#pls dont make me write it myself | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

purinrinrin · 10 months ago

Text

A guide to AI art for artists

When AI art first hit the web I was amazed by the technology. Then later, when it came out that these image generators were trained on images by living artists scraped from the public web with no consent or compensation, my opinion of it was soured. It took a lot of effort for me to push past that distaste in order to properly research the technology so that I could help myself and others to understand it. This is why I’m compiling all the information I’ve found here. I hope you find it helpful.

Terminology

To start off, there are a lot of different terms out there when it comes to AI nowadays so I’m going to try to define some of them so you can understand what people mean when they use them (and so you can tell when they’re full of shit).

Artificial Intelligence. AI is a big buzzword right now in the tech sector and at times feels like it’s being thrown at anything and everything just to attract investors. Cambridge Dictionary defines it as:

the use or study of computer systems or machines that have some of the qualities that the human brain has, such as the ability to interpret and produce language in a way that seems human, recognize or create images, solve problems, and learn from data supplied to them

It’s kind of what it says on the tin - an artificial, that is, human-created system that has abilities similar to those of intelligent life forms. (I’d argue comparing the abilities of AI solely to those of humans does a disservice to the intelligence of many non-human animals but I digress.)

At the moment when you read things online or in the news, AI is likely being used to refer to machine learning which is a type of AI.

Algorithm

The word algorithm describes a process based on a set of instructions or rules used to find a solution to a problem. The term is used in maths as well as computing. For example, the process used to convert a temperature from Fahrenheit to Celsius is a kind of algorithm:

subtract 32

divide by 9

multiply by 5

These instructions must be performed in this specific order.

Nowadays on social media “the algorithm” is used to refer to a specific kind of algorithm - a recommendation algorithm - which is a kind of machine learning algorithm.

Machine Learning

Machine learning is a term used to refer to the the use of a computer algorithm to perform statistical analysis of data (and often large amounts of it) to produce outputs, whether these are images, text or other kinds of data. Social media recommendation algorithms collect data on the kind of content a user has looked at or interacted with before and uses this to predict what other content they might like.

I’ll explain it in very simple terms with an analogy. Consider a maths problem where you have to work out the next number in a sequence. If you have the sequence 2, 4, 6, 8, 10 you can predict that the next number would be 12 based on the preceding numbers each having a difference of 2. When you analyse the data (the sequence of numbers) you can identify a pattern (add 2 each time) then apply that pattern to work out the next number (add 2 to 10 to get 12).

In practice, the kind of analysis machine learning algorithms do is much more complex (social media posts aren’t numbers and don’t have simple relationships with each other like adding or subtracting) but the principle is the same. Work out the pattern in the data and you can then extrapolate from it.

The big downside to these algorithms is that since the rules behind their decision making are not explicitly programmed and are instead based on data it can be difficult to figure out why they produce the outputs they do, making them a kind of “black box” system. When machine learning algorithms are given more and more data, it becomes exponentially harder for humans to reason about their outputs.

Training Data and Models

Another term you’ll come across is “training” or talking about how an AI is “trained”. Training data refers to the data that is used to train the model. The process of training is the statistical analysis and pattern recognition I talked about above. It enables the algorithm to transform a dataset (collections of images and text) into a statistical model that works like a computer program to take inputs (a text prompt) to produce outputs (images).

As a general rule, the bigger the dataset used for training, the more accurate the outputs of the resulting trained model. Once a model is created, the format of the data is completely different to that of the training data. The model is also many orders of magnitude smaller than the original training data.

Text-to-image model AKA AI image generator, generative AI

Text-to-image model is the technical term for these AI image generators:

DALL-E (OpenAI)

Midjourney

Adobe Firefly

Google Imagen

Stable Diffusion (Stability AI)

The technology uses a type of machine learning called deep learning (I won’t go into this here. If you’d like to read more; good luck. It’s very technical). The term text-to-image is simple enough. Given a text prompt, the model will generate an image to match the description.

Stable Diffusion

Stable diffusion is different from other image generators in that its source code is publically available. Anyone with the right skills and hardware can run this. I don’t think I’d be incorrect in saying that this is the main reason why AI art has become so widespread online since stable diffusion’s release in 2022. For better or worse, open-sourcing this code has democratised AI image generation.

I won’t go deep into how stable diffusion actually works because I don’t really understand it myself but I will talk about the process of acquiring training data and training the models it uses to generate images.

What data is used?

I already talked about training data but what actually is it? And where does it come from? In order to answer this I’m going to take you down several rabbit holes.

LAION-5B

Taking stable diffusion as an example, it uses models trained on various datasets made available by German non-profit research group LAION (Large-scale Artificial Intelligence Open Network). The biggest of these datasets is LAION-5B which is refined down to several smaller datasets (~2 billion images) based on language. They describe LAION-5B as “a dataset of 5,85 billion CLIP-filtered image-text pairs”. Okay. What does “CLIP-filtered image-text pairs” mean?

CLIP

OpenAI’s CLIP (Contrastive Language-Image Pre-training) is (you guessed it) another machine learning algorithm that has been trained to label images with the correct text. Given an image of a dog, it should label that image with the word “dog”. It does a little bit more than this as well. When an image is analysed with CLIP it can output a file called an embedding. This embedding contains a list of words or phrases and a confidence score from 0 to 1 based on how confident CLIP is that the text describes the image. An image of a park that happens to show a dog in the background would have a lower confidence score for the text “dog” than a close-up image of a dog. When you get to the section on prompting, it will become clear how this ends up working in image generators.

As I mentioned before, the more images you have in the training data, the better the model will work. The researchers at OpenAI make that clear in their paper on CLIP. They explain how previous research into computer vision didn’t produce very accurate results due to the small datasets used for training, and the datasets were so small because of the huge amount of manual labour involved in curating and labelling them. (The previous dataset they compare CLIP’s performance to, ImageNet, contains a mere 14 million images.) Their solution was to use data from the internet instead. It already exists, there’s a huge amount of it and it’s already labelled thanks to image alt text. The only thing they’d need to do is download it.

It’s not stated in the research paper exactly which dataset CLIP was trained on. All it says is that “CLIP learns from text–image pairs that are already publicly available on the internet.” Though according to LAION, CLIP was trained on an unreleased version of LAION-400M, an earlier text-image pair dataset.

Common Crawl

The data in LAION-5B itself comes from another large dataset made available by the non-profit Common Crawl which “contains raw web page data, metadata extracts, and text extracts” from the publicly accessible web. In order to pull out just the images, LAION scanned through the HTML (the code that makes up each web page) in the Common Crawl dataset to find the bits of the code that represent images (<img> tags) and pulled out the URL (the address where the image is hosted online and therefore downloadable from) and any associated alternative text, or “alt text”.

A tangent on the importance of image alt text

Alt text is often misused on the web. Its intended purpose is to describe images for visually impaired users or if the image is unable to be loaded. Let’s look at an example.

This image could have the alt text: “A still image from the film Back to the Future III depicting Doc Brown and Marty McFly. They are stood outside facing each other on a very bright sunny day. Doc Brown is trying to reassure a sceptical looking Marty by patting him on the shoulder. Marty is wearing a garish patterned fringed jacket, a red scarf and a white stetson hat. The DeLorean time machine can be seen behind them.” Good. This is descriptive.

But it could also have the alt text: “Christopher Lloyd and Michael J Fox in Back to the Future III” Okay but not very specific.

Or even: “Back to the Future III: A fantastic review by John Smith. Check out my blog!” Bad. This doesn’t describe the image. This text would be better used as a title for a web page.

Alt text can be extremely variable in detail and quality, or not exist at all, which I’m sure will already be apparent to anyone who regularly uses a screen reader to browse the web. This casts some doubt on the accuracy of CLIP analysis and the labelling of images in LAION datasets.

CLIP-filtered image-text pairs

So now, coming back to LAION-5B, we know that “CLIP-filtered image-text pairs” means two things. The images were analysed with CLIP and the embeddings created from this analysis were included in the dataset. Then these embeddings were used to check that the image caption matched what CLIP identified the image as. If there was no match, the image was dropped from the dataset.

But LAION datasets themselves do not contain any images

So how does this work? LAION states on their website:

LAION datasets are simply indexes to the internet, i.e. lists of URLs to the original images together with the ALT texts found linked to those images. While we downloaded and calculated CLIP embeddings of the pictures to compute similarity scores between pictures and texts, we subsequently discarded all the photos. Any researcher using the datasets must reconstruct the images data by downloading the subset they are interested in. For this purpose, we suggest the img2dataset tool.

In order to train a model for use with stable diffusion, you would need to go through a LAION dataset with img2dataset and download all the images. All 240 terabytes of them.

LAION have used this argument to wiggle out of a recent copyright lawsuit. The Batch reported in June 2023:

LAION may be insulated from claims of copyright violation because it doesn’t host its datasets directly. Instead it supplies web links to images rather than the images themselves. When a photographer who contributes to stock image libraries filed a cease-and-desist request that LAION delete his images from its datasets, LAION responded that it has nothing to delete. Its lawyers sent the photographer an invoice for €979 for filing an unjustified copyright claim.

Deduplication

In a dataset it’s usually not desirable to have duplicate entries of the same data, but how do you ensure this when the data you’re processing is as huge as the entire internet? Well… LAION admits you kinda don’t.

There is a certain degree of duplication because we used URL+text as deduplication criteria. The same image with the same caption may sit at different URLs, causing duplicates. The same image with other captions is not, however, considered duplicated.

Another reason why reposting art sucks

If you’ve been an artist online for a while you’ll know all about reposts and why so many artists hate them. From what I’ve seen in my time online, the number of times an artist’s work is reposted on different sites is proportional to their online reach or influence (social media followers, presence on multiple sites etc). The more well known an artist becomes, the more their art is shared and reposted without permission. It may also be reposted legitimately, say if an online news outlet ran a story on them and included examples of their art. Whether consensual or not, this all results in more copies of their art out there on the web and therefore, in the training data. As stated above, if the URL of the image is different (the same image reposted on a different website will have a different URL), to LAION it’s not considered duplicated.

Now it becomes clear how well known digital artists such as Sam Yang and Loish have their styles easily imitated with these models - their art is overrepresented in the training data.

How do I stop my art being used in training data?

Unfortunately for models that have already been trained on historic data from LAION/Common Crawl, there is no way to remove your art and no way to even find out if your art has been used in the training.

Unfortunately again, simply deleting your art from social media sites might not delete the actual image from their servers. It will still be accessible at the same URL as when you originally posted it. You can test this by making an image post on the social media site you want to test. When the image is posted, right click the image and select “open image in new tab”. This will show you the URL of the image in the address bar. Keep this tab open or otherwise keep a record of this URL. Then go back and delete the post. After the post is deleted, often you will still be able to view the image at the URL that you saved.

If you have your own website where you host your art you can delete your images, or update their URLs so that they are no longer accessible from the URLs that were previously in web crawl data.

HTTP Headers

On your own website you can also use the X-Robots-Tag HTTP header to prevent bots from crawling your website for training data. These values can be used:

X-Robots-Tag: noai

X-Robots-Tag: noimageai

X-Robots-Tag: noimageindex

The img2dataset tool is used to download images from datasets made available by LAION. The README states that by default img2dataset will respect the above headers and skip downloading from websites that use them. Although it must be noted this can be overridden, so if an unscrupulous actor wants to scrape your images without your consent, there is no technical reason they cannot do this.

Glaze

If you can’t prevent your images from being crawled, you can prevent all new art that you post from being useful in future models that are trained from scratch by using Glaze. Glaze is a software tool that you can run your art through to protect it from being copied by image generators. It does this by “poisoning” the data in the image that is read by machine learning code while keeping the art looking the same to human eyes.

Watermarks

This defence is a bit of a long shot but worth a try. You may be able to get your art filtered out of training data by adding an obvious watermark. One column included in the LAION dataset is pwatermark which is the probability that the image contains a watermark, calculated by a CLIP model trained on a small subset of clean and watermarked images. Images were then filtered out of subsequent datasets using a threshold for pwatermark of 0.8, which compared to the threshold for NSFW (0.3) and non-matching captions (also 0.3) is pretty high. This means that only images with the most obvious watermarks will be filtered out.

Prompt engineering and how to spot AI art

We’ve covered how AI image generators are trained so now let’s take all that and look at how they work in practice.

Artifacts

You’ve probably gotten annoyed by JPEG compression artifacts or seen other artists whine about them but what is an artifact? A visual artifact is often something unwanted that appears in an image due to technologies used to create it. JPEG compression artifacts appear as solid colour squares or rectangles where there should be a smooth transition from one colour to another. They can also look like fuzziness around high contrast areas of an image.

I’d describe common mistakes in AI image generations as artifacts - they are an unwanted side effect of the technology used to produce the image. Some of these are obvious and pretty easy to spot:

extra or missing fingers or otherwise malformed hands

distorted facial features

asymmetry in clothing design, buttons or zips in odd places

hair turning into clothing and vice versa

nonsense background details or clothing patterning

disconnected horizon line, floor or walls. This often happens when opposite sides are separated by an object in the foreground

Some other artifacts are not strange-looking, but become obvious tells for AI if you have some experience with prompting.

Keyword bleeding

Often if a colour is used in the text prompt, that colour will end up being present throughout the image. If it depicts a character and a background, both elements will contain the colour.

The reason for this should be obvious now that we know how the training data works. This image from LAION demonstrates it nicely:

This screenshot shows the search page for clip-retrieval which is a search tool that utilises an image-text pair dataset created using CLIP. You will see the search term that was entered is “blue cat” but the images in the results contain not just cats that are blue, but also images of cats that are not blue but there is blue elsewhere in the image eg a blue background, a cat with blue eyes, or a cat wearing a blue hat.

To go on a linguistics tangent for a second, part of the above effect could be due to English not having different adjective forms depending on the noun it’s referring to. For example in German when describing a noun the form of the adjective must match the gender of the noun it’s describing. In German, blue is blau, cat is Katze. “Blue cat” would be “blaue Katze”. Since Katze is feminine, the adjective blau must use the feminine ending e. The word for dog is masculine so blau takes the ending er, making it “blauer Hund”. You get the idea.

When a colour is not mentioned in a prompt, and no keyword in the prompt implies a specific colour or combination of colours, the generated images all come out looking very brown or monochrome overall.

Keyword bleeding can have strange effects depending on the prompt. When using adjectives to describe specific parts of the image in the prompt, both words may bleed into other parts of the image. When I tried including “pointed ears” in a prompt, all the images depicted a character with typical elf ears but the character often also had horns or even animal ears as well.

All this seems obvious when you consider the training data. A character with normal-looking ears wouldn’t usually be described with the word “ears” (unless it was a closeup image showing just the person’s ears) because it’s a normal feature for someone to have. But you probably would mention ears in an image description if the character had unusual ears like an elf or catgirl.

Correcting artifacts

AI artifacts can be corrected however, with a process called inpainting (also known as generative fill). This is done by taking a previously generated image, masking out the area to be replaced, then running the generation process again with the same or slightly modified prompt. It can also be used on non AI generated images. Google Pixel phones use a kind of generative fill to remove objects from photographs. Inpainting is a little more involved than just prompting as it requires editing of the input image and it’s not offered by most free online image generators. It’s what I expect Adobe Firefly will really excel at as it’s already integrated into image editing software (if they can iron out their copyright issues…)

Why AI kinda sucks

Since AI image generation is built on large scale statistical analysis, if you’re looking to generate something specific but uncommon you’re not going to have much luck. For example using “green skin” in a prompt will often generate a character with pale skin but there will be green in other parts of the image such as eye colour and clothing due to keyword bleeding.

No matter how specific you are the generator will never be able to create an image of your original character. You may be able to get something that has the same general vibe, but it will never be consistent between prompts and won’t be able to get fine details right.

There is a type of fine-tuning for stable diffusion models called LoRA (Low-Rank Adaptation) that can be used to generate images of a specific character, but of course to create this, you need preexisting images to use for the training data. This is fine if you want a model to shit out endless images of your favourite anime waifu but less than useless if you’re trying to use AI to create something truly original.

Some final thoughts

The more I play around with stable diffusion the more I realise that the people who use it to pretend to be a human artist with a distinctive style are using it in the most boring way possible. The most fun I’ve personally had with image generation is mixing and matching different “vibes” to churn out ideas I may not have considered for my own art. It can be a really useful tool for brainstorming. Maybe you have a few different things you’re inspired by (eg a clothing style or designer, a specific artist, an architectural style) but don’t know how to combine them. An image generator can do this with ease. I think it’s an excellent tool for artistic research and generating references.

All that being said, I strongly believe use of AI image generation for profit or social media clout is unethical until the use of copyrighted images in training data is ceased.

I understand how this situation has come about. Speaking specifically about LAION-5B the authors say (emphasis theirs):

Our recommendation is … to use the dataset for research purposes. … Providing our dataset openly, we however do not recommend using it for creating ready-to-go industrial products, as the basic research about general properties and safety of such large-scale models, which we would like to encourage with this release, is still in progress.

Use of copyrighted material for research falls under fair use. The problem comes from third parties making use of this research data for commerical purposes, which should be a violation of copyright. So far, litigation against AI companies has not made much progress in settling this.

I believe living artists whose work is used to train AI models must be fairly compensated and the law must be updated to enforce this in a way that protects independent artists (rather than building more armour for huge media companies).

The technology is still new and developing rapidly. Changes to legislation tend to be slow. But I have hope that a solution will be found.

References

“Adobe Firefly - Free Generative AI for Creatives.” Adobe. Accessed 28 Jan 2024.

https://www.adobe.com/uk/products/firefly.html

Andrew. "Stable Diffusion prompt: a definitive guide.” Stable Diffusion Art. 4 Jan 2024.

https://stable-diffusion-art.com/prompt-guide/#Anatomy_of_a_good_prompt

Andrew. “Beginner’s guide to inpainting (step-by-step examples).” Stable Diffusion Art. 24 September 2023.

https://stable-diffusion-art.com/inpainting_basics/

AUTOMATIC1111. “Stable Diffusion web UI. A browser interface based on Gradio library for Stable Diffusion.” Github. Accessed 15 Jan 2024

https://github.com/AUTOMATIC1111/stable-diffusion-webui

“LAION roars.” The Batch newsletter. 7 Jun 2023.

https://www.deeplearning.ai/the-batch/the-story-of-laion-the-dataset-behind-stable-diffusion/

Beaumont, Romain. “Semantic search at billions scale.” Medium. 31 Mar, 2022

https://rom1504.medium.com/semantic-search-at-billions-scale-95f21695689a

Beaumont, Romain. “LAION-5B: A new era of open large-scale multi-modal datasets.” LAION website. 31 Mar, 2022

https://laion.ai/blog/laion-5b/

Beaumont, Romain. “Semantic search with embeddings: index anything.” Medium. 1 Dec, 2020

https://rom1504.medium.com/semantic-search-with-embeddings-index-anything-8fb18556443c

Beaumont, Romain. “img2dataset.” GitHub. Accessed 27 Jan 2024.

https://github.com/rom1504/img2dataset

Beaumont, Romain. “Preparing data for training.” GitHub. Accessed 27 Jan 2024.

https://github.com/rom1504/laion-prepro/blob/main/laion5B/usage_guide/preparing_data_for_training.md

“CLIP: Connecting text and images.” OpenAI. 5 Jan 2021.

https://openai.com/research/clip

“AI.” Cambridge Dictionary. Accessed 27 Jan 2024.

https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/ai?q=AI

“Common Crawl - Overview.” Common Crawl. Accessed 27 Jan 2024.

https://commoncrawl.org/overview

CompVis. “Stable Diffusion. A latent text-to-image diffusion model.” GitHub. Accessed 15 Jan 2024

https://github.com/CompVis/stable-diffusion

duskydreams. “Basic Inpainting Guide.” Civitai. 25 Aug 2023.

https://civitai.com/articles/161/basic-inpainting-guide

Gallagher, James. “What is an Image Embedding?.” Roboflow Blog. 16 Nov 2023.

https://blog.roboflow.com/what-is-an-image-embedding/

"What Is Glaze? Samples, Why Does It Work, and Limitations." Glaze. Accessed 27 Jan 2024.

https://glaze.cs.uchicago.edu/what-is-glaze.html

“Pixel 8 Pro: Advanced Pro Camera with Tensor G3 AI.” Google Store. Accessed 28 Jan 2024.

https://store.google.com/product/pixel_8_pro

Schuhmann, Christoph. “LAION-400-MILLION OPEN DATASET.” 20 Aug 2021.

https://laion.ai/blog/laion-400-open-dataset/

Stability AI. “Stable Diffusion Version 2. High-Resolution Image Synthesis with Latent Diffusion Models.” Github. Accessed 15 Jan 2024

https://github.com/Stability-AI/stablediffusion

#ai art #stable diffusion #machine learning #this got really long sorry i hope it still makes sense #i try to explain some very technical stuff that i dont fully understand myself so #if ive got anything wildly wrong pls let me know and i'll update #my writing

13 notes · View notes

skitskatdacat63 · 1 year ago

Text

I know it would literally never happen, but whenever the speculation of who the next James Bond will be comes up, I can only think about how I would sell my soul to get a butch lesbian James Bond 😣

#cause people are always arguing against having a female 007 bcs it would change too much #okay so why not just swap her gender and change nothing else 😌#i realized when writing this post tho that my one oc is literally my concept for a lesbian james bond 😭#butch lesbian womanizer who wears suits all the time and smokes/drinks too much and loves money and weapons #i think about this every once in a while and i want it so badly but it will literally never happen #please she would be so masc and cool and sexy #i dont know if i necessary like the idea of making a new chara to be 007 #but like....female James Bond but nothing else changes 👀#im trying to fall asleep and i can only envision various scenes from casino royale but w my version of james bond #pls she could be jamie bond!!!#sorry this is completely random and probably nonsensical but it haunts me so often #every time i rewatch casino royale im like man...espionage movies are cool! and then start fantasizing about female james bond #the names bond. jamie bond.#maybe i will draw it sometime #just not sure how id design her bcs as i said my brain cant help but be a bit stuck on my oc that fits pretty well #but seriously. they wouldnt even have to change anything!#like they have all the jokey pun names for women...guess what. even more opportunities #but like gahhhhhh i think about a masc woman in the bond movies ive watched and im like wow i would enjoy this movie substantially more!#like the shower scene in casino royale........#i cant even rly bring myself to watch bond movies older than the daniel craig ones bcs the objectification and misogyny bothers me too much #but imagining a masc woman in their place 👀 i am on board!#imagining her with bond girls 😳😳😳😳😳#sorry again: super random but it is late please forgive me #catie.rambling.txt

21 notes · View notes

nintendowiimote · 6 months ago

Text

i dont know how many paragraphs i got left in me

#everything about writing papers makes me want to. hmm well i shant say but to rephrase i REALLY dont like it #i hate modern physics i hate quantum mechanics i hate semiconductors but most importantly i hate myself #this is just a vent post pls ignore it ill be fine once i finish this stupid piece of shit motherfucking paper

3 notes · View notes

arthursbubblebutt · 2 years ago

Text

I feel like.... there's not enough bottom Arthur and it makes me ಥ_ಥ

NOT EVEN POWER BOTTOM ARTHUR 😭😭😭 PLS IM BEING DEPRIVED

#also smth else too but im not gonna expose myself at least not rn #pls if anyone has any recommendations i will kiss u on the mouth #WITH CONSENT OFC #sometimes the authors dont tag it and im 🥲#pls i will take any form of content this is a cry for help #im a bottom arthur truther im sorry #no im not #merthur #merlin x arthur #also slow burn fics are my bread n butter #slowly but surely going down through the holy path of ao3 #but its taking some time #i might just write it myself #CAUSE THERES ONLY 4 AND IM-#i need my bbygorls in my mouth #i found some where they switch and it makes me happy #BUT IM IMPATIENT ٩(๑꒦ິȏ꒦ິ๑)۶ #its 4am #bitches be having me in a choke hold #correction more than 4 bUT I NEED MORE (┛✧Д✧))┛#i was looking at another specific tag and didnt realise my apologies #why is there 2 seperate tags for the same thing im so confused-

18 notes · View notes

courfee · 1 year ago

Text

i lowkey wanna post snippets of my fic on here because i need attention and validation to motivate me to write more because for some resaon i decided it was a good idea to write long ass chapters again instead of shorter ones that might just get me more people to tell me how absolutely cool i am (the reason was that this is a 10 things i hate about you au so obviously i cant have more than 10 chapters) (its a struggle) (i am struggling) (i need someone to pat my head and tell me im doing good)

#that was supposed to say 'i lowkey want to post snippets but dont know how to go about it'#the sentence just ran away from me and then it didnt make any sense anymore #fic rant #fic: operation wanker #man after amtc i told myself i wouldnt write another fic with long chapters and would stay around 2-3k words #and here i am doing 7-10k chapters again pls kill me #like yeah i write for fun but i definitely post for attention #if i didnt i would just leave my fics on my own computeer and share them with maybe my friends at best #and unfortunately you just get more attention the more chapters you post which is insanely frustrating when i know my chapters #are long enough to techncially get split into more chapters #but i also do care about the aesthetic of a fic structure too much

5 notes · View notes

autisticlee · 2 months ago

Text

"just be your self! it solves all your problems/makes everything better!"

except you're a person where being yourself gets you severely bullied, abused, and/or neglected. it makes everyone hate and abandon you and leaves you with no connections or support or anything. sometimes you're disabled and need to rely on others to live and they simply refuse because they don't like the real you. sometimes it leads people to purposely harm you because they don't like who you are. sometimes you can't simply avoid those people because they're your family you need to live with and cant simply move out, classmates you cant change, or coworkers at a job you can't afford to quit. it can even cause people to physically harm you because they are hateful. sometimes you can't escape them before they inflict their harm. sometimes people purposely sabotage your life because they decide they don't like you and sometimes you can't do anything about it. sometimes you can't get anywhere in life like in a career because you aren't liked enough and can't play social games to please others.

yeah maybe you have the benefit of not pretending, not wearing a mask, not trying to live to peoples expectations, but sometimes that majorly backfires, and some people don't seem to understand that.

"BEING YOURSELF" ISN'T ALWAYS THE ONE AND ONLY PERFECT SOLUTION. SOMETIMES ITS NOT SAFE. SOMETIMES YOU CANT AFFORD TO "NOT GIVE A FUCK" AND SOMETIMES IT SIMPLY DOESNT BENEFIT YOU AND YOUR LIFE FOR MANY REASONS.

wheres the support for us people out here being ourselves but still struggling with life sucking?! where support for us people who are being ourselves and still have no support from other people or friends? why do you all only respond to us that we ~still aren't being ourselves correctly/still care too much what people think"??????

if we aren't being ourselves correctly, aren't you basically telling us to care what you think and be what you want? what if I don't want to listen to your nonsense? and we care too much what people think still?? would you not care if someone threatened your life or even tried to take it because they don't like you?! if you were stuck with disabilities and no support because the only people around you abuse you for being yourself?

maybe think about this next time you think this is perfect advice everyone should follow and want to argue with them if they say it doesn't help.

and just because someone might point out that "being yourself" hasn't helped them/is actibely harming them, doesn't mean they are currently *trying to be someone else/make people like them/care what others think/gave up being themsleves* so telling them they aren't doing it right is not going to help!!!!

me for example, I only like what I like, do what I want. I always ignore and turn people down because I don't like their things or they try to insult me and my things. im known to be blunt/straightforward and "make conversations all about my special interests (hobbies for you nonautistics)" and don't care if others hate it. I have no control over how I am or act because of autism and adhd and dissociating so I can't even "pretend" or mask anyway. what you see is what you get with me. and I don't care if people don't like me individually. i'm not actively *trying* to make people like me. maybe that's why it seems like no one ever does

what I do care about is people purposely harming me because they dont like who I am (because it hurts? how do you not care about that while it's happening lmao). I care about the fact that I scare everyone away with being myself and "the right people" haven't magically showed up yet, I care I have no support, no companionship in life, im forced to be alone and cant share things i enjoy or "myself" with others. I do everything alone. i'm disabled so that's VERY HARD and unsatisfying and even dangerous!!!! but I have no choice.

again I don't care of individually people don't like me or the things I like/do or whatever. their judgements don't hurt me. their physical harm and abusive mind games hurt me. and the fact that being myself pushes away everyone until i'm the only one left is what bothers me. because is it my fault or theirs? don't know! Who cares. but it's very hard due to my circumstances to be completely alone and only have people against me because they dont like the "self" I am and don't connect with me and things I enjoy and there's just no connections or ways to bond! and I dint have the privilege of meeting enough new people due to living in a small restricted area/life conditions and being disabled and not having the energy to talk to 100 people a month to try weeding out all the bad ones until I find the single good one! (I did that the last couple months and i'm now so burnt out that i'm having really bad physical disability symptoms and mental regression-like symptoms. so what do you want from me?! how is "being myself" solving my porblems if they're still here or getting worse?! I don't get it!!!!!

to be fair, when I was doing the little masking I was able to do growing up to try avoid being bullied,,,,,it didn't help. so I gave up and accepted the no friends/abuse/bullying/neglect, believing people "one day it will get better" but im tired of waiting for " one day. " nothing has changed by "becoming my true self" there's no difference. I still have no friends. my needs are still neglected. I still get bullied by strangers and abused by "friends" so it's not a solution. i get the idea. the stress and pressure of putting on a play and being a character can be too hard. thinking about everyone's opnions every time you dp anything can be too much to handle. but not doing that anymore doesn't automatically make everything better. it hasn't made it better for me. I can't make people like me. but I also can't make them stop treating me like shit or help me. liking myself and helping myself only gets me so far before I hit a wall I can't get over alone. but when I look beside me, I see some bullies pulling me down and no people that like me in sight. don't try to *make* people like you sure. but not having anyone that likes you makes life very difficult. admit it! being yourself does not make people automatically like you!!!!! 😭😭😭😭 maybe i'm just a horrible person that thinks too highly of myself to realize I don't know!

#saw a post saying ~being yourself is the one true solution~ and no. not for everyone.#most comments are agreeing. one person responded asking what if they do all the things listed (list of things to “be yourself #such as doing hobbies you like and wearing what you like and whatnot) but everything still sucks #because i feel this person. i have done all these things in that ~how to be yourself~ list for YEARS and it hasnt made things better #im still struggling and everything sucks and STILL HAVE PEOPLE TELLONG ME IM NOT BEING MYSELF RIGHT AND CARE WHAT OTHERS THINK TOO MUCH #maybe thats not the case? have you thought about that? not everyone has privilege to “be yourself” without harm #lee rants #dont want to reply to the post and make the person feel bad or something when they are helping others/most people agree #but for people like me and tbat one other person? this post needs to be said #i dont know their personal circumstances and what “still sucks” but ive been there and am still there #this took an hour to write hopefully makws sense. words are hard #no actually almost 2 hours 😭 i write so slow especially when trying correct grammar and stuffs 😭😭😭😭 so tired now #again nothing personal against anyone. just a vent. but also stop acting like this solves EVERYTHING pls

0 notes

acoldsovereign · 5 months ago

Text

{{ I also want to say: my opinions on many canon characters/plot points, etc have changed and I wanna talk about it--buttttt, I'll practice restraint and keep my chatty energy on topic. It's not exactly an icebreaker (currently looking for those types of memes as I type this 🖤 if not I'll make my own again), but uh.

Send in a 💭 to hear my thoughts about anything Saiyan related??????????? You could make it as specific or in general as you want! Also, if you're asking about MY lore/headcanons, then specify that too, pls. 😭 I'd hate to answer an ask wrong!

I also have different verses (that are applicable), so you can ask about those too- *

#OOC: Out of Limits #{{ Taking a well timed break from replies because my brain has a lot of thoughts occupying it and i need it empty so I can continue 😭#{{ there's also a ship bouncing around in there that wants to be written out in a Very Specific Manner™ and I want to indulge but like.....#{{ repliessssss 😭#{{ I don't even know what style of drabble it's called but it's the type of writing i used to do as a fanfic writer.#{{ the two to three sentence thing and then changes pov/timeskips or whatever. aaaa. like the drabble ISN'T a fanfic but the style is what-#{{ i used to use when I wanted to emphasize characterization and feelings. revealing character habits and personality. etc.#{{ character study but make it clinical sounding and romantic.#{{i WOULD bring that aspect of my writing into stuff but what stops me--#{{ is that i fear some vocab would automatically break the in universe immersion. tone - setting and atmosphere are HUGE things for me.#{{ .....anyway I'll stop here before i drive myself up the wall. btw the verses include Maiz's Royal AU/YYH verse* and one more I think?#{{ i know i don't have all of her verses up but i do have the info on hand. pls talk to me! i dont biteeeee 🥺 🖤

0 notes

fortunately-bi · 7 months ago

Text

...... If I went on a hiatus for who knows how long again would y'all hate me....... 👉👈

#i just spent like an hour writing and rewriting a post trying to explain myself amd its just so hard to put into words #im bored here but not in a ew not enough content for the dopamine hit shit #in like a every time i scroll through I dont smile I dont see anything that makes me happy at all i dont get a laugh or anything #its just mindless brain rotting scrolling nothing wasting my time hoping maybe ill see a new artist to follow or something #and every time its nothing #so much nothing taking up so much of my time and space in my life and i already dont have a lot of time to begin with #ive made some awesome friends here ive had lovers from here ive had people who are no longer on this earth from here who ill never forget #i dont think ive really enjoyed anything on here in 7 years #ive left before for a really long time i think like a year or more or something #and i wont be totally unreachable of people message me ill respond but im so sick of this stupid app taking up my life #and all i ever get out of it is getting mad or getting depressed over shit that really is t worth my mental state over #all i ever feel on here is that the world fuckin sucks and theres not even anything here to make hanging around worth it #im not new to this site making me suicidal for an abundance of reasons and im luckily in a spot where i wont actually hurt myself #its just ideation and intrusive thoughts but its a pattern i cant keep ignoring #also im old tumblr im old tumblr and i think i will always be old tumblr im just not catching on to new shit anymore #the fact im even saying anything about a hiatus should show how pld tumblr i am no one does this anymore lol #i just don't want to be here anymore i dont really want to be anywhere online anymore tbh #its always something and i cant mentally keep up with it anymore i have too much going on in my life #my wife is having cancer removed on Tuesday im a lead teacher who has to take care of i think 8 babies now #i have problems i have actual problems that need me and need me to be as there as i can be #i cant be spiraling over stuff online on top of real world problems im in no position to do anything about on top of personal life problems #that are drastically affecting my life at home and hurting my family and loved ones #i have a mass in my thyroid which is so big i choke to the point i stop breathing if I dont have my meds i throw up all day #i have to see a neurologist because at best i have a pinched nerve at worst im having seizures and i might have to move states again #i dont have it in me to come on here and see stuff that makes me upset for the chance i might see something i like #and i can unfollow people and whatever but I dont have the energy or time to sift through people i follow on here #if you want to talk in dms or asks or you want to send me posts pls by all means continue to do so thats fine #but i think i need to take the app out of my line of sight again for a bit and just be in the moment again same with twitter #anyways i love yall i promise i am safe and not in harms way im just stressed af and i have got to start cutting things out that #arent doing anything other then making me miserable

1 note · View note

kuni-kuun · 3 months ago

Text

Okay hello. HELLO??? HOW DO I EVEN BEGIN WAIT. I started reading thid while commuting and ive never been so stressed. Was pacing between the halls like a crazy person . why the hell. Is it so good? Jist the way you write their interactions . And the way you format the text into the titles of each section and using i love you instead of asking questions oh. Im sick im so sick.

how kunikida says,

(i love you.)

and how dazai echoes it

❤️‍🩹 2.3k words || kunidazai 📗 inspired by this fanart by @kuni-kuun ‼️ implied spoilers for bsd 117

#no i cant stress enough this fic is SO fucking good #its such an honor to have inspired you to write this masterpiece im like floored #i literally based the comic on a tweet i saw from a twitter quote bot i feel like i dont deserve all this credit ...#and yet i almost hate myself for making that comic because hoky shit this fic made me MISERABLE BUT IT WAS AO GOOD.#one ofmy new fave fics i cant. theres mothign else i can say #ok sorry for the rant . ty op pls keep writing #also ALSO the attention to detail to random stuff i drew into the scene. i feel so flattered waw.#read it yall #kunikidazai

123 notes · View notes

nalgenes · 2 years ago

Text

hi guys

Hi guys. just made the transfer to my savings account so its official now that i've saved up 100% of my top surgery savings goal

#(the surgeon i wanna see doesn't take insurance and also is in cleveland ohio so. Realll expensive)#'woah does this mean you'll be getting top surgery soon?!' no. but whenever the time comes. i'll be able to pay for it #'why not now?' my parents would rather see me dead than see me get gender affirming care lol #and i still rely on them for housing food etc. so. cant really make it happen rn #BUT. this is very exciting. pls dont mistake my tone of writing for lack of excitement its just my brain doesnt let me show feelings #:3 :3 :3 :3 :3 #im really proud of myself #my life

0 notes

reidrum · 5 months ago

Text

all yours if you want me | s.r

pairing: spencer reid x bau!fem!reader

a/n: i think i really like this but if i proofread it one more time im gonna hate it so im just putting it out now lol. this is the full version of the sneak peak i posted last week woohoo ! also this is my first time writing smut so im sorry if it sucks but i hope y'all like it <3

summary: bau's got their first day off in weeks, and you're heading straight to the club to have some fun, you just didn't expect your coworker/crush to also be there while you're trying to forget him.

cw: 18+ minors pls dni, smut, p in v (dont be silly wrap ur willy), munch!spence, lowkey softdom!spence, suggestive dancing in public spaces, minor insecure reader, reader is afab and wears a dress and heels

wc: 4.6k

pls let me know if i forgot anything and let me know your thoughts pleaseee xx

it was the first friday night off you and any of the team members of the bau had in a long time, and you all were determined to spend it well. jj and hotch immediately went home to their families, penelope and emily decided they were going home to get some well needed rest, rossi went to a cigar club, not really sure what derek and spencer ended up doing, but you knew what you were doing tonight.

you’d had a long standing invitation from one of your college friends for a club night, and at first you’d decline because you’d get swept away on a case, and because you were hopelessly pining after your hot nerdy coworker dr. spencer reid.

spencer was smart in many ways, three PhDs, countless published papers, not to mention that eidetic memory of his. there was one thing that spencer was just fucking dumb at, and it was your shameless flirting at him.

like it annoyed you how clueless he was. you’d bring him coffee in the mornings with hearts drawn on it, fall asleep on his shoulder on the jet rides back, even complimenting his outfit or looks which made him flustered, but still nothing. your harbored crush seemed to stay just that, a crush. and while you’d hope he would get the hint he just hasn’t.

so you pull out your phone to text your friend.

“barry’s at 9?”

“oh my god FINALLY. i’m there i'll pick you up at 8:30.”

you grin to yourself, this was good. you needed to get out and unwind for once.

you drive home quickly to hop in the shower before your friend comes to get you. throwing on a silk slip dress as your outfit of choice, you slipped your heels on and met your friend in the car.

walking into the club, you’re met with the thumping bass of the music playing and the staunch smell of alcohol, sweat, and sex.

it made you think about the last time you got laid, which was a really long time ago. and honestly you wanted to sleep with spencer so bad you hadn’t been making advances elsewhere. but that was going to change tonight, you were determined to have good slutty fun, and hopefully get laid.

your friend grabbed your hand and beelined to the bar, ordering two tequila shots each. once you downed them you moved to the dance floor and started preying for a target. as you’re scanning the room, you notice a familiar looking mop of brown hair standing next to bald headed man. a combo you knew all too well.

derek morgan was a player. and before he’s a player, he’s a damn good friend. which was his reasoning for dragging spencer out of his apartment to come out to the club and have fun.

“but i can have fun at home by myself morgan.”

“kid, you need to let loose once in a while. you are young, i’m just helping you take advantage of it.”

so now spencer’s at the club (a sentence he still struggles to believe) wearing trousers and navy button down shirt to which morgan had popped the top buttons open because ‘it gives the ladies a sneak peek’. he just rolled his eyes and went with it. he’s nursing a shirley temple at the bar, perusing the environment when he comes across a pair of eyes he knows like the back of his hand.

when you recognize the amber eyes you couldn’t believe your luck. of course, on the one night you’d decided to explore other options he shows up in the least expected place for him to be. so much for getting over him, you think. shyly raising your hand to wave, spencer returns the gesture. morgan takes note, “who are you waving t- oh, pretty girl is here huh pretty boy?” he nudges him.

a blush raises on his face. spencer thought you were attractive, like really attractive. you were a great addition to the bau and he admired your work ethic a lot, the day you walked into the bullpen wearing a fitted pantsuit had his own pants growing real tight. he still remembers when you introduced yourself and he couldn’t even get up without exposing himself. you thankfully didn’t think it was weird, and spencer was relieved when it was finally time to go home. he’d be lying if he said he didn’t have nights where he wished you were the one finishing him off and not his rough hands. he didn’t think you’d like someone like him, and took all of your ‘advances’ as morgan calls them, as acts of kindness.

morgan laughs as he watches spencer’s iq deteriorate to below 50 staring at you, “do you what you gotta do man. but you better be going home with someone tonight okay?”

spencer nods and nurses his drink a bit and looks back to morgan to realize he’s already off dancing with some girls in the corner. damn.

after your distanced encounter with spencer, you decide it’s time to move on and have some fun on your own. you couldn’t be hung up on him anymore, at least not tonight. tonight was for bad decisions.

good thing bad decision walked up to you asking to dance, whatshisname leads you to the dance floor and puts his hands on your hips, swaying to the beats of t-pain and pitbull.

you didn’t know, but spencer was watching every move you made. he watched you get led to the dance floor, the way he placed his hands right on your ass and squeezed, and how he turned you around so you were dancing on his front with your back. he gripped his glass so tight the bartender had to tell him he’d have to pay if it breaks.

he gets it, you’re attractive. this is the kind of thing that happens to people who look like you. who wouldn’t want you? but then he watched it happen a second time. and a third. and a fourth and fifth, till he just stopped counting at nine for his sanity.

spencer was not used to the green monster taking over him, but oh god was he fucking seething with jealousy.

you realized spencer was watching you by whatshisname number five. he hadn’t moved from his spot and he was constantly staring in your direction. deciding to do a little experiment, you played up your dancing a lot more, acting more flirtatious, dragging the guy’s hands further down, and letting out open mouthed moans that you knew spencer couldn’t hear but could definitely see. you watched as his jaw shifted and his knuckles turned white as you danced with each guy, realizing the growing effect that you now had on him.

by whatshisname number nine, you casted your hook. making sure to face spencer and meet his eyes, you watched as they darkened when he realized you were looking right at him. spencer might’ve brushed it off as a coincidence, but then you winked at him. and he realized what you were doing—you were taunting him, and fuck was it working for him. the bulge in his pants grew uncomfortable that he had to stand up to not draw so much attention to it under the bar lights.

you watched him stand up and adjust himself and you threw your line. when he looked back up at you, you made a come here motion with your index finger and a bite of your lip. spencer’s eyes darkened impossibly more, he paid for his tab and strode over to you.

sinker.

he pulled you from the man behind you, who muttered a ‘what the fuck’ and moved away. spencer pulled you flush to his chest and with a low voice in the crest of your ear he whispered, “what do you think you’re doing?”

“i don’t think i know what you’re talking about dr. reid, could you explain it to me?”

spencer tightens his hold on you and ghosts over your ear once more, “this is a dangerous game you’re playing, sweetheart.”

“a game you joined the second you walked over here.”

he looked at you with a mischievous glint in his eyes, and matched the small smirk on your lips. game on.

the song changed to something with a more sultry beat, and you used the opportunity to wrap your arms around his neck and let his hands guide your hips to the music. while he wasn’t much of a dancer, he could definitely keep a beat. it didn’t prove to be so difficult when your chest was pushing up on his own that he was just waiting for them to spill out. he realized he could feel your hardened nipples through your slip, the nubs rubbing friction through the fabric of their clothes. he moaned internally while he gripped your hips to pull you even closer. it was clear spencer seemed to be getting comfortable with moving your body and holding you close, but you couldn’t let that happen.

before the second chorus you turn around in his arms so your back is pressed up against his front, and you start dancing on him.

spencer’s taken by surprise, something you felt when his hands faltered the confident rhythm it kept up, and while he watched you dance just like this with all those guys it’s like his mind is blank now.

you recognize the song playing, collide by justine skye & tyga, and use the sultry beat to your advantage. you move your ass hard on his front, feeling his length pressed between your cheeks. you gesture for him to lean his head down and he lets out a low groan as you whisper in his ear, “all that for me?”.

a primal instinct starts to take over spencer’s being, and he grips your hips to meet his rutting from behind. spencer was desperate for any friction that could soothe the growing ache in his pants. you grinned as you felt take what he needed from you. it was quickly wiped off your face when you felt his hands inching dangerously close to where you really wanted him. you place your hands on his with surprise and look at him, “what are you doing?”

“i don’t think i know what you’re talking about, sweetheart,” he threw back at you, “but if there’s something you’d like me to do, i’m all ears.” spencer grazes his fingers under the hem of your dress, toying with the lace band of your panties and slipping his fingers below it to stroke your inner thighs.

fuck. he turned it on you so fast it almost gave you whiplash. the provocative dancing was something you could handle, hell everyone on that dance floor was doing the same thing as you both. what you weren’t sure you could handle was him about to touch you in a public space. but, your body betrayed you as it turned you on to another plane. you look up at him with lust filled eyes and let out a breathy moan of his name. spencer collapses internally and stands his ground, “if you want something, beg me.”

spencer thinks he’s won the upper hand, and he’s feeling so smug behind you. he still thinks he has the upper hand until you reach down and place his middle and index finger in your mouth, circling your tongue around the digits.

“touch me.” you moan out, releasing his fingers.

spencer is dumbfounded how he’s the one about to burst out his pants when he made you beg for him. it should make him feel embarrassed at how close he was, but he couldn’t find it in him to care. not when you in his arms pleading him to do something. you sounded so pretty, and who was he to deny a pretty thing like you?

his fingers continue their journey down, outlining the lace trim resting on your thighs. he hooks his fingers on the fabric to pull it aside and slips into you, going at an aching pace to gather the wetness and groaning out, “jesus, you’re so wet, was this all for me? you needed my attention that bad, baby?”

you whimper and grip his hand even tighter because you’re not sure if your legs are holding out any longer. it’s all so overwhelming—having his hands down your panties in the middle of the dance floor, the lewdity of the noises in your ear, the hard length pressing desperately on your ass. this is all you’ve ever wanted from him, to want you. and now it’s happening, and your brain can’t fire the neurons fast enough to process the moment. instead your body responded with your skin heating up with anticipation, heart beating out as much adrenaline to keep up. the daze is getting foggier by the second as he trails his fingers up and down your slit, spreading the wetness and circling your clit on the way up. and you think you’re about to get accustomed to the pace he’s set, when he delves between your folds and you moan out loud so abruptly that the nearby patrons looked around wondering where it came from.

you can feel spencer’s shit eating grin behind you as he moves his head down to leave love bites on your neck. if he can feel your bluff dissipating, he’s not saying anything. his fingers set a painfully slow rhythm, and you grind down trying to get any more friction to reach your peak. he’s hitting you in all the right spots that make you see the stars and beyond, leaning your head back on his chest as you barrel towards your climax. you feel yourself mere seconds away from reaching, and spencer suddenly pulls his fingers out, making you whine out in protest, “wh- what are you doing?”

spencer grabs your wrist and starts dragging you through the sweaty bodies surrounding you, tightening his grip with a small smirk as he passes a few of the guys you were dancing with earlier. suckers.

he pushes the doors open with a force and while the cool air is attempting to return your body to homeostasis, the anticipation of where he’s going overtakes you, “spence, where are we going wh-“ you cut off your sentence with a gasp as he handles you flush to the door of his car. then it’s just silence for a few moments. no loud bass or weird dudes, just the two of you. the only sound that can be heard are your breaths competing for prominence. you look up at him and focus on the details of his face illuminated by the moonlight, trying to read his expression. his honeyed eyes have fully darkened to a lustful hickory, and suddenly you felt like a gazelle being preyed on by a lion.

he reaches into his pocket and unlocks the car with a soft beep. it’s the focused eyes on you that drive you to open the door, but it’s the subtle silent nod of his head towards the car that makes you move inside waiting for him to join you. he climbs in after you, shutting the door and locking it.

spencer moves to the middle seat and allows his legs to spread open, he taps his thighs and faintly says, “come here.”

you shuffle closer and swing your legs over him, your dress rising up a little as you fully sit on his clothed crotch. and now you realize the corporeality of the moment. it’s like, really real now. all this time pining after the boy genius with no luck and now he’s got you in the backseat of his car and your panties crooked, waiting for you to move. the bravado you wore and so tightly held onto for a majority of the night comes crashing down like a shattered vase, and you’re not sure if you have any more in you to salvage the pieces. you may be a profiler, but try as you might you are not a mind reader, yet you so desperately want to know what he’s thinking. is it too much to ask what this means? will it overwhelm him to say you’ve dreamt about this moment for many nights, and how those dreams went on till the early morning when he’d stay and brush your hair back with a temple kiss. the whispers of sweet nothings sticking to you like honey as you got ready for the day. are these questions you even want to know the answer to?

you may not be a mind reader, but he is dr. spencer reid, who noticed your demeanor change after too long of a silence.

“hey,” he holds your chin delicately to your eyes, “it’s okay if you want to stop, i’m sorry for tak-“

it’s your turn to cut him off, “no! no i, i still want this, i just,” you falter.

“just what, baby?” he coos softly.

it makes tears well up in your eyes, you hope he can’t see them, “i’ve just wanted this for so long, and it’s probably embarrassing that i’m admitting this now of all times, but i don’t know if i can handle this meaning more to me than it does to you.” you confess quietly.

spencer listens to your admission and gingerly resecures his arm behind you, a position he thinks is starting to become second nature. he rubs soft shapes into the small of your back, “what makes you think that?”

“because i basically threw myself at you tonight, and it seems to be the first time you noticed me.” you say halfheartedly.

“you think i don’t notice you?” he whispers, leaning in to leave soft kisses in the crook of your neck. spencer is dumbfounded, confused at how you reached such a conclusion. but as a man of science, he feels there’s only one way to prove himself. he breathes your name out, “can i show you how much i notice you? please?”

you nod, at least you could commit this moment to memory if it was all you’d have left of him. he presses his lips to yours for the first time that night, your breath faltering as he becomes more feverous with his attacks. slotting his tongue with yours, your hands move up to his silky hair to take purchase in. he lets out a groan as he pulls back from you, “i need to taste you.”

he guides your body to lean back on the center console, the only way his tall figure would be able to accommodate this position. your legs are still split on either side of his legs, using your hands to prop yourself up to watch his movements. he hooks his fingers on the sides of your panties and slowly slides them down, moaning at the way your slick causes resistance as he pulls them off your legs. wrapping his arms under your thighs to lift you up to face level, he places small kisses on your inner thighs as he makes his way to your core. he places a final kiss on your center before licking a long stripe up to your clit. moaning out wantonly, he continues his ministrations and kitten licks all over you, circling back up to your clit after each round.

“spence..” you whine out. he moves his focus to your clit, circling and sucking till you’re squirming in his arms so much has to grip your thighs. your hands are fussing through his hair, gripping and pulling to find something to ground you. spencer then slips his fingers into your core for the second time tonight, and you lose it.

he’s pumping his fingers in and out, that all you can hear is the squelching noises of your cunt. adding another one, you’re unable to stay still anymore, as if you were before.

“oh my fuck, spencer. i’m gonna cu-, cum. please don’t stop, don’t stop, don’t stop.” you moan out filthy.

spencer unlatches his mouth for a moment, “come for me, baby.”

your orgasm crashes down on you like a wave breaking on the shore. it’s all consuming, leaving you shaking and breathless and he lifts his head from between your legs and you see his chin glistening with you in the moonlight. the sight itself is so pornographic, you can’t help but shuffle back onto his lap to crash your lips back to his, tasting yourself on his tongue. he tangles his hands in your hair as you move yours between you both, unzipping his trousers to palm him through his boxers.

he breakily moans in your ear as you slowly pull back the band to take him out. the sight takes you by surprise, you knew he was big, you felt it on your ass while you were dancing. but seeing how it compared to your hand had you bulging your eyes.

“you’re so big,” you whisper. how the hell was that fitting inside of you?

spencer the mind reader places his hand on top of yours as you lazily stroke him, “we’ll go slow, don’t worry.” he can’t help but feel his ego inflate to the skies, he can’t remember the last time he had someone look intimidated by him.

nodding faintly, you gather the spit in your mouth and let it fall between you both to land on the flushed pink tip. you spread it up and down his length, setting a slow pace that had him moaning expletives in your ear.

“oh-, ohhh, fuck baby. you’re so good at that holy shit,” he says trying to hold himself together. you give him a few more pumps before lifting your hips up to guide him inside you. you move his tip to your entrance, rubbing it teasingly before spencer places his hands on your sides to stabilize you, and slowly sink you down onto him.

the second his tip pushes past your folds, you both moan out in harmony. placing your hands on his shoulders you leverage yourself to sink down further inch by inch, until your core is flush with the base of his thighs.

spencer is a man of many words, maybe too many. but right now the only word he can remember is your name as he watched you take his length whole inch by inch slowly losing any restraint he had left. the pressure his cock had inside of you was heavenly. you’d never felt so full, and you could tell he was trying so hard to stay still as you adjusted above him.

when you bottom out spencer throws his head back against the seat, “oh that’s it, good girl,” you clenched around him. “you okay?”

you nod in response, ignoring the way the term of endearment sent flutters to your heart, and attempt an experimental rock of your hips, causing spencer’s head to whip up and meet your lust blown eyes with his own. he adjusts his hands on the sides of your thighs and starts helping you move up and down on his length, setting a brutally slow pace.

you rest your head and moan into the crook of his neck as he continues his movements, “spencer, please, more, i can take it.”

he still can’t believe what’s happening right now, all those days he spent thinking about you in the bullpen, at home, everywhere really, and here you were begging on top of him to fuck you good.

“you still think i don’t notice you?” he says into your ear, “i have dreamt about what you’d look like bouncing on my cock, and you are blowing any idea i had out of the water.”

you whimper as he continues, “and when i’m not thinking about ruining you, i am in awe at how you walk through life. you bring so much joy everywhere you go, it’s a blessing to be able to experience you.” he says through shaky breaths.

the praise goes straight to core, with some traveling to your heart again, and you’re not sure how much longer you can hold on before you unravel physically and emotionally.

his hands are guiding you up and down at a harder pace now, “so,” thrust. “you still think,” thrust, “i don’t notice you?” he thrusts into you once more and holds you down, making sure you’re looking directly at him, “it was never an option to brush past you, you are everything to me. i didn’t know how to show that without overwhelming you. i’m sorry.”

tears well up in your eyes again, spencer notices this time and presses a small kiss on your forehead. all your senses feel like they’re in overdrive, unable to comprehend anything right now. your skin feels like it’s on fire as he rolls your hips faster to meet his ruts.

“spence, i- i’m so close.” you whine desperately.

he slips his hand between you both to rub your clit, “i know baby, i’ve got you. let go for me.”

his words were enough to break the dam, your second climax of the night hurling towards you. the white hot feeling overtook your whole body, shaking and clenching above him. your grip on him was threateningly vicious, probably leaving deep crescent marks in the nape of his shoulders. you wish the euphoria would last forever if it meant having spencer like this. as you came down from your high, the two of you were still moving together, slowly rocking your hips to meet each other. once you were grounded again, you pushed through the sensitivity in your core to rise up on his length, just barely leaving the tip in before you slid back down fast and hard, now focusing on spencer reaching his peak.

“oh jesus, fuck.” spencer moaned out brokenly.

“come on spence you can do it,” you taunted as you clenched down, “come inside me, make a mess of me please.” a rush of confidence flowed through as you whispered into his ear, and spencer held your hips to help you bounce faster on him.

spencer let out a loud groan as you felt the hot spurts coat your insides, he was leaving matching crescent marks on the sides of your hips as the ones on his shoulders, making sure all of him was left in you. feeling him soften inside, you remained on his lap with him sheathed in you. you both are breathing heavily, leaning back to hopefully give you both some relief from the sex filled air. looking around the car you realize that all the windows are fogged up and let out a tiny giggle.

“what’s so funny?” he looks up at you slightly amused and very out of breath.

“no it’s just, the windows are such a dead giveaway for what we just did in here.”

“eh, i don’t really care what people think.”

“gasp, dr. reid wants to let the world know he has car sex with random girls?”

he leans in to bite your neck playfully, “random? did nothing i said during all that register for you?”

you yelp and attempt to play dumb, “actually i don’t remember a word, you might have to jog my memory. maybe even recreate the circumstances to help with cementing it. i read about situational memorization where certain scenarios are easily remembered when there’s a big event to anchor it to.”

he swears he could’ve melted on the spot at you explaining a concept you’d read about to him, “careful sweetheart, calling it a big event might inflate my ego a little too high.”

“i mean, i can tell it worked,” you tease as you feel him harden inside of you again, “so tell me genius, how many times does a scenario have to happen for me to remember the information?”

“i guess we’ll have to find out, don’t we?”

#spencer reid x reader #spencer reid smut #spencer reid #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x you #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfic #mgg #spencer reid fanfic #dr spencer reid #bau team #criminal minds fanfiction #spencer reid x self insert #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid one shot

2K notes · View notes