#phanficawards

[phanficawards]

Phanfic Awards 2020 Nominations Masterlist (Part One)

Best Overall

Best Author Of 2020

chickenfree (ao3/tumblr)

natigail (ao3/tumblr)

intoapuddle (ao3/tumblr)

Best Author Overall

natigail (ao3/tumblr)

waveydnp

Best Up And Coming

fictropes (ao3/tumblr)

rawritsamehh (ao3/tumblr)

thatphannieperson (tumblr)

sunflowerwitches (ao3)

Best Beta Reader

yourfriendlyblogstalker

peggyschuylerbasically

ilikestopwatches

Best Collaboration

for the rest of our lives (ao3 - lyricallyharley, writtennotsung)

maybe (ao3 - dayevsphil, intoapuddle)

linger on (ao3 - waveydnp, dizzy)

Best AO3 Fics

strictly come dancing but make it GAY (ao3 - natigail)

if you don't love me, pretend (ao3 - phantasticworks)

linger on (ao3 - waveydnp, dizzy)

can we try again? (ao3 - fictropes)

i have my freedom (but i don't have much time) (ao3 - sierraadeux)

Best Fic Of 2020

strictly come dancing but make it GAY (ao3 - natigail)

linger on (ao3 - waveydnp, dizzy)

if you don't love me, pretend (ao3 - phantasticworks)

too far to walk alone (ao3 - chickenfree)

meant for me (ao3 - graydar)

Length/Status

Best Drabble

archaic allure (sonnet) (ao3 - tarredion)

incoming call (ao3 - indistinct_echo)

puzzle date (ao3 - cafephan)

babe, you're a masterpiece (ao3 - ditl_manchester)

braid fairy (ao3 - etceteraseverywhere)

Best Oneshot

follow me home: a pigeon story (ao3 - dizzy)

phil is not on fire (ao3 - ahappyphil)

Houndstooth (ao3 - indistinct_echo)

blue can be kind, too (ao3 - tarredion)

rip the plaster (ao3 - ttlmtbee)

Best Chaptered Fic

if you don't love me, pretend (ao3 - phantasticworks)

too far to walk alone (ao3 - chickenfree)

strictly come dancing but make it GAY (ao3 - natigail)

our house (ao3 - sierraadeux)

can we try again? (ao3 - fictropes)

Best Long Fic

time's tide (ao3 - intoapuddle)

linger on (ao3 - waveydnp, dizzy)

if you don't love me, pretend (ao3 - phantasticworks)

it's cool, we're just friends (ao3 - sierraadeux)

strictly come dancing but make it GAY (ao3 - natigail)

Best Work In Progress

if you don't love me, pretend (ao3 - phantasticworks)

dancing on the blades (you set my heart on fire) (ao3 - kishere)

strictly come dancing but make it GAY (ao3 - natigail)

Best Undiscovered Gem

Houndstooth (ao3 - indistinct_echo)

blue can be kind, too (ao3 - tarredion)

long-horned beetles and dusty archives (ao3 - chiridotalevis)

seeing stars, sinking these dreams (ao3 - sunflowerwitches)

if you don't love me, pretend (ao3 - phantasticworks)

Best Series

helpless (ao3 - kishere)

2009 no show dan (ao3 - fictropes)

i don't know why (deleted scenes) (ao3 - panlesters)

letters (ao3 - fictropes)

[botanistlester]

Botanistlester Phanfic Awards Masterlist!

Hey guys! So as you’ve probably seen, I’ve been nominated for a few phanfic awards this year! To make your lives easier, I’ve decided to compile all of my fics that were nominated into one document so that it’s easier for you guys to know where I was nominated and how to vote for them ^-^ If you don’t want to vote for me, that’s okay too! There are TONS of authors in the awards who deserve it so much and who need your love and support! Without further ado, here are my fics that were nominated for awards!

Best Overall Awards (link to vote here)

Best of the Best: Sweet Pea Best Author: botanistlester

Best Genre (link to vote here)

Best Angst: Sweet Pea Best Fluff: How to Flirt: Embarrassed Boy Edition Best Combinations: A Dance With Death Best Slow Burn: Sweet Pea Best Oneshot: How to Flirt: Embarrassed Boy Edition Best Chaptered: Sweet Pea

Other Awards (link to vote here)

Best Comedy: Life in Death Edge of the Seat award: Sweet Pea Hardcore smut: Weave Me into Your Skin

And that’s all for now! Thank you to everyone who wants to vote for me, and thank you to everyone in general for participating! Good luck to everyone who was nominated :D

[auroraphilealis]

Snowbunnylester’s Phanfic Award Nominations

Hey guys! I was nominated for a few fics this year for the phanfiction awards @phanficawards and I thought I could make a quick masterlist for them just like I did last year so that if you guys want to vote for me, you can see this list and easily see if any of my fics are up for an award. 

Please remember I want you guys to vote for the fic that you think is more deserving to win, so this isn’t me just asking you guys to vote for me because it’s me, it’s me saying hey, if you liked this fic of mine, you can vote for it :)

Thank you to everyone who nominated me, and also to everyone who has supported me!

Best Collab

Steal My Heart, @snowbunnylester and @ineverhadmyinternetphase (VOTE HERE)

Best Fluff

How To Win A Boy: Fumbling Punk Edition - @snowbunnylester (VOTE HERE)

Best Slow Burn

Heaven Scent - snowbunnylester (VOTE HERE)

Best Chaptered

Heaven scent - snowbunnylester (VOTE HERE)

Best Trope

Heaven Scent - Snowbunnylester (VOTE HERE)

Best Comedy

Broken Terrarium - @snowbunnylester (VOTE HERE)

[adorkablephil]

phanficawards and gratitude

I’ve already reblogged the posts in which my fics were mentioned as nominations, but I also wanted to post separately a very sincere thank you to every single individual person who nominated any of my stories in any of the @phanficawards categories.

Even if you nominated a story that didn’t end up being on the list because not enough other people nominated it, I appreciate the fact that you enjoyed even one of my stories enough to want it recognized. Your support means so much to me.

As for the voting, there are tons of phenomenally wonderful stories nominated, and in some cases I’m competing against friends or admired idols, so I’m not going to urge anyone to go out there and vote for my stories. As the moderators of @phanficawards suggest, I encourage you to go read as many of the nominees as you can—I know it’ll be a hardship to read that many good phanfics—and vote for whichever stories you like the most.

Just seeing my stories among the nominations means a lot to me and makes me happy, so I just wanted to take a moment to thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart: every single one of you who nominated one of my stories and every single one of you who puts effort into running @phanficawards.

As is widely acknowledged, fic writers often don’t get the recognition and attention that other creators in the phandom receive, and so—in fact—I am immensely grateful to all of you who nominated anyone, even if it wasn’t me, even if you don’t like my stories. If you got involved with @phanficawards in any way, thank you. Thank you from all fic writers, because we appreciate the validation. It helps keep us going.

[sapphicgarland]

So the 2017 phanfic awards are underway

Last year Amaroso was nominated but didn’t win. Thought I was a bit sad it didn’t win, I’m just so happy it got the chance to be nominated!!

Playing Favourites and The Universe Just Made A Mistake are my two phanfics from 2017 that are ripe for nomination. It would mean so much to me for one of them to be nominated and if you feel them worthy of it feel free! Thanks you!!

Ao3

DA

Ff. Net

Wattpad

[phanlight]

phanfic awards 2016

YO so im late as fuck to this bandwagon but i got nominated for a few fic awards this year!!!

if ya wanna vote for me, here are the fics nominated and for which category:

phanlight (dat me) for fave phan blogger and best author

a friend of a friend, these strangers at the party never paid for best tumblr fic and best oneshot

the bookshop that has (almost) everything for best of the best AU and originality award

i dont wanna be That Kid but having been writing on this blog for over three years it honestly means the world to be nominated again like srsly WTF thank u all so much its been a good year (on here at least lmfao). heres to the next 3 years!!!

HAPPY VOTING XXX

[ttlmt]

2020 fic masterpost!

(i saw other people doing this so i wanted to do it to, just to sort of show myself what i did more than anything. i posted my first fic on 24 december 2019 and my second on 25 december, so i’m including those too. it’s been quite the year, thank you for all the love <3 y’all are truly amazing)

sense of home

G / 600 words / Dan and Phil spend Christmas together for the first time.

you are gonna have dreams

T / 982 words / "You are gonna have dreams." "You're gonna have sex." or a timestamp of that time Dan and Phil predicted each other's futures in festive ditl.

non-verbal communication

G / 559 words / aka dan loves phil’s hands and eyes and maybe they have their own secret language.

better now

G / 922 words /  dan hates reading his law textbook but he likes talking to phil.

paranormal activity

T / 844 words / “Is it just me or is the curtain pole moving?” based on amazingphil's instagram story on 21 april, 2020.

keep your brittle heart warm

G / 573 words / this summer is strange. but its warm. and theres wine. and theres music. and maybe things will be okay.

rip the plaster

T / 2672 words / dan isn't sure if things are moving too fast or too slow. nothing is going according to plan. he doesn't know what he's doing. but maybe it's time to just rip the plaster. (nominated for the @phanficawards <3)

i also read a bunch of amazing fics this year, (dnp and otherwise) and those call all be found here :)

[phanfictioncatalogue]

Phanfic Awards 2016 Masterlist

Part One

Fave Blogger

@phanfictioncatalogue

Fave Phanfic Trope

Pastel/Punk

Fave 2016 danisnotonfire Video

Dan’s Diss Track - ROAST YOURSELF CHALLENGE

Fave 2015 AmazingPhil Video

Reacting to my Baby Videos!

Fave 2016 Gaming Channel Video

Dan and Phil play UNDERTALE!

Fave 2016 Dan and Phil Collab Video

Halloween Baking - MONSTER POPS!

Fave 2016 Phan Moment

“I’ve spent the majority of 2016 with another person”

Fave 2016 danisnotonfire Tweet

finally @AmazingPhil exposed

Fave 2016 AmazingPhil Tweet

‘Me and my brother just got mistakenly called ‘sir and madam’ on the train and now we’re trying to figure out who was madam’

Best of the Best Fic

First Place: Burn and Bloom - @jilliancares​ (ao3)

Second Place: In My Way - @ineverhadmyinternetphase​ (tumblr)

Third Place: When It Rains It Pours - wordsongs (ao3)

Best Author

First Place: @jilliancares (tumblr)

Second Place: @phansdick (tumblr)

Third Place: @ineverhadmyinternetphase (tumblr)

Best Tumblr Fic

First Place: A Friend of A Friend, These Strangers At the Party Never Paid - @phanlight (tumblr)

Second Place: The Nixon Fic - @twink-dan (tumblr)

Third Place: Chocolates, Flowers, Poems, and Other Ways to Say “I Hate You - @placingglaciers​ (tumblr)

Best Ao3 Fic

First Place: When It Rains It Pours - wordsongs (ao3)

Second Place: No, We’re Not Calling This Fate - everythingisalot (ao3)

Third Place: As Sweet As Devotion - @cafephan (ao3)

Best Wattpad Fic

First Place: Snapchat - rickyblitz (wattpad)

Second Place: Soap - StayStrongLittleLove, @moderndodie (wattpad)

Third Place: Pretty in Pink - Smol_micunt, @stargazingphan (wattpad)

Best Collab

First Place: Let Me Be Your Call Boy - @insanityplaysfics & @embarrassing-myself (tumblr)

Second Place: You’re Love’s a Fucking Drag - @phansdick & @whalefairyfandom12

Third Place: The Summer - @phansdick & @insanityplaysfics (tumblr)

Best of the Best AU

First Place: Sidetracked - @phanimist

Second Place:  The Bookshop That Has Almost Everything - @phanlight (tumblr)

Third Place: Misplaced - @jilliancares (tumblr)

Best Fantasy AU

First Place: A Wizard’s Misgivings -  @jilliancares (ao3)

Second Place: Emergency Substitute - @parentaladvisorybullshitcontent (ao3)

Third Place: Watchful- @cafephan (ao3)

Best Trope

First Place:  Your Petals Are My Thorns - @theshyauthor (tumblr)

Second Place: Shared Sounds - @ineverhadmyinternetphase (ao3, tumblr)

Third Place: The song in my head (reminds me of you) - Thornsword (ao3)

Best LGBTQA+

First Place:  In My Way - @ineverhadmyinternetphase (ao3)

Second Place: Let Me Be Your Call Boy - @insanityplaysfics & @embarrassing-myself (tumblr, ao3)

Third Place: people stare ‘cause we look so good together - @internetakeover (ao3)

Best Reality

First Place: Home is Where the Wifi Connects Automatically- oqua, @oqua12 (ao3)

Second Place:  No Strings - @phangirlingforphan (tumblr)

Third Place:  The Way I See You - @ineverhadmyinternetphase (tumblr, ao3)

Best Universe Augmentation

First Place Nobody, Not Even the Rain- @phansdick (tumblr, ao3)

Second Place: Moving On - kimberly_a, @adorkablephil (ao3)

Third Place:  When it rains it pours - wordsongs (ao3)

Best Angst

First Place: When it rains it pours - wordsongs (ao3)

Second Place: Nobody, Not Even the Rain - @phansdick (tumblr)

Third Place: Ripple - @cafephan (ao3)

Best Fluff

First Place: Fifty Kisses to Christmas - nokomisfics (ao3)

Second Place: How to propose to Phil Lester - @phangirlingforphan(tumblr)

Third Place: The Way I See You - @ineverhadmyinternetphase (ao3)

[blissedoutphil]

Phil’s Road Trip Playlist

Thank you anon for the wonderful prompt, I hope you’re still around and I’m not too late at filling this! And I know you said fluffy and then sex but I got inspired to do something different so I’m sorry it doesn’t actually fulfil your prompt entirely :x but this could always mean a possible part 2 :~)

This is different from what I’m used to writing, I wanted to try something new and I really enjoyed it even if it doesn’t match up to my smut only fics lol. I hope you guys enjoy my first non-smut fic :)

7767 words of uni roommates!phan, angst, fluff, friends to lovers, songfic

Thank you for voting this to First Place in Undiscovered Fic category of the Phanficawards 2019 <3

or read on ao3!

“You alright?” Phil asked quietly, slinging his bag off his shoulder and dropping it to the floor before cautiously moving towards the motionless body in the bed opposite his.

His roommate didn’t answer him, just brought his blanket over his face.

Dan sighed. The only thing worse than sinking again is letting Phil see him sink again. He had tried. He’d tried to be better, stay better for the sake of Phil. If only so he wouldn’t have to see concern and worry and even sadness pool in those bright blue eyes. But sometimes he just couldn’t help falling back into the dark abyss of emptiness. What else could he do if everything is pointless anyways.

Dan felt the edge of his bed dip. He shut his eyes, not wanting to face the world. Not wanting to face his roommate and the fact that he’s a disappointment for letting his roommate down again. He knows Phil would never blame him, but deep down he blames himself for causing Phil so much worry.

Gentle hands pulled the blanket off his face. Dan blinked up, regretting it instantly when he saw Phil’s brows crease.

Phil hated seeing him like this. He knew that behind that lifeless stare was a warm hazel, full of wonder and awe. He loved seeing those eyes look back at him with excitement when they skip lectures for a movie, how they twinkle with hope when Phil assures him that everything will be fine in times when he couldn’t see anything positive in his future. Or in times when he couldn’t see himself even having a future at all.

“What happened?”

Whenever Dan was in this dark part of his mind, he just felt numb and emotionless. But Phil could simply say two words and suddenly his eyes stung with tears, his heart beat with fury and he felt too much all at once.

He wanted to answer Phil, wanted to yell at him, wanted to disappear. But he didn’t have the energy for any of that. All he could do was shrug and shut his eyes again.

Phil brushed away the curl that was covering Dan’s forehead. Dan can’t remember the last time he had a haircut, and he was sure that his messy tangled curls were definitely an unruly sight.

“Could you try to get up for me please? I know you haven’t eaten since yesterday and we should have lunch now,” Phil spoke softly, his words so full of care that Dan can’t deny his requests even if he wanted to.

Dan felt like his whole body was protesting as he tried to sit up. He’d been in bed since yesterday afternoon, and judging from Phil returning from school, it was probably past noon now. Still it didn’t feel like he’d had any rest at all. His mouth felt dry, but he didn’t have the appetite to eat or even drink.

“M’not hungry,” was all Dan managed to mumble out.

Phil bit his lip as he thought of how to coax Dan out of his bed. He knew that Dan always tried his best for him, even if he felt too exhausted to do anything. But he also didn’t want to push Dan too hard when he got like this. He took Dan’s hand in his.

Dan stared at his hand being sandwiched between Phil’s. Phil felt so warm around his cold hand. He slowly looked up at Phil quizzically.

“Let’s go for a drive,” Phil suggested softly.

Phil wasn’t a good driver; failed twice before finally getting his license and then never making use of it for a year after getting it despite having a car that was gifted to him by his parents for finally passing. Dan knew this and joked about how he would never risk his life being Phil’s passenger. But there was one day when Dan was falling into the darkness again, and he said something that stuck to Phil.

Dan talked about how he just wanted to feel free. The kind of freedom where he wouldn’t have to think about any responsibility he had, any failures or people he’d disappointed. The kind of freedom that he knew was temporary, but forgetting about his past and future to live in the moment would help him feel at peace even if just for a while until his mind was clear enough again to face his problems.

And Dan talked about how he’d feel that kind of fleeting freedom when he went on road trips. The vast fields and open skies as far as he could see down the never-ending road ahead gave him a sense of liberty. It shows him how big the world is, and how small his problems are in contrast. That there is so much more to life and what the world has to offer than his own worries and anxiety. And when he sees it that way, he’ll get more confident in trying to overcome his problems, instead of letting them eat him up instead.

Since then, Phil actually started practising his driving more. Dan was skeptical at first, but Phil insisted on driving him to campus one day. Dan thought he’d fear for his life, but it ended up being a really pleasant ride and he never made fun of his driving ever again.

“Where to?” Dan mumbled, staring at Phil’s thumb tracing circles on his hand.

“Anywhere. Nowhere, it doesn’t matter. But let’s just get out of here for a while,” Phil said, hoping for Dan to agree.

When Dan looked back up at Phil, all Phil could see was a cold, despondent stare that he was determined to bring warmth back into.

Dan’s whole body felt heavy, it was screaming at him to go back under the covers. But he looked at Phil, looked at his hopeful smile and his encouraging eyes. He already felt enough of a disappointment, he just couldn’t disappoint his best friend any further. 

So Dan gave a small nod, making Phil’s whole face light up. 

Phil quickly got up and grabbed a few pieces of clothing for both of them, shoving them into his backpack. Just in case. He didn’t know how long he’d need to drive before Dan felt better again. 

When he was done packing, he turned back to Dan whose eyebrows were knitted together as he looked at him. He was probably wondering why Phil needed to pack, but he didn’t voice it out. 

Phil came back to Dan’s bed and held onto Dan’s hands again. He gently pulled Dan up, and Dan pliantly allowed his body to be moved as Phil pleased.

“Let’s go,” Phil said excitedly, never letting go of Dan’s hand as he dragged his friend out of their room.

Dan immediately shut his eyes once he got settled in the car. The sun was blinding, and he felt like it was sucking whatever little energy he had left out of him. He just wanted to sleep. He trusted Phil to keep them both safe as he drove to wherever.

Phil looked over at Dan in dismay. He hoped that his plan would work, he just had to give Dan time. He was feeling hungry, having missed breakfast to attend his morning lecture and missed lunch to get back to Dan as soon as he could. So he decided to get them both food first.

Phil could tell that Dan wasn’t asleep because every now and then he would peek an eye open just to see where they were. So Phil knew that he wouldn’t be disturbing Dan if he filled the silence with music.

Dan’s brain was demanding him to sleep but shouting at him about all his worries at the same time. But through the loudness of his mind, he could still hear the song Phil started playing. 

Sleeping is giving in No matter what the time is Sleeping is giving in So lift those heavy eyelids

The lyrics hit Dan, and he opened his eyes and looked at Phil. He wondered if Phil chose the song on purpose.

“Oh sorry did you wanna sleep? I can turn it off-”

“S’fine,” Dan interrupted, “but what are you playing?”

Phil tried to hide his joy. That was the most he’d heard his best friend speak at once in the past few days.

“It’s my road trip playlist!” he responded excitedly.

People say that your dreams are the only things that save ya Come on baby in our dreams, we can live our misbehaviour

Dan grunted in what he hoped Phil understood as an approval before facing away from him again. He leaned against the window, staring blankly at the cars passing by. He thought about how his dreams could save him, if only they were attainable.

Dan had zoned out after that, liking the buzz in his head more than the song forcing him to be self-aware. But as Phil slowed into a driveway, he tuned back into the present.

“What d’ya wanna get?” Phil asked, stopping behind a queue of cars.

Dan looked around and realised that Phil had entered a McDonalds drive-thru.

Dan shrugged, “Anything.”

Dan knew that Phil knows Dan’s go-to order at McDonalds anyway. And Phil knew that Dan knew that, but he was just trying to get Dan to talk.

A few minutes later, Phil was shoving a big bag onto Dan’s lap. The aroma of the food did stir Dan’s stomach up. It growled as Dan salivated. The thing about sinking into the darkness was that even if he was hungry, he’d be too preoccupied with fighting against the demons in his head to realise. But with the food now right on his lap, he suddenly couldn’t wait to eat. He looked over at Phil.

Phil smiled at him, it was the first time that day that Dan’s gaze was more than just a blank, dead one. Phil thought he looked kinda cute all wide-eyed silently asking if he could eat.

“Go ahead! I’ll find somewhere to park first,” he said as he drove into the carpark.

Dan looked into the bag. Phil had gotten him a quarter pounder with fries and a milkshake. Just as he liked it. He grabbed a couple of fries and started munching on them first.

When Phil was parked, they took their food out and laid it out as best as they could on the dashboard.

“How come we used the drive thru just to sit at the carpark?” Dan mumbled.

“Well I thought you wouldn’t want to enter the place with the crowd in there and all...” Phil rationalised.

“You’re right,” Dan mused, “I wouldn’t have liked that. Thanks.”

Phil smiled, glad he did make the right choice. He started digging into his big mac, but kept a watchful eye on Dan to make sure he ate too.

Dan was still slowly munching on his fries. When he noticed that Phil was glancing over at him, he wordlessly offered Phil some of his fries.

“It’s alright, I got my own,” Phil said with his mouth still full.

But Dan insisted, bringing the fries in his fingers closer to Phil’s face. Phil’s giggle was stifled when the fries were pushed into his mouth. Phil smiled as he chewed, happy that his friend was slowly feeling okay enough to show affection again. Dan didn’t even seem bothered that his fingertips were caught between Phil’s lips.

Dan quite liked feeding Phil. He wasn’t sure exactly why, but he always got a sense of joy whenever he let his friend have a bite of his pizza, or fed him a forkful of pasta, or tilted his drink for Phil to take a sip. And it was nice to feel something other than emptiness as he fed Phil his fries this time.

Phil was aware how Dan liked to feed him when he was being in a cheeky mood. Dan didn’t seem to be doing this to be cheeky this time, but Phil was happy it’s happening all the same, and he’d accept however much food being fed to him to make his friend happy.

Dan alternated between eating his fries and giving some to Phil. He liked how Phil didn’t question him or make him stop, but just accepted his offer every time. When he eventually ran out of fries, he wiped his hand clean and looked out the window.

“You not gonna eat your burger?” Phil asked, wiping his mouth as he finished his own food.

Dan busied himself looking at a couple of kids laughing and running into the restaurant. Oh what fun it is to be young and free. He shook his head no.

Phil’s shoulders drooped a little. He’d thought that Dan was starting to feel better.

“’m full already,” Dan answered, “maybe later.”

“Okay,” Phil responded softly.

Phil started the car and slowly went out of the driveway. He drove aimlessly. He didn’t have a proper destination in mind, and he didn’t really care how long he’d have to drive or where they ended up as long as they were together and he’d have his Dan by the end of it. He saw the sign saying they were leaving Manchester, and decided to just continue driving south.

Phil’s road trip playlist started again, but the songs didn’t hit home as much as the first one, so Dan asked him to restart it.

People try and hide the light Underneath the covers

Dan stared out the window most of the ride. The weather was the opposite of his gloomy mood. The late afternoon sun was beaming down on them. He saw cows and sheep grazing lazily on the open fields. The clouds looked beautiful against the blue sky. For a fleeting moment, Dan let himself believe that life can be beautiful. He grabbed his milkshake, overwhelmed by the sudden thought. Perhaps the milkshake can give him a brain freeze that would numb him from overthinking for a while.

Now here's the sun, it's alright Lies, lies

Dan appreciated that Phil didn’t try to force a conversation out of him. Phil knew that he needed his space even while he needed someone to be there for him at the same time. He never thought anyone would get that, but Phil does. Phil understands him so well that it scares him as much as it comforts him sometimes. He sipped on his milkshake harder.

The song ended, Phil’s playlist moving on to a more upbeat pop song. Phil tapped along to the song on his steering wheel, humming at the chorus. Dan looked over at his friend. Phil seemed so content to just drive. Drive for no reason other than for Dan to clear his mind. Although it was his petrol and his time of day that Dan was wasting.

Phil looked back over just then, and smiled at Dan. Dan pursed his lips into a forced smile, even though he meant it in a genuine way. He just couldn’t understand why Phil would care for him this much.

“Why are you driving?”

Phil’s brows creased together. 

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, why are you doing this? Don’t you have that assignment due soon? And your petrol-”

“Don’t worry about any of that Dan, you know I’m always here for you. I want to help you feel better, no matter what.”

Dan gulped. The sincerity in Phil’s voice scared him. He didn’t feel like he deserved such attention and care from anyone. He turned back to facing the road ahead. The unending path taking them to anywhere, nowhere. Taking them to wherever it is that Dan will supposedly feel better, before heading back.

Dan’s reaction worried Phil a little. He was afraid that Dan might’ve changed his mind about this road trip. Perhaps it wasn’t a good idea all along, and Dan was just following along because he felt like he had to.

“We could always go back if you want?” Phil asked tentatively.

Dan looked surprised for a second, but he shook his head almost immediately.

“No, I like this. Thank you,” Dan murmured.

He wished he could show his gratitude better. Maybe when he felt better he’d repay Phil somehow.

“If you wanna go back at any time just tell me, alright?” Phil asked, still a little worried.

Dan nodded, proceeding to sip on his milkshake.

They fell into comfortable silence again. If only Dan’s mind could match the silence between them.

Dan started thinking about his latest episode and the main thing on his mind. A lot of times, his mood plummeted for almost no reason at all, but sometimes he’d have a clearer understanding of why it happened. Especially if his mind won’t stop reminding him about his main worry at the moment.

He stole glances at Phil. Phil, his roommate of 3 years since his first day of university. Phil, who quickly became his best friend. Phil, a year his senior who would be graduating in about a month. Phil, who had been by his side through everything he’d been through both good and bad.

He has no clue how he was going to survive his final year without Phil. Phil had been there for him through every breakdown he had in university. He’d quickly learned how to help Dan in such situations, and by now it’s like he knew just what Dan needed even if Dan didn’t know himself.

Pro-pro-pro-pro-pro-pro-pro-pro-pro-pro-paganda

Dan’s inner monologue was momentarily interrupted.

“How is this a road trip song?” he chuckled a little.

Phil didn’t care if it wasn’t an appropriate road trip song. If it made Dan laugh, even just a little, then it stays on the playlist.

“Okay I may not be the best at making playlists that follow the theme properly,” Phil giggled, “but I like this song!”

Dan can’t argue with Phil there, not when he looked so damn adorable with his tongue poking out as he giggled. He felt something flutter in his gut. Something he hadn’t felt in a while since he sank into his darkness. He can’t decide if he liked the feeling or not.

Dan can remember the times he’d felt the flutter in his stomach; there weren’t many before he met Phil. But with Phil, it could happen for the most random reasons and catch him off guard. Things that he never thought would affect him in the slightest would send the butterflies in his stomach into a frenzy whenever Phil did it. Like right now. All Phil was doing was laughing. He’d miss that laugh very much.

Two hours passed, and they reached Birmingham.

“I gotta go pee,” Phil said urgently as he exited the highway and drove to the nearest petrol station.

They both used the restroom and Phil refilled his car’s petrol. Phil got some snacks and drinks, and then he was ready to go off again. But before that, he had to check in on Dan.

“Are you feeling better?” he asked softly.

Dan actually was starting to crawl out of his dark hole, but Phil’s question made him feel like crying. He wasn’t sure if it was in a good way or not. He just wanted to adjust the stray fringe drooping across Phil’s forehead.

“Mhm,” Dan managed to answer.

“So you wanna go back?”

Dan looked at the time. It was only a quarter past five. They had plenty of time. He had plenty of Phil’s time to waste.

“Not yet,” Dan admitted quietly.

Phil smiled softly, “Okay, let’s go then. Oh, and please eat your burger Dan, it’s probably gone cold.”

Dan had almost forgotten he still had food left, but he wasn’t hungry, so he’ll save it for later.

Dan thought that Phil’s playlist was a mess. It had lots of pop songs mixed in with some indie and rock songs, and even an edm song or two thrown in for the hell of it. But it was rather endearing how Phil just put whatever he liked. Dan, on the other hand, would have to analyse every single lyric of every song, would have to feel the correct emotions as the song plays, for it to be put in his themed playlists. He wished he could give less of a shit like Phil for these kind of things that ultimately don’t matter as long as you’re having fun in the end.

But a few of the songs in there really made Dan think. And those were the only ones he would actually approve of being in a road trip playlist.

If at some point we all succumb For goodness sake let us be young Because time gets harder to outrun And I'm nobody, I'm not done

Phil observed how Dan gazed far out into the fields. He thought about how Dan’s mind must be running a mile a minute, just like Dan once told him when he got like this. He wished he could hear Dan’s thoughts, if only so he could learn what he needs and how to help him better.

Phil very much preferred the rambly Dan over the silent Dan when he goes through tough times. Even though Dan could ramble on and on endlessly, his monologues were always so profound and Phil was always blown away by his intelligence. He loved having deep conversations with Dan. He always learned something new about Dan, their friendship, or even random facts. And he felt special that Dan was willing to open up to him so much.

But Dan was in a quiet mood now, and he’ll respect that even if it was killing him to know what Dan was thinking.

He recalled the first time Dan had a breakdown in their room. Frankly, Phil was afraid because he really hadn’t known what he could do to help. He’d listened to his friend speak out all his worries that he’d bottled up, and tried to calm him down, but it took about a week for Dan to feel like himself again.

We all got old at breakneck speed Slow it down, go easy on me

Phil thought about how when he met Dan, the teen was so shy and reserved, but as they grew closer and older together, he got to know just how amazing, kind hearted and intelligent he is.

He started thinking about all the moments that they’ve shared over the years in university. Not just big events, but even little everyday moments. Things that don’t seem special when done with other friends were greatly cherished when it was with Dan.

He remembered how after Dan spent the night crying over his overdue assignment that caused his first breakdown, he’d ordered McDonalds for their supper. Dan hadn’t eaten the entire day, and still refused to eat. Phil wasn’t sure what Dan would like, so he just ordered randomly. A quarter pounder with fries and a milkshake. They’d sat on their floor, Dan slowly eating his food while Phil talked animatedly about the squirrels and pigeons he saw on the way to campus. Just going on and on about trivial matters in the hopes of making Dan smile.

And they’ve had plenty of late night suppers over the years. Not all sad of course. Most were actually times they stayed up playing video games. Some nights were spent celebrating little victories like completing essays or passing a quiz. Phil was an introvert himself who didn’t really enjoy going out partying all the time, so he was delighted to have gotten a roommate who felt the same and wouldn’t judge him for turning down a night out. While their coursemates celebrated the end of exams in clubs, Dan and Phil would just have a quiet night in their room with a bottle of wine shared between them. Phil had quickly realised that he didn’t care about making more friends or hanging out with other people, he just wanted to be with Dan.

Phil thought about how they’d skip lectures just to hang out as if they don’t already see enough of each other in their room. How they’d sleep in after a movie marathon the whole night. How they’d mess up the entire pantry every time they tried to cook. How their study sessions in the library almost always ended up in some funny competition to get the other person to make a noise without getting caught. He was going to miss all those little moments, maybe even more so than the big events they went through together.

Phil can’t believe that 3 years with Dan flew by so quickly. He’d had some of the best times of his life with him, and they’d been through some of their toughest together. He sighed inaudibly when he realised just how much he’ll miss Dan when he graduates.

They soon drove past Slough. Phil wondered if they should stop by London, but Dan didn’t seem interested in stopping at all. Dan had dozed off for about half an hour, and when he got up his mood still didn’t seem to improve much. He did, however, start eating his burger.

Dan was peacefully eating but stopped when he realised they were in Slough.

“Please don’t tell me you’re driving me home,” he pleaded.

“No no I’m not,” Phil reassured him, trying not to read too much into how betrayed Dan sounded.

Cause it's cold outside, when you coming home Cause it's hot inside, isn't that enough

Phil loved going home. He was always homesick in university, that is until he met Dan. After Dan came into his life he still always wanted to go home of course, but less because he couldn’t cope living away from family and more because he was just always so eager to share with his family stories about him and Dan and their little adventures.

He’d even brought Dan home during a holiday once, because Dan didn’t want to go back to his own home and Phil couldn’t bear the thought of leaving Dan to spend his holiday alone in campus. His family had loved Dan, and even though Dan was nervous at first, Phil was happy to see how quickly he warmed up to them. Since then, Dan actually spent more holidays with Phil’s family than his own.

Phil never could quite empathise with Dan not liking going home. He did drive Dan back home for a holiday once, and Dan’s family seemed loving and welcoming. Dan had explained to him how his hometown was just filled with bad memories for him. Phil hoped that one day Dan would be able to overcome his past.

Dan visibly relaxed into his seat after Phil reassured him. He looked warily at the sign and the road exiting the highway and leading into his hometown. Dan recalled the first time he followed Phil home for the holidays, after much persuasion from Phil. His mom had sounded really upset over the phone when he informed her he wasn’t going home. But besides the guilt for upsetting his mom, Dan had had the most fun in years. He felt a lump in his throat as he thought about having to spend the holidays alone in campus after Phil graduates. He couldn’t possibly invite himself to Phil’s anymore, can he.

The evening sun gave off a beautiful golden gleam on the horizon. Through the side view mirror, Dan could see the golden hour making his skin glow, despite his eyebags and dark eye circles.

Fascination ends Here we go again

He turned to Phil. The sun brought out the colours of his eyes perfectly. Dan thought that Phil’s eyes were magical, with the way they seemed to change shades under the light. He even told Phil once just how mesmerising he found his eyes to be.

Phil would smile at Dan every time Dan turned to him. Dan took the moment to appreciate how the golden hues from the sun blended with the green-blue of Phil’s eyes. And then he realised that those eyes were looking back at his own tired, dull ones. Dan never imagined that he’d let himself look so disheveled in front of someone so perfect.

Dan decided to pay attention to Phil’s playlist instead of letting his mind fixate again. The beat of the music was throbbing.

I'm not in love I'm not in love I'm not in love

The already propulsive synths become unavoidably sweeping as the singer’s declaration sounds shakier each time he repeats it, as if it was getting harder and harder to convince himself the truth of the words he sang. Dan felt the singer’s emotional vulnerability in his bones, and it wasn’t helping him to stop fixating at all. In fact it did the complete opposite.

He’d never been in a relationship. Neither had Phil. It was a common topic between them - quiet conversations about how they both hope to find love one day. The kind of love that is unconditional, that won’t fade out but grow stronger as time goes on and they understand their partners better. But Dan wasn’t so sure that life could be such a fairytale. Who could love him unconditionally when he was so broken?

He recalled one conversation they had about what they looked for in a partner, and both of them listed characteristics that actually matched each other. Dan wasn’t sure if it was him overthinking that or if it was a coincidence, but Phil didn’t seem to connect the dots, so Dan had concluded that it was just him and repressed it.

And how was he meant to know what love felt like anyway? Were the butterflies in his stomach a sign or are those just short-lived feelings? Where’s the line that crosses between merely caring for someone and actually being in love with them and when do you know that you’ve crossed it?

He rubbed his eyes and wondered if being in love was meant to hurt.

Phil was alarmed when he turned to Dan and noticed that Dan was tearing up. One moment Dan was just gazing at him passively and the next it seemed that he was trembling slightly.

“You alright, Dan?” he voiced his concern.

Dan wanted to respond, but he knew that if he allowed himself so much as to say one word, he’d start bawling, or throwing up his burger. He swallowed thickly, forcing himself to nod his head.

Phil knew by now that Dan was lying, but he also knew not to push Dan too hard if he didn’t want to speak. He knew that Dan would tell him in time. So he just reassured Dan that he’ll be there to listen if Dan decides to talk.

Dan nodded again, turning to look out the window instead. He blinked furiously, not letting his tears fall. He watched the horses running along the fields to calm himself down.

Realisation is always the easy part. It’s the acceptance after that that is harder to conquer. Denial would be more tempting, but Dan knows that won’t be good for him in the long run. He’d burst eventually; all his bottled up emotions will overflow as regret takes over and he could no longer deny his feelings.

But how was he to accept? Deep down, he knew that he’d realised long ago, and that he was quietly in denial all along. Because what other option does he have?

Phil only had a month left before graduating. Before packing up all his stuff in their room and moving out to start the new chapter in his life. And leave this chapter behind, with Dan in it.

Dan had trouble enough accepting that his best friend was leaving soon, how was he supposed to accept the fact that he had feelings for him? And how was he supposed to admit it if the feelings weren’t mutual?

We are not in love We are not in love We are not in love We are not in love

Actually Dan wasn’t sure if it was mutual or not. Sometimes he would catch Phil looking at him in a way that Dan can’t find the words to describe, but it would make his heart skip a beat. Their friends always turned heads whenever Phil invited Dan to his home for the holidays. Phil would almost always rather be with Dan than anyone else, even if he’d already spent the entire week alone with him, but Dan doesn’t know if it’s because he’s just being nice to him or if he’s that introverted. Dan wasn’t able to discern if Phil was just a super caring friend or if he went out of his way for Dan all the time because he actually loved him back. Where is that line?

But the nasty thought at the back of his mind told him that he’s overthinking all those little moments. There’s no way Phil could love him back, especially when he’s more often a burden than a friend. Like right now, when Phil could be resting or completing his assignment, but he’s out here doing the best he can to help Dan feel better instead.

Dan looked at the road signs. They were only less than an hour away from Brighton. He wondered what Phil would do next to help him once the road ends. He needed to start feeling better, for Phil’s sake.

When they reached Brighton, Phil drove to a less touristy part of the beach and parked.

“Let’s get ice cream,” he said, his smile reaching his eyes.

When Dan didn’t answer immediately, Phil tried again.

“C’mon, we gotta at least get out and stretch!! We’ve been cooped up in here too long.”

So Dan agreed, and his knees cracked as he stood up outside the car. Phil stretched his arms and sides, sighing in contentment.

They could hear the waves and smell the salty waters of the English Channel. The sun was going lower on the horizon, the golden hour making the seaside even more beautiful than the plains.

Dan quietly followed Phil to the nearest ice cream shop. Phil walked so close that their hands brushed, and even as Dan blushed, he could tell that Phil didn’t care. 

The look on Phil’s face when he got his ice cream was almost enough to make Dan forget his plight. Phil’s smile was contagious, and Dan found himself smiling a little as well while they walked to a quieter part of the beach to enjoy their ice cream.

Phil plopped himself down on the pebbles, and Dan sat a little more gracefully. Phil sighed happily. It took him little to be happy. All he needed was his best friend by his side, a good ice cream and the beautiful sunset as the waves crashed in front of them. He licked his salted caramel ice cream.

When he turned to Dan, to no surprise, Dan was offering him his ice cream. Phil smiled and tasted his friend’s strawberry ice cream before letting him taste his too. Phil’s smile faltered a bit when he realised just how much he’s going to miss peaceful moments like this with Dan. He had to cherish them while they last.

“Feeling better?” Phil checked in again.

“Yup,” Dan said honestly. Now that his mind was clearer on what’s been bugging him recently and now that he’d accepted his feelings, he did feel better. He felt like he didn’t need to numb his emotions anymore. He was free from his dark hole, if just for this moment.

“That’s good, I’m glad the road trip worked,” Phil said cheerfully.

Dan felt a somewhat bittersweet feeling. The crashing of the waves and the seagulls above them were the only sounds breaking their peaceful silence. A couple of people strolled by occasionally, and there were some kids running along the coast with their dogs. Dan thought about how fortunate he was, that he could be anywhere in the world with anyone, but fate placed him with Phil watching the sunset by the beach. He did not want to think about how different his life and his university experience would’ve been if Phil didn’t end up as his roommate.

“Thank you,” Dan said in a small voice.

“It’s alright,” Phil smiled as he ate the last bit of his ice cream cone. He scooted closer to his friend.

“I’m not just talking about the road trip, or the ice cream,” Dan explained, sensing that Phil didn’t quite understand.

Phil tilted his head a little, indicating that he’s listening for Dan to continue.

“Thank you, for driving all the way here. For always being so patient and understanding with me, and dealing with my shit. Even if you don’t get why I think certain things the way I do, like how a drive could help me, you still do them anyway for me. You didn’t have to waste your money or time but you’re so selfless like that and just. Thank you.”

Phil was caught off-guard. Dan did show him appreciation whenever he helped him out of his episodes, but he never really said it with such raw emotion before. Dan’s voice cracked, wavered as he spoke. Phil wanted to say that it’s fine, he was always more than happy to help, but Dan wasn’t done.

“Thank you for. For knowing what I need when even I don’t know what I need. I don’t know how you do that. And thank you for all the times you stood by me when you could’ve gone to your other friends, and for never leaving me alone. For-”

“Dan, your ice cream,” Phil interrupted.

Dan’s ice cream was melting down his fingers, but he didn’t care. 

“Thank you for making me feel. When I feel nothing at all, when I’m too numb, you just show up and be you and I feel alive again?” Dan wasn’t even sure if he’s making sense now.

His vision was blurring. He’d spent countless nights with Phil just talking about how he felt all the time, but he’d never really spoken at length about just how much he appreciated Phil. Phil deserved to know what an amazing friend he is, and Dan was now frustrated for not letting Phil know it enough. But he felt vulnerable as he continued speaking, like he’s finally opening all of himself up for Phil to see.

“I don’t know what I’m gonna do without you, Phil,” Dan whispered into his melted ice cream, trembling as he finally let his tears flow free.

“Oh Dan...” Phil whispered, quickly wiping the ice cream off Dan’s messy hand with a napkin.

He then pulled his shaking friend into a tight hug, bracketing his legs around Dan’s thighs and effectively removing any space between them.

“You’ve grown so much in the years I’ve known you, and I know that you’re gonna do just fine,” Phil rubbed his hand on Dan’s back as he spoke into Dan’s ear.

“I’m gonna miss you so much,” Dan’s voice cracked again.

Phil tucked Dan’s head under his chin. Dan fisted at Phil’s shirt as he let his tears fall onto Phil’s chest.

“I’m gonna miss you too, more than you imagine,” Phil started tearing up too.

“But it’s alright, Dan, because we still have a month before I graduate,” Phil said as he pulled away from Dan and lifted his chin so he could look him in the eyes, “And I’ll never forget you or leave you behind after uni.”

Dan looked up and saw nothing but sincerity and certainty in Phil’s eyes. He almost dared himself to believe that nothing would change after Phil was done with uni. But he knows that that’s impossible. Especially if he tells Phil his true feelings.

He was still afraid of how Phil would react. This could ruin everything they had, but Dan was willing to take the risk. He’d gone too many sleepless nights just thinking and denying and bottling up everything about how he felt for Phil. He reckoned that now more than ever was a good time to admit it and then seek closure no matter the outcome.

“I don’t think that’s possible,” Dan whispered almost bitterly.

“Why not?” Phil knitted his brows.

“Because.”

Phil patiently waited. Gave Dan time to voice out what he had in mind. He gently carded his hand through Dan’s matted curls.

Dan breathed in deep. Phil running his hand on his scalp helped him calm down but also made him more afraid to continue speaking. It could possibly be the final touch of affection he’d ever get from Phil, and he wanted it to last.

When he couldn’t drag it out any longer, he dared himself to look Phil in the eyes as he said his next few words.

“Because I love you, Phil.”

Dan felt like a huge weight lifted off his shoulders, but felt his throat and chest tighten up at the same time. He felt free of the secret that’s been eating him up, but the seconds that passed waiting for Phil to respond were filled with dread. He wanted to look away, too ashamed of possibly ruining their friendship, but he couldn’t because Phil’s intense gaze was locked on to his.

As Dan spoke those words with such a painful honesty in his voice, Phil felt as if his heart stopped. He’d never imagined Dan ever saying those words to him. He always thought that he’d been overreacting when things Dan did made his breath hitch, or his stomach come alive with butterflies. He always thought Dan was just super affectionate and would be the same with other friends too. He always liked to think he was special, even if he knew he wasn’t.

But now that Dan has said it, it confirmed that his gut feelings were right after all. All those times he refused to admit to himself that he may be falling for his roommate suddenly seemed so silly. The pain in Dan’s eyes made it seem like he had been so afraid of admitting this, as if he was expecting Phil to run away in disgust. Phil wanted to fix that immediately.

“Oh my god, Dan, I never thought you’d feel the same.”

Dan blinked, not sure if he heard Phil right. There’s no way Phil felt the same for him. The setting sun made the gold-blue of Phil’s eyes glisten beautifully and Dan watched as tears slowly start to fall down Phil’s cheeks, mirroring his.

“I love you too, Dan. There’s no one I’ve ever cared for as much as I do for you,” Phil said brokenly, trying to breathe properly through his crying.

Dan was still in a state of shock. He let himself be wrapped by Phil’s arms as he took in Phil’s words. He was prepared to be left at the beach by a repulsed ex-roommate. But here he was instead, loosely hugging Phil’s waist while being in Phil’s warm embrace.

“You...?” was all Dan answered.

“Yes, Dan, I wasn’t ever gonna say it because I thought you never felt the same,” Phil said, laughing a little at how silly that sounds now.

Phil couldn’t stop crying from joy, he didn’t even know he could cry from happiness this much. He hugged Dan tighter, never wanting to let go.

Dan shook his head in disbelief. Slowly, his lips turned up into a smile. And for the first time in a while, he smiled a genuine smile, finally feeling truly happy.

“The whole week... it was because of this?” Phil said, pulling back from the hug but holding onto Dan’s shoulders.

“...yeah, I’m in love with you but I didn’t want to ruin the friendship we already have,” Dan admitted, finding it so easy to say it now that Phil’s said it too. He felt like he didn’t ever want to stop saying it now.

“I can’t believe we’re like this,” Phil laughed.

Dan laughed too. In hindsight, they both know each other so well already, so they should’ve seen this coming. They should’ve known and trusted their instincts, but who would’ve known that they were both too scared to admit the same thoughts all this while.

They sat there laughing for a while, at how unreal it was that this was how they found out. That this was how they realised they were in love. And in love with each other. Sitting by the beach miles away from where they first met, in front of a beautiful sunset. All because Dan was too numb to feel after feeling too much.

“I promise you, Dan, I’ll never leave you. Not after graduation, not ever for as long as you want me by your side,” Phil said, cupping Dan’s cheeks and thumbing away the stray tears.

“Forever sounds good,” Dan whispered as he smiled up at Phil.

It felt like it happened in slow motion but too fast at the same time, when they both instinctively moved closer. Dan could feel Phil’s breath on his nose but his mind barely had time to register what was happening before he was closing his eyes and feeling Phil’s lips against his.

Dan squeezed Phil’s waist as they kissed. He felt his heart soar right out of his dark abyss. Phil’s hands never left his cheeks, and his lips felt like home. Dan found comfort in this strange sense of familiarity in the new beginning upon them.

Phil can’t count the number of times he’d wished he could kiss Dan on his hands. His heart was beating rapidly as he pressed his lips against Dan’s, he can’t believe he was finally getting his wish. It felt right, like they were meant to fit each other. Dan’s lips was soft against his, and he thinks that he could never get enough of it.

They pulled back when they needed air. Phil could finally see the life in Dan’s eyes again. The sun was almost completely set, but the last few rays it was leaving behind illuminated the hazel in Dan’s eyes. Phil thought that he looked absolutely beautiful, wet cheeks and all.

Dan’s mind was still running a mile a minute, but with all good thoughts now. He wondered what this now means for them, where they’d be headed from now on. But they would figure things out. He knew they’d be by each other’s side through anything just like they’d always been, and that’s all that matters.

“Are we going back now?” he asked, feeling Phil’s breath against his lips.

“We’ve only just got here, we’ve got time,” Phil said, unable to contain his smile.

songs featured from Phil’s road trip playlist:

Rebellion (Lies) - Arcade Fire

Propaganda - Muse

Wetsuit - The Vaccines

Not In Love - Crystal Castles

(in order, new song after each line break except Propaganda)

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do tell me what you think! :) maybe I could try venturing into more non-smut, or maybe I should stick to smut only lmao

[coldporridge22-blog]

@phanficawards where can I vote?

[botanistlester]

Sweet Pea (27/34)

Summary: A nickname that goes bitter in your mouth. Cries for help that no one listens to. Gentle hands that make you quake on the ground you’re standing on. When Phil first met Nico, he thought he was a gift from the heavens. But behind the mask lies something daunting, something unnerving, that Phil never foresaw. Through his journey, he finds solace in Dan, the regular at his workplace, who seems to be the only one who sees through Nico’s mask to the darkness underneath. Warnings: Abusive relationship, violence A/N: Kind of a short chapter, but that's alright. I think it's important! I'm excited about the next few chapters ahhh. Chapter 28 MAY come out a little bit early? Not positive? Because I'm going to chicago this next weekend, but it depends on if i have internet connection or not. If I have internet connection then i'm gonna upload it on saturday as usual! Thanks for @snowbunnylester for editing for me. The lyrics at the beginning are from The Fire by Tonight Alive.

ALSO, thank you SO MUCH to everybody who voted for this fic in the phanfic awards. I am super proud to announce that this fic won many awards! Sweet Pea was officially voted first place Best of the Best fic, Best Angst, and Best Chaptered, and second place in the Edge of the Seat Award, and Slow Burn, for the phanfic awards 2017! I appreciate and love all of you and i'm gonna cry wtf!

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Chapter Twenty-Seven

But I made it out alive. I’m here to say I breathe; at least I try. I won’t go without a fight. You can’t stop me.

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Phil has been doing a lot of thinking.

Truth was, he was bored. He was bored of life. His life had become an endless cycle of the same things over and over again; get up, go to work, get back home, clean the house, make dinner, play video games, talk to Dan, go to sleep. Over and over and over again. There was nothing for him to be excited about, nothing that made the wheels in his head turn to make him think, nothing to expand his knowledge about subjects that he cared about.

He missed school. He missed his friends. He missed going out. He missed how he would go to school and giggle in the middle of lectures because his friend had decided to make a lame sex joke under their breath. He missed going to the dining halls on campus and watching the people walk past as he ate a sad enchilada. He missed how he had to stay up late to finish essays because he’d procrastinated way too much. Okay well, maybe he didn’t miss that part, but he missed the other stuff and it almost made him long for that as well.

He was trapped in an endless cycle of boredom and he didn’t really know what to do about it.

“Dan, I think I’m dying,” Phil groaned out one day, when his thoughts finally caught up to him and he realised that he couldn’t fucking do this anymore.

Dan set down his DS, which Phil assumed he had been using to play Animal Crossing judging by the songs. His friend raised his eyebrows in question, staring at him quizzically, expectantly. “Okay?” Dan asked slowly. “And why do you think you’re dying.”

Phil pressed his palms into his eyes and pressed down. Stars danced across his vision like it was mimicking the night sky, and he let out another pitiful groan. “I’m so fucking bored.”

“Alright, so do something else then and stop sitting around on your ass,” Dan replied as though it was the simplest solution in the entire world. He went to pick up his DS again, but Phil stopped him with his words.

“No, like. I’m bored. With life.” Phil sighed, and he didn’t really think before he started to speak again. He had gotten a little better about speaking about his feelings, thanks to the endless prodding from Nate, but he was still pretty bad at it. Especially when it came to major life choices and not thinking it through before he suggested it. “I think I want to go back to school.”

Dan really did drop his DS then. It dropped to the floor with a thump as he sat up from the couch, staring at Phil with his mouth open in a gape. “Now hold on,” Dan said, his eyes blinking fast. “Let’s talk about this first so I can understand your sudden change of heart.”

Phil groaned and flung himself backwards on the couch, fully aware that he was throwing a temper tantrum. He didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t want to think about it. He just wanted to do. He was bored. So fucking bored that it made his head spin and his fingers tap rhythmically on the desk. Staying in the house during the day, just doing work and coming back home afterwards, was making him go insane.

He needed to do something.

“What is there to understand, Dan?” Phil asked, his voice pathetic and whiney like he was a god damn baby. “I’m so bored that I think I’m going to actually die. What else is there to think about?”

Dan bit his lip, looking concerned. Phil didn’t really understand why he was so concerned. Didn’t he want Phil to go back to school? To do something with his life? With the way that Dan was looking now, it seemed like he was more apprehensive than anything at this suggestion, and it made Phil’s heart sink. Phil’s shoulders began to sag with defeat and his chest caved in like he was trying to hide himself from the world. Dan saw this, shaking his head and scooting closer to him on the couch. “No, no! It’s not what you’re thinking,” Dan promised. He put an arm around Phil’s shoulders, and brought him closer so that he could place a chaste kiss on the side of Phil’s head.

Phil relaxed into him, because this was Dan and there was no way that Phil could just give up an offer of cuddling a literal giant teddy bear. He stayed silent as Dan continued, just drinking in his warmth and closing his eyes to try and calm himself down, to tell himself that Dan was here, of course he was going to be concerned about Phil. “So what aren’t I thinking of then?” Phil murmured, closing his eyes and soaking in the feel of being cuddled up close to Dan.

“Well,” Dan started. He picked up his hand and started to brush his fingers through Phil’s hair, just how Phil liked it. It was wonderful and made Phil’s head get off of the impending conversation just slightly. He always liked when people brushed their fingers through his hair, almost as though he were a cat. It made him feel calm. Loved, even. “I’m honestly just concerned about your mental stability at the moment. Not because I don’t think you can handle school or anything, but because I know you dropped out because you physically couldn’t handle it anymore. So I guess I just worry that you’ll join school again and then immediately feel pressured and overwhelmed again, which is something I don’t want for you. Does that make sense, or am I just an asshole?”

Phil chuckled, shaking his head. “You’re not an asshole, Dan,” he said warmly, and it was the truth. He could see where Dan was coming from with this. After all, Dan had seen Phil in probably every mood possible by now. He’d seen Phil when he’d given up. He’d seen Phil when he was angry. He’d seen Phil when he was broken beyond repair, and he’d seen Phil when he was baking five batches of cookies while dancing around the kitchen singing Japanese music at the top of his lungs. Phil had no doubt in his mind that Dan knew him better than he knew himself.

Which was why Phil was confident enough in their relationship to calmly tell Dan why he had to do this, why he had to go back to school. Not for anybody else, but for himself.

“I’ll be honest with you, Dan,” he began, taking his best friend’s free hand in his own. He started to play with Dan’s fingers, picking them up slightly and letting them slap back down onto his thigh. “At this point in my life, right now, I feel like I don’t enjoy anything anymore. Sure, that was the same as before and I know that. But while I felt like I had nothing to live for back then, I feel like I can… I don’t know, accomplish something now? Like maybe I can do something other than sitting around on my ass playing Mario Kart all day and working at a dumb pizza place. If I go to school, I think it’ll give me that drive to actually do something again, you know? Like maybe I can be an English professor someday and actually be happy with myself. Doesn’t that sound great?”

Dan was silent for a moment, which was disconcerting to Phil. He glanced over at Dan to find his friend grinning so largely that he couldn’t possibly speak, his entire face lit up like the sun. He surged forward suddenly, embracing Phil in a hug so tight that it knocked the breath out of him. “Fuck, I’m so proud of you,” Dan whispered in Phil’s ear, pressing a kiss to the side of his head. It felt weirdly intimate, but Phil didn’t mind. He rather liked it. “Two months ago, you never would have said something like this. And now you’re filled with hope and amazement and excitement about the future.”

Dan sighed and sat back, holding Phil at arms length. His eyes were golden honey on a bright day, and Phil mimicked his happy grin. “I’m so immensely proud of you, Phil. I don’t think you know just how much guts this took to finally try to start getting on your feet again. I support you wholeheartedly, and I’ll be there for you every step of the way no matter what, just as I always have been.”

Phil laughed, a giddy bubble escaping from his chest. “Thank you,” he murmured. “Admittedly, I’m scared. Really scared.” He looked away from Dan, staring at the ceiling instead and squinting like he was trying to find something on the white surface. “What if I see Nico there? Chandler? What if I have a break down? What if I end up not being able to do it? Because you’re right. I am screwed up. I do have a lot going on. There are probably going to be times I have a panic attack and won’t be able to finish homework due to that. I have full faith that’ll happen. But I can’t just give up due to some guy who made me love him more than I loved myself.” Phil paused and made eye contact with Dan, his gaze burning. “It’s about time I loved myself. It’s about time I stopped sulking around. I need to get out, Dan, and this is one of the first steps into having a better life.”

Dan was staring at Phil as though he had put the stars in the sky, his expression filled with awe. He was happy, so happy, that Phil almost thought he would just lean forward and kiss him or something. That was the kind of expression Dan was giving him, and it made Phil’s chest swell in a pleasant and excited way. Dan didn’t kiss him though, of course he didn’t, because they were best friends, but he did pick up Phil’s hand, entwining their fingers together. “I’m so fucking proud of you, jesus christ. But you’re wrong about this being the first step.” Phil cocked his head in confusion, and waited for Dan to go on. “The first step started as soon as Nico walked out of your life. You started to heal that same day. It may not have felt like it, but you started to do things that were the best for you, even if you may have chosen some coping mechanisms that weren't’t healthy.” Phil grimaced as he remembered Jace, how he’d cheated on him, how many people he’d slept with in such a short time frame. He wasn’t proud of that. “It’s been fucking hard, and it may not have felt like you were healing, but you were. You still are. And you’re doing better every day. Not everybody can do that but you did. Do you know how amazing that is?”

Phil beamed, and his eyes started to well up with tears despite himself. He was being a baby, but that was alright. He had no qualms with crying in front of Dan now. And he definitely wasn’t embarrassed to lurch forward to bury himself in Dan’s chest, using his warmth as comfort in this hard time. “I’m so scared,” Phil whispered into Dan’s chest.

A pair of warm arms encircled his waist and clutched him tightly to Dan’s body, almost like a shield. Phil felt protected just from the embrace, like nothing bad in the world could hurt him. “I know,” Dan whispered. “But you don’t have to do it alone. I’ll be by your side through it all.”

“Thank you,” Phil choked out. He suddenly couldn’t breathe, his throat all clogged up with cotton wool, tears leaking from his eyes. “I’m worried about if I see him. What would I do? I don’t… I don’t think I can see him again without having a meltdown again.”

“He can’t hurt you anymore,” Dan said protectively, tightening his arms even more around Phil’s waist. “You have a restraining order and you have me. I’ll punch him if he even steps within twenty feet of you.”

Phil barked out a laugh, one thick with tears and worry. “But you won’t be there the whole time I’m on campus. What if I see him during one of the times you can’t be there?”

Dan kissed the top of Phil’s head and rubbed the small of his back. “Then Louise and I will form our own mafia and skin him alive,” he joked, before turning serious. “For real, though. I won’t let anything happen to you. It he gets close to you then call the police. You can’t stop living your life in fear of him, you can’t let him control you. You’re stronger than him, you’re better than him, and you have wonderful friends who will beat his ass if he even tries to come close to you.” Dan reached up and grabbed Phil’s face in his hands, gently forcing Phil’s face up to make eye contact. He smiled warmly. “Seriously. I won’t let anything bad happen to you.”

There weren’t a lot of things that Phil believed in anymore. He didn’t believe in Santa Claus. He didn’t believe that each person only fell in love once. He didn’t believe that people deserved to go through the shit that he went through with Nico.

But for some reason, he found himself believing that he would be safe, that he could go back to school and steer clear from Nico. WIth Dan and Louise and all of his other friends sticking by his side, Phil felt like he could do anything in the world.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

[phanfictionawards]

Hello and welcome to the Phanfiction Awards!

What is this?

This is an awards ceremony for the best Phanfictions of 2018! You can nominate people/fics in the Google Form linked in each header for each set of categories. You can nominate as many or as few on that form, but please only nominate one person/fic per category! Then, on December 30, the nominations will close. YES, NOMINATING CLOSES TOMORROW!! On January 1, we’ll release a list of nominations (the top five for each category) with each fic linked. You’ll have a week to read them, and then voting will open on January 7 and remain open until January 31st. Then, on February 1, we’ll announce the top three winners from each category. If you’re still confused, check out our faq!

You do know phanficawards is still around, right?

Yes, we do. When we first started this a few weeks ago, we were under the impression that they weren’t going to do the awards this year, and that was our mistake. They are going ahead with the awards in the new year, but it’s a bit too late to back out of this now, as we’ve got many nominations, so we’re just going to plow forward and allow this to be a bit of a smaller awards just for this year. We won’t be doing this again unless the original group does officially step down.

What am I allowed to nominate?

You can only nominate one fic per category, and it must have been started in 2018, so as to prevent a fic from winning in multiple years. The ‘all-time best’ category and ‘fic completed in 2018′ categories are the only exceptions.

What efforts are you making to make this a fair contest?

You’re only allowed to nominate and/or vote once for each category, and the voting will be done on Google Forms to help keep us out of it as much as possible. A couple new things we’re implementing this year: Each fic is only eligible to win first place in one award. Nominations will remain the same, but if the same fic places first in multiple votes, it will only win first place in the one it won by the highest margin in. In the others, the second place winner will be bumped to first. Secondly, we are discouraging any form of self-promotion if you have been nominated as this can easily sway voting. A simple ‘hey guys! I was nominated for the phanfiction awards!’ will be fine, but a ‘hey guys! I was nominated for these awards on these fics and if you like those fics, maybe you can vote!’ can lead to a disqualification of those fics in the final results.

CATEGORIES

To nominate for each category, tap/click the bold/italic header and you’ll be led to the Google Form! NOMINATIONS CLOSE TOMORROW!! 

Best Overall

Best Author

Best Up and Coming Author (best author on the rise)

Best Undiscovered Author (best author who generally gets less than 30 notes on their works)

Best Ao3 Phanfic (best fic posted ONLY on Archive of our Own)

Best Tumblr Phanfic (best fic posted ONLY on Tumblr)

Best Collaboration (work between two or more authors)

All Time Favorite Phanfic (doesn’t have to be written in 2018!)

Best Fic of the Year (must be written in 2018)

Best by Trope/Genre

Best Angst

Best Fluff

Best Smut

Best Combination (angst, fluff, and smut)

Best AU (alternate universe)

Best Reality (real universe)

Best Slowburn (relationship took AGES to develop)

Best Crack (meme fic)

Best Crossover (one or more other fandoms ex. dnp meet yuri!! on ice)

Best Parent!Phan

Best Horror Fic

Best Hardcore Smut

Best Historical Fic

Best Outside POV

Best by Length/Status

Best Drabble (less than 1k words)

Best Oneshot (more than 1k words; posted all at once)

Best Chaptered (posted in chapters)

Best Long Fic (50k+ words)

Best WIP Started in 2018 (fic that hasn’t been completed)

Best Fic Completed in 2018 (doesn’t have to have been started in 2018)

Best by Miscellaneous

Most Unique Storyline

Most Unique Writing Style

Best Fic to Make you Smile

Best Fic to Make You Cry

Best Cliche Fic (best fic based on a cliche)

Most Memorable

Had you on the Edge of your Seat

[adorkablephil]

Adorkablephil’s Phanfic Award Nominations

I saw @snowbunnylester posted a list of her fics that had been nominated in the @phanficawards, so that her readers would have a sort of quick summary, rather than having to hunt through all the dozens of awards and potentially miss her nominations unintentionally. (See her post here, read her fics, and consider voting for them if you like them, because she is a wonderful writer.) I’m shy about doing this stuff, but she’s cool & she did it, so I’m going to be brave and do it, too.

I’m not going to say, “Hey, go vote for me!” because there are tons of amazing stories nominated in all categories and I believe you should vote for whichever story you like best, but if you are a particular fan of one of these stories of mine, I wanted to let you know where you can vote for it. And I just want to thank you all again to all of you who have encouraged and supported my writing!

So here are my fics that were nominated this year:

Best Characterization

Happily ever after - @adorkablephil (VOTE HERE)

Edge of Seat Award

Happily ever after - adorkablephil (VOTE HERE)

Emotional Wreck

Listen - adorkablephil (VOTE HERE)

Memorable Award

listen - adorkablephil (VOTE HERE)

Best Trope

Imaginary Friends - adorkablephil (VOTE HERE)

NOTE: Voting will be open until January 20th.

[auroraphilealis]

So apparently I’ve been nominated in the phanfiction awards 2016 this year! I’m so excited, I thought I’d make a post to let you guys know what I’m up for :D Just remember to vote for the fic that you think is the most deserving, because that’s what I’ll be doing <3

Cutely Cliche Award (Vote here)

Cafe Latte - @insanityplaysfics (tumblr)

Best of the Best AU (Vote here)

let me be your call boy - @embarrassing-myself& @insanityplaysfics (ao3)

Best LGBTAQ+ (Vote here)

Let Me Be Your Call Boy - @insanityplaysfics & @embarrassing-myself (tumblr, ao3)

Best Angst (Vote here)

Let Me Be Your Call Boy - @insanityplaysfics and @embarrassing-myself (tumblr, ao3)

Best Smut  (Vote here)

Let Me Be Your Call Boy - @embarrassing-myself and @insanityplaysfics (tumblr, ao3)

Mon Cœur S'ouvre à Ta Voix - @insanityplaysfics (tumblr)

Best Chaptered (Vote here)

Brick by brick - @insanityplaysfics & @embarrassing-myself (ao3)

The Summer - @insanityplaysfics & @phansdick (tumblr, ao3)

Best Collab (Vote here)

A Familiar Kind Of Love - @insanityplaysfics & @ineverhadmyinternetphase (tumblr)

Brick by Brick  - @insanityplaysfics & @embarrassing-myself (tumblr)

Let Me Be Your Call Boy - @insanityplaysfics & @embarrassing-myself (tumblr)

The Summer - @phansdick & @insanityplaysfics (tumblr)

And of course you can view all of the nominations here!

[alittledizzy]

anyway if you guys want something to do while dan and phil are still sleeping in and cooking curries and putting puzzles together, the @phanficawards is putting up nominations that effectively serve as crowdsourced rec lists 

or you could do what i’m doing and stare at the clock waiting for the minutes to pass until @waveydnp posts a new chapter 

[secretlywritingstories]

Trust Me, I’m Broken Too | Phan AU

Story summary: The Lesters – the royal family of his homeland – was nothing like Dan thought they would be. Well, the King was just as horrible as he had heard but the King’s brother’s son, who was third in line for the throne, was nothing like Dan thought he’d be. Dan had been adrift for three years going from one “place of employment” to another, only his life was seen as worthless and he was more property than an employee. He had never imagined he’s end up as the property of Prince Philip.

The Prince had no intention of ever taking on a personal servant, which was a fancy name to disguise the fact a law essentially enslaved people. Phil often had to do things he didn’t want to or risk being removed from the succession to the crown. If that happened, who knew who his tyrant of an uncle would pick as a successor? When pressured into the choosing, he’d wanted to go for the most innocent, young girl, but hard brown eyes caught his attention instead.

Genre: Fluff and angst

Warnings: Previous rape/non-con, enslavement, minor character death

Word count so far: 98.5k

Summary of the new chapter: Phil was not looking forward to telling his uncle that the marriage could not move forward but he had to whether he liked it or not. Meanwhile, Dan was worrying by himself in their chambers until someone came knocking.

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Chapter 18 | Chapter 19 | Chapter 20 | Chapter 21 | Chapter 22 | Chapter 23 | Chapter 24 (NEW)

You can vote for this for the @phanficawards until the 20th of January! See its nominations here!