#please stop making me cry duffel bags I can’t do this anymore

[catwouthats]

Why Mike Wheeler jumping off the cliff was a suicide attempt.

Because I feel it it’s talked about in depth enough.

Depression is a range. Some people don't know their emotions. Don't think they are depressed (usually kids since they don’t usually know what depressed is. They don’t have the exact words for it). But they can still self harm through actions and idolizing their own death.

There are many different levels of depression and terms, which I might mention another time but for this one you only have to know one term

suicidal ideation:

“a broad term used to describe a range of contemplations, wishes, and preoccupations with death and suicide.” -National Library of Medicine (Suicidal Ideation)

So the cliff scene (season 1 chapter 6, The Monster).

In this scene Troy threatens to cut out Dustin’s teeth of Mike doesn’t jump. And as Hopper said earlier in the show, a jump from that height -even if there is water below- would kill you. Any mentally stable person would NOT die, they would FIGHT or GO GET HELP until their friend is safe. Jumping off that cliff was running away, he was leaving Dustin with his aggressor. It WAS NEVER A GOOD IDEA. It was an excuse to die. He would get away with dying as a hero to his friends and that was enough for him. He would be gone and they wouldn't blame themselves he thinks.

And as for the hesitation Mike has and the sighs. Notice how timed it is. He is using Troy’s count-down-bluff to prepare himself for what his about to do. He literally jumps on/after 1. Suicide is usually an anxiety inducing event for people trying as there is a lot of uncertainty, so they help themselves through the anxiety. Talking, deep breathes.. counting.

“Counting can relax you because it gives you something to focus on besides your anxiety” -Healthline (Anxiety Exercises to Help You Relax)

so he walks off the cliff casually. He doesn’t try to prepare himself for the water, doesn’t hold his breath, doesn’t try to pencil dive to lessen the harm. He probably thought he was going to heaven when he was being lifted up by El at first. “Did I die already?” But being thrown back on the ground shook him. Probably enough to help him realize how much everything (his parents, Will’s fake death, the bullying, etc.) has gotten to him.

Symbolism to note:

The episode is called The Monster. This is probably not just because the demogorgan almost got Nancy, but also because El and Mike feel like Monsters in society (which is brought to the front in this episode).

When Mike is brought back up, he is hanging upside down. This show’s it is just as serious as the supernatural dangers they face. He is in just as much danger as Will in that moment.

These scenes start at the same time so I synced them up (around 39:22) and I think we can drawn symbolism from it for more of an explanation about the cliff moment:

In The Body, Will’s friend’s and his mom are trying to reach out to him. In The Monster Mike’s friends reach out to him and although his mom isn’t there, we know he mom is very supportive of him and trying to help him get through this low. She lets him stay home from school and has talks with him. Although they technically did save Mike in The Monster, he is only just alive. He is still depressed just as Will was still stuck in the upside down in The Body. But they both have something greater than hope, they have people who love them and are willing to fight for them. *************************************************(This also could possibly imply that Wills was at the cliff in the upside down and trying to reach out to Mike in his own “why can’t he hear me” moment. Because as we see in season 4, you can hear whispers of the regular world in the upside down. But they can’t hear you unless you or someone else can manipulate technology that can make noise like a radio.)

That is all for now, but I will probably make more posts talking about the progression of Mike’s depression and possible causes.

[benthebeloved]

“See you then,” he echoes, walking Juliet to the ship and carefully taking off with Juliet just a minute later.

I burst into tears the moment I can’t see his ship anymore, sitting down on my porch to cry.

When they let up some, I move back into my packed up house and grab my two duffel bags before heading outside to my stashed ship in the mountains.

I take a long moment to stare at the Alderaanian mountains, saying goodbye, and then take off.

It’s a one day flight to where I’m going, but because of the amount of times I’ve stopped to change ships, it takes two. By the time I get to my new place of residence, it’s night time on the second day.

I left Obi-Wan a note on my front door for when he comes back to drop off the baby,

Ben,

I think we both know that it’s better this way. It was only inevitable.

I am sorry to have lied to you for as long as I did, but I am not sorry for the happiness it brought me.

Please take care of my baby girl. She deserves the life in the Temple surrounded by love. I am so happy she gets to have that. Please watch out for my boys, too. Make sure they don’t get too hurt. Tell them I’m sorry.

I left three boxes of Juliet’s things in the living room, for you to take to the Temple. It should be enough to get her through babyhood. Please post a few photos of her on your social media so that I can see? I want to see how beautiful she is as she grows up.

With the clones de-chipped, there are not enough Sith to wipe out your Order. They are safe. Even though my Master is a powerful man, the most he could ever do is hurt a few Jedi. Not your whole people. I wish them the best, and just know my Master likely only has 100-200 years left in him. He is ancient already.

I will miss you and love you for millennia. I am certain of this. And I’ll never stop being sorry,

Yours,

Lilium (formally, Darth)

[iwadori]

When they neglect you for another girl Part 4 (Sakusa)

Part One Part Two Part Three Part Four Part Five

Word Count: 2.6K

Genre: Angst to Fluff

masterlist

AN: YES I DID PUT MYSELF IN THIS STORY! SUE ME. This is basically inspired by a random conversation i had w the great @teesumu, so this is basically for you doll <3

Sakusa:

You and Sakusa have been together for a around 10 years and love eachother immensly.    

However recently Sakusa has been busy and you havent really had much time together lately as he claims been busy doing loads of visits with his new agent.

But of course, being the loving partner you are you wanted to revive the spark in your relationship.

You have been seeing a lot of people on social media posting their aesthetic ‘picnic dates,’ and you knew that this was something that appealed to you before it was ‘on trend.’ Kiyoomi immediately came to your mind once you had the idea of going on a date. You knew that you haven’t be around each other lately, as Kiyoomi always had either a ‘meeting’ or some sort of ‘interview’ that his new agent “Empress” has set up for him.

You didn’t really know Empress that well, just that she was ‘good at her job,’ a ‘hard and dilligent worker,’ and a ‘raging hottie’ with Atsumu’s opinion being the last one. You weren’t suspecting her to have any malicious intent towards you or Kiyoomi, since you knew that he had a great judge of character. But it was just odd, that every time Kiyoomi was running late or having ‘super-secret’ conversations on the phone it was always because ‘my agent set up this,’ ‘my agent set up that,’ and that’s what left you a bit wary.

As you were scrolling through your phone you see a calendar updating saying : Next Week‘ A DECADE AGO WE FELL IN LOVE.’  

10 years. How could you forget? You and Omi have literally been together for a decade. You think back to the decade of madness and love you’ve been through together, smiling fondly to yourself but then you think about where you are now... barely even talking to each other, only mainly seeing him when he comes home from work.

You need to fix this. Or at least make an attempt to get you and Kiyoomi talking again. So, the only thing you can do, is plan that picnic.

You spent the rest of the day planning your anniversary picnic. ’It’s going to be great,’ you think to yourself, you have a list of all Omi’s favorite foods you're going to make him and bring and you are probably going to pick up a few board games and maybe even get some paint supplies. You and Kiyoomi used to paint a lot together, with the two of you not being the best of painters, but you enjoyed eachothers company non the less.  

Everything was sorted...for the most part. All you needed to do was get Omi there, and it’ll all be okay. Right? As you were bubbling and looking for more picnic inspo, you hear your front door open which made you even more excited to tell your boyfriend your plans.  

As you rush to go greet him, you see he’s on the phone making you roll your eyes. “No Empress it won’t work, we need this sorted by next week. Okay? Next week.” he says in an agitated way. He hangs up the phone and sighs, shoving off his duffel bag.

“Hey Omi, how was your day?” you say a bit hesitant, noticing his annoyed mood.  

“Fine” He said dismissively, aiming to walk past you aiming for your bedroom.

“Oh well I have something amazing planned for ne-” you try to say following after him.

“Can we not do this right now Y/N,” he says again turning too look at you making you frown a bit, all you wanted to do is surprise him with your plans and have a day out with him. After noticing your sad look he finishes with “it’s just that Empress she’s bee-”

“I don’t want to hear about her.” you say bitterly folding your arms, Empress is the last person you want to hear about right now “God Omi can’t you just care about me? For once.”

“I do I-”

“You don’t anymore,” you say, with all the emotions and feelings you’ve been just supressing from a while coming up. You don’t even know how you got from point A to B with this conversation, but there's no stopping now. “I feel that, for a while now we haven’t been how we were before when we were just Y/N and Kiyoomi. Instead of how we are now. Just Y/N. Then Kiyoomi and Empress.”

After hearing his agents name, Kiyoomi’s name contorts to confusion “Empress? What does she have to do with anything?”

“How can you not see? For the past month all it’s been is ‘Empress this’ ‘Empress that,’” you complain “Having your super secret conversations with her, like god Kiyoomi can’t you see a problem with this?”  

“It’s not like that Y/N, we’re just work partners” he says looking a bit annoyed “Just business.”

 “Just business? So Kiyoomi, what were you talking about on the phone earlier” you say with your voice slight accusingly.

“Umm I, I can’t really say?” he says more of a question then a fully assured statement. You squint your eyes at him and scoff.

“What is going on with you Omi?” you say “are you cheating on me with her is that it?”

“No, no of course not Y/N! How could you even ask that?” he frowned at your question making your chest hurt, since deep down you knew he could never do that to you. Could he?

“Well tell me then, what were you talking about?” you ask again.

“I can’t say..” he finishes  

“Well I can’t stay.” you say and his face goes back to confusion “Here. With you.”

“What do you mean Y/-”

“I need a break or something. I just can’t be here right now.” You start to rush and pack a big of things whilst Kiyoomi just stands there.

After you pack up your stuff, you look back and see Kiyoomi just there. Standing. You were upset, you kind of wanted him to rush after you and beg you not to leave, but he was just there. Standing. So you put the hand on the door and just before you leave you turn back and say “bye Sakusa, see you later?” to which you see him slightly nod at.

When the door shut, Kiyoomi starts to cry. After hearing you call him by his last name really twisted the knife that was already in his heart. You haven’t called him that since you were like 15. He knew what you wanted; he knew you wanted him to rush towards you and beg you not to leave, but he didn’t. He couldn’t. But what he could do is call the one person he only could call.

After a few rings, he hears “What do you need Saku?”  

“She’s gone, she left.”

“What do you mean she’s gone, did you tell her?”  

“No I didn’t tell her. And that’s the problem, Empress she think-”

“Saku, don’t worry about it. I’ll handle it.”

“You’ll handle it?”

“Don’t I always?”

He couldn’t argue with that, he just had to trust that Empress could sort it. “And also, don’t spend the week with your head up your ass crying, you’ve got a lot of grovelling to do kiddo.”

He nodded even though she couldn’t see him, as he knew that what just went down needed to be resolved, fast.

Meanwhile, on your end. You’re a mess. Sobbing all the time, tissues are your best friend, you’ve been waiting just waiting for a message or a call, or some form of communication. You just wanted to feel wanted by your boyfriend (can you even call him that now.)  

You spent the rest of the week at your parents, immersing yourself in your work and doing ‘self care’ things, trying to forget all about the argument you and Kiyoomi had.  

One day, you receive a letter, it wasn’t delivered by a mail man though. It was slid under your door, in a golden envelope sealed with a red hot wax seal. It read:

‘Dear Y/N,

My sweetheart, im sorry for how the week has been and I know a letter with only a fraction of how I feel won’t make up for how I acted that day. But im inviting you to join me at the Gardenia Botanical Gardens at 2 pm tommorow, to celebrate our 10 year anniversary.  

I know there is a big chance, you may not want to see me and I understand but please. I love you, so so much, that words can’t even describe. But I need you to see me apologise and I need to make it up to you.  

I hope to see you there, I’d wait the whole day for you. If you don’t show, I understand.

Sincerely, Sakusa Kiyoomi

P.S The theme is ‘summer hot day, tea with the queen’ - Atsumu’

You smile at the letter, but wonder if you should actually go or not. You did want to see him of course and get this all resolved, but you had your own plans for your anniversary which wouldn’t of been spoiled if he didn’t withhold his super-secret phone calls.

It took you hours to contemplate on what to do, but you decided to just sleep on it and see how you feel tomorrow. In the morning, you knew what you wanted to do. Of course, you had to go, at least to hear him out and see if he really did cheat on you or not. For all you know he’s inviting you to tell you that he’s going to run away with his agent and his secret kids they had together. You shook the negative thoughts from your head and just repeated your mantra ‘hope for the best and prepare for the worst.’

When you got there, you didn’t exactly know where he would be but he said ‘botanical gardens’ so of course you decided to just wander around there. It was nice walking around and just smelling the roses, and seeing the pretty scenery.  

“Excuse me ma’am,” you hear someone say tugging on your leg “um that mister over there told me to give you these.” Looking down, you see a small boy who looked about the age of four with a crumpled up bunch of roses handing them to you.

“Oh thank you,” you say giving the kid a head pat “where is this ‘mister’ might I ask?”

“He’s over there!” The kid pointed behind him and you look to see Kiyoomi sitting under a white gazebo which is surrounded in your favorite flowers and the table is filled with food.

You walk over to your ‘boyfriend,’ with him not noticing your present yet. When you reach him you say “I think she stood you up buddy,” you joke making him jump abit startled.

“Y/N!” he exclaimed, instantly beaming “You came you made it!” he stood up and pulled you into a hug, which you return before you remember why you came here in the first place.

“Oh I-” he says awkwardly

You decide to sit down pulling him down with you. You kind of sit there in uncomfortable silence, for a while until you both say.

“So I-”

“What are yo-”

You both laughed at your simultaneous comments, before Kiyoomi looks at you letting you speak. “What did you want to bring me here for?”

“I didn’t want, what happened last week to happen Y/N I-” he says looking a bit panicked “It wasn’t supposed to go this way.”

“Then how was it meant to go Sakusa.”

“Y/N, please don’t call me that, I know I made you upset but pleas-” he starts before getting distracted again “Y/N, I called you here to say a few things..”

“Them being.?” you ask a bit impatiently.

“I love you. I love you so much, you don’t even understand. Ever since I saw you at my volleyball game in our first year, in the stands just cheering us on. I knew that from that day, after I scored the winning point and our eyes met, that we were destined to be together. I just love you so much Y/N”

“Omi I don’t understand I-”

“Just let me finish please, It’s taken a while for me to say this. And trust me, there’s been so many times when I wanted to just say ‘hey Y/N let’s get married,’ but I couldn’t I was scared, and I wanted it to be perfect, so perfect. Because you deserve the world Y/N. That’s why I got Empress to help, I know that our conversations may seem odd, but I love you and she knows that she just wanted to help trust me. And she did, all this wouldn’t of been done if it wasn’t for her. But anyways Y/N what I waned to say was I love you and I love you and I-” he rambles on loosing track of his words.  

But in the midst of his speech, you hear all that you needed and responded with the only way you can.

“Yes.” you say simply, with a growing smile on your face.

“Yes?” he repeats confused “What do you meann ye- ohhh" Kiyoomi blushes embarrased that after all that he ended up ruining the thought out proposal he wanted to give you with his ramble.

“Im sorry Y/N, I didn’t mean to say it like that I wanted it to be perfect and I-”

You shut him up with a kiss making his eyes widen as he reciprocates it anyways.  

“What did she say?” you hear someone shout from a far, and you look over to see the MSBY Jackals all standing there with shit eating grins on their faces.

“I said yes!” you yell back, to which they all cheer and rush towards you guys giving you both hugs and slapping Kiyoomi on the back.  

As the boys celebrate Omi finnally do what he’s been planning for ages, you get approached by Empress who awkwardly walks up to you. “ I didn’t want to leave the impression that me and Saku were any sort of thing?” she says

“Yeah I think it was definitely a big misunderstanding, it’s just that Omi was never around and whenever he was he was just talking to you and you know how it is.”

“I definitely know, I’d feel the same way if my boyfriend did that to me.”

“Oooh boyfriend?” you ask her feeling nosey on her romantic life.  

“Yeah boyfriend. You know iwaizumi hajime... the trainer?” she says smiling a bit when she said his name.

“The trainer! Nice.”

The rest of the night was fun and was basically an engagement party for you and Omi all you and friends just partying and celebrating yours and Omi’s love for each other. “Omi” you say getting his attention “Happy ten year anniversary babe”

“Happy anniversary, I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.”

After the party you spend your months now planning for a big fat wedding, with the help of your new found bestie, Empress (who you obviously misjudged from the start.) You and Omi could never be happier, every thing was back to how it was before, maybe even better. And you definitely spent at least two Saturdays a month going out for picnics and it was now a tradition in your relationship, so in the end you did get your ‘aesthetic picnic date.’

AN: WHAT DID U GUYS THINK??

[amara-scott]

I will protect you.

Movie: Divergent Universe (Non specific) Characters: Eric Coulter x Reader Categories: Angsty, lil fluff

"(Y/N) (Y/L/N)." My eyes dart up, I am not even sure who called out my name. I glance back to the side, my mother and father sitting there, holding hands. My mother then rubs my back as they both give me a sad smile. A tear rolling down her cheek. But I can't cry, nothing comes out. I gulp, about to stand up.

"(Y/N), we love you, always." I don't look over again, afraid of breaking down. I make my way down the steps and feel disconnected. The blade running across my skin brings me back to my senses and I blink, walking forward again. I eye the bowls. One sticking out. One that captured my thoughts the last few nights. Even before my test. Before I found out about me being divergent.

"Dauntless!" I turn, hearing clapping and cheering. A small smile on my lips as I make out dauntless members standing and looking at me. I walk over, a cloth clutched onto my knife cut. But I don't feel pain. I feel relieve. And a sense of belonging.

___

"Why are you so quiet?" I glance over to Eric, who is already facing me. His arm angled below his head.

My eyes are once more glued to the ceiling as I let my back rest on the mattress. I shake my head a little before turning my face to meet his. He looks somewhat concerned.

“I’m just very tired still. Training was tough yesterday.” I try to send him a small smile afterward but he doesn’t buy it, I can tell. His expression not changing. I quickly look back at the ceiling, gulping.

“Just let me know when you decide to tell the truth-“ He rolls over to his side and sits up, rubbing at his face and standing up, his nude figure walking into the bathroom and closing the door, not looking back once.

I sigh, shutting my eyes for a second and deciding to stand up as well. I grab a shirt and panties, walking into the kitchen, making breakfast for us both. My head running thousand miles a second. He would never love me if I told him the truth. I wouldn’t even blame him. I huff to myself, stirring the tea with cream.

We were taught to hate divergents from a young age in my family. They are supposed to be a disgrace. But why? Why would you want to kill someone who doesn’t even have a choice in what they are. I get frustrated, already feeling a tear rolling down my otherwise dry cheek.

I quickly wipe it away. Placing my hands onto the counter and hanging my head. I don’t deserve Eric. And I never will. If I’m not safe, which I never will be, Eric won’t be either. That’s not fair to him.

“Are you crying?” I flinch at his voice, turning to look at him with wide eyes.

“Uh- yeah.” Why lie now? He can tell.

“Why?” He comes closer, wanting to place his hands on my arms to pull me closer. But I push his hands down, causing him to frown and stop. I take a step back, shaking my head at him and feel more tears about to fall.

“Doesn’t matter, I-“ I stop for a second as he folds his arms, ready to tell me to cut the bullshit. “-I need to go.”

I swiftly walk past him into the bedroom and walk toward the closet, grabbing the biggest duffel bag I can find.

“-back to bed or-?” He rounds the corner, the amusement leaving his lips as he sees me packing. He strides over and takes the bag, throwing it behind him. Now I get frustrated. Not entirely at him.

“What the hell is going on, (y/n)?” He holds my face, turning it to make me look into his eyes. “Tell me, please.” I don’t know if I’m just imagining it but- I think I see worry. And fear.

“Eric, I just really need to go-“

“-No!” I flinch at his loud voice but he gulps, closing his eyes for a second and taking a breath, opening his eyes again. “Sorry. I didn’t want to shout.” He adds, his hands falling from my face as his jaw tightens.

“Eric-“ I take his hands in mine and he looks hopeful. I hate myself. I do. For what I’m about to say. But how would I get out of this situation otherwise? “I need to go-“ My voice suddenly gives out as I feel a wave of sobs about to hit me. But I push it down as best as I can. “-because I don’t- I don’t love you anymore.” I look back into his eyes once when he doesn’t respond. I’ve never hated myself more than right now. He pulls his hands away and steps aside.

“Then go.” He motions for the duffel bag, not sparing me another glance. I look at him, shocked at his coldness. But what did I expect? That he would fall to his knees and beg me to stay? Never in a million years. I nod and do as he says. He leaves the room, slamming the bedroom door shut on his way out. I cry then, sobs running through my entire body, shaking me, as I shove more things into the bag. I’m not even sure if I have everything. I just need to get out. After getting fully dressed I glance at myself in the mirror, trying to fix myself as best as I can. Another deep breath.

I step outside the bedroom with the bag over my shoulder and glance around the room, carefully walking. He’s not here. I glance over to the balcony door that’s opened. That’s where he stands outside with his back to me, leaning forward on his upper arms. I try to be quiet as I put my shoes on, lacing them.

“Just- give me a reason.” I look up as he stands in the balcony doorway. Clearly trying to push down what he feels. I bite my lip, not wanting to break down again. But that proves to be even harder than I thought as he runs a hand through his hair and a shaky breath leaves his lips. I stand back up and watch him as he steps closer, still far away.

“Not right now- another day.” He sighs, shaking his head.

“So there’s a reason behind all this? Is it me? Did I say something or do-“

“-Eric, no. None of this is your fault, okay? Don’t blame yourself for anything. This is my choice and I- I think it’s better that way.” I turn to the door.

“Just- one question.” I close my eyes for a moment before looking over my shoulder. He’s coming closer, this will make it harder. He stops a couple feet away.

“Do you really not love me anymore?” His eyes are glossy. Jaw even tighter than before. “Be honest.” I shake my head at him.

“-of course I do.”

“Then stay. We can fix- whatever is going on-“

“-no, we can’t fix this. It’s final, nothing will ever change who I am, Eric.” I want to immediately take back what I said, not just because a tear finally rolled down his cheek- but also because now he won’t stop until I tell him exactly what this is about.

“Change who you are?” He huffs, a smile on his lips- frustration. He runs his hands through his hair, shaking his head before stepping even closer and pulling me toward him. I can’t fight him off now. I never could. But he still doesn’t deserve this.

“I’m so sorry, I need to go now before it’s too late-“ I mumble into his shoulder, gripping his shirt.

“Why?”

“I’m divergent.”

There’s a pause. As if he stops breathing for a second. I freeze and listen for any sign. He pulls away slowly, looking at me, cupping my face.

“Divergent?” He asks, more to himself but I nod not daring to meet his eyes any longer. But he tilts my head up.

“If I don’t leave now- not only am I in danger, you are too.” I explain and he shakes his head immediately.

“No.”

“No?”

“I’ll protect you. With my life. You’re everything I have.” I tear up again and can’t hold it in anymore before hugging him tightly. He pulls me even closer if that’s possible. My sobs soaking his shirt and I hold onto him as if my life depended on it. It kind of did in a twisted way.

“Why?” I get out in between and he presses his lips to my forehead.

“Because you are all I need.”

[kkodzvken]

where you let it go - hawks x g.n. reader

this is my fic for @doinmybesthere​‘s mental health collab (mlist here). thank you so much emme for hosting! 

tags/warnings: hurt/comfort, unspecified mental health issues, involuntary commitment, panic attack, a bit of depersonalization

a/n: i wrote this from my own personal experiences, so it’s in no way indicative of what all treatment is like. i was also hospitalized by my parents when i was a minor so i don’t really know about involuntary commitment for adults, so i’m sorry if this was inaccurate. this was incredibly therapeutic — i wrote what i needed to hear back then. and please please please, know that your mental health is so important, and there is nothing braver than getting help. title cred: where you let it go by i the mighty

w/c: 1.7k

They’re all too loud.

The voices rise up around you. They crash against each other, echoing against the sterile white walls and ceilings. They feed off each other like carnivorous beasts, and they sink their claws into your ears, dig their teeth into your flesh and leave scratches against your marrow.

They’re too fucking loud.

You want to leave. You want to leave, but you can’t. And besides, wasn’t this supposed to help? Wasn’t this supposed to make you better? You should be reveling in all the noise, letting the voices seep into your ears and wash away the awful sounds in your brain. But they don’t cancel each other out – they just amplify each other, until it’s too loud for you to think, to breathe.

Your lungs feel like they’re encased in ice. Someone’s saying something – a nurse, asking about your medication history – but his voice is washed away in the sea of noise that surrounds you. You try to breathe, but your chest is filled with sticky tar. You try to respond, to spit out whatever they want to hear so they’ll leave you alone, but the tar rises up into your windpipe and settles into your voice box.

You want to leave. You need to leave, but you can’t.

Your mind isn’t in your body anymore. You aren’t in your body anymore. The sounds are still assaulting your eardrums, and you still feel everything so vividly. But it isn’t you. This isn’t you.

Is that you? This person, is that you? You stare down at your hands in an attempt to ground yourself, but it does just the opposite. You stare at your hands, but they are not your own. You know, you know how impossible that is. But the longer you stare, the more not-yours they become.

You can feel the tar rising up in your throat, turning into acidic bile that corrodes at your cells, but they’re not your cells. You’re looking down at your body, but it belongs to someone else. That person is not you – that person, staring blankly down at their hands as they’re surrounded by a hurricane of voices and nurses – that person is not you.

This was supposed to help. It was supposed to make you better, but after only a day, you’re already spiraling into a state that’s much worse. You hate everything about this place. You hate the smell of disinfectant that burns your nose, and the harsh white lights that burn your eyes. You hate the rituals and rules. You hate feeling eyes on you at all times. The constant supervision feels like a rope around your neck. It’s fucking miserable.

“Mx. Y/N, please. We can’t make any progress if you don’t work with us.”

“I don’t want to work with you,” you spit out. “I want to go home.”

The nurse sighs. He places his pen and clipboard down on his lap. “I understand how you feel, but you know –”

“How the fuck do you understand how I feel?” Your voice is dripping with venom. All of the fear and anger of the past days – no, the past weeks, months, years – reaches a fever pitch. The steady beeping of the machines by your bedside makes your head throb, but you ignore the pain as you push yourself off the bed. “I’m going home.”

You only make it a few steps before the two other nurses in the room rush to your side. Their hands are cold, and they dig into your arms when they grab you. Bile rises up in your throat. You try and twist out of their grasps, but they’re too strong, and your head hurts too badly.

That doesn’t stop you from trying. “Let me go!” you shout. You hate how shrill your voice sounds. The nurses act as if they can’t hear you. They march you back towards the bed, but you twist and thrash and try to make for the door. “Let me go, let me go, let me GO!”

“Baby?”

Your head shoots up at the sound of his voice. “K-Kei!”

He stands in the doorway, clutching a duffel bag in one hand and your favorite stuffed animal in the other, but he quickly drops everything and rushes towards you. The nurses must loosen their grips, because you’re finally able to twist away from them. You collide against his body, and with his strong arms wrapped around you, you finally feel like you can breathe again.

You don’t know when you started crying, but tears are freely falling down your face now. You bury yourself into his chest, holding him as close and as tight as you possibly can. “Keigo,” you sob out. “Keigo, I wanna go home, please take me home.”

He pulls you impossibly closer and presses little kisses against the top of your head. “Oh, angel,” he breathes. He shifts and picks you up with ease. You wrap your legs around his hips and he wraps his wings around your body like you have a thousand times before. It should bring you comfort, but it just reminds you of how wrong this feels. You should be in your shared home, not this hospital with its overwhelming smells and sounds.

“Home,” you cry out again.

He coos softly. “Oh, angel, you know that I can’t do that.”

You ball your hands into fists and grab at his shirt, tugging at it while your sobs intensify. “I don’t wanna be here, Kei, please.”

“I don’t want this either, honey. But you need this.”

“No! I need to go home! I need them to leave me alone!”

He turns to the nurses. “Can we have a moment alone, please? I promise that I’ll keep them safe, and call if anything happens.”

The nurses look at each other doubtfully, but eventually nods their heads and file out of the room. Keigo turns his full attention back to you. “Cry it out, angel,” he says as he sways your bodies gently. “Let it all out. I’m here, I’ll keep you safe, I promise.”

He holds you as sobs rack through your body, as you wail and scream and thump your fists against his back. When you finally retreat from the safety of his shirt, you’re sure that you look disgusting. Your eyes are red and puffy, and your face is covered in snot and tears. But he still looks at you like you’re the most precious thing he’s ever seen. He lowers himself onto the bed and holds you in his lap, your legs straddling him and your face resting against his neck.

“I know it sucks, angel,” he starts. “But don’t—”

“Please don’t lecture me,” you interrupt. You hate how small and weak your voice sounds. “I know that I have to stay here. I know they’ll help me get better. But I don’t want to, Kei. I want to go home with you. Can’t I just get better at home?”

His expression is painfully gentle as he cups your face in his big hands and smiles at you. “There’s nothing wrong with asking for help, baby.”

“I know, but I can do it myself–”

“No you can’t,” he says bluntly. “You can’t get better by yourself. And I can’t help you get better by myself. We need real help.”

You whine and turn your head, not wanting to look him in the eyes. “…I know. But I still don’t want to.”

“Both of those things can be true,” he says. “You can hate it, and still do it and know that you need it. It’ll suck, but hey, look at it this way. The more you cooperate, the faster you’ll get better, and the faster you’ll be able to come home to me.”

You bury your face back into his shoulder. You don’t want him to see the tears that are threatening to leak out of your eyes again. “I-I’ll miss you. I couldn’t sleep last night. It was…It was wrong, not having you next to me.”

“Oh, baby,” he coos, and your chest pangs at the sound of his voice breaking. “I couldn’t sleep either. But I’ll visit you every day, alright? I’ll stay as long as I can, until they kick me out. And then I’ll call you until they kick us off the phone.”

“It’s not the same.” You feel childish when you whine and complain like this, but you can’t help it. The concept of being hospitalized, of being locked up away from Keigo and everything else important in your life, is terrifying. “When…when do you think I can come home?”

“They said they’ll let you go out if you’re good, right?”

“I wasn’t really paying attention yesterday,” you admit sheepishly.

He chuckles and presses another kiss against your forehead. “It’s okay, angel, I was listening. I’ll double check, but I think that I’m allowed to bring you out for a few hours if you stick with your plan. Let’s look forward to that, okay? We can go home and watch a movie, or we can go on a date somewhere nice. Whatever you want.”

“Home,” you mumble. “Wanna snuggle with you on our bed.”

You can feel his lips curl into a smile against your hair, and it makes you smile a little too. “Well,” he says, repositioning himself onto his back and dragging you along with him. “It’s not the same, but we can watch a movie now! They didn’t let me bring your laptop in, but we can watch on my phone.”

You snuggle into his side and rest your head on his chest. The steady sound of his heartbeat is comforting, and it helps to cancel out all of the other horrible sounds enveloping you. You’re still terrified, but with his arms and wings wrapped around you, and the reassuring warmth of him against you, you feel a bit safer, and a bit less scared.

  .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

“Please don’t leave me,” you say. “Please…please don’t go. I know that I’m fucked up, and I’m a hassle, and that I make things difficult for you. I’m sorry. But please don’t go.”

“I’m not going anywhere, angel,” he says. He leans his forehead against yours and gently strokes your cheek with his thumb. “I promise. I’ll stay with you forever. You’re not fucked up. Your struggles don’t make me think any less of you. They don’t make you any less lovable. I promise, baby, I’m going to spend the rest of my life with you. You’re my everything, and I’ll never leave you. I promise.”

[the-cult-of-russo]

No Going Back

Pairing: Billy Russo x Reader 

Request : good morning. i wanna request number 8.  “Maybe you should just leave now.” angst/fighting dialogue. to be correct it is for billy russo right?

A/N: yes it's my Billy boy :') he a lil soft in this though but also an asshole lmaooo not gonna lie, this one had me swept up in the emotion. It hit quite close to home and now I'm sad :') 

Warnings: cursing, angst, sadness and heartbreak. Billy fucked up big time lol

Your hands were shaking as you slammed the door to your apartment. Tears stained your cheeks and you kicked your heels off before storming to your bedroom, grabbing a duffel bag and starting to pack his things that he'd left around. Heartbroken didn't even cover it. 

You knew this would happen, it's why you fought against it for so long. But you were stupid and ended falling for his bullshit and now you were a mess. 

You and Billy had been together officially for 7 months. You'd met a year ago at a bar and hit it off, but when he tried to take you home you'd denied him. That apparently piqued his interest even more. He'd always be at the bar every Friday when you went and it was always easy to just be yourself around him. You didn't take him up on his offer and he would offer every time. He never made it a secret that he wanted you. 

But as the months drew on, you both got to know each other more and it became a sort of friendship. You had to admit you felt something when you looked forward to seeing him. He'd asked you once why you were so against it and you'd been pretty blunt with him. You knew of his reputation and you weren't into it. You didn't do one night stands or casual sex. You wanted a relationship, someone to settle down with. You wanted something real. You told him you didn't think he was capable of that and he'd break your heart. 

Five months into knowing each other and he'd switched from just wanting to fuck you to wanting to actually date you and you'd still put up a fight. But as your feelings for him grew, he wore you down. The moment you agreed to that date, which he'd been over the moon about, everything changed. 

It had been so easy to be with him. He treated you like a queen, was more affectionate than you'd have thought, and you enjoyed each other's company. He was busy with Anvil a lot so you didn't see him every day but he'd call if he couldn't see you or send you sweet texts. He swore to you up and down that he'd never hurt you, never do what you'd thought he would do when you turned him down all those times. 

You'd see the looks women gave him when you went out together or were at an event as his date and sometimes you'd feel insecure. But he only had eyes for you it seemed and it reassured you. It lulled you into a false sense of security that he'd actually changed. That he actually cared about you. 

But you were wrong. So very fucking wrong and now you were paying for it. You'd been having dinner with a friend you hadn't seen in a while when it happened. Your eyes finding Billy across the restaurant. He was sat with a pretty blonde, very up close and intimate as they whispered god knows what to each other. You'd felt your heart crack but tried to deny it. It was just flirting, nothing more. But then… he'd leaned in and kissed her. 

You'd shot out of your seat so fast the chair fell over and ran out of the place like someone had lit a fire up your ass. And you knew he'd seen you because you heard him shouting your name as you jumped into a cab and left. 

You hated yourself for being surprised at what he'd done. You'd told him this was exactly how it would go but he'd swore to you. And you allowed yourself to buy into his bullshit because you loved him. 

Most of his things packed, you padded over to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of wine, pouring a large glass. You swigged it in one and felt the warmth bloom in your chest. It did little to ease the hopeless sorrow that consumed you though. 

There was a rough knock at your door and you heard Billy call your name loudly. You tensed, heart breaking all over again as the tears seemed to be never ending. You didn't want to talk to him, to even look at him. But this was it. You couldn't stay with him, not now. You'd never be able to trust him again. You knew you had to tell him it was done so you could lick your wounds and heal from the pain. 

"Y/N, please… open the door," Billy begged from the other side. You walked over, unlocking it but not opening it as you stormed back off to your bedroom. You knew he'd let himself in. You heard his heavy footsteps entering as you shoved another of his shirts in the bag, one you liked to sleep with.

"Can we talk?" He asked hesitantly. 

"No," you bit out, eyes snapping to him. His face fell when he saw you crying and he took a tentative step into the room.

"Please, Y/N, let me explain," he frowned. You laughed but it held no joy. Only a deep rooted pain that was latched onto your soul. 

"Explain? Really? What, you gonna say you tripped and your mouth landed on hers?! I saw it with my own eyes, Billy! You don't need to explain anything!" You roared, pure pain lacing your words.

He clenched his jaw as he shook his head, eyes glassy as he stared at you. 

"I'm-I'm sorry," he started softly,  reaching out to grab your arm but you smacked it away harshly. He looked like a kicked puppy and you hated it. He didn't get to be upset about this. 

"How long have you been fucking her then?" You asked snidely as you grabbed the duffel bag, holding it in a death grip. 

"I haven't fucked her," he muttered quietly. You snorted deprecatingly and he bit down on his lower lip.

"Yet?" You asked knowingly. His guilty glance to the floor told you everything you needed to know. 

"How long, Billy? How long have you been cheating on me?" You asked, your voice wavered but your gaze had nothing but fire in it and he shifted where he stood. He couldn't look at you. 

"A month. It was always one night, I never went back to someone," he frowned. Pain clawed its way through your chest and you threw the bag at him hard. He caught it but stumbled a little and he looked at you forlornly. 

"Well, I guess that makes it better then, right?" You asked coldly and he flinched. 

You stormed past him back to the kitchen area and he followed quickly. 

"Please listen to me, Y/N. I need to make this right," he pleaded desperately. You whirled around to face him, face flushed and tear stained and you felt like you wanted to scream. 

"Why? Why did you just decide after 6 months together to do this to me? You promised me, Billy! I knew this would happen but you fought for this! For us! Why?! Just so you could break my heart?!" You bellowed, a mix of anger and utter despair in your tone. 

His lower lip quivered and he bit down on it, staring at the floor.

"I never wanted to hurt you. I swear, I didn't. I just…" his voice cracked as his teary eyes landed on you. 

"Maybe you should just leave now," you uttered. Your whole body was trembling and you felt sick. You couldn't stand to look at him. He stepped closer to you, dropping the bag on the floor but you took a step back. It would be far too easy to fall for his bullshit again and if he touched you, you didn't think you'd be able to get him to leave. 

It felt like pure pain ripped through your chest, the weight of the world crashing down around you. You slumped onto a dining chair as a raw sob clawed its way out. Billy was kneeling in front of you in seconds, his own cheeks now damp as he cupped your cheeks. You moved your head from his grip and shook your head. 

"I loved you, you know that?" You whispered brokenly though your tears. You'd never outright said it, mostly in fear of his reaction. But it had all gone to shit anyway. His lip trembled again, scrunching his nose up a little as he shook his head. He looked utterly devastated and it made you angry so you continued.

"I loved you with everything I had. I trusted you with my life. I ripped out my own beating heart and willingly gave it to you because you swore to me you wouldn't do this. You just took it and stomped all over it. How could you do this to me?" Your last words were strained as the tears flowed freely.

"Please let me fix this," he begged helplessly. He was crying openly now, not trying to hide it as he gazed at you from the floor. 

"You can't fix it. I'll never be able to trust you again. It's not just the sex, Billy! You've been lying to me for a month. All those business meetings or times you were away? And you just… you'd come back to me with a smile and tell me sweet words. Looked me in the fucking eye and not feel guilty," you choked out. He shook his head vigorously, hands clasping yours so tight you couldn't pull them away.

"You've got no idea how guilty I felt. It's been eatin' me up from the inside out," he lamented.

"Why would you…? What was it? You just got bored of me? Decided you didn't want me anymore? You should have just ended this because it would hurt less than this," you wept pitifully. He shook his head, clutching your hands tighter.

"Don't… Don't say that, I do want you. I know I don't deserve you, I know I'm an asshole. And… and maybe I shoulda left it alone when you told me this would happen, but I was selfish and I-I couldn't. You were never like the others. I knew that from the moment we met. But then… then things were gettin' serious and I just… I freaked out and went back to my default 'cause I didn't know how to…'' he cried, screwing his face up as he hung his head. 

You sobbed as you stood, his hands falling away and you moved to lean against the table as he stood. 

"It would be bad enough if I'd just got with you in the first place and you did this. But I wanted to avoid this. I tried so hard but you kept on at it. And it hurts so much more because you promised me you wouldn't do this and I believed you. I thought you'd changed, that you…" you ran a hand through your hair, tugging on it as the tears wouldn't stop.

He stepped to you, grasping your face in both hands and you couldn't bring yourself to fight it despite the pain it brought you. His endless eyes were all consuming, his cheeks wet from his own tears.

"Please… please, Y/N, don't do this. Let me make it right," he begged tearfully. 

"Without trust, we have nothing. Everytime you're on your phone I'd wonder if you were talking to another woman. When you're out I'd be paranoid about who you were with. I can't live like that, Billy. I can't live my life in… in an anxious, jealous haze. That's not a relationship," you whispered. 

He made a pained noise and it squeezed your heart so hard you thought it might implode. 

"I was never good enough for you. I knew that. But I wanted… I wanted to try and be-be a good man… for you. And I fucked up so bad and I just…" his words trailed off into a hopeless sob and you squeezed your eyes shut. You wished there was a way to fix this but there wasn't. You wouldn't be in one of those relationships without trust. Checking your partner's phone and always checking in. It would break you.

"You need to leave, Billy," your words were a mere breath and his hands on your face tightened for a moment before they fell to his sides. He looked completely broken and you were sure you looked the same. He opened his mouth before promptly closing it, his jaw ticking as he moved away and pushed the heels of his palms to his eyes. 

You wrapped your arms around yourself like it would protect you from the pain and glared at the floor. You could still feel his gaze burning into you. You glanced at him as he grabbed the bag and slung it over his shoulder. You had to fight the urge to grab onto him as he walked to your door. You felt like you were dying. 

He grabbed the handle but stopped, not looking at you as his body tensed.

"I want you to know… I love you too," his pained words felt like a punch to the gut and you covered your mouth with a hand but it did little to stop the noise that left your lips. He looked over his shoulder at you, still holding the door handle.

"I know that… right now you probably don't believe me, but I do. And I'm sorry. I-I never wanted you to get hurt. You deserve so much better," he muttered despondently. With that, he opened the door and slipped out of your apartment. Of your life. 

You fell to the floor as heaving sobs left your chest. It would have been easier if he came here being an asshole. Cold and emotionless like you knew he could be at times. But seeing him, his emotions so raw and on display, it cut you deeper than any knife could. And you believed him. You knew him well enough to believe that he fell in love with you and freaked out. You knew it would happen which is why you'd turned him down at the start. You believed he never wanted to hurt you. And you wished you could forgive him. You saw how much it hurt him too but you couldn't. You couldn't get over the betrayal and you didn't think you ever could. 

He'd sabotaged what you both had because of his inability to deal with what he felt and the bitter knowledge that if he'd just accepted it, how different your future would be with him, it left a sour taste in your mouth. Billy had opened up to you a lot in your time together about his past and you knew how much it had messed him up. You knew it left him struggling with emotions and relationships and you felt for him. For the lost boy who'd never felt love and didn't know how to cope with it. But nothing could erase the heartbreak. The hurt that he'd given you. Because even if you'd one day be able to forgive him, you'd never be able to forget.

[mrslilyrogers]

All I have to do is Dream Part 2

Pairing: Steve x Reader, Telepath! Reader (X-men reader)

Summary: It’s been five years since the snap. You and Steve are stuck at an impasse. You want a family, he doesn’t. He says he’s moved on but has he really? With your doubts growing, you consider risking his trust and use your powers on him to get your answers once and for all.

Author’s note: I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before but reader here has studied at the Xavier Institute so she’s basically part of the X-men. You don’t have to read the comics or watch their movies, it is just part of her background. This is based on Endgame and would follow its progression. If you want to be tagged, please send an ask!! Thank you all for reading!!! 

Part 1 

Steve’s jaw twitched, his throat muscles working, eyes never leaving the photo on his phone. He pursed his lips and let out a huge exhale, running a hand on his face. What the hell had you done?

Nat didn’t question when he came back to the compound late last night nor when he didn’t show up the morning after, only learning from F.R.I.D.A.Y, he was up earlier than his usual and left. He came back a few hours ago, sweaty and gruff, immediately rushing to lock himself up at the gym. Wallowing there until now. 

She had known Steve long enough to know he was blowing off steam. She knew better than to pry, letting him keep to himself until he was ready to talk, and Steve was glad for it. Glad he still had one friend who cared. 

What the hell had you done? 

—————————-

You jolted from the bed, Steve’s eyes drilling holes in your direction from where he sat stiffly beside you, his mouth pressed into a thin disapproving line. If only looks could kill. You had never seen him so angry in your life. His breath coming in rapid pants, his fists clenched tight at his sides, the muscles around his neck and arms bulging. You felt naked under his gaze, bared to the soul with nowhere to hide. Ironic when just a few moments ago, you had breached into his mind, violating his privacy to the utmost. 

“Y/N,” he said, deathly low and lethal, a warning. 

“Steve, I’m sorry I didn’t know--” you scrambled to your feet, panic rising up to your throat, cheeks wet with tears. 

“Bullshit!” He roared, not letting you finish, shooting up to his feet like the soldier he was. His tightly coiled temper finally unleashed. “You went inside my head! Don’t you fucking give me any excuses!”

In his anger, he threw the analog clock from his bedside table to the floor, breaking it into tiny pieces instantly, the sound of it cracking and your crying the only things filling the air. You didn’t recognize the sobs coming from you, not even knowing if it was from what you’ve just discovered or the way he looked at you now. As if he didn’t know you, as if he could never trust you again. 

“I’m sorry,” was all you said. And you were. In every sense of the word. Sorry for yourself, sorry for what you’ve learned, sorry for what you’ve done. 

“How could you do this to me?” Steve asked, disbelieving. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. It’s just… I overheard you at grief counseling--”

“You what?” He hissed, eyes incredulous and accusing. “Are you fucking spying on me now?” he pointed his finger at you, circling the bed to stand in front of you, his steps quick and long. He looked like he did on missions. One purpose, ready to attack. It was a miracle he kept his fists at his sides instead of shaking you. 

“NO! No, I was waiting outside and I heard what you said, and it’s made me think…” 

“No, you didn’t think! I told you time and time again, I love you. What more do you fucking need?” His voice grew even louder, exasperation and impatience seeping out of him as if he had been putting up with you for so long.

What more do you need? What more do you need?

“The truth, Steve! I just wanted to know the truth!” You answered back, voice rising in return. The whole time you thought you were only being paranoid, insecure, blaming it on yourself when you weren’t wrong all along. He still wanted her. Yearned for her. 

“And are you happy now? You happy that you’ve forced it out of me?” Steve’s tone turned mocking, his eyes hard and jaw tensed. No denial, no guilt. He baited you and if he had enough presence of mind, he wouldn’t have said that, wouldn’t have deliberately gone out of his way to cut you deep. But right at this moment, all he saw was red. He wanted to hurt you, to punch, to scream. His hands shook, in the need to destroy something, to fight someone. Fists bringing out what he couldn’t put forth into words. He knew he had to leave. 

You flinched from his words as if you’ve been physically slapped. Eyes full of hurt, you were speechless, immobilized to the spot, no other choice but to take it all in and watch him as he bristled past you, heading to the direction of your shared closet, grabbing his duffel bag and stuffing it with whatever he could get his hands on. 

“Wait, where are you going?” your voice was small, hands shaking while you clutched the end of your shirt. 

“I can’t even look at you right now,” 

“So is this it? Is that all you have to say?” You pleaded, a part of you still hoping he’d deny everything you saw. That it was just all it ever was, a dream. A fantasy from another life. That it didn’t mean anything. That he’d pick you, the one who was here, someone he could actually build a future with. Over a dead woman, a woman who belonged to another decade, another lifetime. 

“Since you’re so good at getting into people’s minds, why don’t you tell me?” He taunted, turning his back to you, roughly shoving his toiletries in his bag.

“That’s not fair, Steve!” 

“Fair? You want to talk about being fair when you broke my trust! You promised, Y/N. Does that only mean something when it’s convenient to you?” He turned around this time, nostrils flaring, finger pointing offensively at you again. You were so close to him now, could practically feel the heat radiating off his body. And you were scared. You were scared to lose him. Because you knew whatever happened tonight couldn’t be reversed. The things he said, the things you did, there was no going around it anymore. 

“Do you want me to say I don’t love Peggy anymore, is that it? Is that what you wanna hear? Because I can’t. I still love her!” His voice boomed around you, shaking you to your core. Fresh, hot tears trailed down your cheeks. You were helpless. Broken. 

As soon as the words left him, he knew he’d regret it. At the way you looked, so small and vulnerable, hugging your arms to your chest, his eyes softened,  “Y/N…” he moved towards you, hands out to comfort you but you backed away. 

Shaking your head vehemently, you took another step back. You didn’t want his touch, didn’t want him near you. 

“No, no. Don’t.” you stayed a hand up to stop him. “It’s alright. You’re right,” 

“Y/N, that’s not--” 

“I think you should leave.” you pointed to the bag already in his hand. Your resolve, sure and strong. 

“Y/N, I didn’t--” he tried again, shaking his head. How could he take those words back? Did he not mean them too? God help him but he loved them both. 

“Steve, please stop. Just stop. Don’t make this any harder than it already is,” you pleaded, not knowing what else he wanted from you. You gave him an out; clear and easy. Wasn’t that enough? Did he have to hurt you even more?

“I shouldn’t have said those things,” He let out on a sigh, shaking his head. “But sweetheart, please don’t look at me like that,” You looked like a terrified deer, ready to run at the first sign of danger and he couldn’t bear that it was directed at him. He could handle your tenacity, your fire, anything else but the defeated look on your face. It made his heart ache.

He tried again, speaking gently, “Y/N, if you want me to leave for the night, I will. I think you might be right, we need some space after this, clear our heads,” 

This time, he went near you and you let him, you let his hands hold your arms like he’s done in past arguments. You let him look you straight in the eye like he’s done so many times before. You let him say his piece, already knowing where it was headed like the back of your hand. You operated like this. Clockwork. When one pushed, the other shoved. 

One last time. 

“But promise me you’ll be here in the morning to talk. You went inside my head, Y/N, but I wanna work through this. I love you,” he said it like he meant it, his heart on his sleeve but you weren’t so sure you believed him anymore. 

“You know I love you, right?” He asked just like the last time. Clockwork. 

No. I don’t. 

You nodded your head. 

-----------------

He tossed and turned that night, the look of hurt on your face scarred in his memory. He knew he shouldn’t have left, knew he should’ve fought to stay.

It was true that he was furious but any animosity he felt immediately simmered after the mention of Peggy. He was way out of line. He wanted to apologize, to pull you into his arms and kiss away the bitter words he spoke but he was still so shaken about what you had done, what you had seen, and so he figured he should let it rest first, giving you both time and space to calm down. Everything looked better in the morning, right? 

But your face came unbidden in his mind, he could still remember the exact moment you closed yourself off to him, your eyes hauntingly empty and hollow, shoulders hunched, arms instinctively wrapped to yourself. So small and vulnerable. 

He should’ve stayed, dammit! 

He let out a grunt as he stared up at the ceiling. He still couldn’t believe you used your abilities on him, couldn’t believe you’d go so far when you’d never ever shied away from asking him anything. Heck, you’d basically proposed to him with all your nagging of starting a family.

Why did you have to see that?

He hissed and shook his head, guilt gnawing in his stomach. Your power was able to force out his deepest dreams and desires. But was that the whole truth? If he hadn’t woken up and you’d stuck a little longer then you would’ve known just how scared and confused he was. What you saw was the Steve who still clung to the past, the part of him that wanted to go back, yearned to go back because it was safer, it was where he truly belonged. 

But then again, he wasn’t that same man anymore, was he? Not fully anyway. In more ways than one, he had moved on. For the past couple of years, he did, in fact, envision a future with you. He was going to propose until the snap happened and then, everything changed. He saw his friends, his family, gone to dust. He could still hear Bucky’s echoing words, calling out to him. All those lost souls vanished as if they never existed while he stood, helpless and useless. Why spare him again? Why did he have to go through it all again? Didn’t he have enough pain and loss in one lifetime? 

And so he started thinking of the past. The good ol’ days, if you could even really call it that. It started out as a tiny flicker of curiosity. You both had just found a new apartment in New York, it wasn’t all that hard with the sudden vacancies. You were standing in the middle of the room, hands on your hips while he sat at the edge of the bed his head bowed, elbows resting on his knees. 

“Steve, we need to start thinking of the future. I know it’s hard but they’re not coming back and we can’t keep doing what we’re doing. We can get away from all this, you know, start a new life. Don’t you want that too?”

He swallowed a lump in his throat. He wanted to fight, to try again and again until he got everyone back. He was grieving, angry, and above all, guilty. Why couldn’t he do what he was made for in the first place? How did he let all of this happen? And why, for god’s sake, why did he have to survive while the others vanished?

But you were right. Of course, you were right. The ever practical and optimistic you. He looked at you with tired eyes, not wanting to argue, and nodded his head. He still had you, that was a win. For every shitty thing that happened since, at least you were alive and he wouldn’t trade that for the world but some jaded, cynical part of him questioned how long that would last. The universe clearly had a bone to pick with him and it was only a matter of time before you were taken from him too and that scared the living shit out of him.  

And so he had started to wonder what if?

What if he never had to wake up from the ice? What if he never had to crash the plane in the first place? What if he was where he was really supposed to be? 

All those questions drifted down into one person, the one that got away. Peggy.  She was his link to the past, everything that was sweet and wonderful. The dance he missed, the future he wanted when everything settled down into peace after the war. Peace. As ironic as that sounded, she reminded him of peace. The little dream he had in the back of his head whenever he infiltrated a nazi base camp. Every mission, every fight, he would think one more of this and the war would be over, one more and I get back to her. Peace. 

He craved for that peace so much, he didn’t even realize what he had been doing. He lived in that dream, longing for the time he could never get back. All the while you were hurting, so desperately trying to cling on to him while he slipped into himself. You needed him but he continued to chase the life he lost, for all his talk of moving on. He didn’t even realize how his fear of losing you has led him down to the very verge of it and now, he was anxious and afraid. So so afraid. You wouldn’t leave him, would you? God, he’d do anything, drop everything, to follow you.

That realization just made his head spin, was he really willing to let everything go just like that? Of course, he was. There was no question about it. Nothing else mattered if it meant losing you. It was a damned shame he only realized that now. 

We can work through this, he thought to himself. He couldn’t let you go, wouldn’t let you go. It didn’t even matter what you had done anymore, not right now, not when all he wanted was for you to know everything, that above all, he was choosing you. He loves you. 

I’ll make this work. We’ll make this work. 

----------------------------------

He stared at his friend’s face, her red hair already outgrowing the blonde curls that framed her frowning face. She couldn’t believe it. Hell, even he didn’t believe it. How could you? 

--

Before the sun had even risen, he was already up, tying his shoelaces with his jittery hands. He had never been so nervous in his life. Not even when he had to crash his own plane, with that came a sense of doom and certainty but this? This was torture. This was hell. 

What was he going to say? How was he going to explain himself? What could he do to make you stay?

What you had done the night before, invading his most private thoughts, had been pushed to the side. In his heart, he had already forgiven you, understood why you had to do what you did. He knew you, the kind of person you were and you would never have done it had you not thought it was necessary. And with everything that he’s done and what you heard, could he really judge you for it? 

He rushed into the apartment, his heart already heavy. He couldn’t find it in himself to wait until you woke up and instead gave a tentative, “Y/N?” as he poked his head into the bedroom door, the sight of it knocking the air right out of him. 

No, no, no, no, no. 

The neatly made up bed greeted him, curtains drawn back to illuminate the empty room. His heart dropped to his stomach, “No, no, no, no, no,” 

“Y/N?” he shouted into the room, somehow hoping he was mistaken, that you were still here, that you’d show up. 

Did you really leave him? Could you really have done that?

He ran to the bathroom, calling out to you, but it was the same as he had left it. Except all of your stuff was gone. Your toiletries by the sink, all the little hair ties you kept lying around. Gone. 

How could you do this to him? How could you leave without saying goodbye? 

All the clothes he had always folded for you after you tossed them in the closet weren’t there anymore. Any trace of you was now gone. He let out a curse, his cold hand fumbling for his phone in his pocket. No messages, no calls.

“Come on, pick up,” He prayed into the phone. Please, please, please. When the monotonous operator answered, he let out a shout,

“Fuck!” 

Throwing his phone unto the bed, he realized even the clock he had thrown in his temper had been cleaned away, a letter laid down on where it was supposed to be. 

He picked it up quickly, his breathing rapid at the two simple words scrawled in your distinct handwriting. 

I’m sorry. 

Crumbling the paper in his fist, he shakily put it to his pale lips. Breathe...

What were you thinking? You couldn’t have even left a number to contact you? How was he supposed to find you now? He felt himself grow weak in the knees. He knew the type of training you had with the X-men, if you didn’t want to found, you wouldn’t. 

Had he lost you forever? 

Hands shaking at the thought, he ran. Ran to get away from his emotions. Lost, angry and hurt. What the hell had you done? 

What the hell had you done?

--

Natasha let out an exhale, bringing him out of his reverie. The look of hurt still evident on her face, she couldn’t believe you’d just leave without saying goodbye.

“If there’s one thing I know is that she loves you. You need to fix this, Steve,” 

Before he could even reply, the front gate’s access flashed before her. Mindlessly swiping it, they both turned to the monitor, their minds still preoccupied on where you could be. The man standing outside, waving his arms about looked eerily familiar but that couldn’t be...

Scott Lang?

Oh god, what now?

[kevindayisafrog]

Here’s a painful one shot of Kevneil in a perfect court AU based on artwork by @knandersonart on Instagram

TW - blood, detailed injuries, abuse, anxiety/panic attacks

“Try stepping out of line now”, Riko growled as he slammed his foot down once more onto Kevin’s hand. The sound of bones cracking had quickly given way to the sound of them crunching, as solid bone turned to shards. “Riko”, Kevin slurred as he swallowed down another lump of bile, “Riko, please”. Riko only laughed harder at the plead and brought his foot down in one last stamp. Kevin let out a bellied cry as the last of his bones tore through the skin on his hand, blood rapidly spilling over onto the locker room floor. “You’ll never be better than me now, will you? Try beating me with no hand”, Riko spat onto Kevin’s cheek and gave his hand a quick kick before turning on his heels and leaving the room. Kevin squeezed his eyes shut and willed the room to stop swaying as he clutched what remained of his hand to his chest. His mind replayed Riko’s words with feverish images of Kevin’s future; he’d never play again and he’d let his mom down. All he wanted to do was play a stupid game that she made up and now she was gone and he couldn’t make her proud anymore. Kevin let out a roar of pain as he made to get to his feet but the room was spinning and he quickly came crashing down to his knees, his hands springing out to catch himself. “Kevin?”, a muffled voice echoed through the locker room making Kevin feel the sick crawl uncontrollably up his throat. “Kevin, what happened?”, the voice sat next to him and squeezed his shoulder with a fierce grip. Kevin turned to look up at the voice and let out a whimper as Neil looked down at him in concern. “N-“, Kevin made to speak but that was enough for the bile to threaten to escape so he clamped his mouth shut; barely turning away as he emptied his stomach onto the floor. “It’s alright, I’m here”, Neil kneeled beside Kevin and rubbed circles into his lower back, resting his forehead against his trembling shoulder. “It’s over”, Kevin whispered as he stared absently at the contents of his own stomach. Neil shot his head back and glared at Kevin’s profile, a frown deeply forming, “what do you mean ‘it’s over’? With us..or- shit, Kevin!”, Neil’s eyes drifted to Kevin’s hand and back up to his vacant eyes, “did he do this?” Kevin didn’t answer as he watched his future shatter into sharp shards that tore his chest open and squeezed his lungs shut. “Kevin, look at me”, Neil carefully placed his hands either side of Kevin’s face and carefully turned his head to look at him, “did Riko fucking do this? And I don’t want you to lie this time”. Neil’s voice was venomous, an odd comfort that brought Kevin back to his senses. “Yeah, he-he didn’t like that I’m better than him”, he let out a weak laugh before breaking down and dropping his head onto Neil’s shoulder, “it’s over. It’s all over”. Neil clutched onto Kevin with all his might and shook his head, “you know that’s not true. You know you’ll pull yourself back up to the top, you’re so strong”. Kevin shook his head as a sob racked through his body, “I can’t, Testuji is going to throw me aside and I’ll be forgotten. They’ll probably kill me because I’m not useful anymore”. Neil gritted his teeth and let out a barked laugh, “they can fucking try but I’ll rip them apart before they even look at you”. They sat in the silence broken only by Kevin’s sniffles and shaky breaths before Neil cleared his throat, “look at me”. Kevin shook his head so Neil grabbed his chin and pulled his head up to look him in the eye, “I’m getting Andrew because he’ll help us but don’t fucking move until I get back, do you hear me?”. Kevin nodded and slumped against the lockers, watching Neil’s back as he slipped out the room.

He didn’t have to wait long before Andrew burst in with his medicated smile and manic laugh, “aww, Kevvie, did no one tell you not to bite the hand that feeds you?” Kevin groaned and sat up straighter eyeing the first aid kit that Andrew was throwing from hand to hand, “you’re not seriously going to try fix it are you? In your state?” Andrew cackled and dropped heavily to his knees in front of Kevin, “Aaron’s studying to be a doctor at Palmetto state, so that practically makes me a doctor too. I’ll help you”. Kevin snorted and looked away, “shit doctor he’ll be if he’s studying in that shithole”, he winced as Andrew slapped the bone that was sticking out of his hand. “I wouldn’t talk so snobbishly, if I were you. Me and Neil think that your behavior has been out of hand recently and we are saddened to say that we are sending you to boarding school to meet my twin”, Andrew smiled and looked up at Kevin’s confused frown, “pssst, it’s a joke. We’re sending you to go see Daddy Wymack at Palmetto”. Kevin shot his hand away from Andrew and hugged it to his chest, “I can’t go there, I can’t leave, you fucking know this! If the master knows I’m gone he’ll kill us all, Andrew. What the fuck are you and Neil thinking? And plus what if Coach Wymack turns me away? I cant just turn up at his doorstop and be like he-“. Andrew stuffed a ball of bandages into Kevin’s mouth and pulled his hand away so he could finish cleaning and dressing it, “you’re rambling and I wasn’t really listening, so I didn’t see the point in you wasting good oxygen”. Kevin tried to spit the bandages out but they were shoved too far back for his tongue to reach, “I hate you”, he muffled. Neil ran back into the room with his old battered duffel bag bursting at the seams with what looked liked clothes, “for fuck’s sake, Andrew. This isn’t caring for someone, it’s like you’ve taken him hostage”. Andrew shrugged and pulled a bottle of whiskey out from where he was hiding it in his jacket, “this might hurt”. Kevin’s muffled scream of pain made Andrew laugh as he rubbed the alcohol across the wound, “scream if you want me to press harder”. He held one hand up to his ear as Kevin screamed harder at the pain before pressed his thumb onto the bone. “Right, you’ve had your giggles, now fucking stop before he passes out”, Neil snapped as he slapped Andrew’s shoulder. Andrew shrugged before letting go of Kevin’s hand and began dabbing antiseptic cream lightly across the skin, “this will need stitches and, believe it or not, I’m not a doctor so I can’t do it”. Kevin whimpered and glared at Neil who rummaged through the first aid kit and pulled out dental floss. “It’ll work for now, but when you drop him off at the airport make sure that he calls the Coach at Palmetto, they’ll get him to hospital”, Neil handed a needle and the floss to Andrew who raised an eyebrow and took it skeptically. “If he gets an infection it’s on you”, Andrew muttered as he threaded the floss through the needle. “Mom used it on the run, he’ll be fine”, Neil moved to sit beside Kevin and he grabbed his good hand, rubbing his thumb across the knuckles, “trust me”. Kevin looked down at the redhead beside him and nodded, “I trust you”, he muffled, trying not to gag on the bandages. Neil pulled the bandages out of his mouth and brushed their lips together, “you’ll be okay”.

Kevin let Andrew pull him up when his hand was done being wrapped, now smelling of a mixture of whiskey and mint, making his stomach churn uncomfortably. “Right let’s go”, Andrew picked Neil’s duffel bag off the floor and hauled it onto his shoulder as he left the locker room, rightfully assuming that they were following behind. They made their way to the steps leading out of the nest when Kevin realized that Neil wasn’t behind him. “Wait”, he reached his right hand out and tugged on the bag strap, pulling Andrew off the bottom step, “we need to wait for Neil”. Andrew stared up at him and cracked his manic smile, “oh, did lover boy not tell you? He’s not coming, I’m dropping you off at the airport and then you’re on your own”. Kevin glared down at Andrew before turning on his heels and running back to the locker room where Neil was cleaning up the blood from the floor. “Tell me Andrew is just being a dick”, Kevin stood over Neil and pulled the washcloth from his hand. “I’m not going, Kevin, you know I can’t”, Neil stood up slowly and turned to look up at his trembling boyfriend. “Bullshit, why can’t you go?”, Kevin held tightly onto the cloth to stop his panic from shaking his hands. Neil sighed and shook his head as if Kevin were being the unreasonable one and placed his bleach covered hands either side of Kevin’s face, “this is your only chance in getting out of here. If we all go with you, you might not succeed and you know what the master’ll do to you. I don’t want you getting hurt more than you already are”. Kevin scoffed and tried to pull his head away but Neil tightened his grip, “stop being a dick and come with me”, the fear was beginning to make his voice shake and he hated how whiny he sounded. He didn’t want to lose Neil, he was the only thing that kept him going, that kept him sane in this hell. He knew that leaving the nest and leaving everyone behind would create a crack in their relationship, a crack that could easily turn to a break. Kevin placed his shaking hand on top of Neil’s and let his hot tears fall, “please, don’t make me go alone. I don’t want to leave you”. Neil grit his teeth and dropped his head, making to drop his hands but Kevin held them in place, “stop being a child, Kevin, you can’t always get what you want”, he whispered, his own hurt lacing his words. Neil didn’t want to let Kevin go alone either, but he needed him to be safe and this was the only way; the only way to keep his Kevin from being hurt further. “Neil..we can go together, you’ve got hiding skills and we’ll just run. We’ll never come back and-“, Kevin broke off as Neil pulled him down into a tear filled kiss. “Shut up”, Neil muttered into the kiss that was more a kiss of goodbye than one of love. He pulled away first and dropped his hands, turning his back on Kevin, “you need to leave before it’s too late. I got Jean to distract Riko, but he’s bound to know that something is wrong”. Kevin stared at Neil’s back and let out a shaky sob, “please don’t make me go alone, I hate being alone”. Neil dropped his shoulders and turned back to face Kevin, “we’ll see each other soon, I promise, just wait”, he pressed one last goodbye kiss against Kevin’s lips before pushing him out of the locker room. Kevin hesitated for a moment before turning and running back to meet Andrew who was leaning against a wall, just the orange glow of his cigarette visible, “come on then, Romeo, let’s get you out of here”, Andrew flicked his cigarette onto the black carpet and made his way up the steps. Kevin stamped the cigarette out and looked over his shoulder once more to look for Neil before following Andrew out and into the cold night.

[omg-im-such-a-masochist]

MAYBE IT’S CALLED FATE

Prompt: Request, by the ever so lovely @auawdo Thank you so much for your request, pumpkin! I hope you’ll like it

Word Count: Long

Pairings: Seth Rollins x Reader

Warnings: Angst, smut(implied), cursing

Tag: @marlananicole , @theworldofotps , @new-zealand-chic , @yungbludjazz360

Notes: This has gained Seth a bigger space in my heart 🥰 Y’all know the drill loves,sorry for misspellings,english isn’t my first language (bla bla bla),check out my other stories if you’d like to(it would make your girl here very happy 😊) You can check them out on my Masterlist. Okay,now let’s get to the fun part, shall we? Hope you’ll enjoy 😉

PRESENT DAY

Staring out the big windows that display the snowy weather of Davenport, Iowa. I retraced the journey that lead me here...

FLASHBACK - 8 YEARS AGO

“Y/N? Where are you, babe?”

From the bedroom I heard the loud thump of his duffel bag being tossed on the floor

“Oh, there you are! I’ve been looking for y- Are you ok?” He urgently asks, running to me

“Seth, I need to talk to you”

“Uh Oh, those words are an omen for bad news” He whispered

“Please, seat down” I ask and he oblige

“I have to do this quickly, like a band-aid” I murmur to myself

“What will you have to do it quickly, Y/N?”

“I can’t stay here”

“What do you mean? You don’t want to live in Iowa anymore? That’s ok, we can move to Florida if-“

“No, Seth... I mean, I don’t think we should be together anymore” I whispered with tears in my eyes

“You wanna break up? But why? Have I done something wrong? Because if I did I’m sure we can work it out a-“

“No...”

“You don’t love me anymore?” Seth asked with hurtful eyes

“I do, I do but-“

“I love you too, Y/N. So, end of story!” He huffed

“Seth, I wish there could be an easier way-“

“Why are you doing this? What changed your mind? Did you fell in love with someone else? What is it, Y/N?” Seth screamed

“I don’t think it’s fair ok? Babysitting while I’m injured is not fair to you, having to stay here waiting for you to come home is not fair to me, holding you back from enjoying yourself with other women is not fair to you and wondering if you have been sleeping with other women night after night is not fair to me. So let’s stop it before we hurt each other”

“What? First of all, I don’t babysit you, I TAKE CARE of you because I love you! Second of all I NEVER cheated on you and you know that. I FaceTime you every night until I fall asleep, just so we don’t feel lonely, because I know how hard this can be! I’ve been on your shoes...And for the record, you’re the one who’s hurting me with this breakup bullshit thing”

Seth tugs on his hair from frustration, pacing around the room

“I’m sorry, but is for the best Seth” I caress his beard, memorizing every feature of his face

“These are the painkillers, the stress and the injury speaking not you...It’s not you, right baby?” He asked in despair

“I’ll always love you Seth, you’re an incredible man and someday you’ll find a very lucky girl who deserves you”

“No, I want you! You deserve me” He grabs my suitcase, trying to pull it out of my hand “You’re not leaving, I won’t allow it. You’re not going anywhere” Seth tugs on the suitcase.

“Seth, please don’t do this” I beg

“No” He sobs “Please don’t do this to me, please don’t leave me, Y/N. I need you, I love you, I can’t live without you” Seth grabbed my face softly in his hands “Please tell me that you’re kidding me, that this is a prank...Please Y/N this can’t be true. Tell me you still love me, that we’ll be together! I can’t-“ Seth began to cry uncontrollably

“Shhhh...I’m sorry, baby. You’ll be fine. I promise you, you’ll be ok” I try to comfort him

I laid with him on his bed one last time, enjoying his bearded cheek on my chest one last time. Running my fingers through his hair gently, reassuring him that it will all be fine. When his sobs were replaced by a soft snoring, I stand up from the bed, covering Seth’s body with a blanket. Pecking his lips for the last time, I grabbed my suitcase, slowly closing the bedroom door and leaving behind what it used to be my home.

FLASHBACK - 7 YEARS LATER

The last thing I wished was see him again, the last thing I wanted was to end up in SmackDown with him and of course that God was in his jokester mood today and decided to deliver me this little joke called fate.

“Y/N? I can’t believe it!” Roman ran to me, giving me a bear hug and successfully spinning me around the arena’s hallway.

“Oh Lord, calm down you Samoan beast! Jesus” I laughed loudly

“I didn’t knew you were back! Why didn’t you told me?”

“I didn’t wanted to draw to much attention” I trailed off

“Because of Seth?” Roman asked and I just gave him a sad smile as an answer

“You can’t hide forever, Y/N. You know that, right?”

“I know... I just need a few days”

“Or not” Roman said, pointing with his chin at someone behind me

I felt his presence before I could see him

“Y/N?”

I turn around to meet his gaze, it had a mixture between surprise, pain and...love?

“Hello, Seth”

“Oh my God, it’s been so long” He reaches his arms for a hug but ended up changing his mind “What are you doing here?”

“I needed a job, so” I laughed lightly

“I thought I would never see you again”

“Looks like destiny has other plans” I mumbled

......................................................................

For the next two weeks I bump into Seth everywhere I go: arena, hotel, gym, convenience store, liquor store, diner, bar, even at a club’s bathroom line! The chemistry between us was still there, awake. Even after all those years my body called for him like some sort of drug. And I would be lying if I said that I didn’t wanted him back, not just for the sex but for everything else.

I’m at the local Starbucks when I meet him again (it’s the fourth time today), I had to put an end to this so I decided to talk to him about everything that happened in the past.

“Sure, we can talk about it” He shyly answered

We chose a hidden bench at the local park to sit down

“Thank you, for agreeing with this”

“It’s fine, Y/N” Seth weakly smiles

“Well, first of all, I would like to apologize to you. For everything I did back then...I wasn’t thinking straight and I don’t know what took ahold of me to have made such a dumb decision”

“And it took you 7 years to realize that?” He asked, sounding hurt and mad at the same time

I shook my head “No, to be honest with you, I regretted my decision when as soon as I got home”

“Why didn’t you called me then?”

“Because I thought you would be angry at me, wouldn’t want to see me or talk to me. The mere thought of you rejecting me was unbearable” I whispered

“And how do you think I felt?” Seth spat “Do you think it was fun for me to wake up and find out you were gone? I called you Y/N, I texted you, I called your brother, your sister, even your mother! I sent you emails, I went to your house, I tried everything I could to get you to talk to me. Just so at least I could get some type of closure, but you never gave me that opportunity. You shut me off, pretended I never existed, erased me from your life and now you expect me to do what? To welcome you back in my arms? To say that I missed you and that I was waiting for you all those years? Is that what you want? For me to stop my life completely just so you can enter it again and ruin it again once you decide you‘ve had enough of me?”

The only thing I could do was to remain silent, I knew Seth and I knew that sooner or later he would end up lashing out and saying everything he always wanted to say for those past 7 years, so I just sat there and took it like a big girl even with the tears rolling down my eyes. Afterall, I was the one who brought that to myself.

“I can’t do that, I gave you too much power the first time and I will not give you the same power again! When you left I hit rock bottom Y/N, my life was partying, booze and pussy. I almost lost my job because of that! Do you know how many nights I spent awake thinking of you? Crying over you? Trying to understand what had I done wrong for you to leave me like that? Do you know how many women I fucked thinking about you? Wishing they were you? Wishing to wake up in the morning and find you laying there by my side? Wishing that it was all a nightmare? Now you come here, 7 years after the shit storm and say that you’re sorry and that the thought of me rejecting you was unbearable so you just left? You know what, Y/N? Fuck you! Fuck you and your shitty apology, I don’t need this bullshit! I’m better without you, now I can fuck whoever I want, whenever I want. Without having to worry about their incapacity of having a relationship because of their stupid and childish commitment issues” He stood up and left

And now, by the irony of fate, I’m the one who gets abandoned now.

......................................................................

I got his message that day in the park, he doesn’t want to talk to me, so I do exactly that. I leave him alone. I never met him at random places anymore after that day.

It has been a month since I came back and any hope I had of settling things with Seth went down the drain.

I’m finishing zipping up my duffel bag when someone knocked on the locker room door

“Yeah? It’s open” I screamed

“Hey, can I talk to you for a second?”

My heart stopped when I heard Seth’s voice

“Hi, umm sure. What’s up?” I ask

Seth closed the door behind him

“Can we sit down?” He points to the small leather couch

I nodded, sitting down by his side

“I wanted to apologize to you” He started “The things I said to you that day at the park were unnecessary, I should’ve dealt with it in a better way”

“It’s ok, Seth. We both know I deserved” I weakly smile at him

“No, you didn’t! Even though I was confused and hurt, I didn’t had the right to do that to you. I truly am sorry”

“It’s ok, buddy. Apology accepted” I patted his knee and he holds my hand there

“I’m going to ask you something, but I need you to be completely honest with me, ok?”

“Of course”

“Do you still love me?” He asked and my whole world stopped

I looked down to my feet and honestly answered “I never stopped loving you, Rollins. No matter how hard I tried”

His only response to me was a cheerful grin.

1 YEAR LATER - PRESENT DAY

“What are you doing staring out the window, baby? It’s fucking freezing! Come back to bed” Seth’s arms circle around my waist, trying to pull me back to bed

“I’m enjoying the snowy morning view” I chuckled

“Meh” He scoff “I have something more interesting for you to enjoy if you come back to bed with me” Seth smirked

“What possibly could be nicer than this view”

“Hmmm, I don’t know...maybe something thick and warm that slides in and out of you, maybe?” He bites my neck and I can’t help the little moan that escaped my lips

“That sounds fun” I grab him through his boxers, teasing him

Seth moans “Oh you’re gonna regret that”

He picked me up in his arms right before tossing me back onto his bed....

Please if you’re comfortable with it let me know your thoughts on this? Feedbacks are always appreciated 🥰😘

[avintagekiss24]

listen before i go > bucky barnes

|| pairing: bucky barnes x black!reader

|| word count: 6,630

|| warnings: angst, heavy angst, smut, sex, bucky barnes’ trigger words, cock warming if you look close

|| square filled: @star-spangled-bingo​​ SSB2020 N5: needy clingy sex

|| square filled: @buckybarnesbingo​​ C1: angst

|| summary: you and bucky just can’t say what you want to say.

|| link: ao3

|| note: sad boi hours are still commencing. this one is gonna hurt, dudes. please heed the warnings. i think i said i don’t like posting on sunday’s, and here i am posting two sunday’s in a row. what are ya gonna do? title inspired by billie eilish’s listen before i go. don’t hate me!

line divider by @writeyourmindaway​​

Tears leak from your eyes. You cover your face with your hands as he shoves his clothes into his old duffel bag. Say you’re sorry. Don’t let him leave!

“Bucky-”

“Don’t,” he says curtly, zipping up his bag and throwing it over his shoulder, “You want me out, I’m leaving.”

You don’t want him out. You don’t… or do you? Yes. You do. That’s what you told your friends. That’s what you told yourself. That’s what you told him. He has to go - he has too. This isn’t working... right? Emotion wracks your body again as he storms past you. Your shoulders shake as the sadness consumes you. Your face breaks, your heart sinks, your cries clog your throat, choking you. 

You don’t follow him. 

-

Bucky stops at the door of your apartment, his hand on the knob. He turns his head, just a little, listening to you cry. He closes his eyes, cursing himself. He doesn’t want to leave. He doesn’t want to leave you. He should give it up - running around the world, fighting aliens and robots and god knows what else. He’d give it up for you, he would. He should. 

He walks out the door and slams it behind him.

----------

It’s been a while, maybe three weeks? Four? You’re not really sure. You’ve busied yourself to keep from thinking about him. You signed up for a cooking class, and a dance class, and picked up a few extra shifts at the bookstore you volunteer at sometimes - just to stay busy. It’s worked for the most part. Between work, your friends, and your new hobbies, you barely have time to think about Bucky Barnes. 

That’s a lie. You know exactly how long it’s been. Four weeks. You think about him - not often, this part is true - but you still think about him. Mainly at night, when you’re alone in your big room and your big bed. It’s weird to you now, your bed. Foreign. You never realized how big it was until he wasn’t in it; the whole room really, it’s just so big. 

The two of you never made it official, moving in together, but he was there more often than he wasn’t. His broad, heavy body weighing down the mattress, or barely fitting in the shower, but you loved having him here. You always felt safe; consumed by all things him when he was here. Now it’s just empty - quiet. Just you and your little house plant, that he picked out, of course. You just didn’t have the heart to throw it away. 

Just like you don’t have the heart to throw him away - his memories. 

Not yet. 

Not entirely. 

That’s why most nights you stare at your phone, your thumb hovering over his name. You’ve tapped it a few times, his name, but always panic as soon as it starts ringing. You tap on the little red phone and throw it into the chair in the corner of the room. You roll over, away from it, just in case it illuminates from an incoming call or text and stare out at the moon, until the emotion just can’t be held back any longer. 

You’re lying again. You cry yourself to sleep most nights. 

So, this is why you make yourself busy.

----------

It’s been awhile. Four weeks, two days. The girl behind the bar looks like you, kind of. Well, enough to remind Bucky of that soft, warm smile of yours. He remembers it like it was yesterday. It was usually in the morning when you’d give him that smile. You’d have your face buried in the pillows and sheets, little slivers of skin poking out from underneath here and there. He loved to watch you sleep. 

He’d do anything to be able to wake up next to you again. 

Anyway, it was usually early, early in the morning when you’d smile at him the way that bartender is smiling at him now. You’d be half asleep, not really coherent enough to even know who you were smiling at, but you’d shift next to him - curl right into his body, and just smile. Softly. Sweetly. Then you’d take a breath, a deep one, tighten your grip around his waist and fall right back asleep.

He’d fall right back asleep with you. 

“You doin’ okay?” The bartender asks, smiling at him again. 

Bucky drops his eyes to the glass in his hands as he spins it slowly. She doesn’t look like you up close. He picks up his drink and finishes off the last drops before he slides it in her direction, “One more.”

She winks at him, “You got it.”

She’s flirting with you, Bucky. He used to not care when women were flirting with him. If he’s telling the absolute truth, he still doesn’t - he should. It’s been four weeks and two days after all. 

She’s not you. 

She kinda looks like you, smiles like you, but she’s not you. 

He doesn’t want a similar version of you. 

He wants you.

She slides the now full glass of whiskey towards him, Bucky catching it with just the tips of his fingers. He can feel her eyes on him as he lifts it to his lips and takes a slow sip before he nods slowly, staring at the glass. He slides his eyes towards  the flirtatious bartender and smirks, “I’m Bucky.”

“Tamera.”

----------

It’s Friday night, so that means it’s sushi class night. Steve decided to come with you this time, he’s been trying to get Sam to try it for the longest time - figured, maybe Sam would feel a little more comfortable with it if Steve made it. You and Steve have always gotten along really well, which surprised you because, you know, he’s Steve Rogers; rigid and uptight. He’s not that uptight, Sam’s still working on the rigid thing, though. 

The two of you have been having fun. It’s nice seeing Steve be not-so-good at something for a change. Your phone buzzes in your back pocket, but your hands are sticky and covered in rice, so you bounce off to the sink to wash them quickly. You pull out your iPhone, expecting to see a text from your sister, MJ, but find a notification from Apple News.

Avengers bad boy, Bucky Barnes,…

Your lips part as you read his name. You glance over your shoulder, you’re not really sure why, as if everyone’s eyes are going to be on you because you're reading up on your ex-boyfriend. You take a breath. You shouldn’t care what Avengers bad boy, Bucky Barnes is doing, but you want to know what Avengers bad boy Bucky Barnes is doing. God, you hope he’s not hurt. 

Don’t look. It isn’t your business anymore. You turn on your heel, shoving the phone back into your pocket, but can’t seem to take a step away from the sink. You just - fuck, maybe he’s hurt. He’s probably done something stupid again, he just got that new arm not three months ago. Shuri is gonna kill him. 

It’s still not your business, even if the fucker is hurt. You still can’t move. You place your hand on your back pocket, feeling your phone, debating with yourself. You shouldn’t fucking care - but you do. So you pull it out and tap on the notification, taking you to the original TMZ article. Your blood runs cold. 

Avengers bad boy, Bucky Barnes, seen leaving an uptown bar with mystery woman 

Your mouth goes dry as you read down the page. Your breath hitches in your throat when you get to the pictures. His fingers curled in hers as they move down the street. Smiles on their faces. Then his arm is over her shoulders. Then -

You blink back the sudden flood of tears furiously as your chin starts to tremble. He’s kissing her. He’s got her up against his apartment building, his hands cupping her face. Her eyes are closed and his head is tilted - his body is crushed up against hers - just like the two of you used to do. He used to pull you close, so tight into his body as the two of you would wind your way through the city. Then, right when you turned the corner onto his street, he’d whirl you around him, and push you up against the building. He’d push his hands up your shirt, pinching, grabbing, his lips crushed to yours. 

Now he’s found someone else. He’s kissing someone else the exact same way he used to kiss you. You can’t help but read on, seeing the pictures of them leaving together in the morning - hand in hand again. It’s over. All the nights you’ve spent staring down at his name on your phone, trying to call him, wanting to call him… you should have called him. Maybe he wouldn’t be with her. 

It’s over. 

You and Bucky are really over. 

“Hey,” you don’t even really hear Steve when he walks up to you, “Hey, you okay?”

He follows your eyes to the small screen in your hands and tips it towards him, clearing his throat as he skims the last few lines of the article, “Lets not - come on, let’s take a break, huh?”

He ushers you outside and immediately draws you into his chest, rubbing your back, resting his chin on the top of your head, “Oh, honey.” He sighs softly as you sob. 

It’s really over. 

----------

It’s Friday night. No, actually it’s Saturday morning; 2:32am. Bucky sits on the edge of his bed, his head hanging as he rubs his forehead with his hand. He picks his head up just high enough to glance over his shoulder at the sleeping woman behind him. Tamera. It’s the second night in a row that he’s had her and she’s still not you. 

She doesn’t feel like you - her body, her mouth. She doesn’t sound like you, she doesn’t move like you… she’s not you. No matter how hard he tries to pretend that she is you; she’s not you. He blinks and hangs his head again as his thumb hovers over your name in his phone. He needs to hear your voice, especially now. He wasn’t… ready for this. He wasn’t ready the first time, but he forced himself and hated it. He forced himself again tonight and not only did he hate it, he hates himself. 

He should have called you weeks ago. 

He should have texted you and apologized and asked if he could come back because that’s all that he really wants; to just walk through your front door, back into your apartment and your shared life as the proud parents of a small plant. He should have called you weeks ago. If he had, he wouldn’t be here right now, with Tamera in his bed, pain in his heart, that nagging voice in his head. 

Call her now. Tell her you’re sorry. 

He shouldn’t care. He shouldn’t feel bad right now. He did what every other person does, he moved on. He shouldn’t care about what you think anymore - but he does. He knows how you feel about these kinda things. You weren’t this kinda girl, the one who just goes home with some guy named Bucky after eye fucking him for half the night. Not that you’re a prude, not that you shame anyone, it just isn’t you - these random hook ups. 

He liked that about you. That you were kind of old school. Reminded him of the good old days, back in the thirties. Innocent dates, sneaking little kisses so nobody would see, those little giggles that filled his ears when he pushed a little further every time he saw you. He’s always enjoyed a little chase. He enjoyed chasing you, and when he finally caught you, he still found himself fantasizing about you. Every damn day.

Even now. Even with someone else underneath him, he still thought about you - he had to, or else he couldn’t have… 

He bites the inside of his lip before he lets out a deep sigh. Your name stares up at him from the soft lighting of his phone. He needs to hear your voice. He doesn’t want to be in this apartment, in this bed, with this woman. He just wants to be wrapped up in your arms, curled around your little, warm body, his fingers pressed into your flesh, your warm breath splashing over his face. 

He swallows. His thumb starts to tremble as he holds it over your name. 

Call her now. Tell her you’re sorry. 

He closes his eyes, “Fuck.”

He cuts his eyes towards the nightstand, staring at it until it doesn’t even look like a nightstand anymore. 

He throws his phone into the chair in the corner of the room.

He stands and moves into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him before he flips on the water of the shower, turning it as hot as he can. 

He’s gotta get that woman’s smell off of him.

----------

It’s been four months since that Friday night sushi class. You’re now a sushi rolling expert - which, you are pretty proud of. You got a promotion at work. You have a kitten. You and MJ have a Hawaiian vacation coming up over Christmas. Things are… brighter, to say the least.

There’s still moments. You’ll be at work, or waiting in line at the coffee shop and a brief thought will streak across your mind. I wonder what Bucky’s doing? You don’t think about it for long - not anymore. You’re finally starting to get to the point where you really don’t care. You made the right decision that night, asking him to leave. That life - his life - wasn’t one that you wanted to lead. You didn’t want to have to hide away in some upstate safe house every time some villain got wind of your romance. 

You didn’t want to stay up all night long, worrying about him as he kicked and punched his way through aliens or robots or whatever the hell decided to come to earth that day. You don’t want to waste days waiting for him to drag his tired, beaten body out of bed after returning from a mission. That life wasn’t - and isn’t - for you. You made the right decision. 

“Here you go, doll,” the barista says, smiling as he hands you a vanilla Frap.

Doll. You haven’t heard that in four months. You smile widely, “Thank you.”

You head back out onto the street, sipping on your coffee as you turn up the music to your airpods. The Cottage on the Beach, from the Atonement soundtrack. One of your favorite movies. It’s tragic, but beautiful - the movie, the soundtrack, and your life. You’re getting to the beautiful part, you’re sure of it. 

You’re heading back to your apartment after getting lucky at work and having two of your afternoon meetings canceled. Instead of taking the train, you decided to walk - another way of keeping yourself busy. You turn down fifth avenue, also deciding to window shop on the way home, and slow your pace as you move past Saks, eyeing a gorgeous pair of pumps in the window. They would look great on your feet while dancing in Hawaii, that’s for sure. 

You stop, pulling out your phone to take a picture to send to your sister, when a voice sounds behind you, stopping you in your tracks. 

“Hey.”

You snap your eyes from your phone to the window in front of you, almost too afraid to turn. You take a breath, shifting your eyes around the glass window as if you aren’t exactly sure if you heard it or not, you are listening to music after all. Maybe you - 

“Hey, can you hear me?”

You turn quickly - and there he is. Blue eyes, fluffy, short hair, stubble covering his cheeks and chin. The leather jacket that you loved so much on his broad torso. He’s slimmed down a bit, but he always did fluctuate, unlike Steve, which you always thought was kinda weird. 

He smiles at you, a wide smile, the one that makes his eyes crinkle on the sides, “Hey, I thought it was you. How are you?”

You nod quickly, “I’m um, I’m fine. Hi,” you laugh a little.

“You look… great,” he says, looking you up and down, “Really great.”

“Thank you,” you answer softly, tilting your head down as you tuck some of your hair behind your ear, “You.. you look nice too.”

He shrugs, tearing his eyes from yours to glance off across the street, “Ah, you know. I’ve lost a couple pounds.” 

You nod again, “Yeah, I can tell.”

He snaps his eyes back to yours. You stare at each other for a couple of seconds, both of your minds racing, wanting to say so much. 

I miss you. 

I love you. 

Please let me come home. 

Please come back. 

----------

Bucky blinks at you as you duck your head away from him again. Steve’s words play back in his mind from all those months ago. You didn’t see her that night, Bucky! She was crushed seeing those pictures. Crushed. He couldn’t get the word out of his head for weeks afterward. Crushed. You were crushed seeing those pictures. 

He never wanted to hurt you. He should have known better. He shouldn’t have left the hotel with her. Fuck, he shouldn’t have went to the hotel bar in first place. He should have called you, like he wanted to. Maybe, the two of you could have avoided all of this. 

Now that he has you here, he doesn’t want you to leave. It’s awkward between you. He watches as you shift nervously, not able to keep your eyes on him for long. Constantly pushing at your hair and then tugging at your blouse. It makes him sad. He doesn’t want you to be nervous around him - unsure of him. He still doesn’t want you to leave, though. He’ll deal with the awkwardness.

“Do you wanna get a drink?” His mouth moves before his brain can keep up with it. 

He watches as you shift again nervously, sucking your bottom lip into your mouth, “No, I -”

“Please?” He’s nearly begging, “Just,” the words drop away as he runs his hand through his hair, “So, we can talk?”

“There’s not really anything to talk about, Bucky.”

----------

You end up in the bar of the Marriott Hotel with him. He could always talk you into doing shit you didn’t want to do - because after a while, he always made you feel safe. He wouldn’t let anything hurt you, so you just did what he asked you to do. He orders a bourbon, you get white wine. You both sit at the bar, facing straight, not looking at each other, your wine glass placed at your lips, his fingers tracing the rim of his glass. He takes a drink and sits the glass down softly, bowing his head. 

“I’m sorry,” he says simply, after a while.

You finally turn towards him, “For what?”

“For,” he shrugs, “I shouldn’t have - I don’t know. I’m just sorry, for everything.” I’m sorry for leaving you. 

You look back down at your wine glass and your fingers, “You don’t have to apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong.” I should have asked you to stay.  

“I could have been more discreet. Those fucking paps are everywhere, I gotta remember that.” Please forgive me. 

You shrug a little, you should have known Steve would tell him, “It’s,” you dip your head, “It’s okay. We’re adults, we can… do whatever we want.” I forgive you. 

It grows silent between the two of you. You’re both looking at each other now, eyes bouncing back and forth. His eyes then slip down to your lips and fixate on them for a few seconds before they move back up to your wide eyes. Then, suddenly, his large hand is on your cheek, his thumb rubbing along your bottom lip. 

His hand is so warm. 

You blink as his hand caresses your face - gently. Just like he used to. He tilts his head a little as his lips part, his thumb still dancing over your bottom lip. His eyes still bounce, softly, between yours, reading you, just like he always could. His eyes dip again to your mouth, and his lips, they, they quiver - just slightly. His fingers wrap around the back of your neck and he’s pulling, pulling you into him. 

You moan into his mouth almost as soon as his lips are on yours. It’s so familiar, his lips, his mouth, his tongue. For the first time in months, you finally feel like yourself. You lean into him, kissing him back, humming and moaning. It gets desperate - quickly. To the point where he’s standing, both of his hands cupping your face as he kisses you hard. Your hands slide around his waist to pull him closer as you inhale him. 

He pulls you up on your feet and pecks your lips once, twice, three times. He grabs your hand and pulls your towards the front desk, lacing his fingers with yours as he asks for a room. Your heart pounds in your chest and ears as you rest your head against his back, shielding yourself from the clerk’s prying eyes. 

Bucky digs in his pocket, grabbing his wallet and throwing his card down before scribbling his name on the receipt. The clerk slides the key cards in Bucky’s direction with a smile and drops his attention back to the small computer in front of him. He’s seen this too many times to care. 

You keep your fingers twisted with Bucky’s as you wait for the elevator. Neither one of you look at each other as you stare at the illuminated numbers as they descend. The doors open as the soft ding sounds and you both step on, Bucky slamming his finger on the round number ten. Neither one of you say anything as the metal box carries you up into the hotel, slowing and then stopping at your floor. 

You let Bucky guide you down the hall, stopping at room 1022. He presses the card against the reader and the door clicks, popping open slightly. Bucky pushes through, pulling you with him, only letting your hand go to close and lock the door behind you. You walk into the room, your eyes scanning. Your eyes land on the bed. It’s a big bed. It looks soft. 

You inhale sharply when you feel Bucky’s chest crush against your back. His fingers slither around your waist as his lips press against the back of your neck. You close your eyes and push your hand up and into his hair as you let your body melt into his. You tilt your head towards the ceiling as he starts to sway the two of you back and forth slowly, his tongue sneaking out from behind his lips to lap at your warm, sensitive skin. His metal hand moves up into your shirt, inching along your skin until it cups your breasts firmly, making you moan, really moan for the first time. 

You love that arm. 

His digits push into your bra, rolling your nipple softly as his teeth sink into the crook of your neck. You jump, grunting deeply as your body tightens. God, it’s been so long. 

His free hand snakes down to your jeans, popping the button and pushing down your zipper. It slithers in, his flesh sliding into your panties and between your slick folds. You jolt forward at the sensual touch, bent at your hips as his fingers start to massage your sex. Your mouth hangs open as you draw in ragged breaths, your hips pushing forward, anticipating his next stroke. He bends forward with you, groaning into your ear as he rubs your clit - quick - just how he knows to do. 

He pushes his fingers inside of you and you push back up straight, reaching back to pull on his hair. He pumps them hard as he pinches your taut nipple, his breath hot and heavy against the side of your face. He pushes his hips into your behind, wanting you to feel him, feel how much he wants you - how much he’s missed you. 

He tugs on your earlobe with his teeth and you whimper. The pain mixing with the pleasure his fingers bring. You don’t want his fingers any longer. You want him, all of him. You want to scream his name as he fucks you into the mattress, hour after hour. You want to drag your nails down his long, sinewy back. You want to feel his cock stretching you, spreading you, spearing you. 

Bucky apparently wants the same. He could always read your mind, it seemed. He pulls his hands away from you to strip you down, tossing your clothing to the floor without a care. He pushes you onto the bed once you’re exposed and bare, flipping you onto your back by your ankle. He pulls you down to the edge of the bed by your calf and pushes his knees into the mattress as he starts to disrobe himself. 

You sit up, wrapping your legs around his and bite down in your bottom lip as you send your eyes up to his. You place your hands on his hips, raking your fingers down his back as soon as his polka dotted shirt falls to the floor. You drop your eyes to his hands as his fingers start to fumble with the thick belt holding up his black jeans. You moan a little as you watch him, his skilled fingers moving slowly - - dropping the belt to the floor with a thud before popping the button and pushing down the zipper. 

You hiss when his jeans fall. Dark hair peeks out over the band of his Hugo Boss boxer briefs and you can’t resist any longer. You lean in and press your plump lips to his warm skin, placing soft kisses along his sculpted stomach, breathing in his scent. He lets out a deep breath as his metal fingers skim over your shoulder and cup your chin softly. He pushes his index finger into your chin, pushing your head up so the two of you can link eyes once more. Your lips part as you stare up into his stormy eyes - blinking only when his thumb sweeps over your bottom lip. 

He kisses you quickly, holding your chin all the while. He pulls away, but not far, his lips still brushing the tip of your nose as his eyes move around your face. He always did like to look at you. He cups the back of your head and lays you onto the mattress, spreading your legs with his knees. You hold onto his shoulders as you fold your legs around his waist, hooking your ankles together as you feel him start to press at your opening. 

When he pushes, and you start to spread for him, you slam your eyes closed and dig your nails into his thick flesh. You whimper as he sinks into you slowly, his weight pushing you into the mattress. Once you’ve swallowed him - his hips are flush to yours - you wiggle your hips and push your heels into the small of his back, wanting him deeper, even though it isn’t possible. 

Agonizingly slow, he pulls out of you - his mouth dropping open as he watches. You wrap your hands around his forearms as he withdraws, and then plunges back in with a little force. You push upward with the thrust, releasing an airy grunt as he fills you back up. He kisses you again, hard, desperate, as he starts to fuck into you, his hips pushing and pulling with a rhythm all their own. 

You’ve always loved the way Bucky fucks you. It was instant, from the first time that the two of you were together, he just knew you; knew what you wanted, what you liked. It’s kind of dirty, the way he fucks you. Even when he’s being sweet, and gentle, it’s still a little obscene - crude. The darkness in him comes out when he fucks you. You wouldn’t have it any other way. 

He’s ruined you for other men. 

Your hips dig into the mattress with each of his deep thrusts. You’re loud, grunting and mewling within minutes - he feels so good. He always feels so fucking good. You keep your eyes on him as he watches you, his eyes shifting from your eyes to your mouth, then down to your bouncing tits. He’s always loved them too. He cups your left breast with his metal hand, squeezing gently as he runs his tongue over his teeth. He leans down and sucks your tit into his mouth, swirling his tongue over your hard nipple. 

He bites down and your hips jerk into his as you gasp, pushing him deeper. You yelp as the pain and the pleasure rip through you, making your toes curl and your fingers jab into him even harder. 

“God,” you rasp, your face twisting with lust as he drills into you. 

You shut your eyes again and you get a flash of her. His arm thrown over her shoulder, pulling her into his body. The smiles on their faces. His body crushed up against hers in front of his apartment building. You fling your eyes open, gasping a little as your mind starts to race. Don’t do this. Not now. Please. Just -

He probably fucked her just like this. Just how he’s fucking you right now. Your scent is gone from his sheets, his pillows, replaced by hers. You focus in on the ceiling as the intrusive thoughts pull you out of the moment. 

Your lips part. 

Your chin trembles. 

----------

Bucky’s missed you. Your body, your noises, these perfect, pretty tits. He’s dreamt about this since the night he left your apartment - having you again. Making you scream. He pulls your breast into his mouth, sucking on you just how you like. He bites down and you buck into his cock, driving him deeper into your pussy and he shudders. You feel so goddamn good around him. 

“God,” you rasp, your full voice hitting his eardrum just right, drawing a groan out of him. 

He releases your nipple with a smack, leaning back up and resting his weight onto his palms that press into the mattress on either side of you. He feels your tight grip loosen, just a tad, your shrieks get quiet and then disappear all together. He sends his eyes back up to yours and his hips halt instantly. 

You’re crying. Your small hands cover your face as your body is wracked with emotion. All of the air is sucked right out of the room. What’s worse, is that he doesn’t even have to ask why. He just knows. Bucky exhales as his own face twists at the sight. He pries at your hands, trying to pull them away from your face, “Baby,” he whispers, “Don’t. Don’t cry. Please, baby.”

He watches as you turn away from him, pressing your face into the pillow, still trying to hide, “Baby,” he tries again, his voice shaking, “Look at me.”

He pushes your head to face him, his own emotion choking up in his throat. He shakes his head, his breath getting shaky, his eyes filling with tears, “I’m sorry.” He whispers as his own tears start to fall, “I’m so sorry.”

He drops his forehead to yours and kisses you hard, “Baby, I’m sorry.” He sobs, “I’m sorry, don’t cry. Please don’t cry, baby.”

I never meant to hurt you. Just say it. I never meant to hurt you, I love you. 

Say it, Bucky.

Just say it. 

“Stay with me, baby,” he whispers, wiping away the tears that streak down your cheeks, “Stay with me, stay here. Please.”

I love you.

I love you.

I love you. 

Say it!

----------

Bucky kisses you hard, “Baby, I’m sorry.” He sobs, “I’m sorry, don’t cry. Please don’t cry, baby.”

You can’t help it. It’s just different now. He’s not - yours anymore. You have to share him with her. Your face is wet with your tears and his, your body crushed to his body as he holds you tight - so tight. He begs you not to cry, not to think about it, to stay with him, here, in this moment. You want to. You just want to feel good again. You want to feel like yourself because God knows this has been the most alien four months of your life. 

You grab his face in your hands and kiss him, moaning into him as the sobs still wrack your body. You just want to feel good. You want to stay. I want to stay. You rock your hips into his, trying to coax him to move again. He does. He pushes his hips into yours as he kisses you again, his lips plump and salty and soft from the tears. You wrap your arms around his neck and close your eyes as he nuzzles into the side of your face, still murmuring his apologies.

His hips push harder and faster, like he wants to fuck the sad right out of you - and right out of himself. He keeps his face buried in your neck, his hands underneath you as he cries and you cry, your dull orgasm starting to gain steam. You push your fingers into his back as his muscles tense and flex. You cup his ass, squeezing his flesh as it bounces with his hips. 

You feel his teeth on your skin, nipping and nibbling before he rests his forehead to yours again. His mouth hangs open, his hot breath washes over your face as his lips tremble softly. You slam your eyes closed and just give in -  into him, into the emotions, into the sadness, into the moment. 

You squeeze your legs around him and let it consume you. You come, hard, your body shaking, your toes curling, your breath hitching as it courses through your veins. You cry out, your wails filling the room as Bucky continues to slam into you until he too succumbs to the pressure. You feel his cock throbbing inside of you, jumping with each spurt of cum. He fills you up, up to the brim, stuffing you full of his seed. 

He collapses on top of you, his sweaty skin sticking to yours. You run your fingers along his spine as his breathing calms and his body starts to relax. He stays tucked inside of you, his cock warm and still stiff. This was always your favorite part. Sure, the fuck was good, but this is what you crave. The closeness. The stillness of him. His skin pressed against yours, his weight holding you to the bed. The feeling of his heart beating against you. 

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

Say it.

----------

You didn’t say it. 

You should have, but you didn’t.

You did say that you would meet him for dinner, so that the two of you could talk, really talk this time. You’re nervous, but you’re here. Despite not understanding why you wanted to come, MJ helped you get dressed, soothed your nerves. She told you to call her if you need her - I owe that metal armed asshole a punch in the mouth. 

-

You tap your fingers against the table, biting the inside of your cheek, glancing around the restaurant as you wait. Your foot dances underneath the table with nerves. Why are you so nervous? You know him, you love him. You just need to say it. Just fucking say it and this will all be over. There’s no need to keep living like this when you don’t have to. You want him, you need him. You just need to tell him. 

-

You nibble on a piece of bread. You check your phone again. He was supposed to be here. Twenty minutes ago, Bucky was supposed to be here. You wring your hands together harshly, pushing your thumb into your left palm over and over again. Your eyes dart around the restaurant and focus on the door. 

He’ll be here. He’s just… running late, is all. He’ll - he’ll be here. 

-

You check your phone again. No call. No text. He was supposed to be here, forty minutes ago. You close your eyes and rub your forehead, trying to push back the emotion that threatens to spill out. It didn’t mean anything. You whimper as the thoughts start to race around your head. Last week meant nothing to him - he used you. No. No, that’s - that’s not the Bucky you know. He wouldn’t do that to you. He wouldn’t, he’s just - Fury kept him late today, is all. He’s coming. 

He is. 

-

You push out into the night an hour and twenty seven minutes later, tears rolling down your face as you bring your phone to your ear, “MJ,” you sob, “He doesn’t love me anymore.”

“What?” You barely hear her, “What did he do? Where are you?”

“He doesn’t love me anymore.” You openly cry, “He never showed up. He doesn’t love me anymore, MJ.”

----------

“Bucky!” Steve shouts angrily, pushing through the front door of his friends apartment, your cries and MJ’s seething voice still ringing in his ears, “Goddamn it, what in the fuck do you think you’re -”

He stops in his tracks. His eyes skirt around the empty apartment as he stands perfectly still. Steve snaps his eyes towards the floor when a soft light illuminates from it. He moves towards it, bending to pick up Bucky’s phone. Five missed calls, two voicemails, one text message, all from you. 

I fucking hate you. Don’t ever come near me again. 

Steve’s eyes scan your message as his lips part. He glances towards the bathroom. The light is still on. He squints as he picks up on the sound of the water from the sink still running. His eyes fall on Bucky’s wallet that still sits on the nightstand before he eyes the phone in his hands again.

He turns on his heel and rushes out of the apartment, taking the stairs two by two, “Sam,” he says as soon as the sleepy man answers the phone, “Something isn’t right.”

----------

Bucky slams his head back in the cold, metal chair that he’s strapped down to. He pushes his arms against the clamps that hold him in place, but no matter how hard he tries, he can’t break free. 

“Longing. Rusted. Seventeen.”

“Please don’t.” Bucky begs, tilting his head towards the ceiling, “Please don’t do this.”

“Daybreak. Furnace. Nine.”

Bucky screams as he starts to struggle, twisting and turning, bucking and fighting against the clamps around his wrists and stomach. He’s not strong enough. He can’t break them, “Please!” he screams, “Please don’t! Please!”

“Benign. Homecoming. One.”

He starts to sob. He slams his eyes closed as he tries to remember your face. Your smile. Your smell. Your soft skin against his. He should have told you he loved you. He should have begged you to let him come home. He should have never left you. 

“I love you.” He says aloud, “I love you baby, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He cries, the tears streaking down his cheeks, “Please don’t hate me.”

I love you!

I love you!

I love you!

“Freight car.”

Bucky blinks. 

Tears still roll down his cheeks, but he isn’t actively crying anymore. He hears a pair of boots walking slowly around him, the soft thwump of a book closing as the mysterious man approaches his side. 

“Soldat?”

“Я готов отвечить.”

Ready to comply.

[talkfastromance4]

stuck with u-- calum hood oneshot

a/n: hii! so this came outta left field but I went with it. based off of ariana grande’s song with justin bieber. very loosely edited, but yeah, I hope you like it :)

word count: 4,111

warnings: mentions of quarantine, a break up, sweet moments, male receiving oral, female receiving oral, spitting, unprotected sex, funny sexual moments

Masterlist

Feedback is always welcome and enjoy! :)

• • • •

She came over to return his box of things, giving herself a pep talk before she did. It’s a few days before their new album releases and two weeks before touring begins. They always had an expiration date, this she knew, but she hadn’t put into consideration how badly it would sting.

Like any normal couple, they had their ups and downs with minor arguments here and there, but their stubbornness was the same. Neither one of them wanting to give in first left them each brooding in their separate corners until the bell struck for another round of heated words then they’d stalk off to their respective corners again.

It was a cycle that kept cycling until her eyes filled with tears or the steam finally sizzled out from them both. In exchange of heated words were the remaining apologies, words of kindness, and a conclusion to whatever their fight had been about.

She’s at a stoplight, Halsey’s magical voice surrounds her in her car, and she glances to the box in the passenger seat. A small notebook lays on top that holds small poems or songs he wrote for her, about her. It was given to her on her birthday, but she couldn’t keep it now, not when their time is up. Next to the notebook is his green Empathy hoodie she stole awhile ago and on top of that is a small stuffed bear he won at a fair.

A car horn pulls her from her reverie, and she continues the familiar roads to his house. After dropping off his things and getting hers back from him, she was heading back home to spend time with her family so the back part of her car was full of duffel bags and her pillows.

She stares at his house, suddenly it seems so daunting as memories swim in her head. Countless nights of wandering through the front door after a night out or at Michael and Crystal’s for a small party. Mornings of coffee and breakfast created by him filled with whipped cream and syrupy kisses. Her eyes sting with tears and she shakes her head quickly. She promised herself she wouldn’t cry another tear over him.

She checks her phone to see a comforting message from Crystal of good luck and a safe drive home with many heart emojis.

“You can do this; you can do this. In and out and he’s behind you,” she mutters to herself then grabs his box of belongings.

Before she can ring the doorbell, he opens it and Duke is barking at his feet, jumping up on the glass trying to get to her, his fluffy tail wagging joyously at her return. Her heart falls, she’s going to miss Duke a lot. Calum opens the door.

“Hey,” he greets, his voice gruff and scratchy. She hopes he’s not starting to get sick; he needs to rest—

She stops herself short, it’s not her concern anymore.

“Hi,” she says quietly and enters the house. Her shoulder brushes his chest, they both tense and his aftershave invades her nose. The smell of him and him alone brings back more memories of cuddling by the fire, snuggling on the couch, walking up behind him while he’s making dinner and burying her face between his shoulder blades.

Duke continues to vie for her attention as she moves into the kitchen. The news is on with the volume down low, numbers and the word ‘China lockdown’ traveling across the bottom of the screen. She sets the box down on the counter with a thump then squats to her knees to give Duke a proper hello and goodbye.

“I’ll um, go get your stuff. Help yourself to something to drink.”

“I’m gonna miss your cuddles, Dukey,” she whispers to the old dog and kisses his nose. He licks her chin in return.

She stands and waits, not even bothering to get a drink because she doesn’t plan to stay long. Why does he want to prolong their goodbye? She leans against the counter waiting for Calum’s return and she realizes she’s in the same spot from months ago where she tried to prepare him dinner for once.

He was being exceptionally affectionate, lifting her arm so he could press his lips to her wrist then slowly down to her elbow—

“I think I have everything,” his voice startles her from the good memory. “I made sure you didn’t leave any of your books behind.”

“Thanks,” she gives him a grim smile taking the box from his hands. Their fingers brush, his heat always made her forever cold fingers warm. A shock ran through her fingertips.

The pair stare into their boxes respectively, shuffling through memories of their relationship.

“This isn’t mine,” Calum holds up the small notebook of songs and poems. “I gave this to you as a gift, Y/N.”

She stares at the book of words in his hand, words of love and light reserved for her only.

“I can’t keep it, Cal,” she whispers, eyes pooling with tears. She tries to blink them away and on instinct Calum moves forward. She backs up into the corner of the counter. “No, don’t. Please.”

“Y/N…”

“It’s hard enough, Cal, all right? I know our time was limited,” she crosses her arms over her chest, “but I’m still hurting and I’m probably going to hurt for a while longer.”

“You think I’m not hurting, too? This was—is the hardest breakup. I’m hurting, Y/N, I am.”

She risks a glance up at him to see the wounded look in his eyes. Calum shifts forward, his hands cradling her face gently in his palms, his forehead pressed to hers. She dares not to move, because once she touches him then it’s all over. There’s no way she could recover from that.

“Look at me,” his lips kiss her forehead, another stab at her heart. She shakes her head. “Baby—”

The news anchor’s voice interrupts their moment declaring the state of California has issued a lockdown effective immediately. No one is to leave their homes for any reason, no going to other houses, no contact with anyone. The world shut down and now they’re stuck together.

**

It’s awkward at first, moving her things from her car into his house. She decided to stay in the guest bedroom, no matter how badly she wanted to crawl into his bed and never leave. He was on the phone with the guys and management discussing what this means for their album release and tour well late into the night while she contacted her family.

She could do two weeks with her ex, nothing tricky about that, right?

She was wrong. The first week was rough, they bounced around each other like meteorites trying not to collide. When he’d walk around the house shirtless she had to force herself not to stare. More memories and the ache to run her fingers over his tattoos was too strong. They ate in separate rooms and tried to remain separate as much as possible.

She watched the live he did with the band for their album release, listening along with them and crying at songs she knew Calum wrote. Small nods to their relationship tugged at her heart.

The second week things were looking up because she would be leaving soon. The smell of him would linger on all of her clothes a lot longer now, but she needed to get out. She needed to get over him and that’s hard to do when you’re stuck under the same roof.

Plans had changed yet again, and she’d be with him a lot longer. Tour has been cancelled and in the process of being rescheduled as much as it can be. Calum has been stressed; she feels it radiating off him one morning while he’s sat at the kitchen table. His coffee cup is still full, his shoulders hunched to his neck from stress.

Without thinking, she moves behind him and rubs at his shoulders. He jumps at her touch but then relaxes into her touch, letting her remove the stress that she can from his muscles.

“D’you want to talk about it?” she asks softly.

“Not really,” he shakes his head then sighs. “There is something I’d like to talk about though…”

“Yeah?” her thumbs rub up his neck into his hairline, his blond hairline that he re-dyed for the wildflower music video that never got filmed.

“Can we talk about us?” he asks. Her hands still their motions in his hair.

“What about us?”

He spins around, her hands falling from his warm skin. He takes her hand in his, fingers linked together like so many times before, his brown eyes captivating her. He swallows harshly.

“We’ve got all this time on our hands, might as well cancel all our plans we had and spend it together,” he says.

“Even if it’s just you and me?” she strokes his cheek with the backs of her fingers.

“I can’t fight it anymore,” he shakes his head. “I thought it was hard before but it’s even harder now with you here. I don’t want to let you go.”

“So…what does this mean exactly?”

“It’s just you and me,” he rises to his feet taking her other hand in his. “It means whatever we want it to.”

“Let’s have a date night, a new start,” she offers.

“That sounds good,” he smiles.

At around six o’clock, they meet in the kitchen wearing comfy clothes. Something they both agreed on to make the night even easier and more comfortable. She had on one of his shirts with shorts and socks that went up to her knees. He had on basketball shorts and a blue t-shirt; he remembers how she likes him in blue.

They were making dinner together, homemade pasta with sauce to match. A bottle of wine was opened, and their glasses were filled with the sweet nectar.

“Remember when we got poured out at the festival with Mike and Crys?” she laughs while stirring the sauce.

“We were so muddy,” he joins in her laughter. “Your hair was sopping but you looked adorable all muddy.”

“You wouldn’t join me in the puddle,” she nudges him.

“Because I didn’t want to get sick and guess who was in bed for four days with a cold?”

“Yeah but you took care of me,” she grins.

Calum takes her hand that doesn’t have the spoon in her hand and lifts it to his lips. With his eyes trained on hers, he kisses her fingers, kisses the center of her palm, then her wrist.

“I’d do it again, you know,” he murmurs on her skin. Goosebumps rise on her neck and all the way down her body. “Take care of you.”

Their eyes lock and the mood changes, the sauce bubbles as they lean in closer, closer, and closer still until—

The timer on the oven buzzes signifying it’s ready for the garlic bread. Calum sighs, gives her wrist one more kiss then returns to his task at hand. She’s left flustered and warm while she stirs the sauce then adds the noodles into the boiling water.

During dinner they had another glass of wine and joked about more memories together, dreams they wanted to do with one another. Unlike the first week she was there, their chairs were pushed as close as they could be at the table. Their plates were empty, and his arm was on the back of her chair.

“We should just rent a small camper and travel along the coast,” he says rubbing her neck with his thumb.

“Maybe we can afterwards,” she chuckles wiping off pasta sauce from his cheek. “When we can leave the house again.”

“Good point. So, since this is a first date, now it’s time to dance.”

She quirks an eyebrow up. “Dance? I’m in a t-shirt and knee-high socks.”

“Perfect dancing outfit come on. Up you get, little lady,” he tickles her neck as he rises from his chair. She giggles at his touch then is pulled from her own chair by his hand.

“There isn’t any music,” she laughs falling into his chest.

“Oh shit, hang on. Hey Alexa, play the Y/N playlist,” he says.

“Playing Y/N playlist on Spotify,” Alexa responds, and Ariana’s voice fills the house.

“You have a playlist for me?”

“Of course,” he grins then dips her down. She squeals from the sudden rush to her head as she’s tipped backwards, but Calum would never let her fall.

He pulls her back up, both of them giggling as they dance in the kitchen. Her fingers play with the hair at the nape of his neck, it’s getting longer and shaggier by the day. His curls are coming back, and she’s been itching to play with the soft twists.

“I’ve missed you,” he confesses.

“I missed you, too,” she whispers. Their eyes meet just as Justin Bieber’s voice croons in the speakers.

“My plan when you came over was to try and get back together, you know. Even before all of this happened, I was going to ask if you’d wait for me to come back from tour. I wasn’t going to let my stubbornness push away the best person that’s happened to me.”

“Cal…”

She cups his cheek the same time he leans down and presses his lips to hers. An electric surge courses through them as their kiss deepens. He grips her waist then lowers his hands to her ass giving her a hefty squeeze. She gasps at the contact and he slips his tongue in her mouth. Calum spins her around, lifting her up so she’s seated on the counter.

Her legs wrap around his waist, accordingly, pulling him as close to her as possible. The song changes to Lover of Mine just as his hands creep under her shirt. His fingers skim her skin, thumbs brushing over her soft nipples that turn hard upon his touch. He groans, giving her breasts a firm squeeze before lifting the shirt from her body.

Their eyes lock, lips red from their kiss. She traces his lower lip and he’s quick to duck his head down to suck on her neck. She gasps when his hand cups her sex, his thumb rubbing her core through the fabric while his mouth descends to her breasts. She bites her lip, but a small moan escapes her as he sucks on her nipple, his thumb moving in tantric circles.

“Calum…Cal…please…” she begs in a whisper, her fingers tightening in his hair.

Getting her message loud and clear, he lifts her in his arms, lips assaulting hers as he makes his way to his bedroom. He kicks the door shut so Duke doesn’t interrupt then drops her to the bed. She giggles and he laughs along with her yanking his shirt off. She removes her shorts and panties the same time he drops his shorts to the floor.

She’s quick to grasp him in her palm, stroking towards herself, looking up at him. He touches her cheek affectionately; it’s been so long since they’ve had each other this way.

“Love the way you look at me like that,” he mumbles, his thumb rubbing under her eye.

A smile flickers on her lips before she suctions them around his tip. Calum’s eyes close sequentially but he forces them open so he can watch her, another love of his. Her tongue swirls and rolls the only way she knows how to do before taking him further in her mouth.

Calum groans at the warmth of her mouth, he brings his other hand to her cheek, watching her eyes close as she concentrates. Flashes of her like this flood his mind, from their first time, to the time they snuck away at Ashton’s house because he was wearing that suit she loved him in so much she had to have him right then.

When he reaches the back of her throat, he snaps back to the present and moans from the sensation. She takes him that deep again and he holds her face tighter.

“Up, up, up, up,” he orders pulling her off him. As much as he loved getting head from her, he loves returning the favor more. “Lie back, baby, legs up.”

She licks her lips, swiping her thumb over leftover spit which is insanely hot and pushes herself to the center of the bed. He follows her hungrily, pushing her ankles up and to the side so she’s open and pliant for him, only for him.

He keeps his eyes on her as he kisses her thighs, nibbling his teeth every now and then with his thumbs rubbing her ankles softly. She situates the pillows behind her head so she can have a better angle to watch him. She loves to watch as much as he does.

“Ready?” he asks, and she giggles, nodding quickly.

He flashes her a wink before closing his mouth on her clit. She moans on contact while he sucks then transitions to flicking his tongue at the nub, teasing the tip of his tongue in her hole sporadically. He loves pleasuring her with his mouth, he can feel her moans on his tongue as she drips for him. Her hands fly to his hair guiding his mouth to where she needs, and Calum lets her use him.

He pulls away a fraction so he can gather his saliva then spits it on her core, watching it dribble to her entrance before he slurps it back up with her arousal. Her moans are sinful at the action, her hips moving with his motions, moans getting louder and louder until she gasps out his name in one breath. Her legs go rigid in his hold as her orgasm crashes into her.

“That’s my fucking girl,” he grunts, swiping his tongue up and down, up and down until her body relaxes. He looks up already meeting her gaze, chest heaving from the bliss. “Ready for me?”

“Always,” she nods.

They move quickly, situating themselves in the right way. He holds her ankles until he’s hovering above her, then lets go so he can grab hold of his shaft then slaps it against her pussy in a teasing manner. She moans at the contact, her legs falling open wider. Calum rubs her temple with his thumb nearest her head as he nudges himself between her folds.

Her mouth opens like it always does when he inserts himself the first time, he slips right in and they moan together at being connected once more. He rests his other hand on his bed, and she lets out a squeak.

“Ouch! On my hair, move, move, move!”

He lifts his hand spewing out ‘sorry, sorry!’ quickly as she readjusts herself. They’re giggling and he bends down to kiss her, she wraps her arms around his neck. She shifts her hips slightly underneath him in a rocking motion, but he wants more of her lips.

“If I’m going to do all the work, I should have been on top,” she teases jutting her hips up once more.

“Yeah? You want to be sassy right now?” he hums pressing himself into her more, she lets out a choked moan.

“You going to fuck me right now?” she hums in the same tone, smirking against him.

Calum growls then pulls himself out of her only to plunge with force right back in. She screams out his name as he starts a rapid rhythm, hips snapping against hers, the bed shifting with his movements. Her head tilts back as her back arches so she can take him even deeper.

Calum sucks onto her breast, fucking into her swiftly, her wetness has him moving faster and faster until—

“FUCK!” he groans when he slips out of her entirely and thrusts into her thigh. She’s laughing above him, and he curses lowly to himself again. He glances up to see her giggling behind her hand. “Think it’s funny, huh?”

“Am I that wet?” she laughs poking his nose. “That’s your fault you know.”

“I take that as a win, baby,” he sighs teasing her hole once more with his cock. He grins up at her. “No one makes you as wet as I do.”

“Hmm, you’re not wrong,” she smiles then wiggles beneath him.

“You want more?” he teases pressing his tip in slowly, she bites her lip.

“Please,” she whines.

“You have to keep your legs still, so I don’t slip out again,” he breathes then pushes in once more.

He finds his rhythm from before, her body arching the way he loves but he feels her legs shift. He growls then pushes them up to her chest, he plants his knees to the mattress, her ass cheeks resting on his thighs.

“What’d I say?” he pants, and her eyes roll at his tone and the angle he has her body in. he jack hammers into her, his balls slapping her thighs.

She squeezes the pillows next to her head until her knuckles are white, her cries of pleasure are music to his ears as he feels her clench around him. Sweat builds on his brow and his chest and he’s damned to have her orgasm as many times as he can. Her eyes close as her second orgasm hits, she’s pulsing around him in such a good way it makes him ache.

When it’s over, he releases her legs so he can pound into her with his waist. He holds her to his body, face buried in her neck so he can leave marks on her skin. She’s coming once more, chanting his name in his ear and he groans at the sound. She kisses his ear, teeth grazing his lobe as a new orgasm rolls into the next.

Feeling his own release approaching, he shifts again. This time he moves backwards pulling her with him so they’re in a sitting position. He wraps her legs around his waist, her body is heavy against his from the tumultuous pleasure he’s giving her. Calum’s arms snake around her back, it’s sticky with her own sweat and he licks into her mouth the same time he starts thrusting again. Her ankles lock behind his back, she hides her face in his neck at the new angle.

“Look at me, baby, please,” he begs tugging at the hair by her neck. He holds her in place, their eyes meeting, her mouth falling open with their thrusts.

His movements slow to a more tenacious speed, still full of passion but with a layer of love and adoration. Calum moves his hand from her waist so he can anchor himself to the bed, thrusting his hips quicker. She helps as much as she can, her body is nearly spent but she wants to feel him cum inside her, hear his moans and see the bliss in his eyes.

“Come for me, Cal,” she pants, “come for me, baby…”

His hips jerk and he releases his orgasm inside her, his hips move lethargically, milking his climax for as long as he can but their eyes stay locked. When he’s finished, they both let out a long sigh, knocking their foreheads together. Their breath is hot on each other’s faces, sweat beads roll onto each other’s skin, a mixture of him and her.

They stay in the position, legs crisscrossed, arms wrapped around one another, heartbeats slowing from a rapid pace to syncing together. After a few more moments, they disentangle, and Calum has to help her walk to the bathroom. She can already feel the soreness in her lips, but she’s missed the pleasured ache.

They brush their teeth, she uses the toilet, then crawl into bed together. She’s already passed out as soon as her head hits the pillow and Calum draws designs along her back until he falls asleep as well.

The next morning, they wake later than intended but give light kisses in the morning sun.

“I love you, you know,” he tells her caressing her face. His eyes litter over the small marks on her neck and breasts he gave her.

“I love you, too.”

“Are you all right being stuck with me?” he grins pulling her leg over his hip.

“Lock the door and throw out the key,” she grins capturing his lips between hers.

“It’s just you and me.” He moves to roll on top of her, but she pushes on his chest lightly so she’s on top.

“I’m stuck with you,” she whispers, kissing him as she grinds herself on top of him.

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[her-world-on-fire]

It Was All Yellow {Jason Todd x Reader}

MASTERLIST

REQUEST HERE

Word Count: 2,424

Request: Jason or Damain finding you, the happy girl, singing a sad song and crying while on patrol. If possible, do you think the song could be If I Could Ride a Bike by Chevy? Thanks, you're a godsend <3

A/N: Sorry if this wasn’t what you imagined, hope you like it anon!

I LISTENED to the sound of own heartbeat. It echoed loudly, and I looked over at Jason, fearing he would wake at any moment. He had fallen asleep almost as soon as we got to the apartment. I didn’t blame him, almost every night he was working himself to death. Crime rates increased with every new vigilante. The work never seemed to stop. No matter how much we tried it seemed like Gotham was the same as we left it the night before. I watched as his chest slowly rose then fell. His face was expressionless, his usual smirk was gone.

Jason was sore, I could tell by the way he moved he was in pain. He tried his best to hide it, but I noticed it. I noticed that he hot showers to try and ease the pain. The steam flowed from under the crack over the door, and found its home on the mirrors and walls. Every night before he went to sleep he would sneak into the kitchen and take ibuprofen. I could hear the pills rattling inside the bottles, and his hushed footsteps as he hurried back into his room.

This was the most peaceful I had seen him all week.

His head was resting on my lap. I pulled the blanket over him as gently as I could. It was only 8pm, he needed to sleep to recover. I didn’t have to worry about the boys waking him up. Jason had insisted on getting his own place. He knew I never felt quite at home in the manor, and let me stay with him.

I turned off the TV and leaned against the arm rest. I wanted to try and get some sleep too.

I woke up to the sound of Jason’s phone ringing. I looked around, and he wasn’t in the living room or the kitchen. My best guess was the shower. I grabbed his phone, it was Artemis. I bolted to the bathroom. “Jason!” 

I reached the bathroom door and he immediately swung it open. He looked over at me. “What? Are you alright?” I held up his phone.  He looked at the caller ID. “Oh shit.” He took his phone, and answered it, bringing it to his ear. “Hey.”

I looked at Jason, his hair was still soaking wet. The water dripped from his hair down to his neck, them his chest. He had his towel wrapped around his waist. I motioned I was going to go into the kitchen. And he nodded and closed the door. He spoke quietly. A few moments later I heard him move into the closet.

Artemis.

Artemis was a former teammate, and from the way Dick told it, they were more than that. I tried my best to push the negative thoughts out of my head. I started making breakfast when I heard a loud crash. “Jason?” I moved away from the kitchen and into the hallway. I heard rustling coming from inside his room. “Jason? Are you okay?” The door opened and Jason emerged with a duffel bag. “Have you seen my holster?” He didn’t look at me as he zipped up his duffel bag.

“It’s in the laundry room.” He moved past me and to the laundry room. He didn’t speak. He moved back and forth between the rooms collecting his things. “I paid this months rent. Alfred will continue the payments on my behalf just in case.” I blinked in shock. A month’s rent? Just in case?

“You’re leaving?” He stayed silent. He looked over the apartment, trying to make sure he didn’t miss anything. Finally he looked over at me. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.” He reached for the door and paused. He mumbled something under his breath. He turned back to me and pointed a finger.

“Don’t go out on patrol alone.” With that, he was gone.

------------------------------------------------------------

Dick had noticed a change in Y/N’s behavior. Normally, Y/N was the highlight of patrol. Constantly positive and bubbly, it made the night go much faster. But since Jason left, Y/N was quiet. No more humming, the laughter that had once illuminated the night was gone.

Not even Dick knew why Jason was gone. It was Jason didn’t want any backup, it was something he needed to do alone. He didn’t want to risk Y/N getting caught up in his mess. He was sending updates to Jason but he wasn’t sure that he was getting them. If Jason wanted to be alone, he knew exactly how to do it. He cut off all forms of communication and was consumed by the job. It had been 2 weeks and he was silent. No one knew where he was. No one knew if he was even alive. Roy informed Dick that Jason had stopped by for supplies. But he hadn’t heard anything since.

Whatever he was doing, he was sure to hide it. No news reports caught wind of his activities. For his sake, Dick hoped that Jason was on the right path. The last time Jason broke his promise to Bruce beat him until he was almost unrecognizable. Jason had even remarked he had never seen him hit the Joker as hard.

There was an insatiable anger in Bruce. He had trusted Jason to operate in Gotham under the condition he wouldn’t kill anyone. Then Jason went on national television and nearly killed Cobblepot, by shooting him point blank. The boys were at a loss, neither of them knew what to do. Bruce insisted on dealing with it himself. Jason only got away because Roy saved him. Dick wasn’t sure how they would stop Bruce this time.

-----------------------------------

Jason slung his duffel bag across his shoulder. He released a sigh as he stretched. He had been driving all night to get back as soon as possible. He had a lot of explaining to do. He had received all of Dick’s messages.

Let me know you’re alright.

Tim can’t track your location, just check in.

Jason we haven’t heard from you in 3 weeks.

Y/N’s not doing good.

He felt guilty for just leaving, but he had to. He knew that if he gave explanations then Dick would try and talk him out of it. It would give Tim more time to figure out how to track him. More importantly he knew if Y/N had asked, he would’ve stayed.

Jason entered the apartment. After being gone for so long it seemed almost foreign. There were a few noticeable changes. The curtains that were almost always drawn open to let in the sun were shut. More importantly it looked empty. Almost as if no one was inhabiting it.

There was no evidence of dirty dishes, no laundry, and everything was spotless. It was too clean for anyone to be living here. When he opened the fridge his suspicious were confirmed. There was no food. It was almost empty, apart from a case of water. He sighed, Dick was right. Things were not good. He looked around the apartment, trying to find any hint of where Y/N went.

The only thing missing, was a single outfit.

Y/N’s suit.

Jason decided to visit all the patrol spots he knew. Each one of them came up empty. Just as he was about to give up, he heard something. Jason stopped. He faintly heard a voice in the distance. It was barley audible, but he somehow caught it. He tried to find the source, he walked towards the stairs. It had to have been coming from the roof top. As he got closer, he heard an accompanying soft piano.

“If I could sail a boat I'd cruise across the sea. A sweet adventure for us two. I'll be Jack and you rose.”

The voice began to falter, there were so many emotions just begging to be released. Jason didn’t want to interrupt, in fear of the voice stopping. He didn’t walk completely up the stairs. He was mesmerized by the sound. He stayed at the bottom steps, as quietly as possible. It took him a while to process that he knew the voice.

It was Y/N. He had not ever heard Y/N sad. He continued listening as the voice grew louder. “Just please don't let me go. Cause I'll be nothing without you.” The desperation made Jason want to make his presence known. He wanted Y/N to know that he was there. He wanted to help, more than anything. He slowly walked up the stairs. “Oh when you call me, I'm drifting on clouds. Like I'm dream-ing.”

“But in the morn-ing, I'll wake up and see that you’re stuck here with me. If only you knew what I would do for you I'd jump up and hold you so tightly.”  With every verse, the voice grew softer. There was more sadness in each line. He listened carefully to the lines, trying to piece together the information. Each line made it apparent, unrequited love.

-

“But I will never be able to do these things, so I'm just left imagin-ing.”  As the song ended, I finally let all my emotions go. No one knew where Jason was and I was beginning to give up hope. I was sitting on the ledge of the rooftop. Police scanners were quiet. There were no distressed civilians. For once it seemed like Gotham was having a good night. Jason wasn’t here to see it. I moved to get up, in search of something. I had been trying to distract myself as much as possible with work. I couldn’t stand being inside the empty apartment anymore. For the first two weeks I stayed in hoping that one night Jason would come back and everything would be okay. But by the third week, it was evident he wouldn’t be back any time soon. When I did sleep, I stayed with Roy. We had been working together to try and track Jason but it appeared he had learned some new tricks.

I heard a creak come from behind me. I turned around immediately, but there was nothing there. I was about to venture down the stars when I heard something. “Hey.” I froze. That voice. I turned around and saw Jason. He was in his street clothes. He looked drained. There were a few small cuts and some bruising on his face. I moved closer to him, and let out a breath I had been holding in. I was relived he was okay, but I was angry at him for leaving.

“I didn’t know you were back. I didn’t even know if you were-“ I couldn’t bring myself to finish the sentence, but he knew. “I went to the apartment and it was empty. I noticed your suit was missing. I figured I would find you out here.” He moved closer and wiped the tears from my eyes. “How much did you hear?” I asked nervously. I was hoping he arrived after I had finished but by the look on his face it was apparent he didn’t.

“Almost all of it.”

“I don’t even know where to start.” He paused, “I can’t tell you how sorry I am. I just disappeared.” I nodded and thought back to each restless night. Not knowing was the worst part. “A long time ago, someone really bad got away. I lost his trail, but I’ve been keeping tabs on him. He resurfaced and I couldn’t let him get away again.” He put his arm around me, “But I won’t ever leave you like that again.” He placed a kiss on top of my head. Silent tears streamed down my face and I took in his warm embrace.

“Let’s go home. The boy’s have this covered.” I looked at him in shock. He had never called the apartment home. He always said that it was just somewhere he slept. He had never felt that it was home. “I thought the apartment wasn’t home?”

“It’s not home without you.”

We got back to the apartment and Jason reached for the door. He opened the door and I moved to turn on the lights. I stopped, the table was lit by candles. The floor was scattered with rose petals. It was nothing like how I left it. It felt comforting again. “I had Roy bring your things back.” He shut the door behind us. “It’s perfect.” I turned around and wrapped my arms around him. He ran his hands through my hair. “Come on,” He took my hand and led me to the bathroom. It was lit by a few candles. The bath was set with warm water. “I know you haven’t been here much and I thought you would appreciate it.”

“I’ll be in the bedroom, when you get out.” He placed my towel and some clothes on the sink and departed.

Once I got out I followed the petals into the bedroom. The bedroom was back to it was before. Jason had left a mess when he left, and I left a mess moving back and forth between Roy’s. Everything was neatly put away. Jason by now had changed out of his street clothes and into his sleep wear. He was laying down staring at the ceiling. Once I closed the door he looked over. “How was it?”

“I haven’t done that in a long time.” I moved to the bed and joined him. He opened his arms and I put my head on his chest. “Are you okay?” I looked up at him and examined his face. The darkness hid the severity pretty well. Now in the light, it looked worse. “You should see the other guy.” I shook my head and laughed a little. “Really, I’m okay. It’s not as bad as it looks.”

“Prove it.” He leaned over and kissed me. It was soft, and needy. After weeks, it finally seemed like it was going to be okay again. He pulled away and pulled me closer. He pulled the covers over me, and kissed my forehead again. “Get some sleep babe.”

“How are you?”

“Better, now.” He ran his thumb across my cheek, “I’m so sorry.”

And for the first time in weeks, I slept soundly.

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WELCOME HOME (Frankie Morales x Reader)

Welcome Home

Scenario Series

Frankie Morales x Reader

Words: 1236

Warning: angst, swearing, Mentions death, killing

Authors Note: No because Triple Frontier infuriates me and Frankie Morales deserved better 😢 Enjoy - K

“Francisco!”

“Just trust me please,” he says, standing by the front door with a giant duffel bag hanging over his shoulder.

You were trying to remain calm as you held your guy's newborn baby in your arms. You didn’t want to wake them up. Frankie had sprung that he was working an operation with the guys only mere moments ago.

“Frankie, you can’t just up and leave!”

“It’s a quick operation with the guys and I’ll be in an out of there and home to you and the baby before you know it”

“Can you at least tell me where you’re going and what you’re doing?”

He remained silent. You knew what that meant. It was something under the table. Your blood began to boil.

“No! No- you promised me you weren’t going to do this anymore! That you were done- Frankie we have a baby- you can’t be doing reckless shit-

“The guys need me-”

“We need you!” You shouted, the baby started the stir in your arms and began to wail. You fix the baby’s position, holding the baby vertically and clutching them close to your chest.

Tears form in your eyes. “We need you…”

He drops the bag on the ground and makes his way over to you. He hand caresses and wipes your check as tears begin to fall. “Honey”

“Please…Just stay...with me… with us” you whispered, staring up at him.

“I promise I’m coming home. I'm not going anywhere. I’m going to return safely home to you, and our baby...I gotta do this, please just a trust me”

“Fine” was all you managed to say as tears continued to spill from your eyes, the baby still crying.

He pulls your face for a kiss, then takes the baby from your arms, cradling them. The baby automatically stops crying as Frankie holds them.

“Be good for your mama” he smiles down at his child.

He lifts left arm up slightly, bringing the baby head close to his lips to plant a kiss on their head.

“I love you”

Your heart wrench looking at your partner and baby, hoping this wouldn’t be the last time they would see each other.

You shake the negative thoughts out of your head, as Frankie gives you back the baby and kisses you one last time.

“I love you both so much”

“Just please come home to us”

“I promise”  he places a kiss on your forehead. He heads back over to the door, he picks up the duffel bag. He turns back around at you and the baby once last time before he heads out the door.

…

A week felt like an eternity without Frankie around. A week alone with your baby, with no help, you were beyond exhausted, mentally and physically. Sleepless night, constantly getting up to feed the baby every few hours and worrying about Frankie.  You tried not to dwell on it too much because your baby needed you. You need to be strong for your baby.

Your baby was sleeping soundly, swaddled in your arms. You finally got them to sleep. You placed them down into the crib and turned on the baby monitor that sat on a nightstand next to the baby’s crib, and quietly made your way out of the nursery.

You made it into the living room by turning on the other baby monitor.

You heard his truck pull up the drive away. You look out the window, parting the blinds. He sits in his car for a few moments before stepping out.

Your chest began to heave. All the emotions you tried to suppress to focus on your baby came flooding out. You felt an array of things. You were relieved he was home safe, but angry that he left you and the baby, not knowing where he was or when he was going to come back. If he ever goes back it back.

You quickly go to the door and step outside. He looked relieved seeing you stand here, a smile on his face. You and the baby were all he wanted to see after one fucking rough week. Frankie almost died, he hurt people, none of the guys listened to him and tom died… all for money. Money that he didn’t even end up taking in the end. Through all of that you and the baby were all he could think about. The thought of you two was what made him survive it all. He just wanted to be in your arms.

“YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE” You shouted from the porch. He stood at the bottom, his smile slowly fading.

“Well that’s not the welcome home I was looking for-” he frowned. He didn't blame you for being upset.

“A week Frankie?! I’ve been worried sick! You said you and the guys would be in and out- not take a whole week!”

“I’m sorry- things didn’t go as planned- everything went south-” his voice began to shake.

You began to off on him. You let him have it.

“That’s all you have to say?! You’re sorry?! Unbelievable! You left us alone Frankie! Not telling me where you went or when you’d be back- What if something had happened to you huh? What if you died? You leave me to raise our baby alone and fatherless? Never seeing you again- never know what ha-”

Frankie began to sob uncontrollably. You’re never seen him or heard him cry like this before. It was full of pain and remorse. The sound of him crying pained you.

“Frankie” you gasped, your eyes widening in shock.

He kept hysterically crying. His hand covered his face as he cried harder and harder.

“Frankie, baby” you quickly rushed to him, taking him into your arms. He pulled you in tightly, clinging onto you for dear life, desperately trying to pull you close to him as possible. He hid his face in your neck.

“Frankie… shhh it’s okay” you whispered to him. trying to calm him down, you ran your fingers through his curly locks and rubbed your hand over his back.

“I’m sorry- I’m sorry” he sobbed. His throat was tight and burned.

“Breathe, Frankie You need to breathe... deep breaths” you started to take deep breaths and he followed along with you.

After a few minutes he was able to regulate himself.

You both still held each other right, none of you intending to let go anytime soon.

“T-things went south…the whole thing was a bust..” he sniffled, his voice still shaking.

“I did terrible things- thought we weren’t going to make it home”

Tears flowed as he scratched the surface on what he endured.

“I thought of- you and the baby the whole time… I did this operation for us, the baby but it all for nothing- whole thing fell apart- I’m sorry I’m so sorry ”

“I know whatever I say isn’t going to take your pain and guilt away from what you face out there, but you’re safe okay? You’re home with me and our baby and that’s all that matter right now”

You pull away holding his face in your hands. His eyes were puffy and red. You wiped his tears away.

“I love you so much” you say.

“I love you too” he whispers.

You pull his face towards yours, kissing him softly. You both rest your head against each other.

“I’m so glad you’re home”

MT: @icanbeyourjedi​ @sara-alonso​ @greeneyedblondie44 @hb8301 @alberta-sunrise @spacenerdpascal @ryleyrooroo @reader-s-cantina @nikkixostan

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Tangled Webs - Chapter Seven (Dark! Peter Parker x Reader)

Dark Webs Masterlist | Tangled Webs Masterlist

Warnings:   Angst, language, Topics of death and depression, PTSD, more angst, violence, a bit more fluff and smut than the last series (but not in this chapter)? Somewhat ignoring the MCU timeline due to mature content

Word Count: 4825

Summary: After doing your best to walk on eggshells around Peter, you finally reach the boiling point as you and him face (most) of your drama head on…

A/N: It’s been a hot minute but I’m back with an update. Hope ya’ll didn’t forget about this series like I did lmao. I hope you like this chapter and give me some sweet words because I missed it so much! DM me to be tagged and I hope you guys like it!! Please like and share if you can! (Also I found this .gif on google, so if you made it, or know who did, let me know and I will credit!) Thank you xx -N

You barely slept the last few days as you trapped yourself in your apartment in Stark Tower since the incident. You were sick, with no possible form of treatment and to boot, you almost were found out by Peter about what you were doing. Two things you weren’t sure how to deal with just yet. But you knew one thing for sure, you couldn’t take much more of these secrets.

    Not being able to see Peter or talk to him was killing you. And with you and him broken up, it only made it harder. You were always independent, especially when Peter and you stopped being friends. You made your own money, solved your own problems, you even saved Peter a handful of times. So it wasn’t so much that you were one of those girls who needed Peter to constantly save you; but you were a team. And everything you did together made the both of you even stronger. That was one of the reasons why Peter and you worked so well.

    But with Peter gone, and you struggling with your own issues; you could feel yourself getting weaker and weaker. The lethal combination with Octavious and your disorder mixed along with probably the worst of it all; you were missing Peter and heartbroken over him being gone. And the worst part was that you didn’t even blame him for pulling away. You definitely deserved it after hiding everything from him. You just wished that even if you did tell him the truth, that it would be enough.

    But how could it be enough?

    Pushing yourself out of bed, you used whatever strength you could muster up so early in the morning. You needed to conserve that and your energy for when Octavious called on you these days, which would only make you even weaker in the process. You would laugh at the irony, but you were too tired to.

    You didn’t want to think about your death but given recent events; it popped up in your mind pretty frequently these days. You didn’t want to think so morbidly and always tried to remain positive but how could you not when your body was literally at war and the venom that saved your life was also potentially killing you? Death was inevitable for you now, and you were looking at it right in its eye.

    Of course, Peter was always one of your first concerns. You saw how when you started spiraling out of control affected him; how upset he would be, or how Peter would blame himself for his actions. It killed you to think what he would say or do when you weren’t there to keep him grounded and remind him that there was nothing he could have done. That it wasn’t his fault and he shouldn’t blame or punish himself; and that finding somebody responsible was a waste of time.

    You wanted to tell Peter to prepare him, to get the grieving out of the way if he could and enjoy whatever time you had left with Peter. But now, you weren’t even sure if you and Peter were going to make amends, and that scared you more. Would he even care about your health now? As much as you wanted him to, you knew Peter should focus on himself anyway. So you couldn’t help but think that maybe if he didn’t know, it would be best for everyone.

    Snapping yourself out of your dark thoughts for a moment, you heard your coffeemaker go off. Grabbing your mug and bringing it to your lips, you stopped as you felt something run through your body as you stared at the front door. Somebody was coming to the door. Morgan had school and no way was Agent Kent knocking on your door after you made him look like an idiot in front of half of S.H.I.E.L.D.

    You hurried to the door, hearing the door handle begin to jiggle and opened it. Your eyes widened as you looked at Peter standing in the doorway wearing a navy blue hoodie and jeans. His soft brown curls tousled and all over the place as his tired and now bloodshot eyes were staring back you bewilderedly.

    “Hi,” you spoke out in a tired voice. Clearing your throat as you opened the door. The first time you actually saw Peter. The last time you saw him was at the ATM, unbeknownst to Peter that you were the one who knocked him into the window, leaving him to explain that to S.H.I.E.LD and Kent how he still hadn’t caught you. Again.

    “I...uh...how did you know I was here? I didn’t knock?” Peter questioned as he looked at you. He knew exactly how long it had been since he saw you last. Nine days and eleven hours, Peter was counting his days a lot lately. It had been nine days and eleven hours, but it felt like it had been years dragged out of him. And now, he didn’t know what to say.

    You looked different to him for some reason, and he couldn’t figure out why. He used to love seeing you in the morning with a fresh face as you made coffee wearing one of his old school hoodies. But this morning, you looked like a different person to him. Tired, pale, almost like you were getting sick.

    Letting Peter in, you cleared your throat again, “I heard footsteps,” you answered to try and tip toe around the subject. You looked at the coffee on the counter as you ran your fingers nervously through your hair, “Coffee?” you offered him, not sure what to say to him. You never thought you’d see the day where you and Peter had nothing to say to one another.

    Peter shook his head, “No, thank you. I just came to pick up some things,” he admitted, pressing his lips into a line as he showed you the duffel bag in his hand. Was he really about to pack his belongings and move out? Granted, it was just a few floors up; but how long was he planning on staying up there? Another week? A month? Forever? He didn’t like any of those options at all. But he knew he had to do it for now to protect you and most importantly; to protect you from finding out that Peter started drinking again. He knew if you found out, it would only trigger you more. And it was just the two times, he was hoping he could get himself to a meeting before anybody else found out.

    He headed into the bedroom towards the closet, placing his bag on the chair nearby and unzipping it. He wasn’t really even looking at what he was taking, just grabbing whatever he could and began stuffing it into his bag. It felt like he was almost saying goodbye, and it wasn’t what he wanted to do at all.

    Peter had been dreading coming here for days but he needed fresh clothes and truth be told, he wanted to check in on you. He had missed you these last few days and you always calmed him down no matter what you were going through. But he was worried about you too. And as much as he wanted to be there for you while you dealt with your demons, he also knew his demons were at bay and he couldn’t be around so much chaos right now. For his own sake.

    “So...” you started to say a bit awkwardly, leaning up against the door frame as you stared downward towards the ends of your hair, “I think I may have a name for the guy you put away from the ATM. I was going to try and research a bit today,” you offered him what little intel you had. Especially since you couldn’t say much without mentioning Dr. Octavious, that would only connect Quentin Beck to you and you knew Peter would get killed if he knew too much.

    Licking his lips as he jammed some sweatshirts into his bag, Peter nodded slowly, “Just be careful, okay?” he finally said as he kept his eyes on his bags, almost as if he was afraid to look at you otherwise he didn’t know what he would do. If he did, he’d probably stay longer, “Can’t trust many people right now,” he said a bit lower.

    Yeah, like me, you thought to yourself, swallowing thickly. All you could do was nod your head as you tucked your hair behind your hair nervously. You couldn’t do this anymore. The hiding and lying. You were building so much inside of you and it was only making you feel worse, mentally and physically. You couldn’t afford to lose Peter, not now.

    Moving a bit closer to him, you placed your hand on his shoulder to get his attention, “P-Peter, I-I have to tell you something,” you stammered, feeling your voice grow weaker as you felt the lump grow swollen in your throat. You were terrified of this moment, and you were more afraid because Octavious was listening in, as always. And if he was, then you didn’t have much time at all to tell him.

    Peter’s brow furrowed as he turned his head to face you. He saw the distraught expression on your face and knew something was wrong. He knew you were hiding something from him and it was literally tearing the both of you apart, “Okay, what’s going on?” he asked you as calmly and rationally as he could.

    You sucked in a sharp breath as tears began to prick your eyes. Your heart was beating out of your chest and you felt like your legs were about to collapse at any moment. Your bottom lip quivered the more you stared into Peter’s big eyes, trying to find your voice in the silence that was deafening between you both.

    “I really fucked up. I…” you trailed off as you began to cry, the tears streaming down your cheeks more now, “I was so stupid and now it’s worse. So much worse, Peter,” you told him through your sobs.

    “What? What’s worse, Y/N?” Peter asked as he raised his eyebrow. He was afraid of what you were hiding, but he hated the fact that you were hiding it more than anything. Whatever it was, it was big enough for you to decide that it would freak Peter out; and that bothered him the most. That you thought he couldn’t handle whatever it was you were going through.

    You sniffled as you stared down at the floor, unable to even look at Peter right now as you tried to relax your breath, “Last summer...when I…” you could barely get a word out between your sobs, “At the game,” you finally got out.

    “The game?” Peter questioned, his eyebrow quirking up as you looked at you suspiciously, “The Yankee game? With the elemental?” he asked for clarification.

    Shaking your head frantically, you grabbed Peter’s arms to pull him closer, “That’s just it, Peter. It wasn’t an elemental! Don’t you find it strange you didn’t find anything that night? You came home empty handed,” you explained, your voice becoming more and more hysterical.

    “Y/N, what are you saying?” Peter asked again, trying to figure out what it was you were trying to tell him. You had so many secrets these days, Peter knew that. And he couldn’t tell if this was a secret, or was it a bender? “Do you know what was responsible for it?” he tried again, trying his best to keep his tone level. He hated seeing you so upset and he didn’t want to make you any more upset than you clearly already were.

    You nodded your head, “Okay, I know I sound absolutely crazy right now but I-”

    You felt a pull on your throat, making you gasp. It felt as if your breath was taken away, like somebody just punched you right in your windpipe, preventing you from speaking. Wheezing out your breath, you saw Peter’s face waiting for you to answer. But you couldn’t utter a word.

    Octavious, you thought to yourself.

    He was listening in now, and controlling you. Preventing you from telling Peter the truth about what was wrong with you. Octavious wanted Peter dead and risking this conversation was enough, but you really needed to tell Peter what was going on. In hopes that maybe it wasn’t too late, for you or him; and some of these horrific events could be prevented.

    And once again, you were frozen now. Blocked from telling Peter the truth and unable to help him find Octavious and get to him before he got to Peter. Or before you got to Peter. You were capable of so much these days, it frightened you to no end. And without Peter helping you control it, you were damned.

    “What do you know?” Peter asked again, getting a little bit closer. He tried taking a whiff of your breath, but he couldn’t smell anything. His senses weren’t triggered, but he knew what a bender looked like. He’d hit bottom before. Granted his bottom looked a lot worse, he could still sense it from a mile away.

    You tried to open your mouth but nothing came out. Tell him about the venom, you shouted at yourself. Tell him about Octavious, and the robberies. Tell him it was killing you and destroying you from the inside out. Tell Peter you needed his help.

    With tears streaming down your cheeks, you shook your head at him as you tried to speak; but nothing came out once more. You hated this. You were so close to being free just to be silenced once again. You didn’t know how much more of this you could take. It was becoming more and more obvious how much you needed Peter’s help, and he couldn’t give you anything if you were being controlled by Ock.

    “I will have you rip out his throat if you so much as whimper in his direction right now, Y/N,” Octavious’ voice threatened you inside of your head, and you felt your stomach beginning to churn once more. You always tried to fight back, but in this moment, you were truly terrified of something happening to Peter. So you didn’t.

    Looking down at the floor, you focused on Peter’s sneakers as you shook your head at him. Biting your lip to restrain yourself from saying anything further so Peter wouldn’t get hurt. You could tell he was disappointed in you, and you couldn’t blame him for it.

    Peter sighed, running a hand over his face as he licked his lips, “Y/N, I know you’re going through a bad time right now. I’ve been there, and it kills me seeing you going down this path that I never wanted you to go down,” he had to stop himself for a minute, saying it out loud to you hurt him even more. He hated that this was the reality of your relationship, “I am so worried about you, I am. And you know I want to be there for you, and I’m trying to be. But you have to tell me what you need first,” his voice became rugged and raspy the longer he spoke, knowing he couldn’t say much else at that point.

    He leaned forward, bringing his lips to the top of your head before he reached down and grabbed his bag on the floor. Taking a few steps towards the door before he looked at you one last time standing in the doorway, still staring down at the floor holding back your tears. And Peter was trying to do the same.

    “I’ll be training all day and then I’m crashing with Kent if you need me for anything,” he finally told you, seeing you nod your head slightly before he turned and walked out of the front door.

    The door shut behind Peter, and you collapsed to the floor. Sobbing to yourself as you grabbed a hold of the necklace Peter had given you, clutching onto the spiderweb pendant for dear life. You always told Peter everything. And now you didn’t even know who this person was anymore.

    “We’re striking big tonight, Y/N,” Octavious’ voice ran through your mind as you tightened your grip on your necklace, “Rest up for it…”

--------

    No matter what Peter did, he couldn’t shake the look you had on your face as he geared himself for his night. The look of pure terror on your face replayed over and over again in his mind as he got his suit on. His speech still fresh on his tongue while he pulled his mask over his head; wishing maybe he hadn’t been so harsh. The sound of your cries he overhead from the other side of the door when he left repeated while Peter initiated KAREN. He wished he hadn’t heard it, it nearly made him crumble, but he did.

    Peter was in no condition to go out tonight. He had a lot on his mind with you, and the robberies, and how so many people were depending on him and he couldn’t deliver what they needed. And with the pressure coming from Agent Kent, Peter was really beginning to feel all the weight on his shoulders. And it was taking everything in him not to take another drink.

    “I’ve got a good feeling we’ll get her tonight,” Kent said enthusiastically as he entered the room. He took a seat behind a computer chair as he gave Peter an all knowing smile, “She seems to be favoring the downtown area, and so far the museums are the only places she hasn’t hit yet. The Air and Space Museum is the only one that would have tech she may be after.”

    “What makes you think she’s after tech? So far she’s only stolen money from bodegas or ATMs,” Peter gave Kent a puzzled face, did he know something that Peter didn’t? And if so, why wasn’t Kent giving him this information that was important?

    Kent shrugged his shoulders as he adjusted his glasses on his face while focusing on the computer screen, “They’re always after more than just money, Peter. You of all people should know that,” he reminded Peter as he continued to pull some maps up on the screen.

    “If you say so,” Peter said as he adjusted his web mode, making sure everything was working properly. You were usually the one who made sure his suit was updated, fixing Dark Web mode, and even making sure KAREN was properly synched up. There was always something calming about having you by his side before he went out as Spider-Man; even if it was just a basic patrol. You always calmed him down and made him feel like he was doing the right thing. Now, he was beginning to doubt all of that lately.

    Peter’s eyes flickered to the counter top, focusing in on the bottle of Jack Daniels that was left behind from the other night. When he was planning on dumping the remaining liquid down the drain this morning before he went to see you. But now, he wasn’t so sure. He needed something to numb the pain, at least for the moment.

    Without Kent noticing, Peter took a few swigs of the whiskey as he felt the warmth slide down his throat. It felt so wrong, and he knew it. And now, he felt absolutely disgusted with himself. Months of hard work and strength just flushed down the drain for a few sips to only make him feel more miserable for it. And now he had to find this robber half sober, half buzzed.

    Peter went over to the window, staring down at all of the city lights as the lump in his throat grew bigger. The city suddenly looked smaller to him, as his eyes grew bigger through the mask. Your face coming back to his mind as he tried to shake it off once more, but he was beginning to find it nearly impossible.

    “Don’t be afraid to use your advanced modes on her, Pete,” Kent said from the computer before he swung away, “That’s why you have them, to get rid of people like her,” he narrowed his eyes on Peter knowingly.

    So, Kent wanted Peter to kill this masked woman, essentially. Although Peter wasn’t exactly new to that idea, he had his history of killing and it got him here. He knew there were other ways to get justice, even if it took longer. But Kent was messing with his mind, and he was beginning to think he may not have any other option.

    Nodding his head, Peter aimed his web shooter for the nearby lamppost down below as he swung out of Stark Tower. The moment he left, he couldn’t help but feel a little relieved to get out of there. Even if it was to keep vigil.

    Peter swung his way in no time to the museum. Everything seemed quiet in the city streets, making him feel a bit more at ease. He scanned the entrance, noticing no security to be found; which was oddly peculiar for a museum. Lights were on throughout the exhibits, and as Peter glanced up towards the camera, he noticed they were destroyed.

    “Someone is here,” Peter said into his microphone, knowing Kent was listening in. He moved in towards the nearby exhibit for space missile technology, “Karen, activate Dark Web mode,” he whispered slowly as he felt the black webbing beginning to coat his suit before he went into the illuminated room to investigate. It was a little dramatic to go dark to see, but based on how strong this new rival was, Peter wasn’t about to take any chances with them.

    Peter tiptoed his way towards the doorway, knowing he was invisible, but he still needed to proceed with caution. He peered into the doorway, frozen in the moment as he watched meticulously. Unbeknownst to his new friend that he was watching her every move. Making sure this time he would be ready to take her down.

    The alcohol was swirling around Peter’s brain as he continued to concentrate. He hadn’t drank in so long, those few swigs that he had already affected him.

    “Don’t overthink this, Peter,” Kent’s voice came through, “Remember what I told you, don’t be afraid to fully attack with this one.”

    Peter had no idea why Agent Kent was so adamant about him being so cut throat. He knew the rules, and if Peter had to get more aggressive, he would. But right now, there was no reason to go the extreme. Especially since he knew how he felt towards getting his hand bloody. It led him down dark paths that he knew he didn’t want to go down again.

    Feeling a bit dizzy, Peter pulled himself together as he took a few more steps forward. Watching her try and disconnect what seemed to be a missile on display from the exhibit area. What the hell was she trying to do with a missile, Peter thought to himself.

    He got his web shooter ready, prepared to stun her for a moment with his taser web. Before he could aim in her direction, he felt a force punch him directly in his chest. His back hitting the wall with a thud as he whimpered. Opening his eyes as he saw her turning her head back to the missile, moving her hands even faster.

    How did she even know he was there? There was no way she would have been able to even hear him unless…

    ...Unless if she had a spider sense too.

    “Alright, that does it,” Peter huffed out as he picked himself up. He kept the Dark Web mode on as he whipped around so he was directly behind her, “I’ve just about had it with you and I’m done being nice about it,” he announced as he kicked the inside of her knee, buckling her to the ground.

    Grabbing her by the arm, he heard her yelp as he twisted it a bit, “Deactivate Dark Web mode and turn off all communication,” he told Karen as he picked her up and shoved her against the wall as his suit came into vision once again. He didn’t need Kent in his ear right now. Not when he was this close to bringing her in and being done with this bullshit.

    With her chest against the wall, he swiveled around. Looking into her eyes through her black mask as he raised her arm over her head. She had no weapons. And her eyes looked almost terrified. Her breathing was heavy as she kept her eyes on Peter warily.

    “Who do you work for?” he tried to ask, leaning forward. His body pushed flush against hers as he had her literally backed into a corner with nowhere to go. His hand began to slide around her neck, squeezing in a little bit to threaten her in order to start talking, “You better start talking otherwise I will not hesitate right now,” he threatened through his teeth.

    Peter squeezed a little more, hearing her groan as he waited for her to answer. He blinked as something bright glimmered along her neck, getting his attention. Adjusting his eyes, he glanced down at the necklace and squinted at her collar. The pendant staring back at him as his eyes rapidly fluttered back to her intense masked eyes; feeling his stomach drop.

    “No,” Peter said in a low voice as he grabbed the pendant, “Y/N?” he asked.

    And in that weak moment, you kicked Peter in the chest to break free. Sending him backwards and completely bewildered by what the fuck was happening…

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[honeypirate]

Take me home

Benimaru x f!Y/n

A/n: I just want Beni to have a little slice of something good in his life, okay? 🥺

Your head is pounding, you feel blood pour from your nose and taste the blood on your tongue from your split lip. Your ribs are broken, your skins dry, and you can hardly breathe. You’ve expended all your energy and power and if you used anymore you’d burn up yourself.

“Mother fu..” you go to curse at your attacker but before you can they send an explosion into you again. Knocking you into the next burning building, you didn’t know how you were going to get out of this, you don’t think you can even move anymore. You can hear the evangelist come after you but your eyes are blurry with blood and smoke. You try to push yourself up but you fall back down, hearing the man just laugh maniacally.

That laugh got cut off by what sounded like a punch and another explosion before you lost consciousness.

You’re in darkness, floating, weightless. You’re dreaming but you can’t bring yourself to open your eyes yet. Afraid of what you’ll find when you do. “Y/n... don’t leave me. Not yet” the voice sounded like a prayer. You know that voice. Your eyes fly open in the dream it’s Benimaru you thought to yourself. You couldn’t speak. Couldn’t move your body. You could only look around in the dark space where you were floating. What was this place? There were shadows in the darkness that you couldn’t see. Beni. Don’t leave me here alone. You thought again wishing you could wake up and see him. Scream out to him. You don’t know how long it’s been in the darkness of this never ending dream. You can feel warmth in your hand like someone’s holding it and then he’s back. Your Beni is back whispering things in your ear. “Y/n please” his voice sounds scared and like he’s been crying. Beni! I love you! You try to wake up. To grab his hand back. “I love you. Don’t leave me yet.” His voice is quiet like it’s far away. No. I won’t let this happen. Your body feels like it’s on fire before you actually see the flames. They’re so beautiful, reds and purples, it doesn’t even hurt to be in them. They just keep getting brighter and brighter until

The sunlight hitting your face is what woke you up, the hand that clasped yours is what pulled you from the darkness. A voice calling your name pulls you the last little bit to the light “Y/n?” Your eyes flutter open to see the ones you were hoping to see “my Beni” you say with a small smile and your voice cracks from unuse. He helps you sit up and gets you some water. “Where am I?” It didn’t look like your usual hospital and you were confused as you looked around the room. “You’re in the sixth. You really worried me, I had to get you here as soon as possible. Doctor Huang said your fire was strong but you had to fight the rest of the way yourself.” You smile at him when you realize it was him, “you saved me” you say quietly and he looks at his hand which went back to hold yours “I wish I could have found you sooner. I was afraid you’d end up like...like...” you squeeze his hand. You know what he’s gonna say. You very well could have ended up like Konro. “I know” your voice is soft. “I’m sorry to have worried you. I would have been fine but that last guy came out of no where. I had nothing left to give. How long was I out?” he meets your eye “just under a week” you nod and then look away blushing as you say “I had a strange dream of you calling out to me. Telling me not to leave you. And then I was consumed by a beautiful flame. I think... I think you saved me twice. You brought me back again” you feel tears sting your eyes and he hugs you tight, kind of awkward on the bed but you didn’t care. He felt like home and you never wanted him to let you go.

“Don’t you ever do this to me again y/n” you can hear his voice crack and if he pulled away you were sure you’d see him holding back tears

Just then one of his other men came in to get him. He clears his throat and kisses your head, composing himself before pulling back Before he leaves he turns to you and says “when you’re ready, get dressed and come find me in the main office. I have a meeting and then I’ll take you home” you nod and smile at him.

You get up after ten minutes and stretch, the doctor coming in to look at you and make sure everything’s okay. When she comes through the door you bow “Doctor Huang” your voice is respectful and she smiles warmly before looking you over. “You should have seen him. I’ve never seen a man more worried. He really cares about you, you know” you blush a little and pick up your clothes, facing away from her. “I really care about him too” your voice is quiet and she nods once “good. He deserves a good girl like you..” when you turn around she’s gone. You grab your bag, that someone from your company just have brought over with toiletries and other things before heading into the bathroom to shower and clean up. You send a small grateful feeling to whomever brought your things, the shower waking up your body and limbs. Moving around after being unconscious for a week wasn’t really fun and you swore you’d never do it again.

You realize it was one of the girls who packed your things because they remembered to grab your makeup and perfume, no one else would have because no one else knew about your feelings for Benimaru. You laugh when you pull out your favorite pair of leggings that make your butt look it’s best “thank you Maki” you whisper as you slip them on. With a simple black shirt and a pair of black sneakers. You were glad your team knew you so well to give you something comfortable to wear when you woke up. You put everything else in the gym bag and sling it across your body before you head down the office.

Walking up to the main office you see Beni walk from the office along with your Captain and turn your way. You smile when you make eye contact and you can tell if he could he’d run and hug you. You quirked your eyebrows at Obi but he just winked with a laugh and turns the other direction.

Your relationship with Benimaru was complicated. You were from two different companies, he was captain of the seventh and you were a pyrotechnic of the eighth. You only saw each other very rarely. After the second time you fought together he was impressed with you, asked for your number to keep in contact. You talked every day since then and if you were honest you fell in love with him quick. It’s like you could see right through him.

He fell for you slowly, the more he opened up more to you, the more he trusted you, the more he wished he could spend every free moment with you. When he found you in the fire, half dead, almost drowning in your own blood, your skin starting to char. It broke him. He thought he was going to lose you. It straightened all his priorities, his number one of solving combustion and winning against the Evangelists, was now beat by you. He would protect you at all costs now, he would convince you to come be with him, you would fight this war together so he wouldn’t have any regrets with you.

When you reached each other he tucked your hair behind your ear. “Your meeting was with Obi?” You ask and he nodded “I asked him to allow you to come to the seventh.” He took your hand when you and he kissed your knuckles as you started to walk together as he continues “I want you to come work with me.” You chuckle and lift an eyebrow at him “just work with you?” You ask and he clears his throat, he was nervous and it was so cute “no” he said and cleared his throat again, pulling you into an empty room to look into your eyes why he spoke “I want you to live with me, to eat meals with me, to fight by my side, and to let me take care of you. I want you to sleep by my side every night. I can’t be without you anymore. I can’t keep pretending I don’t love you” you press your lips softly into his and he shudders for a moment in shock before he kisses you back hungrily. You pull back and let out a breathy laugh, looking into his eyes “I love you too. Of course I want all of those things with you. Starting with making you dinner.” You kiss him again before saying softly “take me home Beni” he smiles and nods, a blush in his cheeks and his heart overflowing for the first time in what feels like forever. “Let’s go home” he agrees and takes your hand again.

He takes you to your company first, so you can tell your crew your news, if the captain hasn’t already, and pack your things. The girls were excited for you, but they’d miss you terribly and you’d miss them too. You’d miss talking to them about everything. After packing your things in a duffel bag you throw it over your shoulder before heading back out to the company truck Beni was driving.

You hop in and smile at him “okay. Let’s go home and you can show me where to put my things. Since it’s a new place you’ll have to help me cook dinner and since it’s a new crew I’ll make something for everyone so they’ll like me and..” he takes your hand, making you stop and look at him, and he laughs “you’re so adorable. I love you so much. I’ll help you make dinner but let’s do it tomorrow since it’s already late and I’m betting they already ate. ” you calm down, you didn’t even notice you were anxious until he took your hand. But seeing him smile and laugh made you feel lore at ease.

When you got to your new home it was late and everyone has already gone to bed. Beni showed you to your new room which was right next to his then excused himself to go talk to Konro and update him.

You unpack your two bags of things and set up a couple decorations before heading down the hall to find Beni, eager to not spend any more time part. You make your way down the hall to the light that was coming from a sliver in a door but stop when you hear Konro say your name.

“.... like y/n. I’m glad you finally did something about your months of pining Beni. If you didn’t do something about it I would have made my move.” You can imagine what Beni’s face looks like and your suspicions were confirmed when Konro laughs and says “what’s with that face? She’s beautiful” Beni’s voice is stern when he says “yeah and she’s mine now. Off the market” your stomach full of butterflies as you decide to move forward and knock quietly before walking in and smiling at Konro. “Hey long time no see” he says “hey Konro. you’ll be seeing me a lot more now” you say and Beni stands to hug you. “Do you want me to show you around?” Beni asks and you nod “that would be nice” you say and then Beni excuses you both.

In the hallway he takes your hand but when you get to your doors you stop and gently pull him towards you, wrapping your hands around his waist and laying your head on his chest. “Y/n?” He asks with a laugh as he hugs you back “Beni... how about you show me around in the morning and right now you just ...” he pulls back and kisses you, cutting you off. He was feeling the same as you, he just wanted to take you into his room and hold you. He breaks the kiss to catch his breath and says “come on” before gently pulling you into his room.

[smcc212]

Gone, But Not Forgotten

Pairings- Finn Shelby x Shelby! Reader, Shelby family x Shelby reader

Word count- 2,234

Warnings- Description of mental illness, implied/referenced self-harm, it’s the 1920s, so people not understanding mental illness, let me know if I messed any. Not proofread.

A/N- So, rather than writing what I’ve been asked to write, I wrote this-big thanks to my mum for naming this for me. The mental illness depicted in this is based off of my own struggles with mental health and I tried to dial down so I don’t offend anyone. Anyway, with that all said, I really hope you enjoy!!

“The forgotten Shelby” that’s what I was; that’s all I was. Finn Shelby’s twin, was another thing people would call me, no one would just call me (Y/N) Shelby. At least everyone that said that remembered I was Shelby though. Tommy was having a big party for Lizzie’s birthday; everyone was invited. Everyone except me. I found out about the party while I was at Garrison, some strangers sitting next to me were talking about it. Finn didn’t even tell me. Finn and I used to be inseparable. Now I was all alone.

I pushed everyone away, I pushed my friends with away; I pushed my family away. I never wanted to loose them, though, not really. I just... I couldn’t help myself, for some reason, I felt as though I didn’t need them; I never could control my emotions. I was always getting in trouble in school for my emotional outbursts, but I couldn’t stop it from happening. They’d change all the time, my emotions. Sometimes I felt the same emotion for a day, sometimes my emotions would change every hour.

I hadn’t talked to my family in three months when I heard a knock at my door. I opened it to see my twin, Finn, standing there.

“Hey, Finn,” I grumbled. I was happy to see him, but I’d been living off the last pay-check Tommy had given me. I left school two years after Finn did so both of us couldn’t do anything but go into the family business. But it’d pushed them away; they wanted nothing to do with me.

“(Y/N),” He breathed out. “How are you? What’s been going on in your life? Are you-“ He cut himself as he looked behind me. The place was disgusting. I knew that. I just couldn’t motivate myself to clean it. “(Y/N/N)... what the fuck happened?” Despite his wording, his voice was soft and full of concern.

“I... I just couldn’t clean. I mean, physically I could, but I just couldn’t get myself out of bed to do so; I didn’t have any reason to,” I murmured embarrassed that he’d seen the pigsty I’d been living in. “I-I’ll clean soon though. I had to get up to answer the door, so I’ll clean a little today.” I gave him a sad smile but he didn’t return it.

“I never realised it was this bad...”

“What?”

“Your mind. Whatever the fuck’s going on in the head of yours; I didn’t know it was this bad.” I moved to try and block the sight of my home from him even though he’d already seen it.

“Why are you here, Finny?” Finny, the same thing I’d called since I first learnt to talk.

“To invite you to Lizzie’s birthday, but... (Y/N), you can’t live like this.” His eyes stared into mine; into my soul. I could not only hear the concern in his voice, but I could see it in his eyes as well. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to be a burden.

“I’m okay, Finn. I’m alive, aren’t I?” I giggled, but stopped when I realised he didn’t find it funny.

“Being alive doesn’t mean you’re fine! Pack some clothes, you’re coming to stay with me.”

“Oh no, Finny, I don’t want to bother you,” I mumbled, looking at the ground.

“You’re my twin. You’re not bothering me, just let me help you. Please?” He begged. He was begging to help me. I didn’t deserve his help, but I needed it.

“Okay, Finny. Wait here, I’ll pack a bag.” I walked into my bedroom, grabbing a duffel bag I’d stolen from John a while back, and stuffed the few clean clothes I had left inside it. Walking into the bathroom, I grabbed my toothbrush and toothpaste, then I spotted my stash of razor blades I collected as a child. When I was younger, I would steal the blades my brother would sew into their caps; they always thought they’d misremembered grabbing them. At first, it was just to be a nuisance, but, eventually, it was to cut myself. My brain screamed at me to leave them behind. But I couldn’t. I grabbed them, stuffing into the front pocket of my duffel bag and walking to Finn’s flat with him.

I looked around the small room Finn said was now mine. It wasn’t bad; it was was nicer than the room he and I shared growing up.

“Thanks, Finny.” I smiled at him, carefully placing my bag down to make sure the blades couldn’t be heard.

“No problem, (Y/N/N).” He smiled back at me. “So... are your coming to Tommy’s?” He asked carefully.

“No.” I couldn’t face Tommy, the head of the family. Finn was my twin, he was fine, but the rest of them? They’d hate me, I was sure of it.

“Why not? They wouldn’t be mad.”

“Finn, they’ll hate me; I was horrible to them.” I started to hyperventilate and I didn’t know why, it just happened and I couldn’t stop it. “Th-they-they.”

“(Y/N), calm down. Breathe, (Y/N/N),” Finn cooed, trying his best to calm me down, but it wasn’t that easy.

“I can’t-I can’t,” I gasped out.

“Yes you can, you just have to do it slower.” He grabbed my hand, placing it over his chest so I could feel his slow heartbeat. “Breath with me, okay?” There was panic in his eyes, but he trained his voice well so that I couldn’t hear it. He took deep, exaggerated breaths. It took awhile, but, eventually, my breathing started to calm and the tears in my eyes cleared up.

Finn didn’t say anything as he walked over to my new bed, lowered himself and gently pulled me into him. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder, pulling me into his warm embrace. I had been so long since I last saw another person, let alone got a hug off someone. I missed all of my family, but I missed my twin the most, I clung to him like he’d disappear if I let go.

“You okay?” Finn asks, finally letting the worry and concern flood his voice.

“Yeah... thank you, Finny,” I smile up at him. After a moment of silence, I spoke up again, “please don’t make me go, Finn.”

“You don’t have to go, (Y/N/N). I just thought you would want to, that’s all.” One of his hands started to smooth through my hair; Polly used to do that when we were younger.

“I’ll see them soon, it’s just... it’s a party, loads of people will be there and don’t think I can cope with that; you’re the first person I’ve seen in months, Finn, that was overwhelming enough.” I lower my gaze to the floor, embarrassment rushing through my body at how bad I got.

“Fuck, (Y/N)... I never realised it was that bad,” Finn mumbles and tightens his embrace. I hate that he’s pitying me, I know why he is but I hate it.

“It’s okay; I’m okay,” I replied. I’d gotten so you used to saying that I’m fine, it’s hard-wired into my brain.

“No, (Y/N), you’re not okay! If you were okay you wouldn’t have been living like that!” Finn exploded, he couldn’t hold it in anymore. I felt tears burning in my eyes.

“Fuck sake,” I cry, rolling my eyes. I’m sick of crying! Sometimes I can’t cry at all, and other times I can’t stop crying. It’s a fucking nightmare.

“Shit, I’m sorry. I should’ve shouted, I’m sorry,” Finn frantically apologies. I shake my head, curling in on myself.

“No, no, I need to my shit together! I’m so fucking useless!” I shouted, beginning to claw at my arms. “Fucking worthless piece of shit,” I mumble to myself. Suddenly, there are hands on my wrists, holding them together to stop be scratching.

“Stop it, (Y/N/N), you’re scaring me,” Finn spoke as tears begin to fill his eyes. I thrash against him trying to free myself, but it’s not working, he’s too strong.

“Let me go!” I scream. The front door opens, but I don’t realise, far too focused on freeing myself to care about who’s coming into Finn’s flat. “Get the fuck off of me!” I feel my throat ripping as I scream bloody-murder.

“Please! Stop it, (Y/N)!” Finn begs as two men enter to room. My twin’s pleas land on deaf ears, all I know in this moment is anger; all I know is that I have to get free. I fight and fight until something hits me on the back of the head and I black out.

My eyes flutter open, trying to adjust to the light. Looking around I see my family. Finn standing at the other end of the room, his cheeks stained with now dry tears; he looks scared as our eyes meet. Guilt overwhelms me, filling up my body until tears start cascading down my cheeks. Next to Finn stands John, one arm wrapped around Finn’s shoulders with a look of worried and perhaps guilt on his face. Polly sits next to me, her gaze upon the floor, shame and guilt paint her face too. Ada, I can’t see her face, she’s looking at some flowers placed on a dresser. The flowers look sad though, perhaps Ada does too. Arthur fights back tears as he looks at me, gripping onto Linda’s hand tightly, arguably too tight. And Tommy, he looks angry, or maybe neutral, I can never tell the two apart. Either way, he’s leans against the window looking at me. Lizzie sits on the bottom of the bed, looking up at me with sad eyes, she sends me a pitying smile as we lock eyes.

“Finny,” I croak, my throat still sore for my screaming.

“Don’t.” Tommy looks at me. Angry. He’s definitely angry. I don’t want him to be angry. “Don’t fucking speak to him; you terrified him,” His voice isn’t loud, but it’s not happy. Fuck, I fucked up again! I always fuck up! I try to hit myself, but I can’t move my arms, looking up I see that they’ve tied my arms to the bed.

“(Y/N),” Finn speaks shakily. “W-we had to, y-you we’re out of-of control.” My heart shatters at thought of Finn being scared of me.

“I didn’t mean to,” I murmur quietly, they won’t listen to me but it’s true, I don’t want to hurt them.

“I-I know.” Finn says softly.

“No, no that’s not enough.” Tommy’s stern voice cuts in again. “First, you cut us all off, and now you act like that? What the fuck is wrong with you? Eh?” I feel myself start to panic, a sudden weight on chest makes it hard to breath and it’s only getting heavier like someone in slowly but surely pushing it down until it crushes.

“I-I d-don’t know, I d-don’t-“ I cut myself off, unable to form the words.

“For fuck sake, (Y/N)! Stop that!” Tommy demands, but it only makes it worst. I just want to curl up in a ball, but I can’t because I can’t get my hands free.

“Tom, stop! Shouting makes it worst!” I think I hear Finn say, but he’s sounds so far away. I pull at the ropes tying me to the bed. Just have to get free. Just have to get free. Finn, seeing me panic and realising no one was gonna help, rushes over. “(Y/N/N), it’s Finny. Listen to me, yeah?” I can hardly hear him, but I try to focus on his voice. “I know it’s hard, but you need to try to calm down, okay? Stop pulling on the restraints and I’ll undo them, okay?” I nod slowly. “Good, that’s good.” He keeps talking as he unties the ropes. Repeating his action from earlier, he places my hand over his chest and takes long, deep breaths. I copy him as best I can until, finally, I calm down. I threw my arms around him, catching him off guard. It took a few seconds but he hugged me back.

“I’m so sorry, Finny!” I cry, but he just hushes me, rubbing my back soothingly.

“It’s okay, (Y/N). I know you didn’t mean to,” He coos softly, one hand reaching up to run his fingers through my hair. I hate myself for what I put him through, I hate myself for what I put my family through... but I can’t control it.

“I’m sorry, Finny. I don’t want you to be scared of me, I love you, you’re my brother. Please, please don’t be scared of me. I don’t mean it!” I beg and cry and plead. Finn doesn’t know how to deal with me, but he knows a lot more than anyone else does. As I cry and I beg and I plead for forgiveness, he grants it. When I promulgate my love for him and the rest of my family, he says he understands; he says he loves me too. He squeezes me with his comforting arms that provide security and safety. Crying into his arms I feel the judgement radiating from everyone else, but Finn seems to understand better than most, better than me sometimes.

The rest may not understand, they may not want to, but Finn. Finn understands, he wants to understand me more than he already does. He wants to be there for me, he wants to help me, he wants to safe me.

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