#positive mental attitude dammit

[rotationalsymmetry]

Ok, you know what? I do 100% agree with the complainer there.

There is a widespread genuine belief that health is largely under people's individual control and if you're not healthy it's because you're Doing Something Wrong. (This is an ableist belief.) Not everyone who shares posts about things people can do to help with their personal health believes that, but it's also not obvious to anyone who doesn't see into anyone else's brain that people posting or reblogging that sort of thing DON'T believe that and logically, some people posting/reblogging are doing so BECAUSE they believe that nobody will be sick for long if everyone just does the right thing.

There is especially a predominant culture on the mental health recovery/positivity regions of tumblr that recovery is possible for anybody and that a positive attitude is a necessary and helpful condition for recovery.

3 this bleeds over into victim blaming really easily and is hella discouraging for people who don't have a realistic prospect of recovery (or think they don't) including I gotta say for people who have non-mental health shit that they don't expect to recover from and it's annoying as hell. And you know what? I've had lifelong mental health issues and while they're overall better than they have been in the past, that doesn't mean I've "recovered" it means I've learned how to live with my fucked up brain better. In spite of the fact that I keep running into assholes who assume if I'm looking for more mental health resources I must be "at the start of my journey" ffs and this is ableist. The idea that people will get better quickly, inevitably, within a short period of time after they first start trying is ablist and just not based in reality.

4. there is also a culture that makes it almost impossible to talk about this -- have a dialog about this -- without being dismissed as being overly negative, having poor reading comprehension, or being told well of course this didn't mean you therefor your complaint is invalid and meaningless.

5. there may be a case to be made about when it is and isn't appropriate to disagree with other people's posts on social media, especially when you're not mutuals or otherwise some foundation of trust and basically liking each other. But nobody ime ever talks about it in these terms. They say "bad reading comprehension" (also ableist btw, some people actually do have poor reading comprehension mostly related to either difficulties with accessing education or medical conditions/disabilities that they don't control, and don't expect to see an improvement in that any time soon, and could use some patience and understanding around that and not "you suck for having bad reading comprehension (and by implication just aren't trying hard enough to be abled)" and yeah I get nobody really thinks that the people they're accusing of "bad reading comprehension" can't help it but even if that is the case there's a lot of collateral damage here) and argue that the responses are INCORRECT, factually and/or morally, not that whether the response is right or not it's impolite. This is not a useful fault analysis because people generally don't say things that they think are factually or morally incorrect. so the message that comes across is "you can call someone ableist or whatever if other people think you're right, but not if they think you're wrong" which kind of implies that the nature of oppression can accurately be arrived at by sort of polling what most people think? Which is clearly not correct.

treat people like people dammit.

[undiagnosedmentalhealthvibes]

Anyone else feel like they'll always be stuck at a younger age than you really are?

I feel like I'm stuck at 16. And I'm 20.

I have more freedom and experience and knowledge than me at 16. BUT even with all this, I still feel stuck at 16. I feel like I should be 16.

Is this age regression? Because it sucks when I consiously realise it.

I want to act like a child when I have to be an adult. Is this because I feel like I have a lost childhood? Is this because I feel like I had to grow up faster than my actual age at the time?

I've always been told that I was a serious child, a mature child, and never properly understood it.

And what sucks even more now? I have money for the things I wanted as a child. And now I worry about spending too much money. And that adds to my stress list. Even when I have more money in my bank account than my parents put together.

I regulate my spending by doing one small batch of toys a month. It doesn't always work. But it's a start. There's always a good with a small start.

[undiagnosedmentalhealthvibes]

Life sucks. But this is true.

PATRICK STEWART as CAPT. JEAN-LUC PICARD STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION • S02E21 ❝Peak Performance❞

[rogue-of-broken-time]

Okay, but picture:

2018 Seán bringing cabin-in-the-woods Seán to today.

Cabin-in-the-woods Seán not believing the eight-digit number now next to his name to be real.

2018 Seán not explaining to cabin-in-the-woods Seán what PMA is because his younger self needs to learn it on his own– but still telling him that things will turn out alright.

2018 Seán showing cabin-in-the-woods Seán pictures of himself with Felix, Mark, Bob, and Wade at conventions, or with Arin and Danny on stage, or with a girl on a sofa on a talk show, or with Ryan Reynolds and a game controller or two, or with thousands of little green lights waiting to greet him from his very own audiences. 2018 Seán giving cabin-in-the-woods Seán glimpses of fanart and letters from people who haven't found him yet.

Cabin-in-the-woods Seán being absolutely mind-boggled about all of it and 2018 Seán trying not to smile.

Cabin-in-the-woods Seán asking 2018 Seán one question–

…

"How did we get here?"

…

– and 2018 Seán not being able to contain the smile anymore, because he knew he would ask that.

[stranger-to-london]

Seán, trying to get Coke to sponsor him:

Did I combine two great memes? Yes I did.

[ad-gloriam]

2018 SHALL BE MY BITCH

[undiagnosedmentalhealthvibes]

POSITIVE. MENTAL. ATTITUDE.

I changed the conditions of the test. Got a commendation for original thinking. I don’t like to lose.

Requested by anon

[uhharrypls]

Dont hang out with those Pogues

Your new BF Rafe doesn't want you hanging out with your pogue friends anymore and things get physical. You can't hide it from JJ.

----

Pogue by birth, Kook by marriage. You were in an undefined area now that your mother, a pogue, married your now stepdad, a kook. The pogues were accepting of your new house on figure eight but they weren’t so accepting of your new relationship with Rafe Cameron. Your relationship was new and exciting, he was sweet. They just hadn’t gotten the chance to see that side of him yet.

Your family had met the Cameron’s at the country club for lunch one afternoon. You nearly choked on your water as Ward told you about Rafe’s first surf lesson. You stifled a laugh, excusing yourself to the restroom.

You stood outside the bathroom, checking your phone. John B sent you a video of JJ trying to jump off a rope swing, but getting tangled and swinging from it upside down instead. You laughed, typing out a response when arms laced around your waist. You jumped as Rafe’s head rested on your shoulder, his body pressed against your back.

“I was hoping to get you alone tonight.” He whispered in your ear, pressing a kiss to your neck.

You shivered as his kiss sent a chill up your spine. “Hey, you.” You smiled, turning into his arms, tucking your phone away.

He leaned down, pressing a kiss to your lips, sliding his hands into your back pockets.

Your phone vibrated in your back pocket as you pulled out of the kiss.

“Whose got your attention?” He muttered, dipping his head into your neck. He pulled his head back, looking over your screen.

You smiled at your phone, locking the screen again as you looked up. Your smile dropped from your face as you met Rafe’s darkened eyes. “JJ Maybank? Really, Y/N?” He clenched his jaw.

“What? Rafe, stop. They’re my friends.” You craned your neck, pressing a kiss to his cheek.

He turned his face, bringing his hand up to your jaw. “Baby.” He brushed your cheek with his thumb. “Don’t let me see you hanging around those dirty fucking pogues again, okay?” He tightened his grip on your face. “You have a reputation to keep now.” He pressed a gentle kiss against your forehead before storming off.

You furrowed your brow, watching him disappear down the hall. You returned back to lunch, remaining silent as Rafe pretended nothing had happened moments ago.

You brushed off Rafe’s attitude as jealousy. He knew you and your mom were born and raised pogues. He knew they were your friends. He was just jealous. But you were stubborn and you wouldn’t let a jealous boyfriend make decisions for you.

So, when John B called, you answered. The pogues were having a party and you had to be there.

“No, seriously Y/N, it was the funniest shit I’ve ever seen in my life.” John B recalled JJ’s accident.

“God, JJ. You’re a mess.” You laughed, leaning your head on his shoulder.

The night was winding down and the cooler was just about empty. “Shoot, guys. I gotta go. My mom and I have plans super early.” You groaned.

“Need a ride, chief?” Pope stood with you.

You nodded gratefully, waving goodbye to John B, JJ and Kiara before climbing into Pope’s truck.

Pope pulled into your driveway, giving you a questioning look as he registered Rafe sitting on your front steps. “He looks pissed.” He spoke, turning the music down.

“Yeah, he does.” You gulped. “Thanks for the ride, Pope.” You muttered, climbing out.

Pope didn’t pull away until you had reached the front steps and Rafe waved at him with fake sincerity.

“What are you doing here?” You asked innocently.

After Pope’s headlights had disappeared from view, Rafe grabbed your shoulders, pinning you against your front door. “What did I fucking tell you about hanging out with those damn pogues.” He spit, rage filling his eyes.

“Rafe, stop, you’re hurting me.” You wriggled, trying to free yourself.He brought one hand to your throat, the other stroking the top of your head. “You really don’t want to upset me, Y/N. I don’t think straight when I get upset.” He threatened. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” He pulled his hand from your throat, running his finger against your cheek as you flinched away from his touch.

You spent the next few days avoiding your friends. You felt awful but you couldn’t shake Rafe’s threat. You had every intention of ending things with him but you hadn’t worked up the courage yet.

JJ had texted you, letting you know there was a kegger at the boneyard that weekend and he hoped you would be there. You replied a vague I’ll let you know and prayed he didn’t push.

It wasn’t until Sarah Cameron and Topper texted you, insisting you to go to the kegger that you decided you would go. Rafe couldn’t do anything if you were surrounded by people. Besides, if Sarah and Topper were going, he really had no room to get mad at you for seeing your friends. You told yourself you would end things if you saw him there.

You pulled your hair back in two braids and pulled on an old flannel, probably belonging to JJ or John B. You met Sarah and Topper and headed to the boneyard. Rafe was nowhere to be seen, to your relief.

You found your way to the keg, filling a cup when a strong arm wrapped around your shoulder.

“Damn, Y/N. You look great in my clothes.” JJ teased. “Where the hell have you been?” He slurred into your ear, leading you towards the other pogues.

“Sorry, guys. I’ve been busy. I actually, um.” You looked over your shoulder to motion to Sarah when your stomach dropped. Through the flames you watched as Rafe crossed his arms, rage filling his eyes as he stared at you, tucked under JJ’s arm.

“Apple of your eye, eh Y/N?” Pope teased, motioning to Rafe’s rigid stance from across the beach.

You shrugged off JJ’s arm, suddenly feeling constrained by his closeness. You ran your hands down your loose braids, tearing your eyes from Rafe. You stuttered out a rough apology, turning away from the pogues, heading in the direction opposite of Rafe.

“Yo, yo, yo.” JJ called, jogging to catch up with you. “Where you running off to? We haven’t seen you all fucking week.” JJ uttered.

You glanced up behind JJ’s shoulders Rafe began stalking towards you. You tore your eyes from him, looking back at JJ. “I’m so sorry, um, I have to go. We’ll hang out tomorrow, okay? I promise.” You gave his hand a squeeze before turning and jogging up the sandy hill.

You glanced up over your shoulder, sighing with relief when you didn’t see Rafe trailing you.

“Where are you off to, baby?” He spoke sinisterly, popping out in front of you.

“Shit, Rafe. You scared me.” You raised a hand to your chest. You looked around nervously, hoping someone was close enough to see the two of you. There was no one. Just the two of you.

He gave you an ominous smile, craze twinkling in his eyes. “Baby.” He pouted, bringing his hand to your cheek like he had done so many times before.

The smile dropped from his face as he tightened his grip on your cheek, throwing you to the ground. “What did I fucking say?!” He leaned over you, spitting his hateful words into your face.

“Rafe, please. I didn’t come with them. I came with Sarah. And Topper. And, and I was coming to see you.” You pleaded.

He threw his hands into his hair, exhaling as you begged beneath him. “God dammit!” He cried, kicking you in the stomach. “Why can’t you just listen to me?!” He shouted as you curled into yourself.

“Please.” You begged, quieter now.He looked down at you, his expression dropping in concern.

He straddled you, holding your face in his hands. “I didn’t want to do this.” He whispered, stroking your cheek.You pinched your eyes closed, flinching away from his touch. “I’m sorry.”

He bit his lip, pulling his arm back and slapping you across the face. You tasted blood as he leaned down, resting his forehead against yours. “You made me do this.” He cried.

Your lip trembled as he came unhinged, slamming his fist against the ground next to your head, tears streaming down his face. He was ill, he was so mentally ill.

His arm fell limp against the ground. “I love you, Y/N.” He pressed a kiss to your forehead before climbing off of you. He looked down at you, wiping the sweat off his forehead. He shook his head as you curled into a fetal position, before he walked away, leaving you on the ground.

How you had managed to get home, you didn’t know. You climbed into your bathtub, fully clothed, turning the water on. You laid in the ice cold water all night, not able to process what had just happened.

Rafe was sick. He was a sick sociopath and you were so afraid. He had beat the life out of you and professed his love for you in the same 30 second stretch. If he could do this to you, he could do worse to your friends.You had to end things with him, but how could you? He was deeply disturbed, who knew what he was capable of?

You promised. Come over. JJ texted.

Sorry, J. Can’t today. You replied, tears welling in your eyes as you turned away your friends, yet again.

Thought you might bail. Too late. We’re here. He replied. You peered out the window, sure enough, there they were at the end of the dock. JJ waved seeing your head peek through the curtain.

10 minutes. You replied, realizing there was no evading them now.

You stared at your reflection, how could you possibly go on the boat looking like this? You pulled on a bikini, tugging on an oversized sweater on top. You pulled your hair out of your braids, hoping it would shield any marks left from the night before. You pressed concealer to the majority of the bruise on your jaw but frowned, realizing you couldn’t cover your split lip.

You walked out to the dock, glancing over your shoulder as nerves slipped into your stomach.

“There she is!” JJ called, hopping over the edge of the boat onto the dock, opening his arms wide for you.

“Y/N, you realize it’s like, a million degrees out?” John B questioned from the driver’s seat.

“Yeah, uh, I think I’m just getting a head cold or something. Super chilly.” You shrugged, stepping out of JJ’s arms.

“Yeah, whatever. Let’s fuckin’ goooo!” JJ called, jumping back into the boat. He held his hand out to you, helping you climb in.

You curled into a seat in the back of the boat, staring at the water as John B cruised into the marsh.

“So, how’s Rafe?” Pope kicked his feet up next to you as JJ stood at the bow and Kie scolded him. “What happened that night?”

“What night? What do you mean? Nothing happened.” You rambled, pulling at your sweater, worrying he had seen a bruise.

“The night I took you home? He was all pissy on the porch?” Pope raised an eyebrow at your reaction.

“Yeah, dude’s a little bitch, Y/N.” JJ called, jumping down from the bow.

“Let’s swim, guys. It’s so hot.” Kie moaned, stepping out of her shorts.

“As you wish.” John B declared, dropping the anchor.Kie and John B jumped in. Pope shrugged, jumping in after. JJ took a running start, flipping off the stern next to where you were sitting.

“I’m gonna chill up here, I think. Still kinda cold.” You lied.

JJ splashed water up at you, squawking like a chicken.You were drowning in sweat in your sweatshirt. You raised the end, revealing the darkening bruise on your stomach and swallowed a lump in your throat. You definitely would not be swimming today.

After what felt like hours, the crew climbed back into the boat, cruising back to the chateau.

JJ slid in next to you, draping an arm over your shoulder. You flinched slightly at his touch and he looked down at you, squinting his eyes accusingly.

He leaned down into your ear, whispering so no one would hear. “What’s up with you?”

You pursed your lips, shrugging. “Nothing.”

“You can’t hide anything from me, Y/N. You’re off and I’m gonna find out why.” He took a sip of his beer, pulling you closer into his side.

You lit a fire and cozied up outside back at the chateau. It was nice seeing your friends again and you felt safe being around them. But in the back of your mind you feared Rafe would find out and he wouldn’t let you off so easy this time.

“So, Rafe likes it rough, huh Y/N?” John B called from across the fire.

“Rafe? Rough? As if.” JJ scoffed. “He’s a pussy.”

“How else would you explain the busted lip?” John B shrugged, sinking further into the hammock he was swinging in.You laughed, bringing a hand to your lip. Your fingers shaking as you brushed over the cut, recalling every hand he laid on you.

“I’ll be right back. Anyone need a beer?” You called, starting towards the house. You felt the tears pricking at your eyes, fearing they would slip out in front of your friends.

You stepped into the house, letting out a shaky breath. You moved into the bathroom, leaning over the sink.

“Y/N?” JJ whispered. You hadn’t heard him follow you into the house, let alone the bathroom. “Hey, what’s going on?” He stepped forward, placing his hands on either side of your arms.

You, again, flinched at his touch and he noticed. His eyes searched yours for any kind of answer as you felt yourself shrinking in his arms. Your lip trembled as you pulled at the sleeves of your shirt.

JJ’s jaw clenched, dropping his hands. He shoved them in his pockets, looking to the far corner of the bathroom. “What did he do?”

You let out an exasperated sob as you stepped forward, he wrapped his arms around you, leaning his head against yours. He let you sob in his chest for a moment before he ran his hands down your hair, pulling your face back.

He blue eyes fixed on yours as he held your tear-stricken cheeks. “Tell me.”

You looked away, unable to meet his eyes as you pulled up the bottom of your sweatshirt, revealing the swelling bruise that spread across your stomach.

“I’ll kill him.” He flared his nostrils, biting his lip in frustration.“JJ, please. He’s fucking crazy. Just don’t.” You begged.

He scrunched his nose, desperately wanting to get his hands of Rafe’s.

“I’m so scared, J.” You whispered.He sighed, pulling you into his chest.

“You’re okay. I got you. He won’t hurt you anymore.” He whispered into your hair.

--

You unintentionally fell asleep in the hammock outside, tucked into JJ’s side. But you didn’t mind. You felt safe with JJ.

You groaned as a car door slammed, curling your head into JJ’s chest.“Fuck off!” JJ called as footsteps grew closer.

You pulled your head off JJ’s chest, peering over the edge of the hammock, letting out a gasp when you realized who it was.

“JJ.” You whispered, sitting up.

“Y/N, baby, where have you been? Sleeping with a pogue? What have I told you!” Rafe called over, a twisted smile spreading across his face as he beat his fist against his chest.

“Fuck.” JJ muttered, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He climbed out of the hammock, pulling you behind him. “Yo, John B? Mind joining us out here?” JJ called for backup.

“That’s my girlfriend you’ve got there, Maybank.” Rafe paced in front of you two.

John B stepped out of the house, his hair was a mess as he let out a yawn, straightening quickly when he took in the interaction in front of him.

“I think it’s not.” JJ smiled, cracking his knuckles as he stepped forward.

“What’s going on, JJ?” John B called out.

“Our buddy Rafe Cameron likes to hit women.” JJ spit, eyeing up Rafe as they paced around one another. Rafe’s eyes flickered between you and JJ.

John B’s jaw dropped slightly as he looked at you with sad eyes. You nodded slightly, confirming JJ’s accusation.“Rafe, please just go. It’s over.” You tried your best to sound firm.

“I don’t think you are in any position to tell me we’re done.” He sneered, running his tongue across his lower lip. “These pogues are going to be the end of you, baby. Remember last time? The blood and the bruises?” He squinted his eyes in your direction.

JJ nodded, stepping forward. “You’re dead.” He declared, lunging at Rafe, knocking him to the ground. He easily straddled him, throwing punch after punch into his face.

“JJ, stop!” You cried as blood began to pour down Rafe’s nose and out his mouth. “John B, stop him! He’s going to kill him!” You cried, throwing your hands into your hair.

John B jogged over to the two rolling around in the dirt, pulling JJ off Rafe’s limp body. “Alright, big guy. You got him, you’re good.” He said as JJ wiped the blood off his lip.

Tears welled in your eyes as Rafe stood, spitting blood in your direction before stalking off.

JJ turned to you, the rage melting off his face as he met your frightened eyes. He opened his arms, stepping towards you as you crashed into his chest.

“I got you, Y/N. You’re okay.” He whispered.

You pulled back, holding his jaw in your hand. You ran your thumb across his cheek, steaked with blood, sweat, and dirt as you searched his eyes.

Your eyes pulled from his, down to his lips. You ran your thumb across the cut on his bottom lip, nearly identical to your own. You looked back up to his eyes as he stared down at you.

You took his jaw, pulling his mouth to yours, pressing an urgent kiss to his.

You kept your forehead pressed to his as you pulled your lips back ever so slightly. “Thank you.” You whispered.

[felikatze]

i've reached orv ch487 so i am thinking abt the 999ths because they make me so mentally ill and i'm procrastinating reaching the finale

first of all the very concept of them is so so good. bcuz like, the moment when yjh vowed to not regress was when he was gravely injured and kdj treated him, right? and yjh's attitude was like 'this world will move on without me' (which is a somewhat repeating concept throughout orv) except the opposition he meets is "we dont want to see the conclusion without you" and now he doesnt want to abandon anybody ever again right

so here come the people he HAS abandoned, who saw the conclusion without him, and who just. regretted it so much. that's payoff to a great set-up right there, and shows a "worst" case what could've happened to the cast if yjh rlly bit it back then

except the 999th gang are also a great thematic mirror for kdj's character development since their whole motivation is finding yjh again (kim na-woon) and going back to how it used to be (yi ji-hye) and like

their whole reason for going on is yjh, which is already similar to pre-plot kdj who clung to wos to keep himself alive, and they're also similar in how they both enshrined yjh as a character in their minds

especially the 999th uriel is just incapable of accepting that yjh has changed. She's just so blinded by who she remembers that she's utterly convinced that her yjh was "taken away" by the person he had become.

The inability to accept change caused a Lot of conflict between yjh and kdj already so it's a neat twist to have him be the one to see how different yjh has become, especially since both he and the 999th gang are people who 'witnessed yjh's story.'

it's ALSO a great moment for yjh himself since it shows how he reconciles the current him with the past he has forgotten, and his conclusion is that all of his selves are him; the division is artificial. That harkens back to how the kkoma yjhs were when secretive plotter had his first big appearance: they were all part of him. yjh is one continuous existence, so there is no way to bring the 999th yjh back. yjh himself says the 999th is, for all intents and purposes, dead.

the 999th gang also makes me so sad bcuz what they're doing betrays everything the 999th wanted of them and for them. it's notable that only the 999th yi hyun-seong is friendly toward the current cast because he dedicated himself to upholding yjh's ideals, which include not making deals with the star stream and no going back

it's so. on the one turn yjh opens up to his companions and confesses the truth of his existence, all the agony he lived and how he doesnt want it to happen again, the 999th yi ji-hye decides that a do over would fix this? which to me is like, the worst possible betrayal at this point. and then you have to wonder how much she really understood yjh when he was still with her, and how much uriel understood him if she refuses his current self. it makes me so sad.

it just makes me sad. dammit dude. they dedicated their lives to finding someone only to realize the person he's become isn't who they want. they do get over it a little bit by giving up their positions as calamities but still it just. grhrhg. awooga.

[emotionalsupportshelby]

I've just ranted to @pipsqueak-loves-everything about ALL of Tommys trauma so here we go:

(I've probably forgot some things but let's go)

immigrant parents who Moved about a lot

Poor af

Dad never there and when he was possibly abused/beat him and the bros... Can't remember if that's cannon or just fan theories but wouldn't surprise me

Mum commited suicide

He sat for 6 weeks and, watched his First and possibly only true love die

Then was drafted into the war with 2 of his brothers and even more to that one of his younger brothers

Had one of the worst possible positions in the war which leads to ptsd nightmares and horrors, was in charge so had a lot of lives following his orders.. Lost 100s of people to which he prob has on his conscious, not knowing if he was going to ever make it home again, fought brave af to earn several medals, got mentally scarred, watched horses die which he said he never got used to... People dying sure horses no

2 closest friends Danny and Barney being HELLA mentally fucked by it, so much so Barney was in a padded cell, prob feeling like he's, the reason behind that cuz he was supposed to 'look out for them', watched Arthur lose it as well

And THEN returned after ALL he fucking went through and was expected to return to normal with no help

And that's before we get to the first series

then we get to season one

him and his closest friend since school have fallen out massively and ada is now preg with that dudes kid

best friend is losing it so much so Tommy has to fake kill him to keep him from being killed

The business he started before has boomed not giving him time to rest

He prob still has that Sargent attitude of if they see me weak they'll panic sorta thing

Dad came back stole money then fucked off

Arthur tried to kill himself

The girl he was falling for betrayed him

Being too scared to sleep incase the imaginary shovels come through the wall before the sun

Season 2

Friends dead

Brothers mental health worsening

Girl he loved moved on

Buisness is on the high again

Almost being killed - several times (I've gotta theory bout one scene I'll come back to this)

Aunt raped

Bros and cousin framed

Season 3

Started off finally 'happy'... Wife.. Son and taking a small step back imo

Then grace a stability for Tommy gets killed

His dad dies

He's against the priest who molested his cousin

The same priest takes his son, the last reminder of his wife

Has a fractured skull and is close to death

Is in WAAAAAY over his head with business - even had to deal with it on his Wedding day

End of season 3 had to imprison his family so that they would then be safe and pardoned for their crimes

Because of that in season 4

Aunt who he is probably close to the most hates him and is on drugs

Both of his in laws hate him

John gets shot and killed, Esme takes, his nephews.. Which fair but at the same time no

His cousin betrays his trust by not telling Tommy there was a plan for his death

Brother was seriously injured

Had to kill another of his friends then look after his dog...

Was reminded of his first (only) love who died, was thinking of her whilst fucking Lizzie which must have been sad af when he realised it was lizzie he was having a kid with and not Greta like he planned/wanted

Was then told to go on a break because business had stopped which was his first break since the war

Had a COMPLETE psychotic break

War ptsd in full effect

Imagining planes flying and bombing

Scared of fox hunting

Then turned to drowning his sorrows in alcohol which lead to his son being taken away for safety and his aunt going to the doctor on his behalf

Break was too much so then threw himself into politics which leads to

Season 5!

Boy is on more drugs than we've ever seen him on

He's hallucinating his dead wife and not only that his hallucinations are blaming him for his wife's death which shows he's still blaming himself 6+ years later (didnt realise it had been that long)

Kills the horse that his wife had because the horse wasn't mentally there

Which leads to his, son hating him

His cousin lost a LOT of the buisnesses money not listening to Tommy

Arthur is probably at the lowest he's ever been which leads to him turning to Tommy when Tommy can't handle it himself but puts pressure on himself cuz #sargentmajor

His work is the most stressful he's had to deal with, people looking down at him because of how he grew up

Most suicidal he's ever been

Is telling his sister to keep her kids & baby away from him

Also his work ends up getting his sisters boyfriend and baby daddy killed

As well as a child in the process

His marriage isn't healthy, his, wife guilting him saying he scares the kids + keeping them away from him

Is around the substance he abuses the most and had excess amounts of it

His plan goes wrong which leads to his best friend who was sectioned after the war because of his, shocking mental health and his aunts new boyfriend being killed also thinking he's found a man he can't defeat

Now I'm sorry but Tommy better get happiness at the end of season six because no one deserves it more than him dammit

[undiagnosedmentalhealthvibes]

YOU CAN DO THIS!

YOU CAN GET OVER THIS!

[undiagnosedmentalhealthvibes]

FEK YOU PINTEREST! JUST DROPPING THESE BOMBS ONTO ME WHILST IM IN CLASS!

FEK MY MASKING SKILLS! I'm happy to say I'm still working on trying to take off my mask.. it's slow but it's getting there :3

But...

PINTREST YOU STALKER. HOW DO YOU READ MINDS?! HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO GOOGLE AGAIN?!

[amateurasstrologer]

THE PLANETS #3 MERCURY (IN THE HOUSES)

Sweet Mercury. Our baby celestial, dying to be understood. There’s more to little Mercury than meets the eye, so listen up.

If you take only one thing away from this shit, let it be this: Mercury represents an internal process - where Mercury falls points towards where you’re using your brain. Bullshit Astrology will try to convince you that Mercury shows how you communicate and how you express yourself. Yes, but also no. Don’t succumb to this basic ass understanding, people!! Mercury is deeper than this - literally. Mercury gathers up the goods and sets up shop inside your mf brain. Yes, communication and your ability to small talk stem from your thought process, but all that shit is secondary. Stick to the primary source you little history babies.

The best way to think about Mercury is to think about Venus. These two are peas in a damn pod. Why? They’re both judgemental. But. While Venus is your typical mean girl, Mercury just sticks to the fucking facts.

For example, take this given: the sky is blue. Mercury looks at the situation and says: okay, the sky is blue, the sky is not green. Venus looks at the sky and says: I love the color blue, green is fucking ugly good thing the sky isn’t green. They’re both making a judgement call, but Mercury’s call is a purely objective understanding, and Venus’s is based on a personal preference. Mercury sits in your brain and helps you differentiate between this and that; Venus sits wherever tf she sits and helps you respond emotionally to shit that you value.

Put another way: why does Mercury rule Gemini and Virgo? Judgement calls. Gemini is all about you discovering yourself. The Mercury influence there helps you differentiate between “you” and “not you” - Gemini goes out and does all these things to figure out who it even is and Mercury is behind the curtain going, “yes, you hit on something real there,” and “no, that wasn’t really you bitch, drop the act.” Same shit is happening with Virgo. Virgo is all about self-improvement - we need Mercury behind the scenes, making the “yes, this will move us forward” or “no, this will set us back” decision or else we aren’t improving shit. A Mercury judgement is objective - it takes in all the facts and makes a call. It’s not personal, it’s all business.

Mercury represents how we understand the world, mentally. Mercury is the sweet little computer in our brain that’s taking stock and running metrics and not giving a fuck because there are no feelings involved in Mercury’s process. Mercury is black and white, yes and no, this and that. No in-between. The only time Mercury goes from “right on” to “completely wrong,” is when it trades in objective analysis for personal taste. Stop. Leave the feelings to Venus. Mercury works best when it’s calm, cool and collected.

As always, particulars for the party people:

MERCURY IN THE FIRST (1) YES: these sweet freaks are unleashing the beast on their inner life - every thing that has ever happened to them getting analyzed to the point of no return; they believe they’re different than everyone else and they are gonna prove it. NO: one day decided all facts were irrelevant and took up permanent residence inside their own mind, made it their job to feel intellectually superior to everyone else.

MERCURY IN THE SECOND (2) YES: these sweet freaks are testing out every belief system and mental approach ever used to solve a problem, choosing the most effective ones, and thinking their way through every challenge they come into contact with without even breaking a sweat. NO: fucking rude, totally intolerant of everyone around them, deep-throating Traditional Thinking & Outdated Values’ dick for no reason - get over it.

MERCURY IN THE THIRD (3) YES: these sweet freaks are seeing straight though your shit, because they can find patterns in everything. When they’re not fixing every problem in their vicinity with practical solutions they’re adjusting to their environment like a damn chameleon good Lord where are they are they even still here? NO: using their mega-rationality to justify gross behavior, taking zero responsibility for their actions, denial level 10000.

MERCURY IN THE FOURTH (4) YES: these sweet freaks are getting in touch with their values, and once they do look out because they will not deviate from what they feel is Right. These deep, creative minds are hot-wired to find connections between all people, places and things. NO: too scared to figure it out, falling back on thinking that’s culturally/ socially/ religiously narrow-minded, RIP to their sense of self.

MERCURY IN THE FIFTH (5) YES: these sweet freaks are getting their fucking feelings out and everyone is loving it. Their sweet little brains are made to create and they are ready to relate, no one can express themselves like these bitches. It’s just the truth. NO: can’t just have a regular fucking experience because they’re too busy thinking about how they’re gonna sell that shit later, overly self-conscious, stop it you’re doing way too much.

MERCURY IN THE SIXTH (6) YES: these sweet freaks are a whole new kinda leader - their brains are totally focused on dealing with personal changes and social issues, crystal clear thinking let’s these babies soar through emotional shit with clarity and an organized plan. NO: True Life: Living Without A Backbone, self-sabotage level 10000, lacking the inner-strength to look at their shit objectively - get it together dammit you should be fixing the world.

MERCURY IN THE SEVENTH (7) YES: these sweet freaks just have a really strong mental approach to life, they’re lookin at all kinds of shit without getting in their feelings about it, they’re out here chatting it up, down to participate in life and always open to learning from other people’s experiences. NO: took it way too far, fucked around and isolated themselves in a sweet mind prison, one day decided different viewpoints were useless and totally lost sight of reality.

MERCURY IN THE EIGHTH (8) YES: these sweet freaks fucking love relationships (of any kind, don’t have to be human-to-human) - their brains are locked in on seeing past surface level shit and into the core of their connections, working through relationship issues is their favorite pastime. NO: one day decided you weren’t trying to cooperate with them and got fucking ruthless on your ass and/or completely lack the sense of self to apply their resolution abilities, let everything go to shit, then blamed you for it.

MERCURY IN THE NINTH (9) YES: these sweet freaks worship clear thinking and objectivity, they’re fucking ready to plan and discuss their goals, your goals - all the goals all of the plans all of the values - these bitches are going to write about them, sing about them, whatever. It’s going to be real and it’s going to be good. NO: the most closed-minded to ever live, picked the wrong hill to die on, bleeding out over some shit they don’t even understand, lost in the sauce.

MERCURY IN THE TENTH (10) YES: these sweet freaks can focus (I mean, for real, they will not be deterred) and focus they will on solving complex social problems and adjusting to meet the intellectual needs of their crew. These babies are quick as a whip and got serious intellectual versatility. NO: second-guessing every decision they’ve ever made, zero accountability for their social position, completely emotionally repressed mess. 

MERCURY IN THE ELEVENTH (11) YES: these sweet freaks got intellect and they are not afraid to use it (to work through all kinds of cultural issues), on the look out for other smarties to check out all those beautiful, imaginary-but-hopefully-not-for-long horizons and ponder progressive ideals with. NO: never focused a day in their life, acting clever laughing everything off but actually dying inside and refusing to do anything about it.

MERCURY IN THE TWELFTH (12) YES: these sweet freaks are flipping the script and revamping every outdated collective ideal that crosses their mind - a healthy level of seclusion let’s these babies speculate way out into the future, so that they can formulate fresh social attitudes and actions. NO: Academy Award for Victim of Their Own Self-Created Loneliness, "what’s the use” oh my God shut up already and just try to change. Just try it.

Happy Charting, bitches. Unleash your brains.

XO BULLSHIT FREE ASTROLOGY

[undiagnosedmentalhealthvibes]

Because I set goals to help me stay alive!

Because I try my best to keep interested in my hobbies!

Because I have a baby brother!

Because I want to be a firefighter!

Because I want to achieve!

Because 30 people follow me on my public Instagram!

Because two people on Discord want me to be happy!

Even if I've been struggling with undiagnosed depression, burn out, multiple undiagnosed mental health issues, and suicidal thoughts on and off for the past 6 - 7 years.

Even if it's something small, I try make it big and positive.

[imaginesandinserts]

Irreverent Pt. 19 - Interrogation

Title: Irreverent Pt. 19 - Interrogation Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x Reader Rating: R Words: 4732

Irreverent Series Masterlist

While you all waited to figure out a plan to apprehend Doyle and bring down whatever nefarious plot your father was concocting, the team still had regular cases to attend to.

This time you'd found yourself getting called out to San Diego where there had been a rash of missing men in their late thirties to early forties and so far only one body had turned up.

"So, we're thinking female Unsub, right?" Derek asked, as the team was settling into the jet.

"Given the sexual assault evidence on the body found and the age of the victims, along with the fact that the eyes were gouged out, it would appear so, yes," Rossi affirmed, sitting down across from Hotch, leaving the seat across from you blissfully empty. You quickly shot him a grateful smile and stretched your legs to reach the other seat.

"Eye gouging is preferential to female Unsubs, with odds of a female Unsub being involved in the event of eye gouging to be 5:1," Reid piped in as he took a seat across from Morgan at the other end of the aisle.

Emily had rushed to occupy the large couch and you knew she was about to pass out as soon as the plane took off. The two of you had had a night of drinking wine at your place and had not been expecting the call to come in at 7am. You'd thanked your lucky stars that you'd thought to drink enough water and that you were still young enough to avoid the worst of hangovers as long as you took that precaution.

JJ was rummaging through the snack cabinets for Cheetos and you asked her to toss you a bag of chips to help settle your stomach.

"Here you go," JJ said, lobbing the bag of Lays at you while you were distracted with your seatbelt. You looked up to see the bag hurling towards your face and it would've reached its destination had Hotch's reflexes not helped his hand to leap out right in front of your face, preventing you from taking a hit. He gently placed it in your lap.

"Thanks, Hotch. Just for that, you can have some," you joked, opening the bag and offering him the first chip. He smiled at you and took two, causing you to giggle and roll your eyes. He'd been more lighthearted lately, something that was unexpected for you all. You'd think with Doyle hanging over your heads that Hotch would be even more grim than usual, but he had maintained a somewhat positive attitude - for him at least.  Even Emily had brought it up the night prior as the two of you sipped flutes of expensive champagne that Cedric had sent you in hopes to reconcile. It hadn't worked but it would be a crime not to drink it. "I wonder if Hotch is dating someone?" Emily had mused, suggestively raising her brows. You'd shot that down - you couldn't quite see him dating anyone yet.

The plane ride continued on with the team talking about the case and then everyone splitting off to do their own thing. You looked over to see Emily passed out on the couch as predicted. Seeing as you would be landing in a couple of hours and would be expected to push on full steam ahead, getting some sleep didn't seem like the worst idea. You turned towards the window and closed your eyes with Hotch still looking over the case files beside you.

As you slowly woke up while the plane was making its descent, you felt the warmth of a body next to you, before realizing you were holding onto someone's arm and burrowed into the side of the body that arm was attached to. Rossi noticed your eyes opening first and he shot you a smirk as the realization that you basically held Hotch hostage in your slumber caught up to you. The blood immediately rushed to your face as you moved away from Hotch and released your grip on his arm. How long had you been asleep like that? Why hadn't he just pushed you away back towards the window?

"Sorry," you mumbled to Hotch as he was now aware that you were awake.

He looked amused by your embarrassment. "Oh it's okay. Anytime." You could tell he hadn't meant to say the last bit because he quickly looked away, busying himself with gathering his stuff. Rossi looked suspiciously smug. You made a mental note to ask Hotch about that later.

Hotch had been the bearer of Rossi's smugness while you slept. The Italian man hadn't stopped throwing him looks the second you'd moved away from the window and grabbed his arm like it was a pillow.

"Stop that," he'd muttered, not meeting Rossi's eyes, instead choosing to look at you as you slept, tucked into him, looking smaller and more innocent than ever before.

"I didn't say anything." The mirth in his voice was infuriating.

"You didn't have to."

Hotch just shook his head in disapproval. Rossi had asked him about you before. Out of everyone on the team, he was perhaps the only one who had caught on to Hotch's true feelings towards you, which he stifled on a daily basis. Hotch had denied it of course. It wasn't appropriate - your positions, your age difference - no matter how cute you looked as you clutched his arm tight to your body.

*------------*

It had been a rough case as you worked against the clock to identify the Unsub. The latest victim, Justin Chambers, a single father to a little girl, had been taken from his home. Based on what you knew of the disappearance of the only victim whose body you had found, the Unsub kept the victims for 48 hours before disposing of them. You were already into hour 24.

You knew the Unsub was female, in her thirties, and based on the evidence of assault, you had a working profile that she was single or recently divorced. Reid had built a geographic profile based on the location of where the one body had been found and where the other men had gone missing from.

You looked over the details of all the missing victims again and you were all getting frustrated. Morgan and Prentiss were canvassing the neighborhood where the last man had gone missing while the rest of the team was trying to figure out anything else about the Unsub that could narrow down the search.

You stood up to grab another cup of coffee - you had to be stealthy because JJ was ready to cut you off after your last one. As you walked to the break room, you saw Hotch there, getting a refill as well.

"Any luck?" he asked, as he saw you walk in purposefully to the coffee pot.

"Nope"

But, as you reached for the pot, he suddenly moved it out of reach.

"What're you doing?" you asked, annoyed at being denied your caffeine fix despite the little twitch you'd started to develop in your left eyelid.

"JJ said you're cut off," he smirked at you, relishing the game of deprive-Y/N-of-coffee.

"JJ isn't the boss of me!" you said, narrowing your eyes, trying to swipe the pot from him but he moved it further than you could reach without tackling him. And that would be taking it too far. Right? Tackling your boss for coffee was frowned upon in most professional settings, you were sure. Then again, most professional bosses wouldn't deprive a good worker of their caffeine fix.

"Ugh, whatever. Be that way."

He merely raised his eyebrows looking amused at you giving up so quickly.

But as you looked at Hotch, you had a thought. Hotch could tell you had had a realization as you wordlessly walked back to the conference room where the team had been set up.

"Hey Garcia, all the victims, they had girlfriends or wives right?" you asked, directed at the screen Garcia had occupied since you all had setup.

"Yes, they did."

"Can you pull them up?"

"One second." The screen was quickly populated by driver's license pictures of women in their mid twenties. You knew what the trigger was.

"They're all young, y/h/c, and petite. Garcia, that list of suspects, narrow it down to just the ones who've been divorced before, what does that give you?"

"We go down from 250 to 100. Still not narrow enough."

"Narrow it further by women whose previous partners are now remarried."

"40"

"Remove any of the ones whose exes married a woman above the age of thirty."

"Leaves 5."

"Dammit, okay. Can you pull up pictures of all the new wives?"

"Yeah, here you go."

As you looked at the five new pictures, your eye was caught by the third woman, whose face most closely matched the victims' girlfriends.

"The third one, is she pregnant?"

"Yes! Omg how did you know?"

"Who's the ex-wife of that girl's husband?"

"Carol Conway."

"That's her, that's the Unsub."

Hotch and Reid had followed your train of thought, agreeing that the marriage of the ex to a new, younger wife, with whom he was now expecting the child the Unsub never got, was the secondary trigger.

Hotch called in the address to the others as you all quickly put on vests and headed towards the Unsub's rental property, which was the most likely location. "That was quick thinking in there," Hotch praised as you adjusted the radio to dial into the police frequency. "Thanks." You wanted to avoid telling him what made you think of it. You didn't want to tell him that it had been inspired by the thought of him - an older man - with you - and the reactions that would garner from people. Something told you Hotch wouldn't like hearing that you'd thought of the two of you in that light.

Due to traffic, by the time you guys made it there, Morgan and Prentiss had already gone in and subdued the Unsub. As you and Hotch walked towards the house, Morgan was walking a handcuffed Carol Conway to a squad car. You happened to make eye contact with her, and then watched as her gaze moved to Hotch. The look in her eyes made you felt a roll of disgust go through you, and you were happy to see her being put into the back of the cop car.

After the team was back at the police station, Reid and Rossi were going to take the interrogation, with the aim of discovering the location of the other bodies.

You, Hotch, Morgan, and Prentiss stood on the other side of the mirror as Rossi and Reid tried to get her to spill by taunting her with her jealousy, but it didn't appear to be working. She kept looking straight ahead, entirely disengaged.

As Reid and Rossi exited unsuccessfully, you all turned back to the drawing board, knowing that finding the bodies of the victims was crucial. You began to think of a way to break her.

While everyone else was talking, your thoughts went back to how you'd initially identified her.

"Uh oh, you got thinky face on." Derek's voice drew you out of your thoughts, and you saw the others still arguing over the best course of action. Derek must've sensed your hesitation in voicing your idea, so he quickly got everyone to quiet down. All eyes were on you.

You cleared your throat, "When Morgan was walking Carol to the squad car, I noticed that she looked at Hotch." You turned to look directly at him - apology painted on your face. "I think we stand a chance by using you. Dangling what she can't have in front of her face again - showing it be stolen by someone else."

Hotch looked a little embarrassed but nodded along in understanding. "You'll have to come in with me. You look the most like the girlfriends and you're the right age."

"Yeah, okay. Let's do this."

As you got to the door to the interrogation room, you took a deep breath. "Hey, Hotch, when we get in there, pull out my chair, okay?"

"You have a plan, I'm guessing?"

"Oh yeah, I definitely have a plan."

"Alright, then I'll follow your lead."

As he opened the door and allowed you in first, you got to see Carol's eyes widen as she got a glimpse of Hotch entering the room. You could've sworn her pupils dilated.

Hotch got to the chair to the left and pulled it out for you. You were about to put on a show. You did your best to flounce into the chair, and smiled sweetly at Hotch. "Thanks honey."

You immediately caught Carol's face turning towards you. Gotcha

Hotch began to interrogate her again, trying to plead to her humanity. He reminded her of the children and families left behind of the victims - those who deserved closure.

You made sure to channel your inner mean girl and kept a permanent smirk on your face, staring down Carol.

After much talking from Hotch, you decided enough was enough. Lights, camera, action.

"You've never had a man that was yours before, have you Carol?" That earned you an angry glare from the Unsub.

You stood up and walked past Hotch, trailing a hand across his shoulders as you came to stand behind Carol. You leaned in close to her ear, knowing that would be your best option at getting a reaction, and then made direct eye contact with Hotch. She noticed.

"Carol, have you ever had a man look at you like he wants you? Like you're the only thing he wants?" Your voice was low and soft. "I don't think you have. If you had you wouldn't be able to settle for a man you have to coerce."

"I didn't -" she began to deny again, but you weren't about to let her.

"But you did Carol. And I get it. It must be hard, it must've been hard when you were discarded by Ted because he thought the sex wasn't good. You felt old, used up, especially when he traded you in for a younger model."

You noted the tension in her shoulders and her controlled shallow breathing. She was hanging onto your every word. You made eye contact with Hotch again, knowing you were reflected in the mirror for Carol to see.

"Have you ever had a man press you up against a wall because he had to have you right then and there, Carol?" You adjusted your hair, careful to wet your lips casually, before continuing, "You see, I don't think you have, because if you'd seen the way he looks right before he enters you - if you'd ever seen the way his face looks when he's lost in you, like you're the only thing that matters - if you'd ever seen the way his voice gets deeper and harsher as he fucks into you and the face he makes when he comes inside you knowing that's the only thing he ever wants to do - if you'd seen all that from a man, there's no way you'd have forced them Carol." You slowly moved to stand upright and walk back to the other side, coming to stand right behind Hotch. Placing a hand on his shoulder, you look right at Carol before finishing, "Because nothing else compares."

She broke then and began to cry.

"Where are the other bodies Carol? Tell us," you asked, ignoring her tears. Hotch was tense beneath your touch, waiting for an answer.

Her voice came out choked and breathy. "By the riverbed, in front of the old warehouse."

You knew the team heard and would now be organizing a search for the bodies. Your hand was still on Hotch's shoulder, so you quickly removed it, and walked out of the room, eager to put as much distance as possible between the two of you. That had been crossing a line, of some sort, you just weren't sure which one.

Hotch couldn't believe that had just happened. When you'd gotten up and started talking to Carol, he hadn't been sure of the approach. But then she hung on to every word. Hotch found himself hanging onto every word too. When you made eye contact with him, he felt a jolt of need shoot through him. As you described sex - really good sex - to Carol, all his mind did was picture pushing you against a wall, fucking you, coming inside you. And then you'd come back around and touched him and it was a miracle he hadn't groaned out loud. In an interrogation room. With an Unsub as witness.

Hotch slowly got up and walked out of the room just to see you walking away. He made the unfortunate mistake of making eye contact with Rossi, who was just outright laughing at him now.

He was screwed.

*------------*

You hadn't talked to Hotch directly since the interrogation of Carol Conway. You'd walked away feeling incredibly embarrassed at how you'd coerced a confession. While it had been a good idea and had worked, you feared you'd gone too far in the heat of the moment. You hadn't been able to resist looking right at him and describing scenes you'd only dreamt of. You were a bit of a hypocrite for having taunted Carol that way. Sex like that - it only existed when you were by yourself and imagining it.

Unfortunately, your interesting technique had opened the floodgates for Derek and Emily to start playing Dirty Truth or Truth on the plane ride back. The two of them together were a lethal combination of impulsivity and lack of boundaries. Derek had dialed in Penelope so she could also join in, knowing she'd be upset at having missed this.

You listened to Emily describe her sexual encounter with a couple back in her college days, in response to JJ's question on threesomes. You could feel yourself getting embarrassed but knew that you were the reason this was even the topic at hand. Hotch had quickly and smartly excused himself from the conversation, citing the need to make a dent in his unending pile of paperwork. As you had no such excuse, you were not able to make as easy of an escape.

You were dreading a question landing on you that you couldn't just give a quick no to. While you were okay flirting and teasing and talking about sex in a general sense, talking about your own sexual exploits was a whole different thing. You knew that the team expected you to be the wild child when it came to all this, and so far your response to the questions around threesomes and public sex had been received with some amount of disappointment.

Hotch was trying to focus on the casework but he couldn't help himself from tuning in to the raucous conversation the rest of you were engaged in, especially anytime you answered a question. Rossi had sat down across from him, a shit-eating grin permanently stuck on his face.

As everyone settled down after Emily's story, it was Penelope's turn to ask. "Hmmm," she twirled a lock of her hair and gave Derek bedroom eyes. "How many knotches has everyone got on their bedpost?" That question was definitely geared at Derek as she'd voiced being curious about it a while back, but you'd all be answering it.

Spencer elected to get it out of the way and quickly said, "Three, and no Morgan, I'm not telling you who they were."

Derek laughed, before motioning towards JJ and Emily to go next.

"Honestly, I have no idea. My lost year was more of a lost decade," she said, laughing and shooting you a quick teasing wink.

"Seven," JJ said while popping a cheeto into her mouth. You looked to gauge Spencer's reaction and you could see his face fall just a bit.

All eyes were turned to you, as whatever Derek's answer would be was the one Penelope would focus on and drag out.

You sighed, but knew you didn't want to lie. "Two," you quickly mumbled, hoping if you said it fast enough you'd all just move on to Derek and it would be over.

But of course you don't have that kind of luck.

"Wait, what? No no, that doesn't make sense. You were New York's top party girl," Emily asked, looking shocked and disbelieving.

"Yeah, well," you trailed off shrugging.

"You're telling me Reid's banged more people than you, Y/N? Come on!" Derek groaned, knowing that Spencer would be ecstatic at not being the lowest anymore.

"Wait, who were they? Please tell me you didn't pass up the chance to sleep with that Cedric boy - he was fine!" Garcia's voice crackled loudly through the tablet speakers.

"My ex-fiancé, Matthew, and then just one other guy - a friend - during my time in New York who I see on occasion," you explained, your cheeks aflame.

"Wait, New York was over four years ago, so you're telling me you haven't met anyone new since…," Emily's voice trailed off as they all looked at you.

You decided to try and laugh it off. "What can I say Em, I'm a bit of a prude when it comes to actually sleeping with someone."

"Huh." You could feel her judging you. You knew Emily had felt closer to you when you'd both been grouped under the Wild Child Exploits label.

"Alright, well my turn then," Derek began, sensing your discomfort and drawing everyone's attention towards him. He was good like that.

You decided to get up and grab a drink instead of listen to Derek regale everyone with tales of the multiple women he'd taken home with him. As you rummaged through the mini fridge at the back, you felt someone's presence behind you. Turning, you saw Hotch standing in the aisle, looking a bit concerned.

"You okay?" He moved to grab something from the snack cabinets to disguise your conversation from the others.

"You heard that, did you? I thought you were too mature for such games with colleagues," you teased. He just looked at you expectantly, still waiting for an answer.

"Yeah, I just, yeah, it's fine, don't worry about it." You fidgeted with the sparkling water bottle you'd grabbed. You just wanted to get back to your seat and sleep the rest of the plane ride home.

"You can ask, you know. I don't mind playing if its just us" He smiled at you gently, giving you permission. The double entendre of his words also wasn't lost on you. It sent butterflies through your stomach.

"I don't have to," you replied, a sad smile making its way onto your face. You knew it was just Haley for him.

"It's okay to be picky about that kind of stuff. Save it for people who are special."

You looked up into his eyes and there was something there. Something deeper. Something darker, secret. Maybe Emily was right and he was dating someone.

You swallowed, before simply nodding and making your way back to your seat, feeling his eyes on you. His look didn't make you feel uncomfortable though. As you settled down back into your seat and met his eyes again across the way, you realized that you didn't mind his gaze at all - on the contrary, it made you feel achingly desired.

You found yourself really hoping Emily was wrong.

*------------*

Hotch was burning the midnight oil once again as Jack was with Jess and he hadn't wanted to wake either of them late. With JJ poached by the CIA, his paperwork had doubled easily. It was nearly 11pm by the time he noticed how quiet the building had gotten. The bullpen was empty and his eyes wandered to your desk - neat and tidy with your chair pushed in. Compared to yours, Prentiss's looked like a paper bomb had exploded over it.

"You got time for a drink?" Rossi had popped in with a bottle of scotch and two glasses.

Hotch smiled and beckoned him in, meeting him at the couch. "What're you still doing here?"

"I thought I'd see how long you like to stay, but I think I've hit my limit for waiting," he said, handing Hotch a glass.

They clinked their glasses and then sat down on Hotch's couch. The quiet in the office at night was something Hotch always relished and it was nice to share that with someone. But he had a feeling that Dave wasn't there just to have a drink together, so he waited, allowing him to speak.

"Aaron, have you dated since Haley?"

Hotch's eyes focused on the same point on the opposite end that you usually looked at when he asked you difficult questions. "You know I haven't."

"Do you feel ready to?" Dave observed him over the rim of his glass, the amber liquid casting a glow around his hand.

Hotch contemplated that. It had been a while since Haley's death and even longer since their divorce. In the final days of their marriage, he'd known Haley was seeing another man. Out of guilt at having forced her into an affair, he'd never asked her the nature of the relationship. Truth be told, he'd been ready not too long after the divorce, but dating required time - something Hotch never seemed to have enough of to give. Haley's death hadn't felt like the death of his ex-wife. It had felt like the death of his life partner - he'd always thought that no matter what they were, at least he'd always have her because of Jack. Jack was doing better though and had been for a while. Hotch himself had grieved and taken time and he didn't dream about her every night anymore.

He looked up to see Dave observing him carefully. Hotch knew he was being profiled right now, but it was Dave so he chose not to mind so much. He matched Dave's gaze then and with a slight uplift of his mouth, he revealed, "Yes, I think I am."

"That's good Aaron." Rossi seemed pleased by the admission. "So why aren't you asking Y/N out?"

And there it was. Hotch shook his head at Rossi's question. "Dave, come on, you know why."

"No, can't say I do. She's smart, attractive, accomplished. She has fire - I know you know that. Jack loves her and she's great with him. She has the same job as you, so she'd understand the time constraints and the emotional toll the job can have. I can't think of a single reason why you shouldn't ask her. Especially since you've been in love with her for quite some time now."

"I'm not in -" Hotch started to say but stopped as Dave rose his eyebrows.

"Don't do that Aaron. Don't lie to me even if you're lying to yourself and everyone else."

Hotch's voice took on a tortured quality as he spoke next, the glass of scotch in his hand long forgotten. "She's so young, Dave. She's got her whole life ahead of her - she would have no problem getting a guy her own age - a guy that's better. She deserves that."

"But what if she doesn't want them?"

"You heard her father, Dave - men who go after women that young - lecherous old men - that's what he called them. That's what he called me."

Dave sighed, feeling sorry for the man in front of him. "And how would she feel knowing that those words - words that she spoke up against immediately, words that forced her to finally cut her father out of her life - what if she knew that those were the words holding you back from her. How would she feel knowing her father was able to have that control over you - over her?"

Hotch felt the burden of shame that Dave's words had bestowed upon him. He was right. You would be furious that he had let your father get to him.

"Think about it Aaron. Don't deny yourself happiness because you're worried what other people might think. Pretty sure its up to her to decide what she deserves."

[klausalvatores]

people desperate that their ship is sinking, i doubt that any new watchers are going to start shipping *that ship* now after season two. to be so low to attack people on anon asks just shows they take a mickey mouse show waaaay too seriously and are acting like spoiled kids who didn't get what they wanted. not even rini shippers who waited a season for their faves get together, waited a year to see them as a couple and saw their ship fall apart in two seconds are acting like that, i personally think it's just sad to act like that and attack fans, actors and even the creator because of a teen show. don't let the haters get to you, your blog is amazing ❤️❤️❤️

They’re a little nightmare. I really had no intentions of getting involved in ship wars this season because season 1 was toxic enough for me, but dammit they just had to give us Portwell and give them every trope in the book… and you really expect me not to ship it? Unrealistic.

I can usually deal with hate when it’s just here and there, but to have 3-4 people attacking me in the past 2 days? That’s too much for my mental health can take. But then nice asks like yours is what helps me keep a positive attitude, so thank you so much 🤍