#people can be really really weird about self harm scars but I also don't wanna trigger anyone

[skellagirl]

YES TO ALL OF THESE 🥰🥰🥰 tbh as someone with acne scars (mainly bc of dermatillomania, which means I like, ALWAYS have fresh scars) we Should have more characters with them lol, and yeah, I get where people are coming from with the plastic surgery/make up angle but also I really like juxtaposing very powerful, 'perfect' (whether depicted as such or depicted as Seeing themselves as such lol) characters with sort of... inherently Human traits. And with Vlad especially it's fun to give him marks of the accident that he cannot escape :))))) so I get what people are going for but to ME at least, plastic surgery/makeup sort of kind of defeats a big amount of the fun of giving him acne scars in the first place

AND YAY I UNDERSTOOD THE ASSIGNMENT (for once in my life lmao 😭)

I put two examples under the readmore if anyone wants to see how I've done them in the past? These are a couple years old now. They're heavily cropped so nothing is showing/explicit but they're still, yknow, cropped from porn so Be Aware Of That lol. Like I mentioned in my other reblog of this post I gotta get better at remembering to put them on him in uhhh. regular art lol, cause this is a headcanon I like very much :)

--

All the Danny Phantom artists who draw Danny with lichtenberg figures should, logically, also draw Vlad with acne scars, but they won’t. The world isn’t ready for that yet.

[brainrot-yumm]

tw: third year anniversary of ending one of the worst points in my life uwu so mental health issues SH talk Past thoughts of suicide talk

I'm very not used to people following this account man. Genuinely this is gonna be a very personal ramble I'll be having so be warned. I know since this is online it was always gonna be seen but I'm not used to it. Luckily this didn't happen while my account was peaking or else there'd be a lot more issues than needed.

So! Halloween was my 3 year anniversary of not killing myself, and today (or yesterday as of 4 hours ago) is my 3 year anniversary of going clean from self-harm. It's a bit ironic how I was actually contemplating hurting myself during these days, legitimately not as a relapse thing but because I have some chest acne that's been bothering me and turning them into scabs tends to make them go away faster. I don't count that as self-harm at all since it's not emotionally based on release but more as a weird side effect that I can now do thanks to my self-inflicted high pain tolerance. This anniversary is especially important to me because it's been six years since I planned to die. So now I've spent about as much time suicidal as I've spent recovering. Though it's more like 3 and a half years, so check back next June.

I know it's poor taste to say, but there are a few good things that came from all this mixed in the ocean of terribleness. I genuinely like my scars (how they feel, look, represent). I don't think they make me look better than before but I don't think they retract from my appearance at all. I get tattoos now instead of hurting myself to get the same meaning in a healthier way though. I also love having a high pain tolerance, it gives me more options on how to live my life and keeps me from hurting as much in general. And now that I'm hyper-obsessed with not becoming an abuser like my intrusive thoughts say I will inevitably be, I'm learning a lot about myself and how I function in order to work around and fight against impulses. Uh. And that's all the good things. And I could go on for hours about everything else and the rest is all bad.

I think I'm doing a lot better than I was last year. It's honestly strange. I kind of feel like I'm experiencing my childhood again, because everything's normal now. Middle school and puberty has been associated with being traumatized to me, so now that everything is normal and nobody is hurting me (and it's so fucked up how that tremendously traumatic experience is really just a 7-year event that could have happened to anyone, that I can just stumble upon trauma and will inevitably stumble into pain like that again against my will it's so fucked), it feels like I'm a kid again. A very, very, very, very busy kid. A kid who needs naptime and eats too much candy for Halloween and can still kind of summersault and somehow still has too many expectations for the world. I'm hoping maybe I can reclaim some of the hope I used to have. Normalcy feels nostalgic to me I guess.

But yeah, I'm doing better. I'm always tired, I cry pretty much daily, I have the emotional maturity/understanding of a 12-year-old, and despite having been in the semester for like 11 weeks I still haven't scheduled an appointment with the counseling center, but I got diagnosed with ADHD, I'm having more fun with my fashion than ever, I fully understand and accept myself as trans despite being so cis-passing, and apparently I see myself as worthy enough to ask my splat out. I wasn't able to ask her out on Halloween, mostly cuz I knew she was too busy and didn't wanna burden her further. However we eat lunch together now and if I can get my rizz together I might ask her for dinner. I was not able to see myself as worthy enough for another relationship last year.

I'm happy to be alive. I've always been happy to be alive. It's just that I spent so long not living that I stopped thinking there was a point. And now I'm alive again. It's nice.

[alo-piss-trancy]

Ok hi, I didn't wanna say anything, but please don't write knifeplay/bloodplay for Yuri. I def don't wanna spoil anything, but it's learned on a certain route that Yuri has a s*lf h*rm problem (I'll leave it at that).

You honestly seem like you're not trying to be a jerk with this ask, so I'm going to do my best to answer this as politely as possible without compromising my personal beliefs on the matter. This is going to be long and a little serious, but please note I'm not attacking you or trying to start a debate. I'm just laying all my thoughts on this down at once so I make myself clear, because a short answer would leave a lot of nuance out.

I understand what you're trying to do here. For the record though, I also considered that a pretty massive spoiler and I did not appreciate that at all. Even if you all think you're 'helping', don't do that again. Y/uri was pretty much the only character I'd managed to avoid most spoilers on and you killed the surprise for me. This game is already so full of fluffy 'filler' in the beginning that I don't have a ton of big plot points to look forward to in each route.

Now, I realise this is a very delicate topic and incredibly triggering to some people, especially with those two things combined. I am 100% willing to tag it with just about any variation needed to ensure you or others affected can blacklist/block it and never have to see a word of it in the future. I'd also be happy to go back and tag that original text post I made if needed. I mean that. You all are welcome to ask me to tag things anytime, and so long as you're polite about it I'm perfectly willing to oblige to the best of my ability in future posts! If I occasionally forget, just toss me a light reminder and I'll jump into editing and add it in.

That said, I want to make it clear that I am very firmly against censorship. I'm willing to take all necessary precautions to ensure people can curate their experiences on this blog and AO3, but at the end of the day I can still post whatever fictional stuff I choose to. As can anyone else. Same goes for more formally published media.

Now, it's entirely possible I would have gotten to that part of the game and decided 'oh dang, I'm not so enthused about that fic idea anymore...'. My whims and ideas change frequently, and what you mentioned is a heavy topic with a lot to unpack and process. It's also entirely possible that future plot would only provide more fuel.

Fyi, when I originally mentioned the knifeplay I was actually thinking a lot more along the lines of her doing it to the protagonist, not the reverse. But for the record, if I did choose to write it with focus on Y/uri, I would still be well within my rights to.

This next part of my answer is going to address some heavy topics, this is your warning!!!

Sometimes people's kinks are a way to take a thing that is personally scary or upsetting to them and find a way to reverse it. To find pleasure or power or get used to the idea of the awful thing in a safe, controlled fashion. I'm not going to go into the full details on this because there's plenty of explanation and research elsewhere already written up, as well as an excellent book on the subject, and I'm not turning this blog into a discourse debate. But I needed to mention it for my point.

There are plenty of stories that could be explored with Y/uri in this context. Did she have this kink before the self harm events started and it was completely unrelated, or did she develop it afterwards? How did she discover it beforehand? If developed afterwards, did it start out as another way of harming mixed with pleasure in a self-destructive way, often done sloppily and without proper technique? Or was it strictly used as almost exposure therapy to deal with those urges and thoughts in a safer, more contained scenario, maybe even allowing the partner she trusted to wield the knife to prove their bond/reinforce that she can be loved without being hurt deeply, that she is worthy of affection and trust and loyalty. Maybe this finally helps give Y/uri a tool to embrace her 'weirdness' without harming herself and others. Or, what if she thinks it can be a useful tool and is sure she's ready, but partway through the scene she gets triggered or has flashbacks... how does she deal with it? How does her partner? Can it be overcome with effort, research, and taking things slowly, or does she realize this kink is actually completely off the table for her?

What if she has this kink and is excited to try it, but her partner isn't? How does she take that rejection? Or do her poor social skills mean she skipped negotiation to begin with and attempted it in the middle of a vanilla session? Would her partner freak out or even get mad, or try to swallow their fear and let her do it so they don't hurt/offend her, even at the cost of their own comfort?

This topic also opens a ton of potential plots for darkfic, but I'll refrain from discussing that out of respect for you and others.

So as you can see, there's much more to explore than 'Knife=Hot'. I believe those discussions and ideas are necessary and provide important fuel for thought when explored fictionally, especially since mainstream media doesn't cover a lot of them.

~~~

I feel I should take a second to clarify knifeplay for those who may be unaware. It doesn't always equate to actual cutting/drawing blood. That can be an aspect, but usually only by those far more experienced and, you know, actually into that. A lot of participants don't actually go that far. Mostly, it's either about the physical sensation of the knife touching you at all, or the adrenaline/controlled fear and intimate trust of a partner bringing an object like that so close/teasing you with it.

In fact, it's frequently advised in those circles (especially to newcomers) to use a dull butterknife instead, because it simulates the same feelings of metal on skin/can dig in a little without any real risk of cutting/drawing blood. Even if one chooses to use a different knife, it's still pretty common to dull the blade, or some people even substitute with a closed pair of scissors (combined with the partner blindfolded, you can't really tell it apart from the real thing).

These versions of knifeplay are well controlled and ultimately pretty harmless, so long as both parties know what they're doing and stay alert. And more experienced players with sharper knives are even more cautious/have studied extensively to know where/how deep to go without risking scarring/serious injury.

Remember the golden rules of kink: Safe. Sane. Consensual.

With those in place, it is not nearly the same as self harm. Just as controlled, consensual, well-negotiated BDSM with safewords, respected boundaries and a trusted partner is never in the same league as abuse.

~~~

Now that that's out of the way, back to my point:

There's no perfect representation or narrative for everyone, in any group (be that gender/sexuality/triggered by certain things, etc). Every human being is different, everyone interprets media differently, and everyone takes away different elements from stories.

What one person in a particular group may find cathartic, relateable, or painful but necessary food for thought, another may find completely repulsive, personally hurtful, offensive, something they can't stand to hear. And guess what? Both of those can be true at the same time. One side is not immediately right over the other.

There are queer characters or interpretations of them in fics that I vehemently despise, might even find hurtful or sickening and think 'how can anyone create this, it's insufferable! People in 'my group' aren't like that, it's a horrible representation. I can't relate to it at all!' But you know what? Other people can and do, may find comfort in those exact narratives and experiences, may heal their pain instead of inflicting more. And that's great. It's what they needed or wanted and if I don't like it, I click away and do my best to avoid it.

There are specific tropes and narrative themes I personally cannot get through without being triggered into anxiety attacks or dragged back to bad times and places in my life. Sometimes I see them tackled in ways that are hurtful or seem insensitive to me. But I recognise that for someone else, it's exactly what they needed to see to get through that or come to terms with it, or see a way they wish that thing could play out. I would never dream of telling those people they aren't allowed to enjoy it, OR telling the creator of that piece of media or a tv show 'Hey ummm please don't use this plot because it turns me into a human wreck for a week'. Because it's not remotely my place to do so. They can create whatever they want, they have no responsibility towards me or my well being. A few might be kind enough to include a warning at the beginning of that episode or in the description, but they are in no way required to. It's up to me to curate my experience and try to keep my guard up/research what might have those tropes, and in the rare occasions I get blindsided, yeah, it hurts like hell. I struggle, I might even backslide a bit. But I just have to try my best to deal with it and make a note to be more careful next time. Because you can't control the world around you, not even the online world, and you have absolutely no right to. The only right you have is to protect yourself without infringing on other people's boundaries/rights.

And there's also another important point. There doesn't have to be a big important point or explanation for why a creator creates something, or why consumers can enjoy that creation! If someone wants to create a plotline with all of my triggers used in the most 'insensitive', 'wrong', pointless ways possible, strictly for Entertainment or pure kink material instead of some deep dissection of the issues involved? They can go hog wild!!! They are 100% allowed to do so on this earth, and I can't (and wouldn't want to) do a thing to stop them.

One person can read a kink fic and it hits a very emotional theme for them/they think it explores a deep topic well. Another person can read that same fic and get nothing out of it except their rocks off. Both of those readers are completely equal and 'allowed' to enjoy that fic. Both reasons are completely valid reasons for why the creator was 'allowed' to post/create that fic in the first place. Nobody needs permission, nobody has to answer to anybody except themselves. Period. This extends to any topic, any type of fic.

Yes, even for things I find absolutely abhorrent and insensitive and don't understand/want to read ever. I may resent everything about its existence, but I will defend to death the creator's right to make it exist in the first place.

It only affects me if I let it affect me. If someone's making content I despise or am upset by and can't handle, I can choose to ignore or avoid them, blacklist those tags, I can block them and move on with my day. I can do anything within my own bubble, but the second I consider going into their bubble and saying they can't make that thing, I am in the wrong. Because I'm not respecting their space and rights.

If someone makes cookies with ingredients I'm highly allergic to, pastes the ingredient warnings all over the box where I read them, and I still eat one, would anyone cheer me on for blaming them when I have a reaction? Would anyone think it was remotely okay of me to start calling up every bakery in town and saying they weren't allowed to bake those cookies EVER, because some people somewhere might be allergic?

No. They'd tell me I was crossing the line, because I'm infringing on other people's boundaries and lives. I'm expecting everybody else to take responsibility for something that, while horrible and painful, was my fault for touching.

Now, if someone sets out unlabelled cookies not realizing I'm allergic to something in them, and I eat it and have a reaction, that sucks. It's an awful experience. But is it the baker's fault? As long as they didn't do it maliciously, not really. They can be advised politely to label it in the future, and I can do my best to remember to ask/be more cautious next time I come across something I'm unsure of, but they're still allowed to bake those cookies for themselves and others.

Now, if I deliberately baked cookies with an ingredient that people are very frequently allergic to (ex. peanuts) and set it out in a crowded buffet without a warning label, that's a jerk move. That's intentionally trying to cause harm to others. But simply baking that flavour of cookies still isn't a crime or harmful by itself.

~~~

I'll be honest, I'm running out of steam and I think I've said most of what I have to say, so I'll wrap it up. I want to reiterate that I'm not ripping into you with this long answer, anon! I understand why you sent me what you did and I'm trying not to come off as harsh. I'm happy to go back and tag things and will tag anything else similar in the future!!! But at the end of the day, regardless of whether I personally end up writing that fic or not, or even want to after I get to that plot, I don't agree with telling anyone they can't/shouldn't write it at all. I wanted to try and explain my viewpoint thoroughly, and I hope you can respect that, just as I'll respect and try to accommodate you and other followers. This is the only time I'll really get up on a soapbox like this, and I have no interest in debating these things on my blog further, but it is a topic I've been passionate about all my life so I'm afraid I'm not budging on it.

[faewildscalling]

The Cursed Girl (Mescana)

This is an AU type one shot for @thewritingstar and @sobatsu 's fictober free day.

Cana POV:

I sigh and look out the window of my tower. My animal friends bring me more booze. I thank them and drink the boredom away. I've been locked this tower for years. I used to be a successful mage. Now I'm just the depressed drunk girl. Most people wouldn't mess with me.

One day, I refused to marry this Sorcerer that approached me. He thought I was beautiful but I wasn't interested.  As punishment for refusing him, he cursed me to be a monster during the day. I'm normal at nighttime. He also locked me up and left me here to rot. I've tried to break the spell but my power seems not to work. What the hell did he do to me? I'm not sure but I hate it. I'm no longer myself.

I look out the window once more. What else could I do? I start feeling the booze.  At least when I'm drunk its not as bad. I see a figure approaching the tower. I hide away in the shadows. It's still daytime. I don't want anyone to see me like this. 

I watch from the shadows as a rough looking man comes in. He has a scar on his cheek and his hair looks a bit wild. What is he doing here? He explores the area. I backup and accidentally knock over a bottle of booze. His head whips around to my hiding spot. We both freeze with wide eyes. I'm internally panicking.

"Who are you?" He asked curiously. "Just go ahead and leave. I'm bad luck, man." I say fearfully. He squints trying to see me. "Come on out. Please, I'm not gonna harm you." He says. "No! I don't want anyone to see me. Isn't that obvious?" I snap at him. He then walks over to me. I back away till my back hits the wall. Shit! He looks at me now that he's closer. "What are you?" He looks more curious than anything else.

"I'm a monster obviously or are you blind?" I reply. "Then why do you have a human voice and human eyes?" He says. I frown and decide to tell him the truth. "I'm human but only at night. I've been cursed to be this monster by day. Now go on and run away!" I reply bitterly. "How about I try to help you break the curse?" He asked. "I can't break it on my own. The guy who put it on me must be a powerful sorcerer. How could you possibly help me if I can't do a damn thing about it myself?" I ask. "I'm a mage and know of a place full of other mages. I could teleport us there and maybe someone can break the curse or tell us how to break it. I'm sure someone has to know." He smiles.

He looks trustworthy when he smiles instead of his serious face. I down some more booze. "Sure, can we go at night though? I don't like people seeing me like this. I'd rather not be chased by an angry mob." I say as I gesture to my beast like appearance. I swear it's like a reverse version of being a werewolf. "Sure at nightfall we can teleport there." He replied. "T-teleport? I don't know to teleport!" I blurt out. He chuckles at my surprised face.

"Just hold on to me and I'll do all the work." He says. "By the way my name is Mest Gryder. You?" He raises an eyebrow. "The name is Cana Alberona. Nice to meet ya." I reply. I then take another drink. Nightfall will be soon. Then I'll be back to normal.

**time skip**

The sun sets and finally I feel my body returning to normal. A glow surrounds my body and I become my normal self. I'm a brunette with long wavy hair and purple eyes. Mest looks up with a surprised expression and turns away with a slight blush. I'm wearing a bikini top and a skirt.

"Yo Mest, Nice to meet you in my natural state." I say smirking. I grab a bottle of booze and down the whole thing. "Ready to go to Fairy Tail?" He asked. I raise a brow. "What exactly is Fairy Tail? You didn't explain earlier." I say suspiciously. It's a mage guild were people get work and make alliance or teams." You can probably find someone who can help lift the curse." He replies.

I nod and he grabs my arm. I feel my stomach lurch then we are in a different place. I look around to see what looks like a large tavern with an upstairs and a job board. This place is so much better than my tower. I head straight to the bar and order a drink from the pretty bartender with long white hair. Mest just sighs and goes to a small old man and a short blue haired girl. After speaking they walk over and introduce themselves.

"Welcome to Fairy tail. My name is Makarov. I'm the master here. Mest said you need our help breaking a curse?" He asked. "Yeah. During the day I'm cursed to be a werewolf like monster. At night I'm what you see here. Some creep cursed me cause I refused to marry him. Never going near that jerk again. If I ever do seem him...well, let's just say he's getting a major ass kicking." I huffed and gulped down the drink the barmaid named Mira set down for me.

The master nodded and the blue haired girl who said her name was Levy looked deep in thought. Then her eyes lit up and she ran off to I'm guessing a library. I shrug and ask for a barrel. Mira hands it to me and I happily chug some of it. Mest pulls me away from the bar. I started protesting.

"Let's help Levy. Don't you want to break the curse?" He asked seriously. I sigh and pout but agree. We walk into a massive library. Levy looks up with these red glasses on. "I found it. Basically it's a cliche curse." She says. "And what does that mean, Little blue?" I asked.

"So it says a kiss from your soul mate will break it. I call them cliche curses cause it's like a fairy tale curse almost." she states. "So I gotta find love and kiss the guy? How the hell am I supposed to find my soulmate?" I asked. Levy shrugged. Mest looks up. "I guess you need to hang out and find someone who accepts both parts of you like I did. It's not impossible." He shrugs. I slightly blush. Now that I think of it, he is the first one to accept me. I wonder what the rest of this guild will think tomorrow.

Mest offers to let me stay at his place. I accept and we go there. "Thank you for all your help. I really appreciate it. I still think you're strange." I tell him on the way. "I don't mind helping. No one deserves to be cursed. " He says. I wonder where he got his scar. He must have gone through his share of hard times. I lay down on the couch and fall asleep.

I wake in the morning as a beast. I sigh and grab some booze. Mest walks in and greets me like I'm a normal person. I tell him how I don't wanna go anywhere as a beast. So he decides to stay with me at the house. We talk as I drink. I get the urge to mess with his hair. I run my fingers through his hair gently and unconsciously trace his scar. He blushes and leans away. I noticed what I was doing. "S-sorry. Alcohol."  I quickly blame it on that.

I feel at ease with him and I've never had that before. I wouldn't mind him being my soulmate even if he is a but weird. I saw him eat a flower cause he wanted to know how it tasted....like that's just odd. We hang out till I turn into my normal self. I challenge him to a drinking contest. I win obviously but then I'm distracted by him  playing with my hair. I blush and push him away. He falls over and laughs then comes up to me looking more sober.

"Your gorgeous Cana. Even as a beast and I mean it." He looks sober and serious. I look up at him and he pulls me into a kiss. My eyes widen in surprise before I wrap my arms around him bury my fingers into his hair and deepening the kiss. He had a hand on my lower back and the back on my head, buried into my hair.  A glow surrounds us and we look outside to see we stayed up all night drinking and hanging out. Its sunrise but I'm not transforming. The curse is broken. I look at Mest and smile. "Look it's broken. The sappy shit was true. Guess you're my soulmate, ya weirdo." He kisses me again and we head over to the guild to tell them the good news.