#pls thus was the first thing i saw when i opened tumblr

[emissaire]

la la la la just goin for a stroll on this nice night-

OH! oh my, FAE??! fancy seeing you heerreeee, how are yaa?? 🧍🏽‍♀️

hey, lovely!! i'm doing great, a little stressed with school works ; ((( but i'm sure i can pull this off just fine. how about chuuu? *hands u a basket full of my love* here, take this, take it all muah 😚💖

[semantic-vegas]

The Eclipse ep. 11 -- *must* I have so many feelings?

Ok. I have never done anything on this godforsaken site beyond reblogging, but my thoughts have been going back and forth since Friday and maybe writing it down will make me stop thinking about it??

It feels like people are removing nuance from the issue of the variety of responses to Thua’s actions in ep. 11. Can we understand Thua’s motivations and feel that he was entirely justified? Yes! Can we understand Thua’s motivations and still feel upset? Also yes! Is it necessary to tell people that they’re watching it wrong or thinking about it wrong if they either *are* or *aren’t* upset? I certainly don’t think so. It’s not really something you can be right about in the first place. 

I think that’s what’s bothering me the most (maybe I’m being way too dramatic about tumblr discourse, but it feels like it’s reflecting the very issue that the show is trying to address: You don’t get to decide what’s right for everyone), but I also just want to explore my *own* feelings about this week’s episode.

Absolute mess below the cut. 

I disagree with a lot of the takes about this episode, which ..essentially means nothing. This is a   t e l e v i s i o n   (web, whatever) show. Everyone is allowed to have their own interpretations and feelings, and no one’s are more or less valid. None of the characters are perfect. They aren’t supposed to be. That’s what makes the show so good. A lot of people have eloquently expressed the “true evil” of this show being the system etc. etc., so I won’t go into it.

I say all that to say that I’m trying to unpack why I feel so strongly about this episode and the “twist”. This is what this post is. Not judgment or character assassination. Just trying to figure out why I reacted differently to this than other parts of the series where somewhat similar ~unsavory~ things were done by our beloveds.

SO. Thua. 

I just saw a few posts that people being upset about Thua outing Akk and Aye is hypocritical/unwarranted, since Aye blackmailed Akk with the cheek kiss picture and told Thua’s own mom more about him and his struggles than Thua consented to. (Note that I don’t have the energy to go back and watch that scene, so ... I’m just talking out of my ass about it, maybe?)

Again, valid interpretation that I’m not discrediting... it’s just that I don’t personally think they’re anywhere near the same thing. I think intention and audience are important things to consider here (though in the end I’m NOT saying simply having good intentions make outing and/or blackmail correct PLS).

When Aye spoke to Thua’s mother, it came from a place of seeing him struggling and wanting to find a way to help. Was it overstepping a boundary and crossing a line? Yeah, sure. Did Thua have every right to be upset about it even if having it out in the open brought some relief? Of course. I didn’t see much discourse about it at the time, but I think we can all agree that even if it wasn’t the best move, Aye was genuinely trying to help. And the conversation took place in a safe space -- a cafe full of queer people and allies.

The “blackmail” thing. I don’t think this even really needs to be discussed. Does anyone actually think Aye would have posted that photo?? We can say that it was an insensitive way to tease/urge Akk into doing what he wanted, but that’s literally their entire relationship. Aye pushes. Akk yields (and is arguably much better for it). The bigger issue to me was the lack of consent for the kiss, but that’s another thing. At its base, this was Aye and Akk doing Aye and Akk things in a car alone together in the parking lot of the Gay Café. 

(Again, maybe I’m doing too much work to “justify” these two events, but also again, this is just how I feel about them. I’m not really wanting to psychoanalyze myself here)

Ok, so. The big scene.

I think the two factors I brought up earlier -- intention and audience -- are part of why this scene was so upsetting to me and thus maybe hard for me to be super objective about.

Do I think Thua was justified in finally snapping after being forced to endure merciless bullying and the other assorted horrors of Suppalo? Damn right. Do I think he was right to bring Aye’s lack of impartiality to light? Sure.

Do I think the outing was necessary or justified? NO. First of all, this was in front of the entire school, which is so very obviously the opposite of a safe space. Thua himself knows how hostile and homophobic the administration and many of the students are.

Second of all, I think it’s pretty evident in Louis’ acting that the outing brought him some sense of schadenfreude. He had a smirk on his face. Imo (and as he later said), he was so angry at Aye and Akk for “covering for each other” that he wanted to hurt them. It was an act of revenge before it was an act of providing evidence of a compromised party.

As other people have pointed out, it was super messed up of him to steal Aye’s dead uncle’s journal to try to get between Aye and Akk... and then go beyond that and read it?? 

And then go beyond *that* and up the ante on the curse? And then shout about how Akk and Aye don’t get to use their love to justify their mistakes.. while conveniently forgetting to own up to any of his own actions? I guess I don’t feel like Aye forcing Thua into a half-assed, explanation-free confession and then Thua offering himself up for punishment (that one can assume would be much less publicized) remedies that. 

I also find his words during that “confession/explanation” scene confusing. Akk asks something like “Why have you changed?” and Thua replies (this is a direct quote from the ENG subs) “I think I just feel ashamed seeing younger students make such sacrifices and then be threatened. I think every change requires sacrifice. If my bad action could change anything at all, it was worth it.”

But his bad actions specifically made things so much worse for the younger students???? Thua was responsible for the banner, the account, and the doll. Arguably, his actions were more mentally traumatizing for The World Remembers than having an errant flower pot fall next to them or having red paint flung on their posters (again, not excusing any of that OR the literal Truck oh my God Akk even if it was idling it could’ve seriously hurt someone).

So that doesn’t feel like a satisfactory explanation. 

I guess at the end of the day, I feel so upset because Thua had more pieces of the puzzle than anyone else -- he knew about Aye’s uncle, Akk’s actions, Teacher Chadok’s wrongs, when the curse started, etc. etc. -- and he chose to do *that* about it.

Instead of talking to The World Remembers members and bringing them in on the plan and offering them a way to fight back, he used them just like everyone else did. And hurt them much more in the process.

Instead of confronting Aye (whose actions made it clear he genuinely cares for and respects Thua) with his knowledge of Akk being the curse, he assumed that they were covering for each other and let spite and jealousy fuel him. If he had just talked to Aye, he would’ve found out that Aye wasn’t going to let Akk weasel out of facing concequences (we all know he’d been pushing him to tell the truth for weeks) – in the moment, he was just trying to avoid Akk’s entire mental state being shattered in front of the whole school.

I guess that’s what makes the whole thing feel so tragic for all the characters. If they had just communicated and confided in each other, they could have all worked together. Something something people feeling alone facing oppressive systems and choosing to try to survive alone instead of coming together to fight... 

So yeah. Again, I love that Thua’s character finally had enough. I love that he was allowed to break out of the goody-two-shoes mold and scream and yell and fight. I love that he was allowed to make that mistake. It’s obviously realistic to just say things to hurt people when you’re angry. I think it makes the show more interesting, and obviously that scene had a huge response regardless of people’s positions on it.

But I do think people are allowed to be upset. I’m upset.

He had *so* much time (planning the next moves of the curse, observing Aye and Akk, deciding how to target Chadok) to rethink his choices, and he just kept doubling down. Again, realistic. Again, upsetting.

And I think the reason people are even *more* upset is because there was no resolution to that blatant shit move of his. I know a ton of people have brought it up, but the fact that we didn’t get to hear an *actual* full explanation of his actions, that no one yelled at him because of the outing specifically, that we didn’t get to see them all fall apart again together and end up with stronger friendships because of it..... bull. 

Ik some people feel as though the point was that everyone let go of their hurt with the whole truth out in the open... but I think that’s a cop-out tbh. And I love the sweet moments as much as everyone else, but for the story this show is telling, I think we really needed that scene, and ik they could’ve done so much with it.

TL;DR: I feel so upset at Thua because it feels like he had a more complete picture than everyone else and simply used that insight to make everything worse. The audience needed more closure than cutting to a scene where everyone was making a BL together.. as much as I feel like watching BL “fixes” some of my issues. I wish they would’ve given us an extra episode with those cute scenes and actually addressed what needed to be addressed in this one.

Wow. Not sure if I feel better, but this is more than I’ve written recreationally in over 2 years, so.. go me?

[myjunkisyuzuruhanyu]

Just a little complaint about "rescoring" and "rejudging"

Feel free to disagree...

Everytime I stumble upon new "rescoring" or new "analysis" from a certain department of fans of the Beijing scores...I am at a loss...because I think rescoring or analysis barring any major bias is impossible at this stage. The competitions happened - months ago even - the circumstances of the judging (namely a program just happens before your eyes, you saw everyone not only the couple chosen ones to rescore and not knowing what placement would happen is simply never to be undone) and there are always multiple judges on each panel, so one person doing a rescore is just making no sense as not one person only decides the places in the end. Also at this point there have been so many different opinions and rescores of the matter that you cannot be not influenced by it at all depending on whose fan analysis or rescores you read.

All those "results" that appear just now are just from fans and even if you are a trained judge the things listed above still play a part.

This is not to say that looking at the scoring and possible changes in placements makes no sense or shouldn't be done, because sure it should be done because you can learn and reevaluate the things that happened (btw I am the first to say scores should be open to be revalued at the competition directly (like in artistic/rhythmic gymnastics where inquiries can be done about scores)), but my feeling is that "rescoring" is only then at play when ppl assume the "wrong" skater gets the medals. It's not free of bias, it's not free of favoritism and in the end it doesn't change anything at all.

I am not saying at all judges are always right - there happen lot of questionable things - BUT in the end the situation of the competition cannot be returned. And thus I think analyzing is fine if it's done for the WHOLE competition, but rescoring is so dependent on personal bias of the person "rescoring ", it just cannot be seen as "proof" for different results. So pls take any "rescoring" you see with a big chunk of salt (remember this supposedly certified ISU judge on Twt which tweet got a lot of attention? It turned out to be just a big Yuzu fan account known for hating on other skaters who lied about being a judge)

And lastly everyone is free to be displeased at results or see things differently, we can always discuss about it, but don't disrespect the skaters who earned the medals, because your opinion isn't the only valid one and in skating I have yet to see a day where everyone judges and all viewers, fans etc. have the exact same result for any competition. I also share my opinion on scoring but I don't think that my opinion is of more value than those of others.

....

Why am I writing this? Well...after months and months after Beijing I am tired of the ppl nullifying the results as some unfair scandal as like in 2002 Salt Lake City, because it's not scandalous. Are there different opinions on the results, yes totally, but a big fat scandal? No.

Look I love Yuzu with all my heart, but even as his fan you have to admit that Nathan had the better competition and fairly won the Gold.

Btw same goes for the stupid discussion that somehow started about Sochi 2014 and Yuzu's Gold medal. Same goes there. Devaluing Yuzu's Gold medal in Sochi is the same bs as devaluing Nathan's in Beijing.

___

Btw I am not in for restarting a discussion about it here on Tumblr I just needed my thoughts to be shared somewhere

And I have already posted a lengthy analysis myself about the men competition at Beijing 2022 BUT without rescoring.

___

This was in my drafts for a while but well I just post it now...don't expect me to answer any questions about it I am seldomly checking my blog atm

[wearetakingthehobbitstogallifrey]

MONICA YOU LOVED MANIC TOO??!?!? I'm overjoyed because I've only spoken to one (1) other person who really loved it & I feel so relieved, somehow, that you love it since you're the BEST OF US and what YOU love always gets right to the heart of a thing or a story. ANYWAY. Finally // and I Hate Everybody are my absolute favorites, and don't you think this album is like Ashley's version of Lover??? it's her most honest, and maybe lowest but also sweetest and steadiest album. I'M IN LOVE

YES YES YES YES YES I AM SOOO EXCITED YOU LOVE IT WILL YOU BE MY MANIC BUDDY *SINGS IT’S NICE TO HAVE A FRIEND WHO LOVES HALSEY*

also thank you sincerely and seriously so much for the glowing shoutout

#WONDER WOMAN SPEAKS MY HEART AND ALSO THIS IS SURPRISINGLY (?) RELEVANT TO THE ONCOMING STORM OF AN ESSAY

before I go any further I want to inform you I am drinking hot chocolate and Bailey’s out of my Batman/Catwoman mug and I still have Christmas lights up. This is not relevant to the following essay but I just thought you should know

I should start the essay shouldn’t I

First of all, I LOVE what you say about this being Ashley’s version of Lover. Both are a...finding of self, more or less complete. This isn’t to say that Taylor’s journey is over—she still has a lot of life and song left to fight through and to enjoy—but by the last words of “Daylight,” it seems to me that through all her struggles, she has finally discovered how to be gentle with herself and how to light her world.

I want to be defined by the things I love,

Not the things I hate

Not the things I am afraid of, I’m afraid of,

The things that haunt me in the middle of the

night, I

I just think that you are what you love.

In Lover, through Lover, by Lover, Taylor is whole again in her soul, and being thus whole and free, her future is quietly hopeful—even in the reality of the sorrowful “Soon You’ll Get Better” (which I still cannot listen to because it wounds my heart). I cannot imagine what she will do next, for she has the most expansive possibilities ahead of her.

Going back to Ashley, or Halsey, well, I can say nothing so clear about Manic other than that it aches. It aches because the whole thing is a confession. It is a spilling out of herself, all her hurts and frustrations and failures and most importantly the confusion of it all that lasts till this day and may last many more. Somehow, somewhere, in all this mess, I feel that by the end of the album, Ashley has found a grain of peace. She is still searching, still longing for things she maybe doesn’t even understand, but she understands herself, and, I hope, understands in a small way that it is okay to be in a state of longing and aching and messing up and trying again.

I’m sleepy so I’m not sure I am being coherent or cohesive, forgive me. I’m just going to say a few things about my favorite songs!

“Ashley.” So this wasn’t the first song I listened to, because of the singles released earlier. But how powerful is it that Halsey opens up with her name? There is nothing I like better than an album that tells a story (surprise!) and the instant I saw the track listing, I was shook.

Seems like now it's impossible to work this outI'm so committed to an old ghost townIs it really that strange if I always wanna change?And if only the time and space between us wasn't lonelyI'd disintegrate into a thousand piecesI think I'm making a mistakeBut if I decide to break, who will fill the empty space?

This verse—I don’t know if it is just where I am in my own life, but really, who hasn’t felt this strange rending of desires in some capacity. Cling to the past? Leap toward the unknown? I want to live near my parents forever, and see my mom every Sunday like I have for years now. I want to live in a foreign country, or even out near my old college, or heck even live in a city for year or six months, just because it would be an Experience. (Couldn’t live there indefinitely, not this girl who loves endless trees and hills and warm summer night country roads and rustling corn.)

How do we know what to do? How do we decide? What if we get left alone, with no one to comfort and support us? What if we cannot handle the consequences of our choices?

Apart from my beating heartIt's a muscle but it's still not strong enoughTo carry the weight of the choices I've madeI told you I'd ride this outIt's getting harder every day somehowI'm bursting out of myself

LOOK AT THIS! LOOK AT IT! I DARE YOU TO SAY THIS IS NOT A UNIVERSAL EMOTION. THIS IS WHAT THE ALBUM WILL BE ABOUT SO IF YOU CANNOT OPEN YOUR HEART AND BE PREPARED TO FEEL EMPATHY AND COMPASSION FOR THE YOUNG WOMAN WHO IS ABOUT TO SPILL HER GUTS TO YOU THEN GET OUT OF MY HOUSE

Ahem, I’m sorry, please stay, I don’t actually want you to go. Just sit down and I’ll give you your own hot chocolate. But listen. Ashley is, before anything, a human being. Therefore, she is going to mess up, just the same as any of us, maybe more, maybe less, but that is never going to take away a speck of her intrinsic worth, or the way that God loves her. Her struggles will not obliterate her humanity, but if I ignore her sorrows, her need for something more, her brilliance and strength and longing to love, then I would nigh obliterate my own.

Also, can I just say she has gone through some REALLY hard things in her life, things I couldn’t imagine, and for her to be where she is now—I just want the best for her. Do I agree with everything she does or believes? No. Is my life at all similar to hers? Not really. But I still feel a kinship with her, and it bleeds through in her music.

This is getting away from me isn’t it. I’m just trying to say that Manic struck a chord in my heart that has been reverberating ever since I first perceived it.

Oh gosh it is 12:30, I have to be up at 6. I’m going to fly through a few other songs and then you can message me about the rest or something 😊

“Clementine” has such color, doesn’t it? Also the line about her wondering what it’s like to be the blood in her veins—I love it!

“Graveyard” with the thing you love the most being the detriment—not going to lie, this is a story song for me, it fits into the Gold Rush Silmarillion AU I am co-authoring. Feanor and his own pride, Maedhros and half the people he loves, Fingon and Maedhros—the list could go on.

“You should be sad” and “More” gutted me because I had only just learned she has endometriosis, and has experienced a miscarriage before.

“Forever...(is a long time)”:

It's a nice surprise knowing six feet highWould reach and grab the moon if I should ask

Or just imply that I want you to be more lightSo I could look inside his eyesAnd get the colors just right

And

What am I thinking? What does this mean?How could somebody ever love me?

Self-doubt and questioning one’s ability to be loved ☹

“Without Me” gets stuck in my head and I LOVE IT I SING IT.

Found you when your heart was brokeI filled your cup until it overflowedTook it so far to keep you close (Keep you close)I was afraid to leave you on your own

 Is there anything more painful than giving all of yourself to someone, loving them so much that you do anything to help them heal—and then all they do is hurt you.

“Finally// beautiful stranger” I’m ashamed to say the first time I listened to it I wasn’t paying attention and so I was like eh it’s fine. THEN I LISTENED TO IT AGAIN. WHY IS THIS SONG HALSEY’S “ENCHANTED” (I can probably explain this, but just after I’ve had sleep)

“killing boys” there are a lot of things I could say about this song but the main thing I want to say is if there was a song that is ME regarding the sound of it only, it is this one. When she sings “you don’t need me anymore” and “I don’t need you anymore” OOH IT GETS ME IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL

Also

Told me pick my battles and be picking 'em wiseBut I wanna pick 'em all and I don't want to decideNo more, no more, anymore

THIS IS THAT TUMBLR THING  “MY MOM LIKES TO TELL ME ‘YOU HAVE TO PICK YOUR BATTLES’ WELL I’M FULL OF RAGE AND I’M PICKING ALL OF THEM”

ALSO ALSO GETTING INTO THE LYRICS THIS IS HER MOVING ON, THIS IS HER DECISIVELY SAYING NO THIS NOT RIGHT THIS IS HARMFUL TO ME I AM DONE. AND FOR SOMEONE WHO HAS EXPRESSED UNCERTAINTY AND DIFFICULTY MAKING DECISIONS, IT SO GOOD TO SEE HER MAKE A HEALTHY CHOICE FOR HERSELF

“Suga’s Interlude:” LOOK YOU LOVE BTS TOO SO I’M SURE YOU KNOW THE STORY OF HOW IT CAME TO BE AND YOU KNOW ALL ABOUT BTS AND THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH HALSEY BUT FOR THE SAKE OF THE READERS LET ME SUM UP

Halsey did a collaboration with BTS called “Boy with Luv” and it shook the charts and is wonderful and I love it. Not only did they create that song though, but she flew out to South Korea and learned the dance choreography so that she could sing and dance in the song’s music video. This was the beginning of a beautiful, cross-language, cross-cultural friendship that has involved friendship bracelets, churros, a personalized microphone, and mutual teasing.

Anyway, Halsey had been really impressed with BTS member Suga, saying “Yoongi is really introspective and has this really intelligent perspective on where we are and what we are doing in our unique lifestyles.” She also was moved by the hard work and sacrifices he (and his fellow band members) have made. Anyway, she asked Suga to write and sing a song with her. He was initially surprised, saying that he can’t rap in English. Halsey, gem that she is, was like bro, pls rap in Korean, that would be awesome. Pardon me for copying half the lyrics for this song but to me it is pivotal in Manic as a whole:

I’ve been trying all my lifeTo separate the timeIn between the having it allAnd giving it up, yeah...

Here is the conflict and strife that Halsey has dealt with all her life—there is fear of loss there, and also fear of what one has. The power it has over you. The way things might go wrong.

I believe your faith, efforts, beliefs, and greed,are not hideous...Although the dawn right before the sun rises is the darkest,Never forget that the stars that you wish for,can only rise within the dark...

Suga reminding himself, Halsey, and us to cling to hope, ragged and worn, even in the most difficult of times. Also—in the face of our insecurities and self-recrimination for the goals we set—he tell us that our deepest parts are valid

If I run endlessly towards the end of the tunnel,what will there beIt’s true, it’s honestly differentfrom the future that I had hoped forBut it doesn’t matter, now it’s a matter of living/survivingIt doesn’t matter what happenedYeah yeah it might bedifferent from the things that you expectedYour living and your loving might changeThat’s true That’s true That’s trueYeah so are you gonna moveWe’re still too youthful and young to hesitateLet’s face it (our lives)...

This, this verse is so important. Look back at the song “Ashley”, particularly the lines I already quoted. Indecision because the fear of what might be, of what failure could do, wrecking her worse than ever, with no one to help her. Indecision because of a nostalgia that might be bitter or softly sad, what was past was at least known. It was good perhaps, it was awful more likely. But it was gotten through. There is no guarantee that Halsey will be able to get through whatever the future holds. But Suga comes in here, having faced struggles similar at their core, and he embodies the Nike slogan. Just DO IT. Don’t hold yourself back. Don’t let yourself drown, stuck in sinking mud. Embrace the unknown. If you let fear hold you back, you are as good as dead. There will be no growth, no hope battling through the dark for something better. You have to MOVE! And maybe you were right, things will never be the same, or the way you want it to be, but MAYBE THE DIFFERENT WILL BE BETTER!!!

Anyway, this section really should have been its own essay, because I’m still not done with it. You may have noticed I have been calling them Halsey and Suga, and the song is indeed called “Suga’s Interlude” but this song is so deep and personal to them both, it feels wrong to use their stage names. This is Ashley speaking, this is Yoongi speaking. Halsey posted a cute, stick figure drawing as artwork for the song, and the two singers are pictured there—and named as Ashley and Yoongi. This song is not just a collaboration by two talented artists, this is a look into the souls of a woman and a man who’ve shed blood, sweat, and tears to become the people they are. This intimacy fits the whole theme of the album so well, I LITERALLY CANNOT

I am so sorry I will move on now. It is 2:00 am. I need to go to bed. I am not. I need to talk about 929.

Well first let me say that “Still Learning” is also super important to the theme of the album.

I know that I've done some wrongBut I'm trying to make it rightDid the one I love do me wrong?Give me up right now

I know that I love you but I'm still learningTo love myself (to love my, to love my, to love my)I'm still learning to love myself (to love my, to love my, to love my)

She has made confessions and declarations and sung her frustration, and now she is moving forward. The road may be long and hard, but she is moving forward. I had something else to say but I forgot it sorry.

And NOW

929!!!!

This song miiiiight be my favorite on the album, not sure. My heart trembles and I get chills listening to it, because the music and her voice are so gentle and soothing but the lyrics are essentially a list of moments that have been needles and knives to Ashley, all her fears revealed, that she wasn’t enough then and she isn’t enough now, that the girl with the pink hair lied when she said that everyone needed Ashley. It’s a soft confession, a stream of consciousness, so it was written and so I hear it. And in this moment, how can I not love her? How can I not cry for her, for me, for anyone and everyone who struggles with self-worth, with being wanted, with being loved, with loving, with forgiving self and others?Halsey is flawed, and I just want to give her extra love because of that.

But you know what? I think she is going to be ok.

This is where I want to go back and compare Manic to Lover. There is this knowledge of the self, a kind of peace with who one is. I don’t mean that either Taylor or Ashley have reached their pinnacle of self, but they see themselves a little more clearly, and are not suppressing that knowledge.

929 sounds like water gently pouring out of a pitcher into a basin, and water, properly placed, does not drown but gives life. There is hope by the end of this song, hope despite her difficult life, hope despite the fact that she was never even telling the truth about her time of birth. (That story could be a despairing one, the “I’m a fucking liar” could be the miniscule mistake that breaks her after all the rest of her mistakes, but instead...I don’t know she just sounds kind of amused, like even if she is disappointed or upset about it, there is still this “oh well, whatever, can’t believe that happened lol” to her voice and laughter. She knows who she is now, and there is a better woman she might be, but she is not angry with herself for being who she is, and she will move forward, letting go of her ghost towns and all her fears.

Let me end with a quote about 929: “I just start spilling all of my thoughts about myself and my fans and my family, and I admit so many faults and flaws all in one go. It’s forgiving, however, it ends with the acknowledgment that I am learning and growing, minute by minute.”

Ashley, like Taylor, is making a new start. They have both found a sort of daylight, and though there may always be shadows, I really really hope that they will know mostly sun, and spread it around for others.

ALSO I JUST REALIZED I COULD NOW BE SOMEONE’S MANIC PIXIE DREAMGIRL :D 

*Disclaimer: I AM SO FREAKING TIRED I AM GOING TO BED, THIS WHOLE THING IS ENTIRELY UNEDITED, ALSO I LEFT SOME SONGS OUT OOPS WELL TWO OF THEM I DON’T CARE FOR AS MUCH BUT I THINK I FORGOT 3 AM WHICH I DO  LIKE BUT I AM NOT GOING BACK TO WRITE ABOUT IT NOW. I APOLOGIZE FOR THE RAMBLING MESS AND LACK OF ELOQUENCE BUT HERE WE BE THIS IS WHAT YOU GET HOPE IT MADE YOU SMILE

[daomings-blog]

      hi my new friends ! i thought i was gonna copy and paste this intro from an old group i was in, but i love Torture and thus... rewrote the whole thing with a couple of new tiny details ! i’m jai, 21, she/they, and from the eastern timezone ! uh... this is my first time being in a krp and i kinda recently got into kpop as a whole i’m biased to got7 if you haven’t noticed Yeet, so pls take it easy on me, i’m trying my best ! and.... i hate to be That Person, but discord/ooc chats make me anxious & overwhelmed so i won’t always be in the chat but just know like ... i’m there in spirit. anywhomst, what you do guys say to me introducing you guys to kang while i wait to see if my spanish professor cancels class tomorrow, shall we ?

let’s introduce you to DAO MING ‘KANG’ FENG MIAN, they are a TWENTY EIGHT year old WANG JACKSON lookalike living in HOTEL YONGSAN. this particular CISMALE has been living in Seoul for TWO AND A HALF YEARS and has gained the title of being THE INTANGIBLE CONCEPT during that time, which is probably because of their SCRUPULOUS, OBSERVANT yet DOMINEERING, AGGRESSIVE tendencies. not to mention HE currently works as a RESTAURANT OWNER & HEIR, and can been seen hanging around DONGMAEMUN DESIGN PLAZA in their free time. 

MINI MENTIONS OF ASSAULT AND MISCARRIAGE, BUT I DON’T GO INTO DETAIL.

right off the bat, kang’s real name is feng mian but literally no one calls him that now other than his grumpy grandfather. he introduces himself as kang and likes to be addressed as such.

he was born in shanghai to zhang wei ( ceo and director of the london headquarters of the dao ming corp. ) and jinghua ( a former international high fashion model and current cookbook author ). kang doesn’t have any siblings, so he grew up close to his cousins.

the dao ming family business is the dao ming corporation, which is the largest family owned corporation in shanghai and makes the dao ming family the wealthiest in china, with an estimated net worth of $58.9b, and it constantly rises everyday.

the dao ming corporation mostly focuses on financials, luxury real estate, and construction. the current ceo and director is kang’s grandfather, but when he passes away, then kang’s father will take over the company as a whole and kang will lead the london headquarters.

jinghua had a pretty difficult pregnancy with kang ( which is why he’s an only child ), and it was expected that she would have a miscarriage, but kang ended up coming a few weeks earlier than his due date. her pregnancy had already been a public spectacle since their relationship & marriage was already followed and scrutinized, so jinghua and zhang wei decided to raise kang in london. he was 3 when they made the move.

the family settled in the affluent hampstead, london village and kang grew up pretty spoiled. his parents always got him whatever he wanted, but they also weren’t the kind of parents to pass their son off on nannies. despite their own busy careers, zhang wei and jinghua were always there for important events, to tell him goodnight, and greet him when he came home from school.

during his teenage years, as most do, kang went through his rebellious stage. he started not listening and being an overall little dick, but he made sure to bring home the best grades. he knew from a young age that he’d someday be doing his father’s job, and kang hates feeling like a failure, so he always did his best.

when he was sixteen, kang was gifted with a porsche 911 that he would always use to hotbox with his friends. kang got into smoking as a way to calm his nerves ( since he does have generalized anxiety disorder ), but he also liked to do it with his friends because that was their way of hanging out with one another.

fast forward and kang went off to the university of cambridge thanks to his incredible grades on his a-levels ( i hope i got that right i’m a dumb american ), and three and a half years later, kang graduated early and was gifted with the car that would ruin his life for a couple of years: a snow white bentley bentayga.

it’s the summer following kang’s graduation and he goes to a manchester united game with his friends. of course, kang had been drinking ( don’t worry, he wasn’t driving ), but they drove his car to the game. when leaving, kang’s car had been scraped badly by someone who was backing out of his parking space. instead of kang just exchanging insurance info and going to get his car fixed .... he ended up getting into a really bad fight with the stranger.

his friends attempted to get him to stop, and once the police arrived, kang turned his drunken assault on the police. thus, kang was arrested. he was originally charged with public intoxication, assault and battery, and assault on a police officer, but thanks to his fancy pants lawyers and his parents, it was talked down to two years on the charges of assault and assault on an officer.

so, kang spent two years in federal prison.

following his release, kang returned home, but his grandfather saw kang as nothing more than a huge, huge disappointment. he wanted zhang wei and jinghua to cut kang off financially from the family, but they weren’t going to do that to their son. kang spent about three months at home, and during that time he decided he wanted to open a restaurant in seoul.

his parents were supportive, and kang had always loved to cook, so he figured that the restaurant would keep him out of trouble and keep him busy until it was time for him to take over his dad’s portion of the family business.

once he got soba up and running, kang made the move to seoul full time two and a half years ago. over the course of those two years, kang settled into the presidential suite of hotel yongsan and slowly started getting tattoos. he currently has a full sleeve on his left arm, and for now he’s finished, but that’s mostly bc his mom smacked tf out of the back of his head when she saw it for the first time.

PERSONALITY

so, kang’s a momma’s boy even if he doesn’t want to admit it. you know that tumblr post about the boy who cursed really loud, his phone rang and like a second later, in the softest voice he said “hi mama”? that’s kang in a nutshell.

overall, though, he’s a really antagonistic guy. he’s content with being alone, and he doesn’t really like when people play games or joke around too much. all in all, he’s the kind of guy who doesn’t handle his emotions well and he doesn’t really like to have his emotions played with, so just.. don’t press his buttons.

positively, he’s really into a routines and having things in order, so he might panic if something falls out of whack and he doesn’t know how to fix it.

whenever he’s really upset, though, kang will completely shut people out and either spend his time in the kitchen at soba or he’ll shut himself off in his suitte. he likes to give himself time to be alone and it’s kind of his way of managing his anger -- sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t. it all truly depends on how angry he was at that moment.

he swears a lot, skips breakfast all the time, and has a bad habit of stress eating amongst other habits. he can be really sarcastic and he doesn’t like letting people in, so good luck getting his can of worms open ! uh, he barely sleeps and wakes up at sunrise, but somehow manages to not look like a zombie so that’s we’re at fam !

as for plots, i’m pretty much open to anything ! best friends, friends with benefits, ex friends with benefits, ex friends, enemies, rivals, family friends, squad, strictly hookups, one night stand, two night stand, hateship, work friends, drunken hookup, flirtationship, ex fling, current fling, ex bf/gf, on and off again, almost gf/bf, workout buddies, neighbors, and literally anything else we could think of ! also, kang doesn’t label his sexuality AT ALL so that’s a lil thing to know when plotting ok !

[morozovastarkovs]

since this whole anti debacle got me all riled up and really angry i just need to vent and rant and let out my thoughts on the whole jtv mess.

full disclaimer, if you’re expecting anything remotely positive about michael in this, you’re in the wrong fucking place. i hate the man and would spit on his grave if i could. you’ve been warned, if any michael/cordu/eva stans still read this & come into my inbox looking to start a fight or anything, lmao don’t bother bc i won’t respond anyway. i don’t want to start drama or anythng, i just wanna share my viewpoint(s) on the whole thing and use my blog and this post as an outlet for it. if u do want to politely & maturely discuss my views, that’s fine. i’m open to it. nothing else tho.

anyway what bothers me most is that people are constantly like “michael had to die in order for jafael to happen” and “rafael will always be jane’s second choice” or wHATFUCKINGEVER. and i don’t want to see that shit in the jafael tag. not when i go on tumblr dot com, not on twitter, not anywhere. i’m SICK of it, cause it’s everywhere, cordu/eva stans pls come collect ur garbage we dont want it.

anyway i hope those people know that michael was supposed to die back in season 1 and thus jafael was always supposed to be endgame. jane/michael is a thing that they kinda came up with spontaneously and it’s because they got renewed for another season, and another one, and if they had jane and rafael end up together already there wouldn’t have been anything left to tell a story about, since the love triangle was clearly the focal point of the plot in seasons 1 + 2. they had to drag it out at this point like??

i haven’t seen seasons 2b and 3a and never will because unlike some other poeple i am actually able to stop watching a show if something happens that i don’t like and don’t want to see w/o complaining about it nonstop. anyway from what i’ve heard, rafael starts acting kinda shady in those episodes and i have no idea what exactly was going on with his character arc then but as far as i can tell, and yea i might be totally biased, but to me this just seemed like a blatant attempt to get people on board with michael and jane because they literally spent a whole season making the viewers root for jane and rafael and they had to fix that. what better way to do that than by making rafael unlikable /unsuitable in some way? idk man, but it’s cheap and i’m glad i didn’t sit through that character slander.

at this point i would also like to add that if you weren’t “Team Rafael” or whatever in s1 what the hell were you even fucking doing. michael was suuuuuper shitty in s1, he was such a fuckboy and that’s literally why i started hating him so much. he lowkey stalked jane and was immediately immensely jealous of rafael and instantly hated him which??? what the fuck is wrong with you my guy. not only is this so childish and stupid bc rafael didn’t even do anything, but it’s also so disrespectful to jane bc he clearly thinks she’s capable of cheating on him w rafael which ... wow ... you seem to have so much trust and faith in your fiancee! great! gold star for you darlin’. and he just did not support jane in her decision to have the baby after all, he even went behind her back and covered stuff up so she would still give the baby to the solanos. and do NOT get me started on the whole shitty thing where jane flat out told him that she was devoted to rafael and that he was the one she saw herself with, and could he stop pining after her & move on? and he literally had the fuckin GALL to basically tell her she was delusional and that they’d be together? like, even if he was sort of right, this is SO not romantic. if a guy ever tells me he knows me and what i want better than myself he can FUCK OFF. god this scene makes me so angry u don’t even wanna know lmao.

ANYWAY though i had my moments of doubt here and there, i was still p sure that jafael would be endgame, no matter how they would accomplish it. the way that they had michael die in the end was shitty and sloppy writing, i’ll give u that, and literally something no one liked. most jafael shippers didn’t like the whole michael/jane thing to begin with and obv cordu/eva/michael stans didn’t either. tbh i was more expecting that they would write him off in a way that he either left/had to leave for something or that he does somethin unforgivable and jane, like, divorces him or something but i didn’t think they’d kill him after all. oh well. i’m not complaining but i will concede that it was stupid writing.

so... lastly.... “rafael will always be second choice” first of all, even if michael hadn’t died they still would have found their way back to each other. killing him off was simply the easiest way out of the cordu/eva situation and so they went with that. second of all, YIKES! i hate this mentality that you will only ever have the one “love of your life” or whatever you wanna call it and thats it. nothing will ever compare to that and if u lose them you’ll be miserable forever? no thanks. i believe that you can love more than one person in your life, deeply and genuinely love them and have that love be just as fulfilling and great as the other(s). everything else is quite frankly bullshit. it will always be different, yes, but never not as beautiful as anything that came before it and like ... u like to say u care about jane so much but if thats true do you really want her to be unhappy and alone the rest of her life??? no? ..so what you’re saying is you just don’t want her w rafael just because... ok. u do u sweaty :)

anyway i can’t wait for jafael to continue to rise and be endgame, good night.

[callous-goat]

all of the asks pretty pls

1.Kissed a girl?

Yup2.Kissed a boy?

unfortunately yup3.Had sex in public?

nope4.What’s your religion?

I kinda go with the flow5.What does your URL mean?

had an ex that used to call me her lil birb and then called me her seagull cuz seagulls are cool and I like suits so I photoshopped a suit onto a seagull and I was making a tumblr and I was like “This thing looks professional” and thus, theprofessionalseagull was born.6.Reason you joined tumblr?

liked seeing the funny stuff in screenshots then decided to join in on the fun7.Do you have any nicknames?

em, and thats about it. I like being called Myles tho instead of my birth name if that counts.8.Do you like bubble bath?

baths make me feel gross because im already dirty and then i gotta soak in the dirt so no i hate baths9.Kissed in the rain?

nope10.Dyed your hair?

wanted to, but no11.Soup or salad?

salad, I haven’t found a soup i’ve liked yet12.Vegetable or meat?

meat for sure (especially chicken)13.Go out drinking?

too young to do that14.Smoke cigarettes?

hate the smell so no15.Smoke weed?

my mom would kill me so no16.Do any hard drugs?

see previous answer17.Have you had sex today?

never had sex ever so no18.Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?

I think like once, but it was a friend not even like someone i was dating19.The relationship between you and the person you last texted?

friends20.Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?

not that i can remember cuz mine are like dark ass brown and they looked black when i was younger21.Skipped doing homework to play a video game?

you mean like im about to do rn? yes.22.Tried to commit suicide?

almost, but chickened out before i actually did it23.The last time you felt broken?

hahaha every day24.Had to lie to EVERYONE about how you felt?

not everyone, just a lot of people25.Do you have a Boyfriend/Girlfriend?

single and ready to mingle 26.Do you have Long hair OR short hair?

short27.First thing you notice to a guy/girl?

surprisingly their hair is the first thing i usually notice, like i especially like and notice short and dyed girls hair its my aesthetic28.Do you sing in the shower?

only if im in a good mood29.Do you dance in the car?

not anymore30.Where were you yesterday?

work31.Ever used a bow and arrow?

nope but i’ve always wanted to32.Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?

when i was like 533.Do you think musicals are cheesy?

no, but to be fair the only one ive seen is les mis so34.Is Christmas stressful?

some years more than others35.Favorite type of fruit pie?

don’t really like pie in general, but my favorite fruit is apple36.Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?

i wanted to be an artist when i was little, then i saw other people’s art and was like “whelp better find something else”37.Do you believe in ghosts?

yup.38.Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?

every other day is a deja-vu feeling39.Take a vitamin daily?

i try to, but i always end up forgetting40.Wear slippers?

nah, never really got into it41.Wear a bath robe?

nope42.What do you wear to bed?

pjs and a shirt43.Do you want to get married?

yup, someday44.Can you curl your tongue?

what kinda curl? i can do the taco thing with it but that’s about it

Relationship preference: 45.How many relationships have you had?

4 i think46.How can I win your heart?

be sweet and comforting and allow me to be clingy af to you. and don’t leave for like awhile without telling me why cuz i get worried.47.what makes a great relationship?

communication and honesty. never lie to me or i get salty af.48.Shy OR open?

if its asking about my preference then i don’t care either way50.Religious OR non-religious?

not religious to a point where they follow the words to a t but i don’t mind religion in general51.Caring OR non-restricting of you?

non-restricting but caring enough to not be possessive kinda thing52.Straight edge OR non-straight edge?

i dunno what that means tbh. 53.Piercings OR no piercings?

i don’t mind piercings as long as it’s not tongue piercings cuz those creep me out54.Tattoos OR no tattoos?

either way is fine, as long as it’s not like nazi trash tattoos all over ya55.Quiet stay-at-home type OR party type?

stay at home cuz otherwise id be alone af cuz i hate parties ( i have social anxiety so i can’t really go to parties)