#poor child went thru so much trauma

[slocumjoe]

hey uhhh i went thru ur oc post history and u said gus set himself on fire?? pls context

I love this character because whenever someone asks about him I always have to take a deep breath and get comfortable and suck a breath in through my teeth. I treat him so poorly

More Gus lore, because that specific event is actually tied to the very first event that would fuck him up forever, so I can't really talk about it without going in depth.

This is explaining the core tenent of Augustijn's story, which is guilt and its dangers. Basically, where that constant guilt came from, and how it...turned out for him...

It turns out okay. Just...takes 200+ years, an apocalypse, a divorce, and his son dying! 🥳Yay🥳

Tw; Religious trauma, child abuse, suicide, drug use, cannibalism, mental illnesses, and yet another suicide attempt.

So, some background, Gus's mom, Emma, was a fanatic catholic and generally Bat Shit about religion. As you might imagine, this is the Direct Source of both Gus' questionable worldviews, traumas, and his biological inclination to uuuhhh bad Head Times.

Emma was raised mildly religious, but she...took to it too hard? Her family was not the cause of her obsession, Gus's grandparents and uncles/aunts over there actually cut her off at one point, because she was starting to worry them but reaching out led to her lashing out. So, they just...backed off. Emma herself was a simple, homebody woman, who wanted to be at home raising her kids, and tending her garden. She would have been this way even without the religious thing.

But Emma and her side of the family were prone to addiction, see? And religion became her point of fixation and obsession. This could have still been okay, if not for the church she went into. A catholic church in the Hague that was known by all for being kind of fucking out there, even by other hardcore Catholics. This was one she went into, and even her grandchild 240+ years later would feel the ripple of this decision.

Emma goes into church and gets gnarly ideas about how life works. Its a woman's duty to have kids and raise them, to be good to her husband and her house, to listen and obey her men. Sin is inevitable and everyone does it, only those that admit and accept punishment can get another chance at Paradise. God knows every action you take and he does not care for the context, he only cares about the action. There is no "well, but" under the Lord.

Emma has mental illness, some kind of depression and anxiety, so this Big Brother Watching And Judging fucked her up. Especially since her church, in particular, was physically abusive if you did not confess to anything during confession. They thought if you had nothing to confess, you were lying.

At this point, she's met and engaged to Theodore Reinier, a rich heir to a European manufacturing company. He's pretty, a gentleman, and best of all, rich, so she can have as big and luxurious a garden as she wants. She likes him. She does not love him. She's in her twenties and unmarried with no kids, and her poor family needs to be taken care of. So she marries him. Theodore is smart enough to see this for what it is, and kind enough to allow it. He lets his wife do her own thing and treats her as a friend, rather than a lover. She hates this, she wants to be a wife (she doesnt). She wants kids, he gives her one. Augustijn. This birth goes rough, and she's told no more children.

Theodore makes one rule; August goes to a different church, or he does not go at all. Theo really didn't like Emma's church and he certainly wasn't exposing his kid to that shit.

Emma pretends to agree and takes Gus to That Church. Theo doesn't attend, so he doesn't know this is happening until much later. Gus gets all the same nasty shit Emma does. Theo learns of this when he sees Gus covered in bruises from confession beatings. This puts a huge rift between him and Emma, and he pulls all the strings he can to have her church shut down.

Emma grows to resent and hate Theo and Augustijn for not being the perfect husband and child she deserves as a good, God fearing house wife. Augustijn is left to his nannies, Emma hides away in her private garden, fuming. Theodore tries to bond with his son, but Emma's poisoned that well.

Emma tells Augustijn about demons, to fear them. She specifically tells him about church grims, demons that hunt around churches in the form of a dog to drag sinners to hell. She says this as she's admiring her new obsidian dog statues for her garden.

Eventually, Emma goes yellow wallpaper and loses her mind, and is sent to therapy and put on medications. Augustijn loathes his father for his mother's state. Theodore just wants his friend and son okay. But Emma, as she's out in town, coming back from therapy, she stops at a friend's house while the friend isn't there, and hooks up with the woman's husband. Friend's husband was stern, strict with his wife, God fearing, and generally an obnoxious 50s ideal shithead husband. Everything Emma wanted. This wasn't out of nowhere, it was brewing in the background. She knew both of them from her old church.

Emma goes home, and finally having a reason for the guilt that's always plagued her, elects to acknowledge her sin. She drowns herself in the pond of her garden, stared down by three dark, ruby-eyed dogs, overseeing her passage into the afterlife. Her young son comes into the garden to meet his mother, after she's been gone all day, only to find her in a red pool. He looks up into the eyes of the dogs. He remembers nothing of this incident, blocking it out and having been too young to understand.

Years pass, and Augustijn turns to drugs as well, though his come from the darkest parts of the Hague, rather than a doctor. He turns to sex, to crime, to anything he thinks will either corrupt him so much he doesn't care, or will finally make his guilt feel justified. He wears his mother's cross necklace through it all, and sees her beloved dog with every sin.

Augustijn goes to America for college, to Harvard, studying to become a pastor himself. (This is maybe the most terrifying part of him, the fact that he almost got it). But he doesn't feel satisfied with it, has a moment of clarity and realizes he isn't fit to preach anything. The grim certainly doesn't think so. He instead follows his only friend, Isadora, into the military. The US government allowing their soldiers to do chems means his failed drug tests don't matter.

Augustijn becomes a sniper. He has always hurt people, excelled in it, but taking life frightens him, because he knows he has no right to decide who lives or dies, not like this. But he's in China, and he's told to kill. He does, and he's very good at it. His teammates marvel at just how scrappy and determined he is, like a weed, a mold.

The Biandukou Pass Incident occurs. He eats his entire team, trapped in a Chinese mountain range during a blizzard.

Delirious from almost two months of surviving on nothing but psycho and human flesh, Augustijn is let loose back into Boston, honorably discharged. His lingering hallucinations from his Daytripper addiction, mixed with psycho withdrawal, trauma, guilt, shame, the fear of God—everything culminates. He looks up and sees the figure that has haunted him since that one, awful day; the church grim, staring expectantly.

His mother drowned herself, so he thought it fitting if he set himself ablaze.

[luupsiearts]

let him be happy with his doggo ;-;

[lelly-belly]

Whumptober 2021 Masterlist

Ah yes, Whumptober. I obviously wasn’t going for full completion, but I did write a little less than I originally planned to. So, I might come back and finish them at a later date, just to have every prompt filled out. 

Anyway, I have three different stories in this masterlist. They are as follows:

Damon and Ryan - A mafia boss whumpee and RHM caretaker (dealing with trauma together)

Andrew Lane Wright - My ex-hero/vigilante whumpee (so much trauma this poor boy)

Thomas and Mark - two high school soccer players (some whump, mostly recovery)

On to the days: 

No. 1 - ALL TRUSSED UP AND STILL NOWHERE TO GO

“You have to let go” | barbed wire | bound 

CW: kidnapping, death/murder mention, bound, noncon implied (one sentence), blood, kinda gory.

No. 2 - TALKING IS OVERRATED

garotte | choking | gagged

CW: choking, gagged, not being able to talk, reference to past trauma, eye whump (not too bad, but Ik a lot of people can’t stand a lot of it), violence.

No. 3 - STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK MY BONES BUT…

taunting | insults | “Who did this to you?”

CW: violence, punching, some cursing

No. 4 - TRUST FALL

“Do you trust me?” | taken hostage | pushed

CW: jumping off a roof, cursing.

No. 5 -  I’VE GOT RED IN MY LEDGER

betrayal | misunderstanding | broken nose

Coming Soon!

No. 6 - TOUCH AND GO

bruises | touch starved | hunger

Coming Soon!

No. 7 MY SPIDEY-SENSE IS TINGLING

helplessness | numbness | blindness

CW: drugs, passed out, broken bones, signs of previous abuse

No. 8 - COUGHING UP A LUNG

pneumothorax | exotic illness | “Definitely just a cold”

Coming Soon!

No. 9 -  RUMORS OF MY DEATH HAVE BEEN GREATLY EXAGGERATED

presumed dead | (blind) rage | tears

Coming Soon!

No. 10 - OOPS, I DID IT AGAIN

hospital | flare-up | ice chips

Coming Soon!

No. 11 - JUST KEEP SWIMMING

adrift | drowning | dehydration (kinda went off the rails w/ this one)

CW: Sinking ship, uh cursing, reference to murder.

No. 12 - IT’LL BE FUN, THEY SAID

torture | made to watch | begging

Coming Soon!

No. 13 - THAT’S GONNA LEAVE A MARK

“This is gonna suck” | burns | cauterization

Coming Soon!

No. 14 - UNDER PRESSURE

crush injuries | beaten | force

Coming Soon!

No. 15 -​ FEED A COLD, STARVE A FEVER

delirium | fever dreams | bees

Coming Soon!

No. 16 - ON A NEED TO KNOW BASIS

recovery | scars | aftermath

CW: scars, abuse, abuse that happened as a child, kidnapping ref, guilt, violence, fighting. 

No. 17 - FIELD CARE 101

“Please don’t move!” | hemorrhage | dread

Coming Soon!

No. 18 - THE DOCTOR IS IN

“Now smile for the camera” | doctor’s visit | CPR

CW: gore, violence ref, first responder, kidnapped whumpee, hospital (I chose not to include the hospital whump when I was writing this bc it was on a bad day and hospital whump hurts me on bad days), anesthetic, some flinching at being touched. 

No. 19 - JUST A SCRATCH

bitten | bleeding | stabbing

Coming Soon!

No. 20 - LOST & FOUND

trunk | trapped under water | solitary confinement

Coming Soon!

No. 21 - THAT’S WHERE THE BLOOD’S SUPPOSED TO BE

bleeding through the bandages | pressure | blood-matted hair

CW: stab/puncture wound, scars, blood, pain, some gore (like if ur squeamish abt something going thru a body part, uhh skip the sentences that have it, its the “if Beck had gone the route” paragraph, like the first couple sentences), injury reveal. 

No. 22 - THEY MADE ME DO IT

cursed | demon | obsession

Coming Soon!

No. 23 - YOU BREAK IT, YOU BUY IT

auction | ransom | pursuit

Coming Soon!

No. 24 - ONE DOWN TWO TO GO

self-induced injuries to escape | flashback | revenge

Coming Soon!

No. 25 - HIDE & SEEK

escape | flight | hiding

Coming Soon!

No. 26 - YOU WILL GO DOWN WITH THIS SHIP

fallen | waterfall | trap door

Coming Soon!

No. 27 - I’M FINE. I PROM…

passing out | vertigo | collapse

Coming Soon!

No. 28 - IT’S NOT JUST IN YOUR HEAD

“Good. You’re finally awake.” | nightmares | panic

Coming Soon!

No. 29 - ALL WORK AND NO PLAY

“You’re still not dead?” | too weak to move | overworked

Coming Soon!

No. 30 - DIGGING YOUR GRAVE

major character death | left for dead | ghosts

Coming Soon!

No. 31 - HURT & COMFORT

disaster zone | trauma | prisoner

Coming Soon!

[tallowes]

I’m working on a bio template by working on Tace’s bio and doing the personality part has been really insightful / helped me to remember some things about him that are #Canon but I sometimes forget because I’m a Fool and the reason why I juxtapose / compare him to Anders a lot mentally while I work on meta-level shit.  Tace was given to the Circle as a very young child, it’s basically all he’s ever known, as someone who’s very strong willed and stubborn he always had some trouble living in the Circle. But when his dreamer capabilities kicked in at 13 things got infinitely worst and he had to very quickly readapt and get the authorities on his side just to survive and not be made tranquil. In the span of a few short months as his powers became less sporadic and more consistent and the enchanters sorted out what was going on Tace went from being just another ( if a bit bratty ) apprentice to being considered the most dangerous person in the Circle and a threat to the safety of the other mages just by living.  He was isolated from the other mages, given private sleeping quarters with wards, etc. on them ( basically a glorified isolation cell ) and a constant guard of templars day and night. He was basically treated like a dangerous criminal or plague victim. Some of that is justified, he was a very young mage and it’s talked about in DA2 just how bad can be if something goes wrong with a dreamer. However it all set him on edge and made him shift quickly from disliking the templars and enchanters because he’s a unruly preteen to thinking of them as threats because of the harsh 180. Tace is smart, very observant and while he’s hot-blooded he doesn’t like to act or lash out, especially when it’s a serious situation where that could really hurt him. He wants to have all the facts so he can point by point tell you why you’re wrong. It became clear to him that they were watching him more intensely than they were anyone else, looking for signs of instability or possession and he knew if they felt they found something regardless if it was there he’d be made tranquil. Even at that age he found the concept nightmarish and was terrified of it being done to him. So he stopped acting out completely, or questioning things too much or really showing any outward signs of not being an exemplary circle mage as much as possible as a means of self preservation. So while Anders, his contemporary in the same Circle was becoming more rebellious Tace was becoming more docile and embedded in the community. 

When Falon’din’s Putrescence locked on to him around 14-15 and he began to not just deal with more frequent and intense demon attacks than the rest of the mages and the physical / mental / emotional toll that took on him, but also began wake up with physical bruising his life was genuinely in danger from the templars. Knowing where this would likely lead he preempted the talks of tranquility before they got too serious by essentially begging for his life,  pointing out that he had now faced about 2 years of near constant demonic assault of all kinds on a level of intensity none of the rest had at a young “untrained and unstable” age and had never had a single moment of faltering.  Thankfully since Irving and Greagoir aren’t complete monsters they agreed he had proven to have a very strong will and he would not be made tranquil but he would still live apart from the rest, go through the harrowing and have a constant guard of at least 1 templar, usually 2, assigned to him for the rest of his life. Tace agreed readily, he didn’t really have a choice and frankly he found the idea of someone around to kill him if he fucked up comforting. His main strength against demons had always been his stubbornness and loathing of being told what to do but Falon’din’s Putrescence is in a category all of it’s own and the idea of what could happen if he did finally break and give up terrified him as much as being tranquil did. Both because of the loss of Self / control and the possible carnage that could be done through him.  Over time he became a split personality with his real self curdling into something very unpleasant as he pushed down all his negative traits, thoughts, feelings etc. and basically lied almost constantly about himself. He couldn’t completely stop being his naturally stubborn independent self but he stamped it down enough to come across as an eccentric and a bit of jerk and not a dangerously rebellious and angry garbage fire of a person, which he actually is. He maintained his shit by basically only caring about himself and focusing intensely on his studies, research and duties, excelling as an academic and a researcher and gaining the rank of enchanter.  People like Anders were inherently dangerous to his survival, not because they themselves where a threat to him physically or anything but because Tace deeply felt for them and sympathized with them. Tace’s seeming inability to connect with others is both the product of his on going trauma and as part of his self-preservation. If he cares about people like Anders, who are clearly struggling, failing to thrive and being obviously miss treated and subjected to barbaric punishments for doing / thinking things he agrees with for reasons he empathizes with he will 100% mclose it and have outburst after outburst and eventually lead to his own demise. So he actively squashes his better traits like his very real and very deep compassion and instead lets himself see everyone as a threat, suspicious or just Not Important or Real like he is. Boom now he doesn’t get upset about poor Jowan, guy just was fucking loser who sucked and couldn’t cut it like he can so rip adios laddie don’t write. While he and Anders have similarities ( personalities not suited for the circle, long bouts of enforced isolation, mental illness struggles, massive sense of betrayal, strong wills, intensely emotional, regretfully care a LOT about others, “radical ideas” like basic human rights for everyone ) Tace’s situation from day one was much more precarious, since 13 he was living on the knife’s edge with opinion on him liable to change irrevocably with just one bad day and he fucking knew it. His ways of coping and working to survive were much different, he used his inherent extroversion, people skills, intelligence and sheer force of will to convince people and to blend in and appear “safe”. Basically becoming an actor putting on some kind of sick play for the amusement of overlords who held his life in their hands. While I’ve joked and talked about how much of an asshole he is and how he has little respect for others or the dead in particular the fact is that other half of his split personality rarely comes out. The era it was most apparent in was DA2 when he’d finally left the Circle, knowing that if he had stayed and let the transfer to the Gallows go thru it was a death sentence. During that time as an apostate largely on his own or with people like Hawke’s gang who really can’t complain much about bad behavior / attitude his true personality got to make an appearance. He was mean, petty, vindictive, intensely distrustful, careless with other people and honestly kind of awful to be around, but along with that he was also helpful, protective of others ( especially Anders, Merrill, Isabella and Fenris ) , considerate, thoughtful, funny and sporadically deeply compassionate. Tace without all his baggage and trauma would be a deeply compassionate, witty, good natured well regarded natural mentor friend ( if a bit of a hard ass ) but at is stands his experiences have made him manipulative, cruel, brutal, callous with the emotions / lives of others, intensely selfish and self centered, stubborn / spiteful to the point of self damaging and largely unable to connect with others on deeper levels. When in situations where his life is in danger from the opinion of groups or “superiors” like the Circle, Mage Rebellion camps or the Inquisition he comes across as a largely harmless academic with an at times strong personality. When he deems himself out of the line of sight or with people he at least trusts not to narc on him he drops some level of the pretense and it becomes increasingly clear he’s very fucked up, deeply unpleasant, needs a lot of therapy ASAP and is absolutely earth shatteringly furious and violently egalitarian. I think it says a lot about him that he has two main reasons that fuel him in his constant battle against possession and they’re that he’s so furiously individualistic and stubborn that he’d rather die and have his immortal soul shredded into non-existence than lose even 1 spec of the bodily autonomy he still has and that he knows exactly how catastrophic it would be if any demon, let alone something like Falon’din’s Putrescence got control of him, and he would rather suffer for eternity than let that kind of calamity happen, especially if he’d be the vehicle for it because despite all his callousness the idea he might be party to that level of monstrousness makes him sick. 

[notyourmotherswitch]

When Dean finds home

TITLE:  WHEN DEAN FINDS HOME

CHAPTER NO: 1/?

AUTHOR:  notyourmotherswitch

You end up at the bunker after a trauma.  Slowly the guys realize how much they want you there.

RATING: M

WARNINGS: Death of your child, grief (it gets better, then REALLY better), self esteem issues, language, smut, little Daddy kink.

NOTES: My very first ever.  First fanfic, first writing a story for others, first major posting on tumbler.  Please be kind.  Also I apparently have a strong author voice.  I have always loved the theatrical aside, where the actor lets you in.  A quick personal joke, quick addition to the sentence or funny reaction.

Sam did hear y/n crying, and as he had for every night since you came to the bunker, he grabbed a pillow and slept beside your door.  He knew you needed to work through, well everything, but wanted to make sure if you needed more that he was right there for you.  Dean slept thru almost anything.  After the sobs diminished, he crept back to his room, sad he couldn’t do more to help you thru this.  He hoped you asked for help if it got to be too much.  He was afraid that even if you did need help, you wouldn’t think to ask someone else.  You asked for so little.

The story so far:

You were screaming, looking at the Aurora’s crib.  Then those two men burst into your home.  The tall one went straight to the crib, blanched, and with a blank face pulled her blanket over her poor little body.  Sam then turned to you with a sad face and said, “She did not suffer.  She did not feel pain.  The thing that did this...”  You went silent; you had to know what could do this.  Why Aurora?

“Damn it!”  Suddenly you realize the shorter one (who still towered over you) is pissed angry.  He won’t meet your eyes. Sam gently suggests you go to the living room.  “Dean, get some water for her.”

“Right.”  As Sam sat you down, you could hear Dean slamming cabinet doors hunting for a glass.  Sam gently sat down opposite you on the coffee table, frankly you were surprised it held up, it was almost embarrassing cheap.  But it allowed you to get the best crib the store had, and Aurora was so worth the furniture that would grow as she did.  Oh.  Sam was talking to you with this puppy dog look on his face, you probably should pay attention.

You do your best to listen, you even managed to ask a few questions.  Sam explained that there were things that go bump in the night.  Most hid as humans, but some just did not have that level of intelligence.  They had been tracking a beast, you couldn’t remember what it’s name was, that had killed some “recreational hunters” (sounds fake, but ok).  Earlier that day they had tracked the beast down to a lair in the woods and found its family.  During the process of “ganking” (weird name), the female escaped wounded. While they were tracking it down to finish their job, they heard you screaming.  Best they could figure, it crawled into your precious Aurora’s room and took sustenance to speed the healing process.  They killed it as it left your home, too late.  Dean brought you a glass of water, but still didn’t meet your eyes.

What happened next, you can only guess, cause you fainted.  The night had proved too much to process.

*****

You start to wake up, you aren’t in your bed.  You are in a moving car.  Why? Then last night floods into your memory. You can’t even think past the grief and gasp as waves of pain, horror and grief overwhelm you.  “Damn it, she’s awake again.”  You hear Dean swear under his breath.  “There’s a pull off just ahead, I’ll pull over.”  The car, something old but maintained, pulls over gently.  This isn’t a normal rest stop, there’s no bathroom, no gas station, no restaurant. Suddenly you realize you are in a car, with two unknown men who have admitted to hunting and killing THINGS, and there is no one in sight.  They took you from your home.  Fear grips you, pushing your grief back out of the way of survival.  Suddenly there are no emotions, and you take the first full breath since… no, and stop crying.  You watch both men very carefully, hoping for a moment when you can run, escape or do injury. Injury might work, might even help kill some pain…

Sam is looking at your face, he turned in his seat and is just watching you with a sad face as the car comes to a stop.  Something in Sam’s body language tells you to wait and see what they do, you don’t feel he would hurt you.  Don’t know about the compact firecracker though.

Sam waits, watching your expression flit across your face.  He can see your survival instincts have kicked in and you have a false calm. “y/n, my name is Sam.  This is my brother Dean.  We met last night.  Do you remember what happened last night?”

“Aurora.”  A sob escapes you.  You push it back down, you can’t grieve right now, you have to survive.”

“Do you remember us talking last night?”  “Yes, you said you killed that thing.”  “Good. I promise, Aurora did not feel pain or fear and it was quick.”  “I understand.”

“Before we talk about anything else, do you have any questions about last night?”  “No.  My life is over.”  You state it with such belief, Sam is struck dumb.  A slow ok of understanding came out with a tear in his eye too.  “Why did you kidnap me?  I have no money, no family, and no reason for anyone to want me.”

Dean had been watching you in the mirror, he thought he understood your grief, and did not want to make things harder for you by another stranger watching you.  But he couldn’t not watch you.  You were so sure that your life was over, you stated it.  He could see the grief in your every movement. He was impressed you were able to tamp down your feelings to get on with a task.  That took serious balls, he thought.   Someone that ballsy couldn’t be allowed to give up.

“We did not kidnap you, at least we did not intend to.  After you fainted,” You snorted unbelieving. “After you passed out, we got a call from a friend.  He needs our help, fast.  Normally we would have called a relative or the cops for you.  But when we found your contacts list, we couldn’t have someone we thought we could call.  And the way that thing hunted, it could look like you had killed your daughter.  We decided we couldn’t leave you alone to face all that, but we had to leave, so we brought you along.”  

A soft “Sorry” came from the green eyes in the mirror.  After they eye contact, Dean sighs and turns to face you as well.  They are both clearly trying to NOT scare you, not putting their arms past the seat back, not invading your space and Sam’s voice seems like he was really trying to be calming.  It was succeeding.  You start to relax, now that you are sure you aren’t about to be raped and killed.  A new dark part of you whispers that you can’t even get enough attention to be raped, let alone have these two very handsome guys paying attention to you.

“Oh.  I get it.  I will call a cab to come get me and I will be out of your way.”  You thought your words were as emotionless as you felt; instead the defeat in your voice betrayed you.  You realize not only do you still have on your pjs and slippers; you do not have your wallet or phone.  Sam held your phone out with raised eyebrows.  “ Here’s your phone, we were trying to find someone to help you. We grabbed some things for you, they are in the back”  

“No one helps me, they only want me to help them.  I can walk back.”  You are just so numb.  You just want to be in your bed, holding… no.  You can’t go back without her.  There was a nosy old biddy who would probably love to call the cops if she felt something was off.  She was always trying to get your to confess who the father was, tried to shame you whenever she saw you with “your little bastard”.  She did not believe a woman would want a child by herself, and only believed you were a slut.  You wondered what she had thought about the fact no man ever visited your home.

“Damn it, damn it, damn IT!” The explosion from Dean startled you. Sam immediately shot a look at his brother to watch it, but was surprised at Dean’s chagrin.  “She can’t go back.  The cops won’t believe her, there is no body, and there is no one to..”

“WHAT!?”  You scream at Dean, “What do you mean there is no BODY? Where is my little girl you supreme ass-“

Sam practically jumped over the seat.  “Wait. We wouldn’t have left her like that. The beast can carry a type of infection, so we had to burn it.  We also had to cremate your daughter, to be safe and to protect you.”  “WHAT?!  Why?” This did not make you feel better, just more afraid.  Sam quickly explained that there would have been too many questions from a medical examiner, and without the body of the thing… it would look like you killed her. That even you being in town without her would raise horrible questions.  They did gather up her ashes for you.  She was in the back with your stuff.

“So without being able to talk to you, or leave you in a safe situation, we brought you until we could figure out what to do with you.  We just have to get to our friend we will get you a separate room, help him then we can talk about what you want to do.  You are safe.  We will help you figure out what you want to do as soon as we’re done.”  As you take calming breaths and force yourself not to starting crying again, you lose the battle.

Figuring you were mostly up to speed, and past the freaking out stage, Dean pulls back out onto the lonely road.  As you feel the blissful blankness of exhausted sleep roll over you, as you hear Dean whisper, it confuses you.   “We have to keep her.  Sam, you know we do.”  “I know Dean, but only as long as she wants us to.  I think she’s too used to being alone.”  No one ever wanted to keep you before.  No one worried about you, not since Nana, why these two?

*****

You start to surface as you feel the car pull into a stop.  The front doors open (one squeaked) and feel the weight of the guys get out of the car.  “You get the rooms, I will get our stuff together and get her to bed.”  Someone else has it covered, someone else is taking care of what needs to be taken care of and for once it isn’t you.  Even as your mind boggles at the thought, a hint of grief appears.  You are too sleepy to remember what or why, but allow yourself to fall back into sleep’s arms and away from bad things.

The door you were leaning on opens, nearly dropping you to the pavement.  Sam quickly maneuvers to support your shoulders and sweeps your legs up, carrying you into a cheap motel room.  You swim through the sleep, struggling to understand.  Sam picked you up.  No Sam SWOOPED you up, like a freaking prince charming!  Like the pregnancy weight you never bothered to lose (what for?) wasn’t even there.  Even as he lowers you onto a double bed, you just can’t reconcile it.  No one ever picked you up to hug or kiss you, probably in fear of hurting themselves.  Sam did not even grunt once.  You did not know it was possible for someone to make you feel petite or feminine.  You stare at his soft brown eyes in confusion. Nothing about this made sense.

Sam smiled at you in relief, “Oh, good you’re awake.  We were getting worried about you.”  Sam stepped out the open doorway and you see him grab a bag out of the trunk of the car. You finally got to see the car you have been riding in.  Black shiny old school mussel car.  Your knowledge of cars was very limited, but you recognize the style and appreciate what good condition it was in.  “I grabbed a few things for you, I did not see any medications, thought you would like to have something to change into.”  You look down, there is your pretty flowered gym bag and you realize that you were out of it, cause you did not even think about clothes.  But now all you wanted to do was brush your teeth.

“Dean and I need to go see our friend right away.  The rooms are paid for the next two nights, if we don’t come back.  We expect to be back before light.  We also picked up some supplies, if you need anything, we can pick up more tomorrow.”  Before you could think to ask any questions, he was back out the door.  You could here the car revving and Dean saying something about how the friend was able to kill it but needed help cleaning up.  The rocks kicked up peppered your door.

*****

And you were alone. Again.

The water was surprisingly hot, plentiful and with decent pressure.  Your experience with cheap motels usually left you wanting to leave right away, merely a pit stop to wherever your destination was.  This one was surprisingly clean.  Worn out, used, dated but clean.  You had to regroup.  You had to make decisions.  You had a funeral to plan; wait.  Where was Aurora?  You start to feel anxiety pushing over your good sense and prickle your scalp.  That would not help you.  You have to put emotions aside and make plans.  Plans to escape?  They left you in your own room; you saw them put bags into the room next door. They may have left you, without transportation, but they also left your phone.  As you dig into your bag for clothes, you had to laugh.

This bark of a laugh just erupted out of you.  There was no bra.  They remembered socks, 8 pairs in fact, remembered your toothbrush.  There were probably 4 complete outfits in there.  All your yoga pants, which normally never left the house, because you never wanted to inflict your shape on strangers.  Several tops, all the “cute” ones you didn’t wear after Aurora because they were too un-mom-like. You gasp when you see a thin, silver chain.  They grabbed your favorite necklace from your bed stand. It was the Goddess, given to you by Nana after you dedicated yourself to Wicca.  The last thing you had of her, thanks to poor estate planning.

As you feel the necklace settle, you sit down hard on the bed.  It hits you like a train.  You life is over.  Then your fathers voice from childhood memory floated forward.  “Never give up on life, give up on the day.  When it gets bad, go to sleep early.  Then the day is over, you get sleep and can deal with whatever fresh in the morning.  And there is always another day to start over, to start better.”  You did not remember much, but you remember his saying. It is what kept you going when things got tough.  You couldn’t think of anything more awful than the last 24 hours.  But he was right, tomorrow was another day to start better.

You were never the type of gal to grab a guy’s attention, let alone devotion.  You never had the epic teenage love, the tragic college guy or even many of the lonely one-night stands.  You got dates, but usually ended up hearing about how great you were, for someone else.  You got put into sister category too often to be able to picture a wedding or a family. After the accident you were raised by your grandma, a distracted lonely but loving environment, until your freshman year at college when she had her aneurism.  That day, you decided not to wait for your prince charming and started to save, scrimp and plan to make your future for YOU.  You could plan, you could research, you could be a mom.  So after years, on your 35thbirthday, and by yourself, you went to your doctors office and got lucky on the first cycle.  Everything was a beautiful dream, on your own.

You had the whole night to do nothing more than think.  Left alone, more alone than you can ever remember, you decide that you don’t want to be alone anymore.  You decide once you get home you will get a pound puppy.  Do some good, help someone, take care of and love something.  You can’t fall down, you want Aurora to look down and see you carrying on.  You may not be able to mother anymore, but you can still be a good to her mother. You will go on, because to do less would be an insult to her brief life.

You made your decision. You would carry on.  Look for meaning, look to help others, be the good that a monster took out of this life.  You could plan.  No, that was too simple of a way to put it.  You had a way of figuring out what you wanted to do, what would have to happen to allow you to do what you wanted to do.  You loved lists, checklists, plans.  Whenever life got to be too much, you planned your way into something better. After all, as long as it only depended on you, you could make anything happen.  Other people messed up plans, rarely helped, and mostly just made you feel worse.  So ya, you were alone, but you have always been alone.  So nothing new other than the grief.

*****

The boys were driving to the motel.  Their fellow hunter, Jeffrey, was not very skilled.  He thought he killed the monster, but did not realize they always hunted in pairs.  Luckily Dean saw it creeping up on Jeffrey as he was burning the body of the first one, one shot one kill.  Easy enough to add the second body to the pyre, sweep for any others.  Destroy any evidence of monster, but leave enough for people to have closure about their missing loved ones.

The road was quiet, and for once Dean did not have the radio on.  “Dean, why didn’t we leave y/n with a friend?  It wouldn’t have taken long.”  “Sammy, the closest person we trust is Jodi.  Do you really want to take a freshly grieving mother to Jodi?  Make her relive her own worst day?  I can’t do that to her.”

“Well, then what are we going to do with her?  We can’t keep her.”

“Why not?”  An idea came to Dean, but it probably wouldn’t work,

“What?!  Keep her?  What are you talking about?  Dean, our lives don’t let us have friends who are just friends.  Its too dangerous for those who don’t know.”

“So we tell her, teach her, so she can protect herself.”

“Dean, I am pretty sure she can take care of herself just fine.  She appeared to be doing just that when we found her.  She can go back, explain Aurora died while on vacation and was cremated. There are grief support groups, her life to help her though.”

“Sam, this IS a sad day when you miss such obvious signs.”

“What?!”

“Sam.  Really? Ok lets think.  Where was her husband, her partner, the father?”

“From what I saw there is no man in her life.”

“And her friends, how many are there?”  Dean started to smile, for once he was the one who noticed and loved showing his brainy brother up.

“Um..”  “Exactly!  That’s my point!”  “Explain.”

“While you were digging thru her desk looking for who to call, I looked in her diary.  I know, I know, huge privacy break. But it would have told us who was the most important person, who would help her deal.  There is no one.”

“What do you mean, no one.”

“No one, Sam.  You and me, we have each other till the end of the line.  We have friends who help out when the shit hits the fan.  She had no one.  She did not hang out with coworkers after work, she did not have dates, she only took care of her kid.  In her diary she said she did that test tube crap to have the kid.  That people who she thought were friends were turned their back on her when she had her child, cause she was no longer their designated driver all night long.  Can you believe that shit?!  There is no one.  She just moved to this new town to get away from nasty gossips and moved right next to another one who was making this town miserable as well.”

“Dean, I get it.  It sucks, but it is her life.”

“Exactly my point again.” “How so?”

“She lived for the kid. What is she going to do now?  Go back to the town that thought awful things about her and explain her daughter’s gone?  Go back to the house where her kid was killed?  There is nothing there for her now.  She is alone.”  Sam speared Dean with a penetrating look, Dean was looking like he was almost getting away with something.  “I mean, we have extra rooms, and I think for as long as she needs… sheshouldstaywithus.” Dean suddenly was very concerned with finding a radio station.

Sam was surprised, normally he was the one who wanted to bring home the wounded and care for them. There was something about this situation that made Dean act so strangely.  Normally he was the one arguing about not just walking away after the job was done. He was the one who made sure there was loving support when they walked away.  Most of the time they were trying to get away fast, so it was only a talk to your preacher or tell people it was a car accident, it will explain away more. Dean normally did not do this. Strange.  Sam agreed to offer the sanctuary to their wounded bird, but only if she wanted to.

[cutemeat]

tbh I don’t believe the whole Mandy/Brian Jr double life thing I rlly think Dennis just made all that up to try n get money/approval from Frank n roped some poor random single mom into his weird Fargo-inspired Scheme (he rlly just generally seemed Way too in control for what the situation supposedly was) cuz he didnt rlly care at first until he held that woman’s child in his arms n realized, not that this was his son, that he was no better than Frank. Brian Jr may not be Dennis’ actual son, but in that moment in the alley… Dennis still sees himself in the kid and that pushes him to want to change. To not be just like Frank, roping random women and children (including his own) into his convoluted schemes without any regard for their feelings. Dennis held the kid n realized he didn’t want to do that. So I don’t think he ever really went to North Dakota while he was away, and I do believe that’s whats implied in s13/s14 LOL but thats a whole Other thing, a whole other analysis for some other time..

but Anyway listen. circling back to the original point here, i am aware of the Technical Reasons Dennis came back, idk how much RCG is still following the threads of this narrative— but I think having a son would just strike too much of a nerve for Dennis. He feels more at ease with Abby because she reminds him of himself, but he doesn’t SEE himself when she looks back at him. Like down to subtle details like Brian Jr having blue eyes (closer to Dennis’ own) whereas Abby has brown eyes. n I think that’s kind of the crucial difference, that Dennis doesn’t visually see himself. Cuz Dennis is esp the kind of person who doesn’t actually like seeing themselves in the mirror despite the confidence they try to overcompensate their insecurities with lol. At least, since they often apply very Freudian logic to these characters it wouldn’t surprise me if this were the case… Like genuinely I think both Dennis/Mac WANT to be parents, but they could not handle a son cuz they have so much unresolved trauma as sons of abusive/neglectful fathers themselves. Since they won’t work thru that, they just can’t handle the idea of having a son. Spontaneously becoming Girldads tho..? yes :)

Mac n Dennis just have Too Many pre-conceived unhealthy ideas about raising a son. With a daughter they’d be totally thrown off n in new territory so that’s the only reason it’d work for them..

not saying thats Gonna Happen on the show or anything, but if Macden ever became parents I personally think this is the way it would go (with the most potential for like.. some fresh storylines at least. cuz again i just think with a son it’s clear how that would go with how they currently are) like thats my pitch LOL…

thinking abt how important Abby was to Dennis’ ability to like.. become more self aware in s12 n therefore having this realization that he has this desire to change things. Like Dennis probably loathes his childhood self, is probably just as hard on himself as Frank for not being who his father wanted him to be, even if he couldn’t admit it to himself yet.. but when he saw himself in Abby… he litrlly got this opportunity to like. Heal.. but not even in the typically self-serving way he does. Dennis tells her the kinds of things that Dennis probably always wanted to hear from his father but never did— that she has talent, that she deserves better. And Dennis wasn’t even having to project! like he just found that connection with Abby n enjoyed spending time with her n had fun without being overbearing or self-centered… like . jesus it just GETS to me man!!!!

[galimatios]

t/a rambles 1

back on my bullshit part 1

... should look into the tactics ogre games for novel inspo bc my novel is also a political drama ... UNINTENTIONALLY actually id call it a coming of age story in rhe new adult genre since mc is probably 23-25 i have so many feelings about the novel ugh i love my ocs so much and i put them all om opposing sides for this novel the most complex relationship i have in it i think is alex and his mother or rather prince kreutzer in this au queen elaine and her son prince kreutzer .. god its so fucked up bc kreutzer loves his mother- he was largely isolated as a child and his mother was always so loving and sweet and they were so so close but the prince never knew of the shit his mother did as queen she is a tyrant she must have lost a child once. a princess, i think probably to the king who she may have ... overthrew or usurped maybe but regardless of that shes in power now and because she lost a child she became overly protective of kreu and consolidated her power heard of a plot to infiltrate her kingdom and assassinate the son of the previous tyrant king (?) and she just fucking ruled with an iron fist because she has so little trust in the goodness of people that she thinks the only way to achieve good is to force it and as a result she kills anyone who steps out of line thus making the people resent her deeply but to kreutzer shes his mother his loving and doting mother who does all she can to protect him the novel actually starts um after the queen is assassinated h a its not her story but shes a big part of it even after her death bc a big portion of the theme is like coming to terms with the complexity of individuals no one is all good or all bad and kreu starts out unable to understand this he has a very black and white view of moralitt like his mother at the beginning on his coronation day theres an assassination attempt made on him but he gets whisked away by the court jester after that a coup is staged and rebels take over the country and the prince is forced to hide with a traveling circus that the jester brings him to where every performer... is a fugitive or criminal! and thats where his personal growth really begins bc he learns abt these people and realizes his world view was wrong people are complex people do bad things... for just reasons and vice versa esp Keith who makes a major appearance in the novel his entire bg story takes place outside the novel as well hahaha but its a lot after a raid on his village, hes orphaned along w his little sister who is ill so to make ends meet / buy medicine he does literally every fucking crime under the sun starting off with petty theft and scaling up to murder literally sacrificing every last shred of innocence he has for the sake of his ailing sister who... dies anyway! and im thinking, tbh, its a fantine/cosette/thenardiers type sitch where this quack doctor is basically scamming him except instead of fantine dying cosette does anyway thats where he fucking hits rock bottom he could handle things as long as he had someone to fight for you know he was alright with it bc his sister was there, his saving grace but when she dies hes all alone thats probably when lydia finds him i imagine he would he on the verge of suicide or at the very least dying of self imposed starvation and neglect but honestly probably suicide julie's death on top of the crushinf weight of all the crimes hes committed the innocence he lost, the lives he took its just way too much and hes just a naive kid lydia finds him and takes him back to the circus takes care of him gives him food and water and shelter and slowly tries to reach him slowly teaching him that there is still life to be lived that he is so young, and it is far too soon for him to lay down and die that he should live for his dead family, because that is what they would want to keep their memory alive in his heart and he begins to come around slowly starts doing chores for the troup then he finally sees one of their performances acrobats and the trapeze and the glitz and the glamor its the first time in years where he ... wasnt thinking about his dead sister or his trauma he asks lydia to teach him how to "do that" he says while pointing at the stage and so she does and ever since then hes taken up performing full time as a .. daredevil type act doing outrageously dangerous things for the thrill of it it excites him, the risk he loves to see how close to the edge of death he can walk without falling and it fuels him makes him enjoy being alive again and he's.. happy god by the time you meet keith in the novel he's just this happy go lucky teen with this smugness about him a kind of dangerousness belying a sweet exterior he's all jokes and laughs at this point and you'd never be able to tell what he went thru at first glance or at all really bc honestly, at this point he honest to god is okay lies and dirt - Last Thursday at 6:00 AM he... doesnt need anyone's pity. he doesn't need anything but the feeling of being alive now and one of the major points of the novel is prince kreu's relationship with him... bc at first they really clash and kreu is just... he's a fucking criminal and all of then deserve to hang keith plays this off w jokes at first but kreu keeps being antagonistic bc he just cant believe a criminal like him is getting away without punishment but then one day keith snaps at him knife to the prince's throat dangerous, cat like eyes, the usual smile on his face no where to be found you're right. i'm a thief. a liar. a criminal. a murderer. i'm all those things. but i'll tell you one thing, prince: i'm not worthless. he pulls the knife away and walks off leaving the prince stunned after this lydia talks to kreu explaining that maybe he shouldn't judge keith so quickly hinting that the circumstances of his life were... not ideal when i first found him, he was already half dead. perhaps not physically, but in the eyes. you could see the reaper in them. hhmgmgn i need to think more abt the circumstances around this scene ah keith must have been looking for a good place to die

the music from the circus reminded him of better days, when he played songs with his family. i imagine him.. outside the tent, somewhere obscured and there's music flowing from its interior... he's tired. he sits down against a barrel and he's been starving, exhausted... letting sleep take him away on the songs from the circus back to a time he used to be happy...

lydia fines him and shakes him but his eyes look glassy and he's unresponsive

he's taken poison must have been something from his former days working as an assassin something he saved for himself just in case and that's when lydia takes him in and nurses him back to health she's a water mage w healing capabilities so she's able to do it and i imagine at first keith is hurt, angry why am i still alive? i im fucking myself up in the feels i hate this THIS ISNT EBEN IN THE FUCKINF BOOK IT ALL HAPPENS BEFORE IT KEITJS NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER HERE BUT IM SO FUCKED UP ugh after kreutzer learns a bit abt keiiths origins he actually thinks a lot. and tries to make amends. apologizes to keith who doesnt say anything much he's sitting, eyes away from the prince, fiddling with the knives he uses for his performances

"a raid took my parents away. illness took away my sister."

"i did a lot of things for money. most of it i'm not proud of. but i would have done anything to save her... you know?"

"you've got someone you love too, don't you?" kreutzer thinks of his mother. the surrogate brother who disappeared on him and never returned "i do." "then, you get it." after this they start to really bond almost as siblings.. which is really funny bc kreutzer doesnt need to be protective of keith keith can MORE THAN take care of himself but its new for kreutzer to feel.. responsibility for someone else like this he was always the one protected before keith laughs at this a lot what're you trying to do? be my big bro? but secretly he ...really likes having family again as idiotic as kreutzer is ofc lydia has always been there for him but as a surrogate mother an older sib is new and.. kind of nice in canon modern au they really are basically bros LOL actually cousins via mothers but alex/kreu goes to live w keiths family after his mom (lain) dies so they essentially grow up like brothers i didn't even get started w the fucking mess that is alan and kreutzer alan goes by calisto also and he hes the court jester but he was trained from a young age as a snake in the kings court he was supposed to kill the prince when the time was right but alan and his dumb fucking gay ass FALLS IN LOVE WITH HIM INSTEAD spoiler alert: its unrequited btwn alex and alan is NEVER requited in ALL aus its because alan ... doesnt love himself at all. he has no sense of... purpose or identity alex can never love someone like that but either way he becomes the prince's personal servant and entertainer and this idiot falls for him the naivete he displays, the timid stateliness, the unfitting title of prince bestowed on his shoulders- kreutzer is far too soft to be the leader of this kingdom and alan increasingly has the desire to protect him even as kreu grows older and more skilled in his studies there is always the anxious trepidation they also grow up together from around ages 11-present at the time of the novels start god alan loves him so much it hurts me but its so one sided alex loves cyrus in modern au ): alan could never be more than just a phase tbh poor guy alan and his low self esteem and depression the worst part of this thougg is that because alan feels aimless and without purpose when he falls for kreutzer he ... finally has his OWN cause to fight for and he takes it to the extreme betraying everyone that trusted him to do his job for the sake of a man who wont ever love him it bites him in the ass too bc i kill him off as a catalyst for other stuff h ahahahhahahahahahahaha not just kill him off but horribly because HE FUCKING BETRAYED HIS ENTIRE SIDE THEY ARE, UNDERSTANDABLY, PISSED Alan is so fuckong flawed hes a fuckinf mess and i love it ugh im thinkijg of another scene in the novel once kreutzer gets captured bt the coup rebels he actuallt submits himself voluntarily bc keith gets kidnapped and used as ransom keith tells him hes a fucking idiot keiths life doesnt matter dont fucking come for me! but kreu doesnt listen obviously and they torture kreutzer bc i love suffering and after that they make him listen in a mock trial to the testimonials of all the people hurt by his mother death to the queen! death to elaine of koel! all the horrible stories of lives unjustly cut short because of his mother it breaks him because he loves his mother so much but she's done all these horrible things he doesn't know what to do how to make amends the damage was done and he takes their wrath their scorn and anguish and i'm sorry as if sorry could ever fix anything but it is his burden to carry, his punishment to suffer in place of the queen ironically this makes lilya have a change of heart she was infiltrating the queens court just as alan did and she is directly responsible for her death her assassination, i think or the king's? either way shes part of the rebel forces and she DESPISES the queen good fucking riddance as far as she's concerned that woman made her life hell(edited) so she can rot in it for all lilya cares for but seeing kreutzer there bloodied tortured sobbing broken and taking the punishment doled out to him without so much as a word of protest(edited) she thinks... this... isnt right this is wrong. because kreutzer was not responsible for the sins of his mother as much as people want to blame him, take out their anger on him lilya was at first all gung ho about ending the royal bloodline lies and dirt - Last Thursday at 7:02 AM but she reconsiders this moment feels something tugging at her this isnt right

she remembers her sister back at the circus— lydia. who she always loved dearly but clashed with, leading to her abandoning the circus and joining the rebellion.

retribution is deserved, but should it be served? what then makes us different from our oppressors?

or sth like that so she rescues kreutzer takes him back to the circus. and reunites with her sister after so many years after that ik not entirely sure what to do w the novel LOL bc i know there has to he a big battle bc the rebellion forces begin to quell opposition like how the communist regime in other countries started in ernest bc people felt oppressed but then they went too far and started culling the middle class so then kreutzer leads his own rebellion force against them to take back the country then once he wins he uses his kinghood to dissolve the monarchy and embrace democracy instead asking lydia to lead hes much too tired to lead, and she is much better suited for it but hm inhabe to think more about that entire segment after this he takes over lydias spot in the circus as its owner and organizer and with keith he spends the rest of his days helping people just like keith also they properly mourn alans death it takes forever for kreu to come to terms w his mothers assassination and crimes he probably never truly works it out but he begins to be able to recognize that she is both the tyrant queen and his loving mother that they do not cancel eachother out, that they are not mutually exclusive they are one in the same UGH IM SO UPSET I WISH ID FUCKING WRITE THIS BC I WANT TO FUCKING READ IT the message i wanna convey is like people.. are complex, imperfect, and the systems they create are also subjected to that but everyone does things for a reason. no matter what that reason is and i want lydia to address this too when she becomes the new prime minister of koel a democracy is not perfect, because man is not perfect. there will be hardship, mistakes made along the way. but together we can grow, improve, and learn about one another— and better our society for it. and i believe anywhere injustice goes, justice will always follow(edited) sth like that ig

[confusingmypolarity]

unemployment, sexism, and ableism

so...i’m currently unemployed.  i have not been this broke or poor or uncomfortable ever in my life^.  i am also facing it from a third culture homeschool “graduate” background, with a heavy dose of christian fundamentalism/recent sexual-and-relationship trauma.

things i am noticing:

i am convinced that my family sees me as lazy and a freeloader and a leech and all that jazz. because that is how they talked about ppl on welfare growing up. but it seems that is only the OTHER ppl and their (ostensibly) girl-child is exempt from this contempt.

conversely, i am a failure and lazy and it’s my fault bc i had sex before marriage and got raped and smoke pot and drink booze and like girls. i think. we haven’t actually sat down and discussed if they think i am unlucky or have made Bad Choices (tm) - i have, however, been specifically told not to talk to my younger siblings about my rape or my sexual “preference”.

side note - i wonder what the genetics of queerness is and what number of kids told to remain closeted were told that by a closeted parent....

strangers either instantly empathize and understand (because they themself have experienced it while sharing similar marginalizations)or instantly asked “have you done xyz” to find a new job, as if i could and should do more try harder as if mere existence is not reason enough to survive and thrive as if i deserve it if i don’t try hard enough

you feel guilty. like anyone who hands you a tenner deserves an exact account of everything you have ever spent and why you are so far underwater that you can’t breathe and you’re head and heart are screaming so loud you think you will never hear anything else again 

being both unwilling and unable at times, willing but unable, and unwilling but able - all at the same and different times.

when you know there are very fucking important and even urgent things to be done and you just can’t access the part of your brain the a) gives a fuck or b) knows what to do about it.

the “social net” system is literally designed to frustrate and humiliate you has much as possible while providing minimal actual assistance and providing literally NO ONE for a third culture kid who fell ALL THE WAY thru the cracks

i honestly don’t know if i deserve my current fate.  i know i hate it.  i know i can learn from it.  and i know that i have Opinions about it and how The World Should Be and fuck every bit of injustice and inequality in the world.

^this is an astounding example of how much privilege i have to unpack.  white privilege, financial stability (not glamorous but we never went hungry),i’m prolly missing something.