIP is the next “complete” thing I WANT finished. IT HAS ALL IT’S PIECES TOGETHER. I don’t want another case of “I started this 2 years ago, but i stopped so here it is I guess” situation like with the Yamcha Wish comic. (Which was also suuuper important, so it sucks I kinda just… dumped it out in the mediocre state it was in.  

Unless I scribble completely new unexpected stuff, in which case I’ll accept those too 😭😭 u can see i am quite varied /s 

But I love AUs. If im inspired enough they can jump RIGHT into in progress rather quickly (I LIVE FOR AUs AND IF I HAD MORE I’D- HNNNNNGH, but most of my AUs tend to come from others suggestions [Mermaid/Cinderella] or me taking something average and warpingg it [Puarfia]) 

BUT YEAH.  C O M I C S…….. A MESSY TIME

[robogreaser]

It’s been something of an incredibly rough few weeks on my end.

I come into write this post and realize Im going to need to break it down and draw it out significantly to make it make sense, considering I’ve been skimming on the details when talking to people close to me. I keep meaning to do a write up. It’s easier to hand a person a link instead of trying to condense a heap of nonsense into a sentence.

So here it goes. This is what I’ve been dealing with lately.

I’ve... had trouble figuring out where to start. I’ve sat on this post for about an hour now, so I suppose I need some sort of methodology to sort this all out. Okay... lets start from least consequential to most.

For a  while I’ve been dealing with some medical nonsense. It’s mostly minor, but I’ve had a  series of dental procedures to get a series of tooth issues resolved. I  need to get a root canal still, but money is tight  and I still owe my dentist a little over $200 still. On top of dental, I’ve also been working on making sense of my depression/anxiety/ADHD (officially diagnosed now) and have been cycling a bit through meds and dosage changes.

Bloodwork was recently done to see if I had hypothyroid issues. Nope. In the clear. Not even pre-diabetic. Need to work on triglycerides a little bit though. Otherwise mostly okay.

Work has come to a grinding halt in the post-mothers day rush. Income is somewhat dried up outside of small commission related things I’m working on here and there. Thank god I can leave money in paypal indefinitely and move it to the bank when emergencies strike. It’s been my only saving grace financially the past few weeks.

The shower door was broken recently. I don’t know all the details because I was out running errands at the time, but I’m still finding glass in the shower a week later. We’ve had to procure a curtain until I get the few hundred bucks to replace the thing. Needless to say showering has been a damned bit more difficult than usual. On top of that there’s still the hole in the ceiling that’s been there since around Christmas that’s steadily getting worse. The light is deteriorating, the sink is chipped, and... yeah. Despite all my efforts, getting any help from my family in getting a truck to transport the drywall needed to fix it is turning up... zero. So yeah. Bathroom renovations are a mess at the moment. It makes showering and various other hygiene things difficult, but I'm managing.

Part of the reason there’s been such a delay on the bathroom as well is the fact I’ve been tending to other renovation projects. For my uncle. A few towns away. He was diagnosed with cancer late last year and I thought I could do some good and help him with several home projects before his daughter moved across country this summer to live with him. It spiraled out of control. It turned into me dumping money and time and energy and all sorts of effort into renovating a small, nicotine stained house with little help aside from my partner @ironoverwine​ and the occasional assistance from my grandparents. It... has not gone well.

My cousin has moved back in the past week or two. Ever since I’ve been going full boar with the reno work, daily for over a week, making her a damned nice bedroom out of a mediocre  hellhole and her son one too while I was at it. I‘ve cleaned the house. I’ve painted. I’ve torn out wallpaper. I’ve done impossibly complicated amounts of millwork installation. This is not me tooting my own horn here either. There has been a lot of work. And a lot of money. I’ve wracked up damned near $2k in credit card debt for the material and the traveling, probably much more.

And I’m not getting paid for this. In fact, I’ve recieved nothing but ire and callous cold shoulders for it. The sheer lack of a ‘thank you’ is getting to me. The expectancy for me to continue in spite of the lack of pay or gratitude or decency is... infuriating.

I suppose there’s a point where I need to take a break and segue into something more positive in terms of news. Nope. This ties to perfectly into the next round of fuckery going on recently.

Though I’m sure some people who follow me/read this are aware, I tend to keep relatively quiet (or try to) about how I’ve been taking care of my grandparents the last several months. I have been off and on since I was in school, but the past few years (minus the spell I spent in Oklahoma [god that was a mess] last year) it’s become more and more of a full time affair. Lately its been money and health issues dialed up and up... I’ve taken to managing finances and updating their banking info, keeping an eye on things and fending off phishing scams here and there. My grandmother had a heap of credit card debt because of a shitty doctor conning her a few years back.

Im trying to fix it. I’m trying to make sense of things for them because they have so damned little as it is and I am at least smart enough with money to allow them to start saving up money in the case of an emergency. For the first time in her life my grandmother has a proper savings account and money put away. She’s 79. (more on her specifically later.) I am an authorized user on her credit cards in order to help monitor and pay her bills, and also because piggybacking off of her credit history had helped me immensely with credit score ratings and whatnot. I mean, it’s not every day you can tell a credit firm you have thirty years of credit history.

Well, unfortunately, though I managed to reduce her debt by a significant amount, my mother decided to get involved.

Though I had used the credit to work on my uncle (her son’s) house and though she was aware of it, my mother convinced her, my grandmother, that I was ‘stealing’ money from her, via her credit cards. Despite me actually paying her bills. Despite me allowing her to cultivate savings for the first time in her life. Despite me clearing multiple cards for her for the first time in years and tackling intrest and keeping her from slipping into the red over and over and over...

She was convinced I was stealing from her. My mother convinced her of this and then convinced her to cancel out and close all of her accounts. Even though I was taking care of everything, my grandmother shuttered all but one (inconsequential) credit line she had. With $5k still owed to these companies.

My credit score has tanked. At least 150 points. For you youngins not in the know, that’s fucking awful. My grandmother is somewhat unscathed (though she did have near perfect credit and a long history of it) despite all this but... but me? I’ve only been building credit for two or three years now. I was barely doing well before this. My credit score has tanked hard and will continue to get worse. I won’t be able to get into an apartment or find a car at this rate...

Which leads me to more recent news. I tried to get a loan before the credit bureaus changed my score, some way to circumvent the fallout and get enough money to consolidate my debt and tuck some cash away into savings for an apartment or a car in the near future. It was denied. On multiple fronts. Because of what my mother did.

I am in something close to financial ruin, or at least the worst I’ve been in until now. Debt is climbing. I’m not going to be able to get any sort of loan for any sort of adult purposes for what is going to end up being years at this rate. This is exactly what happened that prevented me from going to college. My mother has ruined my finances to spite me and make me wholly dependent on my family.

I’m 25. There’s no damned escape. Though I planned to move out and get an apartment sometime early this summer, it’s near impossible at this rate because of what’s happened to my finances from this one incredibly underhanded move.

But it doesn’t stop there. No. It couldn’t.

This past week has been dominated by one major thing: My grandmother’s fall.

Despite me telling her to do precisely the opposite, my grandmother used a step stool on Monday, got up on the counter to clean something, and ended up falling on her back. I was at the doctor for aforementioned bloodwork at the time, and found out on my way home. She ended up being ambulanced out before I got home and... it’s been a whole ordeal since. I’ve had to travel extensively to visit her everyday since (twice yesterday) and... she’s been transported to a physical rehabilitation facility in order to get her back up on her feet and walking again. There was extensive internal bruising and her arthritis has advanced significantly in her back. Her hips are out of alignment. Her muscles have atrophied...

I’ve been taking my grandfather up their daily to see her and make sure she’s getting the care and rehabilitation she needs. It’s been tough. It’s been taking away a good half of my day for a week now. The other half has been flooded with errands and extensive housework.

I...

I don’t know when this is going to let up. Even despite my medications, there’s been significant flare ups in my depressive episodes because of all of this. I’ve been strategically offline in order to allow myself some time to ‘rest’ at night as best I can. But... I don’t know when I’m going to get back up on my feet in regards to all of this. I’m pouring all of my time and energy into... this nonsense.

There’s debt. There’s chores. There’s the elderly. There’s my mother. And through it all, I am trying. I really am. I am trying so damned hard to make progress with my nonsense.

Im tired. And Im tired of being tired.

[thing-you-do-with-that-thing]

In Trouble

Pairing: College AU Jensen  x Reader

Warnings: None

Wordcount: 431

Requested by: Anon : Number 191: “IF YOU USE UP ALL THE HOT WATER ONE MORE TIME, I’M GOING TO BAN YOU TO THE COUCH FOR A MONTH.” and 221 “Kiss me”

A/N: Unbetaed. All mistakes are mine. Written for  @wayward-mirage RPF Appreciation day

***My fics are not to be saved nor posted on any other sites without my express written permission.***

An earth shattering scream rang through the apartment and Jensen instantly flinched in front of the stove. “Shit!” He had no idea she would be up this early. Her morning classes were cancelled, so he figured she would sleep in, giving the waterheater more than enough time to cook up enough water for her to have a warm shower.

Y/N looked like an angry wet lioness as she stormed into the kitchen, only wearing a yellow towel wrapped around her dripping wet body.

“JENSEN ROSS ACKLES!! IF YOU USE UP ALL THE HOT WATER ONE MORE TIME, I’M GOING TO BAN YOU TO THE COUCH FOR A MONTH,” she screamed at him and Jensen instantly hung his head.

“I’m sorry baby I thought you would sleep in. I was just cooking you some breakfast and…” he tried to distract her, but to no avail.

“ARGH!!” she sent him one last glare, before twirling around and slamming the door to the bedroom shut between them.

“Fuck!” Jensen swore under his breath, looking at his watch. Yeah no history class today. He carefully knocked on the door to their bedroom, “Y/N/N. Honey. I am so sorry,” he called through the door, before hesitantly walking through it. He frowned when he saw her laying on the bed, face buried in the pillows.

“Hey,” Jensen laid down on the bed next to her, gently caressing her shoulder blades, “are you okay baby?”

“I’m pregnant,” she muttered into the pillows making Jensen chuckle and kiss her hair.

“I know that Y/N/N. You told me that 2 months ago. Why do you think I am working two jobs?” he teased her, playfully poking her sides.

“It’s not funny,” she sulked still not looking at him, “I puke all the time. I eat weird crap. I yell at you constantly and I forget everything. I forgot my classes were cancelled.”

Jensen couldn’t help but smile, as he gently helped her turn around to face him. They laid close on the bed for a few seconds, just looking into each other’s eyes for a few minutes; legs tangled and arms wrapped around each other.

“Kiss me,” she asked softly, smiling a little now and Jensen happily obliged.

“Does this mean I am not sleeping on the couch tonight?” he asked, playfully tugging her hair, making her laugh.

“Only if you burned the bacon too,” she sassed back and Jensen’s eyes widened.

“Shit!” he quickly untangled himself from her, jumping from the bed rushing for the kitchen just as the fire alarm went off.

“JENSEN!!!”

Jensen Tag Team (CLOSED)

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[piermanwalter]

What if The Clone Wars had an eighth season?

In an alternate reality, George Lucas showed up to a meeting with Disney executives two hours late while drunk, pantsless, brandishing two stolen live pet chickens like Uzis, and covered with mysterious geometric bruises, forever ruining the rapport between the two companies, preventing Disney from purchasing Star Wars. 

As a result, the Star Wars: The Clone Wars TV show is not cancelled and I think these are some of the episodes that will be created. 

THE FILLER EPISODES

“I don’t care that you fools see me as weak if it means that I will see you drowning in your own arrogance.”                                                                          The show sort of raises the stakes by having General Grievous be brutally competent in an early episode, but he gets beat as easily as usual in later episodes, so there isn’t much point.

“HOOOOO YEAAAAAAH!” *sound of four Z-6 rotary blasters being fired at once by one man*                                                                                                 There’s an episode with absolutely no story or coherence solely focussed on Plo Koon and the 104th and it’s rad as hell.

“I think I’m a bad person if this is what I want.”                                          Katooni and friends try to show off in front of Jedi so that they might be chosen as Padawans, but when they are thrown into a real combat situation, they realize how terrible the war is and give up.

“Relax, friends! Judging by how well things are going, I think that only two of us will die! Pretty good, no?”                                                                                 Obi-Wan returns to his Rako Hardeen persona in order to team up with Hondo and Boba Fett to scam a fortune out of a Hutt crimelord, Grabo the Prosperous, freeing his slaves in the process. 

“BUT DESPITE ALL SETBACKS, THE REPUBLIC CONTINUES TO BRAVELY DEFEND- argh! Stop! HELP ME!”                                                                      The opening bombastic narration of this episode is cut off when the Separatists KIDNAP THE NARRATOR HIMSELF, a Republic newscaster/propagandist and the police of Coruscant have to rescue him. Tan Divo is there, no matter how hard everyone tries to get him to go away.

“Excuse me, sir! I can tell these are not truly Sluissi emeralds from their lack of diffracting lustre! Give me back my credits!”                                                       C-3PO and R2-D2 do some mind-numbingly boring errands for Padmé because there has to be at least one per season for some reason.

THE MERCHANDISE-DRIVEN EPISODES

“Oh no. That’s too many wheels.” “WAY too many wheels.”                                 A show producer accidentally puts in an order for many incredibly bizarre clone vehicle toys, and as a last ditch marketing attempt, a funny, heartwarming episode is made starring a new clone, Rotor, who is not a soldier, but he works in weapons and vehicles R&D. 

“That’s right, boys. I’m dressed to kill.”                                                           Aayla Secura, Adi Gallia, and Shaak Ti infiltrate an elite fashion show disguised as models in order to protect Senator Orn Free Taa, while Aurra Sing, Latts Razzi, and Asaji Ventress, also disguised as models, try to assassinate him. 

The cruddy, mediocre Republic Heroes game gets rebooted using the Battlefront engine. Because executives are imbeciles and believe that no human being in existence wants to buy a story-based FPS, an entire 3-parter, starring Cad Bane, is made to promote the game. It’s basically Casablanca with explosions.

“Ha. Ha. Ha. What do you mean by ‘How’re yer shtil alive?’ You imbecile. ‘Hurr how im gonna kill dat shkakoan? Oh im genius put the high presser lovin’ critter in a high presser.’ The best bounty hunter in the galaxy. Incredible.”                                                     Cad Bane is doing great, until he finds one of his many enemies, Kul Teska, in his favorite bar, despite having personally killed him years ago. Most of this episode is flashbacks composed of in-engine cutscenes lifted directly from the new game, but the animation is good enough that it’s almost impossible to tell.

“Get out of my way. I can’t shoot through you, nice as that’d be. Why you gotta be so damn huge?” “I was a preposterously fat youngling.”                                                                                                      Cad Bane gets a job assassinating Black Sun Vigos for Grabo the Prosperous, the same hutt that got scammed eight episodes ago. Unfortunately, Kul Teska had the same idea and the two of them are forced to work together. Cad Bane hates his life and Kul Teska is mildly amused. This episode is full of crazy action, colorful characters that die after ten seconds of screentime, and petty bantering. Bane finds himself not hating his nemesis as much.

“With luck, I will never see you again.”                                                          Grabo doesn’t uphold his end of the deal, so Bane and Teska put their rivalry on hold to scam him a second time before barely escaping with their lives. Cad Bane decides being a misanthrope loner is a waste of time and asks Teska if he wants to continue being a team. Kul Teska reveals that the only reason he agreed to the gig was to make enough money to get a ship to go back to his home planet. And then he leaves forever. Cad Bane spends the last minute of the episode drinking himself into oblivion.

THE PLOT EPISODES: TOO SERIOUS FOR DIALOGUE QUOTES (Come up with your own. I’m out of ideas because the opening paragraph is the most amazing thing I’ll ever write and this post is too long already.)

There’s an episode about Ahsoka dealing with an existential crisis after being abandoned by the Jedi Order. After struggling with her beliefs that only Republic soldiers are allowed to be heroes, her desire to help others is too strong and for the first time on this show, she kills a tyrannical Republic general and allows the droid army to move in because innocent people would be legitimately better off this way.

Narrated from the perspective of Darth Sidious, this episode shows his daily life, switching from persona to persona, thinking about the best way to exterminate an entire race while smiling and shaking their representative’s hand and consoling depressed politicians so they become so overconfident that they get themselves killed. It’s a parody of the Robot chicken parodies, but manages to be utterly terrifying. 

It’s Life Day. This episode is a bunch of vignettes about how different people celebrate. The clones scrape together some cash in order to buy a feast at their favorite cantina. Padmé is at a fancy gala but wishes Anakin was there. Cad Bane gets an unmarked crate filled with terrifying custom weapons thrown through his window. There is an underlying plot about the clone troopers investigating the spooky rumors of Order 66.

The first of a 3-parter, Anakin and Obi-Wan are fighting to escape worker drones on Cato Neimoidia and have a disagreement over whether to kill everyone because they are mindless insects, or to spare them. Obi-Wan never allows Anakin’s plans to be put into effect, leading to Anakin becoming more and more frustrated until he deliberately allows Obi-Wan to get shot. Now in charge, he puts his murderous plans in action, which worked extremely well and they escape. Obi-Wan is extremely grateful that Anakin rescued him, completely unaware that he wanted him injured.

Without Obi-Wan to veto his ideas and keep him in check, and Ahsoka to go with his plans so hard that he gets concerned and gives up for her sake, Anakin’s tactics grow more and more brutal, and he gains more and more public adoration for how effective he is. He tries to keep this hidden from Padmé, but she finds out anyway and they have a huge argument ending with Padmé realizing he was like this from the very beginning, from when he first slaughtered the Sand People, and she was too lovestruck to notice.

The first half of this episode is Padmé getting involved in banking intrigues with Rush Clovis yet again to avoid Anakin. The second half is Anakin trying to reconcile with her. The episode ends with them forgiving each other and getting back together, but Anakin is already being torn apart by his feelings of guilt, jealousy, and rage, foreshadowing his complete mistrust of everyone and his fall to the Dark Side in Episode III.

[pbandjesse]

Welp i just accidently closed my post i was writing. Ugh. Super. Just a cherry on top og how crappy im feeling today.

Im trying to not feel so out of sorts. But today was Another pointless snow day. And it didn't even snow!! And my hands are cold and i have felt sad and guilty all day. Its not been fun for me and i could barely focus on anything worth while. And now im really worried about rent because of all this time off and i just put money into savings for the first time in forever and now I just feel unsettled.

I am trying really hard to be positive. But its been really hard.

James went to bed early last night. I stayed up for a couple more hours and had fun looking up furby listings and finding fake knock offs. And i slept okay.

I was not thrilled to get a snow day part 2 text. But I tried to take it in stride. Even though it never snowed and it just was miserable and raining and cold. But no snow.

Me and James stayed in bed until about 9. He got up and went to 711 to get us breakfast. I was dressed and loving my make up by the time he got back. That new eyeliner I got is excellent.

Once we finished breakfast we cleaned my apatment. And it feels much better in here now. I was feeling frustraited though because I knew James had plans for the afternoon but he wasn't giving me a straight answer on when he was going to hang out with Brandon or whatever. And Ben wanted to get together to take pictures and i wanted to give him a time but James wasn't helping me. Finally he said he would leave at 130. Okay. But then Ben canceled. Okay guys. So I just felt more and more unhappy. Like with James its fine you have other stuff going on. Im not trying to play games. I dont care if you leave at noon or 7pm. I just want to know the plan so i can schedule my day!! I get really upset by wasted time and these last couple days have really been hard so the playing sround doesn't sit right with me.

We went to soups on for lunch but they didn't have the one i wanted. And the one i got really wasnt good. But now im realizing i dont have a sense of smell right now. So its possible the soup was fine. But it did have undercooked peas in it and i didnt appreciate that at all.

We stopped at Starbucks. I got cake pops. And we said goodbye.

I walked home. It was so gross out I just wanted to be home. The rain had stopped for a bit though. And so i stopped at the art store, not dick blick but plaza, and got big paper and paint.

If I was gonna be sad snd despondent, i could at least paint.

So i did that for an hour. And it helped a little. Everything helped a little. I tried on all my outfits for this weekend and California. I organized. I went to the store and got a pizza. I tried not to be miserable. I laid down and watched the new shane dawson doc. Its been a weird day for me. I just feel so unsettled.

I eventually took a bath. Put some green dye in my hair. Scrubbed. Mask. Upstairs. Jammies. Painted nails. Did eyebrows. And now im listening to true crime videos and ready for bed.

I realy hope we work tomorrow. I may be doing photos with Ben in the morning but if i feel this torn up its not gonna happen. Well see.

Send me your good vibes. I need it right now.

Good night.