#personalized video invitation
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FAMINE: That's one deep, dark nothing you've got there, Dean.
[youtube with closed captions]
dean and his father. dean and his family. dean and how bad it is.
(via @closetoyou1970)
#spn#vid#mind the warnings on this one for real#woe! fruit of my rewatch be upon ye.#pallas calls this my 'deangirl coming out vid' which honestly. true. but those who paid attention know i've always been a deangirl.#also. after this no more deanwinchester rilo kiley amvs I Pwomise#anyway. i'm not gonna give a full commentary here but a big reason why i chose this song is that the narrator#is essentially dismissing her own problems and instead watching the problems of someone else#and i kind of wanted to play with that theme. this is the parallels show so let's do some parallels. lots of things happen to characters#that are Like Dean somehow. either in personality or circumstance. that we know or can infer happen to him. but we don't see it bc it's#not sayable. not speakable. so like for an easy one. we see meg being tortured in caged heat. she also talks about apprenticing under#alastair just like dean. so i show her being tortured [in a way that is sexualized and demon-specific] and reacting how she does#because i invite the audience to imagine or interpret that this has also happened to dean at some point. we just don't see it#so there are many dean parallels in this video. some obvious. some subtle but textual. some products of my twisted mind. but that's the way#i am using them to make my argument.#oh also: dean voice sam's eyes going black is JUST like when he used to fight with dad and wouldn't listen to me when i told him not to.#i guess also the point is that because it's unsayable. dean can't say it. dean can't even acknowledge it. and so it bleeds through#into everything in his life#that's why it's important that the song narrator doesn't take her own problems seriously. dean doesn't either.
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I would adopt Jack Spicer. I would support his evil schemes specifically because they were his only form or regular socialization. I'd be like, "When are all of your little friends coming over?" and he would be like, "You mean my ENEMIES who I am trying to DESTROY!?" and I'd say, "Oh you're so imaginative sweetie 😊" and he'd say, "please stop letting my mortal enemies into my evil lair" and I'd be like "I made this zucchini bread for them, make sure you give it to them next time you see them" and he'd be like "okay" and then he would eat the entire zucchini bread by himself.
#but secretly i made two loafs of zucchini bread and I invited the xiaolin monks over to pick up the other one#and thus his evil schemes would be thwarted once again#ultimate goal is to get them to come over and play video games when they aren't battling for the fate of the world#i see several xiaolin showdowns in person and I keep pretending that I dont notice anything mystical or strange going on#just like#Wow you kids are so creative! It's so great to see Jackie outside getting some fresh air and exercise 🥰#anyways that's my fanfic for if jack Spicer had a parent who was invested in his interests and well-being#xiaolin showdown#my rambles
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Petition for Sebastian Stan to move back to Europe and make as many movies as possible there. Good God, man, you're good, Hollywood doesn't deserve you, escape from that hellhole and enjoy working on your art, the ones who really love cinema will appreciate it.
#why can't he be like Cillian who just goes back when Nolan calls him?#but normally lives away from Hollywood (and what it represents) making unforgettable stuff?#ugh#random#personal#my shitty English#Sebastian Stan#first time I'll skip every actors on actors video (even if they invite Saoirse)#what a bunch of cowards#they don't deserve to work the arts
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this sucks. this all fucking sucks. i wish my dad cared about me like he thinks he does, or like he wants me to think he does, or like he pretends he does. when it's not inconvenient, when he isn't forced to remember i'm trans/mentally ill/disabled/unemployed/unemployable/a Failed Citizen.
i wish anybody was treating it like a big deal that i traveled halfway across the country to spend time with them. it felt like a big deal to me.
#keeping it fun and funky fresh#personal#MY FAMILY#i was hoping this trip would like. help me smother my suicidality/depression/sense of worthlessness with a blanket of Familial Love#even if just temporarily#but instead i just feel like. oh. ok. i'm not anybody's priority huh. my dad would rather go to church alone than do an escape room w/ me#b/c he's So Over Masking#my little sister just Doesn't Feel Like driving into town more than one day this weekend#(should i like?? invite myself over to her place instead???)#i keep asking if we can play a game i brought (yazeba's b&b) and i did it once w/ my folks which was fun#but it's better with bigger groups and i keep being like Hey can we play? Or do this other fun thing all together?#and the answer keeps being No we're gonna go do other stuff; why don't you sit down on the couch & keep yourself occupied#and my dad WILL play video games with me but it feels brittle & tense & sharp any time there's a pause in the action#i'm rly glad i saw gramma & aunt lisa but otherwise like. fuck. i wish i hadn't come. how the fuck do i feel even lonelier here.
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I've been pushing myself to be more open about being trans and the positive and negative of it, not to prove that I am a person, but to show other trans people that they aren't alone. I owe my life, I think, to the trans people who have done this - gone into the nitty-gritty - and if I could do that even at a fraction of the effect, then my job is done. I don't exist to prove I am a human person and neither do you - you are already enough of a person.
#trans#transgender#lgbt#lgbtq#ftm#mtf#nonbinary#watching kat blaque's side channel video about lived experience and it's WEIRD because i was just thinking about that#like my last post about youth lib... i brought up a loved experience because i think it's relevant to what i was saying#it isn't about 'cis people should recognize trans people's personhood because of lived experience!' for me that isn't the point#when i share my transness i do it for other trans people first and foremost. i invite cis people to the table and i want them to join me#but i don't really expect it. i recognize that sharing my trans life doesn't interest random cis people and if they don't see...#...trans persons as people first then it would take a lot more than my own lived experience to change that#anyway. yeah. just reflecting on my hashtag online presence and being trans#this blog is perhaps the most open i have ever been (and will probably ever be) open about transness#i am a severely private person and the ONLY reason i am open is precisely for the reason i laid out in this post for *other* trans people
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one topic I find weirdly charming is stuff for kids that's basically specific to one place. when there's some obscure thing that pretty much everyone outside your country goes 'what?' and everyone in your country goes 'OH MY GOD THAT' when you mention it, that's the shit
#personal crap#you are not only invited but requested to put your country's examples of this :p#i don't mean shit like thomas the tank engine or asterix or tintin or moomins that get everywhere i mean very region specific shit#ofc this also excludes like 90% of american kid's stuff lmao#i mostly though of this because of a jj mccullough video where he went to chile#and one thing he got was a print of this famous cartoon character that chileans love but doesn’t exist outside chile#and bc of joel joking about being scared of bamse on an april fools stream#so when i went to malmö and saw a bamse painted on a wall i went oh shit#obviously as a brit i know tonnes of ours- mostly old animated shows like magic roundabout and wombles and clangers lol#though it's still wild to me how we share the first one with the french#sidenote but someone made a fascinating documentary on yt about the movie of that and how it became doogle#he discussed the whole history of it and even interviewed a bunch of the writers and animators it was really interesting
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The Spring semester has officially started, which means I am now fully preparing for my comps, a two-hour oral exam that I have to take in order to officially become a PhD candidate. I have to read ninety books by May, latest August : )
I’ve gotten started with the most exciting of my three reading lists: the Gothic!! Basically, my reading is going to be a journey of getting a comprehensive overview of all things 19th-century British/Victorian literature, 19th-century Latin American literature, and the Gothic. I’ve already gotten started with my first five books, but I thought the other day: I feel like video reviews of each book would be a fantastic way to remember the important information about each of the readings. Nothing crazy or long, just a 2-5 minute review of the book and why it’s important if you want to become a student of the literature.
Anyways, I like this idea a lot and I feel like sharing it on my old bookstagram or on TikTok would be a nice way to get a dopamine hit for the reviews — if anyone were to watch or react to my reviews, I know it would make reviewing the books all the more fun!
But . . . And this is a big but . . . Then that would mean that I’d be opening myself to being perceived. And that’s really embarrassing to me. Like, what if I make a video and nobody gives a fuck? That’s so embarrassing. What if I make a video and a student or someone in my program sees it? Mortifying. It really does seem fun and a small part of me really want to do it but man, oh man, would I be scared!!
#personal#i am still struggling to kill the part of me that cringes#in my little fantasy world I’d just upload videos regularly about my journey to becoming a phd candidate#and invite anybody who wants to learn more about vampires and ghosts and period romances to follow along and read with me!!!#or just enjoy the reviews : )#and the videos would be easy and low-key no bells or whistles but it would feel like a joy to post and share#and the sense that ANYONE was watching would also help keep me accountable with my reading schedule and not fall off the band wagon#that all said i probs wont do it bc I’m too afraid dude!! I don’t wanna be PERCEIVED
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I’m doing it again 👍
#always think abt that person who commented on my Kelly’s cabin epilogue video saying it’s not perfect without Sam…….#I failed you….. but Kelly’s cabin is a 2 bedroom house…. and even if there were 20 rooms he’s still not invited 💔
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Wish,,, people would stop coming into my room. And. Being loud.
#misc#it’s all ‘weh weh no one respects when I want to sleep’#except when I’m trying to sleep then it’s like an open invitation#I do my best to not make noise or talk or play videos until everyone is up#when I wake early#but if literally anyone else wakes early it’s all#oh let’s go say hi to the cat (sleeping in my bed) let’s say hi to the dogs (sleeping in my room)#and get them riled for a trip we’re not take for another two hours#let’s talk at full volume and yell#let’s have a three person conversation at full volume by my bed#it’s cool <3#let’s pick up the cat (from my bed) piss her off and then throw her back onto my bed#:////
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youtube
This rap that Hashiyan and Amatsuki covered of Fuck the PTA (the nashimoto ui song) still is so good. Some of the most rage I've felt in a nashimoto song (and vocaloid-sphere in general)
The instrumentation is also a cover since in the original Nashimoto song he didn't use any electronic sounds. I think covers that slightly twinge the genre of a song are interesting.
#me anytime i'm high: vocaloid autism lore activating#my friends know me by my long sitting sessions of dragging people to watch them with me.#if u invite you to show you songs personally i will create a curated video playlist of my favorites hhhh#vocaloid#nashimoto ui#kutabare no pta#nashimotop#Youtube
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apparently this is like the hottest take in the world but I think it's really rude to invite people to your wedding without a plus one like I gotta come by myself to watch you get married because I'm not already married. ok
#sounds like you can't afford to invite me period! rather than making a snobby ig video about how you've never met my date before and it's#yOuR dAy#idk why I'm phrasing this in the first person this is not happening to me right now#I just think people have gotten weirdly aggressive and hurtful about this on social media
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Dying to know how you all got into DSMP. Like I want you to be EXACT what is the first stream/video you watched, how did you find it, where were you at the time, what time of what year, any other relevant information bc it's fascinating
#look anika's talking!#mcyt#dsmp#dream smp#me personally my friend invited me to her house after school (9th grade) (February 2021) and she forced me to watch the Mexican Dream video#then she sent me the ev*nmcg*ming recap videos and wilbur's lmanberg playlist and told me to watch them#which i started a week or so later when i was home sick from school (February 20-something 2021)#first stream i watched live was tommy leaving prison after being killed and revived
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#personal#i miss having a best friend like it sounds so pathetic but there’s no other way to put it… i miss having someone to share an earbud w on the#bus and to go driving around town and picking up fast food w and someone to invite over to hang out and play video games and make art w and#spend the night and honestly just text back and forth w without restraint…#i literally have no one to hang out w for the whole summer like 😭 there’s my one roommate i’d feel comfortable w hanging out w one on one#but she’s in another state wrdhdjf and the other one lives really close to me and i love her too but our conversations without the other#roommate can feel so stilted sometimes 🙈#im sure i’ll meet up w her at some point this summer but i want to give it some time so i’ll actually have things to talk abt LOL#then there’s my old best friend who if i reached out to her im sure she’d find the time to hang out but she also hasn’t really reached out#to me since like november and there was like a solid three months where i would send her posts that reminded me of her and she never replied#to me so. i don’t know#we did end up running into each other on campus before spring break and she offered me a ride without prompting and we listened to into the#woods the way home and sang along and it was FUN it was good and we decided we should try to get back into the swing of things but then we.#did not so. yeah i don’t know! was it bc finals took over our lives or bc we really have moved onto separate paths who knows. anyway
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Another day of swifties being way too invested and over involved in Taylor’s life.
I have read a portion of Scott’s email but stopped reading halfway through. But from what I’m seeing online.. I mean is any of this new info? So the Swift family are total Capitalists (capital C)? We’ve known this for years. So Taylor’s parents may not have always had an amicable relationship - while on the verge of or going through a divorce. I mean we don’t need to know that (and shouldn’t??) but it’s hardly shocking. A parent feeling like their teenage kid doesn’t appreciate them or recognise all the things they do to support them - mindblowing.
Another day of overanalysing minuscule things Taylor has said, and changing the meaning of song lyrics to fit the current narrative - that Scott is an abusive father/husband. Apparently Tolerate It is about Scott now - funny how it was about Joe last week?? Maybe we just need to accept that we really have no clue what’s going on in Taylor’s life (and I feel more and more that the stuff we do know about Taylor is a very carefully crafted public persona - again not very shocking).
Honestly, the only thing that matters right now in the year 2023, Taylor stills has a very public and seemingly positive relationship with her father. Taylor is not a teenager anymore, she is a woman in her 30’s, she can decide if/how she continues to have a relationship with her parents. Scott - along with Andrea - constantly attend her shows, and the family were all at the Chiefs game just a few days ago. Whatever may have happened 20 years ago they at least have a somewhat amicable relationship now. Considering this is all in relation to a court case I’m going to hazard a guess that Taylor has known about these emails for a while- so clearly she’s not too angry at her Dad? If she (or Andrea) didn’t know, or are actually more resentful/angry then they’re willing to let us know - that’s fine, that’s their prerogative. Because it’s their family.
#taylor swift#Joe was right lmao#I dont mean Taylor was wrong#I just mean if I was in his position and my mega famous partner wanted to#become even more public and invite even more speculation and rumors into our lives#I would’ve dipped straight away#sorry but I could not cope with this#the fact that people think it’s ok to speculate and make multiple videos about Scott and Andrea’s personal life’s#just because they are Taylor’s PARENTS#that is astounding#and.. I have to say Taylor has actively been encouraging this#I mean it was fine when they were doing it to Joe so it’s fine that they do it to Andrea and Scott right??
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sam w/ a flamethrower is pretty fuckin cool actually
#mine#text#sam giddings#until dawn#WATCHING A BUNCH OF BETA UD STUFF RN. THANK YOU LAZYCOYOTE#im absolutely LIVING for the sam / emily interactions.... fave rn is when em said 'right back at ya lady' what is weong w/ her#also watched one from like 2010 and like... dont know who ANY of these people are but i think it wouldve been reaaaal interesting if the-#-person who was behind everything actually like. had the opportunity to KILL the friends#bc in the video i saw th e ''''''pyscho'''''' (sorry for using that word) killed this character named val#and she looked pretty dead 2 me#so them like. actually being able to KILL kill. is like... so interesting to me#plus it wouldve been a much better plot than the actual villain beinfg the w*ndigos#and who knnows maybe the person who invited everyone up to the mountain again (this version's josh) wasnt actually the killer?#maybe there was a legitimate other person on the mountain w/ them?#i suppose then it would take away what's so interesting and unique abt until dawn but... eh#id rather have that than what they did in the actual game. in terms of the w*ndigos i mean#anyway gonna watch a 40+ minute one now byyyye#my thoughts#my sam tag#my UD tag#UD
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.
#i've been in a manic state for over a month#haven't slept in my own bed for 30 days#was barely eating/sleeping the first half and now i'm eating/sleeping too much#i was even off twitter for two weeks which is so hilariously unlike me#said i was taking a gif hiatus because my brain was so unhealthy#then turned around and started making/posting MASS amounts of gifsets (published and drafted) for very little payoff#like. More often than i usually do to the point where i feel like it's overwhelming or annoying or looks desperate but hey maybe i am#for the serotonin#except nobody reblogs shit which. Well you know how that goes#it is what it is but it's also making me feel so so so low#but i can't stop either because it's the only thing keeping my brain off of everything#i also recorded that voiceover video of my gif process but i don't think i'm gonna post it because i hate my voice and my overall Being rn#and publishing something like that would be inviting literally anyone to have a negative thought or opinion of my voice or my personality#which is a big No Thank You atm#even tho i have nice followers i also have total dickwads waiting to jump me lately for the stupidest shit lol#so the timing is just bad bc everything else is bad my mental health is bad my self esteem is bad#my gifs and the engagement on them is pretty bad without me reblogging them 50 times myself but we ball#it's all just!!!! it all feels Bad i just want to feel sane lol
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