#people say its because of algorithm but almost every artist thats good enough are able to post and always get a good reach

[koko2unite]

[seouliloquy]

I am a complete disastrous wreck

I have been so depressed and so anxious and so apathetic, hypersensitive, easily irritated and downright miserable all at the same time for weeks now

My school has failed at helping me find a tutor for algorithms and seemed to given up trying at all since i havent heard from the education and learning center for two weeks now, despite them making false promises to get in touch with me soon about a solution to my problem.

I have skipped more classes this semester than ever on the excuse that i was not to be bothered to leave my room and needed a mental health day - which ends up being an even more miserable say because i feel guilt and shame and get even more nothing done than if i had been busy in classes. Othertimes i would skip so i could study for a test or take some time to actually be productive or get errands done that desperately need to be done during the day time that i dont have time to do.

I even called off work around 3 times.

I go to soccer to put off reality even more. I tell myself its because i’m a dedicated member of the team, because i need to social interaction, because it’s exercise and good for my health...but after practices i’m hardly feeling any better. I was coerced into playing goalkeeper in the freezing snow at the last and biggest most important tournament (all the more reason for me to be goalkeeper instead of anyone else because no one else can do it decently but me and i’m obviously not good enough to trust on the field so id i hadnt played keeper i likely would have barelt played at all and either way i felt like i wasted my entire weekend. In goal i hardly do much moving. They never take time to help me warm up. It was snowing and i’m standing there with 4 layers on still freezing my ass off and my toes completely numb and against Yonsei, the most important game, the 3 times i had to move at all i fucked up and let a goal in, letting us lose AGAIN and i know everyone blames me. Yeah i’m the better choice to do it but compared to the other teams goalkeepers i’m complete shit.

Whats the point of playing and doing something i’m supposed to love if doing it constantly makes me feel guilty and inadequate. I’m not skilled enough, i’m not fast enough, i still can’t fucking cross the ball and i still cant fogure out how the others who can do things well are so good at what they do despite the fact that i have 10 years of experience over everyone else...

Really the only reason i’d been going to soccer was just to escape from everything and avoid my other stressors because its all too much. I didnt have to think about algorithms or syntax or paying the tuition and rent bills or being lonely and unloveable.

I tell myself i go to the gym so i can have me time, to work on improving myself. Work towards getting the body that i want so i can feel more confident in my own skin. Work towards being stronger and faster so i can be a better athlete. Have a healthy routine so i dont develop athritis yet and have some stability to hopefully prevent flare ups.

Again, its jist another way to procrastinate. And even then i procrastinate or neglect going to the gym sometimes too. I survive off the temporary adrenaline high from cardio that tricks me into believing i’m okay when i’m really not.

Then i leave and i realize i could have spent that time getting extra sleep i need because my sleep lately is so poor and i never wake up feeling rested. If i didnt want to sleep then i should have gotten up and completed that homework assignment early or caught up on some studying that i desperately need to do.

Now with final exams looming over my head only two weeks away and i’m out of passes to skip class and i cant afford to cut my work hours anymore i’m stuck witg super limited studying time and no room to give and no motivatiom or energy to study when i should.

When i do sit and study, i cant concentrate. Nothing is retained in my memory. I struggle to understand things or comprehend a single paragraph of text and i fall asleep at my desk constantly or purposely distract myself with other things.

I’m gonna make a plan.

I’m gonna balance my budget.

Do laundry.

Clean my side of the room.

Organize my sock drawer.

Count my spare change.

Do some basic low-budget meal prep and pretend i’m actually going to eat less calories and eat less bad foods and treat my body like the temple that it is and feed it only the good stuff! Lies, she said, as she forgets about the container of a single overpriced cucumber in the fridge that cost 2$ and eats .80 cent ramyun noodles instead.

I keep forgetting to take my medicine - including my birth control- which i take for its contraceptive effects (like i could actually believe i’d be having sex anytime soon but at least i’m safe if i get raped because thats what i’m supposed to do, right? Be prepared for the worst) but i also take it to regulate my periods but i’m under so much stress and keep missing my pills thay my period is fucked up and my hormones are out of whack too only exacerbating my depression amd anxiett tenfold.

I have a fear of abandonment but i avoid getting too close to people because i know they are just going to leave me anyways. No, not leave. Forger me, dump me, use and dispose of me after my purpose is served.

I want so desperately to be the alpha female. To actually have my shit together and not merely seem like i do all the time. I want control of my life. I want to have less intense feelings about everything. I want to be invincible, admired and awed. Respected.

But what do i do to get that?

I’m mediocre at everything.

I dont have any special hidden talent. No one says, “oh you should talk to Lilo about that, she’s really good at that thing!”

I am a shoddy student and a shoddy musician and a shoddy artist and a shoddy athlete and a a shoddy cook and a shoddy friend (cause if i were anyone’s first choice they’d call me first for once)

I have no money, no academic merit or special skill set.

I’m completelt useless.

And i’m not pretty. I could get away witg being all of the above things if i were at least just pretty and still have a chance with society- getting a decent job, getting opportunities, being loved by someone else who isnt family....

In my current circumstances, how on earth is ir even possible for me to just “be happy” and “find happiness from within”

Being grateful for what i’m able to do doesnt help me feel better. It doesnt put things in perspective. I makes me hate this world even more that there even has to be people more worse off than me out there. I cant handle the cruelness and unfairness and superificiality of this world and all the people in it.

My body knows i’m not okay. My digestion is weird. My sleep and dreams arw wwird. My skin breaks out and i got hives on my hands and sores in my mouth from stress. I cry almost every day and spend the day with a tension headache from fighting the tears so i can appear “normal” in public because i’m embarassed and when anyone looks at me i want to scream at them and say “what daduq are you looking at, punk?” But i dont becauasw thats dangeous.

I’m just so sick and tired of everything and i’m tired of pretending. I’m tired of explaining myself because i’m not like my “normal” self. Where actually my real self is constantly screamig from inside my head and inside my chest to be let out like a child victim of abuse.