#people have always thought i am a lesbian because i dress “masculine

[blonkk]

coming out as normal (female who dresses comfortably and practically regardless of sexuality/whose sexual orientation/“identity” isn’t dictated by her very natural choice to wear relaxed/convenient clothes)

[genderqueerdykes]

thank you both for this, i was literally in the process of writing a post about this as i saw these.

i came out as bisexual when i was about 19 or 20 years old, in 2011 - 2012. this was such a difficult thing because everyone around me suddenly had very pointed opinions on me. suddenly i wasn't queer anymore, i was a straight person. i asked people why and they said well bisexual people are half straight, which makes you straight, which means gay people don't want to be around you. i was told nobody likes bisexuals because they're too straight to be gay and too gay to be straight

i had a literal personal dilemma because i didn't feel like that at all. when i was realizing i was bisexual i was realizing i was attracted to all genders in a queer way. i did NOT feel like my attraction to men, women or genderqueer people was straight in any way, shape or form. i've always fit in much better in both gay and lesbian circles. those have always been my home, and my community

in the early days of my transition, when "genderqueer" wasn't even remotely heard of, i had to try to transition into being a man to be seen as trans at all. i went from being forced into lesbian spaces to being forced into gay male spaces. nobody let me pick where i was existing. i was being pushed around. i liked both lesbian and gay male spaces, but i was being told when i could and couldn't occupy the spaces. and then when it came out i was bi everyone called me a traitor and said i was a straight person

my best friend at the time came with me to pride meetings and when her mom found out about that, and that i was bi, she told my friend she couldn't come to those pride meetings anymore, and that i was turning her daughter into a lesbian. her mother would not stop calling me a lesbian all throughout my life. from early childhood, she thought me and her daughter were dating because i was butch and she was femme and we were very close. her mom carried this belief into adulthood, asking her outright if we were lovers. her brother thought we were, too, and taunted us about it.

my own mom weaponized lesbianism against me. she hated how butch i was. she hated that i "looked and acted like a lesbian". she called me a butch and a bulldyke hatefully. she told me not to dress or look certain ways or else people would assume i, and her by some proxy, were lesbians. my mom was insanely butch so i don't really know why this was being leveraged against me but either way when i became a young adult and my mom was trying to force me to learn to drive (something i am terrified of doing due to having 2 dissociative disorders), she asked what kind of car i would ideally like. i said a truck. i was standing there in a purple plaid shirt and she just sighed and went "I knew you were a lesbian." she pointed out my shirt. she was weaponizing lesbophobic and butchphobic stereotypes against me, but either way, reinforcing that i was a lesbian in one capacity or another

i got so tired of my friends harassing me for saying that if i was bi that meant i was straight and i needed to stop calling myself gay because i wasn't, and that it was an "insult" to the gay community. note that nobody gave a singular flying fuck about the bisexual community at all. i was literally bullied out of identifying as bi, because my straight cishet male friends hated it, and my lesbian identifying GF was uncomfortable with it because it made me sound too straight.

the thing is, none of these people asked what being bisexual meant to me.

i actually liked the lesbian community a lot. i really love other lesbians. i have always been attracted to lesbian and butch identifying people for as long as i could remember. i loved seeing strong butch women on TV, even if there were rude jokes. i loved the idea of being a masculine person who is sometimes a queer masculine woman. i loved the idea of being with femmes, i loved queer women and people who took femininity to the next level. i also loved seeing gay men when and wherever they existed. i always felt like i fit right in, and like i was seeing a reflection of a part of myself i needed help discovering.

i have almost always, as long as i can remember, identified as a gay man, and a lesbian, at the same time. my attraction to men, women, and people of all genders is queer no matter what gender of mine is involved. it doesn't matter. i have never felt "half gay half straight" which is why people weaponizing heterosexuality against me as a bisexual forced me to strictly identify as a gay man for almost a decade. it was painful to ignore my butch lesbian side, and to stop identifying as gay, because people would criticize how attractive i found women, and other people

if people had let me exist and explain what bisexuality means to me, they could've understood that bisexual is an inherently deeply queer attraction no matter what genders are involved, but NOBODY cares to listen to the bisexual. everyone LOVES to speak for us because we're just "straight people invading the queer community."

we've had it. bisexuals are queer. even if they DO identify as "half straight" they're STILL queer. let bisexuals define bisexuality. there is no one size fits all form of bisexuality. every single bisexual defines it differently and that's the point. it's a very complex identity with many layers that often relate to gender and presentation as well as attraction.

let bisexuals define bisexuality.

[cowboy-heart]

'interview with a butch' - a fake interview reflecting on butch-femme dynamics! inspired by the amazing piece by @llovely, which you can read here :)

(ID below read more)

[an original, interview-style poem called 'interview with a butch':

when did you know you were butch? I knew by the time I was sixteen, but that’s only when I found the word. I’ve been butch since the day I was born, at least since I was just a few months old and threw an earth-shattering tantrum whenever my mum tried to put me in a dress. (both laugh) your poor mum!

I remember being a little butch knight, chivalrous even before I was double digits. my best friend only lived up the road from school, but her parents were running late and she was scared to do it herself. so I walked her up the hill, her arm linked in mine, pride balancing on my chest. and when I got her to her door, I said that we should kiss like adults do when they say goodbye, and we took it in turns to kiss each other on each cheek. when I walked home I felt something the size of a boulder in my stomach, but I didn’t know what it meant yet, just that there was something about myself that set me apart.

how did you feel with your first femme? oh, man, even for a writer that’s hard to find the words for. (laugh) let’s put it this way: before I had my first femme, I always felt like something was missing in my relationships – not just in the relationship itself, but in me. I felt broken and wrong, unsatisfied and selfish. I thought that maybe I just had too high expectations or something. hell, even with sex I felt like something was missing, like I couldn’t find my own desire.

But then, then I had my first femme. How graphic can I be here? (laugh) as graphic as you want! okay, good!

watching my stomach hang over my harness, long nails in my hips, I felt like I had a second sexual awakening. I felt the most present in my body I���d ever been, and like I could be in them forever. I didn’t feel dissatisfied, or wrong. when their hand held mine and played with my fingers I felt lightning shoot through me. it was like realising I was a lesbian all over again. but even outside of romance, femmes are my friends, my family, my community. talking to femmes, being around femmes, I’ve never felt so seen and loved. I can handle every sharp look, every slur thrown my way, just because my armour was polished by femmes.

do you find your roles restrictive? they’re liberating. I think sometimes people see me and think that I had to fit into this constrictive box, that I disallowed myself to enjoy anything feminine. the reality is that for butches, we find the word we’ve been searching for our whole lives. I can’t even remember finding the word, isn’t that crazy? it felt second nature. it somehow perfectly described everything I’d ever felt, exposed me to a community of people who were just like me outside of my Tory town! (pause)

I think there’s a tendency even in leftist, LGBT spaces to think that masculinity is oppressive, and femininity is liberating and oppressed. but it’s really not like that. we’re punished for deviating from our assigned gender, whether you’re a masculine woman, or a feminine man, or something in between the two. I’ve had gay men try to convince me to let them do my makeup, I’ve had gay women tell me that they’re “so glad” I don’t have ‘toxic masculinity’ like “other butches”. femininity was a cage for me, something I had to imitate to survive the perils of high school, but it was never me. masculinity liberated me, and it’s not inherently toxic. I love to carry the bags, hold open the doors, cry in pride, protect those I love. and there’s nothing like coming home at the end of the day to a sweet femme, ready to rub my tired muscles. man, I’m not good at concise answers, am I? (both laugh) no, but I love it!

what do you think of people who see your relationship as heteronormative? they’re twats! (both laugh) now, that’s a concise answer! no, no that’s not fair. here’s what I’d say to them:

I see it as…a complex gender performance. no, that makes it sound like it’s play pretend. they’re complex gender…expressions, dynamics, play, desire, euphoria. a butch and a femme together is no more heterosexual than a bear and a twink, a top and a bottom. it’s a dance that we know in our bones, like we knew each other in a previous lifetime and we’re just falling back into our favoured rhythm. even every fumble and awkward gesture is a part of it. we fall into sync and into each other, we tenderise each other’s gender, affirm it, and love every minute of it. we’re not two sides of the same coin, you talk to any butch-femme couple and chances are our priori (edit: interviewee meant propositions) are the same but our conclusions are not; we’re the same side of the same coin, just one is the top of the tail and the other is the bottom of it. is that a euphemism? (laugh) take it as you will!

I’m no man, my femme is no woman, and I’m no less butch when I’m wearing a kiss-the-cook apron and cleaning their kitchen, and they’re no less femme when they’re putting together a shelf or driving me to work. To look at us and see a heteronormative imitation of cisgender predetermination is proof of their own lack of nuance – do you think all dogs are boys and all cats are girls, too? (both laugh)

I think in a lot of ways, butch-femme dynamics are inherently transsexual. or, in the very least, good friends of transgenderism. If you can’t see us for what we are then chances are you’ve got your own internalised gender biases to unlearn.

I’ve always been butch to my bones, but when I’m with my baby I’m on cloud nine. I feel desired, my gender revered and loved.

so, what you’re saying is, you feel seen? I do. we see each other and nurture each other. I’ve never really liked being called ‘beautiful’, but when it falls from the lips of a femme, I know that they’re not seeing me as feminine. I feel most comfortable to explore the depths of both my femininity and masculinity with them; I don’t feel restricted to a role.

maybe that’s what people are missing about it: our homes are temples of gender exploration and devotion.

end ID].

[gatheringbones]

[“Some lesbians I know have gay male sex. I know this is what they do. I don't quite know how they do it because I don't really have a cock---not in any of my bodies. I am all girl. I like being a girl.

I like being a girl fucking girls and a girl fucking boys and a girl fucking boy-girls. I like being a girl fucking butches and a girl fucking femmes. I like being a girl fucked by boys and girls in all kinds of bodies and costumes. I sometimes even feel a little butch, but I don't have a cock of my own. I do have two dildos in my drawer and sometimes I want to fill a womon with my whole hand, but I am always a girl.

Years ago, I thought that since I was such a girly-girl, I couldn't be a lesbian, because lesbians were so much more masculine than I was. but then I figured out there was a name for me, that I was a femme. This was incredibly liberating, and I loved being a femme, and I loved loving butch womyn. What I didn't know was that some of the womyn I was loving were not womyn. Or not "just" womyn, not only womyn. I didn't know womyn could be men. I thought male was a dirty word. I thought wanting men meant I wasn't lesbian anymore. How could I have known how many lesbians were really men?

Indeed, I have been wanting men. I am beginning to understand how a lesbian can really want men. I am beginning to understand how much bodies with breasts and dicks really do turn me on. Is this bisexuality? How do I label my sexual identity?

One friend identifies as a female-bodied butch. He says he is neither a womon nor a lesbian, and he takes only womyn lovers. Another friend says s/he is a lesbian but is also a man. Yet another says s/he is a masculine womon. I know two people who identify as transgendered womyn---one is a biological man and the other a biological womon. The bioman dresses and lives as a woman; the biowoman dresses and lives as a man. Both call themselves lesbian.

I have come to understand that, although there is not yet a name for my desires, I am a womon, a lesbian womon, and a femme, who deeply desires male presence in female bodies. I love men on top of me and inside me. This is my kind of lesbianism.”]

Lionheart, from wanting men, from genderqueer: voices beyond the binary, edited by Riki wilchins, 2002

[cowboyjen68]

Hi!!

I just wanted to ask some advice from one butch to another.

I recently got my dream job of being a warden on a nature reserve (and i love it!), while interacting with people there I get called a young man very often (i am 18 lol) and it gives me euphoria to know im masculine enough to even pass as a man. I've also had some volunteers ask if I was a man or not (despite my feminine name).

But recently I got called a "lady" outside while out with my mother. It drove me INSANE I cried alot.

Don't get me wrong I do identify as a woman but I hate being seen as a lady.

I've even thought about using he/him pronouns recently and changing my name but i'm too scared to as most people won't understand bc im still a lesbian.

Is this strange?

ps love u and ur blog lots xx

This is an easy answer because I was 18 once and looked enough like a teenage boy that I got "hey sport" and "hey young man" all the time, especially when in my work clothes. I worked for The Mayor's Youth Corp in Iowa City in the summers of my 15th and 16th year. Mom and Dad let me get a work permit AND bought me a used Datsun Pickup so I could drive myself the 20 miles there and back each day.

I was a volunteer with the Corp of Engineers youth from 14 to 16 and Dad knew I was super excited about this job. Mom was not thrilled that I wanted to cut my hair but my "grand mullet" was really hot under the hard hat in the summer heat of Iowa. (in the 1980's boys and girls had the short in front long and permed in back look) We compromised and I cut the sides really short. (photo of my me at 16 in my uniform for reference)

Using "he" would never have occurred to me because "EWWW Boys". This is not to say, however, that I hated being mistaken for a boy, on the contrary, it felt good. When someone thought I was a young man it meant they treated me as such. They didn't talk down to me, I knew they assumed I was capable and willing to get dirty. I knew unconsiously that along with the mistaken identity came many perks. This was nothing I analyzed but little girls see very early on the difference in treatment they recieve from their brothers, male cousins and neighborhood boys. This difference leads us to become negotiators to control our circumstances and not entittled to treatment based on our skills and actual personalies.

When an adult recognized me as a boy, even for a second at first glance, I knew I didn't have to prove myself. They, for an instant, assigned to me words like "strong, capable, demanding etc". No negotations required.

When someone realized I was a girl they literally had a change in their face. They smiled at me, softened their voice. When I was called "young lady" or "Miss" it always seemed to be backed my the worst assumptions (in my mind anyway). Lady is steeped in all kinds of traits I didnt want assigned to me. "quiet, weak, likes to dress pretty"OR "motherly, submissive, meek" Nothing good in my teen brain, that is for sure. Lady felt so OLD, so married to a man and reliant on him for survival, so polyster pants and ugly flats and scratchy blouses with a flower imprint. NONE of these things are inherent to being a woman or even socially forced on us but that is not how things work sometimes. Words that describe people get stereotypes and myths and traits attached to them all the time. Woman and girl are no different.

I can tell you, the best feeling in the world when I was in that job was when my supervisor, who damn well knew I was a young woman, trusted me with all the same tasks as the boys. Who valued my opinions and abilities equally to the young men. He took time to teach me what I didn't know, just like with them and didn't assume I couldn't or didn't want to learn things on the job. He didn't shame ANYONE for not being strong enough or for getting tired or needing a break.

Don't let the assumptions of others force you into another box of conformity. You don't need a boys name or to use any pronouns you don't feel connected to just to please others. In fact, none of that effort will change perceptions of those around you. I can promise that one day being called Lady will just be another word that you can hear and know it does not change your personality or your interests or control the hope you have for your future. What does waste a lot of time and energy is trying to adjust things in your life to fit incorrect or snap assumptions about you as a person. You can never control the thoughts of those around you but what you can do is stop worrying about it and enjoy YOU.

You have a job you love and are sure to thrive in. You are solid in your sexuality and love of women, you are in a unique position to possibly change the perceptions of others when they think of "young women". Your interactions with the public are sure to effect the assumpions of at least some people when they think of young women and their roles in our society.

Congratulations on your new career and I bet you rock that uniform.

[barbthebuilder]

hey, it's alright if you cant answer this because i understand!

I'm having trouble with what my gender identity is, I'm afab, and i have always thought i was cis until early 2024. in jan i experimented with being genderfluid, as i realised how much i loved presenting masc and how it made me feel so much better being masc.

shortly after that, i had a weird feeling constantly while presenting masc or fem, where if i was fem i would just feel cis, but if i presented masc i would feel like i'm still cis but just dressing up. my solution to this was to choose a different name to the very feminine one i was assigned, so i chose charlie, which in my head is a very feminine name but also very masculine, based on the people ive seen with that name.

i decided on the lable nonbinary for a bit. (maybe 3 months or so) but when i was using just they/them pronouns i felt like i was missing out on the other genders i wanted to be, so i used they/he/she for a bit, which was fine.

i realised soon after that nobody was using he/him for me, so i dropped it because it felt like a waste and just used they/she, which made me extremely dysphoric, so i went back to they/them.

im currently using they/them, nonbinary, and dressing masc daily, (not wearing any makeup to avoid any dysphoria at all) BUT im also a lesbian. ive been a lesbian for about 2 years and im certain that i am, but can i be enby and lesbian ??? or any other lable and lesbian because thats another thing thats been making me feel weird about my gender

i know this is pretty confusing so if you dont know then i get it, no worries!! i hope you have a nice day :D

Yo, gender identity stuff can be pretty confusing so I don't balme you for feeling uncertian about all of this.

The experience of feeling like you basically fake being genderfluid is something I have dealt with in the early days too. You have identified as a woman for a very long time. It's natural that there is a part if you that rejects nonbinary thinking. You're just not used to thinking about yourself in other ways.

That too shall pass. Feeling like you're faking is temporary if you sureound yourself with good support system and reprogram binary thinking. That happened to me at least.

I can totally relate to feeling like you miss out on something while using they/them. I am personally fine with those pronouns but I much rather be called she or he.

Now, I want you to notice something. You expressed that the best set of pronouns for you that you experimented with was she/they/he. You stuck with those, however people did not use he/him for you. I said: "it felt like a waste". A waste of what? I wonder if there are other feelings involved here too. It just bugs me that you have changed such a big part of yourself beacuse of how everybody was treating you. Maybe the pronouns are not the problem here but how others use them on you.

You seem to be very uncomfortable with she/they and not fully yourself with they/them. Seems like the masculine part of you is a very important one. I don't think it would be true to yourself to reject or supress it.

I think the problem with realising what your gender identity is will be connected to your desire to conform. Don't ask yourself "will they accept me?" but "will I accept me?".

For example, you seem to be very strongly connected to your lesbian label but here you are asking complete stranger if you can use it. Are you a lesbian? If you want to, then yes. Don't try to be what others perceive you to be. Just. Be.

I'm not sure if this was helpful lol. Let me know if you want to! I'm always open to the chatter. Sending lots of love!! <33

[mysmorgasbordoffantabulosa]

Hi, this is going to be super random but I just needed to ask someone without getting attacked 😅

What is your opinion on people calling jungkook a lesbian or referring to him with she/her pronouns? (Ex: jungkook is my gf)

I stumbled upon this reddit post about jungkook and gender. The consensus was that jungkook is very gender fluid, which I completely agree with. But then there's all these comments saying he's feminine , a lesbian, or a butch lesbian and I just found it so weird. There were people disagreeing and saying that Jungkook in his non idol appearance, is pretty much a regular dude. But these people were fighting for their lives saying that we don't know the real jungkook because he's very feminine with his long hair, clothing (CK photoshoot), makeup, liking girl groups, being into IU, the way he embodies the gg dances etc... and idk I just feel like they're projecting onto him and stereotyping. There was even a lesbian calling them out, and they were telling her not to take the term 'butch lesbian' so serious and downvoting her, which I thought was crazy.

I had seen people tweet stuff like this on twitter, but I always thought they were just joking, but now im seeing that the majority of people aren't, and they really do see jungkook in this feminine lens... So, do you think it's ok for fans to call him that and use the wrong pronouns for him? Am I overreacting?

JK is (and can be) both feminine and masculine in how he expresses himself. I think, JK moves inbetween both, especially within how he dresses himself. He has consistently used gender neutral fashion brands, hell his brother's own fashion label (which JK uses) is very gender neutral.

I think the fandom... certain parts of it anyway... have a skewed perception of JK, one that comes from him being the Maknae and how they baby him for it. It's from this babying that they some fans extent that to their shipping of him. Large swathes of the fandom use this notion of JK being younger as being the "bottom" and therefore the "feminine" one of the ship. I saw it quite a lot in Taekook edits, which I always thought of as ridiculous, as I thought of JK being more masc with moments of femininity and Tae vice versa, but the age thing with Tae as hyung (top/dom/masc) and JK as maknae (bottom/sub/femme). I think that's ultimately what it's all about, age, and how that plays into fan-fic and gender roles.

The lesbian thing... I wonder if some just could articulate in sensible manner that JK is clearly a regular guy with some femme moments. So I'll clock that to the immaturity of the posters.

[drbased]

Hi, I saw your addition on this post:

https://www.tumblr.com/maslows-pyramid-scheme/763959982738833408?source=share

And I was wondering if you had any other input on straight people being bicurious/thinking they could be bisexual? Because I can kind of relate to that. I'm an OSA woman and have been questioning/bicurious for years now but don't seem to be getting anywhere.

I'm interested in kissing women (never have) but I don't usually fantasize about sex with them. I always thought since I am not repulsed by the idea, it must mean something, and radblr likes to say that unless you are repulsed, it counts. I have been vaguely interested in one or two women before, it was never sexual but still felt a bit different from just platonic. I feel like I can't 100% relate to my straight friends who would never even consider kissing a woman but I also can't relate to lesbians and bi women who love vagina. Am I just a curious straight woman who likes women's company and isn't grossed out by female bodies? Is that a normal way to be straight? Or am I bi with a preference for men? I genuinely can't tell anymore.

You and me both, sister. Every since I was a teenager I always considered myself 'probably bi, but not really curious'. You're clearly further along the spectrum than I am though, because I've never found myself being attracted to a woman IRL. The only thing is, if I am attracted to women I'm exclusively attracted to gnc women - not 'butch', but more, say androgynous in both attitude and dress. Bonus points if she actually looks androgynous - but at that point I find myself thinking, well is that just because I like male characteristics then? Problem is I've never seen a woman IRL who looks like what I think I'd be attracted to, so the jury's still out, I suppose.

I must say, I've not heard anyone on radblr say that unless you're repulsed, it counts. In fact, I've actually heard the opposite - espeically from lesbians who defend their right to define sexuality around what you actually desire, not what you can tolerate; lesbian sexuality is about desiring pussy, regardless of whether you're repulsed by or merely indifferent to cock. So, then, under that logic I consider myself functionally straight.

The issue is that as women we have this extra hurdle to overcome in defining our sexuality; there's this fundamental societal belief that women are just inherently attractive, to the point where I've seen drag queens - literal gay men - get upset that they're not attractive enough because they don't look like women; like, shouldn't your entire concept of attractiveness be based around what looks masculine? And this belief system is used to devalue lesbianism and women's bisexuality as legitimate sexualities - of course women are going to be attracted to women, haven't you seen women? Everybody loves boobs! And I'm here constantly wondering if women with our curves and small faces are so 'inherently' attractive or is that just hundreds of years of patriarchal conditioning - or is it because as some radfems point out that women have never had control of reproductive selection, and that's why men are generally uglier? Because no matter how much I want to fight it I do have to admit that I don't actually fancy that many men - just like with women I almost exclusively like androgynous features on men. And I've seen it said a fair amount both in and out of radblr that if you're attracted to androgynous/feminine men then that's a secret sign you're actually a wlw?

Idk girl, it's just a permanent unknown in my head. And I've never seen another women talk about their sexuality like I do. So in answering this ask I suppose I'm also asking if any other straight women have the same experience as I do? Do you, anon, find yourself gravitating to gnc/androgynous/feminine men as I do? Have you accidentally ended up dating exclusively bisexual men? We have to find all the straight women who have these concerns and set up some sort of conference because I just want to kNOW.

[mogai-sunflowers]

inspired by this post (link!) i’m going to talk about aromanticism, lesbianism, autism, and being a queer girl through those lenses!

i have never been interested in romance in the typical sense. before i discovered my queer identity, i got crushes on boys often, and yet i never actually fantasized about romance. this was partly because i was and am very socially awkward and unaware due to being autistic, and partly because, well, i was a child- i didn’t really know that romance was something people desired. i thought people wanted weddings because of the aesthetic dresses and pictures.

as i started getting a bit older, i would always notice how my girl friends were always talking about the boys they had crushes on. i started internalizing this idea that i wasn’t ‘really’ a girl because i had sensory issues with makeup so i didn’t wear any, i didn’t love my femininity or try to perform it for others because i didn’t understand the social concept of gender or gender performance, and i didn’t have the romantic dreams about boys that it seemed like every other girl was having.

so for a long time, i absolutely hated being a girl. anything associated with it. i still struggle with a lot of internalized misogyny, but it’s nothing like it used to be. i could not see myself as a real girl because i just wasn’t like any other girl i had ever met! i perceived other girls as being stupid for being so into boys, for performing femininity for them, and for being interested in them at all. it was a flawed mindset, but i was 13.

ever since i found out about aromanticism and realized “hey, that’s what i am” and that came around with my discovery that i was much more into girls than i was into boys, i have allowed myself to fall in love with my femininity. i realized that my sense of girlhood, of femininity, didn’t have to come from other people- it came from me. i AM a real girl, because being a girl isn’t about liking boys or wearing makeup or being feminine, it’s just about being a girl.

now, i love being feminine. i identify as genderqueer, and part of that is because i have had a unique gender experience! i was apathetic and denied my gender for so long because of my relationship with romance and performative femininity, and it took discovering my queerness to love and embrace my gender identity, so my gender feels very queer to me!

now, i embrace being both feminine and masculine. im femme because my femininity is super personal in a queer way, i’m butch because i love masculinity and i use it to express my queer identity, and i’m feminine not because i want to perform my girlhood for others, or because i want to attract boys OR girls, but because it’s who i am and it brings me joy. it’s hard to explain, but aromantic lesbianism gave me permission to love my identity as a girl. now, i wear extravagant dresses, sensory-friendly makeup, feminine outfits, and shit because i want to feel good about myself, and that’s pretty cool!

tagging @urpurplehairedsage !

[calamitycontrolled]

The Story So Far...

hey there,

I want to write down everything that's contributed to my journey so far in the interest of memory and sharing. So here's my story from the start until now!

I was assigned male at birth, and currently identify as non-binary. I am 22 years old and have been questioning my gender for a long time. Thoughts about gender have been becoming more frequent and painful in the past 2-3 years.

(TW: Sexuality) This post will describe my very personal feelings and detail some parts of my journey that may be uncomfortable to read. I will discuss sexuality, masturbation, and dysphoria.

My earliest memory regarding gender dysphoria or feeling like something wasn't quite right was when I was very young, maybe 5-6? I remember feeling excitement or euphoria when I put on one of my sister's princess dresses. I tried a few on and felt amazing. I didn't understand it at the time, but I guess that was euphoria. It felt almost like I was aroused. That's a can of worms for the TERF/ autogynephilia crowd, but understand that there's no way I was sexually aroused at the age of five from wearing feminine clothing. I would try on my mom's and sister's heels and take their clothing also. I forgot about that stuff for the most part, but still felt like something was off. For as long as I can remember, I've been disinterested in traditional masculine activities and gender norms. I have always hated playing/watching sports, fishing, and stuff like that. I thought I was just a stick in the mud or anti-social, but I never really wanted to do any of those things. When I was younger, I showed a bit of interest in basketball and baseball but that was extremely short lived. I spent most of my time playing video games, playing star wars, and skating. One could argue that these are masculine activities, though. I really hate anything to do with physical strength and competition. I've always been sorta delicate I guess.

Although I desired to crossdress since an early age, I suppressed those feelings to the point where I didn't act on them anymore, but I still felt them. When I turned 12-13 and reached middle school, things took a big turn. I feel like I've been depressed ever since I hit puberty and I can't explain why. Self-esteem and insecurity issues hit me like a truck. I don't feel like a man, but what else is there? I didn't know I had a choice. I desired to be friends with girls. More so I desired to be one of the girls- but I didn't really understand it at the time. I've always been attracted to women, but I don't know if I want them or want to be them. Probably both. I am pansexual, and have always felt strange around the other boys. I never felt like I fit in with the majority of the masculine crowd. I went to a Catholic elementary and middle school, and my two best friends in middle school both turned out to be gay. I wonder if people perceived me as gay sometimes because I recently found a note in my yearbook from a friend calling me his first love? I've always fantasized about being with girls and boys, but didn't figure that out until high school. At that time, I remember desiring to be more feminine, but being extremely scared. It wasn't a choice I could make. I felt so ashamed and out of place. My confusion only made me more depressed and angry at myself. Why would I even think that I was trans? I guess deep down I always sorta knew, but again I suppressed that part of me out of guilt, sadness, and shame. I felt like I would be disappointing my family and causing problems. I still feel like that honestly. Internalized transphobia is real. It's just rage towards my identity that manifests and destroys my confidence and self esteem. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to be an ugly woman, which is often the only thing holding me back.

I've largely only dated lesbian or bisexual women. A few of them have turned out to be lesbians exclusively after we dated. Almost all of my partners have identified as part of the LGBT community. That's just one thing I find interesting.

I've been buying my own feminine clothes since I was 17, and recently have been buying a lot more. I love to wear skirts, crop tops, and high socks. Now I feel so dysphoric when I'm wearing men's clothing. I am in such a battle with my body right now. I am constantly fighting body hair, my penis, and my broad shoulders. I absolutely hate to see that I have male genitals in my pants, especially when other people can see it. I really only want to buy women's clothing now. My egg cracked on Christmas Eve 2021, when I was drunk texting my then-girlfriend and told her that I think I'm trans. I lurked on r/egg_irl for a while, and did a lot of research on being trans. I remember lying on the couch after everyone had gone to sleep crying. Again, I suppressed it. I keep trying to "go straight" and embrace masculinity, but I fail every time. I cannot for the life of me be the traditional man.

So, if you expect me to boymode because that's my AGAB then fuck you! I realized that I'm living MY LIFE, and other people need to mind their business or support me. Everything else doesn't matter. They're not me, and I'm not them. At the end of the day I have to live with myself, and I'm going to make sure I love who I am.

Let's talk about my friends and family. I am out to my friends and have made steps in dropping people who are homophobic, transphobic, or otherwise won't accept me for who I am. My friends are a tremendous source of love and support, and I am so grateful for them. My family, on the other hand, is a different story. I've only talked to my mom about gender dysphoria, and while she's supportive, she is definitely confused and almost taken aback by it. She says that I didn't show any signs in childhood, and that crossdressing is something all little kids do. I think she expected me to be gay. She told me she expected one of her kids to be gay because my Uncle is gay, but not one being transgender. She keeps asking me if I like boys. I want to tell my sister but she seems disinterested in the fact that we're even related. I just want the support of my family. I'm tired of being doubted, because I do enough of that to myself. My mom is willing to accept me as a woman, but she said it will take some time. She wants to mourn her son. I want to tell her that she has two daughters now, but it's too early for all that. I even have my new name picked out, but I'm scared to take that next step. It's Siobhan by the way (Shi-vawn). I wanted to choose another Irish name that starts with S.

Sexual Dysphoria: It feels odd to share this information but I think it's important to acknowledge. Ever since puberty, I've primarily tried to penetrate myself and feel pleasure that way. I don't know why I did it, it felt instinctual. But I've never really had romantic feelings for men (not until recently), so I can't be gay, right? I was, and still am, so confused. When I first had sex, I really didn't enjoy it. This feeling that something was wrong persisted, but I didn't know why. I love women, but why can't I enjoy the sex we have? I dread having to be the "man" or top. So I started thinking I was gay. When I had sex with men, I didn't really feel attracted to them, but enjoyed being the bottom much more. It felt better. But I can't see myself dating or being intimate with most men. So I would leave those encounters feeling like shit, confused, and degraded. Now I am in a great relationship with a beautiful woman and she understands how I'm feeling. Sex is an important part of a relationship, but I feel like I can't uphold my end. My libido has been destroyed from anti-depressants in addition to the distress that I feel when "on top." Sex is still pleasurable, but I can't reach an orgasm and sometimes have to almost dissociate to cope with the fact that I have a penis. When I wear feminine clothing, research transitioning, do my makeup, or shop for feminine things, I get the same arousal feeling that I described when I crossdressed for the first time. It's not sexual, but I feel excited. My research shows that this is normal and it will calm down once this part of me is no longer repressed. Sometimes I feel like I'm just a pervert that gets a thrill from dressing as a woman.

I desire to start HRT and begin my social transition, but there's a lack of doctors/endocrinologists in my area and I'm waiting to keep talking with my mom about it. She seems worried that I'm going to transition. I know that there's never going to be a more convenient or better time, so part of me wants to say fuck it and just do it. It's obvious to me that these feelings aren't going away, I'm not getting any younger, and every step I take I love. If you are reading this, I hope you can understand me a bit better now.

Lots of love,

Siobhan.

[anonil88]

I'm 28 and I finally have an urge to drive and go on another roller coaster. (Just thinking out loud)

At the church picnic this little boy hes like 5/6 is so eager to help his granddad and learn and look out for his sister. It makes me wonder if that personality is inate in boys or are they just babies and "trained up" that way. Kinda sad that it never stuck for me or that part of being a masculine lesbian or queer womab for so many I don't have that. Feel kinda like an imposter in my own identity. I know it's mine to craft and create but there's examples of the right way. The way definitions mean exactly what they mean and are not as broad as we believe they should be. Words have meanings but also have criteria for their use and structure. Especially when their definitions are tied to people. I sometimes feel like I haven't read my syllabus and a big test is coming up. Someone will quiz me and I will get an answer wrong and whatever I feel doesn't matter because actions and facts over feelings. Or at least that's what I've been taught. I shouldn't be riled by the words of my aunt who knows me and strangers who don't know me but it puts a chink in my armor. Times like these i don't feel so confident in the few labels that immediately felt right and the ones that I'm uncertain of become irrelevant. Trying to fit feels like an identity crisis as I try to decolonize my speech and mind but my brain is already hard set to specific actions or words. I can rebel and have my own thoughts but there's limits on when I bite my own fist to not cut the wrong wire. Am I just a sissy or pretty girl in a dress playing make believe or dress up? I want to say no but I think "maybe, but does it matter." If I'm the masculine in my community, my family, why don't I behave like it? Where is my innate ability to protect when there isn't also a sense of danger to myself. I'm not always a gentle person, I always open the door but there's times I let others hold it open for me. Is it okay that I forget my role there because I don't have that same role in the privacy of my family. I'm taken care of; driven to places, reminded of chores I've forgotten, as my aunt says "given metaphorical breast milk". "If you want to be a man you take on male responsibilities", "you're the youngest its your job now", and if I was a boy I'd have to keep my word because there's a different standard.

If I want to be masculine I must want to be a boy or closer to carrying that role. I'm not a real masculine because I don't do any of that. It makes me a burden of love at my big age. But it also makes me question myself internally, would I have been better off as a boy. Probably not because the attentions I'd receive as a black man would be far worse than now. But responsibility wise I may fair better and having to question my own masculinity wouldn't be so much of a struggle. Or maybe I'd question my femininity?

[lesbians4armand]

okay have been thinking about this for a while so here’s a non fandomy post about my lesbian experience with gender.

first and foremost i consider myself a cis woman, my pronouns are she/her. but this gender identity also feels very informed by my sexuality.

I think despite how horrific the Covid quarantines were they provided an incredible space for self exploration as the full detach from society meant a lack of performance, this is why wilder styles in makeup and fashion became popular during this time, but it was also a popular time that we were talking about sexuality and gender identity because of the isolation and looking within that happened.

I was a young adult when this happened, just out of my teens, never truly having thought about my gender identity. I identified as bisexual for a long time, which i now come to realise was mostly due to comphet (a discussion within itself), but i was never really aware of the full spectrum of queerness.

I think a lot about the Dolly Parton quote “find out who you are and do it on purpose” as that seems to sum up my thoughts very well. I’m cis, but not because it was a default state that i never thought much about, it was a conclusion i came to through exploration and it’s something i recommend to all people. Find out who you are, explore the masculine, the feminine, everything in between.

Gender identity at the time was like a clothes shop, you could go into a fitting room and see how things felt, how they looked. I came out wearing the same clothes I went in wearing, but so thankful that I knew they were right instead of wearing them because I always had done. And sticking with the metaphor I’m so happy for those who went in and came out wearing something else, that’s wonderful!

But knowing for a definite fact that I was a woman, and felt uncomfortable being referred to as anything else, I came to realize i was a lesbian, and a lot of the exploration I went through was subconsciously coming to terms with that. I didn’t want to be a man, I was just gay and still blinded by heteronormativity and compulsive heterosexuality.

Now I come to gender presentation, different to identity. I don’t post images of myself online (at least not in fandom spaces, i keep my personal things separate) but I am very feminine. Having these explorations before also made me realise I do prefer the feminine. There are specific sorts of presentations and even identities that come with being lesbian in a society that is so male focused, while having no interest in men. These seem to have been a lot harder for me to figure out.

How do you be masculine while having no desire for or to be a man? How do you be feminine when you have no desire to be with men as society expects you to be. Do the makeup and hair dye and dresses I wear mean I present less queer?

I’m a woman, there’s no difference in me gender-wise to any woman who is not a lesbian, yet it feels like a totally different experience. Maybe I’m still coming to terms with it or maybe lesbianism truly is something entirely different in a society that values men over anything else.

Any other opinions from lesbians, transgender people, or nonbinary people would be greatly welcomed, but this is also a musing post rather than a philosophy, argument, or an identity

[alexawynters]

Question to the trans men out there, I am in need of some advice, please!!!

(People from home I think I cleared you out but if I missed you and you see this post - no you didnt)

So this is probably weird and please don't judge me, but.. how did you always know you were a guy? How did you know, did you feel like you were trapped in the wrong body, or were there other clues?

Just asking because.. well.. just for some background, I am afab lesbian, but when I was little my daycare once asked me which Disney character I'd like to be and I apparently said "Aladdin ", and I think about that a lot.

I also think about how I always felt wrong growing up, and then I learned about lesbians and I thought "oh I'm not in the wrong body, I'm just a lesbian".

But.. I don't know? Haha. Weird. My friends say I'm way too feminine in my mannerisms to ever be a dude the few times I've jokingly brought it up. Not sure if that's just the patriarchy and toxic masculinity or if they're right and I'm just super confused lol 🙃 I will absolutely give them that I do have what are considered to be feminine mannerisms and I am absolutely very in touch with my emotions (I will cry at the drop of a hat - I'm squishy, don't yell at me).

I've always been friends with girls, I've always liked/loved girls. I know for a fact I'm attracted to women, and I'm not overly fond of men. The few male friends I have are usually trans men, or gay men, but even they are few and far between.

I love video games, I love adventurous things like horse back riding or going to the shooting range, but I also love when my girl friends want to come spill the tea, I get super giddy, like come on girrrlll, spill! He said wHAT?! The AUDACITY!

But also I hate my body. Total body dysmorphia, I cry and vomit when I have to look in the mirror too long. To be clear this is not just because I am over weight although that certainly doesn't help. My tits are DDD and I mean they're fantastic if I wanna wear a blouse (barf), but if I wanna wear a t-shirt it makes like this weird shelf I hate it.

I look at men's bodies, even those not super fit, and I'm envious. The jaw, the shoulders. The fit of the clothes, ughhh I wish my clothes fit ME like that! I've tried! Multiple exercises, I've seen masc women say get rid of your curves to help build that physique but it never seems to do the job. Everyone compliments me on my highly hourglass figure. I hate it.

I see tiktok and Tumblr posts of trans men who are almost fully transitioned, and they look so happy in themselves, so confident. They look like how *I* want to look.

Growing up, any time I tried to wear anything I felt remotely comfortable in, my mother would say I looked like a "dyker-biker" (wtf even is that insult, mom???). Which isn't inherently anything bad, but the way she said it always made me feel like I should be ashamed, so I feel like I learned to avoid wearing the clothes I actually wanted to wear.

I hate dresses and skirts. I don't care what temperature it is outside. I would rather die than wear either. Shorts, pants, or nothing.

I've sort of tried to broach the topic with friends as I mentioned, and they always say I'm too feminine, or I would have to be gay (no offense men, no thank you). Don't get me wrong our entire friend group is queer lf some sort with the exception of two token straight friends, so the topic should be safe with them if I qanted to bring it up more seriously. But the brushing it off has me terrified. They used to talk about a former friend of ours for example when we were in college and you know figuring ourselves out, who used to waffle between their identity and we all (I'm ashamed to say I went along eith it) said they were just doing it for the attention or to go with the flavor of the month.

Well.. I don't want them to think that about me. Karma is a bitch haha. Especially not my best friend. She's been my best friend for almost two decades, we've had ups and downs, we've grown, we've been through everything together. She's like my sister. I don't know what I would do if I figured this out, made some decision, and lost her because of it.

I know that's doing her and our friendship a disservice, we have grown, we aren't in hs or college anymore. She is the most caring and understanding person I've ever met, but I'm so, so scared.

That's not even to speak of my family. My mother took twenty five years to properly accept that I'm gay. She nearly crashed the car when I first came our (not my best timing tbf). My mother and I have finally made great strides in repairing our relationship, I'm not sure I want to rock the boat with even trying to figure this out.

I thought when I moved from Mississippi to Denver that I would leave everything and everyone behind and start over completely so I could figure this out. That didn't happen because life is fucking expensive and I ended up moving with some friends back home, I haven't really made any new friends and I certainly haven't let go of the old. I'm terrified to explore any of this, but I'm so tired of feeling miserable and not feeling like I'm myself. I don't know who that person is yet but I'm 34 and I want to finally finally figure that out and then be them.

So I guess I'm wondering, how do you know? How do you know who you are? And is it possible that I could just be a straight man in a woman's body? While still maintaining my mannerisms? Or maybe I'm just supposed to be a butch 'bean? But that doesn't feel right either. Idk lol pls send help haha I'm not crying while I write this or anything it's fine.

Also sorry this is all over the place.

[femme-historian]

Hii :)

If I don’t bother and you accept questions I would really like to talk about something it‘s more of a question and if you‘re not comfortable talking about this please feel free to ignore it. But I saw a lot of discourse again lately on the topic of bisexual butches. And I personally have always thought these labels like femme and butch are only lesbians labels because it’s also mostly shown like that on the internet but then I saw a documentary „gender outlaw“ with Leslie Feinberg in it talking for a really short moment about bi butches and I was/still am kind confused because I also saw a lot of people with the butch flag as their profile pic but with „bi“ in their bio. I really don’t know what to think about it because it‘s not my place to say how anyone identifies but I thought butch/femme was also about distancing yourself from men completely. But when I saw Leslie Feinberg (my favourite lesbian icon) talking about it it really got me thinking. But on the other hand maybe they just said bi butches because their wasn‘t that much other labels for masc presenting bi women these days and nowadays a lot of bi women call themselves masc which I personally feel more comfortable with instead of them calling themselves „bi butches“.. I don‘t know really. I’m not trying to be disrespectful or anything. English is not my first language so I hope I didn’t write anything harmful but this topic really bothers me. I asked someone before on here which has helped me a bit but I couldn’t take their answer completely serious because they also said that bi women/butches dating men would make their relationship queer.. and I really wouldn’t go that far..

Can you please tell me your thoughts on this ?

Hi! I apologize for the late response. I understand your questioning. I think it can be generative for us to look in the past to base our understandings of “Self.” Butch-femme is a departure from heterosexism and patriarchy. Butches and femmes do not have to be butch-femme (as in coupled; these identities exist separately as well) I can’t speak for butches or bisexuals, but yes, bisexual people who self-identified as butch did exist. But when we study the past, we have to make sure to yes, see reflections of ourselves but also not flatten the complexities of their identities! We don’t know for certain if every bisexual butch identified with Butch as an identity and not just an aesthetic.

From what I understand talking to lesbian elders, butch as a descriptor was also used to describe loosely ‘masculine’ fashion and dress alongside being used derogatorily. However, the past is not the only place to generate identifications. It’s not my place to police other people’s identities. Bisexual butches exist simply because people identify as that! It really is that simple! I will say that butch and femme are primarily Lesbian identifications. Just like anything from the past, especially Queer histories, there were people who disagreed and agreed on whether butch and femme should only be exclusive to lesbians. The fact that you see multiple perspectives doesn’t mean someone is right or wrong per se, but you are seeing the multiplicity and beauty of Queer history!

As for bisexual butch cis women who date cishet men and call their relationships queer…. I wouldn’t say that’s queer at all! Because they read as a heterosexual couple.

This is long and hope it helps!

XOXO

bunny (the femme historian)

[livepoultryfreshkilled]

i think the reason i feel more personally connected to the butch community than the transmasc/trans men community is bc the latter is less a cohesive community and more of a gender which is a VERY broad category. butches and butchness i think is closest to how politically and emotionally i process my gender IDENTITY--i am a man, but my life has not been that of a cis man’s life.

i’ve shied away from the term butch because i’ve identified as a man for nearly half my life and i’ve worried those terms are incompatible unless i identify with womanhood and i simply cant do that. like i am not capable of identifying myself as a woman in any capacity. 

HOWEVER, while i know i am a man, i also know that i do not navigate the world as a cis man. there is little that separates me from many other butches--who go by he/him, go on t, seek top surgery, and present masculinely--other than the fact that some of them identify as lesbians or women in addition to their butchness. i also don’t pass: unless i inform people, i’m generally clocked as a woman, who is dressed like a man, by others. in this way i have ended up navigating more of my life in a public way as the identity of “butch” rather than the identity of “man,” trans or not.

the descriptions of masculinity that have always resonated most with me have been those of butches; alison bechdel’s works have been a huge part of my life since i was around 7, i remember a line in “push” by sapphire about jermaine, who is first described by the narrator as a butch in the derogatory sense, about how she doesn’t dress “like a man,” she dresses like herself (i couldn’t find the exact quote) and that really struck me. i’ve never felt like i “wanted” to be a man, i always felt like i was myself, and “man” was just one of the things that described me. i’ve also seen a lot of butches share this sentiment.

this isn’t to say that other trans men don’t feel this way, this isn’t really to say anything. i just think that the gender of “man” is far too unspecific and contains too much to be an accurate descriptor of my identity, and i want to openly and explicitly identify myself: i am butch. i am a butch.

again, this is just for me. i just thought it’d feel good to say it, and it did. :)

[terra-feminarum]

I just realised a very interesting thing about the trans movement in countries where it is not as big. Growing up, I was GNC without even knowing I was GNC. And I received backlash for it from EVERYONE. Everyone expected me to dress feminine (like my mother) just because I also happened to be conventionally attractive like her. But I always knew I was a lesbian and I hated makeup and dresses and loved functional, comfortable clothing yada yada yada. Later on in life I had a girlfriend ask me “have you considered identifying as non binary or a trans man”? And I took a moment to think about it and realised that, no, it never even crossed my mind. I was never really that involved in trans activism or content or anything like that, I had no trans people around me in my small town in my conservative country so the thought never even happened. And I told her “no, not really I’ve always enjoyed being a woman. I don’t want to use other pronouns, and I don’t think there’s anything that trans men can do that I also wouldn’t be able to do as a woman”. I have been living in a Western country for 3 years however and I am surrounded by trans people and the pro trans movement and just generally there is A LOT of information. If I had seen all of it when I was younger? Who knows what I might have identified as, just to escape the judgement that I faced from simply dressing in suits and whatnot. I think access to information about trans experiences can definitely play a role in how people perceive their identity. I don’t think it will necessarily “brainwash” anyone, but it just uses the wrong kind of language sometimes to describe feelings of inadecuacy perpetuated by the patriarchy.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I'm sorry people didn't accept you when you were younger.

I think I agree with you, I really wonder how it affects young GNC women to see so much stuff about trans masculinity and to get asked often whether they're non-binary or a man? How will it affect how they see themselves?

To me it seems like people now have very narrow view on womanhood and any deviation from the norm means you're not a woman at all.

I think what the GNC women need right now is more visibility. We want to read books about us, we want to see pride events aimed at us. We just want to know being us is a viable option. That we're not alone. That there are people like us. I want young GNC women to see they don't have to identify out of womanhood just for being GNC.