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jakeluppin · 4 months ago

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A Book Half Unread

teen, 10091 words also on ao3 shout out to @renninflight for reading over this and just all around being Top

Thursdays have become Buck’s favorite day for a few different reasons. One, Maddie and him always have dinner and most weeks she ends up cooking. Two, his boss, Kevin, brings in bagels from his favorite shop down the street. Three, he gets to lead the afternoon storytime and Buck has been getting very good at using different voices for different characters. Four, he really loves it when Maddie cooks.

Five, though. Number five is the biggest reason. Because on Thursdays, Buck gets to see his favorite person in the world: Christopher Diaz. He also gets to see his dad, Eddie, which may or may not be the reason Buck used possibly too much cologne and why he changed his outfit five times today.

Chris has been coming to the library a couple times a week for the last four months or so. Most times, though, he comes with a woman named Carla. But on Thursdays, Chris always comes with his dad. They always come with a large stack of books to return and end up leaving with just as many new ones. Buck figures at this rate, Chris will have the whole library read in five years max.

The first time they spoke, Buck had seen him around a few times already. As one of the children’s librarians (okay, he’s technically not a librarian yet, but he’s months away from graduating with his MLIS), Buck tries to get to know the recurring patrons, but it was soon after summer break had started and they were extra busy so Buck hadn’t gotten a chance yet.

Instead, it was Chris who came up to him, asking if Buck could find a book on becoming a firefighter. Buck immediately drops the books he was reshelving and turns to Chris with a smile and an, “Absolutely I can.” He then asks, “Do you want to be a firefighter then? I really wanted to be one when I was your age.”

Chris laughs. “No, not me. My dad just became a firefighter. So I wanted to find some books to help him be his best. He always tells me if I want to get better at something, I should read and learn more about it. So if I have to do it, he should too!”

Buck can’t help but smile. “Your dad sounds pretty smart. And it’s really nice of you to help him out this way. I’m sure he’ll appreciate that.” They found a few books, adding to the large pile sitting next to Carla, who quickly introduced herself when Buck came over.

Every time Buck saw Chris after this, he would drop whatever he was doing (as long as he wasn’t helping another patron, of course) and go over and say hi and ask him what he could help Chris find this time. Not only was Chris a joy to be around, he also would always ask for books on the strangest topics, which made for a fun time for Buck to try and find so many different books.

Chris would talk to Buck about a lot of things - how school was going, new friends he was making, new video games he was playing. Most of all, though, Chris would talk about his dad. He would talk about lives he saved, fires he put out. The way Chris spoke made Eddie out to be some kind of god. It wasn’t just the things that he did, but also the way Chris would talk about it, the joy, the way he would light up, his voice high-pitch and fast as he would ramble on. A small part of Buck couldn’t help but be jealous, wishing someone would talk about him the same way.

It was about two months after first meeting Chris that Buck met Eddie for the first time. And well, Chris wasn’t far off. If not a god, at least an angel. Buck can’t remember ever seeing someone so beautiful, especially when he smiled.

When they entered, Buck was busy helping a girl and her mom find books on sewing so he wasn’t able to go over and say hi immediately. It didn’t stop him from looking their way whenever he had a chance. With each new glance, Chris would have added yet another book to the pile Eddie was carrying.

When he was finished, Buck made his way over to where he last saw them standing. He only found Eddie, though. Buck was sure Chris was down the next aisle looking for more books. Before he had a chance to say anything, Eddie’s tower of books started to fall. Buck managed to grab the top book as it fell, his other hand reaching up to try and help steady the rest of the books.

“Oh man, thank you,” Eddie said with a sigh. He leaned down and placed the stack at his feet before looking up, his eyes locking with Buck’s. “I swear I’m normally not this clumsy.” He grinned.

“Considering you’re a firefighter, I would hope not.”

Eddie laughed and the sound further confirmed Buck’s god or angel theory. Eddie glanced down and then back up at Buck and said, “So you know I’m a firefighter and I don’t seem to be wearing anything that would indicate I am. So either you’re one of those firefighter fanboys or you must be–”

“Buck!” Chris was back, smiling, and Buck reached out instinctively to offer him a high-five. “Buck, this is my dad.”

“So this is your dad, huh? This is the guy who saved, what was it, a man with a grenade in his leg?”

Chris nodded, the top half of his body bouncing along with. Eddie, on the other hand, looked away when Buck faced him. Buck wondered if he caught him blushing.

“It wasn’t that impressive,” he said.

“I can’t see how that could be true.” Eddie looked up and Buck flashed him his best smile.

“Anyway,” Buck said, clearing his throat and reaching his hand out, “it’s nice to meet you. Chris has easily become my favorite patron. But don’t tell anyone I said that. I don’t think we’re supposed to have favorites.”

“Buck’s the one that helped me find those firefighter books for you,” Chris said.

“That was very nice of you. He was so excited to show them to me when I got home. Said he had the best time and made a really cool friend.”

“Who?”

“You, dummy,” Chris said with a laugh.

“Me? Well that is pretty cool.” Buck smiled brightly at Chris.

“Well, we should probably head out before Chris picks out more books for me to drop.” Eddie leaned down, grabbing the tall pile of books. “It was really nice to meet you, Buck.” He stepped closer to Buck and, in a whisper, said, “I’m glad Chris has found a friend in you.” He pulled away, but Buck could still feel the heat of his breath against his ear.

Buck just nodded, unsure of how to speak, his words failing him completely.

“See you later, Buck!” Chris said, waving.

“Can’t wait!” Buck called out. Eddie turned to look at Buck and smiled. Smiled a smile so beautiful, so sweet, so inviting that Buck knew he was in deep. And knew he didn’t even care.

///

There’s no doubt Maddie is Sick and Tired of hearing Buck talk about Eddie, but he can’t stop himself from relaying his latest Eddie and Christopher Diaz encounter with her the second he arrives for dinner. His jacket isn’t even off before the words, “Maddie, I am absolutely in love,” leave his lips.

Maddie shakes her head slightly, not even looking up from the stove. Not that Buck cares or really even notices, his mind is still stuck a few hours in the past when he managed to make Eddie laugh at a stupid joke. And then of course there was the very slight not exactly hand holding that happened when Buck tried to grab the stack of books but accidentally grabbed Eddie’s hand instead.

So yeah. Buck’s kind of stuck in that moment.

“So, when are you going to ask this guy out?” Maddie asks as they sit down to eat.

Buck’s not sure why the question catches him off guard. He’s been talking about Eddie since he arrived. He’s been talking about Eddie since they first met three or so months ago. So. Why is the idea of asking him out surprising to him? It’s the next logical step, right? Ask out the guy you like for coffee. That’s a normal thing a person does. And yet–

“I don’t know,” Buck mumbles, unable to make eye contact. It doesn’t help that he’s not sure if Eddie likes guys or not. Chris mentioned that his mom passed away before. Other than that, the only other people Chris has ever mentioned in relation to Eddie are Carla and some of his fellow firefighters. It didn’t seem like there was anyone romantic in his life.

But then again, why would Chris tell him that? And Buck has had conversations with Eddie, but most of them have been about Chris. Or sometimes Buck will manage to get Eddie to talk about his latest save. That always leaves Buck’s head spinning and heart racing.

“What’s holding you back?” Maddie asks minutes later. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

Buck chuckles because he knows the answer to that question. Eddie could be extremely homophobic and beat him up and also forbid Chris from ever coming to the library again. Not that Buck sees that as a real possibility, but worst case there it is. And Buck does have a history of making worst-case scenarios come true.

“What about your cute firefighter?” Buck says, changing the topic instead of voicing his fears aloud. “That one paramedic you met at the hospital a few weeks back. What was his name? Howard?”

Maddie sighs and then smiles. “What about him? I haven’t seen him since. Unlike you, he doesn’t come to my work every week. Well, he actually might, but not on a schedule where I can plan my time around seeing him.”

“I could ask Eddie about him. See if he knows him. Get his number for you. You two can fall in love. And I will just continue to live vicariously through you.”

“Or you could ask Eddie out and fall in love and I live vicariously through you.” Maddie pauses and then says, “No, wait. We both could actually live our own lives instead. How about that?”

“You’re no fun.”

They continue to eat in silence. Once finished, Buck starts to clear off the table and gets started on the dishes. Maddie starts to put the leftovers away, half for herself and half for him.

“Okay, what about this?” Maddie says, handing him his Tupperware. “You go ahead and ask Eddie about Howard. If he knows him, you are welcome to ask him out on a double date. You and Eddie, me and Howard.”

“And I would do this why?”

“Because you love me.” Maddie smiles bright, in a way that Buck knows he has no hopes of saying no to. He’s stuck. He has to ask Eddie out. Maybe. Kind of.

He agrees but all he can think about is all the different ways he can get out of this. Hopefully Eddie has no idea who Howard is. Buck has never heard him mention the name so maybe he doesn’t. Or maybe he knows him and he’s actually a terrible person so there’s really no reason for a double date. Buck might be in the clear.

He lets out a long breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. He thanks Maddie for dinner and the leftovers. They hug and Buck leaves. As he makes his way to his car, still thinking of ways he can lie to Maddie about having talked with Eddie, there’s a small part of him, somewhere in the far back of his mind, telling him to go through with it. Telling him that he deserves love too.

Yeah.

Right.

///

When Chris comes in on Tuesday, Buck has a set of books he's already pulled to give to him - books he thinks Chris will find interesting. It’s not something he normally does, but Chris is special to him and Buck loves to do this kind of thing. Chris just happens to be one of the few patrons he feels like he knows well enough to do this for.

“Hey Buck!” Chris says, reaching out for a high five.

They high five and Buck says, “I know how much you love looking around, but I pulled some books already for you that I thought you’d like. You can still look around, but I saw these and thought, ‘Chris would like this,’ so I set them aside for you.”

“That’s so cool!” He starts looking through the stack, eyes wide.

“So Chris, has your dad ever mentioned a firefighter named Howard?”

Chris looks up and squints as he looks at Buck. “Um, I don’t think so.”

Buck nods, filled with a mixture of both relief and dread. Not sure what he expected to feel. But just one feeling at a time would have been nice. At least much easier to understand.

“I’m gonna go look for more books, can you hold onto these?” Chris asks.

“Of course, buddy. Let me know if you need help finding anything.”

Chris wanders over to Carla, seemingly to let her know where he’s going. Carla says something and watches him make his way down the closest aisle. Carla then turns and walks over to Buck.

“Chris says you picked out some books for him already.” The words are simple, a fact, but there’s something in her voice that seems almost accusatory.

“Uh, yeah, I did. He’s not mad, is he? I didn’t want to take away from his experience of finding stuff himself, I just thought he’d like these.”

“He’s not mad.” A pause. Buck feels like there’s more, a but in there. Maybe Carla was mad? Buck is ready to apologize to her when she says, “Chris loves coming to the library, he loves reading. I think most of all, though, he loves coming and seeing you. He says you are the third nicest person he knows. Just behind me and Eddie.”

“Let me guess, you’re number one?”

“You know it.” They both laugh.

“I am glad he thinks so highly of me. But I’m just doing my job.”

Carla laughs. “You’ve done more than that. This is not the closest library to his place. We went to the other one first and a librarian there was, to put it simply, unkind and unprofessional to Chris. He said he never wanted to go back to the library. It took two weeks before I convinced him to try once more and he only agreed to go to a different location.”

“Are you serious? I can’t believe that. Who would ever be unkind to Christopher?”

“I know, I know.” Carla sighs. “It may have just been a bad day for her, but she didn’t need to take it out on him.”

“It just makes me sad because libraries should be a safe place for everyone. But I know they’re not.”

“But this one is because of you.” Carla reaches out and pats Buck’s hand. “And I know Eddie really appreciates it as well. You know, when I saw him the day after you two met, he told me about going and how you helped him with the books. And then he said something like, ‘It’s so great that Chris has someone else he can look up to.’”

Buck doesn’t know how to respond. He’s not even sure if he can, as it feels like there’s something stuck in his throat. He tries to swallow, but it does nothing. Thankfully, Chris is back a few minutes later and Buck helps him use the shelf check-out machine, listening to Chris talk about the books he picked out.

“See you soon!” Buck says, the lump in his throat finally gone. Carla and Chris wave as they walk about.

Buck finds one of the other librarians and lets her know he’s gonna take a beak. He makes his way outside and just starts running. He’s not dressed for running but he has to move, he has to shake the thoughts out of his head while he can.

It’s like this:

Buck is pretty sure Maddie is the only person who has ever really loved him. His parents love a form of him, a version of Evan Buckley, but not him. He’s had relationships, dates, hookups. But nothing real. Nothing where anyone has ever really been close to him. Things always seem to fall apart right before he starts to get close to anyone. Or maybe he’s the one who breaks them.

So. It’s like this:

What’s the worst that could happen? It’s not a homophobic Eddie who beats him up. It’s a loving Eddie, a sweet Eddie, who Buck gets closer to, and right before they can be something, Buck breaks things. He ruins it. Eddie sees Buck for who he is and runs. It crumbles and falls apart right before Buck can have something real, something of his own.

Then, too, there’s Chris. Chris, who is sweet and funny and Buck wants so badly to protect in every way. The thought of ruining things with Eddie also ruining things with him makes his stomach twirl into knots.

Buck eventually stops, unsure of where he is or how far he’s run, but he’s out of breath, his side aching. He leans against a wall, closing his eyes. The thoughts are still there, a swirling cloud of every negative thing Buck has ever thought and ever felt about himself.

He tries to focus on his breathing, square breaths like his therapist taught him. But his breathing is so heavy, so loud, that it doesn't feel like it’s working. It feels like his thoughts are surrounding him, suffocating, taking his breath away. He tries to make his way out, tries to focus on Maddie, tries to think about his favorite TV show, tries to hum his favorite song. Anything to get out the spiral but.

But.

But!

Nothing.

///

When Buck wakes up, he’s sure he must be dreaming or dead or in some sort of alternate reality. Because Eddie Diaz is above him, looking down at him. And Buck can’t think of any reason for this - he especially can’t think of any reason why Eddie’s face seemed to have lit up after Buck awoke.

But then hearing Eddie say, “Buck!” a loud, joyful voice, confirmed that this must be heaven. Not that Buck ever fully believed in heaven but this seems to be proof.

Only there’s something about Eddie reaching out and touching him, his hand gripping tight around his shoulder, that pulls Buck back into reality. He remembers the running, the thoughts, the panic attack. Feeling the hard, cool ground beneath him, Buck realizes he must have passed out. His whole body aches, but nothing too painful.

“Hi Eddie,” Buck manages to say, unsure how long the pause was between Eddie calling his name and his response. His throat feels sore, his voice sounding off. Still, he smiles, because there’s Eddie, right in front of him, with his own smile. Nothing else could be wrong. Nothing else could matter.

“You had quite the fall there, but everything seems to be okay. Well, other than some scrapes on the back of your arm, but those are easy to bandage up. How are you feeling?”

Buck mutters out an, “okay,” which, while true, is far from the full picture. But it’s not like he can say, “I’m feeling sore but honestly I’m just beyond happy that you are here and are smiling as you look at me.”

Eddie’s hand, still on Buck’s shoulder, slides down his arm and into his hand, pulling Buck off the ground. It shouldn't surprise Buck that Eddie is able to lift him up, but the thought still makes his heart race. Probably not a good sign after a panic attack but. Who is he to complain about that?

“Do you know what happened? Did you trip over something?” This time it’s not Eddie speaking, but another firefighter, an Asian man. Buck hadn’t even noticed him on his other side, as he starts to wrap his arm in a white bandage.

“Uh, no, I didn’t trip.” Buck isn’t sure how to respond. He does know what happened, but the idea of talking about having a panic attack in front of Eddie is, well, panic-inducing. Just another one of those things that Eddie could find fault in, could see through to Buck’s core and realize he’s no good.

“If you’re not sure, we can take you to the hospital and have you checked out more thoroughly. But otherwise, you’re medically cleared to go once we finish with this,” he says, waving the bandage.

“No, no, that’s okay. I uh… I had a panic attack.” Buck tries to keep his voice steady, strong, casual, like him having a panic attack is nothing of note. And in some ways it isn’t - seeing as he’s had them off and on since it was seven or so. It’s just a part of his everyday life now.

“Do you have them often? Do you normally pass out from them?”

Buck shakes his head. “I’ve passed out once before, but that was years ago. They just… happen sometimes.”

The other man nods, his eyes holding Buck’s, seemingly looking for something in them that Buck can’t imagine he’ll find. “Well,” he says, finally looking away and back at his arm, “all done here. If anything starts to really hurt, don’t hesitate to see a doctor or call 9-1-1.”

“My sister is a nurse so I’ll probably just show up at her place tonight and beg her to take care of me.”

“Sounds good. It was nice to meet you, Buck.”

“Meet me?” Buck questions. It sounds like a weird thing to say to a random patient of sorts. Or maybe that’s what he always says.

“Yeah, Eddie’s talked about you before. Says you’re Chris’ best friend. Granted, the first time he talked about you, I thought you were also an eight-year-old kid, but I did eventually catch on,” he says with a laugh. He gives Buck a small nod before making his way back to the firetruck.

Buck is surprised to find Eddie still there. Surprised, despite the fact that Eddie is still holding Buck’s hand. But everything has just been so much, so heightened, that Eddie’s touch had just blended into the background with everything else. Like his touch belongs there, like it was also just a part of Buck’s everyday life.

“You sure you’re okay?” Eddie asks. This time his voice is soft, warm. Intimate?

Buck nods, unsure how to make himself speak.

“I gotta head out but… I know your sister is a nurse, but if she’s unavailable or you need anything, you can always call me.” He pulls out a piece of paper and pen and writes his number on it.

Buck takes the offered paper into his hand and somehow manages out a single, “thank you,” as their hands brush once more. Buck’s eyes follow Eddie into the truck and watch as they drive away, Eddie turning and waving at Buck when they pass him.

///

Buck shows up at Maddie’s with take out. He asked her if he could come over, but he hadn’t told her what happened yet. It felt like something best expressed in-person instead of over text. More specifically, in-person over some Thai food and wine.

He lets himself in and calls out for Maddie, placing the food on the table. Maddie comes in just as Buck has finished setting the table. She grabs a bottle of wine from the fridge and the two sit down.

“So, you gonna tell me what happened with your arm?” she asks, pouring the wine.

Buck laughs. “You are not going to believe this.”

“Let me guess, some kid tried to attack you with some child-proof scissors but somehow still managed to cut you.”

“No, I hope that was a once in a lifetime occurrence. But no, I, uh, had a panic attack and passed out.”

“Oh Buck.” Maddie reaches over and rubs her hand on his (unbandaged) arm. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, my arm just got scratched up. Not a big deal. But that’s not the part you aren’t going to believe. It was Eddie, uh, I mean when I woke up, Eddie was above me, in his firefighter uniform. Which, before we get further into the story, I always knew he was hot. There was no question in my mind. But seeing him in uniform? It’s kind of a miracle I didn’t have another panic attack.”

Maddie chuckles. “I know what you mean.” Buck’s sure she’s thinking of Howie. Or maybe just one of those firefighter calendars.

“Yeah, but not only was he above me, looking hotter than ever, he grabbed onto my shoulder, to like, try and wake me up more I think. I was just coming-to and he was calling my name and then touching me and. Maddie, I honestly thought for a second there I had died and was in heaven or something. But then he held my hand to pull him up and he just. Kept holding it as this other firefighter bandaged my arm.

“Then the other guy asked me what happened and I admitted I had panic attack and I would have bet money that Eddie would have left after that. But he didn’t. He kept holding my hand. Then he gave me his number in case I wasn’t feeling well and I needed anything.”

Maddie looks at him, staring intensely for a few moments before saying, “So, he’s obviously into you. You see that, right?”

“You think?” Buck had thought that yeah, maybe Eddie might like him. Unless this was just what Eddie was like with every person he saved? Maybe he kind of flirted with them all, held onto all of them just a little more than medically needed. “Maybe this is just how he is.”

“Did he have a card or something with his number on it?”

“No, he just had a piece of paper he wrote it on.”

“If this is something he does normally or something required as a firefighter, he probably would have cards to give out. But he did that just for you.”

“It could just be because of Chris. He might only care about me for Chris’ sake.”

“Maybe. But I’ve had children patients I have grown close to and none of their parents have given me their phone numbers.”

Unsure of what else to say, Buck mutters a,“Yeah,” and takes a bite of his pad kee mao.

“You gonna call him?”

“No, I feel fine. No need to call him.”

“You could call him and ask him out on that double date. You could call him to say hello. You could call him and tell him how you think he’s the hottest person in the world.”

Buck laughs. “There we go, just a casual, ‘Hi Eddie, thanks for taking care of me earlier. It was so nice to finally see you in uniform. It was so hot. You wanna like make-out or something? Also if you know a firefighter named Howie, my sister would love to make-out with him.’”

“Yeah, super casual, normal conversation.” Maddie smiles and then says. “I just want you to be happy. I know you might not think you deserve it but you do.”

“I am happy,” Buck is quick to say. And he is. Mostly. Happier than childhood Buck ever imagine he would be. He has a job he loves, he’s so close to graduation, his relationship with Maddie is strong, he has friends at work and school, and he has Chris.

Who did he think he was to dare ask for more?

///

The next day, Buck is busy reshelving holds that were never picked up when he feels arms wrap around his waste. He looks behind him and sees Chris. This is the first time Chris (or any patron) has hugged him. When he lets go, Buck fully turns around and says, “Everything okay?”

“Dad said he helped you on a call yesterday. He said you were okay, but I was just really happy to see for myself. Is your arm okay?”

“Yes, my arm is fine. They took really good care of me.”

“Good! I told him if he had messed up and you were actually really hurt I wouldn’t talk to him ever again.”

Buck is amazed and honored that Chris cares so much about him. “I’m glad you care so much, but even if I was hurt, you would still need to talk to your dad. But thankfully I’m okay. Nothing to worry about.”

“Great, then you can help me find books on lighthouses.”

///

With five minutes left on his Thursday shift, there has been no sign of Chris or Eddie or Carla. Buck has started writing texts to Eddie over and over again, asking if everything is okay, but he never sends them. He doesn’t want to seem weird, to highlight how much he looks forward to seeing them each week.

He can already imagine how much Maddie is going to roll her eyes over dinner as he tells her this. She’s going to go on and on about how he should have just sent the text. Or, better yet, she’s gonna say he should have called. And on that call, he should have told him he’s in love or some other stupid idea like that.

(Of course, Buck would never admit to Maddie how badly he wishes he could do exactly that.)

When his coworker, Lucy, comes to take over Buck’s spot behind the desk, he gets up and looks down at the text message he last wrote to Eddie:

Hey! This is Buck. Just wanted to check that everything is okay since you and Chris didn’t come in today. Hope all is well!

He’s added and removed a heart about twenty times. Switched between exclamation points and periods around fifty times. Switched between Chris and Christopher only about a dozen times, though.

With a sigh, Buck slides the phone back into his pocket and heads to grab his backpack from the back room. He makes his way towards the exit when he hears, “Buck!” from behind him.

He turns and there’s Eddie. Christopher isn’t in sight, but Eddie is there, smiling and waving. Buck starts to head towards him and Eddie does the same. They meet and Buck says, “Hey.”

“Hey.”

Buck knows he should be responding but Eddie is looking at him and Buck can’t think words beyond “wow” so he keeps his mouth shut.

“Your coworker said you had just finished your shift. I was worried I’d missed you.”

“Yeah, I was just on my way out. But I’m happy to help Chris out. Where is he?”

“He’s actually not here. I was hoping you could actually help me out.”

“Oh. Of course. How can I help?”

“I was looking for a book on dating. Well, specifically something on how to properly ask someone out. I haven’t really done that since Christopher’s mom died.”

“Well, I can take you to where you might be able to find some books, but I wouldn’t have any specific recommendations. Unless you wanted something written for teens.”

Buck’s not sure how he managed to even speak, the thought of Eddie asking someone out makes him feel lightheaded. But something about being at work made all the difference. Buck could almost always keep his mind focused when he was here. It was only after he left that things would start to fall apart.

Eddie laughs. “No, I know how it worked as a teen. I tried that already, being subtle, dropping hints. It’s just not working.”

Buck’s heart is in his stomach. “Maybe you just need to ask her to go steady.” He tries to make his voice light but it feels sharp, especially saying “her.” Just another reminder that it’s not him. Never him. How could it be?

“How old do you think I am? Do I really look old enough that I ever asked someone ‘to go steady’?”

“I mean, you’re definitely a few years older than me, so…”

Eddie reaches over and gives Buck a light shove but he’s smiling. Buck stays in the moment and is surprised to find that Eddie does too. They just look and smile and Buck knows he should say or do something but he’d rather just be here as long as Eddie will let him.

“So, book recommendations?” Eddie says sometime later. It was probably no more than thirty seconds but Buck couldn’t say for sure either way.

“Right.” Buck looks away, his mind starting to wander again. Rapid. Fast. Thoughts everywhere in a way he feels unsure how to slow down.

“Well, uh, you know I actually have to go meet my sister and, like I said, I’m not as knowledgeable about our adult section so I’m sure someone else would be better off helping you. Malcolm is probably a good bet - he’s a great librarian and also seems to date a lot. So. Yeah. Sorry.”

Buck starts to turn and walk away. He quickly turns back and adds, “Hopefully see you next week. Tell Chris I missed seeing him today.”

And before Buck can second guess himself, before he gives Eddie the chance to ask him what the fuck is problem is, Buck is rushing out the door. He heads in the direction of Maddie’s hospital, thinking she may still be there. And that’s a closer run than all the way to her house.

When he gets there, he finds Maddie packing up her things. He doesn’t even say anything, just pulls her in for a hug.

“Tough day?” she asks, rubbing his back.

“Yeah. Eddie likes someone else.”

Maddie pulls away and gives him this look like she wants to ask a million questions. But before she can, Buck says, “Can we just talk about another time? I don’t want to get too worked up.”

“Fine, but you’re not leaving tonight until you’ve told me what happened.”

Buck sighs. “Can we have something stronger than wine for dinner then?”

“Whatever you want.”

“You really are the world’s best sister, you know that?”

“Yeah, pretty sure I got that title back when you were still a kid."

“True, but I’m all to happy to continue to remind you anyway.”

///

“So, let me get this straight. Eddie asked for a book recommendation about asking someone out on a date. And you ran away.”

Buck groans. “It sounds dumb when you say it like that, but yeah.”

“Sweetie, it’s gonna sound dumb no matter how it’s said,” Maddie says with a laugh. They’re sitting on her coach. Buck is on his third drink, while Maddie is still on her first.

“I just… The thought of helping him ask someone else out on a date was too much. I couldn’t do it. I wanted to. And normally with work stuff, I can manage to deal with whatever emotions are happening. But I don’t know if it was since I was technically off the clock or what, but I just couldn’t.”

“You do realize you acting like this is only going to continue to hurt your relationship. Like Buck, you literally ran away when he asked you for help.”

“I know, I know. I messed up. I get it.”

“That’s not what I’m trying to get at. But you know why you and I have a great relationship and why neither of us have a great one with mom and dad?”

“Because they suck?”

“Well, yeah.” Maddie laughs. “But more importantly you tell me things. I tell you things. You open up to me about how you’re feeling and what’s going on with you. And it’s that openness that brings us together. So if you want that kind of relationship with someone else, you have to be willing to do the same.”

“So I should just go up to Eddie and say, ‘Hey, I’m in love with you and also I have severe anxiety and abandonment issues.’ I don’t quite see that going over well.”

Maddie sighs. “How many times are you going to jokingly tell me how you’re going to profess your love to Eddie instead of just… talking to him?”

“I know. I know. I’m a grown adult and I need to figure out moving past my years of trauma. It’s just hard.”

Maddie reaches out, touches his arm. “I know. But it seems pretty clear to me Eddie likes you. I mean, who knows? Maybe you’re the person he wants to ask out on a date.”

Buck can’t help but laugh at that. “Then why wouldn’t he just ask?”

“Are you serious right now? Mr. Oh-I’m-Too-Scared-To-Tell-Eddie-I-Like-Him has no idea why someone wouldn’t just ask another person out.”

“That’s different. I’ve got all that trauma, remember?” Buck says with a small smile.

“Well, maybe he does too.”

Somehow, Buck honestly had never considered that before. He’d been so caught up in his own stuff that it never occurred to him that Eddie probably has his own, too. His wife died. That alone has got to trauma inducing.

“So what you’re saying is maybe both Eddie and I are a little fucked up and that’s why we are not currently making out right now?” Buck pauses, letting out a long breath. “Wow. Trauma. Talk about a real cock block.”

Maddie rolls her eyes and hits him with a pillow.

///

Buck spends most of his weekend working on papers and thinking about Eddie. He may or may not have written his name on one of his papers as “Buck Diaz.” Thankfully he noticed the mistake before he submitted it.

“What am I, a teenage girl?” he texts Maddie after this. And then: “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I just need to do something so I can think properly. Or at least a little more properly.”

Maddie replies with the word, “Finally,” in all caps, along with a gif of the old lady from Titanic saying, “It’s been 84 years…”

“I’ll tell him next Thursday, okay? So you better be prepared with an amazing dinner and way too much alcohol to help mend my broken heart.”

Maddie simply hearts the message. Buck wouldn’t have said no to some additional encouragement or support, but Maddie has already given him so much. It’s not like she could send just the right gif or say something new that would magically make Buck feel completely safe in this decision.

Buck has never been the most safe person. As a kid, he was always putting himself in danger to get attention. He’s broken bones, dislocated his shoulder more than once. Part of him still thinks its a bit of a miracle he’s even alive. Part of him never thought he’d make it past twenty-one.

But that’s different, isn’t it? This is his heart. And since Maddie left for college, Buck has been slowly building a wall around it. Not that he blames Maddie for that. Or at least not anymore. But once she was gone, it was just easier to close himself off, to hide behind who other people thought he was. No one can reject the real you if they never know it.

///

Other than a few hours Friday morning, Buck isn’t back at the library until Tuesday. His shift is later than normal, too, so he’s not sure if he’ll see Chris or not. It’s been almost a week since he saw him last and that is far too long.

He starts his shift by walking around the children’s library space, picking up books that have been left behind. He’s only a few minutes into this when he spots Chris and Carla at the shelf checkout kiosk. He makes his way over, happy to see them if only for a few minutes.

“Wow, looks like you got some really cool books here,” he says when he reaches them.

Chris turns around and with the biggest grin says, “Buck!”

(There’s something about Chris being so happy to see him that makes Buck’s heart ache. The idea of someone being happy to see him feels Too Much but also better than anything in the world.)

“You weren’t here yesterday. Or Friday!”

“And you weren’t here on Thursday,” Buck counters. “I was here on Friday, actually, but just in the morning. I had a lot of school stuff this weekend so I took a longer weekend to get it all done.”

“So you spent all weekend doing school work? That sucks!”

Buck laughs. “It wasn’t too bad. If you to get the point I’m at with school, you really only take classes that you are interested in. So most of the time it’s actually pretty fun.”

“You mean I won’t have to take math if I don’t want to?”

“That’ll depend on what you want to study, but if you don’t want to, you can plan around it.”

“Did you hear that, Carla? No more math!”

“Yes, but you’re not there yet. So we probably should head home so you can finish your homework up.”

“If I finish everything, can I have ice cream?”

“What do you think your dad would say?”

“I think he would say I deserve it for being the best.”

Buck can’t help but laugh at that. “See you tomorrow?” he asks as Carla finishes putting the books in a bag.

“Probably not, Chris has a couple doctor appointments after school. But I think Eddie was planning on bringing him on Thursday.”

Thursday. Right. The day he’s supposed to tell Eddie he likes him. Part of Buck was hoping Eddie would just never show up again.

“See you on Thursday then, Chris. And hope to see you soon as well, Carla.”

Chris waves enthusiastically before taking off.

Carla holds back a second and then says, “Take care of yourself,” and gives him this look that feels like she can see every part of Buck. Like she can see his anxiety, his fears, his worries. But also his joys, his love, his passion. All of him.

And for some reason Buck doesn’t seem to mind.

///

Buck’s Thursday morning class, Young Adult Literature, is spent mapping out possible conversations with Eddie. He doesn’t want to sound rehearsed, but if he can at least think through some initial ways to respond to any type of reaction, it will be less likely that Buck will completely freeze up. And that would not be ideal if it happened.

By the time his class is over, he’s managed to come up with responses such as, “It’s okay you don’t feel the same. I understand. I hope we can still be friends,” and “I promise, I have no plans to turn Chris gay. I am not even gay. I’m bisexual. But that won’t be talked about with Chris. Please do not stop him from coming to the library.”

What he hasn’t managed to is come up with a response if Eddie says he feels the same. It feels so unlikely, so impossible, that Buck can’t seem to imagine anything further. (Well, other than simply imaging himself tackling Eddie to the ground and making out with him. (But that would not be a great idea since this was going to happen at work and he really didnt want to lose his job.))

As he makes his way to work, he gets a text from Maddie saying, “You got this!” Buck hard disagrees but doesn’t respond.

He gets in early and grabs a bagel in the break room. He sits down and pulls out his notebook and reads over his messy responses. They all feel so wrong. It feels like he’s setting himself up for failure, stuck with only seeing the worst outcomes.

Turning to a blank page, Buck writes on the top, “Eddie likes me too,” and instead of figuring out what to say in the case, Buck allows himself to imagine anything that could happen in the future. Messy bullet points of what could come next.

The double date he promised Maddie.

Spending more time with Christopher, going to the park, to the movies, playing video games at his house.

Holding hands Eddie for real this time.

Holding Eddie.

Kissing Eddie.

Eddie attending Buck’s graduation.

Chris and Eddie joining his Thursday night dinners with Maddie.

Making them breakfast after sleeping over.

Moving in with them.

Being in love.

Being a family.

Buck looks over the rough list, thinking over all the things he could have if he just let himself. He rips the paper out and folds it up before placing it in back pocket. Despite being literally just a piece of paper, it weighs heavy on him as he makes his way out to the floor.

When he sees Chris, the weight seems to add. When he spots Eddie ten feet away with a small stack of books, the weight feels almost too much. Buck looks at the front door and wonders if he should just run for it.

But.

What would that do? How would that help him? The weight would still be there every time he sees Chris, every time he thinks about Eddie. He would be caught in this, weighed down. Drowning.

Instead, he makes his way over to Eddie. Eddie, who smiles at Buck when he sees him. Buck’s heart is racing so fast that he wonders if he’s going to pass out again. Maybe this time he can just pass out right into Eddie’s arms and cut out the middleman.

Instead, he reaches Eddie and gives him the biggest smile he can. He had thought out so many different ways to tell Eddie how he feels, had jokingly practiced different ways with Maddie. He wanted to start by apologizing from running out on him a week ago, wanting to explain what happened, where he was coming from. Explaining that and then telling him how he felt.

Instead, he simply says, “I like you.” A small pause. “A lot.” Another pause. “Like, romantically.” And Eddie is looking at him but Buck can’t seem to make out the expression, can’t seem to understand what he is feeling. Buck thinks through all the possible negative responses he had imagined, trying to place what Eddie is going to say.

Instead… Well, instead Eddie starts laughing.

Which was not something Buck had prepared for.

Buck stares at him, unsure what to do. Does he leave? This is obviously bad. Buck is about to walk away when he hears, “What’s so funny?” behind him and sees Chris there.

Eddie is still laughing as Buck says, “I’m not really sure,” which is only half true, but he’s not going to offer up his feelings and risk Chris laughing at him as well.

“Fuck,” Eddie says a second later, finally no longer laughing. “Sorry,” he adds, although Buck isn’t sure what the apology is for. Him laughing at Buck? Him swearing in front of his kid?

“Chris, could you give us a minute? Maybe pick out a movie for us to watch later?”

“Okay, but when I come back you gotta tell me what was so funny.”

Eddie nods and the two watch as Chris walks off. Buck prepares himself for what comes next. Eddie tells him that he doesn’t feel the same. Eddie tells him they’ll never come back here again. Eddie tells him no one could ever love him.

Instead:

“I didn’t mean to laugh,” Eddie starts out when Chris is out of earshot. “The whole thing just caught me off guard so much that it just kind of happened.” A pause and then he continues, “I’ve been trying for months to drop hints that I like you. Last week, when I tried to get a stupid book recommendation from you on dating, I had thought books were something you understood and either the book itself would help or as we talked about it I would figure out how to tell you directly. Or it would just finally slip out.

“I thought after giving you my number and you not reaching out I was out of luck. But Chimney, the guy who bandaged your arm, swore he could tell that you liked me. I didn’t believe it, but I thought I’d give it once last chance. So I did the book thing. And obviously that didn’t go over well so I was just gonna give up on it. On you.”

“So me telling you I liked you was funny because you were so sure I didn’t.”

“Basically. Yeah.”

This time Buck can’t help but laugh. “I was so sure you didn’t. I felt like it was obvious I liked you because, I mean, who in their right mind wouldn’t? So if you liked me, you would have just asked me out. Like, why not?”

“Because of Chris… He thinks the world of you and if I asked you out and you weren’t interested, I didn’t want that to mess up your relationship with him.”

“And I didn’t want to ask you out because if you weren’t interested I didn’t want you to keep Chris from coming back here. I didn’t want to lose him, too.”

“Well that was dumb. Even if I didn’t feel the same, there’s no way I would have stopped Chris from coming here or seeing you. You matter too much to him.”

“And I never would have messed up with my relationship with Chris if I hadn’t liked you. So I guess we’re both kind of dumb.”

Eddie laughs. “I guess so.”

“So now what?” Buck asks a moment later. He’s looking at Eddie, earnest, open, desperate to find what comes next.

“Well… if it’s all right with you, I am going to reach out and hold your hand until Chris comes back here. And then maybe we could grab dinner when you’re done with work?”

“Yes, please,” Buck says reaching his hand out towards Eddie. While this isn’t the first time their hands have touched, it’s the first time that Buck has realized just what it actually means. And it feels… electrifying and scary but also warm. Comforting.

“Shit, actually, about dinner, though. I have plans with my sister. She always makes dinner for us on Thursday and, although I know she’d more than understand if I ditched, I don’t feel like doing that to her. Especially since without her I would never have told you how I felt.”

“Oh really? You gotta tell me how I can thank her for that.”

“Well, actually, do you know a firefighter named Howie? He came into her hospital a while back and she has a bit of a crush on him.”

“Not only do I know him, but so do you. Chimney’s real name is Howie. But wait… Is your sister a nurse named Maddie?”

“Yeah, how did you know?”

“Because Chim’s been hung up on a nurse named Maddie for weeks now.”

Buck laughs, shaking his head. It feels like one of those big of course moments where everything seems so clearly obvious you can’t help but wonder how you missed it. “Okay so double date then?” he offers.

“Sounds perfect.” Eddie leans in, his face probably close to Buck’s than it should be when he’s working, and then adds, “As long as I get to spend some time alone with you after.”

Buck just nods before somehow managing to pull away. “So what are you going to tell Chris was so funny?”

“Shit, I have no idea. You better come up with some really funny joke.”

“You think he’s gonna be okay with this?” Buck asks, his voice small.

“More than okay. He keeps asking me when you can come over and whenever we go somewhere he asks if you can come along.”

They’re both too busy looking at each other to notice Chris has made his way back before he says, “Why are you holding hands?”

“Uh… because we wanted to?” Eddie says. Buck stifles a chuckle.

“You guys can do that later. Right now I need Buck to help me find more books. He’s my friend right now, not yours.”

“You’re so right, Chris,” Buck says, letting go and moving towards Chris. “Let’s go find some books.” As they walk back, he glances back at Eddie, whose lips are pursed together, holding back a laugh of his own.

///

Between the two of them, Buck and Maddie have changed their outfits a total of twelve times. Chimney and Eddie will be there any minute and Buck is without a shirt and Maddie can’t seem to find any shoes that match her dress.

When the doorbell rings, Maddie ushers Buck to answer, even though he’s the one half naked. Still, he answers the door and beckons them in.

“Guess I’m over dressed,” Chimney says as they step inside.

“Sorry, just running behind a bit. Maddie should be out shortly. I’m gonna finish getting dressed, but make yourself comfortable.” He motions over to the couch. “You guys need anything?”

“Yeah, can I use the bathroom?” Eddie asks.

“Yeah, it’s just down the hallway over there.”

“You wanna show me?”

“Uh… yeah, sure.” Buck leads Eddie down the hall, not completely sure why. It’s very easy to find the bathroom, but he’s happy to help however he can.

When they reach it, Buck is about to turn around and leave when Eddie pulls him inside. He closes the door and before Buck can say anything, Eddie has lifted him up on the sink.

He leans in and kisses along Buck’s jawline. He pauses, his lips inches away from Bucks, and says, “I really thought I’d make it through at least most of the date before I had to kiss you. But then I show up and you’re shirtless… Was that intentional?”

Buck laughs. “No, I was just having a hard time picking out what to wear. Not that I’m complaining,” he adds.

“Good.” Eddie’s voice is hoarse and Buck can feel his breath hot on his skin. Their eyes are locked until Buck can’t take it anymore. He leans forward and kisses Eddie.

There are times when you’ve thought about something so often or imagined it too many times that the real thing can’t compare. Like the ice cream shop Maddie and him used to go to as kids wasn’t as good as he remembered it being when they were back last Christmas. Or like when Buck started his first graduate school class, it was a lot more boring than he had imagined it would be.

But kissing Eddie wasn’t that. Kissing Eddie was everything and more. Kissing Eddie felt right in ways Buck hadn’t even known existed. Kissing Eddie was, simply put, perfection.

Buck is breathless by the time they pull apart. His heart is racing in a way that almost worries him, worries he’s about to have another panic attack. But it’s not that, not the same. And when Eddie starts kissing down Buck’s neck, he feels grounded, solid, safe (even as Eddie bites just so (causing Buck to groan)).

Somehow Buck manages to say, “I should probably finish getting ready. Or we’ll miss the reservation.”

“You sure you want to do that?” Eddie asks, pausing between each word to kiss him, his lips so light against his skin.

“No,” Buck admits. “But we do kind of owe Maddie and Chim, don’t we?”

Eddie laughs and Buck can feel it vibrating against his skin. “I suppose you’re right. I’ll meet you out there.”

Buck jumps off the counter and says, “I’ll be sure to have a shirt on by the time you come out,” with a smirk.

Eddie rolls his eyes as Buck closes the door behind him.

///

None of the shirts Buck has with him cover the marks Eddie left on his neck. But somehow Buck doesn’t mind.

Epilogue.

It’s graduation and Buck feels dumb in his graduation robes. He’s just grateful that alphabetically his name will be read close to the beginning and once that’s done, he can take them off.

It feels surreal when they call his name and he walks across the stage. He looks in the audience and sees a small cluster standing up and cheering him on. They’re a little blurry at this distance, but Buck is fairly sure he can make out Chris on his dad’s shoulders.

As soon as he can, he makes his way over to them. Maddie is the closest and the first one to hug him. “I am so proud of you,” she says and Buck knows she means it. He wouldn’t be surprised if she, too, didn’t think he would make it past twenty-one. And yet!

Chris is still on his dad’s shoulders when Eddie comes over. Buck gives them a hug, his arms around Eddie’s back and Chris’ legs. Eddie can’t really hug him back, but Chris wraps his arms around Buck’s head.

“So what’s the plan?” Buck asks once he’s pulled away.

Eddie, maneuvering to get Chris back on the ground says, “Last I heard, Carla has broken into your house and is making dinner. I think Chim and some of your friends from work were coming over as well.”

“So does that mean we don’t have time to stop for ice cream?” Buck asks.

“Ice cream!” Chris calls out. “There’s always time for ice cream.”

Eddie sighs. “Guess we’re getting ice cream. You wanna join, Maddie?”

“I told Chim I’d meet up with him before dinner. I’ll meet you then.” She walks over and gives Buck another hug. “I’m sorry mom and dad didn’t come,” she says, voice small.

“It’s okay,” Buck says as she pulls away. And it is. Mostly. Part of him wishes they were here, wishes they cared enough about him to understand what a big deal this was. But others did. And maybe that was enough.

///

Dinner is, of course, amazing. Carla is a phenomenal cook and it was clear she went all out on this meal. Beyond that, too, everyone is chatting and happy and Buck’s apartment feels so alive in a way he’s not used to.

When Buck finally has a chance, he sneaks away to his room for a minute alone. He goes over to his desk and opens the top drawer and finds a worn out, folded piece of notebook paper. He unfolds it and finds the “Eddie likes me too,” list. Since he first wrote it, he’s been marking things off as they’ve happened.

The double date he promised Maddie.

Spending more time with Christopher, going to the park, to the movies, playing video games at his house.

Holding hands Eddie for real this time.

Holding Eddie.

Kissing Eddie.

Eddie attending his graduation.

Chris and Eddie joining his Thursday night dinners with Maddie.

Making them breakfast after sleeping over.

Moving in with them.

Being in love.

Being a family.

He grabs a pen and crosses out, “Eddie attending his graduation.” He looks over the last few items. He’s sure moving in, if it does happen, is still far off. Even though Buck already spends about half of his time there.

Buck remembers marking off, “Being in love,” as soon as he came back from that first double date. Not that he needed to wait that long. He could have just as easily crossed it off as soon as it he wrote it.

“Being a family,” feels far too soon as well. It hasn’t been that long and the last thing Buck wants to do is feel like he’s taking up space that doesn’t belong to him.

But maybe. Maybe it’s not that far off. It was Chris and Eddie who were there today when Buck’s own parents couldn’t have bothered to come visit. They were the ones to arrange this little party. And Eddie’s the one who has told Buck over and over how much he means to him.

And Buck’s not sure what exactly it means to be a family. Other than Maddie, he’s never really had one. Maybe he’s way off, maybe he’ll never really find it.

But this, this, feels like family.

And Buck realizes that’s enough.

#ezra.txt #buddie #buddie fic #evan buckley #eddie diaz #911 fic #my writing

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pyjamaart · 8 months ago

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Year 4 of submitting art for the SiIvaGunner Art Gallery!! >:]

For the fourth time now, I can proudly present my entry for this years SiIvaGunner Birthday Gallery! I had to put up with a lot of obstacles this year, like starting in June when I normally always started in early May, my parents and my brother visiting during the exact time frame I wanted to work on this, a crippling addiction to playing Dragon Quest Monsters and many more.

But as you can see, I really locked in at the end and finished it exactly one day before the deadline (17th June).

Now to explain my vision for this piece: I'll have to admit, since starting my new job in February, I didn't have any time to keep up with the loads of SiIvaGunner rips that are uploaded each day, since I always listened to them at my old workplace while I took care of my mountains of scientific journals. At my new job, I don't have anything to do with journals anymore. I mostly talk to students at the counter all day. Can't really listen to YouTube videos when someone wants something from you every minute. I also do a lot of things related to facility management in between (our library buildings are practically falling apart in some places...), so even when I'm not at the counter, I have way too much stuff to do to listen to rips. Sigh. Sometimes, I miss my old job.........

But I'll try my best to catch up some time in the future. At the very latest in September. My first vacation days in 7 months... Anyway, let's get back to the image at hand:

In the foreground, there's obviously my beloved dynamic duo of besties: Woodman and Nozomi. Woodman has been missing from the channel for 1 and a half years. Please bring him back. I miss my wife, Tails...

For this piece, my theme was centered around my favorite SiIvaGunner joke from the past few months (or has it been years?): The raft ride. I wanted something fun and summer-y, so I decided to put all the characters I drew in cute little sailor outfits. For Woodman, I just drew him in something simple that I thought of myself, which complimented and incorporated his usual armor.

Next we have Nozomi, who dons her outfit from μ's fifth single "Wonderful Rush". I had a few water themed outfits to chose from with her (and Honoka, for that matter), but I chose Wonderful Rush for Nozomi since it just fit with the aesthetic I was going for.

Next to those two is Coraline from the 3DS street pass game "Ultimate Angler", which is also prominently featured on the channel. For her outfit, I just modified her usual attire a little to fit in with the sailor vibe. I also turned her sun visor around because I could for the life of me not figure out how to draw it properly at this angle. Uhhh... I mean, I turned it around because I thought it looked cool.

I hope you can see that I had an absolute breakthrough in Gimp. I think I already talked about it on my Buck fanart, but I finally discovered layer modes. After 4 years of working with Gimp. Spectacular, I know. If you don't notice it here, you'll definitely notice it on the next image in queue for the robot master quest I have going on. I can already spoil you who it's gonna be this time: Tornadoman! I honestly couldn't believe what I was drawing. I think I was possessed by something for a few hours. It was honestly a little scary. But I think you'll see what I mean once you see the actual image, it's really different from the usual stuff I draw.

Getting back to the topic of this picture, let's talk about the background now. I decided to draw a little ship with lots of familiar faces making up the crew.

The ships captain is Honoka, who is standing on the very left of the deck. I took her outfit from μ's single "Heart to Heart!", which also fit into the aquatic theme quite nicely.

Right next to her, under a rainbow flag that's fluttering in the wind above them, is Aquaman. My beloved. Since I drew him into last years birthday gallery image, I decided to do the same this year. I also put a little starfish on his hat because I think it looked cute ;)

Standing epicly and mysteriously on the top of the boat is Meta Knight. I don't know if you can see it when it's zoomed out so far, but he's holding some kind of folded map in his right hand. Maybe they're looking for treasure??

And on the very right of the ship are Tito Dick and Robbie Rotten, reenacting that one famous scene from the Titanic movie.

After that, we shift our focus to the left of the image, where we can see Fluttershy flying over the island from Tomodachi Life.

And that's it for this image folks. I hope I'll finish my Mega Man Fully Charged art before the weekend ends, so stay tuned for that next! And after that, we're going right back to the robot master grind. ;)

Until then, this has been Jenny Pyjamakama, signing off. ;)

#i look forward to this day every year man #i love you john siivagunner you saved my life #siivagunner #woodman #nozomi tojo #honoka kousaka #aquaman #mega man aquaman #meta knight #ultimate angler #ultimate angler coraline #fluttershy #tito dick #robbie rotten #i think thats all???#i had so much fun again this year!!#thanks to everyone who contributes to these galleries every year!!!! <33

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dontforgetoctober3rd · 1 year ago

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Come Go With Me

A Michael Gavey fic.

EDIT: Now with art! (just a sketch tho)

Summary: It's the spring of 2007 and Michael Gavey has so far kept to the vow he made to never socialize again after Oliver ditched him. Then he meets a cute girl at a coffee shop. Will the vow stand strong or immediately go down the drain?

Word Count: 3986

Rating: T (plenty of swearing, instances of misogyny, objectification of the female body, atrociously incorrect bagel eating, New York City slander, etc.)

Author's Note: yes, the title is the song by Expose. Also, I'm a corny writer.

Divider by @cafekitsune

“I don’t know or care what Oliver Quick is doing this summer,” Michael said, continuing to type on his laptop, not even making eye contact with whoever asked the question. The guy who asked left without saying anything further.

Some random guy in the library asked Michael if it was true that Oliver was going to be spending the summer with Felix on his family’s estate. It was more about prying into Felix’s business than him wanting to know anything about Oliver, Michael thought. Oliver was not on the same level of being interesting (in the eyes of the general student populace) that the Cattons were.

Michael didn’t give a shit that Oliver was going to fancy fucking Saltburn with his new, snobby, loser, nepo baby friends for the summer. Really, he didn’t. When Oliver humiliated him at the bar, he made the decision then to swear off any further socializing at the university. It was the best thing he ever did.

Already, he felt less anxious. He had more time to focus on his coursework. More time to read new books, attend off campus lectures. Walks in the park by himself were quite relaxing when he didn’t have to think about topics to keep a stilted, dying conversation going. He even went so far as to set aside time to play video games again. Every weekend, for one hour and a half, he lost himself in Fable on his Xbox.

Michael still felt the sting of the bar betrayal from time to time, as he thought he had finally found a true friend in Oliver (or at least, the potential for him to become one). The new, lone path taken had helped him realize that he was not the problem. Oliver was just an asshole, like the majority of those who went to Oxford.

Sometimes Michael wondered why people didn’t like him. Must be how smart he was. There was nothing weird about being good at math. What was so awful about being good at math, anyway? He guessed that most peoples’ biggest issue with his smarts was that it reminded them they were stupid. Oh well! Plenty of time for activities by himself now.

One of those activities was fast became his favorite, after only his fourth visit. Visiting a little coffee shop he had discovered near the river, he was able to “mingle” among people without having to talk to anyone. No one would bother him here and he would still get his dose of human contact which, after all, was vital to the psychological constitution of a person. As rigid as he intended on being with his new No Socializing At Oxford vows, Michael did not intend on becoming a psychopath. Besides, the baristas never got his order wrong. They never talked to him beyond the perfunctory taking of his order but after the third time, when he walked in, instead of asking what he would like the person at the register had asked “The usual?” and Michael would just say yes, thank you, and then pay.

Michael packed up his laptop, shoving it and the charger into his reusable Tescoe bag along with his notebooks. He stood and adjusted his sweater, checked all his pant pockets were buttoned up and zipped closed. He kept his visits only to every other day so as to not have the monotony grate on his nerves. The coffee shop made fresh bagels every day, however, and he had been looking forward to enjoying one all morning (his favorite was blueberry). He liked to eat his a certain way, scooping out the insides of each slice before finally eating the hollowed out crusts. Someone at school would surely have an opinion about his bagel-eating method (not that he cared) but at the coffee shop, Michael was left in peace.

Walking briskly through the library doors and outside in the crisp spring air, he didn’t even look in direction of Oliver walking up the steps into the library with Felix. They were laughing about something but Michael didn’t even breathe in their direction.

—---------

The delicious smell of bread baking hit him in a wave as he stepped into the coffee shop. It looked like a rush had just hit, the baristas busy cleaning and restocking various items.

“Hi! I’ll take your order right over here.” came the chipper voice. Michael turned.

Oh god, a new hire. An American one (he was pretty sure the accent he heard was American) Maybe he wasn’t entitled to feel irritated about changes in the store, it's not like he owned the damn thing, but Michael felt irritated just the same. This was HIS spot and someone new had just invaded it.

The new girl had long hair parted in the middle, tied back in a bun. The hair was turquoise. A very bright turquoise, almost neon, he would say. It pissed him off even more. Dyed hair was so fucking tacky.

He trudged to the register, hating every second of anticipating having to deal with someone new, someone chatty, even for something as impersonal as coffee.

The girl was almost as tall as he was, eye-level to him, smiling the fakest fucking smile he had ever seen. I mean, it had to be fake. Who looked this happy to be taking a stranger’s order? He didn’t even bother attempting to smile back. Whatever. Get my coffee, bitch Michael though.

“I’ll have a large vanilla coffee, sugar free, with a blueberry bagel.”

“Ah, so just cutting back on the sugar but can’t quite quit it altogether, eh?” the girl said with a wink and another smile, totally unperturbed by his attitude.

Michael pursed his lips and said nothing. The girl, still unbothered, looked down and clacked away on the touch screen. He quickly looked over her in the few seconds she imputed his order.

She had long, acrylic nails, painted a pastel kind of purple. Her name tag said Cat, which he guessed was short for Catherine. Maybe. Also her boobs were big. Not normal big, but stripper big. Not that he would know, but still. Too big for the word “boobs”, for sure. Tits seemed like a more appropriate word. If he had ever been to a strip club he was pretty damn sure stripper tits would look exactly like hers. And she had tattoos covering the entirety of her left arm. Classy, he thought condescendingly. No wonder she was working here instead of somewhere like a bank.

Michael wondered if she had tattoos on her chest as well…he was so sure he could avert his gaze before she noticed but suddenly her fingers snapped and her head lowered into his line of vision, a smug look on her face. Small wisps of hair hung in front of her ears, he noticed.

“You lose something. buddy?” she asked.

“I didn’t mean-I was just looking at your name tag.” he sputtered, fidgeting with a cuff of his sweater.

“Look, it's fine. They’re tits.”

Michael flinched slightly at her casual use of the word. It was one thing to talk like that with other guys, but girls? What was she trying to prove? Tits tits tits. He made a point to stare straight into her eyes and not look away while she continued to speak. “Its not a big deal, I promise,” she said, finishing up his order on the register and offering her hand to take payment.

Choosing not to respond, Michael set his Tesco bag on the counter so he could unzip one of his pockets to get at his credit card. The pocket it was in was hard to open and the zipper always caught, so two hands were needed.

“You can look, you know, just don’t be creepy about it.” she continued, as he struggled slightly with the pocket.

Michael did not look at her as he handed over the card.

Being branded a “creep” was the last thing Michael needed. He was already the Lonely Nerd at university, he really did not want to become the Creepy Lonely Nerd (that ogles stranger’s tits). Not that he would give a shit what people thought, but one less socially crippling label was better than one more.

“I mean, it’s not like I can leave them at home, right? I don’t mind a little look here and there!” she said with a laugh, handing back his card. Unbelievable. She was still talking about her tits!

“Can I get that to go?” Michael answered more than asked.

“Sure thing. Uh, what’s your name?”

“I’m Michael.” He was not staying here. He was not going to stay and become the Creepy Tit Guy. Given her outgoing nature, Cat would probably have something to say about the way he ate his bagel, too, he was sure of it. He would become Creepy Tit And Weirdo Bagel Eating Method Guy if he stayed. Maybe dealing with this at university would have been easier but this was supposed to be his relaxation spot. The coffee shop was ruined for him now, he would never come back. Ever. Fuck this place and fuck her.

“Alrighty, dude. Be right back!”

“My name is not…dude..” Michael stepped away from the register, his voice fading away to nothing as Cat got his order ready, unable to hear him. There was no one else coming in right now, it seemed he came during a lull. The other employees were still cleaning and restocking.

“Here you go!” Cat said with a smile, handing him his bagel in a paper wrap and his coffee.

Still not looking at her, he took his bagel and his coffee and got the fuck out of there, practically powerwalking away.

It was only until he made it to a nearby park bench that he finally saw what Cat had written on the other side of his bagel wrapper. A whole paragraph, practically. Michael, sorry for making you feel uncomfortable. I was just trying to be funny, I swear. Enjoy your coffee. Hope you come back!

Michael felt relief for a moment, before loudly groaning and spilling some of his coffee as he made to slap his forehead with that same hand. He had left his fucking Tescoe bag at the coffee shop. His bag that had his computer, his notebooks, his finished papers for a couple of classes.

He had to go back. Fuck.

“Yeah, sorry, but she said she knew you.”

Michael swore. The cashier informed him that Cat had just left, her shift was over. She had taken the bag with her to the Oxford library. Apparently, she was a student there? Who fucking knew!?

“You need me to call the police?”

“No, that’s all right, I do know her.” Michael lied. “I told her earlier I’d be headed to the library later. She probably figures she can catch me there.” Without a single, civil ‘thank you’, Michael practically fled the shop.

He didn’t care how dumb it looked that he was frantically looking everywhere in the library for the familiar, turquoise hair. People always looked at him funny. It’s not like he could go to each of them individually and ask them hey could you please stop snidely whispering every time you look in my direction? Old Michael would go back to his dorm, have a cry, wonder why no one liked him and then quickly finish his homework in his dungeon of a bedroom before crying some more and then going to sleep.

New Michael didn’t give a shit. New Michael was focused 100 percent on his academics and self-care, and right now his academics were in jeopardy because that Tesco bag held papers he had yet to type (Michael liked to hand write his work first, he felt it was more thorough). Also, maybe New Michael should better remember to not forget his shit at random shops. Old Michael wouldn’t have forgotten. Whatever.

After scanning the entire first floor of the library, he stomped to the second floor. If she was a student here, how had he never seen her? The hair would have been hard to miss. Of course, it's not like he made it a habit to people watch anymore, especially in the library.

Suddenly, he saw her. Way in the corner, at a table right under a huge window, he saw her returning with her nose in a book from the shelves. On the table, his bag.

“Give it here.” Michael said, approaching the table. Cat looked up from her book.

God, she was pretty. He felt like a troll next to her. It was so fucking unfair. More importantly though…why was he telling her to hand the bag back? It was HIS. He should just take it and go, without a word. She had basically stolen it. The girl was a thief and took it to give him a hard time because she was a bitch, like every other pretty girl he had ever interacted with and been cut down by. Maybe he could like her if he gave it a try…but the days of trying to get people to think he was cool or amazing were over. She was a bitch and he knew it.

Mmm not what the note on your bagel showed, an annoying voice in his head began. That note could only have been written if she liked you because who would write that for a random customer? You should talk to her an-

Oh, fucking christ. Old Michael. Desperate-to-be-liked-by-someone-ANYONE Michael. Shut the fuck up, Old Michael. You are dead.

“Yeah, no problem, I mean it is your bag!” Cat said cheerfully, closing her book and holding the bag out to him. “Sorry you had to run all this way to get it, Michael.”

“Um, it’s ok. I run fast.” Michael said, immediately regretting it. God, that sounded so fucking stupid. He reached out for his bag.

Oh, so we’re no longer on that socializing ban, huh, Mr. Comedian? I mean, what was THAT?! Old Michael thought slyly. Shut up shut up shut up shut up!!!!! And, look! She remembers your name! SHUT UP.

“-couldn’t just leave it there, you know?” Cat had finished saying.

Michael froze. “Huh?”

What had she been talking about? Shit. “Uh, why not?” Please let that be the right response. Please let that be relevant to what she was fucking saying, Michael thought desperately.

Cat rolled her eyes, but still sounded…not like a bitch? “The laptop would definitely have been long gone if I hadn’t taken the bag. I couldn’t just leave it there.”

Oh. That was it. That had been all she had said. Michael nodded and mumbled his thanks, ready to go…except Cat still held onto the bag. And stopped him with her next words.

“You play Fable a lot?”she asked.

It’s a trap. She is going to make fun of you, he thought to himself. Just get your shit and go. His hand was also still on HIS bag. That she was not letting go of, for some reason.

“Yeah, I like it a lot.”

Oh, how riveting. That will make her swoon! Old Michael chimed in.

“Really?” Cat responded. Her tone wasn’t mocking. It was…interested? “I like it too but it feels unfinished, somehow. I wish they would release Fallout 3 for these new consoles already, I bet it would be 1000 times better than this crap that Lionhead put out.”

Michael nodded. She liked Fallout? She was impatient for the release?? Ask her to go with you to the midnight release next year!!! Ask her ask her ask her ask- No. Shut up. Be normal, for once in your life, be normal and chill about something.

“-able doesn’t feel like it’s TRULY a good rpg, where you can do whatever you want, you know? You can only go in one direction and can’t put off the main quest at all.”

She was still talking about Fable. She was still talking about video games, something they both liked, something they had in common.

This is your chance, you know. Old Michael piped in. Did any of those other people ever show even the slightest interest in the stuff you were into? Ever? Ask her out!

“Ok,” Michael began. “I see your point, but the mechanics of the game aren’t the star so much as the incredible story and character designs-”

While he continued to go on a tangent of Fable’s good qualities to Cat, trying his best not to sound too rant-y, Michael frantically gave the idea of asking her out some thought…

What if she said no? Hm what if she says yes?

It’s stupid. The release for Fallout 3 is next year. No, not even. It’s October of that year, so…over a year away! Almost two fucking years! What kind of weirdo would ask someone on a date almost two years from now?! Plus, she isn’t even into me. She just likes video games, like any other person.

Why is she still holding onto your bag, then? Old Michael thought smugly. Why did she write that little note on your bagel? Why did she remember your name? Why-

All right, all right.

“Right, so…want to come? To the midnight release for it? For Fallout 3?” Michael asked, throwing all caution to the wind and swallowing his preemptive rejection rage that already was bubbling up.

“For Fallout?” Cat said, still holding onto the bag. “Which store you going to?”

“Target.” Please say yes. I don’t even know you and I know it’s weird to ask you somewhere practically two years from now but PLEASE SAy YES, Michael thought.

“Mm, nah.” Cat, said, letting go of the bag to dig in her bookbag.

Shit.

Michael’s chest began to hurt, the hand holding his bag falling limply to his side. He could feel his eyes begin to water. She was just like the rest of them. Pathetic. So pathe-

“You should come with me to Game on Queen Street, they always price cut!” Cat said, whipping out her blackberry. “Whatever price we show them for the game, they’ll shave 5 off it! I mean, it’s not much but I’ll take what I can get! Here, put your number in.”

On sheer autopilot, Michael put his number in. He felt ashamed the entire time, having choked back a scathing insult at the last minute before Cat had shoved her phone at him.

“Are you ok?” Cat took her phone back, eyeing him with a concerned look.

“I’m fine! It’s just-probably something I caught the other day, I can already feel the sniffles coming on and whatnot. It’s nothing!” Michael babbled.

It cannot be this easy, Michael thought. It’s been this easy the entire time? Hanging out with a girl? Talking to her? Making plans? Why did Oliver never like him when they had so much in common?

Holy shit, forget about fucking Oliver! You have a date with your future wife! Old Michael practically screeched. Jesus fucking Christ, you are desperate. Shut the fuck up!! Be Normal!

“You wanna go back to the shop and get another bagel?” Cat asked, putting her books away and sliding on her bookbag. “ We could use my discount, that way-”

“Yeah, let's go.” Michael cut in. Grabbing her wrist and not waiting for her answer, he turned and began to swiftly move through the library. He tried not to get excited as Cat uttered a quick ‘cool’ and kept pace with him.

He also tried not to think about how awkwardly he was holding her hand. Everyone in the library was staring, he saw it in his peripheral. It had looked so cool in his brain but now everyone could see how his stupid hand around her wrist slightly resembled him holding his limp-no no no no noooo shut up shut up SHUT UP.

“Blueberry runs out quick.” Michael said, as they both briskly walked. “I went one time at around this hour instead of my usual time and I had to settle for onion, which is gross as shit.” You’re rambling, Old Michael chided. She fucking works there, she doesn’t need a play-by-play of bagel supply issues. Let her say something, idiot! The reason he never noticed her before, it turned out, was that she hadn’t dyed her hair yet. Cat also began to tell him about her history degree. Something about the American Gilded age and how she was deep into research of the British Astors or something. Michael surprisingly found himself not bored. Were her eyes fucking green? Oh, fuck, they were green!

They finally saw the shop in the distance. Right after his anti-onion bagel tirade and her talk of her studies, he set straight into a long-winded verbal onslaught on the statistics of how rare green eyes were. Micheal thought his heart would fall out of his asshole when Cat adjusted their hands so her fingers were laced with his. About halfway through the distance, he had cut in when she mentioned her favorite bagel flavor (pineapple) and talked her ear off the rest of the way about his bagel eating method, insisting on its practicality but really prepping her so that she wouldn’t be horrified when she saw him do it and ditch him like fucking Oliver. She laughed.

“That’s so L.A. of you. New York would hate your fucking guts, though.” she said, with a grin. “Good thing I’m a California girl! I’d rather deal with horrible traffic and scooped bagels than having to fight rats for sidewalk space.”

Right before they got to the doors, Michael went for it. “I’m telling people that you’re my girlfriend.”, he said seriously. She hadn’t run off when he had taken her hand (wrist). She had noticed the Fable stickers on his computer. She had remembered his name after one interaction. The American thing was a slight issue but hey, no one was perfect!

“Cool, because I already told the staff that you were my boyfriend when I took your bag!” Cat responded. “I told them you like to pretend you don’t know me when you get mad and I just play along to pacify you. It was the only way they were comfortable letting me take your bag!”

Be cool! Do not fucking freak out! Act fucking normal! Do NOT scare her away! Say something a fucking weirdo would never in a million years say! Old Michael reminded him.

“Let’s go back to my place after and study some calculus. Your grades in that sound horrendous.” Fucccccck. You just got yourself a girlfriend and this is the shit you respond with?! Old Michael panicked.

Cat smirked. “Only if you promise to fuck me into your mattress after.”

Michael stared at her, almost daring her to say she was kidding. When she didn’t and her gaze briefly dropped to his lips, he abandoned any doubts he had and turned to walk away from the shop, practically dragging Cat with him.

Cat giggled and adjusted herself to clutch at his arm with both hands, her legs and his in perfect sync as they made their way to Michael’s room.

—------------

“What the fuck?” Felix said to Oliver, pointing. Both were sitting on a bench, relaxing a bit before their next class.

“Didn’t he go fucking mental at you the first day? Not to be a dick or anything but is she safe with that guy?”

Oliver followed Felix’s finger and froze.

He gaped at what he saw:

Michael fucking Gavey, math genius slash freak of nature, walking happily with the pretty American girl who had said no to their bar hopping invite just last week. It was definitely surprising, but Oliver was now more determined than ever. If a fucking social reject like Gavey could get what he was after, then someone like himself was sure to have the same luck if he continued to put in the effort.

THE END

#Michael Gavey #Michael Gavey fic #ewanverse #Michael Gavey X Bimbo gf #Michael Gavey fanfiction #fanfiction #I DID IT I FINISHED IT #*jeb bush voice* please clap #I WAS going to put smut in it but despite some excellent advice i still couldn't do it!#I need to practice more! i really want to write a good fuck one day!#curse my catholic upbringing ugrrrrhhhh #yes this is corny but have you taken into consideration the fact that I DO NOT CARE???#i live life on the cob baby #and if the only way to improve my writing is by embarrassing myself on this hellsite then so fucking BE IT

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merajsblog · 1 year ago

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synopsis: you and yuji are dating!! you guys find a weekend you can spend together at your house, and yuji brings nobara and megumi along :) you guys plan for a group sleepover!! everything is going amazing until something out of the blue happens…

warnings: just fluff!

it was starting to get later into the night. yuji and his classmates had finally gotten a good weekend off. yuji and you often had trouble seeing each other, considering that you were both busy with curses and slaving the summer away. as soon as you guys found out you had a matching weekend off, yuji immediately made plans, asking if he could bring his classmates along. you hadn’t met them before but yuji had this strange obsession with you meeting them. he wanted all the important people in his life to know each other. he thought you’d get along perfectly well with his classmates.

the candles you lit flickered softly on the table, laughter echoing the room. there was quiet jazz music playing in the background, simple and filling the room with ambiance. you were nesstled nicely in yujis lap, more like his left thigh, while megumi and nobara were playing a board game on the floor. you were holding a drink in your hand, sipping quietly as you refused to peel your eyes from the action infront of you. yuji had his hand propped on the table, face in hand. his other arm was snaked loosley around your waist. he too was paying attention, but not on the board game. he was focused on the warmth radiating off your body, how your back was arched showing your poor posture in this moment of softness. your random snickers and how you would narrow your eyebrows whenever the play got good. he thought it was endearing.

nobara was trying to get ahold of ijichi but he just wasn’t responding.

“how are we supposed to get home now..” she groaned, laying with her head on the floor.

you let out a soft giggle, offering your living room mats as a sleeping place. “we could have one big sleepover together, i just got to bring the extra mats out! i have video games and books!!” you said, trying to appeal to them. as soon as you mentioned the mall was nextdoor to you, nobara dragged megumi to the living room to get comfortable. you giggled before getting up, and stretching. yuji got up behind you, kissing your cheek before heading to the kitchen to drop off the dishes from the table. you arrive behind him, hugging his waist with your face in his back. there weren’t many words that had to be exchanged in this moment, it was tender enough as it was.

slowly he turned around, and cupped your cheeks before giving you a soft kiss, for a few seconds before screaming emerged from the living room. you laughed, breaking your kiss, and before completely pulling away, you kissed his nose before heading towards the noise. megumi and nobara were battling over which mario kart character they wanted to play. as you watched games go by, you noticed a certain someone fighting the urge to not be bored. he would randomly practice jujutsu hand signs, and would stick his hand in his shikigami portal…what a weirdo. he was awfully quiet, and his lips were almost always in a frown. he looked permanently frustrated. he had a bright side, but showed it rarely. getting up silently behind the battle between yuji and nobara for first place, you tapped on his shoulder quietly. he looked up immediately, almost flustered that you were interacting with him at this moment. you signal for him to follow you, and he does. opening the doors down the hallway from the living room was your library. you took much pride in it.

“i figured you were the type of guy to like books so i wanted to show you this.” you said turning around after opening the doors. his mouth was slightly open. his eyes were bigger, looking like they were trying to eat up the scenery.

“this is amazing.” he said breathlessly.

beaming at yourself while looking at your library you let out a laugh.

“i knew you’d like it.” you said smugly. you two spent some time in there, recommending books to each other before hearing yujis screams about how he was waiting for you two. you walked out first, turning to the side to shut the door after megumi. megumi turns and looks at you as you lean in to shut the door.

your nose is red, you must be cold. cheeks are slightly flushed from laughing so hard, your eyelashes batting as your eyes are focused on megumi. that one beauty mark on the left side of your face.

“megumi? are u okay?” you ask louder, as he snaps out of it. embarrassed he hides his face away, turning as he blurts out a thank you for the tour. you stifle a laugh before sitting on the floor next to yuji. he sloppy puts an arm around you dragging you in front of him. yuji plays with you against his back, beating nobara in a very unfair game of smash bros.

“i win!!” yuji blurts, throwing his hands in the air. you look up, smiling at him. his reaction was adorable. he looks down, placing one gentle hand on your neck, before kissing your lips. you two snicker and nobara starts complaining about PDA.

you feel eyes gauging out the back of your head. you turn around out of curiosity, surly your mind wasn’t playing tricks on you. megumis eyes meet yours. surely he wasn’t the one who it felt like was staring at you, right? after all he is itadoris best friend…

#jjk x reader #jjk itadori #yuji itadori #megumi fushiguro #megumi x reader #jujutsu megumi #jjk megumi #jjk x gender neutral reader

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crystalverse-project · 25 days ago

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au where dan and tray are librarians instead of scientists and grim is a cat

idk guys. at the start of today i hadn't thought of this at all and now i'm making a secondary au to the crystalverse, it's kind of a counterpart but they are definitely a different dan and tray

it basically goes similarly to the crystalverse, but when trayaurus gets his library job in his village he finds it's not just science that's a passion, he also finds interest in history, geography, literature and just about everything he can read about. just knowledge and learning as a whole. still, he feels like he doesn't fit in with other villagers, so he moves away into a city nearby with a huge, highly respected library where he studies to get a phd in literature.

the city happens to be the same one dan lives originally (i still haven't thought of a name for it) but by the time dan meets him for the first time trayaurus already has the degree. because of his family issues dan gets more and more reserved, distant from his friend group, ignored by everyone else and invested in learning and reading.

probably the biggest difference at this point is dan, serving as 28, sat through every lecture without any complaint, and it lead to him getting out in the allocated time, but so reserved that he's almost mute. after returing, not even straight As in his final exams earn any praise from his father and brother, so he ends up giving up getting any approval.

two moons university was BEGGING for him to attend but he still wasn't allowed to go (getting the news early), and during the summer he frequents the library and the coffee shop more than anywhere else, which is when he meets trayaurus and finds a small, but growing bond with him.

eventually dan still gets disowned with even less notice than in the crystalverse, without even a chance to pack up. the first place he thinks to go is the library and he breaks down explaining everything to trayaurus, who lets him stay at his flat, and their bond gets even stronger

the two of them are still smart and successful, but they don't go on as wild adventures, and still being based in the city means they're both more and less isolated from people.

grim was adopted by them both already as a skeleton, after another contact of theirs asked if they'd be interested in keeping the cat. nobody knows how grim became a skeleton but it might have something to do with fossils. unlike in the crystalverse where they knew grim was male before he was a skeleton, the cat grim's gender is unknown, so is referred to as they/them by dan and trayaurus, who adore them because they can bring them to the library, they don't have fur to shed hehe

another big difference is tray knew dan was trans from the beginning, he was very open about it, and of course there was no issue. dan still wears goggles even when they don't have a practical use, he says to anyone that happens to ask that they're for keeping out dust from old books, in reality they're plastic ones for a steampunk cosplay and barely functional, not that he's ever actually WORN them. not even once. he just found them in a store and thought they were neat. tray got second hand embarassment from it at first when he started wearing them in public, but now he doesn't mind

dan still draws and plays the guitar, but he doesn't post on youtube and only plays in the apartment for trayaurus. they also still play video games but they only like "retro" ones. the wii is the absolute newest console they'll even consider. while cav!dan has a 3ds he plays regularly, dbc!dan has a gba sp. he paid somebody to install a backlight mod lmao

i know i know i should really finish my other story before i start other aus but this got stuck in my head all day ajsjsjdjjd...the six of them (both trios) are absolutely going to meet at some point. it's not going to take any priority i'm just brainstorming

as mentioned before this was based on old challenge art based on the dark academia atyle. tray is still with the dark academia aesthetic but dan is closer to chaotic academia (particularly with his sneakers, and the badges on his sweater)

he still has the pencil tucked in the strap of his goggles but the picture's at an angle you can't see it. that's my story and i'm sticking to it

#dantdm #minecraft #mcyt #old mcyt #minecraft youtube #the diamond minecart #dr trayaurus #alternate universe #diamond bookcart au #dark academia #chaotic academia #dantdmcu #library #BOOKS #danaurus #dbc!dan #dbc!trayaurus #dbc!grim

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astoundingbeyondbelief · 1 year ago

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Kaiju Week in Review (February 25-March 2, 2024)

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Brush of the God is finally out in the world, having premiered at the Osaka Asian Film Festival on March 2. Above is the most recent trailer, looking as impressive as ever. A more complete cast list is out too—Yumiko Shaku, Takumi Saitoh, Shiro Sano, and Shinji Higuchi are all in it. Haven't seen any reviews in English yet, but I suspect it's something special.

Lots of comic news this week, but I'm giving Godzilla: War for Humanity #4 its own section because it continues to be so stellar. In the penultimate issue, Godzilla finally comes face-to-face with Zoospora—with the odds now thoroughly stacked against him. Ends on a great cliffhanger, with emotional catharsis reached but a world-class kaiju still left to beat.

Every Monsterverse film has an obligatory graphic novel tie-in, and they've never felt more obligatory than Godzilla x Kong: The Hunted. Kong has the A-plot, taking on the Titan Hunter, a mech piloted by the owner of a construction company who (surprise!) lost his family in 2014. It's pretty amusing watching him get high on his own supply fighting second-rate Titans before an unarmed Kong dismantles him, but the character is just too generic. Godzilla's B-plot is just a protracted setup for the film. (I'm keeping my description vague because the identity of his Titan opponent hasn't been revealed in GxK's marketing yet.) I hope this is Brian Buccellato's last time writing Godzilla, as Fight or Flight and the first five issues of Justice League vs. Godzilla vs. Kong weren't much better, but I probably shouldn't be optimistic. Zid's art is unsurprisingly the highlight, though he's sharing space with Dario Formisani and Drew Johnson. Some stunningly bad scaling and weird-looking Godzillas on those pages. Note that the comic is only (officially) available to backers of the hardcover edition on Kickstarter right now; the paperback edition comes out on March 26, a few days before Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire.

Titanic Creations has released a cover for their Gorgo Legacy graphic novel (amusingly Approved by the Monster Code Authority). It's written by Mac McClintock and Patrick McEvoy, with the latter also illustrating, and will be 60 pages long. Releases summer 2024, with plans for two more.

Volume 7 of Kaiju Girl Caramelise also released last week, and while I was hoping to share my thoughts on it, none of my local libraries have stocked it yet. So here's a simple reminder that it exists.

Netflix's Ultraman: Rising now has a poster and a June 14 release date. S.H. FigureArts and Movie Monster Series figures for the film have also been revealed.

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Gameplay videos for Godzilla x Kong: Titan Chasers are starting to show up on YouTube, courtesy of early-access invites going out. Reminds me of that Avengers Alliance game I played for all of a week. And a new month means new Godzilla Battle Line characters; this time it's GMK King Ghidorah and a Biollante variant. They're also overhauling All-Star Battle Mode later this month, letting you chose 50 units to deploy against the CPU (so less underleveled four-stars and other chaff ruining your runs).

#kaiju week in review #brush of the god #godzilla #godzilla war for humanity #godzilla x kong the hunted #ultraman rising #godzilla x kong titan chasers #godzilla battle line #comics #video games #art

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verysium · 1 year ago

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what do you read in your spare time? you’re one of the most eloquent users i know, id love to hear how you find the media you consume and what your favorites are

omg ei 😊 welcome back to the inbox! thank you for your sweet words although i'm probably not qualified enough to be considered the full definition of eloquent. i am going to preface this post by saying that i definitely don't read as much as i should, so this list is not going to be comprehensive whatsoever. the last time i even visited an in-person library was like half a decade ago, and since then my spare time has been nonexistent lmao. anyways, here are some of my favorite/most recent reads as listed by author:

POETRY

richard siken: i think siken is already well-known both in the literary world and in whatever booktok deems is popular culture. if you don't already know him though, he is best known for his poetry collection crush, which delves into themes of obsession, gay love, and violent eroticism. i actually read this chapbook unknowingly. as in i was hounding sketchy pdf download sites at 3 AM and saw a man with bloodied lips on the cover and decided to read it. he basically became my summer fever dream after that. the way he juxtaposes images is seamless, smoother than water. only richard siken can talk about violence without making it sound violent. i also enjoyed his other poetry collection war of the foxes, especially "portrait of fryderyk in shifting light." i think light is a common motif throughout most of his poems, and he manipulates it effortlessly. the most recent piece i read from him is "piano lesson." i have nothing left to say that he didn't already say, so i would just recommend reading it for yourself. he is the og big brain when it comes to word play.

ocean vuong: he's unforgettable, and i mean that literally because nobody forgets a person named ocean. time is a mother was exactly what the name suggests: an exploration of grief, loss, and the rewind of time after his mother's death. some of the poems are almost cinematic in quality. "künstlerroman" is my favorite because it feels exactly like watching a video tape in reverse. i think his most famous work is "someday i'll love ocean vuong." it was the first piece i ever read from him, and to this day, it remains my comfort poem.

silas denver melvin: i only recently discovered him through his chapbook grit. i think he's also on tumblr @/sweatermuppet. he writes a lot on the trans experience, and his work gives me a mix of southern gothic and country vibes. would definitely read his other publications if i had the time.

chen chen: one thing about chen chen is that he always comes to devour. my favorite works from him are "self-portrait as so much potential" and "song of the anti-sisyphus." you have to put on your thinking cap for some of his poems, but once you grasp the meaning, everything makes sense all at once.

franny choi: "disaster means without a star" was the entire inspiration behind my first rin fic. i relate to her more personally in regards to the diaspora experience, but her collections are worth reading in general because of the sheer quality.

pages matam: his poem "piñata" was what got me into slam poetry. his work mostly consists of political commentary which i feel is particularly relevant in today's social climate. "on learning america's english" also resonates with people who have encountered the entire losing/learning immigrant tongues experience.

laura lamb brown-lavolie: i've only read one spoken word poem from her, and tbh i only needed to read one. "on this the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the titanic, we reconsider the buoyancy of the human heart" is my two-headed calf poem. one day i will get this tattooed.

brendan constantine: once again, this was the result of me being chronically online coupled with the boredom of an august heat wave. i found "the opposites game" through TED. honestly, i was a bit unsure about it at first, but it's a cute little poem that makes you really delve into the intricacies of craft.

TEEN POETRY & PROSE

yasmeen khan: she could mouth her words onto every square inch of my body, and i would still be coming back for more. ingraining them into flesh is not enough. "movie stars" is by far my favorite work from her. she writes about femininity and womanhood so profoundly. it's tragic, but really i wouldn't have it end any other way.

kaya dierks: her writing is basically middle-of-nowhere small town stoner teenage life but personified. "crushed" is my favorite piece from her. the soundtrack for this work was definitely by ethel cain, and you cannot convince me otherwise.

FICTION

madeline miller: i was first introduced to her when i read the song of achilles. let's just say that book had me nonverbal for the greater half of three months. it was my metaphorical hatchet. i buried it once, and i never want to dig it up again. i read circe a few years later. the first time was during the blue hour at an airport, right between one red-eye flight and another transfer. i don't even remember that experience because i was heavily sleep-deprived. i read it again recently for a literature course, this time for academic analysis. overall, i enjoy the the heroine-centric narrative. typically, i'm a bit wary of novels with heavy feminist themes because they either project their agenda too strongly or they run the risk of misrepresentation. circe doesn't exactly have that problem. it was more about empowerment and less about exercising power over others.

charlotte brontë: as a historical figure, brontë was questionable, but jane eyre most certainly was not. that book rewired my brain, and that is saying something because i have never read any classic by choice. and it is so important to me that jane was the ugliest, plainest girl you could ever imagine. also cus i unironically enjoy angst, and this book was full of dramatic misunderstandings.

yoko ogawa: i love japanese literature, so there is no reason not to include this one here. "a peddler of tears" is one of my favorite short stories. i did not expect the ending at all, but it was welcome. something about violence, body gore, and dismemberment being framed as romantic and semi-erotic just gets to me. sign me the hell up. hotel iris is a hit-or-miss with some people. either you like the fact that art makes you uncomfortable or you shut it down completely. for me, i was alright with exploring some of its darker themes, but read at your own discretion.

NONFICTION

ross gay: he lives up to his name both in optimism and in carefree joy. probably one of my favorite creative nonfiction authors simply based off the accessibility of his writing style. easy to read and understand but still hits you with the full force of a semi-truck. i would recommend his book inciting joy. it's a collection of essays that delve into grief, but since this is ross gay, he makes it seem like a quintessential part of life.

paul kalanithi: sixteen-year-old me was mind blown by him cus before that doctors were shrewish old men with bald spots and sterile coats, not poetic surgeons who dissected the anatomy of word and recited t.s. eliot in the most heart-wrenching way possible. he is everything i want to become in both life and death. when breath becomes air literally does take your breath away.

#asks #moots ♡

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salamandergoo · 2 years ago

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This was written in snippets on a discord server, thought I’d clean it up and slap it here! Haven’t been able to stop thinking about roadie Steve 💕 There’s a lil bit of spice in here, just to keep things fun :)

Steve, after everything that happens, doesn’t really know what he wants to do. Working at Family Video is… fine, but Robin is finished with her gap year and now she’s getting acceptance letters and scholarship offers from colleges and trying to decide where to go.

She keeps asking him if he’ll be okay and Steve tells her to go because he’s excited for her! She’s excited too! And yeah, they’ve had nights where she stays over with him and they cry about how they won’t get to be attached at the hip, but they can’t stay in Hawkins, it’s not realistic. They’ll never be… okay, if they stay.

She goes off to college and absolutely loves it, she thrives there, and they’re in constant touch, but Steve feels like he’s lost a part of himself. His platonic soulmate, the woman he’s so used to just… being there, is gone. So when he’s invited to a Corroded Coffin gig, he jumps in, thinking that if nothing else, it’ll be a solid distraction from his wallowing.

They’ve played a few cities in Indiana, a frontman accused of satanic murders is pretty great for their image surprisingly enough, they’re just waiting for Gareth to finish school before they jump in fully. The show is pretty local, just barely outside of Hawkins city limits, but it’s refreshing for Steve to be… somewhere else, just for a night. And the gig is fun! Steve can’t hear the words to the songs too well, can’t keep up with the music so great, but he can feel it in his chest. And he loves the energy of it.

Partway through, something goes wrong with one of the amps and they’re trying to get it fixed. Steve offers to give them a hand, and in just a few minutes and some tinkering he has it working again. And the pats on the back from the guys and the bright smile from Eddie sparks something in Steve.

The next day, he finds himself in the library, checking out books on electrical equipment and instruments and anything he can think of, and starts reading up. By the time Gareth graduates and CC has a few shows set up, Steve comes along. He’s able to handle any technical difficulty they come across, he’s the guy making sure it all goes smoothly.

And suddenly they’re recording their first album and blowing up and Steve is their go to guy for live shows, he’s the first person on their payroll. For awhile, he’s the only one, he runs everything that isn’t playing music, but eventually, a few more hands are needed.

Eddie makes it clear that Steve is in charge, naturally trusting him to be the head of the road team.

The band is doing great and soon enough they’ve upgraded from Eddie’s van and Jeff’s station wagon to an actual tour bus. Eddie is so amped about it and it’s hard not to let his energy be infectious.

Of course, driving across hours of plains dims some of the excitement, but Eddie and Steve start to come up with… interesting ways to pass the time. Ever since they left Hawkins, Steve’s eyes have been wandering a bit. Turns out metal heads are his type, who could’ve guessed?

At first it was making out in an alley in Indy with a girl who had shaved hair and piercings shoving him against the wall and making him beg to eat her out. Then it was the boy in a leather jacket in the mosh pit in the middle of summer, sweat slick skin covered in ink and a gentle hand but commanding voice in a motel room. And then it was his own fantasies, covering his mouth as he touched himself in a shared hotel room bathroom thinking about Eddie, who else?

So there’s an ongoing game of gay chicken and Eddie hasn’t been quiet about his own conquests along the way. It’s little things, Steve shifting a little closer to Eddie on the bus, a hand on the thigh that creeps upwards, whispering in hushed tones just a little too close.

It finally snaps in California, a sold out show attended by Argyle and Jonathan (who moved back out west a few months after the world didn’t end). They’re slipped a few “party favors” before heading off to a motel for the night, a reprieve from the rumbling, uncomfortable mattresses on the bus. One of the rooms only has one bed because of a booking issue and before anyone can complain, Eddie snatches the key and declares that “Stevie’s with me”.

So the band splits up to go to the rooms, Eddie has to wait while Steve inspects the bed closely to make sure there’s nothing gross, and then they settle in, still sticky with sweat and buzzing with adrenaline. Eddie lights a joint and teases Steve a little with the way he groans and sighs as he takes a hit, but Steve gives as good as he gets

He straddles Eddie’s lap and asks to shotgun in this pretty, lilting voice, cocking his head in a way that makes his eyes, sparkling with mischief, catch the light just so. And Eddie isn’t going to deny a pretty boy on his lap, not when he’s seen Steve in those tight jeans. He takes another hit and tugs him in by the shirt collar, breathing out the thick smoke into Steve’s waiting, parted lips. And Eddie is treated to the sight of thick eyelashes fanned against freckles cheeks, the expanse of pale skin on Steve’s neck as he tilts his head back to avoid blowing the smoke back in Eddie’s face.

And Eddie can only restrain himself so much as he leans in and kisses the faded scar that cuts across Steve’s adams apple. Steve licks his lips and is looking at Eddie’s mouth when he opens his eyes and something between them snaps. He leans in and whispers, “kick me if I’m misreading this” before kissing Eddie on the lips. It’s firm, but not messy, charged and searching. Eddie has to take a second to remember how to move his limbs, holding Steve tight around the waist, careful not to bump the lit joint against his shirt.

He kisses back, but it’s not enough, he needs more, wants to ride out the low thrum of the coming high with Steve. He pulls back just long enough to take another hit and lifts a hand to cup Steve’s jaw. He breathes the smoke out, letting his tongue trace Steve’s lip as he takes it. Steve holds the smoke like a fucking expert, tangling his tongue with Eddie’s as he lets the smoke back out from the corner of his mouth. Eddie distantly wonders if he looks like a dragon like that, a thought that has him giggling. And then it’s really hitting him that he’s 1) a rockstar 2) making out with his high school crush Steve Harrington and 3) absolutely rock hard.

Judging by the pleased expression on Steve’s face when they part for air and the way he grinds his hips down slow and teasing, he definitely noticed that last part.

#steddie #steddie fic #roadie Steve Harrington #stranger things fic #stranger things #corroded coffin

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xmissrogersx · 1 year ago

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“Video Games” | Joel Miller

tags: Post-Outbreak. Jackson life. Domesticity. Fluff. Ellie being the cutest daughter.

my writing is entirely my own. Any adaptation and/or copy is forbidden.

i hope you are enjoying my stories! U help me a lot if you give me a ♡! All the love.

pris masterlist

A summer day was passing through the small community of Jackson. The trees provided a pleasant breeze that urged the children to play in the streets before going to school; and the flowers in the windows of the houses provided colors that made them forget the darkness of the outside world.

-That's all for today, honey —Maria peeked down the hallway.

-Are you sure you don't need me? I can stay and help you.

-Of course not, you covered a lot of time when I had to take care of my neglectful husband —she exclaimed, making us both laugh.

I grabbed my bag and walked out of the cozy little library and walk to home. Home. After so many years, i have a home to come back. I crossed the only street to see him at the end of the driveway, sitting on the front porch playing his guitar next to Ellie.

-Paris! Look... —she played a few light chords, causing Joel to look up with fatherly pride.

-I knew you'd make it.

-I have to go tell Lily —she got up and walked out as if his life depended on it, but came back to give me a brief but tender hug.

-Thank you for helping me with my literature homework, I wouldn't have understood a shit what the author was saying if it wasn't for you —and before I could answer she ran back to her friend's house.

Excitement was getting the better of me again as I tried to keep my eyes from watering. I turned to see Joel with his gaze locked on me, which was getting darker as his brown orbs swept over me. I bit my lower lip in provocation.

-Come here, angel —he patted his thigh and extended his hand.

Taking refuge in his strong arms, smelling his pine scent mixed with the slight hint of scotch, as I snuggled into his chest was the definition of what I enjoyed most about my day.

-How was work? —he asked, stroking my leg, lifting the fabric of my dress slightly.

-Just me and a stack of books. I love it. I helped a couple of guys look for one...¡oh!, and one girl wanted to read a story about friendship and adventure. Please Joel tell me if I'm talking too fast —I covered my face in embarrassment.

His laughter echoed in my ears, sending a shock through my body. Every time he laughed I recorded his melody in my mind.

-I could never get tired of listening to you, darlin’. And what book did you recommend her?

-Little Women. I remember when I was little I managed to smuggle it out of the QZ zone. It helped me forget about all the crap outside for a while. I'd pretend I was one of the March sisters, and I'd play Pilgrims and decorate the house for the holidays.

-You can do it now —I cocked an eyebrow at her response.-Ellie would like it. She loves everything you do together, and Maria could help you with the costumes.

I reached up to his face to place a kiss on his chin, cheek and forehead, and then our lips met. I wanted him to know that I adored how he protected and adored me day by day. And that I was his, today and always.

-Joel Miller, you old softie —I said, earning a pinch on my thighs.

-Do you want to know what you're doing to this old man by wearing that dress?

My lungs had run out of air in a second, despite the rushing wind. That's what Joel was doing to me. I nodded slightly, playing along. I put my legs on either side of his lap, and rested my hands on his chest.

I unbuttoned his shirt, and caressed the scars that adorned his torso, kissing them one by one, as I lowered my hand to the buckle of his pants.

-You're playing with fire, princess —he moaned softly, making me feel powerful as I saw the effect I was having on him.

The county had gathered in the movie theater, leaving the place empty. What an excellent coincidence.

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astralis-is-typing · 2 years ago

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We lost the Summer

⚝fic type: Y/A (coming-of-age)

⚝genre/contains: huening kai x reader, fluff, angst, gn!reader, non-idol!au, friends2lovers if you wish on your lucky stars haha

⚝warnings: quite a few mentions of food (mostly ice-cream), one mention of alcohol (beer), brief mention of bullying (unspecified)

⚝word count: 2.5k, pt 1/2 (part 2)

⚝A/N: To help combat the lack of stand-alone hyuka fics on here ꒰⁠⑅⁠ᵕ⁠༚⁠ᵕ⁠꒱⁠˖⁠♡ As the title suggests, this is inspired by the song of the same name by txt! Hope that helps explain why I'm posting a winter-themed fic on the onset of summer lol.

You always seemed to be missing a piece of stationery in 5th grade. Every time a lost pencil was replaced by your exasperated mother, there went your ruler the following week. It wasn’t until halfway into the term that you realized it was your plushie-loving deskmate, Kai. His speciality was pickpocketing your array of coloured glitter pens. Those were his favourite. It boiled your blood immensely but your teacher refused to change the seating plan, no matter how much you pleaded.

Between this and his penchant for tearing up pieces of paper to bits, you don’t even know how you and Huening Kai became friends.

It perhaps started as a result of one of his hushed comments about another classmate. He reminded you a lot of one of your aunts who loved to gossip. He even eagerly leaned in just like she did whenever you quickly whispered the latest playground drama into his awaiting ear. Kai would be stifling snorts as you exchanged notes under your shared table while your unsuspecting teacher jotted endless notes onto the whiteboard.

Sometimes, you thought he did this to make you feel better about the bullying you went through. If Kai ever found you sitting alone in class, sad after someone taunted you, he’d immediately crack a joke to make you feel better. All the kids were a little mean to each other, you’d try reason to yourself that way in a bid to keep what you thought was self-pity at bay. You just never really learned the art of sticking up for yourself. Kai took your mind off it. It was the best he could do as he hated confrontations of any kind.

Eventually, your friendship grew firm enough to bloom outside the confines of your school’s walls. It was a surprise to find out you lived on the same street. You’d never seen him while playing outside, but he explained his family would go visit his grandparents in another part of town on most weekends.

To add to that, Kai was quite the homebody and preferred to hole up in his room playing video games (while being surrounded by a hoard of stuffed animals) during his down time. This gradually changed the longer you two were friends. You lured him out of his den to be your dance buddy with promises of mint-chocolate ice cream and skittles as a reward.

You’d spend your weekends in each other’s company, bouncing between each other’s houses. You had been formally introduced to all his plushies, and your mom always served Kai extra helpings of whatever she was cooking when he came over.

The memory makes you sigh as you stand outside an ice-cream shop deciding what to order. The cool November breeze feels delicious as you stretch your legs after a long morning of studying in your university’s stuffy library. Your habit of eating ice-cream no matter the season had extended to your adult life. Other customers– bundled in their winter coats– eye you weirdly as you determinedly go over the shop’s ice-cream menu. Exam season was around the corner and the hours you had been putting in were starting to catch up with you. It showed through the eye bags sagging underneath your tired eyes and the yawns you barely manage to stifle under a gloved palm.

You’d moved to a different city after high school following your acceptance into a university there. The institution had been your second option– you’d narrowly missed your first and that fact had left you sour for months. Nevertheless, the classes were going good and the people you had met so far were nice enough… but when it came to finding a place that suited your niche for some much needed ‘me time’, you weren’t in luck. You missed your happy place, the record shop back home. No place in the city had offered you that comforting familiarity so far. It was quite a daunting experience to have to find new spots outside of your dorm to unwind.

You’d sometimes pop into that corner store even when you didn’t have the money to buy new music– just to look at what albums were up. The owner who’d come to know you well had gifted you an album when you graduated. You’d been saving up for the vinyl version so you could listen to it on the record player Kai got you for your thirteenth birthday.

He bought it for himself, really– because within a few months your shelves were filled with more of his albums than your own. He claimed he was tired of using the old gramophone his grandmother had given them, and would stumble into your room on a Saturday afternoon with his arms stacked with albums.

Sometimes, they were so many he’d have to cage the top of the hoard in with his chin. He’d be leaning back from the weight, his long black bangs obscuring his eyesight, and by the time he got to your doorstep the stack was teetering so precariously your mother had to relieve him of nearly half the collection as the two of them lugged the heap into the house.

Almost all your childhood memories contained Kai.

It made you dimly think that it wasn’t the places back home you missed. Rather, the memories they held. And if so many of these memories were about Kai then you should probably stop beating around the bush, and admit that you indeed missed him. You'd catch yourself checking your calendar more often than you cared to admit, having randomly remembered a date that was important to the two of you.

Every lunar eclipse, the Wednesday specials at your favourite restaurant, all his plushies’ birthdays, rock collectors’ day… all these silly little events that brought you two joy in between your harrowing school life. At the end of a long week- no matter what any of your classmates had said or the tests Kai had flunked– the two of you would still be able to scramble to his or your dining table with smiles, eagerly waiting for dinner.

You and Kai had unfortunately drifted apart towards the end of high school and over the course of the months spent in a new city you’d been convincing yourself that it didn’t bother you as much as you knew it did– deep down. You reckoned that even when you went back home at the end of the semester, the two of you wouldn’t have much in common. You had matured over time and you were sure Kai had too.

A big part of your moving away was about becoming a better version of yourself– away from the influences you grew up with. Initially, it had been a real struggle to find your footing; you subconsciously felt that you had something to prove to the kids you went to school with. They were always putting you down and you had ended up changing so many aspects of yourself at the time and sucking up to them to be more likeable.

You’d started hanging out with a different crowd around your senior year, ironically containing some of the people who would bully you. It was easier to ignore that fact than the spurts of serotonin you got every time you said something witty enough to make them laugh. Your school didn’t have much of a social hierarchy, so you wouldn’t necessarily call them the ‘cool kids’. That was far too cliché. They were just… different. Wholly unlike your small group of friends that you’d had previously.

It irked Kai, seeing you put up some type of façade. Granted, he had begun to change too, becoming more temperamental in his late teenage years. To you, he was far too moody and snapped too often. So many of your little arguments turned into big fights and eventually there was an ice wall between the two of you.

The tension had really stressed you out at first, but your mother had told you to give things time to cool down. Your family was still wholesomely pleasant to Kai, even though his visits became few and far in between. She’d said that the two of you would still be friends in the end, that if it was ‘meant to be’ it would work itself out. You had been sceptical about that take, and even more so when her advice didn’t work.

He stopped coming over, the few albums he’d left on your shelf abandoned and gradually gathering dust as you couldn’t bring yourself to listen to them without him. The two of you were exchanging nothing more than rushed pleasantries in the hallways by that point.

Wandering through the city alone reminded you strongly of those lonely lunch time hours following your fallout with Kai. You would usually run all your plans through him and the two of you would figure out what to do together. Nevertheless, the loneliness taught you to have some individuality, and there were no ‘if’s or ‘but’s about that. It was the trait you admired most in Kai. His ability to block out all the noise and do whatever the heck he wanted.

Kai never succumbed to peer pressure, even at a young age. More so during the onslaught of crush culture, when he simply laughed (unnecessarily loud) at the antics your classmates pulled to impress their desired guy or girl. Huening Kai would be caught dead sacrificing his lunch money to woo someone with a gift he bought instead. When he was on the receiving end of such bestowals, however, his boisterous laughter would be replaced with a bashful giggle as he amicably thanked whoever gifted him.

You’d caught yourself gazing at him rather too fondly yourself… noticing little attributes that endeared him to you in a way that sparked a foreign sensation in your gut. The way his lips puckered when he had his cheeks stuffed with a cupcake, the faint smell of his mother’s favourite detergent that lingered on your pillow long after a sleepover had ended… the teasing lilt his voice would adopt as he called out your name while messily tying his soccer cleats’ laces...

Some days you would run ahead of him just to hear it, leaving him to struggle as he hunkered down in a corner of the grassy soccer pitch. However, your older sister had advised you against making any kind of move. Having been the victim of unsuccessful confessions herself, she’d warned that you would be ruining a good friendship. And so your budding infatuation simmered to an eventual halt.

—

Walking the familiar path back to the university, you were drawn out of your reverie by a dog running up to you and wagging its tail at your feet. The poor thing barely reached your shin and your heart swelled at the sight of its tiny brown frame. Its owner smiled at you cordially as you reached down to pat it, its fluffy fur comforting you even through your gloves as you hold your ice-cream at arm’s length with your other hand. The best part about winter-time ice-cream sprees was that you didn’t need to worry much about it melting and dripping onto the pup.

As it merrily trotted back to its owner you took a short lick of your treat with a smile on your face, marvelling at how such a small encounter could change the course of your day for the better. It was these little excitements that reminded you of why you’d taken the chance and moved.

The city isn't all bad, you muse, looking into the buildings you pass that are buzzing with activity as the day wears on. As you’d previously established, the people around here were nice. You’d made at least one good friend this semester. A lanky, fluffy haired boy named Soobin. Oh, how you wish you could stuff him in your pocket! Sure, you had to crane your neck up to look him in the eye and his hands were so big that your face could fit in one alone, but his soft disposition absolved your initial intimidation.

Soobin was in your economics class and had approached you in the cafeteria two weeks into the term, offering you a seat at his lunch table with a few of his friends. The space was so huge and it was jarring trying to find a place to sit. You remember shyly agreeing; silently kicking yourself for managing to give off a ‘lost puppy’ kind of vibe when you were supposed to be making a shot at being independent. By now, however, you had gotten sufficient time to practice– there were so many decisions you had to make for yourself now... socially, mentally and especially financially.

Hacking this new chapter of your life solo had been a tempting plan, but Soobin was fun to be around. Between your shared love for gaming and his seemingly aloof personality that complemented your over-analysing one, the two of you made quite the pair. On top of that he was a great wingman on the rare occasion you met someone you found cute at a fair or convention.

You hadn’t yet been swept up by the notorious college night life (not with the workload your major came with), but Soobin was still with you the few times you’d actually attend a party. He’s the one who would get you invited anyway; you didn’t know how he did it since he was such a homebody. Him sticking with you had more to do with keeping you from escaping than anything else, though.

“You really need to enjoy this time while you’re at it,” he had tried persuading you on one such occasion, switching your mocktail for a beer. You’d been quick to shove it back in his retreating hand, spilling a little of your drink on your shorts in the process. He’d laughed at you rumbustiously for what felt like forever until you nagged him, calling him by his full name and ordering him to go get you a napkin.

“You’ll miss these opportunities sorely when you’re like, forty and have kids to feed.” He’d called back ominously as he disappeared into the crowd. He was still rambling on about how these were the ‘prime years’ of your life while being swept up into the sea of swaying bodies and you struggled to hear him over the bass of the pop song blaring through the speakers. You vaguely recalled that it was your sister’s favourite and raised a glass in her honour. Somehow, you managed to spill even more of your drink in the process. Soobin just happened to return at that moment, and your dimpled friend could barely contain his amusement even when shot with the deadliest glare you could muster.

The pleasure Soobin derived from your misfortunes strongly reminded you of Kai, who’s favourite misgiving of yours was your clumsiness. You vividly remember a day when you were rushing from math to P.E., attempting to tie your shoelaces while standing. As you tumbled to the ground in a hazardous heap, his laugh echoed down the hallways, causing teachers in the nearby classrooms to peep through their respective doors and glare at you two disapprovingly.

⚝A/N: I've been working on this story for quite a while and I'm happy with the way it's turning out :) I'd love to hear your thoughts xx

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