#points it at me it’s kinda terrifying’ and ‘mom still deadnames me so try to avoid saying my name please’

[pzos-amiserableidiot]

Idk what this says about me but I love saying mildly concerning things to adults I’ve like started trusted or liking

[roboromantic]

speaking of religious stuff time 2 talk about the wedding

so ok I knew my dad’s fiancee is a member of the United Methodist Church and that he’s joined them. and I think I wrote something before about how painful it was to see my dad just casually dismiss the extreme fundamentalism HE RAISED US IN. like I’m sure he’s been going through his own process of unlearning stuff and figuring out his own religious journey

but also. felicia was kinda The driving force behind our fundamentalist upbringing and after the divorce he more or less backslid and eventually stopped going to church. partly bc they got rid of the preacher and the whole church started going in a direction he wasn’t fond of but my point is that if religion was THAT important to him, he almost certainly could’ve found somewhere else to go long before he met his fiancee

so it feels like a red flag to me that he started getting more religious once he started dating her. it SHOULDN’T, I mean obviously people change to accommodate their loved ones and I highly doubt his wife was like, pressuring him into joining bc she’s infinitely more chill than felicia

but basically all this to say that I knew the wedding was gonna be at their church but it was really surprising to me just how Christian it was? my dad’s been a bit more outwardly Christian but neither he nor his wife have really made a big deal out of it so when their vows genuinely sounded like those memes about having Jesus as a third it was really shocking to me

and I think part of it is definitely due to me being raised CoC, I still have a hard time wrapping my head around the idea that people can be devout casual Christians, if that makes sense.   I guess it’s almost kinda the opposite of what that post was saying - practicing Christianity WAS very much a cultural thing that permeated every aspect of my life growing up, so the idea that one can be Christian without actually seeming (to me, anyway) to do anything Christian outside of maybe holidays & life events Does Not Compute.         It’s something I’m still trying to unlearn.

anyway the stuff by the pastor was a bit uncomfortable but more or less what I was expecting so it didn’t really bother me

(btw I keep referring to her as my dad’s wife bc I mean, technically yeah she’s my step-mom and she’s a very nice woman and I have nothing against her, but she’s not exactly going to be occupying a “motherly” role in my life. also it just feels Weird)

at the reception her family invited us to visit the church some time and asked us if we had a “home church” or st and me (Jewish) and my brothers (pagan and atheist(?)) just kinda looked at each other and were like “not at the moment”

idk how exactly one’s supposed to handle that but I don’t think it’ll come up too often since I doubt I’m going to be interacting with any of her family members besides her mom (whom I’ve met a few times already and has Also not been pushy about religion) and maybe her sister.

as the groom’s kids we had a few guests come up and mingle and among them was a couple from a church we used to go to; my dad’s stayed in touch with them for a while bc the husband’s also into music stuff but it was Mildly Terrifying to realize I haven’t seen these people in over a decade and they could deadname me at any second or make a big deal about my transition.  luckily neither of those things happened (that I know of anyway) but. hhhh.

last thing isn’t actually super related to religion but my dad met his wife through this German band they’re both in, so ofc the other members played at the reception in full gear and invited us to do various dances   and it really caught me off guard when they were like “okay this time we’re going to Schunklen” (or something to that effect.) At the time it sounded like they said “shuckling” and I was like.   huh.   obviously Yiddish and German are related and it didn’t take long to realize that they almost certainly come from the same kinda root word that meant st like “swaying” but boy did it throw me for a loop

[vaguelygeiszlerian]

1 to 50

ok i just saw this existed, i live on tumblr mobile where i ignore the activity tab and scroll endlessly, bear w me

Animated character that was your gay awakening? uhhhhhhh,,,....,,,.. if i remembered anything abt my childhood i would tell u, im gonna say rukia from bleach because i want gorgeous short people to step on me

Grilled cheese or PB&J? peanut butter Always... tho if it was a fancy grilled cheese (there is a special preparation).... i would be torn

What show/YouTube video(s) do you put on in the background when you when you don’t have anything to watch but you want something on? it really depends! i bounce around, i watch a lot of baumgartner restorations, i watch a LOT of nyx fears video essays on horror movies i would never watch, i watch longplays of, like, nier automata bc im still delighted by cryaotic?

Your go-to bar order, if you drink? i dont really get to order a lot of drinks at bars, itll depend, if im with friends ill order as many things off the cocktail menu as my money allows, if im with my parents ill order long island iced teas or whiskey and lemonade

What’s your favorite pair of shoes that you own? i literally own like 3 pairs of shoes, one of which being the only pair i can actually safely wear haha.... but my favorite pair is the black red and gold converse that dont fit anymore but still remind me of high school

Top three cuisines? mexican, italian, whomever the fuck invented kasoundi

What was your first word as a child (that wasn’t a variation of “Mom” or “Dad”)? yeah as said above i have no clue about anything about my childhood so idk i think mum said once that my first proper word was just ‘no’ which sounds abt right

What’s a job that you’ve had that people might be surprised to find out you’ve had? idk if my last job counts? i mean i used to do all round garden labor stuff until my pain got worse and i literally couldnt anymore so i got relegated to desk work

Look up. What’s directly across from you? oh a container of pesto i didnt like the flavour of and just... forgot to throw out.... i will do that tomorrow

Do you own any signed books/memorabilia in general? i have a rwby poster signed by ray and jack? its p cool

Preferred way to spend a rainy day? preferred right now? wrapped in a metric fuckton of blankets w my partner

What do you get on your bagels? What WOULD you get if you had access to anything you wanted? i..... dont like bagels

Brunch or midnight snacks? i live a weirdly scheduled life, midnight snacks and brunch are interchangeable to me now, so both

Favorite mug you own i..... dont really have one? all of my actual mugs that are mine have my deadname on them haha

What coffee drink would you describe yourself as? overbrewed black coffee that someone left to go cold before dumping six packs of sugar in

Pick a song lyric to describe your current mood (and drop the name and artist!) ‘ And I don't want your pity I just want somebody near me ‘ bc we all love a bit of mitski when we are feeling the self isolation creeping in

Fruity or herbal teas? fruity teas only! or rather i drink fruit tisanes! but if you mean actual tea then herbal, i only drink peppermint tea

What’s that one TV show that you’re a little bit embarrassed to watch but you still like nonetheless? fruits basket! everyone watch the reboot

That book you were forced to read for class but actually ended up enjoying? all the books i read for class sucked but medea wasnt so bad

Do you match your socks? only when theyre very fun patterned socks, and even then sometimes i will match them to the wrong pair but the same pattern, aka my double watermelon combo (i have a pair of green socks w watermelons and a pair of black socks w watermelons so)

Have you ever been horseback riding? no and i never will because i am fucking terrified of horses

What was your “phase” when you were younger? (i.e., Mythology Nerd, Horse Girl, Space Geek, etc) uh.... uh i mean im not sure if it counts as a phase but i was stupid into vampires (to the point of me and my friends constructing the intricate theory that our teacher was a vampire and we had to kill her by the time we graduated (she was not and we did not and i hate all of those people now) i was just the weird conspiracy kid i guess, we used to spend every lunch staring across the oval at a house we were SURE an alien lived in (it was just a plastic bag being rustled by a fan)

Have you ever been to jail? bkdnbrb god no

What’s your opinion on Lazy Susan’s (the spinning tray in the middle of tables)? im a lazy susan

Puzzles? i cant solve a rubiks cube but give me a 2000 piece jigsaw and ill sit there for 6 hours trying to solve it

You can only have one juice for the rest of your life, what is it? oh this is tough..... orange juice, the fancy kind but with no bits in it, i used to like the bits but these days i just want a clean juice experience

What section do you immediately head for when you walk into a bookstore? ,,,,,,the ya fiction section, i never buy anything from there but i like to see if series i read as a teenager ever got new instalments after i stopped liking them

What’s one thing you’re trying to learn/relearn in your downtime right now? how to sleep like a normal person

Who’s your go-to musical artist when you’re feeling upbeat? uh, it depends! lizzo or my playlist of musicals! (which is literally just starkid/tcb stuff)

Where could someone find you in a museum? i could literally be anywhere, probably in front of some old piece though, just staring for an hour bc im struck by the majesty of it (and my legs probably locked up so i couldnt move anyway)

What’s that one outfit in your closet you never get the chance to wear but want to? so i have a nice white button up and some really nice jeans i just got, and my suspenders, and my cool blue heels that i know i cant wear bc my legs cant handle walking in heels anymore, but it would look cool am i right

Rainbows, stars, or sunset colored clouds? i look up at my roof which is almost entirely covered in glow in the dark stars and then stare into the camera (i wish every day that my roof was like the roof of the healthy harold van, i still have fucking dreams of that beautiful ceiling)

If you could own any non-traditional pet (dogs, cats, fish, rodents, etc), what would it be? non traditional? id want a lizard that could curl round my shoulders like a leathery scarf

Do you have more art on your walls or more photographs? i dont have any photos on my wall so art by default

You have to get one meme tattooed on your body, what meme is it and where does it go? i just want the pensive emoji tattooed in the small of my back so if i wear a crop top everyone has to suffer with me

Pick a superhero sidekick to hang out with fuck superheroes they suck, can i hang out with jason todd red hood style

Lakes, rivers, or oceans? oceans, i want to go to the beach so fucking bad

Favorite mid-2000s song i dont really have a Big Favorite but like..... i constantly thank god for esteban

How do you dress when you’re home alone? ive been in the same sweatpants and old paint shirt i got from my painting and decorating course for three days

Where do you sit in the living room (we all have a preferred spot, and you know it)? armchair closest to the kitchen, perfect to make a quick escape if dad comes in

Knives or swords? knives, i dont have the upper body strength for swords

A song you didn’t think you’d enjoy but ended up loving? oh uh run away with me by crj, *bwoooooooo buhnuhnuuuuuu buhnuhnuuuuuhhh buhnuhnuuuuhhhhh*

Pick an old-school Disney Channel Original Movie HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL BUT SPECIFICALLY ONLY CERTAIN PARTS FROM EACH OF THEM BC COLLECTIVELY THEY SUCK BUT PARTS OF THEM ARE PERFECT

Are you a “Quote that relates to the photos” caption-er, an “explanation of where I took the photos” caption-er, or a no caption kinda person when you post pictures online? no caption i dont want people to really acknowledge that i post things

Name a classic Vine https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anQds9PQ7CA

What’s the freezer food that you stock up on when you go to the grocery store? hash browns hash browns hash browns ONLY

How do you top your ice cream? god its been so long since ive been able to eat ice cream.... with the reeses peanut butter ice cream shell topping

Do you like Jello? jelly is the pinnacle of our society and i wish i were eating it right now

What’s something that you don’t have a picture of that you wish you did? i wish i had a picture of myself and my partner so i could set it as my phone lock screen (that or i wish i had a picture of me and a friend i really dearly miss bc i have pics of her in my phone but not of us together and i want some but i cant bring myself to say so)

How are you at climbing trees? theres a tree in my front yard i used to be able to hang off but nowadays i think id hurt myself just trying to lift my nasty meat sack off the ground trying

[fluidityandgiggles]

Sleep Is For The Weak - Chapter 2

Previous Chapters: Prologue, Chapter 1

Notes (I guess): I am equally in love and in deep hate with some (a lot) of what’s going on in here, and I am terribly, terribly sorry. And also there are some characters I wanted to explore a bit further than what had been in this part, but... I’m working on it. Give it a bit and I’ll get there. Again, credit to @broadwaytheanimatedseries for screaming at me to write this, and to @whatwashernameagain for Keep Him Safe, and also a tiny tiny lil bit to @anony-phangirl and @asleepybisexual for their general support and for being such great sports about me annoying them with my ideas... (oops).

(I’m trying to find a way to write my notes, so bear with me until I find a way to… it might take a hot minute.)

(KHS) Tag List (sort of): @em-be-lievable, @ultimate-queen-of-fandoms2, @adoratato, @supremestoverlord, @royallyanxious, @madly-handsome, @hanramz-the-fander, @the-incedible-sulk, @poisonedapples, @virge-of-a-breakdown, @winglessnymph, @princeanxious, @smokeyrutilequartz, @im-bad-at-life (if any of you could tag the rest, please do! I’m improving my memory from day to day, but… yeah…)

Tag list: @bunny222, @ab-artist, @secretlyanxiouspersona

Trigger warning: period appropriate transphobia (the early 00s were not exactly trans-friendly). This chapter in particular includes some very heavy misgendering and deadnaming (if you get what I’m saying). Please be careful.

—————

Science of Living Systems 20 actually wasn't as bad as Remy thought it would be. It was rather cool, actually.

Well, at least he hoped it was.

The head of the department was… an interesting individual. Remy met with him during the application process. The man insisted on calling him "Miss Harris" and speaking to and about him in girl pronouns, and Remy understood why.

For some reason, though, Remy expected all the professors to be like that. And not such was the case.

"Rebecca Harris, I want to see you later in my office."

Doctor Gilliam was in his late thirties, called everyone by their first and last names, thought that being single was hilarious, made really bad puns in his lectures (though Remy heard, not as much outside of them), and tried his best to be "hip with the kids". It was worrying, to say the least. And… yeah, Remy was slightly terrified.

"I'm kind of worried, kid," Gilliam said the moment Remy walked in. "You don't look too-"

"Excuse me, Doctor, but I don't know what this is about."

"Have you heard about shadows and personae, Rebecca Harris?" Remy shook his head, terrified to say a word. "Well, it's quite an interesting concept. According to Carl Jung, you'll learn about him later, the persona is the mask you wear in the world. It's what you want others to see. The shadow is your innermost self, the parts of your identity that you wish to hide from others."

"Okay, and?"

"I think your persona might be cracking."

What… was going on?

"I'm not making sense, am I? I'm sorry. There's a lot that goes into that theory and I shouldn't confuse you this much, at least not until we get to it."

Yeah… it was weird.

"So, my point is… you can talk to me if anything is making you uncomfortable, okay?"

"Okay… I guess."

"Well, that is all," Doctor Gilliam said, fixing his glasses.

That… was weird. But okay. If that's how he wants to do things. Remy wasn't going to complain.

He was definitely better than the head of department.

—

There was a knock at the door.

Abby, their RA, was over earlier. Apparently Katherine had a bit of a scene right after class. So naturally, Remy assumed it would be Abby. No one else could be knowing on their door at ten thirty pm-

"We don't have your bunny this time. You can go."

Oh.

"Oh, no, I just…" Remy could hear that… kid? Whatever his name was, from the door. "I just need… I need someone to help me with something. And…"

"Oh. Remy can help."

"No I can't," Remy replied. "I need sleep and so do you!"

"It won't take long, I promise!"

"...fine." Remy got off the couch - the nice, comfy couch, where there was a blanket and his sols20 book - to the door. Where that kid (Emile? Emile) was looking at him with those big blue eyes and…

Yeah, Remy regretted unbinding. (Well, no. He did not. But also kind of did.)

"Hey… Rebecca, right—"

"His name is Remy."

Emile seemed shocked for a moment. Oh shit. "Oh, I'm so sorry! I didn't know. I just… I see you in most of my classes, so… never mind. So… how are you with baking?"

—

"So my sister Julie is LaVeyan—"

"Aren't we supposed to be baking cookies, babe?"

"Yeah, but… the stuff's all in the cabinets and I'm looking!"

Emile was a disaster child, Remy decided after only five minutes alone together. He brought a violin and his bunny to the kitchen in the pursuit of baking cookies - like, what even? - and he just seemed so… energetic? Happy? Whatever the word was. A couple minutes ago he was talking about the cookies, sure, but then he switched it to the importance of guided imagery, and then why Li Shang from Mulan is bisexual, and now… what was he even talking about?

"So my sister is a LaVeyan Satanist," Emile repeated himself, almost climbing on the counter to reach a cabinet. "It's kinda funny, actually. My dad's side of the family are all Catholic, and— can you put the sugar on the countertop, please? Thank you!"

"Sweetie, for the eleventh time this past ten minutes, I understand nothing you're saying."

"Am I speaking another language or something? Because if so I'm sorry!"

"No, it's just…" How does he not hurt his feelings? "It's just… you talk fast and about a lot of subjects at the same time."

"Oh. Okay. Sorry."

Maybe he thought Remy couldn't hear, but there was definitely a "this is just one of the things that are wrong about me" thrown in the air.

Emile didn't speak to him for the rest of the process. Maybe once or twice he pointed out a step or an ingredient, but overall he did not speak. At all. And then the cookies were in the oven…

And then he pulled out his violin.

"Is this really necessary?"

"I'm not talking to you."

"Emile, is it because of something I said?" Emile, still pouting (as he had been for a good hour and some now), nodded. "Well, I'm sorry. Please don't silent treatment me."

"I talk too fast and too much."

"Not what I said. I just said I can't follow you. I didn't say it's your fault. Please don't—"

Emile pretty much just ignored Remy (uhh, rude!) and positioned his violin, and started to play something… quite angrily.

After a minute and a half Remy recognized it as Once Upon a Dream from Sleeping Beauty.

After another three minutes, he dared open his mouth again. "I'm sorry I said that. I didn't mean to. Do you accept my apology?"

"...fine."

It was not fine. Absolutely not.

"Thanks for the help with the cookies," he said as they separated at the top of the stairs, all one-hundred-and-ninety cookies (Emile insisted on quadrupling the recipe) safely packed in plastic boxes and hidden away. "I… I'm gonna go now."

"Emile, please." He turned around, still looking quite pissed. (It was probably the hour, Remy tried telling himself. It's already past one am. This is not good.) "Are you mad that I said I'm confused?"

"To be honest with you, yes! Yes, I'm mad. I know it wasn't your intention but I heard you say shut the fuck up when you said that. And it hurt. Very badly."

...oh.

"I'm going to forgive you, but it's going to take me a bit, so please don't be mad at me, okay?" Emile honestly looked close to tears. "Good night, Remy. I'll see you in living systems tomorrow."

And then he went to his suite, violin and bunny with him.

Remy just got himself into a huge mess.

—

It was a beautiful afternoon in Boston when Remy found himself at the rather posh Italian place his mom wanted to meet at.

Before their divorce in late 1999, just after Remy turned fifteen, his father started contacting a charity organization dedicated to help transgender youth. He educated himself. Tried to educate his wife as well. But… apparently it was the last straw for Linda. The very night he tried to even just explain that it's not her fault, that it's how he was born, she packed up her things and left.

The divorce papers came in less than two months later. The divorce was finalized in November 1999. Remy did not see her since.

(Yeah… that was a lie. He actually hasn't seen her since Christmas 2001. But that was still a very long time. Almost a year is a long time.)

"Well, at least the weather's nice." And there she was with her new boy toy. Glamorous as ever, with her stupidly huge sunglasses and her bright red (disgustingly fake, makes India's hair seem real) curly bob, looking exactly the same as she did that day Remy came out to her.

A few hours later, though. When she thought he was asleep and left the house to go to some party.

"Well, at least you're still not very nice, Linda," he said with a smirk as he sat down next to her boy toy (he actually looks kinda nice, for a forty-something year old). "But much unlike the weather, I don't think this is a thing that can change so easily."

"Where are your manners, Rebecca?"

"The same place those diamond earrings you forgot when you left us are. At home with Dad, probably watching South Park."

"Well, at least we left the girls at home." Linda took off her sunglasses and replaced them with a normal, frameless pair of glasses. "I don't believe you met Stephen before, Rebecca."

"I don't believe I've met a Rebecca before, Linda."

"Are you ready to order?"

It took about two minutes for all the orders to place (of course Stephen had to order something overly fancy, because why the fuck not) before she started yapping again.

"Rebecca, I didn't ask to see you for you to be so rude to me."

"I didn't ask to see you, period."

"What would you like to be called, then?" Stephen asked. Well…

"Remy. My name is Remy."

"Your name is—"

"My name is not Rebecca! I haven't gone by that name since I was fourteen. Dad never called me that since the day I asked him to call me Remy. You're the only one who ever insisted, how do you think it made me feel?"

"How do you think it made me feel, Rebecca?" Remy hoped no one was looking. "My own daughter. I jeopardized my own high school graduation to have you because your father was dumb enough to forget the condoms. I gave up life-long dreams just to raise you, because that retard of a father you have couldn't. Is this how you repay me?"

There was a very awkward silence, that was broken by an unfamiliar voice - deep, with a southern drawl - and a confused "Rebecca?"

India. Without her makeup, her hair pulled back.

Looking almost perfectly manly.

"Excuse me?" Linda straightened her glasses, glaring at India. Oh, how Remy did not want this to happen… "And you are?"

"Ian McGinty, ma'am. I'm her boyfriend."

Oh.

"Your father didn't tell me you have a boyfriend," Linda spoke slowly.

"Because he doesn't know everything. And my name is still Remy."

"Ethan and I are gonna go now," India said, her voice still lower, still more southern than normal. "Text me when you're done, we'll go get ice cream?"

"...sure."

And then she leaned down and said, in the voice Remy grew to know and absolutely adore, "we're going to talk about this. Don't worry, I got your back."

And then she was gone.

"So a boyfriend, huh?"

"...so how many men have you fucked before meeting Stephen, Linda?"

—

"I'm so sorry about your mom, baby."

India's brother, Ethan, looked nothing like her. Well, he looked like a more manly, less boyish version of ‘manly' India, but also nothing alike. He also didn't talk much. So that was fun.

India took them to get ice cream indeed. (And much like her music taste, her favorite ice cream flavors - burnt caramel and earl grey - were rather… interesting. But she did swear that Toscanini's was probably the best ice cream in Cambridge, and who was Remy to argue with her?)

"It's alright. She's always been like this."

"Doesn't make it alright." Ethan grunted in agreement. "Take it from me, Remy. It's never alright."

"Does he have an Esther?"

India's eyes rolled so far back. "Do you think that every trans person have to have an Esther, Ethan? Do you truly think it's how we realize our identity?"

"It's how you did yours."

"I knew I'm a girl since the moment I understood who I am. Any related accidents after that are purely incidental."

"India, I think I fucked up." She looked up at him from her half-melted ice cream cup. "I told you about Emile, right?"

"You're still stuck on that?" Remy nodded. "Look… that kid told you he forgives you. You saw him in class since then, he didn't say anything to you… you're doing fine, sweetie."

"Is that his real boyfriend?"

"Ethan, shut the fuck up or I'll call mom. Remy…" India turned to play with his hair.

Yeah, it was very calming.

"He sounds like a very sweet kid. Trust me, there's no way you fucked anything up. You'll be okay. You'll get to hang out with him again, and it will be okay. Now eat your ice cream, you have the best ice cream, and then we're going back to your dorm and we're going to watch Priscilla. Or Hedwig. Whatever suits your fancy, okay?"

"...okay."

"Now, let's talk more about your mom and why it isn't okay that she treats you like that."

And for a bit, everything just seemed alright. Well, almost.

[garlique]

all the things i would tell my mom if i went back to my ten year old self with what i know now

under a cut because it got really really long i guess i have a lot to say to her lol

1. hi mom i know i look like yr ten year old but im actually yr 19 year old. im gonna tell u some things i need from u and i need u to write these down and remember them

2. im fucking transgender, i found this out for myself at like 14 or 15. im going to change my name twice; both of my h names are deadnames. my gender is also a lot more complex than i’ll realize it is but with you and dad, i will settle on the name miles and he/him pronouns. please please actually take me to get new clothes when i come out i might tell you i don’t need it but i really really want it. also you and dad for years have nasty habit of calling me the wrong name and pronouns when you get mad at me. i don’t know if it’s because you genuinely want to hurt me by doing it or if it’s just that you still think of me as a girl named ****** and can’t hide it when you’re emotional but jesus christ does it fuck me up. dont do that shit. also pls dont leave me to transition on my own. im a child with a lot of issues and because you help me so little with my transition i’ve been yet unable to get top surgery. im incapable because

3. i am really fucked in the head and idk how much of it is nature vs nurture. i have adhd, am autistic, have *, believe i’ve been depressed my entire life, and have been having panic attacks since i was around 6. i also have cptsd; i dont know if telling you this will make that better, because im already really traumatized. but my first memory in my entire life was sitting on the closed toilet late at night while you brushed your teeth, sobbing because i was having a panic attack and you brushed me off and sent me back to bed where i continued to have a panic attack until i wore myself out enough that i couldnt physically keep my eyes open. which brings me to my next point

4. i need MORE from you. as a 19 year old before this i have SO many issues with trusting people and getting help. i have a form of ptsd which i believe is partly due to what i consider your emotional neglect. i dont know what you can do to make it better because if i did i probably would have asked for it in this timeline. but it really is not my responsibility to make sure YOU can parent me effectively. how are you so unaware of my emotional needs?

5. YOU need to receive mental help. by the time i’m like 15 or 16 you seem from my perspective to hate your life and you LOVE to unload it onto me. i remember telling you SO MANY TIMES that you should see a therapist (i started therapy freshman year) and every single time i suggested it you will say “no i dont need therapy” . which is because you used ME as your therapist. please dont fucking do that to me. you can tell me about your life and your day to day but holy shit the amount of breakdowns i had because of what you told me? please for the love of god you have so much fucking trauma please please please get help this is how generational cycles begin and is the main reason i decided at like 17 to never have kids.

6. in either 5th or 6th grade im going to get lyme disease and im not going to tell you because you told me when i was very young that you hated taking me to the doctors and so im not going to tell you for months that i can’t use one of my arms or that i can’t put weight on one of my legs. if i remember right it first showed up in my right shoulder abt 3 months after YOU injure your shoulder and so when i first tell you my shoulder hurts you tell me that it doesn’t and that i’m just mimicking you. please just take me to the doctor in like february instead of june. im basically fucking crippled as a 19 year old and i think it is in large part because of the lyme disease

7. please for the love of god please please fucking take me to the dentist regularly

8. in 9th grade early/mid december im going to confess to a friend that i am feeling suicidal and she and basically everyone else in my life who finds out is going to handle it terribly. im going to attempt suicide again in the spring of my sophomore year and it’s going to be awful for everybody again. after that attempt you don’t let me shower by myself for three months. i know it’s because you’re scared to lose me but i’m going to tell you a little secret: im terrified of dying. i dont Actually want to die. i just have so little control of my brain that dying or sleeping for a long long time is the only way i can see to get my shit under control. in 8th grade i make friends who are terrible for me and spend my nights talking them out of suicide. here is where i learn how to keep people alive lol. i dont know what you can do to help me that won’t make me hate or resent you but i’m telling you now so that maybe if you have the time you can prepare.

9. abt my mental health: pls take me to get autism/adhd tests n diagnoses. my * diagnosis will b impossible to get before i turn 18 and i am going to try to keep it from u . i promise u tho raising an autistic kid is not as hard as it seems and by now im so fucking traumatized that i’ve already learned to internalize everything

10. when im in high school i forget what year you severely injure yourself and spend a really long time in the hospital and rehab. this is what i feel most guilty about in my entire life: that the time you were gone was literally the easiest few months of my life. right abt two weeks before you do that is when i decide that you weren’t a good parent to me and that i am no longer safe around u; maybe if we can deal with some shit now we can have a better experience. btw i feel like it would b cruel if i didnt tell you so here r the brief details of yr injury **

11. by the time im in college i have constant panic attacks and dissociate heavily for the weeks before i have to leave college to come home. you need to take me seriously, i don’t know what else i can say to make this believable. i’m already real fucked up; you need to change the future for me or it WILL affect me for the rest of my life. i latch on to every woman who’s older than me who’s nicer to me; i think that’s the definition of mommy issues

12. i came back to tell you this because i really do believe you can change. if i thought there was no hope i wouldn’t have bothered telling you this. i think you can change because you DO love me (speaking of which telling me i love you but i don’t like you is? kinda fucked up? maybe don’t say that to a child ever again although i think by now you’ve stopped saying it because that will set me up with some fucked up ideas of love until i really begin to be loved by other people) and i think you want the best for me and i think you would want to change so that i could have a better life. i love you and i believe in you

[daddy5atan]

1,3,5,6 8,10

1. What do you identify as and what are your pronouns? 

I identify as transmasculine and gay, and I use he/him pronouns.

3.Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it? 

I am literally misgendered 80% of the time, even when trying TOO HARD to pass. I’ve noticed that it’s usually people that weren’t born and raised in Canada/this area that actually correct gender me I guess because it’s not as common in other countries?? Idk but anyway I kinda just go : ) and try not to die and then think about it for the rest of the day and maybe cry

5. Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?

I came out more than once and it was a mess. prepare for this, it’s gonna be long. 

The first time I came out was on Twitter to my online friends and it was kind of just like “here’s what’s going on, please respect my choice,” and my friends were either like “awesome, i’m proud of you!” or “i saw this coming!”, it was generally good.

I came out to two teachers who ran QSA, one who had been a teacher of mine twice prior and whom I loved, and the other was one of the guidance counselors who I also grew to love. It was during one of our QSA meetings. I was terrified, red in the face, probably about to have an anxiety attack, and when I finally said it, they were like “oh! okay! what do you want us to call you?” and that was it. then they went “do you feel better now that you told us?” and yes, it felt great, and they were really good about referring to me as Zak and he/him pronouns for the rest of the year (this was in grade 12). I came out to a third teacher, who was another one of my favourite teachers and the head of the newspaper and it basically went “heymissineedtogetpermissiontowriteunderthenamezakbecausei’mtransisthatok” and she just went “sure”.

I came out to my mom while out with on a walk late at night with her. I’d just gotten home from school for Christmas break, and it was just overall shitty because everyone refers to me as Zak and he/him at school, but not at home. She was bitching about how she was getting plastic surgery to fix a scar that never healed right and how i “didn’t understand how it felt to want to change something so badly” and I was like “heh yeah ok” and she kept pushing me to tell her what it was. she was like “IF YOU WANT YOUR BOOBS TO BE SMALLER YOU CAN DO THAT, I DID THAT WHEN I WAS A LITTLE OLDER THAN YOU” and I was like “yes smaller as in non existent” and she made the face equivalent to that white woman trying to solve that math problem meme and she basically told me i was too young and stupid to know i was trans and that i was being a baby and it absolutely could not happen. i was already dating josh at this point, i went home and cried with him about it :)

she eventually accepted it, and the following national coming out day, i announced it on facebook because at that point i was like “NO MORE SECRETS I’M TIRED OF Y’ALL TELLING ME I LOOK LIKE A BOY LIKE IT’S A BAD THING FFS” and it felt good even though all my family and friends were like “omg i’m so proud of you (deadname)!” like rly bitch

6. If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?

See above. 

I’ll also add that most of my family and close friends were like “yeah, i guessed as much,” while my mom said “i thought you were just a butch lesbian” and my dad supposedly knew all along but i don’t believe him because he still hardly speaks english ffs

One of my “”friends”” when i came out in high school though, was like “yeah i’ve known you for so long i can’t just call you zak sorry” and yeah that’s the story of how i no longer interact with someone i used to call my best friend and she still has my walking dead game @ megan give it back 

 8. Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear. 

Overly masculine clothing usually. Like. You know That Clothing™. And also just generally very dark and emo still. 

10. What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?

I don’t wear makeup, because, at the moment, it would just make me dysphoric. I think anyone can wear makeup if they want to, like, it’s your choice entirely and it can be a great way to express yourself and your artistic abilities, but. I’m trying so hard to not be feminine and since it’s so widely considered “”feminine”” I will avoid it until I look masculine enough to still pass while wearing makeup tbh

Send me an LGBTQ+ ask!!

[cosmosogler]

iiiii want to die.

after my shower and my little tirade here this morning i contacted uic and florida for some stuff. i tried to be professional and friendly. but i probably did it wrong.

i had some lunch. it was mac and cheese. i ate less than half of it. i fished up three bottle caps in twenty minutes. i was very suspicious that my game’s rng was acting up again, but i was able to finish hyper training like six guys. so i guess i did something today.

after that i went to pick up asher. i took a look at his room and we talked about the texture of his ceiling. i always enjoy our conversations. the car ride home was basically “traffic tetris” but i tried my best to keep track of the topic. when we got home we talked about jojo and other shows and stuff. dad came in and pointed at the dishwasher. i said “that’s not a request, use your words.” he pointed at it again. then he left. 

i guess i sensed there would be some trouble? i underestimated him though. that was a mistake. like, a big one. i always downplay how mean he can be because mom is so much more consistently an asshole.

anyway asher and i took wiley for a walk. it took forever because we used a route i had not taken wiley on yet and he thought everything was literally amazing. almost every bush had to be fully inspected. asher saw my bug bites and said some sympathetic stuff. they are not nearly as itchy today, but they have been sore and still kinda swollen.

after that i rambled about video games while asher set up his schedule for the next few days. he’s going to be super busy. then mom came home and threw money at me and told me to get out because she didn’t want to make me dinner. we don’t really have anything i could have eaten anyway besides, like, instant mashed potatoes. or worse, frozen brussels sprouts. oh yeah, the freezer didn’t close and a bunch of meat thawed. i didn’t really care about that though. but i think the brussels sprouts are also toast.

mom zeroed in on deadnaming asher again immediately upon arriving home. i was glad to get out of the house. we went to indian food again because i am weak. the waiter recognized us and said hi to me. asher said he might “like” me. later i laughed about it and said “imagine the scandal, me dating someone who doesn’t have an american accent.” mom’s head would explode.

then i took asher home and went back to my house and didn’t get into uic. wasn’t even close, they gave me the priority ranking. they told me my gre score was pretty bad. i figured as much. “best in class” is relative. i thanked them for their time and for letting me know. 

guess i’m going to florida.

i was bombarding asher with messages about super paper mario when dad got home. i was expecting him to be annoyed, but like, to eventually ask me to do the chore like a normal person? to treat me like i’m alive and not some dishes-doing slave who is at his beck and call? he took up my whole doorway. he basically grounded me. he got real physically intimidating, leaning forward over me and pointing. i said he never asked me to do it and i had told him to use his words. he said i am not allowed to use any more dishes until i put away the clean ones. and if he does it before me, then i will really be in trouble. i do not doubt that he will break our plates if he sees me using any.

after he left i had a huge burning headache and my blood pressure rocketed. and i got super nauseous. and then i started crying like a lot. 

really seriously all i wanted was for him to ask me to do chores politely. i would have done it right then. i would have done it right after he got home too. it wasn’t a big deal. he made it a big deal. right?

i feel like a retard for crying big fat stupid tears because someone was ~meeeean~ to me. of all the things to have a panic attack over this was probably not the one i should have picked. i wish i was dead and then i feel stupid because it’s emptying the dishwasher. it takes less than five minutes. it would feel wrong to do it now though. but i am terrified to not do it. he can make my life miserable if he wants. he could easily break my computer. all he’d have to do is throw it down the stairs. or take it outside and smash it with a hammer like the old computer. i wouldn’t be able to stop him. he could stop letting me use the car. i wouldn’t be able to see asher any more. he could hurt the dog. or take one of the dogs to be put down and not tell me. he could wake me up every five minutes tonight until i do it. he don’t go to bed for two more hours yet. he could just throw my dishes on the floor every time he sees me using one for the next week. he could hit me like that one time. and he’s a bodybuilder.

the worst part is that i can easily see him doing most of those things. and he totally would. 

i guess i should do it now... i don’t know what i was trying to prove. i didn’t think he would react like this. i should have known better. i still want to throw up or die or both though. maybe he’ll throw me down the stairs instead. that would break me too.