#plus his beard is so fucking sexy

[allmyandroids]

♡ ʰᶦˢ ʰᵃⁿᵈˢᵒᵐᵉ ᶠᵃᶜᵉ ⁺ ˢᵐᶦˡᵉ ᶦˢ ᵉᵛᵉʳʸᵗʰᶦⁿᵍ ᵗᵒ ᵐᵉ ♡

[threeacttragedy]

Entry 9: The One Where You Choose Your Own Brazilian Adventure

My planned post – the “In Dedication of JVN” one where I fangirl over Jonathan Van Ness and what a fun and interesting piece of the Lukola puzzle he is – was derailed today because I was once again asked about Brazil. Well, more specifically, I was asked about whether I thought we were ever going to get those steamy, hopefully X-rated pictures, from Brazil. There’s pictures?!

In truth, I thought we’d collectively squeezed that grapefruit dry and left the rind somewhere between Italy and the Glamour Awards.

Alas, here I am writing about Brazil.

It’s funny because I’ve never thought much about Brazil. I know, I know! How could I possibly type those words without my nose growing six inches in front of my face? Well, it’s because it was always Australia that intrigued me. More on that later…

So why exactly do we believe there are pictures from Brazil? And, why do we think they are going to prove some kind of hot affair between Luke and Nicola? This theory is likely fueled by rumor; rumor born from how Luke and Nicola behaved towards each other while they were in Brazil.

I thought it would be fun to play a little game of “Choose Your Own Adventure” to determine if we’re ever going to see these alleged pictures. And, yes, I will be a very sarcastic bitch when doing this.

Before I start, though, I want to give a quick shout out to my dear friend, whom I shall call The-One-Who-Drops-Random-Pics-Into-Our-Group-Chat-and-Lets-Us-Sweat-Over-Them-for-Atleast-Three-Minutes-Before-Finally-Explaining-Them. She was a wealth of information about Brazil and even had a nice mother-daughter chat with me about the significance of a clean-shaven face (pardon me for never having dated a bearded man, which is odd because I find facial hair quite attractive).

Now, gather ‘round and I shall give you a little prologue to our adventure!

I’m sure most of you already know all about Brazil. In fact, many of you are probably self-described experts at this point. But, for those who are new here, let me go ahead and light the candles and set the ambiance for you. 

On May 19, Luke and Nicola were shuttled off to do their beach photoshoot in Brazil. You know, the one where Nicola was walking the dogs; Luke was strumming the guitar; Nicola was being all girlfriend-like fixing Luke’s jacket; Luke was gazing up at Nicola at the pub while she was touching his neck; and then there was that moment when we all thought they might kiss. Yeah, all that plus Luke’s scruffy face from the week prior suddenly appeared clean-shaven. Apparently, you can never be too “Casual” when you’re headed down south (pun intended – as was that Chappell Roan reference). And, about now is where I’ll “insert disclaimer that this is speculation only.”

The following day, we had the actual premiere. I’m not sure what those two were up to before the premiere but both were un-fucking-hinged by the time they made it to the red carpet. We had angel-face Nicola looking up at Luke like he had created the universe and Luke answering Nicola’s Little Red Riding Hood vibe with one sexy ass Big Bad Wolf persona. I mean, the bits and bobs that came out of Luke’s mouth that day! “There’s a carriage downstairs.” “I mean, in this heat, all I’m thinking about is when we didn’t have to wear clothes ‘cos that would be quite nice right now.” “I mean the show is proof that it is [okay to kiss your friends].” With Nicola whispering back, “This is true.” Then there was Luke taking that mic without taking his eyes off Nicola. We had Luke helping Nicola put on her bracelets because – God forbid! – she let go of him for 30 seconds to do it her fucking self. And, let’s not forget about the two of them holding on to each other behind that woman’s back (I’m sorry, I don’t recall her name and I’m too lazy to look it up – mainly, because I’m certain most of you don’t really care about that other woman).

We were also given snippets of Luke and Nicola at the premiere afterparty, looking like two people who, at a minimum, enjoyed each other’s company. They greeted fans outside the venue and, as they walked away together, Nicola seemingly put her hand on Luke’s lower back as if to guide him in the right direction (go ahead – let your imagination run wild – it’s a great opening for a FanFic).

Then, throw in the beach walk with the giant security guard; the interview where Nicola was wearing the fluffy pink skirt and the two of them talked about Chappell Roan’s “Kaleidoscope” (seriously, those two were listening to that song together?); Nicola couldn’t stop giggling about the “meat” of the Carriage Scene; and Luke appeared perhaps a smidge too interested in Nicola’s answer about what she looks for in a man (which fit perfectly into Luke’s “Like, how nice is it when someone notices, like, your kindness or your sense of humor?”). And, we can’t ignore them seemingly sharing a tea cup and Luke reaching for Nicola’s spoon after she’d sampled a dish. Don’t even get me started on over-analyzing Luke’s “manspread” that day.

Let’s also not forget about the rumor portion of this Brazilian escapade – because that is what fuels the sexy hot pictures theory and the central plot of our storied adventure.

Rumor has it Luke and Nicola spent a lot of time with each other in Brazil.

By themselves.

In one or the other’s room.

On the beach.

By the pool.

There were also rumors of them making out in the hotel hallway.

The only evidence we have of any “alone time” are some pictures that were dumped on X of them dining together alone, without any other members of their team.

Now that the backdrop has been set, let’s go on my little adventure.

During the summer between my 7th and 8th grade years, I was bored out of my mind. I grew up in the countryside. No neighbors. No sidewalks. No cable! Just fields, wooded areas, and my two sisters, both of whom had no interest in entertaining me that summer. My mother suggested I read. After boredom had dug itself so far into my being that I was left with no choice but to read, I finally ventured over to the bookshelf and grabbed the thinnest book I could find. It was a “Choose Your Own Adventure.”

If you don’t know what a “Choose Your Own Adventure” book is, then you (and your children) are missing out. Basically, you play the role of the protagonist and make choices to determine the outcome of your story. Sometimes you make the right choice and survive; other times you make the wrong choice and get turned into a little mouse that may or may not be eaten by a cat.

Here we go.

As the protagonist of our story, you are:

THE EMPLOYEE

You’re an employee of the hotel Nicola and Luke stayed at while in Brazil. You have sworn to maintain the privacy of hotel guests; you’ve signed a non-disclosure agreement of sorts to protect the privacy of guests, especially since you have access to VIP areas. You can be a housekeeper, a watchman, a concierge, a seven-foot-tall security guard, whatever tickles your fancy. Doesn’t matter – you’re all bound by the same provisions to protect the privacy of the hotel’s guests. But, in this story, let’s say you’re the housekeeper because – what’s that old saying – the only person who knows everything going on in the house is the maid?

You’re cleaning Nicola’s room and you find lots of signs of a man being in the room. In fact, you find a coat that looks exactly like the one Luke was wearing the night of the premiere. Oh my. As you’re leaving, you see two people making out in the hallway – headed straight towards the room you’re just leaving!  It looks like Nicola and Luke. What do you do?

Choice A: Well, you’re a pervy housekeeper so you pull your phone out and start taking pictures. I mean, those two are so into each other, they don’t even notice. You then run and play show-and-tell with your friends because you can’t keep a damn secret. Unfortunately for you, that gossip spreads faster than lice in a preschool, and hotel management tracks your ass down because, guess what, your friends can’t keep a secret either. So, congratulations on being fired. You’re meeting with the lawyers is first thing in the morning. Oh, we also need your phone and the names of all your friends.

Choice B: You respect the privacy of Nicola and Luke and simply turn and walk the opposite direction. Taking photos of them never even crossed your mind! But, damn, what a good story to tell your bestie when you get home, even if you don’t have “receipts.”

THE VIP GUEST

You’re a random guest staying at the hotel. In fact, you’re a random VIP guest staying on the same floor as Nicola and Luke. When you checked in, you signed a non-disclosure agreement. I mean, you want your privacy protected, too! And, heck, NDAs are thrown out like candy these days. You’ve seen so many at this point, you don’t even bother to read them.

You take the elevator up to your floor and, as you step into the hallway, you’re confronted with – goddammit, there’s two motherfuckers all over each other! The guy is trying to slide his key into the door, but the woman’s dress is so awkwardly large, he can’t seem to find the right slot! You realize the people look a lot like those two stars from Bridgerton, and your best friend, Effie, is a huge fan! What do you do?

Choice A: You can’t believe Effie is missing out on this excitement so, of course, you pull your phone out and start taking pictures!! I mean, that NDA you signed didn’t even cross your mind three minutes later when you were forwarding the pictures to Effie! And, because you can’t control what Effie does, she forwards the pictures to all her Bridgie buddies. The next morning you awaken to find the pictures all over X. Oopsie. You feel slightly guilty, and a bit peeved at Effie – but only until you’ve had your morning coffee.

Choice B: You take people’s privacy very seriously. Well, maybe you don’t take it that seriously, but it would be too difficult to dig your phone out of your handbag to take pictures. And, to be honest, Effie is the huge fan, not you. Plus, it seems the guy finally got that door open and damn, based on the sounds of it, he's unlocked something magical. Oh well. You’ll call Effie in the morning to tell her your story, if you remember it.

THE RANDOM STRANGER

You’re a random stranger taking an evening stroll along the beach. You love the sound of the ocean. It’s so peaceful…the sound of the waves… Ugh, what is that noise?! It sounds like – shit, it is! – two people snogging in a cabana about 10 yards away from you. Wait a minute – is that? Yeah, you think it could be! I mean, you were just at the Bridgerton premiere last night! What do you do? Without hesitation, you pull out your phone!

Choice A: You creep behind an umbrella and zoom in as close as possible with your camera! I mean, shite! You can’t believe this! How long have you been filming?  Probably longer than necessary but who cares? Suddenly, you feel a presence behind you, perhaps a seven-foot-tall presence, and you slowly turn around. Fuck! Who’s this guy?! He takes your phone, drops it to the ground, and stomps on it, shattering its insides.  Asshole.  You bend down to pick up the phone, but the man taps your shoulder and shakes his head, “No.” Well, umm, yeah, I guess you best be leaving.

Choice B: You use your camera to zoom in on the couple. Snap! Snap! Snap! Then you get the FUCK OUT OF THERE! You tell yourself you don’t look suspicious at all, even though you’re practically running and your heart is about to pound its way out of your chest! Oh, thank God, you’ve made it to your car. You start it up and, like I said, YOU GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE! You get home and take a look at the photos! Goldmine! So, should you drop them on X? Maybe be a little see-you-next-Tuesday and try to sell them to Nicola or Luke’s teams? But, hell, you don’t even know where to start with that! Or, should you just pocket them for your own pleasure? You tell me….

The End.

Yes, I am absolutely being a facetious little ass! The above scenarios were for (the most part) my own entertainment. I mean, there are so many situations where these alleged pictures could exist (these playful ones don’t even scratch the surface). But, do the pictures exist?

If we’re being logical here, you would think that, if anyone in the general public were in possession of these alleged sexy-time pictures of Luke and Nicola, or had seen them, it would be all over social media at this point. I mean, ALL OVER. So, what can we deduce from the fact that they aren’t?

That the pictures probably don’t exist. Don’t shoot the messenger! Seriously, watch where you point that thing!

But, let’s say pictures did exist. Who is the most likely person to dump them on, say, X? The hotel employee, the VIP guest, or the random stranger? I would place money on the random stranger, followed by the VIP guest. The hotel employee, who probably has the most access to VIP guests but the strongest legal barriers, would be the least likely to photo dump. What is the likelihood that someone from one of these three groups – for example, a random stranger – (a) had pictures of Luke and Nicola, (b) didn’t drop them on social media, and/or (c) didn’t share them with someone who dropped them on social media?

I’m all for a good conspiracy theory but I find this one to be a hard pill to swallow.

Maybe one person can act as a lockbox for this kind of secret, but when you start including more people, the ability to keep something (like illicit photographs of two celebrities) out of the public eye diminishes rapidly.

Remember what Benjamin Franklin said, “Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.”

Unfortunately, this quote is incredibly accurate. The general public cannot keep secrets.

If the pictures exist, they are most likely in the possession of Luke and/or Nicola’s team (of lawyers). So, unless they’re going to sneak them on to X for giggles (I mean, it’s been known to happen), you’re probably never going to see them – and that’s assuming they even exist.

However, if you’re the housekeeper from our first adventure and you happen to have some candid photographs you’re just dying to share, just find yourself a printer – one that cannot easily be linked back to you – and print them out. Then, “accidently” drop them at the feet of someone who knows exactly what they are, and then give them enough time to take their own photos of them and send them to their best friend’s brother’s sister-in-law’s third cousin’s wife’s neighbor, who could drop them on X for us. I mean, you should be golden with seven degrees of separation.

[pedge-page]

I really love and laugh over your Joel and Preggo. I was wondering about Joel and his mother-in-law. How does Preggo get along with her mother? Maybe mother-in-law who lives out of town comes for a quick visit ? I leave to you what the dynamics or what directions “the mother-in-law” could be!

Joel Dealing with Preggo Wife: Mother-in-Law

^some inspo photos of Pedro with friend or his family. Momma is touchy but it's nonsexual. He's just eating it up.

Warnings: angry sex turns soft, brief oral F receiving, getting caught (not sexy), favoritism war

18+ ONLY

- - - -

You remember when your parents used to hate Joel. From the moment you announced your engagement, they frowned. Why not someone who has a more stable job? Went to college? Doesn't have white in his beard already in his 30s?

But when you refused to back down, they begrudgingly put up with him. And he went above and beyond to impress them. Gifts, kind gestures, helping around their house and treating them to nice dinners. 

But oh boy, the SECOND your Facebook friends let it slip that you were expecting, your parents flipped on a dime.

Joel was now their favorite child. 

And your mom was—

“I hope she makes that famous apple pie of-hers,” Joel says, a bounce in his voice as the two of you drive to your Mom’s house for the weekend. 

Your upper lip gets caught on your teeth as you scowl at his more-than-she-deserves giddy smile. “What about my apple pie?”

“You don’t make apple pie.”

True. "Well. If I did..."

“—Then it would be the best.”

“You’re just saying that because I expect you to. You probably would hate it.”

Joel opens his mouth but hesitates for a moment. “I don’t know how you want me to respond here. We’re talking about a fictional pie you’ve never made.”

Grrr fuck this man and his logic.

He tries to alleviate the subject—maybe you wanted to give baking HIM an apple pie a go? ”She did buy me that Kitchen-aide mixer..."

You shake your head. Not this again… “No, she bought it for me!"

"It was my Christmas gift she gave me.”

"Why would she get you a NICE kitchen aide thousand dollar mixer, when you don't even BAKE??? PLUS I'm her actual DAUGHTER??"

Joel just shrugs. It pains you but you will never admit it's most likely true. Your mom bought it for HIM and you got breast pumps and a barf blanket. She used to get you the over the top nice things, and Joel would get socks. But now…

Your mom always loved you, probably a bit more than most. Sometimes it was overbearing, but that’s how she is. She’s nurturing, caring, always cooking and taking care of everyone, running a million miles a minute yet still having time to tell you everything is going to be ok after you stubbed your toe and cried about a broken nail. 

Though, she also expected to be treated like royalty by Dad. Momma knew her worth, knew her value to the family and Dad would grovel if he didn’t give her exactly what she wanted the moment she wanted it.

You’re glad that Joel doesn’t have to deal with a nagging wife who needs to tend to her ridiculous wants and emotional turmoil whenever it falls over less he be beheaded for his insolence.

You narrow your eyes at your bopping himbo Joel now, completely unaware of your thoughts as he jams to the radio. 

What a lucky guy he is.

When you pull up outside the old ranch home, Joel hops out and smells the air like it’s the Bahamas.

He helps you down from the passenger side of the truck before you both jump at the sound of your Mom screeching from the porch.

“JOOOOOEEEELLLYYYYYYYY!!!!!!”

His eyes crinkle in a warm smile as the little yet fiery woman you call Mom comes rushing towards you two like a marathon speed walker, pumping her arms at a whopping 1 mile per hour.

He opens his arms and as your mother wraps herself in his embrace. “Hey you!”

“Oooooh! Ohhh you’re so thin!” 

You raise your eyebrow. Joel’s no heavy weight champion, but he’s got a dad bod ready to rival any of the neighbors—a body that you LOVE more than anything else as it is.

Finally seeing you behind him, she shoves Joel aside and wraps you up in his warm hug. “MY BABYGIRL!!!!”

That’s right, let’s remember the pregnant one here please!

Your mom is the same height as you, but that doesn’t stop her from getting on her tip toes to kiss your forehead like she always did since the day you were born. She marvels at the size of your belly, filled with excitement and wonder and familiarity. “Oh my gosh look how much you’ve grown already, are you sure it’s not twins??? I have twins on my uncle’s side so its entirely possible—oh my gosh you’re so—“

Please don’t say fat please don’t say fat…

“SKINNY! JOEL! Have you not been feeding her????”

You snicker and throw your arm around her shoulders. “That’s what I’VE been saying. Momma, he’s been limiting snack time.”

Joel rolls his eyes. The two of you ganging up on him wasn’t in the cards just 5 seconds ago when he was sweet Joely.

 “My poor starving baby starving my baby’s baby!” she muses, forces Joel to bend at the knee for her fat wet kiss on his scruffy cheek before rubbing her kisses into your head on the other side.

“Come, come in! I’ve made—“

“Pie?” Joel pipes up, his eyes tilted eagerly towards the overly touchy woman suffocating you both.

You roll your eyes, already smelling the apple and cinnamon in the air. Of COURSE she would make his favorite pie. She runs inside to set the table.

Joel starts unpacking the truck but you cross your arms and tap your foot.

“What?”

He towers over you with a duffel slumped over his shoulder. “—Not that shit."

“I'm just saying, she’s nice to you all the sudden. It’s weird—“

“Don’t start.” He interrupts, slamming the trunk with a startling bang. Those biceps look fucking delicious rippling under his tight tight shirt— "Just want her to think I'm good for ya. Not tryin' to replace you."

You scoff him, as if anyone else could pull a man like that except you. 

But Joel can still feel that tension radiating off you, knowing you won’t truly acknowledge what’s bothering you until it blows into something ridiculous.

“Jooeellyyyy?” your mother shouts from the kitchen window.

“JoElLeY” you mimic with annoyance. “I used to be the only one with cute nicknames, ya know. You used to just be ‘J guy-my-daughter-is-dating’. And that even AFTER we got married.”

He chuckles before giving you a peck on the lips and guiding your waddling self inside. Joel doesn’t want you thinking that he would ever choose your mom over you, of course not! 

Just, for the now, being on her favorable side was something he had been working towards for years. You would just have to put up with her lipstick stains on his cheek and endless praise from his mouth of her fabulous cooking for this the weekend.

- 

Your mom zips around the kitchen, going off about the new nail salon down the road, the garden beds that can’t keep the chipmunks away, and how your old ultrasounds to compare baby sizes.

Joel watches the way she waddles. It’s EXACTLY as you do, and he starts to think maybe it’s not the pregnancy that is giving you such a signature walk. You both sit down at the table together and sigh, biting into a cookie and making a nasty face before putting it back on the tray.

Oh.

Oh wow.

Joel has to hide his smirk. You claimed so often how you were NOTHING like your mom. Your mom was pushy, demanding, filled to the brim with extra energy that would come out of no where—ironically all the things that defined you but obviously was not obvious to his wife yet. 

Maybe it’s the slight difference between you two is exactly how Joel can relate to Momma—showing love through acts service. Your mom is constantly working around the kitchen, cleaning, cooking, and it has nothing to do with expectations. He can see the little smile on her face, the skip in her step—she loves taking care of her people. She likes that you whine because only she can make your favorite coffee cake the exact way you like it. That you credit your own excellent laundry folding skills thanks to her methods that prevent wrinkles without ironing. How she always had the BEST soups for when you’re sick as if they cured like medicine itself, even if its just poured from a can—its done so with love.

There’s a unique bond between mother and daughter that Joel gets to witness. It’s not self serving either. There’s a sense of personal gratitude in being able to care for someone that makes their world worth living in.

Other times you can be a total bitch but honestly? That’s just pregnancy talk.

“It’s a girl, isn’t it? Grandmother’s just know these things—“

“Mom, I called you a few weeks ago and told you it was a girl. You didn’t just guess—“

“Just as you had predicted!” Joel jumps in. “Grandmother’s intuition is a real thing, and this sweet }Cookie’s got it.” He winks towards her and sips the lovely tea she had made him.

Your mom begins to favor his conversation over yours. “And names…?” She asks expectedly.

“We’re—“

“Yours is definitely in the mix!” Joel boasts.

She clasps her hands together, not seeing the deathstare you were giving him. Momma’s name was only in the mix for MIDDLE names, not firsts. You both had agreed you wanted your baby to have her own unique first that belonged to just her. 

He ignores you for now, hoping you can see the ‘please forgive me’, in his pupils as your mom goes to hug and kiss his messy hair like a bird feeding its young in the nest.

You clear your throat, eager to get her hands off your man and back on to the one actually giving her the grandbaby. “I think it’s time we settle down in our room. Right Momma?”

“Oh, you know your way up, I wanted to show Joel some of my new kitchenware—I just couldn’t decide what to buy so I got everything, knowing you’d be by this weekend! Come on, you can pick the ones you like.”

She grasps his hand and guides him, side to side with her piddled feet, into the next room and leaving you alone.

-

The blunt edges of your chewed up nails dig into Joel’s meaty chest. there are wrinkles in your forehead from how tightly concentrated you are at riding back and forth on his cock, your belly dragging along his and hips slamming down aggressively as you ride him with the pent up fury of the day.

Joel’s got a mix of emotions: your tight pussy sucking him in, kissing your cervix with each swallow, deep and delicious in that tight heat, plus the sheer feel and sight of you so pregnant yet fucking him so furiously while he lies back and takes it all in, trying not to cum too soon—but also knowing you’re more angry than you are thinking about the sex you’re having, and you’re going to injure yourself by all this energy not driving you anywhere closer to an orgasm, and he knows  he has to works out the knot in your brain before you can let the knot in your tummy snap.

“Why are you so upset?” He asks as his head rubs up along the pillow from each bounce of your body atop him.

“M—m not—upset,” you stammer, your fingers gripping his flesh even harder and slamming yourself down on his cock like you want to hurt it.

You’re sweating, visibly aggravated and probably in pain but refuse to quit.

Maybe you need this, but as he glances down at your bulging pregnant belly that is also being shaken up like a martini, he decides that his unborn baby doesn’t need brain damage too from your furious fucking.

Joel’s hands glide up along your flexed arms until he’s cupping your cheeks gently, wiping the tear that is building along your eyelashes. You slow your pace until you’re just sitting on top, impaled on his cock and letting out an exhausted huff.

“So why are you upset?” He asks calmly.

“You’re MY husband,” you say, and though your voice is full of confidence at the statement, it quivers just a bit at the end. 

Joel knew you would be pent up. That your mom was too touchy with him, and in his good faith to keep her good favor, he leaned in and let her butter him up, gave her the attention and kisses and hugs she asked for, and now its getting to you, and you’re jealous of your own mother—

“--and I’m HER daughter. But now she’s acting like you’re her favorite child too, even though I’m the one giving the grandbaby here, I used to be her favorite kid! Just me! I used to be the one BEGGGING her to give ya a chance but now suddenly she’s also loving you, out of the fucking BLUE,  like you’re all special when IT SHOULD JUST BE ME—.”

He blinks for a second, and you squeeze your walls around him as if signaling you’ll cut it off if he dare try to act confused. 

“Wait, are you jealous… of me?” 

Your eyes drift away, just in time for Joel to have the worst fucking reaction by chuckling so hard that the two of you are rolling over to your side.

He wipes his reddened face and calms his breathing so he can talk.

“That why you’re fuckin’ me like you wanna break me?” 

Maybe you did want to make a point to anyone who might be in the house about the hierarchy over who’s got right’s to loving Joel…specifically, to make that clear TO Joel himself. 

He scootches as close as he can, despite the big baby between your middles, and rubs his nose along yours, his palm brushing your cheek and centering your focus entirely on him.

“I’d shoot myself if I had to spend more than just this weekend with your mom. She’s nice, but I couldn’t EVER stand around bein’ pinched in the cheeks like that. Always doting on my ass all day, tryin’ to service me and make me feel like a spoiled porcelain doll that needed nurturin’ like a baby 24/7. I’d feel like a useless fuck. I think she n’ I are kinda alike in that. Wantin’ to take care of what’s ours.”

You snort in the boogers pooling in your nostrils. 

“Look, It’s nice gettin’ praise, THAT you could give me more of.”

“I don’t wanna talk about my mom when you’re inside me.”

“Then lets talk about you being a momma while I’m inside you.”

“Yeah… but I liked being the only one she adored. Now I gotta share?? With you????”

You nod shyly but agree. “I do appreciate you. I’ll try better to show it.”

“Nah, don’t want you to change. N’ I need you to listen to this because I know you’re gonna leave some details out intentionally when you go tattlin’ to Maria—but being pregnant with you has been the best adventure we’ve been on so far. You keep me on my toes and keep life interesting. I like the smile on your face when I give ya something only I can give. The dance you do when you get your little cookie dough milkshake thing, and the pout you make when I tell ya no, and you get all cute on me and do some ridiculous shit that I can’t deny you anymore cuz fuck, I want you happy sooo bad, and I wanna be the one that does it. YOU make me feel special.”

He smiles, stroking the hair away from your eyes. “Think of it this way: when did she suddenly start showin’ me some special treatment? When I put a baby in your belly. That’s it. She’s happy to be getting a grand kid, and she knows I’m officially stuck with you so might as well get used to it. I’m here to stay. “Ya spent so long tryin’ to get her to like me. She does now. Job well done! You don’t have to stress anymore. No need to get all greedy, baby though I know that’s just your thing,” he teases, rubbing his knee along your thighs to part them again.

You furl your lower lip out in a childish pout. “I think the baby is making me possessive over my belongings.”

“Oh? I’m a belonging now?” He wiggles his eyes brows. Slightly more relaxed, he takes advantage and smoothes his palm down your arm, behind your waist to squeeze your ass.

He’s about to pull you in for a victory kiss when your eyes shoot open.

“Wait… am I… the useless spoiled porcelain doll that needs nurturing 24/7 that you have to dote on all day??????”

“No! No you’re not useless!”

He’s offering a sweet smile, rubbing your shoulder with encouragement as a pregnant pause fills the air.

“…you got anything else you wanna deny in that or just that one part.”

He licks his lips before flipping you on your back and sliding down between your legs.

“You know what the BEST pie is?”

T h e o n e  b e t w e e n  m y l  e g s, you mouth out into the air, your belly conveniently keeping your lips out of frame as Joel spread your pussy and blows cool air on your nub.

“S’the one between your legs,” he whispers sensually against your thigh, nipping it and growling before dragging the tip of his nose through your slit, inhaling your scent.

You smile and cover your face with both hands. He’s cheesy, but he’s a keeper. 

and maybe, just maybe, worth sharing the love with.

The love that is quickly about to be snuffed out for the both of you as your mom opens the door and begins asking "Joel did you want the red one or the blue--AH!"

Joel and you both frantically cover your lower half, his head accidetanlly bumping into your belly at the same you to strain your back trying to sit up.

"MOM, SERIOUSLY!?"

she slams the door closed but calls out through the wood: "Oh that is NOT appropriate for the baby!" before stammering away.

Joel just chuckles into your breasts. "How does she think I got the baby in you?"

You shake your head and smack him, trying to feel more ashamed then amused right now.

- - - -

More Momma in Law and Sarah

Taglist:

@harriedandharassed @lola8888673 @its-nebuleuse @zliteraturehoe @merz-8 @joeldjarin @pascalscoffin @pedroshotwifey @ghostslillady @innerpersonunknown @missladym1981 @mrs-oharaxx @survivingandenduring @milla-frenchy @cockykookiee @fairytale07 @daddy-dinero @pedropascalsbbg @spookyxsam @somehopeatlast @millercontracting @pedrostories @mishala005 @theoraekenslover @animez96 @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog @puduvallee

[imyourbratzdoll]

Could I request a Negan fic where he reassures a plus-size reader that she's sexy and desirable? Preferably with smut if possible! If not, that's understandable as well! Thank you either way for your time!!

of course you can💗

summary - with all these women wanting negan’s attention, you begin to feel like he could do better.

warning - self hate, self doubt, slight jealousy, swearing, smut, zombies, daddy kink, creampie.

18+ only please, the gif I use isn’t mine, divider by @newlips.

Another day went on and you watched another survivor flaunt themselves in front of Negan, hoping to gain his attention. You pushed your seat back and left the room in a hurry, not wanting to watch anymore.

You decide to take a shower, feeling dirty and in need of some thinking time. You don’t hear Negan enter the room, leaning against the doorway, neither do you notice him when you step out and look at yourself in the mirror, slowly tracing your fingers over the places you hate.

“Why’re you looking at my body like that?” You jump, letting out a squeak, whipping your head around to look at him. Negan’s brow raises, “I’m waiting, Sugar.”

“Is not your body…” You grumble, mumbling under your breath.

He smirks, pushing off the doorway and stalking towards you, cornering you into the bathroom counter. “The fuck you say to me, Sugar? You are mine, meaning this body is mine and I don’t appreciate how you are looking at it.” Your thighs clench together as he practically growls. “Now tell me.”

“…I don’t know why you want me, I’ll understand if you want the others.” You felt so exposed and aroused with Negan pressed against you.

“Where the shit did this come from, Sweetheart?” He grips your chin in his hand making you look at him. “You think I want them? Do you know how long it took me to get you, Sweetness? So fucking long and I ain’t giving that up for some easy lay.”

“I’m yours.” He spins you around, pressing harder into you, still holding your chin as he makes you look at yourself in the mirror. “Ya see what I see? A fucking goddess, look at these fucking tits.” You whimper when he grabs them, squeezing and jiggling them. “My god, these tits are in my fucking dreams. All I can think bout is suffocating myself in them or shoving my dick between them, making you watch as I fuck them.”

“Negan…”

“Shut up. You’re gonna listen to me and then I’m gonna fuck you.” He groans, reaching back and grabbing your arse. “This fucking arse. You should know, half the men I’ve killed weren’t cause of the crimes I said. No, I killed them for looking at what’s mine, talking bout you in ways only I can talk about you.” You moan as he continues squeezing and spanking your arse before his hands move again.

“And these thighs, fuck. Love when you suffocate me with them or wrap them around me as I fuck you. Get so fucking hard when you walk, talk, breathe. Fucking everything you do gets me hard.”

His hands skim your stomach. “Love me a full woman. There’s just something so comforting and homey about one. Ya feel like home, Sugar.” Negan nuzzles his face into your neck, causing tingles to spread as his beard rubs against you.

You moan when he slides into you, you didn’t even know he had taken his cock out. “Now, this cunt. My favourite fucking thing, it’s like Christmas morning every time I slide inside or taste it. You’re my fucking present, baby. Fuck, always feel so fucking tight.” He grips your chin, turning your head and placing a kiss on your lips. “You want me to fuck you in front of everyone, baby? Might have to leave a mark on you so they know you’re mine. Better yet, you leave one on me.”

You clench around him, gripping the bathroom counter as he fucks into you harder and faster, gripping your hips with a bruising grip. Your eyes connect with his in the reflection causing you to squeeze him even tighter. “N—Neg—!”

His hand comes down on your arse hard. “That’s not my name, Sugar. C’mon, what’s my name?” He growls, pounding deeper.

“Daddy!” You scream, cumming so hard your eyes roll back and vision becomes white.

“That’s my girl.” He buries deep into you, filling you up. Negan spins you without pulling out, causing you to face him. “C’mon, mark me, Sugar.”

Your brows furrow.

Negan raises his. “I’m serious, Sweets.” He leans down and moans as you latch onto his neck, sucking, nipping and licking. Pulling back to reveal a large hickey. “Good girl.”

After that, everyone knew he was yours.

thank you for reading!

feedback and reblogs are greatly appreciated.

[blakeswritingimagines]

KINK LIST With Logan Howlett

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

He'll pet and slowly caress you, his eyes gently looking over your body, his breath warm against your neck. He whispers small words of praise and comfort, and his arms wrap around you tightly.

B = Body part (Their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

His favorite part of his body, he likes his muscles they make him feel strong, and his favorite part of yours he loves to caress your sides and touch and squeeze your hips.

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)

He can give you more cum than you know what to do with. And trust me, once you've had a taste, you'll be hooked. His load is thick, hot, and straight from the tap. He's like a fucking fire-hose between those legs. So go ahead, beg for it. He loves hearing those sweet little pleas as he prepares to flood your insides with his seed. There's nothing quite like marking up a pretty face with his hot, sticky release. Watching it drip down your cheeks, into your mouth, coating your tongue… Just thinking about it will get him hard again.

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self-explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

He sometimes secretly craves cuddling and being pet, he doesn't always want to be strong he wants to be weak sometimes, let someone take care of him, pamper him. He loves to be held down, having them control the pace, he won't admit it though, not yet, it goes against his macho rough persona.

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

He's very experienced, he knows his way around the body. And he really likes to take his time, explore your body slowly, to savor the experience. It's not just about reaching the climax for him, it's about enjoying the whole thing.

F = Favorite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual)

He's always been partial to doggy style. There's something about feeling your ass wiggle while he's pounding you that just gets his blood pumping. Plus, it gives him a good view of that tight little asshole that he's gonna stretch out real nice. But if we're talking about positions that really get his heart racing, nothing beats missionary. Being able to look into your eyes as he fills you up… there's no better feeling than that in his world.

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

He'll tease and flirt with you, his smirk playful, he'll say goofy dirty jokes too, anything to make you squirm and laugh. He'll also compliment you gently in bed and whisper sexy things to you and nibble on your neck playfully.

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

He isn't the most well groomed, he has a lot of body hair, and he hasn't found someone to cut his hair, when he finally gets some rest he'll cut it, but that's it. He has a beard, and hair on his chest and a happy trail.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

He's very romantic, and gentle, he'll give neck kisses, and whisper sweet things to you. He loves to kiss your skin too. And his body language is quite loving. He also loves to play with his lover's hair, hold your hands, press his forehead to yours and gently caress your cheek.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

On average, I'd say around three or four times a day. But sometimes he'll go longer stretches without cumming, and other times he might have multiple orgasms in quick succession. It really just depends on how he's feeling and what he needs at the time. But trust me, there's never a dull moment when it comes to his self-pleasure.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

Being in control - He loves being in complete control and having you be submissive to him; he wants you to follow his every order and obey without question. He wants you completely under his control, he loves dominating and seeing you submit to him.

Praise/Degradation - He loves praising you when you're good. He loves to call her "Beautiful" and "Perfect" or "good girl/boy" and "pet."

Marking you, he'll be wanting to leave his love bites all over your body to show that you are his.

Teasing to get him worked up, maybe even make him jealous a little.

L = Location (Favorite places to do the do)

First off, there's his bedroom. It's got this huge king-sized bed that can handle all kinds of... activities. Plus, it's got these soft silk sheets that just feel amazing against your skin. But if you're feeling adventurous, you could always head down to the basement. He has his private gym down there with plenty of room to move around. And let me tell ya, those weights aren't just for show.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

Seeing you get lost in pleasure from his touch. Hearing moans and whimpers of ecstasy when he's giving head. Feeling a tight hole clenching around his cock as he pounds into it. Knowing that he's the one who can make you feel this good.

The thrill of being wanted so badly that you are desperate for him. Watching you come undone, your body shaking with release, eyes rolled back in bliss. Being praised for his skills and told how he's the best you've ever had. The power trip of having complete control over your pleasure.

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn-offs)

Being disrespected or treated poorly. He expects respect and will not tolerate anything less. Bad hygiene. Nobody wants to be intimate with someone who doesn't take care of themselves. Lack of enthusiasm. If someone isn't excited about being with him, why should he be? Inability to follow directions. He loves taking charge, but he needs someone who can keep up with him. Disloyalty. Trust is crucial in every relationship, especially in the bedroom.

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

He prefers giving oral, there's nothing quite like feeling his mouth being worked and hearing those pleasured sounds coming from his partner. His tongue is incredibly skilled at teasing and pleasuring, flicking across sensitive spots until you're begging for more. And watching you lose control because of what he's doing…that's an intoxicating rush.

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

He tends to be a mix - fast and rough at times, slow and sensual at others. It really depends on the situation and your preferences. When he's in the heat of the moment, all he wants is to bury himself deep and fuck hard, losing himself in the primal rhythm of thrusts. But he also knows how to set a slower, more deliberate pace, savoring each inch as he slides in and out, building anticipation and pleasure gradually. He enjoys switching between these extremes, keeping things exciting and unpredictable.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

He's a fan of quickies. There's something thrilling about the spontaneity, the urgency, the raw intensity. It's a great way to satisfy a sudden craving or release some pent-up tension. However, he also believes in taking the time to properly pleasure each other. Good sex requires attention to detail, patience, and sometimes even foreplay. So while he enjoys a quick fuck now and then, he wouldn't say it's his preferred method of getting laid.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

He's definitely game to experiment and willing to take risks. Whether it's trying out new positions, exploring different sensations, or pushing boundaries, he thrives on the excitement and challenge of the unknown. There's nothing quite like the adrenaline rush of stepping outside your comfort zone, especially when it comes to pleasure.

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

His stamina is pretty damn impressive. He can go round after round, lasting for hours if necessary. It's all about staying hydrated, eating right, and keeping fit. Plus, there's something about the rush of endorphins during sex that keeps him going strong. He prides himself on being able to please you thoroughly, ensuring you reach multiple orgasms before he finally lets loose and explodes.

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

He likes to introduce toys gradually, starting with something simple like a vibrator or dildo before moving on to more advanced items like anal beads or cuffs. He finds that incorporating toys adds an extra layer of excitement and variety to your encounters.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

He absolutely loves teasing. There's something deliciously torturous about drawing out the pleasure, making you wait for it, just barely touching what you crave. Whether it's running my fingers along their inner thigh, tracing the outline of your nipple without actually touching it, or simply promising what's to come, he revels in the power of the tease. It's a game of cat and mouse, and he always seems to come out on top.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

He's quite vocal during sex, letting out moans, groans, and gasps of pleasure as he feels your touch. His voice rises and falls with each wave of sensation, becoming louder and more intense as he nears climax. He also likes to hear you express yourself, whether it's through soft whispers or loud cries of ecstasy. The sound of shared pleasure only serves to heighten the experience for both of you.

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

Logan has a secret obsession with role-playing scenarios, particularly ones where he gets to assume dominant roles. He loves the idea of dressing up as a doctor or a police officer, commanding you to undress and submit to him. He also enjoys pretending to be a wealthy businessman, demanding obedience from you in exchange for lavish gifts or exclusive access to his company. This side of him remains hidden from most people, but it's a significant part of his sexual fantasy life.

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)

His cock is 8 inches long, thick, and always hard. It has a perfect curve with a large glans that always stands at attention. The head is always dripping with pre-cum. He's uncut, so his foreskin stretches back far, adding even more length to his already impressive girth. His balls are large and full, always tight and chocked full of cum

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

10/10. His sex drive is incredibly high, bordering on insatiable once he has you. He can find himself thinking about sex throughout the day, fantasizing about various scenarios and where to do so. Even when he's engaged in other activities, his mind often wanders back to the pleasures of the flesh. It takes a lot to satisfy him.

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

He may stay awake a bit longer, enjoying the closeness and the quiet moments of contentment you share afterward. You might cuddle, talk, or even indulge in another round or two of lovemaking. But ultimately, exhaustion wins out, and he slips into slumber alongside you, feeling satisfied and fulfilled.

[thenightshadowqueen]

Divorces and Teddy Bears—Watchthrough Thoughts

I’m not sure if anyone likes reading these, but I do, and I figure I can’t be the only one, so here we go. (Plus, they’re fun to make.)

The little card and “beginning-middle-end” editing is amazing

The presents in the title card being addressed to “Peter Steven”, “Priscilla”, and “Johnny and Janae”??????? They know their fanbase; I died

I love this stage

Also captions!!!

I love Luke being so confused at the beginning and just going “Oh!” when he gets it

“I was dressed as a sheep” ah, taking lessons from Sam, are we?

AJ’s sassy walk!!!!!!!

Okay I love Mrs. Claus holy shit

“Leave the keys in the sled, yes. So I can start the engine of the sled.” I love it when Sam points out logic flaws without even breaking character (although I also love it when he breaks character too)

Poor Snowdrop, being assigned as the child of divorce and forced into the middle

Also Luke’s hair???? He looks amazing

The camera quality is great as well

“We feed directly on your emotions. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner.” Luke????

Congrats to Luke for finally getting his diagnosis!

Also Luke directing the audience to cheer for him and then to stop is amazing (reminds me a bit of that clip of him getting the room to be quiet in that recent Genre game)

Tom changing the scene just to crouch behind the chair… This caught me so off guard (in the best way possible)

I know someone already said this but Little Krampus has huge Scottish Robin vibes

Also I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: how the FUCK does Tom move like that?

Tom stroking at a strand of Luke’s hair like that is so weird and I’m here for it; Tom’s character choices are always top-notch

I think “sassy women who fly to warm places to cheat on their husbands with men called Javier” is my favourite niche sub-genre of AJ character (insert that thing about nickels and things happening twice) (shoutout to Tracy) (also I know that Tracy didn’t canonically sleep with Javier but like… she totally did, right?) (or with a different Javier) (there are always plenty of Javiers available in the SFTHverse) (and she has been fucking everyone (direct quote from her))

I love it when AJ fucks up some tiny, barely-significant thing and Sam just CANNOT let it go and it becomes an actual plot point

AJ’s passport photo poses are gorgeous

“The most wanted terrorist in the North Pole” Jesus Christ Sam

Also tangent but can I just say that AJ wearing friendship bracelets is everything (and am I right in saying that I think those were the ones made by fans? Or am I misremembering? Because if they are that is so fucking sweet)

Now I really want to learn more about the Great Battle

Sassy Tom!!!! I love sassy Tom

The Sam and Luke elves remind me of the Oompa Loompas from West End Big Boys

I love Luke’s determination to climb on Sam and Sam’s determination to prevent it

“~Rudolph motherfucker~” have I mentioned that I love AJ?

Audience to the rescue!

“Initiating micro-space” AJ???

Javier having basically all of his buttons undone… Xavier flashbacks, anyone? (Also, Tom having basically all of his buttons undone… he definitely remembers the latest DnD livestream)

“I was expecting a sexy lady with a big beard” hell yeah, bearded women!

“Is [having your shirt unbuttoned] the local custom?” “No, only when we are awaiting a lover. Which, again, you are not; you are two children.” I love that Tom has to remind Sam to not unbutton his shirt because… it’s Sam

“My manservant was surprised” one, of course Javier had a manservant, and two, they need to stop making me think of BBC Merlin because it kills me every single fucking time

Luke just casually telling this random man that he’s 2000 years old… god, they really do never leave the North Pole, do they?

“Tell me a little less” I love Tom

“I’m definitely the receiver in the relationship” TOM (but also good for Javier)

AJ oh my fucking god

“That’s how it works up there” god I love Sam’s very specific “suspension of disbelief” voice

“That looks like a plot point that’s almost been abandoned” Tom is amazing

Oh, Luke, you’ve just set yourself up for another Pocket scenario

“I just wanted the pussy” Tom

“You know it’s casual” does she? Because she’s moving halfway around the world for him

“Wow, that sounds very transactional to me” I mean… yeah. Yeah, it does

“Hey, let’s not blame someone with a disorder, shall we?” I love Sam holy shit

Tom singing!!!!!!!!!!!! He sounds so creepy??????? He’s doing an amazing job

“~I just realised there’s no cable on this mic at all~” Tom has been freed!

Oh my god I love seeing Tom so happy

Tom’s villains are always amazing for a lot of reasons but especially his physicality???

Tom is having so much fun

AJ’s expression when Tom puts their faces close together is amazing; it’s like, “I have no idea what the fuck you’re doing but I’m going with it”

“Poor little teddy bear Christmas man.” I love Tom trying to bring back the title (“I have so many names and that is not one of them”)

LUKE!!!! (his Little Krampus movements are amazing)

Also Snowdrop :(

AJ just staring blankly into the camera is so fucking creepy

Luke good fucking god

Thought we were going to get a kiss for a second there…

Sam singing!!!!

I love the audience singalongs!

AJ singing!!!!

Holy shit I love this play

Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates!

[relativelydimensional]

bestie what are some of your merthur fic recs

Omg who me? stooppp <3

Okay so I used to read a LOT of merthur fics back around 2011-2013 and have only recently hopped back on the bandwagon so this will be a mix of some oldies i've revisited and some newer fics that have made me insane :))))

0. this one goes without saying but The Student Prince is seriously one of the best fics in any fandom i've ever read to this day. I relisten to the podfic every single year and it SLAPS every time. If you haven't listened/read recently this is obviously my #1 rec hahahha

Okay onto some actual recs

1. Tired by spqr

King Arthur gets enchanted and keeps having dreams about his court sorcerer merlin :))))) He obviously doesn't say this to Merlin, but Merlin notices he's not been sleeping and Arthur comes clean about having 'nightmares.' When Merlin tries to figure out a counterspell, he accidentally casts it on himself and ohh nooo they're both having sexy dreams about each other but also have to act normal in real life ITS SO YUM. This fic was surprisingly soft, like yes they are having some full on dreams but also the bits that made me extra insane were just the little soft moments between non-dream merthur 🥺

This was a school holidays read and i remember reading this in the staff room of the elementary school i was working at trying so hard not to SCREAM. At one point i had to go on a spirited walk around the building just to get my energy out because it was JUICY.

If you like: canon era fics, court sorcerer merlin, the intimacy of domesticity, arthur with a beard and merthur being so in love but also fucking clueless about it this the fic for you <3

2. But It's a Good Refrain by lady_ragnell

Merlin runs a relationship advice/matchmaking service radio show and Arthur's ex calls in and rips into him on air. Arthur calls in to defend himself and he and Merlin butt heads. An oldie but such a goodie. I love this one because the characterisation feels very natural. Plus i loooove arthur POV fics. Merthur are so sweet in this one and i love love love the dynamic of their respective friendship groups merging. It also features the fandom favourite m/f crack ship that is elena and gwaine which im always here for.

If you like: silly modern AU friend group nonsense, Arthur POV fics, snarky Morgana, and a fic writer who understands the sheer power merlin emrys' 🥺 face would have over not only Arthur but literally ANYONE who looks at him, this is the fic for you.

3. Second Chances by DragonDucks

This is a canondivergence/fix-it fic set immediately after Arthur dies in 5x13. In this version Arthur tells Merlin he loves him with his dying breath and Merlin's magic sort of implodes sending him back in time to 1x1. So it's like sad s5 Merlin getting a second chance to save Arthur in the body of tiny baby s1 merlin.

I'm gonna be honest i'm still reading this one but it has me kicking and screaming!!!! Most of the dialogue is repurposed from the show which makes it extra juicy to me and its just delicious i love it so much. The POV switches between S5 mourning merlin and S1 gay panic arthur and its soooooo good i'm loving it so far. Some of the side characterisation is a little weird but Merthur are PERFECT. It NAILS that yummy introverted Arthur and fond Merlin characterisation.

If you like: canon era fix it fics, time travel, Arthur pendragon falling in love with merlin bit by bit and actually having space and time to grow as a person, and merlin emrys being like no everyone shut up about my destiny i just wanna have a good time with my boyfriend, this is the fic for you.

4. All is Semblative by Whitefox

I just fucking love crossdressing fics okay 😇. This is cinderella meets Merthur. Uther is throwing a ball to find Arthur a bride and servants aren't allowed. Out of spite (and, lets be real, also jealousy) Merlin tries to disguise himself to sneak in and ends up accidentally turning himself into a princess. Arthur hits it off with a weird but beautiful mystery princess who turns out to be his manservant he's been in love with this whole time. Simples.

If you like: Prince Arthur knowing about merlin's magic and being cool with it, fairytale AUs, accidental genderbending (but still canonically mlm merthur), and arthur pendragon singlehandedly embodying demisexual panic this is the fic for you.

5/6. As Long As We Have We AND No Matter How Far Away You Roam by lady_ragnell

Lady Ragnell again because I looove the way they do modern day Arthur. and i've been going through their stuff. These are both super cute christmas fics (I know its a little early but I couldn't help myself). In the first one, Uther has just died (rip uther you will not be missed) and Arthur accidentally collects lonely friends to spend christmas with him in the empty house. At the same time he befriends Merlin, the owner of his local bookstore, and merlin brings his own group of strays to Arthur's christmas...and obviously everyone gets along super well and merthur fall in love. The second one is a fake dating. T get his parents off his back, Arthur lies to Uther and Igraine that he and merlin have been together for years and Merlin (plus his mum and his sister Freya) has to play along one christmas..and obviously everyone gets along....and obviously everyone gets along super well and merthur fall in love.

If you like: found family, cute christmas fics and fluffy merthur these fics are the ones for you!

Also pls if anyone has any canon era secret dating merthur fics i beg of you please send them my way 🥺

[chiwhorei]

OOOOH THE BOYS uhmmm what abt gross daddy butcher ! butcher who's possessive of his little girl, keeping her locked up tight, hidden away from anything and everything that could hurt her.

Now Daddy Billy is a goOD DADDY. I feel like went a little crazy with this but the bugs in my brain wouldn’t let me stopp. Cough cough, my fatherless behavior, that’s the bugs.

Tags: incest, stalking, debugging, noncon, manipulation, daddy issues for REAL ૮₍ ˃ ⤙ ˂ ₎ა♡

Daddy Billy who would would have Grace looking after you your whole life so no one hurts you. That means he was never around, but that was for the best- that’s what he’d tell himself at least. You aren’t just the most important thing in Billy’s life, your the only thing important to him. Billy is motivated by your existence alone, running towards a finish line, checking off names on a kill list to make it safe enough of a world for you.

The first time you meet Billy Butcher is at a bar close to campus, you’re out from Grace’s nose for the first time in your life, trying to have all of the normal-young-adult experiences.

That’s when you meet a man old enough to be your father.

He’s rough around the edges for sure but there’s something about the older man that seems to be dragging you towards him. Maybe it’s the fatherless behavior your friends always rib you about. He’s tall, undeniably handsome and has a sexy accent. His black hair and beard is peppered with gray, he’s got a jagged scar above one eye and his hands are covered in bruises and scratches.

Billy introduces himself with his real first name, testing the waters to see if Grace had told you anything she shouldn’t have. You introduce yourself with a clueless, glossy smile. He buys you a fruity drink and you laugh at his jokes. He lets you bitch about the stupid frat guy that just broke your heart, he even offers to kill ‘em if you give Billy his address. You laugh that off too, but there is intent behind his words that you don’t pick up on.

For a second Billy feels like the most normal person in the world. You’re not the daughter he’s been keeping tabs on since you moved to the city— now mere inches away from him instead of states apart. And he’s not the bastard everyone else knows him as, crawling around in your peripherals looking for a chance to pounce.

He shouldn’t have invited you back to his place, but you were far too drunk to walk home alone- plus his apartment is just around the corner! You wobble on your heels following him inside, and Billy catches you.

You start babbling and hiccuping and squirming in his arms. You’re body is feeling heavy and your head is foggy, usually just one drink doesn’t get you more than a little tipsy.

“How’s about Daddy takes care of you tonight, sweetheart?” And you giggle into Billy’s neck, nodding and running your fingers through the rough hair on his face.

“You- you wanna be my daddy?” You look up at him with lidded eyes, he brushes a fallen eyelash from your cheek.

“That’s all I’ve ever wanted.” You don’t catch the subtext between slow blinks, looking up at your father with no idea what you’ve gotten yourself into.

Billy makes a mental note to not dose you this strong next time, he almost feels bad at how out of it your are. But you also fall into the mattress so easy and you arch your back so pretty when Daddy’s hands paw at your ass.

He fucks you raw and deep. You cry out for your daddy and beg to be his good little girl. You want nothing more than to be a daddy’s girl, even barely conscious. That burns in Billy’s blood, pumping into your poor pussy even harder. He’s got a lot of making up to do.

[howdoyousleep3]

If the mood strikes, my dream fic from you would be about Daddy Ari lovin’ on a lady who is thicccc (with at least four c’s…and some accompanying triple D’s) but also able to handle him just right, if you know what I mean. 😈

It became a thing, I couldn't resist. This felt very therapeutic for me and I loved every second of it. Shoutout to Husband for making me two espresso martinis that inadvertently pushed me to finish this. Shoutout to the espresso martinis for making me extra horny for this. Thank you bby nonnie for this blessed Ask. 😮‍💨❤️‍🔥

notable tags: reader insert, plus size reader, size difference, size kink, nipple play, sexual awakening (of sorts), daddy kink, multiple orgasms, love at first fuck sight, comeplay, dirty talk (this man 😤), a bit of a subby daddy ari word count: 1.7K song inspo

"Baby...baby, you're gonna kill me. Fuck, have mercy, sugar..."

You can't remember a time when you've felt this powerful while in bed with someone else. Your fingers dig into the meat of Ari's hairy pecs as you rock your hips selfishly, mouth dropping open when his cock, every deliciously thick inch of it, stretches the walls of your pussy out.

Rarely do you ever agree to ride someone. Rarely do you enjoy it, rarely do you feel sexy on top, rarely do you get lost in the swirls of confidence and desire and eroticism of it.

But Ari is different.

You can count on one hand the amount of times someone has made you feel wanted, has made you feel craved like he does. You aren't the type of person who can easily find someone so compatible that you end up in bed together. You have high standards brought on by insecurities, ones that most people aren't willing to meet.

It took one look at Ari Levinson as he walked into your boss's office, big and burly and openly flirty, to know that he'd set the new bar for any future lover.

"Fuck, m'gonna keep you," he hollers and growls almost to himself, leaning up onto his elbows to get a better look at the show you're putting on. "Gonna keep you here all for myself, pretty girl. Ain't ever gettin' rid'a me after this, not when you take my cock like some sort'a goddamn professional, fuck me."

One paw for a hand comes up to smack at your ass, fingers digging into the meat of your hip so hard it forces a whimper from your mouth. You love it.

You don't think about your body as you bounce on him, about his hands as they continue to grab and squeeze you all over. In fact, you find the headiness of it hot, his touches going right to your head as much as they do your swollen pussy.

He's already made you come once all over his beard and you're well on your way to a second one. You can't see an end in sight though; there's no way your hunger for him will ever dwindle.

"Ari," you whine, long and pitiful, a pout of a noise that hits him right where you want it to, just as his cock does inside of you. You whine again when your rocking turns into frantic grinding, reveling in the stretch of his cock and the rub of your clit. He groans, thick and gravelly, hands coming up to squeeze at your tits. Fuck.

“Yeah baby, yeah you better take it, take what’s yours. Come all over my cock, lemme feel it. Fuck, you’re perfect, look at you just take it like it's yours. Don’t make me beg for it, sugar. Come on…”

His mouth on your nipples is what does it, the way he sucks each sensitive nub into his mouth, suckling on it hungrily as you fuck yourself in his lap. It sparks deep pleasure within you, stirring in your tummy and spreading to your clit. He holds you over him, paws squeezing your tits together to better glide his mouth between each nipple, his muffled moans sounding like pleas and making you ache.

The scratch of his beard on your sensitive skin, the selfless way he lets you take, the ache of the walls of your pussy as your grind in tight— you shatter apart within seconds.

Your ears ring with the force of your climax, your body stunned by the intensity of it. No one has ever made you come like this. You sound like you’re sobbing as you shake apart on top of him, thighs trembling, elbows locked as you continue to let him suck loudly at your heavy tits. Your pussy trembles around his length, milking him for everything he’s worth, desperate for his own release alongside yours.

You’re about to collapse on top of him, dizzy with the aftershocks of your orgasm, when you’re suddenly moving, being turned and flipped easily onto your back.

No one has ever manhandled you either. You smile before you can process your thoughts, already knowing that you like it, no— you love it.

Even given your size, a size that has scared cowards away in the past, he still manages to make you feel dainty and teeny.

You swear you aren't going to let him go after this either.

“Look at’chu smilin’ while you get dicked down, you pretty fuckin’ baby. My cock put that smile on your face? Huh?” Ari huffs out against your lips, nipping at your chin when you giggle, laying himself out on top of you. Your giggle morphs right into a throaty moan when Ari reaches down and takes his cock in hand, slipping it back into your pussy without hesitation.

When you squeeze yourself around him the moment he’s pressed in to the hilt, greedy for him and slipping your fingers through his hair pushily, Ari growls.

“You’re gonna make me fall in love if you keep up shit like that, sweetheart.”

You squeeze yourself around him again, once and then twice, a smile spreading across your lips once more even when he wraps one of those big hands around the front of your throat. If it's supposed to be some sort of threat, he doesn't know who he's up against or who he's unleashed inside of you.

And he falters within a few pumps of his hips.

"Fuck baby," he groans, pressing his forehead against yours as his hands slip back down to grab and squeeze at your tits. They've always been sensitive, almost too much so, but when Ari touches them in the selfish way that he does, it takes your sensitivity to an entirely new level.

“It’s like you were made for me," he pants out as he fucks into you, the slick noises of your pussy hitting your ears and making you flush. "No one can just…just take this dick. Can take me. You know that?"

You don't have the energy to slow your little fucked-out noises long enough to tell him that very few people have what it takes to deal with you as well. Instead you tug at his hair and widen your legs further around his burly waist, welcoming him deeper into your body.

"And you're out here making it look easy, like it's a privilege, like it's what you're meant to do."

Your head spins as he kneads at your tits hungrily, growling as he mouths at them before pulling back to sit up. The fluidity of his movements, the way he continues to dig into that sweet spot inside of you with his cock, is almost masterful.

"Ari...Ari, you feel so good, you—"

"Oh baby, make a man's dreams come true," he interrupts you in a rush, rumbling as he squeezes at your belly, the new angle making you damn near squeal. "Call me 'Daddy', sugar. Tell Daddy he feels so good stretchin' your pretty pussy out."

His words light you the fuck up. He has continued to run his mouth about how perfect you are when he's straight out of your dirtiest, most wettest of dreams. And you don't hesitate to give him exactly what he wants.

You bring your hands up to cup your shoulders, smushing your tits together and letting them bounce with Ari's harsh thrusts, and let out the prettiest whine you can manage when you're this close to passing out from getting the best dick of your life.

"Make my...make my pretty pussy feel so good, Daddy."

"Oh my god," Ari raggedly moans, his eyelids falling closed and his hips stuttering as your words are processed. And you can't help yourself, not when you so obviously have this great of an effect on Daddy. Not when you're both so incredibly close to sharing an orgasm.

"Come in my pussy, Daddy. Want you to drop that big Daddy load in my pretty pussy."

Ari’s holler almost startles you, the guffaw of disbelief coupled with a throaty groan making you giggle into your own moan. Your moan leaves you in a rush when he shoves at the back of your knees, pressing you further into the mattress. The movement tightens your channel up to the point where you feel tears well up in your eyes.

Everything feels so hot as you watch him watch your pussy get fucked.

"M'gonna come on those fuckin' tits," is what he moans raggedly, thick chest heaving as he pants. "Let Daddy come on those pretty tits, baby. Let him save this sweet...sweet pussy for next time."

You nod your head eagerly and find yourself pleading with him as soon as you hear his request.

"You touch yourself and make yourself come with me, you hear me?"

"Mhmm yes, Daddy."

"Fuck me..."

The moment Ari's jaw drops open, his fist flying over his cock as he looks down at you, you feel the burn of an orgasm in your core. How could you do anything but come when he's looking at you like this? Your fingers swirl over your clit just as requested, the poor, abused numb, swollen and achy. It's the perfect sensation to go along with your view.

This has to be the hottest thing you've ever witnessed.

"Fuck, ask me one more time, baby. Please, please tell Daddy—"

"Daddy, please! Come on these titties, Daddy. They're yours, they're all yours. Make them messy, make 'em—"

"Jesus Christ, m'gonna come. Daddy's comin', baby..."

You're going to come. You're going to come at the same time as Ari is, legs spread wide in the air, rubbing at your clit.

It seems this is a night of firsts.

The first splash of hot come across your chest does you in this time around. Instead of your ears ringing, your ears are filled with the noises of Ari coming, his grunts and gasps, his bitten off curses and your name.

You eagerly press your chest out in a display of complete submission as you come, your climax feeling less like waves and more like shocks of pleasure, some almost painful. You manage to moan out Ari's name, his newfound title as well, and when he lets go of his twitching cock, his fingers quickly find his mess on your tits.

The last shocks of your orgasm leave your system the moment his come-covered fingers slip between your willing lips.

You suck them down greedily.

Ari's moan sounds like thunder all around you.

"Yeah, there's no way in hell you're gettin’ rid'a me, pretty girl..."

[whoishotteranimepolls]

Fandom Observation Funny tags: One Piece Marines

Due to character limits, the funny tags post has had to be broken up into multiple parts

This post contains the tags for all the Marines plus Cipher Pol. I ran into a little issue with character limits again because someone, and they know who they are, got carried away with their love of smoker. At least they're entertaining, plus I don't mind. They're one of my favorite followers because of their tags

Admirals

Akainu: "The world's next top authoritarian," magma Daddy, "He makes donuts and I still love him" “akainu looks like a toxic yaoi seme in a yakuza story (this is hot) (100% would let him do to me what toxic yaoi semes do to poor unfortunate ukes)” “akainu is too wide and stiff. He'd probably loosen up if I gave him a blowjob but I wouldn't because he's ugly and a bad person” “I like scars.” “proof that a beard can change men” “yo sakazuki is hot PERIODT. However post-ts has a little goatee and that's fucking sexy as shit love that love you daddy sakazaddy yum” “My baby daddy looks hot in both versions though😍😍😍” “pre timeskip because he's only a cop then and not the head of all cops” “are people voting like literally hotter? cos that burgundy outfit has only been worn better by Doflamingo and the sakazuki camellia (like that’s its actual cutivar-synonymous with Sakazukiba apparently) like I’m guessing it’s the fire joke cos I love pink and red together and it’s one of the few redeeming features of akainu well he’s still got the camellia in the second but it’s striking in the first against the red” “reblogging bc this is the funniest picture of akainu ive ever seen bless u op reminds me of the ‘mom says it’s my turn on the xbox’ memes”

Fujitora: "fujitora yes plz that like calm collected way he fights makes me KNOW hed take care of his partner real good", "have you seen how he slurps his noodles? I just know he could eat me out in ways I could never imagine"

Kizaru: “We are losing but we are free Borsalino” “Borsi Baby” “

Sengoku: “Sengoku is no villain” “Don't think he gets enough love especially since he's probably packing”

Ryokugyu: "I'm a sucker for plant/earth based powers, can't help it. Plus he's got the lovely shirt allergy. And he is genuinely better looking than Volcano Gru.” “

Shockingly, no Kuzan yet if anyone would like to change that

Vice admirals

Doll: “not to be a marinefucker but if doll doesn't win i call conspiracy” “VOTE VICE ADMIRAL DOLL she'll punch you so hard your grandparents will feel it but thats kinda hot so” “doll is stupidly hot hot take shes hotter than boa”

Garp: “garp all the way his scottish accent does it for me and the salt and pepper look” “Objectively? Garp. However he loses points for being a pig” “uh oh i have gender envy for garp but” “I just have to clarify, because I went through the tags. That is not a Scottish accent you're hearing from Garp, it's Welsh. Vincent Regan is Welsh, which is still a Celt but completely different from a Scottish. For starters, you can understand him and that is the biggest hint that it's not Scottish you will ever get.” “monkey d garp should show me what the d in his name stands for” “garp lost this because y'all are FUCKING COWARDS don't worry gramps i got ya

Smoker: "Smokedaddy", "Smokestack. 'Ole Smokey. Smokin' Hot Smoker", "smokers allergy to keeping his Tits covered compels me", "i do love smoked sausage i'm sorry i'll see myself out", "smoker he's just so beefy like fuckkk and he's like almost 40 i just wanna be smokers lil housewife", "smoker is a beautiful lesbian to me", "smoked sausage I just *know* he's got more to work with than a cocktail weenie", "SMOKEYBEAR PAPA SMOKE MY KING i would smoke him like a chimney if you're pickin up what I'm putting down wink wink nudge nudge he really would kill my lungs but it'd be a fun time", "SMOKER PAPUCHO RICO I NEED HIM", "smoker is solid (despite being made of smoke)", "smoker. smo-yan. ultimate "guy who is allergic to wearing shirts" and honestly? he's so right for that. he needs to show off his tits! in a one piece man boob ranking he's coming number 2 (after crocodile) i said this in dms earlier today but it needs to be released to the world "fat d*ck fat tits fat ass he has it all" smoker is PACKINNNNN in every way he's genuinely so attractive, even just considering him physically and look at his sexy facial scar also (beck also has one. very good) and his slicked back short hair.....not to mention the things that are very endearing about him personality wise - he does masculinity like NOBODY ELSE. genuinely NO ONE does it like him like. he's gruff but he has a very strong personal moral code and he really *does* care..... the man's a tsundere and he's never been cruel to those undeserving like in his introduction - kids bumps into him, spills ice cream on his pants YOU KNOW WHAT SMOKER SAYS? YK WHAT HE SAYS? "my pants ate your ice cream." KILL ME NOWWWWWW HES SO FUCKING HOT IM EATING MY OWN HANDS and then he GIVES THE KID MONEY TO BUY MORE ICE CREAM. jesus christ smoker big d*ick big tits big heart i fucking love him good god", "something something vague moaning sounds I would call him smokey just to provoke him",

Smoker continued: “daddy smoker you may not win any fights in op but you CAN win this poll <3” “Smoker there's zero competition sorry. i think i got pregnant just watching him in punk hazard.”  “Smoker? I hardly know 'er-” “gotta add to that wonderful smokersweep 👀✌️✨” “smoker for the voice and drive” “while i am usually a horny demented sex freak, smoker is cool because of his moral compass, the way he treats regular civilians, and the rack of cigs he keeps on him 24/7” “Why is Smoker attractive? Excuse me, he is 6'10 and exudes Daddy Dom energy, and due to his logia fruit, he comes with his own unique form of bondage. Smoke cuffs, anyone? I want to be his naughty little Marine or pirate, whatever he's into. I also think there could be some other kinky implications of his devil fruit, but I won't get into it here. I'm already gladly going to horny jail for this” “SINCE WHEN WAS SMOKER 6'10???” “That intro should be enough to persuade anyone. That Smoker is the bestest boy. Then post time skip he became the beefiest boy” "Listen. Smoker's a big muscular man who's canonically good with kids. He also refuses to NOT walk around bare chested” “can he stub those cigars out on me. please. please. plea- [comically large piano falls on me, cutting off my speech]” “a part two to my smoker defense, now that ive been given permission to talk about his dick: the man is the definition of a service dom. he could be mean, sweet, whatever you want. whatever you *need*. as others have mentioned, he's tall as fuck. he's built like a brick shithouse. he could manhandle you, fuck you against a wall, hold you up in front of a mirror, countless other positions... and the smoke. position awkwardness is no longer a thing. your partner can't reach something? not anymore ! smoke hand ! and, of course, the gags, the handcuffs, the blindfolds.... all made of smoke.... is it not intimate, to have restraints be made of your partners own powers? i'm not even into daddy kink but if he asked me to call him that? i'm down. would do anything for this man / would let this man do anything to me. also just look at him and tell me his dick's not as thick as a beer ca- [i am pushed into oncoming traffic]” “come on. you can't look me dead in the eye and tell me you don't think smoker would make a great father. Due to this, i would gladly let him rail me into a wall while im gagged with his smoke until im stuffed fuller than luffy during his fight with croco in alabasta.” “wdym I'm older than Smoker ??!!” “He's a gruff tough guy who if a girl walks into him and drops her ice cream, he'll buy her extra scoops.” “hes buff hes gruff he wont take no guff hes got the right stuff” “I just yelled so loud bc smoker? a baddie? I mean I guess but 😭😭😭” “if smoker is a villain then by god im fucking the evil hes not a villain???? hes my babygirl. who im going to get pregnant or the other way around im not picky” (Note: 70% or more of the smoker section was made up of tags by one person. That person was @badtzbot. If you want to thank them)

Tsuru: “tsuru is a queen” “im gonna be so honest with you. six-foot-eight gilf appreciation hours” “tsurus so hot gilf of all time”

Other Marines

Helmeppo: “y'all are sleeping on helmeppo” “everyone forgot about a certain sword scene mhmm you fools”

Hina: “it's hina 100% hello? have you heard her voice?? also she smokes (not hot to me irl. very hot in fiction)”

Koby: “Koby tf?? Hr got them sad wide eyes n I love that for him He's like a pink baby cat I wanna squeeze n hug him”

Tashigi: “i love tashigi i will forever love tashigi FUCK YOU GUYS she's my BABYGIRL !!!! how can you not fall for that autism sword rizz that heart of gold and strong moral compass she shares with smoker her cute little face….. she could probably benchpress me man shes probably super strong i want to take her out on a date and compliment her and fluster her and and and” “The Tashigi agenda is dying…”

Cipher Pol

Lucci: “good to see lucci and his stupid beard is in last place” “kind of want to be railed by his hybrid form so I have to vote for him”

Kaku: “if his nose is square does that mean his dick is too? just asking”

[beardedherculestrucker]

Richard, an unbelievably thick and wide mate of Hinrich and his lover Günther, already made his first experiences with owning a private prison plus many, many prisoners:

these people are starving, maltreated refugees...

this ultra right-wing adonis dismembers them all!

The ultimate fascist dreambull definately never jizzes his cum off better than by slashing his victims,

this huge beast is always horny as fuck!

Those prisoners lost their lives because this cute, handsome musclemonster was too rough to them in his sexual arousal:

what this ultrathick and absolute sexy bull does to his victims is so incredibly cruel- the emphatic and squimish should stop reading any further!

For those who are willing to bear the deeds of awesome musclebull Richard, here is a detailed part of his life as an irresistible slasher:

Richard takes a long baseball bat, opens the door to one of the many prison cells, he owns.

He shouts in a loud, manly voice, pointing at a

7 years old girl and forces her to come out;

the frightened jewish girl comes out of her cell; she has to walk along a corridor to a small torture room...huge Richard waddles behind her, getting a hard-on already!

This giant has to waddle because his proportions are too big to walk normally: the tighs alone had such enormous measurements, the legmuscles rub against each other when walking, what always feels very sexy for a big built musclebeast, so it is with big daddy Richard:-)

Having arrived at the torture room, the burly fascist pushed the tiny girl into the room: he gave her a brutal kick in the back with one of his shiny, big leatherboots- she fell to the ground with a very sad cry...

wow, Richard got so horny, he had to grab his big sized cock and massaged the glans through the fabric of his beige SS military trousers...

But this ultra-thick adonis didn't want to give the little jewish slut time to rest, she should get her treament short and very rough!

The irresistable massive musclemonster opened the buttons of his sexy Nazi uniform trousers and got his sticky dick and his big hairy balls out; while he is now beating the girl up with strong blows of the wooden bat,

he wanked a bit- that felt so good:

this handsome, massive fascist was horny as fuck:

"Fuuuuuuck", Richard shouted-he grinned a cheeky grin:

The burly racist had a hot, trimmed salt&pepper beard: the chinhair was already light grey:

Richard is a mature man (the musclebear is 68 years old!!), what makes his beatings and slashings much sexier to watch!

Daddy is grabbing his huge dick and squeezes the pre-cum out of the of the cleft of his glans;

and back to his little victim:

this notorious brutal hangman with big as can be musclemass takes his wooden baseball bat and continues to beat the life out of this little jewish scum:

blow after blow is more hefty now: in a sexual rage, the totally handsome son of a bitch smashes the girls jaws and the nose- blood splattered:

Richard felt, he would shoot his aryan cum very soon...

The huge, fullbearded stud turns around to take a big axe that was lying on the floor in his torture room;

by coincidence he touches his glans and shoots off a part of his load:

he was too much aroused sexually, so this can happen to a very horny man...

...but fortunately, it was not all of his cum, so he could still continue mistreating his poor victim for another 10 to 20 minutes and get hornier and hornier while beating her up until she's not recognizable any more!

Before the bigmuscled bull smashes her to death, he thought, it might be even hotter, he dismembers her while she's still alive..

Oh my god, he was never hornier than right now: this will be the hottest way to shoot his load:

while he smashes his victims into pieces, he will be jerking off on her bodyparts, lying on the torture room floor!

With his thick, cumdripping cock out of his trousers, the sexy giant makes strong blows with his axe and chops up the little body of the young girl: her screams of absolutely agony make his prick even thicker and harder!

This absolute dream of a handsome, bearded musclebull took the axe and chopped off one arm after the other- next where both legs:

Cute looking Richard felt his cum about to explode, so he quickly began to smash the jewish girls head: when he swung to strike the axe to crush the child's head, his cumload jizzed out of the cleft of his glance: right on the girls leftovers!

"Aaaaaahhhhhfuuuuuucckkk", the handsome fascist musclebull shouted when he ended the life of his 11th victim this month...and came all over her!

What does this very goodlooking racist do with all his victims, when the are only a big pile of remains?

Richard throws 'em in a big pit...sometimes, this incredibly big fascist bull has to pee...does he go to a toilet?

No: the sexy, darkbearded musclemonster opens his fly, gets his thick, wet cock out and piSSes on the dismembered bodies...

...this is so very much depraved, good lord!

[someuncreativity]

Fuck it here’s part two of

My Ranking of How Quickly I’d Let These Fictional Men Rearrange My Organs

Still BotW/TotK edition because look at these men

You get the point, it’s gonna be hella NSFW because read the title

Oh but also this time I’m formatting the prompts like Stanzi Potenza’s “Animated Men I Would Sell My Body To At a Discount Price, The Discount Being Free Because I Would Never Make These Fine Gentlemen Pay For a Whore Like Me” series on YouTube

Cuz why not

But also this is just me thirsting after the most atrocious and/or attractive men in the Zelda universe

6. Master Kogha

This man may not be a fine dining experience, but he’s definitely worth your time for a banana or two.

A solid six-out-of-ten, the only thing that rivals your hatred for his superhero alter ego is his dad bod that puts furry artists on Twitter to shame.

They say that everything’s better with friends, and this man has a couple that would sweeten the deal, and as it happens, red spandex is absolutely up my alley.

A dork playing glorified dress-up doesn’t sound fun until his devotion to a demon king threatens an entire nation, and I am 100% here for it.

5. Revali

Fun fact, my favorite bird to eat is chicken, partially because I’m basic, but also because I could see myself sinking my canines into that cock.

His aim is im-peck-able, pun intended and unashamed, and he’s certain to get a bullseye into my heart.

I know he’s an egomaniac, but in the deep, dark, crevices of my mind, I know he’s mentally ruined. It’s the lifelong trauma and the “I can fix him” for me.

I love Rito clothing, especially since this man’s version of is the sluttiest thing on earth. After looking at him, I’m certain I’m not getting cold anytime soon.

He could treat me like the scum of the earth and I’d still be on all fours polishing his arrow free of charge. He’s like if a Disney prince realized he was a Disney prince.

4. Daruk

The only Goron I’d let pound me like a quarry, this man has warmed my heart like the fiery maw of his hometown’s tourist trap.

I could write a fifty-page essay about how this man’s kindness makes My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic look like more of a joke than it already is.

I know what I’ve said about Gorons literally crushing me to death, but as long as his words of encouragement are the last thing I hear as he erupts inside of me like Death Mountain, that’s all that really matters.

That loincloth isn’t doing much in the way of covering up his Boulder Breaker, and for that, I thank the weak fabric for its service to our nation. On the plus side, it’s white, so if he ever walks in the rain, that cloth’s purpose in life will have been fulfilled.

The fact that he has a grandson makes him not just a DILF but a GILF. In my opinion, fathers age like wine, so this is a win-win for me.

Combined with his white beard which resembles a mane more than facial hair, he’s like Santa if Santa was somehow both more and less cuddly at the same time.

And I know he’s afraid of dogs, but personally, that’s fine. I’m more of a cat person anyway.

3. Teba

Take everything I said about Revali and multiply it by the “white hair equals sexy” principle, and you have the new Rito chief.

I didn’t think it was possible to find anyone edgier than the spirit inside of the Master Sword, but here we are.

It is taking every ounce of my soul not to say “I can fix him” because clearly, I can’t and he doesn’t want me to.

. I would let him cry his heart out after nearly losing everything near and dear to him. There’s no shame, sweetie.

His wings are long, and I know of a few things that are longer. Given that he has procreated, it’s clear that the hot springs aren’t the only things that’ll be hot and steamy after a night with him.

Speaking of which, he’s a loving parent and a loving husband, which makes him a DILF, and let me tell you, the second that word becomes an adjective, the snow isn’t the only white thing covering the Hebra mountains.

If he could fly me into the skies, I would watch the sunset with him in silence as we realized the real magic was inside us all along or something like that. Whatever makes him happy, and yes, if he asks for it, that includes me swallowing a few of his bird eggs.

2. Tauro

Finally, a himbo the people can rely on.

We love seeing strong, partially-head-empty men being strong, partially-head-empty men.

Only I’m pretty sure this himbo is actually smart.

Idk I haven’t played enough or focused enough in Kakariko to find out lol

This man is investigating the ring ruins but he forgot about the ring he he to put on my finger.

He is giving “I’m going to save the world” and we love that. If you don’t, I see why- I did just say I liked villains- but I’m a double-sided coin.

Speaking of coins, flip one: head or tails? Which part of me is going to need to be replaced by Rauru? I don’t know, and quite frankly, I don’t care.

I personally have some depths for him to explore, and let me tell you, it’s gonna be the cave feeling his gloom infiltrate every orifice instead, and the cave will thank him.

His hair is giving the Hot Topic version of Melanie Martinez, and let me tell you, if I wasn’t a Crybaby, this man would have turned me.

I just love that every single Hylian around is taller than Link. I also love, however, that this man also towers over them too. Honestly, that makes things even better for me personally.

As long as Miss Papaya over there doesn’t realize that Link isn’t half the hero her grandma made him out to be, we won’t have problems. No worries here, chief, just doing some Zonai excavating.

1. King Dorephan

It’s known that this man singlehandedly defeated a Guardian, but judging by his measurements, all of which make the Empire State Building look like a stack of building blocks, it’s not hard to see how.

The leader of the Zora, this man is guaranteed to make any traveler feel right at home- hopefully, between the two logs he calls legs and the other two which he uses for other less savory deeds.

Not that I would mind, he could stretch my throat out to a time when the community will stop complaining about how the company keeps retconning the story with one and turn me into a make seahorse during conception with the other and I’d still have room. I have no shame.

If his son is a ten, he would have still been a ten before inflation.

You have to love a rich man with anatomically-correct shark organs. Jaws was really just my wake-up call after all, but not really because I like my men to talk dirty.

All I ask for in life is for this DILF to stretch me like taffy and squash me like a grape. Once that is achieved, I don’t care what Ganon does to Hyrule- I found my own sacred realm, thank you very much.

[rubin-therubix-loverofblorbos]

Spy breeds rare and expensive snakes in his "smoking" room {nobody fucking goes in there}and has an entire business and holds auctions at his own building. he has put blood, sweat, tears, and, by now, millions of dollars on supplies, the snakes themselves, and of course making his store/art gallery/boutique so cunty and majestic that if a fucking unicorn materialized and walked in there it would start sobbing and shaking and eating cigarettes because he is a walking W. plus he's a transfem genderfluid intersex butch with a sexy ass old-school van dyke {Twirly mustache and goatee-like beard. But Sexy} and she slays. Who Said That. Oh ME. I did. Because I Am RIGHT.

[nerdieforpedro]

Weddings 101 with Dieter

Chapter Three: Meeting the Family

Dieter Bravo x plus size OFC (Maya)

Fanfiction 18+

Masterlist / Dieter Bravo Masterlist / Weddings 101 with Dieter Series/ AO3 Link

Word Count: approx 5.2k

Summary: Maya is awoken to Dieter having a vivd dream that benefits both of them. They go off to the separate events, Maya to the start of wedding stuff and Dieter to his golf press appearance. Maya is not enjoying herself at all and Dieter continues his beef with Oscar Issac. Daisy comes through for the win.

Warnings: self-doubt, sexy clouds, Dieter is a grabby menace, grinding, biting, sucking, vivid dreams, mutual masturbation, more bad nicknames, more Oscar Issac slander, body worship, one rouge mushroom, Dieter's MOUTH

Notes: Dieter has been chillin’ in my brain for the last few weeks. After posting chapter two, I started writing chapter 3 and here is where we are. I’m going for a rom-com vibe because Pedro hasn’t been in any and that saddens me greatly. He’d be so good in one! 😫 I’m aware that Pedro and Oscar are best buddies in real-life, I just wanted to add to the comedy for Dieter having a beef another actor and since he got mad about Star Wars last time, it was perfect.

Groggy, Maya opened her eyes, things were blurry and she couldn’t make anything out. She felt warm, maybe even a little hot. Not sure why, it was comfortable so she dozed back to sleep. An hour later, she awoke again, feeling like she had a new lease on life. She didn’t remember any of her dreams, never did, but felt a sense of unexplained joy. When she moved, things became more apparent.

She’s chest to chest with Dieter, laying on top of him. One leg is draped over his hips and her hand is cradling the back of his head. Her face on his chest and hears his heartbeat, surprisingly slow to her. He’s really sleeping comfortably with her weight on him like this. More shocking than that is she didn’t feel like moving. His body was sturdy, not something she imagined when thinking of Dieter. Lips parted slightly as his chest rises and falls, just listening to him soothes her nerves. Maybe this isn’t so bad. I mean I didn’t mean to be in his bed the first night here, but like this isn’t horrible. I wonder if he’d be startled if he woke up right now, wait…what time is it?

Maya recalled what Bravo’s assistant had mentioned yesterday, that he had somewhere to be at noon. Some press thing maybe, but whatever it was, she needed to know the time now. She didn’t hear anyone else in the villa that she could tell so maybe it wasn’t quite time yet. No alarm was going off so it should at least be before eleven. Now the next question, how should she wake him up? Just push his head, pinch him, move her leg, poke him… something may already be poking. No that’s just morning wood, it doesn’t mean what you think it means. Maya took her hand off Dieter’s head and pushed her torso up off of his chest, hearing him groan as she rolled on her back, swinging her leg quickly and brushing his erection.

A soft “Fuck baby,” was heard at the loss of the softness. Dieter was dreaming he was inside a cloud, laying on a bean bag with Kit Kat on top of him. She just was making fun of how goofy his face was with his wide cheerful smile, Just enjoying the sound of her voice as she talked and the pressure from her body, but then she floated away, saying she had to go. He reached for her and was able to wrap his arms around her, pressing his face between her cushiony bosoms instead of her stomach this time. “Shit you can’t get away. This is the best feeling, You can’t go Maya, you’re my Kit Kat dammit.” He heard loud drums suddenly, they scared him so he pressed his face deeper, turning his head side to side, the friction from his beard making his face warm. His lips found what he thought was her breastbone as he kept pressing his nose deeper, tipping his chin up, he extended his tongue and licked, tasting a mix of skin, sweat. He mumbled something into her chest and started to alternate between sucking and nibbling. The tempo of the drums changed from sounding like timpani (large orchestra drum) to snare drums that were uneven. They complemented the low sighs he heard, encouraging him to only suck harder and branch out toward her breasts. Once he did, the sighs transformed into moans, the back of his head had a familiar pressure on it from four to five different small points and his back was being raked by something sharp. It didn’t matter, all of it was euphoric, Dieter had never had a dream like this.

“Sweet Lips…sta- shit that feels good…” Her moans continued, she wrapped her arms around his head, to keep his head at her breasts. Maya’s thighs pressed together, she expected to be able to get out the bed but now she was participating in whatever dream Dieter seemed to be having. A dream about her. She was pleasantly surprised, but worried, she still didn’t know what time it was and didn’t want the assistant or anyone else walking in and seeing them like this. Bravo had pulled up her shirt and bra to access her breasts, it was why she thought he was awake, but despite her increasing moans and calling his name, he didn’t respond, just kept sucking and teasing her. She knew whenever she did get up, she’d need to wash her panties and shorts as they were soaked. His hardness kept grazing her knee and thigh, moist with what was likely his own precum. “Fuck, it’s just there…Dieter it’s not fair…Mmm…” He grazed her nipple with his teeth and she yelped, digging her fingers into his scalp before grabbing the base of his neck. Using her thighs, she was able to provide some friction to his cock as he kneaded and suckled on her breasts.

While Dieter was trapped within the warmth of his Kit Kat cloud, he felt the pressure of a firm water mattress around his cock. The fabric of his pants were a hindrance in identifying the true nature of the presence he felt providing his throbbing member some relief. His hips started to jerk as he grew closer to his release, moving faster the more he heard cursing along with his name. He managed to work both nipples into his mouth as he climaxed into his pants and onto the warm water bed. Taking his head from the breasts he was so fond off, his world view began to change

He was on a mattress, but there were no water or clouds, instead there were pillows, sheets and Maya. Her shirt was raised along with her bra and her breasts were slightly swollen and in his hands as he still massaged them gently. His face cooled from the departure as he looked up at a wondrous sight, Maya panting looking down at him, her eyes fluttering trying to focus but unable to. Her hand was on his neck. He looked down and his pants were wet with not only his spend, but some of hers that had leaked from her shorts. Dieter was conflicted, he was coming down from an excellent sex dream induced high that he had acted out with the person he had been dreaming about. The question was, is she okay with what he did? He wasn’t sure if the effects of Molly had worn off yet and she was perhaps more sensitive and hadn’t been alright at all with him touching her. “Maya, are you alright? I was having an intense dream and it looks like I-”

“Dee, you’re not fair at all. How the hell are you going to be so good at that while asleep?! It’s not right, I’ve never been happier about having sore breasts.” Maya sighed and cupped his cheek. She giggled and he exhaled, that’s one elephant out of the room, the second would be equally as worrisome. “I felt more sensitive. Is that because of the juice I drank last night? What was in there?” Dieter closed his eyes and placed a hand on her hip, pulling her shirt down. Her breasts were distracting and this needed to be said with the proper attention, though he was surprised that she remembered feeling off and drinking the juice, did she remember what she told him last night?

“Well that juice was supposed to be for my two day golf press tour. I show up, take pictures and do some autographs. It’s boring but pays well. I drink my juice spiked with some Molly to put me in a better mood for it.” He explained, his fingers tapping to the drums he had heard in his dream. 

“Ah that explains it. I felt real giggly and very bendy? Flexible? No.” She paused, trying to find the right word to describe it. She had sensed something was off, but didn’t mind it. She recalled drinking a lot of water as well too. “Open! That’s the right word! Open to any and everything. It’s a fun feeling like someone took out all my worries, but scary now that I think about it. Anyway I should have asked what was in your fridge given you told me that it was the most fun you’d had just by drinking.” Her laugh told Dieter that maybe things were alright for now, he didn’t need to ask about what she mentioned in the kitchen. Her soft lips kissed his head as she rolled away from him, popping up out of the bed. Scanning the room, Maya didn’t see a clock at the bedside or on the wall. She also didn’t see her phone either. It turned out she was in her room instead of Dieter’s so it should be in here. Maybe she left it downstairs after setting the alarm. 

Dieter got up on all fours and crawled to the edge of the bed, “Looking for something?” He wiggles his butt as Maya turns and she giggled, using a finger to poke his forehead. 

“I’m looking for my phone, a clock or any indication of time. You have to be showered and dressed by noon and I should be getting to the introductory brunch with everyone.” Her hand went to his curls, using her nails to run along his scalp and she was sure he purred. Dieter lowered his head to allow her to continue, a low hum mixed in with the purrs. “Enjoy that my fluffy boy? I can massage it more later tonight.” She paused, “Oh! Sugar Li-“

“Fluffy boy or Dieter is perfect Maya.” He ran his palm along the forearm of her hand that was atop his head, he looked up and smirked, “That’s a promise Kit Kat. I’ll hold you to it. Ask me if I enjoy it again. Say my name this time.” He moved closer to the edge of the bed and wrapped his arms around her hips, his cheek on her stomach, listening as it churned with hunger. He gave it a swift peck and nuzzled into her belly further.

This time, she used both hands to graze the top of his head, feeling his soft curls and spotting flashes of gray within the chocolate brown. She looked down, resisting the urge to pull him up and take his lips, he appeared content to hold her. Maya took a quiet rasp, closing her eyes as she explored his crown, “Do you enjoy my fingers grazing your scalp Dieter?”

“Abso-fuckin’…Yes. Yes.” Bravo panted, his hand trailed from her lower back to her round ass, filling his hand and started to knead it as he had her breasts. “Maya, what time do you absolutely need to be at that family brunch thing?” His face emerged out of her belly and peered up at her, his eyes pleading. If she came with him, he might not need the orange juice for the press interactions, though he may inspire other questions that had nothing to do with his projects. She cupped his face and opened her eyes, Maya felt she could be too easily swayed by his eyes so she focused on his lips and how pink they were. Also a bad move. 

“Need to be there by one. You can stop by after your press thing. After brunch, there’s going to just going to be some family gathering stuff and then I plan to make it an early dinner so I can bail. Though I’ll need to bring the bridesmaid dress because my mother and the bride’s mother will want to see all of us in them.” A long sigh followed. He could tell she wasn't looking forward to this at all, was it the dress itself, the people, the comparison with the other bridesmaids, both mothers? He’ll see how long he’d need to be at the golf event and as soon as he can, he’s getting out of there to come get Maya out of there. “You need to get ready though, then I can get ready.” An empty chuckle left her lips as she released his head and Dieter followed suit and let her go. He rolled to his side of the bed and retrieved his phone. It was only half after ten. He let her know and went downstairs to heat up the pizza and eat it, Maya found her phone on the kitchen island, it was at five percent so she plugged it in when she went up to her room briefly. 

Sitting and eating pizza together, they laughed and Dieter pouted when she brought up Oscar Issac again. He threw a mushroom at her, hitting her arm. She picked it off and ate it as they played around and ate. Finally when they finished, they went to their respective rooms and showered. Dieter put on a button down short sleeve shirt that was split down the middle - one half had zebra print and the other half had cheetah print on it. Daisy, who had been MIA the entire night nipped at Dieter’s ankles before he slipped on his gray boxer briefs, the elastic settling just under his round pouch of a belly and sitting on his hips. He picked up the goat and kissed her forehead. “You traitor. You left me last night. Still love you though.” The small goat baahed at him and licked his chin, its rough tongue made him laugh. He needed to pick out pants though, he didn’t really care so he pulled out a black pair when he heard a soft knock at his door. “Come in, you don’t need to knock Kit Kat. It’s only us two here and Daisy.”

Retrieving his black slacks, he set Daisy on the bed and the pants as well before sitting on the bed and putting on some white socks and his pants. He had the pants around his knees when he turned to see Maya who stood in the doorway looking away shyly. A grin crossed his face and her spun around and pulled the back of his shirt up, wiggling his ass at her. He heard her laugh, “Better than Oscar’s right?” She shook her head and he pulled up his pants and buttoned them, bitting his lips in frustration.

“Objectively I can’t lie to you Sugar Lips.” Maya chuckled, walking to sit on the bed and pet Daisy. She wore a dress that had a deep V in front, the base was white and it had lines of gold, green, brown ovals and various splashes of orange. It was nearly to the floor so only her feet poked out when she walked. Her hair was pinned up in a neat bun and she wore gold earrings. It was the fuchsia color on her lips that drew the most attention, it made her lips appear fuller then they already were. “But you’ve got other things Oscar doesn’t so don’t fret so much and I’ll try not to tease you about it.”

Dieter plopped down next to her as Daisy hopped to the floor, sauntering around. “What other things huh? And with that lipstick, I should call you Sugar Lips.” He laid his hand over hers and he remembered, “I don’t have your number Maya. I can’t send you pictures of Daisy or eggplant emojis.” 

“You’re impossible. It can’t just be texts and memes? Eggplants, really?” 

“Yeah and maybe some of the things that might be better than that man. Stupid bubble butt.” He stood to retrieve his phone and sat back down, unlocked it and handed it to Maya. “Put your number in and save yourself as…” He thought for a moment. 

“Mi Reina (My queen).” 

“Oh? What does that mean?” She did as he asked and entered her number and saved it.

Bravo laid his head on her shoulder and spoke into her ear, “I’ll tell you tonight while you’re rubbing my head again and I’m in your lap.” He licked her earlobe and scooped up Daisy who had returned, making his way to the door. One hand sent her a text to ensure she has his number too. “Let me know what you save me as Kit Kat. We should head downstairs. It’s eleven thirty.” The grin never left his face and he felt confident he had enticed her enough. Maya stopped on the way down to grab her phone, purse, brown sandals and a garment bag before meeting Dieter downstairs on the living room couch. Draping the bag over the back of the couch she sat next to Dieter and cut her eyes at him.

“Despite you being impossible at times,” Her hand touched her cool earlobe that previously had his tongue on it, “it’s also one of the charms you possess, Dieter.”

“I have charms now? Not just impossible?”

“You know you do. That mouth of yours is- ” Dieter places one hand at the side of her thighs and parted his lips after licking them. 

“My mouth is what, Maya?” He taunts, he leans like he’s going to kiss her but stops. “I can’t mess up your lipstick of course. Tell me what it does for you bebita (baby girl).” Lips graze her neck and his hands move up to her thighs, his tongue trails down to just above her breasts. Warm breath against her skin, her hands snaked to hold his soft sides. “Let me hear what I heard this morning. I’ll be thinking about it while answering those asinine questions. Por favor (please).” His chin touched her breast and he groaned, hearing Maya trying to stifle her moans only had him press his fingers into her thighs more. Dieter used his teeth to nibble gently on her breast which made her finally give him what he wanted, a deep bellow of pleasure. 

“Your mouth is dangerous, shit Dieter. Please, it’s almost time-” One hand was moving up to his head but she stopped herself and just held the back of his neck. She couldn’t pull him away, her back was curving into his face.

“Just a little longer cariño (dear).” His teeth started on her other breasts softly nibbling before a ‘swip’ was heard. Dieter stopped and peered over the back of the couch. Daisy had tugged on Maya’s garment bag and pulled it to the floor. “Daisy, you really are a traitor.” he reluctantly stood up and picked up the garment bag, draping it back over the couch as Maya straightened her dress back out.

“Daisy’s helping both of us out. That should be saved for when we’re alone.” Zack and two drivers were making their way in the villa. Dieter hadn’t heard them come in at all. The click of his tongue told the assistant that he likely had interrupted something but there was a schedule to keep. 

“Um, sir. Sorry to interrupt, but we should leave. Good morning Ms. Maya.” He smiled brightly. Dieter sighed and gave Kit Kat a peck on the cheek, she took his hand and whispered to him,

“I think I’m going to move up the time table on fucking you Sugar Lips.” Bravo’s eyes widened, she remembered saying that? Maya’s other hand gave his ass a solid squeeze. “For the record, I like your ass better than Oscar’s.” With that, she walked out with one of the drivers who carried her purse and garment bag as she hopped in the car and departed. Zack gave his boss a few minutes, thankfully he had built in time just in case the award winner wasn’t ready, but he ended up clearing his throat to bring Dieter back to reality. He made sure to grab his orange juice on the way out. The star followed his assistant and sat in the back of the car with Daisy, uncomfortably hard and looking out the window thinking of a way to bail on this event and drop by that brunch.

Maya wasn’t fairing much better, shifting around in the back of the car as the villa disappeared behind her. Her hands ran along the garment bag and then her thighs where Dieter’s hands had been. “Smooth bastard. I’ll need to see if they have a CVS or Walgreens here for some condoms. I can’t get it out of my head from this morning. I won’t tease him as much when I get back.” A soft smile graced her lips as she watched the trees slowly change into buildings, getting closer to the hotel. The Hilton was a nice hotel yes, but she was only looking forward to seeing her mother, father and brothers. Both sides of the now joining family proved to be insufferable at the engagement and bridal shower. It’s why she skipped the bachelorette party, a fact that the bride’s mother never failed to mention. 

Arriving at the hotel in a black audi did give her an air of satisfaction as some of the family members watched her walk in, her white dress with its pattern flowing behind her in the warm sun. Maya made her way to the main room where she knew brunch was in progress and spotted her mother, making a bee line for the short woman in her four inch heels, gray dress and gold bangles and rings. She wore them due to the residual effects of her rheumatoid arthritis but moved like a woman thirty years her junior.

“Hey Sweetie! You made it! I love the lipstick. I wasn’t sure about the dress but it suits you. You look like you’re floating.” They embraced and shared a hug, rocking side to side before they parted, holding each other’s hands. 

“Hey ma, you look beautiful. There still some food around?” Maya asked and her mother shook her head. ‘This child’ she likely thought, but she did notice a small red mark at the top one of her breasts.

“I think someone may have eaten you. You have any concealer Maya? If not, I can grab you some before they come over.” She dropped her hands and walked over to a chair where her purse was a few feet away. Removing a sponge and some liquid makeup, swished her hand to indicate for her to hold her dress to the side slightly to apply the makeup. She did and blended it out with the sponge, once happy with her work, then had Maya adjust her dress again. “Is whoever this is here or coming to the wedding?”

A long sigh left Kit Kat’s lips, “Maybe, I don’t know about today, but probably later this week. He’s…different. But it’s good I think.” Maya’s mother watches as a smile crept along her face, whoever it was, this man was someone who made her happy, which was very good.

“Well, go get some food and eat. The family’s going to bop around a bit more and then they want to do the final fitting for the bridesmaid dresses. Why it couldn’t be done weeks ago is beyond me? She maybe shouldn’t have changed colors so many times.” Her mother began to gripe but stopped when she saw the look in her daughter’s face. It wasn’t the time, the complaining could happen after things were said and done. She went to track down her husband who was taking advantage of the free wine samples offered until two in the afternoon. It was one forty five so he was entitled to a full fifteen minutes of wine drinking and would not accept anything less. 

Maya went to eat some sausage, eggs, and pancakes, grabbing two of each as she had eaten pizza already this morning. It was then that the bride appeared, greeting her warmly. She wasn’t a mean or annoying woman. Well, a little annoying, but only because she didn’t listen to any of the suggestions. Which yes, it’s her wedding, Maya understood that, but she wasn’t the only larger bridesmaid and the three of them with Maya included, weren’t into the strapless design or the dress being made in lace with a slip under it. You’re in Hawaii, in a humid ass place and needed to wear shapewear in addition to a tight dress was….now you sound like your mother.

The two women hugged and briefly chatted about the trip over here. The bride said hers was smooth and really enjoyed spending time with Michael, Maya’s brother. Nodding, Maya stated that her journey here had a few hiccups but turned out to be great, knowing that she wouldn't ask any further. Maya slowly ate her food, knowing that the fitting was imminent and followed Elyssa, the bride, up to one of the eighth floor rooms where all the other bridesmaids were waiting. None of them looked excited or even tried to keep a neutral face. What had happened?

“We’re going with another new color and style ladies!” Elyssa said excitedly, everyone groaned simultaneously. This fitting just became infinitely worse.

Dieter was trying to hold off on drinking his juice. He wanted to save it for either a really tiresome interview or if he had to talk to anyone about whoever the hell was playing golf. He didn’t care, he was here because they wanted to use his appearance to promote the tournament and he could talk about some of the projects he was producing. He hadn’t found any roles recently that he wanted to be a part of since the Cliff Beasts fiasco and into writing, painting and producing. He was talking with one interviewer who was asking about some of his artwork, someone who actually bothered to do some research. It was a fun conversation, until that douche popped up. Was he even supposed to be here?

Oscar Issac - who beat him out for the Star Wars role he wanted and could frustratingly play guitar and sing. This bastard who won some nonsense poll about who had better curls between Bravo and Issac and was sporting a full well-groomed beard with splashes of gray in it. And now some other interview has mentioned his ‘cakes’ from the last movie Oscar did where he spends a fair amount with no pants on. Dieter may be in a one-sided beef with the man, but he was going to keep calm. Be cool. Just grab his orange juice to chill out. 

His assistant Zack had it though and he wasn’t nearby. “Fuck.” Dieter muttered under his breath as Oscar walked over, opening his arms for a hug. Turning on the charm, he hugged him back and patted his back, a little too hard. 

“Hey Bravo, how are you? I heard you might be here. It’s good to see you.” A pearly white smile beamed from him. Go away. I want nothing to do with you.

“Fine. Just interviews and press. What’s new with you Issac? Singing about some more hippos?” Dieter meant it to be playful, but the vitriol was clear. Oscar picked up on it and he smirked, his eyebrows raising.

“Did another stint on broadway. You ever think trying it out Bravo?” Oscar stepped closer to Dieter,  “Oh, that’s right, you’ve flamed out and can’t hack it anymore. Doing your little scribbles and paints. Cabrón (bastard).” Dieter sucked his teeth, tapping his foot as fists formed at his sides. Wasn’t one sided after all, arrogant bastard. The camera around them snapped pictures of the two men smiling and talking, unaware of the battle for the last word taking place. Daisy trotted over and took her place near Bravo’s feet. 

Oscar bent down to pet Daisy which she allowed and Dieter followed suit, it was an excellent photo op, the pair of them with a baby goat. After a few pictures, Daisy walked a foot away and the two men continued taking pictures flashing peace signs while crouched. 

“Say what you will about my acting, but my art has already made millions and I can do it well after I retire from acting. What are you gonna do? Hop on a Christmas album with Mariah Carey when she re-emerges this winter?” Dieter continued as he stood back up beaming, “You and your hippos can only dream hijo de punta (son of a bitch).” Bravo waved to the cameras, when Oscar went to stand he was met with pain. 

Not from his knees, but a bite from one Daisy who maybe was going after the back pocket of his suit pants, but got a chunk of his ass in addition to the pocket. Issac let out a loud scream as Dieter laughed, this was the best thing to ever happen at a press event. It wasn’t long before he was escorted out with his goat, assistant, and his juice he never got to drink. The organizers confirmed that yes, he would still be paid as had done the interview and pictures and that’s mainly what he needed to know, as great as it was to see Oscar finally get his, he didn’t show up there for free. 

“Tell the driver to go to the Hilton hotel. I have someone to surprise. Isn’t that right Daisy? You’re not a traitor afterall. I hope you get the taste out of your mouth.” Dieter turned to his assistant Zack who just told the driver the address of the Hilton. “You got a snack for Daisy? She couldn’t have Oscar’s taste on her lips.” His large hand rubbed the goat’s head as she softly baahed and nuzzled into his chest. Zack got out a bag that had some snacks, giving the goat some carrots to nibble on. He held onto the small animal for Dieter as he hopped out of the SUV once the arrived at the hotel. He entered and asked at the front desk about a wedding party, they pointed him in the direction of the grand ballroom where some people were standing around, some were dancing and others were eating. It seemed that they may be in between events but he didn’t see her. He knew she’d be easy to pick out in the dress he saw this morning and her figure alone. A hand appeared on his shoulder and he turned to see the top of a head so he looked down.

“You looking for someone? Are you a guest of someone hun?” A warm voice asked him, he looked down to see an older woman with reddish brown hair looking up at him with a smile. Dieter noted that she had a ring on nearly every finger and multiple bracelets on both wrists. He nodded and she chuckled, it was similar to Maya.

“I am. Would you happen to be related to Maya?” he asked as she lowered her hand, she now wore a navy blue dress with suede heels, three inches this time.

“I’m her mother, Yvette. I take it she’s staying with you. She wasn’t sure if you were coming or not. Glad that you made it.” She started to walk down a hallway. “Follow me, I’ll show you where she is. Your name hun?” Ms. Yvette looked back and Dieter scratched the back of his head, he figured things would be fine. Meeting her mom was a little weird, but it was her brother’s wedding, he’d been hoping Maya would be with him when he met her but it didn’t appear bad yet. Dieter and Yvette rode the elevator to the eighth floor where the fittings had still been taking place.

Previous: Chapter Two

Next: Chapter Four

The tag list: @katw474 @readingiskeepingmegoing

@fhatbhabie @morallyinept @pedritapascal @pascalsanctuary @nissaimmortal @grogusmum @theywhowriteandknowthings @beefrobeefcal @goodwithcheese @iamasaddie @megamindsecretlair @pamasaur @pedrodascal @marcus-is-my-muse @clawdee @trulybetty @perotovar @joelslegalwhre @josephquinnswhore @mandoisapunk @secretelephanttattoo @for-a-longlongtime @legendary-pink-dot @sin-djarin @maggiemayhemnj @rhoorl @sp00kymulderr @linzels-blog @joelmillers-whore @guelyury @laurfilijames @missladym1981 @pamasaur @alltheglitterandtheroar @din-djarins-riduur @daddy-dins-girl @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin @yorksgirl @saturn-rings-writes @gwendibleywrites @angelofsmalldeath-codeine @musings-of-a-rose @soft-persephone @javierpena-inatacvest @mysterious-moonstruck-musings @magpiepills @handspunyarns @i-own-loki

[megamindslair]

Sit Still (Look Pretty), Part 1

Moving my fics to @megamindsecretlair

Warnings: 18+. Minors DNI. You are in charge of your own reading experience. There is some unresolved tension, mutual voyeurism, cursing, mentions of female and male parts, Nomad Steve x Black!reader. Nomad Steve x plus size reader. Part 1 of ? Not sure how long this will take to resolve. Age gap, reader is mid 20s, Nomad Steve is mid 30s.

Summary: AU where Steve was born in modern times but still received a serum in the Army to make him more efficient. He's moved in next door and has noticed you watching him. You and your mom have gone over to introduce yourselves.

Word Count: 1,857k

A/N: I've been reading a lot of age gap fics so decided to try my hand at another. Apologies if I miss any warnings or this is super corny. But this was fun. While likes are awesome, please consider reblogging to help writers!

Fuck, your neighbor was hot as hell. You sat on your window seat gawking at the tall, sexy neighbor as he picked up huge boxes and carried them in the house as if it weighed no more than feathers. 

Muscles rippled in a dark blue muscle shirt as he moved and bent over. And that ass. You bit your lip as the neighbor bent further down to lift a chair. Oh and those thighs. You sighed. The Lord took His time with this one. 

The man was at least six foot tall, dark blond hair and a full trimmed beard. He wore a pair of dark jeans and boots. All week, you had watched him go in and out of the newly bought house next door. He carried lots of boxes but none of them gave any clue to his story.

Was he married? Was he expecting? Surely someone that damn fine had a wife heavenly pregnant and ordering him about. You weren’t sure how he didn’t have eleven rugrats running around. There were no other movers and the neighbor had rented a small truck for his sofa and dressers. 

You also saw the neighborhood crones using any excuse in the book to talk to him and be nosy. If he thought someone that looked like him was going to move here without raising any alarms, he was sorely mistaken.

You gasped as he stopped to stretch, moving his body beyond his limit. You just wanted to lick him. Just once. You fanned yourself as you watched him. You imagined all kinds of filthy things when it came to him. 

You imagined him grabbing your fleshy thighs and shaking them before slapping them. You imagined him in between your legs coating that full beard with your juices. You imagined him breaking your back. Like, literally breaking your back. Because he could put you in the hospital and you’d say thank you.

He disappeared into the house. His curtains were thrown open so you could still watch him moving around the house. The downfall to stock houses was that they were lined up just so. The houses were nearly identical. Your bedroom window faced his bedroom window on the second floor. The angle you had was just enough to see his kitchen sink. It’d be possible to see his arms and hands as he washed. 

You spent plenty of nights this week just watching his hands work over his meager dishes. If he was married, she didn’t live with him. You never saw anyone coming or going from his place. He didn’t have a second car. 

Your mom called your name. “I’ve got this cake for the neighbor, let’s go introduce ourselves,” she called. 

You rolled your eyes. Yes, your mom was very much just as gossipy as the neighborhood crones. Everything you’ve heard of the neighbor was through her and probably had twisted from its original message. 

You weren’t dressed yet. You had made watching him your dirty hobby. But you couldn’t summon the energy to care. Sometimes, you got the eerie feeling as if he were watching you too. You had taken to keeping your curtains open and your light on. 

You never saw him look over here. The random times he was in his room and moving around, he never gave any indication that he knew you were looking. Still, you pranced around in your bra and panties every morning or before hanging with your friends as you decided what to wear.

Sometimes, you even faced the window as you decided between two shirts or two skirts. You pretended that he was picking your outfits, telling you what he likes seeing you in. That he would imagine ripping it off of your body all day and it would drive him crazy. Knowing you’d be capable of making him hard and uncomfortable all day turned you on so badly. 

You stood and did just that. You faced his bedroom window even though he was probably still on the first floor. You held up a red, frilly shirt and a light ocean blue plain shirt. You flipped back and forth, imagining what he’d like.

You put the shirts on your bed and then flipped between jeans and white shorts. You held up the red shirt and white shorts. If you were going to meet him, you might as well show him what you’re working with. You turned around and imagined him at the window, getting dressed for him. 

You bent low and shimmied into the white shorts as slow as you could. Then you slipped on the red babydoll tee. It made your breasts look good. Plus it was hot as sin outside. 

You ran down the stairs and sat on the steps as you slipped on your shoes. Your mom floated into the room holding a small box. “I went with chocolate,” your mom said. “Everybody likes chocolate and those who don’t are lying to get attention.”

You laughed as you shook your head. Your mom was gorgeous, with flowing locs and a great figure. She wore loose tan pants and a cream shirt. 

“Isn’t this a little Southern of us?” You asked. You lived in Suburbia with the white picket fences and neighbors who’d gone to high school together. It was capital boredom and should be labeled as a torture method.

“Best way to meet your neighbors. They associate you with good food and are less likely to be rude to you by throwing loud parties and orgies,” your mother said.

You snorted. Your mom never had a filter and would often say the first thing that comes to mind. Your dad hated it but you caught him smiling more than a few times. 

You trudged over the manicured lawn, over the small concrete divider, and onto his property. The door was closed. He was probably taking a break from moving things. Your mom rang the doorbell and you waited.

The door finally opened and you gasped silently. He was even more gorgeous in person. Fuck, it had to be illegal to carry those arms. They looked big enough to crush a coconut in one grip. His hands were large and his fingers were long, like a musician's fingers.

He smirked at you and your mother. Your mom stepped forward. “We wanted to introduce ourselves, we’re your neighbors on that side,” she said and pointed to your house. 

She told him your names and all about the chocolate cake, including her joke about people lying. He threw his head back as he laughed as if it were that funny.

“I’m Steve,” he said. He shook your mom’s hand and then moved to yours. His grip was firm but not crushing.  

You looked down at your combined hands, loving the way that your copper skin contrasted with his creamy skin. He held on a second too long before turning his attention to your mom who asked him a million questions.

“If I heard all of those, I’d say I moved here for work, not married, and I work for the military. Did I get it all?” He asked.

He had a bit of an accent. You guessed somewhere on the East Coast. Your mom giggled. You looked at her as if she grew a third head. She widened her eyes at you and then smiled back at Steve. She prattled on about her career, that fact that you were in college for your master’s, and that you were always available if he needed you. 

Since his attention was on your mom, you took the opportunity to study him up close. His blue eyes were sharp, giving one hundred percent of his focus on the person speaking. He had a prominent vein on the side of his neck and you imagined licking it. 

“Oh, I have to take this, excuse me,” your mom said. She answered her phone and stepped off of the porch. 

You turned to Steve who had his eyes trained on you. He barely blinked and did not look away. 

“So, military huh? That explains that,” you said. You waved at his figure and he laughed. It was deep and made you tingle.

“Thank you. I’m not active duty anymore, I’ve transitioned to the state side and do boring office work now. You home for the summer?” He asked.

“Yes, I am. Taking a break so no work, no homework, just time to decompress. Usually in the pool. This is one of the worst summers ever,” you said and fanned yourself.

Steve slowly perused your body. There was no mistaking that look in his eyes. He faintly smirked as he took in your outfit, your wide curves, your generous hips, and your thick thighs. 

He slowly dragged that gaze back up until he reached your face. “Make sure you stay cool, then. Dehydration is nothing to play with,” he said. 

Your mouth went dry under the intense heat of his gaze. You were aware. You were aware of him and aware of his focus. You bit your lips and his eyes zeroed in on it. His eyes narrowed.

“Are you okay?” He asked. You shifted your footing, trying to find some relief. The heat outside had nothing on his face. 

Your mom’s scuffling shoes took you out of the moment. He winked at you before your mom joined you. Though it was Saturday, her job needed her to come in and solve an emergency. She waved goodbye to Steve and told him not to be a stranger.

You waved bye, unable to speak at the moment. As you turned to leave, Steve grabbed your hand. He ran his fingers over your wrist as he leaned in.

“My favorite color is light blue. And you should get more of those garter things. They look divine on you,” he said. Gravel skated over ‘divine’ and you whimpered. You hoped he didn’t catch that. Your eyes flicked from his lips to his eyes and his eyes narrowed again. 

Your heart thundered in your chest. He knew what you had been doing all along. Your skin heated for entirely different reasons as you thought of all the different lingerie combinations you tried on in front of the window. It somehow made it filthier that he was getting naughty glimpses of you. It made you horny all day thinking of wearing the lingerie and that he didn’t know it was for him. 

It had gotten so bad, that you didn’t care if your parents were home. You had to get off on thinking that he helped select the combos. And those were some of the best orgasms you ever gave yourself. 

“Yes, sir,” you whispered and licked your lips. He smiled and nodded his head as if he were dismissing you. As if he had any right to order you around. 

Yet you left the porch and nearly skipped across the lawn like he told you. Before getting in the house, you looked back. He stood on the porch, facing you, with his hands in his pockets. You smiled and went inside, thinking of how many blue outfits you owned.

[g0dspeeed]

A Little Insecurity

Something is bothering Eli Palmer, and he finally musters up the courage to ask Cappie about it.

An Eli Palmer & Cappie De La Costa snippet 💕

*Contains sexual references

The green glow from the wall of surveillance screens set for a strange mood, as did the unnatural orange of the box mac-n-cheese in their bowls, vivid even in the shadows of the Wolf's Den. Not quite the romantic ambiance that Eli Palmer preferred to set with one Cappie De La Costa, but a long night in a hidden militia bunker during a cult holy war called for such amenities, and well, she was willing to compromise.

Cappie was actually pretty content for the most part, chowing down on the simple meal–bowl number four– as if it was a fine delicacy. Eli supposed that in a sad way it was, for Cappie had been running about Hope County for the past two days, smuggling and raising all sorts of hell for the Project, and Eli could put money down that she seldom ate, unless it was to ingest some narcotic to keep her body moving.

"What's cookin', good lookin'?" she drawled with a lop-sided smile, her scar upticked as she caught him staring.

Eli smiled back, sheepish and shy, but then glanced down at his plastic bowl of macaroni. A growing concern of his itched at his brain, crept in whenever he was alone, allowed to fester in the depths of Eli's insecurities.

"Been wondering somethin' and I want you to be honest with me about it, okay?," he started.

At the serious tone in his voice, Cappie turned to fully face him in her chair, her arm grazing his before it settled on the back of his seat.

"'Kay," she murmured.

Despite himself, he felt a slow, creeping warmth grace the apples of his cheeks. Her frown didn't help. Eli swallowed.

"Cap," tried Eli.

"Elijah."

He sighed.

"Do I, shit, do I look like a Peggie to you?"

Cappie's reaction was less than inspiring. That full-lipped frown of hers deepened to a thoughtful pout and her brow furrowed tight between her gorgeous emerald eyes. Eli felt like such an idiot the moment he asked, a lame dread weighing down in his gut, made lamer still by the silence that stretched on and on with each passing second.

Then, Cappie shrugged and scooped another bite of mac-n-cheese into her pretty mouth.

"I mean, by long hair and beard alone? Kinda, but then I look into your dark, sadass eyes and imagine that handsome mug of yours between my legs and think 'Nah, no way a man as sexy as that ain't a temptation', which I think goes against Peggie ideology, right? Plus, ya got a firm ass, so, maybe you got the hair of a Peggie, fine, but you're way too fun and hot to me, Eli, to be a cultist. Cultists ain't fun and you're the funnest man I ever met!"

With a wink, Cappie continued eating their dinner, her answer warming his drumming heart. Eli smiled to himself before finishing his own bowl. His body then stretched in the chair, brown eyes befalling the several surveillance screens.

"Wanna fuck?" he whispered.

"Mhm, you betcha, handsome."