#possible friend breakup?
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so much has happened over the past week
went to the ED due to blinding pain in my left flank and yeah, kidney stone is bigger and badder than before (11 mm instead of 8.4 mm, which ... y'all, that's huge. not the biggest ever obvs but like ... I might want to keep the stone and frame it or something)
discovered I might have a pretty nasty infection bc of said kidney stone and am now on bactrim
went to Bonnaroo and had a blast (Foo Fighters, Sofi Tukker, and Lil Nas X were the best performers there imo) all the while dealing with the pain from said kidney stone except I spent good money on that festival and I'm not about to lose that experience. am now exhausted but I have some cool art, new fits, & a snazzy hemp hat
have surgery tomorrow to remove said kidney stone bc it's too big to do lithotripsy
found out the boyfriend is going to KOREA for like a month after he's been out of town the last month to Maryland but I can't just like drop $2k for a ticket to Korea alone so I can visit him
discovered that a friend of mine isn't really that great of a friend/person and I may have to limit the amount of time I spend with her, maybe even eliminating her completely
basically what I'm saying is I'm having a hard go of it, but by tomorrow afternoon, at least one of these issues is going to be resolved
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We as a society do not deserve Ed Sheeran and I’m standing on that business.
#this man has been here for EVERY possible negative emotion I’ve ever had#I’ve been a diehard fan since I was 9 years old#I know his songs like the back of my hand#I’ve sang his songs at funerals#I’ve cried to them during breakups#I’ve sang them with my best friend in the courtyard of our middle school#I’m going through the possibly worst slow burn of my life and I’ve got his earliest album playing for comfort#bc an Ed Sheeran album feels like comfort#if I ever got the chance to meet this man I’d fall to my knees#he got me through fucking elementary school and now he’s getting me through my last year of college#i love music#ed sheeran
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I don’t think I’ll ever find what we had again
#lost friends#friendship breakups#favorite person#fp#possible bpd#bpd fp#bpd tag#girlblogging#girlblogger#girl blogger#mental illness#xoxo gray#help i’m so tired#grays diary
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Well. Potentially inadvisable message I sent a few days ago not really expecting a reply to did, in fact, get a reply.
#personal#for those with enough knowledge of blog lore to know what I'm talking about here:#I caved and messaged First Ex/Former Closest Friend again#out of a mixture of the fact that I keep circling back to that friendship breakup on an approximately monthly basis that I knew#I'd never be able to really let it go unless I at least tried once#and the confidence from my knowledge of him that if our positions were reversed *he* would have tried#in any case. He's not sure if we'll succeed in being friends again but he *is* willing to talk#on the condition (which I offered in my initial message) of me not telling any of the people we mutually know#that he ended up having issues with#that we are speaking with#& there is (unsurprisingly since there was clearly a lot missing from the stories I'd gotten) more to said issues than I'd heard about#which it sounds like he's going to elaborate on when we talk#I think the biggest difficulty for me in re-establishing contact like this is going to be accepting that he and my mother#outright despise each other now#which. l mean - I'd never claim she's perfect#she can be very blunt in a way that comes off as just *mean* and hurtful and I've been hurt by that too#but she's also been a much better parent to me than most people's parents seem to be to them#it's possible maybe even likely that if some of our arguments when I was younger had ended in us cutting ties rather than#eventually talking it through that I would see her the same way Former Closest Friend does#but they didn't and she's been at certain points amazingly supportive since#so it's likely I'm going to have a hard time reconciling the version of her he's going to present to me with that#even though I'm totally open to believing that he's justified in how he feels about whatever happened#& I'm not going to be able to process it out loud irl bc that would violate the 'not telling people involved about this' clause#so there may be a lot of venty personal tumblr posts coming soon to a blog near you
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#this is what I get for hyperfocusing on a currently airing canon queer ship to cope with life stress#instead of decades-old queerbait/non-canon#i want so badly to be able to focus on Oliver’s quote about wanting a bi hoe Buck phase if Buck and Tommy were ‘on a break’#bc I’m pretty sure that was the interview he said they were filming masks so he should’ve already known?#and it was also the one where he talked about overcoming obstacles in their relationship#and bi hoe Buck phase before getting back together would be#i don’t want to say the only good outcome. I’ll get over the shock and it’ll hurt less and I’ll see other okay options#but it would certainly be the best#but the things Lou is saying. and the way it feels so shoehorned in.#i am not insane (coughs. definitely not vagueing any section of fandom.)#and I’ve also been destroyed by hope twice in three days now. one obviously more globally significant than the other but.#yeah.#sometimes Ted lasso was wrong and it is the hope that kills you#i want to cling to that possibility but in the face of the episode itself I don’t think I can#it was obviously a last-minute thing for absolutely no narrative reason#and there’s no reason to shoehorn that in to create a getting together arc. there’s no reason to do that suddenly and impromptu#from either a narrative or a network perspective#honestly it’s not even entirely the breakup itself for me#i mean don’t get me wrong that sucks so bad on so many levels#but it’s the implication in Lou’s interviews that Tommy’s just gonna disappear now#he was fully enmeshed in the firefam and getting more and more so. he’s Eddie’s good friend!#that was a big part of what made it a good relationship but it was also just. really nice for Tommy#and I love him and I will be particularly devastated if the show just cuts him cold now#and everything Lou said like. makes it make SENSE from his perspective. in a way he obviously had to work for to be able to do it#but it still doesn’t make it a good or narratively satisfying breakup#or rather a good or narratively satisfying conclusion#specifically for Tommy!!! it makes it a decent and justifiable midpoint to a character arc about learning to be vulnerable#which is a really interesting arc you could do with Tommy! actually based on what we know about him!#if you hadn’t told Lou to go back to SWAT!#started typing these in an attempt to get the emotions out and instead I’ve just added irritation
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even if they do break up, how long do you think it's gonna last? i mean really?? they've both made it abundantly clear that they can't live without each other.
#*carly catalogs#like.... it's not gonna be detrimental to them ya'll gotta chiLLLLL#the rookie#the rookie s6#tim bradford#lucy chen#chenford#otp: you know me so well#plus imagine one of them showing up at the others doorstep all sad and teary eyed like 'i miss you' 🥺💕#..... sharing a very loving make up kiss through tears and soft gentle hugs#i'm sorry but it's 3am and i finally have to give my two cents on this since i keep seeing people losing there shit over a possible breakup#what's that one schmece thing from new girl where someone asks them if they are never not together#and in unison they we're like 'rarely'#that's tim and lucy they're just one of those couples that has to be around each other all the time#and you know why that is??????#it's because they aren't only lovers THEY'RE ALSO BEST FRIENDS
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Darius 🤝 Willow
Beefing with the blights in complex, somewhat homoerotic ways
#ramblings of a lunatic#the owl house#willow park#darius deamonne#this has always been my vision of their dynamic/how they parallel each other#IF we are to believe the dana gallery nucleus art that positions them as parallels#it's like. if darius was confident and sunny and bright as a teen but had problems showing vulnerability#possibly afraid of losing status/respect#then that lack of vulnerability followed him into adulthood making him the aloof person we know today cause he never had his ftf breakdown#BUT ALSO. i think abt this too. blights are just like oops! I'm gonns give this person massive abandonment issues!#this will make me feel bad too!! i will suffer because of this but i don't know other ways to live!!!#(at least. that's how i envision the darius/alador breakup i know it's very vague in canon)#(but like. compare how happy they were as kids to how miserable they can both be as adults. they are worse off for this)#i think it'd be neat if willow was the person who nudged darius back towards alador#bc she knows what it's like being hung up on someone you're convinced hates you. it sucks!!#and she's so so forgiving as long as she feels like the person she's forgiving is actually going to put in effort to change#(hence how after Amity follows through on her promise from understanding willow to not let Boscha bully willow anymore-#-IN wing it like witches THEN we see amity get to be a part of the best friend montage. she followed through and that proves she's trying)#(and then obviously hunter stuck his neck out for them with nothing to gain after her hurt them and that showed her that he can learn-#-and change for the better and hence she gave him that opening if he wanted it)#(it's still his responsibility to be a good friend but she'll try if he will. willows forgiving but she's not a doormat)#(and i feel like she wants to know the ppl in her life see her as someone worth improving for bc of her self worth issues)#ANYWAY that was a long winded way of saying she'd have a valuable perspective to lend to darius who seems to be similar to her in many ways#anyway what if i cried abt them
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OH ALSO the fact that ariana grande thinks eternal sunshine of a spotless mind is in ANY way relatable to any of her relationships makes me feel like she missed the point of the movie entirely lmao
#not to be an eternal sunshine purist but you cannot use my favorite movie as an album AND music video inspiration#when it has absolutely nothing to do with your breakup situation lmao#eternal sunshine isn't about deleting memories and that's it.... the entire point of the movie is that they find each other again and again#... which is basically the opposite of all of ariana's relationships lmao#I guess you can tie the movie with my previous ''we can't be friends is about being uncanceled'' and the way people forget artists mistakes#but... and I mean this in the kindest way possible.... ariana's smart but she's not THAT smart lmao#that just feels like reaching. I think she just doesn't get the message the movie was trying to convey#and thinks it's just a ''bohoo forgetting people is painful :('' movie. lot's of people do
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Started writing to get through some Millywood feelings and oh fuck I can feel myself being dragged unwittingly into another long fic jesus christ
#love love love milly and nick wanting a family together but it just isnt possible#i wanted to just write a breakup coming out religious baggage fic and now its rapidly turning into vashwood meetcute#really want a scene of nick and milly talking a month or so after the breakup and she just asks if hes happy and if they can be friends agai#maybe with vash introducing her to meryl at the end and them hanging out as a four with a different type of family to whay theyd imagined#but so much happier#but thats.... not an easy 3k oneshot#im sorry bertholdt but i don't thinj j#ill be able to work on his longfic until ive expunged this from my system#trigun#rambles
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reached out to a friend i thought i’d have to cut out of my life completely and it was like. leap of faith i’m so glad i did it’s just the pandemic really fucked with everyone’s mental health in significant ways. (both of us included in this)
#uh if you can forget *that* i sure can forget *that*#something something the personal and political being intensely intertwined#also scream this whole thing involved a friend getting the whole aaliyah spiel being told the state of israel would solve all her problems#and then she went there and is apparently now a ra ra diasporist. funniest possible change of events ever#also i guess the last moment of our Wierd meeting involved a breakup that i didn't know about happenign at the exact same time....#WILD
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I barely know who Jojo Siwa is, but ive also publicly defended her numerous times for all the "relationship drama" she seems to get cancelled for on twitter and tiktok, and i guess i still stand by that we need to be leaving ourselves out of the romantic affairs of celebrities. But now i also feel like having publicly defended her for anything is a bad look, given her stupid statement on Colleen Ballinger and her victims. And thankfully this situation is nowhere near on the scale of horrific as the Danny Masterson situation, but I can't help but draw some kind of parallel between Ashton & Friends defending Danny in their letters and Jojo defending Colleen. Like... why on earth would anyone make a decision to publicly support someone who has victims... is it money?? Just like being famous and having money??? That's the only thing jojo and Ashton seem to have in common, is that they're both famous and have money. So like when you're rich and famous do you automatically just not have a soul? I'm just floored at what could possibly cause this behavior of supporting people who do awful things. Unlike Ashton & Friends though, I think Jojo could recover from this if she just realized she's in the wrong and apologized. But i dont see her as the type to admit to being in the wrong, which is based off of nothing tbf, it's just a vibe and my own personal opinion. But yeah, horrible look. Not a girl's girl, i hope she grows up real quick and sees this situation for what it is.
#and when i say we need to be leaving celebrities alone in their relationships#I mean in situations where you just don't like how they handled something#like if it's a ned fulmer situation#or an ethan slater/ariana grande situation?#then yeah let's definitely talk about how awful those people are#but if you're just butthurt that a celebrity got over their ex too fast for your liking#or dated someone new immediately after the breakup?#like fuck you honestly. i stand by that.#leave people the fuck alone. cancel culture at it's literal worst.#and while this time Jojo put herself in the deepest of shit for absolutely no reason#im also like... why is absolutely no one looking out for that girl?#like ok yeah she dug her own grave here.#but she's famous and shes basically still a child#she needs people who care about her to manage her brand#and not let her ruin her already damaged reputation by saying the worst possible shit like this#where is her team???? her parents??? a friend? anybody???#she should not have been allowed to say that.#anyway i fully know im the only one here who cares this much about internet drama lol#but like i just had to speak my mind somewhere#ooc
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youtube
you were right i was battling you, trying to prove myself i tried to bury you with guilt i wanted to prove you wrong
#today's entry in totally normal songs to write about your (ex) bandmate#soundtrack#possibly the number one song i'm glad i wasn't aware of when i was 22 and going through a devastating friend breakup#unfortunately as lou likely also learned trying to bury people with guilt doesn't work when they don't think they're doing anything wrong#Youtube
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Every few months when I’m feeling down I reread the story a friend from high school wrote about me, and then I read his confession to me from like 2 years ago. The story was AFTER things ended between us, by the way. Then it snaps me out of any sad feelings I have because of dumb boys. Like this guy literally said “i want to be yours. I want to be someone you would be honored to have, and I am willing to make the change for you to feel this way.” WHAT????? And then he wrote a sweet heart wrenching story about me when I was feeling down. He reminds me to never settle
#and literally a few weeks ago he sent me a text thanking me for being in his life and his friend#like dude why chase dumb men when someone has felt this way abt me before……#and ofc someone will again#god. he was so kind I so hope he finds someone for him#he deserves it so much. i think he rlly loved me tho he never said it#but it’s so obvious#and even when I rejected him#he stayed friends w me and never brought it up. and tbh it doesn’t need to be brought up#but wow i am so lucky to have had someone care and love me the way he did#and it’s so possible guys. it is. i wish I could have loved this guy but it was just bad timing#bc i was going through a breakup and the start of the pandemic#but he gave me so much hope and love#tala.txt#i write abt him every few months but he fr reminds me to never settle#and that I can be loved so well
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i reconnected with an old friend a few months ago and since we last spoke ( roughly 2 years ago) his life has significantly gotten better. Him and i were talking about what our plans were and where we wanted to end up and it dawned on me how truly privileged he was/is and despite his ups and downs he grew up in upper middle class so he always had both feet on the ground- while i someone who grew up humping the poverty line in two separate households while also being abused in more ways than one in my primary home my feet may have been on the ground but the ground was lava and i was barefoot. His wants and needs were catered to while mine were put on the back burner and now a decade after i thought i'd die i am here clueless as to what my next step is while the people around me are married and/or with kids and they seem happy. I'm having the move home after while not an awful breakup its still pretty rough. I mean a mutual breakup is still a breakup. With this break up though i plan to figure out what and who i am because i cant stand still feeling left behind even after being graduated for YEARS. That is actually one of the biggest reasons i moved down here is for the ability to figure out what i wanted and i mean i did learn somethings about myself and what my needs are and i am proud of myself for that and i keep reminding myself this move back home is just a stepping stone to wherever i may take myself. There is a whole world for me to explore with endless possibilities of what my future could be.
What's next?
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yeah i think i've fully come to terms with the fact that i'm 100% somewhere on the ace spectrum lol
#dax rambles#i'm still absolutely bi but i'm just so fucking indifferent towards sex and relationship shit 90% of the time#i have attraction towards whatever gender but i don't even really consider it or think about it -- granted there is stuff i'm attracted to#i do like many various masculine & feminine features etc -- but ultimately it's just like i'm attracted to who i'm attracted to lol#but i really don't give much of a shit about sex itself really outside of when i'm in gooner mode and even then i only really care about#my weird fetishes/kinks LMAO#and relationship-wise it's the same though yeah i still want a relationship and have a possible crush on someone -- though that could be a#rebound thing since i went through a pretty rough breakup earlier this year + there's some other stuff so i doubt i'll act on it -- but#when it comes to relationships in general like in media and shit i really do not care honestly aside from a small handful of exceptions lol#like i still see so many people talking about shipping constantly here and i'm realising how truly little i give a shit about any#of that kind of stuff LMAO like more power to you but yeah it's never been something i'm that interested in at all aside from a small#handful of ships i like but honestly that's more of a lesser point#i just have zero interest in romance outside of what my own relationships would be i guess is the best way to put it#and i know i could never ever ever be in a relationship with someone who i haven't at least known as a friend for a good few years prior#like no fucking way lmao i need that established level of trust and bond + chemistry but i've literally never developed a crush on someone#outside of friends anyway so lmao and by crush i do mean someone who i would want to try a relationship with not just#“i'm attracted to this person” when it comes to attraction it's whatever and even with that it's very much a “damn they're hot would” and#that's about it lol it's not really super often either which is another main reason why i'm pretty confident i'm asexual to a degree#i think it was something i was in denial about for a while because i'm very happy with & enjoy being bisexual but either way i am still bi#it's just that the way i'm attracted to people & have little interest in sex itself is additionally some type of asexual experience lol#i'll probably delete this later unless i forgor i don't really give a shit though lmao
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“you need me as much as i need you. there is so no edward nygma without the penguin.”/you were the best friend i ever had. i miss you.”
head in my fuckin hands
#why can’t toxic gay people just get a divorce normally#why must they kill their boy best friend/hallucinate them after the fact then spend an entire episode trying to find a replacement for him#then oz isn’t even dead (tho like duh) and now he’s after killing ed#they’re literally sooooo stupid#it’s giving hannibal honestly#next ed will leave gotham for italy and oz will follow him there likeeeeeeee#but seriously the parallels between hannibal stabbing will and holding him and ed shooting oz and holding him had me like 🤨#alsooooo obsessed with ed not admitting he loves oz and he misses him#like bruh you spent so much energy destroying him when you could have just killed him outright#like there’s ed’s flair for the dramatic and there’s literally breaking oz’s heart like he broke yours THEN killing him in the most intimate#way possible for the two of you#ed had to be the one to pull the trigger because the acid wouldn’t cut it#and he had to be the one to destroy oz because oz made him#reflection motif is motifing lads#finding out who you are without the man in the mirror (oz)#becoming the riddler without the penguin#crazy stuff 😵💫#i know oz is gonna have a field day with ‘the riddler’ tho#and ed knows too bc fake! oz wouldn’t have objected otherwise#reinventing yourself to spite your ex boy best friend who you killed#normal things to do after a breakup#hashtag: divorce sucks#gwen rambles#gwenposting#gwen watches stuff
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