#please let me be wrong as I am about 99 % of all other stuff

[f1-obsessed333]

Why is Amanda Newey out here liking tweets about Adrian to Ferrari?!?! 😭

[ominous-feychild]

✦ Writer Questionnaire 2 ✦

Thanks for the tag, @the-golden-comet! (And @the-letterbox-archives tagging me when I was almost done here, haha)

Heads-up! Long post!

How long have you had your writing Tumblr/Writeblr? A fast and loose estimate is fine!

Two months ago to the date actually??? Or, at least, that's when I first uploaded a story here. My first actual Writeblr post was me hopping in on an open tag on the 6th of June, haha. I thought it was just a month, but looks like the summer's gone by in a flash! 😭

What led you to create it?

So, I'm a writer on Tapas! I'd been attempting to social network on other social medias (twitter and bluesky) but wasn't getting anywhere, didn't like the general formats, and uh... I'm sure I don't have to explain why I don't want to touch Twitter with a 10-foot-pole anymore. Let's just say, if you haven't seen, it's just as bad as (if not worse than) everyone says. Anyhow, I'd seen lots of Tumblr short stories on other platforms and started investigating what it's like here. Didn't know what "Writeblr" was or that it even existed, but eventually stumbled into the field after posting my short story. Thanks, @darkandstormydolls! ❤️

What’s your favorite thing about the Writeblr community?

How supportive everyone is??? Like omg you guys are so sweet, idk how to take it. Also I love seeing how much passion everyone else has for their writing, haha.

What’s one thing you’d like your mutuals to know about you?

Uhhhh, I think I'm pretty open about the things I'd like people to know about me, haha. I never mean to offend, so if I accidentally say something wrong, please tell me! I'm autistic and very dumb.

Is there anything you’d like to see more of on your dash?

I'm ngl I keep meaning to build out my followed tags for my fandoms, haha. The only fandoms I really see things for are TMAGP (10/10, TMA is my obsession. I am obsessed. It is one of my Special Interests and I love it with all my heart) and House of the Dragon??? Except I'm not even a fan of HotD??? So that's kinda annoying, haha. (Aka, my fandom stuff, but that's on me.)

WIP it Good

Which Works-in-Progress (WIPs) or writing projects are you noodling about, lately?

Rising From the Ashes, tragically. (Because it's one of the LAST things I should be working on right now, haha.) Otherwise, I'm of course always obsessed with the Arcane Rifts. Then I force myself to be obsessed with Sun and Shadow, though it's slowly growing on me, haha.

How long have you been working on them?

Haha, so I've historically jumped around a lot in working on different things, so these are approximate guesstimations!

Rising From the Ashes has likely had 3 or 4 years put into it/the characters. If you include the Calamity Crew (which overlaps with it in the timeline and originally ended up merging with the cast of RFtA), I'd say definitely 4 years!

The Arcane Rifts has had 5 years put into it.

Sun and Shadow is very new; I'd say it probably only has about 4 months of work in it? It's part of why I'm less interested in it, haha. Less I've put into it and less I'm attached to.

Do you remember what inspired them/what got you started?

Oh... oh dear. How could you ask me this??? 😭😭😭

Rising From the Ashes has existed since, I think, 2016. It started (tragically) as an RP starter on Google+. I wish I was kidding.

To those unaware of how it worked in that space (and likely similar ones to this day), you'd post a starter and people would join in with their own characters. 99% of the time, they'd drop out before long. However, I'd work out details of the characters in the process and carry that info over into the worldbuilding. I eventually stopped RPing with the masses and settled down with a single "partner" who I'll call Kris.

She's the one who stole my docs.

The Arcane Rifts technically originated as another RP starter? It never got attention, though, and instead my ideas for it simply carried over into the worldbuilding in general.

One of the characters of the original starter was important in the worldbuilding. It was not a character you see in the early books of tAR, though, so don't bother trying to figure it out. But, since he was so important, his origins were also important.

The Arcane Rifts started in 2019, as I wanted to make a story building out said character's origins. It was originally going to be a duology, the first book being Gene's backstory and the second being how Gene and The Other Guy's lives intertwined. (No, they were not gay for each other! 😂) It's since changed a lot, and focuses basically exclusively on Gene, haha. The last book in the series will probably be focused on the other character, though!

Sun and Shadow started for a romance novel competition on Tapas which has since ended. I didn't get to finish it in time for a lot of reasons, but I primarily cite stress and exhaustion from working full time at a physically-intensive job. It grew shockingly quickly and I had some fans donate to me related to it, so I'm kinda forced to work on it, haha. Dw--I like it! It's just harder to work on for a number of reasons, haha.

How much time, in your best estimation, do you spend thinking about them?

Tragic, the questions you're asking me--

It depends, haha. I'm autistic and hyperfixate a lot. Also, for one, that's a suuuuuper vague question??? Like what do you mean "how much time"--how much time within the day? How often in general? Idk, man, haha.

I think about the Arcane Rifts a LOT!

I've put an incredible amount of time and effort into it, and I'm in love with 90% of the characters there. Even the background characters have had a lot of work put into them, getting relatively fleshed-out backstories to make their motives understandable (even if not agreeable!), and I love them all so much, haha.

Except Katerina. She's a bitch.

I also think about Rising From the Ashes a good amount, and it's invaded my brain again lately, haha.

I took a step away from RFtA and basically all of my other stories late 2021 when Kris (my ex-writing partner) and I had a falling out. It was incredibly difficult for me emotionally to look at anything I worked with her on, and obviously RFtA was a huge one (actually, tAR was the only thing of my early works she had nothing to do with). Since early this year, I've finally been able to work on it again and it's been incredibly fun removing her stuff, actually!

I think all that is a good part of why I keep randomly getting obsessed with it again, haha. It's like looking at old friends (the characters, not Kris) and being all "omg??? I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN FOREVER??? PLEASE TELL ME EVERYTHING YOU'VE BEEN UP TO!!!" except it's removing Kris's stuff, haha.

I think about Sun and Shadow a lot more than you might expect with how much I talk about not preferring it, haha. I love the characters! Crow and, actually, Valyarus especially. They're both super interesting characters, and I'll randomly find my brain working out scenes between characters interacting with them.

(The problem with SaS is that, as a book, it's incredibly different from my usual works. It's a small cast of Frey/Crow and technically Daleira, while most of my stories focus on larger casts. It makes for a VERY different experience, and so it's a lot harder to work on)

When someone asks the dreaded, “What do you write about,” question, what do you usually say?

Actually, I've got a ready answer for this one! Until SaS, I was dedicating my time to the Arcane Rifts and had prepared the answer:

Percy Jackson meets Lord of the Rings in a steampunk fantasy world full of ✨mysteries waiting to be uncovered✨

(I'd say the "mysteries waiting to be uncovered" part ironically/accidentally mockingly most of the time, whoops, haha. I always feel awkward advertising my works.)

It was awkward when people would get actually interested in it from there and ask more questions, haha.

To clarify: that's my tagline for the Arcane Rifts! The story has gods and demigods messing with mortals, using them as their playthings and being REALLY immature babies because they don't really face consequences for their actions like PJ. Then, it's a lot more "grounded yet fantastical" like LotR, where magic is kinda infused with reality and yet you still have issues like starving to death and whatnot.

Let’s Rotate Blorbos

Name any characters you created.  Side characters, protagonists, antagonists, characters who’ve never been written, the first original abomination you ever pulled from your ass; whomever you’d like!

UHHHH THERE'S A LOT TO LIST???

Try this for a taste! These are just the guys I've gotten colors for!

Freya, Crow, Daleira, Valyarus, Grimnir, Soren, Gene, Tazin, Mislav, Adilzhan, Ludmila, Rada, Caspar, Nikolai, Gennadi, Oska, Rieka, Liesel, Carmin, Nora, Sammy, Kieva, Caron, Varik, Elazi, Riaan, Roman, and Tiberius! (Though Tib is getting a name change sooner or later)

Who’s the most unhinged?

Unhinged in which way? There's a lot of options there, haha.

I'm going to give honorary mentions to Valyarus, Gene in the later books, Tazin, Rieka, Gennadi, and Tiberius ! (Why does it not surprise me that most unhinged characters are from tAR? 🤣 Also I swear it's a coincidence most of the unhinged characters are red.)

(... Probably.)

In general, I'd say that, incredibly ironically, the Existence of Order is the most unhinged of all my characters. She's just incredible at hiding it.

(Tbf half of the Existentials probably belong on the "unhinged" list anyway but eh. They still don't compare to Order!)

Who comes the most naturally for you to write?

I'm going to give this as a tie between Gene and Sammy!

Gene has my 'tisms and just about all of my trauma, so we have a lot in common, whoops, haha. Also there's a... very specific detail about his character that makes him easier to write in general. It's just a major spoiler. 👀

Similarly and actually identically to Gene in some ways, while Sammy has a lot in common with me, he's also incredibly perceptive! (Although we don't share that fact.)

Due to the way I write, their analytical natures allow for them to spit straight facts about the worldbuilding and the people around them rather than beating around the bush, haha. Both are highly investigative, try to learn and understand everything around them, and notice small details other characters wouldn't! It makes it much easier for me to write, because uh... well here's an example of what my outlines look like.

Long story short: I include a lot of detail which I then transfer into the POV's character narration, cutting out details which they wouldn't notice or think about, haha. In Sammy's case (which that scene has Sammy as the narrator/POV character), very little information gets cut out because he's so perceptive!

(Here, as a treat--have another example!)

(In this scene, Nikolai is the narrator. Even the outline gets "filtered" to mirror the characters' way of thinking--like it's Nikolai himself seeing Caspar as "doll-like". The crossed-out stuff is details I most likely won't mention, but noted for myself, haha. I do the same thing if/when including details about the motives and thoughts of non-narrator characters.)

Do you ever cringe at them?

Gene and Sammy?

A B S O L U T E L Y .

Gene is a wreck in basically every way and desperately needs help (that he won't get until he meets Dimitry). As much as I love him, there's a lot of moments where you just can't help but wince and be all "shit, did you REALLY have to do/say that?"

Sammy on the other hand? He's a terrified, control freak manipulator who panics the moment he feels like he's losing control of a situation. It can be painful to watch, even if simultaneously fascinating.

How much control do you feel you have over your characters?  AKA, do they ever “write themselves,” refuse to cooperate, or do things you didn’t expect? To what degree? Are some less cooperative than others?

I explicitly go out of my way to add backstory to and develop each and every one of my characters until they "write themselves", haha.

I want my characters to feel like real people, so I do my absolute best to make them as real as possible. (That's part of why tAR is so massive...)

Special shoutout to Dimitry here, btw. Dude COMPLETELY screwed over the planned and intended from the earliest days path of the Arcane Rifts. I've mentioned before that Gene is villain-coded, yeah? Want to know why?

Because he was MEANT to be one! Then Dimitry had to come along, be the sweetest, nicest fucking person around to Gene while he was going through the worst part of his life, and keep Gene from slipping off the deep end!

MITRY, YOU PIECE OF--

Do you enjoy people asking questions about your characters? And do you have a preferred means of receiving said questions? For example, as Asks, as replies, as reblogs, as tag notes, as comments on AO3, etc.

I absolutely love, love, love!!! people asking questions about my characters!!! 🥰

I would absolutely prefer them as Asks sent to me, and especially would prefer if separate subjects/questions were sent in separate Asks! Like, say you were going to ask me about Gene and Dimitry. I'd rather two separate Asks, one asking for whatever you wanted to know about Gene and another for whatever you wanted to know about Dimitry, haha. However, if you wanted to ask a single question about both, that obviously is fine as a single Ask!

On writeblr engagement

What makes you want to follow another Writeblr account? Do you follow ‘em as you see ‘em, or take time scoping out the blog to make sure you align with its content? Do you follow based on WIPs, or vibes?

I definitely scope out before I follow, yes.

I choose based primarily on the personality of the person behind the blog, but the WIPs/vibes can also have an influence on my decision, haha. I'd rather follow people with kind/supportive personalities, and I'll eventually start liking their stories even if they're not initially my thing!

What makes you decide against following?

Bigotry. Moment I see it, I'm on the lookout for even the slightest hint of more and, if I see it, I'm OUT!

(That includes things like: homophobia, transphobia, TERFs, ableism, racism, xenophobia, etc.)

Also, while I include angst in my stories, the people who are big on "I have nothing but bad stuff in my writing and I'm proud" are, uh... not on my "follow" list. While they can write what they want and enjoy it, grimdark is not my thing. Angst is best in moderation and I very purposely control the amount of it in my life.

(Also Kris's--my ex writing partner's--obsession with "grimdark-ness" is a good part of why I'm so ecstatic to remove her stuff from my writing. Yes, I've tried it. For years. I hated it. Please and thank you. Also note that I proudly call myself an evil writer, so it's not like I don't love angst, it's just--moderation. Seriously.)

Do you interact with non-mutuals often?

Yes! I think a good 50-30% of my interactions are with non-moots, haha. I go out of my way to try to support my moots, but I'll definitely share support with anything that catches my attention, no matter who it's from!

To be fair, though, I think a majority of non-moots I interact with are on my mental "probably going to follow soon" list. I can be slow to make decisions, haha. It doesn't help that I try being active with my moots, so I'm trying to avoid growing that list too quickly!

Do your mutuals’ characters occupy space in your noodle?

Haha, depends what you mean by that? My brain is definitely too full of my own characters to have any space for anyone else's, but I definitely do think of others' characters at times! There's plenty of y'alls characters I really like, haha.

Just... omg, my hyperfixated AuDHD brain refuses to focus on anything except for the Hyperfixation of the Moment™.

This was a huge one! Hopefully I'm not screaming into the void with this one, or you guys enjoy finding out more about me and my WIPs.

If you're curious about the reason this is labeled Writer Questionnaire 2... well guess what!

Tagging (gently! This is a lot, haha): @honeybewrites @yourpenpaldee @paeliae-occasionally @mysticstarlightduck @illarian-rambling @.darkandstormydolls (tagged you earlier in the post haha) + open tags!

Divider from @cafekitsune!

[toc-the-elder]

Warning: gross sex stuff. And surgery. And very long post.

I just wish someone was there for me through all this surgery bullshit. I need help. I am 99% sure this is what I want and what I desperately need. I have never once in my entire life felt sexually comfortable with anyone. Even when I was having boring "heterosexual" sex with my cisgender girlfriend, I struggled to finish. I tried my best to please her, but I never felt like anything I did pleased me, other than getting her off. And since I began my transition, I've had a lot more sex than before, and the majority of my partners have been guys (still prefer women but whatevs) and I have always felt uncomfortable with it, specifically because of my anatomy. It's always felt wrong. I've always felt like a disappointment. It's always felt like a placeholder, something I must make do with in the interim. And the few sexual partners I've had who haven't been weird about it (the others either being completely fixated on my crotch to an uncomfortable degree, or so squeamish to even have contact with it that we made out at a 45° angle) have been accommodating and have tried their best to satisfy me. And I have been satisfied. Never to completion in a traditional "male" sense, but I certainly had climaxes, something that HRT has blessed me with. But even so, I have never felt truly fulfilled. None of it ever left me without wanting more. I just feel awkward, and often find myself apologising for my own anatomy. And don't get me wrong, I've had great, passionate, satisfying sex from doing it up the bum, but my tolerance for the prep and the pain is rapidly diminishing. I have used toys to get myself off like once in over a year. Not because it no longer gets me off, it just reminds me of my shortcomings as a woman.

And after this most recent relationship thing, I don't think there's any healthy path forward for me sexually without surgery. This isn't working. It just isn't.

And beyond the sexual, just the practicalities make sense to me. I spend all day uncomfortable. I wear three pairs of underwear to try and hide my anatomy and allow me to wear clothes that let me feel confident. It takes me like 10 minutes to take a piss because I have to make sure the tuck is gonna be comfortable for the foreseeable future. Half the time, if a chair is just slightly at the wrong angle, just sitting down is painful and uncomfortable. And I hate it.

I haven't been swimming in 14 years. It began as a means of hiding my scars, but now it's just because I don't want people staring at my crotch.

I hate what I see in the mirror. I hate having my incredible figure punctuated by this ugly flap of meat hanging off of it. It makes me not want to be seen naked, even when I am home alone.

I want to be comfortable, be it in bed with someone, or just in my own pants, and I don't see a path to that eventuality without surgery.

But with all the above said, what if I'm wrong?

What if I make this decision, and as soon as I'm out of the OR, I realise I've made a huge mistake? What if I regret it a decade from now? What if I regret it in two?

My transition has been a long series of final decisions, but not all of them are as final as others. Sure, boobs are somewhat permanent, but I could always get a mastectomy if I changed my mind. Sure, changing my name was permanent, but I could change it back if I wanted to. Sure, getting a gender recognition certificate would be permanent, but how often is anyone gonna see my birth certificate anyways? My social transition is pretty permanent, but I could theoretically swallow my shame and walk it back if it came to it. But surgery... That's something different, something completely unreversible in every sense of the word.

And as absolutely sure as I am with this surgical path forward, the physically permanent nature of it still has me hesitating. And it's not like I'm hesitating out of some hidden desire to use my junk in the traditional "male" manner. I don't really have much of a desire there anymore. I haven't been with enough women since my transition to know, but honestly I can't justify putting my happiness on hold on the pipe dream (pun intended) of one day meeting a nice girl who will let me rail her. And even then, I don't even know if that's what I want from other women anyway. But even so, the fact that this cannot be undone has me standing at a cliff's edge. All because I might theoretically maybe regret it one day, despite having 30 years of regret at my current situation behind me already.

But it's not like I have any plans of walking my transition back. I don't want to. For the first time in my life, I smile at my own reflection. I like the woman I have grown into. She's kind and weird and clever and confident and funny in her own way and she's pretty and she has an amazing body and gorgeous hair (sometimes) and everyone always tells her she has a great sense of style. And that woman is me. I finally became who and what I always wanted, nay needed to be. And I have no designs to surrender any of that to the dumpy, miserable, ugly, undesirable, unremarkable nothingburger of a "man" that everyone used to know. I hated who I was. I hated myself for decades. "He" sucked, and should stay dead.

And if I am to embrace my womanhood, I want to be as complete a woman as I can be. And that means surgery. I know that surgery isn't a requirement to be a complete woman, but I cannot deny that I feel incomplete. I cannot deny that I sit atop a mountain of sexual dalliances, each unsatisfactory, some moreso than others. I cannot deny that I still feel uncomfortable seeing myself naked. And I can't deny that I spend my time incredibly uncomfortable, be it whether I am wearing three pairs of knickers or not.

So for my own mental housekeeping:

Pro:

Currently feel uncomfortable sexually

Would probably feel more comfortable sexually

Currently feel uncomfortable generally

Would feel more comfortable wearing a single pair of underwear

Would probably feel less weird about people staring at my crotch

Would probably feel less like a sexual fetish for others to use

Would be able to go swimming again

Wouldn't have to prep for sex in advance

Less butt stuff

Would feel more of a woman

Would probably feel confident naked

Would force the NHS to permanently supply me with HRT

Can ask someone to eat my pussy

Con:

The surgery and journey itself (temporary)

Might regret (hypothetical)(and statistically unlikely)(but theoretically possible)

Big permanent change (non-material, no real consequences unless I actually regret the change)

People generally won't treat me any better because nobody except those I have sex with will really know (people treat me like shit anyways so what's new)

Might eliminate one of the few reasons someone might want to have sex with me (but do I really want to have sex with someone who is only interested in me because of a transphobic assumption of what genre of genitalia I have?)

I think the most frustrating part about all of this is that nobody was there to discuss it with me. My family are obviously grossed out about it, despite being very supportive. I don't really want to discuss my junk with Jack, he might be my best friend but that's weird. And the gender clinic don't have a therapist anymore and don't plan on getting a new one. So I've just have to deal with this on my own.

But at the end of the day, as much as I worry that I am convincing myself of something I might one day regret, there is one factor that tips me to one side of the scale than the other:

If this wasn't for me, then why is it that whenever I picture myself being intimate with someone, I have a vagina? Like I assume normal people don't experience that. I assume normal people don't type paragraphs upon paragraphs and bullet point lists about the pros and cons of their genitals, right? I assume that to feel this much discomfort and explaining is necessary is not something normal people experience. Right?

I know I've made up my mind. And frankly, this is as sure as I have ever been about anything ever. But even so, I find myself unsure, and it just makes me wonder how sure I can be about anything really. I just wish there had been someone there to tell me I am making the right choice.

I have my second surgery referral next week.

[my-castles-crumbling]

Can I rant at you please because my eras tour show is in exactly two weeks and I am freaking out!!!!!!

So context I got tickets for two shows but had to sell one of them because i couldn't afford it.

Now I am so scared I sold the wrong ones, what if they have a better view? What if the sound tower is in the way of my view? That tower haunts my dreams I swear because I am like 99% sure that they do block my view and I'm so scared. What if they get better surprise songs than me?

I know I'll have a good time anyway and it doesn't really matter but I think I might break down crying if I get there and can't actually see the stage.

Taylor means so much to me I am not even exaggerating I love her so much she's my everything so I'm kind of putting pressure on this to be perfect but I know that that will lead me to disappointment but I can't stop because I think of that stupid sound tower literally everywhere I go.

I'm not good with crowds and noise so I NEVER EVER go to concerts. Taylor is literally the only person I would ever go to a concert for and this is my first one so I will be so sad if I can't see her but I already sold the other tickets and sorted my travel out for my show and stuff so I can't change it ?? I'm dying!!! I am also neuro divergent and I'm scared I'll have a meltdown and have to leave and I don't know how good Wembley is at handling that stuff

What if my tickets don't work? What if my bag is too big or there is something in there I can't take in but forgot that I'm not allowed and they don't even let me in?

I'm in section 220 and sold seats in 515 which I thought was a good idea because 220 is closer but 515 is more center onto the stage and I didn't think of that while I was deciding and now I'm regretting it.

Also what if they're sold out of the merch I want? What if I'm behind someone with a sign or those big hats? What if my section is so dead not singing because if it is I would be so self conscious to be the only one singing so I wouldn't and that would be so sad. What if it's the other way and there is someone SCREECHING next to me.

I'm so anxious and I'm scared I will ruin this for myself which I really don't want to do because this is literally my dream and I don't know if I'll have the money to go next time she's on tour I'm so scared it's not going to be perfect but if I put too much pressure on it I'll be disappointed whatever happens.

Also I never wear dresses but I am to this (evermore dress and cloak) and I'm scared I'll feel really self conscious wearing it in public and stuff (being plus-sized will kill me to death I swear). Also I am hyper-sweaty so I'm scared I will smell because there will be a lot of dancing and jumping

This was long but everyone else thinks I'm crazy for caring so much about a concert but they don't understand what tay means to be she's saved my life about a gazillion times and comforts me more than anyone (through her music obviously I'm not friends with her). I'm just so nervous

Also this is Greece anon btw as well (that trip was so fun as well I got back last week I had such a great time)

Thanks for letting me rant at you ig and sorry this was so long

Hi hon!

First of all, next time you have Taylor tickets to sell, I'm your guy, alright? :P

Let's talk through some of your fears:

The sound tower- I'm pretty sure those seats that are obstructed by the tower have to be sold as obstructed. But if they aren't, there are a few solutions to this. First, you can ask a staff member if it's possible to move to an empty seat (there will be empty seats. there were at my concert date, because of stupid ticket resellers), second, you can use the big screens to see anything you miss, and third, you can walk around to find a spot to stand at. A lot of people at my date stood in places that weren't even their seats.

Surprise songs- your surprise songs will mean the world to you because they are yours. I didn't get DBATC as my surprise song, which was my dream, but literally every time my surprise songs come on, I get so excited because they were MINE. They'll hold a special place in your heart no matter what they are.

Seat locations- 220 is better than 515, definitely. You made the right choice.

Neurodivergency/crowds- I'm also neurodivergent and the crowds werent that bad- the only time I struggled a bit was in the merch line. Other than that, it was very controlled. If you're worried, you could also get loop ear plugs? I got those and it helped with noise. I'd also suggest cough drops because singing for 3 hours hurts the throat lol.

Tickets/bags- your tickets will work, hon. those horror stories are just that- horror stories. And if you accidentally bring something you're not supposed to, they'll just throw it out, they won't kick you out.

Merch- I got in the merch line during the openers and I got a size 2x blue crewneck no problem <3

The crowd- I don't remember the crowd at all during my show. I don't remember if people were screaming or not saying a word. I just remember that I was screaming. Ignore the crowd and focus on you, hon. Screw everyone else. You don't know these people! Who cares if they think you're too loud or too sweaty. If they think that, they're spending their time judging you instead of simping over Taylor and I feel bad for them

On the outfit. You will slay. Dress in layers, take a cute picture at the beginning, and then don't worry if you end up looking like trash. By the end of the night, the best Swifties will have mascara running down their cheeks and ruined hair from sweating from jumping. AS. THEY. SHOULD.

I totally understand all the overthinking. But when you get in there, it's all gonna go away. I promise, all you'll be able to think about is how amazing it is <3

[kimbapisnotsushi]

you seem to have a good read on HQ and your takes are great, so i have a question...and if you'd rather not go there, please ignore this! but i see oikawa get called "arrogant" quite often and i'm curious, would you say he is? what is it that makes people think that? imo he has a plenty of flaws, but i truly don't think arrogance is one of them. self-centered, sure, but not arrogant i think. i'm open to being wrong, i'm just legit so confused by that particular criticism, it makes me doubting my reading comprehension. i feel like that one post that's like "free my man, he didn't do that. he did a lot of other stuff tho" LOL. if you do answer this, then thanks for your time!

oh, dear anon. this is a very very big question and i'm honored you think i am capable of providing an answer that does it justice!! i don't consider myself an oikawa expert by far, but i'll do my best because he's still very beloved to me, and i hope whatever i say helps!

(but also - maybe take what i say with a grain of salt LMAO)

anyways, to get the main point out of the way: i completely agree that oikawa isn't arrogant! i actually haven't seen any commentary about that myself (bless!!!), so i can't say for sure why some people might think that, but my guess is that they think his pridefulness = arrogance — they think that the confidence he has in himself and seijoh contributes nothing to their actual power and is utterly meaningless if they don't win, especially in the face of ushijima. which, like, come on. what kind of captain would he be if he wasn't confident in himself and his teammates? is he supposed to tell them that they're going to lose??? is he supposed to discourage their hard work and effort???

or maybe it's because oikawa acts like he's all that, but doesn't have anything to show for it. who does he think he is? what does he think his pride is worth? what right does he have to go around making grand declarations when he has nothing to his name?

(which isn't entirely true, either, but we'll get into that, promise.)

now, do i think that he can, occasionally, be flippant, shallow, and/or petty? yeah, sure. he's got one hell of a personality about it. even iwaizumi says as much. oikawa is great at being a little shit. it's one of my favorite things about him!

but is oikawa genuinely arrogant, or self-centered? well . . . i don't think so.

see, here's the thing about oikawa: he knows he's good, but he doesn't think he's good enough. i think it'd be easiest to really explain what that meant if we broke this down into two separate parts, so let's give it a go, shall we?

(buckle up, friends, because it's about to get LONG. also: TIMESKIP SPOILERS!! and there's a tldr at the start of the tags because. WOW.)

so, first things first: if people are calling oikawa arrogant, then i'm like 99% sure that they don't actually know what the word "arrogant" means.

"arrogant" is used to describe someone full of themselves. it's used to describe someone conceited and pompous. it's used to describe someone so assured of and invested in their self-importance that they don't care for other people, and if it seems like they do, then it's usually wildly off the mark and still serves to inflate their own egos.

oikawa has never once been like that. he's been pretty much the exact opposite, in fact.

and yeah, sure, by his third year of high school, he knows he's good at volleyball, and that's fine! it's perfectly all right to claim you're good at something if you have the skills/experience to back it up. confidence is healthy as long as it isn't in overabundance, and we actually see a lot of this throughout the series!

(not to mention that this was where ushijima fell short. he was overflowing with confidence. he did not believe, for even a single second, that hinata shouyou and his meager, scrappy little flock of crows could beat him.

but oikawa? he knew. he knew what it looked like to make something bloom.)

the key to oikawa's confidence that made him better was that he could pinpoint others' strengths and weaknesses just as well as he could with his own. and (bear with me, please, i might get kind of boring here bc it's nothing that hasn't been said in the manga before) i don't mean it in the way we see the coaches or more analytical players do, as observations to be taken advantage of by everyone else; i mean that in the sense of how vital it is to his position as a setter. that was always the biggest difference between oikawa and kageyama: no matter how much more raw talent kageyama had, no matter how much better oikawa believed him to be, kageyama, especially in the beginning, struggled to do what oikawa could with a team. kageyama struggled to bring out the best in each player. and it wasn't because he didn't know how -- oikawa freely admitted that kageyama had the skill for it, that kageyama, once he got his shit together, could win against him -- it was because kageyama didn't have that same confidence in himself.

(not until much later, anyways. but that's another story, for another time.)

so, oikawa's confident. he knows he's good. he can bring out the best in each player. he's got a killer serve (and a killer smile!), a mind for tactics that borders on machievallianism, and cherishes the trust he is given like it's something precious. his coaches let him lead without leaning on them. his team has the utmost respect and admiration for him. he has a reputation. from karasuno to shiratorizawa to the whole of miyagi -- there is not a single character who knows oikawa tooru and would believe that he is, in any way, bad at volleyball.

but it's not enough. despite all of that, oikawa still doesn't think he's good enough. and that, friends, brings us to the second point.

oikawa tooru is nothing if not passionate.

so were the others, of course. kageyama kept going after his grandfather's death. hinata kept going while being a nobody from nowhere with no one to back him up. atsumu kept going while osamu didn't. it's not even about just those who went pro -- kenma, kuroo, noya, and everyone else found things that they were passionate about and kept going with it. the entire story revolves around loving what you do and trying to keep that love alive, and, sometimes, that can be really, really difficult when it seems like it doesn't love you back.

oikawa was so insecure over kageyama to the point where he nearly decked the poor kid. oikawa got crushed by ushijima-- who kept telling him that his team was not good enough, that his choices were not good enough, that there was nothing good enough to be proud of -- for years in a row. oikawa was taught that there would always be someone better than him no matter how skilled he was, but if he let that stop him then he didn't fucking belong on the court in the first place.

oikawa tooru is intimately acquainted with not being good enough, but he keeps trying to be. he keeps going. he tries to keep the love alive even if he's not loved back. he pushes and practices and takes a plane far from home to become even better. even if he doesn't have the skill, even if he doesn't have the talent, even if he doesn't have the love -- he still has his pride. and what does that mean, in the end? how far does that take him?

in the end, oikawa tooru walks across a world stage and sees people who believed in him on the other side and calls it a family reunion. in the end, he gets to play the volleyball that reminds him of why he loves it and how it gives him so much love back. in the end, his pride is unyielding and unbreakable, a product of the forge. he molded it with his own two hands. he will not let it falter so easily.

arrogance would not have taken oikawa tooru this far. i hope this has proven that he is anything but.

remember: instinct is something you polish. talent is something you make bloom. and never, ever let anyone else tell you what your pride is worth.

[maskedteaser]

rdr2 match-up please! (this seems fun, we'll see) i'm honestly the quiet type in general, i like listening to others instead of doing the talking, i like giving advice and making questions to keep them going, just kinda being by myself painting or listening to music (or both) in general, but if you give me time to get comfortable i can talk for hours if you let me i love animals, like a fuck-ton, like a 'will be emotionally distraught for the whole day if i accidentally step on a dogs paw' kinda shit LMAO same goes with people. when i love i LOVE with all my heart and so help me god i will do anything for you even if that means stitching you up with my own hair i can be a little clumsy...like, i have very little spacial awareness? so i tend to bump into things or slip on floors and stuff (it's not that big of a problem but yknow) uhh....i dont really know what else to say, tbh! i guess that i can be a bit too sarcastic and jokey at times, like if i get nervous i just make remarks about stuff and that i sometimes need a little help with things cuz. i'm just not very good at Being Human. that's all! thank you so much!

THIS IS FUN! I HOPE YOU'LL LIKE IT :) not PROOFREAD i'm SORRY for any MISTAKES!!! ALSO ANON - YOU DIDN'T SPECIFY IF YOU PREFER MALES, FEMALES OR BOTH...SO I'M SORRY IF I PICKED A WRONG PERSON FOR YOU :((

WHY I DIDN'T CHOOSE OTHER CHARACTERS! ! !

❝ i like listening to others instead of doing the talking, i like giving advice and making questions to keep them going ❞

You know who also prefers to listen and doesn't like to talk? CHARLES, so your conversations would be NON-EXISTENT probably, or would last around 2-3 minutes before one of you gets completely silent. Awkward silence...oops...

❝ i love animals, like a fuck-ton, like a 'will be emotionally distraught for the whole day if i accidentally step on a dogs paw' kinda shit LMAO ❞

And MICAH hates animals :) Micah kicks dogs and would probably laugh at you when you cry about it. But who likes Micah anyways? He's no good match for anyone on tumblr I am 99% sure of that.

AND NOW FOR A BIG RESULT

JAVIER ESCUELLA

You wouldn't have to do the talking because Javier would talk about his past and the missions he went to for hours, and after that - there would be no awkward silence between you since he could always pick up his guitar and play something for you :) I think that he'd also be really patient with you, making sure that you're comfortable, he wouldn't do any sudden moves on you to not scare you away. He's also a bit shy, but he'd try to hide it, acting like he's all confident etc. When he falls, he falls HARD, just like you. He'd probably get jealous easily so make sure to always tell him how you feel and that everything is okay - he is not ready to loose his family AGAIN. OKAY AND HEAR ME OUT! - You said you like painting while listening to music...So how about you painting something while he sits next to you and singing a cute spanish song just for you? :3

thank you for reading! signed TEASER 👽👽👽

[frostycatblr-fandom-files]

Rough Stuff: Wrecker x Sick!Reader

Warnings & Info/Notice: She/Her pronouns for Reader as this is based on a dream I had when I was sick a year ago (writer's block is a mother…) so there's some fever-influence to the shenanigans and plot before "Bounty Lost" of Season 1; first time I've ever written something about our beloved Clone Force 99 crew (minus Crosshair in this fic) so be gentle with me. 👉👈 

No real need for an age warning for a comfort+fluff piece, mentions of medical paraphernalia, great chance for inaccuracies: some are purposeful to reflect Reader's sickly state, some are likely genuine writer error because I am long overdue for a series re-watch of TCW so references and characterizations might be result of misremembering. Star Wars swearing present. Dialogue heavy.

Word-count: 5,813

Blastdoors hissed once, twice. Off to the left, weary feet and stiff shoulders were freed of mud-caked footwear and heavy supply pack before venturing further into the modified housing space. There was a comfortable and easy silence painted over the place for once, no immediate indication anyone else would be here to the unfamiliar passer-by. 

"Did you hear that?! She's back!" 

Something stopped beeping in the distance momentarily. "Hear what?" 

"Hah! Course Tech wouldn't have been able to hear anything other than his little toys!" 

"They are not toys, Wrecker; it's important to make sure all my diagnostic equipment are in proper working order on a regular basis to avoid delays during critical moments. Like on Bracca."

One could be almost entirely sure the others would be glancing at one another by now with the silent look of Oh Maker, please make it stop between whoever had been lucky, or unlucky, enough to catch another's eyes.

"Guh, I don't want to go back to Bracca any time soon, once was enough for me… But, uh, h-how do you know it's her, Omega?" Light and speedy footsteps lead up the stairs as at least three of the Clone Force 99 members come to welcome a friend back home. "Hunter said she almost always steps to the left of the blastdoors to take care of dirty footwear and her gear when she gets back if she doesn't have to talk to Cid first. Right Hunter?" 

Right Hunter? was just a rhetorical question, one Tech hadn't quite yet caught onto before Omega was already excitedly hugging the young woman before he would've had the chance to express his concern had the young Clone been wrong. "Ome-! Oh, nevermind, I see that you're right. Welcome back, [_____]. Good to see you safe." 

Responding with a drained smile for the moment, she released Omega and scooched the pack across the floor as more of the modified Clone unit joined her and the others upstairs. "Certainly glad to be safe, Lotho Minor and its acid rain was not something I prepared for… And uh, whatever that other planet was that I went to on a hunch looking for whatever it is Cid wanted didn't pan out either. Uh… Bogano! That's the one. Need a couple of nights of solid sleep before I try again. She's not going to like it if I told her any of that. Did find something else, at least." Bending at the waist to lift the pack off the floor and up to the table there was a sharp, short little crackling sort of sound when she inhaled that most picked up on.

Hunter's frown deepened when this provoked a cough she was fighting to stifle. "Y'alright, kid? Sounds like you've got the wind knocked out of you." Unsuccessfully hoping to put his concerns to rest with a dismissive wave of her hand and another stifled cough, she put on the best smile she could with a short chuckle. "I'm fine, Hunter. I just kicked up a lot of dust on Lotho Minor, I'm sure whatever settled into my lungs is just working it's way loose over time. Don't worry about me." Hunter certainly wasn't convinced, but he would let it go for now. After the brief hell they went through on Bracca with another one of their own succumbing to the inhibitor chips (fortunately for a short period of time, thank the Maker) and the scare that gave everyone, he wasn't exactly ready to put his men through another potential stressor so soon after all that. Ciddarin "Cid" Scaleback's other "employees" had their own set of stressors. Clone Force 99 largely kept to themselves as they navigated this changing galaxy for safety, and others did the same. Times like these you'd be smart to avoid rubbing into too many shoulders… but the young female scavenger was a little different.

Hunter trusted her well enough, scrappy and capable of holding her own, but she really didn't sound or look well presently. But there was no sense dwelling on it now when Omega and Wrecker were buzzing with excitement about her return. "Well, if ya say so." 

"Well, Hunter, I do," she teased, swatting the back of Wrecker's hand as he reached into her pack with a gentle laugh, "and leave that alone, silly. There's some delicate stuff in there. I was going to pull it out in a moment, don't go snooping." He gave a sheepish smile, stroking the back of his head a few times to soothe his guilt over touching her belongings without asking first once again. "Let's seeeee… found a few old components and scomp links that Tech or Echo or both may find useful for something or just mess around with. A surprising find you might like Hunter: a perfectly good blowtorch-zapper-drill-thing I don't know the proper name for; practically brand new! Think it's called an All-Kit? And, uh…" she came to an awkward pause in the middle of pulling something out once more, face falling from the bright smile she'd previously had. "I know it's… not something you all like to talk about much regarding what happened to your teammate, someone who felt like a brother to you guys; but if he ever does come back around and everyone reconciles, I found a nice scope that I hope Crosshair would like… b-based on what little I've heard." 

Omega laid her hand over the squeezing fist the resourceful scavenger was pushing into the table to stop herself from getting too emotional in front of everyone, so young and only able to do so much realistically. "That was awfully thoughtful and nice of you, [____]. I think he'd appreciate it. Be happy to know that you saw something and it made you think of him even when you haven't met him. Makes you a good person, in my opinion…" 

"Heh… Thanks Omega," she was pulled into a side-hug for a moment while [_____] brushed away tears with the back of her other hand to compose herself, "o-oh, and this is for you. I found a little droid I'm sure you'll have some fun with to get him up and running in no time. And noooow, I think the little guy got smooshed down to the bottom of the pack because it was the first thing I found; so sorry about that Wrecker. But I think he'll be okay! I thought your Lula could use a little friend." Freed from the pack, she passed over the souvenir to the final Clone who hadn't been given something yet.

It was a soft toy, roughly the size of a young Bogano Bogling, fashioned to look like a Loth-cat. That is, if a Loth-cat had floppy ears and were a little chubby; it was clearly a toy meant for and once loved dearly by a little child somewhere in the vast galaxy. One button eye was loose and there was a small split in one of the seams on the tail, but they were in decent shape otherwise. 

"Awwwh, thanks kid. That's real nice of ya. Like 'im already!" 

Smiling warmly after being swept into a vice-like hug, the young woman started to reply before her voice became a little faltered and scratchy. "I'm glad, I thought you might! I'll be happy to give him a little bit of TLC in the morning when I've had some sleep, and a chance to c-clear my lungs a- a bit more-!" Her shoulders jerked violently with each cough that had taken her by surprise, quickly found and given a chair to sit in with the wind knocked out of her just like that. 

Hunter hadn't let it go since the crackling sound even after she insisted she was fine a few times once she caught her breath (and Wrecker repeatedly apologized for another one of his crushing hugs not for the first time). Something definitely had settled into her lungs, but not on Lotho Minor since this hadn't started since arriving on Bogano. 

"Tech, we should run a health scan."

"Right. I'll have to sanitize and pre-"

"Less talking, more doing, Tech." 

"R-right, sorry." 

-x-

"She's contracted a bacterial infection."

The young woman blinks rapidly, eyes jerking over the room before she looks back to Tech. "What's that mean? You saying I got sick from something out there on Bogano?" 

"Well it didn't start until a few days after getting to the planet, so it is the most likely place for you to have gotten sick with some sort of respiratory infection based on what you told me before your health scan."

Wrecker grunted in confusion from the corner of the room, arms crossed over his chest nervously. "Now wait just a sec, I thought you said this was a bacterial thing! Now it's a respi-something infection? Which is it?! I'm all confused!" 

Sighing sharply with a few wags of his head, Tech adjusted his eyewear before explaining things to Wrecker, pecking away at his datapad. "What I meant is it's a respiratory illness caused by a bacterial infection. Maybe even fungal, or from certain types of spores, depending on what plant life [____] came across during the trip she made to Bogano, on a hunch. But since we don't want to stress her respiratory system further, I can't ask her a lot of questions at this time; I'm trying to find flora, other environmental occurrences or elements that could have caused this or explain it for now. Fortunately for her, it doesn't look to be life-threatening. For the time being." 

Omega jumped down from Wrecker's knees and scoffed, "Well that's a cheerful thought, Tech…" scooping Lula off the floor, Omega laid her down on one of the flat surfaces near to [____] before she began tugging at the dusty sleeves of the woman's clothes, "you should wash up and get some rest. You haven't been sleeping well." Eyebrows jumped just a fraction, a tell of a nonverbal question. "You've got lines under your eyes, here and here, and you're a bit unfocused. Easily distracted or staring off in the distance. Drooping posture. You need a nap." 

"Oh do I," The scavenger laughed, lovingly threading her fingers through Omega's short crop of hair the way she often did, "is that an order?" Wagging her head and laughing with her, Omega tugged her sleeves again and pulled [____] behind her. "Nooo. But I can tell you over and over again like it was an order!" 

-x-

Koff! Koff! 

These coughs were getting worse. It was now plainly evident that [____] had gotten more than just a "little ill" like Omega had hoped when she noticed that it had been several hours since she'd gone to lay down "just for a bit" and planned for waking up around lunch. She had slept several hours past lunch, when she did wake up [____] looked somehow even more exhausted. And sicker. 

So much sicker. 

"By the Maker, you don't look so good, kid. I wouldn't-!"

"Echo, shh!" Omega hissed urgently, "Cid might hear you!" The Bad Batch were trying to keep Cid from finding out about her scavenger's health status before Tech could determine the contagion level, but now after Echo had called out to [____] to keep her from leaving her bunk it was unlikely the Trandoshan woman hadn't heard anything from the temporary quarters. 

The Trandoshans were known for their thrills in the hunt, so what could be said for Cid? Perhaps she had excellent hearing, or Echo was really loud. It was everyone's best guess to say it was both. Cid wasted little time getting down to the blast doors, but was unable to open them. "What's going on in there?! And why is this locked?!" Hunter gave Echo a silent oh, you've really done it now sort of look before he stepped up to the blastdoor and hovered his hand over it's control panel in case the Trandoshan was working on opening up what might be a necessary barrier in the event Cid's scavenger picked up something particularly contagious and severe.

"Afraid we can't let you come in, Cid," Hunter starts, "[____] got back earlier and she's not feeling well. Tech is trying to see if it's serious, so we're keeping everyone in until we know." 

"Sick!" Cid spat from the other side, "Why wasn't I told sooner?!" 

Echo nudged [____] deeper into the borrowed bunk (Wrecker's), short of using a disciplinary tone of voice with her for leaving it in the first place across the living quarters while their leader dealt with their employer. "Apologies," Hunter offered in a measured voice, "we had hoped to get the work-up completed so we could present everything at once, but it's taking longer than Tech anticipated." Hunter could practically see Cid heave the frustrated sigh he heard. "Can't Goggles hurry it up?"  

Tech was bowed over his datapad in a separate corner of the quarters, scowling and squinting at at least three different screens he'd been cycling through. He hadn't spoken to or even seemed to hear anything his brothers asked in at least the last hour and a half since lunch while he scrutinized current findings. "He's doing the best he can," Hunter promised, having faith his brother was doing everything and more to get that work-up sorted, "he'll get it done." 

"I'm not worried about him not getting it done, dark and broody, I'm worried about having at least… HunterTechEchoWreckerOmega[____] - SIX people not in any fit state to do jobs for me! I'm not running a quaint little hotel on some Outer Rim planet, here!" Hunter was uncertain if Cid meant to sound so callous, but he had the feeling it was Cid's way of worrying for them. If six people couldn't work one of her jobs for them, they couldn't receive pay. Though… Cid might be more upset about the interruption to her cash flow. "The moment Goggles figures out what's wrong with her, you better be snappy about contacting me." 

As expected. "Yes ma'am," Hunter grumbled with a note of bitter annoyance. "I'll be certain to." 

-x-

Whatever it was Tech said she had was past the most contagious period, thank the Maker, but she felt awful. Breathe too deeply and her lungs would give a sharp crackling before the prolonged coughing fits began. A hot wash in the showers again would make her too dizzy to be safely unattended, worried she'd faint. She felt submerged in Mustafar's lava fields one minute, and spelunking in Hoth's ice caverns in another. Her kriffing bones hurt. She couldn't sleep. But if she left the bunk, she was worried she'd wake up one of the men in the room; born and bred for war, they likely weren't deep sleepers (at least that's what she figured). She'd undoubtedly wake up their leader, Hunter, or perhaps Echo, who dealt with the chronic and residual pain of the cybernetics and phantom limb syndrome after his… experience on Skako-something… that usually made it difficult to fall or stay asleep some nights. 

She didn't want to get another concerned but well-meant lecture from either of them, and Tech… Well: If she woke him, he'd probably turn a voice of concern into a scolding tone without meaning to or being entirely aware he was doing so. She wanted to avoid that. Omega was going to be concerned about her and wake one of her brothers to help if [____] disturbed the young lady's sleep. 

And here, [____] wondered while stifling another cough what the snarky sharp-eyed sniper might do if he was woken… she'd heard so little about him. Crosshair. Skilled marksman. Sided with the Empire. An inhibitor chip. What was an inhibitor chip? She didn't know. She didn't feel like grabbing a datapad next to her to find whatever she could. She was just so tired, and she didn't know how much longer she could lay here with her entire skeletal system feeling heavy with pain. Would getting up to take something for the pain even help? Could a painkiller even touch this kind of pain? It'd be worth a shot, at least. 

She tried slowly swinging one leg out into the room to slip out from the low bunk, but the careful movement to avoid waking anyone was surprisingly painful. "Ah, kriff!" She hissed in a sharp whisper, unable to sit up without the feeling of a thin blade violently jabbing every one of her joints. 

"Y'alright, ad'ika?" 

Who said that? [____] looked out into the dimly lit room in surprise, trying to figure out who she had accidentally woken up. Wrecker. But he looked like he'd been awake for a while, sneaking back into the room from the kitchen unit perhaps. Mm… there had been a lack of soft snoring when she thought about it. "Ad'ika?" Wrecker asked again, stepping closer with a look of concern etched in his face. 

Ad'ika… had a number of meanings, none of which [____] could remember right now. It was hard to think about multiple things right now, it almost hurt. She squeezed her eyes shut, sighing, trying to recall what she just heard him say. Maker, everything hurts, make it stop, make it stop… "Wh-what…?"

"I asked if you're alright," his voice rumbled above her now, then she could hear him settle down on one of his knees so he wasn't looming above her or speaking right in Omega's ear where she lay in the bunk above [____]'s, "I mean, I know you're not because you're sick an' all, but- y'know what I mean." She didn't, and her silence spoke for her, so Wrecker tried elaborating. "Erm, trying to check on you, I mean. You really don't look so good right now. Are you having trouble breathing again?" 

"No," the woman sighed carefully, feeling the ache in her lungs starting when she caught herself taking a deep breath by reflex, fighting the need to cough, "not really. My whole body hurts. Even my bones. I was gonna try to sneak out of my bunk without waking anyone to find something for the pain, or just something to make me sleep so I could ignore the pain, but it hurts to move." 

"Not the usual pain after one of your jobs for Cid?" Wrecker hazarded a guess. "Is it because of the virus Tech said you have?" 

Khoff-KOFF! "Think so…" 

Wrecker just frowned upon the reply, voice dripping with sympathy when he next spoke. "Awh, poor ad'ika. There something I can get ya?" She wasn't certain what to ask for; something to dull the pain, or something to make her sleep? Would it be safe to take both? Just what did ad'ika mean? She's heard Wrecker call Omega that once, right?

Too many questions, too little focus. Too many aches and pains and symptoms to be dealing with so late into the night. Her brain was too frayed and raw after the unsuccessful scavenge where she was prepared to face Cid's furious disappointment if she'd been caught home empty-handed and now this virus and… at least one awake Clone, kneeling near the edge of the bunk in quiet worry while [____] stared at him in a dumbfounded haze. 

"Would you get me something to help me sleep if you answer something for me first, Wrecker?" 

He blinked, puzzled by the request. "Ah, sure."

"What do you keep calling me?" 

"Ad'ika can translate to "kid". An' a coupl'a other things like ‘sweetie’ too that I'm sure I'll remember later… It's Mando'a. I-I can stop callin' you that if you want." She shook her head, Wrecker just looked at her with uncertainty for a moment before he got off his knee and went to find something in some stash of medical supplies Echo had been hoarding for the Batch in a corner of the living quarters. "If you say so, kid."

"Ad'ika."

He couldn't be sure why it sounded like a request, rather than reassurance, coming from her in a timid, breathy whisper. Maybe he was imagining things because she looked so miserable and sick. Humoring her wouldn't hurt anything. "If you say so, ad'ika." Wrecker tried to sort through Echo's box of supplies as it was, but ended up dumping it out on the table so he wasn't wasting time getting something to help [____] get to sleep by digging around every little box when he could just lay it all out and go from there. He'd put it all back in the morning. "Here, this looks like the righ' stuff!" Wrecker whispered back to her triumphantly, giving the little foil packet a wiggle back and forth in victory. "Alright ad'ika, should be asleep soon with one of these. Can I get ya anythin' else? More water?" 

She just shook her head, taking her tablet with a careful swallow of water, both of them hoping she doesn't cough in the process. It wouldn't take long at all before she would hopefully be asleep. "That's okay, Wrecker. I think I'm just going to try getting some sleep now… so tired." 

Wrecker just chuckled softly, saying nothing as he tucked the blanket over the scavenger once she was laying in the bunk. Heh, yeah I bet... Echo threatens to use them on Tech when he's not sleeping mildly reasonable hours. "Sleep well, [____]." 

-x-

Omega dropped out of her bunk in lieu of using the ladder some mornings, a habit some of her brothers weren't keen on her developing in case of situations where one of them unwittingly became her crash-pad. Yeah right, like it'll ever happen… Omega had said on more than one occasion.

Omega fell into Wrecker's lap, waking him suddenly and pouring further salt in the wound by trodding on his hand while she scrambled to get off him. "Ouch! Omega!" She could feel her blood ice over with guilt for hurting one brother and waking the others, Hunter out of his bunk before she could blink. "I-I'm sorry, Wrecker! I didn't know you were down on the floor, I didn't mean to!" 

"Omega-"

"Awh, I'm fine! Just scared me awake is all." Wrecker interrupted Hunter's see: this is why I keep telling you lecture with a laugh, not looking upset in the least. "Takes more than tha’ to hurt me!" 

A finger went up across the room after eyewear was situated and adjusted. "Except you clearly said "ouch", Wrecker. And if Omega didn't wake [____], you certainly would have." Wrecker groaned, knowing Tech was right that he probably just woke their friend who was feeling poorly. "Whoops… sorry about tha- oh." Incredibly, she was still asleep when Wrecker turned to apologize, unbothered and unaware of the startling sibling drop-in just an arm's reach away minutes ago. This virus was clearly pretty rough on her, she looked so pale and feverish under the single blanket even in the dim light before any additional overheads were activated. Echo hobbled stiffly from his bunk to flip on a few of the overhead lights, oblivious to the mess of medical packets and boxes on their one and only large table on his way past. 

Oh right. Wrecker was on his feet in a flash, accidentally bumping past Omega. "Oh sorry! I need to-!" 

"What happened to my med box?" Echo asked the general room almost sternly, looking both annoyed and confused at the sight of the medical paraphernalia in an unholy mess after all the trouble he went through organizing it just recently. "…did [____] have trouble digging through it for something last night while we were all sleeping? Oh I knew I should have found a crate with compartments and labels!" 

Echo was waved off, shooed away from his pet project before he had a chance to begin clustering everything by type. "N-no, it was me, I'm the one who made the mess, Echo." Wrecker confessed, giving his brother a sheepish, timid look as he sorted the supplies. He was afraid Echo would be mad at him, feeling bad that he'd made a mess of everything when he should have just switched on a light or something in order to locate something to help the ailing woman who couldn't muster the energy to shuffle into her own lodgings. "She looked in pretty rough shape when I came back from getting a snack and some other stuff and I wanted to do something to help and I-I made a mess trying to find something to help get her to sleep, I'm sorry. I'll take care of it." he continued, tenderly lying boxes on their narrow ends along the sides of the container the way he vaguely recalled them being in. 

Echo sighed in good humor, flicking his hand dismissively in the direction of the table. "Oh honestly, just leave it for the time being. M'not mad. And we'll probably be using a good deal of these supplies while she's sick, anyways… just dump everything back into the box so we have a clear surface for breakfast for everyone." 

"Even [____]?" Omega piped up softly, wondering if they should wake the scavenger. Hunter gave the proposed question some thought. Should they? Or just let her sleep and get her something to eat later? What did they even have for food within their living quarters at Cid's Parlor? It'd been some time since he remembered making a supply run that didn't involve Echo collecting medical paraphernalia and included food. They had to be low, just between the five of them, but now with [____], who they were taking care of... He couldn't guarantee that breakfast would be filling this morning without hoping some shops were open early. "Wrecker, how much food do we have?" Hunter knew that since Wrecker admitted to getting a snack, he'd have a better idea. 

"Ah," Wrecker mumbled, his expression making Hunter nervous, or disappointed, that Wrecker had had more than just a 'little snack' when they were low on food, "I forget… think I gathered at least a crate's worth from one of the late night shops for us. Got lots of soups that she likes, since I thought they might help while she recovers, too. No one feels like cookin' when they're going through some rough stuff." 

"I hope you didn't have perishables." Tech spoke up with a grimace, seeing the crate on the counter looking largely untouched.

"Oh Maker, let it go already." Echo grumbled, tweaking his scomp link and leg the way he normally did to ease the typical morning pains in his residual limbs. "That was one time. Do you really have to keep bringing that up? You wouldn't like me bringing up the last time you made a mistake. Like the time you played the mating call rather than the territorial call for that mission with Senator Binks on-" 

With the authoritative voice of a commanding officer, Hunter was quick to put an end to senseless posturing and provocation. "Enough. Both of you. We all have made mistakes on this team and it does us no good to badger our brothers about it like petty, personal grudges. This squad… needs to be sure we have each other's backs without questioning loyalty or our headspace all the time." Seeing the look on Omega's face, Hunter realized his words were perhaps harsher than he meant them, betraying inner feelings by indirectly bringing up their wayward brother. Questioning loyalty. Nobody had been questioning loyalty. He shouldn't have suggested that. 

Omega shuffled on her feet with a great deal of discomfort, blink-rate speeding up as she looked close to tears. "Hunter… That was too far."

He shouldn't have suggested that at all. "I'm sorry, ad'ika. You're right..." It was a meager apology, but it'd have to suffice for now. [____] was starting to stir behind Omega's back, a sharp and raspy crackle in her inhale. A warning: her lungs' irritation was probably stronger due to dehydration. "Omega get her some water, quickly." Maker, please don't be getting worse. "Easy, ad'ika, sit up slowly now. Take a slow, deep breath, Omega's getting you some water." The scavenger looked parched for certain, but she was also having trouble sitting up unassisted, her skin hot under Hunter's touch. Was her temperature spiking? "Maker, she's burning up." 

"Oh dear." Tech could be heard mumbling, hastily exiting his bunk with datapad in hand at Hunter's beckoning. "This does not look good. When was the last time her temperature was taken, Tech?" 

"My records say before dinner. It was elevated, but fevers generally rise later in the day so that is nothing unusual. Did you notice any increase in severity when you were awake with her last night, Wrecker?" 

Wrecker shook his head slowly, trying his best to think back before he himself had fallen asleep in front of his bunk for the night while [____] had slept in it. "I don't think so, Tech… she just looked like she was in more pain than anything an' couldn't sleep, didn't really think it was the fever." He wasn't comforted by the look that crossed Tech and Hunter's faces, unsure how those expressions meant anything other than worry as Tech brusquely stalked across the room to locate a temp-reader in Echo's medical crate. "Awh man… Did I screw up?" Did I make her worse?

Tech was careful to say nothing while he assessed both skin and oral temperatures with the reader and made a note of it in a data log, considering the weight and tone of his words while seeking answers. "Her temperature has climbed quite high now… You, hmm, were just making the best judgment call at the time, Wrecker. Based on what you said, I suspect that the pain was a result of rising fever. I was not awake to observe anything, so I can't speak with complete certainty other than assure you you did not "screw up"... and had only tried to help as you were asked. She will be fine." 

That was the most important thing. She would be fine, he hadn't done anything to make her worse that couldn't be taken care of easily enough here at Cid's Parlor. "Good… tha's good." Wrecker mumbled softly, feeling unfettered relief in those words from his brother while the scavenger was coached to take a careful swallow of water from a hydropack by Hunter. 

"Aw, don't look so w-worried, Wreck… I'll- khoff! - be okay." [____] remarked softly, cautious of the dry wheeze in her lungs when she spoke. "Jus' have to uh… t-take it pretty easy for a while, probably. Oh. Cid's not gonna be happy about that…" 

"Heh!" Wrecker scoffed, trading places with Hunter so he could get up and sort out breakfast for the six of them, "Don't you worry about Cid. You just leave her to me and focus on gettin' better again, ad'ika. Which, uh, hopefully won't take long if you're past the contagious period... right?" He nudged Tech with the edge of his elbow carefully, asking in a roundabout way if he had any idea. 

Adjusting his eyewear, Tech lifted the datapad to his face and puzzled over some numbers for a moment.

"She is past the most contagious period, correct. I would estimate… another five days of current symptoms without running additional tests. Perhaps after we've all had something to eat, I can do the additional health scans and find out what this infection is," he paused for just a moment, chewing half of his bottom lip in thought. "If that's what [____] wants." Tech added with some hesitation, making efforts to be careful of his words since Hunter had given everyone one of his many flavors of knock it off speeches. "There's time to think about it. If you'll excuse me, I believe I'll go help Hunter prepare things for breakfast. Echo, you haven't hidden any medical paraphernalia in the shelving by the cold-unit again, have you?" 

"Don't think so, but I oughta check." Tech and Echo exited the sleeping quarters, leaving just Wrecker and Omega to keep the sick scavenger company until the morning meal had been completed, whether it was a rare morning something was cooked, or everyone just had a portion of a ready-made meal from one of the shops parceled out to them. (There's only so much nutrient paste a sentient being can stomach before they long for real, identifiable foods.) The last time to [____]'s memory the Batch tried to do a little cooking, it'd been something typical of the foodstuffs they'd grown up on on Kamino, and Cid was, puzzlingly, none too pleased about the smell. Everything smelled fine to the scavenger at the time with the foodstuffs, so the situation pitted employee and employer against each other, one of the few times that the members of the Batch had seen their friend they'd hardly known long at that point very angry. 

Hoo boy, had that been a sight to see: the generally quiet and kind scavenger drawn up to her full height in all her fury, lashing back at Cid for unfairly critiquing the cuisine these Clones had been raised on when the Trandoshan herself hated remarks about the kinds of lunches she often ate from the Kashyyyk system and her home planet. It wasn't often that Cid's employees stood up to her, but at least when they did, Cid was likely to give them a couple of days of space (and maybe some degree of love-bombing) to let the troubled waters settle again. 

That didn't sound too bad, actually. Maybe get everyone on board to pretend her condition was a little worse than it actually was, give Cid a little pushback about needing to, y'know, really make sure everyone stayed healthy, and relent to the idea proposed yesterday that her friends would help take care of her while she was fighting this "rough" virus in the meantime. 

Noting the growing smile, Wrecker just chuckled softly with some degree of confusion, curiosity getting the best of the gentle giant. "Whatcha smiling about, kid?" 

"Oh… I think there's a way I can make sure it's more than just me who's getting time off for being sick." [____] mused idly, a second smile lazily blooming across her face as she made a casual lean into Wrecker's well-muscled chest after he'd put an arm around her and Omega once she sat down on his bunk on his other side at his offering. "I'll leave Cid to you, don't worry Wreck, but I've got a good idea of what to say that will get her to listen… I've known Cid long enough. Enough to make her nervous." 

It was all she had to suggest. 

And not long after breakfast, suddenly that rare component for an N-1 Starfighter the scavenger had been tasked with finding for a pushy client with deep pockets could almost miraculously wait just a little longer.

[blkkizzat]

hi im shy so i haven't interacted b4 but i luv your fics! i like that you write stories & just don't post smau or twt porn links.

Hey nonny! TY for liking my work, its appreciated!! I do encourage you to interact though, even if its just a comment or continued anon msgs cause they do encourage me to write. I also really like receiving them <33 so I hope you or anyone else feels comfy to interact with me. *i dont bite i promiseeeee*

However, I honestly don't think theres anything wrong with smaus or twt porn links.

I incorporated smaus into my fics before. I adore writing or reading a good crack fic/post so I definitely think they have their place too and they are funny! I just personally struggle when it comes to writing shorter content so not something in my wheelhouse to do. (lol anything i write under 1k words i automatically think is dogshit. lol someone teach me to write short stuff i beg.)

Also I be EATING UP those twt porn links!! I don't post any of my own as my twitter is a stan account and I don't follow/like/retwt porn on there cause I don't want to mess up my algorithm. But I do be bookmarking them HEAVY! They are good reference material for my smut fics tbh.

Also I try to stay out of the mess/discourse cause I feel like people should be able to enjoy what they like without writing lame dissertations in defense/debating about it. But since we are on the topic already I'll add I haven't really understood the hate for them in particular, especially those saying people who like/post them have porn addictions because what!? Like we are not all on here to write/read smut?? pot---meet--->kettle. Anyway I guess I can understand the frustration some have when they assume they are stealing attention away from fics, but idk tumblr is huge and there is a place/audience for everyone is my belief. I've seen many long 6k+ fics breaking 20k+ so I think theres interest in long fics as well (one of my 7k+ fic has 18k+ notes). But I work in marketing, am getting my MBA right now and have worked in the middle of business and creative my entire career (at one point i worked for Twitch directly with streamers/influencers) so I can say when it comes to anything content/creative driven its honestly it's less about the quality of the individual work and more about regularly finding, interacting and catering to your audience if you really care about notes that much . I think its far more important though to do it for fun. Especially since we are not getting paid and doing this for free-99! So much creativity gets stifled when its too much about the business/results/notes side and you are working to please others/for clout. Thats a whole ass job in itself lmfao! I used to write on ff.net back in the day (years ago omfg) and stressed myself out so much from all the reviews/requests that I ended up abandoning it and was scared to write fanfics for years because of the anxiety of 'letting ppl down' until I got back into it last fall and decided to stop giving a fuck LOL.

Ahhh but I could ramble on about that for hours so let me stop I'm doing what I said I didn't want to do cause this is def now a mini dissertation from me going down the rabbit hole on this LMFAO! (im long-winded af lol)

But ty for the ask nonny I hope you come back soon <3

[towerologist]

im convinced i already sent you an ask abt this but i cannot find it so maybe i hallucinated it? i am rewriting it cuz you are my coolest mutual and also bc its not like i can tell anyone in real life abt this

im Convinced my partner is at least partially transfem but its like. please how do i help em crack their egg

like for context some of the things that they do is: have extremely long hair, loves it when i call em a girl, loves to be called pretty, was so happy when i made em try my dresses, wanted me to put makeup and nailpolish on em, said that theyre fine with any pronouns, straight up told me they tought they were trans for like a week many years ago.... but they still call themselves a cis man

dont get me wrong i have brought this up w em like, as gently as i could, and they said that they kinda knew i had suspicions, and they questioned their gender too, but they are 99% sure theyre not trans. they continue to say they like any pronouns and smile so much when i use feminine pronouns w em.

so on one hand im like. this is your life, and obvs i cant force labels onto you, and sometimes people are just gender noncomforming. on the other hand, im preeeeeeeeettyvsure theres something deeper going on and i want to help my partner but i have no idea what to do

also its not like they dont have enough exposure to trans people, me and the other person in our friend group are both trans :p

I mean, honestly, let em know that they dont have to be a binary trans woman to be trans. If they feel fine with the label of cis man that is fine too! But you dont have to be uncomfortable or unhappy with your gender to be trans, often times someone with a more loose presentation might wonder for a long time because they dont fit the marks, but think 'im fine like this so i guess im not'. The thing is that it can be fine like that, surely, but it can be wonderful when trying other stuff. Honestly just let em know you'd hold their back whatever label they pick, and that labels are fluctuant and not something you gotta pick and stick with it. Also, they could simply not use any labels at all. One could be like 'well i dont think im a trans woman, i dont think im nonbinary, im def not a trans man because thats not my anatomy, so i guess im just cis', and while thats fine too, theres the option to simply be queer, or unlabeled. Let em know that they dont gotta pick something with any rush, that they dont need to define themselves in a word to fit in a twitter bio. If they find cis man descriptive for them, thats also wonderful! I find a lot of joy in seeing cis men use any pronouns and present femeninely. Someday in the future they might go for smth else, and it doesnt make their cis man-ness less true to who they are now, and their autodefinition of 'cis man' now isnt less because of what they might pick next. Make sure they know its a matter of preference and comfort, rather than discomfort and guidelines. Make sure they can be whoever they want around you, which im sure you already do. Talk to them about how they feel, ask them about what the labels they use mean to them and share about the labels you use and the meaning these have for you. We have all the options in the world, always, me, you, them, everyone else who exists. Nothing is permanent and a small change could signify a big joy. Im sorry if this is a big paragraph of 'just be yourself 🏳️‍🌈 :)', i could probably be of more help if i knew them but alas i hope this is something at least!

[aoyama-division]

ARB Birthday Special 2024: Karada Kessaku

~~ May 1st ~~

"Famous men have the whole earth as their memorial."

Login Lines:

"...99... 100! Woo! Man, working hard always makes me feel tired and good at the same time! ...Hmm? Oh hey, what's up? ...A gift? Thanks, but what's it for?"

"...My birthday? ...Oh crap, I totally forgot! That was today, wasn't it? Bad enough I forgot last year. I'd have been embarrassed if I forgot this year too. Thanks dude! I appreciate it!"

Voice Lines:

"A lot of my fans came and wished me a 'happy birthday' which was appreciated. Say what you want about Aoyama, but the people here, we look out for our own, yo!"

"Hey, Gramps. It's me again. Glad to see you're doing well. You probably already know this, but... yeah, today's my birthday. I know, I know. I forgot last year. My bad. But... well, you probably already know this, but... you're the reason that I can still celebrate them. If not for you, I'd... I probably wouldn't even be here right now. I know I say this all the time, but... I'm really grateful to you, Gramps."

"Man, 29 years old. Just one year shy of 30. I don't know exactly how to feel about that. I mean, I won't say I've wasted my life up until now, but... damn it, why am I thinking about depressing stuff like that? It's my birthday. I should be happy!"

"Hey Tomi! Thanks for taking time to visit me today! ...Ha, thanks man! That means a lot! You're one of my cherished friends too! Speaking of which, how long have we known each other? I mean, Lu and I have known each other since high school, but... the first time we met was at a party, right? ...Yup, that day was one of the best cause I met a guy who I could rely on!"

"So what did you happen to get me this year? ...What's this? A... ring? ...Dude, this is cool and all, but... you do know I'm straight, right? ...Oh! It's one of those A.I. rings that monitors your heartrate and helps with exercise? Oh! Oh man. Thanks Tomi! I'll be sure to utilize this, man! Thanks a lot! ...But for future reference, maybe don't tell your guy friends that you bought them a ring. They may take it the wrong way."

"Hey Lu! Thanks for taking the time out to visit me, man! I'm glad to see you made it out of the kitchen! Speaking of which, I hope you know that since its my birthday, that means you have to cook me up a full meal with all my favorite foods! And it has to be free! ...Hahaha! Relax, dude! I'm just kidding. ...Ahh! No, wait! I'm sorry! Don't ban me again, please! ...Sheesh, Lu. I love you, but you really need to learn to take a joke, man."

"So anyway, what did you get me for my birthday? ...A water bottle? ...No offense, but that seems kinda plain, even for you, Lu. ...Oh, wait. It's one of those self-cleaning water bottles? And it keeps my drink cold for a whole day?! Oh man! Thanks Lu! I really appreciate it! This is going to come in handy at the gym! Thanks man! ...Ha! Thanks man, I mean it!"

Tomi Lines:

"Happy birthday to you, Karada. ...And why would I not take time to visit you on your special day? Despite how I may normally feel, you are one of my most cherished friends. ...Yes, it was a soiree my parents were hosting, I believe. I must admit, I didn't expect to see you there that day, but... I don't regret conversing with you. ...Ha, thank you, Karada. The feeling is mutual, I assure you."

"Anyway, enough reminiscing. Here is your birthday gift. ...Yes, it is a ring. ...Karada, do not be foolish for once. Yes, it is a ring, but not the kind you're thinking of. It's one designed to monitor your heartrate, health and other such things needed for exercise. ...You're welcome, I'm glad you like it. ...Do not worry. You are probably the only male I'd ever buy a ring for."

Luis Lines:

"Hey Karada. Happy birthday to you. ...Well, lucky for you, today was a slow day at work, so I closed up early. . ...Only because it's your birthday, I'll let that one slide. Otherwise, I'd have banned you from my restaurant again for that comment. ...Whatever. You know me, Karada. I am who I am, regardless of what people think."

"Anyway, here's your birthday gift. ...Yes, it's a water bottle, genius, but not just any water bottle. I saw an ad for it on T.V. one day. It's a self-cleaning water bottle. It uses UV light to kill bacteria, and it cleans itself every two hours. And it even keeps your water hot or cold depending on how you want it. ...Yeah, no problem. Glad you like it. Again, happy birthday."

[i-platypus]

Numbers 1, 3, and 33.

Thank you!!!!

(1) What are 3 things you’d say shaped you into who you are?

Ooooh boi, heavy-stuff time about loss:

* I first moved across country when I was 10 years old. I discovered that not everyone who purports to be your friend is sincere. It was a deeply lonely feeling. BUT I have since learned how to hold on to those friendships that make my life better, and how to let go of the ones that no longer do (98% of the time -- it's still hard, of course, to say goodbye).

* My father passed away from a sudden cardiac event when he was still considered quite young for a heart attack (age 55, 10 years ago this July)... I love(d) him more than words can ever express, but he did stop taking care of himself as he aged and it still feels like such a waste, since he had beat leukemia just four years prior. PLEASE eat well, move your body, and practice self care (de-stress, don't give all of yourself to work, etc.) -- you do really never know when you won't be around anymore 💛🌹💛 and express love every day (love in any form, of course, for my aro friends).

THAT SAID...

* I fell in love with someone back in college who was everything to me. We were friends first, and I felt very close to him, but because I am Ace/Demi (but didn't recognize that yet), I never knew how to show/tell him that I love(d) him. Well, things got weird, the friendship (and my heart) broke... and, I guess we're pretty much estranged from each other now? We still share a friend group, so I see him on rare occasions, but losing that... situationship.... taught me the mission-critical-importance of communication. If you feel something, do your damndest to articulate it -- because regretting your past silence is its own form of madness; you are likely to hear the words you never said play out in your head over and over again, so you may as well spit it out.

(3) 3 films you could watch for the rest of your life and not get bored of?

I technically answered this already, but now I'ma gonna pick three MORE favorite films:

(It’s so stupid and over-the-top, I just love it)

Casablanca (99% perfect film that I can quote all the way through)

The Princess Bride (I am not immune.)

(33) Do you have any hobbies?

I'm a singer, so if I'm not bursting into song at the drop of the proverbial hat, there's something very wrong.

I also play DnD, write short stories and fanfic, and I will go paddleboarding when it gets warmer up here in Washington 🌤

🩵🩵🩵🩵🥂

[angelicpersonals]

A personal mini rant

Under the cut is just a small vent. Going through some things lately. I dont recommend having like 28 different friend groups, it sucks. My actual friends please don't read this, this is just to scream into the void at strangers.

Since I got sick like 3 or 4 weeks ago, I dont remember exact timeline anymore. My mental health plummeted faster, it was not the greatest before then and slowly deteriorating but it got worse worse worse. I have not had the support I needed from family or friends. Lets be clear I "make a lot of friends" but its mostly shallow and one sided friendships. Its "easy for me to talk to people" because I force myself to push down the crippling anxiety and I put myself out there as the butt of the joke making a fool of myself PERFORMING to be likeable. I have heard these things repeated to me by 8 different people the last 3 days alone when I was trying to get emotional support for my depression and loneliness. As for those 3 or 4 weeks. I had to be strong and supportive to everyone around me constantly during it even while sick I'd pop online and was helping people in DMs. A few people cared about my physical health. But mental? even fewer. Everyone thinks I have tons of friends that im beloved and have a huge strong support network. I dont. my "support" network consists of a "Well shit that sucks im sorry. So anyways about me-" for 99% of the people in my life. Theres the slim 1% thats actually there. Yet everyone thinks im so popular and lucky acting like I have no problems and if I do complain about problems its not as bad as everyone elses according to so many people and im selfish for even having problems. Im NOT. The "popularity" you see is because im the therapist and comedic f*cking relief. its not genuine support, its not encouragement. "but they react to your stuff with emojiis" Oh WOOOW yes, like they do everyone elses even STRANGERS. that doesnt make me special. "but they complimented xyz" oh so the occasional / rare compliment on somethings visual appeal like how HOT it is, makes it a supportive encouraging friendship that motivates and inspires me and feels good? Shallow temporary praise means NOTHING. Thats NOT friendship. I have to claw tooth and nail for anything in my life even to be included in hang outs. I have to INSERT MYSELF. Im never invited. If I leave a call 99% of the time im not missed or noticed or just get an "oh bye" yet everyone will worry over eachother when others leave saying they will miss eachother, asking if smth is wrong, etc. If I publically talk about my emotions 99% of the time it will be ignored except for the rare person like K, S and R. R who went pep talking EVERYONE one day. K & S who has been there every time I vent publically in my own server. If I vent in private it gets brushed over like "Shit I feel that way too, sucks for you" or worse I've gotten "you're so selfish" lately when I have said I didn't want to play a damn VIDEO GAME because I am mentally unwell. I will drop everything im doing and go through everything step by step with people pull out all my experiences to try to offer advice or support trying to find the right words to say taking it serious EVERY TIME. Does that sound like a fair equal friendship? When im supporting everyone elses emotions, mental health, dreams, art, writing, etc and I recieve 1% of that same energy back? Dont come @ me with how lucky I am says I get everything in life when I get ONE GOOD THING, I hear it EVERY time where as for me its a REPRIEVE from all the shitty things a RARE reprieve. I have heard this from too many people the past few days. Being in 25k debt as a household isnt lucky Getting to see 10 - 20$ of my 100$ a month isn't lucky. Getting 1k a YEAR isn't lucky Having breaking down old shit being unable to repair, afford to repair or afford to replace any of it, isn't lucky. Having to put in so much effort and energy into everything all the time in every aspect of my life even my family relationships, with no to miniscule and rare return, isn't lucky. Having constant disabilities and chronic illnesses / inherited illnesses fucking me up every single day and struggling through them isn't lucky. Im tired of feeling invalidated and minimized and having my pain ignored. Sincerely Fuck you K#2. A, P, R.

[caitimetravels]

she's insignificant

chapter 5: he should have stayed on that moon

the umbrella academy x (fem) reader

disclaimer: i do not own the plot/storyline of the netflix tv series and i do not own the umbrella academy characters.

warnings: mentions of blood

masterlist

"there you are!" allison ran up behind luther in the hallway. "i've been looking everywhere for you" 

"what are you still doing here? i thought you were gone" he turned to look at her in surprise.

"no, i was gonna go and then pogo showed me this-" she tried to explain what she had found but luther cut her off with a shake of his head.

"well, listen.. i was wrong about dad's death"

"what?"

"yeah, i was wrong about y/n, you know, to accuse my own sister of that- it's just-"

"no, no, i get it-"

"seeing all of you and being back here. i-i should be the one who's trying to bring us all back together not tear us apart-"

"would you shut up?"

"what?"

"you were right. about dad. come on, i gotta show you something"

————————————————–

"i can't" eight didn't like crying, especially not in front of her father. he was always cruel, no matter how much the children pleaded and sobbed. she crumpled to the floor, exhausted. she hated training alone, she wanted to train with her siblings outside in the snow, it looked like more fun than this was.

"you are weak, number eight! we will continue until you can get it right" reginald glared down at her. "again!" 

she pushed herself up, wobbling. she weakly pushed herself again, trying to make something, anything happen. she squeezed her eyes shut, hands forming fists as she thought hard about what her father wanted. she didn't even know what she was expected to do. to no surprise, nothing happened. reginald sighed heavily, disappointed. he pulled a watch from his pocket before staring down at her as she fell to her knees again.

"you are dismissed, dinner will be in 20 minutes" and she was left alone. reginald disappeared into his office once again. she lay on the floor for a moment, heaving for breath. they had been training for hours, pushing her past her limits. grace and pogo lead her siblings, minus vanya, in through the doors. not wanting them to see her like that she gripped the table behind her, pulling herself up and leaning against it. 

"y/n?" ben frowned, stepping over. the others look at her in shock. she shook him off, grumbling about how she was 'fine'. he watched her stumble up the stairs, cringing in pain. her siblings all shared a saddened look. 

when they did rush down for dinner, y/n slumped into her chair, dark bags under her eyes. she barely touched her food, pushing it around her plate.

"number eight!" the next thing she knew five was holding her head up and her father was yelling at her. he degraded her, insulted her but she didn't hear a thing. five slowly let go of her, watching her carefully before turning away, back to his meal.

she sat up straighter and actually started to eat the food on her plate, after all, she must train on a full stomach.

————————————————–

y/n and five walked up the stairs of the mansion, feet dragging heavily. as they stepped up they were met with luther and allison.

"five? y/n? what the hell happened to you?" both stayed silent. y/n stared at her feet in a sort of daze. everything was still kind of confusing. 

"are you okay?" luther reached out to five, "can we help?" the said boy took him by surprise, hand snapping up and grabbing his fist.

"there's nothing you can do" he spat before his expression saddened, "there's nothing any of you can do.."

y/n looked up, watching as he went. she frowned.

"you alright?" she stared at luther for a moment, grimacing as she remembered what they had last talked about. she kept her mouth shut, brushing past him to her room. 

"y/n, wait-"

"just fuck off, luther" she snapped before he could say anything. he should have stayed on that moon.

————————————————–

"number eight" the remaining five siblings with powers stood in a line. it had been a couple weeks since ben's death now. reginald stood in front of them. they had all been told today's training would be different. "step forwards" she did as she was told, standing in front of the others. "you will be using your powers on your siblings today" 

her head snapped up at that as did the others. she had never used her powers on them before and they knew what she could do to others. he sent the others all around the house. she was told to find them, sensing where they were with a blindfold on, almost like hide and seek without any of the fun. it was when she had found them all for the seventh time that she sensed something else. 

"there are five people in line" she stated, "vanya?" 

"wrong" she heard her father scold. "there are only four"

"there's a fifth, i can sense it" she frowned, pulling her blindfold off to see only her four siblings. they all looked confused. "klaus.. is there a ghost? it.. it feels like ben"

"no" he answered far too quickly. ben turned on him from beside him,

"what? klaus! i am here! tell her i'm here!" 

"no, he's not" 

"klaus! what the hell?! you're so selfish! i am here!" but of course, she never knew that..

————————————————–

"come on, luther, i have to show you" allison tried to pull him away but he continued to stare at where y/n had told him to 'fuck off'. he felt.. guilty.

"but.. what about y/n?" he looked at her. he hated that he upset her, he hated that he had accused her without any actual evidence. she was only a child, just like diego said. 

"she's angry, let her cool off. you should apologise but not right now, give her some time" allison offered a soft smile, "that's all she needs, some time. now, come on, this is important" 

"i just.. i feel guilty" luther frowned as they walked towards their father's room filled with cameras. "i shouldn't have assumed-"

"she'll understand" allison reassured with a smile. 

————————————————–

y/n sat in her corner of the library, reading alone. she was calm, it was her safe place, nobody could bother her here. no training, no arguments, just peace.

"eight.." she looked up from her book at her brother's voice. five.

"what's wrong?" she shuffled over, eyebrows furrowing at the look on his face. he was worried, something five wasn't usually.. or at least he never showed it.

"i.. i want to time travel" he begun softly, taking a seat beside her. she frowned, why was he telling her? "i want to try but dad refused to teach me"

she froze, "you're going to try anyway" she realised. he nodded, now looking up at her.

"i know you think i hate you but i don't" he slowly begun, thinking of the words he was trying to say. "i'm telling you because i think you're the most trustworthy.. and i.." he paused, unsure of how to say what he wanted to. "i think you're the strongest, eight, no matter what our siblings may say"

"five.." she grimaced, "i know we don't talk much but i'll support you if anything happens"

"i do want to talk to you more" he sighed, ashamed for having obeyed his father's stupid rules. "but-"

"no, no. it's not your fault" y/n shook her head. "it's hard to go against him, i understand"

"you're too kind.. you shouldn't forgive people so easily, they'll take advantage of you" five frowned and she laughed. 

"i thought i was the strongest, huh?" she nudged his shoulder with her own, finally getting a small smile.

————————————————–

"let me do that" y/n pulled a chair beside five, gently pulling the needle and thread out of his hand. he frowned but let her anyways. "you're antsy" she pointed out, eyeing his bouncing knee. "going somewhere in a rush?" 

"i need to go back" he stared out the door, ready to rush out. "i need to find whoever this eye belongs to so that i can stop the apocalypse" 

"i know" y/n nodded, eyebrows furrowing in concentration as she finished stitching him up. she gently used a cloth to wipe the blood off his arm before placing a bandaid over it. five stood, pulling his shirt on and buttoning it up.

"can i come?" she watched him stuff dolores into the duffle bag and swing it onto his back. 

"no" he barely spared her a glance as he moved towards the window. he climbed out.

"what? why not? come on, five" she leaned out the window, watching him begin to climb down the fire escape. 

"i need to do this, y/n, it's important" he looked up at her now. "just wait for me here, i'll come back, okay?"

albeit hurt she nodded, she needed to be understanding. she frowned, moving away from the window, hoping to find something else to do. instead as she walked out of the room she noticed luther.

she quickly moved towards her room, hoping he wouldn't see her. she couldn't deal with anymore fighting right now. to her misfortune he did notice her, following her to her room. she swiftly locked the door as she ducked inside.

"hey.. y/n?" luther stood outside her locked door, hand giving a single knock.

"what do you want?" she hissed back, refusing to open it for him. she didn't need anymore of his accusations.

"i'm.. i'm sorry for accusing you" luther sighed. he had to get this over with, she deserved an apology. "it was wrong and i shouldn't have jumped to conclusions like that"

he heard her cautious footsteps as she made her way to the door. there was pause before she slowly peeked out. 

"you mean it..?" she frowned, eyeing his carefully. he nodded.

"i'm sorry. i know you've probably been lonely here, i know what it's like-"

"just shut up" she breathed out a laugh, pulling the door open fully, looking relieved. "no more fighting, please? i just want my family back.." the last part was quiet, vulnerable. luther nodded, smiling back. 

"no more fighting" there was a comfortable silence that fell over the two of them before luther spoke again.

"by the way, do you know where five is?"

"yeah, why?" she tilted her head at him, confused.

"we're having a family meeting.. it's about mom. i'm going to get him"

"okay, but i can't guarantee he'll find this as important as you do"

tag list: @rxses-and-reverie @lostgreekgod @on-yourmark-99 @bicyhot1 @navs-bhat @midnightmystic

[callme-barnes]

Besitos

*Pictures are not mine*

Summary: Demons can be fun, at least you know you can be. When you go out to claim a soul as yours, Bucky finds you and it only adds on to the fun.

Pairing: Demon!Bucky x Demon!Fem!Reader

Word Count: 3.3k

Warnings: SMUT (Demon!Bucky is a sin), oral sex (f! receiving), rough sex, slight daddy kink, blood kink (if you squint), talk of religion (not much), dirty talk

IF YOU ARE A MINOR PLEASE DO NOT INTERACT! THIS WORK IS FOR THOSE 18+ ONLY!

A/N: Again, this work is 18+ only!. Do not repost my work anywhere! This is a one-shot based off of a series I really want to put out at some point. I've been having a tough go of it and this work Ade me feel better to write. Please do not judge my smut writing as I am still pretty new to it. All mistakes are mine. But otherwise please enjoy and feel free to interact with me if you liked it! Enjoy ladies & gents!

___________________________________________________

Y/N watched from the comfort of a dark corner at the bar at all the bodies dancing underneath the strobe lights of the club. It had hit its peak at about 1 in the morning, and it was the right time for you to strike the target you had come here to find.

His name was John, a pretty good looking man by human standards. Tall, dark and handsome as you once would’ve described him. Had a beautiful pregnant fiance at home by the name of Lily who was ready to give birth to a handsome baby boy any day now by what you could gather from Lily’s pleas for help. You had overheard her one night, crying herself to sleep as she prayed to God to help her make sense of her situation. She was stuck at home, waiting for a man who would go out and have fun with his friends. And other women.

She had prayed for clarity, safety and a change of heart for him. And strength and courage for herself. To be able to keep her fiance and to change what was wrong with her. Of course nothing was wrong with Lily. She was pregnant, ready to burst at any second. She was bringing a life into this world, risking her body and her health and for what? For a man who refused to change his way of life because that’s what he had grown accustomed to? Or in his words, “To be a slave to a family?”

You had found yourself in that situation once, praying to God for a man that couldn’t give a shit less if you had dropped dead. As long as he maintained his freedom and habits all was well. Instead the man you had grown to love had left you for a cute petite brunette, claiming you had been smothering him with your “jealousy” and your “excessive” calls when you only wanted to be with him.

Your praying touched upon deaf ears of course and it was then that you realized no one was out there to protect you. You were on your own to deal with the hardships of your life.

Until you met him. James Barnes.

He had been your savior when you were ready to give up all hope. Bucky, as you’ve grown to call him, had given you strength and a new life. A life devoted to taking what you wanted and not being sorry about it. A life devoted to him. But that was a tale for another time.

That’s how you ended up appearing to the poor young woman. Sat in her bed, in pain both physically and emotionally. You had appeared before her dressed in a beautiful black dress, the slit high up your thigh and a pair of your favorite black stilettos. She had been scared. As she should have been. Your power emanated before her, putting her in a trance before you disappeared into the shadows, sending her a small devilish grin.

You set your plan into motion when you saw him headed for the restroom area. He was intoxicated beyond his logical mind, which was just the way you liked them. Downing the remainder of your drink, you made your way to the back area, the sea of people splitting as you walked past them making a direct walkway to your destination. When you stood in front of the mens room, those who waited in line stared with hunger. Intensity. Desire. Your hand reached out to touch one of their gawking faces before sending him a wink and walking in after John. The light cheering on the other end of the door made you smile as you locked it behind you and walked towards the sink counter. You perched yourself on top of it, the red lights casting a hellish glow across your skin.

The stall door opened and you felt your insides twist in anticipation as John walked out, his eyes blinking to focus and his hands holding onto the wall for stability and guidance.

Showtime.

You watched as John made his way to the sinks before finally realizing he wasn’t alone, stopping just a foot in front of you. Your leg shifting up to cross over your other, the slit in your dress falling to either side to give him a nice little peek of your ass.

“Hey there handsome”

You were laying it on thick sure, but you weren’t going to lie, you were excited for this one. It hit a little too close to home for you and you were practically bursting open at the seams.

“Who...who are you?”

“I’ve been watching you all night you know. Trying to muster up the courage to approach you and talk to you”

He almost immediately dropped his guard, his vibrations shifting from reserved to open and ready. Good.

“Well hot stuff here we are. And you found me, here all vulnerable. Naughty girl”

You smiled at him as you stood up, your heels clicking on the tile as you reached over to grab his shirt and pull him close to you, pressing your body up against his own.

“Oh I can be very naughty”, you said and leaned up to kiss him. Your tongue slithered against his own, your pace slow waiting for him to respond. Which he did and quickly. His hands reached out to rest on your ass, his hands squeezing and bringing you in to rub against the hard on he was sporting. You sent him a small moan in response, obviously fake but that only spurred him on further.

His hands reached down to just underneath your ass before you pushed away from him and moved to perch yourself back up on the counter making sure to make a show of opening your legs to invite him in.

“I’ve been really lonely. I haven’t had a man in so long baby”

He was entranced by you, his focus resting on your open thighs and practically foaming at the mouth.

“You know how hard it is to find a single honest man in this city? I noticed you weren’t wearing a ring and you came here by yourself. Are you lonely too?”

This was it, the opportunity for your prey to make amends. You weren’t completely heartless, you had been human once. You had made mistakes too, so you always gave them a chance. Yet 99% of the time, they failed. So you got a chance to have some fun. Your eye contact didn’t falter as you ran your hand down between the valley of your breasts, the other trailing up to reveal the lacy thong you were wearing.

“Fuck...yes I’m....I’m so lonely”

There it was. The opportunity you were looking forward to because let's face it you knew this piece of shit was too set in his ways to repent. You sent him a smile as your fingers began to rub at yourself over your panties, letting out a small moan to coax him in.

“You wanna fuck me? It’s been so long since I’ve had a real man fuck me good”

He closed his eyes, letting out a shuddering breath before walking over and settling himself between your open legs, his hands grasping at your thighs, “Fuck me Johnny boy”

You moved up to kiss him again, this time more aggressively as your innocent facade began to slip away.

“Now I know there’s a God”

You stopped yourself from laughing or scoffing as your hands moved down to rub at his cock through his jeans, watching him as he tore his lip open with how hard he was biting down and you leaned up, making sure you pressed your body against him to give him one last little feel, moving your lips to his ear

“No God here John. Only me”

As you made your way to unbuckle his pants he hesitated a bit and you leaned back “What’s wrong baby? I thought you wanted to fuck me? Don’t you want to?”

“Yes I...fuck I do. Did you ask my friends my name? I don’t think I ever got yours?”

You watched a shadow move from behind John and before you could respond you saw him. Coming out of the shadows looking as handsome as the devil himself. Bucky.

“What does it matter? Don’t you just want to get inside me?”

As you spoke you made eye contact with Bucky from behind John’s shoulders as you leaned back and opened your legs up to give him a view. You smirked to yourself as Bucky’s demeanor changed and before John could get another word out you watched his eyes widen in fear, finally catching onto Bucky in the mirror’s reflection but by then it was too late. Bucky’s hand had reached into John’s back and grabbed onto his heart, squeezing tight before John collapsed lifeless onto the floor.

You watched him, standing up and looking down at him before shifting to Bucky with a smile, “That was my soul to take”

Bucky watched you, his eyes darkening in discontent “I really wish you’d keep your hands to yourself when taking your souls babygirl”

You leaned against the counter and shrugged, “Where’s the fun in that? Besides, how else would I get you all riled up and angry?”

Bucky was in front of you in a blink, his hand wrapping around your throat as he pressed himself up against you. The proximity of the man in front of you made you melt, your body immediately submitting to him as he stared at you. If you had a soul you were sure he’d be looking into it.

“Is that what it is? You like when I’m angry and jealous?”

You fluttered your eyelashes at him, “You’ve been so busy baby. I’ve had to fill the void with what I could take”

That didn’t make him loosen his hold or react, he just kept staring at you as if to say it was your move now and who were you if not an amazing actress.

“We both know I belong to you. And I wouldn’t want to fuck anyone else but you”

You moved your hand to grab onto his own that was pressed against your neck, leaning down to take two of his fingers into your mouth and began sucking on them. Bucky’s chest rumbled with a growl as he stood before you mesmerized, his dick twitching against his black dress pants he had on.

“I brought us an audience daddy,” you said when you pulled away from his hand a small trail of spit following your lips “You know how much I love it when people hear us fucking. It gets me so wet just thinking about all those guys out there wanting to get in my panties while my one and only is fucking me stupid”

That had done it for him, he slammed you against the mirror behind you causing it to break and fall around you as he took your lips in his, kissing you sloppy and animalistic. You let out a moan and a smile in victory, pressing your body into him not caring if you cut your hand on the shards that surrounded you. Bucky grabbed onto the point where your dress slit ended on your hip and tore the fabric open, making you gasp “This is my favorite dress”

“I’ll buy you another”

His growl tore through you, going straight to your aching core causing you to begin grinding against his dick for some relief. You reached your hand up to lick the trail of blood from your hand that was cut open making a show of it, your tongue trailing against your finger before motioning for him to get close. You pulled him into you and kissed him, hearing him moan into your mouth as you shamelessly continued grinding against him

“I want your dick daddy. Fuck I want it so bad. Need you to fuck me please. My pussy is so wet for you”

Bucky reached down and tore your panties from your body, his fingers trailing along your slit and gathering your wetness onto his fingers before slipping them into his mouth, moaning in response “Fuck you know just how to get me going little one. Want me to eat you out you little minx? Do you want to come on my tongue?”

You whined as you nodded and lifted your legs, your heels propping themselves up onto the counter to open up for him “Please. Want to cum on your tongue daddy. Make me cum please”

Bucky kneeled down in front of your open thighs and wasted no time as he leaned in and began to lick at every crevice he could reach and even some you didn’t know he could reach. His tongue worked from your entrance all the way up to your clit, making quick work of it. You moaned out obscenely, your hand reaching down to grip his hair and pressing him further into you as you grind your pussy down onto his face. You pleaded and moaned louder as he sucked and licked at you, your heels falling onto his back and digging into his skin. He hissed in response but otherwise kept at it, licking and sucking and repeating until you felt that familiar twist in your stomach.

“Oh fuck...yes please. Please give it to me, make me cum for you daddy. Shit yes!”

You made sure to be as loud as you wanted knowing the audience that had gathered on the other side of the restroom door. Bucky hit that one spot on your clit over and over again, causing your toes to curl in your heels and your back to arch up dramatically. Your eyes rolled up as you came loud and hard, your body convulsing and your thighs squeezing his head as he continued to suck. You attempted to push him away as you felt your body become too sensitive which only caused him to pin you down harder on the counter as he continued

“I...I can’t. Wait….oh fuck”

But he was a demon possessed as he kept going before you felt yourself come again, harder this time as you gripped onto the sink the pressure causing you to snap one of the handles clean off. You felt your release flow out of you as Bucky pulled away and wiped his lips with the back of his hand “Shit I love it when you do that for me”

His shirt was wet with your orgasm and he sent you a smirk as he undid his pants, bringing his cock out as he stroked it. You watched him in awe as you smiled at him, your eyes just as black as his as he reached over to pick you up and slammed you against the nearest wall. You gasped, wrapping your legs around his hips to bring him close, feeling his cock hard against your core.

“Fuck me. My pussy wants you so bad”

Bucky smirked at you before lining himself up and pushing into you fully in one thrust. You let your head rest back against the wall, unable to form a sound when you tried to moan before he began to slam up into you. He fucked you like an animal, all teeth and hands and no emotion. The air of authority fell off of him and made you moan and squeal every time he slid past that spot inside of you. Your nails made work, scratching at his neck when you tried to hold on, at his back causing his shirt to rip open and at the upper part of his ass so you could bring him closer to you.

“I want another out of you little one. I want you to cum all over my dick before I cum inside of this tight pussy you understand me? You gonna do that for me baby? Gonna….shit, gonna give me another one?”

“Oh fuck yes daddy I’ll do it. Anything for you, anything”

He pounded into you at a relentless pace, the vibrations coming off of the two of you causing the lights to flicker in small space and the doors to the stalls to shake on the hinges. When you felt your third orgasm coming you leaned in to kiss him and bite at his bottom lip roughly. You graced him with the most pornographic sounds you had in you, urging him on before you came, your walls gripping onto him like a vice not wanting to let him go. Bucky groaned and let his head fall back before he gripped your hips and began to take full control, using his strength to pull you down on him harder to get into you deeper. The force caused you to slam against the tile wall as you held onto him for salvation.

“Talk to me baby” he said as he used a hand to grab your jaw and made you look at him, “You know how much I love hearing you talk filthy to me”

Your walls spasmed around him as you felt what could have been another orgasm coming as you kept eye contact with him

“Oh daddy, I want you to come inside me. Want you to fill me completely with your cum. I want to be able to feel you inside of me for days. Please give it to me, please cum for me. You make me feel so good baby. Give it to me, fuck give it to me”

Your words drove him to the edge, his hips stuttering as he pushed into you again and he spilled himself inside of you, his orgasm also spurring on another of your own. Bucky’s hands grabbed onto you and pulled you in tightly as he rode out his release into you, pulling out slowly and pushing any cum that was slipping out back into you. You had a dumb smile on your face and you kissed him and pulled away.

“Want to finish this somewhere a little more private?”

Bucky listened to you finally hearing the cheers on the other side of the door and he smirked to himself as he leaned in to kiss you once again and set you on your feet so he could adjust himself, “You really are a bad girl”

You hummed in response as you looked in the mirror and fixed your eyeliner a bit, stepping over the dead body on the floor and you looked down “Almost forgot he was in here”

Bucky chuckled to himself and moved to take a hold of your waist. “What did this poor bastard do?”

“He has a pregnant fiance at home. Figured someone should teach him about consequences so he could use it in his next lifetime”

Bucky let out a deep but loud laugh as he squeezed you to him, “Let’s get outta here”

You smiled as you moved to unlock the bathroom door and allowed it to open a bit before walking back to Bucky and shifting out of the bathroom. You stood right outside and when you heard screaming and commotion you grinned in delight before walking towards Bucky who was waiting for you.

“Thank you”

You leaned up to kiss his cheek and looked down at you with admiration, “What for little one?”

“For blessing me with a new life worth living”

Bucky smiled as you both made your way down the busy street, ignoring the looks you got at your obvious physical state. His lips kissed your temple and he pulled you closer into him, “You deserve it. Now, my place or yours?”

[blueprint-han]

[Image ID: A black picture with the title “HOW TO SUPPORT FANFICTION AUTHORS” written in bold caps lock, colored with a winter forest picture. End ID.]

Well, this post has been made countless times, but I’m making one too because I’ve seen a lot of people say they’re new to tumblr and don’t know the whole “reblogging is better than liking” rule and other stuff. So without any further ado, here are ways YOU can support the fanfiction authors. Now keep in mind this applies to almost every author out there, not just the stayblr fandom, so if you’re a silent reader (or even if you aren’t), I advise you go through this post. Warning, this is a fairly long post going into detail, so yeah. I still expect you, the readers to read this, and if you’re a writer, feel free to lmk if i’ve written smth wrong or if you want me to add something! ^^

In this post I’ll go into thorough analysis of the pros and cons of each of the methods listed here and how YOU as a reader can show the authors whose fics you read more love and motivate them to produce content.

WARNING; LONG POST! GOES INTO A DECENT AMOUNT OF DETAIL. NOT EDITED, EXCUSE ANY TYPOS.

#1 : LIKING !

I think this is basic common knowledge, and a lot of people tend to do this. When you like the post, the author sees it, you see it, and if the author has their liked posts accessible (which majority of the time they don’t), and if someone deliberately goes to check it, then they see it. See why so many authors say just liking does nothing? Only liking says “Hey, I’m gonna tell you your story is not that good by simply liking it and not sharing it with other people. :D”

♯ PROS:

You’re telling the author that you've read their fic, and either you’ve enjoyed it to a certain extent, or you’re just saving it to read for later.

Likes are seen by you, the author and anyone who has access to your likes (which, most people don’t).

♯ CONS:

If you ONLY like, you’re not really helping the author’s work reach a wide audience because this site isn’t Instagram. Reblogging is the only way people can SEE our works. I’ll cover more on that in the next section.

In a nutshell, liking is good! But you should most likely use it in a combination with the other stuff I’ve listed below, because just the like itself doesn’t really do much in giving the author any feedback or interaction on their fics.

To clear shit up; I’m not talking about those people who don’t read the story or appreciate it in the first place. I’m talking about those who appreciate the fic, like it, but don’t leave any sort of feedback to show that.

#2 : REBLOGGING !

This is SO, SO important. I cannot stress on this enough. Let me explain WHY so many writers stress on reblogging content: 

Tumblr’s tag system is inherently fucked up, and has grown more so over the year. I’m not kidding, at first, the fic either used to show up in the tags or it didn’t, but now, sometimes your fic can be REMOVED from the tags because of,,, idk tumblr tag shit. Anyways, as you can see, it’s very demotivating for authors at that point, because the major way for people to find their content and expand their blogs has been blocked.  

Due to this reason, tumblr authors need to RELY on you, their followers to help spread their works to a wider audience. Now again, before you get me wrong, I’m not saying you ae forced to rb our works regardless of whether you like them or not. BUT, that being said, if you DO infact like the story, there’s no harm in reblogging, right? By doing this you’re indirectly telling the author — “hey! :D I liked your fic! Which is why I am gonna share it to my followers so they can read it too :D” Trust me, you’re doing nothing but helping the people who produce content for you to read. Seems like a worthy cause to hit the reblog button, right? It’s only a one, or maximum two step procedure.

Leave tags in your reblogs! Trust me, as an author myself and as much as I know from all my author friends, we oft check the tags of your reblogs to see if you found any part amazing or even if you have anything to say about the writing we put so much hard work into. Even a key smash or a “This was so [insert adjective] 🥺” is enough to leave a smile on your authors face. 

♯ PROS :

You’re !! Sharing !! Your authors !! Works !! This leads to them getting more recognition, so for the content they’re so graciously providing for free, you’re promoting their blog and helping them expand it.

If the tags are being a shit, which majority of the time they are, then you’re literally making an author’s day by reblogging! You’re showing them that you, a follower and appreciator of their works are willingly sharing their content because it deserves to be seen by more people. Again before any dumb people decide to attack me, i am talking about people who like the fic but don't bother reblogging and are silent/ghost readers. I am not forcing anyone to read anybody’s work.

YOU’RE MAKING YOUR AUTHOR SO HAPPY WHAT MORE REASONS COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT !! 🥺

♯ CONS :

Literally none, because as far as I remember no author is against reblogging of their works. It’s quite literally the way this platform functions. Reblogging is IMPORTANT.

#3 : COMMENTING/SENDING FEEDBACK !

This kind of overlaps with the previous section, but THIS IS SUCH AN IMPORTANT STEP !! When you leave feedback, you are directly giving the author something so much more valuable to them than high follower/note counts or money. Your feedback is literally our serotonin. I kid you not the number of times I’ve received a positive comment and smiled and it has made my day. There’s a reason youtubers (though not the best example, bear with me here because it was the only one I could think of) ask people to subscribe, like and COMMENT. The subscription is like a follow, the like is ofc like a heart, and the comment is equivalent to an rb with comments in the tags. 

You might argue and tell me that a comment is basically like an ask so the reblogging step isn’t necessary, but I’m sure 99% of you use YouTube and you know that more comments leads to people’s videos boosted in the stream/trending charts. This is what reblogging does. Reblogging shares the piece with other people like minded, which leads to a boost in reads. You are literally helping your author grow.

It’s quite literally the same thing as youtubers. Youtubers NEED validation to keep their content creation going, so do writers, so do other ccs on this site. This post is however, focused on WRITERS, so keep that in mind.

♯ PROS :

By doing this, you’re giving author valuable feedback! It’s similar to what you do in rbing with tags. Interactivity with their fics boosts their note counts and helps expand their audience, so srsly, now think of it: your one comment is playing such a massive role to help ccs create more content.

Imagine how much of a difference the note counts will be in when every person who simply likes after reading the fic, reblogs, leaves a comment and sends an ask. the note counts would be high on each and every fic, which is validation in itself, but your comments would inspire the writer so much more! Please, don’t skip the commenting part. Even a simple one like: “this is so cute!” is wonderful. 

♯ CONS :

Remember, if you’re gonna give constructive criticism (which I’m sure you all are smart enough to know if different from hate), make sure the author is okay with it. Authors need to be in a specific mindset and must be ready to accept criticism, so if you’re gonna give constructive criticism to them when they’re at a low point, it may demotivate them.

Just commenting, instead of reblogging and commenting in the tags/ reblogging and then leaving an ask in their inbox, while it gives validation in plenty, will not lead to the author’s work being spread. Therefore I suggest either reblogging and commenting in the tags or reblog and then leave an ask, or comment under the fic!

!! reminder; I am not saying that if you don’t rb and just leave feedback, your feedback has no value. We authors truly appreciate every bit of feedback, but this post is aimed to help you learn how to interact with and support authors, and make them feel more motivated, because the current scenario of liking and scrolling is taking a toll on their creative abilities. Take it from a person who’s been writing for a year.

#4 : COMMSIONING VIA THEIR KO-FI/OTHER APPS !

Before any of you attack me, let me tell you that this is not a step that is 100% necessary to do. ONLY donate if you can and if you genuinely want to, and if anyone is forcing you to pay for something against your will, you need to get yourself out of there.

Regardless, if an author has a kofi and you’re able to and you want to donate, you definitely should! It’s also a valid form of support.

#5 : ADDING THEM ON REC LISTS/ RECOMMENDING THEM TO REC BLOGS

This is such an underrated option, to be honest. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve seen my fic was recommended onto some rec list and it’s made me smile so hard. If you like some fics, create a rec list! They’re oft very popular amongst the fans too. Making rec posts is such a great way to share your favorite stories with others. 

Rec blogs! I’ve seen a couple going around, and needless to say they are a great way to get someone else to read your favorite author’s work whilst also giving them your own feedback. These blogs oft accept recs via a form or ask box, and they leave your feedback along with their own, or else they’ll oft tag the author in the feedback post, so look! You’re basically helping your author share their fic to many more people, because you’ve given them feedback and a reblog.

♯ PROS :

Validation! Feedback! Reblogs! More exposure! Helping a blog grow! Spreading love! basically a run down of the stuff I’ve said before!

♯ CONS :

Literally no con of this. Unless, a one in a million case, this author says they don’t like receiving feedback/being tagged, and I’m sure NO person has said this before, at least none that I’ve heard of.

#6 : FINAL COMMENTS; MISC !

When an author points out about how the interactivity is drastically reducing, don’t just give them blind apologies. Yes, you feel sorry for not interacting as much, we understand, but rather show that you’ll become a better content consumer through your actions. We need to see that we’re not just throwing words into a void and that people are actually trying to be better content consumers. 

Understand the fact that authors don’t get paid for this, and 99% of the time, these authors don’t take commissions either. They’re giving you novel worthy writings for free. Take Percy Jackson: You think the author would have felt motivated to write the subsequent parts, let alone two whole series based off of it if literally no one showed that they were interested? Rick Riordan has sales, he is being paid, there are millions of people and big agencies who provide him feedback. Now take that huge amount and simmer it down to an audience of maybe 10000 people This is what fanfic authors want. They don’t want your money, nor are they telling you to risk your lives for them. All they want is, a reblog, some tags, some feedback, some INTERACTIVITY.  A sign that they aren’t throwing fics into the void and that people actually like them, some motivation to continue. Seems fairly easy to throw an rb with some tags, right?

Don’t bother to tell me that we do this for ourselves and we shouldn’t ask for likes and reblogs and feedback, because 1) you are consuming the content that we “write for ourselves” and 2) writers post their content here for interactivity and feedback. We could just not post and write and save our fics in our dungeon drafts for years. But we choose to post to entertain the readers, the consumers. And we aren’t even asking that much in return.

Don’t give me the whole “I’m scared that authors feel that comments are annoying” excuse either because seriously this has been DEBUNKED SO MANY TIMES. Istg, in the nicest way possible, if you still think writers are annoyed by interaction and feedback, after so many posts, long rants have been posted as to how we’re not, then you must truly be living under a rock. There, I said it. Please stop thinking this way, I’ll say it again, AUTHORS ARE NOT ANNOYED OF FEEDBACK, COMMENTS, TAGS, REBLOGS. WE LOVE IT. Saying this is like saying that the audience in a theatre play shouldn’t clap when the play ends because the actors would find it noisy. 🤡

I’ve seen some people saying they have anxiety issues and such, so pls note that I’m not invalidating your condition. If you’re trying to be more interactive, I really appreciate it! If you can’t, that’s fine too. You’re trying.

But for the people who have no reason other than feeling lazy to rb and comment, your lack of interactiveness is not excused. Please. Tumblr is a reblogging site. If you’re gonna consume content like authors are some sort of machines, I encourage you to go get some more perspective.

This site is not Instagram or the satan bird app. Your likes are appreciated but frankly speaking, they do nothing to the author except tell them “Hey i read ur fic but i'm not gonna support u :D” and honestly, that is detrimental to their creative capabilities and mental health. 

DON’T FOLLOW AN ACC JUST TO MINDLESS RB THEIR SIGNAL BOOST POSTS AND THEIR REBLOGS OF GIFS AND NOT INTERACT WITH THEIR WRITING AT ALL ! Trust me, authors prefer a lower amount of interactive followers than a high count that doesn’t even give them any feedback. Again your follows are appreciated, but when you’re following, you know the type of content the author creates, so the author expects that the more followers, the more interactivity. These days, this is just becoming the opposite. So don’t do it! If you’re gonna follow to read, interact with their works. I promise, this will make both you and the author happy. A win-win situation.

In conclusion: SUPPORT YOUR FUCKING AUTHORS! THEY ARE NOT MACHINES THAT HAVE NO FEELINGS TO PRODUCE CONTENT FOR YOU! FICS TAKE DAYS AND DAYS OF PLANNING, PLOTTING, OUTLINING, WRITING, EDITING, MAKING TEASERS. SO JUST SHOW THEM YOU APPRECIATE THEM WITH AN RB. IT’S THE L E A S T YOU CAN DO.

I will be liking this post here written by the lovely @chaninfused​ and @scriptura-delirus​ . Please take time to read it because if you weren’t convinced by my arguments, you will see how much frustration we as writers face on a daily basis. Please, just show support. Here is the post by @stayndays​ about how to get more people to read your work, because it also has a note on reblogging. Please educate yourself, and put an end to this mindless consuming culutre and bring up some interactivity.

If you’ve read this far, I want you to go to two of your favorite authors and leave some feedback in their inbox, and tag me in it (either tag me yourself or ask the author to do so, they won’t mind). Show your writers that our words are taking effect and you are becoming better consumers. I mean it. I’m serious. I want every single one who reads this post to do this. besides valid reasons, if you’re lazy to do this, you’re a part of the problem. PLEASE get more perspective.

Also, feel free to add to this post! I’d love to read your thoughts too, remember to be kind though. And, if I think your rb is somehow contradicting my points and is bringing down the reason I made this post, I will politely ask you to delete your comment, because this post is about being truthful about the harsh reality of tumblr consumers and how we can change it. I’m sure none of you will let it get to that point, though. <3 love you guys. 💓

And, just a reminder, don’t just blindly like this too. Do what I said before, and while I am not forcing you, I’d appreciate your reblog, because seriously, it took me 3 whole days to write this, plus, I’m sure this will help more of your followers understand the fault in consumer culture. haha, that’s it! This post was way too long uff.

also, this is ur cue to not be stupid in my inbox. You have something to say? Think I worded smth wrongly? I’m sure it wasn’t my intention to do so, point it out with manners. 

[fairyoftbz]

lavande | l. hyunjae

🥡 pairing: crush!hyunjae x fem!reader 🥡 wc: 3.2k 🥡 genre: fluff, university au, slice of life 🥡 tw: none? i think? 🥡 synopsis: as you are talking to Chanhee, your crush appears in the lecture room, leaving you with a hammering heart. 🥡 a/n: it's already Monday again, so posting time!! i wrote this because i kinda miss uni without covid, I had such a good time back in 2019 😩 feedback is always appreciated!! <33 🥡 requested: yes, thank you! i hope it's good enough!!

╰☆☆☆☆╮

“Have you done the readings we were supposed to?” Chanhee whispered in your ear as you turned on your computer, the screen remaining black made you frown as you quickly glanced at your friend, hand deep in your backpack to find your charger.

“Wait, let me guess. With the abandoned puppy eyes you're giving me, you want me to summarise what this was about, am I right?"

“Please Y/N, I didn't have time this week, it has been so hectic! I promise I'll buy you a coffee," you waved your hand in front of your face to let him know that he didn't need to, and you leaned your arm under the table to look for a plug while summarising what you had understood to your friend.

He listened intently until his eyes looked over your head, a smirk forming on his mouth. You frowned for a split second but continued your explanation, noticing that the smile didn't want to leave Chanhee's face. You deeply sighed, trying to make your friend pay attention, but it was to no avail. He was busy looking at something else.

“Are you listening to me, or am I talking to my computer?” you asked, and your friend returned your attention to you, his puppy look made you shake your head and roll your eyes. He looked behind you one last time, and you turned around in frustration, your breath getting stuck in your throat as you discovered what was amusing Chanhee so much.

You did a double-take when you noticed the man standing at the entrance, your pulse quickening as your hands became sweaty and hot. Every student around you, including Chanhee holding your arm to hear the rest of your explanation, disappeared from your field of view. You only had eyes for the one who stole your heart without realising it.

Hyunjae pushed the lecture door open and held it out for the group following him, politely nodding at the blushing girl that thanked him. He pursed his lips and scanned the auditorium, trying to find a familiar face to sit next to. The air was stuffy and odorous, the young man cursing the caretakers for not ventilate it more often as he was almost sweating because of his outfit. His white turtleneck and pants, as well as the lavender sweater, were thick enough for him to be warm to walk from his apartment since it was still quite chilly in the morning, but he felt like he was wearing winter clothes in the middle of a heatwave when he entered this room.

“Wow,” you murmured under your breath and looked down on your phone, trying to hide your attraction for him from your friends around you, your right hand holding your head up, hiding your eyes at the same time. You heard Chanhee mockingly exhale through his nose as he noticed you munching on your bottom lip, a habit of yours he had caught a glimpse of you doing when you were stressed or embarrassed. In this current case, you were both.

Tugging on the collar of his white turtleneck, Hyunjae sighed in annoyance as he walked down the first few steps. Cursing himself for arriving so late, he sighed as the only remaining seats were in the first few rows, where he had almost 99% of the chance of getting chosen by the professor to answer a question. He dropped his bag from his shoulder onto the table as he looked at the rows again, his eyes immediately discerning the funny stickers at the back of your computer.

“It won’t hurt anyone if I just check where he is,” you thought, but it was probably the worst idea you’ve ever had because your eyes met his dark, chocolate ones, his eyebrows lifting in relief when he recognised other familiar faces in your row.

“Y/N, you’re drooling, be careful,” your friend Chanhee whispered in your ear, teasing as you looked away from Hyunjae and wiped your mouth as quickly as possible, warmth flooding your veins as you keep your finger pressed on the power button of your computer. Your best friend laughed at your antics, but you turned a blind eye to him and mentally cursed yourself for not being as wary as you thought you were.

“Idiot, how could you be discreet if you made direct eye contact with him?” You shook your head at this thought and took a deep breath, inwardly praying that he would sit far from you as you mindlessly scrolled down through your notes.

“Hyunjae, over here!” Sunwoo stood up and raised his deep voice over all the hubbub of the auditorium, pointing at the empty spot between you and Chanhee. It was reserved for Eric who was running late, but you noticed the vacant seat next to Sunwoo and whined. You swore that the rest of the row was packed when you arrived, but it looked like a spot magically freed itself when Hyunjae appeared. It was as if your friends had planned this behind your back.

“Can I sit here?” A gentle, deep voice said, and you looked up. Much to your dismay, it was Hyunjae. “Uh, s-sure,” you stumbled on your sentence as if it were your first time speaking, closing your eyes and inner face palmed yourself at the mess you had just become in a matter of seconds.

You gathered your belongings and held them against your chest as you stood up and sat next to Chanhee, giving your crush your now empty spot. Placing your bag on the floor, you turned your head to the right and stared at your friends, only to find them laughing and bickering together. Changmin was imitating your bashful answer, and Sunwoo’s smug grin painted on his face as he cheekily winked at you, everything confirming your doubts that this situation was one of their playful plans. You sighed in exasperation and typed the title of your notes on a new document as if the entire situation weren’t bothering you.

“Thanks,” Hyunjae said as he sat down, and your heart skipped a beat when you heard his gorgeous voice that caused the hairs on your arms to stand up. His smile made him ten times more attractive, and your heart seemed to struggle to cope with his beauty.

You tried your best to ignore your crush’s presence on your left as you typed down your notes at high speed, but it was harder than you thought. He was close, too close for you to function properly and pay attention to the lecture, his presence and cologne distracting you. There were times where you could feel his gaze on you when you were typing or taking a sip of water, your hands immediately tensing and jolting under the pressure of his aura.

As the lecture finally finished, you quickly packed up your stuff and zipped your backpack before putting it on your shoulders. You didn’t even bother saying goodbye to your friends as you stood in your seat and jumped on the table of the higher row behind you to escape your group. Kevin tried to hail you by calling your name, but you were quick to pace towards the exit and vanish into the mass of the crowd.

You almost reached the library, your safe area where you always sought comfort and peace when a hand gently caught your wrist, your eyes immediately drawn to the familiar lavender knitted sleeve. You breathed heavily at the warmth of the slender hand, and you turned around to face none other than your crush.

“Gosh, you were walking so fast,” he chuckled as he finally got you, his hold still wrapped around your wrist blasting electricity through your veins. The contact felt pleasant, yet it felt so wrong to be this close to him. “I wanted to ask you something before the lecture ended, but you disappeared,” Hyunjae smiled as his cheeks became the prettiest shade of pink you had ever seen. You shyly smiled, muttering a soft apology, and you frowned, not letting him time to say another word.

He opened his mouth to say something when you drew him behind one of the colossal pillars holding up the second floor as you saw Chanhee’s bleached hair peeking out from an opened auditorium door, spying on you two. Hyunjae looked confused but let you drag him anyway.

“Sorry, what were you saying?” You tried to look unbothered, but your fidgeting hands betrayed you, making your crush smile. “Hum yeah, I was wondering if you wanted to have lunch with me today?” he asked, looking straight into your eyes, a big, bashful smile decorating his face. "I know a good café not too far from college, so I was wondering if-” “S-sure, why not?” you blurted out, and you heard muffled laughs coming from behind Hyunjae.

You both peeked out and noticed your friends piled up on top of each other, trying to listen to the conversation you were having with your crush. You sighed and shook your head in annoyance, tired of the lack of privacy your love life was experiencing every day because of them, Eric laughing even louder for getting caught eavesdropping like that.

A hand landed on your shoulder, and you felt a breath near your ear, making your heart skip a few beats in a row.

“Let’s go before they follow us, okay?” you glanced at Hyunjae, and he looked at you with something in his eyes that made your chest tighten, making the process of breathing troublesome. He grinned at your state and innocently grabbed your clammy hand as you two sped off towards the exit and ran past your friends into the mob.

As you slowed down in the streets, trying to look as civil as possible, you readjusted your backpack strap and caught your breath while laughing, Hyunjae smiling as brightly as you did. He found your laugh so pretty and light-hearted, he felt internally lucky to be part of the reason for it. You went down to the end of the street, still walking close to him, and he paused in front of a takeaway place. Holding the door for you, you shyly thanked him and entered the restaurant, the smell of Chinese food making your stomach grumble in hunger.

“Choose whatever you want, it’s on me,” you turned around and immediately backed up a bit, startled by the proximity of you two. Hyunjae only smiled, and you turned your attention back to the food. “Really?” you asked, and he snickered at your shocked state, nodding with a soft smile on his face. "Gosh, I am so hungry,” you muttered under your breath as your eyes roamed on the menu above your heads, heavily breathing as you were still trying to catch your breath back from the sprint you had just run to escape from your foolish friends.

Relief rushed through your veins when he took the reins and ordered for the two of you, your mouth uttering thank-yous like a mantra, only to have your crush waving it off.

“Y/N, it’s okay, don’t worry about it!” he said, and you stopped to look at him, Hyunjae beaming at you while grabbing the paper bag with your steamy food at the bottom. You quickly seized some napkins and disposable utensils and walked back to Hyunjae, who was already outside, waiting for you. “So, where are we going now?” he said, and you shrugged, looking around you, not knowing anything only outside from the library. “I know a good place, it’s not far from here,” you vaguely pointed to your right, and Hyunjae immediately started walking. “Let’s go before the food gets cold!” he exclaimed and let you take the lead.

It was a small park hidden a few streets away from your university, meeting other students since there was another park inside the campus. Bowing down to pat the grass a few meters away from the artificial pond, you sat down as it was dry, but Hyunjae handed you the food and took out his folded waterproof jacket from his bag. Placing it on the ground, he gestured you to come and sit with him.

“Here, come sit with me, you’ll be more comfortable,” he said, and you obeyed, your knees touching as you set the paper bag down next to you and handed him his food and drink. Your proximity didn’t leave you indifferent, but you tried your best to hide it as much as possible.

Hyunjae noticed your little change of behaviour and found you adorable when you looked away at each of his compliments. Your arms were now touching since his jacket underneath you wasn’t a picnic tablecloth, and you were slowly getting used to his body warmth surrounding you.

As the lunch break went by, you talked about your respective majors, and you joked about the shared lecture of this morning, getting closer and closer to each other. He was kind-hearted and became more comfortable when you were alone, gently nudging you in the elbow when you were about to lift your chopsticks to your mouth, the noodles falling back into your bowl. Wiping your mouth with a napkin, you were quick to nudge him back and laugh, still careful not to stain any of his clothes.

“You… look really nice today. I like those colours on you,” you complimented him, and he smiled at your hesitant voice, taking a sip of soda before answering. “Thank you Y/N, I appreciate it,” you nodded and started chewing on your bottom lip, eyes divagating towards the pond surrounded by plants and flowers. “You look really pretty as well,” he whispered in your ear, and you froze at his words, your heart skipping a beat as he had seized the opportunity of you letting your guard down as you were paying attention to the pond. You offered him a soft smile and took a sip of your drink as well to try and calm your racing heart.

He kept playing with it since he was having fun by making you embarrassed and shy with his compliments and proximity. Hyunjae knew that it was working despite your never-ending tries of hiding it, and he felt proud to have this effect on you. Although it was hard for him to see you chew on your lip like that, he had to force himself not to cup your face and tell you to stop, because he was really tempted to do so. However, when you started scratching your lip with your fingers, that’s when he grabbed your pitiless hand and held it in his.

“Hey, don’t do that,” he said and grabbed a napkin to dab the blood coming out of the little cuts on your bottom lip you had caused out of nervosity.

You guiltily avoided his eyes and searched for your lip balm in your bag before quickly applying some. The temptation of starting again was real when your hand was still cradled in his, your crush not giving a single sign of him being ready to let go of it. Alternatively, he rubbed his thumb over your knuckles as you both observed the pond and the people chilling around you.

Much to your dismay, your little romantic moment was interrupted by the church clock striking thirteen times, announcing 1 PM. You both didn’t pay attention at first, but it was when you couldn’t see a single student around you that you realised something.

“Oh god, Statistics! We have statistics in less than fifteen minutes,” you hurriedly said as you jumped on your feet, placing all your trash in the paper bag. “Oh shit!” Hyunjae imitated you and grabbed the bag from you, jogging to the trash can on the other side of the pond while you grabbed your belongings and quickly folded his jacket. He thanked you, and you left in a rush, under the confused eyes of your neighbours.

Even if it wasn’t too far from your college, you still jumped in the bus that was about to drive off from the stop right outside the park, the doors closing right behind Hyunjae. You sighed in relief as you both made it, and you tightly grabbed the metallic bar as the bus sped uphill.

“I’m glad this bus was here, I don’t think I could’ve walked back up there after our lunch,” you smiled at his words, his hand holding the bar above your heads, his lavender sweater going high enough for you to see his black Gucci belt keeping his turtleneck tucked in his pants. “I don’t know who had this marvellous idea of building the university on top of a hill,” you sarcastically mumbled and pressed the button next to your head as the screen announced the stop.

Hyunjae was the first to jump off the vehicle, grabbing your hand as you were quick to imitate him, the mass of students behind you forcing you out. Your crush followed you like a lost puppy through the different staircases and corridors, your great sense of orientation leading you quickly to the auditorium you were almost late to. You were out of breath when you finally arrived there, right before the clock struck 1:15 PM.

Surprisingly, the rows were practically empty, but you instantly spotted your friends in the middle, some of them still eating while the others were laughing or reading together. Hyunjae grabbed your hand for the nth time today, slowly getting used to this new feeling, and you dragged him towards them, but he resisted.

You looked at him, his eyes scanned the auditorium just like he did this morning and looked back at you with a smile before gesturing over a good spot, a bit higher and further away from your friends. Changmin, with his eagle eye, was quick to notice Hyunjae's lavender sweater and warned your friends, all turning around to observe you and your crush sitting together. Chanhee gasped as he quickly saw you holding hands, gossiping about it to his hyungs. Juyeon just shrugged, unbothered by the situation as he cracked his fingers and neck, getting ready to type.

You noticed your friends smirking at you and hid your head behind your computer screen, Eric leaning back in the vacant seats just enough for him to appear in the corner of your eye, his mouth transforming into a pout to mimic a kiss. You rolled your eyes and groaned, offering him a disapproving look, your antics sending him in a fit of giggles.

Hyunjae smiled at you before looking at your friends, who cooed and loudly gagged when he grabbed your hand and lifted it for them to see. You didn’t know what to do with yourself, embarrassment taking over your body as your friends cheered, drawing attention towards you and your crush, the latter replacing your linked hands on his lap, under the table.

“Why would you do that?” you dared to ask, and you shouldn’t have, your voice breaking mid-sentence made your crush giggle. “Let them be, they’re just happy that their best friend is getting out of their comfort zone. Plus, you look cute when you are flustered,” he said, and the professor started talking, preventing you from answering him.

He just sat there with a satisfied smile on your face, while you were trying not to pass out here and there with your heart beating this fast.