#please don't judge me I know I listen to killing myself music

[absolutelybatty]

Sorry this is so late but @slutatron-3000 tagged me to post my top 15 artists and fav songs by them. Because I am incapable of making decisions, I went with my top 15 artists according to streaming platform. No promises I won't change these.

Jesus Loves Junkies - Escape From Paradise

Nine Inch Nails - Hurt

Slipknot - Spit It Out

Acid Bath - Finger Painting of The Insane

Steve Gabry - Home

Pitchshifter - Underachiever

Type O Negative - Wolf Moon

Three Days Grace - Pain

Cannibal Corpse - Hammer Smashed Face

Ph8 - In Your Time Of Sorrow

Oingo Boingo - No One Lives Forever

Nirvana - Milk It

Korn - Faget

Tool - Sober

KMFDM - Stray Bullet

I'm not going to tag anyone for this but anyone who wants to do this, consider yourself tagged :)

[winters-doll]

𝙏𝙍𝙄𝙂𝙂𝙀𝙍 𝙒𝘼𝙍𝙉𝙄𝙉𝙂 𝙁𝙊𝙍 𝙏𝙃𝙀 𝙉𝙀𝙓𝙏 𝘾𝙃𝘼𝙋𝙏𝙀𝙍: 𝙋𝘼𝙍𝘼𝙉𝙊𝙄𝘼/ 𝘼𝙉𝙓𝙄𝙀𝙏𝙔

𝐻𝑖𝑠 𝐿𝑖𝑡𝑡𝑙𝑒 𝐹𝑜𝑥

‧₊˚❀༉‧₊˚. 𐦍༘⋆ ‧₊˚❀༉‧₊˚. 𐦍༘⋆ ‧₊˚❀༉‧₊˚. 𐦍༘⋆ ‧₊˚❀༉ ‧₊˚❀༉‧₊˚.

‧₊˚❀༉‧₊˚. 𐦍༘⋆ ‧₊˚❀༉‧₊˚. 𐦍༘⋆ ‧₊˚❀༉‧₊˚. 𐦍༘⋆ ‧₊˚❀༉ ‧₊˚❀༉‧₊˚.

Chapter 6- Ramen

*Mia Pov*

Once filled with conversation, I'm met with the silence of the bathroom. I grasp the cold steel into my palm, admiring its buttoned colors. Pressing the green button, sure enough, warm water pours out of the small jets in the tub. "Wow." I mumbled in awe. Setting the water half filled with lukewarm/ hot water, I grasp the dove men soap. Pouring the strong yet earthy fragrance in the tub I finally feel somewhat comfortable. Lifting the gray sweater dress over my head, I'm met with my reflection. So many imperfections, it'd be hard to miss. Bronze waist littered in scars and minor cuts. Inner thighs laced with hyperpigmentation. Knees dark from kneeling on them too long. Nonetheless, I see myself smiling sheepishly. "I'm still here." I mumbled inwardly. "For that i'll always keep smiling."

*Jack Pov*

"Thanks!" The woman chirps cheerfully. Gently closing the door, I make my way towards the kitchen. Judging from her appearance you never would've thought she enjoyed that genre of music. From her small voice and demeanor, you'd think she'd listen to old jazz. She probably does. I'd figure she would have a diverse taste in music. Seeing her dimpled smile, her eyes widened in awe of my work. I feel this weird feeling in my chest.

Acceptance.

Another foreign word, a sense of comfort I never thought I'd feel.

Entering the furnished kitchen, I grab a from its cabinet pot and place it in the sink. Hearing the water fill from the motion sensor, I grab a cartoon of eggs absentmindedly. My body moves on muscle memory alone and moves the filled pot on the automated stove. The steady flow of water being filled upstairs is like the precipitation is being poured down my head itself. A stranger is having a bath in my house. And plans to sleep here at that, with given permission. How did this situation even occur? One moment I was with my brother in the gym. Now I'm here giving her one of my favorite band shirts. I usually don't help people who are in need. Unless it's for a nice price. Remembering the look on her face.

*FLASHBACK*

"Please Sir." She pants and inhales a large gist of air. "MA ELIZABETH BUTLER!! COME BACK HERE!" A man yells, running in our direction. She looks behind her in fright. Her puffy eyes meet mine. Small nimble fingers firmly grasped my sweater. "They'll kill me." Her plump lips tremble. I couldn't decide if it was from the rain or the sense of dread I suddenly felt that made me act. That got me here.

*END OF FLASHBACK*

Reluctant yet desperate, as if she knew this was a pitiful attempt for help. It would've been for someone else but her... I had to help her.

Impulsive

Finally a word I'm familiar with. All my life there have been impulsive choices to achieve my final goal. Too finally kill that bastard. No matter the consequences. Yet I've always been impulsive to hurt others, not to assist. She doesn't have anywhere to stay. Renting a place to stay wouldn't be the problem but financial stability will be concerning considering how unforgiving Japan can be. She can't go home either. Just thinking about his face makes me grasp the wooden counter. I oughta look for him and make sure he won't ever hurt her again.

Heaving a heavy sigh, I sit on the black metal stool and watch the water boil. I only have ramen for tonight, I hope she's not allergic to anythi—

My right pocket starts to vibrate. Interrupted from my obsessive rumination, I fish my phone out of my pocket, seeing Baki name I decide to answer. "Hey Jack! Sorry about leaving so quickly!" Baki chirps with a sense of remorse in his voice. He always does this. Thinks of others even when he has his own agenda. "Baki it's fine. You know that." I scoff inwardly. "Yeah I just wanted to make sure." He chuckles sheepishly. "Did kozue get caught in the rain?" "No, I caught her just in time, thank goodness." I chuckle at his outburst. "Try not to be dramatic." "Dramatic?! Imagine she got sick out there because I didn't walk her home." Baki all but sputters. Just hearing his voice makes my tense shoulders rest at ease. "I'm glad you called actually." I muttered. "Oh? And why's that?" Baki inquires. "I'm cooking ramen-"REALLY YOU WANT ME TO COME OVER AND FIX IT?!" Interrupted once again I can only grin. "It's a school night and you can give me the recipe on the phone."

There's a pause on the other end of the phone before Baki begrudges mumbles," I knew you'd say that." "Fiiiiiine, I'll help. I've told you this recipe so many times. How do you keep forgetting?" I lie and say" It's been a while since I made ramen." In reality hearing his annoyed tone is pleasing enough. "Bullshit! You literally came over a month ago and we made it together." He complains. "Hm. I don't recall." "Jaaaaack." Baki whines. "Alright I do recall something with brown sugar and soy sauce."

"Yes, add butter to the saucepan and 1 tablespoon of soy sauce with garlic cloves and two tablespoons of brown sugar." I hum, my body moving on muscle memory. Absentmindedly pulling spices from the cabinets. The water bubbles and simmers as I break the wheat noodles in half. "Oh and don't forget about the sesame oil!" Baki chirps. " I know I know and 2 boiled eggs." I deadpanned. Stirring the sauces the kitchen fills with a savory aroma. "Wait a second! You told me you didn't remember!" Turning the stove off I chucked,"My memory is resurfacing." Hearing the top stairs creak softly, she doesn't move. She must be shy. I know the food smells pleasant.

"You knew the recipe the whole time didn't you?" Baki whines. I simply hummed and muttered,"Listen Baki, I'll be busy for a couple of days. Take care of yourself and see Karou if you run into trouble." There's another slight pause on the receiving end. "Are you training?" He suddenly inquires. Seeing the small woman still standing on the staircase, looking at her bare feet. "I wish." I muttered grimly. I wouldn't be going in blind. The stove clock reads past 11:30 and I bid Baki goodnight. I figured she didn't meet me in the kitchen to not interrupt my conversation with Baki. Yet she stills stands there, her small fingers gliding on the smooth polished wood of the railing. "You can come down now." I sighed.

*30 Mins Prior*

*Mia Pov*

Soft suds of soap floats around my frame, smoke rises to the surface. Sitting in the corner of the large tub I exhale. Like laying in fresh grass that has the morning dew upon it, I slowly sink nearly to the bottom. This is exactly what I need. I never knew a bath could be so comforting. I always took showers to save money and time. But this... no wonder they sell bath bombs in stores. Grazing my finger in its warm depths I begin to wonder. What am I doing? Letting a man take me home. He even shot down involving the police. He has a large beautiful furnished home and no pictures of himself or others he surrounds himself with. Ive been abused and sheltered, but I know red flags and when to point them out, do not ignore them. But he doesn't seem like a serial killer or anything. His dark eyes and deep voice suddenly come to my mind. He is undoubtedly gorgeous though. I've read that serial killers are attractive. I groaned inwardly. I didn't actually expect he'd help me though.

Slowly rising to my knees in the warm water, I let my long ears and fluffy tail emerge from my head and backside. I hate to suppress this part of me but it's for the best. Gathering the soapy towel, I gently begin to scrub my ears and tail. Long enough to wrap around my waist, I wondered if it's gotten longer. I pondered. It's been five years since this x gene sprouted and my life has been hell living through it because of it. I need to research more, talk to more people who have to repress this gene like me. Hot pain flashes in my temple, leaving me rubbing the side of my head. Hopefully removing the internal pain. I can't tell if it's from the hot water or my stomach growling, but I need to head downstairs nonetheless.

Taking a big step out of the tub, I suddenly realized something. Grabbing the wet white remote I stare at its colorful buttons once again. I don't know how to drain the water. There's plenty of buttons but I'm not sure which one would work without making a mess. Placing the remote on the marble counter, I quickly run the fluffy towel across my skin, gently drying my ears and tail. Shifting back to my familiar form I wonder is there any lotion? Does he use lotion? I don't want to intrude but I hate the feeling of my dry skin cracking. Opening the bottom cabinet and searching for a moisturizer, I found nothing. Dammit. Maybe he has some in his room. Fantastic, now I have to ask him if he has any.

Seeing my reflection once again, I decide to ignore the image and go towards the clean clothes folded. Unfolding the large shirt I smile at the blotchy pattern. I still can't believe he listens to baby metal. You'd think he listens to old jazz, someone as composed as him. Black fabric falls off the shirt. Holding it up above me the large black fabric holds to be boxers. There's no way these will fit me. Folding the waistband I place my feet through the holes and throw on the large metal shirt. Now barefoot, I slowly prepare myself to go downstairs. Placing my dirty clothes in the hamper I turn off the dim light.

Walking down the dim hallway, a savory smell greets my nose. His deep voice vibrates off the walls, chuckling. He seems to be in a good mood, I grin. Pacing the staircase to not interrupt him, I absentmindedly stare at the polished railing and hear another guy's voice. "Jaaaaaack." The voice draws out. That's his name. Jack. Repeating the name in my mind, I realized I never knew his name until now. Rubbing my temple once again, another headache seems to form. That's definitely a red flag. "Are you training?" The man suddenly questions. Training for what? I know it's rude to eavesdrop but I'm interested. He's a big guy. Is he in the military? What man did I run into?

"You can come down now." He suddenly voiced, his back still to me. I didn't know he was able to see me. Feeling my face burn, I slowly walked down, the stairs creaking softly underneath me. "I didn't know you could see me." I chuckled sheepishly. Descending the stairs, the floor layout has no doors but an open vicinity of the kitchen, living room, dining room, and outside patio. Following the delicious smell, I walk through the living room to the kitchen seeing his large back. "Take a seat." He rumbles. Seeing the large stool, I make my way towards the polished table. The stool legs meet my waist, also there's no ledge I could step on. There's no way I can sit on this without making a fool of myself. "Are you going to eat standing?" The man. Jack inquires.

Exhaling through my nose, I drum my short nails on the wooden table . "No, I would like to sit ." I mutter. Turning off the stove he simply utters," Then take a seat." He turns to me. His eyes slowly ranking on my form. Under his intense gaze I stare at the mountain of noodles on the stove. Another delicious distraction. "I would. But..." He simply crosses his arms over his chest, seemingly interested. Not used to the attention, hot liquid floods my face. Wringing my hands I mutter,"Don't take offense to this, your home is beautiful but everything is really large." Looking at his triceps and chest it dawns on me why everything is bigger than normal. "I guess that makes sense, considering you're..." I trail off.

"Large?" The man states, grinning softly placing the wheat noodles and chicken broth on the table. He pours sparkling water from the pitcher into two glasses.. "Yeah." I chuckle softly . "You know I can help." Jack utters. Help? Is he referring to manhandling me again? Absolutely not. "Are there no other chairs?" "Not any that you can sit on without my help." He rumbles. Exhaling through once again, I gaze through his tawny eyes. " Alright but don't just —my feet leave the cold surface of the floor. My breath leaves my throat as my backside meets the cool wooden surface. "Just toss me." I gasped. Jack gently places me on the stool. "You could've at least let me say when." I grumbled, face burning "You're welcome." He hums. Jack places a large pot of noodles and broth on the table.

"Are you having any other guests?" I inquired. Jack sits on the stool opposite of me across the table. "Hopefully not," Jack rumbles. Scooping a large amount of noodles and placing them in his large bowl, I simply watched in awe. Everything about him is gigantic, the way how he eats, lives, and the way he smirks at me. Maybe his ego as well. "It's not going to bite you." He stares into my brown eyes and passes me a big plastic bowl."Thanks." I mumbled. I don't know much about Jack, hardly anything but it seems like he keeps a cocky attitude to hide his kindness. Placing noodles and the brown oiled broth in my bowl, my mouth waters anticipating its delicious guests.

Ramen bowl made, I bowl my head to say grace. Breaking the hard chopsticks, I open my mouth only to feel eyes on me. Looking at Jack he seems to have that intense stare again. "What?" I ask. Do I have something on my face? Jack places his chopsticks down near his spoon. His eyes never leaving mine he draws out," After everything you've been through...Everything they put you through." I feel my throat tightened. "You still believe in God." He states. Placing my hands in front of me, I merely smile. "I have to...Well so more of I want to." Jack studies my face. "He's kept me here, so I can meet you. That is enough to say thanks too."

Jack's tawny eyes narrow slightly, as if he needs to see clearly. I'm starting to figure that's the face he makes when he's deep in thought. Not everyone believes in God, whether that's religion trauma or they just don't. It's all a valid reason. Growing up in a C.OG.I.C church, one of the things I'm growing to understand is that God is love and not just condemnation. But after finally leaving that hell I know there's more to life than what they showed me. Jack's small smug smile returns, letting out a humorless chuckle. "Your optimism is going to get you hurt." Slurping the sweet broth in the renge spoon, I grin. "Well, being a pessimist is rather boring." He hums. I'm not sure if he's agreeing or not though. "It's Mia by the way."I mumbled, slurping the ramen noodles and sweet broth. He simply hums again while eating his mountain full of noodles. "You already know mine ." He rumbles.

"I didn't want to be rude." I laugh airily. Seaweed chips wrapped around the noodles, I squirmed in my seat, elated with its delicious taste. "I've eaten ramen a lot since I am a college student. But this is delicious!" he merely grunts. I simply chow down on the delicious meal and eat quicker than expected. While he goes for thirds and fourths. I can't believe someone can eat so much without any pain. It's impressive yet disturbing.

Sitting in uncomfortable silence I try," Do you have any family that lives considering your home is so—" "It doesn't matter." He clips. "We don't have to force conversation." He rumbles grimly. Slightly startled I slowly sip my glasses. Letting the bubbles glide down my throat. He's right. We don't have to talk to each other. But the awkward silence is killing me! "I think i'll be heading for bed." I murmur. "Upstairs guest room, you know where it is." He utters. Sliding down the stool my bare feet meet the wooden surface, I thank him for the food. Slightly hesitant, I ask him, "I wash my plate?" "It's fine, you're the guest after all." He insists.

Exiting the kitchen I can feel his eyes bore holes into my back. Crossing the furnished living room I can't help but murmur,"I'll get out of your hair then." Stomach full I take my time walking up the wooden stairs. He's the one that agreed to help me, why would you purposely make it awkward? Walking towards the end of the hallway, I enter the second to last room. Sure enough it's the room I was trying to escape earlier. A warm glow surrounds the room from its lamp. I should keep it on. Not wanting to wake up in the dark again, I climb into bed and wrap the once damp navy sheets around me. Heaving a heavy sigh into the pillow. Closing my eyes I pray," Dear heavenly father. I only trust you. Guide my spirit into the right path and give me

the strength to ward off bad spirits in Jesus name Amen.Rolling on my stomach my right thigh hitched, still ashy but too tired. I will myself to sleep soundly. Hopefully

[soundcrusher]

Changes aren’t always wanted, but sometimes needed

I finally finished Part 7 of my little story featuring @cuppajj's version of Lord Imperious and my boy Quick Search.

I don't really know how to feel about this one, but honestly, I'm a little tired and I'll let cuppa be the judge and everything. (Should something be off, please let me know cuppa. I'll fix it as soon as I can. ^^)

Either way, please enjoy!

-(:)-(:)-(:)-(:)-(:)-(:)-(:)-(:)-(:)-(:)-(:)-(:)-(:)-

Imperious has been acting strange as of late.

It started small first, with Imperious coming onto the ship and asking Quick Search how he was doing, before making a round on the ship while the small terminal worked on either the Communication Terminal, or on sorting out files. After his round, Imperious would then come back. Taking his seat in the captain’s chair and watching him scurry across the bridge, before trying to strike up a conversation. Only that now, the topics weren’t about Quick Search’s or the ship’s database, but rather the things he liked to do or how he felt.

And if Quick Search was being honest, he would have preferred the questions about the databases and ship. Mostly because it’s the only thing he could truly talk about. Yes, he did take care of his plants and that’s one of the things he liked to do, next to his big and smaller projects, but that’s it. There’s nothing more for him to talk about in regards to his hobbies or something like that.

Maybe he could count his music collection as a hobby too? But Quick Search was sure that Imperious would only get bored once he starts talking about the way he likes how certain songs can cause different kinds of emotions to well up. After all, his friend wasn’t that impressed with his plants either, so why would he like his music?

So, whenever Imperious would start asking, Quick Search could do nothing more than shrug his shoulders. Answering every question with a “I don’t know” or “You already know everything. There’s nothing more I could tell you”. Which in return would make Imperious squint at him. And that would cause Quick Search to quickly scurry off to hide with his plants and lock the door behind him, because he knows what can happen to someone who gets squinted at by someone sitting in the captain’s chair. They either go mad, or are never seen again.

That’s also why he was hiding with his plants right now. Imperious’ questions were getting too much for him again and he didn’t want to somehow say something that could make his friend mad. And, his plants never ask him anything. They just listen to his woes whenever he starts to talk about things that either bother or annoy him. And right now, he was complaining about Imperious’ change. Talking about how weird it was to suddenly have so much attention, while commenting on how he didn’t want it.

Attention was, after all, never good. It means that whoever was paying extra mind to you, would want something. Or they were going to kill you, but Quick Search doubted that Imperious would do such a thing. They were friends after all, right? Friends don’t kill each other.

“Either way…” Muttered the small terminal, as he picked up a watering can. “I really don’t like all of those questions. They make me… question myself.” Said Quick Search, as he watered his Cybertronian Nightshades. “I mean, there isn’t much to me, I think? The captain, sure enough, didn't let me have anything, and the small things I had were hidden deeply in my database… And… friends weren’t really something I had either. Not in the crew, that is… But hey! I had Vulpi and the little drones, they can be counted as friends. They sure treated me better than my crew and acted more like friends than everyone else.”

Quick Search couldn’t help his chuckle as he moved onto the next plants. Making sure they were all watered, before picking up a pair of scissors and starting to groom some of the bush like plants. “… I miss them. Talking to them was always different, but I doubt they’re around anymore. I mean… if the little medical drone was broken when I found it, who’s to say that the other ones aren’t either…” The small mech grew quiet as he thought about what could have happened to his friends, especially Vulpi. They were partners, so, if something happened to her, he would have felt it. Right? So, maybe she was still okay and around.

“But, hey, I’m sure that Vulpi is still around. Captain always said how much work they put into her, so… yea… I doubt he would break her.”

“Are you sure about that?”

To his embarrassment, Quick Search let out a squeak as he turned around, grabbed his little watering can and hurled it at whoever surprised him. Only to then hide behind one of the bushes he was taking care of, as soon as he realised he accidentally hit Imperious. “I… I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to hit you!”

“You didn’t really hit me.” Said Imperious as he carefully took the watering can off his horns. “It’s more like you played this game called ‘Throw Ring’, with very bad aim. No offence.”

“None taken. I have a really bad aim after all.” Chuckled Quick Search, before getting back out from his very bad hiding place and walking over to one of the tables. Climbing up on it to get to the hanging plants, where he took care of the shrivelled up leaves. “The captain once tried to teach me how to shoot things, but I always missed. Like, a lot. I think I even once accidentally sent someone into the medical bay because of a stray shot. But… those memories are kinda fuzzy and… I don’t think I have ever seen that crew member afterwards…” Muttered Quick Search, before shrugging his shoulders and going back to work. Humming a soft tune, while glancing back at Imperious every now and then. And every time, Imperious would stare right back at him.

“Say…” started the Second-Born Intellect as he walked over to one of the Cybertronian Nightshade offshoots. Picking one of them up and taking a closer look. “Why don’t you like my questions?”

“I… no reason?”

“No reason at all?” Asked Imperious, before placing the plant back down and walking over to the small ‘Cybertronian’. Picking Quick Search up and holding him at arm's length, while tilting his head. “It doesn’t seem like there is ‘no reason’ behind your dislike, Quick Search.”

“I…” Said the smaller one, before stopping and shaking his head. Opting to just hang there, instead of answering, while his ‘tail’ and ‘ears’ flicked in discomfort. Although, after a while he just let out a sigh. “I… don’t know how to answer those questions. That’s why I don’t like them. They’re just so… so… personal? It’s hard to talk about how I am or what I like to do, when I don’t even know myself.” Quick Search looked up at Imperious, with his ‘ears’ twitching nervously while he kneaded his fingers together. “I doubt you would like to know about all the plant facts I saved, or my favourite music, or how your questions make me wonder who exactly I am. Before you came and helped me with my blocker-thingies, there was just my work. Yes I… I kind of had my own life, but work was still the most important thing… And my captain didn’t really let me explore or figure out what I wanted…” He trailed off. Growing silent and staying that way for a while. Too scared to say more, because he was unsure on how Imperious would react to anything else that came out of his mouth.

But even when Quick Search found some courage to continue, he stopped. Slowly feeling how fear settled in his spark, as he saw Imperious squint his four eyes at him. It reminded him too much of the time something happened with him and another mech that made his captain so angry that… that… he deleted something.

However, Imperious was quick to lose that ‘look’ as soon as Quick Search started to struggle in his grip. And with a sigh, the taller one pulled the terminal closer. Putting the small ‘Cybertronian’ underneath his arm, before walking out of the room. Causing Quick Search to let out a small sound of protest, before looking up at Imperious with a small frown. His ‘tail’ swishing angrily behind him.

“Have you ever tried to make your own music?”

That question caught Quick Search off guard. So much so, that his frown fell from his face and was replaced by a look of confusion. “I… no? I don’t think I ever tried to do anything like that. My captain never liked it when I did something that wasn’t useful or within my ‘programming’… But… I was thinking about it…”

“You were? Sounds like someone was thinking about doing more than his ‘programming’ allowed him to do.” Imperious’ statement got him a small chuckle from Quick Search, before the smaller one stretched his arms out and waved them around. “Yep! I even once brought it up with my captain, but when he asked why I wanted to do it… I couldn’t answer… And then he got angry, because the captain never liked it when someone couldn’t answer him. And an angry captain was never good.”

“Did he ever do something bad when you couldn’t answer him?”

“Sometimes? I… can’t really remember. Some things in my memory bank are either fuzzy or missing, and I think my captain has something to do with it…” Quick Search shrugged his shoulders as best as he could, before crossing his arms. "But who cares. As long as all the other stuff works, I'm fine."

"I highly doubt that it's 'fine' to not be able to remember something as important as that, Quick Search."

“Maybe, but why should I worry about that now? My captain isn’t around and hasn’t answered my message. So, he’ll probably never come back, ergo, it doesn’t matter.” Again, Quick Search shrugged his shoulders, before looking up at Imperious. Eyes squinted as if he was trying to figure out something. “Why would you care though?”

There was silence after that question. One that got Quick Search to slightly wiggle in Imperious’ hold, while the other thought about how he could explain his interest in the subject while also keeping the secret of what he knows about Quick Search’s ‘condition’. There was no doubt that the little terminal would start questioning him and his sudden interest as soon as Imperious revealed that Quick Search was not a Cybertronian, but rather a Second-Born Intellect like him.

So, Imperious opted to simply dance around the question, by questioning Quick Search back. “Why wouldn’t I? Aren’t we friends, Quick Search? Friends do care about each other and about what others have done to them.”

“I guess you’re right…” Muttered Quick Search, before looking around to see where exactly they were going. Mostly to find a change of subject, because this was getting kind of uncomfortable for him. “Either way, why are we here? Shouldn’t we be on the bridge? Usually we would be on the bridge around this time…”

Imperious couldn’t help the amused chuckle, as he opened a door and stepped into the new room. Carefully placing Quick Search down on the floor, before walking over to the covered thing hidden among some boxes, knick-knacks and artefacts collected from all across the galaxy. “Yes, but you mentioning wanting to make music gave me an idea.” And with one elegant move, Imperious pulled out a very weird looking thing from within a box.

“What’s that? I don’t think I’ve ever seen that thing!” Asked Quick Search. Hidden eyes wide in wonder, as he did his best to look at whatever Imperious was holding in his hands.

“It’s a flute.” Was all Imperious said, as he handed the instrument over and watched the smaller one inspect it. Twisting and turning it around in his hands, before Quick Search figured out how to use it and started to play a few notes.

And only then did they walk back to the bridge. With the small ‘Cybertronian’ testing out the different sounds his new flute could make, while Imperious gave small corrections or tips on how to properly use the instrument.

[soulariarym]

Hi! I'd like a matchup for (male) dbd killers 🙏 I am a straight cisgirl with medium length wavy hair that is dyed in a dark brown color. I have a slender body type, 5'3", and I have acne scars.

For hobbies, I enjoy illustrating, playing story-oriented games and taking pictures of cityscapes, flowers, and animals. I also enjoy listening to music, and while I don't really have a preference and they're usually depending on my mood, I mostly listen to bedroom pop and dream pop.

I have an interest in art, but while I excel in drawing and illustration I absolutely suck at arts and craft. I'm also interested in photography. I'm curious and interested in bugs that don't give me the heeby jeebies and would snap pictures of them. If there is a particular topic I am interested in I'd waste my time reading every single trivia and fact available (though this does not include studious theories, I hate having to learn theories and heavy philosophies). With movies I tend to like action and comedy movies, and with horror I lean towards psychological horror moreso than thriller as I couldn't stomach so much gore on screen. I never rewatch movies that made me shed tears.

Personality wise I'm quite laidback and a go with the flow kind of person. I like to think that I'm outgoing and friendly when I'm actually a bit introverted. I'm an open book with my face always subtly showing my actual feelings (like my lips always pout when I'm upset) so it's hard for me to lie. When I'm already with close friends I tend to let myself go and be rowdy and rambunctious. I'm unfortunately kind of slow intellectually so I never had the confidence to discuss and debate, which in turn makes me upset if someone disses my values and beliefs and having to repress anger. Aside from being kind of stupid I'm also a bit clumsy 😅 Whenever I'm in a low mood I tend to shy away from everyone and prefer to be left alone, both in real life and in social media.

So sorry if this is too long, if there are some things that I actually forgot to include then please ignore this!

Sorry this took a bit I’ve been busy, my apologies <\3

I match you with…

The Hillbilly! (Max Thompson)

Max was instantly hooked on you, the way you snap pictures of the environment and your surroundings always had him staring in your direction. You’re unique, different from the other survivors. You always caught his interest. You always had different things to do, different places to be. Even in trials you managed to stand out from the rest

You’re perfect for Max, you made him feel relaxed rather then his usual timid demeanor. Everything he had missed out in life blossomed with you, every time you were together he got to see the beautiful nature, music, life all around him he never got to witness.

As much as you love taking pictures of animals Max can’t help but feel the urge to kill it and store it for food. Though if you let him know you don’t like when he does that, not only that but can’t stand all the gore he’ll not do it in front of you. But once you guys separate he’ll go back to that same spot and hunt the animal you both spotted earlier. Though the longer he spends time with you he’ll slowly stop that habit.

If you’re chatting with Max about a debate don’t worry about him arguing with you because he doesn’t talk, he’ll just nod and listen to you. Ranting to him is better then a “professional” he won’t ask dumb questions or judge you no matter the topic.

If you’re researching on a particular subject he’ll look over your shoulder to see what you’re reading / researching. If you ask him if he “needs anything” he’ll shake his head before tilting his head at what you’re reading. (Im gonna guess you get excited when telling someone your topic you’re interested in atm? :) ) with Max he loves when you get excited to tell him, he thinks you’re so cute and loves seeing you happy and excited. He’s excited too.

I match you with…

The Ghostface! (Danny Johnson)

Danny loves how you both share interest in photography. Well… while you snap pictures of places and animals Danny snaps pictures of people and well, you

If you’re distracted with your music Danny will snap pictures of you while you’re listening, keeping very quiet so you can’t hear him even without your headphones. If you fall asleep with your playlist open he’ll snap a picture of that too, a lovers gotta know his girls music right?

If you’re watching a movies together you’ll notice he gets more turned on and or flirty when you guys are watching horror, gore. Though can you complain? He’s such a good tease. If you both are watching anything else together he likes snuggling with you, resting your head on his chest as he plays with your hair.

When you’re distracted he likes styling your hair in different styles, ponytails, buns, you name it, whatever he’s feeling at the moment. When you’re sleeping he’ll secretly snap pictures of you. It’s creepy obviously but it’s Danny, don’t expect him to be “normal”

If you show him your photos he’ll give you advice on lighting, placement, everything you need to know. If you question how he knows so much he’ll just shrug it off saying he had to take pictures for a job. Sometimes he lets his words slip, telling you, you should add some gore in your pictures. He knows he messed up especially knowing you hate gore and can’t stand it. He’ll be quick to correct himself saying things like “I’m sorry sweetheart I was watching a film the other day and it had your type of photography in it so I thought it would be a good combo”

[slasherwife]

Hello♡ Could I please request a matchup?

I'm actually really boring and paradox. I always feel like I don't belong anywhere, that's probably why I have a soft spot for anyone and anything different. I suffer from autism and depression. I admire people who are bold and straight-forward with their feelings. Because it's hard for me to express my own and, sadly, I usually don't "see" others. And, even though I'm not at all funny, I like people who are. I'm lazy as hell. I am incredibly understanding and almost impossible to get upset, so I am always calm. I have a passion and interest in the more darker aspects of the life and world and a rather dark/morbid humor. My ideal day would be spent with cuddling, listening to music, watching movies, having in-depths conversations and drinking tea on a rainy day and to take a walk in the rain. I'm extremly loyal and I honestly try to be as kind/polite as possible. Music is very important and therapeutic for me, I could never live a day without it. I always try to act against injustice, even if being the center of attention makes me uncomfortable. I'm not at all dominant, but that's not a problem to me. My favorite colours are green and black. People always tell me that I think too much. I have a really, really big problem with laws, rules and authority and I'm not afraid to speak up against them (which is surprising to most people because I'm usually very shy, insecure and quiet). As a quiet person, I like talkative people because they are willing to do the talking themselves and don't expect me to keep up my end of it. I really have no sleep schedule. I'm open-minded and have a kind heart, I see the good in nearly anyone. I secretly crave affection and attention, but I feel like I don't deserve it. I'm barely able to make eye contact and am sometimes painfully awkward. Nevertheless, I love animals and I'm more comfortable with them (they are far easier than humans). I'm a feminist and anarchist with my whole heart. I don't know if it's true, but I think I annoy people. I have trust issues and I'm therefore more cautious around others. I really struggle to say what's on my mind, sometimes I can't even build the easiest sentence. I think the best feelings are that of a hug or cuddling (but I could never ask anyone for one) and that of feeling and being protected. I'm probably the clumsiest person. I only judge people for what I experience, so it doesn't matter to me what is said about that person or what their heritage/beliefs are.

Thank you♡

Hi lovie 💖 you remind me of myself a little. It took me such a long ass time to realize that I am worthy of being competant, and confident. A good friend of mine broke me out of my shell, and just like that I was free from doubt and sadness, and feeling like I was never meant to succeed at things. Trust me, you don’t annoy people. If you are quiet and reserved like you said, there’s no way. You’re not boring either, you’re just a thinker. I am too. Common folk want to go out and have fun, but rare people like you appreciate deeper meaning, and I think that’s beautiful. You deserve every bit of love you receive, and so much more 💖💖💖

Sorry if I was a little too personal with you!! I just hate it when ppl doubt themselves 🥺🥺💕

I ship you with Vincent!

Soulmates. Just saying that here and now.

Vincent saw you first, barely— you were so quiet in how you observed everything he barely noticed you

He compared your delicacy to his wax sculptures, something of art, a spectacle, and that’s why he didn’t kill you— because he thought you were sort of beautiful.

He approached you, not meaning to show himself to you, but you noticed and looked over— he froze.

You smiled at him so politely, no fear or suspicion, so unassuming and pure. He didn’t touch you, nor would he let Lester or bo touch you. You weren’t meant for that.

He loves you so much because you’re so gentle, and calm and unassuming.

He’ll play Beethoven for you, while he works on his sculptures.

He loves to be in the same room as you, though just enjoying each other’s presence and not exactly talking

Vincent prefers sign language than to use his real voice, which you don’t mind of course

He weirdly gets really relaxed around you, especially when you two are alone. It’s like you’re his safe space, away from all of his stresses

His ideal evening with you would be in his quarters, alone with you. He works on his art, while you read in the corner while listening to classical music.

Vincent gets really shy when it comes to physical affection, and will usually never initiate it.

So in the beginning of the relationship, he’ll get really tense and embarrassed when you try to hold him.

But he eventually comes to love it, and will sign you to come lay down with him sometimes, if you two are alone in his quarters.

He may refuse to come out of his quarters sometimes, to which you go to the kitchen to make some tea or a snack for the both of you, and share with him

It makes him melt for you, (honestly if you are kind to him an any way he’ll melt for you), and that’s when he’ll most likely initiate affection, hold you, ask you to sit next to him, etc :)

He lets you know without saying it, that your autism and depression does not matter to him, and that his love for you is unconditional

When he shows you his face, you embrace him and kiss him deeply, and he could die from how happy he felt.

He never wants to be apart from you. He would protect you from his brothers and from everyone, he wants you to himself forever.

He loves you so much he can barely breathe

I wouldn’t be surprised if when he died, his love for you resurrects him 💜

[paradise-creator]

Hi! May I have a romantic heaven box BNHA matchup, please? :)

I'm Flo, a 19 years old bisexual girl.

Appearance: I'm 164 cm(~5'3) tall, with slim, kinda athletic body. I have medium long brown hair and same coloured deer-eyes(probably most attractive part on me), I also wear eyesglasses. I have thin mouth unfortunately. Also, I have a tiny little scar above my right eyebrow(I opened our car's door on my head years ago lolol), it's barely visible. I'm vain and always dress like a lady: so dresses and skirts, I have a classy, elegant or cute style, depends on my daily outfit. I wear light makeup, but not all the time.

Personality: Ambiverted, Virgo with Leo ascendant and Pisces moon. Needless to say, these already represent how confusingly dual my personality is. My behaviour constatntly changes, depending on who I am with: I try to sell myself, being two-faced, wearing a mask(sometimes I appear to be talkative, other times full-stoic), but to people I really do love, I'm quite blunt. Most of the time I'm caring and relatively kind person(but can be an asshole&harsh if tired emotionally). Highly critical, opinionated and rational-thinker, and I usually analyze everything: movies, books, other people, myself. HATE small talk, I always want to talk about some deep shit, sharing my opinions, thougts(only if you ask for it). Enjoy debating. Also, I'm the REALLY clumsy, like clumsy af and I have an invincible talent in getting myself into the most embarrassing, cringe situations. Hate appearing to be weak or crying in front of others(I never do), and generally I can get melancolic and depressed easily. I don't really trust even my loved ones, I always hide my deepest emotional(or whatever) issues, I just can't stand the fact being emotionally vulnerable. Also, I bottle up feelings well. But I can be soft sometimes which suprises people. One of my best friends said, I am suprising, always doing something unpredicted. Additionally, I stress over something all the time. About my humour, it's kinda ironic, dark, morbid, troll-ish; roasting, teasing people 24/7. Don't worry, despite my sometimes serious act, I can be a total dumb idiot. Selfish, vain, lazy,  snobbish hahah. Quite liberal, and I almost never judge people, I mind my own buisness. When I can talk about something I love or just sharing my opinion, I am passionate and be ready for a LONG rambling. Oh, I love alcohol and going out with friends, also I smoke those occassions. Plus, I have god-like hands, everyone told me that I could earn money bc of my massaging skills(I just know by instict how to touch people lol). Oh, and I daydream and zone out a lot.

Relationship: I don't really have a 'type' but I get bored easily: I takes a lot for me to really like in long-term a person, so I fall easier for complex and charismatic ones(but like I said, I can fall for other personalities too!!). I'm a quite difficult person to be with and to love, so I'm suprisingly flexible in a relationship. Only thing I need and without it wouldn't work at all: DEEP CONVOS AND SOME INTELLECT. Also, I have a quite roasting-bullying type humour, so my lover should understand and being able to handle that. Anyways, I'm not much of a PDA person(but I don't mid handholding, short hugs etc. if my partner really want to), and not romantic at all(also cannot flirt hehe), and for a long time I can be bit distant. Love language is words of affirmation&quality time, and if I have to express my feelings I'm best with acts of service. I love cuddling, ppl are suprised when I initiate hugs but tbh I love physical affection. I'm probably more likely the 'friend' lover. I need a lot, lot, lot alone time.

Hobbies/Likes: classical literature, theatre, politics, hiking, sightseeing, mysteries, reading about disappearances(crimes), trying out new things, yoga, running, horse riding, table tennis, listening to music

Sorry if I was too long, then just ignore me, hehe~

↬ ──:.⃗➹ +.*༉‧ᵕ̈°`*↷. ೃ₊✎⸙͎˚- ̗̀✧: ──↫

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ɴᴏᴡ ʟᴏᴀᴅɪɴɢ

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Hello and Welcome my Starlight!

The Haven box includes:

- Match up

- Sun drop

- Flashes of memory

- Such a loser

───✱*.｡:｡✱*.:｡✧*.｡✰*.:｡✧*.｡:｡*.｡✱ ───

I'd match you up with

Bakugou Katsuki, Dynamight

───✱*.｡:｡✱*.:｡✧*.｡✰*.:｡✧*.｡:｡*.｡✱ ───

Sun drops

- Honestly it took me a LONG time to think who you would match with

- There was Momo, Jiro, Denki, and Iida. I just couldnt pick

- But in the end, I choose my first option, Bakugou

- With Bakugou, one is never bored

- His sarcasm and snarky attitude can prove to be entertaining!

- Though he may not seem like it, Bakugou seem like a type of person that will never do small talk

- He's more of a listener tbh

- At first the relationship may be rough but in the end it all works out

- Bakugo is a complicated character, it's hard to read him and that's what makes it exciting

- He isn't into pda but in private, expect some INTIMATE times

- AGRESSIVE COMFORT

- He finds you so cute and entertaining whenever you tease/Bully other people

- ROAST COMPETITION NO CAP

───✱*.｡:｡✱*.:｡✧*.｡✰*.:｡✧*.｡:｡*.｡✱ ───

Flashes of memory

Bakugou: Oi, Dumass!

Requester: Yes?

Bakugou: I Fucking love you so stop being a Dumbass!

Requester: I love you too and I'M NOT A DUMBASS

Bakugo: Your MY dumb

------------------------

Random guy: *Flirts with requester*

Requester: *Is trying not to kill the man*

Bakugou: TAKE THAT YOU PIECE OF SHIT! DON'T FLIRT WITH MY IDIOT

Kirishima: Ah, here we go again--BAKUBRO DON'T KILL HIM

-------------------------

Bakugo: OI, NERD

Requester: *ignores*

Bakugo: OI DUMBASS DONT IGNORE ME!

Requester: *Continues to ignore*

Bakugo: Fine! I'm sorry for gatting you mad

Requester: That wasn't so hard now is it?

───✱*.｡:｡✱*.:｡✧*.｡✰*.:｡✧*.｡:｡*.｡✱ ───

Such a loser

"Oi, I heard from Shittyhair you've been criticizing yourself to harshly again. What are you such a dumbass?" Bakugou yelled as she stomped his way towards his girlfriend. "And what if I am?" She replied as she looked away from her book. The brown haired girl was just peacefully reading in her dorm. Nothing much was really going on, she was just studying. She has the tendency to be harsh on herself. And with classmates like hers, it often happens. And as a Boyfriend, Bakugou thinks it's his responsibility and his problem that if his love is sad or hurt or insecure, he will make sure they are loved.

"Get off of the fucking floor and go to bed. We're gonna cuddle and you can't say no as an answer," Bakugo growled. The girl sighed and placed her book down, it's not like she wants to deny anyway. So they went to lay on the bed. Bakugo pulled her head on his chest and wrapped an arm around her." You idiot! Stop being harsh on yourself, dammit," He said as he placed his head on top of hers. "You are already perfect. That's why you got to shut taht pretty little mouth of yours and accept that you are," He added.

───✱*.｡:｡✱*.:｡✧*.｡✰*.:｡✧*.｡:｡*.｡✱ ───

Author's note

Hello there! Sorry for the wait, I was quite tired but here is the Haven box as requested.

[semisgroupie]

Hey luv! I came here by your Nori work hehe! I see that you reached 100 followers! I'm new here but congrats sweetie!

If that's alright, for tour event, I'd like to have a matchup with hq and jjk.

So uh I'm 17 and a pan. I have short, straight black hair with black-ish big eyes. I have an round face with chubby cheeks even though I'm a bit of the thin side.I have long eyelashes and wear glasses. So basically I have baby face and I don't show my age at all! As for my height I'm 1.70 cm.

For my personality, I'm that mom-friend that every friend group has. Need some painkillers? BAM! Need some pads? Do you need 1 or 50? You are hurt? Don't worry I have an aid kit. Your stomach or head hurts? Honey, don't you worry I have a various kind of herb teas with myself.

If someone needs a shoulder to cry on, that person is me. If somebody hurts my friends I go like "So you are saying that he/she/they broke your heart? Okay give me the names and addresses. Now."I would deal with them and then say "So do I need to break some more faces?" I'm not that violent but if they touch my family and friends.... May God help them.

But I'm actually very kind and smiley. I'm the kind of person who smiles at strangers, hold the door for them, talk with a waiter casually and smile at them as well. I never judge someone for their nationality, skin color, language, sexuality etc. And If I see someone bully another person for these reasons or another one, I stand against the bully and if needed I beat them.

I may seem like an cold and serious person at first meeting but over time I'm the biggest goofball and crackheaf you can ever see! Sometimes I'm a bit sarcastic and tease my closest friends a lot- ofc I never offend them. I know what they are insecure about( if they are, WHICH isn't allowed on my watch.- and My friends always tell me that I kinda flirt with them but I never realize and When I actually try to flirt, I can't?

For the hobbies; I love watching anime, listening and observing people, comforting people or just listen their rantings, reading, listening music and singing.... I am not that good at gardening and stuff but sometimes I do this as well...

NSFW OR SFW doesn't matter.

I hope that you will reach 500, 1000 and even more!

Thank you so much <3! And of course, doesn’t matter if you followed me yesterday or when I first started the blog! Hope you enjoy!

JJK: I match you with...

ITADORI YUUJI!

he absolutely loves how kind you are to strangers

often has to pull you back from trying to kill anyone who hurt your friends (but don’t worry he has some plots in his head to get them before you)

will join in on beating up bullies w/ you

please have a first aid kit at the ready for him

“hey babe do you have... a uh bandaid... kinda hurt myself”

loves listening to you sing

first time he heard you sing he thought he died and went to heaven

“WOW THAT WAS FANTASTIC PLEASE SING MORE FOR ME PLEASE PLEASE”

you two are the bubbly couple and so cute together 

always laughs when you tease him and loves it when you tease him

HQ: I match you with...

KENMA KOZUME!

he is also observant so you two can people watch together 

you always have to remind him to take breaks from his games

have painkillers ready because he’ll always get headaches from staring at screens for too long

you’ll have to listen to his rants about games 

“I’ve tried to beat this boss 6 times and I just can’t”

“okay Kozu tell me all about it”

you might not understand but he loves being able to talk to someone so freely about it

always gives little smiles seeing how kind you are with others

kuroo loves the two of you together

[judgement-free-sideblog]

Occupational Hazards

Barry Berkman x Reader

Three part series: It was just another job, he doesn't even had to kill anyone, but the way she looked at him was more dangerous than the bullets.

Part I Part II Part III

Angst with a happy ending

Warnings: Violence, cursing, blood, mention of abortion, stalkers.

Part III

"Someone got lucky" Natalie said when Barry entered his apartment, she was helping Nick with his lines for an audition and since the first pictures of his relationship with Y/N had emerged she always find an excuse to be near him and ask a million annoying questions "Although is kind of tacky to come to home with the same clothes from yesterday"

"No comment" That usually make her keep her distance but since he took forever to pour himself a coffee she followed him to the kitchen.

"So we were watching the nominations this morning, anything interesting to talk about it?" Somehow even when his job consisted in sell the lie he didn't felt comfortable talking about Y/N with his friends, and specially not that morning. He gave her a deadly glare and just walk inside his room.

Barry left the untouched coffee on his desk and collapsed on his bed, he wasn't tired, and the ideas revolving in his mind would keep him up for long enough.

They have watch several romantic comedies with wine and popcorn and then when they were discussing how impractical and unrealistic they were she apologized to him for the permanent damage that the article would cause in his attempts to get back to Sally, it wasn't strange since they have come to know about each other's past over the weeks, the strange part was that he was not actually concern about it. Sally had become a simple friend and he was sure even had to talk to him more often since Y/N came into his life, but he didn't had romantic feelings towards her anymore.

However the sudden realization that those feelings were gone because of the woman that was curled next to him, screaming at Cameron Diaz to run away from her idiot fiance; made him feel uneasy, he would have prefer to leave, but she was obviously anxious about the nominations the next morning so he agreed to take the couch, but she since she couldn't sleep they open another bottle of wine and start asking questions about each other.

He got to learn that the B&H menthol were her favorite cigarettes, but she was trying to quit and she actually only have one or two every couple weeks when she was to nervous, and he make himself a mental note to buy a package just in case. He told her about his favorite music, and a thing or two about her days in Afganistan, she told her how her mom was dying and her money was not to save her just to help her live her last days in least pain.

She asked about the most terrible thing he ever did and when he couldn't answer she went first.

"Do you want to know the real reason I broke up with Richard?" She said suddenly completely serious.

"You don't have to do that Y/N..."

"I want to, I feel like you have this weight on you and that you think of yourself as a monster, so do I. I may not be the trash human everyone think I am but that doesn't excuse what I have done. I have always hhave friends many friends men and women, and I even like some of them, that doesn't mean I sleep with them but for Richard every men I even talked to was someone I was fucking behind his back" She took one large drink of wine, it was clearly a painful memory "The thing I actually loved him, and I actually saw myself sharing my life with him, he was my agent back then and I could look over her rudeness most of the time... but then I got pregnant" She gave him a sad smile and he could see where the story was going so he remained silent even when he wanted to hold her. "He obviously didn't believe it could be his, and ask me to take care of it, or my life and my career and my mother treatment would be over so I did it. And don't get me wrong I know now that it was the right choice, believing I could have a family with that pig is ridiculous, but it wasn't my choice at the time and I don't know after that I just had to run away from him, I actually sleep with my costar, that's number 3 and use the scandal to break things with Richard, and now I'm here"

He hold her close to him and not thinking he started telling her about Korengal, about Moss and about Mayrbeck, she was comfortable to hold on to, she simply nodded and asked an occasional question about the time those things happened but she didn't judge him, and he eventually closed his own eyes and pretend for a moment that she was not paying him, that there was actually one human being who would love him not only despite his past, but also because of it. Someone who would feel safe enough with him, that she could sleep like that. He wanted to tell her that Sally was nice but she would never accept his truth, and she was like a getaway car, she had been the illusion to be Barry Block and leaving all behind, but her... Y/N came looking for Barry Berkman and she wasn't scared of him, but he also couldn't say it because he knew once things were over she would go back to his life and his little bubble will pop.

And that day was closer than ever, she was nominated as Outstanding supporting actress in a limited series or TV movie, and as she had said she had absolutely no chance to win because Maverick wouldn't let her, but the amount of opportunities that would come after if she get nominated would be enough to find a new agent, and walk away from that life, so she had been waiting to hear her name for months and now that it was finally there the look on her face was enough to turn down all of his precautions and he simply kiss her.

He take her by the neck in the middle of her excitement and simply put his lips onto hers and kiss her like she was the only thing he needed to survive, and he was only recovering his common sense when Y/N hold him tighter and kissed him back with the same intensity, he was happy beyond comprehension but reality find its way to his mind and eventually he let go. Y/N opened her mouth to say something but her phone start ringing with congratulations from her friends and that allowed them to have a minute to settle down.

"Don't worry about the suit, they are probably going to offer you one" She said to him finally after answering the phone the third time.

"Yeah sure, I am so happy for you. Congratulations" He was being honest, but he needed to acknowledge the kiss somehow "I'm so sorry I shouldn't..." for some reason apologizing for something he was not sorry for is what he did.

"Please don't apologize, it was nice, is being a long time since someone kissed me like that, say it was the heat of the moment, or that you simply felt like it, but don't be sorry about it because I'm not" The look she gave him, that's when he knew he was doomed, she wanted him, for how long? who could tell, but he was much of a coward to find out, so he make up an excuse and didn't even touch her when he said goodbye, and just walked away.

Fortunately the next weeks past in a blur, a couple days later their Variety interview was the subject of an angry call from Sally for not telling her, and endless banter and teasing from his classmates wich lead to shaming him into bet on her in Jermaine Emmy's pool.

He had tell the story of how they met more times than he could remember, and there was little to no time to be alone with her, other than the choreographed PDA they had agreed beforehand, and she even had to leave for two weeks to New York for another set of endless interviews, on wich she made sure to get his name out at least once, he watched them and pretend that he was the actual loving boyfriend waiting for her return even when his mind kept reminding him he was not.

He had told her everything and she didn't judge him, and his heart was holding the hope that maybe, just maybe in the end she could be a friend since he felt undeserving of something else, and by the time he was at her place waiting for her to go to the ceremony he had already promised himself he would be there for her no matter what.

The award ceremony was magic in itself, walking next to her on the red carpet and watching her like the star she was in the elegant black gown she had chosen was more than enough for him, but there were also a lot of famous people who surprisingly treated him as if he belonged, and in the middle of that crowd he could finally found a moment of intimacy with her on the way she nervously hold his hand whenever Richard looked their way and when he got upstaged to introduce the Award Y/N was nominated in, he was attractive and charismatic but the smug on the bastard face when he read her name on the nominations and then when he finally said the winner (Zoe Saldana or someone like that) were enough to make his blood boil and mentally mark a bullet with his name on it.

***

"I just lose 300 grand" He whispered in your ear and you could smell a hint of perfume, it was perfect.

"Well next time bet against me, and listen to me when I talk" you fixed his bow tie as an excuse to touch him, he looked unrealistically hot, the tux the hair, even the incipient beard that had started to grow look fantastic on him. "I hate after parties, but Adrian says we should make an appearance and then we can get out of there"

He nodded and you could feel him trembling under your hands, he had been weird since the kiss and you can understand why, but you wanted to reassure him that you didn't give a fuck about his past, that Block or Berkman or whatever you only cared for Barry, that there was something in him that make you feel happy, that he calling out your bullshit was something you needed and that that kiss was the single most happy moment you ever had.

They drove you to the after party and you allowed the crowd to separate you from him while you mapped out in your mind how to talk to him on the way home, and then you felt it, the stench of bourbon and cigars, and a big hand pulling from her arm with strength, you paralyzed for a moment and the promise you had made yourself to kick his nuts the way Barry teach you fly away when he got in the middle of your conversation with a Mexican Director famous for not giving a crap about Hollywood who had a project on Netflix.

"Oh please don't let this man drag you tho those movies actual cinema is here in Hollywood, not paying monthly to watch on your leaving room" He smiled like a hyena and you desperately try to avoid him, but pull you closer and Alfonso simply gave you his card discreetly and walked away. "Quite the spectacle you have put on with the little soldier" he said letting go of your arm, but still blocking your way with his body. "Too bad is about to be over."

"Oh I was not aware you have a saying in when or for how long I am with someone" you spat at him desperately looking for someone to come closer so you could make an escape, but your heart broke when you saw Barry talking happily with whom you assume was his Sally Reed, and you felt alone and defeated and he must have seen that in your eyes because his poisonous tongue kept talking.

"He is good looking I give you that" he said looking in his direction and then back at you holding your chin and you fight with all your strength to not cry right there "But he is just a looser from Ohio, who was caught in the middle of all this glamour" he made a round movement with his hand and then pointed at you "And you are a drinking, smoking whore, you are not going to be the respectable wife of a soldier and retire to live in the suburban house with the white fence. Wake up from your dream Y/N, you need to be with a men who knows how to treat you and how to please you" His hand was on your waist and you felt disgusted by his touch and you cursed yourself for not screaming then and there to fuck off "Tell me little one, does your soldier know how to make you scream? Or does he bore you to death in bed" He was drunk it was obvious and you could feel his breath approaching you and could anticipate his movement, he was going to kiss you.

"Well I haven't recieved complaints" Barry's voice take you out of your trance state and you move away from Richard, he had put his hand on his shoulder and was pressing him steadily in his place, he was way taller and Richard almost look funny next to him "But we hardly ever make it to the bed do we babe?" He possessively take you by the waist and pull you away from him straight to his lips and kissed you voraciously, something that people around you actually notice because you could hear a couple of whistles.

"Are you okay?" He whispered quiet enough so only you could hear and you nodded yes "Such a pleasure to meet you finally, Barry Berkman" He offered his hand and Richard took it trying to put out his charm again.

"The famous Barry, so you are the man taking away our beautiful Y/N to make her a decent woman" He teased you again. You were no longer shaking and Barry's presence gave you courage.

"I think is the other way around" You search inside his jacket for a pack of cigarettes you saw him put there earlier an took one to your mouth "I'm trying to make this beautiful man and indecent creature" Barry quickly offered you fire and then he looked to Richard who was obviously angry at him.

"And you are succeeding honey, anyway I'm going to have to take her away for good, bye Richard" He didn't give him a chance to respond and you were already walking towards Sally, she was there as the plus one of her costar in Richard's movie and she was a lovely person, who only wanted to reassure you she and Barry were done, offered you her friendship and asking for acting advice.

"You want to get out of here?" You said once you have talked to almost everyone but this time Barry make sure to not leave your side in case Maverick come close again.

You walked outside and the car was waiting for you, and different from other times he didn't let your hand go once you were inside, instead he put his arm around you and hold you closer to him.

"I'm so sorry, I paralyzed, I was freaking out and I didn't pushing away, I feel so ashamed" you started speaking against his chest with tears finally coming from your eyes.

"Hey there, it's okay" He patted your back and kissed the top of your head, his voice was calming like a balm taking away the pain "That guy is a jerk, at least he is getting the point now, you were right. What kind of asswhole needs to see a woman with another man in order to understand she doesn't want him?"

"We hardly make it to the bed?" You said smiling "I liked that one, the look on his face"

"I couldn't think anything else, was it too much?" He clearly was nervous about kissing you but this time you were not letting him go so easily.

"Maybe, would you consider this too much?" You pull his face down to kiss him but he didn't move, he kissed you back, not as theatrical as before and his lips felt soft on yours and you could feel his hand on your neck holding you close to him and the other caressing your hair, it felt like pure electricity and little by little he started pushing his tongue inside of yours, and you were surprised by the dominant way he kissed you and the tender way he was holding you.

You were interrupted once the driver announced you were home and once you were inside you could see him burying his hands in his pockets like he didn't know what to do with them.

"We shouldn't" He said finally but his eyes meant something else "I mean I'm still working for you"

"And you say you were no prostitute" you smile at him, using him as support so you could take off your heels and tossed them somewhere in the living room "Are you coming or not?" You take his hand and point to the staircase with your head.

"Yes ma'am" he answered with a grin a followed you upstairs leaving tender kisses in your bare shoulders.

***

Barry wake up with her naked body still wrapped around him, her dress that had been almost impossible to take off was in the floor in some corner and he went to put on his boxers so he could get downstairs, it was 7:00 am and he wanted to make her breakfast, even if he couldn't figure out his way in the kitchen, but he chose to take a leak first.

He was walking out of the bathroom, with the memories of the previous night burning in the back of his head and then he listened it, the familiar sound of a gun going off and he panicked, because it wasn't in his hands, and then a stinging pain in his shoulder, an actual relief because whoever was shooting didn't knew what their were doing, he collapsed on his back next to de bed and hit his head making all blurry but he was listening.

The noise wake Y/N and Barry could hear her scream when she saw him bleeding, and his mind was only thinking in fighting back, then the lights turned on and he could see her, the figure shaking at the door holding the gun.

"Why? Why did you had to choose him?" Adrian's voice had a high pitch on it "I was the one supposed to comfort you, and to hold your hand last night Y/N!!!" She shot at her but thankfully she was terrible and she missed, barry didn't move waiting for a moment to reach for one of the guns he had hide in her room months ago, begging to not bleed out before he could.

"Leave that alone for once" Maverick voice said from the door "And you get dress" He tossed a night gown to Y/N that was covering herself with a bedsheet, he hit Adrian on the face making her fall to the ground and took the gun away from her hands.

"What the fuck Richard?" Y/N scream at him, and she put on the gown "What the fuck are you doing in my house" She attempt to run towards Barry but he stopped her.

"Oh I wouldn't do that sugar" He sounded drunk or something else, but he had enough coordination to hold the gun better than Adrian that now was a crying mess in a corner. "Sit here and don't move" He forced her to sit on the bed and went to were Barry was trying o stand with a hand holding on the bed. "Come on soldier sit with your whore"

"Adrian why did you do this?" Y/N was talking to the young girl, but she couldn't even look at them she was curled in the floor sobbing and holding herself. "I cared for you, you were like my sister, I loved you"

"Oh, did you hear that?" Richard laughed and went to pick Adrian by the hair and forced her to look at Y/N "A sister, but that's not what you wanted right? You'll see Y/N this lady here found something interesting about your prince charming here, and out of her so called love for you she came to me to help her solve your problem, tell me sweetheart have this man told you why did he came home from the war? He is a fucking murderer." His words sound poisonous and Y/N look shocked, but Barry new it was more about how he got that information than the actual fact that Barry had killed someone.

"What do you want Richard?" She said and her voice was soft, she even move apart from Barry in what he hoped was pretend disgust "What are you talking about?"

"This guy you chose killed an innocent man and walked away with it, and your lovely friend here was so worry about you that last night she was too drunk to shut up, so this morning she convinced me to came here and help her get you to safety, but oh no, we are too late" he started pacing around the room making an fake distressed face, and he ignored Barry for a moment "When I got here he had already snapped, he killed your friend..." He pointed the gun to Adrian's head an ignored Y/N pleas and simply killed her "And then I have trouble imagining what could have happened" He had a sadistic grin and took Y/N by the hair and force her to kiss him. "What do you think? He killed himself when he saw what he did?" He pointed his gun at Barry's head who was looking down with his hands behind his back "Or the coward shot you before he killed himself?" He caressed her face with the smoking gun and enjoyed the terror in her face "What is it going to be dear?" He said trying to force another kiss on her.

"Maybe think better asswhole" Barry said and out of nowhere he took the gun frrom his hand an shot him in the head under the scared face of Y/N and even when he was relieved he had saved her he could assume he had lost her forever.

***

The official version was that Richard was high on many different substances, he broke into your house and tried to kill you but Barry took that bullet and then when Adrian tried to calm him down he killed her and out of fear and his agitated mental state he end up blowing up his brains.

There was no reason to disbelief you, he had make a scene at the party the previous night when you left and the gun was registered, and in his house they found footage of your apartment entrance and some pictures taken from the front building as Barry had suspected.

After some harsh couple of months and a very well elaborated lie things were settled down and you even were about to start working on a new independent film.

Everything was perfect but you still missed him, you haven't been able to manage the initial shock and he interpreted as you being too disgusted by his lifestyle and he choose to go back to his anonymous life, to his acting class and being Barry Block, even when press won't leave him alone for days.

A year passed in a blur and you felt hurt that he didn't called you, and you were too proud to look for him, and suddenly one day, Sally walked in for a table read for the movie, and after it was over, and after impressing everyone there including you she timidly approach.

"Hi, I don't want to be awful, but do you remember meeting me?" She said and it take you by surprise the humility she showed.

"Sure you were Barry's friend right?" You said hiding the pain his name produced in your heart.

"Oh my god you remember that's so sweet of you, I just wanted to say how glad I am to work with you, you are such an inspiration" She seemed sincere but you wanted to run away from everything that could remained you of him "And I'm sorry it didn't work out for you guys, I mean he is still obviously in love with you, but he is such a non violent guy that I get why he walked away, but you are a fighter and I just wanted to say I respect you so much"

You smiled and change the subject, and praise her acting buying you enough time to process her words and a glimpse of hope start shining, maybe it was not all lost.

***

"I'm lady Macbeth, again" Natalie's voice was proud of herself, this was the third time they were doing the Shakespearean night but this time he hadn't get Macbeth like the previous year but Benedick in a scene from Much ado about nothing, a comedy since Gene thought he needed to experiment more with that genre, and he had cast Saha as Beatrice, but she didn't have the slightest interest since he had actually given her a second role as Helena in Midsummer.

By the time he was ready to come out in scene and declare his love for Beatrice the woman looking against him was clearly not Sasha but he could have known her figure in any place and so he went and started talking not sure of what to expect.

BENEDICK: I do love nothing in the world so well as you; is not that strange?

BEATRICE: As strange as the thing I know not. It were as possible for me to say I loved nothing so well as you: but believe me not; and yet I lie not;

I confess nothing, nor I deny nothing. I am sorry for my cousin.

BENEDICK: By my sword, Beatrice, thou lovest me.

BEATRICE: Do not swear, and eat it.

BENEDICK: I will swear by it that you love me; and I will make him eat it that says I love not you.

BEATRICE: Will you not eat your word?

BENEDICK: With no sauce that can be devised to it. I protest I love thee.

BEATRICE: Why, then, God forgive me!

BENEDICK: What offence, sweet Beatrice?

BEATRICE: You have stayed me in a happy hour: I was about to protest I loved you.

BENEDICK: And do it with all thy heart.

BEATRICE: I love you with so much of my heart that none is left to protest.

BENEDICK: Come, bid me do any thing for thee.

BEATRICE: Kill Claudio.

The last line resonated in his mind for a moment, but she turned to the audience to make a bow and so did he happy to receive the applause, and she went to take his hand on hers and take one more bow before leaving the stage to Natalie.

"What are you doing here?" He asked her once they were apart from everyone.

"Playing Beatrice, Gene is an old friend of mine, I'm surprised he didn't told you, he loves to name drop, I asked him if I could read for this, I do miss theater you know?" She said finding a chair to sit on, the costume looked beautiful on her.

"That's not what I meant" He started keeping his distance.

"You never called, I went to pick you from the hospital and you leave before I got there, you avoid my calls..." Y/N was holding her hands together nervously. "

"I didn't think I should be around you, and Richard was no longer a threat" he said giving in and sitting next to her. "I do my job and walk away, that's how it works".

"Don't call it a work you didn't get paid" She said hurt by his words and he regretted immediately "We both know it wasn't that anymore that night... Barry I would not give you the crappy speech of how much I love you, but I do, I love you, with all the shitty parts that come along with you, if anything I love you more about those, am sorry I freaked out at the moment but I was sure he was going to kill you, I wasn't scared for me nor of you, for you plenty"

He remained silent for a moment and then he finally stood up, and for a moment she thought he would walk away, but he didn't.

"Do you want to get coffee?" He asked simply.

"Will you hold the mug like a normal person?" She joked.

"I'll ask for a paper cup with no handle if it's better" he said extending his hand to her. "And for what is worth, I love you too"

She took his hand and walked with him into the night, but he couldn't feel the darkness anymore, and the future looked bright for once.

The end

I liked this a lot, I hope you enjoy it

[nevermeyers]

For the writing ask : 7, 10, 15, 27 and 40 ?

Have a lovely day 💖

7. What is your deepest joy about writing?

There are several things that are my deepest joy about this. The first is being able to create entire worlds and characters that feel real in my head. It's a skill that will never cease to amaze me. The human being is impressive, right?

The second is to be able to express what I feel through narrative. Even if it's not about myself and I write about other characters, they all carry a part of me, my feelings and insecurities, my fears. Seeing the final result of what I write also makes me very happy :')

10. Has a piece of writing ever “haunted” you? Has your own writing haunted you? What does that mean to you?

My own writing has scared me in a strange way. I've been doing it since I was a kid and it got to the point where I could easily write twenty pages a day without a problem. I have too big an imagination and the feeling of being disconnected and living my stories more than I live my life scares me . Yet at the same time, I wouldn't know what I would do without it, because I really like being able to unplug like that whenever I want. The hard part is coming back to reality :') I don't know if I explained myself well.

I remember something specific. I remember coming back from school every day by bus. The journey took between half an hour and forty minutes, depending on traffic. I used to put myself in the same place and ignore everything to get into a story in my head while listening to some music. I didn't close my eyes, but I could disconnect from my surroundings. And it was not only images that formed in my head, but also narrated it 🐝

15. Do you write in the margins of your books? Dog-ear your pages? Read in the bath? Why or why not? Do you judge people who do these things? Can we still be friends?

NO NO NO NO 😭 Books are sacred to me. I'm the type of person that if there was a fire I would grab all my books. They're like my children. I even usually wash my hands before reading because I'm terrified of somehow getting them dirty. All my books are perfectly neat and clean, with no things in the margins, no stains.

Yes, I judge people who do that. It's unavoidable sorry :')

27. Who is the most stressful character you’ve ever written? Why?

I won't say that writing them stresses me out, but I would be anxious to be with them if they were real people.

The first is Ran from Ephemere, who has a big problem with internalized homophobia and often treats his boyfriend badly almost without realizing it. It's infuriating, especially for his partner, to see how he thinks it's even normal to say that gay people are promiscuous by nature, or that being gay isn't normal. This Ran hates himself deeply and, despite the fact that he finds the strength to try to change, he is unable to leave behind all those thoughts that his family has transmitted to him.

The second one is from a fic that I haven't published yet. It's from a Drakenui in which Seishu has an ED that he has dragged through without going to therapy since his childhood. He's a boy obsessed with the idea of ​​perfection, as he has grown up watching his sister Akane (who also had an ED) trying to please boys by being perfect, also their family. After Akane's death, Seishu does the exact same thing, not only does he develop ED, but he starts hanging out with guys to heal his emotional emptiness, guys who treat him like crap the way they treated his sister.

40. Please share a poem with me, I need it.

I haven't written poetry in years, so I'll put up an Oscar Wilde poem that never fails to inspire me to write <3

Yet each man kills the thing he loves,

By each let this be heard,

Some do it with a bitter look,

Some with a flattering word,

The coward does it with a kiss,

The brave man with a sword!

Some kill their love when they are young,

And some when they are old;

Some strangle with the hands of Gold:

The kindest use a knife, because

The dead so soon grow cold.

Some love too little, some too long,

Some sell and others buy;

Some do the deed with many tears,

And some without a sigh:

For each man kills the thing he loves,

Yet each man does not die.

[still-lookingfor-myself]

THANK YOU I'm always kinda scared to say I love Undertale because I know most people consider it cringy and since a part of the fandom is... well we don't talk about that, but still THE FANDOM IS NOT THE GAME, firstly, and secondly why do you judge just "that" side of the fandom?? You have any idea about out AMAZING some animations are (come on, Underverse is so badass), fanarts who are wholesome and/or so cool (Zarla, TC-96, charamells, etc), beautiful music (not only the Undertale rap, but also things like the nursery rhyme and... Secret Garden, that song ALWAYS make me cry when I sing it and it's really well done, if you know the story it's crazy because EVERY STROPHE PROGRESS THROUGH IT like come on how cool it is) and so much more.

And this is only the fandom. AND THE GAME? Once you don't make my mistake (I thought that the game was shitty because the fandom was shitty) and you acknowledge that it's not that bad, try it. You may not like it, I mean everyone has different tastes, but it's worth a try. I can't stress enough how GREAT it is. Let alone the mechanic that you can choose to be a serial killer, a medium jerk or a pacifist, which leads to different endings and they're all so well done and full of emotions and even with little variations depending on who you kill (never seen the ending where you only spare Papyrus? Man that hurts way too much), the game itself is a wonderful and meaningful experience. You have funny moments (Papyrus, Undyne's date, Mettaton's shows, etc) but also sad moments ("But nobody came" still makes me shiver, but also when everyone tells you about their story in Asgore's castle, etc) and also relaxing moments (Waterfall, just walking in the rain or listening to the music from the statue, like it really makes you feel at peace) and we have the amazing MUSIC which luckily almost everyone knows it's really good, but for those who know only Megalovania... PLEASE LISTEN TO THE REST, it's better to experience it firstly though the game (reading the story while listening to Undertale *chef kiss*) but they're cool anyway, I mean have you heard Hopes and Dreams?? That song is dope, it's so glorious it makes you feel like a damn hero (also Battle against a true hero, but in that case... you're not the hero in question).

And what it makes you feel? As I said before it depends, but to me Undertale was not just a game. Maybe because I wasn't going through a very nice time (nothing big, but I was feeling like shit and ended up isolating myself for a whole year) and Undertale made me feel... not alone. Maybe because I'm a sucker for found family stuff and I could emphasise with the protagonist. Maybe because it's just that good of a game and the ambience and music wants you to feel like that. Maybe all of the above. What's important is that it made me feel loved, it made me feel at peace, it made me feel... home. I would laugh at Papyrus's failed attempts to capture me, I would wander for hours listening to the music and talking to everyone, I would befriend everyone because I was feeling guilty for hurting them, I would enjoy Mettaton's shows (and musical), I would cry at the very end after helping Alphys and battling against the very final boss of the Pacifict route... and I would come back, more than once, because it made me feel genuinely good. Fanarts where the protagonist lives with them, Sans and Papyrus are like brothers, Asgore and Toriel are like parents, Undyne and Alphys amazing friends supplied when I couldn't play or I didn't want to play to not ruin it playing too many times in a row. I can't express how much it made me happy.

"You didn't get this far by giving up, did you?"

I wrote this quote everywhere so when I feel like I can't do something I look at it and I'm instantly ready to get up and try again. It has a very strong effect on me and I don't know if I would be this determined without it reminding me from time to time. And my second favourite quote:

"I'm 19 years old and I've already wasted my entire life."

This is self explanatory lol you need to play only to talk to Burgerpants, he is way too relatable.

I could go on but I think this is enough. Maybe nobody will read this but if you did I hope I helped you to understand this game a little better. Don't make my mistake (not playing for more than two years because of the rumours), don't judge Undertale without trying it first. I promise it's worth it. Thank you.

Undertale was full of raw ass lines and I’m sorry y’all are too chickenshit to acknowledge this because you’ve decided it’s cringy to like things

[clumsyclifford]

okay i have things to say about blink:

boxing day was not convinced the first time i listened to it but i love it now? i like that it's not as loud as some others like it's just slightly calmer

heaven loooooooove this. the lyrics are so good? adore it so much

on some emo shit oh yes. this one. vibe with it so much. have had it stuck in my head for like a week now. excellent drumming i think. also love songs that feature specific parts of cities

after midnight excellent lyrics. but music-wise not my fav but like it's still great though

home is such a lonely place soooo niice. adore it. "i love the lightning but hate the rain" good shit. i just noticed i like a lot of songs of california so i should listen to that album completely too..

she's out of her mind i love this one so much i can't even say. both "she's antisocial" and "babe i'm sorry but i'm crazy tonight" are very relatable statements

feeling this again really nice drumming and i like the lyrics but not exactly my cup of tea (though give it like 2 weeks and i'll love it probably)

black rain lyrics are so great and i love the build up to the chorus. also i have to google the drummer (i know literally nothing about blink except that mark hoppus is in it don't judge please)

pin the grenade i adore this one so much. 'if you're gonna kill me baby please just do it slow' i love that lyric sooooo much love the entire song an unhealthy amout probably

roller coaster sooo good. damn i don't even know why i didn't listen to blink sooner this is all so good. my fav lyric here is "i had that dream about you again where you drive my car right off a fucking cliff" idk why. love it

i really wish i hated you okay so i knew this one already but like !!!! love it so much. i'm repeating myself but lyrical content? 10/10. though i have listened to that song too often in the last 3 months so i'm a little sick of it

hungover you such a great song too i love the whole hungover/alcohol theme in the lyrics so much? that sounds weird but i hope you know what i mean 😅

darkside love the pace of this and the drumming is so good again? lyrics are also top tier again.

okay this is a long message that is actually just supposed to say that i'm now very much in love with blink-182 (and their drummer especially whom i still have to google) and am very grateful for your amazing recs 🙈 -fiancee

god fiancee it’s so sexy of you to actually LIKE almost every single song !!!!!! also i have to say of all songs to not love, feeling this is a heartbreaking choice, BUT i will get over it. though i do hope it grows on you because i fucking love that song.

and the DRUMSSSSSSSS i know i FUCKING love blink drums. the drummer’s called travis barker yes he is a king <3 that is literally all i know about him but once again i bet heath would have more information

extremely good takes overall fiancee and as usual i adore hearing your thoughts on my various recs so this was wonderful to read i love you!!!!! very much

[thebrokenmasterpiece]

An Open Letter (About Me) | April 26, 2020 - 4:26 am | C J R

As I start the day and time is similar. April 26, 2020, 4:26am. Wow. I just thought of sharing about myself. (Sorry for my grammar. Please bare with it.) Take note this is just a summary or shorted story of my life (there is more behind these).

My life has a common story like other ordinary people. My story is not so easy has it seems. Bad and hard times, difficulties, sorrow but of course I also felt happiness, loved, care, blessed and peace.

Maybe some of you will say this story is so easy life and lucky one unlike to those who struggle since day one in the earth. For sure many of here will not believe, will judge, critize , curse and nag me because of my oh-so-pathetic-self pity-story-as-they-say, but who cares? It's my story to tell and my post to share. I am ready for your negativity because I'am full of it.

Ops, nah, I've decided that after this I will set aside my negativity and my badvibes in whole life. I will be more gracious thankful and honored to be still alive up, healthy and better until now. Here it goes.

My name is Camille Joy Juson Reyes but I preferred to be called by Cami / Mille but way back in college I used CJ as my nickname but I changed it for a reason and you will gonna know why. I'm 25 years old this year. Living on my own since last year (2019). My Father died when I was 7 years old because of heart disease. My Mother also died because of complications in her kidney and diabetes. I have 9 siblings but 1 of them died because of complication with kidney which the same disease that ends my Mother's life in earth. To top it up I am the youngest, the luckiest one they say.

Before my Father died my life is like a princess story. I have everything I've ever wanted a loving and happy family, decent and safe home, things like toys, bags, clothes, foods and so much to mention. Even though I have all I wanted there is still someone who will disagree to what I want to have and yup that's my Mother. She always nags and curses me everytime I tried to ask my Father to buy me this and those. She used abd always tells me "Tigilan mo kakapabili. Hindi tayo mayaman. Basura lang naman yang pinabibili mo (Stop asking so much, we aren't rich. Those things are trash.) So I stop asking my Father. But whenever he asked me what I want because I behave or got an award I will tell him but I say "Secret Papa" but in the end of the day my Mother will know about it and here and there she will shout how spoiled I am how brat I am. But I am thankful I have a complete and happy family or so I thought.

When my Father died everything changed. From being happy and complete to broken and uneasy life. My Mother became more conscious about money. She always think about what we gonna eat how we finish our study (by the way the time my Father died me and my other 4 siblings are still studying). My Sister (the eldest) helped Mother from bills to school fees and projects. She became our father thst time and until now (not after I left the house and started living on my own).

When our Father died one of my sister got pregant after a year. At first my Mother got angry and devastated because of my sister sudden pregnancy but later on she accepted and thought that baby is a gift from above to ease the pain she felt when her husband died. And that's how I started to change. Her grandchild became her most favorite. She always buy anything and everything and some of my toys and stuffed toy became my niece's property. She even released big amounth of money because of christening and first birthday of her grandchild. She even put her in a private school in kindergarten. How I envied my niece that time. How I wish I also got the chance to feel those special treatments. But it never happened.

When my niece still toddler my Mother bring her somewhere far seldom. So I am the one who always beside her. Going to market, going to bank, going to mall. I am the one who carried everything she bought. I am the one who stand to wait for a long line. And it changes when my niece started to grow up. She became the star and I am still nothing. Until it doesn't care anymore. I don't care if she got to celebrate her birthday with party and I am not. I don't care if she got a new toy and other stuffs and I don't. I don't care if I got scold because of her. I don't care if I got hit because of her. I don't care if she can stay inside my Mother's room and I am not even allowed to go inside without permission. I don't care if my Mother for the first time said that I shouldn't be here that it's better if I die. I don't care anymore.

I got bullied because of being "fat", "weak" and "crybaby". I never complained that to my Mother. I shut my mouth. I keep it in myself. Whenver I got home I will change clothes, eat (if there's a food to eat because sometimes we don't have) and do my assignment, project or so what, do house chores if there's any and repeat. My Mother shouts me I am lazy, worthless, stupid, idiot, dumb, trash and whatever hurtful words you can think whenver she see me doing nothing but watching or texting. She always see me doing nothing but when I do something? She still complains how pathetic and I am. When one of my sister left the house I started to use her room. I locked myself, listen to music and cry on my own. I became numb and torpid because of her. I even asked God "Why you have to get my Father instead of her?", "Why don't you just get me here?" "Are you even real?" kind of questions.

Honestly at the age of 10 I tried to kill myslef by drinking diswashing soap (my family doesn't know that. They don't know everything as always) but it didn't end my life. A pathetic failed suicide. My uncle (my Mother's brother) became so close to me 'coz I see my Father to him or so I thought. The more we got closer the more I became conscious because of how she touched, whispered and looked at me. Like someone will do something bad. And yes I am right. Year passed one afternoon I was sleeping in our living room (I'm alone because my sister got back and so to her room. My brother is also in his room. My Mother is also inside her room playing with her favorite gradchild. And yes I am alone). Our door is always close but not lock so anyone can sneak in and out. As for uncle he always like that come to our house and got in even without permission of course blood related. I felt someone touching and licking me in my private parts at first I thought it was a nightmare but when I slowly open my eyes I saw uncle licking my private part down there I push him away I wanted to scream but there's no voice coming out. I started to cry and hug myself. He sat beside me and ask for my forgiveness and he even offer me a money so I could shut my mouth. I didn't accept the money but he put it beside me and left. I thought that will be the first and last. But it just started there. He did it again. I wanted to ask my Mother's help I wanted her to help me but when I tried to tell her what her brother doing to but she opens up to me about her brother who is having a trouble to his family. She talked to me like I am a person who can help her. I listened I even saw my Mother cried because of sadness and angry because of her brother's family. She told me how good his brother, how generous, how kind, how selfless his brother. So I decided to keep it to myself. I let my uncle to those disgusting and dirty things to me because my Mother told me that uncle is sad and be nice to him. I don't want to see those eyes crying again because of sadness.

Until I got in high school. I thought it's the end. I thought it's new journey and a happy life for me. But no. It was still like hell. Uncle still do those disgusting acts to me. Worst is that he wanted me to touch his private part too but I disagree. Whenver he came to our house I always go to my sister's room or to my brother's room. Whenever he tried to lure me to come to him I will do something to avoid him. But of course it's not always like that. Worst thing he did to me is he fingered me and tried to put his private part to mine. But I told him if he still insist it I will report him to authority (not to my Mother of course) so he didn't forced me. But he asked me not to avoid him in return he will give me money and money and money. Because my Mother always complains to me how much my fees, projects, activities in school I decided to accept the money so I could use that to my study without asking for my Mother and my Sister. Worst thing that happened? My counsin (uncle's son) did the same to me. Damn this life. 4 years in high school is like 4 years playing fire on my hand. Before my high school endz I met my oh so second love (my Father was my first love) via social media. I met him because one of my niece knew him. He is sweet, loving, trustworthy again or so I thought. Day became months until I found out that he is a poser. But because he admitted and ask for my forgiveness I forgave him and continue our relation (without my family's permission). Months became year, again I found out that he is cheating on me. At first he denied it until I caught him with evidence so he admitted. I stop our communication there. But I still forgave him because he said he loved me truly it jist thst we are in a long distance relationship and not to mention thst we never meet. Damn I got hurt again because of my bullshit trust radar. Am I not worth for true? Am I not allowed to be loved? Am I not deserved to be happy?

Fast forward a little, when I got in college I swear to God how thankful I am to be far to uncle, his son and my Mother because my Sister decided that I will study in college in her side (Our eldest sister and 2 other brothers are living together to our grandparents' house (my Mother's parents) . So yippeed finally. I am free or so I thought. At first it was so fun. Living free and safe. I do my things. Help my Sister to her work sometimes or in the house. Until one of my brother (my youngest brother) came to my Sister's house and decided to stay, too. Still the same I do my things. But I noticed that I was the only one who helping our Sister. Like the hell is that? Because I am a girl? Because I should be the only one to do the chores? Damn it. But I push myself. I let it go. Still do the same. A year after one of my brother left the house because he wanted to start a family. My Sister got mad because he just graduated and didn't got a job but my brother decision is final because her girlfriend was pregrent. And ny other brother is giving my Sister a hard time because of his addiction to alcohol. Almost everyday he got drunk. Though he have his own family and living in the same roof. He even borrowed money to my Sister so many times (By the way he was the one I mentiobed above that died because of kidney complication.) but because my Sister is such an angel in disguise she always let it pass lent him money. Still fine until I got 18th. My Sister and her husband set a party for me. I am happy with that. So thankful that I could cele8my birthday on my own party. But after that it started to change.

The long I stayed to that house the bigger I got chance to know my Sister and for my opinion based on my experience she is soooooooooo like my Mother. Still thankful because I got in college and experiencing new stuffs. Back then I want to work and earn money while I am studying my Sister didn't allowed me. She make me chose between working or studying of course I chose to study. So my goal is to graduate have diploma and work. College isn't so easy so do life. When I left my Mother's house I seldom go there. I always excuse my class as a reason of not going back there. But day by day I started to miss her. To miss my old me, to miss my old life. How I wish I could bring my Father's life. So my life my family and me can back again to the old times. My Sister is supportive slash not. She supported me in my study but when it comes to activities in school she always mad and irritated. She and my Mother became paranoid for me being in a relationship because of my two sister who got pregnant and abandoned their child to my Mother. So whenever I go in a relationship it's always a secret (if your gonna ask if my past relationships does know about my past with uncle and cousin. The answer is no.) Lets go to my first one. The poser who cheated on me, we got in communication again after a half year. So we're good as friend. He talks sweet again he gave so much time he opened up about this relationship. We're good but I still have feelings for him but I knee isn't right. So I slowly end our conversation and communication without my knowledge he became close to my friend and ever closer to one of them as in closer where they got call sign or endearment to each other. No comment for that but I messaged him thst never ever flirt or let my girl friend falls to him especially he is damn taken abd I believed in his bullahit promised. Then one fine sunny day one of my friend confessed to me that girl friend of mine became MU of my ex (YUP HE IS TAKEN ALREADY AND MY GIRL FRIEND KNEW ABOUT IT. HOW SLUT RIGHT?) Now I got mad totally mad I even cursed him to go to hell both of them. Not because of jealousy but because of betrayal.

A two years passed by and I am 17th. I changed my course. I got new friends. Same school, same environment. But I became more adventurous, fearless and curious about everything. So before my 18th I decided to lose my virginity though not so clean by the way because of uncle and his son but it was a shock to me and an epic one when we (a guy who I met again on social media but this one I met him) decided to do that in hotel but unexpected visitor came too early than usual. So the blood I thought comes from my visit is a blood from my virginity but my boyfriend that time thought it was just a mensuration and I am not a virgin and accused me of being a liar. After that epic situation he started to be cold and avoid my messages. So I decided to end our relationshit. Shit. I was the devasted and overthinking that no one will accept me. That my Mother and Sister is right I am trash, worthless, stupid, nonsense. That they are right I should have die long ago. So I repeat myself again. Lock myself, isolated myself, be an introvert.

So I became cold. And careful to my actions. I became bitter. I became pistanthrophobia. One of my new sets of friend introduced me to someone she knew. He is kind, sweet and loveable like the other guys. But I gave him a chance I doesn't feel the love I felt before but still it work out for 1 year and 2 months I guess? We just broke up because I got tired of his drama like hello my life is full of sucks of drama though I understand him but he never understand me that's why I got tired of him. He wanted to build his own family but he doesn't even know how his family will survive because of property. I wanted him to dream more. I wanted him to achieve his goal before settling down. And so for me I stop getting in a relationship. So I could focus on my study. But oh I'm such a flirt I met this guy on clash of clans. We got along together. And after a few months we're together. He knew about my past. He accepted me for who I was and I am now. He accepted my family's flaw. Until now we're together. We're living together. But before we ended here we were in a long distance relationship for almost 3 years. Fast forward again, I was already working, back then I was a kitchen helper/staff. I used CJ as my nickname like college because I got a lot of same name in school and im work. But I quit after 6 months because of my Mother. She asked me to quit and find another one which more decent and nice one but here finding a job is like finding true love DAMS SO HARD. LIKE, YOU NEED AN EXPERIENCE TO GET A JOB BUT YOU HAVE TO GET A JOB TO GET EXPERIENCE. DAMN THOSE HRDO'S QUALIFICATION STUPIDITY LEVEL. Well thanks to my Sister who helped me to found another job way, way better than before. I am thankful for that super! Such a big help. Super blessed to have a sister like her (though most of the time I'm unappreciated by her and our Mother.)

Ops! Not yet the ending. I wanted you to know why I left. 2019 my Mother died. I am hurt of course though we don't have those mother moments and bonding I still respect and love her. After she died things changes again. The flaw in the house. The way other people talks. It all changed. My Sister's husband who supposedly one of my admiration because of his patience became most hated one. He spread false accusations to me and other siblings without my Sister's knowing of course. In front of my sister she's a goodman saint but behind her back he is the worst. He stab people behind our back. He makes stories like he is the best writer. After all those years that my Sister and "his" sacrifices to make me finished college and got a fine and decent job (Everything my Sister gave me was his, too.) he said behind my back that I'm ungrateful, worlthless, brainless, trash. How do I know? Of course those people he was talking to was people who's good to me. I got tired of those bullshit again. My sister and I had fought because of she had I idea that because of her husband why I itching to leave that house.

But no one can stop me. I decided to live on my own. So those trashtalks can be true now because that's how it really looks like. My boyfriend worried that I will live on my own so he suggested to live with him so we ended together in one roof. No one calls me trashy words. No one hoping me to die. No one wishing me bad.

But to be honest I am grateful and thankful for all those struggle I've encountered I became who I am. I ask God for his graciously love and forgiveness for getting tired for life he lent to me. I ask my parents, their wisdom and understanding why I ended here. And knowing that my sister isn't good at my decisions I hope one day he'll open her eyes and her mind along with her heart to realized the real reasion why I decided to live on my own (by the way I left on the exact birthday of my Mother. First birthday that she isn't here). I'm blessed those I started in a hard time.

Full of loans before starting. Full of problems to my life. Full of what ifs on my mind. Full of sorrow on my heart. But in thr name of God and Jesus with all the good saints up there I know I can make it. I will make it.

PS. I don't mention anyone's name except me for not involving them so I used pronoun. I don't want to be more complicated. I wanted to share this story. For those who felt unloved, betrayed, worthless. It's okay. You are not the only one. Keep it up and open your heart and mind to appreciate God's love and bless and you will found unconditional loving and support.

The End. | April 26, 2020 - 8:17 am