#pls I’m going crazy over the little things in epic and I can’t do this anymore

[celesrangeepic]

“What’s a title a goddess could lend if ill never sleep at night”

Compared to

“Maybe if I helped you reach your goal- Life could be that bright, I could sleep at night”

It just shows how Athena changed from thinking Odysseus was being dramatic about his guilt with his dead crew members to understanding how and why Odysseus felt that way because she feels the same way Odysseus felt, she had no way of knowing if Odysseus was dead after My Goodbye and that guilt that is shown in We’d be Fine- just the pure guilt and reconsideration of if Athena did something different, would Odysseus still be there. That just makes her more human and I love it so much

[itskyleeyo]

hadestown brain dump (songs)

SPOILERS FOR HADESTOWN/THE STORY OF ORPHEUS AND EURYDICE

ok so it may have been more than a few days, but what're you gonna do about it?

so i wanted to do another brain dump, and i wanted to listen to hadestown, so i'm doing a song by song brain dump as i go along. this means that my thoughts are going to be even more stream-of-consciousness style (if that's even possible.) also i'm talking specifically about the original broadway cast recording bc i haven't listened to any other version. (also this was completed across multiple months so it is even more chaotic lmao).

also i highly recommend that you listen to the musical and/or pull up the lyrics as you go along! enjoy!

road to hell. the way andre brings in the chorus is flawless please. also the way that hermes is both a narrator and a character in the story he's narrating? beautiful. "the king of the mine." he sounds so nice here for some reason. also love his self-introduction "maybe it will turn out this time" no it won't but thank you for trying. also breaking the fourth wall to acknowledge the chorus and crew is so nice, here comes reeve ;) mans sounds like an angel. you can hear amber's voice stick out of the chorus and i literally love it so much. i'd die for amber gray but we'll get to that later.

any way the wind blows. the fates literally sound so perfect together. Eva's intro throws me off every time, she sounds so pretty. dear god the harmonies with the fates hit so different. can this cast please narrate my life? there's the wind comparisons ;D the "ooos" are so good. "and it ain't because i'm kind" idk i just like how andre sounds here. oh and the funny behind "so i took him underneath my wing" because hermes has wings on his helmet and shoes.

come home with me. orpheus is so oblivious but i love it. also eurydice is literally such a mood. the wordplay with "come again". the "oh, he's crazy" is my favorite part of the whole song. also eva's voice acting is so good.

wedding song. the way she says "lover"? my ass cannot handle this. eva sounds so smug in the beginning of this song and i love it. "sing the song ;)" eurydice is so fantastic. the chorus of "la" is so pretty. eva joining in during the end is just. so perfect.

epic i. hell yeah introduce the king and queen (both literally and figuratively). reeve's falsetto <3 the way orpheus looks to hermes for approval throughout the musical. hermes narrating over orpheus singing.

livin' it up on top. HELL YES THE QUEEN HAS ARRIVED. i love amber gray so much. the gravel and the rasp. please step on me. also i love the idea of persephone being the wine aunt, especially because media usually portrays her as soft and breakable. the way she says "haaard". the way the music gets more upbeat and energetic when hermes says "the world came back to liiife!" the instrumental/dance? break is so good. please kill me with that trumpet good sir. the leadup to when amber starts singing again. orpheus really knows how to give a speech. "i will ;)" amber please step on me i am not joking.

all i've ever known (intro). thank you for the intro king. the music is so pretty. the way it picks up with the piano part <3

all i've ever known. eva sounds so pretty dear god. yay more wind references! the wordplay with "hold". and also the references to hot and cold throughout the musical. "i don't wanna ever have to let you go." lol ironic because she ends up going with hades. "i knew you before we met, and i don't even know you yet." the fucking wordplay. like holy shit. the "love at first sight" feelings. this line gets me every damn time. the wordplay from 2:10 - 2:38 is so fucking incredible. i lose it every time istg. the instrumental portion is so pretty. the wind! "we'll always be like this" i fucking love irony so much. its so underrated and adds so many layers to the story.

way down hadestown. amber gray. that's it. "you either get to hell or to hadestown, ain't no difference anymore". i fucking love this line so much. not really sure why but the delivery is perfect. also the whole thing with it being a train? i love that so much. all the allusions and comparisons they can make are fantastic. more amber gray appreciation. and ofc. the fates. more fantastic instrumental breaks. "and you better forget about your wishing well." this line is so good but so sad because its literally persephone saying that "hey, fair warning, life is shit down there" and i feel bad for her. like the way she's super sassy and shit, but just stops singing when hades gets there, you can tell that she's definitely not ok. speaking of hades, holy shit patrick page. sounds so fucking fantastic. thank you for existing good sir. eva with the breathtaking single lines. and eva's voice standing out when she sings "ground".

a gathering storm. the constant references to weather and nature throughout the whole musical. eurydice with the common sense. the wind again! "did you hear me, orpheus?" he did not, in fact, hear her.

epic ii. the different names for hades in each epic make me so happy. hades thoughts: "i think my wife might not come back cause i'm super controlling. whatever shall i do? oh, i know! be even more controlling!" lmao dumbass motherfucker. that might not work out so well. i fucking love the transition into "chant" so much.

chant. this is one of my favorite songs from the musical. the wordplay within the entire song is so fucking fantastic. hades singing about desire and then orpheus singing the "song of love" was definitely done on purpose and i'm living for it. every single one of eva's lines make me emotional. ma'am why are you good at everything?? the band! more weather references! patrick page singing "lover" hits different. orpheus singing about hades and persephone being blind and deaf. lmao irony because he's not paying attention to anything around him. the wind! weather! "the song of love" is what brought orpheus and eurydice together, but orpheus' devotion to finishing it is what drives eurydice to hades. "did you think i'd be impressed" i was right ;) it didn't work out so well.

hey, little songbird. the strings <3 patrick page is a god (lol i'm so funny). how does he manage to make manipulation sound so good? bird references! the vocal contrast! eva's voice has this kind of "innocence" to it. especially compared to patrick. not sure if that's on purpose or not, but i love it. also the low note kills me every time. the octave jumps between patrick and eva's voices is just. ugh. and also eva's entire second verse is so fucking good. the emotion she portrays in her voice is so spectacular. seriously hades with the manipulation is so interesting and its so good. (manipulation is not a good thing i just mean that its done so well in the show. do not manipulate people!)

when the chips are down (intro). "your ticket ;)" yes pls sir i'll take a ticket cause life sucks ass.

when the chips are down. i fucking love the fates dear god. gambling references! eva has literally one line and still owns my heart. the band! "shoot to kill" sounds so good like i love it so much pls. also this fucking line "cast your eyes to heaven, you get a knife in the back" is so good. i'm gonna have to get into quite a few lines throughout the musical in a different brain dump because i have so much thought.

gone, i'm gone. darling eurydice. its not your fault that you're starving stop apologizing. "talk of sin" lol she do be going to hell. that's funny. the harmonies.

wait for me (intro). the piano. heremes trying to change the subject hurts my heart. and orpheus' reaction is so sad please. "no.." just rip my fucking heart out, why don't you?

wait for me. the transition. andre coming in clutch with the narration. reeve sounds wonderful, as always. the fucking fates. just kill me already. they literally sound so good. the strings' build up between the "la"s. the chorus. the buildup at the end.

why we build the wall. the total 180 in the vibes. call and response has a special pace in my heart. mr page killing it again. god, hades is such a piece of shit and its perfect. he really is a master manipulator. fuck capitalism. the chorus sounds so good. i want to platonically smooch all of them. jesus fucking christ burn capitalism to the ground. the end is amazing. also the not-so-subtle references to slavery/forced labor.

why we build the wall (outro). i'd die for andre. "anybody want a drink?" yes ma'am. yes please. (don't drink, kids) i love you so much.

our lady of the underground. its so jazzy! jesus fucking christ. oh my fucking god. i would literally sell my soul for amber gray. what did we ever do to deserve her? god the raspiness fucking kills me. also love that she breaks the fourth wall to acknowledge the band. when she comes back in after the instrumental break? consider me dead. "what the boss don't know, the boss won't mind" she sounds so good here. also i love that she straight up doesn't give a fuck about hades here.

way down hadestown (reprise). hell yeah i love reprises. the fates. andre. the chorus. i love them all. i'm such a whore for reoccurring lyrics. the strings! fuck capitalism! eva's emotions are just so fucking good. "you've already forgot?" holy shit. this shit hurted. the "ahh ooh"s are so good.

flowers. the intro <3. eva sounds so pretty. the fucking symbolism in this song is incredible. i'm gonna get into this in another brain dump bc it's a very sensitive topic. the fact that she can't actually fully remember orpheus makes me so sad. so pretty <3

come home with me (reprise). hell yeah another reprise. the way the music is much more upbeat when orpheus shows up. their excitement! eva's vocal emotions are literally so fantastic pls.

papers (intro). "young mannn" kill me patrick. train references! hell yeah persephone. the way andre gets louder when he says "raised up his voice." eva <3. reeve just always sounds so pretty. ohmygod the laugh. kill me good sir. mans straight up admits to owning people and is like "it's cool tho cause they signed a piece of paper. def not taking advantage of people that are literally starving or anything. it's fine." fuck you hades. go step on a fucking lego. orpheus is so sad :(

papers (instrumental). yes. sounds so good. i'm imagining an epic chase scene. the transition into nothing changes <3

nothing changes. respectfully? the fates could kill me any day and i'd thank them. the weather reference! that "anyhow" is so fucking good istg.

if it's true. another one of my favorites. pop off intro. the broken "is this how the world is?" sadly, yes. "but everybody knows that walls have ears." is literally such a powerful line to me for some reason. it does a great job of bringing in the chorus. and by calling the workers "walls" it shows that hades views them as "less than." they aren't even referred to as people. "what's the use of his backbone if he never stands upright." oh my god. because they literally cannot stand upright. anais mitchell is literally a fucking genius. fuck the 1%. gambling references! the chorus backing him is just so pretty. the way orpheus looks to the chorus for advice and support. "we're standing." ugh its so good.

how long. oh my fucking god. amber fucking gray. (that's it, that's the post). the way she sounds resigned/disappointed when she says "i've had enough" makes me so sad. there are no words to describe how i feel about 0:25 - 0:41. like their relationship is strained, and super mega fucked up, but it's obvious that they still care about one another. the emotion in their voices throughout this song is fantastic. the play on light and dark. also more bird references! how they view themselves/their self importance. hades is a most importantly king. persephone is most importantly a wife. it really show that hades views power as more important than anything else. "nothing comes of the songs people sing." holy fucking shit. cause their song is the "song of love," but they can barely stand each other and their relationship has fallen apart. persephone commenting on his love of power over his love of her. amber's voice during "the earth must die" is so nice and for what? god i love her. they sound so nice together <3

chant (reprise). another favorite hehe. the strings! it's all just so pretty. when the piano comes in i die a little. the self realization coming from the chorus when they're like "oh shit, this is wrong. i don't deserve to be treated like this." is so fucking fantastic. the "young mannn" again! hades really be like "manipulate her! make her depend on you financially! i've been ding this a while kid! i know how to successfully control women!" reeve sounds so pretty pls. the way that eurydice has basically become part of the chorus (since she's just another worker now). more self realization! the different ways that hades and orpheus view the "song of love." "sing before i kill you so i can use it to manipulate my wife and make her feel like shit." patrick's voice tho.

epic iii. reeve coming in with that falsetto like nobody's business. orpheus really about to bite you in the ass with your own damn song. amber gray <3. the "ooo"s in the background. the way the music picks up when reeve gets to the "la"s. it's just so fucking good. that falsetto again. orpheus really looked at the king of hell, a literal god, and said "i want to ruin him psychologically" and it fucking worked. which is some of my favorite irony because hades wouldn't have shit if it weren't for that fact that he's a good manipulator and takes advantage of the needy. that last line <3

epic iii (instrumental). i have no words for how fucking beautiful this is. i so desperately want an extended version. like for real love this so much. if i get married, i want this to be the song for the first dance.

promises. eurydice is so proud of him for finishing. the way that eurydice realized that she cares about him more that material objects. wind and weather references! "if we can do it so can they!" she sounds so excited. :( "hand-in-hand" lol nope. not them refencing wedding song, anyway the wind blows, and then giving their "i do"s. absolutely heart wrenching.

word to the wise. the fates. pls step on me ladies. the lyrics throughout this are so fucking good. lol hades being damned. cause he's the king of hell. honestly its solid advice tho. humans are really fucking stupid.

his kiss, the riot. give us them adjectives king. " how dare people want rights! >:(" hades is really trying to make himself the good guy rn. the music! 2:15 - 3:03 is so good pls. the lyrics are just so spectacular.

wait for me (reprise) (intro). hello again andre! hermes literally says "he's trying to psych you out and manipulate you. he wants you to doubt everything" and orpheus says "are you sure tho?" and then procedes to doubt everything. the way the music changes is <3. the song transition.

wait for me (reprise). my absolute fucking favorite song in this musical. the first fucking lyric is so good. it really sets an expectation for the song and i am not disappointed. lyrics that talk about how fucked up any single person's brain is are so fucking cool to me. god i love this song. how soft the first set of "wait for me"s are. the support/pressure from the chorus. the entire exchange between hades and persephone. the way amber's voice sticks out of the chorus. the fates coming in clutch again. train references! more brain talk! amber gray please end me. eva sounds so pretty. and the final note is so good!

doubt comes in. the long intro that builds up suspense. the first time that orpheus's "la"s aren't echoed by the chorus/music. wind! weather! the fates sound so pretty like always. reeve genuinely sounds so scared. the way the music picks up and the chorus joins in when eurydice starts singing. the music is so unsettling and i love it. god i love his voice. 3:44 - 3:57 always hits so different. you realize just how much she means to him. how it all goes to shit when the music reaches the climax. the fact that the music clashes on purpose. the sadness in their voices.

road to hell (reprise). it all comes full circle. god andre sounds so sad. the way you come to really hear the lyrics because there's no upbeat music to distract you this time, "its a tragedy" lol because the actual written story is a tragedy. "i learned that from a friend of mine" poor orpheus :(. the way the chorus slowly joins in and the music slowly picks up. the "can you feel it" is literally so fucking powerful. fuck yes amber. fuck it up queen. amber and eva sound so nice together. the "its a love song, its a sad song" is so sad. the final lyric is just. ugh.

we raise our cups. yes pls amber. this song is so pretty. good night queen.

[stray-tori]

TPN S02E04 - Initial Thoughts (anime-only)

viewing + post-ep talk with my friends: Google Drive (sorry, youtube denied me again)

(i) Translations are in the English (USA) CC (including the english bits as well for those who struggle with the audio/language, etc.)

pls validate my efforts and watch it.

there’s some anime-only talk about the adaptation towards the end, I wasn’t trying to be arrogant, just mention it to my friends based on some things I’d heard and without spoiling them about what is different that I do know of specifically. But if you want to avoid that, feel free to!

I definitely said it a bit too in favor of the anime, and obviously my friends’ just got my simplified thoughts on it? Like when they said it makes sense for the anime to move on quicker, but that’s not really what’s different. 

So yeah, please forgive the dubious things in that segment, I really just didn’t think about my words a lot.

.

. Random thoughts

The fish bug scenes were delightful TvT Also the animation during them trying to grab them???

The OST during Isabella’s scenes???? take me

I think we also heard the OST sneak peak from a while ago during the cave confrontation with the army force human

Don is a useless nightwatch, goddamn it Don

Don is an epic chairman.

Loved the shot of Ray shooting at the big demon (why didn’t Emma get a cool shot? :THONK:), very dynamic, very epic.

Also them running together to push the man off the cliff was... something haha.

I’m losing my mind that we’re actually just ending on the way ep1 started. Same animation loops too, eh. to be expected, and obviously adjusted for different clothing and items but. still as someone who wants to praise for not re-using animation, rip.

EMMA HAVING SLEEPING CHILDREN AROUND HER AWWWW

Eyy Ray took a bath with the others too, yay

.

. The bunker

So, the twist was that there was really.... no twist at all. Minerva was a good guy, he tried his best, he got discovered and chased.

And yet, I don’t think the bunker was previously discovered by the farms, which would at least warrant a “scare” like that, effectively making it a trap. They may have been aware of a shelter’s existence, but I don’t think they’ve been there before.

You could probably assume that the Troup that attacked our characters may have also removed the previous escapees from the scene --- but if that was the case, why leave all of the letters and other things in place. Not getting there immediately is understandable, they seem to arrived by foot (what? do you plan to keep an eye on the children the whole like 5 day march back or however long it took?? dang). So that’s not it.

So: what caused the HELPs? the person writing in the book seems to have been abandoned or more likely, are the only survivor of their group (maybe the only person in the group at all). Now it’d be an option for them to have found this safe haven and decided to just spend their days there, slowly losing their minds and doing the things on the wall. But then the message in the book, on the other hand, seems traumatized and sad, but not as lost as the carvings on the wall.

So either, they calmed down after going crazy and then once they did, they decided to leave.

Or it’s from two different people (or multiple), the one after the “HELP” one probably leaving the uplifting message in the book nearby of the scribbles.

I’m not sure which I’d find more likely, but all in all, I’m not sure why they didn’t just have the demons already know of the place and just have the letter (they probably wouldn’t have searched everything in the place) not be as obviously placed and then boom, they could still have made all discoveries they needed and when they found the help wall, it would have been from children trapped in the room while the men searched the bunker, wanting help.

* Clearly that’s not what they were going for, since there’s also day-counting things, but even that you could have explained by saying, they missed a child and the other escapees convinced them that they died, somehow and so they were left behind, traumatized by their friends being taken back and giving up for a while. It still runs into the same “but how can it be the same person?” doubt that my friend brought up, but I think that it’d justify the shock value of the wall more. Still not really making the whole “HELP” thing add up though, since that just sounds like there’s an immediate threat, when there isn’t. The only other thing I can think of is that the entire wall wasn’t one instance, so the counting could be solitude, the HELPs acute danger and the names probably also solitude. The drawing on the right also makes me think it was probably a child as well, fairly young. Poor kid.

Unless there’s something more to it I feel like it makes a little more sense, but still not a lot (WHY’D YOU LEAVE YOUR SNACKS, BRO) but seeing as we’ve left, I don’t think we’ll get to know.

.

I’m assuming the way the farm knew now is either a) they were aware but didn’t see any reason to go there unless there were children there, b) they saw the coordinate carvings (thanks Ray) or c) the pursuers contacted the farms (which would make sense, and again, thanks Ray).

.

.. the farm has a military force???

I also find it kind of funny that the farms have a military force??? Because so far, we’ve never seen them use guns to do anything. Which makes me think they might not be farm-intern but from an outside force, maybe the humans who are more “on-level” with them?

Like, what do they do all day. They’re probably not part of the buff demon guards and.... idk man haha-

.

. Isabella

Ahh I was happy to see her! I was even happier to be like “hah, prison. Knew it.” and then later reacting to the offer, even though that wasn’t exactly what I called, but damn. the pride. my fucking expression too lol, i couldn’t hide it at all pff.

Her jump in motivation is a little weird, but I do see it as, someone who has basically accepted their fate, and when that gets challenged, the will to live takes over. 

I’m also not quite sure how she’s supposed to capture them if she can’t leave?

And then of course there’s whatever they promised her aside from “freedom” (which, if that just means being let outside, good luck ma’am there’s demons everywhere) - or is the transportation to the human world included? :D

Based on her clothing in the OP, I might have guessed it’d be “become a grandma” but that doesn’t really go well with the promise of freedom so.... I don’t know where that entire thing is going pff-

We don’t know a lot about what drives Isabella but one of the few things we do know is a) will to live and b) Leslie (????), hence the lullaby in “stressful” situations.

She already got the will to live with the baseline deal, so the only thing I can think of that would make her react more than freedom would be that Leslie’s alive and she can see him if she helps.

I’m not sure if she’s interested in anything else, like how the world works or what she can do for anyone, like.... hm. Of course it could totally be something that we just don’t know yet but yeah I guess that’s my guess.

They probably won’t give up Ray and seeing as she’s more concerned about his brain than anything, I don’t think even if they did allow her to take him with her, it probably wouldn’t mean a lot to her. Plus, why lose another high quality cattle.

I guess it could be, she did seem she wanted to be a proper mother figure, but idk something tells me it’s probably not something like that.

It would also be more “???” than “OHHH” of an reveal. Then again, Leslie is also an obvious choice so.

Maybe it’s something entirely new, we’ll see :D

.

. The possibily wrong date

So when Anna writes a journal thingy, we see this

And, well, their escape happened in January 2046, so... for that to be true, somewhere along the line, an entire year would have had to pass.

I’m assume this is a production error because

they didn’t get to harvest once

they wouldn’t wait a year to talk about the plan to go back

Ray wouldn’t need an ear patch for so long, he only has a cut

the montage only showed 22nd and 23rd, if an entire year had passed, we’d have been shown more varied dates, etc.

then it makes even less sense for why the army shows up one year later out of nowhere :D

...

Smh, CloverWorks, what can you even do right.

.

Yee, thanks for reading!

[morningfears]

DIY Romance

Rating: PG

Summary: “Am I your lock screen? That’s so cute.” “...you weren’t supposed to see that.” For @marvelsperalta​. Ft. YouTuber!Reader and YouTuber!Cal that no one asked for but I’m sort of obsessed with. And pining best friends to lovers! (Also, I haven’t written anything in months pls don’t judge me I’m rusty thx)

Word Count: 1.6k

“Hey, guys! Welcome back to my channel, I hope you’re all having an amazing day! Today’s video is going to be super fun because Calum, my best friend and nine-tenths of my impulse control, is joining me.”

Calum knows that he should glance at the camera as you introduce him, knows that you’ll playfully scold him later as you edit the footage, but he keeps his gaze firmly on you as you smile brightly at the camera. He’s got a small smile of his own, his lips tilted up at the corner, and pink tinged cheeks as you gesture at the table full of craft supplies in front of you both.

“We’re going to be attempting to follow some really interesting holiday crafts, some edible and some not, here on my channel. Notice how I said attempting, by the way. Last year’s holiday video turned into a dumpster fire so quickly so… Hopefully this year will be different! On Calum’s channel, you’re going to get to see me epically fail at learning how to play a few of our favorite holiday pop punk songs on the bass!”

Calum laughs at this as he recalls the last time he attempted to teach you how to play a song on bass. For someone who knew how to play piano and was fairly good at picking up new skills, he remembered thinking that you were hopeless. However, that didn’t stop him from attempting to teach you new songs as it always gave him an excuse to sit just a little closer, his knees touching yours and his fingers brushing over the back of your hand as he attempted to show you the right chord.

“I’ll leave a link to Cal’s channel in the box below, along with his Insta handle because I always get a million comments asking for it because apparently you all have a crush on Cal.”

“I mean, who wouldn’t?” Calum questions, his voice dropping into an over exaggerated caricature of confidence as he winks at the camera. You turn to stare at him for a moment, eyebrows raised but face otherwise void of emotion, before you both giggle at his behavior.

“This is why I don’t let you participate in my videos more than once a year,” you tease with a laugh as Calum nudges your side and you attempt to keep the goofy smile that your subscribers mercilessly point out any time Calum appears on your channel (or on your Instagram) off your face.

You know that it’s cliche, you’ve told yourself that time and time again (and your friends, any time they ask about what’s really going on between you and Calum), but you couldn’t help falling for your best friend. It wasn’t love at first sight, contrary to what everyone seemed to think, but you’ve found that Calum is the kind of person that almost worms his way into your heart. He’s thoughtful and kind, funny and charming, talented and hardworking, and, as if his heart wasn’t already the most beautiful thing you’d ever seen, his physical appearance (no matter how drastically he changed his hair or his wardrobe) was just as beautiful.

You sometimes hate that you fell so hard for someone you consider your closest friend. However, when he moves just a little closer as you reach for the basket containing the items you need for your first holiday craft, you can’t help but think about the little moments that make you think your feelings might not be one-sided.

Any time there’s a movie night at Luke’s, any time there’s a dinner at Ashton’s, any time there’s a game night at Michael’s; Calum is always by your side. He somehow always manages to claim the seat to your left, his hand on your knee or his arm around your shoulders. He somehow always manages to capture your attention, regardless of how interested you are in the movie or the food or the game at hand. He always manages to be the center of your world, no matter how many people are around, and even managed to keep your attention in the presence of your (at one time) crush.

You sometimes wonder if it’s just him being friendly, if he’s only treating you this way because he’s comfortable around you, or if he’s really interested.

However, before you can think too much about it, yet again, you push the thought to the back of your mind and return to the craft at hand.

“So, up first,” you hum as you begin pulling the ingredients you’ll need for a homemade sugar cookie out of the small red basket, “sugar cookies! We’re going to make some and then decorate them with a few cool hacks I found on Pinterest. We all know that Pinterest hasn’t been my best friend in recent years so let’s hope that these turn out as nice as they looked online.”

Calum is one of your most competent friends in the kitchen. He knows his way around, even if he isn’t the most confident chef there is, and manages to help you get the dough ready to cut into shapes. As you roll it out, flour on your hands and covering your kitchen counter, your cell phone dings and you huff an annoyed breath.

“No one ever wants to talk to me unless I’m filming,” you laugh as you glance at the camera. “Cal, can you silence that for me, please?” you question as you nod at your flour-covered fingers.

“‘Course,” he hums as he reaches for the device. The moment he picks it up from the counter, it goes off again but you pay it no mind as you focus on getting the dough just right. However, after a moment of silence, you glance up to find Calum grinning at your lock screen.

“What?” you question, a frown on your lips as pause and raise an eyebrow at him.

“Am I your lock screen?” he asks as he clears the notifications and turns the device toward the camera. “That’s so cute!”

“…you weren’t supposed to see that,” you mumble as you glance at the picture of the two of you that you’d set as your lock screen a few weeks prior. It’s a picture that Luke had taken of the two of you, sitting on his couch. Calum is holding a bowl of popcorn above his head, grinning as you attempt to reach for it. It looks like something out of a cheesy film, some ridiculous photo of two idiots in love, and you loved the photo more than you cared to admit.

It made you feel like there was something there, that you weren’t totally crazy for believing there could be more to you and Calum some day, but you never wanted him to see it. It isn’t weird, not really, but it’s also not completely normal, either. It’s a strange limbo area that you’re not sure how to deal with and you almost reach out for the device, flour hands be damned.

“It really is cute,” Calum hums, his smile blinding as he glances up at you. “Fitting, I guess, ‘cause mine’s of the two of us, too.”

“Wait, really?” you ask, your lips parting in surprise as he fishes his own phone out of his pocket and clicks the home button. As the screen wakes, you catch sight of the two of you, sitting in Ashton’s backyard under the fairy lights his girlfriend had strung around the area to keep everything bright. It’s a picture that you didn’t know existed, one you’d never seen before, and you can’t help but smile at it. “That’s such a good picture,” you mumble before you tear your eyes away from it and glance up at Calum. “When was that taken?”

“Few months ago,” he shrugs as he shoves the device back into his pocket. “Ash took it. He said he was sure we’d want it later. He wasn’t wrong.” When you blink in confusion, Calum steps a little closer to you. “I might’ve read this wrong, might’ve read everything wrong, but I like to think that I haven’t. I’d like to think that you feel for me what I feel for you.”

“And what do you feel for me?” you ask, even though you’re half certain you already know the answer.

“I’m into you,” Calum offers, his voice going quiet as he glances down at the floor. “I have been for a while but I’ve just been too afraid to make a move. A real one, anyway. But I’m tired of hinting and hoping.”

“I feel the same,” you nod, a small smile on your lips as you wait for him to lift his gaze from the floor to your eyes. “I’m into you, too. And I’m glad that you made the first move because we both know I would’ve overthought it to the point of nothing actually happening.”

Calum laughs at this, nodding as he considers just how true that statement likely is, and grins at you. “Does this mean that you’ll let me take you on a date tonight instead of us hanging out at Luke’s, watching movies with our friends?”

“Absolutely,” you nod, your grin matching his as you reach for a towel to wipe your hands. “I don’t think I could think of a better way to spend tonight than by having date night with you.”

The pair of you stand there for a moment, grins stretching your lips and nothing else seeming to exist, and Calum moves as if he plans to kiss you when the beeping of your camera battery pulls you from your fantasy. You blink, mildly disoriented, and laugh as you realize that you’d filmed the whole thing. “I don’t think that’s going to make it into the final video,” you hum as you reach to turn off your camera for a moment, “but I don’t think I’m too upset about having that footage.”

_______________________________________________________________________

Author’s Note: I haven’t written in months, help. I don’t know why I’m so obsessed with this AU it’s just fun. Okay, I’m tired. I’m gonna go watch more YouTube. No, I don’t have a problem. Goodbye.

[soobiniebaby]

Angels & Devils Part XIV : Who’s a Liar?

Tomorrow x Together Fanfiction

~ p a r t s : main post || prologue || part 1 || part 2 || part 3 || part 4 || part 5 || part 6 || part 7 || part 8 || part 9 || part 10 || part 11 || part 12 || part 13 || part 14 || part 15 || part 16 || part 17 ~ p a i r i n g : love triangle involving choi soobin and choi yeonjun ~ g e n r e : high school au | some social media au | some fluff & angst | childhood friends | love triangle ~ l a n g u a g e : English ~ w a r n i n g : contains swearing, alcohol, kissing (?) and may contain mature themes (angst, etc.) ~ a / n : This will be my first fanfic (go easy on me pls) and i’m just writing this as I go along, so bear with me juseyo The setting (place/country) of the story is up to the reader’s interpretation ~ s u m m a r y : What should she choose? Han Baby: the new girl with a troubled past MO Academy: her new high school Choi Soobin: student council president, member of the Ecosave club, volunteer at the Humane Treatment of Animals, member of the Honor Society, a vocalist in the Jazzed club, the school’s all around golden boy Choi Yeonjun: leader of the Dance club, star of the Jazzed club, the school’s it boy with a bad rep 5 best friends, 1 new girl, 1 childhood friendship, 1 epic love triangle? What will this school year bring?

“Yeonjun, I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

“Baby, please, wait. Please, take 3 deep breaths and try to calm down. Hear me out. Please.”

“Yeonjun, no. I can’t do this. I don’t know how I can possibly get past this. I don’t think I could ever let this go.”

“So what do you want to happen now? What do you want me to do? Tell me anything, and I’ll do it. Baby, I’ll do anything for you. Just please tell me how I can make this right.”

“You want to know what I want to happen? I want this to stop. This, us, this evening, this pain, this nightmare, I just want this all to stop. I think the best thing you could do for me now is just let me go, don’t make this hurt any more than it already does. Just let me go. Yeonjun, please, just let me go.”

“Baby, please, don’t.”

“This is goodbye, Yeonjun. I’m breaking up with you.”

3 weeks before… The past couple of weeks have been difficult for Soobin.

First, the Fall Ball was coming up, and as Student Council president, it was a bit of a burden on him. The Fall Ball was one of the biggest social events at MOA, and it was the first of the 3 annual school dances that took place at the school every year, followed by the Winter Formal and Prom for the Seniors. The Student Council, along with the respective committees in charge of the Fall Ball, had been meeting at least thrice every week now.

Second, he’d been trying his best to keep his distance from Yeonjun and B. Knowing what he knew about what happened the night of Yeonjun’s birthday party 2 weeks ago, he felt as if there was a ticking time bomb that could explode at any moment. So far, Yeonjun had showed no signs of recalling just how far things with Rose went that night, and B hadn’t shown any signs of remembering the conversation that she and Soobin shared in the utility closet while she was crying her eyes out, which ended with him admitting that he currently had feelings for her, which he was really struggling with.

And third, he just seemed to be falling more and more for her everyday. No matter how much he tried to keep her at a distance, the little smiles she’d send his way and the mere way she said his name just made his heart flutter every damn time. The butterflies in his stomach were inescapable.

He felt guilty for thinking it, but on more than one occasion he’d fantasized about having B as his date for the Fall Ball. He’d imagined what it would be like to drive to her apartment on the night of the ball, and how breathtaking she’d look as she’d greet him at her apartment door wearing the most gorgeous dress, how her eyes would sparkle when they’d take pictures at the photobooth before the dance, how tender she’d feel in his arms as they slow-danced in the middle of the school’s event hall, and even the things that they could do after the dance, which may or may not have included the tantalizing thought of him unzipping her dress to reveal her slender bare back and more.

His imaginations of everything that he wanted to do with B’s bare skin made Soobin feel guilty, but he couldn’t stop the fantasies from playing in his mind from time to time. He found that the best way to shut them down was to remind himself that Yeonjun had probably already seen or done everything that Soobin could only fantasize about, which effectively made Soobin feel sick to his stomach. He didn’t know just how far Yeonjun had taken things with B, but he had definitely insinuated that they’ve done more than just make out, and frankly, Soobin didn’t want to know just how much more.

Besides, Soobin was well aware that his thoughts were nothing more than fantasies, that Yeonjun would be taking B to the Fall Ball, and that his reality would probably end up with him ensuring that the event would be running smoothly the whole evening, too busy to actually dance with his date, if he’d even have one.

Taehyun had tried, on more than one occasion, to suggest who he should take as his date to the Fall Ball.

“How about Tyuzu, that shy girl in your Maths class? She seems really nice and graceful, and with her height I’m sure you 2 would look amazing together.” Taehyun suggests. It was lunch time, and the 6 of them were sitting at their gazebo. Yeonjun and B were busy feeding each other and giving each other googly eyes, while Beomgyu and Kai seemed to be laughing over a video Kai had seen on Twitter.

“Chou Tzuyu? She is really nice, kinda shy, and I have to admit that she’s very pretty.” Soobin says, considering Taehyun’s suggestion. “But I don’t know if I can ask her, we’ve never had any conversations before so it would be a bit weird, she might say no.”

Kai lets out a snort. “Yeah right. Soobin, do you know how many girls at this school would go crazy if you asked them to be your date to the Fall Ball? Have you forgotten who you are?” he says. “Heck, remember that one year when a couple of girls asked you to be their date? I wouldn’t be surprised if it happens again this year.”

Beomgyu nods in agreement. “That’s right, you’re Choi fucking Soobin! President of the Student Council, Ecosave club ambassador, president of the Humane Treatment of Animals, member of MO Academy’s elite Basketball team, a main vocalist of the Jazzed club!” he exclaims, holding his hands up in the air as if there were a billboard with Soobin’s name on it. “Choi fucking Soobin.”

Soobin laughs, embarrassed. “Thanks you guys, but I don’t think I’ll be taking a date this year.”

“No, what about Tzuyu? I’ve been thinking about who the perfect date for you would be, and after much consideration and deliberation, I know she’s the one.” Taehyun says.

“And she seems great, Tyun, and thanks but no thanks. Why don’t you ask her instead?” Soobin suggests, politely turning down his suggestion.

“I would, but she’s too tall for me.” Taehyun grumbles. “Plus, there’s already someone else I wanna go with.” he says, subtly shooting a look in Beomgyu’s direction. Noticing this, the ever-so-confident Choi Beomgyu looks flustered for a moment, not expecting the sudden interaction.

“Oh? Our Taehyunie actually has a date in mind?” Kai says excitedly. “Finally! Who’s the lucky date?”

“I haven’t asked them yet, so still no date for me.” Taehyun backtracks. “What about you, Hyuka? You got a date in mind?”

Now it was the younger boy’s turn to be flustered. “I, uh, I’m kinda dating Yuna, and we already agreed to go to the Fall Ball together.” he mumbles.

“Whoa, you asked Yuna out? Why didn’t you tell us!” Beomgyu exclaims, surprised.

“I’m sorry, I thought I did!” Kai says defensively. “I definitely told B about it though. Right, Baba?” he says, turning to B.

B breaks out of the little love bubble she shared with Yeonjun and nods. “Yup, and I think you 2 are adorable.” she says. “Yuna, Ryu and I will probably be going dress shopping this weekend. Do you have any preferences? Anything in particular you wanna see her wear? Any color or style in mind?”

Kai starts to blush. “N—Not really, I think she’d look great no matter what she wears.”

The whole group in the gazebo collectively goes “Aw.”

“Sounds like our darling boy is in love.” Soobin says affectionately, ruffling his hair. “Yuna’s a lucky girl! No wonder you seem like you’ve had your head in the clouds lately.”

“Oh stop it.” Kai huffs, his cheeks heating up as he tries to brush away Soobin’s hand. “At least I have a date. Really, Soobin, you could ask literally any girl in this school and she’d say yes.”

Except the one girl I actually want to ask, Soobin thinks to himself, his eyes sneaking a quick glance at B, who currently had Yeonjun’s arm casually wrapped around her shoulders as he absentmindedly scrolled through his phone and she continued to tease Kai about his new relationship.

B was pretty, but it wasn’t like she was the prettiest girl in the world. Heck, he knew that there were a lot of other pretty girls at MOA, so he didn’t know why he was so captivated by her. Soobin had never considered himself to be the kind of guy who’d have a type, so he didn’t know what exactly made someone attractive to him. He just found himself attracted, and he had no idea why. Out of all the girls at MOA, why did she have to be the one to catch his attention?

At that exact moment, B turns her head towards him and their eyes meet. She breaks into a giggle, causing Soobin’s heart to skip a beat. He starts to panic as he realizes that she had caught him staring.

“Soobin? Do you want my help in the date department?” she asks teasingly.

“Ah, nope, I think I’m good. I really don’t think I’ll be asking anyway to be my date this year.” Soobin says, flustered by her catching him staring at her.

“Dude, it’s our last year and it’s our last Fall Ball. Are you sure you want to do it solo?” Yeonjun pipes in.

Soobin shrugs. “I don’t mind, really. I’ll focus more on organizing it and making sure everyone has a good time, so being dateless is alright with me.”

B sighs. “What a shame, you could’ve made one very lucky girl at MOA really happy.” she says. “But whatever you say, Soobinie. Just make sure you let yourself enjoy the Fall Ball as well instead of just focusing on everyone else having fun, alright?”

Soobin nods. “I will, don’t worry.”

Once that was settled, the school bell rings then, signaling the end of their lunch break. The group pack up their stuff and walk back to the main building, going their separate ways to class.

•°•

2 weeks before…

“Hey Tyun, do you have a date to the Fall Ball yet?” Soobin asks absentmindedly, his eyes on the screen and his fingers expertly smashing buttons on the controller as he did his best to beat Kai at this round of Tekken. It was Saturday, and the guys had come over to his place to play video games.

Taehyun sighs, scrolling through his phone while the boys focused on their video game. “No, Soobin, I don’t. I haven’t had the chance to ask yet.” Which was true. It was only when Taehyun had started seeing someone in their friend group when he realized just how hard it was to be dating someone in the same friend group, especially when they he and Beomgyu had both agreed to keep things lowkey. He could see now why Yeonjun and B hadn’t told anyone about their relationship when they first started dating.

He thought it would be easy, since he and Beomgyu saw each other everyday, ate lunch together everyday, hung out at his family’s café after school everyday, and even got to hang out during the weekends. The problem was that the 2 could never find time to themselves, the rest of the friend group always seemed adamant on hanging out together, and if both of the boys would say no to hanging out at Soobin’s place on Saturdays, then it would come off as suspicious. Whenever they were together, they could hardly sneak in some quick hand holding, much more a few private words between them.

His eyes dart to Beomgyu, who was sitting in the middle of Soobin and Kai on the sofa. He looked adorable between the 2 giants of the group, sitting with his legs tucked under him, making him look extra tiny. Taehyun’s heart fluttered when Beomgyu meets his gaze and gives him an understanding smile, which he returns.

Taehyun knew that he could just ask Beomgyu to be his date through text, but Taehyun was a bit of a romantic. For the past year, he could only ever fantasize of what it would be like to kiss Beomgyu, of how soft his hands would feel, of the warmth of his body if he were to embrace him, of dancing with him in the middle of the floor at one of MOA’s school dances. Now that it was all a reality, he wanted everything to be perfect, or to at least be able to ask him in person.

“What, why haven’t you asked yet?” Soobin exclaims, surprised. “Kang Taehyun, are you…nervous?”

Kai bursts out laughing at the thought. “Taehyun? Nervous? Please, I bet that word isn’t even in his vocabulary.” he says, keeping his eyes on the screen. “If anyone should be nervous, it should be whoever Taehyun plans on asking. No offense, Tyun, but you are intimidating as hell. Even as your friend, I would probably pee myself out of nervousness if you wanted to ask me to the dance.”

“Lucky for you I don’t want to ask you, then.” Taehyun replies dryly. His brows furrow together with worry. “Am I really that scary?” He knew he had a reputation at MOA, that everyone had him on a pedestal as this perfect untouchable being, that most students were afraid to speak to him unless he acknowledged them first, but he didn’t think even his friends would feel that way.

“No, I don’t think so. Hyuka’s just saying that cause he’s scared of you but I don’t think you’re that intimidating, but that might be cause I’m the oldest one here.” Yeonjun pipes in, his eyes on his phone. “What do you think, Gyu? Is Taehyun scary or is Kai just a scaredy cat?”

Kai lets out a “Hey!” in protest, but Taehyun’s focus is on Beomgyu now, who tapped a finger on his chin as he thought of his response. “No, I don’t think Taehyun’s scary at all. In fact, I think he’s adorable. Like a cute little squirrel, with his big eyes and his fluffy hair.” he says thoughtfully, smiling fondly at the said boy. “In fact, contrary to what Kai thinks, I’d be ecstatic if I knew that Taehyun would like to ask me to the dance.”

Taehyun feels heat start to creep into his cheeks, flustered by Beomgyu’s opinion. “Really? You’d be ecstatic?” he says, not really knowing what else to say.

Beomgyu nods. “Definitely. I would say yes, without a doubt.” he says, his smile growing.

Without a second thought, Taehyun suddenly says “So do it, then. Be my date. Go to the dance with me. Say yes.”

Once his words register, everyone goes still, their heads all turning towards him, as if he had just transformed into a squirrel in front of them. Taehyun didn’t think he’d just blurt it out, but the words came out of his mouth before he could even think about it. He knew they were all looking at him as if he were crazy, but he only had eyes on Beomgyu, who was looking at him with wide eyes, caught by surprise.

After a moment, Beomgyu’s smile grows even wider as he says “Yes. I’ll be your date. I’ll go to the dance with you. Without a doubt.”

Taehyun can’t stop himself from smiling upon hearing this, his jaw stretching out to its limit and his eyes crinkling with glee. Meanwhile, their friends suddenly unpause, jumping out of their seats and staring at the 2 boys.

“Oh my god! What just happened?” Kai exclaims, covering his mouth with his hand to stop himself from smiling.

“Wait, Tyun, when you told me you’ve been in love with someone for like a year now, was it Beomgyu this whole time?” Soobin says, the realization hitting him like a truck.

Taehyun nods. “Yes, but there’s no need to talk about that.” he says, trying to politely tell Soobin to keep his mouth shut. Now, he was shy.

“In love, hm?” Beomgyu says teasingly, standing up as well to walk over to Taehyun. “For a whole year? Didn’t know you had it that bad for me, Tyun.”

“Don’t let it get to your head now, just cause you’re my date.” Taehyun says casually, trying to hide his giddiness. Beomgyu was his date. He was going to the Fall Ball with Beomgyu.

Yeonjun walks over to the 2 and envelops them into a hug, squishing them together. “I’m so, so happy for you two.” he says wholeheartedly.

“Thanks, YJ.” Beomgyu says, laughing as Yeonjun squeezes them even tighter.

“Congratulations you two! I’m so happy!” Soobin squeals, joining the group hug.

“Congrats! I’m happy, too!” Kai says, trying his best to wrap his arms around the 4 older boys. “What should we call you now? Beomhyun? Taegyu? Tyugyu?” he says playfully.

“You’ll call us Tyun and Gyu cause that’s who we are.” Taehyun responds. “Look, I love you guys, and I’d like to thank you all for being happy for us, but I can’t feel my ribs so please let go now.” he manages to say, trying his best to wiggle his way out of the group hug, which was impossible since he was right in the middle of it.

“No, I want this moment to last forever. So happy for you guys.” Kai coos, squeezing even harder.

“Hey, please don’t crush my date!” Beomgyu laughs, attempting to protect Taehyun from being squeezed to death.

“You heard Gyu, hands off his date!” Soobin says, stepping away from the group. The 2 other boys hesitantly follow suit, leaving Beomgyu and Taehyun standing together in the center. The two boys look at each other, their eyes both sparkling with joy as Beomgyu reached out and took Taehyun’s hand in his.

“My date.” Beomgyu says, keeping his eyes on his boy. Once again, Taehyun can feel his cheeks go red, and it takes his entire willpower to stop himself from leaning in and kissing Beomgyu right then and there.

Their 3 friends coo and squeal in awe, amazed at what they were seeing.

“How are you 2 so sweet? How did this happen without any of us suspecting anything?” Soobin asks curiously, looking at the 2 with a bit of jealousy. Why couldn’t he have what they did?

“Actually, yes, I think we all want to know how exactly this happened.” Yeonjun agrees, taking a seat on the sofa.

“Will you tell us? Please? I wanna hear a love story.” Kai says, plopping himself down next to Yeonjun and giving the 2 boys puppy dog eyes. Soobin soon follows, seating himself on the couch, and looks at the 2 pleadingly.

“Alright, children, settle down.” Beomgyu says, taking over. “Allow me to tell you the story of how Tyun fell head over heels in love with me—”

“Oh shut up, you’re the one who kissed me first.” Taehyun says, making the 3 boys gasp.

“B—but, no! That was a game!” Beomgyu interjects, referring to the game of Kiss or Tell at Yeonjun’s birthday party. “I panicked and kissed you cause you were gonna tell everyone about that one time we tried this new Ramen place near the subway and I ended up shitti—”

“You know that’s not the kiss I was talking about.” Taehyun cuts him off, echoing the exact words Beomgyu had said to him when they first talked about it at Kang’s café. Beomgyu’s face goes red as the 3 boys practically die of curiosity.

“Oh my god, Gyu kissed Tyun? After the game?” Kai screeches, unable to stop his dolphin-like squeals from coming out due to his excitement.

Taehyun nods. “There’s not much to it, really. He kissed me during that game, then he kissed me again after, we talked about it. We started kissing and talking more, and then I asked him to be my date today in front of you guys.” he says matter-of-factly.

“Don’t forget the part where Soobin said you’ve been in love with me for a year now.” Beomgyu butts in, recovering from his flustered state.

“Soobin, you’re lucky I like you and consider you as one of my closest friends.” Taehyun says, looking at him pointedly.

Soobin laughs nervously, knowing that he was referring to the fact that he told Taehyun practically everything about his feelings for B. “Yeah, thanks, Tyun.” he says sheepishly.

Taehyun simply nods at him, signaling that his secret was still safe with him. “Now that we’re all caught up on me and Gyu’s history, can we let it go and move on now?” he says, not really used to being in the spotlight for anything other than his academic achievements or extracurricular talents. And he definitely wasn’t used to being fawned over for his love life, which had been nonexistent up until that moment.

The 3 boys nod. “Okay okay, let’s talk about something else. How about the Fall Ball? What will you guys be wearing?” Kai asks, gamely changing the topic.

“Yeah, I mean, a suit? What else?” Yeonjun says. “I have like a hundred suits just waiting to be worn, I just have to pick one out.”

Beomgyu nods. “I’ve got some suits at home too.”

“I don’t have a suit yet.” Taehyun says quietly, as if he were a bit shy and embarrassed. “I—I kind of just rent a suit every time I have to attend an event that requires it because…” Because I can’t afford to buy it, he wanted to admit. Even with the scholarship, it was hard to maintain his lifestyle as a student of MO Academy. He did his best so that it wouldn’t be a financial burden to his family. He walked to and from school everyday, brought packed lunches, recycled notebooks and used textbooks, and worked part time at the café so his family wouldn’t need to pay for an extra set of hands.

Being one of the school’s scholarship kids never bothered him much, especially since he knew his performance as a student was exemplary and he knew he deserved the honor of studying at such a prestigious school, but he couldn’t stop himself from those moments when he just couldn’t afford to live as lavishly as his friends did. But when he saw his friends’ faces showing that they understood, he felt like he didn’t have to say it out loud.

Beomgyu clicks his tongue, looking at him playfully with disapproval. “No way, my date deserves to own a suit. The most handsome guy at MO Academy, apart from myself of course, should definitely own a suit.” he says, smiling at Taehyun thoughtfully. “What do you say, I take you out shopping tomorrow? We can go to the shopping center near that subway station, I could meet you there for lunch?”

Taehyun beams at him then, nodding his head. “It’s a date.”

“Our first one.” Beomgyu says, winking at him.

“But the fact still stands that I can’t…afford to buy a suit.” Taehyun says sheepishly.

“Darling, don’t worry about that. I’ll get you a suit as pretty as your face, which is impossible because you are the prettiest person I’ve ever seen, but I can sure as hell try.” Beomgyu says, lifting a hand up to cup Taehyun’s cheek, making him blush.

“Alright, but nothing too extravagant, and definitely no designer brands.” Taehyun says, giving in. “And I’m buying you lunch.”

Beomgyu beams. He didn’t think Taehyun would say yes, but he was set on buying him a suit whether he wanted it or not anyway. “Deal.”

The 3 boys watching them from couch squirm, trying their best to hold in their awe, but upon seeing that, Kai couldn’t hold it in any longer.

To everyone’s surprise, Kai lets out a squeal, making them all jump and stare at him. “You guys are so cute, I wanna cry.” he says, making them all laugh fondly at the youngest boy.

“We are adorable, aren’t we?” Taehyun says, wrapping an arm around Beomgyu’s waist.

“Couple of the year.” Beomgyu agrees, kissing the top of his head. “So what kind of suit do you want?”

“Just a standard black suit, so I can wear it to any occasion.” Taehyun says. “I mean, it’s not like there’s a wide spectrum of styles to choose from anyway.”

“This topic would’ve been more fun to talk about if we were girls.” Soobin pipes in thoughtfully. “It’s kinda boring how guys just wear the same thing for every formal event. Meanwhile, girls can pick any dress color and any style of dress they want!” he says, suddenly going on a mini rant. “It seems so fun in movies when girls go dress shopping and fix up their hair and do their makeup before a big event. I wish guys could experience the same thing. Shopping and getting all dressed up and excited for a big night sounds so fun.”

“Speaking of girls going shopping, I’m pretty sure Baby, Yuna and Ryujin are doing exactly that right now.” Yeonjun says, taking out his phone and tapping it a few times before holding it up to his ear. “Hello? Baby?”

“Yes?”

“I—I was talking to her, not you, Gyu.” Yeonjun says, surprised when Beomgyu responded. The boys in the room snicker, and Taehyun smacks his arm.

“Baby? You there?”

‘Hey there, yes I’m here with Lia and Ryu.’ B responds over the phone.

“Hey Baby. Ah, dress shopping, I presume?” Yeonjun says knowingly.

‘Yup! We’ve been walking around and trying on dresses for what feels like decades. I think this is the 5th shop we’ve been in. I’m exhausted.’ B says, and she did sound tired.

Yeonjun pouts. “Oh no, is my baby tired? Want me to come over and help you girls? I can carry all your bags and stuff.” he offers.

B giggles. ‘Thanks, but I think we’re good here. I don’t want to interrupt your time with the guys, plus I kind of don’t want you to see my dress until the Fall Ball. I want it to be a surprise.’ she says mysteriously.

“Oh, you have a dress already? No fair, I wanna see it! Send me pictures please.” Yeonjun says pleadingly.

‘Well, no, but I’ve tried on a few dresses that I might end up buying so I have a few prospects. And no, I want it to be surprise!’ she laughs. ‘I gotta go, we have to finish this by 6pm and we haven’t even thought about looking at shoes yet. See you later, and say hi to the boys for me!’ B says quickly before hanging up.

“Was that Yeonjun?” Ryujin asks as B puts her phone away.

B nods. “Yup, he was just checking in.” she says, going back to scanning the clothing rack for any dress that would catch her eye. “God, I hate shopping. I’m so tired, and I haven’t even bought anything yet. This feels hopeless.”

“Hey, lighten up, this is supposed to be fun!” Ryujin laughs. “Why haven’t you bought anything yet? I thought that blue dress you tried on at the shop before this one looked amazing on you. The one with the thigh high slit? It was gorgeous.”

B bites her lip. The dress was gorgeous, but she didn’t feel gorgeous when she wore it. The truth was, the closer the Fall Ball was getting, the more self-conscious she was growing about her body. She had strived to maintain her slim figure. She had always watched what she eats and tried her best to get in some exercise whenever she could, but ever since she moved away from her home, she hadn’t been able to find the time or the equipment to exercise, and she felt like it was starting to show. “Honestly, I thought I looked a bit fat, but I’ll keep the dress in mind. I think I can lose a few pounds in 2 weeks, right?”

Ryujin’s jaw drops as B says this. “Fat? Please tell me you’re joking.” she says, horrified. “B, no offense, but you could use a few extra pounds. I love you, I love how you look, but sometimes when I hug you I feel like I could snap you in half.” Ryujin admits.

“Ryu, no, I just feel like if I lost some of this fat right under my belly button, any dress would look just right.” B says, pinching the nonexistent fat.

“Please don’t.” Ryujin says. “If I see you dieting, I will force feed you. You are beautiful just the way you are, and if you don’t see that, then maybe you just need a little nudge, or a gently shove.”

Just then, Yuna calls the girls to the dressing room. “Guys! Come look, I think I’ve just found the perfect dress!” she squeals.

As the 2 girls head over to the dressing room, Yuna pulls aside the curtain and steps out of the booth dramatically, giving a twirl and a pose. “Ta-dah! What do you guys think?”

Ryujin and B looked at her in awe. She was wearing a satin gold slip dress that elegantly hung off her frame, highlighting her delicate shoulders and accentuating her long legs. The dress was held up by thin straps and fell down right above her knees.

“You look amazing.” B says. “Kai is going to love this.”

“Yes. Absolutely yes.” Ryujin says, howling with approval. “Damn, I wish I could pull off a slip dress. It’s like the right amount of chic and sexy.”

“Ryujin, please, you’d slay anything you wear.” Yuna says, blushing from their compliments.

“Easy for you to say, I’ve got man shoulders and thick thighs. Not exactly the right body fit for a dress.” Ryujin groans.

“Don’t say that!” B says. “You look good no matter what you wear!”

“Ha, and now you know how I feel about you saying the same thing.” Ryujin says, referring to their conversation earlier. “Let’s just agree that we’re all gorgeous and that we’re all gonna rock whatever dresses we buy today, alright?”

B giggles, realizing how Ryujin had cleverly turned the tables on her. “Alright. But Yuna, you definitely have to get that dress. It’s perfect.”

“Only if you get that gorgeous blue dress you tried on earlier.” Yuna sing songs. “The one with the slit. I can’t believe you didn’t get it right then and there. You looked amazing! Like the Greek goddess of the sea or something.”

“Yuna, the Greek god of the sea is Poseidon.” Ryujin informs her.

Yuna simply shrugs and cheekily says “God is a woman.” before turning back to her reflection in the fitting room.

B laughs. “Fine fine, after you buy that dress, let’s go back to the previous store and I’ll buy the blue dress. I guess it was perfect. The only thing I didn’t like about it was that I couldn’t unzip it on my own. My arms couldn’t reach the zipper.” B huffs.

“That won’t be a problem when you wear it for the Fall Ball since you’ll have Yeonjun to unzip it for you.” Ryujin says teasingly.

B blushes bright red. “Ryu! Don’t say that in front of our baby.” she shushes, motioning to Yuna, who was too busy twirling around and admiring her dress in the mirror to notice what the 2 girls were talking about. “We agreed to keep our discussions PG in front of her.”

“Don’t worry, when you put her in front of a mirror, she could stare at herself for hours.” Ryujin says dismissively. “Also, yes we did, but things between you and Yeonjun definitely aren’t PG anymore.”

It was true. Over the past few weeks, things with Yeonjun had advanced faster than she realized. They quickly went from kissing and caressing to, well, let’s just say that the kisses have gone below the neck and that the caresses have gone under their clothes.

B’s cheeks burn even hotter as the non-PG moments she shared with Yeonjun began to play in her mind. “I—well, yeah, but we shouldn’t be talking about it in front of Yuna.” B says, trying to steer away from the conversation.

Ryujin decides to steer them away from Yuna instead, leading B out of the fitting rooms and back into the racks of dresses, out of earshot. “Okay, now that Yuna’s out of the way, I want to talk to you about this.” she says, trying to maintain eye contact with B. “I know things with Yeonjun have been going great, and although I have an idea of just how far things between you two have gone, there’s just something I wanna say.”

“Alright then, what is it?” B asks, ready to hear whatever sex advice Ryujin would tell her.

“I just want to say, be careful. Your first time should be special, with someone special, and if you decide that going all the way with Yeonjun on the night of the Fall Ball will be the way to do it, then I’m 100% routing for you. But I just want to make sure that you’re 100% sure about it too.” Ryujin says, completely sincere. “And you don’t have to tell me whether or not you decide to do it, you don’t have to let me know because that’s between you and Yeonjun, but I want you to know that I’m always here if you want or need someone to talk to about it, okay?”

B blinks a couple of times, surprised by Ryujin’s sudden advice. She always pegged Ryujin to be the supportive friend who’d bring out the inner hoe goddess in her, but seeing how genuine and concerned she was made B feel a newfound fondness for her.

“Aw, Ryu, you’re so sweet.” B says, unable to stop herself from wrapping her arms around her friend. “Thank you. I promise, I’ll only do it when I’m 100% sure and ready. And I promise I’ll let you be the first to know all about it, not because I feel the need to, but because I want to.” B says, winking.

Ryujin chuckles. “Alright, but I don’t want to hear any gorey details.” she says. “Now, let’s pull Yuna out of the dressing room and to the cashier so we can buy our dresses and get the hell out of here.”

•°•

1 week before…

“Soobin! Soobinie! Hey!”

Soobin turns to look back, stopping his tracks in the middle of the hallway. He was on his way to meet up with his friends at their gazebo for lunch when a familiar voice called out his name in the hallway.

As he turns around, he’s surprised to find his cousin, Choi Arin, waving at him. He smiled and waved back, not noticing that she had a friend with her. He stays still as the 2 girls approach him. “Arin, hey, what’s up?” he asks politely. Even though he and Arin were cousins and grew up seeing each other on family occasions, he never seemed to see her around MOA. They never shared any classes together, they didn’t have any mutual extracurricular interests, and they had completely different social circles. Arin’s friend group consisted solely of girls, and until recently, Soobin’s friend group was composed of all boys. He had mentioned before that he had a cousin who studied at MOA, but he never really got the chance to introduce her to any of his friends.

“What’s up? I feel like I haven’t see you in forever!” Arin says, playfully hitting his arm. “I guess Mr. Student Council President is too busy to check up on his cousin?”

“Ah, I’m really sorry I haven’t been able to see you around campus lately. Senior has been hectic, especially these past few weeks with the Fall Ball coming up.” Soobin says apologetically. “I promise, when the whole Fall Ball thing is over, we’ll hang out, alright?” he offers.

Arin laughs lightheartedly. “Lighten up Soobin, I was just teasing! I do miss seeing you around though, and maybe we could hang out even earlier? Say, the night of the Fall Ball? I have you don’t have a date yet, is it true?”

Soobin rubs the back of his neck, flustered at the topic of his date, or lack thereof. “Um, yeah, no date for me, but it’s completely fine with me. I didn’t really have anyone I wanted to ask to the Fall Ball anyway.”

“Oh is that so?” Arin says mischievously. It’s only then when she steps aside and pulls her friend forward, introducing her to Soobin. “Soobin, this is my friend Yiren. She also does not have a date to the Fall Ball.”

Ah, so this was where this was going.

“Hello, Yiren, it’s nice to meet you.” Soobin says politely, putting on a charming smile. Yiren blushes visibly and says hi back.

“Now Soobin, I was wondering if you could help my friend Yiren here about her dateless situation?” Arin says, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively. Soobin knew that she wanted him to ask Yiren to the dance now, but he didn’t have the heart to force himself to go to the dance with someone he didn’t know. It wouldn’t be fair to Yiren to spend her evening with someone who was too busy wishing they were dancing with someone else to even pay attention to her.

Instead, Soobin quickly scans the hallway for any familiar face, until he spots one. “Oh, Jangun!” he says, spotting the boy walking out from one of the classrooms along the hall. “Jangjun, come here!” Soobin calls, motioning him over. When the boy notices Soobin calling him over, his face lights up and he waves back, quickly making his way to meet them.

“Soobin, hey!” Jangjun says excitedly. “You called me over?” Soobin had always thought that Jangjun was a nice guy, he was one of the students at campus that Soobin considered as his friend outside of his friend group. Jangjun was always willing to help in any way he could, and boy could Soobin sure use his help now.

“Jangjun, yeah, I just wanted to know if you have any plans for the Fall Ball. You taking anyone?” Soobin asks.

“Oh, no, sadly I was too busy dealing with some family business these past few weeks. I didn’t notice that the Fall Ball was getting closer until it was too late. It’s 1 week away and I still don’t have a date, so I thought it seemed hopeless to try to look for one now.” Jangjun admits, genuinely bummed out.

Soobin deliberately lightens up, straightening out his posture and tilting his head up, as if he was hit by a stroke of genius. “Ah, it’s never too late! Jangjun, this is my cousin’s friend. Her name is Yiren, and my dearest cousin Arin has just informed me that she doesn’t have a date yet either.” he says, stepping aside as he introduces the two to each other.

“Yiren, yes hi, I’ve seen you around. I think we had Biology together last year.” Jangjun says, smiling brightly at her. “I’m Jangjun, nice to meet you.”

Yiren smiles shyly at him. “Hi Jangjun, I’m Yiren. It’s nice to meet you too.”

“Well, it looks like we’re being set up here.” Jangjun says lightheartedly, laughing nervously. “I don’t mean to be too straightforward, but is there any chance you’d like to go to the Fall Ball with me?”

Yiren’s face lights up as she smiles at him and nods. “Yes, I’d really like that.”

“Great! Uh, can I have your phone number? And let me know your social media accounts too so I can add and follow you.” Jangjun says, enthusiastically giving her his phone.

As the pair walk off and get to know each other, Arin turns to glare at Soobin.

“You know I was trying to pair you and Yerin together, right?” she huffs.

“Yes, I could tell, I’m not that stupid you know.” Soobin chuckles. “Sorry cous, I just really don’t want to ask anyone to the dance. I’ll be too busy making sure that nothing goes wrong to even entertain a date anyway.”

“Oh, Soobinie, when will you learn to put yourself first.” Arin says, shaking her head. “Well, although my plan to set you up with Yerin failed, at least she got a date out of it anyway.” she says, amused as she watches her friend giggle at her newfound date.

“Don’t get me wrong, she seems like a great girl, I just… I’m not interested in taking anyway to the dance.” Soobin says. “Speaking of, who’s your date to the Fall Ball?”

Arin smiles with a glint in her eyes. “Hwang Hyunjin.”

“Wow, Hyunjin?” Soobin says, impressed. “Great catch, cousin. I’m sure you’ll enjoy your evening.” he says, knowing that Hyunjin was one of the more popular guys in their grade, and that he was always great company judging by the amount of people he was constantly surrounded with.

“Thanks, cous. I was thinking of asking you to introduce me to your student council buddies since I’ve been dying to meet them since you became president, but then Hyunjin asked me and that was that.” Arin says.

“Ah, really? Sorry, I can’t believe I haven’t introduced you to my friends yet. They’re all unavailable though so even if I had introduced you to them, you wouldn’t have gotten a date out of it.” Soobin laughs, making Arin snort. “But I’ll introduce you to them soon, I promise.”

Arin sighs. “It’s fine, Soobin. Just make sure you come find me at the Fall Ball and say hi, alright? I’m sure you’ll have the time to do it, since you won’t be glued to a date all night.” she says, playfully pinching his cheeks before walking away.

•°•

4 days before…

“The more I think about it, the more it hurts. I don’t know what to do, Binnie. I just wanted to get away.”

She moves closer to him, her ass sliding against the cold hard floor, closing the gap between them as she leans her head on his shoulder. She feels him go still for a moment, before he takes a deep breath, her head rising and falling along with his shoulders as he does so, as he takes one of her hands in his and starts to trace gentle circles on her skin.

He speaks, and she sees his mouth moving, but no sound seems to come out, the words lodged deep down in her memory.

When he finishes speaking, she sighs and says “Maybe it should’ve been you, Soobin.”

B wakes with a start, her whole body visibly tensing up as her eyes fly open. She instantly lifts her head up and sees both Yeonjun and Soobin looking at her with concern.

“Baby? Are you okay? Did you have a bad dream?” Yeonjun asks, putting his hand on top of hers. She looks around and realises that she had fallen asleep during class, Creative writing, their last period for the day.

B squeezes her eyes shut before she lets them meet his. “Yeah, a bad dream I guess.” she says. “Don’t worry about it. I shouldn’t have fallen asleep in class in the first place.”

Yeonjun smiles at her fondly. “Sir Kim’s just letting us discuss ideas for our projects, and since my partner’s not here, I’m hanging around with you and Soobin.” he says, and that’s when she remembers that Soobin was seated next to her on the other side.

She turns to him, unable to meet his gaze just yet, still confused by the dream she just had.

“B? Got any ideas you wanna share?” he asks, his dimple popping out as he gives her a small smile. “It’s alright if you don’t, you can just sleep if you want. I’m sure we’ll come up with something.”

What was up with her dream? And why did it feel so real? She remembers the feeling of his hand on hers, of his thumb tracing circles along the surface of her skin, she felt is as clear as day now.

“Maybe it should’ve been you, Soobin.”

Why would she tell him that in her dream? Was it possible that she had some underlying feelings for him? What should’ve been him? What was her subconscious mind trying to tell her?

“B?” he asks again, his smile faltering.

She finally meets his gaze then, and she plasters on a smile. “No, I shouldn’t sleep in class. I guess we’ll just go along with what we’ve been doing so far. We can just take random pictures of each other whenever we hang out and make stories out of them in our posts.”

Soobin nods. “That’s what I was thinking. It shouldn’t be too hard since we’re stuck with this until the end of the term.”

“Yeah, it’ll be a breeze.” she says, feigning positivity. The truth was, the dream she just had was worrying her and was very confusing.

Why would she and Soobin be in that position? Why would she say that to Soobin? She knew it was just a dream and probably just her subconscious mind making up scenarios, but why did it feel so real?

•°•

1 day before…

It was Friday night, the night before the Fall Ball, yet B still couldn’t get the strange dream with Soobin out of her head.

It constantly replayed in her head, like a broken film reel, and the more it played, the clearer the picture became.

Although some parts were still hazy and some words still came to her memory as muffled sounds, she was able to discern that she and Soobin were alone in a small space, that they were sitting on the floor together, that she was wearing the dress she wore the night of Yeonjun’s birthday party, that she was very very drunk, and that she was crying.

Now her main question was why.

Why was she alone in a small space, sitting on the floor on the night of Yeonjun’s party, very very drunk and crying…

...with Soobin?

Letting her curiosity get the best of her, B decides to send Soobin a text, wanting answers once and for all.

Upon seeing her final question, Soobin froze. He could feel himself start to sweat as he contemplated what he should do next. Although B’s recollection of the night of Yeonjun’s birthday party was clearing, it was still painfully clear that she had no clue about Yeonjun locking lips with Rose later that evening. What Soobin didn’t know was if Yeonjun’s recollection of that evening was coming to him as well.

Soobin found himself facing the very dilemma he wanted to avoid.

Should he tell B the truth, the whole truth about what else he saw that night? Or should he lie and let Yeonjun deal with the problem of telling B about the kiss?

Soobin had a method of dealing with such dilemnas. He simply closed his eyes, took 3 deep breaths, and made a decision.

He typed out his reply and hit send before he could second guess his decision.

His heart ached as he realized that he had just lied to B, but he knew it was the right, or rather the less evil, choice. She didn’t need to know that he had practically confessed to having feelings for her that night, nor did she need to know that she had wondered out loud about the what ifs between she and him. He didn’t mean keeping those parts of the night in the dark.

But what he truly felt awful about was the one thing he witnessed that he didn’t have the authority to tell her. As he texted B goodbye and wished her a good night, he quickly sent a text to one more person.

[haikyuu-philia]

your kageyama fluff was really epic!! i loved it. could you pls write some kageyama angst? (fem for pronouns) thanks!

I’m extremely happy that you liked my Kageyama fluff! Thank you, Anon <3 Believe it or not, but I have never written angst before. Especially not for my precious Haikyuu!! boys. So this oneshot is a first attempt of doing that!

Enjoy (^o^)

-----

Broken Brilliance | Kageyama x Reader

(963 words)

-----

You couldn’t tell how many times you had tried to reach him with your phone. It might have been your hundredth attempt now. All you wanted was to hear his voice.

The same voice that had told you „I’ll be home late because we are going to a practice match.“ in the morning. 

While you were rushing through the white hallways looking for the specific counter, you hold back your tears with all the power that was left in your body. So many people had texted you to ask whether he was fine or not.

But you didn’t know. You simply didn’t know it yourself. And it made you go crazy.

Whenever you lost control of your thoughts the flashbacks of the pictures that had been on the news hit you. 

The bus laying on the side. Pieces of what had formerly been windows everywhere. Paramedics running around hectically. 

All your hopes were shattered as the newsreader announced: „Japan’s National Volleyball Team was involved in a horrific car accident. No officials confirmed it so far, but it must be feared that people died today.“

This headline went viral only a few minutes later and could be found everywhere on the internet. In the meantime you got a call to come to the hospital. 

That was all the information you had received.

As you turned around the corner you finally met some familiar faces, which caused you to run towards them. Seeing the three of them sitting here with seemingly minor injuries filled you with relief and even more worries.

Because he wasn’t with them.

„Oikawa! Iwaizumi! Nishinoya!“ You stopped next to them. „Are you alright?“

After your fiancee had entered the National Team, all of his teammates became like a second family for you. So you immediately knew that something was off as your glance met their empty eyes.

Their uniforms were stained with blood and dirt, bandages covered some parts of their bodies, they looked as pale as white chalk. 

Instantly your breath accelerated: „Wha-What happened?“ 

You weren’t sure whether they had heard your thin voice or not.

„We don’t really know what happened. The driver had to pull aside out of a sudden and the bus tipped over as a result of that,“ Iwaizumi finally started to explain. 

Only the thought of that scenario made a shiver run down your spine. It had looked horrible on the news, but it sounded even worse coming from someone that had been involved.

Oikawa supported his casted arm with the other unharmed one as he continued: „Compared to some of our teammates we are fine. I guess, you are looking for Tobio.“

The setter had to swallow, what cut him off before going on with his words. The expression in his eyes, how he avoided to look into your face... 

Oh god, please don’t do this to me. I’m begging you. Please don’t take him away from me.

As silence came up you knew that the events must have been even more shocking than in your worst imaginations. Especially since Nishinoya hadn’t said a word so far. 

Every inch of your body cramped while you tried to control your breath and gave it your best not to faint right on the spot. Pictures of your fiancee leaving the house this morning popped up in your head.

Why didn’t you stop him? 

Why did you let him go?

Why didn’t you tell him how much you loved him one more time?

A surprisingly warm hand grabbed yours, which pulled you back into reality.

„(Y/N)? Room 514. Kageyama is alive. But-“ It was Iwaizumi’s turn to take a deep breath. „The doctor said he might not be able to walk again.“

After more or less whispering a rushed thank you, your feet carried you to the mentioned room. To you it didn’t matter how much noise you caused as long as your were able to see him. 

Nearly slamming the door against the wall you flounced into the room to make your way to the only bed that was surrounded by a couple of machines. 

You teared up as Tobio slowly turned his head into your direction, being in the same state like his teammates in the hallway. But you didn’t care. You absolutely didn’t care.

No words came out of your mouth, before you sat down next to him, simply holding his hand. A small smile appeared on your face as a contrast to your teary eyes.

„The doctor said my spine got have gotten injured, (Y/N).“

You nodded. 

„They will check it within the next days.“

Another nod from your side.

„I might not be able to walk again.“

His hand grabbed yours a little tighter.

„I-I can’t feel my legs, (Y/N).“ You could hear his voice breaking.

„How am I supposed to play volleyball like that?!“

Seeing him clenching his teeth made your heart break. But you had felt much worse pain today.

So you stood up, rested your hands at your fiancee’s shoulder and his head to pull him into a careful hug. Holding him like this brought back all the fears you had gone through until a few minutes ago. 

As Tobio sunk into your upper body you could feel him shaking every time he let out a sob. In that moment you weren’t able to suppress your own tears anymore. 

After placing your forehead at the top of his head you spoke under your breath: „Sssssh, I’m here and I won’t leave you. You are alive, that’s the most important thing.“

Horrible occurrences had happened in the past hours. Occurrences that couldn’t be described with words. 

But together with you, he would figure out a way to deal with it. And to honour the legacy of those that died today.

-----

For everyone that would have preferred a more angsty story: I’m really sorry, but I couldn't kill our beloved blueberry! 

For today I needed at least half of a happy end (>.<)

[whtaft]

Honestly??? I’ve been doing small creative writing exercises, and I wanted to try and start writing an actual story, but I keep getting discouraged? Like, I see all the amazing writers and I’m automatically like “I can’t do this??” Because I’m shit in comparison?? Pls, any advice? (Also ily thanks in advance❤️💞💓)

So, you came to the right person when it comes to combatingself-doubt in writing, because I am just about the least-confident person Iknow, and I am incredibly self-conscious about my writing! To be honest, I’msuper glad that I started writing before I became part of a fandom because Ithink that it is probably really intimidating to dive in now, when there’s alot of really great stuff already out there. But the fact is that there’salways room for more: more voices, more interpretations, more stories. Thatincludes yours.

So this got kind of long, but basically this is mambo’sunpatented advice on how to write despite crippling self-doubt. These arethings I try to practice myself (to varying degrees of success).

Make writing habitual

Practice

Try writing every day, even when you don’t wantto, even when it’s hard, even when you don’t have time. Don’t make unreasonabledemands on yourself (because we all need a break sometimes) but if you make writinga habit then you’ll improve. It’s as simple as that. (Though, don’t expect towrite 3000 words and you’re suddenly Tolstoy. You need to write a lot. A LOT.)

Set goals that are in your control

Setting goals is a great way to get yourself to dosomething. For me, I try to write 1000 or 500 or 300 words a day, depending onmy life/schedule. I track the numbers so I can see my progress over time, whichI find to be really motivating. If word count isn’t your thing, find somethingthat is. You wanna post one chapter a week, or you want to finish one scene aday… Just find the thing that’ll keep you chugging out your writing.

That being said, make sure that your goals aresomething you control. Don’t make things like number of hits or comments ornotes or kudos a goal, because you can’t control what other people do. Don’tput your motivation in the hands of strangers. That’ll only discourage you fromwriting when you don’t hit those goals.

Process

These are things that help me through difficulttimes in my writing process, so they may or may not work for you, but I’vefound them helpful.

Get a hype person

I have a friend (s/o @hakunahistata) who I go towhen I’m feeling discouraged about my writing or confused or whatever. Shereads my stuff, gives me some opinions, and usually tells me that what I’mwriting is much better than I think it is and that I need to chill. I’m someonewho naturally doesn’t want to share unfinished things with people, so it’s veryvulnerable to give an unfinished product to someone else. But I’ve found thatit’s really affirming and nice to have someone you trust who will work thingsout with you when you’re feeling down!

Don’t edit as you go

Nothing bogs me down as much as editing as I gowhen I’m writing something. I try my best to just plug along, get as much as Ican onto the page, and save editing (whether that’s for spelling or plotreasons) until after I have a completed work. Then you go back having alreadyaccomplished a complete draft and you can edit knowing ‘oh I want to add someforeshadowing in here’ or ‘this doesn’t really work with what I did later’. Itjust gives you an overall better sense of what the fic is and where you want togo and doesn’t leave as much room for self-doubt as you go along.

When in doubt, just write dialog                

I don’t know about other people, but I findwriting dialog far more enjoyable than any other part of the writing process.So when I’m stuck in a scene and don’t know where I want it to go, I just writedialog and ignore everything else. Then I can go back later and add in movementand commentary, etc.

Have multiple things going on

At any given time, I have between two and seven “long”WIPs that I’m working on. I get frustrated with one? I work on another. I getfrustrated with two? I work on a third. It makes me slow down on all of my works,and allows me to return to them with fresh eyes and ideas. It also means that Idon’t pressure myself to work on things I don’t want to work on (unless it’sfor a fandom event). If something stops being fun, I move on. No harm, no foul.

I also do the short Tumblr prompts for the samereason. They’re little writing exercises (like you do!) that let me explorethings in a low-pressure, short-term way. They’re also just fun to write!

Fandom

So, this is less ‘advice from someone who knowswhat they’re doing’ and more ‘stuff that I, personally, struggle with but tryto practice but not always’. Just know that you’re not alone in feelingself-doubt when it comes to fandom and comparison. It’s something that a lot ofpeople struggle with, myself included.

There is a place for your work

As I said before, there is room for everyone.Don’t sell yourself short by thinking that since there are already many storiesout there, you can’t include yours. You have a unique perspective, stories totell, and a desire to share. That in of itself is important and get you far!

Try, try, try, try, try, try, try not to compareyourself to others

This is the big one and the hardest one. It’seasy to compare yourself to others when there are so many talented people whoparticipate in fandom. Try not to. Enjoy the work of people you appreciate, butunderstand that they have their own voice and that doesn’t take away fromyours. Just try to appreciate that they’re putting themselves out there and arejust hoping for the best in the same way you are. Learn from them, but don’tcompare yourself. This’ll just put undue pressure on yourself in an alreadyvulnerable position.

Don’t talk shit about yourself

I’m so guilty of this, but try not to talk shitabout yourself. Even if you’re joking, every time you say “I’m such a badwriter” it reinforces that notion just a little bit more in your mind. Try yourbest to turn things around from “I’m not as good as they are” to “I writethings differently than they do, and that’s okay”; or, “this fic sucks” to “thisfic is a first draft and there are a lot of good ideas there, but I need topolish up some of the writing and clean up some plot holes”.

Play to your strengths

I know I have a niche in fandom. I write fluffy,cute AUs that will (hopefully) make people happy. Would I like to write 250,000word long epic alternative-canon fics that fix everything wrong with canon andinclude large-scale fights and medical scenes? Yes. Of course I would! Thosestories are awesome. But will I? Probably not. Don’t not challenge yourself,but also… just understand who you are, what you want to write, and understandthe importance of having your story out there. It’ll find an audience. Don’t beatyourself up for writing the ‘wrong’ kind of fic, or for writing fic that’s too ‘insert-adjective-here’.Your story will find its audience and mean something to them. What’s mostimportant is that you enjoyed writing it and the story means something to you.

Don’t put your happiness in other people’s hands

This goes back to numbers again. It’s easy toquantify success in fandom based on hits, kudos, notes, and comments. There areso many factors that are out of your control here and it can drive you crazy.This is why I’ve wanted to stop writing fics several times and it’s probablywhat I (a person cursed with being both incredibly sensitive and naturallycompetitive) struggle with the most here. I don’t have great advice for notdoing it, but I can tell you from firsthand experience that it’s not healthy. Tryyour best to ignore the numbers and to appreciate every good thing that comesyour way.

Celebrate your victories

When you reach a goal, celebrate. When you getover a hurdle that you’ve been struggling with, celebrate. When someone tellsyou that your writing touched them, celebrate. Writing can be really tough,isolating, and discouraging. Make sure that you take time to be proud of whatyou’re doing. Even if you don’t share it, even if you don’t reach your goals,know that what you’re doing is making you a stronger writer and that, at theend of the day, you’re doing it for yourself.

To write and to share work with people puts you in a reallyvulnerable position. I’m proud of you for starting and I’m proud of you fortrying. And I’m sorry I wrote 1,500 words about this. I’m just sensitive andhave a lot of feelings on this topic. This is actually a trimmed-down versionof this essay. You’re welcome for not including the rest.