#patton-answers

[ask-patton]

We’ve seen that you and Virgil’s friendship has not been too great lately. (“Not too great” is a bit of an understatement, but ehhh-)

Anyway, why do you think that is?

[Out Of Character] You sure threw a curveball my way, anon! Please keep in mind that my answer will be influenced by my own interpretation of their relationship, and my answer is not meant to be a theory. Regardless, I hope I gave a fairly satisfying in-character answer!

[In Character]

Heyo kiddo! That's...

...kind of an uncomfy question.

I feel like I've always tried to provide a welcoming and comfortable environment for Virgil. But... now I'm stuck, because being welcoming towards Janus makes Virgil uncomfortable. I know those two don't have the best past, but I just want to make everyone happy!

Maybe I was making things tough for Virgil even before Janus decided to show face- I don't know. I always thought we were great friends! But as I've come to accept and even appreciate Janus's role in Thomas's life, it's definitely made things harder between Virgil and I.

Well... that's all I have to say for now.

💙 -Patton

[where-are-the-spooky-gays-2]

Headcanon all the dark sides laugh like hyenas (even orange) like Virgil’s small chuckles are quiet because he’s embarrassed of his genuine laugh and so is Janus. Remus just laughs like a hyena when somethings genuinely kinda funny.

Patton:*says something genuinely funny*

Dark sides:*HYENA CACKLES*

Patton:Jesus Christ-

Them:

[fossilizedhysterics]

mild suggestive humor ↓ . . . .

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more funnies.... i cant be stopped

[blackoutbugza]

Hey… If youre maybe posibly taking art requestsssss-

Intruality? Ive been liking it a lot recently and they are very adorable

eepy

[its-ahissionado]

Sides reacting to someone saying, "Do you mind explaining this gap in your resume?"

Logan: Yes. It is when someone, in this case, myself, experiences a brief period of unemployment.

Patton: *has a literal blank space on a piece of paper that's just a bunch of wavy lines*

Roman: What?!! I don't have a gap in my resume, that's ridiculous!

Virgil: No.

Janus: Oh, I can explain alright. *proceeds to stare at the person and not explain at all*

Remus: I got stranded on a deserted island and was hunted for sport for a while.

[r4bblerouser]

may i ask for the humble request of patton and virgil being soft, maybe napping together or playing a game :3

HIII OKAY. so when i started drawing stuff for this prompt. i drew like WAYY to much patton and virgil stuff to put in one post (dw im gonna post the rest later) but for now.. take this!! :3

[easily-distracted-by-fandom]

Head Cannon: Every so often Roman will set up like "a fair day" in the imagination which is just an excuse to win prizes and play games with his friends because none of them can go to any actual fairs or events like that

Aww that’s adorable! My interpretation below!

Janus and Remus probably aren’t allowed for the longest time- so Janus will sometimes steal someone else’s invitation and go instead.

Virgil always gets spider themed plushies if he wins a carnaval game which causes some issues with Patton, who will flinch away from them (esp because Roman blessed the toys with the ability to come to life in the imagination) but he deals for his kiddos

Remus stole this idea, he has much more bloody carnivals on his side of the imagination (he’s tried to convince Janus and Orange to help him kidnap a light side to join multiple times)

Virgil HATED Remus’ carnivals and avoid Romans, assuming they’d be similar for the longest time. He was pleasantly surprised.

Logan is actually the best at the carnival games (because they’re not rigged). He usually gives the things he wins to the other sides (usually Virgil because he knows they help with his anxiety), but he has a few stuffed animals he snuggles for himself. He feels bad for keeping them but they make him feel safer (some of them are fiddle toys that Roman put in there for Virgil, but Logan really likes them)

Patton’s favorite toys are the stuffed puppies, but sometimes he’ll get a stuffed frog, and then wince and look at Roman.

Roman has made a bunch of duplicates of himself to run the circus tent part. He loves doing death-defying acts that would never work (the other sides don’t really show up to it. Janus does if he’s snuck in, and Patton tries to go to encourage his kiddo, but Logan doesn’t see the point in it and it gives Virgil really bad anxiety)

[halfhissandwich]

For science.

[imhere-imqueer-ilikedeer]

Sparkly Sides

[exsqueezememacaroni]

ANSWERS ANSWERS ANSWERS

Preface: Mike's answers were received as an audio recording and I've transcribed them here to the best of my abilities - he reads the questions out loud, which i don't include. He's jovial and snarky AF in his answers, which might fall a little flat in text. "Source's" followup answers were in text and copy-pasted, they're a lot more sincere. I've decided to post all answers in full...you might be surprised by them and you can take them how you like, but don't shoot the delivery person (me) or the messenger (the Source).

Ok, here they are: question, Mike's answer, Source's answer [my commentary]

whens the mexico tour mike? do you hate mexicans mike?

(joking on that last one ofc xd)

There are a lot of tours happening. You're gonna have to be more specific. A better question is: when will my tacos be ready?

I'll expand on this one. He is very close to signing off on a small tour with one of his bands. He is also trying very hard to find a way to reschedule the one he had to cancel, but the logistics is making it hard. He is trying to keep his touring to 3 weeks out max and 2 months home. Which is hard to do with his bigger band.

do you still have toodles the baby doll, the one you had in 92'-93'? do have any other antique items similar to toodles? if so, what are your favorites?

Wait, we need a visual for this story, hold on [Mike and the Source giggle, I don't know what happens here edit: this probably when the toodles/hippo/pig video was recorded]...let's see, what's next...mmm...yeah....nope...pass

He has a few antique items. Like a shrunken skull and a medical amputation kit from the 1700s.

roddy, somewhat recently like a few months ago, in an instagram live did a qna and someone asked him what he thought about trey and he told a story about him having a ball of straight boogers that he collected his boogers in and i just wanna ask if that is true or not because that is a insane story if it actually did happen

....booger ball? HAHA ok...hmmm? Well where do you put your boogers in huh??? Do you eat them? put 'em in your stomach? [Source: "eww"] That ball sounds pretty good about now, right?hahahahh

Mike knows nothing about this. It doesn't sound to me like something Trey would do now. Who knows what he did when he was younger though.

What does Mike think about his fans?

What do i think about my fans....well...if I'm being honest? I question their mental health...HAHA...sorry...I didn't mean to! [Source: "MIKE!"] I kid, I kid....I'm very grateful...to all ten of them....[chuckle]

He is truly grateful for them. Some also scare him a little.

What was the best prank Mike pulled on tour??

....I would ask Crain or Pearson... [Source has a big laugh]

With Dead Cross. He had arranged for the police to pull over their van while touring in Texas. The officer was a fan and Mike had him "plant" drugs and a gun in the car. Dave knew what was happening but Justin and Mike were freaking out. They were handcuffed and laying in the dirt when they found out it was all a joke.

Who has a nicer butt? Mike or Trevor?

Again, you're gonna have to elaborate on that one....I mean, which Mike? I can't POSSIBLY be expected to answer the question without knowing...hahaha

Mike gets my vote. He has a great butt.

Is there a lyric to a song Mike wrote that was so unhinged that he thought it was better to keep to himself?

Ya, the answer is nope.

So many choices, but he doesn't do regrets. I will tell you that the bullshit he spins about his Faith No More lyrics being random and impersonal, is just that. Bullshit. A good number of those lyrics are highly personal. Furthermore, quite a few of these songs when woven together tell a very personal story. You will NEVER get him to admit this though.

What is Mike's sexual orientation?

Hehe - you wanna take that one [source]? [Source: eehhhuuummmmmmmmm....no...no I'm good]

I feel like if I answer this, there will be a lot of disappointed people. I'll just say he had a wife, he has a girlfriend. You do the math.

Were Mike and Trevor ever a thing?

Sure....in his fucking wet dreams....hahahahah

Yes, they were and are “friends” Seriously though, not that I am aware of, and I've known them both since 1989.

Did mike get a BJ from that groupie he talked about in the making of Angel Dust? Or was it all made up just to troll?

[Mike skips over this one]

I'll answer this one. That was a true story. All of it, including the fact that he did NOT take her up on her offer of giving him a BJ. *He would like to add that he often wonders if that was a mistake and he missed out on some "really good head." He is kidding, of course. When he said he doesn't like groupies, he was being sincere. It gives him the "ick”

since it's time to ask anything: how big is Mike's dick?

Shamefully small....you're like Dora the Explorer on the hunt for it. [Source laughs]

I have ZERO complaints [you might guess the Source's relationship to Mike here]

first and foremost, is mike doing ok? i mean, both mentally and physically.. i just hope he got over all the things that were troubling him and is in a good state right now😭

Wow, ya....um....that's really kind [he truly sounds taken aback by the question] I am doing well. And...um.... I thank you for the support, it's appreciated. Truly, I mean that....ok....I'm done....you do the rest, [source]. [recording ends]

He is doing well. He is taking the advice of his care team and limiting his work. Enjoying life. Moving forward you will find his tours are broken into multi-week sessions followed by some downtime, and projects will be less frequent, but hopefully more satisfying.

is mike currently working on some new music/projects/plans to revive some of the old ones? some upcoming collaborations maybe?

Yes. However he told me I could only give you a very basic answer. He is working on something new, but his priority and focus is on fulfilling the tours he had to postpone or cancel over the past few years. Starting with his “slutty” group. [the slutty group is Tomahawk ;) ]

now for the more personal ones… [the previous two and the next two questions were all from the same anon]

those weren't personal?😂oh boy!

Yeah he isn't going to answer these. But I will try.

what is mike's current relationship with trevor? are they on good terms? do they talk/spend time together still? i think we can all agree that there is kind of an elephant in the room right now regarding their recent interactions (i'm very much looking at you trev)

Things are probably the best they've been since high school. They do live on different coasts and both tend to keep busy, so they don't have time to really "hang" out, but that hasn't really been something that they do since high school. They see each other enough over work and yes, they really do enjoy working together. Especially now that they have both matured some.

is mike still… married?? i need to hear the most elaborate answer for this one because his marriage in particular is a real twilight zone haha

Bless you for asking this! Personally, this subject irks me a bit. So I am glad someone asked, as I would love to set the record straight. Yes, he is still technically married, but only for legal reasons. I cannot give you more details as it would violate someones privacy. However; he and Cristina are not together. He likes to be vague about this, as it

is somewhat of a security blanket for him. Now that he has gone public about his demons, you can probably understand why he likes to keep people at an arms length distance. Especially women. Yes they separated and then reconciled. It didn't work out. Having a significant other that is never around can lead to loneliness and other issues, and they just couldn't make it work. Even so, they still remain friends and live a few blocks away from each other. Romantically, that relationship is dead AF. That does not mean that he is "available" though. He isn't. I promise you he is happy. At least he says he is. He is the love of my life.

[I asked about my gifts for Mike from the Southern US Bungle tour, they DID end up on the bus, the anal hook got passed around and somehow ended up with Dave?!??! Mutherfuckr....anyways, I gave the Source the link to where I got it in case she wanted to get another one for Mike. And as for the socks...]

That was very kind of you and he definitely appreciates the thought and creativity put into these gifts. I have definitely seen the socks with blood dripping. I'll look for the ones with the skull. He did mention to me that he's loves all the socks that fans have given

him. So I am sure he has them. As for the anal hook. Thank you for the link. I'm not sure that man needs any more "gadgets" if you catch my drift.

[I apologized for the "is he still married' question...you all know how I feel about that topic...]

It's okay. Like I said, I honestly don't mind answering that one at all.

I don't mind answering any of these. Look, I think he is hot too. I would be a total hypocrite if I didn't understand the fascination. Which is why I encouraged him to answer these. Plus he is so damn guarded. It's good for him to open up. Baby steps. Answering a few questions won't hurt him or change his life.

What turns him on about a woman or man?

I did try to get him to answer this question seriously… I tried. Instead he started describing me. Except for the end when he added and "Big sweaty hairy balls." Obviously I can't answer this for him, but I can tell you what he has told me what he likes about me… at least the PG version. He always tells me his favorite thing about me is my

kindness and big heart and that I accept him unconditionally. I know, probably not what you were expecting. He also tends to be attracted to women who are creative and successful. That is my own observation from the women he has dated. He also loves dark haired and dark eyed women, with a wicked sense or humor. He is also definitely an "ass" man. As for men, I have never heard him honestly mention being attracted to one, other than when he was joking around.

[to me, and I decided to include...] I know you all like to fantasize that he has gay tendencies. So if you prefer to keep this answer quiet I completely understand. But I can assure you, he is not keeping his gay side closeted or anything. We are very open minded as a couple and believe me, if he wanted to experiment. He could have.

What's his favourite fragrance?

Currently it's Burberry Touch. He also likes Montblanc Legend.

[I interject: *me again - actually there's a lot of chat around what fragrance mike wears….people really like

it….if he wants to share the internet would be forever grateful]

I understand. He smells amazing. Scents are a big thing with him.

Is Mike really into the BDSM community or is it all stage acting?

I did say we are a very open minded couple. Plus the man is an Aquarius.

That's that on that, folks. There were a couple of questions that have come in since these, I haven't sent them in yet, hoping to get a few more in so I can send a block of 'em. The Source says we're still welcome to ask, but she can't promise anything more from Mike. I personally want you all to know the interactions I've had with the Source have all been very sweet. It really does sound like she wants Mike to start be more comfortable out there in the world again, and so I want you all to love and support them both with all your bits.

FIN

[ts-sides-head-canon]

Heya!

This headcannon is shorter than most of mine, but like... I feel like it must be said.

Janus loves caramel apples. His favourite dessert snack.

Patton loves smores because of positive camping memories.

Virgil loves donuts. Idk why, but he's back at it again at Krispy cream

Logan's fave is some sort of pastry, I feel it in my bones.

Roman, just like me, like cinnamon buns.

Remus made a pie out of sour patch kids or smtn.

Hope you can agree. Farewell.

Oh I love these! Virgil is like me with the donuts. I'm just always wanting some dhdhdh.

[ask-patton]

Hi Patton!

I have a job interview tomorrow! I've been trying to get a job like this for months now and this is the first time I've made it to this point (I've been ghosted so many times it's not even funny anymore) and I'm really nervous. I know I'm qualified, but sometimes I get tongue tied and flustered. I also worry because I'm visibly queer and I would hate to lose this opportunity because I don't fit their aesthetic (the job is at a clothing store, but I would be doing marketing for them.)

Anyways, some words of encouragement and comfort would be greatly appreciated!

Hey kiddo, you got this!

Sounds like the job hunt has been frustrating, so I'm rooting for you extra hard!!

Remember, you don't have to answer illegal interview questions. Practice an interview with yourself in the mirror, and it should be a piece of cake! And hey, if a company decides you don't fit their "aesthetic" because you're visibly queer, that's discrimination and it's not in any way a failure on your part.

You're qualified, you're brave, and you've waited long enough for this chance, so seize the day! Go in there with your shoulders back and chin up and show them how awesome you are!

WOOHOO I'm rooting for you!!

Love,

Patton! 💙

[where-are-the-spooky-gays-2]

Sander sides ghosts au where they haunt Thomas on the same property

Remus: the oldest ghost/the first dead. He and his brother had an argument and Roman killed him

Roman:the second. Grief and guilt succumbed to him and died in his sleep. He spends his time with Remus trying to pretext him from basically everything.

Janus:won the house in an auction and got beheaded. His head falls off sometimes

Virgil: died in a witch trial and is DEATHLY afraid of everything and fire.

Patton: kindergarten teacher that died in a car collision and landed on the property

Logan:fell out of a window of the property when he stayed the night after getting stranded. (He was an aspiring lawyer)

(This is the order of death lol)

Character!Thomas is certainly gonna have an interesting time hearing those stories when he asks them XD /light hearted

[asksanderssides]

What's the dragon witch like? Aside from, y'know, being a battle opponent?

Logan: I haven't had cause to interact with her much, but she's always been very cordial to me.

Virgil: She's alright I guess, but I don't know her that well.

Janus: She's the only other person who knows how to put up with Remus' bulshit. And for that I appreciate her.

Patton: On a scale of one to ten, I'd say she's not so bad.

Logan: ...

Virgil: ...

Janus: ...

Patton: ...you know, she appreciates my puns more than you guys do.

[askmooncrew]

What are the mooncrew's favorite things to do when their bored?

[dailysandersidesaudoodles]

Au request: Just all the bois with longer hair?!

this was so surprisingly fun to draw.... omg... maybe,,, artblock going away again,,,,, PLEASE