#please don’t worry about me i am very much safe i’m just tired of the inhumanity around me

[markhoffmansleftbazonga]

It appears to be existential dread o’clock

[cutielando]

Hello, I saw that your requests are open so could you please write something about Charles taking care of his girlfriend after getting a knee surgery, I got surgery not too long ago (nothing serious) from playing football and I just feel like he would be such a caring boyfriend.

a/n: thank you so much for sending this in!❤️

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Ever since you could remember, you have always been the adventurous type.

You would rather go exploring than stay in, the thrill of a potential adventure overpowering the need for a relaxing day in with the one you loved.

Which fitted perfectly with Charles’ need for adventuring and going on as many trips around the world as he could.

But there was a slight problem with that. With the adventurous thrill also came the danger.

And you were very prone to injuring yourself. Just like you had done on the last skiing trip you had gone on with Charles, right before the F1 season started up.

Adventuring a little too much on a not so safe skiing slope resulted in your falling and injuring your knee. An injured knee which required surgery.

You had been devastated when you found out you would need surgery. Not only would the recovery be horrendous and strenuous on your body, but it also meant that Charles would go out of his way to take care of you, neglecting his training in order to make sure you were okay.

That was the biggest problem in your eyes. Not the injury itself, not the surgery that you would need to have, but the fact that Charles would move the mountains in order to take care of you.

Which is exactly what happened. 

You had your surgery two weeks after your knee was injured, a mere couple of weeks before the season picked up again. Charles was proving to be a great caretaker, dotting on you and being the sweetest person ever.

He would bring you food, medicine and anything else you would need in bed, he would help you to the bathroom by supporting you. He got in touch with the best physiotherapist that he knew and immediately started your road to recovery.

He would take you to every single therapy session, every doctor’s appointment that followed your surgery to track your progress and your recovery.

He helped you exercise at home, urging you to push yourself in order to get back on your feet as soon as possible.

He would hold you every time you would break down because it would all get too much. The pain, the recovery, the pressure of getting better, the stress on your body. He would hold you through it all, whispering sweet nothings in your ear that would instantly calm you down.

You didn’t like feeling this helpless, like you couldn’t do anything on your own and practically lived at Charles’ pity.

You hated it.

And Charles had begun suspecting as much. He had noticed how closed off you had become over time, but he didn’t want to say anything that might make you feel even worse than you already did.

“Mon amour, what’s wrong?” he asked one evening after you had got back from a particularly strenuous physical therapy session.

You smiled at him, shaking your head as you rested on the edge of the bed.

“Nothing, I’m okay. Just a little tired” you lied smoothly, but it was not enough to convince him.

“Please don’t lie to me. Something’s been bothering you ever since your surgery, don’t think I haven’t noticed” he said, sitting down beside you.

You sighed, biting your lip. You could feel the tears welling up in your eyes, everything that you had been bottling up threatening to boil over.

“I hate how dependent I have become on you” your voice was small, too worried that you could hurt his feelings.

Charles frowned, the wheels in his head turning to understand what you were really trying to say.

“Am I bothering you? Is that it?” he asked, his face sad and broken like a puppy dog’s.

You immediately shook your head, wanting to get up from the bed and comfort him but it would take you way too much time.

“No, don’t ever think that. It’s me that’s bothering you” you said, your frustrations slowly making their way towards the surface.

If Charles had been confused up to that point, he was even more confused now. How could you ever bother him?

“What do you mean? You’re not bothering me, what are you talking about?” he made his way towards you and took a seat next to you on the bed.

You sighed, tears slowly welling up in your eyes as you rested your head in your hands.

“It’s just this stupid surgery. I can’t even get up to go to the bathroom without needing your help. It’s pathetic, I can’t do anything on my own anymore” you cried silently, hiding your face in your hands.

Charles’ shoulders suddenly slumped into realization, his heart heavy. He didn’t say anything, instead he brought you into his arms and pushed your head into the crook of his neck, wary of twisting you too much because of your knee.

You let out strained and tired sobs, clinging onto Charles like your life depended on it. You had missed him, even though he’s been with you the entire time up until then. You had missed his touch, missed him holding you just because you both needed it. Both of you have been so preoccupied with your recovery, with taking your meds, going to physical therapy with Andrea and managing the pain that you forgot to be just Y/N and Charles, a couple.

You stayed in his arms for a while, just needing to let it all out. He understood that, holding you against him without saying anything, just planting kisses on your forehead from time to time.

Once you calmed down, you slowly pulled away from Charles, who wiped away your tears and gave you a small smile.

“Mon amour, I’m only going to say this once. You will never, ever in this life be a bother to me. I don’t care if I have to take care of you every single day for the rest of our lives, I would drop everything in a heartbeat to be with you. Don’t ever doubt how much I love you and the lengths I would go to just to see you happy and taken care of” Charles’ speech did nothing to stop your sobs, in fact they got even worse.

Charles knew it was the pain and frustration talking from you, and that you didn’t actually mean anything you had said to him. However, he didn’t mind one bit reassuring you and telling you anything that you might need in order to feel better.

“I’m sorry” you mumbled out once you started to calm down a little. 

“You have nothing to be sorry for. I get it, I would probably be the same if I were in your place. Just don’t ever doubt how much I love you and how much I enjoy feeling needed when you need me to take care of you” he joked a little at the end, bringing a smile to your face.

“I love you so much” you said, wrapping your arms around his neck and bringing his lips down to yours.

Between salty kisses and whispered nothings, you realized that even through the rough patches, Charles would always be there to get you through everything.

Your caretaker for life.

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[absolutebl]

This Week in BL - Why so much on right now?

Organized, in each category, with ones I'm enjoying most at the top.

NOV 2024 Week 4

Ongoing Series - Thai

Your Sky (Sun iQIYI) ep 1 of 12 - Classic old school Thai BL. Of course I love it. Naïve sunshine freshman vs strict older protective boy (who already likes him but refuses to show it). Is he grumpy or just gay and tired of all of these women? We don’t know. We don’t care. We just want to see them fake a relationship. And that’s what we’re getting. I love it. I also love the friendship group, and that the younger brother is in it and he has some of the same magic BL-hottie superpowers as his older brother. It’s great.

Love Sick 2024 (Sun iQIYI) ep 10 of 15 - Phun actually turns into dangerous babygirl when he is flirting, who knew? (Dangerous Babygirl is a new archetype I have just invented by the way. Yes, I am pleased with myself.) Noh, who is a nice boy, doesn’t stand a chance. Neither does Jeed, since this new babygirl superpower gives Phun a damn near perfect “back off bitch” face.

The arm drape public claiming, it gets me every time. Has done since SOTUS. Nong Mick is hero-level in this version, hands-down my favorite character this time around (and a non-entity last time). I love him so much I can’t stand it. I haven’t updated my 1:1 comparison yet this week, didn’t have time to rewatch 2014, but I will later tonight.  I'm chronicling my experience with 2024 as compared to 2014 here. 

Kidnap (Fri Gaga) ep 12 end - What an absolutely excellent final episode. Smiley kisses! 

Conclusion 

A cute if patently absurd little show about a stuntman who is somehow convinced to kidnap a rich kid except they fall in love. It takes itself a little more seriously than it deserves for such a silly plot and some crappy stunts and contradictory content, but it was a pleasantly romantic experience all around, and I enjoyed myself. Extra credit for Q in that perfect blue color throughout. No complaints, a solid BL. 8/10 

The Heart Killers (Weds Gaga) ep 1 of 12 - Jojo directs FirstKhao & JoongDunk in an action romcom about assassin brothers (Khao & Joong) who meet a tattoo artist (First) and a cocky mechanic (Dunk). I'm highly amused that Joong plays the older brother to Khao and that we have a take on the Taming of the ShrewBL. This has all GMMTV's best chemistry in one BL and some fresh concepts that I've only seen tackled in m/m romance novels (check out Amy Lane's Racing for the Sun, thank me later). My only quibble is Jojo, I like his style but his characters can get unreliably messy so…... this gonna be interesting.

Buckle up buttercups I got thoughts:

Frankly, I haven’t decided if this is good or so bad and so camp that it’s good? The latter I suspect. Either way, I’m enjoying it very much, but I had very little doubt that I would. This falls into so many of my wheelhouses. Not just the premise but the casting and the approach and the script. They pretty much knocked it out of the park with the first episode: one night stand + safe sex + linguistic negotiation = I’m in! During the opening sequence I spent the entire time worried about how many fingerprints Bison was leaving everywhere. And then I realized this show is going to require DEMAND we turn our brains entirely off.

We are in KinnPorshce / The Sign territory people. Take emergency precautions! Do not engage brain meats!

Kiss Me Kate only gay and hitmen? Frankly, it sells itself. The music is extremely stupid though. (Brain, stop it!) I gotta say that FirstKhao are good because…… FirstKhao. But JoongDunk are absolutely perfectly cast. Like: couldn’t be a better pair in these roles. Dunk, in particular, is slaying. I did not have Dunk as Petruchio down on my “best casting choice of all time” BL bingo card, but apparently there he is. Awesome. 

Fourever You (Thurs YT) ep 8 of 16 - I’m warming up to the second couple a little bit. I actually don’t mind a bully romance the way some do. But this isn’t quite hitting the notes that I want from one. Still, I found this week more engaging than last week. 

Secret Love (? YT?) 1-12 of 81 eps - They dropped 12 eps at once randomly on YT totaling about 20 min. So of course, I watched it. Because I have no self-control and STEPBROTHERS! Adopted into a rich family, boy falls in love with heir. But when he is made the heir instead, everything goes wrong. Now enemies the two boys reunite and sparks! I hate this format but dammit I love this utter dross. It’s very early Chinese BL feeling but from Thailand. I don’t care. It’s so stupidly great. This is my kind of BL.

Caged Again (Fri Gaga) ep 3 of 10 - There is something sweetly innocent and earnest about this show. It reminds me of Takara and Amagi or even Light On Me but less stiff - this one is quintessentially quirky and casually Thai about it. It’s interesting that this has an 18+ rating, which means it’s either gonna go very violent or sexy or both. Right now I can’t imagine that, it doesn’t suit. But I’m looking forward to seeing where this goes. Junior with his Mean Girl crop top moment is the goddess of the week though. Fierce queen penguin.

Perfect 10 Liners (Sun YT?) ep 4 of 24 - I love the side couple so damn much. How are they so adorable? Still not wild about the mains, and not likely to get there anytime soon. That said, I did like seeing the “sleeping in your boyfriend‘s class while he gives you his jacket” trope drop. We haven’t had that one for a really long time. My Engineer maybe?

Every You Every Me (Mon Gaga) ep 7 of 8 - I did find this installment kind of boring. I just don’t like actors as main characters. Much as I’m enjoying this show and I think the actors are doing a good job, I really do wish it was more like what we had been sold on: Connected reborn characters fated to be together over and over again. Not this weird little mishmash of whatever. I’m now annoyed by a format I was initially charmed by. 

Jack & Joker (Mon IQIYI) ep 10-11 of 12 - still on hold until it ends or I can cope with the pain.  I just can’t go into darkness right now.

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

Our Youth AKA Miseinen: Mijukuna Oretachi wa Bukiyo ni Shinkochu (Japan Tues Gaga) ep 3 of 11 - SNIFF TEST! But done by Japan so it’s that much better and more kinky. The way H looks at M pretty much defines naked lust. “I got extra beat up so you’d take pity on me and then I admitted it to you” is so damn warped I can’t even with this boy. This feral kid is gonna drive me feral. The power and the control and the execution of this show is just spectacular. I keep thinking about it after its done and telling people IRL about it. (I rarely talk BL IRL.) It’s classy. I do love it when Japan does classy BL for us. 

See Your Love (Taiwan Weds Gaga) ep 6 of 13 - so completely and utterly adorable. The learning sign language thing! I loved it so much.

Love is Like a Poison AKA Doku Koi: Doku mo Sugireba Koi to Naru (Japan Tues Netflix?) 10 of 12 eps - Possibly one of the best confessions of the year I have to say. Also a wonderful character growth arc for our lawyer. Exactly as one might hope. The plot twist was slightly predictable but still adds a delicious note of tension to our final episodes.

Blue Canvas of Youthful Days (China Sun iQIYI) eps 7-8 of 12 - You don’t want me but you won’t let anybody else have me either. The song of the repressed seme. I did like the irrational jealousy moment and a few other bits, of course the crying kiss. You know I love a crying kiss. Even if it’s a somewhat censored one. But this is also leaning a little bit darker than I want at the moment. This being China, I anticipate the darkness and doom getting worse not better.

Teenager Judge (Vietnam Sat YT) ep 9 of ? - The incredible migrating lip injury continues. Could we please get on with the BL aspect of this show? I’m getting frustrated as well as slightly bored at this juncture. Pacing darlings. Pacing.

Love in the Air: Koi no Yokan (Japan Sat Gaga) ep 4 of 10 - Still not sure. I think I like this better than the original, but I’m confused. I did make disgusted scoff noises and say “oh dear” a couple of times. Which makes me sound like a World War II grandpa (only the housemate's cat noticed), but is also classic me when profoundly disappointed by a piece of media. That’s said, the sex scene was pretty good. In the end, I wasn’t as frustrated by this version of these characters, but they didn’t have as many highs or lows as the original. So first half probably works out about the same in my all-purpose rating system. The true proof in the pudding is going to be couple number 2 tho......

It's airing but......

Winter Is Not The Death of Summer (Weds YT) ?? eps - Criminals who meet in prison fall in love. I did find it on YouTube, but I did not find any English subs for it. The first episode seems to be only six minutes long. It is very pulp. But it is intriguing. So I hope it gets some sort of international or something at some point. for now I’ll put it to the wayside.

Bad Guy My Boss (Thai Sun Gaga) 10 eps - I DNF'd at ep 7, I couldn't make it. I am weak. Life is hard enough right now, this show is making it harder. It’s not what I want from my entertainment.

Bad to Bed (Taiwan Sat YT) 10 eps - This is a little too low production value even for me + just very very odd. DNF

In Case You Missed it

Love for Loves Sake got some kind of special on 11/9. Not sure what, why, or where. Only the rumor that it...... is. I'll believe it when I see it...... literally. Let me know if you found it.

The Bangkok Podcast covered Marriage Equality in Thailand: More Complex Than it Seems. They missed some of the point and all of the queer perspective. But it's a local lawyer talking about it and how it was implemented, which is quite interesting.

Dominant Yakuza and Wimpy Corporate Slave AKA Ore-sama Yakuza to Hetare Shachiku: Kuni wo Koeta Jingi Naki Dekiai, Japan YT. A 30 min slice of ridiculousness. This mini walked out the back of one of my 1999 yaoi (you know those little shorts they always had along with the main story?) and randomly got cut together by some helpful malcontent, tumbled into my YT feed like a Taiwanese prat fall, and I couldn't be happier.

This is the Cliff's notes of a story that could have been amazing, but I adored it anyway. Basically what it says on the tin: office cutie from Taiwan working in Japan runs across hot AF mafia hit man beating up lesser thugs. Falls instantly in love, turns out so does the yakuza. They end up together for...... reasons? (one is cute and the other is cool?) That's it. It's dumb and I loved it. 7/10 because it really isn't good, but it lives on in a very warped corner of my shriveled old heart.

Next Week Looks Like This:

Still to come:

11/28 Spare Me Your Mercy (Thai Thurs iQIYI) 8 eps on OneD (no word on inter) - Increased rates of deaths in terminal patients has a police captain investigating the palliative care doctor with whom he's fallen in love. Their relationship deepens but the mystery persists, driven by mistrust. Adapted from the novel "Euthanasia" by Sammon (Triage, Manner of Death) stars some old guard BL actors: Tor Thanapob from Hormones as the doctor and (fuck me YES) Jaylerr from Great Men Academy and goddamn Grean Fictions as the captain!

Upcoming BLs for 2024 are listed here. This list is not kept updated, so please leave a comment if you know something new or RP with additions.

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS

We stan a smitten seme who's too reserved for his own good. Sunshine is gonna have this boy wrapped around his little finger in no time. (Well in 12 eps, but we know what we like!) Your Sky

King behavior.

Dangerous Babygirl behavior.

Both Love Sick 2024.

(last week)

The tag BLigade: @doorajar @solitaryandwandering @my-rose-tinted-glasses @babymbbatinygirl @babymbbatinygirl @isisanna-blog @mmastertheone @pickletrip @aliceisathome @urikawa-miyuki @tokillamonger @sunflower-positiiivity @rocketturtle4 @blglplus @anythinggoesintheshire @everlightly @renafire @mestizashinrin @bl-bam-beyond @small-dark-and-delicious @saezurumurmurs

[halsteadlover]

𝐒𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞

*Gif and pic not mine credits to the owner*

• Pairing: Spencer Reid x Female!Reader.

• Requested: no.

• Summary: your life is amazing. You have everything you wished for, a caring and beautiful husband, a satisfying job, an amazing house. What if in a matter of seconds, your incredible fairy tale is about to take a tragic twist?

• Warnings: angst, mention of car crash, blood, wounds, curse words, death.

• Word count: 7580.

• A/N: Please don’t kill me. Y’ALL BETTER EAT THIS FIC UP BECAUSE I PUT MY BLOOD AND SWEAT AND TEARS (always pretty please). I hope you’ll like this piece I know I was heartbroken writing it. Drop a like, a comment and reblog if you want, it’d be amazing and so helpful. I apologize for any mistake or grammar error. Thank you so much as always for your support, looking forward for your opinion. ❤️

“Baby!”.

“Y/n!”.

“You hear me? Please answer me”.

“Please hold on, everything will be okay I promise. Please… Don't leave me.”

What was going on?

Why did you feel so weak?

Where was Spencer?

Your breathing was heavy, cold shivers ran through your body but despite this you couldn't move a single muscle even if you could feel your body waving to an unknown motion, like you were floating.

Am I moving?

You felt your eyelids fighting not to stay closed even if you tried with every fiber of your body to fight against that tiredness that wanted so badly to suck you into the darkness.

You were so afraid.

You managed to slightly open your eyes, only for a fraction of a second, and all you saw was a blinding white light that forced you to close your eyes right after. It was so strong you couldn't open them again.

What it was?

Was it heaven?

Were you dead?

“Please baby hold on, if you hear me please fight, I know you’re so strong. I’m begging you… Stay with me…”

Spencer?

Yes, there was no doubt that it was him even if his voice carried in the distance, each word fading further and further. You wanted so badly to answer him, to shout you were okay, that you could hear him, that you were there with him.

But were you really okay?

No, I’m not.

And the more you fought against the darkness, the more it sucked you into its heavy vortex.

You fought, you really tried, but you didn't have the strength. You were too weak, too tired.

You just wanted to rest for a bit.

God please let me okay.

You eventually gave up, stopped fighting and let yourself be lulled by that darkness.

It was so peaceful.

There wasn’t any more pain. Any suffering.

Maybe it wasn’t so bad.

Five hours earlier

“I really don't feel like going to work this morning,” your husband kept complaining. You were both still in your bedroom, you were sitting while Spencer was lying next to you, his arm around your hips and his head on your lap.

“Hotch will kill you if you take a day off without warning,” you giggled, running your fingers through his fluffy hair. “I also wish you could stay here love, I feel so lonely here without you. But unfortunately you can’t.”

Spencer huffed, holding you even tighter. “I know I'm so sorry baby, I hate leaving you alone. I'm always so worried.”

“Oh yeah I know, the three thousand texts you send me always asking me if I'm okay prove it.” You teased him and even though you couldn't see him you knew full well he rolled his eyes.

“Ah, ah, keep making fun of me,” he retorted. “Is it really weird I want to keep you safe?”.

“No baby, I was joking. You know very well I love you're so protective of me and besides, I’m okay, you don’t have to worry about me.”

He kept caressing your side, leaving a kiss on it at the level of your scar, a gesture that made your heart melt. He looked up at you and smiled before propping himself up on his elbows, resting his free hand on your face and pressing his lips on yours. A flock of butterflies exploded in your stomach.

It didn't matter how long you two were together, you felt the same butterflies, the same feeling as in the early days, he still managed to make your heart skip a beat with just a kiss.

God I love this man so much.

“What will I do without you?” Spencer pouted, already missing you before he even got out of bed and got dressed. “I just hope we won’t have any case.”

Spencer had left for work, but not before recommending you to call and text him if you needed anything. You reassured him, telling him not to worry, that everything would be fine and of course you wouldn't hesitate to call him.

You settled on the couch and spent the morning watching episodes of your favorite TV show which, although you loved it, was getting tiresome.

Three weeks earlier you had been injured on duty while chasing a serial killer who had shot you as he tried to escape.

You were fine but Spencer, being his overprotective self, refused to let you do anything that involved physical effort and prevented you in any way from returning back to work before the five weeks of rest recommended by the doctor. And it didn't help that Hotch agreed with him.

Spencer did nothing but text you all morning when he could, asking how you were as if you were in a hospital bed. You reassured him, sending him selfies of you lying on the couch, asking him how things were going at the unit.

You loved Spencer so much, you loved the way he always protected you, the way he was so thoughtful of you, the way he always put you first in any moment and situation.

The morning was rather boring so you decided to keep yourself busy with cooking something for lunch, that you wanted to bring to Spencer too since you missed him and didn't want to wait until the evening to see him again. But you also wanted to see the rest of the team again. You hated to say it, but you missed those assholes.

As you packed your and Spencer's lunch, your phone vibrated on the table.

From: Spence 💍, 12.47 AM Is it weird I miss you so terribly? I'll never get used to not seeing you here.

You smiled like an idiot, knowing how much Spencer wasn't a fan of technology but despite this being committed to use it since you couldn't live without it.

To: Spence 💍, 12:50 AM Have I ever told you I’m so madly in love with you Doctor Reid? I miss you so much more xx

You placed your phone on the table and continued putting away your lunch. When you finished, you grabbed some clean cutlery and paper napkins and then looked at your phone, noticing he didn’t answer your text yet.

You left the house after making sure you locked the door, you went to your car, pulling your phone out of your purse to send an audio message to Spencer.

“Baby don’t eat anything because I'm coming with your favorite food. It's a little burnt I have to admit, but in my defense I was distracted watching TV,” you let out a small laugh. “If you know what's best for you, you'll better say it's delicious or you'll sleep on the couch tonight. I love you so much, see you soon!”.

You got into your car and placed the two lunch boxes on the passenger seat. While driving, you were careful not to brake suddenly to avoid all the food spilling into your car.

You stopped at a red light and you took you phone to see if Spencer had texted you back but he didn’t.

The light turned green after almost thirty seconds and you placed your phone in your purse again before starting to drive again. You were at an intersection and you just drove few meters before your saw out of the corner of your eye a car speeding towards you.

You turned your head towards it and tried to brake but you weren't very fast.

Everything happened quickly.

A sudden, deafening thud made your ears ring and time seemed to stop for an instant.

You didn't have time to react, to even let out a scream or do anything else before that car hit you full force on the side.

If someone had asked you to describe what had happened in that moment, you wouldn’t have been able to do it because you didn’t even know what had happened in the first place, having lost consciousness before you could realize you had just been involved in a car crash.

Spencer was unaware in the meantime his whole life was about to undergo something he’d never, ever want to face, something he continually lived in fear of happening.

He and the rest of the team were in the meeting room, investigating on a case of a serial killer that the police in a nearby town had asked for help with. It was a simple case, so it wasn't even necessary for the whole team to go there.

“Reid focus.” Hotch had warned him several times when during the morning he caught him on his cell phone, the small smile shadowed his lips making it obvious who he was talking to. So he had put his cell phone in his pocket although his mind always went towards you.

He wondered what you were doing although knowing you, you were probably watching some TV show and the thought of you lying on the sofa, curled up under the blanket made him smile, earning you a small pat on the back of the head from Morgan.

“Focus pretty boy, I know you miss your beautiful wife but we have a case to solve.”

This had started a series of jokes and teasing towards Reid who in response would gave everyone the middle finger.

The truth was that he missed you deeply, he missed looking up and seeing you sitting at your desk filling out some case report with your pen between your lips and the wedding ring shining on your finger, he missed flirting with you in a not-so-subtle way and being made fun of by the whole team, even Hotch. He missed traveling from city to city and working with you to catch ruthless killers, he missed seeing you sitting in your chair around the meeting room table.

He couldn't wait for those two more weeks to pass, although the worry you still hadn't fully recovered didn't leave his mind.

His phone suddenly started ringing and he muttered an 'excuse me' before taking it out of his pocket and reading your name on the screen.

He moved away from the others so he could answer the call.

“Hi baby! What...-” He started but stopped immediately after when a voice that didn't belong to you interrupted him, making the smile he had on his lips instantly disappear.

“Do you happen to know Y/n Y/Ln? We found this number among the emergency contacts.”

Spencer frowned, his heart already eating wildly and anxiety twisting his guts. “Y-yes. She’s my wife… What's going on? Who am I talking to? Where’s she? Is she okay?”.

“I'm sorry to inform you that your wife was involved in a car accident, she’s in serious conditions…”

Spencer froze in place, the man's words echoing in his head while he couldn't process them.

What the fuck?

“C-can you repeat that?” He stammered, hoping it was just a misunderstanding, that the man had gotten the wrong person. “There must be a mistake m-my wife… She’s… She’s at home…”

“I’m very sorry sir…”

Spencer Reid, who had always been a quiet, calm and collected person, completely lost his mind.

After getting the address of the car crash site he ran at lightning speed out of the unit, ignoring the voices of Derek and the rest of the team who called him worriedly.

His mind wasn't focused on anyone else but you and as he sped through the streets he couldn't help but think about what the hell had happened.

You were supposed to be home, on the couch watching TV. Why did you went out? Why didn't you text him?

His stomach clenched with anxiety, an emotion he wasn't familiar with but since he'd met you he often seemed to feel because of the constant and devastating fear something bad might happen to you.

He wasn't good with feelings, everyone knew it, but thanks to you he had learned to give voice to what he felt, he had learned to embrace those sensations and emotions he struggled to show from an early age and that for so long he wanted to suppress.

A lump kept pressing on his throat, almost suffocating him. He continued to murmur and hope you were okay but when he arrived at the scene his heart almost stopped again.

The car crash scene was a disaster.

Various passers-by had gathered in shock from a distance to watch curiously as the fire fighters and paramedics worked on those piles of scrap metal that were the cars.

They were completely destroyed and no one believed the two drivers had made it given the catastrophic impact.

Various emotions had passed through Reid, emotions that he could group into one word: dying. That’s how he felt, dying.

He pushed through the crowd of people, pushing them aside and ignoring those who complained in response. After identifying himself with the cops he ran towards the wreckage where the rescuers and firefighters had just pulled you out of the destroyed car.

“Let me go! That's my wife right there!” He continued to exclaim loudly while two cops struggled to restrain him. His gaze was fixed on you, on your unconscious body while the rescuers carried you on the stretcher.

“Sir you need to let the paramedics do their job! I know it's a horrible situation but this will only hinder them!”.

Spencer was a guy who didn't like conflicts but at that precise moment he was willing to kill those cops with his bare hands.

He snorted loudly, pulling out his badge. “I'm an FBI agent and if you don't let me go to my wife right now I will make your life a living hell and have your badges on my desk before tomorrow.”

It only happened very few times he’d threatened someone, and most of them were to extort information or to make a killer to confess, but the way his wild and desperate eyes were glaring at the two cops, made them understand he wasn't bluffing at all.

They eventually let him pass and he ran towards you.

You lay unconscious on the stretcher, your body covered in your own blood. You had an oxygen mask on your face, a collar around your neck to stabilize it and Spencer had to rely on all the strength he had in his body not to collapse there in front of everyone.

He couldn't believe it, he couldn't believe it was true.

He grabbed your hand with his, the diamond of your ring pressing against his palm. He tried to swallow the lump in his throat, not wanting to let his emotions overwhelm him. He couldn't be weak, not now, not when you needed him.

“Baby!”.

He called your name, desperation clear in his voice. His eyes scanned your face, always beautiful as the sun even if dotted with scratches and bruises.

“Y/n!”.

He called your name again, with even more urgency and desperation, hoping that hearing his voice would wake you up.

“You hear me? Please answer me.”

“Sir we have to go to the hospital immediately. We have no time to waste.” The paramedic's voice brought him back to reality and Spencer nodded, never taking his eyes off you.

“Please hold on, everything will be okay I promise. Please… Don’t leave me,” he whispered to you before turning to the paramedics. “I’m coming with you.”

The journey to the hospital was the longest and most painful ride Reid had ever made in his entire life.

He never let go of your hand, occasionally kissing your knuckles as he carefully watched every little movement the paramedics made.

At a certain point his heart rekindled with hope when he saw your eyelids move and open slightly.

“Y/n baby! Can you hear me? Y/n!” He exclaimed but his hope faded when he saw your eyelids close a second later and you lose consciousness again.

“Please baby hold on, if you hear me please fight,” His eyes filled with tears but he tried to fight them back, this wasn’t the time to cry. “I know you’re so strong, I’m begging you… Stay with me… I'm here, I'm here, and I’m not leaving you. Everything will be fine, you’ll be okay.”

You had a cardiac arrest on the way to the hospital but they managed to revive you and needless to say, this freaked out Spencer even more than he already was.

You died in front of him.

For a few moments your heart had stopped beating and the terror Spencer felt was a sensation he had never felt before. Maybe only when something happened to you during the job. He had always told you that you’d give him a heart attack sooner or later.

When the ambulance arrived at the hospital, Spencer barely had time to say anything before the doctors rushed you to the OR, leaving him helpless.

He passed his hands on his face, then fingers in his hair as he tried to figure out what the fuck was going on.

He had heard the police say the driver that hit you had lost control of his car after feeling dizzy, failing to stop at the red light and hitting you while you had just started driving again after the green light.

You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

It had all been a stupid twist of fate and now you had to fight to live.

Spencer didn't believe in fate, he didn't believe there was some superior being or entity, he believed in science, in empirical data, in theories proven by hypotheses and theses, but then why did this happen? Why was the love of his life fighting between life and death?

Why did it seem like someone or something wanted to snatch his happiness away when he was finally happy?

He walked back and forth across the floor of the waiting room for what seemed an infinite amount of time, almost digging a ditch in the wake of his footsteps.

He had called Hotch, told him about the car crash and that you were in surgery and he reassured him the whole team would be there in no time.

It wasn't until after you ended the call with Hotch that Spencer saw your last messages, including the audio text you'd sent him.

His fingers were shaking and he sat down, fearing his knees would give out sooner or later.

His eyes filled with tears again as they read the message and the chasm inside his heart opened even more. But it was when he listened to your audio message the air was completely sucked out of his lungs and it became difficult to continue breathing.

“Baby don’t eat anything because I'm coming with your favorite food. It's a little burnt I have to admit, but in my defense I was distracted watching TV,” He heard you giggle while in the background he heard the car door open and close shortly after, a sign that you had just gotten into the car. “If you know what's best for you, you'll better say it's delicious or you'll sleep on the couch tonight. I love you so much, see you soon!”.

Your audio cut out and Spencer only realized he was crying when tears fell from his eyes onto his phone screen.

He was completely devastated.

It was his fault.

You went out because you were going to bring him food.

He couldn't process what was happening, he couldn't conceive it.

How did you go from hugging in bed that morning to you in the OR? For what kind of fucked up reason did this happen to you? Among the many people who could’ve been at that damned intersection, why did it have to be you?

Spencer knew it wasn't right to hope it happened to someone else but he didn’t care, fuck, he wished it’d happened to himself.

For the first time in his whole life Spencer prayed.

He prayed with every fiber of his being to whoever was up there to make you survive, he prayed to be able to see you again, hug you, kiss you again. He prayed to hear your laugh again, your awful jokes, to see your smile and your eyes shining when you saw him, he prayed to be able to sleep with you again, to wake up in the morning and smell the scent of your skin and hair, of feeling your fingers run through his messy hair while you were watching a movie and he had his head resting on your lap.

He prayed to still have time with you. He prayed to start a family with you even though the thought of it terrified him because he had no idea how to be a parent, but at the same time knowing there was no other person he’d want to do it if not you. He begged to tease you when the first wrinkles would appear on your beautiful face but to console you at the same time saying you were still the most beautiful and breathtaking woman he had ever met in his life.

He prayed to see your hair turn white, to see your children have kids of their own, he prayed to hold your hand until the end of your days.

He couldn't imagine a place on the planet where you didn't exist, where you weren't with him.

You two just got married, you had just started your life together, it couldn't all just vanish like that, in the blink of an eye, it just couldn't end.

You were strong. This was one of the many qualities Spencer admired about you, you were much stronger than you wanted to show and if there was anyone who could overcome that obstacle it was you.

The rest of the BAU had arrived after about fifteen minutes, both with worried and heartbroken expressions on their faces except Penelope, who was crying almost as many tears as she had.

“Reid!”.

JJ's voice made Spencer snap his head up from his phone, not realizing he had been mesmerized by looking at the picture he had as his background. It was a photo of you he took during a picnic during one of your first dates after you got together, Spencer had told a horrible joke and you had burst out laughing.

Spencer was so hypnotized by you, by the sound of your laugh, by your smile, by the small wrinkles at the corners of your eyes that he couldn't resist taking a photo and since then it had become his wallpaper and one of his favorite photos of you ever.

Everyone could notice the swelling of Spencer's eyes, evidence of the crying.

“Come here pretty boy.”

Morgan was the first to approach Spencer, pulling him in a brotherly hug, squeezing him with all the strength he had in his body, as if wanting to convey to him some of that strength he knew he tremendously needed.

“She's gonna make it okay? We know Y/n, that woman is a force of nature. She’ll make it.” He whispered in his ear, trying to hold back his emotions.

Everyone tried to appear as strong as possible but the truth was they too felt a boulder pressing on their stomach. Before being Spencer's wife, his partner, you were a colleague, a friend to all of them.

Nobody said anything else.

There were no need for words, everyone knew it’d be of no use.

They all tried to comfort each other, Emily was holding Garcia's hand the entire time, JJ and Morgan were sitting next to Spencer while Hotch and Rossi were standing not far from the others, all silently praying for you wellbeing.

Reid's body was sitting in the waiting room, surrounded by his friends and colleagues, yet his mind was completely elsewhere. His thoughts ran and ran, without stopping, so fast he didn't know which ones to listen to first.

Spencer and the team spent hours sitting in the waiting room, waiting for some doctor to come and update them on your health. He hoped the longer they took it meant there was a better chance of you getting through the surgery.

When he saw a doctor approaching where they were sitting, it was as if a vision manifested in front of him. His heart was beating wildly, so loudly he thought everyone around him could hear it while anxiety twisted his stomach so much he feared he’d throw up on the doctor's feet.

“Are you Y/n Y/Ln's family?” the doctor asked.

“I'm her husband. How is she? Please tell me she's okay. When can I see her?” Spencer blathered once he jumped up and approached doctor - he read the card - Miller.

He looked skeptically at the rest of the team, and then Spencer spoke. “It’s okay, we’re all colleagues, a family. How is Y/n? She made it right?”.

Spencer observed the micro-expressions on Dr. Miller's face. He noticed how his eyebrows furrowed slightly, how his chest rose slightly and fell, how his lips pressed together, how his neck stiffened and his posture tensed.

He knew that expression, unfortunately he knew it too well because of the job he did. It was the same expression with which he looked at the victims’ families when he was about to give them the worst and most devastating news of their lives.

Spencer saw that but decided to ignore it, he decided not to listen to his guts.

“The patient suffered much more serious damage than we imagined…”

“And what are you doing here? Go help her!” Spencer exclaimed, abruptly interrupting the doctor.

“Due to the violent trauma and along with broken bones, the ruptured spleen, the liver damage as well as the amount of blood she lost, she had also suffered a dissection of the ascending aorta.”

Spencer's heart stopped.

“W-what? What does that mean doctor?” It was Penelope who asked.

“It’s the tearing of the aorta’s wall, the largest vessel in our body. It has weakened due to the trauma and it’s no longer able to pump blood towards the other blood vessels and consequently the entire body can’t receive enough blood. Trying to repair it’s practically impossible, as her heart has already stopped once, she’s too weak to face a surgery, and the dissection further aggravates the situation. She would die on the OR table before we can even get to the aorta,” Dr. Miller explained, trying to be as clear as possible.

“Dissection of the ascending aorta is unfortunately one of the most serious vascular conditions and… There is no easy way to say it, we have done everything we can but she does't have much time left. It's a matter of hours…”

A deafening silence fell in the waiting room.

Almost everyone put their hands to their mouths to try to cover the gasps and sobs, Hotch stared at his shoes while shaking his head in disbelief. No one could believe what they had just heard.

Spencer couldn't hear a word Dr. Miller said. His brain refused to process them, because it couldn't be true, there must have been some misunderstanding.

Maybe he had confused patient, maybe he had talked to the wrong family.

“No, no, no!” Spencer exclaimed loudly. Morgan put a hand on his shoulder but he shook it violently. “Don’t touch me!” Then he went on to point a finger at Dr. Miller.

“Say it again.”

“Sir…”

“Reid…” Rossi whispered.

“Say it again!” He shouted, his voice shaking. “Say it! Because there is no way on earth I just heard my wife is fucking dying! Say it again!”.

Spencer's voice cracked at the end and he burst into tears, bending to the ground as he felt his legs gave out.

Dr. Miller looked at Spencer with sadness while he was in the throes of disbelief and despair. Nobody dared to say anything, they too had to process that mourning, but they all knew that Spencer needed time more than anyone.

How do you react calmly when someone tells you that your partner, the love of your life, is about to die?

And it wasn't just any person, someone he just met, but you. You were dying.

Doctor Miller knelt in front of Spencer, placing a hand on his shoulder as he continued to cry all the tears he had in his body. “I'm so sorry, if there had been anything, anything we could’ve done to save her we would’ve done please trust me. I can't even imagine what you're going through right now but she's in the ICU now and she's awake, we gave her morphine so she doesn't feel any pain. Go and say goodbye to her, okay?”.

The world was collapsing on him, everything was disintegrating around him and he couldn't do anything to stop it.

How the fuck did this happen? How the fuck was that possible?

He couldn't believe it, he couldn't process what was happening.

It shouldn't have happened, not to you, you didn't deserve it.

He was terrified, more than he had ever been in his entire life, not even when he had been kidnapped and tortured by a ruthless killer.

Images after images of moments with you continued to flood his mind while a sense of anguish gripped his stomach, so strong he couldn't stop crying.

He cried.

Everyone cried with him in that waiting room, hugging each other.

All his dreams had been shattered, they had all vanished in the blink of an eye, flown away like a grain of sand in the sea.

Where did his ‘forever’ go?

His forever was in the ICU and was about to die. The only person he had ever loved, the only person who had ever understood him without trying to fix him, the only person who had ever made him happy, who had made him understand the meaning of the word love, who had made him believe that even if he came from a dysfunctional family that didn't mean the same fate would happen to him, the only person for whom he lived, breathed, for whom he committed himself every single day to fight his demons and ghosts was about to walk away forever.

How do you survive something like that?

What would he have done without you?

Spencer couldn't live without you.

He couldn't even imagine waking up in the morning and not finding you. He couldn't imagine coming home at night and knowing you’d be dead. He couldn’t imagine going in the kitchen and not smelling your food. He couldn’t imagine watch a romantic movie and not seeing you cry your eyes out.

No, no, no, fuck, that couldn't be true.

One by one they all came to you to say goodbye but no one spoke to each other. Spencer didn’t have the strength to walk into that room, he hoped till the last minute it was just a nightmare and he’d soon wake up.

There was only desperation and so many, many tears. Even Hotchner, always so serious and impeccable, couldn't stop the tears when he left your room, moving away from the others so as not to be seen.

The last one was him.

When it was Spencer's turn he was terrified.

His fingers trembled as they were about to open the door. He didn't have the courage to enter that room, look you in the eyes, say goodbye to his love.

With what strength would he have hugged you knowing it would be the last time? How would he be able to say goodbye? How would he be able to tell you he loved you knowing it was the last time? How could he let you go?

Every step he took was heavy, leaving a piece of his tormented soul behind each one.

Seeing you was like a punch in the stomach, like every time his eyes rested on you but that time what he felt wasn't happiness but only sadness, desperation, anguish and helplessness.

Oh my everlasting love. You didn't deserve all of this.

You lay in bed, a nasal cannula supplying you with oxygen, electrodes connecting your body to monitors that marked a low blood pressure and a below-normal heart rate.

He swallowed the lump in his throat, trying to rely on what little strength he had to not collapse to the floor and burst into desperate tears again. But the shine of his eyes, their swelling and redness showed how intensely he had cried in the last few hours.

You looked at him and he felt breathless.

How will I live without those eyes?

“Hi baby.”

His voice trembled, smiling slightly as he moved closer to you. He couldn't conceive the idea that the last time he had seen you was that same morning and you were fine, while at that moment you were on a hospital bed dying.

He pulled up a chair and sat next to you. He took one of your hands in his, intertwining your fingers and leaving a kiss on the back of it. All it took was for your skin to come in contact with his for him to burst into inconsolable and suffocating tears again.

He wrapped his arms around your hips, his head resting on your abdomen as you stroked his hair. It was a projection from that same morning but the difference was that this time would be the last.

He would no longer hug you, he would no longer be lulled by the warmth of your arms, feel your fingers run through his messy and tangled hair.

Silence reigned in the room, interrupted only by Spencer's sobs as he continued to cry desperately. He held you like he had never done before, as if in that way he hoped you would stay.

“It's okay…” you barely whispered, weakened and groggy from the morphine.

You felt… Apathetic.

You couldn't describe the emotions you felt at that moment, ever since the doctor told you didn’t have much time you felt anesthetized.

It was as if you were seeing everything from an external perspective, as if it wasn't really you lying on the bed, as if it wasn't you who was going to die in a few hours.

Not a tear had rolled down yours, not even when the rest of your team had come to say their final goodbyes.

You didn't want to feel like this, you didn't want to be apathetic, so numb. You wanted to feel anger, pain, helplessness, anguish, anxiety, anything, you wanted to cry, scream, but the more you tried, the more you couldn't.

“Don’t leave me please…” Spencer's sobs interrupted him. He continued to cling to you, to hold onto you as if his life depended on it.

“Baby, look at me.” Your voice was hoarse, thick with sleep and tiredness.

“No, no, no, I know what you want to tell me… No…” He held you even tighter than before. “You can't leave me…”

He turned his head towards you, his vision completely blurred with tears, his face wet. He brought his hands to your face, caressed your cheeks, your hair and tried as much as possible to imprint every detail of your skin in his memory.

“You're so beautiful baby,” he whispered, “It's not fair…”

“I know,” you whispered back weakly, “I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. But it's so unpredictable, isn't it?”.

“No, life sucks.”

You placed a hand on his still on your face, closing your eyes for a moment and enjoying the feeling of warmth that only he could give you.

“I know everything seems bad right now, I know you'll think this long after I'm gone but it's not like that love, life doesn't suck. It’s the most beautiful gift we could ever have...” you murmured with no small effort, your breathing heavy and difficult.

He shook his head. “Bullshit. You are my life, baby...” He cried. “I can't live without you. I can't... I can't go home and not find you there, I can't sleep without you next to me, I can't go to work and look up and not find you sitting there at your desk… I can’t…”

“Of course you can you’re the strongest person I know baby, even if you don't recognize it. You’ll be happy again...” You placed a hand on his cheek, drying with your fingers his tears that never stopped coming out. “Promise me one thing.”

“No, no, no, I can't, don't do this to me please… Don't make me promise something I can't keep baby…”

“Spencer, please. I can't leave knowing you won't be happy, please, I need to know you’ll at least try... Promise me...”

A solitary tear rolled down your face, even though you didn't even realize it at the time.

He shook his head, looking down as he continued to cry. He sat down on the bed next to you, pulling you into a hug you tried to return with the little strength you had left.

He left a long kiss on your head, inhaling deeply that beautiful scent he’d never be able to smell again in his life. He rested his cheek on you, letting your hair tickle his skin.

“I can't… I can't…” he repeated, feeling the air disappear more and more from his lungs. “You’re the first person who made me understand what it means to be happy baby… I don’t how to do it without you… D-don't… You can't ask me… I’m begging you…”

You slightly pulled away from him, cupping your hands on his face and smiling slightly through the tears you hadn't even realized you were shedding.

You were crying.

“I wouldn't ask you if I knew you couldn't Spence. I know it’ll be hard but life is beautiful baby, so damn beautiful and deserves to be lived to the full. Plus, I'm not really leaving okay? My body may no longer be here but my soul will always be with you, I’ll always be here when you need me, I will never leave you.” You spoke softly, your breathing heavy with each word. You placed a hand at his heart level which was beating wildly at that moment.

He shook his head again, still crying as desperation enveloped him more and more. “But I-I want you here…”

“Shh, listen to me love, please…” You stopped due to a cough. Spencer rushed to get you a glass of water from the bedside table, helping you drink and stroking your back in the meantime. “Thanks baby.”

Despite the morphine you still felt a weight on your chest, your lungs couldn't expand and everything hurt.

But it wasn't physical pain.

It was your soul that was hurting.

“Listen to me…” You started speaking feebly again, looking Spencer in his eyes, losing yourself in those two beautiful wells. “I need to know you’ll move on baby, that you’ll find someone you’ll love again and who will love you so deeply like I did, with whom you’ll build a beautiful family, with whom you’ll have children, a beautiful house and a dog if you want. This doesn’t mean you’ll forget about me, I’ll always be by your side at every step you take, I promise you, I’ll watch over you and if you need anything you just have to talk to me... Maybe not in front of other people or they’ll think you’re crazy.”

He chuckled through his tears and your heart skipped a beat. “That’s it. That’s the beautiful smile I always want to see, God you make me so happy.”

“There will be no one after you baby.”

“Spence please…-”

“No, no, you can't ask me that,” he murmured, his tone of voice so melancholy and sorrowful it made your gut wrench. “When I married you I never thought for a second there could be an ‘after you’, never, even though I knew the risks we both ran because of our jobs. There will never be anyone after you Y/n, there will never be anyone who can ever make me happy like you do, there will never be anyone I will ever love as much as I love you. It… It wouldn't be right...” He let out a deep sigh “It wouldn't be right for her, for... For the children because I wouldn't love them as much as I love you, because I would look at them and only think I could’ve had all that with you and I don't want that…”

He stroked your hair, looking at you with so much love it made your heart melt.

You didn’t want your time to end. You wanted to be with him, forever.

“Spencer… I-I'm terrified…” You managed to murmur before bursting into desperate, heartbreaking tears. Spencer hugged you while you sobbed into his sweater.

“I know… I know…”

Terrified didn't even come close to describing how you felt at that moment.

I'm dying.

Soon I won't be here anymore.

You couldn't conceive it, realize it, you couldn't accept it. But then again, how could you? Who would ever accept a death sentence?

You weren't ready.

You didn't want to leave Spencer, God, you had so many dreams to achieve together and it wasn't fucking right, it wasn't.

You just wanted to bring lunch and eat with your beloved husband, spend some time with him, why did this have to happen to you? What did you do wrong? You hadn't died from a bullet three weeks earlier but you were about to die for wanting to see your husband.

Why didn't you just stay home? If you had done it you would’ve been fine, you would’ve just had to wait for Spencer to come home that evening so you could hug him again. If you had done it you would’ve slept in the same bed, together that night, perhaps after making love, the next morning you would’ve woken up with his scent and his warmth, you would’ve had breakfast together.

You both cried until you couldn't breathe, holding on to each other as if you were both each other's lifelines.

You felt weak, every moment that passed breathing was like a punch in the stomach even though the oxygen flow had been turned up to maximum.

Hours passed and every minute that passed the fear paralyzed you more and more.

Spencer stayed next to you the entire time, hugging you and tightly holding your hand. You’d think he had shed all the tears he had in his body but instead he had never stopped, he continued to cling to you, to hold you in the hope that a miracle would happen.

He didn't believe in miracles, he thought there was a reason for everything, but in that moment he prayed for one to happen with every fiber of his being.

Your eyelids felt heavy and you struggled to keep your eyes open.

You were tired, so fucking tired, just wanting to rest for a bit but knowing if you definitely close your eyes you wouldn’t be able to open them again.

“Do you think heaven exists?” You whispered in a small, thin voice. Spencer kissed your forehead, continuing to stroke your hair as his salty tears kept running down his cheeks.

“Of course it exists, all the angels are just waiting for you. I'm pretty sure you’ll be the most beautiful angel of all, dressed in white and with the light surrounding you.”

You giggled, only to be interrupted by yet another cough. You were so grateful to have Spencer, that even though he didn't believe in an afterlife, in heaven, in angels, still tried to make you feel better.

“I'm so tired baby…” you murmured, closing your eyes for a few seconds before opening them again.

He held you tighter, feeling more tears streak down his face. “I know my love, but you can rest, I’ll always be here I promise, I’ll never leave you.”

“Spencer, you are the greatest and most beautiful love I have ever had in life, you made me the happiest I've ever been and I want to thank you for everything, for everything you have done for me, for teaching me the truth meaning of love…” You took a deep breath. “I will love you forever, I hope you know that, in this world and wherever else I’ll go. I know we’ll meet again, even if not in this life, we’ll meet in next one.”

He shook his head in despair as he continued to sob and cry. He wasn't ready to say goodbye, he wasn't ready to let you go, but who he was kidding, he never would be.

“I love you so much my darling, I will always love you until my last breath.”

He kissed your forehead softly again, pressing his lips to your skin longer than expected as he tried to make the most of those last moments with you.

“You’re the best and most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me. I love you, always and forever,” he kept whispered, hugging you. But you couldn't hug him back.

You had closed your eyes and fallen asleep, in the arms of the person you loved most in the world where you always wished your last moments would be.

The room was filled with sounds from the monitor connected to your heart, which had started to slow down.

Your heartbeat had slowed.

More and more.

Until it stopped and all that was left was a flat line.

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[bangchansgirlsblog]

Broken Headsets PT 2

-Chan

Warning: A lot of Angst.

Pairing: BangChan x reader.

Summary: where he snaps at you while working.

!Not proofread!

**

“Baby I’m so sorry, please open up the door.” Chan’s voice echoes through the door and into the bathroom.

My knees against my chest as I was calming down from a panic attack. The sleeves on my sweater now dump from all the tears it was sucking up.

“G-go away” I cry louder. My body shaking and my salty tears freely running down my hot face.

“I don’t…I don’t want to talk to you right now!”

“Babe I’m sorry okay? I didn’t mean to snap like that. Just let me talk to you. Let me hold you. I’m worried. Your going to have another panic attack”

“BangChan leave me alone. I don’t want to talk to you.” I throw whatever was in my reach at the wooden door. Making him jump on the other side of the door. Now HE couldn’t hold back his tears. He wanted to be able to sort it out because he genuinely didn’t mean to snap Or cause anyone pain.

“Okay I’ll give you some time my love, please don’t be angry with me. I’m sorry.” His voice now low and quiet. I had no response because I was so angry and so hurt by him.

I wasn’t being dramatic right?

The sound of his footsteps disappear down the hall making me quickly but softly wipe my tears away and get up to wash my face. The cold water making my body shiver. I stare at myself. Hair up in a bun, eyes red and eye bags deep from all the lack of sleep. A fucking mess.

The front door slamming was what made me jump getting me out of the trance I was in. Had he left? I pick up the container that was on the ground due to the fact I threw it and open the bathroom door.

I find Berry sat in-front of it as if waiting for me. I give her a soft smile and pick her up.

Walking through the house looking for any sign of Chan but there was none.

I glance at the clock and it read 12:45. Anger rises up my chest once again because how dare he leave the house at this hour knowing how much anxiety I have when his out late? Such a selfish bastard!

Get home.

I send him a text and switch off my phone to look around. A mess the house was.

“Shall we clean up Berry?” I look at the dog in my hands who didn’t even seem to be bothered by anything. “I swear I talk to you more than I talk to Chan” a chuckle leaves my lips when she starts licking my face.

“Now come on let’s get started.” I place her down and pick up things and put them away. My body needing the distraction but my mind and thoughts running at a speed of lightning.

Emotions running through “my mind and soul”. Cringe lol.

2:30 am.

The sound of the clock ticking was starting to irritate me and craw under my skin.

Worry slowly crawling up my chest. Where was he? Was he safe? Was he okay? Where could he be?

I hated myself for putting my self through this because after the little stunt he pulled causing me to sit in the bathroom crying my heart out for 2 hours begging for someone to come save me. I was still sat in our living at 2:30 am waiting and wondering where he had gone too.

Did he leave me? Surely he hadn’t cause all his stuff was still here.

My feet slowly taps the floor, something I do when I’m nervous. I tag on my sweater which is now stretched out due to the constant pulling. The material laying between my fingers feeling very satisfying.

“Why do you have to do this to me Chan?” I say softly, talking to myself.

The house was quiet once again like I’m used too.

The lights were off except for his studio room led lights that were on and passing through the glass window.

Berry was now sat on my lap cuddling me because I knew she sensed the stress my body was going through. She always just knew and she always tried to cuddle of just play around whenever Chan or I where going through something.

A sigh leaves my lips. I was tired. I needed sleep but I needed to know if he was safe.

I check my phone to see if he had responded but nothing came through and when I was about to set down the phone it stars to buzz making me jolt up. Han’s name pops up with a picture of me and him when we were at an adventure park in Japan.

I quickly pick up the phone hoping that somehow Chan was with him and they were doing some project.

“Hello?” My voice rough but still soft from all the crying.

“Hey baby.” He says softly from the other end of the phone.

“Hey..”

“Are you doing okay?” He asks, I could hear the nervous tone in his voice.

“Mhm” a hum in response.

“Channie Hyung is with us in the dorms okay? He showed up here really upset so we told him to just stay over until everything is calm,”

I feel my heart break into pieces. Was he really that upset that he didn’t want to stay in the same home as me? He knew how I hated when he didn’t sleep at home.

“Oh, okay that’s alright. Thank you for letting me know,” I tell him. A weigh being lifted off my shoulder because now that I knew he was safe I could sleep or so I thought.

After hanging up the phone. I slowly put Berry aside and cleanup the cold plate that’s till say on the table and decide to finish up the dishes.

The scent of soap filling my nostrils and a warm liquid running down my face. Tears.

Who would have thought that I would be here at the age of 25 doing dishes at 2 am while crying.

My vision was blurry and my legs were weak. My heart beating fast as I could hear it in my ears.

My face was hot and my body trembled from the heart aching sobs that left it.

I couldn’t be under this much stress.

It wasn’t good for the baby.

**

Pt 1 ⬇️

[rosesandashs-blog]

Pride(lost in limbo)/Reader !

As you followed Pride on his heels, you couldn’t help but notice the slump in his shoulders and the way his face seemed to avoid yours. It had been quiet the whole walk and it was beginning to make you antsy.

You didn’t mind the silence, especially when it came to peace with Pride who seemed to always have something on his mind or something to do, but this felt different.

The only way to find out the root of the issue was to ask.

“Pride, darling?”

You spoke it softly in the wind, a sound that could be carried away, but Pride was much too attentive for that to happen. His steps slowed to a stop and he turned to you. He had told you previously he found it rude to not look at someone while speaking.

“Yes, my dear?”

His gaze used to be much more intimidating but now, throughout everything you’ve experienced, you can understand when exhaustion is there. What looks like age-old wisdom is little more than the tiredness of someone stretched too thin.

“Let’s take a break. My legs hurt.”

It was your way of extending an olive branch to him. If you had suggested he may be the tired one, there definitely would be too much fuss. Too much of a gentleman to “ruin” your time together. For an age old god who was the father of all, he could be quite silly.

His eyes slid over your face and you didn’t flinch at his inspection. He hummed and sat down, gesturing for you to sit near him, which you did.

“I’m alright. You don’t have to worry over me.”

“I never suggested otherwise,” you hummed thoughtfully as your hand outstretched to his head, pushing him to lean against your shoulder. To your utter surprise (and soon delight), he followed easily and without protest, “it’s just nice to slow down for a minute.”

“Yes, I…well, it is nice.”

Your fingers were already carding through his hair, sinking easily into the silky feeling. You had once said you were surprised his hair never seemed to knot and he had asked you ‘what are knots?’

Based on the twinkle in his eye, you assumed it was a joke. Or maybe that’s what he wanted you to think.

As his shoulders slumped into a less formal stature and his body leaned into your own, submitting to the idea that he could be loved and safe in his own right, that is indeed when you pounced.

“Now, are you willing to be honest with me?”

“I… am alright. I was deep in thought and I didn’t wish to disturb you with anything frivolous,” he mumbled.

“Nothing you tell me is frivolous.”

“You’ll laugh at me, the old worry I am.”

“Please. Try me.”

Pride had this issue where he clamped up occasionally, either due to the separation that came from your age or your obvious mortality. Something. It was always an obstacle.

“I was simply thinking about how I didn’t want to return. That I could just walk with you, down an endless path, and I knew it was very selfish. I don’t want you to think I don’t care about others—“

“Hm, stop right there sir. It’s not selfish to crave a break from time to time, no?”

“It is for someone like me,” he said but not in a harsh tone. More like a carefully gift-wrapped neutrality.

“Well, I selfishly want you all to myself very often. Alone and trapped with me.”

“I would never view being with you as a trap. It’s a gift to be with you. It’s a gift to be loved by you,” Pride said in a serious tone that made your face feel warmer. It was amazing how he could just say things with no lilt in his voice nor a crack.

He just loved you.

“Well, we can stay here for a bit. My legs still hurt. Hm, my shoulders too. Actually, just about everything.”

You said in a fake thoughtful tone, side eyeing the man whose head rested on your shoulder and the way he contained a chuckle at your antics.

“I don’t see anything wrong with sitting for a few minutes. To stem the soreness, of course.”

You kissed the top of his forehead and smiled at how the affection seemed to shake him slightly.

“Of course.”

// aaaa I’m so excited for lost in limbo demo to become real and true please support them on kickstarter!!

[aplaceinthedark]

chapter three: ONE TASTE of the LIFE

Summary: The Appalachian Mountains hide numerous monsters, and it's up to Taylor and the Bad Omens to prevent them from causing any harm.

Word Count: 2,945

CW: Supernatural themes, Star Wars spoilers, Hand Jobs (male receiving)

A/N: I am so sorry this took so long. For the past several months, I've been dealing with job issues and major burnout depression. Whereas that's still hanging around, I think I might be in a better place to write more. If you're still hanging on despite my hiatus, thank you very muchness.

This is RPF, and thus will contain real people, but names and events will be changed. If this bothers you too much, then please leave this temple without causing harm.

Divider by: @saradika-graphics

“Taylor? Are you listening to a word I said?”

I jumped, nearly knocking my water bottle over. “N-No. I’m sorry. What were you saying?” I asked sheepishly.

Rachel smiled sympathetically. “Still worried about the break-in?” she asked. I nodded, as I had told everyone that that was the reason why I was so jumpy.

I liked Rachel. Despite being almost twenty years older than me, she was sort of my only friend outside the circle of misfits and monsters I had embedded myself in. She also didn’t live in New Hope, thankfully. She was a transfer from a bigger town, since our library desperately needed one after one of our librarians “mysteriously disappeared” last August.

Said librarian’s assistant had also “mysteriously vanished” as well, leaving a job wide open for me to fill. I didn’t mind it, being Rachel’s assistant. I might have to do grunt work a lot of the time, but at least she helped instead of just dumping it all on me.

“Anyways, as I was saying, I’m pretty sure no one has gone through the donation bin this decade, if you want to make a dent in it.”

Sitting on my ass while I sort for the next two hours? “Don’t threaten me with a good time,” I said, earning a chuckle from her as I stood up and left the front desk.

There were several boxes. She wasn’t kidding. This was going to take longer than I thought. Setting my phone off to the side, I pressed play on one of my safe-for-work playlists and started humming along to some Chappell Roan.

It had been a few days since the incident with the pale creature that had come onto my porch. There had been no repeat occurrences at our place, but someone had said something about seeing a sick-looking coyote at the edge of their yard. I hadn’t mentioned that to Nick, since I wasn’t even sure that it was the same thing that I had seen. 

And Nick was… I couldn’t burden him with any more problems. Between his time at the new tattoo place, townspeople coming to him for remedies to their ailments, and not being able to sleep very well, he was exhausted. I had woken up to him passed out on his couch this morning, Lydia loafing on his back. If I could make him sleep for an entire day, I would do it in a heartbeat.

I pulled the next box towards me and dug through the dusty contents. I was sure now that most of these donations were just from older ladies dumping the contents of their attics off on us just to free up some space. Several of these books so far were the same cookbook in different states of decay. 

I was just about to ask Rachel for a mask since I was tired of sneezing out dust when my hand pulled out a book that was different from all the others. A quick flip through revealed it was a journal. Either their handwriting was terrible or it was written in a different language, because I couldn’t make heads or tails of what it was saying. But some of the drawings in it intrigued me, so I set it in the Keep Pile, with the intention to ask Rachel what to do with it. If someone donated it without knowing, they might want it back.

By the end of my shift, my back and lungs didn’t appreciate what work I had gotten done. “Being in your thirties must be rough,” Rachel laughed as I tried popping my back several times. “Maybe you could get that cute boyfriend of yours to help you out later tonight.”

I felt a brief flush rise to the surface of my skin as I thought about Nick’s skilled fingers. “Quit it,” I mumbled, earning a cackle from her that would normally get someone in a library in trouble.

“What’s that?” she asked, pointing to the journal in my hands.

“Oh, I found it in one of the boxes. It looks like somebody might’ve accidentally put it in the donation box. Should we ask if they want it back?” I said.

Rachel shook her head. “Sorry buttercup,” she said, using her nickname for me. “Those were anonymous, and who knows how long ago it was donated. There’s no way we’d be able to trace it back to its owner. Unless it has historic value, we’re supposed to throw it out.”

Something in my face must’ve changed her mind. “Well, if you don’t want to, I could conveniently look the other way when you leave,” she said. 

I was about to say that no, that it was fine, that I didn’t need another written book in my house when Nick was still combing through Granny’s hex books, but the words caught in my throat and I thanked her instead. Maybe if I could find its owner, that would be one good deed I’d done for this town, since they were still wary of me several months after I had moved in.

The library closed at seven, but I didn’t get to go to my car until half an hour later. Late April still meant that it was dark out when I left work, but the building was in the middle of New Hope, the forest a ways off. I dashed to my car through the rain, the water from the puddles splashing up as my feet crashed down in them. 

My fingers were wrapped around the car’s door handle when  a cold rush of air blew through my denim jacket, and the hair on the back of my neck stood up. I froze as the door automatically unlocked, the sound as loud as a gunshot despite the sound of the rain. Something in the reflection of the car window caught my eye.

Someone was behind me.

I slowly turned around, trying not to startle it. Meanwhile, my mind was racing in confusion and fear. Nothing came out of the woods. The town was safe.

The boys couldn’t help me if something were to happen to me out here.

So what was the shadowy figure doing in the middle of a parking lot?

It didn’t move as I stared at it. It was almost formless; I could just make out the thin, vaguely humanoid shape of it. Even if I wanted to say something, my throat had closed shut. The chill of the night increased, the wind picking up and sending some bits of trash skittering across the asphalt. But it didn’t disturb the shadow. 

I opened my mouth to say… something? Shout at it to scare it away? But another voice startled me into screaming. I whipped around. 

“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, Taylor!” Rachel swore, hand on her heart. She was standing a few feet away under her umbrella. “What’re you still doing here? Are you okay?”

“Uhh… yeah. Just thought I saw something,” I said. I turned back around.

Other than us, the parking lot was empty.

The smell of food coming through a cracked window greeted me as I stepped onto the front porch. My knees felt weak at the thought of Nick cooking after the heart attack I had had. I took a moment to compose myself, exhaling as I turned the doorknob and stepped into our home.

It was indeed Nick cooking, as he stood in front of the stove. His long black hair was tied up in a bun, and he was wearing his thick-rimmed glasses. “Hiya,” he said, not even turning around. 

I dropped my backpack onto one of the chairs at the kitchen table, immediately walking over and hugging him from behind. “Woah, hey. Everything alright?” He asked. His hand moved down to cover both of mine.

I should tell him; I need to tell him. Instead, I nodded into the space between his shoulders. Even though a part of me knew that the creepiness of the town's legends were true, I still couldn't believe that something would come out of the woods and into the safeness of the streets.

So what I said instead was, “I missed you,” into his shirt. 

“Missed you more,” he said in return, despite seeing each other this morning. 

“What are you making?” I asked, peering over his shoulder. 

“Just some hamburger pasta. Thought it would be good for an easy night, since it's just the two of us until later tonight.”

“Really? Not even Folio?” I asked. 

Without looking up, Nick pointed over at the kitchen calendar with the spoon in his free hand. A little black circle was drawn on today's date and the next two days. The New Moons meant that Folio was stuck in his Grim form until the first sliver of the moon shined. Kind of like a werewolf but opposite. 

“It'll be done in a few. Go get comfortable and I'll put on a movie,” he said, his own way of shooing me out of the kitchen. As I parted with him, I saw that he hadn't done the same with Lydia, who was watching from the floor with her hungry eyes. 

As I changed into some lounge pants and an old sweater of Nick's, I tried to think of a way to bring up the encounter with the shadow person. There was no way that he wouldn't get upset about it, that was a fact. Maybe after we ate.

When I came back out into the front room, Nick had helped himself to making my plate and putting it on the coffee table. I sat down next to him, I pulled my plate onto my lap. He had pulled up Rise of Skywalker for us to watch.

“So who’s coming later?” I asked as he started the movie.

“Noah,” Nick mumbled. There was an undercurrent of something in his voice, so I guess Noah had transferred something to his mind that annoyed him. 

“That's fine,” I said, squeezing his thigh. 

After eating, I curled up into Nick, and he wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “We should dress up as Kylo and Rey for Halloween again,” he said.

“Your hair’s getting too long for you to be Kylo,” I said, poking the side of his head.

“Yeah, because Rey is totally a blonde.”

“It was last minute!”

We kept up the light commentary for most of the film. I was fine up until the part when Rey sacrificed herself to kill the Emperor. As Ben Solo sacrificed himself to resurrect her, I threaded my fingers through his. A moment passed, and then Nick squeezed my hand. 

When the credits rolled, I tried to get up to take our dishes back to the kitchen sink. Nick pulled me back down. “And where do you think you’re going?” he asked, pulling me onto his lap. He wrapped his arms around me.

“Was gonna do the dishes, since you made dinner,” I said.

He pulled my head gently to rest on his shoulder. “Just stay here. With me,” he said, quietly. He would do this if he thought I was about to have one of my moments. 

He started playing with my hair, making my eyes flutter shut. “Okay,” I said. 

He kissed my forehead, but as he was pulling away, I reached up to cup his face and direct him further down. His lips brushed mine before pressing down once, soft and tender, but then he tried pulling away again. “Are you su–”

“Nick,” I pleaded, his name coming out in a rush. If he had any resolve before, it came crumbling down within milliseconds.

He was still a bit hesitant, flicking his tongue against my lips. But I wasn’t made of glass, so I pushed his chest until his back was pressed onto the couch cushions. I crawled up him until I was straddling his hips, my knees pressing into the sides of his waist. The kiss never broke.

It didn’t take long for him to harden beneath me, and I couldn’t help the small, satisfactory grin that rose to my lips. I ran my hand down his chest, down his stomach to the waistband of his shorts. When I finally parted with Nick, his hand shot up to curl around the back of my head. “Bun–”

“Can I touch you?” I asked.

“Oh, fuck yes. Please,” he pleaded.

I lifted myself a little bit, just enough to give me some room to slip my hand underneath the waistband of his boxer-briefs. The angle might’ve been a little bit awkward, but it didn’t really matter when I wrapped my fingers around the considerable size of him.

“Fuck,” he groaned, throwing his head back against the pillows. The movement caused him to bare the pretty tan skin over his throat, and I practically descended upon it. The minute I mouthed over his pulse point, his hips rolled up, rutting into my hand. On the upstroke I rubbed my thumb over the tip, and he made my favorite sound of–

Click.

We both froze, my hand down his pants. I quickly raised my head and our eyes locked on each other at the sound of the door unlocking. As the front door opened, I quickly rose up to stand on my knees. Noah stopped dead in his tracks, confusion written on his face. 

“Am I interrupting something?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said immediately, Nick echoing my words from below me.

Noah’s eyes roamed over me for a second, and his face hardened. “Please, continue. I don’t want to interrupt you guys making out in–”

Nick sat up, crawling out from underneath me. If he stood up, Noah could easily see that we were doing more than making out. “When we agreed on later, I mean late.” 

“It’s after eleven. I think that’s late enough,” Noah said, striding across the kitchen to the fridge, where he took out a beer. 

As Nick straightened himself, I caught the look on his face that said he was communicating with Noah through the bond that he had with everyone. Was there something agreed upon that didn’t require me knowing about? 

My thought was all but confirmed when Nick put his hand on my waist. “You wanna go to bed, Bun?” he asked, looking up at me with big green eyes. In this lighting, they were dark as the evergreens outside.

“No, I’m not tired,” I said. I fixed him with a look that said that I wasn’t going to be kept in the dark. Again.

He sighed. “Hang on, I gotta get the hex book,” he said, standing up. He then walked to the spare bedroom.

I looked over at Noah, who was leaning back against the fridge. He perked an eyebrow. “How was work?” he asked before taking a sip of his beer.

I narrowed my eyes at him. “I was gonna tell him.”

“But you got distracted, didn’t you?”

“Fuck off, Bambi.”

“Oh, I’m about to do worse than that.”

I tilted my head. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

Nick came back with a small, leatherbound notebook. He tossed it onto the kitchen table, as if it personally offended him. “We’ve been doing this all wrong,” he said. He practically collapsed into one of the chairs. 

“Doing what wrong? What is ‘this’?” I asked.

“There’s a reason why the Valley has been getting worse these past few years. More things showing up, resurfacing, growing bolder enough to where people can catch glimpses of them. Pale Things showing up shouldn’t be a surprise, really.” He was babbling, practically. But then he took in a deep breath and closed his eyes.

“Those sacrifices weren’t just for Vessels. They were also to keep the Woods from getting worse.”

Noah’s lips thinned. “I told you, I’m not killing any more innocent people.”

“Yeah, I know, and I think I found a way around that, but…” Nick trailed off. He then silently opened the hex book and flipped to a page he had marked. He then held it out towards me.

“Why me?” I asked.

“I’ve already seen it,” Noah said. 

I took the book and glanced at the pages. It wasn’t in any readable context: Granny wrote in some kind of “language” that had been passed down through her family as to keep their practice a secret from others. Nick had been slowly translating them over the past few months into his own notebooks.

“What is this?��� I finally asked. 

“It's a… Fertility Ritual.” Nick swallowed thickly. “My ancestors would send someone into the forest so the Forest would be… sated.”

“A sacrifice. Like what happened with you guys.” I waved a hand over Noah. 

“No! Well… sort of,” Nick said. He bit his lip. 

“That was more the Black Stag's version. Though it wanted sacrifices so it could take a mortal form.” Noah folded his arms over his chest. “This is a… less bloody version.”

I skimmed over the page again, and it finally clicked. “When you say ‘fertility’, you mean… Noah's got to knock someone up?”

“No!” The two shouted at the same time. “God, fuck no,” Nick sighed. “But the baby making process is the main part.”

“He has to have sex with someone?” I asked incredulously. 

“Not just someone…” Nick lowered his voice to a mumble. “Someone with a… someone of the opposite sex.”

“Well how the fuck is he gonna do that?” I asked. “Everyone around here will recognize him, and then you got the antlers to deal with.”

The two were quiet suddenly. Nick put his head in his hands. “Bun…”

“What?”

“He's talking about you,” Noah put bluntly.

tysm for reading! If you enjoyed this, please reblog to share the word of the Revered Father. Next chapter coming soon.

Featured Creatures

@ladyveronikawrites @lilhobgobbler @deathblacksmoke @cookiesupplier @thatchickwiththecamera

@roley-poley-foley @hedonists @philomenie @shilohrosechicken @comforting-madness @sitkowski

@screamsinsilver @darksigns-exe @nojoyontheburn @baddestomens

[ka0ila]

|Pass Out

pairing - lee minho x fem!reader

summary- you pass out after over exerting yourself

warning - angst;fluff, slight-eating disorder

You were working on the same choreography for about 3 hours now. You just couldn't get it right. You were physically exhausted and decided to rest. The moment you sat down, Minho entered the practice room. "Are you able to do it? it's been three hours" You nodded while trying to catch your breath, "the start and ending yes, but i just can't exerpertise the middle part. i'm trying." you said out of breath. He nodded, he looked a bit.. disappointed? you shrugged it off. "after 5 min, i'll watch you do it." he said in a stern tone which sent shivers down your spine. You hesitantly nodded. After 5 minutes, you got up. For some reason, you felt really nervous. Ah, it's just Minho, He'll help me out. You began and You could sense him staring at You. You were a bit scared of him scolding you, you were already tired and didn't feel like getting scolded.

“do that step again” he commanded sternly.

you nodded catching your breath. honestly, you were really embarrassed, it was Minho after all he wouldn’t judge you but.. He was just so perfect. you couldn’t seem to get that one specific step right, you were frustrated, so was he.

“why can’t you just do it right (y/n)” he said a little annoyed. Now, you were really frustrated because you just couldn’t seem to get it right and didn’t need anyone to tell you that aswell,

“im fucking trying Minho” you snapped. “Are you? if you did you would’ve got it right” and that made you teary. you were really trying. He just scoffed. You were about to leave the room but you suddenly started loosing conscious, everything started blacking out, you couldn’t see anything. oh, fuck.

baby?

I woke up in the hospital. I felt someone sleeping on my hand, it was Minho. Oh, i passed out. He started to wake up, for some reason, i just closed my eyes. i was embarrassed to be weak and pass out after not working hard enough and not being able to learn a fucking dance step. he looked at my face and huffed, and started caressing my forehead, i melted.

it was so comforting i felt like crying,

it made me feel safe, really safe.

he then kissed my forehead whispering a sorry, but it wasn’t his fault?

i heard him leave the room and Hyunjin walked in.

He sat beside me looking at me with sad eyes, am i alright? i only passed out right?

did they find out something?

i squirmed a little and began to open my eyes,

“(y/n)?” hyunjin called out my name as he hugged me. i gave him a soft smile as i saw him loosen up and relax a little. Minho walked in.

“i’m sorry Minho, i passed out and i couldn’t even lea-” he cut me off by hugging me tightly and attached his lips to mine.

“i was so.. so fucking worried about you”

“i only passed out what happened?” i asked them confused. they sighed looking at each other.

“have you been skipping meals?”

“i-” i failed to respond and tears started rolling down my face. i didn’t want things to be like this, i didnt want them to know, its only a phase i wouldve gotten over it.

“no” i lied. “youre in no position to lie to us” Seungmin scoled me. “i’m sorry” and for some reason i started sobbing. they all comforted me, i felt bad, everyone was tired but i gave them one more reason to be tired of.

“you know i love you right?”

“im sorry i shouldn’t have pushed you so much” minho apologised nuzzling into my neck cuddling me.

“it’s not your fault don’t blame yourself for it, i shouldve taken better care of myself, please dont ever stop yourself from pushing me forward or scolding me” i assured him.

“are you sure?”

“very.”

“i love you.”

“i love you more than you could ever imagine.”

━━━━━━ ◦ ✤ ◦ ━━━━━━

━━━━━━ ◦ ✤ ◦ ━━━━━━

im sorry this one’s kinda short :>

tell me if you like it!

i like writing angst so you’ll be getting alot more angst hehe, my exams are in 2 days im really stressed i don’t have it all covered, but anyways.

Stream S-Class!!!

[idontplaytrack]

Before it settles

Janis ‘Imi’ike x fem! reader

Warnings: descriptions of miscarriage, hospital settings, mentions of medical procedures

Sometimes…stuff just has to hit the fan before it settles. Other parts to the series here.

“Just rest okay?” Janis said, softly caressing your lower back while the two of you walked up the front porch. She fiddles with the keys in her free hand, holding the one that unlocked the front door. “Are you still dizzy?”

You nodded, swallowing thickly when you feel a wave of nausea wash over you. Her grip around you tightens, so that you wouldn’t fall. Luckily, that sickening feeling died down as quickly as it came on. “Let me know if you need the Tylenol y—”

Janis squints, hearing some sort of commotion on the other side of the door as she grabbed the door handle. She was hesitant. Was it safe for you?

“Wait here.” Janis presses a kiss to your cheek and lets go of you, quickly entering and closing the door behind herself. You didn’t even have the time to object. Though, you were so, so tired. And honestly quite irritable due to cramping post embryo transfer.

You say down on a chair next to you, too out of it to care.

“Will you just wake the fuck up and leave? She does not want you here, she doesn’t need you either! Not when you’ve tried to fake your way through her life making her think that you’ve changed. That you actually care about her. You don’t. I do. I care, I protect, I love her. All you’ve done so far was wreck her progress!”

God, were you tired. You could fall asleep right here, but you would very much rather be in your bed. You leaned forward, head in your hands while the argument on the other side of the door continued.

“I am still her mother!”

“That’s the last thing you are. Blood ties don’t mean shit when all you’ve done is try to make her feel small and worthless her whole life! She doesn’t deserve that!”

You heard a slap. You heard a resounding slap. And you could only hope it wasn’t Janis getting hurt.

You got up on your feet immediately and went inside the house. Janis freaked. “I’m tired.” You walked right by her, all while June was basically on a rampage. Carl and Grace too were keeping a close eye on you naturally. But you didn’t even care, being way too used to your mother’s antics. “Beg and cry all you want, you should never let me see you again.”

“Go to hell. And your baby too.”

“Go fuck yourself. I didn’t deserve how you’ve treated me.” You spat. “How dare you lay a hand on my wife?”

“y/n…” Grace hinted, “Room now. Go nap, please.”

You shook your head, “You think you’re better than me? Just because you’re my mother? You’ve done anything but be a mother. Regina might as well have raised me while you were god knows where. You broke me. She picked me back up, she helped me. You…you need to go. You need to leave and never come back. I do not want to see you ever again. Don’t regret what you just told me.”

You took Janis with you into your room and locked the door. You stood before her, holding her face in your hands, heart clenching at the redness on her cheek. “Are you okay?”

“Been through worse, honey. I’m okay.” She promised, “Don’t worry about this too much. Lay down, I know you’re sleepy.”

“I wanna change into something else.” You licked your dry lips, sighing.

“Okay.” Janis nodded, eyes welling up with tears, “Do you want me to pick for you?”

You caught that. And she tried to hide it, but you could tell anyway. Then came a silent exchange of the clothing while you mumbled a thank-you. You changed into her t-shirt and your favourite sleep shorts then crawled under the covers. Janis laid down next to you soon enough, and you wrapped your arms around her. “I’m sorry.” You whispered, pressing a kiss to her lips as you breathed unsteadily.

She shook her head, “No. It’s not you, baby. This is her fault. I’ll always do my best to protect you.”

“I— I didn’t protect you.” You exhale, laboured.

“I’m okay. I just— didn’t see the day going this way.” Janis admitted, “It was supposed to be a happy day. A relief that we’re maybe closer to our dreams. A quiet day for ourselves to just rest. For you to rest. But she just showed up like that. Of course I had to do something.”

You snuggled closer to her, eyes fluttering shut because she was rubbing your back. “I’m okay, we’re okay. She wouldn’t dare to come back again, I promise you.”

That one sentence from June kept ringing through your head, you were really trying to fall asleep but you wound up bursting into tears. Janis didn’t even question it, she knew exactly why. But she also allowed herself to let go of her tears at this time, it felt less awkward for her to do so right now. She also hated seeing you upset, so that did it for her, really.

Janis stayed with you until you were in deep sleep. Then, she went outside. Carl and Grace immediately checked on her. “I’m fine. It’s just red.” Janis scoffs, “Her own mother putting her through that kind of distress? Fuck man, I hate that woman. Not that any other time would be better for a situation like this but today of all days? What is she? A witch that somehow found out what we were doing today?”

“I would’ve called her worse.” Carl chuckled, “She asleep?”

“Finally, yeah.” Janis sniffed. “I need to go pick up some more Tylenol. She might need it.”

“It’s okay, Janis.” Grace stopped her before she could fully get up from her seat, “I’ll go. You stay here. You’ve already had a long day.”

“Are you sure?” Janis asked, looking at the lady, eyes still teary.

“Of course. I need to grab a few things too, for dinner tonight.” Grace nodded, kissing Janis on top of the head as she walked behind her.

“Thank you.” Janis said back with a small smile, chin now resting on her palm.

“No worries, sweetie. Anything else you wanna get from the store? Snacks? Chocolate?”

“No, aunty. Thank you.” Janis insisted.

“Alright, I’ll be back soon. Your Dad’s gonna be running a little late tonight, but still in time for dinner. A client pushed back their meeting with him.”

Janis nodded, “Okay, yeah. I texted him and he told me too.”

“You know, you can nap too if you want.” Carl chuckled.

“I’m not tired, though.” Janis cracked a smile. “You wanna share some fruit?”

“Sure.” The guy agreed, “Mango?”

“Yum.”

“You two had lunch right?” He squinted.

“We did, we did.” Janis answered, “Had a poke bowl. She ate some musubi.”

“That’s good.” Carl nodded, “How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine, why?”

“I mean about the whole thing with maybe having a kid soon.”

“It’s..daunting. But I’m also excited.” Janis told him, “It’s not a sure thing that it’ll be successful, but I’m already crazy protective. I do not want her to get hurt.”

“That’s a pretty natural thing. She’s your wife. I get it.”

“It’s so crazy to me, like what do you mean she’s my wife now?” Janis chuckles in disbelief. “Sometimes I look at her and who I see…is little her. I know how much she’s been through, so I am always just giving her everything. And she does the same with me. It’s insane…we’ve been together since we were so young.”

“It’s an amazing thing to witness. The love is so deep.”

Hearing a familiar jingle of keys, Janis shot up from her seat. You chuckled. “Hi, Dad!” Janis hugged him as soon as he walked through the door.

“Hey, sweetheart. How was your day?”

“About as good as it gets.” Janis chuckles, “How was yours?”

“Eh, I’m good too. The client meeting gave me a bit of a headache but I’m happy to be home.” Akoni hugged her back, “Hey! How’s my second daughter, huh?”

You laughed, “Hi, Dad.”

“Woah, you look sleepy.” He noticed.

“I’m fine, just a little.” You smiled, he sits down next to Janis at the dining table and dug in immediately.

After dinner, he stopped everyone from leaving the table, “So I have a pretty important piece of news.”

Janis was worried, as were you.

“It’s a good thing. But, I did hear about what happened here today and I talked to my friend who works at that law firm. Restraining orders against June— we need to file that as soon as we can. Especially now with a possible pregnancy in the near future.”

“She didn’t exactly—”

“I asked, what she’s been doing puts you in danger, puts you in fear. So, we’re going tomorrow to file those orders for you and Janis. First thing tomorrow.”

“Okay.” You and Janis agreed instantly.

————

The two week wait was extremely nerve wracking. You were currently on day four and already felt like ripping your hair out. The symptoms were bothering you, and so was the uncertainty. However, the closer you got to the two-week mark, the symptoms amplified. So you were hopeful, but so nervous nonetheless.

“Why am I so dizzy?” You groaned, rolling over in bed.

“Because—”

“I know why, I just—” You sighed, slowly sitting up. “It’s such a long wait.”

“I know, love.” Janis walked up to you, arms wrapped around your frame while your head was smushed up against her. It made you chuckle. “Are you feeling up to it for breakfast?” She asked quietly, pressing a tender kiss to the top of your head.

“Mm, yeah.”

With the symptoms, going to work became a bit of a challenge. But you pushed through because you knew it would be worth it. You knew what you were getting into, you were ready.

What you weren’t ready for, was how much pain you’d be in when something did not go as planned. One morning, Janis had left for work, so did Carl. You had the day off today, so you slept in. But you were startled awake, a disturbing pain dragged across your abdomen. Your eyes shot open as fear quickly coursed through your body. “Oh, my God.” You muttered, barely able to sit up, “Please, no.”

“Oh, my God—” You saw blood, “Aunty!”

You were immediately sent into a state of panic, and shock. You didn’t know what to do and you were entirely overcome with searing pain. She came running, then her expression mirrored yours. Fishing her phone out of her pocket, she calls for an ambulance then tried to keep you calm. But it was useless, you were already a wreck. And honestly just in a daze. The pain got too much to bare and you eventually passed out.

You woke up, cold and alone. To the sound of machines beeping next to you. Once your blurry vision settled down, the pain starts to hit you again. Then it was the realisation. The realisation of what had happened, the realisation of what the pain meant. You pressed the call bell and waited for someone to come in. Whoever came in, was a doctor who broke the news of the miscarriage to you. “Your wife is outside with your father in-law. Would you like either of them to come in and be with you?”

You were practically staring back at the doctor, unsure of what to do next. All you knew was that you shook your head and she carried on talking about your options to manage and get through the process.

“I—” You gulped, “I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

“Take your time.” The doctor nodded, seeming to sympathise deeply. “Do you need more pain medication?”

“I’m cold.” You sniffled. She got closer to you to check your vitals and make sure you didn’t have any signs of an infection. “Your vitals look good, but I’ll go grab you another blanket. Okay? If you need anything, let us know.”

You watched the doctor leave, the door shutting behind her, her talking to Janis and Akoni. Then, before you locked eyes with Janis, you looked away. You looked away, insides filling with shame and guilt and grief. How you wanted her to hold you, but you couldn’t bring yourself to ask for her. The pain and the guilt of not knowing better was eating you alive. Your throat burned from holding in the tears, and you were almost struggling to breathe.

The door creaked and you jumped, “Go away.”

“You know I’m not going to do that, honey.” Janis said back.

“I’m so sorry.” You chewed the inside of your cheek. That was all you could say before the tears spilled.

She walked over to the side of the bed that you were facing and held your face in her hands. “It’s my fault.”

“It’s not your fault, y/n.” Janis brushed the tears away, “It’s not your fault. These things just happen.”

“It’s my body.” You blubbered, “I— what did I do wrong?”

“Nothing.” She gazed right into your eyes, not once breaking eye contact, “You did nothing wrong. Maybe its just not the right time right now. Maybe the universe isn’t on our side this time. But most importantly, you did everything right. You did everything you could. We can’t control something like this. Shit happens, and we always get through it.”

“What if I don’t know how, Janis?” You blinked, “I don’t know how. How I can get that image out of my head, how I can forget the pain— how can I—”

“You’ve got me, you’ve got Dad, and aunty and uncle. Everyone will help you get through it. You are so strong, but you don’t always have to be strong. Let us help you with that. It takes a village, right? We will get our chance, baby. We will, I know it.”

You nodded silently and just let her hold you. “Did she talk to you about— about the options?” You asked.

“She mentioned them, it’s up to you to choose…but I think the surgical option would be best considering pain afterwards and everything.”

You agreed, “I can’t stand seeing the tissue continue to come out of me for like— what? She said— she said 2 weeks?”

“I’ll let them know?”

“Okay.” You muttered.

“I’ll just be a few minutes, okay? Is it alright if Dad comes in to sit with you while I talk to them?”

“Yeah, that’s okay.”

Janis gave you a kiss on the cheek and got her Dad to come in to keep you company. He just sits with you, quietly. He knew you weren’t ready to talk. So he just stayed there with you so you weren’t alone. After giving him an apology, silence lapsed between the both of you once again. He moved his chair closer.

“Grandchild or no grandchild, it doesn’t make a difference to how much I love you.”

“I was supposed to give you—” You hiccuped.

“No, no. You’re not supposed to give me anything. You don’t owe me anything. We’re lucky to have you in our family, you make my daughter happy. You are such a ray of light in our lives. Don’t you ever feel like you aren’t good enough, or that you owe any of us anything. You are a blessing, y/n.”

Janis came in with the doctor awhile later, where she explained the procedure to you and what to expect afterwards. You signed the consent form, but you had to wait for awhile for an operating room to be opened.

“We’ll get you started on an antibiotic to be safe, and another dose of pain meds to help you feel more comfortable while you wait. You’ll be the next one— we’ll come get you once we’re ready for you.”

“Okay.” You answered, defeated, “Thanks.”

“You’ll be okay, y/n. We’ll take good care of you.” The doctor gave you a reassuring smile before she left.

Janis stayed with you, and Akoni as well. But Janis urged him to go home later that evening while she stayed on. “We’re ready for you, dear.” The same doctor— Dr. Marks knocked and entered, right before Akoni left to go home.

You nodded. “I’ll see you soon, okay, sweetheart?” Akoni kissed the top of your head, “You got this.”

You laughed a little, “Good night, Dad. See you soon.”

Like they had told you, the process itself took just under fifteen minutes. But they kept you overnight even though you’d technically be supposed to go home the same day. Why? It was already late, and Marks wanted to make sure you were doing well post-procedure.

“You would be going home after breakfast tomorrow, y/n. The procedure went smoothly and everything looks great. Just rest up for now. I’ll be making rounds in the morning before they let you sign the discharge paperwork.”

————

The physical D&C procedure may be done, but you still had quite a bit to deal with. Including cramping and bleeding for the next two weeks at minimum. The whole situation with the miscarriage took a toll on you as it is, Carl and Grace had to get rid of that mattress too. They never brought it up, but you noticed. You and Janis took their room for a few days, you never asked why but it went without saying. They had to get a new mattress and place it there.

You spent most of your time in the two weeks just lounging around the house, you barely stepped outside. Even if you did, it was to the backyard or the front porch to sit. Work has been the last thind on your mind, but they were made aware once you were discharged. You haven’t been back ever since before it happened, though. They didn’t force you to go back to work either, just took care of you and made sure you didn’t go hungry. Carl and Grace took turns cooking every other night, alternating between your favourite dishes and dishes that they think would be beneficial for your physical healing after the loss.

Akoni knocked on the open bedroom door, waking you up from your shut-eye. “You wanna go for a drive?”

You laid on your back, looking at him while you pondered over his question. You agreed after a few seconds, it would be good to actually get out of the house.

“Sure.” You sat up, “Give me a few minutes to get ready.”

“Absolutely, sweetheart. Take your time.” He nodded in understanding, “I’ll be right outside.”

————

“Here you go.” He hands you a cup of hot tea before he sat down with you on the beach towel.

“Thanks.” You smiled at him gratefully.

He smiled back, “Feels good to get out of the house, doesn’t it?”

“It does, it really does. I just didn’t really feel like it lately with everything going on. Thank you for making me get out of bed. I needed it.”

“I know you’re still feeling down, and your body’s going through a lot. It’s a damn hard thing to deal with and you’re doing amazing. I’m going to tell you something Janis probably doesn’t even know about. Before we had her, we tried for such a long time. Five years, four miscarriages. So Janis was really special to us. But eventually, she became an only child. And I lost my wife, she lost her Mom. It took a lot for her to be happy after that, I know she’s healed from the loss of her mother but it’s still a missing piece of her life…her heart. When she met you again, it was like I saw that light in her eyes come back.” Akoni began.

You stared at the waves while he talked, taking occasional sips of your drink in the meantime.

“You brought her so much joy, so much laughter, so much love. You brought the Janis I knew…back to me. And I also gained another daughter in the process. Sometimes, when you’re at this stage where you’re trying for a child and you get pregnant but spontaneous losses like the one you’ve been through, the ones her Mom went through, don’t impact future chances. It may feel like you have the weight of the world is on your shoulders, it may feel like your heart is broken beyond repair. But every try is a new glimpse of hope. Sometimes shit just…happens. And sometimes it just has to hit the fan before it settles.”

“I know where Janis gets it from.” You remarked, “She gets it from you. You two just have a way with words. I know, she told me that. And now you’re telling me too. I hear it all, and I know it deep down in my heart but in this moment. I’m still kind of struggling. I don’t want to be, but I am. But I also know it’s okay to be struggling sometimes, because in life…a lot of different things happen. We can never be fully prepared for all the love, all the life, all the loss. We can only go through it. We fall, pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off. The show’s gotta go on.”

“That being said, it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to scream, it’s okay to let it out. Feel what you need to feel.”

“Thank you.” You sighed softly, looking at him. “Really, thank you for being here for me like my mom never did. Thank you for letting me be a part of your life, letting me be loved the way that I have been. I’ve never had love like this. I didn’t know how to feel when you guys welcomed me so warmly. I didn’t know love like that, I was so afraid. But you guys changed that, changed me and I will forever be grateful.”

“We’re your ‘ohana. Now, and always.”

“You are, you guys are my family. And I’m so lucky.”

The conversation took a more lighthearted turn after that, and you felt as though the dark cloud hanging over your head finally started to clear up.

“She still hasn’t convinced you to try poke?”

“No.” You laughed, “Not the tuna, not the salmon. Only the shrimp.”

“I’m just kidding you.” He smiled playfully. “How’s the island life treating you?”

“It was a pretty big change for me because I’ve been in Evanston pretty much my whole life but I love it here, more than Chicago now. I mean, some still think I’m a haole until I open up my mouth and converse in Hawaiian, or they see me kissing Janis and Janis speaking up first. But mostly? The people are so lovely here and it’s not as crazy of a pace as it is back home.”

“You are definitely not a haole in the way those people mean. You’re like, honorary Hawaiian at this point.”

You laughed, “That’s nice.”

“Glad I could make you smile.” He nudged you playfully, “Want some shave ice?”

“Oh, they’ll so kill me.”

“Little bit never hurt anyone.” He grins, “We could share one.”

“Then, yes please.”

🏷️Tag list:

@ashecampos @auliisflower @cheesysoup-arlo @frogs00 @ludoesartandstuff @pda128

[theladybarnes]

CRIMSON AND CLOVER: CHAPTER TWO

"There is no shame in running.”

▸ summary: winter brings the holidays, vacations, and new worries ▸ characters:  robin buckley, eddie munson, & steve harrington 💕 (ft. dustybuns) ▸ word count: 10.2k         ▸ warnings: SMUT (18+MINORS DNI) unprotected p&v smut, angst, & fluff ▸ series masterlist

NOVEMBER

 “Okay, honey, gonna need you to ease up on the—shit that was a stop. Break!”

 You pressed down on the break gently, forcing the car into a stop at the side of the road. Frowning over at your boyfriend. “Can you please stop nagging my driving?”

 “Nagging? Baby, you missed that stop sign!”

 Glancing over your shoulder, you look back to the sign. “I did not!” You grumbled, shifting back to look at the road. “I just did a California pause.” 

 Steve scoffed a bit, trying to stop the smile that wanted to creep its way in.“Yeah, well, that California pause is gonna get us an Indiana ticket.” 

 “I wish the two of you would settle on who’s actually driving.” Robin said softly from the backseat. A glance in the rearview mirror showed you a very nervous Robin who was currently covering her face with her hands. 

 “I am driving! Steve is shutting up now.” You said with a roll to your eyes. The house of the party was only a couple blocks away now and Steve’s worrisome attitude would soon be over. 

 To be fair, the two of them had been a little on edge tonight. It had taken nearly all afternoon to convince the both of them to come out with you tonight. Jason Carver was hosting a party during fall break and you needed a mindless distraction from all the school work you’ve been diving into lately.

 Naturally, they had good reasons to be so reluctant about going. 

 Robin for the fact that most of the people there did not like her due to her status in band. And also because no one she’d actually like to talk with would be there. 

 As for Steve, well, he wasn’t too keen on the idea of going to a party at former teammate's house. After the events that happened your first year here, it was clear he was pushed out of the team’s good graces after his fallout with Tommy. 

 But after promising that you’d make sure they had a good time in your group's own fun way, they finally gave in. 

 “You know, I really don’t mind driving us.” Steve said softly, trying again to gain back some control. 

 Holding in a tired sigh, you reached over and placed your hand on his thigh. Squeezing at the limb tenderly. “Honey,” you said, stealing his own nickname for you. “Just relax, and let me take care of us okay? We’re almost there.”

 A quick glance showed you Steve slightly taken back by your slight dominance. 

 “Why did I like that so much?..” he asked himself, but sat back anyway, resting his hand on top of yours. Robin peeking out from her hands let out a small laugh as she leaned closer towards the two of you.

 “I thought by now you’d have convinced your old man to send over another car. Didn’t you complain the other day that he just got a new car for himself?”

 The bitter memory of your phone call back home brought a sour look to your face. It was supposed to be a regular end of the week check in but it turned into their big recent purchases.

 “He’s pissed I’ve ruined another car.” You pouted. “I tried to convince him it was because of the mall fire but he said since I didn’t pick a safe enough parking spot, it was on me. Which means I’m unfortunately carless once again.”

 “Not completely,” Steve butt in, squeezing at your hand again. “I’m willing to pick you up and drop you off anywhere.”

 “And me too, right, dingus?” Robin asked, looking over at her friend. Steve waved his other hand side to side. Acting like was debating whether or not to agree with her. She settled for slapping him upside the head lightly. 

 “I’m still debating on that,” he grumbled, rubbing the back of his head. “Trouble here though, should know she’s set for life on rides.” 

 “Rides that I’ll occasionally get to drive on?” You said playfully, watching as he laughed hesitantly with a small head shake. 

 “Still debating that too.”

 “It makes sense to take rides from Steve anyway.” Robin pointed out. “You two are together for most things anyway.”

 You turned the wheel down the next block, not really sure on how you should reply.  But honesty always seemed to be the best way to go most of the time. “I’ll need to drive on my own eventually.” you shrugged. “Especially if things are different next year..”

 The weight of those last words hit the car instantly and you tried not to physically wince at the small silence that followed after it. 

 “Right.” Steve said soon after, squeezing at your hands. Almost reassuringly. “It will be different..next year.”

 Glancing to your right, you watched as he gave you a small smile before looking out the front window. “Stop!” he said suddenly, making you slam on the break a bit. The three of you jerked forward before falling back against the seat.

 From the passenger rear view mirror, you could see a golden looking cat strutting away from the car.��

 “Well that guy came out of nowhere.” you said sheepishly watching as both of their heads turned to look at you incredulously. Nervously, you adjusted the top of your jacket, looking back to the road. “Anyway, Steve was distracting me. So now that he’s stopped we can finally get back to business.”

 “Back to business?” Robin asked as she settled back into her seat again. “You mean you back to carelessly driving while Steve tries not to go into a panic attack?”

 “Yes, but only to the second part.” Turning on the left hand signal, you checked over your shoulder to the road before setting back to the party. “I am getting us to this party, in one piece, and you two will enjoy yourselves and thank me later for having such a good time.”

 You glanced quickly at Steve, raising a brow at him. “Right, Steve?” you asked, looking for a little back up. His mouth opened and closed a couple of times before he finally nodded his head. Absently giving you a thumbs up as he glanced at the road. 

 “Yeah, exactly.” 

 “Sure,” Robin agreed. “We’ll have a good time. If we don’t die on the way there.” 

 You ignore the jab and keep on with your positivity. “Again, in one piece and a good time!”

 Steve thankfully sensing your slight distress held onto your hand. Rubbing at the back with his thumb. “Ease up, Buckley. Trouble’s right. Plus we’re not even that far from the place anyway.” 

 “Yeah, yeah, sure.” Robin waved off. “But if I could just say one more thing then I’ll keep quiet back here.” 

 “What is it?” You asked tiredly. 

 “You just missed our right turn.” 

 “..Fuck.” 

Things thankfully did turn around the minute you guys entered inside the house. 

 Robin was first to set off in a different direction when she caught sight of an old friend from band that had graduated previously. Leaving you and Steve to mingle your way through the crowd of kids. Surprisingly, there were a couple of old faces that seemed to be pleased to see their former classmate again.

 “So wait, the two of you were actually in the mall that night?” asked Anna Jacobi. Her Purdue sweater had a distracting splotch of beer on the front of it that kept catching your eyes.

 “We were.” Steve answered casually, trying to downplay the actual events of the night. “It was pretty crazy. Things got pretty hectic after we got our friends out. Didn’t even have the chance to really see all the damage that had gone on.”

 “I heard you guys had to be checked out by paramedics.” Said her date Mark Sutton next. “Did anyone get hurt?”

 “Well, we inhaled a lot of smoke and fell a couple of times trying to get up the broken escalator. Some of us had to get patched up.” You waved off, trying not to think about the ‘simple’ patch work like El’s leg, Jonathan’s face, and almost the entirety of Steve’s body.

 “I swore I saw Harrington with a shiner for like a week afterwards.” Said someone from the back, making you think you almost slipped up on that last part of your thoughts.

 Instinctively, you turned your body closer to Steve’s. Almost attempting to shield him from their line of curious questions. To this day the sight of his bruised and battered body still haunted you. Reminding you that had it not been for Dustin or Erica, the three of you would have faced a lot worse than truth serum. 

 “Some guard inhaled too much smoke. Then attacked Steve when he thought he was trying to keep him inside.” 

 From the side you could see Steve gave you a small curious look while the group murmured in astonishment. 

 “I’m sure the guy won if he was up against Harrington.”

 All of you snapped your head towards the source of the voice. Standing in his Indiana State sweater was Tommy Hagan. His legs wobbled a bit as he pushed his way through the small group of people around you guys. A clear sign of how inebriated he was.

 “Tommy,” Steve said dryly. “You’re here.”

 “Yeah,” he scoffed, crossing his arms. “Seeing as I was actually invited and not someone’s plus one.” he smirked as he perched at the edge of the armrest, giving him the chance to look down at you two.

 “Speaking of being invited. I don’t remember inviting you over for this conversation. Why don’t you go do something useful like bothering someone else? Or going to take a swim with a slab of concrete?” you said simply, giving Tommy a glare. It’s been months since either one of you have had to put up with him and you weren’t too keen on that changing now.

 His smile faltered a bit before he shook it off to smirk at you. “Lovely as ever, Henderson. I’m actually surprised to find you here. With Stevie boy of all people. Would have thought you were done playing guard dog to freaks when he graduated.” he finished, bringing his can of beer up to his lips. 

 The comment struck a nerve with Steve. He nearly shot up from his seat but seemed to hold back from giving Tommy the full reaction he was looking for. From his side you could see his hand clench up in a fist while the other wrapped around you pulled you in closer. 

 “Is there any reason why you’re here, Tommy?” Steve asked, not leaving room to humor his inquiries. “Or was bothering us part of your list of things to do tonight?”

 The group around you guys slowly seemed to catch onto the animosity, pulling away a bit from the three of you, but not enough so that they’d miss out on the conversation. 

 “Ooh,” he cooed, smirking down at Steve. “Can’t a guy catch up with his old school chums?” 

 He looked around the room, trying to get someone to smile at him. “I just want to make my visit back home fun before I head back to school.” He turned back to the two of you, giving a sardonic smile. “That’s something Stevie boy will never have to worry about. He’ll always be here. Stuck in Hawkins, waiting to catch up with us.”

 Steve’s face hardened. You started to see red. 

 “Wow, Tommy, after all this time you’re still so obsessed with what Steve is doing.” Getting up from the couch, you sized him up for a moment as you stood with your hands on your hips. You made sure to throw in a bright smile. “I would have figured you stopped keeping tabs on him a long time ago. Then again, I guess you must be bored and bitter now since Carol dumped you on her way to OSU.”

 Finally the smile dropped from Tommy’s face as a scowl took over. 

 “Listen bitch,” he muttered, pointing a finger at you. “I don’t think you of all people here have room to talk about being dumped. Didn’t you get dumped by Billy after you wrecked his ca–”

 The cup of beer is taken out of your hand quickly and thrown into Tommy’s face before you could even react. Steve was up now, moving you to stand behind him as he stepped up to Tommy. “Watch your mouth, asshole.”

 “Wow,” he chuckled, wiping his face of any liquid. “Still got some fire in you, I see.” Standing up now, he adjusted his sweater before looking Steve in the eyes. “Why don’t you and I take this outside and settle things once and for all? That is unless you’ve gotten shittier since your fight with Byers..and Hargrove..and I guess we should count the mall security now.”

 “Fuck you.” Steve grunted. 

 The two looked like they were about to start fighting then and there when the sound of a hollering noise came up from behind them.

 “Tommy! I’m so glad you made it, man!” 

 Jason Carver, the party host, pushed his way through the small audience that had formed around you guys to make his way and hug Tommy. He quickly realized the boy had been soaked up in beer and frowned at his shirt before looking between both boys. “Is everything cool here?” He looked more concerned about Tommy than the overall situation.

 “Yeah,we’re cool” Steve said calmly, not giving room for the other boy to clue Jason in. “Tommy might need some help keeping dry, though.”

 Turning around, he gently placed his hand into yours. 

 “Come on, let’s get some air.”

 Without looking back, he led you out of the living room and out the back door of the house. The backyard was just as busy with buzzing kids, but at least had cool crisp air to give you guys some breathing room to relax from the tense moment. 

 It wasn’t until you were towards the back gate of the house that Steve let go to lean against the wood wall. Letting out a tired sigh while he kept his gaze down at the floor. 

 “Are you okay?” you asked softly.

 “No…I’m not okay.”

 “Please don’t be upset.” Reaching out, you cupped the sides of his cheeks and tried to get him to look at you. “Tommy’s an asshole. He’s just trying to get a rise out of you. Out of both of us.”

 “He’s right though..I’m still here. Stuck.”

 You shook your head quickly, needing to get some sense into your boyfriend. “You’re not stuck here. Just because this asshole puts it like that doesn’t mean shit. He doesn’t know anything you’ve been through the past two yea–”

 “Wasn’t it you just a few years ago, who told me I’d be nothing but the boy who used to be relevant?”

 Hearing your words brought up felt like a bucket of ice water thrown to your face. Surprisingly, it stung more than you thought it would. At the time the words made sense, you wanted Steve to hurt as badly as you did. 

 But things changed, he changed.

 “Yeah, I said that. And I was wrong. Okay? I was wrong and a liar because at the end of the day I did like you. I liked you so much that I had to physically keep myself away from you.” 

 The very idea of Steve thinking so far back to what you said and it possibly being something that continued to hurt him made your stomach twist up. 

 “So yeah, you’re not in tech, or state, or wherever. But you’re here with me, and you’re my favorite person in all this stupid world. Who does stuff like sticking up for me when you know I can handle angry customers, or letting me drive your precious car to lame parties, or giving me crazy hot sex at the office at work that I still think about sometimes.”

 Sighing, you make a point to take a step back from him. Giving him a small sad smile. “I said a lot of awful shit to you in the past..I’m sorry. I’d never say anything about the guy standing before me now. And you shouldn’t give two craps about your jealous ex best friend or anything he says. But I guess that’s just what I think.”

 Feeling a little frustrated, you make a move to step off towards the gate door when you’re pulled back gently. 

 Steve wrapped one arm around your lower back while the other cupped at your cheek. “I’m sorry,” he sighed, resting his forehead against yours. “I shouldn’t have brought that up. That was another time for us. I just.. I just can’t get his words out of my head. If Tommy Hagan of all people is doing better off than me–”

 “Tommy Hagan is currently throwing up on Jason’s couch,” said a voice suddenly. 

 Staggering from the side of the house was Robin. In her hands was a stolen bag of chips and an unopened six pack of beers. “I highly doubt he’s doing better than you right now.” she smirked as she came over. 

 The two of you pull apart, but keep each other’s hands linked together. Steve is still down, looking only at your hands while he sniffed to himself. You glanced over at Robin who gave you a small nod, seeming to already know what’s happened from inside the party. It brought back the twisting feeling in your gut when you remembered how much of a better mood he was earlier that day. 

 “This party blows.” you said nodding over to Robin. “Wanna go drink and watch scary movies?”

 “I know a place where we can grab a quick flick.” Robin smiled, seeming to like the change of plans. She moved over to Steve’s side, nudging him in the shoulder lightly. “Waddya say, dingus? Wanna get buzzed and watch some masked guy chase a hottie?”

 He picked his head up at that, giving Robin a slight pout before he turned to look at you. Leaning in, you gave a small kiss to the corner of his lips in effort to make him smile. “That is if you’re up for it.”

 The two of you keep your focus on Steve, leaning in comically enough that he has to hold up his hands to push both away lightly.  “Fine,” he said, a smile cracking through his lips. “But I get to pick the movie.”

 It’s weird to be ditching a party so early. This wouldn’t have happened last year. But something about leaving to go enjoy the rest of the night with Robin, Steve, and a cheesy horror movie felt right. And as the three of you made your way over to Steve’s car, you hope that he felt the same way.

  DECEMBER

 It was early one Saturday morning when the sound of a boy’s boisterous laugh woke you up. A dangerous move on the stranger’s part considering you were still in your beauty. 

 Grabbing onto your robe, you emerged out of your room. Brushing off the early sleep from your eyes to find the source of the noise pollution. Dustin, who didn’t have anyone over as far as you know, was standing in the living room surrounded by a small group of boys you recognized from school. 

 “Who’s the guy who can’t control the volume of his voice?” you muttered, giving the group a small glare. 

 Two boys in matching shirts jumped in place, not seeing you behind them. A third boy, who looked like he had seen a ghost, spat out the water he had been drinking. “D-Dustin,” he stuttered, shakily pointing over at you. “You didn’t tell us a girl lived here.” 

 “Girl?” Dustin snorted as he piled in books and snacks into his backpack. “You mean Medusa? Could’ve sworn that she was a Gorgon.” 

 “Oh you’re so funny!” You said, faking a hard laugh. “Wanna know what else is gonna be funny? Aunt Claudia’s face when I tell her it was you and your little troop of dungeoneers who dragged dirt onto her clean carpet.” 

 Dustin scoffed at the threat, getting up from the floor to cross his arms at you. “Please. There’s barely anything.” 

 “There is something, right here.” you insisted. 

 He huffed a bit before he joined you at your side. Peering down at the floor. You waited until he was distracted enough before putting him in a chokehold. Instantly he fought back, trying to get out of your vice like grip. The two of you ignored the anxious other boys as you struggled against each other.

 “Let me go!” Dustin cried out, slapping at your arms. 

 “Say you’re sorry for the Medusa comment or else your ass is grass!” you hissed, pinching at his sides. It only caused the boy to become more erratic. Flailing in your arms until he was able to release himself out of your hold. He quickly stepped back and held up his hands defensively. 

 “If you tell my Mom about any of this, I’ll let slip about seeing Steve’s little morning exit from your window last Sunday!” he yelled back. 

 You let out a loud gasp. Shocked that he not only knew about last week’s rendezvous, but was brave enough to use as a threat against you. At any other time you’d be pretty impressed about it. But since he was doing it in front of his little friends, you could only scowl at your cousin. 

 “You little shit!” you growled, moving over to begin slapping at him. He instantly fought back, slapping at your hands and arms while leaning his face as far back from your assault. The other guys in the room are slightly gaping at the childish fight in front of them. It isn’t until Mike Wheeler came barreling through the front door that you two stopped.

 “Sorry!” Mike apologized, panting out huffs of air. “We had to drop Holly off at her friend's house before my Mom could get me here. I’m ready to go.”

 Dustin made sure to jump around you in order to get around the room to his bag again. The only thing you did was grumble as you made your way back towards the kitchen to get something to drink.

 Thankfully the other boys followed Mike back out the door, calling out how they’re all ready to go while Dustin made his way over to you. His face was red from the one slap you got in on him, but he looked more sheepish than angry. 

 “Look, sorry about the comment..please don’t tell Mom about today? She’d only freak out.”

 You crossed your arms over your chest, wanting to take the petty route for this. But considering he still had something to hold over you, you settled with nodding your head. “So long as you don’t bring up last Sunday. EVER.”

 “Deal.” he laughed, adjusting the strap of his bag on his shoulder. “Wouldn’t do me any good anyway.”

 “Why do you say that?”

 “Because if she grounds you from seeing Steve, then that means I don’t get to see him either.”

 You couldn’t help but laugh at that, nodding your head again before waving him off. He turned around and made his way towards the door to join his friends outside. But not without throwing one more bit of information over his shoulder.

 “You’ve got mail by the way. Something from California!” he called out before closing it up behind him. You rush over to the kitchen table and find an envelope with your name on it. The address you had memorized by now looked up at you tauntingly. 

 “California. Seems important.” Said a voice from behind you. Eddie, who was coming out of the bathroom apparently, sauntered over to your side. Peering down at the envelope.

 “This is important, Ed.” You mumbled, ignoring the fact that he was inside your house. The nerves of what the letter could say inside was far too distracting at this point. 

 “What’s so special about this Stanford? It’s just some cushy college, right?”

 You sighed softly, checking the weight of the envelope as if that were enough to give you any indication of what could be written inside. “It’s a law school, Eddie. It’s the law school that my family and I have been anticipating for since I was a kid.”

 “Wait,” he said, leaning in carefully. “Just how important are these results to you?”

 “Like my whole future sort of relies on this saying I’m accepted.” 

He whistled at that, crossing his arms as he looked at the paper suspiciously. “You think I should bring the boys back in and do a prayer circle or something?” 

 You looked over him weirdly before chuckling at how serious he actually was. “As sweet as that is, I think I can settle with you just keeping me company.” 

 Flipping the envelope over, you carefully tore off the tip of the paper. Getting the glued tab to come off cleanly before freeing up the contents inside. It was a minute of silence as you scanned your eyes over the page. 

 “Holy shit.” you whispered.

 “Congratulations! You have been admitted to the Stanford Class of 1990!” Eddie read out before he looked back at you. “That’s good, right?” You didn’t speak as you slowly faced him. Shocked to have the words read aloud for you. 

 “I’ve been accepted to Stanford University.” you said finally.

 “You’ve been accepted.” he confirmed slowly. “Woo?”

 Finally the excitement took over and you let out a happy scream. Jumping up and down gleefully. Eddie caught on with your happiness and let out a little laugh as he clapped his hands.

With how happy you felt inside, you didn’t even stop to think about sharing some of the joy you had and threw your arms around Eddie. 

 He huffed a bit from the air being pushed out of him before gingerly hugging back. “Way to go, Princess.” he said into your ear. Sounding genuinely happy. You can’t help but let out a small cheerful laugh and press a kiss to his cheek. 

 Pulling back, you’re about to thank Eddie for the moral support when the phone suddenly rang. Dashing into the kitchen, you pick up the landline and bring the phone up to your ear. 

 “Tell me you got yours!” said Nancy on the other line.

 “I just opened it! What did yours say?”

 “I GOT IN!”

 “ME TOO!” you cried out, making the other girl on the line scream out. 

 Eddie was still standing by the table, hand over his cheek as he stared down at the letter. From outside you could hear Dustin call out his name. Nancy on the other end calls to your attention too. Making you and Eddie only have a brief moment where you both make eye contact.

 “Thanks.” you mouthed, feeling a little bad about ditching him for the phone call.  He didn't say anything but smiled and waved goodbye. Casually stealing one more glance as he made his way out the door. 

 You find yourself still smiling even after he leaves. 

 LATER THAT WEEK

 “Steve if you don’t get your hands off of me..”

 “I’m helping keep you steady.” he chuckled from beneath you.

 You were currently at the top of the ladder above the romance section. Attempting to use a pin and string to hang up the mistletoe you bought off a Christmas tree lot yesterday morning. Steve had just clocked in five minutes ago before he made his way over to you. Letting his roaming hands go around the sides of your hips while you were distracted.

 “You’re actually tickling me.” 

 He snorted at that before moving around so he could stand at the other side of the ladder, holding onto the sides to keep it in place better. You quickly pushed the pin into the roof of the store, holding a hand beneath it to catch the object. When it didn’t fall you stepped down, smiling up at the sight. 

 Not missing the chance, Steve stepped forward just a bit so that he stood right beneath it. “Looks like we’re under the mistletoe.” he hummed, moving to wrap an arm around your back. 

 “Would you look at that?” you laughed, pretending to be shocked. “It seems we are.”

 He smirked down at you before reaching up with his other hand to use the tip of your chin to angle you up to him. Bringing you in close enough so that your lips could meet in the middle. It was a sweet, simple kiss that still took your breath away by the time he pulled back.

 “Missed ya today.” he said softly, looking at you with such a warmth that it has you feeling flushed all over. 

 “I missed you too. Did you enjoy the morning off?” you asked, biting your lip in an attempt to control the grin that wanted to plaster all over your face. It was hard to keep your cool composure around him sometimes.

 He shrugged a bit, bringing a hand up to casually pull at your bottom lip. Caressing at the plump tender skin before he leaned in to quickly sneak in another peck. “Got to take care of a few things. Including stocking up for our little weekend.” 

 The two of you recently planned for a private little getaway the moment you both found out you had the weekend off. It took some convincing and switching for Robin, plus some shifts covered to make Keith happy. But you guys managed to get away with it.

 “Oh?” you hummed, blinking a little bit. You were still a bit stunned from his little bits of affection.  “Someone’s excited. I guess I should say thank you for taking care of everything.”

 “I think I know a way you can thank me.” Steve said, sounding a little too excited. “I believe last month you showed me a pretty good way to thank me.”

 Laughing, you rolled your eyes and stepped away from Steve and his workplace temptations again in order to put away the ladder. “As much as I’d love to entertain that idea, I switched shifts with Robin. I have a test I need to study for.” 

 “What?” he pouted. “You didn’t have to switch her, I could have helped you with that!”

 Again you can’t help but laugh. “As much as I’m sure you mean that, I know your method of studying..not exactly the type of thing I need for History.”

 He followed after you, grabbing the ladder quickly to help put it away in the stock room in the back. You waited until he was done setting it against the wall before draping your arms around his neck, pulling him close now that you guys had some privacy. 

 “Now if it was Chemistry..that’d be a whole other thing.” you smirked watching as his pout slowly turned into a smile. “Tonight the store gets a break from our sexual escapades, this weekend however, will not.” You curled your fingers into the back ends of his hair, giving it a light tug as you looked up at him. “I’ll be all yours for forty-eight hours.” 

 Steve grunted a bit at the tugging, pressing himself close to your front while he rubbed his hands around the sides of your waist affectionately. “All mine?” he mused softly. “Just for the weekend?”

 “Well no, I’m always yours. But this weekend will be..extra special.”

 That piqued his interest even more. Making his eyes turn dark as he leaned his face down to your neck. “Define special.” he purred, letting his breath fan against your skin before he brought his lips close to yours.

 Laughing a bit at his unbothered public flirting, you gave in to his tempting looks and gave him a kiss quickly before your mind thought about the letter in the back of your jeans. You were still debating on whether to share this news with Steve now or later on. Unsure if you could hold back the exciting secret anymore.

 “So there was this letter–”

 “There she is!” 

 The sudden waving over from the front counter quickly distracted you. Making you pull back from Steve enough to peek out and see Eddie over at the front. Raising a brow, you stepped over towards him, giving him a small smile as you moved to stand beside him.

 “What are you doing here, Eddie?” 

 “Well, I was actually here to check out Sleepaway Camp.” he said, patting the tape on the counter. “But, it turns out I owe you guys money that I already paid.” 

 Robin, who was looking at Eddie curiously nodded her head in agreement. “There’s a three day late fee, dude. The system says it was returned but never paid for.” she said pointing to the screen. Steve came to join her at the register, frowning over at Eddie briefly before he looked at the screen himself. 

 “You owe us for Dune.” he said curtly, crossing his arms. “It’s a three dollar late fee.”

 Momentarily, you ignore your boyfriend’s uncalled for attitude in order to sort out some of the mess your new friend had gotten himself into. “Geez Ed, you do know this is only for rent, right?”

 Eddie looked over to you slightly exasperated before he leaned in.“Dune turned out to be a lot harder to watch than I thought. But it was only late by a day.” he said softly. “Think you can help me out with your friends?”

 “You know we can hear you, right?” Robin asked, becoming less amused by the boy. Steve on the other hand looked a little more on the angrier side. 

 Holding a hand up, you lean over the counter and look at the screen carefully. “What day did you come in to return it?”

 “Uhh, Monday. Night time. Probably when you guys were closing.”

 You quickly thought back to earlier this week. That night had been slow, and it took you nearly an hour to convince Keith to let you off early to get an extra bit of time with Steve before he had to drive you home.

 “Keith.” you said simply. “He was the only one here that night and we all know what he’s like the last hour here.” Steve pursed his lips, ready to rebut that but you raised a brow at him. “This mess wouldn’t have happened if I had been here. But seeing as I had plans..I wasn’t.”

 That seemed to shut him up but didn’t quite take away the frown from his face. 

 Robin clicked the mouse over the screen, deleting the charge before shrugging her shoulders to Steve. “Keith does hate checking movies back in. He probably waited for one of us to do it the next day and forgot about the charge.”

 Steve looked over the three of you with a small glare before shaking his head, moving to restack the pile of tapes over by the return counter. “Whatever, I guess.” 

 Pushing the tape towards Robin, you turned to face Eddie. Pointing a finger sternly at him. “This is the last time I will help you with a late fee problem. Next time bring your movie on time, whether you understand it or not.”

 “Yes, ma’am.” he chuckled, giving Robin the money for his new rental. “Gotta say, if that’s how you work as a defense lawyer before Law school, then I can’t wait to see you after. Might have to find a way to contact you in California.”

 “California?” Steve asked quickly. 

 You couldn’t help but freeze into place. Silently cursing Eddie for spilling the secret about your recent plans in front of Steve without you getting the chance to. “Uh,” you laughed nervously. “California..it’s where I’ll be starting school next year.”

 “Wait, when did this happen?” asked Steve as he came around the counter to go over to your side. “You got into a school in California?”

 “Pfft,” Eddie snorted, grabbing his tape from the counter. “She didn’t get into just any California school. She got into Stanford.”

 Robin gasped softly, looking over astonished before she clapped. “Holy shit, Henderson. You got in?!” 

 Steve beside you is slightly taken back. Brown eyes shifting between looking between you and Eddie. Was he happy, worried, mad? For once your boyfriend seemed to be completely unreadable to you. 

 “I just found out the other day.” you explained looking between the group. 

 Eddie nudged his elbow gently into your arm, giving you a small smirk. “Hell yeah you did. And because of that bit of news, I know just the person to help me out with my many upcoming parking tickets.” he teased, throwing a quick wink. “Catch you later, big shot.”

 The three of you quietly watched as Eddie left the store. For a moment there was a bit of awkward silence before Robin cleared her throat, causing your eyes to return over to her. She looked a bit worried at Steve but quickly shot you a wide grin. 

 “Congratulations, kid. All that law nonsense you’re always bringing up is finally gonna come in handy.” 

 Despite the teasing in her tone, her smile is genuine. Making you feel a little at ease about how awkward it seemed to be.  

 “Thanks, Robin.” you laughed a little bit before turning to Steve. 

 He was looking at you with such a forlorn look before he blinked into realization. “C’mere.” he whispered, pulling you into a tight hug. “I’m so proud of you, honey.”

 The warmth and love behind the hug is so genuine that you can’t help but melt into his arms. Feeling Steve press a kiss to the side of your head. But even with the affection, you can’t help but still feel like something was off. 

 “Is everything okay? You looked a little sick a second ago..”

 He let out a small huff of amusement before leaning forward to kiss at your forehead. “I am, I promise. This is just..this is big news.”

 Reaching into your pocket, you pulled out the acceptance letter, opening it up for Steve to have a look at.

 Carefully, he took the paper into his hands and scanned his eyes over the page. A small smile tugging at his face before he glanced up at you. “This is amazing but..how come you were keeping this a secret? This is good news.”

 “It wasn’t supposed to be.” you said honestly. “I was going to tell you this weekend as a surprise but Eddie’s mouth is too fast for his brain to catch up and he gave it away.” 

 “How did Eddie know anyway?” he asked, slightly hesitant. Robin, who was still watching the awkward scene play out, waved the two of you off and went to the back to distract herself with work. Leaving the two of you alone.

 “He was picking up Dustin the other day for some sort of game night and saw me with the letter. It was only by chance that he found out first.”

 Steve looked a little bit unsure of your answer, but didn’t seem to go against it. Only giving you back the letter. For a moment you’re worried that he might still be upset about things, but he quickly turned to make things back to how it was before. Wrapping an arm around your waist as he pulled you closer. 

 “So I’m guessing the letter was that extra special thing you were mentioning earlier.”

 Happy to have him back in a playful mood again, you can’t help but grin up at him. Despite wanting to play cool and coy. “Yes..and no.” you hummed, pressing your hand to rest against the front of his chest. The beat of his heart was thumping heavy through his shirt. “The actual special bit is the fact that a certain set of clothes I found in Vanity Fair last month arrived in the mail for me today.”

 “Clothes?” he asked, face scrunching up in confusion. “What’s so special about clothes?”

 Tracing your hand from his chest up to the side of his neck, you watch as his throat bobbed a bit. “Well for starters they’re in red. Your favorite color.”

 “Red is nice.”

 “Yeah, so is lace.”

 His eyes widened at the reveal and you felt a big surge of pride in knowing that Steve was already enthralled with the outfit without having seen you in it yet. But his shock quickly turned back into a frown, making you worried he might be upset again.

 “That’s not good.” he said with a shake to his head.

 “What’s wrong?”

 “We’re gonna need a lot more than forty-eight hours now if I’m gonna see you walking around in lace.”

 Now it’s your turn to stare at him with a stunned look. But with the sound of Robin calling out to Steve, there’s no time  for you to even think of a response to that. Meanwhile Steve has completely soaked in the sight of you taken back for once, giving you a kiss to your cheek before he patted your behind.

 “Duty calls, Trouble.” he winked, giving you one last look over. “I’ll call you later.”

 And just like that you’re left at the counter, both excited and anxious for the weekend to come.

 TWO DAYS LATER

 There were a couple of things you learned since the start of the getaway weekend. The first thing was the fact that you and Steve were doomed to either order take out the rest of your lives, or sign up for cooking classes. 

 The second was that Steve Harrington really loved red lace. 

 “Fuck, I’m so close.” 

 The two of you had been going at this all night. Taking breaks from eating, talking, and watching tv in order to make out or mess around. Despite the fact that you two had a very healthy sex life for two working teens, you both took every opportunity that this weekend could bring. 

 “Me too.” you whimpered, rolling your hips again. Steve had you on his lap by the fireplace. Letting the heat of the fire keep your bare skin warm since the only thing left of the lace was the bra you managed to keep on.  

 The palm of his hands gripped tightly to your hips, helping you keep the rhythm that was getting the both of you closer to your third climax of the night. At this point the way you two were going it was like you were trying to start a new record. 

 “God, you’re beautiful.” Steve grunted, trying hard not to grip tightly to the soft skin of your hips. His eyes were looking everywhere from your face down to your bouncing breasts. You couldn’t help but feel a heat go over your face. 

 Leaning close, you pressed your lips against his. Trying to capture his heavy breath so that you could soak him in completely. But at the same time he’s thrusting upward to keep up with you and his cock is hitting at just the right spot. Making you throw your head back in a gasp.

 Steve wrapped you in his strong arms. Making sure to maintain the deep thrusts and keep you situated on his lap. Your hands reached out to grip against his shoulders. Sharp nails slightly digging into his skin when he thrusted into the right spot again. It caused him to grunt softly, face scrunching up in concentration. 

 He relentlessly slammed into you next, giving his everything into your pussy as he repeatedly bucked his hips up. Beads of sweat started to fall down the side of his face and you paused your bouncing to brush back the sweaty hair from his face. “Your perfect pussy is gripping on me so tight,” he growled. “I’m gonna lose it.” 

 His dirty words affect you like usual, making you not only moan, but squirm even more in his hold. “Please, baby. I’m almost there.” you whined, rolling your hips a bit. There’s a good amount of arousal that’s slicked up between you and Steve can’t help but smirk down at the sight before he glanced at you again. 

 “Don’t worry, honey. I’m gonna make you feel real good again.”

 With one hand still around your waist, keeping your body pressed to his, he used the other to cup at the side of your neck. Keeping you perfectly still to drill into you in a brutally fast sequence. One thrust, two, three, and with one hard final push, he’s hitting the right spot that has you seeing white spots. 

 Your weak body collapsed fully on top of him, falling into the ecstasy like bliss it always does while Steve rode out his orgasm. Between you two, the remnants of his orgasm started to slowly seep out, coating the upper part of your thighs. 

 “So good.” you murmured into his skin. Lips lazily peppering his neck with kisses. He pressed his lips to your forehead, gently stopping his thrusting so that the two of you could slowly fall backwards into the pile of pillows on the floor. 

 It wasn’t until a second later that the two of you pulled apart completely. Falling on your backs as you tried to gasp back some air into your lungs. But with the fire beside you still alive and spreading its warmth into the room, you couldn’t quite cool off right away. 

 But that didn’t matter, not when Steve was pressing loving kisses over your neck and shoulders as he came down from his high. He was murmuring sweet words into your skin, almost silently to himself before he settled for resting his face against your shoulder. Close to your side.

 It’s a peaceful, intimate kind of cuddling. Something you guys don’t get to have often since most of the time you’re having sex in the heat of the moment or some place you aren’t supposed to. But this was different. This was almost like playing make believe that you lived this kind of way.

 “Your thinking face is on.” Steve said softly, pulling you out of your thoughts. His hand was gently running up and down the side of your arm as he looked over at you. “Mind sharing with me?”

 “It’s nothing.” you sighed, trying to avert your gaze down. The curls on his chest were slightly slick from the heat of everything. “Just admiring the day we got to have.” 

 “Oh,” he chuckled. “So you’re thinking about it too?”

 For some reason that has you turning shy, hiding your face away from his knowing eyes and hiding in the crook of his neck. The skin there smelled like his cologne and something musky, making you take a deep inhale before you placed a kiss there. 

 “I think I could live everyday like this.”

 “What? Burnt steaks and sex every night by the fireside?” you asked, pulling away to gage his reaction. He looked very pleased with the question, nodding his head quickly.

“Who the hell wouldn’t?” he said as a matter of fact. The palm of his hand wandered from your side down to your bare backside. “Do you think they have that lace in more colors?” he said a second later, cupping at the cheek of your ass

 “Steve!” you chided, trying to hold in a laugh. But too quickly is that failing and he’s dragging you back close. Letting his lips land on yours while he kneaded at your behind. You melt into the moment, letting yourself give into Steve completely. 

 “We can have that you know.” you said against his lips. He hummed in question, not pulling back from you so that he could continue the grazing over your skin. “Live like this every day.”

 “I know,” he agreed. “Someday right?”

 While he was right about that, there was something you had in mind. It came to you the day before when you were packing for the weekend. A small spark of an idea really. No matter what you did throughout the day, the idea of sharing an apartment in the bright sunny California with Steve kept bringing a smile to your face. 

 “Well, it could be someday..or it could be next fall?” 

 He pulled away confused before you sat up to look down on him. If there was anyone that you’d want to share a room with, a home with, a life with; it was Steve. 

 “Stanford starts early next fall. And my parents want  me to live off campus so I can have a better place to stay. Meaning that I’d probably get an apartment close by. But it’d be just me alone in a new place with no friends..no you.”

 “Right.” he said slowly, not exactly sounding like he understood where you were going with this

 “But, if we work things out early..it doesn’t have to be that way.” He still looked up at you perplexed with unsurety in his gaze. You take it as a sign just to be straightforward with this now. 

“Do you think maybe you’d come with me and live together?”

 His brows furrowed together, lips pouting as he took in your formal words finally. “Live together? Like together? In California?”

 “Yes, like us in a place back home.”

 “I thought that you’d want something long distance.” he asked, eyes shifting. 

 “What, you expected the two of us to just be together almost three thousand miles apart in a completely different timezone?” 

 “Wait, you actually did the math?”

  “Steve..” 

 He held his hands up defensively, licking his lips as he nervously stuttered out his next words. “Baby, look, I don’t think I can just leave home. I-I can’t just uproot my whole life for..” he cut himself off, frowning over his own words before he looked at you nervously.

 It’s safe to say the words still hurt you to your core without being said. Enough to almost make you physically flinch inside. But the part of you that tries to hide, aka the venomous bitch, is festering off this conversation. 

 For the first time in a while, you let her out a bit. “Finish it.” you said sternly. “Finish the sentence.” 

 Steve quickly shook his head, not wanting to steer anywhere near that kind of talk. “No, no, honey. You know I didn’t mean it like that.” he pleaded, trying to reach for you. But you already reeled yourself back, getting some space as you felt the anger heat up your face.

 “Say the rest of the damn sentence, Steve. Say how you don’t think I’m worth changing your life for.”

 He moved to sitting up now. Looking at you the most serious since he’s been in a while. “I’m not gonna finish it because I don’t believe that. You’re one of the few people in my life that’s helped me for the better. I just meant that I didn’t want to uproot my life for nothing. I need to do something in order to do that.”

 “Starting a life with me is nothing?”

 He sputtered a bit. Trying to say multiple rebuttals to that at once. “Don’t twist my words!”

 “Then what is it you’re trying to say, Steve? Because as far as I know you’re not doing anything here but working at family video.” Looking at your hands you try to control the word vomit coming out but the pain in your chest is making that hard to do. “You’re still on this weird sabbatical since you didn’t make it into tech. And FYI, you could do something in California. There’s tech schools, community colleges, christ, even video rental stores. Why can’t you just do that over there where you can be with me?”

 “What, like some love sick boy following around his girlfriend while she’s off becoming a lawyer and he’s stuck renting tapes out to jerk offs?” Steve scoffed lightly, not really pleased with your suggestion.

 “No, like a man who wants to be with the supposed woman he’s in love with. Or did that mindset only have a lifespan of one school year?”

 “Stop..stop acting like it’s just that. You know it wouldn’t be an easy change! Not to mention there’s other factors.”

 “Like what?”

 “Like the fact that I have other people in my life that are important too. Not just you!”

 You look over at him shocked. Mind instantly scrambling to put together if you had even insinuated that at all in the conversation. “I never said there wasn’t.” you frowned, wondering where this conversation was going to. “You mean the world to Dustin and I know Robin is your best friend. But..I wouldn’t expect Jonathan to stick around just to wait around for me. I’d..I’d want him to venture out and find something good for him.”

 “I want that for you too. Okay? I want you to have all that..”

 “And what about you? Why don’t you want that for yourself, Steve?” You almost reached out to shake him. Wanting to make him see that this move would be so much more than just moving in with you. It’d be a whole new world, a whole new life that you believed the two of you deserved. 

 Why wasn’t he getting that?

 “What I want and what I need are different things. I need to stay and check on my friends and make sure they’re safe in this hell hole. What I want is..you.” He reached up and gripped at your hand, bringing it down to press against his chest. The beat of his heart was fast beneath the tips of your fingers. Whatever he was feeling, it was enough to make his heart panic. “All I’ve ever wanted is you because I love you..”

 “Just not enough to come with me..”

 His mouth slacked a bit and he quickly shook his head. Seemingly stumped by your words. You sniffled a bit, holding back the tears you felt pinching at your eyes. Quickly, you pulled away from his hold. Reaching over for the robe you had been wearing earlier and slipping it on before you got up from the floor. “I think I should go home.” you said softly, averting your eyes.

 “No. Wait, please.” Steve said, quickly reaching for his sweats. “You can’t just leave. Besides, it's snowing. You don’t have a car and could get hurt.”

 “I’ll risk it.” You said bitterly, making your way up to go upstairs to where your stuff was. Steve caught up in time to stop you from taking the bag from the floor in his room. You tried to pry it out of his hands but he wouldn’t let go of the bag. You settled for letting go, moving over to stand in front of his window now. 

 This wasn’t how the night is supposed to be going. The two of you were supposed to have carefree fun. But because of your big mouth, the real world was coming in and tearing it all down. “I don’t want to be here right now.” you said honestly. 

 “Please,” he said, letting out a sigh. The tip of his fingers curled over your shoulders as he slowly dragged you back to press against his front. Crossing his arms over your chest like a blanket. “This isn’t how I wanted things to go.”

 “I know, me neither.” you said softly, voice sounding small and unfamiliar. This sudden weak feeling was still so unfamiliar to you. Especially with Steve of all people. He was the only one for a while other than Jonthan that you felt you could be vulnerable with. But at the moment, it’s the furthest you wanted to be.

 He pressed a kiss to your neck, soft and loving. But didn’t push for you to turn around. You kept your gaze out of his window the pool, letting the light distract you from the eyes you know would instantly pull you in. 

 “Take my room tonight..I’ll..take you home in the morning if you still want to leave.” 

 You nodded your head, staying in place, frozen. He gave you just one more kiss to your shoulder before he fully let go. His steps dragged as he slowly made his way to the door. As if he were waiting to see if you’d change your mind. But you knew you couldn’t.

 The wood creaked softly as he tugged it close, but not before he softly said one more message. 

 “I love you, don’t forget that.”

 With that he closed up the door, officially ending the conversation and the night. The distant sound of him heading back downstairs followed along with the heavy beats of your hearts.  It was all that beat in your head as you made your way over to Steve’s bed. 

 The familiar comforting smell of his fabric softener hitting your senses instantly. It wasn’t until you dragged the covers over your body that you felt the tears break through. Reaching out, you turned off the lamp by his bed. Letting yourself be engulfed in the darkness so that you could mull over what could very much be more than just a bad night. 

  The following morning, you wake up curled in the comforter of Steve’s bed. He kept his distance throughout the night. Leaving you tossing and turning with a mixture of anxiety and anger coursing through you. Glancing at the watch on your wrist, you note how early in the day it really was. Too early for a heavy sleeper like Steve. It’d be at least a good hour or two before he stirred awake on his own. 

 Glancing at his nightstand, you hesitantly reached over for the phone. Fingers twitching just about the receiver. It didn’t feel right to do this. It felt cowardly. But if you stayed the morning and continued to talk the way you both did last night…well, you weren’t sure where things would head.

 The dial tone only rang twice before the person on the other end finally picked up.

 “Hello?”

 “Nancy, it’s me.”

 “Hey! Are you okay?” asked the girl with concern. 

 “No, I’m not okay.” There’s a tremble to your voice and you silently curse yourself for already feeling like breaking down at the comforting tone of your friend. “Do you think you can pick me up? I’m over at–”

 “I know where you are. I’m on my way.”

 It only took Nancy about ten minutes to arrive outside the driveway of Steve’s house. The moment you saw her familiar car, you quickly moved out the door. Carefully shutting it behind you as you walked down the pathway.

 Her regular curls were tied up messily on the top of her head. Sleepiness was still heavy on her face along with the remnants of her makeup from yesterday. But her blue eyes, however, were filled with a familiar worry that had you slightly relieved. 

 Guilt quickly engulfed you. Not only were you ditching Steve with nothing but a note saying you’d call him later. But you had your friend up early with no other information as to if you were okay or not. 

 It felt like nothing about this weekend was ever going to go right. 

 You quickly entered the car. Allowing the heater to warm you up as you buckled into your seat. It wasn’t until you were settled in that you were brave enough to look over at Nancy. A small smile tugging at your lips when you noticed she had driven over in her plaid pajama set. The only thing fit for the weather was her jacket and the heavy snow boots she had.

 “Thanks.” you said softly, rubbing your cold hands together. “I know it’s early and you weren’t really expecting to hear from me. But we uh…” the argument suddenly returned to your mind. Making your voice die down and water prickle at the rim of your eyes.

 “It’s okay.” she cut in softly, reaching out to grab at your hands. “We don’t have to talk about it yet.”

 Nodding your head thankfully, you look out onto the dashboard. Trying to focus on anything to control the moisture that’s trying to leak out. Nancy let out a small sigh before suddenly turning to face you.

  “Wanna get some breakfast?” she asked, causing you to look over at her. Her smile was big and she had a small look of determination on her face. While a part of you really wanted to go back home and cry into your pillow for the rest of the weekend, something about maybe dishing out your current problems over a hot plate of food sounded oddly comforting.

 “Know a place that has good waffles?”

 Smirking a bit, she changed the gear on the car. “I know just the place.”

 The low hum of music was the only noise after that. You couldn’t help but steal a longing glance in your rearview mirror. Taking in one last look at Steve’s house, and for the weekend that it could have been. 

A regretful choice unfortunately. Because as the view of the house began to grow smaller, so did the sight of Steve standing at the front of his door. Alone. With nothing but a note in his hands.

A/N: Please don’t hate me! I wanted to make sure this chapter had enough fluff, smut, drama, and set up for the future of the season. 

[ghostofthemost141]

Heard

Pairing: Johnny 'Soap' MacTavish x F!Reader, First POV, no use of (Y/N)

Word Count: 2,388

Themes: Platonic Relationship, Fluff, Comfort, Some Angst

!Warnings!: Some Homophobia Violence (none of it comes from you or any of our main men and isn't graphic) and some !18+! Suggestive Talk

About: You and Soap have been best friends for many, many years and are completely inseparable. When he is home from a mission one night, he invites you to y'alls usual late night talks in the park, except this time it is different.

Notes: I'm a little iffy about this one but I hope y'all enjoyed it and I promise I will do more Ghost x Reader soon I just wanted to give Soap some love. I am gonna pick Bonnie again for this fic but for my next Soap x Reader I will pick another name to use and reader also has a accent in this. And this is an AU were Graves and Shepard aren't traitors (even though Shepard is the absolute worst). Enjoy!

“What a damn day..” I mumble to myself as I saunter into my apartment. 

Today was a rough and busy day at the job, but at least I was off for the next two days so I can just relax with a good beer and watch some good TV and maybe even catch up on some reading. There’s so much you can do in two days of freedom. Speaking of beer, I think I will have one now. As I was walking into the kitchen to grab a beer, my phone started ringing. That’s weird, nobody really ever calls me this late at night. Probably my mum. I grabbed my phone to look to see. 

Soap 🧼 is calling..

Oh Johnny! Damn it’s been a day or two since I heard from him, he must’ve just now gotten a break from the mission he was currently on. I answered it quickly. 

“Johnny!” I greet him. 

“Hey Bonnie.” 

“You doing alrigh’, mate?” I ask. 

“Meh could be better.” 

“You back home yet?” 

Silence was met between the two of us. I knew Johnny was still on the line for I could still hear his breathing on the other side. Usually he is a big converser, so he must be tired. 

“Johnny?” 

“Can you meet me now? Please.” Johnny begged. 

This was unusual for Johnny. He sounded frantic, worried and even scared. I knew exactly what he was talking about. Everytime he would come home from missions, we would meet out at the park nearby to talk about his mission and anything that happened while he was gone. I assume he was back home if he was frantically asking to meet up with me. 

“Yeah, of course. I just got home so it will be a minute. Are you okay?”  I ask, hearing his tone that was out of character for him. 

Johnny was silent for a moment except for his shaky breaths. What happened Johnny? 

“MacTavish. Are you okay? Are you safe?”  I asked. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m safe. I promise. I’ll be at our usual spot.” Johnny told me. 

“Okay, be there in ten.” I said, going through my clothes to find something to throw on. 

“A’ight.” 

Johnny then hung up the phone and I couldn’t help but feel a very sour taste in my mouth from that. I don’t think I have ever heard Johnny sound so..scared. Man goes into battle with a high risk of dying and would always retell it to me as if it was nothing but a walk in the park. Something must’ve happened to make him really scared. I eventually found a long sleeved t-shirt, some lounging pants, and mismatched socks to put on and did just so. I thought maybe I should bring some tequila or bourbon but then again, Johnny always told me what to bring and this time he didn’t. Fuck it, I’ll bring it just in case. You never know. I grabbed some bourbon, slipped my shoes on, grabbed my keys, and rushed out the door, knowing Johnny is probably waiting for me. 

~

“There ya are, MacTavish.” I announced my presence as I made my way to the park bench he was sitting on. 

“‘Ey, Bonnie.” Johnny softly said. 

Okay, something definitely has happened. Normally Johnny would come up to me and greet me with a bear hug or even a handshake when he first sees me, but now he was sitting still and speaking oh so softly to me. What’s going on? 

“What’s going on, Soap? Talk to me. You sounded panicked over the phone.” 

I sit next in front of him, offering my hand for comfort. Johnny immediately took it and held it, squeezing it even. Johnny and I have been best friends for many, many years now that you could consider us as non-blood siblings. We talk to each other about everything, do just about everything together, and are always there for each other. As we grew up, everyone thought we would end up together as a couple but we never did. We just stayed really, really close best friends and stuck with each other through the thick end. And yes we have had some arguments, as any normal pair of siblings would, but that was mostly when we were younger. Now we are both older adults, we just bicker at each other until the other gets annoyed enough to just ignore the other. Johnny kept squeezing my hand, and I could even feel him shaking. And it’s not from the cold weather that’s going on right now. 

“Johnny..” I reminded him that I was here. 

His bright blue eyes looked up at me. He looked terrified. 

“Lass, talk to me.” I reassure him, leaning in close to him, “you know you don’t need to be scared with me.” 

“I know..” He softly said. 

He was finding the words to say to me, but I will sit out all night if that’s what it takes for him to talk to me. 

“Something..happened, during my mission.” Johnny started. 

“Go on.” I ushered him. 

Johnny paused once more, still trying to gather up the right words to say. 

“You want somethin’ to relax ya?” I offer the bottle of bourbon to him. 

He stares at it for a few seconds before shaking his head. 

“No, but thank you, Bonnie. I appreciate it. I appreciate you very much.” 

I know he wasn’t necessarily thanking me for thinking about him by bringing him the bourbon, but for just being there for him in general. 

“Remember last time we talked?” Johnny asked me. 

I racked my brain to remember and luckily I did. 

“Of course I do. You were talkin’ about how Price was cursing under his breath about how he lost a damn good cigar when the airplane crashed.” I recalled. 

Johnny chuckled when I said that. Of course we talked about much more than that, but I figured I’d try and lift his spirits a little. 

“I had to hold back me laughter when I heard that over the coms.” Johnny admitted. 

“I don’t blame ya.” 

I have met Price plenty of times and you can tell he cares about the boys a lot but also doesn't take shit from nobody. Would offer his shoulder to cry on but will get pissed at them if they touch his whiskey kinda guy. The mood quickly went back to the way it was before, so it was time to be serious. 

“You mentioned to me how you were working through your feelings and emotions. As well as who you are attracted to.” 

The second it left my mouth, Johnny’s eyes wallowed in tears. I squeezed his hand as he sniffled in response and leaned his head forward, his forehead resting on our locked hands. 

“Johnny..” I call him, rubbing his head. 

Suddenly Johnny broke out into incoherent sobs. Tears ran down my hand as he just sobbed and sobbed. 

“Johnny, come here.” I called him as I got up quickly and got next to him so I could hug him. 

Johnny immediately accepted my hug, sobbing into my shoulder. 

“I’m so stupid, stupid..stupid.” 

I heard Johnny mumble through his sobs. I held him tightly, rubbed his back, and cooed at him with as many comfort words as I could think of. What in the bloody hell happened? 

“Johnny you’re not stupid.” 

“Yes I am.” 

“No you’re not Johnny. I am here for you always. No matter what it is.” I reassured him, hoping to soothe him a little bit. 

Johnny managed to finally calm down a little bit and I let him pull away from me. 

“I’m sorry..I just..” 

“Don’t you apologize you wanker. You never ever have to apologize with me, Johnny and you bloody know that.” I gently got onto him. 

He knows better than that. 

“Just talk to me. Tell me what happened so I can help you out.” I told him while squeezing his shoulders. 

Johnny wiped his face clean and managed to calm down, just enough to talk to me. 

“We were out at dis bar where we were stationed at. And at that poin’, the only person I ever told about how I was feeling internally was Simon.” Johnny started. 

“Does he accept you?” 

“Fuck yes he does. He told me ‘I don’t bloody care if you’re gay or what, you’re still my teammate and friend, Johnny.’” 

I felt relief wash over when he told me that. You’re a bloody good guy, Simon Riley. 

“That’s good, Johnny.” I say. 

“Yeah,” Johnny sighed before continuing, “it was aye, Simon, Gaz, Price, Laswell, Shepard, and Graves there. Um, there were these arseholes who were picking on a kid who was dressed very femininely. They assumed he was gay and started hurting him. Of course, I step in despite Shepard telling me to back off.” 

I could feel anger boiling inside of me. Their own General telling Johnny to not help an innocent civilian? What a coward and ball-less of a man. 

“What a focking jerk-off.” I cursed. 

“So I stepped in, didn’t want to make too much of a scene. They leave the poor fellow alone but they target me. I ain’t afraid until they started accusing me..” 

“Accusing you of what, Johnny?” I ask. 

Johnny squeezed my hand tightly and I could feel his whole body start to shake again. I rubbed his hand, trying to soothe his nerves. 

“Accusing me of being a..I don’t even wanna say it, but that word they use against gays. I just..shut down when they said it. Like I didn’t want to even accept it, ya know?” 

You shook your head over what Johnny just told you. You hated that he went through that, especially since he was still internally trying to figure out his own feelings. 

“And because I shut down, they were able to swing at me and I was knocked down on the ground. Simon had to step in and help me and I just felt so stoopid. I let something like that get to me.” 

“Johnny, you don’t need to feel stoopid over something like that. It’s understandable since you’re still figuring out your feelings and you were caught off guard.” I reassure him. 

“Yeah, well now everyone knows about me. I wanted it to stay with Simon, but now they know.” 

“How do they know?” I ask. 

“I..” 

Johnny paused. 

“They don’t really, but I can tell they know something is up. And I am scared.” Johnny confessed. 

“Why? Literally the only person I am iffy about is Shepard, but everyone else, they should be supportive of you, Johnny.. And if they don’t, then you’ve got Simon. Fuck everyone else if they don’t support you, but at least you have Simon Riley.” I say, trying to lift his spirits of the only person he can count on. 

“There’s something else..”  Johnny softly said. 

“Oh? What is it?” I ask. 

Whatever Johnny was about to tell me, I could tell it was going to be harder than what he just told me. 

“Please, just don’t judge me for it..” 

“Johnny, you know I never would judge you for anything.” I reminded him. 

“I know it’s just..Simon and I..” Johnny paused once more. 

“Yeah?” 

“Well, by the time we all left the bar, all of us were kinda tipsy except for Simon. Bloody lad is never drunk or acts like it no matter how much he drinks. So we went back to our base and later on, Simon came to check on me. And uh..” 

Johnny’s face instantly turned red. Beet red. I didn’t even need him to tell me what happened cause I already knew. 

“Oh Johnny!!” I cried out with excitement, poking him in his ribs making him giggle and flinch. 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Johnny said. 

“Sooo?” 

“So wha’?” 

“All I am gonna ask is, was it a good night?” I ask. 

“Steamin’ bloody Jesus, yes it was.” Johnny answered, making me laugh. 

“That’s good.” I say. 

It fell into a comfortable silence between us, but there was a question burning in my mind. 

“Johnny?” 

“Hm?” 

“Why were you so scared to tell me that, you know, you’re gay or bi? Whichever you feel like you fall more on.” I question. 

Johnny sighed deeply. 

“It ain't 'cause I didn’t think you’d accept me, I guess it’s cause I am having a hard time accepting it myself.” 

“That’s who you are and clearly Simon accepts you at the very least and I am sure everyone else will too. But if they don’t then Simon and I can beat their asses.” I half joked. 

“You’re right. I am just glad you are in my life, Bonnie. To know that if everyone else hates me for whateva reason, that you’ll still be supportive of me.” Johnny told me. 

I don’t think I have ever heard Johnny ever be this sentiment ever in over twenty years of being friends. 

“Of course, MacTavish. I’ll always be here for you.” I told him. 

Johnny then pulled me into a tight hug and I hugged back, instantly feeling the guilt and fear rolling off his shoulders. 

“Now, give me that damn bourbon. Let me tell you what Price did while we were gone this time ‘round.” Johnny announced, instantly back to his normal self. 

I laughed as I passed the bourbon to him, knowing he won’t drink enough to make him not be able to drive back home. We talked for hours and hours, till the sun started peeking over the horizon. Despite the both of us being exhausted, it was worth it in the end to be able to talk with my best friend, my non-blooded brother and to let him know that he indeed had at least one permanent supporter in his life. If Johnny has no supporters, then Simon and I must be dead, cause that’s the only way he wouldn’t have any supporters in his life until we know for sure how the rest of the task force feels, but I know they are going to accept him. They have to, or else they’re gonna get a special paid visit from both Simon and I personally. 

END 

[perryavenue]

rainjoy Has A New Post. It's Personal

rainjoy is one of my favorite Klaine fanfic authors. Their first Klaine fanfic was published on LiveJournal in 2011, their last in 2021. Health issues have become more intense over time. Their most famous works, All The Other Ghosts and Grey, were published in 2012 and 2013. So those who've joined the fandom fairly recently may not even know about their other fics, the most recent one being from 2021. rainjoy has written Klaine in every genre: high school!Klaine, college!Klaine, married!Klaine, supernatural!Klaine, fantasy!Klaine, and even superhero!Klaine.

Here is a link to rainjoy's works on Live Journal

Here's a link for Dreamwidth

I hope that you'll help boost it by re-blogging. Thanks in advance, @klaineccfanficlibrary and @todaydreambelieversfic

This is rainjoy's post from today (October 27, 2023).

"Hello, I’m still alive.

Hello, I do mean it, hello anybody around to see this, I really hope you’ve been well, I’m sorry I haven’t been around, I *haven’t* been well. But I have, over a course of fucking months, actually written something, so I’m writing *this* here so I don’t need to leave a novel-length author’s note on it, as some kind of explanation of where I’ve been.

Largely, I’ve been in bed, I’m likely going there again after posting this, they need to invent new words for how tired I am so much of the time, my upgraded wheelchair is worth about as much as my *laptop*, my life revolves around Can I? Probably not. and lots and lots and lots of ‘resting’. I’ve not been well, but please don’t worry, I’ve not been unhappy. This is the golden age of being ill, the sheer quantity of stuff out there to amuse the bedbound – I have books and podcasts, all of Netflix, I practically live on Sky: Children of the Light, when I’m too dopey even for that I have Animal Crossing, when I am genuinely such a puddle of not-human lethargy that all I need is for time to pass until I feel just slightly better again I have videos of other people playing video games on YouTube and I’m sorry my darling baby moths I will pick you up and help you every single time but it will never not be funny watching someone go through Eden for the first time on YouTube, it just never will not make me laugh, oh my gods I’m so *sorry* my loves <3

So anyway, there’s all that, that’s where I’ve been, life really does not work out the way you planned it to, huh? Because outside of my bed, I know I have messages and emails and someone got a tattoo?? You got a tattoo and I’m just really sorry I haven’t been in touch, my energy has to be paid out like a miser, if I want to wash my hair then wow the world is really not getting anything else out of me, you know? But I am still here, and I do still love the things I love. I still think all of it is worth it. I think the world is a *lot* of fun, though I bear in mind that still, and always, we live through very frightening and distressing times. Which actually makes me think we need to cling to the things we love *more*, not less, love makes better people of us, when we let it.

So I did watch the new season of Good Omens when it came out, and safe to say I was not impressed, but it did jog in me the memory that didn’t I write a sequel to it? Yes I did, and it involved *all* that blood. But I reread it – it’s like reading a stranger’s writing after so long – and that jogged the memory: Didn’t you start a sequel to *this*?

Yes I did! Two thirds written, actually, hurrah for my past self. The last third took, I don’t know, when did the new season come out, it took that long. I used to sneeze out this sort of thing. This, now, is getting at my arms, it’ll be another lie down soon. But anyway, the point of all this: I live yet. In the next few days I *hope* I will be formatting and posting a sequel to But Thou Readst Black because of course everyone wants *that* back in their heads again, my gods. And I hope hope hope you’ve been well, I do think of people while I’m stuck doing nothing but pooling my brain out of my ears on YouTube. Look after yourselves, take care of each other, my gods you tattooed yourself I mean more power to you but it alarms me when things I make turn out to be *permanent*, you know? It feels like I barely touch the world anymore, my circumference has become so small, but it makes the world seem only more precious. Take good care of it, and of yourself as part of it. And very, very much love, to anyone remaining to see this, much love <3"

[jacks347]

(As I continue to chip away at my next few projects, I figured y'all should see the original. Enjoy alternate ending Matador Gothic, my pride and joy. Oh, and the very end has symbolism explanation for those who want that extra knife twist)

“Step into the sun. How does it feel?” Alfonso felt like he was walking on air. Scythus was dead, his love was safe, he could breathe again. Everything was going to be okay. The woman he’d come to love took his hand and stepped into the sunlight next to him.

Then she winced.

His heart dropped.

“Bad. I-It feels like burning.” She dropped his hand and stepped back into the shade, rubbing the quickly blistering burns on her skin with a hiss of pain.

No. No no no no no. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. This was supposed to have saved her. She was supposed to be fine. Why was she not fine.

“No no no, y-you’re joking.” He laughed, mainly out of rising hysteria. “This was supposed to work! You were supposed to be okay! I’m not supposed to lose you!!” His knees gave out from under him, crumpling to the ground. Alfonso could feel his heart shattering, splintering in his chest and stabbing at his lungs with every breath.

Delilah reached out to comfort him but snatched her hand back before it crossed into the sunlight. “Alfonso, my love…” She trailed off, unable to find the words to comfort him. This was it. All their work had been for nothing. She would fall into that dream like Carmen said and he’d kill her.

I just wanted to go on vacation…

“What am I supposed to do without you, poppy? I risked everything for this!” Delilah could barely watch as he tore his hands through his hair, gripping it so tight she was worried he’d rip it out. “Alfonso please, i-it’s-” “Do not tell me it’s okay! Nothing about this is okay!” He snapped, his eyes wild and full of righteous fire. “Do you not remember what Carmen said? If I can’t save you, then the Guild deal falls through and I get an execution squad sent after me! I can’t fail here!”

Right. The deal with the Guild. Delilah had forgotten about that in the rush of the final battle. It was either they both lived or they both died, no in between. “What can we do? W-What am I supposed to do? I can’t be a vampire!” Delilah tried to tamp down her panic, actively failing considering the high-strung pitch bleeding into her voice.

Alfonso staggered to his feet, stepping back into the shade to pull Delilah into his arms. “Don’t you worry, poppy. I’ll figure this out. We’ll figure this out. We’re in this together, right?” He could feel her take a shuddering breath before relaxing into him. “Right. We’re in this together.”

~~

Delilah was acting weird. She had been for the past few days. She hadn’t been talking as much, seeming more contemplative, and had been growing more and more unenthusiastic about this venture away from the city and into the wild countryside to avoid the Guild. In his mind, Alfonso knew why. He knew exactly why his love wasn’t the same but his heart refused to acknowledge it. He was going to fix this, he was going to save Delilah and they would be happy together. He would have his happy ending. He deserved it dammit.

“Alfonso.”

There it was again, that soft, tired tone that she’d taken on. When he’d first heard it, it had only stoked the fire in him to keep going, that if he worked hard enough he’d break her of it. But now it was like a cold shower, dousing the fire and raising his frustration.

“Poppy, I’m trying to focus here.”

“Alfonso, please.”

“Delilah, let me do this.”

“Alfonso Villalba.”

He finally stopped and turned towards Delilah, his heart falling to pieces all over again as he saw the worn-out expression on her face. How long had she looked so tired? So sad? “We can’t keep running. I know that, you know that, this is just delaying the inevitable.”

How could she say that? After all he’d done for her? All he’d given up, all he’d risked? And now she just wanted to give up? No, he couldn’t accept that. “Poppy, that’s not true. We’ll find a way, just like we have through everything else. I’ll figure this out, I promised you that-" "Alfonso, enough. There is no other way. You should know that better than anyone.” “That’s not true, there’s still the route that Carmen suggested when we started this.” “That was a hypothesis at best and would take months to get, you know that! We don’t have months. We barely have days. Alfonso, this is it. I’ll fall into the dream or whatever it is and you’ll-” “Don’t you dare finish that sentence.” His voice was a harsh growl, unable to even think about what she was implying.

Delilah stepped back, fear flashing in her eyes that crushed his soul. He never wanted to scare her, he never wanted to see that terrified expression like he had when he first saved her from Scythus again. Yet here he was causing it. “Wait, Delilah, I’m sorry-” “No, no. This is the problem I’m talking about.” “Problem? What do you mean problem? The problem I’m seeing is that we’re not moving so we can-” “Alfonso I swear if you don’t shut up and let me finish for once, I’m pushing you off this cliff.” Alfonso’s mouth snapped shut with an audible click. Delilah sighed, rubbing her temples for a second like she was trying to jostle her thoughts together.

“The problem is you. This tunnel vision on a pipe dream that we both know isn’t possible. You’ve made yourself blind to everything around you. You want this to end the way you want so bad that you’ve forgotten about reality. We’re out of time. We’ve tried everything we could and it hasn’t worked. There is no happy ending. The change will fully take hold within a couple of days and then what. You’ve buried your head so far in the sand that you haven’t seen what’s right in front of you. Food is disgusting, I haven’t slept, I can’t even think about sunlight without my skin itching, I’m not me anymore! I’m becoming a monster and there’s nothing I can do to stop it!” Delilah threw her head in her hands, taking a few shaky breaths. Alfonso could hear her quiet sniffles and choked back sobs, wanting to reach out and comfort her but knowing he couldn’t. What could he say? What could he do? There was nothing.

She pulled herself together, scrubbing her face of any lone tears, and looked up at him, forcing him to make eye contact with her and see the soul-crushing pain she was in. “I can’t do this, Alfonso. We both know I won’t survive it. So please, please keep that in mind when I tell you this.” “Tell me what? Delilah, what did you do?” “I…I called Carmen. She knows where we are. She told the Guild. The executioners are after us.” “You did what?! Delilah, qué demonios, have you lost your mind??” “Actually, it’s because I haven’t lost my mind that I called her. A decision needs to be made, Alfonso. And if anyone should make it, it’s me.”

“The way I see it, there are three outcomes here and only one where someone comes out of this alive. One, the Guild catches up to us and kills us both. Me because I’m a lost cause and you because, well, that’s what they were hired for. Two, we run and I turn into a vampire. I kill you out of hunger and then get hunted down by either the Guild or another vampire. Either way, we’re both dead. Or three, you kill me here and now before they get here and run, giving yourself a fighting chance to survive. That’s it. There are no other options.” It was true. It was reasonable. And Alfonso knew that. But his heart still didn’t want to admit to it, didn’t want to admit that there was no way out with his love coming with him.

“Delilah, poppy, I-I can’t do this. I can’t, I won’t.” “So you’d rather the execution squad do it instead? I’m sure they’ll be a lot less merciful.” She raised an eyebrow at him, making him grit his teeth in frustration. Why wouldn’t she listen? “That’s not the point!” “Yes, it is! That’s the entire point! Alfonso, you’ve been calling the shots this entire trip. And for good reason too. But just this once, can’t I?” Delilah stepped forward, taking his hands into her own and forcing him to look at her. “Please. You gave Erica a choice, you made her death peaceful. The executioners won’t have the same level of care as you. I know what I’m asking of you and I know it’s an impossible thing to do but I’m still going to ask. If I have to go, the least I can do is make it on my terms. Won’t you let me have that?”

He hated this. He hated this. Why did everything he cared about get taken from him? Why couldn’t he have this one thing? He didn’t even realize he was crying until he felt Delilah’s hands brush at his cheeks. “I don’t want to lose you.” His voice was small and watery, almost broken. “Not like I’ve lost everything else. I just wanted this one thing to myself. Why couldn’t the universe just let me have this?” His cracking facade broke and the floodgates opened, collapsing into Delilah’s arms as sobs ripped from his chest. Alfonso knew it would come to this eventually but he had hoped, prayed, begged of the cosmos that it wouldn’t be this soon. He held her in a vice grip like she’d disappear if he didn’t hold on tight enough, burying his face in her shoulder.

Alfonso could feel her hands in his hair, combing through it and smoothing down his curls in that gentle way she did, could hear her soft voice trying to comfort him over the sound of his muffled sobs, could smell her lingering perfume clinging to her clothes. This was what he was going to lose. And he’d rather be struck down where he stood than let someone else give her anything but the most gentle way out. She was right. If there really was no way out, the least he could do was fulfill her final request for her. He pulled his head out of her neck to look into her eyes. “I’ll do it.” His voice was still weak but still confident and sure. And the relief that passed over her face was like warm honey to his soul. “Oh thank you thank you thank you, I know this is an impossible request but I just…don’t want it to be some clinical afterthought. I know you’ll take care of me.” “Of course I will poppy. Anything.” He gave her one last squeeze, memorizing everything about her that he could before stepping back. “Now, try and get comfortable. I know that’s a little hard out here but we can try.”

After a few minutes, Delilah was set up on her knees on his cape that she’d folded to give some padding. Alfonso was sure she noticed the way his hands were shaking as he drew his pistol. It was the same motions he’d done a hundred times before but this time felt so much heavier. He wasn’t sure if he should laugh or cry at the way she smiled as he lifted the pistol to fire. “I’ll never forget you, my poppy.” “I sure hope not, not after all this.” “I-I love you.” “I love you too, Alfonso. Always and forever.” The last thing he saw was her beautiful face before he squeezed his eyes shut and pulled the trigger.

His heart fell to the ground with a thud in time with her body. He didn’t want to open his eyes. If he opened them, it’d be real. He’d have to admit that he couldn’t save her and he was forced to do the thing he’d hoped he’d never have to do since the beginning. But he had to get moving. Delilah had given him the chance to go, to live on, to carry her memory with him, he had to take it before it was too-

“Stop! Drop your weapon!”

Late. He was too late. Once again. And now he’d pay the price for it. He opened his eyes to find himself surrounded by some of the Guild’s best and brightest, dressed all in black like the elements of death they were.

Alfonso dropped his pistol, lifting his hands to show he was no threat. “Go ahead. Kill me. I’m not going to fight you on it.” The squad seemed a little taken aback by his compliance but said nothing. The leader stepped over Delilah’s body, pressing the barrel of his gun to Alfonso’s forehead. “Any last words, Alfonso?”

Alfonso could only chuckle, tilting his head up to the stars as far as the executioner would allow. “Espérame, mi amapola. Así que no tenemos que estar solos al otro lado.”

He wouldn’t be able to carry on her memory, to take the second chance he’d given her, to live his life the way she would’ve wanted him to. The least he could do was make sure she wasn’t lonely in the great beyond.

“May you find the peace you fought for so valiantly in the next life, Alfonso Villalba.”

With a click and a bang, it was all over. A tragic, bloody ending to an equally tragic, bloody story with only one remaining to tell it.

~~

If anyone ever asked Carmen what her most treasured memory was, she’d smile sadly before saying one thing.

“Let me tell you the story of the Matador Gothic.”

(And because I'm both cruel and unusual, here's the symbolism for those of you who want that extra bit of pain. I named her Delilah because Alfonso is Catholic and in the Bible there's the story of Samson, one of God's strongest soldiers, who got tricked into giving up his power by a woman named Delilah. Alfonso gave up everything to be with his love. I chose the nickname Poppy because poppies, according to the language of flowers, mean eternal sleep and oblivion. A tasty lil morsel of tragic foreshadowing.

Go check out my Ao3 for more unrelenting sadness)

[ac3-silvers]

Is it weird for me to be worried about my latest hyperfixation/plot bunny?

Below the cut is an explaination.

Tl/dr: added a bunch of like pagan themes and my version of “western fantasy” and found family tropes and species bending to a Xianxia/Wuxia setting (MXTX triple fusion) and I’m worried people will find it problematic if I post it. All pagan stuff is also “weird” bc it’s my flavor of it and I add more bits when I write it for stories of any kind. Main guy mostly just acts as a dad and is always running around trying to avoid people who he doesn’t want to find him unless he needs to trade for certain things like fabric because everyone is suspicious of him and it gets worse when they learn he’s an “alternate type of cultivator” and actually foreign and stuff. Like, it’s HIM being assimilated and not the other way around even if he’s sharing like a couple crafts, what he grew up speaking and writing, some recipes and stuff you’d learn if you lived in the wilds and had an arborist-holistic doctor-type for a mom figure.

Edits: added more clarification, main concern is white savior and I’m doing as much as I can to avoid that bullshit but I’m still worried as fuck bc I don’t want to seem like an asshole or something.

Like, I tend to have phases for fandoms, sure, but I also have them for tropes/concepts I like to write.

So I’m in a MXTX/Danmei phase fandom wise, and I’m in a general “fix it before the shit can go south” phase, and now I’m layering on my paganism-in-everything phase once again and writing a “what if all MXTX novels are in the same world… and a very powerful druid-witch dude happens to stumble onto our favorite red-and-black boys and a (good number of) handful(s) of other fucked over kids… which activates his horrible, horrible dad instincts and he adopts every last one of them” thing.

It’s 3 chapters deep, has a bunch of random shit ranging from discussion of languages and their quirks, basic Irish lessons (bc teaching myself off and on for YEARS), pagan/wiccan shit (obviously), handicrafts, hunting, practical foraging and ultra-sustainable farming practices, how major religions stamp out smaller or “bad” ones…

It’s basically just what I write for my Og stuff but I’m not holding back at ALL and it’s MXTX. Main plot is MDZS but Binghe and Hua Cheng are the frustratingly ridiculous older brothers of the family that the dad-character is just sick and tired of listening to them pine and suspicious as hell about who they’re going after despite not wanting to even THINK about his boys being in romantic relationships with ANYONE.

Just… goofy happy but dramatic family shit and cute kids and teens bringing a shitload of foreign mythology and pagan culture and a hefty dash of my personal style of fantasy into the Xianxia/Wuxia world.

I just worry I might get flack for like destroying the culture and setting with… what I write about for the most part outside of like the vast majority of my fics.

Am I going nuts, or is this okay?

Edit for a clarification: I’m worried, as someone mentioned, of a white savior trope problem. I’m mainly trying to get out of that corner I seem to have driven myself in, but generally how it’s going so far is:

- cultivators are suspicious of foreign guy who’s apparently not just some weird merchant, this causes issues

- OC is more just trying to keep the kids he ends up running around with from doing stupid shit like pulling stupid stunts to be with people they declare their soul mates after like one brief interaction (and he fails a lot and gets all “I’m not mad I’m just disappointed. Now eat your dinner and go take a bath, you stink and are too thin again.”)

- major difference for whole setting is just some one off things here and there being introduced and made more common in a warped timeline (mostly just like fiber arts and some recipes and minor things that aren’t as obvious right off the bat like how ginkgo trees are in the same family as poison Ivy and stuff like that)

Generally the entire fic is just very done dad yelling at stupid teenagers for being stupid teenagers and having to dodge people who don’t like the weird wild man and judging him for not being able to read Chinese well and stuff.

Yet I’m still worried about white savior issues… because they’re an issue.

[dialovers-translations]

Diabolik Lovers LOST EDEN ー Carla Ecstasy [09]

ー The scene starts in Yui’s bedroom

Yui: ...I’m pretty much done packing my things but...

Haah...

( All I’ve been able to do is sigh this whole time. )

( I just don’t want to go to the Vibora Castle and leave Carla-san behind... )

( Endzeit is a terminal illness. Which means, he doesn’t have much time... )

( I don’t want to think about that. I don’t, butーー )

...Haah...

*Knock knock*

Yui: ...Yes?

ー Kino enters her room

Kino: Hey there, Eve. You’re leaving for the Vibora Castle soon, aren’t you?

Yui: Yeah...

Kino: Ahーah. You’re looking pretty gloomy. I guess you’re worried about Mr. King after all?

Yui: ...I’m worried sick, I don’t know what to do.

Kino: Oh geez, do you really need to act as if it’s the end of the world? 

Yui: Yes. ...It is after all. 

If something were to happen to Carla-san, then that’s basically the end of the world for me.

Kino: ...Huh? Could it be, you haven’t heard yet?

Yui: ...?

Kino: That disease...Endzeit, was it? It can be cured, you know?

Yui: ...Eh?

...Did you just say that there’s a cure for Endzeit?

Kino: Yeah, I did?

Yui: ( ...! I wasn’t just hearing things. )

Really!? How can it be cured!? Hey, tell me! Quickly!!

Kino: Yeah, yeah, relax. Seems like the gasses at Rotigenberg are highly effective against the disease. 

Yui: The ones at Rotigenberg...?

Kino: Yeah. That’s why he should get better if he stays there for a while. 

Yui: ...That’s all?

Kino: Probably. I’m no specialist on the matter, so I can’t give you any more details.

Yui: ...

( Now that he mentions it, Carla-san did mention feeling better while we stayed there... )

ーー I’ll go see Carla-san!

ー Yui runs off

Kino: Sure thing! Have a safe trip~!

...Heh.

ー The scene shifts to Carla’s room

*Thud* 

Yui: Carla-san!

Carla: ...What is happening, Yui?

Yui: I-I’m sorry...!

( What am I doing? I can’t believe I stormed into the room of a sick person... )

Carla: ...No, I do not mind. What is the matter?

Yui: Well, I...I was informed!

Carla: Hm...?

Yui: You can be cured of Endzeit if you go to Rotigenberg!

Kino-kun told me that the gasses there are an effective cure for it!

Carla: ...So it was Kino after all...

Yui: Carla-san, let’s go to Rotigenberg! As soon as possible!

Carla: ...

...No. That will not be necessary.

Yui: Eh...? Why not!? Even though you know it could cure your illness...

Carla: More importantly, have you finished packing? You should be leaving for the Vibora Castle shortly.

Yui: Don’t worry about me. Don’t change he subject!

Carla: ...

Yui: Anyway, let’s get you ready for departure. I’ll pack your baーー

Carla: I told you that will not be necessary. 

Yui: Carla-san!?

Carla: Leave me alone.

Yui: ...!

( Eh? ーー ‘Leave me alone’? What does he mean? Why would he say such a thing...? )

...I understand very well how much this disease is making you suffer.

So why wouldn’t you want to cure it?

Carla: ...

Yui: Answer me, Carla-san!!

Carla: ...You want to know that badly?

Yui: Of course!

( Whenver Carla-san says something which doesn’t make sense, there’s always some kind of deeper reasoning behind it. )

( So I’m sure that’s the case this time as well...! )

Carla: Then let me answer you. I amーー tired of this.

Yui: Tired...?

Carla: Of this world, of living. I am done with everything. 

Yui: ...!!

Selection

→ Tell him not to lie

Yui: Please don’t lie to me!

Carla: I am not.

Yui: There is just no way!

You said that you would rise to the top of the hierarchy. That is why you have been doing everything within your ability as a King!

You were always positive about the future. Yet...!

Carla: People change. That goes for everyone, whether you are a Vampire or a Founder. 

It is not strange for me to have had a change of heart. Am I wrong?

Yui: Ugh...

→ Ask him why (❦)

Yui: Why would you say that?

Carla: No reason in particular. I am simply stating the truth.

Yui: That doesn’t make sense. That completely contradicts everything you have stood for up till now!

Carla: ...

Yui: You have always remained positive, trying your hardest as a King. 

You were someone beaming with confidence, proud of your own life! So...Why?

Carla: ...

Everything in this world is subjected to change.

...There you have it.

Yui: ...

Carla: ...I am exhausted. Would you let me rest for a bit?

Yui: ...

Okay...

ー Yui leaves him room

Carla: Yui...

Monologue

I wonder why Carla-san refuses,

to go to Rotigenberg? 

Even though he is suffering day in, day out,

as a result of Endzeit’s terminal symptoms...

I find it difficult to believe, that he has truly grown tired of this World (この世に飽きた). 

I wonder if someone’s thoughts, can truly change in such a short period of time?

Could it be due to the illness as well...?

My head is full of questions marks (疑問符).

Does he truly have no other reason...?

While I am debating over that,

the moment where I have to leave for the Vibora Castle draws closer.

What on earth should I do...? 

ーー TO BE CONTINUED ーー

[gnabnahc317cb97]

A History of Pain Part 1

Bang Chan x Female reader

Word count: 7.6K

Synopsis: You've come back to Korea to stay and start living with your adopted brother Minho and his friends, one of which, Chan, you can't help but be drawn to despite your brother's warnings to both of you. When people from your childhood and the things that happened to you keep coming up, you're forced to face things from your past and present. Will you be okay or will the time bomb that is your history finally blow up in your face?

Warnings for this series: This story will have elements of death and flashbacks to abuse (mental, physical and sexual) throughout. It will not be explicit or overly detailed, but it will be a vital part of the plot. If that is a topic that can be triggering or make you uncomfortable, I would suggest skipping this series! There will also be strong language/cursing, adult content, and sexual themes throughout but not in every part so I will be adding warnings for each part accordingly. If I ever miss something that should be in the warnings, PLEASE let me know and I will add it! This is and Idol AU so while they are in a group together it is not Stray Kids, hence no Jeongin and Seungmin and even though a company is mentioned it is not JYP. Just for clarification these are characters and not ment to portray the actual people in any way.

Pt. 1 Warnings: Not much in this one really, suggestive but nothing explicit, night terrors depicted, mentions of nudity. I think that's all. Again let me know if I missed anything!

You weaved your way through the Incheon International airport scanning the faces in the crowd looking for your big brother, who was supposed to be picking you up after your eighteen-hour flight. What you found instead was a stuffy looking chauffeur holding a sign with your name on it. You walked up to the man and pointed at the sign. 

“I’m Lee Y/N.” He looked at you funny and continued to scan the people behind you. You rolled your eyes. You had dealt with things like this your whole life, ever since the Lee’s had adopted you. Your family was Korean and you, very obviously weren’t. You sighed. 

“Minho sent you I assume...” When you mentioned your brother’s name the driver seemed to realize you were in fact telling the truth about who you were. 

“Yes, ma’am. I am to take you to the dorm where he will escort you to your parent’s house.” You nodded, tossed your book bag at him and slid your suitcase over. 

“Whatever you say Jeeves. I’m beat let’s go!” He let out an exasperated sigh and lead you towards the exit. When you were settled in the car you pulled out your phone to call your brother and bitch him out for not at least warning you he wasn’t able to get you. It rang twice and he answered.

"Heeey Minhooo, landed safely. You forget to mention something?" Minho face palmed himself.

"I'm sorry! It’s been a while since you’ve been home. Things have gotten a little crazy. I had to send a company car. I’m so so sorry I meant to tell you I’ve just been so busy with work I forgot." It had been a long time since you’d been there.

You had missed Minho and your parents so much but you had been attending university in America and it wasn’t always easy to get back home. You knew Minho and his rap group had been doing well but when you were in your bubble in America following Korean hip hop groups, even your brother's, wasn’t on the top of your priority list. Whenever you spoke to Minho he was more concerned about how your schooling was going, if you were okay, and updating you on the parents and the cats. Not his career. You wanted to give him a little grief but you were too tired. 

"It’s okay Min, don’t worry about it." You slunk down in your seat, giving in this time.

"Look I’m still at the studio right now. I’ll have to take you to mom and dad’s tomorrow so when you get to the dorm just take the guest room and make yourself at home okay? The guys are gone for the weekend. I’ll let you know when I’m leaving and I’ll take you to dinner to make up for it." The promise of dinner perked you back up, especially if your brother was paying.

"Okay, sounds good. Love you." Minho hummed.

"Hmmmm... ew." And you groaned.

"God you’re such an ass." He laughed.

"Love you too." You gave him a hum this time.

"Mmhmm that’s better. See you later." You hung up and looked out the window as you neared your destination.

When you got to the dorm the driver carried your bags up and put them by the door. 

“Will there be anything else ma’am?” You shook your head. 

“That will be all Jeeves thanks a million!” He shook his head and left. You typed in the key code Minho had given you and went in, dragging your bags behind you. It was a nice place but very clearly lived in by men. There was more weight equipment than furniture in the living room and nothing in the form of pictures or art on the walls. One thing they did have on the wall was a giant tv and video games piled up underneath of course. Off the living room there was a hall. You went down it and investigated. You opened every door trying to get your bearings and figure out where everything was. The first door you opened had a bed a dresser and more weights than the damn living room did. The next room was just a bed, a dresser, and a night stand. There were a few framed pictures and a book on the night stand. Minimal, clean. You didn’t even have to look twice to know it was Minho’s room. The room next to your brother’s looked like a clothes bomb went off in it. Jisung was the only one of the guys you had ever met and from the things your brother had told you about him this was almost definitely his room. The next room had a bed and a desk and a dresser but not much else, similar to Minho’s. Minimal and clean. There was a computer and lot of DJ equipment on the desk and a big set of noise cancelling headphones. You pulled that door closed and opened the one across the hall from it. A bed, a dresser, a night stand, and nothing else. This was clearly the guest room. You sat your stuff down and finished exploring.  

Right at the very end of the hall was the bathroom. You cringed at the idea of a bunch of men sharing one bathroom but when you peeked in you were pleasantly surprised to see that it was rather big with a nice tub and you found it remarkably clean, although, with Minho living there perhaps it shouldn’t have been so surprising. He was a bit of a neat freak at times. You quickly peeked in the other two rooms across the hall. One practically looked like an art studio with a bed and the other had probably the most gaming equipment you’d ever seen per square foot. 

Once you were acquainted with the place you decided to take advantage of that huge tub you saw and take a hot bath. You were exhausted and stunk after that flight and Minho had told you to make yourself at home. You dipped into his room and rummaged through his dresser looking for your favorite t-shirt of his.

You looked down at his night stand and saw the pictures he had set up. One of your parents, you and Minho from the last Christmas you were able to visit, another of Soonie, Doongie, and Dori all wearing top hats and bow ties, and then one of you and Minho the day you were officially adopted. You both had your arms wrapped around each other. You with a giant smile on your face, Minho and his permanent grimace. You picked it up and looked at it smiling remembering this day because it was the day you found out you had a REAL big brother and you were so happy. You fought off the tears of the memory, put the picture back, grabbed the t-shirt, and went to dig out some sweat pants and your travel toiletries.

You ran the bath almost hotter than you could stand it, added some bubble bath you nosed around under the sink for and lit a couple of candles that you had found under there as well. You climbed in and drew the curtain mostly closed. You leaned back in the tub soaking in the warmth of, not only the water but the candle light. You were just drifting into a quiet relaxation, finally, after that shitty eighteen-hour flight when suddenly that peace went out the metaphorical door with the opening of the literal door.

You were a bit startled to see standing there, absolutely bewildered, a guy probably around your brother’s age. Cute, broad shoulders, a mess of curls and confusion. Luckily you weren’t an idiot. Even though it was just supposed to be you and Minho you had pulled the curtain most of the way closed for just this reason, so now there was no way the man standing there could see your nude body even if you were fully submerged in bubbles. The curtain was open only enough for you to see out of as you laid there. The man stood there speechless. 

“Can I help you?” You finally asked as he just looked at you blankly, his mouth agape. He shook his head and quickly looked away realizing he was staring at you while you were naked in a bathtub. 

“I-I-I…” His ears turned bright red and he stammered until he finally cleared his throat. 

“What are you doing?” You quirked your eyebrow at him. 

“Well, I WAS relaxing in the tub…” The guy shook his head still keeping his eyes directed anywhere but you. 

“No, I mean who are you?!” You sighed heavily. 

“Who are you? You walked in on me?” He couldn’t help but finally look at you again. Your eyes locking, an incredulous expression plastered on his face. 

“Yea in MY bathroom!” You shrugged. 

“Fair enough but to be fair to me, it’s also my brother’s bathroom.” God had Minho not even bothered to warn them you would be here JUST in case? You suddenly fought back the urge to giggle when you saw curly had the confused face again.  

“I think you must have the wrong place because I know all my friend’s sisters.” You shrugged your shoulders again.  

“Well clearly you don’t because my brother lives here and I’ve never met you in my life.” Curly man shook his head. 

“No sorry it’s just not possible, no one I live with is American.” This. Again. You shook your head sarcastically in reply. 

“My brother is Korean. I’m adopted.” His face fell a little when you said that. 

“Oh...” You could hear the pity in the two-letter word. You waved him off. 

“Spare me. That was the easiest part of my life. Look sorry, I’m not sure why my brother never told you about me but I assure you he does in fact live here.” You were starting to get irritated with this guy questioning you.  

“How are you SO certain your brother lives here?!” He was clearly losing his patience as well. You were good at wearing that down in people, though it wasn’t always intentional. 

“Because JERK! He had a car drop me off here, I used the code to get into the place, and I’ve already been in his room and saw all his stuff. I snatched a shirt I bought him for Christmas, saw pictures of OUR family. THAT’S how I know. Now if you don’t mind I just got off an airplane that I was in for almost an entire day and it’s hard to relax when there’s a strange man watching me in the tub!” His eyes quickly flew away as if he’d just realized again that he shouldn’t be looking at you, even if the curtain kept you from being exposed. You were taking a mental note, two strikes now, you needed to give Minho a piece of your mind when he got home.  

“Look I’m sorry. I-I... didn’t realize... I’ll leave you to finish. Sorry.” His whole face was red now. He left quickly and you felt a little bad for being so difficult. You could have just said your brother was Minho. It wasn’t his fault any more than it was yours that Minho failed to mention you would be there let alone existed and he seemed like he genuinely meant his apology once he’d realized his mistake. You sighed, blew out the candles and pulled the plug to drain the water. You got out and started drying off and getting dressed.

When you walked out you took your dirty clothes and towel into your room and realized the door to the room across from yours was cracked. You heard soft r&b music coming from it and someone singing. You walked over peeking in. Your eyes went wide and your heart rate picked up a little. Mr. curly man had his back to you, his shirt off, the muscles of his back flexed and relaxed with every movement he made as he folded clothes and sang along to the song that you now realized was Dive In by Trey Songz. His voice was pretty.

You bit your lip as he bent down, unable to stop yourself from checking out his ass in the basketball shorts he was wearing. God he was REALLY cute and the way he was singing that song made you feel things. You didn’t know what to think, you usually didn’t give two shits about guys, relationships, or sex but there was something about him that struck a chord with you.

He turned and you quickly ducked back so that he wouldn’t see you spying. You waited a couple of minutes, then tapped the door frame and pushed the door open a little more. He stopped singing and turned towards you. The front of him looked even better than the back and then you noticed him holding a pair of black briefs he’d been folding. Now your ears were burning red. You cleared your throat looking at the underwear in his hands. When you did he snatched the underwear behind his back, hiding them out of your sight. 

“Ahem... Uh... hey. Um... I just wanted to say sorry. I didn’t mean to be such a pain in the ass. I’m just tired and grumpy from the flight and I was caught off guard, I didn’t think anyone else was going to be here. My name is Lee Y/N, I’m Minho’s little sister.” The man’s jaw dropped.  

“MINHO HAS A LITTLE SISTER?!” You would have laughed at his reaction if you weren’t so irritated that your brother had not disclosed this information to everyone and you were unsure as to why.  

“I’m Chan... er... uh, or Chris. Sorry I didn’t mean to shout it’s just he’s never mentioned you before. Wow Minho’s little sister.” You shrugged your shoulders. 

“I’m not sure why he hasn’t, he has pictures of us in his room.” The gorgeous man, who you now knew was... Chan or Chris? He looked shocked again. 

“That’s you?! Oh! I always wondered who that was in those photos! Lee Know is kind of private about his family life so I never asked. I just kind of assumed you were and old classmate or maybe an ex-girlfriend since he never talked about it.” You smiled at him. 

“Nope. Sister. Either way, I’m sorry for the confusion and for being rude to you Chan.” He scoffed and flashed a bright smile back at you. 

“No, you weren’t really. Also knowing that you grew up with Lee Know your reaction makes so much sense now.” He laughed and his dimples popped out. You couldn’t help but smile back. He was cute and sweet; you felt your face getting red.

Thankfully before you could complete the transformation into a tomato you heard the man of the hour come walking into the dorm. You went out into the living room, shirtless Chan following closely behind. When Minho saw him there, he got a very serious look on his face. 

“What are you doing here Chan?” Chan scoffed. 

“I live here Minho.” Minho shook his head. 

“No, I mean everyone was supposed to be gone this weekend.” Chan nodded. 

“Yea, everyone but me is. I had work I was hoping to do with a little peace and quiet.” Minho eyed shirtless Chan up and down suspiciously. 

“What were you doing back there with my sister?” Chan’s eyes went wide and his ears got red. His mouth opened ready to defend himself of any wrong doing but you immediately interrupted Minho’s line of questioning. You were tired, confused, pissed, hurt.  

“He was finding out you had one asshole.” Minho looked at you and quiet, angry, tears had started welling in your eyes. You stormed off to what was your room for the time being and slammed the door closed. Minho hadn’t made you cry very many times in your life but every time he ever had he felt so guilty. You had been sad enough for an entire lifetime already and he had promised to always protect you. He ran his hand down his face, sighed, and turned towards Chan again. 

“Ugh. SHIT! I wish you would’ve told me you were going to be here.” Chan shook his head at Minho. 

“Why wouldn’t you just mention that you have a sister Minho?!” Minho pushed his fingers into his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. 

“She’s dealt with a lot in her past and I wanted to protect her from this part of my life for as long as possible. You know how these people get Chan. All I need is for the wrong person to get the wrong idea and then the next thing you know she’s being accused of dating one of us or fucking all of us and then her life story is plastered all over the paper. I don’t need anyone digging into her life and dredging up old shit.” Chan huffed a heavy breath out. 

“But not even us man? You couldn’t even tell us?” Minho shook his head. 

“No. She was far away at school and happy that’s all I cared about. No one asked so I just didn’t say. Jisungie figured it out a couple years ago when she was back for Christmas, I made him swear not to tell anyone. Chan I just wanted to try and keep her as far from all of this as possible, that’s why I never told you guys.” Chan understood a thing or two about being protective. He had a little sister too and God knows she’s had to deal with her own share of what this life brought with it but Chan also knew that he wouldn’t always be able to shield her from it and neither could Minho with you. 

“Look you go smooth things over with your sister and I’ll order take out for dinner.” Minho nodded  

“Okay, yea. Maybe put on a shirt too.” Chan laughed and Minho shot him a glare. 

“God calm down I’ll put a shirt on.” Chan started to make the call for dinner as your brother headed towards your room. Minho tapped on the door and cracked it open looking in. 

“Y/N?” You didn’t reply to him, you just sniffled laying on the bed curled up with your back to the door. Minho walked over and sat on the edge of the bed trying to figure out what to say. Before he could say anything though you spoke. 

“Are you ashamed that I’m your sister?” All of Minho’s breath left his body and his eyes went wide. He turned towards you, grabbed your shoulder, and made you look at him. 

“HEY NO! No no, that’s not what this is about Y/N. You just... things are different here now because of my job and it can be hard on our families and friends. It’s not fair but it’s how it is. I just didn’t want you hurt getting caught up in gossip or lies. I just wanted to protect you.” You sat up and hugged your brother glad to know that he wasn’t embarrassed by you, that he was only doing what he always did, trying to protect you. At first Minho sat there just letting you hug him but eventually he put his arms around you, hugging you back. 

“Well, however different things are here now, I’m just gonna have to get used to it Min.” Minho pulled away looking at you confused. 

“What do you mean?” You had something you had been keeping secret also and it was time to spill the beans.  

“I’m back for good Minho. I’m moving back to Korea.” He didn’t understand. 

“Wait... how? You didn’t finish your degree in 4 years.” You shook your head and chewed your lip. 

“No. I didn’t. Look Min there’s a lot to talk about concerning America and school and I’m exhausted from the flight. Can we talk about it tomorrow?” Minho wanted to press you but decided after he had kind of kept your existence secret from the guys the least he could do was let you rest before hounding you about school. 

“Okay. But we ARE talking about this tomorrow!” He put out his pinky and you wrapped yours around it and nodded. 

“Alright come on Chan’s ordering dinner.” You all settled in the living room, Chan now wearing a shirt, and watched a movie while you waited for the food to show up. Minho fought the urge to interrogate you about school and moving home and Chan fought the urge to steal glances at you any time he was certain Minho wasn’t looking.

As soon as he’d seen you earlier he had immediately wondered why there was a gorgeous woman in his tub. He was sure you had noticed him turning red, his skin was on fire almost as soon as he saw you. It’s why he’d taken his shirt off when he’d gone into his room, trying to cool down. Then suddenly you were in his doorway. Your brother’s shirt swallowed you but you looked cute and comfy and Chan was standing there shirtless with his underwear in his hands like an idiot. He was embarrassed as hell when he realized but you had been gracious and acted like you hadn’t seen anything which Chan had been thankful for. Then you said you were Minho’s sister and his brain exploded.

Now he was sitting there with both of you trying not to stare at you and totally failing. When there was a knock at the door Chan sprung up quickly to answer it. 

“Food’s here!” Chan went to get it while you and Minho went to sit at the table in the kitchen. When Chan was back with the food he found Minho sitting at one end of the table and you sitting to the side of him. There was a seat next to you and then one on the other side of Minho across from you. Chan really wanted to sit next to you but he also didn’t have a death wish so he sat across from you, next to Minho, and started passing out food. Chan handed you your food. 

“I wasn’t sure what you like or would want so I got you jajangmyeon like me, I hope that’s okay.” You smiled at him brightly. 

“That’s perfect, I’m bad at spice and I haven’t had it in FOREVER!” You quickly opened the dish and Chan smiled ear to ear, happy to know he’d made a good choice for you.  

“I don’t do spicey either! Well, I try some times, usually when your brother encourages it but it never ends well.” Chan laughed. You all ate and conversated a while, talking about your flight, what it was like growing up with Minho, how things were going for the guys who’s names you were trying to remember. 

“So let me see, I think I have it. Felix, Jisung, who I know, well I have met, Changbin, Chan... Chan... I’m missing one.” Minho laughed. 

“Hyunjin.” You snapped your fingers. 

“Shit! Hyunjin!” You all laughed. 

“Once you meet Hyunjin I’m sure you’ll never forget him again.” Minho stopped laughing and glared at Chan. You continued laughing. 

“What does that mean?” Minho shifted in his seat very much so disliking the direction this converstation seemed to be going. He didn’t want you to think of his friends like that and he CERTAINLY didn’t want them thinking of you like that. Chan elaborated. 

“Most women tend to remember Hyunjin once they’ve seen him. Hyunjin is... cute.” Chan giggled. It was adorable how he laughed like that sometimes. Like a kid at a sleep over trying to stay quiet. 

“Oh? Is he as cute as you are?” Chan turned beet red and he almost choked on his food while your brother immediately cleared his throat. 

“AHEHEHEM! Okay! Y/N I’ll clean up here! Why don’t you go get some sleep since your exhausted from your flight. Yea?” You rolled your eyes at your brother. You were tired though and now full, so you decided it probably was time for bed. You walked over and poked the tip of Minho’s nose. 

“Goodnight grump. Love you.” He made a disgusted face but still made you hug him before he’d let you leave. You walked over and gave Chan a hug from behind. He froze. His arms at his sides and his eyes on Minho who was staring daggers at him. 

“Goodnight Channie. Thanks for the dinner.” You smiled at him and he cleared the lump from his throat. 

“Oh uh... you're welcome. Goodnight Y/N.” You headed through the living room towards your room. Once Minho heard your door click he pointed at Chan. 

“Don’t.” Chan’s eyes went wide. 

“Don’t what?!” Minho rolled his eyes. 

“I’m not blind. Seriously don’t Chan. She’s been through enough.” Chan shook his head. 

“Nonono Lee Know you’ve got it all wrong...” He had it 100% right. 

“It’s not like that!” It definitely was. You gave him butterflies and goosebumps and made his head feel all swimmy but the fact that Minho was your brother, one, terrified him, and two, meant that he had to be respectful and treat you as if you were his own sister. 

“Whatever you say Chan. She’s never been interested boyfriends or dating anyway but just remember this conversation and don’t feel bad because as soon as the rest of the guys are home we’ll be having the exact same talk. She is off limits, out of bounds. Understood?” Chan nodded nervously. Minho cleared the table and headed to bed and Chan went to finish some work in his room. When he got to his door he turned and looked at yours and smiled, then went into his room and shut the door. He put on his headphones and started working feeling more inspired than ever.  

In the middle of the night, after Chan had called it quits on the track he was working on and finally went to bed, he was woken up by a blood curdling scream. His eyes shot open and he leapt from his bed to try to locate the source, forgetting that you were there until he made it to the hall and Minho was already running past him and into your room.

Chan followed him in thinking you were being attacked or something but when he got in there you were alone and thrashing on the bed screaming. Pleas for help falling in between ear-piercing screams. Minho wrapped his arms around you so you wouldn’t hurt yourself, got close to your ear and started whispering something. 

“You’re home, you’re safe, I’m here, it’s okay, wake up Y/N, wake up.” You stopped screaming and convulsing and started calming down. Minho kept whispering. 

“Wake up Y/N, wake up.” Your eyes fluttered open and you found yourself in a bear hug by Minho, a worried expression on his face and you saw Chan standing there totally shell shocked. You didn’t remember anything but you knew what had happened without your brother telling you. You’d had another night terror. It was always overwhelming after having one, whether you remembered it or not. You started to cry and Minho just held you and hugged you tightly. 

“It’s okay. You’re alright.” Minho looked over his shoulder at Chan. 

“Chan.” He stood there his heart still pounding out of his chest.  

“Chan!” Chan snapped out of it and looked at Minho. 

“Will you grab some water for her please?” Chan nodded and headed straight to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water for you from the fridge. He stopped for a second to take a couple of deep breaths and get a hold of himself. Chan had never seen anything like that before. It was like you were possessed or something. When Chan got back to your room you and Minho were both sitting up in your bed and Minho had managed to calm you down for the most part. Chan walked up to the side of your bed and handed you the bottle of water. You took it and gave him a small smile. 

“Thank you Chan.” Your voice was quiet and you wouldn’t look him in the eye. You were embarrassed he’d seen you like that. You couldn’t control it but still, it was embarrassing. You took a drink of the water Chan brought you and your brother pushed a bit of hair out of your eyes. 

“I thought you weren’t having these anymore?” He questioned you now that you were calm. You shook your head. 

“I haven’t been. I think it was just exhaustion from the flight Min, really. I’m okay now.” Minho pressed his lips together not fully believing you. 

“Really Minho, I am, I’m okay.” He nodded and gave you a kiss on the forehead. Chan had never seen Minho treat any human like the way he was with you. Tender, gentle. An animal sure, people no. He was caring but in other ways except with you apparently, which Chan was taking note of.  

“Okay, if you can’t fall back asleep promise you’ll come wake me up.” You agreed and Minho got up to head back to his own bed in his own room and Chan followed. 

“Thanks again for the water Chan.” He turned back and gave you a half smile that made one of his dimples pop out again.  

“No problem Y/N, sleep well.” He pulled your door closed heading back to his own room as well. Minho stopped him. 

“When I say she’s been through a lot this is the kind of stuff I’m talking about Chan. Okay? Stuff she still has night terrors about. She had a HARD life before she came to live with our family. You get what I’m saying?” Chan shook his head and Minho headed to his room.

The rest of the night was peaceful but Chan only half slept, keeping and ear out for you just in case. Minho woke up first in the morning and started coffee and breakfast. You came stumbling out when you smelled the bacon. You drug yourself into the kitchen like a zombie. You had slept okay the rest of the night but jet lag was still kicking your ass. 

“Before you even think about speaking to me you better have caffeine.” Your brother scoffed. 

“Yes your highness, the royal coffee is ready.” You put your finger to your lips. 

“Shhhh shh shh, no words just point me in the direction of the coffee.” Minho laughed. He walked up behind you placing his hands on your shoulders and turning you a little to the left where you saw the coffee pot. 

“Ahhh black gold.” You brother shook his head and went back to cooking. 

“That’s oil.” You grabbed a mug. 

“Maybe to you. This is worth more than any petrol to me.” He laughed and set a plate of food on the table. 

“Eat up, we gotta go see the parents.” You sat down with your coffee and started to eat the breakfast Minho made you. 

“You’ve gotten really good at cooking Min.” He smiled at you and gave you a little bow. 

“Looks like the coffee is working already. Maybe it is more valuable than petrol.” You flipped your brother off as Chan came into the kitchen and you suddenly wished you had made a trip to the bathroom to wash up a bit before coming out there. You were certain you looked like death. Chan looked adorable of course. His curls were even messier than they had been the night before and his eyes were puffy and half closed. He looked like he was sleep walking but then he spoke to you. 

“Good morning.” His voice was deep and sleepy it made you wonder if he would sound like that if you had woken up next to him. What?! You needed to keep those thoughts out of your brain. You shook your head and smiled at him. 

“Good morning Chan.” He smiled back and his eyes actually did close. He was so cute sleepy like that. Minho put another plate down on the table. 

“Eat up Chan.” Chan opened his eyes again. His smile got bigger and he groaned, another sound your imagination didn’t need to go running wild with either. 

“Ughh! Yes! Thanks Minho! I have to go to yoga soon and I was just gonna grab some fruit or something.” Yoga? Is life testing you with yet another thing you were trying to not let your imagination run away with. Chan stretching, bending, sweating... 

“Y/N???” Your brother had said something. 

“What?” He sat down at the table with his own plate. 

“I asked you if you’ve talked to mom or dad since you got in.” You shook your head answering but also trying to get the residual thoughts of Chan doing yoga out of your head. 

“Yea I called mom on the car ride here yesterday and let her know I landed safe and that you said we’d be coming over today.” Minho nonchalantly looked at his plate. 

“Do they know you’re moving back?” Chan’s ears perked a little. You were moving back? Meaning you’d be around more? 

“You’re just gonna jump right into that huh?” Minho nodded and you sighed. 

“Okay Min don’t freak out but... I got kicked out of school and before you ask because of poor grades and my attendance.” Minho held back the urge to immediately go in to lecture mode and let you finish. You hadn’t mentioned this on any of the calls the two of you had. 

“This last semester at school I had a lot of... issues.” Your brother’s eyes narrowed and you continued. 

“Okay well you know the one person I was NEVER supposed to see?” Minho’s face stiffened. Oh, he knew. 

“Well, I found him.” His jaw dropped; he couldn’t help his reaction. He shouted 

“YOU FOUND YOUR DAD!?” Chan suddenly felt like he was in the middle of something that was a very private family thing and it was. Minho cut the topic of converstation off quickly. 

“We’ll be discussing this on the way to mom and dads.” He spoke through gritted teeth and you sunk down in your chair pushing what was left of your breakfast around your plate. You knew Minho would be pissed. You all finished breakfast in relative awkward silence, then Chan left for his yoga class and you got ready to go to your mom and dad’s with Minho. You were about ten minutes into the tense drive to your parent’s place in Gimpo when Minho finally broke the silence. 

“So, how did you fall behind so much and why didn’t you tell me what was happening? I’m here trying to protect you from these people dragging your past up and you’re running around America doing it yourself!” You looked out the window at the passing scenery. 

“I honestly didn’t realize it was getting so out of hand Min. I just... I was convinced I needed to find George and confront him. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but it ended up being even harder than I had expected and I fell behind on classes and assignments, missed tests. I was so caught up in trying to find him and prove something that I fucked up Min. I knew if I told you I was looking for him you’d try and talk me out of it and I knew if I told you about school you’d be disappointed. I know you’re disappointed in me Minho.” You kept looking out the window not wanting to see the look on your brother’s face. He sighed. 

“I’m not disappointed in you Y/N. I just... I wish you would’ve told me what was actually going on. So you did find him though, right?” You shook your head. 

“Yea. I did.” Minho waited for you to continue but you didn’t. 

“And? What happened?” You shrugged and looked a little defeated. 

“I immediately realized falling behind was pointless just like looking for him had been. He was high as a kite. Nothing changed there I guess. He didn’t even realize who I was. I just left. Didn’t bother trying to explain. He always hated me anyway, I don’t know why I was so convinced I had to confront him like it would’ve made some kind of difference.” Minho’s jaw ticked. He absolutely hated your biological dad. He’d only met him twice when you both were younger, before your adoption had been finalized and he still had SOME rights to see you. Minho remembered each time as clear as day and neither left him with particularly fond memories of your father. 

“Is after you saw him when your night terrors started again?” You shook your head yes. 

“God damn it Y/N you said you weren’t having them! Why aren’t you telling me things! You used to tell me everything!” You sat there quietly for a bit with no answer to give, no good answer.

“Min, are you gonna make me tell mom and dad about finding George?” He let out a breath as he considered your question. 

“How are you going to explain school?”  He quizzed.

“I’m just gonna say I had issues and fell behind. It’s the truth technically.” Minho definitely didn’t like hiding things from your parents but this was actually one of the instances he figured, maybe it was best if they didn’t know. 

“As long as you tell them about school and moving back, I won’t mention George. Deal?” You nodded in agreement, smiling at your brother.

Surprisingly enough when you broke the news to your parents about school and moving back during dinner, they took it fairly well. That would probably have been a very different outcome had Minho made you tell your parents about finding your birth father also. You were grateful that he had agreed to not tell your parents. Your mother, always a worrier when it came to you, only wanted to know one thing. 

“Where will you be living sweetheart? You know you’re always welcome to your room here.” You grabbed your mom’s hand and gave it a squeeze smiling at her. 

“Well about that. While I appreciate the offer mom, I was going to ask Minho if he thought I could stay with him until I got a job and a place of my own? I already failed at school and had to move home I don’t think I can to move back in with my parents on top of all that.” Minho’s eyes got big and he hacked on the bite of food he had in his mouth. 

“Well... I don’t know... I live with five other guys Y/N I don’t know if that’s app-” Your mom cut Minho off, pish poshing him. 

“Every one of those boys is an absolute sweet heart and a gentleman Minho. I think as long as they didn’t mind it would be fine. Don’t you?” Minho got that look on his face, the one he gets whenever he knows you’re probably about to get your way, the one that makes him look like an irritated kitty cat. 

“Pleeaaasssee Min Min? Will you ask them? I promise to help around the dorm and I’ll find a job and my own place asap!” He let out a heavy sigh knowing he couldn’t say no to you now. Not in front of your mom, not when you called him Min Min. 

“I'll ASK! But if they say no...” You shook your head. 

“Then I’ll just have to suck it up and stay with mom and dad whether I want to or not.” After spending the day with your parents, having dinner, and you and Minho doing the dishes, you both got loaded up with plenty of left overs and in the car to head back to the dorm. 

“You think I don’t know you pulled that at dinner, knowing mom would take your side?” You looked at your brother feigning innocence. 

“I- Min. Mom is the one that aske-” He scoffed. 

“Cut the shit Y/N.” You smirked. 

“Okay so I had a feeling mom would bring that up and maybe I knew that she would probably take my side but I really meant what I said about not wanting to have to move back with the parents after everything else. It's too much Minho.” Your brother was thrilled to have you staying with him. It’s not like he didn’t want you around, it was the five other men that lived with him that made him uneasy about the arrangement. 

“You have to promise me something Y/N. One thing.” You looked at your brother waiting for what he was going to ask for in return. 

“Don’t try anything funny with any of the guys.” Your face started to burn it was so red. You and Minho never talked about stuff like that.

“MINHO!” He shooed his hand at you to shoosh you. 

“I mean it! If you want to stay you have to promise that you’re not gonna try and date any of them, I mean it Y/N, I’m serious. It will just end with you getting hurt.” You threw up your hands. 

“Minho I don’t even date-” He shook his head. 

“I don’t care, promise or you’re not staying, I’ll turn around and take you back to mom and dad’s right now.” He hit the turn signal to get off the highway. 

‘’Okay okay! Jeeze I promise I won’t date any of your friends. Christ!” You sat in silence in the car for a bit before you broke the awkward silence again. 

“I really will help around the place and find work. I’m not sure where yet but...” Minho sighed. 

“Well, I might be able to help with that too. It won’t be anything fancy but I can probably get you in a temp position at the company. If a full-time position opens, I could put in a word. You bounced in your seat. 

“If I wasn’t absolutely certain you would crash us into the river, I’d hug you.” Minho cocked his eyebrow at you. 

“Bold of you to assume I won’t do it for even considering it.” When you pulled up to the parking lot of the dorm Minho’s text notification went off. He pulled out his phone, looked at it and sighed. 

“What’s up?” He quickly text the person back and put it back in his pocket. 

“It’s Hannie. He’s back in town but he’s stranded at the company so I gotta go get him. Do you want to come?” You were still fighting jet lag and it had been a long day with your parents. You really didn’t want to. 

“I’ll just head up to bed Min. Tell Jisung I said hi and that I’ll see him tomorrow.” You kissed your palm and half smacked your brother in the face a little harder than necessary before quickly getting out of the car. 

“Love you!” You ran towards the doors to the building and Minho rolled his eyes and took off to meet Jisung.

It was already pretty late when you were getting in. Most of the dorm lights were off. You navigated through the living room in the dark as best you could, you managed not to hurt yourself at least. Once you got to the hall you could see a little. Chan’s door was closed but you could see the light was on through the crack at the bottom and heard more of the same kind of soft r&b from the day before. You went over and tapped on it lightly and waited to hear if Chan replied. If he was asleep or working with his headphones on you wouldn’t bother him.

Suddenly the bathroom door opened and there was Chan, fresh out of the shower, water still dripping down the lines of his body, his wet curls clumping together and sticking to his forehead. He had one end of a towel scrunched up in one hand, drying his hair and another end of the towel gripped in his other hand drying his midsection. The rest of the towel happened to drape and keep you from seeing EVERYTHING but only barely and his ass was out for the world. 

“OHFUCK! Sorry! I... Uh... didn’t see anything!” You closed your eyes and covered them with your hands as you screamed the apology. Chan almost dropped the towel and then wrapped it around himself. 

“OH FUCK! FUCK! No Uh I’m sorry I didn’t realize you were back! I uh... I’m covered now.” You opened your eyes again and you both moved, you away from his door, him towards it, tandem movements, almost like dancing. He pushed his hair away from his face and gave you a nervous smile and those damn dimples popped out again. He was equal parts sexy and adorable and he swung wildly back and forth between the two. He walked out dripping wet, firm and naked and then blushed and those dimples showed up and he was the cutest guy you’d ever seen.  

“I’m really really sorry Chan!” He was still gripping the towel around him to make sure he was covered but it hung low and you couldn’t help but notice the curve of his hip leading to what was hiding under the towel now. 

“No seriously it’s totally my fault, I knew you were staying with us I should have been more careful. I’m really sorry if I made you uncomfortable.” You shook your head. 

“No, it’s fine. You didn’t.” You both stood there in awkward silence for a minute, completely red faces. 

“I’m... gonna... go get dressed now. Uh can you do me a favor and not tell your brother about this?” Chan opened his door and started backing into his room. 

“RIGHT! Yea no, tell him about what? You know?” Chan let out a sigh of relief 

“Thanks Y/N, uh, goodnight.” He smiled at you. 

“Goodnight Chan.” He closed his door and you went into your room across the hall and shut yours. You leaned against it trying to catch your breath. The way Chan made you feel just the few times you had been around him; no one had ever made you feel like that before and now this? But you had JUST promised your brother. 

“Fuck.”

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