#perhaps I delete this later

[wanderlust-in-my-soul]

I finally came to a realisation. I understand now, why I love those innocent highschool bls, like Bad Buddy, My School President, Light on Me, this much. And I guess also every other bl. It took me some time...years...and this will be a fucking deep dive into my own mind...I am thinking about writing it down for the last couple of hours, and after a long session of listening to "Down" by Jason Walker, I thought fuck it...if not here, then where?

I'll take MSP as an example. We witness a cute, innocent first love and how it starts and growth and how it becomes something really special and wonderful. How those two communicate with each other, understand each other, help each other in their own ways. I don't care that we had to wait for the first kiss for like forever, it made it special. And this was something I never had. The boys I liked, loved to mob me. I was told I am ugly and unlovable. So good first impression here. My real first partner was 15 years older. I don't care that much about age and age gaps in general, if it is a healthy relationship, but I came to the realisation, that I was robbed of that innocent first love, because the love for him made me grow up real fast and I had to deal with stuff you don't want to deal with in a first love story. I had to live with his immense jealousy and insecurities. He was jealous of everything and young me was obendient. From today's perspective, I hate the person I became when I was with him. I didn't have the shy cuddling and the innocent hand holding like Gun and Tinn, because he wanted a grown up relationship. And I wanted my first love to be like in the movies, with flowers and sunshine. Instead I got alcohol and jealousy...a really great combination.

I never was my true self with the partners I've been with, because from the very beginning I was trained to be a chameleon, adaptable to the moods of the men in my life. Perhaps this is the reason I am still single after my last toxic relationship ended years ago. I never listened to my self, I listened to the thoughts of my partners and how I have to behave; infront of them and infront of others (especially other men). I felt small and at some point non existing. And I never want to go back to this person and those feelings. I know, the question comes up, why did I not leave them sooner? Because I wanted their love. I needed it more than my pride and myself, because my self-confidence was so fucking low and I thought, if they love me, than I am really lovable, than I am a worthy person. So fuck all those Why didn't you leave! Because it is hard to understand you are hurting and giving up yourself and destroying yourself more and more, when you selfreflect through different eyes than yours.

And because I have never witnessed such a cute love like in MSP, I live through those moments of pure joy and can feel their happiness and this is more than I ever felt in my past relationships. And the fact it is a bl plays a big role for me. Because I can't and don't want to identify with the girls in most if these kind of love stories. Because I never had the chance to be that girl. So I take something that feels safe. Where the men are something I wish I could have had in my life. bl feels safe for my feelings to be true and validated, because I don't have to compete with the protagonist, I don't have to be jealous, I don't have to see my own flaws and the past I will never have. I can relax and enjoy a love story.

And in my heart I am still this young girl, wishing for a cuddly love, dipped in flowers and sunshine, but reality showed me in a cruel way, that my hand for men is really shitty and at some point I thought I'll never have such a relationship. I am still healing, not just from those realtionships, but other traumas thanks to men, but it takes time. My self-esteem could grow during the past years and I could heal some of those wounds and almost forgive myself for being the person I was. Right now it is enough for me to have those shows and this community ❤ If you read this far, my sincere thanks for listening.

So with the words of my new favorite song "Alive" by The Scarlet Opera, I say The whole world is watching, but nobody cares. Do what you want baby, get what you can. Life keeps rolling (so) Keep the party alive.

[ariiadnes]

ㅤ╭ ⿻ ･ of ghosts & coincidences

-ˋ ♡ ◞ simon riley. call of duty. a family fic with simon riley ? real and not delusional at all

simon riley doesn't like public spaces-- too crowded, yet somehow too open all the same. unpredictable. it leaves you too vulnerable, leaves you dead center in the hands of danger. how deeply it keeps him on edge, jaw clenched, gaze hardened towards everyone except you. never you.

he's used to staying by your side, soldier turned shadow-- silent. observing. always looking for a means of escape in a moment's notice, should the need ever arise.

has he learned to lower his guard over the years? no, not in the slightest sense. quite the opposite, he thinks, and he'll admit it in a heartbeat.

things have changed. more to take care of, more to protect. now, you've got a little one-- she's the spitting image of him, as difficult as that is for him to comprehend at times. she's very much entirely the opposite of him in terms of personality : shy, reserved in every sense. he doesn't quite get it, doesn't quite feel like he knows how to be a dad, but time after time these past two years, you've always told him otherwise.

he can't help but dwell-- it's only for a second, but the thought is disrupted by a weak squeeze of his hand. he looks down, greeted by curious eyes that look so damn similar to his, and instinctively, his gaze softens. he reciprocates the gesture-- a silent comfort to his daughter as she crinkles her nose in response, a timid smile on her face.

yes, things have changed. him, his protectiveness. his kindness.

ー the only thing that hasn't changed? his distaste for shopping trips, as mundane as they may be at times. but mundane is good; mundane is safe-- although he wouldn't describe this particular trip as such. not necessarily, and for a few good reasons :

one : you've gone entirely off course with the shopping list. he has no idea how you've all been here for an hour when the list had three items ( you also grabbed those items within the first ten minutes of arrival, by the way ). so while he's not really sure what you're buying, he's also very much okay with staying in his lane and not questioning it.

two : it's... july, isn't it? he stares blankly at the shelves before him.

it is july. there are halloween items on display. he shouldn't care much about it, and he doesn't, not at all, until--

three : until the little kiddo lets go of his hand, eyes wide and absolutely mesmerized at the sight of the outrageously out-of-season decor. her gaze shifts as she looks up at him, bottom lip jutting out the tiniest little bit.

christ. he can see it from a mile away-- that subtle hint of puppy eyes that she seemed to inherit from you ( and was purposely taught by johnny. damn bastard ).

"...go on." he tells her, and so she gingerly explores the aisle, never daring to stray too far from either of you, though you're only a few feet away at the most.

you stand side by side, watching her diligently inspect each item on the shelves. it's sudden-- the way she halts in her steps, that soft gasp just barely heard before her little hands reach for something. you can't quite make out what it is, nor have you seen her move that quickly before-- not even when she rushes into your bedroom during a loud thunderstorm. she clutches onto it for dear life, hugging it tightly to her chest before she runs back to you and simon.

"look!" she beams brightly, proudly holding up...a toy?

okay. cool. you tilt your head slightly. a white blob...shape. thing. whatever. okay. but then she actually turns it around, and ah-- it has a face.

oh. a ghost. a cute, little ghost plushie.

dead silence.

you purse your lips tightly, desperately trying to force back a smile ( and failing ) as you look down at your shoes, suddenly immensely interested in them. you clear your throat, albeit a little dramatically before making eye contact with him, and though anyone else would see a lack of emotion in those eyes, you can see both resignation and confusion in them. it's a moment of silent communication between you two with many, many unspoken questions.

because you have never referred to him as 'ghost', nor have either of you talked about his military service in front of her before. for the sake of everyone's safety, that's a conversation for later down the road. the less she knows, the better.

ー so he doesn't know if this is some strange coincidence or not, because how the hell does his two year old daughter with no prior history of liking anything even remotely related to halloween suddenly get attached to a ghost plush? either way, he's got a headache now.

you focus on your daughter, amusement still very much on your visage.

"whatcha got there, baby?"

you're not sure what answer to expect. you're not sure what to expect at all from this situation, truthfully. her brows furrow as she puts deep consideration into her answer.

"...ghostie."

you almost wonder if this is a fever dream. if this was a television show, you would imagine they'd put crickets chirping in the background. you can feel simon's soul shrivel up and wither away.

"...fucking hell." he mumbles, and you can't help but laugh, gently ruffling her hair.

( yes, you do take ghostie home. no, simon doesn't understand the attachment. and yes, maybe he does take a little bit of pride in knowing that somehow, she was instinctively drawn to something that represents her dad. even if it is a... cute ghost plushie.

he'll make do, he supposes. he'll make do. )

[yandere-daydreams]

black butler and homestuck are trending on the same day i have to edit my college-necessitated research paper on harry potter. what fucking year even is it anymore.

[turnipoddity]

my friend practically DRAGGED me into watching transformers one and i was like FINE. you owe me one. I’ll give this a chance

my eyes are opened. I cant believe it. I guess i am transformed. It’s peak

[deprivedmusicaljunkie]

OKAY BUT consider a victorian era au where ahb is an irish aristocrat quoting a modest proposal to verbally spar with the english at one of their balls during the irish potato famine

[stil-lindigo]

" Is it alright to cling to you? To invent meaning where it is absent? I fear my words won’t grow up with me, still scuffing their knees on cement. I can welcome a lie when it's blinding, But I can’t write like a poet while blinking. I can’t draw like an artist without hiding. I can’t live right now without thinking. "

-words, by me.

[neutron-stars-collision]

I think Luke liking posts like that tells us all we need to know.

Saying stuff like: “He squandered his one chance at being a lead” and “He should hustle more otherwise he’s done” isn’t kind. It doesn’t help, other than make things worse.

I know that haters won’t care but kindness doesn’t cost a thing. And it should be given freely, no matter what your opinion is on someone else’s career.

[vacantgodling]

✨preferences should not be standards for writing advice✨

[cinnamonrollls]

[getyinyusedtoit]

i hope that before i die i get to see the downfall of the internet calling the world's thinnest, flattest 2d men "caked up".

[aastarions]

i cannot believe that since i posted the last chapter of my zhongli multichap (in july 2022) right

ive gotten engaged

ive gotten married

AND

ive gotten pregnant 🧍🏼‍♀️

specifically pregnant with identical twins 🧍🏼‍♀️🧍🏼‍♀️

[yonch]

ok im going to be honest about it on tumblr dot com i've been writing this fic. this is me. i havent posted any of the other three chapters on tumblr so sorry if youve never even seen this and youre like "wow that's chapter 4 why is he posting chapter 4." if youre one of those people. consider reading. the previous chapters. and tell me your thoughts. thank you for your time.

this is a two hat fic. please mind the warnings.

[wazzappp]

Was talking about 'a court of thorns and roses' with a coworker (haven't read the books but I respect the fairy porn as much as I respect any other porn which is a decent amount) but I screwed up and said 'a thort of corns and roses'.

So now im stuck imagining a world thats mostly similar except the main lady is a farmer tending to her cornfield and has to fight off hordes of faries who ravenously desire corn but can't grow it so they have to steal it. Also the main girl has a lisp so she calls her 'fort' a 'thort'.

[n4rval]

what if i wrote a dr wingdings gaster so real and so convincing it became impossible to see him as anything else and made tobias "radiation" fox come into my dms asking me to cease my activities immediately because im ruining the mystery

[mrsoharaa]

Sugu’s darling angel 🖤

[babacontainsmultitudes]

@dndadscharacterpolls *sweats nervously* guys if either Nick or Grant make it to the next round I'll compile the "every Anthony 'wow' compilation" sjsjjsksks and I made the "heh" compilation so you know I'm serious so say yes to good friendly voter fraud on silly character polls and support my boys please and thank you!