#perplexingluciddreams

[perplexingluciddreams]

Recently I have been trying to do small things I enjoy. Like sewing! I like mending. Here is some pictures. (ID in alt text)

^I started small because this is important safe hoodie that I love and need to not mess up. This worked well to start!

I can't put any more pictures because there's a limit to 10 pictures per post apparently (so I just chose most interesting ones) but I will update more !

I still need to do the other cuff, and bind the edges to stop more fraying and keep it lasting long as possible.

And even more small areas that are fragile and need reinforced.

[quivviae]

Ezra finally here

Always makes me think @perplexingluciddreams lmao

Might try get him if m can within 19 days..

[birdofmay]

I'm nonverbal and I don't like it when speaking people say nonverbal/nonspeaking to describe themselves.

Reblog if you're nonverbal/nonspeaking or minimally speaking and don't like it when speaking people say nonverbal/nonspeaking to describe themselves.

I want to show that it's a majority thing.

Tagging the first people I can think of to show them this post:

@perplexingluciddreams @five-thousand-loaves-of-bread @plural-autism @lunabrainbad @gwydion-aacblog

To speaking people: Keep in mind that many nonspeaking people aren't on any social media, so even 10 reblogs are a lot - we are a minority on here.

[clownrecess]

I has related question: do you know and if so are you willing to educate me on the difference between nonspeaking, nonverbal, and mute? and the respective "selective" variants of the three?

Nonverbal and nonspeaking have two different interpretations. Some people think of them as meaning the same thing, and others don't. I see both sides but personally do not like being called nonverbal very much because of this reason.

Nonverbal/nonspeaking are not umbrella terms, despite so many using it as such. Nonspeaking and nonverbal means always mute. It is not a word that can be used to describe a temporary experience. It is a word to describe the permanent or very long lasting state of a person.

Mute just simply means someone who cannot speak. Selectively mute means someone who is not fully mute, but goes mute in certain environments. I think it is important to note that the "selective" part of selectively mute does not mean "selects/chooses to be mute". It means goes mute in select situations. Some selectively mute people prefer "situational mutism" for this reason, to try and prevent that misunderstanding.

Semiverbal/semispeaking is also a permanent state, as nonverbal/nonspeaking is. Semiverbal/semispeaking is a term for a permanent state in which someone has an extremely difficult or restricted ability to use oral speech, and sometimes fully looses it.

Unreliably speaking is a term for people with apraxia, to describe their mouths not saying the words they want them to say. @perplexingluciddreams has explained the term in more detail though.

(tw! this next section has a mention of meltdowns)

Intermittently speaking is (I believe) a term to describe people who are primarily speaking but loose oral speech under severe stress like a meltdown.

[writerbeemedina]

October is a time to acknowledge many different things. One of those things is AAC Awareness Month!!

• AAC stands for Augmentative and Alternative Communication.

• AAC is any form of communication other than spoken words. This can take the form of a speech application on a device; the use of photographs or symbols; writing; drawing; sign language; etc.

• People who are mute, or find physical speech taxing or painful such as autistic people may depend on these alternative forms of communication. And that’s neat! 📱📖📝🤟

Above is my girl Cassandra, who will be a protagonist in a romantic short story collection I’ve been working on. She loves fantasy novels, true crime, and romance! 📚🔪💕More to come about her soon! I can’t wait for you to meet her when the WIP is ready!!

Special thanks to @perplexingluciddreams for helping bring her to life!!

[cherrywbb-art]

saw responses to comment about ice bear experience autism regression and want point toward more resource!

birdofmay, gwydion-aacblog, zebulontheplanet, nonspeakingkiku, five-thousand-loaves-of-bread all nonverbal/semiverbal resources that talk about experiences

p1xelp1c, perplexingluciddreams, bear-owo talk about autism/disability regression and experiences with

and lux experience with is

-verbality suffer much. most times brain thoughts is bits pieces of words, songs/sounds hear, colors, or images, so is much harder communicate, but picture base aac help.

-struggle with body signals more. need more prompt eat drink water shower go to bathroom take care of self.

-struggle with tasks more. shower tire out more, need help do laundry, make bed even worse.

-coordination hand strength get worse so struggle open things press buttons drink without straw carry food walk straight

hope this help!!

IT HELPS ALOT! 🌼

Thanks for the info, I gonna seperate a time to search and understand more, but for now I thank you for your help and time to explain to me! :]

[thatgaysh1t]

I was tagged by @goofy-from-mcdonalds

Rules: rules: tag 9 people you want to know better / catch up with and then answer these questions

(no I will not be tagging 9 people, take it up with my lawyer)

Last song: The Cult of Dionysus by The Orion Experience, wish I could tell you why

Last movie: After, that one I can explain

Currently watching: Derry girls, for emotional support

Currently reading: The Portrait of a Lady by Henry James, would recommend

Currently craving: Salted caramel chocolate brownie, which I had intended to bake but ran out of time

Tagging: @perplexingluciddreams @perplexingluciddreams

Anyone basically can feel free to respond or do this themselves it’s just a bit of fun 🙃

[perplexingluciddreams]

i find this (in different parts) in my phone notes, and still relate so i post all together now. i write a lot of fragments of things in my notes, then try and fit the puzzle together later. it doesn't always make exact sense, but my words is important to me even if they are not perfect or fully accurate. i still have to try. anyway, here:

i have this constant urge to write and get all my thoughts out, now that my brain seems to have unlocked the ability to communicate in my own words.

it can get so loud. i had periods like this as a kid too, sometimes, where i would just suddenly have access to words. and then they would slip through my fingers and disappear as soon as i tried to externalise any of it.

i just want to be able to tell people what it was like.

i still have days where there's no words, or they feel so far away.

when i just exist as myself in the world, words are barely relevant. my world is so sensory-based and rich in sensations that there's no point even trying to put words to it.

[perplexingluciddreams]

thing i write about brain and reality and unawareness, etc. - is very messy words just ramble. also mention phobia of things like bugs but think bugs is good to exist, just brain have bad paranoid thoughts from them.

very disjointed, hope make sense to someone 🤷🏻‍♂️:

reality distortion... ??

i don't "see" or "hear" things, just get so confused between what things i "see/hear" inside my head and what happens outside my head. like the wall that is supposed to separate the two is mesh instead of brick. i react outwardly to things that i only realise afterwards happen inside my head. (only realise AT ALL from other people look at me funny for laugh or make a noise or gesture or movement. before when have speech, even mouth scripts or say words. even sign language to thin air).

at home in my room there is not even the mesh filter there... because nobody else to give me a baseline for "normal" / "reality".

i have low awareness of my surroundings and would get often in danger from it (if i left the house). sometimes "wake up" and i just stand at some point between bedroom and bathroom and don't know or remember going there. almost relief that i can't leave house or go downstairs.

forget other people exist... sometimes forget i am real or don't feel real or don't know if i "make someone up" in my head, have to check phone contacts or social media or try to think of actual real people to compare. same with "make events up", but no way to really check that... except if it happen outside house then know afterwards is not happen in last 5 ish years at least. but things in past - memory is warped, cannot trust own brain for memory most of the time.

sometimes VERY paranoid about cameras and people watching. not as bad now homebound, but so so bad before when leave house for walks and school and especially with be alone in school, anyone could be watching!

see "bugs" out of corners of eye a lot, make full startle response and jump and heart race. imagine bugs crawl in orifices, get paranoid what if they are already inside me and try to get out and have to search body and touch to make sure. after there is ACTUAL bug or spider in room, have to check EVERYTHING, shoes clothes bottles drawers bedsheets. nothing feel clean all feel contaminated always imagine bugs go inside me. (this happen for long long time, long as i can remember but get worse with time i think).

when have moments of clarity can write things like this... is so important because next time this happen bad will search for words and not be able to find or explain to own brain. maybe not even remember i write this but maybe make a difference.

wrote this whole thing with brain think i am in ambulance?? and is like two different reality happen same time. sometimes i am just NOT HERE. like two places at once, one place in brain and one place physical. and both feel just as real 🤷🏻‍♂️.

often this "two places at once" thing happen really vivid with memories. and cannot even remember real age or year or order of life events. often think i am 6 or 8 or 11 or 12 or anything not 18. most often brain feel stuck at 10-12 ish age.

don't know where my mind ends and the real world starts

sometimes like another person talk to me in my head, say nice things and soothe and calm and help. give instructions on how to do a task or calm down or tell me to take it one step at a time. (used to think this was just my own thoughts, but now is definitely feel different somehow. like better words and grammar than me and more proper put together and slow and calm and even "sound" like different voice to mine, when "read aloud" in head. like is older girl/woman [maybe?] talk to me and help. and really feel like Not Me. but cannot find way to explain that).

she call me "good boy" even before i come out and know i am transsexual for sure. and say "well done" and use words and phrases i don't even think i KNOW, i learn words for this "person" sometimes. is so weird cannot explain. but is nice and help me. not afraid of it/her/whatever this is. used to talk me through tasks like toilet and shower sometimes. or just feel presence, or help "take control" of body and walk to quiet safe place at school. feel like is main reason i survive through school especially late primary early secondary.

sometimes find myself already outside bathroom door, didn't even know i need to go, but when i try i do have to and is main reason i avoid accidents when this happen. and feel like someone/something else just "take control" but in helpful nice way.

sometimes really feel like someone else is in my head too. or more than one.

maybe some things can be explain by "reflex" or "poor awareness" or "bad memory, just forget". but with how many examples i have from just "wake up" in place i don't remember go there... how many times i know i cannot do a thing and then suddenly find few hours later it is finished and only have vague "dream" memory of do it...

imaginations is stronger than memories.

[perplexingluciddreams]

Hi! I just wanted to say I love love your username!

Thank you so so much! Truthfully, I love my own username too 🥰

I am actually so excited to get this ask, because it is a great opportunity to explain the meaning behind it! It is a way that I came up with of describing how I experience the real world, every day.

Perplexing: because most things are utterly confusing and chaotic and nonsensical to me. Especially the behaviour and actions of other people around me.

Lucid Dreams: because I am in my own world, inside my head, in my bubble, and the "real world" seems to me to be just not quite real. Or perhaps not quite right. Too vivid and intense in some ways, too bleak and pale and grey in others. So it can feel like awake-dreaming, or a lucid dream! I also think in a way that connects memories and past experiences to everything I experience in the present, and my internal thoughts are so much "louder" and more present in my awareness than my physical surroundings, so I am always mentally skipping through time.

(ALSO, I just really wanted to use the word "perplexing" 😆! And I love that "perplexing" and "lucid" are semi-antonyms).

[perplexingluciddreams]

Welcome to my blog!

My name is Ezra but everyone calls me Ez :)

Most important stuff:

‼️ I have a lot of trouble with language. Have both receptive and expressive language delays. May word things poorly, may misunderstand/not understand things. Have social problems and struggle with interaction.

My writing on the internet is not indicative of my overall level of communication.

Please be patient with me!

Some facts about me:

🧩🌈 I have autism

💬 I am (fully) nonverbal

📱I am a full time AAC user (Grid 3 - Supercore 50)

♿️ I have other physical disabilities (severe ME/CFS, hypotonia, FND, suspected autistic catatonia)

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 My parents are my carers

🏳️‍⚧️ I am transsexual

Diagnosed with autism age 15. However, my autism was recognised by teachers and likely other adults at much younger age. Visibly autistic.

Fully nonverbal due to regression. Was semiverbal growing up (with unreliable speech- apraxia definition).

Not diagnosed with autism level because live in UK. Don't know what level or support needs I am considered, but need help with most bADLs and can't do any iADLs. Have continued (late) regression, still losing more skills.

I have restricted interests so only follow small amount of people and have a lot of tags blocked. If we interact regular basis, I consider same level as mutual! Just because don't follow, don't mean not like!

I try to tag things, but I get categories confused and sometimes it is a bit of a mess! Sorry, I try 🤷🏻‍♂️

Tagging system:

Personal tags:

#words from my head = Rambling, lighthearted, or short posts. Sometimes posts about my day-to-day life. Not serious topics or anything I spend a lot of time to write and edit.

#fragments of an idea = Rambling and disjointed posts, long or short, about any topics. Often have no flow and jump from one thing to the next. Usually just a first attempt at getting words out for one or more things, then there may be a more "put together" post in future.

#from the chaos of my mind = Complex, long, serious posts, with effort put into writing and editing them.

#ezra talk aac = any posts I write partly or fully with AAC, or about my personal AAC device/software. (AAC = Augmentative and Alternative Communication)

#snapshots of my life = My own pictures I take, some will have me/my face in them, some are just of things I do that I want to share.

#borrowing words = When I reblog something and relate, or the words match up with something I want to say, I am “borrowing words”.

#ezra watch = Posts about or relating to media I watch.

#ezra reads = Posts about things I read.

#ezra sews = Sewing and mending.

#ezra puzzles = Jigsaw puzzles.

#ill never get any sleep at this rate = Ongoing saga of posts, either about insomnia, or posted at a time when I really should be sleeping…

#reblog = Self explanatory, any reblogs.

#self reblog = When I reblog my own post with an addition. (If someone reblogs my post and then I reblog again to reply/add on, it will be tagged with both “reblog” and “self reblog”.)

#🍋 anon = Friend who sends asks :D

Other things I always tag:

#ask

#anon ask

#swearing

#long post

#very long post

#image

#gif

#video

#link

#described

#undescribed

#flash warning

My interests (some special interest, some short-term fixation):

Moomin

Sewing! (especially visible mending)

jigsaw puzzles 🧩

BBC Merlin

Buffy the Vampire Slayer + Angel: The Series (/Buffyverse)

Marvel Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Person of Interest (especially Root and Shaw)

Music (used to play clarinet, most important to me ever. But love all kinds music, especially right now metal!)

Languages (trying learning Swedish. Struggle but enjoy slow learning!)

Here is a post where I explain my journey with communication throughout my life:

Here is a post where I write about my experience with gender as a nonverbal autistic:

[quivviae]

@perplexingluciddreams Ezra Character n the game m play, 6 star (rarest kind of character, 3 star - 6 star). The Afflatus (kind of like “Element”) s also Star seen n second image . His attacks do Mental Damage (the alternative s Reality Damage)

Not released until May 9th… thought would be today, guess must wait mmhm

Unfortunately m haven’t been able do any the story n the whole game, m only do the battles, someday will definitely do tho

[perplexingluciddreams]

26th April:

If you’re interested in other people/want contact, how do you normally make contact with others? Do you stay where you are and hope that they approach you, or do you approach them? If you’re not interested in other people, do others respect and understand that? Were you negatively affected by the “autistics are very social actually and want friends, they just don’t know how to do that!” mentality?

I have very little genuine interest in people/interaction. I interact with people to get things I want or need, and otherwise am much happier with as little human contact as possible.

I have three friends that I’ve ever managed to make (and semi-keep). Two are from high school, one is from music things outside of school (who I barely talk to ever, but still consider a friend I suppose). I am very lucky to have these friends, and I enjoy writing letters/emails/text messages back and forth. However I must be completely honest when I say that in-person interaction just makes me incredibly anxious and overwhelmed and I can’t focus or process anything. So I don’t like to be around people in person. I can cope with being in the same room as one person for a limited amount of time, and even then I am exhausted, and it’s not always particularly enjoyable. I don’t want to ever offend people or make them think I don’t appreciate them by saying this, but this is the most honest answer I can give.

I don’t approach people to interact and I rarely ever have (unless my body was being particularly unruly and my outward behaviour made someone think I was interacting). A few of my earliest memories as a toddler are being completely baffled at adults or other kids suddenly talking to me or taking a toy from me to “play with me”. I just didn’t understand why they did that - I now think it’s probably because I may have outwardly looked as if I was trying to get someone’s attention or interact, which was not the case.

At school sometimes well-meaning people would see me sat in a nice, safe, quiet corner, and assume that because I was sitting alone with my head down, rocking, or waving a hand in front of my face, or running my hands through my hair with my head down and eyes closed, I must be upset or lonely. But unfortunately their decision to “stop me from being lonely”, just completely shattered my wee safe space that I’d created.

I was “adopted” into a group at some point, somehow. I didn’t mind it so much because it’s how I met my two friends, and it sometimes felt safer when I was not such an easy target for bullying, sitting alone. And that group didn’t seem to mind it when I sat with my headphones on and ignored them completely a good chunk of the time.

That’s the height of my socialisation, sitting in a group of people, completely ignoring them. And I would spend one-on-one time with each of my two friends, which I liked because it felt nice to have someone care about me - although those memories are tinged by the tremendous anxiety and upset I was feeling at my body doing and saying things I didn’t want it to. It seemed to be the worst around my friends, because I care about them and want them to like me and want them to care about me too. Which is a fairly strange feeling to me, I’m not used to feeling that. I only feel this towards these two specific people (I love you, thanks for being such wonderful loyal friends).

Most other people I’m either totally unaware of unless they directly get my attention, or I just don’t give two shits 😂.

Now that my interest in people has decreased even further (I think this is more a “growing up” thing than a regression thing, actually), I don’t want to spend in-person time with my friends, just interact online and through text communication (letters, emails, text messaging, etc.).

(Also, there is the pesky little detail of me being unaware of the passage of time... plus the fact that I regularly forget of people's existence unless I'm constantly reminded...)

[perplexingluciddreams]

So, I have spent most of today creating new Google and Microsoft accounts, because I want everything to be my own now that I'm 18. And also because my new communication device is Windows, so I want to have it set up by then.

I have hit a few bumps along the way, such as my phone number not allowing me to send or receive text messages (which made the "text verification" process very difficult in creating a new Google account - I had to use my Dad's number, and I will change that later once I have my new SIM card that has been ordered).

Also, YouTube doesn't allow you to change email or Google account. You must create a whole new account.

So this is a heads up for anyone subscribed to me - my new account is linked at the bottom of this post and the two videos I have made so far will be posted shortly.

I'm not deleting my current account just yet, I have some playlists to re-make on my new account (special interest playlists that would cause a very bad meltdown if I lost). And I will have to manually subscribe to all of the channels I follow already.

I will also transfer the videos before I delete the previous account, so they will never be unavailable.

It is a shame I have to do this but once I do it, it'll all be sorted and I won't have to change it again.

https://youtube.com/@perplexingluciddreams

^I know this shows up with a link to my Tumblr because of the shared username - instead of tapping you have to hold down and select "copy" (on Android). I think on iOS, you can just highlight the text and copy.

At least I now have the same username on all my social media! I like that it's all uniform.

[perplexingluciddreams]

30th April

If you’re interested in other people/want contact, did you try to make friends on your own when you were younger, or didn’t you initiate anything because you didn’t know what to do? If you’re not interested in other people, did/do you still enjoy online contact? If not, did/do people assume you’re lonely and try to interact with you all the time?

I’ve said before that I have limited interest in people. However, there are a handful of people who this doesn’t apply to (my few friends, my parents, my sister).

I rarely initiated any social interaction when I was younger, only a few times did I attempt it. Luckily for me, coincidence worked in my favour and lead me to meet my friends (I won’t name people but if you’re reading, you know who you are!).

In primary school I was awfully bullied and teased and I was being abused at that time also, so I was either terrified of people, or unaware/disinterested in them. I didn’t have any friends in primary school. There were a few people who took pity on me and tried to be kind a few times, but they all had their own groups and I was very much an outlier. I even went to the same dance class as a few of the girls in my class/year, and the parents shared car rides as we all lived close to each other. In the car and in the class they would almost completely ignore me.

I didn’t understand what friendship was when I was younger, it just seemed overwhelming and distressing to me. Anyone who even tried to converse with me, had to initiate it themselves and keep it going. I wasn’t really able to “keep a conversation going”, or understand “taking turns” in a conversation.

I enjoy online interaction very much! It helps me to process, understand, and form a reply in my own time, and this means that my replies over text messages are always what I want to say (as long as I have the words to say it - I still use a lot of scripts and my writing “blueprints”, and even more in the past).

I, of course, still struggle with interaction in any form, I struggle to understand other people’s emotions and reactions and so on. But online interactions have really helped me in understanding these things, and it has made me capable of being a bit of a better friend. I am still not the best (I forget dates of important things, forget that people exist, don’t usually initiate conversations even over text), but I’m always trying to be better and I appreciate the people who “put up with me” and are so patient and understanding.

[perplexingluciddreams]

25th April:

How did your gross motor skills develop? Did you walk early or did you struggle to walk (if you can walk)? Do you have a bad posture? This is another “open question”.

I didn’t crawl as a baby, just started pulling myself up on things to stand. Then started taking steps while holding onto stuff (furniture, etc.). I walked early at 10 months old, Mum says I only just got my first tooth and had very little fair hair, so I looked like a walking baby rather than a toddler 😂.

I of course don’t remember that, I only remember at a later age, struggling with things like climbing stairs, balancing, carrying things, throwing and catching a ball (I basically couldn’t do this at all). I have always had pretty poor coordination and balance, although this has worsened with my physical conditions.

I also have (mild) low muscle tone, so that makes being on my feet for a while really tiring (even before my physical disabilities), I get pain in the soles of my feet for example. I have always struggled to sit upright for long periods. Carrying things like a school bag was always hard. I had a very difficult time in PE at school. I am quite floppy (and flexible) in general. My muscle tone and hyper-mobility make standing and walking for long periods very challenging.

It took me a long time to learn certain gross motor skills (and some I never learnt). Others, I developed at a typical age, but then lost them partially or fully later on in various regressions.

I have very poor posture and got mocked a lot for it in school. Part of that is just abnormal posturing from autism and lack of awareness of my body, but part was the low muscle tone and general lack of motor skills. My gait pattern was also strange, even before my physical disabilities altered the way I walk. I used to take very short steps, with flat feet (not walking heel-toe), and my knees brushing/knocking against each other with every step. My arms would be held tight into my body, elbows digging into my waist and hands clasped or held in fists at my chest. My head was always down, watching my feet because I’m not aware of them. I often ran a hand along a wall or fence or bush, to help me walk in a straight line. I toe-walked on and off from a young age, but more at a later age (7 approximately and onwards).

I also struggled to run - my arms seemed to flail about and I often couldn’t get my legs to move smoothly enough to run properly. I could gallop pretty well, though! When I did manage to run somewhat “normally”, I would be so surprised that I would think too hard about it and then trip over my own feet. Falling was also a very very common occurrence 😂.

I remember being in ballet at approximately age 5, and not being able to “skip” (not with a skipping rope, just the skip-hop thing. Although I also couldn’t do a skipping rope very well). All the other kids could do it, and I just couldn’t figure out how to move my body like that.

Even once I learned a gross motor skill, I never felt like I mastered it. My body is just too unruly and unreliable for that. If I didn’t constantly practice a movement or skill, I would lose it and have to learn all over again.