#phoenix aquain

[rawcookiedough]

20th November ‘24

I promised myself I’ll start you as a gratitude journal again from the 18th but I have the discipline of an obnoxious chihuahua.

Today I am grateful for getting my work done on time, having a shower, making eggs and getting to work on time.

I am grateful for a day that is not taxing on my body and a teacher who teaches without berating.

I am most of all grateful for my parents who constantly put up with me and honestly are so very cool.

Always thoroughly grateful for Cyan who somehow is spring in human form and I cannot believe I could get to spend the entirety of my life with him eventually.

I can’t believe he wants to spend his life with me too🙈

Sometimes I do live in a love story.

[curb-the-waist]

29th April 2022

tumblr the bitch has not been letting me post.

This is my 4th time writing this one.

Worked out for 44 minutes. Rest all was ok.

I had more thoughts but thank tumblr for treating me to the «eternal sunshine of spotless mind ».

[rawcookiedough]

13th Novembre ‘24

Did I ever tell you, Cyan asked me if he could hold my hand on the first date? Perfect move honestly.

Especially with someone who never really saw consent work all too well.

We’re long distance now. I love him so much my heart yearns.

I’m in a different state and city again. The neurosurgery continues. I hope to keep learning and getting so much better. I need to start exercising again.

I hope I lose weight.

[rawcookiedough]

Charlie Weasley ghost-wrote this.

other people when they see the words 'here be dragons' on a map: this is a warning sign that this area is dangerous and should be avoided at all costs!

me, an intellectual, when i see the words 'here be dragons' on a map: this is an invitation addressed to me personally

[rawcookiedough]

8th Octobre ‘24

I want to remember the old me. The one that chose neurosurgery. The one who had a work life balance.

The one that wasn’t all encompassed by the fear of being scolded/ ridiculed by the consultant.

I don’t remember her very well. I remember parts. This residency kills personalities I can see now.

I don’t want to be the person that residency is trying to change me into. I shall stay the me that I want to be.

[rawcookiedough]

25th June ‘24

Everytime I talk to my professor I feel stupid. Like my confidence which isn’t great to begin with tanks so low.

And my senior calls me overconfident. I don’t know what I’m doing.

I don’t want to do anything anymore. Yesterday the senior told me I’d made a mistake in an order.

An order I know he had written.

I might be losing my mind. Or getting gaslighted.

I’m not able to sleep well except when I’m with Cyan.

[rawcookiedough]

24th June ‘24

Sunday was beautiful. It was lush and green and raining at just the right moments.

Sunday was with Cyan. I also managed to study a little bit and it made me feel not stupid.

Today promised to be not so great. Mostly because of the promise of too much work.

Let’s see how it goes.

The professor has asked to study one topic each week.

That feels like a lot but it’s necessary I understand.

Shall edit this post as the day goes.

I’m sorry it’s not interesting.

I quite prefer the stability or boredom sometimes.

[rawcookiedough]

22nd June ‘24

I come back to you again.

Mentally unsound and deeply insecure about my own abilities.

[rawcookiedough]

29th September’23

I’ve been feeling slightly better. But I need to workout more. There’s fat on me.

I wanna look trim you know. Kinda excited about getting juniors. One’s a girl and she seems nice. The boy has not joined yet.

I am still plagued by the memories and words of the boy. The boy before Cyan.

Cyan was supposed to have wiped him off yet he persists like caramel you keep trying to suck off your finger. And you think it’s clean but it’s an hour later and your finger still tastes sweet.

I’ve decided to not save these midway thoughts in my drafts coz then it’s 3 days later and I’ve forgotten to post them.

I shall edit this post upto the end of the day. Not even halfway done today.

[rawcookiedough]

24th Fév ‘24

Does it make you courageous or stupid you think? To hope.

I guess it only depends on how things end.

I’m not one of those poignant creatures that cherish short lived love stories.

I prefer them long and boring with happily ever afters. I don’t know what Cyan believes.

He will say practicality. I doubt that involves happily ever afters.

I’ve been watching my friends get married. I’ve been watching her love him more. She looks at him when she laughs and leans on him when she’s tipsy and dancing.

He looks at the camera and his friends. It scares me that it could be me.

[rawcookiedough]

2nd April’24

Cyan thinks he loves me. He told me yesterday. My body had a physical reaction to it.

Can’t really explain it. Felt like my gut skipped a beat?

I would say heart but it was definitely in my guts. The feeling.

My god.

It’s very apt that I get told he loves me on April fools day. Also apt that I told him I do too on the same day.

Goes with the theme of our lives in a good way.

He’s beautiful I think. Not like in a cheesy romcom way.

Like in a more real, down to earth, eyes that make me see the flowers on trees I’d never noticed kinda way.

In a way that I could spend discovering for quite some while. Maybe a lifetime.

Who knows.

Not blindly in love just yet,

Phoenix Aquain.

[rawcookiedough]

7th December’23

Meeting Cyan today. It always makes me feel peaceful. The way I can be with him.

Like I don’t really sleep the way I sleep in his bed with him. It’s just the safety I suppose. Like I’m sleeping with Batman. But less k*nky. And way less leather.

I am however carrying a restraint i stole from the hospital to his place.

What we shall do with it remains to be seen.

But we’re creative ppl. We’ll find some use.

I’m worried about being too old and too used up.

I learnt tracheostomy today. Really grateful for my teachers.

Yours,

Phoenix Aquain.

[rawcookiedough]

6th September’23

I think some of my anxiety is maybe returning. Maybe that’s why I’ve come back to you.

I sleep too much. Purged yesterday. A nurse called me fat and that helped make me not eat as many calories.

I did eat ice-cream and a waffle. So hence needed the purge I guess. Well now you know why my posts are tagged as mental health.

I think Cyan doesn’t find me as attractive as he used to.

[rawcookiedough]

30th September’23

I’m anxious. It’s anxiety. I know it’s baseless. Well not entirely baseless but you know.

Getting anxious is a 100% NOT helping me. I start neurosurgery tomorrow. I worry I’ve forgotten too much.

What else am I worried about?

Jesus I might be getting fat and losing my muscle. I also had to throw away an egg in the morning coz I just couldn’t peel it.

Food isn’t tasty anymore. Heaven knows why.

I Will go home and vigorously workout till it hurts. I just.

I think I need something to hurt me so good today.

Again it’s not even midday and I already am fantasising about sore muscles and rough s*x (not like I’ve had it like that before).

[rawcookiedough]

14th September ’23

Had a therapy appointment yesterday. I’ve been told to keep a gratitude journal.

So I’m right now glad because I got to do a varicose veins surgery that I really enjoy. And although it’s almost 10… so worth it.

I’m grateful for Cyan and how understanding he is. It constantly surprises me.

Also I love my parents and I’m grateful for them. I miss them 😭. I think I’d choose them even if we weren’t blood.

[rawcookiedough]

10th September ’23

A nurse asked me casually if I’ve put on weight. I’m too scared to check my weight tho.

I have been feeling fat too. Let’s see.

We’re cutting out carbs and eating chicken.