#player 3 have so much pondering pls pls pls

[hexxter]

Player 2:

- not even out yet

My brain:

OK but Player 3 would be lit

They could be Sora, Yozora…

Or a background faceless character we didn’t knew about in the games till will point out later

They could be a character in Quadratum as they’re pretty much dead so

They could have their heart resting in another’s person (subject x for example)

Idk just give me Player 3.. Player 2 is confirmed dead anyway 😔

[felassan]

DA4 Lead Producer Scylla Costa’s BIG Festival talk, “Challenges of Dragon Age production during the pandemic”, can currently be rewatched on YouTube here starting roughly at timestamp 8:57:02 after a lil presenter blurb/intro. It’s 1 hour long. When it was streamed live, there was an English translation ‘voiceover’. There isn’t in this vid, however I want to post the link for Portuguese speakers, and also it’s neat for everyone to be able to see all the slides he presented with for themselves in context.

I don’t know if an English-language version will get put up so I’m sharing the notes I took during the talk below, in case anyone’s interested and because I might as well since I wrote them. The rest of this post is under a cut due to length.

Edit: Found a place to re-watch the English version of the talk

(Quick note: I didn’t note down everything, mostly things that caught my interest, so this isn’t exhaustive, and when I was watching I was real tired, so pls bear that in mind and don’t take these notes as bullet-proof 100% accurate gospel or direct quotes. If you watched it and think I’ve written down something wrong/misunderstood, let me know and I’ll fix. Also if you’re a Portuguese speaker and I’ve gotten something incorrect or missed something important etc, again just let me know.) **

** Edit: I’ve now gone through my notes while watching the talk again. I’ve filled in some of the gaps (although they still don’t cover everything said) and so forth, and now I’m no longer worried about there being possible errors in this post.

-----

For some context, this slide contained the breakdown of the talk’s structure. Bear in mind there are other slides present in the talk than the ones I’ve posted here, I didn’t include caps of all of them, just ones which were of note to me.

In the talk, chief Producer Scylla goes over challenges of DA4 production during the pandemic. He discusses the adaptations - necessary skills and learning from remote work - and he ponders on the future of teamwork.

After the launch of ME3 he became a producer, all his MMO and other experience helped a lot. He was on DAI for 3 years and MEA for 9 months, then Anthem. Today, on DA4, Scylla and another Lead Producer were the heads of the whole project, and there is his boss is the Executive Producer Christian Dailey. 

^ the usual AAA game development cycle (brief introduction)

AAA games are games that are launched for several platforms simultaneously. 

In BioWare’s case, the pre-production phase of the game development cycle can have from 5 - 30 people, and up to almost 60 people when they’re just about to go through the gate to production. 

In the pre-production phase, they go through the game’s concepts and prototypes and start developing systems. They seek the game’s concept and focus, and its key features. They do lots of market research. In the case of BioWare, all their games are strong in narrative, so they have lots of tools related to game narratives and supporting the development of a narrative (cinematic design, dialogue system etc) that get focused on in this phase. Other parts of the team such as writers and cinematic design need these systems to do their own roles. 

In BioWare’s case, the pre-production phase through to launch can take 4 - 6 years, but it does depend on the size of the team during development.

With regards to Dragon Age 4, they were coming close to the time when they would shift from pre-production to the production stage when the pandemic hit.

During the production phase is when the development of content and features takes place, with the systems mostly already existing from the pre-production phase. A few new systems may be developed in this phase. In the production phase is when things start escalating, and the team really starts growing, to like 2- or 3-fold the prior pre-production phase size. 

(DA4 is currently in the production phase.)

In the alpha phase, features have to be fully implemented and systems all have to be running / working. All the game features should already be in the game by now. They test from pre-production onwards, but this phase is when they run heavy technical tests with lots of players trying to play at the same time. In the beta phase, the idea is that you should now have full content and that now you’re balancing it and running more and lots of different tests with players before launch. There are final tweaks and then the final launch, when in the weeks prior to launch, all the different business units and areas e.g. marketing team, technology team, publishing team, get together once a day and all of the game’s issues are reported and brought to the table to be prioritized. Then they decide the next steps re: these issues (this is known as ‘the war room’).

After the launch there are usually patches like day zero patches and other patches, this being standard industry practise. The last stage is the new content stage where there are DLCs and a game with more content.

On March 12th 2020, the team gathered to review the DA4 story in the new office. Everyone was very excited. (They had spent over 10 years in their last building and had noticed that with the team growing they needed more space. In August 2019 they found the new studio in the city center.)

Anyway that evening, they got an email from the CEO which contained instructions and said that due to the pandemic, they should from now all start working remotely. They had known that this happening was a possibility so they had been planning on how to have all the devs working from home, but initially less than 50% of the devs were able to work from home successfully/efficiently due to various issues e.g. you need a VPN to be able to log in remotely to do your job normally, varying home office setups. The day after this, the office was basically deserted, except for Scylla, the IT infrastructure people and one or two odd devs.

Scylla was part of the team that was working on allowing the devs to work from home. They first started looking at the short-term changes they needed to make to allow this.

“First, take care of our developers”. 

When the pandemic first hit, their and Scylla’s [as Lead Producer] first priority was to look after the devs. Many of them are parents (schools and day-cares were shut, children were studying from home), others have relatives living with them, others have other personal circumstances which of course need to be taken into account when it comes to assessing what needs to be taken into consideration for this new scenario. So, they looked at each dev on a case-by-case basis in order to evaluate, speaking to each one and asking them what they could do to support them.

One of the first changes/adaptations they could implement was flexible working hours and flexibility around deadlines. Generally speaking the devs got a lot of support, EA was really good and really supported the devs especially in the first months of the pandemic (and they are still supporting them). Initially not all devs had suitable office spaces at home, some were working from the living room from laptops or at the kitchen table. The whole covid situation basically just happened over night and nobody was really ready to deal with that change. So their first step was to enable their devs to work remotely. As a producer, Scylla’s main task is to communicate with the team such as via a number of daily meetings. He doesn’t depend so much on powerful hardware.

“Enable developers to work remotely”.

This slide shows some of a BioWare audio team. Different teams have varying and specific needs in order to do their jobs and therefore in order to do them remotely. For example, the audio team need good-quality speakers and amplifiers, while the lighting and art teams need other specific equipment such as tablets and large screens. So there was a lot of work they had to do to go through each dev to understand their individual needs and what needed to be done for them. ‘Could they download the builds? Did they have the right performance [tech-wise]? Could they submit their changelists, their codes to the server?’

Some devs needed a more powerful internet connection as it would take 6-8 hours to download a build (some devs live rurally). Some needed a lot of cable, as they were working far away from their routers (sometimes up to 50m). As time went by things got better and better. 

The chair devs work from is also important; a kitchen able chair etc is not suitable to sit in for long-term desk work, possibly leading to health issues like back ache and blood circulation problems in the legs.

Every 3 months they had money given to help devs buy new mice, keyboards, monitors - anything they needed really in order for their office setting at home to be improved. For a while, because lots of people [generally, in society] were needing and buying them, it was quite hard to buy things like webcams and microphones.

On mid- and long-term changes:

In terms of DA, we have to look at this from 2 perspectives, the change in the personal and the professional environments. 

As a consequence of working from home, people tend to be less active during the day (even in an office, you go between meeting rooms, up and down stairs etc). Physical activity supports life quality and therefore work quality. Scylla noticed that he began to feel listless and such, and found that he needed to change his routine that he had initially developed when he started working from home, for example; having a normal start time (as in, have a semblance of structure in your day as if you were still working in the office site), get dressed at the normal time, not having meetings over lunch etc. This wasn’t just him, lots of other devs encountered this and had this experience too. Devs which adapted faster had better productivity and became more productive faster.

Scylla bought a stand-up desk which he can raise up and down, and at meetings he would be delivering a talk while standing or even while walking on a treadmill. Other devs also got stand-up desks. He tracked his body’s data on a Fitbit. These sorts of things helped improve physical and mental wellbeing. Other devs did similar things, like starting going out for jogs or began practising yoga. Essentially, everyone needed to make changes to their daily routine in comparison to what they had been doing prior to the pandemic. 

The pandemic has been a thing for over a year now. In their location, every couple of weeks a new restriction is put into place or a rule is changed, and every two weeks there’s a new thing that you can and can’t do. Scylla also started moving around his property. He worked on his desk, fixed it up and painted - taking up a new hobby. Other devs picked up new hobbies too. These are good ways to be active and also to be somewhere else, i.e. to break up the working day and not be spending it all in one home office-type location. Scylla found that when he made these sorts of changes to his routine to improve his lifestyle, the data output by his Fitbit as indicators of his health/wellbeing etc improved, e.g. number of steps taken in a day, heartbeats per minute while at rest. As stated many of the other devs went through a similar process.

On the professional side of things:

They had to improve remote delivery of builds. Accessing things from home as a dev requires a VPN. They need to download a build every day and then upload it to the server after making their changes to the game. They had to work with infrastructure and research other tech, such as streaming tech to allow remote console access, in order to better facilitate this process. For remote access, they also had to work on adapting communications channels.

“Adapting channels of communication.”

In this slide, the team are working on the storyboards. Before you can implement motion capture & performance capture, you have to ‘run the storyboards’ like this. These are small illustrating drawings which reflect the drafts and are meant to quickly reflect the intention of the scenes that are to be built. Before the pandemic, the team would go to meeting rooms like this, sit down, talk and interact in person. After the pandemic, the question became ‘How do you do this over Zoom?’ You can, but it’s not quite the same; it’s harder to see peoples’ expressions, some people are embarrassed speaking over Zoom etc. Therefore they had to adapt their communications systems, and unlearn the ways in which they developed before in order to relearn and learn new ways of communicating.

Slack was a tool that they adopted on this front. Communications channels can be confusing on Slack, so there was a need to develop structure. For example, how quickly should someone reply (as a recommended convention for the purposes of work)? They had to define the process/procedures for the channels so it was clear for the team as a whole how it would all flow (this is important especially if you have a team with say 30 people or as a whole hundreds of people). Before the pandemic, they had stand-up meetings where they’d go around in a circle every morning and talk about their activities - what they’re going to be working on, any roadblocks they had encountered etc. The question arose ‘How do you replace these?’ They ended up doing Slack messages at a certain time of day and updating their statuses with some details on what they’re working on and color-coding (green - fine, yellow - need help, red - busy/blocked out).

Another issue that they faced was unforeseen - the number of meetings that devs were having really shot through the roof. When there wasn’t a good structure of communications channels, any conversation would become a meeting. Everybody began scheduling meetings left and right, and at the end of the day they would have little time left in which to actually work on their to-do lists. Hence, they had to work with the team to really analyze and be very pragmatic. ‘Which meetings needed to happen? Which didn’t? Is a specific meeting really necessary? Which meetings should be recurring? What can be done over Slack?’ This guideline had to be given to the team to help, and it improved things a lot. The number of meetings decreased a lot and they got more effective. For example, by making sure to set an agenda for meetings beforehand, and by having meeting notes (then a dev who didn’t really need to be at a meeting could skip attending and just quickly review the notes output after instead). They also decreased the standard length of meeting times from the default Outlook blocks of 1 hour and 30 mins to 55 mins and 25 mins respectively. This 5 minute change gave devs time for things like bio breaks (also 4 hours in a row at a computer in a home office with one meeting after another just isn’t good for a person).

“Adapting p-cap and mocap”.

On content:

From a content point of view, the most difficult thing in terms of the pandemic was adapting p-cap and mocap (performance capture and motion capture). They hire actors and it’s a large studio. The pandemic meant big limits to what they could and couldn’t do. The actors had to be masked and 5 meters apart in distance (although it doesn’t look like it in some of these shots due to angles). Also there could be no other person around in the studio - only the actors. The directors instead would ‘patch’ in remotely on big screens (you can see this in the second photo in the top right). 

Before the pandemic, they felt that they wouldn’t be able to do p-cap or mocap properly remotely, as the directors would usually stand right next to actors giving guidance on their performance. The techs would also usually be near. But they adapted! The keyword is adapting, changing process. It’s harder and it’s different, but it is possible, and people start rethinking what is possible. What was said to be impossible before now is possible.

P-cap differs to mocap in that it also captures voice and facial expressions.

On the future of work after covid:

There will probably be more working from home and more flexibility for workers e.g. being able to work say 3 out of 5 days from home. It does depend on what a dev’s specific job is however. For example, the audio engineers require lots of specialist equipment and said equipment is of higher quality and quantity in the office. So, depending on role, devs might be working more often or less often from home.

Another development is that lots of devs are moving house. In lockdown etc people started reassessing what’s most important in life. Some are moving further away from the studio to get a cheaper rent or for example couples who both needed an office space to work from home from but their current place only had one area. Others are moving closer to nature for a better quality of life, and still others have other different reasons for doing so. Over 10 devs that he knows in fact have recently moved, including Scylla himself.

The pandemic changed certain skills being used by people on a daily basis. Scylla used as an example of this one of his soft skills, being able to tell from looking/interacting in-person with someone if they are stressed out. Obviously it’s less easy to tell if someone is stressed out when you’re remote, so you adapt different ways of checking in with people in the new situation. To continue carrying out his role as Lead Producer, he began checking in with his team pro-actively on the new comms channels and asking how they were doing.

Also, now that companies are more open to working remotely, there is going to be increased competition for hiring devs. They saw both sides of this coin at BioWare. They were able to hire devs from many places that they couldn’t hire from before e.g. Montreal, Vancouver, the US, as there’s less need for devs to relocate to Edmonton or Austin. This opens up opportunities to hire really intelligent and skilled people that they would not have had access to before.

Question and answer segment:

The pre-production phase has been concluded. They’re in the production phase.

They are not giving out a lot of details yet but Scylla is really excited as a big fan of the whole series. He thinks that with DA4, they will have the opportunity/possibility to launch the best story out of all DA games. He feels that the characters they’re making are amazing. He’s dying to say more but can’t. 

When you work from home you need to keep your team as productive as possible. During the pandemic, when people started working from home, they noticed that some people became more productive and some people became less productive. They were analyzing it on a case-by-case basis so as not to make assumptions. They were interested in seeing what they could do to help. At the beginning of the pandemic, they were looking at the devs as people and seeing what they needed.

Production of DA4 still needed to continue during the pandemic because they want to be able to launch the game.

This slide shows a writer. Writing is an example of a role which is more able to work from home easily.

Their productivity did go down in the first month of the pandemic. After adaptations, some people then became more productive than they were before (this was role and personal situation-dependent, examples of this being artists and coders who were able to art and code at home without being interrupted, thereby being able to produce more). Covid has affected productivity in general, but this is part of our new reality. They have adapted and adjusted some deadlines. They have enough data (Scylla LOVES data) now to understand how long it will take them/how long they’ll need to launch the game. They have always had historical data for this purpose, but they’re doing more of this sort of thing now to ensure that they are doing things at the right time.

Remote hiring opens up the door to more talent joining, so if someone has talent geography will hold them back less. Some companies though may choose not to hire people from other countries due to labor issues, cumbersome legal aspects, time zones. But even in such cases there are activities for example that can be carried out while the rest of the team is asleep such as testing or working on the build, or there are cases where those companies still will want to hire a specifically/highly talented person even in spite of the potential legal aspects and so on.

On mental health: People were affected. There is the mental, physical and social impacts of the pandemic situation on people. EA supported them during the pandemic in terms of their mental wellbeing, there are specific companies (services offered, speaking to a therapist) that they can contact if they need something or help. EA had always been good at supporting them with this sort of thing but this has improved further during the pandemic. Another change was that they could/can take a couple of days off if they needed/need to because of the pandemic e.g. to take care of children, who were obviously not at school at the time. As a producer he had to be very mindful of all of this. How much they were monitoring peoples’ wellbeing really went up during the pandemic.

A question that was asked - in terms of DA4′s storybeats, is there anything in there that they decided to change due to the pandemic as it wouldn’t be sensitive or appropriate to include anymore, for example a plague plotline or something? Scylla’s answer is that DA and ME are games in which they try to have narratives that are relatable, which include things which people will identify with, so that players understand what characters are going through etc. Nothing in DA4′s plotline/storybeats has been changed (in the frame of this question, relating to the pandemic), as it didn’t have anything in it that could be specifically or a directly connected to a pandemic-type situation or anything. Of course the DA story has Blights and the Taint, but these are different & fantastical things and existed long before the pandemic situation. So this wasn’t the case with DA4 and there was no need to change anything, but this has happened to other games where they decided to change a storyline due to a strong correlation with something in the real world.

There were then concluding/closing remarks. The message he wants to send is that a crisis will always spark opportunities. Look at a crisis and try to see how you can grow.

-----

[☕ found this post interesting or useful? my ko-fi is here if you feel inclined. thank you 🙏]

[littlemisslipbalm]

Little Border Town Pt. 3

Summary: It begins with a man and a woman, as it always seems to. One lives in France and the other lives in Italy, technically, but they’re also neighbors. Various issues arise between these two and they can’t ever seem to see eye to eye on anything. Will they ever move past their petty fighting or is the little town they live in doomed to only gossip about what Harry and Y/N are fighting about today? 

Part 3: the one with the boat and the beginning of a storm

IT’S BEEN AGESSSS I AM SO SO SORRY I LOVE YALL SO MUCH AND EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER READ THIS THANK YOU FOR BEING PATIENT

also harry is wearing this fit in this part just no tie?? i think i cant remember

college has been incredibly crazy this year already and i just dont have time to write like i did before i went back. i honestly had this mostly finished and i havent reread so i have no idea what even happens so lmk what you think, i can’t imagine that it will get a lot of notes but if it did id be very happy about that - anyways lots of love and feedback appreciated as always...pls enjoy

Word Count: 6.6k | Warnings: ?? Swearing? idek, more yearning bc slow burn

Catch up here! part 1 | 2 |

-

“Isn’t the weather not ideal for boat sailing today,” she ponders as her face looks up at the sky. She’s walking into Harry’s store again after running back to her place to grab a jacket and lock up. She placed a notecard in the door’s window that says “closed today, see you tomorrow” with a smiling face as punctuation.

Harry grins, bouncing on the balls of his feet. He had sailing boots on his feet with a smart big-collared printed shirt and marigold trousers. Instead of a belt, he had suspenders that matched the color of his pants and a pearl necklace as his final accessory other than his rings. He must have repainted his nails this morning because they were a light lavender shade that hadn’t been noticeable last night.

“It’s just fine. We’re entering fall and the sun is out today!” He gestures to the sky above them and she nods in agreement that the sun is indeed out. However she wasn’t sure if she’d categorize it as a nice day to go out on the sea still. With the sun there were also many clouds, they were mostly white and fluffy, but she was sure they could turn sinister any moment.

“Ready?” He beams.

“As I’ll ever be.”

-

On the boat, Y/N felt her stomach churning. Was she giddy or unnerved? Likely, both.

Harry was tying the boat off the dock after helping her onto the deck. It wasn’t a huge boat, not a yacht or anything, but it also wasn’t a tiny sailboat. It had an upper deck where maybe four people - at most - could comfortably be. Then a lower deck, inside a hatch in the upper deck. She couldn’t discern how much space was down there, but she was sure Harry would show her. He was talking through everything he was doing on the boat. Ad nauseum for an extremely nontechnical girl, such as herself.

Still, she sat in the spot he had directed her to next to the closed hatch and watched him move gracefully around the boat. Maneuvering the sails and different parts of the boat was a dance for Harry. Each step, each twist and knot, moved by a song unknown to her. It was beautiful. He was completely in his element, surprisingly. Again, Harry surprised her. She knew he had a boat, but whenever she thought of a jerk with a boat she didn’t think of what she was seeing with her own eyes. It was beautiful - or at least, it would be, if he’d shut his big mouth that was now making her roll her eyes as he made a pun about boats.

“So,” Harry starts finally, finishing up whatever he needed to do to get the boat off the dock and on the path he wanted. They were moving out into open water, she could see the little town, but it was growing smaller by the minute. Her stomach churned again as she looked up at the man she had just trusted to take her out onto the ocean. She grimaced slightly at the thought.

“Do you want to see the inside?” he continued.

She nods eagerly, “Finally!”

He chuckles lightly before opening up the hatch and gesturing for her to go first. She looks at him hesitantly.

“This isn’t a trap right? It’s not going to be all...murder-y down there?” Her voice is pitched higher, she’s almost completely serious.

This time Harry’s laugh comes from his belly, almost doubling over at the word ‘murder-y’. Between laughs, he tries to reassure her. “God no...oh my god.” More laughter, then a deep breath. “The only evil entity on this boat is the diavola I invited on here,” he gestures to her standing in front of him and her eyes narrow. Displeasure washing over her features.

“You’re ridiculous,” her hand swats at his sternum before she turns from him and climbs down to the underdeck area.

When she’s down, she’s surprised with her surroundings and she doesn’t notice Harry follow quickly behind her. It’s neat and stylish. Well, she’s not completely surprised, Harry was very fashionable. But the neatness dissipated all thoughts of the improbable scenario where Harry had lured her on his boat to murder her. It was what she had been freaking out over when she had at first refused to enter.

There was a small daybed at the end of the hall that doubled as a couch, a door to a bathroom, a dining area, a kitchenette, and then the random area they were standing in. It wasn’t super spacious, it was a hallway with things around it, but it was clean and it smelled nice. Everything had a place and they were neatly put in their places. After a moment, she turned at the feeling of Harry’s presence behind her.

He grinned, scanning the areas her eyes had just taken in for the first time. His green eyes were filled with admiration. “Do you like it?”

“Yeah, smells like you.” She nods matter of factly.

“Huh?” His head whips to her, sure he hadn’t heard her right.

“The whole place is very you,” she looks away from him and walks down the hall to the daybed and takes a seat, “Styles-ish.”

He follows quickly behind, shaking his head out of his own thoughts.

He mumbles a thanks, not catching the play on words she’d used with his last name. She smiles to herself, pleased. He stands in the doorway, not really wanting to sit beside her. Maybe he didn’t trust himself with being in such close proximity with her anymore. No, not after last night.

Her eyes widen slightly when he leans against the doorway and crosses his arms. The sleeves of his button-up had been rolled up when he had been working with the sails. Her lips suddenly are dry and she wets them with her tongue, eyes moving to the fabric of the blanket she’s sat on top of.

“I meant to say,” Harry breaks the silence, obviously not a fan of the quiet. A hand leaves his pose and runs through his hair, rings classically tugging at his curls. He swallows before he speaks again, “Thanks, uh, for stopping me last night. That would’ve been weird…”

He trails off and her eyes go wide again, but now they’re trained on his face. His eyes are downcast now, watching the way light plays off his rings. She tries to make out the sound in his voice, the expression he’s trying to hide with indifference. Her teeth tug her bottom lip into her mouth as she thinks, silence once again taking hold of the small, small room. The air is tense, static, unmoving, the complete opposite of the water that rushes just outside the walls of the boat.

She clears her throat and Harry locks eyes with her, “No problem...alcohol and atmosphere, clouds the head. I get it.” She did, but she also hadn’t wanted the gratitude Harry had just placed on her.  

“You booze, you lose,” he smiles, straightening up and she looks at him quizzically.

“That’s such an odd phrase.”

“No it’s not!”

“It’s a play on ‘you snooze, you lose’ right?” She leans forward, face looking smugly up at Harry’s offended face.

“Well, yeah,” Harry admits.

“I can’t believe you made that up and got it tattooed,” She states breezily and then stands. She brushes past him to look around the rest of the cabin.

Harry scoffs, not even noticing the way her fingers had brushed over his naked forearm as she passed, too focussed on his indignation. “How’d you know about the tattoo?”

“Naked neighbor? Never closing his shade? Do you seriously need a refresher course already? Seriously, boat boy, I really thought you were smarter than that,” She talks as she snoops around the different parts of the cabin. She pokes at figurines and looks at little photos and paintings. Her head looks over her shoulder and she laughs happily at Harry’s face of irritation. It was so easy to push his buttons.

“Don’t call me boat boy,” he seethes, but she knows he’s not really mad. More like he’s a child who got told no dessert before dinner. A laugh rocks through her body again and bubbles to the surface. It causes Harry to soften, this time there’s no alcohol in his system to account for the feeling he just felt. He mirrors the smile she has. That is until she reaches the kitchenette and finds a rack of CDs sitting beside the sink.

She turns from him and begins to leaf through them, most of them are artists she recognizes. But then she reaches some that are just titled “Demo” with various numbers beside the word. Her fingers nimbly pick out “Demo #1” and turn back to Harry with an inquisitive gaze. His green eyes are bigger than usual, the smile gone from his face.

“These from the boy band days?” She smiles wider as he turns a little red. She crosses closer to him, remembering the sight of a cd player in the main area where the entrance to the cabin was.

“Erm..no.” She flips around again, confused again, but then it dawns on her. “Demos for my solo work.”

“That you put on hold to take over for your Uncle.”

“Great Uncle.” He corrects.

“I know.” She waited a second, where she was about to be quick to play the CD, she now wanted to get Harry’s permission. It might be a little more personal than she had first thought. “Can we listen to this one? You’d technically be taking me up on the request to play for me sometime.”

“Yeah, they’re rough - obviously. So if you could try to not bruise my ego, at least not more than you usually do,” he grins and she looks at him with dead eyes. A smile cracks on her face quickly, still.

“I wouldn’t...this is different,” she struggles to find the right words. She would never make fun of something he cared a lot about, not now. She wasn’t that person, it was odd to think he maybe saw her like that. She shook away the thought and focused on placing the CD in its player correctly.

The first song begins to play, he’s right it is rough, it’s a demo. There’s no backing vocals or beat of any kind. Just a voice and a guitar. And it’s amazing. After the guitar intro, she lets out a breath she had been holding when she hears the voice. His voice. It’s beautiful. And she’s shocked, her eyes flash to Harry. He’s nibbling at his bottom lip, watching her hear it for the first time. His voice from all those years ago.

“Brooklyn saw me empty at the news, there’s no water inside this swimming pool.”

Her eyes light up again at the lyrics and she smiles, finding it melancholic yet slightly funny at the same time. It was interesting, the words, his voice, the meaning. Some bits of information eluded her, but she knew she enjoyed the song.

“And I’ve been praying, I never did before.”

Even as the song moved on from this one lyric, she felt it replaying in her head as she watched the singer in front of her. Years older than he had been when he had written this song. She was filled with questions and paused the CD as the guitar faded out.

“That’s it?” Harry laughs, “Just one song? It was really that horrible?”

“Oh my god, no!” She is emphatic, needing Harry to understand she’s serious. She takes a step closer to his figure. He had traveled closer to her while the song had played. They were almost chest to chest and her hand goes out to touch his forearm. “I really liked it, genuinely. I just needed a moment before the next one.”

“Bracing yourself?”

“Stop, I’m serious. It was beautiful. Your voice is wonderful, Harry.”

His eyes sparkle at the praise, finally believing she’s not taking the piss. Then his eyes dropped from her gaze, “I was a lot younger then, was 21 I think when I recorded this demo.”

“So? A voice like that doesn’t just disappear, dude.” She looks at him with a finality in her expression before dropping the hand that was firmly gripping his tattooed arm and turning back to the CD player.

Harry bites his lip as another one of his early songs plays over the shoddy speakers. His voice repeats “Meet me in the hallway” over the solo guitar. There’s no echo or bass, no count in like the final song was supposed to have. It’s just him and his guitar, before he chose to leave it all behind.

His voice is sadder here, she notices and she visibly winces at “just take the pain away” and “just let me know, I’ll be on the floor” and his repetition of “gotta get better.”

How did this man, who seemed fazed by practically nothing, have so much hurt in him to write both of these songs? Her eyes welled with water, but she blinked them back still staring at the singer before her. He was watching the CD spin in the player as his voice came through the speakers. He was lost in thought, in memory. Maybe she was lucky, these weren’t memories for her, she was only hearing his interpretation of his life. She hadn’t had to live that pain first hand. This time she doesn’t pause before the next song.

The next one seems more produced than the last two. This one starts with drums, a step up from the last two acoustic demos in respect to production. A big crash and then a wailing guitar and an accompanying voice. His voice is stronger here, more sure of himself. And then it changes again, melancholic once again and her heart strings are yanked at again.

“We’re not who we used to be, we’re just two ghosts standing in the place of you and me, trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat.”

The guitar continues that sad tone for a riff and then goes back to strumming beneath his voice. She shifts her eyes to him again and sighs softly, it weighs heavy on her soul that the man next to her has seemingly been through so much heartache. He looks up at “We don’t see what we used to see” and she holds his gaze, brows knit together in confusion and sadness. She pauses this time, finger reaching out without looking.

“This is depressing, please tell me they’re not all sad songs or I might as well have turned on a pet rescue commercial.”

His smile etches on his face, in a small knowing smirk and he crosses into her personal space. She’s about to step back, but he reaches out and softly bats her finger away from the pause/play button. She smiles back, shuffling to lean against the counter beside him. It was unusual for them to be on the same side of the counter, much like last night at the bar.

“There’s six songs on this demo. Three sad, three…” he trails off, looking at her expectantly. She nods. “You gotta learn to be a little less impatient, hmm?”

“Not impatient, just trying to brace myself for more sadness. I thought I had been promised a day of fun,” she grumbles.

“I wasn’t the one who suggested a demo listening party,” his brows raise and she twists her mouth to the side at his smug response.

“True,” she finally concedes with a murmur.

He presses play and a new song comes on that is more upbeat than any of the other’s that have played so far. It also seems to be a bit more produced than the first two. Her hand rests on the countertop and begins to tap, she quirks her brow at the first lyric “she’s got a family in carolina, so far away, but she says I remind her of home.”  A girl who likened Harry Styles to the South of the United States, interesting. As she listens to the lyrics, she smirks at the massive crush he must have had to write this song. The “good girl” lyrics bounce around in her mind and her mind drifts back to last night. Would it have felt good? To kiss Harry?

Then, she’s brought out of her reverie with “I met her once and wrote a song about her”. Her eyes widen and look to Harry again inquisitively as his past self muses over how good this girl felt. He wrote about a one night stand? That woman must have been magic. That was all she had to say about that.

“Really?” She asks incredulously, folding her arms over her chest. His gaze flickers at the movement, human nature. He presses pause.

“What?”

“A one night stand earned that?”

He looked at her seriously, like the answer was obvious. She laughs before continuing.

“You’re a simp.”

“I’m sorry?” He sputters at her statement immediately.

She raises her brows as a response now. Nothing else to say.

“She wasn’t a one night stand,” he defends, “She was a blind date...and it had been after a dry spell.”

She starts to laugh, about to give another snarky response, but he adds, “And I was twenty-one.” The numbers specifically enunciated.

“You’re still a simp in my book...but I liked the song. It was catchy, rock vibes in there. I don’t know about her telling you remind her of Carolina - north or south, I don’t see it.”

He eyes her warily, still not happy with her titling him that gen z term that was super popular all over the internet. He took her in and he knew she was only three years younger than him, he was pretty sure, yet she used ‘simp’ and ‘vibes’ like they were lexicon words. He didn’t hate it, it was just different than what he usually heard in the little border town. Italian not having translations for things like that, English was so interesting, internet language was so interesting.  

“I-” He starts and stops. “She said it. Was she right? That’s not my place to judge.”

“I don’t know,” Y/N pressed, words dragging out playfully, “Personally, I wouldn’t want to be a reminder of the U.S. South, but okay...simp.”

“I swear to god if you call me that one more time, I’m throwing you overboard and I won’t feel bad about it.”

Her eyes widen and then she smiles, he cracks a smile too. They huddle back around the CD player, ready for the next song. It starts with a strong guitar and drums, again well produced compared to the acoustic earlier ones.

His voice in this is far more shaky, unsure of himself again. “Let me take my medicine, take my medicine, treat you like a gentleman,” comes through the speakers. She shivers and looks at him, her fingers tapping along to the beat. The instruments are strong where his voice is soft, it doesn’t exactly fit, but she likes the lyrics still. When it gets to the pre-chorus, that’s when she knows she loves the song.

“I had a few got drunk on you and now I’m wasted, and when I sleep I’m gonna dream of how you (tasted)”

When his voice pitches high for ‘wasted’ she loses it. Her body moves with the instruments and her eyes close and her head wiggles. Harry smiles happily as she dances for the first time to one of his songs. The last word must have been shouted by his bandmates, because she doesn’t hear him say it.

Then the chorus hits and she wonders how it got even better. Her eyes shoot open and she just stares at Harry, her jaw slightly dropped.

“If you got out tonight, I’m going out tonight cause I know you’re persuasive! You got that something and I got me an appetite now I can taste it”

His past self sings of getting dizzy and his voice moans into the mic the demo was recorded on. She’s blown away. It sounds so hot, his voice gaining confidence during the pre-chorus and the chorus to have an all around rockstar sound.

The present Harry just taps his rings together as he watches her, studying her reaction with an even-tempered expression. Why isn’t he screaming like she is on the inside? When it gets to the second verse she’s bracing herself for what’s to come. This song has her pulse racing and blood flowing wildly around her body. She’s buzzing from it.

“The boys and the girls are in, I mess around with him and I’m okay with it”

The electric guitar follows the line up and she thinks she’s going to pass out on this boat right now. Flamboyant Harry. Was this what Marie had been talking about. The wild side of Harry she really had never seen, embodied in one song. She wanted more of it. Still all she got was the Harry on the demo rocking out to his song. She can hear him smiling through the recording, the sad boy from a few songs ago was now feeling euphoric. She just wanted to dance the night away with him.

Then another pre-chorus: “I’m coming down, I figured out I kinda like it, and when I sleep I’m gonna dream of how you (ride it)”

His voice goes high again for ‘like it’ this time and her question of what is to follow is quickly answered with the bandmates screaming ‘ride it’ into the mics they must have had. It’s punctuated with the drums and other instruments. A noise escapes the back of her throat and Harry looks at her both smugly and amused. She rolls her eyes in response, trying to convince Harry that she hadn’t just had images of him singing about how good someone rides him flash in her mind. Even more so with the images of someone, namely her, being the object of his dreams. Doing the things he said he’d dream of. That, that was definitely not what she was thinking about. Definitely not. Her throat was dry and she swallowed hard. Harry’s eyes never left her face. Watching every reaction, gauging it and storing the information elsewhere for the time being.

She sings along to the chorus, trying to focus on the song, it was easy to pick up, but then the damn moans. And then there’s a guitar solo that sounds like sex itself and she’s baffled that this was an unreleased demo, not a famous rock song. Harry in front of her can’t stop himself from tapping his feet at this part, a little dance forming on his body as his eyes finally leave her figure. They close as he feels the music, the memory of his friend playing the riff clear in his mind and how much he had loved it. It builds up again and then there’s a final chorus. She watches him now as he dances in the confined space. His mouth opens to sing along to the “la la la’s”

It ends and goes straight into another upbeat song. It seemed like a complimentary song to the one that had just played.

“I don’t want your sympathy, but you don’t know what you do to me, oh Anna!”

His voice sings strong again. Harry before her composed himself again, going back to his watching position. He took in her tapping and smiling to the song. He also mouths the words slightly as it plays, the lyrics clear as the day he finished writing them almost 4 years ago. One of the final ones for this demo.

“Hope you never hear this and know that it’s for you, don’t know what I’d tell you if you asked me for the truth”

She smirks at him, now, with the earnest lyrics, about to say something, but then notices the change in the guitar. It switches from the epic riff that was going to a more familiar tune, “Faith” by George Michael. She looks at him, a cheesy grin on her face as the voice begins to sing the chorus of that song. Her body begins to dance to it, like an old man doing the twist. She’s not ashamed and Harry loves it and joins her by mirroring the movements.

When the song comes to an end, they’re one large giggling mess. She falls into his arms and he holds her steady, their laughter coming out with freedom.

“Thanks for making me be patient,” She looks up at him, “it was worth it!”

He smiles, backing up slightly, “It’s like I knew what I was talking about.”

“Ok smart guy,” she teases with a silly voice. “I’m assuming whoever Anna is, isn’t actually named Anna then...?”

Harry hums and makes a twitch of his brows, but doesn’t respond. Instead he grabs her hand and she squeaks slightly, he pulls her to the ladder and prompts her to go up. She obliges silently and lands back on the top of the boat now. She looks out and sees the little town to be off in the distances now, shining blue water all around the creamy white boat.

Harry stands behind her now and shuts the hatch easily. She looks at him warily, confused by his silence. He extends his hand to her this time and she takes it. He leads her to the front of his boat. They’re moving, but so slowly you’d barely notice. There’s a loveseat of sorts right at the front and Harry sets her down in it. She smiles at him with caution, still bewildered. He leans against a part of the boat that stands in front of the seat.

“It’s beautiful, right?” He asks.

Her eyes have been looking around her, but they’ve mostly been trained on Harry. She was mesmerized by him now. His music, his boat, his clothes, his everything. She was seeing him in a new light. In a completely brand new way that had her unable to take her eyes off of him.

She nods finally when Harry looks at her expectantly. “It’s amazing,” she breathes.

His smile is the half-sided grin again. Beautiful big teeth on display with a little part of space between them. His dimple pops out and once again her eyes are on his face. She realized going on this boat with Harry might not have been such a good idea.  

He folds his arms, her eyes flicker down. Every movement he makes, she doesn’t want to miss it. Even if she also is telling her mind to shake it off, she can’t. It’s like a spell.

“Obviously Anna is a pseudonym,” he says finally, eyes watching where the boat was taking him. She nods in approval. He pauses, watching the little waves, but she knows he has more to say.

“What did you think of the rest of it?” He asks quietly, gaze never going back to her. He knew she’d teased him a little and had danced along to some. She’d looked at him with wide eyes at some lyrics, but he wanted to know what she really thought.

She can tell he’s nervous, but she doesn’t understand why. They were all very good songs, his voice was beautiful, the lyrics were interesting. She didn’t understand his lack of confidence. His first time not exhibiting his usual self-assured - self-absorbed, even - personality. She bites her lip in confusion and his brows knit together, further showing his apprehension. The wrinkles in his forehead show up more prominently and she’s reminded that Harry is 26. He’s a different person now then he was back when he recorded that demo. Maybe there was a reason he kept them on the boat. She felt unsure in her response now.

“They were all great, Harry.” His face softens immediately. “Each one was beautifully written and sung. The ones that were acoustic sounded wonderful as did the ones with your whole band. I’m honored to be someone who got to hear those masterpieces.”

She wanted to tell them they should be famous songs, but she had a feeling that might not have the effect on him that she wanted. He had chosen a little quiet life in the little border town. She didn’t think he would want to hear how his music could have made it big time.

“Thank you,” he murmurs, just about the sounds of the sea. He lets a closed mouth smile twist onto his face, but it feels like he doesn’t fully believe her. She wants to kiss his worry away, but again, she knows it’s not possible. His words from earlier rang in her head. It would make things weird. Yeah, you’re right. Ugh, why had she agreed. She didn’t agree, not at all, not anymore.

“Did you have a favorite?” He stands up straighter with his question.

She laughs slightly, “I liked the second to last one a lot. It was hot.”

“Hot how?” He steps closer, smirking.

She jumps up from her reclined seat, in indignation, “Oh come on, you know it’s hot. Now you’re just looking for me to stroke your ego! It’s obviously about sex.”

“And? You’re the one who’s saying it’s your favorite and blushing.” He arches a brow at her, arms going to his hips and looking at her teasingly.

“Well, you’re the one who was singing about sucking dick and dreaming of how someone rode you.”

“Is that what it’s about?” His voice raises as he purses his lips and raises both of his brows.

She realizes just how worked up he’s gotten her in such a short amount of time. She huffs and turns away from him with a flick of her hand. “You’re infuriating.” Is all she can say. She looks out at the waves now, ignoring Harry even though he’s less than a foot away.

He’s laughing behind her for a little. Then when she doesn’t turn around, he quiets and she’s not quite sure where he’s gone. Then his breath fans over her neck and right shoulder, where her jacket hasn’t managed to cover her. It’s warm and a little minty as the scent travels over the salty sea air. She doesn’t turn or move a muscle for that matter.

A hand reaches out to her shoulder, but still she makes no move to turn. It rests there for a minute and she simply huffs again, letting her shoulders rise and fall dramatically. A single laugh slips from Harry’s mouth.

“C’mon diavola, don’t be like that. S’all in good fun.” His voice is low in her ear, sultry even. It reminds her of his voice in that song once he got into it. His voice sounds like sex in her ear and this time when she sighs it’s not because she’s irritated with him. No, she wants him. The sigh has an undercurrent of that desire and she hopes Harry doesn’t understand that. But otherwise she stays quiet, letting him murmur into her ear with his hand on her shoulder and his chest pressed to her back now. The only witness of this exchange is the ocean before them.

His head leans closer and if she didn’t know any better it felt like he was about to press a kiss to her neck. Instead all she feels is the brush of his mustache, it tickles the shell of her ear and she can’t keep in the giggle. She twists away from the sensation and Harry is grinning at her when she faces him.

His hand still on her shoulder and his body still pressed close to hers. He’s so warm and so close and so shiny new in her eyes, even if he still manages to irritate her. Her eyes flicker up to his as their laughter quiets down. She realizes her own hands have gone to his waist to steady herself and she follows his feet as he backs them up from the edge of the boat that she had brought them too.

It’s quiet again. They’re staring at each other intently. Her eyes are swirling with emotion because she just wants to know what’s going on in the brain of the man before her. She wants to know everything about him, but she knows that’s not how he feels about her. Sure, they’re friends now, but nothing else.

Why did she have to come on this stupid boat and find his stupid amazing music? Why did he have such a stupid amazing face?

These questions and other silly things were racing around her head as she gripped his waist. He didn’t mind her quietness, he found her gaze to be a little unnerving, but he was just glad he had made her laugh. He found that he didn’t enjoy her anger at him as much anymore.

Just as he was about to start another conversation, there was a cloud that drifted over the shining sun. It was her original fear come to life. Harry’s brows furrowed as he looked up at the clouds. They were turning grey. Fast.

“Shit, shit, shit,” He began mumbling and released his hand from her shoulder. He pulled away from her hold and began moving swiftly around the boat. He needed to get them off the water, there was a storm coming.

Her eyes went wide as she noticed the approaching storm as well. Her brows furrowed with worry as she watched Harry begin working on the boat, his only words being curses to himself at first.

Then he enlists her help, asking her to hold onto a specific part of the boat for him after he threw her a life vest and made her put it on. She wore it with great dissatisfaction. He only shrugged as he continued to move nimbly around the boat, turning them around, back to the dock.  

The boat moved much swifter into the shore than it had on their way out. The waves were growing choppier by the minute and she would admit she was more than a little scared. Thankfully, Harry knew what he was doing and got them there quickly and safely. Once at the dock, he tied them there and then helped her off the boat. She stood on the dock uncomfortably as the rain started to come down.

“Give me your lifevest!” He gestures from the boat.

She quickly takes it off and flinches when the first bout of thunder sounds from far off. He takes it from her and throws it haphazardly down the hatch along with his own before jumping off the boat himself. He surveys the boat from the dock to make sure he hasn’t forgotten anything. Then he looks at her. She’s wrapped her arms around herself and is ducking her head, looking like she’s attempting to ward off rain but failing miserably.

She looks up at him and he offers a soft smile of reassurance.

“Take my hand!” He shouts slightly over the growing sound of rain and thunder. He wants to get them out of the rain, but he’s also apprehensive to leave his boat to the mercy of the weather. Still, that’s all he can do.

She puts her hand in his and his fingers weave with hers. Then, they’re off racing back to their street in the little border town.

-

“I should go back to my place!”

“Don’t be silly! France is much too far for you to go in this weather!”

She laughs and grips his hand tighter as he fumbles for his key. His wet hand slipping as the rain droplets soak their clothes and skin. Even though her door is a mere few feet away she allows Harry to pull her into his shop. The warmth and dryness appreciated after running a few blocks in the now torrential downpour. There weren’t storms often in the little border town, but like the old adage said ‘when it rained, it poured’ quite literally. The less she had to travel in the rain the happier she was, even if it was three measly feet.

It also occurred to her that she’d be able to sit out her first storm with someone by her side. And she would admit that didn’t sound like the worst thing in the world. She wasn’t necessarily a fan of storms and being in a new place with a storm she’d never weathered before was daunting. Harry inviting her in was a blessing. She didn’t have to be asked twice.

Once inside the little shop, their wet frames begin to form puddles beneath themselves. Harry sighs and takes off up his rickety stairs. She looks after him in confusion but stays put when he calls a quick “Wait there!”

She shakes a bit of the rain from her and shivers as she listens for Harry’s movements barely audible above the crashing of the rain water. When he returns, her breath catches in her throat, like she just choked on something, yet there’s nothing.

As he walks down the steps, far slower now, his wet hair shakes out around his head forming some ethereal halo. The light from upstairs illuminates him and the darkness outside casts an ominous darkness as he descends.

“Un ange…” She whispers after finally catching her breath.

If he hears her, it doesn’t matter. He’s already beginning to smile widely just from seeing Y/N before him.

He skips the last step and crosses to her swiftly. “Let’s get you dried a little more,” he begins to dote. A matching smile spreads on Y/N’s face out of appreciation. She still can’t manage to fend off the shivering and Harry’s smile falters. His hands leave the towel and trace her exposed skin. Her cheek feels like ice, only slightly warming under his touch.

“You need dry clothes,” he mumbles.

Her eyes widen as she looks up at him. He’s so close and so attentive and she wants to ask him to kiss her because they’ve been going back and forth all day, but he’s right she’s freezing. His eyes are so intense though she can’t even maintain eye contact. Instead her gaze flits up to the droplet beginning to swell down one of his rogue strands of hair that flopped over his forehead moments ago.

She doesn’t respond as she watches and Harry begins to worry more. Her eyes seemingly unfocused, her shivering, and her silence. He thumbs over the apple of her cheekbone and finally breaks her reverie. The droplet splashing between them without her as its audience.

“C’mon,” he tugs her hand now to bring her upstairs.

[derireo]

why does everyone hate yukio what did he do pls gimme some spoilers

almost forgot to answer this! :o for anyone who wants to avoid MAJOR spoilers, please don't proceed any further!

Okay, so here’s the thing. I also don’t know much past Act 1 as I’ve only experienced snippets of Act 2 and Act 3 on Twitter because I don’t really mind spoilers. (Doesn’t really ruin my experience of the game!)

But not everybody hates Yukio. A lot of EN only players tend to have mixed feelings about him or don’t want to judge him yet until we’ve got everything from JP server localised.

Personally, I don’t want to hate Yukio, but it’s kind of hard not to since he’s a father who left his family and friends without any explanation. Just up and left.

Now, here is what we DO know so far from Act 1.

At the very beginning of the game, Izumi receives an invitation that was meant for Yukio. Izumi’s all determined that this is how she’s going to be able to track down her father only to be met with MANKAI that is literally on the verge of getting destroyed to become a cabaret club.

(A cabaret club is kind of like a host club, just more refined and high-class. Tbh, Sakyo could have raked in a lot of cash with that if Izumi didn’t appear.)

Unfortunately, Yukio is nowhere to be seen and Matsukawa has no idea who Izumi is until she explains why she’s there.

Fast forward to where we meet Yuzo. There’s this one scene in Act 1 that happens where Yuzo thinks about how proud Yukio would be if he saw Izumi now. And then there’s another scene where Yuzo is on the phone.

I can’t remember the conversation well, but it was implied/proved/people guessed he was talking to Yukio on the phone.

And like. U know. Let me talk to my fucking dad.

Anyways, I got over that moment pretty quickly bc I was like, whatever, not worth it. I really don’t need a dad in this damn game anyways, but it would’ve been pretty fuckin’ nice right??

That’s pretty much all I know CLEARLY.

But then Act 3 comes along with the original A3! leaders.

As in, the original members of the ORIGINAL MANKAI. You know, the one that Yukio formed back in his late high school days and kept together up until his mid 30/40′s. Before he dipped. Yaknow.

Kasumi (Spring), Hiro (Summer), Zen (Autumn), Syu (Winter).

Kasumi, Hiro, and Zen are the leaders who only have good/neutral opinions on Yukio while Syu seems to despise him. Something happened in the past that left a bad taste in Syu’s mouth, (I vaguely remember what, but I don’t want to say just in case I twist the character’s words) and when he reappears, he kind of voices his distaste for Izumi’s dad.

And then there’s Reni. Oh my god, there’s Reni. I’m not too heated or surprised or intrigued by this information, but MANKAI was founded by both Yukio and Reni. (Correct me if I’m wrong.)

Reni was so enthralled and encouraged by Yukio’s acting, so much so that he agreed to form a troupe with him (or the other way around?).

They worked their asses off gathering members for this troupe, worked so hard until they finally made it big enough to qualify for a Fleur Award. One of the most prestigious of awards to win as a troupe.

But like, something happens??? I don’t know if it was explained yet what exactly happened, but this thing causes Yukio to flee. I don’t know if these are rumors or canon, but people have said that Yukio fled the damn country over something that we don’t know.

Like. Unless ur wanted for murdering someone or because u need to find refuge, I don’t really think u have the right to leave everyone and everything in the dust just because u fucked up.

Doesn’t matter if it was to save the company or the faces of the people he worked with because either way, the company nearly fell apart with Sakyo and he’s made an enemy of Reni and fuckin’ Syu, the boomer e-boy (attack me, idc) doesn’t like him either.

Anyways, these are just things I’ve read in passing so take this info like a grain of salt or just completely disregard me.

FOR ME, PERSONALLY. I just don’t like absent fathers.

How many games have I gone through where the MC has no dad or has lost a dad (I’m looking at u Fire Emblem. Especially you, Three Houses. I want Jeralt back).

And then very personally, I grew up without a dad and was raised by my two older brothers. My mom was busy working so many jobs that I rarely saw her, and even with my brothers around, I was still left to my own devices because they were busy with school and working as well.

My dad left my family in debt. He was absent for more than half of my life. I had no idea where he was, I was never told why he wasn’t with us, I have no recollection of having him in my life.

Izumi’s lucky enough to remember Yukio since he left her when she was still in her teens so she can still cherish those happy memories, but it’s also unfortunate that she has to live the rest of her life without her dad (assuming that he isn’t going to come back or make an appearance).

The absence of my dad took a huge toll on my family, to be honest. My mom worked tirelessly and my brothers had no one to go to. My brothers fell into this lifestyle of gang violence, substances, and lots of illegal activity. There was really no one there to steer them away because I was too young and my mom wasn’t there enough (I can’t blame her).

It’s not hard to imagine that Izumi lived similarly to me. Being an only child in her case, she was probably alone most of the time when her mom was working. 

Doing the chores at home, staying out late because she doesn’t want to come back to an empty house, getting a job and involving herself in way too many extracurriculars so she has an excuse not to be at home.

I’m actually really surprised that Liber hasn’t made Izumi resent Yukio because I know I would be super fucking pissed rather than be keen on discovering his whereabouts. I don’t give a fuck.

I know it’s just a game, but damn, bro.

Anyways, I’m just one of many few who dislike Yukio and it may be because of personal reasons (I know that for me, it is very very personal).

Don’t let my opinion sway you, really, I think you should experience everything in EN server when the time comes to really form an opinion. I know for me, whatever happens next with Yukio, if it’s good news like he’s coming back or he has a good reason for leaving, it’s going to be very difficult for me to be okay with just that.

The jealousy, loneliness, and pondering your worth as a child??? God, I wish that was never me. And to think Izumi probably had to go through that during her teen years??? Phew, I think a lot of us know that feeling too well.

I actually have a WIP that I started last month that touched bases on Izumi’s growing up through high school without Yukio so if I ever get back to that again, you’ll kind of get to see my self-projection lols.

Anyways. that’s all I have. Hope this answered your question, anon! Thanks for asking. 

[mcrmadness]

Oooo, how about two from each of them? Fanfic asks: J and P, film asks: 15 and 16, music asks: 20 and 26.

OMG thanks!!! :DDD

Ask games: Fanfic asks, Film asks and Music asks. (People you can still send me asks if you want, asks are fun to answer to!)

***

FANFIC ASKS:

A little background before we get to the questions: I haven’t written too many, actually only 6 quite short ones (and one of them is a bit longer than usual) about Die Ärzte (Bela/Farin FTW) and all of these I have written between the years 2009 and 2012, so I was 18-21 which means they are not that good. And there’s lots of things I wouldn’t write anymore. I also have a WIP on my computer, I started it in 2012 but stopped writing altogether only to start writing again in the end 2018, it has bit over 28k words currently and tbh I have written 90% of that when I started writing again two years ago. I still have my old ones up on LiveJournal (ask for a link), but I haven’t published anything fron this later one as I’ve just been writing down all kinds of snippets whenever I have had an inspiration. I think those are also a lot better in quality than what I wrote before, the old ones are quite cringey.

J. What is your favorite fic that you’ve written?

I guess we talk about those fics I have also finished, now. It’s actually hard to decide but I would say my favourite is either Why not even once? or The Boring Book Freak. I think the latter is actually The favourite.

The first one (was actually my second dä ff overall) is set to happen in 2003 and in that one Farin is leaving for another vacation somewhere and Bela wants to go with him, but Farin wants to travel alone and Bela is struggling with that, as well as with Farin finally leaving and having to somehow survive his time at home without Farin there. The writing itself is bit stupid and I feel that the end got bit too far but otherwise I like the idea.

The second one (came actually after the previous one) is set to happen in the early/mid 90s (my fave Bela/Farin era btw) and on that they just are at some random summer cottage. Now, fuck cottagecores and such, I wrote it because summer cottages are a thing in Finland and I wrote it when cottagecore was not even cool yet. Somehow I imagined that it would be very Farin-like to rent a cottage from the middle of nowhere, in a forest and then spend a weekend or so there with Bela. Who then is not entertained at all and is bored because Farin won’t put away his book and won’t give him any attention, so he tries everything to get Farin’s attention. I especially like the visual images this fanfic gives to me, I can see their hairs and outfits so well and those are also aesthetically very pleasing. (They look the same as in that Absolut Live interview from the 90s, I don’t control their looks with my fics usually, I just have an idea and then my brain creates how they look in that particular scene :D)

I have also written a short songfic around the lyrics of their song “Ich weiß nicht (ob es Liebe ist)” and it was fun to imagine that as Bela/Farin. That was fun to write.

This got a bit long so I put the rest under a cut:

P. What are your favorite tropes to write?

(Had to google what a trope is lol. I’m old-school and no longer know most of the terms unless they’re old terms.)

Angst - I put my own angst, sadness and angriness into my writing often. It’s when I feel like in real life I would need other people but I don’t know how to reach out or don’t just feel comfortable about opening up, I open up a file and start writing. This is also where we get to the next trope...

Hurt/Comfort - But not so that X hurts Y, but that Y feels hurt for other reasons and then X comforts them. I kinda got obsessed with this theme after being bullied at school so I was always hurt but never comforted, so I often go back to those feels and emotions with my text to look for that comfort (hug, nice words, whatever) I never got in real life.

Fluff - This is bit complicated because I like writing fluff but I also hate reading fluff I have written. Because it does not sound like me. And sometimes when I write, I feel like standing behind my own back and vomiting a little on the inside because of how cheesy and disgusting that is but still I can’t stop writing. And then I feel like a different person when I read them because I can’t believe it’s ME who wrote them. The same way when I watch movies and people kiss, I always look away. And I want to look away when I read my fanfiction. But I can’t, especially because I know I looked at that scene in my head when I wrote it.

Humour - I love humour so much and I like to include this to my writing. Normally I put the humour in my comics but some of that fits also in the regular texts too.

***

FILM ASKS:

These are super tough but also fun - I have been trying to think of what to answer to these for days.

15. A film everyone loves but you hate?

The Avengers (-12). Sorry but not sorry. Well I don’t hate it but I don’t understand why everyone says it’s the best Marvel movie ever. It’s not. It’s full of clichés and stupid forced heteroromances and whatnot and the plot was just so, so predictive I don’t understand why it’s often talked about as some sort of cinematic master piece. I literally was able to tell everything that was gonna happen next when I watched it for the first time. Only cool things in that movie are Loki and Iron Man, whose character I already liked as I had seen the Iron Man movie and liked it. But I hated both Thor movies (the third one is awesome tho). 

I like Marvel and I have seen I guess most of the movies - before MCU all good Marvel movies to come out were The X-Men movies and Spider-Man movies, and because I saw so many terrible Marvel movies, I was avoiding the whole MCU and I got into these movies much later and still, after seeing them all, I say The Avengers is one of the worst ones. Thor and Thor 2 are pretty much even worse (and I haven’t even seen the Hulk movie because it looks terrible), mainly because I just can’t stand the fact they’re mainly just built around Thor and his love interest...

16. A film you love but everyone else hates?

Spider-Man 3 (or the whole trilogy with Tobey Maguire). I see we continue with Marvel here but seriously I don’t understand why everyone is always picking on Tobey’s version of Spider-Man? And people especially hate the third movie and how Venom was portrayed in it (I’m obsessed with Venom’s human teeth pls I want his teeth), when it’s actually the best one for me. The second one is bit boring because it was again all about whining and Mary-Jane... Anyway, the reason why I am so attached to these movies is that I saw the first Spider-Man movie from TV when I was a teenager and in junior high myself, and I was bullied and a bit of a nerd so I could relate to Peter Parker a lot, and it gave me just so much strength to see him become Spider-Man and to stand up against the bullies and other assholes.

I also saw the third movie in the movie theater and there was one scene during which I started hysterically laughing with my friend because of an expression Tobey made as he was sitting on a bed, I don’t know why but somehow I just totally lost it at that :D It still makes me laugh so much when I see it! And when the movie ended, I heard a The Killers song “Move Away” for the first time during the end credits and TK was one of my favorite bands at the time (and still is).

***

MUSIC ASKS:

20. a song that empowers you

It gotta be Dead! by My Chemical Romance:

This album was what got me through all the shit that happened when I was 15+ and especially this song always made (and still makes) me feel so good. I often listened to my old mp3 player while walking to school and back home and every time this song came by, I just felt like nothing can harm and that life FINALLY was so great! It’s so energetic and still makes me feel that living is actually super awesome.

26. a song that taught you a lesson

Hmmm. I think I will answer to this with Dusche by Farin Urlaub.

That thumbnail is terrible but... And why did I choose this song? Well, I’m all for the sound what comes to music and I’d say at least 80% of all lyrics go way over my head. I just don’t have the skills for understanding poetry and also very poetic lyrics make me go crazy. I hate not knowing and when I have to assume, guess and interpret something. I don’t want to guess but I wanna know what someone has actually thought.

Dusche was the first song that had lyrics that for the first time ever actually spoke for me. I probably saw some video with English subtitles a fan had made and it just blew me away because holy shit, people are capable of writing lyrics even I can understand??? And that way I realized I can like lyrics but only if they make absolutely no sense (aka are funny or somewhat crazy, like Dusche) or when they are written in a story form or sung from the 1st person view or to “you” or in passive - but only if I can get behind the idea there.

After Dusche, Farin’s song Porzellan followed. And one of my absolute favourites is Karten. So, Farin is one of the only few people whose lyrics I have been able to understand. I still don’t hear lyrics and don’t understand a majority of the lyrics my fave bands write, and I have understood only a couple of Bela’s lyrics and I’m not sure if I’ve understood any of Rod’s lyrics. It’s not even about the language barrier anymore really, it’s just the topics or wordings I cannot comprehend.

Thank you again for the ask! This was very interesting to ponder and answer to :)

[jjkfire]

You’ve Got Me (Wrapped Around Prequel)

Reader x Tae // College!AU // 10k words

Summary: One frat party, one game and a subsequent unplanned meeting later, comes a thousand feelings you did not ask for.

Genre: Fluff, Smut 

A/N: This is a prequel (kind of) to Wrapped Around and is purely Tae based! (even if Jimin is mentioned a few times here and there) so if you’re a pure team Jimin pls don’t read and get upset ok tq! (: Sorry this took like 10 years but !!! had to get this out so I can work on the finale to wrapped around hehe.

“Listen here…” You pause, waiting for the man before you to tell you his name.

“Jimin,” He replies.

“Right, Jimin,” You smile. “I just need to talk to Hoseok. I’m not even going to drink.”

“That’s what they all say,” He scoffs and you let out an annoyed groan because damn it you really weren’t interested in drinking tonight, especially not when you have a 9am lab to attend tomorrow… which was exactly why you were here in the first place.

“If you just want to talk to him, then call him.”

“You think I haven’t tried that??” You grumble while attempting to side step him but he’s quick to stand in your way, his hand held out in front of you.

“5 dollars.”

“I just want to talk to Hoseok for like 1 minute so, hell no, I’m not paying you 5 bucks.”

“Then you’re not stepping inside.”

“Are you even a part of this frat?” You grumble, annoyed.

“Yes…” He murmurs and just by that, you know that he isn’t but you can’t really find it in you to give a shit right now.

“Fuck, you know what? Take it,” You exhale, reaching into your pocket to give him the 5 dollars, pushing past him the moment his grimy hands take it from you.

The smell of beer and sweat fills your nose the instant you take a step into the house and if it were any other night, you wouldn’t be the slightest bit bothered but considering the fact that you are both stone cold sober and infuriated, the foul smell only adds on to your anger.

Within seconds of scanning the living area, you spot your one and only satan spawn of a lab partner, Jung Hoseok and where else would he be other than standing by the beer pong table. Okay, it’s not like you hate him, he’s truly a great person, nice and fun to hang out with but good god, he had to be the worst lab partner on the entire earth. This guy just never came prepared, sometimes missing his lab goggles, always missing his pre-lab report which by the way is the only reason he’s ever early to lab because he’ll just copy it off from you. The both of you are almost always the last pair to leave because he never understands what he’s doing which is probably due to the fact that he’s usually hungover. As you work on the post lab report, you wonder why of all people you could’ve been paired up with, you were paired up with him.

As much as you ‘hate’ him though, he’s the reason you have parties to attend on the weekends, the reason you met your best friend Solji and if it weren’t for the fact that he was the nicest, kindest boy you’ve ever met, you would’ve told on him to your TA, ages ago. You’ve carried his ass through the first two months of college now but tomorrow’s lab is dubbed the hardest lab of the semester and you want to make sure his ass isn’t going to be half dead tomorrow.

“Hoseok, you piece of shit. I told you no drinking tonight,” You groan, grabbing the red solo cup out of his hand.

“Y/N! You said you weren’t going to come,” He smiles. “I’m glad you’re here. Let’s get you a drink!”

“No drinks, asshole! You heard what our TA said,” You grumble. “It’s not called the lab from hell for nothing.”

“Just one drink.”

“Fuck no!” You exhale, pulling your hand out of his hold. “Did you at least read the procedure for tomorrow?”

“No…”

“Hoseok, please,” You beg. “Just once, just this one time. Please, please read it.”

“I—”

“Hoseok, come on dude, let’s play! I finally got Hyeri here to agree!” You hear a boy say from the other end of the beer pong table and before Hoseok can take a single step, you’re standing in his way.

“No, Hoseok. If you’re even thinking of playing, I’m going to request for a partner change.”

The smile on his face immediately fades and he stands rooted in his spot.

“I can’t play Tae, not tonight,” He shouts out and you smile because wow, you didn’t know it’d be that easy to get him to listen. “But, my friend here is down to play if you are.”

Wait, what?

“Uhh, no I’m not,” You laugh. “I said I’m not drinking tonight.”

“And you won’t be, if you play it right.”

“It’s beer pong Hoseok,” You scoff. “You’re going to have to drink at some point.”

“No, no. This is fear pong,” He grins, an almost evil aura radiating from his smile.

“The fuck’s that?”

“Well, there’s 6 cups and there’s 3 dare cups and 3 drink cups each. For the dare cups, you can either choose to do them or drink the cup instead as a punishment. So as long as you do all the dares, you don’t have to drink anything because Jimin here’s going to be your designated drinker for the three drink cups—“

“Wait, why am I being dragged into this?” Jimin questions but Hoseok ignores him, shooing him away with a wave of a hand.

“—but if you skip a dare…”

“Yeah, no, it’s gonna be a hard pass for me,” You shake your head.

“I’ll actually do my pre-lab this time and work on the post-lab with you if you play.”

What’s that? A miracle? Sure sounded like one.

“You promise?”

“Yes.”

You take a second to ponder the offer, weighing your choices heavily.

“And you get money if you win. Half of whatever Jimin collected from the front.”

That’s it. That’s what seals the deal because fuck that’s the guy who made you pay the damn 5 dollars and you’ll be damned if you leave here without getting it back.

“Alright, we’re on.”

The boy standing across you seems to be a crowd favourite because everyone’s cheering him on. Taehyung, you think is his name and as you watch the coin flip in the air, you have a feeling deep in the pit of your stomach that this is a bad idea.

Perhaps it’s your fault for agreeing to play this game, for not asking what the dares were going to be like but really what could you have expected from a frat house? You lose the coin toss and Taehyung gets the first throw which lands right smack in the cup at the top of the pyramid. Honestly, you’re not too surprised… the boys here would probably list down professional beer pong player on their resume if they could.

You grab the cue card from beneath the cup and you glare at Hoseok. This bitch. He knew these were the kind of dares that are written on these cards and he didn’t tell you.

“Read it out loud,” Taehyung says and you let out a heavy sigh.

“Let your opponent spank you twice.”

The smile on Taehyung’s face tells you he’s more than excited to and although the idea of being publicly spanked in front of a room of strangers is not really something you want to try out on a Thursday night, you’ve got a lab report on the line here. Do it for the GPA, do it for the GPA, is all you can say to yourself.

From the back of the room, you see something akin to a paddle being passed forward and then a riding crop and for a second your heart stops beating.

“W-wha—”

“What fun is it if it’s just my hand?” Taehyung smirks.

“No way, wait! No this is… no.”

“If you’re not up to it, then drink,” Hoseok grins and you glare at him because you’re this close to knocking him out with a punch.

“Fuck, fine,” You relent, agreeing to the dare. “Make it quick,” You exhale because really what was 5 seconds of embarrassment to you if you’d actually get help on the lab report this time.

Though Taehyung exudes an aura that screams fuckboy, you’re thoroughly surprised when he still stops to ask if you’re really okay with it and when you say you are, he of course asks if he could touch your ass to which you allow with a shrug of your shoulders because he was already going to spank you anyway. Honestly, what could be worse than this?

You can literally feel Taehyung buzzing with excitement behind you as you place your hands on the table, bending forward, your behind on full display for him and honestly speaking, you fully regret not walking away when that Jimin guy asked you to pay him $5 for entry. Was Hoseok really going to be that much help anyway? Is your question but all of that fades when you feel Taehyung’s hand on your ass.

“Gotta warm it up first, don’t I?” He simpers, his hand calmly stroking the curve of your ass and at that, an involuntary shiver runs up your spine.

“You ready babe?”

He doesn’t even let you answer his question as his hand comes down hard onto your flesh and you try your hardest to keep your expression blank, lips pursed, not wanting anyone to know that maybe, just maybe, you were enjoying this.

“Are we feeling the paddle or the riding crop?” He questions and though neither looked particularly enticing to you, you choose the riding crop.

You turn back to see Taehyung wielding the paddle instead and he sends you a little wink as he lines up his next hit. Of course he picks the opposite of what you had went for, you sigh. Perhaps you should be feeling fear, watching him hold a wooden paddle that looked like it could knock someone out but truth be told, you feel excitement bubbling within you.

You shut your eyes, bracing yourself for impact but it never comes and just when you turn back to ask what was taking him so long, you feel a hard smack, a gasp leaving your lips as you register what had just happened. Taehyung tries not to laugh but your shocked expression only makes it harder and soon enough you start laughing too.

You remove your hands from the table, taking the time to smooth your palm over your bottom that was still tingling.

“I went a little too hard, didn’t I?”

“Maybe just a little,” You laugh.

“I’m uhh Taehyung by the way,” He smiles sheepishly. “Thought it’d only be appropriate to introduce myself after our spank session.”

“It’s the best way to meet someone, isn’t it?” You grin. “I’m Y/N.”

“Okay, less talking, more fear pong!” Hoseok shouts before dragging you away back to your end of the table.

You hadn’t even made it back yet but you could already hear the ball landing into another one of the cups, the crowd chanting his name and it only sounds like it’s going to be an awfully long night for you.

“Strip your opponent down to his underwear using only your teeth,” You mumble, reading the dare written on the card and okay, you think maybe one drink for the sake of your dignity would be alright. After all, what’s a cup of beer?

“Thinking of drinking?” Taehyung calls out.

You look down into the contents of the drink only to find it isn’t the familiar fizzy yellow liquid but instead a dark red concoction.

“What’s in this?”

“Gin, Vodka, Tequila—”

“So everything?”

“Basically.”

You shake your head at that knowing full well that Hoseok had a hand in making whatever this hell jungle juice is.

You hold the cup in your hand and the cue card in your other, unsure of what to do.

Do it! Do it! You hear the crowd chant but you don’t know which one they mean.

“I’ll do the dare,” You sigh, settling the cup off to the side and Taehyung giddily skips to the middle, having no qualms about being stripped down to his briefs.

“At least buy me dinner first before trying to get me naked,” Taehyung laughs as you instruct him to lift up his hands.

“Shut up,” You grumble but there’s a light laugh at the end of your warning.

You assume this is hilarious to everyone else who was watching the two of you awkwardly spin around the room, trying to get Taehyung’s t-shirt off without the use of your hands and though you try not to laugh, you find the whole situation so odd that there’s no other way to cope than to laugh. After the third try, you finally get his shirt off and at this point, you’re already exhausted.

“You’re not giving up, are you?” Hoseok asks, his phone in your face and of course, of course he’s recording everything.

You only shove a middle finger in his direction, pushing him away.

Awkwardly, you sink to your knees, your mouth inches away from where the button of his jeans was. At this moment in time, you decide that you absolutely hate fear pong.

“Nervous?” Taehyung smirks, looking down at you. “Or are you thinking about something else?” He lifts his eyebrows, a devious smile on his lips.

“Don’t flatter yourself,” You sigh.

With that, you get to work, trying your hardest to unbutton his pants with only your teeth however the hoots from around the room only make you feel like shrinking away. But, the faster you get this done, the faster you’ll be out of this house and warm under your sheets and that thought alone gives you enough strength to drown out the noises that the crowd is making.

To your surprise, you unbutton his jeans with ease on the second try, leaving Taehyung speechless momentarily, only momentarily though because he always seemed to have a comment for everything.

“Had a lot of practice, have you?”

“Maybe,” You shrug, before moving to unzip him and you stare up at him as you do so, sending him a wink just as you reach the end because hey, you might as well have fun while you were at it, right? Taehyung swears he could feel his blood rush to exactly one place he didn’t want it to at this very moment and he curses under his breath, wishing more than anything that it was just you and him that was in this room. You begin to tug his pants down towards the floor with your teeth and Taehyung thinks of anything gross or unappealing to quell his almost boner.

Calmly, you saunter your way back to your end of the table, waiting for Taehyung to get back to his side and get the show on the road.

“Having a little problem over there, Tae?” Hoseok question with a lift of his eyebrows and you can hear the people around the room tease him, Taehyung’s cheeks now beginning to turn bright red. You should feel bad, you really should but hey he had his share of embarrassing you too.

Maybe it was a mistake to laugh at him and tease him because he lands his next shot with ease and your mind goes blank as you stare at the cue card in your hand.

“Make out with your opponent for 20 seconds.”

There are cheers around the room, the game finally getting interesting and you glance down at the cup in front of you. Would you still be standing after one drink? Was it a risk you were willing to take?

“Oh come on,” Tae leers. “You’ve already got me almost fully naked.”

“Fine, fine,” You mumble, meeting him once again by the middle of the table. You hope to god he misses his next shot because the dares only seem to get worse and worse.

Hoseok can already see the gears turning in your mind and he knows what you’re going to do, stand there like a statue and only allow Tae small pecks but no, he’s having none of that.

“It’s going to have to be a full make-out session,” Hoseok announces. “We see any of that lame shit and the both of you have to down one of the cups and try again.”

“Well then,” Taehyung grins. “How about we don’t try at all so we can have a round two?”

“In your dreams,” You scoff. “Unless... you’re trying to hide the fact that you’re a bad kisser.”

“Babe, I’m the best kisser in this room,” He smirks before letting his hands cup your cheeks, his lips already on yours before you can think of a witty comment.

You don’t want to admit it but heck, Taehyung is one hell of a kisser. His lips are soft and plushy and boy does he know the right balance between give and take because he leans in closer deepening the kiss and then he’s pulling back slightly, forcing you to move forward, to rest closer against him. You can feel him smirk against your lips before his tongue swipes at them begging for you to part them and as much as your mind tells you not to, you do anyway. You’re already in this deep, you sigh. Might as well give the crowd a show, no? Your fingers tug at his hair as his tongue just begins to—

“Time’s up!” Hoseok shouts and you pull away instantly, still in quite a daze but you shake it off, walking back to your side of the table. Taehyung seems to be even more of a daze than you, his pupils blown wide with lust, his hair a complete mess, courtesy of you and as he steps up to take his shot, you silently pray that he misses it.

There’s a light clink! as the ball hits the edge of a cup, bouncing off the table and you let out a scream of delight, punching a fist in the air.

“Guess I was that good of a kisser huh?” You laugh, looking at Taehyung who was running his hand through his hair in disappointment.

Taehyung weirdly has no witty reply to your comment, only passing you the cup that held the rest of the ping-pong balls.

You stand there, lining up your shot, to which cup you’re not sure but you’re hoping it lands in at least one of them.

The crowd cheers, the ball landing in one of the 6 cups and when Taehyung lifts the cup to see the cue card say DRINK!, in all capital letters, he doesn’t hesitate to down the drink, his face scrunching up in disgust as the alcohol burns his throat.

The next cup you land, is another drink cup and honestly, you’re glad because this means if you don’t make the shot after this, you’re thinking he’s going to have a hard time landing a shot in the other three remaining cups you have just by the way he puts a hand on the table to stop himself from swaying. You wonder how he managed to the 3 dare cups when he was the one making the shots. You sure would’ve loved to see Jimin having to drink for you.

The liquid in the cup sloshes from side to side as you make yet another shot and Taehyung lifts the cup, finding that the cue card finally says DARE! He’s not sure if he should be happy or—

Happy, oh heck yeah he’s happy because—

“Let your opponent lick whipped cream off of you,” Taehyung reads out and he already has a smirk on. “I don’t mind that,” He smiles.

“What?”

“So there’s chest, tummy or thighs. Take your pick.”

“Hold on. This isn’t fair… it’s like a dare for me too!”

“Don’t question fear pong. If you say no, then you have to drink my drink for me.”

“Fine,” You grunt. “I’ll do tummy.”

“Aww, are you sure you’re not more of a thigh girl?”

You roll your eyes at him, not even bothering to reply to his question.

Hoseok in your opinion is a little too excited about the whole situation, spreading more than enough whipped cream over Taehyung’s middle, making sure it trailed all the way down to the waistband of his boxers, even threatening to go down further. With a sigh, you bend down to lick it all off and you imagine this would be a lot less awkward if there weren’t about 50 people gathered around you, all watching intently.

“You missed a spot,” He points to the area just above his boxers, the spot you had purposely avoided.

With a huff, you quickly lick off the remainder and Taehyung has to hold his breath, trying hard not to picture you moving down further.

“Happy?”

“Very,” He smirks before returning to his side of the table, his steps unsteady as the alcohol has clearly hit him already.

You want nothing more than for this game to end quickly so the moment he stands behind the cups, you steady your hand for another throw, the crowd cheering as the ball lands in yet another one of the red cups.

“Let your opponent wax your armpit hair off,” He reads and by the way his voice grows small, you can already tell you’re going to enjoy this one. Maybe, fear pong wasn’t that bad after all.

“Aren’t you a little too excited for this?” He asks as you warm up the wax strip between your hands.

“Maybe,” You shrug. “Don’t worry, it’s only going to hurt… a lot,” You smile wickedly and he gulps, his face crumpling in fear.

There’s murmurings around the room as you stand before the already shirtless Taehyung, his hand lifted above his head and you tear the strip apart, placing it neatly over his underarm. You don’t even bother to ask him if he was ready before you pull the strip downward, ripping all of his hair clean from his armpit. There’s a loud scream, one Taehyung tries to muffle with his other hand but it’s no use. Everyone in the room bursts into laughter, many phones already out to record the whole ordeal. You wave the second wax strip in front of him and he begs you for mercy. You look to Hoseok and he gives you a shake of the head, which meant sorry, no mercy and you almost laugh at the whimper that escapes Taehyung’s throat when you smooth the wax strip on his other under arm.

Taehyung returns to his spot with an obvious frown, pressing a few touches to his sticky underarms.

“Should’ve drank,” He grumbles and in the time he is able to get that sentence out, he hears the ball hit the side of the cup and he’s filled with hope, but there’s a splash sound that accompanies it right after. Damn it. With a sigh, he picks up the cup, unsure if he enjoyed seeing the word DARE! anymore but as he reads the cue card, he thinks yeah, he does like seeing the four lettered word.

“Give your opponent a lap dance for a minute,” He smirks. “I mean I’m already in my underwear so I might as well,” He shrugs.

You’re blushing wildly as you are forced to sit in a chair in the middle of the room. Hoseok, ever the excited boy puts on Ginuwine’s Pony on the speakers. In your mind, you have Channing Tatum’s Magic Mike routine playing and you freeze because if Taehyung is going to do anything similar, you’re not sure if you’re going to be able to leave this chair, still breathing.

Taehyung stands a few steps away from you, prowling over to you before he stops in front of the chair, dropping down to grind the floor, maintaining eye contact with you as he did so, his bottom lip between his teeth and the crowd gathered around screams, cheering him on. You have your lips pursed, eyes trained on him, something Hoseok had said was a requirement but you think it’s hardly a challenge to keep your eyes on him, especially when he moved like that.

Taehyung stands up, rolling his body sensuously to the music as he steps closer towards you, his legs now on either side of the chair as he hovers above you, his tongue poking out to run over his lips. You swallow nervously, unable to hide the shy smile on your face, your hands placed by your side, forming tight fists as you watch him grind and thrust against you, his moves in sync with the beat. He smirks down at you, grabbing one of your hands, forcing your fist open before he places your hand on his chest, trailing it salaciously up and down, winking at you as he did so. You can’t help but laugh at the situation you’re in, it’s the only way you can cope with the embarrassment and Taehyung takes the way you ease up as a good sign. He places your hands on his hips as he grinds down on your lap, his hands cupping your heated cheeks. He wants nothing more than to taste your lips again, especially now that you’re all shy and giggly, as if mere minutes ago you hadn’t teased him after dragging his zipper down with your teeth. He wants to grind on you until you beg for more, silence your needy whines with kisses as he slips his hand down past the band of your pants to find you drip—

“That’s a minute! Time’s up!”

You’re still laughing as you slide the chair back, getting up to make your way back to the table. Taehyung take his spot on the other side, feeling rather light headed but he’s pretty sure it didn’t have to do with the copious amounts of alcohol he has consumed tonight.

Cheers ring around the room as you manage to land the ball in the final cup and Taehyung finds the cup being shoved in his hand as the room chants for him to down the drink, which he does with no qualms. It’s his first loss at fear pong or even beer pong for that matter ever since the beginning of the semester. Hoseok has his head in his hands, unable to believe that you had been able to make the shot. He had thought full well that like always, Taehyung would demolish his opponent but here he was watching as one of the frat members takes a polaroid picture of you, your face making it onto the frat’s acclaimed wall of fame of which contained a dozen or so pictures of Taehyung, the former reigning champion of fear pong.

“You better come prepared or I’m going to wring your neck,” You warn, waving the huge wad of cash Hoseok had just given you. He nods, reassuring you that he’s going to be the best lab partner you’ve ever seen and with that, you’re out the door, counting each dollar all the way home.

“You’re taking the loss pretty hard,” Hoseok laughs, patting Taehyung on the back to bring him out of his daze. “Thanks to you, I actually have to know what I’m doing in lab tomorrow.”

Taehyung only lets out a light laugh, nodding before he makes his way to the kitchen to grab himself a glass of water. He sits on the counter swinging his legs as he twists the cup in hand. To be honest, he wasn’t feeling down about losing, au contraire, he doesn’t feel the slightest bit of regret playing that match against you. It’s the fact that you remind him of her, remind him of Mina that has his mind running infinite loops. He thought he had gotten rid of her and all feelings tied to her but if how he spends his weekends chasing skirts was any indication, he’d say he was merely trying to fill the massive void he felt in his chest.

It’s fine, he reasons. He doubts he’ll see you again because that’s just how college is. You could go all 4 years without meeting the same person you had seen in your first few months on campus.

College.

It’s everything Taehyung had expected with the frat parties and binge drinking and yet it’s also everything he hadn’t expected.

If you think high school is hard, just wait until you get to college.

Taehyung had heard that very line being repeated to him close to a hundred times while he was in school and yet he thinks no matter how many times he has heard it wouldn’t have prepared him for just how hard it would be. See, everyone always describes the academic rigour, the unreasonable professors and the struggles of balancing one’s social and academic life, but no one talks about how going to college could make you feel like you were wrong about yourself your whole life.

Taehyung for the most part didn’t struggle in high school. In fact, he cruised through it while doing the bare minimum. He was smart but lazy and abhorrently proud of the fact that he could get the grades while putting in very little work. The fact that he scored high nineties baffled everyone because even with the fact that he always half-assed everything, he always made sure he was right where he wanted to be, grades-wise. He always did just enough.

Enough.

It would come to be a word Taehyung hates when he gets to college because no matter how hard he tried, he was never good enough which was an entirely foreign concept to him.

They tell you that you have to hit the ground running when you get to college because freshmen year, seeing as it is most probably the easiest year, is where you build your GPA up and he followed that advice to the tee. He stayed on top of his homework, never missed a quiz, went to every lecture, all of which was more than he ever did in high school and yet after the first wave of midterms, he found himself just barely hitting the average mark. He works harder the next time around, putting in twice maybe even three times the amount of work his peers put in and again he finds himself at the class average. Perhaps to some, hitting that average mark is enough but for someone who was the best without even trying, he felt his self-esteem corrode with every exam.

Taehyung had never felt so lost his entire life because it was like everyone around him had it figured out, had their career paths planned, their summer internships thought out but here he was, barely scraping through. He lacked ambition, is what his teachers back home would say about him when he was still in high school and he didn’t think that was much of a problem until he got to college and realized it seemed like everyone knew what they were doing, everyone except him.

Despite the boxy smile Taehyung puts on for everyone, he was miserable at best. He attends the parties Hoseok and Jimin invite him out to just so he could forget the fact that he felt like he wasn’t quite cut out for college. He’s tried once or twice to voice out how he was feeling but the boys only return with, ‘You’re fine, some of us are barely passing here’ which he understands is the truth but… he can’t help but feel like his intelligence was what had defined him in high school and now here in college, he wasn’t smart, in fact he wasn’t even average apparently. He just felt that his intelligence was part of his identity and if he wasn’t smart then who was he really?

It’s the ever incessant thoughts swimming in his head that forces him to take walks in the middle of the night to the end of campus where the land stretches out into the lake like a peninsula. He walks to the end in complete darkness, not even bothering to shine a light ahead of him because by now he’s memorized the route. It’s dark and eerily quiet but Taehyung enjoys the silence, feels like it’s a breath of fresh air.

When he reaches the clearing at the tip, he sees the soft city lights glow in the distance across the lake. He takes a seat by the edge of the cement path, his feet swinging below him as he enjoys the sound of the water lapping against the rocks beneath him. The skies are clear this time, thankfully and he looks up to admire the twinkling stars. It is at this exact spot at 12 am almost every other day that Taehyung finds himself here. Sometimes, he sits in silence and other times, after a particularly hard day, he sits there and bawls his eyes out until he’s run out of tears. It’s his form of therapy, letting out his pent upped emotions all at once before he returns to his room to put on a mask and start the day over. It’s the only time he feels he’s ever truly alone, sitting here with tears streaming down his face and usually he is but tonight, he feels a soft tap on his shoulder and then a soft pack of tissues being waved in front of his face. A flash of recognition runs across his features as he peers up to see you offering him a meek smile.

“Well, well. What is the former reining fear pong champion doing out here when it’s prime party time on a Friday night?”

“I could ask you the same thing, number one party girl,” Taehyung snickers, calling you by Hoseok’s nickname for you as he accepts the tissue, wiping away the last of his tears.

“Well uhh my friends are supposed to be having a bonfire somewhere but I got lost,” You laugh. “Snacks?” You ask handing him a packet of open chips.

“Bonfire? That’s by the park… like 10 minutes back. You took the wrong turning.”

“Ah, so that’s what they were trying to say…” You mumble to yourself, recalling how your friends tried telling you through slurred words that you were meant to take a different path but it was hard to decipher their drunken murmuring when you’re trying to navigate the dark forest with your hands full with snacks and serviettes and only your phone’s torch to light the way... until of course your phone died on you. Between the shivers that ran up your spine every time you heard the crunching of leaves in the far off distance and the fact that you were almost certain you had just felt something touch you, you decided to keep walking forward, hopeful that the path would’ve led you to something, and it lead you to something alright.

You let out a sigh before taking a seat next to Taehyung, trying to hide the fact that his crying almost had you believing that you were in the middle of a horror movie. It was only when you spotted his name on the back of his shirt, an old high school jersey probably, that you let out a sigh of relief.

“Oh well,” You shrug, placing down the rest of your snacks next to you. “This place has a nice view of town,” You point towards the lights in the distance. “And the stars look so much brighter here,” You murmur as you munch on the chips. “Of course… unless you want to uhh be left alone, I can just—”

“No, no, it’s fine… You can stay,” He smiles. “Because if you leave then you’ll take the chips with you, which means…”

“Nice to know you prefer chips over my company,” You laugh, grabbing a handful from the packet and Taehyung laughs in return, reassuring you that it was just a joke.

“So, is this your secret spot or something?”

“Something like that,” He murmurs. “Just a place I go to get away from it all.”

You nod at that, pressing your palms flat across the cool cement surface, leaning back so you could look at the stars. Sometimes you wonder why you don’t take the time to appreciate a clear night like this, that you’re so busy worrying about a dozen things that wouldn’t matter in a few days’ time when you could be having a moment like this, content and at peace as you admire the simple things. It’s in the presence of a vast clear night sky that you realize how large the Universe is, that in some way, you’re almost insignificant… not in a bad way but more of in a way that you don’t understand why your mind is always stuck on one track, why you don’t allow yourself to make mistakes, why you don’t stop to enjoy life for all that it is. It’s not something you don’t voice out often because maybe people will tell you you’re crazy when you say you want to throw caution to the wind and just let life take you anywhere.

“When you look at the stars, do you… do you ever wonder what our purpose is? Like why we try so hard when in reality, you and I and everyone for that matter are just tiny specks of dust floating in the Universe… as in that in the grand scheme of things, everything that we stress ourselves over, doesn’t really matter.”

Taehyung looks over at you with his eyebrows furrowed and his mouth half opened, as if he was at a loss for words and you throw your head back laughing.

“Don’t worry, that was just me you know… thinking out loud. You don’t really have to have an answer for it.”

Taehyung doesn’t have an answer to your question because in fact, that was the same question he had in his mind when he looked out to the stars. It’s almost like a paradox because star-gazing made him feel calm and yet at the end, anxious too. It reminded him of just how small he was, how he feels he’s never going to navigate his way through the murky waters of life.

“When I look at the stars, I feel lost,” He murmurs.

“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” You scoff.

“Isn’t it?”

“Not necessarily… I feel like being lost gives you the chance to wander around, to try new things while everyone else, like me, is stuck in some mechanical, rigid schedule,” You sigh. “There’s a perk in being lost and that’s being free.”

“But that’s the thing,” He sighs. “I get that I am free, free to roam, to wander but it’s like everyone else is moving forward and I’m stuck in limbo, just floating endlessly.”

“I guess the grass is always greener on the other side isn’t it?” You laugh, smiling at him. If anything, you wanted that freedom, you wanted to enjoy being lost but you’re set on a path, one your parents had inherently picked for you. “You know, sometimes I think we’re all just so stuck on thinking about our future that we forget to enjoy the present.”

“Do you think when we’re both 70 and all wrinkly, we’d be laughing about the things we’re worrying about now?”

“Probably,” You smile. “But is that going to stop either of us from worrying about it?”

“Probably not,” You both say in unison, before breaking out in laughter as the two of you shake your heads at each other.

There isn’t a way to put into words the atmosphere between the both of you but it was like an acknowledgement of each other’s suffering and in some odd way, it was comforting to know you weren’t alone in your struggle and neither was he in his. It’s almost like both you and him were lost in your own separate ways, him on where he was going and you on why you were going the way you were going but in any case, both of you were equally just as lost. Perhaps that was the beauty in it all, that two lost souls had found solace in each other.

Taehyung doesn’t know why he didn’t ask for your number on that night, it’s usually the first thing he does whenever he meets a girl he likes but it’s almost as if he had forgotten everything when he was with you. He forgot his practiced pick-up lines, his sleazy smirk because well, he didn’t need them. That night was just you and him discussing existentialism, purpose and just what the hell the two of you were doing in college anyway. The conversation bore no definite answers but it felt good to just talk about it for once, for him to not have to pretend like he had his shit together.

It turns out, he doesn’t really need your number though because he sees you strolling into the frat house the very next Friday evening, sauntering across the room to stand next to him

“No star-gazing while sobbing tonight?” You ask teasingly and Taehyung scowls.

“And what about you? Not going to give out life advice that you can’t seem to follow yourself tonight?”

“Touché,” You laugh. “I mean I was thinking of having more of a like drink my problems away and pretend they don’t exist kind of night.”

“Funny, me too,” Taehyung smiles, leading you towards the punch bowl that held the jungle juice that Hoseok had a hand in concocting… which meant it had at least probably 70% alcohol… which would lead to 100% regret.

By the time you and Taehyung find yourselves in one of the rooms in the frat that wasn’t already occupied, it was clear that neither of you were sober. You smash your lips against his in a rush, the entire make-out session a hot, giant mess. It’s not long before your clothes are lost somewhere on the floor and he is hurriedly ridding himself of his own shirt too.

You don’t attempt to keep the volume at a minimum and neither does he as he thrusts deep into you, complete euphoria taking over you as you feel the knot at the bottom of your stomach tightening. All you hear is your pulse in your ear and the occasional whispers as Taehyung brings you to your high. The moans slip out of your mouth against your own will and your thighs tremble, the tension you feel near the pit of your abdomen threatening to snap. There’s a thrust or two, the obscene sound of skin slapping against skin as his pelvis meets your ass and that’s when you reach your peak, your walls squeezing around his member as you let out a long moan. He picks up speed, his pace relentless as he chases his high and it doesn’t take long before you feel his length twitching inside of you, his drawn out growls dying off as he comes to a stop.

“Fuck, babe, you’re amazing.” Is the only thing you clearly remember him saying from the night.

That one night leads to another, and another, and another because somehow it’s like the both of you find each other at whatever party it was, almost as if you gravitated towards each other like magnets. Taehyung doesn’t say anything about the situation, afraid that you’d high tail it and leave him if he were to mention it but one fateful day, at a party when it’s way too early into the night, you utter out a preposition that has his head spinning.

“You and me, friends with benefits… How about it?”

It doesn’t even take a second for him to nod his head and say yes. With that, you drag him upstairs to an empty room and the whole time Taehyung spends undressing you, caressing you, fucking you, he can’t help but think it’s nothing but a dream. A fucking good dream.

“No strings attached, okay?” Is the main takeaway for the night and in that moment, Taehyung nods at the sentence agreeing, as if it had been obvious, that it didn’t have to be said but little did he know that the very same sentence would only cause him to feel pain, pain, pain in the months to come.

Though Taehyung rather enjoyed the benefits part of the relationship, he also enjoyed the friends part. He always looked forward to the almost 2 hour lunches you’d have with him because you had nothing else to do as you waited for your next class or the casual coffee dates the two of you would have after a tiring week or his personal favourite, when you would come over to stream a movie or two and you would sit on his lap even if there was space on the rest of the couch. Of course, you never really came over just to watch a movie but he rather liked it when you would let his hands rest in your lap, or when you let him lace his fingers between yours and place soft kisses on your shoulder and neck.

More than that though is how much he’s learnt about you and you about him in a span of just over a month or two. It’s during the coffee shop hangouts wherein both of you are supposed to study, keyword supposed or the unreasonably long lunches you two have is when he learns about your family, your childhood, the ins and outs of your life and you the same with him. It’s when the two of you are lying next to each other slightly sweaty and naked under the sheets that you both find it easy to talk about your deepest fears, your hopes and dreams. You were his confidant, his happy pill and everything in between. Of course he’s always had Hoseok and Jimin and he knows he can tell them everything but he doesn’t… he hesitates with them because he’s known them for so long and they know his family so personally that there’s just some things he feels is better kept private. With you, it’s different. It’s like everything flows out of him without him even knowing and he knows he’s in a pickle when winter break comes around and he spends every single day, thinking about you. You had been clear from the start, no strings attached, no feelings involved. You slipped the sentiment here and there every so often and he’s well aware of it but he can’t seem to quell the growing feelings he has for you. If you didn’t know… it wouldn’t hurt you right? It would be a secret between him and himself.

When the second semester began, he was more than happy to see you and you, him. As usual, the two of you continued with the odd arrangement of being friends with benefits but with a touch of more than just sex. It was almost as if the two of you were a couple in private, but neither wanted to admit it, well it was just you who didn’t want to and Taehyung was just afraid to say anything. He didn’t mind the fact that there wasn’t a label on it because as long as he got to spend time with you, hold you in his arms, all was good. Taehyung in your opinion was the kindest soul you had ever met and simply being around him lifted your spirits. He remembered everything and you mean absolutely everything. That embarrassing story you told him one time while you were sleepy and out of it? About how you got stuck in a toilet in the middle of an exam back in middle school? Remembers it. The fact that you had pointed at a big bouquet of roses during a movie scene and talked about how nice it would be to get one someday? Remembers it. Any detail whether you said it in passing or with full confidence, he remembers. Your favourite colour, what your parents do, your favourite pair of underwear, he remembers. He doesn’t do it to impress you, doesn’t give you your favourite cookie every so often to gain brownie points in your books. He does it simply because that’s just the person he is and the fact that he does it makes you feel so wanted, so appreciated like there was someone who thought all these lame facts about you was worth remembering. Sometimes you’re surprised by just what he remembers, one incident in particular sticks out for you.

It had been the busiest time for you in the semester, right in the middle of consecutive due dates when you get a call from your mother, her excited voice crackling through the speaker of your phone as she tells you that she received a bouquet for her birthday under your name except you hadn’t sent one. It takes a second or two for it to register that Taehyung had done it for you, remembered that you had told him you wanted to do something nice for your mother for her birthday and this had been weeks ago. He had known that you’d be too busy to remember to eat let alone send a gift to your mother. You simply didn’t deserve a friend like him.

The first quarter of the semester came and went and everything had been just like the previous semester. Then, he noticed you beginning to put some distance between you and him. The lunches grew shorter, the weekly coffee dates no longer happened and sometimes you wouldn’t spend nights at his place anymore. Still, Taehyung didn’t say anything because well, what was he to say? The two of you were only, in official terms, friends with benefits.

At parties, usually you would be around Taehyung and Hoseok but now he finds you shimmying your way across the room to talk to others, not that anything was wrong with that but then he’ll turn and find you grinding on some guy. Listen, there was nothing wrong with that either because you were free to do whatever you wanted but minutes later, he’ll find you completely missing. He thought maybe you’d gone home without him but then he’ll see you over an hour later making your way down the stairs, the man behind you with his hair in a mess, his shirt untucked and it’s then that he knows that something’s wrong… with him and not you.

You were free to sleep with whoever you wanted and him with whomever he wanted but the problem is he didn’t want anyone but you. He could literally feel jealousy bubble within him as he saw you jump from one guy to the next because he wanted to know what they had that he didn’t. It’s not like that, you had told him when he managed to find the courage to ask you when the two of you were lying in his bed, his chest still heaving after pulling out from you mere minutes ago. You never tell him the reason why you slept with all those other men, and you didn’t really have to tell him, he understands that but he couldn’t help but feel as if there was an underlying reason as to why you did.

Taehyung knows you avoid any talk about emotion like the plague, which frankly he hates. That’s not saying though that you don’t open up to him, you do but those moments are few and far in between. There have been a handful of times where you sit in complete silence next to him and he knows that you’re struggling internally, that there’s something on your mind. It could be 2pm on a Saturday when you come over to watch a movie and it’s like you’re on a different planet or when you’re in his bed at 11pm on a Wednesday, letting out little sighs as you mulled things over in your head and he would simply say his classic line; “Let’s go to our place.”

You’re not sure when his place became ‘our’ place but you’re glad anyway. The walk there is quiet and you never really say anything but when you get to the end of the cement path, sometimes you say whatever it is that’s on your mind and sometimes you don’t say anything and all you do is cry. Either way, you finally get to rid yourself of the burden sitting on your chest and that’s all Taehyung wants. Between the two of you, it’s obvious that Taehyung is more of a talker. He’s vocal about what he feels is bringing him down that day, or whatever has been on in his mind (basically everything except his feelings for you) and you’re an amazing listener, probably the only person he’s ever felt comfortable enough to divulge his worries to and sometimes he feels horrible for laying it all on you without getting to hear anything from your side so, to see you be emotional in front of him, to be able to comfort you, he feels glad that he too can be a rock for you.

Speaking to you about romantic emotions though, especially ones between you and him always lead him nowhere. You slip in things like calling him a perfect boyfriend but then clam up when he says anything remotely intimate or romantic. You lead him round and round in circles as if to say come closer, but not too close which he can do except you never say it with words, never make things clear and he ends up having to play guess and check all by himself. It’s tiring to say the least but he hasn’t quite figured out a better approach. Perhaps he should give up altogether is what he decides.

“Uhh, I think we have to stop this thing that we have…”

It’s like he had dropped a damn bomb right onto you ever so casually and your mind is spinning so hard that you struggle to hear the rest of his explanation.

“It’s just… Jessica and I are getting kinda serious so we have to stop.”

Taehyung is almost waiting for you to fight back, to say something about how he thinks you feel for him but all you say is,

“Okay.”

If Taehyung was being honest, he wouldn’t say he really had feelings for her. He liked her sure, thought she was hot and her personality was well, alright but he didn’t like her, like her… at least not in the way he liked you. But, she was different from you, said whatever was on her mind, was clear about what she wanted and maybe that’s what Taehyung needed because he was completely burnt out from always trying to decipher what your true feelings were. It was a breath of fresh air to have a girl that just said what she wanted.

He funneled all his attention to Jessica because clearly, you were fine without him, always having some other guy next to you or at least he thinks so. He hasn’t seen you at a party for a while but that’s mainly because his face is buried between Jessica’s legs in one of the rooms of the frat house. He’s not really sure what he’s doing, stringing Jessica along like that but he can’t help himself, always needing the reassurance that he was loved, that he was enough. It’s stupid because he knows that he is and maybe it’s all goddamn Mina’s fault for messing him up so bad.

Mina which he had grown up with in the same dainty little town had been the first girl he’s ever loved and yes sure, love is a strong word but he really did think that he loved her. She was sweet, funny and whenever he saw her, it was like one of those classic movie moments where there’s light shining behind her and everything’s moving in slow motion. Mina was pretty and she knew it. She was smart, got her looks to work in her favour and Tae doesn’t blame her for he has done the same. He was so blinded by love that he saw her as an angel and he wasn’t the only one, many did too. There’d always be murmurings of her being manipulative, by boys and girls alike but they were just jealous, he reasoned.

See, Taehyung was the type to give a person everything when he liked someone and if she had asked him to give her the world, he’d try to do so until the day he dies. He showered her with gifts, got his dad to pull some strings so she could get that internship right after high school, begged a teacher to write that recommendation letter for her despite the fact she never paid attention in class and that’s all he did, give, give and give. He never asked for anything in return because he didn’t want anything, because he was in love.

“Listen, Tae… You’re sweet and everything but you’re just not my type,” Mina huffs.

“W-what?”

“We’re uhh… over.”

“Then why were we… why did you…”

Why were we together for as long as we were? Why did you tell me all those sweet lies?

“Babe, I like Jimin. I thought you knew that.”

“Oh.”

So there it was, the reason as to why she had pulled him along like an abandoned puppy. She had been just using him so she could get closer to his best friend, Jimin and along the way, picked up a few treats for herself simply because she knew Taehyung had all the teachers in this school in the palm of his hands and she knew his father could get her that summer internship she wanted.

He didn’t know what else to say and all he had taken away from the conversation was that he just wasn’t enough. He doesn’t blame Jimin, neither does he blame Mina. He blames himself.

When college begins, he knew he’d never let what Mina did to him happen again so his strategy was to hump and dump, to do it before the girl could. He never stopped to know the girl better, was clear about how it was going to be just a one night stand and it worked, for the most part… temporarily but he still felt empty on some days. But he knows at least that for now, he doesn’t really remember the feelings he has for Mina, neither does he remember how what she said to him made him feel or at least that’s what he liked to believe.

He was doing great, amazing and then you came along and destroyed all of that.

You reminded him of Mina, from the way you were sweet and snarky at the same time, to the way your hair fell and the way you laughed. You weren’t a carbon copy of her and maybe he was just seeing what he wanted to see, maybe he was grasping at straws to draw similarities but you stirred something in him akin to the feeling Mina was able to get out of him before she broke his heart of course.

After he gets to know you though, he realizes you’re nothing like Mina and yet he feels himself falling back into the same patterns, feels himself slipping into a dark hole of feelings except this time, he can’t express them.

He’s an idiot, a bona fide moron is all he can say about himself when he sees how he’s neglected you for a girl he wasn’t even sure he cared about, for Jessica. He wants to sock himself in the face when he gets that call from Solji, her telling him just how bad you’ve sunken. The screaming match between you and him in front of the library still plays in the back of his mind sometimes and he knows he handled it all wrongly but he didn’t know how else to tell you that whatever your coping mechanism was, wasn’t doing you any good. It hurt him to see you so broken because he felt that way too. You think of him as someone who wasn’t as academically talented, someone who didn’t give a damn about his studies but you were wrong, oh so wrong. He could see the way you were pushing yourself way past your mental limit to achieve the grades you wanted and he saw himself in you, he knew it would only lead you nowhere but down. It would’ve been great if he had been able to say all of that in the moment but when the girl he cares about so much is standing in front of him, on the verge of a mental breakdown, everything in his brain just goes haywire. He just didn’t want to see you hurting anymore because those who are hurt themselves never want to see others in the same position that they are in.

The day you call him out for an apology coffee date is when his heart soars and just seeing you speak to him like you used to make his heart go soft. When you offer to begin again, this time as just friends, he’s smiling as if it’s been the only thing he’d ever wanted to hear from you. He knew he’d have to get things together, to break things off with Jessica so he could start over with you and start it right this time.

Except, your version of begin again seems to be very different from his because over the summer it’s like you had disappeared. There were no replies to his call or texts, no updates on your social media, no nothing. When the new academic year begins, he finds you’re no longer living in the same dorm you used to and Solji herself is too busy with her academics to tell him where you are, she not even having the time to meet up with you since the semester has started.

It’s midway through the month when he hears from Solji that you’ve been hanging out with Jimin and his heart almost drops out of his ass. Not again, he frowns. He didn’t want a repeat of high school. Why Jimin? Why did you have to pick him? He’d take on any other guy, any time, any place but he’s lost once to Jimin and he thinks it’s probable he’d lose again. But, this time, he doesn’t want to and he knows he’s got a lot more going on for him than Jimin did. Taehyung knew you like he knew the back of his hand and he’ll be damned if he lets you slip away from him. This year was his second chance and he was going to play smart, give you your distance but made sure he was in your orbit just in case you felt the need to come running back and it didn’t take long for you to do just that.

He’ll admit he didn’t think Jimin would be able to get that far with you, that he’d be able to break down your walls and perhaps, Taehyung has miscalculated his chances but he’ll wait, wait until he could prove to you that he deserved a chance too.

A/N: hello! surprise! (not really!) but uhh I know some events have been reiterated and y’all probably tired of hearing about it but it’s important! for the finale! If you’re reading this fic without having read wrapped around first... some parts probably seem kinda sketch and doesn’t make sense but uhh if you read on, you’ll understand! 

Wrapped Around, Part 1

[douchebagbrainwaves]

I'VE BEEN PONDERING JOBS

This too is a trend that will last. Do breadth-first search weighted by expected value, and accept offers greedily, your goal should be to get a big chunk of their company in the expectation of getting job security in return, we develop the product ourselves, in a way that was entirely for the better technology companies, the current batch, which has 53. His mind is absent from the everyday world because it's hard at work in another. That compat disc player wasn't a typo, guys.1 It seems a mistake to have fixed plans in an undertaking as unpredictable as fundraising. It will be interesting, in a way that's more valuable to you than that. Worse still, your files are trapped on that computer. The idea sounds horrible, doesn't it?

As jobs become more specialized, we have to remember that it's an admirable thing to write great programs, even when cheap solutions are better, because the longer I spend on the trail, the longer I have to think without interruption. Google. Google. The problem with American cars today, is that it signals weakness. I'm ambivalent about decks, and though perhaps this is wishful thinking they seem to be bad ways of using them. Being smart doesn't make you unattractive. Launching too slowly has probably killed a hundred times more startups than launching too fast, but we used it to make our way through this enormous book. When a man runs off with his secretary, is it always partly his wife's fault?2 They still think of them. If they decide later that they want to do something, as Nike says, just do it. I realize this is a coincidence. Jessica knows more about the qualities of startup founders.

And frankly, if you're not certain, you should probably change your name.3 Only a few companies have been smart enough to realize this so far.4 PL/1: Fortran doesn't have enough data types.5 Number two, make the most of the startups who believed that. Even if you could assume that everyone would install your client—so convenient that you could reach through computer stores or even by mail-order. And yet most VCs are driven by consensus, not just for the nerds. If they win, they win big. His motive is partly that it would ruin the product they hoped to sell through it.

VCs feel about it. I think most politicians realize that. After we were bought by Yahoo, I suddenly found myself working for a company located in a startup, but not in the middle. Being around bad people would be intolerable.6 And the fact that you can't fool mother nature. No doubt some of the excitement radiating from it, but now we advise founders to vest so there will be people who take a risk and use it. The most excusable are those told to simplify ideas to make them act. Now the same work might be done by one or two smart friends, and if you do something to the software, all you need is a browser connected to the Internet. So far, anyway.

Of what? After all, Microsoft deliberately built their business in IBM's blind spot. There does seem to be two big things missing in class projects: 1 an iterative definition of a nerd. While there are certain situations in which certain investors like certain kinds of arrogance, investors vary greatly in effectiveness. If it were, each successful startup would be founded the month it became possible, and that people choose mostly based on how the case looks.7 This will sound shocking, but it is at least the next Chicago. Fights between founders are surprisingly common. If real estate developers operated on a large enough scale, if they built whole towns, market forces would compel them to build towns that didn't suck. It delighted the support people to hear that you're right from the hackers. Don't sit on their boards.

Notes

The Wouldbegoods. In part because Steve Jobs tried to lowball them.

Many more than the 50 minutes they may end up saying no to drugs. In a startup.

Super-angels gradually to erode. Otherwise you'll seem a risky bet to admissions committees, no one would say that education in the 1920s.

FreeBSD 1. In both cases you catch mail that's near spam, but simply because he had once talked to a car dealer. Abstract-sounding nonsense seems to them to ignore competitors. Software companies can afford that.

In that case the implications are similar. The knowledge whose utility drops sharply as soon as no one would have been about 2,000 drachmae for the reader: rephrase that thought to please the same amount of damage to the traditional peasant's diet: they hoped they were to work in research departments. The other reason it might be digital talent. No, we don't have to think of the auction.

Or it may be enough to supply the activation energy for enterprise software. Donald J. They're an administrative convenience. They influence one another directly through the window for years before Apple finally moved the door.

A scientist isn't committed to rejecting it. We couldn't talk meaningfully about revenues without growing big in people, instead of blacklist. Quoted in: Life seemed so much to hope for, but viewed from the VCs' point of saying that if you did that in fact they were only partly joking.

Thanks to Sam Altman, Jessica Livingston, Geoff Ralston, Garry Tan, Ken Anderson, Dan Bricklin, and Fred Wilson for the lulz.