#plus as a person with [an amount of issues] I do not find wallowing in a fictional person's problems very enjoyable

[junemermaid]

I need a sign I can tap that just says:

while I understand that many people in fandom use fanfic to self-soothe or deal with or figure out their own baggage, I personally dislike using characters' (whether textual or inferred) trauma as the primary or indeed only lens for character analysis, and thus I will not be doing that

it is kind of wordy but, yeah

[spockandawe]

Hi.....if you don't mind me asking, what are your top 10 favorite books? And why? Sorry if you've answered this question before....

This is an interesting question, and a difficult one! Which is why I let it steep for a few days while I was in a bookbinding fugue, haha XD

I’m not sure I’ll be able to answer it, because my level of fondness is highly dependent on how recently I read a book/how many times I’ve reread it, with an optional nostalgia modifier if something made a huge impression in my youth. And when I’m picking favorites, as the number of potential [thing] expands, the more I end up dithering and fretting that I’m forgetting something HUGE as I choose. So rather than a selection of top ten, I’ll just run down through some of my favorites! I’ll split it as five cnovels (recent reads, current genre hyperfixation) and five more conventional english-language novel (realistically, probably more like series, unless a standalone book occurs to me), and I’m not going to rank the conventional novels.

SO. Regular novels first. There’s a heavy recently-read/frequently-reread element going on in here. 

The Imperial Radch trilogy, by Ann Leckie. Okay, I am a sucker for a nonhuman protagonist, which is going to pop up in at least two other entries. And I’m also a sucker for themes of what can be perceived about a person externally versus their internal world, and Breq delivers like WHOA. She has SO MUCH going on in her head, and even though we’re in there with her, she still hides lots of her emotions from us. And characters like Seivarden hit me in character development buttons that I’m a sucker for, and the whole idea of consciousness being split across multiple bodies is DELICIOUS to me. Also... love me a sentient spaceship. ‘The Ship Who X’ series by Anne McCaffrey isn’t going to make this list, but I also love it a lot. (also, a universe of ‘she’s made me realized how STARVED i was for that degree of representation in certain genres that i love a lot, but don’t often see myself in as often as i might like)

The Murderbot series, by Martha Wells. Another nonhuman, sometimes-human-passing protagonist! Another one processing MASSIVE trauma of a sort that I, the human reader, have to slow down a lot and try to comprehend from an extremely different life experience! I like that a lot, it really forces me to LINGER on the nature of what a character is feeling. And oh my god, Murderbot’s voice is one of my favorite pov voices of all time. And watching it work (or go hogwild on its own asdfdgd) is absolutely delightful. I love literally everything about this series, except what happened with Miki. Other than that? Flawless.

The Books Of The Raksura, by Martha Wells. Martha Wells is a DELIGHT, y’all. Also! Another heavily-traumatized, nonhuman protagonist! And this time, like... It’s a fantasy world with huge amounts of sentient species, and the protagonist grew up away from his people, who are basically a bunch of feral homesteaders (LOVE THAT), and is trying to figure out how to reintegrate into their societal structures as an adult. That desperate desire to belong and feeling of discomfort and not-fitting-in, and the connections he makes and the way he DOES find a way to fit... like if u crey every time. Also, as far as we’re shown, it’s a cheerfully bisexual, polyamorous society, and *grabby hands*

Discworld, by Terry Pratchett. God, what do I even say about this series. It was a PARADIGM SHIFT. It’s bitingly funny, and also just plain biting, and full of huge varieties of interesting stories, set in a fascinating world, with a series of protagonists who I love too much for words. Vimes! The witches! Moist!!! They’re all so WONDERFUL. I still haven’t read the last book in the series yet, because then it will be Over Forever, and I can’t deal. This one is heavily nostalgia-tinted, but also, I stand by it.

The Belgariad/Mallorean, by David Eddings. Okay. Also very nostalgia, and the choice I can justify the least. But these books CLICKED with me. I’m afraid to reread them, because I’ve been wallowing in queer fiction for so long I’m worried about what the compulsory heterosexuality will feel like, and I know both series are very... episodic, in a way that isn’t necessarily great literature. But I dunno! Feels good, man. It’s high fantasy with a magical system I like, segmented worldbuilding of a sort that isn’t necessarily WELL-MADE, but it’s like... comfortable and easy. And something about the style and the character voices just clicks with me. I have no idea how well these hold up in the present day, but I do love them, and I’ve been planning to reread at least The Redemption Of Althalus by the same author as a standalone before I commit to a 12-book rereading of this universe, but.... I like em XD

--

Cnovels! I think I can rank these, so let’s go for it.

Fifth favorite: The Disabled Tyrant’s Pet Palm Fish :B Look, it’s ridiculous. It’s a transmigration story where the lead enters this fictional universe in the body of a fish, where he is adopted by a prince who eventually falls in love with him, and YES IT IS TAGGED MPREG, BUT HOLD ON A MOMENT-- I don’t know! I came here to point and laugh, but I’m honestly having such a good time right now. It’s really cute! And sweet! The main character is delightful, and the love interest is that particular flavor of semi-socialized upper-class young man, where like, can he do court politics? yes. can he politely express his affections for the main character? uh....... less so. It’s a really fun read, and I felt very sincere emotions about this prince who is passionately, deeply in love with his pet fish!

Fourth favorite: Mmmmmm, Mo Dao Zu Shi, I think. I struggle here, because it is NOT an easy book to read or show to watch, but having consumed the story, I love it to PIECES. I know a big draw for me is the protagonist, specifically, and his relationships to the people around him. And the more I cared about him, the more I wound up caring about the people around him, who I’d kind of neglected before, if that makes sense? It’s a story that really rewards some good old pondering. I didn’t care that much about Lan Xichen, but then I started thinking about how Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji relate to Lan Xichen, and then oh no, I care SO MUCH about his emotions, and now I’m thinking more deeply about how Lan Xichen relates to Jin Guangyao and Nie Mingjue-- It does lose points in this ranking because it IS hard to get into, and I would struggle to keep everyone straight even more if I didn’t have the show visuals to lean on, but it is still story I enjoyed VERY much.

Third favorite: Erha, but I feel REALLY, REALLY BAD that I can’t fit Yuwu on this list too, and I just want to loop them together. It’s time travel fixit fic, but it’s the book! Yes????? I love this. I love the striking character growth we get to see, and the changing perception of the world as the main character relives through events he already experienced and sees things in a new light, and I adore how Mo Ran’s growing guilt goes hand in hand with his growing love. And Meatbun in general... like, my god. I haven’t read another author who’s able to yank me through emotional whiplash so hard and fast. She makes me hoot with laughter one moment and then burst into tears the next. It’s absolutely wild. I love mxtx, and I think svsss/tgcf are gentler entry points into the genre and deal with lighter themes, but meatbun is seriously an UNBELIEVABLE writer if you can deal with the darker topics she covers.

Second favorite: The Scum Villain’s Self-Saving System :V Look, I love it. I just love it. I love, again, characters dealing with the aftereffects of old trauma, plus I do also love seeing NEW trauma piled on top of it. I love having a main character with emotional dysregulation issues who doesn’t necessarily make good decisions, but doesn’t just leave me thinking ‘jfc what an asshole’, and I think that’s a really hard balance for an author to strike, especially without us getting direct pov. I love themes of being wanted and insecurity about being wanted, which is Luo Binghe’s major, major damage. And this is my first transmigration story I ever read, and the contrast between a main character who read the novel telling us about what’s totally going to happen versus the ground shifting under his feet is INCREDIBLY delightful to me. I’ve read other transmigration stories I enjoyed, but none that got my attention quite as much as this one.

First favorite: Tian Guan Ci Fu ;u; It’s so good. It’s so well-made! It’s so LONG, and it meanders, but also, I would scream if anyone tried to trim anything out of it. I am here a lot for the ship, honestly, but I also find the plot themes VERY interesting. I am very much here for reading about characters trying to process old trauma that’s been dredged up by new events, and also very here for the themes about how characters either pass their traumas along to the next generation, or try to shield the next generation from taking the same kind of damage (see: mdzs). And I’m also very much into tempering stories about pain with like... memories of kindness, and small acts of kindness repaid with an outpouring of devotion (see: svsss). But the craftsmanship in this book is just... DIVINE. I’m always reluctant to start rereading this one, because I have a terrible time stopping. There’s nothing about this book that I don’t like.

[sereisstuff]

𝐀 𝐥𝐞𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐝'𝐬 𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐢𝐫𝐞  J.JK

 ~   Jeon Jungkook was a lightweight champion a so-called minute legend, rising to stardom rather quickly while basking in wads of cash and pools of opportunity, therefore, leaving his right hand woman y/n to wallow in the shallows unforgivably with a relationship that pleads for more and a tension that tightens by the minute.

~ Includes - Angst, an angry Jungkook. Drug consumption and neglect. Tears, pain. Slight fluff and rough tension, foolishness, cussing and self doubt, slight kissing and mixed emotions. 

~ This is my first long one shot. 

~WORD COUNT : 4188K

Plus size reader

Jungkook was anguished, unable to comprehend the atrocities he just fulfilled in front of everyone. His anger often speculated multiple things but never did they assume they’re most beloved lightweight competitor had a source for all his rage. The fire he lit distinguished itself in his burning temper while his hand was thrust into a crowd of roaring spectators, not far from him a man laid bloodied and somewhat busted in defeat.

His opponent had muttered something about his best friend, how she would be fine under his fitted sheets with muffled moans and even if the trash talk was embedded within the arena, the amount of disgust he felt hearing those prudent words escape the man’s mouth had oiled something unforgivable inside of himself. You, of course, didn’t hear a word, unsure of your ground while you watched your childhood best friend curl his fist tightly before shoving it into the knockout zone of his opponents face, a gasp was withdrawn from your mouth and you abruptly stood with a cheer.

Yet jungkook had let a scoff escape his lips seeing the man behind him lay in his own pool of misconception, cocky it was to even consider being proud but he was nonetheless. However, this gained him the name one-minute legend, sounded like some sick perverted nickname a pubescent teen gift they’re former in hopes their self-esteem declines.

Jungkook had dashed from the stage into your arms eagerly, you both shared a heartwarming embrace as you shouted praises into his ear “You did it, kook!!! You won!! I knew you had it in you, god I’m so proud of you” his strong arms rested around your waist, tightening by the minute in fear that the spoken words his opponent shared would reach your ears. Yet that day was the destination for his publicity, gaining a name for himself also gained him a renowned position in the hierarchy of boxers.

This led to you having to constantly stick to his side like glue, he requested you be there as support and being his best friend how could you deny the luxury. Although this also led your minimal crush blossoming into something more and you couldn’t be more enraged with yourself then now, his fame was admirable but it shifted something within him.

“I assure you, their only childhood friends. It would be incompetent for him to settle so early” Yuna laughed whilst distracting the publishers of the minor county, her small glance wasn’t missed as she sorrowfully shot you a distant look. Yuna time and again proved herself worthy of managing Jungkook's matches and doing so with gratitude yet she was also your standing figure right now, Jungkook trained like there was no tomorrow and being careful of his enraged outburst they had called you in hopes of slowing his dedication down to a workable pace.

“How long has he been like this,” you asked, genuinely curious about the pertain able answer Yuna was about to give you, she seethed in an eager breath but hesitated towards the end “Yuna, I need to know. He hasn’t contacted me in days and for that to happen- I’m sorry just tell me how long he’s been training himself?” you continued once more, foot desperately tapping at the ground with anxiety filling every fiber of your being.

“He’s been going since 2 in the morning, a few hours after you left for work” she informed sadly, Yuna thought of Jungkook as a younger brother and to see him in such a distasteful state was heartbreaking for her, that and she hadn’t slept in the past two days due to the income of numerous calls and agents seeking interest in Jungkook’s formidable skills which were clearly shown in his iconic match a few months ago.

“He’s in there, right?” you countered, finger pointed to the door while waiting for Yuna to nod her head and gesture for you to go. Yuna waved you off as you walked tediously towards the door, finally able to grasp the heavy breaths and smooth punches escalating every running second just from the door which made you curious how beyond the solid wood looked?

You opened the door with a light push simultaneously you met the sight of Jungkook sweating pools of his own hard work, T-shirt disregarded to the floor and his wounds fleshing badly causing a small yelp to escape your mouth, the room was spacious, filling but a mere part of the building still, it was his to keep. Weights resided within every corner with a matte black for simplicity and not far towards the middle of the room sat a match ground with black ropes embracing it.

“Jungkook” you frowned, closing the door from the eye of the public as you walked towards Jungkook who was high in intensity, his curled fist hadn’t loosened and due to the number of overwhelming matches, he was presumably growing addicted to the adrenaline.

“No, I need to train” Jungkook grumbled, inhaling a deep long breath before he began punching the sand-filled bag once more, you removed the sneakers from your feet before stepping on to the mat respectfully“Jungkook, listen to me. You need rest and I’m not leaving until you stop what you’re doing and go home. Everyone is worried about you especially me” you pleaded heavily slowly approaching Jungkook.

His tattoos glistened under the gleaming light and the highlighted sweat, bicep tensing with every punch thrown chaotically “Go home y/n, rest or something. You’re coming to my match with me tonight?” his demanding question broke in exhaustion towards the end of his sentence, alike his notions you also cried for his attention “what if I said no, hmm?” This made him abruptly stop, a frown knitted between his two strong brows.

You’d never miss one of his matches, even as gullible children you attended every fight of his. Often going with his parents who kindly offered their protection and an escort to and from your parents home, Jungkook, however, couldn’t think about a day where you didn’t come with him everywhere, you were his best friend. The only person he willingly let succumb to his unearthly chaos, someone who could calm him on his cold nights because without you he wouldn’t be in a position that he proudly took today, literally.

“Exactly, now pack your shit Jungkook. You have a match tonight and god forbid you faint before you even reach the octagon” you spoke with an unbreakable tone, wishing to see that soft smile he once wore like a crown. The tips of his lips curled slightly but never did it fully reach his alluring eyes, he was reaching his peak publicity and you weren’t going to stop him.

Jungkook huffed using his injured hand to run through his thick, wet locks. He stood there, unclothed with a prominent aura as his tall body faced you with a perplexed look floating through his curious yet hooded hues “Come on kook, grab your things” your voice was soft and angelic, not too rough on the edges once you approached Jungkook who signed diligently to himself.

Hands caressing his cheeks while biting his lip in temptation “you can train tomorrow, you’re already doing amazing don’t overwork yourself.” Your soft touch slid down his forearm into his hands “Okay!” Jungkook looked down at you with an unreadable look composing with shivers running up and down his body as he repeated your words with a bright smile “Okay, chubs”.

He was a force to be reckoned with, founding his matches with the deepest temperamental attributes he could find within himself. He treated the ring with a mindset which he releases all his impending emotions out into the world, he had issues. Anger was only one soiling in his garden of mentality.

Almost every week you treated him to a few lunches, oftentimes he would reside in your embrace towards the end of the night where the sunny dues hollowed behind the hills and the callous moon shone with a luminescent light peeking through your barreled window cell. The lace depicted multiple floral patterns that when the moon was in the right place, shone against his warm honey coated skin in all its magnificence.

His skin was torn and rough yet held an undertone of purity, sheered in white but stained in blood. Night after night you focused on repairing his wounds, some were mild and others would be considered endangering, though it only got worse with time. Day after day his name was ringing bells on everyone’s doorstep, Jeon Jungkook the knockout champion was what they called him.

He was raised in the chain of renowned people, with this sudden title came money and fame. Jungkook earned a decent amount before but now, it was sickening. You were proud of him and discussed the sudden fame he tampered with, he promised nothing would happen. His attitude wouldn’t change yet that’s where you were foolish enough to believe his innocent intentions. 

“The winner is, Jeon Jungkook the knockout king” was looping every match followed by cheers that could be heard miles away, Jungkook would embrace you every single game, although hours later he reeked of sweat and intoxication, the callous hand of money overwhelmed him to a certain point where he no longer understood what to do with it. Money, cars and homes all laid like dimes in his hands, so he extended his degree. Spending money on you like a little barbie doll, gifting some to his parents and splashing it on awful things.

That didn’t stop you from loving him endlessly, even when it hurt you more to do so.

You had been busy at the bar you worked at, taking up double shifts when the offer was placed not having the courage to face this new publicity seeking best friend of yours. The way he downed bottles of the substance that earned you a living was cruel, never did you think the craft he dedicated himself too would put him in such a position.

“Hey, your phone has been going off for the past hour? You should really answer it” Jihoon called, the phone you had bought was impenetrable in his hands. You shrugged off his advances for you to answer Jungkook's pleads, even so Yuna’s too and probably many more people seeking your company.

“They can wait” you replied dully, shoving a bright smile onto your face. It was almost like Jungkook had finally noticed your distaste for his actions. “Surely” Jihoon rolled his eyes not liking the disliking tone seeping from your venomous mouth, change was bound to come for you and Jungkook but never did you think it would be so soon.

“How’s your boyfriend been?” Jihoon cooed making you gulp at the name “he’s not my boyfriend Jihoon, he’s just a childhood best friend is all” you spoke through a tremble, you were soon succumbing to the desirable thoughts leaking past your mind every running minute. The hatred you felt knowing the love you had for Jungkook was only ever growing, it was like walking through a haunted forest, not knowing when you were going to be pushed away.

“Whatever floats your boat, darl” his tone was lavish, almost too lavish. Pointing a finger towards the answer button on your phone leaving no room for your pleads to comfort his brass decision. Jungkook sighed hearing the phone being answered, erupting a certain taste for whom wrapped his knuckles now. He missed you, not knowing the decisions he made were pushing you further and further from his reach but you couldn’t be too devious to believe he would let such a gem escape him. 

He would be lying if he said tears didn’t escape his doe eyes every now and then, the parties, heathen bound air with a tinge of drugs seeping through his skin could never replace the warmth you offered him, comforting his insecurities in his darkest hours.

“Y/n” his breathing was uneven, erratic and almost death defying. He’d been running, training for hours on end hoping you would burst through the door claiming his acts as a monstrosity. Yet to his demise, the door rattled before the wind. Somewhat bringing comfort to his clouded mind “Hey, kook. What’s wrong? “You managed to say with eyes closed in disbelief towards your former workmate.

Jungkook whimpered as he laid alone against the wall of the gym, his eyes examining the promise ring he’d bought you “Kook?” you called again only meeting the short response of leveled breathing, worry was churning your stomach and heat raised to your cheeks “Jungkook, I have work. Call me back” and with that you impulsively hung up the line.

Jihoon shook his head, you dropped your phone onto the bench while grumbling “what?” Jihoon laughed, smiling towards another customer who took the drink leaving the bar empty for you both to conversate openly “Why don’t you tell him?” he asked.

“Tell him what? He can’t even talk properly without slurring cause he’s so bloody intoxicated all the time” it was a painful truth, to cover up his failure he chose a path of addiction and the side he would reside on your bed was left to wallow in the tender touch of winter.

“Tell him that you love him?!?” Jihoon shouted, gaining the eyes of the vigilant visitors. Some began to point to your direction constantly discussing your name very faintly, just like that you were known as his best friend. Something you’ll forever be and that was the painstaking truth.

“You know I can’t do that, Jihoon. No matter how much I love him, how reckless he is, I will always only be the best friend, his right hand girl. It sucks but there’s nothing I can do about it, because no matter how hard I wanna stop feeling, He’ll always have those alluring eyes staring at me, giving me hope” you breathed, tears brimming the edges of your eyes

…….

The sudden knock against your home door woke you from your sleep, glancing towards the broken clock sitting beside your bed as the time read 2.45 am. The knock rung continuously following a few sounds of metal being fiddled with, the struck noise made you rise tirelessly from your slumber, curling a tight hand around the minimal pocket knife placed under your pillow for protection.

The perpetrator groaned, wailing in agony for the door to relish under the mellow light once you turned it on feeling oddly familiarized with the tone. Hand brisking the handle with a tedious turn in your wrist, a heavy breath migrated from your throat with the knife heaving in your sea of worries. pulling the door open, following the broken wood came Jungkook's drunk state, his ear was solid against the door listening to any footsteps you might have produced through your journey, perching himself against the door towards the sudden pull.

 “Have you been drinking, again?” you prompted first in worry, Jungkook was slurring through his words. noticing his car parked across your lawn and the door of his new BMW was opened, left to close itself. He was leant up against your door with an incurable pain in his eyes and a bottle raised to your face “why have you been ignoring me, chubs” Jungkook slurred tripping over his own feet, the hoodie seized on his ruffled hair almost sliding off with every harsh move he made. You ignored his incoherent whines, taking long strides to his car. The smell was revolting, almost like an intoxicating drug was thrown around carelessly wafting into the air of dampened clothes and alcoholic beverages. Not seeing your former for the past week only for him to come barging into your home at early hours of dusk

You turned his engine off and continued to close his doors safely, Jungkook had caught himself on the step lying face-first on the floor. The sudden impact caused an array of wounds to crack open leaving his beaten face bloodied in injuries “Come on, kook. Let’s get you cleaned up, alright” you gasped, lending a hand around his neck after he tousled on the floor with a groan.

Jungkook didn’t have it in himself to fight, shimmering under the bright light was a bed comfortable enough for him to fall into a comatose state.

“God, look at you. You're a mess” You reached behind your small cupboard grabbing a medical kit, leaning in unconsciously, hence being used to bandaging his wounds you began applying a decent amount of ointment and alcohol to his face after cleansing it gently with some water. Jungkook had slightly sobered up, yet he didn’t speak.

Admiring the proximity as you were inches away from his face, peeking from beneath his bangs at you tiredly apprehending his injuries with delicacy. It was all sudden, his strong breath hit your face as he spoke, this time clearly and fully demanding your attention “why have you been ignoring me?” he rumbled slowly

He clearly hadn’t been paying attention towards himself lately, there were multiple reasons as to why you no longer comforted him on his off nights “Just rest up” you replied, ignoring his silent plea which fell on deaf ears “No, y/n. I need answers, you stopped showing up to training. You stopped answering my calls and I’m lucky if I even get a reply to my messages. I’m sure if I had a match this week you wouldn't even show up. So tell me, I have the right to know why you're being so distant.” Jungkook growled, his overflowing bottle of ridicule was filling to a brim

You pinched the bridge of your nose tentatively examining his face “just look at you Jungkook, it’s like I don’t even know you anymore” the truth was weightless on your tongue, darting a tongue across your lips, glistening them in saliva causing Jungkook to stare down at your lips before darting his eyes back onto your face. His eyes wide in frustration “I could say the same for you” he scoffed.

“you show up to my house at quarter to three in the morning drunk off your ass. Thinking I’m gonna embrace you with all my love, you’ve been doing this for the past three months, Jungkook. Three!! Of course I’m gonna be worried about you but I can’t do it anymore” your heart hammered against your chest and the unreadable look on his face was horrifying.

Jungkook was lost for words, just about to defend his acts before you shut him up again “Remember when we were kids, you promised you wouldn’t hurt me, ever, now look at you. It pains me more to ignore you, but right now I can’t even look at you without wanting to cry” Jungkook had stood up with his intricate hair shielding his sight, ready to face the consequences of his actions towards the one he silently loved from afar.

“You said you would always be there for me now look, where were you huh? Where was that kookie who couldn’t even watch a romance movie without crying. You think ignoring you was the worst, you left me every single night to go get high off your kite only to come weeping back into my arms for me to face the harsh aftermath kook. I’m sick of it” Your voice was shouting, the clouded thoughts struck Jungkook harshly as his nostrils flared in anger.

You stood up, matching his posture. Your hand clasp around his chest with your head hung low “I love you Jungkook, but you can’t even be there for me. I’m tired and you don’t even notice, I’m just some punching bag for your emotions like a fucking idiot. But you know I won’t leave you and that’s the messed up part” your tears caressed your cheeks, rapidly seeking an output.

Jungkook leaned his head back suddenly feeling the weight of his loss crash down on his harder than ever, reaching around your nape to embrace your body in his. Seizing your fist in his open palms leading your struggling arms around his tiny waist.

He rested his head on top of yours, the hot tears pooling around his hoodie “I’m sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking y/n.” was all he managed to say, in all honesty Jungkook never let any harm befall you, recent times called for him to fall effortlessly in love with you yet you still managed to make him fall deeper, he’d always liked you from the beginning even as a child, you were his number one supporter, never leaving his side amidst the risk.

“Your so stupid, Jungkook.” Came your sniffle, you’d stopped crying a moment ago but preferred to relish in the memories of Jungkook's embrace, when was the last time he held you like this? It was warm, shaded by his cold outlook Jungkook was rarely what the media depicted.

“Look at me, y/n” Jungkook coeed leaning his head back a little bit enough for his hands to cradle your chubby cheeks in his large hands, your tear glistening eyes peered up at him “You deserve the world and if you give me a chance I’ll do anything to give it to you, let me make it up to you and I promise I won’t fuck it up this time” Jungkook words had knitted your frown together, what was he asking?

“What do you mean?” you questioned warily, Jungkook used his tattooed hand as a tissue wiping your tears away with the pad of his thumb “I bought you something a while ago, I couldn’t find it in myself to ask you but now I feel like this is the only time I’ll have the courage to do it.”  He proposed nervously, reaching deep into his pocket while one of his arms still tenderly embraced your waist.

Out came an indigo box, the sudden thought brought a gasp from your lips “will you take this promise ring? My love” my love? Everything was so freshen in abundance, you nodded your head in infirmity. Claming to the thin veil of hope that this wasn’t just a dream, the man you loved since you could first remember was suddenly laying his life and career on the line to promise you something you only wished for.

But was it the right choice?  

Jungkook pulled you into a passionate kiss once you screamed a strong and prominent yes, too eager you were to gain his hand in marriage. It was all unfathomable, he’d also involuntarily moved you into his priceless mansion he adjusted to weeks earlier. You were still adjusting to calling him your boyfriend too, knowing a promise ring meant nothing but what was said in the word. A promise.

He made your Mondays more enjoyable, waking up to his exquisite beauty and oftentimes incoherent snores which you came to adore. Bopping his bruised nose while caressing his cheek, treasuring the moment. He yearned for an embrace to coo in and you gave that, the warmth you offered was his to grasp.

He also stopped coming home high off his kite, the alcohol abuse subsidized and you couldn’t be more happy to have the old kook back. Attending his fights every week with a new outlook for the media, notorious for protecting Jungkook and calming him down when others looked down at his abilities and even when they would make explicit detailed things to say to you in hopes of angering their former opponent.

“Just ignore them baby” you would say, holding his hand tightly in remembrance of your existence, roping him back to reality and soothing the red he was growing to see.

“I’m yours okay baby, don’t worry about them” You muttered after the incident, your dress rising up as you straddled Jungkook to gain his attention “ forget about him.” you continued, Jungkook had a dark look in his eyes. Gawking towards your position as his hands placed themselves on your exposed thighs covered in his markings he consciously made nights before “I’ll always be here okay, look at me. I’ve been here since the beginning nothing and I mean nothing will make me ever want to leave you”

Jungkook breathed, blinking rapidly as his head bobbed down leaving you to pick his chin up to face your worried face. The driver had already left the building and you both were off to his next event, yet even with a face as bruised as his own people still recognized him “keep your head high kook, I love you and I just wish the best for you okay” you were pecking his lips in reassurance and he managed to pull the ends of his lips into a simple smile.

“I’ll listen to you” Jungkook spoke, leaning his forehead against yours as you both shared a breath. Reminiscing the days where you cradled each other in friendship “I love you baby”

Nothing was ever harder for a boxer then the constant matches, yet being with one was probably the hardest task of all.

[un-beel-ievable]

The demon brothers reacting to a MC that makes a plushie that looks like one of the others 🧸

Author’s note: Please do not repost!! If you like my writing, please leave a like and a comment (and follow me to see similar content in the future :D)!

_____

Lucifer ☕:

(MC makes a plushie of Satan.)

• You made a plushie of...Satan. Huh.

• Your craftsmanship is impeccable, he'll give you that. You deserve credit where credit is due, after all. But you notice his eyebrows furrow slightly as he holds the plushie at arms length; a subtle display of his displeasure, only noticeable to those who know him well.

• Why in the world would you make a plushie of Satan? It wasn't as if the two of your were particularly close...actually, now that he thinks about it, you and Satan have been really friendly lately.

• He's irritable for the rest of the day. He isn't the type that would take out his emotions on everyone else, but the change in his mood is noticeable enough that everyone steers clear of him for a while.

• Doesn't say anything directly to you but when you get home from RAD one day, you find your plushie sitting in the far corner of your room, facing the wall...definitely in a different position from when you left for class this morning.

Mammon 💳:

(MC makes a plushie of Asmodeus.)

• You...you made a plushie of that narcissist? You're kidding, right? It's not like he needs his ego to be even more inflated than it already is...

• Tries to act like he couldn't care less, but he's nowhere near close to being subtle about his jealousy. After all, he's always had a tendency to wear his heart on his sleeve. 

• He sulks for a week straight.

• Like Lucifer, he doesn't say anything to you directly...but suddenly he's a million times more clingy than usual. "Hey, MC! We should go to Hell's Kitchen after school!" "MC! I'm coming to your room later, let's watch a movie together!" "Oi, human...are you listening to me? I asked if you were free to do something together tonight."

• The question of whether you and Asmo are together or not is constantly on his mind...but he's too afraid to know the answer.

Leviathan 🎮:

(MC makes a plushie of Mammon.)

• I mean, it's not like he expected you to make a plushie of him...and it's definitely not like he wanted you to make a plushie of him. He's just a yucky otaku, after all...it's for the best that you modeled it after one of the others.

• Doesn't really react outwardly...but wow. His aura just got a lot gloomier.

• Spends a lot more time in his room than usual, losing himself in video games and anime. (Hardly anyone notices, because Levi barely spends any time out of his room as it is.)

• Keeps asking himself what Mammon has that he doesn't.

• When he's done wallowing in self pity, he makes an attempt to better himself for you. He starts leaving his room a little more, and trying to become more confident in himself. Maybe if he believed he was a catch...you would too.

Satan 📚:

(MC makes a plushie of Lucifer.)

• He's furious, but he's pretty sure that blowing up over this issue isn't going to make him any more attractive to you...so he just mutters angrily in private.

• Why in the name of Devildom would you make a plushie of Lucifer?!

• Once he cools down, he just gets...really sad.

• The amount of confidence he has in himself drops.

• It's already bad enough that Lucifer has to take the spotlight in pretty much everything...and now Lucifer was taking away the one person he actually liked as well? Was he ever going to step out of Lucifer's shadow? He was so tired of being second best to Lucifer...would he ever be someone's number one?

• Everytime he glances at the plushie, he's reminded that he wasn't, and still isn't, good enough for you.

Asmodeus 👄:

(MC makes a plushie of Mammon.)

• You made...a plushie of that airhead?

• Seriously? You had a model right in front of you, plus you'd seen him shirtless plenty of times so you definitely had an abundance of references to work from.

• Gets pretty worked up, but he can't pinpoint the reason why. There are hundreds -no, thousands- of succubi and witches who would be willing to sell their soul to him, nevermind just doing something as simple as making a plushie. So why does you making a plushie of Mammon matter so much to him?

• He sits across you at the dining table and sees you offer Mammon a smile so sweet, it could have given everyone at the table diabetes there and then. And for the first time in his entire existence, he feels a pang in his heart as he watches the first person that he's ever truly wanted slip through his fingers.

Beelzebub 🍔:

(MC makes a plushie of Belphegor.)

• He's happy; he's happy that you're getting along with Belphie, and that you like his twin enough to make a plushie of him.

• He's happy...so what's with this hollow feeling inside of him?

• He eats, twice as much as he usually does, in a futile attempt to get rid of the empty feeling. He eats so much that several Devildom fast food chains have to close shop for the day. The only one surprised at the fact that all that binging didn't make him any less miserable is himself.

• Doesn't say anything to you or Belphie. It's not fair on the two of you...it's neither of your faults. You deserve to be happy together...and besides, he's supposed to be happy for you both.

• He's wanted Belphie to find his own happiness for so long...so how can he be jealous of his twin now?

Belphegor 🛏:

(MC makes a plushie of Lucifer.)

• ...ugh. What's this he's feeling?

• Apart from the period of time where he hated humans, he's never felt such strong emotions towards...anyone before. And he's pretty sure he doesn't hate you.

• Keeps casting dirty looks at the plushie. His death glares are so intense that it's a miracle your plushie hasn't spontaneously combusted yet.

• Wanders around the house sulking. Out of all the demons you could have chosen to be your muse...it had to be his oldest brother, didn't it? He'd much rather you make a plushie of that annoying chihuahua...Luke, was it?

• He's so miserable that he actually turns to Mammon for an answer. He's prepared for Mammon to say any number of crackheaded things, but what he doesn't expect is for Mammon to pat him on the back and give him a wry smile. "You're in love with her, aren't you?"

[skinks]

hi!!! what are your favourite movies? like actually good ones but also any trashy comfort movies? is IT (2017) one of them?

Hello!! IT (2017) IS ABSOLUTELY ONE OF THEM oh man, thank you for this, I love talking about movies!!!! This is possibly the most difficult question you could have asked me. Apologies for how absolutely off the rails this got, I just... love movies so much lmao

I’ve said this before, but opening night of IT ch1 was the best cinema experience I’ve ever had, I’m so glad I got to see it with a fully packed audience who were all laughing and screaming together the whole way through. I’m a huge fan of... everything ch1 was doing, the 80s nostalgia, the summer-coming-of-age themes, the solid ghost train funhouse JOY of the Pennywise performance and scares, the washed-out cinematography, the tiny background details to make everything that much more eerie, the kids’ ACTING?!

Like, a lot of the time I find child actors can be really awkward and stilted to watch, but I remember leaving the cinema really impressed by JDG and Sophia Lillis in particular. I liked that they were all allowed to be little shitheads with potty mouths, it felt like a callback to 80s movies like The Lost Boys or Stand By Me. The whole thing worked to make me really care about what happened to the kids (even if I do still have issues with how they handled Mike. I understand even ch1 had limitations with juggling so many characters, but still). I saw it another 2 times in the cinema and have rewatched it at least, I dunno, 7-10 more times since then?

Add to all of that the retroactive CANON R+E baby pining subplot? I just love it, as if that wasn’t obvious by now given my Whole Blog. It’s a really special movie to me!

Anyway!! Ok, the main handful of movies I rewatch all the fucking time are:

Back to the Future, The Lost Boys, Pride and Prejudice (2005), Jaws, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, The Breakfast Club, Ocean’s 11, POTC 1, The Dark Knight, Inception, Die Hard, LOTR trilogy, Snatch, The Nice Guys, Logan Lucky, Mad Max Fury Road, Clueless, 10 Things I Hate About You, Billy Elliot, Dirty Dancing, Tomb Raider (2018)...

Those are the easily consumable ones that I’ve seen so many times I don’t really have to concentrate or think about them, but I really love them and unfortunately often KEEP rewatching them instead of new stuff. It would take too long to go into why I love all these movies so much because I could write the same amount as I already did for ITCH1, and everyone already knows why those movies are good, so, lol.

I think I’m gonna have to subdivide and categorise this whole post because there are too many separate criteria for... goOD MOVIES, AUUHH 😩

Okay so first off, HORROR MOVIES? I’m especially in love with Re-Animator (1985) and its sequel Bride of Re-Animator, they’re such good examples of camp and batshit 80s practical effects, and also EXTREMELY funny. I’m actually just gonna post my list of my fave horror movies that I do actually keep on my phone at all times lmao. These are in no particular order:

Wholeheartedly recommend every one of these. I’ve never been so scared in my life as I was watching Hereditary in the cinema, hoo boy. Mother! by Aronofsky is one of the strangest experiences I’ve ever had (and I actually saw it on the same day I saw IT ch1 for the first time!! That was a fun day)

Psycho (1960) and The Fly from 1986 should also be on there but I couldn’t fit them in the screenshot.

I’m a HUGE fan of a ton of martial arts movies too, like Kung Fu Hustle, Shaolin Soccer, Ip Man, The Raid movies, John Wick 3 is my fave of the trilogy, Drive from 1997 with Mark Dacascos is incredible, SPL 2, Ong-Bak, Operation Condor, Project A, Iron Monkey, and Zatoichi (2003) are some favourites.

My favourite Tarantino is Reservoir Dogs, fave Coen brothers are Raising Arizona, The Ballad of Buster Scruggs and O Brother Where Art Thou. Love some old-timey colour correction and weird offbeat dialogue. I also love Goodfellas!!! And Donnie Brasco! And The Firm, I’m so easy for any good crime/law/gangster/heist procedural like that, especially if they’re from the 80s or 90s in a super dated way.

Fave Disney movie is Tarzan, favourite Ghibli movies are Spirited Away and Lupin III. I remember watching Spirited Away during a thunderstorm one time and it being.... god! Transcendent! Favourite Pixar movie is The Incredibles (the first one. ALSO the documentary “The Pixar Story” is great and well worth a watch, it’s very comforting for some reason) and my favourite Dreamworks movies are HTTYD1 and Spirit: Stallion of the Cimmaron.

I tend to watch more anime movies than tv shows, so stuff like Akira, The Girl Who Leapt Through Time, Summer Wars, Journey to Agartha, and my ultimate fave anime is Sword of the Stranger (2008). The climactic fight in that movie is fucking stunning and should be counted in “bests fights” lists right alongside anything live action

Also if we’re talking animated movies another hearty favourite is Rango, and a Belgian stop-motion (which at one time I considered my favourite movie ever) called Panique Au Village (2009) which is one of the funniest movies ever made imo.

As for TRASHY movies, I’m not sure if that’s the right word for how I feel about these ones but.. dumb/silly/slightly guilty pleasure movies? Ones that I feel need some kind of justification lmfao

Troy - something u must know about me is that I’m a giant slut for the Assassin’s Creed franchise, so if a movie smashes historical and mythological nonsense together with fun costumes and sword fights, I’m gonna enjoy myself. Even if they should have made Achilles and Patroclus gay. Other movies in this vein are King Arthur: Legend of the Sword, and Immortals (2011)

Gods of Egypt - I know all the reasons this movie is whitewashed bullshit. But it was already bullshit with giant Anubis mecha and giant snakes and bad acting and ridiculous CGI and frankly I had a blast at the cinema (my friend who I forced to come with me did not have a blast. Sorry H***)

Avatar - yes, the one with the big blue people. This movie gets a lot of flack nowadays but I really do enjoy it just for the spectacle. The full CGI world technology was so new at the time and I love to wallow in the visuals and daydream about riding a cool dragon around in the jungle

George of the Jungle - I’ll defend this movie to the death ok this movie shaped me as a person, it is fucking hilarious and Brendan Fraser is the himbo to end all himbos. It’s perfect. The song Dela is perfect. I still want to write a reddie AU about it. It’s one of the best movies ever made and I’m not being ironic

Set It Up - I KNOW this is a dumb Netflix original romcom but consider this; it was funny and the leads had great chemistry. I got butterflies. I once watched it and then literally immediately set it back to the start so I could watch it again

The Brady Bunch Movie - when people talk about great satires or parodies you will see them bring up the same movies over and over again, Blazing Saddles, This Is Spinal Tap etc, but they never talk about The Brady Bunch Movie from 1995 for some reason, which they should. It is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen and every time i watch it somehow it gets funnier

Some more general favourites that I do still love but don’t rewatch as often, and don’t wanna go into more detail about are:

Moon (2009), Crna Mačka Beli Mačor, The Sixth Sense, Parasite, The Handmaiden, Tremors, Wet Hot American Summer, Tucker and Dale vs Evil, What We Do In The Shadows, Hunt For the Wilderpeople, The Secret of My Success (I love kitschy 80s movies, is that obvious by now), The Green Mile, When Harry Met Sally, Rear Window, The Odd Couple, Breaking Away, Pan’s Labyrinth, To Kill A Mockingbird, The Eagle, Gladiator, The Artist, The Extraordinary Adventures of Adèle Blanc-Sec, Call Me By Your Name, Master and Commander, Pacific Rim, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Legend (1985), Emma. (2020), Flash Gordon, Trolljegeren, Hross í Oss, Beverly Hills Cop, Coming to America, WarGames, District 9, Ajeossi (2010), Tracks (2013), Sightseers, Mud (2012), Pitch Black, Four Lions, Shaun of the Dead, Starship Troopers, The Truman Show, Withnail & I....... Jesus Christ ok I need to stop

NOTABLE EXTREME FAVOURITES that I didn’t include in the regular rewatch list because they’re too heavy/not as well known/require more attention.:

Thin Red Line (1998), Badlands (1973) both dir. Terrence Malick

Malick’s brand of dreamy impressionistic filmmaking is something I find really appealing, both of these movies are gorgeous and unusual and poignant and, in the case of Thin Red Line at least, have a lot of things to say about a lot of rough subjects. I don’t totally understand all those things sometimes, but a theme with a lot of my favourite movies is that I’ll be more likely to love something long-term if it raises unanswered questions, or is surreal/esoteric etc. Plus the cinematography is incredible, and I wish there was a way to get Jim Caviezel’s narration from The Thin Red Line as an audiobook because it’s very poetic and soothing.

Let the Bullets Fly (2010) dir. Jiang Wen

This movie is WILD, it’s so much fun. It’s sprawling and intricate and epic and smart and really fucking funny, it! Has! Everything! A gang of very tolerant outlaws!! Jiang Wen’s beautiful broad chest!!! Chow Yun Fat absolutely DECIMATING the scenery, and the two of them outsmarting each other in order to gain control of a small Chinese town!!! Plus it’s long, but it packs so much nonsense and intrigue that it goes by really fast. Wow what a flick

A Field in England (2013) dir. Ben Wheatley

I know I included this in my horror list but aaaaahhh ahhhh Wheatley is one of my favourite directors (he also made Sightseers, and is directing the Tomb Raider sequel which makes me absolutely rabid.) This is a surreal black-and-white psychological horror black comedy set in the English Civil War about some deserters who may or may not meet the Devil in a field. People eat mushrooms. It’s bonkers. I love being blasted in the face with imagery that I don’t understand

Mandy (2018) dir. Panos Cosmatos

Speaking of being blasted in the face!!!!! This movie... I saw it in the cinema and I can’t even begin to explain the experience, but I’ll try. My favourite review site described it like this:

“...somewhere between a prog album cover come to life and a metal album cover come to life, and subscribes to both genre's artistic tendency towards maximalism: what it ends up being is basically naught else but two glorious hours of being pounded by bold colors...”

So, prog and metal are my two favourite genres of music. This movie opens with the quote “When I die, bury me deep, lay two speakers at my feet, put some headphones on my head and rock and roll me when I'm dead.” and then a King Crimson song, it is SURREAL to the nth degree, it’s violent and bizarre and Nic Cage forges a giant silver axe to destroy demonic bikers and there is a CHAINSAW DUEL. A galaxy swirls above a quarry. Multiple animated horror nightmare sequences. At one point a man says “you exude a cosmic darkness” and releases a live tiger. At another point Cage says, in a digitally deepened voice, “The psychotic drowns where the mystic swims. You’re drowning. I’m swimming.” and I haven’t stopped thinking about it for two years

Paper Moon (1973) dir. Peter Bogdanovich

Really fantastic movie set in the Great Depression (and also in black & white) about a conman and a little kid who may or may not be his daughter, running cons across the Midwest. It’s beautifully shot, so sharp and sweet and the progression of their dynamic is really well done because they’re played by an IRL father and daughter. Tatum O’Neal was NINE YEARS OLD and she’s so amazing in this movie she’s actually the youngest person to win a competitive category Oscar. I keep trying to get people to watch this fbdjfjdbf it’s wonderful

Alpha (2018) dir. Albert Hughes

THIS MOVIE IS A VICTIM OF BAD MARKETING ok, the trailers made it look like some twee crappy sentimental Boy And His Dog Adventure, plus it had voiceovers in American-accented english? That’s a total disservice to one of the coolest things about this film; the fact that they got a linguist to construct an entirely original Neolithic language that all the characters speak for the entire runtime. And yes, it is eventually a Boy And His Wolf adventure, but it’s COOL and fairly brutal, and it has some really incredible cinematography. The landscapes are so strange and barren and alien, you really get the sense that this is an ancient world we no longer have any connection to. And it’s also about like, the birth of dog & human companionship sooo it’s perfect.

Free Solo (2018) dir. Elizabeth Chai Vasarhelyi, Jimmy Chin

The Free Climbing Documentary. I loved climbing as a kid, I love outdoor sports, and I love movies that elicit a physical reaction in me, whether that’s horny, scared, real laughter, overwhelming shivers, or in the case of Free Solo - HORRIBLE SWEATING TENSION. Like, I knew about Alex Honnold beforehand because of this adventure film festival I go to every year and I followed him on IG so obviously I knew he lived, but the actual climb itself was torture. My hands sweat every time I see it!! It’s incredible, such a cool look into generally what the human body can do, and more specifically, why Honnold’s psychology and life means he’s so well suited to free soloing. It’s such an exercise in getting to know an individual and get invested in them, before they attempt something very potentially fatal.

Brokeback Mountain (2005) dir. Ang Lee

I can’t even talk about this. When I was around 13 I snuck downstairs to watch this on TV at 11pm in secret, and my life was forever changed. I wouldn’t be who I am if I hadn’t seen Brokeback at the age I did. I seriously can’t talk about this or I’ll write an even longer essay than this already is

God’s Own Country (2017) dir. Francis Lee

The antidote to Brokeback Mountain, I’m so glad I managed to see this one in the cinema too. It makes me cry every time, as someone who’s spent years working on a cold British farm with sheep it was very realistic, which is expected since Lee grew up on a farm in Yorkshire. I love that this movie isn’t really about being closeted, but about being so emotionally repressed and self-loathing that the main character finds it so hard to accept love. Or that he deserves to be loved. The cinnamontographies.... lordt... but also the intimacy and sex scenes are fucking searing wow who hasn’t seen this movie by now. 10 stars. 20 stars!!!

Tomboy (2011) dir. Céline Sciamma

I saw this years ago but I’ve never forgotten it, it cut so deep. It’s from the director of Portrait of a Lady on Fire and it’s about a gnc kid struggling with gender and misogyny and homophobia in a really raw, scrappy way, it reminded me very much of my own... childhood... ahh the central performance is amazing for such a young age. I haven’t seen Portrait yet but I feel like if you went nuts for that, you should definitely check this out, it’s lovely.

Donnie Darko (2001) dir. Richard Kelly

EVERY TIME I WATCH THIS MOVIE I UNDERSTAND LESS AND LESS and that’s what I love so much about it. I love surreal movies, I love time-fuckery and stuff about altered perception etc etc and Donnie Darko scratches all my itches. I wish I could find a way to figure out an IT AU for it, because I know it would work! Somehow! Plus it’s got the subdued 80s nostalgia and I found it at an age when I was really starting to explore movies and music and the soundtrack FUCKS.

Offside (2006) dir. Jafar Panahi

I wish more people knew about this!!! It’s an Iranian film about a disparate group of women and girls who are football fans and want to watch Iran’s qualifying match for the World Cup, but women aren’t allowed into the stadium, so they all get thrown into the Stadium Jail together? They don’t know each other beforehand, but it’s about their changing relationships with each other and the guards and just, their defiance alongside hearing the match from the outside and WOW it’s so lively. Great dialogue and very funny, and such a different kind of story from anything you usually see from Hollywood.

The Fall (2006) dir. Tarsem Singh

This movie... I guess it’s the ideal. This is the platonic ideal of a film for me, it has fantasy, magical realism, glorious visuals, amazing score and costumes and production design and a really interesting, heartbreaking relationship at the core of it. I don’t know why so many of my favourite films feature incredibly raw performances by child actors but this is another one, Catinca Untaru barely knew any English and improvised so much because of that, and it’s fascinating to watch! Also the dynamic with Lee Pace is one of my favourites, where a kid forms a friendship with a guardian figure who isn’t their parent, but the guardian grows to really care for them by the end. It’s like Paper Moon in that sense. What is there to even say about this movie, it’s pure magic joy tempered and countered by genuine gutwrenching emotional conflict in the real world, it’s also ABOUT old moviemaking, in a way, and it’s stunning to look at!

Mad Max Fury Road (2015) dir. George Miller

I know I included this in my “most rewatched” section but it deserves its own thing. We all know why this movie is fucking incredible. I remember clutching my armrests in the cinema and feeling like my skeleton was being blasted back into the seat behind me and tbh that is the high I’m constantly chasing when I go to see any movie. What a fucking gift this film is

Théo et Hugo dans le Même Bateau (2016) dir. Olivier Ducastel, Jacques Martineau

I only found this movie last year and it became an instant favourite. Initially I was just curious because I’d never seen a movie with unsimulated sex before, but it’s so much more than the 18 minute gay sex club orgy it opens with. No, not more than, AS WELL AS. The orgy is important because this movie is so candid and frank about sex and HIV treatment in the modern day, it was eye-opening. Another thing that really got me is that I’d never seen a real-time film before. It’s literally an hour and a half in the lives of these two men, their intense connection and conversation and conflict in the middle of the night in Paris, with some really nice night photography and just!!! Wow!!! AMAZING CHEMISTRY between the actors. This is such a gem if you’re comfortable with explicit sexual content.

Ok. This is already over 3k but film is obviously one of my ridiculous passions and I can and do talk about it for hours. I’ve been reading magazines about it for years, listening to podcasts and reading review blogs and recently, watching video essays on YouTube because the whole process is so interesting to me and I want to learn more!!

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about the concept of valuing form over narrative. The idea that story can often come second to the deeper physical experience and emotional reaction that’s created by using ALL the elements of filmmaking and not just The Story, y’know? Whether that’s editing, shot composition, colour, the sound mix, the actors, how it should all be used to heighten the emotional state the script wants you to feel. And so, I think for a few years now this approach has been influencing the types of films I really, really love.

I think I love surreality and mind-bending magical realism in films specifically because the filmmakers have to use all those different tools to convey things that can be way too metaphysical for just... a script? I’m always chasing that physical response; if a movie can make me stop thinking “I wonder what it was like to set up that shot” and instead overwhelm that suspension of disbelief, if I can be terrified or woozy or crying for whatever reason, that’s what I’m looking for. That’s why I watch so many fuckin movies, and why I’ll always remember nights like seeing IT (2017) for giving me another favourite.

Thank you again for this question, I didn’t mean to go so overboard. Also there’s no way to do a readmore on tumblr mobile so apologies to anyone’s dashboard 😬

[sepublic]

Something to add to the multiple notes of the developing monopolies with potion/healing services - the Owl House family (and Lilith because if Eda wasn't going to let Lilith get petrified in the first place I don't think she's willing to let her get petrified now and Eda's the one with the security system) are in for economic strife. Eda's business is hampered with less supply of trash/merchandise and Lilith is not only an extra mouth to feed without an income but also probably needs Elixir.

Which was already something that Eda had difficulty obtaining for herself, with all her magic behind her. The group is also in for Lilith likely being our stand in for Eda figuring out how to manage said curse. Like proper medication levels with her magic stores versus Eda's (and shifting levels likely given she's on her last hurrah of bile. Which in true narrative fashion is likely to be used in the pettiest way possible or dramatic.)

-

           It’s worth nothing that amidst my own previous speculation of Lilith possibly learning to live the way Eda and the others do… Well, she’s also the only one with access to bile-based magic, so in some ways she’s the least liability to the group! And sure, her magic IS weakened, but considering how powerful she was beforehand –her only frame of reference was Eda ‘the most powerful witch in the Boiling Isles’ Clawthorne- I think Lilith actually has a lot to provide!

           Especially since she knows how the Emperor’s Coven works… But then Belos knows that SHE knows, so he might switch tactics accordingly, I dunno. Still, Lilith may know a thing or two about Owl Mask, so that’s worth considering!

           Not to mention, Eda mentions that she sells human junk as a ‘side business’, that her main form of revenue comes from Potions… And obviously that will be more difficult because she doesn’t know any Potion Glyphs, but there is speculation that Potions wouldn’t require as much bile as other fields of magic, and Lilith IS there and was also in the Potions Track! Not to mention, one doesn’t rise to the top of the Emperor’s Coven without knowing a LOT about magic… So I can see Lilith offering her knowledge in other fields to help the cast!

           It’s not even out of the question for her to work full-time in helping Eda’s potion business, doing Potions-stuff just like the good old days! Plus, maybe Lilith could even try to make a living as a private tutor for those who are interested, especially since other people have expressed more intrigue at the idea of being a rebel thanks to Willow’s rallying speech in the Season Finale. Coupled with the ideas of community banding together, and I can see people like Morton going out of their way to help Lilith and Eda with the elixir issue, and vice-versa!

          And since the curse is shared between Lilith and Eda, it’s possibly we may not even have a complete and total transformation for either sister, which means less elixir would be needed, etc.! They’d probably require the same amount of elixir as they did for just Eda beforehand, only now neither sister’s curse will individually get bad enough that elixir will stop working, period. Then we’ve got Eda still likely having leftover human junk, not to mention all of those snails she got from the Bat Queen and stole from Tibbles…

           All in all, I think the Owl House’s financial situation is going to be pretty fine! Not to say there isn’t any potential for struggle here or there, of course… But it’s not exactly hopeless! Of course, there is the idea that Lilith won’t stay around because she doesn’t want to be a burden, which could lead to her lending her help and share of snails while paying for herself as well… I guess we’ll just have to wait and see!

           But yes, I LOVE the idea of Lilith being used as a stand-in for the experience of learning to cope with the curse… And I love the idea of Eda finding comfort in instructing someone else on how to cope with the curse thanks to her own experience, even if that person WAS the one who cursed her in the first place! And we can get Lilith better understanding what Eda went through, especially since she’s only sharing half of the curse at most… Possibly feeling the need to fix her mistakes more, help Eda a lot, etc.!

          Maybe Lilith will end up overprotective of Eda in her attempts to make up and out of a genuine sense of older-sisterly caring, and Eda has to remind her that, hey- Sure I may have lost all my bile and am learning glyphs now, but I still managed just FINE without you, or even Luz, for several years of my life! And obviously this statement hurts, but at the same time Lilith can’t argue with it either.

          And Lilith learns to respect Eda and not infantilize or patronize her for her disability, which then better helps Lilith understand that there was more to Eda’s decisions in life than just the curse, that she had issues with the system, and that JUST fixing the curse isn’t going to address all of the other reasons Eda was angry at Lilith for; And THOSE reasons were the only ones Eda had for years no less! Lilith will probably learn to be more empathetic and less judgmental, and better understand what Eda went through, and become more fixated on actually addressing the issue and repairing it instead of wallowing in self-pity, or looking to another solution that doesn’t absolve Lilith of the burden.

          Not to mention, the tenderness of Eda helping Lilith navigate things, helping take care of her and vice-versa, just like old times… I think it opens the venue for just a lot of heartwarming scenes of sisterly love, while also exploring what handling disabilities are like in media, and making it clear to the audience that it’s perfectly livable and that you CAN cope with it, it’s not hopeless!

[the-hufflepuff-dramatist]

Pages Between Us (1/?)

Anonymous requested: For the drabble game, could you do number 4 with leo pls❤ I love your writing so much

Anonymous requested: I know your links are broken and you’re busy with other stuff but can I please request #4 from the drabble game with vampire or immortal Leo? He owns/works at a library and reader finds it secluded in a dingy part of town but she likes it so much she makes a habit of going as much as she can? Thank you!! I really love your blog!!

A/N: So this is an Immortal AU and it’s going to be a series because I got a little carried away. I hope it’s okay that I combined your requests, I just really didn’t want to write the same prompt for the same person twice. I don’t know how long this series is going to be just yet, but I hope you like it! Hopefully I’ll be updating regularly and thank you so much for requesting! I’m so sorry it took me so long to complete these requests. 

Pairing: Immortal!Leo x Female Reader

Warnings: None really, there’s some slight angst at the beginning and some slight issues with self worth near the end but nothing major

Word Count: 2,659

Drabble Challenge Prompts

4. “You are easily the most beautiful thing I’ve seen in a thousand years.”

You had stormed out of the apartment and started walking with no particular destination in mind. You were fuming. 

Your significant other of a year and a half who you were living with had decided all of a sudden that they didn’t love you anymore. That it was time to break up. It hurt, but you figured it was a long time coming. The love between the two of you had been fading for a long time. What hurt the most though, was not that they were no longer in love with you, but that they had found someone else. Someone new. Someone better. 

They were packing up their stuff but you couldn’t take it. You couldn’t stand to be in the apartment with them any longer. You couldn’t deal with wallowing in the insecurities that you felt like you were drowning in, and then their new partner had shown up. 

It was a friend of theirs that you had met several times and you were stunned, to say the least. You didn’t know how to process your feelings, the anger and the hurt bubbling to the surface, so you left. You grabbed your purse that had been hanging by the door and you left. 

You had no idea where you were going, only knew that you had to be away from them. You were wandering around town and you felt lost. You didn’t feel like crying, no all you really felt was anger but you were sure that would pass. The tears would come eventually. You didn’t know when, could be in a few hours or a few days. All you really knew is that they would come eventually. They always did. 

You were so tired of relationships. You were so tired of trying to find “the one” that everyone was talking about. You hated it. Dating was stressful and relationships were work and everyone you had ever had failed. Maybe you were doomed to spend the rest of your life alone. Maybe you would just need to learn to be okay with that. You had friends, lots of them, and those relationships were just as fulfilling as a romantic one. But the truth was you craved a romantic relationship. 

You craved every aspect of falling in love and being with someone, of getting to know each other and getting married. You wanted to spend the rest of your life with someone. You wanted to share every aspect of your life with a partner. You wanted to be romantically entangled with them. 

You sighed as you stopped at a street corner, shaking your head to clear it and looking around to see where you were. You had wandered into the quiet part of town, the more dingy part of town. You had only been to this part of town a few times, mostly to try some of the restaurants that were around. You had a vague sense of where you were, and it was still daylight outside plus your phone was charged. You weren’t worried about getting lost. 

You wanted to stay out of the apartment as long as possible, you knew it would be hell when you went back. Your heart clenched at the thought of returning to the empty apartment that you know had to figure out a way to pay for by yourself. You sighed once more and began walking again. 

You didn’t know how long you walked before you spotted it: a bookshop across the street right on the corner. It didn’t look too small but it also wasn’t big either. It looked old, really old in fact and the sign reading “Everlasting Books” was quite faded. You couldn’t help but think of ways to fix it and repaint it as you crossed the road and walked towards the shop. You were an artist and were always looking for your next project. If the owner would let you, maybe repainting the sign for their store could be your next project. You would definitely need the distraction. 

Without thinking about it, you entered the bookshop.

A bell rang throughout the shop as you entered. It was a crowded shop, not because of the number of people but because of the number of books. They were everywhere. There were shelves from floor to ceiling with books placed in every possible empty space and there were even stacks of books on the floor, out of the way of course so people could still walk through the store. You could see down a hallway that was lined with books as well and had pages of different books hanging from the ceiling, into the rest of the bookshop. You were immediately intrigued by this little shop. 

You looked around, searching for anyone else but saw no one. You frowned in confusion but quickly shook it off. Clearly the shop wasn’t trafficked very often so the one or two workers that you were sure worked there weren’t always at the register. Having set your mind at ease, you walked through the hallway. 

The hallway opened up to a grand room filled with shelves and shelves of books. You had always been an avid reader and books had always brought you comfort, and you were falling more and more in love with your accidental discovery. There was a doorway to a smaller room on your right. You walked towards it to discover that it was a children’s reading nook. It was a normal-sized room, but much smaller than the grand one that the hallway led to. There were children’s books and stuffed animals everywhere. There were murals painted on the walls of fairytales and animals, but they were faded. Once again you were struck with ideas on how to fix it. You smiled and turned back to the main room. 

You walked along the shelves, admiring all of the books. Your discovery of the bookshop had pushed your thoughts away from your ex and you were honestly grateful for the distraction. You ran your finger along the spines of the books as you walked the length of the room. You were surrounded by books and it honestly made you feel relaxed, you felt safe. 

Once you reached the other side of the room, you spotted another room, the door ajar. Intrigued, you walked towards the room and poked your head inside. It was another reading room but clearly meant for adults. You pushed the door open all the way and stepped inside. The wall directly in front of you was covered in more books while the wall across from it had a fireplace that you were sure would make the room warm and cozy in the wintertime. To your left, there was a window that overlooked a park with a seat as well and to your right, there was a couch and a few armchairs. You started when you saw a man sitting in one of the armchairs, looking directly at you, an open book in his lap.

“Um...sorry to disturb you, I was just...well I saw the shop and it said it was open and so I was just looking around,” you said hurriedly. His eyes were trained on you, never wavering as he put a bookmark in the book and got up to make his way over to you. As he got closer, you were struck by how handsome he was and could feel your cheeks heat up at your thoughts. 

“You have no reason to apologize,” the man said once he was standing right in front of you. He had a very soft voice that was oddly comforting to you. “I’m sorry I didn’t hear the bell ring otherwise I would have greeted when you first entered, this is my shop after all, but I guess I was too lost in my book.”

“Oh, you’re fine. I understand losing track of well, everything when you get really into a book. What are you reading?” 

“Pride and Prejudice, well rereading.” 

“Oh that’s one of my favorites, well Jane Austen, in general, is one of my favorites authors,” you laughed. A small smile spread across his cheeks as he listened to you talk and then heard you laugh. “I’m still sorry to interrupt your reading.” He waved your apology off. 

“It’s been a slow day which is the only reason I was even reading. I’m happy to have a customer.” You nodded as you glanced around the room once more, still impressed with the sheer amount of books that were in his shop.

“Well, you have a very nice shop...um...” you hesitated, wanting to say his name but not knowing it. Thankfully, he seemed to catch on.

“Oh, Leo. You can call me Leo.” He held out his hand for you to shake which you gladly took. 

“It’s nice to make your acquaintance, Leo, and you have a wonderful little bookshop. I’m (Y/N).” He smiled as you said your name. 

“A beautiful name for a beautiful girl.” You giggled softly as he brought your hand to his mouth and placed a soft kiss on the back of your hand. It felt very old fashioned but you kind of liked it. 

“You’re just saying that.” 

“I’m saying it because it’s true.” You shook your head, feeling your cheeks heat up once more. You nervously bit your lip, unsure of what to say. He seemed to notice your discomfort. “Well, I’ll let you look around. Feel free to ask me if you need any help and if you want to read while you’re here you are welcome to use this room.” 

“Thank you.” 

“Of course, (Y/N).” He smiled once more at you then walked away, leaving you alone to peruse the books. 

You walked over to the shelf in the room and started looking at all the books. You found one of your favorites and excitedly pulled it from the shelf. You carried it over to one of the armchairs and settled in, opening the book to the first chapter. 

You came back to the bookshop almost every day that week. It was a good excuse to get out of your empty apartment when you weren’t working and it was a good distraction. The tears had yet to come and you had Leo to thank for that. He always greeted you and talked to you while you were there, asking you questions about yourself and your life. He seemed genuinely interested in what you had to say but he rarely shared much about himself. On your third visit, you met Leo’s co-worker, Hakyeon. He was a very excitable man of the same age as Leo and he enjoyed teasing you when Leo wasn’t around. He also shared with you that he and Leo had been friends since their childhood.

“Has he told you his real name yet?” Hakyeon asked you one day about two weeks after you had discovered the shop.

“His what?” You turned to look at Hakyeon in confusion.

“His real name, Leo’s just a nickname.” You shook your head. 

“No, he hasn’t, but we haven’t known each other that long so it makes sense.” Hakyeon rolled his eyes teasingly and pestered you to ask Leo about his real name. You tried to ignore him, but you couldn’t help but wonder why Leo wouldn’t tell you his real name. He wouldn’t tell you much of anything about himself now that you really thought about it. 

You frowned as you settled into your preferred armchair and opened the book you had chosen for the day. Why wouldn’t Leo tell you his real name? The thought was eating at you but you tried to push it away and focus on your book. 

You didn’t know how long you were reading before the thoughts made their way back to the forefront of your mind. Did Leo not trust you? Did he not like you? Were you just some annoying customer that he would rather stop coming in all the time? Your insecurities were bubbling to the surface and the tears that had yet to be shed over your breakup were pushing at the back of your eyes. You sniffed slightly as you stared at the book, willing yourself to ignore your feelings and continue reading, but it was too late. The tears came. 

Leo finished closing up most of the shop before he remembered that you were still in the reading room. He smiled at the thought and made his way to the back to gently tell you that the shop was cloning but you were welcome to come back tomorrow. When he entered the room and saw you, he froze and his smiled faded. You were curled up in the chair, book in your hands, and tears streaming down your face. He slowly made his way over to you and you looked up at him as he did. 

You quickly tried to wipe your tears away, embarrassed about crying in a public space, especially in his bookshop. 

“(Y/N),” he almost whispered, “what’s wrong?” You didn’t want to tell him, but it all came spilling out at once. 

“Why won’t you tell me anything about yourself? Am I that annoying? I mean, I’m sure I am. I’m here all the time and I’m sorry but I just...I can’t spend time in my apartment. I-I’m all alone there and I hate it, I’m not used to being on my own. I don’t even know your name, just your nickname. Why won’t you tell me your real name?” He was taken aback by your outburst but he knelt down in front of you and gently took your hand in his. 

“Why does it matter if you know my real name or not?”

“Why don’t you trust me? Am I...am I that hideous of a person? Am I that horrible? I’m sure that’s why my ex left me...I-I know it is but I just thought...you ask about me all the time and so I just thought you maybe, actually cared but that’s crazy, right? I’m just being stupid.” 

“You’re not being stupid, I do care about you. I’m sorry to hear about your ex, they really don’t know what they’re missing. (Y/N), you are easily the most beautiful thing I’ve seen in a thousand years. Inside and out.” His over-exaggeration made you laugh slightly.

“Oh, a thousand years huh? Because you’ve been alive that long,” you teased. He forced a laugh. 

“Of course I’m exaggerating.” There was something in his voice that made you think maybe he wasn’t joking. But that was insanity, no one could live for a thousand years. Immortal beings were fiction, not real life.

“Thank you, for comforting me and putting up with me.” 

“It’s my pleasure, really.” He stood up and helped you up, gently taking the book from you. “It’s pretty late, I was just closing up.” 

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry for staying so late! I’ll leave right now.” Your cheeks were hot with embarrassment. 

“Calm down, you’re fine,” Leo said with a laugh. “How are you getting home?”

“I was going to walk, I usually walk.” 

“Would you mind if I walked you home? I want to make sure you get home safely.” 

“I’ll never say no to company,” you said, a shy smile playing at your lips. 

Leo walked you home and talked to you about some of his favorite books, and you listened happily but your mind kept wandering back to his earlier comment. He seemed nervous when you called him out for over-exaggerating, which was weird to you. He couldn’t actually be a thousand years old, could he? 

You shook your head to clear it and focused on what Leo was saying. No, it must have just been an over-exaggeration. It was craziness to think that Leo was an immortal being, and yet the thought would not leave the back of your mind.

[happyhealthyanna]

Five Words

TW: lots of weight talk (no numbers)

Over the weekend, I made a doctor’s appointment in a panic over chest pain. I had the appointment yesterday and was very open about the fact that I was pretty sure this was due to anxiety, but I needed reassurance that my heart is okay. My doctor reassured me that the chances of having heart disease at 27 are slim to none as it progresses over time, but she offered to do an EKG to give me peace of mind. It came back normal.

Let’s rewind 20 years.

Exact ages are muddled after so many years, but I believe I was 8 years old when I put on a significant amount of weight in a short amount of time. My parents took me to our family’s physician. I don’t remember if it was at this point or a couple years later, but regardless, at some point during my childhood I was told by this physician that I was at risk for heart disease and diabetes due to my weight. 

To reiterate: I was a child. 

I recall not being allowed to have the snacks that my classmates had. Chips and candy and ice cream, while already in limited quantities, were no longer permitted. Meanwhile, my brother was on the football team and had to eat a lot to keep his weight up. I remember coming home from school one day and seeing him eating Pringles. I asked if I could have some - he & my mom exchanged a look, then she responded that those were for him and I should go get a healthy snack like carrots.

It hit me at that point that there must be something bad and wrong and gross about me, that I had to have these gross healthy foods because I was bad and wrong and gross. Again, I was a child, so I didn’t have the critical thinking skills to understand that my parents were more afraid than I was about my weight. How were they to know that I would get my period two years later, meaning that the weight gain was most likely due to puberty? They were afraid that they did something wrong, so they chose the method that most physicians seem to recommend: cut calories, increase exercise.

Again, timelines may be muddled, but this is what I remember: I think I was ten or eleven first year I had to do “Speed Camp” - a summer program that my future high school offered to athletes to keep them conditioned for sports - under the guise that it would help me train for the summer sports I was already enrolled in. I was twelve when my dad started taking me to the gym before middle school to see a personal trainer. The summer before high school, I was enrolled in a Children’s Hospital program called Shapedown - I had to do a few screenings to make sure I was overweight enough to qualify. Which, to my fourteen year-old brain, meant that I was bad and wrong and gross enough. 

I lost a lot of weight via the Shapedown program and for the first time in years, I felt like I was doing things right. I entered high school thin, braces off, and with freshly dyed red hair. I got attention from boys and people liked me and my parents seemed nicer to me.

But during all of this time, from the moment I realized I was no longer allowed to eat what I wanted, I developed B.E.D. It didn’t matter how many times my parents screamed at me for eating the last of the ice cream, or finishing my Halloween candy in two days. I internalized the shame and ate more. I gained all of the weight back, plus some. 

In New York while attending acting school, I did a crash diet that the rest of my family was participating in and once again lost a lot of weight. This was encouraged and praised. Again, over the years, I gained all of the weight back with interest. 

I moved back to Colorado in 2013 to seek treatment for B.E.D. My weight has been steadily increasing ever since and I am currently at my heaviest. All of this despite a moderately active lifestyle.

Which brings me back to yesterday’s appointment. After our discussion of my normal EKG results, my doctor said goodbye and she made the comment, “Don’t worry about your weight.”

I felt the world shift beneath my feet. I thanked her and as soon as I stepped outside, I burst into tears.

At no point in this 20 year history has any medical professional told me not to worry about my weight. Sure, my dietitian and E.D therapist harped on the fact that my weight was far less important than getting my mental health in check. But that’s part of their job and the context in which I was being treated by them. Here I was, with a general practitioner doctor, whose job it is to monitor my health, and she is telling me not to worry about being the heaviest I’ve ever been. It’s difficult to imagine a reality in which this can be true, but here I am.

I’ve been thinking a lot over the past 18 hours since that appointment, and what mainly comes to mind is that it’s very likely that the way that my weight was discussed and treated early on is a huge contributing factor for most of the other issues I have had. Of course I’m going to develop anxiety when I’m told as an elementary schooler that my weight is going to give me heart disease; when I am not allowed to eat what I want; when I am encouraged to go to the gym while my classmates are watching Sailor Moon; when every single day since that fateful day in the family physician’s office, my body and what I’m eating and how much I’m exercising has been at the forefront of my mind. There has been no peace with my body since that day.

I don’t hold ill will towards that family physician - she was treating what she saw as a serious illness in the way that she was told to treat it. There were far less conversations happening at that time about how the approach they used can be more damaging than helpful. I wish I had been treated differently, but I wasn’t, so it’s not a good use of my energy to wallow. 

I’ve been treated for anxiety since 2016 and still struggle every day. It’s natural to want a blanket answer for my problems. I think this is as close as I’m going to get. 

Here’s how I am seeing it now: as a child, I became anxious about my weight and health. I dealt with the anxiety by eating, which made me develop B.E.D and increased my weight. When I sought B.E.D treatment, that coping mechanism went away, so I was left with the anxiety and thought that I was, at my core, bad and wrong and gross. The anxiety skyrocketed and my body continued to hold onto weight to protect me. The amount of anxiety that I felt caused the digestive issues I’ve had since I stoped binging, which increased the anxiety even more, causing this vicious cycle that I’m still trying to climb out of. 

But if I don’t have to worry about my weight, what does that look like? Who am I without this struggle? 

I’d like to find out.

[dancingoddess]

I once used the opening line of Sound of Silence to describe my life with anxiety during a Bell "Let's Talk" Day.

"Hello darkness my old friend", refering to me saying hello to my anxiety showing up when it does.

"I've come to talk to you again", my anxiety says back to me, giving my fears a voice in my head, usually drowning out logic or anything else.

I can't remember a time when I didn't have anxiety. As a young child, I would worry about all sorts of things. Being liked, what others thought, etc. My mother would tell me I worry too much, that if I didn't stop worrying, I would give myself an ulcer. So far, my mother has been wrong, no ulcers for me, but my almost constant state of worrying at times has manifested other health issues. Migraines. Insomnia. GERD. The inability to voice my thoughts, chief amongst other things.

I know that others might see me as aloof, because of my shyness. Maybe lazy when I try to do a day of self care. Or they see my inability to make a choice, when inside I worry which choice is the "right" one. If they could see the war inside me, the internal struggle I have with the inner demons over the small and the huge things in my life, maybe they could begin to understand. Or, maybe not.

To give a bit of background on my current bout of anxiety, the biggest cause of me being anxious is my family. People see on the outside a friendly, nice family, one that always smiles, has a listening ear, active in the community, and helps out. For me, I see people who make me feel like an outsider. If I didn't look like them, you'd swear that I wasn't related, and that I might be an enemy. At family gatherings, I feel like the black sleep, not privy to inside jokes, or I'm the person they joke about. At some point of any gathering, I'm usually in some bathroom, crying my eyes out over something said about me. I come out of the bathroom, like nothing happened, but inside, the little anxious me wonders just how long it will be before I'm either back in there, crying again, or how much longer I can be there before I can go back home.

I've tried not going to family events, using work, or illness as an excuse, but the guilt I feel after, either beating myself up at not seeing my dad, or my sister's telling me they missed seeing me, feeds the anxiety in me just as much as it would should I go.

Anytime I know that there is an upcoming family thing to go to, I go through a week of panic attacks, weird behavior and interrupted sleep patterns. Following said event, you can find me feeling drained, as it takes a lot out of me, and wanting to be alone.

The last time I saw them was Thanksgiving. On most holidays we celebrate birthdays alongside whatever holiday it is. I took my boyfriend out, because I hoped that they might be nice, try to get to know him, and maybe not pick on me so much, plus the added bonus of having him there. Instead, I was treated to another round of pick on the black sheep, followed by them not even trying to engage him much in conversation. As much as I wanted to spend time with my nieces, and see my dad a bit, at the first opportunity we had, we left, saying we would return the next day before going back home. The next day, I just couldn't force myself to visit with them, so we left for his family's dinner. I got an email stating how disappointed they were in me not coming back, but I knew if I tried, it would have left me wanting to stay home from his family gathering, and wallow in my anxiety.

Anxiety reared it's head recently after receiving an email from my younger sister, saying that they were making plans for this coming weekend, Easter. They would be coming out to visit, and hoped to celebrate with everyone, as Christmas had been a bust with me not going out there. What I got from it was that they were coming out, because I can't seem to make it out there, and that I couldn't use having only one day off as an excuse to not go and see them all. They live a few hours away, so it takes time and planning to get out there.

When I broached the topic with my boyfriend, he said in not so many words, that I should go visit at least for my dad's sake, as he is older and has a limited amount of time left for happy days. I asked him to come with me, seeing that we've been together long enough and serious enough to go to mutual family events, and he didn't seem keen on going. He said something to the sort of how he doesn't seem to feel like he's welcome there. While I get that, I don't feel welcome in my own family, it actually hurt to know he didn't want to go. Not because he doesn't like them, but because it felt like he was more than willing to let me face it alone, which makes me feel so alone. I may not always feel comfortable at his own family events, but I go, because it's for him.

My anxiety got the best of me on Monday, two days after the email. It was a day off, and I had two errands to do; visit my dad, and look into the car repairs I need. The day before I did the other running around I needed to do in order for my day to be free to do these two things. I dropped off my boyfriend at his work, and came home to get ready. I had to prepare some of the gifts I needed to take with me that day, but I couldn't find things I needed to do that. And then I just couldn't get myself to get ready. To shower, to get dressed, to do anything. The idea of seeing my dad was daunting. The idea of getting a big bill for the car was scary. The idea of going out and talking to others wasn't appealing in the least. The first panic attack hit, and there I was, crying alone.

Anytime I started thinking about going, I broke down.

I. Just. Couldn't. Get. Myself. Going.

Eventually it was time to get ready to pick my boyfriend up, so I let him know I had some panic attacks and that I was gonna pick him up.

His words to me were, "I see."

Really?

I left to pick him up. Downtown. During rush hour traffic. Driving in heavy traffic always sets me on edge. People drive too slow. Others try to cut. Pedistrian traffic. I start getting closer to his work, and notice that I'm early; it can take him a few minutes to get to the doors, and where I pick him up I can't wait there for him, so I do a square around the block to kill time. He's still not at the doors when I get there, so I have to do another round, only this time I turn the wrong way, and ended up taking longer than normal picking him up. I could feel the buzz of my phone in my pocket, and the panic of being late make tears fall down my face.

I got stuck behind a bus, more tears.

By the time I got to his work, I was in full silent panic mode. I don't like drawing attention to my tears, so I stayed silent, unsure that I would be fit to drove if I didn't. He didn't say anything as I drove all the way home. Several times, I fought tears, but a few escaped. He may have noticed, he might not have.

He hasn't said anything since.

When we got home, I saw the message he sent. I texted back, stating what happened, but no reply.

I let him have his space, unsure if he was pissed at me, or just pissed in general. As I went to bed last night, I could almost feel a rage coming from him, so I went to bed, choking back tears.

He has still not said anything, no text, no nothing.

When I mentioned this to a friend, how I'm in panic mode from having to deal with family, and now having to deal with a silent partner, they said to try to talk to him. I've sent messages via text. They go unanswered. I've said a few things here and there, no response in person.

All the while, my body and my brain are a silent war. My brain, if you can imagine has a few shouting voices, arguing to be heard. There's the voice not unlike Shia Labeouf, saying "Do it", and trying to motivate me to say something. Anything. Then there is the voice, not unlike a friend of the family that says I'll never amount to anything. That one is constantly there, nothing new. The next one is me trying to think of ways to talk to him, and imagining any possible outcome, and what I'd say to them. Think of Dr Strange in Infinity War, who saw so many possibilities of outcomes, only instead of viewing them in a blink of an eye, I see them all day, and all night.

The last one is the most quiet, but the most heard. It reminds me of my younger sisters voice, stating that it's too late, don't bother, that I'm not good enough, that he's only around to use me, like all the others. That I'll be alone forever.

That voice, is my dark friend. My anxiety. It keeps me frozen in place. It cuts my voice from speaking, because I'm afraid it's right.

I know that most people might think that I should fight, and say something, but when it comes to the fear and fight response, the fight has been mentally beaten out of me years ago, from those who have come before. Maybe my inner voice is wrong, but it's been so long ingrained in me that I can't just shut it down anymore. It's a habit I'd like to break, but I will admit it's not one I can break alone.

Work has been an absolute chore, and a Haven this week. Trying not to panic and failing, but at least I have purpose. I have to be cheerful for those I talk to, and have to be focused on each call.

As the weekend approaches, I dread going to my family thing alone, because I know he doesn't want to be there with me. I dread going to his family thing, not just because he's not talking to me, but that I don't feel entirely welcome. I dread having to put a happy outside on, while I'm feeling like I'm dying inside.

And all the meanwhile, there's a fifth and final voice starting to say that maybe I've had a good run of life, and that it's time to take my final bows.

Hello darkness, my old friend, I see you've brought another friend.

[sarazanmai]

Stuff I loved in 2018.

Its that time again. The end of a year and a look back on all the stuff I enjoyed. Honestly I almost wasn’t going to write this because I feel these posts are a lot of effort with very little reward, but there was a lot I experienced this year that I think was interesting and worth sharing. So let’s go.

Roger Ebert once said “artistry can redeem any subject matter”. While I’m not sure any subject matter can be salvaged through an artistic eye, it can certainly help. If someone approaches a certain material with a clear vision and purpose to what they do they can create something truly fascinating. The Monogatari series is a very strange one. Its told in a non chronological order, there’s characters who say they’re one thing and reveal themselves to be something else, there’s a lot of references to other anime, the visual style changes sometimes radically, its incredibly meta, some moments of fanservice have a deeper meaning to them while others not so much. Me personally I think the series goes through periods of being brilliant as well as periods where it just is not up to the same standard as before. That said I kind of like that, I like that you go through so many different moods and style shifts. Not everyone will like that, some will get frustrated with the weaker seasons, but for me I think it all comes together and really made for something I won’t forget. I watched the entire series within a week and then later in the year I rewatched it all barring “Koyomimonogatari” which is one of those weaker seasons in my opinion. Despite its bulk, despite its tendencies, the Monogatari series just kept me hooked.

There comes a time where we all must accept certain truths. One of them is a lot of you don’t really understand mecha. I still see all of these reviews and comments claiming that mecha before “Evangelion” were all just light fluffy Saturday morning cartoon fare with little substance. This could not be further from the truth. The Gundam franchise from the very beginning was serving what I am going to refer to as a human element. It was not this soulless creation who’s only goal was to sell model kits. Whether it was Amuro’s PTSD from piloting the Gundam or Kamille and his tragic romance with Four or Char’s true motives during the original series there was always more going on than just giant robots shooting things. This isn’t even taking into consideration other installments like “War in the Pocket” where its a story of war from the point of view of a child and soldier. I have not watched every Gundam anime, I am sure there are some that were just there to exist as another installment in the franchise and didn’t necessarily push the franchise or genre into new areas. But what I have seen in “Mobile Suit Gundam”, “Zeta Gundam” “War in the Pocket”, “Unicorn”, “Iron Blooded Orphans”, and even the polarizing “ZZ Gundam” which I admittedly dropped were all very interesting and very unique experiences. Tomino really hit on something when he created the series and now we’ve come so far that we have a franchise so massive and large it needs an entire wikipedia article devoted to its cultural impact.

Once again, mecha that came before “Evangelion” were still displaying that human element many critics are convinced wasn’t there. In “Macross” its very prominent to the point where it feels like a driving force to the entire show as well as its film “Do You Remember Love”. We spend as much time with the characters and their developing relationships as we do with the mecha battles. The emphasis on music and culture as something that can create a change in the world is one of the themes synonymous with the franchise. While there certainly were times in the show where it leaned a bit into a comical area, I didn’t mind this. It was a show aimed at a younger audience and was trying to communicate these themes on their level so at times things can be a bit silly, but I appreciate what is being said so much that it does not feel like an issue. The heart is still there, the human element is still there. And more complex and serious sub plots are there too. Regardless when it comes to the film “Do You Remember Love” and the OVA “Macross Plus” things were certainly approached with a more mature voice, bringing the franchise to new places. I watched this prior to any Gundam anime in an attempt to get a better feel for the mecha genre. I wanted to expand my tastes and I’m very happy I did because not only did I love this I also want to really explore the genre now more than ever.

With the release of “Lupin III Part 5″ this year I was really turned onto that franchise. I ended up getting this massive itch to explore it when that anime wrapped and while not everything I found was a masterpiece it was a worthwhile endeavor. There’s something to Lupin the character and the series at large that manages to be both fun while also evoking a sense of coolness in spite of his goofiness. It was interesting to go through the various TV series and the movies and some specials and get a sense for how its evolved through time. Rewatching “The Castle of Cagliostro” I really enjoyed it a lot and other installments like “The Fuma Conspiracy” and “The Hemingway Paper Mystery” were hugely entertaining. I really liked “Lupin III part 4″ and “The Woman Called Fujiko Mine” too and the original “Lupin III” anime. I can still hear that voice singing “Lupin...he’s a nice man...but he’s cool...”. And objectively speaking green jacket is best jacket. I feel like this is a series that has undergone so much evolution through the various people that came in to work on it that there’s bound to be something that appeals to somebody. You just have to find it.

I spent a lot of time ignoring “Gintama” and its a bit of a shame that I did because this is a really fun series. Despite how long it is I really didn’t feel like it took me a terribly long time to finish it. And even though its goal is more on the comedic side of things, the series surprised me with how strong of an emotional punch it can provide. The cast of characters is one of the most likeable and fun that I’ve seen in a while and the seiyuu cast was very impressive. Everyone plays their character well and I get the sense they really enjoy working on it. Akira Ishida in particular seemed to really get a kick out of playing someone as ridiculous as Katsura when so many of his other roles lean more serious. And of coarse everyone loves Tomokazu Sugita as Gin. His voice just feels so right for a character like this and it was great having him for something this big when in other anime I’ve seen him in he’s only around for so long. I’ve also got to give the series credit for its female characters. There’s a really sturdy amount and they’re all occupying their own place in this world with distinct identities. This is something that makes this world feel more alive and expansive. Kagura is a character I need to applaud for the fact that she wasn’t there for some sort of lolicon fanservice or to have a really awkward crush on Gin or Shinpachi. No she just cares about food and her dog. What a queen. Speaking of Shinpachi he was the MVP of this series, good boy. And there’s our Shinsengumi boys and of coarse Gin himself, so many great characters. I am sure a lot of people look at how much there is to “Gintama” and get nervous at the size of it, but there’s really no need to. When it clicks with you then there’s no putting it down.

“Showa Genroku Rakugo Shinju” might be one of the greatest anime in recent years. It takes you through so many periods in this man’s life and the people around him and manages to hold you the entire way. Once again Akira Ishida is someone I need to give major credit to. He’s a very talented seiyuu and in this anime his performance was so impressive I was almost beside myself. Given the performance style the series is built around the cast all needed to be really great at reciting these stories and articulating them. And for the scenes where the characters are not on stage, when the interpersonal drama comes out, everything just hits in such a powerful way. I can’t remember how often I cried during this anime, but it never felt like I was being manipulated. It all felt as if it came through organically and easily. Even more subtle scenes like a character finding out he’s having a child hit on just the right emotions. If you are in the mood for a fantastic character driven drama this is absolutely one I’d recommend.

Speaking of character driven drama “Sangatsu no Lion” is another one to tune into. It initially presents itself as a very intense and dark story, but as the viewer stays involved you find that this is not about wallowing in self loathing but healing. The family that has taken this very troubled young man in and helped him navigate through his mental illness is so likeable and endearing. You find yourself wanting to see him get better and hope that these girls, as well as the other shogi players, find happiness for themselves too. Its not always simple though. There are ups and downs to the characters and their arcs, but it never feels bitter or angry. It feels like reality. Over the coarse of its two seasons it manages to do what so many other shows about a character with depression fail to do. It never feels exploitative or like it has no sense of how to handle such a topic nor does it feel hopeless. As difficult as things in Rei’s life can become you know deep down this isn’t the end of the line, things can get better. It also does a very good job at holding your attention whether you understand the intricacies of shogi or not. You’re told what feels like the essential basic rules to the game and you aren’t thrown into a state of culture shock if you’ve never looked into the game before. I feel like what we have here is a modern masterpiece and more people have been watching it and celebrating it as a great achievement and that makes me so happy.

“Galaxy Express 999″, pronounced “three nine” because why not, is quite the space opera. I watched every episode of the original TV series as well as the two films directed by Rintaro and while they have some flaws or areas that did not age well, they’ve remained famous for a reason. The TV series did a really great job at pulling at your emotions and showing you different worlds. Some felt similar to others, but then there’s so much creativity in other areas. The concept of a space train was inspired by the popular Japanese children’s book “Night on the Galactic Railroad”, which would receive its own anime adaptation, and what Leiji Matsumoto did with this inspiration ended up taking on an identity all its own. You really feel for this bond between Tetsuro and Maetel. You spend so much time wondering just who Maetel is and what her goal in all of this could be. She’s kept just vague enough where I feel we were told all that we needed to. Tetsuro is someone I’ve seen reviewers describe as a little frustrating due to his naivete, but he’s a child. It makes complete sense for him to place his trust in the wrong person or make a mistake like he does. Masako Nozawa, the future voice of Goku and all his male relatives barring Raditz, voiced Tetsuro and I think she really brought a strong likeability to the character. We feel for him and also have a lot of fun seeing him travel through space. Its hard to say what version is stronger, I’d argue the show but know its not easy to recommend something that hefty. Whether someone watches the films or the show or both I think they’re still getting something great out of it.

And they say you can’t sum up a show in one image. So “Madoka Magica” what are we to do about you? Its kind of hard to explain, but I rather purposefully chose not to watch it for this long. Mostly because I was tired of the hype and the fandom basically pulling an “Evangelion” and acting like no magical girl anime or manga prior to this served emotions. But its presence never really died, this anime is almost a decade old now and people still care. And while I don’t regret not tuning in while it was running, I am very happy to have experienced it on my own terms. It gave me one of my new favorite characters with Homura, its visually stunning and marvelously directed. the music is so enchanting, and the story really is good. I think the show from start to end was a great watch and really kept me going and the bittersweet nature of it did work for me. As far as the movies go I did watch “Rebellion” and while I think its good it does complicate what the message to the series is in my opinion. Either way its just the same as “End of Evangelion” where I don’t see it as canon. I think the big question a lot of people have is if this lives up to the hype and I’m not totally sure how to answer that, but it is an anime worth your time all the same.

This will be easy. I have a review already written out for “Slam Dunk” so if you want my more expanded thoughts there you go. This really is a fantastic anime.

Last year I watched the movie “A Silent Voice”, but failed to put it in my year end review out of pure laziness. I am not making that same mistake again. “In This Corner of the World” is a film I am very grateful to have seen. Its a very interesting take on a WWII story. Not that we haven’t had movies about the war from the perspective of a civilian before, but there is something to the way its approached through our protagonist that feels especially powerful. She experiences so much during those years and tries her best to keep living with keeping her family alive as her main motivation and eventually is met with tragedy. Its produced by a studio called Mappa who’ve gained a lot of attention for “Yuri on Ice” and this year’s “Banana Fish. I did not like those anime very much, but I really loved this film and have to applaud them for trying different types of stories. I hope the projects they have lined up for 2019 are as enjoyable as this. I’ve heard the director has an interest in releasing an extended cut and if that happens I’ll be very interesting in seeing what it offers.

Again I will not make the same mistake twice. “A Silent Voice” was directed by a woman named Naoko Yamada. She also directed “K-On” and “Tamako Market”, two series that made it on my post for last year. She has an incredible talent and in my opinion is the director in anime to watch. After the success of “A Silent Voice” a lot of people wanted to see where she would go and what she gave us is nothing short of amazing. “Liz and the Blue Bird” is a film more people need to pay attention to. Those who’ve seen it adore it, fans have given it very high scores and glowing reviews. But I think this movie needs even more attention beyond that because compared to movies like “Doukyuusei” this feels like it made a smaller splash in the community. Yamada’s approach to love and drama is so effective without being forceful, you really feel for these girls and the longing between them. Yamada is a director who cares deeply for respecting the emotions of her characters which is why she has successfully created so many famous emotional scenes without them feeling melodramatic or feeling staged. This is especially clear with this film where she manages to communicate everything we need to know, but in very few spoken words. And the animation as one expects from a Kyoani project is just lovely. It also manages to work very strongly with its blue toned color palette. So many people make these blue toned movies look dreary, but not here. Things still have a brightness to them and even a warmth. I feel very lucky I was able to see this movie this year when so many anime films take so long to be made available elsewhere. When it reaches the US on bluray I am definitely buying it.

When it comes to the seasonal TV anime for the year, this was my favorite.”Sora yori mo Tooi Basho“ or “A Place Further than the Universe” is a very interesting installment in the “cute girls do blank” genre of anime. Here its cute girls go to the arctic. It sounds like a weird premise to a show, but when you see it put into practice its impressive how much you feel invested in these girls and what they’re doing. Its directed by a woman named Atsuko Ishizuka who was once identified as one of the great talents at the famed studio Madhouse. I think, like Yamada, she manages to work within these character heavy stories while avoiding any unnecessary melodrama. A lesser director would have made some scenes so cheesy or so over the top sad and that can take you right out of the experience. At first I was unsure of how big of a hit this anime would be given how many huge shows came out this year, but its managed to top the bluray sales in Japan for quite a while now. I feel really happy it became such a success. People say the cute girl sub genre is played out and that if you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all, that is not true. Sometimes you need a talented director, an off the cuff premise, and you can get something fresh out of a genre that sometimes over saturates the market.

“Pop Team Epic” is an anime the like of which we’ve never seen before. And we will never get it again. A lot of people have said that in order to understand or get the jokes you have to know what it is they’re parodying and that really is not true. This isn’t referential humor like in “Gintama” where the impact of the joke relies on you knowing that material. If you don’t know "Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure” you won’t get it when Gin references Joseph and Caesar’s training with Lisa Lisa. Here the approach to the comedy is so surreal that if you don’t know the reference it just registers as a bizarre thing they did. Sure I know they referenced things like “Hikaru no Go”, but someone who doesn’t would just think its “Pop Team Epic” being weird again. And if you do know what they’re referencing then you know the layers to the joke. The anime is also in a lot of ways very visually strong to the point of being almost avant-garde. It was expensive and time consuming to make even if people don’t realize it. All of these different animation styles, the mixed media approach to certain scenes. They even brought in Miyo Sato, the woman who does the paint on glass animation for “Mob Psycho 100″, to work on the show for a few segments. To a lot of people this show was a meme, but in a lot of ways I think it was doing more than that. We’re not going to get another season or anything out of it, but I’m happy something this strange was able to exist and grab hold of such a large scale audience.

I have an in depth analytical review out for "Berserk”, if you would like to read such a thing there it is. However it does contain spoilers. My unspoiled and condensed opinions are that its fantastic, with gorgeous art, well developed and amazing characters, and tons of soul. Its very intense and not exactly for everyone, but its definitely a masterpiece. Unfortunately it also has a very foul fandom which turned me off reading it for years. I genuinely expected my review to garner a lot of negative feedback given how this fandom is, to my surprise this never happened though. If you can remove the toxic fandom from the equation, which is surprisingly easy to do, then you’re golden. Also this is a romantic manga and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise because they’re cowards.

“Golden Kamuy” is fantastic as a manga. I watched the anime too, but I feel like that works best treated like a companion piece to the manga. I’ve best described the plot as “One Piece” meets “Silence of the Lambs”. This is also something that probably comes closest to evoking the same kind of strangeness that “Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure” has. The best way I can put it is that characters will say things that are weird, but nobody acts like they’re weird. There is also a lot of information fed to the reader about aspects of the Ainu culture and hunting and weaponry. At first it feels as if you’re being given a lot of information on topics that aren’t going to be important, but they end up having more significance than you realize. The same applies to the characters. I was surprised at how many characters I expected to be left behind were made relevant later on. And they’re memorable. Sugimoto, Asirpa, Shiraishi, Ogata, Tsurumi, Tanigaki, even that little girl Osoma was memorable. One thing the story really excels at is how you have a large amount of characters chasing the same prize, but with their own reasons. Nobody loses sight of their own motivation, some we still haven’t learned their true gain in all of this, and we see how this effects the flow of the plot. For such a large cast this would under a different writer feel very cluttered, but not here. And visually the manga looks amazing. Noda’s art is a little odd at first, but when you really look at it he’s got a lot of talent. Everyone looks distinct, the backgrounds look great, the animals look good (we’re not gonna discuss the anime’s CGI). If I had to recommend just one I’d say the manga as the anime does skip material, some due to networks being incapable of showing such things others honestly feel skipped because they wanted to streamline the plot at the expense of characterization and world building. I do still recommend taking in both as this sort of bundle deal though because the anime really is entertaining and has such a strong seiyuu cast it would be a shame to pass it by completely.

Takehiko Inoue is an absolute master at this stage in his career. In an interview with Akira Toriyama he was called someone with a real sense for manga and its amazing to see how he went from “Slam Dunk,” where he had not yet drawn a bare foot, to something like “Vagabond”. The art in this manga is deserving of all the praise it gets, its so detailed that it just leaves you stunned. The story also shows just how on point he is as a writer. I’m sure through the many movies and shows about Musashi Miyamoto a lot of Japanese audiences have a certain way they tend to view him and then here comes Inoue offering a different approach to the man. One where he is still working towards an enlightened state and trying to reign in an animalistic rage. Working in themes of being the strongest under the sun, what it means to live for the sword, how these choices effect the people left behind, its really fascinating stuff. There’s even an entire long stretch of chapters where we break away entirely from Musashi to focus on a young Kojiro and his adoptive father, its a very sudden break away yet it doesn’t feel random or jarring. I think because Inoue knows how to craft compelling characters so effortlessly it made that shift in focus work as well as it did. Its one of the most successful manga in terms of sales and with good reason, its a masterpiece. This is one of those manga that currently is on an indefinite hiatus and I can only hope Inoue is able to finish it. And if for whatever reason he can’t then at least we can say we got what we got.

Behold your new shonen king! Not Izuku, not Hinata. Open your arms for the next great shonen! “Dr. Stone” is a manga that at the moment doesn’t have the largest of audiences, but everyone I know who’s read it absolutely loves it. And with the anime being released next year I can only hope that will be the push that people need to experience it. The story is focused very heavily on innovation and discovery which feels so fresh compared to a lot of things Weekly Shonen Jump has been producing as of late. And the level to which things have been thought out really impresses me. In recent chapters it was revealed that in that period of time humanity was petrified the terrain has changed drastically and the maps from the past are now worthless. So that means finding a way to survey the land and get a better sense of the world. Its so exciting to read this sort of thing. And the characters are so fun. Senku is a very interesting character to place at the center of this story. He’s a genius and approaches things as logically as possible, sometimes he can be a jerk and self serving, but he’s always going to do what he can to further civilization because he just loves science that much. Chrome is a really funny character to bounce off of him. We recently were introduced to a new member of the cast that has great potential. I like Asagiri. Its written by the same mangaka behind “Eyeshield 21″ and while I have not read that I can say through this manga that he’s really got a great sense of story telling. I also really like Boichi’s art, he pulls out some hilarious extreme faces and also some really dynamic scenes. Next summer can’t come fast enough because I am so hyped and ready for this anime to start.

“Kimetsu no Yaiba” is another manga that will be getting an anime next year and I am extremely excited. If I had to compare it to anything I would honestly say its like if “Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood” and “Hunter x Hunter” got crossbred. Its mangaka Koyoharu Gotouge really feels very influenced by Yoshihiro Togashi in both her writing as well as some of her character designs. Togashi actually said this manga along with “Dr. Stone” is one of the ones in recent years to read which I’m sure made her thrilled to hear. I feel like this is something that does a lot of the things people generally want to see in anime and manga. You have a strong sibling dynamic at the center of the story (and it isn’t one of those relationships), there’s female characters that are involved with the action and its treated like a real fight, there’s themes of family that are always really endearing, aesthetically its very beautiful while still being able to pull off a more intense body horror style moment, fanservice aside from a couple moments is at a minimum, and it is also very funny. There’s a lot of personality to our main characters as well as the Pillars that we have gotten to know and it doesn’t feel crowded. She knows when to use a character and when to keep them out of a certain arc. She also has a lot of respect towards Nezuko who I feel another writer would have shoved aside in favor of her brother. But Nezuko is shown to still retain her autonomy in spite of her predicament, she fights and is sometimes vital to defeating a demon, and the more recent events in the story show a lot of potential for furthering her as a character. The anime is to be released for the spring and its made by Ufotable, based on the PV we have at the moment this show will definitely be gorgeous. I am very excited for what they’ve done with this material and I can only hope other people will be watching too because I do not want this to be a series people sleep on.

“Revolutionary Girl Utena” is a masterpiece. I have frankly a really complicated opinion of Kunihiko Ikuhara. A lot of people think he can do no wrong, I am not one of them. There’s things that happened with “Sailor Moon” that I know weren’t his fault, but there’s also things that happened during S where he had the most control over the project that still bother me. I can never know for sure if these were his ideas or things Toei forced onto him as he did leave the show because of a lack of freedom to do what he wanted, but that said when he really commits to a project he can produce something amazing. He has said many things over the years regarding Utena and a big takeaway from them is that he does not want to tell us what to feel, he wants us to decide for ourselves. I think what Utena fundamentally is about is deconstructing romantic tropes, analyzing chivalry, and the lies men tell women. The series gets more complex and symbolic as it progresses until we get to the movie “Adolescence of Utena” where its refusing to hold your hand any step of the way. Unlike with “End of Evangelion” or “Madoka Rebellion” the “Adolescence” movie is not an attempt at a different ending, but more of an alternative retelling of the story. Its a pure visual masterpiece and a movie that I honestly think deserves to be seen with or without the TV show. That said I would strongly recommend both of them as not only is it one of the greatest shojo ever, it is also Ikuhara at his finest. Moo.

[jae-bummer]

Something Real

Request: Hi hello! For your prompts can I ask for exo Sehun #17 fluff please? D.o is my bias but Sehun is currently bias wrecking me but in a good way I guess.

17) Your bias hires you to be their significant other

Member: EXO’s Sehun x Y/N x (ft. Kyungsoo/Chanyeol) 

Type: Fluff

“Money is no object.”

“I heard you the first twelve times, Sehun,” you muttered, not even bothering to glance over your paperwork to make proper eye contact with him. 

“Then I’m not understanding the issue,” he huffed, plopping down in the guest chair in front of your desk. 

“The issue is we -”

“Work for the same company, blah, blah, blah,” he grumbled, crossing his arms. You could feel his glare through the thin sheet of paper you were strategically holding over your face. “I have a point to prove.” 

“What point exactly?” you sighed. 

“So Chanyeol bet me a year’s supply of bubble tea-”

“Nope, nuhuh,” you hissed, finally setting down the documents you were looking at to give Sehun a disapproving look. “I refuse to hear anymore of this. I will not eliminate my plausible deniability.” 

“I’m not even sure what that means,” he said slowly, furrowing his brows. “But Chanyeol bet me that I couldn’t get you to go on a date with me-”

“And he was right,” you nodded. “Listen to your friend.” 

“He’s not my friend, he’s a giant preying mantis who has become a permanent pain in my ass,” he muttered. “I’ve learned to love him though. It was that or move to China, but that’s a topic for another day.” 

“If he bet you,” you sighed, “Wouldn’t paying me to go on a date with you negate the whole point of winning a bet? You’re still losing money.” 

“But winning the bet,” he nodded. “I will pay any price to prove someone wrong.” 

“You’re ridiculous,” you muttered. 

“And you’re playing hard to get,” he grinned. “Would you just agree to enter a fake relationship with me so we can call this a day?” 

“Whoa, whoa,” you groaned. “Literally two minutes ago we were talking about going on a date. Now we’re talking fake relationships? Don’t you think this is a little...much?” 

“Should I rewind to the part where I said, ‘I will pay any price to prove someone wrong?’ because I thought I made myself clear,” Sehun laughed. His expression was one of confidence and you knew he could bicker with you for hours. 

“So what’s in it for me?” you sighed. 

“I don’t know, a couple hundred dollars a week and the privilege of being able to say your dating Oh Sehun?”

“I’m going to go ahead and pretend like I didn’t hear the second half of that sentence,” you muttered. Reaching up, you ran a nervous hand through your hair. It was true that you worked in the supporting office for SM, completing various and random tasks for idol groups, but you could always use a little more money. 

Glancing up, you bit your lip, and searched Sehun’s face. You were hoping to find any answer in the contours of his jaw and smooth plains of his cheeks. He lifted his brows as he noticed you survey him, a smirk beginning to tug at the corner of his plush lips. Admittedly, Sehun wouldn’t be your first pick for a member in EXO to build a fictional relationship with. It wasn’t that you weren’t attracted to him (cause like...have you SEEN him?) But he wasn’t exactly the person you shared the most common interests with. 

“What do you say?” he whispered, leaning forward. “I can’t be all that bad, can I?” 

“Considering you’re paying me to be your significant other in order to prove someone wrong,” you hummed. “I don’t see how this could possibly reflect on you as a person.” 

“Good,” he grinned. “So you’re in?” 

“Sehun,” you sighed. “Why me?” 

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed,” Sehun said, a smile continuing to dominate his lips. “But you kind of run this place. You keep everything from falling apart. Overall, you’re a very put together person. Plus you’re crazy hot. For some reason, Chanyeol doesn’t think I can attract someone good looking AND smart.” 

“Well, you aren’t notorious for parading through dates with common sense-”

“I do not parade anyone through,” he nodded. “I simply give them tours of my work place.”

“I’ve seen three girls this month, Sehun,” you grimaced. “And now that I think about it, a couple of gu-”

“And now you’ll see none,” he interrupted. “Well, besides yourself. But I guess you can’t really see yourself...except for like...in a mirror or the little camera on the front side of your iPhone.” 

“If I agree to this, will you please stop talking,” you groaned. 

“I don’t know if that’s a thing I can promise,” he grinned. “But I’m happy to have your cooperation.” 

You took another spoonful of ice cream into your mouth and glanced down to Vivi, quietly enjoying his dog treat you had just slipped him. 

Admittedly, it hadn’t been a bad couple of weeks. 

Not like you had necessarily expected for it to be completely miserable, but you had your reservations. 

Upon unofficially agreeing to date Sehun for the sake of his pride, you had a long discussion about rules and responsibilities in the situation. You would take no less than 450,000 won a week to be at Sehun’s complete disposal. You were to go on dates, show up to support at performances and recordings, and most importantly, appear at the dorms. Although Sehun insisted he had no interest in pursuing anyone else, you made him swear that you would be the only relationship he would be concerned with for the time being, fake or not. You would not be made a fool of. 

Not even if this whole thing was fabricated. 

Which it was. You would constantly have to remind yourself of that. As soon as this whole charade had began, you had to insist to yourself that every memory you were creating with Sehun was make believe. Every shared glance, every cuddle, every hand squeeze was a work of fiction. 

“I’m surprised,” Sehun sighed, finally looking up from his boba. 

“What about?” you asked, absently dropping your arm and running your hand over Viv’s head. 

“That you’ve lasted this long,” Sehun smiled. 

“Believe it or not, you aren’t nearly as terrible of a boyfriend as I thought you would be,” you chuckled. 

Sehun leaned forward, placing his hand lightly over yours. “I wasn’t talking about you putting up with me.” 

“Oh!” you gasped, shaking your head. “So you’re surprised that you’ve managed to grace me with your presence for the past month?” 

“I’m joking,” he laughed. “I promise.” 

“Such a punk,” you grumbled. You continued to pet his dog’s side and began to shake your head. “I don’t know how we put up with him, ViVi.” 

“An immense amount of disposable cash is my guess,” Sehun chuckled.

“That helps,” you teased. Sehun’s face instantly grew dark at your statement. Looking down, he swished his bubble tea, becoming much too interested in the small tapioca flavored pearls in the bottom.

You cleared your throat, attempting to add some sort of noise to the awkward silence. “So, what’s the plan for today?” 

“I think I’m going to go back to the dorm,” Sehun sighed. “Kyungsoo was talking about maybe working on some music with Chanyeol and I...I’m trying to get more involved.”

“Ah, shall ViVi and I tag along then?” you asked, tilting your head to the side. You attempted a smile, but immediately let it slide from your face as you saw Sehun’s expression. 

“Will I have to pay you overtime for that?” he hummed. He shook his head at the end of his sentence, adding a sad smile in an attempt at keeping it light hearted. You knew his words cut much deeper than he had intended, but you weren’t sure how to address his feelings. 

“Sehun,” you whispered. “Is there something you want to talk about?” 

“No, of course not,” he grimaced. 

“You know...this whole crazy thing was your idea. I just-”

“I said I don’t need to talk about anything, Y/N,” he nodded, keeping his words short. 

“Oh...oh-okay,” you stuttered, attempting to shake off his curt words. “I uh...okay.” 

“Come on, ViVi,” Sehun sighed, beginning to stand. He unwound the dog’s leash from your chair and gave it a gentle tug. “Time to go home.” 

“Want me to come over later?” you asked, hopefully. 

“I’ll be busy,” he nodded, biting his lip. “Don’t want to use up those hours I’m paying for on nothing, you know.” 

“What the hell, Sehun?” you whined. You stood as well, allowing for your annoyance to bubble to the surface. “You know, I never asked for this.” 

“Yeah,” he muttered, nodding his head. “Thanks for reminding me.” 

You flopped over on your couch for what had to have been the dozenth time in a short hour. Chewing furiously on your lip, you locked and unlocked your phone again, waiting for any text to appear on your screen. 

You would be lying if you said you weren’t most anticipating Sehun’s name to appear. 

For as much as you liked to pretend that he was an inconvenience, he had seriously become a necessary part of your everyday life. 

And as much as you didn’t want to admit it...you may have...possibly...maybe considered the fact...

that you were head over heels for the turd. 

You flopped over again and sighed, burying your face deep within the aged cushions. You were. You were completely smitten by the man you had never intended to have any feelings for. When you begun your side job of dating Sehun, you told  yourself you would treat it as that, simply a job. It would serve a purpose in your life that would not in anyway become romantic. After all, how could it? It was Oh Sehun. 

Oh Sehun, the man you had never had a single thing in common with. 

Oh Sehun, the man you had never gone a day without arguing with. 

Oh Sehun, the man who was literally paying you in order to win a bet.

Oh Sehun, who loved his members, his dog, and bubble tea so passionately, that you couldn’t go on without hoping that he loved you with that much passion as well. 

“And I’m going to do something about it,” you whispered to no one in particular. Pushing yourself up, you were quickly made aware of exactly how disheveled your wallowing on the couch had made you. You groaned as you attempted to shake the wrinkles from your clothes, but after a few moments decided to cut your losses and run to your closet to change. 

After talking yourself out of, and into, the trip over to the SM building several times, you had finally made a solid decision. You had to go, if only for your sanity. 

The SM building was a short walk from your own apartment, a facility in which most employees rented out of. The short walking commute was convenient when running late in the morning, or when attempting to meet your fake boyfriend in the evening to profess your very real feelings for him. 

You pushed open the doors leading to the entertainment company’s lobby and nodded briefly at the receptionist stationed at her normal post. She nodded to you as well, knowing you worked somewhere in the building, but not caring enough to know exactly where. You slid your key card against an electronic lock near one of the employee elevators and boarded with little issue. Stabbing at the buttons with anxious fingers, you hit several floors you had no business going to and sighed. You needed to calm down. 

But it wasn’t everyday you professed your affections to someone who probably had no idea you were even harboring them to begin with. 

He thought you were all about the monetary gain...which you were in the beginning. But with time and lowered inhibitions, you had become interested in so much more. 

You heaved a sigh as the elevator finally opened on the correct floor, leading to Kyungsoo’s most utilized studio space. You could already hear the light sound of piano keys being stroked as you continued down the hall. 

“You can do this,” you whispered. “You have to.” 

You couldn’t continue with Sehun’s subconsciously hurt feelings and pouty comments. You couldn’t wrap yourself in his arms without feeling anything anymore. Even seeing ViVi had become an emotional reminder that you had kissed a pair of lips that didn’t think there was a meaning behind their motions. 

You knocked lightly on the studio door as soon as you had found it. The music went silent with your ask for entrance, causing you to swipe your key card once again. You cracked the door open and stuck your head in, holding your breath as you surveyed the room. 

“Y/N!” Chanyeol called cheerfully. “I was expecting you! Whenever Sehun said he was coming by, you’re normally not too far behind.” 

“I hope I’m not interrupting,” you hummed, your face growing hot with the attention you were receiving. You stretched your body, attempting to get a full look into the room, but still didn’t see Sehun. 

“Hi, Y/N,” Kyungsoo sighed, resting his hands in his lap. “You’re interrupting, but it’s fine. Your presence is always appreciated.” 

“Yeah, it may get Sehun back on track!” Chanyeol grinned. “His mind has been everywhere since he got here.” 

“You didn’t have to come,” Sehun’s voice grumbled from behind the partially opened door. You heaved a sigh of relief upon hearing his voice, stepping into the small space to be able to see him properly. 

“I wanted to,” you smiled. “Plus, we need to talk.” 

Chanyeol and Kyungsoo exchanged wary glances as they both began to stand. Sehun rolled his eyes before waving them to sit down again. “Go ahead.” 

“Don’t you two want to have a lover’s quarrel in private?” Kyungsoo muttered, clicking absently at his computer screen. 

“You two are working and whatever needs to be said shouldn’t stop that,” Sehun muttered, cutting his eyes at you. “Now what’s so important that it couldn’t wait?” 

You took a deep breath before nodding and taking a short step toward Sehun. “I think it’s time...we clarified some things...about us.” 

“More terms and conditions?” he muttered, crossing his arms. It was apparent that he was still pouty from your exchange that afternoon. 

“Sehun, that’s exactly it,” you whispered. He furrowed his brows as he looked up at your face, shocked that you would want to discuss the intricacies of your agreement. “I don’t want any terms and conditions anymore.” 

“What do you mean?” he asked quietly. 

“I mean, I don’t want the money,” you nodded. “I just want you.” 

“Not to insert myself into your conversation,” Chanyeol said slowly. “But what do you mean by ‘I don’t want the money’? Is he like...helping you pay a traffic ticket or something?” 

“I’ve been paying her, Chanyeol,” Sehun groaned. “I’ve been paying her to date me.” 

“I KNEW IT!” Chanyeol gasped, jumping to his feet. “I knew she wasn’t going to date you voluntarily! I was buying you bubble tea for a month and-” 

“I want to date him though,” you interrupted. “That’s....that’s why I’m here. It’s not a job for me anymore...I...I ended up growing feelings along the way.” 

Chanyeol slowly eased back down into the chair he was sitting in, his mouth having fallen open. Sehun lifted his brows as he uncrossed his arms. “You...you did?” 

“I did,” you nodded. “And look...I understand if you don’t feel the same...and this whole thing was just orchestrated to prove Chanyeol wrong. And I understand if you want me to leave...but I had to tell you. I couldn’t keep going on wondering if you had felt the same.” 

“Well...this makes things complicated,” Chanyeol muttered to no one in particular. “Does this still count? I mean technically she wants to date him...but should that be a backfill for the bet? Should-”

Kyungsoo sent a silencing death glare toward Chanyeol who instantly closed his mouth, watching the scene before him with interest. 

“You actually...have feelings for me?” Sehun asked slowly. He pulled himself up from his chair and took a few hesitant steps toward you. 

“Shocker, I know,” you chuckled, taking a few steps forward as well. 

“And you’re willing to do this...without me having to pay you anything?” he asked. 

“Believe it or not, your companionship is enough,” you smiled. 

“Pfft,” Chanyeol snorted. “Can you pay me to hang out with you then?” 

Sehun ignored his member as he lifted his hand, letting it linger awkwardly in the air for a moment, before placing his palm on your cheek. “You actually...want me...for me?” 

“You’re kind of a mess,” you whispered, nuzzling your face into his open hand. “But I’m into it.” 

“Apparently,” he smiled, leaning down to place a light kiss on your lips. You and Sehun had shared a few kisses before, but none quite like this. Previously, there was an unspoken barrier placed between your lips. There was an understanding of the picture you had to portray to those watching. You had a facade to uphold. This kiss, this moment, was inevitably different. There was nothing separating you from each other. There was nothing keeping you apart from how you were both feeling. This was something real. 

“Soooo,” Chanyeol hummed. “I’m guessing you like her too?” 

Everyone in the room turned toward the man, evident exasperation on their faces. 

“Well, he didn’t come out and say it!” Chanyeol gasped. “I’m following context clues here!” 

“Yes, Chanyeol,” Sehun sighed. “I like her too. And I think I’ll kiss her again just to make sure.” 

[amplesalty]

Independence Day: Resurgence (2016)

We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on!

In honour of the fact that yesterday was July the 4th, it felt appropriate to finally check out the sequel to the 1996 classic Independence Day. Not that I should really be honouring it considering my side lost in that particular exchange. Plus, as K-Pop stans on Twitter taught us: #allcountriesmatter

I remember thinking it was a bit strange that it took 20 years to get a sequel. I mean, the original was one of the highest grossing movies of the 1990’s (and still within the top 100 of all time) and featured the iconic image of the White House being blown to smithereens. There was a massive marketing push at the time with that scene featuring heavily and the nickname ‘ID4’ seemed to be everywhere. And whilst not exactly in line with the contents of those movies, its scenes of mass destruction helped continue the ongoing disaster movie trends and helped it kick on into the late 90’s and early 00’s with the likes of Twister, Dante’s Peak, Armageddon, Deep Impact and The Day After Tomorrow.

Of course the most notable part of that first movie is President Whitmore’s stirring speech that is rivalled perhaps only by the words of Colonel William F. Guile in Street Fighter as the most inspirational speeches in cinematic history. Even Gilbert Gottfried felt compelled to give his own reading to this glorious battle-cry.

The sequel leans quite heavily into this speech, with Whitmore’s words echoing out across the galaxy and being picked up by what seem to be brethren of the original attack force from 96, giving rise to the new invaders.

But Earth isn’t going to be a pushover this time around, we’ve been able to meld the alien technology from that first wave with our own, developing plasma weapons and even establishing a moon base with a giant frickin’ laser beam. It’s cool to see that technological leap and how humanity was able to learn from that event in a materialistic way. Plus, it provides a nice contrast later on in the film when the aliens wipe out all satellite communication and people are forced to go back to the old ways of radar and radio waves. There’s something amusing about people literally dusting off an old piece of equipment they found in a cupboard and it helps save the day.

If revisiting the speech wasn’t fan service enough, the movie really starts to wallow in it as it starts trotting out all the old faces, even if that’s only a painting in Will Smith’s case. Apparently he wanted too much money to sign on so his character was killed offscreen in a test flight back in the year 2007. Still, it’s high praise to have his picture hanging on the walls of the White House alongside Washington, Jefferson etc. We still get an ace pilot named Hiller though in the form of his son, whose old friend Patricia Whitmore, the former president’s daughter, is working in the White House. Her fiancé is out in space and has a bit of a rivalry with Hiller. I spent the whole movie thinking the actress who plays Patricia looked really familiar and it turns out she’s the girl from It Follows. These characters are a bit underdeveloped and it feels like they just drafted them up last minute as a replacement when they realised they couldn’t get Smith to come back, only apparently they knew for years that he wasn’t going to be involved so chalk it up to incompetency I guess.

As happily coincidental as it seems to have them just happen to have grown up and filled these crucial roles, it does save us from further movie padding from having to break off the story to go find out what happened to them. Like, there’s a good portion of the movie dedicated to Julius Levinson (Jeff Goldblum’s dad in the original) miraciously surviving the initial wave of this 2016 attack before meeting up with a bunch of kids that just spring up out of nowhere and their grand adventure to get to the safety of Area 51. Only, they still end up in danger when they get there and we have this whole scene of David trying to save them whilst also trying to co-ordinate the big fightback at the end of the movie. It just feels like these kids were inserted as a means of providing some sort of connection with the adults in the audience, as if they can’t sympathise with the fate of the entire planet so they have to give them a bunch of primary school kids to worry about instead.

Even Dr. Okun is back, seemingly from the dead! And he seems to have been Dumbledore’d because apparently he was gay this entire time? I don’t remember that from the first movie. I can only imagine the proverbial angry fist waving going on at the time of the release when the internet found out about this; ‘They’re ruining my childhood with this SJW bullshit!’. Being in a coma for 20 years doesn’t seem to be the hinderance you might think it would be because he’s up and about within minutes, running around marvelling at how the world has progressed and barking orders at people. Kinda lose a bit of your dignity in that when you’re still in your hospital gown with your arse hanging out mind you.

He does have a bit of a lasting effect from his close encounter from the first movie, remnants of the psychic connection to the aliens that is also lingering in President Whitmore and a new character, Dikembe Umbutu who is a African warlord who has been leading a groundfight with his troops against an outlier set of aliens who were able to land and survive the 96 invasion. There seems to be a bit of a wider ID4 canon through various novel releases so I wonder if any of those cover this African war, that might be interesting. I thought this whole psychic connection story might be going somewhere, like maybe the aliens might be able to control those individuals when they do invade and they might use it to sabotage some of Earth’s defences but no. Even President Whitmore starts out portrayed like he’s gone a bit crazy and that he’s barely able to function at times but he heals up pretty quick.

Either that or maybe the US General is in cahoots with the aliens somehow? I mean, he does end up being sworn in as acting President when the current President is killed along with her line of succession so he has benefited from it personally. I probably wouldn’t have had any thoughts like that though if it wasn’t for the fact that it’s William Fichtner playing him and he’s just a perennial bad guy.

That Umbutu guy is pretty badass though, runs around with a pair of big knives that he goes into close quarter combat with, cutting the aliens out of their suits and then chopping their heads off. Which ties in to an aspect of the movie that I liked, there’s much more hands on combat between the humans and the aliens in this movie. The first one obviously had a big focus on aerial combat, which is largely present here as well, but there’s a lot of ground combat as well which freshen things up a bit. There’s a section where the air troops are sent to attack the mothership and end up inside it, only for it’s defense mechanisms to ground them. It has this jungle/marshland vibe to it, like they have this whole habitable land with crops and stuff within the ship, and it leads to this section where a couple of the pilots are hiding beneath the water, sneaking around to avoid detection.

On the other hand though, I didn’t feel anywhere near the impeding level of threat of the first movie. The story is that the aliens are drilling into the Earth in order to harvest it’s molten core in order to fuel their systems before moving on to the next world, kinda like Galactus I think? Whilst this would lead to the destruction of the entire planet, it just felt more threatening when they had their ships stationed over all the major cities of the world. Plus, it feels like they’re more content on their drilling operation than actually engaging in any fights with humanity which leads to a lot of scenes where people are just standing around not really doing anything. It seems at odds with the introduction to the movie as well where the initial attackers distress beacon is sent out, that would imply they’re calling for reinforcements but now it just seems like they were just going to come and steal our shit anyway? Or maybe they just consider us vastly inferior that it’s not even worth the effort. Pretty dismissive considering we wrecked you last time out.

That’s not to discount some of the special effects on show, the movie is bookended by big action scenes that are a particular highlight. The invading mothership is said to be so big that it has it’s own gravitation field leads to a really cool visual of our heroes trying to navigate their ship through a skyline littered with buildings, cargo ships and jumbo jets.

The finale with the alien Queen attacking Area 51 is really cool as well. You’ve got this massive alien rampaging through the desert, controlling all the alien fighters around her like a swarm. I think all the sheer size and all the tentacles lend it a bit of a Cthulu vibe.

Absolutely massive amount of sequel baiting at the very end though which doesn’t look like it will ever be fulfilled. It did take us 20 years to get this one but they seem to have had ideas to make a trilogy of sequels in fairly quick succession but the critical and financial failures of this one means it’s looking kinda dead in the water at this point. It still grossed some $390m against a production budget of $165m but you’ve probably gotta factor in a fairly sizable marketing budget that will really eat into that margin.

It’s a bit of a shame,  I would have been interested in the series continuing as I personally found this enjoyable in spite of some the issues I have with it’s run time, bloated cast list and inadequate replacements for the charm and energy that Will Smith brought to the original. Trim off some of the fat and it would have made things a lot smoother. Did we really need to know what Mrs Hiller was up to 20 years on? I think just about the only character we didn’t revisit from that movie was their dog. I guess Boomer will not live.

[jiveammunition]

Title: Glow Rating: Teen Pairing: Reaper76 Content Warnings: Fluff, Mutual Pining, Love Confessions, Kissing, Hand Holding Summary:

Gabriel could feel his breathing go a little shallower some days when the smog in LA was particularly bad, but the humidity of Bloomington — “We're not really in Bloomington, Gabe, it's just easier to say I'm from Bloomington for simplicity’s sake…” — made Gabriel feel like was outright suffocating on some of the worser days. And let’s not get started on the days when it rained...

Jack and Gabriel spend part of their summer vacation on the Morrison farm.

A sequel and companion fic to Melt. For the @reaper76summerevent.

It's hot in Indiana.

The summers in Los Angeles were hot, temperatures spiking to over 100°F on the worst of days — “Almost 38°C, Reinhardt.” “Unbelievable!” — but temperature-wise, it's surprisingly similar to Bloomington in terms of averages.

But the humidity, my god, the humidity… Gabriel could feel his breathing go a little shallower some days when the smog in LA was particularly bad, but the humidity of Bloomington — “We're not really in Bloomington, Gabe, it's just easier to say I'm from Bloomington for simplicity’s sake…” — made Gabriel feel like was outright suffocating on some of the worser days. And let’s not get started on the days when it rained...

“It's not so bad,” Jack laughed, patting Gabriel's head as if in an attempt to comfort him. Gabriel could only groan and turn over where he lay on the spacious deck of the Morrison family home, swatting Jack's hand away, as the sweat on Gabriel's scalp only made the touch all the more irritating.

“Speak for yourself,” Gabriel grumbled, tugging at the sweat-soaked collar of his shirt to fan himself.

“You can go back inside if you want,” Jack offered, “I know this isn’t the kind of heat you’re normally used to. Plus, I could probably finish digging the hole by myself.”

“Like hell I'm gonna bum around and be a freeloading guest, Jack. Your mom wanted this tree planted, and I promised I'd help her do it,” Gabriel grumbled back, letting go of his shirt and splaying his arm out once more. Sweat beaded on his face. It wasn't so much that the work made him tired, but the weather made him feel ridiculously sluggish.

“Well, you can't exactly do that laying sprawled out like a starfish on the porch, can you?” Jack teased, pulling off his cap and wiping his forehead with the back of his arm before putting it back on. Gabriel cracked open an eye to look at him and immediately regretted it.

Even in sweat-soaked farmer boy clothes, covered in dirt and grime  — “They're just overalls, Gabe, they're normal. And comfy!” — Gabriel couldn't  believe how much of a golden boy Jack looked. His blond hair was even more a mess than usual — thanks to the unflattering baseball cap — and dirt was smeared in patches on his cheeks, blending in with the almost ridiculous amount of freckles that showed up almost overnight on his sunburned complexion. The desire to pull Jack in and kiss those barely chapped lips until they were as red as those cheeks flared in Gabriel's chest for the briefest of moments before Gabriel waved it and Jack away.

“Yeah, yeah, give me a minute,” Gabriel groaned as he rolled over again and dragged himself up to his feet. He took a few steps towards the stairs before stopping in his tracks. Jack shot him an odd look, and Gabriel shook that off too. “On second thought, lemme take a piss first. I'll be back.”

Jack laughed and waved Gabriel off before picking up his shovel, and going back to the hole the two of them had been digging. Gabriel felt a little guilty, given how close they were to being finished, but his bladder really did need to be emptied, and he had every intention of helping Jack again once he was finished.

He pulled off his boots once he got inside, remembering how insistent Dana Morrison was about keeping her hardwood floors clean of dirt — not that Gabriel could blame her, the Reyes household had a similar policy in regards to shoes worn inside — and making sure to keep his shoes on the rubber mat by the door. It had only been a few days since he and Jack had arrived, and Gabriel had only ever been in the house once before, back in winter of last year, but everything was so familiar that it almost nostalgic to be in the Morrison House again.

It was a pretty big house, but even so, Gabriel knew the layout like the back of his hand, and wasted no time making his way to the nearest bathroom. His feet and bladder guided him like an autopilot, and without needing to actively focus on anything, Gabriel's mind began to wander. He couldn't help but reflect on his visit so far as he walked through the house, photos of Jack and his family lining nearly each and every wall, and thoughts he thought he had pushed aside during the flight into and drive from Indianapolis, slowly began to percolate back into the forefront of his mind.

When Jack had brought him here last winter, he claimed that he was bringing home Gabriel as a boyfriend to meet the rest of the Morrison family. It was news to Gabriel, of course, as Jack had sprung that little detail on him literally moments before Gabriel even walked through the front door for the first time, and Gabriel could only go along with it, doing what any best friend would do to help a buddy get his family off his back for being single still. And of course, let's not mention the fact that Jack had kissed Gabriel — rather intensely, mind you — just moments before dropping that boyfriend bomb on him.

And yet, despite all this, nothing between the both of them had changed after they boarded their flight home and passed out in the same bed the moment they got back to base. Jack went about his life as usual, as did Gabriel, acting as if the two weeks spent acting like a real couple with their hands in each other's back pockets nearly 24/7 for two weeks hadn't ever happened. As if they were still in the Best Friends territory. As if neither of them actually had any desire to escalate their relationship to a romantic one.

But Gabriel did. And he knew Jack did too.

The only issue was that neither of them wanted to admit that to each other.

Gabriel frowned, and cursed Jack for his cowardice.

But not before cursing his own, of course.

There had been so many chances for him to bring up the subject — this small vacation-slash-family-visit alone had enough that Gabriel couldn't even count them all — and each and every time, Gabriel had let them slip from his hands. Rather than making his idle, occasional daydreams —  of holding Jack in a long embrace, pulling Jack into a heartfelt kiss, or hell, just telling Jack how he really felt —  into a reality, Gabriel just let them stay what they were, thoughts and daydreams.

He flushed the toilet and washed his hands, still deep in thought as he splashed water on his face to wash away some of the gross feeling caking his skin. His eyes caught his own reflection as he wiped the water from his forehead. A scowl made its way onto his face as he got a good look at himself.

“Gabriel Reyes, what the hell are you doing…” he mumbled to himself, “Just fucking tell him already.”

He ran a hand down his face and sighed to himself, letting the water drip back into the sink. “What if it's not what he wants?”

He frowned at his own reflection. “What if it is? You won't find out unless you tell him.”

Gabriel bent down to splash at his face a few more times, only righting himself after he took a deep breath to calm himself.

“...I’m gonna tell him,” he said to himself, resolution all but burning in his eyes as he finished wiping the water from his face and left the bathroom.

He put his shoes on and felt his determination all but plummet when he walked outside and saw Jack sitting down on the front steps, hunched over so Gabriel could see the smattering of freckles that dotted the top of his spine and trailed lower into his shirt. An overwhelming feeling of wanting to press his mouth against that overheated skin left his heart fluttering a bit, pushing his previously bolstered confidence out the mental window.

“... Maybe later,” he thought to himself, picking up his shovel and going back to work, doing everything he could to distract himself from idle thoughts.

‘Later’ didn't come that day, nor the next, nor the day after that.

No, Gabriel spent the next four days constantly delaying himself for the most ridiculous and meaningless reasons, preferring to wallow in anxiety and self doubt until the perfect opportunity presented itself to him the night before their small vacation was scheduled to be over, like a spotlight aimed a silver platter with neon lights decorating the pedestal and spelling out the words TELL HIM in obnoxious, glowing magenta and teal letters.

The sun was setting on their second to last night in Indiana, and from the porch swing at the back of the house, Jack and Gabriel watched the sun slowly sink behind the horizon. Gabriel took a swig of his beer, blinking and making a noise of surprise when a flash of light on his knuckle caught his eye. He quickly swallowed the sip of booze, wiping his mouth with his free hand as he watched the flash of light return, blinking in and out slowly as it floated lazily around him.

Just as he reached out to try and grab it as gently as possible, his eyes caught a glimpse of another glow. Then another. And another.

“Whoa,” he breathed in awe, doing little more than watching the blinking, glowing balls of light flit about the porch and the back yard beyond it.

A quiet laugh rumbled from the other side of the swing, and Gabriel was about to turn and tell the laugh’s owner off when he saw how genuine the smile was on his face.

“You've honestly never seen a firefly?” Jack asked, holding up a hand as if cupping one of the fluttering, glowing bugs .

“Not in person, no,” Gabriel answered shrugging his shoulders at the same time. He reached out his hand in a similar manner, smiling to himself when a firefly landed in his palm briefly. “We don't have them in L.A., and most of the places I've been stationed in are the same way.”

“Oh?” Jack remarked curiously. Gabriel could feel Jack's eyes on him, and fought the urge to squirm beneath his gaze. Instead, he risked a glance at Jack himself, raising an eyebrow as Jack got off the swing and tucked his cell-phone into his pocket.

“Going somewhere?”

“Yeah,” Jack answered, smiling as a small gleam sparkled in his eyes not unlike the glow of the fireflies around them. “Come with me. I wanna show you something.”

Jack walked off before Gabriel even had a chance to answer, and what else could Gabriel do?

He peeked into the house from outside the bay window, motioning to one of Jack's brothers — was it Chris, Sam, or Braedon? Telling the triplets apart was always a puzzle he could never solve — that he and Jack were heading out, and quickly jogged off to follow Jack after the brother gave him a thumbs up from his seat on the sofa in acknowledgement.

Jack waited for Gabriel long enough for him to catch up, and they soon fell into stride with each other with Jack leading the way. They walked for quite a while in their usual, comfortable silence, walking dirt paths and through the woods nearby, until Jack finally stopped in his tracks near what Gabriel could see was a small creek.

“Watching fireflies from the porch is nice and comfy and all, but nothing beats this spot,” Jack said, taking a seat on one a rather sizeable flat rock. “Lot less light pollution and more importantly, no one around to ruin it.”

Gabriel's heart skipped a little at that, and he did his best not to read too much into it, lest his thoughts backfire on him. Instead, he let out a small noise of acknowledgement and replied, “Your brothers aren't that bad, Jack.”

Jack let out a small laugh, shaking his head, and patted the space beside him in lieu of a response. Gabriel could only go along with it, carefully sitting himself right beside Jack, with their shoulders barely inches away from each other, he situated himself. Gabriel tried not to focus too much on it, on the intimate proximity between the two of them, but the way Jack kept leaning into him, glancing at him as if sizing him up every now and them, made that nearly impossible to do.

Gabriel distracted himself as best he could, averting his own gaze to the sky to take in the last traces of the red, golden glow before it dipped behind the horizon. The slow appearance of the starry night sky did nothing to slow down the thoughts racing through his mind at a mile a minute, and Gabriel found himself focusing more and more on Jack's presence beside him rather than the spectacular view around him.

It was gorgeous — the kind of landscape you'd find only in movies and paintings — what with almost every star in the night sky visible above their heads and the gentle glow of countless fireflies blinking around them. And yet…

And yet…

Gabriel couldn't help the way his gaze gravitated towards Jack every so often, taking in the happy and relaxed contentment on his face, and finding himself wanting to see that on the pillow beside him every morning when he woke up. A warmth flared in his chest, and at that moment, Gabriel could tell his heart had made the decision of when he should speak for him.

He didn't even realize he was staring until Jack let out a laugh and nudged his shoulder with his own.

“Something on my face, buddy?”

Gabriel shook his head and took a deep breath, mustering as much courage as he could.

“Jack, can I talk to you about something?” he asked.

“Of course. What is it? Something wrong?” Jack sat up a little straighter, clearly on edge and concerned for what Gabriel might have to say.

“No, nothing's wrong,” he replied, shaking his head. He took a moment to gather his thoughts, trying not to let the worried expression on Jack's face fluster him into haphazardly expressing his feelings. “I just… Remember when we came here for Christmas last year?”

Jack nodded.

“And how you told me the truth about the ‘bringing my boyfriend to meet my family’ thing after I'd already suffered through two hours of dinner and dessert with your parents and your brothers?”

Jack hesitated for a moment before he nodded again. “Yeah…”

“And how you kissed me so many times in front of them before that? Once even before we got inside the house earlier that night?”

Jack visibly winced at that, his expression clouding over slightly. “Yeah,” he replied, the guilt in that one word so strong Gabriel could feel his own gut twist in sympathy.

“Well, I've been thinking since then —  a lot since then — about last Christmas… about us,” Gabriel said, pausing briefly and glancing over to make sure Jack was still looking at him. He wanted to make absolutely sure Jack was seeing him and listening to his words, so that he'd know just how serious Gabriel was when he said his next words. “...about how much I actually wished that were real. That it wasn't just pretend. That this...” He reached over to take Jack by the hand, running his thumb over the scarred knuckles, and waiting for Jack to pull away. When he didn't, Gabriel pulled the hand to his lips, and kissed it on the on the knuckle, before turning it over to press another kiss into the open palm. He interlaced his fingers with Jack's own right after, gripping it firmly before he finished. “That this relationship between us was something more than just friends… That you knew how much you mean to me and how much I… how much I love you, Jack.”

A heavy sigh escaped from Gabriel's lips, relief at his own confession washing over him like some sort of cleansing. Everything was up to Jack now; the ball was in his court. It didn't matter how Jack was going to answer; Gabriel did what he had been agonizing over for so long. He told Jack how he felt, and that was all that mattered. If Jack didn't return his feelings, then…

Actually, scratch that.

Jack's response did matter, immensely so, and Gabriel loosened his grip on Jack's hand in fear of Jack feeling just how much he was shaking in anticipation of an answer.

A deafening silence fell over the two of them, sounds of the running water from the creek ringing in Gabriel's ears like white noise. Minutes felt like an eternity, and Gabriel found himself almost wishing for Jack's outright rejection of him with each passing second, if only so the agonizing torture would come to some sort of merciful end.

His ears perked up when he heard Jack take a deep breath beside him.

Unconsciously, Gabriel did the same, bracing himself for what might come.

“...Do you seriously mean that?” Jack asked, the hesitation and wariness heard in his voice so thick Gabriel could almost feel himself choking on it.

His heart throbbed in his chest, and he nodded in reply. “Yeah, I do. I love you, Jack Morrison,” Gabriel breathed. He dared to make eye contact with Jack, gaze falling to the side when a firefly hovering between them seemed to glow in warning. He swallowed the lump in his throat, trying to control the racing of his heart at the realization that Jack looked as scared as he felt in that brief moment their eyes met.

Another eternity of silence fell between them, and Gabriel could feel his heart both stopping and racing at the same time, palms sweating like a nervous schoolboy.

He nearly yelped when he felt Jack's hand tense around his, holding it so tightly that Gabriel could swear he heard some of his knuckles popping.

“Ow, Jack! What the-” he began to shout, voice cutting out completely when he was forcibly tugged by the arm.

He fell silent when he felt warm lips press against his, body frozen and unwilling to move lest his actions be misinterpreted and the moment between them shattered. The warmth was familiar in all the best ways, and Gabriel felt his pulse skyrocketing and his heart soaring.

But still…

But still…

He didn’t dare get his hopes up until he got a solid answer.

After a few moments, Jack began to pull away, and though Gabriel wanted to keep the moment going, wanted to keep kissing Jack and even hold him tight, Gabriel did the same. He sat back on the rock where he was before, making note of the fact that Jack still hadn’t let go of his hand even after the both of them righted themselves.

Gabriel looked at Jack expectantly, breath held in his throat in anticipation.

Jack smiled warmly, and simply replied, “I love you too, Gabriel Reyes.”

In that moment, Gabriel felt all the tension rush from his body in one giant wave, and he let out a huge sigh, body visibly deflating in that same moment.

“Oh, thank fucking god,” he said, clutching his chest with his free hand. He couldn’t help the rush of emotion overwhelming him, and nearly hysterical from relief, he began laughing.

Jack let him be for a few moments, unusually patient as he merely sat and watched as Gabriel laughed all his anxieties away, hand resolutely holding Gabriel’s own all the while.

When the laughter finally dwindled down, and Gabriel felt himself drifting back to solid ground emotionally, it was his turn to pull Jack towards him, open hand holding Jack by the cheek as he leaned in to return Jack’s favor. Their lips pressed together once more, eager and earnest as they met over and over again for heartfelt kiss after kiss.

Had it not been for the fact that Jack confirmed he felt the same way, Gabriel would have been as embarrassing as it was for Gabriel to admit, in that moment — despite all the war, despite the omnics, despite the SEP, and despite everything else that was going wrong across the globe — he felt as if everything was right in the world for once, and happiness glowed as warmly in his chest as the glow of the fireflies fluttering around the two of them and as brightly as the stars in the night sky above.

[everythingmustgo]

heyO i was wonderin if i could do a tarrot reading and an analysis? if not its fine! but my signs are cancer sun, libra moon, leo rising, mercury cancer, venus virgo, mars leo, jupiter cancer, n saturn gemini! thank u in advance!

hello hello ofc u can !!! my tarot readings r £2 per card used so if u wanna have a look at my tarot page nd pick the spread u want then go for it!!! ill do ya analysis just now !okay so cancer suns r honestly my FAVS like my gf is a cancer nd shes so sweet nd caring, cancer suns want to protect u, theyre very maternal in their loving? very nurturing, they show their love thru looking after u and making sure ur okay. sooooooo emotional, all u water signs r crybabies tbh, ur emotions rly do dictate ur life and ur not in control of them so much as they r in control of u. the kind of ppl that cry from every emotion cuz they feel so deeply. the thing abt cancers tho is even tho theyre loving and caring, theyre always looking out for no. 1. big on self preservation, if they had the option to save u or them, theyd save their damn self no question. if a cancer if upset, anyone elses feelings go out the window. if u nd a cancer r upset, u can bet ur ass the cancer’s feelings come first. this is bc of how strong their feelings r for sure, they just dont have room in them for negative feelings that arent. theres ukno. they need so much emotional support, as caring as they r they struggle a lot with insecurity and need constant reassurance. often the only constant thing in their life is their own emotional turmoil, and they have a tendency to wallow in it and expect others to make it better. this is honestly one of the only bad qualities in cancers imo like I love water signs nd they rly r the most sweet nd caring ppl, they just have Issues nd r fiercely protective of themselves. cancer/libra is a good combo imo!!! libra moons r very diplomatic, have an innate sense of justice and a deep need for peace and harmony. bc this is ur moon sign this would suggest that this is ur strongest desire, this is rly what drives all of ur actions. ur a peacekeeper, u settle arguments nd everyone immediately seems to like u bc of the knack u have to see all sides of an argument. bc of this ur not strongly opinionated, u have principles but ur always open to persuasion and generally look for a balance between two options. big on equality, ur middle ground attitude to arguments can sometimes b mistaken for weakness of opinion but ur driven more by the need for fairness which is v strong in u. bc this is ur moon sign this is the part of u that cannot b suppressed: ppl will always see ur moon sign, nd while u have a certain amount of choice over how much of ur sun sign self u express (ur core personality, often one u grow into nd recognise within urself as u get older), ur moon sign cannot b hidden. ppl will always recognise ur balanced and fair nature, nd honestly for a libra moon this is a great thing bc ppl generally Love libras bc of this !!! they r fair nd will never immediately write off anyones opinions as invalid, somehow finding a way to agree with everyone. plus as an air sign u have great communication skills nd ppl will feel v comfortable talking to u. they have a veeeeeery strong need to b liked tho, which often drives their agreement w everyone. they need a thriving social life and to be in a relationship, most libras feel v lost w/o a partner. theyre romantics at heart, ruled by venus, but also feel they need a strong person in their life to make their decisions for them. this is the libra downfall, they r. wishy washy ppl. sometimes u NEED strong opinions? like even if u desire fairness, nd r immediately uncomfortable when fairness in a situation becomes almost impossible to achieve, there r times when u need to have a strong opinions? the idea of holding an opinion that some people will object to is stressful for a libra. this means ur one of the most indecisive, vague and easily influenced signs and u need to think for urself more!!! libras r all too dependant on others and see the route to peace and inner balance as pleasing everyone, which isnt always the case. u need to take urself and ur own feelings into consideration, be independent. as this is ur moon sign, ur approach to emotions is heavily ruled by ur libra. u keep things to urself as u dont like to distress others w ur emotions or hav them think differently of u bc of it, u see the solution to ur problems as to deal w them urself and problem solve ur way out of it, and while this is a skill of urs and u will most likely come up w good solutions, its not healthy to take it all on urself. I do love libras tbh but. they can b fake as hell w their niceness. u need to let urself open up more nd realise theres more to life than being liked, nd peace can b achieved w/o pleasing everyone, and w doing things for urself. ok ok I rly went to town on ya moon there so ill try nd keep ya rising short, so ur a leo rising which is v different from ur sun nd moon !!! all of ur signs r different elements which suggests ur v well rounded nd have a lot of different aspects to ur personality!!! ur leo rising means that the way u express urself and how others perceive u is far more dramatic than ur sun and moon, honestly u like to b seen as Extra. v focused on ur appearance, sociable and outgoing, loooooves to b the centre of attention. this im thinking is the strongest of ur signs nd fits very well w ur libra and cancer, who hav more vulnerability when it comes to others. leos have a lot of charm and likeability from the confidence they exude, which can likely be a protection for your libra fears of being disliked, and your highly emotional cancer sun. leos are also incredibly loyal and generous, a leo friend will absolutely spoil u and think nothing of spending lots of money on u (theyre v materialistic so often buying things for u is how they express affection). however they do often keep others in their shadow bc they like the attention so much, so its possible that until others get to know u very well, they will feel intimidated by u. u like to express urself dramatically and perhaps as opinionated in an attempt to hide ur libra indecisiveness and dependence on others to make ur decisions, which ur cancer sun will make u feel v insecure abt !!! theres a lot of interlinking insecurity between the signs with u lmao they work well together but theres certainly a lot going on. when ppl meet u, theyll hear abt ur social status and ur charm, but then discover ur sense of fairness and need for peace and equality, as well as ur emotional, nurturing side as they get closer to u.im gonna do a v brief explanation of ur planets if thats okay but if u want more info u can 100% ask for it its okay!!!so bc ur mercury is the same as ur sun sign its likely ur thought process, mental abilities and communication skills r v close to ur core personality and the way u think is an important part of who u r. bc its in cancer its gonna b emotional: ur mentality r hiiiighly emotion driven, and its hard for u not to let ur feelings get in the way of ur thought process and capacity for ideas and planning. ur 100% an overthinker, nd even tho u care for others deeply, ur plans will always result in u reaping the most benefits. ur venus virgo means ur a lover of beauty and a big romantic imo, but also a perfectionist. ur attracted to people u can fix up, which is a big downfall of virgos. they like to fix things, esp ppl, ESP in venus wow. u may notice a pattern of friends nd partners who rely on u to Fix Them, u may notice u r drawn to ppl w Issues bc u want to help them get better. ur a big worrier when it comes to relationships. leo mars wow this is the realm of action and u GO for it. everything u do u do 110% nd u wanna make a big show of it. u wanna b seen as an achiever, someone whos doing great things in life nd lookin hot while doing it. u want appreciation and attention for doing it. p much all of ur actions r to b noticed nd appreciated for what u do, its a big motive. ur in it for u. jupiter jupiter realm o wisdom nd knowledge, cancer again so id reckon important to u. mercury nd jupiter often go hand in hand so its fitting they r the same. again, emotional, again, caring, again, selfish. u have a deep understanding of ur own and others feelings, ur v intuitive nd use ur feelings to help u understand the world around u. ur feelings influence how u learn, if u dont love smth ur not gon learn it. cancer is ruled by the moon, id say ur v wise and trustworthy. saturn is jupiters restrictive counterpart, all abt boundaries nd structure. as its in gemini I reckon ur a fast learner nd once u learn ur lesson u will never forget. u like to scheme and plan, ur intelligent nd sociable but the way u plan ur life may distress u. u may often b highly conflicted over how u structure ur life, part of u loving the control of routine and part of u loving the freedom of no structure whatsoever.hope this made sense !!! u got any more questions let me kno, hmu when uve decided what spread u want for ur reading 💕

[pravasiga]

June 19, 2017 - Wabi-Sabi: (Im)perfection.

Wabi-Sabi: (n.) "the quality of being attractive because of being imperfect in some way...wabi-sabi suggests that we see the flaw as being part of what is charming. Can apply to pots, furniture, houses - and whole lives." Origin: Japanese.

Trigger Warning: Body Image and Expectations

I wasn't sure how to start this post to be frank with you. I spent a few hours aimlessly looking around for a word to inspire me to make sense of a whole collection of experiences that I've felt since I've been here. Perhaps the most personal post I've made in a long time, I realized that in the last few years, I've lost my confidence in writing because as I grew up, so did my insecurities, so did my stress levels, and so did my ability to self-doubt. Part of my journey towards writing again is the willingness to be honest, to go deeper, to go pick at the scars that haven't healed properly.

As evidence by the slew of Instagram photos that I've been spamming you all with, being in India meant a change in what I'm used to wearing. For those of you that go to school with me, you know that I stick to a steady stream of sweaters and sweatpants because quite frankly if I have to suffer at college, I might as well be comfortable and warm while I do it. When I go shopping, I go straight to the larger and plus sizes. I thought I had learned to stop being disappointed at finding few items that fit and learned to seek out alternatives. But in India, where I have had to buy new clothes and adjust to a brand new style, I've had my fair share of struggles with body image, grappling with an age-old insecurity that has only worsened with the years and only has been exacerbated by hurtful comments, overactive paranoia, and the desperate need to prove to myself that I can do and be better. One of the biggest things that this trip has forced me to confront was a personal journey that I had long been avoiding - the burden I have borne my entire life regarding Asian-American, feminine, and personal expectations on body image and size.

But I don't owe anyone the debt of feeling sorry for who I am, and wearing my first sari, an ensemble that asks me to bare a part of my body that I have spent most of my life hiding, gave me a burst of confidence that there is so much that I should not and will not be ashamed of. I thank you, ahead of time, for reading this post, and hope that you recognize that this post is an expression of freeing myself from some of the worst thoughts I've had, in pursuit of self-acceptance and integrating the imperfect into the (I'm)perfect.

*If you would like to talk, if this post triggers you, I am here for you. As much as I can be with this spacey wifi. :)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------- When yet another size XXL kurta (long shirt) barely made it down over my chest, I was prepared to shed a few tears. The straight, narrow cut of the cloth was not made to fit me and in the dim-lit dressing room, I could only stare at my reflection and feel the same old thoughts come back. If only you had actually used your gym membership this year instead of being lazy. If only you could have foregone that McDonald's meal at the airport. If only you could have just, for once in your life, been smaller. Coupled with a time constraint and limited inventory, I was absolutely exasperated with myself. I had to somehow, find enough salwar kameez combinations to make it through the rest of the summer and so far, all I could be absolutely sure of was that my dupatta (scarf) was not going to be a problem. Though I later was to learn that most Indian women would tailor their clothes or alter it in ways to fit, the pain of quite literally, not fitting into, the new culture and society that I was going to engage with, was enormously difficult to bear. Even at 20 years old, having been overweight all my life, I was not immune to the dread of yanking off a clothing item that didn't fit, praying that no seams would rip.

A Chinese-American woman, I learned at a young age that I didn't fit the mold. I grew up seeing skinny women on runways, in my magazines, and TV-shows. I was fortunate to grow up in a family where my grandfather used to touch the skin on my arm and smile proudly, telling me that my yellow skin ('jing huang pi fu', he would say), golden and luminous, was beautiful. My grandparents were always the most insistent that their grandchildren never forgot to appreciate and love their roots, to continue a proud story that had crossed the Pacific Ocean, weathered world wars, and landed in a strange new country. Save for a brief infatuation with Cinderella where I stubbornly stated that I wanted blonde hair and blue eyes because "that was what princesses looked like", I grew up in love with my long, straight black hair, especially when I could brush it until it gleamed. I used to stare in the mirror at my dark brown eyes, trying to discern the exact rich chocolate brown-black shade of my irises. I decided early on that no matter what color they were, they held light and enthusiasm for life. Enveloped in love, emboldened in a household of two tongues - English and the warm embrace of my ancestors' Mandarin - I was raised in love with my Chinese heritage. But with this, I inherited expectations that would prove to be most constant source of my self-esteem issues - I have never been petite, slender, or thin.

I take a second to dodge questions about my health to simply state that regardless of that condition, it has never warranted the kind of overwhelming pressure to have collarbones that could hold rolls of quarters (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/…/Country-goes-wild-new-social-m…) or a waist that could hide behind a sheet of paper (http://www.nbc26.com/…/asian-women-are-pressured-to-be-peti…). I have never felt quite at home within the Chinese-American community because I have never been able to shake the shame of not fitting what I saw as the ideal Chinese-American woman. It is assumed that our bodies are meant to be a certain way and that it is woven into my DNA to be a porcelain doll, slim and well-proportioned.

I come from a family where love is shared in food, love is communicated in asking about health, and love is given by pinching cheeks and unfortunately, openly asking about my body weight. When my family comments on my waist before my college experience or when I get asked questions, I get asked about my SAT, my GPA, my weight, the amount of times I've gone to the gym far before I get asked about my mental well-being and happiness. I grew up understanding that this was how love was shown sometimes, even when it would twist in too-round stomach and curb my appetite. I have grown up always feeling like my answer was never good enough. I have grown up understanding that this was something I had to desperately change, not simply out of concern for my health, but because - what would other people think? "We just don't want other people to make fun of you," relatives would assure me, "You're a beautiful girl, but you should lose weight."

And so it goes.

I scrambled to find kurtas that fit and while I was able to find some, I couldn't lift the feeling of defeat that followed me out of the door of Big Bazaar, onto the van, and back into my hostel room. I had been so excited to go shopping for those loose garments, wrongly guessing that such loose fabrics and clothes would be easier to fit into. Even though many of my team members expressed similar frustration of finding clothes that fit, I tuned it all out, I tried to hold myself above wallowing but I couldn't help but sink in. That night, I ate less than half of what I had been given for dinner. I felt like I could have burst out of my skin every single time food passed my lips.

When we got the chance to buy saris, I tried to put a lid on the excitement. A sari is a long piece of fabric (anywhere from 5 to 9 yards), often beautifully decorated, meant to be wrapped around the body to form a skirt and to drape over the shoulder. (Side note: it is so hard to tie this damn thing, I tried and ended up hopping around the room trying to keep everything in place). We had been invited to the wedding of the son of a local technology company, known for its dedication to employing those with mental disabilities and pushing for similar practices in other companies. But I was focused not appearing lumpy, misshapen, and enormous in my sari. I was most afraid of what my rolls of stomach fat would look like, hanging out of the skirt, or worse, not fitting in at all.

The sari store was stuffed to the brim with gorgeous fabrics and I remember my breath being taken away as I ran my fingers along the ornamentally decorated trims of red, blue, purple, golden - every color of the rainbow - saris. I had long decided to go with a red sari, taking a lesson from my prom dress shopping fiasco that red, in fact was my "power color". I tried sari after sari, and as the women who worked at the store hastily tied and rolled me repeatedly into increasingly beautiful fabrics, I couldn't help but focus on everyone around me, finding their perfect sari. Between indecision and an inability to be satisfied by anything I had seen so far, I began to feel that same sense of dread that I had experienced the week before in the dressing room. I began to feel like a little girl trying to play dress-up, attempting to mimic an imaginary standard that was always meant to be above my grasp. Time was running out and I was among the last people to choose - and of the few I had tried on, I just felt completely out of place in all of them. I begged the women to let me try one more on - a red sari with tear-drop gold embroidery, and a golden-green trim. I reviewed the photos a friend helped take of me, and still couldn't bring myself to love it. But in all honesty, I don't know what I had more difficulty loving - the sari, or myself.

I bought the sari anyways. I didn't have time to find another one and this was the best I had found from the bunch. I kept my negative thoughts deep in my belly, swallowed to prevent them from reaching the surface. I told myself that I would just have to learn to wear it, learn to love it for all the other aspects. The fabric was beautiful - there was no doubt in that. I would have to do my best to fit myself in its folds and present as little trouble to the tailor in the next few weeks.

The week flew. We got fit for the tiny blouses (which were MUCH shorter than I expected) and patiently waited for our first chance to wear our beautiful new garments. In my room, I clumsily tried to imitate what I had learned from the women at store and "tied" my first sari. I have a long way to go. Getting those folds perfectly evenly and crisp much be a superhuman talent, honestly. I have incredible respect for anyone who can do it perfectly.

But of course, this is a blog post with a happy ending. The first time I was properly tied into my sari, with the little red blouse, my hair swept back, and my favorite red lipstick on, I was floored. I had tried pulling my petticoat up as high as I could, to hide as much of the skin that peeked out, a fact that the women helping us tie our saris noticed. They originally had pinned part of the draped fabric to my blouse, to form a curtain over the expanse of waist that I had hidden for so much of my life. Staring in the mirror, turning and feeling the fabric swirl around my feet, I unpinned that little curtain and tucked it back into my skirt. And I gave myself time to appreciate the form in front of me, a force in red, gold, yellow, and black. In that moment, I thought little of the expectations that I had carried on my back all my life. I didn't feel hidden under the beautiful fabric nor did I feel that the sari was wearing me. The body that I had spent so many years of my life berating, squeezing, hiding, was perfectly displayed.

It was a breath of fresh air, it was freedom from a restriction I had long placed on myself. And you damn well know I had to take a million photos to celebrate.

But more importantly, it is a reminder. It is a reminder that for all the comments of my family, I come from a long line of strong, sturdy women. Women whose hands and arms bore equal weight as the men in my lineage, women who were mothers and doctors and businesswomen and accountants and caretakers and brilliant and brave. Never had I once questioned whether they were fantastic role models. Never once have I questioned their beauty, their grace, their strength. So size zero be damned, I know that I may never fit into anything at half of the store I stop by, but what there is of me, I will love, I will cherish, and I will protect. And so should you, you fantastic, incredible, wonderful human being.

Dhanyavada galu (thank you) Ninna gelati (your friend), Winnie

PS: The wedding was also amazing and great and wow so many people I can't believe they just literally let 30 random Americans in at the last second. Congratulations to the bride and groom!

PPS: I learned the hard way how hard it is to pee in a sari and let me just tell you it involves a lot of folding, clutching, and praying.

PPPS: Photo credits to my least-favorite person and kind-of favorite photographer, Anant Sriram because bless that camera and his patience for dealing with my idiocy and basicness.

PPPPS: I love all of you, just the way you are.