#peaky blinders modern incorrect quotes

[ryuzakemo128]

Incorrect Quotes - Peaky Blinders ( Part Five)

(Part One / Part Two / Part Three / Part Four / Part Five / Part Six / Part Seven / Part Eight / Part Nine / Part Ten )

(Divider by this person here )

Aberama: A pessimist sees a dark tunnel. Thomas: An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel. Red: A realist sees a freight train. Alfie: The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks.

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Aberama: You deserve a reward for putting up with me. Alfie: You are my reward. *meanwhile* Red: You deserve a reward for putting up with me. Thomas: True, you can be really difficult at times.

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Aberama: You guys worried about Alfie? Red: Totally! Thomas: Yeah, they called me in the middle of the night and just yelled, "what do I do, what do I do, what do I do, what do I do?" Aberama: And what'd you say? Thomas: "I dunno, I dunno, I dunno, I dunno." Red:

Aberama: He's lucky to have you as a friend.

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Thomas: Who wants to go out of the country on a road trip? Alfie: Yea, I could drink legally! Red: I could hang out with the boys! Aberama: I could hide from the consequences of my actions.

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*The gang is learning CPR on a test dummy* Thomas: So, assessing the situation. Are they breathing? Red: No, Thomas. They are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs. Thomas: No, that’s not part of it— Red: Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what kind of quality of life do we have there? Aberama: I would want to live with no legs. Red: How about no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Person C. You don’t do anything. Thomas: All right, well, lets get back to it. ‘Cause you’re losing him. *Red pumps frantically* Okay, too fast. Everyone, we need to pump at a pace of a 100 beats per minute. Red: Okay, that’s uh, hard to keep track. How many is that per hour? Alfie: How’s that gonna help you? Red: I will divide and then count to it. Alfie: Right. Thomas: Okay. Well, a good trick is to pump to the tune of ‘Staying Alive’ by the Bee Gees. Do you know that song? Red: Yes, yes I do. I love that song. *clears throat, begins to sing* First I was afraid, I was petrified.

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Thomas: You’re just being paranoid. Again. Red: When have I been paranoid? Thomas: Um, when you first met Aberama you thought he was an undercover cop…? Red: No one has a wart that big, I thought it was a surveillance camera! Thomas: And last year you were sure Alfie was a mermaid! Red: He hated wearing shirts! COINCIDENCE?! *Later, when Red’s theory is proven wrong* Thomas: Do you have anything to say for yourself? Red: I still think Alfie is a mermaid.

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*The squad is playing a team sport* Red: Are you upset you don’t get to be on the same team as Alfie? Aberama: Have you ever played a game with Alfie? Red: No… Alfie: Have you ever been trapped in a cage with a wolverine? *Meanwhile, on the other side of the field* Alfie, chasing Thomas: I SAID FASTER! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORD “FASTER” MEANS? IT MEANS MORE FAST!!!!

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Thomas: Everyone synchronize your watches. Red: I don't know how to do that. Alfie: I don't wear a watch. Aberama: Time is a construct.

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Thomas: It’s time to turn this into a real business. Red: What do you mean? Like, carry a briefcase, and wear a tie, and pay taxes? Aberama: Wait, have you not been paying your taxes? Alfie: I handle our accounting.

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Alfie: ARE YOU- Aberama: Fucking. Alfie: KIDDING ME?! YOU- Aberama: Fucking. Alfie: IDIOT! Red: …What was that? Aberama: Thomas banned Alfie from swearing, so I’m helping him out.

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Red: Could you guys at least try to see this from my perspective? Aberama: *crouches down* Thomas: *kneels down* Alfie: *sits on the floor* Red:

Red: I hate all of you.

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Aberama: My stomach growled super loud in French. Aberama: I would like to clarify, my stomach did not speak in French. It growled during French class. Alfie: Bonjour. Thomas: Le growl. Red: Hon hon hon, feed me a baguette.

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Red: What does “take out” mean? Thomas: Food. Aberama: Dating. Alfie: Murder. Arthur: It can be all three if you’re brave enough.

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Aberama: Who the fuck broke the toaster? Red: It was Alfie. Arthur: It was Alfie. Thomas: Alfie broke it. Alfie:

Alfie: …YOU PROMISED-

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Arthur: What did you guys get in your yearbook? Alfie: 'Prettiest Smile' Aberama: 'Nicest Personality' Thomas: 'Most likely to start a bar fight' Red: 'Least likely to start a bar fight, but most likely to win one'

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Arthur: Why isn’t the statue smirking at me? Alfie: It isn’t smirking at anyone, they’re all just imagining it. Thomas: Three of us saw it, Alfie. How do you explain that? Alfie: *points at Red* Sleep deprivation. *points at Thomas* Paranoia. *points at Aberama* Delusional personality disorder.

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Red: What’s something you guys are better than Thomas at? Arthur: Mario Kart. Aberama: Yeah, video games. Alfie: Emotional vulnerability.

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Aberama: Arthur's first detention, I'm so proud. Red: Whoa, back up. Why did he get detention? Alfie: Because he's an idiot. Thomas, terrified: They can do that??

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*the squad is at a dinner party but someone has been murdered* Thomas: You’re acting pretty carefree for someone who’s life’s at stake. Who’s to say you aren’t the killer? Alfie: It’s a murder, not a tax audit. I’ll be fine. Red: What about Arthur? Nobody ever suspects Arthur! Arthur: Well what about Aberama? They have a gun! Aberama: Thomas has a knife. Thomas: Yeah, for fun, not for murder! *stabs Red in the arm*

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Alfie: If you took a shot for every time you made a bad decision, how drunk would you be? Red: Maybe a bit tipsy? Thomas: Drunk. Arthur: Wasted. Aberama: Dead.

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Arthur: What's the worst thing you guys have done? Alfie: Rickrolled my teacher in 4th grade. Thomas: I kicked Aberama in the shin- Aberama: -So I kicked Thomas between the legs. Red: I burned a town down. Arthur: What?! Aberama: What the hell is wrong with you?!? Red: A lot of things. Thomas: No shit.

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Red: So oxygen went on a date with potassium, it went... OK. Thomas: I thought oxygen was dating magnesium, OMG. Red: Actually oxygen first asked nitrogen out, but nitrogen was all like NO. Arthur: I thought oxygen had that double bond with the hydrogen twins. Alfie: Looks like someone's a HO. Thomas: NaBrO. Aberama: I'm done with all of you!

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Arthur: How do you connect with a fictional character? Aberama: What? Alfie: What? Thomas: What? Red: *pulls up a 500 slide presentation* I'm so glad you asked.

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Aberama: You're a lying piece of shit! Red: Oh yeah? You're the idiot that thinks you can get away with everything you do, WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD! Thomas: I'm leaving and I'm taking Alfie with me! Arthur, gathering cards: Aaaaand that's enough Monopoly for today.

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Alfie: Poison is a magic transmutation potion that turns people into corpses. Red: This knife is actually a magic wand. Aberama: Meet me in the Denny’s parking lot for a wizard duel. Thomas: *cocks gun* Magic missile. Arthur: What the fuck is wrong with you people.

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Alfie: *visiting the squad* Hello, I just came to- Alfie: *sees Red shoving Arthur into the washing machine while Aberama records and Thomas watches* Alfie: *retreating* Something suddenly came up.

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Red: Okay! Let’s play Kiss Marry Kill! Red: First who would you kill? *Aberama points at Alfie* *Thomas points at Alfie* *Arthur points at Alfie* Alfie: *shrugs* I would kill me too.

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The Squad: *walking at the mall* Aberama: Hey, have any of you guys seen Arthur? He's been gone for a while.. Red: Eh, nope. Alfie: No, I haven’t... Thomas: Probably ran off to McDonald’s or something. Arthur: Hey. Aberama: Ooh, there you are- Red: What the fu- Thomas: I- where were you?! Arthur: Walking right behind you guys.

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Alfie: Are we really going to let Thomas keep Aberama? Arthur: We kept Red.

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Alfie: Guys… the principal just called— Thomas: It was Aberama! Aberama: It was Arthur! Arthur: It was Red! Red: It was me!

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Red: We need more help. Maybe I should call my friends. Alfie: ... Your what? Red: My friends. Arthur: Are they saying “friends”? Thomas: I think they're being sarcastic. Aberama: No, no, no, this is delirium, they've cracked from being awake all night. Hey, Red! All of your friends are in this room.

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Thomas: Anyone d- Arthur: Depressed? Aberama: Drained? Red: Dumb? Alfie: Disliked? Thomas: -done with their work... what is wrong with you people...

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Arthur: Are oranges named orange because oranges are orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange? Red: Which came first, the orange or the orange? Alfie: Orange was first used to refer the fruit 1280 years ago but was not used as a color until 1000 years ago. Aberama: What was the color called before then? Thomas: There was no color, duh! Everything was black and white!

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Aberama: You're just jealous. All my friends tell me I remind them of Arthur. The Squad: *screaming* Alfie: She looks like Arthur? Are you out of your fucking MIND? Thomas: Arthur, sweetie, I am SO sorry. I am SO SORRY that an ugly-ass bitch like this would even say that. Oh my god. Alfie: Arthur? Arthur? Arthur? You know who you fucking look like? You fucking look like Red!

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Arthur: You know what I learned from my friendship with Thomas? Alfie: There’s no such thing as too mean? Aberama: Never let your friends know for sure if you like them? Red: Always hold a grudge?

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Red: Plants have feelings too?! What is this? Now I can't have food! Arthur: You can eat a rock. Aberama: Air. Alfie: The fabric of time and space. Thomas: Chugging a bottle of bleach can solve all your problems. Red: You guys are not helpful.

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Thomas: Where’s Arthur? Alfie: Doing stuff. Thomas: I don’t like the sound of that. Where’s Aberama? Alfie: Trying to stop Arthur from doing the stuff. Thomas: And Red? Alfie: Trying to stop Aberama from stopping Arthur from doing the stuff. Thomas: I see. And what are you doing here, Alfie? Alfie: I’m supposed to stop you from stopping Red from stopping Aberama from stopping Arthur from doing the stuff.

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Aberama: Thomas's refusing to wear their glasses! Thomas: Aberama, look, I wore the glasses for a day. My eyes are much better now. Watch. Thomas: *points to Red* Red. Thomas: *points to Arthur* Arthur. Thomas: *points to Alfie* Sasquatch.

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Thomas: I’ve done a lot of dumb stuff. Aberama: I witnessed the dumb stuff. Arthur: I recorded the dumb stuff. Red: I joined you in the dumb stuff. Alfie: I TRIED TO STOP YOU FROM DOING THE DUMB STUFF!

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Aberama: You three, explain right now! Red: It was Thomas. Alfie: It was Thomas. Arthur: It was Thomas. Thomas:Thomas: …fuck.

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Arthur: Did you bring Red? Aberama, gesturing to Alfie: No, but I brought the next best thing. Arthur: Alfie? The next best thing would be Thomas. Alfie: I would be offended, but Thomas is freakishly strong.

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*The gang's thoughts on stabbing* Alfie: Would never stab anyone. Thomas: Would stab someone in retaliation. Red: Yells "I won't hesitate, bitch!" first. Aberama: Would stab without warning. Arthur: Would stab as a warning.

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Aberama: Thomas is a strings kid. We must sacrifice them to the band gods. Alfie: Yes. Red: You're right. It'd be a good initiation for me. Thomas: Wait, guys, what about the truce we signed- Alfie: What truce? Aberama: *sigh* The truce that we must destroy all the choir kids and leave the strings alone. Arthur: Wait, I'm a choir kid! Everyone else: *prepares for sacrifice*

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Red: If you put a milkshake in one yard and crack open a cold one in another yard, which yard would the boys go to? Thomas: Schrödinger's boys. Arthur: FUCK! Aberama: What about cracking open a cold milkshake? Alfie: As we all know, the milkshake brings the boys to the yard. The presence of the boys is a prerequisite for the cracking open of a cold one, but cold ones do not have any inherent boy-attracting abilities. Milkshakes, however, do. Alfie: All else being equal, the boys would proceed to the milkshake yard. While it is possible to announce the presence of cold ones in the hope of attracting some boys, the pull of the milkshake is much more powerful by comparison. Red: ... Thomas: ... Arthur: ... Aberama: ... Alfie: Mind you, all of this nonsense hinges on whether or not the boys are back in town.

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Red: I'm going to be an adult in 4 years and I only have a vague idea of what I'm going to do. Alfie: I’m gonna be an adult in less than a year and I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. Thomas: I'm with you there... Aberama: I'm an adult and I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Arthur: Three types of people.

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Alfie: Uh, Red? Arthur is in the pool and I don't think they're waterproof. Red: What? Thomas: I think they meant, Arthur is drowning. Red: WHAT?! *Meanwhile* Arthur: *is drowning* Aberama: OH MY GOD, ARTHUR! KEEP SWIMMING! Arthur: I can't swim, dumbass— *sinks* Aberama: ARTHUR!

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Aberama: We’ve been conducting an ongoing study to see what Thomas will and will not eat. Alfie: Grass? Yes! Aberama: Moss? Yes!! Alfie: Leaves? Ohh, yes! Aberama: Shoelaces? Strange but true! Alfie: Worms? Sometimes! Aberama: Rocks? Usually nah. Alfie: Twigs? Usually! Aberama: Arthur's cooking? Inconclusive! Red: How did you… test this? Aberama: You just hand them stuff and say ‘eat this’ and if they eat it, they eat it. Red: ... I don’t know how to feel about this. Arthur: IS THAT WHERE ALL MY SPARE SHOELACES WENT?

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*Everyone is giving advice to Aberama* Thomas: It's okay to ask for help. Red: You're not a burden. Arthur: Murder is okay. Alfie: Your feelings matter.

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Red: What do you do when someone offers you drugs? Aberama: Take them! Arthur: Punch them in the neck! Thomas: Say thank you! Alfie: Offer them more drugs to assert dominance! Red: … Red: No.

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Arthur: Red is late again. Aberama: How did this happen? I called them at 8 o’clock this morning and pretended it was 11. Alfie: I printed up a fake schedule for them saying we were starting at 9 instead of noon. Thomas: I set their clock to say PM when it’s really AM. Arthur: Oh boy. We may have overdone it. *Red bursts through the door* Red: WHAT TIME IS IT?

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Arthur: Good morning. Alfie: Good morning. Aberama: Good morning. Thomas: You all sound like robots, try spicing it up a bit. Red: MORNING MOTHERFUCKERS!

[ssa-kitsune1310]

Basically how I imagined their Twitter accounts would look like in modern times😅

Peaky Blinders Twitter Accounts

Part 1:

1. Tommy

ada and polly forced him to make one

private account because he's a private person and doesn't want to be bothered

simple layout - very tommy-like

bio - basically what he thinks about the whole thing

only follows people he knows (ada, polly, lizzie, arthur, john, finn and michael); and alfie basically hacked his account and kept on adding himself until tommy was too tired to change it back

2. Lizzie

only made one cause everyone else had one

private account because she doesn't like talking to other people and also to protect herself from creeps who know her from her old job

simple layout cause she doesn't like overthinking things

bio - her life motto

follows the same people tommy follows except for alfie and also follows esme and linda

3. Ada

one of the first people in the family to make one (also the one that told *forced* everyone to make one)

have lots of followers due to all the voluntary work she's been doing

follows the rest of the family and other people close to her

bio - the reason behind her brilliance

isn't shy to tell people that she's a businesswoman and a single-mother

4. Polly

she's the gypsy queen

layout is all polly🤪 dark queen vibes

bio - is her mood everyday😂

follows only family

has many followers cause everyone knows polly gray

doesn't give a damn on what other people think of her

[flysafepapi]

Alfie: Part of me always knew this was how I was gonna go out.

Tommy: In a wine fire surrounded by raccoons?

[hb-writes]

Tommy: *on the phone* "Just snap his damn kneecaps and give him a few to knock him off his feet, he’ll have no choice but to talk. I’m at a parent teacher conference right now so I'll be there as soon as I can."

Tommy, turning back towards the teacher: "Anyways, you said Clara is enjoying finger painting! That's great to hear."

Teacher (Mrs. Changretta): No, Thomas, I actually said that I’ve caught both twins red handed…multiple times.

Tommy: Oh! Well uhhhh better a red hand than a black hand, eh Mrs. Changretta?

[womanpodcast]

Peaky Fookin Blinders Poster

[tommy-shelbys-haircut]

Tatiana: what if Cinderella was a baking slave instead of a cleaning slave and her name was mozzarella?

Tommy: don’t ever text me again

[ryuzakemo128]

Incorrect Quotes - Peaky Blinders au (Part One)

Characters used: Alfie Solomons, Thomas Shelby. Plus Red (Female Reader)

(Part One / Part Two / Part Three / Part Four / Part Five / Part Six / Part Seven / Part Eight / Part Nine / Part Ten )

(Divider by this person here )

Red: Hi. Alfie: Hey, did you do what I said? Did you tell him? Red: I did. Alfie: And what did he say? Red: “Thank you.” Alfie: You’re totally welcome. What’d he say? Red: He said, “Thank you.” I said “I love you” and Thomas said, “Thank you.”

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Thomas: Due to personal reasons, I will be fucking sinking to the bottom of the ocean in a large metal box. Alfie: Did Red say 'I love you' and you said 'Thanks'? Thomas: THE REASONS ARE PERSONAL–

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Red: Thank you all for coming. Thomas, wearing a hospital gown: When I heard you couldn't get laid, I dropped everything and came straight here. Red: Well, I couldn't imagine anyone else being part of the "Fuck A Task Force". Alfie: Yeah, I interpreted that in a different way.

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Red: Wait a minute, how did this happen? We're smarter than this! Thomas: Apparently, we're not.

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Thomas, hungover: Please tell me I'm imagining that I claimed I was king of the ducks. Red: I would, but then I would be lying to the King of All Ducks.

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Red: Thomas, I rebuke thee! I rebuke thee! Thomas: Rebuke? Is that a word? Red: You have all invoked my fury! You will all pay recompense for your transgressions! Thomas: What, you got like a word-a-day calendar or something?

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Thomas: Ah, Hello again. We really need to stop meeting like this. Red: Maybe we would, if you would STOP BREAKING INTO MY FUCKING HOUSE!!!

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Red: Thank you for not saying "I told you so." Thomas: When you’re as right as I am, you don’t have to say it.

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Thomas: I am an expert at identifying birds. Red: Okay, what about those ones flying over there? Thomas: Yeah, they're all birds.

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Red, dramatically: They called me a fool. Thomas, sick of Red's shit: They weren’t wrong.

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Thomas, texting Red: I’m a theif. Red: Thief. Thomas: Theif. Red: I before E except after C. Thomas: Thceif. Red: NO.

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Thomas: You know, when I first met you I thought you were a real bitch. Red: What changed your mind? Thomas: Oh, I still think you're a bitch. I've just grown to like that about you.

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Red: If it pleases the court I would like to say that my opponent is TALKING SHIT! Thomas: ...

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Red: Just be yourself. Say something nice. Thomas: Which one? I can't do both.

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Red: Thomas, fuck off. Red: And by "fuck off" I mean "fuck off right back here and listen", you insufferable prick.

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Thomas: *is visibly upset* Red: Thomas, what happened? I haven't seen you like this since you found out Candyland wasn't an actual country.

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Thomas: You’ve got to learn to love yourself. Red: But don't you hate yourself. Thomas: Yeah, but this is about you. Stay focused.

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Red: Can I have some? Thomas, mouth full of cheesecake: It's really spicy, you wouldn't like it.

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Thomas: Red... you've been cuddling with me for over an hour now. Red: *muffled* mm hmmm :) Thomas: Fuck. I should be annoyed but you're adorable.

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Thomas: Uptown Funk would've made it into the Shrek Soundtrack. Red: That's the truest statement I've ever heard.

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Thomas: I've met a lot of pricks in my time, but you, Red, are a fucking cactus.

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Red: Hey Thomas, can you give me the opposite of these words? Red: Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down. Thomas: Never, Going, To, Give, You- Thomas: The fucking satisfaction.

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Thomas: What happened?! Red: Do you want the long version or the short version? Thomas: Sh-short?? Red: Shit's fucked. Thomas: Okay, long. Red: Shit's very fucked.

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Red: Hey, Thomas. What kind of flowers do you prefer? Thomas: I like sunflowers. Red, pulling out a bouquet of Venus Flytraps: Well, shit-

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Thomas: If I had a face like yours, I'd put it on a wall and throw a brick at it. Red: If I had a face like YOURS, I'd put it on a brick and throw a wall at it.

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Thomas: The saying “it is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission” no longer applies to Red.

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Red: Thomas, you love me, right? Thomas: Normally I’d say yes without hesitation, but I feel like this is going somewhere I won’t like.

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Thomas: What happened to your nose? Red: I used it to break some guy's fist.

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Thomas: Hey. Red: Hey? Thomas: I can't sleep. :/ Red: I can. Goodnight

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Thomas: Hold on, I can explain! Red: Really? Can you now? Thomas: I can if you give me a minute to think of a convincing lie.

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Thomas, after getting a job as a life guard: Hmm... I wonder what those things at the bottom of the pool are.. Red: THOSE ARE PEOPLE DROWNING!

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Thomas: *fast-forwards all the way through the movie* Red: You can't just skip to the happy ending! Thomas: I don't have time for their problems.

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Red: Why are you always trying to aggravate me? Thomas: To relax.

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Thomas: FUCK THE CHAIR. PARDON ME FOR MAKING MYSELF COMFORTABLE DURING A SINCERE HEART TO HEART DISCUSSION WITH A DEAR FRIEND IN NEED! Thomas: BUT THE TIME HAS COME FOR ME TO CEASE STRADDLING THIS DEEPLY OFFENSIVE PIECE OF FURNITURE! AWAY WITH YE, FOUR LEGGED TEMPTRESS! DISTRACT US NO MORE WITH THE MOST BASIC AND UTILITARIAN FORM OF COMFORT YOU SUPPLY! Red: Thomas just threw a tantrum about a chair. Red: I just won Thomas Tantrum Bingo.

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Thomas: My life is a mess. Red: Thomas relax, go get a beer. Thomas: I don’t want a beer. Red Who said it was for you?

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Thomas: A decision had to be made. Red: And you fucked it up!

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Thomas: Though I admit I don’t know much about you, I am feeling pretty confident in my assessment that you are probably some sort of sick deadly fuck. Red: Who told you my secret?

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Thomas: You’re mean! Red: You’re meaner! Thomas: Yeah, well, you’re ugly too! Red: You’re uglier! Thomas: You’re a dumbass! Red: You’re a dumberass! Thomas: You think “dumberass” is a good insult!

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Thomas: Please say words of encouragement to me so I don’t murder someone right now. Red: There are no books in prison. Thomas: *sighs* Thank you.

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Thomas: Are you drinking enough water? Red: Sometimes my tears get in my mouth.

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Red: Thomas, you need to react when people cry! Thomas: I did. I rolled my eyes.

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Thomas: I think this might be a bad idea... Red: Don't start thinking on me now!

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Red: Bottling up negative emotions is bad for your health, so you shouldn't do it. Thomas: I know, that's why I bottle up all my emotions, both positive and negative, so it cancels out. Red: Th-that's not how that works-

[ryuzakemo128]

Peaky Blinders Incorrect Quotes (Part Thirteen)

(Part One / Part Two / Part Three / Part Four / Part Five / Part Six / Part Seven / Part Eight / Part Nine/ Part Ten / Part Eleven / Part Twelve )

(Dividers by this person here)

Red: Who hurt you? Aberama: *snorting* What, do you want a list? Red: ...Yes, actually.

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Red: Do you have any idea what you’re doing? Thomas: Why start now?

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Thomas: .. .----. -- / … --- .-. .-. -.-- (translation: I'M SORRY) Red: What's that? Thomas: Remorse code. Red: I'm even angrier now.

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Red: Astrology is fun because I can pretend that all of my behaviors are just a result of being a Gemini and not symptoms of mental illness. Thomas: Being a Gemini is a mental illness. That’s not hate it’s just a fact.

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Thomas: Please could you go to the shop and get a carton of milk, if they have avocados get six. Red, coming back from the store with six cartons of milk: They had avocados!

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Red: I'm bored, any suggestions? Thomas: Sleeping is nice. Red: I acknowledge your suggestion, and I’m deciding to ignore it.

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Red: You... you saved me. You're not a beast at all. YOU'RE A HERO, AN UGLY UGLY UGLY HERO! Thomas: Call me ugly again, and maybe I will eat you.

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Thomas: Even Red and I have been getting closer. The other day, they gave me half of their sandwich. Red: I mistook them for a garbage can.

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Thomas: I love you. Red, not paying attention: What was that? Thomas: I said I’m selling you to the zOo-

———————————-

Thomas: You’d be stupid to lay a hand on me. Red: Oh, you’d be surprised how much stupid shit I do.

———————————-

Thomas: I got an idea! Red: Does it involve breaking the law? Thomas: By now don’t you think that’s a given? Red: I was just trying to be optimistic. Thomas: Don’t bother.

———————————-

Red, holding in their laughter: Hey, how do you ask a glass of water what it’s doing? Thomas: A glass of water is an inanimate object. Therefore, it's incapable of having a thought process or understanding basic human language. Red: Red: Water you doing?

———————————-

Thomas: ...I'm pretty sure that place is fire-proof, or something. Alfie, grenade in hand: Alright, but is it explosion-proof?

———————————-

Alfie: What the fuck is wrong with you?? Red: What? No good morning? Alfie: Good morning, what the fuck is wrong with you??

———————————-

Alfie: Why is it that I always lose things as soon as I need them? Aberama: Actually, it's not that you lose things when you need them. You lose them a while before. It's just that you LOOK for things when you need them. Alfie: Okay yeah thanks Aberama, that's great but WHERE'S THE FUCKING FIRST AID KIT?

———————————-

Thomas: Think you can answer some questions without the usual level of sarcasm? Aberama: If you can ask the questions without the usual level of stupid.

———————————-

Red: Thomas, I don’t think I can handle any more of your tomfuckery. Thomas: Oh yeah? Well I can keep going until you’re all tomfuckered out!

———————————-

Alfie: I’ve invited you here because I crave the deadliest game... Thomas, nodding: Knife Monopoly. Alfie: I was actually going to play Russian roulette, but now I'm really interested in whatever knife Monopoly is.

———————————-

Red: If you water water, it grows. Alfie: ...What. Thomas: They've got a point.

———————————-

Thomas: Shouldn't get stressed out, it's not good for the baby. Red: What baby? Thomas, crying a bit: Me.

———————————-

Thomas: I want to kiss you. Red, not paying attention: What? Thomas: I said if you die, I wont miss you.

———————————-

Red: Can we go to a haunted house? Thomas: What’s wrong with the one we live in? Red: Wh-what? Thomas: Goodnight, Red.

———————————-

Red You’re drunk. Thomas: Correction: drinking. Present tense. Grammar, Red.

———————————-

Thomas: I’m Thomas. I’m an accountant. Red: I’m Red. I have a knife.

———————————-

Computer: Please enter a password. Thomas: *types in Red* Computer: Your password is too weak. Thomas: How fucking DARE YOU-

———————————-

Red: Wait, what's going on? Are we all talking about how hot Thomas is? Because Thomas is a straight up sexual fox riding a red-hot nuclear bombshell right toward the yowza plaza in the heart of Babe City, Assachusetts, U S A. The last A just stands for more ass.

———————————-

Thomas, sweating: Red, there’s something I need to ask you- Red: Finally! You’re proposing! Thomas: How’d you know? Red: Thomas, you’ve dropped the ring five times during dinner. Red: I even picked it up once.

———————————-

Red: Can you recommend a book that'll make me cry? Thomas: General Mathematics 8th Grade Edition.

———————————-

Red: Thomas! For the love of god, please turn down that music. I have a hangover. Thomas: *blasting the mii theme at full volume* That sounds like a you problem, not a mii problem.

———————————-

Thomas: I’m genuinely surprised you haven’t gotten arrested, let alone gotten a felony yet. Red: Nat 20 Charisma. Thomas: That is NOT how that works-

———————————-

Red, admiring a sleeping Thomas: You’re so cute. Thomas, sleepily: I could beat your ass. Red, lovingly: I know.

———————————-

Red: When you've been on the internet for as long as I have, you develop thick skin. Thomas: Navy blue isn't your color. Red: Navy blue brings out my eyes you prick! *Chases after Thomas*

———————————-

Thomas: How would you like your coffee? Red: As dark and as bitter as my soul. Thomas, shouting to someone behind the counter: I need one vanilla latte with extra cream and sugar!

———————————-

Thomas: You know what’s funny about Red? They’re my best friend, and anyone who’d hurt them is someone I’d murder, probably.

———————————-

Thomas: Watcha doin? Red: Stealing my neighbor's cat. Thomas: Scandalous. Thomas: Can I help?

———————————-

Red: That sounds super! Doesn’t that sound super, Thomas? Thomas: No. Red: I think I speak for Thomas when I say it sounds really super.

———————————-

Thomas: Are you having another depressive episode? Red: A depressive episode? Red: I'm having a depressive series and we're just on season one.

———————————-

Thomas: Do you know the ABCs of first aid? Red: A. Bone. Coming out of the skin is very bad.

———————————-

Thomas to Red: We smell of sweat and loss.

———————————-

Thomas: What's that? Red: Chocolate. Thomas: What's chocolate? Red: Candy. Do they not have candy where you're from? Thomas: Yeah. Grapes, nuts. Red: No wonder you're so bitter.

———————————-

Red: *Kicks the door open, looking panicked* Thomas: What did you do?! Red: NOBODY DIED! Thomas: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!

[ryuzakemo128]

Incorrect Quotes - Peaky Blinders ( Part Four)

(Part One / Part Two / Part Three / Part Four / Part Five / Part Six / Part Seven / Part Eight / Part Nine / Part Ten )

(Divider by this person here )

Alfie, Thomas & Red: *screaming* Aberama: *runs into the room* What's wrong, Red?! Alfie: Wait, why are you asking Red that when Thomas and I are also here? Aberama: Because Red wouldn't scream unless it's an emergency. You two scream whenever you have the chance.

———————————————————————————–

Alfie: What’s it like being tall? Thomas: Is it nice? Red: Can you reach comfortably for the cupboards? Aberama: We live in constant fear of the short ones who, in my experience, will climb four chairs, two boxes, a small coffee table, and six oddly placed stools to get what they want.

———————————————————————————–

Red: Made you all playlists! Red: Alfie, yours has only heavy metal, and is dark like your soul. Red: Thomas, yours has sad songs and blues to pair with your crippling depression. Red: And Aberama has the ABBA Gold album.

———————————————————————————–

Aberama: Words ending in 'ie' just sound so adorable. Like cutie, sweetie, cookie- Alfie: Eyy, homie! Thomas: But then there's cootie... Red: Die.

———————————————————————————–

Aberama: I'm cold. Alfie: Here, take my hoodie. *meanwhile* Thomas: I'm cold. Red: I can't control the weather, Thomas.

———————————————————————————–

Red: Why is Alfie crying on the floor? Aberama: They took one of those 'what person are you?' quizzes. Red: And? Aberama: They got Thomas.

———————————————————————————–

Alfie: Blue M&Ms are the best. Aberama: whAT IS THIS SLANDER? Alfie: What about it? They are. Aberama: I WILL NOT ALLOW SUCH LIES ON MY CHRISTIAN MINECRAFT SERVER! Aberama: THE RED ONES ARE THE BEST! Alfie: YEAH? WELL YOUR MOM'S A HO! Thomas: They're all chocolate inside, the colors don't mean anything. Red: I like the yellow ones. Alfie and Aberama: SHUT THE FUCK YOUR MOUTH!

———————————————————————————–

*The gang responding to being stabbed by a sword* Thomas: Rude. Aberama: That's fair. Alfie: Not again. Red: Are you gonna want this back or can I keep it?

———————————————————————————–

Alfie, pointing to the wall: What color is this? Red: Gray. Thomas: Grey. Alfie, turning to Aberama: Now tell them what color you think it is. Aberama: Dark white.

———————————————————————————–

Alfie: So, are they your friend or... Thomas: They’re like Aberama, but if Aberama was ordered to be around you. Alfie: Oh, so Red. Thomas: Precisely!

———————————————————————————–

Red: I still don’t have a New Year’s resolution. Alfie: You could lose a few. Aberama: You could be less lazy. Thomas: Don’t be such a bitch. Red: Okay, DAMN, SHIT.

———————————————————————————–

Alfie: They... well, I wouldn't call it inheritance per se. What do you call it when you kill someone and get their stuff? Aberama: Um, murder??? Thomas: Adventuring! Red: A Tuesday.

———————————————————————————–

Alfie: On the count of three, what’s your favorite cake? Alfie & Aberama: One, two, three- Alfie & Aberama: Chocolate cake, peanutbutter frosting, and chocolate chunks! Thomas: Our turn, Red! One, two, three- Thomas: Vanilla! Red: I’ve never had cake before. What is cake?

———————————————————————————–

Red & Thomas in the back of Alfie's car: MCDONALDS! MCDONALDS! MCDONALDS! Aberama: We have food at home. Alfie: *pulls into the McDonald's drivethrough* Red & Thomas: YAYYYYYY! Alfie: *orders one black coffee and leaves*

———————————————————————————–

Aberama: I’m so happy two of my favorite people are getting along now. Alfie: Uh, Thomas and Red are not getting along. Aberama: They’re not trying to kill each other. Alfie: You may have a point.

———————————————————————————–

Alfie: Your lover doesn't have the mental strength to caramelize onions. Aberama: Your lover thinks it takes 5-10 minutes to caramelize onions. Red: Who's fucking caramelizing onions? Have you sociopaths forgotten that apples exist? Thomas: Do you think caramelizing onions is putting caramel on onions.

———————————————————————————–

Alfie: Where the devil is Aberama? Thomas: Well, it is raining outside... Maybe they melted? Red: Shall I look outside for a pointy hat?

———————————————————————————–

Alfie: Which country has the most birds? Alfie: Portu-geese! Aberama: That's a language. Alfie: Portu-gull? Aberama: Good recovery. Red: I think you mean good re-dovery. Thomas: TURKEY. HOW DID WE MISS TURKEY?

———————————————————————————–

Alfie: You have friends and I envy that. Red: You're welcome to share my friends. Alfie: *looks at Aberama and Thomas* Alfie: I don't want those.

———————————————————————————–

Red: I am darkness. I am an power. I am your worst nightmare. I could kill a man in more ways than you can imagine. I am the night. I am fury, I am a weapon, I am- Aberama: A doll. Thomas: A cinnamon roll. Alfie: A sweetheart. Red:Red: …stop it.

———————————————————————————–

Aberama, setting down a card: Ace of spades. Thomas, pulling out an Uno card: +4. Alfie, pulling out a Pokémon card: Jolteon, I choose you! Red, trembling: What are we playing?!

———————————————————————————–

Aberama: Alright, which one of us is gonna check outside? Thomas: Not it! Red: Not it! Aberama: ...Neither one of you are as dumb as you lead on to be.

———————————————————————————–

Thomas: I have the sharpest memory here - name one time I forgot something! Aberama: You left me, Red, and Alfie in a Walmart parking lot at 2am a day ago. Thomas: I did that on purpose, try again.

———————————————————————————–

Red: Hey guys I just found a new song I really like- Thomas: Is it about death? Red: No. Aberama: Is it about drugs? Alfie: Is it about sex? Red: NO- it's about happiness and peace and- Thomas, Aberama, and Alfie:

———————————————————————————–

Aberama: LOWERCASE LETTERS ARE FOR THE LOWER CLASS! Thomas: And here we have a capitalist. Red: Did you just- Alfie: Let us all take a moment to appreciate that all of human history, human language, and the universe itself aligned to make this joke possible.

———————————————————————————–

*Comments under an image of a really hot knife cutting bread* Red: Imagine stabbing someone with this knife. Thomas: It would instantly cauterize the wound, so the person wouldn't bleed, so it's not very useful. Aberama: if you want information it is Alfie: why would you STAB a person when you can have TOAST?

———————————————————————————–

Aberama: *points at Alfie* A human turtleneck, *points at Red* a narcissistic monster, *points at Thomas* and literally the dumbest person I’ve ever met. Thomas: And who am I? Describe me now.

———————————————————————————–

Alfie, watching Red & Thomas panic : What's going on? Aberama: Red is having a midlife crisis and Thomas is just having a crisis.

———————————————————————————–

Red: We need to distract these guys. Thomas: Leave it to me. Thomas: Centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects. Discuss. Alfie & Aberama: *immediately begin arguing*

———————————————————————————–

Aberama: Ducks are better than rabbits. Red: What? Rabbits are adorable. Have you ever been in a fight with a duck? Ducks are jerks. Alfie: Duck is delicious! Rabbit is all gamey. Red: We’re not talking about flavour, Alfie! Alfie: Flavour counts! Red: Who carries around a duck’s foot for good luck? Anyone? Thomas: You wrap yourself in a comforter stuffed with rabbit hair. I’ll wrap myself in a comforter stuffed with duck feathers! Who’s cozier? Red: Okay, but- Thomas: NO, NO, NO, NO. WHO’S COZIER? Alfie: Then why don’t we take a rabbit, a duck, stick ‘em in a cardboard box and let them fight it out! Red: BECAUSE IT’S ILLEGAL, ALFIE! Alfie: ONLY IF WE BET ON IT, RED! Aberama: I- Jesus-

———————————————————————————–

Aberama: I haven't slept in seventy-three hours. Alfie: Eighty. Democratically elected leader of insomnia. Thomas: Bitch, it's been ninety for me. I'm going for an even one hundred. Red: You guys are fucking terrifying.

———————————————————————————–

Alfie, teaching Red to drive: Okay, you're driving and Thomas and Aberama walk into the road. Quick, what do you hit? Red: Oh, definitely Aberama. I could never hurt Thomas. Alfie, massaging his temples: The brakes. You hit the brakes.

———————————————————————————–

Alfie: You're smiling. What happened? Red: What? Can't I smile just because I feel like it? Thomas: Michael tripped and fell down the stairs today.

[ryuzakemo128]

Peaky Blinders Incorrect Quotes (Part Three)

(Part One / Part Two / Part Three / Part Four / Part Five / Part Six / Part Seven / Part Eight / Part Nine / Part Ten)

(Divider by this person here)

Thomas Shelby: You’re not jealous, are you? Red: No! Thomas Shelby: Good, ‘cause I consider my fake relationship with you a lot more meaningful.

———————————————————————————–

Red: I think I just figured something out. I got to go. Thomas Shelby: Aren't you forgetting something? Red: Uuh...*hesitantly kisses Thomas Shelby's forehead before running out.* Thomas Shelby: No, pay your bill! Damn, who raised you?

———————————————————————————–

Red: Hey, random question, what are your favorite flowers? Thomas Shelby: Peonies, why? Red:

Thomas Shelby: Were you going to get me flowers? Red:

Thomas Shelby:

Red: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵃ ᵖᵒˢˢᶦᵇᶦˡᶦᵗʸ

———————————————————————————–

*Thomas Shelby and Red are in Paris.* Thomas Shelby: I'm...moved. I...I don't know what it is I'm feeling right now. I feel...destiny? Red: But... Thomas Shelby: I don't know what it is. I feel like... I just never thought I'd see it with my own two eyes. And here it is. It's just there. It's right in front of me, and... Red: This is what you wanted to see? The bridge from Inception? Thomas Shelby: Yeah. Red: But the Eiffel Tower is behind us, babe. Thomas Shelby: Yeah, but this is the bridge FROM INCEPTION. Red: Okay, alright.

———————————————————————————–

Thomas Shelby: Why don’t you go talk to them? Red, sarcastically: Oh. Yeah, sure. Thomas Shelby: What? So you go tell them they’re cute, what’s the worst that could happen? Red: They could hear me.

———————————————————————————–

Red: Can you cut me some slack, Thomas Shelby? I’m sort of in love. Thomas Shelby: I’m sorry, but that’s really not my problem. Red: I’m in love with you. Thomas Shelby: *blushes* Oh. That brings me in the loop a little.

———————————————————————————–

Thomas Shelby: That was so hot, Red. Red: I literally called the person who just flirted with you a degenerate dog and told them I hope they get dragged through the streets. Thomas Shelby: I'm so in love with you.

———————————————————————————–

Thomas Shelby: How much did you spend on this date? Red: $1400. But all of it's on credit cards, so it's like $5 a month for the next 2,000 years.

———————————————————————————–

Thomas Shelby: I don't need to go to bed. I'm not tired, I'll be fine. Red: But, darling, I'll be so lonely without you. Come curl up in my arms so I can feel whole again. Thomas Shelby: O-oh. Well. Are you trying to seduce me into healthy sleeping patterns?? Red: Is it working?

———————————————————————————–

Thomas Shelby: Remember, Red, don't do anything I wouldn't do. Red: I think I crossed that line when I got a date.

———————————————————————————–

Red: I don't know how to tell you this, but... I love you. Thomas Shelby: That's great, Red. Especially considering the fact we've been married for 6 fucking years.

———————————————————————————–

Red: Come to dinner tonight. I can’t cook, but I’ll bring plenty of free wine. Thomas Shelby: Marry me.

———————————————————————————–

Red: You have to apologize to them Thomas Shelby. Thomas Shelby: Fine! But I must warn you that this might make me a better, nicer person and that is NOT the person you fell in love with!

———————————————————————————–

Red: Hey, Thomas, what do you think it would be like if we had kids? Thomas: What would it be like? Inconvenient, mostly. Red: No, I mean, what would they be like, the kids? You ever think about it? Thomas: Can't really say I have. Red: You know, for someone as eccentric as yourself, you can be boring as fuck sometimes. Thomas: Sorry, Red. For what it's worth, I'm picturing them now. A boy and a girl. Two perfect little freaks of nature raised by people who've clearly got no business bringin' up anybody.

———————————————————————————–

Thomas: Red is playing hard to get. Thomas: Little do they know, I'm a master at playing hard to get rid of.

———————————————————————————–

Thomas: I’ve been dropping them the most insanely obvious hints for like a year now. No response. Red: Wow. They sound stupid. Thomas: But they’re not. They’re really smart actually. Just dense. Red: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Like, I don’t know… “Hey! I love you!” Thomas: I guess you’re right. Hey Red, I love you. Red: See! Just say that! Thomas: Holy fucking shit. Red: If that flies over their head then, sorry Thomas, but they're too dumb for you. Thomas: Red.

———————————————————————————–

Thomas: There are 20 letters in the alphabet, right? Red: Nope, there's 26. Thomas: Ah, I must have forgotten U, R, A, Q, T. Red: Aww, that's cute, but you're still missing one. Thomas: You'll get the D later ;).

———————————————————————————–

Thomas: I owe you one. Red: That’s ok. You can just date me and we’ll call it even.

———————————————————————————–

Thomas: Talk dirty to me, baby~ Red: The dishes. Thomas: Wh- Red: They’ve been there for 4 days and it’s your turn to wash them. You still haven’t cleaned them and I have asked you to do so several times.

————————���——————————————————–

Thomas: Are you ready to commit? Red: Like, a crime or a relationship?

———————————————————————————–

Red: I feel like doing something stupid. Thomas: I’m stupid, do me.

———————————————————————————–

Thomas: Let’s watch Sharkboy and Lavagirl. Red: Okay. Thomas: And make out during the scary parts. Red: Th- Red: The scary parts. Red: Of Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

———————————————————————————–

Red: Go fuck yourself. Thomas, smugly: Sure, but only if you watch

———————————————————————————–

Thomas: This date is boring! Red: This isn't a date. I said I was going to the store. Thomas: Then why did you invite me? Red: I didn’t, I specifically said "don't come with me," then you said, "fuck you Red I'll do whatever I want!

———————————————————————————–

Red: When you said 'Magic in Bed', I wasn't expecting this... Thomas: *pulls out card from deck* Now, was this your card? Red: Holy moly-

———————————————————————————–

Thomas: So... what would you do if you were in bed with me? Red: Depends. Is your bed comfortable? Thomas: Yes. Red: I'd sleep.

———————————————————————————–

*Red is crying after a breakup* Thomas: There there, Red. Red, still crying: Thanks, but how did you get into my room? Thomas: Great question—

———————————————————————————–

Thomas: The stars are so beautiful... Red: They're just giant balls of gas. Thomas: You know what, if you're just going to ruin this, then- Red: And yet none of them are as huge as my love for you. Thomas: Oh...

———————————————————————————–

Red: Thomas, you do remember when we agreed we were better off as friends, right? Thomas, naked in Red's bed: No, I absolutely do not. Red, already taking off their clothes: Fuck... Me neither.

———————————————————————————–

Thomas: You know my motto: carpe diem, carpe noctem, carpe coles. Red: Seize the day, seize the night, what’s the last one? Thomas: Seize the dick.

———————————————————————————–

Red: I’m proud to identify as morosexual. I’m attracted to dumbasses and dumbasses exclusively. Someone asked me what the Spanish word for "tortilla" was once, and now I dream of kissing them under the moonlight. Thomas Shelby: What kind of animal is the Pink Panther? Red, already taking off their clothes: God, Thomas Shelby, you’re so fucking stupid.

———————————————————————————–

Red: You are the love of my life and I would do anything within reason to make you happy. Thomas: I would be happy if you ate, stayed hydrated and got a reasonable amount of sleep. Red: I said within reason, Thomas. How about I murder that guy? Thomas: So murder is in reason but proper self care isn't? Red: Well, duh. What kind of question is that?

———————————————————————————–

Red: Can you cut me some slack, Thomas? I’m sort of in love. Thomas: I’m sorry, but that’s really not my problem. Red: I’m in love with you. Thomas: *blushes* Oh. That brings me in the loop a little.

———————————————————————————–

Thomas: Just a minute. I need to go take out the trash. Red: Oh. We're going out? Thomas: Wh...

———————————————————————————–

Red: If I'm extra sarcastic with you it probably means I'm flirting with you or you really annoy me and I can't handle your crap... have fun figuring out which one.

———————————————————————————–

Thomas: Pros and cons of dating me. Thomas: Pros. You'll be the cute one. Thomas: Cons. Holy shit, where do I begin-

———————————————————————————–

Thomas: I would never say that my partner is a bitch and I don’t don’t like them. That’s not true… My partner is a bitch and I like them so much!

———————————————————————————–

Alfie: So... who's the big spoon and who's the little spoon? Red: We're chopsticks! Alfie: Well... that's cute! Alfie: Does that mean you two snuggle together perfectly? Thomas: No, it means that if you take the other away, the only thing the other is good for is stabbing.

———————————————————————————–

Thomas: Someone take me to art museums and make out with me. Red: But they said not to touch the masterpieces. Thomas: Well somebody's got to pin the artwork to the wall. Alfie, on a walkie talkie: This is Alfie, those idiots are fucking around in the East wing again.

———————————————————————————–

Thomas: How do you know how to kiss? Like who teaches you? Red: Well it’s actually a class, but unfortunately it’s full right now. Red: Would you like me to tutor you? Alfie: That was smooth.

———————————————————————————–

Red, looking through their clothes: Has anyone seen my top? Alfie: Thomas's in the kitchen

————————————————��——————————–

Alfie: So, are you two dating now? Thomas & Red: Yes. Alfie: Why? Thomas: I happen to find Red very appealing. Alfie: Yeah, I can understand that. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with Red.

———————————————————————————–

Alfie: So… I’ve seen you’ve been spending a lot of time with Red recently. Thomas: No, Alfie, it's not what it looks like, I swear. Alfie: Oh really? So no reason for me to be jealous? Thomas: No! You’re the only one for me. Alfie: Is that so? Thomas: I promise! Red and I are just dating, okay? They’re my partner. Alfie: So there are no best-friends-feelings involved? Thomas: You are still my one and only best friend! They’re just the love of my life, nothing more! Alfie: But I’m still the platonic love of your life, right? Thomas: Of course bro! Alfie: Bro... Red: What the-

———————————————————————————–

Alfie: So are you gonna explain how the hell you crashed my car? Thomas: Well we were driving and there was a deer in the road, so I said "Red, deer!" Alfie: ...And what did Red do? Thomas: ...They said "Yes, Honey?"

———————————————————————————–

Thomas, holding a rock: Red just gave this to me and said "I feel like you deserve the moon but all I can give you is a rock". Alfie: If you don't marry them, I will.

———————————————————————————–

Alfie: Do you mind if I slyly mention that you’re single? Thomas: Do not do that. Alfie: You won’t even notice! Red, entering: Alfie, you wanted to see me again? Alfie: Thomas's single Thomas:

———————————————————————————–

Red: Why do you let me win when we race up the stairs? You’re the faster one. Thomas: Erm... it’s nice see your smile when you win! *later* Red: They're probably just staring at my ass, aren't they. Alfie: Yeah, probably.

———————————————————————————–

Alfie: H-how do you ask someone out? Red: Well, first- Thomas: Don't ask them, they asked me out in a McDonalds parking lot. Alfie: …And you said yes?

———————————————————————————–

Thomas: *yawns* Red: Yeah, being that pretty must be tiring. Thomas: Then you must be exhuasted. Alfie: Will you two shut up? Some of us are lonely.

———————————————————————————–

Red: Is there a cactus where your heart should be? Alfie: What’s up your ass this morning! Thomas: *walks in* …Hey. Alfie: Hmm… nevermind. Red: WAIT NO!

———————————————————————————–

Alfie: Who do we know that has handcuffs? Thomas: Well Red and I- Red: *elbows Thomas* Thomas: …wouldn't know.

———————————————————————————–

Alfie, bursting into the room: You two are having sex! Thomas, not looking up from their book: Really? Red, why didn’t you tell me? I would have put my book down.

———————————————————————————–

Alfie: This totally sucks, man. Red: This is horrible. Alfie: Yeah, I know, I mean look at today’s news. Red: No, it’s not that, it’s Thomas. Red: It’s just like, I can’t get them out of my head and every time I look at them I have this pains in my chest, and I just know it’s their fault, that bitch!

———————————————————————————–

Thomas: That's ridiculous, Red doesn't have a crush on me. Aberama: Yes they do. Alfie: Yes they do. Red: Yes I do.

[ryuzakemo128]

Peaky Blinders Incorrect Quotes Part Seventeen

(Part One / Part Two / Part Three / Part Four / Part Five / Part Six / Part Seven / Part Eight / Part Nine/ Part Ten / Part Eleven / Part Twelve  / Part Thirteen / Part Fourteen / Part Fifteen / Part Sixteen )

Dividers: Link Here

Red: What can therapy do for me that screaming in my car for 30 minutes can’t?

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Red: Quitting! It's like trying, but easier.

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Red: We call that a traumatic experience. Red, turning to Alfie: Not a "bruh moment". Red, turning to Aberama: Not "sadge". Red, turning to Thomas: And DEFINITELY not an "oof LMAO".

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Thomas: My stomach growled super loud in French. Thomas: I would like to clarify, my stomach did not speak in French. It growled during French class. Red: Bonjour. Alfie: Le growl. Aberama: Hon hon hon, feed me a baguette.

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Thomas: We need a way to lure in new customers? Alfie: Maybe we could have some fun, interactive events! Red: Aberama bath water. Aberama: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

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*In a horror movie situation* Thomas: I've got no service in my phone here. Aberama: Shoot, my battery just died. Red: Sorry guys, I just broke my phone with a hammer. Alfie: Guys, my phone is a book.

Red: Those darn tall old people. Aberama: Darn em' indeed. Thomas: Don't worry, they'll be gone soon enough. Alfie: *sharpening knife* Yes. Dead. The Squad:.....................

Alfie: Hahaha. Alfie: ...Is this self-destructive behavior?

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Red, singing to the tune of I Kissed a Girl: I killed a guy, and I liked it- Alfie, whispering: Should we call the exorcist? Aberama, also singing: The taste of his cherry Chapstick. Thomas, appalled: Call the exorcist.

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Aberama: How did none of you hear what I just said?! Red: I've been zoned out for the past two and a half hours. Alfie: I got distracted halfway through. Thomas: Ignoring you was a conscious decision.

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Red: Subs are so fun to play with. All you have to do is hint at what you might do, back them into a corner with a look, or grab their wrist in a certain way and they're a wide-eyed mess. Thomas: What the fuck kind of Subway are you going to? Aberama: Substitute teachers deal with so much shit. Alfie: Guys.

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Thomas: *Gasp* Aberama: wHAT?? Thomas: What if soy milk is just milk introducing itself in Spanish? Aberama: *inhales* Alfie, in another room with Red: Why can I hear screeching?

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Aberama: What is love? Thomas: An emotional minefield. Alfie: A neurochemical reaction. Red: Baby don't hurt me.

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Police: You’re under arrest for trying to carry three people on a single motorcycle. Aberama, with Red and Thomas behind them: Wait, what do you mean THREE?! Police: Yes…three. Aberama: Oh, my God— What the fuck!? Police: Wha- Aberama: Alfie FUCKING FELL OFF!

Red: It’s Christmas! Are you all in a Christmas mood?! Thomas: Merry crisis. Aberama: Jingle bells, jingle bells, single all the way. Alfie: Hoe hoe hoe. Red: Guys, please.

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Alfie: Are you laughing at that video of Red and Aberama fighting? Thomas: No. Thomas: I'm laughing at the comments.

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Thomas: Sometimes I drink milk straight from the container. Red: The cow?? Thomas:What? Alfie: Red, W H Y?

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Alfie, writing in a letter: "I'm going to kick.. your... ass." Alfie: THERE. Now send it. Thomas:: Dude, your handwriting's terrible, are you sure you want to- Alfie: JUST DO IT! A few moments later Aberama: So what does it say? Red, reading the letter: They say they're going to "lick my...." Aberama:..... Red:..... Aberama: Gross-

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Thomas: I am darkness. I am an power. I am your worst nightmare. I could kill a man in more ways than you can imagine. I am the night. I am fury, I am a weapon, I am- Red: A doll. Aberama: A cinnamon roll. Alfie: A sweetheart. Thomas:...... Thomas: ...stop it.

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Alfie: How late were you up last night? Thomas & Aberama, in tandem: Me? Alfie: No, not you two. You stay up late all the time. Alfie, to Red: You.

Red: No later than usual?

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Red: I’ve never smoked marijuana. I ate a brownie once at a party. It was intense. It was kind of indescribable. I felt like I was floating. Turns out there was no pot in the brownie. It was just an insanely good brownie.

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Red: Reality is an illusion, the universe is a hologram, buy gold, bye!

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Red: Clownery. Tomfoolery. Absolute fuckery, I am going to revoke your life privileges.

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Red, texting: Don't worry, I have your phone! Text me when you're gonna come get it!

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Thomas, working at McDonald's: Sorry sir, we don't serve a McFuck here, so either you throw that one slice of pickle out or we're gonna have a McProblem.

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Thomas: I wish I could control wasps and bees to sting my enemies. Red: You’re too young to have enemies. Thomas: You don’t even know.

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Thomas: And what do I get out of this? Red: I will give you a dollar. Thomas: What do you think I am? A chump? I would never do it for a dollar! Red: How bout two dollars? Thomas: You got yourself a deal.

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Thomas: And then they ran into my knife. They ran into my knife ten times. Red: You mean you stabbed them? Thomas: They ran into my knife.

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Red: So, Thomas, do you have a crush on anyone? Thomas: The only crush I have is this crushing anxiety.

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Thomas: Oooh, a train! Red: We’re in a train station, Thomas.

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Thomas: You’re an idiot. Red: That’s the charm.

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Red: "It's easy to forget what a sin is in the middle of a battlefield." Thomas: Opposite over hypotenuse. Thomas: Dipshit.

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Thomas: Red! This soup is flaccid! Red: LITERALLY WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS MEAN?!

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Thomas: Hello Red, made anyone cry today? Red: Sadly, no. But it’s only 4:30.

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Red: Why is it that I always lose things as soon as I need them? Thomas: Actually, it's not that you lose things when you need them. You lose them a while before. It's just that you LOOK for things when you need them. Red: Okay yeah thanks Thomas, that's great but WHERE'S THE FUCKING FIRST AID KIT?

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Red: All snacks are gone. Thomas: I AM LITERALLY RIGHT HERE?!

[ryuzakemo128]

Peaky Blinder Incorrect Quotes (Part Sixteen)

(Part One / Part Two / Part Three / Part Four / Part Five / Part Six / Part Seven / Part Eight / Part Nine/ Part Ten / Part Eleven / Part Twelve  / Part Thirteen / Part Fourteen / Part Fifteen / Part Sixteen ) (Dividers by this person here)

Red: As top in this relationship, I think we should- Thomas: I can't believe you're pulling rank on me.

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Red: I truly go into housewife mode when I'm someone's soulmate- like, I'll make you pancakes and bacon every morning. Thomas: This is a lie. Thomas: I'm literally dating them. This is a lie. Thomas: THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO COOK A PANCAKE, WHAT IS THIS.

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Red: I like your new pants! Thomas: Thanks, they were 50% off! Red: I’d like them better if they were 100% off. *winks* Thomas: The store can’t just give away clothes for free. Red: Thats’s… not what I meant. Thomas: That’s a terrible way to run a business, Red.

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*At a speed dating event* Red: Oh wow, people are really shallow. Thomas: Consider it a background check. For example: Do you have a death certificate? Red: *Checks their pulse* Sorry, not yet. Thomas: Good, I'm not fucking a ghost again.

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Thomas: I’m in love with you. Red: We called off the prank war last night at midnight, dork. Thomas: I know. Red: Ah. Okay. Um. Cool. Neat. Very cool. Cool. Cool. Coolcoolcool-

Thomas: I love them both, but how do I propose to two people? Red: Two different restaurants, one person at each restaurant. Twice the dessert, twice the applause. Thomas: Won’t people think it’s weird if there is a third person just sitting there, though? Red: I saw someone feed their pet peacock crème brûlée from their mouth at the French place on the corner last week: I think faux third-wheeling at an engagement is the least of your worries.

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Red: This is horrible! This is the most humiliating thing to ever happen to me! Thomas: Oh-? Even more humiliating than- Red: We are not doing this!

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Thomas: You have your weirdly sincere humility. Red: I prefer the term "self-loathing", actually.

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Red: So what do you have planned for the future? Thomas: Lunch. Red: No, like long term. Thomas: Oh...um, dinner?

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Thomas: I’ve been sleeping so little the past few nights that when I go to the alarm app, I click on the “power nap” button. I don’t set up alarms, I set up timers, Red.

Red: I think I'm falling for you. Thomas: Then get up.

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Thomas, to Red: How do you tell someone politely you want to hit them with a brick?

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Thomas: Welcome to my room. As you can see, I've knocked over many chairs because I get so tilted at the towers. Red: Uh, this isn't really tilted. Or a tower. Thomas: Well you see, it's a gamer pad. Not many girls come in here because I get friendzoned so frequently. But that's okay. Red: I'd like to be in the Friendzone! I like friends! Thomas: It's not as pleasant as you think. They don't treat you like a friend. They treat you like an item. Sometimes I wish I could be more than just an accessory to these women; But unfortunately, as a gamer, I don't get respect. Red: I'm not a gamer! so maybe they'll respect me! Thomas: That just makes you a beta cuck.

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Red: If it’s any consolation, they got me here on a very misleading text message. Thomas: Technically, you are about to be screwed in the biology room.

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Red: I'm sorry. Please talk to me. Thomas: Red: Hello? World's most amazing person?? Sweet pea? Precious cinnamon roll that's too good for this world, too pure? Thomas: 'Sorry' doesn't bring back my fucking M&Ms.

Thomas: So uh, for this party and everything, do you, uh... Red, sighing: You don't know how to dress for this, do you? Thomas, panicked: WHAT IS CLOTHES???

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*Red and Thomas are in a car teetering on the edge of a cliff* Red: oh my god, Thomas, backwards! Thomas: Really, Red? I thought I might go forwards into the river, I thought that would be a fun thing to do.

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Teacher: Your child was in a fight. Thomas: Oh no, that’s terrible! Red: Did they win?

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Red: No, I don't want to talk about physics! I don't know anything about the laws of physics because they are hard and boring. I simply would like them to behave in a way that is most convenient to ME and MY LIFE! Is that really asking too much? Thomas: Yes, as a matter of fact, it is! Red: Well, guess what? Science is stupid bullshit!! Thomas: You take that back!!! Red: No. Magic is awesome. Science blows. The end.

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Red, barging in: Syphilis! Thomas: Red: Thomas: Pardon?

Thomas: WHY DID YOU KILL HIM?! HE COULD HAVE HAD HOPES AND DREAMS, HE COULD HAVE HAD A FAMILY!!! Red: Thomas- Red: It- it was just an ant-

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Alfie: Uh, I think I got your lunch. *Holds up a note that reads: ‘I am very proud of you. Love, Red’* Thomas: Oh yeah. I didn’t think this was for me. *Holds up a note that reads: ‘Be good. For the love of God, Please be good.’*

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Thomas: Are you drunk? Red: Only on the spirit of Christmas! Alfie: And the spirit of whisky.

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Alfie, about Thomas: They're covered in blood again. Why is it they're always covered in blood? Red: Well, it looks like it's their own blood this time.

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Red: Hello all, it is I, your favorite person. Alfie: Actually, Thomas is my favourite. Red: Okay then, it is I, that bitch.

Thomas: Where are you going? Red: To get MYSELF a gift cause somebody didn't get me one! Thomas: I told you I did! Its coming here on Friday! Alfie, knowing full well that Thomas got Red an engagement ring: *eating popcorn*

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Alfie: Please pray for Thomas. Red: What happened to them? Alfie: Nothing, they’re just very stupid.

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Thomas: Hey, Alfie you're smart, tell me what would happen if I chugged 3 gallons of chloroform. Alfie: Have you ever been to a mortuary? Thomas: Yea, my grandma lives there. Red: That is the worst response to that question.

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Thomas, to Red: Look at you! All cute and small! I could just eat you up! Red: *proceeds to kick them in the shin and run away* Alfie, walking past: Rule number 1, don't call Red cute or small.

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Red to Thomas: Me? I'm the bee knees, but, you? You're just... Alfie: Cockroach ankles! Red: Ye- uh, what?

Thomas: Any advice before Red and I fight? Alfie: Don’t wet yourself in public. Thomas: Not the kind of advice I was looking for!

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Red: Sometimes I like to place my hands on someone’s cheeks, look into their eyes... Red: ...And violently jerk their head until it snaps. Alfie: ...That took an unexpected turn. Thomas: So did their neck.

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Red: Yesterday, I overheard Alfie saying “Are you sure this is a good idea?” and Thomas replying “Trust me,” and I have never moved from one room to another so quickly in my life.

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Red: There are three ways to handle a difficult situation. The right way, the wrong way, and the Thomas way. Alfie: Isn't that the wrong way? Red: Yes, but it's faster.

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Alfie: Ooh, somebody has a crush Thomas: Pfft, I don’t have a crush on Red I just think they’re cool, it’s not like I stay up at night thinking about them. *Later that night* Thomas, very much awake: Uh oh.

Red: Guys where did Thomas go? Alfie: He got arrested. Red: How the hell- Thomas: *bursts in through the window* The cops are after me, I thought it would be fun to steal crackers and throw them at people.

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Thomas: Red, get that hideous thing out of the living room, would you? Red: Alfie, Thomas wants you to get out of the house.

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Red, at an awards show: Well, first of all, I’d like to thank Thomas, the love of my life, for telling me Alfie was going to win so don’t bother to prepare a speech.

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Red: The first time I ever got upset in front of Thomas, he put his arms around me and it was so awkward that I had to ask him if he was hugging me or reaching for something on the shelf behind me. Thomas: I was doing both, for your information. Alfie: The first time Thomas hugged me, it was such a disaster we didn’t make eye contact for, like, a week after.

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Alfie: Thomas- Thomas: *sighs* Red used to call me Thomas... Alfie: ...Because it's your fucking name.

[ryuzakemo128]

Peaky Blinders Incorrect Quotes (Part Fourteen)

(Part One / Part Two / Part Three / Part Four / Part Five / Part Six / Part Seven / Part Eight / Part Nine/ Part Ten / Part Eleven / Part Twelve  / Part Thirteen )

(Dividers by this person here)

Red: If I run and leap at Thomas, they will most certainly catch me in their arms. Red, running towards Thomas: Coming in! Thomas: No! I’m holding coffee! Thomas: *Drops coffee and catches Red*

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Red: Are you trying to seduce me? Thomas: Why, are you seducible?

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Red: What? I'm not aggressive! Thomas: Last Tuesday, you wacked me with a pair of crocs and stole my chocolate chips? Red: Survival of the fittest, bitch.

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Red: Shut up, you’re messing with my train of thought! Thomas: I thought you didn’t have a brain and now you say you have thoughts?

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Red I got us matching friendship bracelets, and you say I don't care about our relationship. Thomas: These are handcuffs. Red: Yeah, 'cause we're partners in crime!

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Red: So you're looking for information on this thing, huh? Well, I feel like it must be from far away. Thomas: What makes you say that? Red: If it's something even I don't know about, then I'm sure nobody else must have a clue. So it's gotta be from some faraway place. Impeccable reasoning, isn't it? Thomas: Red... You don't have a clue about this thing, do you? Red: *screams in anger*

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Thomas: Being half asleep and feeling someone gently plant a kiss on your forehead is one of the purest kinds of love in the world. Red: Unless you're home alone.

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Red: *closes a cabinet* *a crash is heard behind the cabinet door* Thomas: What was that? Red: The sound of someone else's problem.

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Red: Thomas, what is the ONE thing I asked you NOT to do tonight? Thomas: Raise the dead. Red: And what did you do? Thomas: Raise the dead.

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Thomas She couldn't find her way out of a paper bag. Red: That's not true! I found my way out of a paper bag yesterday!

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Thomas: Red, what do you call people you go out with but don’t try to sleep with? Red: ...People?

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Thomas: Red is restricted to decaf for the rest of this adventure.

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Red: Remember that time you dared me to lick a swing set? Thomas: No, I said "Red, don't lick that swing set" and you said "Don't tell me what to do" and licked the swing set.

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Red: Since we're in a relationship now, your clothes are my clothes too. Don't ask me why I have your shirt on, this is our shirt. Thomas: Fine, but when I come strutting in with your fuzzy socks I don't want to hear shit.

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Thomas: *dangling from a rope over a pit of fire* Remember when I said I’d tell you when we’re in too deep? Red: Yes? Thomas: We’re in too deep.

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Red: I just ended a five year relationship. Thomas: Oh no, are you okay? Red: It's okay, it wasn't mine.

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Red: I'm gonna get my pilot's license. I've already got a driver's license and a cosmetology license, that's two of the big five licenses. Thomas: The big five licenses? Red: Driver's license, cosmetology license, pilot's license, fishing license, and… license to kill! I can't wait to get that one.

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Red: Sorry I’m late, I was doing things. Thomas: Hi, I’m ‘things’.

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Red: Thomas, can I speak to you for a minute? In private. Thomas: Ooh, someone's in trouble. It's me. I don't know why I did that.

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Thomas: Just so everyone knows, don't ever try to climb a tree at night carrying a strobe light, owls DON'T like it. Red: ...what happened? Thomas: I made a VERY bad mistake.

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Red: I’m not being weird. Am I being weird? Thomas: Yes, and that’s coming from me.

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Thomas: Red, you risked your life to save me! Red: And I’d do it again! And perhaps a third time! But that would be it.

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Red: I desire moisture. Thomas: Please just say "I want water" like a normal person.

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Thomas: Hey there demons, It's me, ya boi. Red: Thomas, NO!

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Thomas: *holding a salt packet* It’s just a little sodium chloride. Red: Actually Thomas, it’s salt. Thomas: That’s what I said, sodium chloride. Red: Uh Thomas, that would be salt. Red: *takes salt packer from Thomas* This is iodized table salt, which in addition to sodium chloride contains anti-caking agents and potassium iodate, which is added to prevent iodine deficiency. So not only are you being overly pretentious by insisting on using scientific terminology for everyday items, you are factually wrong. Your arrogance is your downfall, you annoying little shit.

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Red: Ha! Don't you know the trappers trap can trap the trapper? Red: I must be losing it, I'm quoting Thomas.

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Red: My only talent is being stress. Thomas: Don't you mean stressed? Red: No.

[ryuzakemo128]

Peaky Blinders Incorrect Quotes (Part Seven)

(Part One / Part Two / Part Three / Part Four / Part Five / Part Six / Part Seven / Part Eight / Part Nine / Part Ten )

(Dividers by this person here )

Red: You’re a loose cannon, Aberama.

Aberama: No, I’m not. I’m a cannon, maybe, but a loose cannon? Is that what you think of me?

Alfie: I think you play by your own rules.

Thomas: No way, they think rules were made to be broken.

Red: Those are all attributes of a loose cannon.

Aberama: No, I’m just a reckless renegade. Michael is a loose cannon.

Michael: *smashes a chair* Aah! You shut your trap, Aberama!

Thomas: I’d say Michael’s more of a cop on the edge with nothing to lose. That’s an entirely different thing.

Alfie: Now I’m just confused. Is Aberama a loose cannon or not?

Red: All right, put on a pot of coffee. We’re gonna get to the bottom of this.

Aberama: *groans*

Michael: Aw, man.

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Michael: Why aren't there friend pick up lines? Pick up lines to make friends like- Michael, to Aberama: Hey, that's a cute outfit. You know where it would look better? On nobody else, because you're a beautiful individual. Thomas, to Red: Be my friend or I'll set your entire family on fire. Alfie: There are two types of people.

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Michael: So don't panic but one of us is possessed by an owl.... Aberama: .... Alfie: ..... Red: ...... Thomas: ..Who? Michael: That's the thing we don't- *Everyone stares at Thomas*

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Michael: What do rainbows mean to you? Alfie: Gay rights. Aberama: There's money. Thomas: The sign of God's promise to never destroy the whole Earth with a flood. Red: It is an optical phenomenon that separates sunlight into its continuous spectrum when the sun shines on raindrops.

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Aberama: Where's Michael, Thomas, and Alfie? Red: They're playing hide and seek. Aberama: Where? Red: I don't think you get how this game works.

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(To full get this one. I suggest reading Chapter 20 of The Angel of Death)

Red: You really put aside everything and came all this way for me? How did you even get here so fast? Alfie: Several traffic violations. Aberama: Three counts of resisting arrest. Michael: Roughly thirteen cans of energy drinks. Thomas: Also, that’s not our car.

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Thomas: You know, Aberama gives Red flowers everyday, I wish you'd do that too. Alfie: Okay. *Later* Alfie: *gives Red flowers* Red: ??? Alfie: I don't know, I'm confused as well.

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Alfie: What are you getting Aberama for the holidays? Thomas: I don't know. It's kind of hard buying a gift for your partner when they already got everything they could've ever wanted when they married you. So I'm not sure yet. Michael: I'm getting Aberama a divorce lawyer.

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Thomas: *about Michael and Red* They make a cute couple, huh? Aberama: They certainly are standing next to each other.

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Michael: Why are your tongues purple? Thomas: We had slushies. I had a blue one. Red: I had a red one. Michael: oh. Michael: Michael: OH. Aberama: Aberama: You drank each others slushies?

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*Trying to cheer Red after a break up* Aberama: You broke up with Alfie for a reason. Red: I know, I know. I’m just so tired of missing them. Tired of wondering why they haven’t called. Why haven’t they called? Michael: Maybe because you told them not to. Red: What are you, the Memory Person?

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Red: I never said I was gonna get back together with him. But I was thinking, he's in town, would it be the worst thing in the world if I gave him a call? Alfie: No. No, Red, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. It would be the fourth worst thing. Number one: a super volcano. Number two: an asteroid hits the Earth. Number three: All the Evel Knievel movies are lost. Number four: Red calls Thomas. Number five: Aberama gets eaten by a shark. Aberama: I’m Aberama, and I approve the order of that list.

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Thomas: I love you. Red: I love you too. I've waited so long to hear you say that. *Thomas and Red kiss passionately* Michael, to Aberama: You owe me 20 dollars.

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Thomas: Alfie, let’s go! Alfie: Oh, yeah, about telling Mom and Dad, I was thinking about writing maybe a letter. Thomas: Okay, you know what? That’s it, you had your chance. Alfie: What-? Thomas: Mom, Dad, Alfie smoked pot in college. Alfie: You are such a tattletale! Alfie: Mom, Dad, you remember that time you walked into my room and smelled marijuana? Well, I told you it was Jack who was smoking the pot but... It was me. I’m sorry. Thomas: And Dad, you know that mailman that you got fired? He didn’t steal your Playboy’s, Alfie did. Alfie: Yeah, well, hurricane Gloria didn’t break the porch swing Thomas did. Thomas: Alfie hasn’t worked for a year! Alfie: Thomas and Jack are living together! Thomas: Alfie married Johnny Dogs in Vegas and got divorced AGAIN! Red: I love Jacques Cousteau! Johnny Dogs:: I wasn’t supposed to put beef in the trifle! Aberama:: I wanna gooo!!

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Thomas, at Johnny Dogs: You're my significant other. Johnny Dogs: Yeah I am! Thomas, at Aberama: You're my child. Aberama: Yes boss. Thomas, at Alfie: You're my bitch. Alfie: Yeah I am- wait, what? Thomas, at Red: My bestie. Red: Naturally. Thomas, Jack: HA, GAY! Jack: Fuck you.

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Alfie: From now on we will be using code names. Alfie: You can address me as Eagle One. Alfie: Thomas is “been there done that”. Alfie: Johnny Dogs is “currently doing that”. Alfie: Red is “it happened once in a dream”. Alfie: Jack is “if I had to pick a dude/gal/enby”. Alfie: And Aberama is.. Alfie: Eagle Two Aberama: Oh thank god.

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Aberama: Johnny Dogs is too tall for me to kiss them on the lips. What should I do? Jack: Punch them in the stomach. Then, when they double over in pain, kiss them. Alfie: Tackle them! Thomas: Dump them. Red: Kick them in the shin! Johnny Dogs: No to all of those! Just ask me to lean down!!

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Jack: Just be yourself. Red: Really? Jack, I have one day to win over Aberama’s parents. Red: How long did it take for you guys to like me? Thomas: Couple of weeks. Johnny Dogs: Six months. Alfie: Jury’s still out. Red: See Jack? ‘Just be yourself,’ what kind of garbage advice is that?!

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Johnny Dogs: If you had too, what would you give up food or sex? Red: Sex. Aberama: Seriously, answer faster. Red: I’m sorry honey, when they said sex I wasn’t thinking about sex with you. Aberama: It’s like a giant hug. Johnny Dogs: Alfie, what about you? What would you give up sex or food? Alfie: Food. Johnny Dogs: Okay, how about sex or dinosaurs? Alfie: Oh my God it’s like the movie Sophie’s Choice. Thomas: What about you Jack? What would you give up sex or food? Jack: Oh... um... I don’t know, it’s too hard. Thomas: No, you gotta pick one. Jack: Um, food... no, sex... no, food... sex... food. Ugh! I don’t know! I want both! I- I want hot people on bread!

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Alfie: What’s the announcement, Red? Red: It’s a lecture. Thomas’s gonna tell us everything they know about sex. Aberama: It should be an enjoyable 60 seconds.

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Thomas: Red, you'll be working with Aberama and Alfie. Red: Alright! My fantasy threesome! Everyone else: *blank stares* Red: ...Of people on a team.

-----------------------------------

Thomas: Do you love Aberama? Alfie: Yeah, I do. Thomas: Red! I told you I knew it! You owe me 100 bucks! Red: We all love Aberama. You should've asked if they were IN love with them. Alfie: I thought that was implied. Red: ... Thomas: ... Alfie, looking straight at Red: Congrats Thomas, you just won 100 bucks.

-----------------------------------

Red: How is the most beautiful person in the world? Thomas: *blushing* I— Aberama, butting into the conversation: Alfie is perfect, thanks for asking.

-----------------------------------

Thomas: This food is too hot... I cant eat it. Red: You’re very hot, and I still eat you. Everyone at the table: *silence* Alfie: YOU GUYS ARE DISGUSTING! Aberama: One dinner... I just want ONE DINNER!

-----------------------------------

Aberama: I sleep with a gun under my pillow. Alfie: I sleep with a knife. Red: Both of you are pathetic. Aberama: Oh yeah? What do you sleep with? Red: Thomas.

-----------------------------------

Thomas: Hi, sorry I’m late. I was doing a couple of things and got distracted. Aberama: I’m “a couple of things”. Red: I’m “got distracted”.

-----------------------------------

*Aberama recording whilst Red and Alfie are arguing* Red: HOLD UP, HOLD UP, HOLD UP, HOLD UP!! HER SISTER WAS A WITCH, RIGHT? AND WHAT WAS HER SISTER? A PRINCESS! THE WICKED WITCH OF THE EAST, BRO! Aberama: *wheezes like a tea kettle* Alfie, pulling out a knife: I'm gonna stab her. Red: YOU'RE GONNA LOOK AT ME AND YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME THAT I'M WRONG? AM I WRONG? Alfie: It's my favorite movi- Red: SHE WORE A CROWN AND SHE CAME DOWN IN A BUBBLE, ALFIE! Alfie: I'm not fighting with you, I'm not fighting with y- Red: GROW UP, BRO. GROW UP!

-----------------------------------

*Thomas rushes by with an armful of water bottles* Alfie: What's going on? Red: Thomas wouldn't drink water. Alfie: ...And? Red: And I asked him how fast they could chug an entire bottle. Thomas, loudly: 16 OUNCES IN TEN SECONDS, BITCHES!

-----------------------------------

Alfie: What would Red think? Aberama: Ok, that’s an interesting thought, but hear me out: what if… we ran an experiment where we spent the rest of our lives finding out what happened if we never told them?

-----------------------------------

Alfie: Nice rock. Aberama: Thanks, Red gave it to me. Red: I threw it at you! Aberama: Aren't they the sweetest?

-----------------------------------

Red: Hold on! I’m having one of those things... a headache with pictures. Thomas: What the fuck? Aberama: They’re having an idea.

-----------------------------------

Thomas: So, what is Aberama to you? Red: The reason I wake up every morning. Thomas: ...That’s adorable. Aberama earlier that morning, barging into Red′s room, smacking pans together: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP!!!

-----------------------------------

Red: I'm gonna eat the chicken breasts! Alfie, snickering: Yeah, eat what you lack. Thomas, deadpanning at Alfie: Then maybe I should order brains on delivery for you.

-----------------------------------

Red: How are we supposed to put a tracker the size of a penny on Alfie without them noticing? Aberama: Hey, Alfie, I bet you 5 bucks that you can't swallow this penny. Alfie: *takes and swallows tracker* Pay up, loser. Red: ...

[ryuzakemo128]

Peaky Blinders Incorrect Quotes (Part Ten)

(Part One / Part Two / Part Three / Part Four / Part Five / Part Six / Part Seven / Part Eight / Part Nine / Part Ten )

(Divider by this person here )

Aberama: Welcome to Fucking Applebees, do you want apples or bees? Red: Bees? Aberama: THEY HAVE SELECTED THE BEES! Red: Wait- *Alfie approaches, shaking a jar of bees menacingly*

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Aberama: Look at the buns on that guy! Red: *lying on the floor, covered in hamburger buns* Alfie: This is the comedy police! The joke's too funny! Aberama: I'm not going back to jail!

———————————-

Thomas: Aberama won’t come out of their room! Red: Just tell them I said something. Thomas: Like what? Red: Anything factually incorrect. Thomas, shrugging: If you say so. Aberama, arriving moments later: Did you just say the sun is a PLANET?

———————————-

Red: *talking about Aberama’s funeral* You do know we’re burying a great person today! Alfie, shocked: Did someone else die?

———————————-

Alfie: Would you slap Aberama- Red: Yes. Alfie: I didn't even finish! Red: Sorry, continue. Alfie: Would you slap Aberama for 10 dollars? Red: I would do it for free. Aberama: Rude...

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Thomas: Alfie you can’t move in with Red. Alfie: Why not? Thomas: Well, um, how are you going to feel when they see you without any makeup? Alfie: I’m not wearing makeup right now. Thomas: Holy crap, you’re beautiful.

———————————-

Red: Adulting is hard. Red: How do I quit? Thomas: Time travel. Aberama: Die.

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Alfie: How do you tell someone that you wanna have sex with them in a polite way? Aberama: Excuse me Mx. Would you give me the honours of indulging in sexual activities with you? Red: What the fuck is wrong with you two?

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Red: I hate to tell you this, but one of you was adopted. Thomas & Alfie: Thomas: Only one...?

———————————-

Alfie, planning a group disguise: You cannot be Blake Bortles. Red: Fine! Then I’ll be Jake- Aberama, under their breath: Don’t say Jortles. Red: Jortles! And I work at the molotov cocktail department.

———————————-

Alfie: Why would you think any of this was a good idea?! Red: Probably because I’m a dangerous sociopath with a long line of violence. Alfie: Oh... Thomas, from across the room: *from across the room* I don’t understand how you keep forgetting that.

———————————-

Red: While I'm gone, you're in charge Alfie. Alfie: Yes! Red, whispering to Thomas: You're secretly in charge, but I don't want them to feel bad. Thomas: Obviously.

———————————-

Aberama: Why were you up yesterday until 3am? Red: How did you know I was up until 3am? Thomas: We could hear you clapping to the FRIENDS intro every 25 minutes.

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Thomas: Your lab is in the bathroom? Alfie: Aberama says this is the perfect place for my work. I’m just now realizing that remark may not have been entirely complimentary.

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Aberama: What, in the name of sanity, have you got on your head? Alfie: It's a fez, I wear a fez now. Fezzes are cool. Thomas: *snatches the fez, throws it in the air* Aberama: *shoots it*

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Thomas: It’s impossible to make a sentence without using the letter a. Aberama: Despite your thinking, it is quite possible, yet difficult, to form one without the specific letter. Here’s one more to further disprove your theory. Red: Fuck you.

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Red: Which movie are you and Alfie going to see tonight? Thomas: Oh, I always go to whichever movie Alfie wants. Red: Which one does he want to see? Thomas: I haven't decided yet.

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Red: I have locked Thomas in a cage designed by their own art. Oh, he has been well and truly hoist by his own petard. Aberama: Could you put it another way? I didn’t understand a word of that. Red: I’m blackmailing him. Aberama: Oh, happy days.

———————————-

Aberama, trying to impress Red: I re-initialized the entire command structure, retaining all programmed abilities but deleting the supplementary preference architecture. Alfie: He turned it off and back on again.

———————————-

Alfie: I hate you sometimes. Aberama: Well according to this picture Red drew of us holding hands that's not true. Alfie: Aberama, you drew that. Aberama: It doesn't matter.

———————————-

Alfie: Red, I am questioning your sanity... Thomas: I never questioned it, I knew their sanity was missing from the start.

———————————-

Aberama: So how’s the food Red made? Alfie: It's great! Compliments to her. Aberama: *goes to the kitchen* Aberama: You're adorable. Red: *blushes*

———————————-

Red: But what about Thomas? Aberama: Don't worry about him. Aberama: I once watched him fall down 5 flights of stairs, stand up, and keep eating his hotdog like nothing happened.

———————————-

Aberama: Alfie won’t wake up, what do I do? Red: Did you try kicking them? Aberama: Yes. Red: I’m out of ideas.

———————————-

Aberama: *speaking Spanish* Thomas: I know, I know. Red: You speak Spanish? Thomas: No. I just know the phrase, 'this is all your fault' in every language Aberama speaks.

———————————-

Red: Guys, Thomas is missing. Aberama: Good.

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Thomas: If you get in trouble, I'm gonna be like... a lawyer to you. Ok? Alfie: Okay. *later* Aberama: Alfie! Sit down on the chair, you're in trouble. Thomas, whispering: Deny everything. Alfie, loudly: That isn't a chair.

———————————-

Aberama: Anyone else feel good when their brain releases a bunch of endorphins? Thomas: Can't relate. Alfie: Why would my brain release a bunch of dolphins?

———————————-

Thomas: We’re playing Scrabble. It’s a nightmare. Alfie: Scrabble? Scrabble’s great. Thomas: Not when you’re playing with Aberama, it’s not. He puts words like “ephemeral” and I put “dog.”

———————————-

Red: Dandelions symbolize everything I want to be in life. Thomas: Fluffy and dead with a gust of wind? Red: Unapologetic. Hard to kill. Feral, filled with sunlight, bright, beautiful in a way that the conventional and controlling hate but cannot ever fully destroy. Stubborn. Happy. Bastardous. Friends with bees. Highly disapproving of lawns. Full of wishes that will be carried far after I die. Alfie: Edible.

———————————-

Thomas: What makes you think it's okay to watch Hannibal given its subject matter? Red: Sometimes, I watch television shows for entertainment purposes. Aberama: Because I condone murder and cannibalism.

———————————-

Aberama: Without ugly, there would be no beauty in this world. Alfie: Thank you for your sacrifice, Thomas.

———————————-

Red: Would you take a bullet for me? Aberama: ...yes? *Thomas angrily burst into the room* Red: *running away* Great, thanks!

———————————-

Alfie: I know we’re not exactly friends, but- Red: What do you want? Alfie: I've been stuck with Aberama for 2 weeks and he has been drinking all the soy sauce. Alfie: Help.

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Aberama: Why does Alfie always do the laundry so loudly? Thomas: So everyone knows that no one helps them out in the house. Alfie, in the distance: *slams the washing machine shut*

———————————-

Red, to Alfie: If you see Aberama, give them this message *makes a neutral face* Red: They'll know what it means. *later* Alfie: oh, and Red said to give you a message. Alfie: *makes a neutral face* Aberama: Oh no. The neutral face of displeasure.

———————————-

Red: Regular soda is too sweet! Alfie: Diet soda has a weird after taste! Red: No! Ugh, oh my god. Diet soda is THE BEST! It doesn't have sugar! It's SPICY! Alfie: It has other weird stuff in it! I'll take REGULAR sugar in my REGULAR soda! Red: It's SO SWEET like it's a dessert though! Diet feels more like a drink! Alfie: I'm going to physically attack you. Red: Which is better, Aberama? Aberama: Oh, I usually drink water! Alfie: Wha- NO! Red: DISGUSTING!

———————————-

Aberama: Look, I know you think my judgement's clouded because I like Alfie a little bit. Red, holding Aberama's notepad: You doodled your wedding invitation. Aberama: No, that's our joint tombstone. Red: My mistake.

———————————-

Thomas: I’m afraid of clowns. There, I said it. Aberama: Thomas, if you don't like clowns, why are you hanging with Alfie?

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Red: Do you ever get pre-annoyed? Like you already know someone is going to piss you off? Thomas: What? No, I— Aberama: *enters room* Red: *jaw clenches*

———————————-

Alfie: Aberama- Aberama: *sighs* Red used to call me Aberama... Alfie: ...Because it's your fucking name.

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Red: So... This is my full potential? Aberama: Yes. Red: So, then it's... Aberama: All downhill from here. Red: Like Thomas. Aberama: I do not know what this Thomas is. But it sounds disappointing.

———————————-

Alfie: What are you two arguing about this time? Red: He is always using common phrases incorrectly! Aberama: Cry me a table, Red.

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Aberama: Guess what number I’m thinking of. Alfie: 420? Aberama: No, that’s really immature of you. Someone else guess, and please take this seriously. Thomas: 69. Aberama: Yeah it was 69.

———————————-

Aberama: The odds of this happening by coincidence are vanishingly small. Red: I would say infinitesimally. Alfie: And I'd say teenily-weenily. We all know words.

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Thomas: I think Aberama is in trouble. Red: Alright. Struggling to give a fuck, if I’m honest.

———————————-

Red: So what, now I’m just supposed to do everything that Alfie does? What if he jumps off a cliff? Thomas: If Alfie were to jump off a cliff, he would have done their due diligence regarding the height of the cliff, the depth of the water, and the angle of entry. So yes, if you see Alfie jump off a cliff, by all means, jump off a cliff. Red: You jump off a cliff. Thomas: Gladly, provided Alfie did first.

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Alfie: Self care is stuff like taking a bubble bath or putting on a lot of make up if you like that, or taking a nice warm nap and stuff like that basically. Thomas: Self care is the burning heat when rage washes over you. self care is when you feel the bones crack under your powerful fists. self care is the fear in your enemies eyes. Aberama: Self care is stealing someones birthday cake just to eat the frosting. Thomas: If you touch my birthday cake I’ll make you eat your hands.

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Aberama: Red doesn’t look very happy. Alfie: That's their happy. They're just a bitch.

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Red, to Thomas: If Alfie doesn't say "I'm King of the world" within an hour on that boat, I will give you my next pay check. Alfie, within 5 minutes of getting on the boat: I'M KING OF THE WORLD!!!

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Alfie: Hey, do you know the password to Red’s computer? Aberama: Fuck you, Alfie. Alfie: Hey!! Aberama: No, you misunderstood, the password is "fuckyouAlfie". Alfie: Oh, no numbers? Not very safe.

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Alfie: So, are you two friends? Aberama: Yes. Red: No.

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Thomas: Hey, no, you stay out of this, this is between me and Alfie! Aberama: So Alfie knows about this? Thomas, walking away: No, this is between me and me!

———————————-

Red to Aberama: First rule of battle, little one... don’t ever let them know where you are. Thomas, shooting out of frame: WHOO-HOO! I’M RIGHT HERE! I’M RIGHT HERE! YOU WANT SOME O’ ME?! YEAH YOU DO! COME ON! COME ON! AAAAAH! Whoo-hoo! Red: 'Course, there’re other schools of thought.

———————————-

Alfie: Aberama said its my turn with the brain cell. Red: Square up.

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Red: They can't make me admit France exists, right? Legally, that's not allowed. Red: Sure, if France was REAL I'd say I liked it. Red: But who's to say. Alfie: I think France isn't real. Aberama: Alfie, you've been to France. Alfie: And???

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Red: There's beer in the cooler. Thomas: What about for the children? Red: You can get water from that water fountain and use it to water down the beer. Aberama: Why don't we just give the kids water? Red, angrily: I suppose you could do that!

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Thomas: Why are there little handprints all over the walls? Aberama, whispering: Why are there little handprints all over the walls? Alfie, whispering: Because I have little hands. Aberama: Because he has little hands.

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Thomas: I’m telling you, my team is competent. Red, rushing in: Thomas! Aberama tried to make pasta in the coffee pot and now it's broken!

———————————-

Aberama: Remember! Curiosity killed the cat! Red: Yes, but you forget that satisfaction brought it back. So yes, Alfie, go find out if that thing can catch fire! Aberama: You're a bad influence. Red: And you don't know your sayings.

———————————-

Alfie: The best way to gain someone's undying loyalty is by saving them from a perilous situation. Thomas: So you're just gonna wait until Aberama is in danger and save them? Alfie: Of course not, I'm going to create a situation that puts them in danger and then save them. Thomas: ... Thomas: You're insane.

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Red: The best part of an oreo is the cookie part, not the frosting. Deal with it. Thomas: Darkness without light is an abyss. Light without darkness is blinding. You cannot have a coin with one side. Aberama: YO SOCRATES! IT'S A FUCKING COOKIE!

———————————-

Red: What are you writing? Aberama: The government wants to know what kind of weapons we have in the house. I'm letting them know it's private information. Thomas, looking over Aberama's shoulder: This just says 'fuck around and find out' in calligraphy.

———————————-

Red: Thanks for not telling Alfie what happened. Aberama, dumbfounded: I wouldn’t even know where to begin trying to explain this.

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Aberama: What time is it? Red: I don’t know, pass me that saxophone and we’ll find out Red: *BLASTS the saxophone* Alfie: WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING THE SAXAPHONE AT TWO IN THE FUCKING MORNING Red: It’s 2 am

———————————-

Red: What happened to Thomas? Aberama: He died. Red: He what? Aberama: He died, but he's okay. Red: …Can you please clarify? Thomas: Clarification is for the weak.

[ryuzakemo128]

Peaky Blinders Incorrect (Part Eleven)

(Part One / Part Two / Part Three / Part Four / Part Five / Part Six / Part Seven / Part Eight / Part Nine / Part Ten )

(Dividers by this person here )

Michael: What’s wrong? You look 10 seconds away from ripping someone’s throat out. Gina: Fucking Thomas and Red were trying to invoke one of the minor gods again last night. I didn't get an ounce of sleep, thanks to their bloody chanting.

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Gina: Is the plural of milf/dilf milfs/dilfs or milves/dilves? Red: Milfs. Thomas: Milf/dilf is an acronym, you can't change the spelling to milves/dilves. Gina: Wait, they're acronyms? What do they stand for??? Michael: Mom in late forties, dad in late forties. Michael: I learned that from the movie called M.I.L.F that I saw the trailer of in theaters probably 5 to 7 years ago. Thomas: Mom/dad I'd Love to Fuck. Gina: WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK— Gina: I NEVER REALIZED IT WAS ACTUALLY HORNY! Michael: Oh, is it not mom in late forties? Red: What? No! It isn't! Michael: THE MOVIE TRAILER LIED TO ME! Thomas: Michael..... Michael: THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T THINK CALLING PEOPLE MILFS WAS ALL THAT BAD BECAUSE IT STOOD FOR SOMETHING HARMLESS IT JUST HAD A SLIGHTLY SEXUAL CONNOTATION! Thomas: I am entirely unsurprised that this is coming from you. Michael: GINA, DOES IT MAKE SENSE WHY I CALLED THE DIARY OF A WIMPY KID MOM A MILF NOW BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS LITERALLY JUST A DESCRIPTOR WITH FUNNY CONNOTATION! Gina: The word milf has been ruined for me. Red: THAT'S ITS DEFINITION, IT CAN'T BE RUINED THAT'S WHAT IT MEANS! Thomas: Y'all are dumbasses.

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Gina: Die. Red: Please don't die! Gina: DIE! Red: PLEASE DON'T DIE! Michael, confused: Why are they yelling at a plant? Thomas, watching while eating popcorn: They bought it together and Red wants Gina to accept it as their kid.

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Red: What’s up with Gina? They’ve been laying on the floor for like….an hour now? Thomas: They're just a little overwhelmed. Red: Why? Thomas: Michael smiled at them.

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Red: I give up. I am so tired. Michael: Get the emergency supply! Gina: *carries Thomas and places him in front of Red* Thomas: *smiles* Red: AND I AM BACK BABY, LET’S GOOO

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Red: We can bake these cookies at 400 degrees for 10 minutes or 4,000 degrees for 1 minute. Gina: No, that's not how you make cookies. Thomas: FLOOR IT!! Red: How about 4,000,000 degrees for 1 second?!? Gina: yOU'RE GONNA BURN THE HOUSE DOWN- Red:I'M GONNA HARNESS THE POWER OF THE FUCKING SUN TO MAKE COOKIES! Michael: DO IT! Gina: NO-

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Red: What do you want then? Gina: Er… something work related. Red: What department is this? Gina: Sorry? Red: Well, if it’s work related you’d obviously know what department this is. What department is this? Red: *looks at Michael and Thomas* Some sort of homosexual department?

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Red: Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, and wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. Gina: That's deep. Michael: That means that ketchup is a smoothie. Gina: That's deeper. Thomas: ...You guys are idiots.

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Michael: Thomas’s gonna kill me. Gina: No, they'll probably make me do it.

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Red, talking about Michael: Is this a friend of yours, Thomas? Thomas: Kind of? Not really. They're in my life and there's nothing I can do about it.

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Thomas: Okay, can we all stop saying stupid shit for a moment, please?! Red: Alright. Michael: Hey, I- Thomas: SHUT UP! Michael: I HAVEN'T EVEN FINISHED MY SENTENCE!! Red: It was bound to be stupid.

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Thomas: Wow! Gina made you cry? Red, tearing up: Yes, and they said some really mean things that are only partly true.

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Michael, knocking on the door: Thomas, open up! Thomas: It all started when I was a kid. Michael: That’s not what I- Red: Let them finish!

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Michael: *Holds a sign that says "Prom?" outside Red's window* Michael: OH my God, Yes! Thomas: *Yelling up* No, tell Red! Michael: Red! I'm going to prom with your lover!

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Michael, watching Gina do something stupid: Thomas, you're officially only the second highest risk here. Thomas: Hell yeah! I'm gonna— Michael: Don't finish that sentence, you'll move back up.

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Michael: Red is a perfect cinnamon scone who’s never done anything wrong in their entire life! Thomas: Never done anything wrong?! They set a city block on FIRE!

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Michael: Red, I know you love Thomas. I mean, we all do, he is a very nice person and I respect him immensely. Michael: But I think he might be a fucking idiot.

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Red, grinning: Before you were what? Michael: Before I was- Red: What? Michael: Before I was inter- Red: Before you were interrupted? Michael: Cut me off one more time and I swear I'll- Red: What? Michael: *makes frustrated sound* Gina, nervously: Stop that. Before he hurts you.

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Red: Thomas annoyed me today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he has planned for our special day tomorrow. Michael: There is nothing special about tomorrow. Red: But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as panic takes over.

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Gina: Michael has no survival skills, his need to win has replaced him. Thomas: That can't be true! Gina: Watch this. Gina: Hey Michael, race you to the bottom of the stairs! Michael: *Throws himself out a window*

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Red: Protip is you do not feel good about yourself after eating tomato sauce on iceberg lettuce. Michael: What's wrong with you?? Red: I literally JUST said I ate tomato sauce on iceberg lettuce?? Pay attention. Gina: No, he means other than that. Red: Ohhhhhh. Red: I haven't slept in 4 days.

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Red: I hate to to tell you this, but one of you was adopted. Gina & Thomas: Gina: Was it Thomas?

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Gina: YOU CHEATED! Red: So did my dad, but hey, my mom knew it all and even sorted out their wedding, so what’s the problem? Thomas: I… can confirm that that actually happened. 

Gina: …What.

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Gina: Did you take out Thomas as I requested? Red: Thomas has been taken out, yes. Gina: You have my grat- Red: It was a great restaurant. Red: We had a romantic candlelit dinner. Red: Thomas proposed afterwards- we’re filing the wedding papers.

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Thomas: Michael gave me a get better soon card. Red: That's sweet! Thomas: I wasn't sick, they just think I can do better.

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*Something crashes* Michael: Shoot- Red: *running into the room in a panic* WHAT FELL?! Gina: *walking by the room calmly* What died?

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Red: Hah! 69! you know what that means? Thomas: What? Gina: That you're a child. Michael: HOW YOU GUESS MY IQ?!?

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Thomas: I’m so happy two of my favorite people are getting along now. Michael: Uh, Red and Gina are not getting along. Thomas: They’re not trying to kill each other. Michael: You may have a point.

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Gina: Is stabbing someone immoral? Red: Not if they consent to it. Thomas: Depends on who your stabbing. Michael: YES??!!?

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Gina, texting in the group chat: I wonder what Apple shots would look like? Red: *Sends a picture of of a syringe with an apple slice shoddily edited inside* Michael: *Sends a picture of a shot glass with an Apple poorly drawn inside* Thomas: *Sends picture of person dunking a Basketball into the hoop but replaced the basketball with a poorly resized apple* Gina: I hate all of you.

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Michael: Those darn tall old people. Thomas: Darn em' indeed. Gina: Don't worry, they'll be gone soon enough. Red: *sharpening knife* Yes. Dead. The Squad: Red: Hahaha. Red: ...Is this self-destructive behavior?

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Gina: Where's Thomas? Michael: Don't worry, I'll find him. Michael, shouting: Red sucks! Thomas, distantly: Red is the best person ever! Fuck you! Michael: Found him.

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Michael: We might have gotten into a bar room brawl back in the city. Thomas: Well, that was entirely predictable. Michael: One of them punched a gang member. Thomas: Gina? Michael: Red, actually. Thomas: Oh, that was going to be my second guess.

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Michael: That's ridiculous, Gina doesn't have a crush on me. Red: Yes she does. Thomas: Yes she does. Gina: Yes I do.

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Michael: *falls down the stairs* Thomas: Are you okay? Red: Stop falling down the stairs! Gina: How’d the ground taste?

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Michael, watching Thomas and Gina fight: Are you sure they should be fighting? What if they get hurt? Red, not bothered by the chaos: It’s fine. They’re too evenly matched to hurt each other. Michael: Then... who’s the strongest out of you three? Thomas: Red. Gina: Red. Red: Me.

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Thomas: Why is Michael crying on the floor? Red: They're drunk. Thomas: And? Red: They saw a picture of Gina's spouse. Thomas: But they're Gina's spouse. Red: I know.

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Michael: How late were you up last night? Gina & Thomas, in tandem: Me? Michael: No, not you two. You stay up late all the time. Michael, to Red: You.

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Thomas: *tapping fingers on table* Red: *taps fingers back furiously* Gina: …What’s going on? Michael: Morse code. They’re talking. Thomas: -.-- ..- .-. / - …. . / -.-. ..- - . … - Red: *slams hands on table* YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

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Red: Sometimes I drink milk straight from the container. Thomas: The cow?? Red: What? Gina: Thomas, W H Y?

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Red: What if people had food names and food had people names? Gina: Hey, spaghetti, we’re having Red for dinner. Thomas: What is wrong with you people? Michael: Shut up, chocolate.

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Thomas: You’re such a dumbass (affectionate). Red: Aww, you’re such a whore (complimentary). Michael: How are you talking like that in real life? Red: Witchcraft (derogatory).