#pls i have tears to cry stuff to read and insane thoughts to think

[neonwizardheehee]

Little work rant:

I asked my coworker today if they could fill in tmr evening bc we had to switch things up bc some delivery didn't came and now we have to switch up the whole event (like we need to do smth at our place but the og thing is not possible) and they (we're friends actually) had the audacity to come to me with a "oh but couldn't you have planned that back in november when u knew smth was happening at yours?" .... girliepop the whole thing changed last week, my boss who usually does this is on sick leave and i have had a christmas market to run in between - girl what do u mean I could've done better, i am fucvking trying and crying over here to have our place even running next year

[slytherinshua]

I LITERALLY CANT PROCESS THIS IM GOING INSANE ITS 4 AM AND I AM CLOSE TO TEARS GOOD GOD

i don't think i fully comprehended how much this would DESTROY me when you said you were gonna write so mun headcanons. like EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS JUST EVERYTHING OMG I CANT TYPE FAST ENOUGH TO GET ALL MY THOUGHTS OUT???

the way so mun meets yn is like :( OH MY GOD </3 AND THEN DEF THE PART WHERE HE TOLD HER WAS A COUNTER WAS THE MOST DEVASTATING BUT AS I SAID THAT WAS ALSO IN PART BCUZ OF MY STUPID PLAYLIST PLAYING THE MOST ANGSTY SONG AT JUST THE WRONG RIGHT MOMENT 😭😭😭😭😭

the counters reactions are so real like lmao i giggled THEY WOULD DO THAT FR

THE ART THE MARVEL REFERENCES LIKE I WANT TO HAVE A MARVEL MARATHON WITH SO MUN I FEEL LIKE WE WOULD EACH HAVE OUR FAV SUPERHEROS (my so mun spiderwoman fic in the works oh-)

HIS OVERSIZED JACKETS ALWAYS LOOK SO COMFORTABLE OH MY GOD LIKE PLS I WANNA WEAR THEM I WOULD STEAL ALL OF HIS CLOTHES 😭😭😭 esp cause recently ive loved comfortable clothes like more baggy stuff AND UGH I JUST LOVE PARTNERS STEALING THE OTHERS CLOTHES BYE IM GONNA GO CRY

don't talk to me abt the makeout session part it is 4 am and i had to hold myself back from screaming many times while reading that.... like many many times. my bed got attacked by my fist, my hair was gripped way too hard it almost got ripped out, and my window was almost opened to that i could jump out of it-

yeah im totally fine rn.

MOVING ON

THE EXCUSE ME BABY PART LIKE SIR????? LEMME KISS U RN??????? I JUST FELL FOR HIM ALL OVER AGAIN OH MY GOD

HE IS SO FREAKING LANA DEL RAY CODED LIKE WTF I WANNA SING HER SONGS WITH HIM LIKE SHOUTING THEM OH MY GPDSKFJHIWYGEW*EOT&YRFUHIGO*!#IF I JUST WANT TO DO EVERY SINGLE THING WITH HIM

when i tell you i NEEDED to somehow transport myself INTO THIS HEADCANON. i so badly need all of this with so mun its UNREAL IM GOING CRAZY OVER THIS

hair ties I AM CRYING. LITERALLY SOBBING OVER THAT LIKE JUST IMAGINE HIM SITTING NEXT TO YOU WHILE UR WATCHING A SHOW OR SMTH AND U JUST REACH OVER AND START BRAIDING HIS HAIR AND HE DOESNT MIND AT ALL HE LOVES IT SO HE LEANS INTO UR TOUCH AND BY THE END OF IT YOUVE JUST BEEN PLAYING WITH HIS HAIR PUTTING IT IN ALL KINDS OF DIFFERENT HAIRSTYLES OH MY GOD IM DEAD <//3

i need a so mun. i am devastated. and yes i am reblogging this on my main CAUSE PPL NEED TO SEE THIS BYE IM IN LOVE WITH EVERYTHING ABT THIS

Dating So Mun headcanons

(this is a long one)

Pairing: So Mun x civilian!fem!reader

Warnings: fluff, angst if you squint, suggestive?? idk, teeny tiny spoilers from avengers: endgame?? y’all will understand when you read this THIS TAKES PLACE IN S2 BUT ALL IS WELL

A/N: I finished tuc last episodes and I’m so sad bc my weekly dose of happiness is over:(( anyways I’m falling more and more inlove with So Mun and wrote this

OKAY SO

LET'S GET STARTED

So yall met at a food stall and bonded over food

You were a regular at one of the food stalls and really loved by the old lady running the stall

She always gives you samples of new dishes or free food

Even though you would argue with her and try giving her money but she wasn’t having it

ANYWAYS

So Mun had just finished dealing with a level one spirit

Not wanting to disturb the other counters about it as it was just a mere level one spirit and was really easy to deal with

And he decided to stop by the food stalls for a quick snack bc he was feeling hungry

You were at the food stall speaking happily with the old lady

As fate would have it, So Mun found himself at the same stall as you drawn to the mouthwatering aroma of the popular dish the old lady was selling

Your guys eyes met briefly and you two felt an instant connection

As if the universe had conspired to bring yall together

So Mun decided to be the first one to struck up a conversation and asked for your recommendation among the food options

And since you were a regular and you couldn’t pass on the opportunity of speaking to the incredibly handsome man with long luscious curly hair

You decided to share your favorite food/dishes with him

You guys ended up spending the evening chatting and sharing delicious food

And the rest is history

NOW LET'S START WITH YALLS RELATIONSHIP

So Mun’s top priority is your safety

Him being a counter is also the main reason of him being protective

And bc he is just protective over his loved ones

Like he will insist on walking you home no matter what

Picking you up from places

Him always walking on the side of the road

Always holding your hand

He’d always prioritize your safety and well-being

Going above and beyond to keep you out of harm’s way

So Mun wears his heart on his sleeve and is very verbal about his love

Always providing with words of reassurance and love

So Mun did not plan in any way how to tell you about his counter side

He knew he would get a warning from Yung but just couldn’t hold back and continue to lie to you

Like mans loves you too much and cannot physically lie to you too long

So it happened one day

So Mun had just got finished with a particularly hard mission with a level 3 spirit

And something in him just had to see you no matter what

Despite the other counters asking him where he is going

Or Ms. Chu asking to heal him before he leaves where ever he is going

So Mun didn’t listen he only had one thing on his mind and that was you

While you started noticing him disappearing at odd hours

And sometimes the only time you guys would have time to talk would be through late night facetime calls

Or him saying that something urgent came up

You were patient and didn’t want to force it out of him so you didn’t ask him much about him

Besides you trust So Mun to know that he would speak with you when the time comes

One day So Mun had showed up at your door with a cut on his lip, one on his cheek and blood on the side of mouth and forehead after the mission with the level 3 spirit

When you opened your apartment door So Mun just engulfed you in a tight hug

You could also feel something wet on your shoulder where So Mun had nuzzled his face

You came to the conclusion that he was crying

You just stood there rubbing his back and whispering ‘it’s okay’ or ‘I got you baby’ while waiting for him to calm down

When he did calm down you silently dragged him to your bathroom and sat him down on the toilet seat

You grabbed your supplies to clean his cuts while your hands were shaking from worry

You just silently cleaned his wounds

Having silence from So Mun was also concerning considering that he is a very talkative person

When you got done cleaning his wounds you crouched in front of him

“What happened, darling?” you asked in a gentle whisper

That’s when So Mun told you everything

Him being a counter

About the evil spirits

About the other counters

And how tonight’s mission was hard and that he felt like he had to see you instead of letting one of the counters heal him

He also mentioned how he would get a warning from ‘Yung’ for telling you this

You did scold him a bit about that

But he couldn’t hold it in anymore

Like he can never ever lie to you he loves you too much to do that

When he got done talking you just silently hugged him

Holding him close to your chest and pressing small kisses to his forehead

That’s how the rest of the night went

You comforting So Mun and him telling you more about him being a counter

And now you are even more worried and concerned about So Mun

Often waiting for his call or him when he is on mission’s

Now to be honest So Mun was kind of nervous about introducing you to the rest

They can be a bit… much sometimes

He wants everything to go smoothly

So Mun waited for the right moment to introduce you to the others

So he decides to tell the counters first

He casually drops the news when they are all having dinner together at the hideout

The moment the sentence i have a girlfriend leaves his mouth

It’s silence

Fucking silence even Jeok Bong is stunned

Before all hell breaks loose and everywhere is throwing questions at poor So Mun

“Girlfriend?” “When and how and how long!??” “How does he get a girlfriend before me!”

And when he tells them that you know about the counter part

MS CHU AND HANA GO OFF ON HIM

SCOLDING THE SHIT OUTTA HIM

But at the end they calm down and Ms Chu encourages So Mun to invite you over for dinner:))

So Mun playfully not threatens the other counters to act normal and not scare you off

When So Mun then mentioned to you about the counters wanting to meet you

You panic like what if they don't like you? What if they get mad that you know about them being counters?

You know that these people are important to So Mun

They are like his family and you want their approval

So you and So Mun agree on going to dinner and meeting the counters

Ms Chu wanted to make you her infamous and delicious noodles

At the start the vibe is slightly tense before Jang Mul breaks the silence with his booming voice

Ms Chu thinks you are very pretty, and sweet, and perfect for So Mun

Motak and Jeok Bong do not pass off the chance to tease the shit out of So Mun

While Hana has only one question?

“Why him??”

Obviously she’s joking

She’s already planning y'all's wedding in her head, and swears to protect you and So Mun more no matter what

So all of the counters adore you to put it plainly

After the dinner you come around for sleepovers with So Mun much more

Always being a part of game and movie nights with the other counters

And then end the night by cuddling and falling asleep with So Mun

So Mun’s determination and dedication in his counter duties would also translate into his relationship

If you ever face challenges or obstacles you can count on him to stand by your side and work tirelessly to overcome them

That being said he never ever let’s both of you go to bed angry after a fight even though yall dont have many of them

He cannot stand the fact of going to bed angst at you or knowing that you are angry at him

Dates with So Mun are always different

It can be a stroll in the park, cooking a meal together, movie night with lot’s of kissing as well, visiting an art gallery bc he loves art so much and you can listen to him talk for hours, late night snacks, bookstore dates, going to the amusement park, star gazing etc

Like dates with him are always so fun and loving

Bc this man uses all his love on these dates bc he just loves you so much.

So Mun has seen a lot of supernatural shit no he’d have a special appreciation for the ordinary, everyday moments you share together

Like a simple meal or a walk in the park would mean a lot to him

Speaking of art

This man has so many drawings of you

Any chance he gets he will draw you no matter what

He has so many sketches of you while you are doing different things

Bc he thinks you are so pretty

The prettiest in the whole world

The drawings can’t do justice to your beauty he insists

Movie nights with him are always fun

Like he is always down to have a marvel movie marathon with you

Cmon guy’s So Mun LOVES comics you cannot not tell me he doesn’t like marvel especially the comics

Will absolutely hold you in his arms and coo and comfort you when you sob at Tony’s death while watching Avenger: Endgame

Like it hurts everytime

Trust me it does;((

So Mun is your biggest cheerleader in your life

Like mans is always there for you cheering you no matter what

So Mun might occasionally struggle with balancing his duties as a counter and his desire to spend time with you

There would be rare moments of conflict but he always prioritize you and your safety

WEARING HIS JACKETS!!!

(or wearing his clothes in general!!)

If you’re cold he is handing you his jacket

And since he already wears oversized ones they are even bigger on you no matter what

Like you see his closet and just snatch whatever you like

He doesn’t mind

He LOVES seeing you in his clothes

HE THINKS YOU LOOK SO CUTE IN THEM

LIKE HE SQUISHES AND PINCHES YOUR CHEEKS

AND COOS AT HOW ADORABLE YOU LOOK IN HIS CLOTHES

Physical touch is one of So Mun’s biggest love language

So he always has an arm around you

A hand on your thigh

Rubbing his thumb on your palm

Holding pinkies

ALSO

MAKEOUT SESSIONS!!

You guys have been caught more than once making out by the others

LIKe

THIS MAN LOVES KISSING YOU

NO MATTER WHAT

And he is damn good at it too

C ocky mf will smirk when he sees how flustered you get after a heated makeout session

Loves having you on his lap while kissing you

Also please tug/pull at his hair like he secretly loves it

THIS MAN DEFINITELY GROANS WHEN YOU TUG AT HIS HAIR

CURRENTLY KICKING MY FEET, GIGGLING, TWIRLING MY HAIRKSJDJSKSHDKJDK

Loves giving you hickies

Like he almost goes feral at seeing the mark that HE gave you on your neck

Mf will purposely give you one on an obvious place that you forget to cover up

And when the others see it they will be shocked

“Yah! You attacked the poor girl!”

“Your neck looks like it’s been mauled.”

But this cocky bastard isn’t fazed

Is fucking proud instead

ALSO

BEING THE MENACE HE IS

When there isn’t any place for you to sit in a setting or place

hE WILL SMIRK

FUCKING MAN SPREAD

AND TAP HIS THIGH TO INDICATE THAT HE WANTS YOU TO SIT THERE

bro has too much rizz

LIKE IF YOU WALK PAST HIM AND HE FEELS LIKE IT HE WILL PULL YOU ONTO HIS LAP AND WRAP HIS ARMS AROUND YOUR WAIST AND LEAVE KISSES ON YOUR NECK

I'M CURRENTLY MALFUNCTIONING

Also here are some things that So Mun unintentionally does that you think is so attractive and it drives you crazy

When you are standing in the way of him

He will gently grip your waist and move you aside while softly whispering in your ear, “Excuse me, baby.”

LIKE AHHHSKDHDKSK IT JUST MAKES YOUR HEART EXPLODE

There is a noticeable height difference between you two and you find it so attractive when he slightly leans down bc he can’t hear you completely

It just makes you stutter for a moment and collect yourself

Also i feel like So Mun if the type of guy to wear gray sweatpants with either, a t shirt or a compression shirt

And that shit is so sexy

Like you can just sit and watch him in that attire train for hours

Definitely does it to tease you sometimes as well

You’ve met his grandparents and they love you sm

Especially his grandmother

She adores you

And you love her bc she is so genuinely kind hatred and sweet

“Munyoung has sent So Mun an gel to take care of him!”

You almost cried when she told you that

When you are having sleepovers with So Mun at the hideout and y'all can’t sleep you guys will just sit around in the kitchen and eat snacks

Like just sitting on the floor, your head on So Mun’s lap

His hand tangled in your hair and massaging your scalp

While eating snacks and just talking

Or sometimes when you two have too much energy yall will have a singing session

You guy’s would sing and jam out to Lana Del Rey, Taylor Swift, or Chase Atalantic

Istg So Mun is so Lana Del Rey and Chase Atlantic coded idc what yall say

You stand in the boxing ring pretending to be the singer giving a performance

While So Mun is outside the ring cheering you on

Acting like your biggest fan he is anyways

And cheering on encouraging words

“Yeah! That’s my talented baby!”

“You’re doing so good!”

“My pretty girl!”

You guys have been yelled at and sent to your room more than twice by Hana

Who wakes up by the noise

You always carry around multiple hair ties on your wrist for So Mun

Bc you know that he sometimes get irritated when his hair gets in his face

So you either just tie his hair in a ponytail and kiss his forehead

Or he borrows the hair tie from you and presses a kiss to your lips

He treasures all of your hair ties

Like he was on the verge of tears when he once lost your hair tie on a mission

ANYWAYS here are some pet names So Mun calls you by:

Sweetheart: So Mun uses this classic term of endearment bc it’s simple and affectionate

Sunshine: So Mun might use this one bc you bring warmth and light to his life

Precious: He values the people he cares about deeply, and this pet name would show just how important you are to him

Beloved: So Mun is a sincere and devoted guy and he would want you to know how deeply he cares for you. “Beloved” would be a heartfelt way to express his affection

Dearest: This pet name simply emphasizes that you hold a special and dear place in his heart and it’s a reflection of his genuine feelings for you

In conclusion So Mun is the most loving, precious, loyal, sweet, and caring partner

We all need a So Mun in our lives.

Note: gifs, pictures, and header DOES NOT belong to me. CREDITS TO THE RIGHTFUL OWNERS!! Feedback is appreciated.

[baroquebucky]

one and only

a/n: hi guys !! this one shot is inspired by this song by cuco ! I hope u all enjoy,, I went overboard again,, pls tell me what u think :] lyrics are in bold !

in which bucky slowly but surely falls for you

word count: 1.9k

masterlist

I hope that you wanna get to know me

Bucky smiled at you from across the coffee shop, both of you stealing glances at each other for the past hour. Finally mustering up some courage and walking to your booth.

"hi" he had breathed out, a smile on his face as you looked at him with wide eyes, a smile quickly breaking across your face.

"hi" you smiled, extending your hand out for him to shake, "y/n."

Bucky shook your hand quickly, pink dusting his cheeks, "I'm bucky."

"do you wanna sit? I can move some stuff so you have some room" you spoke quickly, fumbling as you moved all your homework and notebooks to the side, stacking them on top of each other.

Bucky slid into the booth with a soft smile, quickly striking up a conversation, flirting with you the whole time.

"I have to go soon" you frowned, putting all your stuff away as bucky got up from the booth. He held a hand out, helping you up and paying for both of your drinks and snacks.

"I had a really nice time" bucky flashed you a smile, your ears heating up.

"I- uh yeah I did too" you replied, looking at your feet as the two of you walked out of the coffee shop.

The two of you exchanged numbers, a bashful grin on both of your faces as you parted ways.

"text me when you get home" you had told him out of habit, blushing when you realized you had only met him today.

"I mean you don't have to" you added, fumbling with the string on your backpack.

"only if you do the same" he replied, a smirk on his face as your mouth formed an 'o' shape.

Bucky had texted you first, making your heart flutter. exchanging a few texts that night, bucky decided to get real brave.

I hope we can hang out again soon :)

And sure enough you did, meeting up at his favorite coffee shop only three days later. Getting to know each others interests.

As time passed you and bucky became closer, getting lunch together, texting each other often, having late phone calls almost everyday.

baby hit me up if you get lonely

You and bucky never really opened up to each other, even after one month of your little coffee and lunch dates. And so there you were, staring at your bedroom ceiling with an empty heart, dried tears on your face.

Your phone vibrated next to you, lighting up the room. You let it ring, not having enough energy to pick it up.

Bucky grew worried, you never just left him hanging like that, you always replied with why you didnt pick up within minutes. It had been an hour already.

everything okay ?

your phone buzzed and you looked over, seeing his missed call and texts. Sighing you replied, not wanting to bother him.

yea, just tired

Bucky frowned, his stomach twisting as he read your reply. Thinking for a moment before he texted you once again.

im here if you need me or need anything

Your bottom lip quivered, fresh tears streaming down your face.

do you think you can come over

your heart was heavy, you were stressed, tired and you wanted someone to tell you it was gonna be okay, instead you were alone in the dark, in an empty apartment with only the sounds of the city keeping you company.

on my way

Bucky was sweet. Bucky was caring and he was everything good in the world. Listening to you as you cried, dumping all your worries out into the air, rubbing your back and handing you tissues, getting you water.

He listened, he reassured you and he helped you through it, never being pushy and always reminding you that you were strong enough to get through it.

"and if im not?" you had whispered, looking at the floor with teary eyes.

"then im here to fight for you."

I know im not confused, my feelings here are true

Bucky opened up to you a few nights later, after ignoring your texts all day you showed up at his apartment, snacks in one hand and coffee in the other.

You listened to him vent, letting out all he had bottled up, all his guilt, his regret, his pain, everything.

You didnt judge him, you just got up, sat closer to him and hugged him, holding him tightly. Bucky relaxed in your arms, burying his face in your shoulder and letting himself cry, allowing himself to be vulnerable for once.

You woke up in each others arms the next morning, blushing when you both realized.

Bucky was red, you were about to start sweating, telling him you were gonna head home and would text him when you arrived.

After that he found himself more nervous around you, butterflies when he saw you. For the first time in decades he found himself styling his hair more and putting effort into his outfits.

on gloomy days like these wishing you were next to me

You sat on your couch alone, rain hitting your window steadily. You sent a text to bucky, asking him when he would be back from a mission he got dragged along. He replied quicker than you expected, your heart beating a little faster.

just a couple more days :)

okay hurry back safe I miss u :/

Bucky choked on his own spit at your text, Sam looking at him as if he was insane. Bucky ignored him, replying to your message

I miss you too dollface

You read the text over, squealing and jumping around at the pet name, face hot and stomach fluttering.

when im feeling puzzled, you put me back together

Bucky frowned, barely listening to you explaining a documentary you watched the other day.

"buck?" you asked, setting down your phone and looking at the super soldier, worry in your eyes.

"sorry I- what about the jungle?" he questioned, trying to push away his thoughts.

"talk to me James" you pleaded, hands moving to hold his own.

A few moments passed, quiet as bucky gathered his thoughts, tears welling in his eyes before he blinked them away and began talking.

"what if a part of him is still there? what if im not who Steve thought I was? what if im not what people want me to be?" bucky looked at you, teary eyed and broken.

"you're free bucky" you told him, scooting closer to him and he nodded.

"Steve would be proud of you, I mean look at you, you have a furnished apartment, you have friends, you're working with sam, you're building your life" you spoke, smiling at him.

"you shouldn't care what others want you to be, be who you want to be. Be who you are now" you squeezed his hands, letting him gather his thought as you stopped talking.

"am I good?" he mumbled, a small frown on his face.

"you are" you replied without hesitation.

"you like me as who I am now?" you nodded.

"me too" he smiled, leaning his head on your shoulder, your fingers brushing through his hair.

I wanna be your one and only

Bucky finally introduced you to sam, you were excited, having heard so much about him.

"what if he hates me" you worried, stopping in your tracks as you paced buckys living room.

"he'll love you doll" bucky reassured you, a knock at the door making your heart thump in your ribcage as you waited for bucky to open it.

And love you Sam did, talking your ear off and chatting with you all night. You struggled to catch your breath between his jokes, stomach hurting as he continued.

bucky hated it. only he had made you laugh that hard, the crinkles by your eyes were reserved for him and his bad jokes. bucky got up quietly and went to grab a cup of water, sam quickly excusing himself and following him into his kitchen.

"you are down bad" sam laughed and bucky rolled his eyes at him, gulping down his water, setting the cup down, eyes softening as he saw you on his couch, replying to some texts.

"you should ask her out soon, or else I will" sam teased, knowing it would push the super soldiers button.

"sam is actually leaving right now!" bucky smiled, sam rolled his eyes before playing along.

"aw, it was just getting good" you smiled, getting up and going to give sam a hug, wishing him a good night before he left.

You and bucky sat on the couch, the sounds from the movie filling the room.

"green isn't your color" you smirked, bucks eyes went wide.

"what?" he questioned, heart racing.

"cmon im not stupid, you were cranky the whole time sam was cracking jokes" you shrugged your shoulders, eyeing bucky.

Bucky was quiet, Sams words ringing in his ears.

"I like you y/n and I've liked you for a while and I-" he stopped himself, not wanting to say something he would regret. You let him think, heartbeat ringing in your ears as his confession rattled around in your brain.

"I want to be the one making you laugh, I want to spend rainy days with you and I want to go to the park with you on sunny days" bucky spoke, looking at you.

"I wanna be your one and only" bucky ended, eyes searching your face as he finished, worried about what you were thinking.

You had the biggest smile on your face, fidgeting with your fingers. Looking up your eyes met his blue ones, stomach in knots and heart skipping a beat.

"ask me then" you stated, never breaking eye contact.

"will you be mine y/n?" he spoke, voice trembling, he fidgeted with his fingers.

"of course" you replied, crashing your lips onto his, smiling into the kiss, breaking out into giggles when he pulled away and peppered kisses all over your face.

and if never is forever, then lets always be together

Sam pat bucky on the back, giving him a reassuring smile.

"Steve would be so happy for you" he whispered to him, a smile breaking onto his face, nodding to sam and looking up.

The whole team was there, sam standing behind him as his best man, your family with bright faces as the music began and everyone looked back.

The doors opened and it felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. His mouth fell open at the sight of you. His cheeks hurt from smiling so hard but he didn't care, tears falling from his face as you smiled brightly at him.

You spent the whole ceremony the same way you had met. Stealing glances at each other and blushing deeply when you caught each other, holding back giggles and brushing it off as clearing your throat.

You were marrying the light of your life, the person who was there for you when you couldn't see the light, the one who always supported you and fought for you when you couldn't. Helping you grow into the person you wanted to become.

He was marrying the light of his life, the person who was his sun during his worst times, shining brightly for him and picking him up when he was upset. Helping him become the person he was meant to be.

[collecting-stories]

Manslaughter - Rafe Cameron

Request: Can I request sth. for Rafe ? :) How would he and y/n reunite after years where he broke up with her, went to jail or some facility for killing Peterkin and she went on with her life ? I love your writing!

Request: Hey can i have an vvv angsty rafe x reader pls? Love ur stuff xx

Outer Banks Masterlist

✰ ✰ ✰ ✰

A wealthy family, good behavior, and a renewed plea of insanity at the time of the crime all met at the crossroads of Rafe’s review trial. It was ten years after Peterkin’s death, ruled manslaughter despite him driving to the airstrip with a gun, that the review board decided Rafe could be released on house arrest. Two years he would have to spend in the house only allowed to leave for parole meetings and therapy.  

“I shouldn’t have to do some dumb therapy shit.”

“I don’t really think you’re in the position to bitch about anything Rafe.” Wheezie commented, sitting in the car with her brother. In the time that he had been behind bars she had gotten a license, graduated high school, and was in the process of getting her masters. It was because of that Wheezie asked you to stop by.  You had kept in touch with Wheezie after Rafe had been arrested, knowing how difficult it had been for her to see her brother arrested and how alienated the family became from each other afterward. You had always loved the youngest Cameron like she was your own sister and you had stayed close to her. When your daughter was born years later after you finally felt ready to let Rafe and your past go, she was the godmother. So when she asked you to come to the house you did, even if it meant walking back into those memories.  

Being back in front of Tanney Hill was like walking into a liquor store when you knew you were an alcoholic. The amount of time you had spent there during your youth was synonymous with the amount of pain it had caused you. Not the house, of course, but the boy inside. The one who was all grown up now, nearing thirty, and far removed from the person you fell in love with. Though, to be fair, he’d hadn’t been that person the last time you were behind the doors of Tanny Hill either.  

-

“Don’t move!”  

You hit the wall, hands up as you watched Shoupe push Rafe against the counter, Thomas’ gun trained on your boyfriend. Another cop kept their gun on you as you watched them handcuff Rafe, zip ties a little too tight.  

“What’s going on?”

“Don’t move.” The cop in front of you repeated Shoupe’s warning, holding her gun steady as she stared you down. You looked passed her where they were trying to lead Rafe away as he struggled, shouting about his dad and lawyers.

“Rafe!” You called his name but it was no use, he couldn’t seem to focus on anything that was happening as he fought against Shoupe, much less on you. The cop across from you held her hand out as if that was supposed to ease your nerves as she holstered her gun.  

“Miss, I need you to calm down.”

“I don’t understand, what’s happening?” Your voice sounded distant as you spoke, hysterical even.  

-

The door to the old white house opened and a dark-haired young woman stepped out, well-dressed and only half paying attention as she texted someone. A far cry from the thirteen-year-old you had once known.

“Wheezie...Louisa,” you smiled when she looked up, her own smile matching yours.  

“Thank god, you’re here. Thank you for coming.” She said, shoulders relaxing, “I just...don’t want to leave him alone.”

“I’m sure he appreciates you treating him like a baby.” You stepped inside the house after her, the entry way looking just the way it had the last time you were in the house.  

“Yeah, well, I don’t know what else to do, I don’t want him leaving the house.” She replied, “he’s in his room anyway.”

“Hope he stays there,” you mused, trading places with her as she moved to leave the house.  

“He’s been really depressed, I think,” she replied, “if it’s too much, you don’t have to stay.” She knew she was asking a lot but she didn’t know who else to ask. She didn’t speak to her mother anymore and her father had fled the OBX and America days before her 14th birthday. Sometimes Sarah stopped by but even that relationship was tense.  

“I’ll be fine Lousia, promise.”  

“Okay, I’ll text you on my way home,” she said.  

-

“He’s in his room.” Rose said, letting you into the house. She stood off to the side, barely interested in your presence and looking more annoyed than anything that she had to open the door.  

“Thanks,” you moved into the house passed her, waving to Wheezie when you spotted her in the other room. You hurried upstairs and down the hall to your boyfriend’s room, slipping inside and away from the rest of the household. Rafe’s room was like a sanctuary from the rest of his house and sometimes even from the rest of the island.  

He was still sleeping when you went in, beer bottles on the nightstand along with an ashtray, half smoked cigarettes, a bong and his lighter. You shut the door, locking it behind you and tiptoeing across the room so you wouldn’t wake him, though that was doubtful given the music coming from his stereo. If that didn’t wake, not much else could. He was stretched out almost diagonally on the bed, on his stomach, comforter twisted around his legs and pushed down to his waist. You toed off your sandals and climbed up on the bed on your knees, crawling over to your boyfriend and straddling him.  

You leaned down over him, brush hair away from his face and kissing below his ear. “Rafe, wake up.” You were supposed to be going to the island club with him and Topper and you definitely hadn’t woken up this early to sit around while your boyfriend slept.

He groaned and twisted his arm back to try and swat at you. “Go away.”

“Not a chance,” you laughed, trying to move away from his arm without getting off his back. “We have to go.”

“I’m not going,” he mumbled, pressing his face further into the bed.  

“You told Topper-”

“Fuck him,” he twisted, knocking you onto your side on the bed as he laid on his back. “Come here, I wanna sleep.”

“God, you are such a baby.” You teased, already giving in as you repositioned yourself to cuddle up beside him.  

-

You stood in the kitchen, reading through emails on your phone and fighting the urge to walk through the house. When Wheezie had let you in your first inclination had been to walk straight upstairs to Rafe’s bedroom the way you used to when you were younger.  

“God, of all the people I didn’t expect to see.” Rafe’s voice caught your attention and you looked up to find him standing in the entryway of the kitchen, sweatpants obscuring the house arrest anklet that he wore.  

“Wheezie asked me to be here.” You replied, looking away. Would she consider you still helpful if you went and sat in your car until she came home. Being here, with Rafe, was harder than you thought it would be. In the black and white world of what was good and what was bad you knew exactly how you felt. Peterkin had been more than good to your family the whole time you lived on the island and you had been horrified to discover someone had murdered her. Knowing that person was Rafe was asking you to choose who was more important.  

“That’s the only reason you’re here?” He asked, moving further into the kitchen.

You hadn’t ever let go of the feelings you had for Rafe though. He was your first boyfriend and you had weighed everyone else against him for a long time. “I’m not here for you.” You finally said.  

“What happened was a mistake,” Rafe said, “I wasn’t in my right mind.”

“You know what? I would’ve loved to buy that when I was a kid but I’m not anymore, you can’t sell me an excuse.”  

“So that’s how it’s gonna be?

“I told you Rafe,” You replied, taking a deep breath to steady yourself. This was all harder than you thought it would be, “I’m here because Wheezie asked me to be. I moved on, I have a life that doesn’t include you anymore. Yeah, when we were eighteen I thought you were it but I’m almost thirty...I’m not so naive now. I’ve got a kid, I’m getting married,” you shrugged, “I would do anything for your sister, she’s like my own, but I’m not still hanging onto you.”  

“Getting married huh?” He asked, “to someone around here?”

“Yeah.”  

“Who?”  

“It’s none of your business, actually. You’re not part of my life anymore.” You said.  

He nodded slowly, trying to steady his breathing and the pounding in his chest at your words. Finally, he grabbed a water bottle from the island, “I’ll be upstairs.”

“I’m sorry, you know, that things couldn’t have been different.” You admitted as he walked away, “I loved you...I loved being here with you, if things had been different...I’d love to think that we’d be together still but, I’m happy now.”

“Good for you.”  

You listened as the door to his bedroom slammed shut and closed your eyes, fighting back tears.  

-

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[jimimn]

HI ITS ME WHO'S NOT OVER JJK BLONDE SELFIE AND WILL NEVER BE -💫

HELLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO <33333333

HONESTLY ITS THE WAY YOH SAY SUCH NICE THINGS AND I DISAPPEAR FOR DAYS ON END BECAUSE INCONSISTENCY BLEEDS INTO EVERY CORNER OF MY LIFE FNEKALKD BUT I'M GETTING DONE WITH MY FIRST LEG OF EXAMS ON MONDAY SO YAY TO THAT!! OKAY I THINK WE'LL MOVE SLOWLY WITH BABY STEPS JUNGKOOK DROPPED SOME SELCAS JIMIN DROPPED SOME SELCAS IN THE WORDS OF THE LEGENDARY JEON JUNGKOOK ALL WE NEED NOW IS "together..BAM!" (THAT'S LITERALLY ONE OF MY FAVORITE MOMENTS EVER THE WAY HE SAYS IT 🤧)

YES IN THIS HOUSE WE SCREAM OVER JIMIN'S DISRESPECT HE IS THE PARAGON OF A MULTI-FACETED MAN THAT HAS US WRAPPED AROUND HIS FINGER. THE AUDACITY 😤

CHANEL X JIMIN LETS MAKE IT HAPPEN AND OMG THAT SELFIE THAT DROPPED?? SIR???? WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL?? I MEAN YES BH SAID LET'S DROP SELFIES IN BULK BUT THAT ONE PICTURE OF HIM IN BLACK(GREY? I DONT KNOW FHSKKAJF) WITH THE SHIRTS UNBUTTONED!!! THEM COLLARBONES ARE FREE AND THEY'RE THRIVING IN THE OPEN IN THAT ONE. ALSO HIS LIPS ARE SO PRETTY. OH GOD LITERALLY HE HAS THAT COCKY SMIRK ON HIS FACE WHEN HE KNOWS HE DOES HOT BOY SHIT LIKE SHUT UP OK YOU CANT DO THAT JAIL FOR U NDNSLSKAJJW

SUCH A FUCKING TEASE THATS RIGHT!! EVEN STRAIGHT MEN?? BRO LIKE HOW DO YOU HAVE ALL GENDERS JUST TRIPPING OVER THEMSELVES FOR YOU IT'S INSANE AND OMG MISS SHIVI HAVE YOU SEEN THAT ONE CLIP IN WHICH JIMIN HOLDS HIS GAZE WITH THESE MEN WHO LOOK AT HIM (i think it was bon voyage?) and when they cross each other he JUST SMIRKS AND RUNS HIS HAND THROUGH HIS HAIR LIKE YEAH OK ALEXA PLAY I'M SEXY AND I KNOW IT. AND YES I'LL LISTEN TO EVERYTHING YOU HAVE TO SAY ANYTIME 💗💗

12PM KST IS THE HOLY HOUR I TELL YOU ALTHOUGH I REMEMBER WAITING THE NIGHT BEFORE BE CAME OUT WAITING FOR SOMETHING TO COME AND BH WAS JUST LIKE "yea...no" OMG THAT'S AWESOME YOUR COUSIN'S VISITING YOU

HHFJDOSO YEAH IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE THEY DID THE JUMP ALTHOUGHHHH I'M POSITIVE THEY'LL DO SMTH COOL LIKE THAT IN THEIR CONCERTS BECAUSE THEIR PERFORMANCE QUALITY IS JUST.. THROUGH THE ROOF IT'S CRAZY!! WHEN THE PERFORM WINGS?? LIKE HOLY SHIT NO CHOREO NO POSITIONS JUST BTS RUNNING AROUND THE STAGE MAKING THE CROWD GO FERAL I LOVE EVERY WINGS PERFORMANCE SO MUCH MY SEROTONIN LEVELS ARE ALWAYS AT A HIGH THEN. OOHH MY GODDD BS&T IS REALLY THAT BITCH!!!! WHO'S DOING IT LIKE HER TODAY NO ONE IS EXACTLY. AND NOOOO I TOTALLY GET IT WE THINK ON THE SAME WAVELENGTH THAT ACCIDENT HAS THE SAME EFFECT ON ME. IF ONLY YOU'D TOLD ME THEN IN 2016 THAT THAT ACCIDENT WAS THE START OF SO MANY I'D BE PREPARED FOR EVERYTHING THAT FOLLOWED (see: him basically stripping himself that one serendipity performance. holy shit.)

FOR REAL THO CHRISTMAS LOVE DROPPED OUT OF NOWHERE AND DO YOU REMEMBER JIMIN SAYINF uUH iM nOt wORkInG oN a SoLo SoNg aT ThE mOmEnT heHe LIKE ALL MEN DO IS LIE OK AT THIS POINT. BYE. YES TAEHYUNG DID WARN US BUT ARMYS (LIKE MYSELF) PUT THEIR CLOWN WIGS ON AND THOUGHT IT WAS KTH1 LMAO. OMG I HOPE YOU DON'T SLEEP THROUGH ANY OF THEIR UPCOMING SONG RELEASES BUT I'M SURE IT'S THE BEST FEELING TO WAKE UP TO CHECK YOUR NOTIFS AND SEE "Big Hit Labels" BECAUSE THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE FIREEE. DUDE SERIOUSLY I NEED JIMIN TO GO LIVE AGAIN (although we've been well fed by namjoon for now🤧😌💗) LIKE THAT ONE YT LIVE WHERE HE SAID "O...M...G" SHUT UP STOP BEING SO CUTE I'M DHJSWLIFJWKALS

LMAO OKAY YEAH THAT'S VALID YOUR BLOG THEME IS BASICALLY ✨jimin✨ AND I LOVE THAT IT REALLY GRAVITATED ME AND YOUR URL OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDD YOUR BRAINNN 💆‍♀️💆‍♀️💆‍♀️💆‍♀️💆‍♀️

YES YES YES JIMIN IS SO PERFECT AND THE SOCK DOODLESSS 😭😭😭 oooo so when did you get into giffing? how did you start? BROOOOO YOUR URL'S ORIGIN STORY. I LOVE IT WOW YES IT'S DEFINITELY GOT THE REQUIRED ✨pazzaz✨

NOOO OMG THIS URL IS YOUR BRAND LIKE YOU'RE A LEGEND ON ARMYBLR I LOVE IT SO MUCH. BUT STILL!! IT'S YOUR CHOICE AT THE END 💖

OMG QUARANTINE DID IT'S ONE GOOD JOB AND GOT YOU INTO BANGTAN YAY. OMG YOU AND MISS LIFEGOESMON ARE FRIENDSS??? LEGENDS INTERACTING THIS IS SO COOL. LMAO THE PARADIGM SHIFT YOU MUST'VE FELT FROM LISTENING TO STAY GOLD (WHICH BTW THE MV...THE LITERAL CUTEST OH GOD THE LITTLE DOG AND JIMIN'S LITTLE SMILES DHSJAOWO) TO THEN GOING TO BST IN WHICH JIMIN IS BASICALLY STRIPPING AND JUNGKOOK IS UPSIDE DOWN LMAOOO. YES BS&T HAS EVERYONE HOOKED THE POWERRRR. YOU FALLING DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE WITH YOUR FRIEND'S ASSISTANCE OH GOD THIS IS SO CUTE 💓 EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM 🥺🥺🥺

AAAAH OKAY MY STORY ISN'T AS INTERESTING AS YOURS IS BUT IN 2016 BASICALLY ALL I KNEW OF KPOP WAS GANGNAM STYLE AND WASNT WILLING TO CUANGE THAT PERCEPTION (FOOL BEHAVIOUR I TELL YOU) AND WAS TOO BUSY OBSESSING OVER ONE DIRECTION'S REUNION AND SO ONE NIGHT (THE NIGHT BEFORE JIMIN'S BIRTHDAY 🤧���) I JUST STUMBLED UPON THEIR BS&T TEARS MV AND I HEARD IT AND I WAS LIKE OMG!! THIS IS THAT SUPER ADDICTIVE SONG THAT I'D HEARD SOMEWHERE AND IT JUST SPIRALLED FROM THERE I REMEMBER SEEING JIMIN AND BEING LIKE 👀👀👀👀 WHO IS HE I LIKE HIM AND JUST HIS AURA DREW ME IN SOOO MUCH AND WHEN I WAS GETTING INTO THEM I REMEMBER WRITING THEIR NAMES IN MY NOTES TO SEE IF I COULD REMEMBER 🤧 AND I STILL HAVE THAT NOTE FROM 4+ YEARS AGO 💓 AND YEAH BASICALLY SEEING THEM DO ALL THE MUSIC SHOWS AND STUFF AT THE TIME WAS SO COOOL AND MIND YOU BH DIDN'T HAVE SUBS FOR BANGTAN BOMBS THEN SO WENT ON THESE SKETCHY DAILYMOTION TYPE SITES LOOKING FOR ALL THE CONTENT I COULD CHURN OUT LMAO

AND YES!! COURTESY OF YOU I DID WATCH SOME RUN EPS!! I WATCHED THEIR CANADA ONES SPEAKING OF WHICH I LOOOVE THAT PART WHERE THEY'RE DOING THAT SONG GUESSING THING IN THE MORNING AND JIMIN SAYS "are you cold?" 🥺🥺 TO TAE AND HUGS HIM URRHRHEHSJSJSH AND I ALSO SAW THE ONES WITH THE PUPPIES GODDDDD I LOVE THE PUPPIES ONE SO MUCH LITERALLY JUNGKOOK AND HIS DOG (MIRI?) OH MY GOD THAT LIL FLUFFER AND ADAM IS MY ICON WITH HOW HE JUST DID HIS OWN THING LMAO.

BUT ANYWAY!! DO YOU HAVE A FAVE ERA?? LIKE DO YOU EVER LOOK AT THEM AND GO "Damn I wish I was a fan then" BECAUSE HONESTLY I WISH I HAD STANNED THEM IN THEIR DOPE ERA BUT I DON'T THINK I WOULD HAVE SURVIVED JIMIN THEN DHKSOWID-💫

FOR THE UMPTEENTH TIME!!!!!!! ITS OKAY!!!!!!!! I TOTALLY TOTALLY UNDERSTAND!!!!! AND YAYYYYY CONGRATS I HOPE THE FIRST LEG OF EXAMS WENT WELL <333333 AND OH MY GOD you’re gonna make me cry with the together baam goddddddd same one of my fave moments and jimin’s giggles after that 😭😭😭😭 my babies <3 :((((

that..... black suit selca....... that opened button...... like open one more dear sir who’s stopping you... just do it <33333 YEAH he totally needs to shut up with his i know im hot side it just kills me every single time 😭😭😭😭😭

LISTEN THAT BV3 MOMENT  S H O O K  ME OKAY????? THOSE GUYS LOOKED AT HIM AND HE WAS SO FUCKING SMUG ABOUT IT (AND HE SHOULD BE) AND THE WAY HE LICKED HIS LIPS AND RAN HIS HANDS THROUGH HIS HAIR????? LIKE HE KNOWS HE HAS EVERY SINGLE PERSON; NO MATTER WHAT GENDER; WRAPPED AROUND HIS LIL PINKY LIKE THAT???????

OH MY GOD ME TOO I LOVEEEEEEEEEEE THE WINGS STAGE AND WATCHING THEM HAVE SO MUCH FUN IS JUST SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I ALSO ABSOLUTELY LOVVVEEE THEIR ENERGY DURING THE SY TOUR MEDLEY WITH IDOL AND BAEPSAE AND FIRE AND DOPE ZSXDFGFCHGVJBHJN THEY JUST LOSE THEMSELVES IN THE CROWD AND THE MUSIC AND ITS JUST SO FUCKING SURREAL TO WATCH HOW MUCH THEY ENJOY DOING WHAT THEY DO!!!!! kinda makes me want to find that happiness and passion in whatever i do in my professional life <3 and LISTEN jimin said the break the soul commentary THAT HE COULD DO SERENDIPITY SHIRTLESS TOO. THE AUDACITY. HE SAID THAT WITH HIS WHOLE CHEST. 

YOU KNWO WHAT I THINK JIMIN WON’T GIVE US A HINT BEFORE DROPPING PJM1. HE’LL JUST DROP IT ONE FINE DAY OUT OF NOWHERE LIKE HE DROPPED PROMISE AND CHRISTMAS LOVE (i wasn’t here when he dropped promise but i read that on twitter sdfghjkl) AND NO PLS NO I DO N O T WANT TO SLEEP THROUGH JJK1 OR KTH1 OR PJM1 OR KSJ1 OR NAMGI MIXTAPE 3 OR HOBI MIXTAPE 2 OR ANYTHING BASICALLY YOU GET IT i had slept through dynamite cb because i had NO CLUE that they were gonna drop it at 1pm kst rather than 12 am kst. i was under the impression that since they dropped all the teaser pictures and the teaser itself as 12 am kst, the mv will drop at 12 am kst too. and I woke up like two hours after the mv dropped (which was almost noon my time) and i felt like A FUCKING FOOL AND I JUST 😭😭😭😭 NEVER WANT TO FEEL LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN 😭😭😭 

AND YES BABIE NEEDS TO COME LIVE SOON PLS I MISS HIM SO FUCKING MUCH :((((( AND HIS O...M.....G HAD MADE ME FUCKING SOBBBBBBBBBBB his yt live god he looked sooooooo fluffy with his hair and his tiny hands and his puppy eyes and soft voice im just so 😭😭😭😭😭😭

NO NONNONONONO PLEASE IM NO LEGEND DON’T SAY THAT IM EMBARRASSED im just a normal fangirl who makes okayish gifs 😭😭 and ok yes so i started giffing LONNNGGGGGG time back on a different public fan forum from my country but i never knew the right process and stuff so obviously the gifs were shitty lmao BUT ANYWAY i got into gifmaking PROPERLY this in july last year and obviously struggled a lot in the beginning because i didn’t know shit about colouring and stuff lmao but i kept practicing and even though im not perfect rn i do think that i got better. i love giffing tho. its such a nice creative outlet and whenever i gif the boys it brings me so much happiness :( <33

AND YES ASDFGHJKL ME AND HER ARE FRIENDS SINCE A VERY LONG TIME SDFGHJK LIKE LONG BEFORE BOTH OF US GOT INTO BTS SDFGHJ and ah yes the whiplash lmaooooooo and you’re right god the stay gold mv is SO FUCKING PRETTY THE COLOURS IN THAT ENTIRE MV HELLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AND JIMIN AND TAE AND JOON WITH THE DOGGO JUST EVERYTHING SDFGHJK <3333333 AND BS&T DUDE I GIFFED THE MV YESTERDAY AND IM 💀💀💀💀💀 (like i just giffed jimin from the mv but i did watch the whole thing 5647589 times <333333) AND GUESS WHAT!!!!!! I WAS A LILLY SINGH FAN (IDK IF YOU KNOW HER SHE’S A YOUTUBER) BACK IN 2016 AND PEOPLE BACK THEN HAD REQUESTED HER TO REACT TO BS&T MV AND I HAD WATCHED HER REACTION VIDEO AND (although it didn’t stick with me back then because i was a fucking fool) I DID SOMEHOW REMEMBERED THE JIN AND STATUE KISSING MOMENT AND WHEN IN 2020 I SAW THE MV AND SAW THE KISSING MOMENT MY BRAIN JUST!!!!!!!!!!! I WAS LIKE HOLY SHIT I HAVE SEEN THIS BEFORE SOMEWHERE AND THEN I REMEMBERED I HAD SEEN THIS IN THE REACTION VIDEO LMAOOOOO i wish i hadn’t been a fool and gotten into them back then :((((

AH NO OMG YOUR STORY IS SOOOOOOO CUTEEEEEEEEEE ATLEAST YOU WEREN’T A FOOL LIKE ME TO NOT GET ATTRACTED TO BS&T THE FIRST TIME OF SEEING IT!!!! I WANNA HIT MY 2016 SELF LIKE DAMN YOU YOU FOOLISH ASSHOLE AND yes omg how did y’all do the subs thing damnnnnn i can’t imagine

AND YES THE CANADA RUN EPIS ARE LOOOVVVEEEE and that vmin moment plsssssss i cry everytime 😭😭😭😭😭 it is just so soft and innocent and tae’s little smile after jimin just turns around and hugs him 😔😔😔😔 i love soulmates 😔😔😔😔 AND MIRI YES OMG EVERYONE WAS SO IMPRESSED BY THE LITTLE CUTIE AND THE WAY JUNGKOOK JUST KEPT ADORING HER THROUGHOUT MADE ME SO SO SOFTTTT and bro adam is me. i am like that. lazy and un-motivated AF. although if i were a dog and jin were to be my owner i would listen to him so well and jump on him every chance i’d get 😌😌😌

GOD YES RED HAIR DOPE ERA JIMIN 💀 BABIE BUT MAKE IT SEXY 🥵🥵 AND OMG YESDGFHG MY FAVE ERA IS HYYH. ORANGE HAIRED JIMIN. PLS. HE’S EVERYTHING. I WISH I HAD GOTTEN INTO THEM DURING THAT. LIKE THAT ERA IS ..... SOMEHOW SO FUCKING WILD AND STILL SO ASSURING AND CALMING ????? KEEPS ME ROOTED LIKE IDK HOW TO EXPLAIN DFGHJKL AND WINGS TOO DAMN I WISH I WAS HERE TO LIVE ALL THOSE AMAZING ERAS. but even though i wish i had gotten into them earlier... i think i found them when i needed them the most. I was going through a very difficult time last year and they somehow they made me feel so fucking safe and at home that the connection was instant. honestly i’ve never stanned or felt a connection with any celebrity as strong as the one i feel with bangtan. its like... they don’t know i exist but they still know EXACTLY what im feeling and what to say or do at that time to make me feel comforted. Its weird god but its true :((( SORRY I GOT EMO I JUST LOVE THEM A LOT SDFGHJKL

[pyox1]

New Year - Cho Seungyoun

Hello! I’ve been wanting to write longer scenarios for a while now, and this is something kinda new for me so I hope you all enjoy it!! (I swear it gets better towards the end lol)

I hope the new year will only bring great things to each and everyone of you:))) Thank you all so much for supporting me and my works. It’s truly a dream come true.

Please give feedback if possible, I always love reading what you guys think:)

Genre : fluff, ANGSTY, (tinyyy bit suggestive)

Pairing : Seungyoun x reader

Word count : 1,5k

(there’s literally no correlation with the gif and this imagine pls don’t mind me askjdkds)

“(Y/n)?”

You didn’t even need to turn around to know who the owner of that voice was, since you could distinguish it apart from millions. Hearing the door being shut, steps made their way next to you. Through your flowing hair, you saw Seungyoun’s enticing figure stand against the metallic fence. He wasn’t looking at you, seemingly too engrossed into the city’s late night view.

“What brings you here? Tired of the crowd?” The way that it slipped out of your mouth could’ve made it seem like it was a reproach. The black haired boy snickered, before letting out a sigh. If you knew better it could have almost sounded as if he was sad.

“Yeah, you could say something like that.” Even with the door closed behind you, the loud music and obnoxious cheering were still very apparent. Nevertheless, you couldn’t expect anything else from a new year’s eve party. It was tradition that your friend Hangyul threw a huge party on new year’s eve, inviting each year more and more people to get shit faced. Usually, you wouldn’t mind getting blackout drunk with a couple strangers, but this year seemed different. It felt like something was missing. Maybe it was the fact that you were once again, alone, with no one to kiss when the clock strikes midnight. Or maybe it was the fact that the one you wanted to lock lips with was standing there next to you, unattainable.

“I was looking for you.” His eyes continued to gaze upon the illuminated buildings, while his voice sounded just as distant. It didn’t seem like he was waiting for an answer, so you stayed silent. He huffed, his hands shuffling through his hair. It was one of the signs that indicated that he wanted to say something, without knowing how to express it. Sometimes you felt like you knew him too well to only be his friend.

“You look gorgeous tonight, you know.” This time, his eyes were on you. Your words got stuck in your throat, taken aback. This wasn’t anything new. Seungyoun always knew what to say to get a reaction from you.

“Don’t say stuff like that.” You giggled nervously, staring at the hem of your dress. He inched himself closer, enough so that you could feel his black jeans rub against your naked thighs. Your stomach tightened at the contact.

“Why not?” The smirk in his tone was evident. Seeing you all giddy for him drove him insane. If only he had the guts to tell you.

“You know you can’t.” You whispered, your small smile disappearing. For a second, he froze, realization washing over his pupils. “This is wrong Seungyoun.” It seemed like he understood. For a moment, you even thought that he was going to go back in.

“Then tell me,” His hand grazed over your lower back before setting itself on your hip, his touch sending shivers down your spine. “Why does it feel so right when we’re this close?”

“Seungyoun…” The way your cold body reacted to his warmth almost made you pass out. He nuzzled his face in your neck, his nose tickling your skin. Automatically, you pressed yourself closer, craving his touch. He laughed, the sound muffled by your skin. His hands massaged the flesh of your hips, enjoying the gasps that escaped your lips when he occasionally groped your bottom. Any sane thought had now left your mind. You were getting lost in the way his breath fanned over your ear, the way his arms held you tightly and the way he was slowly starting to grind against you. Everything felt surreal. It was only when his fingers made their way under your dress that you knew you couldn’t go all the way with this.

“Stop,” When pushing him away, he didn’t try to hold you back. Emotions taking over you, tears started to fog your vision. “Why are you doing this to me?” You didn’t need to explain yourself for him to understand you. He knew what you meant, and it pained him. Tears sliding down your rosy cheeks, Seungyoun’s felt his heart rip in half.

“Please (y/n)… Don’t cry.” He said, while stepping cautiously towards you. It was barely audible but you were almost sure that you had heard his voice crack. When he saw that you weren’t going to back away, he engulfed you in his arms. This time, there was nothing sexual about it. You let yourself sob into his chest, his hands caressing your hair at the same time. “Look at me (y/n),” His hands cupped your face, holding eye contact. “I can’t keep looking at you without knowing that you aren’t mine to hold onto every night. I want to be able to go on dates with you, to hold your hand whenever I want to. I want to be the reason you laugh out loud, not cry.” His thumb circled over your cheekbone.

“Don’t make me believe in something that’s impossible.” You croaked weakly.

“I swear, everything will get better. I’ll work things out, don’t you worry. I know the situation isn’t the best right now but I can’t stop myself from telling you how I truly feel about you.” A single tear ran down his eye.

The echoes of laughs and screams coming from the house suddenly grew louder. Quickly checking your phone, you noticed the time.

11:59

You could now hear a very clear countdown. It was almost as if the whole city was shouting at the same time, impatiently waiting for the new year.

“3,” Your thumb slipped over Seungyoun’s face, wiping away his tear.

“2,” He then smiled at you. The most heartbreaking smile you had ever seen.

“1,” The moon shining on him, he literally glowed of ethereal beauty. Your heart raced in your thoracic cage. You could’ve sworn that you felt Seungyoun’s heart beat faster against yours as well.

“Happy new year!” Just like that, his lips were on yours. His lips were soft and demanding. Passion and sadness mixed together, he wanted to show you just how much you meant to him. You could still taste the saltiness of his tears when his tongue passed over your bottom lip. Teeth clashing, the both of you were desperate, wanting to eternalize the moment for the longest time possible. Your hands reached up to his hair, pulling at his roots, eliciting a small moan from him. You savored everything you could; his touch, his taste, his scent. It was all so intoxicating.

When you finally pulled away, Seungyoun kissed your for head softly.

“Seungyoun, I love you.” The words had left your mouth before you could even process them.

“I-”

“Seungie?” All of the sudden, the warmth you previously felt around your body had faded into thin air. The boy before you cleared his throat, flattening his shirt. There, holding the balcony door open, stood a beautiful girl wearing one of the sexiest dresses you had ever seen.

“Sorry sweetie, I just needed some fresh air.” The small girl waved around a red cup, clearly already drunk. She frowned, staring at the both of you. Somewhere, you hoped that she’d noticed how flushed the both of you were. You wanted her to call him out, but that wouldn’t happen of course. That would be too good to be true.

“You didn’t even kiss me when the ball dropped” She whined. Seungyoun laughed bitterly, looking everywhere but your direction. Maybe he was relieved that she hadn’t noticed.

“I’ll make it up to you babe.”

“Come in now, you’re gonna catch a cold if you stay outside for so long. Plus, it’s getting kinda lonely in here.” She winked at him, biting her lip. He walked over to her, but not before shooting you an apologetic smile, which made you want to scoff. How dared he? He had just confessed his heart out to you, and now he was acting as if he was speaking to a stranger. Before he could close the door, he told you those words that you wished you hadn’t heard.

“I’m sorry. I love you.”

This is why you and Seungyoun will never be a thing. He has already made so many promises, all of them staying unfulfilled. You hated that you thought that tonight would’ve been different. You hated how he still gave you hope.

And above anything else, you hated how deeply in love you were with him.

[dulharpa]

this is for hayley! @whistlingwillows a dear friend <3333

it’s meant to be a birthday present haha. i just want to shower you in love;;; so thought maybe i could go through as many of your fics and comment on them :^)))

(TO EVERYONE ELSE: please go to @whistlingwillows blog and read her fics!!! they are SO FCKIN GOOD AND AMAZING AND UGH HER MIND (it’s a lot of mcu and her bucky and steve fics are a*. i DEFINITELY RECOMMEND))

i wish you a VERY happy birthday and i hope we stay friends for many more years <3333333333 

i’m going through your masterlist heehee ;)))

ah first off, nice theme! i never could rlly see it before because i’m always on mobile heehee. also sorry for not reviewing them before??? i don’t usually read fics on tumblr as you’ve probably guessed;;

anyways, IM GON REVIEW THE SHIT OUT OF THESE >:DDDD

far from home -  bucky x stark sister!reader

firstly, i like how youre introducing the reader from buckys pov, like you can sort of already gather what shes like from them

‘Bucky can hear Tony’s soft inhale, feel the intensity of the man’s glare directed at Steve. He shouldn’t be eavesdropping, but a twitch of muscle would be enough to alert both men that he’s here. With the amount of tension crackling in the air, a brush against the wall would be equivalent to a thousand cymbals crashing in cacophony.’

IM CRYING ALREADY. the imagery in here is GLORIOUS. your tone here is so fitting! oo and the alliteration here is perfecto

ooooooo!! the backstory coming in  👀👀

‘despite what some people think that Steve and Captain America are two different personas, there will always be parts of Steve in the Avenger, and parts of the Avenger in Steve. They both want to believe in something good. They are, after all, one in the same.// Just as how Bucky and the Winter Soldier are the same man despite everything. HYDRA simply amplified the hate, fertilized the seeds of rage, curated the quiet thunder within his soul, within James Buchanan Barnes so that the Winter Soldier could thrive.’

yIKES! lol this is very character study like! nICE. it hurts tho, my poor children, i love you both 

oo ‘starlight eyes’ that is a very nice way of describing them

‘“Then what was London?” The protesters. “São Paulo?” The earthquake. “Vancouver?” Freezing cold water.//“Look, I care if Stark’s gonna run us over trying to find her. I care enough because she’s part of our team. Come off it, Steve. I know she can take care of herself. I’m gonna take a nap. Dr. Cho said no partying post-Singapore and what do you know, we throw the biggest party ever.’

ooo singapore uwu and london? (coincidence? haha jkjk) and the hints abt reader and buckys background are so good?? but so annoying??? like i just wanna KNOW yknow?? 

‘The water runs copper and the sting bites at his palm as he tries not to think. Tries to focus on the numbing cold that runs over his skin.’ 

your imagery is so vivid?? im actually in awe??? i am so regretful i havent kept reading your fics. like i know they are amazing, i just keep putting them off??? idk man. hopefully this makes up for it (gd tho, im still not done with commenting on one fic. this is what im doing with my motivation teehee ;)

‘ He feels weak. Tired. He wants to go back to bed but he also wants to stay out in the sun for a few hours more. The sun kisses his skin through the windows and he squints against the blue sky, wondering ‘

mood during this quarantine lol

‘“Oh, right.” Your voice is flat, uninterested, cold, as you stare at him. “You killed my parents.”Shit.‘

 OUCH LMAO THATS C O L D, O GOT +100 PHYSIC DAMAGE FROM JUST READING THAT

ooo robin as a nickname noice. very much gives me batman vibes lol

oh! and the way of doing the ‘flashback’ is neat! very original. it both tells us what happened AND buckys reaction to it again. he can re-analyse himself and reader. very cool

‘If you walk away now, don’t bother coming back!” Silence. Bucky can hear his own strained breathing, your soft sigh as you soaked in his ultimatum.’

👀👀 yikes that ultimatum. :// not good bucky. tbf theyre both trying to hurt each other but Yikes

eyy!!! readers pov!! finally! and the switch after we find out the outsiders pov? brilliant

oh no :(( more angst

‘When’s the last time you saw your therapist?”“Don’t have one. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself.”’ they BOTH need therapists;;;;

very good fic!!! :DD they rlly do hate each other! i definitely like how you went back and forth with the timeline! it gave me a v strong idea on what yn was like even before we rlly got introduced. i am now very curious on where reader is? i love your characterisations! 

i will read the 10k+ fics but heck the last one took me ages lolol (i will comment in the future tho!! i promise <3 ) (that took me over an hour jjhghgdjh)

slipping away- amnesiac modern bucky x reader

omg,,, AMNESIA! >:DDDDDD

‘ Put your fucking seatbelt on’

oh no, istg theyre going to have a car crash arent they (’ doesn’t put the seatbelt on to spite you.’ NO PLEASE PUT IT ON U DUMBASS)

ok,,,,, at LEAST he put it on before he got hit, thank heck. but still. youre so cruel to your poor characters lmaoo

oh gosh

‘You fall apart slowly, like pieces of you peeling away until you’re nothing more than your broken heart. The sobs that wrack your body are relentless and you shove your forearm into your mouth to muffle your cries. You want to bite into your skin. You want to distract yourself from the agony tearing you to shreds. You want to feel anything but the pain.///Tears sweep into your hair, cloud your vision and your whole face floods with heat as you try to breathe through the pain. You’re cleaved into pieces on that bed, eyes squeezed shut as the tears keep flowing, and your throat burns’

this hurts damn, it is so vivid?? i can really feel it 

i am so glad you got into writing yk?? so glad

NO PLS, TELL HIM. TELL HIM :((( ‘shes nice once you get to know her?? shes known nat for years now!! years!!

oh god ‘he looks younger without the burden of your time together’ this is so angsty omg

‘Well, he was stumbling through his apology and I just let him finish.” Your body fills with warmth as you remember his embarrassed smile, the way he shoved his baseball cap farther down his head, chin tucked to his chest, trying to hide that face. “When he was done, I opened my mouth to say something polite but what came out was ‘You look like someone I’d very much like to kiss’.”

this is so soft i stg im crying in the club

OH SHITTTTTTTTTTT , you left it off like that!!! thats so cruel!!!! i can’t!!! how dare you!!!! :””””””((( im typing this with tears in my eyes ill have u know!!

anyway!!! very good fic!! you could honestly make that into a longfic very easily lol. i felt too many emotions :(( 

i was just about to say where is the fluff!! where is it!! when i saw the next one and yay :))) pls i cant have more angsty stuff rn

.

cookies and rings and things bucky and reader

‘how much do you love me?’ ‘count the snowflakes, multiply by a million’

did you have to start the fic off with such a SOFT line? its so soft! so TENDER 

‘He wonders what kinda insane person wears socks without any clothes on, but then decides that it’s the kind of person who’s fallen in love with him.’  jesus, the soft moments filled with love are the greatest <3

you can write fluff so well, whyd you have to pain me with all that angst ;””””) (1/10 hurt, 9/10 comfort is the way to go lolol) (jkjk ill read the angsty ones too when i have the spoons) (gonna reread that hydra steve one and ik thatll fuck me UP)

‘ Then, he can feel the cold metal of the ring she slid onto her own finger less than twenty-four hours ago and realizes that he had thought a lot of things shouldn’t be possible, and yet they still are. ‘

you literally brought me to tears reading this softness, you have truly found my weakness

‘ She’s so damn gorgeous with flour on her face and eye bags beneath her eyes that he’s sure she will inevitably make his heart burst ‘

he already likes her so much! i can’t believe this is affecting me so much :’)

‘Bucky is quite sure Sam is in love with his girlfriend in the fact that he’s in love with the fact that his girlfriend is possibly in love with Bucky’

this is so soft??? sam loves reader bc reader loves bucky sm. pls my hear <3333

you do fluff SO WELL DAMN 

‘F.R.I.D.A.Y.’s voice echoes in his small little perch and he still thinks it’s weird without having the side effect of Stark in his suit chasing after him to hear the A.I. but he shoves that uncomfortable feeling of the dead man out of his head. That is too much regret to unpack right now on a mission. ‘

yike bringing back that reminder oof

but thats so soft??? (i am def overusing soft but,,,,, i love it and the vibe) she sent him cookies! god i can feel the love  

‘She expresses her feelings through cooking, which Bucky has learnt the hard way. One time, they got into an argument over something stupid—he can’t even remember what started it—and came to the kitchen at 2AM to see her sitting at the kitchen island crying her eyes out and surrounded by baskets of muffins.’

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 my hEART

you show how much they love each other in so many ways??? i am dying

“Alright, I like it.” Rolling his eyes, he pecks her forehead and she smiles victoriously. It’s so adorable that Bucky, with less than three hours of sleep, adds, “God, I want to marry you.//”“What?”//Oh.Shit.

oh my god! i am literally tearing up!!! AGAIN!!!!!!!!

oh shit o am literally crying

your fluff got me crying harder than your angst i hope youre happy

I really hope you enjoy reading this?? i keep forgetting to like text you but i wanted to do something for your birthday. especially in quarantine when everythings gone crazy. one year i swear ill do something REALLY good for you. not making promises bc i hate if i dont. but ill like, learn how to podfic because you D E S E R V E  I T 

ive spent like three hours doing this lolol 

thank you so much for everything hayley!

[presleepthoughts]

Pretty pls with a cherry on top, have a part 2 for the sweater fic? 🖤👀

😊 You wanted another one, I wrote another one. Sorry for being absent. 

Ps. Thank you so much for 900 followers. I can’t believe 900 of you follows me and reads my stuff. It’s insane. Thanks guys 😘 I appreciate it

The dining room feels cold and empty, just how she predicted it. Her salmonis bland and the rice is hard as she pushes it around on the flower decoratedplate. Her Father is eating vigorously across from her, unaware of theuncomfortable silence that fall over the table since the moment they sat down.The step-mother just keeps glancing at her and Beca can see she wants to saysomething but she’s too shy to start the conversation. 

This is why, ladies andgentlemen, Beca didn’t want to come. 

She knew this wouldhappen and she fears the next two weeks would look exactly like this. 

And this is her firstnight! Someone get her out of here.

“I bet the girls are having a clichepillow fight or something.” The thought makes her smile just thetiniest bit and despite her utter disgust at the thought of actually takingpart in the act, she would choose it over this any day. She bets Stacie had todo another batch of booze and it wouldn’t take long until thelatest chick-flick finds its way to the TV. If she’s honest with herself, shelongs to be there.

To see Fat Amy plantherself down on the love-seat, spreading herself out so nobody could sit nextto her. Throwing a blanket to Ashley and Jessica who would cuddle on the floorwhile Emily would sit on the very edge of the couch, ready to spring up whenthe popcorn is done. Beca would sit in the middle, with her legs pulled upclose to her chest and try to find a position where she could hide her phonefrom plane sight and play Angry Birds instead of watching. Hear Chloe humdisapprovingly before she would toss her sour gummy worms and sit down next toher in her sweater then - 

Wait. Fuck.

Chloe borrowed hersweater. Chloe Beale, her crush for the last three years, the girl she was in lovewith since the moment she met her, borrowed her sweater. Because she said itsmelled like her. And she’s probably wearing it, right now. 

Beca’s throat issuddenly dry and she downs half her cup of water.

The lights are dimmed and the music is turned down low as Chloe makes her way down the stairs. 

Beca has left for fours hours now and the redhead couldn’t find it in herself to join the girls and force a smile on her face when she doesn’t feel like it. Honestly, she is sad. Sad that Beca wouldn’t be with them - with her - for two weeks. Sad to know she wouldn’t find her up in her room, feverishly abusing the keyboard of her computer and trying to tear her away. 

It didn’t help matters that she is drunk - heavily tipsy at best - and she feels like the alcohol makes things worse. She just wants Beca back. To see her roll her eyes with pretended annoyance while a grin graces her lips. Her deep blue eyes meeting hers and being locked in her gaze. 

Chloe sighs. 

The soft material of Beca’s sweater offers minimal comfort as she pulls up the clothes to her nose and inhales deeply. Suddenly Beca’s familiar scent hits her senses and she can’t help the small smile appearing on her face, the image of the girl popping into her mind. She plans to wear it for as long as she can.

“Captain C!” 

Cynthia-Rose’s yell makes Chloe glance up, seeing the girls all sitting on the floor sipping their various drinks and smiling at her. 

Chloe returns the gesture but it falls a little flat and Emily instantly notice it. 

“What’s wrong?” She asks innocently and Chloe honestly just don’t want to talk about it. She fixes her smile until it looks perfect and walks to the girls, sitting down besides Flo and Fat Amy. 

“Nothing, Legacy. I’m fine.” She answers as truthfully as she can and leans her back against the couch. She notices Stacie’s head tilt to the side and her eyes narrows as she checks her out and Chloe tears her gaze away. 

Stacie is the only one who knows how she feels about Beca. After a very bad birthday party where Beca ended up leaving with somebody, Stacie accidentally walked in on Chloe crying in the bathroom and wouldn’t leave until she knew what happened. Since then, the brunette had been the best friend Chloe could’ve asked for. She was always there to listen to the redhead’s frustrated rants or a shoulder to cry on whenever Chloe needed her to be. 

And Chloe knows that Stacie sees through her act. She just hopes she wouldn’t call her out on it in front of everybody.

“Girls?” Stacie calls out and everybody’s attention snaps to the girl, including Chloe. And the redhead doesn’t like the glint that suddenly appeared in her eyes. She’s planning something.

“Why don’t we get this party started with some games, huh?” Stacie smirks, looking around the circle before settling on Chloe. “Truth or dare?” She wiggles her eyebrows and laughs when the rest of the girls agree urgently. Chloe swallows. 

“I don’t think I want to…” Chloe tries to come up with an excuse quickly before she gets sucked into something that could only end up in disaster. And she knows, with everything she has, that Stacie is up to something. 

“Oh nonsense.” Stacie waves her hand dismissively and leans on her hands, handing Chloe her cup. “Let loose. You deserve it.” She winks playfully and sits back down, but not before pulling out her phone from her back pocket.

Chloe glances around at the anticipating faces and sighs.

Fuck it. She downs the entire glass before nodding. 

Beca wakes up with the start. Her mind is heavy with sleep and she struggles to get it cleared. Loud buzzing coming from her bedside draw snaps her out of it and she reaches for the device. Squinting at the way too bright screen, Beca opens up the text Stacie had sent just a minute ago.

COME HOME NOW!

Beca instantly sits up in the bed, almost dropping her phone in the process. She’s wide awake now as her heart starts to beat faster. She couldn’t type out a reply faster.

What happened? What’s wrong? Is everybody okay? 

She springs out from the bed without waiting for an answer, eagerly searching for some clothes. Obviously something terrible happened, somebody is dying or…something. She has jeans pulled up on one leg when Stacie replies. Beca almost falls on her face at her speed to get to the phone.

Just watch this. Then come home as soon as you can!

Beca is officially confused. Watch what? She asks herself ridiculously as she stands in the middle of her childhood bedroom, with a t-shirt hanging from her shoulders and jeans covering one of her leg. 

In a millisecond, a video pops up in the text. Beca frowns deeply as she hits play. 

As the video plays out in front of her, Beca starts to slowly lower herself down on the bed. She can’t believe this. 

When it stops, Beca’s hands are shaking and her heart is beating out of her chest. She swallows carefully and types out a simple question.

is this real?

Stacie doesn’t make her wait for long.

Yes. 

Now come home and get your girl! 

It is nearing 4 pm when Beca pays the taxi driver and finally gets out from the car. She looks at the dark house that she has been calling home for the last two years and she has never been more terrified to enter it. 

Opening up the door, she hears soft voices coming from the living room and her hands shake as she walks inside. 

The TV is on low, playing an old musical that Beca hadn’t seen before and she sees the girls spreading out on the furniture, some of them asleep while the others sing along tiredly. Despite feeling extremely nervous, her lips tug up into a soft smile at the scene, remembering that she imagined just this mere hours ago. 

Stacie catches her eyes before an easy smile appears on her face. 

“You made it.” She says softly but loud enough for everybody to hear. The sense of calmness that wrapped itself around Beca for just ten seconds had completely disappeared when heads turn towards her direction. She’s not ready for this.

And Beca definitely isn’t ready when the bluest eyes she has ever seen lock onto hers before widening in surprise.

“Becs?” The nickname fills her with warmth and something she could only describe as love as Chloe pushes herself up from the couch and walks closer to the brunette.

Beca had prepared for this. All two hours of traveling has been filled with her mind turning over and over and over with words, with expression, anything to finally let Chloe know how she feels. But when the redhead stops in front of her, with her eyes all soft and caring, happy that she’s home, all the words got stuck inside her throat. 

Her eyes drop to the familiar sweater that she can’t help but think looks much better on Chloe than it would ever on her. She struggled to believe that video, refusing to get her hopes up even after hearing Chloe say her name and those magical three words after it. Even with proof, hard evidence, Beca still convinced herself it was just a mistake. Chloe’s drunk…she says stuff like that all the time.

But when she lifts her eyes up to meet Chloe’s, the alcohol is long gone and Beca can’t see anything but love. 

And she’s officially done. 

Done with this whole secret thing, done with the hiding and done with being afraid. She won’t let it control her life anymore.

So, she steps up closer to Chloe and looks deep into her eyes, saying the words she wanted to say forever.

“I’m in love with you, too.” 

She watches as Chloe’s mouth part slightly but she doesn’t let her react. She waited for this long enough. 

With a confident move, she captures Chloe’s lips with her own, kissing her with everything she has. It doesn’t take long until she feels Chloe kiss her back. 

The girls starts to hoot loudly and in the middle of this hazard, Beca hears Emily tiredly asking Stacie what’s going on. 

“She did it, Legacy. She finally did it.” 

Beca smiles into the kiss but she wouldn’t let go of Chloe for anything.

The End.

[sunkissedpages]

dude i- am so fucking sorry i literally SUCK. sorry i never answered you but i was literally drowning in school and mental health and my own tears and then i broke my wrist like 2 weeks ago so i never really got around to answer your question about my dream! buckle up, it’s a long one (that’s what she said (i’m so sorry.. i hate me too)) aNyWaY so we were in the airport all of the sudden and like we lost our baggage and everything but we got on our flight to la anyway and then there was this 1/?

child and it kept screaming and crying and when we landed i kicked it down the stairs and it just laid there on the ground and everyone thought it was dead and everyone’s just starring at me and u slowly backed out like “idk this bitch” but the child was alive and everything was fine. so after a while we got to the hotel and we wanted to nap and i got this call from cody asking if we would be down to meet up with him and kelsey (we said yes obviously) so we went to their place ‘n i fell asleep on their couch and you and cody drew all over my face and put it on instagram ‘n shit. later noel came over and we just talked and we started to talk about avengers and we geeked about it and noel was like “yo kaili, that tom holland as ur homescreen?” and u were like “it’s not what it looks like pls don’t tell my gf” and cody nonchalantly “we just filmed with him, wanted to come around later, wanna meet him?” duh. and they were asking us about our luggage and shit so we told them we lost it they gave us all their new merch like EVERYTHING and we were like “sick” so we got all mushy and u just looked at me going “remember when u gave me that hoodie and surprised me?” and on cue we all went “SUGAR GAY” and it was such a lovely time and we filmed some stuff did some podcast shit and then we met with tom holland and the tmg boys and it was a DREAM tom looked so good and we were all drunk and told stories and giggling and it was such a GOOD TIME AH. so after a while we said our goodbyes to tom and he gave me his number telling me to text him for breakfast the next day and noel was like let’s crash at my place tonight so we all went to his and we watched hsm 2 and aleena went on this whole ass rant how chad said he didn’t dance nor sing but did it all the way since the first movie and then i woke up again )): but i had a similar dream not too long ago and ugh! those are the best dreams. but can we talk ab the fact that i have my own tag on here? it makes me soft oh and recently i saw something and i was like “i needa text kaili!” but then i remember i’m ur cody anon and u don’t know who i am lol but when u reblogged that post with the pfp for ur cody and noel bff and u said “me and my cody anon” bro i still think ab it to this day. and my ocd is super bad as well but i hope ur on christmas break soon/already? and you get all the love u deserve? and ur happy? and doing good? i love u dude. BTW can we talk ab chili??? THEYRE THE CUTEST AND i would die for them! ok i think that’s it (sorry if you got some asks like 7 times but idk if tumblr actually sent them the first time bc it’s being a bitch rn and i probably forgot to say something after the first time writing these so im sorry )): ahhh i’m going insane) bye now and love u lots -cody

yoooo i’ve been wondering where you’ve been bro!! YOU BROKE YOUR WRIST??? are you good?? and YOU KICKED A CHILD DOWN THE STAIRS IN YOUR DREAM??? HELLO?? what am i gonna do with you omg... oh also i was on the phone with my gf when you sent the asks and i read the part about the tom holland stuff and “please don’t tell my gf” to her and she was like “like i don’t already know” which i mean... true. but wow that sounds like such a great dream :’) (the ones with me always do ahaha (kidding)). also i did see chili and i can confirm that i would also die for him!!!

i just got off on christmas break on friday!! i had my last exam that morning ugh but then i got to drive home and then fly out the next day to see morgyn :)) i’m doing aight overall, the past semster has been admittedly pretty rough but i’m optimistic about the next, and i’m super glad to be on Christmas break!!! i hope you’re doing well also and i just wanted to lyk that i’ve also had ocd for a few years now and i know how much it fucking sucks so if you ever want to talk about it w someone i’m here xx

-noel

[trashforgubler]

Hold On

Word Count: 2,466

Summary: You try to kill yourself and Spencer (your boyfriend) is left to deal with the aftermath

Extra Info: This fic was inspired by the song “Hold On” by Chord Overstreet and as always I 11/10 recommend you listen to it. Also, I would like to note that this is an extremely sad and dark piece so please please please do not read it if you know it will trigger you. I promise not all my stuff will be this dark but because I watch too much criminal minds I am a little bit “dark and twisty” so this kind of stuff will come up every now and then.

Warnings: Light swearing, cutting, self hatred, suicide, dark humor, literally if it’s depressing its probably in here

Requests: Open pls send

Feedback pls and thank

masterpost 

This was it. You were done. You couldn’t do it anymore. You breathed.

Inhale.

Exhale.

As you looked around the room, your eyes fell upon a photograph. It was taken on the day you and Spencer went ice skating together, and he pretended to not know how just so he could hold your hand. A smile made its way onto your face for the first time in a while, but you hated the bitter sweetness of old memories. On the one hand, you loved thinking back to times when you were happy. Truly happy. Oh, how times had changed. Now thinking about those memories made you cry, because you knew there was no way to go back to how things had been. How was it possible to want to cherish something and forget about it at the same time? You sighed and stared at the blade sitting on your desk. Your hands rested on its cool surface as you learned up against it, head hung low as a million thoughts flew through it.

I can’t do this to him. He won’t survive.

Thoughts swarmed your head like a hurricane. You wracked your brain, trying to think of a way out that wouldn’t kill you both. And then it came. You opened the desk and took out a flimsy piece of notebook paper and a pencil, as if a note explain yourself would make it all better. Maybe it wouldn’t erase his pain, but you hoped it spare him some. You heard somewhere that the not knowing is the worst part for the people left behind. After a while, they could grasp the fact that you were gone, that was easy. It was not knowing the reason why that eats at them for an eternity. Spencer had to know he wasn’t a reason. You picked up a pen and held it against the paper, watching as the dot of ink grew larger and larger. Nothing had ever prepared you for this moment. English class had taught you how to write a 2,000 word essay in one night, but you couldn’t ever recall “how to write a suicide note,” being on a syllabus. You figured if you didn’t think about the words to much, they would just come to you.

Dear Spence,

I don’t know how to say this. I’m sorry. I’ll miss you. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. I love you.

You were planning on something a little more extravagant than that. That’s what always happened in books in movies. Characters writing big long letters to their loved ones, explaining every detail of their decision. A play by play to the exact moment they decided they were going to cut their life short. But in that moment, you couldn’t even bring yourself to think what you felt. Trying to put your reasoning on paper was impossible, as if you had to have a good enough reason to kill yourself. Almost as if there was a court that approved your application for suicide. “Oh, you hate yourself and you think you’re a burden to everyone? Sorry, Mike over here just overfed his goldfish and killed it. Please try again in 20 years.” Realizing the fact that you couldn’t even figure out what you were feeling suddenly frightened you. If you couldn’t even understand your own brain, how could Spencer? Words started floating through your head as you attempted to put a label on what you felt. Sad? No, not really. Depressed maybe, but not necessarily sad. Angry? Angry at the world? Yes. Angry enough to die? Probably not. Guilt? Guilt. That was it. You probably felt guilty because that you were leaving an innocent man to suffer while you got to be free. But you couldn’t help it. You were trapped.

You placed the note on the counter and undressed yourself. As you walked into the bathroom, blade in hand, you caught a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. Cringing, you studied each and every part of your body. The body you had despised your entire life. You were too big, had too many stretch marks and too many scars. The cuts covered your body. Your eyes strung with tears as you realized this is the last time you would ever look in a mirror. You didn’t know whether those tears are of happiness or sadness. It was all irrelevant anyways, none of it mattered anymore. In a few minutes you would be dead, completely useless to the world as you always had been. You never had a purpose, you had just become tired of pretending that would ever change. The water stung the cuts on your thighs as you stepped into the bath. Slowly, you sank down into it. The coldness seeped into your veins, leaving chills across your skin. The blade in your hand stared at you, taunting you, daring you to cut.  You bit your lip, but you weren’t sure why. You had no doubts, no fears. This is what you wanted to do.

“I’m in complete control��, you reminded yourself, although you knew it was bullshit. You weren’t the one who decided to do this. The monster that has slowly been possessing your body for the past three years was. The person you once were was gone. She died the day you put a blade to your small wrist for the first time. Just as you were about to do for the very last time. Inhaling, you plunged the blade into your arm despite your shaking hand. You drug down your arm, following the blue vein that ran down it like a map. A map to death.  Blood began pouring out of you and mixed in with the bath water, turning it a murky red color. Black dots began to appear in front of you as your head spun. The cold water seeped closer and closer to your face as you sunk down into it, slowing losing conscious. You were so close to death that you didn’t even hear the front door open. The last thing you saw before you blacked out completely was Spencer leaned over the bathtub, tears cascading down his red face as he wrapped his arms around your limp body, trying to pull you from the tub.

Spencer’s POV

Your lifeless body stared at Spencer from the bath mat, your blood staining the once white fabric. He couldn’t take his eyes off you, even as he fumbled to reach for his phone.

“911 what’s your emergency?”

“My girlfriend is bleeding out.”

The words, “my girlfriend tried to kill herself in our bathtub with a blade she got from a broken pencil sharpener,” refused to come out of his mouth, but he assumed it didn’t matter. All he knew was that you were probably dead. Time was nonexistent. The next thing he knew he was riding in the back of the ambulance as he watched you slowly fade further and further away from him. He felt like he was dreaming. This couldn’t be real. Everyone else who fell in love got to be happy. They got to give each other valentines and go out on movie dates and kiss each other whenever they please. His stomach twisted when he realized he might not get to kiss you ever again.

As soon as he arrived at the hospital, a nurse pulled him away from you as you were whisked off to surgery. He stood there, in the middle of the ER, completely helpless. His pulse racing and could hear his heartbeat in his ears as it echoed loudly inside his chest. His head was swimming with a million thoughts all at the same time, and he couldn’t get them to stop. God, he just wanted them to stop. The nurse asked if he wanted to call anyone. All his concentration was put into trying to remember anyone’s name. “J- Jennifer Jareau,” he finally stammered out. The nurse nodded and lead him to a waiting room and then left him. Alone.

The ticking of the clock was starting to drive him insane. Why was there so much noise? He put his head in his lap and clamped his arms over his ears, trying to block it all out, but it persisted with no avail. The clock, the crackle of the AC, they sound of people shoes as they walked outside the door. It was too much.

“Spence.”

The sound of a soft voice startled him. His arms fell from his ears and dangled at his sides, but he kept his head down, to embarrassed to look up. JJ was standing before him, tears in her eyes as she said his name. “Spence?” she asked, bending down to look at him. She brushed a loose curl out of his face and looked him in the eye, eyebrows furrowed in concern. Spencer felt a tear trickle down his cheek and land on his cardigan. He sniffed as he pursed his lips and shut his eyes, still not believing any of this was happening. She was fine. He told himself. I thought she was fine. The more he thought about her, the more he began to cry. The now bitter sweet memories of seeing her smile when he woke up every morning or hearing her laugh when he complained about being referred to as a “pipe cleaner with eyes,” tore at his heart. “Aww Spence.” JJ said, wiping away a tear. She didn’t know how to help him. How do you help someone who was waiting to see if the love of there life was alive or not? She didn’t know. “Spence did you cut yourself?” JJ asked with motherly concern, seeing the jagged tear in his jeans that was seeping blood.

Spencer shrugged, “probably just the blade she dropped,” he said plainly.

The words made JJ’s heart ache. Here he was, slumped in a hospital chair, crying because he didn’t know what was going to happen, and she knew it killed him knowing that he couldn’t fix it.  Whenever there was a problem, Spencer made fixing it his number one priority. He couldn’t fix this. He couldn’t bring you back to life, or make your pain go away. He was so caught up in it that he hadn’t even noticed that he hurt himself on the blade you tried to take your life with.

“What can I do?”

“Just…” Spencer started before having to stop to compose himself, “Be here,” he finished, voice breaking as he did. He bit the inside of his cheek, trying to contain his emotions.

“Okay.” JJ nodded, sitting down in the chair next to him. He tilted his head to rest on her shoulder and collapsed further into her as he felt her arms wrap around him. “Okay.” She repeated. “Okay.”

Hours passed. Or maybe it was only a few minutes, Spencer wasn’t quite sure, but before they knew it, the doctor had come out to talk to them. “Are you Y/N’s family?” She asked them.

“Yes.” They both said in unison.

“Okay, well she’s stable for now, but we’re not sure when she’ll wake up. We had to suture her wrists and replace a lot of her blood, but she should be fine, with the expectation of lots of therapy of course.”

Spencer let out a sigh of relief as he allowed a small smile to appear on his face. JJ thanked the doctor as they both head into your room. They made themselves comfortable in chairs by your bed. Spencer took your hand in his as he learned back into his chair, falling asleep to the sound of your steady breathing, and the beeping on the heartrate monitor. He loved that sound. It meant you were alive. That you were okay. That he would be okay.

 Your POV

You woke up to the sun streaming in through the window pane, casting a warm glow onto your face. You almost smiled at the feeling. It reminded you of carefree summer days spent at a neighborhood block party, eating red, white and blue popsicles with your friends. It just made you happy. You could hear soft snoring coming from the person next to you.

Spencer.

Oh shit, Spencer. Had he been there all night? Had he been there more than one night? You quickly realized that this question would be a lot easier to answer if you knew what day it was. You squeezed his hand gently to wake him. He opened his eyes, which were red from either sleep deprivation, crying, or both. You didn’t know. Another pang of guilt stabbed you the more you looked at him. His messier than usual hair, the crescent shaped circles under his eyes. You did this to him, and you didn’t even know why.

“Hey beautiful,” he said groggily, rubbing sleep from his eyes. You managed to give a small smile in return. He brushed your forehead with the edge of his thumb and you relaxed at the feeling, as if all your problems and this giant mess you’ve gotten yourself into were now gone because of the way his hands felt up against your skin. Not in a sexual way, but in a pure way. The way only Spence could make you feel. He made you feel safe.

“How long have I been here?”

“Just a day.” He responded.

“And you?”

“Just a day,” he repeated, looking down at your hand as he smiled. His eyes then wandered over to your wrists, which were covered in big white bandages, but they did nothing to hide the other cuts up and down the upper part of your arms. “I love you,” he started, bringing an edge of seriousness you’ve never heard from him before. He looked up at you with those big brown eyes. “You know that, right?”

“Of course, I do, Spence.” You dreaded where this conversation was heading.

“You know you can talk to me about anything.”

“I know.” You said quietly, breaking eye contact as shame consumed you.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked in a low voice, leaning towards you as he said it. You promptly shook your head. To say you have zero interest in talking about it would be the understatement of the year. You know that you can talk to him, but you don’t want to cause him any more pain than you already put him through.

“Okay.” He said, understanding. “Not now, but eventually we need to talk about it okay?”

You nodded in agreement. As much as you hated to admit it, he was right. As always. He bent down and placed a gentle kiss on your forehead, and you felt a small tear drop trickle off his face. “I love you Y/N.” he said. “Sleep.”

[crazyzaika]

Love on Detours - Chapter 8

And we are in the next chapter. At first I have to say, that in the first part are some creepy things which could trigger you. Torture and child abuse. I mark it, so if you don't want to read it, pls just don't. And to all wo love Lisanna, this isn't a 'Shame-on-Lisanna'-FF. Yes I don't like her, because I think she isn't needed in FT, but in this ff she is broken and a bit insane. But it would explained why. Like everytime, let my know what you think. And still not checked.

Greets Z

Chapter 8

Anger filled her senses, raged inside her and crawled like burning lava through her veins. Her body trembled, was tense and it felt as if she was constantly under electric power. Her heart raced and she gritted her teeth so tightly that they grinded and her jaw had become tense in the meantime. He was together with her. With her. That slut! Lisanna had lowered her eyes to the tatami mats in her room as she felt the burning in her eyes. Her throat tightened and pain burned in her heart. She felt abysmal hatred. Hate for Lucy. How could she do that? How could she dare to be knocked up by Natsu? He was not to blame, which in her opinion only hit Lucy, that disgusting, abnormal woman. Her heartbeat was racing, blood was rushing in her ears and she took a step toward her dresser. She looked up and her vision blurred as she looked at the pictures standing on it. They were family photos.

Her gaze glided over the smiling faces of her siblings, the cool, almost emotionless faces of her parents. And then her gaze fell on an old photograph where she stood next to her cousin Lucy. They both wore a white dress and smiled into the camera. Hot fiery anger surged in her, she passed the bare meter and rammed her fist unchecked into the picture. Glass splintered, pain twitched through her skin as the splinters dug into her skin, but she didn't even feel it all. She took the picture and threw it on the floor, stepping on it again and again with her foot.

Her breathing went wheezing, rattling. Tears came into her eyes, veiled her vision and distorted everything. But she couldn't stop stepping on that picture. She wanted to kill her, put her fingers around Lucy's slender, pale neck and squeeze until she heard the crack of her neck. She wanted to feel her cousin's blood running over her hands, she wanted to feel her dying by her hand. An insane, cruel smile distorted her lips, and as tears ran down her cheeks, a crazy giggle broke from her lips.

"This is not appropriate."

She flinched as if she had been beaten, pulled up the gaze from the picture and swirled around her room with a searching look. But there was only her bed, the desk, the closet and her commode. She blinked and stared searchingly, a tremor seized her senses. She knew this voice. It was her mother's voice. Her nostrils widened and then she swallowed lightly, trying to get rid of the lump in her throat. Her heart was still burning, her soul screamed and waved bleeding and squirming on the floor. And it was as if she could hear her mother's voice again.

"You will never be as beautiful as Lucy. Your behaviour is not appropriate for a lady of the house Strauss. How many times do I have to tell you that?"

Her breathing accelerated and she moved away from the destroyed picture and her dresser, fleeing into a corner of her room over to her bed. Fear crept up into her, clutching her stomach with ice-cold claws, and she felt nausea surge inside her. She knew she wasn't here. She would never set foot in that temple. And yet she heard her mother's voice.

Lisanna swallowed in panic, crawled further into the corner of the room, pulled her legs close to her body and felt that she could no longer breathe. Hot tears were still dripping from her cheeks. Her body trembled and her heart pounded in panic, hurting with every beat and she felt the pull of memories. The dark, disgusting maelstrom of events she never wanted to experience again, that she had repressed.

"You are unworthy!"

The words were like poison. Poison that devoured her thoughts, her soul and destroyed her. She whimpered and pressed her hands to her ears. A malicious laughter penetrated her ears. Laughter that actually could not be real. Because that woman was not here. She did not want to. Lisanna wanted to fight, but the pull of her own memories was too strong. A whimper fled from her lips before these memories sloshed over her, overwhelming her.

AN: And know comes the ugly side of this ff. Or more one of the reason, why Lisanna is broken in soul and mind. So the torture and abuse stuff I told you on the beginning. I'm marking this, because you don't have to read it, if you would not.

"Lisanna!" Her father's cold and stern voice cut the cool air and she flinched, cautiously raising her gaze. And she met dark, black eyes. She swallowed easily as she smiled cautiously.

"What did I tell you? You shouldn't grin at me so stupidly, disgusting scum!" her father rebuked her, overcame the distance to her and pain twitched through her face when he hit her. Her head flew aside and tears formed in her eyes as her trembling hand raised to her reddening cheek. Her lower lip trembled, but she knew that if she started crying now it would only make things worse. Fear seized her heart and she felt the trembling of her knees. She heard the sharp click of his tongue and raised her gaze again. Timidly. The hate and disgust in his dark eyes made her flinch. His lips warped contemptuously.

"Why can't you be like Lucy? She is a true image of noble descent. But no, you have to be like that," his voice dripped with blatant disgust. Icy cold reached for her senses and carefully she took a step back.

"Where is your answer, ungrateful brat?"

"I ... i i i i'm s-s-s-sorr-sorry...", she brought out stuttering and her voice was thin, trembling.

"What are you sorry for?"

"T-that ... t-that i-i'm n-n-not l-l-like L-Lucy, f-father," she just stuttered the answer and then felt another hit. Pain struck her skull. She whimpered up and wanted to retreat, but a big hand reached for her left upper arm, grabbed her and dragged her relentlessly. She whimpered again and the grip strengthened.

"P-Papa ..." she whimpered and tears ran down her cheeks. She was dragged along so fast that her short legs didn't come along and she stumbled, but he didn't give her time to get up, just dragged her along. Her vision was blurred and bottomless fear made her narrow body tremble. She was afraid because she knew what he would do. A world of pain awaited her. Her throat tightened and she wheezed chopped off panicked and couldn't breathe. And then she was thrown into a dark room. Pain jerked through her body as she hit the cold stone floor. Air was pressed out of her lungs and she whimpered again. Tears streamed down her cheeks and she lifted herself up, looking around trembling. Fear made her heart race, she took a rattling breath. And then she was grabbed by a big, coarse man's hand in her neck. She whimpered and lost the floor under her feet, felt someone grab her arms and the next moment she felt cold metal on her wrists. Pain flashed through her shoulders as she was let go and her body weight hung on her arms. She was too small and couldn't touch the floor, looked around in panic, but it was too dark. She couldn't see anything. And then she felt someone cut her clothes. Hearing the tearing of fabric and fear made her really freeze. Her eyes were wide open in panic and she dared not to breathe. She felt the cold air on her pale, tender child skin, heard the creaking of leather. She heard a hiss and then a burning, hot pain shot over her back. Lisanna screamed.

She felt the burning on her back as if she had been punished today for things she could not influence. Things she just couldn't change. Her fingernails dug into her scalp as she shivered between her pillows and her rumpled duvet. The memory burned like acid in her body. She whimpered as hot tears ran down her cheeks, bouncing back and forth.

At that time she had tried everything, had let her hair grow, had even dyed it blond. She had worn brown contact lenses, dressed like Lucy, talked like her and moved like her. Until Lucy told her she thought it was strange and creepy and didn't want her to copy it from her. Lucy had cried because she didn't want to be replaced had angered her parents and Lucy's and this had led to further punishments from her parents. Punishments that she did not endure physically in the long run.

It had been her grandfather who had taken Lisanna in. He had saved her and taken her in. Her brother and sister had already stayed with him before, because they were older and went to schools nearby. But Lisanna had been too young and everyone had said that she should stay with her parents. That this was a mistake only turned out later. Hours passed during which the high school student sat crying on her bed. At some point the exhaustion won and she finally fell asleep.

Juvia hummed quietly as she baked cookies. She wanted to give it to someone very special and her heart raced with excitement when she thought only of him. A gentle smile lay on her lips and a happy gleam lay in her eyes. He was unique, smart, sexy and strong. Gray Fullbuster. Son of a police officer and a state prosecutor. He went to her university and attended the same courses as her.

The ringing of the clock in the oven ripped her out of her mind and she flinched slightly, then opened the glazed door, pulled out the tin with a glove, on which steaming cookies were lying, and laid it down on the marble worktop so the tin could cool out. Then she pranced through the kitchen, turned off the oven, and picked out the colorful icing she wanted to use to decorate the cookies. A soft, happy smile lay on her lips.

"Jo, Nee-chan", Natsu came yawning into the kitchen. Juvia raised her eyes and smiled at her younger brother. He yawned heartily, scratched the back of his head and rubbed his belly. He wore only boxer shorts and Juvia clicked her tongue. She thought he shouldn't walk around like that. That just wasn't right. He could also get sick. But he just grinned broadly and laughed quietly. She didn't even have to say anything and he knew what she meant. Then he sniffed and a glow stepped into his dark eyes as he approached.

"Ah! Not for you, Natsu," Juvia exclaimed protestingly before he could even say anything and pulled a kitchen knife against him. Natsu raised his hands defensively, but still had to grin.

"Wow ... Nee-chan. Calm down. For Gray, that troll, right?"

"Don't call him that," she growled and pulled her brows together.

"Does he actually notice what he has in you?"

His words made her swallow and she bit her lower lip. She put the knife aside and turned her eyes away.

"So no ... "

"Natsu I ... "

"Nee-chan. Listen. I see how in love you are, okay? And I know him. He was at my school after all, even if I don't understand why, because he's supposed to have sooo good grades. He is not good for you. He ignores you since the first year of high school. Since he knows that you come from a yakuza family, he treats you cool and pejorative," Natsu said and looked down on his older sister, who was one head smaller than him. She bit her lower lip and he saw the treacherous shimmer in her eyes. He felt her tense under his hands, how cramped she was and knew she was suffering. She suffered more than she should. She deserved a happy future, but she only wanted it with Gray, who had rejected her several times. Natsu smiled sadly, wrapped one arm around Juvia and pulled her to him, stroking with his fingers through the soft blue hair.

And that was enough to break her dams. Her shoulders began to tremble and he felt the tears running down his chest as she cried silently, clinging to him. Natsu wasn't particularly good at comforting. Juvia sniffed and her heart hurt, burning, while the tears wouldn't stop flowing. She couldn't stop while tears ran down her cheeks and snot from her nose. She clung to the warm body of her brother, who always felt 6° warmer than everyone else. A thick lump was stuck in her throat and she could barely breathe.

At some point she managed to detacht herself from him, still sniffing. Natsu laughed quietly, then got her a kitchen roll so she could wipe her nose and tears while he freed himself from snot and tears. Juvia smiled weakly at her brother.

"I'm actually the big sister. I should comfort you and the other way round," she said in a scratchy voice. Natsu just grinned, fluffed through her long hair and left the kitchen laughing. She smiled, then turned back to her cookies, decorated them, wrapped them carefully. Then she put them in her bag, washed her face, put on some makeup and then left her parents' house.

She still wouldn't give up. Not because it might have been difficult between Gray and her. She had never fallen in love so much as with him and just wouldn't let him go. Because she knew he wasn't so cold. Before he knew what her family circumstances were like, they had even been on a date. He had been incredibly friendly and courteous towards her. However, she had made the mistake of introducing herself to his parents with her real name. Of course, his father had immediately known who he had in front of him and had complimented Juvia out. The next day at school, Gray had ignored her and when she asked, he had made it clear to her that he wanted nothing more to do with her. With a criminal. She had assured him that she was not a criminal and that her family was not as bad as they seemed. The whole thing was 4 years ago now and she was still circling him. She hadn't really paid much attention to the way, knew it by heart and waited until the bus, which would take her to her university, arrived.

She got on the bus, showed her ticket and sat down on a window seat, looked out dreamily without really seeing anything. Her thoughts were totally fixed on Gray. Her Gray-sama, as she liked to call him. Her heart was beating hectically with excitement. Would he accept the cookies this time? She chewed indecisively on her lower lip. The cheerful murmur of the other passengers only came to her ear as a hiss. The thought of Gray distracted her too much.

Only when the bus stopped in front of her university did she blink slightly, rose and followed the others out. Nervousness clawed into her stomach and fear clasped her racing heart, making her restless. Her gaze glided around, searching as she continued to chew on her lower lip. The university grounds were of normal size. Nothing overly pompous. A building, a sports field, as well as a gymnasium and a normal-sized courtyard, where you could spend your free time. She walked with insecure steps towards the building, which had been built in the modern architectural style, and the gaze of her deep blue soul mirror gliding around, found the wild, black hair shimmering velvety in the daylight. Juvia pulled her shoulders up and walked exactly in this direction, swallowing slightly as her heart began to race. Her stomach contracted painfully. She had got up a good three hours earlier to bake these cookies, as she had let the mixture steep for an hour.

He was in a group of friends, including his brother Lyon and his girlfriend Meredy. Among them were Yukino, Sorano and Ultear. She wasn't very good friends with the others and swallowed slightly as she approached. She knew no one hated her, but you couldn't say they even really liked her. Her eyes lay on Gray. He was wearing a black Jean, Sneackers, a black shirt, a leather jacket and a bag over his shoulder. Her hands clasped the straps of her bag and her knuckles stood out white. She began to tremble slightly, but still put a smile on her lips as she approached the group.

"G ... Good morning, Gray-sama," she said with a soft voice and the quiet conversations in the group itself fell silent. Glances stared at her and she felt her cheeks getting hot. His dark gaze lay on her and she swallowed briefly, then dragged out the narrow box hastily and looked up at him with an unsteady smile.

"Gray-sama ... Juvia has ... "

"I don't need it. Leave me alone," he growled and pain twitched through her heart. Her hands began to tremble and her throat tightened. She felt the treacherous burning in her eyes. He didn't even let her finish. The smile on her lips began to waver, but she swallowed the pain and tears, stepped one step closer and then continued to hold the box to him.

"Please... Juvia baked the cookies, Gray-sama," she said and looked at him with big eyes. He sighed annoyed and twisted his eyes, driving himself irritated through his hair. Lyon grinned. The others seemed a little embarrassed. They knew Juvia and nobody could really handle her. None of the girls understood how Juvia could still run after him. Lyon gave him a slight elbow stab in the rib.

"Go on, accept it," he said quietly and Gray growled reluctantly, then he accepted the box and looked at Juvia with a cold look. A glow stepped into her eyes and the cold in his eyes became stronger. He opened the can and looked down at the homemade cookies, saw the fine patterns she had made with colorful icing. In the colours he liked. He looked at the sweets and then he looked at her face, saw the look of love in her eyes. His lips turned to a scornful smile and he stepped towards her, getting closer and closer and pushing her. Juvia stumbled back, bent slightly and fell on her ass. Shocked, she looked up at Gray, who looked down at her with disgust and contempt. He pulled a bottle of water out of his pocket, dumped the water into the box, closed it to shake it and then dumped the contents of water, sugar and biscuits over her. Juvia stared at him with big eyes wide open. Horrified whispers penetrated her ears and she began to tremble. Gray snorted.

"Now pay attention, yakuza bitch. I don't want anything to do with a criminal creature like you, is that clear? You are nothing, scum of society. I don't have time for someone like you. Besides ... ", his lips turned to a scornful grin, "... I already have a fiancée. So finally leave me alone."

His words gave her one blow after the other and she couldn't breathe, was as if frozen. It was as if her heart had stopped beating, as if time had stopped. All the noises turned into a hiss and everything around her lost its color, became bleak and gray.

Gray turned around and just let her sit on the floor. His heart hurt and he rubbed his chest unconsciously as he returned to his shocked friends.

"Let's go, then," he said cool as ever.

"Gray, what was that all about?"

"What was what," he asked and watched Meredy wait and see. She blinked and pulled her narrow pink eyebrows together, then pointed at Juvia. She was still sitting on the stone floor as if frozen.

"I showed her that I no longer wanted her near me. What's wrong with showing scum what he is," he asked and felt his heart contract painfully. Meredy pressed her lips together and Lyon growled angrily at him.

"Dude, do you hear yourself talking? Just because her parents are yakuza doesn't mean she can't get out," Lyon replied and slung an arm tightly around his girlfriend. The girlfriend looked at Gray angrily. Her body trembled slightly and Gray knew why. Meredy's parents had been subordinates of a local clan in the USA and had paid for their resignation with their lives. Only her big sister and little sister had survived.

"Well ... but she is still with her scum family. No matter how much she supposedly loves me. That doesn't change anything. Besides, our parents were very clear back then, Lyon," Gray said and snorted slightly. Then he turned away and marched towards the building. It hurt to be like that to her, but it was right. He had learned to hate her, had locked his love for Juvia deep away. Because she would never change. She would always remain the daughter of a yakuza.

[misas-biggest-fan]

some detailed thoughts on an LABB movie w a ‘read more’ bc i have A Lot To Say

i want it to be a movie bc i love movies

im also open to the concept of a mini series but a full tv show might be a challenging stretch

animated or live action would both be incredible and both have their unique pros and cons

the whole thing is DISTINCTLY LA

busy streets and palm trees and the Hollywood sign and the shiny, overly false glamour of everything

would really contrast well with Rue Ryuzaki’s disturbing fake-ness

like he’s just as fake as the whole city, that both he and Hollywood have on this costume to hide tragedy and hideous deeds

i want it to have the glitz and glam and extravagance of the recent gatsby movie (which i adore, dont come for me)

if bahz luhrmann doesn’t direct i will RIOT id die for bahz luhrmann he’s Good and he has the same energy and chaotic attitude of beyond birthday himself

i want beyond to have a scene like the one where Nick realizes who Gatsby is and Gatsby turns around with the champagne flute and the fireworks go off in slow motion as he smiles that’s my favorite shot in all of cinematic history no joke

it’s HIGHLY STYLIZED. i want bright colors and weird aesthetic choices

I also want some shockingly beautiful frames of LA and surprisingly sophisicated shots of Beyonds face lit up in different neon colors or something

Indie enough to be weird and fun but pop enough to be easily digestible

it opens with mello writing his book (like moulin rouge!! a;lsdjfk)

his burn scars are just healing and he knows he’ll die soon so he has to write down all his important memories, leave something behind

he wants to write down something important to him, something that he can leave for Near, something that might put his own life and actions into context

something that might help other people understand who he was more

so of course, he thinks of beyond

who he respects and admires and pities

who has such a similar and yet different story from Mello’s own

so maybe in understanding beyond and understanding how mello feels about beyond

people will understand mello

near will understand mello

so mello gets to work detailing this story his incredible mentor L once told him, describing this beautiful memory he has of meeting with and talking to L and how L told him about Beyond

(in this scene, you don’t SEE L. you just get an idea of what he looks like, flashes and shots, so that the audience can know L well enough to still wonder about the identity Rue Ryuzaki throughout the movie)

and then of course, we dive into the story

Beyond is OVER THE TOP. he’s more than unsettling, he’s downright terrifying. but he’s still somehow intriguing and even charming at times, like he can turn the smoulder on and off at will. 

Hes a disaster nb, a fabulous hodgepodge of discarded gender roles and impressive makeup skills

Him practicing his evil laugh and trying so desperately to be this comic villain didjdjdje hes such a loser i love him that scene NEEDS to make an appearance

he and naomi’s chemistry is incredible to watch on screen because beyond dominates any scene he’s in unless naomi is there to challenge him because her acting is also so powerful that when they’re on screen together, it’s like you can’t tear your eyes away from this insane car wreck that is their relationship

and NAOMI

a;lksdfj;dlkfj naomi misora <3 <3 <3 <3 ok im ready

so naomi is also a powerful presence on screen, even though she’s not crawling on the ground or eating with her hands or you know whatever ridiculous garbage beyond is doing

more time is spent on her

her disastrous relationship with raye

her feelings over her suspension from the FBI

and really play up the whole jessica jones thing she’s got going on

i want black leather for DAYS

I want “gritty LA detective who’s on suspension from the FBI because she doesn’t play by the rules” or whatever except it’s a twist because not only is she not a man, like this trope usually calls for, but it turns out she was suspended because of her tenderness and humanity instead of her brutality

she still needs to have MULTIPLE fight scenes, a few with beyond and maybe even a few with other attackers, who she absolutely mops the floor with

but then she and beyond have a scene where they fight against someone together

he’s not a good fighter. she mostly has to save his butt every time but he’s just happy to be there and probably keeps saying stuff like ‘wow misora you’re amazing!’ and she’s like ‘?!?! ryuzaki you loser?1?! run?!?’

and of course, there’s enough twists and changes from the book to keep everyone on their toes, but GOOD changes

like maybe we go back to mello a few times and he has more of his own subplot where his relationship to near is revealed more fully, that he wants near to understand him and he wants to reach out to near emotionally in this way

contrast mello’s story with beyond’s so when we learn beyond’s full story at the end, he and mello are revealed to be foils of each other

we get shots of wammy’s house and we see a and beyond interact and we see beyond’s life-destroying grief over a’s death

we get contrasting shots of wammy’s with mello and near and we’re allowed to hope that maybe they can be happier

A and beyond become something of a subplot leading up to as death but you dont entirely realize who beyond is until the big reveal at the end

maybe beyond does some more unsettling things that are just as creepy and in-character but are a terrible surprise for those who’ve already read the book!! i can’t imagine what other horrific thing he could do to scare naomi, but there’s got to be something

i’m rly into bday massacre bc i love naomi and beyond’s rly twisted relationship so i’d love to see more of him being in awe of her, more of them connecting, more of beyond opening up to her even. maybe she tells him a little bit about her suspension. just a little.

also if we could like clean up some of the plot holes in this joint pls and thank you

id even be ok if it’s insinuated that he self-sabotaged a little, on a conscious level or not, bc i feel like that wouldn’t be tooooooo ooc i mean, he’s a hot mess. most of this is just a really twisted cry for help anyway, at least in my interpretation. he wants people to realize he’s suffering. he just… can’t do it in a normal or healthy way :/

beyond pls a;lkdfj

Anyway. Theres also a boppin soundtrack

Fire is a big motif. Maybe make a connection between wildfires in CA and beyond using this case to self-destruct

A little more closure at the end. Thats part of the drive behind my bday massacre fanfic rn is that i feel like he and naomi never got any real closure on the traumatizing, like, week or two they spent together

I also want more closure on naomi as a character arc. I want her to dump rayes sorry butt and i want her to have had some sort of real internal change. None of this “she picks up her life where she left off and never thinks abt beyond again”

Of course, L is revealed and has his glorious little spill down the concrete subway stairs. Its What He Deserves :)

And of course we have to make the obvious contrast between both beyond and mello having survived serious burn injuries its just another thing that makes them such interestingly comparable characters

If Naomi visits Beyond in prison to say goodbye, i wouldnt be opposed. If they made my fanfiction into a movie i wouldnt be opposed

Mello prints out his book in the mafia hideout, his arms folded and waiting as paper after paper comes out, just begging any of these mafia dudes to mock him for liking to write. None of them do. Its a funny moment tho

He debates sending it to near, feeling so awkward and prideful, but he finally does it, leaving instructions for it to reach near after his death.

In the end, naomi and beyond are revealed to be dead at the same time as near receives the package from his dear mello

Naomi and beyond were doomed, and so were beyond and a, but now… near has mellos last love letter to him, cryptically begging him to try to understand. And so theres hope that although the rest of these relationships were doomed, maybe near can still have one piece of mello and be happy

[ella-insideout]

I wasn’t told you’d be this cold (Part V)

A/N: Well, well, well. Welcome to part 5 of angsty uni!Harry. Read parts one, two, three, and four. Usual disclaimer: this is based off a very real and very sad relationship I was in during uni. There’s a lot of angst here and so much more to come. ENJOY xx  

Word count: 5.2k

Being heartbroken is a funny thing. Some people will use their heartbreak to propel them forward; they’ll exercise more or throw themselves into their work to move on as quickly as possible. Others will wallow in self-pity; they’ll lay in bed for days straight and push away anyone who tries to comfort them. Helena, unfortunately, dealt with her heartbreak in that manner.

Helena can’t remember the last time she left her house. She doesn’t remember life before the night of her party; everything’s been a blur since the moment she saw Harry profess his love for someone else. She spends her days in bed watching Netflix and taking naps. And once again, she’s lost her appetite and can feel herself falling down the same hole she had just crawled out of (with Harry’s help). She cries when Harry crosses her mind (which is far too often) and her chest feels tight when she thinks back to everything that happened between them. Sadly Helena continues to check his social media in the hopes of seeing he’s no longer with Rachel, only to find photo after photo of them together with captions explicitly professing his love.

It’s now been 6 days of wallowing and Helena hit her limit. She’s sick of laying in bed all day and night—her unwashed hair feels greasy (she’s sure it must smell) and her muscles ache from their lack of use. As she steps out of her bed for the first time in almost a week, she’s slightly relieved. She stands up slowly, afraid of becoming lightheaded, and makes her way to the bathroom at the other end of her room. Each step is agonising, requiring an insane amount of effort, but she eventually gets to her shower. She turns the knob to the ‘hot’ side and as the water warms, Helena takes off the ratty shirt and pyjama shorts she’d been sporting since that fateful night. She catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror and barely recognises her own reflection—her cheeks are sunken in, she’s got dark circles under her eyes, and she looks absolutely miserable. She wants to smile at her reflection, she wants to try and feign happiness for one moment but the muscles won’t move. They’re stuck in a permanent frown for the time being.

Helena lets out a long sigh as she steps into her shower, the hot water feeling slightly foreign to her body. And though it took all her willpower to get her body in there, she now wonders how she’s going to get herself out. The steam, coupled with the scent of her lavender body wash, may be physically relaxing but Helena’s mind is still reeling. While washing her face, her fingers trace over her lips and she instantly thinks back to the last person who touched them. She recalls the way Harry’s thumb ghosted over her bottom lip before he pressed his own against hers. They were sitting on her blanket in the park, the sun was out and Helena can recall the warmth from its rays on her exposed shoulders and ankles. The hot water on her skin feels eerily similar and Helena begins tearing up. She haphazardly cleans her face and immediately turns the water off, throws open her shower door and partially covers her body with a towel before falling to the floor and sobbing. Her sobs are loud and rack her body, making her involuntarily convulse with each wail. Harry’s ruined her, she thinks, and she will never escape his memory. She’s not sure how much time has passed, but eventually her sobs subside enough to dry off her damp body and wrap herself in a fluffy bathrobe.

As she sits down on her bed, Helena realises it must’ve been days since she last checked her texts. Bella checked in with her semi-regularly but also knew that Helena needed her space, and despite looking up Harry’s social media, she’s hardly been on her phone. She sees she’s got four texts—one from Bella (checking in, again) and three from Niall. Helena’s been putting off opening Niall’s messages but now decides that she needs to bite the bullet and see what he’s sent her.

hey… so sorry I missed the party yesterday. hope ur not too pissed at me. I owe u a gift, let me know when I can give it to u

been a couple days and no reply. I don’t want to be dramatic but pls don’t be mad, let me treat u to a bday pint

ok I know I fucked up but pls forgive me? I want to be a better friend to u, bday pint offer is still up if u want

The last text was sent just a few hours earlier. Helena checks the time and sees that it’s almost 7pm. It’s Thursday and she’s not entirely sure of Niall’s work schedule but she plucks up the courage to send him a short reply.

I can meet you in an hour if you’re free. But come to Dulwich?

Niall replies almost instantly.

sounds good, send the address when u get a chance !

Helena types back the name and postcode of a pub down the road, too afraid of inviting Niall into her home. She wants to tell him about Harry and learn what he knows, and doing that in her home makes her feel even more vulnerable. She tosses her phone down on the bed and begins getting ready. Though she feels nervous, Helena needs her friends. And she needs someone who knows Harry just as well as she does.

—

A bell chimes as Helena walks through the pub’s double doors and Niall’s head immediately perks up. He gives her a small smile and she walks toward the table; Niall stands up to greet her and gives a tight bear hug.

“Happy belated, Hels,” he says into her neck, still not letting go, “sorry again I missed it.” He kisses her cheek when he pulls away and Helena gives him a small smile (the first one she’s mustered up in a while) as she takes a seat.

“Thank you, Ni. I was really sad when you didn’t come.” She glances down, afraid of making eye contact.

“Sorry,” he says sheepishly, “but I got ya a present t’hopefully make up for it!” He bends down and places a small bag on the table. Helena is a bit taken aback—she figured the present Niall mentioned over text was the birthday pint. He actually went and bought something? she thinks to herself as she begins removing the tissue paper that’s over her gift.

She gets to the bottom of the bag and finds a birthday card Niall signed. There’s a bit next to his signature that has white-out covering it and Helena assumes it must’ve been Harry’s signature. Her breath is caught in her throat at the thought of him again, the thought that he signed her birthday card and therefore this gift isn’t just from Niall, but Harry, too. He and Niall picked it out together, bought it together, and signed her card together. Helena wants to jump across the table and hug Niall to thank him for concealing Harry’s signature and ultimately removing Harry from her gift, from her birthday. The thoughtfulness behind that small act of kindness makes Helena feel better. However, when Helena sees the gift she realises that Harry can’t be removed from it because it’s clearly from him to her.

It’s two vintage tees of the Spice Girls and McFly from their older tours that Helena was too young to attend. Helena remembers the first time Harry came to visit her home and she’d shown him her bedroom complete with posters of both bands. He’d teased her about her taste in music and the fact that she still kept the posters up despite the fading colours and lack of new music from either group.

“Hope you like it,” Niall beams at her, “I knew you’re a fan of them both! Saw the shirts at a shop near the venue and I just had to get ‘em.”

“Yeah, I love them. Thank you!” She attempts to smile as she stuffs the shirts back into the bag. Niall stands up to get their drinks from the bar and Helena is thankful that the pub isn’t too crowded tonight so she’s not alone with her thoughts for too long.

“Ni… I, er, need to tell you something.” Helena says as he sits back down opposite her, sliding her pint glass over. “It really hurt my feelings when you an—and Harry didn’t show up to my party. I know it may seem overdramatic, but I was really looking forward to you both being there.”

“I know, I totally fucked up,” Niall nods his head, “M’really, really sorry about that. A lot went on that day and I didn’t wan’to show up by myself and explain it to ya. Not at your party.”

“I saw it anyway, on Instagram.” She explains, “Harry ditched me. For her.”

“You have every right to be upset, believe me. But a lot happened that day… I, I don’t want to tell ya because it’s not my place. But Harry is a proper git for leaving ya behind, and you can quote me on tha’.”

Helena begins tearing up and though she breathes deeply, hoping to calm down, a few tears leak out and slide down her cheeks. “Niall… I lo-love him. I love Harry. M’fucking head over heels, stupid in love with him.” She breathes out and places her head in her hands, full-on crying. Niall pulls his chair up to next to her and begins rubbing her back.

“Fuck, I didn’t know that.” He whispers to her. “‘ave you told Harry?” She lifts her head up and shakes it while wiping at the corners of her eyes.

“No… Maybe I should’ve. But I think it would hurt even more if he knew.”

“Look… Harry, he’s… He’s bad at this stuff. ‘Bad at love’, as he puts it. I know, though, he cares lots about you,” Niall grabs Helena’s hands in his own, “he’s just stupid right now. He’s a guy—we’re all dumb at this age right?” He lightly chuckles, making Helena’s lips slightly turn up, “he’s doing stupid things. But he really does care for you, just let him get his act together.”

“I hope you’re not trying to get my hopes up.” Helena says sadly.

“Would never. Just tellin’ ya the truth.”

—

It’s been three weeks since Niall and Helena’s heart-to-heart and Helena is actually feeling better. She still cries most days (not all) and checks Harry’s social media more often than she’d care to admit, but overall she’s okay. Her heart is still beating, her lungs are still breathing, and she decided she won’t allow Harry to have so much power over her. She and Bella ventured up to Manchester for a music festival and though being in Harry’s hometown made Helena anxious, she was okay. He didn’t occupy her mind like she thought he would—she was having too much fun. She spent the weekend smiling and jumping around in a muddy field with her best friend. She was drunk most of the time but only drunkenly cried over Harry twice. Twice over an entire weekend. That seemed like progress to her.

Helena was getting ready to go out with Bella and Niall—it’s a Saturday night, after all. The two had been teaming up to keep Helena happy and occupied, and it worked most of the time. She felt happier and her friends’ love and care was more than enough to make up for Harry’s lack of love. The venue Niall worked at was having a free gig and Niall knew the band, so the three would have backstage passes and a guaranteed entrance to the after-party. Helena was nervous and excited; neither she nor Bella knew anything about the band or the type of music they played. Niall had promised them a night of fun and that was exactly what Helena needed.

The girls were running late (on the walk to the overground, Bella realised she needed to wear more comfortable shoes) and got there after the band started playing. Luckily Niall greeted them outside the venue, preventing them from having to search through a sweaty crowd. Niall put an arm around each girl’s shoulders as he led them inside, nodding his head to the usher standing by the door. The spent majority of the show in the back of the room—the band had a slightly punk vibe to their music which started a small mosh pit toward the front of the crowd. At some point, Niall left Helena and Bella to join in (never one to turn down a mosh pit, he said) but the two stayed behind sipping their drinks and jumping along to the music. Niall came back before the last song and took them backstage to wait for the band.

“How’s it that you were moshing and I’m sweatier than you are?!” Bella playfully shouts at Niall as she fans herself off.

“S’cause I’m experienced, know exactly what t’do! Didn’t even get bruised this time!” Niall laughs along. Helena sat with Bella on a small couch while Niall was seated in a folding chair across from them. A few empty beer bottles littered the room and there was a cooler in the corner, indicating that more drinking would be taking place. Helena hears muted voices echoing down the hallway outside and Niall stands up from his chair to open the door, smiling widely.

“Oi! That was a great gig!” He hugs each member of the band as they filter back into the room, “Fuckin’ insane! You’ll have to come and play again soon!”

“Thanks, mate!” One of the guys replies while opening up the cooler and grabbing a beer. “Who’re these birds?” He gestures over to Bella and Helena. The girls stand up and look to Niall, suddenly very aware of four pairs of eyes staring at them.

“These are my mates from uni, Helena and Bella,” Niall points at each girl as they wave to the group, “Hels and Bels.”

“Hells Bells.” The same guy says back, smiling at Helena.

“M’not an AC/DC reference,” Helena rolls her eyes at Niall, “good to meet you.” She smiles and extends her hand to the shaggy-haired stranger. He smiles back but instead of shaking her hand, clinks his beer bottle with hers.

“Nice reference, you don’t seem like an AC/DC girl.” He teases her.

“And you don’t seem to have grown up in a civilisation where you greet others with a handshake.” She quips back with a smirk.

“I’m Adrian,” he reaches his hand out to Helena, shaking hers firmly, “good enough for you?”

“Hmm… We’ll see.” She raises her eyebrows at him, grinning.

—

Adrian and Helena met a little less than a month ago, and much like the English temperature in the middle of July, they’re heating up. After hitting it off that night at his band’s show, Helena was infatuated with Adrian; he’s three years older and is the lead guitarist for his band. He’s got his own flat and a day job doing graphic design and he’s nice. He’s so nice and Helena sees that’s what she’d been missing with Harry. Even when he’s busy, he’ll send her a text at least once a day to let Helena know he’s thinking of her. On their dates, he’ll pull out her chair and open doors for her like the chivalrous boyfriend she’s always wanted. He’s even topped up her oyster card when they’ve gone exploring all around the city.

And maybe it’s a little bit wrong but Helena sometimes wishes she had this with Harry. She wishes that he’d open doors for her, pull out her chair, and put her needs first. She wishes he’d tell her that he thinks of her constantly and that he’d bring her flowers like Adrian always did. She wishes she and Harry were meant for those things, she wishes with all her heart, but it can’t be. They aren’t meant for nice dates and chivalrous acts. Harry ruined that chance when he chose another girl over her, he ruined what could have been when he decided to leave Helena behind and gallivant around Europe with someone else. Helena is still a little bit heartbroken, and she may always be, but she’s happy. Adrian makes her smile and has yet to make her cry, which is more than Harry can say for himself.

Even though it’s almost 9pm the summer sun is still out and has barely begun setting. Adrian and Helena are walking hand-in-hand along South Bank, taking in the views of their city as the golden rays reflect off famous landmarks. They started walking near the Eye and followed the path along the river—the sun has now set and they’ve reached Tower Bridge. Helena begins telling Adrian about how much she adores the Tower of London as they cross over to it and she wishes she could forget the last time she spoke about her adoration (and the last person she told it to). They stand on the bridge and stare at the stone-clad building, both in awe of its size and majesty. Adrian then admits to Helena that he’s always been fascinated with its history and the countless people, kings and queens and commoners, who all lived (and died) there. While Adrian is looking at the tower, Helena is staring at him in disbelief that he’s real. He’s real and he’s here and that makes her so happy.

The walk to Adrian’s flat in East London can’t be more than ten minutes from the Tower so the pair continue on. Helena’s now looped her arm through Adrian’s and to any outsider they look like a regular, happy couple (which they are, right?). As they walk, Adrian tells her about growing up in Bath before moving to London at 17 to pursue music—he loved the history of his town but longed for the buzz of a larger city. When he first moved to London, he had no place to live so he stayed on couches and floors for a year until he saved up to get his flat, the same one he lives in now. They arrive at his building and climb the four flights of stairs to his top-level flat, and though they’re slightly out of breath from the long walk Adrian begins kissing Helena the moment the door is closed behind them.

They settle down on his couch, still kissing, and Helena shrugs off the jean jacket she’d been wearing all night. Adrian’s hands travel from her hair, down her arms and to her waist, lifting the hem of her shirt; he tugs it a few times before they separate and he pulls it off of her body, taking a moment to remove his shirt, too. He stands up off the couch and offers her his hand, leading her to his bedroom that’s just past the small kitchen. Helena goes to lay down on his bed, shuffling her leggings down and removing her underwear. Adrian matches her movements and takes off his jeans but leaves his boxers on. Instead of laying his body over her, like Helena was expecting, he stays at the foot of the bed and kneels down, kissing the side of her calf. He trails sloppy kisses up her leg to the inside of her thighs and spreads her legs apart. He places a hand over her and his thumb begins rubbing slow circles along her clit. Helena’s head falls back against the pillows as small moans escape her mouth. She can feel Adrian’s breath on her as he asks a question.

“This okay?”

“Mhm.” She hums out, unable to really speak.

“‘ave you done this before?”

She shakes her head no and Adrian gently begins lapping at her folds, her hands immediately flying into his long hair. He’s clearly experienced with this, Helena thinks, because in just a few short minutes the combination of his fingers and tongue has her moaning out and thrashing against the bed. He wraps his arms around her waist and holds her down, not bothering to stop his movements and throwing her into another orgasm instantaneously. When Adrian pulls away, he wipes at his mouth before moving up on the bed and taking Helena into his arms. She thinks those may have been the most intense orgasms of her life and can’t seem to really speak, so she kisses his shoulder and closes her eyes. But her mind is wandering to the lie she’d told Adrian; she had indeed gotten oral before from Harry. He was the first and only person who ever kissed her there—until tonight. She feels terrible that in the heat of the moment, she lied to Adrian (and to herself, in a way) yet knows she can’t go back on it now. Harry will always be her best kept secret.

—

Summer is coming to an end and Helena isn’t ready to get back into uni mode. There are still 6 weeks until classes begin but already the media department has emailed out a reading list and professors are asking students to prepare work for their first seminars. Though she’s a good student, Helena feels slightly overwhelmed with how much work she’s received before uni has technically started. Wanting to enjoy her last bits of summer (and take her mind off reality), she asked Bella and Niall to meet her at their usual pub in Greenwich. It’s been 15 minutes, though, and neither one of them has shown up. Helena’s sitting at their usual booth, checking her phone to see if someone texted that they were running late, or something else came up, but there’s nothing.

She looks up and through the window, she can see Niall and Bella walking together rather quickly into the pub. Bella swings the door open and all but runs over to Helena, almost out of breath.

“Just so you know, this was not my idea.” Bella pants as she stays standing next to Helena. Niall is still outside, facing the way he’d just come from. Bella waves her hands in front of Helena, bringing the attention back to her. “Babes, look, we can leave right now if you want to.”

“Why? What’s goin—“ Helena furrows her brows, but the door opening catches her eye. She sees Niall walking into the pub and gives him a smile and wave, however, she sees another body behind him. Niall moves out of the way and Helena’s heart has stopped beating. Harry’s standing there with his hands behind his back.

Helena’s gone over this moment in her head a million times. She’d often wonder about what she would do if (rather, when) she’d see Harry again. Would she run away? Would she break down and sob? Would she stand her ground and give him a piece of her mind? All those scenarios, though, couldn’t prepare her for this. Here he is, standing just a few feet away from her and she’s frozen. She can’t tell if her heart is beating too fast or too slow—or not at all. She’s not sure if she’s even breathing anymore. She can’t remember where she is or what day it is; all she sees and all she knows is Harry.

Helena regains her basic motor functions and exits the booth, standing up to greet Harry. She’s holding Bella’s hand and Bella squeezes with all her might, trying to give her best friend all the love and support she may need. Harry closes the space between them and stands in front of Helena, clearing his throat and pulling his hands out from behind his back, offering a bouquet of red roses.

“M’sorry for missing your birthday,” he says lowly, “I know these can’t make up fo’ everything, but I know how much yeh love red roses.” Helena closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. She remembers when she told him about red roses being her favourite flower, how the love they symbolise is so beautiful and pure to her. Her free hand reaches out and she takes them from Harry, smelling them before placing them on the table next to her.

“Think you’ve got a lot to talk about,” Niall claps his hands together, “Bels and I will just be on our way.” He reaches his hand out to Bella but she looks to Helena, silently asking if she’ll be okay with Harry. Helena nods her head and Bella gives her a quick hug before walking out of the pub with Niall. Helena takes her seat and Harry tentatively slides into the booth across from her, unsure of what will happen next.

“Are yeh going to speak to me at all, while we’re here?”

“Yeah,” Helena squeaks out, doing her best to keep the tears at bay, “just… I wasn’t expecting you. That’s all.”

“Wasn’t expecting me t’be here, either. Niall told me he was seeing you and I… I wanted to come.”

“How long have you been back?”

“Four days.” Helena takes in another shaky breath. He’d been here for four days and hadn’t once bothered to reach out. Maybe it wasn’t her business anymore, to know where he was, but if he’d been planning on apologising she at least deserved to know.

“You left me,” she starts, “you up and left me. On my birthday, of all days. And you didn’t have the balls to tell me, or even the heart to let me know you were gone. Just left without a trace.”

“I know, I know… M’sorry about that. I’d go back and change it, if I could.” Harry lowers his head.

“Well you can’t. It happened, and I’m not so sure I can forgive you.” She crosses her arms, finally having the strength to look him in the eye. She can see that he’s broken. His eyes are sad—so often, she’d look into his eyes because they lit up like the stars in the sky. The bright green has faded into a dull colour she doesn’t wholly recognize.

“I deserve that,” he breathes out, “I fucked up. Can yeh at least hear me out, though? Don’t want to make excuses, but I think yeh need to know why I left.” Helena just raises an eyebrow and nods her head. “The day before your party, Rachel called m’up. Saying I was a shit boyfriend and all this shit. So I booked a ticket to see her for th’day. Thought I’d be back in time to make it to yours…”

“But then you stayed.” Helena finished his sentence.

“Yeah… I stayed. I felt like shit over it, but I figured it was better if I just left yeh alone and didn’t bother.”

“I can understand that, but that wasn’t your decision to make, H. Maybe if you told me, I would’ve understood. But you didn’t give me that chance…” She trails off and looks away from him, “and now, here we are.”

“Here we are.” He hums, agreeing with her.

“Why are you back, then?”

Harry sucks in a deep breath and exhales before answering her. “Rachel… She broke up with me. Told me she didn’t think we were good together.”

“I’m sorry.” Helena’s voice softens, feeling bad for Harry. She knew what heartbreak felt like now, and she wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Especially not Harry.

“S’okay, I deserve this now.” He shrugs his shoulders. Helena surprises herself by reaching across the table and grabbing his hand, rubbing her thumb over his knuckles.

“No one deserves to feel like shit, it’s her loss anyway.”

Harry lets out a small chuckle, “I keep telling myself tha’, doesn’t make it feel any better though… Just feel like an idiot.”

“You’re not.” Helena shakes her head. Harry then wordlessly pulls his hand away from hers and rolls up the left sleeve of his button-down shirt. She sees a few of his tattoos on his wrist and forearm, but when he uncovers the space just below his elbow, she speaks again. “Okay, maybe just a little bit of an idiot.”

“I know.” He sighs as he looks down at his arm. There’s a small but fairly visible letter ‘R’ written in script. “Got a fuckin’ tattoo for ‘er, like a fuckin’ idiot.”

“S’not great,” Helena reasons, “but you can always get it removed. Or covered up. People have done stupider things when they’re in love.” Like pine after someone who loved another person so much, they got a tattoo for them, she thinks.

“Would yeh come with me? To do the cover up?” He looks up at her, practically begging with his eyes.

“Yes.” She answers back immediately. She’d swim across the English Channel with him if he’d asked. All Helena wants, more than anything, is to spend time with Harry. She’s been too deprived of him for far too long.

“There’s a shop down the road, heard they do cheaper tattoos than most. D’yeh want to go now?”

She nods in response and Harry stands up, grabbing Helena’s flowers and handing them over after she collected her items. They walk next to each other as Harry follows the directions over Google Maps, and Helena reminisces to the times they’d walk down the street with their arms linked. She wonders if they’ll ever do that again. They arrive at the shop and it’s practically empty, save for an older man getting some large design done on his back. Helena takes a seat toward the front of the store as Harry speaks with an artist who leads him to a chair in the back. She can hear the needle from across the room and she’s glad she didn’t sit with him, unsure if she could stomach it. Helena can’t see Harry but she imagines he’s probably wincing in pain, given that it’s been almost an hour he’s been sitting there.

Another ten minutes pass until Helena hears the needles stop and can see Harry getting bandaged up. He stands up and shakes the artist’s hand before going to the counter to pay. He and Helena walk out of the shop without saying a word to each other, so Helena breaks the silence.

“So… What’d you get?” She looks at the white gauze covering his forearm. Harry smiles at her while he pulls some of the tape off, enough to just show his raw tattoo.

“A red rose,” he scans her face for a reaction, “would much rather have a memory of you than a memory of her.”

In that moment, Helena goes into autopilot. She’s forgotten that Harry had torn her heart out and left it to rot. She’s forgotten that he spent most of his summer with another girl. She’s forgotten that she technically has a boyfriend. Her mind is essentially blank as she places her hands on Harry’s cheeks and pulls him in for a kiss. He pushes into it and moves his lips against hers, swiping his tongue over her bottom lip. They’re full-on snogging in public and there may be people walking by, but it feels like they’re the last two people in the world. Harry and Helena are back together and right now that’s all that matters.

[studiobeebo]

Midterm Blues (College! Izuku Midoriya x Reader)

This is based off a thing from a college prompt list i found and then lost (pls if someone knows what im talking about send it to me). It’s fluffy and lame but hope you guys enjoy it!

This couldn’t be happening. The honestly, truly, could not be happening to him. Izuku had been working so damn hard on that gosh darn eight page research report in the past few hours, but in his physically and mentally drained stupor, he had ignored the little flashing notification letting him know his laptop was almost out of battery and before her knew it, his laptop had flickered off only to leave him staring at his own shocked face reflected in the now blank screen. For a second, he stared at his laptop that was resting atop his crossed legs in shock before letting out a loud yelp and pushing his laptop off of him and onto the library floor as gently as he could before scrambling to dig his charger out of his backpack. Unfortunately though, he was too late, and when his laptop had finally booted back up and he hastily re-opened the document page he was writing on, everything was gone.

So there he was, sitting on the floor of the main campus’s library with hot tears beginning to stream down his flushed cheeks while he frantically scrolled through his saved files to see if there was any remnants of all the work he had done, only to find nothing. His sniffles filled the secluded corner of the library he had settled into what felt like days ago, and while he had originally picked that spot because there was really never any other students around, this time he had been sadly mistaken.

You didn’t plan on going to the library that night, but when a friend of yours had texted you and asked you a question about your midterm paper for your English Composition class, you realized that it was, in fact, due tomorrow and you barely had a title page put together. Once you got to the library and got yourself settled though, you realized upon reading through the rubric for the paper that two of your references had to be from books, so you had to go off to search for some that would match your topic. It was during this search that you thought you heard someone crying and with your curiosity and will to procrastinate getting the best of you, you followed that noise until you found the source. A curly mop of green hair was what had first caught your attention and you had to let out an awkward “Oh..” upon realizing you recognized who that was. It wasn’t until the young man turned to look at whoever had stumbled upon him with puffy, red eyes still filled to the brim with tears, that you realized how stupid it was to be surprised that you found someone crying when that was sort of what you had been looking for.

“Oh, sorry..” You muttered out when you saw him anxiously begin to wipe away at the tears that were drenching his face. Poor thing..Obviously something bad had happened and here you were barging in on his..crying.

“You’re uh...Midoriya, right?” You asked softly, figuring the least you could do was try to help out somehow. Besides it would be kind of rude to just walk up, see someone you know crying, and the turn right back around and walk off.

“Ah sorry, maybe you don’t remember me? We had chem together last semester, and a few other classes too I think.” You continued on, scratching the back of your head awkwardly as your eyes looked upward while you tried to recount where you had known him from. You never really got the chance to talk to him much, but he always seemed like such a sweet and radiant person that you always wanted to try, you just never really got the chance.

He, on the other hand, didn’t need any help remembering you. With how much he had daydreamed about you before, you’d think that you were just some sort of figment of his imagination. Izuku technically couldn’t say he had a crush on you since he’d hardly ever even been able to stutter out a hello to you when you two had shared classes, but he definitely had something for you. He never even knew what it was, maybe it was just him thinking you were cute or maybe he had learned enough about you from awkwardly frequent glances and a lot of ‘accidental’ staring, but every time he saw you it was like you put some sort of spell on him. He wanted so badly to get to know you, hell, he’d give anything just to talk to you, but he could never bring himself to do so no matter how many times his friends encouraged him to.

That being said, the fact that the very first time he’d have the chance to talk to you was when he was crying his eyes out was pretty sad. He thought he had somewhat gotten better with holding in his emotions and not crying so much or being nervous all the time now that he was technically an adult, but of course you of all people had to find him during one of his weaker moments.

“N-No, I remember you..And yeah, that’s me..” He stuttered out, his voice wavering while he continued to rub at his eyes. God, couldn’t he get a break!? It was like the faucet in his eyes had gotten stuck at the worst of times and even the gift of your presence couldn’t fix it.

You didn’t find his current appearance as terrible as he did, though. Midterms could be hell and you had spent plenty of times yourself crying from stress or confusion over a project.

“So-Sorry, I’m...I lost a whole paper.” He whimpered out an explanation while jabbing a shaky thumb in the direction of his laptop.

Your features softened and you laughed softly, though it was at familiarity with the common situation and not at his crying.

“Ahh, man, that does suck! I’ve got something I’m working on too.” You spoke up with a bit more enthusiasm, trying your best to make the situation a bit more lighthearted. “Mind if I sit with you for a bit?” You continued on, taking a few steps closer to him. “Ah but if I’m being too pushy, just tell me to piss off.”

Izuku’s eyes widened at your last statement. You were actually asking if you could sit with him, he’d be absolutely insane to ask you to leave, even if it would save him from embarrassment. He shook his head and moved over a bit until his back was up against the wall so there was space for you to sit.

“You can sit! I mean, It’s not- you’re not being pushy.” He responded with a bit of hesitation in his voice.

The smile that lit up on your face was, however, was way more than enough to make his heart start racing and when you seated yourself down less than a foot away from him, he thought he might just start crying because of his unbelievable combination of bad and good luck.

For a moment, the two of you sat in a strange yet comfortable silence, Izuku doing everything he could to avert his eyes from your own and you just scanning the rows upon rows of books. You weren’t excellent at helping out people who were upset, but it’s the thought that counts, right?

“Sorry to hear about your paper Midoriya. When is it due?”

“..Tomorrow.” He sighed out, his little moment of bliss being interrupted by thoughts of his now nonexistent paper. His brain was absolutely fried and there was no way in hell he could redo the whole thing tonight. The best he could do would be to finish it over the weekend and take the bad grade…

“Why don’t you email your professor?” You asked, turning your head to look at him while you pulled your knees to your chest. When he finally looked up towards you with confusion in his eyes, you had to force yourself not to smile. He looked weirdly cute with tears in his eyes, maybe it’s because it made him seem so innocent, but either way you’d sound totally weird if you said that so you decided to keep it to yourself before furthering your explanation.

“Well I mean, from what I remember you’re a pretty hardworking guy. I’m sure your professor knows this, so maybe if you send an email explaining what happened, they’ll give you some extra time!”

In his exasperated and panicky state, he hadn’t even thought of doing that. He never thought of himself as a ‘hardworking guy’, but he still had a lot of doubts about different aspects of his personality so maybe that’s why.

“That’s a..good idea. I’ll have to do that.” He nodded, and for the first time since he lost his work, he cracked a bit of a smile. This made your own lips turn up into a satisfied grin. You had sort of been afraid you wouldn’t be able to do much to help him, but at least you had one good suggestion! Popping up from your seat, you stretched your arms up above your head before turning back to look at him again.

“Tell ya what, why don’t you do that and I’ll go get all my stuff and I’ll come work by you! Well, If you’re okay for staying a bit, I guess you probably want to go get some decent sleep..” You said, your words beginning with an excited tone and ending with a doubtful one. The guy was still crying a bit and you were asking him to sit and watch you work on your project. To him though, that was an incredible request. He thought you asking to sit with him was a miracle, but you asking him to sit with you? It was a dream come true.

“That would be nice! And I’d probably just worry myself too much to get any sleep right now anyways.” He replied, the smile on his face widening as his crying slowly halted to a stop.

Upon hearing his agreement, you gave him a thumbs up before turning on your heel and heading back over to the desk where you had left your bag and laptop. Instead of going right back to him though, you made a quick trip to the front lobby of the library to grab two sodas for the two of you to drink from one of the vending machines. When you finally made it back to him, you were happy to see that he had the remnants of a smile on his face despite his red eyes and cheeks. He had turned out to be as kind as you always thought him to be and you could only hope that he was as interested in gaining a new friend as you were.

Plopping down a few feet in front of him so you could talk face to face, you placed the soda you had gotten him on the floor in front of him before beginning to set up all your things.

“Figured you could use a pick-me-up. And no, you aren’t going to pay me back for it.”

The look on his face said that you had just stollen the words right from his thoughts and he was glad that he had only just stopped crying, otherwise he wouldn’t have much of an explanation for how hot his cheeks had gotten. Part of him wished he hadn’t waited so long to talk to you, even though technically you were the one who started the conversation, but at the same time he was happy that the two of you could officially meet in such a way.

With a flick of your fingers, you popped open the cap to your own drink before moving on to pop his open for him. After a moment, you held the drink up in front of you before your eyes met his own and you were blessed with that sparkling smile of his that you happily returned.

“Cheers to getting through our papers...And to new friends?” You asked, your brow raising to signify that you weren’t sure if that last bit was weird or okay to ask.

Luckily for you, he had never been happier to hear those words. With a grin still on his face, he raised his drink up with one hand and gave a confident thumbs up with the other, the positive idea of being friends with you making his night look a bit more promising.

“Yeah, to getting through papers, and making new friends!”

[7wanderingpaws]

hi hi!! and yuppp i know what u meant hehe but im glad he updated us with bble msgs to make up for the last past months and with the box updates im so glad he took that opportunity. so now no more tears and im really okay now!! (need to prepare heart for baekhyuns turn now jajfjdhhds)

my favourites from the sound room are cry for love and all i got!! bambi is an exception bcs that queen is out of the league (mind u i keep on singing bambi in my head since the first teaser started lmfao) few more hours and the album of the year is finally releasesss!!! cant wait and did u watch the second teaser last night? baekhyun is insane 😭😭😭😭😭 hes rly insane when he said the mv is the mv of life he rly meant it :))))))

and lastly, i hope youre doing good with all stuffs and studies 😘 take a break whenever u need okie! and thankyou for thinking about me 🤭💕 i occasionally thinking bout u too and i feel bad for not being active here and give feedback for the sequel 🥺 i will be less busy soon so expect me to annoy u in asks 🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭 have a good day!!! and love u too 💙💙

Hi my dear! Im sorry for the super late reply... super busy these days and I wanted to give a proper reply :/

the MV is so good, whew... I mean... I wasnt expecting anything less, the production was amazing but goodness when he was dancing with the backup dancer ladies and those hips... I went a lil red there, aint gonna lie heheheheheh. I thought he was smoking in the beginning of the MV!!! >< (which i wouldnt have minded) it was soooo mysterious and I swore I saw some Rain (the singer) in him and his face expressions. I think i could go on and on and on about the MV... loved the scenes in the tunnel with the fireworks, that was such a climax damn!! did you like the whole MV?

Thank you!!! <3 youre so kind! And no worries, you read when you want to, or you dont have to at all 🥺😭 i rly dont mind. 💘❤ pls take care and Im always looking forward to interact! <3 <3 take care dear!

[blue-collects-things]

ok IT book spoilers ahead so beware but stan kills himself as an adult and I'd like to imagine what it would be like if he struggled with suicide as a kid too. I also like to imagine what it would be like if bill walked in on him in the middle of an attempt. :)c

The Scent of Purple Hyacinth

Stan Uris x Bill Denbrough

Word Count: 6.2k

Warnings: suicide attempt, graphic descriptions of suicide, depression, anxiety

Author’s Note: This is something I’ve been kind of putting off for a while because it’s some pretty heavy stuff and I wanted to execute it well. The losers are about high school junior age (about 16/17) in this to give some perspective. It gets pretty graphic and I tagged that, but just be cautious please. My messages are always open if you need someone to talk to, to vent to, anything. Don’t stay silent. Also, I must have listened to Heal by Tom Odell and Oblivion by Bastille 400 million times each while writing this to get some perspective. Please enjoy.

Read it on ao3

The day that everything went to hell started out pretty normal, all things considered.

Bill had had a decent day, got to spend time with his friends and boyfriend, and only had a little homework to do after football practice. He was halfway home when he realized he left his history notes in his locker and needed them to study for the test tomorrow. He turned back around, hoping to catch someone who could let him back in. As he ran up to the front steps, Bill caught sight of the janitor tying a black bag full of trash and knocked on the main doors of the school building.

The older man fumbled with the keys on his ring momentarily before unlocking the door. “What are you doing here so late, Bill?” he asks.

“Hey, Gary. Forgot my notes,” Bill explains, “I’ll b-be back in a minute.” He rushes up the steps, taking them two at a time, to get to the third floor. He walks briskly down the hall to get to his locker and put in the combination. When he flings the door open, a piece of paper flutters to the ground. He crosses his eyebrows in confusion before bending to pick it up. He instantly recognizes the handwriting on the outside that his initials are written in as Stan’s elegant script. Bill unfolds it and reads the six-word note.

William, my love,I’m sorry.-Stanley

Something about this doesn’t sit right with Bill. He grabs his history notebook, slams the locker shut, not bothering with the lock, and sprints back to his car. He drives several miles above the speed limit to get to Stan’s house on the other side of town. He feels the panic ebbing and flowing with his bloodstream as he pauses at stop lights and gasses on green ones. He makes the near twenty minute drive in nine. He doesn’t bother with shutting the car door as he runs up the front steps of the Uris household. He thumps his fist against the front door and shouts, “Stan! Stan, a-are you in there? He-ello?” When there is no answer after ten seconds of waiting, Bill dashes to the side of the porch where a spare key sits under a pot of hydrangeas. He fumbles to fit the key in the slot but finally gets it.

After he shuts the door, everything inside is eerily quiet, save for the pounding blood in Bill’s ears. “Stan?” he calls out. Faintly he can hear the water running upstairs. So someone is home, he thinks, only worrying himself further. He climbs the stairs and figures out that the noise is coming from Stan’s room. “Stan?” he asks once more, pushing the door open gently. He notices immediately the adjacent bathroom’s door is shut. Bill passes the foot of the bed and trips over something, landing squarely on the floor. It is in this position he notices water leaking out from under the door.

“Hey, Stanny, are you in there?” Bill asks once he’s stood up. He tries to open the door, but it won’t budge. Not like it’s locked, but like something is pressed up against it. Worry renews itself in Bill’s body as he drives his shoulder into the door. He keeps pushing and pushing and pushing and finally whatever was lodged under the doorknob comes loose and Bill can get inside. In the process, he knocks over the chair he assumes was keeping the door shut.

And then he almost falls over again. Water pools around his feet, completely drenching his sneakers and the edge of his jeans. He notices with increasing horror that the water is tinted pink. His eyes slowly, too slowly, follow the water back to its source. The bath is overflowing and in it lays Stan, incrementally sliding under the water. His eyes are closed and the veins around them stand out so prominently, they look tattooed there.

Bill goes into overdrive. He rushes to the side of the tub, falling to his knees and turning off the water. “Stanley!” He smacks his hand against his boyfriend’s cheek and pulls him into more of a sitting position. “C’mon, h-honey, open your eyes.” Bill gets no response as he looks over Stan’s body. He’s still wearing his clothes, a long sleeved sweater and jeans. Bill delicately rolls up a sleeve and backs away upon seeing what was underneath, covering his mouth with his bloody fingers. “Chr-christ!” Stan’s arm is shredded, littered with old, white scars and new open wounds. A long slash runs from his wrist to his elbow. Bill feels like he might vomit as he looks around again, seeing the glinting of the blade Stan used in the other end of the tub. He also spots an open pill bottle labeled Eszopiclone, a sleeping pill prescribed to Stan’s dad.

Bill lets out a string of curse words and feels his eyes water as he fumbles his cellphone out of his pocket. He slides to the emergency screen and dials 9-1-1, hating how long it seems to take for them to answer. “911, what’s your emergency?” a woman answers after two rings.

“I th-think my boyfriend tried to commit s-s-suicide,” Bill says, choking out the last word, the tears in his eyes falling freely.

“Okay, I’ll dispatch an ambulance to your location. What is your address?” Bill rattles off the Uris’s address and waits for the next question. “Alright, the ambulance is on its way. Is he breathing?”

Bill dashes back to Stan and watches to see if his chest goes up and down. In his panic, he had not thought to check for breathing. He notices a rise and fall, however a faint one. “Y-yes, b-but very, v-very sh-h-hallowly.”

“What about his heart beat?” Bill lays two fingers against the hollow of Stan’s throat and waits for something. The pulse is slow. So slow, Bill can count five seconds between the beats. He reports this to the 911 operator who tells him to stay on the line. He hears sirens in the distance and soon he hears footsteps coming inside the house.

“Where are you?” a man’s voice calls out.

“U-up here!” Bill calls back. Everything starts to move in slow motion after that. The paramedics enter Stan’s bedroom and Bill moves out of the way. He watches as they lift Stan’s limp body from the bathtub and carry him out to the hallway where a gurney is set up. Bill follows behind as they push the gurney outside and lift him into the ambulance. “Pl-please, let me-ee c-come wi-hith you.” The paramedic closest to him nods once and helps Bill hoist himself into the ambulance. He watches on silently as the two men in the back tuck cannulas into Stan’s nostrils and bandage his arms several times over.

Bill doesn’t know how long it takes to get to the hospital. All he does know is that he prays the whole way there. He prays when he hasn’t in years, asking for Stan’s life. He bargains and pleads and begs that Stan will be okay. He is still praying as he is ushered out of the ambulance and follows after the gurney until a nurse stops him. “I n-need to kno-how h-he’s ok-k-kay!”

“Sir, I’m going to need you to calm down,” the nurse says. He gestures towards a room full of chairs. “Take a seat and we’ll update you when we have information.”

Bill knows the nurse is right and deflates a little. “Pl-please,” he asks, “just make su-hure he’s okay.” The nurse nods and Bill goes to take a seat. He pulls out his phone again and calls Mrs. Uris. He sobs as he reports the news to her and tells her where they are. After he hangs up, he sends a blunt text to the losers club group message: stan is hurt, please come to hospital.

He clicks his phone off and feels the exhaustion of the day sink in. He dozes off before he knows what’s happening.

~ ~ ~

When Bill wakes up an hour later, he is surrounded, the near-empty waiting room now filled with his friends and some others. Bev is seated directly next to him and notices he’s awake first. “There’s no news,” she reports without Bill having to ask. He nods and buries his head in his hands.

“A-hare the U-urises h-h-here?” His voice comes out muffled.

“Yeah,” Richie says from across the room. “They’re talking to the doctors.” Bill notices with muted shock that Richie is crying silently, a steady stream of tears flowing down his face. In the next chair over, Eddie places his hand over his boyfriend’s and closes his eyes. “I’ve gotta get out of here. I’m going insane.” He pushes out of the chair and angrily walks towards the exit.

From the other side of Bev, Mike begins to follow after, but Eddie waves him down. “Just let him go. He needs to cool off.” His voice is incredibly tight and Bill rises from his own chair to sit next to the small boy.

“Ho-ow are y-y-you holding u-up? I kno-how Stan is your be-e-est friend,” Bill asks. He hesitantly looks up to see the incredulous face Eddie is making. “What?”

Eddie just chuckles humorlessly and shakes his head. “Even when I should be the one asking you, you’re worried about everyone else. Jesus, Big Bill, how are you holding up? Stan is your boyfriend, for Christ’s sake. I don’t know what I’d do if that were Richie.” And suddenly, he breaks down, ugly sobs racking his tiny frame. Bill carefully places an arm around Eddie’s shoulder and pulls him closer. The other losers slowly surround them, Ben taking the chair on the other side of Eddie and rubbing slow circles on his shoulder, Mike coming up from behind and wrapping him in a bear hug, and Bev kneeling in front of them all, her hand delicately threaded through Eddie’s.

“I just wish he’d have said something to us,” Mike says, also crying. Bill has only seen him cry once and that was years ago, so it sends him over the edge. Soon all of them are crying and huddled together, dependent on each other for support. Eventually, Richie comes back, face a red mess from his own crying. Bev reaches out a hand for him to join them, which he takes and sits on the floor near Bill’s feet. They all have a grasp on one another, making sure that they’re all still there.

Distantly, Bill hears the squeak of shoes coming towards their group, but he doesn’t look up until he hears a small, “Ahem.” Donald and Andrea Uris stand in the hallway flanked by doctors. Mike is the first to go to them and hug Mrs. Uris, followed closely thereafter by the rest of the losers.

A doctor explains to them what they did: “Hello, I’m Doctor Rose Mendoza and this is Doctor Jarred Alexander. We’re two of the surgeons who worked on Stanley. I’m sorry we’ve had to meet in such circumstances.” She gives a sympathetic look before continuing. “We pumped Stan’s stomach and had to repair the damage to his arms. It also seems he gave himself a concussion, presumably from falling in the tub. We gave him a blood infusion and he’s doing well at the moment. It’s a good thing you caught it as soon as you did.” This last part is directed at Bill. “Had you not found him so early on, we’re not so confident he’d be alive right now.” Bill bites back a sob and feels Richie grab his hand on one side, Bev on the other.

Another doctor adds on to his colleague’s report, “He’s still under the anesthesia from the surgery, but it might take him a little longer because of the head trauma and excessive blood loss. I suggest that you go in there and talk to him, tell him about your past week at school, any plans you might have had for the weekend. Let him know you’re still there. He can hear you and he’ll wake up in his own time.”

“I’ll go first,” Richie offers. He turns to Bill. “Are you okay with that?” Bill only nods and Richie gives his hand a quick squeeze before letting go and following the doctors down the hall and to the left, disappearing into the sterile whiteness.

~ ~ ~

Stan can’t move or see, but he can hear everything.

He can hear the doctors telling his parents what happened and knowing that he failed to do what he set out to, hears them crying and feels their tender touches, hears the heart monitor beeping slowly, hears trays and and carts and voices passing by, though sounding far, far away.

Right now, he’s hearing a familiar voice say, “Hey, Stan the Man. How are you doing?” Richie, his mind supplies, feeling a little appalled it took as long as it did to recognize his friend. “Wow, what a dumb question, you’re obviously not doing too hot or else we wouldn’t be in here.” There is a silence and Stan hears Richie suck in a sharp breath and a gentle warmth encloses his left hand. “The doctors told me to talk and apparently I’m really good at that, so here goes nothing.” And Richie does talk, about school, about the photography club he’s in, everything. He tells Stan secret wishes and hopes and dreams, things he’s only shared with Eddie, he discloses.

I wish I could ask you questions and talk back, Stan thinks helplessly.

“You know, I wish you would have said something. We-” Richie stops and Stan can tell he’s trying to swallow the emotion rising in the back of his throat. “We’re so worried. I mostly feel like a shit friend for not noticing you were suffering.” And suddenly there is a choked sobbed coming out of Richie and he rises from the chair, taking his warmth away from Stan’s hand. “Bill is a mess. He won’t say anything, but I can tell. If you can hear me in there, Stanny, I want you to know we’re all here for you, but that boy would go through hell and high water to make you happy. Talk to him when you wake up because he loves you.” A short pause. “We all do.” And then the door opens and closes again, signaling his departure.

Stan notes Richie’s use of the word when and not if and a small shred of determination to wake up takes root in Stan’s heart.

~ ~ ~

Bev and Ben come in next. Together they tell Stan about how want to go on a road trip all over the country to visit all fifty states after they graduate. Ben wants to see the world’s largest rubber band ball and the Golden Gate Bridge. Bev wants to visit New York City to see whatever show is playing on Broadway and the fashion district. They talk about wanting to move in together and the kind of house they’re going to get.

Ben says he’s going to design it. A wide open kitchen with all the newest appliances where they can practice cooking and make pancakes every Sunday morning. There would be a big living room with plenty of couch space for losers club movie night. An office for Ben and a sewing room for Bev. A big garden where they grow their own veggies and fruits and seasonal flowers. There will be one big bedroom for them to share and plenty spare rooms for their friends.

They speak about wanting to adopt a dog, but can’t decide which breed they want. Bev really wants a black French bulldog and a Dalmatian, but Ben says only one dog. He argues that a golden retriever would be the best option. Either way, they can’t decide on a name. They want Stan’s advice because he always has insightful things to say.

I think Maisie would be good for a girl dog and Jackson for a boy dog. Or maybe you should name the dog based on what it looks like, he thinks in response, but of course they can’t hear him.

They speak energetically and Stan appreciates that; it’s a welcome distraction from his immobility. But he can tell that their laughter is forced because of the strain in Ben’s voice when he speaks and the nervous tapping of Bev’s foot against the tile floor. “Wake up soon, Stanley,” Ben says quietly, a sullenness like Stan has never heard filling his words. “We miss you.” Then someone leaves, the door opening and falling shut again letting him know.

The sudden fragrance of pomegranates and mangos filling his nose tells him that Bev is still in the room. She leans close, her body heat easing some of the chill Stan is feeling. “Please wake up,” she whispers, gently brushing some of his hair out of his face. She places a soft kiss that lasts for about three seconds on his forehead. He feels a drop of wetness fall there when she pulls away. “Please.” And then she is gone as well, taking with her the comfort of another’s presence.

~ ~ ~

Eddie and Mike come in together a little after the previous couple leave. Mike does most of the talking with an interjection from Eddie once in a while.

“On Saturday, the farm is getting some baby chicks. I was going to ask you guys over to help my dad and me sort them. There’s always too many for us to do in one day and we could always use a set of helping hands or six.” Mike chuckles at his own joke before talking about his farm more. The animals and what’s being planted and harvested right now. All the while, Stan can hear Eddie moving about in his tiny room. There is the sound of spritz bottles and the smell of cleaner fills the air.

“Eddie, what the hell are you doing?” Mike asks at one point, interrupting his own story.

Stan hears Eddie let out an exasperated sigh and wants to laugh at the sound. “I want this room to be germ-free when Stan wakes up so he can heal as quick as physically possible. Being sick won’t help anything.” Stan feels grateful for Eddie’s fussing and wants more than anything to hug his tiny friend.

Stan hears Eddie disappear into another room, cleaner bottle still going, and assumes there is an adjacent bathroom to his room. Mike leans closer to him, the comforting smell of his laundry detergent and aftershave calming Stan’s spinning mind. “I have a secret for you,” he says incredibly quietly. “When you come to, we’re going to be here to help you. We love you and want you to get better. Just remember, every step of the way, we’ll be there right beside you to catch you when you slip and to simply be in your company when you’re feeling good. Don’t forget that you have six personal shrinks at your disposal.” He chuckles melancholily, and Stan hears him swallow thickly. He wants to throw his arms around Mike. He wants to embrace all of his friends, but since he can’t, he adds it to his list of reasons to wake up. He is starting to understand that he doesn’t have to ache on his own, but it is okay to be hurting. “Get better, Stan.” He ruffles Stan’s curls and then the door opens, shuts, and there is silence.

Then, he hears Eddie flush the toilet and the sink water running. It is a while before the sink water turns off, but Stan is not surprised Eddie washes his hands that thoroughly, especially considering that he was just handling cleaning supplies. After the water stops running, Eddie comes back into the main room. Stan hears him come closer before laying his head on Stan’s chest and hugging him gently around the waist. “I- I love you, Stanny, we all do. Please wake up, but do it for your own sake, okay? Want to get better.” Eddie is tender as he mirrors Bev’s actions of pushing his hair out of his face. Stan hears a sniffle before the door opens and shuts again, leaving him alone once more.

~ ~ ~

It’s hours before someone visits Stan again.

He realizes offhandedly that visiting hours would’ve ended soon after he got admitted to his own room, but he still panics. What if they stopped caring about me? he can’t help but think. That’s stupid. They all literally came in here to tell you how much they love you, dumbass, another part of his brain counters. Yeah, all of them, he thinks.

Except for Bill.

Visiting hours, remember? He’ll be here. The rational part of his brain does a pretty good job of calming him down.

The nurses check on him periodically, taking his vitals and replacing the IV drip medication. A nurse, who introduces herself as Daisy, tells him that this is the first time she’s had to take care of a suicide survivor and that he should want to get better, that she’s seen all his friends’ faces, his mother’s tears, his father’s set jaw and clenching fists. Daisy says that he definitely has great things and people to live for, but the greatest one is himself. It makes him want to cry. How had he not realized that his friends would always be there for him, that this burden was not his alone to bear? Daisy squeezes his hand every time she checks on him, “To let you know I’m here when you wake up,” she explains once. She seems kind even though Stan can’t see her and for that kindness, he cannot wait to thank her.

It has been a few minutes since the new nurse, Dahlia, had taken his vitals for the morning shift of nurses when his door opens again. The room is suddenly filled with an overly sweet scent. At first, it feels like the smell is suffocating Stan, a feeling that he relates to being force-fed syrupy cough medication. After a bit, however, it is comforting, like the scent has been there all along. Whoever is in the room with him sets something down on the table next to him, the sticky sweet smell getting stronger, and drags out the chair on his right side. The person picks up his hand and places a gentle kiss on his knuckles before planting one on his cheek and another on his knuckles. Stan would recognize the smell of the shampoo with a permanent underlying tang of chlorine without the sharp, clean fragrance of familiar cologne.

Bill, my Bill.

“Hi, Stanny,” he says, a thumb brushing over Stan’s fingers. “I miss you.” And right out of the gate, Stan wants to burst into sobs. I miss you, too, he wants so badly to reply. I miss you so goddamn much. “It f-feels a little strange having a one-w-w-way conversation, but I’ll try my ha-arrdest just to talk.” There is a brief pause where Bill sucks in a sharp breath. “I w-went back to your hou-ou-ouse last night. I cl-cl-cleaned up the bathroo-hoom so your m-mom didn’t have to.” Stan feels a hot spiral of guilt drill through his stomach. I caused that. Bill had to see me like that. He wanted to say something, but Bill keeps talking. “I m-m-made dinner for m-me and your pa-harents but no-nobody could eat. We w-w-were all so w-worried for you Stan. We cou-houldn’t sleep either. I tried to sl-sl-ee-eep in your bed, but I j-just couldn’t sh-sh-shut my thou-houghts down. I e-ended up on th-he roof and sat i-i-in the same sp-sp-spot where I told you I l-loved you the first time. D-d-do you reme-hember that, Stanny? I stuttered e-e-even more than u-usual. I was so ne-hervous.” He chuckles and Stan feels himself wanting to smile. Of course he remembers; it was one of the best days of his life.

It was a blustery fall day in Derry, but that didn’t stop Stan from showing Bill his favorite spot to think when his brain got to be a little too much to handle. He had dragged him up through the attic, the two boys’ hands desperately clenched together. They claimed it was so neither of them fell but there was definitely an anterior motive. The wind had caused them to pull the hoods of their hoodies up to protect themselves from its harshness.

“Isn’t it beautiful?” Stan had asked, looking out at the incredible view he got of Derry from this high up. He sat down, legs dangling off the edge, Bill following suit. He could see the spires of the Methodist church across town and the American flag that rose from the pole on top of the high school. The sun was just setting and the sky was shades of pink and purple and red. Stan could just tell Bill’s hands were itching to get out his watercolor pencils and draw it.

“N-not as b-b-beautifu-hul as yo-oo-oo-ou,” Bill said. His stutter seemed to have gotten the best of him. Stan whipped around to look at his boyfriend. Bill’s eyes were unwavering and staring lovingly at him. Stan smiled at how cute Bill was and extended his fingers towards his boyfriend so they could hold hands. They are silent for a moment, the warmth between them reflecting back and forth. Stan leaned his head on Bill’s shoulder when he said it, “I-I lo-hove y-y-you.” For the second time that night, Stan whipped his head around to look at his boyfriend. Bill wasn’t looking at him this time and his high cheekbones were alight with a bright blush.

Stan squeezed his hand and smiled as he said, “I love you, too” and meant it. They had only been dating for four months, but they both loved each other to the moon and back.

That was before It. Before the Deadlights.

Stan is brought back to the present by Bill sniffing. His voice is tight when he speaks again: “I l-love you sti-hill. You kn-know that, ri-right? I w-w-will always love yo-hou, Stanny. A-always.” Then Bill is crying horrible, body-wracking sobs. “I’m s-s-sorry. I’m s-so, s-so sorry. I’m sorry I di-hidn’t n-notice you we-here in pain. I-I’m sorry I didn’t a-a-ask you ho-ow you w-w-were doing m-more often. I’m s-sorry I di-hidn’t force you t-to ta-ha-halk about what ha-a-appened wh-when we w-w-were kids. I’m just s-so sorry for being a sh-shitty boyfriend and fo-hor everything else. It’s m-my fault. I-I’m sorry.” Bill’s final emphasized apology sends Stan over the edge. He wants to shout at the top of his lungs and cry and get angry and be upset all at the same time. It’s not your fault! It’s mine! It’s all mine! his mind screams.

Then, Dahlia comes back in to check on his vitals again. She introduces herself to Bill who gives a clipped greeting. “Lovely flowers,” she comments, removing her rubber gloves and tossing them in the trash when she’s finished with her examination. “What are they?

“Th-they’re hyacinth,” Bill responds curtly. After Dahlia leaves, Bill returns to his spot by Stan’s side. He sounds remarkably calmer when he speaks: “Do you know th-the my-hyth how hyacinth got its na-hame?” Stan can’t answer, but if he could he would still say no. “Well, the sun god, Apollo, and the god of the west wind, Zephyr, were competing for the affection of a mortal boy they both loved. His name was Hyakinthos. One day, Apollo was teaching Hyakinthos to throw discus and Zephyr got very jealous. He sent a violent wind their way that made the disc come back at Hyakinthos, which struck and killed him. The brokenhearted Apollo named the flowers the sprouted from his spilled blood hyacinth to remember him.” Whenever Bill told stories, he never stuttered. It was like an override function that allowed to him to speak without ruining the flow of his tale. Stan always loves to hear stories from his boyfriend and this time is no exception, only he wishes the story was a little happier. “Th-that’s why I got you purple hyacinth. I’m sure you sme-helled them when I came in.” Bill lets out a short laugh. “Purple hy-hyacinth means asking for f-f-forgiveness and symbolizes deep regre-het. I h-hope you can forgive me for what a terrible boyfriend I-I-I’ve been, not being able to see when the only person I’ve ever lo-hoved was hurting.”

And suddenly, Stan is very angry, Because how dare Bill think he was to blame for Stan’s fucked up mind? How could he think he was the reason for aftereffects of that demented, child-eating monster? For the past two days, Stan kept telling himself how he wants to wake up, but now he was going to try. He focuses all of his energy on moving something, anything. I’m coming, Bill. Hold on. He feels his fingers tingle and tries to squeeze them around Bill’s hand. When he succeeds, he hears Bill suck in a gasp. “St-Stanny, is that yo-hou, love? Can you h-h-hear me?” Stan squeezes his hand a second time and Bill lets out a teary chuckle. “God, I l-l-love you so mu-huch. I’m here when you wake up, o-okay?” Stan gives one more squeeze before feeling totally drained and slipping into the darkness at the back of his mind.

~ ~ ~

When Stan comes to, he is surrounded by his friends. He blinks his bleary eyes open and studies all the familiar faces in his room. They are chatting in hushed tones with one another so they don’t see him wake. He shakily lifts his left hand to get Richie’s attention knowing his loud mouth will get everyone else’s attention. His fingers gently brush against his friend’s bare wrist, making him jump. When Richie turns to see his friend awake, tears immediately spring to his eyes and a sad smile turns his lips upward. He lets out a few quick breaths, saying “Stan” on one of his exhales.

Then, there are five more pairs of eyes on him. They are all crying, even Mike who Stan had only seen cry a handful of times, which makes Stan cry as well. All the pent up emotions from yesterday, the day before that, all the way back to the sewers come flowing freely out. He tries to speak, but his voice pains him from so many hours of disuse. Bev rushes to the windowsill where a pitcher of water was being stored to keep it chilled and pours some in a cup for him. She delicately lifts it to his lips because his arms are shaking like leaves.

When he’s finished with his drink, Stan clears his throat a few times before beginning to talk: “I’m sorry.” And his voice is shaky, from the crying or something else, he doesn’t know. “I’m sorry you all had to go through that.”

Bill takes his previous seat and holds Stan’s hand like it’s going to break. “Sh, sh,” he hushes. “Wh-what do you have to be sorry a-a-about?”

Stan lets out a few more heartbreaking whimpers before clenching his eyes and drawing in a shaky breath to order his thoughts. “I’m sorry that I didn’t trust you guys enough to tell you what was going on. You all- you just wanted to help me but I thought I could handle the horrors of my own mind by myself. I couldn’t.” Stan punctuates the awful explanation with a humorless laugh. None of his friends find that funny, though. “When It came to Derry and I was alone with that fucking clown, It showed me It’s true form.” Stan shivers as he recollects what happened that day.

They had ventured into the sewers to find Bev, the ominous bloody message sending them right into the heart of It’s lair. Stan, of course, was reluctant to descend underground through the house of Neibolt Street, but they had no choice. Bev was in danger and it was up to them to save her. They were almost all in the entrance way when Henry Bowers nearly killed Mike.

That’s when he heard it: Stanley, the wind seemed to whisper. He turned abruptly, his flashlight beam falling on another stretch of sewers. Stanley, come here, it said again. Against his will, Stan’s legs began to move towards the sound. He knew rationally that straying from his group was a bad idea, but he couldn’t stop moving. His lungs expanded and shrunk rapidly as he entered an open chamber. All around him he heard the voice and the dripping of the pipes. We all float down here, Stanley. And then he was attacked. He got knocked to the ground and he tried to scream but he couldn’t.

“It opened It’s mouth and I saw-” Stan shudders as he retells the story. Bev places a grounding hand on his left shoulder and Mike stands by her to rub his fingers over the back of Stan’s hand. “I saw It’s true form. It was dark and cold and I felt like there was no hope left in the world. I felt so- so alone, like I’d never be happy ever again. And then you guys came and-” He draws in a shaky breath. “If you hadn’t pulled that thing off of me, I think I’d be dead or crazy.”

“Why didn’t you just tell us?” Eddie says, a strange tightness in his voice. He looks a little angry with Stan, but Stan doesn’t blame him.

“Yeah.” Ben contributes, wiping his nose on his sleeve. “We would’ve understood. We were all tormented by It. We wouldn’t judge.”

“But you don’t know!” Stan says, frustrated tears rolling down his cheeks. He feels Bill put his elbows on the bed and raise the hand he was holding to his lips. He was crying as well. “I got so paranoid after that. If you guys didn’t answer my text messages in ten minutes, I got worried that you’d gotten taken, or worse, that you were ignoring me.”

“Never,” Richie says. It’s strange that he had been so quiet until now, usually the one to command a conversation’s direction. “Never, ever, Stan. Do you understand?”

“I do now,” Stan replies, reaching to link his pinky with Richie’s, the only movement his shaking arms could allow. “But before, nothing could convince me. I just- lost all hope. Food didn’t taste like anything, so I stopped eating. Whenever I slept, I would only see It and the horrible things It showed me, so I only slept as little as I could get away with. I’d get anxious every time I stepped outside my house alone, like people knew that I was depressed and suspicious about everything. Then I started- started cutting to release some of that pain. It worked for a bit but I still wasn’t happy or at least not sad. And then yesterday happened.” He realizes he’s taking short, choppy breaths and that his friends are crying full force again. They’re all silent for a while, long enough for Dahlia and Doctor Mendoza to check on him. His friends are banished from his room while they take his blood pressure and talk to him.

“We’re going to give you some antidepressants,” Doctor Mendoza says, pulling out a pad and pen from her breast pocket. “And there’s a therapist that’s ready to see you whenever you get out. She’ll want to see you for an two hours twice a week to assess you. Until then, you’ll talk to the one we have on staff here. Okay, Stanley?”

“Yes,” he says confidently. “I want to get better.”

“Well, that is certainly a step in the right direction,” Doctor Mendoza says, a smile lining her lips. “I’ll get your friends back in here.” She leaves with a small “thanks” from Stan. He sees, now that the door is open, that his friends only crowded together right outside. He smiles wide and finally realizes that these people are with him every step of the way.

~ ~ ~

Stan is getting better. He still sees Iris, his therapist, twice every month, but that’s an improvement. Some days are bad, yes, when he can barely get out of bed because he feels hopeless. But these are the days when Eddie comes by before and after school to make sure that Stan is still taking his medications and talks to him and brings him homework. These are the days Ben brings over Lego sets that have a thousand or more pieces to distract Stan. These are the days when Richie and Bev bring CDs and dinner and sit with him while they all eat and listen to whatever artist is singing. These are the days when Mike brings over his dog, Mr. Chips, so that Stan can pet him for focus. These are the days when Bill ditches school or work altogether to lay with Stan and hold him until he feels whole again.

These are the days that Stan realizes he has two caring parents, five incredibly persistent best friends, and one exceptionally devoted boyfriend who all love him dearly. And it’s all Stan could ask for.

~ ~ ~

I just want to say two things before I wrap this up.1. To the anon who requested this: you have the patience of a saint and I wish I had me some of that.2. Please, please, please talk to someone if you feel at all like Stan did in this. Even if it’s not a face-to-face conversation, it will help. I promise.Have a request? Submit one here. See my masterlist here.