#pls internet give me entertainment

[occultashq]

*sighs* here i am because twitter is down and i need to be chronically online or else i'll start thinking about my life

[edwardslvrr]

LOVE ON STREAM 𐙚 charles leclerc

౨ৎ charles leclerc x streamer!reader

the one where they are both on the ea sports livestream and the internet ships them together, not knowing they're already together (based on this request)

taglist if you'd like to be added to my taglist, message me privately or comment on this post

warning this is all fake and just for fun, no hate to any of the people mentioned. Just a reminder that this is pure for entertainment хохо

main masterlist 𐙚 charles masterlist

━━ 𝓕EBRUARY 3RD, 2024

౨ৎ f1 fan twitter

౨ৎ yourinstagram no location

liked by charles_leclerc and 194.793 others

yourinstagram new livestream tn, join for good luck! will have a special guest on stream while playing f1 yipee 💞

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username who is that man?

username pls let it be charles 🤞🏻

username aint no way that’d be him what😭

username wanna steal your dog..

username you fr became obsessed with that game.. i kinda love you for it

username you became an f1 streamer atp😅

౨ৎ messages charles/yn

౨ৎ twitch yourtwitchname

౨ৎ f1 fan twitter

౨ৎ yourinstagram posted on their stories

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username yeah all the flirting was fun

charles_leclerc had so much fun, thanks baby for having me tonight ❤️ yourinstagram love u sooo

username such a good stream!

username i love you guys

━━ 𝓜ARCH 2ND, 2024

౨ৎ yourinstagram posted on their stories

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charles_leclerc some big problems with the brakes today on my side. good thing is that we finished the race and i think we did a really good job finishing 4th with the issue we had to manage. now onto jeddah next weekend already 🏎️

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username insane performance!!

username so proud of you today

yourinstagram he did it ladies and gentlemen!

username all that practice on stream w yn will oay off😉

username even with a break issue this guy can get p4, insane!

username yn in the garage cheering tho >

౨ৎ f1 fan twitter

━━ 𝓜ARCH 5TH, 2024

౨ৎ yourinstagram no location

liked by charles_leclerc and 203.793 others

yourinstagram lately 🤍🫀🍀

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username every post gives me a heart attack thinking it’d be a hard launch

username this is so real

username just hard launch pls

username you’re gorgeous

username the ferrari picture >

username kiss me

username kiss charles **

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username I KNEW IT

username you weren’t even trying to hide atp

username is he trying to better his basketball skills?

username i’m sobbing

౨ৎ charles_leclerc posted on their stories

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username awww

username finally

yourinstagram ILYYY

username my heart stopped

taglist - @louvrepool @italyrryx @buendiabebeta @janeholt3 @lightdragonrayne @namgification @aquangxl @sammyam @americanbluebirdrb @poppyflower-22 @c-losur3 @nxrrislando @haikyuen @evie-119

[narcissarina]

•Lost, Acceptance, and Love again•

Before reading, please take note that:

This is a work of fiction, events that have happened here are entirely fictional and it's all in the authors imagination.

You may or may not agree with what the characters say since it's only for the sake of the plot to continue the story.

May or may not contain spoilers from the actual Silent Hill 2 remake game.

The author would like to apologize for her shit ass writing because she's rusty as hell.

Words used: 17,965

This story contains, slow burn, single mother reader, grieving James, trauma and smut.

Please beware that this may be ass, but the author had to post and edit this at 4:08 in the morning in her country. (Save yourself pls)

The author hasn't finished the game, and may have flaws while she researches something on the internet rather than playing the game itself (waiting for her fav ytuber to upload)

Tumblr is being ass for the 10 picture limit that the author couldn't use her Lost, Acceptance, and Love again divider. So please bear with the ~~~~~ lmao.

Lost, Acceptance and Love again...

It was morning, the sunlight creeps in and the cheers of your kids blessed your ears—their little feet carried themselves and pushed the door of your room open, “mommy, mommy!” They said, helping one another to set foot in your bed and tackle you.

You smiled at their tactics, finally opening your eyes as you were greeted with the biggest smile you ever witness. The four of them steps on your bed, Veronica on your lap, Kenan clings to your arm and Junior messing your hair. Since they’re only two years old, they are loud and more energetic than you are.

“Alright, alright.” You sat up and tried to get Junior’s hand off of your hair, untangling his super grip and tried to find their other brother: Leo. Leo seems busy watching what the others are doing, “you four go play in the living room, mommy has to make her bed and make you devils some breakfast, okay?” You said, putting Veronica down the ground as Kenan and Junior followed, then Leo.

“Mommy, somwone move in next dwor.” Leo informed you, “and where did you heard that, baby Leo?” you asked, standing up to stretch your arms and legs—throwing question at Leo, “the other neighbwors, mommy.” Pouts Leo.

After making you bed, you told them to run along the living room while you make them breakfast but since you’re now informed that someone moved in next door, you thought about giving the new neighbor some warm welcoming like how you first moved in. Gifts and homemade foods is what greeted you on the first day, you wanted to welcome the new neighbor just the same.

Someone deserve to feel welcome, right?

Setting down your utensils, facing your kids, “you kids want to help me make something to give next door?” silence as the four little blonde kids looks at one another as they nod to agree to assist you.

“What do you kids want to give to our new neighbor?” You asked, rummaging through your kitchens top drawer snd the pantry closet, “cookies!” suggest Veronica, “muffins?” said Kenan in a timid, shy tone, “Can I eat wone?” asked Junior, his mind drooling about eating cookies and muffins.

You smiled at them with a nod, “cookies and muffin then.”

The four little blonde kids helped you knead the cookie dough, this also helps them find entertainment for cooking—one of the fun activities that they never knew they’d enjoy, after making a mess on the table, with the flour and chocolate chips spread through the table.

Letting them experience to clean and help you with basic house chores while waiting for the cookies and muffin to bake.

Sitting with the kids in the living room, they’re drawing on their papers, Leo is taking a nap on your lap while the others draw. “Ms. Lay fwom next door says that the new guy nexts dwor is a bit gwumpy looking, but I think he’s just sad.” What Junior said struck you, the new guy next door is… sad? Why is that your kids say that the man was sad?

You thought, maybe having a little chat with him and try to befriend him would make a difference. Maybe he’s lonely or could use a friend, it’s totally all right to rely on someone when they needed it most, right?

You asked yourself, losing yourself in thought as Kenan bit your knees to snap you out of it, “Ow—” you wince, almost kicking your knee up as Kenan backs away, “cookie and muffin owlready done mowm.” He pats and continues to draw with Veronica and Junior as you settle down Leo to nap on the couch.

Thinking back again as you took two trays out of the oven, you can’t help but wonder what must that guy be going through, why he moved alone next door. You sigh and took each one of the cookies and muffin out of the tray, calling your kids to let them decorate it to whatever they pleases.

Junior put a blue icing and put don’t be sad, have a muffin.

While Veronica draw hearts and flowers, Leo on the other hand just put a frown and smile together. Kenan just wants it to be a simple swirl.

They help pick a box to put in to give it to the man next door, a pink with white stripes box as you neatly put a ribbon around it, then taking a box out to give the man a few cookies to enjoy while the rest are for yours and the kids to enjoy.

You smiled at the masterpiece that your kids made, and of course, an A for your effort too.

“Let’s hope that he likes it.” You smiled at the four eating their own muffin, stuffing their face with icing.

Still wearing your apron on, kids were on your side. Veronica holding the muffin box with both of her hands, smiling from ear to ear as if she’s delighted to share the masterpiece that she and her brothers made, Kenan clings to your pants while Leo walks in front of you. You rang the door bell and looks down at Leo—who’s expression is uninterested to be here right now and holding the box filled with cookies.

It took a few minutes and two doorbells before the man opens the door, before you, you saw a tall dark blonde man with tired eyes in a slightly ajar door. Is he not sleeping well? It’s quite worrying to see him at such a state, but Veronica’s voice filled the silence with her usual loud and cheery voice, “HELLO!” she beams, startling the man, “me, my mowmi and my bwothers made these for chu!” She started walking towards him, taking his hand and giving the box to him.

Leo goes up next, didn’t say anything and shoves the box to the mans knee—making him kneel down to pick up the box, “Leo!” You called out with a slight frown, “I-I’m so sorry for my son, sir.” You flash him with a soft smile, “we were informed you had just moved in, we thought we might give you something to welcome you.” You added, Veronica is clapping with a giggle while Kenan on the other hand, is hiding from the man.

“No, no, it’s okay.” Grunts the dark blonde man, taking box filled with cookies in his hands and set it to the nearby table in his home, you told him your name while he told his, “I’m James…” he said, “James Sunderland.”

You nod, looking down at Junior that’s in front of you, “mister awre you high?” asked Junior, your eyes wide and knelt down quickly to cover Juniors mouth, “I am SO sorry.” You apologize for your kids behavior, earning a small chuckle from James, “just kidding, mommy.” Junior giggled at his own words, “Junior that’s not nice.” You tut and got to your feet again.

The kid walks towards James and pushed the door to open more, giving the man a hug to his knees, “don’t be sad, miwster.” Junior tries comforting the man, looking at James with his baby blue eyes, “just eat a mufwin.” He grins and quickly got back to you. James eyed your kids one by one, nodding at Juniors words, “I will, kid.” James smiled, his day a bit better because of your little devils.

You had a long and friendly conversation with James, the kids asking him questions and urging him to take a bite of what they made, asking him who’s muffin is better—giving James the pressure of answering the so called ‘winner’.

Finally got back inside, your kids bursting with energy and zoomies around the living room. They’re playing tag while you watch them play and turn on your television to watch something, turning channels to see if there’s something interesting to watch but since there’s none, you just read a book while Leo decided to take a nap on top of you while you read.

James smiled today, amused by the kids and made his day a little better. You smiled to yourself and look back at your children, they sure are a bundle of joy—bringing a smile to someone’s face with their unique personality and odd choice of words talking to a stranger… that now strangely turned into a friend.

You are thankful that you have them to bring joy to someone’s day… even if it’s just for today.

It’s now nighttime, you look to the window and see that James never set foot outside for once today, he might have something a lot to worry in his mind. The bags under his eyes… You’re worried, but not to worry! You have set a goal to yourself that you’ll break down James’ walls little by little until he shares his worries with you. That he’ll see that he’s not alone, that he’s free to share his burden with you.

You asked your kids to take a bath (you dried them one by one with a towel of course), brush their teeth and waste their energy to their last playtime for today and set off to bed.

Tucking Veronica first in her own separate room from the boys, she giggles as you kissed her forehead. Pulling the blanket up to her neck and setting Mr. Bunny to her side.

The boys are chatting and Junior being the clown to their group is making a joke to make them laugh, “okay, boys. Off to bed now.” You smiled, leaning against the doorframe then walking to their beds as they scatter to their own.

Tucking Kenan and Leo in their own, giving them a goodnight kiss on their forehead, setting their comfort animal stuff toys to their side. You also tucked in Junior last, he’s sitting on his bed, smoothing out his blanket with a smile then finally lying down.

“Mowmmy,” he called, “yes, baby?”

“I wayk James.” He stated with a giggle, “why is that?” you asked, interested that he had taken a liking to James, “he seems to be a nice guy.” You nodded, agreeing to him.

“He is.”

“But chi seems sad and lonely..” Juniors tone became hush and blue, he shoot you a pity look, “c-can we bwe chis fwend?”

His question stunned you a little, but seeing that James seems to be feeling blue and lonely, why not try right? You nodded and kisses Juniors forehead goodnight, “we’ll try, baby. Let’s invite him to every plans we have. Ease his mind a bit yeah?” you smiled at him.

Junior yawned and leans towards you touch, “I like that vewi much, mowmmy,” he yawns mid sentence, “I wuv you vewi much…”

Your heart swells with so much love, adding more fuel to your determination and make James be part of the family so he would never be alone. Not when they’re here with him.

“Mr. Sunderland?” knocking on his door then ringing his doorbell, calling him out while your kids were chatting among themselves, you waited for James to come out.

“Mr. Sun—” the door open, you almost hit James by the chest when you’re suppose to knock, “yeah?” he responded to your call, eyes still tired as ever then he pinch the bridge of his nose—finally looking down at your kids that’s dressed up. For what? A party or play?

His mouth open, but couldn’t pin point the words he wanted to say, “is—is everything all right?” he asked, looking down at Veronica who’s giggling at James, “yes, everything is fine. About yesterday, uhm…” taking a sharp breath, you gather your courage to invite him out, “you see, my kids had taking a liking to you and—”

“No, I dwon’t” pouts Leo.

You shush Leo and gave him the stare, “that’s not nice.” You quickly warned Leo, “bwut I like James.” Said Junior with a smile and Veronica steps up to James giving him a big hug to his knee, “wiw you pwease come with chas mister?” Veronica asked with a pleading tone, not letting go of James because well… she doesn’t take a no for an answer.

Waiting for his response, James kneels down to Veronica’s level and pats her head, “I can’t.” he said, trying to untangle her grip to his leg, “whys?” She asked with a pout, not letting go of James, “I uhm…” he cough and start looking around his house, “a bit busy.”

“wayer.”

He sigh and smiled, “I’m… not.” He pauses and took his gaze off Veronica’s pleading look, puppy eyes and all. “Pwease?” plead Veronica, stomping her little legs, “pwease, pwease, pwease.” She repeatedly plead, hugging James’ leg tightly.

Taking Veronica off of him and cradling her in your arms, you just faintly smiled at James’ polite refusal, “it’s okay, Mr. Sunderland,” you said, patting your daughters back as you two could hear her sob. You pamper her with kisses on her cheek to cheer her up, but she hugged you tightly around your neck and silently sob.

“We’ll just go,” taking Leo’s hand, taking Leo away because he’s giving James the glare. Junior waved his hand bye-bye and took Kenan with him.

Seeing the tears that the girl shed, it made him feel bad—a guilty feeling that he hates to feel because he refused a little girls request, “wait!” he yelled, stopping the five of you in your tracks, “w-wait… I’ll just get uh… ready.” He awkwardly stated and shut the door first, probably going to have a quick wash to his face.

You could hear him tripping inside his own home and almost loud banging in there, is he all right? You asked yourself, then turn to the crying Veronica, “look, baby. He’s now coming with us.” You coo her, bouncing her on your arms as Veronica smiled and nodded, wiping her tears with her little hands.

His door open and locked it, walking down to his porch steps and pocketing his keys. First time seeing him in the light as he walks over to you, he sigh—knowing that he accepted defeat when he witness Veronica cry.

“All right…” he sigh, “where to?”

“Up.. up..” Veronica lift her arms and tried to get to James to carry her, “all right.” Accepting her request, he cradle her in his arms then felt like the heavy stare faded from him, Leo was glaring at him but not anymore—now that he sees his sister content and happy being carried by James.

“Just the playground.”

Arriving at the park, the kids dashes off to either the swing or slides, you sit beside James on the bench and watch over them. “So.” You start, glancing over him while he’s leaning forward.

“any kids?” you question, he slowly shakes his head, “no.”

Awkward…

You start again while watching the kids from the distance, Veronica pushing Kenan on the swing while Leo helped Junior to slide down the slides, “any particular reason why you moved in to town?” you asked, there was an silence that gap between you. As if, James’ is reflecting on to his own thoughts.

“Well, it’s—… it’s not that it’s wrong to move in.” you almost eat and stutter your words, pursing your lips and looking down to your knees. He’s refusing to answer doesn’t he? Better not push it, maybe it’s quite personal to him.

You heard a tuning song from the distance, oh look. An ice cream truck! Better buy some to make him and the kids better.

Standing up from your seat and taking your purse, target locked to the truck from the street as James’ mutter in his breath, “just… to run away from something.” He said. You catch what he said and nodded, brows furrowing to what? Pity or worry?

“watch the kids for me, can you?” asking a small favor for him, he nods and lean back to his seat, taking a closer eye on four of your kids while you run along with your heels clicking and across the street buying ice cream.

James’ eyed on Veronica closely… There seems to be a stranger talking and coming closer to her, giving her what? Candy? His eyes squinted and stood up from his seat, walking closer to your daughter. He could hear what they’re saying, “oh you want more candy?” the stranger asked.

“ches, more pwease.” Veronica demanded, gesturing on her hand to give her more, “excuse me?” James’ voice cuts their little idle chat, making the stranger flinch and look at the man before him, he leans down to Veronica (who is licking her candy) tapping her shoulder and nod to the stranger before her, “you know this person, sweetheart?” James asked, she chin up to meet James’ gaze—she shakes her head to a no, not knowing who might this stranger be.

The unknown person stood up and backed away, “so.” James warned as he stood and took Veronica in his arms, cradling her. “It’s either you scram or I’ll take you out myself.” His voice might be calm and collected, but it hints a warning and threat.

The unknown person backs away and out the park that’s filled with children, James’ decided to warn the parents that’s present on the park—warning about the guy who is suspicious and could possibly kidnap the children out of sight.

James took the children to the bench and waited for your return.

When you came back, plastic bag on your wrist filled with cup ice creams and two big ice cones for you and James’—witnessing them look gloomy sitting on the bench while Veronica is happily chewing on her candy.

“I’m back, what happened?” you asked, walking in front ofhim and giving James his cone, then gave the four children their own small cupped ice creams, “someone tried to bribe your daughter with candies.” He looks at his own cone and took a big bite on top, “he looks suspicious so I warned the other parents that are present.” He added, looking worried as she snap your gaze to Veronica.

“Baby, what did I told you when strangers that looks sketchy offered you candy huh?” your voice firm but with worry.

“Bwut mowmmy, I intwend to take a few then rwun away. It’s buswiness.” Proud and smug as Veronica gesture a ‘pay me’ gesture, letting out a scoff and put your free hand to your face as you gaze back to James’ “thank you so much, James. I don’t know what could’ve happened to her without you watching.” You let out a huge sigh and looks down at Veronica, “you do understand that I’ll give a good scolding for later, right Nica?”

Veronica pouted but made no objections but instead, nodded—she knee that she made you worried and got in a little bit of struggle, since she didn’t want to left out her three brothers by not having a candy, she took the risk in mind.

You couldn’t believe that one of your kids already made some trouble for James, you sat down with them and you glance at James’ ice cream cone… It’s already gone? Huh?

Eyes wide that James already ate his at a split second, he looks at you with those same tired green eyes, “what?” he asked, “n.. no-no no, it’s nothing.” Licking your own cone and minding your own business, eating ice cream a little too quiet.

“you might want to have your daughter check, you know… incase that the candy was drugged.” Almost choking on your own cone, coughing and hitting your chest—your face went pale as the thought of the possibility that the candy might be drugged is your worst nightmare.

Your turn your head to Veronica and asked her, “baby, do you feel weird or sleepy?” Veronica shook her head, still eating her ice cream cup, “we’ll go to the hospital first before we go to you and your brothers favorite diner, all right?” you let out a small chuckle and took the kids empty ice cream cup to the trash.

You nod your head to James’ with a smile, “Lets go.”

“I’m still invited?” he asked, getting up to his feet.

“Of course, plus. I think you’d do that for the kids right?” you said with a grin, Veronica with pleading eyes as she now demands to be picked up.

“to the hospital?”

“to the hospital.” You nod.

“Well, the test result came quick and good news.” Says the doctor as he smiled and pats Veronicas head, “there are no drugs from your daughters system, miss.” The doctor added and gave Veronica candy—which Veronica is reluctant to take, asking you for silent permission using her eyes.

You smiled and kisses her head, “you can take the doctors candy, sweetie.” The doctor let out a chuckle at the cuteness and cautious Veronica, “it’s all right, you can trust me.” Said the doctor with a proud tone, “you know, I have a daughter that has the same name as you.” He winks playfully and left the room.

“Do you hear that baby? It means your name is special.” You coo as she devours the candy, Leo is sleepy on the other hand and had been itching to go home, “so I suppose we’re going to a diner next?” James asked, raising a brow—seeing that Leo is nodding off, he picked Leo up to his arms and cradle him, letting him nap to his shoulder.

Nodding to his words, finally leaving the hospital as the sun is almost setting and entering the diner. Taking your seats as Leo is still gripping on to James’ shoulder, not wanting to let go and disturb his nap.

“What would you like to have?” you asked, flipping over to the menu’s.

“Anything that you’re going to order.” Answered James as he tried to gently tug off Leo and reposition him to a comfortable position to nap.

You nod to his words and after a while, finally calling a waiter to order. Well, you ordered a few stuff that what you think he might like and your kid’s favorite, “you can wake him up when the food is here.” You told James, smiling from ear to ear from the sight and knowing Leo? He gets grumpy and loud when he gets his nap disturbed, you might want to consider working on your kid with that one.

“he gets better when the food is here.” You added with a smile to James, Veronica patting on his shoulder and leans in, trying to engage a friendly conversation with him with her own curiosity to James.

Time passed and when the food arrived, James almost got his hand chewed by Leo for waking him up, but since the food arrived—the boys demeanor changed and turned slightly happy that he gets to eat his dinner now. The dark blonde man was thankful that he didn’t woke the little man up before the food arrive or else he’ll get teeth marks on his hands.

Exchanging friendly chat and opinion on several things with him is fun, having a few deep talks with James is something you never expected.

“do you think that when a person die, they’ll wake up again in their next life?”

“What do you think ones purpose in life when they were brought to this world?”

You threw various question to James and he didn’t refuse to share his own thought and feelings, even some cultural reference, happy to say that… James is the man you never thought would be your friend that you could talk things like this about.

The kids were so confused and worried about each and every answer and question, Veronica throwing you a look to stop asking James about something like Life and Death.

Well, there are a few things James learned; one is that your family is fun to hang around, two is that his burdens were shared even for a little bit and that he feels safe and secure to be having those kind of conversation with you. And three, the kids made him smile as if he couldn’t remember the last time he was this happy…

It had soon became dark, the kids knew they had to go home now and that they’ll be separated from James for today… But knowing a kid, they get attached a little too quickly when they had taken a liking to someone, James just happened to be a lovable man to them. He makes them feel safe and laugh, even though he, himself is a little miserable in life.

He just lost someone…

He’s afraid…

To what?

To get attached and lose that person again…

“Mary…” he mutter.

“Did you say something?” you asked, snapping him back to reality and see that he’s already back home, well—at your home to be precise, he probably daydream along the way and never noticed that he accepted your invite to stay inside your home for a while.

You saw that he’s at it again, after drying the dishes with clean cloth, you sat down beside him on the couch—your hand on his shoulder as you lean to see his face, “hey…” you called, tilting your head to the side, “you don’t look fine, mind sharing what’s on your mind?” you asked, soothing his back in case he needed it.

Hearing a sigh from him, he leans back (which you quickly took your hand off because it’ll get squish by his back), “i-it,’s nothing… just…” he paused, “just.. thinking about my wife.” He murmur, brows furrow and his feeling sink into longing and regret.

Your eyes wide at the news of hearing that he has a wife, “oh, really?” you gasp, not reading him quite well, “you have a wife? Where is she then? I would love to make friends with her.” You chuckle but stop, the look on his face is what would you see in a grieving person.

You stop and scoots to him closer, patting his hand, “what.. what happened to her?” you asked, seeing a nice guy that’s depress like James hurts you… You hate the look on his face when he had done so much for you and you, well, couldn’t do much for him.

Just company and talks.

James already thinks that just hearing you laugh, talk, or even coo your children and bring him company is already enough for him.

“Mary?” he uttered his wife’s name to you, “is Mary her name?” you smiled, “you know, people who tends to have a name Mary is usually the most nicest and beautiful people you’d ever met.” You told him, maybe it’ll cheer him better and… it did.

He lets out a soft chuckle and nodded, agreeing with you, “yeah… Mary is kind, beautiful and the most sweetest woman I have ever met…” he opens up, you listen intently—not wanting to break this moment for him, “she likes to play the piano, though she claims that she’s not very good at it. I’ve always love to hear her play again.”

You smiled at his words and nodded, “well, where is she now?” you asked, his smile slowly fading—regret and longing kicking in, “Mary’s dead.” He said.

As if your breath had caught to your throat, words won’t come out as your heart drops from the news—sharing the same mournful feeling with him and soothing him by his shoulder, “do you know the cause of her death?” you asked.

James sigh and rest his elbows to his knees, covering and wiping his face with both of his hands, “she was sick, the doctors told us that she only has three years maximum to live, it became a problem to both of us… She would’ve still love to visit our special place.” You smiled at the mention of them having a special place, “but then, the disease she made her almost unrecognizable, sever mood swings where she would attack you.” His breath hitches, recalling the painful memories he had with her.

You wanted to ask if the illness she had was curable, but I guess James already read your mind, “no, they couldn’t find a cure for it.” He said, his tone low and mournful. “so, she died from a disease..?” You asked, resting your elbows to your knees like his, “and where is this special place she loved?”

“Silent Hill.”

You nod, smiling, also recalling some childhood memories from that place—but now is not the time being about you, isn’t it?

“So, Mary had three years maximum to live, meaning that she died three years ago?” you summarized in question on what he had told you so far, “am I right?” searching for reassurance.

But instead, he shakes his head and bow low, “no…” he murmur, “what do you mean?” you asked, brows slightly frowning, heart beating rapidly and almost holding your breath back.

“I killed her.”

As if your ears had gone deaf, ringing and your mind swirl with a lot of questions. Snapping out of it, you just let out a nervous chuckle, “you’re joking… right?” breath hitches, heart pounding rapidly as he didn’t react, he turn his head away and didn’t fill the silence.

Quickly getting up to your feet, finding something to do to busy yourself and distract your mind—it’s impossible, right? How could someone as kind like James kill someone? He spoke about Mary full of love and sincerity yet… he killed her.

Why..?

“I uhm…” you start, James stood and called your name, calm and gentle yet—those are the same lips that loved Mary and what killed her, “… could you please..” James hums, walking up to you, your back facing him as he tried to reach for your hand.

Flinching to his touch, you turn and cover then wipe your face with your whole palm. You couldn’t even look at him in the eye, “y.. you should go,” you remark, his lips parts but no words fell from it, “I’ll talk to you tomorrow…” you added, “I just… uhm… need some time.” James, of course, understood. If someone he wanted to be closed to told him that they had killed someone that the person really loves, he’d react the same too.

He'd doubt, isolate himself or even just cut ties with them.

Probably.

If he has the heart to.

Why now? He would asked himself, why now did he have to open up so soon? He just ruined another relationship that he thought he finally could keep. He just need time, just another time and chance to explain himself. But he couldn’t redeem himself to the crime he had done with the same hands that held your kids…

His hand stop reaching out to you, seeing how terrified you were with the information he just laid out to you, it’s terrifying and he knows that… He just… didn’t want Mary to suffer, if he could just say those words, will you understand why he had taken the life of his late-wife?

No. No you won’t, you won’t forgive him nor would he forgive himself, his mouth were open but no words were uttered out, “James…” he snaps back to reality, out of his mind yet again, “please, you and I need uhm… some rest.” You voice out, whispering as the kids were already fast asleep.

He nodded, understanding that it’s already night and… You need sleep and to avoid him for this night, “all right, I understand…” he mutter, slowly backing away and turn to face the door, he called out to you before walking out, “… good night.”

You hum in respond, “yeah… Goodnight too, James.”

Toss and turning in bed after an hour has passed, his words keeps haunting your mind, you could only ask yourself why? Why did he do it? Is it because Mary is too ill and that her illness isn’t curable, does that mean he just didn’t want her to suffer and ended her life with his own hands?

How could he? You thought, can’t sleep properly. James is a nice person, calm and collected when around your kids, even protected them from possible kidnap of Veronica, warned other parents about that suspicious person.

It's just, maybe, hard go believe. He couldn’t possibly, right? You don’t want go believe it, he’s starting to grow in you—letting your heart open ajar for him, just one more push and you’re attached.

Maybe he just said it to push you away? He said horrible things to himself just to distance people away from him, you can’t just ignore his existence and continue with your daily life when your own kids got attached to him.

You’ll go talk to him tomorrow, just need some good night sleep.

But how? When James himself is convinced that he’s a monster.

This all stresses you out, your mind is already tired of thinking and before you knew it, your eyes were closed as slowly your consciousness had taken a deep slumber, while your heartaches for James, a single tear shed from one corner of your eye.

You woke up a little too early, drinking coffee and reading a book on the kitchen table. Surprised that Leo was the first one to wake up, “mowmmy?” he called, putting your mug down and picked him up to your arms, “yes, baby?”

“Whwere’s James?” he asked, yawning and nuzzling his head to the crook of your neck, you hum him in your embrace, trying to put him back to sleep. Leo is smart from his siblings, he understands things that should’ve been terrifying to kids, you wanted to ask him about something, “Leo?”

Leo hums, pulling himself together and rubs his eyes with the back of his palm, “I want to ask you something baby.” You coo, “what would you do if someone you love is suffering in an incurable illness, what would you do?”

It takes time for the question to fully register in Leo’s mind, he blinks at you with his sleepy lidded eyes and huffs out his answer, “I uhm..” he almost mumble, “If its incwurable, I would wike them to stwop suffewing.” He hums, still sleepy yet he could answer your question.

“bwecause, i-if.. mhm.. if they cwontinue to swuffer, it’ll ownly pain them but fwor as long as thwey are stwill alive, I would want to cweate lots of memories with thwem.” He added, you nod. You know this to yourself that you shouldn’t be asking the child such dark question, but you did it anyway.

“But, baby, what if the person was the one who ended that persons suffering, what then?”

He squints at you hard, judging you badly.

Silence filled in as Leo was now fully awake and aware, “did swomeone killed swomeone mwommy?” he asked, rubbing his eyes, shaking your head as an answer with a smile, “just curious what would your answer be, Leo.”

He tilts his head, “lawfuwwy, it’s illegal and cwould be set in jail to swerve sentence fwor attempt murder.” He huffs, kicking his legs to be put down and sit on your lap, you sat back down to your chair and made him sit on your lap. He continues, “bwut, if—IF,” he almost yelled, “itw’s not like I’m dwefending a mwurderer or something.” He coughs and clasp his tiny hands together, “if thwat person feels guilty abwout it, and that thwey wish they dwidn’t done it and wanted to gwow back that thwey didn’t kwilled them. Thwen it means thwat thwey still have a gwood heart, bwecause they regwet.” He finishes and yawns, “mwurders are sometwine put to trial and serve swentence to jail, why is that mwommy?” he asked you.

You thought about it, “because they believe in being sober and second chances, and that they give them months or years in prison to reflect.” Leo nodded at your words in agreement, “exwactly. Now, if ywou will excuse me, I’m still eepy.” He huffs, stomping down to his feet hitting the ground, he looks back at you, “and mwommy, I bwelieve in secwond chances. Maybwe that pwerson thinks its fwor the best or that the pwerson with the illness mwakes it their wish.”

After that, he storms off back to his room, taking another nap with his brothers, it’s still eight in the morning, probably eight and thirty-five, what Leo just said left you speechless and in awe. He really is smart and gifted.

Making up your mind, Leo is right. Maybe… Maybe Mary really had requested it to James to kill herself. Give her life up because she doesn’t want to suffer anymore? Who knows, you’re not there when they’re story happened. You will have a talk with James’ later…

Oops, you need to prepare breakfast first, or else the house will be loud with complaining children about breakfast and having zoomies.

10:30AM.

Kids awake, Veronica somehow knew James’ phone number and invited him over without your knowledge, you only knew that when James told you, “huh? Veronica said you invited me over to come eat breakfast with you guys.”

Spacing out on the table, mind is full of thoughts and question while Veronica is standing on James’ chair while he sits, being also fed by the little girl when James could feed himself, but since knowing Veronica for being a little overdramatic. James couldn’t help but to play along to Veronica’s antics.

James would steal a glance at you every minute while letting Veronica yap and Kenan asking him question about stuff that curious the little boy, though you still refuse to speak the things that are on your mind yesterday—about what he had told you, maybe… just maybe…

Cradling Leo into your arms, looking at him taking a nap on your embrace—thinking about what he had told you earlier when he got his sleep disturb, is it by the lights or perhaps he had nightmares that he never told you about?

You were in the park with James, watching the kids play while Leo takes a nap in your embrace. Silence was deafening between the two of you, for James—it’s like you were out of reach to talk to because of yesterday’s conversation. He thought about explaining, but what is to explain when in the end, he still took an innocent life?

“You know, I have thought about it…” you start, filling the silence and giving James hope to finally talk to you again, “yeah?” he respond, taking his eyes off from the kids playing and searching something in your eyes, “w... Why did you killed Mary?” you asked, covering Leo’s ear incase he’ll hear.

James just shook his head, opening his mouth then closing it again, finding the right words to say, “I… I just didn’t want her to suffer.” He sighs, covering his face with both of his hands, “I-I know she still has three years to live and yet, I.. I killed her, I…” he starts to stutter and slur his words, his heart racing and his ears ringing—getting a bit dizzy when he speaks his situation, it’s too much for him.

Why? Is all he could ask himself.

Why did he do it?

Someone’s calling out to him… “h… ey…” it said, his breathing became shallow and making it hard to him to breathe.

“James!” you yelled, hand grasping his shoulder while the other is still cradling Leo asleep, you frown in worry— how his face went pale and starts sweating cold sweats, “are you okay?” You asked, voice shaking because it looks like he’s going to collapse any time soon.

He shakes his head and finally snaps out of it, “I-I’m fine.” He assures, blinking a few times as he leans back to the bench, “memories are probably getting to me… Even that place.” He murmur, leaning his head back and letting out a big sigh.

“Silent hill?” you curiously raised a brow, Leo steer awake and sat up to your lap, “mwommy…” Leo whines, hands clenched to your shoulder while he used the other to rub his eye, blinking at James, “Jwames?” he murmur, “yeah buddy?” James smiled, unexpectedly—Leo lift his arms to James, silently asking for James to pick him up to his grasp.

Silence filled in yet again, you two just sit on the bench while Kenan, Junior and Veronica still plays on the slides and swings. Leo eyed on the two of you, as if trying to crack an unsolved case, “awre you in love with my mwommy, James?” Leo squint his eyes to him, brows frowning at James—the man could also let out a small chuckle, “I like your mom as my friend, bud. Why do you ask?” he says, Leo shook his head that says ‘nothing!’

Leo could only play with James calloused hands, tracing his small finger tips to James’ fingers, your conversation with James was just interrupted by your son—but it doesn’t matter. You already heard James’ reason for killing Mary, but it still isn’t justified why he took her life…

But now that you think about it…

Three years to live with the disease that really made a huge impact in your life… Slashing out to your cherished ones without a reason, no complete control of your temper and mood, almost completely losing your mind because of the sudden change of your mood swings… Then drugs are fed to you just to have a complete grasp of your actual self.

Wouldn’t you wish to just die too?

Letting out a sigh as you finally come to a conclusion in mind, “James… was Mary been fed some type of drugs just to have… you know, to have a complete control of herself?” you asked, it takes a few minutes before he answer, nodding faintly, “yeah.. yeah, probably…” he hums, Leo is tracing the indent or trace of a ring to James’ ring finger.

Leo lifts James hand up and asked him, “you has ring?” the boy asked, “is Jwames has wife?” he added, James nodded to his question and Leo shot you a look, “mwommy, James has wife which mweans you cwan’t shoot youwr shot.” Said Leo, making you gasp and speechless at what your son just said, you? Hit on James? As if, right?

“but,” start James, looking down at Leo’s baby blues, “bit, my wife is gone… to a happy place, you know?” he pats his head and smiles, “oooh…” Leo’s lips form in a shape of an O then said, “she’s died.” With a straight innocent face and nodded with understanding.

James doesn’t know whether he would laugh at him or just be concern how Leo knew that, you almost snicker but cough and cleared your throat—neither of you spoke such things with Leo again.

The kids finally got tired and asked to go home.

What a day, right?

Walking back home with James helping you with the kids, again. In his arms are holding two of your kids that took a nap on each of his shoulders; Veronica and Kenan got very tired, Junior on the other hand, had some energy left to just walk home by foot.

Since they’ve already eaten dinner (went out to eat dinner), James helped you change your kids into their pajamas and put them to sleep in their rooms, leaving Junior last because he isn’t sleepy for now, “Junior, you’ve already change into your jammies,” you raise your brows at him, “c’mon now, let’s get you tucked in bed.” Gesturing your hand to him to come to you.

Junior waved his hand to James then off to bed, “bye-bye James.” Junior murmur, you could tell he still likes to have a dew more minutes with the man but he needs his sleep, tucking him in bed and kissing his forehead goodnight.

Which leaves you and James alone in your own home, silence and gap between you as you reluctantly sat down beside James, and knowing you’re still bothered. He created some distance between the two of you, you glanced at him, he’s still as miserable as ever but he’s trying to have a positive look—especially when the kids were around.

You let out a sigh, leaning your back to the soft cushion of your couch, “d-.. do you think Mary would forgive you?” you asked, finally looking over him at the other end of your couch, large distance he made to make you comfortable, it takes him a few courage to look and meet your gaze, “I.. I don’t know… But the most thing she’ll ask is… why did I killed her.” He murmur.

You just nod and let silence sit between you, heart heavy and the atmosphere gloomy.

“But she did want the pain to end soon right?” you asked, slowly scooting over to him, “James, knowing you these past few days—” you cut yourself off, bluffing your words, “I mean, three entire days to be exact. It feels like I’ve known a friend for a long time, you became a familiar feeling so… I wanted to say that…” you took a sharp breath and takes his hand to yours.

“You have many things left unsaid, don’t you?” caressing his hand and tracing the indent mark of his ring finger, “doesn’t it feel heavy, to just bottle it all up?” You asked, your tone soft and understanding—just like Mary he thought. But he couldn’t compare you to her, you’re you. And Mary is herself. Yet he finds solace to your comforting words and tone, your presence too.

He misses this feeling, how his heart pounds out as he lets out his cries—you see tears finally running down to his cheeks. You let out a soft sigh and soothes his back, letting him weep and cry his heart out, “there are still some things you want to say to Mary, right?” you asked, “ask her… If she could forgive you for what you’ve done, and that she may understand why you had done it.” You hum.

But it still doesn’t change the fact she’s gone…

A minute passed and he finally calmed down, his breath hitches as he just stared off to your floor, “tea?” you offered a mug to him which he happily takes it and sips, “how about we visit Mary tomorrow?” you suggested, sipping on your tea while staring blankly at the wall too.

He thought about it, maybe it’s time to finally say the things he left unsaid… His regrets, his happiest time with her and the life that they had, though in just a blink of an eye, it was all gone… She’s gone.

James nod at your suggestion, caressing the mug that he’s holding, “yeah… I think I would love that…” a small smile tug from the corner of his lips, you smiled back but you don’t know whether to judge his character or not… But it’s up to Mary to decide that.

“Great, I’ll call my friends and father to come babysit my kids tomorrow morning,” she hums, “well, since it’s scheduled that my father will take them anyway for some bonding time for a whole week.” She chuckles, taking the mug from your hands to wash it on the sink.

He stood up and nod to your words, “well, I better get going then.” He voice out, although a bit trouble to turn his back and leave, “goodnight.” He said, you nod and said your goodnight to him too, but something caught his eye. Something was covered with a white floral fabric, it looks like a piano of some sort?

His brows furrow with curiosity, looking back at you washing the remaining dishes and back at the covered piano, “h-hey..” he called, “what’s this?” he points, you turn to look at him but what he’s pointing at is being covered by the wall, “wait,” you dry your hands with a clean cloth and walk towards him.

You turn to see what he’s pointing at… Your piano, “oh.. I-it’s uhm.. a piano,” you nervously chuckle, “why’d you cover it?” James took the white floral fabric off and revealing a black upright piano that goes against the wall, you thin your lips because you covered the piano because of Mary.

“You play?” James asked, lifting the cover to reveal the keys, “you still haven’t answer my first question though.” He added and sat on the piano stool, just to feel the keys. You sigh and just tell him why you covered your piano up, “yes I play and I covered it because well… It reminds you of Mary, you said that Mary plays right?” you smiled and pressed one key down, hoping that your kids wouldn’t hear it.

“I just.. don’t want you to remember a painful memory when you’re with us…” you admitted, looking down at the keys, “I play for my kids whenever they want to hear me play, then sometimes they will play the piano badly to the point where your ears would bleed.” You chuckle, sharing one precious memory with him, opening up just like how he did to you.

He smiled and let out a small laugh with you, “well uhm… Play one for me then?” he requested, you raise a brow and nodded, “uhm, yeah sure…” preparing your fingers up to the keys and asked him, “what song?”

“something that resonate with you most.”

You nodded and fulfill his request, it was slow and melodic… It suddenly became fast and your fingers easily pressed the right keys swiftly, quick and smoothly taking one finger off to pressed another key…

You played river flows in you by Yiruma.

It’s something about that song that hits home, how it describes ones person love, representing how love grows on two different people with two different worlds and yet… Love always make things hurt or work, it’s a representation of feeling in love… But for you, the song also makes you cry and how you dedicate this song to the person you also lost.

James stayed silent to the whole song until it ended, “wow” he whispered, shaking his head in disbelief. You’re not Mary, and never will. You played it like a pro and James now knew the difference and accepted that, he wanted to clap but was outdone by someone else.

“wow mwommy!” claps Veronica, beaming despite being sleepy, you snap your head to look at the kids being awake, how long were they standing there to watch you play?

You suddenly stood up and looks down at them, “how long were you guys watching huh?” you asked with a sweet soft smile, kneeling to their level to give them an individual kiss on their cheeks, “mwommy, play us again pwease…” plead Kenan while sitting on the floor with his stuffed plush on his arms, Leo had his arms fold… here we go again.

Raising a brow at Leo while James pulled down the cover of the piano keys, still sitting on the piano stool, “mwommy are you confwessing ywour wove to Jwames or somethwing?” Leo asked with suspicion, you snicker at his words and shake your head, “James asked me to play a song that resonate with me most, baby. Why do you asked?”

“bwecause mwommy, wivers fwows in you repwesent the feeling of bweing in wove.” He smartly answers and tuts at you, “so, it’s nwormal fwor me to assume thwat you’re confwessing mwommy.” He added, you just gently flick his forehead for his smartass answer and picked him up.

Junior comes and hugs your legs, gripping tightly with his sleepy eyes looking up at you, what Junior asked shocked you most.

“is Jwames now our daddy?”

“…”

Silence…

Junior blinks at you with his sleepy eyes, yawning and waiting for your answers—he just doesn’t know what he said wrong, always jumping to conclusions when given the opportunity, you open your mouth to answer but no words were uttered out but Junior speaks again, “bwecause mwommy, I vewy like Jwames…” he yawns, admitting his likeness to James.

James on the other hand, is smiling from the piano stool. It feels like, he’s wanted—belonged even, his heart swells when an innocent kid thinks high regard of him, even though in his mind. He’s just a normal guy doing nothing special, “well, hate to break it to you buddy,” said James, getting to his feet and meeting his level, “I-.. I’m not.” He thin his lips as he breaks it to Junior, shaking his head—meeting the kids innocent gaze.

“…oh.” Juniors late reaction, he’s still sleepy but you can tell he’s a bit upset about it, clasping your hands together and breaking the news to everybody that it’s bed time and a little late and that everyone needs sleep for tonight.

Taking the kids back to bed again, Junior frowning when he finally sleeps. It took a little while for Leo to comfort his brother that got really attached to James, you couldn’t blame him. James may see himself nothing special, but to the kids—he is special. To them, and to you (as a friend)

Tomorrow, your father would take the kids for a whole week to bond and some alone time for yourself, and tomorrow… You’ll accompany James to Mary’s grave… Help him say his goodbye and support him along his healing journey along the way, it’s time to say goodbye and start anew right?

James bid goodbye for the last time to get himself some sleep and prepare himself for tomorrow, recite what he wants to say probably? Recall the memories he want to share and his burdens and regret. But what about the letter..?

What letter..?

Woke up early, needing to pack the clothes of your kids, make them breakfast, give them shower and let them choose what kind of stuff plush they’d bring with them. They were excited and Junior probably forgot yesterday’s conversation, he thinks it’s just a silly little dream… But he did share his thoughts with you when he woke up feeling good.

“Jwames became our daddy!” he said that when he woke up first thing in the morning, the kids loved that guy to the point that one by one—they’ll think James is now their daddy.

After packing a one suitcase since the kids also have clothes at your fathers place (gifted and bought by friends too), so you and your kids waited a few minutes outside to be picked up by car by one of your closed friends, when they arrived—they chill for a few minutes, engaged conversation with you and catch up for the times that you had missed with them.

Then they left to with your kids, they’ll be arriving at your fathers place to take care of them and of course, your friends too. And now… You’re alone.

Not entirely… You have James, and today is the day you’ll be accompanying him, getting ready and had your breakfast. You need at least to look good and give Mary a good impression to meet her, befriend even the dead, right?

You heard a knock on your door, you put on your beret hat and smooth out your dress. Heels clicking that even James could hear from outside, the door open and revealed James before you, “hi.” You smiled, “good morning, how’re you?” you asked, taking your purse with you as you step outside.

He tilts his head, eyes squint a little as he points slowly at your attire, “what… uhm… are you wearing?” he asked slowly, not wanting to sound offensive, you huff and put your hand on your hip, “well, if I’m meeting your late-wife, I at least need to look presentable so that she’ll like me as your friend.” He just nodded and whispered, “okay.”

Stepping down to your porch step, turning back and look at him, “what? Come on now, let’s move.” You tut, he shakes his head with a small smile—walking down towards you, guiding you to his car as you sat down on the passenger seat of his car.

“It’ll be a long ride though.” He advised you, buckling his belt as you did yours, pulling out your mirror to tidy your hair, “yeah, that’s fine.” You assure, he looks over to you—finally starting the car and drove off, “yeah? What about your kids?” he asked out of concern, looking at the road and back at the rearview mirror.

You hum, repositioning yourself in your seat—still looking at yourself in the mirror not until you heard some paper crunch or something, “oh, shit. I think I just sat on to something.” You curse softly, completely caught off guard when you heard.

“Yeah, you don’t have to worry about the kids, my friend picked them up.” You assured, looking down at your seat and finding the paper that you just sat on, “my father and possibly some friends will help to take care of them.” You added, “ah—ha!” you finally caught the paper you sat on under your seat, “you have a letter, James. Don’t you want to read it?”

He's assured that your kids are safe and sound with your father and friends that’ll love them and take care of them with all of their hearts, “a letter?” he asked, taking a quick glance of it on your hands, “oh…” his face turned gloomy again, the same first look you saw from him when you two first met.

“Are you all right?”

“Nothing… I still haven’t read that letter.” He stop at the red light, a light traffic jam, “oh, you want to read it now?” you asked, “and who is it from?” it piqued your interest, but you wouldn’t open to snoop around and find out, right? James finally drove the car again, letting out a small sigh.

“Mary.”

“sorry what?” you asked yet again, busy inspecting the envelope of the letter, “it’s from Mary.” He repeated, steering the wheel to the right, as he continue, “the nurse gave it to me when… Mary passed.” He cleared his throat, clearly a sign that he doesn’t want to talk about it—you just nod and caress the letter on your fingertips.

A few minutes in the ride, atmosphere a little heavy as silence carried on. You could only watch from the car window—tress, houses nor clouds pass, James could only steal a glance at you from time to time until he finally spoke about the letter, “could you… uhm…” he cough.

You almost nod off, but quickly gathered yourself together, “yeah?” you sleepily respond, yawning a bit and rubbing your temple, “what’s up?”

“could you read the letter for me, so.. you know, I know what Mary wrote before I face her.” He hums, turning left and straight ahead of the road, you nod at his request and open the glove compartment and took the letter to your hands. Letting out a sharp breath because opening a letter that meant to him made you nervous.

Slowly opening the envelope and taking out the folded paper inside—unfold it and cleared your throat as you began to read what Mary had wrote to James, “are you ready?” you asked, you could hear his breath shake as he nod, “ready.”

You finally start from the very beginning…

“Well, this letter has gone on too long, so I’ll say goodbye. I told the nurse to give this to you after I’m gone.”

You stopped for a moment and looked over to James, his knuckles almost turning white from gripping the steering wheel too hard, his eyes quickly glanced at you and assured you silently that he’s fine.

“Which means that, as you’re reading this, I’m already dead.”

Your lips thinned, brows furrow as your heart aches from Mary’s letter, and as if James’ ears had gone deaf and that it’s Mary’s voice is all he could hear.

“But that’s okay. I’m not afraid of it anymore, I just hope that the pain will end soon so that you remember me for who I was…”

Pause…

“and not what the disease made me… I want you to go on, I want you to live… For yourself and for the others, like you did for me.”

Your voiced cracked and held back a tear to shed, you look at James in silence before continuing on—his eyes were full of tears, silently sobbing and trying to focus on the road.

“You’ve given me so much and I haven’t been able to return a single thing. That’s why I want you to live for yourself now. Do what’s best for you James.”

Can’t help but share his burden as tears fell from the corner of your eyes, burning your cheeks as you read the last line.

But you also called his name…

“James… You made me happy.” It said when the letter ended, but even when the letter ended, you also called out to James who seems to park to stop for a while—you reached out and soothe him to his shoulder, his breathing hitches as he inhale sharply.

Scooting a bit close so you could lean close to him, “it’s okay, we can stop for now…” you mutter, stopping your own tears from falling, cooing him and soothing him down as he waves his hand to dismiss it, “n-no.. no…” he cleared his throat, leaning his head back to his seat, “we’re already here…”

You stayed with the car, getting some fresh air after reading Mary’s letter to James, you’ve witness it—how deeply hurt he is and how he regretted everything… But it seems to you that in the letter, no matter what—Mary would always forgive and wait for James.

He walked towards Mary’s grave, he didn’t brought anything with him except some flowers to give her. He knelt in her tombstone and wipe a dust off of it as you watch him from your distance. Since it’s for the best that James do his thing first before introducing yourself as his friend to her.

“Hey..” James called as he knelt down, he looks down at Mary’s craved name on the tombstone as he look for the right words to say, “Mary… I’m here, sorry to keep you waiting.” He smiles as he continues, placing a single flower on her stone.

He searches for something, but she’s not here with him—she couldn’t look at him and meet his gaze, she’s dead. He knew that but his eyes still searched and longed for her presence, how he could tell her that he loved her for the last time, share one… just one more moment with her.

But he never knew that the last moment he would share with his deceased lover would be her tombstone staring right back at him with her named craved on it.

“you know…” he starts, “I was convinced that… I..” he takes a deep breath and continue, “I just… can’t go on without you…” he huffs, touching the stone in front of him in his thumb, “I couldn’t forgive myself for what I’ve done… And… I miss you so, so much.” He sob, sharply inhaling and gathering his thoughts and putting it into words.

As if his mind was playing with him, he could hear her reply to him—engaging a conversation with him for the last time, maybe he’s in denial but it’ll be their last…

“shh, it’s okay, James…” the spirit smiles as he let out a chuckle, he thinks he’s out of his mind but he continues, “I don’t know if you’ll ever forgive me for what I did… I should’ve made more memories with you, Mary…”

“yet you’ve already given me so much.”

He smiles faintly, tears burning his face as he sniffle, “I’m so, so sorry… I know this isn’t what you’d want.” He scoff to himself, “seeing me like this, but it doesn’t matter anymore… right?” he asked the wind.

Chinning up to the sky as the clouds covered the blue sky, “you’re not here… are you?”

No answer… Maybe his mind is playing tricks with him, maybe he’s just mad and crazy or maybe too depressed than he thought, he looks down at her tombstone again, “you don’t have to keep waiting for me, Mary… Just as you wish, I will try to go on and live…” he murmur, taking out a photograph of Mary and setting it down with the flower.

“for myself.. and maybe for the others too,” he smiled at the smiling photo of her, “I found another home… that made me happy, like how I did for you too..”

He stayed silent for a little while, turning his head around to quickly glance at you, “Mary.” He called, closing his eyes and as if to feel the wind hugging him.

“thank you.”

From the distance, it feels like James is giving his all—doing his best to word it all his burdens out and the problems off of his shoulder, you could only wait for him to call you to introduce you to her.

He’s having the time of his life chatting with her, you could really see that… he really did love her. Oh, how you wished to find a man that would also love you like how James loved Mary…

You’re alone with your own thoughts as you watch the clouds move pass and cover the blue sky, you seem to be nodding off when James came over to you—his hand grasp on your shoulder and snap you back from reality, “woah!” You let out a yelp, got startled a little as you look over and saw James in front of you.

“yeah? Already good?” you asked, brows furrowing with worry but you could tell that his heart feels a little lighter than it is in the past few days. He nod, taking your hands to his as he gently tug you away from his car, “c’mon…” his voice soft when he whispers, urging you to walk with him to her grave.

You knelt down after James did and met with Mary’s photograph with the flowers on top, your heart swells with so much pleasure and honor to finally meet her—even if it’s just her tombstone…

You introduced yourself with four kids that are quadruplets and shared a story that your little devils had taken a liking to James, even joking about how one of them even asked if James is now their daddy. He chuckles at your story and how enthusiastic you are to share this with Mary, he also share some memories with you when he’s still with Mary and that the two met by a mutual friend. He shares the piece of memory that Mary plays the piano and how bad she is.

But even so, James’ told Mary that, “I would still love to hear her play.” With the sweetest smile that you’ve ever seen, it took almost hours just to tell and share a story nor a memory with a friend, you and James bid a final farewell as James asked you to be the first one to get in the car and that’ll he’ll follow.

He took something from inside his jacket… His wedding ring, he kneels down and buried it with her, “I know you wanted me to be happy… And yet.” He turns back and looks over to you inside his car, “I think I’ve found my happiness, Mary… Another reason for me to continue living on with my life, but this time it’s not with you, but them.” He emphasize and thought about the kids and obviously… you.

Maybe it was Mary’s wish to have a family and he granted that wish, she’s still alive in his mind and in his heart—he carried on to her wish for a family and… James found that family, he smiled at her tombstone for the last time, leaving the ring buried with her.

Thank you, Mary… Thank you…

James finally got inside and start the car, you smiled over to him as he backs and drove off, “already accepted it?” you asked as he gave you a smile and nod, “I’ve finally learned to accept it.” He said, now aiming for the two of you to go home…

Where is home to James?

Home is where he’s needed most, which means home is where you and your kids will be…

It’s now time for him to start a new book, new pages and chapters in his life without Mary, but with you and your four devils… And he couldn’t wait what’s in store for him and his fate…

It gone dark, and James parked his car to his garage. He looks over to you and see that you had gone asleep while he drives the two of you back home. Didn’t think that the visit will get you this tired, wouldn’t you?

Still in his car and thinking what will he do… carry you inside and let you sleep in his bed while he takes the couch or… look for your keys on your purse and carry you inside your own home and leave?

But, you know what? He had gone to the first option and carried you inside his home—you only just live next door so it’ll be no problem, right? Carefully setting you down to his own bed, smoothing your dress down so it won’t cripple up and think of him as a pervert. He then takes the blanket and tuck you in while he takes your purse and hat, setting it to the bedside table and taking your heels off too.

His hands on his hips as he let out a huge sigh, you’re not that heavy to carry—it’s just, he got tired too easily and he’s having trouble opening the door with one hand, trying to not wake you up while he’s at it.

You stir and turn to your side, tasting the air as you peacefully have your slumber. He kneels down beside you, brushing off a strand of hair from your face and stared at you for a while…

Maybe… Just maybe…

He had already fallen for you.

But not because you share the same similarities of Mary’s personality, it’s because you’re you… you’re on your own person, why does he have to compare you to another? You’re unique and different.

Maybe that’s why, he has finally gave in to the feeling and sensation of butterflies.

“that’s it… I admit,” he says, smiling at your sleeping face, “you don’t know how far I’ve finally fallen for you.” He murmur.

You heard someone murmur so close to you, but you didn’t heard it quite right, a mumble perhaps and just get your goodnight rest and James on the other hand was true to his word and sleeps on the couch, making himself comfortable.

Shit, maybe this new chapter of his life will be the death of him.

You were at peace, your surroundings are a little too quiet for your surroundings—where are the kids? They usually jump on your bed and shake you awake, a smile spread from your face when you remember that Junior asked if James is now their daddy… It was ridiculous, but what if it’s possible that you two dated..? You didn’t think James would actually agree to it, since well… Being a father is a big commitment for you and for the kids.

Then you remembered, you were suppose to accompany James’ visit to Mary yet you fell asleep. What if he needed your support? What then..?

You stir in your sleep, heart pounding and awake in cold sweat as you heard someone fumble right on the living room, “ow—” the voice said, eyes fluttering as you rub your eyes and temple, sitting up in bed and look around—this isn’t your home.

Well, where were you then?

You groan, feeling a bit heavy as you focus your vision, “James..?” you called, the rearing of something like a vacuum turned off—hearing footsteps come closer and louder as the bedroom door opened, “yeah?” it was James. He’s just cleaning his living room, “oh yeah, sorry. You were uhm…” he looks around and set the vacuum down then came closer and sat on the edge of the bed, he sat in silence as he meets your gaze. You smiled at him, seeing how the spark in his eyes were back.

“Did I fell asleep?” you asked, rubbing your eyes. He then helps you sit down next to him, “I’m sorry, I know I’m supposed to be there with you while we visit Mary.” He hushes you and nod, “hey, hey…” he called, looking down at your tired state, “it’s okay,” he softly smiles, “we were supposed to get home anyway, and uh… I don’t know that if I should wake you up so you could go home and rest but—” he pauses, thinning his lips—feeling a little ounce of shame, “I just carried you inside my house and let you rest on my bed.”

You smiled and let out a big yawn, you mind finally at ease as you meet his eyes, “I hope I didn’t wake you up though,” he scratched the back of his neck, “I was cleaning while you were asleep, didn’t want a guest to see my home in such a messy state.” He added, his white teeth almost showing.

You let out a sigh and pat his shoulder, “it’s okay, big guy.” You snicker, “I get you.” You added, then sat in silence. You two could only have a stare off and the tension is odd, clearing your throat as you get up to your feet and hands on your hips, “I should be going… Sorry for uhm…” awkward, he stands up after you and waves his hand, “no, no. It’s okay, you were exhausted and we both cried our eyes out… so yeah.”

And there it is, the awkward tension between the two like it’s the first time they have met, but why does it feel that James is more of a changed man? As if he’s finally at peace with his own mind now that he’s smiling more often, his eyes even shone a little if you weren’t mistaking it.

Maybe because of Mary, he just needed to let those feelings out and talk to her—she was the reason that makes him what he is now, you smiled and grab both of his shoulder and utter the words you’re meaning to say, “I’m so proud of you.”

Tilting your head to the side, he froze and smiled at your words, “yeah… I’m proud of myself too, you know?” grinning from ear to ear as you look at the time, “wanna get breakfast?” James spoke, cutting you off before you could even speak and suggest that you two should eat breakfast, looking at him—feeling a bit smug as you squint, “all… right, sure I would love that.” Accepting his invitation, you first will take a shower and change into a new set of clothes.

Gathering your shower thoughts and thinking back at Mary’s grave, when you were watching him from the distance—he was pouring his all and heart out, you don’t know whether there was a fog on their or the wind was picking up, but as if you saw someone responding to him… or your mind is just playing tricks?

Nonetheless, it made him at peace finally, learning to finally accept things the way it were—he regret and renew for the better, for himself and as Mary said—and for the others.

Finally got yourself ready to meet James outside, waiting on your front porch, “James?” you called, closing your front door and locking it with your keys, coming down your porch steps as you brush off strands of hair from your face, “yeah? Ready to go?” he asked, eyeing you from your feet up to your face, “so, do I look all right?” you asked him with a small smile, he nod slowly—taking it all in, heart pounding, letting out a sharp breath, “y-.. yeah, you look fine..?” he almost slurs his words from stuttering, his words almost coming out as a question than validation.

You let out a snicker, finding his sudden shyness cute, like how any other guy felt when they had a crush or some type of feels that gives them butterflies, you just nod at him with a grin on your face, “all right,” ignoring the way he talks, he’ll be self-conscious about it, “where to?” you asked, nudging his shoulder.

“you wanna get some breakfast, right?” he asked, raising a brow, you shrug in response, “I mean, yeah, surprise me.” You remark, blinking at him with a cheeky smile—you reach out and grab his arm and tug him towards the town.

For James, it feels like it was meant to be a date—he’s a coward; how would you know he’s taking you out for a date? He’s scared to ask; if he did, then he might chicken out and ditch. But he wouldn’t do that; it’s not like in the past few days that it meant nothing—it means everything to him. How every passing day, he is slowly accepting and falling deeper into the feeling that he had once lost.

A home.

He’s also quite thankful that your kids wouldn’t be here for a week. Then he will try and make you fall for him within a week, not that he hasn’t fallen for you yet. Little did you know… He’s falling very, very hard. As if he’d be willing to drown and swim deep into the ocean for you.

How come you didn’t question that in every shop that you point at, he’ll encourage you to come inside yet when you didn’t find what interested you; he will keep asking you question like; “are you sure?” “how about this one?” “don’t you think this suits you?”

It's like he’s convincing you to take at least one then you two could leave the shop, he pays for everything and even takes the ones you had touch to the counter, and pays for it. You glare and tried to stop him but his response is always the same; “it’s fine, think of it as my repayment.,”

Repayment for what exactly? You asked yourself, as you finally find yourself sitting on a café and he orders lunch for the two of you. You sit in silence, gathering you own thoughts and confront James about it and these… 10 paper bags that’s sitting on the side of his chair, you pinch the bridge of your nose and think about repaying him with all the stuff he bought for you.

He came back with a number plate to have the waiters serve the order to your table, “what’s up?” he asked, taking his seat as he rest his elbows on top of the table, he frowns when he finds you looking troubled, “hey… you okay?” he reached out to brush a strand of hair off from your face.

You shake your head slowly in response with a faint smile, “it’s nothing… It’s just, you bought so much stuff.” You point out, finger-pointing at the paper bags from different stores in town, he looks down from each of it and nodded, “yeah, they’re for you, though.” He utter, tilting his head to the side, “don’t you like it?” he question, his tone a little down and sad—did he go too far and crossed the line?

“No, no… I love it, you’re so thoughtful and generous… I’m just worried about uhm… how much you just spent on every bag…” you murmur, voicing it down so other people wouldn’t hear and assume that you two are arguing. You think about the offer you’re about to give him, and you know what?

Fuck it. You clasp your hands, startling him and making him almost jump up from his seat, “you scared me.” He smiled, the waiter finally had gone to your table and set down the drinks and slices of cakes down. You two muttered thank yous to the waiter with a smile then back at meeting each other’s gaze.

“So.” You start, “how about I repay you?” you hush him before he could protest, “a-upupupup!” you squint, “I’m not finish, like. How about half the price of all these bags?” you asked, “you just spent too much, James. I feel bad.” You frown, taking one of the bags and looking at what’s inside, a plush that you wanted to get but couldn’t and yet James bought it for you.

“No, you d—”

“James, please.”

You plead, his eyes fixated to yours—even your eyes seems to be pleading at him. He finds it so… adorable? Cute, pretty, stunning, and all of the above. His heart racing just hearing your plea. He cough and took his eyes away from you, picking up his fork and slicing his own cake to shove it down his throat.

It feels like he just ignored you and kept eating his slice. You cleared your throat to get a reaction, you sigh when there’s none, reaching out and put your hand on top of his, he flinched and looked back at you—drinking his frappe. You frown at him, pulling his hand to his surprise, pinning it down with your elbow as you took your purse and started to count your paper bucks.

You gave a hundred bucks and closed his fingers around it, as he finally had his hand back, he sucks in his cheeks and counted it in silence—you’re content and start to eat your own slice and sip the drink he had bought you, not until he slides back a few bucks back at you.

Taking it quickly to your hands and counted the money, he only took ten and gave you the rest, you frown and anger rising, “James!” you yelled, he chuckles and put his index finger to his lips and pointed at the people behind him, knowing you wouldn’t cause a scene, though they got startled too and looked back as you shot them with an apologetic look. Widening your eyes at James, finally eating lunch in silence.

After the day ends (which James considered a “date”), he walks you back home with the ten paper bags that he’s carrying, attracting attention from the other neighbors, you open your door and pulled him inside so they wouldn’t be questioned, “you can just leave the bags on the couch.” You advised and gone to your kitchen to wash your hands, “yeah, sure.” He hums, you could hear him gently rummage off the bag from his hand one by one, carefully placing each one down.

You admit, it was fun being alone with James. Being showered with gifts that he voluntarily bought you, buy you lunch and the simple gesture that made you happy. You smiled while you dry your hands, James came towards you and tap your shoulder, “hey.” He called, you turn with a big smile on your face, “hey… uhm… You know, today uhm..”

“No, it’s okay, I know I went overboard but I couldn’t help it.” He sighs and took your hands to his, spreading his own warmth to your own hands, “no it’s okay, it’s just— James, I feel really, really bad that you had spend so much money and not give me a chance to spend my own.” You frown, not liking that one person is spending too much on another.

James smiled and nodded, “yeah.. uh… fine, I’ll calm it down.” You heard him chuckle, it was soft and gentle—you feel your own stomach do the thing but it’s just friendly gesture towards friend, right? Thinning your lips as you nod, you gave him a hug, letting out a sigh, “I’m glad to have you as my friend, James. You made my day… I badly needed it.” You chuckle, pulling yourself from him and pat his shoulders.

Friend..? He’s still considered as your friend… He knew he got to try harder, but not get overboard or it’ll throw you off. He sighs and nodded, “yeah, I figured…” he pauses as you turned around to check your fridge, “oh, I gotta get some groceries.” Mutter to yourself, he caught that and maybe… Grocery date?

“oh, uhm…” James reached out, “Are you free uh—” he cough, shaking his legs and shift his weight, “like uhm..”

“free this week? Yeah, I am but I gotta get some groceries, my fridge is almost empty…” you mutter, scratching your chin with your index finger, “yeah, it’s fine. I could help with that.” James spoke quickly in response, clearing his throat as if its itchy. You closed the fridge and squint your eyes at him, smiling, “okay, I expect some company tomorrow just for buying groceries, huh?”

He pursed his lips and nod, “yeah, I could help you carry them.” He smiles with his eyes, longing and touch starved. He wants to hold your hand for a bit longer, but he resisted; you might see him as a freak if he did.

“All right, it’s set then?” you asked and he nodded, “you should head home, getting a bit dark now.” You added as you escort him to your door, “oh, and James?” stopping him for a second, holding his wrist and looked at him in the eyes, “thank you.” Then let go.

James paused and nodded, his finger brushing a strand of hair from your face and set it behind your ear, “you’re welcome.” He says softly and left.

The next day came and he really did helped you with your groceries, pushing the cart and sort them out when you just throw it in and don’t sort it out so he’s doing the job for you. So that when you’re going to check out, it’ll be easy for the packer to pack and separate the snacks, detergents, raw food, and some cooking essentials—all the hygiene materials you need are on the basket beneath the cart.

He insist paying on the half but fought him for it, smacking his hand from giving the cashier his money—he winces and just laughs about and let it slide, don’t want to cause a scene and for him. The date was slightly at success, his goal was to make you smile and laugh… Enjoy your day and surprised you with a single flower that he picked up from a bush that grew some daisies.

After grocery, he invited you to have a stroll around town and be familiar with it—asking you directions and taking your hand to have a stroll around. Chatting and telling stories of your past as he asked you questions about your favorites along the way, like; “what’s your favorite color?” “roses or tulips? No?” “okay, so. Dresses or..?”

Some common questions that you wouldn’t notice that he’s hitting on you and taking notes of what you love and dislikes, what you’d do on your spare time and favorite thing to do. He’s making an effort—he really is. He just… felt a connection, he really fell hard—too hard that he’ll probably let you suffocate him (with a pillow or with love?)

It took, two days… three to a whole week of spending time with him everyday without the kids, he’s grateful for that but what the fuck—he’s stressing because you always dismiss his romantic gestures to a friendly one, assuming that he’s just being kind and a caring friend.

“Aw, aren’t you such a good friend?”

“why thank you, my good friend.”

“we are friends, right?”

And… he would be lying if it isn’t stressing him out and a week had already passed, the kids would be back home in a few hours, he sighs and waits outside in case that a car would park in front and take the kids per your request to James, you said to him that you two would wait for them outside but you’re taking so long inside your home.

Worried, he steps inside and couldn’t see you on the living room to the kitchen, he saw the door of your room ajar—he pushed it wide and saw you looking at your nose on your body length mirror, “hey.” He called, leaning on the doorframe, hands on the pockets of his jacket, “you good?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine…” you turn to him, trying to fix your nose contour and adventuring with it, but to him; it looks like you broke your nose from the distance as panic sets in his eyes. You didn’t even get to blink when he dashed towards you, grabbed your cheeks with two of his hands—squishing your cheeks as he inspects your nose, “what the hell happened to your nose?” his tone raised with concern and curiosity.

You groan, having your head tilt with the direction he wants, tilting your head to the side, “ow— James..!” You mumble, lips pouting as his eyes were still wide with horror, it just look like you had broken your nose in such way that’s not possible, “its just my nose contour!” you muffle out, taking his wrist to your hand and trying to pull his grip down, “no, my nose isn’t broken. I’m just having fun with it.” You added, letting out a small snort and laugh.

He rest his forehead to yours and let out a sigh of relief, “not going to lie, that scared me.” He murmur, his breath close to yours as you snicker at him, “I’ll wipe it off and I will do what I usually do on my nose contour.”

“okay, I’ll be right outside okay?” his thumb caress both of your cheeks, tracing circles in a longing and loving way as his eyes bores into yours… the look of being in love, you hum in respond and to him, time and the world stopped just by looking at your eyes.

You two stayed in the same pose for a little while as you notice that he’s been sleeping and eating well, taking good care of himself while he’s admiring you, but before you could touch his face—you heard a small pitch voice coming from your door, “oooh!” you looked as James quickly retreat his hands and put it back to his pocket, and you saw a grinning Veronica from the door of your room.

The kids were already here and witness something that’ll make them go crazy and assume things, “OMG!” yelled Junior, running towards James and hugged the back of his legs, “Jwames is now daddy!” he says, giggling and rubbing his face to James’ jeans.

“Wow.” Says Leo, Kenan on the other hand is sitting on the floor with his stuff plush in his hands—watching his other sibling make a ruckus about the two of you, Veronica giggling and getting butterflies, Junior keeps repeating that James is now their ‘daddy.’

Being a father (well, step-father) is a big commitment, he knew that but… he couldn’t help but fell in love with these kids too, how he feels needed and would look for, they would look for James if he had gone missing, he can take that especially Junior and Veronica would cry if he disappeared.

He welcomed them with open arms, you got down to their level and greeted them with big hugs—running at you with their little arms flying to your neck and giggles and their little aggression roar. Trying to out best you with your tight hug, but they couldn’t, and love your big tight hugs.

You and James did indoor games for the kids, bake them the snacks that they want (and helped in the kitchen too, making a mess on the process), for James—it’s like the family that Mary would want, he’ll carry her wish and fulfilled it with you. Just with you.

~~~~~

Still as dense and oblivious as ever, Leo could even see that James is literally FLIRTING with you with simple yet romantic gestures; flowers, opening the door for you, tying your shoe laces for you, carrying the heavy stuff for you.

But he convinced himself to just wait yet; days, weeks and even a month has passed, flowers bouquet of your favorite type of flowers is almost overflowing to your kitchen, vases and even in your bedroom. He is stressing badly, and yet—he’s babysitting the kids while you were out, Leo’s reading a kids book and the three kids were playing dolls and houses and tea parties.

Leo stared at him, eyes squinting as the boy tilts his head to his side, “ywour in love wit mwommy, aren’t wu?” he asked, asking the question with obvious answer, yet it seems like that Veronica is as nosy as ever and heard it, “I’M TELLING MWOMMY!” she yelled with the most mischievous grin he’d never ever seen to someone.

“shh!” James return her playfulness and picked her up to his arms as James got to his feet, “you’re not telling, mommy aren’t you?” he asked, pinching her nose, making Veronica giggle and pinch him back, “mhmm!” she thinks, pointing her index to her chin and quickly shakes her head, “no!” she said, “but, pay fwirst.” She added with a grin, making the pay me gesture again.

He sets her down, rolling his eyes as he took his wallet out and takes out a dollar, “is this enough?” he asked, giving Veronica the dollar—she grins and nodded, shrieking with excitement, “now, you’ll keep your lips sealed right?”

She nodded and off to play with Kenan and Junior again, as he watches the three kids from the distance, Leo patted your clasp hands and got under and give him a hug, “ywou don’t have to wowwy,” he assured, “I know mwommy likes you too, she pwobably just feels a wiwwle gwuilty about something.” He added, the boys eyes bore into his. Guilty about what?

Guilty for stealing him from Mary if you did.

But Mary’s gone, yet it feels wrong if you answered his silent confession, doesn’t it?

James breath hitches and nodded, knowing what it is—he planned to have an indoor movie date for today, he called the kids and share his plan with them being his wingman’s, they help him with decorating and scattering few petal flowers to the floor and Leo puts the big bowl of popcorn on the coffee table (Veronica took a few and Junior took two snacks along with the popcorn.)

He's making it more obvious, no more low-key hints and just full on saying that he likes you with the petals and romantic shits he could ever think off, the kids then called their uncle to take them away for tonight (James will probably pay for Veronica’s efforts other than just a single dollar).

A few minutes later and the kids were with their uncle, bidding farewell, Leo and Veronica eyed him with a proud glint in their eyes saying ‘good luck’ and that he’ll need it.

“ywous gives us baby?” asked Kenan before being pulled away and his mouth covered by his sister, the question echoes through his head and turned crimson from the thought. A baby is too soon, don’t it? He waits anxiously since the living room literally screams his obvious feelings towards you.

Tapping his feet, holding the bouquet in one hand. Focusing on his breathing as he dims the light, making it more intimate and more obvious since he knew you’re literally avoiding the hints or oblivious about it, and it’s starting to piss him off a little.

He didn’t check the time and it feels like almost twenty-four hours had passed when he could finally hear your keys rattle and the knob turning. He got to his feet and open the door before you, looking down at your purse as you were surprised that James opens the door so suddenly, you smiled and show him the plastic bag you’re carrying, “I bought some fried shrimp to eat for dinner.” You beam.

Noticing that inside was dim, “is the kids already asleep?” you asked, not knowing that their uncle took them out for a while to give James some alone time with you, he needed more time.

“oh yeah, put them to sleep.” He lied, stuttering as he finally opens the door wide enough for you to enter, “is this for me again?” you asked as he handed you a big bouquet of red roses, “uhm…” James took your hand and guided you to sit on the living room couch, “wanna watch a movie?” he asked, taking the remote to his hand and trying to find something that you would love.

Letting out a sigh while you inhale the scent of the roses, you knew where this was going and yet, you’ve always been afraid to answer his silent hints of confession—he is trying hard and you should give him an A for his effort, but in the back of your mind… It just feels so, so wrong.

“James, I know where this is going…” you murmur, placing your hand on top of his, giving him that same longing look that he shows you (he didn’t knew he was so obvious about his expression and couldn’t control it when it’s his feelings), you sight, taking his right hand on two of your hands—giving him warmth since his hands were so cold from his nervousness.

James’ looks over to you, opening his mouth and closing it till he finds the right words to respond, “y-you do?” he stutter, you nod in response and bring his knuckles to your lips, “yeah, but I can’t… it’s just… wrong, you know?” your brows frowned as you utter out, “what do you mean?” asked James, setting down the TV remote.

“is this about Mary?” he asked, cutting you off first before you could answer, you nod faintly as you feel bad about it, he shakes his head and scoots closer to you, “hey, it’s all right. I get it, it feels wrong for you but…” his lips thin, his hand reach out and grabs your chin to look at him, “this.. this is what Mary would want, to move on and continue living my life, to live for myself.”

Silence sets in as you couldn’t find the right words to answer him, “just…” he sighs, hands slowly wrapping around your waist and his forehead resting on top of yours, “give me a chance… please…” he whispers, his tone sincere and loving. Making you melt once you gaze into his green eyes that’s been longing to you, he wished to touch you and have you even be part of your family.

He'll beg and plead for you…

Just, give him a chance.

Please…

The tension was heavy, you let go of the breath you didn’t knew you’re holding back—he’s caging you in his arms while sitting in silence, it feels so wrong to have fallen for a man like him. Yeah, you really did fell for him. Hard.

It’s as if he’s weighting you down to your couch, his right hand around your waist while the other support the two of you sitting up, not wanting to fall and lie down completely. But that didn’t matter did it? Just in a flash, you couldn’t tell who leaned in and finally got each others lips.

Your lips was softer than he thought, his left hand quickly cup your cheek and pull you close—your lips parted as he finds his tongue devouring your lips and mouth, his hands roaming around your curves and thighs, pushing you down completely on to the couch as he’ll lose his mind completely if you keep groaning, letting out soft moans against his lips.

His hands going down to your rear and squeeze your ass, making you shudder and yelp from surprise while his lips were kissing your neck—he pulls back and looks down at you, messy yet beautiful. God, you’re going to be a death of him as he snaps from his thoughts, “sorry, I..” he swallows, “I got carried away I…”

“James.”

“yeah?”

“it’s okay.” You smiled, grabbing him by his collar and pulling him to a fierce kiss, he groans and support the back of your head with his hand while his other roams around your thigh—pulling it close to his hip. He pulls his lips away and inhale your scent, spoiling kisses to your jaw and neck as he nibbled against your flesh.

“Let’s take this to bed.” You just knew that this man will give his all to please you in bed, and that thought made you clench your legs.

He carried you to bed, gently lying you down to your back as he handles everything, taking your hand to his as he slowly kissed each one of your fingertips—muttering how much he waited for this, how you captured his heart and like an arrow shot right through his chest. How beautiful and messy you’d be when he finds his way to your heart… and to your core.

“James…” you moaned softly, he hushes you while slowly kissing his way down from your chest and to your abdomen as he slowly strips your bottom clothes away. Pants and panties, gone. He lifts your legs up to his shoulder as he strips you from your shirt and cardigan.

He chuckles and buried his face to the crook of your neck, “look at you, so pretty f’me..” he mumbled, his fingers circling around you inner thigh; slowly making his thumb to your slit, drawing circles gently to your aching numb, making you twitch and mewl, “J-James..” he loves how his name fell from your lips, drawing pressure from your numb as he lowers himself and faces your wetness.

You could feel your heart pounding but it races more when he blew air over to your core and quickly laps on your pussy without a warning, making you shriek and tense up, hips jerking as you mewl almost loudly, “a-at least w-warn me next t.. time!” your thighs squeezes his face as you felt a vibration while he apologize, “sorry.” Then chuckling, licking your slit hard, his thumb drawing circle again on your sensitive numb.

Your muscle began to tighten up as you could feel your growing release, yet he pulled away to strip himself off of his clothes—jacket then shirt, his belt and unzipping his pants.

He then pulls out a condom from his pants pocket, you squint and asked him in heavy breath, “w-where the fuck did you get that?” he grins and chuckle, “well, I uh… been saving it, just you know… in case something like this happens.” He points down to your naked body, full of sweat and his kisses.

Face turning crimson as you could definitely see that he came prepared.

He pulls down his pangs just eight around his hips, setting his hardness spring free—tearing the condoms packaging and put it on him, you watch him do his job, pulling down the condom to his length and spit on his finger to prepare you.

You hiss as he entered one of his finger, slowly maneuvering hos finger inside you—pressing and stretching you out as you hiss and mewl in response, then putting two fingers in to loosen you more, he wants to shove it inside and fucks you into oblivion but he knew you don’t deserve that, you deserve a slow and careful sex—showing his love for you and make you feel good, not pain.

“I think that should be good.” He mutter to himself, tasting his fingers knowing that you came, he grins and leans down towards you—spoiling kisses to your cheeks and neck, “take a deep breath for me, baby…” he lines himself between your thighs, slowly pushing the tip of his length to your core, stretching you real good.

“J-James!” you mewl out, letting out a sharp moan as he pushes himself deeper till he bottoms himself out. He groans and muffle himself to your neck, letting you adjust and tighten around him, “fuck baby, fuck..” he hisses, wanting to move but he’s waiting for your signal, waiting if it’s okay for him to finally move.

It took a while for you to adjust to him and tap on his broad back, “you can move..” you moan against his ear, he groans in respond as he slowly pulls out and pushes back in—ravaging you deep and slow, taking his own sweet time; hearing you moan his name right beside his ear, your tone pitchy and high, pleading and calling out to him.

What once was slow started to move with desperation and urgency, his thrust became more pressing—he mutter praises right beside your ear while you were already screaming and moaning out loud, “that’s it, baby. Scream it all out…” he mutter, his fingers dig to your hips—pressing you down as he almost pulled out all the way till he slammed it all inside again, making you shriek and tear up.

He hugs you, kissing your shoulders as you desperately clung to him, his hips snapping harshly at your core—the condom feels too tight and yet he wouldn’t remove it, and if it breaks… It breaks, doesn’t matter—he’ll take good care of you, treat you like a queen and do all the chores if he accidentally rip and shoots his load in.

“James!” you whine, a tight coil feeling on your stomach as you have your eyes close, your walls tighten as you scar his back with your nails, he snaps and gives you a few harsh thrust before exploding his load and you get to feel your own peak, and good news. The condom didn’t break.

He grinds his hips, still spilling his load—letting out a small whimper from your lips as he does so, he collapse on top of you while he held you by the waist. He pulls out and skillfully tied the condom and shoots it to the trash bin, “you all right?” he asked, seeing that he tired you out.

He sighs, cupping your cheek and brushing a tear off from the corner of your eye, “did I…” he stops as you shake your head, “n-no… it’s okay…” you assured, nuzzling close to him. Your tired tear shed eyes bore into him, giving him a kiss to his eyelid as you lovingly confessed.

“James?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you so, so much.”

He smiles, covering the two of your bodies under the sheet—holding you close and tight as if afraid to lose you, “I won’t be going anywhere,” you assured him, kissing his forehead goodnight. He tired you out and sex makes it easy for you to close your eyes and fall asleep.

Watching you sleep so vulnerable beside him, he snuggles (trying to be the little spoon), as he buried his face to your neck and let out a sigh, “I love you too.” He murmur, a tear fell from the corner of his eye as he finally let his consciousness fade into a deep slumber.

Maybe it was all thanks to her, he gets to have another chance and another love.

Ones once lost and finds acceptance, yet not only did one found acceptance, he also found a home and love.

Lost… Acceptance… And he found love again.

[venuscnjunctpluto]

Astrology Observation pt. 2

(Thank y’all for all the support on my first one❤️🙌🏾)

*as a sag Venus sag mars pls stop asking me why I’m laughing…I’m not laughing at YOU I’m just insane😝

*moon in the 1st synastry is so therapeutic you just feel really comfortable opening up to the 1st house person and as the 1st house person I feel honored someone trusts me enough to share their feelings🫶🏾

*people w aqua and libra in their big three are the chillest mfs you’ll ever meet. Even though I’m very chaotic anytime someone describes me “chill” just seems to be thrown in there. We space out ALOT and it’s honestly embarrassing😭 Ex: Alicia keys, lil Wayne, Harry styles, Rosalia. Harry gives such himbo energy in interviews and they drag him for it in the comments but he’s probably just thinking about multiple things at once. Alicia keys didn’t even realize lil mama was on that stage and went on performing lol. Obviously lil Wayne smokes but something about his energy…he’s on cloud 9. And just go watch Rosalia’s chicken shop episode💕😂.

*honestly Aries mars aren’t that bad when it comes to temper because usually they find ways to manage it. Now mars-Uranus aspects is a completely different story. I have late mars-Uranus and it takes me a while to get mad but when I do I can’t even think anymore. My old roomie had a tight square and she would blow up on people for no actual reason like girl sit down😭

*something about Scorpio mars men is just😮‍💨 they have such a sneaky energy to them that makes them stand out. Virgo mars are fine too they’re just so skinny and no matter wtf they do they’re always nerdy ugh (ex: Matthew gray gubler, Lucky daye, Dylan O’Brien, Jeff Buckley)

*i noticed Aries moon don’t really get along w each other. They find their own energy to be too mf much (which it can be) so they prefer being around more calmer people *coughs* libra moons like me. They wanna be bouncing off the walls 🤪 while their friend is just like 🙂.

* fire risings do a lot of things fast. As an Aries rising, I walk fast, get happy fast, eat fast, workout fast. My cousin is complaining her sag rising toddler eats and drinks way too fast.

*venus in 11th…how many tiktok drafts do y’all got😭

*i talked to this guy who had similar placements as me (Venus in 8th and moon in 6th plus Aquarius and Aries placements) It was so chaotic it was literally us going back and forth obsessing over eachother while trying to keep it lowkey. But also the amount of anxiety we are naturally incline to have made the whole situation too mf much.

*i have mercury conjunct my friends mars and for years she tells me the things I say can take people there and make them wanna fight me. It’s in Capricorn and so I was confused before I knew we had that aspect

* i noticed rappers whose lines always stick out to me have Gemini mars or mercury- mars (central cee, king von, tupac, kendrick , j. cole)

*i was talking to this guy and I had Venus and mars plus pluto in his 4th house. Months after we stopped talking our friend groups meshed and he would tell me non-stop I reminded him of his mother. He said she was the same height as me and y’all I was scared to ask what she looked like cause 😫 y’all remember that episode of family guy when Chris dated that girl that looked like Lois yep 4th house synastry.

*im a true crime whore and two women who killed their bfs had sun-Uranus aspects. Their energy was erratic and very off putting in videos. I can’t remember the other one but Courtney tailor/clenney was one.

* More spilling my business on the Internet😍 i think I’m done entertaining people my age. Pluto in the 8th, Lilith in 1st, and Venus conjunct Pluto synastry has been hell. Where’s my sugar daddy/mama?? It’s ghetto out here

*gemini Lilith generation whose a year younger than me is nasty asf😭 esp the tauruses they have their Lilith conjunct their Gemini Venus and opposite their Pluto. One said he had a slept w two girls at separate times. He didn’t know they met until the girls posted a selfie together and tagged him. They later told him they wanted a threesome and he did it😭 knowing astrology I believed every word

* sidebar Neptune-asc people and trying to give off innocent vibes ugh annoying asf to me. I can see right through their bs but they’re able to fool most people.

* mercury-Pluto aspects are in fact LIARS and throw a Scorpio placement in there😮‍💨

[advice-to-try-8d]

What you can outside the internet

With no or almost no money for entertainment:

Mancala: Search Mancala Rules and how the game looks online dig some small holes on the ground or instead of holes draw circles on paper get some small stones or other small stuff and that's an easy 2 player game

Diy Bowling: get a couple of empty bottles you can take from a recycle bin if you have non fill with sand and throw a ball in that direction and call a couple of friends

Library: they don't only have books but some have free movies free computers comics or free events check them out!

Park

Make Belive: you can play pretend almost anywhere in the world with enough imagination you can pick up some sticks to add extra stuff or use building as part of the story if you get kicked out make it a part of it and move to a diffarant location! With some time and diy you can even make extra props look online for advice!!

The Apricot Pit Game: It's a game where you dry naturaly apricot seeds (after you finish the fruit) and try to throw them to score the most point into a predetermined area harder to throw more point for example you can cut holes in a shoebox and the hardest to score is more points or from farther away etc etc

Meeting at a friend place

Free art galleries schools may have more of those made by the students

Diy arts and crafts when your about to throw away something if you think it cam make a nice craft save it for later to have extra metirials to have fun with don't save all to not start accidently hoarding stuff but yes some an empty cardboard box can make a nice fairy house with some colors as I say

Planting stuff many ppl eat fruits and veggies that have seed when you finish you can plant some and see how it goes maybe search tutorials online and use the water from outside to not higher the water bill

Water Fight: if there's any hoes or chip balloons or even bowls you can fill with water you can start throwing water at each other good for a hot fay

Snowball fight: if you have opposite weather

Sand castle: If you have any sand near ya you can get some water maybe some spoons or even just your hand and start building sand castles aren't just for beaches they can be made anywhere there's sand

Going for a walk and following a random safe animal see where it goes maybe it will interact with you too ^^

Draw: if you have some paper and a pencil or even your finger and sand you can do that you can even look outside for inspiration and draw in the street

free outdoor games search that phrase online you will find there's more than you think!

Go visit ikea play pretend there or hide and seek the place is huge and cool

Invent games look at what you own what's near your home and do stuff inspired by it! Just keep it safe

Go visit a mall try on some clothes as you would play dress up with buying non or explore teh area

Search free event near me just eat beforehand cause the food is probably not cheap to cover it

You have old clothes your not happy with or don't fit you anymore make them into something new! If a jacket gloves crop top tank top doll clothes pillow case new bag whatever you pls! It's free fabric now same with old bedsheets or curtains your about to change if you want even more free fabric tell your friends taht if they are about to throw away clothes pls give them to you!

Ask for specific birthday gifts many ppl want to start hobbies they can afford or go on a specific adventure but sometimes if you ask for your birthday from a bunch of ppl to come togather fir the same gift you may be able to have it!

Picnic: if everyone brings a bit from home you can have something fun togather!

And there are many more! Just search the internet and use your imagination!

Humans are not ment to be trapped inside a digital world at all times so let's change it!

By letting ppl know they have options to live outside of it too!!!

[kadextra]

I’ve read quite a lot of orv over the past few weeks when I could, adding onto this long post as I went on so….. here we go!!

(warning major super ultra mega spoilers)

previously

-

Starting with the fight between dokja & joonghyuk during “a story that can’t be shared” episode.

At first after reading that battle I was really confused of what yjh’s intentions were, I’m gonna be honest. 😭 did he really want to kill dokja or not, or was it a plan he and sooyoung cooked up? that’s what it sounded like when they talked about it so??? why did he start smacking the fourth wall?? I had to read this part multiple times, and even look up interpretations on the internet that night to understand it. but I finally did! :3

dokja was just an incredibly unreliable narrator there, that’s why it was challenging to figure out yjh’s true motivations. dokja normally is unreliable so that’s normal, he thinks he understands people better than he actually does. and his mind was also in an even worse state after consuming that Eden good and evil fruit & practically losing it when he thought sooyoung died

joonghyuk never wanted to actually kill him- he had read the record of 1863rd turn, and the fight was all because he wanted to know the truth if dokja had given up on them & the 3rd round. if dokja did, then joonghyuk was prepared to give it up too (meaning: die. kdj didn’t even realize that was happening)

thankfully joonghyuk got the answer to the question he wanted, he didn’t die, he will live and reaffirmed himself as a “former regressor”. ough <3 he knocked dokja out and was attacking the fourth wall in hopes he could break through it and learn more of dokja’s thoughts.

very cool and emotional fight overall!!!!! reread it like 8 times I enjoyed figuring it out

-

And then I cried.

That whole goodbye conversation between dokja and sangah was beautiful…. so wistful about what things could have like been for all of them in another world…. and how even if things don’t go the way you expect, you have to live. at the end of the day everything is all about love… T_T I love her

then it came in with the double whammy of tears with THIS

HE WAS CRYING!!!!!!!! 😭😭😭 AND IT WAS HIS BIRTHDAY 😭😭😭😭😭

-

The kaizenix scenario starting had me giggling and incredibly entertained because PRINCE RICARDO is here!!!! literally sat there laughing in total disbelief at the sudden reincarnation fantasy story that came out of left field 😭 help my orv changed genres

laughter abruptly stops

wtf

the party members have already spent several years in this place before dokja got here and they all lost their egos after being weathered away by the march of time, hopelessly waiting for him? 🙂 heewon and hyunsung forgot each other??? that scene absolutely tore my heart out. pls do not separate them. SOOYOUNG WAS THERE FOR 50 YEARS! CRAZY! she wrote a novel too. ended it the same as twsa🥲

“It’d been better if I sacrificed myself instead” kim dokja you better shut up

but at least everything turned out well in the end for this arc so I am happy :,)

-

And the good and evil war started!! I watched the resident problem son go home and visit his parents- the literal gods of the underworld! (I love that this whole thing between these three has happened)

ofc dokja had his parents gossip about his love life there too

💀💀AKDJFKFLGLRNWKFKGKAJEDM I CANR BREATHE

but the reveal that it was Hades who discovered dokja from the very beginning and watched him together with Persephone. they really loved and wanted to adopt him all along didn’t they, best mom and dad for our prince 🥹 and even though dokja has hated the constellations, he cares about them and doesn’t want those two to disappear aughfhghghgh.

-

HEEWON UNLOCKING HER CHAOS JUDGE FORM AND MURDERING TONS OF DEMON KINGS AFTER LEE HYUNGSUNG’S SACRIFICE. “Sympathy? Utterly disgusting.” SHAKING. EDGE OF MY SEAT. I love you jung heewon 💖 she is so cool and my eyes are leaking 😭

after that whole mess finally the entire Kim Dokja’s Company has assembled together again including an unconscious lee hyunsung but at least he’s not dead like I fully believed for a hot minute <3

naturally though they can’t have good things and the apocalypse dragon revived anyways against their best efforts, because the seekers of the end are all a bunch of insane people. that thing is powerful enough to kill constellations with a flick of its tail 💀

mom and dad came to help <3 but I got really anxious reading because everybody by this point was exhausted or hurt too badly or to block the third wave.

I had no clue how they’d resolve this chaotic situation it was not looking good

it was looking so bad in fact,

KIM DOKJA. PULLING THIS AGAIN

WHY IN THE HELL ARE YOU LIKE THIS SIR

it’s always in situations where I know he has to do it or literally everybody horribly dies but that doesn’t mean I’m happy about it!!!!!! (that’s a lie I was super hyped) still. grabs him with my fists.

Going to ramble a bit here, but the way orv introduces new concepts is so natural and interesting. from the walls, to how stories can talk to you, now to the existence of “chaos” as the void/between of good & evil. it’s the first time I have been hearing this term explained in the story, yet it feels like it’s always been a fact, because it connects so well to what I already know. like of course the outer gods are beings originated from chaos, what else would they be? chaos in mythology was the origin state it makes total sense

being the demon king of salvation means to save people no matter what…… screams cries throws up

“That man is the world I wish to save” BLEW ME AWAY. such a hard line oh my goodness. I love you jung heewon 💖

and all the monologues from dokja in the void space between the indescribable distance and apocalypse dragon, slowly withering away but holding onto life because he wants to live 😭 he sacrificed himself, but it’s different this time because he asked to be saved. he took that action while putting full faith in his companions to do their best to save him. he wants to live. “will to live” even became a stigma 🥲 I can’t do this

-

Son Wukong my guy finally descended into the scenario and its as epic as I always hoped, hayoung was so smart for that. the monkey king himself helped fight off the fog clones and made a way for the trio go save dokja, so awesome. heewon boosting the other two forward, and sooyoung finally boosting joonghyuk.

joonghyuk following the fragments of dokja’s broken star in the pitch black darkness was an incredibly beautiful imagery for a scene, I saw it vividly it makes me want to draw it so bad. and the stuff yjh was desperately thinking during that got me teary eyed, of course. all I do while reading this story is get emotional damaged

but before yoo joonghyuk could reach dokja, someone else reached him first.

honestly felt my heart freeze over while reading that part.

but LETS GOOOOOOOOO FINALLY secretive plotter reveal!! I’ve been waiting for this for so long!!! It’s not future dokja, it’s future joonghyuk!!! :D I’d kinda suspected it to be him ever since the 1863rd round happened tbh so this feels great

I really enjoyed their fight, secretive plotter is insanely strong even with a time limit and was toying with joonghyuk, but joonghyuk never gave up and pulled out all his power to try and save dokja. in the end he was defeated but that was an amazing fight to see

sadly the group is without their beloved dokja again, not because he died this time but because he’s kidnapped 😔 man if it’s not one thing it’s something else, I feel so bad for them

-

and that is currently where I am! the most recent stuff I had read last night, just in time for me to see the webtoon adapt dkos death this morning. haha happy dkos death day 🎉🫡💥🎊🥲

I’m pondering a lot on the reveals in these chapters, some things still don’t feel fully answered to me so I’ll have more to say soon when I continue reading. VERY excited can’t wait to know more :D

[burningvelvet]

I love the Romantics (esp 2nd gen) and was wondering where you learn more about them outside an academic setting?

I am by no means an expert, but I will try to answer by using stuff that has helped me!

For books, I highly recommend Young Romantics: The Shelleys, Byron and Other Tangled Lives by Daisy Hay as an introduction to the second generation Romantics. My only complaint is that it leaves out a ton of entertaining stuff imo, but it’s meant to be brief. It isn’t available for free anywhere afaik, but it’s very worth buying. It gives an overview of the movement & explains how all the key figures are interrelated in a very clever way. For biographies imo the best on Byron is Byron: a Portrait by Marchand, most agree the best on Shelley is Shelley: The Pursuit by Richard Holmes, most agree the best on Mary is Miranda Seymour’s Mary Shelley, & the best on Keats is (more arguably?) John Keats by Walter Jackson Bates. For critical analysis on the works, it’s best to research on a case-by-case basis (there are literally thousands of books & papers analyzing Frankenstein… I shudder to think of attempting to read even half of them).

This link to the BARS Blog "Romanticism: online resources list" -- https://www.bars.ac.uk/blog/?p=2900 -- is a fantastic resource list by Dr. Anna Mercer who is an important Romanticist. She wrote a work called The Collaborative Literary Relationship of Percy Bysshe Shelley and Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley (2019) which is also one of my favorites & I highly highly recommend it as well.

Other good resource guides: 1 University of Texas at Arlington Romantic Resources under the internet & lib headings https://libguides.uta.edu/romantic/resources 2 Jack Lynch of Rutgers Romantic resources list https://jacklynch.net/Lit/romantic.html 3 Uni of Pittsburgh Romantic research guide under the links heading https://pitt.libguides.com/romanticism/links 4 Queen's Uni Romantic research guide https://guides.library.queensu.ca/engl340/websites

Having access to databases and libraries really helps, but those are academic (unless you have a public library—if so, pls use it). If I’m researching a broad topic I sometimes start through Wikipedia & go from there, searching for what information I need by “phrase searching” on Google.

IMPORTANT ADVICE: this will all feel very overwhelming and confusing at first! I highly suggest just picking a work or a writer, finding something that really interests you, then learn more about it/them if you’d like, & just continue from there as a starting point. For me: I knew a *little* about these writers, and I’ve always loved Frankenstein, but I didn’t start any heavy Romantic research until I read Childe Harold’s Pilgrimage by Lord Byron, specifically Canto III, which is considered one of his best works and one of the key Romantic works in general. It really shook me to my core. I believe I discovered it from the Wikipedia page on the “Byronic Hero” concept (which stemmed from Childe Harold). I really just went down the rabbit hole from there… and I don’t know how I got here…

Good luck on your journey, and thx for the ask!

Btw — despite being an English Lit major, I haven’t actually studied Romanticism in any of my classes sadly! I just haven’t had the opportunity or it hasn’t come up; my program is mainly based on modern topics though, and so most of us only get to take a few historical classes. But my research on this has been independent. The first gen Romantics have been briefly discussed in one or two of my classes, and Frankenstein has featured in a lot of my classes, but that’s in a league of it’s own really—it’s one of the very few classic novels that most Americans are familiar with tbh!

[crepuscularqueens]

i! keep! coming! to! your! blog! to! ask! about! WIPs! and! keep! getting! distracted!!!!!!!!!! i cant figure out whats been asked about already perooo, do you wanna tell me about i'm so ugly, tropic morning new, & stwin tag *???? pls???

hiiiiiii <3 thank you of course i want to tell you about these lol

im so ugly was a semi existing way too old clintbucky WIP that went nowhere and i could not figure out what to do with it and then i watched the movie self reliance and thought. well. what if i turned that into a clintbucky AU using some of what i already have? bc i think the main character could very easily be clint. and here we are.

Bucky drags on the smoke, standing huddled from the rain under the awning of the building he lives in, scrolling idly on his phone through personal ads on Craigslist. He hasn't got a clue when he picked up this habit, maybe to feel more like a real person, like the faceless people of the internet desperately reaching out for some small connection will spark something in him. Not that any of them have ever given him cause to reply. Maybe it's only because they're good for a laugh, though. His eyes catch on a truly sideways attempt to roleplay an exciting dating experienced, and whoever this guy is he's insanely committed to the role he's chosen. The ad is written from the desperate point of view of a man being hunted for sport as part of a game he's playing, the chance to win a ton of money if he makes it through a week while unknown assailants are after him. Asking the anonymous people of the internet if someone could stay by his side for the remaining time to ensure he won't get killed. Having to admit he's reluctantly amused, Bucky replies. After all, might be a good thing to actually try to make a human connection here instead of endlessly scrolling through other people's problems without doing a thing about it. At least this promises to be some type of entertaining.

tropic morning news i did answer here but! i of course will give you another snippet :)

There was a long silence after Jack finished relaying the vision to Max, he was still pinching the bridge of his nose, though the headache that always appeared in the aftermath of prophecies had already long since settled in. Max was watching him in her careful way, brow slightly furrowed.  “And you understand what it was you saw to mean-” “That, essentially, we’re all fucked here?” Jack interrupted, “Yes, I believe that was the general idea. Max sighed and poured from the bottle she was still holding into the forgotten cup. “I was just told ‘zhat will not help’,” he snarked, even as he gratefully accepted the drink. “It is certainly not a long-term solution,” Max agreed, now pouring a cup for herself, “I fail to see what can be done immediately, so until we can piece together who you are having visions about and how we can best take care of it…” She trailed off, raising the cup to her mouth, her eyes lifting to the second landing and softening in the way they only ever did for Anne. Jack turned his head to see her exiting their room, shirt billowing where she hadn’t bothered to tuck it in.

twin tag is a whole 23 pages of notes i have comparing max and silver's journey through season one of black sails that i intend to continue and do for the rest of the show as well. because i truly needed to take the time and compare each and every action the both of them take in each and every episode and point at them and scream. idk. distorted reflections of each other. the same character in wildly different circumstances.

So, when Silver sees the page on the cook, puts together that it’s valuable and he might take advantage of that, he works independently to do so, haphazardly piecing his plan together as he goes to fall in with the Walrus crew. Max has to warm herself and work cooperatively with Silver, gaining his trust and proving her usefulness to be allowed into this plan. Neither method is lesser than the others, they are both borne of necessity required by their positions and grabbing an opportunity where you see it, when you see it. Where Silver standing over the dead body of the cook on the merchant ship is undoubtedly suspicious, that suspicion is put on hold for more pressing matters, after all there was just a bloody battle between the two ships and who can say what the truth really is? If Max were to have killed Silver for the page, she could not have claimed the same and likely would have been punished by her superiors as well as the Walrus crew for doing so, her survival would likely be put into question. They are both very aware of the consequences of both the actions they do take as well as the ones they avoid.

[jev-urisk]

Heeyyy :> I would like the biggest infodump on Kazimier you have pls. All the details.

A 💋Kazimier💋 infodump?!? Oh goodness, where do I start 😵‍💫 (Also thank you for asking!). I'm going dump a few favorite things, if I try to dump it all in one Imma be typing instead of feeding myself today 😂

(He's tagged #7c kazi on everything I've posted on him so far if you're somehow thirsty for more after this)

💋Who:

Kazimier (Kashj-meer), an OC for my story 7 Circles

He's not sure what his parents named him, but as a kid he had this Cashmere sweater that acted as his safety blanket and eventually 'brat in the Cashmere sweater' became 'hey Cashmere'. He decided on the spelling when he learned to read/write.

💋What:

Shapeshifter Incubus Hybrid.

Genderfuid (pronouns based on appearance).

On the asexual spectrum.

Just shy of 6 feet tall.

Very likely autistic.

A bastard.

(Feel free to hit me w/specific what questions cuz this can get real outta hand)

💋Where:

He's not sure where he was born, but he's been in Du’Preve as long as he can remember.

Du'Preve is the 4th and final district of the Halkyon Empire. It's a place that's big and abrasive like New York, full of sleezy entertainment like Las Vegas, and is a trashy dupsterfire like the Jersey turnpike.

Du'Preve is home to vampires, gorgons, gargoyles, litches, and hybrids. Collectively they're called Du'Preve'd, darklings, 4th class, nightcrawlers, or just 'lowers'.

But recently he got caught by the govt system and shipped out to District 1 🫶 sucks to suck.

💋When/history:

I don't want to give up tooooo much. 🤔Hmm. He's almost 300yrs old. No clue who his parents were but was a cute kid who found means to shelter himself. A couple centuries and a lot of trauma later and he's a calculating distrustful member of the criminal underground willing to do whatever it takes to avoid revisiting the past.

💋Why (did I make him?):

The thought for my wip 7 Circles began during quarantine 2020. I had nothing to do, nowhere to go, and when my school semester ended my skin was crawling with creativity that didn't have an outlet. So I gave in and downloaded tiktak.

Im a drag persormer/cosplayer and ended up on the side of the app where folks collaborate on settings and interact in-character as their ocs to create a story. I joined as my OC Kazimier and not long after, I began interacting with the charming, dark-eyed OC, 'Klaus Calvaire'. We started messaging to plot story collabs.. then started messaging just to say hi.. then messaged our lives to one another.

This witty, handsome, well-written person was flattering me enough by collaborating so much with me- then they fell in love with me, moving 1000s of miles to live life alongside me. I'm humbled every morning that I'm dating the mind behind my internet crush, and we share whispers about our ocs as we hold one another each night.

The og tag group splintered, the clock app is no longer great for my brain, but Kazimier and Klaus are still going on adventures alongside me and my unlikely lover, 4yrs and over 100k words later. ❤️

💋How (did he come to be?):

Personality was originally based on what I thought would be interesting to write, but then I accidentally added chemical X (my truma) and ended up with a bastard.

As for his looks.. they're based off my drag performance style/makeup🫣. Like.. he was a cosplay before he was really a character. It's embarrassing and strange and delightful all at once that this mf kinda looks like me. 😳

Soooooo, Yeah! He's my most developed blorbastard so there's a lot more, but I'll leave the rest for more asks. If you have further q's feel free to send them!

Hope this wasn't too much of an overload lol if you made it this far thank you so so much, I hope the muses bless your wip 🙏

[secretsinthesilentdark]

AHA YOU DID REBLOG THIS. IT'S OVER FOR YOU TREE, I HAVE THE HIGH GROUND! (I am also taller than you, the high ground was already mine LMAO)

MAROON = You taught me something new.  PERIWINKLE = You make me laugh MAUVE = You are really talented BLUSH = Seeing you on my dash makes my day a little(lot*) better.  FUCHSIA = Your blog content is gold VERMILION = You make me feel passionate LAVENDER = You inspire me HONEYDEW = I want to call you by a nickname (Does Tree count?) UMBER = I want to know more about you TIMBERWOLF = I trust you CHARTREUSE = You’re my homie BURGUNDY = I get excited when I see posts from you

f e a r

Hiiii, pls have mercy, I am but a smol sappling 🥺 /j /lh

Hdbxbehsh anyways, I put this off for a little and promptly forgot about it, but now I have remembered and can finally answer!! :D

----

I?? Taught you something new?? I mean, German words count I suppose so sure?? But aaaa???

I'm glad I make you laugh :D I strive to be entertaining to my friends, so hells yeah, mission successful heheheh

I know you say that I'm talented, and I'm not saying I'm not but just :wah: thank you!! I feel honoured that you think so 💕💕

AAA I'M GLAD I CAN MAKE YOUR DAY A LITTLE(*LOT :WAH:) BETTER 💕💕💕

Hehehehe I'm glad you like my blog content, it's literally just a collection of cool (and occasionally cursed) things I found :P

I make you feel passionate?? AWW???? I'm so normal about that aaaaa 💕💕 I'm glad!!

I INSPIRE YOU?? YOU INSPIRE ME!!! WAH HELLO U CAN'T JUST SAY THAT AAA I'M MELTING 💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

Hehehehee you already call me by a nickname (yes Tree counts <3) but really, any name you give me will make me go 🥺 because you thought about me enough to give me a nickname?? Aaa?? That makes me feel so soft

You know the most about me on the entire Internet, so you are definitely winning there xD yes I stole your wording for this, I hope thats okay hhdhxbdvsvs but ye! You can ask me pretty much anything and I'll probably answer! :D

H— you trust me :0 I'm. Aaaa??? /pos

Hehehehe you're my homie too <3 mwah!

I'm glad you enjoy my posts and get excited when you see them! That's so sweet of you!! 💕

----

Thank you so much for your ask, I am just :wah: definitely totally 100% percent normal about all of this, yep.

Totally not a puddle right now ahahah /pos

Love youuuu, mwah mwah!! <3

[ay-chuu]

Hello there! Can I get a twisted wonderland matchup? Starting off with my appearance I'm chubby and 5'1 with long ginger hair. I am a short king :). Regarding mbti I'm an ENTP. Also, with my personality my friends would describe me as "bubbly, weird, smart, honest, and kind". I asked em for traits for random internet quizzes so that's what they told me lol. Despite being a bit of an extrovert I also highly value my alone time to the degree I can become quite introverted. Moving onto hobbies I like playing video games, watching YouTube videos on random topics I'm interested in, listening to music, and reading. My favorite games tend to be RPGs. My fav games are probs Dragon Age, Skyrim, and Tomodachi life. I love to create characters in games and explore, and I especially enjoy building houses in games. Idk why but building houses gives me such joy. My favorite part of Skyrim is unironically the dlc that lets you build a house. I love to build that house and then get a husband and some kids. I consider that my end game goal verses the main quest which I've never actually finished despite putting 200 hours into Skyrim. For movies well I don't rlly watch movies much but my favorite series is probably star wars. Especially the prequels because I enjoy the characters more in those films and all the lore it adds. For music I kinda listen to everything, but my favorite artist is probably Hozier. The only genre I dislike is screamo probs. For things I hate uhhh I guess I dislike bugs, being put under pressure, and small spaces as I'm claustrophobic. Finally, going onto favorite idol I am going to go with a hisotrical example as I also love to learn about hisotry. I have many examples I could pick for figures I admire, but I'll go with a more famous example, Oscar Wilde. Just in case you don't know, Oscar wilde was a famous Irish author and playwright during the late 1800s. He was quite controversial for his opinions on art and morality, and he was a gay man at time where that was illegal. All of this lead up to him eventually getting arrested and jailed. I admire him because he didn't care that society thought he was wrong and immoral, he lived his life and gave his opinions despite it. Anyway that's it thanks!

You're very welcome! (´꒳`)♡

I match you with... (っ＾▿＾)💨

ACE TRAPPOLA (pls ignore the gif i only could find that T^T)

I always thought ESFP and ENTP were one of the most compatible couples! Because the feature that some cannot provide against life, the other provides both for theirself and for their partner <3 I think Ace is very supportive in general, but because he is a tsundere, he only clearly shows it to someone he is very close to. he loves your life idol and way of thinking!

You used to make fun of each other a lot at first, but then you suddenly fell in love with each other and Deuce was like "🧍🏻" between you LOL SDFKGLSDFJGLJDF While you liked his secret softness, supportiveness, sincerity and liveliness in general, he loved your intelligence, funnyness, kindness and self-confidence. Opening up to each other was thanks to Deuce, but the moment you did it, you both realized that you both completed each other.

If there is going to be a problem in your relationship, I think it's because Ace is too sarcastic when he's angry sometimes and you can't stand it and annoy him even more with clever answers. Usually this ends in fights and the fights are quite childish. After about a week, even though you miss each other, you can't break your pride. As a result grim and deuce will be together and reconcile you somehow because GOD you are irresistible you love birds LMAO.

Finally, some moments I dream of for you two: Entertaining each other while studying the lessons you have difficulty with, a sweet Ace who tries to comment on what you read to him even if he is not smart enough, you mess up and end up in Crowley's room while trying the action in the youtube video you watched, one of the rare and weird but cute moments you experience expressing your love for each other in words and kissing - grim saw that kiss he says its remains traumatic JKLASDF - and finally, when you realize that you will support each other no matter what in your life, you hold your hands tighter and look at each other and smile <3

[mygnolia]

anon pls give examples with evidence as to how sav as been a 'big dog' or 'fucking horrible..' i have never and will not defend anyone, including my best friends, when i think they've done something wrong. i have apologized for things i've said and accusations i've made that hold no truth. you cannot use simply the bad parts of someone's personality and online persona to justify your hate and simply disgusting behavior towards them. i have people in my life who i dislike. would i ever hide behind a screen and say disparaging things like calling someone a bitch, a hoe, and fucking horrible? no, because i actually can respect people without agreeing with their actions. i will never be able to do what you do and say such horrible things about someone else through a blank persona. and don't even like, try to explain why you did it? cuz help "yeah i said this and this because if she simply didn't want hate sav should turn off her asks" or "she's a bad person so it's ok."

i think you simply forget the concept that we're minors and we're all fucking kids. she didn't commit a crime, hello??? jesus strike me down if sav did something racist or homophobic or ableist cuz yeah, maybe certain things shouldn't have been said or done, and maybe she had room to grow. i can acknowledge that everyone, including me, has done things they're not proud of. the point is, unless you're her friend or mutual, you don't know how she's grown. i've literally heard her talk to us about things that she knows were wrong. it's so unfair for someone when you simply label them based on their past.

"Well, what if their past is all i know about them?" girl, with peace and love if you only know someone's lore, you have no basis on who they actually are. idk what else to tell you. people change and people are different. just because you don't see them do it doesn't mean it isn't happening, and it doesn't mean you're justified for the shit u spread about them hello...

also i did a bit of internet stalking LMFAOO and the last post that was negative was literally a month ago LIKE AUGUST 25TH. and sav literally explained they were irls so yeah i’m still waiting on those examples. and no you cannot fucking go off of vibes or aura be fucking fr w me rn

tw suicidal thoughts//depression//bullying

as someone who, simply fucking put it, has wanted to take their own life over baseless accusations made about them years back, and has faced insane amounts of unsolicited backlash and has been shit talked for shit i know i grew past, it's extremely disappointing to see narratives being written about people when they're simply not true.

i'm not even talking about my experiences with poor mental health as a scapegoat or sob story for doing the things i did. I treated my friends badly and severed relationships with some of my closest friends--but people can tell if you've changed and grown OVER TIME. people can tell when you've learned from your mistakes and apply it to the present. the things we talk about are never simply for entertainment for fun-- if it's a genuine criticism about something we noticed, i can literally show screenshot proof of us talking about it professionally with genuine things we think are problematic.

it's draining. it's fucking exhausting to deal with knowing a group of people will not keep their mouth shut about you. it's terrifying to walk into a room full of people who know shit about you, your relationships, and twisted lies about who you are as person without you being able to defend yourself without looking like your grasping for straws. some people, including the people in my real life (because yes i fear i have a life outside of tumblr) will do anything to say shit about other people's appearances, actions, past, etc. some people simply talk shit to talk shit. is it ok? never. is it common? yeah, because we're literally all in highschool...we're all immature LMFAO i don't know what you expect from high-schoolers.

i hate bitches like u who think theyre the shit and try to act like theyre the big dog like hoe almost nobody fw u anymore cz ur fucking horrible 😭😭

i don’t come on here to pretend i’m the “big dog” i come on here to write and leave. i also don’t care if anyone fws me. never once do i think/act like i’m the shit. i also don’t care if i’m horrible either, if that’s someone’s opinion on me, oh well? so thank you & have a nice day.

[trans-mando]

I have to take a 3 credit course but none of my major classes fit so!

What should I take? I will accept any opinions except business/accounting.

[plutoslittlerkive]

Touch Deprived

Gamer Micah Yujin x GN! Reader smut⚠️ (MDNI)

Notes: Enjoy my literal first ever published smut pls be nice and request something maybe🤭

Warnings: It’s an oral fic bae idk what to say💀 (m! receiving) Slight Angst??

Tiktok: princessofmagix( ˘ ³˘)♥︎

Word count: 1777

“Angel p-please slow down!”

As sweet of a lover you were to Yujin he couldn’t quite tell what had you in an all of a sudden sadistic mood, and as he gently tilted his head giving you better access to his neck a soft sigh of ecstasy clouded his mind of any wonder. The alarming beeping of his life points draining away from his digital body prompted him to not let his guard down just yet. Clearing his throat fervently he attempted to create some distance between the two of you, he would try to put his foot down with you even though you were his biggest weakness and his face was completely flushed with a lustful gleam showing through his half lidded eyes. Straightening himself back up against the headboard of your shared bed his attention immediately tried to go back to his Tv with only half of his health left displayed on the lower left corner of the screen, but knowing how persistent you were there was only so much time this was going to last.

You squinted your eyes in disbelief. He can’t be serious? First of all this is the most attention he’s ever gotten from me in weeks you thought. Ever since he got that new damned video game that’s been all over the internet recently he just won’t let up. Then at night complaining cuddling up to you while you’re exhausted letting you know that he’s missed you the whole day and never wants to let you go but this is how he spends his days? Countless hours entertaining the attention whore in him that won’t let you get a lick of rest because NOW he can’t keep his hands to himself?? Slowly embracing him while he seeks for redemption you bury your face in his neck momentarily before kissing softly up to his ear.

“Baby please play with me…” you whimpered pleadingly.

He froze in terror, fuck why now? He asked in thought while mentally cursing himself for finally letting you cuddle him while he games. After weeks of denying you his affection in place of his video games it’s no wonder you’re torturing him like this, but this time he just couldn’t say no to those doe eyes that stared at him with so much loneliness and pain, even if it was you just being over dramatic, but this? Oh, he could lose himself to this. Glancing down at your body laid against him but sat on his lap, with his controller in hand resting on your back as he reciprocated your breath-stealing embrace, he began to question the life choices that lead him up to this moment. Ignoring your pleas to quickly look back up to his game while trying to suppress the dirty thoughts that threatened to fill his head, he sighed once again. Unfortunately for him what his mind won’t say his body will.

As he felt himself harden beneath the sheer fabric of his boxers he prayed that you couldn’t feel it, of course he only had himself to blame for wanting to play games “comfortably” as he liked to say through your timid complaints, but it DEFINITELY didn’t help that you too started to feel a little comfortable around him. Having you walk around the house wearing only his clothes along with lacey underwear was definitely something he could get use too but it was only a matter of time before he’d lose control.

“B-babe I’m busy please I’ll play with you later I- a-ah~” he couldn’t even finish his promise before you began sucking harshly down his neck. He shivered in delight while trying his best not to lose his place in the game. Pulling back from him slightly you admired the dark marks that were now present on his beautiful skin, it made you start to think.

“You’re so pretty Micah you know that?” You asked in a playful soft voice

“You’re killing me here Angel” He tried adjusting himself only to realize with you on top of him that might not be such a good idea. Noticing you beginning to gently tug at his shirt he contemplated turning the game off all together, this moment was too tempting to pass up but he was determined. Once you started to realize he wasn’t giving in, you decided it was time for you to take matters into your own hands…or rather your mouth. A breath of relief drifted from his lips once he thought your attempts at seducing him had faltered but he couldn’t have been more wrong. As you moved from off his lap you eyed the prominent tint from his boxers. He blushed deeply feeling your stare, trying his best to not let it faze him, but as soon as he felt your hands at both sides of his waist band he knew he wasn’t out of the woods yet.

“W-what’re you..?!”

“Oh calm down and focus on your stupid game, it’s more important than me anyway” you started to get impatient and his constant interference was really getting to you. His eyes widened and he stared down at you as you settled between his legs and took him into your mouth sucking slowly, focusing your tongue along his tip.

Though you were A1 at pleasing him, he couldn’t help but feel terrible reflecting on the many times he had brushed you off while you yearned for his attention.

Building up a steady pace you placed your hands at the base of his cock and began to pump while swirling your tongue around his head.

“F-fuck….Angel m’sorry I didn’t mean to neglect you…” he apologized through breathy moans.

The abuse of his tip left him sensitive as he slowly held his head back and closed his eyes.

“I’m so-ngh…please...f-forgive me…” He whimpered

You pulled away from his cock but started pumping faster making him curse underneath his breath.

“I’ll do anything p-please!”

“Oh? Well if you’re so sorry you can make it up by feeding me…can’t you?” You looked up at him innocently but he knew your intentions were malicious.

Feed you? Oh yeah that was it, he was a goner. As the controller fell heavy in his hand you did him the favor of taking it and placing it farther away on the bed.

Any self restraint he had was gone and he proceeded to run his hand through your hair before gripping it roughly causing you to moan in pain. He pushed your head down making you take him deeper in your mouth almost hitting the back of your throat. He guided you down the length of his cock and allowed his moans to get louder. When I tell you music to your ears, plus he was a heavenly sight to bare witness to in his pleasured state. Finally letting his hands fall to his sides you lifted yourself to hover close to him, while still stroking at a fast pace you pulled yourself up to kiss him trying to give mercy to your sore throat.

Taking you by the neck he moaned while kissing you deeply but pulled away only to look into your eyes. Now eye contact had always made you nervous and he knew that, it was always Micah’s go to whenever he wanted you to feel a little shy, but if there was one thing about Micah it’s that he always wanted to push you a little out of your comfort zone, plus he’d do anything to bring you two closer. Placing his forehead against yours he began to let out whiney moans and nearly bucks himself into your hands.

“Fuck I’m so close…please!” He moans

You instantly push him back and lower your head closer to where your hands were and he trembles.

“Relax Baby” you tried to calm him but the closer he got the more he tensed up, panting rapidly he urged you to continue sucking him off to which you complied. He wanted to touch you more, wanting to caress or thank you in some way for pleasing him this much even though you probably felt like he couldn’t care less about how you were feeling, but just as he reached out to stroke your face you took his hands and pin them to his side and deep throated.

“Oh g-god Angel let me touch you~” You looked up at him while sucking then closed your eyes and continued.

Throwing his head back tears dripped down his flushed cheeks and he zoned out on the euphoric feeling of you bringing him closer.

“You’re in no position to be making demands you know? Just give me what I want” you sighed with need. He felt himself getting dizzy from the amount of pleasure you were giving him

“N-no I- Y/N please I can’t…slow down I’m begging you~” he whined

“Slow down? I thought you wanted to make it up to me?” You questioned licking up to his tip before taking him whole again.

“I-i do but are you s-sure I don’t want to just-” he stuttered

“I need it so bad please baby I want it all, give it to me” you begged

His mind started getting foggy and he focused himself on the feeling of your lips wrapped around him. Trembled upon realizing he was right there Micah gripped the sheets beneath him and started to cum.

“Fuck Angel a-ah…cumming!” As his cum seeped down your throat you continued to stroke him harder, the constant stimulation becomes too much for him.

“No m-more please Y/n I can’t!”

You pulled away from him with a mixture of your saliva and his cum still connecting you two. He watched in awe as you cleaned him up with your tongue and swallowed everything he gave you, his cock twitched at the sight. You stood up while he panted heavily but was so speechless he threw his head back and closed his eyes, recollecting himself before he could even bring himself to thank you and/ or apologize. Before he could say anything he felt his breath leave him as you slowly sank down onto his lap. His face scrunched as you started to slowly grind your hips against him.

“N-no stop I-” he moaned but you only shushed him while placing soft comforting kisses along his neck. You embrace him closer to you and moaned as he brushed against your g-spot. He embraced you back pressing a kiss gently to your forehead.

.

.

.

“I’m sorry Angel I promise I’ll do better…”

Likes, comments and rt are so VERY appreciated!!💗💗💗

[willowistic22]

This will say somethinv abt myself but fuck it idc anymore at this point:

Hello, I would like to revoke my existence until my wifi at my house would properly connect and function to specifically MY laptop and phone bcs other devices work fine and if i use other wifis it will all work just fine as well so basically it’s being a complete little shit to me specifically and idk why and really want to throw that router out the window if it continues to do this and would most likely enhance the horribleness of online school along with it :)

Just fucking end my misery right now. Take me out.

[selinakidreams]

How to have Cybersex on the Internet // Tendou Satori

you could never have a shortage of camboy fics and let me tell you,,, the content that came out of this is delicious. thank you thank you thank you to @introloves ‘s The Love Club for hosting such a marvelous collab.

paring: up&cumming camboy! tendou x knowledgeable sex shop worker! reader

warnings: lots of talk about lube bc shit ! fuckin yea ! a lil bit of sex Ed mother fuckers !, pretty dick piercings, voyerism, uh camming, butt stuff, edging

word count: 3.9k+

a/n: THIS IS INCREDIBLY LATE TO THE COLLAB AND I APOLOGIZE!! but ya girl has been going through it,, pls take this as my apology.

ps. this is written by an aspiring sex & relationship therapist/ sex educator. oops I indulged,,, <3 sue me <3 and as per usual, please let me if I forgot to mention anything in the warnings !

pss. THANK YOU TO MY BETAS YOU LITERALLY MEAN THE WORLD TO ME

In such a heavily populated area, curiosities were bound to wander in with plenty of questions that many were too shy to ask; explicit questions that you were more than happy to answer.

Some people were shyer––in attempts to be more discreet than others––not meaning to but sticking out like a sore thumb. Others walked through each section with wide eyes and slacked jaws, trying to map out all sexual ventures they could go on. Not many walked in with boisterous confidence, only a select few––the regulars.

Regardless, going into an adult entertainment shop could be pretty daunting for most, so typically, you found that the best approach was keeping a low profile; people-watching from the safety of your seat behind the counter, right next to the vibrator and dildo section.

Occasionally, you’d make rounds just to see if anyone was eyeing around for a worker to show up so they wouldn't make a scene asking for help, but again, most of the time it was being seated comfortably in your black leather seat overlooking your the half of the store- that or you’re restocking.

Bright and buzzed, it was his flaming hair that had caught your eye. You could stretch the truth and say it was his tall slouched frame or the juxtaposition of dark baggy clothes on a pale lanky body, but it’s the hair that really did it. It was so vibrant of a color that you couldn’t help but think back to see if you’ve ever seen that shade of red in someone’s hair before.

It seemed like they had never been in a store like yours before by the way their eyes sparkled. Enchanted with a hint of “what am I getting myself into”… but not in a scared way. They just looked like they didn’t know where to start.

You watched them wander from the entrance and straight into your blindspot, figuring they’d peruse every section- there was so much to look at, after all.

After a while, they came up to your section. It had taken them a little bit. Maybe they thumbed through the lacy lingerie, teasing mesh, and raunchy underwear. Maybe they eyeballed the psychedelic glass-blown bongs and pipes before scoping out the wide array of lubes, massage oils and candles before stepping up to your line of sight.

They were empty-handed––probably just scoping out for the time being, but you didn’t miss how their lips visibly parted at the variety of vibrators and dildos––or was it for the BDSM section? You couldn’t tell from where you sat.

You tried not to stare too hard as they made their way to the locked vitrine that showcased the tools for more particular tastes––like the sounding rods and the electrostimulation wands.

It had to be some sort of saving grace that a new customer stepped through the door, pulling your attention away from the redhead before you could give yourself away. Thankfully, this new customer gave you a reason to keep your eyes off of them, coming straight up to you to ask about packers.

Grateful for the new distraction, you excitedly stood from your chair and guided them to the selection of prosthetic flaccid silicone penises and scrotums. You also made sure to ask if they had the underwear that was specifically designed for holding the packer, and if they didn’t, you added that to your list of things to show them.

By the time you had made the person very happy, waking to the checkout at the front of the store with their desired limb and underwear, you looked around only to find the redhead wasn’t anywhere to be found.

The rest of the shift went by as if you had never seen that crimson head of hair.

A couple of shifts after the first sighting, you spotted them again.

You were restocking the water-based lubes when you caught the striking color slipping through the front door. The pretty person was back and out for something specific––they seemed to be heading straight towards you, stride full of purpose and determination flickering in their eyes.

“I’ve got a few questions, would it be okay to ask you?”

The person towered over you, almost casting a shadow, and yet, there was nothing to feel threatened by, not that you had been threatened by them at all, but the height difference up close heightened the shock value.

“Yeah, absolutely! What could I help with? Any items in specific or just general overall questions?”

“Well I was here a few days ago and you guys have … a lot of lube. More brands than I ever knew existed.” their view went from you to the neatly organized stock you had on display.

“Yup! We’re happy to cater to different types of skin sensitivity, different types of play, or to whatever preference you hold! But if you don’t really use lube often, it could be a bit overwhelming to sift through… do you have a preference or are you new to the world of lubricant?” With the lost reaction they held after dropping that blob of information, it was clear that this was gonna be a fun little tidbit.

“Well I mean there’s always been some sort of lube- natural or not- but I’ve never really paid attention to what kind my partner had… Does it matter?”

This was quite a common scenario, and frankly, this person was much more open than most customers have been- which is always a win-win; the more you know and interact with them, the better you could help.

“To some it does! Different people’s bodies can react to different bases … well... differently. There are the big two: water-based and silicone-based. There are also oil-based lubes but we don’t have very many of those… I can still talk about them if you’d like? Does it sound appealing to you?”

They took a second to think, pursing their bottom lip and flicking their gaze up to the ceiling, “I don’t think so, no. Maybe eventually, but yeah- not right now.”

“Alright, do you have any questions before I dive in?” You paused; with a shake of their head, they concluded: none so far.

“Ok so, most female-bodied people tend to go with the brand Sliquid because quite a few of their lubes are water-based, meaning there are more natural ingredients, and paired with their natural lubricant, it’s really just used as an assistant. There are also the components of it not housing any of that irritating glycerin. Plus! If you so choose to use protection, it’s arguably the best pairing for any condom, and it’s safe with basically any toy.”

He looked like he had about a million questions bouncing around in that dome of his, but he settled with, “What’s glycerin?”

Ah. The main concern was irritation.

“Well…glycerin is this sweet liquid that can deplete hydration. Though it’s not toxic, it absorbs water, leaving dehydration in its wake, which can easily irritate and blister…. So you could see why you wouldn’t want that inside of you.” You chuckle.

“mmm… Well, I was looking to buy more for myself…” they trailed off, watching you nod as if you were waiting for some clarification before they put the two pieces together.

“Oh! I was leaning towards more anal and cock play- and uh my name is Tendou Satori, he/him.”

It was such an out-of-place introduction that you couldn’t stop the loud snort that hung heavy in the air before you started laughing.

Then it clicked; you could have given him the wrong impression just now. Before you actively seek out any possible sign of humiliation on his face, you immediately apologized.

“Oh my god I’m so sorry, I truly didn’t mean it like that- the introduction was highly appreciated Tendou! You’re gonna be coming here often, then?”

He was already smiling when he nodded with enthusiasm.

After introducing yourself, you shifted your weight onto one leg, gearing to be more comfortable.

“Okay well, if we’re looking into anal/anal play, you’re gonna want something thicker and nondrying- which is exactly what a silicone-based lube is! Not only does it make up for the lack of natural lubricant, but its long wear is really helpful for longer sessions. The only things you have to keep in mind are to not pair this line with any silicone toy, it will completely ruin the toy- and the fact that the lube itself is pretty hard to get off. A good soaking in the bath and a nice scrub’ll do the trick… most popular brand here being Pjur Back Door.”

It was really encouraging to see that he was so engaged with everything you were saying- invested, and nodding along. It made you feel like you were actually helping him, not just telling him what to buy.

“What kind of toys are you looking to lather up?” you asked, hoping to suggest a few fun ones you recently discovered yourself, along with the lube.

That question took him a bit by surprise; it was the obvious head tilt and the blush that spread across his cheeks that gave it away.

“Oh! Well, I don't have many right now, so I think I’m mainly gonna just use it on myself- but I’m hoping on starting up quite the collection…” he said, gaining confidence enough to work in a sly grin.

“Oh yeah?” you quip, raising your eyebrow and crossing your arms over your chest.

“Yeah! Hopefully… soon. I’m starting a second job up and it’s pretty exciting.”

“Oooh!! Did you wanna focus on just the lube today or are you looking to buy a toy too? Just let me know because we’ve got a few toys that’ll really… knock your socks off.”

“Just the lube for now. I wanna see what suits me better before going willy nilly on toys.”

“Gotchaa,” you chuckle out before flicking your attention on the wall of lubes before gazing back at Tendou. “So your poison of choice?”

“I think I’m gonna take one smaller bottle of the different bases, just to see what I like more.”

“The ones that I suggested or did you see anything that particularly stuck out to you?”

“Oh! The ones you suggested.”

“Alright then, go and grab your bottles and I'll ring you up at the counter over there!”

The walk to your counter was very serendipitous seeing as within the next few months, he had continuously come back- quite a few times actually. Soon he’d be coming once, twice, three times in one week.

At first, you thought his luck catching you at work was incredible.. until he revealed that if he sees you are not working, he wouldn’t stay for long.

Apparently, he tried to get advice from another staff member but he said that he didn't feel like he learned anything.

Looking back, every time he stepped inside the store, he did in fact have very pointed questions about sex and the realm of pleasure, wanting to know in-depth answers to everything––and you were happy to indulge him. If there were ever a time when you didn’t have the answer to one of his questions, you’d always do research and get back to him, giving him the sources you looked at in case he wanted to go back and have a look for himself.

His growing interest in kinks and toys was a constant reminder of why you loved working there so much. There’s such a wide range of things that make people feel good––and revisiting/talking about it all made you wanna try a few more things that you hadn’t thought about doing before.

For example, the Tendou-inspired idea of watching a cam stream.

After the first month of interacting with him, the theory popped up in your head.

The idea of him going into the industry had always been a possibility in the back of your mind but what branch? There were so many different roads that could be taken, and a few you were able to eliminate right away but you also didn’t want to assume.

He had become your (stupidly attractive) regular––quite the unusual thing for someone who works at an adult entertainment store to think but! that's how it seems to be––so it only seemed right to do a little bit of research.

The first place you chose to snoop around was Instagram. Easy. It’s a great place to assert yourself via looks and aesthetics; getting well known based on how one looks is typically the goal.

and Tendou Satori was pretty eye-catching.

MiracleBoy ?

Under that user, you saw a good amount of people following him and high-quality pictures of his lanky figure––the bright crimson merely accenting the spice, his poses and angles were more than enough to elude the fact that he promoted himself as a sexual being.

All the shots that were posted looked so confident; another side of Tendou that you knew was there, just rarely saw.

Sparkling eyes and big smiles were what you were used to; his seductive, tantalizing gaze lured you into spending a little more time taking in his pictures, that fact alone caused a warmth to bloom across your cheeks.

Scrolling back to the top, the bio was packed with information.

The pinned link turned out to be a smaller streaming service, one you’ve never heard before but more than likely held nsfw type content- along with four different “highlight” circles.

Schedule, questions answered, toys used, and… a chocolate bar?

Glancing to see if he posted anything on his general story- which he didn't- you quickly tapped the schedule highlight.

The most recent addition to it was posted two days ago, showcasing that he would be streaming on Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday all at the same time, 8 pm.

How convenient. You had three hours till he started streaming.

—

It was a Wednesday night when you found yourself in bed earlier than usual.

Your laptop was set up to the unfamiliar website, an airpod in one ear while the other was left empty––wouldn’t want your roommates to hear or walk in on something they weren’t meant to.

The only source of light was from the warm dangly lights strung to your wall and the brightness of Tendou’s account- truly setting the tone for the night.

The stream had started about 5 minutes ago and your cursor was still over the subscription button- debating whether or not this was a good idea.

Everything was already set up… so why hesitate?

He couldn't possibly know it was you.

But also… this was wrong, wasn’t it? He’s an acquaintance.

But you're supporting his… small business.

The guilt would eat you alive.

The guilt of what? He puts himself out there for anyone to see- and again, you're supporting him. And! And, this is simply… a type of porn. You knew porn, watched it.

Then a completely different angle pops into your head.

You're just making sure he’s using the toys you recommended correctly- if he’s even using them.

Quickly, before you decide against it, you hit subscribe- racing to fill in your information before going straight to his live video as soon as you were granted access.

Rapidly clenching and unclenching both your fists, you squeak and hit the play button that hovered over the thumbnail of an ordinary empty room on the video. The screen glitches for just a second before a new view on your screen appears.

Your eyes were first drawn to his pale bare chest, contrasting dark images were inked into his forearms as your line of sight was then drawn to his boney fingers wrapped around his surprisingly thick girth, the pretty pink pointed head was in a chokehold, spitting out shiny beads of precum down onto his hand.

It was when repositioning himself in the frame, did your eyes almost bulge out of your head; letting go, his cock bobbed up, fully displaying the beautiful silver jacob's ladder scaling his underside.

This was nothing new to you, there was a whole piercing section in your shop… and you never saw Tendou pay the slightest bit of mind to it. so you just assumed..

A hitched breath drew your attention away from slinking back into your own mind.

Your gaze snapping to his fast-paced wrist- his hips thrusting into his palm before you heard a breathy “fuck” before he let go of himself.

“You guys are so mean,” he half chuckled and half whined as he looked to the corner of his screen.

Oh shit, there was a comment section.

It was going 100 miles a minute.

You’re such a good boy.

Fuvk you’re so hot, tori

PLUG GET THE PLUG

edge yourself again, baby!

New messages kept the section moving, current comments easily being switched out by someone who just messaged. Multiple pings went off at once, showing large swells of money underneath a chocolate bar icon.

“What if I got the plug and edged myself a bit longer before I show you the new surprise I got?” He smirked before leaning out of frame to grab a very familiar toy… one you had recommended.

Oh my god.

That particular plug you had insisted that he purchase, saying it was one of the snuggest silicone pieces and on top of that- it held your erection longer due to the attached ring that would go around the base of the penis.

Tendou was speedy; It didn’t take long for the b-vibe snug and tug to get all lubed up.

As expected, he made a show of sticking it in; first hooking the ring around his jerking cock- making sure it didn’t get caught around his piercings- before circling around his rim and pushing it halfway in, the slick of the lube made it almost slip in all the way.

His eyes went half-lidded when he got down to the middle, lashes fluttering at first before easing into a drowsy haze of pleasure.

A curl of warmth ran through your stomach.

He was just so handsome.

“I uh.. I hope you guys aren’t too mad- I-mmmh! I prepped a lil right be-fore.”

It seemed like the stretch was getting to him, and just when you thought he might lose himself and fuck himself on the plug, he shoved it in with a low groan. You didn’t miss the subtle thrust of his hips as he got acquainted with the feel of being full.

Grabbing himself with his big hand, Tendou started with languid strokes, really savoring the feeling.

His tongue swiped over his bottom lip before he blissfully looked at the camera, mouth slightly open and cheeks flushed.

Shit.

You were hesitant at first but now the hesitation and your dignity were out the window because you found your hand trailing to the hottest part of your body.

His show made you so needy… and you haven’t even been watching for 5 minutes.

It was only a gentle palm over yourself and on reflex, your hips thrust upward -the need to feel relief was overbearing.

Biting your bottom lip with Tendou whining in your ear, you looked around your room for something- anything for quick release.

It was evident you didn’t plan on getting off when the first thing you reached for was your extra pillow- eyes barely averting from the screen.

In wonky attempts to straddle the plush thing, you situate it so it hits just so, and you involuntarily clench as a high whine draws in your attention.

“I won’t be able to- haa — last much longer !” He pants.

Take the ring off.

Somebody typed in the chat, and thank god they did because not only was that a wonderful idea but also you wanted to cum with him.

If you’re already in the stick of it, might as well embrace what you’re in for. Go big or go home, right?

Soon a mass of people were typing the same thing- no way he could miss the message now- and you went to help yourself get there, tying that knot tighter and tighter.

TAKE THE RING OFF

TAKE THE RING OFF

TAKE THE RING OFF

The more comments you saw, the harder and faster you grind down into your pillow.

“I- fuck- okay” he whimpered out, immediately shutting his eyes as he torturously made his way down to the base of his leaky cock before slowly removing the ring. The sigh of relief sounded absolutely euphoric.

Not basking in his freedom for too long, the pace of his hand went relentless, as did the rhythm of your hips. He was close and you aimed to be right there with him.

You trailed one of your hands down while the other went to toy with your nipples, taking that extra push towards your climax.

The sensation of the newfound pressure and added stimulation in combination with the erotic view of Tendou Satori gasping as he pumped out hot spurts of cum into his fist was what got your legs shaking and breath panting.

Oh dear god.

—

A week has passed and you couldn’t help it- you watched two more of his shows, sufficiently getting off each time.

At work, you tried to keep your cool but it was just so damn difficult with his cherry red irises holding your gaze, a cute smile playing on his lips as he would enthusiastically talk your ear off.

Suspicion of heart problems wasn’t too far away from the looks of how many times your heart kept fluttering whenever he was around.

There were days that Tendou was bound to show up- Mondays and Thursdays were always a solid day but on this particular Monday, it seemed like he was going to be a no show.

You don’t like assuming that certain people will come or not but it was a little disappointing when things began to wind down after an interestingly busy shift at the end of the night and the redhead hasn't shown up all day.

Your attention was loosely tracking the few people that were wandering around the store- some couples while others kept their gazes low with their hands clutching their bags- body language loudly screaming that they didn’t want to talk to people, in specific, people working in the store- so laying low sounded like the best option.

You stuck behind the counter and waited for something. Anything. You closed in two hours and with how slow it’s going, it felt like two hours could be the equivalent of five years.

Finally!

Half an hour till closing.

As soon as you stand up to make a quick round about the shop, the man with the infamous red hair strolls in, a relaxed smile on his face. Without hesitation, he goes right up to your counter and perches himself up by his elbows, his face resting in his hands, still smiling up at you.

You fight back any signs of awareness of heat burning in your cheeks. Keep it professional.

“I wanna try something new.” he grins mischievously.

“New, huh?”

“Yea! I heard about this thing called sounding and I did a bit of research.. it sounds like something I wanna try!”

“Hmm I wonder if that would affect your piercings at all, and how exactly it would feel like… guess you’ll find out, right?” you trail off looking at the display that holds the pretty rods.

“Yea! I was thinking the same … thing… w-what did you just say?”