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heroinejinx · 2 years ago

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‘I’m here.’ - Advices and Vices, part 7 of ? (CaitJinx Modern AU)

AO3 link.

After the party, Caitlyn takes a bath and has a totally normal, uneventful night... not. Cue hurt/comfort trope because duh.

TW: mature content, drug abuse.

(4,964 words)

The sweet freesia and vanilla of Caitlyn’s luxury soak overpowered the claggy air of the enclosed bathroom. Her gut swirled with the steam and the wine and the rejection. The window was in sight, to her left, just above the tub. In reach if she moved. She could’ve easily shifted onto her knees and turned the handle. The night air might’ve relieved some of the nausea eating at her. She pictured herself going through the motions, but she couldn’t take that leap and actually do it. Couldn’t move. Just lay in the tub, staring at the window.

Steam collected and cooled to droplets on the glass. Beads formed and trickled down to the sill. On any other night, she would’ve seen all that water collecting in the same place and stressed about the mould if she didn’t clean it up. But that night?

How long did it take for mould to grow in humid conditions like that? Had anyone ever timed it? Viktor probably knew. That brain of his held innumerable odd little science facts. Once the stabbing in her chest subsided in a few days, she’d ask him. Until then, the pain was all she had energy for.

Heartbreak was so dramatic. The rawness of it. The helplessness. At least with the divorce, she could rationalise and compartmentalise her feelings. Marriage was supposed to last forever; she was supposed to grieve that loss. But with Jinx there was no ‘supposed to,’ only ‘not supposed to go there.’ What they had or failed to have had no business existing. Doomed before it even began. And yet, there in that sweltering, sickly bathroom, she grieved.

Fuck ‘supposed to.’ Rejection was a bitch.

Was she a fool to place so much meaning on something so fleeting? They’d spent one night together half a year ago, and it had ended terribly. What the hell did she expect would happen when they saw each other again? Jinx pushed her away back then, she pushed her away after the party, and she would keep on pushing until Caitlyn stopped pulling that thread.

For most people, that would’ve been the end, but it didn’t feel like the end. It felt like Jinx just didn’t know how to let things start; how to cope with a connection that touched on something deeper than sex.

There was a pattern to Jinx’s behaviour, a truth woven throughout. Didn’t take a detective to spot it. Their connection was mutual, and Jinx was running scared.

The uninhibited, admittedly adorable, jealousy over Mel was perhaps the most obvious sign of Jinx’s real feelings. At the sight of them together, Jinx ruffled her nose and bared her teeth like a cat guarding its territory. And the way she asked Caitlyn about Mel? Her spiky questions seemed to sting her own tongue as they buzzed out of her, just as much as they stung Caitlyn. Especially when she asked about that night. Did that mean anything? Jinx had never sounded so small, so fragile. Because of course it meant something. To both of them.

Other clues mounted up. The prolonged stares and flickering eye contact. The fact they couldn’t stand apart for more than a couple of minutes, impulsively reaching out to touch each other, stand closer, breathe the same air. Even with voices raised, spewing harsh words, they couldn’t keep their distance. Then there was the moment Jinx held Caitlyn in her grip and bumped their noses together, almost kissing. God, she’d craved that kiss. But it would’ve been wrong to make a move.

Caitlyn knew Shimmer eye when she saw it; Jinx was wasted, in no condition to think clearly about her actions.

Why had she gotten so high? Was it being around Caitlyn, or did something else happen to Jinx at the party? Something that made her need to escape herself for a while.

Vi. Vi went after her when she ran from the kitchen. Something must’ve happened between them outside, because the next time Caitlyn saw Jinx, she was in the middle of a panic attack. She was so desperate to leave that she even took Caitlyn up on her offer of a place to crash for the night.

Why? Why did she implode like that? What happened with Vi!?

Caitlyn tilted her head to the side and stared at her phone by the sink. Within reach if she stretched hard enough. Shooting Vi a text would be so easy. She wouldn’t get suspicious of Caitlyn asking about Jinx; the fact they left the party together was no secret. She could tell Vi about Jinx’s meltdown and ask what might’ve caused it. A seemingly innocuous, well-meaning question might’ve provoked a revealing answer.

Tempting. A little amoral, but tempting… Something or someone at that party had rattled Jinx to her core, and Caitlyn would’ve bet her fucking inheritance that Vi had some involvement.

The only problem was the timing of it all. She’d gotten into the bath around midnight, and at least half an hour had passed since then. Maybe more. With all her zoning out, she’d lost track. She couldn’t waste any more time. If she waited until the morning, Vi would’ve sobered up, and a sober Vi was much less talkative about her problems. If Caitlyn called that night, however, she might’ve caught Vi still drunk from the party, susceptible to spilling her guts, especially when offloading about her little sister.

That decided it.

With a swift, determined force, she flung herself out of the brimming tub. Water lapped at the sides and splashed onto the granite tile beneath. Standing calf-deep in the warm bath, she shoved the window open wide and took a few hastened breaths of fresh air. Crouched to pick up her towels. With one wrapped around her hair and the other hugging her body, she alighted onto the fluffy bath mat and grabbed her phone.

As she scrolled through her contacts to find Vi’s number, a message pinged, followed by a rapid succession of others. All from Jinx.

cait

this acc ur no ??

sksjsjsjsk

prob not

nehwo

jsyk

nmdore u

im sry

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Caitlyn stared at her phone in shock. Tightened the towel around her chest, like it could’ve helped her somehow.

Her scheme of calling Vi fell to the wayside as she translated Jinx’s drabbles:

Cait… This actually your number? … [laughter] … Probably not… Any who… Just so you know… I adore you… I’m sorry… [kisses]

She read over the messages again and again.

Nmdore u. I adore you.

Her heart would’ve swollen at the confession, but the typos revealed a concerning level of intoxication.

She replied:

Jinx? Are you ok? You’re not making sense.

Jinx:

aha

wyd

Caitlyn:

I’m about to go to bed and sleep. You should too.

Jinx:

cant

com orve

pls

What the fuck? Jinx wanted her to come over… What the actual fuck?

Caitlyn:

Are you serious? You sound completely wasted. Go to sleep and we can talk tomorrow if that’s what you want.

Jinx:

pls

im sry

pls

Caitlyn:

This isn’t fair, Jinx. You can’t storm off like you did earlier, then expect me to come running to your apartment just because you decide to be sorry.

Go to sleep.

Barely a second later, Jinx called. Caitlyn almost didn’t answer, but she had to. The texts alone were evidence that Jinx was struggling. Asking for help, maybe, in her own way. She’d said sorry, and please, and that she adored her. If Caitlyn didn’t pick up that phone, Jinx might never have willingly spoken to her again.

She slid the call to ‘answer’ and put it on loud speaker so she could dry off and get ready for bed.

Jinx didn’t make a peep.

‘Hello?’ Caitlyn rang out her hair and carded a blob of leave-in conditioner through the ends. ‘Jinx? Are you there? You called me.’

‘…I, um… hi…’

Jinx sounded nothing like her usual self. Her voice was deep and croaky and lethargic, like a recording played in slow motion.

Okay. She was high on something other than Shimmer, but what? More importantly, was she safe? Was she alright to be on her own?

Maybe that was why she wanted Caitlyn to come over? To keep her safe. Fuck.

‘Jinx?’

Caitlyn tried not to panic but her chest felt like it was in a vice. Squeezing tighter and tighter and tighter until it snapped.

‘Jinx, talk to me. Are you safe? Where are you right now?’

‘…mm… bath.’

‘Bath?’ Tighter and tighter and tighter. ‘You’re in the bath? Right now?’

Oh god. Wasted in the bath. Jinx could die. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck—

‘Wet.’ Jinx giggled but it caught in her throat, making her cough.

‘Right.’ Caitlyn carried the phone with her as she hotfooted it into the bedroom. ‘Jinx, listen to me, alright?’

An incoherent groan was all Jinx gave in response.

‘Listen, I’m coming to get you.’ She pulled on the first clothes she could find. A pair of workout leggings, a white vest top and her old hoodie from the academy. ‘Give me, uh…’ She slipped on her running trainers, fetched her car keys and handbag. ‘Ten minutes. Okay? Stay on the phone with me.’

‘…uh… uh huh.’

Caitlyn dashed downstairs and through to the garage in record time. Hurled herself into her car, livened up the engine and sped off.

The drive across Zaun to Jinx’s wouldn’t take long at that hour, but every second was critical. If Jinx passed out…

Her foot pressed harder on the gas.

‘Jinx!’ She yelled to cut through the sounds of the city as she sped towards the apartment. ‘Still with me?’

‘…mm.’

‘Good. Okay. I won’t be long, okay?’

‘…mkay.’

Buildings whizzed past in technicolour. The city felt like a photograph or some vivid dream. Like it wasn’t real. Like none of this was happening.

‘Talk to me,’ she urged. ‘You have to stay awake, understand?’

‘…ye.’

‘Okay. Okay, stay awake Jinx. Talk to me.’

‘…Ca… Cai…?’

Jinx tried to say Caitlyn’s name but couldn’t get her mouth around the words. It hurt to listen to.

‘Yes?’ Caitlyn’s voice cracked.

‘…mm slee.’

‘You’re sleepy, I know, but you have to stay awake until I reach you, okay?’

‘…tufurto.’

What? Tufurto? Oh! Two-four-two. Her flat number. ‘Yes. Yes, I remember. Two-four-two.’

‘…tufurty.’

‘Two-forty? What d’you mean?’

‘…key.’

‘Key?’

‘…te get in.’

Ahh. The neighbour in two-forty must’ve had a spare key for Jinx’s place. Smart girl.

‘Okay, brilliant. That’s brilliant Jinx! You’re doing so well!’

More low and rugged laughter rumbled through the speaker, and Caitlyn smiled alongside. The roads weren’t too busy, traffic lights mostly green, and now she had a solid way to get inside. Things were looking up. Just a few more minutes and she’d be there.

‘…Cait?’

‘Yes?’

‘…thank you.’

The second Jinx finished her thought, the line cut out.

‘No! No, no, no, no! Shit! Fuck!’

Had Jinx hung up? Had her phone died? Did they lose reception? What!?

Caitlyn couldn’t try the call again without pulling over and wasting precious time. Her only choice was to floor it the rest of the way and hope to hell everything was okay.

***

At the security door to Jinx’s building, Caitlyn buzzed every floor number, every button she could press. Someone had to let her through. After a minute that felt like an hour, she got lucky. Once inside the stairwell, she pounded up the steps two at a time. Thank god she’d worn her trainers; she moved like her feet were on springs.

On Jinx’s floor, she sprinted down the corridor. The brass digits of apartment two-forty shone, a dull beacon of hope. She struck the door as hard and loud as she could. If they were sleeping, they sure as shit wouldn’t be for much longer.

Almost instantly, a young woman dressed in a pink, leopard print onesie, with bright, lime green hair, answered the door. A onesie in the middle of summer? There wasn’t nearly enough time to pick that peculiarity apart. The woman’s lips, balanced with two snake bite piercings top and bottom, spread into a wide, peppy grin.

Caitlyn tried to mirror the smile and keep Jinx’s neighbour at ease, but her stress won out.

‘You know Jinx in two-four-two. I need her keys. Now.’

Not even an introduction or hello first; her mother would never have forgiven the rudeness.

Well, her mother failed to forgive a lot of things, and failed to understand a great deal more. Manners were overestimated, especially in times of crisis. Fickle smiles and platitudes didn’t save lives.

The woman frowned a little, emphasized by the ball piercings sticking out of each eyebrow, but she quickly shrugged it off. Looked Caitlyn up and down and gave a discreet nod.

‘Sure thing. Two secs, hun.’

Just like that? No further explanation required…? Jinx had done this before, hadn’t she?

Leaving the door ajar, the woman hurried into a nearby room to fetch the keys. Caitlyn fidgeted while she waited. Chewed on the skin around her thumb. Balanced from one foot to the other. She couldn’t stand still. Couldn’t wait any longer. She closed her eyes and saw Jinx’s lifeless body.

‘Look, this is urgent!’ She yelled through the open door. ‘What’s taking so long?’

‘Sorry!’ The woman replied from the other room. She sounded genuine, at least. ‘What’s the problem, anyway? Did she lose ‘em again?’

Ah, so Jinx was prone to losing her keys. That explained the woman’s nonchalance. Not like it was Jinx asking for her spare, though. Caitlyn was a complete stranger to her. Wasn’t she a little concerned, or curious?

‘Not exactly,’ Caitlyn replied. ‘She’s inside but, uh… she can’t let me in right now.’

‘Rightttt,’ the woman trilled as she came back into view, set of keys looped through her left thumb. ‘And you are?’

Finally, a sensible question.

‘Caitlyn,’ she said. ‘Jinx’s friend.’ Why did she say it like that? ‘She asked me to come round and—’

‘Ah-ah!’ The woman chuckled and raised her hand to stop Caitlyn from saying any more. ‘I don’t need to know what she gets up to with her booty calls. It’s fine. Here.’ With that, she held out the keys. ‘The pink and blue one’s hers, but the rest’re mine so, y’know, bring ‘em back when you’re done.’

‘Of course.’ Another swell of relief afforded Caitlyn a sincere smile. She held out her palm and the woman dropped the keys right into it. ‘Thank you.’

‘Yeah, yeah,’ the woman snickered as she closed her door back over, ‘any time.’

The bundle of keys rattled in her anxious grip. Jinx’s pink and blue stood out amidst a sea of silver and gold. She sidestepped across to Jinx’s door and let herself inside. Slammed the door behind her.

‘Jinx!’

The layout unravelled in her mind’s eye. Bathroom next to the bed, behind a cloudy glass-paned door with an old, rickety handle. Caitlyn dashed towards it, no time or bandwidth to process the general disarray of the apartment, or the putrid smell coming from the kitchen. It didn’t matter; she’d clean it later. All that mattered was Jinx.

Bursting through the door, Jinx’s presence alerted her immediately. Her head lolled backwards, eyes closed, mouthing a stream of gibberish.

‘Oh, thank fucking god!’ Caitlyn wasn’t religious, but she thanked Janna and whoever else was up there, too.

Jinx was alive! Slumped in the brimming tub, completely naked, but alive.

A brief scan of the room apprised her of the situation. The dress and fishnets Jinx wore to the party lay scattered on the floor by the toilet. Strewn across the sink and countertop were crumbs of stray powder. Fade. Distinctive for its grey, lifeless colour, Caitlyn would’ve recognised that filth anywhere. A brutal, deadly drug. It plagued the under city almost as much as Shimmer.

Her heart broke to know that Jinx had gotten caught in its web. How long had this been going on? Did Vi know? Was that what they’d argued about at the party?

An empty baggy sat by the tap. Jinx must’ve taken whatever she had left of it; the whole bag in one sitting would’ve rendered her dead long before Caitlyn reached her. Given Jinx’s current state, she was just high. Very, very high.

She knelt at Jinx’s side and cupped her face. Examined the deep grey rings beneath her eyes and purple veins mottling her pale cheeks. Jinx looked exhausted, drained of energy. Fade operated like that. Emptied people. Left them hollowed-out husks.

With a sigh, she tapped Jinx’s cheeks lightly to get her attention. Jinx squinted and pulled a face like a baby woken prematurely from a nap.

‘…C a i t l y n ?’

‘Yes, Jinx, it’s me. I’m here, okay?’ She tried to keep an even tone, but she couldn’t hide her concern.

Jinx was conscious, great, but her skin was cold to the touch. The bathwater, too.

Another wave of panic hit and tears welled in Caitlyn’s eyes. How long had Jinx been lying there, wet and freezing and alone? A couple of hours? More!? She could’ve gotten hypothermia. Fucking hell.

‘Let’s get you out of there.’

Jinx’s dark brows arched in an unspoken plea, and she gave a slow nod in agreement.

Built-in shelves to the right of the sink held a plethora of toiletries, with a few towels tucked away towards the bottom. Caitlyn jumped to her feet and grabbed the nearest one. Returning to the tub, she spread it across her chest.

With a gentle but persuasive pull, she encouraged Jinx to wrap her arms around her shoulders so she could get a good grip and hoist her up, into the towel’s embrace. Jinx’s soaking mop of messy blue braids weighed down her small frame, making her harder to lift. Caitlyn’s muscles strained with the effort. She grunted and cursed under her breath, but it was over in a few seconds.

Out of the bath, Jinx stumbled and groaned, unable to stand on her own or form a coherent chain of words to complain about it.

‘It’s okay,’ Caitlyn soothed. ‘Relax into me.’

Jinx leant her full weight into her, while Caitlyn enveloped her in the towel and patted her dry, trying to warm her up a bit.

Over Jinx’s head, Caitlyn spied a black rectangular object submerged at the bottom of the cloudy bathwater. Jinx’s phone. That explained the abrupt end to their call, then. She must’ve lost the motor skills required to hold it.

Another thing for Caitlyn to sort later. Never mind.

With a straight back and bended knees, she swept Jinx up off the floor and cradled her across the threshold, out of the bathroom and onto the bed.

Sat upon the mattress, Jinx adjusted to the change with a shiver. Huddled further into the towel with her knees pulled to her chest, leaving just her head poking out. She seemed less close to sleep. A little more lucid.

Leaving Jinx to acclimatise, Caitlyn fetched the drowned phone from the bath and pulled the plug to drain the tub. Hurried into the kitchen to search for a bowl and some rice. Checked every cupboard. Nothing. Whatever crockery Jinx owned piled high in and around the sink. The only scraps of food in the place were a pack of mouldy doughnuts by the microwave, a bag of trail mix, and a shrivelled, sorry-looking lemon half in the fridge door. Could’ve been there for months, given the state of it. Maybe even since she was there last.

Oh, Jinx.

Well, unless trail mix could save the day, there was little hope for the phone. Mission: failed. Caitlyn left it dripping on the coffee table on her way back to the bed.

‘Pyjamas?’ She asked, approaching the only chest of drawers.

Jinx gave a small nod. Yes, pyjamas lived there, somewhere… Caitlyn rifled through the drawers, pulled out a pair of comfy-looking briefs and an oversized t-shirt. Something light for the summer night. She tentatively lay them beside Jinx.

‘Are you okay to put them on?’

With uncertain eyes and a wobbly bottom lip, Jinx nodded.

‘Okay. I’m here if you need me.’

Without pause or concern for her own modesty, Jinx let the towel fall from her shoulders. It bunched around her waist on the mattress, leaving her entire top half exposed. Caitlyn’s eyes didn’t wander; focused on the brittle yet determined expression on Jinx’s face.

Moving like a sloth, Jinx picked up the t-shirt and searched for the hole to poke her head through, slowly shifting the fabric in her shaking hands, trying to assess and remember how it worked. It was like she’d never worn a t-shirt before. Caitlyn could’ve cried. Jinx’s mind at its base level understood advanced engineering, but on Fade she couldn’t even dress herself.

She glanced back at Caitlyn with tears in her eyes. ‘Heh… help?’

‘Of course.’

With gentle hands, Caitlyn took the t-shirt from Jinx. The arm and head holes had plenty of room, easy to slip onto her without fuss. As it settled into place, cascading over her slight frame, Caitlyn lifted Jinx’s braids out from under the material and let them fall around her shoulders. Still sopping, they would soon soak through the fabric.

‘I’m going to put your hair up, okay? It’s too wet like this.’

Jinx nodded feebly, ‘mkay.’

With a careful urgency, Caitlyn untied and untangled each braid.

‘Brush?’

Jinx gave a pointed stare towards the bedside table to Caitlyn’s rear left. Sure enough, an electric blue brush, almost the same shade as Jinx’s hair, sat next to a paper lamp, atop a stack of books. She grabbed it and continued her work. Jinx’s thick, mile-long tresses were difficult to tame, but Caitlyn knew a trick or two. Tackling it in segments and with vigorous effort, she soon had most of the knots dealt with. Ready to scoop into a bun, out of the way. She twirled the great mass of hair together and fixed it into a loose nest atop Jinx’s head, repurposing the bands Jinx used for her braids to tie it all in place and prevent it falling out overnight.

While she worked, she stood over Jinx with her chest and torso at face level. Somewhere, amidst all the brushing and toiling away, Jinx rested her head on her stomach and let out a small sigh. Breathed her in. Wrapped her weakened arms around Caitlyn’s waist, anchoring their bodies together.

With Jinx’s hair taken care of, Caitlyn kissed the top of her head and stroked down her back, keeping her close and comforted.

‘Briefs,’ she mumbled. The last step before Jinx could lie down and get some sleep. They were close by, so she picked them up without breaking away. Dangled them in Jinx’s line of sight. ‘These next, okay?’

Groaning in defiance, Jinx let go of her hold around Caitlyn’s waist. Free to move, Caitlyn knelt at Jinx’s side and threaded her feet into the leg holes. Pulled them up as far as Jinx’s knees before realising the next part was… probably too intimate.

Their fingers grazed as Jinx took hold of the fabric, relieving Caitlyn of her duty and discomfort. Some instinct for privacy must’ve kicked in at the back of her mind. She shimmied the briefs further up her thighs, then stood and used Caitlyn’s shoulder for balance as she pulled them into place.

Confronted at eye level with Jinx’s pubic hair and outer lips, Caitlyn looked to the floor. She’d seen it all before, sure, but given the circumstances, she didn’t want to make things awkward or sexual.

Jinx made an ambiguous sound, either a huff or a chuckle, then cleared her throat. ‘Done… You can, uh…’

Caitlyn raised her head and met with Jinx gazing down at her, still gripping her shoulder to stay upright. Her knees ached from the floor, but it didn’t bother her. The hazy, needful look in Jinx’s eyes had her full attention. She reached up and stroked her cheeks. They’d warmed up since the bath. She smiled at that, relieved for the umpteenth time in the last hour.

With a contented moan, Jinx nuzzled into her touch and squeezed her shoulder, putting more weight on it. For a second it seemed like Jinx might collapse, but she didn’t.

‘Okay,’ Caitlyn hushed. ‘Bedtime.’

What happened next? What would Caitlyn do while Jinx slept? In all the palaver, she hadn’t considered what came afterwards. Should she go back home and act like nothing happened? Should she crash on the couch and spend the night in case Jinx took a turn for the worst?

‘…Caitlyn?’ Jinx said her name with surreal tenderness. ‘Er you… er you real?’

‘Of course.’ She continued stroking Jinx’s cheeks, hoping she would feel how real she was. ‘I’m right here.’

Jinx took Caitlyn’s hand from her face and studied it as though looking upon some mesmerizing artefact in a museum. Ran a finger along the map of veins threaded beneath her skin, the hard tips of her knuckles, turned it over and caressed the soft pad of her palm.

‘See?’ Caitlyn pressed. ‘I’m here. I’m really here.’

‘Huh.’ Jinx giggled, but her expression soon fell. Her eyes rolled deep in their sockets like she was about to pass out. She fought the urge. Stomped the floor in defiance as she pulled herself back from whatever brink she’d stumbled upon. Tightened her grip on Caitlyn’s hand and laced their fingers together. ‘Will you… will you stay?’

Would she stay? How could she refuse?

‘Of course. I’ll find some blankets and set myself up on the couch.’

‘No,’ Jinx insisted. It was the most like herself she’d sounded since Caitlyn arrived.

Hand still linked with Caitlyn’s, Jinx sat back on the bed and tilted her head towards the expanse of mattress. She then broke away completely and budged over to the other side. Tapped the spot left in her wake, intent on Caitlyn joining her.

‘Jinx, I don’t know if that’s such a—’

‘Please?’

Waiting for a reply, Jinx rolled onto her side, facing away. Like that night. But this time was different. This time, she wanted Caitlyn to lie beside her. She’d asked for it. Pleaded.

No one, in all her years of dating and falling for women, had ever shaken Caitlyn like Jinx had. She still felt angry about how they’d left things after the party, that rejection still stung deep in her heart, but she couldn’t stay mad. Not enough for it to override her other feelings. This was Jinx at her most raw and vulnerable. This moment transcended their fight and all that had come before. Standing over Jinx’s curled up body, Caitlyn could hardly even remember what they’d argued about. None of it mattered anymore.

She stripped to her vest top and underwear, cast the damp towel to the floor, and crept into the bed. It was a little cold where the towel had been, until the proximity of their bodies warmed her up. Summer nights like those weren’t great for sharing a bed, but she’d suffer through the heat if Jinx needed her to.

After a few minutes, she tossed onto her side, facing Jinx’s back. Freed her legs from the stifling duvet. Much better. Jinx must’ve felt boiled over, too; she pulled at her t-shirt and wiggled her way out of it. Flung it across the room and lowered the duvet so it barely covered her hips.

In the dim moonlight, Caitlyn’s eyes explored the angles of Jinx’s form newly on display. The juts of her shoulder blades, the hint of ribs and spine and hip bone poking out from the sheets.

Jinx seemed thinner. Had she been eating properly since they last met, or had all the Shimmer and Fade and gods knew what else affected her appetite? A question for the morning. Or not at all. Caitlyn knew from personal experience how a well-meaning comment about one’s weight could spiral and morph into something harmful and biting. Best left unsaid.

She closed her eyes. Tried to quiet her concern by hatching a plan of action. Come morning, she’d wake early and clean the apartment, especially the kitchen. If she had time, she’d head to the shops in The Lanes and fetch some groceries, then come back and prepare breakfast. Jinx would at least eat one good meal that day.

The only potential spanner in the works was Jinx herself. How would she feel if she woke up sober with Caitlyn in her apartment, having cleaned and cooked in it like she lived there? Would she still want Caitlyn around?

Would she even remember what happened?

Caitlyn huffed, frustrated by the uncertainty of it all.

Jinx shivered and groaned at the draught from the extra breath against her bare skin. Flipped over so they were face to face, breasts to vest top. Caitlyn didn’t look; focused on the flicker of Jinx’s eyes behind her lids, the tiny pout of her lips and sporadic twitch of her nose. Stray bangs had fallen down from her messy bun, framing her face. Without thinking, Caitlyn reached across the sliver of space between them and ran a hand across Jinx’s cheek, tucking the errant hairs behind her ear. Jinx stirred at the contact and her eyes opened to narrow slats. Caitlyn pulled her hand away and rested it under her pillow, alarmed that she’d woken Jinx up.

‘…Caitlyn?’ Jinx spoke into the silence.

‘Hmm?’

‘Can you… can you hold me?’

Heart in her mouth with nerves, Caitlyn shifted closer. She lay on her back and Jinx curled into her arms, head resting in the soft dip between breast and armpit.

Caitlyn fell asleep listening to Jinx’s steady breaths.

#well didn't i tell you jinx would be okay?#caitlyn to the rescue #caitjinx #caitjinx modern au #pistolwhip #pistolwhip modern au #caitlyn x jinx #caitlyn kiramman #jinx #drugs and baths do not mix people #hurt comfort #angst #arcane #fanfic #arcane fanfic #advices and vices #part 7 #i'm here

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heroinejinx · 2 years ago

Text

‘You don’t know her.’ - Advices and Vices, part 5 of ? (CaitJinx Modern AU)

AO3 link

Caitlyn’s POV after her night with Jinx, and the months leading up to the party...

She blames the gin, I blame the ADHD & Autism ravaging my life lol enjoy

TW: drinking, vague drug & trauma reference, Jayce being a prick

(6,019 words)

Jinx’s last words lingered in Caitlyn’s mind. She replayed the scene in that bed over and over and over.

I’m bad enough for you already.

Bad? In what sense?

Did Jinx feel like a bad person because of her past?

Caitlyn didn’t know the full story, but from what Vi told her, Jinx led a far darker life beyond the foster home than either of them could’ve fathomed. Vi had Vander, a gruff man-giant with the squishy insides of a teddy bear. But Jinx? Jinx had Silco, Zaun’s most infamous Chembaron, a man with the face and killer instinct of a rabid shark. He plucked her out from obscurity and made her his daughter. His Jinx.

What kinds of things did he enlist her to do? Had she acted willingly, or did he coerce her? Caitlyn didn’t dare speculate.

Either way, Jinx must’ve harboured guilt for her part in his business. All those lives, young and old, lost. Ravaged by shimmer and the gang warfare involved in producing and selling it. Years later, some parts of Zaun still hadn’t recovered, and nor had Jinx.

That same protective impulse Caitlyn felt in the corridor of Jinx’s apartment building swelled in her gut. Made her queasy with concern. She hated Silco.

But Jinx knew Caitlyn didn’t hold her past against her, right? For all their spats and bad blood, Jinx had to know.

If not the past, what else could Jinx have meant to shield her from? Had she forgotten something, some vital piece of evidence?

Just go… Go home, Cait.

What made Jinx so determined to push her away? The potential fallout of Vi finding out? They’d covered that; they could both keep a secret. What other reason was there?

Entitled. Jinx said it with conviction, intended to harm. Demanding an apology was entitled of you.

It felt like a blade aimed straight at Caitlyn’s throat, forcing her to scrutinise herself.

Was she entitled? Probably, in some respects, given her background. But expecting an apology for being tossed aside was no act of entitlement. Caitlyn knew her worth. That didn’t make her entitled.

Then there were her own indecipherable words. Things said she didn’t mean.

I don’t care.

A blatant lie woven from her pain. She’d intended harm, too. Neither of them was innocent in this.

I’m done.

Done? With what? Had they started something?

Maybe…

Maybe Jinx just didn’t like her. Maybe the night they’d shared was just sex, fuelled by alcohol and familiar, flirtatious contempt. Once it ended, Jinx wanted nothing more to do with her. And why would she? They had nothing more to offer each other than their bodies.

***

Weeks without answers turned into months. Four months, one week and two days.

Between nonstop work and restless nights, she met with Jayce for a drink at one of their favourite bars in the heart of Piltover. Anything to distract her from the dull, disconcerting itch of missing Jinx.

Craving someone she had once barely tolerated was a new brand of torture. Add her bitter confusion about how things ended to the mix, and well, Caitlyn wasn’t having a fun time.

Jayce was chipper, as usual. Painfully so. But he did most of the talking and had agreed to foot the bill. Could’ve been worse.

She quelled the constant ache in her chest with a stream of gin and tonics, as he droned on about the last couple of months of his life. He’d secured funding from the council for his tech company’s latest project. A venture into prosthetic limbs which Caitlyn understood very little of, despite Jayce’s thorough and frequent explanations.

Science had never been her thing; more of an English and History kind of person. Tangible lived experiences and the heart of the human condition spoke to her far more than statistics and hypotheses ever could. She had some basic forensic knowledge needed for her work, but that was it.

What would Jinx make of Jayce and Viktor’s work? Would she find it interesting? Ground-breaking? Would she and Viktor squabble over the best methods for maximum results? She’d certainly understand it all a heck of a lot better than Caitlyn.

Anyway, she’d strayed off topic. Blame the gin.

When Jayce found out about the funding, Viktor kissed him on the cheek right there in the lab in front of Skye and their other assistants. A rare, sweet moment of PDA amidst all the excitement. Jayce relished in that part of the story, skimmed over the funding just so he could tell her that his extremely private boyfriend had kissed him at work.

It was cute and it pissed her off. She loved Jayce and Viktor, but she didn’t want to hear a single word about how happy they were together. Not after… everything.

‘Come on, Jayce,’ she half-teased, half-reprimanded. ‘This is a new level of gloating, even for you.’

‘I’m not gloating,’ Jayce denied with a small grin. ‘Just sharing my news with my best friend.’

‘Oh, please.’

They went on like that for a while. Jayce sharing, then over-sharing as the alcohol hit, while Caitlyn nodded along with a drink in her hand, mocking him at regular intervals. It was nice. Quality friendship time.

The evening dwindled, they said their goodbyes and parted ways, and she was alone. Again.

Would she spend every night alone? Would she ever meet someone who made her as insufferable as Jayce and Viktor were together?

***

Jinx’s bed. Blue hair cascading like a waterfall. Smoke trails etched into biteable skin. Hands and tongue dragging out shrill, melodic moans.

The loud vibrations of her phone receiving a text.

Oh, wait, that was real.

She groaned, desperate to return to the world behind her eyes.

Her phone screen’s harsh light made her squint. She dimmed the brightness all the way down and read the message. From Vi, of all people.

If the universe had any respect for Caitlyn at all, Vi had finally signed those divorce papers.

She read on:

Hey, Cait. Sorry I’ve been a dick. If you’ve got a spare hour today, could we meet? Or if you’re at work, name a time and place and I’m there, okay? I’ve signed the papers and I’d like to meet in person to give them to you.

And again, I’m sorry.

Caitlyn read the message a few more times. She couldn’t believe it. Those words had really been sent. From Vi. To Caitlyn.

It all read true to form, apart from the apology. And the name. Ten months since they separated, and a part of Caitlyn still expected Vi to call her Cupcake. How stupid was that?

She didn’t want to meet on such short notice, but she had no choice. Vi was like a wild horse; couldn’t risk spooking her.

She replied:

Thank you, Vi. I know it takes a lot for you to say sorry, so I appreciate it. I’m due at the station today, but we can do lunch if you’d like.

Her response might have erred on the side of passive aggressive, but it was the kindest she could muster.

***

Lunch was… an experience.

Vi showed up late, hungover, and with another woman. Her girlfriend. Seraphine, or Serrie, had hair the colour of Pepto-Bismol and the face of a doe with no survival instinct, traipsing carefree through a forest in the middle of hunting season. Most egregious of all, they were smitten with each other. They called each other babe and hun and cutie and couldn’t stop touching. Hands, shoulders, knees beneath the table; it was all up for grabs.

Caitlyn seethed, picking at the Caesar salad she’d ordered before they arrived, while they perused the menu. She had twenty minutes before she had to go back to work, and they were acting like they were on fucking holiday.

Any sane, rational person would’ve ditched, left them with the bill, and demanded to meet Vi alone some other time. Instead, she dug her heels in. Literally dug the heels of her boots into the restaurant’s carpet.

‘You used to get the burger,’ she snapped. ‘Just get the bloody burger, Vi.’

‘Burger?’ Seraphine winced. It was the first thing she’d said since Vi had introduced her. ‘As in beef?’

‘Oh, yeah,’ Vi glanced up from the menu with an amused grunt. ‘Serrie’s vegan.’

‘Vegan?’ Caitlyn didn’t mean to sound derisive, but the idea of Vi dating a vegan when she ate approximately six chickens a day was beyond a joke.

‘Since she was nine. Huh, babe?’ Vi channelled all her warmth and affection into a killer grin, only this time Caitlyn wasn’t the target.

Rightly or wrongly, it bothered her. The whole scenario bothered her. After years of Vi putting her first, she’d been demoted to third wheel. The divorce was her own doing, but it chafed.

Seraphine blushed at the attention. Nodded right on cue.

Must’ve felt strange for her, sat across the table from Vi’s soon-to-be ex-wife. Although, she didn’t have to be there, did she? She certainly wasn’t supposed to be.

‘Sorry, um…’ Caitlyn cleared her throat, preparing for the impact of her question. ‘Vi, I have to ask. Why isn’t it just the two of us today?’

Vi and Seraphine gave each other a look, fleeting but wholly revealing; the look of two people teetering on the cusp of something life-changing and impulsive. Their faces bloomed with the same joy and subdued, mind-numbing terror she’d worn the first time she shot a gun.

Naturally, she scanned their fingers for signs of an engagement ring. Both sets of hands were under the table, out of sight.

Interrogation, or flat-out denial? Which tactic would she employ?

‘Never mind; Seraphine’s more than welcome, of course,’ she said. The coward's route, but also the quickest way out of there. ‘Vi, did you bring the papers?’

‘Sure did.’ Vi withdrew a large white envelope from her backpack. ‘Signed and fricking sealed.’

She squeezed Seraphine’s forearm with unabashed glee, eliciting a shy giggle. Never did learn the art of discretion, that one. It felt like they wanted Caitlyn to ask. Just ask.

‘Next stop: delivery,’ Vi confirmed. Nervously bit her lip.

‘Perfect,’ Caitlyn smiled but wanted to scowl.

She refused to ask them. If those two idiots were engaged with the ink still wet on the divorce, more fool them and she wished them well, but it had nothing to do with her. Nothing.

Vi raised an expectant brow, pushing Caitlyn closer and closer to breaking point.

‘Anyway…’ She scooped up the precious envelope and let out the fakest sigh she’d ever heard. ‘So sorry, but I’ve got to get back to work.’ Stood and flung her handbag over her shoulder. So close. The exit was so fucking close. ‘Lovely meeting you, Seraphine.’

‘Caitlyn, wait!’ Two steps towards the door were all it took for Vi to crumble. Her urgent tone told Caitlyn all she needed to know. ‘There’s something we need to tell you.’

Against her will, she turned back, and Seraphine revealed the diamond engagement ring on her finger.

***

‘Fucking hell.’ Caitlyn sighed into her wine, fogging up the glass. Downed the last few drops. ‘I think I’m still a bit in shock.’

She’d headed to Jayce and Viktor’s apartment in upper-west Piltover the second she clocked off, which was… a while ago. A quick catch-up in the kitchen spiralled into hours of venting. She never did this, but between the whole divorce debacle, the night spent with Jinx, and Vi’s abrupt engagement, she needed a friend.

‘Refill?’ Viktor offered, fresh bottle of Rosé in hand as he pre-emptively picked up her empty glass.

‘Amazing,’ she said. ‘Thank you.’

He poured until she gestured for him to stop, handed the glass back to her with a smile, then leant back on his crutches.

‘Maybe make that your last,’ Jayce hinted.

He had his back to them both while he chopped up a selection of vegetables for the coming days’ meal prep, ears pricked. Primed and ready to interject with the least helpful comment possible.

After almost two decades of friendship, she didn’t even have to look at him to see the smug expression on his face. He really thought he’d just told a joke.

‘This,’ she bit back, ‘from the man who can’t even remember last year’s Progress Day because he blacked out on Zaunian moonshine.’ Her next sip went down like a dream. Like victory.

‘She has a point.’ Viktor took her side over Jayce’s, like always.

‘If you say so,’ Jayce tutted. ‘I think she’s had enough, though.’

‘She?’ Caitlyn objected. ‘I’m right here.’

With a huff, Jayce turned to face her, hands on his hips like he was about to tell her off.

‘Sorry,’ he said, no ounce of remorse on display. ‘If I’m honest, I’m a little sick of tonight’s depression bingo, okay?’

‘Wow,’ she smarted. ‘Depression bingo? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?’

‘You’re struggling,’ Jayce said. ‘I get that. But sitting here complaining about it all won’t change anything, Cait. It’s just bumming us out.’

‘Jayce,’ Viktor chastised his boyfriend, employing a subtle yet damning head tilt. ‘Speak for yourself.’

‘I just…’ Jayce hung his head. ‘I like Vi, y’know? I’m happy for her. I think this engagement is good news.’

‘Now’s not the time to play devil’s advocate,’ Viktor warned. ‘Cait’s hurting. Let it be, for now.’

‘Thanks, Vik,’ she said, relieved that he had her back. ‘And Jayce, look, I am happy for her. Mostly. It just seems so quick. Can you imagine marrying someone you’ve known for such a short time? I don’t get it. What’s the rush? Why can’t they date for a while first? Properly get to know each other… Vi can be so reckless sometimes.’

‘Agreed,’ Jayce replied. ‘But if this is what she wants, we have to respect that. Vik?’

He gave a reluctant nod of agreement. ‘It’s not our business.’

‘Exactly.’ Jayce shot her a pointed glare. ‘Not our business.’

They were right, of course. It wasn’t their business. Still felt like Caitlyn’s, though. Like it was her responsibility to stop Vi from making a huge mistake. To protect. Out of love, or residual loyalty, or habit.

She wanted to call Vi up then and there and demand a thorough pros and cons list for the engagement. But she couldn’t. Dug her nails into her palms to suppress the urge. No matter how much it felt like a problem she needed to solve, it wasn’t her place. Caitlyn had no more business meddling in Vi’s life than Jayce or Viktor.

‘Fine,’ she conceded with a gulp. Stared down at the countertop to avoid their eyes.

‘But, uh, I don’t know, maybe…’ Viktor cheekily bobbed his head side to side and moved his hands to match, mimicking a pendulum weighing a decision.

‘What?’

‘I don’t think I want to say it,’ he teased.

‘Spit it out,’ Caitlyn demanded.

‘Yeah,’ Jayce agreed and swigged a mouthful of beer. ‘Can’t be worse than what I said.’

They both snickered at Jayce’s brief moment of self-awareness.

‘Okay,’ Viktor began. ‘Well, Cait, your love life isn’t our business either, so please, tell me to fuck off if you’d like.’

‘…but?’

‘But,’ he continued, ‘I was thinking that, uh, maybe now with the divorce signed off, Vi getting engaged, blah, blah, blah…’ There was that pendulum again, swinging off its axis. ‘Maybe, uh… maybe it’s time for you to dip your pretty toes in the pool again, huh?’

‘You think she’s ready?’ Jayce asked.

‘Think you could ask her that question?’ She snarked.

Sarcasm hid a multitude of sins. Primarily, the fact that she’d already entered the metaphorical pool for a swim. With Jinx.

She sipped more wine and hoped they wouldn’t notice how guilty she looked.

‘Oh, okay.’ Viktor narrowed his eyes, examining her. ‘So, you’ve dipped more than a toe.’

Shame cloyed at her throat. She drank more wine.

‘What?’ Jayce’s laughter echoed through the large kitchen. ‘And you didn’t tell us? Who is she?’

‘You don’t know her,’ she said.

Not a lie, per se. Jayce had met Jinx but only once or twice, always in passing, and she couldn’t think of a single instance with Viktor. Of course, there may have been times without her present, but that was unlikely. Vi inherited Jayce and Viktor’s friendship from Caitlyn. The three of them didn’t hang out unless she was involved. At least, not before the divorce. But after the divorce didn’t count because Jinx and Vi weren’t on speaking terms and—

God, she needed to stop overthinking. Her hook-up with her ex-wife’s sister remained secret. That was all that mattered.

‘I don’t know,’ Viktor teased. ‘You’re blushing.’ He flicked Jayce a grin. ‘Think we know her?’

‘You don’t,’ she insisted. ‘It’s just hot in here.’

‘Aircon’s on,’ Jayce said, deadpan.

‘Cait, y’know what,’ Viktor proffered. ‘Whoever it is, making you blush like that, I’m pleased for you.’

‘There’s honestly no one,’ she said, patience fraying at the seams. ‘Look, I… I had a one-night stand, okay?’

‘Wow!’ Jayce pounced. ‘Little Miss Commitment had a one-night stand!? Did you also get a lobotomy?’

‘Ignore the wind-up,’ Viktor said. ‘I’m… assuming you… enjoyed it? Just, uh, based on your expression.’

‘My expression?’ She fixed her eyes on Viktor, avoiding Jayce’s taunting grin in her periphery.

‘You blushed like you were… maybe reliving it a bit.’

‘Oh.’

She didn’t know what to say. Viktor was too astute and knew her too well. She couldn’t pretend with him.

‘You’re probably right,’ she admitted. ‘It was a great night.’

‘But…?’

‘But then it wasn’t.’

‘How so?’

She stared into her wine and shrugged. Her limbs drained of all energy, resting heavy where she stood. The urge to sleep crept upon her. She could’ve slumped onto the couch so easily. Or fled her friends altogether, fetched a cab home. Anything to stop talking about that fucking night.

‘You don’t have to tell us,’ Viktor comforted.

‘No, no, I’d like to know,’ Jayce said, baring his teeth like a mama bear about to defend her cubs. ‘Did this woman hurt you, Caitlyn? You know, Mel’s on the council and you’re an enforcer; nobody hurts you and gets away with it.’

‘For fuck sake, Jayce, no, nothing like that.’ Exhaustion cracked her voice. ‘Anyway, no matter what happens to me, please never include Mel fucking Medarda in your little revenge fantasy. I already have a mother who wishes that woman was her daughter; I don’t need her replacing me as your best friend, too.’

Jayce’s expression shifted back into mockery mode. Anger lurked behind his eyes, but he seemed convinced by her plea.

‘Aww, you think she hasn’t already?’ He joked. ‘How cute.’

‘Jayce.’ She tensed. ‘I swear, I will hurl this glass at your head.’

‘We have matching t-shirts and everything.’

‘Shut up.’

‘Okay, but seriously,’ he pressed. ‘Have you got a problem with Mel?’

‘I don’t know. I get a weird energy from her. And her politics are just—’

‘What?’ That rage of his flared up again, directed at her this time. ‘Idealistic? She’s advocating for peace, Cait.’

‘I know exactly what Mel’s advocating for,’ she said. ‘My problem is understanding why it matters to her. What’s her angle?’

‘Her angle? Is caring about the wellbeing of a city and its people not enough of an angle for you?’

‘Don’t get defensive, Jayce,’ she tutted, knowing full well it would rile him up further. ‘I’m just expressing my opinion.’

‘Your wrong opinion.’

‘Agree to disagree,’ she said, and turned to Viktor with a sigh. ‘More wine?’

‘In the fridge,’ Viktor said, frowning slightly. ‘You don’t like Mel, Cait?’ He looked sad, like a wounded puppy in one of those charity adverts. ‘Everyone likes Mel.’

‘Exactly.’ She sloped over to the fridge with a sneer. Fetched the wine and plonked it on the countertop. ‘Mel Medarda knows how to play people.’ She listened to the satisfying glug of the wine as it sloshed into the glass. ‘I guarantee she’s a complete cow beneath all those false smiles and promises of progress.’

‘Oh, you guarantee?’ Viktor gave a small, devious smile, like he was plotting something. ‘Because you know her so well?’

‘I’m allowed to not like the people you like,’ she said.

‘Sure,’ he said. ‘She likes you, though.’

‘…what?’

‘Yeah. She thinks you’re… What was it?’ Viktor cast his mind back. Tapped his glass to his chin, drumming the handle of his crutch with his spare hand. ‘Charming, and… Ah. Intriguing.’

‘She does? Why? We’ve barely said two words to each other.’

‘Might that be why?’

Viktor made a good point, but Caitlyn’s confusion deepened.

‘What’re you getting at here?’

‘Geez,’ Jayce shook his head in dismay. ‘For someone who graduated top of her class, you sure can be dense sometimes.’

‘What? What’re you both talking about?’

‘Mel likes you, Cait.’ He spoke in slow motion, enunciating each syllable. ‘And I don’t mean she wants to be friends.’

The mere suggestion nearly made her spit out her wine with a cackle. Mel wasn’t queer… was she? Caitlyn would’ve known. Would’ve sensed it somehow. Right!?

‘It’s true,’ Viktor stated. ‘She’s bisexual. Her and Shoola used to…’ He widened his eyes and raised his brow. ‘Oh, but that stays between us. She likes to be discreet.’

What? Mel Medarda had a sapphic affair with one of her fellow council members? Seriously?

‘Pah! As if!’

***

The following week, by some fluke, Mel Medarda joined the three of them for dinner. Slimy politician or not, she looked phenomenal. Her dark skin glowed in the candlelight as she glided into the restaurant. A cream satin slip dress skimmed her curves, offset by a delicate gold necklace and jet-black, flattering faux locs, interwoven with gold beads and rings. Caitlyn may not have liked Mel much as a person, but she couldn’t deny her striking beauty.

Trying not to stare, she peeled her eyes away. Met with Jayce and Viktor’s smug grins. Oh. The scheming couple had set them up. Treacherous bastards.

What did they think would happen? A few rounds of tequila shots and, hey presto, mutual lady lust? If Caitlyn didn’t like a woman, no matter how attractive they were, nothing would change her mind.

What happened with Jinx was a one-off.

Well, okay, it was more than that. A lot more. More than Caitlyn could afford to keep dwelling on.

Oh, for fuck sake. If she ended up sleeping with Mel in some pathetic attempt at getting over Jinx, Jayce and Viktor were dead men. She had training and access to firearms. They shouldn’t have messed with her.

‘Caitlyn,’ Mel chuckled in surprise as she took her seat at the table, directly opposite. ‘I wasn’t expecting you to be here.’ She eyed up the two men, suspicion afoot. ‘Looks like you both have some explaining to do.’

As if on cue, Jayce and Viktor laughed nervously.

‘Uh, well,’ Jayce began, ‘we didn’t think you’d agree to come if you knew—’

‘If I knew this was a double date?’ Mel beat him to the punch. ‘Don’t worry. I’ve had worse.’

To her credit, she seemed more amused than irritated. Caitlyn, meanwhile, couldn’t speak for fear of making a scene.

Being on the council, Mel had more experience with deception and poise, especially under the tutelage of Cassandra Kiramman. That woman hadn’t expressed a real emotion in at least fifteen years. Not since Caitlyn first raided her father’s secret stash of whisky and drunkenly confessed to liking women.

‘We figured you might like to get to know each other better,’ Viktor said, and shot Caitlyn a discreet, infuriating wink. ‘You’ve been vague acquaintances for… oh, how long?’

‘About five years now, right, Mel?’ Jayce played along. ‘Since you joined Cait’s mom on the council.’

They’d rehearsed this, hadn’t they?

‘Careful, Talis,’ Mel said. ‘You’ll make me feel old.’

‘Please,’ he scoffed. ‘Medardas don’t age. Just look at your mother.’

‘Ah, Ambessa,’ Viktor cut in. ‘How is she?’

Mel and Viktor, close friends that they apparently were, began chatting amongst themselves. Meanwhile, Caitlyn sulked. Yes, she was being rude, and no, she didn’t care.

God, her mother would’ve killed her. Good. If she died, she’d have a better evening.

How would Jinx act around someone like Mel…?

What would she think about Caitlyn on a double date? Would she feel jealous, or apathetic, like when Caitlyn stormed out of her apartment?

‘Cait,’ Jayce, sat next to her, elbowed her arm to get her attention. ‘Aren’t you going to say hi?’

Oh, he thought he was so bloody clever, didn’t he?

‘Wanker,’ she spoke under her breath for only him to hear.

He shook off the insult with a snicker and stretched an arm around her chair, leant in close to her ear.

‘Be nice,’ he whispered. ‘She likes you, remember.’

‘Doesn’t mean I have to like her back. And even if I did, how would that make it okay for you and Viktor to set up this… this pity date?’ She picked up her fork. Imagined stabbing him in the eye with it. ‘How tactful,’ she lamented. ‘Yes, pluck me a date from thin air, lest I remain single for a while. My knight in shining bloody armour. Whatever would I do without you?’

She realised after the fact that most of her little tirade came out full volume. Shit. Hopefully, Mel hadn’t heard.

‘Voice down,’ Jayce hissed.

Mel and Viktor’s conversation carried on without a hitch. Maybe the noise of the busy restaurant swallowed her words?

Or maybe not. On closer inspection, Mel’s smile drooped a little at the corners, while manicured fingers worried at the gold hoops threaded through her ears.

Guilt scorched Caitlyn’s cheeks. The last thing she wanted was for Mel to feel embarrassed. Jayce and Viktor had a lot to answer for. Her head spun with the ethics of it all.

She and Mel deserved better. They didn’t need this level of interference in their lives, especially not from a couple of well-intentioned, clueless men.

‘This isn’t a pity date,’ Jayce contrived. ‘Where did that idea even come from?’

‘Hmm, let’s see,’ she fumed, but kept her voice low so Mel couldn’t hear any further. ‘I’m thirty, single, and finalising a divorce to a woman who’s already engaged to someone else, like marriage is a game of bloody tag. That’s got pity written all over it.’

‘Cait,’ he softened. Gripped her hand in support. ‘Okay. I’m sorry. We obviously didn’t mean for you to interpret it that way. Vik and I thought this would be a fun night for you. No pity involved. I promise.’

‘…you do realise that apologising for how I’ve interpreted your actions isn’t an actual apology, right?’

‘Cait.’ His gentleness faded. ‘Come on. We’re all here to enjoy ourselves and you’re sulking like a moody teen.’

‘Funny,’ she spat. ‘I’m having a whale of a time.’

‘Wow. Your only child syndrome is shining tonight.’

‘Ditto.’

‘All I’m asking is that you stop being a brat for two minutes and give this date a chance. Mel’s great. You might have a good time.’

‘Maybe if you weren’t here bothering me, I would.’

‘Really? You’re that pissed off with us?’

‘Not at Viktor. Just you.’

‘What? Why? It was his idea as much as mine.’

‘So? He’s not the one badgering me about it.’

With a tut of disdain, Jayce pushed away from her and settled back into his corner of the table. Left to stew alone, she downed half her glass of wine in one.

Their frostiness finally drew Mel and Viktor’s attention. They stopped talking and looked straight at her. Jayce stared her down, too. There it was: scene, made.

‘Well…’ She attempted a smile. Tried to keep her hands and voice steady. ‘This is lovely. Not awkward at all.’

Across the table, Mel held herself in a fixed pose of grace and compassion. Straight spine; relaxed shoulders; hands neatly folded. Her eyes shone, alert and attentive, and a slight smile dimpled her cheeks.

Even under stress, the woman showed no flaws. They had to be there somewhere, lurking in the contours of her face, itching to reveal themselves. Caitlyn wanted to see. Just one, tiny defect to prove Mel was human. She didn’t ask for much.

‘Jayce? Viktor?’ Mel met Caitlyn’s eyes, then theirs. ‘Is what Caitlyn said true?’ Her rich brown irises blackened as her tone grew colder. ‘Is this a pity date?’

‘Uhhhhh…’ Viktor squinted and frowned like he’d just tasted something foul. ‘When did she say that?’

‘Just answer,’ Mel implored. ‘Be honest.’

‘Heh. Well. That’s not, uh… hmm… not how I’d put it…’

‘How would you put it?’ Caitlyn fired Viktor the most chilling glare in her arsenal.

‘Oh, come on,’ Jayce leapt to his boyfriend’s defence. ‘Pity has nothing to do with it.’

‘Nothing,’ Viktor reaffirmed. ‘We, uh… we spied an opportunity, that’s all.’

‘Makes you sound like crooks,’ Mel noted.

Caitlyn sniggered; she’d thought the same thing.

‘Well,’ Viktor sighed. ‘If we’re crooks, we… we broke the law in the name of finding love. Worth it, no?’

‘Nice try,’ Caitlyn scoffed. ‘But no.’

‘If I may?’ Mel kept her tone as measured as her body language. Looked each of them in the eye as she continued. ‘This is all far too messy for me. I don’t do complications, not when it comes to dating. Not anymore.’

Jayce and Viktor donned identical, knowing smiles. Whatever happened with Shoola must’ve done a number on her.

‘I think I’ll go; simplify things.’ Mel glanced back at Caitlyn. ‘If you could please keep this—whatever this was—to yourself, I’d be grateful. I like to keep my personal life personal. Especially with the council.’

A familiar fear distorted Mel’s features. Half a second and it disappeared, but Caitlyn knew it. She knew it like she knew her own name. Something she’d been born and raised with. Something she couldn’t escape from. That gnawing need to conform to the standards set out for her by family, society, everyone she met. The scalding terror of being her authentic self.

Mel Medarda was a professional, powerful woman, and she couldn’t risk jeopardising that for anything. Not even to live comfortably in her own skin. As a Kiramman, Caitlyn understood that conflict better than most.

In that moment, her perspective shifted. Fascinating, how one new piece of information about a person could alter her entire opinion of them.

‘Caitlyn?’ Anxiety bled through the cracks of Mel’s façade. ‘I need to know you won’t tell your mother about this.’

‘Don’t worry,’ she smiled in solidarity. ‘I won’t.’

Another shift occurred. She looked at Mel and didn’t want her to leave.

‘Stay?’ She asked. ‘Never mind the date thing. Stay. Have a drink. As friends?’

Mel tilted her head with a snicker; tempted.

‘You won’t regret it, Mel,’ Jayce piped up. That classic Talis smugness returned tenfold. ‘As crazy as it might sound, you two have a lot more in common than you think.’

‘We’re both mad at you right now,’ Caitlyn said. ‘Guess we must be soulmates. Are those wedding bells I hear? Maybe we can have a joint ceremony with Vi and Seraphine?’

‘Hilarious,’ Jayce grunted and slammed a fist into the table.

The cutlery on his and Caitlyn’s side of the table rattled. Viktor tried to withhold his amusement, but his eyes watered and bulged, fit to pop a blood vessel. Mel, however, didn’t hold back. She let out a glorious, wild, unfiltered laugh. Caitlyn followed her lead.

‘Oh, great,’ Jayce huffed. ‘So, you’re getting along at our expense now.’

‘At least they’re getting along,’ Viktor reasoned with him, and reached out across the table for his hand. Their fingers laced together. ‘Your round,’ he mouthed.

With the aura of a little boy being sent to sit on the naughty step, Jayce slouched over to the bar to order their second round of drinks. Caitlyn snickered as she watched him. Maybe that evening didn’t have to be a disaster after all?

Aside from her bisexuality, the first true, likeable thing Caitlyn learnt about Mel Medarda was her respect for people who spoke their minds and asserted themselves. She admired Caitlyn’s honesty about wanting friendship, even when it cost her comfort.

The second thing? Mel made Caitlyn laugh. As the wine flowed, her poised demeanour melted away to reveal an acerbic wit similar to Caitlyn’s own. Her wry jokes about the council, with all its prehistoric protocol and antiquated ideals, had Caitlyn in tears and nearly wetting herself.

And the third? Mel heard her. She focused on Caitlyn’s words rather than rushing to assumptions. Held Caitlyn’s hand when she stumbled onto a tangent about the stress of the divorce and her recent mental state.

There was so much more to Mel Medarda than her position on the council. Challenging and toxic relationships with mothers and lovers had profoundly affected both of them. They listened to each other. Related to each other. Comforted each other.

To Caitlyn’s disbelief, a true friendship bloomed. Mel’s company put her at ease in unexpected ways. So much so, she almost told her about Jinx.

Mel might’ve had some wisdom on the subject. Some words of advice to ease Caitlyn out of her slump. Her depression, as Jayce so lovingly put it. Mel could’ve listened and interpreted, relieved Caitlyn of the uncertainty and shame surrounding that night. Could’ve further dissected the situation and analysed the potential factors that led to Jinx’s shutdown. Could’ve helped Caitlyn understand.

She needed to understand.

In the end, as much as she wanted to, she didn’t mention it. Kept Jinx and those endless questions safely tucked away. It was a private pain, too intimate to share with anyone else.

Mel couldn’t have fixed it, anyway, but her company acted as a salve. A temporary relief.

After several hours of council gossip and skirting around the hole in Caitlyn’s heart, the four of them stepped out into the balmy summer night. Jayce and Viktor hailed a cab in a matter of seconds; a flagrant last-ditch attempt at kindling romance between the two women. As their taxi pulled away from the kerb, Caitlyn waved them off with a fake smile and flipped them her middle finger.

‘I’m this way,’ Mel said, leaning her head slightly left.

‘Oh, um…’ Caitlyn floundered.

What did Mel mean? Did she want Caitlyn to join her? What could she say to let her new friend down gently?

‘Caitlyn, I like you…’

Shit.

‘We’ve had a lovely evening,’ Mel continued with a fond, knowing smile.

Shit, shit, shit.

‘But let’s be honest…’

Oh, thank God.

‘We both know that this isn’t happening, don’t we?’

Thank fucking god.

‘Absolutely,’ Caitlyn agreed. ‘Yep. Yep, yep, yep. Not happening in the slightest.’ Guilt needled her ribs like a stitch after running too fast. ‘Sorry. I like you too, as a person, somehow, after getting to know you better. Just… not like that… But you won me over, Medarda. You’re surprisingly brilliant.’

‘Surprisingly brilliant?’ Mel narrowed her eyes in playful scrutiny. ‘Not sure why it’s such a surprise, but I’ll take it.’

‘You should.’ She raised her brows to sell the mock threat. ‘Now that we’re friends, that might be the last backwards compliment I ever give you.’

They shared one last giggle before making their separate ways home.

So, that was the real Mel Medarda? No wonder Jayce and Viktor liked her so much.

***

The following week, Vi and Seraphine invited her to their upcoming engagement party. Rather than outright reject the idea, Caitlyn listened. Reflected on it.

She disapproved of the union, but Vi’s invite was an olive branch. The brides-to-be promised a free bar and her choice of a plus-one. Jayce and Viktor were invited, too. Rude to say no.

She texted Mel that same day, asking if she would tag along as a friend, and they set the date.

Everything slotted into place.

***

Six months after their tryst, Jinx remained the only unknown variable in Caitlyn’s life.

11 notes · View notes

heroinejinx · 2 years ago

Text

‘Sore subject?’ - Advices and Vices, part 6 of ? (CaitJinx Modern AU)

AO3 link.

Remember when I said things would get darker? Yeah, they sure did.

Jinx & fancy parties do not mix. Neither do Jinx and most people. Love that for her lol enjoy the melodrama <3

Note: I’ve previously referred to Jinx taking Shimmer & Ketamine, but have now replaced Ketamine with a drug I’ve made up called ‘Fade.’ It has similar downer/opioid properties but is *not real* which gives me a bit more freedom to experiment with it. Hope the change isn’t too confusing!

TW: mature content, explicit drug use, description of a panic attack, suicidal ideation... all that fun stuff.

(9,679 words)

Loaded on Shimmer, Jinx ambled down the street towards the party, her mind a web of questions and theories about the evening ahead. Would she see Caitlyn? Would Vi notice how high she was? Would there be cake?

If she knew Seraphine, there’d be a rainbow cake with sprinkles and strawberries. Mmmmm… Jinx imagined eating it as she skipped along.

Seraphine’s parents were Zaunites with new money. They’d made a name for themselves by owning a chain of factories, selling their wears across the bridge and throughout Runeterra, rubbing shoulders with the rich snobs of Piltover and corrupt wannabes of Zaun alike. Their so-called mansion looked out on the Pilt, about a mile upstream from Caitlyn’s place. The houses along that stretch of river were all built in the last decade, the only ‘fancy’ part of Zaun.

Jinx had tolerated enough of Silco’s rants on the subject to know that the area was designed with the intent of extending Piltover’s influence across the bridge rather than bettering the undercity. She despised it; lost count of the dreams she’d had of burning it all to the ground. Every single house, including Caitlyn’s. Might’ve even lit the first match right on the entitled Piltie princess’ doorstep.

For Seraphine’s parents to have bought into the fantasy showed several gross traits: they were gullible, spineless, greedy, delusional… the list went on and on. Their daughter wasn’t much better, but at least she knew how to slum it like a true Zaunite. Seraphine embraced where she came from. Sure, she was privileged and blind to the suffering and darkness that plagued Zaun’s depths, but she wasn’t cruel or arrogant about it. The bar was low.

Did Seraphine still party the way she used to? Jinx first met her years ago at a secret rave by the docks. Her long, bubble-gum pink hair flailed in the wind as she danced like a manic ballerina, and Jinx had to have her. Several shots and snorts of Shimmer later, they were all over each other in a blur of tongues and limbs and giggles.

Given her engagement to Vi, the ultimate Debbie Downer when it came to drugs, Seraphine’s fun days were probably behind her. Bummer.

Finally at the house, Jinx double checked she had the correct address. The place was huge. Much grander than she remembered. Not a mansion, but undoubtedly impressive.

She traipsed up the gravel drive, surrounded by fellow partygoers in their finery. Compared to their designer suits and gowns, her leather jacket, black skater dress, knee-high socks and gothic platform boots looked… well, kinda trashy.

Should’ve asked Vi about the dress code. But it was Vi, for fuck sake. Since when did her punk big sister give a shit about dress codes? Even Caitlyn didn’t care about things like that. Sure, the Kirammans did, but Caitlyn didn’t listen to them. Serrie and her pretentious parents must’ve really gotten under Vi’s skin.

A lady Jinx didn’t recognise stood by the double-doored entrance, dressed in blue silk, champagne flute in one hand and scrawny cigarillo in the other. Her silver bob was coiffed and sexy, dark red lipstick flawlessly applied. As Jinx drew closer, she stared, both enamoured by the stranger’s beauty and feeling shitty about her lack thereof.

The woman caught Jinx’s eye, flickered a smug smile, and the spell was broken.

Okay, she was hot, but she didn’t have to be such a bitch about it. Rich snobs like that could never just be nice, could they?

Jinx flicked the woman a hostile glare and shoved past her to get inside, spilling champagne down the silk dress.

‘Excuse me!?’ The woman yelled after her. ‘This is couture!’

Jinx tossed her head over her shoulder and giggled at the outburst. Lingered long enough to see another woman rush over, making a fuss.

‘Oh my god, Evelynn! Are you alright?’

‘I’ll be fine,’ the woman, apparently called Evelynn, grunted.

‘What the hell is that girl’s problem?’

Oh, if only they knew.

Flipping them a playful little wave for good measure, Jinx properly entered the party.

Classical music serenaded her into the main room, like walking into a funeral. The decorations were modest, colour-coordinated, tasteful. Nothing like the crude banners and plastic bunting she was used to.

It gave her whiplash. Where was the keg, the beer pong, the buffet of beige carbs and neon candy, the red plastic cups filled with cheap booze? Why wasn’t she drowning in obnoxiously loud, heavy music, and that glorious ever-present smell of weed and body odour? Where was the fucking party!?

She wasn’t ready for this. She’d spent so much time obsessing over seeing Vi, and the vexing possibility of bumping into Caitlyn, that she’d forgotten to worry about the party itself.

People fenced her in from every direction. The Shimmer she’d taken before venturing out had waned enough to make her feel raw. A shockwave of overlapping voices hit her like a kick in the head. Hard enough to concave her skull. If she didn’t top up soon, she’d have to find a place to hide and curl into a ball. Maybe a nice closet upstairs, somewhere quiet. Out of the way.

‘Jinx!’

Seraphine’s flute-like voice knocked her out of her tailspin and into people mode. She smiled as a defence mechanism, while her ex gleefully bounded up to her and embraced her with a hug and a kiss to her cheek.

‘I’m so happy you came!’

Jinx wanted to ask why but kept it to herself. Seraphine was, of course, just being friendly. No need to scrutinise and dig out the truth. Not straight away, at least.

Seraphine pulled away to properly look at her guest. ‘Ugh, you look so pretty! That eyeliner!?’ She kissed her fingers to imitate a chef, ‘perfection!’

A beaming smile remained glued to her face, and Jinx matched it as best she could. It hurt her cheeks.

‘Heh, thanks,’ Jinx replied through a forced grin. ‘Didn’t get the memo about the dress code though. Whoops.’

‘Pfft, that’s okay!’ Seraphine waved her hand across her face to emphasise how okay it was. ‘It’s totally optional. You look great! Don’t worry about it!’

‘Okay…’

Jinx widened her grin even further. Might as well have split her face open. But she believed Seraphine’s hype; she did look great. Fuck it.

‘Where’s Vi?’

‘She’s in the kitchen,’ Seraphine replied. ‘I’ll take you; need to get you a drink!’

Seraphine linked her arm through Jinx’s jacket and marched onwards, but Jinx pulled back.

Nope, her racing heart cried out. Shimmer, stat.

‘I gotta pee first,’ she lied.

‘Oh, of course,’ Seraphine’s beam remained intact, oblivious to the deception. Naïve idiot. ‘D’you remember where the restroom is?’

‘Uh huh.’ She slipped out of Seraphine’s reach, melting into the crowd. ‘In a bit.’

***

Alone in the confined space, Jinx breathed in deep. The floral air freshener almost made her gag. She clutched the sink to ground herself. Didn’t dare look in the mirror. No time to let her nausea creep in or check her make-up and whisper self-loathing.

She fumbled around inside the breast pocket of her jacket. Baggies of Fade and Shimmer sat side by side, kept separate by the dollar bill she’d brought to snort them. She retrieved the Shimmer, saving the Fade for later.

With a steady hand and dry mouth, she tapped three rough lines onto the rim of the sink. It wasn’t a flat surface, but short of sniffing off of the damn toilet cistern, what choice did she have? She swiped her Jericho’s loyalty card from a different pocket and neatened the lines.

On some level, she must’ve known she’d start using like this again. Why else would she bring that card with her wherever she went? Something about its weight and thickness always produced the straightest lines. Her own brand of fucked-up safety blanket.

The pink powder glittered under the LED lights overhead. She didn’t dwell on how pretty it looked. Rolled up the dollar bill and took the first hit.

***

Three lines and however many minutes later, she left the restroom and made her way to the kitchen in an elated blur. Danced to the peppy violins of some vaguely familiar tune as she slipped through the rabble.

The main room of the party branched out into a large dining area, separated from the kitchen by a broad, marble pillar. If what Seraphine said was true, Vi was right on the other side.

Jinx braced herself. Sure, they’d had a phone call the other day, but seeing her sister in person after so long was a different story. Harder to escape in person.

She bit the bullet and crept around the cold marble.

Vi stood behind an island countertop, kitted out in a suave burgundy suit and matching shirt, short cherry red hair smartly slicked back. Party mode.

Her face hadn’t changed a bit. No shred of make-up in sight. She didn’t even look older. She was just… Vi. Same big sis with the steely eyes, firm jaw and cheekbone tattoo that said she could do anything. And the scars on her bottom lip and left brow, reminders that even she wasn’t invincible.

She embraced Seraphine with that cocky grin of hers. Kissed the top of her head. Bubble-gum pink and cherry red; cute combination. They looked good together, like a team. Who’d have thought?

Jinx smiled to herself, giddy and bursting with nervous energy. She almost skipped forth to join them, but they had company.

Tall, beautiful company…

Soft, strong hands rested on the countertop across from Vi, adorned with several silver rings and an expensive-looking watch. Midnight blue, poker-straight hair pulled up in a neat, high ponytail exposed a slender, alabaster neck and silver filigree earrings. A killer dark mauve dress hugged her body like a second skin, making her boobs look like the best fucking boobs imaginable.

Jinx would’ve known that profile anywhere. Those hands alone. Long, supple fingers. All the things they could do. Places they could reach.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

All thought of reuniting with Vi abandoned her. Her knees almost buckled. Gut plummeted. She needed to get out of there. ASAP.

They hadn’t noticed her yet. A few steps back behind the pillar and she could’ve disappeared into the rest of the party without a fuss. But something compelled her to stay.

Conversation flowed between Caitlyn and Vi like water. The natural back-and-forth of two people who really knew each other. Seraphine’s interjections trickled in where they could, but she didn’t say much. The longer she listened, the more bored she looked.

What were they talking about?

A fourth, unknown voice chimed in, swimming against their current. The tension of debate tinged the air, but over the din of the party, Jinx could only identify tones, not words.

She inched closer to the sound, picked out a few phrases. Politics was on the menu; no wonder Seraphine had disengaged.

The mystery voice mentioned something about the history of the bridge, how it divided people, how the council tried to undo the damage but struggled to enforce real change. Vi scoffed out something about enforcers being glorified attack dogs who encouraged the council’s prejudices.

Jinx agreed with her sister.

Caitlyn pushed her tongue against her bottom lip in silent protest but didn’t argue back. The whole enforcer thing was one of the many issues that polluted the reservoir during her marriage to Vi. Must’ve hurt to discuss it casually like that.

Jinx subconsciously lurched towards Caitlyn but stopped herself before getting too close. Stupid feet, thinking on their own.

More of the kitchen came into view, as did the owner of the fourth voice. Mel Medarda. Hard to forget the face of Piltover’s youngest and best-looking councillor. Her posters were all over Zaun, graffitied to shit. Some by Jinx’s own hand. Ha!

Propped against the inner wall, next to Caitlyn, the Noxian prodigy nursed a glass of white wine. She was ethereally gorgeous, even more so in person, face not sprayed across and spoiled. Her understated style oozed old money and class. Made that bitch Evelynn’s whole schtick look tacky.

What did that make Jinx, by comparison? Sump scum. Trencher trash. Not worth a cent.

Envy swarmed and multiplied like wasps preparing to defend the hive. Buzzed around her as she spied.

Medarda slid a manicured hand down Caitlyn’s arm and onto the small of her back. Too intimate for comfort. Her black and gold nail polish was perfect, unspoiled by any kind of frequent use of her hands. The only similarity with Jinx’s own bitten and chipped nails was the length: short.

For a woman with Medarda’s glamour to have nails that length meant one thing. Jinx envisioned those immaculate fingers gliding along Caitlyn’s smooth skin, in and out of her cunt. No doubt Medarda played the role of loyal, supportive girlfriend better than Jinx ever could.

The wasps became hornets, beastly and vicious.

It made sense, of course. Caitlyn had her fun chasing Zaunites over the years, and now she’d moved on to the type of woman befitting her station. The type of woman her mother would’ve adored and fawned over. Cassandra Kiramman never warmed to Vi, but Medarda…?

Jinx scowled at the two of them. Heat prickled her skin. Disgust tugged her lip upwards in a snarl.

How dare they stand there like that, flaunting their relationship at Vi’s engagement party? What the fuck!? Why were Vi and Seraphine acting so okay with it?

Arms crossed and brows knotted, Jinx announced herself with a laugh of pure spite.

The silly political dispute stopped dead and all four of them looked towards the sound. The social smile Caitlyn wore in conversation dropped in an instant. Vi’s eyes lit up with a grin. Seraphine rested her head on Vi’s shoulder and tossed Jinx a small wave, none the wiser but no longer bored, while Medarda’s unnervingly pretty face frowned in confusion.

‘What’s this, the lesbian convention?’ Jinx sniped.

‘I’m sorry, who are you?’ Medarda cut to the bone with a voice as smooth as honey.

‘Jinx…’ Vi’s eyes dulled with disappointment, already done with her shit.

Didn’t take long for big sis to turn on her, did it? Some things never changed. Jinx gritted her teeth.

Caitlyn stared; face unreadable. What was on her mind?

‘Are you okay?’ Seraphine asked. ‘You took a while… Do you still want that drink?’

A while? How long did she spend in the restroom? Ten minutes? Twenty? Longer?

Were any of them close enough to see Shimmer’s tell-tale pink glow orbiting her blown-out pupils? Would they care?

She darted her gaze between them, met with judgement and icky concern. And worse, Caitlyn’s complete lack of expression.

Did Jinx’s presence mean nothing to her?

Too far up Medarda’s ass to notice.

‘Wait… Jinx?’ Medarda turned to Vi, brow raised in question. ‘As in Powder, your sister? The one who—’

‘Jinx as in Jinx,’ Caitlyn sternly interjected.

What? What was that?

In some small, poignant way, Caitlyn had stuck up for her. Why would she do that?

Caitlyn shifted away from Medarda’s touch and looked directly, unflinchingly, at Jinx.

It took a nano-second for Jinx to blink away.

Too long. The contact stung.

‘Whatever,’ she huffed and barged past them.

‘Jinx!’ Vi called after her. ‘Wait!’

She ignored her sister’s plea and moved faster, beyond the kitchen. Snatched someone’s drink as she made a beeline for the sliding doors leading out to the veranda and the garden.

A gentle summer breeze greeted her. Bliss. So much better than the stifling air inside. Ignoring the cluster of people near the door, she downed the sweet remnants of mimosa from the stolen glass. Lit a cigarette and descended the veranda’s wooden steps onto the overgrown path beneath.

Like everything about that stupid place, the garden was bigger than she remembered. Perhaps they’d extended it? And didn’t they used to have a pool? They must’ve redesigned.

Haphazard shoots of grass jutted out of the stone, softened the tread of her boots as she strolled along. A bird of prey flew overhead, momentarily eclipsing the sun with its wingspan. Down on the ground, the path became a small set of steps, then path again, as she followed it out towards a hedgerow. Hues of pink shone in the distance, but she couldn’t tell where they came from.

‘Jinx…?’ Came a curious male voice.

She turned towards it, but once she saw who the voice belonged to, nearly turned back around. Jayce Talis, dressed in all white, sauntered up to her.

‘Jayce.’

She twisted her grimace into a grin. Stared at him a few seconds too long. Was it the Shimmer, or were his eyebrows freakishly huge?

‘Have you always looked like this?’ She poked his cheek, investigating.

‘Uh…’ He smiled tightly and stepped back, out of poking distance. ‘I guess it’s been a while. I’m surprised to see you.’

‘Snap,’ she said. ‘Aren’t you s’posed to be Cait’s bestie? Whatcha doing here?’

‘Actually, Vi and I grew pretty close over the years,’ he said. ‘Cait’s here too, though… somewhere.’

And didn’t she fucking know it.

Before she could interrogate Jayce on how he’d convinced Vi to be his friend, another man cosied up next to him and handed him a glass of red wine.

‘Ah, Viktor!’ Jayce exclaimed, glad for the extra company. Somebody, save him from the weirdo! ‘You’ve met Jinx, right? Vi’s little sister.’

‘Less of the little,’ Jinx frowned. ‘Condescending dick.’

Jayce snickered at her hushed insult. She hadn’t meant to be funny; he really was the worst. Why the fuck was Caitlyn friends with him? Childhood nostalgia, familial obligation, charity, what?

‘Hmm,’ Viktor studied her in thought. ‘I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure, no.’ Balancing on an awesome set of customised black and silver crutches, he held out a bony hand.

She shook it with aplomb. Studied the veins bulging beneath his skin, mottled purple and blue from the repetitive strain of his disability.

What caused it? Had he been like that his whole life, or was it recent?

‘Why the crutches?’ She blurted out. Damn shimmer. ‘Sorry. That question was meant to stay in my head.’

‘Oh, heh, no need to apologise.’ He took her rudeness in his stride. Good sign. ‘I’ve, uh… I’ve been sick for a long time… I won’t bore you with the details.’

Bore her? He fascinated her. But she could take a hint.

‘Sore subject?’

‘Something like that.’

‘Hmm.’

Tilting her head, she studied the peculiar man before her. His accent was tricky to describe. It reminded her of someone… someone she didn’t want to remember. Kinda creepy. His hair was floppy and dark, skin sickly pale, eyes sharp and sparkling with intelligence. He wore a suit, but not the typical Piltie garb. Rather than a refined tailored piece, like Jayce’s, his was mismatched tweed, relaxed from years of wear. Tweed, in the summer? If he turned around, she bet she’d find patches sewn on at the elbows where the fabric had thinned and torn. She couldn’t tell if he'd owned it for years or if it was second-hand, bought on the fly for the party. She liked that she couldn’t tell.

This dude seemed way too cool and way too much of an oddball to hang around with a dorky poser like Jayce.

‘How d’you two know each other?’ She asked, genuinely curious.

‘Viktor’s my partner,’ Jayce said with pride.

‘In business, and in life,’ Viktor added.

‘Ohhhhh.’

Jayce was gay? Finally, something she could respect him for.

‘So, you and Jayce do the science together, huh?’ She wiggled her brows suggestively.

‘Something like that,’ Viktor said. He hunched over as he spoke, shying away from scrutiny by making himself smaller.

‘Parties aren’t yer thing,’ she observed.

Viktor winced and shook his head.

‘Don’t sweat it.’ She flashed what she hoped was a reassuring wink. ‘I don’t think parties like this are anyone’s thing. Nobody cool, anyway.’

‘Oh, I don’t know,’ Jayce said, oblivious. ‘This is a pretty swell turnout.’

Viktor cringed with quiet embarrassment for his partner, and Jinx giggled.

‘Pretty swell?’ She mimicked. ‘Dude, are you sixty?’

‘What?’ Jayce looked to Viktor for support. ‘People still say swell, right? Young people…?’

Viktor shrugged, helpless to stop Jayce from digging his hole. A small smirk brightened his wan face and made his eyes twinkle even brighter.

Ah, if only he wasn’t gay and didn’t have terrible taste in men… they could’ve had fun together. But Jayce and his assholery stifled Viktor’s allure. Boring.

She bowed out of their chat and meandered further down the garden.

Where the path ended, bordered by hedgerow, stood a stone archway laced with creeping ivy and purple clematis. She crossed its threshold into a pristinely mowed stretch of grass. A cherry blossom tree grew at its centre. The pink hues. Beautiful.

Leaning against the rough stone, she slumped down until her bum hit damp grass with a light plonk. After another, much-needed Shimmer boost, she gazed up at the cherry blossom as it swayed and danced. Pinks and reds and whites swirled with the harsh yellow of the afternoon sun and the crisp blue of the sky.

Zooming in like a camera, she tried to focus on one blossom at a time. She’d return to the party, as soon as she’d captured and counted every tiny blossom in sight.

‘Hey, have you guys seen Jinx?’

God fucking dammit, Vi.

‘Down there,’ Jayce said.

In typical Vi fashion, she steamed ahead to find her sister, not stopping to wonder if said sister actually wanted to be found. The thud of footsteps grew louder and louder, then stopped altogether. A shadow loomed.

With a frustrated groan, Jinx took a long drag of her cigarette.

Here goes nothing.

‘Hey, sis,’ Jinx drawled and glanced up at Vi. Held out her cigarette as a token of good will.

‘Uh huh.’

Okay, Vi was angry. Understandable. Still took the olive branch, though.

She scratched at her temple. Sank one tattooed hand into the pocket of her tailored trousers, while the other brought the cigarette to her lips and held it there. She inhaled. Stepped in front of Jinx, blocking her view of the tree. Exhaled a plume of dark grey smoke.

‘Thanks.’ Vi handed the little death stick back to its owner. ‘I needed that.’

Jinx’s fingers grazed her sister’s calloused knuckles. She took another drag.

Vi hovered, watching over her. Discomfort lodged in her spine and made her shiver.

Breathing nicotine felt like air. Like nothing. She wanted more Shimmer but if Vi ever saw her using again…

Her collection of well-tuned defence mechanisms battled for dominance. Which would the wheel of her brain land on? Avoidance? Aggression? A sycophantic need for acceptance? All to play for.

‘Look at you in that suit,’ she praised. Okay, so, sycophantic need for acceptance. ‘Lil Serrie’s gotcha looking sharp.’

‘Lil Serrie?’ Vi shook her head and scoffed. ‘Would it kill you to say something nice?’

‘…didn’t I just pay you a compliment?’ Uh-oh. Aggression, standing by.

‘Yeah, at my fiancée’s expense.’ Vi paced on the spot. Flecks of soil and grass flew into Jinx’s lap.

She let the dirt sit there. She deserved it. Bury her alive and she wouldn’t have fought.

‘Come on,’ Vi urged. ‘This is an engagement party. Can’t you be happy for me?’

‘Happy for you?’ Jinx didn’t understand. ‘Because you found someone else to cling to?’

‘You don’t have to word it like that.’

‘Alright.’ She searched for something else to say. Something honest. ‘I don’t feel happy for you.’ Stubby cigarette between her lips, she breathed deep for the last hit. Relished in the heat of the smoke in her lungs and at the back of her throat. ‘I don’t feel anything, one way or the other.’ She exhaled hard and tossed the butt to the grass. Stomped it out with her boot. ‘Better?’

Vi snorted. Maybe Jinx’s answer wasn’t good enough, but it was the truth.

‘All I know about your relationship with Seraphine is that she somehow convinced you to wear a suit today,’ Jinx elaborated. ‘You look cute together, sure, but so did you and the C-word, so… doesn’t mean much.’

Vi flinched at the reference to Caitlyn. ‘What was that back there?’ She asked, tonguing her cheek in frustration. ‘That fucking stunt you pulled. What was that?’

‘What stunt?’

‘Is it because Caitlyn’s here?’ Vi demanded. ‘You don’t have to be around her if you don’t want. I told you that. It’s a big house. You could’ve just walked away.’

‘…isn’t that what I did?’

‘Sure, yeah, in the rudest way possible.’ Vi’s pacing increased; fists clenched in the bowels of her pockets. ‘Cait stuck up for you back there. And not for the first time, by the way. But you still treated her like the goddamn plague.’

Not for the first time? ‘What d’you mean?’

‘I mean you treat her like garbage, even when she’s the only person sticking up for you!’ Vi said. Yelled, actually. ‘Caitlyn correcting someone on your name at a party is a drop in the fucking ocean. She’s had your back more often than you know… mostly against me.’ Her expression fractured with shame.

Okay, too much. Stop. Stop talking about Caitlyn. Please stop.

‘You don’t get on as people?’ Vi persisted. ‘Fine. But she’s always respected you, and you’ve never done her the same courtesy. Even now. You can’t stomach being in the same room as her. Just had to make it a big deal and storm off, didn’t you!?’

‘Sheesh!’ A low chuckle rattled through Jinx’s ribcage. ‘Guess I’m the villain here, huh?’ Her aggression put on its marching boots, and out into battle it went. ‘And then there’s you: Vi, the White Knight… Defending Caitlyn’s honour like that, anyone’d think you were still married.’

‘Jinx,’ Vi warned, puppy dog face ready to bite. ‘Don’t.’

‘Don’t what?’

Unleashing a wide grin that didn’t reach her eyes, she stared up at her sister. A challenge. If Vi dared to stare back, Jinx would see her sister’s conflicting tenderness for Caitlyn and the love she’d lost. The love Seraphine, with all her sweet smiles and naïve sentiments, could never replace. In turn, Vi would see Jinx’s Shimmer eyes. The failure they held.

Vi looked away. Challenge lost.

‘I’m only pointing out the facts,’ Jinx said. ‘Seraphine was in that kitchen, just like Caitlyn, yet whose defence did White Knight Vi instantly jump to?’

‘Jinx.’ Vi said her name like a broken prayer. ‘Stop.’

‘Not your precious fiancée’s,’ she pouted. ‘Nope. You’re still stuck on Caitlyn… Caitlyn, Caitlyn, Caitlyn.’

‘Stop!’

‘Why? Because I’m right?’

‘No. You’re wrong.’

‘Whatever you say, sis.’

She leaned back, gazed up at the cherry blossoms. They framed Vi’s head like a halo. Like her sister was an angel.

Angel. Caitlyn called Jinx that. Like she didn’t know her at all. Jinx was so fucking far from angelic. And she could prove it.

‘Did you know there used to be a pool out here?’ A cruel delight bubbled at the back of her throat. ‘Pretty sure your Serrie first went down on me by that pool…’ She narrowed her eyes at the pained frown creasing Vi’s face. ‘What a memory, huh?’

A lie. She remembered no such thing, just wanted to see Vi’s reaction when she said it. You know. Because she was such an angel.

With sombre eyes and a clenched jaw, brewing with fury, Vi looked Jinx dead on.

‘Are you…’ Vi glared. ‘Are you high right now?’

And there it was, that all-important question, at long fucking last.

No point denying it. Someone needed to see. Someone who might’ve tried to stop her. Shame it had to be Vi. But Vi was her big sister. She cared… right?

Maybe, if she told Vi how she felt, how she’d spiralled in the past months, Vi could help her get back on track? She’d force her to go cold turkey on the drugs and drag her back to Heimerdinger, and everything would be okay. Sure, it wouldn’t be easy, but she wanted to get better. Vi could help her get better, couldn’t she?

‘Guess the cat’s out of the bag.’ Jinx played it careless, but Vi would see. Vi would see her act, and she would know, and she would help. ‘Did you really think I’d survive this party sober?’

‘Wow, I, I can’t…’ Vi’s tone flatlined, icy and detached. ‘I can’t believe this.’

Her nostrils flared in anguish. Hands flew to her head, clawed at her hair, messed it up, nearly ripped it out. Typical Vi meltdown. The only thing missing was violence. Vi liked to break stuff. Plates, chairs, noses. Whatever her fists found first.

‘I can’t put up with that shit again.’ Vi’s voice shrivelled into hopelessness, gearing towards an explosion. ‘I can’t… I can’t.’

Jinx brought her knees to her chest and cradled herself.

‘It’s not gonna be like before,’ she tried to argue. A pathetic, futile sentiment. ‘Things’re… weird for me… right now.’ Her voice sounded brittle, like she had a chest infection. ‘I… I need help…’

‘Save it. I don’t wanna hear it.’ Vi lowered her hands to her sides and half-snickered with scorn. ‘It’s always the same with you.’

Before Jinx could utter another word, Vi left. Off to find a good place to sulk and work off her temper.

Jinx cackled at the sight. Vi, twenty-nine going on twelve, brooding at her own damn party. Abandoning her troubled little sister for the umpteenth time. Vander would’ve been so proud. What a fighter. Ha! The more jarring and upsetting the moment became, the more erratic Jinx’s giggling fit. Tears flew down her cheeks as she belted out furious, broken rasps of twisted glee.

Time to go home. Avoidance. The only real choice all along. There was nothing left for her there but more of the same bullshit. Never should’ve gone in the first place.

She tore up the path, scanning the green for an easier exit. A high fence surrounded the garden, blocking it off form the street out front. The only way out was through. Fuck.

She leapt onto the veranda, skipping the steps. Her legs itched with adrenaline. Cheeks flared hot. Braids whipped at her back.

The revellers inside chuckled and drank and slow-danced like everything was fine. Like there wasn’t a tornado ripping its way through them.

She pinched another drink. Something dark and carbonated left idle by the buffet table, next to a bowl of cheese puffs. Cheese puffs at a stuck-up event like that? Vi had some sway, after all. She grabbed a handful. Stuffed them into her mouth and downed the drink. Wood smoke and syrupy soda flooded her tongue. Whisky and coke. Not her favourite, but it did the trick. Satiated, she carried on through the throng.

The room seemed smaller. Packed to the gills. Were there more people or was she more out of it? Her breaths came quick and tight. Couldn’t inhale enough air to make a difference. Stumbling through the fog of faces and bodies, she clutched at her chest.

Shimmer. She needed Shimmer. But she couldn’t focus. Couldn’t escape. Couldn’t remember where the exit was.

‘Jinx?’ Ekko. Where had he come from? ‘Jinx? Hey. Look at me.’

She did as he asked. Focused on the walnut brown of his eyes. The shock of peroxide in his brows and locs. The warmth of his face, the kindness held there.

Boy Saviour to the rescue, like old times.

She glanced down at the rest of him. Huh. He hadn’t worn a suit. Classic Ekko. His oversized t-shirt and jeans with chains hanging off them stood out just as much as she did. Thank fuck. He felt like home. Like the real Zaun. She leaned into him, letting him support most of her weight.

‘I’ve got you,’ he said. ‘You’re having a panic attack, but you’re going to be okay.’

He lay his hands flat on her shoulders. Him and his grounding techniques. Her own, shaking hands found his forearms and squeezed. Muscle and bone held firm beneath her grip.

‘Try to steady your breathing. In… out. In… out.’

The party dissolved into background static as she tried to follow his lead. In through her nose, out through her mouth. Always took a while to work. Rapid breaths and tears were all she had.

Her nails dug into his arm. Must’ve hurt, but he didn’t let it show.

After a shuddery start, her breathing levelled out a bit.

‘Good,’ he said. ‘You’re doing good.’

She kept on. Measured breaths.

He guided her away from the crowd, into an empty chair. Her clunky boots poked off the edge of the seat as her body constricted around itself like a snake.

‘What happened?’ He asked, crouching to her line of sight.

Too soon. She shook her head. Couldn’t talk. Buried her face in her knees.

‘Okay,’ he said. ‘It’s gonna be okay, Jinx. Breathe… I’ve got you.’

‘Is she alright?’ A soft voice from the fray whispered. Or was it a yell?

Jinx couldn’t decipher. Probably some nosy randomer. Didn’t matter.

Breathe.

‘She will be,’ Ekko told the voice. Sounded like he knew them.

‘What’s wrong with her?’

Why did everyone always ask that?

Wait, that voice was different. Slick. Like honey.

‘Jinx?’ The first voice spoke louder. Closer to her.

‘She’ll be fine, Cait.’

Caitlyn?

Her heart rate doubled. She slapped her hands over her ears.

Not her. Not now. No, no, no, no, no, no, no—

‘Don’t crowd her,’ Ekko said. ‘She needs time… You’re here with someone?’

‘Mel Medarda, Caitlyn’s plus-one.’ Searing syrup dripped like lava into Jinx’s ears. ‘And you are?’

‘A friend of Vi’s.’ Ekko spoke with tight-fisted reservation. Animosity simmered.

Him and the upper-crust didn’t mix. He only stomached Caitlyn because of Vi, and even then, they’d had their fair share of disagreements.

‘Plus-one, huh?’

‘Platonically, of course.’ // ‘We’re just friends.’

Caitlyn and Medarda spoke in unison, spinning their little lies. They could deny it all they wanted, but Jinx knew what she saw in that kitchen. Where Medarda’s hands freely roamed. Friends didn’t touch like that.

‘Okay, well, whoever you are, you should go. I’ve got this.’

‘Ekko—’

‘Cait, I’ve got this.’ His voice raised an octave. Resolute. Protective. ‘Enjoy the party.’

‘He’s right,’ Medarda said. ‘She’s in good hands. Come on.’

A beat passed. Then another.

‘Come on, Cait.’

‘No. No, I’m staying.’ Caitlyn really was stubborn, huh? ‘Mel, go and find Jayce and Viktor. Tell them I’ve gone home early. Shouldn’t be too hard to convince them.’

‘…what?’

‘Please.’

‘Cait—’

‘Just do it,’ Caitlyn insisted. ‘I’ll make it up to you. Lunch, or something.’

‘You’d better.’

Heels clicked away into the distant din. Only Caitlyn and Ekko left.

Why didn’t Caitlyn leave with Mel? What kept her there?

‘Let’s go.’ The words came fast and sweet.

Go? Go where? With her!?

‘What?’ Ekko asked, equally confused.

‘My house is a few minutes down the road,’ Caitlyn explained.

No, no, no.

‘It’s quiet there. No people, no stimulation.’

Oh.

‘I won’t bother her. She’ll be able to relax, be alone.’

Shimmer! Maybe even Fade and a long nap? Oh, the possibilities!

‘If she feels better later, she can easily come back here to see Vi… if she wants.’

Nope. Never again, thanks.

Ekko sighed. Loud. Unimpressed.

‘It makes more sense than taking her all the way back to The Lanes, that’s all,’ Caitlyn reasoned. ‘I’ll look after her, Ekko. You’re the one who needs to stay; you’re best man.’

Oh, sure. Caitlyn was so practical and thoughtful. Nothing in it for her. Nothing she might’ve wanted from Jinx, just the two of them in that big gross house of hers.

Did she still want her after last time? How desperate was she?

Whatever. Didn’t matter. None of it mattered. Not even Vi.

In fact, Vi topped the goddamn list of things that didn’t matter.

Was there a prize for being the worst fucking sister in the world? Was there some competition Jinx didn’t know about? How many times did Vi plan on letting her down and bailing when she needed her most? They’d hummed along to that tune for way too long. Decades. It was a fucking hobby at that point. Recreational abandonment. Drilled into her brain.

Vi left. Vi always left. Jinx thought for once she might’ve stayed. Might’ve tried. Might’ve helped. But no. Of course not. That wasn’t their song. Their song was Vi leaving.

Why did Jinx always let her go?

Sing a different song, Jinx. Sing a different song. Without Vi. Just Jinx. Alone. Carefree. High as a cloud.

As long as Jinx could get good and high once they’d left, Caitlyn could do as she pleased. Argue with her. Fuck her. Chop her up and dump her in the Pilt. Whatever the lady wished. Hell, Jinx would take requests. As long as she got what she wanted out of it.

‘Cait, I appreciate your concern for my best friend, but with the greatest of respect—’

‘I’ll go.’ Did she say that? Was that her voice? The words flew out before she thought them.

‘You’ll go?’ Ekko asked in disbelief. ‘With her…? Jinx, I can easily take you.’

‘I said I’ll go.’

She unfurled like a cat stretching awake. Stood and enveloped Ekko in the biggest goodbye hug her small arms could manage.

‘You gonna be okay?’ He worried into her hair. ‘It’s Caitlyn. Kiramman…’

‘Yeah, I know who it is,’ she snickered into his ear. ‘I’ll be fine. She’s right. Makes more sense this way.’

‘I guess, but… you really wanna go?’

Of everyone in her life, Ekko would’ve understood her reasoning even less than Vi. She couldn’t explain why she was willing to leave with the enemy. Tightened her hold around him instead.

‘You really need to stop worrying about me.’ She pulled away and squished his cheeks, just like she did when they were kids. ‘But thanks, dude… I owe you.’

‘Nah,’ he said. ‘Just answer the next time I call, okay? I miss you.’

They didn’t usually speak so openly. She didn’t know what to do with his feelings. He missed her. Okay. Why? What did he expect her to do about that? She couldn’t change. Couldn’t answer his calls or reply to his texts. Not lately. Never consistently. His feelings on the issue just seemed… redundant.

Maybe that made her heartless, or a bitch. She’d done and thought worse. Much worse. Not concerning Ekko, though. He was good to her.

She swallowed her apathy and smiled. ‘Miss you too. We’ll hang out soon.’

Did he know she didn’t mean it?

Ekko opened his mouth to reply but she left before the words came. Gathered her bearings enough to find the exit.

When Caitlyn joined her outside, Jinx studied the ground. The glare of the tarmac. The obsidian black of her boots. She couldn’t look up. Couldn’t risk the sight of Caitlyn’s face in the blinding evening sun.

They walked on.

***

‘Jinx?’

She didn’t reply. Bolted ahead. Walked and walked and walked. Too fast for Caitlyn to keep up. Not in her heels, at least.

‘Jinx, please… slow down!’

Caitlyn’s whines propelled Jinx forwards. Faster and faster.

‘Why are you constantly running or pushing me away?’

Jinx barrelled down the road like a missile cutting through the sky.

‘I just want to help you,’ Caitlyn protested. ‘Let me help you!’

‘Help me!?’ Jinx exploded with a fierce screech. Stopped still in the street and turned to confront the source of the complaints. ‘Why!? You think I need to be looked after like I’m some dumb kid?’

In her rage, she dared to look at that face. The low-hanging sun obscured most of it, but Caitlyn’s lips remained visible, open, imploring mercy.

Caitlyn moved forward a few paces, out of the light’s path, and the rest of her features came clear. Jinx couldn’t look away, but she wanted to. Needed to.

‘No,’ Caitlyn urged. ‘Of course not, I—’

‘I can take care of myself,’ Jinx spat. ‘Been doing it since I was eighteen.’ Since they took Silco away. ‘Didn’t need anybody back then, and I sure as shit don’t now. Especially not you.’

‘I, I didn’t mean—’

‘Save it. We both know the real reason you swept in tonight. Taking me back to your place because it’s so close by?’ She snorted in disgust. ‘You’re pathetic.’

Jinx spun back around and resumed her strides. Caitlyn’s footsteps followed, more quickly this time, a fresh determination in her gait.

‘If that’s what you think, why agree to come with me?’

Jinx smirked at the question. ‘I dunno. Maybe I’m pathetic too? Maybe I don’t give a fuck?’

‘Bullshit.’

‘Bullshit!?’ She bit. Venom laced her tongue as she looked back at Caitlyn once again.

The gap between them grew smaller and smaller. Part of her ached to close it completely. To pull Caitlyn in by her neck and break it. Break her, like she’d broken Jinx.

‘You wanna know what’s really bullshit, Caitlyn? Your totally platonic plus-one. You and Mel Medarda are just friends, huh?’

‘We are just friends.’

‘Stop lying!’

‘I’m not!’

‘You were eye-fucking each other all night! She touched your back like she fucking owned you, and you only moved away when you saw me standing there. Caught in the act.’

‘The act? What act!?’

Oh, Jinx needed to get a proper glimpse of Caitlyn’s face. How it distorted and crumpled and lied, lied, lied. She needed to see it in vivid detail.

In a flash of speed, she lunged forwards, leaving just a few inches between their panting bodies. Caitlyn’s heavy breath ruffled the stray hairs on Jinx’s face. Her dark blue eyes shone, nervous and determined and furious. Her lips puckered, ready to fight.

‘Jinx, I don’t know what you think you saw, but—’

‘I told you. She touched you!’

Her hands moved in sync with her words and reached out, grabbed onto Caitlyn’s shoulders. The elastic straps of that killer mauve dress and the warmth of Caitlyn’s skin sizzled beneath her fingertips.

She flinched. Pulled away before she could adjust to the sensation. Met Caitlyn’s questioning gaze. Blinked off into the distance.

‘Sometimes friends are tactile with each other,’ Caitlyn reasoned. With a shiver, she wrapped her arms around her torso. ‘It doesn’t have to mean anything.’

‘And when we—’ Shut up, Jinx. Shut up. ‘Did that mean anything?’

‘…how can you ask me that?’ Caitlyn’s voice splintered. Wounded.

Good. She wanted Caitlyn to feel just as lost and hurt as she did.

‘I’m just a little confused, Cait,’ Jinx pressed, callous and taunting and insistent. ‘Which touches mean what? How many of your other so-called friends are all over you like that? I can tell you my answer. None. People don’t touch me intimately like that unless I’m fucking them.’

‘And Ekko?’ Caitlyn countered. Her words brimmed with a calm self-assurance. ‘When he held you… was that not intimate?’

‘That’s different.’

‘Is it? I don’t think so.’

‘He’s my best friend and I was having a panic attack.’

‘I know,’ Caitlyn maintained. ‘You needed support, and he was there to help you, to comfort you… what you witnessed with Mel was the exact same thing.’

Jinx’s head spun. Caitlyn could play her like a violin. She felt insane. She knew what she saw in that kitchen.

‘Liar!’ She screamed. ‘Why the fuck are you lying about this!? Just admit it!’

‘It’s the truth, Jinx. I’m not lying.’ Caitlyn stepped closer. Too close. Not close enough. ‘But even if I was dating Mel, why would you care?’

‘I wouldn’t.’ Her voice cracked.

‘No?’ Caitlyn half-smirked. ‘You’re not jealous then?’

‘Of Mel stuck-up bitch Medarda?’ Jinx’s mocking tone had nobody fooled. ‘As if,’ she added sheepishly.

Caitlyn snickered and bridged their distance even further. Took hold of the lapels on Jinx’s jacket, stared down at the leather in her grip and smiled.

‘I didn’t want to go tonight. I thought going with Mel—a friend—might help. I told her how shitty and weird I felt about it. She reassured me…’

Caitlyn’s tentative hands slipped under Jinx’s jacket. Clammy against Jinx’s skin, they slithered over the ridge of her collarbone, up to her neck.

She couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t think. Only feel. Hot, sticky feelings. She burnt up in Caitlyn’s orbit. A fever ignited her skin, obliterated her senses. Heat and discomfort were all she had left. She wanted to run away and never look back, but Caitlyn kept her still, transfixed.

‘In the kitchen,’ Caitlyn continued. ‘What you saw… Mel sensed my discomfort at the topic of conversation and reached out to help me through it.’

She cupped Jinx’s face like it was porcelain. Delicate and breakable and precious. Fingers ghosted over her jawline, hovered over her cheeks. Eyes darted between lips and pupils.

‘A friend supporting a friend… that’s all it was.’

‘And then?’ Jinx gulped. ‘When you saw me, you didn’t even react. You didn’t… you didn’t care.’

‘Jinx, I was in shock.’ Resentment flickered beneath Caitlyn’s mask of composure. She applied more pressure to the pads of her fingertips, holding Jinx’s face with more force, more gumption. ‘I had no idea you’d be there. It’s been six months. Six months since…’

Caitlyn didn’t complete her sentence, but Jinx got the gist.

‘Since the biggest mistake of your life.’ She gritted her teeth in a mad grin. ‘Must’ve been a really rough time for you, crying on Mel Medarda’s perfect golden shoulder.’

‘That’s not…’ Caitlyn’s eyes emptied. ‘It’s been hell.’

‘So dramatic,’ Jinx drawled. ‘Why? Can’t live with yourself knowing you fucked Vi’s crazy little sister?’

‘Oh, the guilt over Vi has been the easy part, believe me!’

Caitlyn lowered her hands, away from Jinx’s face. Not ready to lose contact, Jinx locked their fingers together and brought Caitlyn back to her. Held her hands fixed to her cheeks, so tight it might’ve bruised. Edging a fraction closer, Jinx tilted up on her tippy toes and bumped their noses together. Caitlyn shuddered and leaned into the embrace, closed her eyes.

‘And the hard part?’ Jinx muttered.

‘Take a wild guess.’

‘Tell me.’

‘We connected, Jinx.’ Caitlyn’s voice wobbled. Her eyes flickered back open. ‘Then you disappeared, and I didn’t know why. I still don’t know.’

How could Jinx describe it? Show Caitlyn the fucking DSM-5 and highlight all the relevant sections? Her myriad issues weren’t easy to explain, even if Caitlyn had a vague grasp on a few of them. In that moment, Jinx had neither the mental capacity nor the resolve to fill in the blanks or accept accountability for her fuck-up. Whether Caitlyn liked it or not, that conversation had to come later.

‘What did you mean?’ Caitlyn’s voice tremored, her lips shaking on the cusp of tears. ‘All those things you said to me before I left… what did you mean?’

‘I don’t have the words.’ She sighed. Twirled Caitlyn’s silky ponytail round and round in her idle fingers. ‘It’s complicated. Bad brain shit, y’know?’

‘Yeah. I know.’ For a second, Caitlyn’s gaze darted to Jinx’s lips. ‘Do you ever think about it…? That night.’

Their eyes met, willing the other to be gentle and honest.

‘…all the time,’ Jinx whispered.

A few tears broke the threshold of Caitlyn’s tight-lined lashes and rolled down her cheeks, clashing with her understated make-up.

‘Same,’ Caitlyn sniffed.

‘…do you think about me when you’re fucking Medarda?’ The question landed on the flirtatious side of sarcastic. Jinx chuckled, hoping Caitlyn would see the funny side before more tears fell.

‘Again: just friends,’ Caitlyn insisted for the hundredth time. But it did the trick. Suppressing laughter of her own, Caitlyn leant down and bumped Jinx’s nose again.

Their lips grazed slightly on impact. Jinx swallowed a moan at the full-body tingle that followed, fighting the urge to pounce and devour.

Out in the open like that, anyone could’ve walked past and seen them. People heading home from the party… Vi. Anyone.

She stepped back, reinstating personal space. Smiled meekly as Caitlyn’s face fell.

‘I almost told her, actually… about us,’ Caitlyn confessed.

‘Medarda? Why?’

‘I thought it might help.’ Caitlyn sidled up to the nearby hedgerow separating the street from someone’s front drive. Leant against the wall of tiny leaves and tiny branches. ‘I thought… maybe she’d understand and have some advice. I don’t know… something to help me sleep a bit better at night.’

‘Her pussy doesn’t help?’

‘Dear god, will these jokes never end?’

‘Who said they were jokes?’

‘They bloody better be!’

Caitlyn pushed away from the hedge. Swung her arms out wide and began pacing up and down the patch of street.

Jinx scoffed, digesting Caitlyn’s little outburst. Why did the concept of her and Mel hooking up bother her so much? If anyone should’ve been bothered, it was Jinx. But Caitlyn? Guilty conscience?

‘Why didn’t you tell Mel about us?’ Jinx had to ask. ‘Were you ashamed?’

‘No.’ Caitlyn folded her arms with another wave of hostility. Kept pacing. ‘We agreed. It’s no one else’s business.’

‘Right, so, you didn’t tell anyone?’

‘No one… Did you?’

‘Technically,’ she grimaced like a naughty school kid. ‘But my therapist doesn’t count.’

‘Your therapist,’ Caitlyn nodded in relief. ‘Of course.’

‘Who the fuck else would I have told?’ Jinx balked. ‘Have a little trust.’

‘Sorry, but it’s impossible to know with you sometimes.’ In contemplation, Caitlyn paused her steps. Stroked her hands over her smooth, slicked back hair. Held them in place above her head. ‘What did your therapist say?’

Staring at the armpits and side-boob on display, Jinx malfunctioned. Imagined burying her face in that flank of skin, biting down on the soft flesh and hard muscle. Her teeth would leave a red mark, glistening with saliva, spoiling the pallid landscape like blood on snow.

What did Heimerdinger say? Fuck, she couldn’t even remember her own damn name.

‘Sorry, I forgot.’ Caitlyn’s hands returned to her hips; trance broken. ‘No therapy talk.’

‘Oh… right…’ Jinx shook out her limbs. Bit her lips instead of Caitlyn’s body. ‘Well, doesn’t matter, anyway,’ she chuckled darkly. ‘I stopped going.’

‘Jinx.’

Caitlyn moved in closer again, reaching out for another embrace. Like all their problems could be solved by touching each other.

It didn’t work like that. Some issues could never be fixed.

‘Don’t.’ Jinx backed away, teetering on the kerb. ‘Don’t get all concerned and annoying. I’m fine.’

‘Yeah, you seem it.’

‘Ugh! If we’ve circled back to the whole wanting-to-help-me schtick, don’t fucking bother. You don’t know me, Caitlyn! Why the fuck d’you think you can help me!?’

Why was she still entertaining this? She needed Fade and a long bath, not the headache of a night spent one on one with this insufferable woman.

Once they reached the house, there’d be no chance to slink away, no alone time like Caitlyn had promised. They’d fall into bed and fuck until they passed out, or worse, stay up until dawn talking about their fucking feelings. The signs were all there. Desire and scrutiny manifested in sour words, blistering eye contact and enduring touches. A heady craving to consume and pick each other apart until only bones remained.

The road to Caitlyn’s only led to mistakes and pain. Before they left the party, Jinx thought she wanted it, or that she didn’t care, but the crisp evening air sobered her enough to make her doubt.

Maybe she’d call a cab and head home? Or walk? A couple hours’ exercise might’ve worked off the aching urge swimming low in her belly, teasing and wetting her core. Caitlyn sent her body into overdrive, chaotic and frenzied.

She needed calm. Quiet. Her own bed for the night. Her own space.

She shoved past Caitlyn. Tried to picture the route back to her apartment and block out the hurt and betrayal dashed across that beautiful Piltie face. Fuck. She had to pass the house, there was no other way. Unless she scaled the roofs and leapfrogged over the houses and buildings, there was no shortcut.

Wait, could she…? She’d always had a knack for climbing. Hmm. Maybe if she jacked up on Shimmer first? It would certainly make her bold enough to try.

Tempting… But nah. Jumping over the tops of buildings? Sounded like something from a fucking videogame. Whatever. She’d take her chances on the ground; couldn’t avoid it.

Onwards bound, right foot hovering mid-air, Caitlyn grabbed her wrist. Forced her to stay.

‘Okay,’ Caitlyn asserted. A tired rasp tugged at her voice.

‘Okay…?’

‘You’re right. I can’t help you.’

Caitlyn let go, and Jinx’s wrist flopped to her side. Free to run, she remained rooted.

She wanted to leave. Why the fuck couldn’t she leave?

‘But I care, Jinx. I care about you.’

Caitlyn cared? Even after Jinx fucked up. Had she forgiven her?

How much did she care? If Jinx ran, would she follow? Would she take off her heels and sprint barefoot across Zaun? If she saw Jinx getting high, would she stop her? Judge her? Storm off like Vi?

How far did that care extend? What could break it?

‘Please,’ Caitlyn urged. ‘Don’t push me away. Not again.’

‘Maybe I can’t help it? Ever think of that?’

‘No. You have more self-control than that.’

‘I really, really don’t.’

‘You can practice.’ God, Caitlyn really believed her own bullshit, didn’t she? ‘You can try. If you want to.’

‘Who’s to say I want to?’ Hands in her jacket pockets and a nasty scowl on her face, Jinx stepped into Caitlyn’s personal space. ‘Maybe I want nothing to do with you.’

‘Maybe.’ Caitlyn raised a sceptical brow, not intimidated in the least. ‘And maybe I’m fucking Mel.’

‘Why would you say that!?’ Jinx’s mouth fell open in shock at Caitlyn’s cruelty. She balled her fists and clenched her toes. She felt like a toddler throwing a tantrum.

‘Because it’s equally fucking ridiculous!’ Caitlyn laughed, shrill and abrupt.

‘What!?’

‘I swear to Janna, look at us, Jinx! What the fuck are we doing, arguing in the middle of the street like a couple of wankers!?’

‘Wankers? Speak for yourself.’ A new wind of sarcastic asshole ripped through her. She giggled, short and sharp. ‘…or not. I guess Mel’s been a real help in that area.’

‘Fucking hell!’ Caitlyn doubled over in a throaty cackle, hands on her knees. ‘I missed this. I actually missed this!’ The stream of chuckles continued as she straightened back up and started pacing again. ‘What the fuck is wrong with me?’

‘What d’you want? A list?’

‘What do I want?’ Caitlyn mimicked. ‘Well, I don’t fucking want Mel, for starters!’

‘You don’t?’ Jinx didn’t believe it. ‘You have eyes, right? They work?’

‘Shut the fuck up! Yes, they work!’

Jinx held her hands up in surrender. ‘Just asking.’

‘They work,’ Caitlyn repeated. Took a second to level out her breathing. ‘You just… you have no idea what they see.’ She clutched her hands to her head again. Squeezed her skull. Her gaze stuck on Jinx; eyed her up and down. ‘You haven’t got a clue, have you?’

Jinx couldn’t stand it. Looked back at her boots. ‘…about?’

‘About me! About how I feel!’

‘I’m sensing anger.’

‘Oh, my fucking god, I could strangle you! You’re infuriating, did you know that!?’

‘It’s been said.’

‘You are. You’re the most annoying person I’ve ever met! You’re intolerable, rude, thoughtless, reckless… You treat everyone around you like pieces of shit!’

‘I know.’

Jinx throbbed at Caitlyn’s words. That ol’ degradation kink, working its magic. She glanced back up. Studied the blind fury and unquestionable lust of Caitlyn’s dilated, shaking pupils, flushed cheeks, neck and chest aflame. A wide grin bloomed.

‘And yet, you missed me.’ The grin became a breezy laugh.

‘Oh, I wish I didn’t!’ Caitlyn wailed.

Jinx’s laughter receded to silence. There was Caitlyn, offloading all this pain and frustration, and Jinx got off on it. God, she was such a fucked-up asshole.

‘I wish I didn’t miss you!’ Caitlyn continued. ‘I wish… I wish that just one day during these past six months wasn’t wasted on missing you.’ Ouch. ‘Fuck it, one hour. One minute… You’re all I’ve thought about.’

‘…why?’ Jinx fractured. Not quite there, not anymore.

‘Because I like you, you complete and utter dickhead!’

‘Caitlyn.’ A helpless snicker passed Jinx’s lips. She hugged her arms tight around her torso. Stared back down at her boots and the concrete below, more reluctant to look at that face than ever before. ‘You’re supposed to be smarter than that.’

‘Well, I’m not!’

‘Clearly.’

Fuck, she really needed to leave. Go. Just fucking go.

‘See, now, this would be the part where you say you like me back, you know… so I don’t feel like such an idiot.’

Move! ‘Yeah…’ Fucking move! Get out of there!

Jinx took one last glance at Caitlyn’s face, marred by tears. The water made her eyes infinitely bluer. They dazzled like crystals. Like the sea at sunrise reflecting light.

Her fingers itched to wipe the tears away, but the rest of her wailed and howled in protest.

She’s too perfect. Don’t do this again. Don’t ruin her. Just go!

Numbness welcomed her like a friend. She looked towards the road. The way back to herself.

Go home. Get safe. Get high. Forget this ever happened.

And so, she did. She walked so fast she almost sprinted. Caitlyn’s cries died with the distance.

The second she could, she filled her tub with hot water and her brain with Fade. She didn’t want to feel. Didn’t want to remember. Didn’t want to exist.

Asleep in the sanctuary of an endless bath, her head emptied to all but a few vital memories.

Her mother’s laugh… Vi’s piggy back rides… the warming tobacco of Silco’s cigars… Caitlyn’s infinite blue.

11 notes · View notes

heroinejinx · 2 years ago

Text

‘I’m nothing if not self-aware.’ - Advices and Vices, part 4 of ? (CaitJinx Modern AU)

AO3 link

Okay, this chapter got a bit dark, and you should probably expect things to get darker before they can improve :(

TW: mature content - themes of BPD & complex PTSD, explicit drug use

(4,237 words)

Doctor Heimerdinger’s office had changed drastically in the time that Jinx had been his patient. She liked to round off each session by gifting him a little drawing, usually scribbled in biro while she waffled out a stream of consciousness and he listened attentively. It had become a ritual of sorts. The wall behind his tweed armchair, in which he sat every time, transformed from a bland, blank slate, to a glorious smorgasbord of silly sketches. She looked upon them with pride. Each doodle held a memory. Like the one of him as a fluffy Pomeranian-human-hybrid, the one that started it all. She just couldn’t help it; his short stature and excessive facial hair sent her imagination into overdrive.

Plus, after their first few sessions, she realised she couldn’t talk about anything of substance without the distraction. He accepted it for what it was and allowed her to continue uninhibited.

Most other professionals she’d seen over the years weren’t so kind. In fact, they’d all given up on her after just a few weeks. People with her particular concoction of issues rarely lasted in therapy, but Heimy was a little trooper. It made him precious to her. Made her feel understood. Fortnight after fortnight, she spewed out the darkest, ugliest parts of her, and thanks to him, she barely felt self-conscious about it anymore.

The Caitlyn thing, though… that had proven trickier to navigate.

‘How are you today, Jinx?’ Heimerdinger enquired as they both made themselves comfortable.

His moustache flopped when he spoke, and she held back a giggle.

He asked the same thing in the same tone every time; this outwardly banal question with layers of inner meaning. The predictability of it eased her into the session, like dipping her toes into a hot bath before submerging her body. Another ritual of theirs, she supposed.

Did he have the same approach with his other patients, the same ritual, or did he switch up depending on the vibe of the individual? Asking him would’ve crossed a line, but she often wondered.

There were tonnes of questions she wished she could ask him, but patients weren’t supposed to form those kinds of attachments. He wasn’t there as a friend. He wasn’t meant to matter to her as much as he did.

‘Scale of one to ten?’ He prompted.

‘Uhhh…’ She weighed her answer carefully. ‘Like, a five.’

‘A five?’ He arched a bushy brow and jotted something down in his notebook. ‘Why’s that?’

‘It’s an average day for me, I guess,’ she said. ‘Not really feeling one way or the other, just… slap bang in the middle.’

‘Well, that’s a positive step,’ he replied. ‘One up from last week’s four.’

‘Yep,’ she grinned.

‘What’s changed over these past two weeks that might’ve balanced things out for you?’

‘I dunno,’ she said. ‘I guess I just, um… I’m still numb, but I guess I’m used to it now, y’know?’

‘Alright,’ he said. ‘Talk me through that.’

‘What? The numbness?’

‘Yes, if you please.’

Her hands itched for something to do. She stretched and shook them out, balled them into fists, clicked her knuckles.

‘Here.’ Heimerdinger retrieved a black pen and a stack of multicoloured post-it notes from his desk drawer and handed them to her. ‘Idle hands, as they say.’

‘Thanks,’ she smiled and quickly graced the top post-it with a squiggly line to make sure the pen worked. Success. She had no idea what to draw, but…

‘Do continue when you’re ready,’ he encouraged.

She tore off the ruined post-it and started afresh. Tapped her pen to conjure thought. It cleared her mind a little, enough to speak.

‘I feel nothing,’ she said. ‘But I know it’s not a real nothing. It’s a lie.’

‘A lie?’

‘Yeah,’ she nodded shortly. ‘To stop it hurting when I think about it.’ Every hit of the pen against the paper reverberated in her mind. ‘It’s all I think about.’ She couldn’t even think of what to draw. All she could think about was it. ‘That night. I keep replaying everything that happened… I care, y’know, I just conned myself into believing otherwise. I split.’

‘Why do you think you had a splitting episode, Jinx?’

‘We’ve covered this.’

‘I know,’ he said. ‘But I’m curious to hear today’s answer.’

‘Okay, uh…’ What the fuck could she say on the subject that she hadn’t already? ‘Same as before, I guess. I have this belief, this fear, that people are gonna leave me. Everyone I know. Even you, even though you’re paid to be in my life. It’s not logical, like, at all, but I can’t shake it… I think when Caitlyn and I were, y’know, playing around, it triggered that fear, so I just…’

She shook her head. Ashamed.

‘At the time, a part of me knew what was happening, but I couldn’t stop it. One second, I looked at Caitlyn and I saw this… this dangerously sexy, beautiful woman in my bed… and I adored her. I felt vulnerable with her. Like I could be myself. And the next thing I knew, I couldn’t stand to be around her anymore.’

A frown formed at the memory.

‘The thought, the fear, that I’m a bad person, that I’d be bad for Caitlyn, that being with me would hurt her, it just… I freaked out and devalued the whole thing… to protect myself, I guess, because… Because if I’m so terrible, hurting her is inevitable, right? And if I hurt her, she’ll leave me, and then I’ll get hurt too, so… might as well get there first while it’s in my control.’

‘Hmm… some excellent insight, Jinx,’ Heimerdinger assured.

‘Well, I’m nothing if not self-aware,’ she joked, but it didn’t land.

‘Quite,’ he said. ‘And a different answer from last time, too.’

‘It was?’

‘Absolutely,’ he said. ‘You’ve never described what you experience as fear, nor as illogical, before. Why the change, do you think?’

‘Because it’s stupid,’ she huffed. ‘My brain’s stupid; it’s a clusterfuck. It’s all raw emotion and trauma, constant fear. Nothing fucking logical occurs in here—’ she tapped a finger to her temple— ‘unless it’s engineering-related.’

Heimerdinger gave a short grin. ‘How might a more logical, less intimidating, approach to the situation look for you?’

‘Fuck if I know,’ she said. ‘Caitlyn’s never gonna forgive me for how I treated her, and why should she? I don’t… I don’t think there’s really a situation to go back to.’

‘What if she’s already forgiven you?’

‘Pfft,’ she said. ‘No way; she’s too stubborn for that. Plus, she hasn’t texted or called. Don’t you think she would’ve by now?’

‘Maybe she’s waiting for you to reach out first? To be vulnerable with her again.’

‘Nah,’ Jinx dismissed.

She couldn’t afford to entertain that idea for a second longer than she already had. The thought that one simple sorry could’ve squashed the issue while Caitlyn was still in her bed all those months ago was too much to take.

‘She wants nothing to do with me,’ she insisted. ‘I fucked it up. It’s done.’

‘Well, Jinx,’ Heimerdinger considered, ‘shoe on the other foot, would you forgive her?’

‘I dunno,’ she said. ‘Maybe... if she grovelled.’

With a groan, she dropped her pen and her head fell between her hands.

‘I know what you’re gonna say,’ she chuckled in despair, staring at the minuscule fibres of the neon pink post-it. ‘We’re all worthy of forgiveness, Jinx. Even weird goblins like you. And then, I’ll say, aww, Heimy, that’s so sweet, but we both know I’m a particularly gruesome case.’

Heimerdinger spared a gruff snicker for Jinx’s little show.

‘See, Heimy,’ she dropped the act as she continued. ‘Nobody forgives a Jinx.’

‘I’m not so sure that’s true,’ he countered. ‘Perhaps if you gave Caitlyn the opportunity, the outcome would surprise you.’

‘Yeah. It’d be worse.’

‘You can’t know that Jinx, no one can,’ he said softly. ‘What’s stopping you from finding out, one way or the other?’

‘You’re the therapist; you tell me.’

‘Psychiatrist,’ he corrected.

‘Same diff.’

‘What’s stopping you, Jinx?’ He repeated the question, pressing for a non-sarcastic answer.

‘Duh,’ she huffed. ‘I’m terrified.’

‘What might you lose?’

Nothing. Everything.

‘Or, conversely, what might you stand to gain?’

What might she gain…? What did she even want to gain?

It was pointless. She and Caitlyn would never have worked, not with all their history. Better to write her off as a stranger and get on with her life.

Except, she couldn’t. At all. Three fucking months since their night together and she hadn’t gotten on with a single fucking thing.

‘Relationships are a daunting voyage to embark upon,’ Heimerdinger pondered. ‘There are few things in life more painful than rejection, romantic or otherwise, and yet it’s part of the human experience to pine for such connections… to pine for the things, the people, that have the power to hurt us most.’

‘Ya don’t say, doc,’ she retorted. ‘Maybe I should become a nun, y’know? Embrace an alternative lifestyle… Get all spiritual, or whatever… Could be fun.’

An idea sparked. She picked up her pen and began drawing a cartoon nun in one of those black and white robes with the weird hats. What were those called, again? Winkles?

Wimples!

‘Mm-hmm,’ Heimerdinger hummed and twitched his nose, jotted something else down in his notebook. He always did that. ‘And might this… alternative lifestyle you speak of… simply be another mode of avoidance?’

‘Of fucking course, it is,’ Jinx snorted mid-sketch. ‘But what else am I supposed to do? Join the circus? Go travelling? Always wanted to see Demacia, I guess. Or Ionia, maybe. Could be kinda perfect, actually. I don’t know a soul in Ionia… well, I used to, but he’s probably in an asylum by now.’ She looked up at Heimerdinger and beamed. ‘Whaddaya say, Heimy? Could be a fresh start, right?’

He smiled, unconvinced.

‘Ah, but no…’ She shook her head. ‘They don’t have cuties like you in Ionia, do they?’

‘Jinx—’

‘I know, I know,’ she pouted. ‘It’s inappropriate to call you cute. Sorry.’

‘Apology accepted, thank you,’ he said, a little flustered. ‘But I was also going to remind you that issues like these aren’t so easily outrun. You can’t escape how you feel, Jinx. You need to face it.’

‘Okay, but short of getting wasted every day and moving to Ionia, I don’t know how to do that.’

‘All in good time,’ he assured. ‘You’ll get there if you do the work.’

‘Right. The work…’ She etched droopy brows and an upside-down smile onto the tiny nun. ‘All that fun work.’

‘There’s no rush,’ he said. ‘Most of the effort lies in showing up and talking with me. You’ve made a lot of progress.’

‘I had. Before.’

She scribbled over what she had drawn, turning the nun into a black void.

‘It’s not undone, Jinx. Progress doesn’t disappear after one hurdle.’

***

Jinx disappeared from therapy.

The next fortnight came and went, and she didn’t show up. Nor for the session after that, nor the session after that. If she could’ve forced herself to go, she would’ve, but every time she tried, her body disobeyed.

After that last session, something within her dislodged and burst the dam. The numbness she’d grown accustomed to became infected. It left a raw and gaping wound. She felt everything. Every tiny, torturous thing. She couldn’t confront it, couldn’t stand to talk about it anymore. If not for her daily dose of antipsychotics, she might’ve done something seriously stupid.

She just needed some time. A break from reality.

Three more months passed.

Without Heimerdinger, she had no outlet for the pain and guilt she carried around. Not just for the Caitlyn and Vi shit storm she’d created for herself, but for every mistake she’d ever made. Every person she’d ever hurt. There were too many. She couldn’t even name them all.

She sat in her apartment with her countless, nameless ghosts for company. She fed them, and they mutated beneath her skin like the larvae of a botfly, waiting to hatch and tear their way out of her.

She would’ve done anything to make them shut up, to stop feeling them move within her. Anything to get out of her head. Her nerves were fried, her brain a mess of wires she couldn’t untangle. Couldn’t wade through.

The nightmares returned, as did her old habit of supplementing her prescribed medication with shimmer to pick her up, fade to knock her out, and sex with anyone who’d have her.

Just when she thought she couldn’t feel any worse, her supply of extracurricular drugs ran dry. All she had left was weed. No more potions to help the time pass.

Fuck.

Antsy for Dustin to arrive with the goods, she trudged down to her building’s lobby, not caring to change out of her days-old pyjamas or brush out her matted braids. While she waited, she stared in a daze at the security door that led outside. The summer sun shone bright and hot, stinging her bleary eyes. She blinked away and focused elsewhere.

A pile of mail had built up in her letterbox; she hadn’t checked it in at least a few weeks. As she shuffled over to empty the overflowing pigeonhole, a tap on the door lured her away.

Dustin. Finally.

She jumped with glee and skipped across the stained linoleum floor, pressed the big green button that read ‘push to open.’ He greeted her with a sleazy grin and held up the bag of treats.

‘M’lady,’ he winked.

With a grin and a shiver of anticipation, she snatched the much-needed gear from his clutches and passed him a roll of cash. He briefly counted it and stuffed it into the pocket of his oversized hoodie.

‘Wanna come up and hang for a bit?’ She offered, not even trying to flirt. No need to expend the energy; he’d get the picture. They’d fooled around a bunch of times before.

‘Huh,’ he snickered and looked her up and down. ‘Another time.’

‘Busy day?’

‘Something like that,’ he said. ‘Later, Jinx. Have fun.’

He flipped her a peace sign and strode away. Whatever. His loss. The bounty she’d just bought was all she wanted, anyhow.

She squealed and turned back inside, stuffed the pile of letters into the bag and ran back up to her apartment with a new lease of life. Once inside with the door locked, she dug her pinkie finger into one of the baggies of glittering fuchsia shimmer and snorted the powder collected under her nail.

Fuck, she’d missed that rush. There was no feeling like it.

She spun around in an inelegant pirouette, giggling as her brain tingled and simmered. Soon, she’d be ablaze, ready to take on the world. Well, her demons, anyway.

She tossed the loot onto the coffee table and flopped giddily onto the sofa. The pile of letters eyed her, ready to be flicked through and organised. Maybe crafted into origami butterflies...

Humming a jaunty tune, she made a start: bills, bills, junk, bills, junk… Ooh, a baby pink envelope! Was it her birthday soon? She would’ve remembered that, right? What month was it?

As she opened it up and peaked inside, her heart spiked.

A pretty, floral invitation stared up at her, and there, written in fancy cursive, was the most bizarre collection of words she’d ever read:

Jinx De Sousa,

We cordially invite you to the wedding

Violet Atlas McNeill and Seraphine Song.

Her sister and her ex were getting married.

MARRIED.

Was she hallucinating?

What the fuck was going on?

Since when were they even dating? Last she knew, Seraphine had sworn herself to celibacy after one too many broken hearts (at least one of which was, admittedly, Jinx’s fault), and Vi was still in denial and refusing to sign the divorce papers. How the fuck had all of that changed in half a year?

Her limbs vibrated; teeth chattered. She slapped herself across the cheek and took another bump of shimmer.

She didn’t know if she wanted to laugh or scream or tear her hair out at the fucked-up karma of it all. Of course, Vi and Seraphine were together. After what she and Caitlyn did, it was only fair that the universe pulled such a twisted move.

But still, Vi and Seraphine, really? How did they meet? They didn’t even like the same places or activities. Sure, the lesbian community in Zaun and Piltover wasn’t huge, but there must’ve been some kind of outside influence that made them cross paths. A mutual friend, maybe?

Vi stayed at Ekko’s after the split. Were Ekko and Seraphine still friends? Could he have introduced them?

She considered texting him to find out, but then he’d try to make conversation and ask how she was and blah, blah, blah… She couldn’t handle Ekko’s concern right now. He had an uncanny knack of getting her to open up. Similar to Heimy in that way. Probably why he was her best friend. Definitely why she couldn’t stomach the thought of talking to him in her current state.

The questions wouldn’t stop bombarding her brain, fuelled by the shimmer. It had hit her harder than expected. She lit a joint to take the edge off the overstimulation.

After a deep breath and an even deeper toke, she realised what she had to do. For the first time in forever, she called her sister.

‘Powder!?’ Vi exclaimed as soon as she answered.

The choice of name made Jinx wince. Hearing Vi’s voice after so long felt like a dream, or one of her nightmares. She couldn’t decide. Maybe both.

‘Powder, is that really you? Are you okay? Are you in trouble?’

‘It’s Jinx,’ she corrected.

‘Right. Fuck—’ Vi cursed under her breath, telling herself off for the blunder.

Good. It was thoughtless.

‘Anyway, I’m fine,’ Jinx said, her tone slipping into little sister mode. ‘You don’t need to worry, I just, um…’ She tilted her head and stared sideways at the invitation strewn across the coffee table. ‘I got the invite.’

‘Oh, you did?’ Vi didn’t sound too thrilled. ‘Just now? Serrie sent them out like a month ago.’

Serrie?’ Ew.

‘It’s me, Vi,’ Jinx scoffed, half-regretting the call already. ‘I never check my mail.’

‘Right, of course you don’t,’ Vi conceded. ‘It’s all paperless and online nowadays.’

‘Yeahhhhh…’ Jinx flashed an exaggerated grimace for no one’s benefit but her own. ‘I don’t check online shit either.’

‘What? What about—’ Vi sighed heavily.

Jinx pictured her gripping the bridge of her nose and counting down from ten to calm herself, an old tactic from their childhood. A rogue giggle escaped her.

‘Heh, y’know what, doesn’t matter,’ Vi followed up. She definitely did the nose thing. ‘I’m just glad you’ve seen it. Finally.’

‘Yep,’ Jinx forced. ‘Finally.’

‘Serrie’ll be pleased, too,’ Vi said. ‘She was starting to wonder if you were ever gonna R.S.V.P.’

‘Oh, she was?’ Jinx mocked.

‘Yeah, she’s, uh… she’s excited, y’know. I mean, we both are.’

‘Uh huh. Very excitable, our Serrie.’

‘Right. She is.’

��…

‘Y’know what,’ Vi erupted into the awkward silence. ‘Now that I’ve got you on the phone, Serrie would kill me if I didn’t invite you to our party this weekend.’

‘Party?’

‘Our engagement party,’ Vi stated, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

‘You’re having an engagement party?’ Jinx balked, almost choking on her latest hit. ‘You? You hate parties.’

‘Well, they’re not my favourite,’ Vi conceded. ‘But you know Serrie. Any excuse to celebrate.’

‘So, we’re not sidestepping the fact that I know her then? Like know her, know her.’

‘Pow…’ Vi sighed. ‘Jinx.’

‘At long fucking last.’

‘Please don’t make a big thing of this. You and Serrie barely dated.’

‘Oh, is that the party line?’ Jinx scolded. ‘What about Caitlyn?’

She regretted it the second the question left her lips. Idiot.

‘Cait’s in the past,’ Vi said. ‘Actually, it was Serrie who helped me get over myself and sign those fricking papers. She and Ekko really kicked my ass into gear, y’know.’

‘So, you met through Ekko, as suspected.’

‘…I think Cait could’ve kissed her for that,’ Vi chuckled, not seeming to have heard Jinx’s comment about Ekko.

‘Ah, well. That was supposed to stay in my head, anyway.’

‘What?’ Vi asked, confused.

‘Wait!’ Jinx accidentally yelled as her mind barrelled into another question. ‘So, Cait knows about all this?’

‘Of course.’

‘And she’s okay with it?’

‘Of course,’ Vi insisted. ‘Why the hell wouldn’t she be?’

‘Oh, I don’t know, because it’s so sudden!?’

‘Not really,’ Vi said. ‘We’ve both moved on. We’re uh… trying to be friends now.’

‘Friends?’ Jinx couldn’t believe a word of it. ‘You’re trying to be friends? You and Cait? Caitlyn Kiramman, the woman you fucking obsessed over for almost a decade.’

‘It was six years.’

‘Whatever,’ Jinx rebuffed. ‘How the fuck are the two of you ever going to be friends? Why does she have to stay in your life? Can’t you just cut her out?’ Between breaths, she inhaled another bump. Sniffed and wiped her nose. ‘How’re you going to be someone else’s wife with Cait in your life, Vi?’

It felt wrong. Broken.

‘Why would you cling to a person who left you and hurt you like that?’ She raged, untethered. ‘You haven’t moved on at all. You’ve just replaced marriage with friendship. That’s not moving on.’

‘Well, we still love each other,’ Vi explained. ‘We still want to be a part of each other’s lives. People stay friends with exes all the time. Or lesbians do, at least.’

‘Oh, other lesbians do it, so that means you have to? Grow a fucking backbone, Vi.’

‘Excuse me?’

‘You seriously want Cait in your life after all the shit she put you through?’ Jinx tumbled into a full-scale rant. ‘She broke your heart. Fucking destroyed you! She forced you to sleep on Ekko’s shitty little couch while she kept the house by the Pilt. And she put you through hell when you were married, too. Always dragging you to all those fancy functions with weird food and overpriced champagne, and all those judgy fucking snot-nosed socialites who saw you as good-for-nothing-trencher-trash, not worthy of breathing the same air as them.’

She rubbed a lick more shimmer into her gums. Sucked them clean.

‘Jinx, I—’

‘Cait fucking suffocated you with all that Piltie well-to-do crap,’ she continued, relentless, ‘and you let her because you loved her, and then that bitch had the audacity to stop loving you! You seriously want someone like that as a friend!?’

‘That’s not the full story, and you know it.’

‘Oh, I know,’ she jibed. ‘I gave you the abridged version. The full story is much worse.’

‘You’ve got it wrong,’ Vi urged. ‘Caitlyn was good to me, Jinx. She was amazing in so many ways, but… we were too different. Oil and water. Not because we came from opposite sides of the bridge, we just… don’t think in the same way, y’know. We’re not on the same wavelength.’

‘Well, duh! You’re not a pretentious fucking Mary Sue.’

‘Look, I know you never liked her, but come on. Cait’s a good person, you know that.’

‘Nope!’

Jinx’s jittering legs forced her to her feet. She paced around the coffee table, rubbing her neck harsh enough to irritate the skin.

‘Anyway, Jinx, I, uh… I should go,’ Vi said, dejected. ‘Can I count you in for the party?’

‘Is Cait gonna be there?’

‘She’s invited, so, maybe,’ Vi admitted. ‘But it’s gonna be a big party at Serrie’s parents’ place. You know that huge mansion they have?’

‘It’s a four-bedroom house with a pool out back,’ Jinx spat. ‘Not exactly a mansion, but whatever.’

‘Anyway, even if she does end up coming, you won’t necessarily have to see her,’ Vi continued. ‘I just… I’d really appreciate it if you came. Serrie would too.’

‘I’ll think about it.’

‘You will? You promise?’

‘Thinking doesn’t mean going, Vi.’

‘I know, but still.’

‘Text me the info and I’ll see what I can pull out of my ass.’

She rolled her eyes at her sister’s eagerness. It made her want to hide away forever and never see Vi, or anyone else, ever again.

‘Perfect.’

Jinx swore she could hear Vi grinning down the phone. Ugh.

‘I don’t have to bring a gift, do I?’

‘Well, Serrie says it’s customary,’ Vi replied. ‘But y’know I don’t care about that stuff. You showing up would be better than any gift.’

Out of nowhere, and despite her best intentions, Jinx almost cried. Fuck. How could Vi have said something so sentimental without warning her first? And when she was already in such a volatile state!?

‘Sweet,’ she said, trying and failing to sound nonchalant. ‘That’ll save me a couple bucks then.’

‘Right.’

‘…right.’

A door slammed shut in the background of the call, and a floaty feminine voice trilled ‘I’m baaaacckkk!’

‘Ah, Serrie’s home,’ Vi clarified. ‘I gotta go.’

‘Yeah. Okay. Wifey duties.’

She couldn’t lie; it wasn’t okay. She felt a pang of hatred towards Seraphine for somehow stealing Vi away from her. Illogical bullshit, she reminded herself. But it stung to leave their conversation on such an abrupt note, and if Seraphine hadn’t been there to interrupt, well…

‘And Jinx, I uh…’ Vi’s rasp tinged with desperation. ‘Thanks for calling.’

‘…sure,’ she croaked.

‘See you soon, I hope.’

‘Right. Soon.’

With that, the line went dead.

Jinx’s pacing stilled and she crashed back to the sofa. Screamed into the cushion.

She had to go, didn’t she? Vi had invited her. Vi wanted her to go.

At least she had enough drugs to see her through whatever hell awaited her there.

7 notes · View notes

heroinejinx · 2 years ago

Text

‘Tell me what you want.’ - Advices and Vices, part 3 of ? (CaitJinx Modern AU)

AO3 link.

The plot thickens (and gets sexier).

TW: mature content and sexual themes.

(5,603 words)

The cab ride to Jinx’s apartment passed in a blur of muffled moans, greedy gropes, and thrashing tongues. Caitlyn had never felt so shameless, nor so alive. There was something about Jinx, about the two of them together… they drove each other crazy. The poor taxi driver. They spent most of the ten-minute journey grinding against each other like a pair of impulsive, hormone-driven teenagers.

Not a second too soon, the cab pulled up at their destination. They clambered out onto the wet street, giggling and tipsily clinging to each other. Jinx buried her face into Caitlyn’s neck, kissing and licking as she pleased, while Caitlyn paid the fare. To her relief, the awkward exchange of cash and the polite ‘goodnight’ and ‘thank you’ ended in a heartbeat. The driver sped away into the night, off to pick up the next couple desperately heading home.

How many horny passengers like them did cabs get those days? Probably a fair few in Zaun. Piltover? Less likely. A few businessmen cheating on their wives with their assistants, perhaps.

She couldn’t quite picture the average Piltovan engaging in something so vulgar. And yet, there she stood, guilty of the same behaviour she saw fit to judge. What did that make her? A fool? A hypocrite? Which was worse?

Wait, when did it rain?

The hop and skip to Jinx’s apartment building was littered with puddles, the pavement was soaked, and the dip in the road next to the kerb was at least ankle deep with murky water. Must’ve been a heavy downpour, must’ve pelted against the cab’s windows so cold that the heat of their breath fogged up the glass, but Caitlyn hadn’t noticed a single drop of it. Jinx had rendered her oblivious.

It wasn’t like her to lack such basic awareness of her environment, but nothing about that night was particularly in character. At least, not a part of her character she recognised or understood. Around Jinx, she was reckless, out of control, blind to the rest of the world.

It felt eerie and strange that one person could affect her so deeply. It frightened her. Jinx frightened her. Their connection, the sheer animalistic force of their chemistry, scared her shitless.

Jinx’s apartment building sat in a line of identical structures. All painted sea blue, all erring on the nicer side of rundown, in dire need of a re-vamp but not fit to collapse. Serviceable. Caitlyn had visited only once before, with Vi, back when Jinx moved in about two years ago.

They weren’t supposed to be there. Jinx had insisted she didn’t need or want their help with the move, but big sister Vi couldn’t take no for an answer. She just couldn’t let Jinx take her first big step into adulthood on her own terms.

The whole palaver irked Caitlyn to no end. Despite their differences, Caitlyn urged Vi to see it from Jinx’s point of view. They were up all night discussing it, arguing about familial obligation and responsibility, and how Caitlyn wouldn’t understand because she’d had everything handed to her. She’d never had siblings to provide and care for, and she’d never had to struggle. The words cut at her, but Vi wasn’t all wrong, so Caitlyn conceded the fight and played along. Even offered to rent out a removals van to make it easier.

They turned up the next morning to a fully kitted out apartment, and the aftermath of a party. Jinx had moved in with the help of a few friends the day before. She’d given Vi the wrong date on purpose, knowing exactly what she’d do.

***

‘She just wanted this one thing for herself,’ Caitlyn snapped, exhausted after hours of Vi’s tormented ranting on the subject, pacing back and forth in their lounge. ‘Why is it so hard for you to accept that she’s not a kid anymore, Vi!? She’s twenty-two, for gods’ sake, she’s a grown woman! She doesn’t need you anymore!’

‘Wow, Cait,’ Vi snickered bitterly. ‘Tell me how you really feel.’ She hung her head and ground her fists together, still pounding the floorboards. ‘Powder will always be my baby sister. What doesn’t compute?’

‘I’m sorry, what doesn’t compute?’ Caitlyn mocked, filled with merciless venom, ready to spit. ‘You can’t even call her by her real name!’

‘Powder is her real name!’ Vi yelled, nostrils flaring and muscles tensing with fury.

‘No,’ Caitlyn said solemnly. ‘It isn’t, and it hasn’t been for a long time now. How can you expect her to want you in her life when you can’t respect her wishes for something as basic as a name?’

‘Seriously? I have to explain this to you again?’ Vi shook her head in frustration. ‘Jinx isn’t her name. Jinx is some weird fucking alter ego that psychopath cooked up for her so she’d be easier for him to manipulate. It’s not her name.’

‘I know,’ Caitlyn said. ‘I know that’s what you think, but—’

‘What I think!? It’s the truth!’

‘Yes, the truth, from your perspective, Vi!’ Cailyn’s rage propelled her to stand, eye to eye with her fuming wife. ‘What about hers!? What about how Jinx feels?’

‘How Powder feels.’

‘No, Jinx,’ Caitlyn demanded. ‘I’m telling you, Vi—I’ll fucking scream it if I have to—that girl will never let you in if you keep treating her like she’s still a child.’

‘But I—!’

‘I know,’ Caitlyn huffed. ‘I know why you do it, okay? I get it.’

Vi’s breathing began to level out, a sign she’d started to listen. At that, Caitlyn calmed a little, too.

‘For so long in care, you were all each other had,’ Caitlyn said, softening her voice to almost a whisper. ‘And then, just when she needed you most, they separated you. You didn’t see her grow up, couldn’t be there for her for all those important moments… I know how much that hurt. How much it still does. I see it in you every day.’

Vi’s bottom lip trembled on the cusp of tears. She wiped at her nose and shook out her shoulders, shaking away the emotions.

Why couldn’t she just cry?

If she had to, Caitlyn would’ve held Vi all night as the tears fell. Vi never let down her defences and wailed for all the pain she’d endured, and she desperately needed to. A good cry, a show of ugly, vital vulnerability, might’ve helped to release something locked deep inside.

But no. Vi never cried, not even when Vander died. She just got angry instead.

‘All that aside, the pain and regret you feel about the past doesn’t give you the right to behave this way, Vi,’ Caitlyn firmly concluded. ‘Jinx is her own person with her own wants and needs. You don’t get to decide what name she goes by, her moving plans, none of it. It’s just not your business. You can offer to help, fine, but next time, if she says no, please just take it as a no. You’ll end up losing her for good if you don’t.’

‘Cait, you’re not—’

‘I can’t keep having this conversation,’ she said, stone-faced and weary. ‘I’m going to bed.’

‘It’s not even eight yet.’

‘Well, I’m tired.’

***

The stench of stale urine and cigarette smoke blinked Caitlyn back to reality, as she and Jinx entered the stairwell. Their boots clomped and clanked in unison on the metal steps, all the way up to the third floor, where Jinx opened a security-sealed door and led them into a long, stuffy corridor.

‘You okay, Kiramman?’ Jinx asked, voice all giddy and laced with faux concern. ‘You haven’t even commented on the smell. It’s pretty ripe in here. Gag-worthy, really.’

She paused for a reaction, but Caitlyn didn’t speak or even look at her. The memories the building had conjured burrowed into her mind like leeches on bleeding flesh.

‘Cait?’ Jinx’s concern suddenly sounded genuine. She stopped walking and stared back at her. ‘Second thoughts?’

Jinx huffed and clicked her fingers in front of Caitlyn’s eyes, demanding her attention. It worked. Caitlyn fixed her gaze on Jinx’s furrowed brow and needy, pouting mouth.

‘Sorry,’ she said, still a little out of it. ‘I was just… it’s a while since I’ve been here.’

‘Ah,’ Jinx grimaced, as though she knew exactly what Caitlyn meant. ‘Yeah. I hadn’t thought about that.’

‘…this is weird, isn’t it?’ Caitlyn knew the answer. It tore at her. ‘I should go. This was a mistake.’

She turned on her heel, but Jinx grabbed her wrist to stop her leaving.

‘Wait—’

Caitlyn looked back and couldn’t help but smile at the heart-shaped face that greeted her, full of want and longing. Jinx might never have said it with her words, but her eyes begged Caitlyn to stay. As did the soothing strokes from Jinx’s thumb, as she let go of Caitlyn’s wrist and locked their fingers together.

Walking away from everything Jinx had to offer would certainly be difficult.

‘Will you at least come in for a drink while I call you another cab?’ Jinx bargained. ‘If it rains again and you’re waiting outside, you’ll be screwed.’

‘Sure,’ Caitlyn agreed. It seemed a fair compromise.

They carried on down the corridor, towards Jinx’s apartment.

‘You noticed the rain, then?’ Caitlyn asked, as they strode hand in hand down the worn carpet.

‘Not until we got out,’ Jinx confessed. ‘I wasn’t exactly focusing on the weather.’

‘Me neither.’

‘Oh.’ Jinx halted. Big blue eyes doubled in size. She moved in close, resting her hands around Caitlyn’s waist. ‘You spaced, too?’ Her tone was heartbreakingly vulnerable. ‘I thought it was just me getting carried away. You know, Jinx being Jinx.’

Jinx being Jinx? What did that mean? That she was stupid somehow? That she didn’t see things clearly? It reeked of gaslighting. Who had instilled in her such a negative self-view? Silco; the carers at the foster home; her parents before they died; Vi…?

Some combination of all four, probably.

Bile rose in Caitlyn’s throat, and a bewildering mixture of sadness, rage and affection bubbled in her stomach, threatening to erupt and spill over. She wanted to protect Jinx. To scoop her up and glue every broken fragment of her psyche back together.

Where had all these feelings come from?

Her hands acted on their own volition and cupped Jinx’s warm, blushing cheeks; stroked the soft skin she found there.

A peculiar expression fluttered across Jinx’s face. What was that emotion? Embarrassment? Vulnerability? An acknowledgement of pain? The kind of pain Jinx kept buried.

Whatever it was, it vanished almost as soon as it appeared.

‘Come on,’ Jinx snickered and pulled away from their tense embrace. She inched backwards down the corridor, eyes glued on Caitlyn’s. ‘Let’s get you that cab, huh?’

Something in her tone told Caitlyn what she already knew as fact: there’d be no cab. There’d be no leaving. They wanted each other too much to resist.

They reached Jinx’s door, number two-four-two. It stood out from the rest, covered in doodles and stickers. Caitlyn grinned at the sight; Jinx had truly made the place her home. With a soft smile, Jinx took her hand and led her inside.

The studio apartment was open-plan, more spacious than Caitlyn remembered, with tastefully exposed-brick walls and a front-facing balcony. The click of her heels ricocheted off of the hardwood floor as she explored Jinx’s domain. Like the woman herself, it was a little chaotic. Cluttered with various gadgets and candles, antiques and collectible figurines, posters of musicians and eclectic, modern artwork.

A king-size bed sat in the far-left corner; black sheets unmade from the morning. Caitlyn imagined herself lying there with Jinx on top of her, grinding against her thigh, moaning on the cusp of climax.

A chill tingled up her spine.

She blinked. Recalibrated.

At the studio’s centre, facing the window and the balcony beyond, was a worn leather sofa and matching armchair, surrounded by an IKEA coffee table, potted plants, marijuana paraphernalia and an expensive-looking Soundsystem. On the inner wall, to Caitlyn’s right, an over-filled bookcase arched over a blackboard with some kind of equation scrawled across it.

Caitlyn examined the numbers and squiggles but couldn’t make sense of it. Engineering code, no doubt. Too big-brained for her. It was all too easy to forget how clever Jinx was, behind all that bravado.

The kitchen, towards the tail end, sported a mini-bar complete with suspended bottles of vodka, gin, whisky, tequila, and a neon sign overhead which read ‘it’s now or never.’ The sign felt like some kind of message. Her gut lurched.

‘So, come on,’ Jinx cooed. ‘Bed’s this way…’

‘Actually, I’d quite like that drink you mentioned.’

‘Right,’ Jinx drawled, unconvinced, inching closer to the bed. ‘And a cab, too?’

‘Depends on what drink you make me,’ Caitlyn quipped back.

‘Wait, seriously?’ Jinx scoffed. ‘You actually want a drink?’

‘I do.’

‘Huh.’ Jinx balked in disbelief and returned to Caitlyn in the centre of the room. ‘So, Kiramman,’ she rasped with a tease in her tone. ‘Craving anything in particular? Gin and tonic, or…’

‘Surprise me,’ Caitlyn said.

‘You trust me enough for that?’

‘It’s a drink; I think I’ll survive.’

‘… ‘kay.’

Jinx cackled as she skipped over to the mini-bar and set about preparing whatever drink she planned to make. While she waited, Caitlyn gravitated to the sofa. Offloaded her blazer, handbag, and boots, and sank into the soft cushion. The material of her chinos stretched a little as she sat with her feet tucked under her and made herself comfortable.

From the mini-bar, Jinx spied Caitlyn’s new location and chuckled, as she shook up her concoction and poured it out into two smart martini glasses. Judging by the salt around each rim, Jinx had made margaritas.

Did she… she couldn’t have remembered Caitlyn’s love for margaritas, could she? It seemed too perfect to have been a coincidence.

Jinx ferried the drinks over, donning a sly grin as she handed over Caitlyn’s.

Yeah, she definitely remembered.

‘Well, this is a surprise,’ Caitlyn said. ‘My favourite.’

‘Oh, really?’ With a coy and calculating twinkle in her eye, Jinx took a seat in the oversized armchair to Caitlyn’s right. ‘I had no idea.’ Sure, she didn’t. ‘Give it a taste.’

Caitlyn obliged and took a sip. It was pungent with tequila and citrus, made slightly savoury and moreish by the salt. Perfect.

‘Where did you learn to make this? It’s fantastic.’

‘Used to tend bar at one of the strip clubs downtown,’ Jinx said, and made a start on her own. ‘I can show you if you want. It’s not hard.’

Caitlyn spluttered into her drink. Her brain short-circuited.

‘The recipe, I mean,’ Jinx clarified. ‘Not stripping. Stripping’s tough work. All the pole-dancing and stuff? You have to be in seriously good shape.’

‘You worked at a strip club?’ She asked once her head stopped spinning. ‘When? For how long?’

Jinx rolled her eyes with a hint of disdain. ‘Does it matter?’

‘No, that’s not…’ She floundered. Composed herself with another sip. ‘I don’t mean to judge, I just… I had no idea.’

‘Why would you?’ Jinx rebuffed, her sarcasm bordering irritation. ‘We barely know each other. Isn’t that the theme of this evening?’

‘…right.’ Caitlyn didn’t want to argue; sipped more of the delicious drink instead.

‘Besides, can you imagine what would’ve happened if Vi knew I worked at a place like that?’

‘The mind boggles.’

Violence of some form, certainly. Arson sprung to mind. Homicide, perhaps. Fists would most definitely have flown.

‘I wasn’t even a stripper,’ Jinx added. ‘I made drinks in skimpy outfits. It was harmless… and very lucrative.’

‘I can imagine,’ Caitlyn stated, resisting a smirk at the notion of Jinx conning the clientele out of hundreds of dollars in tips just by winking in their direction.

‘Whatever,’ Jinx huffed and placed her half-supped margarita onto the coffee table between them. ‘It was a while ago.’

‘Well, you’ve done great for yourself since,’ Caitlyn said. ‘Vi would be proud.’

She winced as soon as the words left her mouth. Totally the wrong thing to say. For gods’ sake, Caitlyn. She was there to sleep with Jinx, not reminisce about the past and talk about her ex-wife. Why couldn’t she keep Vi’s name out of her mouth?

Come to think of it, Jinx had mentioned her too. They both had Vi on the brain.

Great. How ideal.

Jinx stared into the wood of the table, a subtle frown creasing her features.

‘Sorry,’ Caitlyn said, letting out an awkward chuckle. ‘It’s hard to avoid mentioning her, isn’t it?’

‘I guess. Yeah.’

‘It feels like…’ Caitlyn hesitated. Her next words were probably unwise, but still, she had to say them. ‘You’re the only person I can really talk about her with.’

‘Same here,’ Jinx said, and finally locked onto Caitlyn’s gaze. ‘You and my therapist, anyway.’ Her eyes widened, like she’d said too much, given away too much of herself. ‘But we don’t need to talk about that, like, ever, so—’

‘Of course,’ Caitlyn smiled with care. ‘Talk about what?’

‘Thanks,’ Jinx smiled back, cementing their mutual understanding.

As curious as she felt, Caitlyn wouldn’t pry. The knowledge that Jinx had a therapist at all was good enough. Gods knew she needed one.

Maybe Caitlyn could’ve used one, too?

‘Anyway, whaddaya say, Kiramman?’ Jinx asked, her tone suddenly suggestive. Her mood seemed to chop and change so easily. ‘Am I calling you that cab?’

‘Hmm…’ Caitlyn tilted her head and sipped from her glass.

Finally, they were getting back to the point, the whole reason they were there together in the first place. She felt dizzy with relief but dared not show it. As the tart alcohol scintillated her tongue, she followed Jinx’s lead and placed her drink down.

‘I think you already know the answer to that,’ she replied, hiding her nerves with a wry smile.

Full of her trademark, bullshit nonchalance, Jinx slouched into the armchair and gave a small shrug. She seemed grumpy and bored. Why? Because they hadn’t fallen into bed the second they’d arrived? Jinx had tried the gentleman’s approach of making drinks and conversation, and now, what? Time to embrace the brat within? Did Jinx think acting up would get her what she wanted out of this?

‘Which is…?’ Jinx prompted.

Oh, it was a stand-off, was it? Who’d crack and reveal their desire first? In that case, Caitlyn didn’t mind appearing to lose.

With a patient sigh, she stood from the sofa and rounded the table, stepping into Jinx’s personal space. She crouched down to Jinx’s eye level, to find her companion blushing at the shift in tension. Holding Jinx’s stare, Caitlyn crossed her arms over Jinx’s widespread lap and clasped her hands together, propping her chin up on the steeple where her fingers met in the middle.

‘You tell me,’ Caitlyn commanded with a whisper. ‘Tell me what you want.’

Jinx bit her lip and slouched further down, brushing her clothed upper thighs against Caitlyn’s hands as she encased her legs around Caitlyn’s waist. With a flicker of a smile, she prized Caitlyn’s hands apart and took the fingers of her right hand into her mouth, one by one, paying particular attention to the middle three.

Caitlyn’s lips parted in awe at the unexpected sight before her. The inside of Jinx’s mouth was a wet, velvety swirl of bodily heat and cool ice from the margarita. Her tongue was tender and rugged at once, depending on how she used it. Revisiting Caitlyn’s middle finger, Jinx bit down, just hard enough to make her gasp. Jinx smirked, seemingly pleased with herself, and licked the knuckle between her teeth.

Caitlyn removed her hand from Jinx’s grasp and wrapped her long, wetted fingers around Jinx’s slender neck with a light squeeze. Jinx rutted and moaned beneath her, still staring, enthralled by what might happen next.

‘What do you want, Jinx?’ Caitlyn pressed.

In one fluid motion, Jinx tightened her legs to gain a sturdier hold around Caitlyn’s waist and brought her knees up. Caitlyn thrusted up and forwards with a disconcerted yelp, landing nose to nose with the menace herself. Jinx giggled on impact, but her laughter soon died as she focused on Caitlyn. They drank each other in for a second, united in their dilated pupils and racing hearts.

Cold, petite hands stroked up Caitlyn’s arms, as Jinx lazily, greedily, lovingly, placed kisses all over her face. Forehead, nose, chin, cheeks, eyebrows, lips.

‘Good enough answer?’ Jinx teased; mouth barely parted from Caitlyn’s.

‘It’ll do,’ Caitlyn retorted, and they chuckled into another kiss.

Tentative at first, they quickly lost themselves in a stream of urgent moans and roaming hands. Soon, Caitlyn scooped Jinx out of the chair altogether. With Jinx’s limb’s already wrapped around her, it didn’t take much effort. The girl couldn’t have weighed more than a hundred pounds or so; Caitlyn benched heavier at the gym. She stood upright with Jinx writhing sensually in her arms, kissing her neck, attached like a koala. Within a few clumsy steps, she swivelled to ensure Jinx would land on top, and let them both fall onto the mattress with a shriek of aroused glee.

Giggling all the more, Jinx pinned Caitlyn beneath her small frame, battling tongue against tongue as she groped her breasts through her shirt. Their legs intertwined, knees in each other’s crotches to maximise mutual pleasure.

Button by button, Jinx undid Caitlyn’s shirt until it fell open. Sitting back on her haunches a moment, Jinx traced over the lines of Caitlyn’s bra in admiration.

‘Can I see you?’ Jinx asked.

With a slight nod, Caitlyn sat up. First, she removed her shirt, and then her bra. Breasts exposed, she lay back and propped herself up on her elbows, allowing Jinx to get her fill. She knew she looked good. At thirty years old, she’d never been fitter or in better shape, and it showed. Plus, even if she’d lacked confidence, Jinx’s flabbergasted look of lust spoke for itself.

‘Holy fucking shit,’ Jinx exclaimed with a nervous laugh. ‘I knew you were beautiful, but… wow…’ With a new sense of uncertainty, she reached out her hand and gently caressed the soft flesh of Caitlyn’s breasts, one at a time, before stroking down the toned planes of her belly. ‘You’re like… the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen… and I’ve seen a few. I mean, not to compare, but… I’m gonna shut up now.’

‘Good to know,’ Caitlyn snickered and pulled Jinx in for another round of hungry kisses.

It felt more than good. It felt incredible for Jinx—for any woman, but especially Jinx—to admire her like that. It had been too long since she’d indulged this part of herself. She hadn’t had sex since—

NOPE. Not thinking about Vi during sex with Jinx. NOT HAPPENING.

But yes, it felt good. Very, very good.

In between kisses, Jinx whipped her t-shirt off to reveal a bra of her own. More of a bralette, really; a cute, little black thing which sat on her chest in a flattering V-shape, not a shred of underwire in sight.

Jinx had significantly less to show in that department, and Caitlyn felt a pang of envy at how much simpler it must’ve been for her to style herself. Caitlyn’s wardrobe would’ve been so much more streamlined, more her, if everything didn’t have to be so busty all the time. Any typical blouse and blazer combo, such as the one she’d worn that evening, instantly had to factor in cleavage for her to truly rock it. Then again, certain dresses and tight-fitted jumpers she owned would’ve been nigh unwearable with a more petite chest. There were pros and cons to every woman’s body type, she supposed, and they were all gorgeous in their own right.

With Jinx in her lap, Caitlyn kissed her again. Cupping Jinx’s small, perfect breasts, she rubbed and squeezed the hard nubs of her nipples, eliciting a ream of adorable squeals and profanities. Eventually, Jinx tore the bralette off. Caitlyn replaced pinching fingers with a delicate tongue and sharp teeth, and the profanities increased delightfully.

Okay, so Jinx liked nipple play.

Still using her mouth to tend to Jinx’s breasts, Caitlyn’s fingers wandered between the younger woman’s legs. Her core radiated heat through her jeans, and she bucked her hips at even the slightest touch. Caitlyn doubled her efforts, applying pressure and rhythm to her squeezes.

With a whine of pure frustration, Jinx plunged her hands into Caitlyn’s hair and pulled at the roots, forcing her to look up, nipple in mouth. She released the glistening pink nub with a pop, granting Jinx her full attention (mostly) while her hand remained on Jinx’s crotch.

‘Fuck me,’ Jinx pleaded. ‘I want you to fuck me.’

‘How d’you want me to fuck you, Jinx?’ Caitlyn asked with a serene calm. Her busy hands gave her focus, enabling her to sound matter-of-fact despite her unbridled thrill at the request. ‘Fingers? Mouth? Soft? Hard?’

‘Dealer’s choice,’ Jinx said. ‘Just make me scream.’

Wonderful.

Caitlyn untangled herself from Jinx’s limbs and stood to the side of the bed. She took off her chinos, folded them, and placed them atop Jinx’s surprisingly uncluttered bedside table. Left in just her knickers, she perched back on the bed, facing Jinx.

This promised to be fun. She’d forgotten how naturally all of this came to her. How invigorating it could be.

‘Take off your jeans and underwear,’ she instructed.

Jinx readily obliged, peeling off her jeans and the cute pair of baby pink boxer-briefs underneath.

‘Lie back and spread your legs.’

Jinx obeyed once more, revealing the sheen of her wet, hairy pussy in all its glory.

‘Good girl,’ Caitlyn said.

Jinx whimpered at the praise, barrelling straight into a hearty moan as Caitlyn met her open cunt with a finger teasing her hole and a kiss to her clit. As fun as it was to make Jinx squirm, Caitlyn had no patience left. Eyes locked on the beauty before her, she slipped her middle finger into Jinx’s hot core. Jinx’s pupils shone, needful and entranced. The same finger she had bitten and licked now moved within her in slow, shallow pumps, testing how much she could take.

‘More,’ Jinx urged. ‘Please.’

Caitlyn added another finger and upped her pace to a steady back and forth.

More profanities cascaded from Jinx’s lust-red lips, some too quiet to hear, others loud and dramatic. Every utterance, every muffled gasp and unhinged moan, fell on Caitlyn’s ears like music to a conductor, spurring her on to complete her masterpiece. Jinx’s harmonies dictated Caitlyn’s pace. A period of quiet, soft sighs, and Caitlyn went harder, faster. A string of longer, heavier notes, and Caitlyn fell back, lightened her touch. They were in concerto with each other, lost in the moment, not an ounce of self-consciousness or restraint between them.

Jinx’s first orgasm came like the swell of a chorus, promising more. Caitlyn added a third finger and set her mouth to work on Jinx’s clit, licking and sucking with rapid precision.

The next chorus loomed within the verse. Jinx bucked her hips and held Caitlyn’s head steady. Her symphony hit another high note. Caitlyn maintained pace long enough for the second chorus to play through, then dropped into the bridge. Lessened her thrusts. Removed her mouth from Jinx’s sensitive clit.

The process of increasing and reducing intensity continued until Jinx had thrashed out what felt like an entire album. Caitlyn’s stamina proved relentless, but even she began to waver.

One last crescendo, and Jinx tapped out, slamming her arm on the bed like a weary wrestler.

Kissing along Jinx’s thighs and pelvis, Caitlyn removed her fingers and wiped them on Jinx’s tummy. To her surprise, Jinx took them into her mouth and licked them clean. Even through the haze of her exhaustion, her clit throbbed at the sight of Jinx tasting her own cum like that.

‘Fuck,’ Caitlyn said, gawping like a pervert.

‘Yeah?’ Jinx asked. ‘You like this? Me tasting myself… cleaning you up after I got you all dirty…’

Caitlyn could only nod and swallow the saliva pooling in her mouth.

‘Was I good for you?’ Jinx’s expression turned cherubic in its earnestness. ‘Am I a good girl?’

‘The best girl,’ Caitlyn replied. ‘An angel.’

‘An angel?’ Jinx grinned, and something demonic lit up in her eyes. ‘Really?’ She challenged. ‘That sounds a little too good.’

‘Does it, now?’ Caitlyn questioned, playing into the moment.

Jinx nodded.

‘Well,’ Caitlyn sighed. ‘Why don’t you show me the other side to you then?’

‘What, my evil side…?’ Jinx grinned, but her eyes grew glassy, on the cusp of tears.

In a beat, her smile fell, and she hardened to stone.

‘No need,’ she said, no longer playful. ‘I’m bad enough for you already.’

Caitlyn didn’t have a response for that. Nothing witty or flirty up her sleeve. She just sat in silence and watched as Jinx crawled under the duvet and curled up facing the wall, away from her.

‘…do you really believe that?’ She finally dared to ask.

Jinx’s bare shoulders arched and slumped in a half-hearted shrug.

‘I don’t,’ Caitlyn added, for whatever good it might’ve done. ‘I don’t believe that one bit.’

‘Yeah, you do,’ Jinx said.

All the colour drained from her voice, leaving it monotone grey. Caitlyn’s chest tightened at the sound.

‘I don’t,’ Caitlyn assured.

She lay a hand on Jinx’s shoulder, trying to fight for a sliver of the connection they had just shared.

Jinx shuddered away from her touch and hiked the duvet up, covering everything but the top of her bright blue hair.

‘Jinx…?’

Words seemed futile, but without touch they were all she had.

‘What’s wrong? Talk to me… I’m right here.’

‘I know you’re there; I can hear you breathing.’

A harsh lump clogged Caitlyn’s throat.

‘Talk to me, then,’ she reasoned. ‘Please.’

‘…just go to sleep, Cait,’ Jinx said, defeated.

‘And we’ll talk about this in the morning?’

‘Sure. Whatever.’

Instinct told Caitlyn they wouldn’t talk at all, but she ignored it in favour of hope. Maybe if Jinx got some sleep, she’d feel better in the morning? More like herself.

***

Caitlyn slept in bursts, waking sporadically to Jinx’s rigid, painfully conscious body next to her. Jinx hadn’t slept one minute, had she? Her hope dissipated like smoke in the breeze.

What happened last night? Something had clearly triggered Jinx, but what?

Tired and anguished, Caitlyn rolled over. Checked her phone.

The time read 7:10: an acceptable hour to get up, gather her things and leave.

But she didn’t want to go. Not without talking to Jinx. Last night, everything that transpired—the good, the bad—it begged to be discussed.

Where did it leave them? What were they to each other now?

In the bleak light of day, she suspected little would change, but part of her longed for a different outcome. They’d connected. Deeply. Not just sexually, but as people. Jinx moved her. Made her ache and laugh and feel sexy again. She didn’t want to lose that so soon.

Of all the people it could’ve been, why did it have to be Jinx? And why—fucking why!?—did it have to end on such a shitty note?

They really needed to talk.

Jinx remained in the same position she had all night. Unmoving and unsleeping, like a sentient statue.

‘Jinx?’ Caitlyn tried. ‘Jinx, are you awake?’

‘…you know I am.’

Jinx spoke just as stoically as she had before. Like every word was a chore.

Caitlyn’s chest constricted further.

‘Thought I’d best ask,’ she said. ‘Are you ready to talk? I can wait if you need to—’

‘Just go,’ Jinx interrupted.

‘What?’

‘Go home, Cait.’

‘But…’

What could she even say at that point? Jinx had completely shut down.

‘I’m not going home until you tell me what happened last night,’ she resolved. One way or another, she’d get the answers she needed.

‘Enjoy paying my rent then.’

‘Is that all you have to say?’ Caitlyn’s temper simmered. ‘Some half-baked quip?’

‘Guess so.’

‘Really, Jinx?’ Caitlyn demanded. ‘I’ve been tossing and turning all night, wondering what the fuck I did wrong to make you snap and switch up on me, and you’re not going to even try to explain? I get no explanation for being treated like that. No apology?’

‘Okay. Sorry.’

‘For what?’

‘Sorry you feel entitled to an apology.’

‘Entitled?’ Caitlyn could hardly believe what she’d heard. ‘Entitled!?’

‘Yep.’

‘So, you go cold and distant on me out of nowhere, and I’m entitled for wanting to know why?’ Caitlyn balked; temper officially lost. ‘Stellar logic right there. Impeccable.’

‘Not what I said.’

‘It’s what you meant.’

‘I said demanding an apology was entitled of you, not the other thing.’

‘Y’know what, Jinx?’ Caitlyn burst into furious laughter as she swung out of bed and hunted for her clothes. ‘Whatever, I don’t care. I’m done.’

Jinx didn’t reply, just hugged the duvet tighter around her body.

Caitlyn clipped her bra into place and pulled on her chinos. Spied her blouse where it had unceremoniously landed, near the sofa. She rescued it and slipped it on. Fastened the buttons as quickly as her shaking hands allowed.

‘I’m going,’ she said. ‘Have a nice fucking weekend.’

Still no response.

Fine.

Already at the sofa, her boots and the rest of her things were in easy reach. She gathered them together in a bundle and left without looking back.

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heroinejinx · 2 years ago

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‘A proper drink’ - Advices and Vices, part 1 of ? (CaitJinx Modern AU)

So, another fic to add to my bow, this time in the form of a crack ship!

‘Advices and Vices’ is named after the Chelsea Wolfe song of the same name, which is part of my PistolWhip spotify playlist which you can listen to here !!

AO3 link here

My hyper-fixation made me do it lol enjoy!

(4,520 words)

Alone at a bar in Zaun, Caitlyn nursed a gin and tonic. The ice had melted, and the liquid was becoming room temperature. She’d made one drink last over an hour. It was a useless talent: the ability to wait for someone she knew wasn’t coming.

Vi was a no show, once again. She refused to sign the divorce papers. Refused to even discuss the situation like adults. She was lashing out, angry and hurt. Still, Caitlyn had hoped to keep things civil, hence the drinks. Neutral location. Easy escape route. Cards on the table. It seemed like the perfect solution when she thought of it. But, of course, Vi disagreed.

They always disagreed.

Caitlyn stayed and waited until the clock fixed to the wall above the bar crept towards ten. Two hours after they were supposed to meet, and still no Vi. Caitlyn was at her limit. She downed what remained of her drink, grimaced at the strength of it as it slid down her throat, and stepped away from the bar. That was that, then. Communication breakdown. Vi had made her point: she was beyond reasoning with.

The cool night air smacked at her cheeks as she left the bar. She looked up at the cloudy sky, reflecting the green of The Lanes’ neon lights, and let out a sigh of disappointment. Things could’ve been so different. Why was Vi like this? How had things turned so bitter between them?

An unmistakable cackle brought her gaze back to the street. Not now. Right in front of her, head tilted and grinning ear to ear, was the last person she expected to see.

‘Well, if it isn’t my soon-to-be ex-sister-in-law,’ Jinx drawled. ‘What’re you doing out so late? Isn’t it past your bedtime?’

Sister-in-law? Caitlyn saw red. Vi’s bond with her younger sister had strained to near breaking point over the years, with Jinx often blaming Caitlyn for the distance, and now that it was all over, they were suddenly sisters-in-law!? Gods, everything that girl said was pure venom, designed to hurt and sting and eat away at you.

‘You’re barely a sister to Vi, let alone anyone else,’ Caitlyn raged. ‘And yes, it is getting late. She’s stood me up. I’m going home.’

‘Ouch.’ Jinx pouted and wiped a pretend tear from her cheek. Sidled up to the entrance, closer to Caitlyn. ‘Well, don’t be boring, Kiramman. Have a drink with me instead.’

‘A what?’

‘No hard feelings, I swear,’ Jinx said, a shade more serious. ‘I’ll even pay.’

She’d pay? With what, Silco’s blood money?

Somehow Caitlyn couldn’t say that out loud. Jinx was being strange, almost pleasant. They had built their relationship on forced civility and underhand mockery. No favours, no kindness, nothing remotely friendly. Caitlyn couldn’t think of a time they’d spent one on one that didn’t end with them tearing chunks out of each other. So, why then? Vi was crashing at their friend Ekko’s place, heartbroken, yet there Jinx was, engaging with the woman responsible, offering an olive branch to someone she’d never even liked before. Where was her loyalty? It felt like a trick, but Jinx wasn’t usually one for mind games. The sisters’ mutual, brutal honesty was a trait Caitlyn had always admired.

Jinx opened the door, forcing Caitlyn to decide: walk away, or stay?

‘After you, sis,’ Jinx winked.

Caitlyn groaned and rolled her eyes at the blatant mockery but didn’t leave. Instead, she re-entered the bar with a swing in her step. Fine. If Vi wouldn’t speak to her directly, she could do it through her sister. Good enough.

She entered first, with Jinx close behind. Rather than slouch at the bar like before, she made a beeline for a table nearby and settled into one of the padded leather armchairs surrounding it.

As Jinx waited for service at the bar, Caitlyn watched her. Scanned her up and down, as though staring at her would somehow help explain what was happening. She wore her usual, grungy get-up, worlds away from Caitlyn’s smart casual blazer, blouse, and chinos. The alternative look suited her. She couldn’t imagine Jinx in any other style. It wasn’t Caitlyn’s taste, but it was Jinx all over, and she owned it. She always looked good; Caitlyn conceded to herself. Vi and Jinx had their looks in common, too.

‘Gin and tonic for the lady,’ Jinx said.

She handed Caitlyn her drink and plopped down in the chair opposite, careful not to spill any of the cocktail she’d gotten for herself. It was bright pink with tiny specks of glitter floating around inside. Classic Jinx.

Drinks with Jinx. Caitlyn was having drinks with Jinx… It felt like stepping into a parallel universe.

‘Thanks,’ Caitlyn said. ‘And what’s that abomination?’

‘Unicorn daiquiri,’ Jinx shrugged and took a sip. ‘Yum.’

‘Only you would order something so vile-sounding,’ Caitlyn jibed.

‘Okay,’ Jinx scoffed and put her drink down on the table. ‘I’m trying not to be a bitch here, Cait. Like, I’m actually trying to be nice, so…’

‘Oh.’ Taken aback, Caitlyn wasn’t sure what to say. She gulped down some of her drink and fidgeted with her necklace, as her cheeks grew hot with discomfort.

How was she supposed to talk to Jinx without ridiculing her? It was the only dynamic they’d ever shared. And how the hell was she supposed to know Jinx was trying to be nice!? As a matter of course, Jinx was not nice.

‘Y’know what, it’s fine,’ Jinx said. ‘I get it. You’re, uh… you’re going through a lot right now. I’m probably the last person you wanna be around.’

‘Pretty much.’ Caitlyn spoke from her gut without passing it through her brain first, but a pinch of compassion made her soften a little, and she recalibrated; if Jinx was trying, she could at least meet her halfway. ‘Although, in fairness, I can think of worse company.’

‘Jayce?’ Jinx’s joke made them both chuckle.

‘Ah, he means well,’ Caitlyn snickered. ‘Poor bastard.’

‘What about Vi…?’ Jinx bit her lip, as though she was nervous for the answer.

‘What about Vi?’ Caitlyn countered. Enraged. ‘She was supposed to meet me here tonight and stood me up. Did you know that?’

Jinx shook her head, but she didn’t look surprised. Caitlyn continued ranting, regardless.

‘We were meant to finally have a proper, adult conversation about everything but, of course, she’s not ready for any of that, is she? No. She’d rather bury her head in the sand and pretend none of this is happening.’

‘Well, she loves you, Cait,’ Jinx said, and shifted in her seat like her body rejected the words. ‘She’s probably gonna be like this a while; she’s stubborn like that.’

‘Yeah, don’t I know it,’ Caitlyn grumbled, fed up.

It was beyond belief that she was confiding in Jinx about all of this, so out of the blue, but what else could she have done? The pressure of it weighed on her, impacting her chest. She had to talk to someone other than Vi. Her father was too nice, her mother too judgemental, and Jayce was far too invested in his research to concern himself with trivial issues like, oh, say, human emotions.

Sitting there with Jinx, just the two of them, it occurred to her how few people she had in her life. She couldn’t think of a single other person who would’ve chosen to sit there with her like that, just talking, hanging out, letting her open up. Encouraging her, even. Jinx was always unpredictable, but this took the cake.

Caitlyn found herself smiling a sincere, heartfelt smile, and decided to embrace the unexpected change to her evening, and the unusual company.

‘I just want… need… to move on,’ she explained. ‘It’s been six months since I filed, Jinx. Six months I’ve waited for her to sign those bloody papers.’

‘Okay, and? You left her, Cait,’ Jinx stated, matter of fact. ‘She doesn’t owe you anything.’

‘Right. Except a little human decency, maybe.’

‘Well, people in pain don’t have a whole lot of room for decency.’ Jinx was more acquainted with pain than most. She and Vi weren’t too close those days, but it must’ve been hard seeing her sister like that. ‘Maybe you’d understand pain better if you’d ever really experienced any,’ she added, her tone a little too scathing for comfort.

What happened to trying to be nice?

‘Because ending my marriage of three years was so easy and pain-free for me?’ Caitlyn spat out without thinking.

‘Oh, please,’ Jinx sniped back. ‘Leaving Vi was a relief. Admit it.’

‘A relief?’ Caitlyn smarted. That one hurt. Too close to home. ‘What the hell is this, Jinx? I don’t get it. One minute, you want to get drinks, tell me you’re trying to be nice — whatever that means — and the next you’re laying into me, making me sound like some kind of heartless bitch. If you’re just here to argue, I’d rather go home.’

‘Sorry,’ Jinx held her hands up in mock surrender. ‘We’ll table it. Or eighty-six it. Whatever the phrase is. Let’s just… talk about something else.’

‘No,’ Caitlyn said plainly. ‘No. We’ve started now; might as well finish.’

Bracing herself, she took a gulp of the bitter gin and tonic, thought it wasn’t nearly strong enough. If she and Jinx were really having this conversation, she’d need at least five more. Maybe the whole bottle.

‘What makes you think I’m relieved?’ She dared to ask.

Jinx’s eyes flared a little, then narrowed with intrigue as she sat forward, arms resting on her lap, head tilted, holding Caitlyn’s glare. The smudged out black around her lids made her blue irises glisten even more than usual. Caitlyn grew hot under her restrictive suit jacket, as Jinx reached for her drink and took a sip of the sparkling liquid. Chewing pensively on the straw, Jinx refocused on Caitlyn.

For a long moment, they just sat and looked at each other, until Jinx broke the fixation with a snicker, a shake of her head, and another sip of her sickly-sweet cocktail.

‘That,’ Jinx said pointedly, still snickering, ‘that’s what.’

Caitlyn felt flustered, like Jinx had duped her, ‘…what?’

‘You never looked at Vi like that.’

Oh, gods. ‘Like what?’

‘Like you wanted to ruin her.’ The words rolled off Jinx’s tongue, silky smooth and self-assured.

Where the hell did that come from!?

Caitlyn spluttered, almost choked on her drink. Cleared her throat. Tried desperately to compose herself. ‘Excuse me?’

Jinx thought… Jinx actually thought that Caitlyn wanted to… Nope, she wasn’t recovering from that one anytime soon. She couldn’t decide if she felt offended or amused or called out. All of the above, probably.

‘Kidding!’ Jinx erupted in laughter and took another sip of her drink, as the colour returned to Caitlyn’s cheeks.

The audacity was unbelievable. Where the hell did Jinx get the nerve to make jokes like that? Did she realise there was truth to it? Fuck. More gin hit the back of Caitlyn’s throat, and she winced.

‘Okay, but seriously,’ Jinx levelled out, grin fading, ‘all I meant was you never really looked at Vi like you were interested in what she had to say.’

‘What?’ Whatever Caitlyn felt before, that remark had definitely offended her. ‘Of course, I was interested!’

‘Not that interested.’

‘Yes, I was!’ She prickled, conflicted at defending the quality of a connection she’d already said goodbye to.

‘Come on, Cait,’ Jinx drawled. ‘Why deny it? I’m not saying you weren’t in love with her, but you don’t exactly have much in common. The two of you were kind of an odd mix from the get-go. Brains and brawn, you know.’

‘Opposites attract,’ she said feebly.

‘Right,’ Jinx said, quirking a cynical brow. ‘Until they realise how badly matched they are and repel each other.’

‘I’m starting to think eighty-six-ing this wasn’t such a bad idea.’

‘Okay, we won’t talk about it,’ Jinx shrugged, as if to say she didn’t care either way.

Her nonchalance was infuriating. Worse still was the smirk that followed; she knew exactly how annoyed Caitlyn was becoming, and she revelled in it.

‘Good.’ Caitlyn forced a smile and took another sip.

She’d nearly finished her drink, but Jinx had most of her cocktail left. If she wanted to, she could’ve easily made her excuses to leave there and then. Time was ticking on, getting later and later, and if they weren’t talking about the Vi situation, what was the point in talking at all? Jinx’s veil of niceties was already wearing thin. Soon, it was bound to vanish completely, and they’d be stuck in a heated confrontation with only the bartender there to pull them apart.

If Caitlyn was honest with herself, fighting with Jinx didn’t sound too bad. She was so angry at Vi for not showing. So let down. Jinx was the perfect distraction. The pair of them could argue about anything. She polished off her gin and tonic, wracking her brains for a new topic. It needed to be less triggering than the impending divorce but still bound to cause friction.

‘So,’ Jinx began, beating Caitlyn to the punch. She leant further forwards and propped her chin up on her wrist, elbow balancing on her crossed knees, ‘if Vi’s off limits, what else is there to talk about?’

‘I was just wondering the same thing,’ Caitlyn replied. ‘Are you still seeing that guy?’ The name escaped her. ‘Um… the one you work with.’

‘They’re not a guy,’ Jinx corrected. ‘They’re nonbinary, their name’s Ran, and it turns out they’re a huge asshole like all the others, so…’

Once again, Jinx shrugged, acting like what she had just said didn’t matter, but it did. Breakups were difficult, and from what Caitlyn knew from Vi, Jinx had experienced far too many; what she went through mattered very much.

‘Wow, I’m sorry,’ Caitlyn said, embarrassed by her silly mistake. Misgendering people wasn’t something she took lightly. ‘I’m not sure I ever even met them, did I? I know so little about you outside of Vi.’

‘Yup.’

‘What happened with Ran?’ Caitlyn asked out of genuine concern, but it probably seemed like she was just being nosy.

Jinx scoffed and slouched back into her chair. Glancing Caitlyn up and down in scrutiny, she bit her lip and chuckled.

‘What?’ Caitlyn demanded.

‘So, we can’t talk about your love life, but mine’s fair game?’ Jinx’s tone was teasing, but there was a warning in there somewhere, a threat behind her shimmering eyes. ‘How’s the job? Make any cool arrests lately?’

Okay, so, abrupt topic change. Caitlyn could work with that, she just had to sidestep the jab of irritation at Jinx’s choice of topic. If she wanted friction, her career choice would no doubt produce it, so there was that. Jinx knew from experience how discussions surrounding Caitlyn’s work inevitably ended badly. Maybe she was after the same thing Caitlyn was? A return to their default mode of mutual disdain. No more of that faux kindness Jinx had kicked things off with. Back to what they were both used to.

‘Why? Met any criminals lately? Other than yourself and almost everyone you associate with, of course.’ Caitlyn mocked, but a softer, almost flirtatious intonation replaced her usual edge.

That was new.

Jinx tongued her cheek and grinned, returning Caitlyn’s energy, before grimacing at her half-drunk unicorn daiquiri. ‘How about whoever invented this drink? Turns out you were right; it’s disgusting.’

Caitlyn’s head spun; she was right about something, and Jinx had freely admitted to it. This wasn’t their standard sparring. Not even close. And the energy between them… Had she misread Jinx’s intentions? What was going on?

‘Dare me to down it?’ Jinx asked.

‘…what?’

‘My drink, genius.’

Jinx giggled and stood, stretched her limbs, clicked her fingers, readying herself. And then, with a deep breath and a ‘here goes,’ she pinched her nose and drank down the rest of her foul drink in a string of hastened gulps. When it was all gone, she wiped the excess from her mouth with a triumphant grin, performed a theatrical bow for Caitlyn’s benefit, and finished with a shudder.

‘Bleugh!’ She exclaimed. ‘So, so gross!’

‘What an achievement,’ Caitlyn dryly replied, but she couldn’t deny that Jinx’s antics amused her. To her chagrin, Jinx’s company wasn’t so bad. It beat being alone with her thoughts, anyway. ‘My round, I suppose.’

‘Oh, you don’t have to keep humouring me, Cait,’ Jinx said.

It was a clear out for them to go their separate ways for the night, and probably for the rest of their lives. A short while ago, Caitlyn would’ve taken her up on it, and that would’ve been the end, but…

‘One more won’t hurt,’ Caitlyn smiled, and slung her handbag over her shoulder as she stood. ‘You need to get the taste of that shit out of your mouth.’

Before Jinx could protest, Caitlyn marched up to the bar and ordered them both a gin and tonic, but made Jinx’s the pink and fruity kind, something she’d like. As she paid, she looked over her shoulder and met Jinx’s gaze. Those penetrating eyes. It seemed the younger woman was watching her, just like Caitlyn had watched her earlier.

A jolt of excitement rippled through her before she could stop it. Fuck. No. She couldn’t let Jinx affect her like that. It was the gin, she told herself. She was tipsy and lonely, touch starved. This thing with Jinx was just drinks with someone who no longer held a place in her life. A meeting of opposing forces bound in different directions. A mutual way of saying goodbye. Nothing more.

‘Now,’ Caitlyn said, as she returned to the table and placed Jinx’s pink gin in front of her. ‘A proper drink.’

‘You really didn’t have to,’ Jinx said. She took a cautious sip, as though expecting to hate it, but the second she tasted it, her eyes lit up.

‘Good?’ Caitlyn asked. The answer was obvious from Jinx’s reaction alone, but she wanted verbal confirmation. Further acknowledgement that her instincts were right. Praise, maybe.

Chewing on her straw with a twinkling grin, Jinx looked Caitlyn up and down, lingering on her lips before flickering back to her eyes.

‘It’ll do,’ she said, playing coy. She seemed to know exactly what Caitlyn was angling for, but she wasn’t willing to give it easily. ‘So, what now?’ Her teasing tone continued, as she enjoyed more of her new drink. ‘We’ve never hung out this long without Vi or someone else interrupting.’

‘Mm,’ Caitlyn agreed. ‘To tear us apart before things turned ugly, usually.’

‘Pfft, how ugly could things have gotten, really? Who doesn’t like watching hot girls fight?’

Caitlyn twinged at the implication that Jinx found her hot. Chased the unwanted arousal down with more gin.

‘Vi, for one,’ she said, the bitterness of her drink still resting on her tongue. ‘She’d sooner knock us both out than watch us get physical like that.’

Get physical? Great choice of words, Caitlyn.

‘And look at us now,’ Jinx snickered. ‘She’d hate this even more. Her estranged little sister and almost ex-wife actually enjoying each other’s company… She wouldn’t know what to do with herself.’

It was a fair point. The scenario unfolding that night would perplex Vi beyond all reason. If they told her, she probably wouldn’t believe them, even though it was happening because of her. Her unreliability had thrust them together.

But, well, it wasn’t Vi that had kept them together. They’d made that decision for themselves. Like Jinx said, they were enjoying each other’s company. Who knew such a thing was even possible?

‘Actually, scratch that,’ Jinx said with a heavy sigh and a roll of her mesmerizing eyes, ‘I know exactly what she’d do.’

‘Oh, yeah? What’s that?’

‘She’d tell me to get the fuck away from her wife,’ Jinx said. ‘Naturally, I’d tell her to fuck off, and uh… well, I think we both know how that’d go, right?’

The words snaked under Caitlyn’s skin and lodged in her gut like sticky tar, too truthful to deny. She tried to digest them. Vi was always protective, jealous, defensive, especially when she didn’t need to be. In the end, it was partly why Caitlyn left. The redhead’s temper bested her time and time again, and Caitlyn had to pick up the pieces. They’d lost so many friendships and opportunities because Vi just couldn’t help herself. Her paranoia was too much. It made her say and do things she shouldn’t have, not caring who was there to bear witness. She even exploded around Caitlyn’s parents at the annual Progress Day Gala, humiliating everyone involved. The fact was, she needed help to cope with the trauma and bullshit of her childhood—therapy, medication, anything that might’ve brought her some peace of mind—but any time Caitlyn brought it up, it caused yet another argument.

It wasn’t hard to imagine Vi arriving at the bar, hours late and hateful, primed for a confrontation. If she saw Caitlyn and Jinx sat there, talking the way they were, gods knew what conclusions she’d spring to. She’d think they were having an affair, talking behind her back, mocking her. She’d probably do a lot worse than simply tell Jinx to leave. Jinx, her sister and only surviving family member, had been on the receiving end of Vi’s anger too many times to count.

The two were as troubled as each other, Caitlyn reminded herself. Jinx lashed out with her words, and Vi, her fists. Neither of them coped particularly well with life. Then again, neither did she, really. She was just better at pretending than they were.

‘I’m sorry,’ Caitlyn spoke into the silence that had fallen around them.

Jinx frowned, ‘for what?’

‘I just… I can’t imagine having a relationship like that with a family member,’ she admitted. ‘My parents can be a pain in the arse, but that hardly compares.’

‘Yeah, well, you’re an only child, Cait,’ Jinx said, blunt and straightforward as ever, but with a smile this time. ‘Sibling dynamics are fucking weird. Don’t worry about it.’

‘I grew up wishing I had siblings, you know. A house full of brothers and sisters, people to play with and talk to on my own level…’ Caitlyn wasn’t sure where the confession had come from, only that it was heartfelt, and it seemed like the natural thing to say. She went along with it, curious where the thought would lead her. ‘It probably sounds stupid to you, but I always felt like I was missing out on some magical part of life. D’you think… d’you think I’d be different if I wasn’t an only child? More sociable, maybe? More likeable?’

‘You are likeable, Cait,’ Jinx scoffed but kept her smile, softened her gaze, ‘honestly, I don’t think you’d be half as interesting if you weren’t so neglected and alone growing up.’

The painful truth in Jinx’s words spliced with a warm feeling of acceptance: to Jinx, Caitlyn was likeable and interesting. When and how the fuck did that happen?

‘Plus,’ Jinx continued, ‘having lots of family around isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Just means you’ve got more to lose.’

Ouch. Jinx had lost so much in her short life. So many people she’d considered family were no longer around. Dead, or worse, they’d abandoned her. So much grief. So much loss.

‘And you, Caitlyn Kiramman, are really fucking bad at losing,’ Jinx snickered, wordlessly encouraging another round of repartee.

Always the jester, especially at the expense of her own suffering. Another admirable quality.

‘I wouldn’t know,’ Caitlyn chuckled. ‘I never lose.’

‘Oh yeah?’ Jinx arched a calculating brow. ‘I seem to remember beating you at a few shooting games in the past.’

‘That’s because you cheated,’ Caitlyn gladly reminded her. ‘In a fair match, I’d win, hands down.’

‘Still with the cheating allegations?’ Jinx shook her head. Drank down more of the tasty pink gin concoction. ‘You really can’t handle losing, can you?’

‘Of course, I can,’ Caitlyn retorted, growing a little defensive. ‘When it’s earned.’

‘Pfft, I more than earned it,’ Jinx rebuffed. ‘You just can’t take it when someone’s better than you.’

‘Come on,’ Caitlyn scoffed. ‘It’s not about being better or worse, it’s—’

‘Bullshit!’ Jinx interrupted, springing forwards across the small table so they were almost nose to nose. ‘I’m a better shot than you are, and it kills you.’

Her breath tickled Caitlyn’s lips. It was sweet and heady with booze and the slightest trace of cigarette smoke, almost irresistible… it seemed so easy to lean in a little further and…

What the hell was she thinking!?

It was like Jinx read her mind. She remained in Caitlyn’s personal space, propped up by her strong wrists either side of Caitlyn’s folded, sweaty hands and half-supped gin and tonic. Caitlyn fiddled with her rings and the stem of her glass, shifted in her seat, avoiding Jinx’s astute stare however she could. A long, slender finger traced her jaw and hooked under her chin, forcing her to look back up.

‘Admit it,’ Jinx said, huskier than before. Her nail dug into Caitlyn’s skin. ‘Or are you gonna deny this, too?’

Cheeks on fire and her core throbbing, Caitlyn steadied her breathing and examined the provocative woman a hair’s breadth away from her face.

‘Fine, I’ll admit it,’ she said. ‘Leaving Vi was a relief.’

Jinx’s eyes sparkled as she spoke. ‘And?’

‘And…’

Caitlyn met Jinx’s coaxing finger with her own. Stroked over the slope of bone and wrinkles of the joint, up to the knuckle, where finger transitioned into hand. Jinx’s hands were soft, not what Caitlyn expected of someone whose main pastime was fixing and dismantling whatever technology she could find. Vi was a builder by trade, and her hands were rough and calloused, but Jinx’s…

‘I’m definitely the better shot,’ Caitlyn teased, and bridged the tiny gap between them with a kiss before Jinx could respond with another witty comeback.

If she could’ve blamed it on the alcohol, she would have, but she wasn’t drunk enough for that. Caitlyn was in control, perfectly aware of what she was doing. Her reasoning was… well, she wasn’t listening much to reason. She listened to her gut, and her gut told her she wanted this. She wanted Jinx and all the mess that inevitably came with her.

Their kiss lingered a few seconds before Jinx pulled away. Her wet lips parted in a hazy grin, but her quizzical eyes and the downwards tug of her brow betrayed her confusion. Caitlyn watched, stupefied by her own actions, as Jinx’s mouth shifted to form speech, preparing to ask questions Caitlyn had no answers for.

‘Your round,’ Caitlyn blurted out. Neither of them had finished their current glassful, but it was all she could think to say.

Jinx stood and collected herself. Gave Caitlyn a rushed, hesitant smile, almost like she’d grown shy. Jinx was never shy. Never.

‘I need a cigarette,’ she said, and darted outside, leaving Caitlyn in disarray.

#caitjinx #pistolwhip #fanfic #modern au #crack ship #caitlyn kiramman #jinx #vi #advices and vices #part 1 #a proper drink #i had to write this lol #they have me by the throat #mature

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