#people just casually talking about Kama sutra

[clownaddict]

Normally when a show warns you about nudity, they only mean “hey there are going to be tits”

However, “Blue eyed samurai” doesn’t shy away from showing a COPIOUS amounts of dick. Like- there are so many dicks on screen at some parts it’s hard to not look at one

Also a white colonizer getting fucked in the ass by a tengu mask??????

[ghulehunknown]

Papa Headcanons - Positions

(Warning - NSFW!)

{Thank you BugBiteWrites on AO3 for the inspiration!}

The Papas love to fuck! But Lucifer knows they have their own style… (my HCs of the Papas’ favorite sex positions and other sex preference HCs)

Primo

Loves cowgirl - he’s old and kinda frail (but still surprisingly strong somehow), so this is the most comfy for him

Has a strong grip on your hips as he helps you grind on his lap

Spooning - wants to lay on his side and slowly fuck you before bedtime

Very into cockwarming. Wants you to sit in his lap and will calmly scold you if you disobey and try to fuck him (“Now caro/cara we talked about this, mm?”)

Content not to orgasm himself, and takes pleasure in teasing you or getting you off

Takes his time with foreplay, knowing your orgasm will be much more powerful that way

Definitely a pleasure dom

Secondo

Fucks you from behind so he can push your head into the mattress and use your body as an anchor

Also into cockwarming (as a punishment) and will leave you high and dry in the room if you disobey him by trying to fuck him

Loves throatfucking you

Loves cowgirl but will pummel you from below

Mostly a dom. Once in a blue moon he likes to be commanded

Total brat tamer, but don’t test him because he’s not afraid to forgo his own pleasure to teach you a lesson

Loves edging you with a vibrator or his hand, laying on the bed with your back against his chest while he reaches around to your front

Most of the foreplay happens in his lap, with his hands exploring all over you

Will overstimulate you because he loves watching you squirm and be powerless

Takes aftercare very seriously if he fucked you rough, or if you just look like you need it

Terzo

Doggystyle - wants to see your ass in the air so he can spank it and watch it jiggle

Also wants to get pegged or topped in doggystyle

Any position where he can go deeper and feel bigger

Spooning for when he’s lazy so he can reach around to your front and stimulate you further

Avoids face-to-face positions in his casual encounters because he has a fear of intimacy and that feels way too personal

When he’s in love, however, he wants to face you so he can watch your body react to him. He’ll watch your face contort in passion, getting off on just how good he can make you feel and he’ll study your body’s reactions so he knows just what to do to get you off

Likes to switch positions a lot to keep things spicy

Making sure you cum together is a goal of his

Not a brat tamer because he IS a brat

Very into trying new and complicated sex positions; has several copies of the Kama Sutra

Copia

Laying on your sides facing each other so he can look into your eyes and whisper sweet nothings to you

LOVES missionary; he doesn’t care if people think it’s overrated

He just wants to look you in the eyes when you cum

Definitely cries after sex

Whiny and needy; wants to be held and comforted and likes having his hair stroked while laying against your chest

Prefers to only have sex with someone he cares about but he’s had a couple of flings before

Says “I love you” when he cums

Wants you to eat his ass from behind so he can feel vulnerable and exposed, knowing you’ll take good care of him

Always wants snacks after fucking and chugs a whole glass of water or a Juicy Juice box immediately after. In fact, he usually leaves water on his nightstand for this (he chugs water after masturbating too)

Nihil

Car sex - let’s face it, he’s had a lot of practice back in the day

Whatever it is, he wants it to be rough and quick

Usually fucks against something - wall, desk, couch, …toilet (he’s definitely fucked while on the toilet - don’t lie, you’ve seen the photo, you were thinking it too)

Likes reverse cowgirl so he can see your ass jiggle

Likes motorboating

[endwithajadestrick]

Who Is Fucking In Star Wars? A Non-Comprehensive List

So in honor(?) of the DDoS attack on Ao3 preventing us all from mainlining slash fic, I've decided to go horny on main and list off my opinion about 3 traits of all Star Wars characters. Our beloved Galaxy Far Far Away is a usually (tragically) chaste place, which may lead us to ponder about our faves:

Do they even know what sex is?

Have they ever actually HAD sex?

Are they any good at it?

We will not be including characters who are minors in this list. Obviously. Judgements are based somewhat on the lore, but really more on vibes. Perhaps it goes without saying, this will be lightly NSFW.

This is probably gonna take a while and stop feeling like a good idea halfway through. Which of your exes does that describe? Let's Go!!!

Starting with the big three:

Han Solo

Always begin with an easy one.

Does he even know what sex is? Yes, unlike a surprising number of people in this galaxy, Han knows how to do the do.

Has he ever had sex before? Sure (but not as often as he wants you to think). Do you, uh . . . maybe wanna get out of here and come back to his ship? She's called the Millenium Falcon.

Is he good at sex? Look. It's not going to be good the first time. He's gonna keep insisting that he "knows what he's doing," but you wish he would just let you explain what you like. He needs to be girlbossed around a little bit. And it is mostly girls for him, though the occasional guy and non-binary being has mounted that loading ramp too. His bedroom does smell kind of funny.

Luke Skywalker

This one may be controversial for some people.

Does he know what sex is? Nope. Farm boy didn't go to schmool. Skool? Am I saying that right? There were no copies of Our Bodies, Our Selves lying around the rebellion base, and you better believe the Sacred Jedi Texts did not include some kind of version of the Space Kama Sutra. Han wasn't gonna draw him a diagram either; that would be too embarrassing. This man is not learned in the pleasures of the flesh.

Has he ever had sex? Also no. He got into some light over-the-clothes action with Biggs Darklighter when they were teens, but nothing ever went any farther than that.

Is he good at sex? I'm sure a real earnest effort would be made, but we'll never know, will we. Because he DOES NOT KNOW what sex is.

Princess/General Leia Organa

Does she even know what sex is? Oh, absolutely. This woman was treated to an actual formal education. She probably even got a nice, progressive version of SexEd that talked about pleasure and consent and not just all the weird diseases you could get--assuming the Empire didn't nix that sort of thing on Alderaan, which, honestly, they might have.

Has she ever had sex? Of course. And despite being a princess, she's not that precious about courtship either. Casual flings are totally fine and normal.

Is she good at sex? Leia is mature but, like her hairstyles, can be a little tightly wound. Once you get over any initial awkwardness, though, it's sure to be a fun flirty time.

And this is Star Wars, so sooner or later we have to address--

Chewbacca

--the aliens of it all. Welcome, monster fuckers! It's not even weird in this universe!

Does he know what sex is? Chewy is canonically 234 years old as of TLJ, so I'm going to give this a definite yes. Also, he hangs out with Han Solo and all the doors in this universe appear to be panel-controlled. There are no door knobs to stick a sock on; he's SEEN some things.

Has he ever had sex? Again, 234 years old, and Chewy has never seemed like a wallflower. This is also a yes.

Is he good at it? Maz Kanata seems to think so? I don't pretend I have the predilections/imagination to get the appeal (though I honor those that do), but I'm gonna take a swing and say, yes, Chewbacca is a good lover. Solid stamina, surprisingly tender after-care.

Lando Calrissian

Does he know what sex is? Yes, and not just on a mechanical level. If anyone in this universe HAS read the Space Kama Sutra, it's Lando.

Has he ever had sex? He has. And he doesn't keep a list of all his past sexual partners because that would be crass. But he COULD tell you about each of them, names, dates, locations. But he won't. But he could.

Is he good at it? Surprisingly, yes! He may come across as a guy who is all talk, but Lando is an artist at heart and the democratically elected President of Consent. He has mood lighting set up and a tastefully curated playlist. The atmosphere is fun, the oral is enthusiastic. When you're done--wow!--there's a mini bar right near the bed. And would you like to borrow a silk robe?

Your magical evening will not prevent him from cheating you at cards later, though.

Obi-Wan Kenobi

Does he know what sex is? No. He learned once, but has since memory-holed the information. Otherwise he might accidentally experience some pleasure from the stick up his bum.

Has he ever had sex? Many beings have made valiant efforts to claim this beautiful man as a conquest. All have failed, but there was much exquisite yearning along the way.

Is he good at it? Hypothetically? Alas, my heart wants to say yes, but my head says no.

Padmé Amidala

Does she know what sex is? Look at this dress. This dress is a CHOICE, a ruthless tactical decision made by someone who definitely knows what sex is.

Has she ever had sex? Yes, but her taste in men--oh, honey.

Is she good at it? A pillow princess if there ever was one. You will be doing all the work.

Anakin Skywalker

Does he know what sex is? No.

Has he ever had sex? Yes.

Is he good at it? . . . and I know those answers seem contradictory, but it's true. This is a man who has had normal, consensual adult sex. However, baby boy's brain is full of more holes than a colander. He is dummy thick actually in the head region. He is incapable of retaining complex thoughts such as the nuances of sexuality.

That said, he is a creature of pure instinct and, like, yeah, the lovemaking is pretty hot.

Mace Windu

Does he know what sex is? Yes.

Has he ever had sex? No.

Is he good at it? If it ever happened, which it won't? No, and Mace is possibly the only Sammy J character for whom this holds true. It would be strictly procreative missionary. No fun allowed.

Yoda

Does he know what sex is? Yes, he is aware. Knowledge is this little frog man's burden; Yoda is too in touch with the Force, the life energy of the universe, not to know. He WOULD not know if he could, but he has had to settle for just ignoring the information.

Has he ever had sex? You know I am genuinely stumped on this one. On one hand, he is the perfect ascetic Jedi sage. On the other hand, a nine hundred year lifespan is a long time . . . anything could have happened to this lilliputian enigma.

Is he good at it? Size matters not.

The Mandalorian

Yeah I know his name is "Din Djarin." Shush.

Does he know what sex is? I'm pretty sure this guy thinks that babies are found, not made. He does not know what sex is.

Has he ever had sex? I don't care what season one implied about Mando and that toothsome twi'lek, it's never happened. The helmet doesn't come off and the trousers don't drop.

Is he good at it? And here's the tragedy of it all, right? Because we know that underneath that impenetrable layer of beskar lies such a man. I don't even care if he's an ace, as seems plausible. Just the chance to look him in the eye would mean worlds.

Finn

Does he know what sex is? Negative, Ghost Rider. It's not something the First Order teaches their child soldiers, and the Resistance, like the rebellion of old, has bigger fish to fry. Poe wants to explain it to him, but feels like he has a dog in that race and it wouldn't be right.

Has he ever had sex? Men, women, and other beings are lining up around the corner for a shot at this man, but he only has eyes for one woman, and she in turn may be legitimately the only person in the galaxy who does not pine for him. Hang in there, Finn! Maybe one day she'll become emotionally available.

Is he good at it? While we have seen Finn makes some selfish moves along his journey--mainly because of, y'know, all the trauma--he has done a lot of growing and is an essentially generous spirit. This gets a yes.

Rey Skywalker

Does she know what sex is? Not in either The Force Awakens or The Last Jedi, but before Rise of Skywalker Leia explained it to her. She's the future of the Jedi after all, and this is basic stuff, goddammit Luke!

Has she ever had sex? Hmm, what's that? Sorry, she's super busy right now with, like, destiny and stuff.

Is she good at it? Rey seems to pick most things up fairly quickly, so you have to imagine that would hold true for l'amour as well, except that she'll also be a bit of a try-hard. Do less, sweety. Really, it's fine.

Lightning Round

Asajj Ventress

Yes, yes, and it depends on the answer to one question: do you enjoy pain?

L3-37

It Works.

Cinta Kaz

Yes, yes, and not just good but so good it will politically radicalize you.

Karis Nemik

No, which is a shame because you know that he would have made sex-positive feminism and queer theory a huge part of his manifesto.

Count Dooku

Gay, and pulled legendary numbers of exquisite vintage ass across the galaxy. It's the real reason Sidious traded him in for simple, pussy-whipped Anakin. He just couldn't take it anymore.

Luthen Rael

Hope you like role-play.

Armitage Hux

Yes, it's true; this man has no dick.

Qi'ra

Yes, yes, and good but maybe in a dangerous way? Like drugs, it's possible that you--maybe even most people--could have a healthy, well-adjusted relationship to it. But there's a chance also that it will alter your brain chemistry, fundamentally shift your priorities, and ruin your life. The only way for sure to be safe is not to try it, not even once!

The Bendu

The One in the Middle. So in this case, would that be, like, the taint?

Reva Sevander

I mean, do you like it freaky? How freaky do you like it? There are levels to this sort of thing, and you, through no fault of your own, may not be ready for this ride.

Cassian Andor

Cassian Andor fucks.

The Armorer

I tried to get a read on this one, and all I picked up was radio static. We'll never know. We'll just never know.

Rose Tico

Rose appears naive at first, but she's actually quite worldly and will rock yours.

Bo-Katan Kryze

I daresay more than 2% of us want her to sit on our face. Ms. Sackoff was really lowballing it. Bo does not know what sex is, however, and is rarely in listening-mode, so that's a hurdle we'll have to overcome.

But it's more than 2%.

Poe Dameron

Yes, yes, and does it even matter? It would be an honor just to be considered, sir.

Hera Syndulla

Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets. Apparently what Lola wants is an inexperienced, sexually repressed Jedi hotty. In this way, she is the true queen of Star Wars fandom. Captain our ship, Hera!

And Finally:

Kylo Ren

I do not understand the hold this man has on some of you--which is fine; you don't need me to understand it. He does not know what sex is, he is so horny and angry all the time. And sure, maybe you CAN fix him by completing his education. Blessings, angels. Live your fantasy.

Just promise me you'll use protection? And I don't mean a condom, I mean body armor.

[sominbiased]

hi, did jennie wear a bindi in the dddd mv? i heard it was just decorative crystals, but i'm not desi so i wanted to make sure

Hi love! Thank you for this question, since I have a feeling it’s a confusion a lot of non desi people have regarding Jennie’s styling. I’m assuming by making a distinction between “decorative/ fashion crystal” and “bindi” there’s some confusion as to a) what a bindi looks like and b) how the bindi is used by desi people (e.g, its only used for religious ceremonies or marriages versus being used as a fashion accessory). I’m not an expert on this subject by any means, but with the academic reading I’ve done and my own experiences growing up in India, I’d like to explain, best I can, how imo this distinction really isn’t as valid or important as the manner in which its worn.  Also that being said, I want to state upfront that this is nowhere the most offensive/racist thing done to desi people, and that people who want to cancel her over it are just trying to seem woke themselves. 

 First things first, there’s no particular style or shape that seperates a “real” bindi from just a fashion sticker. Forehead markings of all styles and shapes exist across a variety of Asian cultures. They do, however, descend from India, so I’m sure some right wing orthodox assholes will immediately jump on this by arguing because it’s from one particular Hindu tradition therefore a single red dot makes a “real bindi” (Here’s an example of the original bindi which wikipedia explains pretty well) and that therefore what we see on Jennie isn’t a true bindi, but this ignores the actual reality in India.

One, actual scholars are very clear that the historical origins of a tradition actually have very little bearing on what the cultural significance of a tradition will eventually become*, and secondly because unlike the tilaka, kumkum bindi (which are the markings used exclusively by Hindu women during marraige) and the sindoor, the bindi was never intended to be used exclusively for a particular formal occasion, nor denote a particular social class. Instead, it’s everyday wear for Hindu women, and like some some Indian accessories its also partially migrated to other communities (e.g, wearing the maang tikka is now a must for Muslim weddings as well), though that is notably less common. And because ethnic fashion is a huge industry making everyday wear for millions of Indian women, bindis are everywhere in India: on magazine covers, bollywood stars, in movies, as part of traditional dances, etc, and they are sold in a HUGE variety of styles, often very cheaply, in packs of twenty, so that you can match them to your clothes and accessories (which by the way, used to be the It Thing during primary school for me. My classmates and I all used to go to the store together and compete to get the best looking bindis askfhks). Below is Jennie’s promotional image, and a very popular style of crystal bindis; as you can see, they’re similiar and could have been bought from the same company. The only reason they’re referred to as fashion stickers now is because retailers don’t want to get into trouble after prominent Hindu groups raised objections

The issue desi people have with the popularity of the bindi overseas is not that it is worn but how it’s worn in the west versus in India and what the implications of that are. India is literally one of the most diverse countries in the world, with probably countless number of traditions and styles, so what’s remarkable that all these years the bindi, like (mehendi/henna) has remained a symbol of traditional womanhood, by which I mean its still attached to piety, respect for tradition, conventional/traditional marraige and so on. Spirituality and religion are very very important for many Hindu women, and to many of us, our fashion doesn’t mean compromising our faith (and often, values like social conservatism); another example would be the conservative but fashionable forward outfit styles many Indian Muslim women wear.

On the other hand, the bindi first became popular in the West thanks to “an exotic look” by Madonna, who among other things, is famous for being provocative and pushing the boundaries of sexuality. Now, its associated with wild, often skimpy fashions like Kendall Jenner’s “teeny tiny bra and shorts during Coachella” or “edgier, exotic” images such as G(IDLE) and Blackpink (more on that later). The issue with how these women have chosen to wear and accessorize these bindis is not that there’s anything wrong with presenting yourself in a more sexual way, but because while they might claim to be “celebrating Indian culture” if pressed, its clear from their actions that they genuinely have no idea what bindis actually represent. Foreign celebrities will ONLY make bindis integral to their  edgy/exotic looks, like Jennie wearing a bindi for a “girl crush/edgy” hip hop inspired song, and then immediately discarding it for a “classy/lady like” look while modelling for chanel. This is the opposite of how bindis are actually worn lmao (similiarly, in my post on G(IDLE), I touched on how their usage of mehendi made zero sense and was probably inspired my misconceptions about traditional desi styles). 

A similiar anology to this kind of attitude would be if I only wore round framed glasses with skimpy partying wear and then called it “an exotic look celebrating Korean culture and Korean women” while its obvious from a simple google search that glasses are not exotic accessories, are exclusively worn with casual outfits in Korea and I have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about**.  

It’s difficult to fit a variety of racist beliefs/actions into a single paragraph, but the way I choose to explain it, on a global scale the majority of the world knows nothing about what India’s actually like and tends to buy into one of two stereotypes about the country: desi people, especially women, are either dirty (e.g, we eat with our hands and have more body hair, which apparently makes us gross), backward, hypersexual (e.g, the popularity of the kama sutra and “tantric sex” which is by the way, not a real thing) and even violent, which alot of East Asian countries like Korea tend to buy into because of their colourist beliefs regarding darker skin, or b) we’re simple minded, incredibly backward people overly obessed with our traditions who might speak English but will never assimilate because of our background (e/g racist caricatures such as that one Indian guy on the Big Bang Theory). One of the weirdest aspects of the second attitude is that its now acceptable to just assume Indian traditions live in a vacuum, and we don’t have complex practices and beliefs built on a coherent set of values like everyone else in the world; the attitude that alot of foreigners have when they adopt the bindi or selectively talk about hinduism, if applied to Korea would be things like “Koreans lay out food for their deceased relatives every Chausok because they’re too simple minded and cultural to realise that dead people don’t need food” while happily ignoring the massive economy and high levels of education among the Korean population.

I think its pretty fair to say Jennie’s styling does sort of buy a little bit into both sterotypes, and it’s also fair to say that she’s in no way shown to be actively racist, and this at most is passive ignorance. Desi women have been reclaiming the bindi for years, and they deserve the same love and support foreign celebrities get. Right now though,  Indians have bigger problems to worry about than the popularity of “fashion stickers”, which is why I side eye people who make a huge fuss about this but do nothing to help desi people.  The purpose of this post is not to give people ammunition to “cancel her” which only serves to make yourself look good, but rather to say that when a situation like this occurs our first instinct should be to educate ourselves, because the more extreme forms of these attitudes allow for racism and harm towards people of colour; for instance, most Westerners have woobified Hinduism so much as a religion of peace and mystical spirituality and demonised Islam so much that the proto-fascist radical Hindu government now feels free to allow lynchings and attacks on the Muslim minorities knowing that the Western world won’t raise serious objections. It’s only when we go out to learn with what resources we have (which can be as simple as Wikipedia, like most the links in this post are) that we end up becoming more aware of the world around us, and the different ways we celebrate that as people.

Also on that note, if anyone has any money to spare, both Nagaland and Kerala, two states in India that often get ignored by the Central govt since it doesn’t benefit their Hindu extremism agenda, have experienced natural disasters this year. Feel free to donate here and here (additional info is attached) if you have any spare money.

[brentrogers]

What the Long-Married Have in Common

I have been fortunate to know many couples who have been married 40 years or more. In some couples, the two are like the proverbial two peas in a pod. Sometimes the two are so different, it makes other people marvel that they have been together for decades. Over the last year, I’ve been talking to 7 married couples who are happily together after many, many years to see if there are any identifiable commonalities among them. 

There are. Straight or gay, regardless of backgrounds, the people in each couple have shared ideas of what they expect from themselves and each other. It may sound unromantic, but early on they made what I’m calling a kind of “contract.”

For some, it was explicit; the result of hours of talking and working things through during courtship and the early years of marriage. For others, it has been unstated but understood. Somehow, they just got each other from the beginning. Regardless, these marriages have withstood the ups and downs of life over decades because both members have lived up to their shared expectations about the areas they agreed were most important. 

Each couples’ “contract” includes most of the following topics, although the order of importance varies by couple. Do note: This was not a formal study. It is an account of what emerged in conversations with elderly friends and their couple friends as we talked about their experience.

Their roles: Regardless of others’ feelings about the “rightness” of a particular style, happy couples found roles that are comfortable for them. Some couples were quite happy with what could be described as the traditional nuclear family, with one person being the primary homemaker and parent and the other providing the financial support. Other couples would be appalled by that idea – and created a more equalitarian style. Others agreed on something in-between. It’s the agreement, not the arrangement, that made them comfortable.

How decisions are made: There’s an old joke:  An interviewer asks a couple how decisions are made. “He makes the important decisions.” said the wife. “I make the minor ones – like where we should live, how our money is managed, and how to discipline the kids.”  “So what important decisions does your husband make ?” asked the interviewer. “Well”, said the wife, “things like whether Russia or China is a bigger threat, and if we should be worried about robots taking over our jobs”. For most of the couples, it was much more complicated than that. But it was making a clear decision about how decisions were to be made that made life easier. One woman said she found it freeing to know what decisions needed a conversation and which ones were her responsibility.

Frequency and style of sex: Some couples I interviewed have lived happily with little sex. Some agreed that sex every morning is the right start to the day. One couple in their late 80s joked they have as many positions as the Kama Sutra. Others settled contentedly into one. What kept couples together is shared satisfaction with whatever they decided was right for them.

Fidelity: Fidelity is in the eyes of the couple. For some, sex with anyone else would have been a deal-breaker. For others, it’s been okay to have casual sex with other people but “don’t tell me about it”. They all stressed the importance of an agreement being a real agreement; not a concession; not a resignation. That agreement is sacrosanct. If one person were to unilaterally break the agreement, the relationship would be in serious trouble.

Money: Next to fidelity, all of the couples agreed that a lack of a clear understanding about how money is made, spent, and saved would have been a serious threat to their marriage. These long-married couples worked out their financial understanding early on.

Religion, politics, race, and culture: For two of the couples, their marriage has been what one described as “a cross-cultural experience”. The long-married couples who came from dissimilar backgrounds (religion, race, nationality, political views, etc.) have an abiding respect for each other’s beliefs and traditions. Their differences have been enriching and an endless and interesting topic of conversation

Relationships with extended family: Some couples welcomed their own aging parents or their adult kids or other relatives into their home for extended periods of time. Others find the observation by Mark Twain that “fish and relatives stink after 3 days” is true.  Some people talk to their relatives weekly, even daily. Others have seen them for only on an annual holiday or two.  For all of the couples, there was an agreement about the degree of influence by the older generation as well as agreement about their obligation to the extended family.

Relationship with friends: Is it okay for each to have their own friends or must all friendships be shared? Is it okay to have a best friend who is of the other sex – or does that threaten the marriage? One man in his 90s suggested that decisions about social relationships are related to a couple’s security in each other’s fidelity. “I trust her absolutely, so I have never had a problem with who she spends time with.”

Kids: Children do change almost everything. They take time, energy, and money. Priorities shift. These couples had a shared idea about whether to add children, how to raise them, and who should do what. Most who did have kids carved out a “date night” to ensure their coupleness didn’t get lost in the chaos of family life.

Regardless of the topic, I think what separates the long-married from relationships that don’t last is their commitment to their “contract” and their willingness to talk about it whenever one or the other thought there needed to be a change. 

Change isn’t necessarily a threat. Sometimes change is forced by necessity; sometimes by experience; sometimes by the fact that people do grow up and grow into a different perspective about an issue. What was most meaningful to me in my conversations with these couples was the respect they had for each other and their commitment to meeting challenges and changes together. One elderly woman agreed. “But don’t forget to tell people”, she said. “A sense of humor really helps.”

What the Long-Married Have in Common syndicated from

[whorchataaa]

What the Long-Married Have in Common

I have been fortunate to know many couples who have been married 40 years or more. In some couples, the two are like the proverbial two peas in a pod. Sometimes the two are so different, it makes other people marvel that they have been together for decades. Over the last year, I’ve been talking to 7 married couples who are happily together after many, many years to see if there are any identifiable commonalities among them. 

There are. Straight or gay; regardless of backgrounds; the people in each couple have shared ideas of what they expect from themself and each other. It may sound unromantic, but early on they made what I’m calling a kind of “contract.”

For some, it was explicit; the result of hours of talking and working things through during courtship and the early years of marriage. For others, it has been unstated but understood. Somehow, they just got each other from the beginning. Regardless, these marriages have withstood the ups and downs of life over decades because both members have lived up to their shared expectations about the areas they agreed were most important. 

Each couples’ “contract” includes most of the following topics, although the order of importance varies by couple. Do note: This was not a formal study. It is an account of what emerged in conversations with elderly friends and their couple friends as we talked about their experience.

Their roles: Regardless of others’ feelings about the “rightness” of a particular style, happy couples found roles that are comfortable for them. Some couples were quite happy with what could be described as the traditional nuclear family, with one person being the primary homemaker and parent and the other providing the financial support. Other couples would be appalled by that idea – and created a more equalitarian style. Others agreed on something in-between. It’s the agreement, not the arrangement, that made them comfortable.

How decisions are made: There’s an old joke:  An interviewer asks a couple how decisions are made. “He makes the important decisions.” said the wife. “I make the minor ones – like where we should live, how our money is managed, and how to discipline the kids.”  “So what important decisions does your husband make ?” asked the interviewer. “Well”, said the wife, “things like whether Russia or China is a bigger threat, and if we should be worried about robots taking over our jobs”. For most of the couples, it was much more complicated than that. But it was making a clear decision about how decisions were to be made that made life easier. One woman said she found it freeing to know what decisions needed a conversation and which ones were her responsibility.

Frequency and style of sex: Some couples I interviewed have lived happily with little sex. Some agreed that sex every morning is the right start to the day. One couple in their late 80s joked they have as many positions as the Kama Sutra. Others settled contentedly into one. What kept couples together is shared satisfaction with whatever they decided was right for them.

Fidelity: Fidelity is in the eyes of the couple. For some, sex with anyone else would have been a deal-breaker. For others, it’s been okay to have casual sex with other people but “don’t tell me about it”. They all stressed the importance of an agreement being a real agreement; not a concession; not a resignation. That agreement is sacrosanct. If one person were to unilaterally break the agreement, the relationship would be in serious trouble.

Money: Next to fidelity, all of the couples agreed that a lack of a clear understanding about how money is made, spent, and saved would have been a serious threat to their marriage. These long-married couples worked out their financial understanding early on.

Religion, politics, race, and culture: For two of the couples, their marriage has been what one described as “a cross-cultural experience”. The long-married couples who came from dissimilar backgrounds (religion, race, nationality, political views, etc.) have an abiding respect for each other’s beliefs and traditions. Their differences have been enriching and an endless and interesting topic of conversation

Relationships with extended family: Some couples welcomed their own aging parents or their adult kids or other relatives into their home for extended periods of time. Others find the observation by Mark Twain that “fish and relatives stink after 3 days” is true.  Some people talk to their relatives weekly, even daily. Others have seen them for only on an annual holiday or two.  For all of the couples, there was an agreement about the degree of influence by the older generation as well as agreement about their obligation to the extended family.

Relationship with friends: Is it okay for each to have their own friends or must all friendships be shared? Is it okay to have a best friend who is of the other sex – or does that threaten the marriage? One man in his 90s suggested that decisions about social relationships are related to a couple’s security in each other’s fidelity. “I trust her absolutely, so I have never had a problem with who she spends time with.”

Kids: Children do change almost everything. They take time, energy, and money. Priorities shift. These couples had a shared idea about whether to add children, how to raise them, and who should do what. Most who did have kids carved out a “date night” to ensure their coupleness didn’t get lost in the chaos of family life.

Regardless of the topic, I think what separates the long-married from relationships that don’t last is their commitment to their “contract” and their willingness to talk about it whenever one or the other thought there needed to be a change. 

Change isn’t necessarily a threat. Sometimes change is forced by necessity; sometimes by experience; sometimes by the fact that people do grow up and grow into a different perspective about an issue. What was most meaningful to me in my conversations with these couples was the respect they had for each other and their commitment to meeting challenges and changes together. One elderly woman agreed. “But don’t forget to tell people”, she said. “A sense of humor really helps.”

from https://ift.tt/2XxKJvg Check out https://peterlegyel.wordpress.com/

[ashley-unicorn]

What the Long-Married Have in Common

I have been fortunate to know many couples who have been married 40 years or more. In some couples, the two are like the proverbial two peas in a pod. Sometimes the two are so different, it makes other people marvel that they have been together for decades. Over the last year, I’ve been talking to 7 married couples who are happily together after many, many years to see if there are any identifiable commonalities among them. 

There are. Straight or gay; regardless of backgrounds; the people in each couple have shared ideas of what they expect from themself and each other. It may sound unromantic, but early on they made what I’m calling a kind of “contract.”

For some, it was explicit; the result of hours of talking and working things through during courtship and the early years of marriage. For others, it has been unstated but understood. Somehow, they just got each other from the beginning. Regardless, these marriages have withstood the ups and downs of life over decades because both members have lived up to their shared expectations about the areas they agreed were most important. 

Each couples’ “contract” includes most of the following topics, although the order of importance varies by couple. Do note: This was not a formal study. It is an account of what emerged in conversations with elderly friends and their couple friends as we talked about their experience.

Their roles: Regardless of others’ feelings about the “rightness” of a particular style, happy couples found roles that are comfortable for them. Some couples were quite happy with what could be described as the traditional nuclear family, with one person being the primary homemaker and parent and the other providing the financial support. Other couples would be appalled by that idea – and created a more equalitarian style. Others agreed on something in-between. It’s the agreement, not the arrangement, that made them comfortable.

How decisions are made: There’s an old joke:  An interviewer asks a couple how decisions are made. “He makes the important decisions.” said the wife. “I make the minor ones – like where we should live, how our money is managed, and how to discipline the kids.”  “So what important decisions does your husband make ?” asked the interviewer. “Well”, said the wife, “things like whether Russia or China is a bigger threat, and if we should be worried about robots taking over our jobs”. For most of the couples, it was much more complicated than that. But it was making a clear decision about how decisions were to be made that made life easier. One woman said she found it freeing to know what decisions needed a conversation and which ones were her responsibility.

Frequency and style of sex: Some couples I interviewed have lived happily with little sex. Some agreed that sex every morning is the right start to the day. One couple in their late 80s joked they have as many positions as the Kama Sutra. Others settled contentedly into one. What kept couples together is shared satisfaction with whatever they decided was right for them.

Fidelity: Fidelity is in the eyes of the couple. For some, sex with anyone else would have been a deal-breaker. For others, it’s been okay to have casual sex with other people but “don’t tell me about it”. They all stressed the importance of an agreement being a real agreement; not a concession; not a resignation. That agreement is sacrosanct. If one person were to unilaterally break the agreement, the relationship would be in serious trouble.

Money: Next to fidelity, all of the couples agreed that a lack of a clear understanding about how money is made, spent, and saved would have been a serious threat to their marriage. These long-married couples worked out their financial understanding early on.

Religion, politics, race, and culture: For two of the couples, their marriage has been what one described as “a cross-cultural experience”. The long-married couples who came from dissimilar backgrounds (religion, race, nationality, political views, etc.) have an abiding respect for each other’s beliefs and traditions. Their differences have been enriching and an endless and interesting topic of conversation

Relationships with extended family: Some couples welcomed their own aging parents or their adult kids or other relatives into their home for extended periods of time. Others find the observation by Mark Twain that “fish and relatives stink after 3 days” is true.  Some people talk to their relatives weekly, even daily. Others have seen them for only on an annual holiday or two.  For all of the couples, there was an agreement about the degree of influence by the older generation as well as agreement about their obligation to the extended family.

Relationship with friends: Is it okay for each to have their own friends or must all friendships be shared? Is it okay to have a best friend who is of the other sex – or does that threaten the marriage? One man in his 90s suggested that decisions about social relationships are related to a couple’s security in each other’s fidelity. “I trust her absolutely, so I have never had a problem with who she spends time with.”

Kids: Children do change almost everything. They take time, energy, and money. Priorities shift. These couples had a shared idea about whether to add children, how to raise them, and who should do what. Most who did have kids carved out a “date night” to ensure their coupleness didn’t get lost in the chaos of family life.

Regardless of the topic, I think what separates the long-married from relationships that don’t last is their commitment to their “contract” and their willingness to talk about it whenever one or the other thought there needed to be a change. 

Change isn’t necessarily a threat. Sometimes change is forced by necessity; sometimes by experience; sometimes by the fact that people do grow up and grow into a different perspective about an issue. What was most meaningful to me in my conversations with these couples was the respect they had for each other and their commitment to meeting challenges and changes together. One elderly woman agreed. “But don’t forget to tell people”, she said. “A sense of humor really helps.”

from https://ift.tt/2XxKJvg Check out https://daniejadkins.wordpress.com/

[erraticfairy]

What the Long-Married Have in Common

I have been fortunate to know many couples who have been married 40 years or more. In some couples, the two are like the proverbial two peas in a pod. Sometimes the two are so different, it makes other people marvel that they have been together for decades. Over the last year, I’ve been talking to 7 married couples who are happily together after many, many years to see if there are any identifiable commonalities among them. 

There are. Straight or gay; regardless of backgrounds; the people in each couple have shared ideas of what they expect from themself and each other. It may sound unromantic, but early on they made what I’m calling a kind of “contract.”

For some, it was explicit; the result of hours of talking and working things through during courtship and the early years of marriage. For others, it has been unstated but understood. Somehow, they just got each other from the beginning. Regardless, these marriages have withstood the ups and downs of life over decades because both members have lived up to their shared expectations about the areas they agreed were most important. 

Each couples’ “contract” includes most of the following topics, although the order of importance varies by couple. Do note: This was not a formal study. It is an account of what emerged in conversations with elderly friends and their couple friends as we talked about their experience.

Their roles: Regardless of others’ feelings about the “rightness” of a particular style, happy couples found roles that are comfortable for them. Some couples were quite happy with what could be described as the traditional nuclear family, with one person being the primary homemaker and parent and the other providing the financial support. Other couples would be appalled by that idea – and created a more equalitarian style. Others agreed on something in-between. It’s the agreement, not the arrangement, that made them comfortable.

How decisions are made: There’s an old joke:  An interviewer asks a couple how decisions are made. “He makes the important decisions.” said the wife. “I make the minor ones – like where we should live, how our money is managed, and how to discipline the kids.”  “So what important decisions does your husband make ?” asked the interviewer. “Well”, said the wife, “things like whether Russia or China is a bigger threat, and if we should be worried about robots taking over our jobs”. For most of the couples, it was much more complicated than that. But it was making a clear decision about how decisions were to be made that made life easier. One woman said she found it freeing to know what decisions needed a conversation and which ones were her responsibility.

Frequency and style of sex: Some couples I interviewed have lived happily with little sex. Some agreed that sex every morning is the right start to the day. One couple in their late 80s joked they have as many positions as the Kama Sutra. Others settled contentedly into one. What kept couples together is shared satisfaction with whatever they decided was right for them.

Fidelity: Fidelity is in the eyes of the couple. For some, sex with anyone else would have been a deal-breaker. For others, it’s been okay to have casual sex with other people but “don’t tell me about it”. They all stressed the importance of an agreement being a real agreement; not a concession; not a resignation. That agreement is sacrosanct. If one person were to unilaterally break the agreement, the relationship would be in serious trouble.

Money: Next to fidelity, all of the couples agreed that a lack of a clear understanding about how money is made, spent, and saved would have been a serious threat to their marriage. These long-married couples worked out their financial understanding early on.

Religion, politics, race, and culture: For two of the couples, their marriage has been what one described as “a cross-cultural experience”. The long-married couples who came from dissimilar backgrounds (religion, race, nationality, political views, etc.) have an abiding respect for each other’s beliefs and traditions. Their differences have been enriching and an endless and interesting topic of conversation

Relationships with extended family: Some couples welcomed their own aging parents or their adult kids or other relatives into their home for extended periods of time. Others find the observation by Mark Twain that “fish and relatives stink after 3 days” is true.  Some people talk to their relatives weekly, even daily. Others have seen them for only on an annual holiday or two.  For all of the couples, there was an agreement about the degree of influence by the older generation as well as agreement about their obligation to the extended family.

Relationship with friends: Is it okay for each to have their own friends or must all friendships be shared? Is it okay to have a best friend who is of the other sex – or does that threaten the marriage? One man in his 90s suggested that decisions about social relationships are related to a couple’s security in each other’s fidelity. “I trust her absolutely, so I have never had a problem with who she spends time with.”

Kids: Children do change almost everything. They take time, energy, and money. Priorities shift. These couples had a shared idea about whether to add children, how to raise them, and who should do what. Most who did have kids carved out a “date night” to ensure their coupleness didn’t get lost in the chaos of family life.

Regardless of the topic, I think what separates the long-married from relationships that don’t last is their commitment to their “contract” and their willingness to talk about it whenever one or the other thought there needed to be a change. 

Change isn’t necessarily a threat. Sometimes change is forced by necessity; sometimes by experience; sometimes by the fact that people do grow up and grow into a different perspective about an issue. What was most meaningful to me in my conversations with these couples was the respect they had for each other and their commitment to meeting challenges and changes together. One elderly woman agreed. “But don’t forget to tell people”, she said. “A sense of humor really helps.”

from World of Psychology https://ift.tt/2XxKJvg via theshiningmind.com