#people are not at their most honest when theyre dysregulated

[alittlebitofrainbyyourside]

I think one thing a lot of the Laois/Toshiro conversation is missing is that like....

Just because someone who is currently upset lists off a series of rather small things that they hated.... doesn't mean they've always hated those things.

Or viewed them through that lense.

Right now a specific person in my Real Life is on my shit list. There is a very Real problem that they are making worse, they are 100% taking advantage of me and my willingness to make shit work when I have to. To be at my most venomous, I'd rather she just fucking steal from me because at least thieves recognize they're doing something wrong. Even if they justify it to themselves.

I don't feel like I can say anything because she's in a bad spot. I don't feel like I can say anything because I don't actually think saying something would change anything.

Which means that for weeks I have become an increasingly stewing ball of hate around everything dealing with her. I have drank the haterade. The way she breathes fucking annoys me right now. I have regularly in the last few weeks gone on rants about her to third parties about how much I despise her. How I think she's selfish. How she's my least favorite kind of social justice person- the kind that has all the theory right but doesn't actually give a single fuck about people in her life if it might inconvience her. How she thinks she's smarter than she is. How she's obnoxious.

Anything and everything she does is fair game right now to set me off. And it is all equal fodder in rants.

Except.... I don't actually care about 99% of it. 99% of it, if it weren't for the Actual Problem Between Us- would at worst gain an eye roll. Maybe on a bad day some of it would be genuinely annoying but I know that on average? It's shit I don't care about.

And I know that should the situation fix itself... and I'll be honest with you, not currently hopeful it will...

That I will go back to not caring about those things. Some of them I'm probably even fond of at times though the veil of agitation means I can't see that right now.

And like... I think there's a big chance that's the case with Toshiro and Laois too. That like, shit he maybe mildly finds annoying got thrown out there with a mix of things he actually disliked because he was pushed to the fucking edge. He hadn't eaten, he hadn't slept, and the woman he loves- who he went down into the dungeon to try and save- was saved... in a way that puts her in danger.

Thats Hella dysregulating. That is a 'I'm so upset that I'm going to throw everything in with the kitchen sink' situation of needing to vent and let it all out.

And idk I just think it's so important to remember that when people are pushed to the edge and snap... it's not necessarily the most honest version of themselves talking.

It's so weird to me that we view it that way societally.

And I think that's important to remember of our past, and our friends too.

When I have a migraine, I find my wife's singing annoying. I'm the kind of person who just... clamps my hands over my ears when I'm low on spoons and she understands... but if I were a different kind of person? There are worlds out there where a version of me would probably say something mean about her not knowing how to sing or to snap some shit about like 'why do you always have to be doing that? Do you just love the sound of your own voice?'

I know people like that. I used to find them so unbearably hypocritical. But I realize now they were just... dysregulated humans. They weren't being more honest when they were at their meanest, they were interpreting the world and their memories through that agitation and dysregulation.

That's my statement. Don't let someone's irritation and dysregularion be taken as facts. In life and in fiction.