#planning for the future fills me with so much dread to the point of being paralized and i just can't see myself in it. at all anymore' is

[icedille]

all this to say objectively speaking i know i should try to continue going to therapy but she can't see me outside of my work hours so it will be a whole process of asking my boss and maybe i actually won't be able to work full time bc of that and i. don't wanna. also even if i could go i'm not even sure it would do anything at this point because i'm so bad at talking about the things that are actually a problem and i KNOW i should work on that but seeing how the last few times went i'm not sure it's entirely my fault either

[papiliotao]

꒰ 𝒔𝒐𝒍𝒂𝒄𝒆 ✩࿐

pairings: alhaitham, childe, cyno, heizou, kazuha, scaramouche, tighnari, and xiao x gn!reader (separate)

content: fluff, comfort in a way, established relationship, protective boyfriends, persistent stranger won’t stop trying to ask you out

summary: you and your boyfriend attend a party together. however, a bothersome man keeps trying to flirt with you.

a/n: unfortunately icky people are unavoidable, but the idea of being protected from them is just <3 anyway, i hope you enjoy reading this!

ALHAITHAM

Stay calm. Stay calm. Stay calm.

Those are the words you repeat to yourself over and over, echoing through your head like an overplayed melody. It takes everything in you to remain in control of your emotions and refrain from slapping the audacious man standing in front of you.

You want nothing more than to leave peacefully before things escalate to a dreadful point of no return.

And amidst all of your wishing, a saving grace comes to aid you. In other words, your boyfriend turns up at just the right moment, although you expected nothing less from someone as perceptive as Alhaitham.

“Is there a problem here?” Alhaitham asks as he walks up to you. His voice is as cold as the glacial essence of bygone winters. It’s not unusual for Alhaitham to speak in such a tone, but somehow his words feel more pointed right now.

“No,” the man blurts out quickly, regarding Alhaitham with a look filled with both curiosity and apprehension. “I was just trying to ask them out.” He gestures at you, and you internally cringe at his antics.

He really is shameless.

However, Alhaitham is unfazed by the stranger’s actions. He simply sighs and takes your hand in his.

“Good because we’ll be taking our leave now,” Alhaitham says monotonously. He begins to pull you away, not sparing so much as a glance back at the man you had been conversing with just seconds prior.

“Wh — Hey! What do you think you’re doing?” the man exclaims, trying his best to catch up with both you and Alhaitham.

Despite his efforts, he’s swept away by a tide of partygoers as Alhaitham leads you through crowds of people. It almost feels as though he had planned an escape before approaching you, observing, analyzing, and carefully calculating in a meticulous manner in order to determine the best course of action.

Once the two of you are sure you’ve successfully evaded the stranger, Alhaitham looks you up and down, scanning your body for any sign of injury. He ensures you’re alright before speaking.

“After that experience, I doubt you want to remain here any longer,” he says. Although he’s still quite stoic, there’s a certain lofty quality to his voice that makes it feel softer than it had back when he had confronted the irritating man. “I suggest that we leave right now. I was beginning to get a headache from the constant noise anyway.”

You crack a small smile. Alhaitham is as blunt as always, and that’s what you love about him. Your boyfriend is incredibly straightforward, and while other people would see his behaviour as callous or insensitive, you know that this is just how he is.

“Take me away,” you tell Alhaitham, looking into his eyes, gazing at your reflection within hues reminiscent of a breathtaking oasis in the middle of a desert. 

It’s rather fitting. Alhaitham is your refuge. With him, you feel safe, and you’re sure that if any similar situations arise in the future, he’ll be by your side to defend you.

With those words, your boyfriend leads you out the front door of the party venue, and you escape into the night, losing yourselves in the bliss found under the ephemeral lamplight of a secluded evening, warmed by each other’s touch.

CHILDE

“Hey, you,” you hear a familiar voice speak from behind you. You look back to see strands of messy ginger hair resting above ocean blue eyes. “I couldn’t help but notice that you were making my lover uncomfortable.” Childe enunciates the words “my lover”, making it clear that you’re already taken.

Your boyfriend moves between you and the man, shielding you.

You sigh. If this escalates any more, it won’t end well. You know Childe well enough to predict that the confrontation could get rather… heated if you didn’t stop it. However, you feel as though you can’t do anything.

“Who said they were yours?” the man talks back, smirking at Childe. He knows Childe is challenging him.

You flinch. Childe seems to be getting more and more irritated by the moment. As you glance at your lover, you notice a blaze of blue embers beginning to flare within his irises.

“Listen carefully, buddy,” Childe says, leaning in closer to the man. Your boyfriend towers over the stranger in an almost comical manner. “They’re my partner, and if you don’t stay away from them,” Childe pauses, “well, let’s just say you’ll find the consequences quite unpleasant.”

Childe smiles, and although he maintains a friendly façade, the intent of his words is not lost on the man. An icy chill permeates the air, and you feel shivers go down your spine.

Although he’s dense, the man before you seems to sense the change in atmosphere as well. He mutters something under his breath, glares at your boyfriend one last time, and leaves. 

“Serves him right,” Childe chuckles. “I’m glad you’re safe now.,” your boyfriend tells you, giving you a kiss on the forehead. “If anyone ever bothers you again, just tell me, and I’ll deal with it.”

CYNO

“What do you think you’re doing?” Your boyfriend’s deep voice interjects, throwing the man standing in front of you off. He’s standing behind the stranger, gazing deep into your eyes with a look that reassures you that everything will be okay.

You smile. As expected, Cyno is as vigilant as ever, especially when it comes to your safety. Nothing ever slips past him.

“Why do you want to know?” the persistent man replies, not bothering to turn around and face Cyno. It seems that he hasn’t recognized Cyno yet because you’re sure that if he did, he would back off in an instant.

“Perhaps because I’m the General Mahamatra?” Cyno refutes dryly. It’s almost laughable how casual Cyno sounds because as the stranger hears your boyfriend’s words, his features twist into an expression of shock, undergoing a metamorphosis where all hints of smugness are replaced by nothing short of pure horror.

The stranger slowly turns away from you to face Cyno. As soon as he catches a glimpse of your lover, he freezes. Soon enough, fear causes tremors to wrack his body, and he averts his gaze in order to look anywhere but directly at Cyno.

“What’s wrong?” Cyno asks the stranger. “You’re not quite as bold now as you were a few seconds ago.” Your boyfriend acts clueless, taunting the man slightly. Although it’s barely noticeable, you see his lips turn up ever so slightly in a subtle grin for a few seconds before the expression vanishes entirely.

“I — I’m sorry, General Mahamatra,” the man says. He shrinks back under Cyno’s gaze. “Please forgive me.”

Cyno sighs.

“I’ll let you off easy this time,” he mutters, “but if I catch you harassing anyone else…” Cyno trails off, leaving the rest to the man’s imagination.

The man swallows a lump in his throat and nods furiously.

“And as for you,” Cyno makes eye contact with you, “I’ll escort you away from this man,” he says.

He gestures for you to follow him, and as he leads you away from the stranger, you feel your nerves beginning to settle. The erratic beating of your heart, the restless thoughts battering your weary mind like waves tossling a ship, and the overwhelming urge to simply run away all cease to exist. Instead, a sense of safety floods over you. It’s a calmness like no other, akin to the ambience encapsulated in quiet dusks spent with the one you love most.

Once you’re far enough away, Cyno laces your fingers with his. Although no words are exchanged, you know it’s an act of comfort, and after the hectic events of the day, you find that it’s exactly what you need.

HEIZOU

“Well, well, what do we have here?” Heizou’s voice interrupts the conversation between you and the stranger trying to pursue you.

You breathe a sigh of relief as your boyfriend comes up to you.

“You have a good eye,” Heizou says, causing confusion to riddle your mind. What is he saying? Is he encouraging the stranger to continue flirting with you?

“Thanks,” the man replies. However, his eyes narrow after a few seconds. “But are you going to try to steal them away from me?”

Heizou chuckles. “Well, it’s not like they’re yours, right?”

The stranger’s features twist into an expression of shock, and as he’s lost in a surprised daze, Heizou glances over at you and winks. You sigh. Leave it to Heizou to come up with a cheeky method to get you out of a predicament.

The man rolls his eyes, and then turns his attention back to you. He plasters a smirk onto his face.

“Come on, darling,” the man says, his voice is sickly sweet, dripping with a venomous nectar, “I’m much more attractive than this idiot, right?” The stranger gestures at Heizou, and you have to force yourself to stifle a giggle.

“I disagree,” you tell him, causing the smug expression to fall from his features.

The man opens his mouth to protest, but no sound comes out.

“Man alive,” Heizou says. “I guess I’m just far too charming to resist.” He grins at you playfully and inches closer towards you.

The stranger scowls, and turns away.

“Fine,” he sighs. “You win.”

Your boyfriend kisses you on the cheek as the man walks away. You look into his verdant eyes and grin at him, thankful that he was able to get you out of the troubling situation, even if his ways were slightly unorthodox.

KAZUHA

“Excuse me, love, is this man bothering you?” Kazuha asks as he walks up to you. He subtly wraps an arm around your shoulders, making it clear to everyone in the room that you’re taken.

You feel the tension within your body alleviate as you’re enveloped in your boyfriend’s warm embrace. Even now, his touch is simultaneously as comforting as the sun on a euphoric spring day and as calming as a gentle autumnal breeze. The discomfort that you had previously felt due to the unfamiliar man trying to flirt with you dissipates.

“Oh, is he your boyfriend?” the man sneers, glaring at Kazuha with eyes that speak of malicious intent. He shuffles slightly closer to you, and you feel shivers run down your spine.

“He is. Now will you leave me alone?” you respond bluntly, hoping that your words will be enough to make the man back off.

You feel Kazuha’s grip on you tighten. Your heart melts when you realize he’s trying to protect you. He can read you like a book, and he’s the most thoughtful boyfriend you could ever ask for, unlike the man standing before you.

You look over at Kazuha, and you notice that his crimson eyes have narrowed, the stars once filling his irises turning into pointed daggers. It’s almost disturbing to see him this way. You’re so used to seeing your boyfriend with a look of pure adoration dancing through lakes of soft red, but now he looks nothing short of intimidating.

It seems that the stranger feels the same way as you because as you look back at him, you see his gaze lock with Kazuha’s. He shrinks back, and he begins to step away.

“Okay, okay, fine,” the man scowls. “I’m out of your league anyway!” He quickly turns around and walks away.

You and Kazuha watch as he leaves. Once he disappears back into the crowd, Kazuha speaks.

“Are you alright, my love?” Kazuha asks you.

You smile contently when you hear his voice soften once more. You’re so lucky to have a caring and kind boyfriend who always has your best interest in mind.

“I’m fine, and it’s all because of you,” you say. “Thank you, Kazuha.”

SCARAMOUCHE

Discomfort flows through your veins, and shivers run down your spine. The man before you is making you feel unparalleled discomfort, and at this point, you’re wondering why your boyfriend hasn’t stepped in.

You can see him in the edges of your vision. His hair, spun of midnight, sits atop porcelain skin, and most strikingly of all, a gargantuan hat obscures his eyes. As expected, he’s sitting in a secluded corner, away from all the action, but you know he’s keeping an eye on you.

“There’s no need to act so shy,” the man tells you, stepping closer to you. He smirks at you, and you feel nothing short of disgust. “I’m friendly. I promise.”

The stranger leans in, and he’s about to wrap an arm around your shoulder when all of a sudden, someone grabs his wrist.

“Care to explain what you were trying to do with my lover?” Scaramouche hisses at the man. 

When you look over at your boyfriend, you notice that there’s a certain glint in his eyes. It’s dangerous. He looks as though he’s ready to do almost anything to defend you from the unfamiliar man.

Although the stranger is stunned for a few moments, he quickly snaps out of his daze and chuckles.

“This is ridiculous,” the man says, sneering at Scaramouche.

This is not going to end well.

“Why would I feel threatened by someone like you?” the stranger glances down at Scaramouche with disdain dancing through his irises. While it’s true that Scaramouche is rather short in stature compared to the man, you think that he’s underestimated your boyfriend’s strength.

The stranger attempts to pull his wrist out from Scaramouche’s grip, but Scaramouche only tightens his hold. It’s in that moment that you see the unfamiliar man’s eyes go wide with fear and uncertainty.

“Do you really think I’m stupid enough to pick a fight I can’t win?” Scaramouche retorts.

The stranger seems to shrink under the glare hosted within your boyfriend’s indigo hues. Although Scaramouche’s eyes usually resemble a serene night sky speckled with entire galaxies of stars when he’s with you, his softer side has now vanished. Instead, his irises are filled with a coldness that the majority of people who cross him are familiar with.

Scaramouche smirks.

“Listen closely because I’ll only say this once,” your boyfriend hisses in a low tone, indiscernible to the party-goers around you, and yet when his voice reaches your ears, it almost feels as though it’s been amplified. “Leave me and my partner alone. Lay another finger on them, and there will be far worse consequences.”

Upon hearing Scaramouche’s words, the man nods furiously.

You almost laugh.

Even though he tried to appear all tough earlier, the stranger has been reduced to nothing more than a trembling coward in the presence of your boyfriend.

“Now, run along,” Scaramouche releases the man from his grasp, waving his hand as an indication for the stranger to get out of his sight. “Take this as a warning.”

Without another word, the man scrambles away, nearly tripping over himself in his panicked state. Once he’s finally gone, you hear your boyfriend breathe out a sigh of relief.

“What a bother,” he says. “Are you alright?”

You nod. “Thank you for protecting me.”

You lean in towards your boyfriend and give him a quick kiss as a reward. His lips are soft and as warm as ever, and butterflies dance around in the pit of your stomach, eliciting feelings of absolute bliss within your heart.

As you pull away, you note that a shade of red has dawned upon his cheeks, tinting his pale skin a hue reminiscent of vivid sunsets.

TIGHNARI

“Excuse me. Is it just me, or does the person you’re talking to appear extremely uncomfortable?” Tighnari asks, coming up to you and narrowing his eyes at the man pestering you. His tone isn’t the friendliest, but you don’t blame him. After all, it’s difficult to remain calm when a stranger is persistently flirting with your significant other.

The man chuckles, completely disregarding Tighnari’s words and turning his attention back to you. He smirks at you and then speaks.

“You’re not uncomfortable, right gorgeous?” he says, looking at you with an expression that sends shivers down your spine. It’s ironic. He insists that you’re alright, yet you’re feeling more and more unsettled by the second. Thankfully, your boyfriend is here to help.

“Take a closer look at their body language,” Tighnari sighs, staring intently at the man.

Although the stranger does take a few seconds to look you over, he doesn’t seem to notice anything. Instead, he simply rolls his eyes and turns back to Tighnari in order to refute him once more.

“I don’t see anything wrong,” the man scoffs, glaring daggers at your lover. He’s beginning to become slightly hostile, and it seems Tighnari can tell because as the stranger steps closer towards you, Tighnari wraps a hand firmly around your wrist and pulls you behind him.

“Since you’re not sensible enough to discern that you’re bothering them,” Tighnari gestures at you, his gaze steeling into the embodiment of desolate winter flurries as he turns his focus back to the man, “we’ll be taking our leave.”

Before the stranger can protest, Tighnari drags you away. He leads you into a crowd, and as you walk, you begin to feel disoriented. However, you assume it’s all part of your boyfriend’s plan to lose the man. Every left and every right begins to feel the same, but eventually, you end up outside the venue in a breathtaking spot where a gentle zephyr causes leaves to sing songs of blissful serenity and thousands of stars dazzle atop a canvas of dark night.

“Thank you,” you say to Tighnari once the two of you stop. As you meet his gaze, you notice that his expression has softened, and his eyes reflect the majestic skies above.

“Don’t thank me,” he tells you. “I was just doing what any good lover would do.”

He pulls you into an embrace. In the midst of evening frigidness, his touch causes a tepidness to blossom — a tepidness you wish to indulge in until sunrise paints the sky shades of pink and orange.

XIAO

Right now, you need Xiao more than ever, but unfortunately for you, he’s not here.

Xiao had left earlier in order to get some fresh air. You agreed to let him go upon seeing the distress and discomfort swimming through his warm amber hues. He told you he would be back soon, and you hope that he’ll stay true to his promise because at the moment, you just want him to show up and save you.

You just have to hold out until he returns.

“Are you sure you don’t want to go out with me?” the stranger before you asks, gazing at you with pleading eyes. You grimace under the weight of his stare, a look that feels so unbearably heavy upon your conscience.

“Sorry, I have a boyfriend.” You force the words out, trying your hardest to remain civil, even in the face of such a predicament.

The man’s eyes darken and fill with shadows reminiscent of the essence of night. Your body tenses, and a feeling of anxiousness begins to fill your heart, causing it to beat in a panicked frenzy.

“Are you lying to me?” he asks.

But just as things appear as though they’re about to escalate, you feel a gentle tap on your shoulder.

“Is something wrong?” a calm voice questions you.

It’s Xiao. He’s here, and upon realizing that, a sense of security washes over you. Your boyfriend is back, and now you have actual proof that you’re already taken.

“Xiao!” you exclaim, heart filling with elation as you glance over at him. At the moment, he looks more handsome than ever. Party lights accentuate his dark hair with various shades of the rainbow, and his irises contain dandelion hues that glow as brightly as ever. You feel nothing short of relieved to see him.

Your boyfriend looks back at you, and when you make eye contact with him, reassurance flickers through his gaze.

You’re going to be alright.

Xiao slides his hand down your arm in order to interlace your fingers together. His warmth momentarily causes you to forget all the worry that had once plagued your mind, and the tension within you unravels and dissipates, dissolving under rays of golden comfort.

Xiao looks over at the man, who appears to be frozen in shock and embarrassment. He sighs and tugs on your hand gently, signaling to you that now is the perfect time to make your escape.

You allow your boyfriend to pull you away, weaving in and out of a crowd of partygoers. He pulls you away from the commotion, and before you know it, the two of you are together alone in a secluded spot on the roof of the venue.

Xiao wraps his arms around you, enveloping you in an embrace akin to the caress of the luminous moon above. It’s comforting, and after all the turmoil, you feel like everything is alright once more.

to be honest, this probably isn’t my best work, but i hope you liked reading it! thank you for reading! if you enjoyed this, please reblog or comment!

[auroragreenvale]

People Watching - JJ Maybank

They met in class for metaphysical philosophy, he tells his friends I like her ‘cause she’s so much smarter than me

OR How you and JJ met

Summary: A look into different points of JJ and reader's relationship inspired by People Watching by Conan Gray. 3k words

***

A/N: I loveee this song especially the opening verse and I always loved picturing the people that inspired it. The chapters wont follow the order of the lyrics. I hope y'all enjoy :)

***

“Dude look what is this shit?” He smacked the paper before holding it out to Pope. He took hold of it, looking over each class listed in his friend’s schedule for the upcoming year until he found the so-called “shit” JJ was referring to: Philosophy. Pope let out a chuckle the moment he registered the word and looked over at his friend, amused. “Pope, man this isn’t funny they must’ve messed up my schedule and shit! I can’t take this class, man!” Pope could only continue to laugh, catching Kiara’s attention. She grabbed the paper out of Pope’s hand and quickly displayed the same reaction as him. 

“Wow JJ I had no idea you were such a scholar! An intellectual if you will?”

“Shut up Kie!” JJ rolled his eyes as his friends’ laughter died down, ready to show a little sympathy. 

“Look JJ,” Pope started, “It really isn’t that big a deal. This stuff happens just go talk to the counselor and get it fixed, easy.”

“Yeah alright… gimme that,” JJ snatched back his class schedule before roughly folding it and putting it into his pocket. He’d probably remember to look at it again before the first day. Probably.

***

To JJ, school was the single biggest waste of his time. He sat through stupid classes all day, missing out on prime surfing time. And what’s worse, it’s not like he could smoke a joint in the middle of history, much less chat with any of his friends in English. He was just glad to have guaranteed easy classes that required close to nothing on his end. That and the knowledge that he didn’t have parents riding his case about his education or caring about his future allowed him to ignore the nuisance that was school once he left the building. But being put in philosophy did not work into his plan. Philosophy was for the smart people. Like Pope smart. Maybe even smarter and JJ definitely considered himself a lot less smart than Pope. JJ took the classes that were required of him and absolutely nothing else. The people who took philosophy probably finished half of their requirements in middle school and overloaded on classes with specific topics because they were actually interested in them. He shuddered at the thought of more school as he entered his next class. Seven students sat at the various desks, not even filling half of them. JJ thought maybe the rest of the class was running late but he thought it was weird that everyone there currently sat toward the front of the room. His other classes were always full and people had no issue sitting in the very back row even if the one closest to the teacher had yet to be filled. But JJ was a master at blending in of course and even though he planned to get out of this class by tomorrow, he could still have fun pretending to be one of the smart kids. He slid into the last empty seat in the second row, looking around and observing his temporary classmates. His brow furrowed in confusion when he noticed them all with faces in books or scribbling away in their notebooks. How were they doing work before the bell had even rung? He slid down slightly in his seat letting his head hang down in the direction of his empty desktop, hoping to divert attention away from himself so as not to blow his cover and ruin his little game. His hand came up to the side of his face, blocking it from the others in his row as he waited for the dreaded class to begin. 

“Hi!” The sound came from the desk next to him. He lowered his hand and looked over at the girl sitting there. “...I… haven’t seen you before, I’m Y/N.”

“Oh well… I typically take a lotta... math... classes so this is kinda… new for me,” he tested out.

“Oh me too! Maybe we’ll have some more classes together.” You smiled at him warmly.

“Mmm yeah maybe,” he smiled, amused at the possibility, “I’m JJ.”

“Nice to meet you. Glad to have you in class JJ.” Again he smiled, you reading it as politeness when he really was trying to hold back laughter. Finally the bell rang signaling the beginning of class and JJ realized no other students had entered the room. If the first bell took that long to sound, he knew it would take an eternity before the last one would sound, ending his philosophy career and his misery. 

***

“You’re kidding me what!? What do you mean there’s no other classes??” JJ yelled, ignoring that he was in the administrative office. 

“Please keep it down Mr. Maybank. What I mean is that all the other classes at that time are full so we can’t move you out of your current class.”

“Ughh! … Yall messed this up, you gotta fix it!”

“I’m sorry JJ but there’s nothing I can do.”

“Okay but you don’t understand I can’t spend the whole semester in this class its for like the genius kids! I can’t do that shit!”

“Mr. Maybank please watch your language. And as for these ‘genius kids’ I suggest you talk to one of them about tutoring you.” At that JJ threw his head back and groaned as he exited the office and made his way outside to join his friends for lunch. They immediately noticed his dramatic expression as he approached. 

“Whats up J,” Kiara asked slowly. 

“This bullshit! They said they can’t take me outta that stupid class!”

“Wait you mean philosophy? You have to stay in it all semester,” Pope asked. JJ nodded.

“And what’s worse they said I should get a fucking tutor! Like I’m gonna go outta my way and do more school when I’m not even at school,” JJ shook his head, “I think I’ll just go ahead and fail.”

“Hate to break it to you man but if you fail it they’ll probably make you retake it over the summer.”

“Pope dude are you serious?” He nodded. “Fuuuck.” Kiara patted his shoulder, looking amused.

“Well uh, guess you’re getting a tutor.”

***

JJ walked into his second day of philosophy and slumped down in the seat next to yours. Blowing out a breath, he reluctantly looked over at you, preparing to ask you the dreaded question. You gave him a small smile.

“So uh… do you like… tutor people ever? For a friend! He’s… he’s looking for a… tutor.” Your smile grew, knowing where this was going. 

“Oh yeah I do what does your, uh friend need tutoring in?”

“This class!-- Well not this… class but you know this subject.”

“Mmm okay well I’d be willing to be your friend’s study buddy, help ‘em out.”

“Okay cool cool.... Cool. That's real uh cool of you.” You giggled. 

“Cool,” you answered sarcastically. This made JJ laugh softly, dropping his charade.

“Yeah so uh… should we get crackin’ like today I-- I think that would… be good. And do we… me at… the library or…?”

“Um we could or we could just go to my place if that's better?”

“Okay yeah… yeah sure that's good I’ll uh, meet you after school?”

“Sounds good.” He mirrored the smile you gave him before you both turned to face the front of the class where the teacher stood.

***

“JJ come on, the final’s in two weeks you need to get some more work done on your paper so you can start reviewing in time.”

“But dude. This paper is so stupid I do not care about any of these old guys’ theories.”

“Okay but you know them, I know ‘cause I helped you learn them, so pick one and write something about it.” JJ groaned in his usual dramatic fashion making both of you laugh. You shoved him lightly, telling him to write which he eventually began to do. When you had finished up your own essay you turned your attention to what JJ had started writing. You read over the beginnings of his essay a couple of times.

“JJ! This is good. These ideas are really good!”

“Well don’t sound so surprised,” he joked.

“I just mean I figured you had nothing since you didn’t want to write it so bad. But this is good, keep going and we can polish it up.”

“For real?”

“Yeah I’m really proud of you.” It was a simple statement and you quickly turned your attention to work for your other classes. But JJ let his gaze linger on you for a few seconds longer, a small smile on his lips. No one had ever said they were proud of him before. At least not that he could remember and definitely not when it came to smart stuff like this. He felt his heart expand hearing those words and he wondered how it would feel to hear them again. And again. He hoped he might do something else deserving of someone’s pride again. It made him feel taken care of in the way he tries to take care of his friends and it felt good to be on the other side of that kind of affection. He turned his attention back to his work and for the first time in his education, felt some motivation.

“No listen John B she’s like, so smart it's like cool! She might even be smarter than Pope and he’s probably the smartest person I know.” In his modesty, Pope let out a loud laugh, thinking JJ must have pretty low standards for intelligence if he was on the smartest end. “Pope what the hell is funny man?” This made Kiara snicker as well. JJ’s friends were all amused at how serious he seemed to be about this, all seeing what he couldn’t.

“Uh, JJ it sounds like you might have a little crush,” John B said. 

“Shit,” JJ said, brushing off the notion. “Fuck,” he said more quietly in realization in disbelief. His friends continued their quiet giggling at his apparent predicament. 

“You gonna… you gonna ask her out or what? I mean you’ll only be in class together for another what, two weeks? And I doubt you’ll ever be in one of her classes again so,” Pope laughed. 

“Shut up man I could be, I'm doing pretty good.”

“I’m sorry could any of you imagine JJ dating this apparent genius girl,” Kiara laughed at the images it brought to her mind.

“Yeah I don’t know if she’d be down to date like a surfer dude,” John B changed his voice to mock his friend. 

“Or she’d be like studying or something and you’re all,” Kiara also took on a ridiculous voice, “‘Hey babe wanna hit,’” she mimicked blowing out smoke and took on a stoner persona that they all knew was incredibly far off from JJ. But they still found it funny.

“You guys are the fucking worst and I’m gonna ask her out and you’re all gona feel like idiots okay,” JJ said holding both of his middle fingers up for all of his still amused friends to see. 

“Just invite us to the wedding okay,” Kiara mocked, earning a shove from her friend as she fell out laughing. 

***

“Hey I wanna… say, ya know thanks for helping, uh my friend out with this class,” JJ said trying to bring you back to the beginning of the semester with this class. You closed your book figuring it was time for a break. You gave JJ a tired smile that was nonetheless bright. He almost rolled his eyes when he smiled back just as big remembering how his friends noticed his feelings before he did and hating them being right. 

“Well he was a pretty… okay study buddy,” you joked back. JJ let out a breathy laugh.

“Just okay?”

“Well you’re pretty easily distracted but you do keep it fun. So better than okay I guess. And you really impressed me this semester. You’re a lot smarter than you think.” When JJ recalls this moment he can only assume he blushed a bright pink at your genuine statement and the look in your eyes. Thinking about it, he still wants to melt in both embarrassment and somehow happiness. He quickly changed the subject.

“Gonna be weird not seein’ each other all the time huh?” He had really gotten used to seeing you everyday, enjoying the time he spent with you even if it was filled doing activities he didn’t so much enjoy. 

“Yeah.” You paused. “...No one in my classes is ever as,” you searched for the right word but couldn’t find it, “...fun as you.” 

“Well no one in my classes is ever so damn smart like you,” he replied, “But uh, I was wondering did you maybe wanna hang out sometime? Like no studying or anything?”

“Yeah I would, yeah. Let’s do that,” You smiled at him and then opened your textbook again, eyes going down to the words you knew you would no longer be able to focus on. 

***

JJ stood in front of the small bathroom mirror in the Chateau fluffing and fixing his hair over and over, indecisive. He wore his least dirty pair of boots and had borrowed one of John B’s less loud button down shirts. He topped it with a jacket. He felt a little weird but he hoped you’d think he looked nice in the clothes that were slightly nicer than what he typically wore to school. He smoothed back his hair one more time and ran his hand through it once. He settled on that. At least it was clean and dry, an improvement from the usual. He drove the Twinkie to your place, a very familiar route by now. When he arrived he paused in the driver's seat. Did he text you he was here or did he go up and knock? Was that what people did to pick up a friend or just dates? You hadn’t said this was a date. And what if one of your family members answered the door? He let out a breath and opened the car door before he could stop himself. He walked up to the door and knocked. He waited almost a moment too long, beginning to contemplate going back to the car and texting you when you opened the door grinning. You were actually really excited to hang out with JJ and get to know him more without homework and studying. You had enjoyed his company over the semester. JJ smiled and felt relief when you appeared and then suddenly felt self conscious. You looked exactly like yourself and he was wearing someone else's clothes. So fucking stupid. He tried to push it out of his mind as you greeted each other and he walked you to the Twinkie. As you both almost arrived at the driver's side of the car, he had the idea to open your door for you. He stopped awkwardly and abruptly, confusing you, as he changed direction to go around the front of the van. He opened the door for you and you got in thanking him. You showed little confusion, just a small smile, as you were used to his odd actions at this point. JJ got in the car, turned up the music and began driving. He felt nervous as shit. He spent the entire semester with you and now you were causing him to act like an idiot. And this wasn’t even a date! What was wrong with him? He clutched the top of the steering wheel and glanced over at you quickly before he started speaking.

“So uh I was thinking we could maybe get some food over at The Wreck? That… that cool?”

“Yeah that sounds good,” you responded. JJ didn’t really love the idea of going to the place Kie’s parents owned and she worked there. He’d be surprised if he didn’t see his dumbass best friends there trying to spy on his date. If they all weren’t, Kie would definitely be working there, and have prime position to embarrass him. But she did offer to cover half the bill and it was a hot spot. JJ figured it would look good and maybe earn him another date. Or a first real one actually. God he just hoped he wouldn't blow it. Another date with you, even if only one more sounded like a great deal to JJ, and he needed to do everything possible to make it happen.

***

You sat in the passenger seat of the van that JJ had informed you was called the Twinkie. The conversation lulled as he drove the car up to your house and in that moment of silence, realization dawned on you. Your brows scrunched as you tried to make sense of the thought that had appeared in your mind. JJput the car in park and you turned to him before he could say anything. You took a breath. 

“JJ? Was this a date?” You asked it with hesitation but more confidence than you expected to come through your words. JJ turned to you, caught off guard, but quickly painted on his signature playful smirk.

“Did you want it to be,” he asks. You almost rolled your eyes. 

“JJ,” you repeated more sternly this time. You really wanted to know his answer. “Was this a date?” His face softened and his expression changed from the confident boy most knew well to almost bashful. You decided you liked that look on him.

“I was kinda hoping it could be.” He looked up at you at the end of his statement and mustering all of his confidence leaned in. It happened quickly. He touched his lips briefly to yours in a soft kiss. It was so delicate that it stole your breath, making you dizzy. He pulled away before you could even process that moment. He looked at you, eyes closed and bottom lip between your teeth to suppress a smile. You took a deep breath in. 

“Definitely a date then.” You opened your eyes slowly.

“That cool with you,” JJ asked, growing nervous. You nodded flashing that smile that JJ already found intoxicating. 

“I’m hoping you can… take me on another one?”

“Yeah of course.”

“Okay,” you said. You leaned over quickly, mirroring his actions, and placed a kiss on his cheek. Just as quickly, you exited the car with one more look back at the boy. With your back to him as you unlocked your door, he let out a cheer before speeding off. You smiled to yourself as you entered your house and JJ grinned his whole way home.

[mintleafkitty72]

Okay, random thoughts about ROTTMNT regarding a "what if" scenario:

I saw this post and it got me thinking about what if the last back up plan of all back up plans for the bad future timeline in the Rise movie was supposed to be Both F!Leo AND Casey Jr. going back to the past to stop the Krang?

(Really really (that's two reallys) long talk about my thoughts on this under the cut)

Like, they both go back and it roughly follows the same timeline as the movie but so much would still be different just because f!Leo is there too with CJ. Which would be nice for CJ specifically because then he wouldn't be alone after the events of the movie and f!Leo and CJ would have someone that could talk to from the bad future, but I just can't stop thinking about how everyone would react and how differently conversations would go during the events of the movie specifically. There is just so much that could happen and it could go more into depth on how CJ feels about the events and how f!Leo would react as well. And every time Mikey tries using his mystic mojo, f!Leo and CJ's hearts break just a little and that also happens every time any one of them does something that their future selves would do in the bad future. (I wish we got more into CJ's character and how he was feeling during/after the events of the movie and I'm so glad that there are so many writers and artists who have dove into his character, thank you guys)

Just imagine f!Leo seeing his younger self come back from the initial attack on the Foot where he's panicking and Raph isn't back yet and f!Leo just gets a flash back to when he lost his Raph. And then past Leo would still go after CJ (and possibly f!Leo too) about how they knew this would happen and then both Splinter and f!Leo try to talk to p!Leo (or maybe it could go a different way, there's just so many possibilities). And then from that point on, f!Leo sees what p!Leo is doing and deciding as the leader and f!Leo is simultaneously irritated that his past self is being reckless and not listening to anyone's input but also realizing that he is a 16 year old kid and that he was too when the invasion first began in the bad future. (I personally don't think f!Leo would hate his past self if he ever went back in time and that he wouldn't act hostile towards his past self, there'd just be a lot of feelings that he never got to really acknowledge during the apocalypse and a lot of realizations and thoughts occurring that he also wouldn't be able to properly address until after the invasion is stopped. Plus, both Leos I feel like have a lot of self hatred but I don't think f!Leo would take out his hatred on his past self).

Then when the bros are going to the turtle tank, f!Leo either stays with Splinter and April while the bros and CJ go to where Raph is or f!Leo goes with the bros and CJ. If he goes to help find Raph, they'll all still get separated in the subway system but it would still be p!Leo and CJ and the PB&J duo + f!Leo and after that, the final fight would happen. How? Idk lmao, but it would still lead to p!Leo alone to fight Krang Prime and his self sacrifice. And it makes me wonder how f!Leo would react to his past self's decisions, knowing what he was getting himself into? Knowing he would have done the same? Understanding how CJ felt every time he made a similar decision in the bad timeline and barely made it out alive? Knowing exactly how p!Leo feels but also knowing exactly how everyone else feels when losing someone close? The dread of knowing that they're gone but not wanting to accept it? Thinking about how he is going to be the last of their family to die from the bad timeline but the first in this one? Then once a few minutes pass, Raph uses his comm to reach them.

And he tells them to get to Staten Island asap, his voice urgent and filled with worry, but not grief. Questions are asked and eventually Raph says that p!Leo is alive, awake (barely), but severely injured and needs medical attention like now. Then one of the four (either Splinter, April, CJ, or f!Leo) ask Raph how p!Leo isn't in the Prison Dimension anymore and he answers by stating Mikey made a portal with his mystic mojo and CJ and f!Leo's hearts stop. Because they think that Mikey died making that portal just like their bad timeline Mikey did.

So, the four of them head to Staten Island as fast as they can and CJ and f!Leo are confused but relieved to see that Mikey is okay and not dead (but they take note of the markings on Mikey's hands, Donnie's right hand, and Raph's left hand). Then, they see Leo's extremely broken body, they make their way home, and they ALL start their healing processes. How all of that may occur can go in many different ways and I'm down for any of them.

I'm sure others in the Rise fandom have also thought of f!Leo going with CJ to the past to "find the key and stop the Krang" but I just had that thought occur and I had to just talk about what that could entail and all my thoughts about it. Because there are a lot of works where f!Leo goes back in time but I don't think I've seen one where he goes back in time with CJ in order to stop the Krang and is there for the events of the movie. If any of you do know of something like that, would you mind sharing it? I'd love to see it.

[humanitys-strongest-bamf]

"get me a damned matcha" | Chapter 3: August I

{{ Chapter 2: July I | Chapter 4: September I }} Chapter Directory

reader is petty and tbh, same. also we get more on reader's backstory now! :D

if you're interested in getting tagged for updates, fill out this form here!

✧ pairing ➼ levi ackermann x fem!reader, college x coffee shop x roommates!au ✧ summary ➼ After you find yourself plagued with misfortune due to struggles in your personal and family life, you find yourself needing to move last minute. As a junior in undergrad with little money and little social support, you considered yourself lucky when you found a sublease that was close to campus and was relatively cheap. Unfortunately, it seemed that your roommate did not seem to be so excited regarding your presence. ✧ content/warnings ➼ fluff, slowburn, enemies to lovers (sorta), strangers to lovers, mentions of family deaths, reader being a little shit, descriptions of reader being superficial (ITS PART OF THE BACKSTORY ILL EXPLAIN LATER ITS FINE) ✧ word count ➼ ~4.4k

It was the first day of class. How today goes will essentially decide your trajectory for the semester. Everything had fallen apart so quickly last semester, which meant  that you wanted to place the utmost importance upon maintaining a good streak. 'No more bad days' is what you continued to tell yourself, even when the days were undoubtedly bad.

All of the problems from last year are resolved. You still have two more years to get everything done. Things will be back on track.

You stared at yourself intensely in the bathroom mirror as you repeated those thoughts to yourself, hoping that you would believe it if you thought it enough times. 

There were still a lot of loose threads in your life: your ex-boyfriend was still floating around, your aunt was still breathing down your neck about your grades, and you still had a stupidly hostile roommate. The only good thing about the last issue was that Levi irritated you more than he made you anxious, which couldn't be said for the other two. You could cope with being irritated. It fed into your stubbornness. 

The anxiety from the other two were much harder to deal with—so you didn't. It was a problem for future you. The only thing you wanted to focus on today was getting to class on time and surviving the day. After that, you just had to repeat the events of today every single day until you graduated. 

Solid plan, you thought to yourself, although you knew that you were just trying to drown yourself in blind positivity at this point. 

You finally came out of the bathroom, looking as chaotic as you felt. Your hair was a mess, your toothbrush was sticking out of your mouth, and you were still in your shorts and oversized t-shirt. You went into your room to grab your phone before locking yourself into the bathroom again. 

Your grumpy roommate was already up, but that wasn't necessarily a good thing. Levi was currently in the kitchenette, making morning tea, hoping that the caffeine will help with the mind fog that was quickly kicking in for him. Mornings generally weren't good for him, usually due to his inability to sleep regularly. While most would feel refreshed in the morning after the typical 8-10 hours of rest, he would find himself tired, grumpy, and unable to focus, which made it so that he couldn't even do work if he wanted to. All he could do at that point was suffer.

Since he was already irritated by default, he found himself scowling to himself as you ran around the apartment in a rush to get to class on time. He was already dreading having to wake up to this every week for 5 days in a row with you making a ruckus. If you were going to be late on your very first day of class, he couldn't imagine the following days being any better. He had no idea how he was going to deal with this all year.

He raised an eyebrow at you as soon as you came out of your bedroom. You seemed like a completely different person. Where there was formerly an oversized t-shirt, there was now a tight-fitting blouse that had open shoulders and would reveal the small of your back if you stretched your arms up. You wore jeans that tightly hugged your curves and looked incredibly uncomfortable.

Levi wasn't one to judge how you dressed or presented yourself, but the sudden change in dress took him aback. He had spent the past two months seeing you every single day. You had made yourself comfortable in his home—he was still reluctant to verbalize the fact that you lived with him now—and he had seen you in those shorts and t-shirts every day, even when you left the house. The only time in which he saw you in dress that was consistent to what he was seeing now was the very first day you met, after getting off the bus that came from your ex-boyfriend's apartment. 

He eyed you as you walked past him, trying not to make it obvious that he was looking at you. Levi could vaguely tell that you were carrying yourself differently—you were more formal, more elegant, and more...fake. 

He could tell that every movement you were making was forced, as if you were fighting against your instincts. He couldn't tell exactly what it was that gave him this impression, but something seemed different. He'd directly ask what was going on if you didn't irritate him so much at baseline. He didn't want unnecessary conversation with you. He just wanted you to leave.

He told himself this, but Levi did still find himself curious as to what was going on behind your psyche. Has the person he had been living with the past two months actually been someone else and was masking? Or was it the other way around? Or was he completely misinterpreting something as simple as a change in fashion style? 

Levi scolded himself for even being this nosey as he watched you pack your bags. It wasn't any of his business. He was just forced to see you every day, so of course he'd be curious about such a drastic change.

You swung your backpack over your shoulder and brushed yourself off, grabbing your phone to place into your back pocket. You barely acknowledged Levi's presence as you walked past him, but you were vaguely able to feel his eyes following you.

You glanced back at him.

"Later, grumpy," you said shortly before leaving and closing the door behind you, grinning to yourself as you visualized the scowl that undoubtedly appeared on Levi's face afterwards.

Levi stared at the front door that was now shut. Any lingering curiosity that he had 30 seconds ago was immediately replaced with irritation.

"Tch," he muttered to himself as he gently picked up his mug of tea. "Good riddance, brat."

~~~~~

You were wholly unprepared. 

Throughout your first two years of undergrad, you had your ex drop you off at the main quad every day, so navigating campus or even knowing the bus routes was never an issue for you. You realized once you got to the bus stop that you had zero clue as to when the next bus would arrive or if you would even get onto the right one.

You had both a maps app and the local bus app pulled up on your phone, constantly refreshing every 10-15 seconds to make sure that you're getting on the right bus. 

You eventually got onto the correct bus line, but that's where your luck ended. You had been standing on the opposite side of the street to where you were supposed to be, so you ended up getting onto a bus that went west instead of east. In your defense, the bus itself was facing east, but you had missed both the flashing sign in front of the bus that said it was the west line and the fact that this particular bus route you chose to take was one of the ones that drove in a circle around the block, which explained why it was facing a different direction once it arrived at your stop. 

You noticed that the bus was driving you further away about two stops into the ride and you immediately panicked and pulled on the wire that indicated the bus driver to stop.

You found yourself frantically pulling up the maps and bus apps again once you got off, cursing at yourself for getting lost on the first day of the semester.

You eventually gave up on trying to figure out the bus system and just ended up walking halfway across campus, trying to ignore the irritating fact that it probably would have been faster just to walk anyway. 

Although it was only by ten minutes, you were still late to class. You were able to arrive before any real discussions began, but it was still late enough that everyone would have noticed. It was a fairly small class that was seated at tables instead of a traditional lecture hall.

Luckily, it was only syllabus week, so you didn't have to worry about any assignment announcements—and you had printed out the syllabus ahead of time—but you were really embarrassed already when you walked in and saw everyone's eyes fall on you. On top of being late, you were fairly certain that you physically looked a mess from being forced to run around on campus for the past 20 minutes.

The class itself was an elective, so you weren't overly stressed about the coursework, but Paradis University was a small university at baseline and your major was even smaller. Everyone knew each other, which made this situation worse for you. On top of the blunder that made up today, everyone also knew of your struggles from the previous semester. They might not have known all the details, but nearly everyone knew that something had happened.

You made eye contact with the professor, who was side-eyeing you from walking in and disrupting his monologue. As you walked further into the room, you made eye contact with the graduate student that was TA-ing the class and gave her an awkward smile. 

Pieck nodded at you to acknowledge you before making a head motion to a table in the back, indicating that you should skip formalities and take a seat before making the professor more grumpy. Professor Magath wasn't a harsh professor by any means, but getting on an instructor's bad side from the very beginning of the semester was something that even you knew was a bad idea.

You slumped into the open seat at the table that both Petra and Oluo—another one of the few classmates that you could call a friend—sat at. You dropped your bag on the floor and had to resist the urge to bury your face in your hands.

Petra gave you an empathetic look and passed you a cup of Matcha from the nearby Starbucks that she picked up for you since she knew that you would be stressed.

You shot her a small smile as you grabbed onto the cup. Your friendship with Petra was on and off, but you at least appreciated her attention to detail whenever you were going through it. 

"It'll get easier with the more days that pass by," she whispered.

The smile fell off your face as you averted your gaze, frowning at an empty spot on the table.

Petra meant well. You knew that—but you were not in the headspace to discuss anything regarding "it" right now. You were in public and just had a rough morning.

"I don't want to talk about it, Petra," you said sternly.

At this point, it's been a little over two years since your parents passed overseas, but you were still struggling to adjust. They were there, and then they suddenly weren't. You remembered it all hitting you like a truck—with the first time being when you first got the bad news and the second time after your somewhat rocky relationship with your ex-boyfriend exploded and all of your emotional walls came crashing down. You thought you were over it, but you clearly weren't. It was more likely that you had used your relationship as a distraction from having to cope with your grief, and that once the relationship ended, you didn't have anything else to hold back all of the turmoil that had been building up inside you.

No one blamed your mental health for going down the drain towards the end of last semester, but it still resulted in unfinished classes and strained friendships. 

You sighed quietly as you tried to calm your nerves, sipping on your drink. 

You found yourself grimacing a little upon tasting the liquid that came into contact with your lips. You were perfectly content with the quality of the matcha tea latte's at Starbucks—until you had a certain barista brew it for you that apparently changed your standards out of the blue.

"You finally getting to murdering your roommate?" Oluo asked.

"I wish," you said with a scoff. "Can't afford the rent."

As you began chuckling to yourself for your snarky comment, you heard someone clear their throat from up front. 

Magath was giving you a disapproving look as he briefly paused in his speech. You were being too talkative and too noisy. 

You sipped on your drink again, turning away from your friends and towards the front in an attempt to avoid getting distracted again. However, given the fact that Magath was discussing the syllabus—which you had read the week prior—you still found yourself zoning out purely due to the lack of interesting information being spouted at you. 

The only thing running through your mind was how annoyed you were at the fact that your first day of class was already kind of a shitshow. Still, you repeated those phrases in your head that you had muttered in the morning: 

All of the problems from last year are resolved. Still have two more years to get everything done. Things will be back on track. Solid plan.

You were determined to make things go well.

By the time you zoned back into reality, class was over and everyone was packing to leave. Petra briefly patted you on the shoulder before heading out the door and Oluo briefly muttered something about being late to your meeting with him later during the day before rushing out.

You immediately began packing your own bag to leave, but you were lagging behind, and resulted in being the last one to leave.

You did another awkward smile at Magath and hoped that he didn't get too bad of a first impression from you. 

As you passed Pieck, she made eye contact with you and then spoke, which prompted you to slow down.

"I'm glad things are picking up for you again, _____," she said softly. "But Magath isn't the type to go easy on you—even if your reasoning is valid—and there are only so many strings I can pull." 

You clenched your jaw at her comment. She was right. It was only because of Pieck and the rapport she had built with the department professors that you had even passed your classes last semester. You hadn't shown up for more than a month and barely got assignments in. You knew it was only by chance that she noticed and reached out to you and it was by some weird stroke of luck that she was able to pull the strings that she did to convince Shadis to give you an incomplete last semester that you'd be able to make up in the summer. 

Although you had Magath this semester instead of Shadis, your situation was undoubtedly known to some extent by everyone in the department, given how small it was.

The more you thought about your situation, the more you felt your face heating up, and the more desperate you became to mask and hide any feelings of frustration that were rapidly approaching. You felt like your heart was jumping out of your throat and that your vision was becoming unfocused. Your hands began to feel clammy and you felt your brain begin to jump into the self-shaming thought spirals.

You really were grateful to Pieck for all the help she had provided you last semester, but you were unsure how much you'd be able to vocalize it right now without breaking down on the spot. As a result, you nodded at her, muttered a quiet thank you, and promptly left the room.

You vaguely heard her speak to you as you left.

"Just remember to reach out when you need it."

~~~~~

While it was a significant day for you with classes finally picking up again, it was a fairly normal and ordinary day for Levi. He made his morning tea, read some papers, went to lab for a few hours, and then came into his shift at the cafe in the afternoon. 

His shift was a bit busier during the late afternoon due to the undergrads beginning school and all deciding to come hang out in the cafe after classes were over, so he was more than ready for Onyankopon to come in and take over his spot at the register. 

He was currently in the awkward layover period in which Nicolo, who was working the morning shift, had already left, but before Onyankopon, who was working the closing shift, had yet to come in. The layover period was only for thirty minutes, but it was still thirty minutes too long. 

On top of having to deal with the annoying undergrads and his problematic roommate, his relationship with Hange and Erwin in lab had slightly soured. It was for no other reason that him not being in the mood to chat with either of them because of the conversation from last month. There was no bad blood or resentment, but Hange's comment regarding his disdain for the undergrads left him tilted and chatting with Erwin only ever involved his graduation progress, which was the last thing he wanted to think about at the moment.

He felt himself getting more and more frustrated and rarely found a moment in which he wasn't on edge because at this point, he literally feels like he doesn't have a safe space. Even when he's at home, he has to deal with you, even if he locks himself in his room most of the time. He couldn't catch a break no matter where he went. 

Levi was able to recognize that he was being hostile towards you and that it wasn't entirely fair, but you were also being a brat towards him. He acknowledged that he probably should have tried to compromise when you approached him two weeks ago, but your behavior since then has destroyed any lingering motivation to make your shared situation any better.

You've been nothing but petty ever since that one day in which he brushed off your attempts to get along with him. You began doing explicit "my space versus your space" behaviors, such as neatly cleaning only half the sink or kitchen or even putting a clear divide between what was yours versus what was his. One of his biggest pet peeves that you've picked up as a habit was that when you did the dishes, you only did your own dishes and left his in a neat pile, unwashed—which killed the purpose of them being stacked neatly as the dishes themselves were still filthy. 

It irked him to no end, but he also told himself that it was ultimately a good thing to keep everything separated. It would increase the chances of you moving out after the school year was over, but that was still around 10-12 months into the future, which gave him a headache to think about.

At this point, he began to wonder if maybe he cooked something that was scented a bit too strongly that made Miche mad and that was why he had to deal with you as a result of some bad karma. 

He found himself sighing in relief when Onyankopon finally walked in through the door. However, that sigh immediately turned into a groan of discontent when he saw you follow promptly behind him. Your figure was significantly smaller than his coworker, so he didn't see you until you were already in the door. 

You were completely distracted by your phone, furiously typing as you walked towards his counter. It didn't look like you did it on purpose, but he couldn't help but wonder if you were purposefully trying to irritate him when you took a seat in front of him at the counter—the same seat you had been sitting at ever since your first day stepping into the café back in June. 

Finally, you looked up and flinched upon seeing Levi, which caused him to raise an eyebrow at you in irritation.

"Shit, I forgot you work today," you grumbled.

Levi grunted, rolled his eyes, and then walked away from you to clean his tea station. 

You squinted at him as he walked away, glaring daggers into his back.

"Wonderful customer service skills as always," you grumbled as you scowled at him.

"Welcome!" a pleasant voice greeted you as you looked up and saw Onyankopon smiling at you as he walked up to the register. "I assume you and Levi know each other?"

"Unfortunately," you mumbled.

You had a shit day at school. Your following classes weren't much better compared to your first one of the day. While seeing Levi here didn't improve your mood in the slightest, you did find yourself coming into the cafe nearly every day. It was a convenient spot and had a good environment to study in—minus Levi, of course.

You eyes darted down to your phone as your screen lit up. Oluo had mentioned that he was going to be late for your planned meeting with him to set up the club you had mentioned to Petra, but he didn't mention just how late he was going to be. You were impatiently waiting for him to respond to your text about it.

"Well, what can I help you with?" Onyankopon asked.

"Matcha tea latte with coconut milk and a shot of espresso would be nice," you said with a smile. You knew that it was an unconventional combination, but you liked the taste.

"Coming right up."

"You're much more pleasant compared to Levi," you mused. "Do they pay you more?"

"They do not," Onyankopon said in an overly professional manner as he chuckled.

"Well, they should," you muttered loudly enough for Levi to hear in the back. You shot a smug grin towards him as your roommate glared at you from his station. 

If it was your goal to piss him off every time he saw you, you were succeeding.

Onyankopon took your card and walked off to enter your drink into the order intake system. 

You pulled out your laptop, opting to get some of the initial set-up done if Oluo was going to force you to wait for him. If your club wanted to operate this semester, you had to get the official paperwork in within the next two weeks. 

As you pulled up the university's student life website, you glanced up towards Onyankopon and saw that Levi handed him your drink before Onyankopon was even able to hand him the sticker indicating what you had ordered. 

As much as Levi chastised you for ordering a Matcha on your very first interaction, it seemed you had become predictable enough for him to immediately know what you were going to order every time. You wondered if you should switch it up occasionally to throw him off. The thought of it brought another smile to your face.

You sipped on it and you shut your eyes as another small smile appeared on your face. This blend was your comfort drink and was much better than the Matcha that Petra had brought you in the morning.

You didn't notice, but Levi was subtly eyeing you from the back as he restocked his station. You pissed him off to no end, but he'd be lying if he didn't at least take some satisfaction in the fact that you enjoyed his version of your comfort drink.

The door to the cafe opened again and two other undergrads walked in and sat next to you. 

Oluo walked in and sat down first, with another upperclassman one year above you that immediately followed after. Gunther had said he wasn't overly interested in being an officer, but you needed a senior representative and he was the most available, so you were able to rope him into it.

Levi was immediately reminded of that subtle discomfort you seemed to be giving off this morning when you had first come out of your room. That same tension appeared in your body posture again as you sat up more "properly" as soon as you started interacting with the two of them. It was overly professional and once again, appeared "fake". He just couldn't understand you. 

He vaguely overheard the three of you discussing the trajectory that your club was supposed to be taking. Levi scoffed to himself at the fact that a simple extracurricular was what you found yourself stressed about. You were incredibly privileged if that was the only thing you had to worry about. 

Levi did notice that although you started the conversation, it seemed more like Oluo and Gunther were leading it. Any idea that you proposed that didn't get immediate agreement from the other two was discarded. You immediately backed down on everything. You wanted an academic component since the club was supposed to be an honors society. They said no, you conceded. You wanted a stricter budget to be able to afford a bigger social outing at the end of the year. They said no, you conceded.

Everything that you said made sense, and even Levi agreed in that he would prefer the activities you mentioned over whatever garbage Oluo was proposing, such as a social for stupid things like Valentine's day or Thirsty Thursday. 

It irritated Levi even more that you didn't fight for your ideas in the slightest. You were letting both of them walk all over your club. He subtly squinted at you, watching your movements with them.

It wasn't a people pleaser thing, he could tell that much. It was more like you didn't really know how to navigate asserting your own opinions or desires, which was ironic. The person in front of him was not the person he had been coming home to every night.

Levi wasn't the type to be outwardly social, but he knew how to read people. That's how he was able to tell that this wasn't something as simple as being a people pleaser.

It was a lack of self-respect. He was able to see that even without full context over what was happening. The fact that you were different in front of him irked him even more.

He could not possibly think of a worse person to be forced to be around. 

He had hoped that he would have had a better day after leaving lab and coming in to have a mindless shift at the café, but the only thing he was feeling was his mood rapidly declining the minute you stepped into the door.

#: @levisbrat25 @gothgril69 @sckerman @berrijam @notgoodforlife @meowjaa @averysmolbear @roseofdarknessblog @bejewelledd @hhighkey @ayame236 @sad-darksoul @velouria17 @kamyru @l1zk4 @layenacreates @lamees004

[faevyn]

Birthday Reflecting

It's funny to me how we're all looking for a new social media site to go on whern Tumblr is still here, but I guess there's issues with everywhere so... yeah lol.

Yesterday was my birthday and I've had an emotional hell of a few months, almost two years, so it's hard to look forward to something. In truth I was dreading yesterday's stream because I didn't feel like I deserved to have a good time in a way. So much so I waited until nearly the last possible second to seup the goals, incentives, and was even asleep until 10 minutes before stream.

At the end of the day it was a good day. Started out hanging with friends in Discord as usual and it was nice to vibe here and there as people were able. Took a nap as I mentioned. Then went and streamed from 6-9pm which was the planned timeframe from the get go. Violet raided with the Nerd Camp and it was nice seeing a lot of familiar faces (most I saw probably a couple hours beforehand when I was modding lol).

A bunch of gifted subs happened and we ended up at 40? subs by the end of stream. It was truly wild and overwhelming to a degree but in a good way. My friends surpsied me with a BUNCH of stuff including an air humidifier (I've had a chronic nosebleed for a bit so this is gunna help), donated the rest of the funds to get the new mic I've been eying, and the accessories to go with it, and an isopod plush! After stream the friends kept hanging out, we did mount runs, and Cupcakke gifted me the Smoldering Ember Wyrm they got from the Karazhan run we did. I was also given half the cost for a new vtuber model so stayed tuned for that fun surprise.

I knew it was going to happen at some point, but I did have a good cry because missing Tisby hit real hard. She's missed her birthday, meeting her new sister, Cupcakke's birthday, and now my birthday and the colder months are coming and we have no idea if she's galavanting around or someone has taken her in or what. There's really nothing in the world I want more than to have her home.

It was nice to hit the mic goal, accessories included, because working a contact job knowing at the end of the year that goes away is terrifying and while I can get some things it's difficult to justify larger spending. I even feel a little guilty when that's spent on me and not by me.

So today, with a slice of ice cream cake and chocolate cannolis filling my tummy and my mind a ... little clearer than it was, I can be grateful to have such loving friends and a loving fiancé who worked hard to make sure I had a special day.

I have a lot to think about in general when it comes to streaming, the content I want to make now with WoW being my current focus (and ongoing for the forseeable future), and what I want to keep up with in terms of vibe and branding. It feels like every couple of years I shed a layer and then let a new outer shell grow when it comes to the brand and I hope it resonates each time with my community as much as it does for me when all's said and done.

So thank you all who made yesterday special, know I love you so much for everything you did, and to those reading this just keep a little light glowing in your brain for me today even if it seems difficult to keep it going.

[jezmmart]

Chamomile Comic Trivia #24

#125 - Speaking

This phone call is pretty much verbatim one I had at work, including incorrect shop name, incorrect town, asking for a confirmation that I was definitely not in a completely different shop in a completely different town, and that sign-off.  I was dumbfounded, but my first thought was “well, thanks for the free comic, stranger.”  It didn’t feel like substantial enough a comic on it’s own though so I decided to double-down on funny customer stuff with what came next, which I’m thankful to say, was an original exaggerated scenario on my part.

Lyndhurst is an intentional shout-out to a real, lovely little town in the New Forest area of the UK which I visited on holiday and had a lovely slice of cake and coffee in a corner tea shop that Google Maps tells me no longer exists, boo.

Layla’s box warns not to place any items on top of it, which of course the present annoying customer does.  The final quick little joke that I hoped everyone picked up on is said customer complaining that the radio plays awful music, considering, y’know, the music that comes out of a radio is at least partially the user’s own selection.

#126 - Previously

A personal little favourite one of mine.  The original joke was just “parody “Previously On...” segments in TV shows that makes it very obvious the seagull will have something to do with the comic, and then have it not show up”.  But I kept riffing on the initial non-reveal of the pigeon at the window and just got sillier and sillier to the point where I was like “is this too far for the tone of the comic?” but I was chuckling away to myself making it so much that I just decided to roll with it.

Turns out “Pizza Boys” is a real TV show - not the gritty crime drama genre that Cammie appears to be watching though, and I believe my comic predates it too, so maybe I did google it at the time and found nothing.  The pigeon at the window is a rather strange design because it is in fact the same pigeon from my 2015 24-Hour Comic Day Comic: “Nuts” (to read: Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3).  Future Cammie is using a ladder, but the window cleaner isn’t. He canonically has terrifyingly long legs.  Future Cammie’s inexplicable maid outfit comes from this End of Month Pin-Up (and popped up again for Apricot Calendar 2019).  The eyepatch, shaved haircut and trench coat just come naturally from being from the future, of course.

I remember a bunch of webcomics I grew up with in my teenage years like Dragon Tails and maybe Real Life Comics used to enjoy doing a bit of time travel stuff where they’d plan stuff out in advance so when you went back to earlier comics, there’d be background events that show those time travel plots were always destined to happen!  I have no such plans for Cammie, and as said, this comic was just the result of me having a bit of a silly, but now it’s done and part of the comic, it feels like a sort of subtle homage to those time travel plots that once seemed like a thing all webcomics ought to do sooner or later (or earlier!  dohoho time travel!!).

#127 - Unreasonable

Another one I really like.  It’s a pretty-well covered joke but I’m just happy with how my own take on it came out here.  Brianna continues to be my spirit animal here, I truly hate how christmas overshadows all other holidays towards the latter half of the year. It’s funny seeing any pre-2020 reference to the year 2020. That number fills us all with such dread now.

Hard to tell at web size but of course the advent calendar Brianna has picked up is Frogy themed:

Those penguin toys on the shelves... I have a default way of drawing penguins if I don’t put effort into them that is absolutely basically entirely the “penguin” design from “Bang on the Door”:

This brand was everywhere in the early 2000′s with a focus on stationary (”groovy chick” was probably the most popular design, you probably knew someone or two with a folder or pencil case at school/college). I love this penguin, I had that toy too.  It’s permanently overwritten what my brain thinks cartoon penguins look like. This lil’ guy just lives in my head rent free and I have to look at a picture of an actual penguin to draw them anything close to properly.

#128 - Wireless

A silly physical comedy one - I’m pretty sure it’s physically impossible to knock wireless headphones out with a hair fluff, but this is Cammie’s hair we’re talking about.  It was fun to learn how to actually draw a street drain for that close-up (as oppose to how I’ve always drawn them which is a rectangle with a load of lines down it), and Jez is always allowed a little Draw Cammie In Her Sports Bra Again, as a treat.

[More Chamomile Comic Trivia] (Above link may not work correctly on tumblr app)  

[shabo00]

The books I have read in 2022!

In the last couple years I've found a couple great new hobbies. First, gunpla, and second, actually reading books. That started with a random recommendation of The Book Of The New Sun from a friend of mine, he never even read it he just heard another friend recommend it, and that sent me on a path. 1. The Book Of The New Sun tetralogy + Urth Of The New Sun by Gene Wolfe My main obsession of last year. At this point, it might be my absolute favourite work of fantasy and sci-fi out there. Mystifying, complex, beautiful, and with one of the most captivating settings I've ever seen. A world I wish I could know everything about, but that antithetical to the entire thing. And characters that haven't left my mind in 12 months. 2. A Knight Of The Seven Kingdoms by George R.R Martin ASOIAF means the world to me. It pretty much kept me going through a very rough year in my life back in high school but I never did read these until last year. It's such a nice read, following a lovable and good knight on his misadventures through Westeros, through tournaments and conspiracies and sword fights. An amazingly comfortable read. 3. Dune to God Emperor of Dune by Frank Herbert The definitive worm odyssey. Each book really brings something different, my favourite had to be Messiah. The whole story has this undercurrent of dread, that there is something on the horizon that is beyond terrifying, that the future is inescapable. Paul is such a husk of a man, blinded and guiding the events of the story on to a dread path he can not look away from no matter how hard he tries.

4. The Dying Earth by Jack Vance The definitive dying earth story (shocking!), and a real unique thing. Deep future sci-fi dressed up like fairy tale stories almost. Wizards using technologies so old, powerful, and esoteric that it is all magics and mysteries, warrior princesses and ghoulish critters in the woods that ask riddles. Really something special, and I plan on reading more of it. 5. Moby Dick by Herman Melville Yeah this shit is the great American novel. I think it'll be a long, long time until I read anything that so joyously and quickly flies back and forth between humor and the metaphysical, yet they're one in the same here. Every bit of humor and banter among the crew has something so interesting to express, every monologue about philosophy and being is exuberant and full of playfulness. A work of art that genuinely fills me with awe.

6. Neuromancer by William Gibson Mr. Gibson wrote the first page of this book and it created, and subsequently held the cyberpunk genre captive for 40 years. Sure, everything here you have seen already, but a good story doesn't care if you've seen things like it. One of the best page turners I've read, moving at the perfect pace to keep me satisfied but always wanting to unravel more of the conspiracy. Armitage is just like me. 7. Soldier of The Mist by Gene Wolfe The story of the nicest man in all of Greece. An amnesiac mercenary in the Greco Persian war goes place to place making friends. A very pleasant story, and a very positive one. Expressing a belief in the goodness in everyone at their core, even bad men. 8. The Darkness That Comes Before by R. Scott Bakker As I discussed in a previous post, a work that feels juvenile in it's misery, that thinks sad and shitty makes for a smart story. But to be more positive this time, it has an engrossing plot. Setting up mystery upon mystery, interwoven conspiracies and gaps in knowledge that leave you wanting more. Having started it's sequel, I can say this element gets even better, but the character writing. Well. Not so much. In conclusion, a good year! I hope to get in to even more genre fiction this year.

[abbsxg]

Hey again... many, many years later

Dear Andy,

I usually get that strike of inspiration from others or influential/ impactful times of my life.

For a very long time I didn't ever see myself living past the age 21/22. Then it became 25. And now at 27 I think I'm starting to see past the age 35.

Since I've lasted wrote to you, I've been on a new kid kick. But someone called out my fear. I'm truly afraid of disappointing you or creating an environment that makes you hate me. I'm afraid of not being able to give you the life I imagine you to have with a typical nuclear family with a mom, dad, and cat. I still imagine a life where I am so in love with your dad, and he loves me just a little bit more. He and I are the "cool" parents who are just a little bit eccentric and silly. We are normal. We fight. But we work through it. We live a comfortable life where we don't struggle with money. Your grandparents are weird and silly, but they love you so much. We are a progressive family and support your growth and privacy but protect you with reason. Even though I am well into my career, I still have time for you and your dreams and passions. I am afraid of not giving you this life.

At 23, I was working through my new diagnosis. I struggled with finding support and at this point, I knew I only had one real friend and all her friends became my friends but I didn't have any for myself. I was VERY lonely. I was starting to lose myself into the unknown that is my health. By that point, I had contemplated suicide and even needed an SOS call because I couldn't stand living. And even until now my mortality is something I don't take very seriously. Maybe you could even find entries of young me talking about how I could I ever consider suicide. It's gotten better. I promise.

I was aimless until I decided during the middle of the pandemic that it's time to leave. Being stuck at home and trying to go back to school but living at home is just not sustainable. I had decided if I don't leave now, then when?

So in October 2020, I moved to Houston, TX and I had a plan to start a new grad program because the first one I started just didn't fulfill me. I dreaded class but I loved work, even though I was working from a different time zone. I moved without applying to school yet but I was banking my future on getting into this new grad program. But I felt so confident and passionate about the work.

And with a time skip, I got my Masters! I think back to impactful times in my life that I needed some guidance and clarity in my life with my undergrad degrees. I remember meeting with Dr. Tracy and she laid it out on the table: AAS or Student Affairs. She said I seem to like student affairs more but like what the hell is even student affairs? I had only wished I asked more and wasn't so stubborn about getting a masters in Asian American Studies. I realized that I am solution-oriented. I am a "fixer" I need solutions or reasons for a problem but solving the problem or question is how I thrive. Everyone has said I don't take "No" for an answer, but I really always needed "No and this is why."

My life came full circle. I visited Houston/ UH in 2017 and thought it was a beautiful campus/union. I visited their LGBTQ/WGRC office and was so inspired by the space. I didn't think I would ever end up at UH getting my Masters, much less starting my professional career in the WGRC office. I'm grateful I was able to find my calling and purpose in this life. I think you know me well enough to know that I care so fiercely. I care about making the world much better than I left it. I care about my students and my friends, and the work I do fills my soul. And maybe one day you will see the passion I have and it'll help guide you in finding yourself and your passion earlier in life. And if not, we can always work towards it.

To get into the nitty gritty of why I am here:

I am at a crossroads in my life. I am currently back home in LA after I had packed up my things after I decided to bite the bullet and come home. It wasn't an easy decision, but I wasn't happy there anymore. I am so grateful for the people I have met and I miss them a lot. But my personal life sucked. And as much as I loved the work I was doing, it wasn't paying me enough. I loved every moment of my first job. I had an amazing boss and amazing colleagues. I had a great life. But I was waiting for the next opportunity and time ran out before the next opportunity came. So I'm back home. For now.

I'm waiting on my next opportunity to come. And whether it's in Boulder or Seattle, heck even LA, the world may never know. I honestly don't know yet either.

I don't have anything profound to say, especially in times of crossroads. I'm a little lost but that's okay. I'll figure it out. Everything will work itself out. And when it does, I will let you know.

Love,

Abby at 27

[somewheresummerinherheart]

Like we didn’t mean it when we were just 20

At 20, it felt like I had to be something. Not a bigshot but at least something. A step closer to my dreams, so I began to hustle and every time I post on sns, I had these thoughts that I was doing something great and I’m maybe ahead of my time because all I saw in that moment was—I doing so much while the people around me were walking on such a slow pace.

I was too much eager that I found myself dreading already at 24, wanting to retire not just from work but from my life. The world and the life I imagined that I was building—was actually a failure I overlooked because I was too busy making myself believe that I was already something at 22.

I made my work, my life. I wasn’t present for my family emotionally and I failed to make friends. I made being burned out like a badge of honor; pretending that I am already something so big because I’m fcking tired…when in fact at 26 I never really reached something. Not one tick at the boxes I made for my goals.

Looking back, as a semi-failure (HAHA) I wished I took the time to see what’s around me. I was so busy looking ahead I wasted those years worrying what my future would look like. Guess what, I’m still worrying. But not like before. This time, I promise to make myself aware of what this present time have.

At 28, I want to tell myself that I didn’t really mean what I told myself when I was 22. But heck, at some point I did. And I can’t deprive my then self of the fact that she was just a dreamer; and failure’s just a part of becoming who she wants to be. I just wish didn’t waste my time overthinking.

There’s so much in this world than building an empire we think would fulfill our soul. And as I step closer to whatever God planned for me, I want to take a deep breath and say that I meant of wanting more for myself, my family, and the people I love.

But this time, I’ll be kinder to myself. Pause when I need, sing my heart out everytime I feel like it, cry when my heart’s already filled, throw thoughts that are unnecessary, and just breathe.

I may never be sure of what’s ahead of me and I may feel anxious at times, but never will I hate myself again for not being so sure of the future. Pause, breathe, be kind not only to other people but to myself like I mean it this time—oh, scratch that. I mean it this time.

[coralwinchester-blog]

WARNING!! LONG DEPRESSING RANT!!

I found myself at what I have determined was the lowest point of my life so far. Lower than in high school when my depression got so bad that I wanted to kill myself and almost did a couple times. It was awful back then, but I had outlets and tools to help me. At 21 years old, I no longer had a happy place to go to. I failed out of college and lost all of my passions. The relationship that I was in was drowning me in a puddle of poison. The house that I lived in felt like a prison cell that was guarded by the officer that framed me for the crime. The only place I could get away from the officer was hiding under the bed and that’s such a cramped area and impossible to stay there forever.

And then I left. I left the city. I left the state. I left my friends behind and moved on to a place I never thought I’d go. My only friend in the new city was my dog, named by my ex and I will forever be reminded of that. But he was still my support and comfort.

I found a job immediately. 7 months later, I was promoted. 8 months after that I was promoted again. It feels good to be good at something. But being good at what I do doesn’t keep the empty feeling from coming back. There’s a lot of down time at work. Time to accidentally reflect and depress myself even more. My stress acne won’t go away. No matter how often I get promoted, it’s never enough money to relieve my stress.

My dog. My friend. My baby. He’s the sweetest, but not the smartest. He swallowed a toy. He needed surgery or euthanasia. Tearfully, I turn to my mother for help. Mom, I’m not ready to let him go. I need him. With a sigh, mom allows me to use her credit card with the promise that I’ll pay back every penny, even interest. I agree. Dog gets surgery and makes a fine recovery. $3,000. I feel robbed blind, but at least my baby is alive. No more toys for him. Six months later, he gets into the trash and swallows something else he can’t pass. Reluctantly mom allows me to use her card again. Another $3,000. Dad is angry that I would spend so much on a dog. I am yet again relieved that my best friend is still alive.

I am privileged. I live with my parents at a discounted rate. I have friends in the new city too, along with some friends in other cities. The internet is great for that. I have acquired the title and pay of “supervisor” at work. My life looks great. Like I’m on my way to living a successful life. I was able to take two different trips, each to see different friends in different cities. People are jealous. And those times are great, but the feelings that the moments bring are temporary. I go back to my regular life and the emptiness starts again. I shouldn’t say that. It never left. It was just covered by serotonin. I can admit my privilege, but I cannot feel it.

Dad is an alcoholic. He is sober again for now. Mom is afraid that his addiction will be passed down. Alcohol makes my tummy hurt if I drink too much. But it has been passed down. Alcohol just isn’t my drug of choice. Some may assume that it’s sugar, because I’m fat. While that may also be the case, it’s not what I got from my dad. I smoke marijuana every night that I can. It’s the best sleep of my life. It’s also the best orgasm, but I won’t talk about that. I joke about being a stoner, but I also feel dread inside. I’m no better than dad. Of course, I always stay safe. I never smoke when I have to work or drive. I really am sober most of the day. But when night comes, I take a 10mg gummy and smoke until my head spins. I love that feeling. But that love is what fills me with dread, knowing I’m just like my father.

All of this has taken place in the time span of less than 2 years. I still feel lost. I don’t know what my future holds and it’s painful knowing that I cannot plan that far ahead. I don’t know what I can do in life to get rid of the emptiness. Is this just what life is? Living with the empty feeling forever because your dreams will never be achieved? It feels like everything I do is working toward nothing. I am afraid that I’ll never be able to commit. I am still paying off the $2700 engagement ring that I picked out. He promised he would help pay for it, we just had to use my credit because his was terrible. Now I still have the ring, the debt, and the regret. I was the one who broke things off, and yet I am still the one full of resentment. I tell people I haven’t dated anyone because my standards are higher. I don’t want anyone remotely like him. But really, I’m just terrified. The one time I had sex after him, I was drunk and it was disastrous. Im afraid to let anyone see my body anymore. Im afraid to let anyone know who I am anymore. Im afraid of the internal disgust that I convince myself they feel when they see me. I am only 22. I know I have time. But I don’t know how else to heal from this besides be brave and just do it. I always convince myself not to, though.

If you got this far, I’m sorry, you definitely should have scrolled. But thank you for taking the time to listen. It feels like the notes app on my phone is a terrible listener lately. And I don’t want to say all of this to my best friend. They have enough to worry about.

In case anyone did read this, I want to ensure you that I am okay. I know this post is scary and depressive, but writing is the best way to lighten the load that I carry. I am okay.

[ruminativerabbi]

The Simchat Torah War - One Week In

I was a college senior in 1973 when the Yom Kippur War broke out and I can remember all too well the shock and dismay that permeated not only the big Jewish world out there but also my own synagogue community and my own circle of family and friends as the first terrible days of the war unfolded on our television screens. But as the tide turned quickly and it became increasingly clear that Israel would yet again vanquish its enemies, that dread lifted and was replaced—and replaced easily—by my customary confidence in the future, by my faith in God’s watchful and protective guardianship of the people Israel, and by my certainty that, in the end, good always wins out over evil. If I had been temporarily uncertain, my trust in the future snapped back into place almost instantly.

I was busy preparing myself that fall for the entry exams you had to pass back in the day to be admitted to rabbinical school at JTS. And my studies in the course of the  rest of the year only appeared to support that trust that sprung up so automatically for me once the tide turned and Israel’s victory seemed certain. Indeed, the more I read to prepare for my exams, the more certain I became that the course of the war had merely mirrored the larger course of Jewish history. Yes, we’ve known nights of unimaginable sadness. But then dawn breaks and the sky is filled again with light. The tide ebbs, but soon flows back. A remnant always survives, always returns, always re-asserts its right to chart the destiny of the Jewish people into the subsequent generation. My father’s joke about the difference between a Jewish optimist and a Jewish pessimist—the Jewish pessimist says, “Oy, things couldn’t get any worse,” to which the Jewish optimist responds, “Of course, they can. And will!”—seemed funny to me precisely because it so little mirrored how I perceived things really to be. The arc of Jewish history, I felt certain, always bends towards survival.

I have begun this letter a dozen different times. My original plan was to recount my memories of the Yom Kippur War in even more detail and then to assure you all that just as our enemies were vanquished then, so will they also be beaten now. I know everybody wants to hear that. And mostly I do write today to tell you all that—and not because it’s my personal job to cheer people up, but because that conviction regarding the inviolate destiny of Israel is too much a part of who I am to dissolve in even seriously bad news. I am, as always, a man of faith devoted both professionally and emotionally to the cultivation in others of the confidence in the destiny of the Jewish people that is so foundational to my own worldview and so much a part of who I am.

But this has been beyond challenging for me, this whole detour into hell that we have all been experiencing over this last week. I suppose part of that has to do with the degree to which the terrorists have somehow turned in my mind from merely violent thugs motivated by raged-based frustration into latter-day Nazis. And, indeed, the images and stories that have come out from the events of this last week would earlier on have been familiar to me only as the stuff of Shoah memoirs. But these stories, all verified and clearly true, are not made-up or embellished. And the first-hand accounts I’ve read—that we’ve all read—of young women being raped, of old people being dragged from their homes and killed, of babies being slaughtered, of young people at a desert concert being shot by the hundreds at point-blank range—these cannot be decried as mere crimes or acts of brutality. Nor do I see a way to explain any of this even as extreme political activism. After the events of last weekend, the enemy has surely lost all pretense merely to be acting forcefully to improve the lots of Gazans as the soldiers of Hamas takes their place in the history of the world as true monsters who have done their worst to destroy the Jewish people. Yes, I am more than aware that the Nazis were eventually vanquished, that they lost the war, that at least some Jewish people did end up surviving in every single country the Nazis occupied. I know all that. And yet I feel myself seized by a sense of dread that I am not quite sure how to justify or even explain.

Yes, the support that Israel has received—and especially from some unexpected quarters (including especially in Europe)—has been heartening. Even the New York Times managed to publish an editorial that was far more supportive of Israel than that newspaper has been in a very long time. President Biden’s and Secretary of State Blinken’s unequivocal statements of support meant a lot to me, as I’m sure it also did to all of you. (On the other hand, underlying all that heartening rhetoric is the certainty that, in the end, no amount of supportive rhetoric will mean anything if it is not accompanied by an equally solid commitment to deny Iran entry into the nuclear club.) Still, both the President and the Secretary of State did say the right thing and I have to give them credit for that. So did a lot of people—say the right thing in the course of this last week, I mean—but the real test, of course, will be to see if those lovely words are followed by action or not.

So that’s where I’ve been for most of this last week: buoyed by confidence and seized with dread, riven and subdivided like an actor impossibly hired to play two different roles on the same stage at the same time. (There’s a reason they don’t save money on Broadway by doing that: because it can’t actually be done.) But, in the end, I have to let what I know about Jewish history guide me forward.

I wish I could promise you all that this will somehow end well. I actually do think that, of course. But I also know that the journey from here to there is going to be long, painful, and beyond arduous. Our friends and family in Israel are mostly too old even for reserve duty, but their children and grandchildren—other than the ones who are actually in the middle of their military service—have more or less all been called up. I’ve been speaking to friends and family all week, and the message I’ve heard over and over has been more or less the same one: yihyeh tov, things will work out…but the journey from here to there is going to be grueling and challenging. And so, in the end, that is my message for all of you as well. Yihyeh tov.  This will end with a total defeat of Hamas, with the annihilation of its stores of menacing weaponry, with the restoration of Gaza to the actual people who live there and many of whom (click here) would be thrilled to live in peace with Israel and to prosper and thrive as their neighbors’ neighbors. The Saudis will eventually joint the Abraham Accords. The Palestinians will eventually realize that they can have their own state as soon as they are signal their right to nationhood by signaling their readiness make peace with making peace with the people next door. Hamas will join the Crusaders and the Cossacks and the Nazis in the dustbin of history. And the same God who makes peace on high will bless the world with peace as well.

And our job, as ever, is to remain staunch and steadfast in our support for the State of Israel. I can’t stress enough how important it is to write to the President and the people who represent us in Congress in support of Israel.  (Click here for guidance.) We need to give as much as we can manage to the charities that support the soldiers of the IDF and the civilian population of Israel. Most of all, we need to find the courage to reconstitute our riven selves into single-minded individuals possessed of faith in the future and confidence in the IDF. As I wrote above, I feel that riven-ness too, that uncertainty, that ill ease that we’re all feeling. But I plan to devote myself in these coming days and weeks to shucking it off, to re-integrating what I believe and what I know and what I hope to create the fully confident Jewish soul that I know myself capable of becoming, the one that is reflective of the truest me there is. The task in front of us all is a daunting one. I myself am on that journey as well. But if we travel together, we’ll at least have each other for company. And we’ll surely reach our destination with our faith and our trust intact.

[the-daily-scrommit]

January 15, 2023

Jan 15, 2023 - Eleventh entry

Today was a good day. It didn't feel like a good day, but it was. Today was productive and a representation of my healing with everything I did. I made it to work fine, though tired, and got through the day like it was no problem. I took time for myself after to rest before leaving to do more work at a friend's house for my own personal adulting adventures. Said friend and I then went to the gym and I pushed myself enough to feel fulfilled but not enough to cause myself unnecessary strain or harm.

I made plans with a new friend for tomorrow. This will be interesting, because this is someone I've interacted with so few times, yet still continuously considers me a friend. Tomorrow will be our first time interacting alone, away from the mutuals who originally brought the two of us together; I expect the interaction to be nothing less than pleasant.

I've thought about my ex-partner so little today; they are slowly fading from my mind in a way where they have so little control over me now. I miss them from time to time, yes, and a part of me does still want to date them again (and probably always will have that desire), sure, but they no longer rule my every waking thought. I haven't cried over them in days, haven't felt unbearable amounts of jealousy, or even felt the desire to respond to their text from last night. I don't know if I'll ever respond to that text in particular. Not that it was bad in any way; in fact it was a nice text to receive. Unfortunately, this text from them doesn't feel worthy enough of a response from me. If I had responded, there would be the possibility of my response being taken as an argument, though that wouldn't have been my intention. Of course, had I responded, that may not have happened anyway. Either way, what I would have sent them in return wouldn't have been much, and sending that text would have felt like a waste of breath.

These last few days, I've become very comfortable with the idea that my ex-partner and I may never actually be friends after all of this. That seems unlikely, from both perspectives the last time I checked, but still certainly possible. My ex-partner is someone I would love to keep in my life in whatever way I am able to, but I know that right now, they have more unlearning to do before they can feel comfortable being a friend to me. While my methods have led me down a different path in my healing and moving on, I understand where they are coming from and why they feel the need to process and proceed the way they are.

Until they show me that they are ready for a friendship with me, I don't feel much of a need to reach out to them. This is certainly something greatly influenced by the users on r/breakup preaching about non-contact, but maybe these people have a point. The last few days, I haven't been filled with dread over them not talking to me or anxiety trying to fight off my desire to talk with them. It took me a bit to get to that point, sure, but I'm there now. They are not my friend right now. They have no obligation to respond to me, just as I have no obligation to respond to them. I am here if, or when, they are ready to reconnect as friends, and I will have their back, friendship or not. This is in their hands now, and I have given up my control.

So much is looking up for me now. I'm taking better care of myself: eating more, talking with more friends, talking more gently and casually with my support system, feeling less of a need to rely on my support system, feeling more artistic again, and so much more. I'm looking forward to wherever this leads me in the near or far future.

Until next time friends, goodnight and take care; I am sending you love <3

[gatheringbones]

["At the end of August in 1981, I found myself in a small town in Arkansas, where I knew no Lesbians other than my new lover, Lynn. I wanted it that way. We were living in hiding from my armed and vengeful ex-lover who had abused me for four years and had threatened both of us with deadly harm. This was five years before the publication of Kerry Lobel's ground-breaking book, Naming the Violence: Speaking Out About Lesbian Battering. I knew I had been battered, but I did not understand how deeply I had been injured.

I only knew that I seemed to have saved my life at the cost of my sanity. I jumped at loud and not-so-loud noises. A frown from a stranger could reduce me to tears. I was afraid to bathe if I was alone in the apartment. I relived every word of every fight in relentless flashbacks. I had blocked much of the unbearable pain of the previous four years out of my consciousness at the time, in order to cope with immediate danger. Now that I was "safe" it all came flooding back. To escape, I watched TV compulsively, avoiding anything violent—nature shows were my favorites—and I read science fiction. Having lost faith in women as well as men, I was a serious candidate for a species-change operation.

Luckily, at some point in that bleak winter, I read a magazine article on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) in Vietnam Vets, and I recognized all my symptoms. I had a name for my suffering, and 1 knew I was not "crazy." I'd felt so much guilt and anger towards myself for not being okay, that is, my old self, since I was "free." Now I knew healing would take time and effort, and I gave myself permission to not be normal right away. Also, seeing how much my condition resembled that of war survivors helped break down some of my denial about the hell I'd been through.

Still, I had no guidance on how to recover from PTSD. I followed only the dimmest instincts. First, I began to read accounts by survivors of any serious trauma. These people became my invisible support group. I found myself drawn especially to stories of political prisoners and concentration camp survivors. Although my experience was not like theirs, these were the people I felt would understand how my will had been sapped and my strengths twisted, how the smallest acts of resistance and mere endurance had needed all my wits and courage. Bruno Bettleheim in his chapters called "Behavior in Extreme Situations" (The Informed Heart) finally answered the question I'd put to myself every 44 hour since my escape: "How could I have been so stupid?" He made me realize that under abuse, especially the combination of intermittent threats, unpredictable violence and constant psychological torture, everyone responds differently, but everyone changes fundamentally, and everyone has their breaking point.

One day as I sat reading at the kitchen table, I looked out the window at the small yard beside our duplex apartment, and I began to imagine growing a garden there in the spring. It seemed like a highly improbable idea: the area was very small, steep, bare of everything but gray shale and orange clay, and the house shaded it part of the day. But the notion of a garden took root strongly. For the first time in several years I had something pleasant to anticipate.

I wrangled my landlady's permission to put in a garden. Then I mailed off postcards for seed catalogs. I persuaded an acquaintance who owned a truck to bring me a load of cedar slabs discarded by a local sawmill, and I used these to construct two frames, about four feet by six feet, and two even smaller ones, just three feet by four feet. By this time Lynn and I had saved enough money to buy a very old VW bug, so we drove to a nearby creekbank and filled bushel baskets with rich bottom dirt, which we dumped into the frames to make raised beds about four inches deep.

To supplement the tiny growing space, Lynn scavenged large cans from the cafeteria of the hospital where she worked. I painted them a hopeful green, filled them with soil and placed them along the sidewalk below our porch. Old-timey "Corn-row Beans," originally bred to tolerate the shade of cornfields, grew up strings tied to the roof and bore prolifically.

I didn't have much money from my SSI income to spend on garden gadgets, so I made do. I wove a trellis for my peas from six-pack rings liberated from a liquor store trash bin. (I can testify that this plastic never biodegrades—the pea fence survives to this day.) I got some more bushel baskets from the local grocery, painted them with non-toxic preservative and lined them with garbage bags after snipping a few drainage holes in the bottom. Placed around a small stone patio above the garden, these became containers for large plants.

The garden rewarded me before the first mouthful of early spinach was harvested. It moved me out of the gloomy apartment and into the sunshine, watering can in hand. It motivated me to interact with people and to occasionally risk asking for help. I found out they would usually say yes. My attention was now focused on the future, not the bitter, unchangeable past. At night when the flashbacks threatened to roll, when I dreaded the dreams I might have, I put myself to sleep with 45 detailed plans of my next crop rotation. I found out I could learn a major new skill, a little at a time. I could do things right, even come up with ingenious solutions to seemingly impossible difficulties. And when I did things wrong, plants were most often forgiving. The plants themselves were a tremendous source of inspiration. Talk about survivors! They defied every book written about their needs, often thriving with too little sun, too little water, and too little soil. At the end of a year, I could easily stick my shovel in the dirt up to the hilt, where only four inches of top soil had previously existed; compost and the action of the roots had created friable loam out of shale and clay.

When I experienced failure with gardening, it was never the kind of disaster I'd grown to associate with mistakes. We didn't go hungry, because other crops outstripped our expectations. My lover didn't beat or berate me, but sympathized and helped. The garden was important to us economically, because we'd both lost almost everything we owned in our escape. Luckily, in southern Arkansas, it's possible to garden yearround. The garden gave me precious, desperately needed tastes of success. Disabled, unemployed, I still felt like an important contributor to the household. I even had food to give away sometimes, and that was a delicious feeling.

Gardening was not the only factor in my recovery, but it was an important one. I didn't grow up with abuse, but battering and similar traumas can expand minutes into hours, years into decades, until four years feel like most of a lifetime. At the end of a year and a half of gardening, I no longer felt as if I'd spent the majority of my life in a battering situation. Healing had acquired a new definition for me: I didn't insist on having the old me back; I'd mourned her long and well. I accepted the fact that some injuries are too severe to be made whole, that I might never be the same again. But I began to actually like and trust the me I am now, scars and all. As my garden taught me, I must make do with what I am. I have discovered that my flaws are not fatal and my successes are greater than I'd hoped for. So far I have not gone hungry, and I even have something to offer."]

Amy Edgington, Gaining Ground, from Garden Variety Dykes: Lesbian Traditions In Gardening, Herbooks, 1994

[superbadassnatural]

Anything for You

Summary: Y/N got the answer she dreaded. Her heart was broken by a man who didn’t deserve her. The only solace she could find was the arms of her best friend. Square filled: Heartbreak Pairing: OMC x Reader // Dean x Reader Word count: 1,704 Warnings: cheating, angst, lil bit of fluff, Dean’s a cutie pie A/N: I’m back after what feels like forever! This was written for the amazing @supernatural-jackles​ Tell me a Story Bingo! Hope y’all enjoy!

(x)

“I’m only gonna ask you this once.” You searched for his brown eyes, forcing him to look at you. “Did you sleep with Lindsey?”

Your heart banged against your ribcage; pulse thumped in your ears.

Alex’s jaw ticked. There was nowhere he could go. He couldn’t run out of your bedroom and pretend nothing happened. He would have to face you eventually. He also couldn’t lie. If he did, it would haunt him. In the back of his mind, he knew it wasn’t worth lying. Even if you didn’t forgive him, he had nothing to lose. He ran his inked hand through his jet black hair, blowing out a breath.

“Yes.” He averted his gaze.

“Nu-uh” —you shook your head, trying to keep your voice from trembling— “Don’t be a coward. You certainly weren’t one when you fucked her. Now look me in the eye and tell me.”

“I slept with Lindsey,” he said, eyes locked in yours, voice void of emotion. “Happy now?”

“‘Happy now?’” you scoffed. “Are you serious? At least try to pretend you’re sorry.”

“Well, I am sorry. But I don’t expect you to forgive me.”

Your hands trembled as they balled into fists. You looked up, blinking away your tears. You wouldn’t cry in front of him. He didn’t deserve a single tear from you. You could cry once he’d left your house. Not now.

“Why?” your voice wavered. “Just tell me, why would you sleep with her and waste our relationship over one night?”

“I was drunk.”

“Cut the bullshit,” you snarled. “You were drunk, not unconscious. You knew what you were doing. It’s not like you thought she was me, ‘cause we certainly don’t look alike. Not ever our skin color is the same. Let alone our personalities. And it’s not like you tripped and fell naked into her bed.”

“I was drunk, and it clouded my better judgment.”

“Did it happen before?”

“No.”

“Was she the only one?”

“Yes.”

“God, you’re so stupid,” you scoffed with a shook of your head. “We’ve been together for four years. Four fucking years. You decided to waste all that in one night. You took our plans, our promises, our future and threw all of it in the trash.”

“I’m sorry. I really am.”

“Fuck you.” A snarl left your lips.

“I know I screwed up. You deserved a whole lot better than that. But couldn’t you see we were burning out?”

You glowered, eyes snapping at him. “Don’t you dare try to find any excuse for your mistake.”

“I hope one day you can forgive me.”

His eyes cast down, face ridden with shame.

“Do you regret it?” your voice trembled.

Alex remained silent. He wouldn’t meet your gaze. He didn’t move. He only took shallow breaths, chest barely rising and falling.

“Do you regret it?” You already knew the answer to your question. Yet the masochist in you had to hear him say it. You needed him to voice it, or else you would forgive him too easily.

“No.” His voice was as loud as a whisper.

“You’re gonna regret it eventually,” you said matter of factly. “Maybe not today, not tomorrow. Maybe not even next week. But you are going to regret it. One day you're gonna wake up and realize the one person who was loyal to you and loved you with their whole being is gone. Then you’re gonna be miserable. That’s when you regret it. When you realize how pathetic and heartless you are.”

He stood there silent. There wasn’t much he could say. He didn’t want to prolong this relationship. It was pointless to try and justify his actions or beg for forgiveness.

Pointing towards the door of your bedroom, you said through gritted teeth. “Get out of my house.”

Alex didn’t fight. He strode out of your room and down the stairs with nothing but a frustrated sigh and zingering eyes. The front door slammed shut. A thud echoed within the walls.

Your knees trembled before giving out and hitting the floor. A sharp pain coursed through your chest. You gasped, breaths shallow and rapid.

“Oh, my god.”

Tugging at the fabric of your shirt over your heart, you allowed a burning tear to fall. It hurt everywhere. Small needles pierced through your chest so deep. You could barely breathe as more tears rolled. Alex had plunged a keen knife into your aching heart and twisted as he watched it bleed.

Tears burned down your cheeks as your heart twitched and clamped within your ribcage. You sobbed, one hand latched on your chest and the other on your stomach. All you could see was the look on his face every time you closed your eyes. Not an ounce of remorse.

But couldn’t you see we were burning out?

His words echoed in your head and splintered your heart. The ache was almost unbearable.

The loud purr of the Impala sounded through the open window of your bedroom before getting cut. Dean was home.

You didn’t want him seeing you like this. Your hand came up to cup your mouth and muffle your sobs. You stared at the open door, trying to get your legs to stand so you could shut it.

“I’m home, and I brought ice cream,” Dean announced, followed by the thud of the front door shutting.

Your mouth opened, but no word came out. You prayed Dean, your roommate and best friend, would go straight to his room. But that wasn’t likely. He’d probably seen your car parked in the driveway, and he was going to check on you.

“Y/N/N? You home?”

More tears were shed. Logger boots sounded heavy on the stairs. Bowing and shaking your head, you closed your eyes tight. Opening them, you found Dean standing on the threshold. He heaved a deep sigh. The edge of his eyes softened as his lips pursed. He knew this moment would come eventually. He only hoped you wouldn’t be the one getting hurt.

You opened your mouth several times, but no sound came out, your throat sore, the ache too much to handle. Dean walked into the room. Green eyes fixated on you, he held out his hand. You shook your head, teeth scraping your bottom lip.

“I can’t,” you said, voice hoarse.

“C’mon, sweetheart,” he pleaded. “Take my hand.”

Hesitant, you took it, and he helped you to stand. Dean tucked his arm under your legs, and the other supported your back as he held you to his chest. You wrapped your arms around his neck, sobbing. He sat on your bed, back rested on the headboard, with you on his lap.

“I’m sorry.” He kissed your temple, his fingers running up and down your arm. “He’s an ass.”

You shook your head. “It’s my fault.”

“No, it’s not, sweetheart.”

“You don’t even know what happened.”

“I don’t. But I do know it’s not your fault.”

Dean leaned to meet your eyes, but you nuzzled into his chest, hiding from his gaze.

“Tell me what happened.”

“He cheated.”

His heart quickened, thudding against your ear. Dean drew a deep breath as his jaw ticked, nostrils flaring.

“Son of a bitch.”

“It’s not his fault. I-I let him.”

“No, sweetheart. It’s not your fault. It’s his.”

“He asked me to come to his friend’s party, and I said I had to study. If I’d been there, he wouldn’t have slept with Lindsey.”

“No, baby. He would’ve waited for you to go home or get distracted, only then he would leave to get his dick wet. He was going to cheat whether you were there or not.”

“Dean-“ you sobbed. The fabric of his shirt was wet with tears and snot.

“You did nothing wrong.” He lifted your chin; bloodshot eyes met forest greens. “He didn’t deserve you or your heart. And I know that doesn’t make it hurt any less, but try to get that through that pretty head of yours.”

You gave him a single nod.

God, how Dean wished you’d look at him differently. He could give you the love you deserve. He could make you the most adored woman to ever walk on earth. All he needed was for you to give him a chance. He could try and heal all the damage that was left. He would kiss your tears away and hold you until your heart was glued back together. He just needed you to say the word.

For now, he was going to hold you and pick all the shattered, tiny pieces of your heart. Once the tears had dried, he was going to help you place them together.

“He had my whole heart, and he broke it either way,” you sniffled.

“I promise you I’m gonna help you put it together after I go kick his ass.”

“Thank you.”

He kissed the top of your head. “Anything for you, sweetheart.”

“You wanna know what’s the worst part?” Your voice was strangled. It hurt your throat to speak. Dean hummed, his hold on you tightening. “He wasn’t mad at what he did. He was mad because I found out.”

“He’s gonna get what he deserves, sweetheart,” Dean promised. “And remember, Alex was never worthy of you nor an ounce of your love. You’re better off without him.”

Nuzzling into his chest, you focused on his scent and his words. Dean was the best friend you could’ve ever asked for.

“No, please,” you protested, grabbing his wrist when he placed you on the bed by his side and attempted to stand up. “Don’t leave me.”

“I’m not leaving.” He kissed your forehead. “I’m gonna get us the ice cream I bought, I’ll be right back. Why don’t you turn on the tv? We could watch Modern Family. That episode we love. The one they sing ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’.”

Your face lightened up slightly, eyes shining and this time it wasn’t because of new tears breeding.  

“Lake Life!”

“That’s the one.” Dean smiled. “I’ll be right back.”

You watched as he started to walk out of your room to head to the kitchen. When he reached the door, you called.

“Dean?”

He turned. “Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

“Anything for you, sweetheart.”

What did you think of this one? Please, consider sharing your thoughts with me via reply, reblog or ask!

Forevers: @hobby27 @thewinchesterandreidwhore @tatted-trina6 @doozywoozy @mogaruke @babypink224221 @leah-winchester6-blog-blog @deascheck @sexyvixen7 @supernaturalharry @onethirstyunicorn @maliburenee @DrakeLover78 @malindacath

Dean’s Sweethearts: @maya-craziness @akshi8278 @trend90s @witch-of-letters @weepingwillowphoenix @danneelsmain @mrspeacem1nusone @percywinchester27 @misfit0118 @siospins2 @sexyvixen7 @stixnstripesworld @supernaturalharry

[sunflowerbecca]

knocked out ✰ jj maybank

summary: when your adventure to find the cross on the ship goes wrong jj panics when he realizes he might lose you and the future that you planned together may never actually follow through

requested: yes/no

"maybe a hurt/comfort jj imagine where reader is a pogue and she’s dating jj and always have been in the group and he always gets insecure about her dating him because she’s kinda like a kiara but pogue version or like pope, she’s really smart and all that but obv p4l and maybeeeee they fight and reader says smth like “you’re gonna push everyone away to the point you can’t even apologize anymore” and it comes to bite jj in the ass becaude instead of jj being knocked out and knocked out of the boat and kiara saves him, it’s the reader and jj saves her and he’s freaking out because he didn’t want his last words to be mean because he loves his girl??? 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 or you could make an imagine of like instances jj has protected the reader and where she protected him and then the fight happens and then the boat thing idk so it’s small instances of fluff and comfort but bam! reader gets knocked out into the water and that’s what really made jj be with the reader foreverrrrr"

notes: i’m actually quite proud of this one, and it’s longer than what i normally write so that’s cool.

warnings: blood, you almost drown, fighting, i’m not sure what else

"Okay let's go." John B says as he begins to crawl his way out of the shipping container, "Pope grab my feet."

The called upon boy reaches forward to grab John B's feet but ultimately misses, resulting in the boy quickly sliding out toward the ground below.

"Oh! Jesus!"

Quickly Pope and Kie shuffle out of the container behind him and on to the deck of the ship, their voices can slightly be heard for a moment inside the container before they fade away.

You and JJ are stuck inside, waiting for the three to get back. He sits on the floor with his back resting against the wall and his feet out in front of him. You remain standing across from him leaning just below the grate to the outside.

"Y'know what I want to do after this?" JJ asks as he looks up at you.

"What?"

"I want us to go on a surf trip. Just you and me, living it up on our own. We could have everything we want for once."

"That sounds nice." You smile, the thought of a future together with JJ after this crazy adventure would be a dream come true.

"We could just live on the water, have our own shack, surf, cook fish that we catch ourselves, it would be great."

"Have you thought about this before?"

"Oh yeah." JJ affirms, "It's just that now, it could actually become a reality since we should actually have money for once."

This statement causes you to laugh yet you feel an ounce of dread, knowing that he's right. Both of you have never had much extra cash lying around but the thought of an actual fulfilling future fills you with joy. Together you both spend a moment thinking before you hear Pope's voice at the grate.

"Hey! Hey, open it." He whispers, knocking slightly.

"Here." Quickly you reach up and pull it down holding it in your arms.

"Thank god."

"You need help?"

"I'm good."

"Okay, put the grate back on." JJ instructs before John B interrupts, "No wait, hold it."

"What, no! Put it back!" All of a sudden a new face pops up, an unfamiliar girl begins to pull herself inside the container as Pope reaches out to help.

"Jesus Christ, I kill you John B!" She says after she's successfully inside.

"Who is this?" You question, not impressed by the new member showing up in the middle of your heist.

"Relax okay, I said I had a surprise."

"What's going on?”

"This is Cleo, from the Bahamas. Y'know the one that saved us and all? She's going to help." He explains.

"Next time ask me first." Cleo replies before continuing, "You all really thought you could hijack this tramp steamer on your own with no weapons? Do you have any idea what these people would do if they catch you? They'll kill you, dead, and cut off your fingers."

You and JJ share a confused look before being drawn back into the conversation from Kie.

"Do we wait until we go to port, do we run? What's the plan?"

"We can't do that."

"Why not?"

"I've run this scenario a thousand times and are best chances are here, on this ship. There’s 15 crew members and 5 of us, those are our best odds without getting trapped. This leaves us with a chance." Pope explains to the group.

"Some chance." You mutter, kicking your foot at the ground.

"Hey guys?" John B starts looking towards everyone with an unreadable expression, "Ward's alive."

"What?" You all question, everyone talking over one another.

"You gotta be kidding me!"

"Are you serious?"

"It was a setup, the boat, the confession. It was all to clear Rafe's name. He used the druthers because of the scuba onboard."

"Great. He's alive, he has the gold, and the cross, and Sarah. So he gets away with it all again!" JJ throws his hands up feeling defeated.

"We can't let him get away with this again." You say looking around at your friends. The group that you have grown so close too. You know exactly who they are, and that they aren’t going to give up now. Not when you all are so close.

"You're right, we can't let him get away again. We need the win." Pope agrees. Affirmations ring out from the rest of the group as you begin to discuss the plan.

After the plan is coordinated you split up, everyone going separate ways. Pope and Cleo to the bridge, John B and Kie to find Sarah, and you and JJ to lock everyone in the hull.

Getting everyone into the forward hull of the ship and locking the doors was pretty easy overall. No one put up too much of a fight. This resulted in you both quickly moving around on the boat, trying to find the others. Turning a corner at the back of the ship you come face to face with the captain who has escaped from his bindings.

"Of course," The captain says, "there's more of you. Get down on your knees!"

"Yeah, that's not going to happen." You say before rushing towards him.

"Go go go!" JJ echoes, pushing the man towards the wall. The captain angrily swings his arm, revealing a machete, towards you both but misses. You grab his arm and shove him into the wall as JJ punches him. Opening the door to some sort of electrical wiring you slam it into the man, hitting him hard enough in the face to knock him to the floor.

"Where's John B?" You question, "John B!"

You quickly turn around and find yourself dodging one of the mans swings. Your momentum causes you to fall back against the edge of the boat. The man uses this as a free moment to turn to go after JJ but you jump on him from behind. He evades your grip before going after JJ with the machete once more, JJ is able to successfully duck but the mans arm continues around. The blunt end of the knife makes contact with your temple almost instantly rendering you unconscious as you collapse.

Your body hits the edge before flipping over the railing, plunging you into the churning ocean below. JJ turns and angrily kicks the man in the chest as the captain finally falls useless to the ground. The boy is filled with panic and his chest heaves as he realizes the danger of what just occurred.

JJ abandons the captain laying on the deck of the ship, quickly moving to the railing. He screams your name as his eyes desperately search to see you down below before he notices your body floating face down, mere feet from the side of the boat. Grasping tight onto the cool metal bars he places one foot on top before pushing himself over. The boy falls fast before colliding with the cold water. His work boots instantly start weighing him down but he doesn't waste any time as he swims over to you.

Once he reaches your body he quickly pulls you close and flips you over, resting your head on his shoulder. Blood begins to seep down your face from your wound, worryingly staining the water red around you both.

"Hey, hey! Come on! Wake up! Please!" JJ cries out as he struggles to hold both himself and you above the water.

"I need you, please! I'm sorry!" He keeps talking, trying to reassure himself that help is coming and that this isn't the end.

"Look John B's coming, okay? They're coming! You're gonna be fine. Just please stay with me!"

The sound of a small boat motor can be heard, his friends voices finally reach his ears. Small waves from the approaching dingy make it harder to stay afloat but John B and Pope move quickly to help pull you in safely. Kiara and Sarah move to help JJ as you are propped up against the side of the raft.

John B begins to move the boat once more, pushing the straining motor as fast as it can go. There's background noise echoing from Rafe and other crew members trying to hold the cross up, yet the motor on the dingy quickly drowns it out.

It sputters loudly as it instantly seems to stop, leaving the group stranded in the water.

"No no no, hey what's happening?" Kie asks worriedly.

"We're stalling out!" John B responds, moving closer to the back of the boat to look at the engine. Many voices talk over each other as they try to figure out the problem.

"We're sitting ducks!"

"Come on man!"

"We gotta go!"

"I'm trying, forward or backward?"

"Come on, come on. Hurry!" Throughout all this commotion JJ stays focused on you, shaking your shoulders in an attempt to wake you up.

"Please wake up!" The boy cries out. Then the engine makes a small noise before roaring back to life, pushing them forwards once again. With one small victory underway the group turns to your unconscious body. They all are talking, wishing for you to wake up and respond when suddenly your eyes flicker. JJ holds his breath, watching, waiting.

You begin to cough up water, hacking and spitting out the freezing water as it exits your lungs. It stings your nose and throat and you feel as through you can't breath.

"Yeah, cough it out!"

"Get it out, come on!"

JJ reaches forwards to help hold you up on your side, patting your back. Eventually the coughing dies down, leaving you still except for an occasional noise from your chest or a twitch in your limbs.

"No CPR needed, huh?" John B says while slightly laughing. This causes the entire group to snicker as they continue to look at you. Your eyes wander before landing on JJ as he stares back with worry in his eyes.

"Hi." He mumbles as his eyes well up with tears.

"What?" You croak out with your hoarse throat. This causes more laughs once again.

Eventually the group calms down and you continue moving towards your unknown destination. You remain in JJ's arms, his head resting on your shoulder.

"I don't know what I would do if I lost you. I'm so glad you're okay. I love you, so much." The boy says in your ear. A smile forms on your face as you turn to look up at him.

With your still slightly stinging throat you reply, "Me too. I love you."

He leans down to press a kiss to your head, before settling back down against the edge of the dingy. Despite the unusual circumstances of this declaration of love he still feels content, and so do you. Thoughts swirl in your head as you think about how you will stay together for the future, and how you aren't planning on separating from one another anytime soon.

taglist: @samwlscns @jemimah-b99 @mitchloveswriting @luvlexiegrey @luvhann @honeymaybank @fonduefortwo @outcrbcnks

(link to join taglist: here)