#physical therapy. and they keep telling me they know and I don’t need to bother writing it on the calendar. that it’ll just take up space.

[toomuchdickfort]

.

[chaoticbardlady99]

I Took All This Love I Found and I Hope That it's Enough (Astarion x GN! reader)

Part 2 to “Yesterday I Was Dancing”

Author note- thank you for all the love on my last mental health fiction! I am so glad I could make so many people feel heard and loved during a difficult time :) WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS PEOPLE!!!!!!! Also I wrote this with my experience with CPTSD in mind and how my boyfriend is with me.

Title from the song “Only Love” by PVRIS

I leave you with this quote by Jamie Tworkowski:

“We’re all in this together. It’s okay to be honest. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to say you’re stuck, or that you’re haunted or that you can’t begin to let go. We can all relate to those things. Screw the stigma that says otherwise. Break the silence and break the cycle, for you are more than just your pain. You are not alone. And people need other people.”

I promise I tried to keep it as reader friendly as possible by keeping description to a minimum- please scroll with your mental health in mind. I don’t care that I’m telling you ‘not to’ and now you ‘want to’- save it for later and before therapy. Please call 988 if it becomes too much- the world still needs you.

CW: C/PTSD symptoms, physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, torture

Likes, comments, and reblogs are greatly appreciated :) thank you to all of you who have helped me find my love of writing again!

*picture is not mine and does not belong to me. Please reach out if it’s yours so I can give you credit.

Astarion knows what he’s feeling is not necessarily normal- he should not be this outrageously terrified that you are talking to your other companions around the fire.

Laughing. Joking. Touching.

You could have anyone you like and Astarion had managed to sweep you up first. In spite of telling Astarion you only want him (after he observed an interesting discussion between you and Gale), he knows eventually you’ll discover that Astarion is only good for one thing- sex. Astarion’s chest tightens at the thought and then he feels that wave of fear that sits and rots in the pit of his stomach.

You laugh brightly again.

I’m going to lose them.

Astarion’s recent onset of agitation and anxiety has become all consuming. It hasn’t been this bad since the beginning of your sordid adventure (sordid to him anyway). His paranoia- specifically towards you- had caused him to, in his opinion, act bizarrely.

While you had been in a brutal fight with the Githyanki earlier that week- Astarion had been cornered by the Inquistor and he froze- checked out, if you will. Unfortunately, Astarion has been checked out ever since and when he does check back in- Astarion feels terribly uncomfortable and like the world is caving in on him.

What’s making it all even worse is that Astarion just wants to talk to you about it and wants to ask to be held or have you gently play with his hair like you do. Anything to make this horrible disgusting feeling towards himself- his own skin- go away. If he could just feel loved for five minutes…

No, that is not the plan. The plan is NOT to depend on them for anything other than physical protection.

But honestly? He really could give a shit less about his ‘masterfully crafted’ plan.

Astarion feels desperately alone in the world right now and he needs you. Only he won’t bother you- Astarion wants you to want to be with him and that means he needs to show off his assets. You couldn’t possibly want him like this- a sniveling, fearful mess.

Astarion knows he’s been giving you emotional whiplash ever since the Creche. He’s been fighting every decision you make, breaking things when the urge arises (nothing valuable, just some plates he’s stolen), been so angry at you that you have cried 5 different times, begs you to forgive him, runs away from you, and then freezes all over again. Today is one of the first days he’s seen a genuine smile on your face all week.

Astarion had also kicked you out of his tent- his skin crawling from the nightmares plaguing his trances all week. He regretted it pretty much instantly, but didn’t know how to ask you to come back.

His lack of rationale is ruining his plan entirely.

The dreams- they are always about Cazador. How he’s tortured him; physically, emotionally, and sexually. Last night, Astarion relived one of the more recent times Cazador had brutually raped him and then proceeded to let a couple of his politician friends go at him too. Cazador wanted him to remember what he was- is- only good for because Astarion had neglected to bring home someone for the Vampire Lord to consume.

The other nights, he went back to being flayed, being buried alive for a year, and receiving the carvings in his back. Astarion always wakes up feeling small, alone, and terrified- completely paralyzed and stuck in his body.

Through it all, you have been nothing but kind to him. You have attempted to understand why Astarion has been acting this way and, because he’s his own worst enemy, the more you give to him- the more he pushes you away.

Now Astarion is facing the very reality he was trying to prevent by pushing you away- you leaving him for someone else. Halsin gives you light brushes with his fingers, Karlach bumps your knees together, Gale gives you adoring smiles, Lae’zel has given you her undivided attention, and Shadowheart whispers into your ear just a little too close.

You are a bright light in camp- everyone has immediately been taken by you and that’s actually probably the only thing this group agreed on for a while. Even Astarion has come to genuinely care about you and doesn’t want to share you with anyone else.

As everyone begins to go to their respective tents- you hesitate by the fire and look at him. Astarion feels shame course through his bones when he notices how nervous you are as you slightly shake and the weariness written all over your face. He had just been taking care of you- you had let him in, why can’t he let you?

Astarion smiles brightly and feels successful when you beam- practically skipping over to talk to him.

“Well hello, Darling,” he purrs, “to what do I owe the pleasure?”

You shift uncomfortably, “I just…. Astarion- are you okay? You’ve really not been yourself this week.”

Astarion feels every alarm bell in his body go off. He needs to save this quickly. Astarion can’t make you think he’s too much effort to be with or too much work. He doesn’t want you to realize that with as much pleasure as he can give you- he will never be someone you love long-term. He is far too messy. Astarion is a temporary camp for your heart right now and he needs to make sure it’s a long rest- despite how much he doesn’t really want to have sex right now. Astarion would actually prefer to be entangled with you and just talk- no sex, just intimacy.

How silly of him.

“My dear,” he says pulling you in close, his lips hovering over yours, “wouldn’t you rather we be doing something more… exciting with our mouths than talking? You are far too enticing for me to just talk to you right now.”

Astarion can tell from your eyes that you are frowning- he can fix this.

Astarion presses his lips to yours in a crushing, possessive kiss. He walks backwards into his tent, pulling you in by your hips, and pulls you down with him to the bed roll.

When you go to speak, Astarion flips you over on your back and begins kissing along your neck, grinding into you, and pressing your body down with his.

“Astarion,” you whisper.

He ignores you and keeps going.

“Astarion,” you say a little louder this time.

Astarion isn’t even in the building anymore- he’s fighting the walk down memory lane his brain wants to take. Whatever he needs to do to keep you near him. Astarion nips at the skin on your neck.

“Astarion!” You exclaim, gently pushing him off you causing him to jump back.

Astarion feels himself snap out of whatever dissociative prison that he was in and begins to have a surge of panic even worse than before. Now he misses that stupid, angry fog that’s been shielding him from whatever the hells this is!

“I’m sorry- I ruined it didn’t I? Fuck,” Astarion practically shouts, then begins rambling“ I’m so sorry Tav. I’ll do anything to make it up to you. I know I’ve been terrible and I don’t deserve your forgiveness or you but-“

A choked sob interrupts Astarion’s sentence. He’s crying now, the emotions are whirling around, bouncing from one side of his brain to another. Images of terrible experiences flashing by and he’s already imagining every worst case scenario. Maybe you’ll flay him? Or lay him back down and ride him until he’s begging for you to stop or until he can’t cry anymore? Bury him alive?

“Please be gentle,” Astarion sobs into his hands, trying to cover his shame while pleading with you, “just don’t leave me- I’m so sorry. I’ll never do it again- I’ll be better.”

Astarion curls in on himself, his head hiding between his knees. Astarion is mentally preparing for the first act of violence towards him tonight- he imagines there is more to come after.

“Oh my Star,” you sigh sadly, “I could never ever hurt you- emotionally, physically, and I certainly won’t allow you to hurt yourself by forcing yourself have sex with me.”

Astarion feels his mood switch in an instant- now he’s hostile, digging his hands into his calves.

He chuckles bitterly before looking at you with angry eyes, “so this is where you tell me you’re done right? I can’t do the one fucking thing I’m good for so now what? Gale more to your taste? Or what about Shadowheart- you were quite keen on letting her whisper in your ear all night. Better yet, I bet Halsin will fuck you until you are fucking screaming like the whore you are under the Gods damn stars!”

Astarion’s words feel like venom coating his throat. He hates himself right now- he doesn’t know why he is saying what he’s saying- why he’s so hostile. You are you- wonderful, amazing you! Why can’t he just tell you he’s struggling?

Your expression is unreadable and you are studying him- Astarion can see the gears going behind your head. He puts his head back into the crook of his legs- not wanting to witness you leave him once and for all.

“I love your voice,” you say quietly, “and the way you talk- despite how much the words being used are hurting me right now. I love how brilliant you are and you are single-handedly the funniest person I’ve ever met.”

Astarion is looking at you, tears threatening to spill again. The way you are smiling at him is insane- you should be institutionalized. You are looking at him as if he’s the sun, the moon, and all the stars. Maybe even the whole galaxy- if he’s actually this lucky.

“I have missed being around you so much this week,” you continue talking in a hushed, gentle tone, “but I know that this is not you and that you are really really scared. You must know though- my affection for you, my adoration- to hells with it- my feelings for you is not fragile- it is not conditional. I will not be withholding it from you or leaving you because you need time to heal. I will continue to be here- in whatever way you need me-for as long as you will have me.

“I like you a lot Astarion. I really do- it has never been about what you can do for me. You’re my favorite everything. You don’t ever have to return my feelings- we can just be friends if that’s all you ever want. I am not your Master, Astarion- and neither is Cazador. You are your own person.”

He feels overcome with emotion- relief, joy, shock. Astarion never thought he could care about someone this much- let alone have them reciprocate those affections. Astarion practically tackles you into a bone crushing hug- knocking you flat on the ground. He feels warm when a pleased giggle shakes your body. Astarion inhales deeply- your scent squashing every negative emotion he is feeling temporarily.

Astarion feels instant comfort when your arms wrap around his torso and you adjust so that his head is laying on your chest. You stroke and play with his hair absentmindedly in the way he’s been craving for the past several days.

Astarion lays there and just listens to your heartbeat. Every thump that echoes inside your body relieves some of the pressure in his chest. Astarion’s back and shoulders still feel tight with nerves and rage, his legs are taught and ready to run, but at least now he doesn’t feel like he’s dying. Again.

“I’m sorry Darling,” Astarion sniffs, “I promise I’m not always this high maintenance.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for Star,” he can hear your sweet smile in your voice, “I’m right here when you’re ready. The maintenance isn’t hard for me- I’m here and I care.

“And like you told me- I am here to help you when you lose to yourself and need someone to just stand with you in the storm. We’ll get through this together from now on- no more hiding.”

“No more hiding- for either of us,” Astarion quietly agrees.

For the first time in a long time- Astarion has hope. Maybe he is more than just a body to enjoy in bed.

Tag-list: @spacebarbarianweird @domainoflostsouls

[kinardsevan]

wip thursday (almost friday)

I've been tagged by a handful of you this week (@perfectlysunny02 @typicalopposite @marvelousbuckley to name a few), but the evil covid got me this week and I've basically been asleep for days. The few hours I've been awake, I've tried to get more of the next chapter of Empty Bones written, so here:

-

“I try to tell myself that we should be grateful his legs weren’t as injured and that they’ve mostly managed to heal with rest. That- that, the internal injuries could mostly heal themselves. But this won’t be something that goes away. He’s going to live with it in some form or another for the rest of his life,” he replies. “And that’s before we start talking about the physical scars.” 

Maddie is quiet, and Tommy’s not sure, but knowing the petite woman and how protective she is about Evan, it wouldn’t surprise him if she was crying. 

“I worry that when he’s healed—fuck, I worry about it even now—that he’s going to see those scars and have more self-hatred,” he states quietly. “It bothers me so much to know they’re there.” 

“You have to tell yourself they’re a reminder he survived,” Maddie responds, her voice shaky, but firm in intonation. “That’s what I had to do with mine. They’re not a sign of weakness. They’re proof of life.” 

Tommy clears his throat at her words, bouncing his foot against the floor. He tries not to think about Evan’s scars in that context because it means that something happened in the first place. Something that put him in harm’s way. Something he couldn’t stop. 

“Are you doing okay with all of this,” Maddie asks after a pause. “I know it’s a lot, and I haven’t been around enough-..” 

“You have a toddler and a busy life too,” Tommy cuts her off, ignoring her question. “I might not have expected this particular line of events, but I agreed to this when I told your brother I’m in love with him, and I’m not going to walk now.” 

“It’s still a lot,” Maddie argues lightly. “And you didn’t answer me.” 

Tommy rolls the inside of his cheek between his teeth, staring down at the floor. “I’m in therapy about it. Spending far more time than I’d like to talking about what it’s like to see the person I love suffer. But no, I’m not okay about it. I’m not okay seeing him go into surgery when I feel like I should’ve been there to prevent it from happening in the first place. I'm not okay knowing someone I trusted hurt him the way he did. I'm not okay knowing how he hurt him, and that I saw it. I could’ve lived my entire life never seeing Evan like that.” He pauses for a moment, his face twitching with anger. His throat is tight with unexpressed feelings. “He’s finally starting to move forward, and I keep seeing-…” He huffs, shaking his head. “Seeing images you don’t need in your head.” 

“That’s good though,” Maddie says back to him softly. “That he’s starting to move forward.” 

Tommy nods, wiping at the angry tears falling. “You’re right. It is. But it makes me feel like an asshole for still having unresolved feelings about it.” 

[kywaslost]

hello! is it okay if i can request headcannons for aizawa with a student who has a processing disorder and has to have things like simplified for them? i have something called auditory processing disorder and i cant really understand people sometimes, so i need things simplified for me or for someone to say something slower so i can understand it better. im sorry if this will be a bother!

Reader Has A Processing Disorder - Aizawa

A/N: Hi! This isn’t a bother at all! In fact, I enjoyed researching the different processing disorders, especially since I really love Anatomy and Physiology or anything to do with the human body. I decided to include all processing disorders, if that’s alright! Hope you enjoy it!

I found all of the information in this fic here.

Auditory Processing Disorder (APD) - impacts comprehension and recall of what you hear and auditory processing in the brain; can result in issues related to listening for children, including repeated requests for clarification of spoken directions, or difficulty understanding conversations if they’re in a noisy place.

When you tell Aizawa about your APD, it really doesn’t bother him

You need him to clarify or repeat himself? He can do that.

You ask to audio record each class? He lets you sit in the front row to better pick up the audio

Takes you to speech therapy if you ask him to, since it’s off campus

Helps you learn sign language if that’s what you’d like so you’ll be able to understand him better

When you do your work studies, it can get loud and hard for you to understand your mentor, so you end up using sign language a lot outside of the classroom

Overall, Aizawa is willing to do anything to help you excel in the classroom

Just because you have trouble processing sounds doesn’t mean you should fall behind your classmates

Like I said earlier, your APD doesn’t change the way he thinks about you or how he treats you

Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) - can result in over-responsiveness to sensory input, such as extreme sensitivity to loud noise or itchy clothing, or under responsiveness, which could be shown as a lack of awareness of personal space or a desire for thrill seeking.

Aizawa is much more aware about how you feel and how you’re acting when he learns you have SPD.

Your school uniform is too itchy or the fabric bothers you? He helps you talk to Nezu about ordering a new uniform in a fabric that doesn’t bother you.

The lights are too bright? He dims them down as much as he can without making the other students sleepy.

It’s too loud? Let’s you wear noise-canceling headphones and uses sign language for the rest of class as he speaks so you don’t miss anything.

Knows if you have aversions to certain foods and their textures

Keeps foods that you’re comfortable with in a drawer in his desk in case of emergencies

Have trouble moving, like climbing stairs or going far distances? Aizawa will walk with you to make sure you get to your location alright

Or makes sure someone is always with you

Your quirk doesn’t require you to do much physical activity, so you should be ok in that aspect

On the other hand, if you’re under stimulated and can’t sit still, Aizawa has plenty of fidget toys for you to mess around with

Notices when you begin to chew on your pencil or hoodie strings and gives you something else to do so you aren’t constantly chewing on things

Yet again, he tries to help you the best he can to make sure you’re comfortable and not a threat to yourself or others

Visual Processing Disorder (VPD) - one may not be able to distinguish between shapes, have difficulty copying notes from the board, or have difficulty remembering the correct sequence for letters or numbers in a series.

Aizawa is going to need to help you a bit more with this one

But he doesn’t mind

Knows you struggle with taking notes so he’ll either give you his notes or makes sure that one of your classmates helps you with your own notes

If you’re asked to read aloud in class, he’ll help you since you often mix up letters

But he tries his best to keep you from reading in class

He knows how embarrassed you get by it sometimes

Offers to help you with math homework

Especially when you have to do the same online assignment 8 times to get 100% just because your numbers move around on you (not me in calculus yesterday…)

Writes even bigger on the board to help you try and keep your letters and numbers in the right order

Schedules study sessions with you to make sure you’re keeping up with him and the other students

Helps you in as many ways as possible

[my-castles-crumbling]

hi Cas,

how are you doing? And also sorry for bothering you I just didn’t really have anyone in real life I could ask about this so I sort of had to turn to you.

so I wanna start this off by saying that I have like pretty good mental health I think, or like yk the normal amount of bad for a teenager but I think im doing pretty well, I don’t sh, I have really good friends and a good family and in general nothing crazy traumatic has happened to me in the past.

my thing is that I’m like shitttt with going to bed/falling asleep but like I think it’s worse than the usual type of ‘I find it hard to get to sleep’

I definitely get racing thoughts and restlessness but I’m pretty sure I have ADHD so it might just be that but also when I try and go to bed a lot of the time I feel like I can feel something on top of me pushing me into the mattress, it’s pretty freaky and it’s so vivid that I can feel it breathing and everything like it’s an actual living creature forcefully pushing me down. I never see or hear anything though and I don’t get sleep paralysis ever - this all happens when I’m still wide awake and trying to get to sleep.

on top of that most of the time when I sleep I have nightmares especially specific recurring ones and also lots of times I have serial killer nightmares where I die really graphically and also I often don’t wake up when I die like your meant to, usually I die 2-3 times in a nightmare. Like I said apart from this I have a great life but this stuff really really freaks me out and I’m always tired because I try to avoid sleep as much as I can. It’s only worse if I go to bed earlier because if I stay up till four ish my sleep is usually dreamless but any earlier and it’s everything I’ve just described.

I’ve always had issues with nightmares and sleep but it’s just gotten worse as I’ve gotten older and I’ve never really told anyone how bad it is. Plus telling people I struggle with sleep because I get nightmares feels super awkward and immature so I don’t really want to talk about it irl except maybe to my friends but I don’t wanna like dump on them too much and I don’t want them to think I’m vying for pity because I’m really not

am I like going crazy? Or is this like completely normal and I’m just tweaking? And do you think there’s anything I can do to stop it?

I completely understand if you feel like it’s something you can‘t actually advise on btw

and I hope you have a really great day! could you call me satellite anon? [after the Harry Styles song haha]

Hi hon!

I'm so sorry, this sounds awful.

So I'm not gonna say this is normal, because it's not like...ideal. But you're NOT crazy.

Nightmares, especially like this, can be an actual disorder. Like, something you can get medication or therapy for. I'm not saying this to make you feel crazy, I'm saying this because you're not immature. This is a thing that is real and you deserve help with.

Honestly, I would tell an adult. You need sleep, you know? And if you explain it like you did to me, hopefully the adult you tell will understand that you need to get some help.

Again, you're not crazy. There's just such thing as a literal nightmare disorder, where your brain struggles entering REM sleep properly. And like...since it's a physical thing, you need to see a physical doctor.

Keep me updated! I know how much lack of sleep sucks, so hopefully if you tell an adult, they'll able to get you some help.

[wetclits]

Pluto’s 2023 Guide To a healthy Self

In 2023, I believe that creating my appearance will help me become the woman I want to be in life. However, to look good you have to feel good! So here are some things I’ll be practicing to keep my mental , physical , spiritual , and financial health in check.

Mental Health, Do’s & Do Not’s:

Do NOT, internalize feelings for those who don’t spare yours!

DO, keep things that make you happy close to yourself, if you suffer from a weak mentality (like me) do spare yourself the drama of having others input their feelings on things that make YOU happy.

Do NOT, overthink choices you believe will be good for you. In order to grow we must take chances. If you believe said choice is what you need, then fuck it! In 2023, we must put ourselves first (speaking to the ones who provide for or live in toxic households), it’s okay to put you first. You is all you have and you have to protect yourself.

DO, separate yourself from those who make you question your confidence. Anyone who is around you that makes you feel like you’re less than what you are shouldn’t be in your presence. It’s not worth it

Do NOT, shy away from who you are to become something that someone else wants you be. Those people only want you to become something you’re not because they wish to be who you are!

DO, write down your feelings. For a person like me, I am not able to put my feelings in words during a conversation, so I often send texts or write how I feel. It’s okay to feel and be emotional but don’t internalize them. And if you are those people who can express themselves in words. Please don’t hold back. Tell the world how you feel because they’ll never know if you stay quiet. 

DO, seek therapy if you need it. I am a black girl with trauma. I know in most families, mental health is taken as a joke and I also know some of us are silenced and have to sit amongst our abusers or assaulters at family functions. So, For YOU, please go to therapy. You need to let that hurt out because if you don’t you won’t heal. Also if you are apart of the families that’ll rather silence you than face the situation! Separate yourself. It’s not worth it.

Physical Health, Do’s & Do Not’s:

Do NOT, overwork yourself. If you know when you stop drinking you should know when your body needs a break.

DO, moisturize your skin and hair!

Do NOT, vape. You do not need that shit.

DO, keep a positive mindset and attitude. If your mind is happy so is your body

DO, stretch! You’re too young to have back and knee problems (I’m talking to myself also).

DO, drink water. A lot of it, we need it.

Do NOT, let your diet only consist of snacks and fast food. Have a real meal. And eat some damn fruit!

DO, take your vitamins, I take Apple Cider vitamins, Vitamin C, Fenugreek, and Prenatal vitamins ( I am not pregnant but their basically just a multivitamin that of things essential to our bodies.

DO, exfoliate! If you don’t care for your skin while you’re young imagine how hard it will be when you’re older! We want soft skin forever.

Spiritual Health, Do’s & Do Not’s:

Do NOT, let your soul be bothered by simple things such as: men or haters.

DO, meditate. Learn who your body is on a spiritual level.

DO, try out shadow work! Shadow work is the reason I’ve become okay with who I am today. Even if it’s bad. Shadow work helps us understand and appreciate the good and bad in us. No one is perfect!

DO, Manifest! Ask for what you want and if it’s good for you it’ll come.

Do NOT, let ANYONE who gives you bad vibes into your home or room. That is your space, if they give you bad vibes in public, imagine how it’ll be in private.

DO, cleanse your space. Burn incenses, candles, use Florida water, burn sage. As an alternative for sage, my used to burn coal I’m not sure if it’s effective but it’s peaceful.

DO, pray! I know we manifest and some confuse that for praying but know that it’s important to give thanks to the entity that gives you the things you want!

Financial Health, Do’s & Do Not’s:

Do NOT, get the credit card. You don’t need it. Atleast if you’re not financially responsible! It’ll just overwhelm you and mess up your credit.

DO, if you can, I know saving / having money left over is a luxury. For those who can manage to save please do. It’s important to have a bit of money left over for emergency.

DO, set a limit for your spending / budget. Prioritize bills and responsibilities ( rent, phone, internet, traveling, groceries, utilities ) then if you can, set aside for savings and aside for YOU.

Do NOT, touch the savings. I have an entirely different bank that automatically takes money of my primary account every pay week to avoid mixing the money up. My issue is I see the money then I want to eat the money. Once you touch the savings it’s hard to stop!

DO, for those who can, set an amount to stay above in your account. Whether it’s $5, $50, $100 or $500! I believe this has taught me financial responsibility. Right now starting for staying above $100 in august I am able to manage my money in a way that I say above $500 and hopefully by February I’ll be able to stay above $700!

DO, treat yourself. We spend a lot on helping others and sometimes those who help the most don’t help themselves. If you can after you handle responsibilities, buy yourself that meal or that bag or those shoes. You deserve to use the funds you earn!

Do NOT, order out all the damn time. The goal is to save and be rich. Cook sometimes. Dine out in person, its cheaper. But do NOT, order food! The fees alone will take us out!

DO, if you want to build credit with out the cards, use third party subscriptions. I use “kikoff”, in short terms they report to credit bureaus that you got approved for a $750 credit card (you didn’t) and every month for 12 months you pay $5-$10 depending on which service you use and as long as you pay it your credit will rise. By the end of the 12 months, you’ll get the money you gave to them back also! I started in Oct 2022 with a 552 credit score now it’s December and I have a 582 credit score!

[softxsuki]

Hello Han!

Okay so, I hope I'm not wasting your time...but i really wanted to say this. Ik there are some people who are taking advantage of the "urgent requests" that you provide. I won't say anything bad about those people because they might be undergoing something bad which might not be visible to others (maybe), BUT I would definitely love to say something about YOU.

So despite going through your own issues, work and many other issues that you haven't shared with anyone because they're just so private, you still continue to write here? I'm sure you do get bothered by people who take advantage of your urgent requests, and the ones who ask you to write stuff you're not comfortable with (even tho your rules specifically tell them not to do that). But you didn't let that stop you.

If I were you, I would've stopped doing urgent requests. But you are so considerate. You didn't stop writing urgent requests because you knew some people genuinely needed them.

I really, really wanna thank you for that...and everything else you do here. I've been in a very bad place mentally and physically and my poor relations with my family did little to help (i had no access to any form of therapy). But yk what actually helped me? One of those urgent requests you wrote. It wasn't my request, it was someone else's. Doesn't matter. You probably don't know how many lives you saved, but I can speak for myself and say that you saved my life. I'm much better now, so nothing to worry about. Thank you so much for continuing to write despite all big and small hurdles you've faced.

I truly feel that you're a very very good person, you answer asks daily and try to do your best. I genuinely want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for being here and doing what you do.

One more thing, never ever feel that you're taking too long to write a request or that someone will be disappointed that you haven't made progress in a while. Even if one day you get really busy in life and stop writing, for me, you'll still be the sweet angel who has already done so much. You're supposed to put yourself first, okay?

Sorry that was so so long, I just wanted to appreciate you. Thank you, Han.

P.S. give me an anon name if you can <3

Hello new anon! I don’t know how long you’ve been around or if you’ve ever sent me an ask before or not, but I want to thank YOU, for sending this to me tonight. Seriously, you’re an absolute Angel HENCE why I’ll call you my 😇 (Angel) anon 💗. VERY FITTING IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF

First of all, you’re definitely NOT wasting my time by writing all this. I loved every word of this ask and I’m literally screenshoting it and saving it so I can re-read it for the rest of my life!!! You almost got me crying 🥹

Yes, despite the urgent requests I get that I sometimes feel like people don’t really need, I do still write them most of the time without saying anything bc you never know, just like you said! I even have regular requests that I get and they don’t necessarily inspire me, but I’ve had other blogs completely ignore my requests and it does hurt sometimes! I’ve had to refuse some requests if I have no knowledge of the topic or if they make me uncomfortable, but I let them all know! That’s better than being left in the dark or ignored completely. In my opinion.

But yes, I do still take urgent requests and always will. I was actually planning on closing my urgent requests just so I could focus more on my matchup event bc I had like 4-5 urgent requests come in and I did get a little overwhelmed and anxious bc I know I was keeping people who probably only followed my blog so they could get their matchup done, waiting. I’m always so focused on other people and I just want to help make everyone happier. It’s my biggest fear to disappoint anyone or even write something for them that doesn’t meet their standards. That’s why as a writer I’m always second guessing myself and whether I did a good job or not, so this whole message just really made me feel so nice inside 🥹💗. Anyway yes what I was trying to say; thanks to your message I’m now deciding that I WONT be closing my urgent requests, bc I still do want people to have a place to go if they TRULY need the help. Not just bc they want to have their request written faster (I get it tho bc I have over 100 pending requests) but I want people to feel heard, to feel like they have a safe space and I love creating that space of comfort and safety through their favorite characters!

Also with my regular requests, those are also always open because I want people to be able to always have somewhere they can throw their ideas! I’m a creative person, I constantly live in my mind where I’m always coming up with different scenarios and I wish I could have a place to share those ideas and see them come to life through a drabble or whatever (other than just writing them for myself bc it’s not the same NDNSSN). So my blog is that place for everyone! Yes, it is overwhelming seeing that I have 113 pending requests, and I feel guilty for making people wait, but I try to make it as clear as possible that it will take me quite awhile to get to their request. I have some ppl who have been waiting a little over a year for their request to be written 😢 (sorry peeps). But at least their idea is out in the world and as long as their request inspires me and doesn’t make me uncomfortable I WILL write it eventually :).

Wow I went on a whole rant LOL SORRY

But that really touched my heart to hear that an urgent request you read (that you didn’t even request) helped you out of a bad place in your life. I can’t give myself the credit bc I owe everything to God for motivating me to start this blog, for giving me the talent (?) of being able to write, and for sending all these good people my way! I’m so relieved to hear you’re doing better, I’m blessed to be able to speak to you. Idk who you are, BUT you’re forever engrained in my memory and heart and I’m proud of you for getting through that rough patch in your life 💗 I’m so happy you exist in this world and that we crossed paths 💗

Thank you for your lovely words 💗. I definitely am busy 5 days a week at work and on my days off, sometimes I don’t have the energy to write, so thanks for saying that! I’ll try to put myself first sometimes!

I appreciate you so much my new 😇anon! Please have a wonderful rest of your day/night! I look forward to hearing from you soon! I’m always here to chat 🥰💗💗💗💗

[uptonogoodindiememes]

One Tree Hill Sentence Meme - Don't Dream It's Over

“You sure? I mean, I could be a psycho,”

“One would think that since they charge by the hour for this little venture, you might be more punctual,”

“Okay, so this is a huge waste of money,”

“Maybe I just don’t like her,”

“Working on the weekend sucks,”

“I’m sorry, I’ll talk to her,”

“Oh no, it’s him,”

“I think you’d really like them if you got to know em,”

“Can I fix you some breakfast?”

“You’re absolutely right, that was poor judgment on my part,”

“I don’t understand why you act like this,”

“Maybe you should go back to New York, I mean if you’re this unhappy here,”

“What I will not do, however, is hold my tongue when I think you are making a mistake,”

“Okay, look, I panicked, alright?”

“In case you haven’t noticed, I have a few other problems to deal with right now,”

“What is this, bad cop, dumb cop?”

“So how’s physical therapy?”

“I know I went to an ivy league school, but if she keeps it up, she’s gonna get her ass kicked,”

“Just because someone has history with a person, doesn’t mean that’s who they should be with,”

“Sorry to bother you, can I get an autograph?”

“Aside from noticing hot bartenders, how has your love life been?”

“We all have stuff we’re afraid of,”

“You know I’m deathly afraid of clowns,”

“I’ll do whatever it takes for me to remain eligible,”

“You made the right decision,”

“Hot bartender guy coming this way,”

“I thought you were asking for my autograph,”

“I’m sorry I disappeared,”

“I just needed time to think about everything, and honestly, I don’t think I’m the one to do all this with,”

“Alright, maybe you're right, maybe your not ready,”

“I don’t need to be famous, and I don’t need all the money in the world,”

“I take it back, maybe you are ready,”

“I know this has all been really hard on you, but I need you to trust me,”

“I love you and I appreciate you and maybe I don’t say that enough,”

“You’re working late,”

“I saw your light on, which isn’t that surprising, I know how hard you work,”

“You haven’t been yourself lately,”

“You showed up in LA three years ago and ambushed me,”

“You wanna talk truth! Let's tell the truth!”

“Whatever this is, I don’t feel right about it,”

“Tough day?”

“I’m gonna head home,”

“By home, I hope you mean my place,”

“Actually, I’m not feeling very well,”

“I’m sure it’s nothing, I’ll get a good nights rest and be back to normal,”

[diagnosedbiologicalfailure]

tw: needles

Today is Injection Day. 

I haven’t been injecting for that long, honestly. I had about six months of it, and then my rheumatologist didn’t sign the PA for another six months or tell me for two that I needed another TB test (I guess I have to have that every year to renew treatment? I don’t know, he doesn’t tell me anything), and then I moved to another state, and so I didn’t have it for almost a year of all of that combined and now this is my second injection back on it. 

I am okay with it every day but Injection Day. I am badass, I am metal, I am punk, I am Taken Seriously, I am brave enough to stab myself with a needle full of liquid that may or may not hurt going in for 15 seconds (this new formula isn’t supposed to hurt, I never had to suffer the original one), and then I put a cool space band-aid on it (from a brand that is so expensive but I have to use because normal band-aids rip my skin off, and I need something cute or pretty in order to deal with injecting), and for three or four days after the injection spot will itch like crazy and it will feel like I’m carving holes into my skin from scratching so hard and so often. A black hole of itchiness. 

But my spine will not fuse. Not if it itches. Not if I take this medication as directed every two weeks for the rest of my life. 

I am only angry on Injection Days. 

Angry that this is how I have to bear the brunt of the trauma of my life up until now. Angry that I don’t get to be like everyone else, that this is the manifestation I have to be worried about now. Angry that doctors can take this away by not bothering to do their job. Angry that I can’t travel without thinking of if I can take my medication or how to bring it or worry over if it’s frozen or thawed or unusable or how I’m going to keep it refrigerated or how I have to keep track of time to take it and which leg I took it on last and call to get it refilled and how to pick it up or have it shipped because I am not allowed to fill it at my normal pharmacy or how to afford it when the copay assistance program runs out. 

How I hurt when I can’t have it, the hell of going back into constant flares. 

How I can’t sleep through the night if I stop taking it from the pain and stiffness in my back and my hips. How my ribs get so stiff that I can’t breathe, how I roll onto the floor from my bed (I have to always make sure I can roll onto the floor from my bed) and stop breathing just from the pain in my back that even Prednisone and hot showers can’t take away. How I feel it in my hands first, and how I can't even pull a blanket onto me because of the pain.

I am fucking livid on Injection Days because I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS. I don’t want this to be my life. Injecting myself every other week and not being able to do anything else about it. An endless cycle of get it out of the fridge an hour before to warm it up, that’s supposed to make it hurt less-find a spot that won’t hurt to pierce-prep-dry-look at the liquid, is the liquid clear, is the liquid safe-pinch skin with aching, shaking, unsteady hEDS hands-press to skin-hold finger on button-hyperventilate-please god don’t mess this up-press the button-press the button-press the goddamn button-press the fucking button-press the button-wait-wait-wait-is it 15 seconds yet-lift-is the yellow indicator visible-did you do it correctly it’s so simple you dumb fuck-hope the medication made it in you-should you be worried about the drop on your skin-bandaid-wait-there it is, the itchiness, thank god, that means it worked-itch-itch-itch-okay good you finally stopped itching-time to do it again.

There is a patient at the physical therapy clinic I work at who took my same biologic for a different autoimmune disease and it gave him yet another autoimmune disease. He is younger than me (and I am still young) and cannot walk. I am worried that one day it might happen to me. It could, just as easily as the medication could help me keep the disease at bay. Not cure it, never cure it. Just keep it from disintegrating the function of my spine and fusing it into a stick of bamboo. That’s what they call it: bamboo spine.

I am so tired of the loneliness of this experience. Of what it means for me in a pandemic that no one else cares about anymore. I am scared, and lonely, and I don’t want to inject myself anymore. But this is it. This is the rest of my life. It’s too unfair to be bearable.

And I’m angry. Not just because I have to do it. 

But because it will never, ever end.

[overheaven]

final update for now: so gf is racing home after work to take me to bring my computer to a repair shop before they close just to see what’s wrong, i try to set up a guest account on it so my files will be extra safe (backed them up & removed sensitive info but yknow you can never be too careful about privacy) and my microsoft vs local accounts got wack as hell, had to troubleshoot passwords and admins and a whole bunch of bullshit but that’s fixed now and you know what’s the worst thing about this?

the screen started working again

i was already texting her like “hey i don’t think i can do this today, just come in when you get here ‘cause i’m still in crisis mode about it all and i don’t think i could even begin to tell them what’s wrong if the screen started working again” and just. like it fixed itself and now i’m like sitting here felling drained and hollow, it’s not relief it’s just shame and bitter humor about having a fucking silent meltdown about what apparently amounted to a non-issue.

idk more rambling below about this whole thing cause it’s been a wild couple of days and i’m at some sort of breaking point, but the TL;DR is:

i mean how long it will stay a non-issue is. hm. but for now i’m just. i guess i sit here contemplating how much subtle suffering i need to endure in order to feel justified in upgrading this device (which is a necessity and big part of my life) or getting it professionally repaired etc etc. or even aside from justification, how do i even prepare to get that done? i don’t know how to explain the whimsical contraption that is my computer if i were to bring it in and have everything be in more or less working order aside from a couple inconveniences (the trackpad has been busted since day 1 which is another issue with this particular model iirc but it doesn’t bother me cause i use a mouse anyways, i had to replace the keyboard and i think i was sent the wrong one because the keys aren’t quite the same & some don’t work but again i’ve learned to live with it).

it’s just funny how this whole thing mirrors my struggles with keeping my own body and self in working order like. so many little things are wrong with my computer, but it still works pretty good more or less. do i just bring it in and flop it onto the counter and say “yeah it’s a bit of a goofy old jalopy and you’d laugh if i tell you all the little silly things that are wrong with it so can you just crack it open and tune it all up?” ?????

my body and my mind are the exact same, i’m starting therapy soon (as mentioned above i was supposed to start yesterday) and i’ve been watching youtube videos and reading reddit threads about what to expect from therapy (i’ve been to a few sessions as a kid but never anything substantial for Reasons that i hope would be addressed in said therapy) and yknow one of the things you can expect at your first appointment is talking about goals, history, etc. i don’t know my personal history, there are so many things wrong that i don’t know what my goals are. same for physical health like there are just so many aches and issues but i don’t know how to go about pinpointing what they all are, much less what i could tell a doctor. i’m literally always uncomfortable if not actively in pain so it’s like. “hurting” is baseline. “how are you today?” “i’m okay” = my jaw probably hurts from my tics and i’m picking my nails and my back is aching and i probably am having some lowkey tennis elbow pain and my teeth hurt and i need a new eye exam and i haven’t been able to fall asleep til 5 AM and i don’t get out of bed til 1 or 2 PM and i’m going bald and i still get mouth sores but yknow that’s all normal. i’m still “running” fine. good, even. i’m drawing and writing. i’m interviewing for jobs. i’m running fine.

i’ve been neglected for far too long and it’s just. i don’t know how to start fixing myself now that my eyes have been opened a little more and i’m beginning to realize hey maybe you don’t have to suffer these little owwies every day. maybe your little owwies are actually big pains and you’ve just been taught to minimize them behind masking and toughing it out. maybe you deserve to be pain free instead of just ignoring it all.

god. yeah. it is what it is i guess.

my laptop screen is finally just broken! i feel like i should start sobbing but i can’t so i’m just sitting here trembling! girl help!!!

[sharksnshakes]

The Doctor Tormenting A New Survivor! HCs

You’re new to the Entity’s realm and need someone to show you the ropes. It’s a good thing the Doctor is in... 

A/N; y’all seemed to like danny’s hcs, so i decided to do herman’s too! if people are interested in more dbd killers/new survivor hcs, i’m happy to do more, just let me know who u wanna see. my asks are open :) 

Wordcount; 390ish

TW; torture, dbd typical violence, electrocution, death, mentions of mental and physical torture, suggestive themes, herman carter is a sicko in this and you have been warned 

New survivors = new toys (Herman’s logic) 

Herman will never turn down an opportunity to torture a survivor, whether old or new. New survivors are special, though; they’re puzzles to be solved... what makes them scream? What makes them cry? What makes them break? 

Hooks you first. That way he can take out your teammates and spend the rest of the trial with you! How fun! 

Uses all of his shock therapy on you specifically, because he wants to see how much you can take. 

You can hear him laughing and softly talking to himself as he hunts for you, the intensity of his giggles increasing once he catches you and gets his torture started. 

There’s nothing creepier than glancing behind you and seeing two glowing eyes in the dark. 

Full body chills. 

Prefers to Mori you with his own two hands. The Entity can have the other survivors, just not you... and Herman tries to keep you alive as long as possible, putting off a Mori until he absolutely has to. 

You won’t get used to the torture, either... he’ll change it up on you every time (what a gentleman). 

He’ll also describe, in morbid detail, what he plans to do with you--he’s quite the big talker--and will ask you how you’re feeling while he’s shocking you with a live wire. Chivalry’s not dead, it’s just stuck in the Entity’s realm! 

It’s impossible to get a word in edgewise, seeing as Herman’s either holding a one-sided conversation or electrocuting the life out of you... so good luck trying to confront him.  

At the peak of his torment, he’ll blatantly disregard all other survivors. You’re the main event, after all. 

It’s frighteningly unfair treatment, and your fellow survivors notice. They’d warned you about the Doctor early on, telling you he had a specific interest in newcomers, but nobody had expected it would escalate to this.

It’s common knowledge that the Doctor has waaaay too much interest in you, and some of the kinder survivors make an effort to keep you away from him during trials. 

And speaking of trials, you’ll be Mori’d in almost every single one, only escaping when a teammate sacrifices themselves for you. The following trial is always twice as brutal.  

Won’t bother you outside of trials, but once in a blue moon, you’ll hear the Doctor’s giggles echoing through the forest around the campfire. Is it really him? You’ll never know, and frankly, you don’t want to find out. 

[sapphos-catpanions]

If anyone were to ask your for advice on how to deal with dysphoria, would it be the whole "just get over it" solution almost all gender critical people suggest?

sis, ain’t no ”just” about it. there IS no fast, easy, guaranteed way to ”just get over” gender dysphoria. that’s one of the appeals of transgenderism, which tells you that the solution to your problem comes in a convenient injectable form, to just lie on the table and go to sleep while a surgeon shapes you into someone you can stand to be around.

now what are you going to choose: the hard truth, or the gentle lie?

i wish i could tell you what to do, but i’m still trying to figure it out for myself. talk therapy gives me terrible anxiety. i go through episodes of emotional instability that affect my relationships and that, thanks to my autism, i don’t understand very well. even though there’s people around me who care, i feel alone and worthless sometimes.

but don’t we all have stuff that we have to deal with? we all carry a burden with us. and that’s another appeal of transgenderism: you are taught that your dysphoria is something very special that no “cis” person could ever understand. but it’s just another lie.

because we are all connected by some sort of struggle, there are some things that help most people.

to borrow a phrase from arthur longworth, a long term resident of solitary confinement in a supermax security prison, “no human being can live without a reason.” so what is yours? it’s ok if it’s only to “continue to observe and catalogue knowledge,” to “make her happy,” to “spite them all,” or simply because “i am a human being, a child of god, and i have a right to be here.”

your brain is not a computer, and your body is not a machine. you are an assembly of living tissues, and you are fully capable of keeping yourself healthy when you set the right conditions. and it doesn’t take a degree in biology: we don’t know all the nutrients a person needs to survive, but we know she can get them from a balanced diet. we don’t know all the reasons why sleep is important, why sun is important, why water is important, but we know that a regular amount of all 3 helps a person feel her best. we don’t know all the ways a drug or surgery habit can fuck a person up. that’s why you stay away and be conservative and keep yourself safe, like the animal you authentically are.

cultivate strength, speed, power, and resilience. these are not male characteristics. it is your birthright as a woman to discover your physical ability, no matter how old you are or how long it’s been.

see if you can get out some of the things that bother you. even if it is just to your cat, or to a piece of paper. in fact, in ”the daily practice,” invented by anne runkle as a method for dealing with childhood ptsd, is a writing exercise, where your every sentence begins with “i have fear that (x),” or “i resent (y) because i fear that (z), following which you shred or burn the paper.

try to talk to your loved ones too. i have enormous difficulty with this, but every time i say the tough words to my mom or my gf, it usually makes me feel a little less alone and like i don’t matter.

get out of your house and find somewhere they need your help, like the soup kitchen or the women’s shelter. helping people helps you to see beyond yourself and your petty little problems.

read on feminism, lesbianism, the classics of female thought. “our bodies ourselves.” read their words and know that you’ve never been alone.

and have some interests that have (seemingly) nothing to do with feminism or the depressing state of the world. things i can learn and get better at make me feel like “wait, i am not trash.” there is SO MUCH to do and the world is so big. you have work to do, you must not delay until you “feel congruent with your gender.” in fact, you must not delay for even one more day.

[erodasfishtacos]

can you write something about cheating harry and yn acting like a proper couple in front of anna, like harry with his arm around her and kissing her head and stuff, and anna is just standing there fuming and maybe tries to get physical with yn

Love Your Broken Pieces

-

warnings: cheating; mentions of trauma and domestic abuse

if you enjoy please consider donating $3 to my ko fi.

(any donations over $15 get a guaranteed blurb written of their choosing!)

reblog, like, comment, & come chat!

-

YN really really didn’t want to go out.

She wasn’t going to tell Harry that because it was a celebratory dinner for him because he’d just won Entrperur of the yearand she wasn’t going to ruin it.

It’s not that she didn’t want to celebrate his achievement.

She was so so proud of him but her therapy session had got moved up a day because the therapist had to go out of town.

YN didn’t want to bother him so she had went herself without telling him.

It was trauma-focused therapy which meant it was intensive, draining, and overall triggering at time.

Today had sparked a new memory that she had suppressed and she was really struggling to get through the day without his support.

She shouldn’t need him for everything. It wasn’t fair to him.

So she’d sat on her bed for thirty minutes before she managed to pull on a nice dress before curling her hair - zoning out and accidentally burning herself lightly.

Harry had to pick up Anna, offered to pick up YN.

“Hey pup, y’want me t’pick you up on the way?” Harry had called while she was swiping on mascara.

“No, I’ll just Uber,” YN try to keep her tone light but couldn’t stomach sitting in the car with that disgusting woman right now.

“No, let me come get you,” He insists, always preferring to drive her around over some stranger.

“I really don’t want to be in the car with Anna, okay? Just drop it,” YN replies a bit too tersely.

There’s a pregnant pause.

“What’s wrong, puppy?” Harry knows her much to well.

She couldn’t help but bristle, “Nothing. I just have to get ready. Okay? I’ll see you there.”

YN shouldn’t have hung up like that but her hands were shaking and it was taking all of her might to pull herself together to go.

“It’s all your fuckin’ fault your mum hates me,” Her dad had spat at her, right in the kitchen after dinner.

“Fuck,” She mumbles to herself as she drops her lipstick and it rolls under the dresser.

—

She canceled two Ubers before she found a driver who didn’t seem intimidating.

It made her fashionably late, everyone already seated, and it doesn’t make it any better when Anna greets her.

“About time. Can’t even make it at a respectable time for your supposed best friend’s dinner.”

Anna and Gemma both make a grimacing face at the rude comment but Harry interrupts before they interject, “S’okay, Uber’s can be a pain in the arse.”

“Er, yeah. The Uber…” YN mumbles lowly, there was an empty seat across from Harry that had been saved for her.

She could feel Harry’s eyes following her, studying her as she kept her head down and looked on the verge of tears.

“You look too much like your goddamn mother.”

“What d’you want to drink?” Harry asks softly, tapping her foot under the table.

“God Harry, she’s not a child,” Anna rolls her eyes as she glances over her menu.

Harry glares over at her with a strict warning glance that she needs to change her attitude or there is gonna be an issue.

“Just water,” YN replies, swallowing hard.

He knows somethings wrong when she doesn’t bite back at her, instead looking down at the menu like it’s the most interesting thing ever.

Harry had already known by the phone call.

There were quite a few people at the dinner, constantly engaging him in conversation as YN kept to herself.

It’s after the appetizer’s arrive that he can’t stand her fake smiles and attempts to seem like she’s enjoying herself.

“Outside, now,” Harry says firmly, not a question but a statement.

“Harry, don’t,” Anna huffs, not liking the private attention her enemy is about to get.

“I don’t remember askin’ you,” He hisses under his breath before following YN’s retreating figure to the main entrance.

They end up in the small alleyway, “Tell me what’s going on.”

YN’s eyes are moody, putting back on a nonchalant expression that would work for anyone but him, “I’m fine, I don’t know why you’re making a big deal. Let’s go enjoy your dinner.”

Harry backs her up against the brick wall, hand over her shoulder, “We’re not goin’ anywhere until you tel me. M’not stupid.”

It triggers something because she starts sniffling, whispers, “You’re going to be mad at me.”

His hard facial features relax, pressing his forehead to hers, “Please pup, y’know I love you no matter what.”

“My therapist moved our session to today. I went and uh…” YN begins to full on cry, burying her face in her hands.

“C’mon, tell me,” He encourages softly.

“It triggered a repressed memory. I…I didn’t want to ruin tonight for you. I fuck up everything for you already,” She chokes out, letting him pry her hands away.

“Puppy,” He murmurs with a laugh of disbelief, “I fuckin’ wake up everyday because of you. You make my life worth livin’. I’m not happy unless y’are.”

“I just…didn’t want tonight to go like this,” YN sighs quietly, “One night without my trauma.”

“Hey, hey. We’re workin’ through it together, yeah? It takes time. Y’made the effort to come and that means more to me than anything else,” He says truthfully, tilting her chin up.

Harry melts a bit when she leans up to give him a lightening fast peck, “I am so proud of all your accomplishments.”

“Wouldn’t have done any of it without you, sweet girl,” He rubs a thumb under her eye to wipe off a streak of makeup.

They stand outside for a minute longer in a tight hug.

-

When they walk back into the restaurant, Harry quietly asks Gemma to switch YN seats which she graciously agrees without a fuss.

Anna is shooting daggers at YN while the change happens and Harry pushes in her seat for her.

The whole dinner consists of Anna fuming and hanging on every single movement between the two despite her hand on Harry’s thigh.

When he scoops up a bit of his mashed potatoes and feeds them to YN, laughs when she makes a face at the amount of chives mixed in.

It’s like he doesn’t even noticed the casual arm he occasionally throws around the back of YN’s seat as they chat.

“Harry,” YN scolds with a small smile when he steals a shrimp from her plate when she’s not looking.

Anna had shrimp too and he didn’t look once to do that to her.

“S’good, here, have a bite of m’steak. Know Y’don’t like it rare but s’good. I promise,” He encourages, cutting her a thick piece.

How the fuck did Harry know how YN liked her steak?

He didn’t even remember Anna’s favorite color.

“Y’gettin’ sleepy?” Harry whispers to YN towards the end of the meal, his lips are nearly brushing her ear and Anna pinches his thigh hard.

“Fuck,” Harry replies, flinching away from the pain as he turns to his girlfriend, “Wha’ did you do that for?”

“Can you pay at least a little bit of attention to me? I’m your girlfriend despite how much YN wants to pretend she is,” Anna says haughtily, loud enough for her to hear.

Harry is about to snap on her but instead YN speaks up first, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know jealously was on the menu. Eat up, Anna.”

Anna begins to sneer but Harry says, “Why don’t you go take a second in the bathroom? Then we can talk, okay?”

With a little stubbornness, she does - stomping away from the table without looking back at YN who had rolled her eyes.

“Y’on my menu tonight? A bath and cuddle sounds nice,” He offers to his love, thumbing her upper thigh.

“So nice,” YN agrees, “Can we use that sugar cookie bath bomb?”

“Of course, anythin’ you want, m’pup,” Harry hums sweetly, kissing the top of her head.

Anna is walking back when she sees it.

He’s cheating on me.

It flashes through her mind but she pushes it away because she reminds herself that YN is a pathetic little clingy girl who Harry wouldn’t ever like that way.

—

Later that night, Harry holds YN as she recount her memory.

Praises her for being so strong.

Kisses her because he loves her so much it hurts most days.

Assures her that he’ll love her even if she’s never ‘fixed’.

Promises that he’ll never let anyone hurt her again.

—

I’d love feedback 🥺

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[pastelpaperplanes]

Big Ol Ask Post Pt. 3 I think

I haven’t drawn anything other than cursed or plain technical stuff w him 😔😔 have these for now but expect more soon!

anon a way back asked what he’d look like next to Overlord being already so big compared to Megs, that’s why you see Lordie if you’re wondering why he’s thrown in that line up!

by the way I have a voice claim for the big purple simp— Jenner from NIMH, he’s so awful but that suave baritone oh it fits too well >:] it’s the ‘humble servant’ line that got to me

Yep! Pharma is absolutely in this AU—as well as the CFau and Crack one too—and in all, he’s still an estranged medic long since booted from any legal work back on Cybertron.

He lost his credibility and more all those years ago when he found himself willing to do his fair share of cutting corners and hastily concealed malpractice to expedite his dream of getting his name down in the medical books—ultimately impressing his dear Mentor Ratchet, finally, in perfecting long-since banned risky experiments and surgeries—not to mention cruel and unusual temperament with the (supposedly) taboo practice of non-medicinal mnemosurgery.

His ambitions and aggression always got the bet of him, this hasn’t changed since he found himself working in freelance outposts. Light years away from Cybertron, he’s made a name for himself as a Good Doctor—but to his under-the-table black market part-dealing clients, he’s just about as bad as a Crooked Medic can get.

Bounty hunters and Arms Dealers like him for his business, a certain DJD member likes him for the occasional berth company and seemingly never ending supply of fresh T-Cogs—but no one actually likes him for his nasty temperamental personality, save for a young and naive Ratchet once upon a time.

Pharma is a roamer, as of recent he’s been a hard to reach mech—seems as if he’s found a little project to keep himself pretty occupied in the last few decades—something about a breakthrough for aiding the Decepticon Energon Crisis :] him and a small, horrifyingly cheerful surgeon are well on their way to completing their first trial batches, it’s safe to say that their little synthetic mixture will have it’s users sated and compliant.

they’ve got that amazing ‘new car smell’ those first few weeks, and instead of chittering like an Insecticons or vibrating their wings like a seeker—they beep and squeak, sometimes even honk a horn depending on the baseline altmode coding, to get their Creators’ attention before their vocalizer truly starts to kick online

It’s cute, but loud

Much like a seeker sparkling, they have to reach a certain ‘age’ (upgrade) to be able to transform completely, in between then they’re still able to rev those engines as a warning should they need it, as well as spin their wheels should they need a getaway HEELIES IF THEYRE LUCKY WOOHOOOOO—for seekers they can hover on their thrusters!

Crusade is actually pretty formal with Megatron. But yeah as a kid, Megs was always known as Carrier, but as Sadie got older and more aware of their surroundings—they definitely came to learn the true weight of that title and the fact that they were the progeny of the faction leader, a fact they should have really held onto with more pride. Not wanting to draw more attention to the already blatant favoritism (and nepotism) Crusade made a switch to addressing Megatron as Sir, My Lord, Lord Megatron, —ect. to better fit in with their fellow troops.

It bothers Megatron more than than he lets on. Crusade shouldn’t have to hide their high ranking as his child, the heir to the faction. Megs is their Carrier and can only order them around for so long, as their Leader however—pulling rank may just allow for their infuriatingly stubborn sparkling to listen to them should a day come where even a Carrier’s plea is dismissed.

Crusade does slip up every now and then and a ‘Carrier’ will slip—often hushed and annoyed though as Megs does like to tease every now and then, gotta remind them that they’re still his baby every once in a while :’)

Optimus however—whenever him and Crusade should truly reunite, will never be called Sire by Crusade, which they so heatedly established early on—Crusade never needed one and they don’t need one now, better to not let the title trigger those long-suppressed emotions. Sure enough though Optimus will get his moment.

actually no lmfao so you’re good! Eh, I haven’t mentioned much plot w them outside of them and Megs, plus bits of potential interactions with Optimus—so the rest of Team Prime is free game :D

For what I (hopefully will have) planned, their interactions with team Prime will be eh,,,interesting to each their own to say the least. Some more stressful than others BUT let’s not get into that until I’ve worked it out—for now I’ll just mention what they’re dynamics would be like when the drama of Oh Shit Boss Bot You’ve Been Hiding a Kid For HOW LONG has died down.

A usually touch-wary Crusade actually is the one to initiate a hug with Bulkhead, he’s the biggest and warmest and somehow is always happy to see them. Plus he tells cool recaps of Earth films and gifts them strange blobish paintings every now and then, all of which Crusade doesn’t exactly understand, but at least the colors are pretty.

Bee is annoying,,,which is what Crusade would say if confronted if they actually liked all the shenanigans Bee suggest they pull together, prank wars to the max, sparring for fun, video games?, DOUGHNUTS and RACES in the fortress halls??? Ahem. they are a super serious soldier, not a hooligan. But honestly, Bee is the one they seek out the most should they need an adventure, they missed out on a lot of this ‘fun’ growing up on the Nemesis—Bee seems to know how to balance a day of soldiering and dumbassery. sometimes.

Ratchet reminds them a bit too much of their Carrier than they’d care to admit. The medic is an old soul to his very core, perpetually tired but quick to snap into work mode, and sweet if you reallllllly squint. Sadie has been taught from day one to always respect medics, Ratchet obviously takes the cake on I’ve Seen Some Shit and for that alone Crusade both fears and admires Ratchet. Again, growing up on the Nemesis they didn’t have too many bots willing to talk much with them—but Ratchet (after he’s gone through his own lot of therapy, him AND Arcee. good lord) has a never ending pile of stories to share with them. Ratchet may throw in a few more colorful curses than necessary—which is SURPRISING bc Crusade thought they’d heard them all back home, but he’s entertaining and tells Crusade how it is, no sugarcoating. For that Crusade is grateful, there’s been too many half-truths thrown about to them in their recent years :’)

Ghost Prowl freaks them out—why does he deliberately have to be so sneaky?? Crusade has only met Prowl a fleeting handful of times (visits from the Allspark come with meaning, you know) and each time Crusade has been given nothing but odd riddles and poetic nonsense. Kidding. Prowl does like his wordplay’s but his given advice is always well meaning—the most firm and direct message Crusade has been passed though was probably most definitely “ Get those two cowards for mecha you call your Creator’s to stop fooling around with each other and SPEAK—at this rate it’s physically paining me that they haven’t begun Ritus and they’re not getting any younger”

Team Prime adores Sadie, they ask Megatron to see their sparkling photos every chance they catch him. And Crusade. hates it.

:) have

We’ve been here before, haven’t we?

[shibaraki]

You were sick of people making assumptions about your relationship with Kiyoomi just because of his demeanour. Exhausted and angry, you had needed to snap at yet another person you considered a friend for their needless comment about him.

It is a fact, as true as the grass is green, that Kiyoomi loves you. He adores you. You know it and he knows it, that is what’s most important. Even still, you can’t help but be bothered by outside opinions, especially when it concerns him, because they were always wrong.

People think that affection is your partner being handsy and clingy, 'oh he can't keep his hands off you', and maybe for some that is true. But Kiyoomi shows his feelings for you in other ways, different ways. Ways only you would understand. Rather than physically affectionate, you would describe your boyfriend as emotionally intimate.

He accepts you wholly as you are and loves you for it. He knows all your quirks, the food you’re picky about, the things that make you happiest, the songs that make you cry the most, your favourite outfits, the brand of your skin care products, family birthdays and appointments and holidays. Things that other men might’ve deemed unnecessary to know, Omi knows.

And even more frustrating is the fact that he does touch you. You may be the one person he touches without restraint or caution. Touching you is freeing to him. Having dealt with health anxiety since he was a child and though he has grown from it, even after years of therapy he will still be avoidant of casual touching and crowds of people. He still tenses up if someone coughs, or doesn’t wash their hands in a restroom, and he doesn’t like touching door handles but he’s better. He’s good.

He’s touching you right now, actually. He has taken your hand into his and tangled your fingers together in a comforting gesture as you try to calm yourself. Seated across from you, your ‘friend’ is looking affronted at your tone with them and they tell you as much.

"If you don’t want people to be upset with you you could try not being such a bitch," you snap sharply. Even your boyfriend’s gentle coaxing couldn’t quell your anger, not this time.

"I do not ‘put up’ with Omi," you squeeze his hand tightly and hope he knows you’re addressing the insecurities that he holds, too. "On the contrary, it’s actually Omi that often has to ‘put up’ with me, he also has to ‘put up’ with idiots like you giving their two cents when nobody asked for it"

The table remains silent while you notice some other customers at the restaurant are looking over and whispering amongst each other. Feeling self conscious you abruptly push your chair back, wooden legs scraping along the tiled floor. The sound causes everyone to wince and Omi gets up with you, still not letting go of your hand as he places some money on the table.

"For our meals," he clarifies before nodding at you to indicate he was happy to leave. You exit the restaurant together, though not before smiling at the waiter at the door in both a thanks and an apology.

As you walk side by side, Omi lifts your interlinked hands and kisses the back of yours tenderly. "You didn’t have to do that, you know," he murmurs.

Still a little irritable from the encounter you feel your anger flare up again at the notion that he could’ve just sat and endured it. Not wanting to inflict your bad mood on him you inhale deeply, calming yourself.

Repeating his action you kiss the back of his hand, pausing beside him to cradle his cheek and kiss his lips once, twice, before pulling back. You rub your thumb against the pink warmth blooming along his face.

"Omi," you start, tongue swiping your bottom lip in thought as you try to find the right words. "Look, I didn’t confront them because I felt I had to, I did it because I wanted to—"

"—I’m sick of people misunderstanding you and painting you in a bad light because of it. And I don’t like that it has happened to you so much that you’re just ‘used to it'"

You glance down at your interlinked hands, examining the small faint scars he'd gained as a child when his compulsive hand washing was at its worst. The sight makes you emotional, makes you hurt for him.

“You’re so good to me Omi,” you tell him, voice still trembling despite your efforts. “You take such good care of me, I feel so loved and seen when I’m with you. You make me laugh all the time. You care about the things I say. You watch over me when I’m sick—"

"You’re everything I ever wanted, and I will not let anyone mistreat you or amplify your insecurities. Alright?”

Kiyoomi covers the hand on his cheek with his own, coaxing you to look back at him. His expression is elated as he leans into your touch. “Alright,” he breathes fondly.

“I’ve never been able to say no to you, anyway”.

You let out a choked, wet laugh and feel a little embarrassed at how impassioned you’d gotten just now.

"You know, you’re kind of sexy when you’re angry," he smirks, guiding you into his chest so he can tightly embrace you.

"Angry at anyone but me, that is"

"Shut up," you laugh, tightening your arms around his waist. He kisses the crown of your head and you both stand off to the side of the street for a few moments, just holding each other. Eventually, he pulls back and glances down at you.

"Let’s go home, love"

[dickwheelie]

This is a little specific so feel free to give it a pass if you're not into it, but would you like to like to do season 2 Lunch Date Era jonmartin with the 'friendly hugs' prompt? Thank you, and have a good day!

specific prompts are actually really nice, they give me something solid to work off of, so this was actually perfect! I had a lot of fun writing this one. thank you and enjoy, anon!

____________

Jon can't stop bouncing his leg.

He keeps forgetting that he's doing it, and then noticing again, and then forcibly stopping himself, but it never lasts long. The cafe is crowded and loud, which is distracting enough on its own, but Martin is also there, sitting across from him and tucking into a sandwich, gamely trying to engage Jon in conversation even though Jon keeps getting distracted and bouncing his leg.

"Jon? You there?"

Martin's voice fades back into Jon's awareness, and he shifts his gaze back to him. "Sorry," he says for the fifth time that lunch hour, "um, say that again?"

He feels bad. He does. Ever since he found out about Martin's CV, Jon's been kicking himself over how paranoid he'd been, thinking that Martin was out to get him, shouting at him over what turned out to be nothing. Jon doesn't want to be that sort of boss, that sort of person, but he'd just been so overwhelmed. He could hardly believe it when Martin asked him to join him for lunch, after all the things Jon's said to him. Still, he's grateful for the olive branch. It's too bad he keeps messing it up by forgetting to listen to Martin when he talks.

Speaking of--

"Oh, damn," Jon mutters, interrupting whatever it is Martin is trying to tell him. "Martin, god, I'm so sorry, I just got--"

"Distracted?" Martin says, and to Jon's surprise he doesn't seem annoyed, just . . . concerned. "I've noticed. Jon, are you feeling alright?"

"What? Yes, I'm fine." Jon eats the last few bites of his salad so he doesn't have to meet Martin's eyes.

"Sure? Because you seem really anxious." Martin's voice has that soft, worried lilt to it that Jon used to get annoyed by. It doesn't bother him so much anymore. It's . . . sort of nice, really, to be worried over, sometimes.

Not now, though. Because right now Jon doesn't need to be worried over. "I'm not anxious. Just . . . it's distracting in here. It's loud."

"Oh, well, let's go then," Martin says, finishing up his sandwich and standing up to gather his coat. "It's not too cold out. We can walk around downtown until lunch hour is over."

"I--" Jon wants to protest, but he realizes that yes, getting out of this small cafe would be very welcome. "That's . . . that's a good idea, actually."

His leg can't bounce when he's walking, and the early winter air is cold but not biting, and the walkways aren't crowded. Jon can feel himself calming down by the time they get a block away from the cafe. Maybe he had been a little anxious, after all. This was a very good idea. Martin has very good ideas, he thinks.

"If that cafe was too much," Martin is telling him, and thankfully Jon is actually able to listen to him now, "there's another place we could try next time. New Indian place, right around the corner from the Institute. Tim says he goes there whenever he has a PT appointment, to treat himself."

Jon wants to go back to the fact that Martin wants there to be a next time, but for now there's something more pressing to address. "Tim's still doing physical therapy?" he says. He'd thought he was finished weeks ago.

"Yeah, he says it's just follow-up appointments. He's mostly okay, they just need to make sure he's improving, I guess." Martin shoots him a sidelong look. "I thought you and he were close."

"Not, um . . . not so much anymore." Jon stuffs his hands into his coat pockets, ducking into his collar. "We don't really . . . talk."

"Oh," Martin says. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah." Jon doesn't want to get into it. Thankfully, Martin doesn't press the issue.

"Are you still going to PT?" Martin says instead. "You don't have to tell me, obviously. I just . . . I never see you outside the archives anymore."

Jon bites the inside of his cheek. "I, um . . . I sort of . . . stopped going. After the second appointment."

Martin stops short in the middle of the sidewalk, and Jon has to double back. "Christ, Jon!" he says, not angry, but aggravated. "You can't just skip out on that stuff, you could do permanent damage--"

"Martin, I'm fine," Jon says. "See, I'm walking around and everything. Trust me, if it was bad, I'd have kept going, but the whole thing was a waste of time and I had work to get done--"

"Your health comes first," Martin says, with finality, before his demeanor softens. "I'm not an idiot, Jon, I notice you staying late and coming in early, I notice when you skip meals. You're running yourself ragged. It's a job, Jon, and trust me, I know how important this work is, I get it, but none of it, alright, none of it's more important than you."

Jon blinks at him. He wants to protest, but every half-formed rebuttal sounds either defensive or outright silly. Martin is right, after all. Jon just wishes that he weren't, because then he wouldn't have to reevaluate everything he's been doing for the past two months.

Martin goes on, taking a step closer to him. "Just . . . you don't need to keep throwing yourself at a wall, Jon. At least give yourself a break every once in a while."

"I can't just walk away, Martin. O-Or, I don't--" Jon's voice has gone shaky. He clears his throat and tries again. "I--I don't really know how. There's just . . . there's so much, and I don't know where any of it leads, if it's leading anywhere at all, and . . . I just . . . I've no idea what I'm supposed to do about all of it."

Martin gives him a look that Jon doesn't know how to place. It's not pity, or condescension, which Jon would expect from most everyone else. He just looks . . . sort of sad. His hands are clasped in front of his chest, tugging restlessly on his fingers. "Jon, would you . . . um, that is . . ." Suddenly Martin thrusts his open arms out towards Jon and blurts out, "Would you like a hug?"

Jon's speechless. What a thing to be asked, he thinks, and especially by a coworker, no matter how well they know each other, it's completely unprofessional, and even if Martin were his closest friend, which he isn't, but even if he were, why on earth would Jon of all people need a hug? Sure, he's not doing all that great, but Martin doesn't need to know that, and anyway how is a hug supposed to fix anything, especially a hug from someone who doesn't know the half of what Jon's been going through lately, or how scared and confused he's been, or about Jon's very serious problems that are complicated and terrifying and can't be fixed with something as childish and simple as a--

"Yes, please," Jon says, the words coming out in an exhale of pent-up tension, and he all but collapses into Martin's open arms. His face lands just under Martin's chin, half-tucked into his shoulder, and he's just barely able to wrap his arms around Martin's midsection as Martin hugs him back tightly, squeezing him against his chest, and Jon had never known how strong Martin was, how much he had been hiding beneath those soft jumpers of his. His arms, all muscle beneath fat, feel as though they could fight off an army if they really wanted to, and despite his nagging paranoia, Jon can't help but feel utterly protected by them. He feels himself relaxing, bit by bit, sinking into the softness of Martin's chest, letting him hug him closer, just tight enough to be secure without hurting. As he leans into the hug, he doesn't feel any concern about Martin losing his grip or slipping backwards. Martin can take his weight; he knows this. He is as solid and reliable as a wall, and just as stubborn, and he will not drop Jon. Jon lets out a deep sigh, his breaths evening out and slowing, tension seeping from his limbs until he feels entirely relaxed. He feels cared for. He feels safe. It's been so, so long since he's felt safe.

He doesn't even notice that he's closed his eyes until Martin's arms shift around him, and Jon realizes they've been hugging for probably way longer than is normal. His eyes snap open and he backs off, hands sliding away from Martin, clearing his throat awkwardly. He tries not to miss the gentle security of Martin's arms.

"Um," Martin says, sounding like he's about to apologize, but Jon interrupts him.

"Thank you," he says, trying to keep his voice even. "That was--I, um. I needed that." When was the last time he'd hugged someone? Jon can't even remember. "It was really nice," he says quietly. Another one of Martin's brilliant ideas.

Martin nods, looking relieved, and perhaps a little fond, though it may just be Jon's imagination. "Anytime," he says, and Jon thinks he might mean it. He hopes he does. "What are friends for, eh?"

Jon blinks. Are they friends? How long has that been the case? He looks at Martin, hands stuffed into his coat pockets, a small smile on his face, and he thinks that yes, maybe they are friends. It would be nice to be friends, anyway. If Martin says they're friends, Jon won't correct him. "Yeah," he says, and he's very glad to see Martin's face brighten at the word. "I, um," and Jon needs to clear his throat again, "I-I'll try. To have a break once in a while."

"Promise?" Martin says, and Jon can't help but laugh.

"I promise."

Martin nods. "Okay. Good."

"This, today, lunch I mean, this was nice. I'd . . . um. I'd like to do it again."

"Oh! Um, sure. Definitely," Martin says, smiling.

"We can go to that Indian place," Jon says.

"Sure," Martin says. "Tomorrow?" His look is hesitant, but Jon's answer is immediate.

"Yes," he says, letting a smile run over his lips. "Yes, Martin, I'd like that very much."