#please hows about you dont force an identity on to me that cis society has tried to. an identity i dont want nor that i identify

[snekdood]

so ig butch is synonymous to trans men to ya'll now huh

[bitch-in-a-bag]

can we talk about how the LGBT movement has changed in the past 15 years?

in the light of the events surrounding Chris chan, and people prioritizing pronouns over the rape of a woman with dementia, I think it displays just how... different things are.

i personally feel like it's been co-opted by the more loud and entitled mtfs/ males/penis-havers/whatever pc term exists for the XY chromosome'd, who go too far and aren't reasonably kept in check. I think terf no longer has meaning anymore because it's just become a word we use to silence anyone that disagrees with a trans woman. immediately you're going to call me a terf, I accept that, but please continue reading. I may suprise you. calling someone who's transgender a terf is kinda messed up anyway, and that's exactly why im writing this.

I also think that everyone else (allies, ftms, etc) have followed suit because they've written this messed up narrative that EvErYoNe iS VaLiD. except for trans penis-havers, bc they're the most oppressed and the most valid, actually, regardless of their experiences.

I never used to believe the above because it was always written off as terf shit, and ignoring it kinda benefitted me, but between seeing ftms getting bashed for refusing to follow new "TME" rules as if they aren't trans too, and seeing outrage around Chris chans pronouns, I think it's time to start saying things that may make people uncomfortable. innocent people are already getting hurt by this, and we need to do better. it's time to get uncomfortable.

I want to remind you that perception is both the relying factor, and also the downfall of newer lgbt theory. if my profile were mtf coded, maybe it currently is, you'd call me a self hating trans and I wouldn't be that big of a deal. terfs would probably target me.

if my profile was ftm coded, I would be absolutely skewered for daring to speak out about these issues, even though they do actually affect ftms disproportionately. terfs would try to convince me that being trans is a plague and a mental illness, and to just ~be a cis woman~!

and if assumed cis, I would 100% be assumed radfem terf, and everything I say would immediately be dismissed because of the genuine damage terfs have done. but terfs would still probably flock to this post and berate me for daring to validate trans people At All, because to them, being transgender is a mental illness akin to an eating disorder, and "giving in" to it is "self harm". clearly I don't believe that, so hopefully you'll give me at least some benefit of the doubt.

so, does my identity matter? i have a feeling you'll say yes, because it gives us a good idea of experiences I do and don't have expertise in, and thus room to talk about. but I refuse to directly identify what I actually am because I want the focus of any resulting conversation to be my message and not my self identification. if you read between the lines and figure it out that's just fine, but I would like to be heard first and foremost.

my profile is thus an attempt at being cis female coded, somewhat out of comfort, and that is likely what I'll be assumed to be due to the beliefs I am expressing, even though there is a substantial risk of getting misgendered and dismissed, no matter what my birth sex may actually be. i will give you a hint about my identity: I am transgender, on HRT and everything, and I have been personally affected by all of this. rest assured, this is well within my lane to speak about, and it does matter if you misgender me.

I want you to really think about that. before you respond, really think about if someone saying words on tumblr, talking about their OWN experiences and their take on recent history that applies to themself, really more worthy of being misgendered and harassed than... someone who said they transitioned so they could date lesbians, and then raped their own mother with dementia.

is that fair or just? or is this just a new way of letting people with penises do whatever they want? I personally think it's the latter. we need to hold people like Chris chan accountable without getting caught up on something as minor **in comparison** as misgendering and self identification. Is it sad and confusing that someone who self IDs as transgender became 1:1 with the most dangerous stereotypes that exist for trans women? Of course it is. But it doesn't mean that self identification is suddenly more important than a literal crime being committed.

I would normally dismiss it as a fluke or outright trolling if the evidence weren't so damning that this is in fact a real event that happened. If I hadn't seen this happen to other people, and if I didn't literally know another mtf person who used their dysphoria as an excuse for date rape on multiple occasions and never got any consequences for it.

It's not a one time thing, it's a developing problem that we need to stop before more people have their lives ruined. I can't even imagine how traumatizing and messed up it is for an FTM person to be date raped, by another transgender person no less. When I, an abuse survivor, told people of this MTFs red flags, people violently silenced me. People who didn't know I was trans called me a terf and transphobic. We, as a community, could've protected someone from getting date raped, and we didn't. Trans women can be awful, horrible fucking people, because they are people. Protecting them at all costs is wrong. Protecting them from transphobia is what we should be doing.

That being said, misgendering is still skeevy, and I haven't done anything like raped a disabled woman who is no longer able to consent, or date raped my own partner. if you give a shit about respecting my identity, please use they/them for me. if not, use visual perception and make assumptions that will most likely be incorrect, skew your own argument, and put me on the same level as a rapist, and arguably a fetishist. And I do need to remind you that calling someone transgender a rapist and a fetishist without evidence is still definitely classic transphobia, to the letter, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't do that.

as someone who is same sex attracted, I also want to bring this up as well.

in the US in the past 15 years, the movement as a whole pretty much went "YEAH BORN THIS WAY" with Lady Gaga, and then jumped ship to prioritize mostly mtfs at every angle. do mtfs need support? absolutely. but they don't need misguided toxic positivity, and that's what it's turned into.

it's gotten genuinely homophobic to the point where actually homosexual people are constantly being erased and demonized via "genital preferences are a fetish uwu", and vulva havers, especially the trans ones, are constantly being told to shut up about their experiences.

as much as you want to deny bioessentialism, its still very much well and alive with newer trans movement sentiments when we classify ftms as not worthy of speaking about their own issues with terms like "TME". it's also incredibly ignorant towards FTMs who pass, but dress feminine for comfort, and get mistaken for MTF, and treated like garbage because of it. They are not remotely exempt from misogyny, transphobia, or the intersection of the two, and it is not anyone's job to tell them they don't ever experience that when they do. Turning ftms and biological homosexuals into our enemies-- especially when the actual cause is transphobia and harmful gender stereotypes-- does nothing good or healthy for our movement.

Dont be mistaken, though, passing isn't the focus or end all be all here, it's the perception of others that ends up drastically effecting your experiences. There are words like misogyny that imply treatment via birth sex, however this too can be reliant on external perception. If an MTF individual either transitions very young, has an abundance of resources to transition, or just gets lucky and passes well, chances are she will experience a lot more misogyny than people may give credit to. inversely, someone who just started questioning yesterday, but lived as a male their whole life up until then, they genuinely cannot speak about misogyny with that much room because they simply haven't experienced it at an accurate enough angle or for enough time to understand it as a repeated and sociological force.

It works the other way as well, though; someone who's known that they're trans for a long time and haven't had the resources to transition, or do not or cannot pass in the eyes of society; these people suffer pain that we don't neccesarily have a word for yet, imo. It makes dysphoria worse and it makes living seem hopeless. And as a community, we deal with this is in a really messed up way by over-validating them instead of solving the core issue at hand. and people who suffer from this, but also acknowledge they can't claim what they haven't experienced, are left with nowhere to go.

And its important to acknowledge these things because they're integral to the over-encompassing trans experience. Instead of lying to everyone and telling everyone they pass/giving out unconditional positive regard, our focus should be making it so that it **doesn't matter if you pass**. that you're still worth respect and dignity if you're transgender, no matter what passing is or what it means to you, and no matter how you present. But also, if you do something awful, you still need to be held accountable, especially if you use yourself, your body, or your trans status to contribute to other axi of oppression.

Transphobia is a word that encompasses and addresses all of that, regardless of birth sex. "TME" shuts that down in favor of only letting MTF's speak. Which is still very bio-essentialist, and I can't help but feel like we've gone full circle.

Once upon a time you couldn't even get married if your partner had the same genitals as you. in the US, this was less than 7 years ago. and if you care about human rights activism, you know damn well that legal modification is not the end all be all. people who are genuinely homosexual are still oppressed, but the trans movement has started stepping on them to make ground we don't deserve. homosexuals are ok and valid. it's not a genital preference, and the prescence of trans people doesn't make conversion therapy sentiments ok, ever.

we've gone full circle, and it's not right.

[heron-iles]

Well I’ve been wanting to write this for a long time. This is going to be a long post so I’ll put a “read more”, but for those who are interested, I want to talk about male characters with dresses and how some people turn that into a fetish instead of normalizing it.

Well first of all, we need to talk about yaoi.

We all know what yaoi is, and if you don’t god I wish I were you. Yaoi acordiding to wikipedia is “a genre of fictional media originating in Japan that features homoerotic relationships between male characters. Though it is typically created by women for women and is distinct from homoerotic media marketed to gay men, it attracts a male audience and can be produced by male creators.” I think the definition is problematic enough to know that yaoi isn’t a genre that features and normalize mlm relationships, and it’s more of a genre for women who look for something they think it’s “morbid”.

Well after explaining what yaoi is and how their fans (fujoshis) are, one of the biggest damages to society that yaoi has done is the “uke/seme” or “top/ bottom” dynamic. Yes we all have done “top/bottom” jokes in the past, but we need to be aware of the connotations. This “uke/seme” thing, basically makes a gay relationship into a straight relationship. Let me explain myself, basically we all know that wlw and mlm relationships are different from straight relationships, but what yaoi fans do is, turn those mlm relationships into basically a straight relationship, putting one of the guys into the “woman” role. This is actually wrong in a lot of ways, from the fact that it stablish a dynamic of “strong man” to “soft uwu boy” to the fact that it’s even  mysoginistic. There isn’t a man and a woman in a mlm relationship. There isn’t a man and a woman in a wlw relationship. Please stop trying to reduce every single lgbt+ couple into a man and a woman.

Now that I’ve explained what yaoi is and the problem of the uke/seme relationship, let’s talk about the issue why I’m writing this: dresses.

We all know that, there is still people out there that think that only women can wear dresses. Yeah, probably most of us know that this isn’t true and EVERYBODY can wear a dress if they want, because a piece of cloth shouldn’t be tied to your gender identity. But you know, we would be living in an ideal world if we all tought that. Out there, there are a lot of wrong ways of representing men in dresses, from genderbenders that are transphobic to  putting that male character into a dress but treating him like a “soft uwu I’m baby please senpai not treat me bad” way. Yes, they are men in dresses but, why do you need to give them a completely different personality? Why do you need to draw them in a more feminine way in comparison to others? I mean, art styles are different, maybe your art style is feminine, but when you draw your men with dresses in a different way to your men with pants, maybe, just maybe, you are fetishizing them.

Wait I mean is, yes men can obviously act feminine or have feminine features but what I’m talking is about the intention of drawing them like that. The intention of completely changing the way you treat a character once he has a dress, the intention of changing their personality, the intention of making a joke out of it.

I don’t want to directly name animes or media where you can see men being fetishized because I don’t want to cause any kind of drama directly with any fandom but instead, I will talk about a character that represents in a good way the concept of “dresses are not assigned to gender”.

Here you have Shirayuki Fuuma, he is an idol from the idol unit Dolce (from honeyworks). I only read the manga once and there are better people in the fandom to talk about him, but he is a boy who wears dresses for his idol persona. He isn’t forced, it’s his own decision (talking specially about this because most of the bad ways or representing men in dresses have somethin to do with being forced) and most important, it’s treated with respect. With respect, I’m not only refering to in universe, I’m also talking outside of the canon. Fuuma wasn’t created with the intention of being a joke. Fuuma wasn’t created as a way to attract fujoshis, Fuuma wasn’t created as an “uwu soft boy in a dress”. Fuuma was created just like any other character. 

I haven’t found good full body pictures of Fuuma without his idol clothes, but here you have a comparison just to show how you can draw a man with a dress without changing anything more than the clothes. (also, one thing I forgot to say, Fuuma also wears dresses outside of concerts).

As you can see, everything is the same, the only difference is the clothes!! But the character is treated with respect!!

There are a lot of characters like him, but some of them are a bit problematic. With problematic I’m not talking about the character, I’m actually talking about the miscommunication between the creator and the fandom. Sometimes creators are lazy, or it isn’t clear if they are trying to be inclusive, or it is a joke. This is when fandom wars happen, because some people headcanon the character as something but other people don’t.

Have you heard about transcoding? Is basically gaycoding but with trans people. Characters who in media are presented as cis, or even say that they are cis but, you can see that there is a subtext there, a subtext that makes you think that they are trans and maybe the creators were not able to make that canon (or they were dumb and wanted to make a cis character, but they didn’t realize the subtext they were creating). This starts a lot of wars in fandoms, the headcanon that someone has against the "canon”. I’m only bringing this up to say two things.

1- Please people have headcanons, shut up if you don’t like it, you don’t need to make a post saying “X IS NOT TRANS BECAUSE LOOK AT THIS SCREENSHOT”

2- Headcanons are valid!!! But never forget that clothes doesn’t have gender, so don’t assume that just because a guy wears a dress or a girl wears boyish clothes they are trans (but I repeat, headcanons are valid!! What I’m trying to say here is that you don’t need these cases of people wearing the clothes of their opposite gender to say they are trans, literally every character can be headcanonned as trans!)

At first, I wasn’t going to talk about this, but I remember the constant wars with characters like Chihiro from Danganronpa or Forrest from Fire Emblem Fates and I thought it was important to talk about this. Headcanons are always valid until they are offensive towards others, so stop creating wars around headcanons.

I can’t actually think about anything more to talk about so long story short, men can wear dresses, dont’ fetishize men wearing dresses, with men I mean ALL men (I’m looking directly at you terfs) and fuck everyone if you like a headcanon it’s your headcanon don’t let people invalidate it.

[lilybaud]

So I'm curious what oppression do asexual people face? I do understand there are some minor discrimination similar to homosexuality like being told it's a phase, but there have 0 laws against i, very few if any deaths because of it, few forced marriages. Maybe there have been cases of corrective rape?

sorry i took a few days to answer this -- i wanted time to give you a thoughtful response! this is kinda a version of an ask i answered last month, but i hope it helps answer your question!

here are some good posts that explain better than me:

https://livebloggingmydescentintomadness.tumblr.com/post/148453657895/the-aphobia-masterpost (This one goes into ace history, as well as many other topics – big recommend)

https://newt–x.tumblr.com/post/183606679191/a-spec-people-dont-experience-oppression (includes more comments/edits on the above)

So how are aces oppressed?

Let’s start with medical discrimmination: asexuality is classified as a mental disorder that you can get diagnosed with.  Although the DSM-5 says that asexuality is a valid identity, it still lists hypoactive sexual disorder as – well, a disorder.  This is basically defined as when someone is disinterested in sexual activity, and this disinterest causes them distress.  This is the same boat that homosexuality was in until a few decades ago – and obviously, aphobia (and homophobia) are very likely to make people feel “distressed” about their sexual identity (I know that I do!)  Imagine going to a psychiatrist and having them tell you that your orientation is a disorder that needs to be fixed: not great.

Even when ace people are not being explicitly diagnosed with Being an Asexual Disease, asexuals can often get into hostile medical situations, particularly in mental health settings.  I have had several appointments with psychiatrists, counselors, and the like that were meant to be about unrelated topics, but when it came out that I was ace, the conversation turned to why this was a sign of isolation/pathology/other fuckedupedness.  Other aces might be able to better speak about their experiences in this area, as I often avoid bringing up the topic in medical settings for this reason.

the discrimmination you’re talking about

Asexual people, particularly (but not only) female-identifying aces, have also long (long!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) been targets of corrective rape and sexual assault. Here’s a good (altho far from exhaustive) HuffPost article on the subject.  Corrective rape is a huge issue.  This is a very prevalent fear for a lot of ace people, who also face other types of violence.  A really horrible and tragic example is the murder of ace teen Bianca Devins last year by a man that she refused to sleep with (I won’t post links because they’re pretty upsetting) -- a death that aphobes online are still making terrifying comments about.

So yes! Ace ppl do actually face violence and death!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here’s a post that talks about why it’s hard to be an ace PoC (like me!)

Tl;dr, many people don’t know what asexuality is – it’s sometimes called an “invisible identity.”  But that doesn’t mean ace people aren’t discrimminated against as aces.

Exclusion from the LGBTQIA+ community

As I’m sure you know, many fellow people in the queer community hate ace people.  There’s a perception that ace people are being special snowflakes, that we are basically straight, that we are not oppressed enough to be part of the community, that we diminish the importance of other sexual orientations, and on and on.  This is really hard for ace people, because we seek queer spaces, spaces that are supposed to be safe for marginalized identities, are often those that are most explicitly anti-ace.  

In addition, some in the queer community used to identify as ace because they had internalized homophobia or other things, and view asexuality as a cover for those feelings based on their own experiences.

From queer tumblr bloggers I follow to comments by queer friends and acquaintances, I’ve personally had spaces that I thought were safe revealed to be aphobic.  That’s a pretty upsetting experience – I don’t talk about being ace very often, but it’s devastating to know that people you encounter in your everyday life spend so much time thinking about how much they hate people like you.

All this leads to many ace people being scared and unhappy.  In a UK government survey of LGBTQIA+ individuals, asexuals were the group least likely to be “open” about their identity (at 89% reporting that they were not open).  Cis aces were the least comfortable being queer in the UK, and had the lowest life satisfaction scores, out of all cis responders (the survey did not break down the responses of trans responders into allo/ace).

(Side note – many ace people emphasize other parts of their identities in order to participate in queer spaces.  For example, if pressed in a pride group or seminar or friendly gathering or etc., I might just say I’m bi.  This sucks too!  All parts of your identity are legitimate and that should go without saying?)

Personally, there are few environments where I am comfortable with people knowing that I am ace.  I don’t wear obvious pride gear, and I don’t call myself ace when I’m in LGBT+ groups.  I’ve never come out to a romantic or sexual partner as ace.  My sexual experiences have been highly traumatizing in part because of my identity.  Only a few of my closest friends know that I’m ace.  The negative perceptions of ace people, particularly those in the queer community, are main causes of this.

Why do we need to be oppressed to be let in?

One of exclusionists’ favorite sticking points is that aces aren’t oppressed enough to be part of the queer community.  We do face discrimination in major ways – see above.  But this raises a question: why do we have to be oppressed to be welcomed into LGBTQIA+ spaces?  What qualifies as oppression?  Is societal oppression “enough,” or does every ace person have to be personally subjected to a hate crime?  I’m not sure if this line of thought comes from a genuine belief that society has to personally take a shit in your bed every day for you to even think about feeling comfortable in queer spaces, or if it is just cover for an instinctive dislike of ace people.  Regardless, it’s something to think about.  To quote the first masterpost linked at top:

“Nobody is trying to say that asexuals have it “as bad” or worse than gay or trans people, but we don’t HAVE to “have it worse” to be included and for our experiences to have merit without being compared to anyone else’s. Let me say that again: our experiences have merit without being compared to anyone else’s. “

Anyway thanks for your question!  I don’t know if this helps or changes your mind on the topic.  Please reach out if you have any other questions about my experiences as an ace person!

[stargir1z]

a message for cishet people this upcoming pride month

this is from my sc story but i wanted to post on here too in case someone has an ignorant straight bih who needs to be served a hot plate of education. it’s all under the cut !

- being an ally isn’t just NOT being a homophobe. don’t call yourself an ally unless you’re actively supporting the lgbtq community. that means appreciating and supporting gay media that is often marginalized, not saying offensive shit even if everyone else says it, and calling people out when they’re homophobic/transphobic, even if they’re your friend. be constantly educating yourself and be critical about how the world around you characterizes gay people, even if it makes you seem argumentative. if you’re not gonna do anything, don’t say you support the community. and even if you do these ally things, don’t expect some sort of gold star or reward. this is somehting you should be expected, as a cishet person, to do, and while it is your choice whether to do it or not, this should be completely out of care for other human beings rather than some sort of self validation from being the straight savior.

- if you are straight, and you like a character or person just because they are gay rather than their actual personality/life/appearance/impact, then you are. part of the problem. you are fetishizing gay people, no excuses. same goes for straight fangirls who ship dudes together just because they’re ‘my sinful little gay bbyz uwu’. that is NOT appreciation of gay people, that is the objectification and sexualization of gay relationships. i encourage you to support gay ships, but only if there is legitimate chemistry in them. (this is why anime like yaoi is problematic but o well). as well, if you’re a straight boy, the opposite is true for you: if you love lesbians but only if they’re conventionally attractive, or watch lesbian porn, or get turned on by girls kissing each other at parties, but otherwise don’t support the lgbt community or hate gay men/make gay jokes, Stop It or square the fuck up. you are sexualizing wlw, and as a wlw, i am disgusted by you.

- be aware that many companies will capitalize on pride month. please DO NOT support them or congratulate them for making something rainbow as a Token Gay Item. an example of this is the rainbow mickey mouse ears Disney made last year. i love Disney, but they have literally done nothing for the lgbt community besides that one good luck charlie episode with the gay moms, so they have no right to call themselves an ally. instead of buying these kinds of products, support actual gay/trans/etc designers, artists, musicians, and creators! if you need suggestions for these, i would be happy to rant about lgbt people i love. same goes for gay media like movies, books, and tv shows that actually realistically portray gay people. (psst watch love simon)

- this is blatantly obvious but ive seen it so many times that i still feel the need to mention it: having double standards for gay pda is! not good! it supports the notion that gay people are somehow more dirty or inappropriate than straight people, and this reinforces the heteronormative rhetoric that society has pushed on us. if you don’t mind when a cishet couple kisses or holds hands or flirts in public but then cringe when two girls or two guys do it, you are an ass and need to address that internalized homophobia. as well, please don’t say that a work of art like a movie, book, song, or tv show is ‘too gay’ or that ‘there doesn’t have to be gay people in everything’! that’s like me saying ‘why is there straight people in everything’.... do you see the problem now? supporting and normalizing gay and transgender people in media is one of the key ways to eradicate oppression of people with sexualities and genders other than cishet. it also helps people with these sexualities and genders feel normal and good about their identity! i would never have been okay with my bisexuality without the exposure to gay media, and that’s true as well for pretty much every gay person ive ever spoken to.

- nonbinary people are a thing! gender is not sex, gender is a social construct, gender is a spectrum. your enitals should not define who you are, and the misunderstanding of both trans and nonbinary people is a result of the societal norms pushed on penises and vaginas. also, 72 gender jokes are not funny and also make absolutely no fucking sense. go fuck yourself in the conservative ass. what does it have to do with you if someone doesn’t want to define themselves as a boy or a girl? if you need help understanding this, just ask me. although it honestly shouldn’t be that hard to understand that you shouldn’t be bossing around other people’s gender identities. imagine me coming up to you and declaring that you are the opposite gender/nonbinary... that’s how non-cis people feel every day, bitch.

- there are lots of jokes gay people make that you just wont be able to understand! respect that and accept that you just aren’t meant for them. jokes about straight/cis people are perfectly okay when within a gay community, because while gay/trans people are oppressed and have been for centuries, CISHET PEOPLE ARE NOT. AND ARE THE OPPRESSOR. accept that you have internalized homophobia and transphobia, because everyone does. be aware of how this influences you and why it makes you so pissed when a gay person says ‘straight people suck’. they’re not referring to you. theyre referring to how, historically, straight people have been the ones to make gay people feel like shit. there is also no such thing as the gay agenda; that’s just a joke we make.

- additionally, lgbt people have culture because we have been forced into having a community due to the struggle against homophobia. the lgbtq community has a unique and beautiful history that is worth learning about. there is no straight people culture, because societal norms in themselves are straight people culture. society is so heteronormative and dominated by straight attitudes that there was simply never a space for a phenomenon like ‘straight culture’ to develop, and no need for it either. you have never been oppressed for your sexuality! be happy about that! don’t whine about me saying your sexuality has got no culture. also, gay people will make jokes about straight people culture as a way to mock cishets who claim it exists. ACCEPT THAT. RECOGNIZE YOUR PRIVILEGE.

extra notes about bi people because im tired of questions about my sexuality:

BI PEOPLE ARE USUALLY NOT FIFTY FIFTY BOYS GIRLS. SOME PEOPLE FLUCTUATE BETWEENWHIHC ONE THEY LIKE MORE. SOME PEOPLE JUST ALWAYS LIKE ONE OR THE OTHER MORE. WHEN A BI PERSON LIKES/IS IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER, THEY ARE STILL BI. IF A BI PERSON LIKES/IS IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE OF THE SAME GENDER, THEY ARE STILL BI. SOME BI PEOPLE LIKE GENDERS UNDER THE NONBINARY UMBRELLA TERM. SOME DO NOT. BI PEOPLE AND PAN PEOPLE ARE ALSO ESSENTIALLY THE SAME THING, BUT IT DEPENDS ON WHICH TERM THE PERSON IS COMFORTABLE WITH. BI PEOPLE ARE ALSO NOT INHERENTLY SEXUAL, AND NEITHER DO THEY EXIST TO PLEASE YOUR SEXUAL FANTASIES. BI PEOPLE ARE REAL AND WE DONT HAVE TO ‘CHOOSE A SIDE’, AND IF SOMEONE IDS AS BI BUT THEN DECIDES TO BE GAY OR STRAIGHT OR ACE, IT DOESNT MEAN THEY WERE FAKING IT. SEXUALITY IS COMPLEX AND IN SOME PEOPLE, FLUID. 

thank you for reading this and i hope you have learned something

[winterywitch]

ace discourse survey results:

okay, so unfortunately i can only see 100 of the 176 [as of writing up this post] respondents as a non-paying member of surveymonkey - my apologies for not noticing/unpublishing it sooner, hopefully these results are comprehensive @_@ looking at them, i feel like for the most part they are

so aight here we go, i’m posting the results for each question - the data for the 100 respondents i can see, including the answers i agree with personally

1.) Who are the two opposing sides in ace discourse, if there are sides at all?

my hot take: Ace exclusionists vs ace inclusionists

2.) Is the ace discourse a recycled form of bi discourse?

my hot take: Yes, the bi community was excluded and in many ways still is for many of the same reason aces are now. [in hindsight i wanted to add a slightly more neutral answer for this one though]

3.) How do you feel about the comparison of TERFs to exclusionists?

my hot take:  There are a lot of noteworthy similarities, but it's important to acknowledge the differences in scope, power, ideology, etc. between these two groups instead of insist they are identical.

I think it's a fair comparison, but only in the hands of trans women. If you're not a trans woman, you have no place to be making this comparison.

4.) Do you check someone's about or links before calling them a cishet?

my hot take:  Yes, someone who is not cishet should not be called a cishet, ever. It's invalidating and it's just wrong.

Yes, people are constantly mislabeled and misgendered in the discourse on ALL sides and I don't want to contribute to that.

Calling people cishets isn't a thing I feel moved to do, usually. I don't think it matters, if you're making a shitty argument then you're making a shitty argument.

[the last other response is kind of funny to me FSR like welp at least youre honest!]

5.) Where do you think aroaces lie on the scale of oppressed vs not oppressed?

my hot take: Aroaces are oppressed, but their oppression functions differently than the oppression of gay men and women, multiple-gender-attracted people and trans people.

Aroaces are not oppressed, but they're not exactly favored and praised by society either. They're sort of neither privileged nor oppressed. [at least not oppressed in the exact same sense otherwise LGBT ppl are]

Unsure

6.) Let's say someone you know is a butch woman who is attracted exclusively to other women, but she has no real interest in sex and doesn't experience sexual attraction to other people, though she's got no problem having sex if it means pleasing her partners. What would you call someone like this?

my hot take:  Of course, she is whatever she identifies as, but my impression of her before being told what her preferred labels are is:... (pick another answer from the identity labels above)

An ace lesbian

(and/or) A stone butch lesbian

[note about the 2nd response: yes, absolutely, but the point of this question is how people identify these traits - this person could identify as literally any and all of the terms listed here if she chose to, you would not be forcing any of these labels on her.  maybe a better way to word this question would have been “lets say YOU are [etc etc], bc the point isnt how well you force labels on strangers. i am against forcing labels on people.]

[note about the 3rd response: the woman in question is a lesbian, shes a woman attracted exclusively to other women. but i had no idea that bi/pan women had their own terms like that, thank you!]

[note about the 4th response: errrr, this is about two adults having consensual sex, the hypothetical lesbian is not being taken advantage of, and she would not be at fault if she WAS. people are not in the wrong for consenting to sex, if they happen to be asexual. what is wrong is taking advantage of people. sorry i dont mean to argue with any of the responses but this one, as a survivor of coercive sexual abuse, and someone who used to wholly consent to sex when i IDed as ace rubbed me ALL kinds of wrong ways.]

7.) Let's say someone you know is a cis man exclusively attracted to women sexually, but has no real interest in romance and doesn't experience romantic attraction to other people. What do you call someone like this?

my hot take: He can call himself whatever he wants, but it would bother me if he referred to himself as anything but...: (pick another answer from the identity labels above)

A cishet aro man

8.) A man calls himself bisexual because he is attracted to women and nonbinary people. How do you feel about this?

my hot take: I'm happy! He's respecting NB peoples' genders, which is something that's unfortunately rare. Good on him for not lumping in NB people with binary women. BUT: I hope he understands he doesn't experience the homophobic aspect of biphobia, he does not experience oppression on the axis of being same-gender attracted.

[note about the other responses: there are a lot of concerns expressed about fetishization wrt saying you are “attracted to” nonbinary people - what i meant to imply with that is that he does not exclude them from his dating pool, and that he does not lump them in with binary women. he is not a nonbinary chaser, and he is not identifying people as NB just by looking at them, he is taking them into account as they come into his life. so the comments about fetishizing dont really apply in this situation - that’s on me, sorry for not wording the question better!]

9.) How do you personally identify in terms of gender and sexuality? (Don't be afraid to use the "other" option if you don't see yourself represented here)

my hot take/identity: Bi

Nonbinary

Woman

Don’t call me SGA

10.) Do you feel there have been any real, tangible benefits from the discourse? If yes, choose the answer that best fits how you feel, or type something in the "other" box. If no, choose the answer that best fits how you feel.

my hot take: No, it's all seemed seriously pointless.

No, it's ruined a lot of my friendships and mutual follows I liked a lot.

No, it's made my time spent on Tumblr extremely tense, uncomfortable and anxiety-inducing. I wish it would just end already.

No, it's caused a rift in the LGBT community on Tumblr that I fear will never be repaired. I preferred when we were all unified, and we weren't arguing over who is and is not LGBT "enough." [note: we were never unified, but there was definitely a period on tumblr when FAR FEWER people were arguing about LGBT identities with each other within the community]

No, and I wish it never started at all. However, I've found like-minded peers who make it a bit more bearable.

No, it triggers a lot of bad feelings in me and leads me to argue much more than I normally would. It's almost impulsive, I can hardly stop, but I hate it and it hurts.

Yes, it's shown me that Tumblr is a hellhole beyond hope, and it's given me the strength to move partly/completely to Twitter/Discord/Mastodon/Etc.

Yes, I've learned who and what to avoid for the sake of my own mental health.

I'm a little conflicted on this one. Yes and no, I think. [Ideally pick another answer or two from the above that you agree with to explain exactly how "yes and no"]

so hm thats that i guess!! feel free to reblog this with your Hot Takes and whatnot but i am REALLY gonna request that no like, actual arguing/discourse/aggressive shittiness takes place on this post, this is a zone for people being nuanced and decent with each other and their Discourse.avi, not for your sick owns about the pure aceys or the oppressive allos or whatever

[ononaono-blog1]

Tekstualni rezultati ankete

U ovom postu se nalaze rezultati moje ankete. Kao što se može iz njih zaključiti, korisnici su primarno vođeni osobnim znanjem (dobivenog iz srednje škole ili nekog drugog izvora), osobnim iskustvom (posebice naglašeno za transrodne osobe) ili osobnog mišljenja (to vrijedi i za korisnike koji su stavili da su rod i spol jednaki).

Od 160 ispitanika, njih 120 je dalo tekstualne odgovore na neobavezno pitanje, što nije loši broj. Neki ispitanici su također napisali i veće paragrafe, što je pohvalno, a jedan ispitanik je čak stavio link u kojem se spol i rod i njihove razlike objašnjavaju.

U svakom slučaju, nastavak je dolje!

Because sex is assigned at birth, while gender is a social construct.

Sex is biological, gender is a social construct!

Sex are what genitals you have, while gender is how you Express yourself

I'm thinking of gender as identity and sex as medical term.

Sex is biological, gender is cultural.

Gender isn't defined by genitals

Gender can differ from sex. Gender is social where sex is physical

I'm not sure why, always thought the two words in this context where interchangeable.

I don't

Gender is your brain, sex is things like genitals and chromosomes

Sex refers to biological sex while gender is a social construct in which certain traits are attributed to a certain gender.

However you define sex, the way people experience their gender will differ in some cases

Sex is biological, while gender is determined by how you feel about yourself.

sex consists of biological traits, while gender is a broader spectrum

Sex is whether your a male or female. Gender is who you like to fuck

sex = assigned at birth gender = what u id as

There are only 2 biological sexes therefore 2 genders

Experience tells me that they are different!

Gender is between the ears and sex is between the legs.

They can be expressed differently

It's always been, it's only recently that snowflakes try to bend it.

Sex is biologically based and gender is a social construct.

Took a class on it in high school

Because my lived experience as a trans woman shows me how different they are.

They don't differ independently from each other, since most peoples gender actually do corresponds with their sex. So that would be an absurd statement. If they don't correspond there's sadly just something wrong: gender dysphoria, which is a mental disorder

Sex it's something assigned at birth based on some biological traits, while gender it's fluid and cannot be assigned by others since it entirely depends upon the self determination of some"ne, upon  the say someone "feels"

"Biology and science“

Because I (and, I believe,the majority of other people) will have the same answer if asked what their sex was AND what their gender was.

"gender is a social construct boiiiii. sex is biological"

Experience

Sex is genitals you currently have (changed thru surgery), gender can be literally anything (changed if you feel like changing it)

I believe you can identify as whichever gender you please. But for me, gender relates to the sex you were born as.

People can change their gender

Sex: biological, gender: neurological

on a physical / genetic spectrum {xy;xyy;xx;...} and the other is a socially construct spectrum {cis/het/bi/a/.....}

I am transgender and know other transgender people. I believe my and their experiences to be valid, which requires me to believe that sex can be different from gender.

Sec is biological - gender is mental

Gender is a social structure imposed by society.

Sex is biological. Gender is mental

Because sex is what parts you are born with, gender is what you feel like you are

Because it’s a scientific fact.

bio sex and gender are different because people can have valid gender identities different from their biological sex.

Both are biologically based

Sex refers to your sex organs so female or male while gender is more of a personal identity.

Biology

Because it’s a different word

I'm transgender

Sex is biological but gender is social.

you're male or female, otherwise is a mental thing

Gender is more of a mental state

Sex is physical, gender is emotional

Sex is biology, gender is a social construct and culturally guided rules placed upon people based on their seks

They have different definitions

Biology

Gender is what you feel like and act like. Sex is biology.

I've heard many unfamiliar things about gender so I'm just gonna assume it's not the same as sex even though I can't even imagine any of the descriptions people give, regardless of the excessive imagery they put into it

I like girls, but I also am a girl.

Sex is physical whole gender is a mental choice.

Idk the difference

Because sex to me is more sexually orientation and gender

Sex is specifically sex organs; it's sometimes important as sexual orientation usually refers to sexual organs rather than anything else easily definable. Gender can be fluid and how a person identifies can and will change throughout their life. However, sexual encounters are the one and only case where sex is important, and it is unreasonable to force people to do things a certain way because they have certain genitalia. (Medically, it can be important to know what a person's hormone balance is, and what hormone balance the person was born with, but generally "biological sex" is useless and a term used to erase transgender people.)

Yes is the better of the two options. I think there is a spectrum mostl likely that probably overlaps but on average sex is the same as gender.

Gender is a set of socially constructed roles based around the biological reality of sex. Transgender people are mentally ill in that their condition brings them stress and pain and is only treatable through social acceptance and physical injections and mutilations to align their appearance with their preferred gender. You can choose your gender in that, as gender is by definition a performance, you can perform as the opposite gender (even if you do not internally identify with that gender).

They’re both different constructs with different understandings.

Sex is physical, gender is mental

Sex is biological and gender isn’t.

I don't literally think they're the same, but the distinction is meaningless and people usually only care about seks

Sex is biological; what you’re assigned at birth whereas gender is who you really are; in your heart & mind

Sex is biological,gender is social

sex is genitalia, gender is societies stereotypes/views on seks

It isn’t true

Biology

because brains are not always matched with bodies

Because I'm not a fucking moron

Sex biological, gender construct

Exceptions prove the rule

for what I've learned

Cause sex is what your biological body is but gender is what you want

They are both social constructions, gender is more cultural and sex is more physical/biological (https://medium.com/@ES_4P/biological-sex-as-a-social-construct-b2583c222737)

Cuz it is

Sex concerns biology, gender concerns identity and expression.

I've never known anything different but I'm honestly unsure in what I believe

It is the same word to me.

Sex is physical, gender is mental

I think your brain can mismatch your private parts

Sex is biological, gender is not

sex is purely biological; gender is a hypothetical idea not tied to fact

I believe that sex is based on having XX/XY chromosomes, while gender is how you identify and wish for other people to refer to you. Based on friend relationships

Cuz it ain’t

Gender is how you feel/identify personally, while sex is who you prefer

Because my sex isn't the same as my gender, so it's true for at least one person!

cuz it is

You cannot choose to be something you are biologically not.

Gender is how you personally identify, and sexuality describes what you’re sexually or romantically attracted to.

One is determined the other is always in flux

Sex is what you have down there and gender is what you identify as

I use sex to describe someone’s body and gender for their identity.

Why wouldn't I?

Because it's not, by definition

I honestly don’t know the difference in definition.

Some aspects of gender are culturally determined and have no basis in biology (e.g. boys wearing blue, girls wearing pink). Some traits obviously do (like reproductive organs), but there's more to the social categories than can be explained by features of the reproductive system or evolutionary development, especially since extreme cognitive flexibility is a hallmark of human behavior, as opposed to other animals.

They are similar and mostly interchangeable but sex is biological and gender is more mental and how you identify.

Cause there different words

I believe gender is more of a personal thing or at least it has become that, I dont have a strong opinion on people choosing their own gender positive or negative but i still dont think sex and Gender are the same.

Gender is in your head, sex is in your pants.

Gender dysphoria (sex ≠ gender) is a mental illness.

There is only one word for it in any language, except modern English.

Reality

Sex is the reproductive system, gender is the stuff going on in the brain.

Maybe. It depends on what you mean by "gender".

Sex is a biological classification, while gender is a cultural classification

i believe sex is the medical term, like what genital part you have, and gender is what you believe yourself to be personality or looks wise

Don’t know anything about it

Because transgender people have a gender that's doesn't match their sex so there has to be a difference in the way they're determined otherwise there wouldn't be cases of people whose gender and sex don't match

Not sure

Sex is biological, gender is how you feel

Gender is a personal experience and can change and be hard to define. Sex can almost always be physically defined

Sex is a biological term for specific aspects of the body, gender is a social construct.

you can feel a gender and not have the physical traits

Sex=Physical, born-with traits (genitals, hormones, etc), gender=“social construct” one feels most comfortable living

[noctomania]

Expression (please excuse the novel length)

I remember back in elementary school when my school district voted on whether to turn my school to uniform policy. It was a public school and i had never felt so attacked before then or felt such a strong opinion about something personally. Mind you, i was maybe...10-12 yrs old (if that). This was a time when my self expression was about to take off and bloom. Suddenly though it was halted by uniform policy. I had heard both sides of it and valid points existed on both sides but i still feel it was wrong to enact because i am an advocate for open self expression (i mean without encroaching on other's rights so like my self expression couldn't be to sit on stranger's laps without invitation for example), mostly because that is how i connect best with people. I can't easily just strike up convo with strangers (trust me i have tried). Back then, it was usually a snarky message on my shirt that would draw people in to talk ("good morning is an oxymoron" or any emily strange stuff for example) I've always relished in (and grateful for) having autonomy over my appearance, it's one of the most rewarding things to be able to almost turn yourself inside out and tell the world "see? Do you see me now?" Whereas uniforms...they felt like a prison, like the erasure of my individuality. It also made everyone else seem so 2-D. Schools sometimes had trouble with students showing up in tshirts advertising alcohol or with inappropriate language on them, which is where I think the uniform idea came through most strongly. The economic hardship was left to the families though. Luckily i was allowed to wear pants and not forced into a skirt. I highly doubt guys would have been allowed to wear skirts though, but i never experienced any situations of that at my particular school. I wasn't social enough though to be sure it never happened. Something similar did occur in my high school years later though but instead of a skirt it was my friend and he would wear makeup but was repeatedly sent to detention for it because it was "distracting" I remember also in high school when i was going to be getting my senior picture which I didn't want in the first place. The senior photos were binary traditional and you had to wear this funny neck garment according to your, or what they assumed to be your, gender. This was all before i knew trans and i just knew i preferred the tux one to the one that looked like a dress. The photographer refused unless i got permission from the journalism teacher and I think the only reason she allowed me was because i was a "good quiet" student. But she was sure to let me know she felt it was highly inappropriate. I remember when i got a free leatherman jacket from being in my high school book club (i am The Coolest™) and we got to choose what name we wanted embroidered on the back. I'm proud to say i have my current name, andy, on it because even though the book club leader/librarian did try to push back on my request and tried to sway me into putting my birth name on it, i was insistent. I still have it and still wear it and otherwise i may not have even taken it. (It was free so turning it down wouldn't have been a big deal to me though I woulda been bummed to not get one even though they kinda forced me to take one anyway? It's complicated and thats all besides the point) See I'm someone who craves expression. I bottle up enough shit. Some things i wanna wear on my sleeves. Or my face. Or my hair. My gender expression has been pretty strong since day one. Not to say I wouldn't or have never gone more feminine in my appearance, it's just to say that i have not been the type to adopt an appearance based on what someone else says i am or should be. I don't feel the need to be absolutely masculine 100% i dont fear that which is feminine or androgynous. And i still remain critical of the unnecessary binary that is forced in societies. The products "for men💪/for women🌼" the bullshit of women just cannot be as strong as men the bullshit that women are inherently emotional moreso then men the absurd concept that to be a woman means to have a pussy and tits and to be a man you needa have a package (because clearly you just lose your identity when you get breast or ovarian or testicular cancer). "SO DUH ABOLISH GENDER SO MEN AND WOMEN CAN BE TREATED THE SAME" To turn a blind eye to the differences and intricacies along the gender SPECTRUM (or any innate identity spectrum) is to pretend we don't all have our own distinctive experiences and issues and is in fact a rejection of them. My gender is expressed how i see fit. Perhaps it is quite masculine and yes i did in fact get some surgery but no surgery is going to turn me cis, no hormones will remove all the experience i had as a AFAB for 20yrs no surgery is going to change my interests. I didn't seek hrt or surgery because of anyone else or to spite anyone or to attack anything, i did it to achieve a sense of Self I had never experienced before due to the limitations of my physical expression. I did it because i know how my mind perceives my body and it's never fit right until now. Like ive been a mismatched set of Tupperware that's finally been organized properly. My lid fits, i am a complete set on my own now, as opposed to trying to fit the mold of other's lids. I didn't change to be someone else, i changed my appearance to match who I Am. FORCED gender roles/expression is detrimental, not because of the gender, but because it's forced; because it's someone exerting (or trying to) inappropriate control where they have no right. Are cisfem who choose to take on the ultimate 50s nuclear family housewife life/look any less valid than a cisfem who refuses to fit any gendered life/looks? Or should both be seen as equal and valid in their accession of and right to their autonomy to identify themselves and express themselves how they see fit without any external criticism/dictation as to what is "right" or "appropriate" based on antiquated and/or irrational factors/ideologies? The point of identity is nobody can tell you what​/who you are. Perhaps they could guess, but that doesn't mean they are right or that they have authority over your identities. it's not a problem that gender exists. It's a problem that is has been monopolized and mutated and mythologized by people (yes of all varieties bc ideologies know no bounds) trying to dictate other's lives. It's a problem that it has been used as a tool to oppress rather than express. I've met just as many misogynistic women as i have men or even trans and non-binary folk. Everyone has the ability to be oppressive of someone else. When you have been oppressed, or fear being oppressed, you might take on an oppressive role yourself as a form of offense before you ever have to face bein on the defense, if you aren't critical of or moderate yourself. Though the effort may come from a place of self-preservation, it can still cause unnecessary harm and even be counterproductive, if not hypocritical. If we approach the problem for what it is (insertion of opinion where it is unwarranted and unnecessary) instead of attacking it's symptoms (gender expression), we will get to the real resolution with less inner-community squabbling. Don't pretend like you can tell someone who they are. You can argue your point without doing this. Don't pretend you are the ultimate source of knowledge for what you are fighting for. If it were all up to you there wouldn't be a movement, just you. Terfs and radfems may believe i should not have transitioned. Perhaps they feel I could have easily just continued to be a "tomboy", as i was frequently referred to as, and just bind my chest for the rest of my life and never feel a real connection with my Self. I would have remained in a state of self loathing and not only forever feeling less than i was meant to be (not because of my female form but because I wasn't able to be my Self) but forever having to face people identifying me incorrectly and always feeling that disconnect in communication when someone rejects or denies your identity. While being trans does still make me (only slightly due to passing standards and me being white) a target for hate crimes, before resolving my identity i was more likely to take my own life on top of still being a target for harassment due to being untraditional in my expression. Me being me, I've never had an issue with bein an untraditional person (very little about me is traditional), but when you have an inner war going on and you know you can do something good about it, I would never sway someone away from resolving that. Honestly i felt more a distance from feminism before transitioning because i never felt right if i tried to "proudly proclaim" bein a woman/womyn. i felt like a fraud which ultimately made me question if i was a feminist at all. Like I didn't not like women, and i was/am a proud feminist, i just didn't feel as if i was a woman and felt more like i was lying when the words came out which did to an extent feel like a form of betrayal to women and it wasn't til much later i understood it wasn't. I tried various forms of gender expression as a female but even in the best case scenarios it didn't sit right. Not knowing who you are foundationally makes it hard to know how you feel about others or how to accept others. Empathy and compassion require a certain level of knowing yourself so you can identify with another on our human level. If you're at fault with yourself it can be hard enough to love yourself much less anyone else. I feel trans-exclusionary feminists are stuck in that same stage i was stuck in when i was resolving my gender identity. But removing the issue from the context of gender kind of helps. Its not the identity itself that i hate, it's being forced into an identity i am not, never have been, and never will be. Imagine being forced to be a different person. How people identify you is all wrong and any time you try to assert your identity it is rejected. It's not an identity you can change (like a religion or a political leaning that may or may not change), but it's something not readily apparent, or is obstructed by the predisposition people may have about you based on what they see you as. You can call a bear a silly man who needs a shave and wears a fur coat but that's not going to change the fact that the bear is a bear, not going to change the bear's needs or instincts (reference from The Bear That Wasn't) I guess my point overall is: distinctive identity titles are born out of necessity, because thise identities exist. Identities also present the opportunity for us to recognize one another's differences and to learn how we connect and where we lack understanding of one another. Identities allow us short hand how to express ourselves verbally, yanno when interpretive dance is out of the question or inapplicable. Expression of identity is integral to feeling a sense of Self, to be able to trust yourself, and to be able to trust others. Identity should never be erased whether it be gender, sexual orientation, race, ability etc. Before I understood my gender identity i was compensating my lack of masculine appearance with overly-masculine attitude instead, which inevitably lent itself to toxic masculinity. I would catch myself acting that way sometimes and earnestly didn't know what was wrong with me. Now i know i was insecure. Now, I'm much more neutral and comfortable in my attitude since I'm not feeling the need to compensate for my appearance with my attitude. My transition was good for me and those around me. It allowed me to be a little less concerned with my issues and more concerned with the issues of a wider community. So I know this is long and I'm sorry. I don't expect anyone to have read this and i doubt that anyone who disagrees with me read it thoroughly (3 times top to bottom) as they should (to avoid making themselves look impulsive and irrational or cherry picking) before asserting their opinion, but here it is now and it's not goin anywhere. Thank god it's my weekend coming up... (Please if you respond do so respectfully. If you only wish to spit at me, do so in a direct message and leave the notes on this open for respectful conversation/debate, thank you kindly!)

[transrph]

                               Writing a Trans Character                         As Experienced by a Trans Man

With more resources coming out for trans faceclaims, I wanted to make sure that there were also more guides on how to write a trans character. So I’m going to be sharing my personal experience with gender as a (very extensive and detailed) toolset for those that haven’t/aren’t questioning their identity. Please keep in mind that this is entirely based off of my personal experience and growth, and that every trans person has their own journey with their own experiences. None are invalid and all are equally as important. This also wound up turning into more of a gender study as well, so feel free to share and message about your thoughts. I’d love to have gender discussions!

 Part One                Part Two The Early Signs   |  Mislabeling

Before coming to terms, or truly understanding gender as a non-binary and fluid concept, I was constantly flipping back and forth between sexuality labels. More specifically, there was a desperate need to explain something that I felt was perfectly normal.

An attraction to girls, in my head, was never questioned when I was a child. I didn’t start to think it was wrong until I was around ten, but even then it was confusing. So when writing a transgender character keep in mind that most children have a better concept of themselves before society forces standards of normality on to them. Most kids know what they like, and they don’t question it; AFAB (assigned female at birth) children may like stereotypically masculine things, and AMAB (assigned male at birth) may enjoy more feminine things. Keep in mind that these are not for sure signs that someone is transgender, however they could be, what’s important to take notice is the dialogue behind the actions.

As an example, I grew up very flat chested and when my sister explained to me that I was going to get breasts, I had an absolute meltdown. I am aware that there are some cis females that this happened to as a child, however my exact words were ‘but I’m not supposed to have those’. Despite a clear understanding of sex and me being classified as female, it never clicked that that meant I wasn’t male. All it meant to me was that I was called she and her.

There are plenty of trans people saying that there were ‘signs’ and comfortability in certain clothing seems to be very common. I think what gets talked over in this, however, are those that weren’t uncomfortable in dresses, but moreso hated that it made people view them as more feminine.

This ties into your characters dysphoria, which will have its own long post, and how that manifests in them. I dont want to dwell to long for the sake of length, but for right now your focus should be on how your character experienced dysphoria before they understood what it meant. What made it spike? How did they cope? Would they throw tantrums? Things of that nature. For me, you can find it in how i never smiled in photos of me wearing a dress or what is seen as feminine clothing. And the way I would describe how I felt in those clothes.

I remember growing up and being forced into certain clothes and the only way I could describe the way I was feeling in them was ‘itchy’. What I now know is that by ‘itchy’ I meant ‘my skin is literally crawling please take this off of me right now’. However this was rarely with dresses and more with turtlenecks. Dresses bothered me because I couldn’t play tag in them as easily, and I was constantly being scolded to sit with my knees close together. I hated that, I liked to be comfortable and sprawled out. The overall point is that everyone’s experience with clothing and the ideas of what is feminine and what isn’t are different. My mother is a tomboy, and so she felt the same as I did when in dresses, not content but not distraught either. It is also why, according to her, my transition was so difficult for her to understand. Because to her, the way I was explaining things simply sounded like I was a ‘tomboy’. It’s taken months for her to understand the differences to being ‘societal boyish’ and actually a trans male.

Another thing often seen is children screaming they are a boy/girl from a young age, for me this never happened. Society accepting girls to act more boyish was always okay, and so I got to wear shorts and pants as I got older and could dress myself. So, for your character, you could decide which route you’d like to take, the route of knowing for sure at a young age, or having mostly no idea and only learning as they grew older. For me I didn’t know I was trans until I was twenty four, others didn’t until well into their adulthood, and some figure it out in their teens. This is entirely up to each individual's experience, however like I said before this is based off of mine.

There’s a specific moment I remember when I was in my very early teens when I googled ‘I wish I was a boy but I’m not transgender’. At the time it felt so silly but I was so desperate because that was all I wanted. I was miserable. I hated everything about how I looked and I remember looking at men on tv and non stop thinking how badly I wanted to look like them. It’s easy to look back now and think ‘holy crap how dumb am I’ but at the time I was so accepted as a tomboy that I just thought that was why I felt this way. Which brings me to the next point in writing a trans character: Most of the time, wishing to be a boy, is all that matters. And what I mean is that there is so much talk about ‘knowing’ you’re a boy but so little on ‘wishing’ it. And sometimes that’s all there is in someone. For me that’s all there was. I only wished, I didn’t know because I didn’t know I could be. The lack of conversation regarding transgender and gender identities hinders a lot of trans people in finding their true selves (and I say this based of the many trans youtubers I’ve watched).

It’s something I’ve actually seen very common when watching trans youtubers that came out later in their lives (mid teens to early twenties). There was a wish to be but never the knowledge that they could be. It seems confusing and obvious, but when you’re in the position and there isn’t much rhetoric surrounding being transgender, and even less representation, it makes the identity and possibilities seem all the smaller.

So I would keep all of this in mind when writing the backstory for your character, or if they are finding themselves later in life and you are in the middle of developing it, keep it in mind how confusing it is to be unsure and how limited the resources are if you’re not sure what to look for. There was no guidebook when I was growing up, and I was always with the understanding that because I didn’t know 100% that I was transgender (the thought hadn’t even crossed my mind and seemed like such an impossibility that I refused to even label myself as such when searching for help), I simply couldn’t possibly be that.

The other thing that I would like everyone to keep in mind, that I intend to touch on in another part of these guides, is how confusing sexual identities further confuses what your gender identity is. Because of my attraction to girls growing up, I labelled myself as a lesbian, however when thinking about my future there was always a male father figure/husband figure in mind. And I could never quite figure out why that was. Now I know that the male image I had in my head that wouldn’t go away was me.

In short, my belief is everyone in life knows who their true selves are, it’s only after society pushes norms on us that we have to navigate and find ourselves again. In Plato’s The Symposium there’s a quote that says “According to Greek Mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs, and a head with two faces. Fearing their power Zeus split them in two separate beings, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.” I’m sure that my own take is not at all what is intended, but I do take something away from this different than the soulmate theories. I feel that this quote shows how our souls, who we are as people, have been split in two, and when young we are whole, we are our true selves. I believe Zeus is a symbol of society, and the thunderbolt the harsh realities we are forced to face that rip us away from who we truly are. And it is our goal in life to find our other halves that we have been split apart from; navigating life so that we can feel whole once more.

Prompt Version:

How did your character experience dysphoria?

What caused their dysphoria to spike? Was it a situation or something physical or social?

How did they cope with their dysphoria? Did they cope at all?

Did they know from a young age, or was it something they learned about themselves later on in life?