#please grant me the grace of being able to post to my own blog about these experiences

[sheepskinnedgoat]

I guess it's greatly possible that I have a very... I don't know, skewed perspective about stuff like abuse and harm as a mentally ill person. People say stuff so broadly and I can't begin to describe how much seeing that stuff at my lowest points harmed me and made me worse. People are very good at framing things in ways that made me feel like they don't actually believe in people healing and doing better after making really huge mistakes. Because I made BIG ones and I regret them so fucking deeply. I am fighting with the concept of self-forgiveness because I've been taught that there's no retribution for shitty and abusive behavior.

I don't want to be so bold as to lay out what happened, but I guess I might as well. My wife is encouraging me and I've been wanting to talk about it, anyway.

Trigger warning for discussion of abuse, mental health, and suicide under cut.

Last year, when my mom started dying, I started declining very rapidly and severely. I don't think I've ever outright said this because of how I've been treated in the past for being open, but I have Bipolar I Disorder. I've seen doctors and therapists on an off over the last decade+ since my diagnosis. My struggle is a common one. I'm very typical of someone with extreme mood swings and psychosis. I most frequently experience dysphoric mania, which is where my psychosis typically rears its ugly head.

In these moments until last year, all of my shitty behavior mostly involved me expressing anger and frustration with wall hitting, throwing my things to break them, hurting myself, and degrading my wife. It was not always this way, but moving away from home and having an unforgiving job lead to me falling back off my medication. Over the last 3-4 years, I have become very terrible in my health and how I act when my brain overreacts to situations and stresses around me.

Then Mom got cancer.

I began having even more cycling, lots and lots of depression, increasing suicidal thoughts, and episodes. Bad episodes. One of the holidays I was meant to go see my mom, I had a serious meltdown because I was tired of going to see how much closer she was. It was hard seeing her dying. She was worse every time I made it out, and something minor had triggered another episode. I then locked myself in the bathroom and tried to kill myself.

My wife tried stopping me. I became physically violent and started saying really horrible things. This episode came to an end, and it seemed despite everything I had done very little physical damage to her by her own account. I do not remember much about what I actually did or said. It's like a faded dream I had once and only the outlines are left.

I had another episode I do not remember, triggered by seemingly nothing. She informed me later on I had hit her, and asked me why. I was unable to explain, because I didn't even know what she was referring to. I do now, but the overall details are gone.

Later on, not terribly long before she passed away, I tried to end things again. I recklessly drove to a graveyard on the back roads and began attempting to hurt myself. I started getting calls, my phone blowing up. I have some vague memories, but I am not sure if all of them are real. I do know I ignored my mom out of shame, but eventually answered my aunt. I think at the beginning I answered my wife and berated her before hanging up, but I'm not positive. I wanted to die more than anything else in the world. I was so angry. I don't even know why. My wife remembers how it unfolded, but ultimately none of it makes sense.

That was also the day my neighbor decided to pick a fight with me about my animals, which then snowballed in her repeatedly calling animal control, lol. Did not work out the way she wanted. She kept lying to them to get them out to see them, but they could never find the starving, tortured animals. What a fucking nightmare that was on top of everything.

My mom died, and I don't really remember how I felt or reacted or what I did during that time. It's difficult, and I think it's because I have been blocking it out as much as possible. Losing my mom was something I knew would be hard, but I deeply underestimated it.

Later on in the year, I did try killing myself again. Once again she tried stopping me, and even kicked in the door. It got more physically violent than the last time and I was more vicious and cruel.

Overall, I'm stuck with guilt and shame and self-hatred. Beyond these incidents, I lapsed repeatedly into despicable actions and behavior. I frequently feel out of control, but not everything I say to her is done in these extreme episodes where I'm trying to hurt myself. Rage is unfortunately a really major symptom for me, and it's activated by some of the dumbest shit. I feel like some things have become bad habits, and I'm constantly having to talk out things with my spouse because I cannot even imagine what it must be like to be on the receiving end of needless cruelty and vitriol.

I know what I have done is largely abusive and wrong. Things have been bad enough that I kept having long periods of not wanting help. All I have wanted is death, to not exist, to end what I'm feeling. Being angry is not fun. Being in pain sucks. Being sick is terrible. I am devastated by what I have done, but somehow my wife is holding strong and pushing me forward. Because of her, I managed to drag myself into getting therapy. I got lucky that someone in my local community is a therapist with the same disorder as me, and when she advertised openings I jumped on it, even though I didn't want to help myself.

Which is something key, that people bring up a lot online. People who don't want help are the worst, right? Irredeemable, it seems. I didn't want help. I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to die. I still want to die, but I've found a burst of driving force within myself and, as of today, I finally have an appointment with a psychiatrist to seek medication management. I cannot get any traction otherwise. Therapy has been helpful and my therapist is amazing, but there's no stability. I default to self-hate, guilt, and suicidality. I default to violence, though generally verbal excepting those instances of psychosis.

I can't grasp what I keep getting told by my wife and my therapist about being accountable but forgiving myself. It seems false. Impossible. It doesn't feel like I should, that doing that or pointing to my broken brain is appropriate. I'm always terrified what people will think of me if they know the truth of my struggles and how much I have hurt the person closest to me. My only support, because I keep distancing myself further and further from people.

In all of this, she gained friends that used me as a stop-gap for getting to know specifically her. It caused some rocky turmoil in our relationship. I blame myself for her mistakes there, because maybe if I hadn't been acting like a piece of shit, she wouldn't have felt so lonely. And they found out that things got bad, but not any of the details about it because they never asked or gave her a chance to explain when she wasn't distressed. I fear them and what they think of me. I fear them going out into shared queer spaces and telling all the queers I'm slowly trying to get to know that I'm a horrible abuser that beat my wife and controls her. Because they're not wrong. I don't feel like they're wrong, but they're also responsible parties in their own shitty behavior, but who would hear me after they find out I'm a terrible person?

It's... I suppose a bit self-centered, this paranoia. She tells me I don't deserve this, and that they don't matter. I'm trying to believe her, because if nothing else matters she does, and her opinions do. She has to live with me. She's married to me.

So I am untreated bipolar. It's a fucking nightmare. I fight with my abusive and toxic tendencies, that I fight to not participate in. But fighting back my unstable reactions to things is a chore and I become fatigued very often. I don't know why she endures for me, but she does. I love her, as much as I can. Sometimes I am numb, but she says she knows I love her and it makes me cry.

People are complicated. I have not always been very kind or empathetic. I only recently learned that having a hard time with empathy during mixed episodes is pretty normal for bipolar. It's not always. It's another thing that sees extreme differences depending on how I'm feeling, and I sure do feel too much too often.

I am healing myself as best as I can. I am working to do better and be better even while my brain persists on convincing me I don't want help; that I should just self-destruct. I am a human. I wish more people could see that part about me even when I'm not being a very good or nice person. I will be better someday, but it would be a lot easier if it ever felt like everyone else could give me the grace to fuck up while sick and still have room to take that accountability without feeling evil for my actions.

I have been a victim. I have been an abuser. Someday, I hope I can just be healed.

[donutloverxo]

A Royal Scandal 2

Modern royalty au

(Image from Pinterest)

Cowritten with @lizzygal

I'm so sorry! I made a mistake while posting this yesterday so I'm reposting it now. Hope y'all enjoy💖

Note - Since y'all liked it so much we've decided to post this fic on both ao3 and my tumblr! There will be no taglists for this however💖 You can subscribe to the ao3 story to receive updates!

Please note that my stories are not to be stolen or reposted on any other site. Reblogs are welcome. This blog and this story is 18+. Do not read, follow or interact if you are not 18+.

Summary - Modern ruler, His Majesty King Steven G Rogers, is on a quest to make his long term secret relationship the real thing. He is a man in love and wants his lover and partner to be his queen.

Warnings - Smut (m/f), dub con/non con, sex tape, scandals, mentions of past domestic abuse, soft dark Steve, possessive Steve, spanking, power imbalance, Mentions of previous domestic abuse.

Pairing - King!Steve x reader

Word count - 8k

To be fair, Steven could understand why his mother was so upset after watching the entire footage from the royal steam rooms. He had a far better understanding after having seen the footage in question. The one that had led to his mother’s reaction that very morning.

Seated beside Carol on the ride back, he slipped in his wireless earbuds and pulled up the first video he found online on his phone.

A separate car had been sent for you for whenever your meeting completed. However, he had a whole series of his own back at the palace before his day could be considered over in the administrative offices. Days were never really over for him. Should anything happen somewhere in his nation, he would be informed. As was expected for a ruler.

Until then, he had fifteen or so minutes to kill till he arrived back at the royal palace, depending on city traffic.

Which was how he found himself watching what was obviously some sort of hidden camera. As the royal banya did not have CCTV cameras. Steve found himself making a mental note to himself to ask Carol about it.

After he watched the video.

He had the feeling that this would not be going away anytime soon. Therefore, he needed to know what was on there if he was going to have to defend his actions, or even speak about it.

It was somewhat surreal watching himself walk into view wearing nothing. Not even a towel. Talking with someone who was obviously you.

Based on where the camera was located, Steve could tell it was somewhere in the hallway that led from the steam rooms into either the showers or locker room. Thank all the saints above your back was to the camera. Half of it anyway. You were standing at a turn in the hallway, leaning against the wall. Half of you hidden. A towel wrapped around your body.

Thanking those saints above still that there was no sound, Steve watched on as a voice narrated the video, some celebrity blogger dissecting the footage as if it were a pivotal moment in some sporting event.

Steve watched himself turn to face you, facing the camera too and exposing his entire self to the world.

Not that he was ashamed. He had nothing to be ashamed about. Steve was built tall and powerful like his father and mother’s father. He kept himself in shape and as for the manhood that hung heavy between his thighs, he refused to be embarrassed by that either. The blogger however did have several opinions about what she referred to as, the royal sword.

She also seemed to be very opinionated when Steve watched himself kneel down in front of you. He’d never watched himself go down on you before and found himself transfixed, easily able to ignore the blogger’s excited rambling.

For once, Steve watched your hands sink into his hair as he sank between your legs. He watched your pleasure grow and grow, he watched you sag back into the wall and reach up, grabbing at it like a cat stretching out in the hot sun.

Seeing it happen like this? Steve felt like a voyeur. He felt like he was doing something wrong. And then, he watched you climax on his face. He watched your hands tighten up against the corner of the walls meeting. He watched himself stand and no longer noticed the commentary as he sheathed himself between your legs and proceeded to pound you into the wall without mercy.

His attention caught on one little inconsequential thing. Watching one of your legs that wound over his thigh bounce wildly each time.

Quickly he exited out of the video and blog. Unwilling to watch more. Pulling a bud from his ear, he glanced over at Carol who was watching the city fly by her window.

“Have you inquired as to if the palace guard has looked into how the video was taken in the royal banya?”

Blonde hair dusted her shoulders as she looked at her king. Carol answered without a second of hesitation. “Already done Your Majesty. The camera was found this morning. A webcam of some type. It’s been sent away for fingerprints and I have the best IT professional I know looking into it, to determine if we can track down who it belongs to. The royal guard has also launched an investigation into all palace employees.”

“Thank you,” he answered her with complete sincerity.

Captain Danvers had been at his side since he assumed the throne and had proven herself hundreds of times over. She was his confidant. She was his bodyguard. She was his closest thing to a friend, if Steve could say he had such a thing. He could tell Carol anything. He had told Carol about you. Carol had told him about her sick mother and in return, Steve have given her a cottage on palace grounds while providing a nurse. So that Carol would be able to spend as much time as possible with her mother in her final days. Carol still lived on the palace grounds in that cottage down by the gardens.

“I’ll let you know when I know something,” she assured him.

***

Your return to the palace felt like it took forever. Mostly because your panties were very obviously damp from leakage and you were greatly concerned about a wet stain. The modern equivalent of a scarlet letter. Letting everyone know what you’d done.

Twice you’d checked in a bathroom along with every mirrored surface you came across.

Alas, it seemed you were in luck.

No one would know that you’d had inappropriate contact on a workday, or think you’d had an accident. Granted if someone would have noticed you planned on blaming your monthlies.

By the grace of the many women who came before you, you managed to get back to the palace without being caught and were about to go change your panties when a familiar face popped into your office.

“Hey! You’re coming! I’m not taking no for an answer!”

Wanda.

Bright red hair and a brighter red dress that was far from office appropriate appeared in your office, leaping in like an acrobat leaping onto a stage. Making you look up from where you stood behind your desk, digging through your handbag.

A bunch of different thoughts buzzed through your head.

What was Wanda talking about? Where did she want you to go? Did Wanda wear that mini-dress to work? Cause it was about five inches too short and did downright sinful things to the girls. Wanda could always pull off anything. She looked amazing in clubwear, sweats and those tea-party dresses that Jackie O was always wearing.

“Coming?” Fell from your lips in a valiant attempt to stall till you could make sense of what was happening. “What are you not taking no for an answer for this time?”

In your roommate swept like a hurricane.

“It’s practically six!” She declared, as if that was supposed to mean something to you. It had you staring at her and waiting for more information. Hands paused in their hunt for clean panties and a pantyliner in your bag’o’stuff. “No more talk of this fake boyfriend. You and me are going to go have dinner. We’re going to hit the bars to pre-game and then to the clubs! Everyone is going so you are too!”

Such news had you freezing in your patent leather pumps.

Pre-gaming? Dinner? Clubs? Everyone?

How?

It was only Thursday and then you remembered.

It was a long weekend. The winning of some great victory over the Germans from the big war that you only kinda remembered hearing about. Mostly because you’d been busy with the border issue and the education overhaul. You’d known that it was coming up and the entire four-day weekend would be spent celebrating.

Wanda saw your face. She saw what you were thinking. She was practically a mind reader. Which led her to pointing at you scoldingly. “No! No no no! No checking emails or messages. No more work. No! We’re going out tonight and we are going to have fun! You remember what fun is? Right?”

But…you really did have emails and messages to check. You actually did have a ton of work to do. Granted you always had emails and messages to check, plus work piling up. It was the nature of your job. Helping in the running of a country was a 24/7 gig.

“Wanda…”

“Nope!” She declared, marching on into your office and behind your desk to chase you out. Shooing you. Literally making you hop away and grab your handbag because you just knew Wanda wasn’t letting you back near your desk. That much was for sure.

Like a sheepdog, she herded you around your messy desk as you attempted to protest, to get her to listen, to inform her that you really really did have a good bit of work to do.

“Wait…hold on…wait, Wanda…just one second…gah!”

“No more protests! I’m not going to hear it anymore! I refuse to let you hide behind work or the fake boyfriend.”

More protests came from you. You tried. You really really did. But Wanda was shoving and pushing and hip bumping you out into a hallway that did not look like an office building, instead, it was very obviously a palace.

Your heels clicked on polished white marble that shone. Walls were cream and had priceless art hung around, gold gilded borders ran up along where the ceiling met the walls. Light fixtures were old, bronze and cut glass. Furniture that belonged in Sotheby’s was sparsely decorated around the halls.

Door were old and creaky up and down the halls, wooden with locks that required big iron keys.

It was unlike any other place you’d ever worked.

You could feel and see and even smell the smokey history oozing from the walls.

A few people were hurrying out of their offices and locking the doors behind them, which Wanda didn’t even let you do as she went on indignantly. “No! Nope! Clint from Tinder will not wait forever! He digs foreigners and he has a job and he loves to dance!”

At mention of Tinder, your gut lurched.

Dear god not this again.

Why had you ever agreed to let Wanda make you a Tinder profile? At the time it seemed so reasonable. Let her make the profile and she’d get off your ass about your alleged imaginary boyfriend. Problem solved! How on earth were you to know she’d be on the damn app making matches for you?

“Why don’t you go out with Clint from Tinder,” you wanted to know, earning yourself a roll of Wanda’s eyes as you were dragged down along the hallway to the massive marble stairs. Looking as if they’d been carved from one piece, smoothly curling down a floor to the ground floor. Large chandeliers hung with cut glass that threw light everywhere. A massive painting hung up on the large wall of a long dead large royal family in the palace of past.

“He’s not my type. But he is absolutely your type.”

Somehow you doubted that.

Sighing deeply and focusing on not snapping your ankle on the stairs and in your heels, you followed Wanda down, mixing in with the few stragglers who were leaving work and making mental notes to text Steve and let him know you’d be late coming back to the palace that night. You were then planning when you could check your work emails and work-phone messages. That had to be done in a quiet place where no one could overhear. Maybe you could go out to the club and feign a tummy ache? Then sneak away from Clint? It’d probably be much easily to sneak away from Clint than Wanda.

Click. Click. Click.

With every step you maneuvered down your heels were noisy. You’d managed to fling your sizable bag over your shoulder and just knew Steve was going to be annoyed with you. But he was an adult. Being adults meant the two of you would have to do things that you didn’t want.

“So help me, if it kills the both of us, you and I will be going out tonight and having a fun time! This is a celebratory weekend! There are festivities going on all over the city!” Wanda went on, yanking you along behind her upon reaching the bottom step and heading in the general direction of the ground floor exits.

Hurrying along behind her, you followed but you weren’t happy about it.

God did you have so much work to do and you really really wanted to spend the night with Steve. And maybe if you gave in to Wanda, she’d get off your ass about your fake boyfriend? Wait, no, your secret boyfriend, because Steve was very real, you just didn’t want to be eviscerated all over the internet and tabloids for dating a king.

You’d seen what happened when a pretty actress had dated then married a prince who didn’t rule his country. The only thing you had going for you was Steve’s country was still looked at with some serious side-eye from the world, due to past events and rulers. Plus, he wasn’t a young prince that had grown up before the eyes of the world. He was a son of a tyrant, a citizen of a sizable nation the world still viewed suspiciously with a questionable human rights record.

“You’re going to love the club! It’s totally new and they open at ten. Meaning we can have plenty of time with the girls!”

Girls?

As in plural?

Because of course this would be a group event. Wanda never half-assed anything.

“Wanda…” you began.

Before Wanda could turn her attention on you, loud shrill lady screams came and you were greeted to the sight of Maria, Okoye and Pepper. All three threw up their arms and grabbed Wanda in a big hug, yanking her away from you and freeing you from her grip.

Loud girl screeches followed.

There was group hopping and hugs and laughter.

It should have made you realize that it’d been so long since you had a fun girls night. It should have reminded you that you were young and your life shouldn’t be all about work and sneaking off with your boyfriend whenever the two of you were able to.

Your heart should have been warmed by the sight of your palace coworkers who were clearly part of the aforementioned Girls.

How long had it been since you had fun?

How long had it been since you’d had a night out on the town?

What were you doing?

Were you jumping and screeching and hugging too?

No.

You were digging into your handbag so you could text Steve real quick. To let him know about your change in plans before he began to think you’d bailed because you were a coward and got cold feet.

Just as your fingers touched the smooth surface of your iPhone…

A noise caught your attention.

Movement.

Peering up to the side at the wall, or what you’d assumed was a hallway wall since you were in another hallway nearly identical to the one upstairs. All while the hugfest continued. You noticed that the wall was at a weird angle. As if it were opening up on a hinge and by the time you realized that the wall was actually an opening to a hidden passageway, a hand grabbed your elbow and yanked you in.

No more than a soft squeak came from you.

In you tumbled.

Into a dimly lit hallway that was actually a passageway you found yourself. With a metal sounding click the wall slid back into place and a big hand fell over your mouth. Making you immediately panic, immediately reach up to grab the hand that was silencing you. Making an arm band around your chest and pull you flush back against a broad muscular body.

“Did you honestly think for one moment that I would allow you to go get drunk with Wanda? Or go to a club with a man that she met for you on Tinder?”

Steve.

It was Steve.

His faint aftershave still burnt your nose but paired with the masculine scent that was him, you relaxed only a little bit, just a smidge.

How the hell did he know all of that? Had he bugged your office? Was he following you?

Deep in your chest your heart pounded wildly. Your skin was on fire. Even though it was dimly lit, you swore you could see each nail and groove in the wooden walls of the hidden passage.

Steve’s shoes were soft on the carpeted floor. Yours however never reached. Your legs dangled. Desperately you stretched out to try and reach your toes down, but alas, Steve was holding you up and was simply that much taller than you. Easily holding you up as he carried you.

His voice an angry snarl, a seething whisp against your ear. “That is so disappointing my love. A failure on both our parts,” came his angry voice. Walking with sure footing and a quick pace through the only barely lit halls.

Turning here and there, quickly and suddenly, until you were very much lost.

A protest came from behind his palm that was crushed against your mouth. Your blood heating with every passing second till it felt as if it were boiling. All that sudden fear was turning into anger at this treatment.

“I’ve clearly failed you if you’re unable to announce with nothing but the utmost certainty that you’re both in a relationship and have no desire to go out clubbing with whomever Clint from Tinder is.” The word clubbing was spat out, as if Steve found it vile on his tongue. “As for you? Yesterday we were discussing where to go for your birthday and today, you refused to answer one of my calls! You have work to do tonight to make up to me your behavior today!”

Further down the hidden passageway you were unceremoniously carried pulled to his front. Your brain racing at warp speed.

You had work to do? You had to make up for your behavior?

Had he lost his damn mind?

Had he not seen the video of his naked nether-regions all over the internet? Or the sex that made the footage a sex tape? The two of you were now amateur porn stars and he was mad that you? Because you were trying to be lowkey until the entire situation blew over? Steve was mad because you were being reasonable?

A most valiant attempt was made to free yourself.

You struggled. You kicked. You flailed and shrilled behind the hand over your mouth. No longer taken by surprise or frightened. Now you were growing angry.

On top of being terrified of being found out in that footage and ridiculed by the world, or worse, chased out of this country by a horde of angry people who didn’t agree with you being the kings choice as not only a foreigner, but one from pretty humble roots. You were upset that the world saw such an intimate moment between the two of you and even if Steve didn’t care that his junk was all over the internet, you cared. You cared a great deal. The royal junk was your junk. It was bad enough you had to know he’d dated women before you who’d seen him nude and were intimate with him, but now the world? It was simply too much for you to comprehend.

Steve slowed and turned, using his elbow he made something pop and a slight crack of light where there was obviously another hidden door in the wall appeared.

Using his broad shoulder, Steve pushed the door open and stepped out into a hallway that led down to the royal chambers and split off.

With his knee, he shoved the hidden panel shut and tightening his grip on you, Steve hurried down that hallway.

A completely different one from where the administrative offices were located.

Rich wooden paneling covered the walls. Making everything appear warmer, lusher. An amber haze hung in the air.

Thick carpet was underfoot. Furniture spoke to its age but had been made with a quality that endured. Like this palace. Built when his land was called something else but had stood through time in proof of his claim to the throne.

Generations before him had ruled, claimed spouses and lovers in these halls, grown old and made history and now it was his turn.

Merely that knowledge had him growing excited in his slacks for a second time that day. All of your thrashing and struggling didn’t help. If anything, it sparked a part of his brain that insisted he ravish and conquer you in his royal bed.

Mouth pressed to your ear, till he felt amber and diamonds press against his lips. “I swear, I will spend the rest of tonight inside of you until things are as they were yesterday. Until you remember that when I speak to you in any manner, you answer. Considering how thoroughly you’ve consumed every last part of me, it is only fair.”

And then, in his slowed pace down the hall ever closer to the door that would lead into Steve’s Royal Apartment, he saw a portrait up on the wall that made him pause.

It was him.

Or his portrait from when he’d turned thirty.

There he stood looking down at you both. Dressed ceremonially in his crown, holding the traditional ruling scepter and wearing the robes from kings of past. Fur, jeweled toned fabric that he’d easily filled out with gold adornments, amber buttons and pipping on his shoulders.

What was most striking about this portrait compared to all the others of Steven throughout the palace, was he was alone in it and unlike all the others, at the time, he’d not been single.

Further making that internal fire burn hotter.

Making him stop and force you to look up at it with him. Framed in a gilded bronze heirloom. Up where he had to look at it to be reminded of what could have been.

“Look! Look!”

You stopped struggling and looked, were well aware of his mouth against your hair.

“See? See it? You could have been there with me. At my side. Wearing my crown. Wearing the robes and jewels of my grandmothers. My queen.”

And indeed you saw.

When you’d seen the finished portrait, you had been blown away at how your body reacted to the sight of your lover in his traditional uniform he only pulled out for big special events. How powerful he looked. How sexy he was wearing a crown, holding a golden scepter with an eagle on the end clutching a piece of amber the size of an egg.

The arm around your chest fell so he could point at the empty space in the picture beside him. “Look. Right there. That is where you would have been. Right there. At my side.”

His hand over your mouth still held you flush against him. Pulled tight against him.

That thought, that entire notion of you painted on a portrait, up there with Steve at his side. It was so surreal to you.

When it was just you and Steve it was fire and gold and everything was amazing. When it was King Steve and his Chief of Staff it was stimulating and exciting. You still weren’t sure about being queen. A queen! That wasn’t like being a princess or a duchess. A queen was different. Even the word felt different.

It made your heart start to pound wildly in your chest again. It made you breathe hard against the back of his hand. It made you have a physiological reaction.

***

This was not how Carol intended to spend her night.

It was not how she wished to start her off-time. Having given Val the update on all things that had transpired for the day as she handed off command of the Royal Guard to her fellow captain.

No sooner had she told Val everything, did one of the messengers from communications come hurrying in. A slip of paper in her hand. A note that changed everything for that night, that week and even that month.

It had left Carol walking through the royal apartments towards the Queen Mother’s rooms.

As she knew exactly what King Steven was doing and quite frankly, she wanted no part in disturbing that unless she absolutely had to.

Besides. The message that had been sent to the palace via royal envoy was meant for Her Majesty. It was best Her Majesty the Queen Mother figured out how best to deal with this coming…situation.

Compared to His Majesty’s Private Rooms, Sarah’s were all light and brightness. White marble and ornate touches. Colorful priceless paintings and large bouquets of fresh flowers in crystal vases. Soft plush furniture held little personal touches. A white chenille throw draped over her couch by a fireplace. Pink slippers sat on the floor. Books both new and ancient with various markers holding her place were scattered about. Fresh flowers. She loved fresh flowers. They were everywhere.

As expected, the door to the Queen Mother’s apartments were open.

Carol still paused outside of it to knock gently.

“Your Majesty?” She called out, looking at her watch to see that it was nearing seven. Around seven was when the queen took her dinner meal privately. Of course she’d leave the door open for kitchen staff to bring up food as usual. It wasn’t one of the nights that was reserved for Steve and his mother to have their dinners together.

After the death of her husband the former king, Sarah had effectively thrown open all the doors that he had imprisoned her with.

Her soft voice drifted out.

Delicate and gentle.

The Queen Mother sat in a large chair by a big window overlooking the city. Her pale hair pulled back at the nape of her neck. A string of pearls tightened and loosened around her fingers as she lowered the book she’d been reading. A pleasant smile came over her soft features.

Upon seeing the stone of Carol’s face, the queen frowned. “What is it? What is wrong?”

Only confirming that something was wrong, Carol shut the door and locked it.

Dinner had been brought up. Smells emanated from the queens private dining room off to the left. It reminded Carol that she hadn’t eaten since breakfast that morning. It had been that kind of a day.

Clasping her hands before her, she rocked back on her heels. “A message was sent by Her Highness Janet Van Dyne. She and her daughter will be at the palace tomorrow…”

Janet and Hope Van Dyne?

Steven’s former fiancée and her mother?

Two golden eyebrows rose, making Carol press on. “Her Highness is under the impression that they’ll be staying here? In the palace?”

All of this was new to Sarah.

She had not heard from Janet since Steve’s coronation. When she and her husband had been in attendance. Earlier that particular year, Hope had broken her engagement with Steven to run away with a Maharaja.

It’d been all over the tabloids.

A young princess of the Netherlands had broken her engagement to the crown prince of an incredibly traditional nation to follow her heart. Hope had spent many years splashed across tabloids and blogs with a handsome charismatic Asian Prince. She’d lost her royal title and gave tell-all interviews about how her family had forbade her from running away and how she’d never marry a man from infamous Rogers Royal Line. And then, oddly, she was back home with her family this year.

Sarah had found it unusual. Alas, she was a busy woman with a life of her own to keep her busy.

“Was anything else in the message,” Sarah wanted to know.

Carol shook her head.

It had been a simple message that was very to the point.

Sighing in a most un-Sarah-like sort of way. She set her book down on the arm of her chair and rose. Tall. Willowy. Pursing her lips. Her dress fell around her in a gauzy cloud.

“Do you want me to tell His Majesty?”

Pausing, the older women considered the question. Dare she tell her son? He deserved to know. Nothing good would come from this visit.

If it were Janet alone? Sarah would not be so suspicious. But Janet and Hope? And that they would come so last minute? After the release of this video footage from the royal sauna?

“Is my son with her?”

Silence.

Carol was quiet.

A noise came from the Queen Mother. A clicking of her tongue. Stepping into her slippers, she pulled the hem of her dress up. “I suppose I should not be surprised that you would keep this from me.”

More quiet came.

“I won’t ask. I’ll find out my own way and leave him be for now. Janet and Hope won’t be here tonight. This can be a problem for tomorrow, today has been difficult enough for us all. Let tomorrow be tomorrow.”

Let tomorrow be tomorrow.

On her other hand was her wedding band. A treasure itself. Now on the widow’s finger. It was so symbolic of the cage she’d lived in for the duration of her marriage.

Absentmindedly, she twisted the rings. “Have you eaten yet?” Pulling them up and down her hand. “I had hoped you would come. I had the kitchen bring up extra.” Off slipped the rings that she had to wear in public. In her hand they jingled until she set them down on a smoothly polished table.

With two heavy clicks, they bounced on the wood by a vase full of peonies. Freeing her for the time being.

“I missed you while you were away.”

A blush bloomed over her porcelain complexion at Carol’s words.

As she watched Carol lock the door to her chambers, a warmth bloomed within her chest. Such words were so simple. So honest. They were words she had not heard before in her life. In this new chapter however, in this new time in her life, she had become accustomed to kind words and compassion.

“I missed you as well.” She confessed, stepping closer and still keeping space between them. As some habits died hard. “Stay with me? Tonight?”

“There is nothing I want more, Sarah.”

***

As it turned out, now you were ready to talk.

However.

Unfortunately.

Steve was now past that point and was on a whole other page.

You found yourself protesting when he carried you into his bedroom like some manner of caveman would carry a slab of meat. Shrilling out when he yanked and ripped and tore at your dress, forcing it over your head after ripping fabric and popping buttons, till it was an unsalvageable heap of material and threads.

Which was an absolute tragedy.

You loved that dress.

You even pointed out that fact to him somewhere between the threshold of his bedroom and his massive bed that really was fit for a king.

It was so big!

A headboard wider than Wanda’s itty-bitty car was long. An elaborate collection of regal flourishes and shapes. Dark sheets so soft they were slippery awaited you as you screeched and hollered, letting out an outraged sound when your bra was popped then yanked roughly from you.

“Steven!” You admonished your king, toes digging deep into the thick carpet as you’d lost your shoes back in the hallway leading to his quarters.

This whole evening was going off the rails for you. There was no other way to put it.

Dim sconces on the wall lit the way. Highly effective mood lighting if you ever saw it. Allowing you to see the set in Steve’s face, the firm line of his mouth.

His fingers wrapped around the back of your neck so he could hold you close, ground out for your benefit. “All day long I tried. Calls. Messages. Texts. Did you want to talk? No. You ignored me. Now I do not wish to talk either.”

Pushing you forward, you found yourself stumbling but knew if you didn’t walk on your own, Steve would merely toss you up on his bed. Up on the sea of pillows. Framed by gilded silver and dark curtains that came down from above to allow for privacy.

“All day long you denied me. I’ll remind you what is mine until you’re thinking clearly again. Until we’re back where we were yesterday!”

“I’m ready to talk now! I’m in a place where I can discuss this with you! I am thinking clearly!”

Words were not needed.

Oh no.

Not when the king grabbed your hand, pulled your arm back and pressed your palm against his straining erection. Hot to the touch. Shockingly hard. Painfully so even you were willing to bet.

Your knees hit the bed and you were pushed forward till you fell over, till you wound up on the expanse of bedding in a tangle of hands and knees and that silky smooth material.

A big explosion came from Steve. Feeling like and you were flailing on your stomach, trapped beneath his oppressive weight and the bed. Fighting. Wiggling. Trying to get free from beneath him but bigger stronger arms had your wrists.

Something was being wrapped around your wrists that you couldn’t see, as your vision was impeded by the broad chest in your face. Right there. Blocking your line of sight. Pinning you down to the sea of grey until finally, finally, he was up and you were once more struggling, wiggling, jerking and finding that you were tied to the headboard.

You were tied to the headboard. You were naked and bound to his bed.

Silky fabric that was Steve’s tie bound your wrists snugly together and wove into the headboard, securing you there most soundly.

It was outrageous! It was absurd!

You were tied to his headboard!

It was a first for you.

When your gaze returned to your boyfriend and even that was now a bit questionable, you were greeted to the sight of Steve shedding his suit. Yanking off each garment without pause or care. A few tears were heard and he was far rougher than need be. A button or two may have flown off.

“You cannot be serious! That’s your plan? You’re going to take what’s yours? Are you serious? This is not the dark ages!”

Ignoring you, Steve shoved his slacks down his long legs. Allowing his rigid cock to bob obscenely. Causing an eyeroll to immediately come from you. A hint of something dark on his hip caught your eye. But it was only a flash and as he was moving, yanking off his suit jacket and fiercely ripping open buttons on his shirt, you couldn’t get a good look.

Was it a bruise? A tattoo?

Somehow you doubted kings were even allowed to have tattoos. Or that Steve even had the time to get himself permanently inked. When the hell did he get that bruise?

Momentarily distracted by him climbing up on the bed, you looked up to give your bindings a good hard yank.

No luck.

Steve’s weight was pushing you down. Shoving you into the bed. Pinning you down as you protested, implored and began to plea. Which was exactly what he wanted. After everything you had put him through today? You would beg. You would plead. You would forget all about that video.

“Open your mouth.”

It was an order.

It could be nothing less.

An absolute command that had your lips slowly parting as your eyes widened in surprise at the sudden treatment, this roughness. Steve held his painful erection in hand and pushed his tip to your lips. Pushed the red end of his cock sticky with precum past your lips. Till you were forced to open your mouth wider and wider for him. To take him deeper and deeper into your mouth.

Steve held your gaze and pushed his member in further. Straddling your chest and gripping his headboard in one hand, till it dug into his fingers. While his other hand grabbed your face to hold it tight.

You’d never be able to take all of him. He knew this. You’d never been able to no matter how much you’d tried. But he wanted to see how much he could fit in your mouth tonight.

“Don’t swallow. Don’t let me down again.”

Your mouth was so warm closing around him. Wet. Sacred. It made him want to close his eyes to sink in deep but Steve would not. He would do that soon enough. He would lose himself in your cunt soon enough.

A few small movements from his hips sank his cock deeper into your mouth. Filling your cheeks as you struggled. Until you found a motion of moving up and down his length, running your tongue along his sides. Wetting up his shaft till sloppy noises started to fill his ears and a small little dribble began to moisten the corners of your mouth.

Those blue eyes remained set on your own. Never once showing you mercy.

“Tomorrow. In the future. If I call or text, you will answer.”

There was no follow-up. Nor was it a question.

Long fingers that belonged on an artist or musician sank into your hair tightly.

All you could do was nod as drool rolled down your chin and you suckled his cock like you would a popsicle, without swallowing, sucking on his sensitive flesh as he liked and without the aid of your own hands to steady his member.

It was glorious and Steve could only slightly appreciate it. As the words that fell from his mouth were more important, more vital.

Feeling how wet your mouth was getting was fantastic. Absolutely. Your nimble tongue was a gift. No one had ever sucked his cock like you.

However…he was still frustrated, still angry, still hurt even.

He’d not worked his way through those feelings as of yet.

Perhaps? In your body?

Those feelings teased and taunted him with his unworthiness. Of how you hadn’t been firmer with your roommate. How you had allowed her to drag you down the stairs for a night out with possibly another man? It infuriated him. It sent his hips rocking into your mouth. It had his cock rubbing up along the back of your throat and made your eyes water.

No.

Steve would not lose you. He loved you too much to even entertain such a notion. No. Infact, he would make sure that he ruined you. By the end of the night, he would make certain that you’d never even amused the notion of being set up. He would be completely sure that when you left his chambers come morning, you would never be doubted when you told Wanda or anyone that you had a partner.

“I want to start publicly courting you. I want to be engaged this year. I do not want to hide any longer. When people look at you, I want them to know that you belong to me.”

Noises came around his cock that Steve knew were words and he did not care.

“Look at yourself.” Steve stilled, his words harsh, bitter even. “You have my cock in your mouth and I am completely at your mercy. Tied to the bed of kings because I cannot go one night without dreaming of you, fantasizing about your tight cunt and smooth skin. I would give you the world and all you want is nothing. You are the worst type of infuriating.”

As if to prove his point, he steadily pumped his pelvis up into your mouth. Each slide in pushed saliva and pre-ejaculate out, making it ooze from the seal of your lips around his erection. Against your throat his wet balls bounced. His ass rested on your chest and he could not get enough. More. He wanted more. He needed more. Craved more.

The urge to go harder was strong.

Steve wanted so badly to fuck you. To make you feel how much you drove him mad. How you caused him physical pain from longing alone.

With drool smeared down your chin and neck, never looking more beautiful in his opinion, Steve pulled his dick out. Done with your mouth for now. Needing more. Needing to grab your tits and to be closer to your face, looking closer into your eyes.

In a familiar sort of way, your throat bobbed.

“Did you just swallow when I specifically told you not to?”

A moment of hesitation followed from you that had Steve gripping your face, easing his body down yours but holding your slippery chin tight in his grip. Your eyes were wide. Again, probably without even realizing, you swallowed in nervousness.

“I’m…I’m sorry…”

“I’m sorry what,” he demanded, leaning down closer, licking the wetness from your chin and earning from you a most satisfying shiver that wracked your body.

“S-s-sorry, Your Majesty.”

His tongue was hot and wet on your chin. His body was heavy and hot on your own. Skin on skin contact made your brain short circuit. It was a miracle you could string those syllables together. With your hands bound so snugly to the bed. All you could do was take it. Take what he gave you.

Feeling him push your thighs open and position himself between your hips made you gasp. Words failed you.

And then words didn’t even matter because he was pushing into you. Claiming you. Taking what was his because you did belong to him. You belonged to him in every possible way.

A scream exploded out of you when he dove right in. Sank in till his crown was pressed up against the wall of your cervix. Deeper than anyone had ever been before. Hands were grabbing your ankles and spreading you wide. Spearing you on his cock. Stretching your body taut.

“So wet. You were made to take me. Made to take your king.” He whispered more to himself even though you heard. You would have heard a pin drop. You could hear your heart pound and blood rush through your ears, each gasp your lungs took. You could feel every last inch of him deep inside your core. Painfully stretching you open like this. Burning. Tingling. Twisting.

Hands tightened on your ankles till you looked up at Steve. Hovering over you like a pillaging warlord about to ravish his prize.

“You have till Monday to decide how you wish us to become public. I will not wait a day longer.”

Seeing you like this before him. Splayed out. Your pussy curled around his member, plump from being filled with your breasts round puddles up on your chest. It set his hips into a frenzy. Powerful thrusts were sent into your tight walls that made Steve grunt every time from the power behind his motions, from the sight of his cock vanishing up into you. Watching your pussy take him so hungrily as you cried out beneath him each time. Breasts swaying. Skin slapping on skin with the contact. Your hips jiggled, his headboard creaked, his balls slapped soundly against you both.

“Say it. Say the words to me. Say them!” Steve commanded you. Pieces of his hair falling and sticking to his sweaty forehead as he sank in to the very depths of you then pulled out, revealing a glistening shaft before slamming his member right back in where it belonged.

“Yes…yes…yes…yes…” you chanted, over and over, again and again with every thrust in, every withdraw that was like heaven and hell, your body needing him to complete this circuit only the two of you could create. “…yes…yes…my king…yes my king…”

Those words. They were a song to his ears and had your ankles slapped together. Those words had the backs of your thighs slapped wetly against his chest, your feet touching his shoulder as Steve continued to pound into you.

Pumping into your now closed thighs, into your tighter walls at this angle.

“Look!”

Dimly your eyes fluttered, you looked into his burning blue eyes.

“Look. Here.”

You followed his gaze to where he pointed, looking down at his pelvis, where his hip met his abdomen in that hard cut of muscle that was visible above his beltline. The one you loved to lick.

He did have a tattoo.

It took you a second to realize what you were looking at and focus, as his thrusts continued without mercy, pounding away, slamming into you without mercy. Shaking and pushing you into his bed.

Your writing was inked into his skin. Your very own signature.

Your name was forever scrawled into Steve’s skin and then, it hit you. Your climax took you by complete surprise. Your entire body went stiff. A pained noise came from you and you shattered all around his cock. Fingernails dug into your palm and you stared at your name in cruel ecstasy.

Steve fell too. You could tell from his thrusts getting wild, falling out of sync. You could tell because he swore out, clenched his face and held your thighs tight to his chest.

Pumping deeply into you while your body milked him for everything he had to give.

Making him merely a man in that moment with you.

Up on his headboard, you were tightly secured and would soon have bruises from arching up against the silk tie restraining you. Unable to do anything but feel and accept what your king was giving you. On your back. In a bed that past kings had slept in.

None of which was lost on you.

Not as your body felt leaden, filled with molten hot lava. Limp. Your secret garden continued to suck him in, clench around him and spasm, making your eyes roll up in your head, your body dig into his bed and words fall from your mouth.

In a most dignified sort of manner, your king humped into your body like a jack rabbit, chasing the last vestiges of his climax with coral wet lips and dark honey hair now damp with sweat.

A sight for your satiated eyes.

“Let me call my mother in the morning.” You breathed out slowly, as if figuring out how your lungs worked once more after a marathon. Your words making Steve still above you. Though your cunt did not. It twitched around his royal girth and you met his gaze from on his pillows. “Tomorrow you can have Maria release a statement saying whatever you want. Just let me tell my parents myself. They should hear from me that I’m not coming home.”

Whatever wind that may have held up his sails had clearly been withdrawn.

Almost tenderly now, Steve leaned forward to quickly loosen the silk around your wrists and free your hands from his headboard. Stretching out his long powerful body above you. Flushed red now. Glistening. Though he left his tie there. He remained inside of you too. Filling you and stretching you full.

Gently, he pushed your legs down until they wrapped around him and he was able to rest his weight most carefully on top of you. Pressing wet kisses to your nose, your cheeks and chin. Worshipping your face with delicate touches and caresses.

“I’ll fly them out here whenever you want. When we get back from Switzerland, I’ll have them waiting for you.”

Softly you answered, reveling in his softness now that your body had been given her reward, her treat, her pleasure from his roughness. Smelling the musk of his sweat and feeling the wet glide between your bodies.

Leisurely, your hands found their way up his muscular arms to his shoulders. “You know what I mean. I won’t ever be their daughter again. I won’t ever be Wanda’s roommate. I’ll have to quit my job. Nothing will ever be the same.”

Those words, well, they settled uncomfortably in him.

All of them were true.

You would be giving up so much. He would have to make sure to take care of you even more so, keep a closer eye on you. He would need to have a talk with his mother come morning.

“That’s true,” Steve softly conceded, rubbing his nose along your own. Barely grazing his lips over yours. A hint of a tongue touched you before his breath danced over your mouth. “We would be together though. Finally together. You. Me. Not hiding anymore.”

Speaking of hiding.

That word alone had you pulling away from his mouth to lean to the side, to get a look down at his Adonis belt. At the alluring groove that led down to his pubes where your name was now in black.

Nay, your signature.

As if sensing what you were after, your boyfriend tilted up a smidge. Enough for you to see but not enough for him to leave your body. Pray tell that couldn’t happen.

“When did you do this?”

“Do you like it,” Steve asked, as if your opinion mattered. Which was laughable considering how permanent it was.

He’d literally took your signature and had it tattooed on his body.

“Of course I love it. Now you have a part of me on you all the time.” An incredibly modern take on Steve’s royal jewel gift thing, but in reverse you thought. Then grinned as it sank in. “I can’t believe you did it though.”

Why wouldn’t he have done it?

Steve hadn’t thought twice when Maria had gone on about getting her late mother’s writing tattooed on her side, in a lasting forever tribute. Having your writing on him at all times had been an idea that hadn’t left him. Not until he’d had a tattoo artist praised for their work brought to the palace late the other night.

He wasn’t even going to lie, king or not, there was something downright satisfying about having something like this hidden on his body from all. Known only by you and him. A secret only for you two.

Bringing him right back to the thought that the biggest secret the two of you shared would soon be out.

Soon it would be public knowledge and that had Steve brushing his fingertips over your cheeks, kissing the swell of your cheekbone and moving ever just so to make a small moan come from you. “You’ll never regret this. I’ll love you for the rest of my life. I’ll devote myself to making you happy. You’ll never regret becoming my queen.”

[laurelier]

An anti/former harry fan has made several long blog entries about why harry is not political, just privileged and out of touch. Can we please prove them wrong? It makes me sad.

x/x/x

Listen, like.

Ok. Sigh. Big sigh. Because—here you know what I’m gonna put this under a cut bc frankly I don't wanna clog my blog up with discourse. So. If yal care what I think about this then keep on readin.

Honestly? Honestly. Honestly I know this isn’t what you want to hear but I…….. think this person raises some important points. I don't agree with everything, obviously—I wouldn’t be a fan of Harry if I didn’t see such gracefulness and compassion and strength in him and his work. But. Yeah. Some of this is stuff we should consider.

Here's the thing: personally, I don't necessarily think that H's reputation for quietness on social issues or for making soft statements is as awful as it's made out to be. Would I be elated if he said more? Sure, absolutely. He is so, so, so privileged, and he has such a huge platform. But what I see in him is a careful and thoughtful person who prefers to show solidarity through action or appearance rather than words. Which is, frankly, usually enough for me. I understand why it's not enough for some, but most of the time it is for me: I can take what he does and my interpretation of it and apply the goodness and kindness I see there to parts of my own life.

But really, getting to your actual question, I think this person’s point that if you’re pro-choice but are not willing to make unequivocally damning statements about abortion, you shouldn’t weigh in, is..... a fair one. It's interesting. Like, I don't totally know how I feel about this, to be 100% transparent with you. I don’t think I’d want to entirely gatekeep that conversation, and I want H to be able to express support for his fans in the ways he feels he can and should, but I do see where op is coming from there. Seen from a certain angle, H's statement does feel like a flippant nod to an issue that is very, very, very contentious and painful. And personally, I would appreciate a full-throated denouncement of laws prohibiting abortion from Harry much more than this kind of sort of maybe TPWK thing that we keep getting—but I think we have to remember that that kind of statement is not Harry’s thing. It's not, and hasn't really ever been; Harry’s music is all navel gazing and figuring yourself out, internal rather than external, and I don't think he promises us more than that. I don't think he needs to. And, like I said, I can understand why some would resent him for that, given his immense privilege, but really—Harry’s a human, and no matter what he says or doesn’t say people will scream at him and tell him he’s awful horrible evil or amazing gorgeous perfect, the combination of which has to be incredibly confusing, and not to baby someone who’s been read as a white man his whole life but—I don’t know that I’d want to try to make eloquent and perfectly measured statements on social issues if I were in Harry's position, either. I'd be terrified of my own platform. I just—he’s a person. Let him be one.

Granted, this particular instance is a bit tricky because being pro-choice *is* black and white right-wrong for me, where something like gender or sexuality (other issues he's often demonized for not "speaking out" enough on; utter BS, that) is very much a gray-area ~different for everyone and he'll share when he's ready or able~ type thing, but this idea of entitlement to all of Harry’s opinions and thoughts is still so tiring and frustrating to me. I'd like it if we could just let him figure things out at his own pace.

And, also: listen to what he's saying. Right? Like. He literally never said "abortion". I do think he was making a nod to it, but honest, the way I read that statement originally was—Harry doesn't want anyone to tell *him* what to do with his body. I hear, more than anything, just straight-up bodily reclamation there. Someone had to point out that it could be applied to the Texas law for me to get that part of it. It's layered. I feel like he's letting those who hear him decide what he means (yet again). And I see why someone might take issue with him making a statement that, because it's vague, could be misconstrued (even to the point of being twisted into an antivax statement, but I don't really think that's Harry's fault, it's pretty clear where he stands on that issue)—or see this as him maybe kind of going, eh, let's just throw abortion in there while we're at it as if that's not an issue that would deserve its own statement—I just. That's not what I take from it. And in any case I agree with op, in a twisty turny kind of way: I can't expect my politics to come from Harry Styles. I am a fan of Harry Styles because I think it's awe-inspiring that he shares his shifting, expanding knowledge of himself through his art, always with his trademark, ever-present grace and softness and vulnerability.

Really what it comes down to is. The person whose posts you linked said that his statement, if it's about abortion, is inappropriate because it puts the onus on those people actually harmed by the issue to "fix" it by supporting one another, and again, yeah, I can see why they said that—but I still don't think that's the only way to read it. What I hear when I hear Harry ask us to have one another's backs is: kindness is absolutely foundational, kindness is everything; acting human towards yourself and others, even when others do not, is not weak but is rather an act of defiance and it is very, very brave; is a way of fighting, really, for goodness; this is a world in which we all must take care of one another, and it's courageous to do so. He didn't say all that any more than he made a clear-cut statement about abortion, but still.

Whether H means for all of his equivocation and shallow-seeming statements to have so many interpretations isn't really my concern, at the end of the day. I don't know what's in H's head. What I do know is what his art has done for me—so even though it might sound hard to believe after reading this longass answer that I've written you today, nonnie, I do try to focus on only what I can see of H, remember that he's a privileged human being who, like all of us, is far, far, far from perfect, and not idolize him too much. It's important to encourage accountability for what he doesn't say and maybe should, but equally so to hear what he does.

[tokyokookmin]

I really loved your explanation regarding vmin it was retable. kanmom51 anon, Im using a little of your ask for @tokyokookmin to explain and narrate a lil about JIMIN shes a JM biased too so I felt that it would be appropriate to ask her.

"Because it’s no secret that JM doesn’t get any praise from the company, the choreographer, and all."

"When it comes to the members it’s a different topic. They hype Jimin up. We have J-Hope constantly praising JM. Jk completely in awe with JM dance. Jin thanking him for helping him rehearse."

"So for me Bighit for some reason doesn’t do anything for JM, no credit in his work, no acknowledgement, nothing."

I felt that every single word that this anon has said is pure truth and this remark deserves much more attention. We all know what's currently going on with JM, the situation is really bad and its getting worse, toxic solo stans are bashing him and they are comparing him to other members from every perspective + even the hate that he's getting bcuz of him "annoying jk" in that memories 2020.

I need you to explain on how a wonderful person JM is. Your impact makes a huge difference on people mindset. tysm keshhh.

Hey there anon!, I deeply understand your emotions. The hate that JM is going through is really bad and I have personally reported those accounts on twt etc. I even took a few snapshots of a tiktok video comment section... I will surely share them some day or another. Well then lets get started! I can't compare J-HOPE TO JM because they are my biases and both of them captivated my eyes, I just can't resist their flawless moves and they make a great dance unit... it would be incomplete without one of them + JK lol.

Most armies would say that JK is the golden maknae or he's the best overall in the team, well y'all took JM for granted, he's capable of doing so many things as well. But before that we need to talk about his dancing skills, I have made one blog about the 3J. Here's the link if you would like to know about their achievements/viral moments https://tokyokookmin.tumblr.com/post/654670945252933632/a-guide-to-the-dance-line..... this blog was mostly just me collecting info's lmao-.

1. DANCE ☝️

Well I found this incredible video from tiktok and I thought that this video would be perfect to describe his contemporary skills. Utmost respect to the creator for creating such a masterpiece!

Jimin Van Fleet Award!

Do we really need to talk about this? We all knew what impact he had given to audience with his remarkable traditional korean fan dance.He is extremely talented, after all he trained in contemporary.

“I received many really big awards today. I sincerely appreciate it, and it was a day when I thought I would like to share it with you with better music and stage in the future. Thank you all for your support. #JIMIN# We have been unclear” #JiminWorldwideLoved 📷📷📷📷

"As emphasized by the ballet dancer, being lifted is not easy, just like in the case of Jimin in the said stage. A strong core, glutes, and chest are vital for the one being lifted." https://youtu.be/3RW91KT3bXw - another review from a japanese dancer.

He is extremely versatile and he can master any sort of genre.He excels in dancing,his moves and fluidity of his body is astonishing they way he moves every tissue in his body to perfectly to complete the cheoreo is just mind blowing, he is truly the embodiment of dancing! Believe me or not, you should pay more attention on his facial expressions... he keeps it graceful. His fingers and angle are on point.

From MAMA 2016 Lie meets Boy meets evil to MMA 2020 black swan 🦢..I wonder what's coming up next.

2. Loving member

Jimin is the member that I connect emotionally to, he's a sentimental person but he just doesn't show it you just have to pay attention on his behaviour and actions. He consoles many of the members and he provides comfort for them. The picture I attached below sets a great example.

1. BTS MAMA 2018... It was a tough year for them. They were close to disbanding, and the members were emotionally drained. My heart sank when I saw hobi breaking down in front of the crowd, you can find tons of fancams but you should take a close look at Jimin. He handled the situation very well and I love the way he gives his subtle touch of love towards the other members.

2. Taehyung grandma death announcement

I don't think that I need to explain the about the situation. Taehyung was really sad and felt guilty as he couldn't mention his grandma name. He broke down and Jimin immediately noticed him and ran towards him and just gave him little pat/huggie.

3. The Final

Even by looking at the picture you can see the comfort. You know that GCF-TOKYO song “there for you’ which implies that Jk means he will be there for jimin but "you gotta be there for me too” which means jimin gotta be there for him too. So yeah, JM just know jungkook well and he comforts Jk pretty well.It was so cute and i wished i was a part of the audience, i would have had a panic attack looking at them being so cute,fluff,intimate ON STAGE . Too bad it’s impossible now .

3.He's a badass [ athletic/ physical ]

Jimin has often talked about his experience in kendo,japanese fencing,Geomdo (���도, 劍道) “Way of the Sword” & hapkido. HAPKIDO: electid korean martial arts .It is a form of self-defense that employs joint locks, grappling, throwing techniques, kicks, punches, and other striking attacks.

https://youtu.be/oUcHghZQxiw - a video you may refer to.

.4.Academic excellence

After Namjoon Jimin has the most remarkable academic achievements in bts. He was one of the top students in junior high and was THE top student in Busan arts high school from ALL the departments. Fun fact Jimin IQ is 128! He was valedictorian too.

"When he was in junior high, he was one of the top students so Jimin's dad thought of enrolling him in a foreign language school. When he decided to go to an arts school, his teachers tried to stop him and were disappointed. He was accepted as the top of his class and attended Busan High School of Arts. He was doing really good. Then he switched to K-pop dancing and decided to be a trainee in Seoul. Teachers also tried to stop him and were disappointed. Park Jimin's life is really something.

36. Our Jimin didn't spend a lot of time preparing for the arts school. He was dancing popping when he decided to go to the arts school. He then learned modern dancing for a little over a year and was accepted at Busan High School of Arts as the top of his class even though he was a dance majorπ TT TT Every member in this group could've been successful at anything. That group is our pride, BTS.

60. Wow! If there's only one dance class, it's really incredible~ It's hard to get a top student from dance department. And it was achieved by a male student and it's Park Jimin TTTT

67. That's what I know too.. I was looking into Busan Arts School before and one class for dance is probably correct. It was mostly music and art classes that I remember. So from Busan Arts School, one out of ten classes and a male student from dance department getting accepted as the top of the class...the percentage is just incredible. I know that the dance class has about 40 students? And male students could be 25:15 or 30:10. Jimin broke through this and became the top.

Namjoon and Jimin really made a huge gamble. They could've went the easier way. Truthfully, if they went their way, they both would have succeeded. But becoming an idol and not knowing what their future will be and BTS not being successful from the beginning must have been really hard for them. But now I'm glad they're successful and they can realize they've made the right choice."

cr @artimitatesjimin

I really respect and idolize him. His personality is unique and its different.He's been through alot. Being kicked from BTS for 8+ times, the members ranking his looks as the last and being called fat and ugly, that's really disturbing. He starved and went on diets just to please the audience and to have a jawline. He works his ass of and he really deserves more. He's obviously cutie,sexy,lovely,sweet guy! He prioritize his career, family and fans before anything. He has absolute heavenly vocals (+crazyyy high notes) and he is the definition of stage presence. PARK JIMIN IS THE STANDARD. Solo toxic fans are definitely going to attack on me but this is the reality.Jimin deserves more and he's such a sweet person. He performs with his whole heart and expresses it wonderfully,he goes all out and each performance comes out from his soul. He loves to perform. I MEAN FOR THE LOOKS, JIMIN IS THE FIRST FOR JUNGKOOK~.

He once even wasn't able to attend THE GRAHAM NORTON SHOW due to his sore muscles.

He went through alot and he deserves the #1 in brand reputation, who doesn't admire his determination?

Each member is unique in their own way. I want no hate or malice on my platform ~

Bits and pieces I collected anon! love ya ~ stay safe.

[razberrybi]

hello! this isn’t the most timely of postings, but I want to make a series with stuff I wish I knew before applying for/getting into college. the series will be most helpful to lower-income american students, because that’s my experience!  eventually I’ll have more stuff regarding STEM courses & tips for when you do start college.  everything will be tagged #college help by raz.  I’ll get a link for it up and running on my blog.

first off, probably the ugliest part of the process for me: filing the FAFSA, aka the Free Application for Federal Student Aid.  I wouldn’t be able to go to college without it but the process literally brought me to tears.

if I save just one student some unnecessary frustration, then my job here is done! kal @promethes was my inspiration to do this, she’s running something with a similar purpose in a couple months so if you’re interested keep an eye out for that.

finally, if you’re trying to get into college/are just getting in and have any questions, don’t hesitate to send me an ask! 

if you don’t want to open up the link above to a google doc, the text is available under the cut.

Things to know about the FAFSA:

It opens on October 1st every year.  Be prepared to file it right when it opens, the aid is first come, first served.

If you’re going right into college after high school, that means you should apply on October 1st of your senior year.  

If you missed the deadline, it’s open till June 30th the next year, but do not procrastinate this. Please trust me. Mark October 1st on your calendar, know it like your birthday.  This is free money from the gov, don’t miss out.

You need to file for the FAFSA every year you’re in college, it’s not a one-and-done thing. 

To file, you will need an FSA ID for you AND one of your parents (unless you’re not a dependent.  If you’re living with a parent/legal guardian and they provide more than 50% of your financial support, you’re probably their dependent.  That means they claim you on their taxes & get money back on their return). Make those FSA IDs here. Remember the passwords.

These are separate accounts that you’ll need to actually file the FAFSA.  Also, if you have loans taken out they’ll show up here.

When you’re ready to do the FAFSA, use this official website.  Other websites can charge you.  They might not be secure and definitely won’t be any easier. 

Sometimes, income is complicated or parents aren’t always on top of their taxes.  Thankfully FAFSA wants documents from two years prior, i.e., for the 2020-21 school year they’re asking for 2018 taxes.

Try to check that those are filed away somewhere you can access before the Oct. 1 deadline.  Make sure your parents know the government will pay for your schooling if you do this, and you usually won’t have to give that money back.

If your situation changed and you make a lot less than you did 2 years ago, contact your school’s financial aid office. Sometimes they can help with extra aid.

What documents will you need?

Your social security number

Your driver’s license, if you have one

W-2 forms from 2 years prior, and other records of money earned 

Your (and/or your parents’) Federal income tax return from 2 years prior (form 1040, will be different if you’re in an American territory and not one of the states)

Any untaxed income records form 2 years prior, like payments to deferred pension & savings plans, tax exempt interest & child support

Records of taxable earnings from federal work-study from 2 years ago

Record of grants, scholarships, or fellowship aid that was included in you or your parent’s 2018 adjusted gross income

Any current bank statements

Any current business and investment mortgage info, business/farm records, stocks/bonds info

Documentation that you’re a permanent US resident or other eligible noncitizen

If you’re lucky, all these records will be filed in one spot or easily accessible.  Try to access them early just in case.

If you have an idea what colleges you’re applying to, add them to the FAFSA when prompted.  This will help you know exactly how much money they’re giving you sooner.

Because of the whole “parents not being on top of taxes” thing, I’ve always had to manually put things in instead of clicking the button that lets you manually import the info.

It’s frustrating and takes a while, but you will be able to do it.  Thankfully the FAFSA has been getting better with the help available on the page (you can click an info button and it explains most things). 

Still unsure what something means? Open a new tab on your browser and google it.  You need to answer everything honestly, don’t take chances and take your time.

If you do get to auto-import, I suggest you go through the information manually to double check things if it lets you!  I’ve used a similar tool with a tax-filing service and they can get some things wrong.

There are a couple “optional” sections.  I fill them all out except for the section about assets, which I’ve consistently skipped.  I always get max aid doing this, your mileage may vary.

When you finish, you’ll get a number for your EFC, or expected family contribution--how much they predict your family will have to pay for college.  For example, if that number is 000, you’ll hopefully get maximum aid and your tuition will be paid for.

Sometimes, they can’t give it all in grants (money you don’t have to pay back), so some of the money will be made out to you as subsidized or unsubsidized loans.  If you need them, take out the subsidized loans first, these will not gain interest until your grace period ends, typically 6 months after graduation.

I’ve literally never had success applying for random online scholarships and I applied to a lot of them.  The FAFSA is so important if your family is low-income, those grants cover my entire tuition.  The rest of my college, including room/board and a shitton of fees, is covered by merit scholarships directly from my school.  I go to a large, in-state school, and suggest you stay in state if you can’t get into an out of state college that will 100% pay everything for you.  Those colleges, not coincidentally, are also extremely hard to get into especially if you don’t have connections--think the Ivies, MIT, etc.

I recommend in-state because it’s almost always much cheaper than out of state tuition.  Sometimes colleges have programs that will let you go to another state and pay in-state tuition at their partner school, if you’re desperate to move far look for those programs OR find a farther college in your state keeping in mind how good their program is for the major you’re looking at.

Also, fancy private schools might get you some connections or more famous speakers at events but the quality of your education won’t be much better, if at all. 

Look for scholarships that come directly from the school you like.

Merit scholarships are money your school will give you for having good grades/test scores.  How much money 100% depends on the school. Mine had a program where they had different levels of aid, and they calculated which level you fell into based on your high school GPA, ACT, and SAT scores. It’s worth trying to improve your scores on one of those tests if you know it’ll get you more money.  These scholarships tend to renew every year/semester if you keep your GPA up in college. 

For school-specific questions, contact the school’s financial aid office.  For general questions, contact me! Send an ask to @razberrybi on tumblr.

Finally--if you manage to complete the FAFSA wholly or partially on your own, congratulations!! It’s not an easy feat.  In my experience the FAFSA is literally harder and more frustrating than filing your taxes.  Treat yourself for getting it done!  

[purelafemme]

Mid 2020 reflections

The older I grow, the more important I realize it is to extend myself grace, and to practice patience. All the pieces of my life will come together. This pandemic has taught me to be still. 

A few days ago I woke up in a grumpy mood. Over the last few months, some days will go by and I will feel fine. Others, not too hot. Recently, I decided to practice a tip from one of the former therapists. I took the time to “check in” with myself and pinpoint all the reasons I was feeling so out of tune. 

A big reason for this “out-of-tuneness” is coming from my job. I don’t feel as connected and engaged to my work, as I would imagine it would be if we were in the office. Its difficult for me to focus and relax in my room. All my life I have struggled with performance anxiety, which has become heightened due to my experience in the AEA program. Teleworking has blurred the lines between my home life and my work life, making it difficult for my brain to separate the two. Also, I feel cramped and restricted due to the lack of independence and freedom I am experiencing living in my parents house. I miss my freedom and independence of living in my own apartment. I’m going to stay here until January to try and save more money (at least $8,000). Just like I felt with Morgan back in fall of 2017, I can feel that I have outgrown living in my parents house and living in Baltimore. It’s time for a new beginning and a fresh start. I don’t want the pandemic to prevent me from pushing back my plans further, or allow it to cause time to get away from me. It’s important that I take this step towards moving out for me.

 A second reason propelling my dismay comes from a realization that I had realized over the past weekend. I have a strong tendency to over give in a lot of the relationships I have. I went out of my way to plan something to do with my estranged friendship group from middle school, and I am not too pleased with how it went. In Boston, I didn’t have many friends nor did I engage in many social activities. One of the reasons I wanted to return back to this area is so I could hang out with my friends and resume social activities again. Earlier this summer, I started putting a lot of energy into hanging out and doing things with and for my friends. But after these two-three years of me being away, I’ve realized that some of my friend groups/dynamics are not the same. Honestly, I feel like a big part of the reason why I started hanging out a lot with my friends is because since my love life is not going the way that I want it to, I want to keep people around me a lot to avoid feeling lonely, to mask the loneliness. But I want to shed those feelings and really take the time to get into myself. One of the reasons I delayed grad school was because I really wanted to take space for myself to develop myself (Develop myself spiritually, mentally--develop my fashion, my interests, my personality, knowledge). This has made me realize that I want and need to feel more comfortable being alone, which is another reason why I think living alone would be good for my personal growth. Additionally, even though things didn't work out the way I intended them to with my partner earlier this Spring, that situation has finally taught me, after 24 years of age (8 years of dating), how I deserve to be treated and what qualities I want in a partner. Given this, I think I need to now branch out and truly get comfortable with being alone. Over the last couple of years, I have struggled with being alone and I realized that I will go run to go hang out with people to avoid that feeling, or I will spend my time being alone and wishing I laid up with a nigga. I want to truly embrace the idea of just truly being alone, and being happy and content. 

Sometimes I experience a weird sadness about me not following through with my previous academic plans, which causes me to feel like im a funk. I went to research conference today where my peers who have continued with their academic plans were present, I couldn’t help but feel a tinge bit of sad that I didn't continue mine. This month would have been the month I would be starting my PhD program if everything had went as planned. Although I realized this was not right for me, I am still kind of bummed in a weird way about it. I worked exceedingly hard and invested a lot of time and energy into this goal, and now that things haven't gone as planned and I have seemingly abandoned my PhD dreams, I feel a weird sense of sadness about it. I may be still interested in research, but honestly, I am not sure. From doing the AEA program twice, witnessing the AEA Climate Survey, surviving the Harvard program, and reading Claudia’s blog post, I feel kind an overwhelming sense of jadedness by this whole thing-- and now I cannot seem to make up my mind about an exact alternative career path or graduate degree. All I know is that I would really like to have a concrete plan once this job is over, because I am not getting any younger and I want to have security when it comes to my career goals by the time I approach my mid thirties. 

Now that I have just written a list of reasons why I am in a funk because I am not where I wanna be, I want to take just as much time to reflect on all the reasons why I am proud of myself. I am very proud of myself for landing my current job opportunity. It took me over six months of applying to land my current position, and there was several times over the course of those months where I was bogged down with anxiety and self-doubt crept it! Literally the day I got the offer, I was laying in bed CRYING because it was April and my program was going to end in May and I hadn't secured a reasonable opportunity yet. My God is good, and he for sure came right on time. Of course, there are some days where my performance anxiety at work is on high, but  really in those moments need to take a step back and praise him for granting me the opportunity to get a job in my field, with a nice salary, with nice people and meaningful, clear growth opportunities. I am so grateful, and I need to acknowledge this more as well as congratulate myself for this. Even though things didn’t go as planned with the whole PhD thing, I am EXACTLY where God wants me to be in my life, and that is a beautiful thing. I am proud of where I am, and I know this opportunity will give me the tools to make the best career decision for me moving forward. I am claiming it now. Honestly, this is my first time since I graduated undergrad where I feel like I can breathe. 

I am also proud of myself for giving myself the space to develop ME for ME. There is so much other parts of life and myself that I want to explore, and now that I am no longer suffocated by the pressures of academia, I am excited to dive in ! I recently hired a trainer, and started my own business! Being in grad school is a huge educational investment that comes at a cost. The stress of that program didn't leave time for me to dedicate to other parts of my life, which I realized I did not like. My twenties are my formative years. So yeah, it does suck to have invested so much time in doing all those things to be a perfect PhD applicant and then to not even apply to PhD programs lol, but I am soo proud of myself for listening to my gut, taking a step out on faith and choosing a different direction! It wasn't an easy decision at first, but I am excited about where this side business will take me, and I am happy that this will be a chance for me to explore my artistic side more! I have always had this side to myself, but never fully dived into it because of the lack of time and resources. So I am proud of using this space and time to unlock a new side of myself. I also think there will be a lot of personal growth opportunities that will come from being a small business owner, which I have confidence I can tackle and that it will make me more mature, and help develop sounder financial practices ! :)

I am super proud of myself for taking charge of my health!!! My weight is something I have always struggled with since elementary school. I was never particularly fat, but I was never as skinny as people like my sister and my cousins. From a young age, I internalized a sense of being uncomfortable with my body, which has followed me into adulthood. However it wasn't until the later half of high school when I started to develop some health problems as a result of my poor diet and lifestyle habits. My period has been irregular since 2012-2013, which I am sure was triggered by the anxiety I faced from switching schools, eating predominantly restaurant food from working at Charlestown, and having a poor sleeping schedule. After four years or random, scattered periods, I got diagnosed with PCOS in 2016. In 2017 I turned 21. I started drinking alcohol a lot more, causing me that fall to weigh in at my biggest size ever--over 180 pounds. Since the middle of high school, my weight had always been in the 160-170s range. That spring, I was able to get serious about diet and exercise and shed some pounds due to my leave from school. However, over the past two years in the Harvard program, I have not been able to manage my weight properly, causing me to explode to the biggest size I have ever been--195.. And im not sure what’s going on with my hormone production now, but I know my gut is a hot mess. (This spring I just got diagnosed with IBS.) Since the pandemic started, I have tried to work out consistently and eat a balanced diet. However over the last five months I have not seen many changes in my body which has been disappointing. This week on impulse, I made the decision to hire a trainer-- this is going to be the first step towards making some serious lifestyle changes for me and I am excited to get into the best physical shape I have ever been in! Regardless of the number on the scale, I really want to do this for the improvement of my overall health. I want to develop a healthier relationship with food (stop binge eating/seeking food as comfort) and I also want to train myself to not only eat out of boredom, or because food is available. I know developing this habits will help me develop more discipline! Also, I think our bodies as humans are capable of so much, and I really want to treat my body good so I can get the best use out of it ! I want to learn how to swim, I want to build endurance and start running, I want to be able to sustain my own body weight, and become proficient at aerial yoga! Also, sometime in the future I want to have kids and before this happens I want to already be in shape and be in the position to have a happy and healthy pregnancy. Being a mother is one of my biggest aspirations in my life ! I am hoping that this change to my lifestyle will support better hormonal health and regulate my menstrual cycle, which would actually help me get pregnant easier in the future. I am also tired of having all these stomach problems (indigestion, acid reflux, constipation, etc)--clearly something inside of me is inflamed and thats why I am having these issues. Overall, I am very proud of myself in taking these actions and I am excited to see how my body will look, how I will feel, and in what ways I can grow mentally and financially with my business ! 

One last reason why I am proud of myself is because I have been making small strides to become more money conscious. However, I know I can definitely improve in this area over the next couple of months, and it is important that I tackle this since I have my first real job, (plus a side business) and I want to live on my own. I have always struggled with managing my personal finances, so I am excited to learn tips and develop practices that will help me be smarter with my money. This is also very important to me because one day I would like to have a family, and I want to be able to provide for them. So it is important that I take the steps now to ensure that I am living below my means, and that I can set myself up to be financially comfortable and not cash strapped. 

I was inspired to write this post because I woke up one day in a sour mood about my current circumstances and the fact that I am seemingly not where I want to be and I felt down about it. But then I woke up the next day and realized how much I really had to be grateful for, and how proud I am of myself for all that I have accomplished throughout my life even with various obstacles I have encountered. God truly has favored me. Even through this crisis, God has found ways to bless me and I have taken actions to better myself. For that I am super thankful for. There are people that have lost their life and their livelihoods in 2020, but for some reason God still choose me to protect, and to take me to the next level. So I want to take this time to publicly thank him for all that he has done on the inside! Instead of focusing on the all the areas of my life that I am not too satisfied with, I vow to constantly cultivate a heart, mind and spirit full of gratitude and praise. 

Other short term goals I want to accomplish 

- Join a church home/integrate other practices into my life to develop my relationship with him in addition to keeping the prayer journal (reading the bible, starting a gratitude book)

- Take better care of my hair: be more consistent with protective styles, trims, and deep conditioning! 

- Read more books (I have watched too much TV this year lol) I especially want to read more books written by Black women and the experience of Black women!

-Try new hobbies (in addition to swimming, I want to go horseback riding, etc)

[its8simplejulesblog]

I Was A Really Inquisitive Kid

You know how the terrible twos are a thing? Well I was like that my entire life, but never in the destructive way. Instead, I was always getting in everyone’s business. Whenever my brother would do something I had to do it too. I had to explore everything, research everything, ask why why why why. When we went to Disney World when I was younger my parents would always put me on a leash because I would wander off (true story, it was a backpack that looked like a monkey. If you ask me I can fish up the picture later). I was always a listener, my parents said I was of very few words growing up. In fact, they said that the things I said most when I was first learning how to speak was, “me too” or some variation of “how come.” Essentially, the definition of a follower. Other kids always made up the rules and I took part. Now, that’s not to say that I didn’t have a mind of my own, it was just entirely internal. As I grew up I absolutely came into my own more. I did robotics and finally put a voice behind the thoughts. I think, deep down though, I’ll always be majority living in my own head. What’s so wrong with that? 

One of my favorite hobbies has always been reading. I can’t say that I have much time for it anymore, but the things you can learn from books are incredible. Now, I recognize that this sounds like a fake trope from a movie and the following is probably going to sound cringey as all hell so fair warning. I always felt like I was at home in a book. I didn’t only read fiction, but those were definitely my favorite. Once I started becoming more extroverted in highschool I started reading less and transferring all of my inquisitive energy from books to people. I am so fascinated by the way people just..are. I never really thought of it this way before, but really every conversation you have with someone is like an interview. Whether you know it or not, every time you talk to them you’re piecing together more and more of their identity. That’s incredible! And each individual is so complex that never could you say that you’ve entirely figured someone out. If you say that, you’re lying..and probably lowkey narcissistic because that’s impossible and I’m sure you’re not that talented haha. 

Someone that I’ve enjoyed talking to more than anyone over the years is my mom. She is THE person on this planet that knows more about me than anyone. It’s crazy to think that you can have someone like that, that so undeniably has your back all the time that you can trust them with anything. I think a lot of times we think we have that, but we don’t. So of course, be careful who you share stuff with. 

If ever you have the absolute honor of meeting my mother, you will immediately know why I speak so highly of her. She’s like me in the sense that we both have this vivacious passion to understand the why’s of the world. She is bubbly and fiery, as all redheads are required to be, but she never makes you feel lesser. She is inherently attentive to everything that everyone has to say and she is unconditionally accepting of everyone in our lives. I jokingly always say that our house is like my mom’s own adoption center because once she likes you you’re a part of the family (and you have to be a real douche canoe for my mom not to like you..there’s a few). 

My mom is often steadfast in her opinions, and states them openly and prideful, graceful when people oppose her. She is so well-spoken in every situation and not to hype myself up, but I like to think I developed that (or at least am working on it). She taught me to always be proud of myself, know my worth, and forgive in the toughest situations. She’s taught me about working hard and appreciating the people you love. She taught my about family and dealing with differences. She taught me that curiosity is a strength.

I think in my hardest times, when I’m lying in my bed thinking about..anything really, I try to dig deeper. I mentioned this before when I talked about A New Earth, but in everything in life, your emotions are only half of the story. Everything that happens to you is so much bigger than you realize. Every person you meet, there’s a reason. Sometimes I like to think about those reasons, and sometimes..it’s just not clear. We’re all meant for something, yes you, the little speck of dust, you’re meant for something too. 

I’m a big proponent of positive psychology. If you’re a cynical person, which subsequently I can be, stuff like this sounds like a load of bullshit..but the majority of the time this is what I like to base my life on. Essentially, it’s the belief that you are what you put out. If I believe that I am ___, then I am..simple as that. If my definition of success is making meaningful relationships with people around the world then let me tell you I am successful and only becoming moreso by the day. It’s all in the thought. Granted, I am also someone with depression so that’s a scary statement, but when I am able to rationalize and reign in the tornado that is my emotions, then I am more confident than ever. 

My mom taught me that I am my own worst enemy. On the days that I think that I am worthless I like to analyze why. If you pick apart your thoughts and get to the root cause, it’s doesn’t have as much of a hold on you as before. Lately, I’ve based my worth on my communication with my friends. In quarantine, it seems like that’s all we’ve got. If people aren’t talking to me then I’m boring or annoying or they straight up don’t like me. The likelihood of those things being true, probbbbbably slim to none, but in the thick of the thought you can convince yourself otherwise. 

If you’ve seen Frozen 2 (which if you haven’t, our friendship is on thin ice...omg wait I didn’t even mean for that to be a pun) then you remember that scene where Elsa is trying to lasso the water spirit and it literally kicks her to the bottom of the ocean and then she *spoilers* learns how to control it, well that’s how I view myself wrestling with my thoughts. 

At the end of the day, I’m lucky to have my mom: someone who has taught me so much about life in such a short amount of time, but I know that not everyone has that relationship with their parents, if they even have their parents around. That’s not to say that you can’t deepen the relationships you already have though. I know we can’t physically see people now, but I really encourage you to reach out to new people, it’s a really fun thing to do. 

It’s a nice balance between being in my own head and learning about the world around me at the same time. I’m an introvert in an extrovert skin, basically. Also, if you didn’t know, introversion and extroversion is actually based on your source of energy. If you say that people are extroverted just because they’re loud, that’s not necessarily true. If you go to a party and talk to everyone and dance and hug everyone and make everyone laugh and then go home and knock out and feel emotionally drained then not to diagnose, but you’re probably an introvert, sorry, I don’t make the rules. 

This post was supposed to be about being curious, just do it, learn something new each day. I have my mom to thank for telling me that, but now you can thank me. What it turned into, however, was a lot of a discussion about personality type. I figure that this blog will turn into a lot of psychological and sociological discussion too, because that’s my favorite thing, but that will have to wait. In the meantime though, if you’re curious and haven’t already taken it, I really suggest taking the Myers Briggs to learn more about your personal personality type: https://www.truity.com/test/type-finder-personality-test-new

They make you pay for the full report (rude) but if you’re curious, here are my top three personality types. 

ENFJ - The Teacher

VERY GOOD MATCH

ENFJs are idealist organizers, driven to implement their vision of what is best for humanity. They often act as catalysts for human growth because of their ability to see potential in other people and their charisma in leading others.

ENTJ - The Commander

VERY GOOD MATCH

ENTJs are strategic leaders, motivated to organize change. They are quick to see inefficiency and conceptualize new solutions, and enjoy developing long-range plans to accomplish their vision.

ESFJ - The Provider

GOOD MATCH

ESFJs are conscientious helpers, sensitive to the needs of others and energetically dedicated to their responsibilities. ESFJs like a sense of harmony and cooperation around them, and are eager to please and provide.

Anyway, curious to hear your responses. Love you all 

-Julia 

[gmarytherese]

Seasons of Life (22.11)

Facebook reminded me this morning that it has been a year since I posted about my fairy tale love story, a year since I decided to openly share about discerning my vocation and figuring out the path that God has willed for me. There was a lot of apprehension then as I contemplated if I should really share something so private and personal, and yet I have noticed that perhaps there is a grace in being able to cross the barrier in sharing vulnerably and openly with others.

As Stephen Wise once said,

“An unshared life is not living. He who shares does not lessen, but greatens, his life.”

The greatest fear I had in sharing about the decision to discern a religious vocation, was that I end up not becoming a religious. I didn’t want to be one of those individuals that people in church talk about; I didn’t want to be one of “those people” who say that they are discerning, but very quickly end up in relationships. I also didn’t want to be one of those who others say “Oh she must have just said that she’s discerning as an excuse for her singlehood and to buy time while waiting for the right guy to appear.”

This fear of judgement by others, and the fear of being wrong has always been a huge stumbling block for me not only in my spiritual life, but in all areas of my life. Funnily enough, I had to face these fears head on as my life seemed to spiral out of my control as the year went on.

Anyway, as unsure as I was about what the future had in store for me when I wrote the post last year, I sure wasn’t expecting to go through what I have gone through. It was a year of a lot of struggles, hurts, darkness and confusion; and yet, it was also a year of tremendous growth and only recently, clarity. The silver lining.

Someone recently told me that when we ask God to grant us humility, he gives us moments of humiliations; when we ask for a bigger heart to love, He places someone difficult to love in our lives. Although this may not always be true, it resonated with me as I look back on this year. I had asked God for clarity about my path in life, and instead, found my vision increasingly blurred as time went on.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make straight your paths.”

Proverbs 3:5-6

So, despite proclaiming to the world (or whoever reads my post) that Jesus has invited me to discern a religious vocation last year, I found my conviction slowly dying over time. Within a few weeks of posting that blog post, a guy who I knew by face and name from my school days popped back into my life.

[[ SEASON I ]]

He wasn’t just “any guy”, he was the guy that I had always felt was an ideal guy to be with. He was intelligent, down to earth, family oriented and most of all, God fearing. We went out and hit it off instantly - there was attraction and on the surface, it seemed like we were a perfect match for each other.

“Now… wait, aren’t I supposed to be discerning religious vocation! Why did my ideal guy just enter my life NOW? Why couldn’t he have entered my life before I felt that God might be calling me to religious life?? But, God must have played a hand in bringing us together so randomly, and also in allowing us to be attracted to each other!”

To say that I was confused would really be an understatement.

I struggled with the idea of entering into a relationship with this guy, right after experiencing the conviction that Jesus was calling me to be exclusively His. Was this a test from Christ to see if I was faithful, as in the case of Abraham and Isaac?

I couldn’t bring myself to believe that Jesus was testing me and my faithfulness to Him in such a way - my Jesus was a God of love, He wouldn’t just throw this test at me and then toss me aside if I fail! Would he?

Finally I decided to just give the relationship a shot.  

I wouldn’t know for sure whether this relationship is for me or not if I don’t at least try.

I told myself.

And with the start of the relationship, I put aside the possibility of a religious vocation (even though I constantly claimed that it was still a real possibility). The relationship was honestly like a dream and I was head over heels in love. Yet just a few months down, the relationship came to its end abruptly.

[[ SEASON II ]]

I was devastated and my heart was broken. Yet again, I felt as if God has failed me as with the other failed relationships I had been through. As I desperately tried to cling onto whatever dreams I had formed in my mind of a future together with this guy, I found my mind overwhelmed with many questions with God. I was fuming, confused, hurt and most of all, I felt betrayed by God.

“Why did he have to enter my life God? When I came to a place of wanting to discern religious vocation, why did he have to enter? Why did YOU bring him into my life? I didn’t go searching for him God. It had to be YOU. But why?”

As much as I tried, I couldn’t help but come to the same conclusion that I never did anything to invite this guy back into my life and that it has to be God’s hand. Yet, if the end was ultimately a breakup, my mind could not comprehend why God would make us meet again. As I allowed time to begin healing these wounds, I had also begun to allow time to allow me to slowly come to terms with the fact that I might never get an answer to these questions.

Now, I found myself at a new crossroads. Do I now seriously look at the possibility of discerning religious life? Or is that door now forever closed because I had already chosen once, to put that behind me and enter a relationship? I felt unworthy to begin thinking about the possibility of religious life, and I also didn’t want to make it seem as though religious life was my backup option. Relationship failed so go back to discernment.

[[ SEASON III ]]

“Though the mountains fall away and the hills be shaken, My love shall never fall away from you nor my covenant of peace be shaken says the Lord, who has mercy on you.

O afflicted one, storm-battered and unconsoled, I lay your pavements in carnelians, Your foundations in sapphires; I will make your battlements of rubies your gates of jewels, and all your walls of precious stones.”

Isaiah 54:10-12

I found myself at Seven Fountains retreat in Chiangmai about two months after the break up. By then, I had fooled myself into thinking that I was over the break up and had healed. Yet, away from all the distractions of the world and thrown into silence in the presence of God, the truths began to unveil itself.

(Photo: Seven Fountains Retreat, Chiang Mai)

The first night at retreat I sat in a dark chapel room in front of the Blessed Sacrament crying my eyes out. I had just read a passage given to me by the Spiritual Director and was unable to accept the words that God was trying to speak to me through this scripture verse:

“Because you are precious in my eyes, and honoured, and I love you.”

Isaiah 43:4

After hearing again and again by the different guys in my life that they loved me, and this was followed by a heart break, I found myself unable to believe God as well. I didn’t dare to trust in those three simple yet powerful words – I love you.

In my mind I knew that God’s love was different from any human love, but in my own heart, the hurts became scales over the eyes of my heart. And so I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed – and with that, I allowed that little bit more of healing to take place within my soul. Before I left the chapel to retire for the night, I scribbled in my journal

“I wish things were simpler Lord, I desperately want to be healed so that I can move on. I’m sorry that I’m taking so long. I’m back to where I started since D****’s heartache (previous guy) and that is that You are the only man who will not hurt me – you are the only man. If you truly want and are calling me to be yours alone, please Lord pursue me and don’t ever give up on me till I say yes. I pray that you will continue to mould me into a woman after your own heart.”

After that I went to sleep.

And let’s just say that God decided to speak to me very powerfully in the following days of the silent retreat. He spoke so loudly that no matter how much I would like to deny that God is inviting me to yet again discern being set apart exclusively for Him alone, I just cannot deny it.

“For the Lord has called you like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit, like a wife of youth when she is cast off, says your God.

For a brief moment I deserted you, But with great compassion I will gather you, In overflowing anger for a moment I hid my face from you, But with everlasting love I will have compassion on you Says the Lord, your Redeemer.”

Isaiah 54:6-8

(Photo: Mad and I after silent retreat!)

[[ SEASON IV ]]

I amaze myself again and again at how I never seem to learn from my past mistakes.

To think that I would have learnt to now really seriously and intentionally set out to discern a religious vocation after hearing from God so strongly of his pursuit of me at silent retreat, I again found myself retreating in the opposite direction.

Finding myself unable to deny the very real possibility that God is calling me, I found myself paralyzed with fear. This call was becoming too real, too quickly. At the same time, I had not fully come to accept that I may never get the answers as to why the relationship and breakup had to happen after I felt the call to discern. And so instead of trying to walk with Christ, I chose instead to run far away from Him.

I allowed myself to slip into a state of lukewarm-ness and indifference. I had even managed to convince myself that I can be happy living a superficial, materialistic and hedonistic life. I started to believe that I was happy just chasing after temporal pleasures. And as these little evils and moral-compromises started to creep into my life, my relationship with God grew further and further apart.

At that point in my life, I was frustrated and tired. I was frustrated that no matter how hard I tried to follow God’s will in my life especially in the last year, it somehow kept coming to dead-ends. In addition, it only seemed as though I was gaining more confusion and less clarity as time went on. I no longer knew what I wanted, and I could no longer tell if I was listening and discerning correctly. I was very frustrated, and exhausted.

Thankfully, a blessed friend spoke that truth into my life – that all that I was doing in this dark season, and my very conscious decision to regress into a state of indifference and lukewarm-ness about the faith, was merely a symptom and consequence to all that I had been through the entire year. The “cause” was my frustration of trying so hard to follow God’s will and finding myself failing again and again, the “symptom” was my slow decline into the dark abyss as my faith began to waste away.

A symptom merely serves to alert and to indicate that there is something going wrong beneath the surface, the symptom is not the problem itself.

“The Lord himself will lead you and be with you. He will not fail you or abandon you, so do not lose courage or be afraid.”

Deuteronomy 3:18

[[ SEASON V ]]

Then came October.

By then, I had been drifting through life, falling deeper and deeper into indifference as my relationship with God continued to weaken for at least 3 months and I wasn’t happy. Sure I had temporal pleasures afforded me in this season, yet I knew that I wasn’t at peace and joyful. Instead, I was filled with constant anger, jealousy and had to battle my insecurities incessantly. I became, ironically, even more lifeless as I found myself increasingly drained and exhausted.

Yet, it is true what they say. Once you have experience the love of Christ, no matter how far you try to run, you can never run beyond His reach.

“Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend to heaven, You are there;

If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the dawn, If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea, Even there Your hand will lead me, And Your right hand will lay hold of me.

If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, And the light around me will be night,” Even the darkness is not dark to You, And the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You.”

Psalm 139:7-12

It was in October that I attended my community retreat and was once again reminded of the love of God for me, of the many times that He has pursued me and also of the fact that He doesn’t reject me because of the countless times that I have failed Him. Instead, the truth of the matter is that He continues to love me and call me to Him. In short, he reminded me of the love that had began everything, and also of the new journey that I had started on at World Youth Day Poland in 2016.

It was humbling. Humbling to be reminded that His love and mercy is greater than my weaknesses. So funny how sometimes we make our weaknesses and shortcomings seem greater than the power of Christ’s mercy and love for us.

[[ SEASONS TO COME ]]

And so today as I reflect upon the past year since I made that public declaration that I was going to discern about a religious vocation, I am grateful. It was definitely a crazy year of ups and downs, of seeming dead-ends upon dead-ends and it was also an immensely painful year. Yet, through the year I see clearly how even in all my unfaithfulness and weaknesses, God has never once stopped being faithful. His love and mercy for me constantly amazes and overwhelms me as I continue this journey of seeking God’s will for my life.

I no longer want to kid myself that after this crazy year, it will be smooth-sailing. Instead, I am very much aware and ready for the roller coaster ride that I have got on, and which I will only get off when I pass from this earth to the next.

So meanwhile, stay tuned my friends, cause I don’t think it will be any less dramatic in the seasons to come. Meanwhile, I ask humbly for all of your prayers because I know that I am very in need of them and be assured that you are in mine too! :)

Also, can I just say that I am even more convinced after this year that a Christian can never think that it can just be “him/her and his/her sweet Jesus”? I have only made it and held on through the year because of the many treasures that God has blessed me with to walk this journey of faith with. I am immensely grateful for not only their presence, but their many many prayers and words of wisdom and advice, always reminding me of the true voices and to discount the false ones.

Praise God for the joys, the tears, the highs and the lows. <3

Amen!

[wildflower8281]

Getting Spicy - Saying No

Why the fuck do people think it’s ok to say yes to every freaking thing that comes their way, that is asked of them, that they’re invited to? I mean, it is ok if you enjoy living your life exhausted, sick and not spending most of your time actually doing the things that you love.

I’m inspired to write this post because recently I’ve had many a friend share with me their need to begin saying no to things – be that work decisions, personal life, etc. They have said yes over and over again and are finding themselves in an exhausting and uninspiring place. And they want out. And they are intuiting that saying no is the magic sauce to their escape plan. And it is.

I feel that in my life, I’m one of the rare people who is very ok, delighted even, with saying no and saying it often. Or just generally, knowing what not to take on and how to create a life with abundant free time and very little commitments that I don’t really enjoy. Why am I like that? How did I get this way?

I’ve figured it out.

One hashtag: #nunlife

I realized that my freedom and ease with which I can say no now is because for close to 8 years, I freely gave up ownership of my time. Time was no longer mine and I simply spent it however “God ordained” my day to be spent: prayer, study, cooking, teaching, cleaning, driving, etc. It just was not mine to spend. In some ways, that made certain things easier – I didn’t have to think and choose how I would spend my time or with whom. I simply followed the schedule and did as my superiors asked me to do. Period. So, from age 22 to age 30, I said yes to everything, always. Because if I didn’t, I would not be “doing God’s will” for me. It was that clear and simple. (#brainwashed much?)

Now, my thoughts on religious life as a whole are for an entirely different post (would you like to know them?...Actually, there are a bunch of posts about it on my blog already, but I can write more!)…but to stick to this topic -  what happened to me personally after 8 years of only saying yes? I found myself miserable, in my (shared) room crying daily, not eating or wanting to be with my community of sisters or be with people anymore or ever again. I was utterly broken, exhausted and burnt out on every single level, especially mentally and emotionally. All my circuits for bearing the things of life were broken. I never smiled. It was the lowest I’d ever been – dark and lost. Granted, my case is somewhat unique, but I wouldn’t say all that rare, honestly! (Any former SSVM can attest to the lifestyle!)

Clearly, I should have seen the signs sooner.....

and decided to leave sooner, but I was in denial and it wasn’t until I literally could not anymore, that I spoke up and said my time here is done. I’m going home. Just speaking that out loud opened something in my being, and it began to give me my Light and power back.

Fast forward a few weeks and months (Fall 2011,) and find Kelly in awe at what a ‘weekend’ feels like!!!! Two full fucking days to do whatever the fuck I want! (I didn’t say fuck back then though 😉) And that is still how I feel about free time! In the convent, we did not have free time to do whatever we wanted, rarely ever, honestly. We did not have weekends. Both Saturdays and Sundays were often filled with works of service...

 teaching, being in Church, etc. Even “Free Time” was structured and often we used it to catch up on tasks (because we were overworked and over-scheduled, like most of America) like doing the dishes, setting the table, laundry, studying or prepping classes, showering (yes, there are certain times allotted for showering) or calling home. Free Time was RARELY really free and there was always a set end time. So, for those of us who need solitude, who need to write or draw, walk or read alone, we would scrape together 15 minutes sometimes to be alone to do that thing that restored us…we would find a corner in the convent our just huddle on our bunk bed and revel in the few small moments we had to reconnect with ourselves, to give ourselves that precious time that our souls needed to remember who we are and what we love to do.

Then the bell rings. (Sound shady?!)

And it’s all over and we go back to the scurrying about of tasks, of serving, of prayer time and structured life until next Sunday afternoon, maybe.

So, needless to say, I guard my free time like a wolf guards her young…pretty fucking fiercely. And people have given me shit about it or they just don’t understand how I can be so sweet, and also so easily say no. And it’s really only because it’s been in my free time that I have been able to re-discover myself post-convent. I was Sr. Lumen for 8 years. The identity I formed of myself during my formative years was as ‘Nun-Religious-Servant of Christ.’ Welp, I had walked away from that and found myself in an interesting point at age 30 – Who the hell am I out here? Who is KellySue? What is she like? What does she like & do? Only in my free time was I able to reach inside and find KellySue again. It’s in my free time when I found art, when I began to paint and write, and read regular books that opened my mind. It was in my free time that I began exploring yoga, getting to know my body for the first time. It’s been in my free time that I’ve been able to wander in nature for hours, to hike and be moved by creation. It’s been during my free time that I’ve been able to make dates with friends who light me up, to hang out with whoever I please, to laugh and not have a schedule or a bell hanging over my head, ready to end it all. My free time has given me space to find me, be me and grow me. It has given me space to find ease, happiness and fullness of Life. Aside from a magical web of insane Love from family and friends, Free Time has been the biggest Gift I’ve ever received upon returning home from the convent. In more hip lingo: I’m Free Time’s bitch.

I think it’s only when something has been taken away from you and then returned, that you can appreciate it at the highest level. You all – Readers - have always had time. It’s always been yours to spend however you wanted.  Maybe you’ve made shitty choices and not spent it well or not formed the best habits with your free time. Maybe you’ve chosen to be a parent and freely chosen to give your free time to your creation. Those of us who chose religious life (or any type of lifestyle that is structured for us) freely gave up creating our own lives for a time, and freely gave up ownership of time. For a huge chunk of my formative young life, time was just not mine to spend. And I’m very ok with that and actually grateful that I spend most of my 20s not putting myself first, but rather in service to others, helping, being with children, immigrants, the elderly and the sick, getting to travel, living with dozens of sisters from all over the world, spending time in prayer. I really am grateful and ok about it. Obviously, there were pros and cons to the whole gig. It’s just that my being really suffered from having no say in my life and specifically she suffered from not being able to do the things that light her up, and so ironically, I lost my light (my religious name Lumen means Light.) And I think, sadly, many people today lose their light (aka: their truest self) by not learning the grace and wisdom of saying no.

I hold it so tightly – the freedom to say no – because I lived through the misery and darkness that comes with finding yourself huddled inside a life that is none of your choosing, that is nothing that you love and all that is heavy and burdensome to you. I found myself there and never, ever want to find myself there again. And the way I make sure of that is by saying no to all the things that I need to. And if you want to give me shit about it, that’s cool. I say no to:

Ø  People that drain my energy – I just don’t engage much and I definitely do not hang out with them. I’ve learned to gauge this very quickly and make a hard line about it. What helps me is remembering the feeling I get when I am with someone who drains me, who complains, who just has negative energy or is all about themselves all the time. Those feeling-memories help me to be like – Nope, don’t want to be in this presence any longer than I have to. Don’t even want to engage, unless I have to. Period. Moving on. Nothing personal, just my time is worth everything to me, so I don’t waste it if I don’t have to.

Ø  Social gatherings – either for work or play – where there will be a lot of people, most of whom I don’t know. This is just me – I’m usually uncomfortable and anxious at parties and bar mixer type things, so I just don’t go. Unless it’s mine of course! 😉 In the convent, we had to socialize all the time, with everyone. Surprisingly, aside from a few hours of prayer, a lot of our time as missionaries was out with the people, socializing, working side by side. People expect young, happy nuns to be chipper and friendly. Try 8 years of that as an INFJ Introvert. Yep, over that shit, thanks. I’m giddy to spend a Friday nite at home, on my couch with my Spanish Netflix, thanks.  

Ø  Extra work responsibilities that are not mine and that will take away from my normal responsibilities. I just say no. Sure, I’ll take on smaller extra things that I know I can handle or even temporary situations, but I don’t say yes to big extra projects or basically things that aren’t mine. Hire a new staffer or give it to someone more appropriate. I love us, what we do and I cannot do my job well and keep up the magical, amazing quality of timely work that I do if you want me to take on random X, Y and Z also. I know my limits and have boundaries even within my work and I’m not afraid to make them known. I guard my work like I guard my time. Fiercely. I don’t do half-assed shit. I’m a Virgo and analytical as hell. I give you the most detailed, edited, reports and work. You put more on my plate and that all goes to hell and I become a bitch because I’ve let you take away what I need to work my magic. And then I leave. So, it’s in everybody’s best interest to not to that. I LOVE, LOVE what I do, who I do it for and why I do it. I’d love to keep it that way 😊 So I say no. (Thankfully, I have superiors who generally get me and understand and don’t fire me when I say no. At least not yet!)

Ø  Putting in lots of extra work hours. I work 8:40-5ish and I walk out that door. Even if my inbox still has 45 new emails. I leave it there. I’m pretty fucking great at prioritizing and getting shit done that I need to in a day, and in a week. I trust myself that I will get done what needs to get done in a week. I will not find joy in staying another 2 hours to respond to those emails. I leave work when I should, hop on my bike and fly home happy to enjoy the next few hours however I please!

These are just some main examples that are in the forefront, that I make a hard line about because, as cliché as it sounds, I’ve learned the hard way. Again, when you’ve lost something and then found it again, you treasure it all the more. And when you’ve learned a lesson by real life experience, you really learn it.

So, I’m happy to be the Guru of Saying No and I’m happy to encourage you to do so. I truly believe that if we all let go of the old fucking paradigms of being the martyr, keeping others happy by saying yes and saying yes to tons of shit we dred doing, that we’d be a much happier and much healthier people. Plus, none of us would take it personally, because we’d all realize that we’re just trying to live a life we love and enjoy. And who doesn’t want that?!

What do you say yes to that you dred?

Who are you afraid to say no to? Why?

Have you ever said no and then felt a burst of freedom and lightness? How can you do more of that?

(All of this to say that I know that Life sometimes brings you responsibilities that you simply cannot turn away…family stuff, health stuff, friend stuff…Be a faithful friend, be a faithful daughter or son, and take care of your body. That stuff is no joke and there is a lot of soul medicine right there too, in those situations that you simply cannot turn away from. The Universe has your back and knows.)

[rememberstilinski]

this sucks || isaac lahey

word count: 3680

warnings: none

prompt: “At birth, everyone has the date they will die tattooed on their arm. I was supposed to die yesterday.”

author’s note: posted before, but my old blog was deleted. here ya go! oh, and i got all the vamp stuff from the vampire diaries.

Death. It's an unstoppable force of nature. It was also something everyone in our world greeted with open arms. We feared it, yes, but we welcomed it when the time arrived. That's why we have the small tattoo on our wrists. The date you would meet your end. The date of your death was perfectly written in black cursive.

When you come into this world, you have one purpose. That's to live your life and live it to the fullest. I would forever remember the words my mother always told me, “live life with grace and beauty.” For us, it didn't matter how long you lived. Most people lived long and healthy lives, surely going into their 70’s and 80’s. Me, I would only live until I was 17.

There was no way of telling how you would be taken out of this world or who would take you out. I didn't know that my death would be because of a supernatural creature. I didn't know that when I died I would leave behind a boyfriend and a pack.

The latest supernatural threat rolling through Beacon Hills was a group of vampires. I'd never once thought that there would be vampires in the world, but since werewolves are real, I guess anything is possible. Our pack was dealing with them, but we knew nothing of this species, so we were extra careful with these beings. The McCall pack consists of myself, Scott, Stiles, Lydia, Allison, Malia, Kira, Liam, and my boyfriend, Isaac Lahey.

Days leading up to my death, the once dark ink on my skin was beginning to fade. Isaac was deeply concerned and didn't let me leave his side. The day that I was supposed to die was worse. He kept his eyes on me at all times. I get that he didn't want to let me go, but it was inevitable. It was going to happen no matter what.

We'd spent the night together, absorbing the warmth that radiated from our bodies one last time, before I was gone. Other than that, the day continued on as normal. The pack was planning something big, that could potentially get the vampire problem figured out. I went along, not letting my fate be a handicap.

The vampires had been all over town. They looked like normal people and walked around in sunlight. You wouldn't have been able to single them out unless you knew their scent. The smell of death and the cold air that surrounds them.

The pack realized most of them had taken up residence in Derek's building. Derek kept the building empty, but he'd been gone for a while so he didn't know who was there. We all went, prepared to fight. I may have been human, but I was a hunter. Strong and intelligent. Brave and determined.

Isaac and I were currently waiting for the rest of the pack to show up. We sat in my car, waiting for Stiles’ jeep or Scott’s bike to come into sight. For this mission, Allison and I would be teamed up. It was usually Isaac and I, but I denied because he would be distracted.

“Be safe today.” Isaac reminded me. I looked from the entrance of the parking lot to the curly haired boy sitting next to me. He was looking the same way I was, eyes squinted because the sun was in his eyes.

“I always am. You know that.” I said softly. Isaac’s gaze moved to me. His normally bright, blue eyes were dull and sad. Small specks of grey along his iris. That was a color in his eyes I'd never seen. All the time I've spent looking into his eyes and I'd never once seen any grey. There was usually specks of green or even orange, but never that grim color.

“You know what today is, Y/N.”

“I do. I'm okay with it, Isaac. You should be too.”

His eyes widened. “Okay with it? How could I possibly be okay with you leaving me?” He exclaimed, turning to me. He grabbed my hands and continued staring into my eyes. “With you dying?”

“I know, baby. I don't want to leave. But I can't stop it. It's inevitable, Isaac.” I cupped his strong jaw.

“I don't want to let you go, Y/N. I don't want you to die. I'm not me without you.” His slight accented voice broke.

My free hand moved to his chest, right over his heart. “Then keep me in here. Keep me in you heart.”

“I love you, Y/N. So, so much.” His broken voice muttered.

“I love you too, Lahey.” I mumbled, but he hear clear as day. At my words, I felt his heart rate increase under my palm. I loved seeing that I could make his pulse raise in this way. I pulled him in for a kiss.

His soft pink lips caress mine in the passionate movement filled with love as our eyes flutter shut. When he ran his lip over my lip in an attempt of entrance, I granted. My hand gripping the fabric of his white t-shirt tight. The feeling of his tongue running moving against mine sending chills down my spine and causing goosebumps to rise on my warm skin.

Isaac’s cologne filled my nose. The simple yet pleasing smell addicting and comfortable. A smell that would forever be my favorite. I wouldn't ever forget this particular smell. It was all over my sheets and on every single piece of clothing I owned.

We broke the kiss, needing air to fill our lungs once again. My eyes slowly opened and I saw him staring back at me, his signature smirk planted on his beautiful face. I smiled, biting my lip.

“You take my breath away.” I breathed out.

“Good.” His smirk still on his face as he placed a couple pecks on my lips. There was a knock at my window, startling the both of us. I turned around and saw the familiar face of my best friend, Allison.

She smiled and gestured for us to come with her. Isaac and I stepped out of the car and rounded to the trunk. I popped the hood, grabbing my wooden bullet gun. The bullets were laced in vervain, an herb that was similar to wolfsbane. I placed one of them behind my back and tucked it under my shirt. I grabbed the crossbow that would shoot out wooden stakes and made sure I had enough. Sticking a couple in my jacket, I closed the trunk and head over to the pack.

“Everyone knows the plan?” Scott asked, looking around for any uncertain expressions. I looked around and only saw determination and preparation on everyone’s face. Scott nodded and gestured to follow into the building. All the humans had vervain in their system, it would keep the vampires from killing anyone by drinking their blood.

I took my place by Allison and we walked up the stairs. She held her bow and had a bundle of arrows on her back. One arrow was placed on the bow, ready to shoot when the opportunity presented itself. I held my gun out and my grip was tight. “Stay by me.” Allison said suddenly.

I looked to her and rolled my eyes. “Did Isaac say something to you?”

Allison stopped walking and faced me. “No, Scott did. The date on your wrist is fading. You’re going to die soon. We can’t let you get hurt.” Her voice sympathetic and caring.

“Allison, you know it’s gonna happen anyway. This is something we have no control of.” I looked into her eyes. They were teary and full of hurt.

“I know.” Her voice broke. “I can’t stand losing you. I can’t lose my best friend.” She cried. I pulled her into a hug, the tears now filling my eyes.

“Don’t cry. You’ll make me cry.” I sniffled.

“I can’t help it. I’m gonna miss you so much. I mean, it has always been me, you, and Lydia.” Allison whispered in my ear. I closed my eyes and hugged her tighter.

“I love you, Allison. You were like the sister I never had.” After a few seconds, we pulled away and wiped our tears.

“I love you, too, Y/N.” I sent a smiled to her and she sent one back to me. We continued walking down the hall, weapons still in hand. All of a sudden, we heard a bang. The two of us turned around, eyebrows furrowed.

Then a blur raced pass up. I quickly turned around, and took the safety off my gun. Allison and I walked backwards toward each other, backs eventually pressing together. “Are you ready?” I asked, my voice shaky.

“Yeah. Are you?” Allison replied.

“You know it.” I smirked, ready to fight and be badass as always. The blur, got closer and it was shaped as a person. We knew that vampires moved fast, but we had an upper hand with the vervain laced bullets and arrows.

I felt the person push me into the wall, and heard Allison grunt. I only assumed that the same thing happened to her. I opened my eyes and saw my gun was on the other side of the hallway. Allison stood up and walked towards her bow, slowly; probably still in pain from the push.

Suddenly, a hand gripped my arm. I looked up and was meant with a man. The usual white in a person’s eyes was replaced with red, his pupils blown up and taking over the iris. Veins surrounding the skin, making them red and appear swollen. He flashed his white fangs. The sharpness of the teeth made me nervous. He pulled me up forcefully and held me against his chest.

“Ah, the hunters.” His accented voice said. “I’ve heard all about you guys. Argent and Y/L/N, I presume?” He only needed one arm to hold me close due to his strength.

Allison advanced towards us, bow and arrow in hand. “We’ve heard nothing of you. What’s your name?”

The man gasped, “How rude of me! I didn’t even introduce myself. My name is Christian. Christian Norwood.”

“Wish we could say it was nice to meet you.” I said, venom laced in my words. His hand suddenly moved to my throat, gripping tight and restricting my airflow.

“Well, it’s lovely to meet you. Especially someone has breathtaking,” at the word, his hand squeezed tighter. “as yourselves.”

“Let her go!” Allison demanded. My hands flew to his hands, trying to pry his fingers from my throat, but it was no use.

“I’d rather not.”

“I said let her go!” Allison yelled, her bow in full preparation to shoot. She pulled the arrow back further.

“As you wish.” I heard the smirk in his voice. As if all time stopped, Christian bit into his wrist, drawing blood and bringing the blood to my mouth. I closed my lips tight, but he forced his wrist over my mouth and my mouth unwillingly opened. I felt the warm, rustic tasting liquid on my tongue, soon after feeling it travel down my throat. Without any warning, he snapped my neck.

“No!” Allison screamed, the tears falling down her face. The same time Allison screamed, I heard a very high-pitched voice scream my name. Lydia.

“You said let her go.” Christian spoke nonchalantly, letting my body fall from his grip and to the cold, hard cement floor.

Third Person Point of View

He took off and left the two girls in the hallway alone. Allison quickly ran to her best friend’s body. She dropped to the floor, leaving her bow next to her. The huntress brought the body into her arms. “No! No, what did he do to you?” Allison sobbed. A pair of running footsteps began echoing among the walls. Allison turned and saw Isaac standing in the entrance of the hall.

“How did you know?” Allison asked, tears falling down her high cheekbones.

“I-I heard her he-heart stop b-b-beating.” Isaac stuttered. He slowly walked to the body of his true love. He saw the crimson liquid sitting around her lips, and dropping onto her shirt. His knees gave in when he listened for any trace of a beating heart and heard nothing. Her heartbeat was usually steady, but when he walked into the room, it sounded like a sledgehammer against her chest.

Isaac took her body from Allison holding her in his strong embrace. “No, baby. Please don’t leave. Don’t leave. Come back.” He sobbed. His hand went to her cheek and he stroked her cheekbone. “I was supposed to be with you. You were supposed to go easy.”

Isaac’s head slowly turned toward Allison and saw that her face was in her hands. “I’m sorry, Isaac. I’m so so sorry. Scott told me to keep her safe, and I failed. I failed Scott. I failed you. I failed her.” Allison sobbed, her voice muffled by her palms.

“Allison, I need you to tell me what happened.” Isaac’s voice broke. She looked up, and her eyes were swollen. Isaac was sure he looked the same.

“We were walking down the hall and one of them pushed us against the wall, but he took Y/N in his arms and started choking her.” Allison noticed his jaw clench at the mention of her being choked, but she continued anyway. “I-I told him to let h-her go, but he dug his fangs into his wrist and shoved the blood down her mouth, then he snapped her neck.”

Isaac looked from Allison to Y/N. Her hair was disheveled, but her skin somehow looked flawless. He continued stroking her cheek, and staring at her. He wouldn’t ever be ready to let her go. Scott ran into the hall, but stopped when he saw Y/N laying in Isaac’s lap and Allison letting out choked sobs. “I-is she--” Scott began, but what was cut off by Isaac.

“Yeah.” Isaac’s voice cracked. He looked up to the alpha. “How did you know?”

“I heard Lydia scream.” Scott whispered. “Take her to the house, we’re done here.”

“Scott, she’s gone. Shouldn’t we be taking her to the hospital?” Allison asked in a whisper, still looking at her best friend’s body.

“Isaac needs time with her.” Scott told her before looking back to the curly haired boy. Isaac nodded and mouthed a thank you. Isaac scooped the body of his girlfriend in his arms and carried her out of the building and to her car. He put her in backseat, and gave her a kiss on the forehead before closing the door.

Isaac made his way back to the McCall household and took her body to the living room, setting her on the couch carefully. Even in death she looked peaceful, and somehow still full of life. Her skin was still the warm and toned color it was before, showing no signs of decay. Isaac didn’t think of the fact that she looked more asleep than dead, he just thought of how every memory with her is now just that; a memory.

There would be no more dates. No more goodnight kisses. No more good morning texts. No more spending the night together. There wouldn’t be anymore cuddles and hugs. There would be no more of her. The relationship was gone, and there was no way to get it back.

Isaac sat on a chair by the couch staring at her. The pack came back after about an hour of Isaac being there alone. Everyone came back. Isaac appreciated the support and was happy to have them there, but he just wanted to cry. He just wanted to cry and stay in her company. Isaac didn’t want anyone to eventually tell him that he needed to let them take her. The time never came. Isaac didn’t know whether he thought time was moving slower, or the pack didn’t want to let her go either, but he was happy to keep her longer.

After continuously staring at her with tear stained cheeks, he began to hear something. He heard another heartbeat in the room. It was faint, but surely there. He perked up from his hunched position, trying to get a better listen at the beating. Everyone in the room noticed his movements. Stiles began to say something, but was cut off by Isaac. “Isaac, are you--”

Isaac held out his finger, telling Stiles to be quiet. Isaac looked down to Y/N. Her hands were resting on her stomach, and her hair flowed over her shoulders, spreading across the pillow. In a way, she looked better. Her skin looked brighter, having a natural glow. The color of her hair somehow looked more vibrant, as if she had just dyed it.

“Guys, do you hear that?” Isaac heard Malia’s voice ask.

“Another heartbeat.” Liam said. So they did hear it, too.

“What does that mean?” Malia asked.

“I don’t know.” Scott said, furrowing his eyebrows.

Lydia and Allison’s looked to the girl on the couch. They noticed everything Isaac did. Her hair, her skin, everything. “Look at Y/N.” Lydia said.

Everyone in the room looked to Y/N. Her eyes were still closed, but her mouth was open slightly and she looked perfect. They all thought so. She was a naturally beautiful girl, but she looked really different. Everything that was already appealing to the eye about her looked better and more defined.

“Why does she look like that? Shouldn’t her skin be a little discolored?” Kira asked, trying to grip the fact that something was out of place.

“She looks perfect.” Malia whispered. Isaac nodded to himself, in agreement with Malia. Suddenly her chest started moving up and down as if she was breathing.

“What the hell?” Isaac whispered.

Y/N’s Point of View

I felt my eyes shoot open, and as soon as they did, I took a big gasp of air. My lungs burned, as if I had been holding my breath for a long time and I was just now getting air. My body shot up from where I was laying. I could feel my breathing was heavy, and I felt my heart pounding against my chest. I could hear not only my heart beating, but I could hear a whole room of heart beats and blood rushing through veins.

I looked around and saw I was in Scott’s house. I was laying on the couch, and they were all standing in the living room. Every single pair of eyes were wide open, and shock took over every single one of their faces. I saw another figure in the corner of my eyes, so my gaze moved there. It was Isaac. His blue eyes were wide with shock, and his mouth was slightly parted.

“What’s going on? What happened?” I asked, standing up from the couch. “Where is he? W-where’s Christian? Where’s the vampire?” I panicked, I didn’t want him to come get me. Not after what he did.

“He’s not here. He can’t get you anymore.” Isaac assured, he stepped closer and pulled me into his warm embrace.

“What happened to me? Why can I hear your heart beating? Why can I hear the blood rushing through your guys’ veins?” I asked, scared of the answer.

“You can hear everything?” Lydia asked me.

“I can smell it, too.” Isaac pulled away and looked at me with furrowed eyebrows. He brought his thumb to my top lip and pushed it up, so he could inspect the inside of my mouth.

“Lydia, come look at this.” Isaac whispered loud enough for Lydia to hear. She walked over to the two of us and looked at my teeth.

“Isaac, my teeth hurt.” I cried, tears stinging at my eyes. “My whole mouth hurts. My head hurts.” Isaac let my lip down and looked at Lydia. He pulled me back into his embrace, my tears falling onto his shirt.

“What was it?” Liam asked. “What’s wrong with her teeth?”

“Her gums are swollen. And…” Lydia sighed, not sure how to finish the sentence. She looked to me, a small frown on her face. I realized what was going on. The new hearing, the new ability to smell everything, a pounding headache. Christian killed me. But I’m not dead, so that means he turned me. I’m a vampire.

“I have fangs.” I finished for Lydia. She sucked her lips under her teeth. “I’m a vampire.” I whispered. I softly pushed myself away from Isaac, afraid I might hurt him.

“Yeah. You died with his blood in your system, you’re a vampire.” Allison remembered. Suddenly I felt sick to my stomach, but I wasn’t sure if that was because of the nervousness or the hunger.

“Well, what do we do?” I asked, chewing on my bottom lip anxiously.

“We’ll help you.” Scott said, finality in his voice. Everyone nodded.

“No. No, what if I hurt one of you? What if I kill someone? How will I walk outside during the day?”

“Yeah. We’ll get Deaton to make you a ring that allows you to walk in the sun.” Stiles offered, soft smile on his face.

“We’ll find a way for you to control your thirst.” Kira nodded.

“We’ll help you.” Lydia said.

“You’ve got us, Y/N. You always will.” Isaac smiled. “You’ve got me. Always and forever.”

“I guess I’ve gotta take that forever seriously now, don’t I?” I said, taking a deep breath. I looked down the wrist where the date usually was. It was gone now. The date was completely faded, but something had replaced it. A small circle within a big circle. I didn’t get what it meant until I remembered. It was the same tattoo Scott had on his arm. This was the symbol of our pack.

I smiled at the newly placed ink, and touched it with my fingers. I looked up from my wrist and everyone was looking back at me with hopeful smiles. “Okay.” I whispered, smiling at the pack. “Let’s do this.”

[mxdmax]

Follow Forever (2k Followers)

So recently I reached over 2,000 followers pretty quick. So I’m going to list my favourite people here on TumbleWeed with a special message. Please don’t be upset if you’re not on this. I love my mutuals but I want this to be for those who’ve personally become much more than a mutual. So here we go (alphabetical):

@ajgemmell21o1 : Thank you for being here with me since pretty much the beginning. For letting me share my story with you as you did with me :) we aren’t super duper friends but you are more than just a mutual to me. Thank you for brightening up my life a little bit more with your existence on my dash!!

@ashy-le-mashy : Ash, Ashy Bear. What can I say? You girl are one beautiful and talented human being that I have been blessed to meet. All the struggles last year brought I am so glad I could be there just to lend a hand out to you. Thank you for wanting to get to know me, talking to me and just being the beautiful you that you are. I will always be here for you no matter what!! Keep doing what you are doing lovely. Because what you’re doing is spreading so much happiness into this world that we need more of. Life isn’t easy but you’re a fighter.

@asyasyakura : To this beautiful sister right here, Asalamu Alaykum! Thank you for always spreading smiles and positivity into my life. You are one of the cutest sister I’ve met and your smile just lights up my heart. May Allah continue to grant you ease and reward you for the good you are putting out into this awful world. May we meet one day in Jannah. 

@bichaelwheeler : Thank you for our conversations and the cuteness that is your whole existence!! For calling me the moon that one time and making me smile when I didn’t feel like it on certain days. We don’t talk much anymore but you’ve made a stamp on my heart and I will always consider you such an amazing friend!!

@byeers : Liz, my lil donut. You are such a wonderful friend!! Thank you for allowing me into your life and just letting me be there for you whenever you were in a time of need or comfort. Not a lot of people would be so easy to let some stranger help them out. You are so talented, strong, beautiful and kind. Your writing ability astounds me. Your creativity that you’ve put out onto the internet that I’ve been able to read or view is a blessing. Your strength to push on through your struggles at home and school inspire me so much. Thank you for being my friend and for letting me into your life. I truly admire and love you.

@cherrysconesandtea : Jay. omgosh, Jay. You are one magical and adorable human being. Human? Hmm you seem more than that to me. I don’t know much about you personally but I do know you as a friend who’ve I’ve gotten to know about (interests ect). I can tell that you’ve been through a lot but you’ve allowed it to shape you into someone who is so full of kindness and caring towards others. This I admire so much. You create your own path, you push on through, you conquer the struggles this life offers. You are someone I admire greatly for just how you treat others. I love you so very much!!

@eggogorgon : Blake. Blakepedia and also Blaketopia (coming soon 2020). Thank you for sharing all of the memes, being a source for all the memes and just living your meme life. You have been the reason for so many laughs and smiles I have produced on this silly face of mine. I am in awe of your natural talents with this new found gif making. Your edits have me in awe. Never stop doing them!! Keep being the amazing you Blake :) 

@elevnns : To the beautiful blue. Keep being the amazing you. Thank you for the multiple deep convos where we have been able to connect and share. Oh boy oh boy you are one tough cookie with a soft exterior and interior. With the right amount of tough in between to send the bad bouncing away. You’ve a lot to conquer still but I can see you pushing through. You are a grace that walk this earth. You don’t understand your overall beauty and softness that all of us else see but one day maybe you will, I hope so. Keep pushing on, keep being the strong and soft you :) I am always here for you, Oh and I expect to see you get over to hobbiton and send all of the pictures :’)

@flea-and-the-acrobat: Sam, HEY!!! Oh wow what can I say about you? Um ... just that you are flipping amazing!! I have been so blessed to have stumbled upon your existence in this world that is Tumblr. Wow. I love talking to you. There’s never a dull moment and you are such an interesting, uplifting and intriguing person. I love how excited and happy you get over things that are your passion. I’m always so eager and happy to talk to you when we are awake and online at the same time :D Never change the unique you!!

@fortheloveofeggos: Lauren omgosh. Honestly you are a blessing to see on my dash! I love you personality so much!! You are a walking and living aesthetic :) We aren’t very close in terms of talking and getting to know one another but you are a part of my life, you are my friend and someone I would miss if you ever just randomly disappeared. Thank you for always showing me kindness. Especially when I’m being silly and gushing over how amazing of a human being you are. I love you so so much :) keep being yourself. I love and admire how you keep trying different things with your hair and I love your style :D

@hothmess : Thank you for being the beautiful you :) I’ve loved being able to just talk with you whether it be about ST, Reylo, personal things ect. You’re worth so much more than how anyone has ever treated you. I honestly wish I could just see you in person and give you the biggest hug. I love how despite the past you’ve been able to push through the bad side of tumblr that’s been pushed onto you. I love how we could connect over such simple things. I admire your strength and how beautifully unique you are compared to others I have met on here. I wouldn’t want you any other way :)

@icywinchester: Keeley!!! Thank you for sticking around with me since the beginning :) yeah you’re blog has changed but I still love knowing and seeing you on my dash :D I do worry sometimes that you’re not feeling the happiest. I notice your posts and wonder. But you’ve shown me in different way just how you’re managing to just push on through life. I think you’re just one of the few people who just gets it. That despite life being sucky sometimes that there’s more out there to be admired and explored and living for. Maybe I am totally wrong and read wrong but I just get those vibes from you. Keep being the amazing and beautiful you lovely <3

@promiseleven: Oh hey there the beautiful Kyy!! Oh wow. I could go on and on about you :) but all in a good way of course. Honestly I want to just take you away from this cruel world, wrap you in a blanket, pop on a movie and protect you forever. You are such an adorable lil angel. There is none out there worthy enough of you and your golden heart. I love being able to talk to you and it’s been amazing having you as one of my friends :) I wish I could give you the world but that would never be enough for what you deserve. 

@protectmike: Cait :) Ahhh the makeup queen who can do such beautiful art work on simply just her face!! Gosh you are naturally such a beautiful being but I love seeing even more of your personality and happiness come to life when you put on your makeup. I love the passion and joy it brings you. You are such a funny, caring and bright girl. I also want to whisk you away from everyone and protect you. You are deserving of much more than what you’ve been handed in life but I can’t ignore that the bad leads us to the good. Despite wanting to always protect you and never have you cry again. Thank you for giving me so many smiles and laughs. I love your stories and your cute accent!! Ahh you are such an amazing friend and I wish this year treats you better <3

@raesberri: RAE BEAR!! LOVE OF MY LIFE!! PRINCESS!!! AHHH!!! Thank you for being a blessing ot my whole entire flipping existence! I love you so so much :) You are such a cute little aesthetic muffin and I adore you with my whole heart. I love being able to message you and Reeda everyday.  You’ve been a bright light in my life ever since I met you. One day I wish we can meet and I can give you all the hugs you deserve. There’s not enough words that exist to be able to type the gratitude and love I have for you. You are my best friend. You are so genuine and real and yet so unreal!! I love you so so much!!!

@reallylikeseggos: ALLI!!!!! The first time I saw you on my feed was because of your dang beautiful selfie!  I can’t believe we’ve actually been able to talk and become friends. I thought you were just too cool for me :’) I love seeing yo uon my Tumblr and Insta. You are so funny!! I wouldn’t ever want you to change, you’re too precious :) I love you so much and I will always be here for you!!

@reedstrangerthings: REEDA! Wow I honestly don’t even know what to say. Out of literally everyone I’ve met no one has come close to how much you have touched my heart and helped me grow as a person. You have literally become my family and a part of my life on such a more meaningful level than just someone I spoke to on tumblr. I’m trying so hard not to cry while I write this. You’ve been there for me more than any of my friends ever in my life have. You’ve shared so much wisdom and love I can’t deal. I’ve learnt so much from you in such a short time. Because of you I have learnt, loved, grown and been able to make a life changing friend. You’ve opened up your arms and heart to me in such a selfless manner. The conversations I’ve had with you I can’t have with any other friend. You are such a beautiful person, inside and out. I can’t believe I’ve been able to find a genuine best friend and family member because of a TV show. You are my world <3 I will always cherish and love you. You will always be in my Dua’s. If we can’t meet in this Dunya, I hope we can meet in Jannah. I could write a whole book about you but I need to stop here before I ball my eyes out Wallah.

@shesavedus: syd!! Thank you for becoming my friend :) I love hearing about your passion for photography and bands. How they’ve shaped you into the beautiful being you are. I’ve never met a real life tumblr girl, living and walking aesthetic goals that literally everyone envies and says are ‘goals’. You pull of such a unique style but at the same time it’s just your own. I admire your care free personality and your creativity that just flows wherever you walk. 

@spideymans: MARVIN :D omgosh!! Thank you for being an amazing friend!! Honestly never in a million years would I have thought we would actually talk and be friends. You’re iconic :) Thank you for teaching me about those gaining and shedding seasons if I remember correctly :’) !! I’ve learnt more about the Gym life from you than anyone else whose been a ‘gym enthusiast’. I can’t help but always admire one of your edits when I see them on my dash. They are beyond quality and talent. Overall you’re just an amazing and talented person. You’re such fun to talk to :) You deserve the followers you have and so much more!! Thank you fro being one of my closest friends :D

@strangehorcrux: SHELLY!! Ahh you’re such abeautiful and nurturing soul. I love you so much and thank you for all the beautiful pet pictures in the group chat :D I have to stop myself from jumping up and down every time you post a picture!! Thank you for being such an amazing person and a quality friend!! You’ve been quite the blessing to my dash and my life :) 

@telekineticeggos: Tele!!! I cannot comprehend how someone is so adorable such as you are!! Not only that but the talent you have with your drawings :O I cannot fathom I know someone as beautiful and creative as you are whose able to make something as awesome as what you do!! That probably was confusing but in summary, WOW! Thank you for being in my life, for being my friend and being someone I’ve been able to get to know <3 I will always be there for you no matter what :) 

@the-fifth-movement: Oh hey there <3 Thank you for getting to know me and letting me get to know you :D I know we’ve only recently started properly talking but I’ve had the blessing of you being on my dash for a while now and I have no regrets about that :D I love how you compliment me on a whole other level every time I post a photo :’) your kindness is something I admire and adore more than anything!! You are so unique and I love all your styles that fit what you are feeling no matter what day :D you honestly slay. You’re such a beautiful being!! I love you so very much! :D

@the-weirdo-on-maple-street: Em!! Thank you for being the first friend I have ever made here on Tumblr. I was shook™ at how kind you were to me from the get go. You are such a beautiful soul and it’s been a pleasure to get to know you and call you my friend :) you’re always there for everyone and I admire you for how open and loving you are just naturally!! Thank you for all you’ve done and helped and motivated with me. I will always be here to do the same for you!!

@themikewheelers: Oh Tori, my daughter. Yes you’ve said some very ... very weird things but I love you so very much. Your voice just makes me smile and I love hearing you rambling and talk about things. It can get quite interesting, sometimes disturbing but it’s quite the experience :’) Thank you for being an amazing girl. I also would like to steal you away from all the problems you face in this world. I can’t believe the disgusting things you go through due to other people in your life. You never ever ever ever deserve that! I don’t want anyone touching you unless it’s to give you a consensual hug. I love you bunches <3 I will always be here for you!!

[cynthiadshaw]

What’s the Most Important Lesson You’ve Learned Along Your Journey?

Every twist in our story, challenge we face, and obstacle we overcome is an important part of our story.  These difficulties make us stronger and wiser and prepare us for what’s ahead.  As we grow and succeed we may imagine that soon the challenges will fade away, but in our conversations with business owners, artists, creatives, academics, and others we have learned that the most common experience is that challenges never go away – instead they get more complex as we grow and succeed.  Our ability to to thrive therefore depends heavily on our ability to learn from our experiences and so we are asking some of the city’s best and brightest: What’s the most important lesson you’ve learned along your journey?

Cynthea Thomas | Entrepreneur & Jewelry Designer

Olivia Friesen with Copper Curls Photography

A lesson I have learned is to never compare myself to others. By doing this I don’t progress to where I want to be and it’s not a great place to be in. I am unique in my own way and I want to spread joy and love through what I create during my journey.

royalmadnessdesign.com  @royalmadnessdesign @royalmadnessdesign  @Cyntheyeahh

RJ Monae | Fitness Coach

The most important lesson I’ve learned so far is, “”You have to change to grow and to grow you have to change”. I think we all expect change throughout our lives. The mistake many make is that we don’t change personally. We hope to be the same in every area of our lives and not realizing that a different version of “”YOU”” is required. The key to change is “”YOU””. I learned that about seven years ago and begin to put pieces of my life back together.

I had to learn things don’t always happen the way we want them to. We tend to give up then accept things as they are. The action of not accepting leads to depression, weight gain, health issues, and stress levels. Don’t be hard on yourself; embrace every mistake, failure, disappointment, and heartache. I have been in health and fitness for about seven years. I officially started fitness coaching about four years ago to coach people through the process of change and becoming the best version of themselves. Many already know what to do; they need someone to guide and educate them to make the best choices for their lifestyle needs.

I have been a mentor and coach for 14 years. I have dedicated my life to help others become the person they’ve always wanted to be. My health, fitness, and lifestyle have taught me no matter what area or stage you are in your life, change is required. In the past seven years, I have worked to claim my independence back. Now, I want to help others to reclaim theirs through health and fitness because it’s never too late. “Don’t be afraid to change, be afraid to STAY the same”.

@rjmonae @rj.monae @rjmonae RJMONAE.COM

Christina Curas | Digital Marketing for snack startup and healthy recipe creator

Be true to yourself, your beliefs and your passions. If others don’t agree with you that’s okay, you can’t please everyone. I’ve learned if you share authentic content that you are truly passionate about you will reach others with the same passion. That’s what community building is all about. I prefer to do that in all aspects of my life. As humans, we are all influencers in some capacity and it’s our duty to share authentically, not solely based on compensation.

@cocofitfoodie

Tiffany Hayes | REALTOR & Author

Stan Fleming

I’ve learned to change the way I measure success. Someone once said, “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person you become.” I must become the solution to someone’s problem, then and only then will I truly be successful.

tiffanyhayesrealestategroup.com @tiffanyhayesrealestategroup @tiffanyhayesrealestategroup

Landis Dorsey | Artist and Family man

In my journey so far I’ve learned that patience is vital to the growth process no matter what your situation may be. A saying that my pastor uses has helped me “Life’s a cinch inch by inch.”

@landisdorsey_art

Olivia Delancey | Certified Nurse Practitioner & Aesthetic Injector

Throughout this journey, I’ve learned how important it is to listen to my clients. Each person is different and understanding their individual concerns is priority. I build relationships with my patients, helping them feel comfortable discussing their wants, needs, and even their insecurities. I like to have a clear understanding of what my clients are seeing in the mirror. This way, I can create a customized treatment plan for each client, boosting their confidence while keeping their results natural and undetectable.

@oliviadplasticsnp  northtexasplasticsurgery.com/olivia-delancey-np

Vanessa Blanco | Salon General Manager by day & Aspiring Cake Artist by night

Never give up. I used to stress myself so much with trying to work full time, be a mom full time, and baking/decorating cakes. Thinking that I didn’t have enough time to do it all. So much so that I had even considered giving it up. But With patience and practice you learn how to balance. I now know the tricks to breaking up different parts of the cake making process up in to multiple days so I don’t stress like I used to. Now its enjoyable like when I first took my very first cake decorating class!

@prettypartythingsdallas @prettypartythingsdallas

Sebastian Yancy | MMA Fitness Trainer & Co-founder of Non-Profit Sweat 4 Service

I’ve learned that in life you must do what you love. Too often do people drain their souls away doing what they dislike daily & gel as though they don’t have time to do what they are love. But if you can figure a way(& there always is a way) to make what you love benefit you, your soul will be energized to do & create more happiness & success. & to give a way to share that with others, is a gift spawned of love that everyone can receive.

youtube.com/channel/UCnfepgcg8HfTLf5FOx1NHDQ  @playing4people

  Rocio Zapata | Home Baker & Cake Decorator

@cakesdenise

The most important thing I’ve learned is to have a clean working area and be kind and respectful with clients. One more thing would be to always give good quality, presentation, and lastly good flavor for the product. In this business of pastries we never stop learning, we will always learn new things to improve.

@cakesdenise

Kristen Vollinger | Believer in the strength of a new day and its noms

First things first, I must state anyone who says, “I forgot to eat today”, absolutely makes zero sense to me. Not sure if I am envious of their free thinking and lack of time spent planning their next meal or if these are just deeply sad souls. ha. joke. Okay. So What is the most important lesson you’ve learned in your journey so far? I believe it is key to stay true to your WHY (why are you doing this?) and asking yourself this question often.  To help reach your why and stay focused, I try to surround myself with what I want to see more of in the world, especially on social media. When posting my own content, I want to be excited about it and not have it based in a belief of what is expected of me as a food blogger. I believe the message in return is more genuine and interesting. If I start posting what I believe others want to see, then I’m not being true to myself and my passion. I will not be favored by all, yet I wont have lost sight of the reason why I started this journey. We will never live this exact day again, so let’s celebrate it with some delightful tastes.

@DallasNewGirl

Christy Zuehl | Owner | Life Coach | Chief Designer @ EDIT Learning & Design, LLC

janazerpoliphotography.com/branding-photography

At EDIT Learning & Design, LLC. I provide life coaching, course design and training facilitation services. This business evolved from my passion for learning design, and mentoring others. It takes time to build a business and create a client base. When you are building a business and planning for how it will be structured, you need to factor in time to get the business off the ground and build your reputation. Hard work, dedication, and flexibility are important factors in getting started. Having a clear brand and product is also important. People have to understand the services you are offering and how you can help them to be more productive and achieve their goals.

editlearningdesign.com  @EDITLearningDesign linkedin.com/company/editlearningdesign   @editlearningdesign pinterest.com/EDITLearningDesign

Kymberly Smith | Dallas Blogger

The most important lesson I’ve learned in my journey so far is to be resilient and always be motivated. I have not always been able to bounce back from rejection in reference to wanting to start my own blog. This is something that I’ve wanted to do since I was in the military. It wasn’t until I joined the military that words like resilience, motivation and determination became part of my daily life. Because of that, any time someone said I couldn’t do something, it made me push myself more, it made me work harder because I wanted to succeed.

bonbh.com  @bonbh_blog

Clara Warner | twenty-something lifestyle blogger | graphic designer + integrated marketing specialist

The most important lesson I’ve learned so far is to grant yourself some grace. I think we all expect a lot from ourselves these days no matter what profession we are in or how old we are – we all feel such a determination to be perfect and successful in everything we do. But things don’t always go as planned; you don’t always get everything right on the first try. Instead of being so hard on yourself and expecting perfection at every turn, grant yourself some grace – relish every mess up, embrace your “failures”, take time to process your emotions. The most successful people are often the ones who failed a lot during their own journey and they recognize that “success in a day” is (in most cases) unattainable. Every goal takes time to achieve and it won’t always be sunshine and daisies, so celebrate the good days and the bad. And most importantly, never invalidate your feelings of failure, but rather grant yourself the grace to feel that way and then rally. My all-time favorite quote is, “live imperfectly with great delight” and I think that exquisitely encompass this whole idea; take delight in your imperfections and allow yourself the grace to grow in your own way and at your own pace.

xoxoclara.com @_xoxo_clara_/ @xoxo-Clara pinterest.com/xoxo_clara

Eve ksabi |  fashion, fitness and life style blogger

I have learned it all about pursuing your dreams and your ambition. It about your vision, your personal style and the ability inspire other while staying true to yourself. You must Embark on your journey with a clear goal  of how to turn your dream to reality. I started my fashion and fitness blog in an attempt to inspire and motivate women to love themselves from the inside out. It was not an easy journey and there were lots of bumps along the way! One thing I’ve learned during my journey is that success can happen if you truly believe in your passion, if you are consistent, and if you are pursuing your passion from your heart. My journey through the blogging world has taught me that inspiring people can cross any barrier of race, religion, or age. People love to be inspired by others and we are all connected.

thestyleandfitness.com fitwitheve.net @Thestyleandfitness  @Lksabi @aviaksabi pinterest.com/avivit10

Vanessa Fields AKA 1/2 of the ATXFoodChronicles team | Communications Coordinator for TTIA

@ATXFoodChronicles

The most important lesson we have learned from starting our Instagram account is to not compare our accounts successes to anyone else. While everyone is hustling and doing their own thing, it is easy to go down a rabbit hole of comparing your photo quality, amount of likes, event invites etc. to theirs but we have quickly learned that this will get you no where. Our motto is, have fun, focus on your own journey but always remember to support one another. Community over competition is key!

@atxfoodchronicles

Cori Aston | Makeup Artistry (Editorial, Avant-Garde, Fashion, Commercial. Beauty, Private Clients)

Makeup: Cori Aston Photo: Stevie Reid Model: Delaney Martinez

In this world of creatives, (Makeup, Hair, Photography, etc.) and with each diverse genre…creating and embracing our community is such a VITAL facet for growth, opportunities, new experiences and challenges. My advice to any artist, no matter the medium, embrace their fellow artist in all fields. Because we are all the individual threads in this intricate weave that is our profession – creating ART. There is only one of you…always stay true to your vision.

CoriAston.net  @coriaston39  @coriastonmakeupartistry

Candace Hughes | Co Owner of Dérive Media

Focus on what is important to you. We often spend so much time stressing over the small stuff and forget about the simple blessings that surround us everyday. Everything happens for a reason, truly and sometimes it doesn’t make sense, but trust in God always. Every time that I’ve felt rejected and disappointed, there has always been something better in store! A positive attitude changes your whole mindset in addition to encouraging the people around you! Life is a continuous learning experience and hard work pays off. Have an open mind, live your life to the fullest, pursue your dreams and goals! The job that you are passionate about is not random, it’s your calling! Most importantly fill your days with experiences, not material things.

@candacemhughes derivemedia.com @derivemediaco

Dawn Treader | a nonprofit who is raising awareness to defend and protect the rights of widows and orphans through the exploration of local artist, live music, and some dang good coffee

Mikaylah McGee

The most important lesson we’ve learned is, the process is more important than the prize. The process itself is the prize. Providing for orphans and widows is our oxygen, its our DNA. We don’t build homes for orphans and widows over night. It takes time. Our dream is to change lives all over the world but that begins with taking advantage of every hour and disciplining ourselves to be competitive for the helpless over time. We live for the PROCESS.

dawntreadertx.com @dawntreadertx @dawntreadertx

Ria Hartfield and my business is Locs By Ria

The most important lesson I learned so far was to believe in myself because and not sell myself short. I’m a self-taught stylist so I was very insecure about my work. I wasn’t 100% sure if I was even doing it right but my clients would be extremely satisfied with the results. Some of my clients won’t even go to other stylists. It took a long time for me to recognize my worth as a loctician and to realize that I really am talented.

@locsbyria

Loviatar’s | Vintage Event Rentals & Interior Curation

Photo Credit: @laurenapelphoto HMU: @sydneyannlopezhair

A valuable trait we have had to channel is patience. As designers that deal in predominantly vintage goods, we are always on the hunt for unique and eclectic items. Often times it would be easier to pick up a missing piece at a conventional retailer but we know that the end result is that much more rewarding if we put in the extra time to hunt down the perfect piece. We are finding that people truly do appreciate the little details and the story that is attached to each object, making our efforts worthwhile!

loviatars.com @loviatars

Letty Stewart | Lash Artist & Esthetician

 In my journey I have experienced so many things. It hasn’t been easy but with the help of my family I have finally found my dream job which is a Lash Artist at Peachy Keen Studio and I am so happy to be where I am at now. My obstacles in life have been tough from dropping out of high school to abusive relationships but I have managed to find the light at the end of the tunnel. My biggest accomplishments have been thanks to my husband. He’s inspired me to be who I am today. I know that my children will be inspired as well to be better and create a world full of joy and love.

linktr.ee/letty.peachykeenstudio

Joshua Harris | Professional athlete | Fitness consultant

Lynne Jones

The harder you work, the less you worry. When your work ethic is at a high level, that eliminates any doubt you may experience because you know how hard you’re working and that gives you an unwavering amount of confidence.

thepeakwork.com

Kiesha Hick | Entrepreneur, Eye Candi Bar

@thelavishluxe

The important lesson I have learned on my journey so far is, self importance, self development and patience, while coming out of my comfort zone, to do what I was called to do, empowering women, and giving them the confidence to look and feel beautiful!

@eyecandibar @eyecandibar

TK Kader | Author of the international best seller “How to Punch the Sunday Jitters in the Face”, Entrepreneur and Angel Investor

You can accomplish anything you want in life and become unstoppable as long as you practice belief x discipline.

@tkkader

Alexandra Goodman | designer

You are going to have some negative experiences. It could be as simple as someone not liking your work or being denied an application to participate in a local art show. You cannot let those experiences define you. Do not let them become setbacks. Keep pushing forward. Focus on the praise you receive from clients and their genuine appreciation for your creations.

etsy.com/shop/agoodmandesigner @agoodmandesigner

Acenette Gonzalez and Justin Ramirez | Owners of Maravilla Cacao Confections

A valuable lesson I’ve learned on my journey is collaboration is a key to success. I say this because collaborating with others brings inspiration from places you never thought to seek it from. It has allowed me to to create with others on different artistic platforms and see different points of views. All while helping that other independent business as well. The great thing about being a small business owner is the support from other small business owners. We all want to see each other succeed and that’s a beautiful thing to me.

@maravillacacao maravillacacao@gmail.com

Elena Jones | Mom | Wife | Entrepreneur

@katiemeckleyphotography

Moving to a new country has been a great challenge. To start again, especially while tending to young children, was much more difficult than I imagined. Throughout this journey, I have learned that success, in its truest sense, doesn’t come with haste or ease, but to those who exercise the three P’s: passion, persistence, and patience. First, in order to accomplish anything noteworthy, you have to have an unyielding passion for your work with a single, noble goal in mind: an objective that goes beyond your own material success and that truly benefits your clients and the greater community. If you don’t believe in the product or service you’re selling, then you need to be selling something else. Second, I have learned that very little can be accomplished unless you are persistent in chasing your dream; this means waking up in the morning with a plan of micro-goals to accomplish for the day and repeating that routine until you see results. Every day is an obstacle course that must be navigated with focus and tenacity. It also means adapting strategies that are not working, yet keeping your overall mission in mind. Finally, I have learned that nothing meaningful can be achieved without patience and that an enduring success can only be accomplished over time. The old saying, “good things come to those who wait,” may be dismissed nowadays, but it rings true in my life. The setbacks we experience—the lost sale, the incomplete checklist, the long-term client who decided to go elsewhere—are opportunities to better learn our business and grow in virtue. There is no such thing as failure as long as we continue to see the big picture and keep moving in the right direction.

@latinamomintheheartoftexas  @latinamomintexas

Magnolia Elvis | music producer & recording engineer

@Dj_ron_t

You have to always be prepared to work; even on your off days.

VibeLabDallas.com  ShoutOutMagnolia.com

Addie Roberts | Registered Dietitian and Nutrition Coach

The most important lesson I’ve learned is that people don’t thrive under more rules around what NOT to do with food. Instead, I’ve found that lasting change is made and people are able to flourish and achieve their goals when the coaching message is promoted as food freedom without obsession around what they’re eating.

generalwellnessnutrition.com @generalwellness  youtube.com/generalwellness

Kelly Harrod | Body Liberation/Self Love Advocate

The most important thing I’ve learned on my journey so far is the importance of flexibility. So many times we plan with good intentions as society tells us that those who fail to plan, plan to fail. Some times life does it’s own thing, causing out beautifully crafted plans to fall by the wayside. Learning to be flexible has allowed me to be more forgiving of myself and others when things don’t go as I had hoped.

@the_self_love_squad @selflovesquadig

The post What’s the Most Important Lesson You’ve Learned Along Your Journey? appeared first on Voyage Dallas Magazine | Dallas City Guide.

source http://voyagedallas.com/2019/09/05/whats-important-lesson-youve-learned-along-journey/

[jenmedsbookreviews]

Well. This has been a long week. Not a bad week but a long week. Lots of thinking, lots of pondering and, strangely, actually less reading than last week but hey ho. No bad thing. Can’t say I’ve been busy at work but I’ve a busy week coming up to make up for it. Off to Dublin today to deliver a bit of training and talk about labelling. Can’t contain my excitement at that one. Tuesday and Wednesday back in the office and then I’m off right up north. Dundee on Thursday/Friday and then a weekend at Granite Noir before spending Monday morning with my team in Portlethen. Busy bee I am then.

On the positive side, I’ve got about sixteen hours of driving ahead of me so I get to listen to a couple of audio books which will be nice 🙂 And all that airport time today will mean another on of my ARCs will be completed too so it’s not all bad.

One of the things I’ve been thinking about this week is the responsibility of being a book blogger. I think that it’s one of those things that novice bloggers don’t always think about when deciding to get into the game. And, trust me, a game is exactly what it can be. Getting caught up in blogitics can be a perilous pastime. Some readers will love you, others will hate you, for no clear reason, and accuse of not being a real reader. They will assume you’re on a publishers payroll (some bloggers are paid for reviews but that is a whole other can of worms and not one for a round up post). Some authors will love you, some will get very personal and (thankfully only on occasion) quite aggressive over a less than perfect review. Some authors may say thanks, some don’t even notice. Most, however are great and actually do take the time to read your review policy which states quite politely that you don’t EVER EVER EVER review erotica…

Anyway. Back to responsibility. Blogging, book blogging especially, is, for most, a hobby and one you should always strive to enjoy. Don’t let it get you down. Don’t let it make you angry. Don’t feel pressure to agree to a review if you cannot commit and try not to feel bad when you say no. It’s okay. However, we do have a responsibility to be fair in those books we do agree to review. While it is a hobby for us, there are seldom few, if any, authors for whom writing is merely a hobby. It is something they do for work, for the love of books, and it is entirely personal. Their baby. Their precious. We have to remember that when reviewing as while praise is great, unqualified, unfair criticism and being personal or attacking an author through review is not only wrong but uncalled for. And so is simply not providing feedback at all. In that respect I know I must try harder.

I have joked in the past about having no book post. The reality is that the idea of unsolicited book post terrifies me. I know the word ‘unsolicited’ infers there is no guarantee of a review, but authors do count on our reviews and feedback, and on bloggers spreading the word. Yes – maybe it is free PR and they should be happy with what they get, but then we hardly got into blogging so our thoughts and feelings on books stayed locked up in our heads never to be shared now did we? We want to share the book love. At least, that is why I blog. I’d hate to think I ever take for granted the opportunity I am afforded by publishers (via Netgalley and direct approach) and authors to review their books, often ahead of general release. I’m in a very privileged position. I do know that. I fully intend to review every book I have been sent. It may take me a few decades but I’ll get there.

I still see debates around the tinterweb about freebies. Where can I get them? How do I get #bookpost? Well … you get regular ‘free’ books on Netgalley by being a trusted reviewer, one who leaves an adequate review not just a ‘I liked the book’ one liner. That may get you one approval but won’t necessarily lead to more. Auto approval is a privilege, not a right. You get #bookpost by giving honest and detailed feedback on how you liked (or didn’t like) a book without any expectation of anything in return. This attitude will get you noticed. This will get you respect. This will get you feeling all the #bloglove.

I’m very lucky. I can afford to purchase lots of books and don’t have to wait for the Amazon daily deal to do so. Every ‘freebie’ I receive I either buy on Kindle or in physical form, even all of those Netgalley ARCs. I may not always be able to review bang on time for ARCs, but I do pay my way in the event I let everyone down. (And new bloggers – never, ever feel you are letting folk down. You aren’t if you maintain honesty and fairness in your reviews when they evntually come.)

The truth is we all have lives outside of blogging. Mine is fairly limited so I do read rather a lot, however I will never take for granted the wonderful gifts I am given by Authors and Publishers alike. Please, in return, do not take for granted, or ignore, my review policy, or the fact that sometimes I am just too busy. Important job, lots of travel don’t you know.

Get me all serious and stuff. Who knew?

Well … speaking of #bookpost, I have more this week. My postman/woman/gender-fluid person (who knows) must be starting to hate me. Some was a ‘freebie’ other was my long awaited Goldsboro books parcel.

Starting with my purchases I received my limited edition copy of The Seven Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle by Stuart Turton. Very pretty, red edged pages, ribbon book mark, maps and everything. Total #booklove. I also got my signed copy of This Is How It Ends by Eva Dolan.

My #bookpost for the week was plentiful by my standards. First up was The Ice Swimmer by Kjell Ola Dahl courtesy of Orenda Books. Three in one day with My Little Eye by Stephanie Marland from Trapeze; The Emperor of Shoes by Spencer Wise from Oldcastle Books/No Exit and The Fear by CL Taylor from Avon. Last, but my no means least, I also received a copy of Never Go There by Rebecca Tinnelly from Hodder. So lucky.

Netgalley wise I only picked up one book as I need ot for a blog tour. That was Emma Robinson’s The Undercover Mother.

From Audible I picked up Anatomy of a Scandal by Sarah Vaughan and Lucky Ghost by Matthew Bakstad.

Reading wise I was pretty poor with just four books this week.

Books I have Read

Found Drowned – BK Duncan

Are you looking for an unmissable historical mystery? Then you’ll love BK Duncan’s Found Drowned.

Smuggling. Prostitution. Murder.

London. 1920 and coroner’s officer May Keaps is tasked with solving the mystery that surrounds the death of a young boy, found drowned in The Thames.

But was it murder or an accident?

May knows that when children go missing, the reason is often linked to money but she is in danger of underestimating the corrupting influence of power . . .

On streets where poverty and exploitation walk hand-in-hand everyone has a price. And some are more valuable dead than alive. But who is pulling the strings?

May must journey into the dark underbelly of London to find the answers.

I will be reviewing this for the blog blitz next week. Book two in the May Keaps series this touches on some very hard to read issues as our heroine tries to find the identity of a young boy who was found in the Thames. You can preorder a copy of the book here.

…

Let Me Lie – Clare Mackintosh

The police say it was suicide. Anna says it was murder. They’re both wrong.

One year ago, Caroline Johnson chose to end her life brutally: a shocking suicide planned to match that of her husband just months before. Their daughter, Anna, has struggled to come to terms with their loss ever since. Now with a young baby of her own, Anna misses her mother more than ever and starts to ask questions about her parents’ deaths. But by digging up the past, is she putting her future in danger? Sometimes it’s safer to let things lie . . .

The stunning, twisty new psychological thriller from number one bestseller Clare Mackintosh, author of I LET YOU GO and I SEE YOU.

Clare Mackintosh’s third book and quite different in pace and tone to it’s predecessors. Following a woman trying to come to terms with her parents’ suicides, she cannot begin to comprehend the truth she is yet to uncover. A gripping mystery I’ll be reviewing next week (fingers crossed). You can preorder a copy here.

…

Evidence of Death – Peter Ritchie

Scarred by the Troubles in Belfast, Billy Nelson returns to his loyalist roots following his discharge from army service. But Belfast and the people he knew have changed, and after his gang are responsible for a series of violent attacks on innocent victims, he is forced out of the city and moves in on the drugs business in Edinburgh.

Taking on the family who have been the main players in the city for years, a battle for control amongst the criminal underworld of Edinburgh, Glasgow and Belfast ensues, and the balance of power is upset…

Grace Macallan, recently promoted to Superintendent in the Specialist Crime and Counter Terrorism Directorate, has her hands full as a series of incidents leaves a trail of victims. As the old demons of the Troubles come back to haunt her again, can Grace keep the streets of Scotland safe, as well as balancing the conflicting interests of the police in Scotland, Northern Ireland and the Security Services, who all have an interest in Nelson and his paramilitary contacts in Belfast…

This is the second book in the Grace Macallan series but the first I have read. Set in Edinburgh there is a gang war about to begin which Grace and her team need to halt before things go a step too far. Out on 22nd Feb you can preorder a copy here.

…

A Known Evil – Aidan Conway

A serial killer stalks the streets of Rome…

A gripping debut crime novel and the first in a groundbreaking series, from a new star in British crime fiction. Perfect for fans of Ian Rankin.

A city on lockdown. In the depths of a freakish winter, Rome is being torn apart by a serial killer dubbed The Carpenter intent on spreading fear and violence. Soon another woman is murdered – hammered to death and left with a cryptic message nailed to her chest.

A detective in danger. Maverick Detective Inspectors Rossi and Carrara are assigned to the investigation. But when Rossi’s girlfriend is attacked – left in a coma in hospital – he becomes the killer’s new obsession and his own past hurtles back to haunt him.

A killer out of control. As the body count rises, with one perfect murder on the heels of another, the case begins to spiral out of control. In a city wracked by corruption and paranoia, the question is: how much is Rossi willing to sacrifice to get to the truth?

Set in Rome, this is the opening book in the MIchael Rossi series and what an opener it is. A violent killer is stalking the streets of Rome but just what is their story and what message are they trying to convey. I’ll be reviewing next week for the blog tour. IN the meantime preorder a copy here.

…

Blog wise I took the weekend off but still a few reviews out there last week if you’d like to peruse the archives…

The Reunion by Samantha Hayes

Review: Quick Reads – Cut Off by Mark Billingham

Review: Quick Reads – Inspector Chopra & The Million Dollar Motorcar by Vaseem Khan

The Collector by Fiona Cummins

Cover Reveal: Sue Featherstone and Susan Pape

The week ahead is littered with reviews and blog tours. As you do. On Wednesday I have a blog tour review of The Little Cottage on the Hill by Emma Davies; Thursday it’s Come A Little Closer by Rachel Abbott (which may have a little added bonus feature); Friday and it’s The Last Laugh by Tracy Bloom. Do stop by for those and other reviews and features.

So. I’ll be a bit busy this week. Might not be a weekly round up next week either, depending on how it all goes at Granite Noir. I might be too busy. But I’ll be back. Already prepped my posts for Tuesday/Wednesday at least so you don’t get rid of me that easily.

Have a fabulous week all and please don’t hate me after Thursday. Check out my post. Remember folks – I’m just an amateur.

Jen

    Rewind, recap: Weekly update w/e 18/02/18 Well. This has been a long week. Not a bad week but a long week. Lots of thinking, lots of pondering and, strangely, actually less reading than last week but hey ho.

[brokendawnseekinglight]

Part Two of my Valentine’s Self Love Series

Good morning everyone! If you read my blog post yesterday you know that I am doing a mini series on self love. Yesterday’s post talked about the basics like “What is self love?” and “How does a person experience self love?”, as well as, a bit about my own journey of self love. Today I am planning on sharing with you a little bit about my inspiration and purpose for sharing all of this about self love,  and to talk about some of the lessons I’ve learned. 

Well to begin, my inspiration started back when I took a break from college for awhile. I was in an extremely dark place in my life. I felt like I lost everything, and being quite honest, we did loose almost everything. Over the past several years off and on, I have worked towards discovering myself and who I am, while still trying to maintain life. And let’s just say that last year was definitely a year for discovery. I was trying to learn to love myself despite all the dark and ugly that seemed to surround myself at the time. I kept pushing forward. I kept re-assuring myself that things would get better, and I would be okay. I looked myself in the mirror almost everyday and told myself that I loved myself and things would be alright. The Serenity Prayer became my best friend and a tool I carried with me everywhere. I began to learn about acceptance of self, as well as loving myself on my journey. 

I’ve learned a lot about self love over the past year. And I suppose that is why, during this past year when I have met other girls (and I say girls because of their maturity level) who are severely lacking in self love. I’m sure we all know some, they are the girls who have no self respect and no self esteem, accompanied by no confidence, surrounded by negative self talk. They are the really insecure ones and the easy ones. They don’t love themselves, so they look to get fulfilment from guys, and that is why they also jump from guy to guy. This might sound harsh but this is the truth of it. I say this not to be harsh but to bring about realization. My goal here is not to bring these girls down but to teach them tools to empower themselves and turn them into the women they are meant to be.

These are my motivations for writing this mini series, and also now brings me to talk about the lessons I’ve learned. The two girls in particular that I met over the past year, let’s just call one Kay and the other SG, fit this category quite well. Kay, when I knew her, was not statisfied with her own life. So she went looking for something that would fulfil what she was lacking: happiness. And Kay thought she would find happiness in a relationship with a guy. But as we learn, happiness is an inside job. No guy or job or anything external will ever be able to just “make you happy”. This is not a magic potion or something. If you want happiness you must work for it. And as long as you continue to look for your “happiness” in the form of a person, you will continue to be unhappy. She eventually quit talking to the guy, however, Kay never learned this lesson of happiness while I knew her. Kay was also lacking in self esteem and self respect. She felt like she was no better than to sit around and try to drink away her unhappiness. And in lacking self respect, she let that guy use her, instead of not settling for less than she deserved. 

Next, we have SG, who you could say I’ve had a little bit more contact with, so there is a bit more to talk about. SG, at first seems like a typical average girl from the south. She loves her family, she works hard at her job, and she enjoys sitting at home with her laptop being, as she puts it, a “nerd”. So what is the trouble here? SG like Kay, also is not satisfied with her life. She also lacks self esteem and self respect. SG surrounds herself with constant negative self talk which leads to a lack in confidence, and being insecure and easy. She like Kay, also thinks that having the attentions of a guy will make her feel better. Unfortunately for SG, we all know how that ends and she hasn’t learned that lesson yet. She still seeks the attentions of a guy, who also was just using her for his own benefit. Meanwhile, she sits there convincing herself that he has feelings for her, and she has feelings for him (this however is what we call infatuation - not real love). For SG, she won’t be able to fully appreciate or experience “real love” until she learns to love herself. The same goes for Kay, she will not be able to experience true happiness until she learns to love herself and then create her own happiness. 

These lessons can be hard to learn, but I have experienced them first hand. Granted, I did get married young and before I really knew myself or anything about any of what I know today. But luckily for me, my husband is also learning about himself and growing, so we basically learn together. It definitely doesn’t make things easy but we feel it’s worth it because we do love each other. Over the past 5 years that we have been married, I have learned a lot about myself. We’ve been through so much already I feel like I’ve lived a lifetime, but it has been many lessons to learn about myself as a person, as a mother, and as a wife. I feel that with these experiences I have learned to love myself in all of these aspects of myself. But what has been most helpful to me is in learning more about myself in the first aspect or as a person, so I can now love myself as a person. 

Sure there are still days that I feel like I am failing or like I am less than what I actually am. But thankfully, those are only days now. I know that I am a strong, confident, powerful, and graceful woman, who comes from a long line of strong, confident, powerful, and graceful women. In fact, this is one thing my husband pointed out to me after he met my extended family in Kansas two years ago at my grandma’s funeral. After we visited, he said he noticed the family dynamic and that we were a family of strong and powerful women. It wasn’t a patriarchy it was a matriarchy with my grandmother at the head. This is a very true statement, and just something that taught me more about myself. There is a saying that says “you don’t know where you’re going, until you know where you’ve been.” I would say that I agree. Once I looked back to my family and how I was raised, I learned a lot more about myself, and now I can appreciate what’s good and let go of what’s not. This is all part of the process of self love. 

When we go through the process of self love, we have to learn a great deal of acceptance. This idea is used mostly in today’s society when trying to talk about the topic of “body shaming”. Body shaming hurts and that is why we preach the acceptance of ourselves in the hopes that body shaming will become a thing of the past. But there is a very good point to this idea: when we learn to accept ourselves as we are, we can then learn to love ourselves as we are. We are made to feel like we must be perfect in this society of flawless beauty and apparently no mistakes. However, we forget that a huge part of our human exsistance is based on trial and error, making the mistakes, and the beauty of being flawed. As humans we are not made to be human, we are made to be flawed, and THAT is beautiful. 

So with that as our last thought for today, I’ll leave you to contemplate it. If you are here trying to learn how to add self love to your daily life, start with acceptance. Go ahead and write down things that you don’t like about yourself. Then in a separate list next to the first, write down whether or not those things can be changed. For example, if you don’t like your hair color or your weight, those are things that can be changed. Or if you don’t like your attitude, that is something else that can be changed. Then write down what you can do to change those things. It could be something like putting in time at the gym or dying your hair. Or it could be that you need to try and be more positive and change your perspective. Last in a third list write down everything you love about yourself. Then compare the first list to the third list. Do you love more about yourself or are you being more negative about yourself? If you are being too negative, my suggestion to you is this: write down one thing you like about yourself daily (try to not write down the same thing). Also leave yourself love notes and then read them out loud to yourself. For example: after you write down what you love about yourself that day, write a little note that says “You are awesome!” or “You are beautiful” or “You are strong”. Tell yourself what you need to hear and eventually you will start to believe it. That is the greatest way to change your perspective and quit the negative self talk. 

If you enjoyed this today and are interested in more lessons of Self Love, please look for my post tomorrow. I will be talking about being kind to yourself, and gratitude. 

Namaste! 

[cicelyrenee]

Beautiful people,

You may not know this about me, but I absolutely love art and black ballerinas. I remember as a child trying to dance in my bedroom after only one afterschool dance class and realized I did not have the talent! So I fell for the next best thing, loving black ballerinas.

I visited my aunt Julie’s home one day and she had this amazing picture of a simple sketch, it was a ballerina, it had no color but I truly believed she was black. I begged for that photo for years, and then one day she gave it to me. I had it posted on my wall in my room and it brought me so much peace, you know the peace when you watch a ballerina twirl, stretch and fly across the floor with such grace and beauty? Yes, that peace. Then one day, when I was living in Miami, during the recession, we lost our home and so many things that were in it and the painting was one of them.

Fast forward to about 8 years, this influx of black ballerina appreciation grew and Misty Copeland and the Alvin Ailey Dance Company plus many more names were the ones that reminded me of my love for black ballerinas. I would post on facebook, every time I saw a photo of a black ballerina or dancer and caption it, “I love Black Ballerinas!”

About four months ago, I was hired to cover an event and to blog about it. It was a paint and sip event from Buzzed Art Nite and the painting was a black ballerina/dancer. I WANTED IT. Literally, I asked to pay for it and everything. But due to some things, I couldn’t have that specific one. I found out who painted that specific one and had to have a little chat.

Josh Painted this based on the well-known artist Annie F. Lee. This was the painting for their fundraiser event.

He let me know that he would paint me my own black ballerina and I was too excited. I didn’t give him any details, I wanted it to be his creation because I could see this amazing talent and I am just like everyone needs to have an art piece by Josh Clay in their homes! Thus, the blog feature! My aunt Julie and I named her Bella-Grace

      Interview with Josh Clay

Tell me about who you are, where you are from, hobbies, passions, favorites etc.

I am from a Louisianan bred, Southern man/child of the earth, moved from New Orleans to LaPlace where I went to middle and high school. I played football for most of my life but always loved drawing and art, along with math and science. I am but would like to be more involved with physical fitness, I love to work out and believe deeply in self-improvement in mind, body, and soul.

When did you realize you had talent and how did you and your family go about cultivating your talent?

I realized my talent or my strong interest in art when I was in middle school and would find myself content with being alone in my room and just drawing, trying to replicate Dragon ball Z animation style, a little nerdy. As far as cultivating and developing in that area, my family never restricted it but never promoted it. I was constantly told that I should keep it more as a hobby and find something that will make a living but as of lately, seeing that it’s an area I want to deeply and whole-heartedly pursue, they are encouraging and, I feel, anxious to see what produces.

What is your favorite piece or performance? Why?

My favorite piece, I’d have to say, is the ballerina painting I did for Cicely Carr, not to sound cliché. The reason is because, for the longest, I’ve had a crippling reluctance into delving into color, especially selling. I’ve never seen myself on the business side of this field and to have even that success and opportunity was beyond words honestly.

Where do you get the most inspiration for your work?

A lot of my inspiration comes from music, dreams, personal emotion and working to depict it on canvas, observing and appreciating the beauty in the world, nature because in the era of development and technology, I feel it’s easy to take the nature, timeless beauty of earth for granted, poetry, run-on sentences lol. I try to draw inspiration from multiple sources to see where it pushes my creativity and broadens my perspective.

Have you taken any classes to perfect your skills and talents? Why or why not?

I went to college for graphic design and was fortunate enough to take a few art classes before I ran into some scheduling complications and FAFSA tom-foolery but at that time I was able to develop my skills through critique and exposure through different mediums. It definitely helped me to evolve and realize a passion.

What advice would you give someone who is new to your area if talent?

I would advise them that this is your life and whatever may come, no matter how difficult, be happy because you deserve it and you owe it to yourself. Time is our most precious asset and this world and people are filled with beauty and inspiration. Humility and pride will open so many doors for you, pride is not arrogance. Be true to yourself and don’t be too hard on yourself. There is a lot more but I’m still learning more lessons every day.

Are there some difficulties in what you do? Care to share?

Difficulties I have is now that I am more established and have an apartment and bills and etc. I am not able to completely take advantage of creative sparks throughout the day and many times after of work, I’m either mentally drained or just not as inspired. It’s definitely some missed opportunities throughout the day but them bills gotsta be paid.

What new skill or technique would you love to learn and why?

There is so much I would love to learn from mixed media, watercolor, everything…literally, everything I can. I want to get better at creating more realistic faces and animals, mythical or realism. Graphic design, I have yet to even touch that area but I am excited about the challenge.

Anything else you would like to share, nuggets of wisdom, stories, memories etc.

I was talking with a friend of mine who’s about to make a pretty drastic life change, for the better, because complacency without satisfaction is a curse and reluctance is every present. We spoke on why she was afraid to take that step and just her mindset, trying to let her see that her step was the right on. During the conversation, I told her that fear is going to be a thing she will have to deal with and to use it to her advantage. Your own personal fear will tell you to do a few things, either you stay or you move. I told her “Instead of staying out of fear, to move out of fear because once you move, what can fear tell you”. She said “Nothing”, I replied, “Wrong, fear will tell you to move faster and to keep moving because once you get a taste of happiness and experience success in whatever your endeavor is, it’s the fear of losing it that will help drive you.” To me, embracing these powerful emotions; fear, sadness, joy, desire, are bountiful sources of potential inspiration and motivation to take next steps in our art and in life. I think that’s it, my attempt at trying to be deep

  Interested in purchasing prints of Bella-Grace, email us at info@bougieblackblogger.com to be the first to know when they are available. LIMITED Quantities!

For inquiries, please email Josh at captainjclay@gmail.com

Name: Joshua Clay aka Mr. Heatmeister aka J-Rite

Location: Dallas, TX

Website: Coming soon

Art Genre: Drawing, Painting, Illustrations, Tattoo Designs, and soon to be, Tattoo

Social Media Info: Facebook/josh.clay.547; Instagram: joshu_a_claythei & jc_designs1989

Some more of Josh Clay’s artwork

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  Josh Clay, Talented Artist, EVERYONE NEEDS TO KNOW HIS NAME Beautiful people, You may not know this about me, but I absolutely love art and black ballerinas.

[charvez823-blog]

Fuck You Charvez Grant

Mission Statement February 12th, 2017        My name is Charvez Grant. Six months ago I was sitting on top of the world as the happiest man alive. I had received the biggest commission check of my Sales Career, I was getting married to the most beautiful woman in the world, all of my friends and family were happy and proud for me. However in the last 3 weeks, I have been fired from my job. The very next day I was arrested for carrying a registered gun without a license to carry( I would mention the weed but I still cant understand how weed is a crime?). I spent 2 nights in a holding cell and the next 3 days in George W Hill correctional facility. Currently I’m out on bail thanks to my wife emptying her bank account to post a 5,000 dollar bond( not bad for a first offense huh?). Did I mention that I was arrested 5 days before her birthday?        We had planned a trip to Los Angeles for that week. She had never been and I was so excited to show her off in the city of angels  since she is my angel. Truth be told I wasn’t even worried about being locked up I was more pissed off at the fact that I ruined her birthday. Even with the bad prison food, the disrespect I received from Correctional Officers, and all the getting naked and bending over and coughing every time I was transferred to a new room, All I could think about was the fact that i would no longer be able to see that beautiful smile in the  rented convertible Camaro I was going to surprise her with. Instead I was sitting in a cell with a homeless guy who got locked up on purpose because he didn’t have any other place to stay(that’s what i call beating the system).          Before I go any further I just want to say that I don’t want any sympathy and I don’t need any pity. Truth be told I’m too blessed to be given sympathy. My life is the leading example of gods grace and patience with his most hard headed children and when you are as blessed as I am and you are rapidly fucking up in life like this chances are you are doing it to yourself. Which is what I was doing and it turns out I wasn’t done yet. So after I get out of prison my wife and i were able to salvage the rest of the La trip and we ended up going for a weekend. I was able to make her happy see her smile and light up with excitement its amazing the way that city can encourage people to blossom into their best self,not to mentions weed is legal there(again why is weed a crime) however just as life was turning into sunshine and roses, shit hit the fan....again.      See I hadn’t yet told my wife that i lost my job. See i thought that if I told her I lost my job 6 days before we were supposed to leave for La she would get worried and she may not want to go and I didn’t want to ruin her birthday(see how that worked out right?). Thing is she already knew its crazy when you start spending your life with someone who knows you better than you know yourself even the smallest of secrets become obvious truths but I digress. So after we had that awkward conversation where my wife finds out that not only is her husband on his way to becoming a convicted felon, hes also unemployed a bad liar, AND he who owes money to the IRS. That’s a great piece of information to learn as soon as tax season comes around( I can almost smell the divorce papers being written up as I write this.)      Now why am I writing this? As I said earlier I don’t want any sympathy. I'm also not one of those people who likes to expose personal stories about his life, as a matter of fact I'm so tight lipped about who I am that I wrote 4 paragraphs about my life without mentioning the fact that I am Rapper(all my friends think I’m dope) with an album on I-tunes (Better Than dreams), I’m an actor currently preparing my role as juror # 3 in the classic stage play 12 angry men, and I am also the host of the Blaccout show on 823radio every thrusday at 8:23 p.m. eastern standard time, but I digress. This isn’t about how hard my life has become because to be honest I know people in worse situation than me so i’m not writing this to bitch and moan, this also isnt a way to shamelessly plug my own business endeavors I just figured fuck it what have I got to lose now No this isn’t a list of complaints this is a list of Goals. They say if you write your goals down it makes them easier to remember, however in order to guarantee that I will follow this checklist I’m going to be updating my blog post everyday to make sure i don’t fall of track. So here it is. By this time next year(2/12/2018) I will be Self-Employed with at least 3 different streams of income(Music, Acting, Entertainment). I will be out of debt ($20,000). I will have traveled to South Africa and Chicago. I will have at least $20,000 in my bank account. I will be driving my Grandfathers Caddilac (since the engine in my Buick caught on fire last night due to a bad battery..... did I forget to mention that?) and  if my wife is still with me(Lord knows she deserves better, please god help me keep her) she will be driving around in a new car that I will help her pay for if not pay for by myself preferably a Mercedes Benz G-Class truck. Were 2 months in the new year and even though i didn’t make any new years resolution. Its pretty obvious my to-do list is almost full, but fuck it whats life without pressure. One thing I know for certain is that i definitely have god in my life and hes always got my back. People keep telling me there’s a HUGE blessing coming my way. I don’t doubt that god has something in store for me but hes already giving me a blessing shes 5'7 with angel eyes, the face of beauty pageant winner with the body of a stripper and 6 months ago I gave her my last name while standing on a beach in South Carolina. I cant believe I put her in this position. I cant believe that I put us in this situation. If you ever read this babe I'm sorry.   To who ever is reading this thank you for taking the time out of your life to get a little insight about mine there more to come and if the weeks to come are anything like the ones that have passed I’m sure the things I have to write about will start becoming more and more interesting. So subscribe or don’t its up to you. In the meantime Love Life Stay Blacc(yes non black people that means you too don’t be racist). Don’t stress stay Blessed,Fuck cigarettes and smoke weed and no matter what you do but god first because god is in your heart and without it you are nothing. Now if you’ll excuse me I need to go make things right with the misses. Talk to you soon love you.