#plus it's not just the knowledge that she's drinking blood it's the guilt of hurting someone even if she was encouraged/forced

[quietlyblooms]

chiyo's about to feel so gross in this reply and i don't mean in the spicy way

[i-love-hobbies]

Eda's reckless behaviour and overall mental health

Summary

Eda is a genius, but is very emotional when making decisions (not anger, but fear, stress ect.)

Her reckless behaviour and apple blood problem in my opinion are her ways of running from reality.

In season 1 she made a bit of progress on this issue. Then the finale happened. Then she made again progress and s2ep7 did a complete reset. And she is making progress now again.

Eda's intelligence

She's been a criminal for thirty years. She has been in the shady business for an extremely long time. Yes magic definitely helps but you also have to find a way to be on top of the game, so you can survive.

Remember Tibbles' shrinking potion. She can't really use a lot of magic if she is shrinked or poisoned and dead, can she? Not to talk about her enemies which you'd think would attack her now that she is magicless.

They haven't on screen, yet. The only ones that tried are Adegast and Tibbles and they both died without her using any magic (or close to nothing).

Now we know that she doesn't make plans a lot on screen. In s2ep3 especially she just let's Luz make the plan but that's because she is her mentor.

In s2ep6 Luz used sleeping needles which is wild magic so no, it's not knowledge coming from Hexside. Also the pickpocketing Luz mentioned.

Teachers don't do the tests instead of students.

She teaches her everything that isn't glyphs. I wouldn't be surprised if she has told stories to Luz about her best "outsmarting everyone in the room" moments.

Now we have seen some of her problem solving on screen. One of which was in ep.18 fight only using her channelled magic trough the staff (im not taking credit for noticing this, have no idea who did though) and used the bridge.

Also if she can telepathically talk to her staff. Owlbert saving Luz was probably her idea.

She had her impact on Raine's rebellion as well, without having magic or turning into a harpy.

"You are not our mom!"

"Wow, we actually helped people this time!"

"Bye, mommy Eda!"

In the back of her head she knows exactly what to do, everytime something happens.

Eda's mental health

Eda's curse and the nightmares it causes. The father incident. The fact that she probably thought Lilith was scared of her.

Lilith's hidden guilt and her taking her father's eye out don't mix well together. I wouldn't be surprised if they barely spoke even if they lived in a house together.

Her losing Raine.

Her faith in the emporer being broken.

She has seen a lot of death, that does impact people.

Season 1

At the beginning of the series she was making a lot of bad choices which don't aline with her experience.

The series starts with her getting caught by Warden Wrath. Instead of just sneaking, they were just walking comfortably in the corridors.

They are kids, one from another dimension, but her... She doesn't know better? And for a paper crown that she can replace by stealing from someone else.

Next episode we are introduced to her morning drink later on confirmed to be for adults only. And that drink didn't get a mention for the rest of the season. In that episode she is also not the most clear-headed. She didn't try to sneak, she didn't use potions. Didn't try to plan.

A list about her being impatient can go on and on.

So when does she think. When she realises it's dangerous (aka when it's right in her face). Literally in the first episode the moment she started doing stuff is when she got caught and spat on the warden's face.

In episode 2 she didn't do that because she didn't know if Luz was alive and had a hard time bottling her feelings. Like if Luz proved to him to be hard to keep tight up he could have killed her, the girl that came back for her and her son yesterday. And she proved to Eda that she is a little dangerous the previous episode with her fireworks.

Eda was rational again, after she was with both King and Luz.

As the series went on though she started to calm down a bit.

Firstly, the fact that she was so focused on fixing her card problem, after Tibbles scammed her, that she trew them away in another dimension.

I was wondering how she overcame it so quickly.

It also shows her knowledge of how to handle this type of problems which brings up a question. How did she learn it?

Secondly let's compare the first half of the season to the second.

1. Everything I already pointed out and was hiding the curse. The stuff that happened in ep.5. Her refusal to be parental in ep.7. Body swapped.

2. She gets scammed again (this time though, how do you expect that someone was digging their own grave). Didn't use a sleeping spell on the slitherbeast immediately instead was just standing there. Got caught by the fun police. Worsened King's stage fright.

In ep.15 because of her ignorance Luz and Amity almost die. Except that is not the full story. She had at this point a lot of faith in Luz and this was her friend's mind.

For Amity it's not that she hated her. Amity actually saved her in ep.12. It's because she wasn't that important for her to realise. "Omg Willow is at the very least extremely mad at her."

It's again a refusal to think, but for a stranger and not really on purpose. It was just a habit of hers.

Episode 18 and 19

At the beginning of the episode. Eda hid the curse, again.

When she learned that Lilith had kidnapped Luz. She didn't try to make a plan. She just revealed herself in all her glory while her magic was disappearing.

Shot the staff in a wall while she was having no idea, what that was supposed to accomplish.

Luz showed up and she finally started thinking.

Afterwards Lilith said we all know what and for the first time Eda's anger was the leader of her choices and Luz almost fell on to the spikes.

So then, for the very least a night, she was stuck in her mind with something, that was chasing her. She woke up to Emporer Baby the B*tch, who was telling her, he was about to go after Luz.

And no she didn't believe in Lilith, but was so overwhelmed. It was insane. So she begged. After some more running, she woke up to Luz in the Comformatoriam.

Next, she was about to get petrified and for awhile this was the calmest things have been since she got caught. Then Lilith shows up (ah yes she existed).

King jumped "She was trying to help!". Wait King was there.

Petrification beam go.

PURE PAIN!

Then she got the idea for all of them to fly away. Lilith shared the curse making the confusion even bigger. Then her magic is gone (that was a thing). She learned that the portal is destroyed. Now she was living with Lilith and might have starved to death with everyone else in the house.

After all of this she not only tried but HAD TO pretend that she was mentally stable, so they could survive this mess.

Season 2A

In episode 1 she told Luz not to go after big bounties and then tried to steal from a coven's ship.

At this point her emotions are the only thing that made decisions while they were also getting hidden. Don't get me wrong she did help and should, especially Luz but it's ALL feelings. She didn't think about consequences, which sometimes are good.

She didn't attack Lilith cause it's just not the time, she's scared from her own anger. Plus she can't really stand being with the roller coaster of emotions, that came with being in one room with her.

This didn't mean she didn't work with her and hadn't listened to the backstory, though.

The episode ends with her and everyone else not being close to dieing. Finally!

So now what? She tried to think about Lilith? Yeah, she probably preferred not to.

Then her glyph almost kills King, but Lilith showed up and helped. This is probably a familiarity she missed. So again she decided not to process it, but it definitely sticks.

She also didn't notice Luz being hurt.

Next episode, we saw Eda taking a shower which means she has healthy coping mechanisms, at least one, self-care and is not yet a workaholic.

Luz's apple blood joke is concerning.

After the events of episode 3. Luz probably told her that Lilith stayed with her and King, instead of just leaving them, get killed by Jean-Luc.

Then Eda still isn't certain where she stands about everything and Lilith just left, with her final act being, giving King mental issues.

Throughout this whole thing her mom was there with her cures/annual accidental attempt to kill her favourite daughter.

In this episode, Eda fell for apple blood signs. Rationality is out of the window.

In ep.6 she decided to help, with students getting palisman. Again not thinking about all the trauma, but finally doing something against her first instinct.

In ep.7 she heard King's "Le-" and refused to fully process, where the heck is he gonna go.

She also punched someone, cause this is gonna work?

Now she has reconnected with Raine having no idea should she even think of a romantic relationship again? And decided to be useful at least for something since she "can't raise kids".

She was helping and being very good at it, but it came from fear of loneliness.

Then she heard that Belos has a plan and just is overwhelmed. What if the kids get hurt, is she powerless?

Oh, look! Raine might be dead!

Next episode she overworked herself.

In between ep.8 and 9 she was trying to scare the beast into transforming. (She is losing her sanity. Literally the previous episode told her not to do that.)

In episode 9 again it's all emotional. She wants to feel better and be stronger, so she told King to blast her (almost blasting Amity), hit fool's blood even though Amity said the lake is further ahead.

Luckily she showed progress too.

She ate voles, which was against how she was feeling.

In ep.10 she was scared of letting Luz in the portal. I'm not saying she wouldn't have before, but I don't think it was easy.

Right now, after s2ep10, I think she isn't the most mentally stable. But she is definitely working on it.

[p1nkymilk]

PhuTian enemies to lovers AU part 2: The Wound

holy crap somehow i knocked out 3k words, this is extremely angsty and definitely OOC and hellla self-indulgent so proceed with caution hahaha

warning for spoilers, and mentions of wounds and blood but nothing too graphic

Once my AO3 acc gets created, I''ll post there too but till then its on here as well sdogbsdigbosid

note: in this AU, Tian did not own the car, and it wasn't his friend that killed Torfun. She died of a random car accident. And also, Tian knows of his father's involvement. Here, they had to strike a bargain such that Tian would only be allowed to leave if his father had eyes watching out for him there. Phupha is ordered to keep a close eye on Tian, but he only knows that Tian's health isn't that great. He thinks that the main reason that he has to escort Tian around is because Tian is rich and privileged. At this point, he only knows very vaguely about Tian's health problems so he doesn't take them seriously. Also warning Phupha is definitely acting like an ass, but he will redeem himself in later chapters

The next morning, Tian got up and stretched, sighing because of the ache of his back from the hard mattress. The hard mattress and the tiny teacher's house didn't bother him as much as the memories from last night. It wasn't that Tian was in love with the obstinate, cold chief by any stretch, but when he first arrived, he was so impressed with the chief, his dedication, his skill, and most of all, how much he truly cared for Pa Phun Dao and its people. He wanted to make a good impression on the Chief, but even with Tian trying his best, it wasn't possible. And it hurt just a bit more because the Chief was handsome, one of most handsome men that Tian had ever seen in his entire life.

Well, it's a good thing I'm not here to fall in love, Tian mused as he picked up his brush and toothpaste. For a second, he took a deep breath and stared at Torfun's old name tag, which flooded him both with guilt and strength. I'm here for you, Torfun. I need to go on. I need to finish what you have started. Although, I really don't know what you see in Phupha.

Tian went outside and brushed his teeth, and then went back in and changed his clothes to a fresh pair. There was a knock at the door. Tian quickly answered it, opening the bamboo door wide.

To his absolute and utter shock, it was Phupha, glowering like a raincloud, standing up straight in his forest ranger uniform, looking a bit like a Greek--er, Thai God in the morning sunlight.

"Chief, why are you here?" Tian asked, surprised, just managing to conceal the frown off of his face.

"I have to walk you down to the school. It's special orders, that's why a rich kid like you gets a chief to walk him down the fifteen minute walk," Phupha responded curtly.

Tian winced. He knew that his father was using his influence to make sure that Tian, with his fragile health, was protected in this physically taxing environment. It was the most he could do just to convince his father not to have another, more medically advanced teacher's house built for Tian to stay in.

"Okay," Tian responded quietly. "Let's get started then, the sooner that we leave, the sooner you can be finished of this chore with my subpar company."

Tian was hoping for a flicker of pity, something, from the ranger's eyes, but all he got was a steady glare of stone, and then Phupha started walking.

"Hey, slow down!" Tian said. "I can't keep up!"

Phupha rolled his eyes, and slowed down a little, but not enough.

Tian tried to make small talk throughout the walk, but Phupha never responded well, more than a few short words. He clearly did not want to continue the conversation. It didn't stop Tian from doing his best through the conversation, but Phupha was a wall that did not move an inch.

Phupha left Tian with the much friendlier Yod and went on to continue his duties with a nod towards Yod and nothing towards Tian.

Yod winced. "He's really not a bad guy. He'll take some time to warm up, but he has a good heart. In the meantime, Rang and I are here to support you! And Dr. Nam, he is a good guy as well." "Thank you so much sir," Tian said gratefully, his eyes full of warmth. Yod's heart softened for the young volunteer. He was a little privileged, sure, but it was clear that he was a good person. He made a note to speak to Phupha about going a little easier on this young man. It was already difficult for Pa Phun Dao to receive volunteer teachers, and no one should ever look a gift horse in the mouth.

Tian introduced himself to the kids in the school house, the boisterous boy Ayi, the curious Khaoneung, the quiet Inta, the inquisitive Meejoo and the sleepy looking Kalae.

"Your name is Tian? Like Seetian!" Meejoo exclaimed, grinning.

"Not quite--" Tian started, but was interrupted by Ayi saying "What are we going to do today Seetian?"

"Today...." Tian said, thinking for a while. "We are going to go on a field trip!"

"I don't know if it's a good idea," Yod said hesitantly.

Tian wanted to prove himself, he wanted to show the world (and himself) that he really could be a teacher who helped his students, even if he was just doing this for Torfun.

"Us teachers--we are showing our students how to understand the world, right? What is a better way than to immerse the students in it?"

"Alright, if you say so...I'll come with," Yod said. "Stick with me at all times!"

Tian flashed Yod an excited grin. "Thank you so much, sir! Come on, guys!"

The kids were bursting with excitement, just like Tian and Tul back in secondary school, the morning right before the field trip to the aquarium or science museum. Tian smiled. Some things are just universal.

The group set out together, and Tian pointed out the different colors of all of the items around them, teaching them how to say each one in English. Meejoo especially was drinking in the knowledge, her eyes bright.

They were walking across the bridge to go to the waterfall. Yod suddenly got a call on his walkie talkie that something urgent came up. Tian convinced Yod to let him take the kids, promising that they were safe in his care. Yod didn't look like he wanted to agree, but he nodded anyway and sprinted off.

Tian and the kids finally got to the waterfall, and they had fun splashing around and swimming. Tian taught them the names of all of all of the items in English, and taught them about the scientific properties of water. They were drying off and getting ready to walk back. Suddenly, Inta asked, "Where's Kalae?"

Tian looked around the shore but couldn't find him. Heart racing in alarm, he swept the water with his gaze and saw Kalae sitting on the ground in an outcrop of rocks in the water, clearly in pain and very scared.

"KALAE!" Tian shouted in alarm, and ran through the water, swimming through when it got deeper. He got to Kalae, thankfully, and clambered onto the rocks, lifting him up, and carrying him back through the water. When he got onto the rocks, he stumbled and skinned his knee, but he didn't care about that at all. All he cared about was getting Kalae to safety.

"AYI! GO GET HELP!" Tian yelled. "GET THE DOCTOR!" Ayi was the oldest, so he'd have the best chance of success. He nodded and sprinted off. Tian laid Kalae across the grass once they got back to the shore. Kalae had a bad injury on his shin, the skin split open with blood streaming down his leg. Not only was he wincing from pain, he also looked terrified at the amount of blood flowing from the wound.

Tian forced himself to stay calm. "Kalae, look at me. I want you to answer these math problems while we wait for help. What's 7 plus 5?"

Kalae struggled to even formulate the thought, but he eventually answered, "twelve..."

"Good job Kalae, good job, now--don't look down!-- tell me what's 13 plus 5?"

"Seetian, I don't feel good, it hurts, it hurts..." Kalae cried, his chubby cheeks wet with tears.

"I know, Kalae, and I am so sorry. For now, focus on me. Tell me what 13 plus 5 is."

"eight....teen..." Kalae said.

"Hey, Kalae, I'm here now, you'll be okay," a smooth, assured voice sounded from next to Tian. He turned and saw a man in a white coat with an honest looking face.

"I'm Dr. Nam," He said quickly as an aside to Tian. "You can step back now. I can take care of this."

Dr. Nam cleaned the wound, holding Kalae's hand through the sting of the antiseptic, and then securely wrapped a bandage around it. Kalae was then helped onto a stretcher, and Yod, who was manning the ambulance, drove him to the clinic with Dr. Nam right next to him.

Tian was, firstly, relieved that Kalae was going to be okay. But then, guilt and self-loathing hit him out of nowhere. All he could do was stand there, stare at the waterfall, his heart turning and turning inside him, making him feel nauseous with guilt. The wound on his knee from the rock hurt and stung, but he wasn't even focusing on that. Kalae got hurt way worse, and could have died because Tian didn't have an eye on him.

Phupha walked up to Tian, storms brewing in his eyes. Tian internally prepared himself for whatever hurtful thing Phupha was going to say. Even more, Tian didn't mind that Phupha was going to scold him, because he deserved it. His first day, and it was such a disaster. It honestly couldn't have gone worse.

"You should go back," Phupha said shortly. "Back to Bangkok. At least there, you will not hurt anyone else." After saying this, he didn't even look for Tian's reaction, just walked away.

Without even being conscious of it, Tian's eyes started to tear up. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he stood there, barely able to blink.

"Chief, that's too far," one of the other rangers called out, walking closer to Tian. "Hi, Tian, I'm Rang," he said in an even-toned, kindly voice. "I'm one of the other forest rangers stationed at Pa Phun Dao along with Chief, Yod and Dr. Nam who acts as the medic. It's true that you probably should have looked out better for the kids, but this was an accident that could happen to anyone. Please remember that. It could have happened to anyone. Even the chief."

"Thank you, sir," Tian responded mechanically, mustering up as genuine of a small smile he could for Rang.

Later that night, Tian was lying on his hard mattress again, still in the same drenched clothes earlier from that day, his knee throbbing. He couldn't stop thinking about his mistake, that resulted in Kalae getting hurt. He didn't even want to start to think about how everyone in the village would see him, with distrust, and the rangers just with a cold pity.

There was a knock on the door, suddenly jolting Tian from his thoughts. He slowly walked to the door, putting weight on his right food because his left leg was hurt, and opened it. Tian saw who was on the other side and groaned internally. He wasn't equipped to deal with anymore cruel words that day, even if he deserved them.

Phupha's eyes narrowed in distaste. Tian just stayed quiet.

"Meejoo told me that you got hurt. Why didn't you say anything?" Phupha said, surprising Tian. That was not what he was expecting.

Tian kept silent for a second as he tried to figure out what to respond. He wanted to say "because I didn't think you care," but he decided to be more mature and not cause more problems. "I didn't think it mattered, Chief," he responded, voice devoid of emotion.

"If the wound gets infected, my supervisor, who reports to your father, will kill me for messing with the son of an important government official." Phupha responded after a couple seconds of silence.

Tian winced internally. Somehow, without realizing it, he had hoped--a little, just for some kindness. He should have realized that it wouldn't come, not from him.

"Show me the wound," Phupha said. "I've brought antiseptic and bandages. I'll dress it."

Tian moved forward to try to roll his pant leg up, but suddenly the wound sang with pain and Tian tipped forward, right over the steps. He thought he would fall on the ground, but thankfully he was caught. Not so thankfully, it was by Phupha. For a short second, Tian's hazy brain forgot who it was that caught him. He felt so safe and secure in the strong embrace, his face cradled tight against Phupha's chest. But he realized that it was Phupha's chest, and he scrambled back instantly. Phupha's arms shot out to catch him, and Tian looked up into eyes that were flatly annoyed. "Relax. If you fall over again, that will just cause more wounds and more problems." Phupha guided Tian by the shoulders outside to the bench right under one of the orange lantern. His movements, although precise, clinical and clearly trying not to touch Tian more than he had to, were not rough.

The Chief reached over and rolled up Tian's left pant leg.

"How did you know the wound was there?" Tian asked, thunderstruck.

"That was the leg that buckled first," Phupha responded shortly, continuing to roll up the pant leg until he got to the wound. He took a quick breath in.

"Tian, this wound is pretty big. You need to be transparent about when you get hurt."

On a day when Tian was more well-rested and less emotionally wrecked, or a day where Phupha hadn't said cruel words beforehand, Tian would have been able to interpret that statement for what it was, a clinical concern. But to his exhausted brain, Phupha was somehow saying that not only was Tian selfish, he was also someone who was trying to cause problems by hiding things.

"Don't worry, Chief, if the wound gets infected I won't tell anyone, and definitely not my dad. That way, you won't have anything to worry about," Tian said back, his voice completely devoid of emotion.

Phupha looked up at Tian for a split second, and there was a flash--a milisecond flash-- of regret in his eyes.

"It's not just that, Tian. You're the teacher of this village. Your health is important," Phupha said, trying now, for some reason, Tian didn't know why, to sound more diplomatic.

"If it were up to you, I wouldn't be the teacher of the village starting tomorrow. But I'm not going to go back. I made a horrible mistake that resulted in one of the kids getting hurt badly. Tomorrow I will go and apologize to Kalae and his parents. But I am not going back. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I can't, I can't go back, I can't--" What started out as a measured and rational sentence was slowly unravelling into panic.

"Tian," Phupha said sternly. But Tian wasn't even listening. He was thinking about Torfun. He didn't deserve this heart of hers. She did. Not him. But he has ended up with it. That's why he needs to stay, that's why he needs to dedicate his life to Torfun, so he can do a pale imitation of whatever greatness she would have accomplished. Torfun would not have let a child get hurt. Tears started to stream down his face again.

"Tian!" Phupha said, louder this time. Tian snapped his head back down to Phupha, startled by the loud noise.

"Tian, I shouldn't have told you to go back. I apologize," Phupha said tersely, looking into Tian's wide, shocked, tear-filled eyes, and then studiously continuing to dab antiseptic onto Tian's leg. "I shouldn't have said that, alright? I'm sorry. So stop panicking. No one is going to make you go back." Phupha looked right into Tian's eyes, holding his gaze.

Tian just nodded, wiping his face with his sleeve and sniffling.

Phupha wrapped the bandage slowly and carefully around Tian's knee.

"Can you stand?" Phupha asked quietly. Tian nodded, and slowly got up. Phupha stood stock-still for a moment, and then moved slowly to help Tian. But Tian didn't want to lean against him. Tian just wanted to go to sleep. Tian wanted to be born with a healthy heart. Tian wanted to be someone else: someone strong, someone capable, who didn't let kids get hurt. Someone with a shine so golden it could compare to Torfun's. Someone so bright that Phupha wouldn't hesitate to treat them tenderly.

So Tian moved away from Phupha, the movement sudden and jarring. Phupha saw that, and then his eyes, so strangely open in the lamplight, closed up again and became the pools of black stone that they usually were. Tian moved back towards the house, his movements jerky, and he brushed past Phupha, his arm touching--for a milisecond--Phupha's arm. And that was all that was needed. For suddenly, Tian was catapulted into a memory again. Here, Memory-Phupha was the one who was crying. He was crying silently, his eyes closed shut, and Tian could feel his memory self wrapping his arms around Memory Phupha, and stroking his head softly. "It's okay, it's okay, mountain of mine, you're here with me now, I forgive you, it's alright, you're the only one for me, don't you know that, the apple of my eye? " And then memory Phupha didn't say anything at all, but cradled memory Tian to his chest. Memory Tian melted into the warmth. Memory Phupha used his hands to move Memory Tian half a foot away, scrutinizing his face, and then he tenderly wiped the tears from Memory Tian's face, that Tian hadn't even realized were falling while he was giving Memory Phupha that reassuring smile. And then memory Phupha kissed above the high points of memory Tian's cheekbones, right where the tears were falling previously, quickly in succession, but so, so tenderly. Tian sighed in relief, and the memory suddenly faded.

Phupha had the strangest look on his face. There was still refusal and anger, which hurt Tian's heart, but something else that frankly, Tian was too exhausted to figure out.

"Thank you for dressing my wound, Chief. Goodnight," Tian said politely but emotionlessly, struggling to get up the steps, but ultimately succeeding. Without turning around, he opened his door, closed it behind him, fell on top of his mattress, and instantly went to sleep.

[starblazerm31]

Gotta love tumblr mobile lol I’ll just resend the ask: how would the main 6 react to a werewolf Mc?

Heh...thank you so much. ^^;

For this one, we’re going to assume MC was bitten instead of born.  That way we can have some nice angst.

Main 6 with Werewolf MC

Asra

His world crashed around him the day you were bitten.  He was terrified that he would lose you again.

When you survived, he quickly realized that there was now another problem on his hands.  You would turn.

He did all the research he could as quickly as he could. Nadia gave him full access to the palace library.

He was relieved when he learned that a person could live with the curse, but it would be hard during the full moon.  To preserve your mind after your transformation, preparations had to be made.

On the night of the full moon, you were taken to a safe room.  Herbs and magical protections were all over the place.

Asra knew it would be extremely dangerous to stay there with you, but he wasn’t going to let you face this alone.

Your arms were chained to the floor for both your and Asra’s protection.  The chains were reinforced with strong magic.

The transformation was gruesome and painful for you.  But once it was over, you felt the primal mind that threatened to overtake you slip away.  The wards and herbs were working.

Asra approached you and stroked your fur, gazing into your lupine eyes.  You still felt all the love you had for him.

It’s settled.  This is your life from now on, but now you know it can be managed.  And Asra will be with you every step of the way.

Nadia

She stayed by your bedside while you recovered from your wounds.  She felt such guilt at not being there when it happened.

The best doctors in the land tended to you, and you quickly recovered.  So quickly that it was obvious what had happened.

Letters to all the magical universities were sent out.

All the silver in the palace was removed.

While many magicians were tasked at finding a cure for your curse, preparations were made for your inevitable transformation.

You begged Nadia to stay away from you when it happens.  She refused.

You had yourself bound and a muzzle strapped to your face.  You asked Nadia to wear as much silver jewelry as possible, just in case.

Your transformation drove her to tears.

The sound of her sobs brought your mind back from the dark hunger that ravaged it.

She cast the silver jewelry away and took you into her arms.  Your willpower and love for her would save you.

All you can do is wait for a possible solution to getting rid of the curse.  Until then, you have Nadia, and she is all you really need.

Julian

He absolutely lost it when you were bitten.  He wouldn’t let anyone else touch you.  He kept a constant vigil over you until you recovered.

He’d heard this story in many other lands that he’d traveled to.  He knew what was coming.

He gathered up Asra, and the two of them set to work.  While Asra prepared your safe room for your transformation, Julian set to work finding a cure.

In came the great Mazelinka.  She’s encountered this many times before.  It would be tricky getting all the ingredients, but she knew how to cure you.

On the night of the transformation, you are bound to the ground inside a magic circle.

It takes everything Julian has to keep his cool while you writhe and scream.

A special brew is poured into your maw.  Your vision clears and you see the doctor hovering over you.

You look at yourself in horror for a moment, but then the fur recedes, your bones pop back into place, and the curse dissolves in your blood.

He holds you like he’s never held you before.  He’s so glad that everyone was able to get you through this.

He makes the cure freely available at his clinic.  There is no way he’s not going to help others who have suffered like you have.  He even starts to research cures for vampirism.

Muriel

He was with you when you were bitten.  He tried to protect you, but the werewolf was extremely powerful.

He rushed you to the city, where Julian and Asra tended to you.

Asra had to tend to Muriel mostly since he was an absolute wreck.  Over and over he had to be told that it wasn’t his fault, that he tried his best to protect you.

When you recovered, Muriel hovered over you like a mother hen.  He refused to leave your side, even for a moment.

He and Asra set out to prepare for the full moon.  The transformation was inevitable.

A clearing in the forest was set up with various herbs and charms, mostly to keep you contained.

Much to your complete surprise, you suddenly found yourself able to communicate with Innana.  She told you how to keep your human mind after you turned.

Muriel is completely blindsided by this.  Turns out that lycanthropy is part of Innana’s bloodline.  Plus...she can talk???

The full moon comes, and you stand in the clearing.  Muriel and Innana stay with you, while Asra makes sure the containment charms stay strong while you change.

Your transformation is brutal, but Innana’s words in your mind keep you grounded through the pain.  Once it is over, you find yourself at eye level with Muriel for the first time.

He gazes at you in wonder, touching your fur and feeling the powerful Lycan musculature.  Other than your physical changes, your mind and personality feel completely intact.

This life change only means that full moons are a bother.  You have Muriel and Innana to keep you sane and content.  Plus, Innana now has a new wolf friend to run with during those nights.

Portia

Portia couldn’t believe the news that you were attacked and bitten.  She wanted to go after the beast so badly, to kill it for what it did to you.

Instead, she focuses on you and getting you well again.  Nadia helps her through this time.

Once you recover, you break down.  You know what is coming.  You know you could kill Portia when you transform.

She’s not going to let it get the both of you down.  By gosh, you two are going to make it through this.  What can we do?  The full moon is on its way.

She reads all the books on Lycanthropy she can get her hands on and gets some of the palace servants to help her look for answers.

You got set up for the full moon by choosing a spot in the gardens.  You make a circle of wolfsbane around a huge oak tree and have strong leather straps attached to the tree.

Some trusted palace guards are stationed nearby with silver swords.  Portia strongly disagrees with this, but you argue that you will be a dangerous threat.  If you hurt her, you won’t be able to live with yourself afterward.  The guards are necessary.

You are tied to the tree, and Portia waits safely outside the ring of wolfsbane.  You gaze at her as you feel your blood begin to burn inside you.

The pain was so intense, you don’t know how you kept conscious. But Portia’s face held your mind firm.

When the transformation was over, you kept expecting your mind to slip away.  While you felt new urges, your love for Portia kept them at bay.  They felt more like silly food cravings.

You let Portia carefully release you from your bindings.  Your huge clawed hands touched her face with such tenderness.  She nuzzled into you, telling you how beautiful you looked.

Full moons have now become some of the best cuddle nights.  Portia seems so small in your arms, but you know that she is the one who holds power over you.  As long as you have Portia, it doesn’t seem like such a curse after all.

Lucio

The werewolf who attacked you quickly found its head mounted on Lucio’s wall.  How. Dare. It.

No time was wasted.  While the best doctors treated your wounds, Lucio had couriers rush out to gather things he knew to aid with lycanthropy.

He’s surprisingly knowledgable on werewolves.  He encountered several in his mercenary days.  He just never bothered to help the werewolves he fought because he was getting paid to kill them.

Your days until the full moon are spent drinking potion after potion, foul-tasting medicine to weaken the curse.

You’ve never seen Lucio so completely focused on someone who wasn’t himself.  He is consumed with helping you through this and ridding you of this curse.

You will never be anyone’s prey.  You will never be afflicted again, not after what happened to you with the Red Plague.  Lucio will be damned if he allows you to suffer like that again.  Not while he can help you.

The final part of the cure has to be administered during the full moon.  The blood of the werewolf that attacked you.

You are chained to a wall in the dungeon with specially enchanted chains.  Lucio stays in the cell with you.

You lose yourself in this transformation.  But Lucio easily subdues you and pours the blood down your throat.

You wake up sore with a horrid metallic taste in your mouth, but completely human.  Lucio now knows that werewolves are a threat in Vesuvia, but instead of ordering their extermination, efforts are made to cure every werewolf captured in and around the city.

[ramblingsandruminations]

When Suicidal Ideation is the norm

All the help in the world becomes a muddy puddle of shitty affirmations, thorned gaslighting, and useless guilt. If one more person tells me "have you tried yoga/deepbreaths/vitamin B..." Ugh. Who am i kidding? This is tumblr, where you can always find somone who says exactly what you are thinking ( #omgmetho #datme #meirl ). Weve all heard the "stop giving advice and atart taking it " speech, we're all likely to have read some post about the "evils" and " abuses" of therapy and inpatient treatment, and I'll bet a paper hat, some vending machine doodad, or some shitty-yet-adorably-hipsterly prize that within 100 reblogs someone links to some news article about "Queer Youth Completes Suicide And We Think You Will Pay Us to Feel Bad About It, Don't Forget To Like, Share, and Subscribe to Trevor Project, Your Reblog Will Save A Life (And Keep Us Relevant For Our Advertisers)." Tomorrow(well, next daylight hours) my 26-year-old depressed college freshman self is going to walk into my schools coubseling office and tell them i never recieved the location for the therapist they reffered me to (true story--Honestly not avoiding treatmwnt, even if it is useless) and request a second referral. Ill sit through some lecture about self-advocacy veiled in "concerned questions" and once again be misgendered, deadnamed, and criticized for giving a fuck (note: commenters looking to describe me with the word "cuck," i see you there, good for you, let me know how that white kkknight holier than thou red pill rage fest dopamine addiction is filling the gaping void of existential dread within you). After that, there is always a small chance they'll see just how depressed i am, and faster than you can say "looney is a word based in misogynistic beliefs of womens mental health and menstrual cycles being unhealthily and unscientifically connected to the moon," ill be fielding questions which boil down to "do you want to kill yourself" and "do you have a plan." By this time in my life, i've gotten pretty used to BSing my way around psychology. All it really takes is knowing that all they can take you on is your word, and nothing else. "Do you want to kill yourself?" they ask, and i reply "*short pause, heavy, short exhale denoting weight and truth* Well, yeah. But quite frankly, suicidal ideation is a part of my everyday life- nothing i do isn't plagued with some form of "i should wrap this mouse cord aroubd my neck and die" or " i wonder if that branch is strong enough to support my weight" or "man, my head hurts, but i bet a bottle or two of ibuprofen could make it stop." For me, its not a question of wanting to die, its a matter of what do i have to live for, and ive been through enough inpatient DBT and group therapy to help me cope, using breathing techniques and self-care tips to push me through the worst of it." This is usually if not always all they need to hear. Sure, im depressed, but anything they could tell me is something i know and am already doing-i sound to them more like a patient leaving inpatient than one entering it. Our hospitals are overfilled, understaffed, prqctucally unfunded; if im "stable" im staying out of their ledger book. Occasionally, they still worry, having one of those "consciences" their peers claim to have lost when a schizophrenic patient tried to bite their ear off, and ask a follow up "but are you sure? You seem distressed, and if you need some help, we are here for you," to which all i have to do is look at them through sad, but strong eyes and say "Thank you, but i have a great support network of friends and of course, my boyfriend. He's fantastic, and one of the most important things to have happened to me. He keeps me on this side of the dirt." A small tired chuckle, and their focus diverts towards affirmations of how good it is to have support, their therapy brains running on autopilot. Then all it needs is some "active" listening, uh-huhs, and compliant assurance that ill keep working on myself to assuage them of any guilt or corncern. Maybe, though, ill tell them the truth, and let them take me in. Three hots and a cot, after all. I'll fight through my dysphoria as they ogle every nook and cranny of my malformed body trying to see if im hiding a weapon or some drugs; I'll continue to insist on a private room and remind them calmly yet firmly that no, i will *not* room with a male, and their lack of knowledge on how to treat a transgender non-binary patient is well behind on proper treatment according to WPATH, the APA, and our state govt. When i get a room, theyll say that i should take as much time as i need to get acclimated, and not worry about what the rwat of group is qorking on, and then contradict themselves within 5 minutes and say i need to go to group, theyre waiting on me. In my fresh new scrubs, ill walk in and within seconds, ill identify how th staff monitors who came in when (usually different colored scrubs based on different halves of the week, and of course, anyone likely to leave within 48 hours wearing "normal" clothes), and see the therapist or doctor talking about emotional management techniques. When i sit down, eeyes will be on me, some with looks of angey jusgemwnt, some with awe and wonder: what could THEY be in for? The group leader will ask me my name, ill state it and my pronouns (to several uncomfortable shifts in the room), and theyll let me know what they were talking about. Ill make a good effort to participate, play along, etc. Someone in the group will be desperate to control the conversation, talking more and more as if this entire experience is just for them- another person will be too dissociated to say anyrhing, despite the doctors attebpts to get them to open up. Already, the cliques will become apparent; humans are aocial creatures, after all. When we leave for the next scheduled activity (either rec or lunch, depending on the time) the docs will be watching me- im on suicide watch, and they expe t me to jump out a window or try and slit my wrists with a paperclip or something. Im not a danger in this regard; ive been threatened with solitary and ECT if i dont comply before- i am their prisoner and i must comply. Within an hour or two of being there, ill be able to notice how well funded they are (or more likely, arent.) The quality of their reading materials; the availability of puzzles abd how well taken care of they appear. Recreation will be the most bare of kindergarden activities; coloring books, maybe a tv with basic cable. A daycare for adults, abd not the cool buzzfeed articles. Someone, probably an addict, will be trying to fanangle their attendee into giving them special treatement- a snack, or an extra smoke break. I'll be sitting in a corner, smirking- the staff arent even an eigth as dumb as this person thinks, and they've seen this type before. They might get something, but itll cost them sour looks from staff and less accommodating treatment with the doctors. After the second hour, we'll have another activity (second group, rec, or maybe "outside time" if its a particularly fancy facility; while the sun will certainly be shining, our feelings of freedom will be dampened by the high fances and walls keeping us from getting away). This is usually wheb the realization sets in that im stuck here for 72 hours plus, and ill be counting them down to stave off boredom. 15-30 minutes in to this third hour, ill be called in to meet tye psychiatrist, fisrt meeting with an attendee to fill out the generic details, then 30-45 minutes of diagnosis before im told ill be put on ab antidepressant, an anxiolytic, and tramodol, a sedative marketed as "something to help me sleep" and "another antidepressant" which makes me laugh every time. Tramodol is the auppressant, the "slow down" drug which helps keep everyobe on a nice, calm level thats safer for the orderlies. Were i violent, id concur; instead, i begin to wonder how long it will take before i no longer feel persistently asleep once i leave. A couple weeks, likely. Hopefully, the food will be good, but not likely 5 star- one place ive stayed had been cooking for us in the break room, sometimes PB&J, sometimes microwaved quesadillas. Maybe theyll have more drink options than coffee, water, and sugar-free koolaid- maybe not. Likely not. Some of us will complain; most of us will know it is a fruitless endeavor. After another group or two, it will be dinner, then wrap up group. We will discuss what progress we think we made today, and be sent to bed after meds are distributed in little paper ketchup cups. Most places wont do the "cuckoos nest" tongue check, but some will, particularly the ones with kleptos and pill ODers. Lights oyt will be around 10 pm, the beds will be plasticky and the blankets thin, and sleep will only cone rhanks to our sedatives. Day two, we'll be woken early, around 6-7, by an orderly checking our blood pressure and body temp. Well all gather in the hallway, rubbing sleep out of our eyes and head to the eating area for breakfast- which loooking back will likely be the best meal of the day, not the least be ause we have access to augar and caffiene. By now, i will likely have made a friend, probably with an older woman or two, and we will enjoy surreptitiously smirking at each other when the teoublemaker patwnt tries to get an omlette or something silly. Someone will start telling fanciful stories dreamed up in the night; talk will eventually turn to who is leaving today. The orderlies will be trying to not look too interested in what we reveal to each other instead of them. They will not succeed in this. Ths first morning they will use as a test of how i deal with frustration. An older nurse will act exasperated, as though taking care of me is a curse she was tasked with. She will try to cut theough any response i give her, and rudely discount anything i try to say, as if accuaing me of lying. Knowing it is coming doesnt help it hurt less. If it overwhelms me, ill be labeled as dramatic- if not, as detached. Sluggish from the new medications, i will be treated as though i ahould not be here, and will be led aroubd more quickly than i am rady to be. I will notice that part of it is that i am beginning to realize how broken down i feel i am. Reaching out will result in canned answers and "the doctor is busy's". After all, this iant about me, and theyve seen my type before. At lunch, i will be upset by the bland meal, abd ask if they have any hot sauce, or maybethey will be out of a preferred tea, or the food will not be enough to feed me. The newcomer who arrived at morning group will share a look with the quiet patient. I will try not to notice the parallels. A therapist will ask to talk to me today. It may be a nice session, but will essebtially boil down to "let me give you ideas for solving your problems, so that your depression seems more managed." By the end of the day, they will already begin my release plan. Theyve fixed me, they are sure. I will also get my clothes back. The aurvey will be slightly different today; instead of asking on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being best abd 10 being worst how was my day, it will be the opposite: scale of 1-10 with 1 being worst and 10 being best. This way, they can track how much is me being honest, and how much is me remembering numbers to fake it. (Once, a nurse messed up so often that it was a sentence by sentence change). Later, if there is any improvement, it will be used by the hospital as signs that treatment is helping; if it gets worse, that i had a rough day and shouldnt think much of it. Bedtime will come, and i will relish it- being sedated takes a lot out of a person. When morning comes, the eggs will feel soggy and cereal with be a much better choice. A bagel will be carried into morning group and more DBT will be discussed. I will mostly be checked out; they are pulling most of their material from a 12 step program, and the leader is a student of psychology learning how to help people, but ive heard it all before, and that sense of guilt just pushes me towards suicide harder. At this point, ill feel just how desperate they are to get me out; nurses eill hint at things being the "wrong" answer with " you dont REALLY mean that, do you sweetie?" and " well, you cant keep thinking THAT way, or we'll have to keep you here longer." Boredom and longing for home will encourage me to pretend to be better, and not tell them how last night before falling asleep i stared at the vedfrane wondering if i could take it apart and form a springwire noose, or tear the blankets to make a rope. When they ask if im feeling better, it will actually mean "are you done with your timeout from reality? Have you learned how to fit in properly yet?" The meds wont really begin having a noticable effect for months- they know im lying. What they hope for is a glimmer of hope and a mountain of guilt for wanting to hurt others by hurting myself. Ill fake those, too. Still, ill be misgendered. Still, theyll blame hormones and buzzfeed rather than neurology and chemistry. After all, im well-adjusted, not at all like the Caitlyn Jenners and Wachowskis they read about on their facebooks. Its just a phase, and im just confused. I didnt try to hurt myself- nothing is *really* wrong with me. What can i do? Try and strangle myaelf, or others? That just means im lashing out, and ill get a new med regime and another 3 days, this time strapped down. Being strapped to a bed and left alone is mind-numbingly boring. If i tell them i still want to kill myaelf, theyll just nod their head and tell me it will go away soon; if i say i have a plan, rheyll keep me playing chess and reading AA papers until i apologize. Their job is not to fix me, their job is to stabilize me and make sure i dont break myself more. The fixing is my responsibility. Day four is release day. They will claim i have made improvements and have me fill out an action plan for when i feel depressed again. It will include people i can call, and ways i can push through bad feelings. It is my exit exam.when i pass, ill be set up with a therapist outside the hospital later in the week, and told how to connect with various resources. They will think i didnt know there were trans support groups. I will think that if it was just a support group i needed, i wouldnt dream of death. Neither of us will admit these things. And so, ill come back to school. Late on homework, i will have to prostrate myaelf with dictors note beggibg for forgiveness. I will get it, more due to policy than empathy, and at the end of the day, i will lay in bed, stare up at the ceiling, and contemplate which of my top three anchor spots would be the best ending to my story. Other than medical bills, nothing will have changed. Life drones on. I think i understand why death seems,so much better. In death, i can pretend there is a solution. In death, i can imagine a cure. In death, i can envision a caretaker and easier existence. It doesnt matter that death is the end of it all- i can pretend it willl be more, and my imagination can create many comforts in that void. But even death is a lie, and nothing will ever stop hurting.