#poor young charlie hes suffering even before the events of the game
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silco1q · 2 years ago
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Im crying.....
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Been thinking about another one of @maria-rayro’s fic because I love it so much. Had to try to draw a scene.
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habsfans98 · 7 years ago
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Habsfan98 Opinion 2017-2018 Montreal Canadiens season
Season Records: G: (Games) W: (Wins) L: (Loses) OT: (Overtime Loses)  
Overall Season:
G: 82 W: 29 L: 40 OT: 13 PTS:71
 Home Record: 18-14-9
Away Record: 11-26-4
 Leading Scorers:  GP: (Game Played) G: (Goals) A: (Assist) P: (Points)  
Brandan Gallagher - GP:  82 G: 31 A: 23 P: 54
Alex Galchenyuk – GP: 82 G: 19 A:32 P: 51
Jonathan Drouin – GP: 77 G: 13 A: 33 P: 46
 My Opinion for the 2017-2018 Canadiens Season
 I had a lot of hopes for this season when it came to the habs line up. After last season disappointing first round elimination by the Rangers. I thought that season with a healthy core, and some younger players including the addition of Jonathan Drouin. I had expectation of going to the playoffs this year, and maybe getting out of the first round.
I knew that this team wasn’t a Cup contender, not with are weakness at the center position. But, I expected the team to be like the habs of season prior, and get through the rough patches of offense, with stingy defensive play, and the great goaltending of Carey Price.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
This season from the get go was a mess. Carey Price was arguably playing the worst hockey of is career so far. With play that reminded me of his early years as the habs starter. IT didn’t help that Price was dealing with the lingering effects from his injuries, that played a big role in his poor play.
This resulted in the team, have to call up Charlie Lindgren from the farm team, and pick up Antti Niemi off waivers from Pittsburgh to stabilize the goaltending until Price could come back from his new set of injuries.
So, with Carey Price injured, and having a very off season. The Canadiens did not have the back up and cover they’ve relied on to help mask many of the team’s flaws.
Which resulted in the team falling through the glass floor pretty hard.
 The teams lack of true Centre depth came of full display this season. Jonathan Drouin was experimented with at center, forcing Alex Galchenyuk to play on the wing for most of the game this season.
The experiment yielded little success, with Drouin showing very little development, and the maturity to anchor the habs top line most line most nights. I didn’t help the forward that took over the role as top center for the team; Phillip Danault was injured for the most of the season.
 Another area that hurt the habs shockingly was the teams defense.
This season was a polar opposite for the habs defensive core. At first, we say a short-lived spark from Jeff Petry, who was scoring in spades for most of the first half of the season. While Shae Weber was once again great at his shut down role and imposing his will on other teams; anchoring the powerplay.
However down the stretch the play began to slow down, the offense dried up, and injuries mounted.
Shaw Weber was the biggest loss of all. After discovering that he had been playing most of the season on a broken foot, which clearly had affected his play; before he was forced to get season ending surgery.
And while Petry, and new defensemen Karl Alzner played the full 82 games this season, their impact of the offensive and defensive side of the season at best were minimal.
 By far, the worst part of the season was the offense of the Montreal Canadiens.
 While Brandan Gallagher had a great offensive season leading the team in Goals and point, he was not enough to make up for the mess of under achieving, and poor play this season by the Canadiens forwards.
To address the major elephant in the room in regards to this season, we look not further the Captain of the Canadiensl; Max Pacioretty.
Pacioretty by all accounts had a dreadful season this year. Playing 64 games this season, before ending his season in late march for season ending surgery. Pacioretty finished with a G: 17 and A: 20. These are his lowest numbers in a non-lock out shortened season since 2010-2011, (Which was also a season he was sidelined with injuries).
Pacioretty for much of the season was healthy and playing top minutes on the team’s top line. However, was not able to get consistent scoring. Even though historically, pacioretty has been a streaky goal scorer; this did not happen this season.
His poor play on the ice, and often times less the enthused post game reaction and comments, began a rumor mill that Pacioretty was on the trade blog during this seasons trade deadline. There have been reports that the LA Kings and Florida Panthers, had kicked the tires on trade talks before and on trade deadline for Pacioretty. However, no deals were finalized.
It was clear however, that the relationship between the habs captain and the front office management and become rather strained. And one could only imagine, or fear that Marc Bergevin will try to kick start a rebuild, or re-tooling of the habs with a trade involving the once perennial 30 goal scorer.
 This season has been pretty disappointing to watch as a habs fan.
Not only were their very uninspired and rather boring games that the habs played. The teams poor play, just seemed to make the season drag on.
I will be very honest and say that I didn’t watch a majority of games this season. Not just because I was busy with a new job, and life. Rather I just couldn’t take watching underachieving habs this season, especially with a Carey Price that wasn’t play well either.
There was much better hockey to watch this season.
Another reason, was the lack of any real urgency of for thought from the habs front office. The season to a lot of people can be seen, as a one off; with the hope that next season will be better.
However, the front office needs to address the most important problem for the habs. The lack of real center depth.
Never mind the fact that we still don’t have a number one center. The habs don’t have any real center depth. Even though we have a few young pieces being groomed in AHL. The current rooster, and poor development with the coaching staff, does not give me much confidence that are young rookies can turn the franchise around.
I know, and a lot of hockey experts expect the Canadiens to be a big player in the John Tavarase swip stakes. Once he become a free agent this season, after his contract expires this July with the Islanders. The Canadiens have a cap space to sigh the star center to a big long-term contract.
However, I think this is the wrong move for the habs.
I believe that a full rebuild is a right way to go for this franchise at this point. Much of the team’s rooster is again, while some of the younger players that got to show off, during the last few games this season, showed promise at being good depth pieces.
I believe that the throwing the hope that Taravees with sign with the team, (Throwing all your eggs in one basket) will not be the best idea for the franchise.
We’ve already felt the effect two trades that leveraged the teams future for a quick fix to the mask the team’s issues.
And its resulted in this seasons mess.
 Final Thoughts
 This season has been pretty special hasn’t it?
We have so many amazing stories, and amazing events that have happened this season.
We have the expansion team on the Vegas strip that has shown us that teamwork, good chemistry, great coaching, and a forward-thinking GM; can make a juggernaut out of the clear blue sky.
Joining that team, is another team that some how turn it all around.
The Colorado Avalanche were supposed to be a bottom feeding team, just like the Vegas Golden Knights. Only they defied the all the odds, playing great hockey, staying relatively healthy, (before the last month of the year) and winning more than losing.
The player I think that will win the Hart Trophy Nathan Mackinnon has taken that all important step in becoming that start game changing player the Avalanche always thought he would turn into when they drafted him first overall in 2013.
On the other side, another team broke expectation just like the Knights and Av’s. The New Jersey Devils lead by the Taylor Hall, and so much needed injections of youth and speed, turned from a lottery team; to a playoff team this year.
Yeah, Taylor Hall is going to the playoffs finally! He’ll go there knowing that he’s in the running for the Hart Trophy along with Mackinnon, and many other players this season.
 I should talk about one of the other teams that disappointed me this season. The Carolina Hurricanes and the Arizona Coyotes, both failed at taking steps with their young players at their cores, and the veteran players they brought in to help with at step.
Although I didn’t think the Yotes would make the playoffs. I did expect them to be competitive. I didn’t expect them go on a 20+ game winless drought; all of which were regulation by the way.
Meanwhile the Hurricanes suffered from poor goaltending, and inconsistent play for most of season. And although they once again, miss the playoff by the slightest margins. Its clear that if the team wants to get passed the hump and join the post season dance next season; changes have to be made.
 Finally, I’d like to apologies for the lack of posts and overall lack of activity and enthusiasm I had this season on my blog.
I will be watching a lot of playoff hockey this year, because I know it going to be crazy exciting this year.  So, expect me to join a bandwagon for a good portion of the coming months.
  To my follow habs fans. We always have next year, to hope, to see, and to enjoy hockey from the Le Bleu-Blanc-Rouge.
 Now let’s enjoy some playoff hockey!
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whothefuckiscassandracain · 7 years ago
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Batman: No Man’s Land - a novel by Greg Rucka
Last but not least, before we head off into Cass’ first Batgirl run, let’s take a look at Batman: No Man’s Land. This one was fun to read, since I practically missed the first half of the event by reading only Cass’s comics issues. Warning: long post is very long. Lots of quotes instead of pictures, this time. More below the cut.
Our first mention of Cass in the novel comes from Oracle, in one of her apocalyptic journal logs, in which she describes Cass as follows:
Can’t be older than 16, if a day. Pretty young woman, Eurasian, very smart. And functionally mute, in that she seems incapable of using language. […] I don’t know if it’s a psychological or physiological trauma, but I’m beginning to suspect she was never taught how to speak or read or write. […] She’s been unable to give me her name—though whether that’s because she doesn’t have one, doesn’t know it, or doesn’t like it, I’ve no clue. I’ve taken to calling her Cassandra. Communications difficulties with her notwithstanding, Cassandra has become, in the last couple months, one of my most reliable people. She’s fast and strong and very sneaky, and to top it all off, she’s fairly imaginative, so that her reports end up being a somewhat entertaining game of charades, aided by scraps of paper and pencils. She’s a horrible artist, but I understand her concepts more often than not, so we’re getting by. (NML, page 26)
Clearly, Cass is very dear to Oracle. Once again, her aphasia is the main focus of her characterization, which makes sense, since, at this point, Cass, together with a few other kids (Alex, Charlie and Vanessa) is essentially Oracle’s eyes and ears in No Man’s Land. Aphasia: 20
Cassandra’s first proper appearance occurs between the pages 47 and 52, when she follows a terrified scream on the street, only to realize that she has been lured into a trap by a cannibalistic street gang. Although she manages to hold her own pretty well, Huntress (in Batgirl garb) arrives to help her. Once the fight is over, Cass tries to say “thank you”, but all that comes out is a croak and she explains to Huntress that she is mute, although:
It was more complicated than that, but Cassandra nodded, knowing that it would be nearly impossible to explain the how and the why. And even if she could explain those two things, she would have to explain the rest, the darkness of it all, and the evil, and she didn’t want to tell anyone that. Not ever. (NML, page 50)
Poor Cassandra is very clearly suffering from major PTSD. We also see her demonstrating another of her quirky gestures, namely how to say “thanks”:
She thought for a moment, then presented both hands, palms up. She looked at Huntress, smiling, then brought her hands together, lacing the fingers. (NML, page 51)
Huntress others Cass to stay at her place and have some food, but Cass declines, in spite of being hungry and cold, because Oracle warned her that Huntress was a criminal and Cass should stay away from her, and because she wants to finish her job (finding intel on Black Mask) first. By the time Cass manages to at least mutter “Guh byh-eeee”, Huntress is already gone. Aphasia: 21 Unusual Mannerisms: 6
A short while later, Gordon and his team start a gang war between two rivaling street gangs in order to allow them to reclaim more territory, including Oracle’s clock tower. Cass reports this fact to Oracle, who is deeply disturbed. The mission succeeds, although new complications arise, including Helena Bertinelli showing up as the new Batgirl, Black Mask leading a cult-like gang on a conquering spree, an attempt on Alfred’s life, which is foiled by Batman (Bruce’s first appearance in NML), and Gordon striking a secret deal with Two-Face, while Bruce strikes a deal with Penguin. Neither really gets what they want, as both villains turn on them and Two-Face ends up taking over Batman’s territory, which results in the loss of six innocent lives.
Not too long after, Cass delivers new information to Barbara, this time bringing along a note form Alfred, who has taken up shelter at Dr. Thompkins clinic, helping her treat the wounded. At this point, master assassin David Cain sneaks into No Man’s Land, a minor detail that will become more important soon.
Meanwhile, Dr. Thompkins successfully talks Cassandra into spending a night at the clinic, rather than constantly being on the move, or better yet: Cassandra fails to talk her out of it. It is here that we learn just how deep Cassandra’s appreciation and respect for Leslie Thompkins is, mostly because the doctor looks like she could be blown away by the breeze and would never hurt a fly, yet has incredible strength in her. This leads us to a scene similar to what we saw in Batman Chronicles Vol. 1 #18, with Cassandra performing her warrior bow for Thompkins, which leads to this heartwarming exchange:
Cassandra shook her head, then presented both hands. With her right she made a fist, seating the face of it against the palm of her left hand, extending both in front of her at waist height. Then she bowed, looking the doctor in the eye. Dr. Thompkins’s wrinkled face wrinkled some more, and then she surprised Cassandra by returning the bow, saying, “You are quite a warrior, aren’t you, dear? Thank you for the compliment.” Cassandra went to sleep happy. (NML, page 184)
Aphasia: 22 Unusual Mannerisms: 7
The next morning, Cass meets Huntress gain, who is checking in on the clinic every now and then, and uses a number of gestures to communicate to her that Cass is a courier for Gordon’s daughter. Sadly, Huntress misinterprets this as Cass working for Gordon and starts badmouthing Gordon, which has Cassandra feeling horrible for telling a lie and uncomfortable because she does not like where the conversation as going. She ends the talk by giving Huntress the same warrior bow she gave Leslie. Helena returns the gesture. Aphasia: 23 Unusual Mannerisms: 8
We have now finally caught up with Cassandra’s first comic book appearance, story-wise, as Cass returns to Oracle for a reading lesson. They start with the letters of the alphabet, for which Barb praises her. Cass tries to thank her and it is here that we see just how hard speaking really is for her:
Cassandra pushed the tip of her tongue against the back of teeth. “T-aaans…” “Thanks.” “Ta-ah nks…” (NML, page 187)
As in the comics, Oracle has just about taught her how to say “Stop”, when Jim arrives and chides her for leaving the door unlocked, before giving her a hug. Cass’s reaction here is the first indicator in the novel of just how screwed up her own family life was:
Cassandra got up, moving out of the way as Gordon passed her to hug his daughter. She could see Oracle’s smile, how they both closed their eyes briefly. Her own father had only offered her a hug once, and that had been so many years ago, just before she had left. She felt both awkward and embarrassed watching them, as if she were intruding on something she had no right to see, and so she left, slipping silently out of the apartment and back into the hallway. She could hear their voices, the soft tones, and she reached the stairs knowing that jealousy was dogging her steps. She wrestled with it all the way to the lobby, trying to see the emotion for exactly what it was. She didn’t want to feel sorry for herself. (NML, page 187)
Just as in the comics, Cassandra catches sight of her father as she exits the building and it scares her out of her socks. However, all of that goes straight out of the window as she realizes that Cain is here to kill Gordon and Cass jumps in to rescue him. Not only is she fast as the Flash about it, she also proves that she can be fiercely stubborn when it comes to protecting people:
She scared them with her approach, two of the men stepping back and freeing their weapons from their holsters, and Gordon’s surprise was alight all over his face. She didn’t care, didn’t think about it, just grabbed him around the waist, passing the Blue Boys on either side of the Commissioner, and then driving him back into the lobby, shoving him down and covering him with her body. […] Cassandra pushed herself up, still holding the Commissioner, dragging him forcefully back into the lobby, […] Gordon started to get up and Cassandra caught him by the arms, shoving him back, toward the stairway. […] Cassandra moved directly in front of Gordon, then wrapped her arms around his middle, using her right leg as a brace, trying to keep him from continuing. He tried for a second longer, but Cassandra held her ground, and Gordon finally got the message. (NML, page 188-189)
Fast As Lighting: 10 Fiercely Assertive Protector: 7
The following interrogation, in which both Jim and Cassandra become increasingly frustrated with the obstacle that is her aphasia and in which Barbara recognizes the mark of Cain that Cassandra draws for them, culminates in this heartbreaking little gem, right after they finally work out that Cain is Cassandra’s father:
Cassandra nodded and couldn’t look at any of them, avoiding their eyes. It didn’t matter; she could feel their stares, the heat and accusation in them. It didn’t matter that she had never wanted to be like her father. It didn’t matter that there had never been any choice. She was a killer, too, and try as she might, she had never been able to escape that. (NML, page 195)
Aphasia: 24
Cassandra then gets the jump on both Barbara and Jim by jumping out of her seat and locking both of them in before anyone has a chance to react. Cain is waiting for her on the other side, opening fire, but not aiming at her, and Cassandra once again demonstrates that she is the speedster on the team:
It all seemed to slow down for her then as the adrenaline poured in, and she moved forward, slapping the gun from Cain’s grip. She was terrifying in her speed, and she knew that, because this was her strength, this was her language. These were the words her father had taught her, and she spoke fluently, her right leg snapping a kick that caught him in the middle, collapsing him double. Before he could straighten she had finished the sentence, a short burst uppercut that sent a spray of blood from her father’s mouth and one of his front teeth into the air. (NML, page 196)
Aphasia: 25 Fast As Lightning: 12 Fiercely Assertive Protector: 8
Throughout her fight with Cain, Cassandra keeps flashing back to her first kill (according to the novel at the age of 10, even though according to the comics she was 8), which she describes as her father simply having asked her to “just talk”. This memory upsets her so much, that she finally manages her first full, correct word: stop. For a moment, Cain even seems to be shocked and compassionate, but as soon as he hears Gordon trying to break through the door, he is back in assassin mode. Just as in the comics, Cassandra decides to push him through the nearest window, demonstrating both her protectiveness and a serious lack of regard for her own life:
Then they were in the air, falling with the shards, and Cassandra, for a moment, felt almost happy. (NML, page 198)
Better Off Dead: 5
Thankfully, Batman arrives in time to rescue both Cain and Cassandra, although Cain manages to get away. Confident that the assassin will need time to recover, Bruce takes Cassandra to a nearby park where he buried the men who had died during Two-Face’s takeover. He tries to talk to her in a number of languages, including sign language, but of course she can’t answer. She makes him mimic punches instead, and as he goes through a number of Tai Chi Quan routines that Cass always seems to be one step ahead in, he finally realizes what’s going on. And Bats is not happy.
Batman stopped and looked at her, again grateful for the lenses in the cowl that shielded his eyes. He didn’t want the girl to see the sudden pity he felt for her. […] “I knew David Cain once, long ago, […] He used to say that the only way to truly be a warrior was to make your actions as fluid and easy as your speech. He used to say that combat itself was a discourse, the finest form of conversation. At the time I thought it was hyperbole.” Batman reached out, touching the girl’s cheek. “I didn’t realize he was insane enough to actually force that philosophy on another human being.” (NML, page 204)
The two of them then “talk” about how Two-Face hired Cain and how Batman is planning to deal with him, using drawings in the soil. Despite the conversational difficulties, Bruce manages to make it clear to her that he is not going to kill Cain, nor will he let Gordon die. He then leaves, telling Cass to return to Oracle and stay out of this mess. Aphasia: 26
Cass, being a good future batkid, of course, promptly does not listen to him and instead goes to Two-Face’s base on her own. Within about five minutes, she proceeds to knock out all his guards (including the ones with guns), threaten Two-Face, grab the money he was going to use to pay her father, and leave again. She soon finds Batman and her father battling on a rooftop, drops the money bag right in between them, and lights it on fire. Rather than be angry at his payment literally going up in smoke right in front of his eyes, Cain once again shows that, even though he trained Cass to be a killer and he did do horrible things to her, he does have some compassion and affection for her:
The battle mask that David Cain had worn crumbled, and Batman saw tears in the man’s eyes. He wasn’t looking at the flames. Cain extended a hand to the girl. She turned her back on him and walked back to Batman’s side. Cain stared at her for a moment longer, then seemed to slump, almost shrinking from within. The girl looked at Batman, then took his hand in hers. She still wouldn’t look at Cain. Cain nodded, then turned away. Batman heard him say, “Take good care of her.” (NML, page 215-216)
From this point onward, Cass practically spends all her nights sleeping on Oracle’s floor (NML, page 223) and later her couch (NML, page 229). Bruce also starts training her, this time with Oracle’s approval. This eventually leads to him and Oracle introducing Cass to Nightwing and Robin. Interestingly, their reactions seem to be inversed, compared to the comics, with Robin instantly getting along with her and Nightwing being more reserved:
Robin arrived first, and I introduced him to Cassandra, gave him the short explanation of who she was and why she was in my inner sanctum. They took to one another pretty well and pretty quickly, and it made me remember how young Cassandra really is. […] Nightwing was suspicious of her, and even a little bit hostile at first, but it was clear that his real anger was for his mentor. (NML, page 249-250)
Batmom: 2
Bruce eventually explains to them why he wants Cassandra to be the next Batgirl (would never take a life, surrender, or let an innocent be hurt), but it takes Barbara’s blessing for Dick and Tim to fully accept it. Barb hands her the costume. When she comes back into the control room, dressed in her Batgirl finest, we get a rare glimmer of Bruce being a Good Batdad™:
“Ready?” Batman asked her. Our new Batgirl nodded. It was hard to catch, and I think the others missed it. I didn’t. Batman, for a second, smiled. (NML, page 252)
Batdad: 3
After this point, things start progressing rather quickly. Bruce tears Helena a new one, then proceeds to take back his territory, piece by piece. One of the GCPD SWAT officers breaks off and founds his own violently protective gang, one of the loyal officers has a baby, Bane eradicates all city records in a bid by Lex Luthor to gain the rights to rebuild Gotham and make it his own (a plan which Bruce foils by having Barb and Tim produce perfectly forged certified copies of every record they can find before Bane destroys them) and Joker finally joins the madness, which brings us to Cassandra’s next appearance.
Cass has taken up the habit of including Leslie’s makeshift clinic in her rounds and checking up on her from the shadows whenever she can. She gets a quick hug from Leslie and an offer of tea from Alfred before leaving the camp and promptly walks into Joker and Harley. She takes the fact that he’s walking into the MASH sector with an ax in his hand pretty well and swoops in just in time to exchange a few blows with Harley and keep the situation from escalating, but to her surprise, Joker does not attack her, because he was looking for Batman, not Batgirl. For the first time since watching Barbara and her dad, Cass is truly confused:
Dumbfounded, Cassandra watched as Joker and the others calmly walked away. She didn’t understand. It didn’t make sense. She didn’t know what to do. (NML, page 300)
We fast-forward again once more, and this time there is actually good news: in Washington D.C., Lucius and his campaign to get Gotham’s No Man’s Land status revoked have finally born fruits and the city is scheduled to have basic infrastructure and services again by New Year’s. This announcement has everyone hugging each other and cheering:
[...] even Cassandra was managing to make a little noise, squeaks and rasps. (NML, page 368)
However, Cass’ cuteness does not stop there! As the medical aid starts pouring into Gotham, Cass visits Leslie’s clinic in civilian clothes to say goodbye to her and Alfred. She hugs Alfred “quickly, the way she did every movement once she had decided upon it” (NML, page 374), and answers his question of whether she wants anything in particular by making what is possibly the cutest Joker impression ever:
Cassandra shook her head, then put the index finger from each hand at the corners of her mouth, pulling down on one end and pushing up on the other, making a crazy face. (NML, page 374)
Thankfully, Alfred understands her much more easily than everyone else seems to, although that’s not necessarily a good thing. He tries to shoo her away, but Cass indicates that she’d be happy to hear the rest. It’s not good:
“Joker, my dear. You don’t know him very well. He’s the worst of them. When he’s quiet, like he is now, it’s normally for a very wicked reason.” He put his hands on her shoulders. “You be careful. She nodded. Alfred forced a smile back into place. “Very well, then. Off with you. I have much work to attend.” Cassandra departed, wondering what, exactly, was so dangerous about Joker. (NML, page 375)
The answer, of course, is that Joker then goes on to successfully abduct every new-born baby in No Man’s Land, kills every one of the rogue police officers, nearly kills Huntress, and sets in motion a plot that ultimately leads to Joker shooting Jim Gordon’s new wife, Sarah Essen.
Cassandra, however, is not around for any of that (at least not in the novel). Instead, her last appearance here comes during Christmas dinner, as Dick and Alfred are fighting over who gets to carve up the bird. Everything in this scene is adorable, from Alfred’s dignified threat that there will be no dinner if Dick doesn’t sit down, to Dick’s reply that he won’t eat if he can’t carve, to Bruce’s assurance to Leslie that they do this every meal, and, finally, to Cass’ epic reaction to the madness:
She nodded, then said, “Stop.” Alfred and Dick froze. Leslie covered her mouth in surprise. Cassandra grinned, reached across the table, and took the carving knife. Then she set about cutting the bird. (NML, page395)
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fantasysuiteleague · 8 years ago
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Week 5: Swamp Ass or Stank Face?
The main plot of this week’s episode is The Battle of the Bayou starring: Taylor, the calculating analytical elitist who knows what she’s talking about most of the time but comes off as unapproachable and rude as she constantly reminds us she has her Masters; and Corinne, the obnoxious narcissist whose every statement is so ridiculously and hilariously false you can’t tell if it’s all a strategic act or if she’s actually just a dumb, spoiled psychopath. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? We once again pick up in the middle of last week’s episode where Taylor is still trying to reason with an unreasonable fame whore, and said fame whore continues to be the absolute worst. 
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Interestingly enough, none of the girls actually know what they’re fighting about and no one really cares. Even Alexis, the girl who allegedly wears a sumo suit to go to CVS just for kicks, thinks the two of them need to grow up because we’re not in high school anymore. Someone aptly points out that Corinne has done nothing to Taylor, and Taylor has done nothing to Corinne, yet here we are, watching them talk in circles about nothing. After firing off a few one-liners about Taylor’s stank face, Corinne takes it a step farther and tells Nick that she’s scared of Taylor because she’s not here for the right reasons and “that hurts her...for Nick.” Once she’s finished telling Nick all about Pizzagate and Taylor’s evil ways, Corinne is convinced that Taylor is going home and that she is “hashtag winning,” because nothing is more topical than a 5 year old Charlie Sheen quote. 
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And if Corinne hadn’t started this drama Taylor might have actually gone home that night because Nick has never seemed interested in her, but it’s the 2-on-1 week so Taylor lives to see another day. Great.
The Next Bachelorette
After being made to suffer through almost an entire rose ceremony before actually getting her rose, Rachel is *blessed* with this week’s 1-on-1 date which actually seems fun compared to poor Raven who was stuck hanging out at fucking Bella’s soccer game. As they pal around New Orleans eating oysters and beignets, Nick preposterously claims that of all the girls in the house he has the “most explosive chemistry” with Rachel ...
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After Nick and Rachel lead a Second Line through the streets of New Orleans, Rachel tells a a story about how the last time she was in NOLA she participated in a parade but it was for a funeral, which is when she decided to live her life to the fullest and...go on the Bachelor? This story, as well as the background on her intimidating federal judge of a father and how Rachel is not used to being vulnerable despite being very emotional (or something like that), serves as the perfect set up for Rachel to be the next Bachelorette. It’s a NO BRAINER at this point, and I’m 100% confident that this is what ABC was hoping for when they “cast” Rachel to be on the show. ABC really wants a diverse star to prove they don’t have a race problem, but she has to be likable (code: not too black), smart (code: have a real job), and beautiful. Coincidentally, Rachel has all of those characteristics and Nick seems into Rachel enough for her to make it to hometowns, leaving me with the hope that, maybe, just maybe, we’re finally going to have a Blachelorette.
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Do you believe in ghosts?
The group date this week presents us with a chance to identify the women who say things like “the energy in this room” by taking the girls to the Houmas House, one of the most haunted houses in America that also happens to come with a full bar and a Norman Bates caretaker who goes by the name of Boo. Boo takes the girls on a tour of the old house that is apparently haunted by a young girl name Mae who gets real pissed when you fuck with her dolls. I can’t tell if it’s the fake painting of Mae or the fervor with which Boo demands that no one touch these dolls, but I’m 99% sure that these dolls all belong to Boo, and Mae never existed. A few minutes of research reveals that the house, also known as Burnside Plantation, once housed 750 slaves and was the center of the largest slave holding in Louisiana. 
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So it’s pretty safe to say that if any ghosts actually haunted this plantation they wouldn’t be of a little girl worried about her goddamn dolls, but one of the countless slaves that lived and died in captivity. Curiously, nothing about slaves or the plantation are ever mentioned as Boo continues to make a big deal the girls not touching his dolls. 
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Once the girls are forced to hang out alone with Nick after Boo takes his leave to try on some of his dead mother’s clothes, they play with an Ouijia board to distract from the crushing reality that they are all wasting their time (and losing money) while looking for love on this show.  And then coincidentally, after Jasmine the vocal non-believer of ghosts touches a statue, a chandelier falls and things start getting spooky! While the girls take turns playing Ghost Hunters, Nick has empty conversations with everyone except Raven*, who accidentally lets slip that she fell in love with Nick while he was rollerskating. This is dubious for many reasons, including the fact that she’s spent maybe 6 hours in total with Nick, and also, it’s Nick. But Raven seems pretty genuine and Nick very surprised, so I’m willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. Unfortunately for Raven, however, Nick and the producers already decided he needed to give the rose to the girl next door, neonatal nurse other video vixen, Danielle M., to reaffirm his intention to continue to string her along. I’m sure Boo was thrilled to see them leave so he could get back to his tea party.
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Battle of the Bayou
And now, for the “main event” of the episode: the rumble in the jungle between Taylor and Corinne! In the blue corner, coming in hot with a Masters from Johns Hopkins and a “stank face on her face,” Taylor!! In the red corner, trying so desperately to make every in-camera interview into a gif, Corinne!! Throughout the episode both sides are given their chance to present their case to the Nation of Bachelor. According to Corinne, she is exactly what Nick needs and Taylor is a bitch who thinks shes better and smarter than everyone. According to Taylor, she has her Masters, is more qualified to be a wife, and Corinne is a lying manipulative clown. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?
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Once they reach the depths of the bayou, Nick and the girls are met by the best voodoo priestess ABC could find, Rachel Dolezal 2.0. I was hoping for either an old black blind woman or an Angela Basset type, but beggars can’t be choosers in the swamp I guess. They are soon directed to Ms. Cleo, who reads Taylor’s fortune first and warns her that it’s best not to engage with the evil spirits but to take the high road and rid herself of all this negativity. Now since Taylor has her Masters, she knows that when trolls go low, you go high, but that’s only the right call 71.4% of the time, or when you aren’t living in this alternate reality where nothing is real and everything is upside down. Unfortunately for Taylor, we’re in that alternate reality and even Ms. Cleo can sense what’s coming because the cards don’t lie.
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And sure enough, as soon as Corinne gets Nick alone, she starts twisting the truth and painting a false narrative of Taylor as the aggressor and Corinne as the victim. Taylor tries ineffectively to reverse the damage Corinne has done with her fake news and alternative facts, but in this alternate upside down reality, alternative facts are the facts, and we know how this story ends. Instead of picking the girl who is at least a qualified and rationale choice for a wife, he picks the obnoxious train wreck who’s only doing this for fame. Even though I’ve been a Taylor Hater since Day 1, this move is preposterous, and everyone involved knows it. Even Nick is blushing with embarrassment as he and Corinne awkwardly climb back into their boat leaving Taylor to reassess her life choices and the meaning of the world alone in the woods. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?
Did you notice . . .
** We don’t get to see this until the credits, but Nick’s conversation with Alexis on the group date, centering around her legitimate fear of Nicolas Cage, is amazing. WHY are they showing me clips of Danielle L. telling Nick she maybe is falling for him, or of Danielle M. barely talking at all, and putting these Alexis nuggets of gold at the end of the episode!?! The producers and editors really fucked this season up by not giving her more screen time because she is so much funnier and better in all respects than anything that comes out of Corinne’s mouth. #JUSTICEFORALEXIS 
“Realistically, I don’t see Nick and Corinne getting married at the end of this” is the understatement of the century. 
“If I see a ghost I’m gonna rebuke that thing in the name of Jesus.” 
Of course Danielle L. believes in and is afraid of ghosts. I actually LOLed when she said this date was going to be “a challenge” for her. 
“I had a great time. I did not squeal.” - Nick ....
The real loser in the Battle of the Bayou is Rachel, who is forced to spend an entire day alone in the house with Taylor and Corinne.
Nick is fucking terrible at being the Bachelor. I know I’ve gone on and on about how disingenuous he is, but it’s driving me nuts. Sure, every Bachelor has to say dumb shit like “From Bourbon Street to the Bayou, I can’t imagine a better place to fall in love.” but literally every single time he addresses the girls and in most of his 1-on-1 conversations it feels like he’s reciting Bachelor Canon because he couldn’t be bothered to think of anything real to say at any point along the way.
They say if you get close to the woods you can still hear Taylor whispering “but I have a Masters ...”
Minority Report: Interestingly enough, and despite the fact that they don’t appear to have any connection with Nick whatsoever, Jasmine and Jaimi are still around. I know this is cynical, but between Nick’s lazy approach and coziness with the producers, it feels like he agreed to make sure a few black girls stuck around long enough until the producers / Bachelor Nation could pick one they liked and move forward with the whole Blachelorette campaign. Now I know what you’re thinking: c’mon Jen, that’s racist. Well ... so is The Bachelor.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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