#please i didnt think i was so out of the loop of everything i thought i was pretty on top of things

[azmageddon]

Silence (Part Two)

Pairing: Azriel x Cassian’s twin!healer! reader

Summary: It’s your turn to find the silence deafening.

Warnings: Short section of spiciness, but definitely not smutty. Also, you can pry the angst from my cold, dead, hands. Give me all the angst. Also painfully inaccurate to the original storyline.

A/n: Sorry it took so long! I’m obsessed with making everything perfect. Enjoy! Let me know what you think and what else you want to see.

“I have one for you too, Y/N.”

You looked up from where you were leaning against the wall at the back of Rhys’s office. Everyone’s eyes were on you and you could have sworn that Azriel, who was leaning against the wall next to you, had stopped breathing all together.

“Me?” you asked, confused.

Rhys only nodded, holding the invitation out further in his outstretched hand. You shuffled your way forward, Mor and Amren stepping aside to give you space. When you finally reached his desk and gripped the letter, you gave it a swift tug, but Rhys didnt let go. The two of you stood there for a moment, hands attached to the letter in a quiet tug-of-war over his desk. You caught eyes with the High Lord. They seemed to say be careful before he finally released the envelope.

Worry hummed across the bond, mixing with yours and sitting in the pit of your stomach. Turning back toward your spot in the back of the room, you risked a quick glance up to Azriel and saw concern plain on his face.

“Watch your face,” you reminded him in his mind and he quickly returned to his stoic, unreadable expression. “Wouldn’t want to blow our secret over a silly invitation, would you?” You tried to keep the conversation light and carefree, but it was difficult when dread had crept into your mind. If Azriel felt your nervousness, he didn't acknowledge it.

“You know,” he replied, “I’ve been rethinking keeping this a secret. Don’t you think it’s time they knew?”

“But it’s so much fun sneaking around.”

You could feel Azriel’s metaphorical eye roll through the bond and suppressed a chuckle while you took your place back against the wall. “I just thought it would be nice after keeping it a secret for nearly 400 years. But we can talk about this later. Open the letter so I can read it, too.”

You did as he asked, slipping your finger under the delicate fold of the envelope and pulling at the wax seal until it released with a pop. Slipping the invitation nestled inside, you turned it around so as to read the looped cursive sprawled in fluorescent gold ink across the page. You felt Azriel shuffle closer to get a better opportunity to read over your shoulder.

Y/N,

It is with great pleasure that we request your presence at the Masquerade Ball hosted by her majesty, Queen Amarantha of Under the Mountain. Please kindly reply within a fortnight. Punctuality is of the utmost importance.

“I don’t like the look of this,” came the voice of your mate in your head.

***

“How do I look?”

Azriel’s eyes snapped up from the book he was reading and instantly dragged themselves across your body. A groan from deep in his chest vibrated through the room and you were hit with a wave of arousal across the bond.

“Down boy,” you teased, stepping toward the vanity at the corner of the room to touch up your makeup. You felt Azriel’s eyes glued to you as you moved. Your dress, dark and revealing, was something Rhys insisted you wore to the party. You were used to outfits like this, the fabric accentuating your full hips and showing off your years and years of hard training. It reached up over the curve of your breasts and plummeted, reaching nearly low enough to expose your belly button. The Night Court demanded respect from those outside the bubble that was Velaris, and your High Lord chose to express the Inner Circle’s blind confidence through dress.

“Gods, if I knew you were going to wear that I would have argued with Rhys more to let me accompany you two.”

You sat at the vanity and reapplied your lipstick. From over your bare left shoulder came a lone tendril of Azriel’s shadows. It snaked along the curve of your collarbone and circled around your neck a few times before settling itself snuggly around your throat like the most priceless of necklaces.

A shiver went through you as the shadow gave a gentle squeeze. “Honestly, I’m surprised he didn’t insist on you and Cassian to join us. You’d have thought he would use this opportunity to show off the strength of the Night Court to the other courts.”

Quiet as his shadows himself, Azriel’s large fingers slowly replaced the wisp of temporary jewelry. It dissipated at its master’s touch, and his hand gently, but firmly, tilted your head back so as to give him better access to the pulse point currently beating wildly at your neck. His lips brushed over the shell of your ear and you let out a soft moan.

“I’d like to see you out of that dress,” he whispered against your skin.

Your throat bobbed as you swallowed hard at his words. A quick nip at your skin had you gasping out a response. “I can’t,” you managed. “Rhys will be here any second.”

Azriel trailed a rough calloused finger along the membrane of your wing and you felt a flush of desire and pleasure run through your body. The need for him flowed through your veins and it seeped deep into your bones. He could tell your willpower was faltering. Every emotion and neediness that you felt was pouring through the bond into his own soul.

“So tell him you’re not ready yet. I won’t take long.” Another nip at your skin, this time at the cleavage of your breast, had you nearly giving in. Your eyes fluttered closed and your chest heaved as he peppered kisses along your neck. But before you could utter another word, there was a knock at the door.

“Y/N?” came the voice of your High Lord. “Are you ready?”

Knowing neither of you could actually delay your departure, you sprung apart. Jumping up so quickly, you felt your chair tipping backward, only to be caught by one of Azriel’s shadows.

“One minute!” You called through the door and turned back to your mate.

“You have to go,” you whispered in a rush, quickly grabbing your bag from the bed and your shoes from their place beside the closet. “You’re not supposed to be in here!”

In your frantic dash across the room to retrieve your items, Azriel gripped your shoulders, halting you. His lips crashed into yours, passionate, hungry, and hurried. It left you breathless and you gasped for air as he pulled back, traces of your lipstick staining his own lips.

“Later, Shadowsinger,” you whispered as you reached up on tiptoe to place your lips against his again, more gently this time.

“I’ll meet you at the exit to say goodbye with the others,” he said into your mind and, stepping into a swirl of mist and shadow, he was gone.

***

“Az, the Autumn brothers are here.” Across the bond, you felt Azriel perk up. He must have been focused on something, perhaps reading a report or reviewing paperwork for his next mission. But at the sound of your voice in his head, you could feel his attention shifting to your gossip.

“Did they dress up?” he asked. “Please tell me Eris came as something ridiculous. Like a chicken or something.”

“Gods, no.” You suppressed a smile and glanced over at the heir to Autumn Court. The only costume he wore was his flaming red hair and permanent scowl on his face.

“Actually,” you continued across the bond, “It looks like Rhys and I aren’t the only ones who refused to dress up. In fact, the only ones who have costumes are the Spring Court.”

Amarantha was saying something, servants coming around to pass out wine in goblets that rivaled the finery of Rhy’s own private collection. You took one without thinking but hesitated before taking a sip. You recalled the words toast and finest wine coming from your hosts lips at some point. When your High Lord, who hadn’t left your side all night, didn’t drink from his yet, you followed his lead.

You barely paid attention all night, anyway. One arm constantly linked into your High Lord’s, you had to play the part of the mysterious, ruthless, second-in-command of the Night Court. Not many outside of Velaris knew much about you, except that you were an exceptional healer and twin the Night Court General. You played the role Rhys had expected you to, and Gods, did you play it well. Not a male in the room could take their eyes off of you, with your long flowing hair, curvy, yet muscular, body, and strong, unclipped Illyrian wings.

But frequently, you found your thoughts drifting back to your mate and the strong fingers you had wrapped around your throat a few hours ago. You hoped they would find their home there again upon your return to The House of Wind later tonight.

A wave of arousal hit you that wasn’t entirely your own and you realized Azriel must be having the same thoughts.

“Having fun without me, Shadowsinger?”

“Just remembering you in that dress,” came Azriel’s voice, low and sultry. “And all the ways I could take it off of you later.” You nearly choked on the breath you took. Rhys cast you a look out of the side of his eye, but you ignored it because Azriel was still speaking.

“Or maybe you can leave the dress on. It doesn’t offer much coverage, anyway.” His voice was growing darker, deeper, and more sensual with every word. “Or maybe the heels. Just the heels.”

You shook your head to clear it, attempting to focus on whatever Amarantha was saying in her toast. Wealth… happiness… friendship… blah blah blah. You ignored her sentences, picking up only on a few words. You did manage to make out her command to drink! before you caught eyes with Rhys. They portrayed something you couldn’t quite read. Sadness? Regret? You must have missed a part of her speech that was important.

Deciding to ask him about it later, you took a swig of your glass along with all the others in the chamber. The wine was sweet, thick like honey, and coated your throat on its way down. In fact, you felt it coating your entire body like a warm blanket. It worked its way into your bones and after a few moments of warmth, you felt the feeling turn to ice.

Icy tendrils shot through your limbs and you ruffled your wings to try and dispel the feeling. But it only became stronger and stronger until finally you felt a deep, soul crushing, emptiness. Quick as it began, the feeling was gone, and with it, the hum of the bond in your chest.

“Azriel?” you called to him. But no response came. Panic seized you and you clutched at your chest with your free hand, your other wrapping tighter around the arm of your High Lord. He was turning toward you now, saying something, but you ignored him. In fact, the entire chamber had erupted into chaos. Voices were all around you, angry and yelling. But the one voice you called for again and longed to hear was silent.

You didn’t know what it felt like to have a bond that was closed. You only knew that this was far, far worse.

“Y/N.” The sound of your name jolted you from your panicked soul searching. You looked up, catching eyes with the High Lord.

“Azriel,” you whispered out loud to him.

“What?” He asked, hands on either one of your shoulders, steadying you.

“Azriel,” you repeated to him. “He’s my mate.” The truth came tumbling out of you. The secret the two of you had kept for 400 years suddenly seemed foolish.

Rhys shook his head, not understanding your words. “Your mate?” He asked, confused. “For how long? Does he know?”

You nodded, tears suddenly filling your eyes. You pushed against the golden thread that tethered the two of you together, but it only ended in darkness. “We’ve been mates for nearly 400 years. We’ve kept it a secret for… oh Gods, Rhys, what has she done?”

He opened his mouth to respond, but quickly snapped it closed. He looked over your shoulder and you whirled, finding Amarantha standing there.

“Oh, my dears,” she began, her voice scraping across your ears like nails against stone. “The two of you are just lovely, aren’t you?”

[shuxiii]

Heart to heart— Hanni pham x reader

Synopsis; she dates you as a dare

This endless loop has became a routine in your life. The same tireless and restless night of her drunk knocking on your door, with the same eyes you adoringly stared before, now were hazy teary red once.

It was never like this, it should have never had been like this.

She played you, she lied to you, she never loved you. And all of it started with a simple harmless dare. A dare that ruined everything you thought was love. It ruined your picture of love.

You and hanni had been dating for a good 5 months, meeting each other in a bar. Where she called you those sweet names and you fell for it.

She treated you with all the love she could grasp in her hands, something not everyone had but wanted. Something that everyone envied for.

Not every good start ends in a good note, because once you keep a lie eventually it comes out the light.

Everythinfg was fine, hanging out with her friends in the same exact bar you guys met. Reminscing about the moment you met each other. A love in first sight that was only a wishful dream for others

And caught in the blissful moment, a mere sentence ruined it.

"Good thing Hanni took that dare or we couldn't have met such an amazing person like you," Minji said, drunkenly slurring in the process but still clear for your ears to hear.

Everyone went silent as their catious stares went to you.

Hanni didn't know what to do at that moment, her worried gaze fell back at your blank eyes.

You stood up from your chair, as hanni stood as well in a panic, "ym, its not what it looks like—"

She tries to hold your wrist but you were already out the door.

"Yn, please let me explain" she begs.

"What exactly is there to explain?" You tried to hold back the shake in your voice, but the tears in your eyes made it clear.

"I know, i know baby. I'm stupid to take that bet, at first it was a dare, minji dared me to ask you out. And i did—i did it to win the bet, but it was at the beginning now i reslly love you."

She reaches for your hands, but you move away from her.

"So you never loved me?"

"At first, I didn't, but now I do, and I love you so much." I was stupid to take it, but if I hadn't, I would never have met you!" She pleaded.

"So what? i should be thankful you took that dare? That you lied to my face?"

"No, i didnt mean it like that—"

Her arms clung to your body as you stood there silently, her heart aching even more.

"I don't think I can do this right now," you murmured, her grasp tightening even more.

"Yn, please dont do this to me. Please stay" her voice became more incoherent and her sobs echoed even louder as you felt her body shook.

But her pleading wails were in vain, as you pulled her away, leaving her on the floor as you slipped from her grip, as she saw you fade from her view.

That was two weeks ago.

You were doing well, or so you thought. Ever since you left Hanni crying outside the bar, it felt like you left a part of you. But after you convinced yourself that she never loved you, it became easier to pretend you hated her. It was a loop game with your mind whenever she lingered in your thoughts, you'd just whisper the words like a hateful mantra, it was a cheap reassurance. But if it kept her out of your head then it was worthwhile.

And ignoring her was easy for you; it was like practice makes it perfect, and you nailed it.

As you were ready to attend a night party with your friends you heard a knock on your door at first you hesitated, you never opened the door every time you heard the desperate knocks because you knew who it was.

but Minji's voice made you open it was a scoff on your face.

''Why are you here?''

“Can we talk?” She pleaded.

“What is there to talk about, i think we did thag in the bar two weeks ago.” I scoff.

“Its about hanni” she says

The sound of her name made my heart take its pace.

“Okay 20 minutes and you’re out the door.”

“Thank you,” she smiles.

“So what about her?”

She looks back at me with sheer concern in her gaze.

“I'm here because she hasn't been herself since two weeks ago. You are aware that she easily falls into a bad habit of drinking. We're worried because I believe she hasn't been sober for a single day since then.”

The thought of that ached my heart but i didnt want to.

“Yn, i know you hate her. But she dosent listen to us anymore and im here as a worried friend, im sorry for what ive caused but if you just listen to her just even just an ounce of your time then I’ll get out of your hair and leave you be, so please.”

And here i was stupidly looking for her in the bar the same place we met and the same place that ruined everything.

Not even a minute passed by but i saw her quickly than anyone ever could. But i stopped just a few blocks from her, i was hesitant, i didnt know if i could do this.

But eventually she saw me.

and at first hanni thought she was too drunk to see you standing infront of her but as she rubs her eyes she realized you were real breathing and standing in front of her.

and faster than the own beat of her heart she puts her arms around you and her head rested against your shoulder, the same scent she missed ever since she was surrounded by the bitter scent of alcohol and cigarettes, your fragrance made her safe.

''You're real'' she slurred.

the loud music became silent in your ears and all of a sudden all the unwelcome memories came rushing like a storm, her touch melted against yours, and for a second you almost fell for it again, but this time you couldn't be driven by your feelings.

You fight to break free from her hands, but her hold tightens even more, and then the panic began to rush into her body as you felt her body shake. and suddenly you heard small sobs come out her mouth.

''Don't leave me,'' her voice barely making out the words she said as she began sobbing louder.

you started to realize she was going to panic attack your hands hugged her back as you begin to stroke her back softly.

''Hanni, calm down'' you softly spoke.

Her cries became faint but her body still shooked and her grip was still tight.

I was in conflict, i didnt know what to do but i wanted to be out of this bar.

I intertwined her hands with mine, she followed without a fight.

As we were out the crowded and loud bar, we were now faced with silence that not a knife would got cut off. I didnt know where to start.

“Yn… I’m sorry—“

“I know hanni, but why?” I stammer, “You’re sorry but why did you choose to do it?”

I look back at her, tears streaming down my cheeks, how hard I tried to look her in the eyes without wavering, but I didn't have the power to do so, and in the end, I fell for it again, her gaze the same ones that I adored and that had this soft look even when she was intoxicated, I could tell it was the same ones I saw.

“I dont know,” she says.

It wasnt the answer i want but the only one i get. Maybe there really wasnt hope.

"I don't know, I was afraid to be proven wrong," she says back, "I was always told I was too soft for my own good, and I was afraid—fearful that it was true."

“Even though i was aware it was wrong, i was selfish.” She says “but i faced the biggest consequences in the end.”

“And that is?” I hesitantly ask.

“You,” she tells me “I lost you.”

“Yn… if you give me one more chance to prove to you—to prove to you that i do love you, ever since our first date together i wanted it out the bet, being with you felt so amazing that i was in so much guilty to take that dare and if i was given the chance to go back in time, i wish i met you without the dare.”

She sounded so sobered.

“You still can, han.”

Hope flickered in her eyes.

“Do you promise? Promise not to lie again?” I say

“I promise, never lying ever again, i swear.”

She says without hesitation no stutter.

I intertwine her hands against mine again as she clings to my arms, afraid i’d disappear again.

“Lets go home, han.”

[damianbugs]

please share your dick and bruce fic recs, both sad and fun stuff

–someone who thinks about them a normal amount

OHHH my friend my dearest friend i will totally share the best most crazy brainworm inducing bruce and dick fics i have ever read. i wish i was exaggerating when i say this dynamic changed me as a person, but it is the truth i fear. THE troubled father and son blueprint.

DICK AND BRUCE FIC RECS ON AO3

a pointless resistance by emavee

It starts with a news report running in the background of a greasy little diner, but it ends with Dick dead. Except, it doesn't stop there. It keeps on ending, over and over. Bruce's son keeps dying, and nothing he does seems to make any sort of difference.

MY NOTES: whenever i stumble upon an emotionally repressed individual i imagine a little cartoon person in my head shouting SEND HIM TO THE TIME LOOP because it truly does fix all problems. wonderful bruce and dick writing and the dialogue was so real to me i have tears in my eyes just thinking about it. it is also set during the robin jason era!

Making Time by CaptainOzone

Bruce does not remember anything leading up to this moment. He does not remember teaming up with Superman recently, nor does he remember being anywhere but Gotham proper. He does remember having Robin at his side. Robin, it turns out, is not there any longer. God does he hate magic.

MY NOTES: you'll notice a common theme with these recs and that is bruce needs to be having a horrible time and then is forced to confront his emotions and express them accordingly to dick. there is something very bittersweet about this yet it was handled so wonderfully. again, tears in my eyes.

Catch and Release by snackbaskets

There's a tradition among the family: when in danger, you grab the smallest Robin and hang on tight. But like all traditions, this one had to start somewhere, right? Alternately: three times Dick bodily attacks his father (with love)

MY NOTES: ohhh i think about the last part of this fic like all the time. something so sweet and precious about it to me. such a fun and comforting read.

Afraid of the Dark by WrongLeverKronk

The wind whispered outside his window and the dim moon failed to provide comfort. He was embarrassed. Richard Grayson sat on his bed, above the covers, with his arms wrapped firmly around his knees that were tucked against his chest. He thought everything would be fine when he parted from his friends for the evening, that his confidence would follow him in solitary. He regretted parting as soon as he turned out the lights in his bedroom and became enclosed by the eerie atmosphere. (Or: the aftermath of the episode in which Robin hallucinates Slade. He calls Batman)

MY NOTES: can u hear the sounds of me screaming crying sobbing. one of my first ever dick and bruce fics. fun fact i have never watched teen titans but watched this episode specifically just for fun and then read this and now it is seared permanently into my mind forever. anyways read this.

in the dark of the night by fanfictiongreenirises

“I already have a dad, y’know? So you don’t have to be my new dad. I don’t really want you to be my dad, anyway. We can be friends. Partners.” Bruce seems to sigh in relief, having stiffened up halfway through Dick’s speech. “Friends and partners, then.” And they were in agreement. Bruce and Dick and a series of steps and leaps and jumps.

MY NOTES: sometimes im okay and then i remember how many times dc COULD have made bruce adopt dick and DIDNT because they SUCK and so this fic is here to warm the hearts of all those who need it. so lovely.

After the Wake by nighhtwing (divineauthor)

Fathers should not bury their children. —•— When Jason dies, Dick comes home, and Bruce muses on being a parent.

MY NOTES: a shorter one, but man does it pack a real punch to the heart. i find bruce and dicks dynamic immediately after jasons death the most fascinating and this was a wonderful spin on it!

You Are My Reflection (As I Am Yours) by Fairy527

A rope snaps. A collective scream echoes in the tent. (A threatening low voice. A sinister metallic click.) The Flying Graysons fall, and Bruce is sent back to that fateful night in Crime Alley

MY NOTES: clutches my heart screaming OHH. OH THE PARALLELS. there is just something so personal about the night the graysons fell and the night the waynes died being referenced with one another AND THIS GOT IT SOOO WELL. tears. tears forever.

i can't promise (it's not written in the stars) by konan_konan

Batman is following him, surely, but he’s smaller and faster and he’s not going to let someone take him and lock him up again. Wayne Manor, he’s learned, is just another kind of prison. It may be big and fancy but it is also empty and cold and he’s not going back. Tony Zucco dies tonight, he tells himself. It is the only thing that matters. or: dick loses two soulmates, and gains three.

MY NOTES: oh this fic. i need a moment. soulmate aus can be a real hit or miss sometimes but the way it was portrayed in this literally surpasses all expectation it was just SO GOOD. the dick introspection is honestly one of my favourites like. ever.

In This or Any Other Universe by wildsofmarch

There was a new vigilante in his city: a man who smiled too much and talked too loud and knew his way around a fight a little too well. Bruce wasn't bothered by his antics. Except the man also seemed to know a little too much about him. Who was this Nightwing, anyway? ------ OR: Dick Grayson (DCU) accidentally lands himself in Battinson’s Gotham.

MY NOTES: here it is. my favourite bruce and dick fic of all time forever and ever. im so serious. the tears are not in my eyes because they are streaming down my face. the idea of battinson with a robin was lovely and now that this gives us battinson with NIGHTWING i am just inconsolable. MUST READ.

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

HIII THABK U FOR THE TRIVIA AND ASHE SONG before i take forever 2 answer those or forget here is a blank ticket to please please talk about prime defenders and their AWFUL emotional literacy and processing skills i would literally love to read that essay so much ive also been thinking about it incessantly. big eyes staring up at u.png. ok ok peace out GOODNIGHT !!!! <33

i lied actually im not going to bed im judt thinking about this ans listening to St. John on a loop now. hello catkiss.gif i forgot how youve filled me with so much joy. that cat is so fuckign cute

anyway. hi :) prime defenders huh. this is gonna be less of an essay and more of a sleepy ramble but ohhh i have so many thoughts. they all process things so differently and none of them are good at it they all need therapy so bad. ms.g where is the hero therapy why didnt you build that into w.a.t.c.h ma'am

vyncent is probably the best at actually processing things out of all of them, he just internalizes everything to the point where he wont talk about it unless hes pushed past the breaking point. vyncent is actually very.. emotionally intelligent? i want to say mature but that feels like im singling him out because hes the oldest. i just feel like because he grew up on Fauna and had to be in basically survival mode in a world full of monsters trying to kill you.. that makes a person grow up quicker than they should. i think vyncent had a good childhood and for the most part his parents took good care of him but just.. living in that world doesnt seem like it leaves room for a whole lot of expressing emotions. vyncent is good at quick analysis of a situation, but unless a problem directly interferes with the current goal he doesnt externalize it to everyone else. but bottling up his feelings and emotions just builds up pressure over time until something like the lich makes him blow up and let it all out at once, usually in a dramatic monologue format bc condi is really good at those god damn it. also they played off the fact that vyncent said all of that to the lich and then missed his attack as a funny thing but i like to think of it as. he got too overwhelmed w his emotions and lashed out too soon it made his fighting messy. vyncent is so angry and honestly after what hes been through he deserves to be !!!!

william wisp. my boy. god hes just like me fr so much so that it physically hurts sometimes. anyway. i always think back to the scene where theyre all in the cabin talking about themselves/sharing backstories and william keeps desperately trying not to talk about himself. the fact that hes so ashamed of his powers he hides wisp form every time. two of his powers are LITERALLY a) turning invisible and b) turning intangible, usually as an excuse to leave whatever situation hes in ("accidentally" falling through the floor at opportune moments in season 1) . theres. a thing that happens at the end of episode 13/beginning of epidode 14 that youre really close to and i wont spoil yet but god it has to do with this so extremely much please come back to my inbox when you get there. youll know what it is trust me. um. yeah. so anyway. i think a lot of this comes from a place of. he doesnt want anyone to be scared of him. williams not stupid hes incredibly smart and insightful he knows his powers are objectively SCARY. hes scared of himself constantly, he doesnt want anyone else to feel that way about him, so he shifts focus whenever those aspects of himself are brought up because if someone were to think about it for any amount of time theyd realize the truth that hes scary and dangerous to be around (<< william logic. hey remember how one of the reasons he originally left deadwood was because the monsters there were attracted to the wisps and therefore Him so he left to keep his friends/family out of danger)

i think a lot about williams death and the immediate aftermath, i dont know how much you actually know and how much of this comes later but . how does he go home after waking up from that. his parents know about his powers, so they MUST know what happened. what do you think he told them when he god home muddy and dirty and broken and probably bloody after being missing for. god knows how long. how does he look his mother in the eyes and tell her her little boy is dead. but hes also not because hes standing right in front of her. how the fuck do you think he felt the first time he went into wisp form and saw his body laying there !!! of course he wouldnt want to talk about that!!!! youre gonna have to pry william wisps emotions from his cold dead hands !!!!!!!

dakota's response to the ashe situation was to run away in the woods and do nothing but train for 10 months. he didnt think about it for 10 months. i dont even have a whole lot to say about dakota other than like. stunned silence whenever his inability to process trauma is brought up because grizzly does such an incredible job at being like "you ask dakota how hes doing and his face is just blank" << paraphrased actual quote from an episode i cannot remember which one. either 11 or 12 ?

also because im thinking about him im including ashe in this. we didnt get to see a whole lot of his canon reactions to extreme emotional situations so a lot of this is just coming from My Mind but ashe seems like hed be the type to repress a lot of his emotions too. being alone in your house/in your room for extended periods of time will do that to a guy. i think he feels a lot of things and will probably very openly cry/scream/get angry when hes alone but as soon as he knows another person is there he can immediately flip the switch to turn it all off like nothing happened. very much a deadpan "im fine." if someone asks how hes doing, even if hes got like. the remainder of tear tracks down his face. cannot physically express his emotions in the presence of someone else

[daddy-issues-99]

Repo!Man x Reader Smut

Nathan is kinda mid but the Repo!Man suit and mask-😫

Plot is very overused "hey don't kill me plz surly there's another payment" but it works.

1.2k words

Afab reader, knife play, unprotected sex, p in v, leather, just the usual smut lol

Everything was going so well. 'Was' being the key word. You didn't think you would ever end up here. Strapped to an upright operating table realizing that a damp, bloodstained wall is the last thing you will ever see.

You were so pissed at yourself. How did you let this happen? It was so simple, get a new liver, pay it off, go on with life. Simple. Or so you thought.

However that (obviously) didn't happen. You ruined your first liver and now you were gonna lose your second. Wonderful.

You jumped at the sound of a nearby door opening. The metal scraping against the floor making you cringe.

You looked to see a very tall man with broad shoulders in a Repo Man suit holding a bag of surgical equipment. He walked slow as if examining every inch of your outer shell before slicing into you.

He placed the bag down on a nearby table and intricately placed every item out on the table so they were perfectly spaced apart. Every item he examined, his gloved hands gently caressing every item to make sure it was perfect.

All you could do was stare, not at the tools but at him. How he examined the tools with such care and precision. How his broad shoulders made him look so intimidating even when just standing their. Not to mention how the suit only eradicated his features.

"See something you like?" He said, drawing you back into reality. "Huh?" "The tools. Beautiful aren't they? Perfect to cut that pretty little tummy of yours." Pretty?

"Please sir, I missed one payment. Surely there's something else that can be done." "No can do. Besides, its not my place to pick and choose who gets the knife." He said raising the scalpel to your stomach. "I'm just the one who makes the cut."

He pressed the scalpel into your flesh letting a droplet of blood fall to the floor. "Please sir! There has to be something you can do?" "No can do madam. As I said, its a thankless job. Unless you can make a payment in the next 30 seconds then its lights out."

Make a payment. "Ill give you my body as payment!" You blurted out. He let out a dry laugh. "Lady I already have your organs." "No! My body. My everything. Anything you desire, anything you crave, anything you ask I can give you!"

"And why would I do that? Your just some tramp from off the streets." "Exactly! I-I'm experienced. Anything you want me to do I can do."

He stood mere inches from you, scalpel still against your skin.

"How 'bout this sweetheart. If you can truly can fulfil anything I desire then I'll give you exactly 24 hours to pay off your debts. If not-" He held the scalpel up to your throat. "I'll see you again soon."

What other option do you have. You obviously didnt have money. Didnt have any power or athourity. Even this is pushing it but you didnt want to die, not yet and especially not like this.

"I'm waiting sweetheart. I suggest you don't make me wait much longer." You took a deep breath "Deal."

"Deal"

He quickly brings the scalpel up to your top and cuts it off, tearing the fabric away from your body leaving you in your bra. He brings his gloved hands up to caress your breasts, the cold leather sending a chill down your spine.

He traces the lace of your bra slowly and unclasps your bra roughly pulling it off of you and puts it in his jacket pocket. "A little memento to remember those beautiful features."

He brings his hands back up to your chest caressing your breasts, running his thumbs over your nipples. His hands trail down your chest to your waist, slowly caressing your flesh until he makes it down to your waistband, tugging on your belt loops. "I'm only gonna ask once." He said sternly, resting his hands on your hips. I give a simple nod in response.

"Good girl."

He quickly undoes your belt and tossing it to the side. He lifts up his scalpel again making me flinch. "Don't worry sweetheart, we had a deal and I'll respect that." He said bringing the scalpel to your shorts, cutting off the thin material and tossing it next to the rest of your tattered clothes, leaving you just in your panties. "Beautiful." He whispers

His knee pushes your legs apart bringing his hand to your clothed cunt, circling your clit through the thin fabric making you throw your head back against the metal slab, holding back a moan.

"Something you wanna say sweetheart?" He asks, circling your clit even faster. "Please~" "Please what sweetheart? Use that pretty mouth of yours." He asks leaning in inches from your face so you could see his eyes through the mask.

"Please-just fuck me already!" You whine. You hear a small chuckle through his mask. "So needy." He quickly undoes his belt letting his cock spring free pumping the shaft letting out a groan.

He quickly moves his hands toward your panties and ripped them clean off you making you yelp in surprise and a little pain.

He pulled your hips forward, positioning the head of his cock between your folds, slowly pushing in, both of you letting out a moan. His pace starts off slow making sure to enjoy every second of being inside you. His pace soon quickens, roughly thrusting up into you. The tip of his cock hitting your cervix with every thrust.

His grip on your hips is tight, the smooth leather cool against your skin. Your head lays against the cold metal of the operating table letting out a breathy moan with every thrust. He brings one of his hands down and begins to quickly massage your clit, moving in quick circles causing you to let out a string of curses.

"Enjoying yourself sweetheart?" He asked pounding into you. "Fuck-yes!" you say, drunk from the pleasure. "Good" He quickly pulls all the way out of you and slams back in harder than before, roughly thrusting up into you, hitting your g-spot with every thrust.

"I'm close." You say, closing your eyes tightly feeling your pleasure steadily building. He circles your clit even faster making you whine in pleasure, continuing to thrust roughly into you listening to you let out moan after moan after each thrust.

"Come on sweetheart, milk my fucking cock." He says watching as your eyes role back in pleasure as your orgasm rips through you, loudly cumming on his cock. He continues thrusting letting you ride out your high and he soon follows, coating your walls in his cum.

He pulls out of your exhausted body, both panting heavily trying to catch your breath. He stands back looking at your body and his cum leaking out of you. "Don't worry, I'm on the pill." You say between breaths. He lets out a sigh of relief, putting himself back together and quickly zipping up his pants.

He quickly moves next to you and uncuff your hands from above you on the operating table, letting your exhausted body fall to the ground.

"Well, we had a deal." He says motioning to the door. "Hope to not see you again." He said walking back over to the table and putting away his supplies. I quickly stand up grabbing my clothes and instantly stop.

"What do I wear to go home? You cut up all my clothes." He lets out a dark chuckle "That wasn't part of the deal sweetheart. Now, run along, that 24 hours is ticking away."

Side note: I am working on the fic from my last poll I'm just slow lol. May take a while

[suffarustuffaru]

Have you ever heard of or played an official rezero mobile game called Lost in Memories?The game features a story that is a retelling of the anime and it also divided into 3 chapters: "Main Story"，"Ver. Main Story" and "IF Route". The game features branching paths that lead Subaru to a different outcome of the story，turning into a "What IF" scenario.

But what intrigued me the most was arukoru, a character who looks exactly like suabru, but is much more cold and heartless and supposedly comes from the failed loop  where subaru had tried to defeat Petelgeuse.It's really interesting and refreshing for me to see a different version subaru not from those if routes of canon novel series,and I really like arukoru's characterization and identity, but it's a shame that he's barely mentioned and discussed in either Japanese or Western fanbase.

ANON IM SO GLAD YOU ASKED BC FROM WHAT IVE SEEN OF LOST OF MEMORIES IM QUITE FOND OF IT (though i dont know everything oops T^T) AND ALSO IM QUITE FOND OF ARUKORU/ALCOR. ALMOST NO ONE TALKS ABOUT HIM SO I KIND OF HALF THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY PERSON WHO KNEW ABOUT HIM ALJSFLJS

but yes. i sadly have not played lost in memories and i have not watched Every Second of it unfortunately hah but!!! the branching paths it has are very interesting <3 and alcor is definitely very interesting to me, even though i dont know every detail on him. and okay for anyone seeing this and doesnt know who alcor is, you can have a picture of him:

look at him with his thigh highs and galaxy sword fr............. what a guy.....

i think like a year or two ago i actually made like a small drawing redesigning his mask just bc i didnt like it lajsdlfjd. i love the jagged purple "scar" in the mask and the black feathers and the piercing eye but it does not look very visually appealing to me. imo. so i think i redesigned it to be like a skeleton mask of a ground dragon (and yeah one of the eyes had that jagged scar still) to still incorporate the white + feathers? and also bc he seems to be using similar looking skeletons in this photo for reasons i dont know?? is that his power?? but anyway yeah. otherwise i think his design is kind of. a banger? just a bit HAH.

anyway so. yeah like what anon said - alcor's another version of subaru thats turned out this way bc hes from a failed timeline where he tried to fight and defeat petelgeuse and he died like. Way too much. but also alcor is like?? an "illusion" at the same time?? created by this purple haired elf lady?? who was in turn created by this green haired elf lady whos teamed up with subaru to help him recover his memories bc "lost in memories"?? okay if anyone knows the full story behind this please feel free to explain if youd like aljdflsjdf. but i think its interesting seeing - you know, another version of subaru appear in the "main story". like i think alcor is kind of similar to amnesiabaru in this lense - iirc alcor seems to insist that hes the real one, but its kind of. tragic. bc hes kind of not the real one at the same time, if he really is an "illusion"?????? but also he IS another version of subaru, one that grew cold and empty and jaded. hes so Tired, i just kind of. pity him.

i considered using him for a fic once aljdsfljs along with using some other slightly more obscure / underrated versions of subaru (such as aganau subaru yeah) but that fic never got off the ground iirc but yeah. i think hes interesting and definitely another way to explore like. a version of subaru that has a complicated relationship with subaru. like not just HIMSELF, but you know - MAINBARU. its interesting, i think, that hes defensive. that he seems to have this chip in his shoulder. and hes definitely rough at the edges bc his whole design shows that - not just in like an edgelord way bc of all the black and purple lajsdlfj (and even then its a fun contrast to his normal black/white/yellow color scheme) but theres the bandage on his arm, the mask, the name change (alcor), the when he takes off the mask, theres dark circles under his eyes. dude is tired and i think hes distant from himself too bc hes, well. Alcor now - not entirely subaru.

and also yeah he died a shit ton of times to petelgeuse.... poor dude. needless to say i am a big fan of all versions of subaru and his many flavors of Identity Issues.

Live Mindful of Death (死を意識して生きる Shi o ishiki shite ikiru): Live Mindful Of Death is a second Authority which allows Alcor to recreate or force changes in the timeline after his death if it does not end how he wants it to end. He can alter events or prevent possible situations which can completely change the timeline to his liking. This even works on realms where time is non-existent. The change during a reset are strong enough to bring back the world after it's destruction and revive or recover anyone no matter their condition.

Memories: For some unknown reason, anyone who has some intense bond or connection with Alcor will slightly remember past iterations of the timeline before it is reset, similar to Deja Vu. Though knowledge is limited, it can help them predict future events which is extremely useful to any allies of Alcor as they can predict what will happen next, unless the timeline was changed far different from it's previous incarnation. It can also be used in a fight to throw of his opponent by using an attack they didn't predict or fighting in a way he hadn't done before.

Penalties: The butterfly effect of Alcor's reset is completely out of his control. This means that any changes Alcor's Authority produces can be manipulated, what happens beyond said time is completely unknown. Future events could happen entirely differently after he changes the timeline and nothing like his prediction. He would have to use the ability again if he wished to change the timeline to his preference.

^^^ ALSO REZERO WIKI SAID THAT ALCOR HAS THIS ABILITY??? IS THIS REAL??? THATS KIND OF. TERRIFYINGLY INTERESTING?? LIKE THIS KIND OF POWER IS INSANE GODDAMN.... CAN YOU IMAGINE THE BUTTERFLY EFFECTS THIS WOULD HAVE....?????

[deathzgf]

( almost ) ALL MY AMREV + FREV WIPS ( 12 october - 5 november 2023 ) ! ! ! ! !

WARNING : long ass post jFDSFLKJSLF ( will all be under the cut )

NOTE : not everything is here ! a lot of my amrev + frev drawings are doodles ive done in class ( which i cant find ) + i Do Not Like a lot of them + Tumblr only allows so many images T___T

ah yes . . . the doodle that started it all . . . my good omens sona in the french revolution ! except i had no idea what i was doing at ALL and had no historical context ! which i now do have and it makes me ENRAGED for how good omens handled that era . . . why are they in the bastille in 1793 . . . ANYWAYS ! YEAH !

aaand because of that doodle , i researched frev fashion ! and guess what ! that robespierre fashion video came up ! wooo robespierre ! and then this was the first fucking thing i drew of him i cant . I WAS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW THE FUCK HE MISSED SO BAD + HOW THE BULLET WOULD LOOK

BECAUSE after that i drew this ! pookie ! ! !

first saint just drawing . i was listening to angel with a shotgun on loop . . . and i thought . . . angel with a guillotine . . . get it cuz hes . hes angel of the terror . and . and . a

i dont have any explanation for this

i hate this . but first robespierre AND saint just drawing wahoo

first frev oc except the hair on that one drawing is red because i went back and changed it cuz i made their name Jules Le Roux and . You know . Red hair . yeah

jules and calixte ! ! ! calixte is @toastytrusty ' s oc and my sweet sweet little baby i love them dearly

. . . saint just doodle i forgor to come back to

JULES AND CALIXTE LORE

miku binder robespierre

saint just painting robespierres nails because :3

WE INTO THE AMREV NOW WOOO . anyways me when ive married and icarus and hes flown too close to the sun lol ( his wings are meant to be burning letters btw . yeah )

jules , calixte , and leonard interaction ! ! ! ! !

which didnt go well

this turned out gayer than intended i genuinely dont know what happened here

i wanted to continue this so bad but i fucking forgot about it but Uhhh uhhhhh uhhh

you know those vamp ! robespierre and vamp hunter ! saint just aus ? yeah

PLEASE STOP SAYING IT LOOKS LIKE A DICK IVE NEVER DRAWN A VIOLIN BEFORE PLEASE LEAVE HIM ALONE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE . anyways he playsss theee violinnn he tucks it right underr hisss chinnnnn

winning the idgaf war . unbothered . living his best life

theres a storytime for this drawing but ill save that for later . john adams ( 2008 ) scene redraw but instead of jefferson grabbing adams elbow its his waist except it looks awful and i need to redo it soo baddd

vamp ! robespierre and saint just ( ? ? ? i guess vamp hunter ! saint just cuz thats usually what goes with vamp ! robespierre but idk man ) . they were meant to be on like some moonlit picnic or some shit but then class ended and i forgor about this

donald trump , alexander hamilton , and thomas jefferson . need i say more ?

the ORIGINAL toxic doomed yaoi ( hamburr )

burr . boobies :3

that one scene from saint just et la forces des choses BUT AGAIN this turned out gayer than intended . why do they keep doing this

hey girl i think theres something wrong with your leg

semi modern band ! gay trio . . . thing . . . ? girl idk . but i gave up

making jules a proper ref ! who cheered !

AAAND THATS IT !

let me know if . you want me to finish any of these because otherwise theyre probably going to rot in my gallery HELP

[exiledelle]

UNDERTALE YELLOW SPOILERS FOR PACIFIST AND MERCILESS

please excuse my crazed and disorganized ramblings this is a long one and im not even sure if im making a point or just spinning in circles around a single thing that should be way simpler to say than im saying it

okay so i might be going a little insane over undertale yellows whole storyline with the blue soul, how something bad happened, people were attacked, etc

and my brain wants, or at least wanted, to make a whole Conspiracy Board about my thoughts on it, but im coming to the realization that theres actually not much i can say about individual pieces of dialogue cuz everything i could say about whats mentioned in-game basically just sums up to: What If It's Not What It Seems

like. everything said about the blue soul is just that there was an attack, not about what actually happened. i dont think it was the murderous rampage everyone paints it as, considering dalv was there and only got injured, plus the human fleeing instead of finishing the job or standing their ground like someone on a merciless route would normally do.

im not saying the human DIDNT kill though, to be completely clear. im just suggesting that the event is vague and uncertain, and theres still multiple ways it could go. maybe the human killed, but it was an accident, a mistake they couldnt possibly fix and paid a horrible price for, or maybe it WAS intentional for one reason or another, but they werent going out of their way to kill everyone they met, neutral route at worst

or, an option my brain is lingering on personally: what if they were FRAMED. by who, im not sure. why, im not sure. but like....the tutu is only referred to as dusty by papyrus, but the item itself is just "old". so maybe the dust is natural rather than a monsters, but with that said, its still THERE, and theres a weight to it. especially considering the ballet shoes' description says the shoes make you feel "incredibly dangerous" which on its own can be shrugged off as a joke, but with the context of yellow (ignoring that its not officially canon) its not that simple

and the WEIGHT of that dust is what the whole thing is about: something bad absolutely happened regarding the blue soul. we just dont know what specifically went down, even with undertale yellows spin on it. all undertale yellow gives us is where it happened, and how that humans journey ended.

i cant say for sure what actually happened, and thats the thing: i dont think ANYONE can. but honestly thats the thing i love about the whole blue soul plotline: its open-ended. and its somethin id actually hope for a fangame to try and explore, that theres no single "right" answer

(that said i do think its absolutely possible for a fangame that tries to touch on it to give it a single outcome and still be interesting and satisfying, im just leaning way more toward the multiple answers route)

also this is a side tangent but.

one thing id also like to bring up is the soul mode transformation in yellow: in each route, clover obtains the soul mode because of a strong feeling of justice. whether thats ceroba making unjust decisions in desperation, or discovering axis was responsible for the death of a human. (neutral routes an enigma, theres no real transformation, flowey just flips clovers soul upside down, and boom, theyre in shooter mode)

obviously souls are the embodiment of a persons essence, so this isnt really surprising. but specifically what im thinking of is. the blue souls mode in undertale is gravity. the soul is weighed down and has to jump.

what if, unlike clovers shooter mode, this gravity mode was NEGATIVE for them. not some ultimate realization of the humans integrity, its whatever happened in snowdin possibly weighing on their back? maybe they killed, maybe they led someone else to kill, but either way it loops back to them, in one way or another its their fault, and the guilt of it literally weighs on their soul and results in the gravity mode?

like i said in my cyan soul fangame concept, i dont have the means to work on a soul fangame (although id still love to), but i am excited to see how other fangames handle it assuming they do try and lead into yellow

[red-dyed-sarumane]

okie im tired for the day heres my vocacolle recs

Inner Child - yurame (miku) : this ones my current favorite. i love the spaceyness going on & i love how the chorus sounds with the harmonies & the lyrics are so good too.

kaf-eine - hiiragi magnetite (kafu) : kafu kafu kafu kafu!!!! this is so fucking cute this is the best thing to come out of their neta posting i love this i love sena yuta's art too its all just so good

kaihou seimei - zeeka (vflower) : this song goes hard. some of the lyrics are a little weird to me but thats really just a zeeka thing the whole things really solid. (zeeka has en translation in the video btw! so u all can enjoy in full) very cool flower song highly recommend

phenomenon - szri (gekiyaku utau + ß) : szri's music always goes hard. quick paced & heavy. love the growly gekiyaku & the rap parts. clearly szri's sound but its distinct from their other songs i think tho some parts remind me of quiet & anaphylaxis. is it related idk im not looking into it rn

kowaremono - kyiku (rime & kazehiki utau) : holy shit. hi i love this. the lyrics kinda hurt & it sounds so dramatic. also oh my god the tuning on rime i could cry. working with her to make her sound both emotional & pretty🥺🥺 this isnt a duo i wouldve thought of but it works. this is so good [puts it directly in ur hands and walks away]

Predation - logico (haru) : yeah this is something i can easily loop for days. its so good. love the little bits of squeakiness on haru it has charm to me. goes hard. haru fans come get ur food

Shell - tokino yamma (rime) : i wasnt sold on this at first but listening more i feel like it works with rime well enough. sounds more emotional than like shes actually struggling it gets a pass from me. love the sound in the chorus. idk this is going to grow on me even more i think with the combination of the lyrics & sound

moving on to things i didnt mylist but still like enough to have in a playlist

Smart??? - marasy (kagamine rin) : i like the it

Worst Regret - youman (gumi) : youman is hit or miss with me but this is a HIT love it

Rime-chan no fukuoka trip kisoukyoku - minami no minami (rime, sekai, kafu, touhoku kiritan, frimomen, matsuka risuku) : hilarious finally my girl gets a neta song thank u minami no minami everything about this js so fuckign funny

Polybius - dopam!ne & zensen (kafu) : these 2 producers know how to have fun together. kami electroswing duo for REAL

hayari no ice cream - mochi utsune (miku) : simultaneous both cute and dark. worth ur time

chase - satsuki (teto sv) : heavy sounding song & theres something about it that keeps u listening. yes its supposed to be pronounced chase its in the comment when u like the video.

it's all my fault - aluvi (stardust infinity) : this is so pretty like actually. heavy content wise but the sound is just SO good. please give it a chance.

Chase - yakou ume (aisuu, rime, tsurumaki maki) : COMPLETELY different from the other chase. its still so good tho

Caligula - shinonome kasumi (gekiyakuß & rime) : this legit sounds like it should be one of the most popular uploads and yet it is not. how sad. its really good

denkou roukaku - dadari (haru) : another haru banger. shes kinda squeaky but i like it.

Plum - see & haiiro nemuri (nedjem & kafu) : such a calm tranquil sound for something not that light.

Time Limit - sigma (kafu, miku, & vflower) : idk how to describe this one its more mellow than other things ive put here but its so far from the really tranquil stuff. very good

yuurei ni naretara. - HotaRu (miku) : absolutely LOVE this sound it feels like carbonation in a pretty colored drink to me

tengoku yori shounen-kun e. - aira (coko, chisei, & kafu) : airas tuning is so unique no one does it like aira does this song is so immediately clockable as aira and it fucks

imaginary girl - miru (teto sv) : this feels like a popular song. to me. im not going to look at the view count im going to live in my own world about it

uso desho!? - eo (rin) : i can vibe to this i think i like the it

hakoniwa no kajitsu [beginning] - hitogoto (kafu & haru) : oooo another hitogoto song pair im liking where this is going i like this theres a story in this one too. dramatic.

giraffe center - caracca (kafu) : i dont have anything profound to say but i think its worth a listen

[narwhalandchill]

ok not to randomly go off on a somewhat negative ramble But. (general genshin story direction worries basically)

while there are a bunch of stunts i fear the genshin story slash lore could end up pulling that would serve as not only disappointments but to varying degrees also just retroactively ruin a lot of games writing for me. i dont think theres anything that im as genuinely concerned about as the possibility of like. completely losing their narrative marbles to an overdone time travel/temporal manipulation in one way or another like just the thought of that shit haunts me

bc like. while i dont find them particularly compelling as an argument for that to be the case regarding Everything in the narrative in current lore/theory circles (like. makoto n ei teaming up w istaroth once doesnt automatically establish universal time travel). it is unfortunately true that in canon lore there are many of the kind of lore pieces present that you could use to set that kind of reveal and complete restructuring of the story up. istaroth and the sacred sakura and some shady things said by various characters and how you could argue Any time loop or travel adjacent is just hidden by the irminsul 5head (another piece of writing whose potential misuse seriously alarms me, mind you). and so on.

and i am just. Not about any of that shit. like. for me absolutely any plot device or element that has the risk of fundamentally fucking up a storys continuity and coherence sideways to the degree BOTH the

"genshins gonna turn out to be ALL time travel/time loop/simulation to make [sudden endgame twist X heavily at odds with what was established in the central lore prior] appear sensible"

and

"celestia just irminsuls away all evidence for [that twist X again] so achsually it was always genius and compatible with lore"

tier of nightmare scenarios will have. is just. Not fucking worth it. this shit has ruined countless stories with vastly better writing and way more competent authors because its just. not the kind of stuff you can just insert in a massive fucking story willy nilly to explain away the mystery box you didnt bother to set up together so it ultimately comes together in a cohesive way that Doesnt need to be broken on multiple levels to scrape together some conclusion. and its just hhhhhhhhhhhhhh

and like ive never expected some massive masterpiece out of genshin like at best its gonna be one of those stories that once finished gets some really fucking banger fanwork as its community expands upon and explores a solid but flawed canon groundwork. theres fundamental flaws and limitations to its storytelling and format and that cant be helped. so im expecting no miracles on that front.

but the one fucking thing i dont want them to fall for is that misguided at best and outright pretentious and disrespectful at worst allure of. SEE! we outsmarted the audience! the theories! we broke our own story continuity to force a twist because our established worldbuilding technically makes it an option! isnt this smart!

like just please. no. no clue how unpopular this is but im already quite conflicted on the established use of irminsul in sumeru and how it arguably voided a lot of important characterization (nahidas inferiority complex) and narrative potential (scara literally becoming a non factor in the grander story more or less) for good but like. for now. fine. it hasnt become overused yet. i dont think its inherently bad as a factor of worldbuilding. i like how it recontextualizes fact and fiction and the significance of stories that appear mere fables in the world of teyvat. but as it stands the irminsul is still a deus ex machina. and thats a dangerous tool for any writer to have in careless use. and when combined with the sprinkles of lore involving the possibility of time manipulation and such to be further explored. its like powder and keg. two tools that can absolutely gut a story of its narrative cohesion and the weight of its stakes in an instant. its really fucking worrisome.

genshins writing is flawed but the one thing this game has going for it that i REALLY hope the writers will understand to respect is its world. how much the marriage between this massive and beautifully crafted immersive open world and the intricacies of lore and history afforded to all corners of it truly do in tandem to establish the world of genshin as more Real. as weightier. as a place you grow and remain attached to even when the main storys writing stumbles. the world is so important and to let it remain feeling real is just. i hope they understand how fragile of a gem that is.

featuring an artificial world order established by fraudulent divinity and that involving some degree of cosmic fuck-uppery of the natural order and all-encompassing illusion to maintain it is fine. this is a story heavily referencing gnosticism that theme is literally a given. but it needs to be an artificial world order imposed on a real world that remains feeling real the entire time through. and for that to be preserved it needs to remain grounded.

but the problem is that once a story truly commits to the "anything could be altered and fundamentally reversed with the right mcguffin at play with seeming impunity" there is no going back. it becomes very fucking difficult to keep the figurative feet of a narrative even touching the ground for even the most skilled of writers afforded absolute creative freedom to work with (which genshin does not have). and just that much more easier for the stakes to be lost completely. and i dont want to see that scenario become reality

[heylinfanclub]

Every time I see fictional enactments of people having mental breakdowns I’m like. ‘Is it not normal to do that like three times a week’. I’m going to have. Such major heart problems. My whole life. I just know it.

The swinging between hysterical, sad and mad? The eyes wide rolling around in my damn skull? The struggle to breathe and not choke on your own spit? The sensation that you might just lash out at anyone or anything that gets too close? The existential hysteria questioning YOUR VERY EXISTENCE AND THE EXISTENCE OF CAUSALITY AND WHY THINGS ARE THE WAY THEY ARE AND COULD THEY NOT BE AND COULD SOMEONE JUST TAKE ME AWAY TAKE ME AWAY.

It’s that last part especially. When you start getting. So. In your god damn feels. YOURE BEGGING THE UNIVERSE FOR REPRIEVE ON REPEAT AS YOU SWAY BACK N FORTH LIKE YOURE HAVING THE WORST TRIP IMAGINABLE TRYING TO CONTACT GOD. HELP ME. HELP ME. HELP ME. HELP ME. KILL ME. RUN OVER MY HEAD. NEVER WAKE ME. SEND ME TO HELL ILL PAY FOR MY SINS NOW PLEASE PLEEAASSE ANYTHING BUT A MOMENTS MORE OF TORMENT. that kinda. Shit.

Every day people look at me and tell me I’m fine. I’m smart I’m practical I’m insightful I’m hanging on I’m resourceful I seem GREAT. Hell. My problems aren’t even that bad from their perspective (and maybe they’re right!)

I want to kill them every time and maybe one day I’ll smack someone across the face. Maybe break my knuckles smashing their nose into their brain. I think. I deserve it.

ANYWAY. had another lapse of mental angst because I cannot prioritize without a helper and that means I’m drowning in an infinitely vast array priorities, and should I spare one even a second of my attention, my anxiety comes running at me with a machete to ritually slaughter me for thinking for a second THAT was my highest priority.

I just want. To live. But I cannot. Because my brain doesn’t know what’s important. Except for. Being In a Domestic Cow Like State of UNTHINKING. and it makes me wanna explode my surroundings with my mind.

I’m getting a headache from being stuck in executive dysfunction too long and I donttt liikkeee iittttt.

LIKE. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HAVIN A GOOD ONE. I was supposed to be feelin a GOOD EMOTION SPARKED. INSPIRATION. INSPIRATION FOR MY DESIRE TO WRITE A STORY. But instead. I was smacked with that reminder that. I don’t choose what’s important and what needs to be done and if I do it. I don’t get to choose. So why both having dreams? Why bother having wants? Wishes? Why bother? (It would matter more if I had a community that HELPS ME and maybe I have a community that PROTECTS me but that’s. Not the same. I feel so fuckin brainless. My thoughts bounce in every direction but go Nowhere. They loop back on themselves and fight each other like rabid animals. I don’t know how I’m supposed to live with a brain like this. Forever. Happily. Not without reliable support. Which doesn’t exist. There is no such thing as reliable. Everything is temporary. So it’s always fINE THEN you have to FIND A WAY TO COPE. ALONE? FOREVER? It’s bullshit. I hate this shit. Ahhhhh.

I wanted to think Ooo Ahh inspiration for a story I want to write so bad.

But it just went ‘when. When will you write. How. Will you be afloat. Will it distract you. Distract you from friends from life from stability? You can’t even take care of yourself you don’t deserve to do anything until you can take care of yourself and function with others and *you have so many other higher priorities that will kill you if you do not attend to them first*’

Weeps

THERAPIST SAID I DIDNT HAVE OCD. NOT EVEN PURE O. AND MAYBE SHE RIGHT. I CAN STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. IF PUSHED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. WHICH IM NEVER. BECAUSE IM ALONE. AND THAT MEANS I END UP RUMINATING TIL I HAVE HEART AND STOMACH PAINS. AHHHHHHH.

Awoooo

Awoooo

I hate it

[ben10ocfanfic]

Tale of 10 chapter 6

1. The group of boys Continued to ride. Jesse Took a very deep breath. He looked at the scene around him and took note of the damages to the rv. Admittedly it wasnt as bad as it could be considering what happened.

2. It still didnt make Dj feel any better apon seeing one of his oldest freinds looking so distraught. This RV was Jesses home. He worked since he was 15 for this truck. He almost dropped out junior year to keep his job.

3. Dj walked over to his old freind."If theres anything i can do please tell me jess." Jesse just smiled." I love this thing. But thats all it is brother just a thing. Id rather lose it then you guys."

4. In silent agreement Rick an josè nodded there heads."yeah an besides we can always help fix it." José said cheerfully. Jesse raised a brow."you know how to replace a dashboard broken windshelid an numrous holes along the back?"

5. Jose chuckled nervously "well we can always watch you do it." Jess rolled his eyes." Thats what I thought now lets figure this out" jess pointed at Dj.

6. Two hours later. Progress had been slow. Rick had been trying to focus on how Djs biology worked. Honestly he had no clue." My best guess is you're currently some sort of alien. "

7. Everyone sorta just looked at him confused."how did you come up with that one Sherlock?" José asked sarcastically. Rick sighed." Well, those robot things seemed to come from space. An im guessing they were after you since I dont see any other reason to attack."

8.while not satifyed the boys accepted it as jesse started tapping hard on the hourglass symbol." Jess you good dude?"Dj asked. Jess didnt awnser right away but spoke after a minute or two."I think you should be able to push this down but it looks stuck."

9. Dj nodded before thinking for a moment. He then started repeatedly smacking the symbol. After a few minutes a red flash blinded everyone before everyone saw the form of Dj.

10. Dj looked down observing his body. Everything seemed normal even his cloths were back untill he look as his wrist. There on his wrist was a green an black watch. The frimliar hour glass symbol was also present. However parts of the watch looked damaged.

11. The hourglass symbol had a noticeable crack although its was faint an didn't distort the symbol. Some parts looked to have exposed wiring. As if the covering had been removed. But most noticble part was that something was effecting the skin around Djs arm. Little, thick, green, square ,like lines. It almost looked like a tattoo of some sort.

12. It made Dj feel uncomfortable. He immediately reach for it. Attempting to rip it off him. He struggled for a minute before his face went pale. Rick then noticed djs face as jose an jesse inspected the rest of djs body for any injuries. "Hey buddy uh whats wrong?" Rick asked as Dj stared at him.

13. Jose an Jesse were now concerned as well. "Hola hermano ¿estás bien? Estamos preocupados por ti. ...Te ves pálido" José questioned. Jesse shook his freind slightly trying to get him to react.

14. Finally he spoke. "Its stuck." The boys all go quiet. "Its fused to MY FUCKING SKIN!!!!" Dj started to scream while waving his arm wildly while the boys try to calm him.

15. After nearly an hour of panicked screaming the boys gather around Dj. At this point the boys had been trying to remove the watch using various tools most of witch were broken. The boys were now trying something new

16."Guys this is a bad idea." Said Dj as jose attached jummper cables to the watch. Rick an Jesse looked back at there freind an shrugged. "Its fine our plan is solid" Rick then chimed in. "Its this or the hacksaw.". Dj gulped. "Hey dont worry man I got only one arm an im fine."

17. " I still don't like this I dont care what happens to me but what if you guys get hurt trying to hack this thing.!" Jesse just laughed. "Dont worry besides were not hacking anything were gonna use ricks laptop to create a electrical feedback loop. Witch will hopefully cause a system overload loop to shut down whats restraining you."

18. Dj an jose give him a blank stare. Rick sighs an face palm. "Doctor redneck here is trying to fry the watch." The two nod. "Yeah frying the alien watch still sounds like a bad idea. I just don't want my best freinds getting vaporized. " dj said before he sighed." But I can't really stop you from helping."

19."Dam right now lets fry some bacon!" Yelled jesse as he started. The computer humed to life along with the watch. Jose and ruck kept a hand around each clamp incase the needed to stop.

20. Dj tryed his best to stay calm. Jose smiled "see essay were good nothing can go wrong." Rick jesse an dj gave him a stink eye as the watcu started to glow. "You just had to say it." Said dj. Jesses panicked an started to press the keys quickly. "Shit! Get thoses off him! Now!"

21. without hesitation the boys started to pull hard but soon found the clamps were stuck."Guys forget me run!" Jose pulled harded the vain in his arm showing. " HELL NO. Were brothers amigo! We wont leave you behind!"

22. Rick strained as well pulling with both hands. "It will be a cold day in hell before we abadon- whats happing to our hands?" In response José looked down at his hand an noticed it was turning a dark green while ricks were turning black.

23. They looked to jesse who held up two unnaturally white hands before a green light took over there vision. A Shockwave of green energy erupted from the watch an knocked them unconscious.

24. Meanwhile far off in space on the planet Galvin prime.

25.A small 3 inch gray alien in green robes tinkered away. He have a smirk on his face as the small machine came to life. It looked like a mechanical spider. "Theses new drones should make repairs easier. Of course this is only a prototype."

26.As the alien admired his work another alien rushed in yelling nonsense as he tryed to get the others attention. This alien wore a lab coat with large oversized googles.

27. The first alien sighed. "Darwin please I know taking the role as my new assistant has gotten you nervous but I cant understand you. Witch is saying something as I know over 12000 different languages. At least breathe"

28. The alien took a deep breathe. "My apologies first thinker asmuth. But its happened. The omnitrix is back online. An I think it done something to earth."

29. Dawrin handed a tablet to asmuth. The first thinker sighed." It seems the past is catching up with us. It looks like someone tryed overloading the omnitrix but only cuased it to release a wave of dna across the planet. This is very bad. I must seek audience with the guardians of Oa an gain permission to one again return to earth.

30. Darwin gulped. "First thinker they banned you from returning after the incident. " asmuth chuckled "its only an incident if i did something on accident. Whatever the case earth is in grave danger. I only hope the new guardian is as worthy as Tennyson. May his gods watch over him. Because i doubt were the only ones who took notice."

[horrorknife]

why do you like jake so much?

because i love it when characters are difficult and complicated and their characterization escapes the vast majority of a fanbase. there is SO MUCH to jakes character and a lot of it gets misconstrued/misunderstood or straight up just blown past. also jake has a lot of "required reading" as i like to call it irt movies, many of the movies and medias he enjoys can be looped back around into the reader's understanding of him; big examples here are princess bride (which i actually havent seen yet but i Understand how it impacts him), avatar, and i would say even his interest in comics! Everything is Something with jake.

if were gonna use avatar for example. You might think Oh jonah. This is just his silly joke interest! which yeah thats true but it absolutely can be both and i choose to interpret it as such. but if youve seen avatar then youve seen the way neytiri and jakes relationship operates. Its literally dirkjake in a different font you guys. an important sentiment i always come back to with avatar is "i see you". jake wants to be Seen and Understood and Known but he is also very scared of being Seen and Understood and Known because he is, more than anything, a Faker. he hides the truth and even squirrels it away from himself and this is the thing that causes a lot of his internal strife and etc. in avatar jake sully at the end of the movie makes the choice to become a na'vi and be with neytiri. he literally changes himself to be with her (and ironically turns himself into a Blue Guy to be with the Blue Girl) and i think this is probably a really easy and quick way to explain the Jake Camouflage. jake Pretends and Fakes because he wants people to like him. he is desperate for validation and approval from other people to the point where it wears heavily on his wellbeing. this is one of my favorite things to play around with.

jakes relationship with gender and sexuality is also a really heavy hitter for me, i love gender and exploring gender and talking about gender because it is the Core of me as a Person. i <3 being nonbinary i will never shut up about it. Anyway. the way jake haphazardly traipses through all of his interactions with women he is "supposed to" be attracted to just screams closeted gay guy to me. like. Check this out.

here jake is having an argument with 'himself' (bgd) about his attraction to aranea and how hes having intrusive sexual thoughts about her but "theyre just thoughts they dont mean anything im not trying to have them!" comes off to me like "Please Someone Fucking Save Me From Forcing Myself To Like Girls To Fill The Part Of A Macho Man Which I Know I Am Not". jakes relationship with jane is a fucking disaster because theyre both trying to appeal to a cishetnormative read of themselves (and for jane she pastes that onto both of them) and play the part of their agabs (tmasc nonbinary butch lesbian jane and tfem nonbinary gay jake household sorry if you came here for something different) while failing spectacularly.

when it comes to gender jake really enjoys his extremes--he loves peak masculinity and he loves peak femininity but he HATES the idea of being a man (his own words!) cue: the excerpt everyone sources.

i have a Lot that i could say about this exchange but this is already a really long post so im gonna try and wrap shit up here.

i could honestly talk about this All Day and write several thousand words about jake alone (notice how i didnt touch on dirkjake at all here. Yeah thats because it would be the worlds longest post ever if i did. We can save that for a rainy day LOL) but for your own sanity anon i will abstain. Um yeah but this is just a quick snippet of my Thoughts. i have a lot more and i definitely left a lot of things out here but im always happy to infodump like this if i get prompted :-)

[thelibraryofeyonthee]

This is gonna be wild

This is gonna sound wild but the answer is to NOT do. Every impluse that tells you to DO, only pulls you further away from "I will supply all of your needs."

I remember during 2020 when I was going through the most upsetting time of my life; i told my mentor all about what I was experiencing and what did I need to do in order to get here or there and she told me. . .nothing. She told me you are a human being; not a human doing. Doing is such a distraction. We are always doing. In fact we do so much that we inturn miss so much too.

I'm currently sitting in silence and realizing how much of my internal thoughts I drown out simply by doing noise. sitting with myself in silence is so peaceful. Its so calming. Its so wonderful. Yet I allow so much noise in by DOING.

I read something today that said "what is a hobby you do just because you enjoy it. It's not transactional. And I forgot that writing my innermost thoughts is just that. I'm not monetizing this, because I'm simply being this.

My thoughts were what do I need to DO in order to make the money I need to pay for this and that? Then earlier, I thought about something my ex said when I asked her what did I do that would've caused her to fall in love with me so quickly, to which she responded "what makes you think you had to do something for me to love you?" Even now this brings tears to my eyes, because I have been programmed to feel that I have to always DO in order to recieve anything. Even simple things, because me simply being is not enough. But me being is why she loved me. Me being is why life has worked out. Me being is why I receive the best. Me being is how I got the job that I didnt even look nor apply for. Me being is how I got the friends and opportunities that I got.

During the moments of being was when I received so many unexpected things. And I wonder if the reason why we don't truly experience the power of God is because God only can exist when we chose to Be; not do but Be. How can God showup if we're playing God?

Money is always in the back of my mind because I chose to believe that I have to do something in order to get my bills paid, but what if they weren't getting paid easily because I was deciding to do? What if I allowed me doing or trying to figure out a way to pay them was off the table. That it was not my job. I picked these bills because they are what I wanted; however, how they got paid isn't up to me. It's only up to me if i make it up to me.

I know this sounds insane but this is the divine download I got for my own healing. Being a child that never felt truly taken care of, because I got in the drivers seat to take care of the things outside of me so I never learned how nor had the space to take care of me. And now that I am learning my true needs and how to take care of myself, that is my only job. God has removed everything fimilar from me to get me to focus on myself and all things I love and enjoy. I believe God is willingly to handle the rest if I give it to Him. If I give it to Him.

And the loop is because I am so use to not being taken care of it is hard to trust that He will take care of me.

-an intense cry I just had-

God please teach me how to trust you. Please teach me how to trust you without having to do anything to figure out how to trust you.

Even today I told my friend to say more, but talk less. Everything revolving around doing less. And during this season I've been doing less while trying to fight it by doing more. I've only dipped my toe in the less, while simultaneously doing more because I don't believe that I have the right to do less, but the gag is I do.

I have so much time to do less. I have some much time to be a child and do things I love. I used to love caligraphy. I would get my black water colour paints and write chinese script out on brown paper, because that's what the emporers daughter would do. I love piano and would play it because I thought it was beautiful and cool to know. I loved playing dress up, taking photos, making music videos, playing with barbies/make believe, writing, oh and reading. Watching music videos and dancing to them, over and over again. Playing video games, making audio recordings.

[nerdlebirdle]

TW: low self esteem, depression, spiralling thoughts, toxic relationship mentioned

Random words cause i dont know who to talk to without feeling like a burden to irl friends so im putting it on the internet and idk if i'll even post it. i just want to compile my thoughts.

Im currently going through a depressive episode and got hit with bad news and work has been pissing me off. All negative emotions.

I told my boyfriend about it and just broke down in tears while we were cuddling in bed. Told him about the bad news, how i felt regarding bad news, that on top of being pissed because of work and bad news i have this depressive episode that i have been trying to stave off but cant. I cant run away from depressive episodes that long.

And he just... he held me and hugged me and reassured me im not a horrible person? And that he just felt bad that he didnt know how much i hide emotion wise???

And im laying there going "no its okay. I dont want to be a burden so i hide it. Its second nature" which yes it is, its a defense mechanism i have been using since i was little to avoid feeling like a burden and other horrible thinking i have of myself. (This is NOT a good defense mechanism, i know but im working on it.)

He just "youre not a burden" and when i apologized for bringing the mood down he said "its okay im glad you told me." And i... 😭😭 im emotional

He is so supportive and understanding and patient and kind. This is my first healthy relationship and its throwing me for a GIANT loop.

My ex literally hated hearing about my problems and would spin it to be about him. And when i didnt talk to him, he would get upset i wouldnt talk to him.

And now im in a relationship that not only is he always listening, he's reassuring me of everything im insecure about.

Telling me i am enough. Im not a burden. I can talk to him. Hes happy that i feel safe enough to talk to him about this stuff on MY OWN TIME. Like he doesnt expect to hear about it all the time or all at once but when i do talk about it he doesnt stop me. He doesnt get upset. He listens and he does everything he can to comfort me???? To reassure me its okay to feel like this and that im doing me best??? That im a strong person????

Its so utterly wild to me but it's so nice.

I never thought i would get something like this in my life. I didnt think i deserved it and sometimes i still feel like this. (Im working on it) but its the little things that my boyfriend does that just... i feel loved. I feel special. I feel important. And he just does so much and i dont know if he realizes how much he does with these little gestures.

I have not been one to talk about stuff like this to people. This leads back to my defense mechanism and keeping myself safe. But with him i feel safe, that i can talk to him and not feel judged.

HELL HE TOLD ME "i wont judge you. I will be here for you" 😭😭😭

Everything he has done in the 2 months we have been dating has been more than my ex did in 7 years. More than anyone else has in my entire life.

I know i have good friends that have been with me for years but nothing compares to how my boyfriend makes me feel.

Its throwing me for a loop because i havent had a healthy relationship before this one. I still struggle with my depression. But i know i can go to him if i need to talk to someone or even to just sit with. And that alone is a thought that helps me a ton.

My depression wont ever fully go away but it doesnt feel entirely lonely anymore. Yes the spiralling thoughts keep coming and going and sometimes i do convince myself that i went to far and let out too much emotion/information. But i know he has my back. That alone is such a helpful thing that sits in my head.

And its just so nice to have that.

I hope you all have someone like that. If you dont, please dont lose hope. You will find someone. Just hang in there. I may not know you, but i care about you. You are not alone. I know its tough. I know its hard. I have been in your position many a times. Hang in there. You are doing your best even if it doesnt feel like it. You got this. One step at a time. And no matter how small a step you take, its still progress.

[angeldiaries777]

extreme trigger warning for everything. please don't read if you know it could potentially upset you. !! also very personal. so if you don't want to know then also u might want to skip this post. i understand if i lose followers because of this rant but ive always shared my struggles on here so i thought i might share what ive been through to vent and release my own anxiety and maybe help someone else.again read at your own discretion and ofc this isn't even a fraction of everything just a very very very very tiny snippet. this is also a draft from two days ago.

recovering from my ed slowly but those thoughts never go away. i practically quit school for ed blogs and twitter. chasing results is a never ending journey. if you get bad enough they will never end until you die. i'm not talking like skipped lunch once. no i legit had to recover myself just to stay alive while dealing with a million other mental illnesses and life issues. everything alone. it used to make me so beyond sad for myself i was stuck in a loop of self pity and now i don't feel anything anymoreso i am trying to use my numbness for good. know that if you feel not alone per say. but like if you don't fix your issues yourself or help yourself out of actual living hell that it will only continue to get worse. but also know that whatever it is you have to feel it till you get so bored of your own shit. im always annoyed and upset with people cuz i am sensetivie and very mentally ill but we know u cannot control a single thing outside of yourself. let yourself feel the affects. i myself had to literally lose parts of my vision to want to recover from everything and had to see what 3 years of pure isolation and self destruction/abuse did to my face and body and it was terrifying. 15 years of just pure self hatred and dealing with crippling anxiety/depression and inferiorty complex took such a toll on me. i feel physically sick everyday. i would not only not take care of myself i would harm myself mentally, emotionally, physically even repress and shame myself sexually. i was a mess. im at a point where i don't remember much of it in detail despite it being a few months again. with my last attempt being barely a month ago. you have to see it through. human survival instinct will try to keep you alive more than anything. ive always known ive had imense potential cuz its been drilled into my brain since i was a child so my ego was keeping me alive. also for the fact that at my lowest low i had also stopped believeing in god and i didnt know what would happen after death. death scared me. of course it didnt scare me enough to not try. one night i was laying on my living room i think this was a little bit before december of 2022 it was night time and i had turned the lights off i was home by myself and i just lined up every tool i had used for cvtting/sh in general and then some kitchen knifes and i fucked up my arm, thighs everywhere. i was crying so hard during it i could feel it in my head and heart and at that point i had already been through a lot. i just everything in me was telling me that life will never be worth it and neither will people. before i could shove a knife in my throat my mom entered the house and took all the knifes and razor blades etc away from me.

she just kind of looked at me like she knew i would do this but i didnt care. all the intensitity i felt. i knew it was too much. i knew i was my own worst enemy. i knew i was taking things too personal and i knew that the worlds problems were not mine yet still i had nothing to live for. once you get past a certain point. the pain just becomes permentant everything in the world becomes dim and all you have is yourself...

i will type more later but i just needed to vent.