#people are people and the people of westeros are just as prone to romanticism as we are

[nobodysuspectsthebutterfly]

Idk if you've answered this before, but why is Rhaegar still so revered by the people of Westeros? Yes, he was the perfect prince with the harp and skill and whatnot, but regardless of what actually happened between him and Lyanna, it's more or less agreed upon that he kidnapped her. How are people like Kevan, Cersei, Barristan and Jaime ignoring this? Robert takes it too far, but even the others seem to think nothing of the fact that it was an official kidnapping, almost to the point of denial.

First of all, please consider the sources here. The Lannisters were Targaryen loyalists up until Rhaegar’s death. (Well, Tywin was fence-sitting, and only nominally loyal at that point anyway, but still he wasn’t officially part of the rebels until he began the Sack of King’s Landing; and Jaime was loyal until the middle of the Sack.) Barristan went down at the Battle of the Trident fighting for Rhaegar and Aerys… and he never truly lost his loyalty to the Targaryens, in his heart, despite Robert’s generous pardon. Jaime knows it was right to kill Aerys because of his crimes, though he’s haunted by guilt for it anyway, but he’s literally haunted for failing Rhaegar. Cersei dreamed of marrying Rhaegar, and still believes the wrong man came back from the Trident. If you asked any of them, they’d say it was Aerys’s crimes that brought down House Targaryen, not Rhaegar’s.

Secondly, for just about everyone except Robert and the Starks, Rhaegar’s kidnapping of Lyanna is framed as something romantic, done out of passionate love for her. And when I say romantic, I mean chivalric romance, courtly love. Think Lancelot and Guinevere, or Tristan and Isolde – both of which are stories of adultery, yet where the cheating lovers are held almost blameless by the narrative because of the pureness of their love, because of their destiny to be together, etc. (Though of course they’re also grand tragedies where almost everyone dies.) The people of Westeros are no more immune to the power of romantic stories than we are… less so, in fact. (Consider TWOIAF and GRRM’s DotD novellas, how often the maesters Yandel and Gyldayn keep ranting about how the singers have gotten history so wrong.) And Rhaegar presenting Lyanna with the rose crown of the Queen of Love and Beauty, choosing her above all other beautiful women (including his wife) at the grandest tourney in Westeros, is remembered as a deeply romantic moment. (Further on this topic, consider the romantic connotation of the word “ravishment”, as opposed to “rape” or “kidnapping”; and note the distinction is not all that modern, especially in chivalric romance.)

Thirdly, Westeros is a very patriarchal, misogynist society, highly prone to victim-blaming. (Not unlike our own.) Dany was told by Viserys growing up that if only she had been born earlier Rhaegar would not have needed to marry Elia, he would have been happy with no need to find another wife. (Blaming Elia for making Rhaegar cheat and guilting Dany for not being born, at the same time – heck of a job, Vissy.) Dany even asks Barristan if it’s true that Elia treated Rhaegar so badly, for him to seek out another. Cersei, Kevan, Jon Connington – they all blame Elia for not being “worthy of Rhaegar”. And when they’re not blaming Elia, they’re blaming Lyanna and her “wild beauty” for making Rhaegar stray. (And it’s not just the characters doing this – I still remember this c.2012 Tourney at Harrenhal fanfic where Lyanna is this seductive little temptress viciously reveling in her power over Rhaegar… ffs, she was fourteen.) But either way, it’s never the man’s fault – it’s the other woman that’s the homewrecker, or it’s the fault of the unworthy shrewish wife that drove him away.

And lastly, as you say, Rhaegar was the perfect prince, handsome and noble and valiant and talented. Little things called facts aren’t going to change this rose-colored vision for the people who saw him that way. “Almost to the point of denial”, heh… it’s not just almost. Just look at how these characters view the incident: “Rhaegar battling the Usurper in the bloody waters of the Trident and dying for the woman he loved”, “[he] stole her away from her betrothed”, “If he loved you, he would come and carry you off at swordpoint, as Rhaegar carried off his northern girl,” “Prince Rhaegar loved his Lady Lyanna,” and so on. So for these people, Rhaegar didn’t kidnap Lyanna – he took her away (from her unworthy betrothed), carried her off, because he was in love. He was tempted by beauty, he was lost to passion… but it’s not his fault, it doesn’t make him wrong or bad. (Though it is interesting to note that while there is a constant refrain that Rhaegar loved Lyanna, none ever say how Lyanna felt about it.) If they even acknowledge that it was a crime, then it was a crime of passion, a crime of love (“the things I do for love”)… and love forgives all.

So… I hope this helps you understand. And again, note it’s not just the characters of Westeros who feel this way about Rhaegar – because of how GRRM has framed the story of Rhaegar and Lyanna, because of the general romantic inclination of fantasy fans, it’s no wonder that the tendency to romanticize and forgive Rhaegar is prevalent in the fandom as well. (There’s so much beautiful romantic R/L fanart. So much.) So even if the truth turns out to be far more complicated, I’m sure there will still be people overlooking Rhaegar’s actual genuine problems for this idealized romantic view. (Though for me, Rhaegar just makes me feel disappointed and sad, and I don’t expect GRRM will tell me anything that’ll change that.)

[thelegendofclarke]

Sadly, girls’ trauma is more likely to be missed than that of boys… Girls tend to react by becoming “people pleasers”. It’s as if they see trauma as a punishment, and hope that they can avoid it by being “good”. They will talk less, work harder, always be springing up ready to help anyone with anything at the slightest indication they may want it. They watch the emotional states of adults like a hawk and soothe, placate and offer practical help at the slightest sign of anger or displeasure. As this is the kind of behavior encouraged in girls, no one takes any notice until it’s too late. (x)

This quote just reminds me so much of Sansa Stark and how what so many people point to as her condemning character flaws and defining weaknesses also happen to be incredibly common behavioral manifestations of trauma and coping mechanisms for victims of abuse and domestic violence.

In canon, Sansa is nothing if not a people pleaser. All through out the series, Sansa often times finds herself in situations that cause her to feel extreme fear and helplessness. Her monsters may be human but the terror they cause her and the abuse they inflict upon her is just as real as any other fantasy monster. But, unlike in many fantasy trope and narratives, there is no hero coming to save her, because in Sansa’s story “there are no heroes.” Additionally, even those she would have considered heroes for slaying her monster Joffrey (Olenna Tyrell) and for helping her flee Kings Landing (Ser Dontos and Peter Baelish) also end up betraying her in the end. And in some cases (such as that of Petyr Baelish) they being to become yet another monster she fears.

Sansa’s growing fixation on, and determination to be a “lady” and a “good girl” is, in large part, a behavioral manifestation of the trauma she has suffered and is continuing to experience. It is a character trait that becomes more and more distinct as she spends more and more time in Kings Landing and is subjected to more and more abuse. And as the above quote so aptly points out, it is exactly the standard of behavior that society (especially an extremely rigid patriarchal society like Westeros) encourages in, and often times imposes upon, young girls. 

Sansa uses ‘good girl’ to refer to the ideal, obedient lady she is meant to be as a means of coping and deflecting. It has become instinctual for her, a reflex, a survival mode, a means of trying to protect herself. Sansa’s major preoccupation is simply surviving and trying to avoid Joffrey’s own abuse of her and his abuse by proxy. Her “lady’s courtesy” has now become a survival strategy in the same way it is utilized by many domestic violence and abuse victims:

“She woke murmuring, ‘Please, please, I’ll be good, I’ll be good, please don’t’.” — AGoT

“Courtesy is a lady’s armor.” — ACoK

“[Ser Dontos] trotted his broomstick around her, shouting “Traitor, traitor” and whacking her over the head with the melon. Sansa covered herself with her hands, staggering every time the fruit pounded her, her hair sticky by the second blow. People were laughing. The melon flew to pieces. Laugh, Joffrey, she prayed as the juice ran down her face and the front of her blue silk gown. Laugh and be satisfied.” — ACoK

Joffrey frowned. Sansa felt that she ought to say something. What was it that Septa Mordane used to tell her? A lady’s armor is courtesy, that was it. She donned her armor and said, “I’m sorry my lady mother took you captive, my lord.” —Sansa addressing Tyrion, ACoK

You look very handsome and splendid this morning, Ser Boros,” Sansa told him. A lady remembered her courtesies, and she was resolved to be a lady no matter what. “And you, my lady” Ser Boros said in a flat voice. — AGoT (Ser Boros is one of the Kingsguard who Joffrey often orders to beat her)

Even during moments and in situations where she is completely terrified...

“The king was growing bored. It made Sansa anxious. She lowered her eyes and resolved to keep quiet, no matter what. When Joffrey Baratheon’s mood darkened, any chance word might set off one of his rages.” — ACoK

She made herself look at that face now, really look. It was only courteous, and a lady must never forget her courtesies. The scars are not the worst part, nor even the way his mouth twitches. It’s his eyes. She had never seen eyes so full of anger. “I… I should have come to you after,” she said haltingly. “To thank you, for… for saving me… you were so brave.” — ACoK

Or deeply unhappy and extremely uncomfortable...

When Sansa turned, the little man gazing up at her, his mouth tight, his face as red as her cloak. Suddenly she was ashamed of her stubbornness. She smoothed her skirts and knelt in front of him, so their heads were on the same level. — ASoS

Or seems to completely loose control of herself, her reactions, and her emotions... 

“I did as the queen asked, I wrote the letters, I wrote what she told me. You promised you’d be merciful. Please, let me go home. I won’t do any treason, I’ll be good, I swear it, I don’t have traitor’s blood, I don’t. I only want to go home. Remembering her courtesies, she lowered her head. “As it please you,” she finished weakly. — AGoT

She even remains mindful of her manners after her own assault and attempted rape by a mob... 

"Here, girl." Sandor Clegane knelt before her, between her and Joffrey. With a delicacy surprising in such a big man, he dabbed at the blood welling from her broken lip. The moment was gone. Sansa lowered her eyes. "Thank you," she said when he was done. She was a good girl, and always remembered her courtesies.— AGoT

She tries to remain polite and poised in order to survive in a hostile environment, but not because of vanity. She stays quiet and keeps her head down and tried to make herself as inconspicuous as possible, but not out of passivity. She clings to her courtesies as a way of hopefully pleasing and pacifying her abusers. She uses them as a means of self preservation. As a defense mechanism that will hopefully spare her from further abuse, and those mentioned above are just a few of the many, many examples. 

And I would argue that she displays plenty of other coping and compartmentalizing behaviors as well:

Acting manipulatively to feel she’s in control or maintain control of situations

Lashing out in anger or frustration when feeling scared or anxious or backed into a corner

Seeming difficulties displaying emotion/disassociation (i.e. being perceived, and often described, as “cold” and “frigid”)

But can also be prone to emotional outbursts and aggressive behavior

Difficulties trusting and opening up to others

Shame, guilt, embarrassment, and humiliation

Seeming dedication or devotion to, and trust in, their abusers

Distorted self-perception and distorted perceptions of others

Denial and dishonesty, both with themselves (The UnKiss) and others (”I swear he never touched me!”)

disillusionment with and abandonment of prior ideals (”There are no heroes, in life the monsters win.”)

These types of behavior are victims’ own desires to (metaphorically) arm themselves so as not to be vulnerable again. Sansa is not “frigid” or “cold” or an “ice queen,” she is just a (very young) lady trying to stay alive in a world where there are no heroes to protect her and she has none of the means, capabilities, or knowledge needed to physically protect herself. Instead, she has to protect herself using other means, she has to find ways to cope and keep going and stay alive. These behaviors aren’t simply vilifying character flaws, they aren’t weaknesses that render her unworthy of our trust or respect or the benefit of the doubt. They are Sansa’s armor. They are the way this Stark will endure. 

This isn’t me trying to “romanticize” or “white wash” or “woobify” Sansa’s character or “do her a disservice.” This is just presenting the idea that these character traits are not the narrative’s way of presenting her as a villain or an antagonist; but instead, they are it’s way of presenting her as a human and a victim.