#poor peter is so confused by the sexy times

[variousqueerthings]

THESE ARE ATTACK EYEBROWS!

alrightalright new Doctor new Season and also confession that I cannot help comparing where I'm at with the M*ffat run with the new special and the Classic!Who I'm watching, which is perhaps unfair, but then maybe my guy should stop putting out overlong needlessly complicated Stuff

However consider: Peter Capaldi!

sexism rank objectification (female character is ogled/harassed/turned into a sex joke by the doctor and/or a lead we’re supposed to root for and/or the camera): 5/10

sexism rank plot-point (lead female character is only there to serve plot, not to have her emotional interiority explored, or given agency to her emotional interiority): 6/10

interesting complex or pointlessly complex (does the complexity serve the narrative or does it just serve to be confusing as a stand-in for smart, this includes visually): 2/10

furthers character and/or lore and/or plot development (broader question that ties into the previous ones, at least two of these, ideally three should be fulfilled): 8/10

companion matters (the companion doesn’t always have to be there, but if the companion is there, can they function without the doctor– and overall per season how often is the companion the focus or POV of the story): 3/10

the doctor is more than just “godlike” (examines the doctor’s flaws and limitations, doesn’t solve a plot by having it revolve entirely around the doctor’s existence): 8/10

doesn’t look down on previous doctor who (by erasing or mocking its importance, by redoing and “bettering” previous beloved plotpoints or characters, etc.): 6/10

isn’t trying to insert hamfisted sexiness (m*ffat famously talked a lot about how dw should be sexier multiple times, he sucks at writing it): 4/10

internal world has consistency (characters have backgrounds, feel rooted in a place with other people, generally feel like they have Lives): 5/10

Politics (how conservative is the story): 6/10

FULL RATING: 53/100 (if I can count….)

Alright alright, let's get this party going!

OBJECTIFICATION: this episode has one of my least favourite scenes of the whole of Doctor Who, because not only is it sexism, it's male gaze via lesbians, in which M*ffat really really sucks at portraying lesbianism that isn't partly a straight man's fantasy and partly weirdly het... the scene is of course when Vastra has Jenny posing in her corsetry... undergarments? idk what clothes are called, apologies, and Jenny thinks she's being painted, when actually Vastra just wanted to look at her being (uncomfortable) pretty while she was doing the important brainy work

she then dismisses Jenny's complaints about why in the world she's been posing for so long with telling her how she brightens up the room and that it's for "art" -- we'll get more into their dynamic in a biiit

PLOT-POINT: Clara is ostensibly the point of this episode -- new Doctor, new face, and she's unsure how to feel about it, because apparently she really fancied Eleven's pubescent charm. This reminds me of The Christmas Invasion in which Rose has a similar journey of figuring out how she feels about the new Doctor, except of course that Rose's internal and external life is a big focus of early Doctor Who, and she also had no idea that the Doctor could just explode and become a totally new body

also the Doctor was unconscious for a lot of it, and the question of what was going on + when you track the timeline the poor girl probably hadn't slept for a million years properly aside from fainting after having the Time Vortex in her head... she's going through it, we're seeing the journey, there's big aliens fucking about, she's stressed! it's all about relearning that trust and a new relationship, and while there's a subtext of romance, it's not pushed at you, so much as this was something deeply important and now it's been unsteadied unexpectedly

Clara's journey by contrast is one in which we met her family for the first time properly-ish an episode ago, most of her arc in her first season was being a mystery, her "fancying" the Doctor was likewise introduced in the previous episode, and crucially... she already knows the Doctor regenerates, because as per M*ffat's own writing she's literally seen all the previous faces (also Capaldi is objectively hotter than Smith, so jot that down, but I can forgive that, personal taste and all that)

there's also a whole weird little "test" scene between Vastra and Jenny that's ostensibly about tolerance but does that common M*ffat thing of having some good lines out of context that aren't really properly about what's happening right now. do I really like the idea of the Doctor as young in order to fit in/be accepted? unclear, need to think about it a bit, but maaaybe, considering how I read Eleven, who perhaps gets away with being a bit fucked up by Appearing Young, versus Twelve who's immediately got everyone going ahhh what is wrong with you bestie????

but it's muddily mixed in with the whole fancying thing + Vastra thinking Clara is hot or whatever, it's all... me not liking a lot of Vastra's dialogue generally, which feels like M*ffat trying so hard to be deep and mysterious (the one word test from last season as well)

there ARE a couple of things I like, in that I do want Clara and Twelve to reassess where they stand with each other, and I kind of like Twelve being a mess that's abandoning her because he has no idea what his emotions are doing or who he really is or what's going on... especially that last scene of Twelve having a little stuttery sorry, that works for me, look at this weird alien grandpa that speaks like a child at times, what do you feel about that Clara?

the build-up is... rocky, especially everything with Clara opposite Vastra, the latter of whom mainly seems to exist to extol the Doctor's godlike virtues and bully her wife/maid and sound clever

I ALSO like when Clara is facing the bad guy and is clearly very scared but still trying. I liked that from s7b Clara, who was often very openly scared, but still tried

COMPLEXITY: the problem with this episode is that it could be a standard 48mins easily and be better for it. there's nothing technically wrong with it, but there was no need for a dinosaur, no real need for a lot of the dialogue, and many scenes could have been trimmed

also after several episodes that are Quite Long that don't need to be, I'm beginning to grow tired of it. thank goodness we're heading into average episodes again at last

CHARACTERS/LORE/PLOT: I mean, new Doctor. it's mainly the Doctor that's got some stuff going on, but again the last scene. reminiscent of End Of The World (chips? coffee and chips? I haven't got any money)

there's also a new character who's arrived... and it's The Master! and yes, she's got a bit of that M*ffat DNA, but man Michelle Gomez is so good, so so so good! Scottish Bastard Aliens let's do this!

COMPANIONS MATTER: Clara kiiind of... so she doesn't necessarily do much, but there is that... thing. of her figuring out where she stand with this new Doctor, and that's quite important

the Paternoster gang do more actiony-based things and it's... I mean, fine, I guess. they're not companions, and they're mostly more sci-fi elements to all of the plot, rather than what A Person can do

“GODLIKE” DOCTOR: I will say that Capaldi is instantly more workable for me. even some of the stupid hangovers in dialogue from the Matt Smith era flow better with him. I don't like the whole monologue at the dinosaur, it's pointless and this episode is an hour and 15mins (this fuckn dinosaur), and the Doctor designating humans as "pudding brains" for ages and the general dismissive "I'm so smart, you're so stupid" attitude... well I can buy it a little easier from Capaldi. also I know that Capaldi's Doctor eventually tones that down and I mean... it's giving Grumpy Old Man rather than Petulant Child

there's meaning, there's point, the Doctor feels more grounded than before. speaking of grounded, I like that the Doctor isn't all-powerful. a lot of this is surviving a bit on your wits, staying one step ahead, and there's also the bit at the end where we don't know if roboboy jumped or was pushed... it's perhaps controversial as choice, but I'm going to sit on it a bit more, especially with the tone this era has inherited of a more Alien Doctor that is trying to reground themself and their values

PREVIOUS DOCTOR WHO: uuuuum so the thing here is that these droids are basically the same as the ones from Girl In The Fireplace. now, regardless of how one feels about some of the thematic handling of that episode, and the Thing M*ffat was showing early on of a preference for writing about "Important Monarch-Related People" and other such things, the droids were really fucking cool in my opinion, and the plot of them getting shit wrong in their brains and causing a massive disruption in one person's life, fascinating

it's a great One Off Idea

but we all know M*ffat's no good at One Offs so here we are doing a slightly worse version of it. M*ffat this is your own episode you're referencing, why are you beating this horse? (like the time M*ffat insisted on an actual horse jumping through a mirror even though it was very stupid and people told him to please drop it... oh wait, that was Girl In The Fireplace....)

“SEXINESS”: okay well aforementioned "art" scene I think is a lot of the Thing that irks me about the writing of Vastra and Jenny, where I wish I liked them more, but I cannot stop seeing the way they're written as an unexplored power-dynamic -- rich vs working class, powerful alien "simple" human, Sherlock Holmes genius rich type and simple maid (who, granted, sometimes gets to beat people up, we like the action stuff, even if I'm not a fan of the sexy leather and I feel like a traitor writing that M*ffat! you've made me dislike sexy leather lesbianism in something how?????), and while all of this is occasionally pointed to, it's only ever as a joke

this includes things like Vastra flirting with (at?) Clara in front of Jenny, when they're ostensibly a monogamous couple and Jenny isn't happy about it, or Jenny pointing out that it's weird she's "pretending" at being a maid in private and being brushed off

INTERNAL WORLD: it's Victorian London, but it's the "these kinds of episodes" Victorian London, which has never felt like much other than a bit of a backdrop. we're not really exploring Victorian London, it's just where the Paternoster gang happens to be and so we get big dresses and hats

also a big Dinosaur is there and that's unimportant and doesn't change things I suppose

POLITICS: it's so... there. as an episode. so not a lot of politics, but how does it write lesbians? eh, not the most horrible thing I've seen -- I genuinely like the acting of the characters and we do get one big ol' kiss this episode (scifi vibes, but this is a scifi show), which is framed reeelatively romantically -- we did have Jenny dying in the Name Of The Doctor and Vastra having many emotions about it (just remembered how her being emotional about her partner dying was an invite to getting harassed for being too emotional and silly just like a womaaaan) (I also still think about how Jenny still calls her Ma'am for some reason... like yeah, that could be a hot prolonged roleplay, but it definitely isn't, except for the way it is because of the guy writing it knowing that it doesn't make sense but it's kind of a hot prolonged roleplay... does that make sense, idk)

we're in Victorian London, some robots are stealing peoples bodies and it's not about anything really

also we had a baffling line from Vastra espousing her fighting the bad guys as "for the British Empire"???? what does she care about that???

(also Clara says they should call the police more often, which is kind of a joke, but also no you shouldn't)

FULL RATING: 53/100 (if I can count….)

the worst thing about this episode is actually that its story does not justify the runtime. it is so long and it is so average

Peter Capaldi is a wonderful wonderful actor. Michelle Gomez is immediately great: "He can be very mean sometimes. Except to me of course, because he loves me so much. I do like his new accent though. Think I might keep it" <- this could have been so eye-rollery, but she makes it work and makes me shiver and knowing this is The Master is sooo 👀👀👀

the story is so-so. Clara is still moooostly under-utilised/underappreciated but with some good moments that will (if I remember correctly) continue to thread through their relationship of Clara not being quite sure about this person, who is clearly a bit on-edge and confused: "The man I hope you are with, believe me he is more scared than anything you can imagine right now. And he needs you"

Clara's place in this story is still constantly buffeted by the wind. the things that do come up "person he knows the best (I guess, comparatively)," and "someone who fancies the Doctor" is kind of the weakest part of that, when actually what's going on is more interesting

[writer-of-various]

Cheerleader Rudy

Smut, Ghost/Rudy, Public Sex

The party was loud, too loud for Rudy as he lets Ghost guide him through the crowd, an overprotective arm around his waist as they head to the kitchen. Both were invited by some friends of theirs, and it is their senior year so they said screw it and headed over (albeit last minute since both had practice.)

"Ey Ghost! Rudy, looking sexy as always!" Soap laughs as they reach the kitchen, the Wcot obviously drunk already. Ghost huffs, tightening his grip but not too tight, he was always careful with Rudy. His small, pretty Rudy.

"Where's the others?" Rudy asks softly, and surprisingly Soap hears him over the loud music and raised voices of the crowd. Though everyone in their friend group had to become accustom to Rudy speaking softly, the only time the sweet boy yelled was when they better run to the hills; Rudy rarely yells.

"Uh Ale is probably outside....uh Gaz is hooking up with Alex...I think Captain also found a good lay" Soap lists off, and Ghost rolls his eyes. Rudy blushes at the words that left his friend's mouth, fidgeting as someone brushes pass him to grab another drink.

"Lay off on the drinks, MacTavish. I don' want Rudy or I havin' to make sure you don't choke on your own vomit" Ghost warns but Soap laughs it off, waving his hand as he gulps down the rest of his fifth beer.

"No promises, QB." Soap wanders off, nearly screaming when he sees Price walking to the backyard. Ghost rolls his eyes again, looking down at Rudy who smiles up at him.

"I'm going the bathroom," Rudy says, reluctantly pulling away from Ghost's grasp and trying to calm his nerves. His boyfriend nods, pecking him on the cheek.

"I'll be right here, luv" He assures, and Rudy nods, turning on his heel and walking to the nearest bathroom. Soap's parents were a bit on the wealthy side, and with the amount of kids they have is a reasonable to have a big house, but Rudy will forever be surprised that one house could have seven rooms and six restrooms. He knocks on the door, opening it when there was no answer and shutting the door softly behind him. The poor door shook with each beat of the music, but the song was muffled and Rudy felt himself relax. He didn't have to go, but he needed a break despite barely showing up, he never was good with scenes like this.

"Hurry it up in there, man! I gotta piss!" A deep voice shouts from outside and Rudy looks away from the mirror. He unlocks the door and opens it, reeling back at the stench of beer and weed. It reminded him too much of his father, his nerves were racking up again. The guy looks down at him, his angered expressiong morphing into one of smugness and something Rudy couldn't distinguish. "Oh, hey."

"Um, hi?" Rudy goes to squeeze past the stranger but the man is broad and easily blocks the doorway. A frown makes its way to Rudy's lips, his doe-like brown eyes staring up at the male with confusion. "C-can you, um, move please?"

The man simply shrugs, his grin growing and Rudy flinches when a hand touches his face, caressing it roughly. "Look at you, just begging to be fucked, huh? You're single, huh Parra?"

Rudy's eyes snap open and he finally remembers who this guy is: he's been put on the bleachers for doing drugs in the locker room. Alejandro took his place on the football team. Peter Dugan.

"No, actually–" He doesn't get to finish when Dugan slides his other hand up the small skirt of his uniform, cursing for his late practice. He didn't fit in the male cheerleader uniforms, and everyone agreed his shape fit better in the female uniforms. "Stop!"

Dugan chuckles, pulling away but his wolfish grin never fading. "I'm just playing, pretty. I'm surprised no one has claimed your fine ass."

Rudy scowls, about to punch Dugan when the other is pulled back, Ghost revealing himself. The music, if possible, got louder and it concealed the pained noises Dugan let out as Ghost beat him. Rudy doesn't do anything, shocked and overwhelmed, but the scream of the crowd downstairs has him snapping out of his trance. He moves forward, managing to drag Ghost back, who's breathing heavily and growling out profanities.

"Simon, look at me, cariño. I'm okay, honey, I'm okay." Rudy sighs when Ghost embraces him tightly, lips brushing against his neck as the taller whispers "mine" with each nibble. Rudy gasps when Ghost lifts up his skirt, caressing his inner thighs and hips rocking down against his own. "S-simon...not here."

"Show them you belong to me." Ghost unbuckles his pants and lets them slide down to his ankles, nodding at Rudy who helps him slide down his boxers. The smaller male is blushing furiously, face tinted a dark red as he lets lust and greed fall over him. He throws Dugan, who seems to be struggling to breathe, an devious smirk before returning his attention to his Simon, his lover.

"Fuck me, Simon. Show these pendejos who I belong to" Rudy orders and Ghost smirks, lifting Rudy up and setting him on the counter. Rudy holds up his skirt, trying to be confident but he becomes a stammering mess when Ghost hums at the sight of black lacy panties. "D-do...do you like them?"

Ghost notices and quickly kisses him, holding him close and letting them have a soft and vanilla moment. "Of course, darling. Anything you wear drives me crazy, you're so fucking gorgeous. How am I so lucky?"

Rudy melts at the words, nuzzling against Ghost and showering his neck with kitten bites. Ghost makes quick work to stretch Rudy, thrusting his thick and long fingers into the cheerleader's tight hole. He deems his little lover ready and wraps a hand around his leaking erecrion, pumping it up before inserting it into Rudy slowly. The smaller didn't want slow but he knew Ghost always worried about hurting him. He is huge.

"Oh fuck...Simon, you're so...big" Rudy sighs out, already feeling full and Ghost chuckles. He knew his impressive size, and he knew Rudy was always hungry for it. His good little Rudy, always perfect for him. "Please, Simon, I can take it. Please."

Ghost is weak to Rudy's natural puppy eyes, especially when he uses them intentionally and who is he to refuse his lover? He bottoms out, buried to the hilt– and with a look of taunt he looks over to Dugan, who is glaring at them, trying to stand but his ankle is clearly broken (and maybe some fingers.)

"Eyes on me, Si." Rudy barks and Ghost grins, sliding out until only the head is in before snapping his hips up. Rudy breaks, a pitched mewl leaving his plump lips as he holds onto Ghost's shoulders. The taller continues this pace, snapping his hips and teasing Rudy, rubbing against his prostate but never giving it attention. "Ah, S-si, oh!" Rudy throws his head back when Ghost finally gives him the attention he was deprived of.

"Fuck baby, you're so tight, no matter how many times I take you" Ghost growls, grabbing onto Rudy's small waist and bouncing him on his dick. Rudy is making noises likely heard over the booming music, his sounds so angelic yet lewd– he's making the devil blush.

"Oh god, Simon, please! Oh fuck.. oh yes! More papi, more!" Rudy sings, and Ghost switches his pace to an animalistic speed, rocking Rudy's body as he tortures the cheerleader's prostate. Rudy huffs, lifting his legs so they hung over Ghost's shoulders, flaunting his flexibility as he holds himself back on the counter. Ghost grunts, the new angle nearly sent him over the edge– he was almost fucking an upside down Rudy.

It was only them two, everything and everyone else blended into the background of darkness. Rudy's legs shook as he came, sobbing as Ghost continues going, his overstimulated body giving up on him. Thankfully Ghost lifted him up, and Rudy held onto him tight as Ghost resumes his rough thrusts.

"Mine" Ghost growls as he cums deep inside Rudy, who whines at the feeling of being so full.

"Yours." Rudy sighs out, smiling when Ghost kicks the door shut and its still just them two. Until Soap's voice nearly shook the whole house.

"YE B'TTER CLEAN THAT SHITE UP, YE KINKY BASTARDS!"

[carelessannie]

I’d love to read starker + tiny!innocent!peter with their first time 🥺🥺🥺 a/b/o would be great too

Okay okay okay something about this really screamed crossover to me so... here’s a Starker + Tangled crossover (you can guess who is who) with omegaverse and really dirty smut

Damn, I hope you like it anon! Really just took the smut and amplified it 👀👀

Warnings: omegaverse, sex pollen, fuck or die trope and dub-con, forced heat/rut, virgin peter, and I’m just gonna add coming untouched so I can put it on my bingo card because hot damn

Here’s my bingo card, the square coming untouched for @starkerfestivals

---

Tony traces a finger up Peter’s leg, smirking when he jerks away with a huff. He loves working the pretty pink Omega into a fit— he’s so easily flustered, god— and watching his face heat up and scent turn sweet in embarrassment.

“C’mon, crazy— show me how you do the healing thing again."

Peter glares at him, crossing his arms, “Why? Why do you need to know, bandit?"

“Ooo, bandit, I like that,” Tony sprawls out on the ground, peering up at Peter through the tall blades of grass. Peter’s moving his hands, quick little motions that Tony is absolutely entranced by, and he realizes the pretty Omega is weaving a flower crown. Damn, that’s adorable. When Peter doesn’t answer him, Tony turns onto his stomach and crawls closer, “Aww— don’t be like that, pipsqueak. You don’t have to show me anything."

Peter’s face scrunches up, his fingers stilling in their movement.

“Fine."

Tony sits up taller, “Fine?"

“I’ll show you how I do it. Come here,” Peter waves him over and points to the spot right in front of where he’s sitting. They both cross their legs and shuffle until their knees are pressed together, Tony marveling again at how small and sweet the Omega in front of him is.

“Give me your hands,” he commands, and Tony obeys, curious already. It’s truly unexpected when Peter grabs his wrists, guiding Tony’s fingers to tangle in his curls. “Hold on, okay?” Peter confirms, waiting until Tony nods.

Peter releases his hands and pushes his chest slightly, backing him flush against the boulder he’s resting on. Tony’s breathing picks up, speechless as Peter straddles his lap, sliding down until their chests are flush together. Through it all, Tony cradles Peter’s head reverently, jaw dropped in awe.

With one last shuffle, Peter leans forward and rests their foreheads together. He breathes deep, placing his delicate hands on Tony’s cheeks, and starts singing— low and sweet under his breath. When his eyes open again, there’s a golden rim around his iris, and his scent is heady, strong and deep with desire.

“Omega,” Tony gasps, tugging on Peter’s curls until his head tips back, exposing the long, pale column of his unblemished throat.

“Please,” Peter begs, lips falling open in a cry of pleasure, shaking the foundation of the forest around them, “touch me, Alpha— please."

Tony flips them and pins Peter to the ground, easily slotting between his legs and fitting his teeth around Peter’s neck, growling low and possessive. Peter’s scent is thick around them, and all Tony feels is insatiable heat, low in his gut.

What the hell?

With a snap, he pulls off Peter’s neck and looks down at the tiny Omega, using a thumb on his chin to force eye contact. Peter’s eyes are hazy, still ringed gold, and his lips spread in a saccharine smile.

“What’s wrong, Alpha?” he purrs, wiggling in Tony’s hold.

“What did you do?"

Peter’s face twists in confusion, “What do you mean?"

“I mean,” Tony gestures down, to where their obvious erections press together insistently, “I know we were having some magical moments— and I know you think I’m a scoundrel— but I’m usually not this horny at the drop of a hat. What was in that healing spell, Pete?"

“I’m not... I’m not sure,” he stutters, looking up at Tony fearfully, “It usually heals and does the... the... aging thing. It’s never... I’ve never..."

Tony understands, oh god does he understand. With the most restraint he’s ever show, Tony picks himself off the needy Omega, making sure their skin and bodies aren’t touching. Peter whines, but Tony ignores it, has to ignore it.

“I’m sorry, Petey, I really am— but there’s not way I’m stealing your virtue like this. As much as I’d love to, you deserve better than a romp in the mud, especially with an Alpha like me."

Peter sits up and reaches towards him, “No! What? I need you, please Alpha—"

“I can’t do that, Peter, please,” he begs backing away further. “I’m going to take care of... this,” he motions awkwardly to the obvious tent in his pants, “over there. And I suggest you do the same. We can talk in the morning."

The last thing Tony sees as he hurries away is the broken expression on the sweet Omega’s face, and his delicate hands tearing at layers of clothes.

Tony sighs, thankful to be out of temptation’s way, as he pulls out his cock hastily.

It’s gonna be a long night.

---

Tony can’t come. It’s been an hour and his cock is purple, drooling and throbbing, with no knot and no release in sight. Every stroke is painful— not to mention the agony of hearing Peter cry just across the clearing.

He’s strong, but he’s not that strong.

The scent of Omega heat reaches him where he kneels in the dirt, and he’s up and moving without a second thought. When Peter sees him— strutting across the forest and over to the cave where Peter has tried to den himself— the Omega sobs, holding out his arms in a silent invitation.

Tony kneels next to him, scenting for hurt and distress on his Omega. He knows it’s his fault Peter is so needy, so drippy and sad, and helps him by petting his hair, shushing him softly. Their skin presses together, and Tony can feel the heat fever already.

“M’sorry ‘mega,” he growls, feeling his rutting fangs extend in preparation. Peter’s eyes are closed and he claws at Tony’s back, singing a chorus of, “Alpha, Alpha, Alpha,” that is making Tony salivate.

He turns Peter around, moving the remains of his shirt and pants to give the Omega some cushioning to rest on as he arches his ass into the air, and leans down to taste. Slick is pouring out of his Omega, ripe and untouched in his arms. He latches his mouth to Peter’s sweet lips and sucks, using both hands to hold his hips in place as he coaxes more and more of Peter onto to his tongue, into his mouth.

Peter is panting and pleading with him for “more, Alpha,” but Tony knows the sweet, virginal Omega has no idea what he’s asking for. He watches Peter’s face for discomfort as he pushes in a finger, groaning as it easily slides up to the second knuckle. Peter drops his chest to the earth and cries out, pushing back into Tony’s hand.

“More, more, more Alpha!” he shouts, tiny cock twitching adorably as his pussy desperately clutches around Tony’s finger, almost as if it’s trying to draw him in further.

With a growl, Tony shoves another finger inside, working Peter’s body with one hand and using his other to stroke himself, coating his cock in wet, Omega slick. He knows the tingling in the back of his head, the rush of aggression and hormones means he’s hitting a rut as well, but none of it matters— not with the world’s prettiest Omega writhing under him and calling him Alpha.

His fingers pull out and bring an obscene amount of slick with them, that Tony immediately uses on his cock, pumping it desperately as he sidles up behind Peter. He crouches behind the Omega, putting his hands on Peter’s waist as the tip of his cock slides in between glistening lips, bumping up against his entrance.

Peter jerks, panting, as he looks up at Tony, “Wh... what is that, Alpha?"

“My cock, ‘mega. M’gonna fill you up, make the hurt go away,” Tony can barely get the words out before he’s sinking in, breathing hard as the Omega’s velvety slick passage is stretched wide around his cock. And he’s tight— oh, fuck, he’s tight. Tony’s never fucked a virgin, never even had an Omega in heat, and he can’t stop the way his hips immediately start to thrust, pistoning in and out of Peter’s trembling body.

“Perfect, fuck Peter— so perfect for me."

Peter whines and clenches down, ��So full, Alpha! Please, need more."

That’s all the permission Tony needs to pick up his pace, slamming their hips together brutally as he fucks the Omega into the forest floor. His tony body fits perfectly into Tony’s hands, and Peter keens so beautifully when the Alpha changes angles, driving down mercilessly into his sweet spot.

Peter screams, “That! Right there!” and Tony snarls, giving the needy Omega exactly what he’s asking for. He reaches around, groping at Peter’s slight waist and chest, until he can take two handfuls of soft breast— barely a handful, but still soft and alluring— and pinch down on those pretty nipples, hard.

His Omega shakes apart, wailing, “Alpha, Alpha, oh, oh— I’m gonna, oh!” before painting the ground with his release, milking Tony’s cock as he fucks him through his orgasm relentlessly. The pressure is fucking heaven, and Tony’s thrusts shorten, turning into a shallow grind, as he feels his knot expanding.

Peter’s breathing picks up, little mewling sounds escaping as Tony fucks him with his knot, working past the Omega’s oversensitive entrance with a few filthy circles of his hips.

“S’it bigger? Why’sit bigger?” Peter whines, wiggling in discomfort.

Tony shushes him, falling to his knees as the knot finally slips in with a pop, releasing load after load of Alpha cum deep into his belly. “F-fuck, Pete. Just... oh, baby just breathe, okay?” he tries soothing Peter as the smaller boy starts to whimper— loose and boneless on the ground.

It’s difficult, but Tony manages to get them situated on their sides, pulling over a bedroll to keep his perfect Omega off the dirt and earth. He wraps Peter up in his arms. He buries his nose in Peter’s curl, damp with sweat, and breathes deep.

“T-tony?” Peter turns back to look at him, precious tears clinging to his eyelashes, “What happened... to your... your...” he squeezes down on Tony’s knot purposefully, and then blushes, hiding is face in embarrassment.

This Omega is too much, Tony thinks as he groans— another wave of pleasure rolling through him, pumping more and more cum into the sweet, pure boy in his arms. “God, Pete— you’re gonna kill me. It’s... it’s my knot, sweetheart. Keeps us locked for a bit,” at Peter’s sad whine, Tony hums and pets his side soothingly, “but— with your heat, I bet I can make you come on it again."

“C-come on it?” Peter whispers, sounding overwhelmed and terrified, and Tony recoils a bit when his sugary-sweet scent turns bitter, distressed.

Oh god, “No, no baby, just rest, okay? I’ll take care of you. I promised, remember?"

Peter’s body relaxes and curls back into Tony’s arms, sighing gently, “I do. Thank you, Alpha. And then... and then we can go see the lights?"

Tony chuckles, already reaching a hand around to work Peter’s sweet little Omega cock back to hardness.

Oh, they’ll be seeing the lights alright.

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 324: Is There a Force Field Around Him??

Previously on BnHA: Flashback!Rat Principal was all “please tell Midoriya that I spent a concerningly small amount of money upgrading U.A. into a wacky physics-defying funtime grid so as to make the final battle much more confusing for everyone.” Present Day!Mic (or Present!Mic, if you will) and Jeanist were all “if only somebody could deescalate this dangerously unhinged mob, we’ve tried nothing and we’re all out of ideas.” Ochako was all “LISTEN UP PEOPLE.” The mob was all, “god??” Ochako was all, “NO, IT’S ME, OCHAKO. I’M REALLY HIGH UP ON THIS BUILDING AND THE VISIBILITY IS LOW DUE TO THE RAIN, SO I CAN SEE HOW YOU MIGHT MAKE THAT MISTAKE. ANYWAYS, DEKU WAS OUT THERE RISKING HIS LIFE FOR YOU CLOWNS EVEN THOUGH HE’S JUST A KID, SO I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IF YOU COULD ALL REMEMBER HOW TO BE DECENT HUMAN BEINGS, THANKS.” Let’s see if her Big Scolding Energy has any impact.

Today on BnHA: Horikoshi is all “so I have this speech planned out, and it’s really good, but it also only really needs about 6 to 8 pages, but I’m gonna see if I can stretch it out to 17 pages so I can kill time before we get to the next volume cliffhanger two weeks from now.” Anyway but it really is a good speech though. There are feels, and tears, and more talk about how Deku is so in need of a shower that just looking at him requires a tetanus booster, and more feels, and more tears, and bonus ship drama, and an iconic callback to the very first chapter which reframes the entire series in a new context in a totally epic and moving way, and it’s all very good. Except that Horikoshi is determined to never let anyone actually give this kid a hug. Who hurt you, dude.

omg we are opening on a callback to chapter 212, a.k.a. the chapter with by far the cutest flashback that doesn’t involve any baby Todorokis

baby Ochako is lethally cute. she could literally murder someone with her cuteness. I just want to scoop her up and play airplane with her until she accidentally activates her quirk while we’re spinning around and we both helicopter up into the air never to be seen again

“a child’s insistence” huh well that’s all well and good, but I sure hope this doesn’t mean we’re going to drag out the whole “sternly lecture the obnoxious citizens” plot for another whole chapter. no offense but I think we’re good

so page 2 is just continuing the whole happy/worried faces monologue, which of course is very important to Ochako’s character as it provides the context for why “who protects the heroes” ended up becoming her thing. and this is making me think we actually are in for a whole second chapter of this sob. when will my boy finally get to rest

OH MY GOD SUDDENLY THESE PEOPLE HAVE EYES IMAGINE THAT

HORIKOSHI: [reaches for a box of tissues while tearfully penning an homage to his beloved Spider-Man 2, specifically the train scene where the crowd sees Peter without his mask and they suddenly realize just how young he is]

HORIKOSHI’S HOMAGE SCENE: “COME TO THINK OF IT, I GUESS IT WAS KIND OF MEAN FOR US TO PICK ON THIS TEN YEAR OLD KID WHO WEIGHS 75 POUNDS AND LOOKS LIKE HE LOST A FIGHT WITH SATAN’S MOLDY OLD BASEMENT”

lol at this one guy who can feel the mood of the crowd shifting and is all “WAIT, NO, I WANTED TO KEEP BEING AN ASSHOLE DAMMIT”

as many pointed out last week, this man is wearing an All Might shirt. that’s some fantastic irony there

-- SDKFJWIGKS

“LITTLE GIRL, I HOPE YOU’RE NOT SUGGESTING THAT WE SHOULD ALL BE WALKING AROUND DRESSED LIKE A SOVIET-ERA BUS STOP.” heh. last week I said I was ashamed of BnHA being my favorite manga. that was a lie, actually

(ETA: in the original Japanese Ochako’s next two lines are basically “the only ones covered in mud will be us heroes!” followed by “please give us some time to get rid of the mud”, with that second line basically being the single funniest thing I’ve ever read rdslkjl. Ochako thank you so much for supporting my running gags. “YEAH WE KNOW HE’S DIRTY. WE ARE GONNA TRY AND CLEAN HIM UP, BUT IT MAY TAKE A WHILE, I’M JUST SAYING. I MEAN LOOK AT HIM. HE LOOKS LIKE AN ASBESTOS COSPLAY.”)

doesn’t the megaphone kind of look ever so slightly like an axe that she’s wielding maniacally here

easy there Lizzie Borden

also that’s a really bold claim to make there. and not one she necessarily should have to make, either. but as we all know, there’s nothing that shounen manga likes more than having its heroes bravely hoist heavy burdens of responsibility like good self-sacrificing citizens

p.s. lowkey loving how Kacchan is positioned here standing slightly behind Deku. not presuming to stand in front of him all overprotectively (because he would hate if anyone ever did that to him), and kind of being unobtrusive and letting others take center stage -- but still being close enough to Deku that he can catch him if he stumbles or passes out again

(ETA: or maybe not lmao.

DEKU: [falls to his knees]

KACCHAN: [glancing up from his phone a few minutes later] “someone just sent me the stupidest meme about milk crates -- oh. uh. you good...?”

really, son. “the burdens you can’t carry, we’ll carry them for you. ...later, I mean. right now it’s late, and we’re all cold and wet.”)

also lowkey loving this OchaTsu moment here

I was going back and binging Ochako chapters this past week for reasons, and I gotta say it really stuck out to me just how often these two are paired with each other. they do everything together. it’s a really sweet friendship that often goes unappreciated but it’s very cute

meanwhile, not to be outdone by the OchaTsu, Iida is staring at Ochako with open admiration talking about how she’s fighting too. it’s been so long since we’ve had any IidaRaka you guys. I was starving and I didn’t even know it

oh my lord IT’S FINALLY HAPPENING

THE LIGHT IS BACK. he finally looks like him again. what a cathartic fucking moment omg

ffklkdw

“I KNOW YOU ARE ALL SCARED, BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS, WE DEFINITELY CANNOT GUARANTEE YOUR SAFETY AND WE ARE ALL SCARED TOO!” good pep talk there kiddo

BUT, jokes aside, truth be told this is the exact right approach to take imo, and something that’s long overdue. I’ve said this before, but this new generation of heroes is shaping up to be much more transparent than the All Might generation. they’re basically abandoning the almighty, untouchable Superman “heroes as gods” concept in favor of the more nuanced “heroes as people” concept instead. and that’s a good thing. seeing their heroes as humans, with human limitations and weaknesses and flaws, will hopefully not only lead to more scrutiny and accountability, but also more awareness of how hard some of them are working and how much they’re sacrificing. that’s something All Might never quite grasped back at the start of the series -- that the weak, vulnerable, injured him could be just as inspiring as the mighty, invincible him -- perhaps even more so. there’s a power in seeing otherwise ordinary people show extraordinary bravery and compassion. it inspires others to try and do the same

SSDLHK AIZAWA SIGHTING AAHHHHHH

so he was still back at the hospital this whole time?? smdh at this disrespect. that feeling when your sexy self-insert character’s powers of rationality are too strong, and so you have to nerf him so that he doesn’t ruin your Deku Angst arc twice over by (1) immediately talking some sense into Deku and making him come home Right This Instant Young Man, and (2) not allowing him to leave U.A. in the first fucking place. excuse me, you want to do WHAT now, Midoriya?? that’s it, go to your room

also living for Katsuki and Hawks’s soft expressions. Shouto’s too, although his is tinier and harder to see. and Jeanist’s 12-foot-long neck. imagine Jeanist’s head with Mic’s hair. maybe Jeanist had a mohawk back in the day and that’s why U.A.’s doors are so big now

speaking of soft faces, Enji’s is also excellent

what could this random close-up possibly imply?? hell if I know. but Horikoshi truly fears no discourse and that’s what I love about him

OMGGGG

“smh my child is so dumb.” poor Ochadad. your child is cute af count your blessings

SDOFFHSMH

I’m telling you guys. lethally, catastrophically cute

this speech is still ongoing lol. Horikoshi you’re doing so good but I think we get the point now my dude. you gotta learn how to transition out of these things

UNEXPECTED TOGA WHAT

“there we go” Horikoshi says, crossing off the last line on his list of Ochako ships. “that’s all of ‘em”

poor Ochako is just repeating the same “LET HIM REST, PLEASE, WITH EVERYONE’S COOPERATION, IF YOU DON’T MIND, WE APPRECIATE IT” talking points over and over again hoping someone will throw her a bone and acknowledge her already. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP HER

literally they’re all just staring up at her silently omg. work with me people!!

now she’s saying it for the 56th time but more dramatically all of a sudden

they got so dramatic that for a minute I thought she had suddenly leaped off the building or something

look, not to rush you or anything Horikoshi, but I’m starting to get the feeling that this is yet another one of those “the volume is ending soon so I need to either hurry things up or slow things down in order to make sure we end it on my perfect cliffhanger ending” chapters where you go to ridiculous lengths to drag things out much to the exasperation of your week-to-week readers

(ETA: ftr, volume 31 ended on chapter 306, and I’m predicting that vol. 32 will end with chapter 316 (a.k.a. “you’re next!” [explodes]). I’m guessing vol. 33 will follow suit and likely end on chapter 326, so keep your eyes peeled for a big cliffhanger in two weeks’ time. Deku’s dad?? All Might in peril?? U.A. traitor at long fucking last?? we shall see.)

is Deku straight up falling in love with Ochako right on the spot lol what is happening

I know I just said that I enjoy when Horikoshi gives zero fucks about discourse, but shipping discourse is a whole different beast lol. I hope he’s prepared

(ETA: and for the record, I have no interest in shipping discourse either, as always. and I think this scene can be interpreted as platonic, tbh, with the context being that Ochako was literally introduced as someone who was willing to help him so casually without a second thought, and now here she is saving him again.

I don’t think it really fully hit Deku until this moment how much he needed saving. like I said in another meta somewhere, selflessness is basically just selfishness on behalf of others. and Deku is selfless to a fault, but that’s okay, and it doesn’t mean he needs to change -- he just needs friends who are willing to be be selfish on his behalf in turn. and I think the full emotion of what it means to have friends like that just hit him at last. everything his friends have done for him, how much he needed it and didn’t even realize, and how grateful he is. anyways what a terrible day for rain.)

-- son of a --

is he apologizing?? or pleading?? please tell me that’s not the case, because what the actual fuck. Deku you beautiful precious radiant selfless child, this is the exact opposite of how this should be. all these motherfuckers should be on their knees apologizing to you

DEKU WHY

I DIDN’T ASK FOR THIS FREAKING BOMBARDMENT OF EMOTIONS GODDAMIT. OUT HERE ARMED WITH YOUR FREAKING TREBUCHET OF FEELS TO LAUNCH AT ME UNPROVOKED. WHAT’S WITH THAT

FREAKING CHRIST. THIS BOY IS CRYING HIS EYES OUT AND HORIKOSHI IS JUST ZOOMING IN WITH THE CAMERA, LIKE CAN WE JUST CUT HIM A BREAK ALREADY. ENOUGH OF THIS. HE’S SO YOUNG AND HE TRIES SO HARD AND I JUST NEED HIM TO FEEL SAFE, HORIKOSHI PLEASE CAN YOU JUST GIVE ME THAT ALREADY WHAT IS THE FREAKING HOLD UP!!

GIGANTIC FOX LADY!!!

GIGANTIC FOX LADY PLEASE BE MY HUGGER BY PROXY!! SERIOUSLY GIRL IF YOU JUST HOLD YOUR UMBRELLA OVER HIM OR SOMETHING AND DON’T GO THE EXTRA MILE I’M ABOUT TO LODGE AN OFFICIAL COMPLAINT. THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS NOW

!!!!

A KOUTA IS GOOD TOO!!! oh my god if Kouta hugs him I will seriously 100% straight up cry. go on and test me

FOR THE LOVE OF --

is this man expressly forbidden from drawing hugs in his contract or something. DO YOU DO IT JUST TO SPITE ME?? this is tyranny, sir

AND I KNOW, THIS PAGE ACTUALLY CHALLENGED THE VERY PREMISE OF THE SERIES ITSELF, AND HERE I AM COMPLAINING ABOUT HUGS, OR THE LACK THEREOF. “this is the story of how we all became the greatest heroes.” and just like that, he waves a polite middle finger at all of the Strongest Greatest Chosen One shounen protags of old, in favor of something much less conventional, much more interesting, and much more suited to Deku’s character. because if that one sentence doesn’t just sum up Deku to a T. he gladly relinquishes his Greatest Hero status in favor of acknowledging the hero in everyone. what a class act. that’s my protagonist

I love this kid so fucking much I swear. only just PLEASE. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. GIVE HIM HIS HUG

[infernal-fire]

Arachnophobia

Warnings: sexy times, a bittt of dubcon (only if you really squint), some spitting, arachnophobia

Wc: 1.3k

Summary: A surprise visitor interrupts your sexy times, but that doesn’t stop Bucky.

a/n: i bet you won’t even be able to tell i’m deathly scared of spiders by the end of this fic ;)

Bucky’s room was always clean. 

On an average day, it looked like no one lived there.

In fact, the only way you knew he used his room was because of the one pillow and lightweight blanket that had its conspicuous presence tucked away beside the little couch. 

The room’s occupant opened the door and easily spotted you in the otherwise empty room. He bore into your panty-clad form perched on the edge of his bed and leaned into the doorframe, amused. 

“To what do I owe this pleasure?” Bucky jeered.

“I’m... apologizing.”

You stood up and weightlessly padded to him while he closed the door without looking back.

“You’re damn right you are,” he taunted. 

“Don’t make me regret this,” you rolled your eyes, still refusing to close the gap between your bodies.

Earlier that week, you ignored a direct command. You stormed a room that had one too many agents to take on by yourself; you managed, though. Nonetheless, you would be a fool to think Bucky would ever let you hear the end of it. 

The quinjet was mostly silent, minus the occasional quip from the super-soldier. Even Steve had told him to lay off after the first few jabs, but he was relentless. 

The provenance of this angst? No one had known. This arrangement of yours? No one had noticed. 

“Why do you care so much, Barnes?” you finally countered. The rest of the team silently wondered the same thing.

It may have shut him up, but since then, you couldn’t go a day without thinking about the hurt that disturbed his face; it momentarily betrayed his indomitable demeanour.

Only took 6 days before you buckled.

Bucky gently placed his hands on your hips and pulled you to him. 

Kiss to the forehead. Kiss to the nose. Finally, a soft kiss to your lips. 

“I was wondering when you’d come around,” he mumbled into the deepening make-out. He began guiding your clueless form to the bed. The back of your knees hit the corner of the mattress and Bucky sat you down. He began pulling at the lace that outlined your body, diving into the crook of your neck for more kisses. 

You lightly pushed him away, keeping your hands at his shoulder while standing up again. 

“This is about you,” your nose nudged his cheek as your lips brushed along his jaw. He cupped the back of your head and let you nibble his earlobe, before pulling you off. 

“I’m equally guilty. Sorry for yelling at you.”

“I shouldn’t have said that either.”

“You still haven’t said sorry, doll.” He smirked, and once again, you roll your eyes.

“You’re really pushing it.” 

He let out a chuckle before he pulled you in for an embrace. 

“This is nice,” you murmured into his chest. 

“Right.” He didn’t sound happy, his tone lacking any intonation or conviction.

Suddenly, the super-soldier shoved you onto the bed. You couldn’t even get a word out before he was on top of you, growling like an animal, tearing at your baby doll. 

“I told you not to go in that room,” he grunted as he took out his cock from the confines of his pants. 

“Take off the rest,” you urged, picking at his sleeve.

“You don’t get to tell me what to do.”

You watched in surprise as he lewdly spitting on your pussy and rubbed the little button. 

“Whoa, slow down there, Barnes,” you groaned, clutching his wrist.

“Shut the fuck up,” he muttered while lining up his angry, red tip against your slit. He pushed the tip in and you braced yourself for the rest, but he stopped.

“Open your eyes,” he slapped your cheek. You hadn’t even realized you closed your eyes. 

“Look at me,” he moaned as he sunk in, “Look at me while I ruin you.” 

He buried himself to the hilt and slowly dragged it back out. 

You still didn’t understand why he was so mad. He thrust back in with ferocious intent and you involuntarily yelped. 

He didn’t let you adjust. You begged.

“Slow down, please, please, please,” you chanted. 

“Gonna make you remember to never disobey me again”, he replied into the shell of your ear. Bucky had buried his face in your neck, taking refuge in the heat while he pounded away your poor cunt. 

You clenched your eyes shut and held onto him for dear life. Too much pleasure. Brain- it’s... short-circuiting. Somehow, though, he knew you closed your eyes again. 

“Open your fucking eyes.”  Tears that your eyelids had been safeguarding came trickling down your cheek. 

Bucky’s room was always clean. 

On an average day, it looked like no one lived there.

So why, for fuck’s sake, was there a cobweb in the corner? 

You stopped your gurgling when you picked up on it. Even through your blurry vision, it was easy to make out the figure of a massive spider idly hanging on the remnant of a web. 

“BUCKY! SPIDER!” you screamed. 

He cussed and sat upright with his cock still resting inside you. His head snapped to the corner of the room where he spotted the creepy-crawler. Rather than pull out, he smirked and rutted into you again. 

“Bucky,” you wailed, “Spider.”

“I know. His name is Greg.” Your eyes widened in confusion and before you could register what was happening, the Sergeant pulled out and flipped you onto all fours. You ungraciously squealed as he pulled your hair up. You were now directly looking at the monster. 

He resumed his onslaught, pulling you up to his chest while he was at it. One of his hands snaked its way to your now-swollen bud. 

You cried a little. You screamed even more.

“I’M SO SORRY, PLEASE, STOP! STOP!”

Bucky ignored your pleas, his balls now slapping your entrance as he slid in and out. He knew you could take it - if you truly couldn’t, you would have screamed the safe word, not ‘stop’. 

The spider moved a little and you screamed even louder in response. At the same time, Bucky doubled his efforts to make you come. Now, you weren’t sure which one you were screaming for.

Finally, you came and felt Bucky’s warmth coat your insides as well. You wanted to enjoy the ride down, but all you could think about was that fucking spider, Greg. 

Bucky untangled his limbs from yours, effectively dropping you face-first onto the bedding while he pulled out. 

Exhaustion was piling over you, yet you couldn’t stop sleepily mumbling about the spider. You saw Bucky stand up on the bed, sticking out his vibranium arm to let Greg crawl onto him. He grinned at you deviously. 

“No, no, no, no.”

All your sleepiness was gone, with Barnes now inching closer to you with the beast in hand.

He laughed loudly, clutching his chest before making his way to the window and gently dropping the demon spawn. He made a little shooing motion and reminded Greg to come back after you were gone.

“What the fuck, Barnes?” You stared at him incredulously. A yawn overtook you and you laid down again, cautiously peering at the corners for any more mini-devils. 

“That’s a lesson for you,” he yawned too and climbed into bed. He pulled into his chest but you resisted and he snickered again. He pulled you in more forcefully and you huffed as you settled into his arms. 

“Fucking Greg.”

“Hey, don’t talk shit about Greg. He listens better than you,” Bucky quipped back. 

“Your room is always so clean, how the fuck did that get in here?”

“I can’t destroy his web. That’s his home!” You sighed and looked up at him, unaware of how to deal with him.

“Plus, he’s great company,” he added. 

“Oh yeah, yeah, of course. I’m sure you could find a good spider to fuck as well. Maybe I should call Peter in here for good measure?”

“Shut the fuck up before I stuff your mouth with my cock and bring him back in to watch.”

“You’re sick in the head, Barnes,” you defeatedly rebuked.

“But you love it.” 

You shook your head and dug your face into his shoulder. 

Little did you know that Bucky could feel the faint outline of a smile against his skin.

Divider: @firefly-graphics​

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[webofstories]

Yes Ma'am - P.P *Smut*

Summary: You figure out Peter is submissive and teach him a few things.

~

Note: sorry this chapter is so late and short!

~

Warnings: sub!Peter, bed humping, oral (fem recieving), dom!reader, praise

~

Peter was extremely focused, zoned in on a worksheet Mrs. Wilson assigned earlier today. His bottom lip was pulled between his teeth as his pencil tapped lightly against his hand to keep from bringing an annoying noise against the table. Even though the image occurred quite often, the sight was still quite attractive.

"Pete," you softly called out, smiling over to him.

"Mm?" He hummed, not even sparing you a glance. You frowned and rolled your eyes, he was really too focused to even reply properly?

"Why don't you come here and take a break from that for a bit, hmm?" You suggest, crossing your legs.

"I can't, I gotta get this done-"

"Now." You instantly interrupted, a little annoyed. You brought a tang of authority to your voice. Peter's eyes snapped to yours, his pupils dilating a bit as he searched your features, eyes wide.

Giving in, he placed down his pencil and walked over to you on the bed. You couldn't help as your eyes rolled over his gorgeous body. He was wearing only grey sweatpants with no shirt, making him a sight to see. What you didn't expect to see, though, was the small bulge slightly poking a tent in his sweatpants.

Peter saw you notice his semi boner and gulped.

"Um... I-" he stutters, looking anywhere but at you.

"Peter..." You said mischievously, a small smirk playing onto your lips, "...did you like that?"

"Like uh, like what?" He stammered over his words, trying to cover his obvious boner that only grew.

"When I demanded you to do something," You chuckled, grabbing his belt loop and pulling him closer to you, "Did you like it?"

Peter looks around the room, looking hesitant to answer. You smiled to yourself knowing the answer already.

"Um, yea.." he said quietly, "Yes, I did..."

"Yes what?" You asked standing up, pushing him down on the bed and straddling his waist.

He looked at you with wide eyes, his hands pinned above his head as he had a beautiful view down your low cut shirt. The entire situation was turning him on to an extreme, he never expected you to even find out about his kink. Guess he should have known better.

"Y-Yes, ma'am..."

"Good boy, Peter..." you trailed off, your hands lingering down his shirt and to it's hem, "So good for me."

You crashed your lips against his, holding his hands above his head, pinning them down. He grunted into your mouth and bucked his hips upwards, making you pull away and give him a warning look.

"Don't make me punish you, baby boy."

"I- I'm sorry, ma'am.."

"It's okay, baby," you chuckled, running a hand through his hair, "Just don't do it again."

Peter really looked like he wanted to say something as he bit the inside of his cheek, looking you in the eye.

"What is it, Pete?" You said softly, openly inviting him to speak just with your eyes.

"I wanna taste you," he blurted out, "Badly."

His eyes widened in shock at the words that fell out of his mouth. Of course, you were stunned, but didn't show it for the sake of poor nervous Peter.

When it comes to experience, Peter lacked it, but you had enough to go on. You thought it was cute to see him all flustered, babbling over what he just spewed out. It was adorable, yet sexy.

"I-I just don't know how..." he continued, looking anywhere but at you.

With a smile, you hopped off Peter's lap, positioning yourself to lay on the bed, your head softly plopping down on the pillow. Peter seemed confused, but seemed to understand at the same time.

"I'll teach you," you said, "Unless you've changed your mind?"

Peter's eyes went wide as he quickly shook his head, seemingly not knowing where to put his hands or what to do. You smirked a bit and slowly started pulling down your sweatpants, tugging your bottom lip between your teeth as you watched him practically drool.

"Come on baby, put on your big boy pants and make me feel good." You whisper seductively, eyeing him carefully. Left in nothing but Peter's t-shirt, you smirked, watching as he hesitantly pushed both your legs over his shoulders.

You could now feel his breath fanning against your heat, making a shudder roll over you. A shaky breath left your lips and you couldn't help but feel starstruck.

"O-Okay..." you fumbled, trying to focus but it was hard with Peter's close proximity teasing you, "You're gonna wanna lick a little bit, just use your tongue to kind of massage...,"

Peter felt himself getting harder and harder at your words and seeing how flustered you've become. The large erection in his sweatpants was tempting him to rut into the mattress, try to gain some friction, at least, to calm the chaos his cock was throbbing with. But, right now, all he could think about was diving into your paradise.

Peter gave you no warning, taking you completely by surprise as he started licking quick and long stripes between your folds, lapping up your juices that you developed when daydreaming as Peter did his homework. A sharp moan left your lips, screwing your eyes shut as you threw your head back into the soft pillow below you. Your fingers were quick to tangle in his chocolate dipped hair, pulling and tugging gently as he tongue fucked you.

You knew he was eager to taste you, but you didn't expect this sudden confidence. It took you completely by surprise that he had no hesitance, another moan leaving your lips.

"P-Peter!" You moaned out, eyes shut and back arched to a peak.

Peter couldn't help himself, he needed to feel something. Listening to your moans was driving him up a wall and he could just feel himself twitching against the mattress. Slowly, he started bringing himself to rut his hips into the mattress.

"You taste like heaven.." Pete's voice trailed off, barely taking in another breath as he drove back into your pussy.

He found your hole and pushed his tongue deep inside you, making your eyes widen and a breath hitch in your throat.

"Oh my god, Peter!" You yelled out, rolling your hips into his tongue.

Peter brought his fingers to your clit and started rubbing vigorously, breathing heavy into your pussy as his hot breath gave you butterflies. You felt like you were on cloud 9... there's no way Peter had never done this before.

"Good boy... fuck!" You moaned, feeling the bed move sharp and swift as Peter humped faster and faster.

Peter's tongue started burning in exhaustion, so he replaced it with three fingers, making you want to pass out from pleasure.

"Fuck fuck fuck- don't stop, I'm so close!"

Peter gave into your pleas, eyes trained on your fucked features as he curled his fingers inside you. He felt his high approaching, his pants only feeling tighter and tighter.

"Fuck- Y/NN," he moaned your name with ease, putting his all into the last few thrusts of his fingers before feeling you come completely undone all over him.

You gasped and threw your head back, eyes screwed shut as you let out a string of curse words. Your juices coated Peter's hand, a small smile on your face as you observed him getting off to making you feel good. Peter had always found joy in others- but this was new.

It took only a few more thrusts of his hips into the mattress before Peter finished, cumming in his pants as you watched with gleaming eyes. He pulled his fingers out of your tender pussy, making you winced, resulting in him sending a small apologetic look your way.

He had a blush on his face, looking down at the darker spot of cum on his sweatpants. You giggled, getting on your knees on the bed, walking over to him.

"You did so good, baby.." you praised him, letting your fingernails gently caress down his chest. He shivered.

"I-I did?" He questioned, looking down at you.

You giggled, "Of course, dummy. You think I was making all that noise for fun?"

He chuckled, grabbing your hips and pulling your body into him, resulting in a yelp but small giggle, smiling up at his already upright lips.

"I can't wait to do that again," he speaks confidently, surprising you, yet making you smirk.

With a gleam in your eye, you stared deeply into his chocolate orbs as your hands disappeared between your bodies, slipping into his sweatpants, which were moist with cum. He was hard again already- he always liked the look of you in his tshirt and nothing else.

"Well.. what's stopping you?" You leaned and whispered into his ear seductively, pulling away with an innocent smile.

This time, Peter smiled a boyish grin before roughly pinning you onto the mattress.

"You don't have to tell me twice." Was all he said before getting to work one again.

~

[sinner-as-saint]

Too Young To Love You

Chubby!Bucky x reader

Requested.

Run-through: You come home from uni to spend the holidays with your parents. And you find out that your feelings for a certain man named Bucky hasn’t died out completely yet. One look at him and the sparks and butterflies came to life again. However, there are a couple of issues which stand in the way. First, Bucky’s twice your age. And second, he’s your dad’s best friend.

Themes: age gap, smut, fluff, slight bratty!reader, language, dad’s best friend!bucky, dirty talk

“Hey there, Buck!” you chirped as you walked into your parent’s kitchen.

He turned around, “Hey babygirl.” He gave you his usual warm smile which accentuated his squishy cheeks you secretly loved so much.

Bucky was your parent’s new next door neighbor. And to celebrate your homecoming for the summer, your parents had invited him over for dinner tonight – which he was also helping in making right now.  

You admired the handsome man from afar. Sure it was immoral and wrong, but you couldn’t help but develop a crush on Bucky Barnes – your dad’s best friend.

 It started when you first met him, a couple of years ago when him and his girlfriend at the time, Natasha joined you and your parents on a summer trip. He caught your eye immediately, despite the age difference. He was sweet and kind and so damn attractive and cute. He was funny as well. You remember how quickly you had gotten comfortable around him.

He made you laugh for hours on end at the lakeside while your family had barbeque nights almost each night that summer. His long dark hair was his best feature, you concluded. Then his sinfully pink lips. But you liked his built better. Tall and broad, soft around the middle, thick thighs and squishy cheeks. And those blue eyes… those damn blue eyes. You were young though, too young. Only eighteen at the time. And your naïve heart fell for him right there and then. He was magnetic, the kind of person you want to be around all the time.

But you knew there was no scope for you two. There was no way. So you took your secret crush on him and went off to university. But you didn’t entirely forget about him, the crush you had on Bucky diminished eventually as you began going on dates with boys your age here and there. But it didn’t die out entirely.

 Babygirl… the nickname Bucky had given you around three years ago still made you feel warm and tingly. You never knew when exactly did he decide to call you ‘babygirl’, perhaps it was that summer day, three years ago, when you and him went on a boat ride around the lake while his girlfriend and your parents were asleep at the cabin.

You remembered that day like it was yesterday. You remembered how his hair moved with the wind, and how soft he looked in that loose tank top, his hair tie on his wrist as he navigated the boat with expertise and marveled at the sunrise with you. You were convinced that that summer morning solidified your feelings for him. But there was nothing you could do. You were too young then. Too young to love him.

 “You need help with anything?” you asked and sat down on the stool by the breakfast bar. Bucky was busy making dessert, and he smiled and turned sideways to look at you.

“Nope, just keep me company. I got this.” He winked and your heart fluttered. How can a man be so wholesome and adorable but also so effortlessly sexy at the same time?

You took advantage of the fact that your parents weren’t home – out on an impromptu trip to the store – to rope Bucky into a conversation you were dying to have.  

“So,” you began casually, “How’s your girlfriend?” you asked, knowing damn well him and Natasha weren’t a thing anymore. They broke up early last year – you found out while you were scrolling through social media. But you didn’t want Bucky to know that you spied on him online so you played dumb for a minute.

Bucky chuckled and shook his head playfully. “No, no, no we’re starting with you! How’s your boyfriend? How many poor boys’ hearts are you breaking out there?” he asked, stirring what seemed to be chocolate ganache in a bowl.

You laughed. Oh well, your parents must’ve told him all about you and the boy you were messing around with.

“He’s not a boyfriend. Peter is just… you know.” your answer made him chuckle.

“Oh I know. What does he do?” Bucky asked, and he seemed genuinely interested.

“He studies music. He’s in a band on campus.” You answered, and added, “And we hold hands sometimes.”

Bucky laughed and set the bowl down, reaching for a napkin. “Good girl. Don’t you do more than just hold hands, young lady. You hear me?” he said playfully. He often did this thing whenever he met you where he pretended to be a strict adult advising you against young boys who could potentially break your heart.

You found it rather adorable. But today you felt extra confident, especially after you noticed that he had been ‘accidentally’ staring at your exposed legs – courtesy to the short plaid skirt you wore, and at your cleavage which was accentuated by the top you were wearing.

“Yeah? And what if I do more than just hold hands with the boys?” you asked, teasing. And if one were more attentive, one would surely catch the shameless lust hidden in your voice. Perhaps Bucky caught it too because he immediately turned around and gave you a look which you didn’t quite understand but liked nonetheless.

Even his slight frown was hot as hell.

“Those boys your age don’t know how to treat nice girls like you. They’ll end up just using you, so keep a safe distance.” He sounded polite, but still a little bothered – was this caused by the fact that you leaned back against the kitchen island, practically showing off your legs, chest and exposed skin because you simply wanted him to lose control for once and just touch you? Well, maybe a little.

Bucky wasn’t completely oblivious to what was going on. He caught the look in your eyes, a wild, indecent look – one he knew all too well. And as much as you were pretty and practically begging for his attention in ways which were sinful more than anything, Bucky couldn’t act the way you wanted him too. It was wrong, besides, you were too young.

“I know you do.” you said, seductively. And as ashamed of it as he was, Bucky couldn’t deny feeling a rush of excitement course through him as he heard the sound of your voice. You were basically presenting yourself to him, and he knew. “Why don’t you show me how it’s done? That way I’ll know who’s not worth my time.” You got off the stool and walked over to him, backing him against the counter.

Half of him wasn’t that surprised because, again, he wasn’t that oblivious. He noticed the way you acted around him, and how you dressed – always trying to get his attention. But Bucky had never crossed any lines. He wasn’t sure that would stay that way for long. Not given how you were behaving today.

You didn’t know where the confidence came from. You knew it would be another 30-40 minutes until your parents came back, so you figured why not just go for it now that you had Bucky alone all to yourself. And you could tell he was having a little trouble maintaining his composure.

Bucky chuckled nervously, lowkey surprised. “What do you mean, Y/N?”

You smirked, sensing his excitement and his nervousness at the same time. These were risky and dangerous territories you were stepping in, you had to be careful. Yet at the same time, all you wanted to do was carelessly pounce on him and deal with the aftermath later.

“You know what I mean.” You stepped closer to him. His body pressed against the counter and you left barely a few inches of distance between your body and his. You could feel his body heat radiating off him through his soft, cream colored sweater.

He watched you as you reached over and dipped a finger into the chocolate and lazily brought it up to your mouth, parting your lips seductively, pushing your finger past your lips and twirling your tongue around the tip of your finger. Licking the chocolate ganache off your skin as you held his stare. He hated to admit it, but something in him flipped like a switch right there and then.

Fuck…

“I want you.” you whispered, licking your finger clean. Something inside Bucky stirred. A raw need. A desire. A burning hot one. He almost reach out to touch you. Almost.

But then he stopped himself. No, this was wrong. You were just young and confused and you had no idea what you were doing. You were just a young girl. And Bucky couldn’t take advantage of you like that.

“Stop that.” he said sternly.

You smirked, knowing you were slowly but surely pushing him till right where you needed him. “Stop what?” you played dumb again.

He sighed. “You know what. Now to get some air outside and clear your head.” he sounded almost irritated. But you knew he was far from it. You could read people easily and Bucky’s eyes gave away that he was feeling guilty because you were succeeding in turning him on and seducing him.

He pushed you aside and tried to walk away to finish dessert but you grabbed his arm and pulled him back into you, pressing up against him. Smirking still. “Don’t run from me. What did I do that’s so wrong? I just said that I wanted you.” you wrapped your arms around his neck and he pulled your arms away from him gently.

He sighed again. “Don’t do this. You’re not thinking straight right now, okay? Just got get some air.” He persisted, resisting you even if every fiber of his body felt hot the moment you touched him.

You pouted, “I don’t need to get air. I need you.” you reached down and grabbed his hand and led it down your body, guiding his fingers under your skirt and in between your legs. Inching higher and higher until his warm fingers brushed against your bare, wet cunt.

He instinctively cupped you there and you hissed in pleasure. Fuck… he was only human too. And his primal, feral needs took over in less than a second. He still hesitated, and felt like he was being deviant by just touching you like this. Or worse, by liking the fact that he was touching you like this.

“See? You want me too.” You murmured and tried to lean in for a kiss. But Bucky pulled away from you, removing his hand from under your skirt and taking a step back.

“We shouldn’t do this.” He said in all seriousness. “Now stop being a brat.”

You tilted your head and raised an eyebrow. “No. But we can. No one has to know, Buck…” you purred as you took a step forward and pressed your body to his chest again.

“I can’t do that to you.” he whispered, and you noticed how he didn’t push you away this time as you snaked your arms around his neck. Feeling his broad shoulders under your touch, you smiled innocently looking up at him.

“Why not?”

“You’re too young.” his answer made you want to act up even more.

You chuckled, leaning closer. “Not anymore, Buck. I can show you I’m a big girl now.” you murmured, your hand discretely slipping between your bodies, down to his crotch where you shamelessly palmed him through his pants. You felt his semi erection; big, long and thick. You bit your lower lip as a feral desire coursed through you.

He hissed. “Y/N…” he said so threateningly. He was right on the edge of just saying ‘fuck it’ and giving into you as well you could tell, but he was also fighting it at the same time. The sound of your name leaving his mouth in such a lewd manner made a pleasant chill run down your spine.

“I want you, Buck.” you whispered again, hoping he’d see the desperation in your eyes. You were shamelessly begging. “I want you deep inside me,” he closed his eyes and fought the want to just take you relentlessly right there and then on the counter behind you. “I want to feel your big cock stretching me out,” you reached up and kissed him on the corner of his mouth. “I want you to fill me up with your cum and tell me you own my cunt-,”

You didn’t have time to finish that sentence as he growled and reached up to wrap his hand around your throat and pushed you backwards until your body was pressed up against the counter. Your words were making him all crazy. You smirked, despite being choked gently, at the sight of the raw hunger in his eyes. There was no going back now…

“Yeah? Is that what you want?” he whispered, running the tip of his nose along your cheek. He pressed his lower body further into yours and you whimpered as you felt his hard cock pressing against you right in between your legs. “What a dirty girl, begging for my cock like a good little slut…” he leaned in to bite your lower lip, tugging on it gently. His hand around your throat squeezed the sides of your neck gently.

You whined and your heart raced at how close he was to you. Finally…

“Please Buck… I’ll be good to you.” you murmured and he pulled away and smirked. You felt him press his body further into you, and you were convinced that your words were affecting him just like you wanted them to. “I’ll be the best you’ve ever had.”

One look into your eyes and he was done for. You were quite literally begging him to fuck you; lips parted, eyes wild and breathing heavily. Your body was hot with burning desire. How could he deny you what you wanted, especially when you looked like that? So ready and open.

“Really?” he teased, pushing his knee in between your legs and pressing his upper thigh up to your bare cunt. “You’re so desperate for my cock, aren’t you babygirl? You wanna show me you’re a big girl now, is that what this is?” he bit along your jaw and you whimpered, holding on to the counter behind you. “How fucking adorable…” he murmured against your skin. His voice deep and raspy and dripping with unrestrained lust.

You trembled against him. You whimpered when you felt his leg settling in between yours, pressing his clothed thigh against your bare, wet core. He applied just the slightest bit of pressure and you groaned. His voice, his words reverberated inside you and you whined; almost losing your mind due to how much you needed him in you already. He was edging you shamelessly and you could only take so much. “Please…” your plea made him chuckle darkly.

“Well first you gotta show me you even deserve my cock deep inside you, babygirl. Get on your knees.” He stepped back slightly, allowing you enough room to get down on your knees. “If you want my cock, you gotta earn it.” He spoke. You sank to your knees and then tilted your head up to look at him. You were so ready…

You hurried and unzipped his pants, then lowered his underwear to free his erected cock. The mere sight of his thick cock had you whining with need, but you decided to push your needs aside for now. Right now all you focused on was him, and proving to him that you did in fact, deserve to have his cock in you.  

You wrapped your hands around his throbbing cock and placed your mouth on his tip; your tongue slowly circling his tip. Bucky grabbed a fistful of your hair; tugging on it gently and slowly pushed himself deeper into your mouth. “That’s it, babygirl. Take me nice and deep like a good little slut…” he murmured, his words fueling the fire inside you. You bobbed your head around his tip; taking him in inch by inch until he hit the back of your throat. “Show me how bad you want me.”

You whined as you sucked on his cock. He closed his eyes and hissed, lips parted and gasping as he tilted his head back. He looked so good you could cry. “Fuck…” he moaned and you quickened your pace. He thrust his hips forward very gently into your mouth, and loved the sight of your mouth wrapped around his cock. You took him so perfectly.

Hollowing your cheeks, you felt a rush each time he gasped, or moaned, or growled. The sounds which escaped his lips made you squirm and it only added to the dampness which was forming in your underwear. You let his taste invade your senses; his scent and the velvety feel of his cock against your tongue was making you lose your mind.

You squirmed and clenched your thighs together, unable to take it anymore. You just needed some sort of release, quick. So you bobbed your head around him quicker, desperate to get him off so he could cater to your needs. He moaned and panted and tugged harder on your hair. “Come on that’s it, show me how bad you want it.”

Those words were all it took for you to suck on his cock until he came undone all over your tongue. He came with a moan and a sigh, closing his eyes and relishing the warmth of your mouth wrapped around him. You swallowed all of him, licked him clean and stood back up. He smirked and wrapped his hand around your throat again.

“You did good, babygirl.” He murmured and finally pressed his mouth to yours. He kissed you passionately, tongue pushing past your lips and stroking the top of your mouth. He hummed at the taste of him on your tongue; it was all too dirty and it made you whimper and tremble. Leaving you breathless with just one kiss.

He slipped his hand under your skirt and wasted no time in running his knuckles up and down your dripping cunt. He chuckled. “So fucking desperate, aren’t you?” his raspy voice whispered in your ear. “Bet those boys your age don’t satisfy you enough. So you need a man to show you how it’s done, isn’t it?”

You whimpered as he pushed his fingers inside you, gently stroking your walls and stretching your hole a little so it can accommodate his cock next. “Fuck… yes Bucky please,” you whined and threw your head back and moaned. His grip around your throat tightened a little more and he growled when he felt your walls clench around his fingers violently.

“Think you’re gonna be the best I’ve ever had, huh? Think you’re a big girl now, yeah? Fuck, you’re so precious, babygirl…” he murmured and sped up, his fingers slipping in and out of you so perfectly that you moaned wantonly. You were dripping all over his hand and possibly the counter as well, but neither of you cared.

You whined, unable to take the sweet torture any longer. You begged, with your words and your movements, desperately trying to grind against his hand. He chuckled, pulled his finger out of you, pushed you back onto the counter and got you to wrap your legs around his waist. Your grip on the counter grew tighter as you steadied yourself for his thrust.

Slowly, he filled you up; stretching you and had you whimpering under him. He chuckled at how responsive you were. He pushed himself into you rapidly. Bucky barely gave you time to adjust to his size before he started rocking in and out of you. You felt all of him, each vein, each stroke and every inch of his skin.

You felt his thick thighs press against your bare legs, flexing as he rocked in and out of you. He grunted as he gripped your hips tightly while he slammed his cock into your entrance repeatedly.

“Is this what you wanted, huh?” he spoke through gritted teeth, watching how you struggled to take his cock. “You needed a man to fuck you like a little slut, didn’t you babygirl? So fucking take it.” he sped up into you. His words fueled the spark in you. And your head fell back as you moaned at his actions and his words.

His thrusts were relentless. His mouth soon found yours and he nibbled on your bottom lip as you gasped. He was taking over all your senses and you were more than happy to let him. While he fucked you raw, his hand moved up to your throat again. His fingers wrapped around your throat and forced you to open your eyes and look into his. He fucked you relentlessly; earning more and more moans out of you each time his cock stroked your walls.

“You just wanted to be filled with my cock, didn’t you? You wanted me to stretch you out,” His hand left your throat and toyed with your breasts through the thin material of your top. Your back arched in pleasure as his hands grabbed you wherever he could. “You wanted me to wreck this little cunt and own it, huh?” His body slammed into yours repeatedly, and you could feel a soreness forming in between your legs already. “Who’s fucking you this good, babygirl? Tell me who’s fucking this cunt so good.” He growled.

A tear escaped your eye as you tried so hard to make his words make sense in your head, but it was so hard when his body was making you lose your mind. “You are…” you mumbled, whining and feeling so full of his cock it was unbearably good.

“Your wet little cunt feels so good around me, babygirl…” he murmured, voice low and hazy in pleasure. He moaned and gasped as he felt your walls milking him and squeezing him just right. “So good…” You cried out as he kept rocking into you, speeding up with each thrust. “Who owns this little cunt, huh?”

“You do…”

Each time he slammed into you, your back crashed against the counter, achingly. But the pleasure his body brought you made up for that. You whimpered as his pounded into your core. His pelvic bone smacking against your body, making you cry out.

You felt like you were losing your mind. The pleasure was overwhelming; the feeling of his warm body pressing into yours and the feeling of his cock ramming in and out of you, stretching you out deliciously; you couldn’t hold back anymore.

“Buck…” you moaned, your mind getting foggier and foggier with each passing second. He slammed in and out of you continuously, moaning and grunting in the process. Tears fell out of your eyes as the pleasure became too much to handle. But you still wanted more of him.

Your thoughts were a mess. You squirmed in pleasure as both his hands gripped your hips, pushing you into him harshly each time he filled you up. He growled and pushed his face into your neck, “Go on babygirl, cum for me.” He bit down on your shoulder and sped up even more. His thrust violent and animalistic. You moaned loudly and gushed out around his cock; gasping ad whimpering.

He moaned out loud when he felt your walls pulsating violently around him. His thrusts became irregular as he came right after you as well, shooting his load at your walls. He didn’t pull out even after the two of you came. He just kept his throbbing cock carefully buried in you.

He relished your warmth and kissed you; growling and pushing his tongue into your open mouth like he owned it. You felt his cock twitching and pulsating against you as your body clenched around him still as you recovered from your previous orgasm.

He smirked as he pulled away. “Better clean up before your parents get home, babygirl.” He whispered and looked down at your disheveled state. So hot and bothered, and fucked out.

You could barely breathe right but you still gave him a lazy smirk. “Not too young for you now, am I?” you teased, knowing he enjoyed it just as much as you did. He groaned and hid his face into your neck again.

[allegra-writes]

"Bad together"

Prologue: Benjamin Reilly

Peter Parker x Reader

General audiences

Warnings: none.

"And if I'm dead to you

Why are you at the wake?

Cursing my name, wishing I stayed"

My tears ricochet - Taylor Swift

"... It's a disaster! Look at her! It's like someone took a look at Black Cat, selected everything that made her sexy and then took it out!"

Black Cat. The name froze the young photographer on his tracks right outside his boss' office. He hadn't heard that name in a long time, the last sighting had been well over a year ago. He would know.  After all, it had been him, the very last person to have seen Felicia Hardy, alive or dead.

"What are you talking about? That looks hot af, not to mention badass!" Jade's persuasive voice reached his ears, making him smirk: It was no secret the chief editor had a soft spot for the young intern. And, on her part, the petite brunette was a firecracker. Poor old Jameson didn't stand a chance. "Come on, dad. Single handedly taking down three of the Kingpin's goons? That's impressive. It deserves to be one of the slides!" 

"Not if we don't get a higher quality picture. That blurry video is good enough for a thumbnail, but not for a slide" Slides were a big deal, they were the Dailybugle.net's equivalent of a front page, and if J. Jonah Jameson took something seriously, it was his web site. He prided himself in the quality of the "receipts" of his "tea", as if that validated the trashiness of the bullshit articles he posted, more fiction from hyper imaginative wannabe writers than serious work from real reporters. 

"Well, then let's get the pictures. Where is that star photographer of yours?" 

The photographer rolled his eyes, typical Jade. As if the queen of cool didn't know his name. As if she hadn't graced his bed a handful of times already. 

"That's a good question. Dolores, get me Reilly!"

"I'm here, Jonah" Ben finally stepped inside the office, throwing an envelope on Jameson's desk before throwing himself on a chair across it. He could feel Jade's eyes on him, almost like a physical caress, trailing from the long, slick back curls on the top of his head, to the muscles of his arms, threatening to rip open the seams at the sleeves of his white t-shirt, to his jean clad thighs. Still, he didn't turn to look at her, refusing to give her the satisfaction. 

"What do you have for me today, boy?"

Ben gesticulated vaguely with his head in the direction of Jade, and Jameson caught the hint. 

"Jade, out!" 

"But, dad, my story!" The petulant reply left her mouth before she could stop it, undoubtedly the product of years of habit. But she had the grace to look embarrassed and leave the office without another word, trying to save whatever professionalism she had left. 

Once she was gone, Jameson opened the envelope, flipping through the various pictures of a masked figure swinging around New York in a black and red suit. 

"Hmmm… these are good" the older man praised, staring at the images of a frustrated robbery at 5th avenue

Ben snifled nocomitically,

"There was a fire at 16th avenue happening at the same time" He offered, "we could use that. Spider-Man forgets his roots and leaves his old neighborhood to fend for itself, running off to save some pretty socialite…"

"Oh, that is excellent! See, this is why I like you, kid. You have initiative. Unlike these snowflakes out there. Oh, but Spider-Man is a hero. Hero, my ass"

"Well, when you watch your so called hero sit back and do nothing as your life gets destroyed" Ben shrugged, "the rose colored glasses tend to fall off…"

Jameson made a face at that,

"Yeah, about that… I'm sorry. For the role the Daily Bugle played on that…"

Ben shook his head, 

"You thought you were getting the truth out there. It's not your fault to have been played, along with half the world. Plus," he added, sounding genuinely enthusiastic, "you gave me this job. And now we can really tell the truth"

"Even when our idea of the truth is somehow different" The older man scoffed, flipping around a picture of Spider-Man sat on what appeared to be a hammock of his own webs, eating a hamburger and reading something that looked suspiciously like a comic book, "Still hung up on that high schooler theory of yours?"

"Well, if it talks like a brat and acts like a brat…" Ben took out another envelope, this time containing a few burger king wrappers and, effectively, a spider-man comic book. 

"Where did you even get these?"

"Harlem" was Ben's curt reply, and Jameson knew that was as exact a location as he was going to get. 

"So you still believe this is a copycat? Some kid playing dress up"

Ben simply shrugged again. 

"Well, there seems to be an epidemic of those lately" Jameson admitted, indicating Ben to come closer, passing a tablet to him, "Jade just handled me this, take a look"

Ben took a deep breath, steeling himself, already knowing what he was going to see in it. Yet, a part of him couldn't help but hope to be wrong. To hope the silver haired figure facing three much bigger, stronger looking ones as he pressed play, wasn't the same one he had spent weeks memorizing last summer. Wasn't the body he had found solace in, when everything fell apart, once again, for the hundredth time in his life. 

To hope it wasn't you. 

But when in his twenty-two or so years of existence, had things ever gone his way? 

Ben felt the screen crack under his fingertips.

"I've heard of her" he lied through his teeth, "didn't even think she was real, to be honest. Extremely elusive, and cunning." That much was true, "I don't understand how something as mundane as a security camera managed to catch her…" 

Unless you wanted to be caught, that was. 

"Well, I don't care if she's the fucking Loch Ness monster, I want an HD picture of her on my desk tomorrow to go with Jade's article. I already have a headline: New Catastrophe Jen wreaks havoc on Hell's Kitchen" Jameson's eyes lit up with glee as he weaved his hands up in the air, like writing on an invisible marquee. 

Ben snorted

"Don't you mean Calamity Jane?"

Jameson's face fell, the color rising to his cheeks, characteristic vein popping on his forehead. 

"I meant what I meant, boy! Now, what are you still doing here? You have 24 hours to get me that picture"

"I'm going to need 72," came Ben's unphased reply, "and I want twice what you pay me for the spidey pics"

Jameson's vein looked about ready to explode,

"48 hours. And deal."

Ben jumped from his seat and bolted out of the office before his boss could change his mind, not realizing until it was too late that he was on a collision course with a sweet looking short haired blonde girl. 

"Watch where you're going! Jeez!"

"Me? You're the one who crashed against me!" 

Ben rolled his eyes, but crouched next to the girl anyway, helping her gather the papers that had been sent flying on impact back together.

"Peter? Oh my god, is that you?"

Of course. What an idiot, he should had recognized that annoying, shrilly voice the second he heard it. It had caught him off guard, something he knew he couldn't afford. But how could he had ever imagine he could run into Betty fucking Brant, Yale cum laude, in the freaking dailybugle.net headquarters of all places?

"Sorry, sweetheart. You must confuse me with someone else…" He mumbled, lowering his head even more in a vain attempt to hide his face.

"Of course not!" She insisted, "You're Peter, Peter Parker, we went to Midtown together!"

"Miss, I have no idea what you're talking about…"

"Don't be silly, Peter!" She chuckled, completely deft to his tone or the way his whole demeanor had changed the second she had called him by the old name. "How have you been? Oh, just wait until I tell Ned, he's going to be so-"

CRACK.

At last, the tablet that had been in peril ever since Jameson had put it in Ben's hands, the one that contained his assignment, met its demise, both broken halves falling to the ground, along with all the papers he had picked up for Betty. It was several moments before he could get the shaking of his hands under control, before the tar black rage inside him subsided enough for him to be able to move without shifting. But it had.

"Peter Parker is dead." He deadpanned, dark brown eyes finally meeting Betty's stunned blue ones, "Tell Ned that, he'll probably be glad to hear it"

With that, he stood up and walked away, leaving a confused and agitated Betty behind. 

To be continued...

[rebeccccccaaa]

pυllιɴɢ тнe тrιɢɢer

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Peтer Pαrĸer х Reαder

Ѕυммαry: You were given a mission to get rid of Peter Parker by Dr Otto Octavius. So here you were face to face and all you have to do is pull the trigger. 

Wαrɴιɴɢѕ: angst, implied sexy times (no smut tho), fluff, i think that’s it

αυтнor ɴoтeѕ: my friend helped me with this concept and i was so excited to do it! i don’t kow if this is my best work lmao but i hope y’all like it! 

_____________________________

 “What are you waiting for?” Peter asked you, facing away from you out the balcony.

You were currently about ten feet away from him with a loaded gun aiming for the center of his back. 

This moment was what you’ve been waiting for the past 6 months. You were an intern with Dr. Otto Octavius, or Doctor Octopus. You had seen the rage the doctor had towards Spiderman and now that Peter’s identity was revealed, Dr. Oc was determined to have him killed. 

He couldn’t kill a kid though, how awful the public would paint him if he did so. Mysterio’s plan to paint Peter a villain didn’t work so he had to wait until he grew up and fucked up something, anything. 

That didn’t work either. So he sent you. You trained everyday for combat and use of weaponry for this exact day. Peter, the newest owner and CEO of Stark Industries, was supposed to die. His tormenting would be over, but you just couldn’t pull the trigger.

You were his PA, so you studied him very closely. Too closely. You saw the side of him he kept away from the public, the side that would break down from the stress, the side where he laughed so hard he would tumble over. 

You started getting confused why Otto even hated Peter. He was… well, perfect. 

You learned so much from him and he was so admirable. Hardly any enemies besides middle-aged men who actually just hated Tony; him being gone meant Peter was their next target. Some days you even forgot what you were even there for in the first place. When you would meet with Otto to update him of your mission, you simply would roll your eyes at any insult or comment made about the poor guy. 

You thought back to all those times and you just couldn’t pull the fucking trigger. 

“Y/n?”

“Shut up!” you shouted.

Peter slowly turned around with his hands visible. 

“I’ve known about this day, so come on. Finish your mission,” he said.

You huffed and stomped forward jabbing your gun to his chest; your eyes bore into his. The gun was cocked, you just needed to pull the damn trigger and you be done; free of this stupid mission.

“I’m waiting,” he whispered.

“Shut up,” you mumbled. 

“You’re shaking.” 

“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” you yelled. 

“y/n,” he whispered.

You screwed your eyes shut and raised your hand still holding the gun and swung across Peter’s face in a fit. You hit him on his eyebrow and he looked up at you with slight shock. He lightly bled but thankfully he wasn’t really in pain. 

You looked at him with teary eyes and your face dropped when you saw what you did in rage. You started apologizing profusely. And the rage wasn’t towards him, you were so frustrated with yourself. Confused and anxious. Your hands trembled and Peter gently took them in his hands. 

You looked at him and sighed. He just pulled you in a firm hug. You wanted to scream and cry and just let it all out. You couldn’t understand why you were breaking down. All you had to do was pull that fucking trigger and here were falling apart as if it was the hardest thing to do. 

“Look at me, baby,” he said cupping your face.

“I have to kill you,” you whimpered.

“I know but you don’t have to and I know you don’t want to,” he said.

“He told me to,” you cried.

“I know.”

“He's gonna be so mad.”

“Y/n, you don’t have to go back to him. You can stay here with me; I’ll keep you safe. I’d never let anything hurt you.”

“Peter.”

“I’ve got you,” he whispered and pulled you in a hug.

During these six months, you and Peter had gotten particularly close. Rumors were always written about you two in gossip articles. You had to remind yourself more than once and Otto why you were there in the first place. 

Otto got mad at you after four months for taking too long since you were hired as his personal assistance. You told him there wasn’t a good time to do so and he was convinced; but you were going to galas and parties as Peter’s date.

“Why aren’t you mad at me?” you asked.

“I don’t know. I just can’t.”

“I don’t deserve this.”

“You deserve the world, Y/n.”

Peter cupped your jaw and leaned in to softly kiss your lips; something he’d been wanting to do since you got hired. First, he thought it might be unprofessional but he moved past that quickly. Then he felt like maybe you didn’t like him that way so he didn’t push. And then, well, he found out why you were really there. 

But he knew, somehow, that you were stalling. You were putting off the ‘inevitable’ when you could’ve done so months ago. He didn’t mind your company so he never called you out. He knew you were falling in love with him too. 

His lips felt velvety against your lips and you couldn’t help but melt in his arms. He spun you around so your back was against the cold railing and his strong arms caged you in. 

You gasped for air since he took your breath away, literally. He couldn’t get enough of the taste of your skin, lips tracing along the side of the neck. His hands grabbed at your waist to pull you in close to his body. 

He could taste the salty tears on your cheeks as you kissed him back. Your arms wrapped around Peter’s neck pulling him flushed against your body; chest to chest. He pulled away once more and rested his forehead against yours breathing softly. 

“I’m taking you home, princess,” Peter chuckled, scooping you in his arms as you giggled too. 

You woke up the next morning, entangled in the sheets with Peter arms around you. Your head rested on Peter’s bare chest; his skin felt hot against your cheek. You looked up at him to see his eyes still closed.

He was so pretty, sleeping carelessly. You kissed his jaw and neck inhaling his cologne he still had on from last night. Your kisses woke him up with a pleasant smile on his face. 

“Good morning, darling,” he said, moving his body to face yours more.

“Hi,” you whispered.

“How are you feeling?”

“Sore,” you giggled.

“Yeah, I might've been a little rough, sorry,” he buried his face in your neck.

“Don’t be. I enjoy last night very much,” you smiled. 

Peter looked at you and there was long silence that settled between you two. What was supposed to happen now? You were supposed to kill him last night and instead you landed on your stomach on his bed as he practically fucked brains out. Not that you minded… 

“What happens now?” you whispered.

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean.”

“Darling, I promised you that I’d keep you safe. I mean it with everything in me.”

“He’s gonna kill you himself and then he’ll kill me,” you sniffled. 

“Y/n, look at me,” he cupped your face making you look at his eyes.

“If Otto can even get within a hundred feet of you, I swear to god, I’ll kill him.”

“Promise?”

“I promise,” he chuckled; another blanket of silence.

“Did you mean what you said last night?” you spoke up after a bit.

“I did. But I understand if you don’t feel the same way. It kinda came out suddenly. I don’t mean to scare you-”

“I love you too,” you interrupted.

“Really?” 

“Yeah, I think so. All the time we spent together, I just- I couldn’t kill you because I- I love you. Please don’t be mad about that. I had no choice and I didn’t really know you the way I do now. I didn’t know the amazing guy behind the spiderman mask; but now I think he’s perfect.”

“You’re perfect,” he said against your lips before kissing you deeply. 

You wouldn’t say you regret the mission because without it you would never met Peter, seen how amazing he is; and you sure as hell don’t regret not pulling the trigger of that goddamn fucking gun. 

Peter kept his promise about keeping you safe away from Otto and away from anybody who was after Peter for whatever reason. And you couldn't be happier being with him.

[send-me-your-hcs]

Dinner is served

Based on this by @satanic-starker ♥ Hope you enjoy, friend.

Warnings: consensual somnophilia, utter and explicit filth.

There’s a text waiting for Tony when he steps off the plane: Come straight home. I’ll have dinner ready for you.

It brings a smile to his face. It’s an adorable, uncharacteristically domestic thing for Peter to text him. For starters, neither one of them can cook to save his life. But the fact that Peter is willing to try warms his heart.

He texts back, Just landed, see you soon, which gets no reply. He figures Peter is elbows-deep in some recipe far above his skill level and sufficiently working himself up over the whole thing by now.

Poor thing. He truly can be quite the perfectionist, sometimes. Tony wouldn’t change a single thing about him, but he does wish Peter was more forgiving with himself now and then. The boy can come dangerously close to stepping on his territory. Tony’s the insecure, neurotic one with a fetish for beating himself up over every little thing in this relationship, thank you very much.

It takes him an hour to get home through the dinner rush of Manhattan traffic. When he opens the door, he’s surprised - and only slightly, minutely worried - to see the lights off, the open living, dining room and kitchen empty. Everything is tinted orange from the setting sun streaming in through the floor-to-ceiling windows of their penthouse, highlighting that Peter is nowhere to be seen. “Pete? You here?”

No reply. He tries not to worry about it as he glances through every door on his way to the master bedroom. He hopes Peter hasn’t depressed himself by failing to concoct something edible; he should know by now that if culinary skills mattered that much to Tony, he wouldn’t be dating him.

Oddly though, the penthouse doesn’t smell like the kitchen’s even been used since the morning Tony left for his trip, when he mixed himself his usual get-up-and-go smoothie. Maybe Peter did actually manage to make something, but it’s a cold dish, with next to no cooking required? That’s just about the happiest scenario Tony can envision as he pushes the bedroom door open - Peter, throwing some lettuce and tomatoes in a salad bowl and calling it a day. The mental image makes him grin.

The sight of his bed makes him trip.

Ass. That’s the first thing he sees. Beautiful, soft, firm and plump all at the same time. That perfect, heart-shaped little ass, he’d know it anywhere. It’s on display for him, propped up by a thick pillow shoved under Peter’s hips. His slender legs are parted enough to reveal the baby-pink pucker between his cheeks. It makes his mouth water.

Then he sees the note, resting innocently on the sheets between Peter’s legs:

Dinner is served. ♥

All the blood in Tony’s body nose-dives for his dick.

He steps around the bed and spies Peter’s sleeping face. The boy has both arms crossed beneath his head, pillowing it. His face is turned to the side, facing Tony, lips slightly parted as he breathes softly in his sleep, his delicate lashes fanning across his cheeks. His curls, still damp from the shower, fall across his forehead and frame his youthful face. It’s a deceptively angelic sight. It should be a crime for someone to look so innocent when they’re capable of this kind of debauchery.

Well. Tony’s never been one to waste a good meal.

Gently, he kneels on the bed and positions himself comfy-cozy between Peter’s parted thighs. The boy smells like apple-scented soap and flowery shampoo. Tony braces his upper body weight on his elbows, lying on his stomach, and delicately runs both hands up the backs of Peter’s thighs. The boy hardly stirs.

He leans in. His thumbs caress the soft curves of Peter’s cheeks, pressing in and testing their plumpness. He would date Peter purely for this ass alone. The fact that the boy is sweet and brilliant and kind and beautiful are simply bonuses. The icing on a very delicious slice of cake.

Speaking of delicious. Tony wets his lips with his tongue as he spreads Peter’s ass open wider, leaning in to slot his face right in the valley between his cheeks. Peter shifts at the coarse scrape of Tony’s facial hair against his skin, mumbling softly in his sleep, but doesn’t wake.

Tony kisses him. Long, languid and slow. Kisses him right on that perfect pink hole and lets his wet lips linger on the furled skin. He takes his time - it’s impolite to rush a home-cooked meal made with love, after all. He kisses Peter’s hole and kneads the swell of his ass with his hands until saliva is smearing across his chin, his cheeks. Only when Peter is dripping wet does he finally press the tip of his tongue to his rim.

Peter arches his back off the bed like a cat when Tony presses inside.

He wants to say good morning, or make some sleazy bon appétit joke, but neither seem worth having to pull his mouth away from Peter’s delectable ass. Now that the boy’s awake, letting out a loud, confused groan that sounds distinctly like, “Hnnwuaah?” Tony throws caution to the wind and presses in as close as he can get, pillaging with his tongue. Peter’s hips instinctively jerk away, but Tony grabs him tightly, hands wrapping around the sharp juts of his hip bones, and rocks him back onto his tongue like a fleshlight.

“Haa - hhaaah,” Peter pants, squirming and bouncing his hips against the pillow beneath him, so adorably eager to ride Tony’s face. “Tony, Tony - ohh, fuck - ”

Smiling, Tony drags his tongue up the seam of Peter’s ass and back down, momentarily laving it over the underside of his balls, before licking back up to his hole and diving in. He pulls back, spits on the quivering, glistening rim, then fucks his tongue back inside. Peter moans wetly underneath him, his poor hole no longer pastel pink, but red, wet and puffy from the constant assault.

“Tony - ” he gasps, calves knocking against Tony’s shoulders as he bucks his hips, “Oh God, fuck, I’m gonna cum - ”

Invigorated, Tony buries his face hard between Peter’s cheeks and curls his tongue inside of him, lapping and pressing against his inner walls in all the little places he knows drive Peter crazy. Peter whines like he’s in pain when he cums, ass rocking desperately against Tony’s face as he arches his back, covering Tony’s expensive pillowcase in sticky ropes of hot, white jizz.

Tony keeps eating him out until Peter’s finished riding out his orgasm. When he pulls back, the poor boy has pinkish streaks on the skin of his cheeks where Tony’s beard has rubbed him raw. His hole convulses as it tries to find Tony’s tongue, ever hungry and seeking to be filled. Too bad it never got the memo that Tony’s the one being fed here.

He kisses Peter’s left ass cheek, then the small of his back, then rolls him over so he can see that flushed, panting little face. Peter gives him a dopey, sexy-happy smile and a dorky little wave, still trying to catch his breath. Tony smiles back, leans down and kisses his hip, then spies the streaks of cum coating Peter’s groin, abdomen and thighs.

“I take it this is dessert?” he asks, and cuts off Peter’s sleepy laugh by licking away a stripe of cum and making him moan.

[thebibliomancer]

Essential Avengers: Avengers #236: “I Want to Be an Avenger!”

October, 1983

Spider-Man -- An Avenger -- ?

Y’know, march of time and all that but this doesn’t seem as surprising as it once did.

Not much to say about this cover. It doesn’t have a lot to say about the issue other than ‘SPIDER-MAN INSIDE’ but boy does it say it.

But, oh, the logo changed and its snazzy! I quite like it!

So recent going-onses for the Avengers. Thor and Iron Man quit the team for personal business. Hawkeye broke his leg and is on medical forced-to-leave. Scarlet Witch and Vision were called in as reservists and Vision immediately got damaged by a crossover and has been in a robot-coma ever since. Starfox joined the team.

But in more positive news, they totally kicked the Wizard’s ass last issue and it cheered everyone up.

So the issue starts on a lazy summer day.

Scarlet Witch is on monitor duty, scanning for any ‘this looks like a job for the Avengers’ type calls. And multi-tasking by also thinking of her tubed husband.

Captain America takes his turn standing watch over the comatose synthezoid.

And for some reason, Cap leaning on the tube like that cracks me up.

Starfox spends his downtime trying to hit on Wasp.

His pickup line is so bad.

Wasp finds it charming in its misapprehension although it could also be the sexy beams Starfox emits from his brain.

And She-Hulk is taking a bath in a large barrel in the Avengers’ rec center, which they have. Maybe its the super hot bath?

She(-Hulk)’s also multi-tasking by looking up apartment listings while she soaks but finds that everything on the NY listings is either too small or too ritzy.

It be like that sometimes.

Jarvis comes into the rec center barrel bath area with iced tea for She-Hulk, trying to politely avert his eyes. But the intruder alarm goes off and she(-Hulk) tells Jarvis to hand her a towel and runs off to his flusterment.

Between Tigra and She-Hulk, I think poor Jarvis is getting overwhelmed with rad ladies on the Avengers.

The Avengers assemble in the main foyer and found that someone just barged in the front door and disabled the security tentacles with some sort of odd, artificial webbing.

Who could it be?

Who could possibly break into Avengers Mansion under the mistaken impression that its actually a cool way to impress them while asking for a job, showing that he’s learned nothing in years?

Could it be the person who expressed interest in joining in the previous issue? And who is also on the cover of this issue??

Yes.

Honestly, though, what an amazing splash page!

Also, spectacular and no-adjective.

Spider-Man knows how to make an impression.

Not a good one, certainly. But the Avengers aren’t going to forget the time he was casually chilling above the dining table.

And Pete isn’t going to forget it either. He’s going to wake up in a cold sweat years later still mortified at himself.

I also love it when the title of the issue is something someone said but since it has to be emphasized to make it clear its the title, they suddenly start yelling in the middle of a conversation.

She-Hulk has no patience for Spider-Man’s nonsense and grabs him off his web hammock to yell at him for barging in.

Spider-Man: “Well, I’m not exactly uninvited! Your buddy Thor asked me to join the club just a few months ago. Sure, I’m a little slow in replying, but I’ve had a busy season!”

And then he snarks about She-Hulk just wearing a towel because Spider-Man loves low hanging fruit.

SURELY, Spidey knows that offers usually expire, right? A few months ago is forever in comic time and Thor himself isn’t even on the Avengers right now.

I guess, in fairness, he has his reasons.

Besides his usual perpetual poverty liking the sound of a thousand bucks a week.

As he later muses to himself, Black Cat has been hospitalized because she tried to help him and he feels obligated to pay for her not-cheap medical bills. And he’s already quit grad school to spend more time earning but his freelance paychecks are nothing compared to an Avengers salary.

He’s being an incredibly presumptuous dick... but for a good cause.

And its just like Spidey that he has a good reason for being a jerk that he’d never mention leaving everyone to think he’s just a rude goofus.

What a shame.

Anyway, back at the present, Spider-Man asks where he enlists but Cap tells them that unfortunately their roster is full up. The sixth spot is being held open for Hawkeye when his leg stops being broken (and you think he was moany about being sidelined while his leg was broken, imagine him learning that he was replaced, eesh).

Cap does suggest that Spider-Man could join Starfox in the trainee program but Spidey throws a fit.

Spider-Man: “Trainee program?!? Hey, I’m Spider-Man, remember? I was sticking to walls when you guys were still looking for a clubhouse. I’m no green rookie!”

Starfox: “Green -- ? I take offense at your tone, Spider-Man!”

She-Hulk: “There’s nothing wrong with being green.”

Pffft.

As an actual rookie who is physically green, She-Hulk doesn’t care for that phrase, maybe.

She-Hulk and Starfox possibly beating up or more likely being embarrassed by Spider “will punk the entire X-Men in the not too distant future” Man is interrupted by a priority alert that goes ARROOOOOOOO

... Is it the Nixon alarm?

Why haven’t the Avengers fought Nixon’s head on a war mech yet??

Spider-Man offers to give them a hand if their priorities are being alerted but with this particular alarm, Wasp decides its best if they stick to the rules.

And then She-Hulk chases Spidey out by throwing a chair at him.

Spider-Man: Well, that was certainly a wash-out! Maybe I shouldn’t have come on as such a wise guy... Maybe I should have come to the door all humble and contrite. Nah, they wouldn’t have believed it was me!

.... Hah.

But he sees the third-floor of Avenger’s mansion opening up to launch the Quinjet and fount of good decision making that he is, he decides to jump onto the Quinjet as it launches.

Spider-Man: Whew! This baby is really starting to pick up speed! I feel like I’m in a wind tunnel. My sticky fingers can hold onto just about anything under normal circumstances... boy, I wish these were normal circumstances! I wonder if this was such a good idea.

No, Pete, it wasn’t.

But your inner monologues do add a bit more joy to this issue so I forgive you.

Inside the Quinjet, She-Hulk notes that the controls handled a bit sluggish right after take-off but eh whatever the problem disappeared after they went supersonic.

Huh. I wonder if Pete is ok.

Anyway, Captain America, She-Hulk, and Starfox are headed towards Project Pegasus.

Since it hasn’t come up in Avengers yet, Project Pegasus is a government research facility that seeks out new types and sources of energy. And Cap helped organize their security force back in Marvel Two-in-One #42.

The priority alert wasn’t the highest priority. Just a code-five, indicating a low-grade emergency. But it didn’t come with any details so Cap is vexed.

Three Avengers should be enough for a code-five but problems at Project Pegasus tend to balloon into worse problems.

You wouldn’t think a research facility would attract so much negative attention but as Cap points out, there’s a lot of people who have a vested interested in making sure energy stays scarce, expensive, and presumably non-renewable.

And considering that the oil companies like Roxxon are EVEN MORE BLATANTLY EVIL in the Marvel U, yeah, uh, bad shit is going to occur.

Also, Project Pegasus doubles as a place to jail supervillains so their powers can be studied.

So, yeah, Pegasus having a priority alert probably means a headache.

So these three Avengers are going in but Wasp and Scarlet Witch are on stand-by just in case.

The visit to the super secure research station goes off to a bad start when guards rush the Quinjet when it lands because a foreign object was detected on the undercarriage.

Of course it’s Spider-Man.

But before he can be arrested for breaking into a secure facility, his spider-sense buzzed.

It’d be a bit confusing if it wasn’t buzzing before though. He has a bunch of rattled guards pointing guns at him right after some unexplained emergency has happened.

That doesn’t set off the Peter Tingle at all??

Anyway, since the buzz is pretty intense, he figures that its warning him of something “a lot more dangerous than the lecture Cap’s going to give me!”

Hah!

He doesn’t manage to warn anyone before a tremor knocks (almost) everyone off their feet with a THROOM

Spider-Man is still standing because he loves Elton John forewarned is forewarned and he can stick to things. And to his surprise, Cap manages to stay on his feet.

Cap: “It’s just a matter of knowing how to react and how to brace yourself, Spider-Man.”

Hah!

That’s So Cap.

Spider-Man asks if he realio trulio can’t give Cap a hand with this situation. Y’know, since his spider-sense probably will come in handy. Cap isn’t sure because of the question of security but Spider-Man has an idea there.

See, he’s been here before!

In Marvel Team-Up Annual #5 he helped save the dang place! They can ask chief of security Wendell Vaughn (who is also known as Quasar but probably not to all the people in this scene?).

Unfortunately, Vaughn quit a couple months back. Oops.

But since Cap vouches for him the guard driving them to the lower levels is like ‘eh whatever.’

The power of a Cap vouch is not to be underestimate and never to be used for evil.

They’re headed to the thermal research dome because its the last known location of new security chief O’Brien. And where he sent the alert from. AND where the recent quake came from.

That’s good multitasking.

They reach the blast doors sealing off the entire level.

Because yes, not only did O’Brien send an alert, he also sealed off the entire level and now something’s jammed the lock.

They have no idea what could be locked behind there but they do have a Spider-Man and Starfox asks him if he’s getting a bad feeling about anything.

Spider-Man isn’t getting any bad vibes, deeming it safe to go inside.

Y’know, this is an amazing way to use Spider-Sense that they could do more with. I always love it when Spidey basically exploits the sense for things other than combat dodging.

Like when trying to figure out how to turn off a device he didn’t understand in Avengers EMH, he just went around almost yanking wires until he found one that didn’t set off the ‘OH MY GOD YOU’LL DEFINITELY EXPLODE IF YOU DO THAT’ buzz.

Anyway, it being probably safe, Cap tells She-Hulk and Starfox to open the door.

Which they do, with gusto.

And a GRU-U-UNNG

Inside the ruins of the thermal research dome, a bunch of semi-conscious technicians lie about in heaps.

Some Project Pegasus security personnel fan out to do administer first aid while the Avengers look for O’Brien.

Makes sense. The nameless extras help the nameless extras so we don’t go ‘hey are the Avengers dicks for only talking to people with names?’

O’Brien is pinned under an arc of steaming rock which Cap starts chipping in half with his shield while She-Hulk, Spider-Man, and Starfox - all people who could lift that rock - just stand and watch.

Or heck, maybe its not supposed to be a random rock arc. Maybe its attached to the floor. Still though, She-Hulk, Spider-Man, and Starfox could probably break it more easily than Cap does.

Teamwork makes the dream work, guys and She-Hulk.

Spider-Man recognizes O’Brien’s green and also green Not-Iron Man armor from newspapers and realizes that he’s the Guardsman.

That just makes O’Brien sad.

Guardsman: “Aye, I am... or I was. The state this armor’s in, no one’ll ever be callin’ himself the Guardsman again! As of now, I’m just plain Michael O’Brien.”

The Michael Formerly Known as Guardsman starts to Explain It All.

He had come down to the thermal dome to watch the thermal dome researchers sink a new magma tap.

But molten rock came shooting up from the tap hole, which is a thing that’s definitely not supposed to happen.

Oh, and some molten men (but not Molten Man) climbed out of the hole and started trashing the joint.

Plain Michael O’Brien realized pretty quickly that he was the only one who could stand up to these hot men so he signaled for help, hit the evacuation alarm, and sealed off the level from the rest of the project so the problem was contained.

And then he got mobbed by the hot men and got his ass kicked. Turns out that his armor was pretty useless against lava men.

Oh, yeah, Cap recognizes them as lava men from his description.

Spider-Man: “Lava men? You have to be kidding, Cap! Lava men? I don’t believe in lava men!”

Cap: “Belay that, mister! I’ve been up against lava men -- and they’re nothing to joke about! You’d better thank your stars that they left -- !”

You might also remember that Cap has been up against lava men allllllll the way back in Avengers #5. Technically the first adventure he had with the Avengers after officially joining them.

It was also the issue where Thor stoically sank into lava without changing his expression from his default vaguely annoyed one.

Anyway, O’Brien tells the Avengers that the lava men battered their way into the maintenance section since they couldn’t escape to the rest of the facility.

It’s a real good news bad news situation because there’s no one for them to hurt in there and also its a straight shot into the nuclear research dome.

And we don’t want any kind of meltdown there.

Cap decides that this looks like a job for AVENGERS to ASSEMBLE towards. And more than the three plus special guest star they already have.

MEANWHILE, over in New Orleans at an important meeting that definitely would be bad to interrupt, Monica Rambeau (secretly the Avenger known as Captain Marvel but not the dead guy version, true believers) is applying for a small business loan.

And then she gets a bzzt on her radio watch for an Avengers emergency.

Oh no, what of her small business loan!

And also: what small business is she starting? I think I heard at one point that she ran a fishing business with her father?

But what of her small business loan!

Well, Monica agrees with her bank guy Mr. Hillbee that its an alarm watch and that its reminding her of another pressing engagement so hey is there a lot more that they have to do here?

Luckily, all that’s left is for her to sign the documents.

Phew, I’m very used to superhero stuff interrupting a superhero’s civilian life and then them angsting about it. It’s actually a relief that Monica was able to finish up at the bank before dashing off to a phone booth to take a radio watch call with Scarlet Witch.

Wanda tells Monica that they just received a call from Cap(tain America) telling them to get to Project Pegasus. Wanda tells Monica that they’re in transit now and asks if she can join them.

And then the line goes dead before Wanda can give coordinates.

Because Monica just followed the radio signal back to the Quinjet.

She apologizes that it took her so long (!!) because she had to stop at home first to pick up her costume.

Wanda marvels captainly “And I thought my brother, Pietro, was fast!”

Ha ha amazing.

I love Captain Monica Marvel’s ridiculous powerset.

She’s even talking right into their radio so she can communicate from outside the Quinjet.

Wasp, Scarlet Witch, and Captain Marvel arrive at Project Pegasus where they’re briefed of the lava men situation by some of the security staff.

Captain Marvel nyooms ahead lightspeed dash style while Wasp and Scarlet Witch lag behind by taking a high-speed railcar.

Dang, Project Pegasus is big.

I just flipped ahead pages to see how long it takes Captain Marvel to join Cap(tain America)’s group and its a bit.

I guess maybe there’s some overlapped time going on though.

Meanwhile, two technicians in research dome D-2 (called the Compound for some dang reason) ignore all the various alarms and such that have been happening because they’re super into their project. And are possibly mad scientists.

They have the intensity.

But they’re working on... Dr. Croit’s stabilizer? And apparently its vibratory pitch was changed by the tremor that happened? Unbeknowst to them, Captain Marvel just nyoomed by outside and the proximity of her energy form activates the device and the silhouette of some guy leaps out proclaiming FREE!!

Back at the Avengers side of the plot, Cap(tain America)’s group has encountered some lava men.

Spider-Man: “Hey, Cap... I take it all back! I do believe in lava men! I really do!”

Hah.

The lava men are between the Avengers and the nuclear dome so Cap starts thinking of ways to flank them so they can keep them away from it.

She-Hulk starts trying to plow a hole through their forces and... uh.... ok. Cap has Starfox just fly around and annoy the lava men because they’ve never seen a flying man before and its just freaking them out.

Really.

Cap asks Spider-Man to use his webbing to throw up some barriers in the lava men’s path.

Spider-Man: “Heck, I can do better than that, Cappy! Just a couple spritzes of webbing, and these little hotheads won’t be going anywhere for hours!”

Cap: “No, you young fool! Don’t you see what you’ve done!”

Throwing web on the lava men makes them panic because it seems like there’s a lot of stuff that they’re not familiar with and all of it alarms them. When they’re alarmed, their body temperature raises and can get up thousands of degrees.

So they just melt loose of the webbing and now they’ve learned not to be afraid of the webbing at all and they can’t use it to corral them.

Spider-Man: “Would it help if I said I’m sorry?”

Cap: “It would help if you’d follow orders! The Avengers is a team! If you want to be part of the team, act like it! Otherwise, stay out of our way!”

Yeahhhhh. I mean, most of the time. You have your fair share of idiots doing their own thing in the Avengers because all of these guys have egos you wouldn’t believe. But generally they can agree to work as a team.

And Spider-Man, of this era, isn’t much of a team player. Not like Wolverine or Batman ‘i work best alone, bub’ type of not a team player where they’re lying about not being good at teamwork because they like being surly and dour because they think it makes them more interesting. But Spider-Man mostly works alone and is used to just doing whatever he thinks the best idea is. And he has the proportionate speed and reflexes of a spider so he can do whatever he thinks the best idea is way before you can tell him its a bad idea.

That’s why Spider-Man makes so many bad decisions, because he can make them faster than good sense can catch up [citation needed].

Anyway, as he is NOW, he’s not a good fit for the Avengers.

Then again, neither was Hawkeye and they let him join. Makes ya think.

Back over at surprise man out of a box lab, the surprise man was Blackout.

He looks like he’d be an electricity themed villain but apparently his element is darkness. Annd he debuted in Nova annnd this is his second appearance?

At the end of his debut story Nova #19, Blackout was apparently sucked into the Darkforce dimension, a fate that Dr. Croit’s stabilizer had been invented to prevent.

So I guesss.... the stabilizer’s settings were altered by an earthquake and then it was powered by ambient energy from Captain Marvel zipping past and it managed to stabilize Blackout, yanking him free of the Darkforce dimension?

I guess??

As far as villain returns go, its not the most ridiculous but it is a bit contrived.

Blackout has no idea where he is and rants about how he’ll level the place if that’s what it takes to find his way out and in a more acceptable contrivance, he happens to be passing Moonstone’s cell when he says this out loud to nobody in particular and she likes the cut of his jib.

Moonstone: “Sounds like you’re a man after my own heart!”

Moonstone tells Blackout that she’s been locked up here so Project Pegasus could study her powers and that they want to use her the way they would have used Blackout but hey what if they join forces and get some comeuppance.

Blackout: I don’t know if I should trust her... But something about her voice is so reassuring.

Yeah, that’s what we call a red flag, you dingus.

Are we back to the days where some dudes will just villain because a lady bats her eyes?

Anyway, the locking mechanism is too complicated to figure out so Blackout just squeezes it until it explodes.

Um. Okay.

-checks wiki-

The wiki says he’s only supposed to have normal human strength but Blackout himself claims that his body is a living generator of black star energies.

Which apparently means he can squeeze an electronic lock to death. I dunno.

Freed from her cell, Moonstone leads Blackout to what they can do next.

Meanwhile, the Avengers are still struggling with the lava men two levels below. And the fracas has reached the corridor to the nuclear dome. Its now or never but the numbers are too overwhelming even for She-Hulk.

Spider-Man manages to leap above the fray and get forgotten in the confusion but doesn’t find that he can do much. He tries webbing the door to the nuclear dome shut but the lava men don’t even bother opening it when they can melt through.

Hmmmmm not a good showing for a guest starring so far...

When the lava men succeed in melting through the door, a blinding light shines through and the lava men kneel down and start bowing to it.

Ohhhhhh, I get it! They’re not trying to cause a meltdown! They just want to worship nuclear light!

... No? I don’t got it? Okay.

The bright light is actually Captain Marvel who took a shortcut to the nuclear dome to reach the Avengers.

And the lava men are really enamored with her, proclaiming her the lady of light foretold in legends.

Captain Marvel just kinda rolls with this and asks them whats the deal with all the rampaging and destroying.

Lava man: “We did but strike back, radiant one! Our village, deep beneath the Earth, knew peace -- until the surface men bored into our midst with their machines. We could not allow this attack to go unanswered. We only used our powers to stop the invasion!”

Wait, isn’t this the plot of the Jetsons movie?

Cap(tain America) smoothly slides in, diplomatically, to announce that then the surface people beg forgiveness and that this has all been an unfortunate misunderstanding that he pledges shall be put right.

And like how Cap’s clout got Spider-Man into this story, Cap borrows Captain Marvel’s clout to back up his diplomacy roll, saying “The Lady-of-Light will tell you that I speak the truth!”

It’s a good thing that Monica wouldn’t go mad with power.

Also, Scarlet Witch and Wasp show up, while Spider-Man snarks that they “missed the end of the movie.”

But since we can’t have pat resolutions given the subplot that was happening while the Avengers were distracted elsewhere, in the Compound, it turns out that Blackout and Moonstone have freed Electro and Rhino. And Moonstone has a Big Evil Plan.

Blackout: “Pay them back? Yes... yes, we must. But how?”

Moonstone: “In the best way possible! We’re going to bring this place to its knees -- by seizing the nuclear research dome!”

But that’s where the Avengers are! Silly villains, you’ve double booked!

Also, I wonder if the universe cosmically influenced Moonstone to get two Spider-villains involved on the one day that Spider-Man was tagging along.

I also wonder what Moonstone is thinking. She’s the ‘know when to fold ‘em’ villain.

Hmmm... Putting Electro and Blackout side by side makes Blackout look like Electro’s grumpy younger brother.

All kinds of good decisions have been made!

Follow @essential-avengers​ for more thoughts on villain couture. Also like and reblog so I can feel like I did a good job.

[ambivalent-anarchy]

Too Cheesy

Gender: Female

Pairing: Peter Parker x reader

Warnings: Sickening fluff and insanely cheesy pick up lines.

Summary- Ned agrees to stay at Peter's house and help him find the perfect pickup line to ask out his crush with before spring break. But what happens when his crush tags along and also wants to help? ---------------------------------------

"Nah Peter, too corny."

Peter Parker was standing in the middle of his room, his best friend Ned sitting on his bed, cradling their death star in his hands. Peter scrolled down the screen of his phone. "Okay, how about this one?" After reading, Peter looked to the wall and gave a smug smirk, as if he were actually looking at someone. "Hey [Y/N]... are you religious? 'Cause you’re the answer to all my prayers."

Ned cocked his head to the side. "Is she religious?"

"I dunno, I never really asked before," Peter answered, breaking out of his assumed position.

Ned scrunched his nose a bit. "Well, we probably should stay off of religious pick-up lines then."

"Right," Peter agreed, looking back to his phone again. He scrolled a bit more. When satisfied, he looked up at the wall again, raised his eyebrows with an award winning smile before he recited another.

"Life without you would be like a broken pencil… pointless."

"Wow..," Ned said. He pointed and nodded slowly. "I think that's a keeper. Try it again just to make sure though. Oh- and this time, make it more personal."

"Okay," Peter said, going back over the line in his head. He assumed the position and instead of a smug, gave a small smolder.

"Wait," Ned interrupted. "Does this one even make sense? I mean- a pencil still has a point even when it's broken, right? Unless, of course, it's the bottom half, but that would only work if it's a clean break. A-and-"

Suddenly, realizing how completely ridiculous he must look, Peter grimaced. "Ned, why're we doing this again?!"

Ned rolled his eyes. "C'mon Pete. It's because pickup lines always work!"

"A-are you sure? Cuz that doesn't sound right."

"Dude, I'm telling you," Ned defended. "I saw Flash walk right up to Sydney and gave her the perfect pickup line and he immediately got a date! Flash of all people! If he can, you certainly can!"

Peter rolled his eyes. Ned was seriously comparing him to Flash? There were tons of reasons as to how Flash got with Sydney. "But Flash is popular and rich and stuff... I'm just me."

Ned scoffed. "Well..." He looked up with a carefree smile. "If it makes you feel any better, if I were a girl, I'd totally date you."

"..thanks..." Peter said, suddenly feeling incredibly awkward. He looked around the room with a nervous chuckle. Ned, apparently not realizing the awkwardness in the room, hasn't looked away and continued to smile at his friend.

Finding his voice, Peter spoke up. "So, um, what was Flash's line anyway?"

"Uh-uh man," Ned answered. "You gotta find your own! Sydney probably already told the whole school, so you'd just be a copycat. Your line needs to be original."

Peter raised his eyebrows. "We're literally looking this stuff up from the internet, Ned! That's not original!"

"Just trust me. Now read another."

"Okay..." Peter begrudgingly agreed. He was regretting this whole thing more and more each second. He took a deep breath and recited his next one.

"[Y/N], my love for you is like dividing by zero– it can't be defined."

He looked to Ned, who was silently contemplating the words.

"...I kinda like it," Ned finally said.

"I don't know," the scrawny teenager sighed, throwing his phone onto his bed. "It needs to be really good! Not mediocre. Tomorrow is my only chance to tell [Y/N] how I feel before spring break starts. I can't back out!"

"Pete, relax. We'll just add it to the list. Now do another-"

"Peter!!! [Y/N]'s here!!!"

The two teenagers froze. Their eyes widened at his aunt May's voice. They looked to the door, then to each other.

"What is she doing here?!?!," Peter whisper-shouted, two seconds from panicking.

"It's your apartment, you tell me!," Ned whispered back, arms flailing wildly.

"She can't be here!," he yelled to himself, pointing towards the door you could be walking through any second now. "She can NOT be here!"

The two quietly went back and forth as you came closer to his room. Normally, you were always more than welcome. But today, unbeknownst to you, Peter's home was probably the one place you definitely shouldn't be.

You poked your head around the doorframe. "Heyyyy fellas!"

They froze, looking to you with their mouths zipped shut. "Why so tense?," you asked, a small smile playing on your lips.

"No reason!," Peter yelled.

"Hey [Y/N]." Ned gave a wide smile.

You return it with a wider smile that certainly betrayed the rest of your face, that held only confusion. "Uh, what's going on, guys??"

They looked to each other, then to you, then to each other again. Ned broke away first this time. "Peter's trying to find a pick-up line to tell his crush was tomorrow!," he spat out quickly, earning an excited gasp from you.

Peter's jaw stopped to the floor. If he were a computer, he would've definitely been crashing right now. "What the hell, Ned?!," he practically screamed, his voice cracking a bit before he covered his face with his hands.

"So, whose the girl?," you asked, pushing through them and climbing onto the top bunk to sit.

"Uh-"

"DON'T. SAY. ANYTHING!," Peter hissed out through gritted teeth.

It didn't take you too long to realize the tension in the room. "Uh, should I come back another time or something?"

"That would be ideal," Peter mumbled under his breath.

Your eyebrows scrunched together in annoyance. Why were they being so weird and vague?

"Okay, did I do something? Is that why you're acting so weird, Pete? I mean, I was gonna try to help you out so you won't make a complete fool of yourself in front of this girl, but-"

Ned dropped the death star as he excitedly clapped his hands together. "That'd be perfect, actually!!"

Both you and Peter groaned as you looked at the peices on the floor. "Ned!"

"At this point that thing needs to stay at my house cuz when it's at either of yours it always breaks!," you laughed.

"Umm..." Peter looked away and took a deep breath. "[Y/N]?"

At this point, he had no idea nor any control over what was going on and the only words processing in his mind were what the fuck.

His crush was not supposed to be here while he was practicing what to say to his crush tomorrow.

"Yeah, Pete?"

But you were here now, and you didn't seem to be leaving anytime soon.

So what's the worse that could happen?

"C-could you maybe, um, help me with this?"

"With your girl problems? Sure. I mean, if we leave it your hands, the poor girl won't even know what hits her."

Ned bit his lip, attempting (and failing) to hide a fit of laughter. "She sure won't!"

"Dude!," Peter hissed, nudging his shoulder.

"So what've you got so far?," you said, watching Peter expectantly.

"Uhh.." He blew out a heavy breath. Welp, he thought. Guess we're doing this now. He picked up his phone and awkwardly read off the line.

"My love for you is like dividing by zero– it can't be defined.."

He looked back up at you, frozen as statue. That was so embarrassing. You smiled and giggled a little. "That was so cheesy!"

"Oh..," Peter mumbled. He'd actually thought that one was pretty good.

"That's only because he's not doing it like he did a second ago," Ned, ever the oblivious one, noted. "C'mon! Do it the way you did it before [Y/N] came in here."

If looks could kill, Ned would surely have been maimed and then ran over a bus by now.

Peter sighed. He looked up to the wall right above where [Y/N] was sitting and gave his best smolder.

But before he could get a word out, laughter erupted the room. "PETE WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?!," [Y/N] shrieked, practically falling off the the top bunk of the bed with laughter. "Girls' want a genuine smile, not some James Bond wannabe look!"

"Y-you don't think it looks cool?," he asked, cheeks red as beets by now.

"Frickin' goofy is what that looks like!," she responded. "Gimme your phone."

Peter's face fell. Wow, he thought. I'm way off. No way I'm gonna get her now, except...He looked to Ned, who was practically just spectating the whole thing at this point. Their eyes joined, and they could both tell they'd come to the same conclusion.

What better way to find out exactly what to say than by finding out by who you're going to say it to?

[Y/N] scrolled down a few until she found one that she liked. "Ooh, this one's pretty good." She looked up from the phone. "Now, watch me and I'll show you how it's done." She hopped down from the bed and said the line straight to Peter's face, biting her lip and smirking.

"Hey you, apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?"

Immediately afterwards, she broke out of it. "See?," she asked. "That's how it's done." [Y/N] tossed the phone back into Peter's hands before sitting back down. "Now do that."

Peter sucked in a quick breath, lightly tugging the bottom of his gray shirt. "U-uh, um, yeah okay.."

That was hot, was all he could really think at the moment. She's so frickin hot.

Scatterbrained, he stood and looked back at you. "U-uh.. -oh, here's one..." He shook his head slightly, as if attempting to shake the jitters out. "A-are you a cam-mera? C-cuz.. you sure do make me sm-mile," he stammered, ending with beyond awkward fingers guns.

[Y/N] chuckled, biting back a small smile. "Ya know, you're just too cute sometimes..."

At that, Ned's jaw fell to the floor. Peter's face turned a shade of red you didn't believe was even possible.

"Uh, u-um, ah, heh, thanks..."

"Hey yo, my mom's texting me," Ned suddenly announced. "I gotta get home. See you two tomorrow." He smiled at [Y/N] and then looked Peter square in the face with a shit-eating grin. "And good luck Pete!," he said, earning a middle finger from his best friend.

After the door closed, [Y/N] frowned. "What's up with you two? Are you guys fighting?"

"Nah, Ned's just being..." Peter trailed off, shaking his head slightly. If he were to elaborate, he could risk telling you. Better to play it safe. "So was that one good?"

"I mean, it'd be nice if you could g-g-g-get it out!," you mocked with a smile.

"No stuttering then," he concluded to himself. "Stuttering's a turn off."

"Well, not exactly," you corrected. "I actually think it's kinda cute when you do it." Noticing his intense blushing, you grabbed his hands to give comfort. "Just relax. No stuttering. And keep eye contact. Got it, Pete?"

His cheeks reddened as he looked away, desperately trying to redirect his focus from your turned up lips. "Oh, u-uh um, thanks! That's great, ya know! L-lets, ah, just get back to the th-thing- uh, the line..."

And so you did. You helped him til eleven o'clock at night. You went over about fifty. Until there was no way he couldn't have a perfect one to show the girl.

Until the next morning.

Spoiler alert: he didn't find a line.

When you left the indecisive teenager, he'd looked like he was on the right path. He had an entire list of good choices you'd picked out with him, along with practiced ways to do each one.

But, when he woke up and looked back at the list, each one just felt wrong.

Cheesy.

Overused.

Corny.

Lame.

You wouldn't like it. You'd already heard it. It wouldn't feel special to you if he'd told you something you'd already picked out for yourself, even if you didn't know you had.

You'd reject him. And more? Because you were a nice person, you'd probably still want to be friends.

Which was definitely way, way worse.

"Peter!," May yelled. "Engine's being turned on in five! Be there or you'll have to swing to school!"

-

Perer told you he'd tell his crush the line by the lockers during homeroom.

You couldn't wait. 'This is gonna be so awesome,' you thought, scanning the halls for his curly brown hair and wrinkled jacket.

'Of course, this girl better be worth his time or I'm gonna frickin' tackle her....'

The night before, Peter had told you nearly everything about this mystery girl.

He gushed about how she was perfect. Beautiful. Everything he ever wanted.

And you felt happy for him.

But deep inside, you knew that whoever the girl he'd chosen was, you wouldn't approve. Because deep down, you wished that it would be you.

But you and Peter were friends. Since the sixth grade. If anything was ever gonna happen, it surely already would've.

And It wasn't gonna happen...

And when this girl said yes (it's Peter Parker, why wouldn't you?), you'd have to watch them hug, kiss, give inside jokes, and everything else couples did.

And because he was your best friend, you'd have to just sit there and be happy for him.

"Miss. [Y/L/N]. Come on, get to class!," your homeroom teacher yelled, standing by the door, holding it open for you to walk into the classroom.

"Must be late again...," you mumbled, looking around the halls for Peter one last time before making your way to the door.

"[Y/N]!"

You whipped your head to where the voice was coming from. It was Ned, running down the hallway.

"Yeah?"

"He's gonna do it!," he yelled. "He's about to ask!"

You turned towards your teacher. "Um, can I go to the restroom please?"

"Yeah sure," the teacher replied.

Once the door closed, you ran to meet Ned in the middle of the hall. "Ask? Wait, on a date or to actually be his girlfriend?"

"TO BE HIS GIIIIRRRRRRLLLLLLLFRIEND!!," he yelled, shaking you by your shoulders back and forth frantically.

'Wow,' you thought, eyes wide. 'Peter's actually getting some balls now.'

This was it. And you were gonna hold your tongue and watch it happen.

Ned looked over your shoulder as he practically gasped for air. "He's coming! He's coming!"

You pulled his arm a bit, attempting to pull him to towards the wall. "Don't we need to hide? They don't need an audience!"

Suddenly, using his strength against you, Ned turned you around quickly for you to come face to face with Peter.

"Where's the girl?," you said, looking around curiously. After you were met with silence, your curious smile went away. "Pete, where is she? Where's she at?"

"I-it's...um, [Y/N] it's always been-heh. It's you," he answered, looking into your eyes shyly.

Ned could've bursts from joy right then and there. You could feel his grip on your arms tighten out of excitement.

But you didn't care, because you were sky high yourself. "So all that, yesterday? That was all about-"

"Yeah. You."

You sighed, practically frozen. "Major fucking plot twist, dude.."

He tilted his head. "'Saw' level?"

"More like 'Shutter Island' level," you answered.

"Ooh, that was a big one," Ned added brightly.

You shifted slightly. "So, um, what was the line you chose?"

"Oh!," Peter laughed. "How could I forget? Uh-" He grabbed your hands gently. "Okay." Hey blew out a long breath. "Relaxing. No stuttering. And keeping eye contact," he reminded himself aloud before he slowly and tenderly recited the line he'd chosen.

"[Y/N], ahem, um, If I had a penny for every time I thought about you, I'd have exactly one cent.."

You frowned. "Hold on, I don't get it. That means-"

"-Because you never leave my mind, sweetheart."

Raising your eyebrows, your heart warmed and you covered your hand over your mouth. That was one you hadn't chosen. You'd never even heard it before. He'd found it himself.

Noticing your reaction, Peter tensed. "W-was that too much? I'm sorry if that was too much! The last thing I would want for it to be is too-"

"That was perfect, Peter."

He paused. "It wasn't too cheesy?"

"Just a little cheesy," you said, pinching your fingers together and giving a quick wink.

"On a scale of one to ten?," Ned asked.

"Ned!," Peter scolded, quickly sliding his finger over his neck as a warning. He then looked back to you with a timid smirk.

"So, ah, does this mean you'll be my girlfriend?"

"Hmm, I guess it does, huh?," you giggled and turned to walk away just as the bell rang for first period.

-

"Sooooo, how'd it go?," May asked, poking her head around the doorframe of Peter's room.

When Peter turned towards her from his bed, May knew the answer before he even uttered a word.

He was staring up at ceiling twiddling his fingers and grinning like a madman.

"She said yes, May..I-i didn't think she'd actually say yes!"

May smiled. "Well, that's good!"

"Our first date's tomorrow and- Oh God! I might need to find another line to tell her! I'll use the math one this time since she was so excited about acing that test earlier today. Oh my gosh what if- what if we kiss?! That'd be SO awesome! Right, May? Ooh man, what am I gonna wear?? Ned said to wear a tux. But it's just a movie date, not prom! Jeans and a t-shirt should work, right? What if I get there and I'm underdressed?! Why is this stuff so hard?!"

Aunt May watched as the young boy frantically vented to himself and shook her head. "God bless him..."

She looked down at his desk in the corner of his room. On it was a small journal. It was opened to a page labelled 'Pickup Lines To Tell [Y/N]'

Underneath it were lines separated into sections based on 'coolness,' 'nerdiness,' and 'sexiness.'

May furrowed her eyebrows. "Hon, you know pick-up lines never work, right?

"Well May," Peter sighed, leaning back into his bed. "There's a special girl out there that would beg to differ.."

[sailingintothenight]

“WANNABE.” T.H. Imagine.

And what if after years of chasing each other like a cat and mouse, you and Tom started to wonder if you wanna be something else in each other's life?

A/N: I am posting a one shot after weeks of writer's block. I hope you like it. It's 9:30 pm in Peru and it's still April 28, so it's still my birthday! Give it a try. Pleaseeeeee! And yes, I borrowed a scene from Mean Girls (Because I loveeee that movie)

“Hello God, it's me again, (y/n). What's up? I know we haven't talked much lately, but, hey, listen, I have a favor to ask you- I have behaved well, I haven’t gotten drunk at any crazy party of any Hollywood star and I haven't accepted drugs, ever: I'm afraid my grandmother will appear in my room as a ghost and pull my blankets in the middle of the night, plus, I haven't make out with any Stone-cold Hollywood hottie, and trust me, I've had more than one chance. Anyway, about the favor–”

"Yes, but (y/n)'s grandfather invited us to his birthday party..."

Tom's voice startles you and cuts off your internal dialogue, turning you back to the reality.

It’s 6 am. The sun shines in the clear sky, and you are on a flight back to England in a luxury privet jet that is about to arrive at the airport, while Haz, Harry, Tom and you are sitting in comfortable velvety seats, with the view of morning sky on your left side. 

The exciting memory of your last recording still seemed to run through your veins, too exciting to let you sleep. Because that was the end, the goodbye after incredible months. All your efforts from the past months were hidden behind that last performance that looked like a fantasy, except for the kiss, ugh, you had to erase it from your mind. But now, you're going back home, ready to take a break away from the set-up bridge and blue and green backgrounds, away from the makeup artists who gave your face the final touches of the magic of Hollywood, far from the suit of a superhero who had just won her last battle and who got the cute boy, Peter Parker.

But not far away from Tom Holland.

Because evil takes a human form in Tom Holland, your lifelong neighbor.

How do you even begin to explain Tom Ho– Stop, people say that if you pronounce his name 3 times a curse falls on you.

But fans say Tom Holland is flawless, you heard his curly hair is insured for 10,000 dollars, his favorite movie is “Spider-man Homecoming”, duh, and very soon, “far from home”. One time he met Robert Downey Jr. in his own village and he started hyperventilating, and once he threw a fan's phone on the floor and she said it was awesome.

"Please don't tell me you're going to his birthday party." You complain, because you can't help it.

"Would that bother you that much, darling?" Tom smiles, tilting his head back so that his tender smile fits perfectly with his tender face. “Then of course I will go. Also, your grandfather still has the hope his granddaughter would get a man like me.”

"Ew. Why would my dear grandfather want me to be with someone who enjoys keeping a frog in his mouth?" You ask, earning yourself an Oscar for best actress with the innocence you exude and the seriousness you manage to put on your face, even when Tom's eyes narrow from the attack you just launched, while, enjoying the show, his friend and his younger brother laughs, shaking heads with a familiar expression on their faces because of the familiar discussion between you and him that happens, every two or three days. "Seriously, Tom, give the poor Henry a break."

"Henry?" Tom asks with real confusion, his accent thick, while the other male voices ask it in a collective whisper too.

"I named your frog Henry, hope it doesn't bother you." And you laugh, victorious to feel how Tom exhales the air through his nose.

“Seriously, (y/n), when will you confess that you are in love with me? You don't have to be so shy, darling.” Tom laughs too, using his finger to tap your nose, because he knows perfectly well that you don't like that, just as you don't like being called darling anymore. “Ray is a wise man, you should listen to your grandfather."

"Yes, if you like skinny ones."

"I'm not skinny. I have the perfect body.” Tom defends himself.

"For now, but in a couple of years you will named your big belly as your dad does after drinking with mine." You laugh like a little girl because you love Dom, because he's warm and funny, because he loves his wife and children, and because of how funny he is when he and your dad have had too much alcohol, like the time they started a cartwheel contest in the middle of the street. "Who's there? It's Dom Junior.”

"Shut up! My dad is still sexy!” A heavy silence falls over the small place as everyone looks at Tom with furrowed brows and true confusion, but that's when he realizes the choice of words he used to refer to his dad. "That's not what I meant!"

You raise your hands in a sign of peace, your gaze avoiding his as you stop yourself from laughing and mocking him.

"That's so wrong, Tom." Harry says, with a certain bittersweet taste on the tip of his tongue. "Now because of you I won't be able to see dad's belly the same way."

Harry and Haz chuckle at Dom's expense.

But when the jet landed smoothly on the headlight-lit runway in the early hours of the morning, the heavy hours from the past months feels now as if they weighed the same as a feather, pain and exhausting sleepless nights disappeared in the blink of an eye, and now, there is no oceans that could make you feel far away, because in the end, you always came back home.

"Besides..." You say to finish that conversation, your backpack on your shoulder before making the victory path towards the stairs to get off the plane. "I would like a boyfriend who can grow a mustache, not like the failed attempt on your face. Thank you very much."

"Hey!" Tom frowns as you pass him by, and his voice rises even higher than it already is. "My doctor says it's just a hormone problem."

"Damn, bro..." Harry laughs as he puts an arm around Tom's shoulder, giving him a brotherly hug before walking out to the car waiting outside. “(Y/n) will be hard to catch, you know? But try it, maybe you will make it in this century."

Harry laughs, and then, walks out of the plane.

"What does that mean?" Tom asks Harrison, who is still waiting by his side.

"I think he meant that you are in love with (y/n), but you haven't noticed it yet."

Harrison chuckles, but after patting Tom on the back, he rushes to place a hand on his best friend's shoulder to stop him.

“Hey, mate… you, uh…” Tom's eyes soften, almost to the point where his brown eyes resembled the gaze of a little 5-year-old boy, sad, and lost. “You haven't told anyone why we came back, right?”

“Of course not.” Harrison says, and his gaze smiles just like his lips. “Don’t worry about anything, okay? We are home, you are home. You can take the time you need to rest.”

Tom nods, unsure, but tries to be strong as they both get off the plane. 

The gray autumn clouds hang with invisible strings in the sky as Tom Holland, actor, handsome, wealthy, and the loneliest person in the world, releases a deep breath that is lost among the sounds of the world, because his world is no longer sparkling or velvety thanks to the cameras or a red carpet, and while his new movie is a box office hit that never in his best dreams he would have imagined, something wasn't right for him.

That’s why he is back home.

The car ride is silent as some sleep, except you and Tom, because your eyes seem to recognize the streets you grew up in, because your hearts recognize your home. But for Tom, he recalls tilting his body to the left and a camera captured his best actor pose a week ago, but since then, his body has felt null, as if floating in the air and no longer responding to his orders. He was crystal clear, but a few people seemed to see clearly through him. Tom tries to convince himself that the tickling in his hands is his body's response to tiredness and not his anxiety, because he suffers it too, but he feels that something is eating his soul.

"Are you okay, Tom?"

Among a sea of ​​people, Tom Holland has always pretended to be an interesting person, but now, he takes a deep breath and looks at you, nervous, lost in the middle of that huge world, but you, looking back at him gives him peace, because he doesn’t feel alone anymore. 

What did you think? That someone is interested in knowing if you are really okay? Of course they care, right?

“Of course, darling.” Tom smiles, as if in a snap of fingers, everything is fine.

But there, he catches a movement of yours.

You tilt your head to the side, like his beloved Tessa when she is curious about something, but he doesn't say it out loud because you would take it the wrong way, but the movement in slow motion worthy of a Hollywood scene and the serenity of your gaze makes Tom hold his breath, that breath that previously didn't fit his chest with so many problems that he carried inside.

But suddenly he can breathe again, finally.

“Okay.”

The minutes pass until the car stops on a street that you two recognize perfectly. When everyone is out, the car leaves, but because your favorite boys are about to leave, too, you hug everyone as the promise to celebrate Harrison's birthday next week hangs in the air. You love them so much, because they are beautiful people who helped you to save yourself from the storms of doubts and fears, each of them in their own charming way, and for that, you were grateful.

"My friend Danielle is coming so I would like you to meet her, Haz." You chuckle adorably before leaving, noting that Harrison's smile is as real as his desire to meet her.

"I'm looking forward to it, darling."

"Wait, why he can call you darling?" Tom says, and for a second, you see a sparkle in the brightness of his eyes, but as the door of his house opens and his beloved Tessa runs to receive him, the confusion disperses like the morning haze.

"There she is the only darling you will ever get, Thomas."

And the moment you turn around, because the door of your house opens too, you lose sight of Tom's honest smile and the question that he hides behind his sweet eyes. Was he in love with you all this time without realizing it? And what if he wanna be your boyfriend? 

Oh, right. The favor that you were going to ask God for? To get you a boyfriend, a cute one, a hot one... maybe like Tom. Weird, isn't it?

Tag list: @galaxies-of-the-heart​

[mudpuddless]

Petition to redo the Marvel movies but without the plotholes (Quicksilver could have saved Hawkeye and dodged those bullets easily) and with actual rep (Looking at you, Russo), Including but not not limited to:

Quicksilver surviving AND saving Hawkeye (duh)

Natasha being portrayed like she was in Endgame (read: a human, not a sexy killing machine)

Tony Stark being a bi icon ( don’t get me wrong, he already is)

Trans and/or bi Peter Parker ( It’s what Andrew Garfield would have wanted)

The Science BrosTM consisting of Ironic man, Bruce Badass and the Spiderchild (in capital letters, they deserve that)

Team “Good god Cap is a dumb bitch I love him” (Bucky, Sam, Natasha) 

Steve telling Tony about his parent’s death and they going against Ross together

Bruce Banner being a major character like he deserves

Natasha being in the position to forgive her wrongdoers and having the cliché “be the better man” moment. (Except she's a woman and this is what they made her and even though it isn’t her anymore she can still choose to be this. She destroys them.)

Tony Stark being actually small. Not all men a 6′4 and no man needs to be. ( A paparazzo makes fun of Tony once. Tony gently reminds him that he is a genius billionaire playboy philanthropist and the paparazzo is just some poor idiot who spies on celebrities for money. The Paparazzo cries.)

Bruce and Thor being the purest couple around. Did you see them in Thor:Ragnarok? That’s a power couple If I ever saw one.

The Evil HenchmenTM being actual people who didn’t want this to happen dude really you have to believe me. I just want my kids to be able to go to college. 

People Speaking languages other than American English and the rare English accent. Wasn’t Steves mother an Irish Immigrant? Isn’t Natasha Russian? Doesn’t Tony speak Italian because his mother insisted? Also:

Hawkeye is DEAF

He is disabled. He uses Hearing aids and knows ASL.

And i bet so does Natasha

And Tony because he can’t stand not knowing something

Rhodes might not loose his legs in Siberia in this ‘verse but good god if Tony and Natasha or god forbid Steve catch someone being ableist it’s over. 

Have Daredevil appear (even and especially as Matt Murdock, who everyone knows is blind but still graduated summa cum laude and is respected all around.) 

Tony respects him as a lawyer (as well as as Daredevil) and tries to hire him every time they meet. 

It’s a running gag between them. 

Matt refuses, he wants to work pro bono for the people who need him

Tony pays buys the building of Nelson&Murdock and tells them they don’t have to worry about rent anymore

Karen Page Helps Pepper out sometimes and Pepper pays her enough to live of it

Have Clint and Matt team up and make stupid jokes and beat up bad guys

“How do you like the view?”

“It’s breathtaking. And the Birds are singing so beautiful today...”

“absolutely Marvellous.” 

Innocent bystander Peter Parker, very confused:”...?,,??”

Dumpster Buddies Matt and Clint. 

Steve who was born with more disabilities than they bothered to list on his recruitment form. 

How come that never mattered again. 

As if Bucky would bring it up every time he didn’t want Steve to go on a dangerous mission. 

Have Sam be his awesome sarcastic self I mean come on. So, you like cats? His only personality trait isn’t being loyal to Steve. 

Let characters who appear healthy take meds. There are tons of people who have disabilities and sicknesses that impact their lives permanently and constantly and for gods sake let you characters be chronically sick. they could have diabetes or even just Hypothyroidism. Let them be colourblind. 

Tony canonically has PTSD and Anxiety. 

Let characters be POC without reason. 

Let characters be LGBTQ+ without reason. 

Have Tony and Shuri meet 

Shuri meets MJ and Ned 

Shuri joins the Science BrosTM 

Peter renames them Science Squad 

The Hulk just mauling Ross#2 

(That’s Thaddeus Ross. Ross#1 is Everett Ross because Everett is, unlike some people, a decent human being and doesn’t deserve to be titled #2)

Sorry. I saw an edit on YT and was violently and against my will reminded than canon exists and is actually ableist and pretend-LGBT-friendly. 

[mexcine]

I’m All Right Jack (1959) review: I’m All Right Jack was reportedly the most popular British film of the year of its release, and has maintained its critical reputation in the decades since.  While I found it interesting and entertaining, I was slightly underwhelmed by the film, largely due to several structural aspects of the film’s narrative.

    The basic plot: Stanley Windrush, an Oxford graduate and a former serviceman, is the “poor relation” of a wealthy family and decides to “enter business” as a management trainee.  However, he’s naïve, clumsy and outspoken, and is repeatedly rejected by various companies.  Finally, his uncle Tracepursel suggests Stanley seek employment at Missiles Ltd. (a company Tracepursel owns), but as an ordinary worker.  Stanley innocently clashes with the plant’s unions, but head steward Fred Kite (who has pretensions to be an intellectual analyst of the capitalist system) offers to rent Stanley a room in his own house and educate him in the ways of the working class.  Spotting Kite’s sexy daughter Cynthia (who also works at the plant), Stanley accepts the offer of lodging.  [This has little or no bearing on the plot, as Stanley and Kite have almost no interaction after this; and as noted below, even Stanley’s romance with Cynthia is jettisoned at the conclusion.]

    Meanwhile, unbeknowst to Stanley, Tracepursel is conspiring with Sidney De Vere Cox to have Missiles Ltd. default on a contract to supply arms to a Middle Eastern nation so that Cox’s company can take over the contract (at a higher price, which they’ll split amongst themselves and buyer’s agent Mr. Mohamed). When Stanley unknowingly cooperates with a “time-and-motion” study man and reveals that Missile Ltd’s employees could work much harder, Kite calls a strike.  This soon spreads across the nation, including to Cox’s company, so the scheme has worked too well.  Tracepursel urges plant manager Major Hitchcock to negotiate with Kite to end the strike; since Stanley’s removal is a condition for a resolution, Cox tries to bribe Stanley with a bag of cash to “resign for reasons of health.”  During a television broadcast about the strike, Stanley denounces both sides of the dispute as corrupt, and tosses the money into the air, which provokes a brawl among the studio audience.  Stanley is arrested for his actions, chastised, and put on probation for a year.  As the film concludes, he’s living at a nudist colony with his aged father.

    One of the main flaws of I’m All Right Jack is that the film changes focus throughout—it’s not necessarily a case of an “ensemble cast,” the film almost literally switches back and forth between protagonists.  Stanley Windrush seems to be the protagonist, but at a certain point—when Missiles Ltd. goes on strike—he almost literally vanishes from the screen for an extended period of time, and is replaced in the spotlight by union steward Fred Kite.  There are also extended sequences focusing on Sidney De Vere Cox and Mr. Mohamed, with lesser footage (more traditional use of supporting characters) allotted to Tracepursel and Major Hitchcock, while Aunt Dolly appears only briefly and without much effect on the plot.  A more traditional film would have centered on Windrush throughout, but his disappearance for much of the middle section of the picture makes the conclusion feel forced.  I’m All Right Jack has a curious, “unhappy ending”—Stanley is reprimanded in court, and is last seen being pursued by amorous female tennis players at a nudist resort, his relationship with Cynthia Kite apparently terminated (she’s last seen, weeping, while Stanley is being dressed down by the judge, suggesting she still cares for Stanley).

    Additionally, I’m All Right Jack has a needlessly complex and somewhat illogical plot.  As noted above, Tracepursel and Cox’s scheme to have Missiles Ltd. default on an arms contract so Cox can take over the contract (at a higher price that will allow for kickbacks to those involved).  Apparently as part of this plot, Tracepursel has his ineffectual nephew Stanley Windrush hired by Missiles Ltd.  As it develops, Stanley’s naïveté results in a massive strike that shuts down Missiles Ltd. (but then spreads to Cox’s company and in fact nation-wide), but this was not something Tracepursel could have anticipated.  He gives Stanley no instructions or advice, and it’s only purest luck that Stanley’s actions cause a strike--he’s by no means an agent provocateur (despite Kite’s accusation of him being exactly that) even unwittingly. He just clueless. Any number of alternate outcomes could have occurred as a result of his hiring.

    There is some confusion about the film’s setting: it seems to be contemporary to 1959 when it was produced (the most notable auto in the film is Stanley’s tiny, 3-wheel 1958 Heinkel Kabine), but this would mean Stanley—who served in WWII in Private’s Progress (1956), which features the characters of Stanley, Major Hitchcock, Tracepursel, and Cox—is still unemployed nearly 15 years after the war is over, and is probably pushing 40 (in real life, Ian Carmichael was born in 1920 and did serve in WWII), which seems out of character.  The narrator [E.V.H. Emmett, well-known in the UK as a newsreel narrator] specifically says “Industry! With tremendous opportunities for the young man…”

    This is not to suggest I’m All Right Jack is a bad film—it’s amusing and well-acted, and contains a significant number of interesting ideas.  Barbs are tossed at unions, management, the government, political parties, advertising (detergent Detto and snack bar Num-Yums, both with obnoxious jingles), and so on.  Unionism is attacked mercilessly: Missiles Ltd. has 2 unions, so if one is granted higher wages, the other can request an increase in pay, and then the first one has its turn again, etc.  Stanley stumbles across a group of men who play cards all day in a hidden spot (they can’t be fired but have no work to do), the unions resist cooperating with time-and-motion studies and reportedly assaulted a previous investigator, and so on.  While management and ownership is also depicted as corrupt and/or inept, this could be explained away by labeling Tracepursel and Cox as anomalies.  Working-class opinion presumably supports the principles of the strike (although the most prominent union members shown are Kite’s toadies, and his own wife is certainly not on his side, as she leaves him!), large crowds—whose placards identify them as the “Housewives League” and “Empire Loyalists”--are shown applauding Stanley’s actions (“Three cheers for Mr. Churchill and Stanley Windrush!”) as they sing “Land of Hope and Glory.”  The conservative “Daily Express” newspaper headline reads “Salute Stanley Windrush,” while the Labour-oriented tabloid “Daily Mirror” has a large photo of Stanley and Cynthia (emphasizing her bust) and the clever “Stanley Strikes Lucky” headline (referring to his romance with Cynthia).  Tracepursel says Stanley has the press on his side--some papers for ideological reasons, but others apparently only interested in gossip.

    The political content of I’m All Right Jack is mild and even-handed (basically, a plague on both houses).  Curiously, Ian Carmichael also appeared in Left Right and Centre in 1959, a film that’s focused more specifically on politics and while it’s still balanced in its depiction of the political parties in the UK—the protagonists are more or less evenly split between Conservative and Labour—it points out the differences between them more clearly than I’m All Right Jack.

    Trivia note: I was mildly shocked to see some nudity in I’m All Right Jack, in the opening and closing nudist camp scenes.  It’s bare rear-only nudity (and only of women), shown from a distance and in a non-sexual manner, but it was surprising nonetheless.  

    I’m All Right Jack is well-made and has a strong cast.  The comedy is mostly subtle and character-based: the chief exception to this is Stanley’s slapstick tour of the Num-Yum factory, in which he’s repeatedly urged to sample the product and finally ends up vomiting into a mixing machine.  The film briefly pokes fun at advertising (the “Detto” detergent and “Num-Yum” billboards and musical jingles) but drops this rather abruptly.  Not all of the verbal and character humour works—one of Kite’s union cronies stutters, and the “joke” is that you think he’s going to say a profane word based on the first letter but he doesn’t (“F-f-f-f…friend”).

    Ian Carmichael was somewhat typecast as a well-meaning but naïve and bumbling member of the upper class, and he is reasonably effective here.  Peter Sellers’ Fred Kite is a much more complex character, mispronouncing large words, lauding the Soviet Union, reminiscing fondly about the “very good toast and preserves they give you at tea time” at Oxford (where he attended a summer session in 1946).  When his wife (well-played by Irene Handl) and daughter Cynthia (Liz Fraser, also good) leave him, Fred’s home life goes to blazes (sink full of unwashed dishes, etc.) and he gains additional audience sympathy (although he isn’t a really unsympathetic character earlier, just a self-important and overly enthusiastic labour union representative).  Dennis Price, Terry-Thomas, Richard Attenborough, and Margaret Rutherford have clearly-defined supporting roles and play them straight.  Further down in the cast in very minor roles are Esma Cannon, Wally Patch, and John Van Eyssen (who appeared as Jonathan Harker in Horror of Dracula, 1958, if you’re wondering why he looks familiar).  

    I’m All Right Jack is a fine, entertaining film but perhaps slightly over-rated in terms of its overall importance.  Still, recommended.

[fantastica-daily]

Richard Elfman on his new bizarro comedy - Aliens, Clowns & Geeks

By Staci Layne Wilson

When it comes to cult science fiction movies, Forbidden Zone stands tall. Richard Elfman's 1980 Mystic Knights of the Oingo Boingo vehicle was a one-of-a-kind film zooming down on a one-way street to a whacky conclusion that’s stayed in the minds of schlock cinema fans ever since. His latest film, Aliens, Clowns & Geeks is an equally wild and expressionistic indie featuring Austin Powers' Verne Troyer in his last role, promising that Aliens, Clowns & Geeks is the antidote to mainstream and a breakneck cure for the run-of-the-mill.

“I was fortunate to have my dream cast on this one, including Verne Troyer (Mini-Me) as my demonic clown emperor–his final film role,” says Elfman. “Our ninety-minute film has seventy-five minutes of driving music by my brother Danny (Elfman) and acclaimed animation composer, Ego Plum Guerrero. Along with Danny’s to-die-for clown and alien music, Ego added a Latin element with the band we play with, Mambo Demonico.” The score was composed by Danny Elfman, who wrote the theme song to The Simpsons, the music to The Nightmare Before Christmas and did the singing voice of Jack Skellington, and won six Saturn awards.

"Eddy Pine (Bodhi Elfman) is a jaded actor dealing with the cancellation of his series," reads the official synopsis. "To complicate matters, he wakes up with the key to the universe stuck up his ass. Apparently an alien Clown Emperor (Verne Troyer) is in hot pursuit of this, as are his rivals, the Green Aliens. Professor von Scheisenberg (French Stewart) and his comely Swedish assistants, the Svenson sisters (Rebecca Forsythe as Helga, Angeline-Rose Troy as Inga), come to Eddy’s aid. If only Eddy hadn’t fallen for Helga, and then the aliens manipulate his mind to confuse her with Inga! And when the mad little Clown Captain (Martin Klebba) steps on the gas and shifts his spaceship into fourth gear, all hell breaks loose.”

We had the opportunity to sit down with Richard to ask him about his movie.

Q. To what do you attribute your enduring interest in clowns? And why do you think they’re so fascinating to people in general?

As I’ve always said: “To be born a male redhead is to be born into a clown suit.” Hence my carrot-topped brother Danny and I have always had a fascination with clowns. Coupled with our wicked sense of humor and a love of the horror genre, it was an easy morph into thoughts of creepy clowns. Just like dolls and puppets—yes, I’m speaking Anabelle—clowns can have something “surreal” about them.  Bill Skarsgard’s Pennywise really nails it. And I laughed my head off at Killer Klowns From Outer Space. (And we have honk-honking shit-load of killer clowns in my new film).

Q. How did the idea for Aliens, Clowns & Geeks come about? Is it similar to The Forbidden Zone?

 Joined-at-the-hip. Yes. And no. Forbidden Zone is basically a surrealistic “human-cartoon” set to musical numbers. So I was working on Forbidden Zone 2, a thematic extension of FZ but on a much grander scale. I did a successful crowd-funder to develop the project, then, with the help of my producers, raised about half the budget. They asked me if we could do something quick (and cheaper) in the interim to keep the momentum going.

So I basically locked myself in my roof-top writing garret with a box of cigars and many bottles of whiskey and banged out my Geeks script over the next three weeks.

Geeks is utterly zany and music-driven, but it’s not a “singing musical” so to speak like FZ. It has surrealistic elements, thanks to my insane special effects department--and a little help from Hieronymus Bosch—but I would describe Geeks having cartoony elements rather than being a total “human cartoon” as FZ was…if that makes any sense. (And please don’t try!)

 Q. Tell us about the multiple roles played by your family – and do you have role as well? What was it like working with your family – any funny stories?

My son Bodhi Elfman—a serious dramatic actor with 100s of credits--did a great comic turn as Eddy, the lead; a bitter out of work actor who wakes up with the key to the universe stuck up his ass. He also played the ass-kissing clown (literally) on the space ship plus the green alien network executive who orders the destruction of Earth. My wife Anastasia played multiple roles, everything from a nun to a carny slut. She also danced and choreographed the cabaret burlesque numbers as well as played a clown…until she got sick from the chemicals inside the clown mask and had to throw up—after we got the shot, of course--committed trouper that she is. When I met Anastasia she was a ballet dancer with a “day job” at a horror fx shop. She can dance with a broken toe but seems to have developed a sensitivity to certain shop chemicals.

I played a clown as well and almost threw up from laughing. I must say Geeks was a fun show to work on (my greatest joy is creating a sense of fun) and the actors and crew had serious trouble keeping from laughing as I directed in insane clown attire. What a fucking visual!

And brother Danny—what can I say? As an independent (hence lower budget) film maker it helps when your little brother in Mozart.

Q. Tell us how you ran away and joined the circus.

Actually, The Grande Magic Circus--a French musical theatre company. 1971, I was twenty-one, visiting the Festival of New Theatre in Montreal. I ran into a scruffy Parisian street troupe. They had something though, a charisma, an élan, whatever-- it attracted me. Director Jérôme Savary needed a percussionist—et voila, that was me! I persuaded them to give me several minutes onstage at the festival doing my comedy/horror piece set to an Eric Satie’s Gnossienne. When I “killed” the pianist in a pool of blood the audience was shocked. And they loved it!

Then, back in California, I went to see Marcel Carne’s masterpiece Les Enfant de Paradise , a three hour film set in the Paris theatre scene of the 1830’s. I exited the theatre, stopped, turned around and went back in and saw it again.

A few months later I received a letter from Jerome. Peter Brook, famed director of London’s Royal Shakespeare Company was backing the Magic Circus in a large Paris theatre. Would I like to join them? Bloody hell!! Hence, I ran away and joined the “circus.”

Q. Tell us something about your time with the Magic Circus, how it influenced you and also how your brother Danny Elfman joined the show.

I might say that working with Jérôme Savary was perhaps my single greatest influence. The troupe had classically trained actors from the Comedie Francais as well as more Avant guard performers. Jerome was a genius, his material had a sense of Absurdism that really struck me. I would later develop this absurdism in my own fashion. Certainly with my own troupe, the Mystic Knights of the Oingo Boingo (later Oingo Boingo). By the way, my film Forbidden Zone was essentially our Mystic Knights stage show set to film.

Danny—several days out of high school--showed up at my 5ème, Rue Descartes doorstep with his electric violin. The company violinist was from the Paris Opera. Jerome liked to improvise. The opera guy couldn’t deviate one note from the written score. I believe my brother is Mozart reincarnated. He could follow any improvisation and got the job and toured with us for the summer throughout France. He and I opened the show with him on violin, me on percussion—the first music Danny Elfman ever wrote.

Q. Any other interesting experiences that you and Danny had there?

We were in a Basque town near the Spanish border. If I may digress, I am four years Danny’s senior. I went to a high school in Crenshaw (Boyz in the Hood), Danny ended up at a school with no guns. I was a tough boxer. Danny might be described as a bespectacled science nerd. So it’s Friday night, the audience was really rowdy and restless. My “street sense” knew it was just a matter of time before the fights broke out. We had an Argentine fellow in the troupe, “Katshurro,” nicest fellow. Drunks in the audience picked up on his accent and shouted terrible Spanish insults about his mother. Katshurro stopped mid-performance, his eyes bugging out of head, and he dove right into the audience swinging away. All hell broke loose. Everyone was fighting, sets crashing down. Danny’s glasses got knocked off. Well, and not for the first time, I managed to get Danny out of trouble with both his glasses and violin intact.

Q. Tell us about the cast you assembled – which includes Verne Troyer in his final screen performance. What was he like? Who does he play in the film?

I really had my dream cast. Along with my son Bodhi we had lovely kung-fu kicking Rebecca Forsythe, versatile Angeline-Rose Troy who not only played Rebecca’s sexy Swedish sister, but donned prosthetics to play poor Eddy’s junkie/whore “Mom from Hell.”

Professor von Scheisenberg was played impeccable veteran French Stewart (Third Rock From the Sun). Another great vet was George Wendt (Cheers) as Father Mahoney. Six foot six comic Steve Agee (Sarah Silverman Show, Guardians of the Galaxy) played both a tough cross-dressing bar owner and a stuttering dufis in a chicken suit. Nic Novicki (Boardwalk Empire) played his nasty little-person boss. I was really blessed with a great ensemble to work with.

And, of course, Verne Troyer, our megalomaniac Clown Emperor. What a wonderful talent to work with! He was funny on set, insisted on doing things in spite of physical limitations and he gave us hilarious comic improvisations. Little body. Big spirit. I will certainly miss him.

Q. The music is by Danny and you also have great animation… please give us some details what it’s like to create worlds through music and manufactured imagery.

Danny, along with my band mate--award winning animation composer Ego Plum (Guerrero)—really gave it to us. Seventy-five minutes of music in a ninety-minute film. ♪ ♫ La, tee-da and a boom boom boom! ♪ ♫  Music is essential to everything I do—especially setting the tone of my films. I even play music before I start writing.

As soon as Danny saw our surrealistic Bosch dream sequence and goofy clown rocket ships he agreed to do the score…after he stopped laughing. I play percussion in a quirky Latin band, Mambo Demonico, led by Hollywood’s top tv animation composer, Ego Plum. He and Danny work with the same people, including Oingo Boingo lead guitarist Steve Bartek, who subsequently has done every one of Danny’s film arrangements. Steve and the original Oingo Boingo members all played on our sound track. I must brag that we do have great fucking music!

You know, Danny was a bespectacled science nerd growing up, basically stayed out of trouble. That was my department. Oddly, he wasn’t really into music. No bands, no concerts, no big music collection. Life is funny how things turned out. I showed him a rough cut of Geeks, he laughed his ass off and offered to do it. Yes, I’m very lucky to have “Mozart” as my little brother!

Q. Who is Aliens, Clowns & Geeks for? Do you think movies like this are more likely to find a mainstream audience?

Forbidden Zone may be a “cult” movie but it still plays all over the world--after forty years. Just this past month FZ played festivals in France and South Korea. Geeks is certainly not for everyone—no one falls in love then dies of cancer. But it will find an audience I am sure. Anyone who had fun with Killer Klowns From Outer Space, liked Rocky Horror, even What We Do in the Shadows in terms of a quirky, wicked sense of humor. I also think it will play well in mental asylums…it certainly shall send people there in any case.

Geeks doesn’t fit into the scheme of “modern films.” Actually, the shooting style and underlying three-act story structure harkens back to classic comedies (says the son of a former English teacher turned novelist). The trappings though, are insane and off-the-wall. You might say it’s just my own, goony creation. Love it or hate it, the humor is balls-out outrageous, definitely not for everyone--no one dies of cancer. Geeks is simply meant to be fun for essentially the genre audience.

Q. What’s your proudest moment associated with making the film?

Proudest moment? Maybe finally paying the actors. People say I’ve embraced the indie spirit. I don’t know how much I “embrace” it, so much as am fucked by it, having to work on such a modest budget. Although I’ve been a “hired gun” and directed scripts written by others, Geeks is really the first time since my 1980 Forbidden Zone that I’ve really done purely my own vision. Per John Waters, well, I’d hope he’d have something strong to drink and/or smoke and then laugh his ass off watching it! That’s what it was like creating the film: Drinking scotch and smoking cigars in my rooftop writing garret, laughing my ass off! The green aliens have a totally high-tech ship, except for the automotive steering wheel and four-on-the-floor to shift gears. For the clowns we went for an absurdly updated version of Flash Gordon. And when our tiny clown emperor takes possession of an earth body, he has little dummy of the earthling sitting in his lap, their heads connected by electrical wires. Absurd and ridiculous, and that’s my middle name.

Want to see a double feature of The Forbidden Zone and Aliens, Clowns & Geeks? You can! They will play at The Regency in L.A. as part of The Valley Film Festival on 1/30/21. Get tickets here.

Look for our review of Aliens, Clowns & Geeks here soon!