#please feed your baby normal things like Shrimp

[dogtoling]

But baby needs snack. Have you considered that? Hmm?

don't give the freshly born baby a joint or anything related even if it needs a snack

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #343

“i slither like a viper and get you by the neck  /  i know a thousand ways to help you forget about her”

What's your favorite kind of bear? I don't really know. I just like bears. Have you ever sent a FWD because you were afraid? Ha, yup, as a little kid. Would you ever date more than one person at a time? Nooooo sir. Have you ever rebounded... or been someone's rebound? No. What’s the biggest argument you’ve ever had with a family member? Did things ever go back to how they were beforehand? My grandmother cursed me the fuuuuck out one night as a kid because I was in a mood and didn't tell my mother goodnight. I still remember being called an ungrateful bitch with her like an inch from my face, and admittedly, I was being rude because I wanted to go home, but it kinda scarred me for life. For the remainder of her life, I was always sort of on edge around her and was convinced she didn't like me. Have you ever experienced some kind of natural disaster? I've been through lots of hurricanes. None that massively affected my life, though. If you have pets, do you feed them human food or do they just get regular pet food? If they do get human food, what’s their favorite thing to have? Venus is a snake, so she obviously doesn't get food meant for humans. Roman is very well-trained to not beg or make a move for people's food; he tried once as a kitten, and giving him a pop taught him right away. Have you ever been in a physical fight? Who won? No. What’s the mode of transport that you take or use the most? The car. Mom's, specifically. Have you ever had a zoo keeper experience or anything where you’ve been able to go behind the scenes and look after/feed the animals? No, but I wish. :( Would you ever want the responsibility of being a politician or a similar position of power? NOOOOOOO. What’s something your parents do that really annoys you? Mom is *always* right, pretty much indisputably. And she WILL have the last word. Dad, meanwhile, can be pretty rude to people. I don't think he realizes it half the time, but still. It's not an excuse. What is your main source of anxiety? Social interactions. What’s your favorite 90s cartoon? Pokemon. Describe the moment you realized you were falling in love with someone. I'd rather not. What’s your favorite sparkling water brand/flavor? I've never tried sparkling water. What’s your favorite makeup brand/brands? I don't have a favorite, considering I don't wear it nearly enough and have never even bought my own. I just use whatever Mom buys. What are some female names you would name a baby? Alessandra is my favorite for sure. I also love Anneliese, Justine, Evelyn, Chloe, Evangeline, Quinn... There's a lot. What about male? Severin is my favorite, and I also like Damien, Vincent, Victor, and Luther. Do you have any subscription boxes? No. What fictional creature would you like as a pet? I want a dragon, goddammit. Idc if it can breathe fire ok I want a dragon. Ewoks are also the one and only thing I enjoy from Star Wars. What kind of dwelling do you live in? Just a one-story house. Is there anyone you work with that you don't get along with? Why? N/A Do you have an opinion on adopting/purchasing a pet? PLEASE adopt, especially with cats and dogs, given the number of strays. Purebreds tend to have so many underlying issues, and besides, it's just a LOT of money for an animal that probably wouldn't outlive a mutt. Don't feed the machine if you can. What's your favorite chain restaurant? The Cheesecake Factory or Olive Garden. Why were you last pulled over? I’ve never been pulled over before. What was the last thing you've done on the water? Just kinda swam around a bit in the ocean. It was so warm, totally like a bath. I do NOT miss that sun poisoning, though. Are you cool with swimming in a lake? I think I'd do it if someone invited me to, and the lake didn't look filthy, of course. Do you have a drone? No. What's your favorite hole-in-the-wall restaurant? We have this tiny, local Mexican place that's really good. I don't know the name of it, and I wouldn't share it for obvious reasons. What do you order from there? Chips and salsa of course, along with a shrimp and cheese quesadilla, and finally their cheesy rice. What's your favorite ice-cream flavor? Depending on my mood, it bounces between vanilla with chocolate syrup or just plain chocolate. Do you have any t-shirts from any local businesses? No. Do you listen to any talk shows or podcasts? I used to listen to Mark, Bob, and Wade's podcast, but I'm like... ten months behind, haha. What's something someone calls you that you find endearing? I like "love" a lot. What's your favorite children's book? I loved books like The Rainbow Fish, The Very Hungry Caterpillar, Stellaluna, 10 Minutes 'til Midnight, What Makes a Rainbow?, Chrysanthemum, etc. Is there a new season for a series you're excited to come out? Meerkat Manor comes back this summer, and I am fucking HYPED. How old are you? I'm 25. What is something unique you enjoy about the one you like/love? I tease her about it all the time, but it's really cute that she keeps all of her snakes' good sheds in her room. Proud reptile mom. Are you more liberal or conservative? I'm close to the middle, but I lean towards being more liberal, and I seem to go more that way with time. Do you watch American Horror Story? I used to. I saw the entire first season and really liked it, and then I almost finished the second, but I lost interest. The story got a bit stupid imo. I'd be willing to watch other seasons, though. Does your hometown have any urban legends/scary stories? None that I’m aware of. The people there are scary enough. What's the scariest nightmare you remember having? Let's not talk about it. Are you medicated? Uh very. Are there any apps you're addicted to? Nah. Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? It was initially a bunny holding a polka-dotted blanket, then it become a moose I got from Cabela's when in Ohio. Do you still collect stuffed animals? Only meerkat ones. Have you ever stolen/borrowed clothes from an ex? Haha I've worn Jason's pj pants before and they just kinda... became mine, lol. What's the last movie you watched at home? The Shining, I believe. What's the last movie you watched in theaters? The CGI remake of The Lion King. I still don't get why it was received so badly. Have you ever had eggs cooked over a campfire? I don't think so, no. If you do drink, what's your favorite alcoholic beverage? Margaritas, generally. However, Sara's dad made me this absofuckinglutely incredible chocolate drink before that tasted like a milkshake. It had like, no alcohol flavor, which worked out well for me considering I very much dislike that taste. Are there any songs you've been listening to repetitively lately? There's a new one every day lately, haha. Today it's Halocene's cover of "Love Bites (So Do I)." Cereal, granola, or oatmeal? Cereal. What TV shows did you grow up watching? You gotta gimme an age group... but I'd say the typical stuff for kids of that time. What does your phone case look like? It's just a boring purple that came with it. What were your favorite toys to play with as a child? I looooved playing with my "family" of a father crocodile, a mother deer, their two "children" (a fawn and smaller croc), and "friends" that were little Pokemon figurines. Then there was an evil t-rex with two stupid sidekicks, haha. I can't remember what dinosaurs they were. What's the most embarrassing thing you can ever remember doing? Hold on, lemme find my book. Do you remember what you dreamt about last night? I only very faintly recall dreaming about my cat Roman. Have you ever done anything embarrassing in a dream? Thank FUCK they're just dreams. Do you vape? Nah. What was a song you loved as a child? So uh. Apparently. I loved "Dookie" by Green Day. It's an undying story from Mom about how it came on once at a putt-putt place and I apparently started yelling "dookie!" and dancing. Do you enjoy the Arctic Monkeys? Yeah, I love some of their songs. Are you going to see Finding Dory? You bet your sweet ass I saw it. I've cried everytime I've watched it. Have you ever been horseback-riding? I have not, but I would love to. When was your last piercing? Whenever I got my tragus done, which I can't remember. What did your first crush look like? I don't remember my puppydog love first crush, but I can talk about my first REAL crush, Sebastian. He's a skinny dude with short, brown hair and a lip piercing... I can't remember which kind. He dressed in an emo style, and Facebook pictures at least suggest he still kind of does, I think. Is your body more curvy or flat? Well, I'm not at all skinny, so... What's your least favorite holiday? Probably Christopher Colombus Day, honestly. You didn't discover shit. Don't pretend to me it's worth celebrating in a clean conscience. if you’re having a boring day what do you usually do? If I'm rock-bottom bored, quite honestly, I normally nap, even though I know I shouldn't. Do you turn to food when you're upset? Ugh, I'm admittedly an emotional eater. I got way better about it, and then I started up again. Is your bf/gf good with your parents? I don't have an s/o. Do you think soda should be served at school? Vending machines are fine I suppose, as I don't believe they should be free seeing as they're nothing but sugar content, and I feel schools shouldn't just hand that out to kids at lunch or something. Do dogs have feelings? They sure do. Are you afraid of snakes? Oh no! I adore them. I respect snakes and am going to give wild ones their space for sure considering I don't recognize every native venomous one, but nevertheless, I'm not afraid of them. They are so vital to the ecosystem and are incredibly fascinating animals that deserve our protection. On that note, PLEASE do not kill any snake you come across in your shed or whatever. Call someone to relocate the terrified thing. Favorite snack? It depends on what I'm in the mood for, really. Ever seen The Notebook? Read the book, seen the movie plenty of times. Do you think cussing is trashy? No. Who is the most famous person you’ve met, if any? Nobody. Do you own any animals that aren’t domestic? No. Have you ever feared that you would lose a body part? No. Do you like gore? Yeah, generally. Do you like to drink water? Ugh, I really don't. I wish I did. Have you ever had a wax? I used to get my eyebrows waxed. Do you have any sets of matching bras and underwear? No. Are you any good at improv? Not at ALL.

[amarabliss]

Eia Au, Eia 'Oe ~ Here I am, here you are - 3 (Steve McGarrett/Twin and Danny Williams/Reader)

Just a things begin to return to normal again after Steve’s arrest and escape, Steve’s twin sister comes walking into their lives McGarrett style dropping an emotional bomb. Danny is intrigued finding it hard to resist that McGarrett charm, finding it irresistible in ways he never thought possible…

Part One Part Two

You leaned back in the chair with your eyes shut feeling the cold sensation flowing up your arm from the chemo treatment. It was the first one of the many that was going to happen.

Your phone pinged, and you reached into your pocket pulling it out. You laughed a little at the picture of Grace that showed up when you opened it. She was wearing a bright tutu, a tux bowtie, holding a spoon, and a deck of cards up with a big smile.

Thanks for watching her the other day, now she wants to be a magician.

You thought back to a few days ago when you met Steve for lunch. You smiled taking in another fork full of a shrimp platter, “When you said food truck I thought you were crazy.”

“Kamekona, knows his shrimp.” Steve smiled watching you scarf it down, “Sis, it’s not going anywhere…no one is going to take it from you.”

“It has been so long since I had good food.” You looked at him winking, “And I would like to enjoy my taste buds. I hear that is a result of chemo is your taste goes pretty south…among other changes that I’ll need to adjust for my diet.”

“So, the doctor called then?” Steve asked as he wiped his hands on a napkin.

“Yep…I will be starting next week.” You pushed a shrimp around.

“Okay. When’s the appointment?” Steve leaned in watching you make a face before shaking your head, “What? I want to be there.”

“It’s on a Monday and you will be called into work.” You pointed your fork at him, “I appreciate it, but you’re too much of a hero to not go to work.”

“Don’t feed his ego.” You looked over your shoulder at Danny walking up big smile on his face as a little girl ran over to Steve, “He’s already reckless enough, I don’t need him thinking he needs to wear a cape.”

You laughed a little as he took a seat next to you as Steve hugged the little girl tightly, “Well you know McGarrett’s don’t know how to keep feet on the ground Detective Williams.”

“Please call me Danny.” He smiled at you and pointed at the little girl tugging on Steve’s arm, “And that is my daughter Grace.”

You looked over at her and smiled, “Hi Grace. It’s nice to meet you.”

“Hi…” She said shyly before retreating behind Steve a little.

“Grace, this is Y/N…She’s Uncle Steve’s sister.” Danny told her.

“Yeah, Grace, this is my twin.” Steve smiled at her.

“She is?” He nodded as she came back out a little, “But…I thought twins were supposed to look the same…”

“That’s identical twins, baby.” Danny told her with a smile. You looked at him dropping your fork a little as he started to explain that there were two types of twins. His eyes just twinkled as he talked to his daughter and it was absolutely endearing.

“Oh, cool!” Grace smiled at you, “Are you a cop too?”

“Uh, no, I am not.” You told her as she became less shy, “But I’m like Uncle Steve and I used to be in the military. I’m taking some time off.”

“Like a vacation?” She asked you.

You nodded, “Exactly, just like a vacation.”

“Cool.” She smiled at you again as both Steve’s and Danny’s phone went off at the same time. Grace’s smile slowly vanished as she started to look toward the ground.

You knew how she felt, but probably not as deeply. Steve stood up slowly glancing at Danny as he hung up waving Grace over, “Monkey…”

“We were supposed to hang out today…” She started to tear up.

Danny frowned pulling her into a tight hug. He looked so hurt and disappointed, “I know, I know baby…I’m gonna call your mom, and the next time you have a half day we’ll try again.”

“But I was supposed to spend the night…we were supposed to have breakfast at Petey’s…” Big crocodile tears went down her face.

“Hey, hey, no tears…” He wiped her face, “no tears…I’ll make it up to you I promise.”

“I could watch her.” You told him as Steve made a noise. You pointed at him, “Don’t…I used to watch Mary all the time and she actually liked me. Besides, I’m sure Grace and I can find something fun to do and then you can pick her up later from our house and still have a sleep over.”

“Dad, can we?” Grace looked at him with those big eyes and you came up behind her pouting as you put your chin on her shoulder.

He couldn’t help but smile before shaking his head, “Well I mean…if you don’t mind. I don’t want to impose.”

“Danny, my plans were to have lunch with my brother and sit on a beach…this is way more fun and magical.” You waved your hands in front of Grace’s face a few times before snapping your fingers making a purple flower bud appear in between your fingers.

Danny smiled as Grace took it amazed at the trick. You told her to ask Steve to get you some lunch before he left, and you looked at Danny a big smiled on your face. He put his hands together in a prayer stance, “Thank you. I owe you.”

“It’s nothing.” You waved your hand at him dismissing it, “Little girls need their dads…if I can help you spend time with her and see a smile. Totally worth it.”

“Well I guarantee, you will see her smile if you keep pulling magic tricks like that one.” He told you pointing at the flower bud in your hand.

“Maybe it’s not her smile I want to see.” You smirked at him as his eyes got wide with surprise. He smiled at you letting out small laugh before looking to the ground, “I should probably get your phone number for safety reasons, is there anything she shouldn’t do?”

Ever since that day he’d sent you a text. Something related to Grace, but then you went back and forth with pleasantries and something witty usually. It was nice to have a connection outside of the house.

She looks like a pro. Do I see a sparkly suit in your future as an assistant?

Danny let out a laugh making Steve glance at him as he started to text again, “What are you so chipper about?”

“Uh…” Danny cleared his throat, “nothing…just a friend sent a text.”

“Friend?” Steve looked at him before he smirked, “Danny, you don’t have friends.”

“Hey, I have lots of friends.” Danny turned to him shaking his head.

“Whatever…” Steve rolled his eyes as Danny’s phone pinged again. Steve watched him open it and get a big smile on his face, “Okay seriously, who is it? A girl? Is it the-the museum lady? Or what?”

“It’s a friend.” Danny told him again.

“Is it a girl?” Steve prodded more.

“Why do you need to know!?” Danny turned to him his voice rising slightly.

Steve shook his head looking back at the road, “I just…you never talk about your friends…and I could only imagine that you would be this giggly if it was a girl.”

“Fine…yes it’s a girl.” Danny rolled his eyes.

“That you’re interested in.” Steve smirked glancing at him as his partners ears got a little red, “Oh…wow…what about uh…Dr. Asano?”

“Oh my god…” Danny shook his head, “I don’t know…but she is just a friend and Gabby…we’re taking things slowly.”

“What’s her name?” Danny kept silent, “Come on…is she from the island? Maybe I know her.”

“I don’t need to tell you everything.” Danny told him tensely, “I do have a private life.”

“Oh…okay.” Steve glanced at him again before falling silent again.

“…how’s your sister?” Danny finally asked him, “She went in for her first treatment, right?”

Steve started to nod a little, “Yeah, she’s gonna call me when it’s done. I might have to go pick her up, but more than likely she’ll call a cab and be stubborn.”

“Oh, you mean like you?” It was Danny’s turn to smirk at him.

“Ha ha, so funny.” Steve rolled his eyes before pulling into the crime scene parking as he let out a sigh, “You know I’m really worried though.”

Danny watched Steve put a hand over his heart for a moment, “I’m sure everything’s going to be fine. Chemo…I’ve heard it works really well.”

“Yeah, but Danny…” Steve looked at him worried, “It’s not a natural forming cancer…it was induced by a chemical…overseas…in some dirty lab…”

“Steve, it’s not that simple…” Danny put a hand on his arm, “She seems like a strong person…I mean she is living with you so she’s gotta be.”

Steve glared at him a little before Danny went on, “But seriously, Steve, from what little I’ve interacted with her she seems upfront. She’ll let you know when she needs help. Until then let’s get our job done so you can go get her.”

[akatsukibandhscenarios]

44. When It's Their Birthday

Itachi It was June 9th, Itachi’s birthday. The whole Akatsuki celebrated and threw a party for the Uchiha. He didn’t seem to care really. Once the dango and other food were gone, it was time for presents. Most of the Akatsuki got him pointless cheap things and some got him nothing at all. Itachi still looked so sad and depressed. He looked at you with hopeful eyes. He hoped you’d make the day worthwhile. “Here Itachi.” You handed him a slip of paper. He looked at it questioningly. “It’s a coupon for free dango for life.” You explained. Everyone watched as Itachi's eyes widened. He looked at the paper and actually smiled. You heard gasps and the sound of Konan fainting. “Happy birthday ‘tachi.” You smiled at him. “Thank you _____.” Itachi stood up and hugged you tightly. “That was the best present.” “You’re welcome.” You and Itachi kissed and held each other. Everyone in the room was even more in shock. You and Itachi couldn’t be happier. Kisame It was March 18th, Kisame's birthday. He seemed enthusiastic about it. The Akatsuki threw a big party. Everyone ate shrimp, crab and cake. When it was time for presents, everyone got him something. Most was things Kisame already had or didn’t want. There was one that confused Kisame. Itachi got him shark food. Kisame questioned it, but Itachi wouldn’t explain. “Come on Kisa. It’s time for your final present.” You told your confused boyfriend. You led Kisame to the pool are. Itachi was following close behind with the shark food. “Happy birthday Kisa.” You said happily. Itachi threw some food towards the water but seconds before it touched the water, a baby shark leapt out to eat the food. “You got me a baby shark?” Kisame gasped before pulling you in for a bear…well shark hug. “This is awesome. I shall name him Sam.” “Sam the shark?” You giggled. It seemed like he was happy about his gift. You just hoped he wouldn’t feed anyone to it. Pein It was September 19th, Nagato’s birthday. Since Pein had been working so much, he forgot it was his birthday. He only remembered when he entered the living room. A surprise party was there waiting for him. After cake and grilled fish, everyone got ready to give Pein his one and only present. “Happy birthday Pein!” You and Konan said together. You handed him a piece of paper. “What is this?” He asked, confused. You and Konan smiled at him. “It’s a vacation to a nice place.” Konan explained. “You and I are both going away for a whole week!” You exclaimed happily. “Away from work, for a whole week?” Pein asked, just to make sure he heard right. “Yup.” You were then hugged by Pein. “Thank you so very much.” Pein pulled away and looked at you hopefully. “When can we leave?” “Now if you want.” Pein then dragged you from the party and headed for his vacation. Pein seemed happy with his gift and you might have even seen him smile. Hidan It was April 2nd, Hidan’s birthday. He loved the attention he was getting. There was a party, cake and spare ribs. He got simple things from the other members. He was disappointed every time he saw his gift. Before his birthday he made it clear he wanted a new Jashin pendant. It seemed like he was never going to get it. “Here Hidan.” You handed him a little box. He sighed and opened it. “You got me a new Jashin pendant?” Hidan’s normal mood fully came back. He jumped up and hugged you. “Thanks bit- I mean thanks _____!” He held you tightly. It was nearly bone crushing. “Hidan you’re killing me.” You choked out. He released you and put his necklace on. “Don’t lose this one. I don’t need to hear your bitching again.” Kakuzu said, in his usual harsh tone. “Shut up Kakuzu!” Hidan yelled. You smiled as the two bickered. It seems like Hidan was happy enough. You did hope he wouldn’t lose the necklace again; it was hard to get a replacement. Kakuzu It was August 15th, Kakuzu’s birthday. He didn’t want a party, since he’s gone through so many before. He was feeling down too, because he hadn’t been able to get any replacement hearts lately so he was down to his own heart. After Kakuzu ate some liver and everyone else ate normal food, it was present time. He got money from most people, but then you set a medium sized cooler on the table. “Happy birthday Kakuzu!” You said loudly and happily. Everyone just stared at it. “It’s from Hidan and I. Open it Kuzu.” “Alright.” Kakuzu opened it and saw all the replacement hearts he needs. “You got me hearts?” “Yup, they are all of the chakra natures you need too.” You said with a big smile. “Thank you.” Kakuzu closed the cooler and hugged you. It was a rare display of affection around others, so you knew he was extremely thankful and maybe even a little happy. You hoped he’d tell you now how old he really was. Zetsu Zetsu didn’t have a birthday and he was very upset over it. Everyone around him was getting a party, except him. You decided that July 27th would be his birthday. You and the rest of the Akatsuki threw him a party. You all played games, ate cake and had a good time. It was finally present time. You and Zetsu left the group to go outside. Once outside Zetsu saw a pile of bodies. “What’s all this?” White Zetsu asked, sounding very excited. “Happy birthday Zetsu. All of these are for you.” You said smiling at your boyfriend. “I get to eat all these people?” The black half questioned. “As long as I’m not around to see it, yes.” “Well I suggest you go away then.” “Alright, have fun.” You rolled your eyes and left. Zetsu was happy to have so many bodies to eat. He wouldn’t be happy after you told him that you won’t kiss him until he cleaned his mouth our 10 times. Tobi It was February 10th, Obito’s birthday. Clearly Tobi decided to not lie about that. He had been bouncing around weeks before yelling about his birthday. Everyone figured Tobi would cry if he didn’t get party, so that’s what was going on. Cake, ice cream and all of Tobi’s favorite foods were eaten. “Rime for Tobi’s presents!” Tobi yelled suddenly. You rolled your eyes and gave Tobi all his presents. He opened everyone else’s first and then got to yours. He got toys and games from everyone. He hoped for something less childish from you. You handed him a bag. He quickly pulled out your gift; a mask. “It’s special.” You informed him, with a smile on your face. “What does Tobi’s new mask do?” Tobi questioned. “It changes colors, designs and shapes based on what you want.” “Really?” Tobi ran off to try it on. He seemed happy enough to have a new mask. You hoped Obito liked it as much as Tobi did. Deidara It was May 5th, Deidara’s birthday. He didn’t really want a party; he just wanted a small celebration. Everyone ate food, cake and other random things. When it was time to give Deidara his presents, you noticed no one got him anything good. You were thankful you made him a great person. When it was your turn, you led everyone outside. Everyone sat down to watch the explosion show. “Is this is?” Sasori grumbled. You rolled your eyes and told him to keep watching. ‘Happy Birthday Deidara!’ was lit up in the sky. Once that faded ‘Art is an Explosion!’ lit up the sky. “Whoa that was true art, hm!” Deidara said happily. He hugged you and smiled. “Thank you, hm!” “You also have another present, but that will be shown to you in private.” You whispered to your boyfriend. He was happy before, but now he seemed to be even happier. Today seemed like a good day. Sasori It was November 8th, Sasori’s birthday. Since he didn’t age, he didn’t think he needed a party or anything. Deidara got him a gift, but other than him, only you got Sasori anything. You and Sasori were in the room the two of you share. He was relaxing on the bed, and you were getting his gift. It was a wooden box. It was carved and looked beautiful. It was about as long as his arm and as wide as his chest. It was pretty heavy. “What is that?” Sasori asked, sitting up. “Your present.” You smiled and set it on the bed. Sasori got closer to it and opened it. Inside there were two puppets. One looked like you and one was like Sasori. They looked a little freaky since you weren’t as skilled with making puppets as Sasori is. “I made those. I know they look weird but-” “They are beautiful.” Sasori said, cutting you off. You smiled at him, thankful for his words. “Happy birthday Sasori.” You mumbled as he pulled you to him for a kiss. He seemed happy about his new puppets. He was even smiling at you.         

Madara

It was the day before Christmas, December 24th and you were busy preparing all your usual traditional decorations. You were also baking cookies and other various foods. Your friends were coming over the following day and you wanted it all to be perfect. However, there was one who was clearly not in the holiday mood; Madara. He was sulking on the couch, half watching bad Christmas movies.

“Madara, what’s your problem?” You asked, pausing your decorating for a moment.

“Who cares? Tomorrow is what’s important.” His tone was bitter, alerting you to an issue and not just him being his regular bitter self.

“Tell me, please?”

“Today is my birthday.” Madara mumbled a moment later.

“I had no idea. I’m sorry. I would have celebrated it with you.” You sat on the couch with him, a sad look on your face.

“Don’t worry, it isn’t a day to celebrate.”

“Well, come on. Let’s get ready for tomorrow together. Maybe that will cheer you up.” You pulled Madara into the kitchen to help with decorating cookies. He ate a bit more than he decorated, but it succeeded in cheering him up. Overall, he was just happy to finally have a good birthday, all because of you.

[easyfoodnetwork]

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love My Freezer

hutchyb for Getty Images/iStockphoto

There’s a technique — even a flair — to freezing food successfully

My mother is what you might call a culinary cryogenicist. Long before the crew at the Noma Food Lab grew their first flavor spore, my mom was experimenting with the effects of age and temperature on all kinds of foodstuffs: the last two bites of some mac and cheese. Four shrimp. One-third of a pork chop. Three matzo balls. Half a bag of green beans tied shut with a trash bag twist-tie. An old joint. Eight slices of rye bread. Raisins. So. Much. Ham. And that’s just the first shelf of the freezer.

It was a talent she inherited. Her own mother was a master of the freezer arts, best exemplified by the very same “tray of frozen shrimp” offered to us on every grandparent visit for more than two decades; it became a running family joke. As a member of the next generation, however, my family’s faith in the preservation power of cold turned me into a devoted freezer snob. For most of my adult life, my freezer has remained a sacred space reserved for only the most cold-hardy ingredients — ice cream, popsicles, those giant cocktail ice spheres, and maybe the occasional box of toaster waffles or bag of frozen peas. Meat? God no. Fish? Please, back away and leave quietly.

In my mind, freezing things ruined their precious molecular integrity by turning them into rock-hard cubes. Meat is normally prized for its “freshness.” In the fields, crops are carefully covered to prevent freezing, so why put them under such duress in your own home? Having kids a few years ago loosened me up a bit — show me one child-rearing American household a without a frozen bag of dinosaur-shaped chicken blobs lurking somewhere. But overall, for the better part of the last decade, my freezer has remained as sleek and food-free as an after-hours Apple Store.

But when COVID-19 hit I admittedly went into full hoarder mode. My diet, like my fashion, is dictated by my mood (it’s also why I’m a chronic over-packer). With annual memberships to Instacart, Amazon Fresh, and a handful of specialty grocers down the street, I’d become accustomed to getting all the ingredients to sate any craving within an hour of it hitting. Maintaining that level of spontaneity in the time of supermarket lines and impossible delivery queues meant stocking up in ways I’d never fathomed before.

Even with a family of four eating three-plus meals a day, the kind of inventory I was sporting needed to be able to hang out a while. And so, it was with deep reservations that I finally began freezing things — though the real miracle didn’t occur until I began un-freezing them.

First I tried a pork tenderloin, one of three I had purchased at Costco a few weeks earlier. Following the advice of the pros, I took it out of the freezer and put it in my fridge overnight, cooked it as usual, and it was… fine. Good, even. Next I tried salmon — I’ve had terrible experiences with frozen seafood in the past, so my hopes were low for the three rosy-pink portions I defrosted and broiled. But again, the resulting fish was surprisingly moist, fatty, firm, delicious.

After that I started throwing everything in the freezer just to see: ground turkey, chicken thighs. All were fine. Then I moved into pizza dough, shredded cheese, blanched vegetables; then on to chili, tortillas, pancakes, whole loaves of bread, coffee (while dry coffee beans won’t technically “go bad,” their flavor and aroma suffer over time). Pretty much every single thing I froze — and later unfroze — emerged as relatively unharmed and tasty as the day I bought it. (Notable exceptions included skim milk and some poorly wrapped steaks, and it took some serious trial and error with fresh greens.)

Now, as we go into week five… or six? of “safer at home” measures, my freezer has transformed from a sterile ice-storage facility to a clutch partner in culinary crime. Today the once-barren shelves are buckling beneath the weight of dated and labeled baggies and bins with enough perfectly preserved food to more than bridge the gap between bi-weekly produce box deliveries and masked-up grocery runs.

But as it turns out, my mom and grandmother were, in fact, artists — there is a technique, even a flair to freezing food successfully. Wrap something improperly or defrost incorrectly and you might not just risk the integrity of your ingredients, but also your health. So after a month or so of embracing my familial fate and becoming a frozen food convert, here are a few lessons I’ve learned:

The Container Matters

I know, plastic is the enemy, but those fancy glass containers can crack in the freezer. According to the experts, the best way to freeze food is in a vacuum-seal bag that you suction yourself with one of those fancy machines to minimize air (air is your enemy in the great freezer wars). I don’t have one of those — though I’ve been eyeing this one on Amazon — so I use regular old freezer-grade zipper bags and press out as much air as possible before sealing. There’s also a trick where you mimic a vacuum sealer with a drinking straw, slipping it in the corner of the bag and sucking out as much air as you can before pulling the straw out at the last minute, but I felt weird inhaling all those funky meat fumes. My Instagram feed has been full of ads for these pricey silicone bags that I hear work well but I’ve yet to give them a test run.

Either way, you’re going for minimal air exposure and some thickness barrier — a little cushion between your food and the freezer air will help prevent that dreaded freezer burn, a damaging mix of oxidation and dehydration.

Prep Is Key

For meat and fish, you generally want to remove them from their original packaging and re-wrap in individual portions before freezing. Wrapping each cut in an extra layer of plastic before putting them in the zipper bag adds another degree of protection. Timing is key here. Freeze cuts of meat immediately after you get them home, or better yet, buy them pre-frozen. There are entire industries built around freezing fish in a way that sacrifices the least in the way of flavor and texture, so trust the pros — they know what they’re doing.

Vegetables, for the most part, should be quickly blanched before freezing. The drag here is that in the process of blanching, they absorb too much water to get any sort of good roasty char later, but it’s a small price to pay for having quality seasonal produce year-round. Before you blanch, prep the ingredients the way you plan to eat them, meaning separating broccoli and cauliflower into florets, snapping the ends off green beans, and chopping greens. Then boil a big pot of water and dunk the vegetables in for about a minute before plunging immediately into a big bowl of icy water. This will keep them from continuing to cook and turning to mush. The next part is key: Dry everything as best you can. The more water, the thicker the tectonic ice coating you’ll get on every piece. Then put everything into baggies and freeze.

Fruit freezing techniques vary — it all depends what you want to use them for. No amount of freezer skill will recreate the experience of biting into a fresh peach after it’s been frozen. But for smoothies, pie fillings, baking, or juice, most fruit will freeze just fine. Bananas freeze great, peel and all. Berries you’ll want to rinse, dry, then let freeze on a large flat surface like a cookie sheet before transferring to bags. If you want to use citrus just for zest or juice, go ahead and freeze them whole. They say you can freeze citrus in wedges individually, but I found the texture suffers greatly after defrosting, and honestly I can’t imagine what you’d want to use floppy, deflated tangerine wedges for. Juice is no problem — just squeeze, put the juice into an ice cube mold and freeze. You can pop them out later and transfer to a plastic bag for easier storage.

The above ice-cube tray technique works well for all kinds of liquids and purees. I actually bought these cool molds to freeze baby food for my second kid, and I use them now for smaller portions of stocks, lemon juice, pesto, pizza sauce. For larger batches, I pour a couple of cups into a zipper bag, get out as much air as possible, and freeze them flat so I can stack them later.

Breads freeze fantastically, but as a rule pre-sliced is best. I started buying giant loaves of my favorite rye bread from the farmers market and keep them in the freezer full-time, toasting off individual slices as needed; my mom perfected a technique with bagels that involves slicing them as soon as you get them home, wrapping each half separately, and then toasting them direct from the freezer. Pre-cooked tortillas and pita you can just wrap, freeze, and cook off one by one, but my most exciting recent discovery has been in the realm of pre-baked goods. It turns out most doughs recover well after freezing, and I just made a batch of biscuits using this technique that has you freezing the raw, cut biscuits ahead of time and baking them off as needed. It’s opened up a whole new world of frozen pastry projects for me.

I’m sure there’s some technique to freezing cheese but honestly I just put whole hunks and bags of the pre-shredded stuff straight into the freezer. I don’t really freeze milk but the wisdom is that the more fat content, the better it freezes, so half-and-half freezes great, skim milk not so much. Coffee I found out you can freeze and brew straight from frozen, which is excellent considering it is an absolute nonnegotiable in my house.

*If you’re curious about any other ingredient, there are countless guides to freezing food online that will steer you in the right direction.

Don’t Rush the Defrost

(Even Though Sometimes I Do, But It’s Really Risky, Okay?)

The basic rule of thumb for pretty much everything is low and slow. Put whatever you want to defrost in the refrigerator the night before you want to cook it — sometimes longer for big cuts of meat — and let it come to temperature gradually. I do this... most times. But there is a reason your microwave has a “defrost” setting, and it will definitely speed things along if also putting you at risk of prematurely cooking the edges of your chicken breast. I’ve successfully defrosted smaller cuts of fish and shrimp by running the bags under cold water in the sink for a few minutes until soft enough to handle, but this is not officially endorsed by the pros. What you’re definitely not supposed to do is let your ingredients hang out at room temp until they defrost. I have done this too, though it is a surefire recipe for a bacterial infection and this is not the time you want to be running to the ER for dehydration.

The point is, the freezer might be cold and dark, but it is not at all a thing to fear. Utilizing it well has helped me maintain the kind of spur-of-the-moment cooking style that feels normal to me — a valuable thing when pretty much everything else about my life right now does not feel normal. Now all I need is a bigger freezer.

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There’s a technique — even a flair — to freezing food successfully

My mother is what you might call a culinary cryogenicist. Long before the crew at the Noma Food Lab grew their first flavor spore, my mom was experimenting with the effects of age and temperature on all kinds of foodstuffs: the last two bites of some mac and cheese. Four shrimp. One-third of a pork chop. Three matzo balls. Half a bag of green beans tied shut with a trash bag twist-tie. An old joint. Eight slices of rye bread. Raisins. So. Much. Ham. And that’s just the first shelf of the freezer.

It was a talent she inherited. Her own mother was a master of the freezer arts, best exemplified by the very same “tray of frozen shrimp” offered to us on every grandparent visit for more than two decades; it became a running family joke. As a member of the next generation, however, my family’s faith in the preservation power of cold turned me into a devoted freezer snob. For most of my adult life, my freezer has remained a sacred space reserved for only the most cold-hardy ingredients — ice cream, popsicles, those giant cocktail ice spheres, and maybe the occasional box of toaster waffles or bag of frozen peas. Meat? God no. Fish? Please, back away and leave quietly.

In my mind, freezing things ruined their precious molecular integrity by turning them into rock-hard cubes. Meat is normally prized for its “freshness.” In the fields, crops are carefully covered to prevent freezing, so why put them under such duress in your own home? Having kids a few years ago loosened me up a bit — show me one child-rearing American household a without a frozen bag of dinosaur-shaped chicken blobs lurking somewhere. But overall, for the better part of the last decade, my freezer has remained as sleek and food-free as an after-hours Apple Store.

But when COVID-19 hit I admittedly went into full hoarder mode. My diet, like my fashion, is dictated by my mood (it’s also why I’m a chronic over-packer). With annual memberships to Instacart, Amazon Fresh, and a handful of specialty grocers down the street, I’d become accustomed to getting all the ingredients to sate any craving within an hour of it hitting. Maintaining that level of spontaneity in the time of supermarket lines and impossible delivery queues meant stocking up in ways I’d never fathomed before.

Even with a family of four eating three-plus meals a day, the kind of inventory I was sporting needed to be able to hang out a while. And so, it was with deep reservations that I finally began freezing things — though the real miracle didn’t occur until I began un-freezing them.

First I tried a pork tenderloin, one of three I had purchased at Costco a few weeks earlier. Following the advice of the pros, I took it out of the freezer and put it in my fridge overnight, cooked it as usual, and it was… fine. Good, even. Next I tried salmon — I’ve had terrible experiences with frozen seafood in the past, so my hopes were low for the three rosy-pink portions I defrosted and broiled. But again, the resulting fish was surprisingly moist, fatty, firm, delicious.

After that I started throwing everything in the freezer just to see: ground turkey, chicken thighs. All were fine. Then I moved into pizza dough, shredded cheese, blanched vegetables; then on to chili, tortillas, pancakes, whole loaves of bread, coffee (while dry coffee beans won’t technically “go bad,” their flavor and aroma suffer over time). Pretty much every single thing I froze — and later unfroze — emerged as relatively unharmed and tasty as the day I bought it. (Notable exceptions included skim milk and some poorly wrapped steaks, and it took some serious trial and error with fresh greens.)

Now, as we go into week five… or six? of “safer at home” measures, my freezer has transformed from a sterile ice-storage facility to a clutch partner in culinary crime. Today the once-barren shelves are buckling beneath the weight of dated and labeled baggies and bins with enough perfectly preserved food to more than bridge the gap between bi-weekly produce box deliveries and masked-up grocery runs.

But as it turns out, my mom and grandmother were, in fact, artists — there is a technique, even a flair to freezing food successfully. Wrap something improperly or defrost incorrectly and you might not just risk the integrity of your ingredients, but also your health. So after a month or so of embracing my familial fate and becoming a frozen food convert, here are a few lessons I’ve learned:

The Container Matters

I know, plastic is the enemy, but those fancy glass containers can crack in the freezer. According to the experts, the best way to freeze food is in a vacuum-seal bag that you suction yourself with one of those fancy machines to minimize air (air is your enemy in the great freezer wars). I don’t have one of those — though I’ve been eyeing this one on Amazon — so I use regular old freezer-grade zipper bags and press out as much air as possible before sealing. There’s also a trick where you mimic a vacuum sealer with a drinking straw, slipping it in the corner of the bag and sucking out as much air as you can before pulling the straw out at the last minute, but I felt weird inhaling all those funky meat fumes. My Instagram feed has been full of ads for these pricey silicone bags that I hear work well but I’ve yet to give them a test run.

Either way, you’re going for minimal air exposure and some thickness barrier — a little cushion between your food and the freezer air will help prevent that dreaded freezer burn, a damaging mix of oxidation and dehydration.

Prep Is Key

For meat and fish, you generally want to remove them from their original packaging and re-wrap in individual portions before freezing. Wrapping each cut in an extra layer of plastic before putting them in the zipper bag adds another degree of protection. Timing is key here. Freeze cuts of meat immediately after you get them home, or better yet, buy them pre-frozen. There are entire industries built around freezing fish in a way that sacrifices the least in the way of flavor and texture, so trust the pros — they know what they’re doing.

Vegetables, for the most part, should be quickly blanched before freezing. The drag here is that in the process of blanching, they absorb too much water to get any sort of good roasty char later, but it’s a small price to pay for having quality seasonal produce year-round. Before you blanch, prep the ingredients the way you plan to eat them, meaning separating broccoli and cauliflower into florets, snapping the ends off green beans, and chopping greens. Then boil a big pot of water and dunk the vegetables in for about a minute before plunging immediately into a big bowl of icy water. This will keep them from continuing to cook and turning to mush. The next part is key: Dry everything as best you can. The more water, the thicker the tectonic ice coating you’ll get on every piece. Then put everything into baggies and freeze.

Fruit freezing techniques vary — it all depends what you want to use them for. No amount of freezer skill will recreate the experience of biting into a fresh peach after it’s been frozen. But for smoothies, pie fillings, baking, or juice, most fruit will freeze just fine. Bananas freeze great, peel and all. Berries you’ll want to rinse, dry, then let freeze on a large flat surface like a cookie sheet before transferring to bags. If you want to use citrus just for zest or juice, go ahead and freeze them whole. They say you can freeze citrus in wedges individually, but I found the texture suffers greatly after defrosting, and honestly I can’t imagine what you’d want to use floppy, deflated tangerine wedges for. Juice is no problem — just squeeze, put the juice into an ice cube mold and freeze. You can pop them out later and transfer to a plastic bag for easier storage.

The above ice-cube tray technique works well for all kinds of liquids and purees. I actually bought these cool molds to freeze baby food for my second kid, and I use them now for smaller portions of stocks, lemon juice, pesto, pizza sauce. For larger batches, I pour a couple of cups into a zipper bag, get out as much air as possible, and freeze them flat so I can stack them later.

Breads freeze fantastically, but as a rule pre-sliced is best. I started buying giant loaves of my favorite rye bread from the farmers market and keep them in the freezer full-time, toasting off individual slices as needed; my mom perfected a technique with bagels that involves slicing them as soon as you get them home, wrapping each half separately, and then toasting them direct from the freezer. Pre-cooked tortillas and pita you can just wrap, freeze, and cook off one by one, but my most exciting recent discovery has been in the realm of pre-baked goods. It turns out most doughs recover well after freezing, and I just made a batch of biscuits using this technique that has you freezing the raw, cut biscuits ahead of time and baking them off as needed. It’s opened up a whole new world of frozen pastry projects for me.

I’m sure there’s some technique to freezing cheese but honestly I just put whole hunks and bags of the pre-shredded stuff straight into the freezer. I don’t really freeze milk but the wisdom is that the more fat content, the better it freezes, so half-and-half freezes great, skim milk not so much. Coffee I found out you can freeze and brew straight from frozen, which is excellent considering it is an absolute nonnegotiable in my house.

*If you’re curious about any other ingredient, there are countless guides to freezing food online that will steer you in the right direction.

Don’t Rush the Defrost

(Even Though Sometimes I Do, But It’s Really Risky, Okay?)

The basic rule of thumb for pretty much everything is low and slow. Put whatever you want to defrost in the refrigerator the night before you want to cook it — sometimes longer for big cuts of meat — and let it come to temperature gradually. I do this... most times. But there is a reason your microwave has a “defrost” setting, and it will definitely speed things along if also putting you at risk of prematurely cooking the edges of your chicken breast. I’ve successfully defrosted smaller cuts of fish and shrimp by running the bags under cold water in the sink for a few minutes until soft enough to handle, but this is not officially endorsed by the pros. What you’re definitely not supposed to do is let your ingredients hang out at room temp until they defrost. I have done this too, though it is a surefire recipe for a bacterial infection and this is not the time you want to be running to the ER for dehydration.

The point is, the freezer might be cold and dark, but it is not at all a thing to fear. Utilizing it well has helped me maintain the kind of spur-of-the-moment cooking style that feels normal to me — a valuable thing when pretty much everything else about my life right now does not feel normal. Now all I need is a bigger freezer.

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[fourteen--steps]

Thank you so much @headbuttingunicorn​ :D :D :D

I’m not 100% sure where my little guys originally came from but odds are good it was a feeder tank. The LFS if I’m being optimistic but probably like Petsmart. I rescued them from a bowl after about a week and a half dying in the lobby of my apartment building, they were definitely pretty sorry looking then :/

For the last year and a half or so the three survivors lived in this 50 g

Which technically could have sustained them for most of their lives (I think even by bare minimum standards a 65 would probably be necessary eventually for three fish), but it has weird dimensions (15x36x20″) and honestly?? They were just outgrowing it. They’re over 6 inches now at just a little over two years old. But I’ll talk about their care in here anyway because that’s where they’ve done most of their growing and living the majority of their life.

LOTS of filtration. I've had two Aquaclear 70s on this tank the whole time it’s been up, and for the last 4 months or so, a SunSun HW-304B canister as well. The AC’s are 300 gph (gallons per hour) each, and the SunSun is hOLY SHIT 525 gph oh my god how have I not noticed that.

(Weird story with that one??? I thought I ordered the 265 gph model, found I’d accidentally ordered the 370 gph model, and when the box arrived they had sent me this one which is oh my gooooodddddd 525 wat)

So I had around 600 (and then 1100 whooopps that’s maybe a little too much) total turnover per hour, or about 12x the volume of the tank. With goldfish I always recommend at least 10x, minimum. It really makes such a difference. Even if your water tests come up clear on water change day, the quicker you’re getting the ammonia and nitrite processed out of the water, the less stress the fish’s systems are under in the long run.

They're not expensive either! The Aquaclears are about $45 each online, and the canister is similar. Although sunsun being an Asian company their prices fluctuate a bit. 

I have a shit ton of pothos on my tank too, for nitrate munching purposes since my water comes out of the tap already at 10-20 ppm. I.... think it’s going to eat me someday o_O this is it with like four feet of trimming at least. 

And even with all that, water changes! I’ll admit I wasn’t always solid on my w/c schedule, my health is iffy at best and running on a 10 day schedule happened fairly often, although I DO NOT recommend that. To make up for it, I almost always do 60-90% changes. Contrary to popular belief, large water changes are not harmful to your fish or your cycle as long as you match the pH and temperature of the fresh water going in. I refill in chunks over the course of an hour or so to avoid shocking them, they pout during the process but as soon as I restart the filters they’re back to normal.

I recently, and I mean recently, as in last week, upgraded to a FRICKIN’ ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY GALLON TANK??? OMFUCKINGFUCK LOOK

I LOVE IT SO MUCH AND SO DO THEY :D 

Holy shit I’ve been fighting with the manufacturers over this thing for wEEKS IT’S FINALLY HERE. 72″x24″x20″ which is such a good shape for goldfish, much better than the standard 150 which is taller and thinner. Ahhh they’re so happy they just go nyoooooom nyooom from one end to the other, and I can add more friends!! Right now I have Remy, Lilac, Ludi, and little Ametrine in there. Plus Sumi in quarantine, but she’s really sick all of a sudden which is why this post took longer than I meant it too, sorry :( I don’t know what happened she just dropsied out of nowhere the other night. She was due to join the others in a week or two, but if she pulls through she’s getting an extended QT now to be sure she’s really healthy

And a skinny lil blind dude I picked up not long ago who may or may not live by himself depending on if I think he can hold his own with the others or not? He’s a spunky cutie but Very Tiny.

Anyway the tank is kind of a mess cause I just chucked every piece of spare decor I have in there to give them something to do, but I have some nice driftwood and just bought a ton of anubias and I’m gonna try actual planted this time!!!

Food food yum yum :) Variety is the spice of life. This pic is from a while ago, I’ve added more to this now probably

I use the Omega One and Thera A as daily staples, rotated with smatterings of the other pellets, as well as Repashy Soilent Green and some of my own homemade gel foods. I really wanna try Northfin pellets too, or AAP Paradigm when I get around to it. I do veggies a few times a week, I’ll buy a bunch of stuff fresh and then blanch and freeze it in baggies to feed over the next couple months. Zucchini, peas, bok choy, cauliflower, kale, spinach, collard greens, broccoli, watercress, etc etc. I usually have four or five at any given time. The frozen proteins I do once every week or two. I’m super allergic to bloodworms so those are a special treat I only feed with gloves :P but they get mysis or brine shrimp usually. 

It looks intimidating, but it’s not that difficult. I acquired this stuff bit by bit over the course of a year so you don’t have to go spend a ton of money at once. If I ever just happen to see something that looks fairly good quality for an okay price I’ll grab a small container to try out. Some I end up liking, some I don’t, but even the mediocre stuff I sometimes use as a junk treat, or as snail food. Like I wouldn’t use any of the foods here besides the Repashy, Omega One, Northfin, or NLS as staples. The Aqueon is okay-ish if you have no other option, but the Cobalt is too high in protein for daily feeding, and Hikari has gone so downhill in the last few years. I honestly wouldn’t even buy it, I just feel obligated to use up the bag I already have. Pick maybe two of those staple foods to keep on hand, rotate in veggies a few times a week, some frozen protein here and there and you’re set, don’t absolutely need anything else. Of course more is always better, if you can. 

And yes, sigh, dumb as bricks aren’t they? Picky too sometimes. Try a bunch of different vegetables, leafy greens are a good place to start, or zucchini. Boil them soft (you can just chuck it in a glass of conditioned water in the microwave for 2-5 minutes) and cut it into little bite sized pieces. If they don’t go for it right away, keep trying for a couple of days in a row. Eventually they’ll get hungry and warm up to it. Keep your plec occupied with something of his own to eat and feed the goldies at the other end of the tank to try and get them all a bit of something green to eat. 

Veggies high in carotenes are really good for enhancing color. So besides your obvious ones like carrot and sweet potato, that’s also going to be your dark leafy greens! If you can get your lil guys onto stuff like collard, spinach, chard, etc, that’ll definitely make a difference in their coloration :)

Gel foods are also a really good option for picky eaters. I’ve never heard of a goldfish that doesn’t like gel, seriously, they adore that shit. You can get premade mixes like Repashy, which you just mix up with some hot water and set in the fridge or freezer. Or you can make your own! Here’s some recipe ideas, or just google “goldfish gel food,” you can scale them waaaaay down if you want. I make pretty small batches that last a long time. And feel free to swap out ingredients too and experiment, or make up your own completely. Just stick to lean, low mercury seafood, and produce without too much sugar and you can mix and match as you please. The one in my freezer right now is mostly watercress and bok choy, a couple spoonfuls of NLS, some cloves of fresh garlic, spirulina, a few baby carrots, a bunch of gross string algae I scooped out of the snail tank, and a dash of paprika. The kids adore it.

Uhhhh let’s see, anything else? I treat with prazi once a year or so, preventative maintenance, like deworming your dog. Besides that I keep medicating to a minimum unless it’s really dire. Minor scrapes and bumps I leave be. Have pretty hard high pH water, usually around 8-8.2. No heater or chiller but the water temp stays low-mid 70s most of the time

I dunno, just plenty of love and attention! I redecorate their tank and make them little toys (try some sturdy nontoxic plastic beads threaded on fishing line, especially if you can find somewhere to wedge food in, enjoy the ensuing adorable) talk to them, draw on the glass...

I love them!!! So much!!!! I owe them my life many times over, that’s not an exaggeration at all. Seeing them in their new tank has really reminded me of how far they’ve come and how much they mean to me. I’m not always a perfect owner and there are times I fall down on their care, but they’re still fat and happy and I’m always trying to do better

[actfact2-blog]

What I spent on groceries in July (A Grocery Geek report)

Want a peek into our grocery cart? Here’s how I’m buying groceries and feeding eight people on the cheap.

Hey there! Hi there! Can you believe how quickly the summer has flown by? We are inching up on back to school, so I’m battening down the hatches!

July was a pretty relaxing month with beach days and trips to the movies and a weeklong visit from friends-closer-than-family, but at the same time, I tried to keep my eye open for things that will make my life easier once school starts.

If you’re new here, you might not know that I teach my kids at home. The two eldest are in college, but I’ve got four students on my watch. Trust me when I say, “The days are just packed!”

That means I need to be on my game. This month I spent a fair amount of time prepping fruit for the freezer. Or rather, my daughters did. They were my chief cherry pitters as I stocked up on cherries that were on sale. All my kids love to make smoothies, so if I can fill our freezer with bargain frozen fruit, we’re in business.

I also found a few other items on clearance, like a variety of jams with at least a year before their best-by dates. That’s the only good thing about your Walmart remodeling. They unload some good stuff for cheap. The rest of the time, you’re cursing them for moving EVERYTHING to a new location.

But, I digress.

You’ll notice that our overall bill this month is a little higher than normal. I attribute that to a few splurges at ALDI as well as the stocking up for later thing. Since our average was already under budget, I had plenty of cushion to go over. In fact, our year-to-date average is still under budget! Yay!

And we’ve got surplus in the freezer and cupboards for future months. With six kids it’s pretty hard to get ahead in a truly substantial way — they are perpetually hungry! — but I’m trying. In doing so, particularly when I find screaming deals, we save a lot of money.

Per the most recent USDA food cost reports (link below), we’re more than $300 UNDER a food stamp budget for a family of our make-up. Yay for good cheap eats!

The Grocery Geek report

For those of you new here, Grocery Geek is my regular report of how I shopped for groceries, what deals I found, and my running total of how we’re sticking to a budget for groceries.

Here’s the rundown on my shopping this week. As you read, keep in mind who and how I’m shopping:

My grocery shopping profile

To update you on my grocery geekiness:

I’m feeding eight people, ages 55, 46, 21, 17, 16, 14, 11, and 9. Five of those people are males. They eat A LOT!

I’m shooting for a budget of $1100 this year, trying to beat what the feds think it will cost. Per the most recent USDA food cost reports it should cost our family $1346.60 to eat all meals at home under the “thrifty plan” for people of our demographics.

We live in Southern California where produce is cheap, but meat and dairy are not.

I’m trying to feed us mostly unprocessed foods, with a few “healthier” convenience items thrown in and a junk food splurge* here and there.

I work at home and teach five of our kids, so I don’t have as much time for fiddling in the kitchen as I would like.

I no longer use coupons on a regular basis, though I do love the coupons that Ralphs offers.

I have at least ten grocery stores within 5.5 miles of my house. It is easy (for better or for worse) to stop at several stores to get the best deals.

We mostly eat at home. My husband and college age son often pack lunch and breakfast to work, but sometime have lunch out. My husband and I enjoy a date once a week. FishPapa takes one child out to “dinner with dad” once a week. We eat out as a family on average once a week.

BEFORE YOU JUDGE ME FOR EXTRAVAGANCE, please read this post.

What we spent on groceries in July:

Sprouts

strawberries $0.97/lb (stockpiling in freezer)

5# bag potatoes $1.99

cilantro $0.50/bundle

granny smith apples $0.99/lb

green bell peppers $0.77 each

green onions $0.50

lettuce $0.99/head

zucchini $1.49/lb

jalapeños 8/$1.00

nectarines $0.98/lb

organic gala apples $0.99/lb

organic celery $1.99

red bell peppers $1.25 each

cherries $0.97/lb (stockpiling in freezer)

red onions $0.99/lb

watermelon $2.99

bag shishito peppers $2.99

baking powder $1.99

lemon ginger tea $3.49

carne asada $3.99/lb

fresh sausage $2.99/lb

xtra lean ground beef $2.99/lb

French bread $1.89/loaf

Total spent $87

Vitacost

Occasionally I order flour from Vitacost as a way to find better quality at a reasonable price.

bread flour $4.69/5# bag (stockpiling in freezer)

whole wheat flour $3.19/3# bag (stockpiling in freezer)

Total spent $43

Ralphs

whipping cream $5.49

eggs $3.99

Total spent $10

Sprouts

strawberries $0.97 (stockpiling in freezer)

cilantro $0.50

hot house cucumber $1.50

organic baby spinach $4.99

red bell peppers $1.25

cherries $0.95/lb (stockpiling in freezer)

tea $3.49

greek yogurt $2.99

Total spent $19

Trader Joe’s

maple syrup $15.99

cereal $1.99

frozen chicken tenderloins $7.49 (stockpiling in freezer)

milk $2.69

frozen green beans $1.99 (stockpiling in freezer)

almond butter $5.99

juice $2.99

cheddar $2.47

hummus $4.99

3-pack peppers $3.29

Total spent $61

Sprouts

mini watermelon $0.95 each

raspberries $1.50

cherries $0.95/lb (stockpiling in freezer)

bananas $0.59/lb (stockpiling in freezer)

mozzarella $6.99/2#

greek yogurt $2.99

Total spent $38

Ralphs

grape tomatoes $2.99

deli salami $5.50

sushi $8.99 each

deli turkey $10.39

Boursin cheese $3.99

Brie $6.30

Total spent $53

Walmart

milk $2.39

powdered sugar $1.98

sugar $1.98

turbinado $3.98

unbleached flour $5.98

brown sugar $1.98

Total spent $25

Costco

olive oil $14.69-$14.99

dry pinto beans $5.69

organic brown rice $11.99

frozen yakisoba $11.49

hummus singles $6.49

chicken bake $10.99

rotisserie chickens $4.99 each

craisins $4.89

organic spaghetti $8.89

kirkland tuna $12.99

cheddar jack shreds $12.59

organic quinoa $9.49

pesto $4.89

organic honey $13.49

avocado oil $9.69

shredded mozzarella $11.99

pita $3.39

frozen tilapia $16.49 (stockpiling in freezer)

Tillamook cheddar $8.99

frozen french fries $6.59

romaine 6-pack $3.99

frozen Hawaiian chicken $11.49

roast whole turkey breast $3.99/lb

tortillas $3.69

mixed bell peppers 6-pack $6.99

frozen ono $19.89 (stockpiling in freezer)

greek yogurt $5.59

butter $11.19

Total spent $365

Sprouts

blueberries 18 oz. $1.97 (stockpiling in freezer)

pineapple $1.98

apples $0.50/lb

plums $0.98/lb

nectarines $0.98/lb

organic baby carrots $0.98/lb

red cherries $0.95/lb (stockpiling in freezer)

apple cider vinegar $4.99

Total spent $33

Ralphs

green salsa $0.79

cilantro $0.69

jalapeños $0.99/lb

canned tomatoes $1.69

Total spent $5

Ralphs

cereal $0.99 to 1.69

ice cream and popsicles $4.49 to 4.99

chocolate chips $3.49

grapes $2.99/lb

bananas $0.59/lb

grapefruit $1.29

melon $0.77

mushrooms $2.29

broccoli $1.99/lb

Total spent $38

Sprouts

baby carrots $1.29

melon $0.98

grape tomatoes $1.50

XL avocados $1.66

organic bananas $0.69/lb

mango 2/$1

sweet onions $0.68/lb

organic coconut milk $1.99

greek yogurt $2.99

frozen strawberries $2.99

Total spent $33

ALDI

eggs $0.94

bottled sparkling water $0.69 each after CRV

frozen tamales $5.49

milk $2.10

whipping cream $1.99

tomato paste $0.39

flour tortillas $1.59

fruit $2.19

pepperoni $2.19

salami $3.49

olives $2.99

seedless cucumber $0.95

organic baby spinach $2.49

yellow onions $1.35

diced green chiles $0.59

superfruit spread $2.89

deli sliced cheese $1.99

deli ham and turkey $2.99

red potatoes $2.25

baby carrots $0.89

red onions $0.59/lb

whole carrots $0.95

coleslaw $1.49

red peppers $0.65 each

b/s chicken breast $1.29/lb

Total spent $100

Ralphs

macaroni and shells $0.89

milk $2.49

canned pintos $1.69

large mayonnaise $6.29

shredded lettuce $1.79

mushrooms $2.29

yogurt $5.99

ground pork $2.99 on clearance (stockpiling in freezer)

chuck roast $3.99/lb

clearance bread $0.99

Total spent $60

Sprouts

strawberries $0.97

mushrooms $3.49

melons $0.67

cilantro $0.50

tomatoes $0.98/lb

eggplant $1.25

XL avocados $1.66

nectarines $0.98/lb

organic bananas $0.59/lb

organic celery stalk $1.99

mangoes 2/$1

soba noodles $1.69

tahini $5.99

rice vinegar $2.29

bottled water $3.70 after crv

sliced bacon $2.27

wild sockeye salmon $9.99

Total spent $75

Walmart

juice $3.28

jams on clearance $1-$2 (stockpiling in pantry)

nutella packs on clearance $1.50 (stockpiling in pantry)

greek yogurt $5.38

broccoli $1.68/lb

flour $5.98/10#

limes $0.25

shrimp $5.86

water chestnuts $0.72

shredded carrots $1.67

Total spent $50

ALDI

eggs $0.92

frozen green beans $1.39 (stockpiling in freezer)

frozen bell peppers $1.79 (stockpiling in freezer)

organic whole wheat spaghetti $1.09

organic black beans $0.89

crushed tomatoes $0.99

garbanzo beans $0.69

organic diced tomatoes $1.65

ground black pepper $2.69

salami $3.49

onion flakes $0.99

sparkling water $0.69 after CRV

deli ham and turkey $2.99

olives $2.99

milk $1.38

sour cream $1.29

pickles $3.79

flour tortillas $1.59

black beans $2.49

corn tortillas $2.28

tostada shells $1.85

pepperoni $2.19

cheddar $2.99

hummus $2.29

chips $1.99

cottage cheese $1.29

brie $2.99

chocolate $1.49

whipping cream $1.99

mini bagels $1.99

spinach $1.19

bell peppers $0.75 each

broccoli crowns $0.99

deli sliced cheese $1.99

Italian bread $3.99

coleslaw $1.49

limes $0.15

romas $0.45/lb

graham crackers $1.25

woven wheat crackers $1.75

green tea $0.99

green onions $0.99

flatbread $2.89

cilantro $0.33

jalapeños $0.49 (stockpiling in freezer)

red onions $0.59/lb

milk $2.10

b/s chicken breast $1.89/lb

Total spent $159

ALDI

sparkling water $0.69 after CRV

pepperoni $2.19

jalapeños $0.49

tomato sauce $0.29

tomato paste $0.39

Total spent $27

Trader Joe’s

frozen chicken tenders $7.49 (stockpiling in freezer)

tofu $1.69 to $2.49

Total spent $41

ALDI

sparkling water $0.69 after CRV

eggs $0.91

pepperoni $2.19

cottage cheese $1.29

garbanzo beans $0.69

tomato paste $0.39

Total spent $32

Spent in July: $1354

Spent in 2018:

January: $490

February: $1084

March: $1224

April: $1009

May: $994

June: $1095

July: $1354

Total spent YTD: $7250

That’s an average of $1036/month

Source: https://goodcheapeats.com/2018/08/what-i-spent-on-groceries-in-july-a-grocery-geek-report/

[buffalohair-gazette]

101 Ways to Prepare Long Pork

RECAP FROM OCTOBER 9, 2010: With food shortages and famine encroaching on civilization it should come as no surprise that alternative food sources will gain more popularity as necessity dictates. The ‘junk’ fish people use to discard will find its way onto the frying pan by thankful and starving anglers in the near future. Bones will become the mainstay rather than Fido’s Scooby Treats; hmm Fido will look pretty tasty as well.

The 3-Day Chicken will become commonplace once again provided there are chickens. But when things get dicey and sustenance becomes nonexistent, for a host of catastrophic reasons, the dead guy lying next to you may very well hold the key to your existence. Welcome to the dark side of survival, where a person is forced to lift a fork and consume a fellow human being in the age old culinary adventure called cannibalism. Guess a person could use chop sticks or a piece of fry bread if they chose to.

Granted this is a very taboo subject and totally unacceptable under most conditions but there are times when dining on others is permissible. Throughout the ages people have been placed in situations where they either died along side others or ate from the flesh of the dead. It was once said that Columbus cut and quartered plump native kids then pickled them in wood casks for his first return trip from the ‘New World’. The Donner Party as well as Al Packer comes to mind in American cannibal lore. An old sailor once told me about an unwritten maritime law where it was OK when stranded in a lifeboat to eat a fellow crewman if they expired before you. The Andes Flight Disaster of Oct. 13 1972 where a Uruguayan airplane crashed in the Andes with a soccer team onboard was a classic case for cannibalism and survival. So please bear in mind that the situation must be extreme before people are added to the menu. And in no way am I condoning human flesh as ‘the other white meat’. Personally I prefer legs and thighs, dark meat please.

Let’s say that you and a group of your friends and family survived the time of change and dodged all the bullets man and nature tossed your way. You’ve built a compound with all the amenities your group needs such as living quarters, kitchen and crapper. Reverting to hunter gatherer techniques the hunters would go out in quest of food for the newly evolving clan. Others would scavenge through the ruins of civilization for just about anything useful to bring back to camp. Building materials, clothing, food and other items would be collected as the budding community grows. Eventually anything that was good would be picked through and all the food stuffs would be gathered. Weeks would pass into months then one day the hunters report that the wild game is disappearing.

As time progresses, the hunters come back empty handed more and more. Food stuffs gathered from the ruins of civilization become depleted and the villagers are getting hungry. Daily, people begin to sicken as starvation and disease sets in. First it’s the elderly then the children start to die. The healthiest people begin to succumb from the pangs of starvation as well. Then a bulb lights up in your head, “Why don’t we eat Uncle Otis? After all, he’s dead anyway.” In all reality there would be allot of soul searching before a fork touched Uncle Otis since it’s not normal to eat people, let alone a relative. Whence all the tears were shed and you made your peace with the Creator it’s time to prepare supper. Where would a person start when it came to eating human flesh? And where is Andrew Zimmern (Bazaar Foods, TLC) when you need him?

Long Pork (LP) has been slang for human meat since time immemorial. Interestingly enough human meat or LP has also been treated like pork since it must be well cooked before consuming. So now you have Uncle Otis on the chopping block. The first thing you should do is to dress him out. No, I don’t mean only take his cloths off but to remove the skin and the internal organs then save. Remove the skinned head and place with organs and skin in bucket. Be careful not to tear or puncture the stomach or intestines since the contents can taint the meat. At this time you should check the liver for spots since that would tell you if the meat is diseased or not. Hopefully Uncle Otis was healthy, other than the fact he starved to death. It is a sure bet he will not have much fat on him. Lean is good since triglycerides and serum cholesterol would still be an issue for some folks. LP is greasy and filled with antibiotics, growth hormones and other nasty chemicals that is in their feed so beware because human is also not Kosher or Halal.

LP would provide needed protein for survival in the form of chops and steaks. The back strap would be small but offer tender cuts of meat. Ribs are ribs and neck bone makes good soup. But if you had a grinder burger would be a good way to deal with other odd cuts of meat a human carcass would glean. With that in mind cleaning the intestines would be an excellent idea since you would be able to make sausage also. Hopefully you would have an abundance of salt to preserve your culinary bounty. If not, then it would behoove you to smoke all the meat for preservation sake. There is debate in some circles as to whether red or white wine should be served with LP. In this instance its rule of thumb that red wine should be served since in all actuality LP is a red meat. A vintage Cabernet Sauvignon would be nice. Side dishes are subject to tastes but if you had side dishes in the first place Uncle Otis would not be on the table. Spices are spices so season to taste and hopefully you packed a couple bottles of garlic salt in your survival pack. Just remember to cook until well done because LP may get you sick if served under cooked like other pork products.

There are other factors to consider as well. Is there water handy? If not and there is no possibility of finding any, you will soon be dead along side Uncle Otis within a week or so even if you drank his urine and blood. Thirst would trump hunger as dehydration turned your flesh into jerky. Delirium would set in well before you ever got hungry enough to stick a fork into Uncle Otis. Madness would ensue as your system shut down. Death would become your liberator. Worse yet, you are captured by others that enjoy the taste of LP who promptly tosses you on a make shift rotisserie. No salt, no pepper, not even a sprig of parsley. You are roasted alive without a hint of seasoning. How barbaric could it possibly be? Just to add insult to injury your captures would dine on your char broiled essence while drinking a poor quality pilsner beer. Have they no shame?

Seasoned or unseasoned there is no question that cannibalism is on the rise around the world. Starvation leads to desperation and cannibalism has taken on a new dimension in this era. Ritualistic cannibalism has gone off the charts as well. This is more ghoulishly macabre by design since it’s not about consuming human flesh for survival; it’s more about consuming people because you like it or some bonehead spirit told you to. The consumption of human fetuses for ritual or virility in stews and stir-fry crosses all continents. The scent of placenta soup still wafts in the air of some old world communities after a child is born. Would feeding fat Burmese refugee babies to leeches in vats of water be considered a form of cannibalism if people ate the leeches?

One such restaurant in Thailand specialized in meals prepared with leeches. Burmese soldiers sell infants to Thai human traffickers who in turn sell plump healthy infants to restaurateurs. The restaurateurs fatten up the child then placed them in vats so the leeches can suck the rich milk fed blood from the infant’s veins. The leeches would get fat and juicy then the chef would pluck one out of the baby/water mixture and into a wok filled with spices, vegetables and shrimp paste. To the joy of exotic food aficionados their dining experience would be complete with a piping hot plate of steamed rice and succulent leeches in its own sauce. The leeches would be semi sweet from milk fat yet maintain their musky and savory leech flavor through the ginger onions, garlic and tamarind.

So back to my moral dilemma, if the leeches are full of human baby blood when they are cooked and served would the person who ate the leeches be a cannibal? Would the diner be more of a cannibal if they knowingly ate leeches filled with baby blood? It is alleged General Than Shwe of Burma has taken part in sacrificial rituals involving the consumption of human flesh on more than one occasion. Ritual murder and cannibalism has become a military terror tactic for this criminal regime as well. Shwe is not the only one who practices this dark ritual, not by a long shot. Supermodel Naomi “Blood Diamonds” Campbell’s sweetie, Charles Taylor of Liberia comes to mind though I doubt Shwe or Taylor dined on leeches filled with baby blood.

If it were not for the fact I heard these eyewitness accounts from Christian missionaries and Karen refugees I would not have fathomed this reality. But after visiting and interviewing the survivors of Burma’s blood soaked regime it became clear torture and death was an excepted part of their normality. The only way to cope with the vivid images of gore from disemboweled bodies hung along pathways or to witness loved ones being butchered to death by a crowd of laughing sadistic soldiers is to raise the bar in what is perceived as sane. If not, a person would surely go mad from all the cruelty they endure.

Many of my Asian friends barely raise an eye brow during a bloody western horror movie. In reality they experienced much worse from barbaric soldiers before they came to America. Ritual cannibalism committed by Burmese soldiers was not a surprise revelation. In fact ritual cannibalism is more common than people think and it’s being performed on every continent, well maybe not Antarctica. From India and the followers of Kali to the USA and the secret sects & societies that roam the countryside, LP is on the menu. Maybe next time someone offers you some home made blood sausage you’ll think twice. Toss in a Kaiser roll some sour kraut and mustard, oh yeah, that’s what I’m talking about.

In closing, eating people is not cool, generally speaking. Under the right conditions having a filet of Fred or a side of Sidney can save your life in the most extreme of conditions. If you have to eat Uncle Otis the right seasoning and preparation will make the most of your cannibalistic culinary adventure. After all, it’s not your fault you are starving to death.

So make the best out of a bad situation with a Cotesdeporc Charcutiere au Otis and a wine of your choosing. Just so you know, eating your neighbors is illegal in most Canadian Provinces though I am not sure about Quebec. It is anybody’s guess in America since politicians are known to eat their young.

But if for some reason your fridge is packed with LP chops and steaks now, you may be in need of an attorney. Ritual, fetish or simply because you enjoy the taste of human flesh is no excuse for cannibalism. The exception to the rule is if you’re one of the forgotten millions of homeless and starving people around the globe, bon appétit.

Your Devil’s Advocate

Buffalohair

[easyfoodnetwork]

hutchyb for Getty Images/iStockphoto There’s a technique — even a flair — to freezing food successfully My mother is what you might call a culinary cryogenicist. Long before the crew at the Noma Food Lab grew their first flavor spore, my mom was experimenting with the effects of age and temperature on all kinds of foodstuffs: the last two bites of some mac and cheese. Four shrimp. One-third of a pork chop. Three matzo balls. Half a bag of green beans tied shut with a trash bag twist-tie. An old joint. Eight slices of rye bread. Raisins. So. Much. Ham. And that’s just the first shelf of the freezer. It was a talent she inherited. Her own mother was a master of the freezer arts, best exemplified by the very same “tray of frozen shrimp” offered to us on every grandparent visit for more than two decades; it became a running family joke. As a member of the next generation, however, my family’s faith in the preservation power of cold turned me into a devoted freezer snob. For most of my adult life, my freezer has remained a sacred space reserved for only the most cold-hardy ingredients — ice cream, popsicles, those giant cocktail ice spheres, and maybe the occasional box of toaster waffles or bag of frozen peas. Meat? God no. Fish? Please, back away and leave quietly. In my mind, freezing things ruined their precious molecular integrity by turning them into rock-hard cubes. Meat is normally prized for its “freshness.” In the fields, crops are carefully covered to prevent freezing, so why put them under such duress in your own home? Having kids a few years ago loosened me up a bit — show me one child-rearing American household a without a frozen bag of dinosaur-shaped chicken blobs lurking somewhere. But overall, for the better part of the last decade, my freezer has remained as sleek and food-free as an after-hours Apple Store. But when COVID-19 hit I admittedly went into full hoarder mode. My diet, like my fashion, is dictated by my mood (it’s also why I’m a chronic over-packer). With annual memberships to Instacart, Amazon Fresh, and a handful of specialty grocers down the street, I’d become accustomed to getting all the ingredients to sate any craving within an hour of it hitting. Maintaining that level of spontaneity in the time of supermarket lines and impossible delivery queues meant stocking up in ways I’d never fathomed before. Even with a family of four eating three-plus meals a day, the kind of inventory I was sporting needed to be able to hang out a while. And so, it was with deep reservations that I finally began freezing things — though the real miracle didn’t occur until I began un-freezing them. First I tried a pork tenderloin, one of three I had purchased at Costco a few weeks earlier. Following the advice of the pros, I took it out of the freezer and put it in my fridge overnight, cooked it as usual, and it was… fine. Good, even. Next I tried salmon — I’ve had terrible experiences with frozen seafood in the past, so my hopes were low for the three rosy-pink portions I defrosted and broiled. But again, the resulting fish was surprisingly moist, fatty, firm, delicious. After that I started throwing everything in the freezer just to see: ground turkey, chicken thighs. All were fine. Then I moved into pizza dough, shredded cheese, blanched vegetables; then on to chili, tortillas, pancakes, whole loaves of bread, coffee (while dry coffee beans won’t technically “go bad,” their flavor and aroma suffer over time). Pretty much every single thing I froze — and later unfroze — emerged as relatively unharmed and tasty as the day I bought it. (Notable exceptions included skim milk and some poorly wrapped steaks, and it took some serious trial and error with fresh greens.) Now, as we go into week five… or six? of “safer at home” measures, my freezer has transformed from a sterile ice-storage facility to a clutch partner in culinary crime. Today the once-barren shelves are buckling beneath the weight of dated and labeled baggies and bins with enough perfectly preserved food to more than bridge the gap between bi-weekly produce box deliveries and masked-up grocery runs. But as it turns out, my mom and grandmother were, in fact, artists — there is a technique, even a flair to freezing food successfully. Wrap something improperly or defrost incorrectly and you might not just risk the integrity of your ingredients, but also your health. So after a month or so of embracing my familial fate and becoming a frozen food convert, here are a few lessons I’ve learned: The Container Matters I know, plastic is the enemy, but those fancy glass containers can crack in the freezer. According to the experts, the best way to freeze food is in a vacuum-seal bag that you suction yourself with one of those fancy machines to minimize air (air is your enemy in the great freezer wars). I don’t have one of those — though I’ve been eyeing this one on Amazon — so I use regular old freezer-grade zipper bags and press out as much air as possible before sealing. There’s also a trick where you mimic a vacuum sealer with a drinking straw, slipping it in the corner of the bag and sucking out as much air as you can before pulling the straw out at the last minute, but I felt weird inhaling all those funky meat fumes. My Instagram feed has been full of ads for these pricey silicone bags that I hear work well but I’ve yet to give them a test run. Either way, you’re going for minimal air exposure and some thickness barrier — a little cushion between your food and the freezer air will help prevent that dreaded freezer burn, a damaging mix of oxidation and dehydration. Prep Is Key For meat and fish, you generally want to remove them from their original packaging and re-wrap in individual portions before freezing. Wrapping each cut in an extra layer of plastic before putting them in the zipper bag adds another degree of protection. Timing is key here. Freeze cuts of meat immediately after you get them home, or better yet, buy them pre-frozen. There are entire industries built around freezing fish in a way that sacrifices the least in the way of flavor and texture, so trust the pros — they know what they’re doing. Vegetables, for the most part, should be quickly blanched before freezing. The drag here is that in the process of blanching, they absorb too much water to get any sort of good roasty char later, but it’s a small price to pay for having quality seasonal produce year-round. Before you blanch, prep the ingredients the way you plan to eat them, meaning separating broccoli and cauliflower into florets, snapping the ends off green beans, and chopping greens. Then boil a big pot of water and dunk the vegetables in for about a minute before plunging immediately into a big bowl of icy water. This will keep them from continuing to cook and turning to mush. The next part is key: Dry everything as best you can. The more water, the thicker the tectonic ice coating you’ll get on every piece. Then put everything into baggies and freeze. Fruit freezing techniques vary — it all depends what you want to use them for. No amount of freezer skill will recreate the experience of biting into a fresh peach after it’s been frozen. But for smoothies, pie fillings, baking, or juice, most fruit will freeze just fine. Bananas freeze great, peel and all. Berries you’ll want to rinse, dry, then let freeze on a large flat surface like a cookie sheet before transferring to bags. If you want to use citrus just for zest or juice, go ahead and freeze them whole. They say you can freeze citrus in wedges individually, but I found the texture suffers greatly after defrosting, and honestly I can’t imagine what you’d want to use floppy, deflated tangerine wedges for. Juice is no problem — just squeeze, put the juice into an ice cube mold and freeze. You can pop them out later and transfer to a plastic bag for easier storage. The above ice-cube tray technique works well for all kinds of liquids and purees. I actually bought these cool molds to freeze baby food for my second kid, and I use them now for smaller portions of stocks, lemon juice, pesto, pizza sauce. For larger batches, I pour a couple of cups into a zipper bag, get out as much air as possible, and freeze them flat so I can stack them later. Breads freeze fantastically, but as a rule pre-sliced is best. I started buying giant loaves of my favorite rye bread from the farmers market and keep them in the freezer full-time, toasting off individual slices as needed; my mom perfected a technique with bagels that involves slicing them as soon as you get them home, wrapping each half separately, and then toasting them direct from the freezer. Pre-cooked tortillas and pita you can just wrap, freeze, and cook off one by one, but my most exciting recent discovery has been in the realm of pre-baked goods. It turns out most doughs recover well after freezing, and I just made a batch of biscuits using this technique that has you freezing the raw, cut biscuits ahead of time and baking them off as needed. It’s opened up a whole new world of frozen pastry projects for me. I’m sure there’s some technique to freezing cheese but honestly I just put whole hunks and bags of the pre-shredded stuff straight into the freezer. I don’t really freeze milk but the wisdom is that the more fat content, the better it freezes, so half-and-half freezes great, skim milk not so much. Coffee I found out you can freeze and brew straight from frozen, which is excellent considering it is an absolute nonnegotiable in my house. *If you’re curious about any other ingredient, there are countless guides to freezing food online that will steer you in the right direction. Don’t Rush the Defrost (Even Though Sometimes I Do, But It’s Really Risky, Okay?) The basic rule of thumb for pretty much everything is low and slow. Put whatever you want to defrost in the refrigerator the night before you want to cook it — sometimes longer for big cuts of meat — and let it come to temperature gradually. I do this... most times. But there is a reason your microwave has a “defrost” setting, and it will definitely speed things along if also putting you at risk of prematurely cooking the edges of your chicken breast. I’ve successfully defrosted smaller cuts of fish and shrimp by running the bags under cold water in the sink for a few minutes until soft enough to handle, but this is not officially endorsed by the pros. What you’re definitely not supposed to do is let your ingredients hang out at room temp until they defrost. I have done this too, though it is a surefire recipe for a bacterial infection and this is not the time you want to be running to the ER for dehydration. The point is, the freezer might be cold and dark, but it is not at all a thing to fear. Utilizing it well has helped me maintain the kind of spur-of-the-moment cooking style that feels normal to me — a valuable thing when pretty much everything else about my life right now does not feel normal. Now all I need is a bigger freezer. from Eater - All https://ift.tt/3ctLE4P

http://easyfoodnetwork.blogspot.com/2020/04/how-i-learned-to-stop-worrying-and-love.html