#phoenix aquain

[rawcookiedough]

27th November ‘24

I made a mistake and I’m in particularly self-insulty mood today so here we go.

What’re we grateful for?

My parents. Their sustained support, love and presence. I am privileged to have them to be mine.

My degree and health. The ability to workout even tho I don’t use it properly.

Health is a luxury honestly.

Cyan. He gives me stability I crave and need to be as crazy as I need to be.

Also grateful for my professors. They want me to learn. You don’t realise how important it is to have that in your teachers.

[curb-the-waist]

29th April 2022

tumblr the bitch has not been letting me post.

This is my 4th time writing this one.

Worked out for 44 minutes. Rest all was ok.

I had more thoughts but thank tumblr for treating me to the «eternal sunshine of spotless mind ».

[rawcookiedough]

20th November ‘24

I promised myself I’ll start you as a gratitude journal again from the 18th but I have the discipline of an obnoxious chihuahua.

Today I am grateful for getting my work done on time, having a shower, making eggs and getting to work on time.

I am grateful for a day that is not taxing on my body and a teacher who teaches without berating.

I am most of all grateful for my parents who constantly put up with me and honestly are so very cool.

Always thoroughly grateful for Cyan who somehow is spring in human form and I cannot believe I could get to spend the entirety of my life with him eventually.

I can’t believe he wants to spend his life with me too🙈

Sometimes I do live in a love story.

[rawcookiedough]

Charlie Weasley ghost-wrote this.

other people when they see the words 'here be dragons' on a map: this is a warning sign that this area is dangerous and should be avoided at all costs!

me, an intellectual, when i see the words 'here be dragons' on a map: this is an invitation addressed to me personally

[rawcookiedough]

26th Janvier ‘25

Cyan got turned on today when he realised I’d read ‘The song of ice and fire’ books.

I truly have found the man for me. I can’t believe he exists and he’s mine.

[rawcookiedough]

4th December ’24

Why is calmness so elusive? This constant anxious need to know is killing me.

This is all I’d written and kept as a draft yesterday so I post it.

[rawcookiedough]

25th November ‘24

Our usual struggle with consistency continues. Sir granted me leave to attend a wedding with Cyan.

It would be the first time we meet since we started long distance. I miss him. Not in a not communication way.

More like in a I want to feel his skin and weight and heat way. I also feel similarly about my dog friend. My heart breaks that the dog can’t even grasp than I will come back for him.

[rawcookiedough]

13th Novembre ‘24

Did I ever tell you, Cyan asked me if he could hold my hand on the first date? Perfect move honestly.

Especially with someone who never really saw consent work all too well.

We’re long distance now. I love him so much my heart yearns.

I’m in a different state and city again. The neurosurgery continues. I hope to keep learning and getting so much better. I need to start exercising again.

I hope I lose weight.

[rawcookiedough]

8th Octobre ‘24

I want to remember the old me. The one that chose neurosurgery. The one who had a work life balance.

The one that wasn’t all encompassed by the fear of being scolded/ ridiculed by the consultant.

I don’t remember her very well. I remember parts. This residency kills personalities I can see now.

I don’t want to be the person that residency is trying to change me into. I shall stay the me that I want to be.

[rawcookiedough]

25th June ‘24

Everytime I talk to my professor I feel stupid. Like my confidence which isn’t great to begin with tanks so low.

And my senior calls me overconfident. I don’t know what I’m doing.

I don’t want to do anything anymore. Yesterday the senior told me I’d made a mistake in an order.

An order I know he had written.

I might be losing my mind. Or getting gaslighted.

I’m not able to sleep well except when I’m with Cyan.

[rawcookiedough]

24th June ‘24

Sunday was beautiful. It was lush and green and raining at just the right moments.

Sunday was with Cyan. I also managed to study a little bit and it made me feel not stupid.

Today promised to be not so great. Mostly because of the promise of too much work.

Let’s see how it goes.

The professor has asked to study one topic each week.

That feels like a lot but it’s necessary I understand.

Shall edit this post as the day goes.

I’m sorry it’s not interesting.

I quite prefer the stability or boredom sometimes.

[rawcookiedough]

22nd June ‘24

I come back to you again.

Mentally unsound and deeply insecure about my own abilities.

[rawcookiedough]

29th September’23

I’ve been feeling slightly better. But I need to workout more. There’s fat on me.

I wanna look trim you know. Kinda excited about getting juniors. One’s a girl and she seems nice. The boy has not joined yet.

I am still plagued by the memories and words of the boy. The boy before Cyan.

Cyan was supposed to have wiped him off yet he persists like caramel you keep trying to suck off your finger. And you think it’s clean but it’s an hour later and your finger still tastes sweet.

I’ve decided to not save these midway thoughts in my drafts coz then it’s 3 days later and I’ve forgotten to post them.

I shall edit this post upto the end of the day. Not even halfway done today.

[rawcookiedough]

24th Fév ‘24

Does it make you courageous or stupid you think? To hope.

I guess it only depends on how things end.

I’m not one of those poignant creatures that cherish short lived love stories.

I prefer them long and boring with happily ever afters. I don’t know what Cyan believes.

He will say practicality. I doubt that involves happily ever afters.

I’ve been watching my friends get married. I’ve been watching her love him more. She looks at him when she laughs and leans on him when she’s tipsy and dancing.

He looks at the camera and his friends. It scares me that it could be me.

[rawcookiedough]

2nd April’24

Cyan thinks he loves me. He told me yesterday. My body had a physical reaction to it.

Can’t really explain it. Felt like my gut skipped a beat?

I would say heart but it was definitely in my guts. The feeling.

My god.

It’s very apt that I get told he loves me on April fools day. Also apt that I told him I do too on the same day.

Goes with the theme of our lives in a good way.

He’s beautiful I think. Not like in a cheesy romcom way.

Like in a more real, down to earth, eyes that make me see the flowers on trees I’d never noticed kinda way.

In a way that I could spend discovering for quite some while. Maybe a lifetime.

Who knows.

Not blindly in love just yet,

Phoenix Aquain.

[rawcookiedough]

7th December’23

Meeting Cyan today. It always makes me feel peaceful. The way I can be with him.

Like I don’t really sleep the way I sleep in his bed with him. It’s just the safety I suppose. Like I’m sleeping with Batman. But less k*nky. And way less leather.

I am however carrying a restraint i stole from the hospital to his place.

What we shall do with it remains to be seen.

But we’re creative ppl. We’ll find some use.

I’m worried about being too old and too used up.

I learnt tracheostomy today. Really grateful for my teachers.

Yours,

Phoenix Aquain.