#pdsm

[lynxindisguise]

not me editing pdsm and finding this gem of a quote:

With a rippling shudder, he breaks like a dam, releasing a flood of tears and with it, loud, choking sobs. They’ve seen Remus cry before, in that silent, restrained way of his, but not like this. Never like this.

[pretty-quasar]

PDSM comp 2023 🥈

📍 Birmingham, UK

📸 Studio Medusa Photo

[copingmechanism1899]

Sept 4, 2023

I am... really bad at this journaling thing.

Anyways, this came about because today was the first day of classes for me, and the last friend at home flies back to school tomorrow.

~~~

I've been at school basically all my life. I've probably typed it before, but I did summer school going into freshman year of highschool, and kept doing that until it became CLEP testing and literally nothing (because of physical injury).

2 summers ago was the first summer I didn't have summer school. I thought it was going to be my one summer to fuck around (and maybe get a job) before I got serious. Make it the summer that would appear in a horror movie where a group of people have no responsibilities and just... go somewhere to get k*lled do something.

But that didn't happen because I got injured and couldn't walk.

So I wasted away, doing CLEP tests and being generally bored. I can barely remember what I did. I know I spent time with family, and I'm sure I did something fun, but there's nothing that really comes to mind when I give it a thought.

This summer is not much better. I know I mentioned going out of state to visit family, and that was fun. But what else did I do? What was the most exciting part of my summer? I'm being asked this in every meeting, class, gathering... and I don't know how to answer without it being... weird.

"Summer was fun! I found out that I have idiopathic hypersomnia, and I could be medicated, but I can't because I'm in a different state." (yeah, I did a sleep study, more on that later.)

Or perhaps "Oh yeah, this summer I spent three months in what felt like school with a bunch of people who are also mentally unwell. Thankfully only a few of them annoyed me, the rest were all unmemorable."

Yikes.

For a fleeting moment at the end of the last school year, I thought, "Damn, I didn't make it last year, but maybe this year I'll at least go do something for myself." (More than like, reading or drawing, or something that can be done when/wherever.) I thought that maybe this summer I'd actually get the balls to check out something like Omegamart or even just go camping with friends. I don't know, I just really wanted some time to do... nothing.

And I know that sounds bad. I don't want to be a NEET or a freeter, but I just needed time so stop. I ended the last semester in tears, finishing packing mere hours before it had to go into storage. I couldn't even remember what I brought home. I wasn't sure that I wanted to go back.

But I got home, and not even a full week after classes ended, I was in PHP. I don't even think I managed to unpack before I started. But my mom wanted me to try, so I agreed. I don't think I understood how much time this was going to take up.

Three months. Approximately 90 days. I heard that number a few times but it didn't hit me how much that was until it was over. I don't know what I was thinking, but I guess I thought I would still have some time to myself this summer.

But with a 4 year old sibling, and everybody home all day, I think (not including driving, which doesn't count because I shouldn't zone out then), there was less than 24 waking hours where I was alone. And not just alone in a room, but actually alone enough to relax and let go.

Now I'm in a dorm room (without roommates, thank every god), and while I'm technically alone, I have school. I already have 3+ assignments, and I'm in the mindset that I can't relax until a break.

But even then I'm not sure I can. Because our productions made us work over the summer. And I had to do things as class rep over the summer as well. Even though there was no summer school this year, there was still CLEP, and PDSM and responsibilities that I had to complete.

So I guess in a way, it's nice because if I never stopped school, then I don't have to worry about going back because I never left in the first place.

~~~

But back to the convo from tonight. I was thinking about how school grants me this structure, and so did PHP/IOP. And now I'm thinking about how messed up I'm going to be once I stop going to school. The "real world" without a consistent schedule is going to have me in ruins.

We typed about how we hope our jobs will give us structure, but I said "if productions are any indication... I will be searching for a 9 to 5 [...] because working with these people are shit, and I'm terrified that the rest of the world will be this way too".

And of course, being the friend that they are, they said: "no way [...] how i see it is there’s 8 billion people, not all of them are going to be annoying [school name] students"

And that's true. There are only 13.5k students here right now... But seem to be the luckiest person in that I always seem to find the worst ones.

Because it's not just the people at this school. It's been everyone in my whole life. So now, every time I meet a half-decent person, I'm afraid that it's simply first impressions and they're going to fuck me over. It was in freshman year here, highschool, middle school, and I can think all the way back to elementary instances of people being borderline cruel to me. And while I know I'm no saint, I'd like to think. I didn't deserve what they did to me.

My friend typed back a paragraph with the line "okay, i don’t know what exact advice to offer so plz take it with a grain of salt, except to trust that it does get better".

And I like them, I really do. And I'm genuinely happy that they've built such an amazing community after their shitty freshman year.

But I don't know if I can trust it.

I don't want to sound all negative and "woe is me" and shit, so this is not me complaining (or maybe it is, but this is my journal so fuck it, I can do what I want).

I want to trust that there are better people out there, and there clearly are, because I have you the 3 people I still talk to from high school, and like, 2/3 people here. But just looking at the past and (bringing up something I was told in therapy:) playing the tape forward, I feel like I've been through this before, and I already know how it's going to end.

I want to be hopeful, and I want to be able to work on things I like with people I like (or at least that I can work well with). But I'm just so scared. I literally don't think I could ever say the right words to describe how terrified I am of the future and the unknowns that come with it.

I don't know if I have the skills to interact with people who stress me out in a way that doesn't end with me having another breakdown. I don't know if I have the capacity to interact with strangers who have thoughts about me that I don't know about.

It's not a question of my effort or work ethic or desire (because I don't really have that last one anyways). It's a terrible feeling that no matter what I do, I'm going to run into people that will make life harder for me.

I don't know that I want to do theatre design, or design at all for that matter. I keep saying things when people ask me, or I'll say I'm interested in music videos or film design. I'll lie and say I'm having fun during the process, and I'll tell my family that I want to finish here.

But I just want the diploma. I want the proof, and the validation that I got through it. I want that "key" to open doors that supposedly are locked without a degree. But I'm a theatre major, so it's actually useless. This industry is "all about who you know", and I only know the worst people.

If it were up to me, I think I'd like to disappear. I'd like to stop existing. Not die necessarily, but I'd like to not have to think about the future, or the now, or the anything. I don't want to stop where I am, because then I'll probably miss my family and the few friends I have (and I'd like to think they'd miss me), but if everything stopped existing- if I didn't exist- everything would be so much better. So I guess not so much disappear, but rather not have appeared in the first place. I didn't choose to be born, and if given the choice, I don't think I would have.

~~~

Oh, I did go to the ren faire. It was... "fun", I think I like following my friends around when they seem excited for things. But it was more tiring and I don't think I like just walking around, surrounded by temptations to waste money. But some of the shows were entertaining. And my friends here also want to go so... I guess I'll follow them around soon. I think going once is enough. I don't think I'd ever be compelled to go on my own volition.

Well, it's 12:25a now, I think even if I did have more to type, I'm too tired and my head hurts too much for me to continue.

Oh shit, tired. The sleep study. Next time.

Goodnight.

[rebellious-sardine]

I will go to PDSM next year all the photos look so good

[spindrifters]

oh WAIT so my other answer to #30 was every time I uploaded a new chapter of marginalia and @lynxindisguise hit me up like "so you're not gonna believe this but in pdsm..." 😂

17 & 30 ✨

17. Your favorite character to write this year?

the GOAT hope sarfati, ladies and gentlemen

30. Biggest surprise while writing this year?

turns out you actually can fix house elf lore if you try

ao3 wrapped

[jurassicthot]

I’m trying to write a story and I’ve restarted it like five times kill me

[larrieshomelat]

es verdad que louis tuvo su cumpleaños en un pdsm bar y estuvo en la parte de hombres?

No sé cuál de tantos cumpleaños decís y no recuerdo exactamente pero si estuvo en un bar hay 98,5% de posibilidades de que sea un bar gay...

[sony1103]

La liste des décorés pour le 12 mars 2018

La liste des décorés pour le 12 mars 2018

La liste des décorés pour le 12 mars 2018

Comme le veut la tradition, chaque année, dans le cadre de la célébration de l’Independence, l’état récompense ses citoyens qui ont œuvré dans différent secteurs.

Trois personnes  seront décorées avec la plus haute distinction, Le Grand Commander Of The Order  Of The Star And Key Of The Indian Ocean (GCSK) : la ministre, l’honorable  Jeewa- Daureeawoo…

[foundationsjournalsgraysondinino]

12/9

Today's class had a really nice energy. I really liked Mia's piece, especially how they included everyone so smoothly regardless of major. The costume coordination was really nice too. Again, the piece based on the Vivaldi song was so fun to watch, because of how many different ways people reacted to the same music.

The last piece we watched was so well rehearsed: it was a cool reminder that all of us are actually here because we want to be, and because we're all talented and qualified. It's kinda an honorable feeling, to know I qualified among all these really talented performers. I still feel under qualified a little, when I see other PDSM students who can do aspects of performance art, when that's one thing really out my realm (unless you count, like Just Dance).

The thing that really stood out to me about the last piece though, was how well rehearsed the dialogue was, and how in sync the actors were. It was really good writing, on top of the performance aspect. It was emotionally and really well done, and just overall really nice to get to watch. It actually reminded me a little of one of the dance pieces in Emergence that's going up next week.

[lynxindisguise]

kicking myself bc I wrote an entire bartender au called please don’t see me and am only just now realising that I could’ve made it about how working in hospitality turns you into an invisible npc who depending on the person either doesn’t exist, exists as a prop, or exists as a character they’ve created in their minds…

[crazytummyblog]

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[danzsax]

#JohnTaylor #DuranDuran #BassGod #Bass #Icon #80s #80sMusic https://www.instagram.com/p/CEwcut-pDsM/?igshid=16n4tw0l69fmo

[marziagatto]

"Que cada cual examine sus pensamientos: los encontrará ocupados en el pasado o en el porvenir. No pensamos casi nunca en el presente (...) De esta manera no vivimos nunca, pero esperamos vivir; y preparándonos siempre a ser felices, es inevitable que no lo seamos nunca."( Pascal en "Pensamientos" ) #pensarenelpresente #vivirelpresente #vivirelahora #seafelizhoy #olvideelpasado #vivaelpresente (en Ciudad Autónoma de Buenos Aires) https://www.instagram.com/p/BzoIK-PDSM-/?igshid=v3o11vu7wf97

[mel-et-ses-histoires]

Harry Potter et le PdSM.

La réal est bien, très bien.

Il y a un filtre vert sur les scènes avec petit Voldemort mais y en aurait pas un léger dans le reste du film ?

Enfin un match de Quidditch qui fait “vrai”.

Drago est un petit con mais purée il porte très bien le costar.

J’épouse Rogue, c’est définitif, j’adore sa manière de parler.

Dumbledor = Badass.

Ginny est bien mise en avant dans ce film. Elle fait plus femme forte qu’Hermione.

[sanjay-007-blog]

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[foundationsjournalsgraysondinino]

11/11: Reflection on Nutrition and Injury Prevention

A lot of the injury prevention conversation today was based on dancers, which is hard to relate to. I do think if the rest of PPA had to take intro to Production like the PDSM majors do, this would solve all of their problems that were voiced during this class. But its also a communication thing, in the way that if actors are having trouble moving something they can ask us for help. And if we have a set piece that actors move that's cumbersome or heavy, it's the deck crew's responsibility to properly train them to move it. Safety is also tied in real closely with sleep, which can get problematic because of the long hours theater people work. It's hard even for tech people to keep safe habits when we're all really tired.

Nutrition is just hard in general. College is a terrible nutrition environment, because there's such limited access to good fresh food in the caf. It's a little different for me because I never grew up being taught to care about my weight, we just ate really healthy between my houses. Now that I'm responsible for myself its been kind of hard trying to keep up a great diet but it's not terrible. The biggest thing has been trying to find time to go to the gym. Work calls kind of accomplish the same thing, but during tech week it's also such a crazy schedule that it seems like a net zero.

There also really wasn't any talk about the risks that are associated with stage crew jobs during class. I understand, because ratio wise we're a smaller group. But there's a lot of risks that I don't think anyone talks about, mostly just on the personal health level. Lack of sleep, lack of time to eat properly. So much of the time we'll take breaks for dinner, but while actors might get a whole 30 minutes or something, tech is taking that minute to look at cue lists, or fix a light's focus. And we're always coming in an hour earlier and leaving an hour later. Overall I think that's something that can be changed, but its also part of the job so I understand the necessity of the extra long hours.