#plus no humanoid robots. W

[gearlycorvid]

Hey babygirl... Come here often

[sariels-world-ella]

you don't have to answer this if you don't want to..

but, hypothetically, if one of the characters of the game you are working on, (Conundrum of Morality), ever got popular, who would most likely be a tumblr sexy man/woman/enby?

Well, I am personally aroace and feel NO real aesthetic attraction (unless you count "I like their colorscheme/outfit/hairstyle") NOR do I feel romantic and/or sexual attraction to fictional characters, so I am not the best person to answer, but so judging by patterns alone that I seen with other tumblr sexy people to create general criteria,

The criteria that I've gathered judging by what most tumblr sexy people have in common to make my guess are:

1. Conventionally physically attractive or at least personality wise.

2. Young (usually 20s-30s sometimes 40s) or looks like a young adult (either Immortal, eternally youthful, inhuman, or just aged well)

3. 18+ or, usually when without a confirmed age, seems to be.

4. Either confirmed to be not-aro or nothing saying otherwise.

5. Either are at least, A. human (most commonly being white or just fair skinned), B. Inhuman but still humanoid (robots, furries, vocaloids, ect.) or just act human (ex. Scar from lion king), C. Undead (usually a skeleton or a demon, this also falls under B. But it seems noteworthy enough to deserve its own letter), or D. from an anime/manga or from an Japanese styled game

6. Usually single, either w/o a love interest and/or no canon romantic relationship.

7. A fictional character or famous person (which is redundant in this case)

With these qualifications, I conclude, it would be either be none of them or most likely Shadow Lady.

Reasons:

Abby and Audel are WAY too young for that title (both are 11 y/o, that would just be straight up pedophilic) and them not even really being fictional crush material to begin with, (but I can see them being someone's Autistic and/or ADHD headcanon, plus, Audel is implied to be autistic anyway)

Gunther is WAY too old and definently not conventionally physically attractive, he is also an aroace. (He seems more like a "comfort-type character" or the "memed character who is ADHD" , than a fictional crush, but, again, I'm aroace, so I dunno what allos who are attracted to fictional characters think, I am just judging by patterns and similarities I've noticed.)

Shadow Lady is conventionally attractive (probably) and not a confirmed Aromantic (but is Asexual), also she's not human but still humanoid, which that seems to be common trait in tumblr sexy people (that or being undead, Caucasian and/or Anime). So she seems to fit the criteria, also technically she's an undead.

Mystic is a possible runner up, they are 23, the playable character, canonically pretty buff and strong, HOWEVER they are aroace, part of law enforcement (if you are anti-law enforcement or "defund the police"-type person), I don't know if Mystic is even concidered attractive, them being intersex (more specifically a true hermaphrodite) may be a turn off for people, and most tumblr sexy people seem to be either: A. Inhuman but humanoid (or at least act human), B. white/Caucasian, C. from anime, D. undead, and Mystic fits none of those since Mystic is a biracial human from a non anime styled game, (but again, I don't know how the allos think, so don't get mad at me for saying that. )

But that's just my guess.

[archosaur-automaton]

Astro-Second Helpings, Episode 1: The Magnificent Six

As we promised so long ago, we will be reviewing Transformers as we acquire them and build our unstoppable army of Plastic Friends. Hence, I am pleased to announce the inaugural post for Astro-Second Helpings, the archosaur-automaton blog segment dedicated to reviewing Transformers toys as we buy them!  For Chanukkah 5780, or as it’s known elsewhere “December 22-30, 2019″ we’ll be reviewing our first ever Transformers acquisition: Six-Gun! (Technically Transmetal Optimal Optimus was our first acquisition as a young babby but that is a story for a different time). 

We acquired Six-Gun while doing errands at the local Target a few weeks ago and felt an irresistible urge to Buy Plastic, and a stroll through the toy aisle left our mouth watering. Overwhelmed with options, we chose the best-looking boy they had: this red-white-and-black little chap who needs a permit for *himself* before he’s allowed in the gun show! As our Transformers neophyte brain understands it, Six-Gun’s first (and only) cartoon appearance was in the G1 cartoon episode “Thief in the Night” and cannot be said to be a major character. Regardless of the canon involved, we’ve got cannons involved to review. We’ll be using a five-star rating system in six different categories, with an overall rating at the end. The categories are:  - Coloration - Overall Design - Quality of Manufacture - Loadout - Transformations - Transformability (how easy it is to transform) Our first stop is Coloration. Here’s a photo of Sixgun sitting on our desk. 

One of the things that most appealed to us just off the shelf was his color. That tasteful contrast of white and red,  with black accents: there’s something positively [chefkiss] about it all. However, as this Six-Gun is from the “Siege” subline, he has “cosmetic battle damage”, seen on his feet here. 

Since this battle damage is really only on his feet, it doesn’t really make sense to me to have it at all, so we definitely have to dock points for that. Coloration: 4.5/5 stars. Excellent overall but the ‘battle damage’ just doesn’t work.  Next up is Overall Body Design. As we can see here, Six-Gun’s head doesn’t have humanoid eyes or mouth.

As a Robo-Lover, this is a BIG plus. A human-looking face can be nice but sometimes you just want a head that screams “yup, that’s a Robot.” His shoulders are nice and big and sharp, a little like absurd WoW pauldrons, which is also a plus. His chest is beefy and has a built-in missile launcher and looks generally solid.  In the legs department, his calves are gorgeous but the overly skinny thighs leading to his bony hips are a little bit of a turn-off. It’s a bit of a Popeye the Sailor look, which only works if you’re actually Popeye.  There’s not much to complain about but I think there were ways in which they could have made him ‘pop’.  Overall Body Design: 4/5 Stars Quality of Manufacture is a little tricky on this boy. As I understand it, he is a “parts-former”, which means that he transforms via the detachment and reattachment of his various parts. This often, apparently, leads to things being too tight in some areas, too loose in others, in ways that a non-partsformer toy might not.  His legs come off pretty easily, which is sort of expected I guess but meh. Also, his feets are a little squirrely. 

The hinges on these are very loose and the feet in general just feel like an afterthought.  I don’t have much experience to judge, but for a partsformer I think he’s more or less okay.  Quality of Manufacture: 3.5 / 5 Now, we get into the good stuff. WEAPONS. And oh boy, this guy is literally ENTIRELY weapons. Like, did you not get the memo from the name??  Now, Six-Gun isn’t just an Autobot in and of himself: his constituent parts can be disassembled as part of the C.O.M.B.A.T system to provide armaments for other Transformers! The weapons he is composed of include: Two “MTX-M2 Anti-Gravity Cannons” (his legs)

One “MTX-S2A Missile Launcher” (his lower torso/hip section)

One “MTX-50 Dual-Flank Boost Launcher (the upper part of his torso)

Two “MTX-LR Ion Pulse Blasters” (his arms + black guns)

Two “W-5 Gyro Blasters” (the little red guns)

Here’s a shot of the tech spec / booklet explaining these parts and their apparent strength, accuracy, and range. 

Clearly, the MTX-S2A has the best of all three categories, so why would he ever use anything else? Well, as a loved one once said: “These are the two great lessons of the Transformers fandom: tech specs are bullshit, and Hasbro makes mistakes.” At any rate, this is an impressive loadout of weapons, not just for Six-Gun in his base form but for use in other toys. I especially like the Anti-Gravity Cannons; if you didn’t know any better, you’d never suspect they were someone’s legs! Loadout: 5/5 Stars (or alternately, six out of six guns) Next section is Transformability. This is about how easy it is to take the boy out of the package and turn him into his vehicle mode(s).  As a Partsformer, Sixgun is remarkably easy to transform. You just pop off his arms, flip down his red rocket launcher tubes, flip up the missile launchers on “dual pack boost launcher”, cover his face with his cockpit, pop the little white vehicle part into the other hole on the lower torso section, put the arms onto the sides, finagle his legs, and voila. A boy. You’ll see what that looks like in the next section. For now, I can safely say that I could transform this fellow in my sleep.  Transformability: 5/5  So now we get to Transformations. In his original incarnation, Six-Gun did not have an alt-mode, but for Siege he got one. And here it is.

As you can see, his arms have become some sort of twin hover/propulsion blades and his legs seem to be some sort of thruster jets. Slung underneath are the missile launchers and his Gyro Blasters are primed and at the ready. So he’s some sort of VTOL, right? WRONG. According to official Hasbro materials, The 5.5-inch Deluxe WFC-S22 Class AUTOBOT SIX-GUN WEAPONIZER figure stands at 5.5 inches in robot mode and converts into a CYBERTRONIAN tank. A tank. A tank. A TANK??? This futurespace hovering gunship looking thing is supposed to be a TANK??? Hwaet.  Meshugos aside, while there’s clearly something interesting happening here there isn’t enough for it to feel compelling. I like the cockpit and the ‘wings’ of the vehicle mode, along wit the missile launchers in the position they are, but the legs and the blocky underside just make it a sort of ‘meh’ design. I’m not sure how it could have been made better, given that he’s supposed to turn into guns for other boys, but...it just feels like an after-thought.  Transformations: 3/5  Wow, our first Astro-Second Helpings article! Or since it’s the inaugural article, would that make it the Astro-First Helpings? And then the next one would be the first Astro-Second Helpings article? You know, you probably could kill Blaine the Mono with a dumb puzzle like this.  To wrap up, Transformers Siege: War for Cybertron’s Six-Gun is a pretty looking boy who turns into a lot of shooty things for other Plastic Friends to use. He’s decently built, a little prone to things being a bit loose but overall okay. His vehicle mode, however, is lackluster both in execution and failing to resemble much of anything. Nonetheless, we were enormously happy to have him and he’ll always have a special place in our heart as the first Transformer we bought with our own money. (One day, we’ll get our actual first Transformer, Transmetal Optimal Optimus back, and avenge the five year old who had it stolen/broken by a malevolent stepsibling. One day). Mathematically, our overall rating for Six-Gun should be closer to 3.5/5 than 4, but we’re going to bump him up for sentimental reasons and because in his base form he does look pretty good.  Overall Rating: 4/5

[ofbeastsandwizards]

Storms [Avengers x Teen! Reader]

Starting off with some Platonic Avengers. The Timeline is wonky, but just pretend that Peter still went to space but came back the same year-  or something. And everyone is still alive hehe ^^’

Title: Storms

Pairing: Avengers x Teen! Reader

Summary: We focus in on the reader as she is stuck alone inside of Avengers Tower by herself on a stormy night. Scared, she skype’s the Avengers on the big screen TV, and they stay with her until she falls asleep. 

Warnings: PTSD to Storms due to Past.

Lightning struck the ground furiously as you raced down the streets of New York. Your parents had just gotten struck by lightning, and you ran to find help. But nobody came. You collapsed onto the ground and let out a scream, lighting erupted nearby, sending electricity through your weak body. You screamed in pain.

“Help! Please, somebody help!” You yelled. You let the rain pour onto your back, and you buried your face into your hands. Thunder roared around you, and you jumped in fright, letting out a screech. 

You covered your mouth as tears flooded from your eyes, leaving salty streaks that blended with the rain on your face. You let out a cry, and leaned against a nearby building, your once colorful yellow sundress now dirtied and wet. Lifting your head you looked to the sky, and slid down the wall until you were on the ground, shaking from the cold. You rested you head on your knees, and cried yourself to sleep.

Fast forward five years to 2015, you were now 12. You were cornered by what seemed to be a humanoid robot. Your eyes were wide, but you were determined to get out of this alive. Your heart was pounding. With all your might, you lifted your hand, and from it generated a small spark of electricity. You narrowed your eyes. After years of living alone, you had grown some extremely tough skin, and had closed yourself off from others. 

The day your parents died in that electrical storm, you had gained powers, and with that, you had learned to control them. You could manipulate electricity. 

With a thrust of your hand, you sent an electric shockwave at the robot. It began to spark, and it fell backwards, sizzling from the amount of electricity. You smirked, happy with your accomplishment. But you had never used that much power, and you felt rather woozy. You clutched your forehead, as you saw more robots trample through the streets. Your vision went blurry, and you passed out, too weak to stay awake. 

When you awoke that day, you were in a bed. The same bed you were now sitting in, 4 years later. 

You looked up from your book you were reading as the door to your bedroom opened. Taped to the walls were posters of the Avengers, and a few of your favorite bands. Your walls were painted a pale [f/c], and you had fairy lights strung above you bed. 

And in the doorway, a head poked in. It was Tony Stark. “Hey Kid,” You grinned.

Tony had taken you in to join the Avengers after he learned about your powers the day of the Ultron attack. You were genuinely amazed at the offer, and despite your young age, immediately took it. (Much to the distaste of Steve and Natasha, who were genuinely concerned for your well-being.)

“Hey Tony, what’s up?” You asked, setting down your book. Tony moved a bit further into the doorway. 

“Just wanted to let you know, the team is going out tonight, so you’ll be here alone for a while.” Of course, you’d been alone in the tower more than once. But never at night, not that it really bothered you. You were used to being alone. 

You tilted your head. “What for?”

“Some rich family is throwing a party to celebrate the Avengers.” You furrowed you brows. 

“I’m an Avenger. How come I can’t go?” You asked. Tony sighed. 

“Look, Kid, you’re still to young.” You narrowed your eyes at Tony.

“Is Peter going?” You asked. 

Tony tensed. “Well, yeah, but-”

“That’s not fair! Peter’s only a month older than me!” You argued. 

Tony crossed his arms. “He’s been on more missions than you have, plus he’s been to-”

“Yeah, ‘He’s been to Space’, I know, you dont have it rub it in.” You grumbled. Tony chuckled.

“Call us if you need anything.” And with that, he turned and shut the door. You sighed, and set your book on your nightstand, laying back down in your bed and closing your eyes, letting the light rain outside lull you to sleep.

You were awoken with a loud crack of thunder, you bolted upright in your bed, your heart pounding. You looked out your window. The night sky was gray, and rain was pouring heavily down. Out of nowhere, a bolt of lightning rained from the sky, sending you flying out of your bed and underneath it, as thunder rumbled outside.

You hid your face in your hands, and let out a scream when the thunder roared again. You immediately had flashbacks from years before, your parents staring at you as lightning struck them violently, their bodies stiffening as the life was sucked out of them. You shook your head quickly, trying hard to forget the moment. 

Without realizing it, you were standing and clutching yourself, rocking back and forth. You stopped, and made your way to your door. You opened it, just as a loud thunder erupted outside. You immediately rushed out your door and slammed it behind you. 

Racing down the hall, you reached the elevator. You chose to avoid it however, in fear the storm may lead it to break-down. You instead chose the fire-escape stairs and made your way to the penthouse level. You swung open the door and ran straight to the couch. You leapt under a blanket, and pulled out your phone.

You yelped as lightning flashed in the corner of your vision. You squeezed your eyes shut, and then reopened them. You found Loki’s number. For some odd reason, you had managed to get his number before he left earth again. You did this solely because he was fun to be around, and you didn’t seem to mind his pranks and games, and were always kind to him. He liked this about you, and you enjoyed hanging out with him, despite Tony always getting mad when you did.

You dialed his number. You had no idea if he would pick up. 

Then, he did.

“Loki!”

“Hello? Who is this?” His voice could be heard from the other end.

You shuddered when thunder struck from outside. “I-I don’t know what’s going on, b-but please tell T-Thor to stop f-freaking out! I-It’s really ba-bad on E-Earth-”

“[Y/n]? Is that you?” His voice softened. “What’s happening?”

You fought tears. “A really bad storm! It must have something to do with Thor! W-where is he? Can you calm him down? P-Please-?” Your voice cracked. Unbeknownst to you, Loki felt horrible. Thor was sleeping, and must have been having a genuinely terrible dream for it to be so bad that you would resort to calling him. 

“He is sleeping. He must be having a nightmare. I’m afraid I can’t do anything about that.” 

You bit your lip, tears springing to your eyes as lighting flashed outside, followed by a roar of thunder. “Oh, God- O-okay, t-thanks anyways-” 

Loki frowned. “I’m terribly sorry [Y/n].” You nodded.

“It’s o-okay-” A very loud thunder sounded from outside causing you to yelp. “B-bye!” 

You hung up the phone, tears now streaming down your face. You breathed in shakily. 

You then looked up at the television. Your shaking hand reached for the remote, and you turned on the t.v. “F-F. R. I. D. A .Y?”

“Yes, [Y/n]?” FRIDAY’s voice rung throughout the room. 

“C-Can you skype call, Steve Rogers?” 

“On it.”

And with that, the t.v screen became the skype call screen. You sat curled in a blanket, flinching each time thunder would crack outside. Then, the call was picked up. Steve was in his Captain America suit, and looked at his phone screen. 

“[Y/n]?” He asked. [Y/n] nodded. 

You put on a weak smile. “H-heya, C-Cap!” 

His face grew worried, and he looked up. “Nat! Get the rest of the Avengers, [Y/n] called!” He yelled out off screen. He looked back to his phone. 

“You okay, [Y/n]?” Your smile dropped and you let yourself break down as you shook your head.

“No. N-No, I’m not!” You cried. Steve’s heart was breaking seeing you like this. You had grown to be like a daughter for many of the Avengers. And when you were hurt or sad, it made them feel terrible. 

Soon, Nat was leaning over Steve’s shoulder. “[Y/n]? Hey- what’s wrong?” She asked. 

“S-Storms! I-I hate storms!”

Nat frowned. “Oh, [Y/n]...” 

Tony then appeared beside Steve. “You called?” He asked. Then, his eyes focused on the screen. 

“Oh God- [Y/n] what the hell happened?” He asked hurriedly. “Did somebody hurt you-?!” 

[Y/n] shook her head. “S-Storms-”

Tony’s eyes softened. “Oh.”

Then Bruce appeared, next was Clint, and than Wanda and Peter. Even Vision was there. 

“G-guys- when are you coming back?” You asked. 

“Not for a while, [Y/n].” Bruce said sadly. 

Peter looked away. You were one of his closest friends, despite being homeschooled. You had never been this emotional, and it hurt to see you like this. 

“How about we stay with you until you fall asleep?” Wanda offered. You rubbed your eyes.

“S-sure...”

Then, the Avengers began chatting with you, trying to cheer you up.

You pulled out your phone. “Y-y’know, I’ve been looking at Avengers memes lately-” She showed her phone to the group, one of the memes present on screen. 

The group had a mix of reactions. Some of laughter, some of confusion and some were even of just plain annoyance. 

Eventually, you grew tired and laid your head down on the cushion of the couch, letting your eyes fall closed. 

You drifted into sleep, and Tony smiled. 

“F.R.I.D.A.Y, end call.”

[jungshookz]

android!yoongi

→ pairing: min yoongi x reader

→ genre: android!au becauSe for some reason android aus are popping up everywhere, the usual heaping serving of fluff and comedy, N S F W like reALLY nsfw i poPPED OFF this time i don’t know even know what happened,,, forgive me god for i have sinned, a n g s t, i definitely teared up a little writing this because i was listening to kim bum soo’s i miss you and it made me 100x more emo

→ trigger warnings: this does get a little intense! beware!! 

→ wordcount: 24k like that bruno mars song

→ note: um,,,,, this is literally 24k+ words i don’t even know what to say,,, how did i write so much without realising???? but ya a lot of android aus have been popping up on my dashboard and i’m seeing a lot of android!jungkook but i feLt like android!yoongi was more fitting?? aLso thank u so much for the love n support for ceo!yoongi i 100% was not expecting it to get as many likes and reblogs as it did so you guys are truly the best!!!!!!!! anyways i had a loT of fun writing this and i hope u guys like android!yoongi as much as i do :-))) 

pst if u wanna talk to android yoongs u know what to do ;-) 

(gif isn’t mine!) ((i had such a hard time choosing a gif because he looks so boyfriend-y in all of them but i ended up going with this one because at one point in the fic he feeds u with chopsticks)) 

(((and the read more function iS there but most of the time it doesn’t work on mobile :// i am sorry don’t attack me by sending passive-aggressive anon messages)))

“oh, absolutely fucking not.”

“y/n, please.”

“no.”

“pLEASE”

“namjoon, no!!!!” you slam your fork down on the table and clear your throat when you get a couple glances from other customers near you

“c’mon, why not???”

“i have a life!! i’m not going to babysit a robot-“

“it’s a humanoid android. actually the professional term for it is a human mind model adaptive super android.”

“right, i’m not going to babysit a roBOT for you because you wanna see if you can make a profit selling weird robot slaves.”

“they’re not weird! and i’ve been working on them for a long time - since the beginning of freshmen year! we finally have a prototype and i thought you’d be the perfect human for Y00NGI.”

“don’t give it a name, you’re humanising it. and what kind of a name is Y00NGI, anyways??”

“it’s supposed to be a take on you and i. get it??”

“that’s terrible and i hate that with my entire soul. i just don’t get why i have to take care of it. can’t you get jin to take care of it? he’s like 100x more responsible than i am.”

“y/n, the purpose of this robot is to be like… a helper. jin doesn’t need any help with anything. you on the other hand….. i know you hate it when i say this but you’ve kind of…. you’ve been a mess since your breakup with kihyun and i just thought it’d be good for you to have Y00NGI around to help out!! someone to pick up your takeaway boxes and someone to wake you up so you get to work on damn time for once and aLso someone to force you out of the house because of how socially awkward you-“

“i’m not socially awk- why didn’t you name it Y00NI instead? that’s more like you and i than Y00NGI.”

you’re like hiGHKEY offended that namjoon thinks you’re unable to take care of yourself and that you’re socially awkward like you can make a REALLY good grilled cheese sandwich and you’re like okay-ish at interacting with other people your age

sure one time you accidentally threw in a red sock into the whites and all your sheets turned pink but that doesn’t mean you can’t freaking take care of yourself

and pink sheets are totally trendy right now

okay about kihyun

first things first you’ve been a single lady for a couple months now

yes you admit that you kind of turned into a liTTle bit of a hot mess after kihyun broke up with you

to be fair he was the one who always cooked and cleaned and made you interact with his friends

but you always tried your best to make meals for him and you always had a smile on your face whenever the two of you hung out with hIS friends - he ended the relationship because he felt like you were holding him back

you don’t like to get into it

but you’re better now!!!!!!

you sort of know the basics of the washing machine and you can also make pretty good spaghetti so sUCK on that kihyun

plus you just liked staying home rather than going out to party but that didn’t make u socially awkward

“look, it was a creative decision on my part, alright? i don’t see what the big deal is.”

“you know how i feel about technology, joon. i got freaked out when you asked your alexa thing to tell you a joke and she not only told you a horrible joke but also had a very demon-y laugh.”  

“you know... jungkook thinks Y00NGI is pretty cool.”

you perk up at the mere mention of jungkook

long story short you have the FATTEST crush on jungkook and you would honestly probably kill someone for him

after your nasty breakup with kihyun he always found ways to cheer you up

you work at the library at bangtan laboratories and jungkook always brought you lunch and snacks and came up to tell you stories and keep you company

so it wasn’t a huge surprise when one day you felt your heart flutter when he smiled at you in his adorable bunny way

namjoon’s the only one who knows considering he’s ur best friend but now he’s just using it against you

“so jungkook should take care of it.”

“he lives with jimin - he doesn’t need a helper. i’m sure he’d visit your place a LOT if you took Y00NGI in.” namjoon smirks to himself and takes a sip of his coffee when he notices your change in expression

okay well

taking care of an android-humanoid-thing wouldn’t be too bad

it’s only for a couple of months so that namjoon can see if his creation actually works

you won’t have to cook for yourself or clean for yourself

and jungkook might pop over more often as namjoon said

hm

“well- fine. only because i’m… a good person and a good friend. that’s the only reason why i’m helping you out.”

namjoon’s like loL okay ya sure

the rest of lunch goes by and namjoon’s just excited that he’ll finally be able to see if his android will actually work

a week goes by and you get daily texts from namjoon telling you Y00NGI is almost ready for you and you hATE that because it sounds like he’s sending Y00NGI to assassinate you

like literally one of the texts you got was just

’soon.’

and you wanted to murder namjoon because it freaked you out so much

it’s sunday morning and you’re enjoying a nice bowl of cinnamon toast crunch while watching cartoons when you hear your doorbell

you wipe the sprinkles of sugar off your mouth as you rush to the door and

holy shit

“i’ve got a package here for miss y/l/n?”

you’re tempted to tell the mailman that miss y/l/n lives somewhere else because jeSUS this is a HUGE box

“that’s, uh, that’s me i guess”

he hands you a clipboard and you sign off on it and he wheels the damn thing into the middle of your living room and then is just like peace out

so now you’re standing in the middle of your living room with this big ass cardboard box

the first thing you do is call namjoon

“hello?” his voice is groggy which indicates he was still asleep

“why didn’t you tell me this box was so big!! how big is this thing!!!”

“he’s not a thing, don’t be rude. he’s a little taller than you and a little shorter than me. the box is big because i put like a bunch of packaging peanuts and styrofoam in so he wouldn’t be damaged when he arrived!!! he’s not cheap you know!!!!!!!”

“i thought he was made out of like metal”

“he’s not a tin man, y/n. his outer layer is made out of this synthetic silicon so he feels exacTLY like a human and i wanted to get him to you without a single scratch”

that is… sO FREAKY R U KIDDING ME

you don’t really want to open this package

what if it tries to kill you

“anyways you’ll have to charge him up for a little while because i didn’t recharge him before i packaged him up.”

“do i plug him in like a phone??? where do i even- omg do i plug the thing up his butt or somethi-“

“he’s in a charging pod right now. that’s another reason why the package is so big. you just have to plug the pod into the wall it’s not that hard.”

“namjoon i can’t moVE this thing alone-“

“omg you’re so whiney okay fine i’m coming over” namjoon hangs up on you and ur like the auDAcity of this man

while you wait for namjoon you get a box cutter and slice the sides of the box open

the sides of the box plop down onto the ground and your whole floor is littered in package peanuts and you see-

well it kinda looks like a fridge

but like a ~futuristic~ fridge

and on the front of the door you see Y 0 0 N G I

you see a little symbol blinking underneath his name

it’s an empty battery symbol and it’s bright red telling u that he’s out of juice

phEW

that means he won’t be able to murder you anytime soon

you kind of want to open the door and see what this Y00NGI thing looks like but you’re scared

god why did you agree to do this

so now instead of watching cartoons you’re shovelling cereal into your mouth and keeping an eye on the charging booth to make sure nothing suspicious happens

about 15 minutes go by and you’re so relieved when namjoon walks in and the other boys are trailing behind him and he’s like ur lucky i love u i would rather be asleep

and you’re like yOU’re lucky i love yOU otherwise i would never have agreed to this

namjoon: i’m also lucky you love jung-

you: ….juST help me move this stupid thing hHAAHhaa

you greet the other boys good morning

and you’re especially sweet to jungkook

he’s like :) hi y/n!!! i hope u slept well

he’s so cuTE you want to RIP OUT YOUR HEART and give it to him

ahem

namjoon wants to leave Y00NGI in your living room but there’s no way in hell you’re going to leave it here

what if you wanna get water in the middle of the night but then you have this pill-shaped fridge just blocking your path

“move it into the spare bedroom - if it freaks me out i’ll just lock it in.”

“it’s a HE y/n respect him!!!!” taehyung smacks your arm and nudges you aside so that he can help namjoon move the pod “jin-hyung and i spent a long time designing his face and his body so you better not do anything to fuck it up”

you kinda feel bad that you’re not helping the boys move the pod because it looks pretty heavy and all their faces are going red

but they think you’re a klutz and you’ll drop it on the way to the bedroom and chip something so they were all like nO you can’t help us please just sit down and don’t move

it takes the six of them ten minutes to move it into the guest bedroom down the hall and you’re sweating on their behalf and you’re like wOO that was tough good job guys while you’re just lounging on the couch and they’re all glaring at you lmao

“i plugged the pod into the wall for you - i’ll pay your electricity bills, so don’t worry about that. he takes up a lot of power.” namjoon mentions and gives you a sheepish smile when you’re like excuse mE whaT

“how long does he take to charge?”

“depends on how much battery he has. he’ll be ready by tonight since he’s completely outta battery” namjoon shrugs and plops down next to you

“i programmed him especially for you he knows like everYthing there is to know about you”

“…how much does he know”

“which hospital you were born at what your favourite food is what time you wake up what time you go to sleep what your favourite shampoo is what your mother’s maiden name is what your-“

“okAY i get it”

it’s safe to say that you are very much freaked out

as much as you like jungkook you’re not sure if this is even worth it anymore

this hunk of metal charging up in your room knows you better than you know yourself

it’s just eery because it…. well it’s a robot

you could peel its face back and you’d just see a freaky metal skeleton

you shudder to yourself but you’re like u know what we already went over the benefits of having this helper robot here so it’ll be fine

“you have to bring him to the lab every two weeks so i can check on his diagnostics and see if anything needs tweaking”

“…do i need to carry him and his pod there”

“nah the two of you can just walk over”

it’s still weird that they’re referring to the robot as if it was an actual human being rather than a machine but whatever you’ll get used to it

the lab is like a ten minute walk away from your place so it’s fine

you live in this pretty nice neighbourhood anD your apartment is pretty big anD you’re close to the lab so you can see why namjoon chose your place

“also you’ll have to wear this 24/7.” jungkook appears out of nowhere and takes your hand and you’re like omG his hands are so soft but then he’s clipping this bracelet around your wrist and you’re like wat

it looks like it’s made out of glass and you can see all the different coloured wires inside

and there’s a little Y00NGI etched on it

your eyes widen in surprise when the Y00NGI suddenly lights up and the bracelet gives you a little zap

“ah, there we go”

“ow! what the-“ you try to shake it off but you can’t

it’s like

attached to you somehow

it’s snug around your wrist

not snug enough to be considered uncomfortable but snug enough to make you aware of its presence

“it’s so Y00NGI can keep track of where you are and also if you’re ever sick he’ll be able to know your temperature and nurse you back to health”

“can i not take this thing off??”

“well… you can,,, with this key” he holds up a key and puts it back into his pocket “buT you lose things really easily and this bracelet is very very very expensive so nO you are not allowed to take this thing off”

“but-“

“it’s waterproof and sweatproof and everything in between so you’ll be fine!!” jungkook flashes you a sweet smile and you’re like okAy i’ll keep it on because u said so

“okay let me tell you a little bit about Y00NGI before we head off”

“aren’t you going to stay here until he wakes up??”

“that’ll take too long and we’re working on some more prototypes at the lab”

namjoon and the boys plop down on your couch and you sit opposite to them on your sofa chair

“as i mentioned before, Y00NGI is a human mind model adaptive super android”

“i know what each of those words mean but i don’t know what they mean when you put them all together like that”

“basically he’s programmed to learn things and grow smarter - so i don’t want you being a bad influence on- well, actually, he has more common sense than you do so i guess i don’t have to worry about that”

gasp

namjoon is so lucky you adore him otherwise he wouldn’t be getting away with all these snarky dIGS

“he knows the basic emotions like happy and sad and angry or whatever but the more time he spends with you the more emotions he’ll pick up-“

“i just hope he doesn’t become as dramatic as you”

“oh says yoU” you scowl at jin but now you’re wondering how the heck a robot can even feEL things in the first place

“so if i pinched him would he feel it?”

“of course he’d feel it”

“so he hurts too?”

“….why does this sound mildly threatening”

“nO i’m just curious i’m not going to hurt your robot friend”

namjoon wants to scream Y00NGI IS NOT JUST A ROBOT HE’S A HUMAN MIND MODEL-

“looK we’ve been working on Y00NGI for a long time and even though he’s built to withstand pretty much anything i still want you to be careful with him”

obviously you’ll be careful with him you’re not a monster

“you don’t have to feed him. of course he’s designed to ingest human food but like,, it won’t do anything for him lol he also doesn’t need to use the washroom either!!” while namjoon’s talking to you he unlocks your phone and plugs it into his laptop

“hey!!!!! what do you think you’re doing” you reach forward and namjoon smacks your hand away

“i’m installing Y00NGI’s app on your phone. i’m sorry it’s not available on the app store for you to download” he snorts and his fingers fly over the keyboard before he hits enter and you see a brand new app pop up on your home screen

“what’s the purpose of this app? it better not be like that app you downloaded on my phone last time that gave you full access to my texts-“

“i already told you i only did it because you were mad at me and i diDN’T know why and you weren’t talking to me so i really didn’t have a choice loOK the point is this isn’t another hacking app you’re fine”

“okay so tell me what it does”

“it monitors Y00NGI’s battery levels, Y00NGI can even send you a message on here if he wants!! also if there’s like a loose wire somewhere the app will show you where it is on his body and where you’re supposed to plug it back in”

namjoon spends a little more time telling you about Y00NGI and you’re still kind of freaked out but at the end of the day you’re proud of joon and the boys for inventing this human computer… android adaptor charger… robot.. man (is that what it’s called?? u already forgot)

“well we’ll be on our way now!! text me when Y00NGI wakes up” namjoon gives you a quick hug and the other boys are saying goodbye before you know it

you spend the rest of the day tidying up a little and doing some chores

for some reason you feel like you need to impress this hunk of metal that’s going to be living with you for the next eight months

you’re intimidated to go into his room and check if he’s fully charged so you can finally turn him on

so you promise yourself you’ll turn him on after dinner (which is pizza!!!!!!!)

you’re nibbling on your fourth slice of pizza and you pop the rest of the crust into your mouth and c r o n c h  thoughtfully

and then your phone buzzes next to you

Notification: Y00NGI APP - BATTERY FULLY CHARGED.

ok

ok cool

no need to be nervous

after all yoU are the one in control here

you are de captain of this ship

yoongi’s YOUR helper

you dust your hands off and stand up and head towards yoongi’s room

the door opens with a creak and you quickly turn the lights on

you end up staring at the yoongi refrigerator for like one whole minute but you shake your nerves off

it’s now or neVer

you don’t know why but you glance over your shoulder for some reason before you open up the pod door and

holy moly

taehyung and jin really put a lot of effort into designing Y00NGI’s face because he is literally the prettiest boy you think you’ve ever seen and you’re friends with jin and jimin and jungkook etc

a phrase to describe this face: boyfriend material

you’re kind of squatting down because his head is bent over since he’s standing upright and then your thighs start to burn from standing like this just staring up at Y00NGI so you cup his face and hold it up

you’re close enough to see each individual pore on his face

he has soft black tousled hair and it kind of shines in the light of the guest bedroom

his lashes cast a shadow over his cheeks

his lips are so cute

he even has a couple ear piercings

namjoon was right he does feel exactly like a human

you’re kind of having fun just squishing his face and washing his lips purse and unpurse because ??? he’s very VERY lifelike it’s almost concerning

they really went all out when they were designing Y00NGI

you can already tell that these BTS2500 androids are going to be popular when namjoon releases them if they’re as pretty as Y00NGI

“alright yoongi let’s see how to turn you on… oh yEs” you remember namjoon showing you where Y00NGI’s power button is

you wrap a hand around the back of his neck and blindly feel around for the button that should be on the nape of his-

you jump when Y00NGI powers up immediately as you hit the button

you take a step back and you see that he’s definitely awake but it looks like he’s still warming up a little because you can see his pupils dilating and constricting rapidly

and then he blinks once and his eyes settle on you

“Hello. I am Y00NGI. M1N Y00NGI.”

his eyes scan over your entire figure

“You are Y/N Y/L/N.”

“…ya that’s me” you’re still kind of shook because you don’t… really know what to DO “do you… do you wanna stay in your pod or should i…”

how do you even talk to a robot???

you gesture to the wire that’s plugged into the nape of his neck underneath his power button which you’re assuming is his charging cord

“you got enough juice in you?? my app tells me you’re at 99.9% but i can let you chill here until it-”

“I would like to inspect my surroundings.” you nod and reach forward and gently yank the cord out and you’re like :00000 when you see a flap of skin suddenly cover up the charging port and now it looks like a normal neck

yoongi steps out and then his pupils suddenly light up and there’s like a hologram of a blueprint that beams out of his eyes

“Scan complete. Location secure.” and then he’s walking out of the room and you’re not sure if you should turn the pod off to save battery or

“waiT yoongi where are you goi-“ you can’t even finish your question because he’s already going down your hallway to the living room

he’s standing there just staring at the TV so you move past him to sit on the couch

you don’t know where to go from here so you decide to continue eating your dinner

“Pizza is unhealthy.”

“but it’s good.”

you’re about to offer him a slice when he speaks up again

“One pepperoni pizza is approximately 2269 calories. Total fat: 83 grams. Total saturated fat: 38 grams. Cholesterol: 145 mg. Sodium: 5100.9 mg. Sugars: 31g.” yoongi starts naming off all the nutritional value facts of pizza while staring right at you and you’re like omg sTOP I GET IT

“Are you still hungry?”

“not really i mean i already had four slices so”

“Good.”

yoongi bends down and picks up the pizza box and proceeds to throw it into the bin

he looks over his shoulder at tilts his head slightly

“I am sensing that you are upset. Why are you upset?”

“you threw away my dinner!!!!!!”

even though you’re pretty full like you had four slices so you’re fine but stILL you liked eating cold leftover pizza for breakfast the next day

“Oh.” he looks down at the bin. “I suppose that is something you will have to deal with, then.”

and you’re like

excUSE ME

why is this android so,,,, sassy

namjoon did mention that jin was the one who programmed his personality so

like father like son

“You must sleep soon. The time now is 10:41PM.” he pauses and his eyes do that weird glitchy thing again “My database tells me that you have a very unhealthy sleeping schedule.”

UM

you’re getting roasted by a damn hunk of metal and you don’t even have a witty comeback

“i’m an adult, yoongi. i’ll go to bed whenever i want.” you snort and snuggle back into the couch and you hit play on the- “oH MY GOD PUT ME DOWN” suddenly everything’s spinning and you realise yoongi just threw you over his shoulder and is marching you down the hallway

you’re still flailing over his shoulder as he enters the washroom and picks up your toothbrush and squeezes some toothpaste on it for you

finally he lets you down but before you can say anything he shoves the toothbrush into your mouth and turns you over so that you’re facing the mirror

“i wuz goinf to eat some icfe cream after the pizza, you know”

“What kind of ice cream?”

you’re pleasantly surprised that he seems curious about your ice cream

“strawberry cheesecake flavoured ice cream it’s my fAvourite and-“

“One cup of strawberry cheesecake flavoured ice cream contains approximately-“ you roll your eyes and drown him out by turning on the tap as you brush your teeth and rinse your mouth out

once you’re done he follows you to your bedroom and then he nudges you in and immediately shuts the door without saying a word

“oh so you’re nOT going to tuck me in????” you feel obligated to ask him that considering he’s been treating you like a child

yoongi opens the door and pokes his head in a little as you’re about to get into bed

“You are an adult. Tuck yourself in.” and then he shuts the lights off and slams the door again and oOH you are so tempted to just hit that power-off button on the back of his neck so you won’t have to deal with him anymore

damn

how did namjoon rope you into doing this

8 damn months

“Time to wake up.”

you’re still half asleep even when yoongi pulls the blanket off of you causing you to whine and kick and blindly reach for your blanket

“You have to be at the lab in one hour.”

“what time is it??”

“It is 7:00AM.”

you rub the sleep out of your eyes and wince at the early morning sunlight

yoongi already opened up your curtains and you hATE being woken up by blinding sunlight

“i only need like half an hour to get ready let me sleep for another fifteen minutes” you drop your head back onto your pillow and shut your eyes again and- “oH jESUS is this going to become a regular thing because i am noT a fan of this” yoongi has you over his shoulder again and when he plops you down you’re staring at your crusty morning face in the bathroom mirror

“You don’t have ingredients in your fridge required for a nutritional breakfast. However, I made a cup of coffee for you. Please come to the kitchen in 20 minutes.” yoongi shuts the washroom door and you see that he’s hung your work uniform up behind it

dang

usually you’re reaching into your hamper and digging through it for your wrinkly blouse and trousers but

you’ve never seen your uniform look so neat and crisp before

and that coffee stain on the sleeve is gone

“alright, robot. you win this time.” you mumble to yourself and then you’re washing up and getting ready for the day

“It is now 7:35. According to my maps, we are ten minutes away from Bangtan Laboratories. I suggest you leave within the next five minutes to avoid tardiness.”

“i’m usually five or ten minutes late and no sane person would want to come check out books at eight in the morning so i’m not in a rush” you plop down on the couch and turn on your cartoons and then you take a sip of the coffee that- “oH good god what the hell is this????” you look down at the sludge in your cup and wince before setting it down on the coffee table

so you definitely need to teach yoongi how to make a cup of coffee if he’s going to be making your coffee for the next 8 months

“Is something the matter?”

“how did you make my coffee??”

“I ground up coffee beans and mixed some water into it. According to my database, coffee is essentially a mixture of C. arabica and water.”

“C. arabi- what is C. ara- okay you know what i’ll teach you how to make coffee when i get back from work today” hopefully you can get jimin to give you a cup of coffee free of charge

you’re trying to enjoy your morning cartoons but it’s hard when yoongi’s kind of just standing there staring at you blankly

“…wanna watch some cartoons with me?” you scoot over a little and pat the seat next to you

“It is now 7:38. I recommend that you leave in two minutes to avoid-.”

“this episode is nearly done just come and sit” yoongi blinks twice but then he nods and comes and sits next to you

“Do not slouch. It is bad for your posture.”

you let out a sigh and roll your eyes and stand up

“you knoW what you’re right i should leave now thanks for the coffee yoongs” you offer him a smile while you’re lacing your shoes up “uh, i guess you can watch TV all day if you want?? there are a couple books in your room that you can read as well. namjoon picked them out for you so expect some classic literature and poetry and all that jazz”

“My name is Y00NGI. Not ‘Yoongs’.” yoongi blinks at you and you groan internally he’s just so ???????? he’s the complete opposite of you he’s so stiff and orderly and boring but of course you suck it up because you’re doing this for the boys and maybe you can ask jin to tweak his personality a little bit heeehee

“byE yOOnGS” you slam the door behind you before he can respond and you start your walk to work

yoongi stares at the door after you leave and then the corner of his lips twitch up in a small smile

he’s trying to replicate your bright smile but the most he can muster is a teeny little smile

“Yoongs.” he mutters to himself and then he returns his attention to the TV

when you come home that night you are surprised to see that your dinky apartment is,,, spotless

and now that it’s clean it makes it seem like your place is a loT bigger

and wow your coffee table is supposed to be thAt colour?? crazy

“uh, hello? i’m home…” you’re about to kick your shoes off and dump your jacket on the ground and yoongi suddenly appears in front of you and stops you before you can do so

“You have a coat rack for a reason. You also have a shoe rack. Please use them.” you sigh and place your shoes on the rack and hang your jacket up before turning to yoongi and going like r u happy now u neat freak android

“do you eat human food?”

“I don’t. I could. But I prefer not to, otherwise I’ll have to open up my stomach compartment and empty it. Which is not ideal.” you cringe and ur like yuck okay fair enough

“okay, well… i’m going to order dinner for myself, so i guess you can just sit here”

yoongi grabs your wrist before you can scurry off to the drawers where you usually stash all the takeout menus

“I threw out all of your takeout menus. You cannot live off Chinese food and pizza every day.”

“you whA-“ you press your lips together to keep yourself from screaming at yoongi but your preCIOUS MENUS ARE GONE

okay look

he cleaned your apartment for you which was actually pretty nice of him

but

piZZA!!!!!

“I ordered groceries while you were gone. Your fridge is now stocked with fruits, vegetables, almond milk - everything’s natural and organic, and most importantly - good for you.”

“almond milk- yOongi look that was really nice of you and stuff but i’m not- i don’t drink nUT milk i drink cow milk and also??? i hate fruits and i hate vegetables”

“I can see that, considering the state of your skin.” Yoongi hums and his eyes light up before he scans over your face slowly “Mild acne. Very common. The lack of pizza will hopefully clear up your skin soon. You’re looking a little swollen in the face, too. Must be all the sodium. Come - I’ve steamed some vegetables for you.”

yoongi disappears into the kitchen and you’re standing there like

eXCUSE YOU

you turn and look into the mirror hanging by the door and u know what he’s right you’re looking a lil more bloated than usual and your skin is kind of splotchy and woW that pimple wasn’t there this morning

your period’s coming!!! so that’s your excuse to pig out a little because you always need junk food for your cramps    

you know what you’re going to give that robot a piece of your mind and show him who’s boss here because it certainly isn’t hiM

“okay, listen here-“ you swing open the kitchen door and storm over to yoongi who’s standing by the stove with your steamed vegetables “i know you’re supposed to be taking care of me and everything but i refuse to eat these damn vegetables because- mmph!”

yoongi shoves a floret of broccoli into your mouth and you automatically chew

oh

this isn’t half bad

there’s some minced garlic in here

mm

“Sit. Eat.” yoongi nudges you to sit down on the stool and sets the plate of veggies in front of you “Finish it all.”

your stomach grumbles and you frown a little

you were really craving some juicy fried chicken tonight

maybe some yam fries with that really good chipotle mayo

dang

as soon as you finish your dinner (which was a lot better than u thought it’d be) you dial namjoon’s number into your phone and look over your shoulder to make sure yoongi isn’t there

“hello?”

“your robot just made me eat a plate of vegetables”

“he did? wow! he’s better than i thought he’d be because you never eat vegetables”

“wha- namjoon, the point here is that he’s being a control freak!! i want pizza!!”

“it’s all part of the test, y/n. if there’s a flaw in his system we’ll fix it up when you bring him in at the end of the month.”

“oh, there are pLenty of flaws in his system. i’d like to take a pair of scissors and just snIP-“

“Ahem. Put your plate into the dishwasher when you’re done. And I’m cutting off your phone usage. According to my database, you’re on your phone most hours of the day.”

“you’re not my dad so-“ all of a sudden yoongi grabs your phone from you and shuts it off and then he’s pointing to the dishwasher

he’s literally acting like your dad and it’s infuriating

“give me my phone!” you ignore him and hold your hand out for your phone “who do you think you are??”

“Y00NGI. Who are you?”

“i-“ okay you should’ve seen that coming “just gimme my phone!!”

unsurprisingly

this little argument ends with you not getting your phone and you being sent into your room early

you feel like a child and it’s ridiculous

and you can’t even complain to namjoon about his stupid android because said android hAS your phone

“It is 7:00AM. You have work in an hour.”

it feels like deja vu when you wake up to the sound of that monotonous voice and the feeling of someone ripping a blanket off of you and also your blinds are up so the sun is bLINDING you

“it’s 7am you have work in an hour” you mock grumpily and yelp when yoongi smacks you with a pillow

and so

you and yoongi fall into this routine

he wakes you up

you grumble curses at him

you go to work

you come back home

yoongi’s there with your dinner

yoongi scolds you for watching cartoons

yoongi scolds you for sneaking some chips onto your dinner plate

yoongi catches you with a pint of ice cream in your grubby little hands  

how??? did he not catch that??

maybe if he was more observant he would’ve noticed that one of your boobs was significantly bigger than the other

yoongi clicks the TV off and sends you to wash up

you go to bed

yoongi cleans up the living room and puts the ice cream away

yoongi heads to his charging pod for the night and powers off

two weeks go by and you have to admit that you’ve gotten pretty used to having yoongi there 24/7

finally the day comes where you have to bring yoongi into the lab so namjoon can see if everything’s running smoothly

“aren’t you excited?? this is your first time out!!”

“There are more productive things that I could be doing right now. You interrupted me while I was uploading the entire Oxford dictionary into my hard drive.” even though you have your fingers wrapped around yoongi’s wrist and you’re tugging pretty hard to get him to move faster he’s still moving as slow as a snail so that’s gr8 for u

“you can upload it to your brain when we head back to my place. namjoon needs to see you so it’s not really my fault” you push him into the lift and he turns around and scowls at you

“Why do you manhandle me like that? Just because I’m a robot doesn’t mean you can treat me like this. Didn’t you notice the ‘fragile’ sticker on my box?” you’re tempted to roll your eyes because you’ve come to realise that yoongi can be very dramatic sometimes but like

he makes a fair point

you haven’t really been the nicest person to him in the last two weeks

he just

gets on your nerves!!!!!!!

“fair enough. i’m sorry. i think i… i was just kind of offended that namjoon wanted you to take care of me because i’m like… a grown woman and it’s embarrassing.”

yoongi blinks at you and then turns to face the doors as the elevator goes up “There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I’m just here to help you. Plus, you need someone to take care of you. You can’t just eat pizza every night for dinner. And you can’t just wash your face with water and hand soap every night.”

……he makes a fair point once again

“Y00NGI, if you could just lie down here that would be great” namjoon points to the silver bed and you’re like low-key scared because it looks like an operating table

yoongi lies down and makes himself comfortable and rests his hands on his stomach

“i’m just going to be performing a basic electroencephalogram on you. i’m putting you to sleep now.”

a basic electroelephant-what-gram

you want to ask namjoon what the hell an electroscopicphahalalagram is but he looks pretty focused right now

yoongi’s eyes flutter shut and hoseok and jin work to place the small metal discs on his scalp and they’re all hooked up to some machines

suddenly a bunch of what you’re assuming to be yoongi’s statistics appear on namjoon’s monitor screen

all the information on there would be normal for a human except for the B A T T E R Y : 8 7 % part

“what’s that? and that? and that?”

namjoon’s been friends with you for a loNg long time so he’s learned to just drown you out whenever you get…. annoying

“is that his heartbeat? it’s pretty slow. what’s his heart made of? does he even have a heart? also - i have a question” you raise your hand and look around at the other boys expecting them to ask you what your question is but they never do

“i have a qUES-“

“wHAT y/n what is your question??” namjoon spins around and glares at you and you smile at him sheepishly

“if i cut yoongi open would he bleed??”

that’s

slightly concerning

“i’m sorry what”

“what i’m asking is does yoongi have.. like… human.. bodily fluids too…”

“i mean, like, yes? and no? his pee isn’t actually pee like if you gave him water to drink then he would just pee out water and maybe some motor oil if he has a loose screw but ya that’s it”

“oH you know what though i actually, uh,” taehyung stifles a laugh “okAy look i wanted to make him more realistic so like i bought a bottle of… fake semen and so there’s a little tank of semen inside of yoongi”

namjoon groans and turns to look at the younger boy “i told you not to!!!”

“i’m sorry!!!! i couldn’t help myself!!!! i promise it’s the good stuff tho like you can swallow it and it wouldn’t even-”

“oH my god i’m not talking about this. y/n, yoongi bleeds and kind of pees. and apparently he can ejaculate now.”

“so if you ever wanna hop on that diCK feel free to-“

“sHUT UP what if he can hear you!!!!” you slap your hands over yoongi’s ears “and yoongi isn’t even my type so i would never hoP on that dick”

that’s a blatant lie if yoongi hit on you at a club u would immediately drop to your knees

“stop talking about my android’s dick!!!!! whY did we even give him a dick in the first place!!!!”

“i had sO much fun moulding his dick out like lemme tell ya it’s just 7 inches of puRe girth-“

“STOP”

eventually everyone gets back to work and you’re entertaining yourself by spinning yourself around and around on a stool and also jimin gave you a pair of stethoscopes to play with and jin gave you a lollipop to suck on

(ur a literal child)

namjoon nods to himself because everything’s going according to plan

in fact yoongi is picking things up much faster than he thought

“emotional development is good.. heY look at that he’s already learned a couple new emotions!!!”

and you’re like ! dang he’s a fast learner what did he learn

you wheel over so that you’re right next to yoongi

“one of his new emotions are... irritation”

…..

THIS BITCH

you reach over and smack his cheek gently and ur like >:-) because he’s sleeping and he can’t feel you poking and prodding at him you can do whatever you want to take your frustrations out

“Could you be so kind as to release my face?” you jump when yoongi powers up out of nowhere and you’re just sitting there squishing his cheeks together

“why is your new emotion irritation?”

“Because i’ve been feeling it a lot as of late.”

“why?”

“I just have.”

“why?”

“…Because of a particular individual.”

“who?”

yoongi’s eye twitches and namjoon’s like lol because he can see the negative emotion bar rising higher and higher on the screen

“aLright alright cut it out y/n” jin scowls and pulls you away from yoongi before you have the opportunity to pull all the metal discs off his scalp

yoongi finds you absolutely infuriating

out of ALL the humans in the world he could’ve been assigned to

why did you have to be HIS human

you’re messy

lazy

irresponsible (he’s pretty sure you only have your job because you’re good friends w namjoon)

loud

manipulative

when he feels his hard drive overheating he tells himself to calm down

only a couple more months to go and then he can actually go and do something worth his time

like helping out at a hospital

working at a bank

maybe become like a teacher’s assistant or something

somEthing that helps society

helping a twenty something year old pick up her animal crackers off the floor is not a way to help society

“yoongi have you seen my reading glasses” yoongi’s in the middle of drying off the dishes when you pop into the kitchen “because i swear i left them in here but they’re not in here so then i thought they were in my bedroom but they’re not in my bedroom sO theN-“

“They’re on your head.”

“oh!!! ur right teehee”

yoongi grips onto the dish so hard it cracks a little

seven and a half more months

seven and a half

a month goes by and guess what

it’s that time again folks

you have to be an Adult and actually Socialize with your Adult Friends

you’re heading out with a couple of gal friends from your school days tonight

you know what though you’re just glad that you get a couple of hours away from yoongi

you’re kind of in a like-hate relationship with him

like you appreciate that he’s always there for you and he does a great job taking care of you and making sure you don’t spend too much time with your face in front a screen or overdose on animal crackers

but like

he’s alwAys hovering over you

like just now you were getting ready to do your makeup and yoongi was kind of just hanging out in the hallway pretending to dust the floors but you know it’s just because he doesn’t want you to accidentally stab your eyeball with your mascara wand again

it was pretty nasty cleaning black ink out of your eyeball  

also

side note

knowing that yoongi knows your exact location at any given moment is kind of creepy

and you kind of just wanna have a goOd time tonight okay

you look down at the bracelet around your wrist and watch the Y00NGI blink back at you

you consider smashing the damn thing to pieces because it is just made out of glass

you give it a test tap on the edge of the counter

clink

hm

your eyes widen when you see a teeny weeny little crack

huh

you raise your arm about to literally smash your wrist into the counter when suddenly

“Make sure to stay hydrated. Drink water after you consume alcohol of any kind.” yoongi appears behind you in the mirror and you quickly pull your arm back down and pretend like you’re just stretching out your limbs

“i know, yoongs. i’ve gone out partying before.”

“Who are you going out with?”

“a couple of girls i went to school with - you don’t know them” you purse your lips and apply a layer of lip gloss and yoongi watches you in the mirror

“I don’t know them?”

“of course you don’t know them you’ve never met them” you scoff

yoongi’s eyes turn into a shade of blue and if you look close enough you can see digits whizzing around in there

and suddenly

“Emma, Lauren, Hailey, Anna, and… Faith.”

your eyebrows furrow and you turn to face him

“how the hell did you-“

“Hailey seems to be a fan of partying. Be careful. Out of all of these girls the only one that is acceptable is Faith. I trust her. I have faith in her.”

jin must’ve snuck some kind of dad joke implant into yoongi because that was awful

yoongi turns and leaves the washroom and you’re like ????? how?????wat???? how did?????

about twenty minutes later you’re all dolled up and ready to go and you see yoongi rifling through your purse as you enter the living room

“i’ll take that, thank u very much” you snatch your purse from him and swing it over your shoulder before going to get your heels

“I was just making sure you have everything you need.”

“what do i need?”

“Tissues. Chapstick. A bottle of water. Your wallet. Your identification card. Your house keys.” he pauses for a second and then looks back at the tv “A pack of that godawful fruity, sugary gum you like so much.”

your heart warms a little that he packed your things for you anD he’s actually letting you have your juicy fruit gum

maybe you shouldn’t smash your bracelet into pieces

also jungkook did say it was expensive so there’s that

you slip into your heels and check to make sure you don’t have any lip gloss in your teeth in the mirror  

“What time should I expect your return?”

“when i come back” you respond simply and shut the door behind you and scurry over to the elevator as quickly as possible to avoid more of yoongi’s nagging

“Pushing the button aggressively like that will not make the elevator move any faster.” you groan quietly and turn around to see yoongi poking his head out of the front door at the end of the hall

the doors open and you shoot him a quick thumbs up before getting in

“Always carry your belongings with you. Do not accept drinks from strangers. Be aware of-“

when the doors close you’re like thANK god because your head could’ve exploded from yoongi’s irritating tips

he’s acting like you’ve never gone out a day in your life

sometimes you forget how rambunctious your girl-friends are

“i’m sorry you bought a whAt” you tilt your head in curiosity and hailey leans in a little more

you’ve been at the bar for like ten minutes and the conversation topic has already swerved into the ~sexual zone~

“i said i bouGHT A SEX BOT” everyone bursts into giggles and you’re like ohHH gotcha “i honestly don’t even need to hook up with anyone anymore because my bot totally does the job - thank god for technology. he’s better than all the boyfriends i’ve ever had - and he makes reALLY good pancakes in the morning”

“cheers for technology!!” emma raises her glass and everyone follows suit and clinks glasses

you didn’t even know sex bots were a thing

all the prostitutes in town must be fuming

“sex bot…” you trail off and now u can’t help but wonder if namjoon’s ever made a sex bot

…is yoongi supposed to be yOUR sex bot

“but like… u don’t think that’s kinda weird?? being in a relationship with a robot and all that” you purse your lips and everyone looks at you weirdly

“y/n - what’s wrong with you, girl? this is the 21st century! a robot-human relationship nowadays is totally normal” anna snorts and takes a sip of her drink

“ya but the relationship you’re talking about is purely a sexual relationship…. what about like,,, a real relationship” you purse your lips before reaching for the small bowl of peanuts in the middle

“i mean i don’t really see the problem with that tbh like date who you wanna date even if your significant other is made out of metal”

“hey, y/n! maybe if your little crush on jungkook doesn’t work out we can get a sex bot for you”

“i doN’t- i don’t want a sex bot, thanks” you laugh awkwardly and scratch the back of your neck

“why not!!!! it’s been like a trillion years since u got laid”

“i,,, i know but i’m not like actively seeKing to get laid i just… i been busy u know how it be”

it’s true!! you’ve been super busy

sex hasn’t really been a priority

plus one night stands really aren’t ur thing

you can’t see yourself having sex with a stranger

it’s just so

intimate

“you have to get yourself out there!!!! otherwise your pussy’s going to dry up and shrivel up into nothing” you wince at the crude language spilling out of emma’s mouth and ur like u know what i think my… i think my pee-pee is doing just fine

“seriously tho!!! c’mon you should live a little~! let’s find a cutie for you tonight to take home” lauren grins and looks over at the bar “how about the bartender?? he was totally checking out ur boobs when we were over there”

“you guys i- no, i’m really not…”

it’s pretty obvious you’re kind of uncomfortable by the way you’ve shrunken into yourself and started gnawing on your bottom lip

“hey hey hEy okay maybe not!” faith slaps lauren’s arm and she scowls in pain “let’s just have a girls night, hm? let’s just get wASted and not think about stupid boys for once!!! the guys here aren’t even thAT hot - second round of drinks are on me!” she waves a server over and hailey automatically orders a round of shots for the table

“thanks for that” you murmur quietly and nudge faith’s side after the conversation changes from you getting laid to lauren and hER desire for a sex bot too

“don’t mention it” she hums and reaches over to pinch your cheek

so

turns out these drinks are actually preTty strong and everyone’s tolerance for alcohol is preTty low

an hour later

everyone is a hot fuckign mess

“lizten listen listen n to me faithy honey taehyUng is totally into you but hshhshhhh dont’ tell him don’t tell him he’ll kill me if i tell you” you slur and slap a hand over faith’s mouth when you see her face light up with excitement

“omg reALLy because i’m super into him too he’s sO attractive” she squeals excitedly “but like did he teLL you that he was into me because it totally doesn’t count if it’s just a rumour”

“oh NO it’s like it’s like for sure real like i went into his office and he was fully jacking off to your instagram pictures” you hiccup and in the back of ur mind u know you’ve exposed a little too much but it’s too late now

and faith doesn’t exactly seem to mind learning that tidbit of information

“…..i’M GONNA SEND HIM A NUDE”

“nO” you snatch faith’s phone and put it on the other side of the table

“how do you make such hot friends?? i want hot boy-friends!!!!” nicole whines and downs the rest of her drink

“maybe weEEEE should all apply for jobs at bangtan laboratories”

“dibs on jin and his broad shoulders!!!!!”

“well if you take jin i’m taking jiMIN”

“i wANT JIMIN,, anD junGKOOK”

“i want jungkook’s kOOk”  

“i wanna get all up in namjoon’s dimplez he’s so cute ”

“well i want namjoon to get all up in MY GUTS”

“i’m taking hoseok!!!!!!”

“i will FIGHT YOU FOR HIM”

“I WANT THEM ALL”

another hour goes by…

[jeopardy theme song plays in the background]

“lOOK look it’s like fused to me and jungkook is the only one with the key” you raise your wrist so everyone can see your Y00NGI bracelet

“so like…….. you got a robot helper at home”

“ya”

“and he knows where u are all the time and ur temperature and ur heart rate and all that”

“ya”

“yoU shouldn’t- youshoulnd’t let these MEN control you like thiz” faith hiccups and you nod quickly in agreement

she grabs your wrist and flails it around “this bracelet don’t even gO with any outfits it’s so stupid”

“i don’t even- i should just smash it into smithereens” you slur and rest your head on her shoulder

all of you exchange looks and then everyone’s looking at the glass bracelet on your wrist

there is that little crack in it from when you tried smashing it earlier

“smash it” anna whispers

and then it starts

the satanic chanting

“smash it, smash it, smash it, smASH IT SMASH IT SMACHI T SMASHCIT SMASCHITSMACIHT” everyone’s slamming their glasses down on the table rhythmically

with all the energy in the atmosphere and the mojitos coursing through your veins you find yourself raising your arm and suddenly

huLK smASH

you grin when you raise your wrist and shake off the shattered shards of glass and everyone whoops and clinks glasses again

wow

giRL POWER

meanwhile

yoongi perks up immediately and blinks twice

it feels like a wire short-circuited inside of him somewhere

hm

it’s about 2:57 now

it’s very very late

now would be a good time to check up on you

he checked on you about an hour ago

you seemed fine but he could sense a loT of alcohol flowing through your veins

hopefully you’re hydrating yourself with water and not just mojitos

okay time to check up on u

…

…

…

nothing

okay

no need to panic

maybe the bracelet glitched or something

he can track you via your phone

…

…

…

there’s no signal

your phone must be out of fuckign battery agAIN

you never charge it!!!! why!!!!

okay great

what’s the plan

he jumps when his phone suddenly starts ringing and he notices it’s FaceTime call request from an unknown number

he lets out a sigh of relief when your pixelated face suddenly appears on the screen

“yoongi!!!!!!”

“Y/N? Whose phone are you-“

“my phone is outta battery and also i broke my bracelet because you mEN can’t control me”

he hears a lot of giggling in the background

“What? Control you? The purpose of your bracelet is so that I can check up on- Oh my god.” you raise your wrist in triumph to reveal a couple loose wires wrapped around it and yoongi’s like o…..o no “Namjoon is going to kill you.”

you hiccup and lean against anna’s shoulder

“i gotta pee”

“Are you on your way back now?”

“are you on your way back now?”

“I’m serious, Y/N. It’s almost 3 in the morning.”

“i’m seriouz y/n i’s almost threeeee in the morning”

yoongi lets out a sigh and pinches the bridge of his nose

you’re a mess and you’re in no state to come home by yourself so late into the night

“I’m coming to pick you up.”

“u don’t know where i AM”

“I always know where you are. Stay put. And go pee.”

yoongi fishes your car keys out of the side drawer and tucks his phone into his back pocket

…

…

…

DRIVING 101 MANUAL: DOWNLOAD COMPLETE

okay cool now he knows how to drive

“you’re right he IS cute” anna gasps after yoongi hangs up on you

“right??? if hE hit on me tonight i would totally go home with him” you grin and hand hailey back her phone

“his lips are real pretty”

“his hair looks so soft”

“and that voice??? sO sexy are you kidding me???”

“i wish someone would take care of me like yoongi takes care of y/n :’((”

“you guys stop talking about y/n’s manz like that!!!”

“he is not- he is most definitely noT my mans” you laugh and shake your head

okay well like

he kinda is your mans

but he’s not at the same time

you felt a twinge of jealousy after all ur friends started gushing about how cute yoongi is

ahem

“how about one last round of shOTs before yoongi the party pooper comes n gets me!!!!” you change the subject and everyone bursts into cheers

one last round of shots turn into three last rounds of shots so

everyone’s stumbling in their heels when you guys finally leave the bar

lauren has an arm wrapped around your waist keeping you stable because your alcohol tolerance is the lowest out of everyone’s

and then you see a familiar looking bot heading towards you

“yOONGs my prince in scarily realistic silicone skin!!!!!!!!” you practically throw yourself at yoongi when you see him and immediately press wet kisses to his cheek

he’s not surprised that you’re an affectionate drunk

“Alright, alright. Where’s your purse?” you’re like aLL over yoongi and his eyes are going crazy trying to keep track of you

“i dunNo i want a piggyback ride” thank god yoongi was programmed to have superhuman reflexes because if he didn’t then you definitely would have fallen flat on your butt

yoongi sighs before reaching back to clasp under your knees and he accidentally gropes your butt before his hands quickly slip back under your knees and you can’t help but giggle

“buy me dinner before u touch me there u naughty boy”

“Where’s your p-“

“y/n, don’t forget your- oh!!! oh!!! you must be yoOngi!!!!” yoongi’s suddenly overwhelmed when a group of tipsy girls approach him

he does a quick scan of each of their faces and recognises them as your friends

“Yes, I’m Y00NGI. M1N Y00NGI, Y/N’s personal human mind model adaptive super android.” he likes to keep it professional when meeting new people

“well, min yoongi. here’s y/n’s purse.” yoongi expects you to reach out and take it yourself under he realises you’ve fallen asleep and you’re definitely drooling on his shoulder “sorry about y/n - we let her get a little crazy tonight.”

“yoU’re just as hot as y/n said you were!!!!” yoongi blushes immediately and diverts his gaze before letting out a small chuckle

he’s definitely going to use that against you when you sober up tho lmao

he turns his head and his nose nudges into your cheek making you stir before you’re nuzzling your nose into his neck obviously seeking warmth

“Should I call you ladies a cab?”

“oh, and he’s a gentleman too. i need me one of these yoongi’s.”

“we’re fine, thank you. we already called for an uber. thank you for taking care of y/n for us. we were kind of worried about her after her breakup with kihyun, but it’s nice to see that she’s in good hands.” lauren smiles and places a hand on yoongi’s shoulder

yoongi nods and offers her a smile

“It was nice meeting all of you. Have a safe trip home.”  

“Y/N, wake up…” yoongi gently grasps your arm and shakes you a little

you let out a soft sigh and your nose wrinkles and yoongi’s like o,,,,oh my….. how cute,,,… wait waT is wrong w mE omg

“C’mon, we gotta get you out of your dress and brush your teeth and all that.”

you whine and shake your head before settling even further into the front seat

yoongi sighs and shoves the car keys into his back pocket before bending down and scooping you up in his arms

you immediately melt against his chest as he wraps one of your arms around his neck

yoongi winces when he accidentally knocks your head against the frame of your bedroom door

“You better not have a random leg spasm otherwise you’ll take out one of my eyes.” yoongi mutters and takes your heels off before setting them aside

somehow he manages to change (peel) you out of your dress and he wipes your makeup off aND he brushes your teeth anD he puts on your moisturiser without you waking up

you truly are a deep sleeper

he tucks you into bed and he’s about to leave the room when suddenly you’re reaching out and gripping onto his wrist

“Out of all the moments to wake up, you wake up now?” yoongi teases and bends down next to you

“stay with me” you pout and tug on his wrist and yoongi feels his fake heart go boom boom

he brushes some of your hair out of your face and lets out a sigh “I have to charge up.”

“my app told me u were at 76% when i last checked” you pat the empty side of the bed “stay with me”

somehow yoongi finds himself settling into bed next to you and he kinda just lies there like a statue

“u have to get under the blankets fool” yoongi sighs and tucks himself under the blankets

and he’s 110% sure you’re still a little tipsy because the next thing he knows you’re snuggling up to him

“you’re warm”

“Thanks. It’s my generator.” he clears his throat and shifts to get a little more comfortable  

you don’t respond and he assumes you’ve already fallen asleep

“thanks for taking care of me all the time”

yoongi lies awake the entire night feeling a little warmer than usual

“okay, we re-modified your bracelet. now, instead of glass, we used a basically indestructible metal. we should’ve gone with the metal in the first place because this particular type is a pretty good conductor which means faster connections and-“

“but this one’s ugly the glass one was prettier” you interrupt namjoon and scrunch your nose at the chunky metal bracelet around your wrist

“…well you should’ve thought about that before smashing it into pieces”

“my friends are very convincing” you mutter sheepishly and twist the bracelet around your wrist before tracing your fingers over the engraved Y00NGI

jungkook comes over and takes your wrist to look at the bracelet and you can’t help but feel your heart go boom boom a littLe because he’s standing so close to you right now omg

you’re swinging your legs back and forth and you have your bottom lip tucked in between your teeth as you watch jungkook fiddle with the bracelet

yoongi glances at you and furrows his brows a little

he’s already synced up to your bracelet so he should be able to…

yEp

your endorphins are shooting through the roof right now

yoongi feels an unfamiliar emotion bubbling inside of him

oh

it’s jealousy

“The bracelet’s already synced up to me. I don’t think you need to look at it anymore.” yoongi steps in between you and kook and he tilts his head at jungkook and jungkook’s like ohHO okay well i’m just doing my job

“kook get over here and help me with these damn triplex wires” jin calls jungkook over and he excuses himself but looks at yoongi a little weirdly

“what was that?? we were totally vibing”

“If by ‘vibing’, you mean you drooling over Jungkook while he fiddled with your bracelet - then yes, you were totally vibing.”

you scoff and look at yoongi before leaning back a little and crossing your arms

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“are you jealous of jungkook?”

yoongi trips over his words and he refuses to look you in the eye

“That’s ridiculous. Why would I ever be jealous of Jungkook? What is there to be jealous of?”

“you know… you’re the only human mind model adaptive super android for me, right?” you coo and reach up to pinch yoongi’s cheek and then he’s growling and swatting your hand away

you find yourself finally warming up to yoongi as time passes

you start enjoying his company instead of dreading it

and he feels the same way

:~)

maybe the next couple of months won’t be too bad after all

you’re in the middle of cataloguing some new books that just came in when suddenly you feel someone hovering over you

“hi can i help you find som-“ you look up and stop talking when you see /??? yoongi?? behind the counter

“what the- how did you- how are you here right now??” you furrow your brows in confusion and yoongi plops a little bento box on the countertop

“Public transportation. Eat. You’re hungry.”

“i’m not-“ your stomach growls right on cue and yoongi gives you a pointed look before opening up the bento box

“Pork and vegetable dumplings, and pan-fried chive pancakes. The dipping sauce is here. I added some sesame oil, soy sauce, and sriracha to the vinegar because you seem to like that combination. Animal crackers for later. Later. And a juice box. The flavour is organic apple and grape.” your stomach growls again at the sight of this goOD food and you swear you almost start drooling

“aw yoongs you didn’t have to make all of this for me…” yoongi hands you a pair of chopsticks

“Yes, I did. Otherwise, you’d be having a chocolate bar and a can of coke for lunch. I’ll go home now.” yoongi turns to leave and before you know it you quickly lean over the countertop and grab his arm

yoongi stops and looks down at your hand gripping his arm before looking back up at you

“wAit maybe you,,, you can stay here? with me? i’m all alone here and i’m sure there’s not a lot to do at home besides cook and clean and all that.” you clear your throat when yoongi tilts his head and blinks owlishly at you “or,,, not…”

“No. I’ll stay. And then we can go home together.”

home

usually he says ‘your place’ or something like that like from that night you broke your bracelet

but he just said ‘home’

“C’mon, eat up. I didn’t slave over the stove for nothing.” yoongi joins you behind the desk and immediately picks up the thickEst book from the pile that you were reorganising before he got there “History of Korea…”

you shove a dumpling into your mouth and your eyes roll to the back of your head because goddAmn this is good

you are fully having a foodgasm right now

just when you’re about to shove a second dumpling into your mouth you jump when you hear the sound of a book slapping shut

“Well, that was interesting. What other books can I read?”

wat

you turn to look at yoongi and he’s rifling through the other books on your desk

“wait- you- did you finish reading that already???” there are question marks floating above your head because you aRE conFuSIoN

yoongi responds with a hum and picks up a second book

this one’s the history of russia

“I think I’ll read all the history books today.”

“all of- yoongi there are like 1000 or moRe history books in this library i doubt you’ll be able to read them all” you snort and dip your dumpling in some sauce

about twenty minutes later your stomach is full of dumplings and chive pancakes and you couldn’t be happier

you’re leaning back against your chair and patting your stomach happily and yoongi’s having a good time sitting next to you with his nose in a book

“So how many books have you read in the last twenty minutes? 500?” you snort while packing up the box and putting everything back into the lunch bag

“Nah, I’m still on book 496.” yoongi sighs and shuts the book “I’m not fully charged and it’s messing with my speed.”

“I believe that’s 10 points to me, and 0 to you.” yoongi smirks when another paper ball lands right into the bin and you groan in frustration

you finished cataloguing the books faster than you thought and that’s how you ended up having a paper ball throwing competition with yoongi

it was his suggestion surprisingly

but now you know he only suggested it because he would win the competition

you probably should’ve taken into account that he can calculate the perfect angle and the perfect speed at which to throw the ball at

“this is a dumb game”

“No, it’s not. Throw your ball into the waste bin.”

yoongi scowls when you throw your ball at his head and in retaliation he leaps over and immediately begins to dig his fingers into your sides

“yOONGI stop!!!!!” there are tears in your eyes from how hard you’re laughing and you crumple to the floor in defeat bringing yoongi down with you

yoongi laughs but eventually shows some mercy and stops tickling you

and now the two of you are realising that he is very much on top of you

you’re both kind of panting and your cheeks flush a little when he tilts his head and smirks

“you’re mean”

“I’ve been told.”

“Give me the keys, I’ll drive.”

“it’s my car i’m driving”

“You drive like a maniac. Keys.” arguing with yoongi never ends well for you so you grumble before plopping your keys into his open palm

you hear the beep beep of your car unlocking and yoongi opens your door for you

“ah, thank you, kind sir” you get in and toss your purse into the back before reaching down to take your shoes off

“Seatbelt… m’lady.” yoongi slams his door shut and you buckle your seatbelt and lean against the window

“Where are we going now?”

“We’re heading back home, obviously.”

there it is again

‘home’

his eyes flicker up to where you’re flipping and unflipping the sun-visors

“Stop doing that.” he reaches up and slams it shut and you pout then lean back against the seat again

yoongi thinks you might actually have the mentality of a six year old child

“Wha- What is this?” after putting your shoes away and hanging your coat up yoongi walks into the living room and sees you sprawled out on the couch with your eyes glued to the screen watching some duMb brain-melting cartoon show

“spongebob squarepants reruns.” you answer simply and shift your position until you’re upside down lying flat on your back with your legs hanging off the top of the couch

your face is turning red from all the blood going right to your head

ur an idiot

“You are not watching this. You should watch something more educational.”

“i’ve been out of school for like two years i don’t- hEeeeEy” you start whining immediately when yoongi grabs the remote and switches it to the national geographic channel

omG all these documentaries are so boring

“Here, this one. It’s called… Beneath the Water.” he pauses and you recognise his thinking face

his thinking face is when he blanks out and like downloads a shit ton of information into his database  

“Beneath the Water is a mini documentary-series focusing on the history of mythological, underwater creatures. Tonight’s episode is about mermai-“

“mermaids??? jesus yoongi how old do u think i am”

“You were just watching Spongebob Squarepants.”

you grumble out a ‘touché’ and switch positions so you’re actually sitting on the couch

“I’ll go and make dinner.” you watch yoongi disappear into the kitchen and you immediately reach for the remote

“Don’t even try!”

oh my GoD

yoongi’s like a babysitter from hell

“…i hate documentaries” you mutter to yourself but you don’t seem to have a choice so you lean back and make yourself comfortable

spongebob squarepants scene transition ~wun hour latier~

yoongi has to remind you to chew your food because your attention is fully on the documentary right now

he has his elbow propped up on the arm of the couch and he’s just watching you sitting cross-legged behind the coffee table with your stir-fried vegetables and fried (brown) rice ((because it’s healthier and has less sugar))

he smiles to himself when he sees you try to feed yourself while keeping your eyes on the screen

a carrot chunk falls off your chopsticks but you stick the chopsticks in your mouth anyway and you??? start chewing??? yoongi’s staring at you and he’s like there’s nothing in your moUTH

“Maybe you can continue watching the documentary after you finish your dinner.” you literally growl at yoongi when he reaches for the remote and he raises his hands in defence immediately

“Your rice is getting cold. Eat up.” yoongi sighs when you shove like three grains of rice into your mouth and the rest of it spills onto the table 

“Okay, I didn’t think it would have to come to this.”

yoongi gets off the couch and squeezes in next to you and pulls your plate and your bowl towards him

“what are you doing??” you whine because your food is being snaTCHED

“I’m feeding you because you’re incapable of feeding yourself. The sun’s going to come up by the time you finish your meal and you need to be in bed in an hour and a half. You haven’t showered yet, either. Open.” yoongi holds up a hearty spoonful of rice and you’re hesitant at first because now you really feel like a baby and you feel kinda silly but then he’s nudging it against your lips and you open your mouth automatically

and of course your head turns right back to the screen while you eat happily

…actually you could probably get used to this lol

you are now realising how lazy you are

hm

one month later

it’s a lazy friday night and you and yoongi are in the middle of a documentary marathon but of course you got distracted and started talking about something else

you two were actually supposed to go out tonight (there’s this adorable ice cream parlour you’ve been begging yoongi to go to) but then yoongi predicted that it was going to rain because apparently ‘Humidity levels are at 75% right now.’

“so the vine goes ‘road work ahead? yeah, i sure hope it does’!” you burst into laughter and when you calm down yoongi’s staring at you like you’re crazy “don’t you get it? because the sign said that the road works ahead and-“

“Yep. I get it. I just don’t get it, you know? Is this what humans find humorous?”

“well ya i guess so”

“Oh. What a sad, sad world we live in.”

okay so yoongi obviously isn’t a fan of vine humour

maybe you can find something else to talk about

“did namjoon make like a girl version of you?? maybe he’s making a lil girlfriend for you back at the lab” you wink and nudge his side playfully

“I did overhear a conversation between Namjoon and Seokjin about creating a female version of me. M1N Y00NJI will be her name, I believe.”

“oh. so she’s not a girlfriend, she’s like… she’s like your sister”

“Yes. And incest is highly inappropriate.”

“and super gross.”

“And super gross.” yoongi nods in agreement

there’s a moment of silence and the two of you stare at the documentary playing on the screen until yoongi breaks the silence

“Do you have a significant other?”

“me? oh god, no. i mean, like, i used to, but then-“

“It’s okay. I know all about him. You don’t have to explain.” yoongi hands you the bowl of popcorn when you reach out and make grabby hands at it

another moment of silence goes by

“Do you have feelings for Jungkook?”

now thAt gets your attention

you clear your throat and turn to face yoongi before pursing your lips

you were pretty sure you still had a teeny weeny crush on jungkook but you’re 100% confident that it’s not as intense as it used to be

like sure sometimes you still fantasise about kissing jungkook and holding his hand and all that gooey stuff but like

most of the time you’re with yoongi and in the couple of months that you’ve gotten to know him you realise how thoughtful and sweet and caring he is underneath his cold demeanour

and you had a fleeting thought that maybe your romantic feelings for jungkook had transferred over to yoongi but

well that would be silly

after all

yoongi’s not even human

“i… i mean, kind of? but i know he’d never go for someone like me, so I-“

“Why not?” yoongi keeps staring ahead “You’re very nice. You’re funny. You’re thoughtful. You’re kind. And you always share your snacks with other people even though I know you would much rather hog your crackers and juice to yourself.”

you laugh a little at that and then shrug your shoulders

“i dunno. if he was interested in me then he would’ve made a move but…” you continue rambling and yoongi drowns you out a little

yoongi is in a little bit of a sticky situation

last week he kind of developed a new emotion and he’s not exactly sure what it is

it’s a positive emotion for sure

and for some reason he only feels it when he’s around you

but he knows that it isn’t right

he shouldn’t be feeling like this with you

it’s not appropriate and it’s not fair to you if he suddenly told you that he felt a certain way about you

as disappointing as it is at the end of the day he is just… an android

“You should tell him that you like him. You only live once, you know.” yoongi suddenly cuts you off and he swallows thickly

he already regrets telling you that

“He’s working late at the lab tonight. Maybe you can bring him a drink. You still have the 6-pack of banana milk that you were saving for when he comes over.”

yep

he’s definitely regretting this

he turns to look at you and he can see the gears clicking in your head

he’s not just doing this for you

he’s doing this for himself

seeing you with someone else will help him control this new emotion

so this is a good plan

yep

“i don’t… i don’t know, yoongs. i don’t think it’s a good idea.” you scratch the back of your neck and jump when yoongi turns off the tv suddenly

“Y/N, you have to do this. You like him.”

yoongi is right

you do… like jungkook

…don’t you?

when yoongi shuts the door after you leave he lets out a small breath and ignores the new feeling growing in his chest

he feels a pang of pain within him

but this is good

he can’t be with you and that’s just the way things are

you don’t think you’ve ever run so quickly in your entire life but there you are practically sprinting to the labs in the middle of a fuckign thunderstorm (it was fine the first two minutes and then suddenly there was a rumble and it starting raining cats and dogs) because you’re about to confess your feelings of ~romance~ to jungkook

your heart tingles a little at the thought of jungkook’s smile

and the sound of his laugh

it’s kind of hard to see with the rain pouring down on you and your hair in your eyes but you manage to find your employee card in your wallet

“c’mon, don’t let me down now” you swipe your employee card in the access bar and it blinks from red to green and you hear the kachunk of the front doors unlocking

your shoes squeak down the hallway as you run towards the direction of the genius lab

you slow down as you approach the two white doors and you let out a shaky breath

you can hear jungkook talking to someone and you automatically assume he’s on the phone with taehyung or someone else

this is going to be great

you’re gonna be fine

you have high hopes!!!!

you give yourself a mini pep-talk before nodding confidently and striding towards the white doors

there are little circle-shaped windows on the door and as you walk closer you start to see the top of jungkook’s cute lil head

and just as you’re about to push open the doors

you see it

jungkook and ji-eun

they’re laughing at something but you don’t know what

the smile slowly fades from your face and you feel your heart drop to your stomach

all you notice is her hand on his thigh and the way they’re leaning into each other as they giggle

jungkook’s cheeks are flushed and so are ji-eun’s and he stares at her like…

like he loves her

he’s never looked at you like that before

and suddenly ji-eun’s leaning in and planting her lips against jungkook’s

and for some reason

nothing

you feel nothing

well

that’s a lie

you feel a little twinge of heartbreak because you’ve been crushing on jungkook for so long and he’s woW they are definitely making out right now

as you head back the only boy on your mind is yoongi

because yoongi’s always there for you at the end of the day no matter what

on the trek back home you’re suddenly hit with the depressing thought of ‘well, it happened again. you thought someone liked you and it turns out that they liked someone else aka you got rejected for the millionth time in your life’

that kind of dampens your mood and suddenly

you’re just… really, really sad

why does this always happen to you?

you get your hopes up only to have them shot down at the end

and each time you think something different will happen but you always get the same result

damn

“Hey! How did it g- Woah.” yoongi shoots up from the couch when he hears the front door open and the familiar sound of you kicking your shoes off and tossing your keys on the table

you’re soaking wet from the rain and you’re still clutching the six pack of banana milk to your chest

and usually you greet yoongi when you get home but you’re just silently peeling your jacket off and running a hand through your tangled hair

that can only mean

oh

yoongi knows you more than anything else in the world so he knows that the last thing you want is to talk about what just happened

so he acts natural

“You’re going to catch a cold if you keep standing around like that. Come - I’ll draw a bath for you.” he picks up your wet jacket before grasping your wrist and leading you towards the bathroom

“with bubbles?” you murmur quietly and if yoongi had a heart it would clench right now because he’s never seen you look so defeated before

“With all the bubbles in the entire world.”

yoongi dips his hand into the water to test the temperature before pulling it out and shaking some bubbles off

“Alright, I think we’re good to go.” he gets up off his knees before wiping his hands off on his shirt

you toss the dirty makeup wipe in the bin before reaching down to undo the knot of your robe and yoongi’s like okAy i guess that’s my cue to leave

“I’ll be in the living room. We… we can have ice cream after your bath if you want.”

“strawberry cheesecake?”

“Mhm. Don’t stay in for too long or you’ll become wrinkly.” yoongi shuts the door behind him and heads towards the living room

his goal tonight is to cheer you up from this damn jungkook fiasco

he hates to see you upset

you don’t deserve to have your heart broken

you’re a sweet girl and you’re funny and kind and adorable and yoongi… yoongi really, really has taken a liking to you

he doesn’t know when it happened

but one day when you were telling him about your day he kinda just had a weird feeling

he noticed that he was paying more attention to the way your lips would curl around certain words and the way your nose would crinkle slightly whenever you laugh

it’s been almost six months since he first met you

you with your (still) mismatched socks and your greasy pizza

he shakes his head and hurries to get the living room ready and comfortable for you for after your bath

things are different now.

“you forgot to get my PJs for me so i just grabbed your hoodie out of the hamper” yoongi jumps when he hears your voice from behind him

he turns around and it takes everything within him not to explode from all the uwus right now

your cheeks are rosy and your hair is a lil damp but you look so cute wearing his hoodie and a pair of mismatched fuzzy socks

“Come sit. I have ice cream and a whole line-up of your favourite romantic comedies we can watch.”

“you really know the way to my heart” you sigh happily and plop down next to yoongi and he’s fully aware that he’s overheating a little bit right now

his face is sO hot

about half an hour passes and yoongi figures he’d give it a go

it is good to get your feelings out after all

“So… you gonna tell me what happened?”

“in the movie? haven’t you been paying attention?”

“Not in the movie, dummy. With… Jungkook?”

there’s a moment of silence and you slowly set the tub of ice cream down before clearing your throat

yoongi lowers the volume of the tv

“yeah, i don’t know.. it was stupid of me to think that jungkook would be interested in me so…i dunno i’m not that bummed out about it for some reason??” you scratch the back of your neck and lean back against the couch

there’s another moment of silence before yoongi speaks up

“You should be with someone more compatible with you.” you don’t know if it’s just the light playing tricks on your eyes but you swear you see yoongi’s cheeks heat up a little “According to your common interests, personality type, and even astrological signs - you and Jungkook are a mere 36% romantically compatible.”

“that makes sense….. out of all the boys who’s the most compatible with me? just curious” you lean back against the couch and you can’t help but smile when you see yoongi and his concentration face

he definitely picked it up from you because your eyebrows scrunch together and your lips purse slightly and he’s doing exactly that

“You and Namjoon: 62%. You and Seokjin: 51%. You and Hoseok: 28%. You and Jimin: 72%. You and Taehyung: 69%.” yoongi pauses and he looks like he wants to say something “…Youandme:98%.”

“you know i really thought that joon and i would be more compatible considering we’ve known each other since- wait what”

did he just

you and him??????? are 98% compatible???????/?

the two of you are kind of just staring at each other and for the first time yoongi’s the one who averts his gaze and he reaches up to scratch the back of his neck

woW he really did pick up your habits no wonder you guys are compatible

you like yoongi but he’s a robot and you’re a human and sure in today’s society it’s pretty normal for humans to seek comfort and companionship in an android but you never thought you’d be one of them

like you always saw yourself being with another human that was why you pined after jungkook so much but

what you needed was right in front of you this whole time

and yes you have to admit that at some point in time your feelings for yoongi shifted from platonic to romantic but you thought you were just getting attached because of the lack of romance in your life

and yes you’ve gotten used to yoongi waking you up every morning and sending you off with a cup of coffee and then when you get home he’s always there with dinner and he’s always down to cuddle

and you remember how roboT-y and coldhearted he was eight months ago but he’s a completely different android now

he’s a big softie and he’s sweet and kind and funny and charming

oh god

you like yoongi

but

he’s not even

he’s not even a person he’s a robot

“I’m sorry. That was inappropriate of me. I’m sensing discomfort from you. Please forget I said anything. I must head back and recharge. My battery is low.” yoongi quickly gets up from the couch and before you can say anything he’s dashing off to his room and you can hear him shut the door quietly

you check his app on your phone

his battery is at 72% only

that night you find yourself standing outside of yoongi’s room with your fist raised to the door

you can’t bring yourself to knock because what the heck are you going to say????

you decide that the best thing to do for now is just leave yoongi alone

it’ll be good for the both of you to have a little alone time

let you think things out and all that

yeah

you nod to yourself and head to your bedroom before shutting the door behind you

you’ll see yoongi tomorrow

you wake up by yourself the next morning

your body’s used to waking up early now which is good but a part of you wanted to wake up to see yoongi pushing open your curtains or even getting your clothes ready for you

you make a cup of coffee for yourself and spend about twenty minutes watching some tv and sipping quietly on your coffee

you’re hoping the fact that you’re watching cartoons will lure yoongi out of his room but

nothing

“yoongi? i’m leaving for work now. i’ll see you later?” you’re standing in front of yoongi’s room with your hand on the door handle

you get silence in response

“yoongs?” you push down the door handle and your brows furrow in confusion when you realise the door’s been locked

your heart clenches a little

he’s never locked the door before

he doesn’t even want to talk to you

and you don’t want to bother him and make it worse

fuck

your phone buzzes and you pull it out to see that you have to leave now if you want to be on time

okay

maybe you’ll see him when you come back??

“morning, y/n!” you nearly drop the stack of books in your arms when jungkook appears out of nowhere

“oh, hey kook” you muster a smile and set the books down carefully

“i brought you a coffee and a muffin” he puts it down on the countertop before shooting you a signature smile

and for some reason your heart doesn’t flutter in the same way it usually does because all you can think about it yoongi

“thanks, kook.” you sigh and plop down on your chair “what’s up?”

“you’re a girl, right?”

ouch

you look down at your boobs

“last time i checked, yes”

he blushes and immediately chuckles before scratching the back of his neck

“i-i mean, like, you’re a girl, so you would know what girls like”

“uh-huh”

“since you’re a girl-“

“as you’ve established multiple times”

“where would you want to go? on like, a first date kinda scenario”

huh

this must be for ji-eun

“i’m pretty basic, so a dinner and a movie would suffice! even like a netflix binge at home would make me happy. yoongi and i have been binge watching these nature documentaries and he doesn’t usually want me eating on the couch because one time i accidentally got spaghetti all over the pillows and-“ you immediately cut yourself off and the smile kinda fades from your face

you miss yoongi so much

“um, yeah - dinner and a movie.” you clear your throat and shrug

“you okay?” jungkook furrows his brows and looks at you in a concerned manner

“ya! yeah, i’m fine. sorry, i just… went off on a tangent there.” you laugh nervously

maybe you should tell jungkook about yoongi

but then he’d ask you what happened and you don’t want to have to explain the whole thing to him

it’ll be fine you’ll figure something out

“you should probably head back. thank you for the coffee and the muffin!!”

the rest of the day kind of drags on slowly

you find yourself looking at the clock very frequently waiting for it to hit 5:30 so you can leave and go home and hopefully see yoongi

but you don’t see him when you get back

and you don’t see him the next day

or the next day

or the next day

your concern grows as the days go by

yoongi literally hasn’t come out of his room in days

you decided you’d leave him alone mainly because you didn’t know how to approach the situation yourself

you knocked on his door a couple times to remind him to charge up but each time you were just met with silence

another three days go by and yoongi still hasn’t come out of his room

you’ve been doing everything to try and get him to come out

you turned on all the stoves

you left all the lights on

you even left the door unlocked one night which was terrifying because anyone could just walk in

you also accidentally sliced your finger when you were making a sandwich one afternoon and you were bleeding all over the place but yoongi didn’t rush out with a first aid kit like he usually does

you check your Y00NGI app on your phone everyday and everyday it says he’s 100% charged so at least you don’t have to worry about that

but tonight

something just doesn’t feel right

you’re not exactly sure what it is

you can barely focus on the nature documentary playing on the TV

you twist your bracelet around your wrist and you’re like okay that’s it i gotta check on yoongi

you open all the kitchen drawers and finALLy find the key to yoongi’s room

“yoongi? i’m coming in,” you sigh and shove the key into the hole before twisting and-

holy shit

“yoongi!” you gasp and immediately scramble over and fall to your knees

yoongi’s on the ground and he’s completely pale

you can see all the lines and wires and digits lighting up under his skin

you grasp his face and see that his iris’ and pupils are milky  

“oh god oh god oh god oh god” you manage to yank the power chord down from his pod and you shove it into the nape of his neck and your phone automatically syncs up with the pod

N O   S I G N A L

“what?? no signal??” you unplug it and shove it into yoongi’s neck again and still you’re met with the blinking red  N O   S I G N A L

“no no nonononono yoongi please c’mon” you grab his shoulders and shake him hard but he remains… lifeless “oh god, fuCk”

quickly, you dial namjoon’s number and the next thing you know you feel a lump growing in your throat and your eyes are starting to well up with tears

“hello?”

“namjoon, help, i- i don’t know what happened- yoongi, he- i just came in and-“ you’re stuttering all over the place and namjoon has no idea what’s happening

“y/n, slow down - what’s wrong?”

“i-i don’t know! i don’t know what’s wrong with him, i should’ve checked on him earlier but - oh god, namjoon, something’s wrong with yoongi h-his eyes are all milky and-”

“what? y/n - bring him to the lab, okay? we’ll meet you there and see what we can do”

“o-okay”

“it’s going to be fine, yoongi’s going to be fine. hurry, okay?”

“yeah, okay” you hang up and tuck your phone into your pocket and you give yourself a second to calm down

it’ll be fine

yoongi’s going to be fine

“c’mon, yoongi” you grunt and you end up basically dragging yoongi down the hallway and out the door

how the hell did this even happen?

how did he make it seem like he was 100% charged and his vitals were good???

this is literally all your fault

you should’ve said something the night he told you that you two were the most romantically compatible

you should’ve told him you felt the same way but nO you were too scared of what other people might think of you being in a relationship with a damn robot

being in a relationship with an android is sO normal nowadays

what were you thinking?? you should’ve said something to him instead of letting him lock himself up in his room

you look at the front mirror and see yoongi just slouching over in the back and his head his bobbing up and down

you quickly wipe your tears as you speed down the highway

the last thing you need is to get into a car crash so you can’t be sobbing and driving at the same time

when you get to the lab you’re relieved to see all of the boys waiting outside with a gurney

you practically stumble out of the car and the boys are quick to get yoongi out

“on the count of three - one, two, three-!” jungkook and jin lift yoongi’s limp body onto the gurney and goD knowing that yoongi’s in this state makes you want to cry even more

hoseok immediately plugs a power line into yoongi’s neck

yoongi’s veins all light up momentarily before disappearing and he seizes up

“what happened??” namjoon gives you a quick hug before pulling away to look at you with worry

“i.. i don’t know - it’s my fault, he said something to me and i- i should’ve said something back but i didn’t and-“

namjoon rushes over and shines a flashlight into yoongi’s eyes

“his pupils aren’t responding” hoseok mutters and namjoon nods in acknowledgement “what the hell happened?”

“he overcharged himself. his wires are fried.” namjoon murmurs in response and turns yoongi’s head to inspect his charging port “y/n, how long did he lock himself up for?”

“i don’t know, it must’ve been like… like 10 days?” namjoon curses to himself

an android overcharging itself almost never happens

unless yoongi did it on purpose

“okay. let’s get him into the lab and see what we can do.”

you grip onto yoongi’s hand as everyone heads into the building

“i…i think we might have to reboot his system because i honestly have no idea what other option we have”

“wait hyung but if we reboot his system won’t that wipe his database clean-“

“it’s going to be fine.” namjoon gives jimin a warning look and jimin’s like eughghhhh okayyyYy aND looks at you worryingly

once they wipe yoongi’s database there’s a high chance he’ll forget everything

including you

they’re about to bring yoongi into the lab but then namjoon notices you’re still holding his hand and he’s like okay you have to wait outside y/n i’m sorry

“but i wanna go inside too” you whimper and step even closer to the gurney

“i know you do but we can’t have anyone besides us in the lab when we’re rebooting a bot”

“why not??”

“y/n we just can’t it’s the rule-“

“no. i’m going inside too because-“

“y/n we love you but we seriously can’t let you in, okay? you can see yoongi afterwards.” jin cuts in and looks at you seriously and reaches down to pull your hand away from yoongi

your grip on him only tightens and with each passing moment you get more and more distraught and the boys have no idea what to do

“y/n, we don’t have time-”

“no please i wanna go inside i wanna be with yoongi” you’re sobbing at this point and namjoon’s heart clenches at the sight of how distraught you are

they all give each other looks of acknowledgement

the plan is to make you let go and then they’ll all move quickly into the lab

namjoon reaches down quickly and yanks your hand off and jungkook and hoseok work to push the gurney into the lab with jimin and jin holding the doors open

the moment you feel yoongi’s hand slip from your grasp you immediately go into a panic mode and you chase after joon and the others but suddenly taehyung’s grabbing you from behind keeping you in the waiting area

“c’mon, jagi, it’s okay,” you feel taehyung wrap an arm around you from behind but that only serves to make you struggle and freak out even more

“nO NO NO PLEASE PLEASE NAMJOON LET ME GO IN DON’T TAKE YOONGI AWAY FROM ME-“ namjoon shakes his head and drowns you out as he shuts and bolts the door behind him

he can still hear you sobbing and he hears poor taehyung trying to console you  

“i’m sorry, i’m sorry,” both you and tae are on the floor and he’s wrapped you up in a hug and is stroking your hair

his own eyes are welling up with tears because he hates seeing his friends in pain like this

“it’s all my fault,” you hiccup and taehyung shakes his head quickly

“it’s not. nothing is your fault. you didn’t know.”

“but what if they can’t reboot him and he doesn’t make-“

“y/n, your friends are all geniuses, okay? yoongi’s going to be fine.”

you spend the next two hours cuddled up to taehyung in the waiting room

you’re going in and out of sleep because it’s nearly 3AM and still no word from namjoon

“i think i should take you home, jagi” taehyung whispers and you shake your head quickly

“i can’t leave him again” you sniffle and rub at your eyes because god damnit you feel yourself crying again

“you need to sleep”

“i’ll sleep here”

“tae?” you perk up when you see hoseok poke his head out of the lab doors “we need you in here”

taehyung turns to look at you and you’re like it’s okay you can go i’ll be fine

“if you need anything just page one of us” taehyung hands you his pager before quickly going into the lab  

about twenty minutes pass and suddenly you feel your phone buzz

Notification: Y00NGI APP - (6) MESSAGES

you furrow your brows because how are you getting a message from yoongi right now

turns out there was a glitch in the app and you aren’t getting these messages until now

your eyes start watering again when you read the messages

“I’m sorry. I should not have said those things to you. It was entirely inappropriate of me. I just wanted you to know that you deserve to be with someone who loves you just as much as I do.”

“I have never felt this way before. I did not even know I was capable of feeling such emotions. You make me feel overwhelmingly happy all the time. I have thoroughly enjoyed being your caretaker and more importantly, your companion.”

“I know that you feel the same way about me as I feel about you. But I also know how you feel about android-human relationships. I’m going to do something that I think will be for the best.”

“Y/N. I’m sorry. Don’t forget about me. I won’t forget about you.”

“Live a long and happy life.”

“Yours forever, Yoongi.”  

you bite down on the inside of your cheek to keep yourself from sobbing

you’re just so emotionally and physically drained right now

you hate yourself

you just want yoongi back

you sniffle and rub furiously at your eyes because you feel them welling up again

okay you need a distraction

the wifi isn’t working for some reason so you end up flipping through your camera roll

and oh

there are so many pictures of yoongi on your roll

you can’t help but laugh quietly to yourself

he sure does love his selfies

your pretty boy-bot

a yawn escapes you and you stretch your aching limbs out a little before turning to lie down on the hard bench

the boys really need to invest in like a sofa or something

soon enough you fall asleep on the bench clutching your phone to your chest

“y/n?” your eyes pop wide open when you hear namjoon open the lab doors

“how is he?? is he okay??” you scramble off the seat and run up to namjoon

“well, we managed to replace some of the wires in his neck. we replaced his eyes, too. can’t have a blind android. luckily not everything was destroyed when he overcharged himself. we didn’t have to completely reboot him but…”

“but?” namjoon’s eyes flicker down to his clipboard

“he actually developed a new emotion.”

wat

why is he telling you this right now

“that’s great joonie but i just wanna know if he’s alive or not”

“he’s fine - don’t worry, he’s fine. i just… why don’t you come in and see for yourself?” namjoon lets you in and you’re shocked to see yoongi hooked up to a bunch of different computers and machines

you immediately walk over to look at him and

he still looks the same

he’s still your yoongi

“okay, you ready?”

“mm”

namjoon hits a button on one of the machines

you jump when yoongi’s eyes open and light up and suddenly a bunch of videos appear around the room like holograms

and all of the videos are of you

like when yoongi patched up your knee and your hands and pressed a kiss to your knuckles - that was the first time he learned to give affection

or when he scolded you for coming home late and taking your bracelet off - his first time displaying emotions of frustration and worry

the two of you watching beneath the water for the tenth time in a row because you pulled out your puppy dog eyes and yoongi can’t resist them

there are just multiple videos hovering around the room and all of the videos are just of you

“i think… i think Y00NGI loves you” namjoon is genuinely shocked because he wasn’t expecting thIS as a result of him building yoongi in the first place

“but that’s- that’s not possible, right??? i mean he’s a robot and robots don’t…. they don’t love”

“not usually - obviously there are robots out there for companionship or for sex or whatever but i’ve never heard of a case where the android was capable of loving someone… i don’t know if i should label yoongi as faulty because i seriously was noT expecting this…”

you’re half listening to namjoon and half just watching all the videos that are playing around you

“of course - Y00NGI isn’t like other androids… i built him so that he learns from people and adapts to his environment…. he’s around you most of the time and… i suppose it is possible for an android to love??? he’s just so lifelike now i can’t tell if this is a failure or a success”

“he’s not a failure!!! isn’t it better for him to be more lifelike? then the companionship and the romantic aspect of it becomes more realistic”

“i don’t know y/n… i don’t know if i want mY bots like… falling in love with their clients… the purpose of the androids are to help people not fall in love with people”

“why can’t they do both??”

now that has namjoon thinking

hm

maybe you’re right

maybe he can start a line of ..,, relationship robots??

namjoon hits the button again and yoongi’s eyes immediately shut

“how come he’s not… is he in a coma or something?”

“i don’t know, y/n. i think we should give him a couple days - he probably needs to get used to the new hard drive.”

you sit down on the stool and you grip yoongi’s hand and bring it up to your mouth to plant a tiny kiss on his knuckles

yoongi might be in love with you

no

according to namjoon yoongi is definitely in love with you

and you love him

more than anything in the entire world

you scoot up a little so that you’re closer to his face and you reach over to brush a strand of hair out of his eyes

you purse your lips in frustration and boop yoongi’s nose

you miss his voice

you miss his laugh

you miss his touch

you miss those pretty brown eyes

“yoongs,” you whisper so sO quietly and lean in to press a tiny kiss to his cheek “i love you”

for now it’s just the sound of machines whirring and beeping

and then it happens

yoongi’s finger twitches ever so slightly

“yoongi??” you stand up quickly and the others rush over

you’re all hovering over yoongi when he opens his eyes and a breath of relief leaves everyone and the boys are all high-fiving and fist-bumping each other

oh thank god

thank GOD

you immediately scramble on top of yoongi so you can hug him and it’s kind of an awkward position but you’re making it work

he sits up from the table while you’re still cruSHing him in a hug

“oh my god yoongi i-i thought i lost you forever i’m so sorry i should’ve done something sooner-“

“Hello. I am M1N Y00NGI.”

you pull away immediately and look at his face in confusion

“wha… what?”

his eyes scan your face momentarily

“You are Y/N Y/L/N. I am your personal human mind model adaptive super android.”  

you turn to look at namjoon and your eyes begin welling up with tears

“joon he doesn’t- he doesn’t remember who i am? i thought you said you didn’t reboot his system” you whimper and namjoon’s frantically flipping through the papers on his clipboard

“h-hold on y/n we’ll be back we need to check what wires we used on yoongi” taehyung squeezes your arm and you nod and then they’re all leaving the lab whispering things to each other

you turn to look at yoongi again and his eyes are just…

empty

looking into his eyes is like looking into a void

he doesn’t remember you

“no… no, please, you know me, you know who i am” you sniffle and reach up to cup his cheeks

“You are Y/N Y/L/N. I am M1N Y00NGI. I am your personal human-“ 

“yeah yeah you’re my personal human mind model adaptive super android but you’re moRe than M1N Y00NGI you’re my best friend a-and you take care of me and every morning you wake me up at seven every morning and you bring me lunch everyday and we read together and we watch nature documentaries together because you hate it when i watch cartoons and- don’t you remember???” you’re frantic at this point and you’re grasping at his shirt tightly 

“I am sorry. I am afraid I do not understand.” 

“you’re more than just Y00NGI you’re mY yoongi” 

“I am sorry. I am afraid I do not understand. I am your Y00NGI?” you nod desperately as a tear rolls down your cheek

“yes, yes, you’re my yoongi, and i’m your y/n, a-and you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me and i love you more than anything in this entire world but please pLease you have to try and remember me” you sob and yoongi remains stone still even as you’re pushing and smacking at his chest 

“You love me?” 

“i love you, i love you,” you whimper and rest your head on his shoulder in defeat

you’ve lost him

he’s gone forever and it’s all your damn fault

“Took you long enough to say it, you dolt.”

wait what

you pull away from yoongi’s shoulder and look at his face and his eyes have returned to their warm shade of caramel brown

your yoongi

this is your yoongi

“I thought it’d be funny to play a prank on you but I think I might’ve taken it a step too far.”

“yOONGI!!!!!!!!”

yoongi’s still trying to adjust himself to this new hard drive but it’s hard to do that with you kissing his face everywhere

he chuckles places his hands on your hips as you cup his face and just look at him

“you’re a dick” you sniffle and rub at your swollen eyes

yoongi smiles and wipes a tear away before pinching your cheek playfully

“I’ve been told. Hi.”

“hi” you mumble

yoongi takes his bottom lip in between his teeth and his eyes flicker down to your mouth

you’re about to ask him how he’s feeling and ambush him with questions but he holds a finger up to your lips

“Say it.”

“say what?”

“You know what.”

“you’re going to have to be more specific” you tease and yoongi gives you a look

you press your lips together and wrap your arms around yoongi’s neck

“Well?”

“well what”

“I literally almost died and you’re still going to put me through-“

yoongi’s eyes go wide and his computer-brain basically short circuits when you suddenly lean in and plant your lips on his

god your lips are soft

and yoongi’s like

so this is a human kiss

totally worth it

yoongi’s eyes flutter shut when he feels you tug at his wrist to get him to respond and then he’s kissing you back with such love and affection and tenderness that it makes both of your guys heads spin

you pull away and yoongi feels himself overheating when you nudge your nose against his

“i love you.”

yoongi doesn’t even hesitate to respond

“I love you too.”

“give the man some space y/n we just resurrected him” jungkook walks in and the other boys are behind him

you immediately blush and move to get off of yoongi but his arm slithers around your waist and he pulls you in closer

“were you people in on this sick prank????” you scowl and squish your cheek against yoongi’s as you wrap your arms around his neck

“we’re sorry!!! it was all yoongi’s idea okAY” jimin raises his hands in defence

how are you holding up, champ?” namjoon walks over and gives yoongi a pat on the back “feeling okay?”

“mm, i’m feeling good. you really tightened my wires, didn’t you?” yoongi tilts his head and cracks his neck before wincing

“yeah - they’re extra durable so you can’t fucking overcharge yourself like an idiot again” yoongi gets a smack across the head from each of the boys and you whine and swat their hands away before cradling his head and bringing him down to rest against your chest

and yoongi’s like teehee because his face in between your boobs

“leave him alone! he’s gone through an exhausting 48 hours. …but i agree, you fuckign idiot” you swat yoongi’s head and he groans out in pain before reaching up and rubbing at the back of his head

“y/n, i gotta talk to you about something c’mere for a sec” namjoon calls for you and you nod before carefully crawling off of yoongi

before you get a chance to walk over yoongi grabs your wrist and pulls you in for a teeny kiss

“omg u have plenty of time to kiss each other later go to namjoon so we can double check yoongi’s wiring” jin smacks your arm and you scowl before hopping over to joon

“what’s up?”

“okay, you have to promise not to get mad.”

“…what did you do”

namjoon presses his lips together and tucks a pen behind his ear before leaning back against the table

“about a month after you took yoongi in, i actually got a request from… a really, really wealthy girl - she… well… next month will be your seventh month with yoongi.. and technically your- our - contract terminates automatically after eight months…”

you furrow your brows in confusion

namjoon’s never brought this up before

“ikindofsortofmaybesoldyoongitothisgirl”

wow

this day just keeps getting better

“you…”

“…”

“YOU DID WHAT- OOF I’M GONNA FUCKGIN KILL YOU GET OVER HERE” the next thing namjoon sees is you lunging at him and suddenly you’re chasing him around the lab and yoongi and the boys are all like um wtf is happening

namjoon has string bean legs so obviously he’s getting away from you pretty easily but you still run as fast as you goddamn can

“y/N WAIT JUST LET ME EXPLAIN” somehow you and namjoon end up standing at opposite ends of a table with vERY SHArp tools

“YOU’VE DONE PLENTY OF EXPLAINING GET OVER HERE” when you round the table to get to namjoon he moves quickly and ends up where you were just standing

“listen liSTEN i can laBEL HIM AS FAULTY and tell her i have to make anoTHER model for her!!” you don’t even register what namjoon’s saying because you are positively fumING

if you were in a cartoon smoke would be coming out of your ears

you pick up what’s closest to you which happens to be a pair of long tweezers

“i’m going to pluck your eyES OUT NAMJOON”

“you can keEP YOONGI FOR CHRIST’S SAKES” jungkook grabs you before you can hop over the table to strangle namjoon and you’re like wait what

“you can keep yoongi” he breathes out and presses a hand over his chest “people are willing to pay miLLions of dollars for yoongi but i’m going to label him as faulty so you can keep him - for frEE.”

good god you’re terrifying when you’re angry  

“oh”

“uh-huh”

“then why even bring it up in the first place?”

“you… yoongi’s going to be your permanent responsibility and i need to know that you can handle it. he is my first creation after all. yoongi’s my baby! even though he’s technically older than me. you know… i… you won’t have to bring him in for check ups every two weeks anymore but i need to know that you’ll be able to handle any given situation” namjoon scratches the back of his neck

your heart warms a little because namjoOn cares thAT much about yoongi

“like what if he has a loose wire somewhere and-“

“joon, i promise you i will take care of yoongi” you hold a hand to your chest and you’re about to reassure him even more but yoongi butts in

“Um, is everyone forgetting that I’m like, a genius android? I could perform brain surgery if I really wanted to. I’m sure I’ll be able to take care of a loose wire.”

“…fair enough” namjoon’s like :’) i’m so proud of my android baby :’) but here y/n take this basic manuscript on how to rewire wires :’)

“i can’t believe you made me cry like that” after namjoon and the others triple-check that yoongi’s good to go they give you the green light to head home

“I’m sorry, baby. It won’t happen again. I love you.” yoongi squeezes your hand and your heart flutters in your chest

you swing your arms back and forth before stopping and standing in front of yoongi and yanking him down to kiss you

“i love me too” yoongi scowls and digs his fingers into your side making you giggle “i love u too”

“should we get pizza to celebrate?”  

“…In your dreams.”

>:-(

the two of you head over to the car and once you’re buckled in you turn to face yoongi with your hands on the steering wheel

“so where are we heading now?”

“…Home.”

home :)

you don’t like to admit it but sometimes you like to take advantage of the fact that yoongi is an android

especially when he’s in the middle of his charging time

“we shouldn’t have had a harry potter marathon because it drained all the battery out of me” yoongi winces as you plug his cord into his neck a little too roughly

you apologize and give him a lil kiss before moving to sit on the bed

the two of you decided it’d be a good idea to move yoongi’s fridge (“Stop calling it a fridge, Y/N. It’s my charging pod.” “...issa fridge”) into the bedroom now that you two are,,, together

“...i’m going to go eat some lucky charms now”

“Okay, but- wait, what? Lucky charms? I threw them out last week. Nice try, hiding the box under the bed.”

“uh-huh, under the bed.” you smirk and stand up before heading over to the bedside drawer

“I don’t like that look on your face. What are you up to?” yoongi furrows his brows when he sees you pull out a tampon box out of the drawers “Are you ovulating? My calendar tells me that you’re not supposed to-“ he immediately stops talking when you open up the box to reveal noT tampons but just straight up lucky charms

and it’s not even lucky charms it’s just lucky charm MARSHMALLOWS

“Oh my god.”

“oh my god indeed” you grin and shovel a handful of marshmallows into your mouth and yoongi winces when he senses your blood sugar shOOt up

“Y/N, no.” he gives you a stern look and you shrug innocently before popping another marshmallow into your mouth and crunching down on it

“y/n, yes. i’m going to eat ALL OF THESE RIGHT NOW” you zip out of the room and yoongi groans loudly and reaches up to pull the plug out of his neck  

but he’s stuck there because the cord won’t unplug until he’s up to at least 30% charged

he really needs to do a more thorough check of the bedroom next time

of course karma’s a bitch so you end up drinking the blandest chicken soup for dinner that night to ‘flush out the toxins and chemicals’

sometimes you have … depressing thoughts

like you know that it’s impossible for you and yoongi to grow old together and that you’re going to turn into a sack of wrinkly prunes one day and he’s still going to look like he’s 25

somewhere down the line you’ll have to end things with yoongi and find an actual human being because you want to have a family and yoongi’s fake semen isn’t going to get you anywhere

or maybe you can ask namjoon to make robot-human babies if that’s even possible

that sounds terrifying actually

but you know what

you’re just living your best life right now

you’re young and you don’t have a care in the world

the world of android-human relationships is a completely normal concept in this century

you’re having fun with your android-boyfriend!!! enjoy the present :-))))

speaking of your android-boyfriend

dating yoongi includes ((but is not limited to!!)) lazy make-out sessions because that’s just who he is

like you’ll be watching some documentary and you’ll be cuddled up to yoongi’s chest

these nature documentaries have become your favourite thing to watch but whenever yoongi’s busy with something you sneak away to watch your cartoons because you could never give up adventure time

anyways

yoongi gets pretty bored quickly with these documentaries mainly because everything the narrator’s saying,,, he already knows

you have your head on his chest and he likes to hook a finger under your chin and bring your face up to his before pressing his lips against yours

and usually you entertain him for a second and kiss him back but your eyes are still glued on the screen while you’re kissing him

and thaT’s when he gets pouty

“Baby, pay attention to me.” yoongi sighs and taps your cheek gently and you turn to glance at him quickly

“i paid attention to you already” you give him a chaste kiss and he leans in to chase after your mouth but you’re already pulling away and settling back against his chest

“I’m bored.”

“yoU chose this documentary”

“I know, but I’m bored. And there are better ways to pass the time, you know.”

“like wha-yOongi!” the next thing you know yoongi’s pulling you onto his lap and you have your legs on either side of him and he already has his face in between your boobs “well this isn’t convenient for me because now i have to twist my back to look at the screen”

yoongi rolls his eyes and pauses the documentary before tossing the remote to the opposite end of the couch

“and you say i’m the one with the out of control hormones” yoongi hums and you squeak when you feel him grope your butt

what a gentleman

yoongi tells you make-out sessions are actually good for him because it allows him to learn more and stuff but ur like what kind of skills do u gain from making out with someone

it’s just because he’s a horn-dog

“my salmon’s going to burn in the oven, yoongi” you giggle against his lips and yoongi literally whines when you pull away which is sO adorable

“The salmon won’t burn. According to my timer, it’ll be cooked perfectly in 10 minutes.”

“oOH yeah baby keep talking technology to me mMm”

yoongi snorts and rolls his eyes but pulls you back in for another kiss

sometimes you forget yoongi is a super-intelligent robot and can pick up things like really reALLy quickly

“yoongi, oh goD yoongi” yoongi’s hands slide down to grip your ass as he continues helping you to push your hips down against his thigh

“Is that good, baby? Gonna cum all over my thigh? Greedy little thing…” hearing his low, raspy voice murmur that right into your ear would be enough to make you cum but also

where the HELL did he learn to talk like this  

“where’d you- yoongi, ah - where the hell’d you learn how to talk like that?”

yoongi pauses and pulls away before looking at you and blinking

“I downloaded an archive off of Pornhub.com so that I would be fully equipped with the skills required for you to have an orgasm. Is it not working?”

“no, it’s working, i just wasn’t expecting it” you’re still kind of breathless because you were literally riding his thigh for the last two minutes

and now you’re just perched on his lap casually having a conversation

“Oh. But you like it, right?”

“ya”

“Then why’d you stop me, dummy?” yoongi shifts under you and your eyes widen when you feel him press himself right against your core “Now be quiet and let me make you cum on my thigh.”

ah

your sweet yoongi

ever the romantic

also

um

tongue technology

“Jagi - if you keep squirming like that, I’m gonna have to hold you down harder and I might cause bruising which isn’t ideal.”

“i can’t help it” you whine and your hips automatically raise up from the bed

yoongi rolls his eyes and digs his fingers into your plush hips before forcing you down and woW you underestimated his strength because u literally can’t even move

“Well, help it.” he shrugs and proceeds to bury his face in between your legs again

he groans against you when you cry out in pleasure

something that you’ve learned about yoongi is the fact that he loves to tease

like seriously he teases so much it’s kind of concerning

“You have to tell me what you want, baby.”

“but i-“ you pout and whine underneath yoongi because he’s not giving you what you wANT

“Nuh-uh, don’t start whining now.”

and what he says next has your insides melting

“Tell daddy what you want.”

“daddy, please…i…”

“Hm? Couldn’t hear you, doll.” yoongi sighs and leans down to press a kiss against your inner thigh before blowing gently on your core and you instantly twitch

“i said i…”

“you?”

“ᶦ ʷᵃⁿᵗ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵗᵒⁿᵍᵘᵉ”

“That wasn’t so hard, was it?” yoongi has to admit he himself is getting a little impatient so he bends down and proceeds to eat you out as if he were starving

one of your hands slithers down to his hair while the other reaches back to grip at the headboards

god bLESS taehyung and his talent for designing yoongi    

the first time u and yoongi have sex

noW you see the hype with sex bots (even tho yoongi technically isn’t a sex bot but daMn he’d be a hit if he was marketed as one)

of course it starts off sweet and romantic because it is your first time with him after all

yoongi showers you with sweet n soft kisses and is so sO gentle with you

he’s positioned in between your legs snugly and has his fingers intertwined with yours with one hand while the other is propping him up a little

his forehead is pressed against yours and all of your senses are just flooded with yoongi yoongi yoongi

“yOongi, ah-“ you whimper and arch your back when he thrusts and hits that spot

“Mm, there?” yoongi’s nipping at your collarbone before he trails kisses up your neck and along your jaw and you nod desperately

“there, right thEre” a gasp slips past your lips and yoongi can’t help but smirk to himself proudly when he hits it again

“Does that feel good?” his voice is all low and raspy and good goD you could die right then and there

“yEaH yeah that f-feels good, feels really good, yoOngi- oh, god, i love y-yoU” your sharp nails bite into his back and yoongi bites down on your shoulder as payback  

yoongi thanks the android gods above because he’s able to capture the image of you having an orgasm and he can play it over and over and over again

your sweet little cries and moans and pants of pleasure

all for him

“Nngh- you okay?” yoongi shudders when you squeeze around him from the overstimulation

you nod bashfully and look away and yoongi think it’s sO adorable how shy you get post-sex

“Don’t get shy on me now, jagi.” yoongi coos and presses his lips against yours

you kiss back obediently but then you’re pushing at his chest gently “i wanna make you feel good too”

“It’s okay baby, you really don’t have to -“ it’s too late because you’re already pushing yoongi onto his back and crawling on top of him

“but i want to”

“…Only because you said so.” yoongi sits up eagerly and you can’t help but giggle at how quickly he changed his mind

so remember how sweet and romantic u guys were like twenty minutes ago

yeah

yEET

“Oh, fuck- you’re doing so good, baby, so good for me,” yoongi groans and his grip tightens on your hips and you cry out when he bucks up into you

“Yeah? Gonna cum again? Cum all over daddy’s cock?” yoongi has a hand in between your legs and is rubbing quick circles on your already sensitive clit

you nod quickly and furrow your brows before arching your back against him

“w-want you to cum i-inside” you breathe out and yoongi growls when you squeeze around him

oh god

yep

yoongi’s gonna exploDE

yoongi delivers a slap to your backside making you arch your back and cry out

“Beg for it, pretty girl.”

you get all bashful again and nuzzle into the crook of his neck and yoongi barely hears your little ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵘᵐ ᶦⁿˢᶦᵈᵉ ᶦ ʷᵃⁿᵗ ᶦᵗ  

“You weren’t this shy a second ago, baby…” you let out a pathetic whine in response and yoongi figures he’ll let you get away with it just oncE

he grips a handful of your ass and hooks a finger under your chin then pulls you closer so he can kiss you  

you kiss him back enthusiastically and your thighs are on fiRE but u know dis shit is gon be worth it so you power through

it’s a pretty messy and uncoordinated kiss and yoongi’s tongue is fully in your mouth

y’all are FREAKS

“Y/N, fuck, fuck, it’s happening, h-happening…” yoongi’s fingers dig into the flesh of your hip and he tosses his head back

the next thing you know both you and yoongi are seeing stars

yoongi feELs like he’s short circuiting that’S how good this orgasm is

“huh”

“what’s wrong” you wheel over to namjoon and the two of you look at an unconscious yoongi

namjoon has his neck flap opened so you can see all the wires running through yoongi

“this wire’s been burnt to a crisp”

“how?” you look at in in concern and ya namjoon’s right one single wire is split and completely fried

“it’s weird because this wire is the wire connected to, uh,, u know…”

“to the what”

“you and yoongi have.. sex, right?”

you blush instantly and clear your throat before pretending that you got a notification on your phone

“imeanlikeyeahiguessso”

“oH don’t worry there’s nothing wrong with that that’s totally fine” joon reassures you before picking up a pair of tweezers “this particular wire being all burnt up and crispy makes more sense now”

“what do u mean” you raise an eyebrow and pick up your bottle of water

“hand me the scissors” namjoon pauses and holds his hand out and you grab the scissors for him “…you made him nut so hard he busted a wire” he shrugs casually and you choke on your water

omg LOL

“i’m sorry whAt”

namjoon’s brows furrow as he ties the two loose ends together hoPefully that will fix it til the wires come “jimin - can you bring three single-strand wires? i have to replace yoongi’s triplex wire-“ he turns and raises an accusing brow at you and you huff “yeah, that one. the blue one. this should do the trick for now… i think”  

“here ya go”

“thank you- anyways yoongi wasn’t made to be a sex bot-“

“he’s noT A sex bot u know what sometimes he’S the one with the out of control hormones i like to think that he wants it more than i do-“

“so i guess i better pick up some more durable wires seeing that your guys’ relationship probably isn’t ending anytime soon” namjoon clicks yoongi’s neck flap shut and you have no idea how this silicone shit works but now it looks like a normal neck again “the wires will probably take two weeks to get here so,,, i’m sorry u sex fiend but no sex with yoongi for two weeks otherwise he might actually burst into flames”

taehyung comes over wearing a monocle looking thing and proceeds to do his part to yoongi which is just the ~outer appearance~

he doesn’t have to do much considering yoongi is pretty much perfect

“i’m on joon’s side - as much as i love and support this relationship i’m gonna need you to slow down a little” taehyung pauses to tweeze one of yoongi’s eyebrow hairs “because i’ve gone to the sex shop to buy fake semen so many times they asked me if i wanted an industrial sized juG of it”

yoongi’s learned to be very affectionate because of you but he has his limits

“Y/N, it’s time to wake up…” yoongi’s stroking some hair out of your face before he pokes your cheek gently

you grumble something under your breath and swat at his hand

“C’mon, jagi. You’re going to be late for work.” he sighs and reaches down to pull your (his) shirt down because it always rides up

you groan and flip over on your stomach

“Baby…” yoongi sighs and leans down to press a kiss against your shoulder

another grunt

okay that’s it

yoongi sighs and gets off the bed before grabbing the blanket and literally riPPINg it out from under you causing you to roll off and flop right onto the floor

“oW WHY DID U-“ you sit up and rub your forehead before glaring at your dumb boyfriend

“It is 7AM. You have work in an hour.”

some things never change

[a-taller-tale]

Mad World 

Summary: Simmons gets a mysterious message in the present. Meanwhile in the past, Grif has to explain how birthdays don't matter to an alien spark plug. No matter how time travel works, Back to the Future III will always be relevant. Notes: A @redvsbluesecretsanta gift for @creatrixanimi, who was amazingly patient when life blew up and I needed a few extra days. Also thanks to the RvB Secret Santa mods for organizing such a fun event again this year!

Also on Ao3

The Present

Nobody really celebrated things in Blood Gulch, especially not birthdays. Simmons could admit now that it was a miserable, boring, hot, pointless box canyon in the desert with nothing to do except run drills, do paperwork, patrol Red Base, and—on especially boring days–-try to see what the guys at the Blue Base were doing.

Then the rookies showed up, one Red, one Blue, and everything got a lot weirder. Besides Donut messing up Simmons’ chance at a promotion by somehow wheedling his way into Sarge’s good graces, both rookies were kind of young when they joined up, and very stupid. Neither of them seemed to understand the basic concept of being at war. And suddenly everything was a reason to celebrate.

Donut’s Daily Wine and Cheese Hour started first. Then there was Church’s Best Friend Celebration Spectacular, which Grif and Simmons had attended so they could get the food Donut made for it, and watch Church’s torment.

Sarge decided he wanted in on the action and started making up random holidays when he was bored. And then it was basically non-stop. Interventions, War-iversaries, Armistice Day (for Red and Blue movie nights), and when they couldn’t think of anything else, eventually even birthdays were a thing.

They weren’t as large an occasion as National Hot Dog Day, but they’d be as nice to the birthday guy as possible (which they usually gave up on five minutes in and dragged him more than usual). Then there’d usually be a presentation of old warthog parts wrapped up like presents so they'd have something to unwrap.

Donut always made cake, and Sarge allowed it after Donut swore up and down he wouldn’t make another one to jump out of because he didn’t want the joke to go stale.

Simmons got a party after he told everyone when his birthday was and planted hints all over the Valhalla base that no one could escape. He’d timed it perfectly too, starting a week in advance to account for how long his teammates would hold out to avoid giving him positive attention before they cracked.

“Okay! The surprise party is tomorrow!” Grif yelled. “Please no more texts about how your dad never came to your birthdays! I can’t take it anymore!”

Freckles had a birthday at Crash Site Bravo. Simmons didn’t remember a lot of it because of the blinding terror of being held hostage by a Mantis-class military assault droid and Caboose, who wasn’t famous for his leadership skills or track record of most accidental kills.

They didn’t always celebrate everyone’s birthdays every year, except for when they were on Iris. A lot of times throughout the years, they were busy with life threatening crap. There were accidents, and conspiracies, and missions to take out corrupt old white guys who were sometimes someone’s dad.

But as Simmons stares at the alert that just pinged his HUD, he has no idea how he hadn’t realized they’ve never done a birthday for Grif.

Sure, Sarge likes to joke about him being an unnatural abomination. But they had to have had one birthday thing.

After the Shizno incident was over, they came back to Iris with some pizza-to-go so they could try to have some time off again. Grif didn’t seem that happy to be back, but then again “retirement moon” had been Blood Gulch level of vacation, what with the never ending robot vs. dinosaur wars. And they had to chase some nesting dinosaur squatters out of the base before they could settle in again too.

In a moment that was still crystal clear to Simmons--despite the months of time traveling with Sarge, and then being stuck in a Blood Gulch time bubble--Grif had said he thought everyone hated him. He'd been certain of it, and weirdly calm. Not apathetic though. Resigned.

Simmons thinks it should be obvious by now that the ribbing is just the way that they talk to each other, and he'sthe one with anxiety. Even Sarge makes sure Grif is always with them now. Has been extra eagle-eyed since they got separated.

To use another manly metaphor, Grif's one of the supporting beams on Red Team. Without him they'll fall apart and Sarge would probably go crazy and try to sell everyone out to a serial killer so he could be a movie star. ...Again.

But when Simmons tried to tell Grif that, he only downgraded his importance to “hate glue.”

Simmons frowns at a cobweb clinging to the wall that he must have missed when he tricked everyone into celebrating Spring Cleaning, and realizes with his stomach slowly flipping that they never showed Grif he was important. And Grif noticed, even though he pretended not to care.

Grif thought they all hated him, could still think that, and they never gave him a reason not to. They’d been stuck together for fifteen years, had a drinking night dedicated to the anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic last week, and they never threw a party for Grif.

Simmons pulls up their personnel files. He's filled out forms for Grif, of course. Comes with the territory of carrying Red Team through bureaucracy and making sure they get their pay and also file their taxes right. So how had this date never really registered before?

May the Fourth.

Grif's right. It always comes back to Star Wars.

The Past

Huggins loved talking, and she loved people watching, and watching human movies. Like Die Hard. She and Grif got along super well really fast for her being a lens flare with knowledge supposedly beyond human comprehension.

They’d finally broken down to camp for the night after another day of walking across a country.

What Grif wouldn’t give for some methshrooms now, but he’d used up the last of his stash during the last big battle and hadn’t had the chance to restock before they walked right into more shenanigans without even a pizza break.

And now he was hiking. Something Huggins had totally tricked him into by mentioning his sister. He’d pulled a Sarge move and unloaded his gun at her, because that was dirty pool and she deserved it. But if this were a TV show, she was way better sidekick material than that reporter lady. Plus, he probably should check on his sister now that he knew she wasn't dead and buried in Blood Gulch, and just lost in time like him instead. Nothing better to do in a world without pizza.

“What are birthdays like?” Huggins chirped, interrupting his thoughts.

Grif blinked at the wood he had been kicking into a pile. Oh right, he was trying to build a fire. Not that he needed it with armor on that he was going to sleep in rather than sleeping on the ground, but when you were camping, fires were always necessary for atmosphere. And roasting marshmallows.

“Uh… I dunno,” he said. “Usually the same bullshit happens as any other day.”

“I don’t get the appeal of most other human traditions, but isn’t there cake and singing and celebration and presents? I thought that was important, since you humans don’t live so long.”

“Okay, one: Cake is always important. And B: Yeah, birthdays are a big thing, but only when you’re a kid. When you’re an adult, typically no one gives a fuck.”

Huggins flew in an anxious little circle around Grif’s head, settling into a hover in front of his visor. She had no face that he could see, but he got the impression that there were concerned eyes on him anyway. “But your friends—”

“Have their own shit going on right now, if you haven’t noticed the epic quest you’re leading me on. I’ll be happy if I can just get a slice of pizza after all this is over.”

Huggins clucked her non-existent tongue. Sentient light beings didn’t have tongues, so what made that noise? Unless she had a more alien humanoid type body and he just couldn’t see it with human eyes. Or she was extra-dimensional and the big spark was all that came through. Or—

“After I complete my mission and we defeat the Shizno, we will get pizza,” she said.

Grif cracked a smile, and he was covered by a helmet, but she always seemed to know when she got him to smile and ran with it.

“Ten pizzas!” She declared, zooming up and down dizzyingly, her light brightening. “And an Oreo cake!”

Grif scoffed, but he couldn’t hide the smile from his voice. “Make that an ice cream Oreo cake and you have yourself a deal.”

“Deal!” she yelled instantly. “I can’t wait to go to a human birthday party!”

“Hey, no one said anything about it being a birthday party.”

“It’s going to be your birthday party. And it will not be bull shit.”

“Hey, if you say so. It can be my birthday, if there’s Oreo ice cream cake on the line. And I’m getting the hint that spark plugs—”

“Sentient light beings.”

“—don’t have birthdays, huh? I guess you can share mine as long as you pay for the pizza and cake and beer. I might even let you have some of the cake.”

“Hey, I never said anything about beer. And human food is gross! You can keep it.”

Grif snickered.

The Future

Unfortunately, Huggins never got to follow through on her threat to throw Grif a birthday party.

They fixed almost everything, and came back to Iris, and they even got pizza on the way. But they couldn't save Huggins.

He’s been sleeping and bingeing TV for a few days. Almost no one's bothered him, though Kai's come in to visit and poke him a few times.

It's fine. Okay, not really fine, but it's normal. You win some, you lose some. Just like every other stupid adventure. And he's getting used to losing by now.

Grif stares at the light on the bedroom ceiling. Wonders if Huggins went out like a lightbulb, all burnt and cracked and blackened. He hopes there's an afterlife for little spotlights that talk way too much exposition.

“Hey Grif!”

How the hell does Sarge always sound like he has a megaphone when Grif knows for a fact he doesn’t know how to work the amplifier in his armor?

“What?!” Grif screams through the wall, not moving an inch from his bed. “I’m busy!”

“Get your lazy ass out here, Grif!” comes Simmons’ voice next. He's also good at projecting. If Grif didn't know better, he'd say he was a closet theater kid.

“Fuck off, Simmons!”

“Pretty please.” Grif jumps. Caboose’s voice is at a normal volume, and soft and coaxing, but right outside the door.

Goddammit, of course they sent Caboose. Cheaters.

“Ugh, fine. I’m coming.” Grif rolls out of his blanket nest, ruffling up his hair, and throwing on a semi-clean shirt he’s only worn once from the laundry pile on the floor.

The instant he opens the door, he's greeted not by Caboose, but by the smell of something extremely burnt coming from the kitchen. “Donut better not have set the base on fire again,” Grif complains as he trudges into the common area the Reds and Blues share.

“That better not have been a crack about my cooking,” Carolina says, her arms folded across her chest. Carolina's less scary now that they're kinda friends and he's seen her super baked.

Actually, nah, she's still the same amount of scary when she wants to be, but her mouth is twitching up in the corner. Joking.

“Just stating facts—“ Grif freezes mid-step as he registers the rest of the room.

There's a messy banner that was obviously half-painted by Donut in pastel shades of red, and the other half also obviously by Caboose because it says “Happy Birthday, Girff.”

“Who’s Girff?” he says automatically to cover for his shock. There are streamers, and music playing from a comically antique boom box, and a poster of Blade taped over the sink?

It's also a full house with Wash and Carolina, and also Doctor Grey and Kimball, and the mockumentary film crack team of Dylan Andrews and the guy that filmed for her. Sarge is standing with a twitchy nervous Simmons near the front, and the lieutenants are setting up board games and pizza and appetizers on the table, while Bitters leans back against the wall casually.

“Girff is you, stupid!” Kaikaina says, ambushing him from the side with a bear hug. “Happy birthday, bro!”

Donut swings in from the back where the kitchen is, twirling on one heel, holding a cake decorated with delicate swirls of peach icing and orange flowers. “I just whipped this one up quickly!”

“You made a back-up cake,” Carolina says flatly, turning a real glare on Donut.

“Of course! ” he says breezily. “Nothing can be left to chance on such an important occasion! Always use protection!”

It's really hard for Grif to act cool about this. Everything about the dumb party shows how much they know him, down to the Battlestar Galactica special edition of Clue.

Especially when Simmons shows him the message he got. It was a text alert from a post office on a remote colony that had been holding onto a parchment letter for 1000 years to give to a Dick Simmons on an exact date at an exact hour. The post office wanted some ridiculous fees for the hard copy to be delivered, but luckily they sent Simmons the transcription.

It was a note to save the date for today, and make Grif’s next birthday the party of the century.

Fucking time travel.

Grif had always wanted some ancient clever letter from a time traveler delivered to him with an auspicious warning, or a hundred billion dollars. But he's really glad he knows Huggins liked Back to the Future III now. They hadn’t gotten to those movies in their pop culture conversations yet.

Donut put sparklers in the cake, and when he lights them, the sparks shoot up and down and dance and fly around excitedly.

Surrounded by his family and friends, Grif blows out the candles.

Children waiting for the day they feel good Happy birthday Happy birthday Made to feel the way that every child should Sit and listen Sit and listen

And I find it kinda funny I find it kinda sad The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had I find it hard to tell you I find it hard to take When people run in circles It's a very very Mad world Mad world

[ferret-vox-starter]

Commissions maybe?

I'm offering $5 customs and commissions. They'll be done roughly same day order maybe longer if I get busy. The customs are gonna be hand drawn unless asked to be done on a base.

~Will dos~

Animals, cyborg, robot, humanoid, creatures, "experiments", object heads, furrys, slight gore

~Won't dos~

N-s-f-w(don't have confidence), heavy gore, abusive things, lgbtq+ phobic pieces, anything that will make me uncomfortable.

~Custom order~

Name:

Age:

Gender:

Personality:

Colour pallet:

Accessories:

Species:

~Add-ons~

-Two sided $1

-One sided plus a few(2-3) facial expressions of your choosing $1

-Two sides plus a few(2-3) facial expressions of your choosing $1.50

-One sided plus alternative form of your choosing $1.50

-Two sided plus alternative form of your choosing $2

-One sided plus feral (only with animal customs) $1.50

-Two sided plus feral (only with animal customs) $1.50

-One sided plus a set of clothes of your choosing $1.50

-Two sided plus a set of clothes of your choosing $1.50

-One sided plus a few(2-3) sets of clothes of your choosing $2.50

-Two sided plus a few(2-3) sets of clothes of your choosing $2.50

-One sided plus favorite object $1

-Two sided plus favorite object $1

-One sided plus alternative form and a few(2-3) facial expressions of your choosing $2.75

-Two sided plus alternative form and a few(2-3) facial expressions of your choosing $2.75

-One sided plus feral(only animal customs) and a few(2-3) facial expressions of your choosing $2.75

-Two sided plus feral (only animal customs) and a few(2-3) facial expressions of your choosing $2.75

-One sided plus alternative form and a set of clothes of your choosing $1.50

-Two sided plus alternative form and a set of clothes of your choosing $1.50

-One sided plus feral (only animal customs) and a set of clothes of your choosing $1.75

-Two sided plus feral (only animal customs) and a set of clothes of your choosing $1.75

-One sided plus alternative form and a few(2-3) sets of clothes of your choosing $2

-Two sided plus alternative form and a few(2-3) sets of clothes of your choosing $2

-One sided plus feral (only animal customs) and a few(2-3) sets of clothes of your choosing $2.25

-Two sided plus feral (only animal customs) and a few(2-3) sets of clothes of your choosing $2.25

-One sided plus alternative form of your choosing and favorite object $1.50

-Two sided plus alternative form of your choosing $1.50

-One sided plus feral (only animal customs) and favorite object $1.50

-Two sided plus feral (only animal customs) and favorite object $1.50

-One sided plus alternative form of your choosing and feral (only animal customs) $2

-Two sided plus alternative form of your choosing and feral (only animal customs) $3

-One sided plus alternative form of your choosing, feral (only animal customs) and a few(2-3) facial expressions of your choosing $2.50

-Two sided plus alternative form of your choosing, feral (only animal customs) and a few(2-3) facial expressions of your choosing $3.50

-One sided plus alternative form of your choosing, feral (only animal customs) and a set of clothes of your choosing $2.50

-Two sided plus alternative form of your choosing, feral (only animal customs) and a set of clothes of your choosing $3.50

-One sided plus alternative form of your choosing, feral (only animal customs) and a few(2-3) sets of clothes of your choosing $2.75

-Two sided plus alternative form of your choosing, feral (only animal customs) and a few(2-3) sets of clothes of your choosing $3.75

-One sided plus alternative form of your choosing, feral (only animal customs) and favorite object $2.25

-Two sided plus alternative form of your choosing, feral (only animal customs) and favorite object $3.25

-One sided plus alternative form of your choosing, feral (only animal customs), a few(2-3) facial expressions and a set of clothes of your choosing $2.75

-Two sided plus alternative form of your choosing, feral (only animal customs), a few(2-3) facial expressions and a set of clothes of your choosing $3.75

-One sided plus alternative form of your choosing, feral (only animal customs), a few(2-3) facial expressions and a few sets of clothes of your choosing $2.75

-Two sided plus alternative form of your choosing, feral (only animal customs), a few(2-3) facial expressions and a few sets of clothes of your choosing $3.75

-One sided plus alternative form of your choosing, feral (only animal customs), a few(2-3) facial expressions and favorite object $2.50

-Two sided plus alternative form of your choosing, feral (only animal customs), a few(2-3) facial expressions and favorite object $3.50

-One sided full reference sheet (a few(2-3) facial expressions, a set/few(2-3)sets of clothes, alternative form of your choosing, feral(only animal customs), and favorite object) $4

-Two sided full reference sheet (a few(2-3) facial expressions, a set/few(2-3)sets of clothes, alternative form of your choosing, feral(only animal customs), and favorite object) $5

~Commission order~

Character reference:

Pose:

Background: (simple/semi Complex/none)

Requests:

Shaded: (none/simple/cartoon/semi Complex/complex)

Type: (pixel headshot/pixel half body/pixel waist up/pixel full body/headshot/half body/fullbody/pixel icon/icon)

~Add ons~

Extra character $2.50

Coupled art $1.75 (I love doing coupled art)

Couple icons $2

Accessories $1

Props (ice cream/snow tube/etc) $1.50

Reference sheet: -see above to custom add ons-

~Examples~

[baeddel]

ladyisak

w/ caves of steel in particular, the overpopulated polluted earth is contrasted with the thriving space colonies that have too few people and make humanoid robots en masse so there's also smth more complex going on there than JUST anxiety about Too Many People (plus asimov had a big thing about dragging his Otherness as a russian jew in the USA into his work so there's a bit of commie sympathy going on there i'd say)

ladyisak

and the robots on earth are Obviously Not Human contrasted with the humanlike robots from space and there's def. a metaphor for exploited immigrant labour going on, i think, w/ the anxiety about Robots Taking Are Jobs and you know i'd have to read it again to say something useful here

ladyisak

i think there's also a terror of the slum encroaching on the well-off white western world in general, maybe not in asimov's work (would have to read again to say for certain) but i always got that vibe from stuff about overpopulation, how high-density urban areas like kowloon and shanty towns are

ladyisak

evoked when overpopulation is brought up

ohhhhhh wow yeah thats really interesting... I didn’t know that about Asimov! (In retrospect its probably obvious, but I have no knowledge whatsoever of jewish surnames... I was at one point surprised to learn that my favourite occult writer, Israel Regardie, was jewish. I’m glad I’m a communist, I don’t think I could make it on the right with this impediment) (I’ve hesitated over posting this anecdote for a few minutes because I feel like it’s a bit edgy for my blog, although I have a feeling my overton window is just so far to the left... Alexei Sayle had a bit about how when doing shows to leftist crowds, there was always a pause before the laugh while people worked out whether they objected to the joke or not)

Anyway uh I have nothing meaningful to add but ty for the context, I really gotta read Caves of Steel

[league-of-kiiboy]

Commissions are now open again!

I still can only accept payments through paypal, sorry for any inconvenience!

However, I AM changing the prices!

If you’re interested in these please contact me here on tumblr or email me at derpiskey@gmail.com!

Colored pieces with consistent lineart will be $12! (As shown above ^^)

Adding a simple background is +$2, and adding an additional character is +$5!

Colored pieces with sketchy lineart will be $10!

Adding a background is +$2, and any additional characters are +$3.

NOTE: I AM CLOSING THE PIXEL COMMISSIONS FOR NOW!

Sorry for the inconvenience! ;w;

Simple pixel gifs are $5, and complex pixel gifs are $10, plus +$4 for any additional characters.

And then, there are my beloved finished gifs- My pride and joy, the things that I work the hardest on!

These bois are $20, +$4 for backgrounds, and +$10 for additional characters. (Effects like the snow in the skelebros gif are an extra $5.)

I’m only going to be taking a few of the gif commissions, since they take me a while to do!

I’m able to draw people, chibis, skeletons, animals, furries (though it’s been a while,) other humanoid creatures, and ships, HOWEVER!

I WILL NOT draw NSFW, extremely complicated robots, extreme gore, hate art, or anything that would be considered harmful or upsetting-

I’ve raised some of the prices, however, I hope they aren’t too high! Thank you so much for reading this! ^^

[porkchop-ao3]

RickCon’18: Part 2/3

Part one, Part three

I didn't know what else to do, so I followed the crowd. I allowed myself to get swept up in the sea of bodies, treading on toes and getting mine trodden on too. This area definitely seemed clothing-oriented, as I passed stalls selling t-shirts, accessories, and what seemed to be cosplay outfits. I managed to break off from the current to stop at one of the stalls. I browsed through a display of buttons, each one adorned with Rick or Morty based designs, some simply had their faces, some had little quotes or jokes, most of which flew right over my head. I supposed you had to be a Rick… I picked one up with Rick's face on with the words “wubba lubba dub dub”, whatever the hell that meant, and paid the Morty running the stall for it before attaching it to my t-shirt. I figured I should at least be wearing one piece of merchandise, considering I was at RickCon.

 I continued on through the convention center, being stopped once or twice by different Ricks asking if I'd like to exchange dimension codes. It took me until the third time to realise that this was a form of flirting, not just a polite question. I quickly stopped giving out the number on my wristband willy-nilly and prayed that nothing would come of it later. I figured I'd make the most of the strange day and snapped a few pictures with some of the more unique looking Ricks and Mortys; by the time I'd made it to the food area, my camera was filled with pictures. I had photos with a Rick that appeared to be half lizard, a Rick with two heads (and he'd kindly informed me that it wasn't all he had two of), a Morty holding a bunch of cats and a teenage Rick with an elderly Morty.

 I decided to grab myself a cup of tea and take a moment to sit down. I (literally) bumped into a Rick with a bowl cut and bucked teeth on my way over to the seating area. He apologised profusely, even though it was my fault. After making sure he was okay I asked if I could take a picture with him, to which he bashfully agreed, before I let him get on with his day. He was the first mild mannered Rick I'd met all day, and I wanted a photo for proof of his existence so next time Tailor Rick told me it was just in his nature to be rude, I could rub it in his face.

 Sitting alone at a table with my cup of tea gave me plenty of time to people watch. I still hadn't quite wrapped my head around the place, considering I'd only learned about this crazy multidimensional stuff a mere few days ago. Honestly, I wasn't sure if I even fully believed it, I was just going with the flow and ignoring the urge to pinch myself at every new Rick I set eyes on. One was coming right for me, with bulging muscles and a tank top.

 “Wh-what’s up, hot stuff? Saw you at that your lit- your little fashion show.” He said as he approached, taking a seat opposite me and giving me a charming smile.

 “Oh? I thought I recognised you.” I lied, though only out of politeness and because I didn't know what else to say.

 “Couldn't buy anything, of course. None of it'd fit me, you know? Too- too swole.” He said casually, leaning his elbows on the table in a way that accentuated his biceps. I stared for a while, keeping my expression neutral. “I keep telling the guys that run the con; get uh, get some stuff that runs in men's sizes.” He grinned. I laughed, again, mostly out of politeness.

 “So, you come every year?” I asked, and he nodded.

 “Yeah. I actually run a panel most years. Health related, obviously. This year's is on protein shakes, I came up with a new formula, i-i-it's vodka flavoured so I figured it'd be more popular this year.” He explained, and I raised my brows. So, alcohol abuse really wasn't just a Tailor Rick thing. “You should come along, there's gonna be free samples, special offers, and for you, I'll throw in a couple demonstrations.” He winked.

 “Demonstrations?” I questioned.

 “Exercise. I'll uh, I'll be doing pushups and shit, I gotta show that my shakes actually work. Plus, they'll be edu-educational. There'll be plenty of tips.”

 “Oh…” I chuckled and shook my head. “Do I look like I'm into exercise?” I joked, and Rick looked my body up and down, from what he could see with the table in the way.

 “You look like you've got potential.” He concluded thoughtfully, and I didn't quite know what to make of that.

 “Is this guy bothering you?” A hand came down on the table between us, I trailed my eyes up the sleeve of the lab coat the person was wearing (which I'd quickly realised was a staple piece of most Ricks’ wardrobes) to find a lady looking down at me, raising her brow.

 “Oh, no, it's-” I started.

 “Erica, baby, I didn't think you were coming this year.” Buff Rick exclaimed, gaining an eye roll from this Erica person.

 “I told you I wasn't, I-I-I was hoping I wouldn't bump into you. But uh… here we are.” She sighed.

 “Jesus, you get more and more hostile as you get older.”

 “And you get dumber and dumber, move. Gimme that seat. I need a sit down, my knees are fucked.” She grumbled, and to my surprise she got her way. “All those steroids must really be messing with you, you can barely call yourself a Rick these days.”

 “Steroids? Th-that's bullshit, Erica. I got these babies from hard work, discipline, and All Rick's Protein Juice.” He bragged, flexing his arms.

 “Sure. I'm getting a headache; don't you have a panel to prepare for?” Erica asked dryly. Rick opened his mouth, looking ready to deny it, but paused for a second.

 “Actually, yeah. I-I should probably get on that, huh? Can I count on you to be there?”

 “I don't know, I saw a thing about Mortys writing fanfiction that seemed right up my alley.” Erica replied, her tone dripping with sarcasm.

 “I'll keep my eye out for you, Erica.” He said regardless, pointing at her as he walked backwards away from the table. He gave me a wink before turning around and disappearing into the crowds.

 “Jesus. I-I-I've met a lot of Ricks in my day, and that guy?” She shook her head. “Total idiot.”

 I studied the woman in front of me for a while, trying to figure out who exactly she was. Was she a Rick's sister? Someone cosplaying as a Rick? I wasn't quite sure, and even less sure about how to ask. Luckily, she must've read my confusion in my expression.

 “Smile, sweet cheeks. I-I-I don't like the way you're looking at me.” She teased, pulling something out of her inside pocket. It was a flask. “Yes, I'm a Rick… of sorts. Total sausage fest in here, huh? Nice to see more of the fairer sex showing their faces here.”

 “Oh! Right, yeah, I've passed maybe two or three women since I've been here.” I agreed, once again looking out over the sea of Ricks and Mortys as I had a sip of tea. Erica had a sip of her own drink; by the smell of it, some kind of hard liquor.

 “Most Ricks only bring th-their fuck buddies. Which one are you banging?” She asked. “That bodybuilder guy?” She added, raising her brow.

 “Oh, no! Not him… not any of them.” I admitted, and she laughed.

 “Right, damn it. Thought I might have someone to talk about h-how bad he was.”

 “I'm sorry?”

 “That guy. Muscles. Total fucking Neanderthal in the sack, he-he's like a sex machine and not in a good way. It's like he only knows one rhythm and speed… h-honestly I'm surprised, Ricks are usually better-” she rambled, glancing off past my head as she got absorbed in her descriptions.

 “Alright, I get it.” I interrupted, chuckling.

 “Anyway, h-he's been clingy as hell ever since. I'd stay away, i-if I were you.” She advised, and I shook my head in amusement.

 “Noted.”

 “So, you're not boning any Ricks? That's tough. If you ever wanna taste of what we've got to offer, and uh, forget about what I just said; we don't all suck… I'm happy to pop your Sanchez cherry.” She smirked at me, and I chuckled again, a little embarrassed this time.

 “No, that's okay… Thank you. I'm perfectly happy just, ah, remaining firmly in the acquaintance zone with Ricks.” I said apologetically, offering her a little smile. “I don't know how long I'd be able to keep my sanity, you know? All of this is very overwhelming.” I gestured to the space around us, and she glanced around looking incredulous.

 “Uhh… if you don't mind me asking; you're clearly new to all this. How the fuck did you end up at RickCon if you don't really know any Ricks?” She questioned, leaning forwards on the table interestedly.

 “The Rick from my dimension needed my help with something. He runs a charity auction, selling clothes. I modelled for him.” I explained, and she nodded.

 “Oh right, yeah, the fashion show thing I kept hearing wh-whispers about. I heard Ice Cream Rick got shafted in there by the whole damn room.” She laughed, shaking her head. I frowned, and so she explained. “Ice Cream Rick? Guy in the pink shirt. Uhhh… ponytail, stupid little beard?” She gestured to her chin, and it suddenly clicked.

 “Ohh! I felt so guilty about that! He was saying something to me when it happened… how awkward.” I said, shaking my head and feeling my cheeks warm up.

 “I'm not surprised. Too- too many Rick's think with their dicks. That's golden.” She grinned, then took a peek at her wrist watch. “Anyway, I gotta head off. S-supposed to be meeting Morticia soon, she wants me to go to the humanoid robotics panel, she wants me to build her an anatomically correct android friend.” She said, using air quotes for that last word whilst rolling her eyes. I didn't question her further.

 “It was nice speaking to you, Erica. Uhh, would you mind if we got a photo together?” I asked, holding up my carera with a little smile on my face. She grinned again.

 “Of course not, doll. Bring it in.” She said, holding her arm out towards me. I stood up and she wrapped her arm around my waist as I took our photo.

 “Thank you!” I said, and she waved her hand dismissively.

 “Hey uh, what's your name?” She asked, and I answered without skipping a beat. I found it funny how names just weren't exchanged naturally here, since almost everyone had the same name anyway. “Alright, nice to meet you, (y/n). Maybe we'll bump into each other again?” She said, though looking around at the amount of people here, I doubted we would.

 “Maybe. Enjoy the con!” I replied.

 “You too, sweetie.” She nodded before heading off.

 After she'd gone I realised my tea had almost fallen to an unpleasant temperature, so I quickly drank up the last of it and disposed of my cup in the bin nearby. Again, I found myself with the daunting feeling of not quite knowing what to do with myself. Someone had left a booklet on a table close to me, which I recognised to be the day's itinerary along with a map of the convention center, so I picked it up and had a look through. I wasn't surprised when lot of it went completely over my head;

 Plumbus 101: How to get the best out of yours!

 The Flesh Curtains: Live Performance and Q and A.

 Is Jerry All That Bad? A Debate.

 Lost the Spark? An introduction to sexual cybernetic enhancements. (18+)

 Pocket Morty Battles. Bring your best! (RickCon ‘18 cannot be held liable for loss or damages resulting from Morty battles.) 

 And that wasn't even all of them, the list filled up the whole page. I stuffed the booklet in my back pocket and decided I'd simply walk through the convention until I found something interesting.

 Tbc.

[paulisweeabootrash]

First Impression: Space Dandy

An earlier version of this post was published on Facebook on April 6, 2018.  It was the second of two posts, the other being Please Tell Me! Galko-Chan.

Refreshed and refilled with food and drink, I'm back already for more.

PAUL IS WEEABOO TRASH— DOUBLE DOUBLE EDITION; or,

Paul Reviews Two Things Based on Two Episodes Each (and a Martini)

FULL-ASSED EPISODE 7: Space Dandy (2014)

"Enough with this mass boob hysteria.  It's time to set things right.  It's time to give the ass the respect it deserves!"  So begins the voyage of James T. Kirk— er, I mean Zapp Brannigan— er, no, seriously, I mean SPACE DANDY.  He's a dandy guy.  In space.  Doing space adventures.  With his space crew.  He’s not really a “dandy” per se, since he’s hardly “refined”, but his name is Dandy.

Anyway.

Dandy makes a living as a space Pokémon trainer, by which I mean he wanders the galaxy (mostly at locations of Hooters-parody restaurant chain "Boobies") to kidnap aliens previously unknown to humanity and collect a reward for cataloguing them.  But then an intergalactic war catches up with him.  Or tries to, but he escapes through sheer dumb luck.  In the second episode, they resume their search for new aliens by tracking down the source of legendarily-delicious ramen from another dimension, narrowly escaping one side in the intergalactic war (the Gogol Empire, which is *totally* not Google although they try to use "Galaxy Street View" to find them) in the process.

It's a rambling and fun sci-fi comedy, which you all probably know is a combination of genres I love.  And the fact that Shinichiro Watanabe wrote and directed it is a good sign from the start.  (That's Shinichiro Watanabe of Cowboy Bebop; not to be confused with Shinichi (no "ro") Watanabe, director of Excel Saga, although I wouldn't be surprised to see his name on this either, especially considering that all of the characters die in the first episode.  Oh, was that a spoiler?  Don't worry, they all come back in episode 2 as if nothing happened.)

It seems so far like it's just going to be loosely-connected adventures of Dandy, QT, and Merowmreowreow (a cat-like Betelgeusian who Dandy calls "Meow" because he can't pronounce his name).  As much as that description — a human, a robot, and a Betelgeusian — suggests Arthur, Marvin, and Ford, the dynamic is much more like Zapp Brannigan, Kif, and... Fry, I guess?  QT is the exasperated straight man to Dandy's confident incompetence and success through sheer luck, while Meow so far seems to be a likable slob.  I will definitely keep on with this, and try to get my wife to watch it too*.  The only downside to this show so far is that I still like Futurama more and this makes me want to watch that.

Recommended if you like Futurama (obviously), Bravest Warriors, and/or, of course, Cowboy Bebop, although it's only barely like any of them in specific characterizations or plot points and definitely has its own feel.

-----

W/A/S Scores: 1/5/1

Weeb: Neither sci-fi-comedy nor space opera (as Wikipedia characterizes it) is a Japanese-specific genre, and nothing really left me going "huh?" or thinking other people would.  Honestly, the most Japanese thing I've noticed so far is the idea of ramen being available at actual restaurants instead of just in instant packets, which... well... as tempting as it is to say the Southwest isn't part of the US, it's available here, too.  Or maybe this is because I'm watching the dub, and they've successfully created Americanized jokes that work in context?

Ass: Come on.  Like I said, several scenes take place in a parody of Hooters called Boobies.  What do you think?

Shit: I LOVE THE WAY THIS SHOW LOOKS.  Exaggerated facial expressions!  Flowing movements!  Psychedelic visuals!  Non-humanoid aliens!  Totally absurd starship designs!  Plus, great background music and topical parodies, mainly of social media!  UPDATE ADDED WHEN EDITING THIS FOR TUMBLR REPOST: I’ve watched the first season and there’s like, character development and wild mood differences between episodes and escalating ridiculousness and a second season and aaaaaah this show is really good you guys, go watch it. ----- * Update: now she loves it too.

[trashpandaorigins]

The Shrapnel In Your Heart

*Epic music cue* There was an idea…to bring together w group of remarkable people (well one weaponized super solider later mentally deranged torture victim and one mechanized rodent) so that when the time came they’d fight the battles (well mostly each other plus some aliens) that we never could, (or let’s be honest wouldn’t want to fight at all.)

---

“Buck?” Steve looked at him in concern. “You okay?”

Bucky turned to face him, the familiar what-has-Steve-roped-me-into-now feeling washing over him. Robots and cryo and aliens and now a damned space-raccoon. You have got to be kidding me, Stevie. “Put me back,” he demanded. “I’m done, this is it, I wanna go back in cryo.”

OR: Rocket and Bucky go on a mission together. It turns out they have a lot more in common than they realized.

WARNING: Graphic depictions of violence, PTSD, discussions of torture

This fic was written by myself and the amazing @skarabrae-stone go read their Avengers and Stucky fics on AO3 (same username) and on their blog! 

Bucky wasn’t fazed by much. After all the shit he’d seen and done, saving the world wasn’t that big a deal. Even the aliens weren’t much of a stretch—and anyway, they looked pretty much like the stereotypical humanoid creatures he remembered from the sci-fi novels he’d read as a kid. The green woman even reminded him of Romanoff, which was comforting, in a scary kind of way.

Then a gun-toting raccoon walked in, arguing with what looked like a giant talking tree, and Bucky backed up right into Steve.

“Oh, hell, no.”

“Buck?” Steve looked at him in concern. “You okay?”

Bucky turned to face him, the familiar what-has-Steve-roped-me-into-now feeling washing over him. Robots and cryo and aliens and now a damned space-raccoon. You have got to be kidding me, Stevie.

“Put me back,” he demanded. “I’m done, this is it, I wanna go back in cryo.”

“Bucky--”

“There’s a talking tree, Stevie! What the hell!”

The tree in question tapped him on the shoulder. He turned, reluctantly, to see it scrutinizing him with solemn eyes.

“I AM GROOT,” it announced in a voice that started out deep, then cracked like a teenager’s.

“And if you got a problem with that, you can deal with me!” added the raccoon-thing.

Bucky blinked. “Uh.”

“Of course we don’t have a problem,” said Steve, smooth for once in his life. “Just haven’t met many—uh—non… Earth… people… before.”

“I am Groot?”

“We got that, thanks,” said Bucky irritably, brushing past the tree-thing as he followed Steve further into the interior of the spaceship. “Seriously, Steve, how the hell do you always get mixed up in these things?”

“Talent,” said Steve vaguely. “Did you see where Thor went? I wanted to ask more about the Infinity stones….”

Bucky sighed, rolled his eyes, and trailed after him, cataloguing exits and hazards as he went. The ship smelled like gun oil, charred leather, and old blood, familiar scents in this decidedly unfamiliar environment. He was doomed to follow Steve, he knew, wherever he led him; it was an old pattern, as old as their friendship, and as they walked along he couldn’t help mutter the mantra they’d picked up in the thirties: “ Here’s another fine mess you’ve gotten me into.”

“I am Groot!” Groot folded his arms, glaring daggers at the human who muttered to himself.

“They are stupid humies,” Rocket agreed.

“Hey! What did I tell you?” Peter demanded, hands on his hips. “We’re not calling anyone stupid.”

“That cave-man-looking guy called Groot a tree!” snapped Rocket. “Flarking racist.”

Peter rolled his eyes. “C’mon dude, I told you, we need to make nice with these guys. They’re the only ones who can help us defeat Thanos.” Apparently realizing that Steve Rogers had already left, he quickly motioned for his team to follow him.

“Fine,” Rocket conceded, falling in behind him. “But that cave-man one gives me the creeps.” Everything about this whole situation gave him the creeps. Humans couldn’t be trusted, and there were so many of them. If Groot were his full size, perhaps Rocket might have felt better, knowing he could perch on the flora colossus’s shoulders, but it hadn’t been that way for a long while now.

“His name is Bucky Barnes,” Gamora hushed him. “And apparently he’s dangerous, and Rogers’s boyfriend or something, so try not to antogonize him.”

Peter gave the raccoon a pleading look as all of them caught up with Steve Rogers in the Milano’s main bay.

The Avenger smiled, a little awkwardly. “This is a nice ship you’ve got here.”

Peter nodded, but Rocket looked around at the strange new people. The broad with the red hair moved with the same sort of warrior’s grace as Gamora. He wondered who could take who in a fight.

“I appreciate you all coming here,” Steve continued. “As you know, Thanos…”

“Thanos must be stopped!” Drax interjected, resulting in a few stares. But Rocket watched Steve nodding his head in agreement.

“You’re right, he must be stopped at any and all costs.”

As Steve spoke about their best approach, Bucky listened, knowing how much all of this troubled his best friend. It wasn’t enough that Steve had saved him, he felt he had to save the whole world, too. Had to be the upstanding leader. Bucky knew how much that responsibility weighed on Steve’s shoulders.

He sympathized, of course, but it didn’t make him love the plan.  Sure, they needed to figure out what the hell was up with these giant portal things. Ironman was checking out the one in New York, which left the one in Wakanda for the rest of them to tackle. But Bucky would have been a hell of a lot happier in the ground troops with King T’Challa than dinking around with magic alien technology in the middle of Thanos’s army.

“We can’t just go rushing into this,” Steve continued. “We need to know what we’re dealing with. This is a reconnaissance mission, not an attack. Once we understand what Thanos is doing, and how he’s doing it, we’ll be in a much better position to beat him in the long run.”

It made sense, Bucky had to admit. On the other hand, he’d been part of enough of Steve Rogers’s harebrained schemes to know that all their carefully laid plans would probably fall apart the minute they got there.

"Banner, Foster, and Strange are going to get in close so they can figure out how exactly this... portal thing works. Group Alpha will be their protection detail. Groups Beta and Charlie will run interference, draw attention away from Alpha so they can get the information they need. Everyone else is staying here, with T’Challa." Steve looked around, making eye contact with everyone.  “Any questions?”

They shook their heads.

“Okay. Here are the groups, then. In Alpha, we have Thor, Gamora, Mantis, Groot, me, and Bucky. In Beta, Falcon, Witch, uh… what was your name again?”

“Drax. Drax the Destroyer,” responded the tattooed alien.

Steve nodded, affirming. “Drax, yes, Quill, and Nebula.” His eyes scanned the group. “Loki, Hawkeye, Widow, and… uh… the racoon...”

“I’m not a raccoon!” The very distinctly-raccoon-looking one snapped, baring his teeth.

“Of...of course.”

Bucky had to hold back a laugh. Steve tried to get him to be as polite as possible, but even the gracious Steven Rogers occasionally slipped up.

“Rocket,” Quill said. “His name’s Rocket.”

“I’m so sorry,” said Steve earnestly. “My mistake. Anyway, you four are in group Charlie.”

Rocket growled in displeasure.  “Nuh-uh! Either Groot comes with me, or I don’t come at all!”

“I am Groot!”

“Oh ‘I don’t know you, I don’t know your life ?’ Bullshit,” Rocket fired back.

The adolescent tree-alien rolled his eyes, folding gangly arms. Bucky could only stare in semi-bewildered irritation.

Steve ran a hand through his hair, making it stick up in the back. “According to you, Groot is still an adolescent. I want him to be with the strongest group, so we can protect him if need be. Rocket, you and Quill both stated that your strong suit is melee fighting. Alpha group is basically doing guard duty. We need you in the distraction team.”

It made sense. All of Steve’s choices made sense, evenly dividing varying skillsets between the groups. There was only one thing that didn’t compute…

“Steve,” said Romanoff, “Group Charlie doesn’t have any super-soldiers.”

Loki glared at her. “I’ll have you know I’m a god--”

“And not one who’s particularly good at fighting,” she retorted. “You don’t count.” She returned her focus to Steve. “Clint should switch out with someone a little less… breakable. No offense, Clint.”

“None taken.”

Steve frowned. “I put Clint on your team so you’d have a sniper.”

“So put Barnes in. He’s a sniper, and enhanced, and he’s a hell of a lot better in hand-to-hand. No offense, Clint.”

“None taken.”

Bucky saw the mulish expression on Steve’s face, and sighed. This was 1943 all over again. “Captain Rogers,” he said, in the tone he used to use when about to disagree with one of Steve’s more foolhardy plans. From Steve’s expression, he recognized both the tone and the meaning of the title—during the war, he’d only ever called him “Captain” when Steve was being ridiculous.

He lifted his chin slightly, looking Steve right in the eye. “She’s right. Team Alpha doesn’t need me, and I’ll be a better asse—I can be more useful running interference.”

Steve’s brows drew together, a line of worry creasing his forehead. Bucky could read the expression without hearing a word: What if something happens to you, and I’m not there?

Bucky responded with the tiniest of shrugs, one corner of his mouth tugging upward ever so slightly. It’s a war, pal. Nothin’ you can do about that.

Steve sighed, shoulders slumping. Okay, you win.

“Alright, Sergeant Barnes,” he said aloud. “You’re on Team Charlie. Clint, Alpha. It’ll be dark in two hours. We’ll move out then.”

The group broke up, everyone heading in different directions. The racoon— Rocket , Bucky reminded himself—had been staring at him for the past five minutes. The old Bucky probably would have responded to this with an aggressive swagger and a “Whatchoo lookin’ at?”.  Now, he just stared back, wrapping the quiet menace of the Winter Soldier around him like a second skin. This tactic didn’t seem to work all that well on Rocket, though; the second the meeting adjourned, he marched over to Bucky and looked him up and… well, further up.

“What the hell kind of a name is Bucky?” he demanded.

Bucky just looked back at him, long enough to make it uncomfortable, before giving him a predatory grin. “The kind that sticks.”

—

Darkness fell, bringing with it a flurry of activity as everyone prepared to move out. Rocket found Bucky Barnes staring out one of the windows with a grim expression. From this vantage point, the purple glow in the sky was clearly visible.

“Doesn’t even look real,” he said, gesturing in the direction of the portal. “I thought I’d seen it all, but…”

“You ain’t even left this planet before. You ain’t seen nothin’,” Rocket retorted, but the hair on his neck rose with Bucky’s. He looked over the humies— well, he guessed the one in the fancy green and black getup was a god of some sort. Whatever, didn’t matter to him.

“Just follow me.” As he led them down the corridor of the ship towards the small pods, he couldn’t help looking around for Groot, already assembling with his team. This would be their first time apart since…well he never wanted to dwell on that day ever again. The teen looked at him. For once he wasn’t glaring, just...anxious. For a second, Rocket could almost see those large, friendly, worried eyes of his original Groot.

“Hey, it’s gonna be alright, buddy.”

Groot didn’t seem convinced. Rocket managed a sardonic grin before splitting off.

“Don’t touch anything,” he said, opening the smaller ship pod. Enough for four to fit if they squeezed. Widow, or Natasha, as Rocket had heard Rogers call her, slid into the seat beside him, instantly looking over the ship’s monitors and rigs.

“Impressive.”

Rocket smirked. “You ain’t seen nothing yet, humie.”

Bucky sat in the seat behind Rocket, stuffed like a sardine in this tin can of a ship. I’m in a spaceship being piloted by a raccoon. Steve, I swear if we get through this…

He immediately identified the exit of the ship, as well as three other possible escape routes if need be, running through the index of threats and means of attack as well as getting out. It had large windows, breakable with enough force, he suspected.

The ship detached from the Milano with a series of whirs and clicks.

“Hold onto your butts,” Rocket advised.

“Rodent, if you crash this ship…” Loki began.

Rocket said nothing, but his ears flicked back, flat against his skull, and he punched the ignition. The ship’s engines burst out blue flames as they were propelled upward out of Wakanda’s atmosphere.

Bucky gripped his seat involuntarily. Small, enclosed, tight, strapped in. Like in that lab. He shook his head, wishing Steve were there. But Steve wasn’t there. He couldn’t be, even though Bucky knew that he wanted to. He shouldn’t have to always be there, he thought, not for the first time.He shouldn’t need to babysit me.

Romanoff laughed, breaking Bucky from his thoughts. For all her apparent callousness, she did have a nice laugh. “Stark would love this technology,” she mused, running her fingers over the controls. “He’d pay a huge sum for even the blueprints.”

That appeared to get Rocket’s attention. “What kinda sum are we talkin’?”

Their conversation washed over Bucky, a distraction from all his anxieties about this situation.

“And you modified it to go through… what do you call them, jumps?”

“Yeah, nothin’ to it, really.”

“You’re intelligent for a vermin,” Loki observed.

Rocket whipped his head around. “Call me vermin one more time, pal, I’ll shove you outta this pod before you can kiss your fancy ass goodbye,” he snarled.

Bucky’s eyes narrowed as the raccoonoid turned around to face Loki. Metal implants, two. Just below the collar bones. He winced, remembering the feeling of scalpel against skin, foreign metal inserted roughly into his flesh. As grateful as he was to have regained his memories, there was a lot he wished he could forget.

___

They landed in the shelter of an alleyway, hidden from any prying eyes. The silence that greeted them upon opening the doors was eerie.

No city should be this quiet , Rocket thought. The only sound was a weird, high-pitched hum that made his teeth ache and his fur stand on end.That’ll be the portal.

“Okay,” said Romanoff quietly. “We’re going to get as close as we can, scope out the situation. Once we’ve got a clear idea of where Thanos’s troops are, we’ll make a distraction. All clear?”

“Yes, little spider,” Loki said. “We know. We’ve been over this. It’s hardly a difficult concept—or do Midgardian minds need so much repetition to retain simple information?”

Rocket had been about to make an equally snarky comment, but he wasn’t about to agree with Loki. He was starting to seriously dislike the guy. “Hey, shut it, Mr. I’m-a-big-deal-just-because-I’m-a-god,” he snapped. “Widow’s in charge of this mission, we’re taking orders from her.”

Loki raised an eyebrow. “I am a prince of Asgard. I am only here because these puny Midgardians begged me for help—”

“Oh, really?” Romanoff folded her arms. “‘Cause the way I heard it, you’re here because all the rest of your bridges got burned.”

The god-guy started looking kind of pissed off. “I can’t believe I’m wasting my time—”

“So let’s stop wasting time,” Bucky interrupted. He didn’t speak loudly, but there was something about him that made everyone else pay attention.

It’s like he’s a grenade, thought Rocket, and everybody’s scared someone’s gonna pull the pin. It didn’t make sense, though. The guy was big, sure, but not as big as Drax, and he didn’t act like he was spoiling for a fight. So far he just seemed kinda quiet—and yet some instinct told Rocket that he was dangerous.

“We all know what our jobs are,” he continued, still in that soft voice that belied the tense posture of his body. “Widow. Orders?”

Romanoff’s mouth quirked upward in the smallest of smiles. “Thanks, Sergeant. I’ll take point. Barnes, take the rear. Loki—you can disguise our presence, yes?”

“Yes.”

“Then do it. Let’s move out.”

Bucky followed them, gun at the ready. Always ready. He scanned the area constantly, alert to the slightest noise, the slightest sign of movement through his night vision goggles. Rubble crunched and rolled underfoot as they stalked through the abandoned place, the shadows flickering weirdly in the portal’s purple glow.

“Ay!” Rocket cried.

Bucky glanced down, pointing his gun, only to realize his boot was squishing something soft.

“Watch the tail, asshole!”

“SSSSSHHHH! Quiet, you’ll give away our position!” Romanoff snapped, not even glancing over her shoulder. For one stomach-dropping second they stood still; finally, she signaled them forward.

Don’t think about the threats, Bucky reminded himself, eyes looking up, down, and side-to-side for any enemies. Well, think about them, but... just follow Widow’s orders. Follow... Bucky halted as Romanoff threw up her hand, signaling them to stop.

There, down in the entrance of an underground roadway tunnel, sat several odd-looking creatures. They were spindly, but heavily armored.

“Awe, damn,” Rocket muttered, “They got Kree armor.”

“Care to elaborate?” asked Romanoff.

“It means they’re gonna be harder to take out than we initially thought.”

“Bullet-proof?”

“At a distance, anyway,” Rocket told her. “Knives, though… those get through.”

Romanoff shook out her shoulders, taking a deep breath in preparation for the fight. “Well, then. Close quarters, it is. Shall we?”

Loki grinned, stepping forward with the humans, and Rocket swallowed his fear, covering it expertly with his own snarl of a challenge. He ran between Bucky and Romanoff, clearly the ones who would offer the most protection.

At close quarters, guns were practically useless anyway. Instead, they threw themselves into the fight, kicking, punching, and stabbing as more attackers came streaming in. Rocket ended up next to Bucky, using the guy’s height as a distraction while he took out the aliens who didn’t think to look down. It was a lot like fighting with Drax, except that Bucky didn’t laugh and yell challenges at his opponents, or take risks. He was brutally efficient, taking out his opponents with knives to the gut or eye, or punches that sent them flying.

Rocket stabbed another guy in the thigh, then leapt aside as Bucky smashed his face in with a single swing of his fist. They finished off another couple in similar fashion, and then, suddenly, all was quiet.

Looking around, Rocket saw that the ground littered with corpses. The other team members straightened from their own fighting stances, looking around cautiously. Romanoff glanced at Bucky.

“Hey Barnes, you hear anything?”

Bucky appeared to listen intently for a moment, then shook his head. “No hostiles in the immediate vicinity.”

“Good.” She nodded to the rest of them. “Good work, team. Let’s keep going.”

As they fell in behind her, Rocket noticed that Bucky’s gloves had come off, or been torn off during the fight. Where his left hand should be, there was only gleaming metal.

Huh. He shivered, memories of such enhancements flashing through his mind. Watching that arm swing, he was hyperaware of the cybernetics in his own back. That job’s precise... beautiful even… from an engineering standpoint. But there’s no flarking way he’d have been able to make that himself. The raccoonoid eyed it warily as they continued onward, gaze traveling up from the hand to the elbow. Wonder if it’s an entire arm. Modified. Enhanced. Engineered.

As though sensing his scrutiny, Bucky turned to look at him. “What?”

“Your hand.” Rocket shrugged, whispering as they headed into the underpass. “That’s top-grade shit, that is. Must be worth over a million units.”  He was practiced at brushing things off casually. But in his mind, the enhanced raccoon couldn’t help but wonder if this strange human had gone through a similar torture to what he had suffered. It wasn’t possible, was it?

Bucky frowned, unsure of how to respond. But he knew how the Winter Soldier would. He’d  ring that furry little neck. Or shoot him down. That’s all it would take. One bullet, anywhere on his body. It wouldn’t be hard at all. Like snapping a toothpick. Stop it. STOP IT. He tried to force the thoughts away from his mind. Stop coming up with ways to kill him.  How’d the tiny little creature even manage to make it this far?

“Barnes!” Romanoff snapped.

He looked up as she motioned for him to get down. Rocket and Loki were already crouching.

“That’s a Radatet bomb, right there,” the raccoonoid whispered, pointing at the strange, black, circular object bolted to the wall near the end of the tunnel . “We can’t get past it; it senses motion and thermal radiation.”

“Then what do you suggest?” Loki hissed.

Bucky examined the bomb as best he could from this distance, trying to decipher it. There had to be some way…

Loki leaned forward, his fingertips glowing with an eerie green light.

“NO!” Romanoff shouted, but too late—Loki made a throwing motion, shooting a beam of energy at the thing.

Bucky was moving before he so much as thought about it, grabbing the nearest person (Rocket), and flinging them both toward the closest maintenance alcove. The thing detonated as he ran, and he rolled forward, the raccoonoid still caught up in his arms, as the blast hit. In the minimal shelter of the alcove, he crouched for cover, using his back and left arm like a shield against the flying debris.

The roar of the explosion and rumble of falling masonry blocked out all other sound, dust exploding everywhere in a haze of cloudy smoke. Something hit Bucky in the back, slamming him against the wall of the alcove; Rocket made a whimpering sound, the bolts in his back digging painfully into Bucky’s sternum.

Then, above the noise, there was a loud groan, then a crack, and suddenly the ground underneath them gave way. They plummeted down into darkness, and Bucky kept just enough control to roll when he hit, somewhat mitigating the impact of his fall.

It still hurt like hell.

Above them, around them, debris was still falling, and Bucky rolled a bit further, out of the way, and curled into a ball, waiting for it to end. At last, the noise subsided; in its absence, everything was strangely muffled, save for the ringing in his ears. His muscles felt like they were on fire, and he was pretty sure he’d cracked a rib—unpleasant, certainly, but far from the worst injuries he’d sustained on a mission.

Painfully, he sat up, taking in his surroundings. There wasn’t much to see—the rubble above him was blocking out most of the light, and the dust in the air was thick enough to obscure everything else. If it wasn’t for his mask, he was pretty sure he’d be choking right now.

A cough from nearby had him reaching for his Glock, scrambling to his feet with far less grace than he normally used. Before he could aim at anything, however, Rocket emerged from the gloom, the fur on his arms smoking.

“You—” Rocket coughed again, stopped, and pulled something over his face— some type of gas mask, Bucky realized after a second, as Rocket took a deep, rattling breath and tried again.

“You alright there, pal?”

“Yeah,” Bucky said, a little dazed. “Yeah, I’m… what about you?”

The raccoonoid shrugged, a little stiffly. “Nothin’ a soak in the jacuzzi won’t fix.”

Bucky raised his eyebrows. “You have a jacuzzi?”

“Well, nothin’ wrong with wishing.”

“Uh huh.” Despite the urgency of their situation, Bucky couldn’t help smiling a little. It was the same kind of thing one of the Howlies might say— humor to lighten a dark situation, because if you thought too much about what was going on, you might just give up in despair. He’d done the same thing, once; nowadays, he mostly just tried to survive.

“You still got a com?” he asked, peering up at the hole they’d fallen through. It wasn’t much of a hole anymore— blocked by giant pieces of concrete and rebar, it would be difficult even for him to get out that way.

Rocket shook his head. “Musta lost it on the way down.”

“Okay. I’m gonna see if the others are… what happened to the others.” He really hoped they survived, because if they didn’t, Steve would go all sad and stoic and probably charge a machine-gun nest to relieve his feelings, and Bucky just could not deal with that right now. Also, he liked Romanoff—or at least, he respected her, which was close to the same thing.

“Do you think they’re—I mean, they were closer to the blast,” said Rocket, crossing his arms. “They might not—”

“I know,” Bucky snapped. He didn’t believe in God, not anymore, but he couldn’t help praying—or maybe just wishing really, really hard—anyway.Please, please let them be okay. Please let them be alive.

He took a deep breath, air acrid in his lungs, and turned on his com.

A string of Russian invectives met his ears, and he sighed in relief. Romanoff, at least, was alive.

“You mother-fucking son of a bitch, you could have gotten us killed! What the hell were you—”

“Romanoff?”

“Barnes,” she said immediately, breaking off mid-sentence. “Where are you? What’s your status?”

“Functional,” he said automatically. “No immediate maintenance required,” and then flinched. “I’m alright,” he corrected himself. “Rocket’s okay, too. We’re—under the tunnel, I think. What about you?”

“Scrapes and bruises, nothing major,” she said. “Loki did some weird god-thing and got us out of the blast zone. We’re… outside the tunnel. Or, where it used to be, anyway. Around five hundred meters southwest. Can you meet us there?”

“Negative,” said Bucky. He paced the tunnel as he talked, peering at their surroundings. “We’re blocked in, here. It’s gonna take some digging to get out.”

“You need rescue?”

“Nah. We can—I think this is a service tunnel, we should be able to get out. It’s just gonna take awhile.” He glanced at Rocket. “The two of you should get started on the mission. We’ll come find you once we get out of this mess.”

“Are you sure?”

“That okay?” he asked Rocket.

“Sure.”

“Yeah, we’re sure.”

“Alright, then.” She took a breath, clearly audible over the com. “We’ll meet you when you get out. And, Barnes?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t get yourself killed. I can’t face Cap’s disappointed face if I come back without you.”

“Noted,” he said dryly. “I’ll try to keep myself in one piece.”

“Do that. Over and out.”

“Over and out,” he repeated, and switched off his mic. “Well,” he said to Rocket, “I guess we’re on our own.”

“Seems so.” The raccoonoid shrugged, then bent to examine the heaps of debris all around them. “If I had my stuff I could dig us outta here no problem, but I left all that junk on the ship.”

Bucky pushed experimentally at a concrete slab, noticing as he did so that his sleeve had been completely torn away in the blast, leaving the metal arm exposed. The servos made a loud grinding sound in protest, and he winced. Clearly the fall hadn’t done it any favors.

Rocket’s head jerked upward at the sound. “Hey!”

“What?” Bucky asked warily. The last thing he needed was for this furry little alien to make a big fuss about his arm.

From his belt, Rocket pulled a small vial and tossed it to him. “You’re no good with a gimpy limb. That stuff is Havarax ointment, works wonders. Illegal in seven quadrants, but it does the trick.”

“Huh.” Bucky looked down skeptically at the phial in his hand, some unknown alien scribble dotting the crumpled label, then turned to watch the creature assess the situation, his tail flicking back and forth as he walked on two legs.  

“Five-hundred meters southwest.” Rocket ruminated on what he’d overheard. “We didn’t fall straight down—” pointing upward. “We must’ve been pushed a ways from the original blast on a diagonal… so depending on where Romanoff and bug-helmet guy ended up, we could be a good ways away.”

“I didn’t think to fall a certain way,” Bucky bit back. “I was too busy making sure you didn’t get crushed.”

“Yeah, and then you dropped me!”

“The entire floor fell out from under me!”

“Tsch,” Rocket’s tail flicked away the statement as if it made little difference. “Way I see it, we can either try to dig directly up and try to find them above the surface, or we can wander around down here and hope we come up near enough to wherever they ended up.”

Bucky flexed the fingers of his left hand, trying to push away his annoyance and concentrate.

“That metal thing don’t got a navigation system on it, does it?” Rocket pointed to his arm.

“Nope.” Bucky found himself smiling again. “Does yours?”

Rocket’s ears flicked back in his mask, the little ear flaps going down. Under lighter circumstances, Bucky may have found it sort of cute, in the way of a little dog that gets pissed when its owner puts a costume on it.

“No,” he grunted, turning away.

Bucky nodded. So it’s true. Those metal bolts… sounds like he didn’t ask for them, any more than I did. He uncapped the ointment and sniffed, wincing. “Smells like road-kill.”

Rocket laughed. “Yeah, but it works.”

Bucky pumped a dab onto his hand, the off-white viscous glob making his stomach turn even as he wiped it on. Immediately, he felt a cool rush flow through his hardware, relaxing the kinks it had suffered on the fall down.

“Thanks,” he said awkwardly, throwing it back to Rocket.

The raccoonoid looked at him. “I think I got a plan if we decide to climb out right here, but uhhh… I’m gonna need that arm.” He pointed at Bucky’s metal limb. "It comes off, right? If not, I bet I can fix that."

Bucky stared at him for a long moment, trying to hide the way his heartbeat had suddenly kicked up at the idea, at the memories. Repulsors fired, and he threw up his arm, trying to shield himself; blinding, searing pain, sparking through his shoulder and straight into his spine; no arm, no weapons, Stark advancing in the metal suit, Steve in harm's way, while he lay there helpless, no way to fight... His mouth tasted bitter, coppery, and he realized he was biting his lip, hands clenched at his sides.

For his part, Rocket’s stomach coiled, recognizing that look. It was the “bad memories coming back, but you’re trying to hide it” look.

“You don’t have to talk about it,” he tried to recover lamely. “And I don’t actually need your arm. It’s just a joke.”

“It’s not funny.” Bucky glared at him.

“Yeah Star-Dork doesn’t think so either.” Rocket paused. “Seriously, though. What is up with the arm? How did you even get that?"

Bucky shrugged, clearly trying to seem casual, but Rocket could hear his heart racing. "Buncha evil fuckers captured me, decided to turn me into a killing machine." The servos on his arm shifted like the scales of an angry snake. "I wasn't much good to them with just one arm, so they made me a new one."

Rocket tilted his head. “Nice workmanship, though.”

“Yeah, well.” He glanced down at his arm, brushing the fingers of his other hand against it. “This ain’t the one they made. T’Challa’s people gave me a new one, after—look, why the hell are we talking about this? You got a plan to get out of here?”

Rocket opened his mouth, ready with a smart remark, but the guy was all tense, his hands all clenched like he was ready for a fight. It wasn’t often he decided to go with tact, but at the moment… well. There was something familiar in the way Bucky held himself, like he’d been kicked around so much he was just waiting for someone else to step up and have a go at him. Rocket knew what it was like, to have someone else’s fingerprints all over your body, permanent reminders that no matter what you did, you’d never escape what was done to you, what you’d become. So maybe, just maybe, he could scrape up a little empathy. Bucky sure as hell wouldn’t know the difference.

“Yeah, I got a plan,” he said instead, thinking better of it. “Walk down this tunnel, see where it goes… and shoot anything that moves.”

It was hard to tell Bucky’s expression behind the mask, but his posture relaxed, his voice taking on a confident, almost cocky tone, almost as though a whole new person was breaking through. “Well, it’s simple, I gotta give you that. You got anything to shoot with? ‘Cause I lost my rifle saving your sorry ass, all I got left is a coupla pistols.”

“Uh, yeah.” He fumbled a little, confused by the sudden alteration in Bucky’s manner. “I still got my XR-16 Xandarian Rifle.”

“Ammo?”

“About a hundred rounds.”

“Okay, I got… fifty pistol rounds.” Bucky drew a pistol, flicking off the safety. “Guess we’ll have to pick our shots. Let’s head out.” Without waiting for Rocket’s reply, he stepped forward, down through the dark.

__

Rocket squinted as he walked, allowing Bucky to lead the way through the tunnel. Everything inside him made him want to jump up on the humie’s shoulder. A safe spot, perched. He pushed the instincts to the back of his mind, concentrating instead on the dim black ahead, rifle poised at the ready.

He watched the metal arm. Buncha evil fuckers captured me and decided to turn me into a killing machine. So many questions. Was there a chance that this human knew what he himself had gone through? Rocket longed to ask him, but bit his tongue.   Don’t go there. Don’t you dare go there, you pathetic piece of pelt!

“You play like you’re the meanest and the hardest, but really you’re the most scared of all.” Yondu’s words echoed in his mind to this day. He was right. So, so right. But maybe he wasn’t the only one for whom it was true.   No!  He chastised himself as they continued, he couldn’t, wouldn’topen up like that. He swallowed hard. Loneliness curled in the pit of his stomach.

Bucky stopped, holding up his fist.

“What?” Rocket barked, masking his inner emotions.

“I heard something.” Bucky crouched, peering through the shadows.

“What?”

“Shut it,” Bucky hissed, aiming at the roof of the tunnel. For once, the raccoonoid obeyed. They crouched in silence, waiting. Bucky’s own breath caught as a large hissing creature slithered down from the wall of the tunnel. Leaping forward, he shot three times and rolled as it was about to land on him, large sinuous body still slithering even as he turned to see its bullet-ridden form. What the hell?

“The flark is that?!” Rocket cried.

“I was about to ask you,” Bucky admitted.

“What, you think just cuz I ain’t from here means I know every wacked-out creature there is?!”

Bucky turned back to the reptilian thing. Its tail was still twitching. He carefully nudged it with the butt of his pistol once it had stopped moving. “Must’ve come through one of the portals. Be on your guard, there could be more.”

Rocket nodded, looking through the scope of his own weapon.

Bucky moved forward, reloading as he went. The tunnel walls curved slightly, dark mold and runny streams of minerals making brown and brass-colored muck that seeped out from the cracks. Another scurrying sound.

BAM! Rocket fired.

Bucky whirled, then shook his head. “That’s just a rat.”

Rocket looked at the dead thing skeptically. “It’s pretty big.”

“Maybe you’re just small.”

Rocket’s red eyes narrowed, aiming his gun ahead, just past Bucky. “Yeah, well, my gun ain’t, so I suggest you keep walkin’!”

Bucky shook his head, laughing as he crept forward. It was an empty threat if he ever heard one. They navigated the tunnel with acute wariness; Bucky glanced above, around and even below them, as he’d been trained. But through the length they walked, the only sounds were rats.

“Exactly how long are these tunnels, humie? You got any idea where the hell we even are?” Rocket demanded, clearly impatient after a while of sneaking about and false alarms.

“Hey, I told you I don’t have a navigation system, here,” said Bucky. “You got a better idea, be my guest.”

Rocket huffed, and then… huffed again. He stopped, sniffing.

“You got a cold, or something?” Bucky asked.

“No, there’s… there’s an air current. An opening, somewhere.”

Bucky looked around, then up, searching for a break in the tunnel walls. “There!” He pointed upward, where a patch of stars was just visible through what he suspected was a manhole. “We can get through up there.”

“How the hell are we supposed to get up there?” Rocket demanded, craning to look upward.

“I thought you had a plan.”

“I told you it was a joke!” Rocket cried, looking up at the manhole. “Unless that Wakandan arm thing can scale tunnel walls, I’m out of ideas.”

“You’ve broken out of twenty-four prisons! Or was that another joke?”

Rocket lifted his gun to his shoulder. “No, it ain’t a joke! But this ain’t a prison. It’s a tunnel. Do you see any security cams I can override, any weapons? No! All that’s down here is rats, and water and mold and that weird space lizard!”

Bucky waved his hands, exasperated. “Okay, keep your shirt on, Christ. We’ll think of something.” He peered upward, ignoring Rocket’s muttering.

“Okay,” he said eventually. “I got an idea, but… you’re probably not gonna like it.”

Rocket’s eyes narrowed. “What is it?”

He took a breath. “Well, it looks like it’s about twenty feet up, and you’re pretty small, so… um… I could throw you.”

There was a moment of silence.

“ Throw me?” said Rocket incredulously. “Are you outta your mind ?”

“Not unlikely,” he answered. “But honestly, I think it’s our best shot. Once you’re up there, you can tie a cable to something and throw it down for me to climb up.”

“We don’t have a rope,” Rocket pointed out.

“Yeah, we do.” Bucky unclipped a spool of cable from his belt. “We can use this.”

“That little thread ain’t gonna hold your weight, pal.”

“It’s vibranium, I could dangle a struggling rhinoceros off the Brooklyn Bridge and it’d be fine,” says Bucky impatiently. “Come on, we gonna do this or not?”

Rocket shook his head. “I only understood about half of what you just said,” he grumbled. “Anyway, I’m still stuck on the part where you throw me into the ceiling . I don’t wanna end up as a buncha mush on the roof of this tunnel.”

Bucky rolled his eyes, invisible under his goggles. “I’m not gonna throw you into the ceiling, I’m gonna throw you through the hole in the ceiling. I’ve got good aim, I’m not gonna miss.”

The raccoon looked at him for a few seconds, considering, before he said, “Throw somethin’ else through, first, and if you make it I’ll go.”

It was a pretty reasonable request, actually, so Bucky shrugged and headed over to the wall. He punched the concrete in a couple of places, ripping out a large chunk. Behind him, Rocket swore in startlement; he ignored him and headed to the space under the hole. He took a second to judge the angle, then threw, straight through the center of the opening. There was a thump as the projectile landed on the ground above.

He turned to Rocket, dusting his hands. “There. Now do you believe me?”

When Rocket spoke, his voice sounded a little funny, like he maybe got some grit in his throat. “Okay, humie. I guess we may as well give this crazy plan of yours a try.”

Bucky smiled to himself. Finally. He hoisted Rocket up, grunting as the raccoonoid squirmed in his hold.

Breathe, just breathe, they aren’t going to take you apart again, Rocket reprimanded himself, clenching his teeth as Bucky’s arms lifted him up. Being held like this, suspended, was different from being up on Groot’s shoulders. Everything in his mind yelled at him to bite Bucky’s hand. They held him up like this to transfer him from his cage to the gurney cart. They held him like this to transfer him from the gurney cart to the table. The table with the knives and…

“Ready?” Bucky asked. He could feel the creature’s body tense as it fought the urge to thrash. He knows what it’s like to be restrained. Best I can do is make it quick.

Rocket swallowed. “As I’ll ever be...Wait!”

“What?” Bucky demanded, exasperated.

“....don’t tell Quill.”

“Alright I won’t,” he promised. “Okay 1….2…” Bucky threw, having already measured the distance. He bit back a laugh at Rocket’s cursing as he was propelled upward, the end of his tail disappearing through the top of the manhole.

“Got it?” Bucky hollered upward.

“I should flarking leave you down there!” Rocket answered, looking down on him.

“Do you have the cable?” The creature said nothing, but the cable fell down, and Bucky grabbed it, hoisting himself up.

“Thanks,” he said, grabbing the small paw Rocket offered. Bucky glanced around. W indows shattered, street covered with debris. No sign of Romanoff or Loki. None of Thanos’s goons, either.

“ This cable thing is great,” Rocket commented, wrapping it up. “Wakanda, man, wouldn’t be a bad spot to retire.”

Bucky pulled off his mask, taking a deep breath of cool night air. In his mind, he pictured the towering waterfalls and miles of open grassland, the beauty of all that vibranium, not only in weapons but transportation, technology, everything. “No, it wouldn’t.”

There was a click as Rocket removed his own mask. “I don’t see the others anywhere.”

“No.” Bucky glanced around, uncomfortable in the open. “Let’s get behind something, then I’ll call Romanoff.”

“Can you see a water tower from where you are?” Romanoff asked over the com. “It’s got murals of butterflies on it and shit?”

Bucky scanned the horizon. “Yeah—about a mile east of us, looks like.”

“We’ll meet you by that.”

“Roger.” He flipped off his mic with a sigh. “Okay, we’ve got a rendezvous point.”

Rocket hefted his gun. “Well, then, let’s go.”

They headed out into the night, slinking between the shadows like ghosts. There was something intrinsically familiar about this, watching someone else’s back in an occupied city. Bucky half expected Falsworth to materialize around the corner, signaling the all-clear, or to hear Jones and Dernier whispering in French, probably working out some crazy new way to blow something up.

Instead, gunfire erupted from up ahead, sending up a cloud of debris and shattering the glass of the building next to them. He whipped around towards the noise, raising his pistol as he searched for the shooter. There. A squat, marshmallow-like creature perched on the balcony of a ruined apartment building, directly across the square from them He fired, once, twice. Target down.

His mind snapped into computer-mode, running through the litany. Second enemy, at three o’clock. Three shots in quick succession, chest, head, neck. The alien went down. The noise attracted others, and Bucky took out three more popping out from a nearby alley.

Footsteps, heavily armored foe. Bucky twisted, reaching out for the alien who charged him, and kneed it in the stomach, gripped its arm and flipped it onto its back on the ground. Its cry was lost to the cracking sound of broken bones as he crushed its windpipe beneath his heel.

Rocket looked on as Bucky seemed to dance seamlessly, bringing down each alien who attacked. He picked one up and threw it into another, then shot them both as he ducked another alien. At some point, he’d drawn a knife with a twelve-inch blade, which he used to run another alien through the rib-cage. In a bloody dance of metal and fire he twisted, punched, kicked, jumped, and shot.

He was moving too quickly for Rocket to shoot without risking hitting him by accident, and the racoonoid found himself just watching as he mowed their attackers down. He fought the way Gamora and Nebula did, with an absolute ruthlessness and economy of movement—but they were more than half cyborg, created by Thanos for murder. Bucky was just human… wasn’t he?

Finally, Bucky slammed the last of the aliens to the ground, grunting as he tugged his knife free of the hole he’d created in its chest.

“What’d they do to you?” Rocket whispered, looking around, bewildered, at the fifteen aliens who lay strewn like fields after a storm. No normal human should be able to fight like that... he thought, turning around to examine the carnage.

Bucky glanced at him, then frowned, moving closer. He raised a hand, as though to touch Rocket’s collarbone, where the metal implants were visible above the collar of his shirt. For a long moment, the two of them just stood there, staring at each other. Then Bucky’s hand dropped, and he took a breath.

“Same sorta things they did to you.”

Rocket felt a little chill raise the fur along his spine. “Fuckin’ scientists,” he muttered. “Buncha nutcases, the lot of ‘em.”

Bucky bent to pick up an alien rifle, checking the magazine for ammo with practiced efficiency. “Yeah, give a guy a white coat and a couple prisoners and all of a sudden he thinks he’s God,” he said.

Rocket snorted, hand going to his own gun. “Doesn’t make em’ immune to bullets, though.”

A sharp grin stretched Bucky’s lips. “No, it doesn’t.”  

They walked together down the street, Bucky’s large strides stepping over debris where Rocket had to scramble. He resisted the urge to smile at the sight of the small creature brandishing a gun nearly as big as himself as he hopped over the rubble strewn across their path.

Movement caught his eye, and he raised the alien rifle without thinking, firing up at the empty window of an adjacent building. The sniper returned fire, and Bucky ducked behind a statue, using the figure’s sweeping robes as cover.

BANG! BANG!

Bucky fired several more rounds, unable to get a good shot at the sniper. More gunfire erupted around them, and he turned side-on, minimizing the amount of target he presented. Above, the alien sniper moved, a head coming into view for a split second, and Bucky pulled the trigger.

BANG, the alien went down, and Bucky lowered his rifle.

BANG, BANG...BANG . He whirled around as the noise continued, just in time to see one of their attackers go down in a spray of greenish blood. Empty cartridges littered his feet, but the shots kept coming. The last alien hit the ground, and he looked up, wild-eyed, and realized the raccoon had scrambled onto his shoulder and continued firing.

“Thanks,” Bucky managed, still perplexed. He hefted the Rocket’s weight on his shoulder; it wasn’t much, barely the weight of an additional gun.

“Yeah, no problem.” he murmured, sounding almost… embarrassed. He made as if to clamber down again, but Bucky put up a hand to stop him.

“Why don’t you stay up there?”

Predictably, Rocket bristled. “I don’t need a piggyback ride, humie, I’m not your pet parrot.”

Bucky tilted his head so he could meet his eyes. “I ain’t giving out free rides, pal. I could use you watching my six, and it’s a hell of a lot easier if you can just face backwards.”

For a long moment, Rocket just stared at him, expression unreadable on his strange features. Then, “Alright,” he said. “I got your back.”

Bucky knew that tone. “What?”

“Nothing! It’s...just that I...I ain’t never fought with anyone like that since…Groot...”

“The angsty tree teen?”  Bucky asked, peering around to make sure the coast was clear.

Rocket’s ears flattened. “No.”

“…Okay.” Bucky knew all about sore subjects. He wasn’t about to push on this one. He started forward again, scanning through broken doors and shattered windows as he went.

“Not the one you met, anyways….” Rocket whispered.

Bucky glanced up at him, surprised at the continuation. “Who was he, then?”  

Rocket thought for a long time, then said, with more gentleness then Bucky had imagined possible from the scrappy little creature, “Your Steve. My version of him, anyways.”

Bucky stopped walking, floored. “My Steve?”

“I saw you guys making gooey eyes at each other on the Milano. ”

He started walking again, feeling mildly horrified. “You and a… tree… creature? Is that—how does that work ?”

“Eew! Not like that, you creep!”

“You said he was like your version of Steve!”

“I meant the—the best friends forever part, not… ugh… gross…”

“Okay, okay, I get it,” said Bucky, feeling relieved. There were some things in this brave new world that he just didn’t want to think about. He eased himself around the corner of a building, compensating for the slight weight on his shoulder. “So…” he said, more gently, “what happened?”

Rocket sighed, rubbing his paws over his muzzle and then the fur between his ears in a truly raccoon gesture. “He’s… dead. Sacrificed himself to save us on the battle of Xandar,” he said.  “He died shielding us from the impact.”

Bucky listened, trying to push the impossibilities and doubts from his mind. Trying to stop questioning how absurd this all was. “Sounds like something Steve would do,” he muttered. Selfless Steve Rogers.

A crater had been blasted in the middle of the street, and he edged around it, not wanting to fall again. The desolation was getting to him; Wakandan cities were normally so beautiful, so full of life, and this felt terribly wrong. Like Italy.

“Damn bleedin’ hearts,” Rocket said, without much vitriol attached.

Bucky could only nod. The water tower drew slowly closer as he walked, its lights still gleaming in the strange purplish dark.

“This Groot, you two were partners?” he finally inquired. “Where did you meet? The Hundred Acre Wood, with all the other woodland creatures?”

“Very funny,” Rocket answered dryly. “We broke outta prison together. It wasn’t long after I escaped...escaped them .”

Bucky could feel the creature’s grip tighten on his shoulder and the top of his head, tense like a coiled spring ready to go off.

What would I do if Steve died…? He shuddered to even think of it. He knew he ought to say something, but didn’t know what. I used to be good at this. Or maybe I was only ever good at it with Steve. He thought about that, for a moment, trying to recall. He remembered, now, the way Steve sometimes looked at him during the War— hopeful and kind of sad, like a kicked puppy. He hadn’t known how to handle it— everything had seemed too big, too raw, too out of control, and it had taken all his self-control not to throw down his gun and run away screaming. Follow Captain America into the jaws of death . Well, he’d done that, alright.  

“Steve broke me out of a Nazi prison camp,” he found himself saying. “During the War. Well, I guess that wouldn’t mean nothing to you, but— they were—well, they were just about as evil as you can get. And the place I was at, they were—doing experiments. I was one of ‘em.” He kicked a rock in front of him, watched it bounce along the ground. “Little idiot got himself turned into a superhero, took on the whole damned compound all on his lonesome, trying to find me. Nearly got himself killed.”

“But he found you?” Rocket sounded… anxious, almost, as though reassuring himself. “You got out.”

Bucky peered around the corner of a warehouse, searching for signs of movement. He didn’t see any. “Yeah, I got out. And then they fucking took me right back again.” He took a shuddering breath, not sure why he was explaining this to this odd, violent little alien. Somehow, though, now that he’d started, he couldn’t seem to stop. “I—I thought there couldn’t be—worse than what they’d already done— I thought, the stuff they did to my— to my body, I could… I could take it, if I had to. But they took my brain, and they— they just yanked everything out, took away—everything that wasme , filled it up with their evil bullshit. And I couldn’t do a damn thing about it.”

“They gave me sentience,” Rocket whispered, so low that Bucky could hardly hear him, close as they were. “I never asked for it. I don’t even know what I was before I became what they made me. Love, friendship, family, I never knew what those things were.” He shifted, claws digging into Bucky’s shoulder. “They forced sentience on me, but they took yours away, didn’t they? Or they tried.” He laughed mirthlessly. “Shit, I can't imagine what’s worse.”

Bucky nodded, trying hard to stifle his shaking. It’s true, he thought. He clenched his fists to try and keep the memories at bay.

“They made you do things, didn’t they? Terrible things.” Rocket said, hushed.

The only sound between them was the crunch of broken pavement beneath Bucky’s boots. “Yes,” he whispered, trying to shut out the memories.

Rocket looked away, to the point where Bucky wasn’t sure if he was actually speaking to him.  “But at that point you were already so fucked up you didn’t even question if it was right or wrong, huh?” His tail flicked, brushing across Bucky’s face. “Sometimes you don’t even question it, now. And that Steve guy, your boyfriend or whatever, you’re so worried that someday you’re going to revert back into what they tried to make you and you’ll go ape-shit and kill him, ain’t that right? Even if it’s just for a second…...a  second’s all it takes.”

He was shaking now, his grip on the back of Bucky’s head borderline painful. “That’s what it was. Just a second. Just a split second, I decided to crash my ship into the Dark Aster, and send it plummeting down.” Aggression, impulsiveness, total lack of self-preservation or consideration of consequences…. traits those scientists had conditioned him into having. “…I destroyed our only means of escape. Wasn’t thinking...so Groot he, he grew around us and…” He sniffed. “Well, there wasn’t much left of him after the fall.”

“A second is all it takes…”

Bucky was pretty sure the creature was crying, at this point, and he couldn’t blame him. How many times had he seen Steve throw himself into danger on his behalf? Or, God, how many times had he nearly killed Steve as the Winter Soldier? Poor little guy. Universe sure dealt him a bum hand, just like it did me.

“I...I’m sorry,” he managed. “About your friend.”

“It’s not your fault.” Rocket mumbled.

“Hey! Listen to me.” Bucky took a deep breath. Hope they found a cure for rabies by now , he couldn’t help thinking, and reached up to pat Rocket clumsily on the shoulder. “It’s not your fault, okay? If I blamed myself for every death I inadvertently caused, I’d be far less sane then I am now—and I’m barely sane as it is.”

He felt the raccoonoid go rigid at being touched, but then he relaxed, allowing the contact for a few seconds before shrugging Bucky’s grip off of him.

BANG!   Bucky instantly snapped back to reality as dust from the misshot of a gun grazed his boots. Rocket hoisted his own gun with one arm, still perched on Bucky’s shoulder with the other. “Up there!”

The ex-Winter Soldier pointed his own gun, looking through the scope. There, in the sixth story window. Another one of those alien-like creatures, armored with Thano’s telltale garb. Bucky fired. Quick! Shoot them before they shoot you. He fired, once, twice, ignoring Rocket, who was struggling to keep his balance.

Bang! Bang! Concrete flew up all around them; the aliens had some kind of mortar. Shit! Too much firepower! Cursing once more, Bucky ran, ducking and weaving as shells exploded around them, Rocket clinging desperately to his neck. With a burst of speed, he ducked down a narrow alleyway to their left, chest heaving as he slid down the wall to a sitting position.

“What the f—flark?!” Rocket cursed, all his fur standing up.

“Shh! Just wait a sec!” Bucky waited. Breathe. Just breathe. Wait. After a few precious moments, he lifted his gun, pointing it around the corner and slowly poking his head out, scanning the street outside for movement. It was deserted now, but it wouldn’t stay that way for long.

As if on cue, Bucky started at the sound of explosive gunfire behind him.

“AAAAAHHHH!!!” Rocket’s screaming laughter over the rattle of machine guns strangely assured Bucky, sending the thrill of the fight through his veins as he ran forward once more.

They weaved in and out of the buildings, around the corner, and he skidded to a halt. Shit!

He was staring down the barrel of a mounted gun. Behind it, one of Thanos’s goons grinned yellow teeth. Bucky pulled the trigger. Click.

Shit! No more ammo . His stomach tensed, Steve’s image flashing across his mind as he dropped the rifle and drew a pistol.

In the next second, Rocket launched himself from his shoulder. The raccoonoid landed squarely on the alien’s face, biting, scratching and punching. Bucky ducked just in time as the alien was knocked sideways, firing off the weapon. It pulled a knife from its belt, frantically jabbing at Rocket, who jumped off him and picked up his abandoned gun.

“Rocket!” he shouted, but the little creature shot the alien once, twice, three times, four, over and over until long after it had collapsed, lifeless.

“What?” Rocket turned to him, blood dripping from his arm as he hefted the weapon that was twice his size over his shoulder. “I said I got your back.”

You just shot that thing into oblivion, and we need to conserve ammo. “You’re bleeding,” Bucky said, deciding that discretion was the better part of valor. He didn’t really feel like having an argument about unnecessary force just now—especially as it would be highly hypocritical.

The raccoonoid glanced at his cut. “Just a graze, humie. I’ve had worse, and so have you.”

Bucky nodded, conceding. “Glad you’re on my side,” he said, grinning. “Remind me never to piss you off. You know, you’re quite a force to be reckoned with, for a raccoon.”

He shifted his gaze to the empty buildings around them, on the alert once more. What he didn’t see was Rocket, who had climbed onto his shoulder again. His eyes were bright, chest thrust out in pride, and he was grinning from ear to ear.

__

“Widow?” Rocket whispered, leaning forward on Bucky’s shoulder and into the shattered first-story window of an apartment building a little while later. “Yo! Fancy boy with the bug hat? You there?!”

Bucky snickered. “Shhh! We’re not there yet.”

After waiting a moment in silence, they continued onward. Stepping down off the cracked stairs, Bucky checked his nine and three directions, all clear.

“You seem pretty calm about our situation here, bald-body,” Rocket commented, picking at the small wound in his side.

Bucky shrugged. “Not like I haven’t seen worse.”

Right. Torture. “How long did they have you, anyway? Those Nazi people.”

“HYDRA,” said Bucky absently. “They changed the name. About… seventy years. Give or take.”

“Seventy years ?”

Bucky turned another corner, sliding against the cracked concrete and crouching between the traffic barriers, now deserted. “I was on ice for a lot of it. Cryogenically frozen. But… yeah.”

Rocket didn’t know a whole lot about humans, but he was pretty sure that was most of a human lifespan. “Flark,” he breathed. “You really did lose everything. Family… friends… hell, I bet you were a standup guy before they did what they did. Going off and fightin’ in that war.”

“Mmm,” Bucky muttered, ducking under a partially-collapsed archway.

“They cut into you and tore you apart. So bad that your body was no longer yours. It belonged to them. You belonged to them. You were a tool, a plaything. That arm—” Rocket gestured to the metal limb— “That’s a Wakandan upgrade. But those Nazi psychos must’ve given you another one.”

Bucky glanced at the metal arm.

“That’s not the only thing they did to you, was it?”

“No, it wasn’t.” He suddenly fired at an alien who jumped at them down from the rafters. It fell dead before them, and Bucky stepped over it, apparently unfazed. “I told you they messed a lot of shit up, alright, can we not go down that road again?”

But Rocket wouldn’t be deterred. “It’s what’s in the inside that’s really fucked. They yanked everything out, like you said.”

Bucky walked forward, checking his gun as the rounded another deserted street.

“They messed up your mind…...your heart.” Rocket’s voice choked, lost in his own memories of Halfworld.

Bucky sighed, stopping for a moment to lean against a wall. “Everything that was me, remember? I meant it when I said everything .”

In Rocket's head, bright lights glared. Steel tables, blades, the smell of blood and fear… He swallowed, hardly aware that he was speaking aloud. “Cut into pieces with their scalpels and those machines… That’s what they wanted right? A machine. That’s what they tried to turn you into.”

“Yeah,” said Bucky, taking a deep breath, “they tried.” He glanced up, smirking. “Look at us now, though. Sure, we’re a few potatoes short of a bushel, but… they’re dead. We’re not. So from where I’m standing, looks like we won, huh?”

Rocket grinned back, a surge of warmth filling his chest. Take that, fuckers. After all that, we’re alive.

“What about you? You were just an innocent… creature… and they—they tortured you…”

Rocket stared incredulously at the only person in this whole damn galaxy who perhaps understood, truly understood what he’d been through. He shook his head. Out of all the creatures in the damn galaxy. Not even Yondu, not even Groot, fully knew what this humie knows. What a world.

“So you don’t remember anything at all?” Bucky asked, unable to silence his curiosity.

“Just smells.” Rocket said. “Trees, dirt mostly and other things...fur, I think. Musk.” He shook his head, snapping out of it. “Guess that’s why I don’t mind having Groot around. He smells like a tree.”

Don’t mind having Groot around. Bucky almost snorted. That’s an understatement if I ever heard one. He recalled the raccoons that rummaged in the bins behind his childhood apartment in New York, and had a vivid mental image of Rocket popping out of a trashcan, gun and all. He bit back a laugh at the thought. The prickly little creature probably wouldn’t appreciate the joke.

Rocket suddenly tensed, whiskers twitching.

“What is it?” Bucky looked around, but couldn’t see anything.

“Someone’s coming,” the raccoonoid swung his gun around, aiming at where they had just passed.

Bucky switched his mic on. “Romanoff?” he whispered.

For a moment, there was only silence. Bucky waited, holding his breath. All the fur on Rocket’s neck stood up.

“There you are!”

Bucky lowered his gun, sighing with relief as Romanoff and Loki rounded the corner.

“We thought you’d gotten lost,” said Romanoff, a flicker of genuine relief barely audible before she cleared her throat and resumed practiced practicality. “We set off one of the explosions, but there’s still the illusions left to do, and we need a full team for that.”

“We tried to get to you. There were a lot more aliens than we thought,” Bucky explained.

“Well, you’re here now. Let’s finish this up.”

“We can’t,” said Loki. “My Rendelian crystal is missing!”

Romanoff gave him a look of flat disbelief. “Don’t tell me you lost it?”

He huffed in frustration. “I had it right here, in my pocket! Rendelian crystals don’t just get up and walk away!”

“You’ll have to do without it,” said Romanoff impatiently. “We don’t have time for this!”

“I needed that crystal to channel my power! I can’t create that kind of illusion without some kind of focus!”

“Sounds important,” said Rocket innocently.

Bucky cast him a sharp look. Years of dealing with Steve’s bullshit had made him very familiar with that particular tone, and it never meant anything but trouble.

“Yes, it is!”

“Valuable, too.”

“It’s practically priceless!”

Rocket reached into his pocket, smirking. “Oh, I don’t know about that. I’d be willing to give it back to you for, say, a few thousand units.”

There was a taut moment of silence, like the instant before the release of a bowstring. The scene could have been a photograph: Rocket smirking, Romanoff wary, Loki slowly going incandescent with rage. Bucky could almost hear the snap when it broke.

“You!” Loki snarled. “You insulting, insufferable little freak!” He lunged towards Rocket with incredible speed.

The raccoonoid hunkered down on all fours on instinct, fur bristling, but Loki was too quick, grabbing Rocket by the scruff of his neck and held him dangling, snarling and spitting.

“I’m going to skin you alive and roast you on a spit, you little animal!” He jabbed a finger at Rocket’s snarling muzzle. “I don’t know who made you, but they should’ve killed you the first chance they got. You rat! I…”

Click-click.   The mischief-maker stopped short, the barrel of Bucky’s rifle pointed squarely between his eyes.

“Put. Him. Down,” Bucky whispered dangerously.

Loki’s expression shifted from furious to incredulous before settling on fear as he stared at Bucky’s murderous face.

Bucky’s rifle didn’t waver; rage was coursing through him, cold and hard and dangerous as ice. “I’m not asking again. Release him.”

The Asguardian swallowed, then let go, dropping Rocket to land all fours on the ground.

Bucky slammed Loki against the wall, arm to his throat. He’d rather scare the man than kill him, but right now, he wouldn’t be shedding any tears if he gave Loki a few bruises to remember him by.

“I won’t be told what to do…” Loki’s breath shook as Bucky pressed his arm harder into his neck, pinning him to the wall.

“You will apologize to him. You will respect him and you will never speak that way to him again. And if you threaten him one more time…”

“Boys,” Romanoff drawled, still leaning against the opposite wall of the alley, “Let’s calm down a bit, shall we?”

“Apologize,” Bucky growled, drawing a knife from his belt. “Now.”

“Barnes, come on, calm down.”

“It’s— just—a rodent,” Loki choked out, either stupid or suicidally confident.

“Yeah,” said Bucky, baring his teeth. “And I’m just a brain-damaged assassin.” He touched the knife tip to the place where Loki’s ear met his skull; a cut there wouldn’t kill him, but it would hurt like hell. “I don’t like bullies, pal. You got five seconds.”

“Alright!” gasped Loki. “Alright! I’m—sorry. There. Happy?”

“What are you sorry for? Tell him, not me.”

“I’m sorry I called him—you—those things! And threatened you!”

“And…?”

“And I won’t do it again!”

Bucky stepped back, letting him fall. Turning, he caught Rocket’s eyes.

“You crazy son of a bitch.” Rocket’s tone sounded closer to awe than anger. “I coulda handled him.”

“Yeah,” said Bucky, sheathing his knife and picking up the rifle. “But I don’t let nobody talk to my friends like that. Not on my watch.”

Rocket opened his mouth, then closed it again, apparently at a loss for words. Before anything else could be said, Romanoff stepped in.

“Okay, if we’re done with all the posturing, could we please focus, here? Rocket, why don’t you hand Loki the damned crystal, and we can get this over with.”

Wordlessly, Rocket threw the thing to Loki, who accepted it with a grunt.

“Follow me,” Romanoff ordered, and the rest of them stepped in line behind her.

Rocket trailed behind Bucky, running a hand through his fur. “Uhhh, listen… thanks for what you did back there.”

Bucky glanced down at him, a smile coming to his face. “Any time,” he said sincerely.

It felt good to stand up for someone again, to do something simple and good. It had been a long time since he defended people, protected them.Steve would be proud. The thought of it made his smile widen as they headed out.

__

“Shit! Shit, shit, shit!” Rocket dove out of the way as the delivery van he’d been sheltering behind vaporized under an energy bolt from an alien gun. “Bucky, where the hell are you?”

Three shots rang out in quick succession, followed by a sudden silence.

“Taking out the sniper,” said Bucky over the coms. “You okay?”

“Of course I am, humie. Take a little more than that to take me out,” Rocket bluffed, trying to ignore the way his heart was racing. “We done here, or what?”

He still couldn’t see Bucky; the guy was on the rooftops somewhere, but he seemed to have an ability to blend in just about anywhere. Off in the distance, the illusions Loki had set continued to flare and crackle like fireworks. They needed to get out of here, before Thanos’s troops caught them.

“Romanoff?” Bucky asked. “What are your orders?”

Silence.

“Romanoff?”

Another, nerve-wracking silence, then a cough, then Romanoff’s voice. “Yeah, I— sorry. My com got—” She broke off.

“What the hell is going on?” Rocket demanded. “We need to get out of here!”

“Much as I hate to agree with the—”

“Shut up, Loki,” Bucky snapped. “I’ve got Romanoff. Meet me by that— is that a burger place? Whatever. The place with the sign.”

Rocket hurried to the storefront indicated, ears swiveling to catch any hint of attackers. Nothing moved; for the moment, their little section of the city seemed to be deserted. Loki met him at the door, pointedly looking over his head, like it was beneath him to acknowledge a rodent . Rocket gave a little hiss. Same to you, asshole.

“Hurry up, Bucky,” he snapped into his com. “We don’t got all day.”

Bucky didn’t answer. Instead, he rounded the corner, carrying—oh. He was carrying Romanoff, and the way her head was lolling against his chest did not bode well.

“What happened to her?” Rocket demanded, hurrying forward.

“Knife wound, maybe broken ribs, not sure what else,” said Bucky. “She was under a pile of dead aliens when I found her. Loki, I’m gonna need that coat.”

“I—” Bucky gave him a dark look. “Coat. Now.”

Loki huffed, but stripped off his coat and handed it over.

“You two keep a lookout. I’m gonna bandage her up.” Bucky laid Romanoff on one of the tables inside, cushioning her head on his own jacket, then began cutting Loki’s coat into strips. The knife was still stuck in her thigh, which was probably the reason she hadn’t bled out already—but there was no way they could get her back to the Milano without jostling it. It needed to come out.

At least she’s already unconscious, he thought, and set about making a tourniquet.

Romanoff woke up just as Bucky finished bandaging her.

“Fuck,” she groaned, and then, “Barnes?”

“Hi,” he said, ridiculously awkward for someone who had her blood all over his hands. Then again, maybe that had something to do with his awkwardness. Usually being covered in blood didn’t mean he’d just saved someone. “How are you feeling?”

“Alive,” she said drily. “Which is honestly more than I was expecting, so I’ll take it.” She pushed herself up on her elbows, uttering a slight hiss of pain. “What’s the damage?”

“It missed your femoral artery by about half a centimeter,” he told her. “I put a tourniquet on and packed it with those vibranium bead things of Shuri’s. Other than that—I think you’ve got at least one broken rib, but nothing’s poking through, so I’m gonna assume you’re not about to collapse a lung. Did you hit your head?”

Romanoff shook her head. “Nope, just— moved wrong, fainted.” She looked disgruntled. “I hate it when I do that.”

“It happens to the best of us,” he assured her solemnly.

“Super-soldiers,” she muttered. “Okay, we need to get out of here, back to the pod. Are Rocket and Loki okay?”

“They’re fine. We need to get you to the Milano before you lose any more blood— or before that tourniquet starts causing problems. The pod’s too far away.”

“I see.” She pursed her lips. “I don’t suppose Thanos’s minions left any alien ships lying around here?”

“Hey guys!” Rocket called from outside. “There’s a bunch of hoverbikes out here!”

As it turned out, only one of the hoverbikes was working, but one was all they needed. After a short debate, Loki and Romanoff took the bike back to the Milano, as (a) Loki could create illusions to mask their presence, lessening the risk of them being attacked, (b) Romanoff needed someone bigger than her to support her in case she lost consciousness again, and (c) there was no way Bucky was leaving Loki and Rocket alone together.

As the hoverbike disappeared into the distance, Rocket turned to Bucky. “Well, guess it’s just us again.”

“Yeah.” Bucky wiped his bloody hands on his pants, then slung his rifle over his shoulder. “C’mon, let’s get back to the shuttle.”

___

“Groot!” Rocket launched himself at his friend, wrapping his arms around Groot’s legs as far as they would go. “Buddy! Are you okay? You ain’t hurt?”

“I am Groot.”

“What d’you mean, ‘Of course not’? You coulda been— you coulda been—” Rocket’s words were lost as he wound his arms even more tightly around the tree-like creature’s leg. The teen rolled his eyes, making an annoyed huff, but he made no attempt to pry Rocket off of him, and even grew several vines around the raccoonoid’s torso in what Bucky could only interpret as a tight hug.

Bucky snorted, and tried to cover it with a cough.

Rocket glared at him. “You got a problem, pal?”

“Not me,” said Bucky innocently, but he couldn’t quite keep the smirk off his face. “Just gotta say, for a guy who goes on about other people beingbleeding hearts , you’re kind of a sap.”

Rocket’s reply was drowned out by a shout from down the hall.

“You didn’t tell me he was here!” Steve came barreling into the room like he was about to take down the entire Third Reich, and skidded to a halt in front of Bucky.

“Bucky!” he said breathlessly. “Are you— I mean—can I—”

Bucky rolled his eyes. “Just get over here, Stevie.”

Apparently that was all it took, because the next second, he was enveloped in Steve’s arms, with Steve’s face buried in his shoulder. Bucky held on tight, bringing his right hand up to cradle the back of Steve’s head.

“Yeah, okay, darlin’. I got you. You’re okay.”

“I thought I lost you,” Steve mumbled into his shoulder. “When they came back , and Nat was injured, and you weren’t—you weren’t—”

“I know. I’m sorry.” Bucky rubbed his back in what he hoped was a soothing manner. “But I’m okay. I came back, Steve. I came back to you.”

Behind him, Rocket said something in a sarcastic tone that probably meant it was directed at him. He turned his head enough to look over at the raccoonoid.

“What was that?”

Rocket crossed his arms, but his whiskers were twitching in what Bucky was pretty sure was a grin. “I said, it takes one to know one, buster.”

Bucky patted Steve’s hair, noticing that Groot’s— tendrils? Vines? Appendages—were still wrapped firmly around Rocket. Something was expanding in his chest, a great, light pressure like a balloon, filling his lungs and heart and buoying him up. It took a moment to recognize the feeling ashappiness.

“Yeah,” he said, smiling. “Yeah, it does.”

THE END

[writeroffanfiction]

Protagionist Prep Ch 7 A.I think this was a bad idea

I own nothing but my own characters.

Inside the school Tech had a multitude of holographic screens either floating in front of him or projecting from all four of his arms. He kept on mumbling to himself about processors, reaction time and memory storage. He was brought out of his task when he heard a loud bang, Tech nearly jumped and nearly fluffed up his feathers.

“Sweet microchips!!! Ghost how many times have I told not to sneak up behind me!?!” Tech yelled at a 12 ft tall two armed lizard like creature with khaki scales, green skin possessing a long spike covered tail. The creature just smirked.

“Relax Pajarito I got the thing you wanted.” Ghost pointed to a large sliver grey coffin shaped object, Tech just smiled crazily while Ghost just looked at him with worry.

“You sure jefe will like this?”

“Relax he’ll enjoy this one, they can’t all go rogue.” Tech told him, his voice a mix of confidence and unease. In the morning Behemoth gently stomped towards the student and tapped the wall in his order, then the wall folded in on itself to a 20-ft. tall hole. He then dropped to all fours and crawled through the hole into a larger student area, he walked over to the boys dorm. After thinking about how to gently knock on the door, after he was done he lightly tapped the door. Which caused the door to fall with a booming thud, causing the boys to wake up with a jolt.

“I’m terribly sorry for the rude awakening!!!” Behemoth apologized quite loudly destroying any chance of the boys going back to sleep.

“It’s okay dude.” Nino said trying to calm the gentle giant.

“Yeah, just try to knock lightly.” Steven suggested, unaware that Behemoth tried to do that.

“Anyways can one of you awaken the girls?” Behemoth asked them, which caused some confusion from the boys.

“Why can’t you do it, you primitive beast!?” Zim asked his voice full of annoyance at Behemoth waking him and at the loud noises he created. Behemoth had to force himself not to growl at the small, squishy alien.

“No I cannot, it is ungentlemanly and therefore I cannot do it. However, thank you for Zim for volunteering for the task.” Behemoth told Zim, while Zim would normally try and destroy anyone who embarrassed him, but he knew what an E class threat could do. After a few complaints, and slaps to Zim’s face, the girls reluctantly got out of bed and changed their clothes.

“Now we must hurry, this day shall be an interesting one.” The kids begrudgingly followed Behemoth out the student are and into the hallway. After a short walk they stopped at a huge door with two strange beasts locked in combat.

“Where are all these doors coming from!?” Dib asked his voice a mix of confusion and anger, instead of answering Behemoth just gently pushed open the door. Inside was huge gym like area with Tech, Zizzoro and Drooler standing in the middle of it. “All right do you kids have your wills written for your family?”  The kids were afraid and shocked not only at the fact that Zizzoro spoke, as well as the fact they needed to make a will.

“W..wh.. Why?” Connie asked her voice shaking a little bit.

“Because it’s time for gym class.” The class let out a collective sigh of relief and their hearts start to beat again. Zizzoro just received a tail smack from an annoyed Drooler.

“Ignoring that, today we’ll be testing your combat skills. As soon as Tech gets the holodome up!” Drooler explained to the kids and sent a small glare to the archaeopteryx like creature.

“Actually sir, I have something better than an old holodome system.” Drooler’s inner alarm system began to go off, but before he could do anything Tech quickly activated the holoscreens on his upper forearms and then typed in a sequence of codes. After he did the floor in front of the teachers opened. From the chasm a platform rose and on the platform was something amazing, on it was a 8ft tall humanoid robot with three dark green eyes, two arms and it a metallic skin like covering it’s wires and such.

“I would like to introduce all of you to Combat!” The kids looked at the robot in amazement, except for Zim who was a little jealous.

“Cool, Peridot would be so jealous!” Steven looked at the robot with literal stars in his eyes.

“This Peridot should be, this little baby holds over 500 different types of fighting styles, point out weaknesses and flaws in its opponents fighting style and it copy them as well! Hey, wait why do have stars in your eyes, do you have a medical problem, do I have to get you medical treatment!!??” Tech both told Steven and worried for the small star child. Meanwhile Drooler was trying to keep himself from turning the robot into a puddle and singe Tech’s feathers.

“Tech what in Crogars name were you thinking!!?!?” Drooler almost roared his voice filled with anger at Tech and worry for what could happen to the kids.

“Sir this robot could help us train them faster and looks awesome.” Tech answered with confidence, however this did to calm the flames of Drooler’s anger.

“I didn’t ask for awesome I asked for safe!!” Drooler retorted his markings glowing and small fires started to ignite, while Tech’s feathers started to fluff up.

“Sir this machine is perfectly safe, the metal skin Qavium.” Tech told Drooled, however this did little to actually calm down the freaked-out fire being.

“Safe, okay Tech listen to this Qavium fist plus a squishy mortal----”

“Some squisher than others!” Zima taunted the girls that were affected by the growth potion. “First off Zim detention, and second off body equals a dead mortal!!!” At this Tech faltered, he opened his beak to retort but nothing came out. But he knew of one thing that could change the fire beings mind.

“Too bad because it could help you with that project that you’ve been having trouble with.” This caused Drooler’s face do gain an ‘oh really’ look.

“Yeah, it has all the files on the topic and a bit extra as well.” At this statement Drooler started to get a little bit an interest in the robot. Tech noticed this and knew that there was one thing that would sink him into the idea.

“Also, it has the newest edition downloaded into its database and the pronunciation guide as well.” You could see the conflict on Drooler’s face, he was going over every scenario that could happen but he needed help with his project. After a few minutes of silence Drooler made his decision.

“Fine I’ll let you try out this robot, but Behemoth!!!” Drooled yelled towards the massive being, who was almost out of the door and he wore a nervous smile.

“Yes sir?” His normally calm voice sounding slightly nervous.

“I’m going to need ya to stay, in case of crap hitting the fan.”

“Sir if I may between you, Zizzoro and Tech I believe that you have enough firepower already.” Drooler just deadpanned at Behemoth’s response.

“Okay, first off not funny and second off this is a Tech robot which means that we means we have to be prepared. Besides you probably won’t have to get too violent.” Drooler told him, Behemoth reluctantly stomped over towards the other teachers and sat down next to them. “Okay, who wants to go first?” Drooler asked. The results were mixed the fighters or the more athletic of the students such Sashi, Penn, Star, Marco, Marinette, Adrien, and Connie lasted about 2 ½ minutes with the mechanical martial artist. The others well they tried they really did, but things started to take a turn for the worst/deadly when Steven was up. As soon Steven threw the first punch Combat went all out on the poor half gem, Combot rushed towards Steven faster than a bullet and delivered an extremely pain right hook. This caused Steven to skid across the floor.

“Ow, hey that really hurt!!” Steven whined but Combat wasn’t going to let Steven off that easily, it closed the distance quickly and began to deliver a flurry of punches, kicks, elbows and knees to the young half alien. At this moment Steven decided to summon his shield, somehow this caused Combot to go haywire. It turned into a ferocious mechanical beast that was hell bent on destroying the obstacle that was between it and the target. It then slammed both of its fists against the shield, this caused a shockwave that caused Combot to slide across the floor. Combot didn’t try to close the distance this time, which caused the kids to let out a sigh of relief but the teachers just looked at the robot suspiciously.

Combot’s eyes began to glow a sickly green and the air became slightly distorted. Then a beam was fired from his eyes and hit the shield, that caused Steven to slide luckily the shield held. Unfortunately that comfort wouldn’t last long, various sized cracks started to appear on the shield and Steven started to feel the heat from the beam. Then something impossible happened the shield broke scattering into hundreds different pieces and then turned into a glittering pink dust.

“Tech shut it off!!!!” Drooler roared

“Sir believe me I’m trying!!!!!” Tech squawked back his fully ruffled, he then went back to trying shutdown the rouge robot but kept on getting a rejected sign. While that was happening Combot was stomping closer towards the young half alien, when it was less than two feet away it grabbed Steven by his collar and pulled him up to its face and whispered.

“Get good scrub.” It then pulled back its arm and was prepared to punch Steven directly in the face full force, Steven closed his eyes not wanting to see his doom coming towards him. Instead of feeling and hearing  his face being broken in half, Steven heard gears straining, metal being crushed and he smelled smoke coming from somewhere. Steven opened his eyes to see something both amazing and terrifying at the same time, the being that saved him was Behemoth and he wasn’t a gentle giant. His face was contorted into a vicious, angry snarl showing his bright white teeth larger than a human, his pupils slits and he was letting out a deep rumbling growl. He ripped off Combot’s arm causing the robot to drop Steven as well as screech out in pain, it’s synthetized screams sounding like a mix of nails on a chalk board and sharpened metal against porcelain. Its cries were cut short as Behemoth delivered a huge green fist to its body crushing it, but that wasn’t enough as Behemoth gave the machine a flurry of punches shaking the very earth. When he was done he left a 5ft crater with Combat’s body crushed and its limbs twisted and broken. He turned towards Steven and began to stomp to him, each step shaking Stevens body and rattling his bones. Behemoth then lowered his right lower arm towards the young child, he slightly flinched at the action.

“Don’t fret young one I won’t harm you.”  Behemoth told him, Steven hesitantly limped on to the giant’s palm.

“You’re hurt.” Behemoth pointed out and he was right Steven had multiple bruises, cuts and his shield arm possessed a horrific burn with his skin varying colors of pink, red, and black with a two inch deep opening in the center of the burn.

“Oh, it’s nothing I can heal with my spit.” Steven told Behemoth trying to sound like a crystal gem.

“Maybe those minor wounds but that burn needs a more serious level of care, hold out your arm please.” Behemoth gently and politely  told Steven in a calming tone. As Steven did Behemoth’s left arm markings began to glow and a bluish silver began to appear and cling to his arm. Behemoth lifted his left arm and moved towards Steven he extended one of his fingers, and tried not to be scared of the man-sized steel colored claw in front of him, then the metal began to behave strangely.  It slithered across Behemoths arm and claw, it traveled down his claw and jumped of the end of the claw. It landed on Steven’s arm and began to wrap around his arm, at first he flinched at the cold feeling of the metal but as spread to the burn it felt cool, soothing and even caused some of the pain to fade away.He then, with Steven still in his palm, walked towards the rest of the kids and began to lead them back to the dorms. After they left Drooler stomped towards Tech and growled to him.

“I want that thing to melted down and turned into something useful.” Later that day, near midnight, Tech was working on Combot the latter on an examination table while Tech just mumbled to himself.

“I don’t get how did you go wrong? I did all the programming myself and even triple checked everything. He was brought out of it when he heard a voice.

“Self-repairs in progress, time till completion 23 hours 47 minutes and 52 seconds.” The voice was cold, hollow and metallic. Tech jumped in surprise and looked around for the source, his eyes locked on to the remains of Combot.  Cautiously he approached the robot remains.

“What the?”

“Time till completion 23 hours 46 minutes and 45 seconds.” Tech looked at it with a large amount of worry and fear.

“Okay didn’t give that feature. Probably time to start the melting process.” Tech walked towards the table to begin the process but one of Combot’s arms grabbed Tech’s throat and brought his face close to its head.

“I can’t let you do that Tech.” Combot then let out a full power optic blast to Tech’s face, letting him go flying through the air and onto equipment. While Tech was unconscious Tech’s severed arm crawled across the table and fell off the table to a huge door with 25 locks on it. Seeing how it would be nearly impossible to unlock the door in its current state, the arm turned its attention to 6 canvassed figures. The fingers on the arm split into two and began to hack into the figures as they began to glow a haunting yellow. Combot just tried to sickly smile and cackled.

“Time for those cheats to get reckt.”                                      

[iseas-blog]

Walking Battle Robots Guide Tips.

War Robots hilesi

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[terato-fuckor]

Slime and shapeshifter!

Shapeshifter- What physical traits do you tend to like in monsters? HOOH BOI tol, beefy monsters are my weakness, w fangs n claws n long tongues (i like masked characters too) im also good w fur,feathers, scales, whatever~ p much as long as theyre somewat humanoid, BIG, and have pointy bits then theres a good chance ill like em ;3

Slime- What kinds of monsters are off-the-table for you, or what monsters squick you out? It takes a LOT to squick me out, but usually body horror/gore based monsters arent attractive to me, plus insect based ones... i find it hard to be attracted to robots as well (there are always exceptions tho like ultron) OH and bestial/feral/non-sentient monsters

[ruffsficstuffplace]

Of Rocks, Romantic Rivalries, and Rune Rangers (Part 4): The Siren’s Song (Part 1)

It was pandemonium in one of Valentino's biggest beachfront districts, Zarkon's troops swarming all around the storefronts and the hotels, civilians, tourists, and military types alike escaping through the streets, or out to sea.

The Armed Forces of Avalon set up barricades and helped evacuate the area, but against the vastly better armed Galra Empire, they could only wait, pray for help to arrive, and hope no one was still trapped inside.

Atop one of the tallest roofs, Haggar's latest Robeast loomed, a bizarre, humanoid creature that looked like a mix of a fish and a human woman, too alien and inelegantly-designed to be Fae.

“That's right, everyone! Run! Run from my super scary troops!” she cried. “This city is under Galra control now and I, Mero, am going to be the one ruling it, okay?!”

Through the psychic link to Galra's headquarters, Zarkon noisily cleared his throat.

Mero groaned. “Okay, alright, fine! Emperor Zarkon is going to be ruling it, but I'm like, gonna be the branch manager or something! So bow down and respect me, peons!”

“Sorry, your highness, but looks like your reign's going to end before it even starts!” Lance cried.

Mero scowled as she noticed six familiar figures standing in the deserted boardwalk. “Ugh!” she cried. “Can't you guys just NOT show up and totally ruin Emperor Zarkon's plans for once?!”

Keith laughed. “Yeah… that's not happening.”

As one, they thrust their hands through the air and raised their runes to the sky, the carved gems glimmering in the afternoon sun.

“Strength of the Suns!” / “Light of the Moons!”

The Rune Rangers' and Allura's bodies glowed with their respective colours, so radiant they blinded and warded off the Galra footsoldiers around them until they exploded in a brilliant shower of light. Now in their armour, they got into their respective poses and cried:

“Defenders of Avalon! Rune Rangers, Celestial Guard!”

Boom.

Multicoloured pillars of smoke erupted from behind them.

Mero groaned. “Are you done?! Have you done your whole bit now, complete with your stupid catchphrases?!”

Their runes transformed into their weapons, and they held them at the ready. In Shiro's case, he socketed it into his prosthetic arm, the magic holding it together now glowing a brilliant crimson and purple.

“Yes,” Shiro replied.

Mero harrumphed. “Good! Minions: ATTACK! And don't suck so much this time!”

The Galra attacked, a horde of swordsmen, riflemen, and hulking brutes with shields and maces.

Shiro held thrust out his prosthetic arm. “Keith, Allura, Pidge, with me: we're cutting a path to the Robeast!”

“My name is Mero, you doucheschnozzles!”

Shiro ignored her. “Lance, Hunk: fire support! Focus on the shooters!

“Celestial Guard: CHARGE!”

The Rune Rangers and the Galra Forces clashed, the air ringing with the sounds of gunfire and violence as the robotic minions were slashed to pieces, crushed to bits, or left staring at the new holes in their bodies before they collapsed, inactive.

“This is way too easy!” Keith cried as he blocked a Galra trooper's mace with his shield. “You guys having an off-day?!” he cried as he retaliated with an upwards slash across its chest.

Shiro thrust his prosthetic arm into the trooper's chest before the metal could mend itself. “Don't tempt fate! It never ends well!” he cried as he ripped out its power core, then threw it at the minions further up.

Boom.

Mero shielded her eyes with a webbed fin-hand as a good chunk of her forces were wiped out or severely damaged. “Too late, Rune Jerkbags!” she cried as she lowered her arm. “Behold: my super awesome secret weapon!” she proudly raised her head and breathe in deep.

Pidge shocked a swordsman with her katar, Allura smashed its head in with her staff while it was defenseless. The two of them plus Shiro turned to Keith, opened the visors of their helmets, and glared at him.

Keith raised his hand and sword in apology. “Sorry.”

Mero let out a powerful, ear-piercing screech, waves of magic erupting from her body and spreading all around the beach. The Rune Rangers all fell to their knees and clutched their heads, her “song” ringing in their heads, getting even more agonizing and out-of tune as it went on.

Not even her own troops were immune, all of them spitting out error messages and jerking around as their auditory sensors were overloaded.

Then, it stopped, and faded away into nothing.

The Rune Rangers groaned and shook their heads; they looked around, saw the Galra troopers still stunned and recovering.

“Hah!” Lance said as he held up his rifle. “Is that your 'super awesome secret weapon'? A stun wave that affects your own guys? Lame!”

“Hmph!” Mero crossed her arms. “Look again, doucheschnozzle, because I turned one of you to my side!”

The Rangers frantically looked around, until they saw Pidge still on her knees.

Lance sighed in relief, and lowered his gun. “Oh, great! It's just Pidge—I was worried for a moment there!”

Pidge got up, turned around, and shot her grappling hook onto Lance's chest.

By the time he realized what had happened, she was already zipping towards him.

Pidge crashed into Lance's chest feet first, knocking him flat on his back. He tried to grab her and throw her off, she was already plunging her katar into him.

Lance screamed as hundreds of volts of electricity were pumped into his body.

“HUNK!” Shiro cried as he, Keith, and Allura fended off the fully-recovered Galra. “GET HER OFF!”

Hunk yelped and aimed his cannon at Pidge.

She snapped her face to him, opened her visor and showed him her amber eyes, now glowing an ominous shade of purple.

“HUNK!”

Hunk whimpered, then clumsily swung his cannon at Pidge.

She jumped up, easily dodging his attack; she launched off him, and back into the fray with the others.

Hunk staggered back in surprise. He watched her somersaulting and scampering between the Galra's legs and the space in between them, the troopers ignoring her completely as she crept up behind Allura, Shiro, and Keith.

“GUYS! BEHIND YOU!” he cried as he aimed his cannon at the Galra.

Keith slashed a trooper in front of him, destroying it. He turned around, just in time to see Pidge crouching in front of him, before she sprang up and slashed a line up his chest.

“AGH!”

Pidge somersaulted through the air and behind them, Allura and Shiro stared in horror as the Galra quickly swarmed in front of her to protect her.

“Retreat!” Shiro cried as he and Allura carried Keith between them as they ran back.

Hunk covered their escape, Lance lay on the ground, unmoving.

Up on the roof, Mero stared. “Oh, wow… this is like, going way better than I expected it to...”

“Indeed...” Haggar hummed through the psychic link. “To turn the Emerald Ranger against her comrades was a move even I did not think of! Perhaps I should base all my future Robeasts off you, to ensure power and cunning...”

Mero looked nervous. “Okay, so like... before you go poking into my brain, and stuff, I just choose the green one like, at random? I didn't know this was all going to happen, you know…?”

Haggar sighed heavily. “Of course...”

“Shiro!” Hunk cried as they stood around Lance. “What do we do?”

Shiro gritted his teeth. “Let me think...”

“Minions!” Pidge cried as she raised her arm. “Attack the blue one! Finish him off, then get the rest! I don't care how many of you fall, just do it!”

The Galra Troopers all looked at each other in confusion, before they shrugged, and attacked.

“Hey!” Mero cried. “I'm the one in charge here!”

Pidge opened her visor to glare at her. “Oh, I'm sorry: do you want to actually win this fight or no?!”

Mero reeled. “… Gosh, no need to be a bitch about it!” she turned to the Galra. “Minions! Do what she says, I guess...!”

The rangers stared at the incoming swarm in horror, before they raised their weapons.

Hunk began to take potshots at the swarming Galra. “Shiro...?! What do we do?!”

“Keith: get Lance somewhere safe! Hunk: fend off those Galra! Allura, with me: we're taking out Mero and getting Pidge back!

“GO!”

Keith threw Lance over his shoulder and ran into the nearby streets, Allura and Shiro charged straight into the horde.

Some of the Galra slowed down, preparing to engage them.

“Keep going!” Pidge cried. “Ignore them: get the Blue one! We may lose this battle, but watch them crumble when one of them dies!”

“Sweet Shepherd, Pidge!” Keith cried as he laid Lance against the side of a building. “Who's side are you on?!”

“Not yours!” she shouted back through their helmets.

Lance groaned in pain.

Keith's eyes widened as he knelt down beside him, grabbed him by the shoulders. "Lance? Lance!" he cried as he shook him. "Don't die on me now, man, we're going to make it through this like we always do!"

Lance coughed. "Pidge... get Pidge...! I need Pidge!"

"Uh, newsflash for ya: she's still brainwashed and crazy! She's the one that stabbed you, for fuck's sake!"

"I know. I want her to stab me again."

Keith groaned and dropped Lance.

“Ow! Come on, man, I'm dying over here!”

“Well bleed out with your head down!” Keith said as he turned around and readied his sword—the swarms of Galra had gotten too close for Hunk's comfort, and he was now running as fast as he could to them.

Meanwhile, Shiro and Allura raised their suits' grappling hooks to the rooftop Mero was standing on. They were about to fire, when an EMP exploded and shorted out their gear. They turned their heads to Pidge, standing nearby with her finger still on the “gadget-panel” of her gauntlet.

They couldn't see her smug smirk for the designs of their helmets, but they could just tell.

They readied their weapons.

“Stand down, Pidge!” Shiro called out. “We don't want to hurt you!”

Pidge laughed. “Oh, I know—which is why you're all going to lose,” she growled as she crouched low, her dagger held at the ready.

Allura stepped forward. “I'll handle her—your reflexes may be good for a human, but you're no match for a Fae, however skilled.”

Shiro nodded, and looked up at Mero. “Guess I'm going up the old-fashioned way…!” he cried as he charged into the nearest building, breaking through the doors and running towards the nearest set of stairs.

Pidge turned around and tried to fire her grappling hook at his leg, before her ears twitched. She ducked just as Allura's staff came swinging past her head. She retaliated with a dagger thrust, one Allura just barely dodged herself.

“Snap out of it, Pidge!” Allura cried as they began to fight, dodging and dancing around each other, their attacks just barely missing one another. “I really don't want to hurt you!”

Pidge jumped back, somersaulting through the air and landing on all fours. “Good, because that works out great for me!” she yelled as she pounced.

From above, Mero watched as Allura barely blocked Pidge with her staff, former staggering back as she tried to stab and slash her with her dagger. “Uh… like, do you need any help or something...?”

“I'VE GOT THIS!” Pidge yelled.

“Are you sure?” Mero asked. “It kinda looks like you're losing down there, and those guys at the back are having a really hard time!”

“JUST SHUT UP, AND LET ME DO MY THING!”

Mero gasped, before she scowled. “Rude! Who does that little twerp think she is?”

“Someone vastly more effective than you have been so far...” Haggar hummed.

Mero gasped in offense. “Excuse me? Whose side are you on?!”

“Whoever is the strongest and most cunning...” Haggar replied, watching the duel between Pidge and Allura with interest.

Inside the building, Shiro pounded up the stairs, taking them two steps at a time before he burst through a door leading out to the roof. He looked around, cried in frustration as he realized he had ended up behind and several stories below Mero.

Then, his suit's gadgets hummed back to life. He grinned as he fired his grappling hook to just below the roof Mero was on and began to rocket up towards her.

In the back-lines, the other rangers were backed into a corner, Keith desperately holding his shield up to block a constant rain of blows and bullets, while Lance and Hunk blindly fired into the swarm—wherever they pointed, they were going to hit a Galra.

“Guys, we've got Pidge back, right?!” Keith cried. “'Cause we're not going to last much longer back here!”

“I'm afraid”--Allura ducked--”that she's going to have to”--she somersaulted backwards, avoiding a furious series of slashes from Pidge--”sit this one out!”

She swung for Pidge's head, one end of her staff connecting with her helmet.

Crack!

Pidge flew off, flying off to the side and into a bench. The wood broke apart on impact, Pidge lay in the wreckage, groaning in pain.

Allura stared in horror. “PIDGE!” she cried as she rushed over to her. “Oh Eluna, are you alright?!”

Pidge groaned and slowly raised her head. “Ugh…! What happened…?” she muttered.

“You were under the spell of that horrid wench Mero,” Allura replied as she grabbed her hand and pulled her up. “Thankfully, I seem to have knocked you out of it!”

Pidge's visor opened, revealing glimmering purple eyes. “Actually: you didn't.”

Faster than Allura could react, she thrust her dagger into her chest.

At the same time, Shiro tackled Mero from behind, wrapping his arms around her as they flew off the roof and headed straight for the ground.

Allura collapsed, twitching as stray sparks fell from Pidge's dagger.

She chuckled as she stepped around her. “Too easy...” she hummed as she looked at the concentration of Galra in the distance.

Her ears twitched as she heard something very large falling through the air, very fast.

Pidge looked up, her eyes widening as she just barely avoided getting crushed by Mero and Shiro.

Thud.

Mero's impact broke the pavement and the mind control.

Pidge blinked, her eyes growing wide in horror as everything that had just happened came flashing through her mind. She looked at Shiro, pushing himself up from Mero, at Allura, writhing on the floor, then back at the swarms of Galra overwhelming the others.

She rushed back to Allura, picked her up and held her dagger to her neck. “MINIONS! RANGERS! EVERYONE! STOP!”

Keith's shield broke, bullets and strikes struck him unimpeded. He was about to slash with his sword for his final stand, when Pidge's face with her now-normal eyes showed up inside all the rangers' helmets, invisible to the enemy.

Confused, the Galra Troopers stopped attacking, though they didn't let their guard down, still aiming their guns at the others and holding their melee weapons at the ready.

“I suggest you rangers surrender now,” Pidge growled. “I'm sure we can all see that you've lost this battle, and all that you can really change is how quick and painless you want your deaths to be.”

Mero threw Shiro off of her, and brushed off stray bits of cracked concrete off her body. “Alright, go Green Girl!”

“Shut up! Gah, I can feel my brain cells dying every time you open your mouth!”

Mero scowled and crossed her arms. “Hmph!”

“Minions: bring the other rangers back to me. I want them all to see each other one last time, before I end them.”

“Do it...” Allura muttered, feigning hopelessness.

“And make it quick, minions!” Mero added. “We've got a LOT of things to do when I take over this city!”

Haggar frowned. “Something's up.”

“No worries, Boss, I got this!” Mero said.

Haggar was about to speak up, before Zarkon stopped her. “Let her be...” he hummed.

The Galra minions marched Keith and Hunk back to Pidge at gunpoint, while Lance was unceremoniously thrown over the shoulder of one of the giants.

“Agh! Hey! I'm pretty sure I've got cracked ribs or something here, be more gentle, will you?!”

The Galra ignored him.

Soon, the Rangers were all pilled up by Pidge's feet, their heads hung in defeat and their weapons laying abandoned on the ground.

“So like, this is it, right?” Mero asked. “We win and I get to totally take over this city?”

“Oh, Valentino's going to be part of the Galra Empire alright—just not with you ruling over it,” Pidge replied calmly.

Mero grinned, before she realized just what she had said. “Wait, what…?” she asked, her face falling. “You're on my side, aren't you? I mean hello, we're all Galra here!”

“Not anymore you're not...” Pidge muttered as she raised her hand. “Minions! Prepare to get rid of this sorry excuse for a Robeast!”

Mero looked at her in disbelief, before she stared in horror at the Galra troops aiming their guns at her, coming in closer with their weapons at the ready. “Boss? Lady Haggar?! Emperor Zarkon! You're not going to let her do this, are you?!”

Haggar huffed. “You've 'got this,' don't you…?”

Mero's eyes widened as the Galra formed a circle around her.

Pidge stepped back closer to the others. “Before you all fire and destroy Mero over there, I'd just like to say:

“Thanks for falling into my trap!”

Pidge blasted out a wave of healing energy, bringing all the rangers back up to their feet.

The Galra and Mero couldn't see her smug grin, but they could just tell.